Duck Soup (1933)

1. Mrs. Teasdale.

2. Yes, Your Excellency?

3. I again ask you to reconsider.

4. Gentlemen, I've already loaned Freedonia

5. more than half the fortune my husband left me.

6. I consider that money lost.

7. And now, you're asking for another $20 million.

8. But it would only be for a few months to meet this present emergency.

9. With $20 million in the treasury,

10. we can announce an immediate reduction in the taxes.

11. That's all that the people are asking for.

12. I'm sorry, but I'm inclined to agree with the people.

13. The government has been mismanaged.

14. What?

15. I will lend the money but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw

16. and place the government in new hands.

17. You ask me to give up my office?

18. Yes, Your Excellency.

19. In a crisis like this, I feel Freedonia needs a new leader,

20. a progressive, fearless fighter!

21. A man like Rufus T. Firefly!

22. Rufus T. Firefly?

23. I will lend the money to Freedonia

24. only if Firefly is appointed leader.

25. The Honorable Secretary of Finance and Party.

26. His Excellency, Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.

27. Ambassador.

28. Mrs. Teasdale.

29. It was so good of you to come.

30. I'm anxious for you to meet the new leader of our country.

31. No matter who rules in Freedonia, Mrs. Teasdale,

32. to me, you will always be the first lady of the land.

33. Oh, permit me. This is Miss Vera Marcal.

34. Ambassador Trentino.

35. Miss Marcal needs no introduction,

36. I've seen her dance many times at the theater.

37. Thank you.

38. The Honorable Pandooh of Mufhtan.

39. I must greet His Honor.

40. What have you found out?

41. Nothing. I've been waiting to hear from you.

42. I've given up the idea of a revolution.

43. I have a better plan. Oh, yes?

44. I can gain control of Freedonia much easier by marrying Mrs. Teasdale.

45. Maybe that's not going to be so easy.

46. Eh? Oh, from what I hear.

47. You see, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.

48. Oh, well, that's where you come in.

49. I'm going to place him in your hands.

50. And I don't have to tell you what to do or how to... Careful.

51. I want you to meet His Excellency's Secretary, Bob Roland.

52. Ambassador Trentino. How do you do, sir?

53. Miss Marcal. We've met.

54. Of course.

55. Well, I hope His Excellency gets here soon.

56. His Excellency makes it a point always to be on time.

57. As long as I've known him, he's never been late for an appointment.

58. His Excellency is due to take his station

59. Beginning his new administration

60. He'll make his appearance when

61. The clock on the wall strikes 10:00

62. When the clock on the wall strikes 10:00

63. All you loyal ladies and you patriotic men

64. Let's sing the national anthem when

65. The clock on the wall strikes 10:00

66. His Excellency is due to take his station

67. Beginning his new administration

68. He'll make his appearance when

69. The clock on the wall strikes 10:00

70. We'll give him a rousing cheer

71. To show him we're glad he's here

72. Hail, hail Freedonia

73. Hail, hail Freedonia

74. Land of the brave

75. And free

76. Hail, hail Freedonia

77. Land of the brave and free

78. Hail, hail Freedonia

79. Land of the brave and free

80. You expecting somebody?

81. Yes.

82. Hail, hail Freedonia

83. Land of the brave and free

84. Oh, Your Excellency, we've been expecting you.

85. As Chairwoman of the Reception Committee,

86. I extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia.

87. Never mind that stuff. Take a card.

88. Card? What'll I do with a card?

89. You can keep it. I've got 51 left.

90. Now what were you saying?

91. As Chairwoman of the Reception Committee,

92. I welcome you with open arms.

93. Is that so? How late do you stay open?

94. I've sponsored your appointment

95. because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.

96. Well, that covers a lot of ground.

97. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it.

98. I hear they're gonna tear you down

99. and put up an office building where you're standing.

100. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.

101. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

102. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here.

103. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

104. The future of Freedonia rests on you.

105. Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.

106. How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes

107. and already she's making advances to me.

108. Not that I care, but where is your husband?

109. Why, he's dead.

110. I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

111. I was with him till the very end.

112. Hmm! No wonder he passed away.

113. I held him in my arms and kissed him.

114. Oh, I see. Then it was murder.

115. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money?

116. Answer the second question first.

117. He left me his entire fortune. Is that so?

118. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.

119. Oh, Your Excellency!

120. You're not so bad yourself.

121. Oh, I want to present to you

122. Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania.

123. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.

124. Thank you, but I can't stay very long.

125. That's even a greater pleasure.

126. Now, how about lending this country $20 million, you old skinflint?

127. $20 million is a lot of money.

128. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.

129. Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $12 until payday?

130. $12? Don't be scared. You'll get it back.

131. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days.

132. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.

