1. Well, all right. Look at all that
beautiful, white stuff come down.Copy !req
2. Christmas is right around the cornerCopy !req
3. and Chanukah starts tonight.Copy !req
4. Ain't a better time of year.Copy !req
5. You got no school, you can eat
like a pig and people give you stuff.Copy !req
6. Just makes you feel tingly all over.Copy !req
7. But you know what?Copy !req
8. There are some buffoons out there who
actually can't stand the holiday season.Copy !req
9. And seeing other people
enjoy the festivitiesCopy !req
10. gets them even more disgusted.Copy !req
11. In fact, the head honcho of holiday
humbugCopy !req
12. lives right here in little old Dukesberry.
His name's Davey Stone.Copy !req
13. That fool's in the China DragonCopy !req
14. coming up with his own way
of feeling tingly all over.Copy !req
15. Four scorpion bowl in five minute?
That's got to be a restaurant record.Copy !req
16. Well, right now I'm going to go for
another restaurant record: longest burp.Copy !req
17. Congratulations. Now, please excuse me
while I go take shower.Copy !req
18. At one time, Davey was a super student,
super athleteCopy !req
19. super sweet, super kid and the apple
of his parents' eye.Copy !req
20. Now, he's just a 33-year-old,
crazy Jewish guyCopy !req
21. who lives for making this town
as miserable as he isCopy !req
22. especially on the first night
of Chanukah.Copy !req
23. How'd he end up this way?
Let's save that for laterCopy !req
24. because right now, Davey's about to
get himself into some serious trouble.Copy !req
25. Hope you're not planning on driving
tonight, Stone.Copy !req
26. No, officer. I'm just going to say
good night to my carCopy !req
27. then walk home and enjoy
the holiday decorations.Copy !req
28. Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you
here alone tonightCopy !req
29. but don't you worry, I'll be back
first thing in the morning.Copy !req
30. Now, behave yourself,
and don't stay up too late.Copy !req
31. Nighty-night.Copy !req
32. All right, baby. But let's make this quick.Copy !req
33. Oh, mama!Copy !req
34. You like it when I hold you like this?Copy !req
35. Because I'll do it all night long.Copy !req
36. So sweet.Copy !req
37. Yes, so precious.Copy !req
38. I love you, car.Copy !req
39. He dine and dash me! He chew and
screw me! He sip and skip me!Copy !req
40. What?
He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.Copy !req
41. Oh, boy.Copy !req
42. Get him.Copy !req
43. Come back here, you jerk!Copy !req
44. Somebody stop that guy!Copy !req
45. I'm the kind of guy who can't stand
A holidayCopy !req
46. So I drink them all away, that's meCopy !req
47. I don't decorate no treesCopy !req
48. And I won't eat no potato latkesCopy !req
49. But I'll give this old lady's melons
A squeezeCopy !req
50. That's just who I amCopy !req
51. Well, I'll never spin a dreidel,
But I'll always throw an eggCopy !req
52. And I'll charley horse your leg for laughsCopy !req
53. While you're singing your holiday tunesCopy !req
54. I'm acting like the town buffoonCopy !req
55. Whipping out my big, white, scary moonCopy !req
56. And blowing a beef your wayCopy !req
57. I hate folks who think reindeer are cuteCopy !req
58. To me they're just something to shootCopy !req
59. I hate loveCopy !req
60. I hate youCopy !req
61. I hate meCopy !req
62. Well, I'm a snowmobile-stealingCopy !req
63. No 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guyCopy !req
64. This time of year sucks
So I take my nunchaksCopy !req
65. And make sure every snowman diesCopy !req
66. Believing in Santa's all wrongCopy !req
67. And Chanukah's eight nights too longCopy !req
68. I hate loveCopy !req
69. I hate youCopy !req
70. I hate meCopy !req
71. Coming through.Copy !req
72. I hate loveCopy !req
73. I hate youCopy !req
74. I hate meCopy !req
75. Davey Stone, you're nothing
but a delinquent!Copy !req
76. Stone, what the heck are we
going to do with you?Copy !req
77. I've sent you to reform school, the drunk
tank, the local psychiatric ward.Copy !req
78. Not one of those places has made you
change an ounce for the better.Copy !req
79. You used to be a good kidCopy !req
80. playing ball for the Jewish Community
Center, with the best shot ever seen.Copy !req
81. Your Honor, I still got a pretty good
jump shot. Let me show you.Copy !req
82. I'd hit a 3-pointer, but I'd
have to drop my pantsCopy !req
83. and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.Copy !req
84. You leave me no choice. I'll really
have to crack down hard this time.Copy !req
85. Your Honor, if it pleases the court,
I'd like to interject for a moment.Copy !req
86. What the hell was that? Did anybody
hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?Copy !req
87. No, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duvall.Copy !req
88. And a happy first night of Chanukah
to you.Copy !req
89. I'm not Jewish.Copy !req
90. Neither am I, but that don't stop me
from enjoying a holiday.Copy !req
91. Whitey, we went over this
two months ago.Copy !req
92. It's your last year of reffing
the youth league basketball.Copy !req
93. You're turning 70 years oldCopy !req
94. and our insurance company says
they won't cover you anymore.Copy !req
95. No, no, no.Copy !req
96. My interjection pertains to the case
currently under adjudication.Copy !req
97. You see, I knew this young man
years agoCopy !req
98. when his moral fiber was still intact.Copy !req
99. What are you getting at?Copy !req
100. Why not sentence him to be a
referee-in-training for youth basketball?Copy !req
101. I've seen some pretty rowdy kids
turn into perfect gentlemenCopy !req
102. after spending time on my court.Copy !req
103. If that happened with Stone,
it would be a miracle.Copy !req
104. It's the holidays. Things like that have
been known to happen this time of year.Copy !req
105. Whitey, if you want to work with
this punk, then God bless you.Copy !req
106. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.Copy !req
107. And if I hear that you break one lawCopy !req
108. I'll send you to the state
penitentiary for no less than 10 years.Copy !req
109. Happy holidays.Copy !req
110. Oh, God.Copy !req
111. The short man who's kind
and the donkey's behind.Copy !req
112. What a bizarre matchup.
Good luck, Whitey. You'll need it.Copy !req
113. Okay, let's give the little guy
some support.Copy !req
114. Did I just see two Persian cats
