1. And that's the news.Copy !req
2. But before we sign off, we'd like to
congratulate our very own Evan Baxter,Copy !req
3. who has just been elected
Buffalo's representative to Congress.Copy !req
4. - And, now, we have a surprise for Evan.
- No, you don't.Copy !req
5. - We do.
- Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.Copy !req
6. Here's a look back at his run for office.Copy !req
7. - What are we gonna do?
Change the world!Copy !req
8. That's right!Copy !req
9. Baxter! Baxter! Baxter!Copy !req
10. Hi.Copy !req
11. Baxter! Baxter!Copy !req
12. That's right!Copy !req
13. I feel like that old Indian
in front of all the garbage.Copy !req
14. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter
for Eyewitness News. Good night.Copy !req
15. Huntsville, Virginia.
Prestige Crest, four miles.Copy !req
16. - What did we do before GPS?
- Nothing.Copy !req
17. Guys, Dad's very proud of his new car.Copy !req
18. Hey, I am proud of my new car.
Look, I'm a politician now.Copy !req
19. I'm in the public eye, and as you know,
when you are in the public eye,Copy !req
20. image is everything, isn't it?Copy !req
21. Here it is! Welcome to the good life.Copy !req
22. Hey, guys, why the long faces?
We're off on a new adventure!Copy !req
23. It's just we're going to miss our friends.Copy !req
24. You'll make new friends, better friends.Copy !req
25. Yeah, richer friends.Copy !req
26. Do not mouth off to me, sir.
I am the boss of you.Copy !req
27. And let me tell you something,
you guys are gonna love this place.Copy !req
28. And you know what? I think there's
something for our fishermen up there.Copy !req
29. Baxter family,
this is what's called a scenic vista.Copy !req
30. And I don't think the big man himself
could do a better job. Pretty cool, huh?Copy !req
31. Hey, Dad, an iguana can stay underwaterCopy !req
32. - for 28 minutes.
- What's that?Copy !req
33. - And a shrimp's heart is in its head.
- Really?Copy !req
34. Okay, someone's had enough Animal Planet
for one lifetime.Copy !req
35. Yeah, let's head out! Come on.
The best is yet to come!Copy !req
36. Gentlemen,
I have saved the best for last.Copy !req
37. Look over to the right.
That is your new home.Copy !req
38. That's our house?Copy !req
39. I don't remember it being this big
in the brochure.Copy !req
40. Was it this big in the brochure?Copy !req
41. Pretty amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
42. There they are!Copy !req
43. Is this curb appeal or what?Copy !req
44. Here we go!Copy !req
45. - Honey, I think you're blocking my photo.
- Sorry.Copy !req
46. All right, everybody! Say "escrow"!Copy !req
47. - Escrow!
- Escrow!Copy !req
48. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Go. Go. Go.Copy !req
49. Guys, easy.Copy !req
50. This is our house?Copy !req
51. Careful!Copy !req
52. Honey, be careful!
Watch it!Copy !req
53. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
54. - Mom, can we go upstairs?
Yep.Copy !req
55. - And I get my own room, right?
- Yep.Copy !req
56. Mr. Baxter, could you give us some
direction on these kitchen cabinets?Copy !req
57. Sure.Copy !req
58. Okay, it's between your maple
and your old-growth Brazilian cherry.Copy !req
59. That is nice! Which is best?Copy !req
60. Well, if you're not sensitive to that
"save the rainforest" stuff,Copy !req
61. you can't beat the Brazilian cherry.Copy !req
62. It's 200,300 years old.Copy !req
63. - Three hundred years.
- Three hundred.Copy !req
64. Wow. That is old.Copy !req
65. And now you are going to hold my dishes.Copy !req
66. - That's right. You going with the cherry?
- Cheery cherry!Copy !req
67. - Yeah. Definitely.
- He's going with the cherry!Copy !req
68. Dad, look!
- No, no, no!Copy !req
69. Ryan, do not touch him, please!Copy !req
70. Oh, no, no, no, no, get him away!Copy !req
71. No. He might have lice, fleas, maggots
or something.Copy !req
72. You do not play with stray dogs
because they are very...Copy !req
73. No, no! Get away, get away! Go!Copy !req
74. Okay. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
75. - He's thirsty.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
76. No, you don't! There we go.Copy !req
77. Well, Ryan, he's a stray.Copy !req
78. If we give him water,
he's just going to come back.Copy !req
79. Come on, Dad, why can't we keep him?
I mean, we've got a new house.Copy !req
80. Okay, Ryan, this is why we can't keep him.Copy !req
81. They are stinky. They are smelly.
They get hair all over the place.Copy !req
82. They get a little thing called the mange.Copy !req
83. In a nutshell, he is disgusting.
Case in point.Copy !req
84. Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes
day one of the Baxters' new and exciting life.Copy !req
85. I have to do the new house dance.Copy !req
86. Wow! That dance?Copy !req
87. - That's a good new house dance.
- Thank you.Copy !req
88. You know, those boys were having
so much fun tonight,Copy !req
89. I thought I would never get them to bed.Copy !req
90. And then Ryan did the cutest thing.
He asked if we could all pray together.Copy !req
91. Really? What did you pray about?Copy !req
92. He met a dog.
What do you think he prayed for?Copy !req
93. Just a walking petri dish, that dog.Copy !req
94. And Jordan was very precise.Copy !req
95. He prayed for good visibility, good weather
on the hiking trip tomorrow.Copy !req
96. The hiking trip? Oh, right. Yeah.
The hiking trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
97. You wanna know what I prayed for?Copy !req
98. Yeah. What did you pray for?Copy !req
99. I prayed we would become closer
as a family.Copy !req
100. Honey, you don't need to pray for that
to happen. I will make that happen.Copy !req
101. - What would you pray for?
- Me? I don't know. Praying just...Copy !req
102. Honey, you're the one who said
you wanted to change the world.Copy !req
103. It's a pretty big job.Copy !req
104. If it were me,
I would take all the help I could get.Copy !req
105. Former Buffalo News
anchor, Evan Baxter, takes office tomorrowCopy !req
106. to make good on a lofty campaign promise.Copy !req
107. - What are we going to do?
Change the world!Copy !req
108. Good luck, Congressman.
Many have tried, many have failed.Copy !req
109. - Hello!
- This is Regina Sparks reporting for...Copy !req
110. Hello, there. Hi.Copy !req
111. This is Evan Baxter.Copy !req
112. Just wanted to say thank you for everything.Copy !req
113. Thank you for the new car
and for the house.Copy !req
114. The house is great. I love it.Copy !req
115. I mean, I picked it out,
but you created matter and everything, so...Copy !req
116. I just wanted to say that I think Joan
makes a good point,Copy !req
117. and that I am now in a position
of great power,Copy !req
118. and I know that with great power
comes great responsibility.Copy !req
119. So, God,Copy !req
120. Please help me change the world.Copy !req
121. Okay. That's it. I'm hanging up now.Copy !req
122. God bless... Well, you. Okay.Copy !req
123. - What? That's weird.
- What?Copy !req
124. I set the alarm for 7:00.Copy !req
125. I am successful. I am powerful.
I am handsome.Copy !req
126. I am happy, successful, powerful,
handsome, happy.Copy !req
127. All right, everyone, wish me luck.
The Congressman has left the building.Copy !req
128. All right, Baxter brood, I will see you
later on this afternoon for the big hike. Yes?Copy !req
129. You psyched? Are you ready?
Yeah.Copy !req
130. - Bye. See you.
- Good luck, honey.Copy !req
131. - Bye, guys!
- See you later.Copy !req
132. Later, gator.Copy !req
133. Oh, gosh.Copy !req
134. Wow. Honey, did you order anything?Copy !req
135. "Alpha and Omega Hardware"?Copy !req
136. Never heard of them.
- Me either.Copy !req
137. What do we have?Copy !req
138. What is this stuff?Copy !req
139. Must have the wrong address.Copy !req
140. Yup. The wrong address.Copy !req
141. Congressman Baxter.
Good morning.Copy !req
142. Good morning.Copy !req
143. Good morning, Congressman Baxter.
- Hello.Copy !req
144. Good morning, Congressman Baxter.
- Good morning.Copy !req
145. Oh, this is so cool.Copy !req
146. Yeah. This'll work.Copy !req
147. There he is! The head honcho.
The big kahuna.Copy !req
148. Rita, I think I have to do the dance.Copy !req
149. Do the dance.Copy !req
150. That's enough of the dance.Copy !req
151. Oh, this is nice! This is really nice!Copy !req
152. This is too nice.
There's something crooked going on.Copy !req
153. Do you smell anthrax?Copy !req
154. - Congressman!
