Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

1. Another glass of...

2. rosé?

3. No. The hour is long past.

4. Check.

5. Check!

6. The case, Santos.

7. My case. Stand back!

8. Do not advance!

9. The case, Santos.

10. Halt! Evildoer.

11. The case, Santos.

12. Not on your life, waiter.

13. Oh, God.

14. Go.

15. - Oh, Jamie!

16. Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now.

17. Leave a message.

18. Hey, Jamie.

19. - Are you there?

20. Just wondering, are you and Sukie

21. - going to shot night tonight? Oh, my God!

22. I don't want to be stuck there not knowing anyone.

23. Maybe Carla's going.

24. Do you know if Carla's going?

25. Are you going?

26. Anyway, call me if you would.

27. Come on, back to mama.

28. Hope you and Sukie are doing well.

29. Miss you, friend. It's Marian.

30. Hey. Marian.

31. Hi, Bart.

32. Say, what are you doing tomorrow night?

33. There's a Phish concert.

34. What?

35. Phish concert.

36. Great jam band, at the Civic Center.

37. Yeah, oh, I...

38. P-H.

39. I know how to spell Phish.

40. Y-Yeah, of course. I didn't mean to...

41. - Y-You know, I just meant... - Sorry, I have an engagement.

42. Okay. Bummer.

43. Didn't mean to, you know...

44. That's fine.

45. Anyhoo, what about...

46. Please don't use that expression.

47. - What expression? - "Anyhoo."

48. It's not an expression.

49. What is it?

50. A word.

51. Please don't use that word.

52. Okay. You-you free Wednesday?

53. Plus, it's not even a word. Not really.

54. Okay, sure. Free for dinner Wednesday?

55. There's a new place near me, Montana's.

56. It's very good.

57. Yeah, the food is trendy, but it's super gourmet.

58. No, I have an engagement Wednesday.

59. Okay. Huh. Wednesday, too.

60. People don't usually call them "engagements."

61. Do I tell you how to speak?

62. Yes.

63. The fact remains.

64. The engagement.

65. That's right.

66. Oh, my.

67. Oh, my God. Oh!

68. My God!

69. Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now.

70. - Leave a message.

71. Jesus, Marian, don't call me during sex.

72. Yes, I am going tonight.

73. During sex?

74. - Hi, Sukie. Wow.

75. - Who? Here? Yes, there.

76. Oh, no one's here, babe.

77. - I was just masturbating. Uh-huh.

78. Me... me time.

79. Let me turn the video down.

80. No.

81. What? - No.

82. No what, Carla?

83. You're not wearing that.

84. - I just came from work. - I came from Toledo.

85. I don't dress like it.

86. - Is Jamie here? - Okay, look.

87. Keep the coat on. Take the shirt off underneath.

88. And flaunt my breasts?

89. I'm not here to peddle my wares.

90. Why else would you be here?

91. To socialize.

92. Hello, girls.

93. All I hear lately is "Y2K, Y2K."

94. But Jamie Dobbs is here to say...

95. Why not 2K?

96. New millennium, bring it on.

97. Oh, yeah. It's the last body shot competition of 1999

98. here at Sugar 'n Spice,

99. and Jamie is last month's winner,

100. so we are gonna salt you up.

101. Show us where the first lick goes, babe.

102. So, first lick...

103. Here.

104. God, look at that slut.

105. Oh. Hi, Sukie.

106. Don't put that woman

107. in front of a crowd with a microphone.

108. And then second lick... - Well, she likes to entertain.

109. Ooh! Take it off! Take it off!

110. Here.

111. And then she gets this reinforcement.

112. And then third lick... - Do you know who she's fucking?

113. I don't know that she's seeing anyone.

114. She's seeing you, of course.

115. Can I have your shirt?

116. Here.

117. She's a free spirit.

118. - I admire her.

119. Free. Yeah, that's the problem.

120. Put a meter on her pussy, we could all retire!

121. That's not fair, Sukie.

122. And a lime wedge... right here!

123. Pull that out!

124. That is not a public receptacle!

125. - Somebody's gonna get hit. Oh. Hi, Sukie.

126. I've had it with love.

127. I know bards and troubadours are high on it,

128. but I don't believe it's relevant to the modern

129. 20th— soon-to-be 21st— century lesbian.

130. Here are some carrots. Those peas are thawed.

131. - This right here is what it gets you. - Mm-hmm.

132. So I've hatched a plan, my friend.

133. If you'll come help me

134. move my shit out of Sukie's tomorrow...

135. I'm not getting in the middle of that.

136. I have my own problems.

137. What problems?

138. Internal.

139. - Internal? - Yes.

140. I don't know how else to put it.

141. Problems with what I feel internally.

142. How can you have internal problems?

143. You got your ass all bricked up.

144. I'm not certain, honey darling, that you have ever

145. reached deep inside any orifice to scoop out your soul

146. and fling it shamelessly at a fellow human being

147. and humiliate yourself and grovel and weep

148. and feel your ego completely disintegrate,

149. otherwise known as the glory of love.

150. Please don't eat those peas.

151. Now, my plan is: you come help me pack,

152. - and then we two... - I can't. I'm leaving town.

153. What? I am, too. That was my plan.

154. Where are you going?

155. Tallahassee, Florida.

156. Why would anybody go to Tallahassee, Florida?

157. My Aunt Ellis lives there.

158. Can't she move?

159. Tallahassee is very nice.

160. It's not glitzy and gross like Miami.

161. It has live oak and Spanish moss.

162. Me and Aunt Ellis go to the St. Marks Wildlife Preserve.

163. There's good birding.

164. Birding?

165. How have I missed out on this?

166. It's very pleasant.

167. So you just came up with this wild hair in your ass to bird.

168. I've been unhappy,

169. and I'm starting to snap at people at work,

170. and it's not fair to them.

