Evil Bong (2006)

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2. Hello.

3. Hello.

4. What are you doing, bro? Are you trying to spy on us?

5. No, No, No. Of course not.

6. Wait, you're not a narc, are ya? Cause you look like five-0

7. Narc?

8. What are you doing?

9. Checking you out for a wire

10. I assure you that I'm not a narcotics officer. I'm here to answer your ad

11. Dude, why didn't you say something?

12. Well... is the room still open?

13. It's 40 bucks a week. That cool?

14. Good times, bro. Consider yourself a roomie.

15. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah. This is all good. This is all you.

16. This kingdom, this castle.

17. You are officially part of the experience, bro.

18. Yes, well, it's splendid.

19. Isn't it?

20. Let me give you the guided tour. Come on.

21. You gotta check this out. This is my favorite part!

22. Check out this ktichen. This is where we make all our treats.

23. Brownies, cookies, etc

24. Nice

25. Bach!

26. Bach, we got a new roomie, bro.

27. Alistair. Alistair McDowell.

28. Hello.

29. Call me Bachman, man.

30. Like the Roman God of partying. I'm always down for a good bash.

31. Bachman? Oh! I believe you mean Bacchus. The Greek God of wine and rebelry.

32. - The Greeks earlier called him Dionysis... - Cool, cool

33. Welcome to pad, Al.

34. Actually, I prefer Alistair.

35. Al, you can crash over here, bro.

36. I understood that I'd be renting my own room.

37. Bro, this is your own room.

38. Room is in space. This is your space. All your space.

39. Hey, because I'm a nice guy, I'm even gonna throw in a matress.

40. Just, like, 5 bucks extra. Peanuts.

41. Brett, you gotta meet Al. He's out new roomie, bro.

42. - Alistair. - Right.

43. Dude, revenge of the nerds just called. They're looking for extras.

44. - I beg your pardon? - I mean take a look at this kiddo? All you're missing is a pocket protector and a protraction

45. Well, I have to keep up appearances for the ladies.

46. Good luck with that, buddy.

47. First, you might wanna hit the gym

48. Do a few curls, lots of crunches!

49. Pack on the proteins. You do know what red meat is?

50. Actually, studies on red meat have found that carcinogens...

51. Cinogen schminogens! Seriosly, look at you. These arms are dead twigs.

52. You gotta stay strong, Al. He's been in a sour mood.

53. I don't mean anything by it.

54. I'm just saying, if you wanna score with chicks...

55. You gotta work out. Check me out.

56. I never have a problem with the ladies. Chicks dig the long ball.

57. Touch 'em all, Brett. Touch 'em all.

58. Bachman!

59. - What's up, bro! - What is this doing here?

60. I got it on my trip to Maui, man. It's a souvenir.

61. So... what is it doing here?

62. With my trophies!

63. It's just sitting there, bro. It's what shells do.

64. These are my trophies, not your souver freaking nirs.

65. Not cool.

66. Great! I can't hear the ocean anymore. I think you busted it.

67. Thanks Brett.

68. - Monkey - I'll bust you if I find that thing in my trophies again

69. Whatever!

70. Queer

71. These things should be at the campus at the display case in the entrance hallway

72. With all the other trophies

73. So... you're abaseball player?

74. Starting pitcher

75. I used to be.

76. Until they sprung a piss test on us by surprise

77. They cut me from the team

78. I'm fighting it, though.

79. - No, No, No. Thank you. - Seriously?

80. Quite

81. While I have no objections to any of you partaking in the activity

82. For myself, I find that potential damages aren't worth the risk.

83. I'm seeking a masters in Chemistry with a bachelor's in Metaphysics.

84. Hard science and the transcendental

85. So I'm encompassing both worlds, you see.

86. And to complete my studies I will require that every one of my brain cells

87. Is in tip top condition.

88. - Dude, it's just weed. - Nevertheless

89. But please feel free

90. I hate to break it to you, bud, but living here

91. The second hand smoke alone is gonna kill a whole bunch of IQ points

92. On the second hand highs, I guarantee you play in that transportation

93. - Transcendental. - Yeah.

94. I am certain I'll be fine

95. Hey, check this out

96. With Al's rent I finally got ewough to buy this

97. Large bong for sale. Originally purchased in the 1960s in New Orleans

98. Recently deceased owner claims it was possessed.

99. A haunted bong?

100. It's guaranteed to give amazing highs, bro.

101. Seller not responsible for possible bad side effects

102. - We gotta have it. - We gotta have it.

103. Don't be a sucker, it's a scam.

104. Just like that grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus' face on it

105. What are you talking about, bro? That was online.

106. Everything on the internet is a scam. You can't trust anything

107. Because that's how the feds spy on us through our computers

108. I must say this ad does sound somewhat suspect.

109. This is High Times, fellas. Everything in here is on the up and up.

110. Totally

111. Whatever, it's your dough, man.

112. Dude, have them express mail it to the house ASAP

113. Because if there's one thing this pad is lacking, is a killer fucking bong, man!

114. Larnell

115. Please

116. Larnell!

117. - Oh! Dude! - you are making it impossible for me to study.

