1. And that's the news.Copy !req
2. But before we sign off, we'd like
to congratulate our very own Evan Baxter,Copy !req
3. who has just been elected
Buffalo's representative to Congress.Copy !req
4. And, now, we have a surprise for Evan.Copy !req
5. No, you don't.
We do.Copy !req
6. Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.Copy !req
7. Here's a look back at his run for office.Copy !req
8. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
9. Change the world!Copy !req
10. That's right!Copy !req
11. Baxter! Baxter! Baxter!Copy !req
12. Hi.Copy !req
13. Baxter! Baxter!Copy !req
14. That's right!Copy !req
15. I feel like that old Indian
in front of all the garbage.Copy !req
16. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter
for Eyewitness News. Good night.Copy !req
17. Huntsville, Virginia.
Prestige Crest, four miles.Copy !req
18. What did we do before GPS?Copy !req
19. Nothing.Copy !req
20. Guys, Dad's very proud of his new car.Copy !req
21. Hey, I am proud of my new car.
Look, I'm a politician now.Copy !req
22. I'm in the public eye, and as you know,
when you are in the public eye,Copy !req
23. image is everything, isn't it?Copy !req
24. Here it is! Welcome to the good life.Copy !req
25. Hey, guys, why the long faces?
We're off on a new adventure!Copy !req
26. It's just we're going to miss our friends.Copy !req
27. You'll make new friends, better friends.Copy !req
28. Yeah, richer friends.Copy !req
29. Do not mouth off to me, sir.
I am the boss of you.Copy !req
30. And let me tell you something,
you guys are gonna love this place.Copy !req
31. And you know what? I think there's
something for our fishermen up there.Copy !req
32. Baxter family,
this is what's called a scenic vista.Copy !req
33. And I don't think the big man himself
could do a better job. Pretty cool, huh?Copy !req
34. Hey, Dad, an iguana can stay underwater
for 28 minutes.Copy !req
35. What's that?Copy !req
36. And a shrimp's heart is in its head.
Really?Copy !req
37. Okay, someone's had enough Animal Planet
for one lifetime.Copy !req
38. Yeah, let's head out! Come on.
The best is yet to come!Copy !req
39. Gentlemen, I have saved
the best for last.Copy !req
40. Look over to the right.
That is your new home.Copy !req
41. Whoa!Copy !req
42. That's our house?Copy !req
43. Uh-huh.
- I don't remember it beingCopy !req
44. Was it this big in the brochure?Copy !req
45. Pretty amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
46. There they are!Copy !req
47. Is this curb appeal or what?Copy !req
48. Here we go!Copy !req
49. Honey, I think you're blocking my photo.Copy !req
50. Sorry.Copy !req
51. All right, everybody! Say "escrow"!Copy !req
52. Escrow!Copy !req
53. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Go. Go. Go.Copy !req
54. Guys, easy.Copy !req
55. This is our house?Copy !req
56. Uh-huh.Copy !req
57. Careful!Copy !req
58. - Honey, be careful!
- Watch it!Copy !req
59. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
60. - Mom, can we go upstairs?