171. I'm only impatient with myself.

172. Well, we can fix that.

173. We'll have you running right in no time.

174. That's why we take this trip together, honey babe.

175. We get our shit together, together.

176. See, I was gonna take some time off,

177. get a drive-away, just go potluck anywhere.

178. Now you can come with me,

179. and we can go to Tallahassee and bird.

180. What's a drive-away?

181. Free one-way rental.

182. You deliver the car to wherever some client

183. of the drive-away company wants it,

184. if they got one going near your destination.

185. I don't know if you'll like Aunt Ellis.

186. Are you kidding? A birder?

187. I'll wear my great big old straw hat,

188. and she is going to L-O-V-E love me.

189. You know how parents and such love me.

190. They think I got charisma.

191. "Oh, Marian, who's your loquacious friend?

192. "I just love that chatty little girl.

193. Isn't she something?"

194. I'm not sure.

195. Don't go finding a problem here.

196. This is going to be F-U-N-N fun, girl.

197. Just come help me move my stuff out of Sukie's tomorrow.

198. Don't worry, she's not even gonna be there.

199. Oh, God!

200. - Take it! Oh, God!

201. Sukie, don't. What are you doing?

202. - I don't want it anymore.

203. You said she wouldn't be here.

204. Sukie, I'm just taking my own stuff.

205. That was a gift.

206. I wanted you to have it.

207. I don't want it if we're not going to both use it!

208. Sukie, it's your wall dildo.

209. No, no, no, no.

210. And take Alice, too.

211. I never liked her.

212. And she won't stop barking!

213. How can I take the dog, Sukie? I don't have a home.

214. Remember, you kicked me out?

215. Take Alice. Take the wall dildo.

216. It's your dildo, Susanne.

217. Curlie's Drive-Away,

218. Pennsylvania's most trusted name in car delivery.

219. Curlie speaking.

220. Okay, it's going to Tallahassee.

221. Uh-huh. Tallahassee, Florida.

222. Yeah, you have something to write this down?

223. - Yes, I'm writing it down. - To 14 Tinywick Road.

224. - Right. - Tallahassee.

225. - Sure. - You got it?

226. - Right. Got it. - Can you help us?

227. And it's got to be there by end of day tomorrow.

228. - By tomorrow. - No later.

229. - Uh-huh. - Okay.

230. - Okay. - Over and out.

231. Can you help us? We need a drive-away.

232. $250 deposit and a reference.

233. A reference?

234. Somebody local I can break his balls

235. if you don't show up where you're supposed to.

236. His balls.

237. Can the reference be a woman? We don't know a lot of men.

238. No kidding.

239. - Where do you want to go? - Tallahassee.

240. Tallahassee?

241. What's wrong with Tallahassee? It's very nice.

242. There's Spanish moss and live oak.

243. I think Curlie here...

244. Don't call me Curlie.

245. Isn't your name Curlie?

246. My name is Curlie.

247. We just met. It's too familiar.

248. Have you ever been to Tallahassee?

249. No, I got good sense.

250. - Your car is a Dodge Aries. - Oh.

251. Okay. Is that a good car?

252. Not really.

253. You sell those shirts?

254. There's also a place here in Wilmington—

255. fantastic dyke bar, the Butter Churn.

256. And this place, Levi's Barbecue in Charleston.

257. Memphis-style barbecue, really good.

258. Everyone goes to Charlie Vergos',

259. - but it's just... - Jamie.

260. It's a straight shot to Tallahassee.

261. Down and across.

262. Right here's the world's largest Dixie cup

263. outside of Mitchell, Georgia.

264. Direct route, down and across.

265. We don't need to see the world's largest Dixie cup.

266. We don't need to enjoy life, but as long as we're here...

267. The world's largest Dixie cup is not life.

268. It's a straight shot on the interstate, down and across.

269. The interstate is not life.

270. It is, more than the world's largest Dixie cup.

271. You're the one that wanted to go birding. That's nature.

272. What's a dyke bar? That's not nature?

273. Even a Dixie cup, you could make an argument.

274. He said it was a rush job.

275. We're supposed to have the car there tomorrow.

276. Tomorrow can wait a day.

277. We could even go to Miami.

278. Bikinis and high heels.

279. A medical doctor?

280. Or a reverend?

281. Yeah, no, we don't have a discount for men of God, no.

282. No, not for medical doctors, either.

283. Make up your mind— which are you?

284. It doesn't matter. We have no discounts.

285. Our everyday low prices are already rock bottom.

286. Thank you for calling Curlie's.

287. Welcome to Curlie's Drive-Away.

288. Well, we're here.

289. Okay. Who are you?

290. - The car. - The car?

291. The Dodge Aries.

292. The Dodge Aries?

293. What are you, a mynah bird?

294. I'm Curlie.

295. I understand that.

296. You're not the Dodge.

297. What do you mean, we're not the Dodge?

298. What's the big deal? The car isn't ours.

299. But it's art, and the car is ours till Tallahassee.

300. And once we get to Tallahassee, it stops being art and starts being vandalism.

301. Fuckety-fuck's sake, Marian, it'll come off with a little

302. - soap and water. - It won't.

303. - Won't what? - Come off with soap and water.

304. - Well, how do you know? - I tried.

305. Marian, it's art.

306. Stop saying it's art.

307. That doesn't end all discussion.

308. We're gonna be driving through

309. some conservative towns— the South.