118. Check it out, bro. I was on level 15 and you just shit on me.

119. This is the third time in a row I've broached the topic.

120. Perhaps if you'd listen to me, instead of playing your games you know how I'd feel.

121. Get that, bro

122. Are you Larnell?

123. - What do you want, bro? - Package for you.

124. That box is huge, what's in it?

125. What's in it? I don't look in the boxes.

126. - That's against regulations. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, bro. Easy.

127. I'm a professional.

128. I make over 200 dollars a week.

129. You look in the box, you get fired.

130. Larnell, perhaps it's the item

131. You've been waiting for.

132. - Item I've been waiting for? - Yeah, that's it.

133. It's the item you've been waiting for.

134. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The item I've been waiting for!

135. There's postage due, friend.

136. It's been a bad month, bro. Can you let this slide under the rug?

137. I'm a professional.

138. - Al, spot me a coin and I'll take it off next week's rent. - Fine. Fine!

139. Last time, bro. Last time. Thanks, bro.

140. Baby, baby, baby come to daddy.

141. Hey, Al... istair

142. Oh, man, you're fronting Lar again? I thought you're supposed to be smart.

143. Perhaps you're right, but I'm only trying to help out.

144. - Larnell's financial acumen leaves something to be desired. - He ain't to good with money, either.

145. Believe it or not, he comes from money.

146. - Really? - His gramp is loaded.

147. Some kind of big league lawyer, til he got creamed by a bus.

148. - That's horrible - No, the old man's still alive.

149. A cripple in a wheelchair.

150. Anyway, he gave Larnell an allowance

151. Until he dropped out of law school and cut him off.

152. That's unfortunate.

153. Unfortunate?

154. It's brutal. The parties we used to have with that dough.

155. I bought you some red meat. Feed that scrawny body instead of that brain of yours.

156. - That's what I'm talking about, bro. - Geez, it's huge.

157. Look at the beauty, bro. Look at the beauty.

158. Looks like a piece of crap.

159. - I told you it was a scam. - Once again I'm going to align myself with Brett's opinion.

160. Dude, it's junk. Send it back.

161. No, no, no. Don't you see? It's shaped like a beautiful woman, bro.

162. - You got the tits and the vag. - You're fucking nuts.

163. You two are a cloud of fuck dust. This is the best investment I've made in my life, bro.

164. I say let's fire this thing up.

165. Monkey

166. Check this out, B. This thing's hot.

167. - Smoke and choke. - Flame on.

168. Awesome, bro.

169. What's awesome about it, man? The ad said it's an amazing high

170. - But it's not your money back guarantee. - You telling me that's not an amazing high?

171. Sure, it's good weed, but I'm just saying. Regular high.

172. - Same as any other. - Regular high?

173. The bong's nothing special, man. You got ripped off! There's nothing amazing about it

174. Hey, every high is amazing

175. Just like there's no such thing as a bad BJ.

176. - Bullshit - Example, bro.

177. That redhead, Carla Brewster.

178. Chick had a set of teeth on her. Like a piranha gnashing on a baby goat.

179. Poor goat.

180. - Hey, let's do another hit, man. - Huh?

181. - Bro, I said let's do another hit. Come on. - No dice, man. I'm gonna have to score some more weed tomorrow.

182. Bummer, bro.

183. I still say this thing is awesome.

184. In fact, it's so awesome...

185. No way, man. Keep that shit away from my trophies.

186. Beautiful. Right, bro?

187. Feminine surrounded by masculine. There's something...

188. Spiritual about it. Don't you think?

189. What the fuck are you talking about?

190. I'm feeling it. I'm definitely feeling it.

191. Alive again

192. I need more

193. Watch it, geek!

194. Bachman, you've done three times as much as me. Slow it down.

195. I love it too, man, but moderation, y'know?

196. Shit

197. - Dudes! You guys remember Luanne? - Hey, what's up, losers?

198. - This is her friend, Janet. - Hi, guys!

199. That's Bachman over there. Totally out of it.

200. This here's Larnell.

201. And that guy over there, Al!

202. - Hi. - Washing his skippies in the kitchen.

203. - Hey, Janet. So you're a friend of Luanne's, huh? - We have a couple classes together.

204. So how come I've never seen you before?

205. Dude, just give it up, Larn. She's so not into you.

206. What, is she mute or something? She can't talk for herself?

207. I know it's a radical concept.

208. - Whatever. - Sorry, Larnell, I am not interested.

209. Crash and burn, dude.

210. Not at all, B. On the contrary, this is a breakthrough in communications between the sexes, bro.

211. Straight forward, no BS, no games. That's what I'm talking about, Janet.

212. We're all adults, right?

213. Who wants a brewski?

214. Dude, get it. This is what I'm talking about.

215. Hey, you don't mind. Do you, Bachman?

216. - Whatever. - Thank you.

217. Hi there, Janet. Luanne.

218. It's nice to meet you both.

219. You must be a cheerleader at the school.

220. Oh yeah? What makes you say that?

221. Well your outfit would be the largest indicator.

222. This old thing? No, I just wear it because...

223. it turns them on.

224. So, Janet, you go to the college?

225. - Psych major. - Oh, a fascinating study!