- Yep.Copy !req
61. And I get my own room, right?
Yep.Copy !req
62. Mr. Baxter, could you give us some
direction on these kitchen cabinets?Copy !req
63. Sure.Copy !req
64. Okay, it's between your maple
and your old-growth Brazilian cherry.Copy !req
65. That is nice! Which is best?Copy !req
66. Well, if you're not sensitive
to that "save the rainforest" stuff,Copy !req
67. you can't beat the Brazilian cherry.Copy !req
68. It's 200, 300 years old.Copy !req
69. Three hundred years.
Three hundred.Copy !req
70. Wow. That is old.Copy !req
71. And now you are going to hold my dishes.Copy !req
72. That's right. You going with the cherry?
Cheery cherry!Copy !req
73. Yeah. Definitely.
He's going with the cherry!Copy !req
74. Dad, look!Copy !req
75. No, no, no!Copy !req
76. Ryan, do not touch him, please!Copy !req
77. Oh, no, no, no, no, get him away!Copy !req
78. No. He might have lice, fleas,
maggots or something.Copy !req
79. You do not play with stray dogs
because they are very...Copy !req
80. No, no! Get away, get away! Go!Copy !req
81. Okay. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
82. He's thirsty.
No, no, no.Copy !req
83. No, you don't! There we go.Copy !req
84. Well, Ryan, he's a stray.Copy !req
85. If we give him water,
he's just going to come back.Copy !req
86. Come on, Dad, why can't we keep him?
I mean, we've got a new house.Copy !req
87. Okay, Ryan, this is why we can't keep him.Copy !req
88. They are stinky. They are smelly.
They get hair all over the place.Copy !req
89. They get a little thing called the mange.Copy !req
90. In a nutshell, he is disgusting.
Case in point.Copy !req
91. Ladies and gentlemen,
this concludes day oneCopy !req
92. of the Baxters' new and exciting life.Copy !req
93. I have to do the new house dance.Copy !req
94. Wow! That dance?Copy !req
95. Mmm-hmm.
That's a good new house dance.Copy !req
96. Thank you.Copy !req
97. You know, those boys were having
so much fun tonight,Copy !req
98. I thought I would never get them to bed.Copy !req
99. And then Ryan did the cutest thing.
He asked if we could all pray together.Copy !req
100. Really? What did you pray about?Copy !req
101. He met a dog. What do you think
he prayed for?Copy !req
102. Just a walking petri dish, that dog.Copy !req
103. And Jordan was very precise.Copy !req
104. He prayed for good visibility, good weather
on the hiking trip tomorrow.Copy !req
105. The hiking trip? Oh, right. Yeah.
The hiking trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
106. You wanna know what I prayed for?Copy !req
107. Yeah. What did you pray for?Copy !req
108. I prayed we would become closer
as a family.Copy !req
109. Honey, you don't need to pray for that
to happen. I will make that happen.Copy !req
110. What would you pray for?Copy !req
111. Me? I don't know. Praying just...Copy !req
112. Honey, you're the one who said
you wanted to change the world.Copy !req
113. It's a pretty big job.Copy !req
114. If it were me,
I would take all the help I could get.Copy !req
115. Former Buffalo News
anchor, Evan Baxter, takes office tomorrowCopy !req
116. to make good on a lofty campaign promise.Copy !req
117. What are we going to do?Copy !req
118. Change the world!Copy !req
119. Good luck, Congressman.
Many have tried, many have failed.Copy !req
120. Hello!Copy !req
121. This is Regina Sparks reporting for...Copy !req
122. Hello, there. Hi.Copy !req
123. This is Evan Baxter.Copy !req
124. Just wanted to say thank you for everything.Copy !req
125. Thank you for the new car and for the house.Copy !req
126. The house is great. I love it.Copy !req
127. I mean, I picked it out,
but you created matter and everything, so...Copy !req
128. I just wanted to say that I think
Joan makes a good point,Copy !req
129. and that I am now in a position
of great power,Copy !req
130. and I know that with great power
comes great responsibility.Copy !req
131. So, God,Copy !req
132. Please help me change the world.Copy !req
133. Okay. That's it. I'm hanging up now.Copy !req
134. God bless... Well, you. Okay.Copy !req
135. What? That's weird.Copy !req
136. What?Copy !req
137. I set the alarm for 7:00.Copy !req
138. I am successful. I am powerful.
I am handsome.Copy !req
139. I am happy, successful,
powerful, handsome, happy.Copy !req
140. All right, everyone, wish me luck.
The Congressman has left the building.Copy !req
141. All right, Baxter brood, I will see you
later on this afternoon for the big hike. Yes?Copy !req
142. You psyched? Are you ready?Copy !req
143. Yeah.Copy !req
144. Bye. See you.
Good luck, honey.Copy !req
145. Bye, guys!
See you later.Copy !req
146. Later, gator.Copy !req
147. Oh, gosh.Copy !req
148. Wow. Honey, did you order anything?Copy !req
149. "Alpha and Omega Hardware"?Copy !req
150. Never heard of them.Copy !req
151. Me either.Copy !req
152. What do we have?Copy !req
153. What is this stuff?Copy !req
154. Must have the wrong address.Copy !req
155. Yup. The wrong address.Copy !req
156. Congressman Baxter.
Good morning.Copy !req
157. Good morning,
Congressman Baxter.Copy !req
158. Good morning,
Congressman Baxter.Copy !req
159. Oh, this is so cool.Copy !req
160. Uh-huh.Copy !req
161. Yeah. This'll work.Copy !req
162. There he is! The head honcho.
The big kahuna.Copy !req
163. Rita, I think I have to do the dance.Copy !req
164. Do the dance.Copy !req
165. That's enough of the dance.Copy !req
166. Oh, this is nice! This is really nice!Copy !req
167. This is too nice.
There's something crooked going on.Copy !req
168. Do you smell anthrax?Copy !req
169. Congressman!
Hey, Marty!Copy !req
170. Nice sound to that.
I like it.Copy !req
171. Here they are!Copy !req
172. All right.Copy !req
173. You remember Sarah, Allen, Michael.Copy !req
174. I don't think you know the new kid
Eugene Tennanbaum. I found him at G.W.Copy !req
175. Sort of a walking search engine. Watch this.
How many stars on the flag in 1818?Copy !req
176. 15.Copy !req
177. And Congressman Baxter's coffee habits?Copy !req
178. He likes a morning latte with a cruller,
a decaf espresso after lunch,Copy !req
179. served sans pastry of any kind.Copy !req
180. Very impressive. A little freaky,
but I like this kid.Copy !req
181. I love you.Copy !req
182. Hmm?Copy !req
183. I mean, we should hang out socially.
I just got a ping-pong table.Copy !req
184. Not going to happen.Copy !req
185. Go find out where his license plates are.
Everybody else, back to your holes.Copy !req
186. He was actually right.Copy !req
187. I'm doing a background check on that kid.Copy !req
188. Ta-da! This, my friend, is a power office,
to remind you of the mission!Copy !req
189. "Change the world!"Copy !req
190. Okay, Evan, who do you know?
What do you mean?Copy !req
191. Oh, come on.
Yesterday we're in the basement.Copy !req
192. Today, look at this place.
It's like the Emerald City!Copy !req
193. "Enjoy your office.
Your neighbor, Congressman Long."Copy !req
194. Congressman Long did this?
Did you say "neighbor"?Copy !req
195. That's right. He lives in Prestige Crest,
right up the street.Copy !req
196. Evan, you got to tell me these things.
Think of the publicity angle on this!Copy !req
197. You and Congressman Long
having a barbecue.Copy !req
198. Congressman Long eating your hot dog.Copy !req
199. Hate to break up
your little weenie roast.Copy !req
200. Congressman Long's assistant
just dropped this off.Copy !req
201. The Congressman would like for youCopy !req
202. to junior cosponsor this bill
that he's introducing.Copy !req
203. Hold on. Congressman Long asked us to
junior cosponsor his bill? What's the bill?Copy !req
204. The Citizens' Integration of Public Lands Act.Copy !req
205. Never heard of it. Gene, here, now.
Rita, why didn't you tell me about this?Copy !req
206. I just did.Copy !req
207. You need to tell me about it
before I need to know about it.Copy !req
208. Marty, you are not the vice congressman.
I am the legislative...Copy !req
209. Nobody voted for you. If Evan gets shot
in the head, you do not automatically...Copy !req
210. If Evan got shot in the head,
you're the first suspect.Copy !req
211. Play nice. Play nice.Copy !req
212. All right, Eugene, Congressman Long's bill.
What is it?Copy !req
213. HR7124, better known as CINPLAN.Copy !req
214. The bill would open up fringe areas
of the national parks for development.Copy !req
215. Long's been sitting on it for ages...Copy !req
216. Got it. Pause. Come on, Evan, this is huge.Copy !req
217. You hitch your wagon to the right star,Copy !req
218. you could ride all the way down
to Pennsylvania Avenue.Copy !req
219. This is day one.Copy !req
220. You got your name on a major piece
of legislation!Copy !req
221. Oh, and another thing,
he wants you to read it today.Copy !req
222. Well, I can't do it today.Copy !req
223. I promised my kids...
Eugene.Copy !req
224. Well, sir, there's a time clock on the bill.Copy !req
225. If Congressman Long wants to
pass it this quarter,Copy !req
226. he's going to have to introduce it
to the committee immediately.Copy !req
227. I'm personally going with whatever
Congressman Baxter decides,Copy !req
228. because if I could be like one man,
it'd be him.Copy !req
229. Either him or Kareem.Copy !req
230. Can I tase him?Copy !req
231. Gene! Heel!Copy !req
232. It'd probably be you.Copy !req
233. Come on, Evan, this is it!
This is why we came here!Copy !req
234. It's world-changing time!Copy !req
235. Hey, anybody home?Copy !req
236. Come on. We're in here!Copy !req
237. Hey, guys.Copy !req
238. Dad, guess what? I got all your stuff
packed up so that we can...Copy !req
239. What's wrong?Copy !req
240. We're not going, are we?Copy !req
241. First things first.
I have been asked to junior cosponsor a bill.Copy !req
242. Yeah.Copy !req
243. See? I told you. And you owe me five bucks.Copy !req
244. Whoa, whoa, guys.Copy !req
245. Hey. Hey, we said we would
have to make sacrifices, right?Copy !req
246. Yeah. Whatever.
New house, same old dad.Copy !req
247. Hey, I'm the one who has to read this thing!Copy !req
248. Hey. Did you hear?
Junior cosponsor of a bill.Copy !req
249. Okay, Ry, let's clean all this stuff up.
Dad's got work to do.Copy !req
250. No. It's 6:14.Copy !req
251. Of course. Voodoo clock speaks again.Copy !req
252. What the...Copy !req
253. Hey! Hey! Hey! No. Okay.Copy !req
254. Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! What's going on?Copy !req
255. I got a delivery for Evan Baxter!Copy !req
256. Yeah, that's not mine. I didn't order that!Copy !req
257. I just deliver, guy, huh?
You got a complaint, call the number!Copy !req
258. No! Hey! Listen! We are 416, not 614!Copy !req
259. You've got the wrong house!
You can't leave that there!Copy !req
260. Listen! Listen!Copy !req
261. That's going to leave a brown patch!Copy !req
262. I am a U.S. Congressman!Copy !req
263. Dad, what are you doing? I'm watching this.Copy !req
264. Genesis 6:14.Copy !req
265. Gen 6:14.Copy !req
266. Joan! Do we have a Bible anywhere?Copy !req
267. Genesis 6:14.Copy !req
268. "Make thee an ark of gopher wood..."Copy !req
269. Gopher wood.Copy !req
270. "Go-four-wood." Get it?Copy !req
271. Well, it's not really gopher wood.
I just like the wordplay.Copy !req
272. No, it's pine and maple.Copy !req
273. It was clear-cut from this valley
to make room for all those houses.Copy !req
274. Excuse me. Do I know you?Copy !req
275. Not as well as I'd like.Copy !req
276. I see you got my housewarming gift.Copy !req
277. That was you? You sent those?Copy !req
278. What are they for? Hey! Hey.Copy !req
279. Genesis, chapter six, verse fourteen.Copy !req
280. I want you to build an ark.Copy !req
281. You want me to build an ark.Copy !req
282. Yes.Copy !req
283. So that's why the tools.
And you are responsible for the wood?Copy !req
284. All right. Well, let's just start over.Copy !req
285. Hello, I am Evan...Copy !req
286. Evan Baxter. Born June 15, 1962.Copy !req
287. Eight pounds, 11 ounces.Copy !req
288. Mother's Carroll Ann Parker.
Father, Eugene Evan Baxter.Copy !req
289. You have internet access. Very impressive.
Do you also have cable?Copy !req
290. You're a clean freak. You care much
too much about your outward appearance.Copy !req
291. Your left nipple is a quarter inch higher
than your right nipple.Copy !req
292. And when you were a little boy,
you were afraid of Gumby.Copy !req
293. Who are you?Copy !req
294. I'm God.Copy !req
295. You're God?Copy !req
296. Yes. And I want you, Evan Baxter,
to build an ark.Copy !req
297. Okay. You know what? This conversation
is a little thing I like to call over!Copy !req
298. But I got to get going,
because, frankly, I have an ark to build.Copy !req
299. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting you.