133. Your Excellency, haven't we seen each other somewhere before?

134. I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. Must be something I ate.

135. Look here, sir! Are you trying to...

136. Don't look now,

137. but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

138. Oh, I'm so sorry.

139. I want you to meet a very charming lady.

140. And it's about time.

141. Just a moment.

142. I want to present Miss Vera Marcal.

143. Go ahead. I can take it.

144. Oh, you don't understand.

145. This is Vera Marcal, the famous dancer.

146. Is that so? Can you do this one?

147. I danced before Napoleon.

148. No, Napoleon danced before me.

149. In fact, he danced 200 years before me.

150. Here's one I picked up in a dance hall.

151. Here's another one I picked up in a dance hall.

152. Perhaps sometime we get a chance to dance together, huh?

153. I could dance with you till the cows come home. Yeah?

154. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

155. Where is my secretary?

156. Here I am.

157. Good heavens, Your Excellency!

158. Uh, take a letter. Who to?

159. To my dentist.

160. "Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500. Yours very truly."

161. Send it off immediately!

162. I'll have to enclose the check first.

163. You do and I'll fire you.

164. Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you.

165. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor.

166. This is a gala day for you.

167. Well, a gal a day is enough for me.

168. I don't think I could handle anymore.

169. If it's not asking too much...

170. For our information, just for illustration

171. Tell us how you intend to run the nation

172. These are the laws of my administration

173. No one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke

174. And whistling is forbidden

175. We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke

176. Hail, hail Freedonia

177. If chewing gum is chewed the chewer is pursued

178. And in the hoosegow hidden

179. If we choose to chew we'll be pursued

180. If any form of pleasure is exhibited

181. Report to me and it will be prohibited

182. I'll put my foot down So shall it be

183. This is the land of the free

184. The last man nearly ruined this place

185. He didn't know what to do with it

186. If you think this country's bad off now

187. Just wait till I get through with it

188. The country's taxes must be fixed

189. And I know what to do with it

190. If you think you're paying too much now

191. Just wait till I get through with it

192. I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair

193. I'm strictly on the up and up so everyone beware

194. If anyone's caught taking graft and I don't get my share

195. We stand 'em up against the wall and pop goes the weasel

196. So everyone beware who's crooked or unfair

197. No one must take a bit of graft unless he gets his share

198. If any man should come between a husband and his bride

199. We find out which one she prefers by letting her decide

200. If she prefers the other man the husband steps outside

201. We stand 'em up against the wall and pop goes the weasel

202. The husband steps outside, relinquishes his bride

203. They stand him up against the wall and take away his bride

204. You have an appointment at the House of Representatives.

205. Good heavens! You can't go with your trousers up!

206. I can't, eh? Well, they'll never catch me any other way.

207. My car! His Excellency's car!

208. His Excellency's car!

209. His Excellency's car!

210. His Excellency's car!

211. I'm in a hurry. To the House of Representatives. Ride like fury.

212. If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel.

213. Now step on it!

214. Well, it certainly feels good to be back again.

215. I have failed, Ambassador.

216. I know it, I know it, you idiot!

217. I'm sorry.

218. You have muddled everything.

219. If you'd started the revolution as I planned, during the turmoil

220. I could've stepped in and placed Freedonia under the Sylvanian flag, our flag.

221. But Firefly blocked us!

222. Your Excellency, you have no idea how popular he is in Freedonia.

223. Oh, yes, I've known of that, too!

224. That's why I have two spies shadowing him.

225. I want to find out something about him, something to disgrace him,

226. to discredit him with the people.

227. Ambassador, Chicolini and Pinky are here.

228. Now, these are my spies.

229. Show them in. Wait outside.

230. We fool you good, eh?

231. Gentlemen!

232. Gentlemen, what is this?

233. Shh! This is spy stuff.

234. Telegram for you, sir.

235. Oh.

236. He gets mad because he can't read.

237. Oh, I see.

238. Well, gentlemen, we have serious matters to discuss.

239. Please be seated.

240. Rock-a-bye... Gentlemen, gentlemen!

241. Now, about that information...

242. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Here, have a cigar.

243. That's a good quarter cigar.

244. I smoked the other three-quarters myself.

245. Yes. No, thank you, I have one of my own.

246. Here. Try one of these!

247. Hey, that's no good.

248. That's good! That's fine.

249. That's good.

250. Now let's concentrate.

251. Have you been trailing Firefly?

252. Have we been trailing Firefly?

253. Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

254. Really? Yeah.

255. And the rest of his face don't look so good either.

256. Look, we find out all about this Firefly.

257. Here, look at this. Ah, very good, very good!

258. Wait a minute. We must not be disturbed.

259. Yes, sir?

260. This is a very important conference.

261. I do not wish to be interrupted.

262. Yes, sir.

263. Uh-uh, uh-uh!

264. Gentlemen, we are not getting anywhere.

265. You're out!

266. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Now gentlemen, please!

267. Will you tell me what you found out about Firefly?

268. Well, you remember you gave us a picture of this man and said,

269. "Follow him"? Oh, yes.

270. Well, we get on the job right away.

271. And in one hour, even less than one hour...

272. Yes?

273. we lose the picture. That's a pretty quick work, eh?

274. But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly.

275. Did you bring me his record?

276. No, no!

277. And the boy gets a cigar.

278. Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.