- Hey, Marty!Copy !req
155. - Nice sound to that.
- I like it.Copy !req
156. Here they are!Copy !req
157. All right.Copy !req
158. You remember Sarah, Allen, Michael.Copy !req
159. I don't think you know the new kid
Eugene Tennanbaum. I found him at G.W.Copy !req
160. Sort of a walking search engine. Watch this.Copy !req
161. - How many stars on the flag in 1818?
- 15.Copy !req
162. And Congressman Baxter's coffee habits?Copy !req
163. He likes a morning latte with a cruller,
a decaf espresso after lunch,Copy !req
164. served sans pastry of any kind.Copy !req
165. Very impressive.
A little freaky, but I like this kid.Copy !req
166. I love you.Copy !req
167. I mean, we should hang out socially.
I just got a ping-pong table.Copy !req
168. Not going to happen.Copy !req
169. Go find out where his license plates are.
Everybody else, back to your holes.Copy !req
170. He was actually right.
- I'm doing a background check on that kid.Copy !req
171. Ta-da! This, my friend, is a power office,
to remind you of the mission!Copy !req
172. "Change the world!"Copy !req
173. - Okay, Evan, who do you know?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
174. Oh, come on.
Yesterday we're in the basement.Copy !req
175. Today, look at this place.
It's like the Emerald City!Copy !req
176. "Enjoy your office.
Your neighbor, Congressman Long."Copy !req
177. Congressman Long did this?
Did you say "neighbor"?Copy !req
178. That's right. He lives in Prestige Crest,
right up the street.Copy !req
179. Evan, you got to tell me these things.
Think of the publicity angle on this!Copy !req
180. You and Congressman Long having
a barbecue.Copy !req
181. Congressman Long eating your hot dog.Copy !req
182. Hate to break up
your little weenie roast.Copy !req
183. Congressman Long's assistant
just dropped this off.Copy !req
184. The Congressman would like for youCopy !req
185. to junior cosponsor this bill
that he's introducing.Copy !req
186. Hold on. Congressman Long asked us to
junior cosponsor his bill? What's the bill?Copy !req
187. The Citizens' Integration
of Public Lands Act.Copy !req
188. Never heard of it. Gene, here, now.Copy !req
189. - Rita, why didn't you tell me about this?
- I just did.Copy !req
190. You need to tell me about it
before I need to know about it.Copy !req
191. - Marty, you are not the vice congressman.
- I am the legislative...Copy !req
192. Nobody voted for you. If Evan gets shot
in the head, you do not automatically...Copy !req
193. If Evan got shot in the head,
you're the first suspect.Copy !req
194. Play nice. Play nice.Copy !req
195. All right, Eugene, Congressman Long's bill.
What is it?Copy !req
196. HR71 24, better known as CINPLAN.Copy !req
197. The bill would open up fringe areas
of the national parks for development.Copy !req
198. Long's been sitting on it for ages...Copy !req
199. Got it. Pause. Come on, Evan, this is huge.Copy !req
200. You hitch your wagon to the right star,Copy !req
201. you could ride all the way down
to Pennsylvania Avenue.Copy !req
202. This is day one.Copy !req
203. You got your name on a major piece
of legislation!Copy !req
204. And another thing,
he wants you to read it today.Copy !req
205. Well, I can't do it today.Copy !req
206. - I promised my kids...
- Eugene.Copy !req
207. Well, sir, there's a time clock on the bill.Copy !req
208. If Congressman Long wants to pass it
this quarter,Copy !req
209. he's going to have to introduce it
to the committee immediately.Copy !req
210. I'm personally going with
whatever Congressman Baxter decides,Copy !req
211. because if I could be like one man,
it'd be him.Copy !req
212. Either him or Kareem.Copy !req
213. - Can I tase him?
- Gene! Heel!Copy !req
214. It'd probably be you.Copy !req
215. Come on, Evan, this is it!
This is why we came here!Copy !req
216. It's world-changing time!Copy !req
217. Hey, anybody home?Copy !req
218. - Hey, Dad. Come on. We're in here!
- Hey, guys.Copy !req
219. Dad, guess what? I got all your stuff
packed up so that we can...Copy !req
220. What's wrong?Copy !req
221. We're not going, are we?Copy !req
222. First things first.
I have been asked to junior cosponsor a bill.Copy !req
223. Yeah.Copy !req
224. See? I told you.
And you owe me five bucks.Copy !req
225. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.Copy !req
226. Hey. Hey, we said we would have
to make sacrifices, right?Copy !req
227. Yeah. Whatever.
New house, same old dad.Copy !req
228. Hey, I'm the one who has to read this thing!Copy !req
229. Hey. Did you hear?
Junior cosponsor of a bill.Copy !req
230. Okay, Ry, let's clean all this stuff up.
Dad's got work to do.Copy !req
231. No. It's 6:14.Copy !req
232. Of course. Voodoo clock speaks again.Copy !req
233. What the...Copy !req
234. Hey! Hey! Hey! No. Okay.Copy !req
235. Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! What's going on?Copy !req
236. I got a delivery for Evan Baxter!Copy !req
237. Yeah, that's not mine. I didn't order that!Copy !req
238. I just deliver, guy, huh?
You got a complaint, call the number!Copy !req
239. No! Hey! Listen! We are 416, not 614!Copy !req
240. You've got the wrong house!
You can't leave that there!Copy !req
241. Listen! Listen!Copy !req
242. That's going to leave a brown patch!Copy !req
243. I am a U.S. congressman!Copy !req
244. Dad, what are you doing? I'm watching this.Copy !req
245. Genesis 6:14.Copy !req
246. Gen 6:14.Copy !req
247. Joan! Do we have a Bible anywhere?Copy !req
248. Genesis 6:14.Copy !req
249. "Make thee an ark of gopherwood..."Copy !req
250. Gopherwood.Copy !req
251. "Go-four-wood." Get it?Copy !req
252. Well, it's not really gopherwood.
I just like the wordplay.Copy !req
253. No, it's pine and maple.Copy !req
254. It was clear-cut from this valley
to make room for all those houses.Copy !req
255. Excuse me. Do I know you?Copy !req
256. Not as well as I'd like.Copy !req
257. I see you got my housewarming gift.Copy !req
258. That was you? You sent those?Copy !req
259. What are they for? Hey! Hey.Copy !req
260. Genesis, chapter six, verse fourteen.Copy !req
261. I want you to build an ark.Copy !req
262. You want me to build an ark.Copy !req
263. Yes.Copy !req
264. So that's why the tools.
And you are responsible for the wood?Copy !req
265. All right. Well, let's just start over.Copy !req
266. Hello, I am Evan...Copy !req
267. Evan Baxter. Born June 15,1962.Copy !req
268. Eight pounds, 11 ounces.Copy !req
269. Mother's Carroll Ann Parker.
Father, Eugene Evan Baxter.Copy !req
270. You have internet access. Very impressive.
Do you also have cable?Copy !req
271. You're a clean freak. You care much
too much about your outward appearance.Copy !req
272. Your left nipple is a quarter inch higher
than your right nipple.Copy !req
273. And when you were a little boy,
you were afraid of Gumby.Copy !req
274. Who are you?Copy !req
275. I'm God.Copy !req
276. - You're God?
- Yes.Copy !req
277. And I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.Copy !req
278. Okay. You know what? This conversation
is a little thing I like to call over!Copy !req
279. But I got to get going,
because, frankly, I have an ark to build.Copy !req
280. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting you.
Take care. Oh, and...Copy !req
281. All right, see you later!Copy !req
282. Shake it off, Evan. It's over.
The nutcase is gone.Copy !req
283. I am successful, I'm powerful,
I'm handsome, I'm happy.Copy !req
284. Successful, powerful, handsome, happy.Copy !req
285. Get it out, son.
It's the beginning of wisdom.Copy !req
286. How did you get in here?
I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
287. Oh, no. No need! Look! Look.
There's one right there. Right there.Copy !req
288. Officer! Officer! Officer! Carjacker!
Carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!Copy !req
289. Careful pulling out.
Pedestrian in the crosswalk.Copy !req
290. Shake it off, shake it off!
Shake it off, shake it off!Copy !req
291. Good morning, chief!Copy !req
292. Good morning, Rita.Copy !req
293. You almost scared me to death!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
294. Nothing. Just sort of a weird ride in.Copy !req
295. - Weird how?
- It was just a weird ride in.Copy !req
296. Okay, well, thanks for clarifying.Copy !req
297. - Here's your mail and your schedule.
- Okay.Copy !req
298. And they finally fixed the phones.
My new extension is 614.Copy !req
299. - 614.