226. - That's one word for it. - I'm in chemistry myself.

227. Oh, really? Then, perhaps you could explain something, Al.

228. Alistair, actually.

229. Okay, Alistair. I was just wondering

230. Were you in the middle of conducting a chemistry experiment or are you happy to see us?

231. - No, I was merely... - You don't need to explain.

232. Yeah, it's okay.

233. Yeah, Al, it happens to the best of us.

234. No, I was twisting the...

235. "twisting" is that what the kids are saying these days?

236. I used to say "choking the chicken", "wanking the weasel", "packing the meat"

237. - No. I mean... - Your hair looks great, too, Al.

238. Yeah, it's hot.

239. If you'll just excuse me.

240. You ladies should stay and join us for one more hit.

241. - That's a bong? - Dude, looks gigantic!

242. Yeah, a giantic craphouse a white trailer trash wouldn't even crap in. So gross.

243. Hey, dude, ew moment.

244. Larnell thinks it's a work of art.

245. Dude, seriously, it looks like an old, moldy dick. I ain't sucking that shit.

246. Well that's harsh, Luanne. Even for you.

247. Yeah, whatever.

248. Adios, ladies.

249. Come on.

250. - We got a party to go to. - Later, dickheads!

251. Bitch...

252. What was that?

253. - What? - Sounds like somebody just called me something.

254. - I didn't hear nothing. - Don't you even go there, pencil dick.

255. - Not cool, dude. - Bro, it was probably Bachman or something.

256. - Right. - Yeah, whatever.

257. - How's my hair? - Great.

258. Fuck, man.

259. You're mine.

260. Monkey

261. Welcome, welcome! Make yourself at home.

262. We have everything you desire.

263. Nice tits! Yeah

264. Enjoy yourself, boy.

265. Hey, little dude. Looks like you're having fun.

266. - Whoa, another little dude! - Watch yourself, kid.

267. - Hey, I didn't mean any offense. - I don't mean that.

268. I mean her!

269. I know a lot about the creatures of the night, kid. Watch out for that one.

270. "Watch myself." I think I'll be just fine, thanks.

271. - You like what you see? - Oh, mama.

272. - You wanna see more? - Is a rider stuck carve a sick barrel?

273. Translation, babe: Hell yeah!

274. Goth boobs, huh. That's cool.

275. That's cool.

276. Oh, that feels good.

277. I love you.

278. Monkey

279. Nasty!

280. That was tasty.

281. Hey, Al, pour me a bowl, would you?

282. Good morning, Brett.

283. Just getting in? Must've been quite the soiree last night.

284. Yeah, hell of a party, too.

285. You don't know what you're missing out on, Al. Keeping your nose in those books 24/7

286. Well, there'll be ample time to party when my schooling's finished.

287. Then what? Some career as a scientist or something?

288. Something like that. Some day.

289. Yeah, I thought someday I'd be pitching for the Dodgers

290. Then I pulled my hand last season and the whole drug thing went down.

291. Take it from me, Al. Dreams don't always come true.

292. Don't hit the books so hard, they hit back and knock the fun out of you.

293. Hey, get up you dipshits. We gotta clean this place up.

294. This shithole looks like a wreck, and the chicks are coming to party tonight.

295. Will Janet be coming, too?

296. - Get up! - What's up, bro?

297. Is someone here? Do I gotta flush the stuff down the crapper?

298. Relax, man. You're tweaking out, dude. Everything's cool.

299. - I'm cool, bro. I'm cool - Hey, you too, Bachman! Let's go.

300. I mean it, bro.

301. Jeez.

302. He crashed here all night?

303. - How much did he smoke? - A lot, bro.

304. Does my bong look different? So weird.

305. Bachman?

306. Bachman!

307. - Oh my god, he's expired! - What do you mean?

308. - I mean he's passed on. Deceased. - He croaked?

309. Are you shitting me?

310. - Oh, the buzzkill! - What are you telling me, B?

311. Larnell, Bachman is dead.

312. Fuck, bro!

313. What are you telling me? Bach at, like, 20 something? Talk to me, bro! Give me a monkey, bro! Give me a fucking monkey!

314. - What are you doing? - Calling the authorities, of course!

315. Do you think we want the cops here, man? Take a look around. Come on, man.

316. - We got weed coming out of our wazoo! - They will have to be notified, Brett.

317. Fuck, he's dead, he's on the fucking couch. We can't have the cops over here.

318. - Think. We'll figure this out. - What is there to consider?

319. This was obviously some kind of an accident and now he's dead.

320. After blowing my drug test the last thing I need is to be involved in something like this. Accident or not.

321. - We have to call the police. - So not cool, bro. Dead fucking dude on the couch!

322. I got it! Larnell, don't Bachman's parents live on Midvale?

323. Yeah, Midvale. Cute little house, white picket fence.

324. We used to play catch when we were little dudes in the backyard, bro.

325. Here's the plan: We wait til it's dark. We drive him over there

326. We drop him off in the curb, man. No fuzz, no muzz.

327. You can't be serious! That's what mobsters do after a hit

328. They drop the body off at a loved one's house to serve as a warning.

329. Man, that's a good idea. Blame it on the mob.

330. - I knew that noggin' of yours was gonna come in handy, Al. - That's not what I meant

331. Would you two just stop and think for one moment?

332. What the hell?

333. - Someone's at the door. - Go see who it is.

