1. - You know Lula, she loves her syrup.
- You have enough syrup.Copy !req
2. Don't use Mrs. Butterworth's
as a squirt bottle.Copy !req
3. It's no big deal. You've had enough.Copy !req
4. - Mom, these aren't brown enough.
- Do you want me to burn them?Copy !req
5. No, but I just want them more brown.Copy !req
6. Mikey, Mom's not a short-order cook.
Okay?Copy !req
7. Eat up now.Copy !req
8. - Sweetie, I can't get it.
- Don't use a fork.Copy !req
9. No bubbles at the table.
Eat your breakfast first.Copy !req
10. She's right, you know,
my eggs taste like bubbles now.Copy !req
11. - Hurry up, honey, you'll be late.
- All right.Copy !req
12. The van needs an inspection sticker.
Good luck.Copy !req
13. Alrighty.Copy !req
14. What's this?Copy !req
15. Look who's hiding. Mr. Dino...Copy !req
16. and another weird stowaway.Copy !req
17. Okay, Nathan, no cereal in my thingy.Copy !req
18. - Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye, honey.Copy !req
19. Nathan!Copy !req
20. - What's that?
- What?Copy !req
21. That.Copy !req
22. Maple syrup.Copy !req
23. Man! Can you believe
that comes from a tree?Copy !req
24. Don't taste my pants.Copy !req
25. I can't taste your pants?Copy !req
26. Ever.Copy !req
27. - Ever?
- No.Copy !req
28. Well, don't spill maple syrup
on them.Copy !req
29. That doesn't mean
you have to taste it.Copy !req
30. - I like maple syrup.
- Not from my pants.Copy !req
31. I love it.Copy !req
32. How about this?
What if you had, like, an inkpad...Copy !req
33. only instead of ink,
it was soaked in maple syrup.Copy !req
34. Or peppermint. Any flavor you wanted.Copy !req
35. - And you just open up your little pad.
- Right.Copy !req
36. And you press your finger on it
and then you taste your finger.Copy !req
37. Peppermint, any time of day.
Or cherry.Copy !req
38. Wouldn't the pad get
disgusting after a while?Copy !req
39. Disgusting how?Copy !req
40. I don't know. You keep touching
the thing with your filthy fingers.Copy !req
41. Couple of days that flavor-pad's like
some mattress at the dump.Copy !req
42. You're right. It's no good.Copy !req
43. Tim.Copy !req
44. - Did you get your performance chart?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
45. Well, look at mine. I don't get it.Copy !req
46. Good. Fair. Fair. Good. Then it falls
into the red in the focus department.Copy !req
47. Well, you know, Nick, that's because
you're a dreamer. You know?Copy !req
48. - I'm not a dreamer.
- You're not the most focused person.Copy !req
49. You're a dreamer.Copy !req
50. Yeah.Copy !req
51. I'm a dreamer?Copy !req
52. Hey, you wanna feel something?
Come here.Copy !req
53. Sit in this chair. Come here.Copy !req
54. Okay.Copy !req
55. Check this out.Copy !req
56. - Sit back.
- This is some chair.Copy !req
57. - Do you like it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
58. Here. Feel this.Copy !req
59. What is that?Copy !req
60. - Lumbar support.
- Oh, that is good.Copy !req
61. - It's made especially for your spine.
- I like it.Copy !req
62. Comes with the office.
And the promotion.Copy !req
63. - Right.
- Thinking of buying a swimming pool.Copy !req
64. - What, are you kidding?
- I am.Copy !req
65. Thinking bean-shaped.Copy !req
66. Expensive. Bean-shaped?Copy !req
67. Take a look at my
performance chart.Copy !req
68. Look at your focus. It's way up there.
It's in the yellow.Copy !req
69. I'm telling you, you get your focus
even into the orange, just the orange...Copy !req
70. I guarantee you can have
a chair like that.Copy !req
71. - Really?
- And an office like this.Copy !req
72. And a piano-shaped pool
if that's what you want.Copy !req
73. It's all there for you. All you gotta
do is focus. Just work a little harder.Copy !req
74. You can get bumped up to sandpaper
with me and the world opens up.Copy !req
75. You know what, man?
You could really sack out in this thing.Copy !req
76. I'm telling you, your numbers
aren't that bad. It's just focus.Copy !req
77. If you put together everything else,
you got a really strong thing going on.Copy !req
78. Nick.Copy !req
79. Nick!Copy !req
80. - I gotta get back to work.
- Yeah.Copy !req
81. - Good talk.
- Yeah, good talk.Copy !req
82. - Remember what I said.
- Focus.Copy !req
83. - Just get into orange.
- That's all I need.Copy !req
84. Don't even worry about yellow,
just orange.Copy !req
85. - Do you ever just watch your hand?
- No.Copy !req
86. I was just looking at my hand today.Copy !req
87. It was like a separate thing.Copy !req
88. It was...Copy !req
89. picking up papers.Copy !req
90. It tapped on my desk.Copy !req
91. It sat in my lap.Copy !req
92. - It's like...
- Sorry.Copy !req
93. It's like a...Copy !req
94. It's like a sidekick.Copy !req
95. My little ugly sidekick.
It was very odd.Copy !req
96. What?Copy !req
97. - What?
- How about this?Copy !req
98. A spray can, see?
And you spray it on dog poo...Copy !req
99. and the poo disappears.Copy !req
100. - Disappears?
- Yes!Copy !req
101. Where does it go?Copy !req
102. Who knows, but the thing is...Copy !req
103. you come up with something
that gets rid of dog turds...Copy !req
104. you are home free, my friend.
Home free.Copy !req
105. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
106. Liposuction.Copy !req
107. You mean,
where they suck the fat out?Copy !req
108. There's a thing about it in here.Copy !req
109. You're fine.
You don't need fat sucked out.Copy !req
110. I don't know.
If we had a little extra money.Copy !req
111. - We don't have extra money.
- We have a little.Copy !req
112. Not to get fat sucked out.Copy !req
113. - Hello?
- Timmy.Copy !req
114. - Timmy, check this out.
- What?Copy !req
115. You know that invention of mine
that makes turds disappear?Copy !req
116. I got a name for it.Copy !req
117. Vapoorize.Copy !req
118. It's just like "vaporize,"
only you add an O...Copy !req
119. so you got "poo" right there
in the middle.Copy !req
120. Yeah, I get it.Copy !req
121. Do you see how perfect it is? Maybe
even underline the poo. Vapoorize.Copy !req
122. - All right.
- Vapoorize.Copy !req
123. Goodbye.Copy !req
124. Nick?Copy !req
125. - What did he want?
- Nothing.Copy !req
126. Vapoorize.Copy !req
127. Next up, ladies and gentlemen,
Nathan Vanderpark.Copy !req
128. - Go ahead, Nathan.
- All right.Copy !req
129. Here we go, Nathan. Here we go.Copy !req
130. Almost, Nathan.Copy !req
131. - All right. Nice try.
- All right, Nathan, let's—Copy !req
132. Oh! Close one.Copy !req
133. Oh! Come— All right.Copy !req
134. That's enough. Hey.Copy !req
135. Almost.Copy !req
136. - We'll get them next time, no problem.
- Good job.Copy !req
137. You know that guy Dimitriov
in research?Copy !req
138. - Dimitriov?
- Yeah.Copy !req
139. Kind of big beard.Copy !req
140. - Kind of strange.
- No.Copy !req
141. - I told him about my invention.
- What invention?Copy !req
142. Vapoorize!Copy !req
143. Nick, you got a cute name, that's it.Copy !req
144. It's not an invention.
It's an idea. It's nothing.Copy !req
145. Not according to Dimitriov.
He thinks I'm really on to something.Copy !req
146. - Bravo!
- Good stuff.Copy !req
147. - Good job.
- Good stuff.Copy !req
148. You know what? I love this tent.
There's not one bug.Copy !req
149. Guess what.Copy !req
150. I went over to Dimitriov's
a few nights ago.Copy !req
151. We were running all these
experiments in his sink.Copy !req
152. - He is having a ball with this thing.
- What thing?Copy !req
153. You didn't tell Debbie?Copy !req
154. No, I'm sorry, I didn't.
Please, go ahead. This is great.Copy !req
155. Check it out. It's a spray can, okay?Copy !req
156. And you spray it on dog poo...Copy !req
157. and the poo disappears.Copy !req
158. That is an awesome invention.
I mean, we could sure use it.Copy !req
159. It's not an invention. It's nothing.
I mean, how does it work?Copy !req
160. It's a spray can and you spray it on.Copy !req
161. - Exactly.
- Right?Copy !req
162. Yeah, I know,
but I mean, what makes it disappear?Copy !req
163. - Things don't just disappear.
- I don't know, honey.Copy !req
164. How does anything work?
How does electricity work?Copy !req
165. I think it's a great idea.Copy !req
166. So do I. I think it's really exciting.Copy !req
167. - You're nuts.
- Dessert, everybody?Copy !req
168. - I'm nuts. I'm crazy.
- You're crazy!Copy !req
169. I have an invention.
Honey, I have an invention.Copy !req
170. It's this button you press and wings
sprout out of you and you can fly.Copy !req
171. You can fly into outer space,
to the moon, to Jupiter if you like.Copy !req
172. He's doing so well.Copy !req
173. He's not doing anything.Copy !req
174. - Does he have any lines?
- No, honey, he's a tree.Copy !req
175. Three months of rehearsal.Copy !req
176. Dimitriov wants to know if I wanna
take it to the next level.Copy !req
177. Four thousand bucks.
You wanna go in with me, 50-50?Copy !req
178. - I pray to God you're kidding.
- Your invention?Copy !req
179. We've been working with dry ice.
We've got something amazing.Copy !req
180. Nick, forget it.Copy !req
181. No, wait a minute. $2000.
We have that in our savings.Copy !req
182. - I mean, who knows?
- Shit doesn't just disappear.Copy !req
183. Has to go somewhere.Copy !req
184. And it's not an invention, it's an idea.
It's a "pie in the sky" idea.Copy !req
185. And I'll tell you something,
as your best friend...Copy !req
186. I think you should just
pull out right now.Copy !req
187. Don't waste your money.
You're gonna regret it.Copy !req
188. "It's a pie in the sky."Copy !req
189. Where are the kids?
What's happening?Copy !req
190. Honey?Copy !req
191. I have champagne glasses too.Copy !req
192. All right!Copy !req
193. What's happening?Copy !req
194. Okay, let me get it for you.
I'm gonna do everything.Copy !req
195. You just stay there and just relax
and get ready for the big stuff.Copy !req
196. - We got it.