Take care. Oh, and...Copy !req
300. All right, see you later!Copy !req
301. Shake it off, Evan. It's over.
The nutcase is gone.Copy !req
302. I am successful, I'm powerful,
I'm handsome, I'm happy.Copy !req
303. Successful, powerful, handsome, happy.Copy !req
304. Get it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.Copy !req
305. How did you get in here?
I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
306. Oh, no. No need! Look! Look.
There's one right there. Right there.Copy !req
307. Officer! Officer! Officer! Carjacker!
Carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!Copy !req
308. Careful pulling out.
Pedestrian in the crosswalk.Copy !req
309. Shake it off, shake it off!
Shake it off, shake it off!Copy !req
310. Good morning, chief!Copy !req
311. Good morning, Rita.Copy !req
312. You almost scared me to death!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
313. Nothing. Just sort of a weird ride in.Copy !req
314. Weird how?Copy !req
315. It was just a weird ride in.Copy !req
316. Okay, well, thanks for clarifying.Copy !req
317. Here's your mail and your schedule.
Okay.Copy !req
318. And they finally fixed the phones.
My new extension is 614.Copy !req
319. 614.Copy !req
320. Yeah. 614?Copy !req
321. Right.Copy !req
322. You want me to write that down?Copy !req
323. I'd rather you didn't.Copy !req
324. Good morning.Copy !req
325. Hey, Long came through with that seat
on the House Resource Committee.Copy !req
326. You stuck in your thumb
and pulled out a plum, my friend.Copy !req
327. Also, the new Congressional plates
just came in.Copy !req
328. Gene, plates, now.
And Alex at the Buffalo office had her baby.Copy !req
329. Boy or girl?
A little boy. And here he is.Copy !req
330. Just as cute as a button. Not bad
for such an ugly woman. Weighed in at...Copy !req
331. Six pounds, 14 ounces.Copy !req
332. How'd you know that?Copy !req
333. Lucky guess.Copy !req
334. Hot, hot, hot! Hot off the press!
It's a joke. Here are your plates, sir.Copy !req
335. Those are rock-star plates, man.
You can park anywhere.Copy !req
336. You can't be sitting in a chair.Copy !req
337. You've got a committee meeting
in five minutes.Copy !req
338. Come on, BMIC, Big Man in Congress.
Evan Baxter, the shark on the move.Copy !req
339. House Resources Committee
is now in order.Copy !req
340. The Chair recognizes the congresswoman
from TennesseeCopy !req
341. to lead the Pledge of Allegiance.Copy !req
342. I pledge allegiance to the flag...Copy !req
343. I pledge allegiance to the flagCopy !req
344. of the United States of AmericaCopy !req
345. and to the Republic, for which it stands...Copy !req
346. - ... one nation, under me...
- One nation, under God...Copy !req
347. Indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.Copy !req
348. How long do you want to do this, son?
I've got all eternity.Copy !req
349. Hey. You okay, young man?Copy !req
350. What happened?
You fainted.Copy !req
351. Dropped like a leaf
during the Pledge of Allegiance.Copy !req
352. Chuck Long,
Resources Committee Chairman.Copy !req
353. Oh. Oh. Congressman Long. Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry about...Copy !req
354. Forget it! Many a man's been humbled
by his first day in Congress.Copy !req
355. So, how'd you like that office?Copy !req
356. Oh, it was great. Yes. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
357. Not bad for a freshman dorm room, huh?Copy !req
358. So here's the skinny.Copy !req
359. I'm bringing you into my land use billCopy !req
360. because you strike me as the type of guy
who knows how to hit the ground running.Copy !req
361. Yes, sir. I read the bill, and it's great.
I just had a few questions.Copy !req
362. Hey, I wrote the thing
and I have a few questions.Copy !req
363. We'll get to the questions later.
So, you with us?Copy !req
364. Yes, sir. I'm in.
Wonderful!Copy !req
365. I'll need you to put that into
a letter of intent,Copy !req
366. as soon as you're feeling up to it,
of course. You get yourself better.Copy !req
367. Enjoy that office.Copy !req
368. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
369. He's exhausted from reading that bill.
I got woozy from just carrying it.Copy !req
370. Evan, sit down.Copy !req
371. Evan, what happened to you?Copy !req
372. You can't faint during the Pledge
of Allegiance. It's un-American.Copy !req
373. Oh, good. The doctor's here.Copy !req
374. Say "ah."Copy !req
375. Just go home, get some rest
and start on that ark. You hear me?Copy !req
376. Evan?Copy !req
377. O.K.
God warned noah about the great flood was coming...Copy !req
378. Noah build the ark for his wife and 3 sons...Copy !req
379. The ark was 300 qubics long and
50 qubics highCopy !req
380. Heyyy!Copy !req
381. What are you doing?
Hmmm...Copy !req
382. Going over Todd's Bill?Copy !req
383. Yea... That's what I was looking at...
Oh man...Copy !req
384. there's a lot...
a lot of research to do on itCopy !req
385. You know David, you have every right
to be freaked outCopy !req
386. I'm not freaked out, why would I be freaked out?Copy !req
387. I'm freaking out, because of the future
just listen you just got a new job...Copy !req
388. and then with this freaking bill your working on...