279. All right, I tell you.

280. Monday, we watch Firefly's house, but he no come out.

281. He wasn't home.

282. Tuesday, we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up.

283. Wednesday, he go to the ball game, but we fool him! We no show up.

284. Thursday was a double-header, nobody show up.

285. Friday, it rained all day. There was no ball game.

286. So we stayed home and we listened to it over the radio.

287. Then you didn't shadow Firefly!

288. Oh, sure we shadow Firefly. We shadow him all day.

289. But what day was that? Shaderday!

290. That's some joke, huh, boss?

291. Now, will you tell me, what happened on Saturday?

292. I'm glad you asked me.

293. We follow this man down to a road house.

294. And at this road house he meet a married lady.

295. A married lady?

296. Yeah, I think it was his wife.

297. Firefly has no wife!

298. No? No!

299. Then you know what I think, boss? What?

300. I think we followed the wrong man.

301. Oh, gentlemen, I am disappointed.

302. I entrusted you with a mission of great importance and you failed.

303. However, I am going to give you one more chance.

304. I have credentials here that will get you into any place in Freedonia.

305. If I can only... Ah, here we are.

306. Are you sure that you can trap Firefly?

307. Remember, this time I expect results.

308. Goodbye and good luck.

309. Okay, Cap.

310. Come on, Pinky. Goodbye.

311. All right, the meeting's called to order.

312. Your Excellency,

313. here's the Treasury Department's report.

314. I hope you'll find it clear.

315. Clear? Huh!

316. Why, a 4-year-old child could understand this report.

317. Run out and find me a 4-year-old child.

318. I can't make head or tail out of it.

319. And now, members of the cabinet, we'll take up old business.

320. I wish to discuss the tariff.

321. Sit down, that's new business.

322. No old business? Very well. Then we'll take up new business.

323. Now about that tariff... Too late!

324. That's old business already. Sit down.

325. Gentlemen, as your Secretary of War, I...

326. The Secretary of War is out of order!

327. Which reminds me, so is the plumbing. Make a note of that.

328. Never mind, I'll do it myself.

329. The Department of Labor wishes to report

330. that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.

331. Very well, we'll give them shorter hours.

332. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to 20 minutes.

333. And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.

334. But you appointed one last week!

335. That's the one I'm looking for.

336. Gentlemen, gentlemen, enough of this.

337. How about taking up the tax?

338. How about taking up the carpet?

339. I still insist we must take up the tax!

340. He's right, you've got to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.

341. I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?

342. You get awfully tiresome after a while.

343. Sir, you try my patience.

344. I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime.

345. That's the last straw! I resign!

346. I wash my hands off the whole business.

347. That's a good idea. You can wash your neck, too.

348. Peanuts!

349. Hey, come here!

350. Just the guy I wanna see.

351. What do you find out about this guy Firefly?

352. You find out something? You no find out something?

353. You spy on him? You no spy on him?

354. What's the matter? All the time I talk to you, you no say nothing.

355. What's the matter, you no speak, eh?

356. Stop this! What you find, eh? What you find?

357. That's no good!

358. Hey, come here. You're crazy. What's the matter with you?

359. Why you make a face like this?

360. What's the matter with you?

361. Ah, come on, you wanna fight, huh? You wanna fight?

362. Come on, I give you fight.

363. Hey, upstairs this time, no downstairs!

364. Come on.

365. What you think you are, eh?

366. Hey, what's the idea of fighting in front of my place

367. and driving my customers away?

368. Hey, mister, you got a mistake someplace.

369. I no fight. You understand, this guy, he's working for me.

370. I ask him something, and he no tell me nothing.

371. I ask him why he no speak, all the time he no speak.

372. What do you think he do?

373. He make fight go like this.

374. Hey, what's the idea?

375. That's not my idea, that's his idea.

376. All time I say something, he no say nothing.

377. Every time I say... Will you shut up?

378. Hey, listen, what are you doing around here?

379. Who are you?

380. Hey, can't you say... Can't you say anything?

381. No! He no say nothing, he... Oh, shut up!

382. I am shut up, but, mister, you no understand.

383. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy. He work for me.

384. I want him to find out something but he no find out what I wanna find out.

385. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out

386. if he no find out what I gotta find out?

387. Will you quit annoying me?

388. All right, I quit. All you gotta do is make him stop doing this.

389. Oh!

390. Now just for that, I'm gonna tear you limb from limb, limb from limb!

391. You'd think they'd do the same...

392. You see, I no say one thing, mister, before when you...

393. No, no.

394. Oh! Now, now I'm gonna get you!

395. What are you doing?

396. Why, you...

397. I'll teach you to kick me!

398. You don't have to teach me. I know how.

399. Stop it. Look out!

400. Oh!

401. That's good, eh?

402. Peanuts!

403. Hey!

404. You wanna be a public nuisance?

405. Sure, how much does the job pay?

406. I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

407. Peanuts to you!

408. Have you got a license? License?

409. No, but my dog, he's got millions of 'em.

410. Believe me, he's some smart dog.

411. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.