on your ass?Copy !req
115. I think I'm going to barf.Copy !req
116. Your horn works, try the lights.Copy !req
117. Okay.Copy !req
118. One. Two.Copy !req
119. Good to see you still got circus feet.Copy !req
120. Men's 11 right foot, children's
9 left footCopy !req
121. at your service.Copy !req
122. Yuck.Copy !req
123. Now, I assume you've done
your pre-game stretching.Copy !req
124. No, let me do it right now.Copy !req
125. One. Two. Three.Copy !req
126. Four. Five. Six.Copy !req
127. Okay. That's good, but don't forget
your hammies.Copy !req
128. Of course Whitey wouldn't understand
what getting flipped off means.Copy !req
129. He's so behind the times,
he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall.Copy !req
130. But there is one thing he knows.Copy !req
131. The voting has begun for the highest
honor anyone in town could receive.Copy !req
132. I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey.
I really do.Copy !req
133. Whoa. Don't even think of coming
on this floor with those hard soles, pally.Copy !req
134. Fine, I'll just ref in my socks.Copy !req
135. Must be game time.Copy !req
136. Don't let him push your buttons, Whitey.Copy !req
137. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
138. Come on. Dribble!
Hurry up!Copy !req
139. What, no whistle on that one, ref?Copy !req
140. Okay.Copy !req
141. Foul on this kid for eating
everything in sight.Copy !req
142. Jelly jugs, next time you come on
my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?Copy !req
143. He was just kidding, son.
You've got very nice boobs.Copy !req
144. Jerk!
Idiot!Copy !req
145. You don't like that? How about you
throw something at me. I dare you.Copy !req
146. With pleasure!Copy !req
147. They're scratching up my floor.
Here comes a seizure.Copy !req
148. This will pass in a second, kids.Copy !req
149. Don't be scared.Copy !req
150. Is he break dancing?Copy !req
151. Okay, that's it. Game over.
Nobody wants to see an old man die.Copy !req
152. Fatty's team loses because
I want to see him cry again.Copy !req
153. I want to talk to you in my office.Copy !req
154. Why the hell are we at the mall?Copy !req
155. You need to clean your brain out.Copy !req
156. And to me, the mall is the best place
to do that.Copy !req
157. What's good about this place?Copy !req
158. What's good about it? Everything.
You want a pair of socks?Copy !req
159. My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker,
will warm your feet.Copy !req
160. You need a fancy doodad?Copy !req
161. Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the
combination pogo sticklclock radio.Copy !req
162. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie RackCopy !req
163. GNC, RadioShackCopy !req
164. Petland for a cat or two,
Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog dooCopy !req
165. Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts,
they're simply the best.Copy !req
166. And don't forget the orange
chicken at Panda Express.Copy !req
167. But if you're short of cash
like little old meCopy !req
168. the window shopping's always free.Copy !req
169. Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?Copy !req
170. Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?Copy !req
171. Maybe you are a leprechaun.Copy !req
172. Let's just get some snacks and chat.
Okay?Copy !req
173. Aren't you a boy?Copy !req
174. Now, I'd like to make this work out.Copy !req
175. But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learnCopy !req
176. that youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.Copy !req
177. It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.Copy !req
178. I've been doing my part for 35 years.Copy !req
179. Are you ready to join me, big guy?Copy !req
180. Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.Copy !req
181. Special delivery for Whitey Duvall,
sugar-free doughnuts.Copy !req
182. Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.Copy !req
183. My fraternal twin sister's a diabeticCopy !req
184. and out of respect for her and her
disease, I don't eat sugar products.Copy !req
185. There's a surprise in there you'll like.Copy !req
186. Don't tell me it's Bavarian cream-filled.Copy !req
187. It is Bavarian cream-filled!Copy !req
188. Hubba-bubba!Copy !req
189. These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.Copy !req
190. Why are you hiding over there?Copy !req
191. It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.Copy !req
192. Hi, Whitey. I got another Chanukah
present tonight.Copy !req
193. Wow, Benjamin, an Etch A Sketch.
Not too shabby.Copy !req
194. That's a Game Boy, you idiot.Copy !req
195. Sorry, I'm not up
on modern technology.Copy !req
196. But I guess my friend Davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.Copy !req
197. First night, I got a basketball
and some dreidels.Copy !req
198. Night two, I got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.Copy !req
199. And tonight, I got this.Copy !req
200. Wow. Maybe on night four the Chanukah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.Copy !req
201. Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
psycho.Copy !req
202. Come and help me
clean the muffin trays.Copy !req
203. Bye, Whitey.
See you at the game tomorrow.Copy !req
204. Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.Copy !req
205. Technical foul! Technical foul!Copy !req
206. That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!Copy !req
207. Easy.Copy !req
208. She's going through a tough time now.Copy !req
209. Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves herCopy !req
210. for a woman he met on the computer.Copy !req
211. She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.Copy !req
212. So she's available?Copy !req
213. You wish, mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.Copy !req
214. Twenty years?Copy !req
215. Was that Jennifer Friedman?Copy !req
216. I'm surprised you have enough
brain cells left to remember.Copy !req
217. Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to
watch 'Dukes of Hazzard' after the game?Copy !req
218. That's a big 10-4, Davey.Copy !req
219. Hey, Davey.Copy !req
220. Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.Copy !req
221. Thanks, honey.Copy !req
222. If my parents fall asleep early,
I'll show you my basement.Copy !req
223. Keep dreaming.Copy !req