- Okay.Copy !req
197. - Exciting.
- Watch this.Copy !req
198. I'm so glad you guys are here!
This is Dimitriov.Copy !req
199. These are our best friends
in the universe.Copy !req
200. Oh, how do you do?Copy !req
201. Give Tim the flash, big D.Copy !req
202. Okay. Here, take it.Copy !req
203. Goggles.Copy !req
204. Shine it right on her, buddy boy.Copy !req
205. "Her"?Copy !req
206. - You told me it would work and it did!
- Did you see that?Copy !req
207. It works. It works like a charm.Copy !req
208. Did you guys see that?Copy !req
209. Get a camera.
There's nothing to shoot!Copy !req
210. Spray some on my butt because
I shat my pants. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
211. We are gonna be so rich. Dimitriov!Copy !req
212. Vapoorize!Copy !req
213. God, we are gonna be so rich!Copy !req
214. No matter what kind of dog
you have, face it...Copy !req
215. they all have to do their business.Copy !req
216. Vapoorize!Copy !req
217. That's right!Copy !req
218. One spray: Problem solved.Copy !req
219. Is this some kind of video trick?Copy !req
220. No!Copy !req
221. It's the miracle spray. One spray
and doggy doo disappears.Copy !req
222. No fuss, no muss, no tools, no robot
arm. How do I work it? I don't know!Copy !req
223. - Too good to be true?
- No!Copy !req
224. Because life
is tough enough.Copy !req
225. Available at stores everywhere.Copy !req
226. Now's a good time
to break the big news.Copy !req
227. I have decided...Copy !req
228. to run for Congress.Copy !req
229. Congress.Copy !req
230. No, I'm serious.Copy !req
231. Yeah. I mean, not the big Congress,
of course, the little one.Copy !req
232. - "The little one."
- "The little one"?Copy !req
233. Yeah. Actually, it might be
the state Senate. I can't remember.Copy !req
234. Anyway, I'm super excited...Copy !req
235. because we are so lucky...Copy !req
236. and we have so, so, so much.Copy !req
237. And I feel like we need to
give something back.Copy !req
238. So I've decided I'm gonna run for
Congress or state Senate or whatever.Copy !req
239. And my main platform...Copy !req
240. is going to be...Copy !req
241. the environment.Copy !req
242. State Senate.Copy !req
243. Environment,
like the whole environment?Copy !req
244. Yeah. I believe in all environments,
and I'm gonna say it.Copy !req
245. And now for dessert.Copy !req
246. Flan!Copy !req
247. Oh, flan! Oh, boy!Copy !req
248. - Come on, kids, flan time!
- Get down here, the flan's here!Copy !req
249. Flan, kids! Flan!Copy !req
250. I love flan. Do you love flan?Copy !req
251. What is flan?Copy !req
252. Oh, my God, you are in
for such a treat.Copy !req
253. - You don't know flan?
- Eat your flan, buddy. Kids, flan!Copy !req
254. - Guys, flan's on the table!
- Flan!Copy !req
255. Flan! Flan!Copy !req
256. Flan! Yay! Flan! Flan!Copy !req
257. What's flan?Copy !req
258. "Jasper and Amos shined
the flashlight into the hole.Copy !req
259. Staring up at them, tied and gagged,
was Louie the Grouch."Copy !req
260. It's getting exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
261. Boy, that flan was good.Copy !req
262. I wish we had flan.Copy !req
263. - Dad?
- Yeah?Copy !req
264. How come we're getting
the little, itty-bitty pool?Copy !req
265. It's not a little, itty-bitty.Copy !req
266. The square one's the little, itty-bitty.
We're getting the bean-shaped model.Copy !req
267. A little, itty-bitty bean.Copy !req
268. It's not a little, itty-bitty bean.
It's an average-size bean, Mikey.Copy !req
269. And I got news for you.Copy !req
270. There are kids in the world who would
walk 50 miles through quicksand...Copy !req
271. just so they could stick a toe
in your pool.Copy !req
272. And I got news for you
about beans too.Copy !req
273. There are kids who would eat beans
because they've had nothing to eat...Copy !req
274. but leaves and bark and roots.Copy !req
275. And I guarantee you, none of them has
ever heard of your big, showoff flan...Copy !req
276. or flan, or whatever you wanna call
it, that you gotta have every night.Copy !req
277. Okay?Copy !req
278. Two thousand dollars.
That's all it would've taken.Copy !req
279. - It's okay, honey.
- Dad's just having a meltdown.Copy !req
280. Good night. Sleep tight.Copy !req
281. - I don't like English muffins.
- Eat your cereal.Copy !req
282. - Try different kinds of breakfast foods.
- But I like pancakes.Copy !req
283. - Tomorrow, we'll have pancakes.
- Fine.Copy !req
284. I don't want any more cereal.Copy !req
285. Eat up, otherwise you don't get to play
with Corky, okay?Copy !req
286. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
287. Why are you always asking "what"?Copy !req
288. - I'm not always asking "what."
- Yes, you are.Copy !req
289. It's true, Dad, you are.Copy !req
290. Well, because I know
there's something.Copy !req
291. - And you know exactly what it is.
- Then why do you say "nothing"?Copy !req
292. - Corky!
- Hold Lula's hand, honey.Copy !req
293. So beautiful.Copy !req
294. Such a great horse, Corky.Copy !req
295. Who's a good boy?Copy !req
296. Corky's a sweet and gentle horse
and me and the kids love him.Copy !req
297. Corky happens to shit
the size of a breadbasket...Copy !req
298. in our yard every day
when he comes to visit.Copy !req
299. - What are you doing?
- Nothing.Copy !req
300. Nothing at all.
I'm just throwing away...Copy !req
301. some more completely useless
inventions.Copy !req
302. Oh, for chrissake, Debbie, light?
Light? Come on!Copy !req
303. Come on! This was shit.Copy !req
304. You think Edison would've even looked
up from his bench at some shit spray?Copy !req
305. Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.Copy !req
306. Because, you see,
a good invention is a good invention!Copy !req
307. I got news for you, sister.
Edison ain't looking up.Copy !req
308. Sister? Sis—? Sister?Copy !req
309. I'm calling you sister.Copy !req
310. You should be so lucky
to be my sister.Copy !req
311. She knows what she's talking about.Copy !req
312. Windtalker or whatever her name is.Copy !req
313. - Do not call her that. It's Windsong.
- Windsong. My mistake. Windsong.Copy !req
314. Knockety, knockety.
Knock, knock, knock.Copy !req
315. How's everybody doing? Whoa!Copy !req
316. What a day, right?Copy !req
317. Oh, my God! Can you believe
the coffee that thing makes?Copy !req
318. I knew you were gonna love it.
Let's go, tiger.Copy !req
319. Oh, look who's here, will you please?Copy !req
320. Look who's here. It's okay, poopy.Copy !req
321. Have you been stealing apples again,
you little rascal?Copy !req
322. Listen, and I want you to be honest,
has Corky become a nuisance?Copy !req
323. - No.
- Not one bit.Copy !req
324. Because Natalie says,
"Keep the corral closed."Copy !req
325. But Corky's so crazy about
your apples, I don't know what to do.Copy !req
326. No more apples for you. No more—Copy !req
327. I can't stop him. He loves your apples.
Are you sure he's not a problem?Copy !req
328. - Positive.
- You guys are so fantastic.Copy !req
329. Well, my buddy boy,
let's go shoot us some golf.Copy !req
330. I got something for you.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
331. - Oh, Nick, no. Nick, please.
- Yes. You're gonna love it.Copy !req
332. You don't have to get me
anything else.Copy !req
333. When I hit it big...Copy !req
334. everyone said I should buy a house
in Beverly Hills or Bel Air or Malibu.Copy !req
335. "Why spend all that money
on a mansion in the valley?"Copy !req
336. But I love my neighborhood and being
across the street from my best friend.Copy !req
337. Do you see how it moves in the wind?
That's what I love.Copy !req
338. It flaps different than cheaper fabric.
Do you notice that?Copy !req
339. - Yeah.
- And it makes you feel better.Copy !req
340. Nice fabric makes you feel better.
That's the amazing thing.Copy !req
341. It's mind-blowing, isn't it?Copy !req
342. Nick, you buy us too much.Copy !req
343. Too much? You're my best friend.
Nice things make life nicer.Copy !req
344. All right, let's take another look
at that follow-through.Copy !req
345. I want the head down.Copy !req
346. That is nice, Nicky.Copy !req
347. - Very, very nice.
- Right?Copy !req
348. God Almighty, Mr. Dingman.Copy !req
349. Nick, can I talk to you for a second?Copy !req
350. Just take a second.Copy !req
351. Can't it just be us?
Just you and me playing golf?Copy !req
352. It's just, this is costing a fortune.Copy !req
353. Cut it out with this money thing.
It means nothing to me.Copy !req
354. Let's just enjoy it.Copy !req
355. Why can't you come with us?Copy !req
356. Because Daddy's gotta
stay home and go to work.Copy !req
357. You'll have fun at Aunt Nancy's.Copy !req
358. Aunt Windsong, and you know that.Copy !req
359. It's Aunt Windsong now.Copy !req
360. Honey. Honey, you don't have to do
this. Really. Why do this?Copy !req
361. Because I have to do this.
We have to do this.Copy !req
362. Something has to change.Copy !req
363. I can't look at you,
I can't look across the street.Copy !req
364. I'm running out of places to look.Copy !req
365. Oh, the pool people come tomorrow.Copy !req
366. Yeah, you just wait
and see this, Dad.Copy !req
367. - Who's the man? Yeah!
- You're the man.Copy !req
368. Hey, Timmy, check this out!Copy !req
369. Mr. Dingman!Copy !req
370. Mr. Parmenter wants to see you!
Section 11!Copy !req
371. You wanted to see me?Copy !req
372. - You all right?
- What?Copy !req
373. You seem distracted!Copy !req
374. - What?
- Come on!Copy !req
375. Now, your performance chart's
pretty good until here.Copy !req
376. And then your focus
nosedives into the red.Copy !req
377. You see?Copy !req
378. Now, is there anything
that happened around here...Copy !req
379. you might like to talk about?Copy !req
380. No.Copy !req
381. - You sure?