- Yeah. 614?Copy !req
300. Right.Copy !req
301. You want me to write that down?Copy !req
302. I'd rather you didn't.Copy !req
303. Good morning.Copy !req
304. Hey, Long came through with that seat
on the House Resource Committee.Copy !req
305. You stuck in your thumb
and pulled out a plum, my friend.Copy !req
306. Also, the new Congressional plates
just came in.Copy !req
307. Gene, plates, now.
And Alex at the Buffalo office had her baby.Copy !req
308. - Boy or girl?
- A little boy. And here he is.Copy !req
309. Just as cute as a button. Not bad
for such an ugly woman. Weighed in at...Copy !req
310. Six pounds, 14 ounces.Copy !req
311. - How'd you know that?
- Lucky guess.Copy !req
312. Hot, hot, hot! Hot off the press!
It's a joke. Here are your plates, sir.Copy !req
313. Those are rock-star plates, man.
You can park anywhere.Copy !req
314. You can't be sitting in a chair.Copy !req
315. You've got a committee meeting
in five minutes.Copy !req
316. Come on, BMIC, Big Man in Congress.Copy !req
317. Evan Baxter, the shark on the move.Copy !req
318. House Resources Committee
is now in order.Copy !req
319. The Chair recognizes the congresswoman
from TennesseeCopy !req
320. to lead the Pledge of Allegiance.Copy !req
321. - I pledge allegiance to the flag...
- I pledge allegiance to the flag...Copy !req
322. - ... of the United States of America...
- ... of the United States of America...Copy !req
323. - ... and to the Republic, for which it stands...
- ... and to the Republic, for which it stands...Copy !req
324. - ... one nation, under me...
- ... one nation, under God...Copy !req
325. - ... indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
- ... indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.Copy !req
326. How long do you want to do this, son?
I've got all eternity.Copy !req
327. Hey. You okay, young man?Copy !req
328. - What happened?
- You fainted.Copy !req
329. Dropped like a leaf
during the Pledge of Allegiance.Copy !req
330. Chuck Long,
Resources Committee Chairman.Copy !req
331. Oh. Oh. Congressman Long. Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry about...Copy !req
332. Forget it! Many a man's been humbled
by his first day in Congress.Copy !req
333. So, how'd you like that office?Copy !req
334. Oh, it was great. Yes. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
335. Not bad for a freshman dorm room, huh?Copy !req
336. So here's the skinny.Copy !req
337. I'm bringing you into my land use billCopy !req
338. because you strike me as the type of guy
who knows how to hit the ground running.Copy !req
339. Yes, sir. I read the bill, and it's great.
I just had a few questions.Copy !req
340. Hey, I wrote the thing
and I have a few questions.Copy !req
341. We'll get to the questions later.
So, you with us?Copy !req
342. - Yes, sir. I'm in.
- Wonderful!Copy !req
343. I'll need you to put that into
a letter of intent,Copy !req
344. as soon as you're feeling up to it,
of course. You get yourself better.Copy !req
345. Enjoy that office.Copy !req
346. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
347. He's exhausted from reading that bill.
I got woozy from just carrying it.Copy !req
348. Evan, sit down.Copy !req
349. Evan, what happened to you?Copy !req
350. You can't faint during the Pledge
of Allegiance. It's un-American.Copy !req
351. Oh, good. The doctor's here.Copy !req
352. Say "ah."Copy !req
353. Just go home, get some rest
and start on that ark. You hear me?Copy !req
354. Evan?Copy !req
355. Okay. "God warned Noah that
a great flood was coming.Copy !req
356. "Noah built the ark
with his wife and three sons."Copy !req
357. I want strawberries!
I want strawberries!Copy !req
358. Why don't you have some strawberries?Copy !req
359. "The ark was 300 cubits long
and 50 cubits high."Copy !req
360. Oh, this is insane!Copy !req
361. What's insane?Copy !req
362. Congressman Long's bill?Copy !req
363. Yeah. The bill. That's what I was looking at.
Oh, man, there's a lot of research to do.Copy !req
364. You know, baby, you have every right
to be freaked out.Copy !req
365. Freaked out. I'm not freaked out.
Why would I be freaked out?Copy !req
366. I'm freaking out.
This house alone is a huge adjustmentCopy !req
367. and you've got a new job,
and new land act bill you're working on.Copy !req
368. We're in a new town.
I mean, that's a lot of new.Copy !req
369. So, you think I'm just stressed?Copy !req
370. Evan, honey, I've known you 20 years.
I know you're stressed.Copy !req
371. Oh, my gosh! Dylan! Stop it!Copy !req
372. - Well, that's the sugar kicking in.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
373. Thank you, hon.Copy !req
374. - Eat your ice cream.
- I will. Thanks.Copy !req
375. She's right. This is crazy.
I'm just stressed and you are gone.Copy !req
376. Good morning, troops!Copy !req
377. - Good morning.
- Good morning. How are you?Copy !req
378. Wow.Copy !req
379. - Somebody's in a good mood.
- I am.Copy !req
380. I thought about what you said
and you are right.Copy !req
381. I need to get my head on straight.Copy !req
382. Guess what? This weekend,
we are going on that hiking trip.Copy !req
383. Yeah.Copy !req
384. - Right here! High five me!
Righteous!Copy !req
385. Righteous. We are going to have
a righteous hiking trip!Copy !req
386. Hey, Dad, look, two doves.
That's supposed to be good luck.Copy !req
387. Well, today must be my lucky day.Copy !req
388. - Bye, guys! Bye.
Bye.Copy !req
389. Good morning, kitties, keep moving.
It's not your house.Copy !req
390. Hey, when you're on my lawn,
keep it in your butt!Copy !req
391. Hey, thanks for sharing.Copy !req
392. You're right on time.Copy !req
393. Long just called. He's on his way with the
powers that be. Who are they, Gene? Talk.Copy !req
394. Congressman Jim Dodd,
head of Ways and Means.Copy !req
395. But don't worry, sir,
he's definitely not "way mean."Copy !req
396. That's speculation.
I don't know him personally...Copy !req
397. That's too much, Gene. Who else?Copy !req
398. Congressman Richard Stamp,
head of Commerce,Copy !req
399. and Bob Hughes is Transportation.Copy !req
400. I have a draft of your support letter.Copy !req
401. - Sounds like a plan.
- Are you all right?Copy !req
402. - I'm good.
- You sure you're good? Okay.Copy !req
403. - Good morning, chief.
- Good morning, Rita.Copy !req
404. - Are you okay?
- I'm fine.Copy !req
405. - You don't look so good.
- That's what I said.Copy !req
406. You're all jumpy. Are you on that Fen-Phen?Copy !req
407. Guys, I'm fine. I'll be inside.Copy !req
408. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
409. No. Okay. No, no. No. No, no. No.Copy !req
410. No, no, no. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
411. Guys! No, no! Get out! Get out! Oh, my hair!Copy !req
412. Gentlemen, welcome.
What an honor to have you here.Copy !req
413. I'm Marty Stringer.
I'm Congressman Baxter's chief of staff.Copy !req
414. This is Rita Daniels, his executive assistant.Copy !req
415. Are you ready, sir?Copy !req
416. Just a minute. No, no, no, no.
Dirty, dirty, dirty! Big one!Copy !req
417. Baxter's only a freshman, sir, but I think
you'll find he is locked and loaded.Copy !req
418. Good. Maybe this young stud can help me
get these old mares on board.Copy !req
419. Oh, you'll be impressed.Copy !req
420. Gentlemen, good to see you.Copy !req
421. Do you want to explain yourself,
Congressman? What is going on?Copy !req
422. Oh, theseCopy !req
423. Are birds.Copy !req
424. What are they doing here?
How did they get in here?Copy !req
425. Well, that is an excellent question.Copy !req
426. And my response to said question is,Copy !req
427. they are trainedCopy !req
428. aviaries, sir.Copy !req
429. Let me make you see
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
430. I can make any sort of movement,
and they will not get off!Copy !req
431. Do you have a point, Congressman?Copy !req
432. Hey, guys, what's the point?Copy !req
433. What's my point?Copy !req
434. I'll tell you.Copy !req
435. The point isCopy !req
436. that manCopy !req
437. needs to dominate creaturesCopy !req
438. and, ultimately, man mustCopy !req
439. dictate what happens in this country.Copy !req
440. God bless America.Copy !req
441. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
442. - You have got to be kidding me.