310. - The Bible Belt. - Mm, don't I know it.

311. Honey, I grew up where the Bible Belt

312. meets the ass crack of the Pecos River.

313. Fort Worth is nowhere near the "Pay-cos" River.

314. That's "Peck-us," honey darling.

315. And the car art is just a part of my larger undertaking.

316. My project.

317. What's your project?

318. Loosening you up so we can get you laid, sugar sweet.

319. How long's it been?

320. Weeks?

321. Months?

322. Oh, my God, Marian.

323. Don't tell me it's been years.

324. H-How many years? Who was it?

325. You've had sex since what's-her-name, haven't you?

326. Donna.

327. Yeah, Donna.

328. Oh, my God.

329. Oh, my God. Donna?

330. She work for Al Gore now?

331. Nader.

332. That's right. She just looks like Al Gore.

333. Wait a minute.

334. You said people of yours would come in for it.

335. Yes, I did.

336. You call with a drop-off in Tallahassee,

337. and then these broads come in

338. and say they're ready to go to Tallahassee.

339. You gave them the car.

340. You don't know who they were?

341. I told you their names.

342. Their names, yes, but...

343. This place is a dump.

344. They drive the car instead of you.

345. Is that bad?

346. Bad if they find the goods.

347. This place is a pigsty. Why don't you get a girl in?

348. I like clutter.

349. They didn't have a cellular phone?

350. Sterile doesn't work for me.

351. He asked you a question, dick-yank.

352. - Dick-yank? Flint.

353. I'm a dick-yank?

354. Don't antagonize.

355. It's like talking to a bucket of wet cement.

356. You wouldn't know wet cement if it bit you in the ass.

357. And you would?

358. So, there's no way to get in contact with them?

359. Not per se.

360. "Per se"?

361. They left a local number.

362. Everybody's got to leave a local number.

363. Someone whose balls I can break.

364. Now you've gone and done it.

365. Susanne Shinkleman, 2431 North Garnet.

366. You better hope your friends deliver that car.

367. Tomorrow.

368. This is great.

369. This is so slutty. I love this.

370. - Hope they have postcards. - Uh, Jamie?

371. All right, let's put on our war paint.

372. The Butter Churn awaits.

373. Jamie, I think I'd prefer to...

374. No. No, don't even.

375. You come with me.

376. I'll show you how this is done.

377. Hiya. Do you know where the Butter Churn is?

378. It's a dyke bar.

379. Or do you have, like, a Time Out Wilmington?

380. I mean, is there one with, uh, gay/lesbian listings?

381. You wouldn't have one, but do you know

382. if there's a newsstand or a lesbian bookstore?

383. You know, Sapphic Wonders, something like that?

384. Hello?

385. Confidence.

386. You got to show that you're comfortable with the physical.

387. This isn't like meeting somebody at a NOW convention,

388. where you talk about dismantling the patriarchy.

389. Jamie, I have done this before.

390. It's just like this.

391. One message.

392. You dig the female body.

393. Your body.

394. You're like this.

395. Not like this.

396. "Let's dismantle the patriarchy."

397. I have done this before.

398. I am not a schoolmarm.

399. You fuck people that work for Ralph Nader.

400. - Not only. - Only in the last four years.

401. Three years.

402. And four months and 14 days.

403. Okay.

404. You feeling your body?

405. Very much so.

406. Okay.

407. Who looks good to you?

408. They all look fine.

409. Fine?

410. Like, "You'll do"?

411. "Please, please come home with me, baby.

412. "You seem totally okay.

413. Are there any other mediocre ones like you at home?"

414. I didn't say they all looked mediocre.

415. I said they all looked fine.

416. Yeah, but not in the sense of "super fine."

417. In the sense of "fine, whatever."

418. Why are you jousting with me?

419. I'm not jousting.

420. I'm asking which of these women

421. you want to throw up against the wall

422. and fuck like there's no tomorrow.

423. Look, Jamie, I'm not a "throw up against the wall

424. and fuck the daylights out of" kind of person.

425. Stop trying to make me something I'm not.

426. I'm just trying to get you laid, sugar sweet.

427. They sense it,

428. whether you want to fuck them

429. or you think they're just fine.

430. I have to be me.

431. It has to be done with authenticity.

432. - You mean with authority. - I mean with authenticity.

433. Authenticity gets you somebody that works for Ralph Nader.

434. You don't know what our life was like.

435. You know nothing about its worth.

436. Then why didn't the two of you move

437. to Santa Fe and synchronize your menstrual cycles?

438. That didn't happen.

439. That's why you're here in a dyke bar

440. looking for cheap, sleazy sex.

441. No, I'm not.

442. This is not me.

443. You're right. I can't do this.

444. No, Marian.

445. I'm sorry, honey girl. I-I'm saying you can do this.

446. You can do this.

447. You can be cheap. I promise, honey girl.

448. Your best self.

449. Jamie, I know you're well-intentioned,

450. but this really isn't right for me.

451. You should stay and enjoy your night on the town.

452. "On the town"?

453. Here we go.

454. - Right here. Look.

455. - Hold it. Better.

456. - Great. Turn.

457. Oh.

458. Hello.

459. Good evening.

460. I'm Amber.

461. Marian.

462. What you reading?

463. Europeans by Henry James.

464. Wow. Thick one.

465. Hello, Marian.

466. Hello.

467. So, is this gonna be a threesome?

468. No.

469. No, no.

470. - No. - Oh. Okay.