- Yeah. No.Copy !req
382. Any reason?Copy !req
383. Reason? No, I can't think of—Copy !req
384. Any reason at all?Copy !req
385. No. No reason. No.
I mean, nothing I can think of.Copy !req
386. I mean...Copy !req
387. you know, other than every day I get
into my little shit-box car...Copy !req
388. and there he is,
with the wind in his hair...Copy !req
389. on his great big, shiny horse.Copy !req
390. And I drive off to do what?
To make sandpaper.Copy !req
391. To make paper with sand on it.Copy !req
392. I'd love to see you try to turn your
weasely mouth into a fake smile...Copy !req
393. day after day after day...Copy !req
394. while waving toodly-fucking-do to
your best friend...Copy !req
395. who's rearing up on a big
white horse like he's the Lone Ranger.Copy !req
396. Then I'd like to see your
performance chart...Copy !req
397. you beady-eyed, little,
shrimp-boat bastard!Copy !req
398. Is that a reason?Copy !req
399. I mean, is that a reason?Copy !req
400. Hi.Copy !req
401. Yeah, look, I don't really drink...Copy !req
402. but my family just left me...Copy !req
403. and I got fired...Copy !req
404. and I want a drink.Copy !req
405. So if you could just give me whatever
you'd have if you wanted to drink.Copy !req
406. Please.Copy !req
407. Harsh.Copy !req
408. Abandoned.Copy !req
409. Fired.Copy !req
410. It's harsh, man.Copy !req
411. Know what the best job
I ever got fired from was?Copy !req
412. Pretzel kiosk.Copy !req
413. Afternoon shift. Just loved it,
don't know why, just did.Copy !req
414. Could be the apron,
who the hell knows?Copy !req
415. Or maybe the feeling of power you get
when there's a crowd.Copy !req
416. One hand's rolling the dough,
tying those babies off.Copy !req
417. The other hand's working the soda,
refilling the mustard. It's quite a thing.Copy !req
418. I'll tell you a secret.Copy !req
419. If a pretzel is a quality pretzel,
you don't need salt. It's just a fact.Copy !req
420. How come...Copy !req
421. your family up
and blew out of town on you?Copy !req
422. Thank you, but I don't really feel like
talking about it right now. Thank you.Copy !req
423. So how come you got canned?Copy !req
424. It's a whole different topic.Copy !req
425. I just blew up.Copy !req
426. Good for you, man.
Good for you. Good for you.Copy !req
427. Who at?Copy !req
428. I blew up at my boss.Copy !req
429. Right on, brother. I hear you.Copy !req
430. Man, I hear you!Copy !req
431. What'd you go and blow up
at your boss for?Copy !req
432. You know, it's, like, a long,
complicated story.Copy !req
433. Well, that is sensational.
I'm the J-Man, by the way.Copy !req
434. - Tim.
- Tim.Copy !req
435. Ike.Copy !req
436. Another round, please.Copy !req
437. Something fruity for me and my friend,
Tim, on the J-Man.Copy !req
438. Okay, Tim...Copy !req
439. just let it tumble out
like circus freaks, man.Copy !req
440. I'm here for you.Copy !req
441. The J-Man is zeroed in, okay?Copy !req
442. Go.Copy !req
443. Go.Copy !req
444. Well, I have this friend.
He's my best friend.Copy !req
445. I love the guy.
I mean, it's like we're— You know.Copy !req
446. Our families do everything together.Copy !req
447. - We went to work together every day.
- Good. Let it out. Keep it coming.Copy !req
448. And he'd have these stupid—Copy !req
449. He'd have these stupid ideas.Copy !req
450. Open your heart. Open your heart.Copy !req
451. Where does it come from?Copy !req
452. Shit.Copy !req
453. It's all from shit.Copy !req
454. You know who you are?
You're like that guy...Copy !req
455. Che, Che something.Copy !req
456. - "Che something"?
- Up with the people. People power.Copy !req
457. Or that kid that stole a chicken
with the golden eggs.Copy !req
458. What a fantastic chicken.Copy !req
459. Who's for the giant? Nobody.
You hear what I'm saying.Copy !req
460. You're the hero.Copy !req
461. Forget Che! You're like Robin Hood.Copy !req
462. - Robin Hood? Really?
- Listen to me.Copy !req
463. Listen to me. Life's unfair.
It's a raw-deal planet, Jack.Copy !req
464. You, my little dumbbell friend, are
Mr. Every Man and you don't know it...Copy !req
465. which makes you like
the grand turbo Mr. Every Man.Copy !req
466. - Honestly?
- Come on.Copy !req
467. You're like a great big dimwit.
You know that. Fantastic.Copy !req
468. Every Man Dimwit.Copy !req
469. That stinking family across the street.
Who wouldn't feel like you?Copy !req
470. I like you. I'm glad I came in here.
You know that?Copy !req
471. Ringlets! Give me a break.
Let me tell you a little story, my friend.Copy !req
472. When I was maybe 10...Copy !req
473. there was this kid across the street,
Ernie "Nice Kid."Copy !req
474. Ernie had everything.
Only kid around with a BB gun, okay?Copy !req
475. So one night I see
the whole family drive off.Copy !req
476. What'd I do? I sneak across the street
and find the BB gun.Copy !req
477. I squeeze off maybe five, 10 potshots
at the windows.Copy !req
478. Hello. In my house.Copy !req
479. - In your house?
- Yes, you got—Copy !req
480. You "squoze" off to your house?Copy !req
481. You got it.
Next morning my old man gets up...Copy !req
482. sees all these little BB holes
in our windows. Uh-oh.Copy !req
483. He marches across the street, bangs
on the door and, my little bozo friend...Copy !req
484. things changed big time
over there in Ernieville.Copy !req
485. That's what you gotta do!Copy !req
486. - What?
- Shake things up.Copy !req
487. Over there, man.
Shake them up.Copy !req
488. Give him something to think of besides
the temperature in the candy-ass pool.Copy !req
489. Oh, shit, what time is it?Copy !req
490. What kind of question is that?Copy !req
491. I gotta get back!
They can't build the pool!Copy !req
492. Ike, cab...Copy !req
493. on the J-Man.Copy !req
494. Excuse me!Copy !req
495. Sir! Sir!Copy !req
496. You have to stop, please.Copy !req
497. Here they come!Copy !req
498. Digging, no. We can't pay for the pool.
We don't— We can't pay for the pool.Copy !req
499. No, no. Stop! Sir!Copy !req
500. Sir, I'll talk to the office.Copy !req
501. Good afternoon, Mr. Tim.Copy !req
502. - Hi.
- You look really, really wonderful.Copy !req
503. And here is something from
your great friends across the street...Copy !req
504. while your wonderful family is away.Copy !req
505. "Thought you might enjoy a taste from
our newly acquired vineyard."Copy !req
506. You gotta shake things up.
Over there, man. Shake them up.Copy !req
507. Carousel of dreams.Copy !req
508. Casa Corky.Copy !req
509. Casa Corky.Copy !req
510. Incredible.Copy !req
511. Incredible hedge work.Copy !req
512. You gotta shake things up.Copy !req
513. Over there, man. Shake them up.
Shake things up.Copy !req
514. Shake them up.Copy !req
515. Corky.Copy !req
516. Oh, my God. How is this possible?Copy !req
517. How could a little arrow
kill a big horse?Copy !req
518. Come on, Corky.
Corky, come on, come on.Copy !req
519. It's just an arrow. Just a little arrow.
Come on, Corky.Copy !req
520. Giddyup, boy. Corky.
Giddyup. Giddyup.Copy !req
521. Corky.Copy !req
522. Okay, Corky. Okay, Corky.
Okay. Okay.Copy !req
523. Come on, boy.Copy !req
524. One, two. Come on.Copy !req
525. Shit.Copy !req
526. Shit. Oh, God.Copy !req
527. Come on! Come on, Corky.Copy !req
528. Hey.Copy !req
529. Cock-a-doodle-doo.Copy !req
530. Car return.Copy !req
531. How's that for service?Copy !req
532. I'd probably still be driving a limo
if it wasn't for the hat.Copy !req
533. Hats.Copy !req
534. Hats make my head itch.Copy !req
535. - What time is it?
- You got a time hang-up, don't you?Copy !req
536. Oh, God. Oh, look at me.Copy !req
537. I was thinking the same thing.
You are one big stinking pig, Tim.Copy !req
538. - How'd you get my keys?
- Keys?Copy !req
539. The J-Man don't usually need keys,
my little dumbbell pal.Copy !req
540. So that's the place, huh?Copy !req
541. Look at it.Copy !req
542. All from shit? I see what you mean.Copy !req
543. I don't even live here and that place
over there is pulling my testicles up.Copy !req
544. I mean, literally,
they're actually coming up.Copy !req
545. You ever get that?Copy !req
546. I killed his horse.Copy !req
547. - What?
- I killed his horse.Copy !req
548. That story you were telling about
shaking things up...Copy !req
549. I went over there
and I shot this bow and arrow...Copy !req
550. and I shot at my house,
and I hit his horse.Copy !req
551. He was eating apples in my yard.Copy !req
552. Then there was a hole, we were gonna
have a pool, and I buried him in it.Copy !req
553. - Well, now.
- Daddy! We're home!Copy !req
554. Oh, no! No, no, no.Copy !req
555. It's my family.Copy !req
556. - Hide!
- Hide?Copy !req
557. Hide! Hide.Copy !req
558. - Hide? Thought I'd just mosey off.
- No, no, no, no, no! Don't mosey off.Copy !req
559. No, you can't mosey off.
They'll see you!Copy !req
560. - So?
- So? So, what are you doing here?Copy !req
561. Who are you?
You're some guy from a bar.Copy !req
562. What's wrong with—? I'm the J-Man,
bringing your car back.Copy !req
563. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!Copy !req
564. - Hey, tiger!
- Daddy!Copy !req
565. - Hey, peanut.
- We all really missed you.Copy !req
566. You look terrible.Copy !req
567. Honey, one question.Copy !req
568. What is at the heart of everything?Copy !req
569. What I'm asking you is:Copy !req
570. What is at the heart of the heart of
the heart of the heart of the heart?Copy !req
571. Do you know what the answer is?
Self-love.Copy !req
572. See, Windsong told me that I've been
hating myself for resenting you.Copy !req
573. And you've been resenting yourself
for passing up on a big opportunity.Copy !req
574. What we need to do is we need to
focus on what we have.Copy !req
575. This is... This guy...Copy !req
576. Honey...Copy !req
577. this is... This man is the man...Copy !req
578. who was in the bathroom.
I didn't tell you.Copy !req
579. Honey...Copy !req
580. something happened while you were
gone, something really bad.Copy !req
581. - What?