412. I'll bet the dog got to the Pole first.

413. You win.

414. Come on up here. I wanna scare the cabinet.

415. Hello? Hello? No, no, he's not in.

416. All right, I tell him. Goodbye.

417. That was for you.

418. I'm sorry I'm not in. I want to have a long talk with you.

419. Now listen here, you give up that silly peanut stand

420. and I'll get you a soft government job.

421. Now let's see, how would you like a job in the mint?

422. Mint? No, no. I no like mint.

423. What other flavor you got?

424. Hello? Hello? No, not yet.

425. All right, I tell him. Goodbye. Thank you.

426. That was for you again.

427. I wonder whatever became of me.

428. I should have been back here a long time ago.

429. Now listen here, I've got a swell job for you,

430. but first I have to ask you a couple of important questions.

431. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants,

432. lives in Philadelphia,

433. and it never rains but it pours?

434. That's a good one. I give you three guesses.

435. Now let me see, has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...

436. Is it male or female?

437. No, I don't think so.

438. Is he dead?

439. Who?

440. I don't know. I give up!

441. I give up, too.

442. Now I ask you another one.

443. What is it got a big black mustache,

444. smokes a big black cigar,

445. and he's a big pain in the neck?

446. Don't tell me. Has a big black mustache,

447. smokes a big black cigar,

448. and is a big pain in the...

449. Does he wear glasses?

450. That's right. You guess it quick.

451. Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.

452. What job? Secretary of War!

453. All right, I take it. Sold!

454. You know, I'd be lost without a telephone.

455. Hey, don't go away, I wanna talk to you.

456. Now, where were we? Oh, yes! Now that you're Secretary of War,

457. what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?

458. Well, I tell you what I think.

459. I think we should have a standing army.

460. Why should we have a standing army?

461. Because then we save money on chairs!

462. Peanuts!

463. Scat!

464. Say, who are you anyway?

465. I don't go in much for modern art.

466. Have you got anything by one of the Old Masters?

467. Not bad.

468. You don't happen to have her telephone number?

469. Say, you could be a big help to me.

470. Where do you live?

471. Well, it's not much of a place, but it's home.

472. Meow!

473. Well, I know one thing,

474. I bet you haven't got a picture of my grandfather.

475. Uh-uh! Not now!

476. Some other time.

477. Your Excellency?

478. Quiet!

479. This letter's the work of Trentino.

480. The man is trying to undermine you.

481. Now, what are you gonna do about it?

482. I've got a good mind to ring his doorbell and run.

483. We've got to get rid of that man at once. I've got a plan.

484. You say something to make him mad and he'll strike you!

485. And we'll force him to leave the country.

486. That's a swell plan. Why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?

487. Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man.

488. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult.

489. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence and he slapped my face.

490. Why didn't Vera slap your face?

491. She did.

492. What'd you say to her?

493. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

494. Where'd you hear that story?

495. You told it to me.

496. Oh, yes! I remember.

497. I should've slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.

498. Where is Trentino?

499. At Mrs. Teasdale's tea party.

500. Was I invited? No.

501. Take a letter!

502. "You are cordially invited to attend my tea party."

503. Sign Mrs. Teasdale's name and tell her I accept.

504. Come on, let's go.

505. I've got an appointment to insult Ambassador Trentino,

506. and I don't want to keep him waiting! Step on it!

507. This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been anywhere yet.

508. You don't seem to be making much progress with Mrs. Teasdale, huh?

509. How can I? Every time I get her in the right mood to say "yes," Firefly pops in.

510. Well, this is your opportunity. He won't be here today.

511. Are you sure?

512. Positive!

513. I helped Mrs. Teasdale with the invitations.

514. Oh.

515. His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!

516. Hail, hail Freedonia

517. Land of the brave and free

518. Gloria, I waited for years.

519. I can't be put off any longer.

520. I love you, I want you! Can't you see I'm at your feet?

521. When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine.

522. If that isn't an insult, I don't know what is.

523. Gloria, I love you. I realize how lonely you are.

524. Can't we go someplace where we can be by ourselves?

525. What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family?

526. I can't give you wealth, but we can have a little family of our own.

527. Oh, Rufus!

528. All I can offer you is a roof-us over your head.

529. Your Excellency, I really don't know what to say.

530. I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.

531. Maybe you can suggest something.

532. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.

533. What?

534. I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

535. This man's conduct is inexcusable!

536. Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I did not come here to be insulted!

537. That's what you think. You swine!

538. Come again? You worm!

539. Once more. You upstart!

540. That's it!

541. Touche!

542. Mrs. Teasdale, I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence

543. may plunge our countries into war.

544. Oh, this is terrible!

545. I've said enough. I'm a man of few words.

546. I'm a man of one word. Scram!

547. A man doesn't live who can call a Firefly an upstart.

548. Why, the Mayflower was full of Fireflys, and a few horseflies, too.

549. The Fireflys were on the upper deck

550. and the horseflies were on the Fireflys.