224. They make a nice couple
boogie-oogie-oogies.Copy !req
225. I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.Copy !req
226. Good evening, Mayor Stuey Duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?Copy !req
227. Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.Copy !req
228. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
Stone.Copy !req
229. I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.Copy !req
230. Yeah, right.Copy !req
231. Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or?Copy !req
232. That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.Copy !req
233. All right, I'm going to get going now.Copy !req
234. Happy holidays, your excellence.Copy !req
235. Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is Spencer's Gifts.Copy !req
236. They definitely have furry underwear.Copy !req
237. You're gross.Copy !req
238. Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "It could be you"Copy !req
239. there was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or?Copy !req
240. You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?Copy !req
241. It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.Copy !req
242. Can you imagine?Copy !req
243. Won't you dance with meCopy !req
244. At the annual all-star banquet?Copy !req
245. We'll be so fancy-freeCopy !req
246. At the annual all-star banquetCopy !req
247. Everyone in town will be looking
Their bestCopy !req
248. Even Mrs. Selman with her one
Extra breastCopy !req
249. It's the kind of a night when your
Feet matchCopy !req
250. When you feel nearly 5-foot-3!Copy !req
251. They'll laugh and they'll dance
And they'll pee in their pantsCopy !req
252. 'Cause there's a patch at the
All-star banquet waiting for meCopy !req
253. Can you take me home now?Copy !req
254. Well, that was nice of Davey to snap
Whitey out of his little dream.Copy !req
255. All that song was saying was
the patch means the world to Whitey.Copy !req
256. He'd rather be remembered
for his hard workCopy !req
257. not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.Copy !req
258. Can you blame him?Copy !req
259. How's that peanut brittle?Copy !req
260. Crunchy and delicious.Copy !req
261. Funny, I don't remember Denise
or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.Copy !req
262. I guess that means I stole it.Copy !req
263. Easy, seizure-boy!Copy !req
264. That's it. I'm calling the judge.Copy !req
265. Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.Copy !req
266. Maybe I'll just take you in myself.Copy !req
267. Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.Copy !req
268. Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.Copy !req
269. Put me down! Put me down!Copy !req
270. And get out of my car right now!Copy !req
271. Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? That's where I live, idiot!Copy !req
272. Thanks for the ride, patchy.Copy !req
273. It was great patching with you.Copy !req
274. And I guess I'll patch you later.Copy !req
275. I'm letting this one go, Stone.Copy !req
276. But next screwup, it's slammer time.Copy !req
277. Got any sand or rock salt in there?Copy !req
278. I need to get some traction.Copy !req
279. "Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause I need to get some-"Copy !req
280. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
281. He could've at least given me a push
or something.Copy !req
282. closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its Jewish viewersCopy !req
283. the very happiest of Chanukahs.Copy !req
284. Boo!Copy !req
285. Hey!Copy !req
286. A little help, fellas?Copy !req
287. One. Two. Three!Copy !req
288. Have a holly, jolly one, guys.Copy !req
289. Doesn't it make you feel goodCopy !req
290. when you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?Copy !req
291. But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up
earlierCopy !req
292. because his sister, Eleanore,
gets a little edgy when he's late.Copy !req
293. Whitey, where were you?Copy !req
294. You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
I already called the morgue.Copy !req
295. They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.Copy !req
296. I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.Copy !req
297. The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
who stole my Liz Taylor wig?Copy !req
298. Eleanore, that was 45 years ago.Copy !req
299. I'm still shaking from it.Copy !req
300. Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chanceCopy !req
301. I might receive the patch this year.Copy !req
302. Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.Copy !req
303. First position. Second position.Copy !req
304. See you later, smell.Copy !req
305. Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.Copy !req
306. I can handle myself,
Eleanore. Trust me.Copy !req
307. When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the Vegas StripCopy !req
308. you'll have a big electric bill.Copy !req
309. And being a volunteer referee
for the youth basketball leagueCopy !req
310. doesn't exactly get you
in the Fortune 500.Copy !req
311. So old Whitey's up early every day,
searching the town for odd jobsCopy !req
312. to help make ends meet
for him and Eleanore.Copy !req
313. How's that, fellas?Copy !req
314. It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.Copy !req
315. You got it.Copy !req
316. Whoops.Copy !req
317. Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.Copy !req
318. Let's go get some coffee.Copy !req
319. Anything else I can do for you guys?Copy !req
320. If you clean out the crappers,
I'll give you a buck.Copy !req
321. Consider it done.
Nice doing business with you.Copy !req
322. That's what happens
when you hit the bottle.Copy !req
323. You go to sleep in Dukesberry,
you wake up in Pukesberry.Copy !req
324. Pukesberry.Copy !req
325. Hey. What are you do..? No!Copy !req
326. The worst has happened.
I'm covered in human feces.Copy !req
327. That's a good look for you. But for
health reasons, I should spray you off.Copy !req
328. Smell you later, poopsicle.Copy !req
329. You're a fricking degenerate.Copy !req
330. I know I am.Copy !req
331. A little help, please.Copy !req
332. Your tongues tickle.Copy !req
333. They tickle.Copy !req
334. You are right. That was gross.Copy !req
335. Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.