- I'll take it from here, Tim.Copy !req
582. Mrs. Dingman...Copy !req
583. I'm Elmo Carp, pool rep.Copy !req
584. Your husband and I
were up here discussing...Copy !req
585. your swimming-pool options.Copy !req
586. - Swimming-pool options?
- Yes.Copy !req
587. You see, we dug it, we had to fill it
back in. We're sorry as heck.Copy !req
588. Where do we go from here? That's the
point we were at when you barged in.Copy !req
589. I don't understand. Fill it back in?Copy !req
590. So you mean we're not
getting a pool?Copy !req
591. No, sonny boy, I'm afraid not.
Too many gosh darn pipes.Copy !req
592. - Pipes?
- Yes.Copy !req
593. Underground pipes in your yard...Copy !req
594. but I've intruded enough
on your little family reunion here.Copy !req
595. I'll be on my way.Copy !req
596. Oh, and thanks for filthying up
your clothes...Copy !req
597. helping me fill in the big hole, Tim.Copy !req
598. Ma'am, your husband's got
the back of a coalminer.Copy !req
599. I know because I've mined coal.Copy !req
600. See you.Copy !req
601. - Something's happened to Corky.
- What?Copy !req
602. - Corky?
- Corky?Copy !req
603. - Have you seen Corky?
- I haven't seen Corky.Copy !req
604. - Corky's gone?
- Have you seen Corky?Copy !req
605. - I have not seen Corky.
- That's what I mean.Copy !req
606. We've been looking.
Where could he be?Copy !req
607. A great, big wonderful horse, where?Copy !req
608. Well, Nick, now a horse
can't just disappear.Copy !req
609. - He's gotta be somewhere.
- Yeah, but where?Copy !req
610. Where? Where?
The kids are a mess.Copy !req
611. Wish me luck. Corky!Copy !req
612. Corky?Copy !req
613. Corky? Corky?Copy !req
614. Good afternoon.
My name is Natalie Vanderpark...Copy !req
615. and I'm running for state Senate
in your district.Copy !req
616. So I thought I'd canvass
the neighborhood...Copy !req
617. and introduce myself to everyone.Copy !req
618. Who it is, Mable?Copy !req
619. It's that woman running
for state Senate, Carl.Copy !req
620. The shit lady? No way.
We're going with Shaunessey.Copy !req
621. Your opponent, Shaunessey, asked
a good question on the radio today.Copy !req
622. And what question was that?Copy !req
623. Well, didn't your husband get loaded
making turds disappear?Copy !req
624. My husband invented Vapoorize,
if that's what you're referring to.Copy !req
625. Yeah. That's what Shaunessey
was talking about.Copy !req
626. Where do all them turds go?Copy !req
627. I mean, they gotta be somewhere.Copy !req
628. First they're here,
then they're not here...Copy !req
629. and then they disappear.Copy !req
630. Where does the turd go to?
Really, tell me now.Copy !req
631. So long, everybody.Copy !req
632. - Bye, honey, have a good day at work.
- Bye, Daddy.Copy !req
633. Bye, honey.Copy !req
634. Good luck at the salt mines, Dad.Copy !req
635. Where am I going?Copy !req
636. Wait. Timmy, wait!Copy !req
637. Wait! Oh, God.Copy !req
638. Timmy, I can't find him.Copy !req
639. I've been looking all night,
and he's nowhere.Copy !req
640. I know he's just a horse, but...Copy !req
641. Corky.Copy !req
642. Corky! Where are you, my Corky boy?Copy !req
643. Oh, God, look at me. This is crazy.Copy !req
644. Will you pass these out
down at 3M for me?Copy !req
645. I found some...Copy !req
646. grooming hairs in his tail brush.Copy !req
647. Oh, my God.Copy !req
648. - $50,000?
- It's pennies!Copy !req
649. It's pennies. Who cares?
Corky's my pal.Copy !req
650. He's my pal and I'd pay $50,000
to find you...Copy !req
651. if you were lost, wouldn't I?Copy !req
652. - Yeah.
- Wouldn't I?Copy !req
653. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
654. It's okay. All right.Copy !req
655. It's gonna be okay.Copy !req
656. Are you insane? That— See—Copy !req
657. That is the most selfish thing
I ever heard in my life.Copy !req
658. The guy loves you, man.
You'd be killing your best friend.Copy !req
659. You killed his horse, right?
You killed his horse.Copy !req
660. Now you wanna tell him?
You tell him.Copy !req
661. What about this?
We move the horse someplace else.Copy !req
662. I find it, I get the reward.
I'm bending over backwards here.Copy !req
663. How do we move a horse?Copy !req
664. We dig him up. We haul him off.Copy !req
665. No, I mean...Copy !req
666. without anybody seeing us.Copy !req
667. You ever hear of night?Copy !req
668. What about the noise?
My family's right there.Copy !req
669. I don't want them to... I mean...Copy !req
670. You don't move the horse, I do...Copy !req
671. while you and your family
are enjoying nature...Copy !req
672. down at my cabin on the lake.Copy !req
673. - You have a cabin on the lake?
- What?Copy !req
674. You think I didn't have a childhood?Copy !req
675. Bunk beds, hiking trails, hooty owls.Copy !req
676. - You can move a horse by yourself?
- For 50 grand.Copy !req
677. Hey.Copy !req
678. But I will say this.Copy !req
679. Knowing what I happen to know
about things buried...Copy !req
680. the sooner the better.Copy !req
681. Hey, Deb?Copy !req
682. How'd you like to go to
a nice cabin on a lake?Copy !req
683. - Cabin on a lake?
- Yeah.Copy !req
684. This guy at work offered his cabin.
It's supposed to be really nice.Copy !req
685. Who at work offered you this?Copy !req
686. Jackameyer.Copy !req
687. Jack...Copy !req
688. Jack Jackameyer.Copy !req
689. It's an hour away and it's supposed
to have all sorts of wildlife...Copy !req
690. and hooty owls and stuff.Copy !req
691. Hiking trails.Copy !req
692. Where does the shit go?
We wanna know!Copy !req
693. Where does the shit go?
We wanna know!Copy !req
694. Where does the shit go?
We wanna know!Copy !req
695. Pretty incredible, huh? Whoa!Copy !req
696. Watch out. It's okay. It's okay.Copy !req
697. What a spot, huh?Copy !req
698. What do you mean, "what a spot"?
I mean, where...?Copy !req
699. He said it's just down at the end
of the private driveway.Copy !req
700. What private driveway?
This isn't a private driveway.Copy !req
701. This is pretty private, honey.
I mean, this is great.Copy !req
702. Talk about secluded.Copy !req
703. We've walked, like, a mile.Copy !req
704. It's not a mile, honey. It seems longer
because it's so beautiful.Copy !req
705. Tim!Copy !req
706. - Mommy, where's Daddy?
- I don't know, honey.Copy !req
707. - Mom, I'm thirsty.
- Okay.Copy !req
708. Tim!Copy !req
709. I found it!Copy !req
710. It's a little sloping incline
down to the—Copy !req
711. This is it?Copy !req
712. You bet this is it.Copy !req
713. This is...Copy !req
714. This is wild, huh, kids?Copy !req
715. Kind of like a— Like an old
gingerbread house in the woods.Copy !req
716. Where's the lake?Copy !req
717. I'll tell you what. Why don't we check
out the bunkhouse, okay?Copy !req
718. Then you guys can have a contest to
see who finds the lake first, all right?Copy !req
719. Winner gets 50 cents. Huh?
50 cents. Come on.Copy !req
720. Let's check it out.Copy !req
721. Okay. Weird smell.Copy !req
722. Let's hold our noses. Come on.Copy !req
723. It's okay, Mikey, come on in.Copy !req
724. - Oh, my God.
- It's okay.Copy !req
725. Just a little critter. Just—Copy !req
726. Don't touch it.Copy !req
727. He's dead. It's dead.Copy !req
728. Under no circumstances...Copy !req
729. is this a lake.Copy !req
730. Maybe there's a tide.Copy !req
731. No. No one could ever find this lake.Copy !req
732. Congratulations,
you saved yourself 50 cents.Copy !req
733. What is that?Copy !req
734. Tim?Copy !req
735. Yes?Copy !req
736. Tim?Copy !req
737. - Yes?
- You're Tim?Copy !req
738. Yes, I'm Tim.Copy !req
739. The J-Man says, "Come quick."Copy !req
740. Come quick?Copy !req
741. Yeah, come quick. That's it.Copy !req
742. Now, when you see the J-Man,
you tell him we're even.Copy !req
743. And Bosco says,
"Up your ass with Mobil gas."Copy !req
744. Okay.Copy !req
745. What will you tell the J-Man
when you see him?Copy !req
746. I'm gonna tell him that
Bosco says, "We're even...Copy !req
747. and up your ass with Mobil gas."Copy !req
748. Mobil gas.Copy !req
749. It's Jack's neighbor,
he needs some help.Copy !req
750. - Neighbor?
- Yeah, that's right, Bosco.Copy !req
751. He's as nice as Jack, but his car's
stuck so I'm gonna go help him, okay?Copy !req
752. I didn't see any neighbors.Copy !req
753. What? You think Bosco would lie?Copy !req
754. Why would Bosco lie?
I'll go get him right now if you want.Copy !req
755. Okay.Copy !req
756. - Okay?
- Yes.Copy !req
757. Yes, I'd like to ask him
about this hellhole.Copy !req
758. I don't wanna bring him in here.
He's big.Copy !req
759. - You know, the floorboards.
- How big?Copy !req
760. - How big?
- Yes.Copy !req
761. Big. He's like a bear of a guy with,
like, a little head.Copy !req
762. I don't know what that means.Copy !req
763. Look, I'm gonna go help this guy...Copy !req
764. because Windsong would
sure as hell help this guy. Okay?Copy !req
765. I'm gonna be back.
Just go back to sleep, okay?Copy !req
766. - What's wrong?
- It's for you.Copy !req
767. And don't hassle me
about crumbs, man...Copy !req
768. because I am on
the edge of the edge.Copy !req
769. - Hello?
- Natalie stormed out of the bedroom.Copy !req
770. We had a terrible fight.
You gotta come over here now.Copy !req
771. I know you got your Army pal
over there.Copy !req
772. I didn't know you were in the Army.
I can come—Copy !req
773. No, no, no. I'll come there.
I'll come there.Copy !req
774. Okay, good. Thanks.Copy !req
775. No, no, no. I'm coming over.
I'll come there. Here I come.Copy !req
776. - I gotta go across the street a second.
