- 1. Well, all right. Look at all that
beautiful, white stuff come down.
- 2. Christmas is right around the corner
- 3. and Chanukah starts tonight.
- 4. Ain't a better time of year.
- 5. You got no school, you can eat
like a pig and people give you stuff.
- 6. Just makes you feel tingly all over.
- 7. But you know what?
- 8. There are some buffoons out there who
actually can't stand the holiday season.
- 9. And seeing other people
enjoy the festivities
- 10. gets them even more disgusted.
- 11. In fact, the head honcho of holiday
- 12. lives right here in little old Dukesberry.
His name's Davey Stone.
- 13. That fool's in the China Dragon
- 14. coming up with his own way
of feeling tingly all over.
- 15. Four scorpion bowl in five minute?
That's got to be a restaurant record.
- 16. Well, right now I'm going to go for
another restaurant record: longest burp.
- 17. Congratulations. Now, please excuse me
while I go take shower.
- 18. At one time, Davey was a super student,
- 19. super sweet, super kid and the apple
of his parents' eye.
- 20. Now, he's just a 33-year-old,
crazy Jewish guy
- 21. who lives for making this town
as miserable as he is
- 22. especially on the first night
- 23. How'd he end up this way?
Let's save that for later
- 24. because right now, Davey's about to
get himself into some serious trouble.
- 25. Hope you're not planning on driving
- 26. No, officer. I'm just going to say
good night to my car
- 27. then walk home and enjoy
the holiday decorations.
- 28. Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you
here alone tonight
- 29. but don't you worry, I'll be back
first thing in the morning.
- 30. Now, behave yourself,
and don't stay up too late.
- 31. Nighty-night.
- 32. All right, baby. But let's make this quick.
- 33. Oh, mama!
- 34. You like it when I hold you like this?
- 35. Because I'll do it all night long.
- 36. So sweet.
- 37. Yes, so precious.
- 38. I love you, car.
- 39. He dine and dash me! He chew and
screw me! He sip and skip me!
- 40. What?
He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.
- 41. Oh, boy.
- 42. Get him.
- 43. Come back here, you jerk!
- 44. Somebody stop that guy!
- 45. I'm the kind of guy who can't stand
- 46. So I drink them all away, that's me
- 47. I don't decorate no trees
- 48. And I won't eat no potato latkes
- 49. But I'll give this old lady's melons
- 50. That's just who I am
- 51. Well, I'll never spin a dreidel,
But I'll always throw an egg
- 52. And I'll charley horse your leg for laughs
- 53. While you're singing your holiday tunes
- 54. I'm acting like the town buffoon
- 55. Whipping out my big, white, scary moon
- 56. And blowing a beef your way
- 57. I hate folks who think reindeer are cute
- 58. To me they're just something to shoot
- 59. I hate love
- 60. I hate you
- 61. I hate me
- 62. Well, I'm a snowmobile-stealing
- 63. No 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy
- 64. This time of year sucks
So I take my nunchaks
- 65. And make sure every snowman dies
- 66. Believing in Santa's all wrong
- 67. And Chanukah's eight nights too long
- 68. I hate love
- 69. I hate you
- 70. I hate me
- 71. Coming through.
- 72. I hate love
- 73. I hate you
- 74. I hate me
- 75. Davey Stone, you're nothing
but a delinquent!
- 76. Stone, what the heck are we
going to do with you?
- 77. I've sent you to reform school, the drunk
tank, the local psychiatric ward.
- 78. Not one of those places has made you
change an ounce for the better.
- 79. You used to be a good kid
- 80. playing ball for the Jewish Community
Center, with the best shot ever seen.
- 81. Your Honor, I still got a pretty good
jump shot. Let me show you.
- 82. I'd hit a 3-pointer, but I'd
have to drop my pants
- 83. and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
- 84. You leave me no choice. I'll really
have to crack down hard this time.
- 85. Your Honor, if it pleases the court,
I'd like to interject for a moment.
- 86. What the hell was that? Did anybody
hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
- 87. No, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duvall.
- 88. And a happy first night of Chanukah
- 89. I'm not Jewish.
- 90. Neither am I, but that don't stop me
from enjoying a holiday.
- 91. Whitey, we went over this
two months ago.
- 92. It's your last year of reffing
the youth league basketball.
- 93. You're turning 70 years old
- 94. and our insurance company says
they won't cover you anymore.
- 95. No, no, no.
- 96. My interjection pertains to the case
currently under adjudication.
- 97. You see, I knew this young man
- 98. when his moral fiber was still intact.
- 99. What are you getting at?
- 100. Why not sentence him to be a
referee-in-training for youth basketball?
- 101. I've seen some pretty rowdy kids
turn into perfect gentlemen
- 102. after spending time on my court.
- 103. If that happened with Stone,
it would be a miracle.
- 104. It's the holidays. Things like that have
been known to happen this time of year.
- 105. Whitey, if you want to work with
this punk, then God bless you.
- 106. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.
- 107. And if I hear that you break one law
- 108. I'll send you to the state
penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
- 109. Happy holidays.
- 110. Oh, God.
- 111. The short man who's kind
and the donkey's behind.
- 112. What a bizarre matchup.
Good luck, Whitey. You'll need it.
- 113. Okay, let's give the little guy
- 114. Did I just see two Persian cats
on your ass?
- 115. I think I'm going to barf.
- 116. Your horn works, try the lights.
- 117. Okay.
- 118. One. Two.
- 119. Good to see you still got circus feet.
- 120. Men's 11 right foot, children's
9 left foot
- 121. at your service.
- 122. Yuck.
- 123. Now, I assume you've done
your pre-game stretching.