Why'd you tell me to come?Copy !req
336. I thought you could use a refresher
course on b-ball rules and regulations.Copy !req
337. You're nuts. I'm going to pound a few.
First of all, you booze, you lose.Copy !req
338. And secondly, if you don't turn aroundCopy !req
339. Officer Sherman over there'll know of
the infamous peanut brittle incident.Copy !req
340. What's with the dunkin' munchkin?Copy !req
341. His mom had to do a double shift so I'm
watching him till she can get here.Copy !req
342. Now, both of you cop a squat
next to me and let's observe.Copy !req
343. Take it! Take it!Copy !req
344. Charging! Our ball.Copy !req
345. See, that wasn't a charge.
It was actually blocking.Copy !req
346. The defender didn't have both feet
planted in time.Copy !req
347. Oh, really? Because I thought
that was high-sticking.Copy !req
348. Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's
upset because he can't play no more.Copy !req
349. Twenty years of drinking destroyed
the basketball lobe of his brain.Copy !req
350. I can whup any of those clowns
out there even with you as my partner.Copy !req
351. I'd like to see that.Copy !req
352. I'd like to see that right now.Copy !req
353. He was just kidding, fellas.
Whole lot of jibber jabber.Copy !req
354. We got no beef with you guys.Copy !req
355. Because if a midget and a drunk
can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.Copy !req
356. No, he don't play ball anymore.Copy !req
357. I'll play. But if we win, you got
to eat that guy's jockstrap.Copy !req
358. First to five wins. We're shirts.Copy !req
359. Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?Copy !req
360. I don't see any skin, monkey-man.Copy !req
361. Just pass me the ball.Copy !req
362. All right, Fuzzy Wuzzy.Copy !req
363. All right, simmer down, Whitey.
Don't travel. Don't double dribble.Copy !req
364. I want a good, clean game
and no back talk.Copy !req
365. Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.Copy !req
366. He's right. Look for your opening
and take it.Copy !req
367. There it is!Copy !req
368. Now set yourself and shoot.Copy !req
369. Oh, no.Copy !req
370. Are you finally dead, old man?Copy !req
371. I'll be over to feed the cats
in the morningCopy !req
372. Mrs. Addison.Copy !req
373. Okay, he's useless.Copy !req
374. One more thing.Copy !req
375. Good kitty. Nice kitty.Copy !req
376. Muffin boy, what's your real name?Copy !req
377. Benjamin.Copy !req
378. You're in. Let's go.Copy !req
379. You're trading in the midget for a spaz?Copy !req
380. This is going to be even sadder.Copy !req
381. We'll see. Your ball.Copy !req
382. Oops.Copy !req
383. I'm not very good.Copy !req
384. That's all right. Just try to stay
confident, and if I say shoot it, shoot it.Copy !req
385. Game on.Copy !req
386. He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny.Copy !req
387. Good luck, chump.Copy !req
388. I'll take that.
Hey!Copy !req
389. Put it up.Copy !req
390. Coming through!Copy !req
391. That's all right, just keep your
elbow in. Now stick it, kid.Copy !req
392. Yeah!Copy !req
393. Looks like you better start
showing the spaz some respect.Copy !req
394. Just keep playing.Copy !req
395. Where am I going, baby?
Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.Copy !req
396. Trap him.
I'm on it.Copy !req
397. It's all you, buddy.Copy !req
398. I hope you all like your
jockstraps extra sweaty.Copy !req
399. One. Two.Copy !req
400. Three.Copy !req
401. You wanna win this or not?
Yeah.Copy !req
402. Well, then cover the nerd.Copy !req
403. The saga continues.Copy !req
404. Not this time, little man.Copy !req
405. Hey, look what I still got.Copy !req
406. Yeah, good coverage.Copy !req
407. What a shot.Copy !req
408. I call that the
top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot.Copy !req
409. Hold it now. Hold it now.Copy !req
410. Where's it going now?Copy !req
411. How's he doing that?Copy !req
412. Oh, boy.Copy !req
413. Put it up, Ben.Copy !req
414. Got a piece!Copy !req
415. Bam! Got a piece of my ass.Copy !req
416. Shut up!Copy !req
417. One more basket and it's chow time,
boys.Copy !req
418. Let's bring it home.Copy !req
419. You're my boy, Benny.Copy !req
420. Whoa, little Iverson.Copy !req
421. Double up on Stone!
You got it!Copy !req
422. Put it up, Benny.Copy !req
423. What's happening?Copy !req
424. No!
Oh, Benny!Copy !req
425. You gotta be kidding me!Copy !req
426. Yeah!Copy !req
427. Now say what I told you to say.Copy !req
428. Eat that nut-strap, bitch!Copy !req
429. Benjamin!Copy !req
430. Don't ever use that kind of language
again. Do you hear me?Copy !req
431. I'm sorry.Copy !req
432. He's just having some fun.Copy !req
433. Cursing and acting like a jerk may be
your idea of fun, but it won't be his.Copy !req
434. One Davey Stone
around here is enough.Copy !req
435. My finger's in your mouth, kittyCopy !req
436. but I don't feel no teeth.Copy !req
437. Let's go, Benjamin.Copy !req
438. Why are you eating that?Copy !req
439. You know, my mother doesn't
like you very much.Copy !req
440. You know, I don't like me
very much either.Copy !req
441. Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq.Copy !req
442. Why was she looking at me like that?Copy !req
443. How could they let that guy
work with kids?Copy !req
444. Giving me those nasty eyes.Copy !req
445. I was being nice to her kid.Copy !req
446. They should have locked
him up for good.Copy !req
447. At least she was looking at me.
That felt all right.Copy !req
448. Why can't he just be like he used to be?Copy !req
449. It all seems so long agoCopy !req
450. Young and happy don't you knowCopy !req
451. Down by the creek I would showCopy !req
452. Fireflies to that girlCopy !req
453. But that was back when he was niceCopy !req
454. Before my warm heart turned to iceCopy !req
455. My sister's wig once had liceCopy !req
456. But that was long agoCopy !req
457. The schoolyard's where we wereCopy !req
458. The first time I kissed herCopy !req
459. He thought he got some tongueCopy !req
460. But it was only retainerCopy !req
461. Eleanore's bra is a trainerCopy !req
462. Well, over there's my family homeCopy !req
463. And the woods we used to roamCopy !req
464. The only time I had
sex was on the phoneCopy !req
465. But that was long agoCopy !req
466. I carved our names upon that treeCopy !req
467. I loved him and he loved meCopy !req
468. My darling wife was once a heCopy !req
469. But that was long agoCopy !req
470. He'd always whisper in my earCopy !req
471. But then I started drinking beerCopy !req
472. My jewels got licked by six frisky deerCopy !req
473. Now he's just a loner and a liarCopy !req
474. And my trailer's caught on fireCopy !req
475. Fire?Copy !req
476. Oh, my God!Copy !req
477. Be careful!Copy !req
478. Maybe it's some kind of sign.Copy !req
479. After all, Chanukah is
the festival of lights.Copy !req
480. I should stick you on
a twig and roast you.Copy !req
481. Just get back in my car. You'll stay
with me and my sister for a while.Copy !req
482. I ain't living with you buffoons.Copy !req
483. What other options do you got, Mr.
Rockefeller?Copy !req
484. Hello?
Hi, is Ophelia there?Copy !req
485. Ophelia who?
Ophelia Hiney.Copy !req
486. Oh, feel my hiney?Copy !req
487. You hoodlums better bring my
wig back! I know it was you!Copy !req
488. It's a home-invasion robbery!Copy !req
489. Take whatever you want, but please
don't chop my legs off!Copy !req
490. It's okay, Eleanore, it's okay.Copy !req
491. Whitey, thank God you're here. We're
being robbed by a lunatic.Copy !req
492. Mister, if you're going to kill us, take
off your wet shoes.Copy !req
493. They're soaking the carpet.Copy !req
494. Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new
partner.Copy !req
495. The criminal? Did he force you to
bring him here so he could molest you?Copy !req
496. His home just went up in flames. So I
invited him to stay with us for a while.Copy !req
497. Okay, but I'm making an inventoryCopy !req
498. of every single item in this house.Copy !req
499. Fascinating.Copy !req
500. Look! He already stole something.
He's hiding it in his jacket.Copy !req
