1. Well, all right. Look at all that
beautiful, white stuff come down.Copy !req
2. Christmas is right around the corner...Copy !req
3. And Hanukkah starts tonight.Copy !req
4. Ain't a better time of year.Copy !req
5. You got no school, you can eat
like a pig and people give you stuff.Copy !req
6. Just makes you feel tingly all over.Copy !req
7. But you know what?Copy !req
8. There are some buffoons out there who
actually can't stand the holiday season.Copy !req
9. And seeing other people
enjoy the festivities...Copy !req
10. Gets them even more disgusted.Copy !req
11. In fact, the head honcho of holiday
humbug...Copy !req
12. Lives right here in little old dukesberry.
His name's Davey Stone.Copy !req
13. That fool's in the China dragon...Copy !req
14. Coming up with his own way
of feeling tingly all over.Copy !req
15. Four scorpion bowl in five minute?
That's got to be a restaurant record.Copy !req
16. Well, right now I'm going to go for
another restaurant record: Longest burp.Copy !req
17. Congratulations. Now, please excuse me
while I go take shower.Copy !req
18. At one time, Davey was a super student,
super athlete...Copy !req
19. Super sweet, super kid and the apple
of his parents' eye.Copy !req
20. Now, he's just a 33-year-old,
crazy Jewish guy...Copy !req
21. Who lives for making this town
as miserable as he is...Copy !req
22. Especially on the first night
of Hanukkah.Copy !req
23. How'd he end up this way?
Let's save that for later...Copy !req
24. Because right now, Davey's about to
get himself into some serious trouble.Copy !req
25. Hope you're not planning on driving
tonight, Stone.Copy !req
26. No, officer. I'm just going to say
good night to my car...Copy !req
27. Then walk home and enjoy
the holiday decorations.Copy !req
28. Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you
here alone tonight...Copy !req
29. But don't you worry, I'll be back
first thing in the morning.Copy !req
30. Now, behave yourself,
and don't stay up too late.Copy !req
31. Nighty-night.Copy !req
32. All right, baby. But let's make this quick.Copy !req
33. Oh, mama!Copy !req
34. You like it when I hold you like this?Copy !req
35. Because I'll do it all night long.Copy !req
36. So sweet.Copy !req
37. Yes, so precious.Copy !req
38. I love you, car.Copy !req
39. He dine and dash me! He chew and
screw me! He sip and skip me!Copy !req
40. - What?
- He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.Copy !req
41. Oh, boy.Copy !req
42. Get him.Copy !req
43. Come back here, you jerk!Copy !req
44. Somebody stop that guy!Copy !req
45. I'm the kind of guy who can't stand
a holidayCopy !req
46. so I drink them all away, that's meCopy !req
47. I don't decorate no treesCopy !req
48. and I won't eat no potato latkesCopy !req
49. but I'll give this old lady's melons
a squeezeCopy !req
50. that's just who I amCopy !req
51. well, I'll never spin a dreidel,
but I'll always throw an eggCopy !req
52. and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughsCopy !req
53. while you're singing your holiday tunesCopy !req
54. I'm acting like the town buffoonCopy !req
55. whipping out my big, white, scary moonCopy !req
56. and blowing a beef your wayCopy !req
57. I hate folks who think reindeer are cuteCopy !req
58. to me they're just something to shootCopy !req
59. I hate loveCopy !req
60. I hate youCopy !req
61. I hate meCopy !req
62. well, I'm a snowmobile-stealingCopy !req
63. no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guyCopy !req
64. this time of year sucks
so I take my nunchaksCopy !req
65. and make sure every snowman diesCopy !req
66. believing in Santa's all wrongCopy !req
67. and Hanukkah's eight nights too longCopy !req
68. I hate loveCopy !req
69. I hate youCopy !req
70. I hate meCopy !req
71. coming through.Copy !req
72. I hate loveCopy !req
73. I hate youCopy !req
74. I hate meCopy !req
75. Davey Stone, you're nothing
but a delinquent!Copy !req
76. Stone, what the heck are we
going to do with you?Copy !req
77. I've sent you to reform school, the drunk
tank, the local psychiatric ward.Copy !req
78. Not one of those places has made you
change an ounce for the better.Copy !req
79. You used to be a good kid...Copy !req
80. Playing ball for the Jewish community
centre, with the best jump shot ever seen.Copy !req
81. Your honor, I still got a pretty good
jump shot. Let me show you.Copy !req
82. I'd hit a 3-pointer, but I'd
have to drop my pants...Copy !req
83. And pop a thumb up my boo-boo.Copy !req
84. You leave me no choice. I'll really
have to crack down hard this time.Copy !req
85. Your honor, if it pleases the court,
I'd like to interject for a moment.Copy !req
86. What the hell was that? Did anybody else
hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?Copy !req
87. No, Mr. Chang. It's me, Whitey Duval.Copy !req
88. And a happy first night of Hanukkah
to you.Copy !req
89. I'm not Jewish.Copy !req
90. Neither am I, but that don't stop me
from enjoying a holiday.Copy !req
91. Whitey, we went over this
two months ago.Copy !req
92. It's your last year of reffing
the youth league basketball.Copy !req
93. You're turning 70 years old...Copy !req
94. And our insurance company says
they won't cover you anymore.Copy !req
95. No, no, no.Copy !req
96. My interjection pertains to the case
currently under adjudication.Copy !req
97. You see, I knew this young man
years ago...Copy !req
98. When his moral fiber was still intact.Copy !req
99. What are you getting at?Copy !req
100. Why not sentence him to be a
referee-in-training for youth basketball?Copy !req
101. I've seen some pretty rowdy kids
turn into perfect gentlemen...Copy !req
102. After spending time on my court.Copy !req
103. If that happened with Stone,
it would be a miracle.Copy !req
104. It's the holidays. Things like that have
been known to happen this time of year.Copy !req
105. Whitey, if you want to work with
this punk, then God bless you.Copy !req
106. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.Copy !req
107. And if I hear that you break one law...Copy !req
108. I'll send you to the state
penitentiary for no less than 10 years.Copy !req
109. Happy holidays.Copy !req
110. Oh, God.Copy !req
111. The short man who's kind
and the donkey's behind.Copy !req
112. What a bizarre match up.
Good luck, Whitey. You'll need it.Copy !req
113. Okay, let's give the little guy
some support.Copy !req
114. Did I just see two persian cats
on your ass?Copy !req
115. I think I'm going to barf.Copy !req
116. Your horn works, try the lights.Copy !req
117. Okay.Copy !req
118. One. Two.Copy !req
119. Good to see you still got circus feet.Copy !req
120. Men's 11 right foot, children's
9 left foot...Copy !req
121. At your service.Copy !req
122. Yuck.Copy !req
123. Now, I assume you've done
your pre-game stretching.Copy !req
124. No, let me do it right now.Copy !req
125. One. Two. Three.Copy !req
126. Four. Five. Six.Copy !req
127. Okay. That's good, but don't forget
your hammies.Copy !req
128. Of course Whitey wouldn't understand
what getting flipped off means.Copy !req
129. He's so behind the times,
he thinks Viagra's a big waterfall.Copy !req
130. But there is one thing he knows.Copy !req
131. The voting has begun for the highest
honor anyone in town could receive.Copy !req
132. I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey.
I really do.Copy !req
133. Whoa. Don't even think of coming
on this floor with those hard soles, pally.Copy !req
134. Fine, I'll just ref in my socks.Copy !req
135. Must be game time.Copy !req
136. Don't let him push your buttons, whitey.Copy !req
137. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
138. - Come on. Dribble!