- 124. No, let me do it right now.
- 125. One. Two. Three.
- 126. Four. Five. Six.
- 127. Okay. That's good, but don't forget
- 128. Of course Whitey wouldn't understand
what getting flipped off means.
- 129. He's so behind the times,
he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall.
- 130. But there is one thing he knows.
- 131. The voting has begun for the highest
honor anyone in town could receive.
- 132. I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey.
I really do.
- 133. Whoa. Don't even think of coming
on this floor with those hard soles, pally.
- 134. Fine, I'll just ref in my socks.
- 135. Must be game time.
- 136. Don't let him push your buttons, Whitey.
- 137. What are you waiting for?
- 138. Come on. Dribble!
- 139. What, no whistle on that one, ref?
- 140. Okay.
- 141. Foul on this kid for eating
everything in sight.
- 142. Jelly jugs, next time you come on
my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?
- 143. He was just kidding, son.
You've got very nice boobs.
- 144. Jerk!
- 145. You don't like that? How about you
throw something at me. I dare you.
- 146. With pleasure!
- 147. They're scratching up my floor.
Here comes a seizure.
- 148. This will pass in a second, kids.
- 149. Don't be scared.
- 150. Is he break dancing?
- 151. Okay, that's it. Game over.
Nobody wants to see an old man die.
- 152. Fatty's team loses because
I want to see him cry again.
- 153. I want to talk to you in my office.
- 154. Why the hell are we at the mall?
- 155. You need to clean your brain out.
- 156. And to me, the mall is the best place
to do that.
- 157. What's good about this place?
- 158. What's good about it? Everything.
You want a pair of socks?
- 159. My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker,
will warm your feet.
- 160. You need a fancy doodad?
- 161. Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the
combination pogo sticklclock radio.
- 162. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack
- 163. GNC, RadioShack
- 164. Petland for a cat or two,
Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo
- 165. Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts,
they're simply the best.
- 166. And don't forget the orange
chicken at Panda Express.
- 167. But if you're short of cash
like little old me
- 168. the window shopping's always free.
- 169. Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?
- 170. Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?
- 171. Maybe you are a leprechaun.
- 172. Let's just get some snacks and chat.
- 173. Aren't you a boy?
- 174. Now, I'd like to make this work out.
- 175. But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learn
- 176. that youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.
- 177. It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.
- 178. I've been doing my part for 35 years.
- 179. Are you ready to join me, big guy?
- 180. Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.
- 181. Special delivery for Whitey Duvall,
- 182. Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.
- 183. My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic
- 184. and out of respect for her and her
disease, I don't eat sugar products.
- 185. There's a surprise in there you'll like.
- 186. Don't tell me it's Bavarian cream-filled.
- 187. It is Bavarian cream-filled!
- 188. Hubba-bubba!
- 189. These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.
- 190. Why are you hiding over there?
- 191. It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.
- 192. Hi, Whitey. I got another Chanukah
- 193. Wow, Benjamin, an Etch A Sketch.
Not too shabby.
- 194. That's a Game Boy, you idiot.
- 195. Sorry, I'm not up
on modern technology.
- 196. But I guess my friend Davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.
- 197. First night, I got a basketball
and some dreidels.
- 198. Night two, I got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.
- 199. And tonight, I got this.
- 200. Wow. Maybe on night four the Chanukah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.
- 201. Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
- 202. Come and help me
clean the muffin trays.
- 203. Bye, Whitey.
See you at the game tomorrow.
- 204. Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.
- 205. Technical foul! Technical foul!
- 206. That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!
- 207. Easy.
- 208. She's going through a tough time now.
- 209. Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves her
- 210. for a woman he met on the computer.
- 211. She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.
- 212. So she's available?
- 213. You wish, mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.
- 214. Twenty years?
- 215. Was that Jennifer Friedman?
- 216. I'm surprised you have enough
brain cells left to remember.
- 217. Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to
watch 'Dukes of Hazzard' after the game?
- 218. That's a big 10-4, Davey.
- 219. Hey, Davey.
- 220. Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.
- 221. Thanks, honey.
- 222. If my parents fall asleep early,
I'll show you my basement.
- 223. Keep dreaming.
- 224. They make a nice couple
- 225. I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.
- 226. Good evening, Mayor Stuey Duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?
- 227. Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.
- 228. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
- 229. I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.
- 230. Yeah, right.
- 231. Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or?
- 232. That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.
- 233. All right, I'm going to get going now.
- 234. Happy holidays, your excellence.
- 235. Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is Spencer's Gifts.
- 236. They definitely have furry underwear.
- 237. You're gross.
- 238. Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "It could be you"
- 239. there was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or?
- 240. You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?
- 241. It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.
- 242. Can you imagine?
- 243. Won't you dance with me
- 244. At the annual all-star banquet?
- 245. We'll be so fancy-free
- 246. At the annual all-star banquet
- 247. Everyone in town will be looking
- 248. Even Mrs. Selman with her one
- 249. It's the kind of a night when your
- 250. When you feel nearly 5-foot-3!
- 251. They'll laugh and they'll dance
And they'll pee in their pants
- 252. 'Cause there's a patch at the
All-star banquet waiting for me
- 253. Can you take me home now?
- 254. Well, that was nice of Davey to snap
Whitey out of his little dream.
- 255. All that song was saying was
the patch means the world to Whitey.
- 256. He'd rather be remembered
for his hard work
- 257. not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.
- 258. Can you blame him?
- 259. How's that peanut brittle?
- 260. Crunchy and delicious.
- 261. Funny, I don't remember Denise
or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.
- 262. I guess that means I stole it.
- 263. Easy, seizure-boy!
- 264. That's it. I'm calling the judge.