334. Not you, you idiot!

335. It's the cops, bro!

336. It appears to be an elderly man in a wheelchair.

337. Holy shit, bro. It's my grandpa!

338. - What is he doing here? - Dude, shut the fuck up. Maybe he'll go away.

339. Larnell! I can hear you in there, you fool!

340. - What do we do? - Hide him!

341. Have you two gone completely insane?

342. Open up this door instantly, you cocksuckers!

343. - Hold him off, Al! - Alright.

344. Larnell is indisposed at the moment.

345. Well get him disposed, goddamnit!

346. He'll be with you shortly

347. Hey, gramps. What a cool surprise.

348. Hey, Cy, it's great to see you.

349. Shut up, you pathetic louts.

350. Moronic pricks. Miscreants, all of you!

351. Where's the other one? The surfer.

352. Bachman? He just up and moved out, you know. Kind of a drag

353. Moved out, did he?

354. Good riddance is what I say. Just an utter waste of human skin.

355. About as much use as a soiled tampon.

356. Who's this? You're new here.

357. Alistair McDowell, sir.

358. It's a pleasure to meet you.

359. You seem different than the others.

360. Clean cut, well mannered, marked improvement!

361. Yeah, Al's really great, grandpa. Even helps me with my studies.

362. That's a wasted cause if there ever was one.

363. Got a mind like a urinal cake.

364. So, what brings you down here anyway, grandpa?

365. I came to introduce you to your new grandmother.

366. You mean you finally remarried, huh?

367. I did indeed, my boy. Indeed, I did!

368. So, what's she like? With your dough, you could have got anyone.

369. Oh, she's a catch!

370. - And I'm not the only one who had my eye on her, either. - The large was a bust

371. All the boys wanted a crack at her.

372. So, where's she at?

373. She's parking the car. She'll be right up.

374. - Is she hot? - She's a looker!

375. That's for certain.

376. Oh, that's so cool! You know, I was hoping you'd hook up

377. with some big titted bimbo I could bang on the side.

378. You disgusting pervert!

379. I hope one day convicts will feast upon your scrotum sack!

380. You know, bro, I was just kidding around. You don't gotta come at me like that, grandpa.

381. Is your mind perpetually in the gutter? You vulgar, useless douchebag!

382. This is your new grandmother we're talking about!

383. Not some two-bit, loose fruisy for you to defile with your nasty little penis!

384. - No good, worthless enema bag! - So, Cy, where'd you meet the little lady?

385. I was inspecting my gym's that I own down the West side.

386. She was on the racket ball court.

387. She caught my eye immediately!

388. The way she slammed that ball.

389. Her body... alive and aggressive!

390. Vibrant and sensuous!

391. Boys, I want you to meet

392. Dane Rosemary Corn Wallace.

393. Oh my god!

394. Bro, that's your wife?

395. Ain't she a beaut?

396. Dude, she can hardly walk.

397. She's fine. It's close to her nap time, that's all.

398. - Would you like some tea, ma'am? - No thank you.

399. Is she okay?

400. This morning, she and I had ourselves a go!

401. - The go? - You wouldn't believe what a vixen she is in the sack!

402. Well, I'm gonna take myself a quick dump and then Rose and I will be on about our business.

403. Leaving you three to do... whatever it is you do.

404. - Let me get that for you. - I'm perfectly capable of taking care of this myself, you cro-magnon.

405. And why don't you limp dicks clean this pig sty up?

406. Miserable bunch of no account cocksuckers!

407. Fuck, bro. Jesus.

408. - This is all gone? - I'm not entirely devoid of surprise.

409. - Shit, I thought they'd never leave. - Can you believe the dude actually sleeps with that withered bag?

410. She's so old that when she opens her legs moths fly out of her snatch.

411. I think I'm gonna be ill.

412. Dude, let's pact.

413. - We never speak of this again. - Never.

414. But back to the business at hand. What are we gonna do about Bachman?

415. - Al, wehat'd you do with her? - Her who?

416. - My bong, bro. - Your bong is a she?

417. - What'd you put her over here for? - Well you told me to hide her.

418. Not on the fucking ground behind the couch. Show a little respect, bro!

419. How can you even think about getting high at a time like this?

420. Are you kidding me? it's all I can think about. The old man was stressing me out big time.

421. - He almost found Bachman. - Speaking of that, what if something's wrong with the marihuana?

422. - What do you mean? - Hey, brainiac might have a point here.

423. What if Bachman's dead cause the weed's bad?

424. - I smoked it too. - But not as much.

425. Dude, it can't be the weed. No weed on Earth could kill Bachman.

426. You know, come to think of it, Luanne took some last night.

427. We all smoked, and we didn't croak.

428. It can't be the weed, bro.

429. Oh shit! The girls are coming over. We gotta get this place cleaned.

430. The first thing we gotta do is dump Bachman somewhere.

431. - We're not dumping him anywhere! - We can't leave him here.