551. Good day, my sweet.

552. Oh, Your Excellency, I must speak to you!

553. I'll see you at the theater tonight.

554. I'll hold your seat till you get there.

555. After you get there, you're on your own.

556. His Excellency's car!

557. His Excellency's car!

558. No, no, you don't. I'm not taking any more chances.

559. You can only fool a Firefly twice.

560. This time you ride in the sidecar.

561. This is the only way to travel.

562. Hey, Pinky, come here.

563. Watch the stand.

564. Come on, Pastrami, come on.

565. Oh!

566. Huh.

567. Hey! Hey, what's...

568. What's the matter?

569. Oh.

570. Mrs. Teasdale.

571. I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with His Excellency,

572. but his attitude left me no alternative.

573. Maybe we can still avoid this terrible war.

574. Oh, if we only could.

575. Oh, yes, I do... Ah.

576. Mrs. Teasdale, I have been recalled by my president.

577. Then it's too late?

578. Not if His Excellency will listen to reason.

579. I am prepared to pocket my pride and forget about the whole matter if he is.

580. Ambassador, that's wonderful of you,

581. but I'm afraid His Excellency won't hear of it.

582. Oh, perhaps he will listen to you.

583. Do you think so?

584. Yes, of course.

585. I'll call him.

586. I hate to disturb you,

587. I know you're a very busy man,

588. but I must see you at once.

589. Where are you? Oh.

590. Why not come over here? You can come in the back way. No one will see you.

591. Well, if you think of it, bring some cheese.

592. But, Your Excellency, you must come over.

593. It's a long story. I can't tell it to you over the phone.

594. Oh, it's that kind of a story.

595. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

596. I'll be right over.

597. He'll be right over.

598. Perhaps you'd better wait outside until I've had a chance to talk to him.

599. Very well, we'll be out here if you want us.

600. Oh!

601. How'd you get in here?

602. Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so sorry to have to disturb you.

603. Will you ever forgive me?

604. After I leave here tonight, will you ever forgive me?

605. Here are the plans of war.

606. They're as valuable as your life

607. and that's putting them pretty cheap.

608. Watch them like a cat watches her kittens.

609. Have you ever had kittens?

610. No, of course not. You're too busy running around playing bridge.

611. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you.

612. Why don't you marry me?

613. Why, marry you?

614. You take me and I'll take a vacation.

615. I'll need a vacation if we're going to get married.

616. Married!

617. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove,

618. but I can't see the stove.

619. Come, come! Say the word and you'll never see me again.

620. Gloria.

621. Rufus, what are you thinking of?

622. Oh, I was just thinking of all the years I've wasted collecting stamps.

623. Oh, I suppose you'll think me a sentimental old fluff,

624. but would you mind giving me a lock of your hair?

625. A lock of my hair?

626. Oh, I had no idea...

627. I'm letting you off easy.

628. I was gonna ask for the whole wig.

629. So, you've come to ask for clemency?

630. Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit.

631. He's had a change of heart.

632. A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

633. I'm sorry we lost our tempers.

634. I'm willing to forget if you are.

635. Forget? You ask me to forget?

636. A Firefly never forgets.

637. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves

638. and I'd only have to bury them again.

639. Nothing doing.

640. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed.

641. I'm expecting company.

642. Please wait. Let go of me, you bully!

643. I'm willing to do anything to prevent this war.

644. It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

645. Oh, Your Excellency,

646. isn't there something I can do?

647. Yes, but I'll talk to you about that later.

648. Won't you reconsider?

649. Please relent, for my sake.

650. Well, maybe I am a little headstrong,

651. but I come by it honestly.

652. My father was a little headstrong.

653. My mother was a little armstrong.

654. The headstrongs married the armstrongs

655. and that's why darkies were born.

656. It was silly of me to lose my temper,

657. on account of that little thing you called me.

658. Little thing I called you? What did I call you?

659. Gosh, I don't even remember what it was.

660. Well, do you mean "worm"?

661. No, that wasn't it.

662. I know, "swine."

663. Uh-uh. No, it was a seven-letter word.

664. Oh, yes, "upstart"!

665. That's it. Upstart!

666. Mrs. Teasdale, this man is impossible.

667. This is an outrage. My course is clear. This means war!

668. Oh! You runt!

669. I still like upstart the best.

670. I shan't stay here a minute longer.

671. Go and never darken my towels again!

672. My hat!

673. My towel! Oh!

674. I happen to know,

675. that Freedonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's possession.

676. I must get hold of them.

677. Yes, but how?

678. We have a weekend guest in Mrs. Teasdale's house.

679. Miss Marcal.

680. Now gentlemen, do you mind waiting for me outside?

681. I'll join you in a moment.

682. Excuse me.

683. Hello?

684. Yes, I am alone. No, not yet.

685. But, Vera, we've got to work fast.

686. You must get hold of those plans tonight.

687. Chicolini and his partner should be there any minute.

688. Do everything you can to help them.

689. But I must be very careful.

690. There is another guest in here for the weekend.

691. Firefly.

692. I don't know. I think he is asleep.

693. Ring the bell.

694. Push the button.

695. You got the plans?

696. No, but they're somewhere in the house,

697. and you must find them.