- No.Copy !req
777. That is incorrect. Follow me.Copy !req
778. This was no picnic, let me tell you.Copy !req
779. I had an '88 Ford flatbed all lined up
with a brand-new winch...Copy !req
780. but I fried it during the hotwire,
goddamn it.Copy !req
781. Good thing Monk passed out...Copy !req
782. or I'd never got this baby.Copy !req
783. What in the shit is this?Copy !req
784. What is it?Copy !req
785. It's winches, hoists, pulleys,
blocks and tackles. This kind of thing.Copy !req
786. You know how I got the idea?Copy !req
787. You know those big things
on Easter Island?Copy !req
788. Easter Island?Copy !req
789. Easter Island.Copy !req
790. With this device, I can place
that horse on top of any object.Copy !req
791. That truck's too high.
You won't get the horse in there.Copy !req
792. You're like a specially trained
super agent. You know that?Copy !req
793. Why do you think I called you?Copy !req
794. I was so pissed off.Copy !req
795. I nearly climbed back into your house
and smashed some plates.Copy !req
796. Stand warned, okay, stand warned.Copy !req
797. I have to go over there for a minute
or you don't get your money.Copy !req
798. - Do you want your money?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
799. Then put that horse on top of my van.
There's rope and a tarp in the garage.Copy !req
800. - Put the horse on the van?
- Put the horse on the van.Copy !req
801. - Rope.
- Yeah, and don't make noise. Simple.Copy !req
802. - All right? I'll be right back.
- Yeah.Copy !req
803. Oh, hello, Mr. Tim.Copy !req
804. You're looking very sprightly
for the hour.Copy !req
805. We go up the stairs, please.Copy !req
806. Right this way.Copy !req
807. I've never been in this part.Copy !req
808. They are practicing
for the tournament.Copy !req
809. Come on!Copy !req
810. Yes!Copy !req
811. Who's your nanny?Copy !req
812. Hey.Copy !req
813. Come.Copy !req
814. Come here.Copy !req
815. Right here, come on.Copy !req
816. You're incredible, do you know that?
You're an incredible friend.Copy !req
817. - What the hell was that?
- They're bowling next door.Copy !req
818. Getting ready for your tournament.Copy !req
819. - The tournament.
- They're hitting strikes.Copy !req
820. - She's been blaming me for Corky.
- Who?Copy !req
821. She just— Natalie— She just kept
blaming me for Corky...Copy !req
822. and making me feel guilty.
Then she starts up with the shit thing.Copy !req
823. How do I know where the shit goes?Copy !req
824. Then I tell her, "I'm going to Rome
tomorrow," and she freaks out!Copy !req
825. She has a complete flip out!
She flips out the room!Copy !req
826. - Where'd she go?
- I don't know.Copy !req
827. Some other wing. This—Copy !req
828. But, buddy...Copy !req
829. this Italy thing is huge.
It could— Seriously...Copy !req
830. it could mean literally billions.Copy !req
831. You know what I think this is?
I think you just gotta get some sleep.Copy !req
832. You gotta shut everything down.
Get under the covers. Come on.Copy !req
833. Get under the covers.
Don't listen to anything.Copy !req
834. - Sometimes you think you hear things.
- You're a great friend.Copy !req
835. Sleep and it's gonna be different
and don't wake up. Okay?Copy !req
836. Et cetera.Copy !req
837. - What about here? Right here?
- You kidding? There's towns around.Copy !req
838. You want somebody else
finding my horse?Copy !req
839. There's gonna be towns everywhere.Copy !req
840. Hey, six months I drove a yogurt truck,
okay? This is my territory, Jack.Copy !req
841. What do you got up there?Copy !req
842. A sofa.Copy !req
843. What kind of sofa?Copy !req
844. Homemade.Copy !req
845. - Oh, my God. What is this?
- Troopers.Copy !req
846. Oh, no. No, no, no.Copy !req
847. The bridge is out.Copy !req
848. Follow the detour along the river
to the next bridge, all right?Copy !req
849. - Thank you very much. Good night.
- Let's go.Copy !req
850. He didn't notice the horse.Copy !req
851. Smokey didn't even notice
that we got a horse on the roof.Copy !req
852. - I can't believe he didn't see it.
- Some Smokey.Copy !req
853. - Okay, how about right here?
- No, it's not good.Copy !req
854. - What's wrong with right here?
- It doesn't feel right.Copy !req
855. I hope it's buried soon. I gotta be back
there— It's gonna be light out—Copy !req
856. They're asleep. No one knows you left.
I'm doing you a favor doing this.Copy !req
857. How about here?
What's wrong with here?Copy !req
858. I dig up the horse, I haul it up,
I invent everything.Copy !req
859. Why do we have to do
what you wanna do?Copy !req
860. - This is Corky's new home.
- This is not good for me.Copy !req
861. - Forget it. This is it, right here. Okay?
- Bad vibe.Copy !req
862. Oh, no! He's gone!Copy !req
863. Where'd he go?Copy !req
864. - Did you hear anything?
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
865. Like a thump?Copy !req
866. Where did he go?Copy !req
867. Oh, shit!Copy !req
868. - Did you check the knots?
- Knots? Who knows knots?Copy !req
869. - Not you.
- Oh, you know, I'm not Popeye.Copy !req
870. How did we not hear? How do you
not hear a horse fall off a car?Copy !req
871. Maybe he's not dead.
Maybe he ran away.Copy !req
872. It's raining so hard, the horse might
have fallen off...Copy !req
873. and floated, who knows,
into a ditch.Copy !req
874. There's a river that runs along
this road. He could be in it.Copy !req
875. Corky could be heading
for the open sea.Copy !req
876. Oh, my God, honey.
What time is it?Copy !req
877. It's okay. Go back to sleep.Copy !req
878. Yeah?Copy !req
879. Did you solve the problem?Copy !req
880. - Yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
881. Actually...Copy !req
882. I think I did.Copy !req
883. Timmy! Telephone!Copy !req
884. Good morning, Mr. Tim.Copy !req
885. I must say...Copy !req
886. you're looking fit as a fiddle
this morning, Mr. Tim.Copy !req
887. Thanks. I was told
Mr. Nick wants to see me.Copy !req
888. Yes, I know.Copy !req
889. He's running in the woods.Copy !req
890. Okay, I talked to the guys over at 3M.
I know you got canned.Copy !req
891. - You've met Pete, right? My trainer.
- Hi.Copy !req
892. Hey, don't feel funny around Pete.
I got no secrets from Pete.Copy !req
893. - Do I, Pete?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
894. So here's the deal.
Buddy boy...Copy !req
895. that my little hearty "hi-ho Silver"
routine had that kind of affect on you...Copy !req
896. man, all I can say is
I am such a jerk.Copy !req
897. But it's the best thing to ever happen
because I'm gonna kick ass in Rome.Copy !req
898. And guess what. You unemployed
bum, you'll come kick ass with me.Copy !req
899. Because I want us to be partners.Copy !req
900. I want us to be equal again, man.Copy !req
901. Why not? I mean, for crying out loud,
I've got a Pete.Copy !req
902. Why shouldn't you have a Pete?
Who wouldn't like to have a Pete?Copy !req
903. So this is the deal.
From now on, you and me, 50-50.Copy !req
904. - Fifty-fifty?
- That's right. Fifty-fifty.Copy !req
905. I'll talk to my lawyer. Why didn't I
think of it sooner? It's awesome!Copy !req
906. Get the hell out of here, the limo
leaves in an hour and a half!Copy !req
907. Buddy boy! Let's go, buddy boy!Copy !req
908. All right. Come on. Now, pump it up.
I want full cardio blast now.Copy !req
909. - Let's go.
- Don't be shy.Copy !req
910. There you go.Copy !req
911. No, keep going! Keep it there!Copy !req
912. - Crampers. Crampers.
- You all right?Copy !req
913. I don't know, honey. I mean, do we
wanna be part of the shit industry?Copy !req
914. What about the heart of the heart
of the heart of the heart?Copy !req
915. I don't think this conflicts with that.
I mean, you know, there's...Copy !req
916. It's a lot of money and the heart
of the heart, and they're both...Copy !req
917. Still have the heart
with a lot of money.Copy !req
918. I think.Copy !req
919. - You know.
- You know what I think?Copy !req
920. I think I know what we should do.
I think we should just try it.Copy !req
921. - Try it!
- Yes.Copy !req
922. - Try it. Try it.
- Try it.Copy !req
923. - Try it. We see how it feels.
- Try it.Copy !req
924. Oh, my God, I can't believe it!Copy !req
925. - Bye, Daddy.
- We'll miss you.Copy !req
926. - We miss you already.
- I'll be home soon.Copy !req
927. Good to see you, captain.Copy !req
928. Know what I'm thinking?
I think we should target zoos.Copy !req
929. Thank you, Denise. Zoos?Copy !req
930. Yeah, zoos. I mean,
come on, they're full of poop.Copy !req
931. I popped on the Internet
just before we got on the plane.Copy !req
932. Did you know that an elephant goes,
like, 100 pounds a day?Copy !req
933. Times that by seven, it's 700 pounds
of dung a week for one elephant.Copy !req
934. There's gotta be thousands
of zoos in the world.Copy !req
935. That is really very good. Zoos.Copy !req
936. - I got another one for you.
- Yeah?Copy !req
937. Travel industry.
We get into the travel industry.Copy !req
938. I'm talking about little
travel-size Vapoorize.Copy !req
939. You mean, like the cute little
shampoo bottles?Copy !req
940. - Exactly.
- God, that's so simple and awesome!Copy !req
941. You're on a trip,
you wanna walk through Venice.Copy !req
942. You step in dog doo, you wanna
spray it. What do you do?Copy !req
943. - You take out a travel-size Vapoorize.
- That's it!Copy !req
944. A little Velcro holster
you put on your belt.Copy !req
945. Right next to your cell phone,
your pager, your Vapoorize.Copy !req
946. You can walk the dog hands-free and
not worry about carrying Vapoorize.Copy !req
947. - I love a holster.
- Accessorize with Vapoorize.Copy !req
948. Hold on. Hold on.
Let me take it from here.Copy !req
949. You're walking along
A-doodley dooCopy !req
950. All of a sudden
You stepped in pooCopy !req
951. You don't know what to doCopy !req
952. - Whaddya do?
- I don't know what to doCopy !req
953. Vapoorize
VapoorizeCopy !req
954. Mountain-scented VapoorizeCopy !req
955. VapoorizeCopy !req
956. - What is the "dooka-dooka"...?