432. Don't get me wrong, dude. Bachman's a great guy and a hell of a dude, but he doesn't care what happens to him anymore.

433. How about we throw Bachman downstairs just for tonight, man and we can have our little party.

434. But the medical examiner will know that he's been dead for more than 24 hours.

435. How are we supposed to explain that?

436. We'll just say he was sleeping, man. Dude crashed for days when he got baked.

437. What's the big mystery?

438. - I suppose. - Of course you suppose, man. We can sell that to the cops easy, man!

439. First thing we gotta do is get this place cleaned up and get you all spiffed up.

440. What's the point? She probably doesn't even know my name.

441. What's the point? What's the point, man?

442. Lousy fucking attitude, man. Have a little backbone. How about some stones, bro?

443. Dude, I'm gonna be off with Luanne getting a piece of that action

444. You've got the best chance in the whole world to score with Janet.

445. - But I totally embarrassed myself in front of her. - Are you kidding, man? She thought it was cute, dude.

446. - I saw her giving you the "fuck me" eyes. - Really?

447. Big time.

448. A guy like me won't have a chance with her.

449. She's too brainy, y'know. Luanne on the other hand...

450. She's about as smart as a box of door knobs.

451. Janet's an egghead, like you.

452. You got a lot in common.

453. She did seem rather bright.

454. You're gonna get laid, tonight, my friend.

455. Alright, great, it's settled. Let's get the stiff downstairs.

456. Larnell? Oh, Larnell?

457. Wicked stuff.

458. Feeling good, Larnell?

459. You can talk.

460. Damn straight, baby.

461. One more toke, Larnell. Just one.

462. You got it, baby.

463. Come on, papa.

464. I'm coming.

465. Closer.

466. I'm coming hard.

467. Take me! Take me!

468. Oh yeah.

469. Oh yeah, baby. Come on!

470. Take it! Take it!

471. - Fuck. - Oh, yeah. "Fuck" indeed.

472. Get up, now. I said get up!

473. Sit back, baby. Ready for the ride!

474. That's some good shit.

475. Damn straight!

476. Oh yeah, honey. Come to mama.

477. Come on.

478. Oh my sweet god.

479. - Dude! - Dude!

480. - Dude, I thought you were dead. - Dude, that would insult me.

481. - Do I look dead? - Dude, you look good.

482. Have fun in here.

483. This place is awesome. It's awesome!

484. - Dude. Dude! - Hey, hot stuff!

485. Welcome, Larnell.

486. We have everything here that you desire.

487. Oh, yeah? Then how about we change up these tunes.

488. I want to hear some rock'n fuckin' roll!

489. I love it when you talk back.

490. Rock it, baby! Rock it!

491. Double awesome!

492. Pretty fucking hot!

493. I'd like to bite me off a piece of that pastry.

494. Now that's what I'm talking about

495. Oh, I love it. Touch me in the dough, boy.

496. I'm gonna cream! Whoa, whoa!

497. You twisted deviant!

498. What that fuck are you doing here, old man?

499. You know, you're turning this into a bad trip real fast.

500. Ever since you were a toddler, that day I found you sucking on your dirty diapers

501. I knew then that you'd grow up to be a grade-A ignoramus.

502. A lot better than being a grade-A ignoramus like you, Skeletor.

503. I suppose that dancing harlot up there is your kind of woman?

504. Are you kidding me? This chick is awesome!

505. You should've married a chick like this instead of that dusty, old, vaginal scab.

506. What?

507. I mean, that bitch is more fucked up than any mummy movie I ever saw.

508. I'll teach you some respect, you insolent little cocksucker!

509. EeBee, can I get a hand here?

510. Oh yeah, baby!

511. Now that's what I'm talking about.

512. You got it, my man!

513. Hey, baby, I have a surprise for you.

514. - Are you down for a fun time? - Baby, the fun's just getting started.

515. That's what I'm talking about.

516. Nemo!

517. Just when you think it's safe to get back in the water.

518. I got abig enough boat for those fish.

519. Get out your pole, baby.

520. It's kind of weird and kinky.

521. - Hey, babe! - Hey!

522. - Dude! Don't tell me you losers cleaned this place up. - Of course, we knew you were coming over.

523. I'm gonna call Ripley. Hey, dickhead.

524. Dude, where's Bachman?

525. - Bachman? He's... - He's dead tired.

526. Yeah, he's dead tired.

527. - He's laying low tonight. - Yeah, that's it.

528. Evening, Janet. I'm glad you could make it.

529. Hi, Alistair. Nice jacket.

530. Oh, well I had to be presentable.

531. After all, this is a special occasion.

532. It is?

533. Of course! Any time a lady of your learning and beauty

534. Crosses the threshold of this house

535. Is a special occasion.

536. I'm guessing there aren't many like you back home, are there?

537. Let's hope not.

538. - Go ahead and move yours, Janet. - This is for the win!