501. I didn't steal this.
It's a card my parents gave me.Copy !req
502. So why don't you go stay with them?Copy !req
503. They died.Copy !req
504. My bad.Copy !req
505. Here's to you guys for letting me
crash over.Copy !req
506. Alcohol in our house?
This is never going to work.Copy !req
507. It will. We just need to set some rules
so Davey knows how we do things here.Copy !req
508. I'm scared.Copy !req
509. Look. You gotta understand it's just
been me and Eleanore for 67 yearsCopy !req
510. so she gets nervous around
strangers.Copy !req
511. I wouldn't show that picture to anyoneCopy !req
512. or they may try to take you two back
to the laboratory.Copy !req
513. Listen. We got rules in this houseCopy !req
514. and you better follow them or you'll
find yourself out of here.Copy !req
515. This might be harder than I thought.Copy !req
516. If you're coming from the street
With dirty shoes on your feetCopy !req
517. That's a technical foulCopy !req
518. If you switch the radio to some
"Modern" music showCopy !req
519. That's a technical foulCopy !req
520. If you don't shut the doorCopy !req
521. After using the 'frigeratorCopy !req
522. That's a technical foulCopy !req
523. A technical foulCopy !req
524. If you touch the thermostatCopy !req
525. You'll get hit with a batCopy !req
526. 'Cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
527. You will feel my wrathCopy !req
528. If your hair clogs the drain
You'll know the meaning of painCopy !req
529. 'Cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
530. I'll show you no mercyCopy !req
531. Ho! This is such bullshitCopy !req
532. In this house we say "bullspit"Copy !req
533. Or it's a technical foulCopy !req
534. A technical foulCopy !req
535. Let me get this straight. You expect me
to change my lifestyle in one nightCopy !req
536. because you guys are a couple of
psychotic control freaks?Copy !req
537. You got it, bub.
Or you can go rot in the gutter.Copy !req
538. It's up to you, Yankee Doodle.
I don't want to do thatCopy !req
539. but let me run a few questions by you
so I don't screw up accidentally.Copy !req
540. If I don't spray Lysol
After moving a bowel?Copy !req
541. That's a technical foulCopy !req
542. If I decide to wash my ass
With your monogrammed towel?Copy !req
543. That's a technical foul
Please, say "hiney."Copy !req
544. If I make fun of your crazy feetiesCopy !req
545. Or give sugar cookies to Miss DiabetesCopy !req
546. That's not only a technical foulCopy !req
547. But possibly a homicideCopy !req
548. Can I sleep past 3?Copy !req
549. If you do, you'll get a TCopy !req
550. Take a whiz in those flowers?
I'll say, "Hit the showers"Copy !req
551. Use this horn as a bong?
Adiós, Tommy ChongCopy !req
552. Make some long-distance calls?Copy !req
553. You'll get a kick in the balls
Oops!Copy !req
554. Can I walk around with
My morning erection?Copy !req
555. If you want an automatic ejectionCopy !req
556. 'Cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
557. But I'd like to see it anywayCopy !req
558. Just kidding.Copy !req
559. There are certain rules
Which apply in one's lifeCopy !req
560. With your sister, friends
Or imaginary wifeCopy !req
561. I can't believe I haven't killed myselfCopy !req
562. Here with Wigs McGee and the furry elfCopy !req
563. They took my wigCopy !req
564. I remember the look in their eyesCopy !req
565. I guess I'll have to deal
With your demandsCopy !req
566. But please don't touch me
With your alien handsCopy !req
567. I got no right to growlCopy !req
568. The whistle, she's on the prowlCopy !req
569. Without my wig, I look like an owl
Hoo! Hoo!Copy !req
570. Oh, my God.
Don't laugh at her.Copy !req
571. Or it's a technical foulCopy !req
572. A technical foulCopy !req
573. Davey will have to make the best of this.Copy !req
574. I guess I got to make the best of this.
See. I told you.Copy !req
575. But that shouldn't be too hard for him.
Even loners need company sometimes.Copy !req
576. Shaving the chest.Copy !req
577. Nobody needs a uni-brow.Copy !req
578. This is going to scare her silly.Copy !req
579. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
580. Peanuts for me?Copy !req
581. Wish we were taller, Eleanore?
I can't reach the cobwebs.Copy !req
582. Thank you, Davey.
No problem, Eleanore.Copy !req
583. Good one, Eleanore.Copy !req
584. Here you go.
Thanks. Have a good day.Copy !req
585. Good luck, old man.Copy !req
586. Now I can understand wrapping
the cornmeal around the hot dogCopy !req
587. but why the heck would they shove
this stick in here?Copy !req
588. I'm getting exhausted
trying to cut around it.Copy !req
589. You're supposed to hold the stick
and just eat the corn dog off of it.Copy !req
590. How futuristic.Copy !req
591. Oh, my God.Copy !req
592. Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.Copy !req
593. Thank you.Copy !req
594. Hey, Benny!Copy !req
595. Nice game against Saint Catherine's
today. How many buckets you score?Copy !req
596. Fourteen.Copy !req
597. You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.Copy !req
598. You just got to keep your elbows in.Copy !req
599. That's my man.Copy !req
600. Hey, you two, just doing circles.Copy !req
601. Oopsy-doodle!Copy !req
602. Yeah!Copy !req
603. I haven't done that in a while.Copy !req
604. Maybe I'm so excited about the banquet
tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.Copy !req
605. You'll extra-oomph yourself right into
another seizure if you don't calm down.Copy !req
606. He'll be all right. How'd you get
so good on the ice, anyways?Copy !req
607. In the '50s I reffed youth hockey
for a couple of seasons.Copy !req
608. Until a wrist shot caught him in the
back of the skull.Copy !req
609. Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.Copy !req
610. He was in a coma for three months.Copy !req
611. I needed the rest anyway.Copy !req
612. Could I get a lift from you, partner?Copy !req
613. Sure.Copy !req
614. So, Davey, did you play the hockey
when you were a child?Copy !req
615. No, hockey players get up too early.Copy !req
616. This guy's sport always was and
always will be basketball.Copy !req
617. Back in '81Copy !req
618. he was the star of what is still
known to this very dayCopy !req
619. as the JCC miracle game.Copy !req
620. Oh, my.Copy !req
621. The JCC was down by 24 points.Copy !req
622. The bad news is we stand no chance
of winning this game.Copy !req
623. The good news is it's Chanukah, so
you'll all get presents tonight anyway.Copy !req
624. Speaking of presentsCopy !req
625. our parents come to all our games
even though we always lose.Copy !req
626. So I was thinkingCopy !req
627. maybe tonight we could try to win one
for them. You know, as a gift.Copy !req
628. The only way that'll happen is if you
take all the shots.Copy !req
629. Well, if you guys don't mindCopy !req
630. It's okay with us.
Go for it. You got it.Copy !req
631. Let's win!Copy !req
632. Where are your parents, anyways?Copy !req
633. I don't know. Hopefully, out
getting me an Atari.Copy !req
634. All right, Davey!Copy !req
635. Come on!
Let's go!Copy !req
636. We'll take that.Copy !req
637. Not today.Copy !req
638. That kind of shooting makes me
want to do the robot dance.Copy !req
639. Nice story. You can stop now.Copy !req
640. No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.Copy !req
641. Can we just go? I'm cold.Copy !req
642. I want to hear what happens next.
It's like a fairy tale.Copy !req
643. Unfortunately, this fairy tale
doesn't have a happy ending.Copy !req
644. Davey was wondering
where his parents were.Copy !req
645. Turns out they were on their way
to the ball gameCopy !req
646. when a truck hit a patch of black ice
and swerved into oncoming traffic.Copy !req
647. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically
couldn't get out of the way in time.Copy !req
648. I couldn't believe something
that horribleCopy !req
649. could happen to a kid that nice.Copy !req
650. He walked right through that door
and into foster home after foster homeCopy !req
651. until his 18th birthday.Copy !req
652. Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.