- 265. Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.
- 266. Maybe I'll just take you in myself.
- 267. Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.
- 268. Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.
- 269. Put me down! Put me down!
- 270. And get out of my car right now!
- 271. Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? That's where I live, idiot!
- 272. Thanks for the ride, patchy.
- 273. It was great patching with you.
- 274. And I guess I'll patch you later.
- 275. I'm letting this one go, Stone.
- 276. But next screwup, it's slammer time.
- 277. Got any sand or rock salt in there?
- 278. I need to get some traction.
- 279. "Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause I need to get some-"
- 280. Oh, shut up!
- 281. He could've at least given me a push
- 282. closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its Jewish viewers
- 283. the very happiest of Chanukahs.
- 284. Boo!
- 285. Hey!
- 286. A little help, fellas?
- 287. One. Two. Three!
- 288. Have a holly, jolly one, guys.
- 289. Doesn't it make you feel good
- 290. when you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?
- 291. But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up
- 292. because his sister, Eleanore,
gets a little edgy when he's late.
- 293. Whitey, where were you?
- 294. You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
I already called the morgue.
- 295. They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.
- 296. I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.
- 297. The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
who stole my Liz Taylor wig?
- 298. Eleanore, that was 45 years ago.
- 299. I'm still shaking from it.
- 300. Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chance
- 301. I might receive the patch this year.
- 302. Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.
- 303. First position. Second position.
- 304. See you later, smell.
- 305. Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.
- 306. I can handle myself,
Eleanore. Trust me.
- 307. When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the Vegas Strip
- 308. you'll have a big electric bill.
- 309. And being a volunteer referee
for the youth basketball league
- 310. doesn't exactly get you
in the Fortune 500.
- 311. So old Whitey's up early every day,
searching the town for odd jobs
- 312. to help make ends meet
for him and Eleanore.
- 313. How's that, fellas?
- 314. It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.
- 315. You got it.
- 316. Whoops.
- 317. Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.
- 318. Let's go get some coffee.
- 319. Anything else I can do for you guys?
- 320. If you clean out the crappers,
I'll give you a buck.
- 321. Consider it done.
Nice doing business with you.
- 322. That's what happens
when you hit the bottle.
- 323. You go to sleep in Dukesberry,
you wake up in Pukesberry.
- 324. Pukesberry.
- 325. Hey. What are you do..? No!
- 326. The worst has happened.
I'm covered in human feces.
- 327. That's a good look for you. But for
health reasons, I should spray you off.
- 328. Smell you later, poopsicle.
- 329. You're a fricking degenerate.
- 330. I know I am.
- 331. A little help, please.
- 332. Your tongues tickle.
- 333. They tickle.
- 334. You are right. That was gross.
- 335. Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.
Why'd you tell me to come?
- 336. I thought you could use a refresher
course on b-ball rules and regulations.
- 337. You're nuts. I'm going to pound a few.
First of all, you booze, you lose.
- 338. And secondly, if you don't turn around
- 339. Officer Sherman over there'll know of
the infamous peanut brittle incident.
- 340. What's with the dunkin' munchkin?
- 341. His mom had to do a double shift so I'm
watching him till she can get here.
- 342. Now, both of you cop a squat
next to me and let's observe.
- 343. Take it! Take it!
- 344. Charging! Our ball.
- 345. See, that wasn't a charge.
It was actually blocking.
- 346. The defender didn't have both feet
planted in time.
- 347. Oh, really? Because I thought
that was high-sticking.
- 348. Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's
upset because he can't play no more.
- 349. Twenty years of drinking destroyed
the basketball lobe of his brain.
- 350. I can whup any of those clowns
out there even with you as my partner.
- 351. I'd like to see that.
- 352. I'd like to see that right now.
- 353. He was just kidding, fellas.
Whole lot of jibber jabber.
- 354. We got no beef with you guys.
- 355. Because if a midget and a drunk
can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.
- 356. No, he don't play ball anymore.
- 357. I'll play. But if we win, you got
to eat that guy's jockstrap.
- 358. First to five wins. We're shirts.
- 359. Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?
- 360. I don't see any skin, monkey-man.
- 361. Just pass me the ball.
- 362. All right, Fuzzy Wuzzy.
- 363. All right, simmer down, Whitey.
Don't travel. Don't double dribble.
- 364. I want a good, clean game
and no back talk.
- 365. Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.
- 366. He's right. Look for your opening
and take it.
- 367. There it is!
- 368. Now set yourself and shoot.
- 369. Oh, no.
- 370. Are you finally dead, old man?
- 371. I'll be over to feed the cats
in the morning
- 372. Mrs. Addison.
- 373. Okay, he's useless.
- 374. One more thing.
- 375. Good kitty. Nice kitty.
- 376. Muffin boy, what's your real name?
- 377. Benjamin.
- 378. You're in. Let's go.
- 379. You're trading in the midget for a spaz?
- 380. This is going to be even sadder.
- 381. We'll see. Your ball.
- 382. Oops.
- 383. I'm not very good.
- 384. That's all right. Just try to stay
confident, and if I say shoot it, shoot it.
- 385. Game on.
- 386. He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny.
- 387. Good luck, chump.
- 388. I'll take that.
- 389. Put it up.
- 390. Coming through!
- 391. That's all right, just keep your
elbow in. Now stick it, kid.
- 392. Yeah!
- 393. Looks like you better start
showing the spaz some respect.
- 394. Just keep playing.
- 395. Where am I going, baby?
Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.
- 396. Trap him.
I'm on it.
- 397. It's all you, buddy.
- 398. I hope you all like your
jockstraps extra sweaty.
- 399. One. Two.
- 400. Three.