- Hurry up!Copy !req
139. What, no whistle on that one, ref?Copy !req
140. Okay.Copy !req
141. Foul on this kid for eating
everything in sight.Copy !req
142. Jelly jugs, next time you come on
my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?Copy !req
143. He was just kidding, son.
You've got very nice boobs.Copy !req
144. - Jerk!
- Idiot!Copy !req
145. You don't like that? How about you
throw something at me. I dare you.Copy !req
146. With pleasure!Copy !req
147. They're scratching up my floor.
Here comes a seizure.Copy !req
148. This will pass in a second, kids.Copy !req
149. Don't be scared.Copy !req
150. Is he break dancing?Copy !req
151. Okay, that's it. Game over.
Nobody wants to see an old man die.Copy !req
152. Fatty's team loses because
I want to see him cry again.Copy !req
153. I want to talk to you in my office.Copy !req
154. Why the hell are we at the mall?Copy !req
155. You need to clean your brain out.Copy !req
156. And to me, the mall is the best place
to do that.Copy !req
157. What's good about this place?Copy !req
158. What's good about it? Everything.
You want a pair of socks?Copy !req
159. My buddy, Mr. foot locker,
will warm your feet.Copy !req
160. You need a fancy doodad?Copy !req
161. Hello, sharper lmage. Thanks for the
combination pogo sticklclock radio.Copy !req
162. I mean, the body shop, the tie rack...Copy !req
163. Gnc, radioshack...Copy !req
164. Petland for a cat or two,
Spencer's gifts for some fake dog doo...Copy !req
165. Sbarro's, dunkin' donuts,
they're simply the best.Copy !req
166. And don't forget the orange
chicken at panda express.Copy !req
167. But if you're short of cash
like little old me...Copy !req
168. The window shopping's always free.Copy !req
169. Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?Copy !req
170. Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?Copy !req
171. Maybe you are a leprechaun.Copy !req
172. Let's just get some snacks and chat.
Okay?Copy !req
173. Aren't you a boy?Copy !req
174. Now, I'd like to make this work out.Copy !req
175. But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learn...Copy !req
176. That youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.Copy !req
177. It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.Copy !req
178. I've been doing my part for 35 years.Copy !req
179. Are you ready to join me, big guy?Copy !req
180. Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.Copy !req
181. Special delivery for Whitey duvall,
sugar-free doughnuts.Copy !req
182. Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.Copy !req
183. My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic...Copy !req
184. And out of respect for her and her
disease, I don't eat sugar products.Copy !req
185. There's a surprise in there you'll like.Copy !req
186. Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled.Copy !req
187. It is bavarian cream-filled!Copy !req
188. Hubba-bubba!Copy !req
189. These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.Copy !req
190. Why are you hiding over there?Copy !req
191. It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to Whitey.Copy !req
192. Hi, Whitey. I got another chanukah
present tonight.Copy !req
193. Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch.
Not too shabby.Copy !req
194. That's a game boy, you idiot.Copy !req
195. Sorry, I'm not up
on modern technology.Copy !req
196. But I guess my friend Davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.Copy !req
197. First night, I got a basketball
and some dreidels.Copy !req
198. Night two, I got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.Copy !req
199. And tonight, I got this.Copy !req
200. Wow. Maybe on night four the Hanukkah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.Copy !req
201. Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
psycho.Copy !req
202. Come and help me clean the muffin trays.Copy !req
203. - Bye, Whitey.
- See you at the game tomorrow.Copy !req
204. Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.Copy !req
205. Technical foul! Technical foul!Copy !req
206. That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!Copy !req
207. Easy.Copy !req
208. She's going through a tough time now.Copy !req
209. Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves her...Copy !req
210. For a woman he met on the computer.Copy !req
211. She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.Copy !req
212. So she's available?Copy !req
213. You wish, Mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.Copy !req
214. Twenty years?Copy !req
215. Was that Jennifer Friedman?Copy !req
216. I'm surprised you have enough brain cells
left to remember.Copy !req
217. Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to
watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?Copy !req
218. That's a big 10-4, Davey.Copy !req
219. Hey, Davey.Copy !req
220. Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.Copy !req
221. Thanks, honey.Copy !req
222. If my parents fall asleep early,
I'll show you my basement.Copy !req
223. Keep dreaming.Copy !req
224. They make a nice couple
boogie-oogie-oogies.Copy !req
225. I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.Copy !req
226. Good evening, mayor stuey duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?Copy !req
227. Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and Santa.Copy !req
228. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
Stone.Copy !req
229. I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.Copy !req
230. Yeah, right.Copy !req
231. Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or?Copy !req
232. That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.Copy !req
233. All right, I'm going to get going now.Copy !req
234. Happy holidays, your excellence.Copy !req
235. Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is Spencer's gifts.Copy !req
236. They definitely have furry underwear.Copy !req
237. You're gross.Copy !req
238. Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "it could be you"...Copy !req
239. There was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or?Copy !req
240. You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?Copy !req
241. It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.Copy !req
242. Can you imagine?Copy !req
243. Won't you dance with meCopy !req
244. at the annual all-star banquet?Copy !req
245. We'll be so fancy-freeCopy !req
246. at the annual all-star banquetCopy !req
247. everyone in town will be looking
their bestCopy !req
248. even Mrs. selman with her one
extra breastCopy !req
249. it's the kind of a night when your
feet matchCopy !req
250. when you feel nearly 5-foot-3!Copy !req
251. They'll laugh and they'll dance
and they'll pee in their pantsCopy !req
252. 'cause there's a patch at the
all-star banquet waiting for meCopy !req
253. can you take me home now?Copy !req
254. Well, that was nice of Davey to snap
Whitey out of his little dream.Copy !req
255. All that song was saying
was the patch means the world to Whitey.Copy !req
256. He'd rather be remembered
for his hard work...Copy !req
257. Not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.Copy !req
258. Can you blame him?Copy !req
259. How's that peanut brittle?Copy !req
260. Crunchy and delicious.Copy !req
261. Funny, I don't remember Denise
or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.Copy !req