No, of course not.Copy !req
443. We lost a huge project last year
because of the red-headed woodpecker.Copy !req
444. Those environmentalists got so up in armsCopy !req
445. over the potential disappearance
of one stupid bird...Copy !req
446. Yeah, birds are stupid sometimes.Copy !req
447. we lost over $25 million in business.Copy !req
448. I see where you're going with this,
Congressman. Good work!Copy !req
449. Your little display has obviously hit a chord.
Gentlemen.Copy !req
450. From now on, let's keep the surprises
to a maximum of, say, none. Understood?Copy !req
451. Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.Copy !req
452. Evan, that was brilliant. Risky, but brilliant.Copy !req
453. What the...Copy !req
454. I'll tell you one thing, these birds had
a nice big meal before they flew in here.Copy !req
455. You want me to get my BB gun?Copy !req
456. You know what I want you to do?
I want you to open the door.Copy !req
457. - Open the door?
- Just open the door!Copy !req
458. Close the door after I leave! Just do it!Copy !req
459. Okay.Copy !req
460. One, two, three!Copy !req
461. Man, if I get the bird flu,
he is paying for my medical bills!Copy !req
462. Sheep!Copy !req
463. Oh, no.Copy !req
464. Oh, gosh.Copy !req
465. Go, go, go! Get out!Copy !req
466. Okay. No.Copy !req
467. No. No.Copy !req
468. I'm not doing this. It's insane!Copy !req
469. No!Copy !req
470. Enough already!Copy !req
471. See, if you had an ark,
you'd have a place to put them all.Copy !req
472. Why are you doing this? Why me?Copy !req
473. It's not time yet. Go on. Go on.Copy !req
474. Yeah, go on.Copy !req
475. So how about it?
Feel like living on the edge?Copy !req
476. Beautiful, isn't it?
I remember creating this valley.Copy !req
477. Notice how the mountains line up east
to west.Copy !req
478. That's so there'd be lots of sunshine.Copy !req
479. Where are we?Copy !req
480. Don't recognize it, eh?Copy !req
481. No.Copy !req
482. This is where you live, son.
This is Prestige Crest.Copy !req
483. I wanted you to see the original design.Copy !req
484. So, you're really him, aren't you?Copy !req
485. You want more proof? I haven't done
the pillar of salt thing in a while.Copy !req
486. That's all right. I believe you. I just...
I don't understand why you chose me.Copy !req
487. You want to change the world, son.Copy !req
488. So do I.Copy !req
489. What? Well, why an ark?
I mean, that's like flood territory.Copy !req
490. You wouldn't do that again.
You wouldn't do that. Would you do that?Copy !req
491. Let's just say that whatever I do,Copy !req
492. I do because I love you.Copy !req
493. Well, then you have to understand
that this whole building-an-ark thingCopy !req
494. is really not part of my plans here.Copy !req
495. I need to settle into my house.
I need to make a good impression at work.Copy !req
496. What?Copy !req
497. Your plans. That's just...Copy !req
498. What are you talking...Copy !req
499. We're talking about an ark, right?
I mean, an ark?Copy !req
500. An ark is huge!
I don't even know where I would begin!Copy !req
501. Well, I hear that a lot.Copy !req
502. People want to change the world,
don't know how to begin.Copy !req
503. You want to know
how to change the world, son?Copy !req
504. One act of random kindness at a time.Copy !req
505. Build the ark.Copy !req
506. I'll tell you what. You build it, I'll fill it.Copy !req
507. And if anybody asks, tell them
a flood's coming.Copy !req
508. Oh, and you might need this.Copy !req
509. Well, okay. Okay, so what do I do?
I grab the wood and...Copy !req
510. Well, okay.Copy !req
511. You know, that's just cruel.Copy !req
512. Do you see him?Copy !req
513. I don't see him.Copy !req
514. "Building an Ark the Old-Fashioned Way."Copy !req
515. "God is the creator of the Heavens
and the Earth.Copy !req
516. "He lives in all things and has over
six billion seven hundred million children."Copy !req
517. Honey? You okay?
You need something?Copy !req
518. No, nothing. Just dropped something.Copy !req
519. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
520. Yeah.Copy !req
521. There we go. Okay.Copy !req
522. Come on. I mean, a beard?
A beard's so dirty.Copy !req
523. Gross!Copy !req
524. packing, so it would
really help me out if you would...Copy !req
525. - Good morning.
- Hey, hey, hey, good morning.Copy !req
526. Wow.Copy !req
527. What's with the scruffle, mountain man?Copy !req
528. Oh, well, you know, I figured it was
a weekend, and I thought...Copy !req
529. What?Copy !req
530. Honey, did I miss something?
How long have you been growing that?Copy !req
531. I'll get the door!Copy !req
532. - Congratulations!
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
533. The lots. You bought the lots next door!Copy !req
534. Hello!Copy !req
535. And pulling the down payment out of
your home equity? Very gutsy move.Copy !req
536. I didn't do that, did I?Copy !req
537. You sure did. So what's your plan?
What are you gonna do?Copy !req
538. Turn them for a quick profit?
Build them out on spec?Copy !req
539. Who wants champagne? Hip, hip hooray!Copy !req
540. You bought eight lots?Copy !req
541. Yup. I was going to surprise you.Copy !req
542. "Surprise, surprise, surprise." Gomer Pyle.Copy !req
543. What are you doing? We can't afford that.Copy !req
544. Hey, Mom.
John Lennon, good to see you again.Copy !req
545. Good to see you.Copy !req
546. And eight lots?
What are you going to do with eight lots?Copy !req
547. I don't know. Maybe I'll build a boat.Copy !req
548. Did you say "build a boat"?Copy !req
549. It might be something fun for the family.Copy !req
550. We could take the boat,
go sailing on the lake.Copy !req
551. It'd be great in case it floods or something.Copy !req
552. What is going on with you?Copy !req
553. You bought all those lots
and you're talking about building a boat.Copy !req
554. - Yeah.
- And you grow this crazy beard!Copy !req
555. Is this, like, a midlife crisis?Copy !req
556. It's not that bad!Copy !req
557. - It's not?
- No.Copy !req
558. Why do you think they call it a crisis?Copy !req
559. Hey, keep it down, you guys! Okay?Copy !req
560. Oh, my God.Copy !req
561. - Honey?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
562. Honey?Copy !req
563. I know this sounds crazy.Copy !req
564. I really think I need to do this.Copy !req
565. Okay.Copy !req
566. Build your boat.Copy !req
567. Just don't take too long, okay?Copy !req
568. Because we didn't leave our lives in Buffalo
so you could sail the S.S. Depression.Copy !req
569. Here we go.Copy !req
570. Gentlemen, I'm sure you're all wondering
why I've assembled you here today.Copy !req
571. An Argentine lake duck has a penis
as long as its body.Copy !req
572. Wow, that's huge. He must be proud.Copy !req
573. So, I have come up with a little
construction project for us this weekend.Copy !req
574. - The whole weekend?
- The whole weekend. Yes!Copy !req
575. And maybe a couple weekends after that.Copy !req
576. I can do this. Help!Copy !req
577. How do I stand up with a piece of wood?
Here we go.Copy !req
578. Oh, man. Okay, that's good.Copy !req
579. Mother! Father! Sister! Brother! Wow!Copy !req
580. Keep it straight.Copy !req
581. Hey, Dad, he's back!Copy !req
582. Ryan, no, don't do...Copy !req
583. Leverage it up! Leverage. Okay.Copy !req
584. Just put some leverage.
You got to put some body weight.Copy !req
585. Ready? One, two, three. Come on.Copy !req
586. Oh, I'm an idiot.Copy !req
587. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Congressman.
Why do you have raw beef hands?"Copy !req
588. "Well, I'm building an ark."Copy !req
589. I got a boo-boo! I got a boo-boo!
I got a boo-boo!Copy !req
590. You ever hear of Home Depot?
Here we go! Here we go! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
591. All right. So our little Marlboro Man moment
didn't work out so well.Copy !req
592. It's a disaster. I don't know
how to build something like this.Copy !req
593. That's easy. Just don't.Copy !req
594. Wow.Copy !req
595. Hello.Copy !req
596. Yes, Marty.
Your fearless leader is right here.Copy !req
597. Hey, Marty, what's up?Copy !req
598. Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you.Copy !req
599. I might need security. Thank you.Copy !req
600. - Can I help you?
- Rita, it's me.Copy !req
601. Why do you sound like Evan Baxter,
but look like a Bee Gee?Copy !req
602. Okay. All right.Copy !req
603. Okay, that's great. It's longer.Copy !req
604. Oh, my God. It is you.Copy !req
605. Evan, what happened?Copy !req
606. - Did you fall in a mine shaft?
- No.Copy !req
607. - Did you just come out of a coma?
