Ernest Goes to School (1994)

1. Hail to the Muskrats!

2. The mighty, mighty Muskrats.

3. How ya doing?

4. Hail to the Muskrats.

5. The mighty, mighty, daunting muskrats,

6. Someday the Muskrats prevail.

7. Here the might warrior goes, to the C, to the Chickasaw—

8. Come on, ladies, put a little effort into it.

9. Chickadee

10. (SHAKILY) Whoa!

11. OK, girls, hit the showers.

12. Yeah!

13. Hail to the Muskrats.

14. Hail to the Muskrats.

15. Hail to the Muskrats they do what all they do the Muskrats.

16. Cheer for the Muskrats, we're for the Muskrats.

17. Hail to the Muskrats!

18. Wah!

19. Ow!

20. Ooch ow!

21. Ow, ow! Ow!

22. Ow ow.

23. Ooh, Oh ow.

24. Can anyone I need help.

25. Way to hustle out there Cardell.

26. Good hit, Raymond.

27. Fane, Fane, Fane, you gotta use both hands when you punt.

28. Spinx, you've got to keep your eyes open.

29. You're not seeing your secondary receiver.

30. I must be doing something right, tomato head.

31. We haven't lost a game this year.

32. Yeah, but—

33. And if we win next week, we'll be in the district finals.

34. So when I want your advice, I'll rattle your cage.

35. I was just trying to give you the benefit

36. of my vast years of experience.

37. And open my giant storehouse of football savvy, know I mean?

38. If you'd like later I could give you some pointers.

39. No.

40. Yeah, a football field is 100 yards long,

41. but it's a game of inches, of mere inches.

42. Plus football ain't a sport, football is a art.

43. And it's all in the fundamentals,

44. like blocking and tackling.

45. Suppose I had this little problem to tackle.

46. What I need to do is block it.

47. Then we put the hammer down.

48. And hold that line.

49. Yep, the right tool for the right job

50. and a firm belief in the fundamentals.

51. Yeah, I remember that cold rainy night when coach Brasswell

52. walked up to the bench I was warming and says, (DEEP VOICE)

53. Crazy Legs, what we need is a miracle.

54. Yeah, Coach Brasswell always knew who to call on when there

55. was a tough job to be done.

56. Crazy, he'd say, he always called me Crazy—

57. Huh?

58. Uh.

59. Oh!

60. Oh, uh.

61. Good morning, Chickasaw Falls.

62. Hello, Muskrats.

63. The question of the day is who put the snake

64. in Karen Turpin's locker?

65. And where is that snake now?

66. Oh my god, it's huge!

67. Can Rodney escape the hideous clutches of the reptile?

68. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion

69. of Rodney, King of the Jungle.

70. Chickasaw Falls High School is the glue that holds

71. our entire community together.

72. Closing it down now would be a fatal blow to the town.

73. I answer to the taxpayers of the entire district.

74. And the only way to cut costs is to consolidate the

75. obsolete schools like this one.

76. I realize the building needs work.

77. But our students and our faculty are second to none.

78. Let's cut to the chase here.

79. The board is giving you a four week

80. probation period to see if there's anything worth saving.

81. And personally, I don't see it.

82. Really?

83. I think you'll be surprised what you find.

84. We are on course to graduate every senior this year

85. and that's never been done by any school in the district.

86. That reminds me, Procter, new regulations.

87. From here on, all school employees must

88. have a high school diploma.

89. No problem there.

90. Our faculty is fully accredited and of the highest standards.

91. You have an Ernest P. Worrell here.

92. My records indicate he never graduated.

93. Well, yes.

94. But, but he's not faculty.

95. You see, he's just—

96. I don't make the rules.

97. The regulations say, all employees.

98. Here we go.

99. Excuse me.

100. Your name wouldn't be Worrell, would it?

101. That's me and boy are you in luck.

102. You're just in time for a personal demonstration

103. of (DEEP VOICE) supremo vac, the world's most powerful vacuum

104. cleaner.

105. Maybe some other time.

106. Your loss.

107. (YELLING) Ernest, turn that thing off and get in here,

108. please!

109. A job well done.

110. I'm sorry, sir, it never acted like that before.

111. And wouldn't you know it, it's just out of warranty.

112. We've got a problem, Ernest.

113. Oh, the leaky faucet in the locker room?

114. Don't worry about it.

115. It's been taken care of.

116. Seriously, they've changed the rules.

117. All school system employees must be high school graduates.

118. Or, or what?

119. Or you have to go.

120. But, sir, this is my life.

121. This is my career.

122. This is my spiritual fulfillment.

123. It's, it's my job.

124. It's either that or you have to go back to school.

125. Oh no!

126. Not that!

127. Anything but that!

128. Not back to school!

129. Good morning, Chickasaw Falls.

130. Got something special today.

131. Got a new student.

132. A man I like to call Ernest.

133. Lets all give him a big Muskrat welcome.

134. Good morning, ladies.

135. So you're going to give it a try?

136. Yes, sir.

137. You know what that famous Dr. Frankenstein said,

138. a brain is a terrible thing to waste.

139. Good morning

140. Good luck, Ernest.

141. You can do it, Ernest!

142. No problemo heir teacher a-scientificus.

143. Go ahead.

144. Don't be late.

145. Ah, he doesn't stand a chance.

146. Nah.

147. Nope.

148. 152, 152, 152.

149. 152!