sofort and on and on...Copy !req
389. The name is stressedCopy !req
390. Oh no honey, I've known you 20 years...
I know your stressedCopy !req
391. They're getting to much sugar in they're bloodCopy !req
392. Thank you honey
- O.K.Copy !req
393. She's right
This is cracyCopy !req
394. I'm just stressed and you are goneCopy !req
395. Good MorningCopy !req
396. Good MorningCopy !req
397. Good Morning, how are you?Copy !req
398. Somebody is in a good moodCopy !req
399. I am, I thought about what you said and
you're right, I need to get my head on straightCopy !req
400. Guess what?
This weekend we're going on a Hike-ing tripCopy !req
401. Hurray... Yeeaa... high five it
We're going on a hiking tripCopy !req
402. We're gonna have a rightess hiking tripCopy !req
403. Hey dad look!
2 doves that's supose to be good luckCopy !req
404. Well today must be my lucky dayCopy !req
405. Bye guys
Bye byeCopy !req
406. Good morning kitty
Keep moving... break it upCopy !req
407. Hey!
When you're on my lawn keep it in your pot!Copy !req
408. Ohh... ohh... hey!
Thank's for sharingCopy !req
409. You're right on time.Copy !req
410. Long just called. He's on his way with the
powers that be. Who are they, Gene? Talk.Copy !req
411. Congressman Jim Dodd,
head of Ways and Means.Copy !req
412. But don't worry, sir,
he's definitely not "way mean."Copy !req
413. That's speculation.
I don't know him personally...Copy !req
414. That's too much, Gene. Who else?Copy !req
415. Congressman Richard Stamp,
head of Commerce,Copy !req
416. and Bob Hughes is Transportation.Copy !req
417. I have a draft of your support letter.Copy !req
418. Sounds like a plan.
Are you all right?Copy !req
419. I'm good.Copy !req
420. You sure you're good? Okay.Copy !req
421. Good morning, chief.
Good morning, Rita.Copy !req
422. Are you okay?
I'm fine.Copy !req
423. You don't look so good.
That's what I said.Copy !req
424. You're all jumpy. Are you on that Fen-Phen?Copy !req
425. Guys, I'm fine. I'll be inside.Copy !req
426. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
427. No. Okay. No, no. No. No, no. No.Copy !req
428. No, no, no. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
429. Guys! No, no! Get out! Get out! Oh, my hair!Copy !req
430. Gentlemen, welcome.
What an honor to have you here.Copy !req
431. I'm Marty Stringer.
I'm Congressman Baxter's chief of staff.Copy !req
432. This is Rita Daniels, his executive assistant.Copy !req
433. Are you ready, sir?Copy !req
434. Just a minute. No, no, no, no.
Dirty, dirty, dirty! Big one!Copy !req
435. Baxter's only a freshman, sir, but I think
you'll find he is locked and loaded.Copy !req
436. Good. Maybe this young stud can help me
get these old mares on board.Copy !req
437. Oh, you'll be impressed.Copy !req
438. Gentlemen, good to see you.Copy !req
439. Do you want to explain yourself,
Congressman? What is going on?Copy !req
440. Oh, theseCopy !req
441. Are birds.Copy !req
442. What are they doing here?
How did they get in here?Copy !req
443. Well, that is an excellent question.Copy !req
444. And my response to said question is,Copy !req
445. they are trainedCopy !req
446. aviaries, sir.Copy !req
447. Let me make you see
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
448. I can make any sort of movement,
and they will not get off!Copy !req
449. Do you have a point, Congressman?Copy !req
450. Hey, guys, what's the point?Copy !req
451. What's my point?Copy !req
452. I'll tell you.Copy !req
453. The point isCopy !req
454. that manCopy !req
455. needs to dominate creaturesCopy !req
456. and, ultimately, man mustCopy !req
457. dictate what happens in this country.Copy !req
458. God bless America.Copy !req
459. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
460. You have got to be kidding me.Copy !req
461. No, of course not.Copy !req
462. We lost a huge project last year
because of the red-headed woodpecker.Copy !req
463. Those environmentalists got so up in armsCopy !req
464. over the potential disappearance
of one stupid bird...Copy !req
465. Yeah, birds are stupid sometimes.Copy !req
466. we lost over $25 million in business.Copy !req
467. I see where you're going with this,
Congressman. Good work!Copy !req
468. Your little display has obviously
hit a chord. Gentlemen.Copy !req
469. From now on, let's keep the surprises
to a maximum of, say, none. Understood?Copy !req
470. Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.Copy !req
471. Evan, that was brilliant. Risky, but brilliant.Copy !req
472. What the...Copy !req
473. I'll tell you one thing, these birds had
a nice big meal before they flew in here.Copy !req
474. You want me to get my BB gun?Copy !req
475. You know what I want you to do?
I want you to open the door.Copy !req
476. Open the door?Copy !req
477. Just open the door!Copy !req
478. Close the door after I leave! Just do it!Copy !req
479. Okay.Copy !req
480. One, two, three!Copy !req
481. Man, if I get the bird flu,
he is paying for my medical bills!Copy !req
482. Sheep!Copy !req
483. Oh, no.Copy !req
484. Oh, gosh.Copy !req
485. Go, go, go! Get out!Copy !req
486. Okay. No.Copy !req
487. No. No.Copy !req
488. I'm not doing this. It's insane!Copy !req
489. No!Copy !req
490. Enough already!Copy !req
491. See, if you had an ark,
you'd have a place to put them all.Copy !req
492. Why are you doing this? Why me?Copy !req
493. It's not time yet. Go on. Go on.Copy !req
494. Yeah, go on.Copy !req
495. So how about it?
Feel like living on the edge?Copy !req
496. Beautiful, isn't it?
I remember creating this valley.Copy !req
497. Notice how the mountains line up
east to west.Copy !req
498. That's so there'd be lots of sunshine.Copy !req
499. Where are we?Copy !req
500. Don't recognize it, eh?Copy !req
501. No.Copy !req
502. This is where you live, son.
This is Prestige Crest.Copy !req
503. I wanted you to see the original design.Copy !req
504. So, you're really him, aren't you?Copy !req
505. You want more proof? I haven't done
the pillar of salt thing in a while.Copy !req
506. That's all right. I believe you. I just...
I don't understand why you chose me.Copy !req
507. You want to change the world, son.Copy !req
508. So do I.Copy !req
509. What? Well, why an ark?
I mean, that's like flood territory.Copy !req
510. You wouldn't do that again.
You wouldn't do that. Would you do that?Copy !req
511. Let's just say that whatever I do,Copy !req
512. I do because I love you.Copy !req
513. Well, then you have to understand
that this whole building-an-ark thingCopy !req
514. is really not part of my plans here.Copy !req
515. I need to settle into my house.
I need to make a good impression at work.Copy !req
516. What?Copy !req
517. Your plans. That's just...Copy !req
518. What are you talking...Copy !req
519. We're talking about an ark, right?
I mean, an ark?Copy !req
520. An ark is huge!
I don't even know where I would begin!Copy !req
521. Well, I hear that a lot.Copy !req
522. People want to change the world,
don't know how to begin.Copy !req
523. You want to know
how to change the world, son?Copy !req
524. One act of random kindness at a time.Copy !req
525. Build the ark.Copy !req
526. I'll tell you what. You build it, I'll fill it.Copy !req
527. And if anybody asks,
tell them a flood's coming.Copy !req
528. Oh, and you might need this.Copy !req
529. Well, okay. Okay, so what do I do?
I grab the wood and...Copy !req
530. Well, okay.Copy !req
531. You know, that's just cruel.Copy !req
532. Do you see him?Copy !req
533. I don't see him.Copy !req
534. "Building an Ark the Old-Fashioned Way."Copy !req
535. "God is the creator of
the Heavens and the Earth."Copy !req
536. "He lives in all things and has over
six billion seven hundred million children."Copy !req
537. Honey? You okay?
You need something?Copy !req
538. No, nothing. Just dropped something.Copy !req
539. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
540. Yeah.Copy !req
541. There we go. Okay.Copy !req
542. Come on. I mean, a beard?
A beard's so dirty.Copy !req
543. Gross!Copy !req
544. Packing, so it would really help me
out if you would...Copy !req
545. Good morning.Copy !req
546. Hey, hey, hey, good morning.Copy !req
547. Wow.Copy !req
548. What's with the scruffle, mountain man?Copy !req
549. Oh, well, you know, I figured it was
a weekend, and I thought...Copy !req
550. What?Copy !req
551. Honey, did I miss something?
How long have you been growing that?Copy !req
552. I'll get the door!Copy !req
553. Congratulations!Copy !req
554. What are you talking about?Copy !req
555. The lots. You bought the lots next door!Copy !req
556. Hello!Copy !req
557. Oh...Copy !req
558. And pulling the down payment out of
your home equity? Very gutsy move.Copy !req
559. I didn't do that, did I?Copy !req
560. You sure did. So what's your plan?
What are you gonna do?Copy !req
561. Turn them for a quick profit?
Build them out on spec?Copy !req
562. Who wants champagne? Hip, hip hooray!Copy !req
563. You bought eight lots?Copy !req
564. Yup. I was going to surprise you.Copy !req
565. "Surprise, surprise, surprise." Gomer Pyle.Copy !req
566. What are you doing?
We can't afford that.Copy !req
567. Hey, Mom. John Lennon,
good to see you again.Copy !req
568. Good to see you.Copy !req
569. And eight lots? What are you going to
do with eight lots?Copy !req
570. I don't know.
Maybe I'll build a boat.Copy !req
571. Did you say "build a boat"?Copy !req
572. It might be something fun for the family.Copy !req
573. We could take the boat,
go sailing on the lake.Copy !req
574. It'd be great in case it floods or something.Copy !req
575. What is going on with you?Copy !req
576. You bought all those lots
and you're talking about building a boat.Copy !req
577. Yeah.
And you grow this crazy beard!Copy !req
578. Is this, like, a midlife crisis?Copy !req
579. It's not that bad!Copy !req
580. It's not?
No.Copy !req
581. Why do you think they call it a crisis?Copy !req
582. Hey, keep it down, you guys! Okay?Copy !req
583. Oh, my God.Copy !req
584. Honey?Copy !req
585. Oh, my God.Copy !req
586. Honey?Copy !req
587. I know this sounds crazy.Copy !req
588. I really think I need to do this.Copy !req
589. Okay.Copy !req
590. Build your boat.Copy !req
591. Just don't take too long, okay?Copy !req
592. Because we didn't leave our lives in Buffalo
so you could sail the S.S. Depression.Copy !req
593. Here we go.Copy !req
594. Gentlemen, I'm sure you're all wondering
why I've assembled you here today.Copy !req
595. An Argentine lake duck has
a penis as long as its body.Copy !req
596. Wow, that's huge. He must be proud.Copy !req
597. So, I have come up with a little
construction project for us this weekend.Copy !req
598. The whole weekend?Copy !req
599. The whole weekend. Yes!Copy !req
600. And maybe a couple weekends after that.Copy !req
601. I can do this. Help!Copy !req
602. How do I stand up with a piece of wood?
Here we go.Copy !req
603. Oh, man. Okay, that's good.Copy !req
604. Mother! Father! Sister! Brother! Wow!Copy !req
605. Keep it straight.Copy !req
606. Hey, Dad, he's back!Copy !req
607. Ryan, no, don't do...Copy !req
608. Ow!Copy !req
609. Leverage it up! Leverage. Okay.Copy !req
610. Just put some leverage.
You got to put some body weight.Copy !req
611. Ready? One, two, three. Come on.Copy !req
612. Oh, I'm an idiot.Copy !req
613. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Congressman.
