Eddie Murphy Raw (1987)

1. Show me that little dance y'all be doing.

2. Now, I done told y'all to stop running in here.

3. Yes, ma'am.

4. I'm going to smack one of you now, you hear?

5. Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear?

6. See that chocolate cake I bought?

7. You mean, the chocolate cake that was on the counter?

8. Yeah. Where is it?

9. Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets.

10. He probably got it in there with the turkey leg

11. and the sweet potato pie.

12. No. Uh-huh.

13. Hey, little brother.

14. Show me that little dance y'all be doing.

15. Oooh-wheee!

16. Get down, Lester, you is talking!

17. You move like you're 21.

18. That dance ain't new.

19. It ain't nothing but the old shuffle-butt.

20. Well, show me that move.

21. Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

22. Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there?

23. Lester, she ain't your mama.

24. Yeah. Yeah. Junior!

25. Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

26. Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma.

27. That's my granddaughter. That's my niece.

28. Come on over here.

29. Mama, I got a joke.

30. Shh. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie.

31. Eddie. Eddie.

32. I got a joke to tell.

33. Once there was a lion and a monkey.

34. And the monkey said, "I can make the weather change."

35. The lion said, "No, you can't."

36. So the monkey started climbing up the tree.

37. And then he started peeing on the lion's head.

38. "Now it's raining!"

39. Then he started farting.

40. "Now there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing.

41. "Now it's snowing!"

42. So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?

43. Well, I can make the stars come out."

44. And then he kicked him in the ding-ding.

45. Thank you.

46. I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got talent.

47. My favorite movie is Trading Places.

48. 48 Hrs. Has to be.

49. Trading Places.

50. Beverly Hills Cop.

51. Delirious.

52. All of them. Beverly Hills Cop.

53. No, 48 Hrs. All of them.

54. Beverly Hills Cop. 48 Hrs.

55. All of them. 48 Hrs.

56. I even liked Best Defense.

57. I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.

58. I'm telling you, that behind and all.

59. Yeah, he's looking sexy.

60. He looks good. Handsome.

61. Thank you.

62. Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out.

63. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

64. And hello, New York City!

65. Thank you for coming out to the show.

66. Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all.

67. We filming a movie here tonight

68. and y'all going to be in this shit.

69. Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker.

70. Every now and then I take a joke too far, I get in trouble.

71. That's why I haven't been on the road the last three years.

72. 'Cause I did a lot—

73. Did y'all see Delirious?

74. In Delirious, I was making fun

75. out of a lot of entertainers too.

76. That's when I got scared.

77. 'Cause I did some jokes about Mr. T.

78. And Mr. T was going to fuck Ed up. He was—

79. And I was scared, 'cause y'all seen Mr. T.

80. He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight.

81. He looks like he can whip some ass, right?

82. And I was petrified.

83. I would walk at parties and people say,

84. "Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you."

85. He was walking up to people saying,

86. ( imitates Mr. T ): "I'm going to whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him."

87. Then I watched his show, 'cause I didn't know him,

88. I watched the show to see what kind of guy he was,

89. and the character on the show ain't too bright.

90. So I figured if he came up to me,

91. I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

92. Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard you did some jokes about me."

93. "No, you didn't." "Maybe I didn't."

94. "I'm going to go beat up the fool that told me them lies."

95. I was scared. I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me,

96. I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T.

97. Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me.

98. And I was like...

99. Yo, when Mike— My manager called me up and said,

100. "Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, "So?"

101. You know, 'cause I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike—

102. Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know.

103. I bust that ass on Mike.

104. I was looking for him, but my manager said,

105. "We don't know everything about Michael Jackson.

106. "He might be this bad motherfucker

107. "behind closed doors.

108. "He's a recluse. You know, behind closed doors,

109. "he might be completely different."

110. And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day

111. and it'd be like this.

112. ( high-pitched voice ): "Can I talk to you for a minute?

113. "Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man?

114. "Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh?

115. "What's all the motherfucking jokes?

116. "You don't like my clothes?

117. "What's your motherfucking problem?

118. "I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,

119. "I will bust your ass.

120. "Get the fuck out, motherfucker...

121. "I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker.

122. "You mind your motherfucking business.

123. "I hear some more shit,

124. "I'm going to put this glove up your ass.

125. I'll see you later."

126. That's a dumb— I could never—

127. I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk

128. and I can't do the shit. It's shitty.

129. It's the dumbest dance ever, 'cause I can't do it,

130. that's why I say it's stupid.

131. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?

132. Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance.

133. See you later."

134. Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit.

135. Michael can do that shit, though.

136. Michael's so famous,

137. Michael went on television and everything he says,

138. the public believes.

139. Went on television and said,

140. "I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs."

141. And the public believed it.

142. I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here."

143. And white people was going,

144. ( uptight voice ): "That Michael's a special kind of guy.

145. "He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome."

146. You know how I knew y'all believed it?

147. Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields

148. to the Grammys.

149. Nobody white said shit.

150. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America.

151. That's Miss America every year is Brooke.

152. Fuck who you see with the crown.

153. You look up "white woman" in the dictionary,

154. be a picture of Brooke like this...

155. She's white.

156. And this nigga took her to the Grammys,

157. nobody said shit.

158. If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys,

159. y'all would lose your mind.

160. 'Cause y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night.

161. And Brooke knew too.

162. That's why we going this year. No...

163. Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about—

164. I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago

165. and faggots were mad. They were like—

166. And they were—

167. There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you.

168. I'd be at parties—

169. There's always two or three homosexuals at a party.

170. They'd be standing around looking at you,

171. they'd be looking at...

172. ( fey voice ): "He's an asshole."

173. I can't travel the country freely no more.

174. I can't go to San Francisco.

175. They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport.

176. Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like,

177. ( lisping ): "He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!"

178. And the cars would come rushing across town. It'd be:

179. And it won't be no siren,

180. it'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going,

181. "Whoo-whoo-whoo.

182. "Whooooooooooow.

183. "Pull over. Pull over.

184. "Pull over. I'm going to read him his rights.

185. "You have the right to remain silent.

186. "Anything you say can and will be held against you

187. "in the court of law.

188. "You have the right to an attorney.

189. "Now turn around. I'm going to frisk you.

190. "Are you carrying any concealed weapons?

191. "Are you carrying—? What is this? What is this?

192. "Lay down on the floor and spread them.

193. Whoo!"

194. Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?

195. Yeah!

196. I do too. I love Bill Cosby's show.

197. I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life.

198. Never met the man before,

199. but he called me up about a year ago

200. and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage.

201. It was real weird, 'cause I had never met him

202. and he just thought it was—

203. He should call me up, 'cause he was Bill,

204. and tell me that he did— About what comedy is all about.

205. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me.

206. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown.

207. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit.

208. And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill

209. and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me.

210. I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?" And you hear...

211. ( imitates Bill Cosby ): "I would like to talk to you...

212. "about some of the things

213. "that you do in your show.

214. Now, I'm going to tell you a story."

215. He always tells you stories.

216. "I would like to tell you a story.

217. "I have five children.

218. "One, two, three, four, five. Five— Five children.

219. "I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille,

220. "and my five children.

221. "Now... of the five children that we have,

222. "there are four girls and a boy.

223. "The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do.

224. "Comes home from school the other day

225. "with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me.

226. "He walks through the door,

227. "looking at me with this big smile,

228. "and I cannot resist,

229. "because it's such a beautiful smile.

230. "And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about?'

231. "And the child says to me,

232. 'I'm smiling because I need money

233. 'to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

234. Please give me money for a ticket.'

235. "Now, if the child is smiling this way

236. "because he needs money for a ticket,

237. "I have to give him money for a ticket.

238. "I do not handle the money in the house.

239. "My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money.

240. "So I must go into the kitchen,

241. "to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family.

242. "And she is inside the kitchen cooking.

243. "And she's got a bowl.

244. "And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up.

245. "And the child walks in the room with the smile

246. "and he says, 'Mother, please, money.'

247. "She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show.

248. "Now, we sit in the living room

249. "waiting for Ennis to return.

250. "At about 5:00 in the morning,

251. "the child comes through the door.

252. "He has a different look on his face.

253. "A look like he heard something at your show

254. "that he's never heard before.

255. "And I say to my child, I say, 'Child...'

256. "I say, 'What did the man say on the stage?'

257. "And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out

258. and says these things.'

259. "I say, 'Well, what did he say'

260. "He says 'Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.'

261. "I say, 'What did he do?' 'Pop, he walks out and he goes,

262. "Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff.

263. "And suck it and stick it down in your mouth

264. and suck it, suck it.'"

265. "You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn,

266. filth in front of people."

267. And I say, "I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'."

268. He says "You know what I'm talking about.

269. "I can't use the type of language that you use,

270. "but you know what I mean

271. when I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'."

272. I say, "I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'.

273. "I don't know what you're talking about.