- 401. You wanna win this or not?
- 402. Well, then cover the nerd.
- 403. The saga continues.
- 404. Not this time, little man.
- 405. Hey, look what I still got.
- 406. Yeah, good coverage.
- 407. What a shot.
- 408. I call that the
- 409. Hold it now. Hold it now.
- 410. Where's it going now?
- 411. How's he doing that?
- 412. Oh, boy.
- 413. Put it up, Ben.
- 414. Got a piece!
- 415. Bam! Got a piece of my ass.
- 416. Shut up!
- 417. One more basket and it's chow time,
- 418. Let's bring it home.
- 419. You're my boy, Benny.
- 420. Whoa, little Iverson.
- 421. Double up on Stone!
You got it!
- 422. Put it up, Benny.
- 423. What's happening?
- 424. No!
- 425. You gotta be kidding me!
- 426. Yeah!
- 427. Now say what I told you to say.
- 428. Eat that nut-strap, bitch!
- 429. Benjamin!
- 430. Don't ever use that kind of language
again. Do you hear me?
- 431. I'm sorry.
- 432. He's just having some fun.
- 433. Cursing and acting like a jerk may be
your idea of fun, but it won't be his.
- 434. One Davey Stone
around here is enough.
- 435. My finger's in your mouth, kitty
- 436. but I don't feel no teeth.
- 437. Let's go, Benjamin.
- 438. Why are you eating that?
- 439. You know, my mother doesn't
like you very much.
- 440. You know, I don't like me
very much either.
- 441. Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq.
- 442. Why was she looking at me like that?
- 443. How could they let that guy
work with kids?
- 444. Giving me those nasty eyes.
- 445. I was being nice to her kid.
- 446. They should have locked
him up for good.
- 447. At least she was looking at me.
That felt all right.
- 448. Why can't he just be like he used to be?
- 449. It all seems so long ago
- 450. Young and happy don't you know
- 451. Down by the creek I would show
- 452. Fireflies to that girl
- 453. But that was back when he was nice
- 454. Before my warm heart turned to ice
- 455. My sister's wig once had lice
- 456. But that was long ago
- 457. The schoolyard's where we were
- 458. The first time I kissed her
- 459. He thought he got some tongue
- 460. But it was only retainer
- 461. Eleanore's bra is a trainer
- 462. Well, over there's my family home
- 463. And the woods we used to roam
- 464. The only time I had
sex was on the phone
- 465. But that was long ago
- 466. I carved our names upon that tree
- 467. I loved him and he loved me
- 468. My darling wife was once a he
- 469. But that was long ago
- 470. He'd always whisper in my ear
- 471. But then I started drinking beer
- 472. My jewels got licked by six frisky deer
- 473. Now he's just a loner and a liar
- 474. And my trailer's caught on fire
- 475. Fire?
- 476. Oh, my God!
- 477. Be careful!
- 478. Maybe it's some kind of sign.
- 479. After all, Chanukah is
the festival of lights.
- 480. I should stick you on
a twig and roast you.
- 481. Just get back in my car. You'll stay
with me and my sister for a while.
- 482. I ain't living with you buffoons.
- 483. What other options do you got, Mr.
- 484. Hello?
Hi, is Ophelia there?
- 485. Ophelia who?
- 486. Oh, feel my hiney?
- 487. You hoodlums better bring my
wig back! I know it was you!
- 488. It's a home-invasion robbery!
- 489. Take whatever you want, but please
don't chop my legs off!
- 490. It's okay, Eleanore, it's okay.
- 491. Whitey, thank God you're here. We're
being robbed by a lunatic.
- 492. Mister, if you're going to kill us, take
off your wet shoes.
- 493. They're soaking the carpet.
- 494. Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new
- 495. The criminal? Did he force you to
bring him here so he could molest you?
- 496. His home just went up in flames. So I
invited him to stay with us for a while.
- 497. Okay, but I'm making an inventory
- 498. of every single item in this house.
- 499. Fascinating.
- 500. Look! He already stole something.
He's hiding it in his jacket.
- 501. I didn't steal this.
It's a card my parents gave me.
- 502. So why don't you go stay with them?
- 503. They died.
- 504. My bad.
- 505. Here's to you guys for letting me
- 506. Alcohol in our house?
This is never going to work.
- 507. It will. We just need to set some rules
so Davey knows how we do things here.
- 508. I'm scared.
- 509. Look. You gotta understand it's just
been me and Eleanore for 67 years
- 510. so she gets nervous around
- 511. I wouldn't show that picture to anyone
- 512. or they may try to take you two back
to the laboratory.
- 513. Listen. We got rules in this house
- 514. and you better follow them or you'll
find yourself out of here.
- 515. This might be harder than I thought.
- 516. If you're coming from the street
With dirty shoes on your feet
- 517. That's a technical foul
- 518. If you switch the radio to some
"Modern" music show
- 519. That's a technical foul
- 520. If you don't shut the door
- 521. After using the 'frigerator
- 522. That's a technical foul
- 523. A technical foul
- 524. If you touch the thermostat
- 525. You'll get hit with a bat
- 526. 'Cause that's a technical foul
- 527. You will feel my wrath
- 528. If your hair clogs the drain
You'll know the meaning of pain
- 529. 'Cause that's a technical foul
- 530. I'll show you no mercy
- 531. Ho! This is such bullshit
- 532. In this house we say "bullspit"
- 533. Or it's a technical foul
- 534. A technical foul
- 535. Let me get this straight. You expect me
to change my lifestyle in one night
- 536. because you guys are a couple of
psychotic control freaks?
- 537. You got it, bub.
Or you can go rot in the gutter.
- 538. It's up to you, Yankee Doodle.