What in heaven's name did you do?Copy !req
653. Let's just get off of this.Copy !req
654. He didn't know how to handle it.Copy !req
655. What 12-year-old kid would?
He basically shut down.Copy !req
656. Davey, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
657. There's nothing to say.
My parents are dead.Copy !req
658. Happy Chanukah.
Now, leave me alone.Copy !req
659. That's the saddest story I've ever heard.Copy !req
660. I'm out of here.
I don't need this sympathy crap.Copy !req
661. Maybe it's time you stop running
from your emotions.Copy !req
662. I'm not. I'm running from two crybabiesCopy !req
663. who won't shut up about something
that isn't their business.Copy !req
664. You know, I read recently
in 'Reader's Digest'Copy !req
665. that people who let themselves cry
when they're hurtingCopy !req
666. are often stronger than the peopleCopy !req
667. who try to hold all their pain inside.Copy !req
668. Did you read about a deformed referee
who spends 35 yearsCopy !req
669. trying to win some stupid patchCopy !req
670. so he can pretend people
actually like him?Copy !req
671. Which month was that in?Copy !req
672. Take that back.Copy !req
673. If they have an award for the
freakiest looking fraternal twinsCopy !req
674. who no one even gives a crap about,
you two are definitely winning.Copy !req
675. But that patch thing ain't ever
gonna happen for youCopy !req
676. because the truth is, nobody
in this town even knows you exist!Copy !req
677. You're an animal.Copy !req
678. And you're bald!Copy !req
679. Not again!Copy !req
680. You're not welcome in my house.Copy !req
681. Good, your house sucks!Copy !req
682. Do you have to be nasty to everyone
who tries to help you?Copy !req
683. That's my problem.Copy !req
684. He just a no-goodnik.Copy !req
685. And I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.Copy !req
686. Wow. Just when you started to really
like Davey, he has a butthole relapse.Copy !req
687. Hey, fellas.Copy !req
688. You know, Eleanore really does
look like an owl.Copy !req
689. Sorry.Copy !req
690. Cheer up, Eleanore.
Let's just get ready for the banquet.Copy !req
691. It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,
fellas?Copy !req
692. You're a good deer.Copy !req
693. Let's try the red wig. And please,
don't crap on my carpet.Copy !req
694. Well, while Whitey and Eleanore
are getting ready for the banquetCopy !req
695. the moron is having
a party of his own.Copy !req
696. And when people get in the state
that Davey's inCopy !req
697. they do really stupid thingsCopy !req
698. like go to a mall that's obviously
closedCopy !req
699. to yell at a woman who's obviously
not there.Copy !req
700. Shut up!Copy !req
701. Jennifer!Copy !req
702. Jennifer!Copy !req
703. What's the matter with the way I live
my life? Huh, Jennifer?Copy !req
704. Where are you? Home reading
your baby boy a bedtime storyCopy !req
705. while he sucks his thumb
and goes pee-pee on his blanket?Copy !req
706. Horseshit!Copy !req
707. Look who finally showed up.
We've been waiting for you all night.Copy !req
708. Who said that?Copy !req
709. I said that. Everybody wake up!Copy !req
710. This is not a rehearsal.Copy !req
711. Numb-nuts is here.Copy !req
712. Roger on that. Over.Copy !req
713. Let's do this, people.Copy !req
714. Just let me put my teeth in.Copy !req
715. How do you like your java?Copy !req
716. With a shot of whiskey.Copy !req
717. Let's try it black instead.Copy !req
718. That burns!Copy !req
719. Wake up, kids.
Our hot and sour friend is here.Copy !req
720. We're coming!Copy !req
721. It's about time you got here.Copy !req
722. I've been tossing and turning.Copy !req
723. I know. I was watching you.Copy !req
724. I mean, me too.Copy !req
725. What the heck is happening right now?Copy !req
726. Something that should have happened
20 years ago.Copy !req
727. Time to cry, Davey. Over.Copy !req
728. What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.Copy !req
729. You can run from Whitey,
but you ain't gonna run from us.Copy !req
730. We all heard what happened
At the skating rink todayCopy !req
731. When Whitey brought up your sad past
You snapped and walked awayCopy !req
732. Well, maybe they're onto something
That you should give a tryCopy !req
733. Go ahead and let it out
And have yourself a cryCopy !req
734. Let it out, DaveyCopy !req
735. Shut your wooden mugsCopy !req
736. Let it out, DaveyCopy !req
737. Would you check out her bezugsCopy !req
738. You want me to deal with pain
Well, "Cheers" is what I sayCopy !req
739. This here stuff just numbs the pain
It don't make it go awayCopy !req
740. You try to act so toughCopy !req
741. But you just live a lieCopy !req
742. Why don't you show your feminine side
And have yourself a cryCopy !req
743. Let it out, DaveyCopy !req
744. I'll pour you down the sinkCopy !req
745. You gotta do it, DaveyCopy !req
746. Y'all can bite my dinkCopy !req
747. You labels and logos are wasting
Your time making me sit hereCopy !req
748. 'Cause nothing you can say or do
Will make me shed a tearCopy !req
749. He possesses a strong spiritCopy !req
750. And won't let down his guardCopy !req
751. So now we'll bring in the big gunCopy !req
752. His beautiful Chanukah cardCopy !req
753. Take it, Davey. It might have money in it.
Over.Copy !req
754. Happy Chanukah to our wonderful sonCopy !req
755. You fill our livesCopy !req
756. With joyCopy !req
757. Don't ever changeCopy !req
758. The way you areCopy !req
759. You beautifulCopy !req
760. Twelve-year-oldCopy !req
761. BoyCopy !req
762. Breaking and entering.Copy !req
763. I knew you'd screw
up eventually, Stone.Copy !req
764. I'm sorry.
Save your sorries for the judge.Copy !req
765. This is embarrassing.Copy !req
766. Come on, guys.
Okay, sweetheart.Copy !req
767. Don't be sad, Mom. I can be your date.Copy !req
768. You should let me be your date.Copy !req
769. I may be dirty and smelly,
but in the dark, I'm just smelly.Copy !req
770. Well, thank you, but he asked first.Copy !req
771. Oh, my God. Slow down.
Come on. I'm scared.Copy !req
772. Hey, why are we stopped now?
What are you doing? What's going on?Copy !req
773. Who's out there?
Do we need to call the police?Copy !req
774. Don't worry, Eleanore. I promise
you'll have a good time.Copy !req
775. All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.Copy !req
776. You look like Audrey Hepburn if she was
four feet and weighed 300 pounds.Copy !req
777. Thank you.Copy !req
778. Watch the ice, Eleanore. Don't slip.Copy !req
779. It's all good, Whitey.Copy !req
780. Eleanore Duvall? Is that you?Copy !req
781. Why do you want to know?Copy !req
782. What can we do you for, bub?Copy !req
783. I've been waiting to see your sister
for many years.Copy !req
784. Are you the kid who stole my wig?Copy !req
785. Yes, I'm Eli WolstanCopy !req
786. and I've always felt bad about being
so thoughtless when I was young.Copy !req
787. So I wanted to return this to you.Copy !req
788. Thank you.Copy !req
789. Feel better?Copy !req
790. One more thing.Copy !req
791. Now I feel better.Copy !req
792. At least this one make me look pretty.Copy !req
793. Attention all officers. Davey Stone is
on the loose.Copy !req
794. Last bus to New York
City now boarding.Copy !req
795. Whitey, they were giving out lobster
bibs in the bathroom.Copy !req
796. That's not a lobster bib, Eleanore.
That's a germ protector for your tushy.Copy !req
797. Okay. Well, I'll use it here.Copy !req
798. My hiney is germfree and I love it.Copy !req
799. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Mayor Stuey Duhy.Copy !req
800. I'd like to welcome you to the
35th annualCopy !req
801. youth league basketball
all-star banquet.Copy !req
802. For those of you celebrating Christmas
tomorrow, merry Christmas.Copy !req
803. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
804. For those of you celebrating
the eighth night of ChanukahCopy !req
805. happy Chanukah.Copy !req
806. Happy Chanukah.Copy !req
807. Going to the Big Apple, son?Copy !req
808. Yeah.Copy !req
809. Business or pleasure?Copy !req
810. Freedom.Copy !req
811. I see. You're one of them
hippie-dippy fellas.Copy !req
812. Everyone knows I like to start
these events with a joke.Copy !req
813. But I've been so busy at the hardware
store this yearCopy !req
814. I've had no time to think of a great
one. But I thought of this driving here:Copy !req
815. Knock, knock.Copy !req
816. Who's there?Copy !req
817. Don't you.
Don't you, who?Copy !req
818. Don't you wish I hadn't been so busy
at the hardware storeCopy !req
819. and had more time to think
of a great one?Copy !req
820. Mom, I didn't get that one.Copy !req
821. I don't think anybody did.
People just try to be nice to the mayor.Copy !req
822. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's get to it.Copy !req
823. The award for most impressive growth
goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.Copy !req
824. He is now about to take the stage
at his current height of 6-foot-5.Copy !req
825. Donald Hardy!Copy !req
826. Get up here, you beanpole.Copy !req
827. Saint Ignatius is number one!Copy !req
828. Hopefully that young man's getting
a weed whacker for Christmas.Copy !req
829. The mayor is very funny.Copy !req
830. Look at Davey, inches
from a clean getaway.Copy !req
831. But there's some things you
just aren't meant to get away from.Copy !req
832. What the hey?Copy !req
833. Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy!