274. I'm offended that you called. Fuck you."

275. That's when Bill got pissed and said,

276. "That's what I'm talking about.

277. "You cannot say 'fuck'...

278. in front of people."

279. And I got mad.

280. 'Cause he thought that was my whole act.

281. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left.

282. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses.

283. You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,

284. "motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night.

285. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye."

286. I was pissed off.

287. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor's house up.

288. I said, "Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up

289. and told me I was too dirty." Richard said,

290. ( imitates Richard Pryor ): "The next time motherfucker call,

291. "tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.'

292. "'Cause I don't give a fuck.

293. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit."

294. He said, "Do the people laugh when you say what you say?"

295. I said, "Yes." "Do you get paid?"

296. I said, "Yes."

297. He said, "Well, tell Bill I said,

298. 'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.'

299. The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker."

300. Richard— Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business.

301. Richard's the one that made me wanna do comedy.

302. When I was little,

303. I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to—

304. Remember, you'd sneak in the basement, put his albums on,

305. and just listen, and your mother ain't supposed to hear,

306. and you're listening to this shit and I turned it—

307. I wanted to be Richard so bad,

308. I used to go out on-stage when I was 15

309. and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard Pryor.

310. My mother would sit there and watch

311. her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit.

312. My whole act back then was about taking a shit,

313. because that's all I had done at 15.

314. That was my life experience,

315. but it sounded like Richard Pryor jokes.

316. I'd be going, "You ever, like, sometime, right,

317. "you get on that toilet

318. "and when you shit, that water splash up on your ass?

319. "Don't that make you mad, right?

320. "You know what really make me mad?

321. "It's when shit come halfway out your ass,

322. "then go back up in that motherfucker.

323. "Right? Why do shit be teasing your ass, right?

324. "Just get the fuck out, right?

325. "You know what really bother me

326. "is when you be straining for a long time, right?

327. "And one little pebble shit come out.

328. "Right? Be some shit this big, right?

329. "Wanna push your head up your asshole, say,

330. 'That's all the shit I'm going to get, motherfucker'

331. "You know what really make me mad,

332. "when your ass don't cooperate with you

333. "and clench up and break the shit in half.

334. "You be mad as a motherfucker too,

335. "'cause you know you got to wipe your ass

336. "for, like, five hours and shit, right?

337. "Use 12 rolls of toilet paper on that motherfucker.

338. "You know what really make me mad,

339. "though, is afterwards, right? Is after you shit

340. "you done all the shitting you going to do

341. "for the whole day, right?

342. "You finish shitting and you flush the toilet

343. "and wait a second and one chunk come back.

344. What does that chunk want?"

345. That was my act. My mother sit there shocked.

346. If you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit.

347. All you hear is "shit, ass, shit, shit."

348. See, I got a lot of foreigners that come over.

349. I got a lot of people from other countries have seen my films

350. and come over to the U. S.,

351. 'cause New York is a tourist place,

352. and they get HBO and they catch Delirious

353. and they can't speak English and try to do my act on the street

354. and all they got is the curses.

355. I got foreigners from all over the world walking up, going,

356. ( foreign accent ): "Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!

357. "Fuck you, Eddie.

358. "I know you.

359. "I see you on television.

360. "You're the 'fuck you' man, right?

361. "I love it. Suck my dick, huh?

362. "Suck it, you black motherfucker.

363. "I love it. The best motherfucker.

364. The 'fuck you' man."

365. Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year.

366. Don't you "ooh" and "aah."

367. Got to get married in the'80s. Now, I read the papers.

368. I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out."

369. Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit.

370. You can't just keep messing around like you used to.

371. Eventually, your dick will fall off.

372. Remember—? Remember, like, VD in the'60s?

373. That shit don't just sting no more.

374. Every time they cure something,

375. it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now.

376. They got dudes in the doctor's office

377. with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc, um...

378. "what does it mean when you go to the bathroom and, um...

379. fire shoot out your dick?"

380. "Let me get this right.

381. "So you're getting a burning sensation

382. when you urinate?"

383. "No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

384. "A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee.

385. "I can't even pee in the house, I burn my house down.

386. "I gotta go outside to pee.

387. "I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me,

388. "I turned around and burned him up on the street.

389. "That's what I'm trying to say.

390. 'Cause my dick is a blowtorch, is what I'm trying to say."

391. Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays

392. is like playing Russian roulette.

393. And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night.

394. Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time you do it.

395. You gambling with your dick, saying,

396. "Come on, need a woman with a mind. I need a perfect person.

397. "Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me.

398. "Give it to me, now!

399. "Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch.

400. "No, give my dick back. No.

401. "I'm going to keep rolling. I got one more roll in me.

402. "I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind,

403. "intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now!

404. "Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back.

405. "Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet.

406. "I'm going to keep rolling. This is my last roll.

407. "This is the last one. This is the one for me.

408. "Miss Right. Hey, blow on this for luck please.

409. "This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go.

410. "Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.

411. My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined."

412. So be careful. Get married.

413. I went out and found the perfect woman.

414. Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin.

415. Nobody ever fucked her.

416. And had an ass like this...

417. Pow!

418. And her legs are like, blam! Her titties are like, pow!

419. She was so fine. She's one of the people that's so fine,

420. when you see them, they make you ugly.

421. You be like, "Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?"

422. She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off.

423. I said, "That's it, I'm getting married.

424. This is it. Going to be me and her."

425. I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping.

426. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine

427. while I was waiting on the line

428. and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page.

429. There was a picture of him like this...

430. Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?"

431. I turned to the inside story

432. and his wife was on the other page and she was like this...

433. And over her head it said,

434. "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money."

435. I turned that shit back to Johnny.

436. Then I started thinking about it. Half.

437. If you— If you have five dollars

438. and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset.

439. Johnny had to have at least 300 million.

440. And have to give up $150 million?

441. And they wasn't even married but ten years.

442. And $150 million? Get—

443. Give me a fucking break. What—? What—?

444. And ladies— Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on."

445. Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million.

446. I see a lot of you ladies going,

447. "Get all the money you can, shit.

448. "I'm glad she did get all that money.

449. "She earned it. She earned it. That— You damn right.

450. She was married to him, she deserved that money."

451. Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit.

452. No. Stop it.

453. No, don't get me wrong.

454. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything

455. and you build 300 million together, you deserve half.

456. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met.

457. And I'm quite sure she knew.

458. Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny."

459. She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker."

460. And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out.

461. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money.

462. And don't get me wrong ladies.

463. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going,

464. "You can't put a price on what I do."

465. But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million,

466. you ain't no regular housewife.

467. You ain't got to clean the house no more.

468. You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit!

469. You marry a man with $300 million,

470. you ain't cooking no more. You're eating out.

471. You marry a man with $300 million.

472. You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side

473. to help make ends meet?

474. He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker.

475. What you going to do,

476. get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit?

477. And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest.

478. "Now we have $300 million and $70.

479. Because I want to do my share." No.

480. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million,

481. is fuck your husband.

482. That's it! That's your job.

483. Fuck your husband! That's it.

484. That's— Just fuck your husband.

485. You fill out a W-2, they say, "What you do?"

486. You say, "I fuck my husband." That's it.

487. And I've had my share of pussy.

488. I have yet— Even if the pussy was great

489. and sparks shot out the woman's ass

490. and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled

491. and the seas roared,

492. no pussy is worth $150 million!

493. No pussy.

494. I'd like to meet some pussy like that.

495. Put the shit on layaway.

496. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified.

497. Man, you know what's real scary

498. is that American women in the'80s

499. have become very business-conscious.

500. Y'all the most resourceful

501. and the most business-smart women on the planet.

502. Now, in the'80s.

503. And it would be an asset to us, as American men,

504. if you weren't so vindictive.

505. 'Cause the two don't match.

506. Then, what's really fucked up, is y'all the most loving people.

507. American women are all off into this romance

508. and want to be romantic and they genuinely fall in love with you.

509. Now, love and money do not mix.

510. The shit don't mix.

511. Especially if you got a business-smart woman—

512. You go up and say, "I never met anybody like you before."

513. "I never met anyone like you." "Why don't we be together."

514. "Will you marry me?" "I thought you'd never ask."

515. "Before we get married, why don't you sign

516. this prenuptial agreement."

517. "What do you mean, sign a prenuptial agreement?"

518. "That's a contract that stipulates if we ever break up,

519. you take what you had and I take what I had."

520. "First of all, I don't give a fuck who you are

521. "and what you have, okay?

522. "You got a lot of motherfucking nerve

523. by asking me to sign a contract.

524. "There's nothing a man can do for me

525. "that I can't do for myself.

526. "You got a whole lot of... I love you.

527. "Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you?

528. "If I need something, I can go to my family.

529. My family takes care of me."

530. And men hear all that shit and we be like this, "Okay.

531. We don't need no contract."

532. And you don't get a contract and get married without one,

533. and the shit don't work out and you break up a year later.

534. She's sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad,

535. trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass.