262. I guess that means I stole it.Copy !req
263. Easy, seizure-boy!Copy !req
264. That's it. I'm calling the judge.Copy !req
265. Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.Copy !req
266. Maybe I'll just take you in myself.Copy !req
267. Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.Copy !req
268. Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.Copy !req
269. Put me down! Put me down!Copy !req
270. And get out of my car right now!Copy !req
271. Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? Because that's where I live, idiot!Copy !req
272. Thanks for the ride, patchy.Copy !req
273. It was great patching with you.Copy !req
274. And I guess I'll patch you later.Copy !req
275. I'm letting this one go, Stone.Copy !req
276. But next screw-up, it's slammer time.Copy !req
277. Got any sand or rock salt in there?Copy !req
278. I need to get some traction.Copy !req
279. "Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause I need to get some..."Copy !req
280. Oh, shut up!Copy !req
281. He could've at least given me a push
or something.Copy !req
282. - Closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its Jewish viewers...Copy !req
283. The very happiest of Hanukkahs.Copy !req
284. Boo!Copy !req
285. Hey!Copy !req
286. A little help, fellas?Copy !req
287. One. Two. Three!Copy !req
288. Have a holly, jolly one, guys.Copy !req
289. Doesn't it make you feel good...Copy !req
290. When you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?Copy !req
291. But I bet Whitey wishes they showed up
earlier...Copy !req
292. Because his sister, Eleanor,
gets a little edgy when he's late.Copy !req
293. Whitey, where were you?Copy !req
294. You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
I already called the morgue.Copy !req
295. They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.Copy !req
296. I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.Copy !req
297. The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
who stole my Liz Taylor wig?Copy !req
298. Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.Copy !req
299. I'm still shaking from it.Copy !req
300. Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chance...Copy !req
301. I might receive the patch this year.Copy !req
302. Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.Copy !req
303. First position. Second position.Copy !req
304. See you later, smell.Copy !req
305. Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.Copy !req
306. I can handle myself, Eleanor. Trust me.Copy !req
307. When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the Vegas strip...Copy !req
308. You'll have a big electric bill.Copy !req
309. And being a volunteer referee
for the youth basketball league...Copy !req
310. Doesn't exactly get you
in the fortune 500.Copy !req
311. So old Whitey's up bright and early every
day, searching the town for odd jobs...Copy !req
312. To help make ends meet
for him and eleanore.Copy !req
313. How's that, fellas?Copy !req
314. It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.Copy !req
315. You got it.Copy !req
316. Whoops.Copy !req
317. Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.Copy !req
318. Let's go get some coffee.Copy !req
319. Anything else I can do for you guys?Copy !req
320. If you clean out the crappers,
I'll give you a buck.Copy !req
321. Consider it done.
Nice doing business with you.Copy !req
322. That's what happens
when you hit the bottle.Copy !req
323. You go to sleep in dukesberry,
you wake up in pukesberry.Copy !req
324. Pukesberry.Copy !req
325. Hey. What are you do..? No!Copy !req
326. The worst has happened.
I'm covered in human faeces.Copy !req
327. That's a good look for you. But for
health reasons, I should spray you off.Copy !req
328. Smell you later, poopsicle.Copy !req
329. You're a f ricking degenerate.Copy !req
330. I know I am.Copy !req
331. A little help, please.Copy !req
332. Your tongues tickle.Copy !req
333. They tickle.Copy !req
334. You are right. That was gross.Copy !req
335. Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.
Why'd you tell me to come?Copy !req
336. I thought you could use a refresher
course on b-ball rules and regulations.Copy !req
337. - You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.
- First of all, you booze, you lose.Copy !req
338. And secondly, if you don't turn around...Copy !req
339. Officer sherman over there'll know of
the infamous peanut brittle incident.Copy !req
340. What's with the dunkin' munchkin?Copy !req
341. His mom had to do a double shift so I'm
watching him till she can get here.Copy !req
342. Now, both of you cop a squat next to me
and let's observe.Copy !req
343. Take it! Take it!Copy !req
344. Charging! Our ball.Copy !req
345. See, that wasn't a charge.
It was actually blocking.Copy !req
346. The defender didn't have both feet
planted in time.Copy !req
347. Oh, really? Because I thought
that was high-sticking.Copy !req
348. Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's
just upset because he can't play no more.Copy !req
349. Twenty years of drinking destroyed
the basketball lobe of his brain.Copy !req
350. I can whup any of those clowns
out there even with you as my partner.Copy !req
351. I'd like to see that.Copy !req
352. I'd like to see that right now.Copy !req
353. He was just kidding, fellas.
Whole lot of jibber jabber.Copy !req
354. We got no beef with you guys.Copy !req
355. Because if a midget and a drunk
can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.Copy !req
356. No, he don't play ball anymore.Copy !req
357. I'll play. But if we win, you got to eat
that guy's jockstrap.Copy !req
358. First to five wins. We're shirts.Copy !req
359. Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?Copy !req
360. I don't see any skin, monkey-man.Copy !req
361. Just pass me the ball.Copy !req
362. All right, fuzzy wuzzy.Copy !req
363. All right, simmer down, Whitey.
Don't travel. Don't double dribble.Copy !req
364. I want a good, clean game
and no back talk.Copy !req
365. Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.Copy !req
366. He's right. Look for your opening
and take it.Copy !req
367. There it is!Copy !req
368. Now set yourself and shoot.Copy !req
369. Oh, no.Copy !req
370. Are you finally dead, old man?Copy !req
371. I'll be over to feed the cats
in the morning...Copy !req
372. Mrs. Addison.Copy !req
373. Okay, he's useless.Copy !req
374. One more thing.Copy !req
375. Good kitty. Nice kitty.Copy !req
376. Muffin boy, what's your real name?Copy !req
377. Benjamin.Copy !req
378. You're in. Let's go.Copy !req
379. You're trading in the midget for a spaz?Copy !req
380. This is going to be even sadder.Copy !req
381. We'll see. Your ball.Copy !req
382. Oops.Copy !req
383. I'm not very good.Copy !req
384. That's all right. Just try to stay
confident, and if I say shoot it, shoot it.Copy !req
385. Game on.Copy !req
386. He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny.Copy !req
387. Good luck, chump.Copy !req
388. - I'll take that.
- Hey!Copy !req
389. Put it up.Copy !req
390. Coming through!Copy !req
391. That's all right, just keep your
elbow in. Now stick it, kid.Copy !req
392. Yeah!Copy !req
393. Looks like you better
start showing the spaz some respect.Copy !req
394. Just keep playing.Copy !req
395. Where am I going, baby?
Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.Copy !req
396. - Trap him.