471. Rats.

472. Well...

473. I'll just...

474. How was it?

475. Bouncy.

476. How's your book?

477. Good.

478. It's about two free spirits

479. who visit a repressed family in New England.

480. Uh, hello. They are all repressed in New England.

481. That is why we are going the other way.

482. Although there was this one chick

483. I screwed once from New Hampshire.

484. Uh, she got her tongue so far in me,

485. I swore it was gonna wriggle out my asshole.

486. No, I'm not kidding.

487. They say that there's advanced yoga people

488. in India supposedly who can do that.

489. Black belts in cunnilingus.

490. They can even cunniling themselves.

491. They got pictures of it in, like, medical texts.

492. You got to ask the librarian.

493. They don't keep 'em in the stacks.

494. Who wrote your book?

495. Henry James.

496. Henry James...

497. American writer.

498. Famous family. His brother, too.

499. Rick?

500. No, I'm kidding.

501. I know who Henry James is.

502. White and uptight.

503. They had us read Portrait of a Lady in school.

504. Boy, that was a great read.

505. Like somebody dragging day-old spaghetti across my tits.

506. That's a very apt simile.

507. - His prose is labyrinthine. - Yeah.

508. Put me off the whole book thing.

509. Henry James is, in fact, the reason that I don't read.

510. - Uh-huh. - Except road signs.

511. Uh-huh, yeah. I don't think you should've brought someone back to the room.

512. Okay.

513. I knew this was coming.

514. How do you think I felt?

515. You told me to have a night on the town.

516. Yeah, people say things. It's not always what they feel.

517. Yeah, well, I'm from Texas. We don't read minds.

518. We operate on a handshake basis.

519. - What does that mean? - "Hiya. How you doing?

520. "How much for that Cadillac car?

521. How would you like to have oral sex?" Texas!

522. - Okay. - Where you from, girl?

523. - Not Texas. - I know that.

524. - Well, then why'd you ask? - I...

525. I don't know. I'm...

526. Sorry.

527. No. I'm sorry.

528. Why are you sorry?

529. You're good. I'm a little...

530. No, I'm a big baby sometimes.

531. - Uncle Gino's!

532. You are not going to believe this.

533. See over there?

534. UNG soccer team.

535. Uh-huh.

536. I was in line next to Doreen, the captain.

537. Uh-huh.

538. They're very committed lesbians,

539. and they're on their way to Marietta, Georgia,

540. which is practically on our way.

541. Not exactly.

542. We were supposed to deliver the car today.

543. Should we look at the map, see how long...

544. Forget the map. After today's game,

545. these girls are gonna have a basement party.

546. And guess who's invited.

547. I'm sure you are.

548. Nuh-uh.

549. Us.

550. You see?

551. Shit happens when you eat at Uncle Gino's.

552. - Goal! Goal!

553. Hello?

554. Well, here I am, my thumb up my ass.

555. - They didn't. - No.

556. That's all right. We've got a plan B.

557. Another way to get them back?

558. - Yes, sir.

559. - I'm not gonna wait forever. - Yes, sir.

560. I understand that, sir.

561. You do understand?

562. - You got my word on it. - Your word.

563. - Let me just...

564. No-show.

565. Rotate right.

566. Um...

567. Ca-Can we, um...

568. See, actually, we're just friends.

569. Come on, Marian.

570. It's no big deal.

571. - Susanne Shinkleman? - Susanne Shinkleman.

572. Who the fuck are you?

573. Since when do women curse like that?

574. You know Jamie Dobbs?

575. - Do you know Jamie Dobbs? - You guttersnipe.

576. Should've known it was about that cunt!

577. - And Marian Pallavi?

578. You-you shouldn't do that.

579. He can't fight back. He can't hit a girl.

580. He's old-school.

581. We just want to locate your friends.

582. They inadvertently took something that belongs to us.

583. - We don't want to hurt them. - They're not my friends.

584. Hurt 'em as much as you want.

585. Okay.

586. It would be helpful if you had a picture.

587. Picture? Yeah.

588. - Got a picture of one of 'em.

589. If you find 'em, give it to her.

590. Okay.

591. Will do.

592. If you bring someone back, just...

593. I'll take my book to the office.

594. I still have a couple of chapters left.

595. Marian.

596. We don't yet know exactly where they are,

597. but we do know who they are.

598. We've got a picture of one of the girls. We're all set to...

599. Oh, who gives a shit who they are?

600. I want the package.

601. We will find and deliver the package.

602. - Under control. - I am unhappy.

603. I understand that you are unhappy, sir.

604. Damn right I am.

605. I've got my two best men on the...

606. All right.

607. Get some coffee.

608. You two are gonna be driving all night.

609. Where you headed, miss?

610. Home.

611. And where's that?

612. Some motel. I don't know.

613. You don't know?

614. I can't remember the name.

615. A motel on the highway.

616. And where you coming from?

617. A house.

618. Whose house?

619. I don't know.

620. It was a slumber party.

621. Little old for slumber parties, aren't you, miss?

622. Look, mister...

623. You know what?

624. I'm gonna drop you off at home.

625. Aw.

626. Hey, handsome.

627. Hey, handsome.

628. Want to get plastered?

629. I'll drive when it's my turn.

630. - At the end of three hours.

631. I have no sympathy for you, my friend.

632. You could've just asked her, and you'd be fine right now.

633. - I just asked. She answered.

634. But you cannot relate to the public,

635. which, in a service profession, is a big fucking handicap.

636. - And that sound

637. is beginning to get irritating.

638. Well, your lectures are getting irritating.

639. I don't lecture, my friend. That's my point.

640. I take people in. I react.

641. I read people to get what I want.

642. You, though, you think life is this

643. orderly series of people to beat the shit out of.