536. "I can't believe that motherfucker did this to me!

537. "After all the shit I did—

538. "All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me?

539. "Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass!

540. "I don't give a shit about either one of them.

541. "I don't want shit from him or her and I don't care.

542. "You know something? You know what I should—? You know—?

543. "Half!

544. I'll take half his shit!"

545. And they'll get it.

546. They'll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony,

547. child support and your children.

548. You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this...

549. So be careful!

550. I started having nightmares.

551. I was waking up in the middle of the night like this...

552. "Half!"

553. 'Cause I'm into American women. I like American women.

554. I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend.

555. And Japanese women

556. are the most docile women on the planet.

557. They're real— They're real timid,

558. timid, timid, timid women.

559. I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl,

560. bowed to me when I walked in.

561. I said, "What's wrong with your wife's back and shit?"

562. He said, "That's a Japanese thing. They always bow."

563. And I was like, "Oh, shit. Miss, did you decorate the house?"

564. She looked at her husband, he did like this...

565. "You may speak." And she spoke.

566. And I was like, "Now, that's pussy control for you, there."

567. You know, 'cause I'm used to American women saying,

568. "You don't own me."

569. "Hey, baby, where you going?"

570. "Excuse me?"

571. "I said, where you going?"

572. "You don't own me."

573. "You my woman, ain't you?"

574. "I don't see no rings on these fingers.

575. Are you going to put a ring on this finger?"

576. "Well, I..."

577. "Then you don't own me then, okay?

578. "I don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, okay?

579. "You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I'm going.

580. "I don't answer to my father, I ain't going to answer to no man.

581. "Ain't no man going to tell me where I can go.

582. "Who do you think you are?

583. "To come and ask me where I'm going? Nobody owns me.

584. I own myself. I am my own person."

585. And we hear all that shit, then be, "Okay.

586. Well, where you going to be?"

587. "I'm going to be where I'm at!

588. You don't own me!"

589. Well, you don't. You don't own your woman.

590. "You going to put a ring on my finger?"

591. That shuts you right up.

592. You say, "Okay." 'Cause you don't.

593. I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman.

594. And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream

595. and the candy and the flowers

596. and the anklets and the bracelets

597. and help her get some clothes.

598. You spending all your money on shit

599. you ain't never spent it on. But you don't own her.

600. 'Cause theoretically, that pussy's on lease.

601. You're leasing the pussy. With an option to buy.

602. But be careful, 'cause you lose half on the trade-in.

603. You got to be careful.

604. You gotta have a J-O-B in the'80s.

605. You gotta have some money, you can't get no pussy.

606. Listen to the radio. That's what it's about.

607. Listen to Madonna.

608. "I'm a material girl in a material world,

609. you ain't got no money, you can't have no pussy."

610. Basically what it is. There's a song out now called

611. "Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me."

612. And the lyrics go,

613. "Ain't nothing going on but the rent."

614. Like if you went up and said, "Hey, baby, what's going on?"

615. "The rent, motherfucker."

616. "Do you have a job?" "Well, I..."

617. "Then get the fuck out my face."

618. Got to have some money.

619. It says, "No romance without finance."

620. And women love them songs. They be going,

621. Janet Jackson got a hit record...

622. "What Have You Done For Me Lately."

623. That's what they be thinking, is,

624. "What have you done for me lately?"

625. The record start off like that.

626. "I know he used to do shit for you,

627. but what has he done for you lately?"

628. "Baby, I love you."

629. "What have you done for me lately?"

630. "You the only thing on my mind."

631. "What have you done for me lately?"

632. "We make good love."

633. "What have you done for me lately?"

634. Got to have some money to get some pussy in the'80s.

635. It's fucked up, that's why I say, hey, I'm a target.

636. If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa

637. and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch...

638. that knows nothing about money.

639. She got to be butt naked on a zebra

640. with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip

641. and a big, fucked-up Afro!

642. Her Afro— Afro gotta—

643. Like, Angela Davis see it and go,

644. "Goddamn, that's some fucked-up shit."

645. Afro gotta be fucked up

646. and one of them picks with a fist in the back.

647. And she gotta be butt naked, 'cause if she got some clothes,

648. she going to have to put something in the pockets.

649. She's gotta be butt naked on the zebra.

650. And y'all think it's a joke.

651. I'm going to walk up and say,

652. "Hey, how you doing? My name's—"

653. And she go... ( speaks gibberish )

654. I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy."

655. And I'm going to bring her home.

656. Y'all going to go past a newsstand one day

657. and see me on the cover of JET

658. with some woman with a big bone and a plate

659. and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked,

660. and y'all going to say, "Eddie must be visiting Africa."

661. It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch." I'm going to be like...

662. What?

663. What?

664. 'Cause I ain't getting caught.

665. I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that.

666. And I'm going to bring her home and lock her up in the house.

667. You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman,

668. you can't let her mingle with American women.

669. 'Cause they'll change her shit up.

670. American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see

671. is you got some trained bush bitch in your house.

672. They will catch her by herself in the kitchen

673. and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program.

674. Soon as they get her alone, they be like,

675. "I can't stand the way you be

676. "doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being.

677. "This house is too big for one person to clean.

678. "Why don't you leave?

679. "You always crying. Just leave him. You know something?

680. "Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that?

681. "He didn't tell you you were entitled to half?

682. "He only told you half the story then, girl.

683. "You can take half the money,

684. "the car, the house, the children, all the money.

685. "You can buy all the zebras and bones you want.

686. "Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right.

687. "Cut that Afro off, go back home in style.

688. "Who the hell he think he is?

689. "Let me tell you something else about Eddie Murphy.

690. "That motherfucker ain't nothing but—

691. "Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?

692. "Oh, I didn't know you was here. You scared me.

693. "No, I can't stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu

694. "about a couple of things.

695. "No, no, no, I got to go. I got to—

696. "You two— Y'all two lovebirds talk.

697. "Eddie, talk to your— Talk to Uhmfufu.

698. "Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie.

699. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."

700. And leave me in the kitchen

701. with some bush bitch

702. with an attitude.

703. ( African accent ): "Eddie!

704. "Eddie!

705. "I want to talk to you!"

706. "What's your problem, baby?"

707. "I don't like the way you treat me, Eddie.

708. You treat me like animal."

709. "You was butt naked on a zebra last month."

710. "I don't care, Eddie. I am American woman now.

711. "I want what's coming to me.

712. Eddie, what have you done for me lately?"

713. "I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?"

714. "Half!

715. "Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man.

716. "Suck my dick, Eddie.

717. You motherfucker."

718. Then I'd be on the front page

719. of the African Enquirer like this...

720. So be careful. Don't get caught in a trap.

721. Any woman can get any man she wants

722. if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you.

723. They have figured us out.

724. We're very easy creatures to figure out.

725. And women know all they have to do

726. is cater to our egos enough and they can have you.

727. Guys, how many times have you fucked

728. some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around

729. and you had to fuck her?

730. And then afterwards you be like this,

731. "I can't believe I fucked this bitch."

732. They just cater to your ego.

733. Sometimes you'll see a real ugly bitch

734. with a handsome dude. You say, "How that happen?"

735. Dude's going, "Yeah, how that happen?"

736. 'Cause she catered to his ego. They can figure us out.

737. Guys, don't get trapped. We'll call them "pussy traps."

738. Let's call them pussy traps.

739. It's a trap. They trap you with the pussy.

740. They catch you with the pussy, see. And it's a trap.

741. The most common trap is to not give you any, though.

742. Don't think, "Maybe you're going to put a trap on."

743. The most common is when you ain't getting any at all,

744. that's the trap.

745. When you meet a woman and everything is perfect

746. and she won't do anything, it's a trap.

747. Sometimes it backfires,

748. 'cause a lot of women play these games with sex.

749. And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys,

750. but they act like they don't.

751. But they do. There's not a woman...

752. There's not a woman in this room right now that wouldn't rather

753. be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them.

754. Don't you let them fool you.

755. They like it just as much as us.

756. See, ladies sitting there going,

757. "That's true.

758. "He's funny, but he's not that funny.

759. I'll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will."

760. They like it just as much as us, but they play these games.

761. Know where it backfires on you, ladies?

762. When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him,

763. you like each other, everything is perfect,

764. but you won't do anything. He say, "Baby, let's go."

765. You say, "No, I'm not going to do it."

766. And after that, he don't like you no more.

767. But he still wants to fuck you.

768. So he waits. He be like, "Okay, I'll wait.

769. Goodnight." And you wait.

770. You wait three months.

771. Then you finally get it and she's like this, "I'm yours."

772. And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!

773. Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face."

774. Be careful. Don't get trapped.

775. I told you the most common trap is to not give you any.

776. Let me hear the men clap that are with women

777. that you've never slept with before.

778. Let me hear you clap, truthfully.

779. Look at the ladies going, "Stop clapping."

780. Shame on you. You should've fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.

781. Shame on you. Y'all should've fucked them.

782. These men like you and you just won't do it,

783. 'cause you're trying to trap...

784. Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you.

785. This is what is going on inside your house every night.

786. "Baby, come on, now, please."

787. She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop."

788. "Baby, come on, please. Would you stop—?

789. "Oh, stop. Can we please stop? Are we going to go too far?"

790. "I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby."

791. "We could— Stop. I just don't think the time is right."

792. "Well, my dick don't get much harder than this.

793. I been waiting for three months. What's the problem?"

794. "I don't wanna fuck. I wanna make love.

795. "I've had too many relationships that didn't work out.

796. "And you're very special to me.

797. "I know all the girls do everything that you want.

798. And I don't wanna go through... ( babbling indistinctly )

799. Why are you doing this?"

800. And men see those tears and we be, "Okay.

801. We don't have to do nothing."

802. Then you go out and your friends be,

803. "Yo, man, you fuck her yet?"

804. "No."

805. "Why not?" "She's special.

806. She said she don't wanna fuck, she wanna make love."

807. Which is bullshit.

808. I mean, fucking and making love, let's be real.

809. I mean, the physical act...

810. I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with.

811. But I ain't making love to nobody. I get into bed—

812. I get into bed... ( chuckles )

813. I get into bed...

814. When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say,

815. "Oh, make love to me"

816. or grab the back of your head and say,

817. "Fuck the shit out of me.

818. You motherfucker"?

819. "Just fuck, mother— Fuck me, goddamn it."

820. You want somebody in the bed with you,

821. ( uptight voice ): "Oh, darling, I want to make love to you."

822. That type of shit.

823. Ah...

824. ( forceful voice ) "You a motherfucker..."

825. I'm a realist. But they'll tell you,

826. "I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love."

827. And they make you wait.

828. And you wait and wait and wait and wait.

829. And you just keep on waiting,

830. you just wait and finally she gives you some.

831. And it's the best you ever had in your life.

832. You come harder than you've ever came.

833. "This was it. This was the feeling I've been searching for.

834. I finally made love."

835. You didn't make love.

836. It just felt real good. You know why?

837. 'Cause you waited five months for it.

838. If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker...

839. you going to be like this...

840. "Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life!

841. "That ain't no regular cracker, was it?

842. "What was that, a Saltine? Goddamn, that was delicious.

843. "That wasn't no Saltine. That was...

844. "That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz?

845. "God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life.

846. Can I have another one, please? Please, one more."

847. Then you get married, 'cause you think you've found the bomb.

848. Have the same crackers every day for a year.

849. And you roll over one day and be like,

850. "Hey, I just got some regular old crackers."

851. Try to leave? Half!

852. So be careful.

853. Marry someone that's not going to fool around on you.

854. Which would be hard to do in the'80s,

855. 'cause everybody's fucking each other nowadays.

856. It's like Fuckfest'87.

857. Everybody— Everybody is fucking and it really—

858. It's getting bad.

859. Let me hear the women clap

860. that are loyal to their men, truthfully.

861. Let me hear you clap.

862. Okay, now, let me hear—

863. Let me hear the women clap that have men

864. that are loyal to them, truthfully.

865. Yeah, I see.

866. Y'all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now.

867. Let me hear the men clap.

868. Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women.

869. Stop.

870. You lying motherfuckers, stop.

871. Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.

872. Fuck, there ain't no such thing as a loyal man,

873. you lying motherfuckers. Stop it.

874. Yeah, the only reason you're clapping is 'cause your woman's

875. sitting next to you right now when I asked you.

876. When I asked the question, she looked at you like this...

877. "You going to put your hands together?

878. "You better stomp your feet

879. "and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it.

880. Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap."

881. "She's number one!"

882. Get the fuck out of here. No such thing as a loyal man.

883. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps

884. and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men.

885. All men fuck other women.

886. We are low by nature and have to do it.

887. We are men. All men do it.

888. We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing.

889. Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get.

890. Do not think for two seconds

891. that you are the only one your man is fucking.

892. He is a man and has to conquer women.

893. I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going,

894. "Not my man." Yes, your man too.

895. Your man too.

896. If he's not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody.

897. Because he is a man.

898. It has nothing to do with you.

899. You can have the best pussy in the world.

900. There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it.

901. Your man's still going to go fuck somebody else,

902. 'cause he is a man.

903. It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it.

904. You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men.

905. I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too...

906. "Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!

907. I ain't spent all my money for this, motherfucker!"

908. You going to be driving home tonight

909. with your wife in the car like this...

910. "You don't really be fooling around

911. like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?"

912. "No, baby. That's just jokes.

913. "That Ed sure is funny, ain't he?

914. "Why don't we change the subject.

915. "Let's talk about something completely different.

916. I don't wanna talk about this foolin' around stuff."

917. "I do wanna talk about this foolin' around stuff.

918. "Why does he have to lie to me?

919. "I think he was telling the truth.

920. "If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted,

921. "I would wait until you went to sleep,

922. I would come inside the room and kill you."

923. Thanks, Eddie! We love you!

924. "Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.

925. "I ain't got to worry about getting killed.

926. "As much as I love you, I wouldn't fool around.

927. "Why don't we change the subject.

928. Let's talk about the Richard Pryor."

929. "I don't wanna talk about the Richard Pryor.

930. "I wanna talk about this, 'cause if you fooled around,

931. I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?"

932. "What would you do, baby, take half?"

933. "No, I'd wait till you went to sleep

934. and I'd come inside the room and cut your dick off."

935. "Don't be talking about cutting off my dick."

936. "Well, you don't be putting your dick in nobody else, then."

937. "Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off my dick,

938. "you better run, goddamn it.

939. Stop making them dick threats."

940. The woman's favorite— Y'all always make—

941. That's a woman's favorite threat, is,

942. "I'll do something to your dick."

943. "If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts.

944. "A man put his hands— You put your hands on me,

945. I'm going to kick you where it hurts."

946. Always dick threats. Y'all don't realize

947. how sensitive nuts are, do you?

948. Men don't like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody...

949. "I'll kick you in the nuts." It make you wince, be like,

950. "Ooh, change the subject, please."

951. You don't have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody.

952. You could just graze nuts...

953. and the man would be fucked up.

954. And that pain is worse,

955. 'cause it don't set in for, like, ten seconds.

956. You be wondering if it's going to hurt.

957. You say, "I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just...?"

958. There's no getting around it. "I'll kick you in your nuts."

959. You don't have to kick. You could just graze it.

960. Y'all do that shit when you play-fight.

961. You ever have a woman play-fight with you?

962. Your man get serious when they threaten your dick.

963. You be, "Hey, baby, come on." ( pants )

964. And she go, "Ha, ha." You say, "Hey, hey, hey.

965. "I think playtime is over.

966. "You're getting a little crazy."

967. That's why men don't like to handle little babies.

968. Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on

969. with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old,

970. you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong

971. and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet.

972. And both of y'all be dribbling. You be like...

973. And their mother think you talking baby talk.

974. "Oh, that's so cute, the way they talking."

975. And you be... ( mumbles )

976. "Yeah, go to your mother, please."

977. "What's the matter, he stink?"

978. "No, I'm about to throw this motherfucker someplace.

979. "Get a little older, I'm going to kick you in your baby nuts,

980. and see how you like it."

981. "I kick him in his nuts."

982. Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts.

983. You know what, ladies?

984. I had a woman ask me the other day,

985. "You know why I say my thing?

986. "I wanna know why all men fool around.

987. "Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do

988. "and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck.

989. I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?"

990. Then you call up your girlfriends and go, "Why?"

991. She go, "I don't know. My man ain't home."Why?"

992. Then you call up your mother and say, "Mama, why?"

993. She go, "I don't know, your father ain't home."

994. "Why? Why?"

995. I'll tell you why all men fool around.

996. Why? Hear the ladies go, "Why?"

997. Men fool around because of this.

998. And look at all the women in the audience right now

999. looking up here like this...

1000. We fool around because we figured women out.

1001. We did. See, a lot of you ladies going,

1002. "What does he mean, he figured us out?"

1003. And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what does he mean,

1004. we figured them out?"

1005. We figured you out in this sense, and this is true.

1006. Anybody's ever done this—

1007. Anybody's ever done this will agree with what I'm saying.

1008. Any woman that's ever had this done to her

1009. will agree what I'm going to say.

1010. Those of you who've never done this will go, "I disagree."

1011. But once you make a woman come real hard,

1012. once you make a woman say,

1013. "Oooh."

1014. No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong,

1015. no matter what you say,

1016. no matter what you do, as long as you say,

1017. "I'm sorry," she will listen to your story.

1018. And that's the truth.

1019. That's the God's honest truth.

1020. It is the truth. Stop it. It's the truth.

1021. It is the truth.

1022. And, ladies, as soon as y'all make that noise,

1023. your relationship will change with your man. 'Cause we know.