- I'm on it.Copy !req
397. It's all you, buddy.Copy !req
398. I hope you all like your jockstraps
extra sweaty.Copy !req
399. One. Two.Copy !req
400. Three.Copy !req
401. - You wanna win this or not?
- Yeah.Copy !req
402. Well, then cover the nerd.Copy !req
403. The saga continues.Copy !req
404. Not this time, little man.Copy !req
405. Hey, look what I still got.Copy !req
406. Yeah, good coverage.Copy !req
407. What a shot.Copy !req
408. I call that the
top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot.Copy !req
409. Hold it now. Hold it now.Copy !req
410. Where's it going now?Copy !req
411. How's he doing that?Copy !req
412. Oh, boy.Copy !req
413. Put it up, Ben.Copy !req
414. Got a piece!Copy !req
415. Bam! Got a piece of my ass.Copy !req
416. Shut up!Copy !req
417. One more basket and it's chow time,
boys.Copy !req
418. Let's bring it home.Copy !req
419. You're my boy, Benny.Copy !req
420. Whoa, little lverson.Copy !req
421. - Double up on Stone!
- You got it!Copy !req
422. Put it up, Benny.Copy !req
423. What's happening?Copy !req
424. - No!
- Oh, Benny!Copy !req
425. You gotta be kidding me!Copy !req
426. Yeah!Copy !req
427. Now say what I told you to say.Copy !req
428. Eat that nut-strap, bitch!Copy !req
429. Benjamin!Copy !req
430. Don't ever use that kind of language
again. Do you hear me?Copy !req
431. I'm sorry.Copy !req
432. He's just having some fun.Copy !req
433. Cursing and acting like a jerk may be
your idea of fun, but it won't be his.Copy !req
434. One Davey Stone around here is enough.Copy !req
435. My finger's in your mouth, kitty...Copy !req
436. But I don't feel no teeth.Copy !req
437. Let's go, Benjamin.Copy !req
438. Why are you eating that?Copy !req
439. You know, my mother doesn't like you
very much.Copy !req
440. You know, I don't like me
very much either.Copy !req
441. Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq.Copy !req
442. Why was she looking at me like that?Copy !req
443. How could they let that guy
work with kids?Copy !req
444. Giving me those nasty eyes.Copy !req
445. I was being nice to her kid.Copy !req
446. They should have locked him up for good.Copy !req
447. At least she was looking at me.
That felt all right.Copy !req
448. Why can't he just be like he used to be?Copy !req
449. It all seems so long agoCopy !req
450. young and happy don't you knowCopy !req
451. down by the creek I would showCopy !req
452. fireflies to that girlCopy !req
453. but that was back when he was niceCopy !req
454. before my warm heart turned to iceCopy !req
455. my sister's wig once had liceCopy !req
456. but that was long agoCopy !req
457. the schoolyard's where we wereCopy !req
458. the first time I kissed herCopy !req
459. he thought he got some tongueCopy !req
460. but it was only retainerCopy !req
461. Eleanor's bra is a trainerCopy !req
462. well, over there's my family homeCopy !req
463. and the woods we used to roamCopy !req
464. the only time I had sex was on the phoneCopy !req
465. but that was long agoCopy !req
466. I carved our names upon that treeCopy !req
467. I loved him and he loved meCopy !req
468. my darling wife was once a heCopy !req
469. but that was long agoCopy !req
470. he'd always whisper in my earCopy !req
471. but then I started drinking beerCopy !req
472. my jewels got licked by six frisky deerCopy !req
473. now he's just a loner and a liarCopy !req
474. and my trailer's caught on fireCopy !req
475. fire?Copy !req
476. Oh, my God!Copy !req
477. Be careful!Copy !req
478. Maybe it's some kind of sign.Copy !req
479. After all, Hanukkah is the festival
of lights.Copy !req
480. I should stick you on a twig and roast
you.Copy !req
481. Just get back in my car. You'll stay
with me and my sister for a while.Copy !req
482. I ain't living with you buffoons.Copy !req
483. What other options do you got,
Mr. rockefeller?Copy !req
484. - Hello?
- Hi, is Ophelia there?Copy !req
485. - Ophelia who?
- Ophelia hiney.Copy !req
486. Oh, feel my hiney?Copy !req
487. You hoodlums better bring my wig back!
I know it was you!Copy !req
488. It's a home-invasion robbery!Copy !req
489. Take whatever you want, but please
don't chop my legs off!Copy !req
490. It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay.Copy !req
491. Whitey, thank God you're here. We're
being robbed by a lunatic.Copy !req
492. Mister, if you're going to kill us, take
off your wet shoes.Copy !req
493. They're soaking the carpet.Copy !req
494. Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new
partner.Copy !req
495. The criminal? Did he force you to
bring him here so he could molest you?Copy !req
496. His home just went up in flames. So I
invited him to stay with us for a while.Copy !req
497. Okay, but I'm making an inventory...Copy !req
498. Of every single item in this house.Copy !req
499. Fascinating.Copy !req
500. Look! He already stole something.
He's hiding it in his jacket.Copy !req
501. I didn't steal this.
It's a card my parents gave me.Copy !req
502. So why don't you go stay with them?Copy !req
503. They died.Copy !req
504. My bad.Copy !req
505. Here's to you guys for letting me
crash over.Copy !req
506. Alcohol in our house?
This is never going to work.Copy !req
507. It will. We just need to set some rules
so Davey knows how we do things here.Copy !req
508. I'm scared.Copy !req
509. Look. You gotta understand it's just
been me and Eleanor for 67 years...Copy !req
510. So she gets nervous around
strangers.Copy !req
511. I wouldn't show that picture to anyone...Copy !req
512. Or they may try to take you two back
to the laboratory.Copy !req
513. Listen. We got rules in this house...Copy !req
514. And you better follow them or you'll
find yourself out of here.Copy !req
515. This might be harder than I thought.Copy !req
516. If you're coming from the street
with dirty shoes on your feetCopy !req
517. that's a technical foulCopy !req
518. if you switch the radio to some
"modern" music showCopy !req
519. that's a technical foulCopy !req
520. if you don't shut the doorCopy !req
521. after using the 'frigeratorCopy !req
522. that's a technical foulCopy !req
523. a technical foulCopy !req
524. if you touch the thermostatCopy !req
525. you'll get hit with a batCopy !req
526. 'cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
527. you will feel my wrathCopy !req
528. - if your hair clogs the drain
- you'll know the meaning of painCopy !req
529. 'cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
530. I'll show you no mercyCopy !req
531. ho! This is such bullshitCopy !req
532. in this house we say "bullspit"Copy !req
533. or it's a technical foulCopy !req
534. a technical foulCopy !req
535. let me get this straight. You expect me
to change my lifestyle in one night...Copy !req
536. Because you guys are a couple of
psychotic control freaks?Copy !req
537. - You got it, bub.