- No.Copy !req
608. Were you attacked by a werewolf?Copy !req
609. No, I wasn't.Copy !req
610. Well, if you were going for that rugged look,
you overshot it.Copy !req
611. You look like a bum in a suit.Copy !req
612. You need Supercuts and a shave.Copy !req
613. Right! Yeah. But I can't. It doesn't work.Copy !req
614. - What do you mean, it doesn't work?
- It doesn't work!Copy !req
615. What? Are you shooting up Rogaine?Copy !req
616. Rita, if Evan shows up... I'm sorry, sir.
I'll be with you in just one...Copy !req
617. - Evan?
- Take it in. Take it in.Copy !req
618. Okay, yeah, to answer any questions
you may have,Copy !req
619. I am going through adult puberty!Copy !req
620. This is all temporary.
Why did you bring me down here?Copy !req
621. - What was so important?
- What is so important?Copy !req
622. I've got a letter of intent here
about Congressman Long's bill.Copy !req
623. You remember that, don't you?Copy !req
624. Well, you haven't been here and now
he wants you to sign this in person, Evan!Copy !req
625. No, I can't do that. Nope, nope, nope.
Not gonna happen.Copy !req
626. No. You can't do that.
Not looking like that. You have to go shave!Copy !req
627. I can't shave, Marty.
When I shave, it grows back out.Copy !req
628. That happens when you shave!
But then you shave again!Copy !req
629. You have no idea.Copy !req
630. Evan, what is going on?Copy !req
631. I'm...Copy !req
632. Building something.Copy !req
633. You're building something?Copy !req
634. Well, I hope it's a barber shop.Copy !req
635. Guys, I can't let Long see me
this way, okay?Copy !req
636. You're gonna have to tell him I'm sick.
Just cover for me. Just help me out!Copy !req
637. Come on, Evan, be reasonable.
You got to get rid of that beard.Copy !req
638. I need your face back. I need you back.Copy !req
639. Can you at least tell me
what you're building?Copy !req
640. - I'm building a boat.
- You're building a boat?Copy !req
641. Look, you got to cover for me.
I don't want anybody to see...Copy !req
642. Congressman! There you are!Copy !req
643. Congressman Long, I, I, I, I...Copy !req
644. Stop stammering, son.
We all play hooky from time to time.Copy !req
645. I'm not gonna turn you in to the principal.
Mostly because I am the principal.Copy !req
646. Very good.Copy !req
647. What's with the veil?
Did you get your new set of braces?Copy !req
648. No, no. No. That's hilarious, though.Copy !req
649. Would you drop that thing, son?
I can't understand a word you're saying.Copy !req
650. It's a wife thing, sir.Copy !req
651. Just trying to spice up the love life.Copy !req
652. She's a big Loggins and Messina fan.Copy !req
653. Keeping it fresh. Keeping it real.Copy !req
654. Would you excuse us for a moment?Copy !req
655. The Congressman and I are going
to have a little chat.Copy !req
656. Come on.Copy !req
657. Nice, isn't it? Politics is dog-eat-dog,Copy !req
658. but if you survive, they give you
a bigger den. Have a seat.Copy !req
659. So, tell me, Congressman,
are you freaking out on me or what?Copy !req
660. No, sir.Copy !req
661. Oh, come on, son. I hand you
your first cosponsorship of a bill,Copy !req
662. and when you finally show up
you look like the fifth Beatle.Copy !req
663. Now, you expect me to believe
everything is hunky dory?Copy !req
664. Well, sir, actually, things have been
a little more dory.Copy !req
665. Of course they are. I get it.
You know anything about animals, son?Copy !req
666. The Argentine lake duck has a penis
as long as its body.Copy !req
667. Although you probably already know that.
Or have heard it. Not experienced it.Copy !req
668. - You ever heard of the Arctic white wolf?
- No, sir.Copy !req
669. Top of the food chain.Copy !req
670. It's fast, it's smart, can fend for itself,
but it chooses not to.Copy !req
671. It chooses to run with a pack.Copy !req
672. - And do you know why?
- No.Copy !req
673. The Arctic white wolf,
Congressman, realizesCopy !req
674. that it is stronger as part of a group.Copy !req
675. Do you know what happens when one of
these wolves decides to fend for itself?Copy !req
676. The pack kills the loner
for the greater good of the community.Copy !req
677. Ouch, that hurts.Copy !req
678. Are you familiar with Jim Jenkins,
the junior congressman from Tennessee?Copy !req
679. When I met Congressman Jenkins,
he was fresh off the turnip truck,Copy !req
680. but now he's sitting on his own committee.Copy !req
681. Congressman Jenkins, Congressman
Whitehall, Congressman Freeman,Copy !req
682. they all have committee chairs
because they all run with the pack.Copy !req
683. Now, you have to come to a decision.Copy !req
684. Are you gonna run with the pack
or are you gonna lone wolf it?Copy !req
685. I am a pack man, sir.Copy !req
686. Good. I'm introducing the CINPLAN bill
in 2 weeks. C-SPAN is covering it live.Copy !req
687. I want your full support and nothing else.Copy !req
688. Yes, sir.Copy !req
689. Those fish are on you like bait on a hook.Copy !req
690. Birds follow you.Copy !req
691. Fish follow you.Copy !req
692. Let's see if we can get some congressmen
to follow you.Copy !req
693. Let's get this bill passed,
shall we, Congressman?Copy !req
694. Yes, sir.Copy !req
695. Hey, fleabag, out of the way.Copy !req
696. Hey, Dad, I think there are more animals
than yesterday.Copy !req
697. Well, let's not keep our audience waiting,
shall we?Copy !req
698. Up, up. Push it up. Push it.
We got it. We got it. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
699. Come on. Just let it go, just let it go.Copy !req
700. Dad, we can do this,
but we're gonna need some help.Copy !req
701. I know. We just need something
to lift those beams.Copy !req
702. Like that?Copy !req
703. Holy moly!Copy !req
704. This is so totally awesome!Copy !req
705. This is perfect.Copy !req
706. Dad, there's a note.Copy !req
707. Let me see that.Copy !req
708. How does it work?Copy !req
709. Dad, this is really weird.Copy !req
710. Repeat after me, "We are hamsters!"Copy !req
711. - We are hamsters!
- We are hamsters!Copy !req
712. Leg power!Copy !req
713. - Leg power!
- Leg power!Copy !req
714. And it's in!Copy !req
715. That's it.Copy !req
716. Hey, who has opposable thumbs? Anybody?Copy !req
717. You want to try this one?
Make sure it's straight.Copy !req
718. This is awesome!
This is so cool.Copy !req
719. Here we go.
Oh, my God!Copy !req
720. Yeah. Gotta do the dance.
Come on, let's do the dance.Copy !req
721. - We're doing the dance.
Dylan, come on. Do the dance.Copy !req
722. Come on, do the dance.
I'm not doing the dance.Copy !req
723. - Don't scratch!
- Stop it. Come here.Copy !req
724. Insult to injury! My!Copy !req
725. - Good boy.
- Okay, guys. A little bit more.Copy !req
726. Here we go. I got it. Keep it... That's it!Copy !req
727. Beautiful!Copy !req
728. You guys all right?
Yup.Copy !req
729. "G."Copy !req
730. Well, I hope this isn't our last supper.Copy !req
731. There's no sign
of our heat wave breaking,Copy !req
732. so this dry, hot weather will continue.Copy !req
733. Until September 22, midday.Copy !req
734. If the ark isn't finished by then, you will be.Copy !req
735. Is that when it's going to happen?
September 22, midday?Copy !req
736. High temperatures
tomorrow back into the 90s everywhere,Copy !req
737. right on through TuesdayCopy !req
738. and the next seven days,
no showers, no storms.Copy !req
739. That would be a good day to have chicken.
How about Mom's chicken?Copy !req
740. Hon, could we have some more chicken
September 22, midday?Copy !req
741. Boys, will you excuse us, please?
Your father and I need to have a little talk.Copy !req
742. Busted.Copy !req
743. Dad, you're busted.
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
744. - What are you doing?
- Do we have anything unleavened?Copy !req
745. Yeah, we do, it's in the back,
next to the frankincense and myrrh.Copy !req
746. We have a fancy name for it in this century,
it's called pita.Copy !req
747. - Got it.