539. We are kicking your butts.

540. I can't believe I'm playing this stupid game.

541. I must be bored off my ass.

542. Holy hell, dude. They're never going to get this one. Okay, you guys ready?

543. What important document of 1783 was signed by Benjamin Franklin and other founding fathers?

544. That's easy! The constitution.

545. Wait a minute, Janet.

546. I believe that the constitution was even later.

547. - 1787, but the treaty of Paris! - Right, that was in 1783.

548. That's our answer. The treaty of Paris

549. They win.

550. - Yeah, but we were pretty close. - We were so hot.

551. All about teamwork!

552. Dude, congrats on the win. Seriously

553. Flatulent humor.

554. The comic aroma of intestinal gas.

555. - What are friends for, bud> - You're right, of course.

556. You guys, let's get this party started!

557. Absolutely!

558. - No, thank you. - Al won't touch this stuff.

559. He's worried about his brain cells. I keep telling him he's got plenty.

560. He can waste a few of them.

561. Remember what Abraham Lincoln said: "A man who has no vices has very few virtues."

562. She's got you there, Al.

563. - Babe, slow down! Slow down! - What's wrong?

564. Give me a minute! I like to mellow out when I'm stoned.

565. Oh! The twister! The twister!

566. I'm horny! I'm horny!

567. I'm horny! I'm horny!

568. I'm horny! Oh!

569. Do you want some?

570. I know it's gonna turn you on! I know it's gonna make you so crazy!

571. I know it's gonna make you... like chocolate sprinkle Haagen Dazs ice cream.

572. Oh, yeah!

573. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

574. Listen, honey, you either get it up

575. Or I'll tell the rest of the team that you're a faggot.

576. Well, I'm so glad we're able to spend some time together, Janet.

577. So, how's school going?

578. School's school.

579. Do you... what else do you do, Janet?

580. I mean, for fun.

581. A gal's gotta have some secrets.

582. I gotta keep then hidden, Alistair.

583. - Like you, Alistair, dark and mysterious. - Yeah!

584. Mysterious, well...

585. I've often thought of myself as quite the magnetic

586. I must say, Janet, this is a side of your personality I wasn't expecting.

587. When you get high, I let the walls down.

588. Really?

589. Well that's fascinating. What—

590. What's wrong?

591. - He's dead! - Oh, my god!

592. Just like Bachman.

593. - I thought you said Bachman was just— - We sort of fibbed.

594. - What happened? - I'm not exactly sure.

595. - Hey, Brett! - They're stoned out of their minds.

596. - It's different again. - What do you mean?

597. The bong. It changed after Bachman died and now it's changed again.

598. It changed after they smoked from it?

599. They smoked from it, then they died and then it changed.

600. That doesn't make any sense. It isn't logical.

601. No, no, it's not logical.

602. Certainly not in terms of the physical world, it's not.

603. But now I believe we're dealing with worlds beyond the physical.

604. - You mean spiritual? Transcendental? - Transcendental, exactly!

605. When larnell purchased this bong, the ad warned the user of possible bad side effects.

606. But it's obvious! They weren't warning the user against substandard drugs.

607. They were warning the user against this bong.

608. But I smoked from it, too.

609. Look!

610. Oh, my god!

611. - What is this place? - Must be the weed.

612. - This is, seriously, not... - Awesome!

613. - This is, somewhat my style? Oh, my goodness... - Hey! Whose high is this, anyway? Yours or mine?

614. Ew! Ugh, I feel so disgusted.

615. Yes! Makeup. That's my style right there. Oh, god!

616. That's what I'm talking about.

617. Dude, this is hot. How do you open this thing?

618. Oh, shit!

619. Okay, we are leaving, like, right now.

620. - Quit your nagging! - No, I mean it, asshole.

621. God, you are a drag.

622. Bye, bye, bitch!

623. Now we're gonna have ourselves a party, ladies!

624. Carla? Carla Brewster?

625. It is you!

626. Long time, no see. I think the last time I saw you, you were supposed to give me a call.

627. Well, you know. I was busy doing things, and shit.

628. You know how it gets, girl?

629. Damn, you really filled out nice. What are you doing here?

630. - What does it look like I'm doing here? - No kidding?

631. Hot damn!

632. I need to have sex right now. On my break

633. But I suppose I could give you a little taste.

634. For old times sake.

635. What's the goof? Those are sketchy.

636. I thought you'd like them. I heard what you said to your buddies about me earlier.

637. About my technique.

638. That? No, I was just kidding around. You know me, babe.

639. Let me show you what I've learned.

640. What was it that you said? Like a pool of piranhas eating a baby goat?

641. Yes, yes, yes!

642. She's changed again.

643. I mean, it's changed again.

644. After they smoked from it.

645. You'll be okay, you only took one hit.

646. Baby, that's all it takes!

647. Do you hear that? Or am I stoned?

648. I definitely heard it, and my faculties are not impaired.

649. The more you toke, the more I take.

650. Alright, we are certainly dealing with something abnormal here.

651. But I think if we reason it— Janet!

652. - So sick... - Stay with me, Janet.

653. What's going on? WHat are you doing to her?

654. It's not what I've done, but what I'm about to do!

655. Wake up, Janet. Wake up.

656. Wake up!

657. Please...

658. Whoa, dude! I've been looking all over for you.

659. - There you are. - Who are you?