1024. We wait on that noise. We waiting on it.

1025. 'Cause we know we can act different as soon as you go,

1026. "Oooh."

1027. We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man

1028. couldn't make it, he would call?

1029. No more of that shit. He heard you go, "Oooh."

1030. Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you?

1031. No more of that. You made that noise.

1032. Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go,

1033. "Oooh."

1034. Our face is in the pillow like this,

1035. "I got this motherfucker now, boy."

1036. Then you start talking to her...

1037. "Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?"

1038. "Oh, it's your pussy! It's your pussy!"

1039. "Oooh."

1040. And your relationship changes from that moment.

1041. The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking...

1042. "Oh, my God. Oh, I can't believe it.

1043. I never came like that before. I can't believe it."

1044. And their man get real cold, saying shit like,

1045. "Why don't you shake your ass home."

1046. "What are you talking about?

1047. "Why are you treating me like this?

1048. We have a relationship."

1049. "You don't own me."

1050. "What do you mean I don't own you? We have a relationship.

1051. I thought that we go together."

1052. "I don't see no rings on your finger."

1053. "But I love you!"

1054. "Well, what have you done for me lately?"

1055. And y'all put up with it.

1056. Y'all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit.

1057. I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows

1058. how to do it to you right, 'cause when y'all find one,

1059. y'all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit.

1060. I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house.

1061. This'll show you how far a woman will stoop.

1062. He got busted coming out of another woman's house.

1063. His woman saw him come out,

1064. knew that the woman lived there and didn't say shit.

1065. Wait till they got home walked in the kitchen and said,

1066. "What the hell was you doing in that bitch's house?"

1067. You know what the man said? "Wasn't me."

1068. "I looked right in your face!"

1069. "Wasn't me."

1070. "Well, I'm supposed to be a fool, right?"

1071. "Hey.

1072. Wasn't me."

1073. You know what the woman said? "Maybe it wasn't you."

1074. "Oooh."

1075. I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed,

1076. where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking!

1077. His wife walked inside the house,

1078. opened up the bedroom door,

1079. saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking.

1080. She walks in... "Aaaaah!"

1081. The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there.

1082. She ran down the hallway.

1083. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked

1084. with a rock-hard dick, talking about, "I'm sorry."

1085. This sound like a tragedy, right?

1086. No, it was like this...

1087. "Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1088. "Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk.

1089. "Baby, I am sorry." "No, you're not sorry.

1090. "I can't believe you did this. You have no respect for me.

1091. Get the fuck— Don't you fucking touch me."

1092. "Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second."

1093. "No, if you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her!"

1094. And then you change the shit around. Right, guys?

1095. "Okay, wait a minute!

1096. "Wait one second, goddamn it!

1097. "Yes, I fucked her, yes.

1098. "Is that what you want me to say? I fucked her?

1099. "All right, I fucked her.

1100. "We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked!

1101. "Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute.

1102. "'Cause that's a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did.

1103. "Fuck. I fucked her.

1104. "I make love to you.

1105. "And if you going to let a fuck come between our love,

1106. there's something really wrong happening here, baby."

1107. Bullshit.

1108. "Oooh."

1109. That's the only reason why it works.

1110. Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all feeling real macho,

1111. 'cause you may have heard your woman make that noise

1112. and you think you are in control of your shit.

1113. But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive.

1114. Don't you think for two seconds

1115. that if you keep breaking this woman's heart,

1116. your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman,

1117. she eventually will go out and fuck someone else.

1118. Don't think she won't.

1119. Don't think she won't.

1120. Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now...

1121. And men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody.

1122. That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces.

1123. Ladies, look at them.

1124. Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend.

1125. Look at them, they're...

1126. Hey, your woman is like this...

1127. Hmm.

1128. I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain't like us.

1129. It's not their nature to fool around.

1130. Like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel

1131. and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit.

1132. Women going to do it classy. They don't fuck around like us.

1133. It's like, "Hey, I don't do this often,

1134. I'm going to do it right."

1135. Know when your woman's going to fool around?

1136. When you keep messing her over,

1137. eventually she says shit like this...

1138. "You know, I think I'm going to go to the Bahamas

1139. by myself for the weekend."

1140. And you say, "You want me to go with you?"

1141. She goes, "No, just me and my girlfriends are going.

1142. Just me and my friends."

1143. And we so stupid,

1144. we start thinking about all the pussy

1145. we can get while she gone.

1146. "You going to go by yourself?" "Yes."

1147. "Okay."

1148. And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

1149. By herself to the Bahamas?

1150. She's walking on the beach,

1151. she laid out all day and got a tan,

1152. your woman is fine and got her body looking right,

1153. she's walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas.

1154. Lovers on the beach making love.

1155. She's all by herself, walking along,

1156. feeling sad, thinking about you,

1157. and everybody's real romantic. The motion of the ocean

1158. is shimmying off—

1159. The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

1160. Your woman's standing, looking at it and crying.

1161. And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up.

1162. Dexter St. Jock.

1163. He walk up swinging his dick.

1164. Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman.

1165. ( Caribbean accent ): "What a beautiful girl like you

1166. "doing by herself on the island of love?

1167. "This is the island for lovers.

1168. "You should be being held right now, girl.

1169. What you crying about?"

1170. "I'm having some problems with my boyfriend,

1171. so I came down here to think it over."

1172. "Tell me what hotel your man's staying.

1173. "Let me go tell him

1174. "that you treat a woman like you like a princess.

1175. "If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly.

1176. What hotel this man staying in?"

1177. "Well, he's back in New York."

1178. "Is that right?

1179. "Well, listen, girl. Won't you come back around my place?

1180. We sit down and talk it over."

1181. "All we going to do is talk?"

1182. He take your woman to his house

1183. and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints.

1184. Shit this big and shit.

1185. Put some of that Bob Marley music on.

1186. And y'all know Bob be preaching this shit...

1187. Dick swinging.

1188. Next thing you know,

1189. Dexter is fucking your woman.

1190. Well.

1191. Send your woman home floating on air.

1192. Walk through the door like this...

1193. We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going,

1194. "Hey, baby, you need to get away more often."

1195. And she be like this...

1196. "Uh-huh."

1197. And never tell you. It's her little secret.

1198. All women have a skeleton in the closet.

1199. All women have done something that only them

1200. and another person knows about.

1201. All women have one skeleton.

1202. Even the little, sweet, innocent ones

1203. have something that only them

1204. and another person knows about. All women.

1205. Don't be— Look at the guys,

1206. looking at their women again like this...

1207. "You got skeletons in your closet?

1208. "I thought I seen a bone in your shoe.

1209. Whose skeleton was that?"

1210. Don't be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet.

1211. Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit.

1212. You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet.

1213. So be careful. Be careful. Get the perfect person for you.

1214. Get somebody you going to be with forever.

1215. Find somebody perfect for you.

1216. I'm not saying that they're perfect people.

1217. I'm saying we ain't perfect.

1218. Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down.

1219. That's what you gotta do.

1220. If I ever get married,

1221. I got to marry somebody with personality first.

1222. I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches,

1223. those real quiet ones, you know.

1224. The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say,

1225. "Hey, what you wanna eat?"

1226. They go, "I'll just have a salad."

1227. And you hear their stomach going...

1228. "I don't know why my stomach is making that noise."

1229. "'Cause you're hungry, bitch.

1230. Why don't you have something to eat?"

1231. "No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'll just have a salad."

1232. "What you want to drink?"

1233. "Water."

1234. "What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?"

1235. "Whatever you wanna see is okay with me.

1236. As long as it's a PG. I hate scary movies."

1237. "This is my friend Bob and Karen."

1238. "Hi."

1239. "What's your problem?" "I'm just a little shy."

1240. Get your shy ass away from me.

1241. I hate those shy bitches.

1242. They make me sick to my mother—

1243. I hate shy— You know, those shy women,

1244. those are usually the ones that have

1245. the most skeletons in their closet.

1246. That's why they shy now.

1247. 'Cause they been raising hell all their life, now they shy.

1248. Think about it. All them shy women that you meet,

1249. they never from the town you meet them in.

1250. They always from somewhere else.

1251. Then they come to your town and get shy.

1252. Get the fuck out of here.

1253. They afraid to talk, 'cause they think a bone

1254. is going to fly out their mouth or some shit.

1255. "Hi.

1256. So many skeletons."

1257. I hate shy women.

1258. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor.

1259. I like funny girls and funny women.

1260. But hey, wait. You gotta be good-looking too.

1261. I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit.

1262. I'd have me in the bed going,

1263. "Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?"

1264. Gotta be a good cook.

1265. I didn't realize my mother was a good cook

1266. till after I moved out of the house.

1267. When you're a child,

1268. if your mother doesn't take you to McDonald's,

1269. you don't think she can cook. I had one of those mothers,

1270. no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home.

1271. You say, "Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald's."

1272. And she go, "I got hamburger meat at home."

1273. "But I want McDonald's hamburgers."