150. There you are my little locker of love!

151. My little personal port in a storm of knowledge.

152. My little sanctuary far away from the teeming masses.

153. OK, Ernest, you ready?

154. Yeah.

155. Let the games begin.

156. All right, good luck.

157. Thanks.

158. See ya later, okay?

159. Thanks.

160. Go get 'em.

161. Quick review, lets see.

162. Homeroom, mathematics.

163. This is supposed to be memorized, bud.

164. No, I need that.

165. What's the matter, Ernie, did your mommy

166. hold you back a couple years?

167. More like a couple of decades, huh?

168. Ow.

169. Here we go.

170. That's go all my room numbers.

171. I can't find my way around without—

172. Get out of the way, buddy.

173. That's got my classes on it.

174. Not too close.

175. I don't know my way around, yet.

176. Come one, guys.

177. Please, I I need that.

178. I get lost, I, I, can't find my way around.

179. Hello?

180. Is anybody there?

181. Does anybody know where math class is?

182. Math class is room 205.

183. Thanks.

184. Hey, you'll need a hall pass.

185. Thanks.

186. All right, class.

187. Blackboard problem.

188. A produce truck has a trailer 12 feet wide

189. by 10 feet high by 20 feet long.

190. It carries the load of oranges, which

191. are packed 48 to the cotton.

192. Each cotton is one feet wide by one feet high by two

193. and 1/2 feet long.

194. If—

195. —the trailer is fully loaded, how many oranges does it hold?

196. Who has the answer?

197. Anyone?

198. Yeow!

199. All right, Ernest.

200. Why don't you step up to the board

201. and show us all how to find the answer?

202. Man, this ought to be great.

203. I'd love to.

204. First, we have to take into account

205. that at this time of year the most likely crop of oranges

206. are the sweet, juicy Valencia oranges,

207. grown mainly in Florida.

208. If these oranges are picked by overzealous migrant workers

209. some of them may be too ripe and this could lead to spoilage.

210. Assuming that rot doesn't spread too quickly,

211. we could subtract, say, three oranges per carton

212. just be on the safe side.

213. Plus, if there are any big grapefruit

214. mixed in there or any of those big, fat, swollen orchard rats.

215. Sit.

216. I'm just getting to the answer.

217. These big fat rats they—

218. Now!

219. (ANGRILY) Take your seat, Ernest.

220. Sit down.

221. Be my guest.

222. Thank you.

223. Sit, Ernest.

224. I have told you to sit, so, please sit!

225. All right, ladies.

226. Today we're going to do a little wrestling.

227. Who wants to help out?

228. Worrell.

229. You just volunteered.

230. I think not, Coach.

231. With my extensive background in the WWF

232. and since I've seen every single Wrestlemania since the Hulkster

233. was defeated by the Ultimate Warrior,

234. I hardly think it would be fair to the other youngsters.

235. Uh-huh.

236. Get up there now!

237. I'll move slowly, Donald, so you

238. can observe my cat-like moves.

239. Coach Carson, you ready?

240. Ay, woah woah!

241. Yo, where you at?

242. Hey, he's going to try the atomic drop.

243. Yeow!

244. Coach, coach, I've got him pinned.

245. Coach!

246. Hey, come on, Coach!

247. Woah!

248. Yo, that's gonna hurt, man!

249. Oh, Earnest, are you all right?

250. That last hold was clearly illegal.

251. Ah!

252. What you're about to see is for your eyes only, Ernest.

253. If this experiment fell into the wrong hands,

254. world governments would fall, my friend.

255. Weapons of mass destruction could

256. fall into corrupt hands and Bobby

257. and I could lose our jobs.

258. What's that on Mogley's head?

259. You are about to witness the trial run of a Nobel prize

260. winning ticket to the big time!

261. Bobby.

262. With the aid of this device, Ernest,

263. this lowly beast should be able to solve

264. this simple mathematical problem as easily

265. as it can count and root.

266. A four!

267. Ernest!

268. Oh, sorry.

269. Give him another one, Bobby.

270. Concentrate my little piggy.

271. Come on, make mama proud, two plus four is?

272. Seven?

273. Why?

274. We were so close.

275. Our family names in the text books.

276. Why, Bobby? Why, Bobby?

277. Why, Bobby?

278. Why?

279. Nothing to be ashamed of, Mogley.

280. Math was never a good subject for me either.

281. Well, you know, just tell me about—

282. Ah, puppy love.

283. These are the moments to be treasured for a lifetime.

284. Yeah right.

285. Maisy doesn't even know I'm alive.

286. Well, have you told her how you feel?

287. Are you kidding?

288. I don't even dare say hello.

289. Well it's probably best for now.

290. Your academic pursuits are the most important things

291. in these formative years.

292. Still, the hardened heart is a lonely traveler.

293. Should I be writing this stuff down?

294. Class, class settle down please.

295. Settle down, thank you.

296. As you all know, the survival of our school

297. is somewhat in question at this time.

298. Our very existence may well depend

299. upon the image we present to the community at large.

300. That's why we're fortunate to have Miss Flugal

301. as our new band instructor.

302. She has a reputation for producing the most delightfully

303. entertaining halftime shows.

304. I'm sure you'll give her your complete attention

305. and cooperation.

306. Hello, I'm Ms. Flugal.

307. And I'm looking forward to getting to know

308. each and every one of you.

309. With hard work and enthusiasm I know we can put this band back

310. on the map, so to speak.

311. Man, with this group she doesn't stand a chance.

312. So let's get started.

313. If everyone will please turn to Strauss' Blue Danube.

314. And that will give me a sense of your musicality thus far.

315. One two three, two two three, one two three, two two three.

316. Ernest, snap out of it!

317. Oh!

318. So, by applying exactly six milliwatts of DC power

319. from these Duracell batteries, the frogs leg demonstrates what

320. we call a galvanic response.