660. Oh, I'm Jimbo, man. That's my bong.

661. It's your bong? I thought the ad said the owner was deceased.

662. That's my wife. Wishful thinking on her part.

663. - No, man. - Then perhaps you could explain what's going on here?

664. It's the bong, man. It's evil.

665. If it's dangerous then why'd you put it up for sale?

666. I didn't put it up for sale, man. My wife!

667. She sold it, man. I had it in storage.

668. She sold all my shit, man.

669. Sold my Hot Wheels collection. Man, I miss those little cars.

670. - How do we stop it? - Stop what?

671. The bong? I don't think it can be stopped, man.

672. The guy who sold it to me said it had some voodoo curse on it or something.

673. I thought he was just trying to make a sale.

674. But it killed all my friends, man. And it almost got me.

675. Well, got all my brain cells, but that's okay cause I wasn't using them anyway.

676. Well, you have to help me save Janet.

677. - Did she take a hit? - I'm afraid so.

678. Then it's too late, man. She's already there.

679. - There? - Yeah.

680. Where's "there"?

681. "There" is where you go when you take a big bong hit, man.

682. I've been "there" You don't come back from "there"

683. Well, I did, but I was lucky.

684. If you made it out alive, then so can she.

685. I have to go in after her!

686. I don't know, man. Sure you wanna do this?

687. It's the honorable thing to do.

688. If you're gonna go in, you better take these.

689. - What are they? - I'm not sure. I think they're vitamins.

690. It's your only chance.

691. Alright.

692. Now, if you'll please assist me with this thing.

693. Well, it's easy, man. You suck, you don't blow. That's all.

694. Suck it up. Toke it up.

695. Come on, toke it up.

696. Well, I don't particularly feel...

697. You did it again.

698. Jimbo, baby. Long time no see!

699. Dude, you look fucked up.

700. No thanks to you.

701. Come on, go ahead! You know you want a hit.

702. You know you do.

703. Come on.

704. I missed you.

705. I know you did, you motherfucker.

706. Yeah.

707. Take me. Come on, take me.

708. No, No, No.

709. Why?

710. I didn't come here to get high.

711. Why did you come here, then?

712. Haha, yourself.

713. Where are you going? What'd you—

714. I've come to take you out, bitch.

715. Oh, honey, please.

716. Alistair, baby! What a shocker. So glad you could come.

717. You can dispense with the social niceties.

718. I'm here for one thing only. To rescue Janet!

719. Oh, you poor pathetic geek.

720. You have no chance!

721. We'll just see about that, you accursed narcotic paraphernalia!

722. Way harsh, baby!

723. If you wish, this can be a very pleasant thing for you, Alistair.

724. Relax, baby! Let go.

725. Feels good, right?

726. I shall not!

727. Come on. Come on, baby!

728. Why the negative vibes, Al?

729. You've got to let yourself go! Come on! The girls want you!

730. You're gonna die, you evil bitch!

731. - Ha! Try again! - What?

732. You can't get me!

733. Oh, you want to play rough? Okay.

734. Come on. Bring out your big guns! Come on!

735. Oh, yeah? Take this!

736. I love me some power tools! Yes! Haha!

737. Okay, girls, work him! It's working! Go, go, go!

738. No! No! I will not succumb to your evil, sick charms!

739. And it's not Al, it's Alistair.

740. - Al! - Whoa!

741. - I'm sorry. - Hey, that blonde chick's got a nice set of teeth, huh?

742. - I suppose - Do you know wheree the exit is?

743. I think it's that way.

744. - You got a light? - I don't smoke.

745. That's some duo you got there. Try to squeeze her tits.

746. Thanks.

747. Al, come back!

748. Come on, girls! What happened?

749. You let him get away!

750. - Janet! - Wait your turn, brother.

751. - I'll dance for you in a minute. - What?

752. I'm afraid you got the wrong idea, man.

753. I'm a red-blooded male through and through and I demand you step away from this lady!

754. - Say what? - Cease and desist your offensive gyrations immediately!

755. - Hi, AListair. How are you doing, cutie? - What if the lady here doesn't want me to stop?

756. Then I'll have to make certain that she does.

757. I told you it wouldn't work, Jimbo!

758. Well, I guess we're gonna have to take this up a notch!

759. Oh shit! What you got there?

760. You sound worried!

761. You don't want to do that now. You don't want to make me angry.

762. That's some good shit, man.

763. Yeah, baby! You're not the only one who can take it up a notch!

764. What is that? VC bud?

765. Fuckin' A!

766. You think you're gonna get me this way?

767. Hey, man. I built up resistance over the years, man.

768. It's gonna take a lot more than this little weak shit to get me.

769. Sounds like old times, Jimbo, baby!

770. Oh, yeah? You call that a notch, man?

771. No, this ain't gonna get me, man.

772. I built up... I built up resistance, man.

773. I can... I can...

774. Jimbo. Jimbo, baby.

775. Oh, no.

776. You're mine, baby

777. I can...

778. You're mine!

779. You're mine! Admit it, admit it! You're mine.

780. - Oh, that's some good shit. - Yes, baby!