- I thought there would be drums...Copy !req
957. Come on. Look at this place.Copy !req
958. Go check out your bedroom.Copy !req
959. Wow.Copy !req
960. Vapoorize.Copy !req
961. Vapoorize.Copy !req
962. Shopping.Copy !req
963. - Gucci.
- Gucci. Here, here, here.Copy !req
964. This would look great in the back yard
next to the bug tent. We'll take it.Copy !req
965. - I would love to buy this.
- It's great. Pay the man.Copy !req
966. It makes the whole house.
It makes the yard. With the sound.Copy !req
967. Well, it's ridiculous, but that's
what I love about it. I like this.Copy !req
968. —with the Dow off 11 and
the NASDAQ up five and a half.Copy !req
969. All in all, a rather sluggish day
on Wall Street.Copy !req
970. On the international front, investors
are watching Vanderpark Enterprises.Copy !req
971. CEO Nicholas Vanderpark
and his new partner, Tim Dingman...Copy !req
972. arrive in Italy to introduce
to Europe...Copy !req
973. their complete line
of fecal-removing product...Copy !req
974. that's had such remarkable
success in the United States.Copy !req
975. The American entrepreneurs
have reason to be hopeful.Copy !req
976. They were greeted with great
enthusiasm everywhere, and fanfare.Copy !req
977. Later, they'll be feted at a banquet to
be held in the presidential palace.Copy !req
978. He says, "I noticed when
we climbed into the tub...Copy !req
979. our three penises were
quite similar in size and bulk."Copy !req
980. He say, "And I thought to myself:Copy !req
981. 'Good. Good.'"Copy !req
982. Envy is a funny, funny thing.Copy !req
983. He say, "I remember
when I was a teenager...Copy !req
984. my friend Armando and I
spent the summer in New York.Copy !req
985. A sweet time of life."Copy !req
986. The minister, he says:Copy !req
987. "I must tell you, my friend Armando
had a hog like a freight train."Copy !req
988. "What a hog."Copy !req
989. He says, "And I must
tell you secretly...Copy !req
990. Armando's freight-train-size
manhood...Copy !req
991. made me, with a regular-size one,
quite miserable."Copy !req
992. "Not all the time miserable,
of course, but sometimes."Copy !req
993. This call has been transferred to you.Copy !req
994. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
995. - Hello?
- Turbo Every Man, my ass.Copy !req
996. I'll tell you another thing.
Where do you get off?Copy !req
997. I bought you drinks.Copy !req
998. You vacation in my bungalow
and now you go jump ship.Copy !req
999. Screw Robin Hood, you hear me?Copy !req
1000. Screw the Merry Men.
You're a stinko pinko.Copy !req
1001. Turncoat!Copy !req
1002. Here's what I do, Mr. Traitor.
Remember Lester?Copy !req
1003. He pumped our gas
when we moved the sofa.Copy !req
1004. Not a tooth in his head, nice fella.Copy !req
1005. - Remember him now?
- I do. Yes. Yep.Copy !req
1006. Good. For $50,000,
Lester keeps thinking it's a sofa.Copy !req
1007. And me and him don't
go spill the beans...Copy !req
1008. to your big hoity-toity pal
across the street.Copy !req
1009. Let's be very clear on this.Copy !req
1010. I want $50,000...Copy !req
1011. or I tell your friend
you killed his horse.Copy !req
1012. Debbie? Deb, I'm home.Copy !req
1013. Sweetheart, I've been "liposucked."Copy !req
1014. Can you tell? Can you?
Does it look good?Copy !req
1015. Dr. Weitzman is supposed to be
a genius, and it didn't even really hurt.Copy !req
1016. And that is not all. Come.
I am so excited.Copy !req
1017. Here's a little gift I bought for us.Copy !req
1018. A little 50-50 surprise.Copy !req
1019. - My big, international partner.
- Debbie.Copy !req
1020. - I wanna do it on the laundry.
- Where are the kids?Copy !req
1021. At mother's, honey. It's just us.Copy !req
1022. Come lie on the warm pile.
It's all fresh, clean out of the dryer.Copy !req
1023. I will lie with you after I tell you
something important.Copy !req
1024. I got drunk, and I accidentally
killed Corky.Copy !req
1025. I buried him in the swimming-pool
hole in the back yard.Copy !req
1026. The pool guy, he's actually
some bum I met at a bar.Copy !req
1027. Nick, where does it go?Copy !req
1028. - What?
- The shit.Copy !req
1029. - Where does the shit go?
- Up.Copy !req
1030. "Up" is not good enough.
You'll have to do better than "up."Copy !req
1031. - Up and out.
- Out where?Copy !req
1032. Up and out. Out.
Up and out.Copy !req
1033. - Up and out?
- Up and out.Copy !req
1034. But the bum wants $50,000 or he'll tell
and we won't have a chance to be rich.Copy !req
1035. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1036. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1037. Go and pay the bum.Copy !req
1038. - Go pay the bum now.
- Go pay the bum?Copy !req
1039. - Honey, I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
1040. Bye, bye, bye, bye. What?Copy !req
1041. You don't know this guy.
I mean, he's not like other people.Copy !req
1042. What if we pay him
and then he wants more?Copy !req
1043. Then we will give him more.Copy !req
1044. What if he wants more after that?Copy !req
1045. We'll give him more money because
we'll have enough money to give him.Copy !req
1046. But it'll never end with him.
He'll be in our lives forever.Copy !req
1047. Tim, if he tells Nick, it'll all be over.
You know, what else can we do?Copy !req
1048. We fess up.Copy !req
1049. - Fess up?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1050. Yeah. No, no, no. We fess up.
We fess up. We tell Nick.Copy !req
1051. Put ourselves in their hands,
ask for forgiveness.Copy !req
1052. - Forgiveness?
- Yes.Copy !req
1053. Honey, you killed his horse!Copy !req
1054. I'm telling him everything.Copy !req
1055. No, sweetheart! Please.
Please don't do it to me.Copy !req
1056. I love my car in the garage.
It's got heated seats.Copy !req
1057. And I've got shoes. I've got bags.Copy !req
1058. - Knock, knock.
- Clothes.Copy !req
1059. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1060. Look at you two.Copy !req
1061. Oh, God, I'm so envious of you!Copy !req
1062. You've gotta give Natalie a talk.Copy !req
1063. She's locked herself in the bathroom,
and I want what you have so bad!Copy !req
1064. - I want some of that!
- Okay.Copy !req
1065. Don't say a word.
Not a word. Not a word. Okay?Copy !req
1066. Everywhere I go, they're yelling at me,
"Where does the shit go?"Copy !req
1067. And we don't know!
What if my opponent's right?Copy !req
1068. - What if we are polluting?
- Natalie...Copy !req
1069. the only thing this guy Shaunessey's
got going for him is your own guilt.Copy !req
1070. Guilt that you're wealthy.Copy !req
1071. You know what, we're partners now,
and we have money too.Copy !req
1072. And you know what we're
gonna do with ours?Copy !req
1073. We're gonna sponsor the biggest rally
for you that this town has ever seen.Copy !req
1074. Then we are gonna
throw out this challenge.Copy !req
1075. We are gonna say
that if anyone can say...Copy !req
1076. that Vapoorize does damage
to anything...Copy !req
1077. then Natalie Vanderpark
will cease to be a candidate.Copy !req
1078. May I suggest we put on
our dancing shoes?Copy !req
1079. Oh, honey!Copy !req
1080. I love you.Copy !req
1081. So how was the flight?
Was it enjoyable?Copy !req
1082. Yeah, it was fine.
It was very smooth.Copy !req
1083. Everything went fine.
Here's what I gotta tell you.Copy !req
1084. We'll pay you the money, okay?
We got it all worked out.Copy !req
1085. That is sensational news,
my little gypsy-roving friend.Copy !req
1086. But I've revised my thinking
about the 50-grand thing.Copy !req
1087. I can't accept that.Copy !req
1088. I mean, what are we, animals?Copy !req
1089. - What? No, we're not animals.
- No, of course not.Copy !req
1090. What we are is pals.Copy !req
1091. You slept in my bunk.Copy !req
1092. I ate some of your crackers.Copy !req
1093. We sang in the rain.Copy !req
1094. - Yes, I remember.
- That's when we were buddies.Copy !req
1095. Last week? Yeah. I remember.Copy !req
1096. So, what I'm saying is
to hell with the flat-cash payout.Copy !req
1097. I say let's be partners.Copy !req
1098. - Partners?
- Why not?Copy !req
1099. What do you mean, "partners"?Copy !req
1100. You, me, your other so-called friend
in a cozy little triumvirate.Copy !req
1101. Am I using the word correctly?Copy !req
1102. No. Listen to me. We're not partners.
How can we be partners? We don't—Copy !req
1103. We'll iron out the details
when I come over later.Copy !req
1104. This evening.
Who the hell knows exactly when.Copy !req
1105. - You're not coming over here.
- Yes.Copy !req
1106. And don't you worry, buddy partner.
I'll smooth out the rough parts.Copy !req
1107. - You wanna talk? I'll come to you.
- Oh, yes!Copy !req
1108. - Where are you?
- I'm coming over.Copy !req
1109. - You're not coming over.
- Don't you worry, buddy.Copy !req
1110. We'll put pen to paper. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1111. - Listen to me.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
1112. There are no rough parts to smooth.
What? Hello?Copy !req
1113. Oh, God.Copy !req
1114. All right. I gotta tell Nick.
I'm just gonna tell him.Copy !req
1115. Come on, honey.Copy !req
1116. Start with your hips.Copy !req
1117. Come on.Copy !req
1118. Mr. Vanderpark!Copy !req
1119. Mr. Vanderpark! The merry-go-round
is acting up again.Copy !req
1120. I hate that thing. I hate it.Copy !req
1121. Timmy, I'm sorry,
we gotta deal with it.Copy !req
1122. Nick, I gotta talk to you.
I did something really stupid, Nick.Copy !req
1123. You won't believe what happened.
This is the stupidest, most ridiculous—Copy !req
1124. That wife of yours, man,
she was incredible.Copy !req
1125. But I don't care how much money we
make, don't buy one of these. It's junk.Copy !req
1126. It just keeps on speeding up
for no reason.Copy !req
1127. - Nick, I gotta talk to you.
- And the on-off button's in the middle!Copy !req
1128. - I did a horrible thing.
- The thing is in the middle.Copy !req
1129. - Here goes. All right, come on.