321. And that's what my project is about.

322. Did you hear that, Bobby?

323. He has been using DC power but we have been

324. using AC on the you-know-what.

325. Good report, kid.

326. Way to bugs that toad.

327. This is it, Bobby, this is it.

328. So, you, kid with the yellow shirt thing, do yours!

329. This is the break through we've been

330. waiting for all of these years.

331. If only dad were here to witness our moment of triumph, yeah?

332. What?

333. Eyes up front.

334. One of our most beloved American writers is Mark Twain.

335. His real name is Samuel Clemens.

336. And a number of his works are considered classics.

337. Who can tell me the names of some of the books

338. Mark Twain wrote?

339. Ernest!

340. - Tom Sawyer? - No!

341. Life in the Mississippi?

342. - No! - Wizard! of Oz?

343. No, your hat's on fire!

344. I thought that was Dr. Seuss.

345. The fire extinguisher!

346. To be blunt, I am very disappointed in you, Ernest.

347. It seems like there's little chance

348. of you passing your regular courses much

349. less the state examination.

350. Well I realize things haven't been going too well,

351. but I'm out of practice.

352. No, I think we'd be best to just admit the whole experiment

353. was a mistake and move on.

354. You mean, I'm finished?

355. I'm outta here?

356. I'm on the streets, up the creek,

357. down the road, dropped, purged, cold, fired, flunked?

358. Please, don't throw me out.

359. A deal's a deal.

360. Please don't make me go.

361. I know we had a deal, but, but I can't let that decision

362. jeopardize the school.

363. What are you stalling for?

364. Get rid of this idiot!

365. He can't cut it.

366. I can too cut it.

367. I'll make you proud.

368. You'll see, but please, please give me another chance cause,

369. cause if I don't have this, I don't have anything.

370. Well I want to be fair with you, Ernest.

371. So I'm giving you one more week to show some improvement.

372. Oh, thank you, sir.

373. Thank you.

374. I'll do my best and it'll be good enough.

375. And everything will work out, you'll see.

376. You'll see.

377. I'm going right now to study real, real hard.

378. Get rid of this idiot, he can't cut it.

379. I can cut it.

380. Uh, ah, sure, I've never cut it before, but anyone can change.

381. Ernest, you will answer me now.

382. Could you repeat the question?

383. Flunk him.

384. He can't cut it.

385. I can, I know I can.

386. I think I can.

387. You are such a loser.

388. You're hopeless.

389. I'm not.

390. I can change.

391. I just need more time.

392. What's the chief export of Guam?

393. Who wrote the autobiography

394. of Benjamin Franklin?

395. I must have your paper.

396. Who's buried in Grant's tomb?

397. Papers.

398. They're right.

399. I can't do it.

400. Ernest, in here.

401. Gerta?

402. Yeah, sure.

403. - What are you doing in there? - Sh.

404. Come.

405. And don't let anyone see you.

406. Come.

407. Gosh, these lockers hold more than I thought.

408. Ernest, come in.

409. Come.

410. Step a little closer.

411. Come on.

412. It's OK.

413. Closer.

414. Stop.

415. You've been having some problems with you school work, yeah?

416. Bobby and I would like to make you an offer

417. that could change your life.

418. Not to mention the course of history.

419. Well, I'm game.

420. Good because we've done it, Ernest.

421. You are looking at the world's first subatomic brain

422. accelerator.

423. And you are the lucky student who

424. has been selected by our blue ribbon panel, me and Bobby,

425. for the honor of being our very first—

426. Guinea pig.

427. I prefer the term mental pioneer.

428. Think of it, Ernest.

429. All the knowledge in the history of mankind at your disposal.

430. Well, gosh do you think this thing

431. could help me pass a math test?

432. Pass a math test?

433. Pass a math test?

434. Try rewriting the theory of relativity.

435. Well, if you think it really needs it.

436. Now you're talking.

437. OK, the important thing is that you're comfortable.

438. Come sit down.

439. I want to see if it works here.

440. Yeah?

441. Yeah, are you comfy?

442. Mm-hmm.

443. Good!

444. Strap him in, Bobby.

445. All the straps may not even be necessary, Ernest.

446. But that's what being a mental pioneer is all about, isn't it?

447. Are you ready, Ernest?

448. Actually I am having some second thoughts.

449. Oh! (SHUSHING) No.

450. Now, Bobby, fire it up.

451. Now, Ernest, get ready to become smart.

452. OK, Bobby, let her rip!

453. Ernest, how I envy you.

454. Professor, pull it out to just the left hemisphere.

455. Uh, Bobby.

456. Shut it down.

457. Shut it down!

458. Ernest?

459. Oh, Ernest, Ernest, my friend.

460. Are you in there?

461. (INTELLIGENTLY) By saying, are you in there,

462. you must be making the philosophical assumption

463. that I'm a conscious entity wholly

464. capable of existing outside the body you see in front of you.

465. (ERNEST REGULAR VOICE) Know what I mean?

466. It works!

467. It works!

468. Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, it works!

469. Am I smart now?

470. Oh no, not now.

471. But for a few brief moments there baby, you were brilliant!

472. Gosh, fellas, I don't know how to thank you!

473. Ah, yeah, nothing.

474. Listen, you got to get here bright and early

475. so that we can load you up.

476. And if my calculations are correct,

477. a normal sized brain can only maintain

478. a charge for about three hours.

479. So in your case, liebchen, we're looking at 45 minutes

480. to an hour tops.