644. Well, real life is not like that.

645. You only see it that way because you're not nourished

646. by human contact, the human give-and-take, so forth.

647. Uh-uh. "Me want, me take."

648. That's what you're comfortable with.

649. - Yeah, yeah. - Caveman shit.

650. You don't engage the whole person.

651. Well, you did a great job helping me engage

652. that very agile harpy.

653. Didn't have to.

654. No need whatsoever for the physical approach,

655. which you couldn't see because you don't savor

656. the stuff of life.

657. I'm not a sissy boy, if that's what you mean.

658. - Kiss my ass. I...

659. - Hello? Okay, we're on track.

660. Marian Pallavi was picked up for vagrancy

661. last night in Marietta, Georgi.

662. - Just north of Atlanta. - On it.

663. Georgia.

664. Thank you.

665. For what?

666. Just picking me up.

667. Am I not gonna pick you up?

668. Hard not to.

669. "Ma'am, your friend here is in the hoosegow. Care to come get her?"

670. I'll come get you all day, every day.

671. I will not let a friend of mine rot in prison

672. longer than is absolutely necessary.

673. And so I say thank you.

674. Course, you ain't told me how you come to be in prison,

675. and I've been careful not to ask,

676. but damn, Marian,

677. landing yourself in prison is a very hopeful sign for you.

678. I think it was jail, not prison.

679. Oh. I'm sorry.

680. Uh, you ain't told me how you come to be in jail.

681. It wasn't hell-raising.

682. Sorry to disappoint.

683. A policeman didn't like my tone.

684. Oh.

685. You copped some attitude.

686. I don't have attitude.

687. Marian, if I may,

688. there are certain things in life

689. which you got to sense and understand

690. in order to live life,

691. and one of the things that you got to understand is, uh...

692. well, all these funny little creatures

693. that you probably noticed walking around on two legs,

694. we call 'em human beings.

695. Got to understand what makes 'em tick.

696. And your whole social situation,

697. you got to understand what that is.

698. Uh-huh.

699. You know what that means?

700. "Social situation"?

701. I know what "social situation" means.

702. Okay, good.

703. So, the whole thing with a cop is—

704. and you should remember this for future reference—

705. when you're in a social situation with a cop,

706. there ain't no social situation.

707. There's a "keep your fucking mouth shut" situation.

708. There's a "yes, sir" situation is what there is.

709. Believe me, honey doll, I've been dating a cop

710. for two years now, and...

711. I ain't talking through my vulva here.

712. Thank you. I understand.

713. But if authority is being abused,

714. - there's an obligation to... - Holy shit.

715. Florida.

716. Lesbian...

717. don't let the sun go down on you here.

718. You okay?

719. Spare tire.

720. What?

721. Something burning?

722. Jamie, it's cold.

723. Don't touch it.

724. I saw this movie once where

725. they come across this box, the people in the movie,

726. and they opened the box,

727. and it was, like, really, really bad.

728. Head!

729. No, I'm kidding.

730. It was a minor traffic accident.

731. Fast stop.

732. His, uh, face hit the wheel.

733. Looking at a pretty girl, weren't you, Flint?

734. No more looking at pretty girls for you, right?

735. That's right.

736. So, are they, like, wanted or something?

737. Oh, no, no. No, they're not in trouble at all.

738. Just drove off with something we need.

739. Didn't even know they had it.

740. So, what were you all doing here last night?

741. - Just making out.

742. Oh, yeah?

743. With who?

744. No kiss-and-tell, huh?

745. Anyway, we need to find those girls to get our...

746. sample case back.

747. And when we heard Doreen here paid Marian's fine, we thought,

748. well, you girls might know where they're headed.

749. How did you know about its being Doreen's check?

750. We have contacts in law enforcement.

751. No, no.

752. We should just call the cops.

753. We will, Jamie.

754. First, we should see what's in here.

755. Why? I don't want to look.

756. - Why do I have to look? - Jamie, listen.

757. Whoever sliced that head off knows who we are.

758. This might tell us who they are,

759. so we won't be at a disadvantage.

760. The police can find out, and the police can protect us.

761. Protect us?

762. They're not the Secret Service, and we're not Chelsea Clinton.

763. What do we lose by looking?

764. Look.

765. I just want to know what's going on.

766. This might tell us.

767. I bet it's locked.

768. - We got to call the cops. - Why?

769. That was awful.

770. You just said not to call the cops.

771. In ignorance.

772. No, what you said was true.

773. The cops could think you're involved.

774. You just spent the night in jail.

775. For vagrancy.

776. We wouldn't have anything to do with... that.

777. Okay, honey, cool your jets.

778. Here's what we do.

779. First, we get to Tallahassee.

780. Bye!

781. How about next time, you let me do all the talking?

782. Sure, gassing is what you're good at.

783. Well it sure as hell ain't what you're good at.

784. I'm not a suck-up or a salesman.

785. Uh-huh. You think you would've gotten

786. the address where they're headed?

787. I don't think so, Mr. Sunshine.

788. Okay, we've got some hard driving to do.

789. Bye!

790. Welcome to El Conquistador.

791. Yeah, hiya. Do you have a room for two right away?

792. Uh, we do have one available. Yes. How many nights?

793. Well, tonight, and then we'll play it by ear.

794. You take the Rainbow Card?

795. Uh, I'm sure we do.

796. Yes, actually, that's just a, uh, Visa specialty card.

797. Yeah, but they give a percentage of each purchase

798. to gay, lesbian, bi, transgender charities.