I don't want to do that
- 539. but let me run a few questions by you
so I don't screw up accidentally.
- 540. If I don't spray Lysol
After moving a bowel?
- 541. That's a technical foul
- 542. If I decide to wash my ass
With your monogrammed towel?
- 543. That's a technical foul
Please, say "hiney."
- 544. If I make fun of your crazy feeties
- 545. Or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes
- 546. That's not only a technical foul
- 547. But possibly a homicide
- 548. Can I sleep past 3?
- 549. If you do, you'll get a T
- 550. Take a whiz in those flowers?
I'll say, "Hit the showers"
- 551. Use this horn as a bong?
Adiós, Tommy Chong
- 552. Make some long-distance calls?
- 553. You'll get a kick in the balls
- 554. Can I walk around with
My morning erection?
- 555. If you want an automatic ejection
- 556. 'Cause that's a technical foul
- 557. But I'd like to see it anyway
- 558. Just kidding.
- 559. There are certain rules
Which apply in one's life
- 560. With your sister, friends
Or imaginary wife
- 561. I can't believe I haven't killed myself
- 562. Here with Wigs McGee and the furry elf
- 563. They took my wig
- 564. I remember the look in their eyes
- 565. I guess I'll have to deal
With your demands
- 566. But please don't touch me
With your alien hands
- 567. I got no right to growl
- 568. The whistle, she's on the prowl
- 569. Without my wig, I look like an owl
- 570. Oh, my God.
Don't laugh at her.
- 571. Or it's a technical foul
- 572. A technical foul
- 573. Davey will have to make the best of this.
- 574. I guess I got to make the best of this.
See. I told you.
- 575. But that shouldn't be too hard for him.
Even loners need company sometimes.
- 576. Shaving the chest.
- 577. Nobody needs a uni-brow.
- 578. This is going to scare her silly.
- 579. Yeah, it is.
- 580. Peanuts for me?
- 581. Wish we were taller, Eleanore?
I can't reach the cobwebs.
- 582. Thank you, Davey.
No problem, Eleanore.
- 583. Good one, Eleanore.
- 584. Here you go.
Thanks. Have a good day.
- 585. Good luck, old man.
- 586. Now I can understand wrapping
the cornmeal around the hot dog
- 587. but why the heck would they shove
this stick in here?
- 588. I'm getting exhausted
trying to cut around it.
- 589. You're supposed to hold the stick
and just eat the corn dog off of it.
- 590. How futuristic.
- 591. Oh, my God.
- 592. Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.
- 593. Thank you.
- 594. Hey, Benny!
- 595. Nice game against Saint Catherine's
today. How many buckets you score?
- 596. Fourteen.
- 597. You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.
- 598. You just got to keep your elbows in.
- 599. That's my man.
- 600. Hey, you two, just doing circles.
- 601. Oopsy-doodle!
- 602. Yeah!
- 603. I haven't done that in a while.
- 604. Maybe I'm so excited about the banquet
tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.
- 605. You'll extra-oomph yourself right into
another seizure if you don't calm down.
- 606. He'll be all right. How'd you get
so good on the ice, anyways?
- 607. In the '50s I reffed youth hockey
for a couple of seasons.
- 608. Until a wrist shot caught him in the
back of the skull.
- 609. Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.
- 610. He was in a coma for three months.
- 611. I needed the rest anyway.
- 612. Could I get a lift from you, partner?
- 613. Sure.
- 614. So, Davey, did you play the hockey
when you were a child?
- 615. No, hockey players get up too early.
- 616. This guy's sport always was and
always will be basketball.
- 617. Back in '81
- 618. he was the star of what is still
known to this very day
- 619. as the JCC miracle game.
- 620. Oh, my.
- 621. The JCC was down by 24 points.
- 622. The bad news is we stand no chance
of winning this game.
- 623. The good news is it's Chanukah, so
you'll all get presents tonight anyway.
- 624. Speaking of presents
- 625. our parents come to all our games
even though we always lose.
- 626. So I was thinking
- 627. maybe tonight we could try to win one
for them. You know, as a gift.
- 628. The only way that'll happen is if you
take all the shots.
- 629. Well, if you guys don't mind
- 630. It's okay with us.
Go for it. You got it.
- 631. Let's win!
- 632. Where are your parents, anyways?
- 633. I don't know. Hopefully, out
getting me an Atari.
- 634. All right, Davey!
- 635. Come on!
- 636. We'll take that.
- 637. Not today.
- 638. That kind of shooting makes me
want to do the robot dance.
- 639. Nice story. You can stop now.
- 640. No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.
- 641. Can we just go? I'm cold.
- 642. I want to hear what happens next.
It's like a fairy tale.
- 643. Unfortunately, this fairy tale
doesn't have a happy ending.
- 644. Davey was wondering
where his parents were.
- 645. Turns out they were on their way
to the ball game
- 646. when a truck hit a patch of black ice
and swerved into oncoming traffic.
- 647. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically
couldn't get out of the way in time.
- 648. I couldn't believe something
- 649. could happen to a kid that nice.
- 650. He walked right through that door
and into foster home after foster home
- 651. until his 18th birthday.
- 652. Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.
What in heaven's name did you do?
- 653. Let's just get off of this.
- 654. He didn't know how to handle it.
- 655. What 12-year-old kid would?
He basically shut down.
- 656. Davey, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
- 657. There's nothing to say.
My parents are dead.
- 658. Happy Chanukah.
Now, leave me alone.
- 659. That's the saddest story I've ever heard.
- 660. I'm out of here.
I don't need this sympathy crap.
- 661. Maybe it's time you stop running
from your emotions.