Why do you have raw beef hands?"Copy !req
614. "Well, I'm building an ark."Copy !req
615. I got a boo-boo! I got a boo-boo!
I got a boo-boo!Copy !req
616. You ever hear of Home Depot?
Here we go! Here we go! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
617. All right. So our little Marlboro Man
moment didn't work out so well.Copy !req
618. It's a disaster. I don't know
how to build something like this.Copy !req
619. That's easy. Just don't.Copy !req
620. Wow.Copy !req
621. Hello.Copy !req
622. Yes, Marty. Your fearless leader is right here.Copy !req
623. Hey, Marty, what's up?Copy !req
624. Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you.Copy !req
625. I might need security. Thank you.Copy !req
626. Can I help you?Copy !req
627. Rita, it's me.Copy !req
628. Why do you sound like Evan Baxter,
but look like a Bee Gee?Copy !req
629. Okay. All right.Copy !req
630. Okay, that's great. It's longer.Copy !req
631. Oh, my God. It is you.Copy !req
632. Evan, what happened?Copy !req
633. Did you fall in a mine shaft?Copy !req
634. No.Copy !req
635. Did you just come out of a coma?Copy !req
636. No.Copy !req
637. Were you attacked by a werewolf?Copy !req
638. No, I wasn't.Copy !req
639. Well, if you were going for that rugged look,
you overshot it.Copy !req
640. You look like a bum in a suit.Copy !req
641. You need Super cuts and a shave.Copy !req
642. Right! Yeah. But I can't. It doesn't work.Copy !req
643. What do you mean, it doesn't work?Copy !req
644. It doesn't work!Copy !req
645. What? Are you shooting up Rogaine?Copy !req
646. Rita, if Evan shows up... I'm sorry, sir.
I'll be with you in just one...Copy !req
647. Evan?
Take it in. Take it in.Copy !req
648. Okay, yeah, to answer any questions
you may have,Copy !req
649. I am going through adult puberty!Copy !req
650. This is all temporary.
Why did you bring me down here?Copy !req
651. What was so important?Copy !req
652. What is so important?Copy !req
653. I've got a letter of intent here
about Congressman Long's bill.Copy !req
654. You remember that, don't you?Copy !req
655. Well, you haven't been here and now
he wants you to sign this in person, Evan!Copy !req
656. No, I can't do that. Nope, nope, nope.
Not gonna happen.Copy !req
657. No. You can't do that.
Not looking like that. You have to go shave!Copy !req
658. I can't shave, Marty.
When I shave, it grows back out.Copy !req
659. That happens when you shave!
But then you shave again!Copy !req
660. You have no idea.Copy !req
661. Evan, what is going on?Copy !req
662. I'm...Copy !req
663. Building something.Copy !req
664. You're building something?Copy !req
665. Well, I hope it's a barber shop.Copy !req
666. Guys, I can't let Long see me
this way, okay?Copy !req
667. You're gonna have to tell him I'm sick.
Just cover for me. Just help me out!Copy !req
668. Come on, Evan, be reasonable.
You got to get rid of that beard.Copy !req
669. I need your face back. I need you back.Copy !req
670. Can you at least tell me
what you're building?Copy !req
671. I'm building a boat.
You're building a boat?Copy !req
672. Look, you got to cover for me.
I don't want anybody to see...Copy !req
673. Congressman! There you are!Copy !req
674. Congressman Long, I, I, I, I...Copy !req
675. Stop stammering, son.
We all play hooky from time to time.Copy !req
676. I'm not gonna turn you in to the principal.
Mostly because I am the principal.Copy !req
677. Very good.Copy !req
678. What's with the veil?
Did you get your new set of braces?Copy !req
679. No, no. No. That's hilarious, though.Copy !req
680. Would you drop that thing, son?
I can't understand a word you're saying.Copy !req
681. It's a wife thing, sir.Copy !req
682. Just trying to spice up the love life.Copy !req
683. She's a big Loggins and Messina fan.Copy !req
684. Keeping it fresh. Keeping it real.Copy !req
685. Would you excuse us for a moment?Copy !req
686. The Congressman and I are going to
have a little chat.Copy !req
687. Come on.Copy !req
688. Nice, isn't it? Politics is dog-eat-dog,Copy !req
689. but if you survive, they give you
a bigger den. Have a seat.Copy !req
690. So, tell me, Congressman,
are you freaking out on me or what?Copy !req
691. No, sir.Copy !req
692. Oh, come on, son. I hand you
your first cosponsor ship of a bill,Copy !req
693. and when you finally show up
you look like the fifth Beatle.Copy !req
694. Now, you expect me to believe
everything is hunky dory?Copy !req
695. Well, sir, actually, things have been
a little more dory.Copy !req
696. Of course they are. I get it.
You know anything about animals, son?Copy !req
697. The Argentine lake duck has a penis
as long as its body.Copy !req
698. Although you probably already know that.
Or have heard it. Not experienced it.Copy !req
699. You ever heard of the Arctic white wolf?Copy !req
700. No, sir.Copy !req
701. Top of the food chain.Copy !req
702. It's fast, it's smart, can fend for itself,
but it chooses not to.Copy !req
703. It chooses to run with a pack.Copy !req
704. And do you know why?Copy !req
705. No.Copy !req
706. The Arctic white wolf,
Congressman, realizesCopy !req
707. that it is stronger as part of a group.Copy !req
708. Do you know what happens when one of
these wolves decides to fend for itself?Copy !req
709. The pack kills the loner
for the greater good of the community.Copy !req
710. Ouch, that hurts.Copy !req
711. Are you familiar with Jim Jenkins,
the junior congressman from Tennessee?Copy !req
712. When I met Congressman Jenkins,
he was fresh off the turnip truck,Copy !req
713. but now he's sitting on his own committee.Copy !req
714. Congressman Jenkins, Congressman
Whitehall, Congressman Freeman,Copy !req
715. they all have committee chairs
because they all run with the pack.Copy !req
716. Now, you have to come to a decision.Copy !req
717. Are you gonna run with the pack
or are you gonna lone wolf it?Copy !req
718. I am a pack man, sir.Copy !req
719. Good. I'm introducing the CINPLAN bill
in 2 weeks. C-SPAN is covering it live.Copy !req
720. I want your full support and nothing else.Copy !req
721. Yes, sir.Copy !req
722. Those fish are on you like bait on a hook.Copy !req
723. Birds follow you.Copy !req
724. Fish follow you.Copy !req
725. Let's see if we can get
some congressmen to follow you.Copy !req
726. Let's get this bill passed,
shall we, Congressman?Copy !req
727. Yes, sir.Copy !req
728. Hey, fleabag, out of the way.Copy !req
729. Hey, Dad, I think there are more
animals than yesterday.Copy !req
730. Well, let's not keep
our audience waiting, shall we?Copy !req
731. Up, up. Push it up. Push it.
We got it. We got it. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
732. Come on. Just let it go, just let it go.Copy !req
733. Dad, we can do this,
but we're gonna need some help.Copy !req
734. I know. We just need something
to lift those beams.Copy !req
735. Like that?Copy !req
736. Holy moly!Copy !req
737. This is so totally awesome!Copy !req
738. This is perfect.Copy !req
739. Dad, there's a note.Copy !req
740. Let me see that.Copy !req
741. How does it work?Copy !req
742. Dad, this is really weird.Copy !req
743. Repeat after me, "We are hamsters!"Copy !req
744. We are hamsters!Copy !req
745. Leg power!Copy !req
746. Leg power!Copy !req
747. And it's in!Copy !req
748. That's it.Copy !req
749. Hey, who has opposable thumbs? Anybody?Copy !req
750. You want to try this one?
Make sure it's straight.Copy !req
751. - This is awesome!
- This is so cool.Copy !req
752. - Here we go.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
753. Yeah. Gotta do the dance.
Come on, let's do the dance.Copy !req
754. - We're doing the dance.
- Dylan, come on. Do the dance.Copy !req
755. - Come on, do the dance.