- Evan, what is happening to you?Copy !req
748. Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you.Copy !req
749. The hair. Are you on something?
Is it a mega-growth hormone? What?Copy !req
750. Evan, talk to me.Copy !req
751. I'm building an ark.Copy !req
752. What does that mean?Copy !req
753. God appeared to me
and told me to build an ark.Copy !req
754. He said there was going to be a flood
and that I should be prepared.Copy !req
755. Whenever I shave,
my beard grows right back out.Copy !req
756. My hair grows longer every day.
This robe... God sent me the robe.Copy !req
757. He thought it would be funny.Copy !req
758. I actually think it's really comfortable.
That's why I'm wearing it.Copy !req
759. The beard, the robe.Copy !req
760. You're Noah?Copy !req
761. Yeah, kind of.Copy !req
762. - Mom!
- Not now, Noah!Copy !req
763. - Dylan.
- Okay.Copy !req
764. We left everything behind to come here.Copy !req
765. Maybe that's put too much pressure on you.
I don't know.Copy !req
766. But this has got to stop. Please.
You're scaring me.Copy !req
767. The boys need their father back,
and I need my husband back.Copy !req
768. Yes. Successful. Powerful.
Handsome. Happy.Copy !req
769. Successful. Powerful. Handsome. Happy.Copy !req
770. Good morning!Copy !req
771. Cold today, huh?Copy !req
772. "Back to work"?Copy !req
773. Okay. All right. You want me
to wear the robe? I'll wear the robe.Copy !req
774. Two can play this game.Copy !req
775. Pièce de résistance.Copy !req
776. The student has become the teacher.Copy !req
777. This meeting will come to order.Copy !req
778. Rita, any sign of him?Copy !req
779. Marty, I told you,
I will let you know as soon as...Copy !req
780. You know what? You got me. He's here.
We're in the middle of a yoga class.Copy !req
781. Rita, this is no time for jokes.
I'm not kidding.Copy !req
782. If he's not in that meeting,
we're all out of a job.Copy !req
783. Wait a minute.
Let me finish my sun salutation.Copy !req
784. - Marty! Sorry I'm late. Come on, let's go.
- What is that?Copy !req
785. Making lemonade out of lemons.
Pick up your phone! Come on!Copy !req
786. At its heart,
this bill gives private citizens accessCopy !req
787. to lands they technically already own.Copy !req
788. Will the Chairman yield?Copy !req
789. - Oh, look, there he is.
- Yup, yup, I see him.Copy !req
790. Access is just a word you're using
to hide what's really going on here.Copy !req
791. This is about development,
short and simple.Copy !req
792. Evan, what are you doing?
You have a pony tail on your face!Copy !req
793. What you gonna do next?
Cornrow your eyebrows?Copy !req
794. Development means
the advancement of jobs,Copy !req
795. an increase in domestic commerce.
If you happen to like those things,Copy !req
796. I invite you to join myself and
my cosponsors, Congressman Dodd,Copy !req
797. Congressman HughesCopy !req
798. and Congressman Baxter.Copy !req
799. Did you just do a wardrobe change?Copy !req
800. What do you think this is, the Oscars?
You are not Whoopi.Copy !req
801. Ladies and gentlemen! Please!Copy !req
802. Please! Congressman Baxter has a tendency
to embrace the theatricalCopy !req
803. in his support of this bill.
Congressman, let me warn you,Copy !req
804. you are approximately 10 seconds away
from committee censure.Copy !req
805. Oh, no. Hey, would anyone mind
if I close the window?Copy !req
806. Ladies and gentlemen! Please!
These animals are trained!Copy !req
807. I've seen this circus act before!Copy !req
808. Congressman, I'm sure St. Francis
would be envious.Copy !req
809. We, however, are not.
You have five seconds.Copy !req
810. You march yourself and your
little animal troupe out of here nowCopy !req
811. or you will be forcibly removed.Copy !req
812. - I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.
- Congressman!Copy !req
813. - These animals are not trained.
- Congressman!Copy !req
814. - I think they want me to save them!
- Save them from what, Congressman?Copy !req
815. Saving the animals, okay.
I can roll with that. That's a good idea.Copy !req
816. The flood.Copy !req
817. A flood? Rolling out.Copy !req
818. The flood.Copy !req
819. This has been the hottest, driest summer
on recordCopy !req
820. and you say we're going to have a flood?Copy !req
821. - When might we expect this?
- September 22, midday.Copy !req
822. - That's what I was told.
- Might I ask who told you?Copy !req
823. Not in front of all those people.
Don't say it. Don't say it.Copy !req
824. God.Copy !req
825. - God? You talk to God?
- Yes.Copy !req
826. And God is talking back?
- Yeah. We hung out a little.Copy !req
827. Well, time to update the résumé.Copy !req
828. Congressman, your name is being removed
from this bill.Copy !req
829. Obviously, the stresses of this office
have proven too much for you.Copy !req
830. - Please have the congressman removed.
- No. Please! You don't understand!Copy !req
831. God commanded me to build an ark!Copy !req
832. It's going to rain!
There's going to be a flood!Copy !req
833. - Remove him now!
- We have to prepare ourselves!Copy !req
834. I need to finish the ark!Copy !req
835. Remove him now!Copy !req
836. Does this mean we're moving back home?Copy !req
837. Home, Canada. One or the other.Copy !req
838. Joan? I know you probably saw
what happened, but I can explain.Copy !req
839. Take the stuff to the car, guys.
I'll be there in a minute.Copy !req
840. Guys?Copy !req
841. I'm gonna take them to my mother's.
Evan, I think you need help.Copy !req
842. Joan, please. I'm not doing this.
It's not me. It's him.Copy !req
843. I went to that meeting in a suit,
and he took it off of me.Copy !req
844. Those animals are following me
because of him.Copy !req
845. God?
Does God know he's destroying our lives?Copy !req
846. Does God know
he's going to get you fired?Copy !req
847. Yeah! He's trying to get me fired!Copy !req
848. He is trying to get me fired!Copy !req
849. That way I'll have more time
to work on the ark!Copy !req
850. Because the rain
and the floods are coming.Copy !req
851. No, I heard you, Evan.
The whole world heard you.Copy !req
852. Joan, please, you gotta believe me.Copy !req
853. There it is! It's happening!
It's happening! It's raining!Copy !req
854. Goodbye, Evan.Copy !req
855. Joan!Copy !req
856. I know! I know. Whatever you do,
you do because you love me!Copy !req
857. Do me a favor. Love me less.Copy !req
858. Congressman!Copy !req
859. Are you concerned at all
about Congressman Baxter's tiradeCopy !req
860. and the adverse effects it may have
on your bill?Copy !req
861. The day it rains and floods and
Congressman Baxter takes a ride on his ark,Copy !req
862. that'll be the day I'll be concerned.
Thank you.Copy !req
863. His name is Evan Baxter,
but now he goes by "New York's Noah,"Copy !req
864. "Heaven's Evan,"
"The Weirdo with a Beardo."Copy !req
865. Okay, guys. Watch it. Watch it.
Coming through. Watch your back.Copy !req
866. Marty, will you comment on Congressman
Baxter's change of appearance?Copy !req
867. Yes, his hair is long.
Yes, his beard is unshaven.Copy !req
868. Are you equally stunned
by this man's appearance?Copy !req
869. The way things go around here,Copy !req
870. if he gets any crazier,
we may end up in the White House.Copy !req
871. Hey! No, no, no! That's my cup!Copy !req
872. Whatever.Copy !req
873. He's filling the boat
with two of every kind of animal.Copy !req
874. Still to be collected,
two giraffes, two elephantsCopy !req
875. and one more jackass.Copy !req
876. - What an idiot.
- He's a mook.Copy !req
877. Jerks.Copy !req
878. Don't worry about it, you guys.
Come on, eat up.Copy !req
879. - Not hungry.
- Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
880. You guys can't eat. I can't stop.Copy !req
881. - Can I go to the bathroom?
- Me, too?Copy !req
882. - Okay. Dylan, go with them. Please?
- Fine.Copy !req
883. - Excuse me. Can I get a refill, please?
- Coming right up.Copy !req
884. Thank you.Copy !req
885. - Excuse me. Are you all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
886. - No. It's a long story.
- Well, I like stories.Copy !req
887. I'm considered a bit of a storyteller myself.Copy !req
888. My husband...
Have you heard of "New York's Noah"?Copy !req
889. - The guy who's building the ark.
- That's him.Copy !req
890. I love that story, Noah and the Ark.Copy !req
891. You know, a lot of people miss the point
of that story.Copy !req
892. They think it's about God's wrath and anger.Copy !req
893. - They love it when God gets angry.
- What is the story about, then? The ark?Copy !req
894. Well, I think it's a love story
about believing in each other.Copy !req
895. You know, the animals showed up in pairs.
They stood by each other, side by side,Copy !req
896. just like Noah and his family.
Everybody entered the ark side by side.Copy !req
897. But my husband says God told him to do it.Copy !req
898. - What do you do with that?