- Or you can go rot in the gutter.Copy !req
538. - It's up to you, yankee doodle.
- I don't want to do that...Copy !req
539. But let me run a few questions by you
so I don't screw up accidentally.Copy !req
540. If I don't spray lysol
after moving a bowel?Copy !req
541. That's a technical foulCopy !req
542. if I decide to wash my ass
with your monogrammed towel?Copy !req
543. - That's a technical foul
- please, say "hiney."Copy !req
544. If I make fun of your crazy feetiesCopy !req
545. or give sugar cookies to miss diabetesCopy !req
546. that's not only a technical foulCopy !req
547. but possibly a homicideCopy !req
548. can I sleep past 3?Copy !req
549. If you do, you'll get a tCopy !req
550. - take a whiz in those flowers?
- I'll say, "hit the showers"Copy !req
551. - u se this horn as a bong?
- Adiós, Tommy ChongCopy !req
552. make some long-distance calls?Copy !req
553. You'll get a kick in the balls
oops!Copy !req
554. Can I walk around with
my morning erection?Copy !req
555. If you want an automatic ejectionCopy !req
556. 'cause that's a technical foulCopy !req
557. but I'd like to see it anywayCopy !req
558. just kidding.Copy !req
559. There are certain rules
which apply in one's lifeCopy !req
560. with your sister, friends
or imaginary wifeCopy !req
561. I can't believe I haven't killed myselfCopy !req
562. here with wigs McGee and the furry elfCopy !req
563. they took my wigCopy !req
564. I remember the look in their eyesCopy !req
565. I guess I'll have to deal
with your demandsCopy !req
566. but please don't touch me
with your alien handsCopy !req
567. I got no right to growlCopy !req
568. the whistle, she's on the prowlCopy !req
569. without my wig, I look like an owl
hoo! Hoo!Copy !req
570. - Oh, my God.
- Don't laugh at her.Copy !req
571. Or it's a technical foulCopy !req
572. a technical foulCopy !req
573. a technical foulCopy !req
574. Davey will have to make the best of this.Copy !req
575. - I guess I got to make the best of this.
- See. I told you.Copy !req
576. But that shouldn't be too hard for him.
Even loners need company sometimes.Copy !req
577. Shaving the chest.Copy !req
578. Nobody needs a uni-brow.Copy !req
579. This is going to scare her silly.Copy !req
580. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
581. Peanuts for me?Copy !req
582. - Wish we were taller, Eleanor?
- I can't reach the cobwebs.Copy !req
583. - Thank you, Davey.
- No problem, Eleanor.Copy !req
584. Good one, Eleanor.Copy !req
585. - Here you go.
- Thanks. Have a good day.Copy !req
586. Good luck, old man.Copy !req
587. Now I can understand wrapping
the cornmeal around the hot dog...Copy !req
588. But why the heck would they shove
this stick in here?Copy !req
589. I'm getting exhausted
trying to cut around it.Copy !req
590. You're supposed to hold the stick
and just eat the corn dog off of it.Copy !req
591. How futuristic.Copy !req
592. Oh, my God.Copy !req
593. Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.Copy !req
594. Thank you.Copy !req
595. Hey, Benny!Copy !req
596. Nice game against Saint Catherine's
today. How many buckets you score?Copy !req
597. Fourteen.Copy !req
598. You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.Copy !req
599. You just got to keep your elbows in.Copy !req
600. That's my man.Copy !req
601. Hey, you two, just doing circles.Copy !req
602. Oopsy-doodle!Copy !req
603. Yeah!Copy !req
604. I haven't done that in a while.Copy !req
605. Maybe I'm so excited about the banquet
tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.Copy !req
606. You'll extra-oomph yourself right into
another seizure if you don't calm down.Copy !req
607. He'll be all right. How'd you get
so good on the ice, anyways?Copy !req
608. In the '50s I reffed youth hockey
for a couple of seasons.Copy !req
609. Until a wrist shot caught him in the
back of the skull.Copy !req
610. Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.Copy !req
611. He was in a coma for three months.Copy !req
612. I needed the rest anyway.Copy !req
613. Could I get a lift from you, partner?Copy !req
614. Sure.Copy !req
615. So, Davey, did you play the hockey
when you were a child?Copy !req
616. No, hockey players get up too early.Copy !req
617. This guy's sport always was and always
will be basketball.Copy !req
618. Back in '81...Copy !req
619. He was the star of what is still
known to this very day...Copy !req
620. As the jcc miracle game.Copy !req
621. Oh, my.Copy !req
622. The jcc was down by 24 points.Copy !req
623. The bad news is we stand no chance
of winning this game.Copy !req
624. The good news is it's Hanukkah,
so you'll all get presents tonight anyway.Copy !req
625. Speaking of presents...Copy !req
626. Our parents come to all our games
even though we always lose.Copy !req
627. So I was thinking...Copy !req
628. Maybe tonight we could try to win one
for them. You know, as a gift.Copy !req
629. The only way that'll happen is if you
take all the shots.Copy !req
630. Well, if you guys don't mind...Copy !req
631. - It's okay with us.
- Go for it. You got it.Copy !req
632. Let's win!Copy !req
633. Where are your parents, anyways?Copy !req
634. I don't know. Hopefully, out
getting me an atari.Copy !req
635. All right, Davey!Copy !req
636. - Come on!
- Let's go!Copy !req
637. We'll take that.Copy !req
638. Not today.Copy !req
639. That kind of shooting makes me
want to do the robot dance.Copy !req
640. Nice story. You can stop now.Copy !req
641. No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.Copy !req
642. Can we just go? I'm cold.Copy !req
643. I want to hear what happens next.
It's like a fairy tale.Copy !req
644. Unfortunately, this fairy tale
doesn't have a happy ending.Copy !req
645. Davey was wondering
where his parents were.Copy !req
646. Turns out they were on their way
to the ball game...Copy !req
647. When a truck hit a patch of black ice
and swerved into oncoming traffic.Copy !req
648. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically
couldn't get out of the way in time.Copy !req
649. I couldn't believe something
that horrible...Copy !req
650. Could happen to a kid that nice.Copy !req
651. He walked right through that door
and into foster home after foster home...Copy !req
652. Until his 18th birthday.Copy !req
653. Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.