- I'm not doing the dance.Copy !req
756. Ow!Copy !req
757. Don't scratch!Copy !req
758. Stop it. Come here.Copy !req
759. Insult to injury! My!Copy !req
760. Good boy.Copy !req
761. Okay, guys. A little bit more.Copy !req
762. Here we go. I got it. Keep it... That's it!Copy !req
763. Beautiful!Copy !req
764. You guys all right?Copy !req
765. Yup.Copy !req
766. "G."Copy !req
767. Mmm, mmm, mmm.Copy !req
768. Well, I hope this isn't our last supper.Copy !req
769. so this dry, hot weather will continue.Copy !req
770. Until September 22, midday.Copy !req
771. If the ark isn't finished by then, you will be.Copy !req
772. Is that when it's going to happen?
September 22, midday?Copy !req
773. High temperatures tomorrow
back into the 90s everywhere,Copy !req
774. right on through TuesdayCopy !req
775. and the next seven days,
no showers, no storms.Copy !req
776. That would be a good day to have chicken.
How about Mom's chicken? Huh?Copy !req
777. Hon, could we have some more chicken
September 22, midday?Copy !req
778. Boys, will you excuse us, please?
Your father and I need to have a little talk.Copy !req
779. Busted.Copy !req
780. Dad, you're busted.Copy !req
781. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
782. What are you doing?Copy !req
783. Do we have anything unleavened?Copy !req
784. Yeah, we do, it's in the back,
next to the frankincense and myrrh.Copy !req
785. We have a fancy name for it in this century,
it's called pita.Copy !req
786. Got it.Copy !req
787. Evan, what is happening to you?Copy !req
788. Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you.Copy !req
789. The hair. Are you on something?
Is it a mega-growth hormone? What?Copy !req
790. Evan, talk to me.Copy !req
791. I'm building an ark.Copy !req
792. What does that mean?Copy !req
793. God appeared to me
and told me to build an ark.Copy !req
794. He said there was going to be a flood
and that I should be prepared.Copy !req
795. Whenever I shave,
my beard grows right back out.Copy !req
796. My hair grows longer every day.
This robe... God sent me the robe.Copy !req
797. He thought it would be funny.Copy !req
798. I actually think it's really comfortable.
That's why I'm wearing it.Copy !req
799. The beard, the robe.Copy !req
800. You're Noah?Copy !req
801. Yeah, kind of.Copy !req
802. Mom!Copy !req
803. Not now, Noah!Copy !req
804. Dylan.Copy !req
805. Okay.Copy !req
806. We left everything behind to come here.Copy !req
807. Maybe that's put too much pressure on you.
I don't know.Copy !req
808. But this has got to stop.
Please. You're scaring me.Copy !req
809. The boys need their father back,
and I need my husband back.Copy !req
810. Yes. Successful. Powerful.
Handsome. Happy.Copy !req
811. Successful. Powerful. Handsome. Happy.Copy !req
812. Good morning!Copy !req
813. Cold today, huh?Copy !req
814. Hmm?Copy !req
815. "Back to work"?Copy !req
816. Okay. All right. You want me
to wear the robe? I'll wear the robe.Copy !req
817. Two can play this game.Copy !req
818. Ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
819. Piece de resistance.Copy !req
820. The student has become the teacher.Copy !req
821. This meeting will come to order.Copy !req
822. Rita, any sign of him?Copy !req
823. Marty, I told you,
I will let you know as soon as...Copy !req
824. You know what? You got me. He's here.
We're in the middle of a yoga class.Copy !req
825. Rita, this is no time for jokes.
I'm not kidding.Copy !req
826. If he's not in that meeting,
we're all out of a job.Copy !req
827. Wait a minute.
Let me finish my sun salutation.Copy !req
828. Marty! Sorry I'm late. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
829. What is that?Copy !req
830. Making lemonade out of lemons.
Pick up your phone! Come on!Copy !req
831. At its heart,
this bill gives private citizens accessCopy !req
832. to lands they technically already own.Copy !req
833. Will the Chairman yield?Copy !req
834. Oh, look, there he is.Copy !req
835. Yup, yup, I see him.Copy !req
836. Access is just a word you're using
to hide what's really going on here.Copy !req
837. This is about development,
short and simple.Copy !req
838. Evan, what are you doing?
You have a pony tail on your face!Copy !req
839. What you gonna do next?
Cornrow your eyebrows?Copy !req
840. Development means
the advancement of jobs,Copy !req
841. an increase in domestic commerce.
If you happen to like those things,Copy !req
842. I invite you to join myself and
my cosponsors, Congressman Dodd,Copy !req
843. Congressman HughesCopy !req
844. and Congressman Baxter.Copy !req
845. Did you just do a wardrobe change?Copy !req
846. What do you think this is, the Oscars?
You are not Whoopi.Copy !req
847. Ladies and gentlemen! Please!Copy !req
848. Please! Congressman Baxter has a tendency
to embrace the theatricalCopy !req
849. in his support of this bill.
Congressman, let me warn you,Copy !req
850. you are approximately 10 seconds away
from committee censure.Copy !req
851. Oh, no. Hey, would anyone mind
if I close the window?Copy !req
852. Ladies and gentlemen! Please!
These animals are trained!Copy !req
853. I've seen this circus act before!Copy !req
854. Congressman, I'm sure St. Francis
would be envious.Copy !req
855. We, however, are not.
You have five seconds.Copy !req
856. You march yourself and your
little animal troupe out of here nowCopy !req
857. or you will be forcibly removed.Copy !req
858. I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.Copy !req
859. Congressman!Copy !req
860. These animals are not trained.Copy !req
861. Congressman!Copy !req
862. I think they want me to save them!Copy !req
863. Save them from what, Congressman?Copy !req
864. Saving the animals, okay.
I can roll with that. That's a good idea.Copy !req
865. The flood.Copy !req
866. A flood? Rolling out.Copy !req
867. The flood.Copy !req
868. This has been the hottest,
driest summer on recordCopy !req
869. and you say we're going to have a flood?Copy !req
870. When might we expect this?Copy !req
871. September 22, midday.Copy !req
872. That's what I was told.Copy !req
873. Might I ask who told you?Copy !req
874. Not in front of all those people.
Don't say it. Don't say it.Copy !req
875. God.Copy !req
876. God? You talk to God?Copy !req
877. Yes.Copy !req
878. And God is talking back?Copy !req
879. Yeah. We hung out a little.Copy !req
880. Well, time to update the resume.Copy !req
881. Congressman, your name is being
removed from this bill.Copy !req
882. Obviously, the stresses of this office
have proven too much for you.Copy !req
883. Please have the congressman removed.Copy !req
884. No. Please! You don't understand!Copy !req
885. God commanded me to build an ark!Copy !req
886. It's going to rain!
There's going to be a flood!Copy !req
887. Remove him now!Copy !req
888. We have to prepare ourselves!Copy !req
889. I need to finish the ark!Copy !req
890. Remove him now!Copy !req
891. Does this mean we're moving back home?Copy !req
892. Home, Canada. One or the other.Copy !req
893. Joan? I know you probably saw
what happened, but I can explain.Copy !req
894. Take the stuff to the car, guys.
I'll be there in a minute.Copy !req
895. Guys?Copy !req
896. I'm gonna take them to my mother's.
Evan, I think you need help.Copy !req
897. Joan, please. I'm not doing this.
It's not me. It's him.Copy !req
898. I went to that meeting in a suit,
and he took it off of me.Copy !req
899. Those animals are following me
because of him.Copy !req
900. God? Does God know
he's destroying our lives?Copy !req
901. Does God know he's going to get you fired?Copy !req
902. Yeah! He's trying to get me fired!Copy !req
903. He is trying to get me fired!Copy !req
904. That way I'll have more time
to work on the ark!Copy !req
905. Because the rain and the floods are coming.Copy !req
906. No, I heard you, Evan.
The whole world heard you.Copy !req
907. Joan, please, you gotta believe me.Copy !req
908. There it is! It's happening!
It's happening! It's raining!Copy !req
909. Goodbye, Evan.Copy !req
910. Joan!Copy !req
911. I know! I know. Whatever you do,
you do because you love me!Copy !req
912. Do me a favor. Love me less.Copy !req
913. Congressman!Copy !req
914. Are you concerned at all
about Congressman Baxter's tiradeCopy !req
915. and the adverse effects
it may have on your bill?Copy !req
916. The day it rains and floods and
Congressman Baxter takes a ride on his ark,Copy !req
917. that'll be the day
I'll be concerned. Thank you.Copy !req
918. His name is Evan Baxter,
but now he goes by "New York's Noah,"Copy !req
919. "Heaven's Evan,"
"The Weirdo with a Beardo."Copy !req
920. Okay, guys. Watch it. Watch it.
Coming through. Watch your back.Copy !req
921. Marty, will you comment on Congressman
Baxter's change of appearance?Copy !req
922. Yes, his hair is long.
Yes, his beard is unshaven.Copy !req
923. Are you equally stunned
by this man's appearance?Copy !req
924. The way things go around here,Copy !req
925. if he gets any crazier,
we may end up in the White House.Copy !req
926. Hey! No, no, no! That's my cup!Copy !req
927. Whatever.Copy !req
928. He's filling the boat with
two of every kind of animal.Copy !req
929. Still to be collected,
two giraffes, two elephantsCopy !req
930. and one more jackass.Copy !req
931. What an idiot.Copy !req
932. He's a mook.Copy !req
933. Jerks.Copy !req
934. Don't worry about it, you guys.
Come on, eat up.Copy !req
935. Not hungry.Copy !req
936. Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
937. You guys can't eat. I can't stop.Copy !req
938. Can I go to the bathroom?
Me, too?Copy !req
939. Okay. Dylan, go with them. Please?Copy !req
940. Fine.Copy !req
941. Excuse me. Can I get a refill, please?Copy !req
942. Coming right up.Copy !req
943. Thank you.Copy !req
944. Excuse me. Are you all right?Copy !req
945. Yeah.Copy !req
946. No. It's a long story.Copy !req
947. Well, I like stories.Copy !req
948. I'm considered a bit of a storyteller myself.Copy !req
949. My husband...
Have you heard of "New York's Noah"?Copy !req
950. The guy who's building the ark.Copy !req
951. That's him.Copy !req
952. I love that story, Noah and the Ark.Copy !req
953. You know, a lot of people miss
the point of that story.Copy !req
954. They think it's about God's wrath and anger.Copy !req
955. They love it when God gets angry.Copy !req
956. What is the story about, then? The ark?Copy !req
957. Well, I think it's a love story
about believing in each other.Copy !req
958. You know, the animals showed up in pairs.
They stood by each other, side by side,Copy !req
959. just like Noah and his family.