- Nick!Copy !req
1130. Nick!Copy !req
1131. - Hang on!
- I can't hold on much longer!Copy !req
1132. - Nick, are you okay?
- Ribs.Copy !req
1133. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I'm fine.Copy !req
1134. Goddamned bas—Copy !req
1135. Bastard, bitch merry-go-round.
Stupid merry-go-round!Copy !req
1136. - Listen, I gotta talk to you.
- Stupid, crappy, stupid thing.Copy !req
1137. I feel really guilty. I've been
feeling guilty for a long time.Copy !req
1138. - It's impossible to turn it off.
- I did something really stupid.Copy !req
1139. - Where's the switch?
- I hate you, merry-go-round.Copy !req
1140. It's in the middle of the thing.
It's impossible to turn off.Copy !req
1141. - Where's the button?
- In the middle.Copy !req
1142. I'll turn it off, then we're gonna talk.Copy !req
1143. I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
1144. Timmy.Copy !req
1145. Oh, man, are you all right?
Let me help you up there.Copy !req
1146. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy. All right.Copy !req
1147. - You okay? Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1148. It knocked the wind out of you.
You went flying off of that thing.Copy !req
1149. Now, listen. I don't wanna let this
ruin our jolly feeling.Copy !req
1150. Let's go back in there and talk about
this fantastic rally.Copy !req
1151. - No. You see this bow and arrow?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1152. - One night...
- Yeah?Copy !req
1153. One night—Copy !req
1154. I'm so ashamed of this. But one night—Copy !req
1155. My God!Copy !req
1156. Oh, man! I told you
it was a piece of junk!Copy !req
1157. - I'm glad we weren't on it.
- What?Copy !req
1158. - I said, I'm glad we weren't on it.
- I can't hear. Are your ears ringing?Copy !req
1159. - No.
- Boy, mine are.Copy !req
1160. What was it you were
saying, my fine friend?Copy !req
1161. What I was saying is that one night
I got drunk. All right?Copy !req
1162. Being drunk had nothing to do with it.
I can't even explain it.Copy !req
1163. Wait, you know what?
I'm thinking it's just one ear.Copy !req
1164. I hear you way better
when I turn like this. Talk to me.Copy !req
1165. That night I got drunk and I was
aiming this arrow at my house.Copy !req
1166. No, it's both ears.Copy !req
1167. - What are you doing?
- Trying to tell you.Copy !req
1168. I pulled it back,
I aimed at the house, I did this.Copy !req
1169. Nick, Nathan and Nellie
want you to kiss their boo-boos.Copy !req
1170. Wait, I heard that.Copy !req
1171. - Nick.
- I'm coming!Copy !req
1172. That was not a smart thing to do.Copy !req
1173. - I know!
- Come on.Copy !req
1174. No, Nick! I gotta tell—Copy !req
1175. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1176. - Timmy, honey!
- What?Copy !req
1177. Where are you?Copy !req
1178. Timmy. Honey, I got it.
Definitely in the hips.Copy !req
1179. Timmy, where have you been?Copy !req
1180. - I killed the bum.
- What?Copy !req
1181. The bum. I shot an arrow.Copy !req
1182. It went up, it went down.
It's in the bum. I killed him.Copy !req
1183. Come. Come. Come. Come.Copy !req
1184. - Did you work out a deal with him?
- No! He's dead.Copy !req
1185. It's in his back. The arrow. I shot him.
I killed him. I killed a person!Copy !req
1186. What? Is this a joke?Copy !req
1187. I don't get your jokes sometimes.Copy !req
1188. And I'll tell you something.
I don't think it's always me.Copy !req
1189. - Hurry up! Come on!
- Honey!Copy !req
1190. - Hurry. Get in the house.
- No, no. Stop! What are you doing?Copy !req
1191. Wait! He could be in the house.Copy !req
1192. - There's nobody there! Oh, God.
- Car! He's wounded! He's crazy!Copy !req
1193. - Honey, this is really insane.
- Here! Get in! Get in!Copy !req
1194. Excuse me.Copy !req
1195. This'll take half a second.
Could you tell me...Copy !req
1196. what's sticking in my back, please?Copy !req
1197. - A arrow.
- Fricking nitwit.Copy !req
1198. Look, I'm being stalked
by a genuine madman, okay?Copy !req
1199. I'm talking about a black force here.Copy !req
1200. I hate spoiling the atmosphere,
but would you mind...Copy !req
1201. tugging the arrow out?Copy !req
1202. I want you to stop the car.Copy !req
1203. Honey, stop the car right now!Copy !req
1204. - Look. The guy's crazy.
- There is no dead man!Copy !req
1205. He's a loose cannon.Copy !req
1206. Excuse me.Copy !req
1207. Oh, my God,
there is a bum with an arrow.Copy !req
1208. He looks afraid of us.Copy !req
1209. You ever hear of "reach for the sky"?Copy !req
1210. You just shoot a guy in the back
with no warning.Copy !req
1211. That's right.Copy !req
1212. That's correct. That's right.
That's what I do.Copy !req
1213. Well, then, good God Almighty...Copy !req
1214. we have entered, indeed,
into a dark day.Copy !req
1215. You gotta talk to him.Copy !req
1216. We were pals.Copy !req
1217. Who shoots a pal in the back
with a bow and arrow...Copy !req
1218. - ... over a couple of bucks?
- Me.Copy !req
1219. I'm an archer, and I shoot arrows.Copy !req
1220. And I got more back where
they came from, in my quiver.Copy !req
1221. You gotta listen to me.
I just wanted what you wanted.Copy !req
1222. A little taste of the good life.Copy !req
1223. A little taste of honey.
Is that so bad? Is it?Copy !req
1224. But you win.Copy !req
1225. Man, I fold, I can see it.
Greed has hardened your heart.Copy !req
1226. And money's poisoned your soul.Copy !req
1227. I'm out of here.Copy !req
1228. There's nothing as dangerous
as large quantities of money.Copy !req
1229. That's why I've always remained an
independent contractor, odd-job man.Copy !req
1230. I want no part of this.Copy !req
1231. I stand before you, begging...Copy !req
1232. take the arrow out of my back.Copy !req
1233. You will never see me again.Copy !req
1234. Help me, God! Come on.Copy !req
1235. Honey...Copy !req
1236. take the arrow out of his back.Copy !req
1237. Thank you.Copy !req
1238. - Thank you.
- Souvenir.Copy !req
1239. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1240. I couldn't sleep. I gotta talk to you.Copy !req
1241. Yeah, I gotta talk to you too.Copy !req
1242. You know, this big rally tomorrow,
I'm a wreck about it.Copy !req
1243. I gotta give a big speech.
I'm not a speech guy.Copy !req
1244. Nick, are you kidding?
Come on, those infomercials you did.Copy !req
1245. You're great in front of people.Copy !req
1246. Really? You thought I was good?
You never said a word about it.Copy !req
1247. Because it was just another thing of
yours that made me miserable.Copy !req
1248. What?Copy !req
1249. This is what I have to
talk to you about. Sit.Copy !req
1250. I killed Corky.Copy !req
1251. You k—?Copy !req
1252. When—?Copy !req
1253. Now, please, just don't say anything
till I'm done, all right?Copy !req
1254. The day that you gave me the wine,
remember?Copy !req
1255. I got drunk on the wine.
I actually was drunk from before.Copy !req
1256. And I went over into your yard,
and I was— I—Copy !req
1257. So that's it. There you have it.Copy !req
1258. Well, you know, it sounds like it was
an accident. Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
1259. I should've told you. That's the thing.Copy !req
1260. But I don't know what happened.Copy !req
1261. I felt guilty or something.Copy !req
1262. And I was just so wrapped up in the
envy that I felt for everything you had.Copy !req
1263. I mean, it's true what they say.Copy !req
1264. It's like a little green monster that
comes out, and it poisoned my head.Copy !req
1265. I mean— And by the way,
you did nothing wrong.Copy !req
1266. You just followed your dream.
You did what you wanted to do.Copy !req
1267. I was always saying, "Don't do it, don't
do it." And you did it and it worked.Copy !req
1268. It worked. You built a house, right?
That's all you did. You built a house.Copy !req
1269. I mean, it's a big house. I mean, it's
a really big house. It's a large house.Copy !req
1270. It's a— I mean, it's...Copy !req
1271. It's gigantic, Nick.Copy !req
1272. You built the White House across the
street, and we're in the shadow of it.Copy !req
1273. I mean, literally, every day, 4:00,
we're in the shadow of it.Copy !req
1274. And that's not your fault.Copy !req
1275. You wanted to be friends still and you
didn't wanna move, and I love that.Copy !req
1276. It was coming from such
a good place, but it—Copy !req
1277. It got to me because every day
I'd have to look at you...Copy !req
1278. and see you with all of this stuff.Copy !req
1279. You know, buy the yellow Lamborghini
that goes 500 miles an hour.Copy !req
1280. Have a bowling alley next to
your bedroom. If I could, I would.Copy !req
1281. Everybody should have a
merry-go-round. You should have one.Copy !req
1282. Jealousy every day.
And it was just chewing me up.Copy !req
1283. I mean, your kid's playing the concert
piano, my kid's banging trash cans.Copy !req
1284. That has nothing to do with money.Copy !req
1285. I think that's just his musical ability.
But that's another thing.Copy !req
1286. And you just gave to us. You gave
and you gave, and you're so generous.Copy !req
1287. And what am I gonna give you?Copy !req
1288. I gave you tube socks for Christmas
last year. That's not gonna work.Copy !req
1289. I like the socks.Copy !req
1290. You gave us so much.
The coffee machine.Copy !req
1291. It's a beautiful, giant,
rocket-ship-sized coffee machine.Copy !req
1292. And Debbie loved the coffee.
I'll tell you something. I never tasted it.Copy !req
1293. I wanted to say that for a long time.Copy !req
1294. It's that bad. I can't tell you,
I didn't try the coffee.Copy !req
1295. Like I'll feel better if I won't
drink your coffee.Copy !req
1296. And you gave our kids flan.
All of a sudden my son's going:Copy !req
1297. "Daddy, where's the flan?