We'll make it! Whoa!Copy !req
834. Nice driving skills, pal.Copy !req
835. That's the strangest thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
836. One thumbtack popped all eight
of my back tires.Copy !req
837. Okay. I see what you're doing.Copy !req
838. Who you talking to? Having one of them
hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?Copy !req
839. I need to go apologize to someone
before I leave.Copy !req
840. I know you hippies don't wear watches,
but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.Copy !req
841. I'll see you then.Copy !req
842. Run, hippie! Run!Copy !req
843. I'm just here to say I'm sorry
to the little guy. I swear.Copy !req
844. If I give myself a wedgie
will you believe me then?Copy !req
845. Okay?Copy !req
846. Glad we could work that out.Copy !req
847. I can't believe I'm in the same room
as the mayor.Copy !req
848. I can't believe how many rolls
you put in your purse.Copy !req
849. It'll be a nice snack for February.Copy !req
850. Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,
the Dukesberry All-Star PatchCopy !req
851. was created 35 years ago to recognize
people for their tireless work ethicCopy !req
852. their unparalleled generosityCopy !req
853. and their passion and dedication to
both the league and our fine community.Copy !req
854. Your hands are sopping wet.
Don't be so nervous, Whitey.Copy !req
855. I'm not nervous. I'm excited.Copy !req
856. I've been waiting 35 years
for this night.Copy !req
857. You see something?
Just some deer doing a pyramid.Copy !req
858. Okay, well, let's keep looking.Copy !req
859. Good job, fellas.Copy !req
860. Hand-picked by you,
the people of our fine townCopy !req
861. I now present the 35th annualCopy !req
862. Dukesberry All-Star Patch AwardCopy !req
863. toCopy !req
864. Please let there be a miracle.Copy !req
865. Tom Baltezor.Copy !req
866. Tom, come up here and get this sucker.Copy !req
867. Attaboy, Tommy!Copy !req
868. We love you, Tommy!Copy !req
869. Nobody in this town even knows
you exist!Copy !req
870. All you people can bite
my germfree booty!Copy !req
871. Looks like I better do a lot more than
apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.Copy !req
872. When I was a kid playing youth
league ball for Palmer EpiscopalCopy !req
873. I dreamed of two things:Copy !req
874. Learning to make a lay-up with my left
hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.Copy !req
875. I think you all know which dream
came true.Copy !req
876. Wow!Copy !req
877. Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.Copy !req
878. And even though I don't recall scoring a
point during my four seasons of playCopy !req
879. the memories of the fun times
I did haveCopy !req
880. made it very easy for me to purchase
the new digital scoreboardCopy !req
881. for the community center
earlier this year.Copy !req
882. Thanks for the recognition.Copy !req
883. Thanks for the scoreboard!
Thank you, Tommy!Copy !req
884. Excuse me! Can I just say something?Copy !req
885. There he is!
Stone, what are you doing here?Copy !req
886. Getting himself arrested, Mayor Duhy.
He broke into the mall.Copy !req
887. I love it! Your ass busted!Copy !req
888. Now you go to jail
and marry big, smelly man.Copy !req
889. Stone, you screwed up for the last time.Copy !req
890. That 10-year sentence I promised you
starts tonight.Copy !req
891. Please, just let me speak for one second.Copy !req
892. Are those tears in his eyes?Copy !req
893. Finally.Copy !req
894. Let the guy talk!Copy !req
895. After all, it is the holidays.Copy !req
896. She's right. And then we'll
send him up the river.Copy !req
897. Okay, Mrs. Triple Nipple..
I mean, Mrs. Selman.Copy !req
898. Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let's hear
your parting words of wisdom.Copy !req
899. I know you people don't like me or
care about my opinion, but here goes.Copy !req
900. Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey
should have won the patch tonight.Copy !req
901. You're all crazy for not realizing that.Copy !req
902. Why would we give Whitey Duvall the
patch? So he could use it as a blanket?Copy !req
903. That's the reaction I thought I'd get.Copy !req
904. Everyone in this room has been
Associated with WhiteyCopy !req
905. Through basketball or the mallCopy !req
906. Or various odd jobs he does around
Town for free or at most a dollarCopy !req
907. And I'm guessing 99% of you have
Either laughed in Whitey's faceCopy !req
908. Or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or
Voice or sister or shortnessCopy !req
909. When he wasn't lookingCopy !req
910. But the next time you'd see him, he'd go
Out of his way to smile and wave at youCopy !req
911. And ask about your mother's operationCopy !req
912. Because he, unlike us, Cares
about someone other than himselfCopy !req
913. The reason I bring this up to youCopy !req
914. Is because I was the worst offenderCopy !req
915. Of allCopy !req
916. My life was simply going nowhereCopy !req
917. Then a tiny, little man
Rushed to my sideCopy !req
918. He should've gotten a big thank-youCopy !req
919. Instead he got a Port-A-Potty rideCopy !req
920. I was such a shitheadCopy !req
921. But he never quit on meCopy !req
922. Till I told him he was uselessCopy !req
923. And his sister was freakyCopy !req
924. Once when we were watching
Sunday footballCopy !req
925. A fuzzy screen was all that
We could seeCopy !req
926. Whitey came over with a hangerCopy !req
927. And spent the game on top of our TVCopy !req
928. And when the lightning struck himCopy !req
929. He let out a wicked-loud yellCopy !req
930. But we just turned up the volumeCopy !req