Everybody entered the ark side by side.Copy !req
960. But my husband says God told him to do it.Copy !req
961. What do you do with that?Copy !req
962. Sounds like an opportunity.Copy !req
963. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
964. If someone prays for patience,
you think God gives them patience?Copy !req
965. Or does he give them
the opportunity to be patient?Copy !req
966. If they pray for courage,
does God give them courage,Copy !req
967. or does he give them opportunities
to be courageous?Copy !req
968. If someone prayed
for their family to be closer,Copy !req
969. you think God zaps them
with warm, fuzzy feelings?Copy !req
970. Or does he give them opportunities
to love each other?Copy !req
971. Well, I got to run.
A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.Copy !req
972. Guess this comes as no surprise to
those who remember his campaign promise,Copy !req
973. "I will lower taxes,"Copy !req
974. "go crazy and build a gigantic ark."Copy !req
975. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
976. Evan!Copy !req
977. Dad?Copy !req
978. Honey!Copy !req
979. Dad?Copy !req
980. You guys, I'm up here.Copy !req
981. - Rough week?
- You look really funny.Copy !req
982. You look really old.Copy !req
983. Yeah, well, he is really old.Copy !req
984. Why'd you come back?Copy !req
985. It was the kids.Copy !req
986. Tell him, guys.Copy !req
987. We like you better as the crazy guy.Copy !req
988. You spend time with us
and you're home a lot more.Copy !req
989. Just, please don't make us do
the dance anymore.Copy !req
990. I don't know what's going on,
or what you're going through,Copy !req
991. but we got into this as a familyCopy !req
992. and we're gonna get out of it as a family,Copy !req
993. side by side.Copy !req
994. But, Evan, we have to talk about the ark.
It has to come down.Copy !req
995. I can't do that.Copy !req
996. You don't have a choice.Copy !req
997. Congressman Long went to the city.
There's a laundry list of code violations.Copy !req
998. You have until September 22
to take it down,Copy !req
999. or they'll take it down and arrest you.Copy !req
1000. September 22. That's the day of the flood.Copy !req
1001. Mom! Dad! Come here!Copy !req
1002. Don't you dare take that ark down.Copy !req
1003. How are we gonna do this?Copy !req
1004. There's no way the five
of us can finish on time.Copy !req
1005. We don't have money to hire anybody else.Copy !req
1006. Is that a llama with a hammer?Copy !req
1007. An alpaca. They rarely spit at people
unless frightened or abused.Copy !req
1008. Let's finish this sucker.Copy !req
1009. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
1010. No one knows
where they came fromCopy !req
1011. or how the congressman
is getting them to do it,Copy !req
1012. but, two by two, animals of all kinds
are working with Godspeed to build this ark.Copy !req
1013. Thank you.Copy !req
1014. If this flood really does happen,
"Evan help us."Copy !req
1015. Hey! A little help?Copy !req
1016. Thanks.Copy !req
1017. Here it is, hon.Copy !req
1018. Perfect. Thanks.Copy !req
1019. Hold it right there.Copy !req
1020. This is Ed Carson coming to you
live from New York Noah's construction site,Copy !req
1021. where we are unable to leave the news van
due to hazardous conditions outside.Copy !req
1022. High five.
High five.Copy !req
1023. Good job.Copy !req
1024. Hey, putty tat.Copy !req
1025. Go, go, go! He tried to eat me!Copy !req
1026. Dylan! Jordan! Check it out!
Your mom's building an ark!Copy !req
1027. Let's do the dance.Copy !req
1028. No, please, No.Copy !req
1029. Well, where did
the animals come from, then?Copy !req
1030. Please. It's a trick.Copy !req
1031. It's a circus is what it is.Copy !req
1032. Wild animals running amok
in suburban Virginia.Copy !req
1033. With all these species,
what's being done about the feces?Copy !req
1034. Evan Baxter! You have gone from newsman
to congressman to caveman.Copy !req
1035. What makes you so sure God chose you?Copy !req
1036. He chose all of us.Copy !req
1037. Time to wash up, you guys.Copy !req
1038. Thanks.Copy !req
1039. You want some?Copy !req
1040. Why couldn't the man
just buy a Corvette?Copy !req
1041. Well, well, well. There they are.
It is good to see you guys.Copy !req
1042. It's good to see you! Your hair looks great.
It's very regal. Man, I love your hair!Copy !req
1043. And you're still sucking up.Copy !req
1044. So, why are you here?Copy !req
1045. Long locked us out.Copy !req
1046. He can't do that.Copy !req
1047. I mean, I've been suspended,
but I'm still a congressman.Copy !req
1048. Rita, tell him what you know.Copy !req
1049. Tell me what?Copy !req
1050. I smelled a rat the second
we got that office.Copy !req
1051. You don't get an office
like that for nothing.Copy !req
1052. So I had the stalker here
do some research.Copy !req
1053. Okay, Eugene, talk.Copy !req
1054. Prestige Crest used to be federal lands,Copy !req
1055. but what's interesting is
how it got into private hands.Copy !req
1056. Congressman Long got the approval
to build a damCopy !req
1057. and then passed out the surrounding lands
to a group of private investors.Copy !req
1058. Now, the locals fought this thing for years.Copy !req
1059. They said Long and his developer buddies
were cutting corners,Copy !req
1060. like skipping important
building code checkpoints.Copy !req
1061. And with the land use bill, he's gonna do
the same thing with the national parks.Copy !req
1062. So, you stand by and shake your pom-poms
while Long and his buddies get rich.Copy !req
1063. What can we do? I'm suspended.Copy !req
1064. Go back to the Hill and show them
that you can and will fight this bill.Copy !req
1065. You guys, I'm sorry. I can't do that.
I have to get back to the ark.Copy !req
1066. The ark? All right. Okay.Copy !req
1067. God told you to build an ark?
Yes.Copy !req
1068. But did he tell you to make your friends
believe in you and follow you hereCopy !req
1069. so you can make us look stupid?
'Cause I go to church every Sunday.Copy !req
1070. Okay, every other Sunday.Copy !req
1071. I've been to church!
And that does not soundCopy !req
1072. Rita, I know that this
doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
1073. I just want you to trust me.
You just have to have faith.Copy !req
1074. Evan, faith will not fight this bill.
The CINPLAN vote is today!Copy !req
1075. If we're going to stop this thing,
you need to get down to Capitol Hill now!Copy !req
1076. Otherwise, it's impossible!Copy !req
1077. Dad, Dad, I think it's done.Copy !req
1078. What in the world?
I can't even get my cat toCopy !req
1079. It's September 22, and
we're all still here.Copy !req
1080. Awkward!Copy !req
1081. People! The flood is imminent!Copy !req
1082. Board the ark! Save yourselves!Copy !req
1083. Get down, you fool!Copy !req
1084. Listen to me!
The time has come!Copy !req
1085. No, Captain Ahab!
Your time has come!Copy !req
1086. Yeah, Baxter! The weather's 70 and sunny
with a chance of crazy!Copy !req
1087. Do you hear that?
The rains are upon us!Copy !req
1088. Dad, I don't think that's the rains.Copy !req
1089. Hey, Baxter! Kiss your ark goodbye!Copy !req
1090. Where is he?Copy !req
1091. On the boat, sir.Copy !req
1092. Give me a minute.
Lets see if I can convince "Noah"Copy !req
1093. that the world doesn't have to end today.Copy !req
1094. I gotta hand it to you,
this is quite the show.Copy !req
1095. According to my source,
the show hasn't even started yet.Copy !req
1096. Still expecting the big flood.Copy !req
1097. You know, voters don't respond
to the gloom and doom stuff.Copy !req
1098. They like a more positive message.Copy !req
1099. Like the one you're sending with your bill?Copy !req
1100. How much did you make off of all this land?Copy !req
1101. You are destroying
our national parks for profit.Copy !req
1102. You have a problem with somebody
taking a little profit?Copy !req
1103. It's called business, son.Copy !req
1104. So if I need to get a message out there,
or get a congressman electedCopy !req
1105. there are people who pay for it, and yes,
those people want this bill to happenCopy !req
1106. and, by God, it's gonna happen.