1274. "I'll make you a hamburger better than McDonald's."

1275. "You cook better than McDonald's?"

1276. "That's right. You can help Mama make it."

1277. You say, "Shit, that's better than McDonald's."

1278. Your mother say, "Okay, go get me the big frying pan."

1279. So you hand her the frying pan and she say,

1280. "I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat

1281. and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion."

1282. And you say,

1283. "Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's."

1284. "I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making your Mama's burger.

1285. "I need a green pepper and an onion and while you're in there,

1286. get me an egg out too."

1287. "What you need eggs for?

1288. "I want hamburgers.

1289. You making Egg McMuffins."

1290. "I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.

1291. "I don't even know what no damn Egg McMuffin is.

1292. Just get me the egg and shut your mouth."

1293. She take the egg and the green peppers

1294. and chop the green peppers up in big chunks.

1295. Don't even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion

1296. and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it

1297. and make a big meatball and put it

1298. in the middle of this frying pan.

1299. At McDonald's, the meat is this thin.

1300. Your mother's shit is like this or fatter.

1301. Green peppers hanging out of it and shit.

1302. And there's a big split in the middle

1303. and grease is popping out.

1304. You're looking at it while it's popping.

1305. You're looking at the grease in the pan,

1306. you're thinking to yourself,

1307. "That don't look like no McDonald's."

1308. Then your mother say, "Go inside the refrigerator

1309. and get me the bread out of the bread box."

1310. And you go look in the bread box and you say,

1311. "Ma, we don't have no hamburger buns.

1312. All we have is Wonder Bread."

1313. "That's what I said.

1314. Get the bread out of the bread box."

1315. "You going to put it on square Wonder Bread?"

1316. "Goddamn it, bread is bread. You'd better bring me that bread

1317. "before I slap you in your mouth.

1318. "Don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

1319. "As much as that bread costs,

1320. "don't tell me some shit about Wonder Bread.

1321. This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger."

1322. And she'd make it and put it

1323. in the middle of square Wonder Bread.

1324. At McDonald's, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread.

1325. At your mother's,

1326. the meat's right in the middle of the bread,

1327. with grease running through the middle,

1328. making the bread stick to the plate.

1329. Now, this big green pepper is hanging out the top

1330. of this big meatball on the bread.

1331. And you try to put some ketchup on it

1332. and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough.

1333. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted

1334. and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough.

1335. You stand there looking at it

1336. and you try to make it look like McDonald's,

1337. so you rip the edges off around it, make it round.

1338. And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand.

1339. And your mother say, "Now, go on outside and play."

1340. And the other kids got McDonald's.

1341. They outside going,

1342. And you standing there with this big "house burger."

1343. And kids are honest.

1344. They say, "Where you get that big,

1345. welfare, green-pepper burger?"

1346. And you cry.

1347. "My mother made it."

1348. And long slob— When little kids cry,

1349. some long slob come out of their mouth

1350. and it hangs this far to the ground.

1351. And it won't break.

1352. And adults stand around going, "That slob going to break?"

1353. And it won't. The wind can blow that slob...

1354. You know where you can see kids crying?

1355. I do it all the time, I'm sadistic.

1356. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it

1357. and beat the shit out of their kids.

1358. Party at the Loft!

1359. I was at the Loft. You know why I ain't danced at the Loft?

1360. I had just got over some shit. I go to parties—

1361. I went to a white disco recently

1362. and I watched the white people dance.

1363. Y'all— Y'all can't dance.

1364. No, it's not— I'm not being racist. I mean, I mean—

1365. It's just like saying black people have thick lips.

1366. That's not racist. It's true. We have thick lips

1367. and white people can't dance.

1368. And y'all be trying. Y'all be really—

1369. Do y'all listen to the words or the beat?

1370. 'Cause y'all be— And I really—

1371. I tell you, every time you see a black—

1372. When you ever go to a white club,

1373. you see five or six brothers just standing.

1374. You ask, "Why are those niggers in here?"

1375. They watching y'all dance.

1376. "Look at these crazy motherfuckers."

1377. Y'all got one dance y'all can do.

1378. Y'all can do this shit, like this...

1379. But y'all don't do no moves, it's just this...

1380. Y'all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You'd be...

1381. "Oh, shit..."

1382. And white people, y'all step on each other's feet.

1383. Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up,

1384. you're stepping and hitting and—

1385. Brothers got some dance.

1386. They be doing this with their heads.

1387. Some shit like that.

1388. If the white people do that,

1389. they'll kill each other. They be like...

1390. "Sorry."

1391. "Let's stick with this."

1392. I was in the club, man. I stopped going—

1393. I ain't danced at the Loft 'cause I had a fight recently

1394. and I said I ain't dancing. I went to clubs—

1395. People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting.

1396. I had a fight with an Italian dude

1397. right after around the time Rocky came out.

1398. Italians— White people, period,

1399. y'all go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie,

1400. 'cause y'all believe that shit.

1401. 'Cause the movies are so emotional and so real,

1402. you sit there and go like, "Hey, this is real."

1403. And Stallone have y'all white people pumped,

1404. especially Italians.

1405. After Italians see Rocky,

1406. they come out the movie theater, they be like—

1407. Italians are funny people, 'cause they act like niggas.

1408. It's real funny.

1409. They do. They hold their dick more than us.

1410. They be standing around,

1411. ( Brooklyn accent ): "Get the fuck out of here."

1412. "It's right here, all right?

1413. "What? Hey, fuck you, all right?"

1414. Everything is a question too. "Hey, what am I, an asshole?

1415. "What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here.

1416. It's right here, all right?"

1417. After they see Rocky,

1418. they come out of the theater charged.

1419. They be like, "All right, Rock-O!

1420. "All right, Sly!

1421. "Hey!

1422. All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"

1423. Go up to the people standing on line and shit.

1424. "Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?"

1425. "Yeah." "It's a great fucking movie.

1426. "It's great.

1427. "You going to like this. When Sly comes out,

1428. "he breaks this big fucking nigger's face.

1429. "He busts it fucking wide open.

1430. "Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up.

1431. "It's fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O!

1432. "Hey, you know something. At the end of this picture,

1433. "now, just between you and I,

1434. "I don't wanna ruin the surprise,

1435. "but Sly wins this one again.

1436. "You know what I like about Stallone's movies?

1437. "The realism. You know? 'Cause that's the way you gotta

1438. "fucking treat those fucking moolies.

1439. "They think they can fucking push you around,

1440. 'Oh, you big hotshot,'

1441. "get the fuck out of here.

1442. "Get the fuck out of my face with that shit.

1443. "That's what I like about Sly. He goes in

1444. "and the moolies are beating him and he don't fucking go down.

1445. "He's not fucking going down.

1446. "He comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie's hole like this.

1447. "He falls on the ground. I swear.

1448. "You know something, you can really fucking do that.

1449. "You see that fucking big melanzanestanding over there?

1450. See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?"

1451. "Yeah."All right. Now, he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".

1452. "I ain't no big guy, all right?

1453. "But I'm Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right?

1454. "Hey, excuse me, brother.

1455. "Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

1456. "and let me have some Bon Bons.

1457. "I think I'll have some Bon Bons there.

1458. "And let me have some Junior Mints.

1459. "And, uh, give me another box of Juji Fruits.

1460. And the nigger's going to pay for it."

1461. "Excuse me?"

1462. "You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy...

1463. or I'll kick your ass."

1464. "Oh, you just saw Rocky.

1465. "Look, little Italian white man.

1466. "I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies too.

1467. "But I'm waiting here to get some candy

1468. "and I'm going to go see a movie with my friend.

1469. "Why don't you just go hop in your IROC Z-28

1470. and take your ass home."

1471. "I'll kick your fucking ass."

1472. Then they hear that Rocky music.

1473. Hour later...

1474. "He's not going to make it.

1475. "The big nigger named Abdullah's hand wrapped around his throat.

1476. "And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass.

1477. "He's not going to make it.

1478. He's fucked up."

1479. That's who I had a fight with. I had a fight with an Italian.

1480. Those are the worst white people to fight,

1481. 'cause they don't know it— especially around Rocky time.

1482. 'Cause I was in a discotheque talking to—

1483. I was in a disco talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.

1484. Don't ask me why. But I—

1485. We were there kicking it and this Italian dude

1486. is standing there with his girlfriend

1487. and his girlfriend is looking at me or Deney.

1488. And the Italian guy—

1489. Italians don't play that shit. You hear the shit they say

1490. to their girlfriends?

1491. "What the fuck you looking over there for, huh?

1492. "Don't tell me you're not looking. I just saw you looking.

1493. "You been looking over there all fucking night, all right.

1494. "You look over there again, I'm going to pick up a glass

1495. "and shove it in your fucking mouth, all right?

1496. "You don't look over there. No, you shut up.

1497. "You're making me look like I'm an asshole over here.