481. Well, gosh, maybe this means I could pass now.

482. Just remember, Ernest, give yourself

483. plenty of time to recharge before every class, OK?

484. Eureka!

485. Good morning, Chickasaw Falls,

486. and the countdown is on to find out who'll be little miss

487. perfect, the homecoming queen.

488. Yeah, real excitement there, with a win

489. this week we can go to the district finals.

490. We can be football heroes!

491. Right class, who can give me the answer to the problem I

492. said for homework?

493. Come now, surely someone must have worked it out.

494. Ernest, all right, what's your guess?

495. (INTELLIGENTLY) The answer is y to the fourth power plus 16y

496. cubed plus 71y squared minus 4y minus 420 equals zero.

497. That's right!

498. Well of course it's right.

499. Why don't you show the rest of the class

500. how you arrived at your answer?

501. Be glad to.

502. The key thing to remember here, class,

503. is that by increasing the true roots

504. of an equation we therefore decrease the false roots

505. by an equal amount.

506. And on the contrary, by decreasing the false roots

507. we increase the true roots by an equal amount.

508. Am I going too fast for those of you who are taking notes?

509. Good.

510. So to continue.

511. Increasing the true root, five by three

512. we diminish each of the false roots

513. so that the root previously four is now only one and the root

514. previously three is zero and the root previously two

515. is the true root equal to minus 4y minus 420 equals zero.

516. Now that we've covered the basics,

517. why don't we go on to something a little more stimulating?

518. So, how did it go?

519. (NORMAL VOICE) Great!

520. I never knew I was so smart.

521. Come on, come on, let's go!

522. I'm gonna be late.

523. Well, excuse me.

524. Would everyone please get out the Sousa book,

525. Stars and Stripes Forever.

526. And we'll see if we can't discover what we were

527. doing wrong the other day, hm?

528. (INTELLIGENTLY) Hello, my little friend.

529. How come all the sudden you show up late for everything?

530. I'm bored by the preliminaries.

531. They're so elementary, don't you think?

532. That's another thing, how come all of a sudden you're

533. such an expert on everything?

534. Everyone has the potential for brilliance, my boy.

535. I've just been fortunate enough to find the key that unlocks

536. the powers of the human mind.

537. Right.

538. From the top.

539. Think pitch, trumpets.

540. One two, two two.

541. All right people.

542. People, please.

543. May I make a suggestion?

544. Well yes, Ernest.

545. First of all you must understand

546. that this song, perhaps more than any other,

547. represents the fighting spirit of the United States

548. of America.

549. So as you raise your horn to your lips,

550. try to think of those courageous young soldiers, the loved

551. ones they left behind, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas

552. morning, the Easter Parade.

553. Your middle valve needs a little oil.

554. Woodwinds, woodwinds, woodwinds.

555. The color, the nuance of 50 distinct individual United

556. States. It's all up to you.

557. Everybody now.

558. Class, I think we've found our new drum major.

559. What do you say, Ernest?

560. It'll take a lot of work.

561. And I have my reputation to think of.

562. Oh, come on Ernest.

563. Please, Ernest?

564. Well, if you insist.

565. As you are probably aware, there

566. are certain persons associated with this football team

567. that would rather we didn't play halftime

568. at the homecoming game.

569. They say, we're an embarrassment to the school.

570. They say, we defile the name of the mighty Muskrats.

571. We'll I say, why are we going to allow the football

572. team to have all the glory?

573. Glory, which by all rights, is ours!

574. How do we do this, you ask?

575. Who could we impress?

576. We're just a bunch of no talent losers.

577. Why we don't know an eighth note from fly poop.

578. Well, I beg to differ.

579. A good leader could turn this no account rabble

580. into a drum pounding, horn blowing, foot stomping,

581. precision marching unit.

582. A good leader could take you deadbeats

583. and turn you into a marching band

584. better than any Chickasaw Falls has ever seen.

585. And honesty compels me to tell you that I am that leader.

586. Oh, Bradley, did you lose this?

587. All right.

588. In one two, one two three four.

589. Can you feel it, Harold?

590. There's a new spirit in here, and it's great.

591. You've got another full week to enjoy before the ax falls.

592. Well, I'd hate to be the one to close down

593. a school with the winning football team

594. and a rousing halftime show.

595. You don't have to.

596. That's my job.

597. After school what say we drop by the video arcade and you can

598. watch whilst I dazzle one and all with my uncanny

599. hand-eye coordination.

600. No, no, I don't think so, Ernest.

601. We could go by the park and you

602. could see how many games of chess

603. I could play simultaneously.

604. No, you don't need us to do any of that stuff.

605. Besides, I have to study, not like some people I know.

606. As I've told you before, I've learned that secret

607. to unlocking the powers of the mind.

608. Yeah, well, however it works I don't know how to do it.

609. So—

610. My good man, would you happen to have any sauce venais

611. for this meatloaf ordinaire?

612. Fresh cilantro? Picante salsa?

613. We got ketchup.

614. That's what I like to eat it with.

615. Yes, I bet you do.

616. You know Ernest, you've turned into a real jerk.

617. I liked you a lot better when you weren't so smart.

618. Yeah, that should do it, Bobby.

619. Now the machine's perfect.

620. Oh, I cannot wait to try this on a real human brain!

621. But, until then, Ernest will have to do.

622. Wakey, wakey, fellas.

623. I'm running late this morning and I've got

624. lots of important things to do.

625. Yes, good morning to you, too, Ernest.

626. We have made some slight modifications

627. that I think is going to make this baby work even better.