Now you look down there.Copy !req
1107. Those are the wolves, son.Copy !req
1108. I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Take down this boat.Copy !req
1109. I'm giving you one last chance. Repent.Copy !req
1110. Such a shame. You had possibilities.Copy !req
1111. But you want to stop progress
to save the Earth. Go for it.Copy !req
1112. Good luck getting a tree
to come to the polls.Copy !req
1113. Take it down.Copy !req
1114. This is a court order approving
the demolition of this boat!Copy !req
1115. Evacuate immediately!
You have three minutes!Copy !req
1116. Honey. We have to go.
They're going to destroy the boat.Copy !req
1117. No.Copy !req
1118. It can't end this way.Copy !req
1119. Is it too much to ask
for a little precipitation?Copy !req
1120. Honey, maybe God didn't mean
a literal flood.Copy !req
1121. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge
or emotion or awareness.Copy !req
1122. If that's true,Copy !req
1123. I am going to be so pissed.Copy !req
1124. Two minutes!Copy !req
1125. Get off the boat now
or you will be removed by force.Copy !req
1126. Evan, you did it. You built the ark.Copy !req
1127. That's all you were asked to do, right?Copy !req
1128. No.Copy !req
1129. There's something else.
Something's going to happen.Copy !req
1130. Yeah, what's gonna happen is
tear gas and a wrecking ball.Copy !req
1131. Evan, think of the kids.Copy !req
1132. One minute!Copy !req
1133. Dad, whatever you say, I'm with you.Copy !req
1134. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
1135. Me, too. But can we keep
some of the animals?Copy !req
1136. I like the alpaca. He spits.Copy !req
1137. You're right. We did it. We built the boat.Copy !req
1138. Yeah.Copy !req
1139. Let's go. Let's go, guys. Come on.Copy !req
1140. Well, I guess they don't want to go.Copy !req
1141. It's their instinct.Copy !req
1142. What do you mean, hon?Copy !req
1143. Some animals know when weather's coming.
When they feel it coming, they sit.Copy !req
1144. Joan!Copy !req
1145. Okay. Time's up! We're coming in!Copy !req
1146. Get that ball in position!
We're clearing them out!Copy !req
1147. Is that rain?
It's raining.Copy !req
1148. Lucky guess, Baxter. Lucky guess.Copy !req
1149. Looks like the drought's finally over.
Good news, eh, Congressman?Copy !req
1150. Yeah. Good news.Copy !req
1151. Everybody! Please! Get on the ark!Copy !req
1152. Go to the car!Copy !req
1153. Please! Everyone! On the ark!Copy !req
1154. Cover me up! Keep me dry!
Cover me up! Keep me dry!Copy !req
1155. Who's crazy now, huh?
Look at us all squishing!Copy !req
1156. It kind of stopped raining.Copy !req
1157. Is that it?Copy !req
1158. What did I tell you? It's fine. It's over.Copy !req
1159. Hey, Ahab! This is it?Copy !req
1160. Your God experiencing
a little water shortage?Copy !req
1161. It would appear Evan Baxter
was right about the rain,Copy !req
1162. with a slight miscalculation
as to the quantity.Copy !req
1163. Something's wrong.Copy !req
1164. Honey, the clouds are moving away.Copy !req
1165. No, no. No, this isn't right.Copy !req
1166. Evan, even if it kept raining,
it's not like it could cause a flood in a day.Copy !req
1167. But today is the day! It has to be.
This just doesn't make any sense!Copy !req
1168. Wait a second.Copy !req
1169. What is it?Copy !req
1170. Marty said that Long cut corners,
violated building codes.Copy !req
1171. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1172. The lake, Long Lake.Copy !req
1173. It's named after him.
It's the lake! It's the lake!Copy !req
1174. Oh, no.Copy !req
1175. Get on the ark!
Everyone, on the ark now!Copy !req
1176. I think we should get on the ark.Copy !req
1177. I agree. I think we should get on the ark also.Copy !req
1178. I'm cold. I'm wet. I'm going home.Copy !req
1179. Ladies first! Move!Copy !req
1180. Oh, my God. This is happening.
This is really happening.Copy !req
1181. Holy... Get everyone on the ark now!Copy !req
1182. Get on the ark now! Let's go!
Get on the ark! Let's go!Copy !req
1183. Go, go, go! Get on the ark!Copy !req
1184. Go, go, go! On the ark! Go, go, go!Copy !req
1185. All right, boys! Let's go! Let's go!Copy !req
1186. We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Stay here with the kids.Copy !req
1187. Come on, Rita!Copy !req
1188. Everyone, up the ramp! Onto the deck!
Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!Copy !req
1189. Dylan, get back inside! It's too dangerous.Copy !req
1190. No, Dad. I told you, I'm with you.Copy !req
1191. Careful, everyone.
In the ark! In the ark!Copy !req
1192. Watch your step!
Up the ramp, everybody!Copy !req
1193. Guys, help me with the door!Copy !req
1194. Get the door! Get the door!Copy !req
1195. Guys! Guys!Copy !req
1196. Everybody hang on!Copy !req
1197. You guys all right? You okay?Copy !req
1198. There's been a flood at Prestige CrestCopy !req
1199. and you're seeing live images
of New York Noah's arkCopy !req
1200. caught in the storm surge
and heading towards Memorial Bridge!Copy !req
1201. We're going to crash!Copy !req
1202. Turn this thing around!Copy !req
1203. We're not gonna make it!Copy !req
1204. Save us, Baxter!Copy !req
1205. I command thee halt! Stop! Whoa!Copy !req
1206. It's not working!Copy !req
1207. How about a little help here?Copy !req
1208. What do you mean there was water damage?
It rained for ten minutes.Copy !req
1209. That is not possible.Copy !req
1210. I love you guys.
All right.Copy !req
1211. Seriously.
Okay, I got it.Copy !req
1212. I love you.
Thank you.Copy !req
1213. All those in favor of the Public Land
Act, please signify by saying, "Aye."Copy !req
1214. Good God!Copy !req
1215. I think we can walk from here.Copy !req
1216. Hello, Congressman.
Mind if I park my boat here for a little while?Copy !req
1217. But how...Copy !req
1218. The dam, Congressman.Copy !req
1219. Your reservoir ruptured.
Prestige Crest, it's all gone.Copy !req
1220. No. They said that couldn't happen.Copy !req
1221. I never thought this...Copy !req
1222. You. You did this to me.
You set me up, you crazy son of a...Copy !req
1223. Wow. That is disgusting.Copy !req
1224. If that comes out your front,Copy !req
1225. I don't even want to know
what's coming out the back.Copy !req
1226. Don't look down, Congressman,
but the wolves are here,Copy !req
1227. although I wouldn't worry so much
about these wolves as those.Copy !req
1228. Gesundheit.Copy !req
1229. As you can see behind me,
New York Noah's prediction came true.Copy !req
1230. The vote of the Land Act Bill
has been suspended,Copy !req
1231. pending investigation of
Congressman Long for profiteering...Copy !req
1232. Of course now, the question is,
how will these animals be returnedCopy !req
1233. to their natural habitats?Copy !req
1234. Something tells me, if God got them here,
he can probably get them home.Copy !req
1235. The House will undoubtedly
reinstate Congressman BaxterCopy !req
1236. when it reconvenes in the morning.Copy !req
1237. Until then, there is a lot to be done
here on Capitol Hill.Copy !req
1238. How's Buster doing?Copy !req
1239. Come on, Buster.Copy !req
1240. - No, come on. Come on!
- Come on!Copy !req
1241. - These too heavy? It's all right?
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
1242. He can't keep up.Copy !req
1243. I know, sweetie!Copy !req
1244. All right. What do you say
we take a little break?Copy !req
1245. We've only been walking
for, like, five minutes, Dad.Copy !req
1246. Well, five on, five off.
Life is about balance, right?Copy !req
1247. How about some sandwiches?
Okay.Copy !req
1248. Who wants sandwiches?
Let's do it!Copy !req
1249. I get first dibs!Copy !req
1250. Everyone but Buster
is going to get a sandwich.Copy !req
1251. You do not get a sandwich!
You're a dog and you doCopy !req
1252. Buster is part of the family now.
You're just gonna have to get used to it.Copy !req
1253. Poor Buster!Copy !req
1254. Honey, come here.
Sweetheart, be careful. Come here.Copy !req
1255. Hey, hon, save me one, okay?
Okay.Copy !req
1256. I'll be right back.Copy !req
1257. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
1258. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1259. Just hanging out with some old friends.Copy !req
1260. You knew all along, didn't you?
You knew the dam was unstable.Copy !req
1261. If it hadn't been for the ark,
my family, the neighbors...Copy !req
1262. I fought you every step of the way.Copy !req
1263. Yes, but you did it.Copy !req
1264. So, you had nothing to do with the flood?
Like where the ark landed exactly?Copy !req
1265. I gave you a little shove at the end.
Sue me.Copy !req
1266. You did good, son.
You changed the world.Copy !req
1267. No, no, I didn't.Copy !req
1268. Well, let's see.Copy !req
1269. Spending time with your family,
making them very happy.Copy !req
1270. Gave that dog a home.Copy !req
1271. Right. So?Copy !req
1272. So?Copy !req
1273. How do we change the world?Copy !req
1274. One act of random kindness at a time.Copy !req
1275. One act of random kindness.Copy !req
1276. Wow.Copy !req
1277. It's time.Copy !req
1278. Do the dance.Copy !req
1279. Care to join me?Copy !req
1280. I now issue a new commandment,Copy !req
1281. "Thou shalt do the dance."Copy !req
1282. Stop it! This is stupid!Copy !req
1283. That's awful dancing! You better stop!Copy !req
1284. Ladies and gentlemen,
you don't have to go home.Copy !req
1285. You just have to go. We are wrapped.Copy !req
1286. We're wrapped.
We love you. Thank you.Copy !req