1498. "Don't you ever disrespect me. Don't you ever.

1499. "Hey, shut up. Don't you ever—

1500. "I'll fucking kick your ass inside here.

1501. "What are you looking at a fucking dancer

1502. "and a melanzane for? He's a moolie.

1503. You know I'll kick his moolie ass."

1504. He pushed me.

1505. Now, black people from New York

1506. have this trick we use on white people.

1507. It works. Even if you can't fight,

1508. you have to act like you can fight,

1509. 'cause that gets you out of a lot of fights.

1510. It works. If you have some problem tomorrow—

1511. Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says,

1512. "Hey, you got a problem?"

1513. You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!"

1514. "I just lost my motherfucking job

1515. "to a white man, look just like you!

1516. "So I say I'm going to step on some feet

1517. "till I feel I've redeemed myself.

1518. You got a problem?"

1519. And white guys will go,

1520. "Hey, I didn't know about your job."

1521. They leave and brother be standing there like this...

1522. "Oh, that was close.

1523. I almost got fucked up."

1524. So I know you gotta act like you can fight.

1525. First thing you do is you make your voice go up an octave

1526. and act real confused. And mumble,

1527. "What the fuck this motherfucker trying—?

1528. "Yo, you don't put your motherfucking hand, no—

1529. "Get the fuck— Mind your motherfucking business.

1530. "I'll bust your motherfucking ass.

1531. "Don't you never put your hands— Shut the fuck up, man.

1532. "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

1533. "You know I'll bust you— Get the fuck off me.

1534. "I'll bust your motherfucking ass too.

1535. "Mind your motherfucking business.

1536. "You want some, motherfucker? You want some?

1537. "Then make a move, then. Make a move.

1538. "Yeah, you better walk away, mother—

1539. "I'll bust your pussy ass too.

1540. "You never put your motherfucking hands on me.

1541. "What the fuck is your problem? What's your problem, huh?

1542. "You got a problem? Well, I'm going to settle your problem.

1543. "I'm going to settle your problem.

1544. "I'm going to settle your problem, motherfucker!"

1545. And the dude did like this, "Come on!"

1546. I was stuck.

1547. I was standing there like this now.

1548. Dude said, "Come on, that's the way I like it."

1549. I didn't know what to do,

1550. 'cause I could act like I could fight good.

1551. You know, I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter.

1552. You put me in a movie where I'm the star,

1553. I'll kick your ass.

1554. This is real shit. He's standing there, "Come on."

1555. I was frozen, man. I was standing there,

1556. my ego jumped out of my body and said,

1557. "Punch him in the face, Ed."

1558. I said, "I ain't punching nobody."

1559. My ego said, "Well, give me your hand."

1560. Clocked that boy in his eye.

1561. Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

1562. he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said,

1563. "What the fuck you do that for?"

1564. Ego said, "'Cause you've got an image to uphold.

1565. Look, you kicked the dude's ass, man. Calm down. Relax."

1566. And I looked. The dude was laying there, holding his eye.

1567. My ego said, "Now talk some shit now

1568. so people know not to mess with you."

1569. And I was like... "Yeah.

1570. I'm tired of people messing with me."

1571. "Now tell them if somebody else move,

1572. you going to kick their ass."

1573. "If somebody else move,

1574. I'm going to kick their ass?"

1575. "Do some kind of rhyme with your name.

1576. That always scares white people. Rhyme your name."

1577. "'Cause I'm Ed,

1578. and if you mess with Ed, you be dead."

1579. "That's all right. Just worry about— Shit, you doing fine.

1580. "You just relax, don't worry about nothing. Just be cool.

1581. "Ain't nobody going to move now

1582. "after they seen you kick this dude's ass.

1583. Just relax and cool out."

1584. I start cooling out. My ego said,

1585. "You ain't got to worry about nothing.

1586. "Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass,

1587. let them know where you stand." I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

1588. I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me.

1589. And he has seen Rocky too.

1590. And he swung around my back

1591. and punched me in the mouth...

1592. real, real hard.

1593. 'Cause the punch said...

1594. And my ego said, "What was that?"

1595. I said, "I don't know." And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"

1596. So I'm standing there with my lips hanging down,

1597. looking like J. J. from Good Times and shit.

1598. And I ain't know what to do, so I scream for security.

1599. I said, "Security!"

1600. And that's when one of my boys jumped over the table

1601. like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad

1602. and grabbed that boy and started going...

1603. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

1604. Boom. Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up

1605. and starts fucking this boy up

1606. and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy

1607. and started kicking his ass.

1608. Then somebody says, "Fight in the back!"

1609. And all the people, the bouncers came—

1610. It was a white club,

1611. they saw two niggas fighting two white guys.

1612. They jump on the niggas. "You niggers have to learn

1613. "to stop fucking up our clubs.

1614. "Didn't we let you in here, nigger?

1615. We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you."

1616. Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys

1617. beating up two black guys.

1618. "Hey, you can't beat up the brothers."

1619. They jump in the fight.

1620. Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys,

1621. it was a big race war and suntan lotion

1622. and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over the place.

1623. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me.

1624. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass.

1625. I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds.

1626. I can't whip a disco's ass by myself.

1627. Even people that didn't fight sued me.

1628. People that watched the fight was in court.

1629. "No, I didn't actually fight, but I was there watching.

1630. "And it was a discotheque

1631. "and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,

1632. "creating a weird effect with the mirror

1633. "and I saw this and my eyes were sprained,

1634. the eyes, and I need 12 million for my sprained eyes."

1635. Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued.

1636. I was like, "Ain't no brothers going to sue me."

1637. Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid.

1638. I was like, "Brothers don't sue brothers."

1639. They was like, "Fuck that. I'm getting paid, motherfucker."

1640. Brothers went to court, got educated on the judge.

1641. All of a sudden they was like, "Can you state your case."

1642. "Yes, Your Honor, on the evening in question, per se, Your Honor.

1643. "Yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was inside the disco.

1644. "Cooling, right? I went in with my girlie, right?

1645. "My girl start illing, 'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'

1646. "Start acting all tipsy and shit, right?

1647. "I say,'Where? Where?' She say, 'Over there.'

1648. "I say, 'Fuck that big-nose motherfucker.

1649. 'I make my money just like him' Right, Your Honor?

1650. "'Cause I don't give a fuck. I ain't getting on nobody.

1651. "So, Your Honor, check it out, right?

1652. "What happened— What happened then, right?

1653. "I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over,

1654. get the motherfucker autograph'

1655. "I got the autograph for my girlie.

1656. "I walked over and said, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'

1657. "Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing a motherfucking thing.

1658. 'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.' I say, 'Yo, Ed.

1659. 'I'll bust your ass for saying shit like that.'

1660. "He say, 'Motherfucker, I...' And he ran over to my woman

1661. "and slap her in the face, Your Honor.

1662. "Then he slap me and my man in the face.

1663. "All three of us, like the Three Stooges, Your Honor.

1664. Twelve million. Twelve!"

1665. I was disgusted.

1666. "Yeah, Your Honor. Give us half his shit."

1667. I was mad.

1668. I called my mother up. You know how you do.

1669. When you get depressed, you call your mother.

1670. You get your ass whipped, first thing you do is call home.

1671. I call my mother's house.

1672. 'Cause you wanna hear your mother say,

1673. "It's going to be all right, baby. It's going to be fine.

1674. "You just come on home. Shh. Stop crying.

1675. "I'll cook you something to eat.

1676. "I'll cook you one of them big old hamburgers

1677. I used to make before. You just come on home."

1678. And you want that burger when you get older.

1679. I called my mother's house, it was a Friday night,

1680. the phone rang for a half-hour.

1681. Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends,

1682. my pops gets drunk.

1683. I was praying he wouldn't answer the telephone,

1684. 'cause I'm bleeding, my lips are swollen,

1685. people walking by going, "Hey, Jimmie Walker."

1686. I'm going, "No, I'm Ed. I just had a fight."

1687. So I'm praying my father wouldn't answer the phone.

1688. And I picture this is going on while I'm standing,

1689. my pops is home like this, drunk...

1690. "This is my house!

1691. "It's my house and I don't give a fuck!

1692. "You know something? Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.

1693. "Lil? I'm drunk. And you know something?

1694. "It's beautiful.

1695. "It's beautiful, Lil.

1696. "In my heart and my soul, I'm drunk.

1697. "You know something, fuck it.

1698. "If I wanna drink something in my house, fine.

1699. "You don't like it, get the fuck out of my house.

1700. "I pay the bills for this motherfucker.

1701. "I wanna drink something, I drink something.

1702. "Hey, Lil, you going to answer this telephone?

1703. "Do you hear the phone ringing?

1704. "Lil!

1705. "That's the phone, motherfucker. That's not me.

1706. "No, I'm not answering shit.

1707. "I pay the bills. I'm going to answer the phone too?

1708. "Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker?

1709. "You better answer this telephone.