628. Gerta, I'm sure that's all very fascinating to someone

629. who really cares.

630. But could we please dispense with the small talk

631. and get on with this?

632. Come, Bobby.

633. We've got a very important person here.

634. Wouldn't want to waste any of his valuable time.

635. Thank you.

636. There, that's more like it.

637. And the next time, would you both

638. try to be ready when I get here?

639. I'm on a very tight schedule and having to wait on you

640. two doesn't make things any easier.

641. Good day.

642. Being smart hasn't done a lot for Ernest's personality.

643. Got a pretty high opinion of himself, for a lab rat.

644. Bobby, what is this?

645. You've held the power back on him?

646. Ernest will only be smart for another 38 minutes!

647. Why, Bobby?

648. Why, Bobby, you devil.

649. All right, now class, settle down.

650. Settle down now please.

651. Settle.

652. Today we'll be continuing our study of America in the 1800's.

653. This was truly a century of great unrest,

654. mixed with major strides forward as the United

655. States began to take its place on the world stage.

656. Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

657. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

658. Ah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

659. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

660. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

661. Blah, blah, blah.

662. Blah, blah, blah.

663. Blah, blah blah.

664. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

665. Uh blah, blah, blah, blah.

666. Blah, blah.

667. And so, I hope you all can see what an exciting period

668. of history this was.

669. Now we only have time for one report today.

670. Who'd like to give theirs?

671. Ernest?

672. Well it's about time.

673. Thank you.

674. While I'm sure most of you have heard of Seward's Folly,

675. I am equally sure that none of you

676. understand the important historical significance

677. of this momentous event.

678. I refer to, of course, the Alas— haha,

679. the Alaska purchase.

680. (NORMAL VOICE RETURNING) The year, um, 1867.

681. The man William He-He-He Henry Seward.

682. He was a prom-a-ha-na hey-nada ha-nada

683. the United States senator.

684. Who can be-he ca-ha me-he uh-coh hon-uh —gressman.

685. That he be-he na-had

686. Thank you.

687. Wacka.

688. Wacka, wacka, wacka.

689. Come, Ernest, come.

690. Bobby just speculated a little lesson.

691. He didn't mean anything by it.

692. Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

693. What's that, Lassie?

694. Timmy's in trouble?

695. Did you get it?

696. (INTELLIGENTLY) Show business is my life, people.

697. And if there's one thing I've learned

698. in this crazy, mixed up biz, is you've got

699. to give them what they want.

700. You've got to razzle them and dazzle them.

701. Astound them and amaze them and leave them begging for more.

702. Now, listen up because I'm only going to say this once.

703. If you lose your place and don't know what to do watch me.

704. If the crowd makes you nervous—

705. Watch me.

706. Tubas, if we get fatigued on that last credenza

707. what are we going to do?

708. Watch me.

709. All right, now from the top.

710. And flag twirlers, I want you to wave those flags

711. like patriotic zealots.

712. All right.

713. A one a two, a one two three four.

714. All right.

715. Well Wanda hits the gong as fireworks queue,

716. I hit the kettle drum.

717. Rocket, rocket, rocket.

718. I hit the xylophone.

719. Rocket, rocket, rocket.

720. They've been working so hard.

721. All they can think about is the firework

722. display at the homecoming.

723. I'm sure they will be just fine

724. as long as they keep it short and don't try to embarrass—

725. what band is this?

726. That's Earnest.

727. I mean that's us.

728. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

729. Wrong, all wrong.

730. Ernest?

731. Ernest, Mr. Procter would like to have a word with you.

732. Take five everyone.

733. Miss Flugal tells me you've completely turned

734. around the program, Ernest!

735. Congratulations son.

736. You have no idea what this could mean for our school.

737. Thank you, sir.

738. It's a shame our performance will have to be interrupted

739. by a mere football game.

740. Well, yes.

741. Keep up the good work and good luck tomorrow night.

742. Thank you, sir.

743. Oh, I'll be right with you.

744. Ernest, I—

745. Yes?

746. There's a dance after the game tomorrow night

747. and I have to chaperone.

748. So I was wondering if you'd like to go with me?

749. Well I, I haven't checked my schedule but um,

750. I think I'm free.

751. People, people!

752. Once more from the top.

753. And this time with feeling!

754. Chick Hansen here.

755. Well, it's a gorgeous fall evening.

756. And it's been an all Muskrat first half

757. as we've managed to skunk the Knights of Regal View.

758. Star quarterback Brad Spinx has never looked better

759. at finding his receivers as the Muskrats again drive

760. deep into Knight territory.

761. That's another six for the Muskrats.

762. This homecoming crowd has really got our boys fired up.

763. Way to go, girls.

764. Bravo.

765. I am so excited.

766. Look at this crowd, I've never seen so many people.

767. A fitting audience for my crowning triumph

768. as drum major to the stars, don't you think?

769. I just hope everything goes all right.

770. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.

771. As long as my youngsters remember the number one rule,

772. everything will be just fine.

773. And what's that rule?

774. Watch me.

775. You see?

776. What could go wrong?

777. Ernest, where are you going?

778. Oh, I just remembered I, I left

779. something in the band room.

780. I'll be right back.

781. Well you better be, Ernest, everybody is counting on you.

782. Would a King miss his own coronation?

783. I think not.

784. (NORMAL VOICE) What happened here?

785. The came like thieves in the night

786. and attacked cruelly and without provocation.