What in heaven's name did you do?Copy !req
654. Let's just get off of this.Copy !req
655. He didn't know how to handle it.Copy !req
656. What 12-year-old kid would?
He basically shut down.Copy !req
657. Davey, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
658. There's nothing to say.
My parents are dead.Copy !req
659. Happy Hanukkah.
Now, leave me alone.Copy !req
660. That's the saddest story I've ever heard.Copy !req
661. I'm out of here.
I don't need this sympathy crap.Copy !req
662. Maybe it's time you stop running
from your emotions.Copy !req
663. I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies...Copy !req
664. Who won't shut up about something
that isn't their business.Copy !req
665. You know, I read recently
in reader's digest...Copy !req
666. That people who let themselves cry
when they're hurting...Copy !req
667. Are often stronger than the people...Copy !req
668. Who try to hold all their pain inside.Copy !req
669. Did you read about a deformed referee
who spends 35 years...Copy !req
670. Trying to win some stupid patch...Copy !req
671. So he can pretend people
actually like him?Copy !req
672. Which month was that in?Copy !req
673. Take that back.Copy !req
674. If they have an award for the
freakiest looking fraternal twins...Copy !req
675. Who no one even gives a crap about,
you two are definitely winning.Copy !req
676. But that patch thing ain't ever
gonna happen for you...Copy !req
677. Because the truth is, nobody
in this town even knows you exist!Copy !req
678. You're an animal.Copy !req
679. And you're bald!Copy !req
680. Not again!Copy !req
681. You're not welcome in my house.Copy !req
682. Good, your house sucks!Copy !req
683. Do you have to be nasty to everyone
who tries to help you?Copy !req
684. That's my problem.Copy !req
685. He just a no-goodnik.Copy !req
686. And I am the real kristi yamaguchi.Copy !req
687. Wow. Just when you started to really
like Davey, he has a butthole relapse.Copy !req
688. Hey, fellas.Copy !req
689. You know, Eleanor really does
look like an owl.Copy !req
690. Sorry.Copy !req
691. Cheer up, Eleanor.
Let's just get ready for the banquet.Copy !req
692. It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,
fellas?Copy !req
693. You're a good deer.Copy !req
694. Let's try the red wig. And please,
don't crap on my carpet.Copy !req
695. Well, while Whitey and Eleanor
are getting ready for the banquet...Copy !req
696. The moron is having a party of his own.Copy !req
697. And when people get in the state
that Davey's in...Copy !req
698. They do really stupid things...Copy !req
699. Like go to a mall that's obviously
closed...Copy !req
700. To yell at a woman who's obviously
not there.Copy !req
701. Shut up!Copy !req
702. Jennifer!Copy !req
703. Jennifer!Copy !req
704. What's the matter with the way I live
my life? Huh, Jennifer?Copy !req
705. Where are you? Home reading
your baby boy a bedtime story...Copy !req
706. While he sucks his thumb
and goes pee-pee on his blanket?Copy !req
707. Horseshit!Copy !req
708. Look who finally showed up.
We've been waiting for you all night.Copy !req
709. Who said that?Copy !req
710. I said that. Everybody wake up!Copy !req
711. This is not a rehearsal.Copy !req
712. Numb-nuts is here.Copy !req
713. Roger on that. Over.Copy !req
714. Let's do this, people.Copy !req
715. Just let me put my teeth in.Copy !req
716. How do you like your java?Copy !req
717. With a shot of whiskey.Copy !req
718. Let's try it black instead.Copy !req
719. That burns!Copy !req
720. Wake up, kids.
Our hot and sour friend is here.Copy !req
721. We're coming!Copy !req
722. It's about time you got here.Copy !req
723. I've been tossing and turning.Copy !req
724. I know. I was watching you.Copy !req
725. I mean, me too.Copy !req
726. What the heck is happening right now?Copy !req
727. Something that should have happened
20 years ago.Copy !req
728. Time to cry, Davey. Over.Copy !req
729. What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.Copy !req
730. You can run from Whitey,
but you ain't gonna run from us.Copy !req
731. We all heard what happened
at the skating rink todayCopy !req
732. when Whitey brought up your sad past
you snapped and walked awayCopy !req
733. well, maybe they're onto something
that you should give a tryCopy !req
734. go ahead and let it out
and have yourself a cryCopy !req
735. let it out, DaveyCopy !req
736. shut your wooden mugsCopy !req
737. let it out, DaveyCopy !req
738. would you check out her bezugsCopy !req
739. you want me to deal with pain
well, "cheers" is what I sayCopy !req
740. this here stuff just numbs the pain
it don't make it go awayCopy !req
741. you try to act so toughCopy !req
742. but you just live a lieCopy !req
743. why don't you show your feminine side
and have yourself a cryCopy !req
744. let it out, DaveyCopy !req
745. I'll pour you down the sinkCopy !req
746. you gotta do it, DaveyCopy !req
747. y'all can bite my dinkCopy !req
748. you labels and logos are wasting
your time making me sit hereCopy !req
749. 'cause nothing you can say or do
will make me shed a tearCopy !req
750. he possesses a strong spiritCopy !req
751. and won't let down his guardCopy !req
752. so now we'll bring in the big gunCopy !req
753. his beautiful Hanukkah cardCopy !req
754. take it, Davey. It might have money in it.
Over.Copy !req
755. Happy Hanukkah to our wonderful sonCopy !req
756. you fill our livesCopy !req
757. with joyCopy !req
758. don't ever changeCopy !req
759. the way you areCopy !req
760. you beautifulCopy !req
761. twelve-year-oldCopy !req
762. boyCopy !req
763. breaking and entering.Copy !req
764. I knew you'd screw up eventually, Stone.Copy !req
765. - I'm sorry.
- Save your sorries for the judge.Copy !req
766. This is embarrassing.Copy !req
767. - Come on, guys.