- 662. I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies
- 663. who won't shut up about something
that isn't their business.
- 664. You know, I read recently
in 'Reader's Digest'
- 665. that people who let themselves cry
when they're hurting
- 666. are often stronger than the people
- 667. who try to hold all their pain inside.
- 668. Did you read about a deformed referee
who spends 35 years
- 669. trying to win some stupid patch
- 670. so he can pretend people
actually like him?
- 671. Which month was that in?
- 672. Take that back.
- 673. If they have an award for the
freakiest looking fraternal twins
- 674. who no one even gives a crap about,
you two are definitely winning.
- 675. But that patch thing ain't ever
gonna happen for you
- 676. because the truth is, nobody
in this town even knows you exist!
- 677. You're an animal.
- 678. And you're bald!
- 679. Not again!
- 680. You're not welcome in my house.
- 681. Good, your house sucks!
- 682. Do you have to be nasty to everyone
who tries to help you?
- 683. That's my problem.
- 684. He just a no-goodnik.
- 685. And I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.
- 686. Wow. Just when you started to really
like Davey, he has a butthole relapse.
- 687. Hey, fellas.
- 688. You know, Eleanore really does
look like an owl.
- 689. Sorry.
- 690. Cheer up, Eleanore.
Let's just get ready for the banquet.
- 691. It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,
- 692. You're a good deer.
- 693. Let's try the red wig. And please,
don't crap on my carpet.
- 694. Well, while Whitey and Eleanore
are getting ready for the banquet
- 695. the moron is having
a party of his own.
- 696. And when people get in the state
that Davey's in
- 697. they do really stupid things
- 698. like go to a mall that's obviously
- 699. to yell at a woman who's obviously
- 700. Shut up!
- 701. Jennifer!
- 702. Jennifer!
- 703. What's the matter with the way I live
my life? Huh, Jennifer?
- 704. Where are you? Home reading
your baby boy a bedtime story
- 705. while he sucks his thumb
and goes pee-pee on his blanket?
- 706. Horseshit!
- 707. Look who finally showed up.
We've been waiting for you all night.
- 708. Who said that?
- 709. I said that. Everybody wake up!
- 710. This is not a rehearsal.
- 711. Numb-nuts is here.
- 712. Roger on that. Over.
- 713. Let's do this, people.
- 714. Just let me put my teeth in.
- 715. How do you like your java?
- 716. With a shot of whiskey.
- 717. Let's try it black instead.
- 718. That burns!
- 719. Wake up, kids.
Our hot and sour friend is here.
- 720. We're coming!
- 721. It's about time you got here.
- 722. I've been tossing and turning.
- 723. I know. I was watching you.
- 724. I mean, me too.
- 725. What the heck is happening right now?
- 726. Something that should have happened
20 years ago.
- 727. Time to cry, Davey. Over.
- 728. What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.
- 729. You can run from Whitey,
but you ain't gonna run from us.
- 730. We all heard what happened
At the skating rink today
- 731. When Whitey brought up your sad past
You snapped and walked away
- 732. Well, maybe they're onto something
That you should give a try
- 733. Go ahead and let it out
And have yourself a cry
- 734. Let it out, Davey
- 735. Shut your wooden mugs
- 736. Let it out, Davey
- 737. Would you check out her bezugs
- 738. You want me to deal with pain
Well, "Cheers" is what I say
- 739. This here stuff just numbs the pain
It don't make it go away
- 740. You try to act so tough
- 741. But you just live a lie
- 742. Why don't you show your feminine side
And have yourself a cry
- 743. Let it out, Davey
- 744. I'll pour you down the sink
- 745. You gotta do it, Davey
- 746. Y'all can bite my dink
- 747. You labels and logos are wasting
Your time making me sit here
- 748. 'Cause nothing you can say or do
Will make me shed a tear
- 749. He possesses a strong spirit
- 750. And won't let down his guard
- 751. So now we'll bring in the big gun
- 752. His beautiful Chanukah card
- 753. Take it, Davey. It might have money in it.
- 754. Happy Chanukah to our wonderful son
- 755. You fill our lives
- 756. With joy
- 757. Don't ever change
- 758. The way you are
- 759. You beautiful
- 760. Twelve-year-old
- 761. Boy
- 762. Breaking and entering.
- 763. I knew you'd screw
up eventually, Stone.
- 764. I'm sorry.
Save your sorries for the judge.
- 765. This is embarrassing.
- 766. Come on, guys.
- 767. Don't be sad, Mom. I can be your date.
- 768. You should let me be your date.
- 769. I may be dirty and smelly,
but in the dark, I'm just smelly.
- 770. Well, thank you, but he asked first.
- 771. Oh, my God. Slow down.
Come on. I'm scared.
- 772. Hey, why are we stopped now?
What are you doing? What's going on?
- 773. Who's out there?
Do we need to call the police?
- 774. Don't worry, Eleanore. I promise
you'll have a good time.
- 775. All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.
- 776. You look like Audrey Hepburn if she was
four feet and weighed 300 pounds.
- 777. Thank you.
- 778. Watch the ice, Eleanore. Don't slip.
- 779. It's all good, Whitey.
- 780. Eleanore Duvall? Is that you?
- 781. Why do you want to know?
- 782. What can we do you for, bub?
- 783. I've been waiting to see your sister
for many years.
- 784. Are you the kid who stole my wig?
- 785. Yes, I'm Eli Wolstan
- 786. and I've always felt bad about being
so thoughtless when I was young.
- 787. So I wanted to return this to you.
- 788. Thank you.
- 789. Feel better?
- 790. One more thing.
- 791. Now I feel better.
- 792. At least this one make me look pretty.