787. Who would do such a thing?

788. People chose with small minds.

789. Defenders of the status quo, afraid of a brave new world.

790. Philistines, barbarians.

791. Republicans, who knows?

792. Well, can you fix it?

793. Oh sure, Ernest, let me just get this knot out.

794. What am I gonna do?

795. I can't go out there like this.

796. I'm just me.

797. (GULPS) Oh.

798. And now, the marching

799. Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls.

800. Where's Ernest?

801. I don't know.

802. But we've got to go on now.

803. I've seen these kids rehearsing.

804. It was quite impressive.

805. (SARCASTICALLY) I'm on the edge of my seat.

806. Well, it's about time.

807. We've got to go back. We can't go on.

808. This will never work.

809. It's too late for that, the show's already started.

810. I've got to tell you something,

811. it's not what you think.

812. I'm not really smart.

813. You get up there.

814. Remember what you told me?

815. Watch me.

816. Go.

817. Oh.

818. Uh.

819. One two, one two three four.

820. How about those marching Muskrats!

821. Yelp.

822. Help.

823. Ah.

824. Ah, ah.

825. Yeow.

826. Whoah.

827. Whoah.

828. Whoa, wah ho.

829. ERNEST (MUFFLED IN Oh, oh, uh, oh.

830. Get me outta here.

831. Help me get outta here.

832. Help me get outta here.

833. Help me, help, get me outta here.

834. Run, run!

835. Come on, come on.

836. Get the hose on, lets go, huh!

837. It's your fault!

838. I hold you responsible.

839. I never should have allowed you to let

840. Ernest take over this program!

841. I know I let everybody down.

842. I had my chance and I blew it.

843. I'm sorry about everything I'm sorry I'm me.

844. Good-bye my faithful locker.

845. Good-bye my little monkey wrench.

846. You coping saws seem to be taking this very well.

847. I really blew it this time, didn't I, Mister Needle-nose?

848. (AS NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS) You sure did, Ernest.

849. You let the whole school down.

850. (NORMAL VOICE) I let the whole school down.

851. (AS NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS) You let Miss Flugal down.

852. (NORMAL VOICE) I let Miss Flugal down.

853. You treated Donald like scum.

854. I treated Donald like scum.

855. And you acted like a real jerk to everybody.

856. I acted like a real jerk to everybody.

857. And now I got to study just like everybody else.

858. And now I have to study like e—

859. wait a minute!

860. That's not your voice!

861. Didn't think you'd get out of that easily, did you, Ernest?

862. You have to take a test like the rest of us.

863. Yeah, we're gonna tutor you til you scream for mercy.

864. Are you sure there's not another way?

865. No, you're just going to have to study.

866. Gosh!

867. What's the predominant element in bones?

868. Who shot Abraham Lincoln?

869. What's the fifth most common element?

870. Yogurt.

871. Cheese.

872. Some guy with a gun.

873. Not dairy products, Ernest.

874. What guy?

875. Great potato famine of mid 1800's.

876. Chalk.

877. Um, the Klingons!

878. No!

879. - Colonel Sanders. - No.

880. Abraham Lincoln.

881. The Penguin!

882. This is hopeless!

883. Elements.

884. Wyatt Earp.

885. Elephants. - What country?

886. Are you sure it's not the penguin?

887. Idaho. We're sure!

888. - Country. - Ivory.

889. Garth Brooks.

890. Helium.

891. Nine to the fifth power.

892. Seward's Folly.

893. 5440 or fight.

894. Agriculture.

895. Rockin' Rodney, here.

896. Today's question is who set fire to the Ironman float

897. last night after the pep rally?

898. And quite frankly, how do we thank these people?

899. Got the big one this weekend.

900. Got the district finals, got a chance

901. to win the whole enchilada.

902. Hey, were going to be football heroes!

903. Yeah, fighting Muskrats taking their place in history.

904. Oh yeah.

905. Ernest!

906. OK.

907. Here we go.

908. The big test.

909. Now all you have to do is relax and concentrate.

910. My brain hurts.

911. I think it's broke.

912. I don't think man was supposed to have this much knowledge,

913. know what I mean?

914. Ernest, open up!

915. We fixed it!

916. I never thought we could do it so fast

917. but when Bobby sets his mind to something, let me tell you,

918. there is just no stopping him.

919. That's great!

920. That means now I can pass for sure.

921. Yes siree!

922. Ya vol!

923. We got a new and improved brain accelerator that is just

924. waiting for you to plug into.

925. OK?

926. Thanks anyway, Gerta, but I think

927. I better do this one on my own.

928. You're joking!

929. Ernest, what about science?

930. What about the Nobel Prize?

931. What about giving us a break, we need you!

932. We can't afford a chimp!

933. All right, students.

934. No talking.

935. No wandering eyes.

936. Ready, begin!

937. Is there a problem Mr. Worrell?

938. No, ma'am.

939. How did it go, Ernest?

940. I don't know, it's it's all just kind of a blur.

941. Know what I mean?

942. Well whatever happens, I'm proud of you.

943. Come on.

944. Come on.

945. Chick Hansen here.

946. Well it's a perfect crisp afternoon for a game.

947. And what a game we've got!

948. It's a once in a lifetime David and Goliath match up

949. between our own fighting Muskrats

950. of Chickasaw Falls and the undefeated Ironman

951. of Central High.

952. A school that produces championship teams

953. is not the kind of school that should be closed.

954. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Nichols.

955. Oh, well, as a private individual I do agree with you.

956. But as chairperson of the school board, of course

957. I'm trying to keep an open mind.

958. Anyway the question is moot because Central is going to win

959. today and they'll be champion.

960. Oh yeah, is that right?

961. Hey Principal Procter,

962. can I see you a second?