- Sounds like an opportunity.Copy !req
899. Let me ask you something.Copy !req
900. If someone prays for patience,
you think God gives them patience?Copy !req
901. Or does he give them
the opportunity to be patient?Copy !req
902. If they pray for courage,
does God give them courage,Copy !req
903. or does he give them opportunities
to be courageous?Copy !req
904. If someone prayed
for their family to be closer,Copy !req
905. you think God zaps them
with warm, fuzzy feelings?Copy !req
906. Or does he give them opportunities
to love each other?Copy !req
907. Well, I got to run.
A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.Copy !req
908. Guess this comes as no surprise to
those who remember his campaign promise,Copy !req
909. "I will lower taxes,Copy !req
910. "go crazy and build a gigantic ark."Copy !req
911. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
912. Evan!
- Dad?Copy !req
913. - Honey!
- Dad?Copy !req
914. You guys, I'm up here.Copy !req
915. - Rough week?
You look really funny.Copy !req
916. - You look really old.
- Yeah, well, he is really old.Copy !req
917. - Why'd you come back?
- It was the kids.Copy !req
918. - Tell him, guys.
- We like you better as the crazy guy.Copy !req
919. You spend time with us
and you're home a lot more.Copy !req
920. Just, please don't make us do
the dance anymore.Copy !req
921. I don't know what's going on,
or what you're going through,Copy !req
922. but we got into this as a family
and we're gonna get out of it as a family,Copy !req
923. side by side.Copy !req
924. But, Evan, we have to talk about the ark.
It has to come down.Copy !req
925. - I can't do that.
- You don't have a choice.Copy !req
926. Congressman Long went to the city.
There's a laundry list of code violations.Copy !req
927. You have until September 22
to take it down,Copy !req
928. or they'll take it down and arrest you.Copy !req
929. - September 22. That's the day of the flood.
- Mom! Dad! Come here!Copy !req
930. Don't you dare take that ark down.Copy !req
931. How are we gonna do this?Copy !req
932. There's no way the five
of us can finish on time.Copy !req
933. We don't have money to hire anybody else.Copy !req
934. Is that a llama with a hammer?Copy !req
935. An alpaca. They rarely spit at people
unless frightened or abused.Copy !req
936. Let's finish this sucker.Copy !req
937. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
938. No one knows where they came fromCopy !req
939. or how the congressman is getting them
to do it,Copy !req
940. but, two by two, animals of all kinds
are working with Godspeed to build this ark.Copy !req
941. Thank you.Copy !req
942. If this flood really does happen,
"Evan help us."Copy !req
943. Hey! A little help?Copy !req
944. Thanks.Copy !req
945. Here it is, hon.Copy !req
946. Perfect. Thanks.Copy !req
947. Hold it right there.Copy !req
948. This is Ed Carson coming to you live
from New York Noah's construction site,Copy !req
949. where we are unable to leave the news van
due to hazardous conditions outside.Copy !req
950. - High five.
- High five.Copy !req
951. Good job.Copy !req
952. Hey, putty tat.Copy !req
953. Go, go, go! He tried to eat me!Copy !req
954. Dylan! Jordan! Check it out!
Your mom's building an ark!Copy !req
955. Let's do the dance.Copy !req
956. No, please, no.Copy !req
957. Well, where did
the animals come from, then?Copy !req
958. Please. It's a trick.
It's a circus is what it is.Copy !req
959. Wild animals running amok
in suburban Virginia.Copy !req
960. With all these species,
what's being done about the feces?Copy !req
961. Evan Baxter! You have gone from newsman
to congressman to caveman.Copy !req
962. What makes you so sure God chose you?Copy !req
963. He chose all of us.Copy !req
964. Time to wash up, you guys.Copy !req
965. Thanks.Copy !req
966. You want some?Copy !req
967. Why couldn't
the man just buy a Corvette?Copy !req
968. Well, well, well. There they are.
It is good to see you guys.Copy !req
969. It's good to see you! Your hair looks great.
It's very regal. Man, I love your hair!Copy !req
970. And you're still sucking up.Copy !req
971. - So, why are you here?
- Long locked us out.Copy !req
972. He can't do that.Copy !req
973. I mean, I've been suspended,
but I'm still a congressman.Copy !req
974. - Rita, tell him what you know.
- Tell me what?Copy !req
975. I smelled a rat
the second we got that office.Copy !req
976. You don't get an office like that
for nothing.Copy !req
977. - So I had the stalker here do some research.
- Okay, Eugene, talk.Copy !req
978. Prestige Crest used to be federal lands,Copy !req
979. but what's interesting is
how it got into private hands.Copy !req
980. Congressman Long got the approval
to build a damCopy !req
981. and then passed out the surrounding lands
to a group of private investors.Copy !req
982. Now, the locals fought this thing for years.Copy !req
983. They said Long and his developer buddies
were cutting corners,Copy !req
984. like skipping important building code
checkpoints.Copy !req
985. And with the land use bill, he's gonna do
the same thing with the national parks.Copy !req
986. So, you stand by and shake your pom-poms
while Long and his buddies get rich.Copy !req
987. What can we do? I'm suspended.Copy !req
988. Go back to the Hill and show them
that you can and will fight this bill.Copy !req
989. You guys, I'm sorry. I can't do that.
I have to get back to the ark.Copy !req
990. The ark? All right. Okay.Copy !req
991. - God told you to build an ark?
- Yes.Copy !req
992. But did he tell you to make your friends
believe in you and follow you hereCopy !req
993. so you can make us look stupid?
'Cause I go to church every Sunday.Copy !req
994. Okay, every other Sunday.Copy !req
995. I've been to church!
And that does not sound like God to me.Copy !req
996. Rita, I know
that this doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
997. I just want you to trust me.
You just have to have faith.Copy !req
998. Evan, faith will not fight this bill.
The CINPLAN vote is today!Copy !req
999. If we're going to stop this thing,
you need to get down to Capitol Hill now!Copy !req
1000. - Otherwise, it's impossible!
- Dad, Dad, I think it's done.Copy !req
1001. What in the world?
I can't even get my cat to use the litter box.Copy !req
1002. It's September 22, and we're all still here.Copy !req
1003. Awkward!Copy !req
1004. People! The flood is imminent!Copy !req
1005. - Board the ark! Save yourselves!
Get down, you fool!Copy !req
1006. Listen to me! The time has come!Copy !req
1007. No, Captain Ahab! Your time has come!Copy !req
1008. Yeah, Baxter! The weather's 70 and sunny
with a chance of crazy!Copy !req
1009. - Do you hear that? The rains are upon us!
- Dad, I don't think that's the rains.Copy !req
1010. Hey, Baxter! Kiss your ark goodbye!Copy !req
1011. - Where is he?
- On the boat, sir.Copy !req
1012. Give me a minute.
Lets see if I can convince "Noah"Copy !req
1013. that the world doesn't have to end today.Copy !req
1014. I gotta hand it to you,
this is quite the show.Copy !req
1015. According to my source,
the show hasn't even started yet.Copy !req
1016. Still expecting the big flood.Copy !req
1017. You know, voters don't respond
to the gloom and doom stuff.Copy !req
1018. - They like a more positive message.
- Like the one you're sending with your bill?Copy !req
1019. How much did you make off of all this land?Copy !req
1020. You are destroying
our national parks for profit.Copy !req
1021. You have a problem
with somebody taking a little profit?Copy !req
1022. It's called business, son.Copy !req
1023. So if I need to get a message out there,
or get a congressman electedCopy !req
1024. there are people who pay for it, and yes,
those people want this bill to happenCopy !req
1025. and, by God, it's gonna happen.
Now you look down there.Copy !req
1026. Those are the wolves, son.Copy !req
1027. I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Take down this boat.Copy !req
1028. I'm giving you one last chance. Repent.Copy !req
1029. Such a shame. You had possibilities.Copy !req
1030. But you want to stop progress
to save the Earth. Go for it.Copy !req
1031. Good luck getting a tree
to come to the polls.Copy !req
1032. Take it down.Copy !req
1033. This is a court order
approving the demolition of this boat!Copy !req
1034. Evacuate immediately!
You have three minutes!Copy !req
1035. Honey. We have to go.
They're going to destroy the boat.Copy !req
1036. No.Copy !req
1037. It can't end this way.Copy !req
1038. Is it too much to ask
for a little precipitation?Copy !req
1039. Honey, maybe God didn't mean
a literal flood.Copy !req
1040. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge
or emotion or awareness.Copy !req
1041. If that's true,Copy !req
1042. I am going to be so pissed.Copy !req
1043. Two minutes!Copy !req
1044. Get off the boat now
or you will be removed by force.Copy !req
1045. Evan, you did it. You built the ark.Copy !req
1046. - That's all you were asked to do, right?