- 793. Attention all officers. Davey Stone is
on the loose.
- 794. Last bus to New York
City now boarding.
- 795. Whitey, they were giving out lobster
bibs in the bathroom.
- 796. That's not a lobster bib, Eleanore.
That's a germ protector for your tushy.
- 797. Okay. Well, I'll use it here.
- 798. My hiney is germfree and I love it.
- 799. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Mayor Stuey Duhy.
- 800. I'd like to welcome you to the
- 801. youth league basketball
- 802. For those of you celebrating Christmas
tomorrow, merry Christmas.
- 803. Merry Christmas.
- 804. For those of you celebrating
the eighth night of Chanukah
- 805. happy Chanukah.
- 806. Happy Chanukah.
- 807. Going to the Big Apple, son?
- 808. Yeah.
- 809. Business or pleasure?
- 810. Freedom.
- 811. I see. You're one of them
- 812. Everyone knows I like to start
these events with a joke.
- 813. But I've been so busy at the hardware
store this year
- 814. I've had no time to think of a great
one. But I thought of this driving here:
- 815. Knock, knock.
- 816. Who's there?
- 817. Don't you.
Don't you, who?
- 818. Don't you wish I hadn't been so busy
at the hardware store
- 819. and had more time to think
of a great one?
- 820. Mom, I didn't get that one.
- 821. I don't think anybody did.
People just try to be nice to the mayor.
- 822. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's get to it.
- 823. The award for most impressive growth
goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.
- 824. He is now about to take the stage
at his current height of 6-foot-5.
- 825. Donald Hardy!
- 826. Get up here, you beanpole.
- 827. Saint Ignatius is number one!
- 828. Hopefully that young man's getting
a weed whacker for Christmas.
- 829. The mayor is very funny.
- 830. Look at Davey, inches
from a clean getaway.
- 831. But there's some things you
just aren't meant to get away from.
- 832. What the hey?
- 833. Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy!
We'll make it! Whoa!
- 834. Nice driving skills, pal.
- 835. That's the strangest thing
I've ever seen.
- 836. One thumbtack popped all eight
of my back tires.
- 837. Okay. I see what you're doing.
- 838. Who you talking to? Having one of them
hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?
- 839. I need to go apologize to someone
before I leave.
- 840. I know you hippies don't wear watches,
but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.
- 841. I'll see you then.
- 842. Run, hippie! Run!
- 843. I'm just here to say I'm sorry
to the little guy. I swear.
- 844. If I give myself a wedgie
will you believe me then?
- 845. Okay?
- 846. Glad we could work that out.
- 847. I can't believe I'm in the same room
as the mayor.
- 848. I can't believe how many rolls
you put in your purse.
- 849. It'll be a nice snack for February.
- 850. Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,
the Dukesberry All-Star Patch
- 851. was created 35 years ago to recognize
people for their tireless work ethic
- 852. their unparalleled generosity
- 853. and their passion and dedication to
both the league and our fine community.
- 854. Your hands are sopping wet.
Don't be so nervous, Whitey.
- 855. I'm not nervous. I'm excited.
- 856. I've been waiting 35 years
for this night.
- 857. You see something?
Just some deer doing a pyramid.
- 858. Okay, well, let's keep looking.
- 859. Good job, fellas.
- 860. Hand-picked by you,
the people of our fine town
- 861. I now present the 35th annual
- 862. Dukesberry All-Star Patch Award
- 863. to
- 864. Please let there be a miracle.
- 865. Tom Baltezor.
- 866. Tom, come up here and get this sucker.
- 867. Attaboy, Tommy!
- 868. We love you, Tommy!
- 869. Nobody in this town even knows
- 870. All you people can bite
my germfree booty!
- 871. Looks like I better do a lot more than
apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.
- 872. When I was a kid playing youth
league ball for Palmer Episcopal
- 873. I dreamed of two things:
- 874. Learning to make a lay-up with my left
hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.
- 875. I think you all know which dream
- 876. Wow!
- 877. Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.
- 878. And even though I don't recall scoring a
point during my four seasons of play
- 879. the memories of the fun times
I did have
- 880. made it very easy for me to purchase
the new digital scoreboard
- 881. for the community center
earlier this year.
- 882. Thanks for the recognition.
- 883. Thanks for the scoreboard!
Thank you, Tommy!
- 884. Excuse me! Can I just say something?
- 885. There he is!
Stone, what are you doing here?
- 886. Getting himself arrested, Mayor Duhy.
He broke into the mall.
- 887. I love it! Your ass busted!
- 888. Now you go to jail
and marry big, smelly man.
- 889. Stone, you screwed up for the last time.
- 890. That 10-year sentence I promised you
- 891. Please, just let me speak for one second.
- 892. Are those tears in his eyes?
- 893. Finally.
- 894. Let the guy talk!
- 895. After all, it is the holidays.
- 896. She's right. And then we'll
send him up the river.
- 897. Okay, Mrs. Triple Nipple..
I mean, Mrs. Selman.
- 898. Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let's hear
your parting words of wisdom.
- 899. I know you people don't like me or
care about my opinion, but here goes.
- 900. Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey
should have won the patch tonight.
- 901. You're all crazy for not realizing that.
- 902. Why would we give Whitey Duvall the
patch? So he could use it as a blanket?
- 903. That's the reaction I thought I'd get.