931. And ignored the burning smellCopy !req
932. We should all rot in hellCopy !req
933. I went to high school with WhiteyCopy !req
934. As a joke I told him to meet me
At the promCopy !req
935. When he got there I said, "I can't
Believe you thought I was serious"Copy !req
936. So he ran home crying and
slow-danced With his momCopy !req
937. What a crushing blow to WhiteyCopy !req
938. I bet you wish you could take it backCopy !req
939. How could you all be
so mean to Whitey?Copy !req
940. Sound to me like you are all on crackCopy !req
941. Huh?Copy !req
942. Tonight Whitey was
counting on this townCopy !req
943. To show that we careCopy !req
944. But the first time he really needed usCopy !req
945. We weren't thereCopy !req
946. And on Christmas Eve
And the last night of ChanukahCopy !req
947. It's just not fairCopy !req
948. I wonder if that guyCopy !req
949. Ever wiped his ass with
The wrong handCopy !req
950. Yes.Copy !req
951. I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.Copy !req
952. We should go to the mall.Copy !req
953. That place always makes me feel better.Copy !req
954. But it's closed.Copy !req
955. Maybe the night guard
forgot to lock the door again.Copy !req
956. Well, if he didn't, we can at
least sit in front of it.Copy !req
957. These are desperate times.Copy !req
958. Let the door be open.
Please, just give me that.Copy !req
959. Thank God.Copy !req
960. This is the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.Copy !req
961. It's like a sanctuary.Copy !req
962. Eleanore, could you just give me a
second to say a few words in private?Copy !req
963. Take as much time as you need, Whitey.Copy !req
964. Hey, mall, long time no see.Copy !req
965. Fourteen hours to be exact.Copy !req
966. If you haven't heard by nowCopy !req
967. I didn't get that patch I've been
telling you about for all these years.Copy !req
968. In fact, I've been
kind of kidding myselfCopy !req
969. to even think I was in the running.Copy !req
970. You seeCopy !req
971. the people of DukesberryCopy !req
972. think I'm nothing but a joke.Copy !req
973. So I was kind of thinkingCopy !req
974. maybe I should move to a town
where nobody knows who I am.Copy !req
975. At least then they'd have a
reason not to acknowledge me.Copy !req
976. I think Eleanore might like FloridaCopy !req
977. and I hear they got some pretty
amazing malls there.Copy !req
978. You're not going anywhere.Copy !req
979. Holy shit, did the mall
just say something?Copy !req
980. No, it was me.Copy !req
981. What do you want, Stone?Copy !req
982. I came to apologize, Whitey.Copy !req
983. Well, there's nothing to apologize for,
Stone, because you were right.Copy !req
984. Nobody does care about me.Copy !req
985. I don't think that's true.
Do you, Mr. Mayor?Copy !req
986. Whitey, tonight for the first time
in yearsCopy !req
987. your partner, Davey Stone, actually
did a good thing for this community.Copy !req
988. What he do, steal beer for everyone?Copy !req
989. No. He made me see how great Whitey
is and how neglectful we've all been.Copy !req
990. That's why I'm here, Whitey.
I'm here to fix a big mistake.Copy !req
991. It's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
992. You've waited oh, so longCopy !req
993. It's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
994. We're here to right our wrongCopy !req
995. For service to the league and this
community, I proudly present to youCopy !req
996. the 35th annual Dukesberry
All-Star Patch.Copy !req
997. But this is Tom's.Copy !req
998. Mr. Duvall, the 35th All-Star
Patch is now where it belongs.Copy !req
999. I can't believe this is happening.Copy !req
1000. And the 34th!Copy !req
1001. And the 33rd!Copy !req
1002. And the 32nd,
and the 31 st, and the 30th!Copy !req
1003. - 29th!
And the 16th!Copy !req
1004. And the 28th!
And the 23rd!Copy !req
1005. And the 27th!Copy !req
1006. Oh, Whitey.
And the 11 th!Copy !req
1007. And the 25th!
And the 18th!Copy !req
1008. We love you, Whitey!Copy !req
1009. You stepped up for me, Stone.
I don't know if I could ever repay you.Copy !req
1010. Well, you can help me with my dream.Copy !req
1011. You got a dream? What is it?Copy !req
1012. To have someone wish me
a happy ChanukahCopy !req
1013. and feel as good as I used to
when my dad would say it to me.Copy !req
1014. Happy Chanukah, Stone.Copy !req
1015. Merry Christmas, Whitey.Copy !req
1016. You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife
and I ever have a sonCopy !req
1017. I hope you consider him a brother.Copy !req
1018. Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend
I never heard you say that.Copy !req
1019. Appreciate it.Copy !req
1020. It's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
1021. Enjoy, our tiny friend
Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1022. Like the Bavarian cream-filled donutCopy !req
1023. You ate last weekCopy !req
1024. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1025. Would you three show Whitey and ICopy !req
1026. how to light the Chanukah candles
at our house tonight?Copy !req
1027. You up for that, pal?Copy !req
1028. And when Benjamin falls asleepCopy !req
1029. the both of you can play
Spin the Dreidel for tongue kisses.Copy !req
1030. Sounds good to me.Copy !req
1031. Now, go live happily ever after or I'll
dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.Copy !req
1032. That won't be necessary.Copy !req
1033. They make a nice couple.Copy !req
1034. I neverCopy !req
1035. Want this to endCopy !req
1036. Don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.Copy !req
1037. This is the happiest seizure of my life.Copy !req
1038. See, I told you.Copy !req