- No.Copy !req
1047. There's something else.
Something's going to happen. I can feel it.Copy !req
1048. Yeah, what's gonna happen is
tear gas and a wrecking ball.Copy !req
1049. Evan, think of the kids.Copy !req
1050. One minute!Copy !req
1051. - Dad, whatever you say, I'm with you.
- Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
1052. Me, too.
But can we keep some of the animals?Copy !req
1053. I like the alpaca. He spits.Copy !req
1054. You're right. We did it. We built the boat.Copy !req
1055. Yeah.Copy !req
1056. Let's go. Let's go, guys. Come on.Copy !req
1057. Well, I guess they don't want to go.Copy !req
1058. - It's their instinct.
- What do you mean, hon?Copy !req
1059. Some animals know when weather's coming.
When they feel it coming, they sit.Copy !req
1060. Joan!Copy !req
1061. Okay. Time's up! We're coming in!Copy !req
1062. Get that ball in position!
We're clearing them out!Copy !req
1063. Is that rain? It's raining.Copy !req
1064. Lucky guess, Baxter. Lucky guess.Copy !req
1065. Looks like the drought's finally over.
Good news, eh, Congressman?Copy !req
1066. Yeah. Good news.Copy !req
1067. Everybody! Please! Get on the ark!Copy !req
1068. Go to the car!Copy !req
1069. Please! Everyone! On the ark!Copy !req
1070. Cover me up! Keep me dry!
Cover me up! Keep me dry!Copy !req
1071. Who's crazy now, huh?
Look at us all squishing!Copy !req
1072. - It kind of stopped raining.
- Is that it?Copy !req
1073. What did I tell you? It's fine. It's over.Copy !req
1074. Hey, Ahab! This is it?Copy !req
1075. Your God experiencing
a little water shortage?Copy !req
1076. It would appear Evan Baxter
was right about the rain,Copy !req
1077. with a slight miscalculation
as to the quantity.Copy !req
1078. - Something's wrong.
- Honey, the clouds are moving away.Copy !req
1079. No, no. No, this isn't right.Copy !req
1080. Evan, even if it kept raining,
it's not like it could cause a flood in a day.Copy !req
1081. But today is the day! It has to be.
This just doesn't make any sense!Copy !req
1082. - Wait a second.
- What is it?Copy !req
1083. Marty said that Long cut corners,
violated building codes.Copy !req
1084. - What are you talking about?
- The lake, Long Lake.Copy !req
1085. It's named after him.
It's the lake! It's the lake!Copy !req
1086. Oh, no.Copy !req
1087. Get on the ark! Everyone, on the ark now!Copy !req
1088. I think we should get on the ark.Copy !req
1089. I agree.
I think we should get on the ark also.Copy !req
1090. I'm cold. I'm wet. I'm going home.Copy !req
1091. Ladies first! Move!Copy !req
1092. Oh, my God. This is happening.
This is really happening.Copy !req
1093. Holy... Get everyone on the ark now!Copy !req
1094. Get on the ark now! Let's go!
Get on the ark! Let's go!Copy !req
1095. Go, go, go! Get on the ark!Copy !req
1096. Go, go, go! On the ark! Go, go, go!Copy !req
1097. All right, boys! Let's go! Let's go!Copy !req
1098. We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Stay here with the kids.Copy !req
1099. Come on, Rita!Copy !req
1100. Everyone, up the ramp! Onto the deck!
Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!Copy !req
1101. - Dylan, get back inside! It's too dangerous.
- No, Dad. I told you, I'm with you.Copy !req
1102. Careful, everyone.
In the ark! In the ark!Copy !req
1103. Watch your step! Up the ramp, everybody!Copy !req
1104. - Guys, help me with the door!
- Get the door! Get the door!Copy !req
1105. Guys! Guys!Copy !req
1106. Everybody hang on!Copy !req
1107. You guys all right? You okay?Copy !req
1108. There's been a flood at Prestige CrestCopy !req
1109. and you're seeing live images
of New York Noah's arkCopy !req
1110. caught in the storm surge
and heading towards Memorial Bridge!Copy !req
1111. We're going to crash!
Turn this thing around!Copy !req
1112. We're not gonna make it!
Save us, Baxter!Copy !req
1113. I command thee halt! Stop! Whoa!Copy !req
1114. It's not working!Copy !req
1115. How about a little help here?Copy !req
1116. What do you mean there was water damage?
It rained for ten minutes.Copy !req
1117. That is not possible.Copy !req
1118. - I love you guys.
- All right.Copy !req
1119. - Seriously.
- Okay, I got it.Copy !req
1120. - I love you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1121. All those in favor of the Public
Land Act, please signify by saying, "Aye."Copy !req
1122. Good God!Copy !req
1123. I think we can walk from here.Copy !req
1124. Hello, Congressman.
Mind if I park my boat here for a little while?Copy !req
1125. - But how...
- The dam, Congressman.Copy !req
1126. Your reservoir ruptured.
Prestige Crest, it's all gone.Copy !req
1127. No. They said that couldn't happen.Copy !req
1128. I never thought this...Copy !req
1129. You. You did this to me.
You set me up, you crazy son of a...Copy !req
1130. Wow. That is disgusting.Copy !req
1131. If that comes out your front,Copy !req
1132. I don't even want to know
what's coming out the back.Copy !req
1133. Don't look down, Congressman,
but the wolves are here,Copy !req
1134. although I wouldn't worry so much
about these wolves as those.Copy !req
1135. Gesundheit.Copy !req
1136. As you can see behind me,
New York Noah's prediction came true.Copy !req
1137. The vote of the Land Act Bill
has been suspended,Copy !req
1138. pending investigation of Congressman Long
for profiteering...Copy !req
1139. Of course now, the question is,
how will these animals be returnedCopy !req
1140. to their natural habitats?Copy !req
1141. Something tells me, if God got them here,
he can probably get them home.Copy !req
1142. The House will undoubtedly
reinstate Congressman BaxterCopy !req
1143. when it reconvenes in the morning.Copy !req
1144. Until then, there is a lot to be done here
on Capitol Hill.Copy !req
1145. How's Buster doing?
Come on, Buster.Copy !req
1146. No, come on. Come on!
Come on!Copy !req
1147. These too heavy? It's all right?
No, it's fine.Copy !req
1148. He can't keep up.
- I know, sweetie!Copy !req
1149. All right.
What do you say we take a little break?Copy !req
1150. We've only been walking
for, like, five minutes, Dad.Copy !req
1151. Well, five on, five off.
Life is about balance, right?Copy !req
1152. - How about some sandwiches?
- Okay.Copy !req
1153. - Who wants sandwiches? Let's do it!
I get first dibs!Copy !req
1154. Everyone but Buster
is going to get a sandwich.Copy !req
1155. You do not get a sandwich! You're a dog
and you do not get a sandwich!Copy !req
1156. Buster is part of the family now.
You're just gonna have to get used to it.Copy !req
1157. Poor Buster!Copy !req
1158. Honey, come here.
Sweetheart, be careful. Come here.Copy !req
1159. - Hey, hon, save me one, okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
1160. I'll be right back.Copy !req
1161. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1162. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1163. Just hanging out with some old friends.Copy !req
1164. You knew all along, didn't you?
You knew the dam was unstable.Copy !req
1165. If it hadn't been for the ark,
my family, the neighbors...Copy !req
1166. - I fought you every step of the way.
- Yes, but you did it.Copy !req
1167. So, you had nothing to do with the flood?
Like where the ark landed exactly?Copy !req
1168. I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.Copy !req
1169. You did good, son. You changed the world.Copy !req
1170. - No, no, I didn't.
- Well, let's see.Copy !req
1171. Spending time with your family,
making them very happy.Copy !req
1172. - Gave that dog a home.
- Right. So?Copy !req
1173. So?Copy !req
1174. How do we change the world?Copy !req
1175. One act of random kindness at a time.Copy !req
1176. One act of random kindness.Copy !req
1177. It's time.Copy !req
1178. Do the dance.Copy !req
1179. Care to join me?Copy !req
1180. I now issue a new commandment,
"Thou shalt do the dance."Copy !req
1181. Stop it! This is stupid!Copy !req
1182. That's awful dancing! You better stop!Copy !req
1183. Ladies and gentlemen,
you don't have to go home.Copy !req
1184. You just have to go. We are wrapped.Copy !req
1185. We're wrapped.
We love you. Thank you.Copy !req