- 904. Everyone in this room has been
Associated with Whitey
- 905. Through basketball or the mall
- 906. Or various odd jobs he does around
Town for free or at most a dollar
- 907. And I'm guessing 99% of you have
Either laughed in Whitey's face
- 908. Or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or
Voice or sister or shortness
- 909. When he wasn't looking
- 910. But the next time you'd see him, he'd go
Out of his way to smile and wave at you
- 911. And ask about your mother's operation
- 912. Because he, unlike us, Cares
about someone other than himself
- 913. The reason I bring this up to you
- 914. Is because I was the worst offender
- 915. Of all
- 916. My life was simply going nowhere
- 917. Then a tiny, little man
Rushed to my side
- 918. He should've gotten a big thank-you
- 919. Instead he got a Port-A-Potty ride
- 920. I was such a shithead
- 921. But he never quit on me
- 922. Till I told him he was useless
- 923. And his sister was freaky
- 924. Once when we were watching
- 925. A fuzzy screen was all that
We could see
- 926. Whitey came over with a hanger
- 927. And spent the game on top of our TV
- 928. And when the lightning struck him
- 929. He let out a wicked-loud yell
- 930. But we just turned up the volume
- 931. And ignored the burning smell
- 932. We should all rot in hell
- 933. I went to high school with Whitey
- 934. As a joke I told him to meet me
At the prom
- 935. When he got there I said, "I can't
Believe you thought I was serious"
- 936. So he ran home crying and
slow-danced With his mom
- 937. What a crushing blow to Whitey
- 938. I bet you wish you could take it back
- 939. How could you all be
so mean to Whitey?
- 940. Sound to me like you are all on crack
- 941. Huh?
- 942. Tonight Whitey was
counting on this town
- 943. To show that we care
- 944. But the first time he really needed us
- 945. We weren't there
- 946. And on Christmas Eve
And the last night of Chanukah
- 947. It's just not fair
- 948. I wonder if that guy
- 949. Ever wiped his ass with
The wrong hand
- 950. Yes.
- 951. I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.
- 952. We should go to the mall.
- 953. That place always makes me feel better.
- 954. But it's closed.
- 955. Maybe the night guard
forgot to lock the door again.
- 956. Well, if he didn't, we can at
least sit in front of it.
- 957. These are desperate times.
- 958. Let the door be open.
Please, just give me that.
- 959. Thank God.
- 960. This is the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.
- 961. It's like a sanctuary.
- 962. Eleanore, could you just give me a
second to say a few words in private?
- 963. Take as much time as you need, Whitey.
- 964. Hey, mall, long time no see.
- 965. Fourteen hours to be exact.
- 966. If you haven't heard by now
- 967. I didn't get that patch I've been
telling you about for all these years.
- 968. In fact, I've been
kind of kidding myself
- 969. to even think I was in the running.
- 970. You see
- 971. the people of Dukesberry
- 972. think I'm nothing but a joke.
- 973. So I was kind of thinking
- 974. maybe I should move to a town
where nobody knows who I am.
- 975. At least then they'd have a
reason not to acknowledge me.
- 976. I think Eleanore might like Florida
- 977. and I hear they got some pretty
amazing malls there.
- 978. You're not going anywhere.
- 979. Holy shit, did the mall
just say something?
- 980. No, it was me.
- 981. What do you want, Stone?
- 982. I came to apologize, Whitey.
- 983. Well, there's nothing to apologize for,
Stone, because you were right.
- 984. Nobody does care about me.
- 985. I don't think that's true.
Do you, Mr. Mayor?
- 986. Whitey, tonight for the first time
- 987. your partner, Davey Stone, actually
did a good thing for this community.
- 988. What he do, steal beer for everyone?
- 989. No. He made me see how great Whitey
is and how neglectful we've all been.
- 990. That's why I'm here, Whitey.
I'm here to fix a big mistake.
- 991. It's your moment, Whitey
- 992. You've waited oh, so long
- 993. It's your moment, Whitey
- 994. We're here to right our wrong
- 995. For service to the league and this
community, I proudly present to you
- 996. the 35th annual Dukesberry
- 997. But this is Tom's.
- 998. Mr. Duvall, the 35th All-Star
Patch is now where it belongs.
- 999. I can't believe this is happening.
- 1000. And the 34th!
- 1001. And the 33rd!
- 1002. And the 32nd,
and the 31 st, and the 30th!
- 1003. - 29th!
And the 16th!
- 1004. And the 28th!
And the 23rd!
- 1005. And the 27th!
- 1006. Oh, Whitey.
And the 11 th!
- 1007. And the 25th!
And the 18th!
- 1008. We love you, Whitey!
- 1009. You stepped up for me, Stone.
I don't know if I could ever repay you.
- 1010. Well, you can help me with my dream.
- 1011. You got a dream? What is it?
- 1012. To have someone wish me
a happy Chanukah
- 1013. and feel as good as I used to
when my dad would say it to me.
- 1014. Happy Chanukah, Stone.
- 1015. Merry Christmas, Whitey.
- 1016. You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife
and I ever have a son
- 1017. I hope you consider him a brother.
- 1018. Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend
I never heard you say that.
- 1019. Appreciate it.
- 1020. It's your moment, Whitey
- 1021. Enjoy, our tiny friend
Thank you. Thank you.
- 1022. Like the Bavarian cream-filled donut
- 1023. You ate last week
- 1024. Thank you. Thank you.
- 1025. Would you three show Whitey and I
- 1026. how to light the Chanukah candles
at our house tonight?
- 1027. You up for that, pal?
- 1028. And when Benjamin falls asleep
- 1029. the both of you can play
Spin the Dreidel for tongue kisses.
- 1030. Sounds good to me.
- 1031. Now, go live happily ever after or I'll
dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.
- 1032. That won't be necessary.
- 1033. They make a nice couple.
- 1034. I never
- 1035. Want this to end
- 1036. Don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.
- 1037. This is the happiest seizure of my life.
- 1038. See, I told you.