963. Excuse me.

964. Knock 'em dead, Ernest.

965. Ladies and gentlemen, the lady

966. Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls!

967. Slow down a minute, Coach, we need to talk.

968. Nah, this is not a good time for me.

969. You've heard about my plans to close your high school.

970. Yeah, yeah, I've heard.

971. Well, I've got a little problem that I

972. think you can help me with.

973. What?

974. If you win today, you'll be district

975. champs and that'll make things a lot harder for me.

976. Well we're gonna win!

977. We're gonna whoop 'em!

978. I don't see how I can help ya.

979. You can make sure your team loses.

980. Why would I want to do that?

981. If you lose, I'll guarantee you

982. the job of head coach of Central High when we merge the schools.

983. I don't know.

984. Chickasaw Falls will close anyway, you might as

985. well get something out of it.

986. We could've beat those guys.

987. So what?

988. A week from now nobody'll remember who won what.

989. We could beat those guys.

990. Could've beat them!

991. Hey!

992. Somebody get me outta here!

993. All right, boys, bring it on in here.

994. Lets go!

995. All right, listen up fellas.

996. I got a new game plan.

997. This is certainly not the caliber of football

998. we've come to expect from Coach Decker

999. and his fighting Muskrats.

1000. The Ironmen seem to have our Muskrats

1001. completely fooled out there.

1002. And that's another six, now seven points for the Ironmen,

1003. which puts our Muskrats at a pathetic 18 to zip.

1004. Well the good news is the first half is almost over.

1005. The bad news is there's still another 30

1006. minutes of this massacre to go.

1007. I'm in here.

1008. Could you let me out?

1009. Hey!

1010. Hey, if anyone's out there, I'm in here.

1011. Could you let me out?

1012. You gotta let me outta here.

1013. Well, hey!

1014. Ah, I owe ya one, pal.

1015. I love this guy!

1016. Look out. Comin' through.

1017. Look out, squirt.

1018. Rodney, where have you been?

1019. Oh, man, it's a long story.

1020. But here it goes.

1021. That Axwell guy, he talked Coach Decker into throwing the game.

1022. What?

1023. They can't do that!

1024. Well, who's going to stop them?

1025. We are!

1026. Yeah, right.

1027. With what?

1028. Don't you see?

1029. We're the last line of defense.

1030. It's the Battle of the Bulge and it's up to us

1031. to hold the Greek hoards off the Pacific fleet.

1032. So what do we do, Ernest?

1033. Luckily, I've got an idea I've been saving

1034. for just such an occasion.

1035. Does this make water? Does it?

1036. We need your help!

1037. The fate of our school depends on us.

1038. Bobby, for Chickasaw Falls.

1039. For truth, justice, and the Germanic American way.

1040. Um.

1041. - Maisy. - Maisy.

1042. Great, OK.

1043. Ernest is going to stall as long as he can.

1044. Here's what we need. - OK.

1045. OK, we're going to need some sleeping gas with gas masks—

1046. And now, the marching

1047. Muskrats of Chickasaw Falls.

1048. No, not your marching band.

1049. They do try very hard.

1050. There won't be this kind of embarrassment

1051. at the new school.

1052. Now it's time to get

1053. down and do the funky Muskrat!

1054. (SINGING) Get your soul food a la king, Muskrats marching

1055. to a James Brown thing.

1056. Homeboy's grooving down the street,

1057. got his mojo working on a Muskrat beat.

1058. Good, boys, the towels.

1059. Right now, their vision is getting very blurry.

1060. A sense of well-being is creeping over them.

1061. They're experiencing vertigo and a strong desire to lie down.

1062. OK, turn it off, Bobby.

1063. Let's go.

1064. Remember guys, this is very powerful sleeping gas.

1065. So keep those masks on tight.

1066. Go on, go on!

1067. Maisy, this isn't going to work.

1068. We can't play football.

1069. We can play better than these guys are playing.

1070. Come on, you guys.

1071. Lets get these uniforms off them.

1072. Someone's gotta try and win this game.

1073. Would you please put your hands together

1074. for the amazing horns in space!

1075. Symmetry and artistry join hands with Ed's TV

1076. and Appliance to bring you the graceful spiral of life.

1077. The Sabre Dance.

1078. OK, kids, look, this is—

1079. All right, good work, get out there man.

1080. So far, so good.

1081. That was the easy part.

1082. We better go see how Ernest is doing.

1083. OK.

1084. Come on 'Rats band, let's go get 'em!

1085. All right guys, lets do it!

1086. I hope being quarterback doesn't go to Ernest's head!

1087. The most important thing is that a team have a leader.

1088. A star.

1089. A bright light that shines through the darkness

1090. so that others may follow.

1091. And I am that man.

1092. That sounds familiar.

1093. In my prime, I was known as Crazy Legs Worrell.

1094. So just give me the ball and watch the show,

1095. know what I mean?

1096. The Muskrats look much the worse

1097. for wear and no wonder after the brutal beating

1098. they've taken thus far.

1099. Hut!

1100. These Muskrats are

1101. playing like they don't deserve to be in championship game.

1102. And, in this man's opinion, are a disgrace to the proud colors

1103. of Chickasaw Falls.

1104. Ladies and gentlemen, oh the humanity,

1105. never can I recall a more wretched

1106. display of physical ineptitude.

1107. And with the score standing an embarrassing 39 to nothing

1108. there is no joy in Mundale tonight.