698. Oh, for heaven's sake, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

699. If you're found, you're lost.

700. Oh, you crazy, how can I be lost if I'm found?

701. Got a flashlight?

702. You don't know how serious this is.

703. If they catch you, you'll be court-martialed and shot.

704. Oh, Vera!

705. I must go before she looks for me.

706. Now remember, whatever you do, don't make a sound.

707. You stay here, but keep quiet.

708. Remember what she said, if we get caught,

709. we're gonna get, uh, court-plastered.

710. Your Excellency, I'm worried. I can't sleep.

711. What?

712. You're worried? You can't sleep?

713. That's fine, now you woke me up. Now I can't sleep.

714. It's about those plans.

715. I won't rest until they're back in your hands.

716. Won't you please come over and get them?

717. Oh, the plans. Okay, I'll be right over.

718. Let me out! Let me out!

719. Let me outta here!

720. Hey, let me outta here or throw me a magazine.

721. So that's your game, eh?

722. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door in.

723. Come in.

724. Oh, Your Excellency, I'm so glad you've come.

725. I'm glad I come, too.

726. You got the plans?

727. Why, Your Excellency, you sound so strange.

728. Why are you talking like that?

729. Oh, well, you see, maybe some time I go to Italy and I'm practicing the language.

730. I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.

731. Your dialect is perfect.

732. I could listen to you all night.

733. That's all right, but I can't stay here all night.

734. Where's the plans?

735. They're in the safe downstairs.

736. I'll write out the combination.

737. Oh, there you are.

738. Here's the combination.

739. Is that clear?

740. Is there anything else you want to know?

741. What's the matter with you? Have you lost your voice?

742. Let me get you a glass of water, Your Excellency.

743. Your Excellency, here's your water.

744. What in the world is the matter with you?

745. Your Excellency! I thought you left.

746. Oh, no, I no leave.

747. But I saw you with my own eyes.

748. Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

749. Oh.

750. Your Excellency, I'm sorry, but this excitement's too much for me.

751. I feel faint.

752. Wait, I get you a glass of water.

753. How about my glass of water?

754. I give up. How about your glass of water?

755. What's that?

756. Sounds to me like mice.

757. Mice? Mice don't play music.

758. No? How about the old maestro?

759. Oh.

760. Get me headquarters.

761. Not hindquarters, headquarters.

762. Hello?

763. Rush the guards right over to Mrs. Teasdale's

764. and have them surround the house.

765. His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly.

766. Hail, hail Freedonia

767. Land of the brave and free

768. Lieutenant!

769. Why weren't the original indictment papers placed on my portfolio?

770. Why, uh, I didn't think those papers

771. were important at this time, Your Excellency.

772. You didn't think they were important?

773. You realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?

774. Here, take this bottle back and get two cents for it.

775. Hello, boss.

776. Chicolini, I bet you eight to one, we find you guilty.

777. That's a no good. I can get 10 to one at the barbershop.

778. Chicolini, you're charged with high treason.

779. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.

780. I object. Oh, you object.

781. On what grounds?

782. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

783. Objection sustained.

784. Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?

785. Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either.

786. Why don't you object?

787. Chicolini, when were you born?

788. I don't remember.

789. I was just a little baby.

790. Isn't it true you tried to sell Freedonia's secret war code and plans?

791. Sure, I sold a code and two pair of plans.

792. It's some joke, eh, boss?

793. Now I'll bet you 20 to one we find you guilty.

794. Chicolini, have you anyone here to defend you?

795. It's no use.

796. I even offered to pay as high as $18,

797. but I no could get somebody to defend me.

798. My friends, this man's case moves me deeply.

799. Look at Chicolini,

800. he sits there alone.

801. An abject figure.

802. I abject!

803. I say, look at Chicolini, he sits there alone,

804. a pitiable object.

805. Let's see you get out of that one.

806. Surrounded by a sea of unfriendly faces.

807. Chicolini, give me a number from one to 10.

808. Eleven. Right!

809. Now I ask you one.

810. What is it has a trunk, but no key,

811. weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?

812. That's irrelevant.

813. Irrelephant? Hey, that's the answer.

814. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in a circus.

815. That sort of testimony we can eliminate.

816. That's fine, I'll take some.

817. You'll take what?

818. A lemonade, a nice, cold glass of lemonade.

819. Hey, boss, I'm going good.

820. Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot

821. and look like an idiot.

822. But don't let that fool you.

823. He really is an idiot.

824. I implore you,

825. send him back to his father and brothers

826. who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary.

827. I suggest that we give him 10 years in Leavenworth or 11 years in Twelveworth.

828. I tell you what I'll do.

829. I'll take five and 10 in Woolworth.

830. I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus,

831. but I should have gotten rid of you instead.