- Okay, sweetheart.Copy !req
768. Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.Copy !req
769. You should let me be your date.Copy !req
770. I may be dirty and smelly,
but in the dark, I'm just smelly.Copy !req
771. Well, thank you, but he asked first.Copy !req
772. Oh, my God. Slow down.
Come on. I'm scared.Copy !req
773. Hey, why are we stopped now?
What are you doing? What's going on?Copy !req
774. Who's out there?
Do we need to call the police?Copy !req
775. Don't worry, Eleanor. I promise
you'll have a good time.Copy !req
776. All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.Copy !req
777. You look like Audrey hepburn if she was
four feet and weighed 300 pounds.Copy !req
778. Thank you.Copy !req
779. Watch the ice, Eleanor. Don't slip.Copy !req
780. It's all good, Whitey.Copy !req
781. Eleanor Duval? Is that you?Copy !req
782. Why do you want to know?Copy !req
783. What can we do you for, bub?Copy !req
784. I've been waiting to see your sister
for many years.Copy !req
785. Are you the kid who stole my wig?Copy !req
786. Yes, I'm Eli wolstan...Copy !req
787. And I've always felt bad about being
so thoughtless when I was young.Copy !req
788. So I wanted to return this to you.Copy !req
789. Thank you.Copy !req
790. Feel better?Copy !req
791. One more thing.Copy !req
792. Now I feel better.Copy !req
793. At least this one make me look pretty.Copy !req
794. Attention all officers.
Davey Stone is on the loose.Copy !req
795. Last bus to New York City now boarding.Copy !req
796. Whitey, they were giving out lobster
bibs in the bathroom.Copy !req
797. That's not a lobster bib, Eleanor.
That's a germ protector for your tushy.Copy !req
798. Okay. Well, I'll use it here.Copy !req
799. My hiney is germfree and I love it.Copy !req
800. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm mayor stuey duhy.Copy !req
801. I'd like to welcome you to the
35th annual...Copy !req
802. Youth league basketball
all-star banquet.Copy !req
803. For those of you celebrating Christmas
tomorrow, merry Christmas.Copy !req
804. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
805. For those of you celebrating
the eighth night of Hanukkah...Copy !req
806. Happy Hanukkah.Copy !req
807. Happy Hanukkah.Copy !req
808. Going to the big apple, son?Copy !req
809. Yeah.Copy !req
810. Business or pleasure?Copy !req
811. Freedom.Copy !req
812. I see. You're one of them
hippie-dippy fellas.Copy !req
813. Everyone knows I like to start
these events with a joke.Copy !req
814. But I've been so busy at the hardware
store this year...Copy !req
815. I've had no time to think of a great
one. But I thought of this driving here:Copy !req
816. Knock, knock.Copy !req
817. Who's there?Copy !req
818. - Don't you.
- Don't you, who?Copy !req
819. Don't you wish I hadn't been so busy
at the hardware store...Copy !req
820. And had more time to think
of a great one?Copy !req
821. Mom, I didn't get that one.Copy !req
822. I don't think anybody did.
People just try to be nice to the mayor.Copy !req
823. It's gonna be a good night. Let's get to it.Copy !req
824. The award for most impressive growth
goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.Copy !req
825. He is now about to take the stage
at his current height of 6-foot-5.Copy !req
826. Donald Hardy!Copy !req
827. Get up here, you beanpole.Copy !req
828. Saint lgnatius is number one!Copy !req
829. Hopefully that young man's getting
a weed whacker for Christmas.Copy !req
830. The mayor is very funny.Copy !req
831. Look at Davey, inches
from a clean getaway.Copy !req
832. But there's some things you
just aren't meant to get away from.Copy !req
833. What the hey?Copy !req
834. Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy!
We'll make it! Whoa!Copy !req
835. Nice driving skills, pal.Copy !req
836. That's the strangest thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
837. One thumbtack popped all eight
of my back tires.Copy !req
838. Okay. I see what you're doing.Copy !req
839. Who you talking to? Having one of
them hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?Copy !req
840. I need to go apologize to someone
before I leave.Copy !req
841. I know you hippies don't wear watches,
but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.Copy !req
842. I'll see you then.Copy !req
843. Run, hippie! Run!Copy !req
844. I'm just here to say I'm sorry
to the little guy. I swear.Copy !req
845. If I give myself a wedgie
will you believe me then?Copy !req
846. Okay?Copy !req
847. Glad we could work that out.Copy !req
848. I can't believe I'm in the same room
as the mayor.Copy !req
849. I can't believe how many rolls
you put in your purse.Copy !req
850. It'll be a nice snack for February.Copy !req
851. Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,
the dukesberry all-star patch...Copy !req
852. Was created 35 years ago to recognize
people for their tireless work ethic...Copy !req
853. Their unparalleled generosity...Copy !req
854. And their passion and dedication to
both the league and our fine community.Copy !req
855. Your hands are sopping wet.
Don't be so nervous, Whitey.Copy !req
856. I'm not nervous. I'm excited.Copy !req
857. I've been waiting 35 years
for this night.Copy !req
858. - You see something?
- Just some deer doing a pyramid.Copy !req
859. Okay, well, let's keep looking.Copy !req
860. Good job, fellas.Copy !req
861. Hand-picked by you,
the people of our fine town...Copy !req
862. I now present the 35th annual...Copy !req
863. Dukesberry all-star patch award...Copy !req
864. To...Copy !req
865. Please let there be a miracle.Copy !req
866. Tom baltezor.Copy !req
867. Tom, come up here and get this sucker.Copy !req
868. Attaboy, Tommy!Copy !req
869. We love you, Tommy!Copy !req
870. Nobody in this town even knows
you exist!Copy !req
871. All you people can bite
my germfree Booty!Copy !req
872. Looks like I better do a lot more than
apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.Copy !req
873. When I was a kid playing youth
league ball for Palmer episcopal...Copy !req
874. I dreamed of two things:Copy !req
875. Learning to make a lay-up with my left
hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.Copy !req
876. I think you all know which dream
came true.Copy !req
877. Wow!Copy !req
878. Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.Copy !req
879. And even though I don't recall scoring a
point during my four seasons of play...Copy !req
880. The memories of the fun times
I did have...Copy !req
881. Made it very easy for me to purchase
the new digital scoreboard...Copy !req
882. For the community centre
earlier this year.Copy !req
883. Thanks for the recognition.Copy !req
884. - Thanks for the scoreboard!
- Thank you, Tommy!Copy !req
885. Excuse me! Can I just say something?Copy !req
886. - There he is!