799. You do that, right?

800. Well, the issuer would be the one to take care of that.

801. Do you have a super reinforced safe

802. for sensitive materials?

803. We do have in-room safes

804. for any valuables that you may have.

805. This place is lesbian-friendly, right?

806. Uh, yes. Uh, well, sure.

807. We're friendly to anyone who wants to stay.

808. Do you have ice?

809. This is it?

810. They said Farm Road 80.

811. What's the matter?

812. Afraid of the stuff of life?

813. Is this, um... Slappy's?

814. That's right.

815. Have you seen two, um, nonlocal women come in here?

816. That's one of them.

817. I was sittin' here listening

818. to Junior Kimbrough a couple years back.

819. One girl come in here, appear to be to me a half local.

820. I don't recollect two come in here any time recent.

821. Now, that's true.

822. Love will bite your ass.

823. Oh, I can send Sukie.

824. But why would these people just be waiting there

825. in the drive-away office?

826. Well, clearly, this was not

827. your garden-variety decapitation.

828. This was some kind of a...

829. Well, I don't know what it was,

830. but they know we have their stuff.

831. Yeah?

832. Look, Marian, they can't find us.

833. Maybe they're waiting for us to find them.

834. That's the only place we'd know to call.

835. But why would we get in touch with them?

836. Sell it back, shake 'em down.

837. Which, incidentally, is not such a bad idea.

838. Jamie.

839. Look, I didn't invent extortion.

840. But, Jamie, why would Susanne help us?

841. She hates you.

842. Oh, she's had two days to cool off.

843. Get the fuck back in that lockup.

844. Officer Kracik said I could speak to my attorney.

845. Attorney? Are you a college boy?

846. Officer Kracik said I could speak to my lawyer.

847. Officer Kracik ain't running booking.

848. I'm running booking, jackass.

849. - He said... - You want me to walk over there

850. and kick your number-running ass

851. back into the Delaware fucking River?

852. Who's running booking?

853. - You are. - Who is?

854. - You are. - No fucking shit!

855. Shink! - Yeah.

856. Telephone.

857. Sergeant Shinkleman.

858. Hey. It's me.

859. Oh, what a lovely surprise.

860. Sukie, come on, now. Let's be friends. I...

861. - Did the two creeps find you? - What?

862. The two weirdos looking for you.

863. I tried to be helpful.

864. - Uh, but who were they? - How should I know?

865. Bill collectors, herpes patients.

866. Two more people you fucked over somehow.

867. - George and Lennie. - George and Lennie?

868. Of Mice and Men. Have you read any books?

869. Books, maybe not, but, sweetie,

870. I'm gonna help you break a big murder case.

871. - "Break a big murder case"?

872. Just go over to Curlie's Drive-Away.

873. - Curlie's Drive-Away? - Yeah.

874. - And you ask Curlie about...

875. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Turn that down!

876. Ask him about the what in the attaché case?

877. You should see what they got locked up in that thing.

878. Jamie, that is about

879. the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I'm a cop.

880. Why would I make it up? Just go to Curlie's Drive-Away.

881. I guarantee you someone's there.

882. You guarantee? I'm supposed to believe you?

883. Fine. You know what? If no one's there,

884. I'll take Alice.

885. Really? Swear?

886. Yes, I swear. I pussy-promise. I will take the dog.

887. You'll never have to deal with her again.

888. A juke joint where?

889. Wetumpka, Alabama.

890. Well, outside of Wetumpka.

891. They hadn't been there,

892. but a very personable music lover

893. told us of another juke joint

894. - fairly close by called... - You see?

895. Stop!

896. Called Ike's.

897. Maybe he said "Mike's."

898. Maybe he said "Mike."

899. Uh, "Mike" or... But whatever.

900. I think the soccer team was just confused

901. about which joint these girls were going to,

902. so we're gonna drive...

903. Stop saying words.

904. One of the girls finally used a credit card.

905. They arrived in Tallahassee

906. and checked into a hotel called El Conquistador.

907. Tallahassee.

908. I want you to get your asses over there

909. and take care of it right away.

910. Not a juke joint.

911. You should arrive by early morning.

912. I'll meet you there.

913. Uh, I'll level with you, Chief.

914. Flint and me could use a little shut-eye.

915. We have not slept since the night before last,

916. - and we...

917. Hello?

918. - Chief? - Who's in Tallahassee?

919. Certainly.

920. There are a number of places I can recommend locally,

921. or right here at the hotel,

922. we have Espadrilles for casual dining,

923. or we have Baxter's by the Pool,

924. which is our more elegant venue down in the lower level.

925. Maybe we should stay here.

926. Replenish the ice.

927. This is great, but how...

928. Ladies, are we enjoying a beverage this evening?

929. Rainbow.

930. Yes.

931. Uh, can we get some champagne, please?

932. Like, a really, really good one?

933. Of course.

934. Won't you have to pay for the card at some point?

935. Theoretically.

936. So...

937. I've been thinking about it, and...

938. finally dawned on me that you are not the kind of person

939. that a girl brings to a roadside motel for a quickie.

940. Now, I have heard of the more soulful sex

941. where you have a nice dinner and conversation first

942. so it all comes out of someplace deeper,

943. but I usually have stuff to do.

944. Perrier-Jouët Belle Epoque '95.

945. You mean you want to sleep with me?

946. Marian, you have got to have a good, steamy fuck.

947. - Something I decided

948. last night while I was lying in bed

949. before I started masturbating, and I figure,

950. it's important to me, I should take care of it myself.

951. Especially since, with you,

952. it's got to be with somebody who cares for you.