1109. Ernest, come with me.

1110. Come.

1111. I know that philosophically using this device

1112. may be repugnant to your sense of sportsmanship and fair play,

1113. but quite frankly my friend I think it is high time we

1114. introduce the Ironmen to the new and improved

1115. subatomic brain accelerator.

1116. Make me a master Muskrat.

1117. Great!

1118. Let's hurry!

1119. Oh and Ernest, this time try not to act like such a jerk, hm?

1120. (DEEP VOICE) All right.

1121. Now the gloves come off.

1122. It looks like the Muskrats

1123. are going with a new quarterback and it's Ernest P. Worrell?

1124. The Muskrats have the ball fourth and 27

1125. at their own 49 yard line and it looks

1126. like they're going for it.

1127. I guess they figured they've got nothing to lose.

1128. 39 hut, hut, hut.

1129. Go, Ernest, go!

1130. Bring home the bacon!

1131. Oh, sorry, Mogley.

1132. Beep, beep, beep.

1133. The Muskrats have the ball and they're finally on the move.

1134. 37, 25, a one two, a one two three hut.

1135. It looks like the Muskrats have the Ironmen

1136. completely baffled out there.

1137. Ha, ha, ha.

1138. I don't know what's gotten into them,

1139. but the Muskrats look like a different team out there.

1140. Animals, right.

1141. You are a wolverine.

1142. OK, you are a, uh, rhinoceros.

1143. You are a fuzzy little mouse, but you're mean,

1144. you're vicious.

1145. And the extra point is good!

1146. There's the kick off.

1147. And the Muskrats bring 'em down near mid-field.

1148. But with just 20 seconds left on the clock,

1149. it looks like the valiant heroics are all for naught.

1150. All right, so what do we do now, Ernest?

1151. I don't know, fellas, I'm fresh out of ideas.

1152. Leave it to me guys.

1153. Here's what we do.

1154. OK, I'll need your help. (WHISPERS)

1155. Off-center and then you guys back me up.

1156. Yoo-hoo, number 57!

1157. Hey, you're cute.

1158. Break!

1159. IRONMAN PLAYER: 32.

1160. 32.

1161. Hut!

1162. For me?

1163. Thank you.

1164. Timeout!

1165. It's the old cupid play!

1166. The old cupid play!

1167. What a game!

1168. The Muskrats have called their last timeout with just three

1169. seconds left on the clock.

1170. And meanwhile, the backfield comes back

1171. here to cover me on the play.

1172. Any questions?

1173. All right then.

1174. Lets go.

1175. Wait a minute!

1176. Ernest!

1177. Oh, Bobby!

1178. Did you charge Ernest?

1179. Nein!

1180. Ach der lieber!

1181. Ernest!

1182. Hey, who's that in our uniforms?

1183. What are they doing out there?

1184. What's going on?

1185. 37.

1186. 21.

1187. 39.

1188. Pi to the ninth, pi to the ninth, pi to the ninth.

1189. Heba-dee.

1190. Oh, boy.

1191. I got him!

1192. I got him!

1193. Hey, Ernest!

1194. Ernest!

1195. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

1196. Ow yeah!

1197. Uh-oh.

1198. Come on baby!

1199. Come on, do it!

1200. You can make it, Ernest!

1201. You're almost there!

1202. You can make it!

1203. Oh, yeah.

1204. I got it! I got it!

1205. Come on, come on!

1206. Right here, right here, right here!

1207. I got it!

1208. I got it!

1209. The Muskrats win!

1210. The Muskrats win!

1211. They're the new district champions!

1212. Yes! Yes!

1213. Yes!

1214. Get him off of there!

1215. Get the cops!

1216. Get the

1217. Yay!

1218. And that's exactly why, hey!

1219. I heard you trying to sell us out, you dipstick!

1220. I don't know what you're talking about.

1221. I never thought you'd go that far.

1222. Listen, I can explain.

1223. Everything I've done, I did it for the good of the school

1224. system as a whole.

1225. That is your opinion.

1226. But I think you, along with your buddy

1227. Decker, will be out looking for new jobs

1228. once I tell the school board what you've been up to.

1229. No!

1230. Don't do that.

1231. We can work something out.

1232. I mean—

1233. a school that produces champions

1234. isn't the kind of school any enlightened person

1235. would think about closing.

1236. You, you mean—

1237. Chickasaw Falls will stay open.

1238. So you actually passed the big test?

1239. Unbelievable.

1240. Yeah, Ernest.

1241. By Friday night you'll be a high school graduate.

1242. Didn't doubt you for a second, pal.

1243. (NORMAL VOICE) Well you guys were a big help.

1244. Thanks a lot.

1245. But you know?

1246. I think I had it in me all along.

1247. Ernest?

1248. (WHISPERING) Good luck, buddy.

1249. Come on!

1250. Ernest, I just came by to say how

1251. proud I am of you for finally getting that diploma.

1252. Good for you.

1253. Well I couldn't have done it without you, Miss Flugal.

1254. Oh I, I made you something.

1255. Oh!

1256. It's a music box.

1257. Ernest, how sweet!

1258. You made that for me?

1259. (QUIETLY) Listen.

1260. Hmm.

1261. Once again, the right tool for the right job.

1262. Know what I mean?

1263. Hail to the Muskrats.

1264. The brave avenger Muskrats.

1265. Hail to the Muskrats!

1266. They do what all they do for Muskrats.

1267. Cheer for the Muskrats, we're for the Muskrats!

1268. Hail to the Muskrats.

1269. Those fuzzy mighty Muskrats.

1270. Hail to the Muskrats, those mangy, beaten, marvel Muskrats.

1271. One day the Muskrats prevail.