- Stone, what are you doing here?Copy !req
887. Getting himself arrested, mayor duhy.
He broke into the mall.Copy !req
888. I love it! Your ass busted!Copy !req
889. Now you go to jail
and marry big, smelly man.Copy !req
890. Stone, you screwed up for the last time.Copy !req
891. That 10-year sentence I promised you
starts tonight.Copy !req
892. Please, just let me speak for one second.Copy !req
893. Are those tears in his eyes?Copy !req
894. Finally.Copy !req
895. Let the guy talk!Copy !req
896. After all, it is the holidays.Copy !req
897. She's right. And then we'll
send him up the river.Copy !req
898. Okay, Mrs. triple nipple...
I mean, Mrs. selman.Copy !req
899. Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let's hear
your parting words of wisdom.Copy !req
900. I know you people don't like me or
care about my opinion, but here goes.Copy !req
901. Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey
should have won the patch tonight.Copy !req
902. You're all crazy for not realizing that.Copy !req
903. Why would we give Whitey Duval the
patch? So he could use it as a blanket?Copy !req
904. That's the reaction I thought I'd get.Copy !req
905. Everyone in this room has been
associated with WhiteyCopy !req
906. through basketball or the mallCopy !req
907. or various odd jobs he does around
town for free or at most a dollarCopy !req
908. and I'm guessing 99% of you have
either laughed in Whitey's faceCopy !req
909. or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or
voice or sister or shortnessCopy !req
910. when he wasn't lookingCopy !req
911. but the next time you'd see him, he'd go
out of his way to smile and wave at youCopy !req
912. and ask about your mother's operationCopy !req
913. because he, unlike us, actually
cares about someone other than himselfCopy !req
914. the reason I bring this up to youCopy !req
915. is because I was the worst offenderCopy !req
916. of allCopy !req
917. my life was simply going nowhereCopy !req
918. then a tiny, little man
rushed to my sideCopy !req
919. he should've gotten a big thank-youCopy !req
920. instead he got a port-a-potty rideCopy !req
921. I was such a shitheadCopy !req
922. but he never quit on meCopy !req
923. till I told him he was uselessCopy !req
924. and his sister was freakyCopy !req
925. once when we were watching
Sunday footballCopy !req
926. a fuzzy screen was all that
we could seeCopy !req
927. Whitey came over with a hangerCopy !req
928. and spent the game on top of our tvCopy !req
929. and when the lightning struck himCopy !req
930. he let out a wicked-loud yellCopy !req
931. but we just turned up the volumeCopy !req
932. and ignored the burning smellCopy !req
933. we should all rot in hellCopy !req
934. I went to high school with WhiteyCopy !req
935. as a joke I told him to meet me
at the promCopy !req
936. when he got there I said, "I can't
believe you thought I was serious"Copy !req
937. so he ran home crying and slow-danced
with his momCopy !req
938. what a crushing blow to WhiteyCopy !req
939. I bet you wish you could take it backCopy !req
940. how could you all be so mean to Whitey?Copy !req
941. Sound to me like you are all on crackCopy !req
942. huh?Copy !req
943. Tonight Whitey was counting on this townCopy !req
944. to show that we careCopy !req
945. but the first time he really needed usCopy !req
946. we weren't thereCopy !req
947. and on Christmas Eve
and the last night of HanukkahCopy !req
948. it's just not fairCopy !req
949. I wonder if that guyCopy !req
950. ever wiped his ass with
the wrong handCopy !req
951. yes.Copy !req
952. I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.Copy !req
953. We should go to the mall.Copy !req
954. That place always makes me feel better.Copy !req
955. But it's closed.Copy !req
956. Maybe the night guard
forgot to lock the door again.Copy !req
957. Well, if he didn't, we can at
least sit in front of it.Copy !req
958. These are desperate times.Copy !req
959. Let the door be open.
Please, just give me that.Copy !req
960. Thank God.Copy !req
961. This is the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.Copy !req
962. It's like a sanctuary.Copy !req
963. Eleanor, could you just give me a
second to say a few words in private?Copy !req
964. Take as much time as you need, Whitey.Copy !req
965. Hey, mall, long time no see.Copy !req
966. Fourteen hours to be exact.Copy !req
967. If you haven't heard by now...Copy !req
968. I didn't get that patch I've been
telling you about for all these years.Copy !req
969. In fact, I've been kind of kidding myself...Copy !req
970. To even think I was in the running.Copy !req
971. You see...Copy !req
972. The people of dukesberry...Copy !req
973. Think I'm nothing but a joke.Copy !req
974. So I was kind of thinking...Copy !req
975. Maybe I should move to a town
where nobody knows who I am.Copy !req
976. At least then they'd have a
reason not to acknowledge me.Copy !req
977. I think Eleanor might like Florida...Copy !req
978. And I hear they got some pretty
amazing malls there.Copy !req
979. You're not going anywhere.Copy !req
980. Holy shit, did the mall
just say something?Copy !req
981. No, it was me.Copy !req
982. What do you want, Stone?Copy !req
983. I came to apologize, Whitey.Copy !req
984. Well, there's nothing to apologize for,
Stone, because you were right.Copy !req
985. Nobody does care about me.Copy !req
986. I don't think that's true.
Do you, Mr. mayor?Copy !req
987. Whitey, tonight for the first time
in years...Copy !req
988. Your partner, Davey Stone, actually
did a good thing for this community.Copy !req
989. What he do, steal beer for everyone?Copy !req
990. No. He made me see how great Whitey
is and how neglectful we've all been.Copy !req
991. That's why I'm here, Whitey.
I'm here to fix a big mistake.Copy !req
992. It's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
993. you've waited oh, so longCopy !req
994. it's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
995. we're here to right our wrongCopy !req
996. for service to the league and this
community, I proudly present to you...Copy !req
997. The 35th annual dukesberry
all-star patch.Copy !req
998. But this is tom's.Copy !req
999. Mr. Duval, the 35th all-star
patch is now where it belongs.Copy !req
1000. I can't believe this is happening.Copy !req
1001. And the 34th!Copy !req
1002. And the 33rd!Copy !req
1003. And the 32nd, and the 31st, and the 30th!Copy !req
1004. - 29th!
- And the 16th!Copy !req
1005. - And the 28th!
- And the 23rd!Copy !req
1006. And the 27th!Copy !req
1007. - Oh, Whitey.
- And the 11th!Copy !req
1008. - And the 25th!
- And the 18th!Copy !req
1009. We love you, Whitey!Copy !req
1010. You stepped up for me, Stone.
I don't know if I could ever repay you.Copy !req
1011. Well, you can help me with my dream.Copy !req
1012. You got a dream? What is it?Copy !req
1013. To have someone wish me
a happy Hanukkah...Copy !req
1014. And feel as good as I used to
when my dad would say it to me.Copy !req
1015. Happy Hanukkah, Stone.Copy !req
1016. Merry Christmas, Whitey.Copy !req
1017. You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife
and I ever have a son...Copy !req
1018. I hope you consider him a brother.Copy !req
1019. Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend
I never heard you say that.Copy !req
1020. Appreciate it.Copy !req
1021. It's your moment, WhiteyCopy !req
1022. - enjoy, our tiny friend
- thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1023. Like the bavarian cream-filled donutCopy !req
1024. you ate last weekCopy !req
1025. thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1026. Would you three show Whitey and I...Copy !req
1027. How to light the Hanukkah candles
at our house tonight?Copy !req
1028. You up for that, pal?Copy !req
1029. And when Benjamin falls asleep...Copy !req
1030. The both of you can play
spin the dreidel for tongue kisses.Copy !req
1031. Sounds good to me.Copy !req
1032. Now, go live happily ever after or I'll
dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.Copy !req
1033. That won't be necessary.Copy !req
1034. They make a nice couple.Copy !req
1035. I neverCopy !req
1036. want this to endCopy !req
1037. don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.Copy !req
1038. This is the happiest seizure of my life.Copy !req
1039. See, I told you.Copy !req