953. Am I right?

954. Can't just be a finger jiggling your clit and adios.

955. - Thank you. My pleasure. Madame?

956. Yes, please.

957. But is it a good idea for us to have sex?

958. I mean, we're good friends,

959. and maybe it's not supposed to be more than that.

960. Maybe we shouldn't risk ruining it.

961. Look, you can always find reasons to not have sex,

962. and if you think about them too much, guess what.

963. - You never have sex. - Exactly.

964. Like my high school guidance counselor.

965. She was always saying that this or that

966. - would be inappropriate. - Uh-huh.

967. But when I finally got her to relax,

968. the sex was great.

969. Ladies, have we decided?

970. Don't rush us, buddy.

971. First, we'll dance.

972. Maybe I do overthink things.

973. Yeah.

974. Got to keep that brain loose, let that mind fly.

975. There was this one time I was with Debbie Augenblick.

976. Ah, you know Debbie.

977. She's got this humongous dildo she's got mounted

978. on a Black & Decker circular sander,

979. and she had me going like my brains were gonna

980. come out the top of my freaking skull.

981. I mean, I came like the Grand Burlington motherfuck...

982. One accomplishment.

983. Huh? Name me one.

984. At least I'm in the arena dealing with people.

985. Those girls wound you up like a top.

986. Flint, have you ever fucked a woman

987. on a creaky porch swing

988. on a warm summer evening— crickets, so forth?

989. I mean, just fucked her like there's no tomorrow,

990. trousers around your ankles,

991. belt jangling, yelling to beat the band,

992. slamming away like a Cincinnati jackhammer.

993. Yes, people might stroll by

994. and see you looking foolish up there

995. slapping ham on the veranda,

996. but that is the price you pay for interaction.

997. If this is too messy for you, then you will spend

998. the rest of your miserable fucking life

999. just hitting people and then pulling your measly little pud.

1000. Can't wait to tell the chief.

1001. Yeah, and why don't you also tell him

1002. that you're a social fucking imbecile

1003. that I've been carrying on my back

1004. all the way from Philadelphia!

1005. Help.

1006. "Big case."

1007. That woman.

1008. Won't anybody save Curlie?

1009. Wake me in Tallahassee.

1010. Yes, sir.

1011. Honey, we eating soon?

1012. Okay.

1013. Oh. All right.

1014. Jamie?

1015. Waited for you as long as I could.

1016. Jamie, no!

1017. Jamie, why?

1018. Oh, my God.

1019. Marian.

1020. Sir?

1021. - Sir. - Hmm?

1022. Tallahassee, sir.

1023. - Where to, exactly?

1024. Yes, um...

1025. The track.

1026. Dog track? Yes, sir.

1027. Those penises are trouble, Jamie.

1028. Oh, come on now.

1029. I thought you were gonna loosen up.

1030. You gonna work your way through all of them?

1031. No. I like this one.

1032. Oh, come on. Don't be mad.

1033. Last night was beautiful,

1034. but you fell asleep and I didn't get my turn

1035. on the waterslide, if you know what I'm saying.

1036. - Okay! -All right!

1037. Everyone, relax. Stay calm.

1038. We're here for two things.

1039. Careful with that thing, you fucking moron!

1040. - Screw you!

1041. We're here for two items.

1042. Whoa. She's naked.

1043. All right, no big deal. Just a naked lady.

1044. We're here for two items.

1045. Yes, this. Please and thank you.

1046. - And the head box. - Head box!

1047. Fuck you! Don't you fucking lecture me!

1048. All right, ladies. No need to panic. One more time.

1049. Please and thank you. We're all friends here.

1050. Two items. Don't panic. Okay.

1051. Let's get this show on the road.

1052. Yeah, baby.

1053. You're such a big, bouncy, beautiful baby.

1054. Love doesn't have to die, baby.

1055. Whoa.

1056. This is so groovy.

1057. Now I can love you forever.

1058. Whoa.

1059. And ever

1060. and ever and ever

1061. - and ever and ever. - And ever and ever.

1062. Never to wilt, never to wane.

1063. Never to wilt, never to wane.

1064. Never to wilt, never to wane.

1065. Never to wilt, never to wane.

1066. Never to wilt, never to wane.

1067. Never to wilt...

1068. Took 'em straight here.

1069. Haven't debriefed 'em, Chief.

1070. Figured you want to do the talking.

1071. This is all they had?

1072. What's all they had?

1073. Ladies, you're a day late and a dick short.

1074. What are you talking about?

1075. The senator's penis is not in the case!

1076. - Not in the... - Well, that just figures.

1077. Come on, girls.

1078. Where's the last phallus?

1079. You didn't check the case before you left?

1080. I-I...

1081. He's been stepping on his dick the whole way down, Chief.

1082. What have you done, jerk-off?

1083. I got the Spanish guy's head, Einstein!

1084. They gave you the combination,

1085. and it still took you 15 minutes!

1086. I never slip up. Right, left,

1087. - past the first number.

1088. The senator is a good man.

1089. He smoked marijuana once in college.

1090. Many of us did.

1091. - It was a different time.

1092. He went to a party and met a hippie chick,

1093. Tiffany Plaster Caster.

1094. Housekeeping.

1095. She took a plaster cast of his excited...

1096. thing.

1097. She made one model of each of her "old men."

1098. At the time, the senator didn't know that someday

1099. he'd be called on to serve his community, his state,

1100. and perhaps someday, his nation.

1101. He was just a kid.

1102. His penis passed from hand to hand.

1103. Finally ended up with an international collector

1104. named Alejandro Santos y Obrador.