I want the flan."Copy !req
1298. It felt like a dagger in my heart
every time he'd request flan.Copy !req
1299. It made me feel little. I felt like
a little man who didn't like flan.Copy !req
1300. The horse was great, Nick.
Of course you should have a horse.Copy !req
1301. Does it have to be a white horse
that you come galloping up on...Copy !req
1302. and it neighs and makes
the whole thing?Copy !req
1303. Of course. Make it a beautiful horse
that I think, honestly, didn't like me.Copy !req
1304. It had nothing to do with anything
except I didn't click with the horse.Copy !req
1305. I think the horse sensed something.
I think horse sense is a real thing.Copy !req
1306. Because the horse had a feeling.
He came and sensed the envy I felt.Copy !req
1307. He'd come over and eat the apples.
He'd look at me and give a weird look.Copy !req
1308. I'm telling you. You know sometimes
the side of a face, you get one eye?Copy !req
1309. He would keep the eye on me, and
I knew that he was thinking something.Copy !req
1310. That has nothing to do with the arrow.
That was an accident, Nick.Copy !req
1311. I swear to God. I swear to God.
I couldn't do it if I tried.Copy !req
1312. I'm sorry about this. I feel horrible.Copy !req
1313. I feel bad.Copy !req
1314. I feel like I have this fountain
in my yard that I don't deserve.Copy !req
1315. I don't deserve to be your partner.Copy !req
1316. I don't deserve to be your friend.
I just...Copy !req
1317. Well, you know what, Tim?
You made a mistake.Copy !req
1318. You're human.
Everyone makes mistakes.Copy !req
1319. So what, man?
You're still my best friend.Copy !req
1320. - Really?
- Of course.Copy !req
1321. Of course. Come on, man.Copy !req
1322. It was a big mistake. I mean—Copy !req
1323. It was a big mistake. It was a doozy.Copy !req
1324. Corky.Copy !req
1325. - I'm sorry, Nick.
- No, no. It's okay.Copy !req
1326. I know how much you loved him,
and I...Copy !req
1327. I did love Corky.Copy !req
1328. I never liked Corky.Copy !req
1329. I mean, he's beautiful on the outside.
It's just something wasn't—Copy !req
1330. Well, we're still partners.Copy !req
1331. There is no way you are
getting out of this partnership.Copy !req
1332. - Okay.
- Okay?Copy !req
1333. And I will see you tomorrow
at the big rally.Copy !req
1334. - Yeah.
- Good.Copy !req
1335. Big day.Copy !req
1336. Big day. Poor Corky.Copy !req
1337. One little target arrow. You wouldn't
think that could kill a great big horse.Copy !req
1338. That's exactly what I thought.Copy !req
1339. It's one little arrow,
and when I shot the bum...Copy !req
1340. he hardly seemed to notice.Copy !req
1341. You know, that fountain looked a lot
better in Rome.Copy !req
1342. - Yeah.
- Well...Copy !req
1343. C'est la vie, as the Romans say.Copy !req
1344. On this beautiful, clear day...Copy !req
1345. I think it is appropriate
that we clear the air...Copy !req
1346. of the toxic distortions...Copy !req
1347. that my husband,
and by association, myself...Copy !req
1348. are somehow poisoning our
environment in our efforts to purify it.Copy !req
1349. It's not true.Copy !req
1350. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1351. please help me welcome Nick
Vanderpark and Tim Dingman.Copy !req
1352. Thank you.Copy !req
1353. Ladies and gentlemen, young people.Copy !req
1354. I stand here with my partner,
Tim Dingman...Copy !req
1355. that's right...Copy !req
1356. grateful for this opportunity to
address the central question...Copy !req
1357. posed in so many colorful...Copy !req
1358. and eloquent variations.Copy !req
1359. Where is the shit?Copy !req
1360. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1361. Nick. Nick!Copy !req
1362. Corky?Copy !req
1363. Mr. and Mrs. Vanderpark,
sorry we had to perform an autopsy...Copy !req
1364. but when any dead animal comes
in proximity with the general public...Copy !req
1365. it must be examined immediately
for health reasons.Copy !req
1366. I'm a little curious. Did you feed
your horse a lot of apples?Copy !req
1367. Our neighbors have an apple tree.
Corky loved their apples.Copy !req
1368. - Did he ever defecate in their yard?
- I imagine.Copy !req
1369. Can you tell me what you did when
the horse defecated in your yard?Copy !req
1370. Well, we used Vapoorize
because Nick invented it.Copy !req
1371. We get crates of it for free.Copy !req
1372. Well, it's all making sense.Copy !req
1373. The horse was poisoned.Copy !req
1374. We did find a broken shaft of
a small target arrow in the sternum...Copy !req
1375. but that played no part in the death.Copy !req
1376. The horse died from the prolonged
ingesting of a certain chemical...Copy !req
1377. which by itself is harmless, but when
combined with certain fecal bacteria...Copy !req
1378. becomes a lethal poison.Copy !req
1379. A little person?Copy !req
1380. Lethal poison.Copy !req
1381. That chemical, I'm afraid...Copy !req
1382. is the third ingredient in every can
of your so-called miracle invention.Copy !req
1383. He had enough of it, literally,
to kill a horse.Copy !req
1384. I am obligated, of course,
to report this to the EPA, huh?Copy !req
1385. EPA?Copy !req
1386. Environmental Protection Agency?Copy !req
1387. Do you have to do that?
You have to— Right. You have to.Copy !req
1388. - It's all right.
- Every time without exception?Copy !req
1389. And the following item,
an extra large bed...Copy !req
1390. that sleeps nine comfortably...Copy !req
1391. for, let's say, $100.Copy !req
1392. X-L bed, sleeping nine.
Gotta love it for $100.Copy !req
1393. $72, anyone, for this white statue
of a man on a horse with a spray can?Copy !req
1394. Seventy-two, anyone? No?Copy !req
1395. Anybody need a portable phone?
Everyone needs one.Copy !req
1396. You want one in your kitchen,
in your extra bedroom.Copy !req
1397. You got a portable phone right there.
It's gonna go for $5.Copy !req
1398. The next thing is item 31.Copy !req
1399. I like this bug net. Why don't we
find out the estimated cost.Copy !req
1400. Oh, we've got two cases...Copy !req
1401. of a semi-gourmet flan.Copy !req
1402. I believe that's some sort of
custard dish or something.Copy !req
1403. The semi-gourmet flan is gonna start
the bidding at $4.Copy !req
1404. - Nick?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1405. I think I have an idea.Copy !req
1406. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1407. - Like a really big idea.
- Really?Copy !req
1408. When you got your idea,
did you feel it immediately?Copy !req
1409. Oh, yeah. Right away.Copy !req
1410. You got one of those?
Like one of my ideas?Copy !req
1411. - I think so.
- What is it?Copy !req
1412. Yes!Copy !req
1413. Hey. Hey! Stop the auction!Copy !req
1414. You just cannot eat flan
and drive at the same time.Copy !req
1415. Look, I've got flan all over me.Copy !req
1416. Can't somebody come up
with a better idea?Copy !req
1417. We have.Copy !req
1418. That's right!Copy !req
1419. Be one of the millions...Copy !req
1420. enjoying the taste sensation
that's sweeping the nation.Copy !req
1421. Nick's talking about Pocket Flan!Copy !req
1422. Pocket Flan!Copy !req
1423. - No spoon, no mess!
- That's right.Copy !req
1424. Three simple steps, folks.Copy !req
1425. - Just flip it!
- Flip it!Copy !req
1426. - Squeeze it!
- Squeeze it!Copy !req
1427. - And enjoy.
- Enjoy!Copy !req
1428. Wait a second, Tim.
What was that name again?Copy !req
1429. Pocket Flan!Copy !req
1430. Isn't that just fantastic?Copy !req
1431. No, Nick, it's not fantastic.
It's "flan-tastic."Copy !req
1432. Yeah, but, Tim, Nick,
I have a question.Copy !req
1433. How about us who are
lactose-intolerant?Copy !req
1434. We've got a new
soy-based Pocket Flan.Copy !req
1435. It's flan in a tube.Copy !req
1436. It's a little bit of happiness
in a tube.Copy !req
1437. Let's say I'm jogging.Copy !req
1438. I'm getting kind of tired,
I need a pick-me-up.Copy !req
1439. What am I gonna do,
get a candy bar?Copy !req
1440. Imagine if you were jogging
with some of this stuff.Copy !req
1441. What's going on?
It's not gonna work.Copy !req
1442. Here's the other thing.Copy !req
1443. You're eating your flan,
you're like, "That's good.Copy !req
1444. I wanna get down there,
where it's brown and super sugary."Copy !req
1445. Where do you—? I can't—Copy !req
1446. In here we've mixed it up. You've got
all that. It's already premixed.Copy !req
1447. The brown is always part of it,
even if you don't see it.Copy !req
1448. In the Tour de France, they're going
20 miles a day, going up mountains.Copy !req
1449. What do you think they're pulling out
of their Spandex bikini bottom...Copy !req
1450. to squeeze in their mouth
when they wanna eat?Copy !req
1451. Pocket Flan!Copy !req
1452. And here's another question. What if
I'm doing some skydiving, and I'm like:Copy !req
1453. "I gotta get some— I'm gonna get
some cornflakes.Copy !req
1454. I don't have time for cornflakes.
I do have time for flan."Copy !req
1455. That's right. I would love to see this.Copy !req
1456. This was vacuum-tested to a depth
of 200 feet, if you're scuba diving.Copy !req
1457. Just the other day, I see this kid
walking down the street.Copy !req
1458. - He has the Pocket Flan. Right?
- Right.Copy !req
1459. He squeezes it, he's on a skateboard.
He squeezes it.Copy !req
1460. It arcs up. He goes like— And—Copy !req
1461. That's like a new trick.
That's a new skateboard trick.Copy !req
1462. Who here likes to drive?
You guys like to drive? Yeah.Copy !req
1463. Who here likes to drive race cars?
Anybody? All right.Copy !req
1464. I'm Captain Speedway...Copy !req
1465. and nothing tastes better at 200
miles per hour than Pocket Flan.Copy !req
1466. Firemen. "I gotta go save someone.
Maybe I need a little extra something."Copy !req
1467. "Wait. Where will I put my hose?
I can't hold the hose and this thing.Copy !req
1468. Where's the hose go?Copy !req
1469. I put a hose under my arm
and then I'm trying to fight the fire—"Copy !req
1470. This is on a serious note.Copy !req
1471. Recently we received a letter
from a woman, Gladys...Copy !req
1472. who...Copy !req
1473. Well, Pocket Flan saved her life.Copy !req
1474. All right.Copy !req
1475. She was a backpacker.
She was stuck out in the woods...Copy !req
1476. and, by God, Pocket Flan—Copy !req
1477. I can't think of it.Copy !req
1478. I wanted to say some tearful thing,
but I couldn't think of the thing.Copy !req