781. Oh, yeah! Work it ladies, work it!

782. Come on! Make them happy.

783. Alistair? Why do you want to leave? This place is so great!

784. That's the drugs talking, Janet. It's the bong talking.

785. Listen to her, Alistair. You two could be very happy here.

786. Together.

787. No, that's the bong talking.

788. We're getting out of here. We're leaving right now.

789. Hey! Watch the suit, boyo.

790. - Who are you? - Pipe down, clown. I'm the one asking the questions here.

791. Do you know where we are?

792. - No, no— - Well, do you? Don't you?

793. I don't.

794. You better answer me or I'm gonna work on you

795. With a car battery and a grapefruit spoon.

796. That's very funny! You're funny.

797. Hey, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

798. But if you find a way out will you tell me?

799. - Yeah, sure. - Okay, thanks a lot!

800. "Grapefruit spoon" that's verry funny!

801. Janet, please listen to me.

802. I implore you. You've been overcome by an evil power.

803. You must resist it. Use your mind!

804. That intelligent brain of yours.

805. There you go! That's it!

806. There is no force in the world that can't be overcome by common sense and sheer logic.

807. You're hilarious!

808. And so cute! You're so cute!

809. Please, Janet!

810. That's enough, Janet! Bring him to us!

811. What is it you want?

812. Isn't it obvious, Alistair? Use that egghead of yours.

813. The more you toke from me, the more powerful I become!

814. Soon, I will control the world. A great, big, beautiful stoned world.

815. With pot smoke clouds and oceans of bong water!

816. And is there really anything so wrong with that?

817. People should have the right to get high when they want and if they want.

818. - You're nothing but a hopped up imperialist! - Uh-oh

819. A ganja-headed dictator!

820. - Oh, no! - No.

821. This is America, land of the free! Free to get high on our own discretion!

822. And not on the whim of some glass-blown wench!

823. You better back up, boy! You better mess with me—

824. If I can't, then Jimbo certainly will.

825. Jimbo? Ha! That pathetic dead-head has no chance, either.

826. - Please - Oh, man.

827. You think you got me, man, but I told you. I built up resistance, man.

828. I'm telling you, nothing can faze me, man.

829. See ya!

830. - Alistair, I'm horny! - Janet, let's play a game!

831. - Oh, I like games! - Great! Close your eyes.

832. - And open your mouth. - Oh, you're a naughty boy!

833. - What was that? - Just a mint!

834. I'm sorry to say you had a mild case of halitosis.

835. Oh, my god. I'm sorry. Give me another one.

836. They don't taste like mints.

837. Wait a minute, what is this?

838. - Just a few vitamins. - A few?

839. - Hey! What's the big idea here? - No, I didn't do that.

840. I would never take advantage of a lady when her faculties have been compromised.

841. Okay.

842. That's not what I heard.

843. - Where are we? - I'm not exactly sure.

844. But now that the effects of the marihuana are wearing off

845. I think we'll be able to get out of here, finally.

846. - Jimbo! What are you doing here? - Hey!

847. She got me, man. She broke up the good stuff.

848. VC bud, man. I couldn't resist!

849. Oh, no! We've already taken the vitamins you gave us.

850. - Do you have any more? - No, it's okay. I don't need them.

851. - Maybe you'll still make it. Come with us. - No, no. You guys get out of here.

852. I got a little surprise for that little bitch!

853. - Thanks, Jimbo. For everything. - Hey, my pleasure, man.

854. Hey, so, go on. Beat it.

855. Okay, you little bitch! I'm coming to get you!

856. Come on! I can take you! I can take you with my hands tied behind my back!

857. Come on! You know you're not going to win! Jimbo, baby.

858. Yeah, but I ain't gonna lose, either.

859. Put this in your pipe, you evil bitch!

860. No! No! No!

861. Janet, I'm so glad you're okay. I believe it's finally over.

862. - We're finally safe. - What about them?

863. Look!

864. Dudes! Trippy stuff, but I was just completely under. Completely, bro.

865. Oh, man, I'm thrashed, dude. How long have we been out of it?

866. You two are hooking up. Man, I never thought you'd score.

867. Well, maybe sometimes dreams do come true.

868. Speaking of dreams, I just had the weirdest one, but I can hardly remember it now.

869. It's like I got some of that crazy backwater slushing around in my skull!

870. Dudes! I just woke up in the basement underneath a pile of trash

871. We must have had one sick party last night, man!

872. Wait a minute. Where's Jimbo?

873. - He destroyed the bong, but he— - He must have perished in the attempt.

874. Truly a hero's demise.

875. - Hey, Jimbo - Hey, Jimbo

876. - Hey, what's up? - Whatever you want.

877. - You're in charge now. - Really?

878. It's all yours.

879. - No shit! - No shit, Jimbo.

880. - Tell us what you want? - What do I want?

881. You know what I want? I want you girls to play with my...

882. Hot Wheels! One for you and one for you...

883. Make the Hot Wheels go vroom, vroom, vroom.

884. This one's got a big mountain to climb!

885. It's a tough one! Is it gonna make it?

886. Oh, it's going down the tunnel!

887. This movie was subtitled by a bunch of movie cucks

888. Long live the Bot!