1710. "Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look—

1711. "Shit, I'm watching the fights, Lil.

1712. "Are you going to answer—? You're not going to answer it?

1713. "Okay. Fine. Don't touch the phone no more, Lil.

1714. "Okay? Since you can't get up off your ass

1715. "and answer the phone— Bye-bye.

1716. "You can't touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.

1717. "No more phone for you. Your phone rights are—

1718. "Your phone privileges are cut off.

1719. "In fact, I'm going to write that down

1720. "and put it on the fridge.

1721. "That's the new rules. That's the new rules in the house.

1722. "I'm going to take the old rules off and put new rules up.

1723. "'Cause you going to listen to me, goddamn,

1724. "when I tell you to do something.

1725. "We going to put new rules up.

1726. "We going to put rules up. Rules up.

1727. "Rules. Rules. One, 'Lillian...

1728. cannot use the phone.'

1729. "Two, 'Lillian cannot...'

1730. "Since you're such a smart motherfucker,

1731. "you can't go outside anymore either.

1732. 'Cannot go outside ever again.'

1733. "Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

1734. "You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it.

1735. "And the rules say 'No phone and no outside.'

1736. "And I don't give a fuck

1737. "if the motherfucking house is burning down.

1738. "If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say,

1739. 'How you find out the house was burning?'

1740. 'We got a call from your wife,' I kick your motherfucking ass.

1741. "You're in this house to stay!

1742. "You'll burn up in this motherfucker.

1743. "No, Lillian, where you going?

1744. "Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place?

1745. "How the hell you going to go somewhere—?

1746. "No, Lillian. You're not going to Shirley's house

1747. "to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.

1748. "Take your coat off.

1749. "No, you can't go no place, 'cause I said so.

1750. "The rules say 'no outside.'

1751. "I know you wanna leave, that's why you can't go.

1752. "You better call and tell her you're not coming.

1753. "Whoa-whoa-whoa. You can't use my phone.

1754. "I don't know. You better lift up the window

1755. "and scream your motherfucking head off.

1756. "But you're not going— I don't give—

1757. "You're not going no place. You're not going no place.

1758. "No. 'Cause I know you wanna leave.

1759. "That's why. I know you wanna leave.

1760. I know you wanna leave."

1761. I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings

1762. old Motown songs to you in his argument,

1763. and fucks all up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right.

1764. Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right.

1765. "You're not going no place.

1766. "You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil.

1767. "'Cause I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say,

1768. "And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian...

1769. "This is my house! I don't give a fuck!

1770. "Do you hear this phone ringing, Lillian?

1771. "I'm going to answer, 'cause I know it's Shirley.

1772. "I let my phone ring for a half-hour.

1773. "And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour.

1774. "You let it ring two or three times and hang it up.

1775. "That's a lonely bitch at the end of that line.

1776. "I'm going to tell her. Hello? Shirley?

1777. "Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again—

1778. "Shir—? What's wrong—? Hey, what's wrong with you?

1779. "What you crying about? Eddie, what's—?

1780. "Eddie, what's wrong with you?

1781. "What? You had a fight? Lillian, get my pistol.

1782. "Who you have a fight with?

1783. "What? A disco? With Deney Terrio?

1784. "Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?

1785. "And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot—

1786. "What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco

1787. "with Deney Terrio and shot Jimmie Walker.

1788. "He shot him in the lips, Lil.

1789. "Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips?

1790. "I like Good Times.

1791. "Oh, you took a shot in your lips?

1792. "And you look like Jimmie Walker?

1793. "Oh, that'd do it.

1794. "Who punched you in the lips?

1795. "Italian? For what?

1796. "What you mean 'nothing'?

1797. "Nobody get punched for nothing. What'd you do?

1798. "Eddie, shh. Don't tell me'nothing'.

1799. "You had to do something.

1800. "What did you do? No, don't tell me 'nothing'.

1801. "Nobody gets punched for nothing. What—? Eddie—

1802. "No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie.

1803. "Now, what did you do? What?

1804. "Eddie. No— Eddie, then it's something that you did

1805. "a long time ago.

1806. "Didn't I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes.

1807. "What goes around comes around, Eddie.

1808. "Yes, that's why that man punch you in your mouth tonight,

1809. "for something you did a long time ago.

1810. "Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get.

1811. "You get what you give. That's why that man—

1812. "Eddie. Eddie. What do you mean, you don't remember what you did?

1813. "He probably punched you in your mouth for something you did

1814. "when you was living here.

1815. "I didn't catch everything that you did.

1816. "I worked all day, you played all day, Eddie.

1817. "Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971?

1818. "It was you! Yes, it was.

1819. "That's why that man kick your ass tonight.

1820. "If he's still there, I'd appreciate if you go up

1821. "and tell him that your father says 'Thank you.'

1822. "Save me a trip to California. 'Cause you never respect me.

1823. "You never listen to what I tell you to do, Eddie.

1824. "I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules.

1825. "Me and your mother want respect.

1826. "You, Charlie and Vernon

1827. "could not respect me and your mother.

1828. "All we wanted was some respect.

1829. "All we asked for was a little respect.

1830. "How come you can't respect me? How come you can't respect me?

1831. "I'm a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie.

1832. Hold on a minute.

1833. "Motherfucker, you know how to spell it!

1834. "Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie.

1835. "That's why the man kicked your ass. And when I was a child,

1836. "I respect my parents. And we didn't have shit. Okay?

1837. "I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters

1838. "didn't have shit.

1839. "I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie.

1840. "My father made 13 cents a week.

1841. "He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie,

1842. "and made 13 cents a week.

1843. "That's not a lot of money when you have 11 children.

1844. "We didn't have all the fancy things

1845. "like you, Charlie and Vernon.

1846. "We didn't have fancy luxuries like food.

1847. "What the fuck you going to eat on 13 cents a week?

1848. "We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work.

1849. "We ate the toys, Eddie.

1850. "That's right. We ate the toys and we never complained,

1851. "'cause my mother could cook her ass off. Yes she can.

1852. "My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper,

1853. "make a Tonka truck taste so delicious.

1854. "The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie.

1855. "And you appreciate it. You never complained.

1856. "It was all for one and one for all.

1857. "We always stuck together.

1858. "I only hurt my brothers and sisters once.

1859. "I came home from school and my mother had made

1860. "a birthday feast for my father.

1861. "She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day

1862. "and made enough food for 13 people to feast on

1863. "for my father for his birthday

1864. "and I sat down and ate it all by myself.

1865. "I ate it all, Eddie, by myself.

1866. "And my father came inside the kitchen,

1867. "put his little birthday hat on

1868. "and I'll never forget, he looked at all the children,

1869. "he had a tear in his eye and he said,

1870. 'Which one of you kids sat down

1871. and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?'

1872. "And I ate it all, Eddie!

1873. "Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue,

1874. "the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon,

1875. "Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax.

1876. "Eddie, I even ate those cheap

1877. "purple motherfuckers after 'Go'...

1878. "that nobody buys. I ate them.

1879. "I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did.

1880. "I did, and I sat down and ate my father's birthday cake too.

1881. "No, it wasn't a cake. We couldn't afford a cake.

1882. "It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other.

1883. "Two Etch-A-Sketch— A Etch- A-Sketch cake. That's right.

1884. "We couldn't afford no icing, so my mother would write

1885. "'Happy Birthday Pop' on the front of the Etch-A-Sketch.

1886. "Know how you made a wish?

1887. "You shook it till the words disappeared,

1888. "then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch, Eddie.

1889. "And that was your birthday cake.

1890. "And we never complained, Eddie.

1891. "We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all.

1892. "We would get dressed to go to school in the morning.

1893. "Let me tell you about our clothes.

1894. "We had to wear whatever my father

1895. "brought home from work, Eddie.

1896. "We wore the toys!

1897. "Each day my mother would wake up

1898. "and open 11 Twister games, Eddie.

1899. "And she would roll the Twister mats on the floor.

1900. "Me and my 11 brothers and sisters

1901. "would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit.

1902. "And then we'd get a Hot Wheels racetrack

1903. "and put that around our waist as a belt, Eddie.

1904. "And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning.

1905. "And if there was no Johnny Lightning,

1906. "we ripped up a Hula Hoop and put that around our waist.

1907. "Other children would make fun of us

1908. "because we got on Twister suits.

1909. "And it's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat.

1910. "Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie.

1911. "It was a goddamn game to these kids.

1912. "I'm standing on the corner,

1913. "a motherfucker is spinning the spinner

1914. "and kicking my ass, Eddie.

1915. "Then I gotta go to school

1916. "and watch the other children eat real food.

1917. "I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly,

1918. "bologna and Swiss, ham and cheese.

1919. "I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich.

1920. "Then, for dessert,

1921. "they're going to pull out a Hostess cupcake

1922. "and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?

1923. "A Slinky spring? And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys,

1924. "every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song,

1925. "it make me sick to my stomach.

1926. Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.