832. I object. Even I object.

833. Then I object, too.

834. You're on trial, you can't object.

835. Your Excellency,

836. General Cooper says that the Sylvanian troops

837. are about to land on Freedonian soil.

838. This means war.

839. Something must be done.

840. War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

841. Hey, I got an uncle lives in Texas.

842. No, I'm talking about taxes, money, dollars.

843. Dallas! That's where my uncle lives, Dallas, Texas!

844. More bad news.

845. Didn't I tell you?

846. Your Excellency.

847. What's on your mind, babe?

848. In behalf of the women of Freedonia,

849. I have taken it upon myself to make one final effort to prevent war.

850. No kidding?

851. I've talked to Ambassador Trentino,

852. and he says Sylvania doesn't want war either.

853. Either. Doesn't want war either.

854. Either.

855. Skip it.

856. I've taken the liberty of asking the Ambassador to come over here.

857. Because we both felt that a friendly conference would settle everything peacefully.

858. He'll be here any moment.

859. Mrs. Teasdale, you did a noble deed.

860. I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me

861. if I didn't do everything within my power

862. to keep our beloved Freedonia at peace with the world.

863. I'd be only too happy to meet Ambassador Trentino

864. and offer him on behalf of my country

865. the right hand of good fellowship.

866. And I feel sure that he will accept this gesture

867. in the spirit in which it is offered.

868. But suppose he doesn't.

869. A fine thing that'll be.

870. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept it.

871. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it?

872. Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador.

873. Who does he think he is

874. that he can come here and make a sap out of me in front of all my people?

875. Think of it. I hold out my hand

876. and that hyena refuses to accept it.

877. Why the cheap four-flushing swine.

878. He'll never get away with it, I tell you.

879. He'll never get away with it! Oh, please!

880. So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh? Oh!

881. Mrs. Teasdale, this is the last straw. There's no turning back now!

882. This means war!

883. Then it's war!

884. Then it's war! Gather the forces!

885. Harness the horses!

886. Then it's war!

887. Freedonia's going to war

888. Each native son will grab a gun

889. And run away to war

890. At last we're going to...

891. Feet will beat along the street to war

892. We're going to war

893. At last our country's going to war

894. It seems our country's going to war

895. At last the country's going to war

896. We're going to war

897. This is a fact we can't ignore

898. We're going to war

899. This is a fact we can't ignore

900. We're going to war

901. In case you haven't heard before

902. I think they think we're going to war

903. I think they think we're going to war

904. We're going to war

905. I think they think we're going to war

906. We're going to war

907. We're going to war

908. We're going to war

909. We're going to war

910. To war, to war We're finally going to war

911. Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

912. To war, to war To war we're gonna go

913. Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

914. Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

915. Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

916. Oh, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, hi-de, ho

917. Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

918. Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho

919. Oh-ho

920. Oh-ho

921. Oh-ho

922. They got guns

923. We got guns

924. All God's children got guns

925. We're gonna walk all over the battlefield

926. 'Cause all God's children got guns

927. Oh, Freedonia Oh, don't you cry for me

928. 'Cause I'm coming 'round the mountain with a banjo on my knee

929. Oh, Freedonia Oh, don't you cry for me

930. 'Cause I'm coming 'round the mountain

931. With a banjo

932. On my

933. Knee

934. To war, to war To war we're gonna go

935. To war, to war, to war

936. To war, to war We soon will say goodbye

937. Oh, how we'd cry for Firefly if Firefly should die

938. A mighty man is he

939. A man of brawn who'll carry on till dawn of victory

940. With him to lead the way our spirits will not lag

941. Until the Judgment Day we'll rally round the flag

942. The flag, the flag, the flag

943. The enemy is coming!

944. There'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land

945. and one if they're coming by sea.

946. They double-crossed me. They're coming by land and sea.

947. Ride through every village and town!

948. Wake every citizen uphill and down!

949. Tell them the enemy comes from afar.

950. With a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha-cha

951. Be off, my lad!

952. My husband! Quickly! Hide in there.

953. Oh, don't.

954. Freedonia's going to war.

955. I'm gonna take a bath.

956. Clear all wires.

957. The enemy has captured Hill 27 and 28.

958. Throwing 13 hillbillies out of work.

959. Last night, two snipers crept into our machine gun nest and laid an egg.

960. Send reinforcements immediately.

961. Send that off collect.

962. Your Excellency, our men are being badly beaten in open warfare.

963. I suggest we dig trenches.

964. Dig trenches with our men being killed off like flies?

965. There isn't time to dig trenches.

966. We'll buy ready-made. Here, run out and get some trenches.

967. Yes, sir. Wait a minute,

968. get them this high and our soldiers won't need any pants.

969. Yes, sir. Wait a minute,

970. get them this high and we won't need any soldiers.

971. Yes, sir.

972. Chicolini, your partner's deserted us, but I'm still counting on you.

973. There's a machine gun nest near Hill 28. I want it cleaned out.

974. All right, I'll tell the janitor.

975. Message from the front, sir.

976. Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front.