1105. You saw him, sort of.

1106. This penis cannot become a piece of merchandise.

1107. Think of it: eBay,

1108. "Senator Gary Channel's ding-dong, lightly used."

1109. Comments, reviews.

1110. Think of what it would do to him.

1111. His children, his family, his career.

1112. - We're not unreasonable.

1113. We'll gladly pay for it.

1114. We just...

1115. Will you please shut up!

1116. That wasn't my idea!

1117. I was just trying to keep us awake.

1118. I was experimenting.

1119. But you liked it.

1120. No, I didn't! - I could tell.

1121. Hey, it was the Irish coffee. I was drunk!

1122. Drunk on cock.

1123. No! I didn't. - It's not my thing.

1124. I was just trying to help you be a man.

1125. - To understand life. - No!

1126. - The stuff of life! - No, no, no!

1127. God, man, what are you doing?

1128. Mommy.

1129. All right, we have to get back to the hotel

1130. and grab the penis out of the bed.

1131. Then we switch hotels.

1132. You grab the penis. I'll meet you at the hotel.

1133. Okay. The La Lanterna.

1134. I'll check in under the name Abzug.

1135. - Where are you going? - Art store.

1136. Next customer, please.

1137. Shinkleman. Going to Tallahassee.

1138. Don't ask me why.

1139. MAN Committee to Reelect.

1140. I need to speak to the senator.

1141. Well, who should I say is calling?

1142. Someone who has his...

1143. personal effects.

1144. Who is this?

1145. Senator?

1146. Yes. Who is this?

1147. Somebody who wants a million dollars.

1148. If you can get it by tonight, you can have your thing back.

1149. Everybody's things.

1150. I'll tell you where to bring the money. Come alone.

1151. If you're not alone,

1152. believe me, I'll know it.

1153. Someone named Jamie Dobbs

1154. made a phone call from here last night.

1155. Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

1156. Well, this is for her.

1157. Oh, I'm sorry, miss.

1158. You've missed them.

1159. Um, her-her friend just checked them out.

1160. Done.

1161. With what?

1162. Tell you later. I'm gonna clean up.

1163. Want to join me?

1164. Jamie.

1165. I want...

1166. Uh-huh?

1167. I... I-I want...

1168. What do you want, sugar sweet?

1169. I want to make love with the senator's penis.

1170. Who are you?

1171. Democrats.

1172. Mind if we sit down?

1173. Are they all there?

1174. Count 'em.

1175. We didn't deserve this...

1176. this commodification.

1177. These are all good people.

1178. Important people, too, some of them.

1179. There's the head of one of the bigger Fortune 500 companies.

1180. The owner of a large-market football team.

1181. A Supreme Court justice.

1182. You little people titillate yourselves

1183. with something that was never meant for you,

1184. trafficking in other people's attainments.

1185. Senator, save the sanctimony.

1186. And hand over the million smackers.

1187. I used to believe in the unfettered free market.

1188. I don't know.

1189. Whose head, Senator?

1190. Don't get lofty with me, women.

1191. Did we do the wrong thing?

1192. What if he's the next president?

1193. You girls are cute.

1194. My friends and me are having a little basement party later.

1195. You want to join?

1196. Not tonight.

1197. Sukie?

1198. There you are.

1199. So what was that crackhead phone call about?

1200. Wha-What do you mean? How'd you know I'd be here?

1201. How many dyke bars are there in Tallahassee?

1202. What, are you an executive now?

1203. Did they, uh, make you the president

1204. of Little Miss Liar Pants, Inc.?

1205. Oh, this? No, I just, uh...

1206. 'Cause we thought they didn't know where we were,

1207. but somehow they did, and this morning,

1208. they put us in the back of a Toyota Tercel

1209. and took us to the dog track, and I'm sure

1210. they were gonna kill us, but lucky for us,

1211. they had left the most important penis behind.

1212. Well, you've had a full day.

1213. - She's yours now.

1214. Hang on. This doesn't look good.

1215. Motherfucker.

1216. What's she chasing?

1217. Yeah.

1218. We forgot to tell you about

1219. the suave guy's head in the hatbox.

1220. Boy, I think I could win against him.

1221. And now we get to just keep on going.

1222. Who's gonna complain if we keep the car?

1223. Things could not have worked out better.

1224. Well, I guess.

1225. What's wrong?

1226. I am fully aware that the senator is a terrible person,

1227. but I have to admit,

1228. I'll miss his...

1229. No worries, girl.

1230. I made a cast.

1231. And two copies.

1232. Great.

1233. But why two?

1234. For each other.

1235. Ladies, your visitor is here.

1236. Can we get our car?

1237. You know, hers and hers.

1238. Aunt Ellis.

1239. Oh, hello, darling.

1240. - She's your aunt? - Uh-huh.

1241. Uncle John met her in church.

1242. Watch what you say. She's very religious.

1243. So good to see you.

1244. This is my friend Jamie.

1245. Oh, how are you, young lady?

1246. This your first time in Tallahassee?

1247. Yes, ma'am, and what a beautiful city.

1248. - Not like Miami. - Oh, no, no.

1249. Not like Miami.

1250. You able to stay with us long?

1251. No, unfortunately...

1252. Right after birding, we're off to Massachusetts.

1253. - We just decided last night. - Jamie.

1254. Well, what do they have in Massachusetts

1255. that we don't have right here in North Florida?

1256. Women can get married there.

1257. To each other?

1258. Hmm.

1259. Well, that's an innovation.

1260. " by Shannon Shaw)

1261. - Ladies!