977. Don't we ever get a message from the side?

978. What is it? General Smith reports a gas attack.

979. He wants to know what to do.

980. Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate soda

981. and a half a glass of water.

982. Yes, sir.

983. Any answer to that message? No, sir.

984. Well, in that case, don't send that.

985. Gentlemen, this is the last straw.

986. Where's my Stradivarius? Here, sir.

987. I'll show them they can't fiddle around with old Firefly.

988. Look at them run. Now they know they've been in a war.

989. Your Excellency!

990. They're fleeing like rats.

991. But, sir, I've got to tell...

992. Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this.

993. Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men.

994. What? You're shooting your own men!

995. Here's $5. Keep it under your hat.

996. Never mind. I'll keep it under my hat.

997. Now we've got to have more men or we're lost.

998. Don't be alarmed, I've got a man combing the countryside for volunteers.

999. Your Excellency, the army's morale is crumbling. The men are breaking ranks.

1000. Where's the Secretary of War?

1001. That's it! Where is the Secretary of War?

1002. The soldiers are waiting for his orders.

1003. His Excellency, the Secretary of War.

1004. Awfully decent of you to drop in today.

1005. You realize our army is facing disastrous defeat?

1006. What do you intend to do about it? I've done it already.

1007. You've done what? I've changed to the other side.

1008. So you're on the other side, eh?

1009. Well, what are you doing over here?

1010. Well, the food is better over here.

1011. Chicolini, I need you badly right now.

1012. What'll you take to come back and work for me again?

1013. I'll take a vacation.

1014. Good, you're hired.

1015. Now, go out in that battlefield and lead those men to victory.

1016. Go on, they're waiting for you.

1017. I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things

1018. that go up and down like this. What do you call those things?

1019. Tanks. You're welcome.

1020. Your Excellency, you must come over here at once.

1021. There's danger here.

1022. Why don't you come over here? There's no danger here.

1023. Shh! Rufus.

1024. Oh!

1025. Wait a minute, I want to find out something.

1026. Just as I thought, the coast is clear.

1027. Rufus!

1028. Chicolini, to your post!

1029. Oh!

1030. Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor

1031. which is probably more than she ever did.

1032. Your Excellency!

1033. There goes my gun. Run out and get that like a good girl.

1034. Oh, I'm afraid!

1035. We can't last much longer.

1036. Our ammunition supplies are very low.

1037. Man the boats, Lieutenant! I'll get help.

1038. Calling all nations! Calling all nations!

1039. This is Rufus T...

1040. This is Rufus T. Firefly, coming to you through the courtesy of the enemy.

1041. We're in a mess, folks! We're in a mess!

1042. Rush to Freedonia. Three men and one woman are trapped in a building.

1043. Send help at once.

1044. If you can't send help, send two more women.

1045. Make it three more women.

1046. Your Excellency, we can't hold out much longer. We must have help.

1047. One of us has got to break through the lines

1048. and get word to General Cooper and his men.

1049. Quiet back there!

1050. Which one of us is gonna have the rare privilege

1051. of sacrificing his life for his country?

1052. We draw lots. Wait! I got it.

1053. Ringspot! Vonza, twoza, zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga, tin-li-tav.

1054. Harem-scarem, merchan-tarem, teir, tore...

1055. I did it wrong. Wait, wait, wait, I start here.

1056. Ringspot! Vonza, twoza, zig-zag-zav, popti, vinaga, tin-li-tav.

1057. Harem-scarem, merchan-tarem, teir, tore...

1058. That's no good, too.

1059. Oh, I got it. I got it.

1060. Ringspot! Buck!

1061. You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines!

1062. And remember, while you're out there risking life and limb through shot and shell,

1063. we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

1064. Goodbye, Mont Blanc, goodbye.

1065. For Freedonia! For Freedonia!

1066. For Freedonia!

1067. Gloria! Gloria!

1068. Where did they get you?

1069. Oh!

1070. Hey, careful with the water. It's the only water we got.

1071. Well, it's the only woman we got.

1072. We're surrounded! They're attacking from the rear.

1073. They're coming this way.

1074. We'll barricade the door.

1075. This is Firefly talking! Send help at once!

1076. Help is on the way!

1077. Carry on, men! Help is on the way!

1078. They got me.

1079. They got me.

1080. Water!

1081. Water!

1082. - Get me out of this! - Get me out of this!

1083. The last time this happened to me I was crawling under a bed.

1084. Oh, if help would only come.

1085. Your Excellency!

1086. Any mail for me while I was gone?

1087. Oh, don't touch me! Get away from me!

1088. Oh!

1089. Oh!

1090. Hey, Trentino!

1091. Trentino, eh? That's game.

1092. Trentino! Trentino, eh?

1093. Call me an upstart, eh?

1094. I surrender! I surrender!

1095. I'm sorry, you'll have to wait until the fruit runs out.

1096. Victory is ours!

1097. Hail, hail Freedonia

1098. Land of the brave