Dracula 3000 (2004)

1. Self-destruct sequence initiated. They're out there now!

2. Taunting me, calling me! Self-destruct in ten,

3. nine, eight, seven, I must... resist.

4. Six, five, four,

5. three, two, one.

6. Self-destruct sequence terminated.

7. All systems normal.

8. No!

9. I am Abraham Van Helsing, captain of mother III,

10. a deep space salvage ship.

11. Fourteen days ago, I got a tip from a friend at the confederation

12. that a large cargo ship, the demeter,

13. that a large cargo ship, the demeter,

14. that had been lost for years, had been spotted in the carpathian system.

15. Nothing unusual about that.

16. There are lots of floaters in that system.

17. But what is unusual is that the ship was moving as if it had a heading—

18. Earth.

19. So, if I can get to the demeter

20. before the confederation lays claim to it,

21. the ship and whatever's on it will be ours, free and clear.

22. I just hope that my crew can handle a job this big.

23. This ship is massive, and there are only six of us.

24. This ship is massive, and there are only six of us.

25. This is the smartest guy on the crew.

26. We call him the professor.

27. And we'd be in good hands

28. if he knew half as much as he thinks he does.

29. Mina, our navigator,

30. technically an intern from the academy of intergalactic navigation...

31. So she works for free, which offsets the fact

32. that we spend half our time lost in space.

33. But, hey, you never know what you might find out there.

34. This is Humvee— All brawn, zero brains.

35. Perfect for salvage jobs, heavy salvage jobs

36. perfect for salvage jobs, heavy salvage jobs

37. and heavier salvage jobs and...

38. Well, you get the idea.

39. We call this guy 187.

40. And they tell me 187 was his I.Q.

41. Before he enrolled at Berkeley's satellite campus

42. and started smoking everything in sight.

43. Aurora, my vice captain.

44. Keeps to herself. More than a little abrasive.

45. It's her first time out with a crew like this one,

46. and looking like that doesn't help her cause.

47. But what she lacks in people skills, she more than makes up for in ambition.

48. But what she lacks in people skills, she more than makes up for in ambition.

49. And if we get into a tight spot, I think she'll pull through.

50. Ah, there she is, captain, the demeter.

51. Think we can salvage her?

52. I don't see any problem. She seems pretty intact to me.

53. Any sign of life?

54. Professor.

55. No emb response, no electros, no pulse signal.

56. Nothing calculable, captain.

57. Nothing?

58. Nothing?

59. No.

60. Our tractor beam should be able to bring her up alongside us,

61. and we can access her main loading bay.

62. Take us in nice and easy.

63. You're up, Mina. Get on that ship.

64. Keep moving.

65. Hello?

66. Anybody home?

67. Nothing here, professor. I'm scanning cold.

68. Well, keep moving.

69. Come on. That's not fair.

70. I don't know why I always gotta go first.

71. It's not really what I signed up for.

72. What did you sign up for? I'm a navigator!

73. What did you sign up for? I'm a navigator!

74. I don't know what looking around spooky old ships has to do with navigation.

75. Someone tell me. I'd love to know.

76. Know how many people would love to be in your shoes,

77. working long hours with a bunch of sweaty guys for no money?

78. You don't know how good you got it. Right.

79. Just get your ass on that ship.

80. June 3, 2950.

81. We have experienced engine difficulty

82. and are running at quarter speed.

83. Repairs will be completed

84. repairs will be completed

85. as soon as the first and second engineer get over...

86. I won't say, um, epidemic,

87. but at least half of the crew is now afflicted.

88. I have implemented strict quarantine procedures

89. and confined myself to quarters.

90. Mina?

91. Mina, don't leave us in the dark. What's going on?

92. What's going on, little sister?

93. Mina, come in.

94. Would you sort out her comms. There's nothing wrong with her comms.

95. Something's up with her heart monitor. It's taking off.

96. Something's up with her heart monitor. It's taking off.

97. Rate's ascending past 80.

98. Past 90.

99. 100. 110.

100. 120. 135.

101. Shit. This is disconcerting.

102. No!

103. You okay, little girl? Humvee. Let me go.

104. You gonna behave?

105. Let go!

106. What's up, little girl?

107. I thought I saw something.

108. I took a wrong turn and... I got disoriented.

109. You got lost. How you gonna get lost with a damn scanner?

110. Hummer?

111. Yeah, boss?

112. Daddy's little girl, she's okay. She claims she got lost.

113. Is she okay?

114. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry.

115. Hummer, is she okay?

116. Hummer, is she okay?

117. Yeah, she's all right.

118. She's still the same little shameless little ho she's always been, though.

119. I want you to check the O2 levels. Yeah, cap.

120. It's 87%. Sweeter than home.

121. Eighty-seven? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

122. As sure as my package is bigger than yours.

123. You want to come down here and find out for yourself?

124. Okay, I know how sure you are about your package.

125. Go environmental.

126. Go environmental.

127. You got it. You first.

128. Up yours.

129. All right. We'll do this job together.

130. On three, okay?

131. One, two...

132. Three!

133. Whoa! That smell!

134. Humvee?

135. What's going on, Humvee?

136. Captain, Humvee's down!

137. Captain, Humvee's down!

138. Don't panic. Try to help him.

139. Humvee?

140. Humvee.

141. Humvee—

142. Animal!

143. Ech! Your life will be changed for the better now.

144. Once you go black, you never go back.

145. Mina, what's going on? Hey, cap'n, she's okay.

146. We're just getting a little face time with miss-da-Mina.

147. Well, cut it out.

148. Well, cut it out.

149. Damn, I'm never gonna get no action on this damn ship.

150. Hey, cap, the air's a-OK, daddy-o.

151. Okay, we're comin' in.

152. You okay?

153. Some mouthwash would be nice.

154. Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?

155. Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?

156. Okay, cap.

157. Off-world transporter, captain. Silvestri, mark 4.

158. I'd say she's about 50 years old.

159. Fifty years? Oh, at least.

160. Better get out of here. Think she's still got juice in her?

161. Perhaps. There's only one way to find out.

162. Where's the fission room? That way.

163. Let's see if we can get this tub runnin'. Where the fuck is 187?

164. I'm not nobody's baby-sitter.

165. June 5, 2950.

166. The situation couldn't be worse.

167. Engines are down,

168. and we're adrift, still in the carpathian galaxy.

169. The comm system is only... half working.

170. We can only receive

171. incoming messages.

172. Our distress signals are not being transmitted.

173. Our distress signals are not being transmitted.

174. We seem to be losing complete control

175. of the functions of the ship.

176. Half of the crew have been overcome by...

177. It's unlike...

178. Anything I have seen.

179. Ooh!

180. 187!

181. Get your rinky ass down here now!

182. Hey, I ain't kidding, 187.

183. Get your butt down here!

184. All right, captain buzzkill.

185. All right, captain buzzkill.

186. Hang ten, dude.

187. Surf's up!

188. Hydroponically speaking, of course.

189. Ah! Uh, o-over there.

190. Sh-shine your torch over there.

191. Ah, there it is, sir.

192. Central control unit.

193. Uh, hello?

194. Aren't we forgetting something?

195. Thanks.

196. Humvee, Aurora, take a look around.

197. Yo, captain! Dude!

198. You better come have a look at this.

199. Stay with the professor.

200. You two, come with me.

201. Cap, I thought you said we could... Hey, Hummer?

202. Cap, I thought you said we could... Hey, Hummer?

203. Yes, boss?

204. I put up with your shit because you're big, black and...

205. Ugly. Here we go again.

206. I'd love it if you'd just learn to take an order and shut the fuck up.

207. Mina.

208. June 9,

209. or 10.

210. I doubt it matters.

211. We are a ghost ship.

212. Communications,

213. navigation,

214. weapons, even the hand phasers,

215. are dysfunctional!

216. Only the basic life support system

217. have remained unaffected.

218. We are alive,

219. but powerless.

220. The crew is beyond ill,

221. beyond human.

222. I have ordered the few of us left unaffected

223. to remain quarantined in our quarters.

224. Think you can fix it? Mm-hmm.

225. Don't. What?

226. Don't. Pretend you can't.

227. Don't. Pretend you can't.

228. Why would I not want to get this thing humming and validate myself once again

229. with amazing feats of my advanced intelligence?

230. So we can get out of here, onto mother where we belong.

231. Come on. The smell alone.

232. I've got a bad feeling about this ship.

233. Feelings will get you into trouble, Mina.

234. As a mentor to you, I have to impress upon you

235. that you should rely as solely as possible on your intellect.

236. Trust your feelings, and you'll worry.

237. Trust your feelings, and you'll worry.

238. Trust your head, and you'll be fine. Now, look around.

239. This is a spaceship, not a forest.

240. No snakes here. Nothing's gonna bite you.

241. What have we got here?

242. Whoa! What happened to him?

243. Whoa! What happened to him?

244. Human jerky. I wonder, is it spicy...

245. don't touch it!

246. Why?

247. It's one of your ex-boyfriends, huh?

248. Yeah, we know how much you like it stiff.

249. You guys are so funny, I just don't know what to do with myself.

250. This is a crime scene. We shouldn't touch anything.

251. We're still under new world jurisdiction, and the law is the law.

252. We're still under new world jurisdiction, and the law is the law.

253. Who died and made you sheriff of this damn town?

254. Hey, Humvee, I'm second in command,

255. and you are just a member of my posse.

256. Guys. Captain, I don't need this shit...

257. If you're gonna be a captain in the future,

258. you're gonna have to learn to have a little Patience with the men.

259. Guys. Hey, guys!

260. What? Captain,

261. there's something weird about this dude's bindings, man.

262. I mean, it's like he tied himself to the chair.

263. I mean, it's like he tied himself to the chair.

264. What would make him do that? Dude, how should I know?

265. I don't know what type shit they was into back in 2953.

266. What's that?

267. Ah!

268. A metal plus sign.

269. Okay, this dude was into mathematics.

270. That explains everything!

271. You need so much help.

272. It's a crucifix.

273. I thought they banned those 200 years ago, man.

274. I thought they banned those 200 years ago, man.

275. Yeah, but that didn't mean everybody gave it up.

276. He probably felt like he needed god's help.

277. Supposedly, I had a granduncle who believed in god,

278. but... I can't say I ever met anybody who did.

279. Right on time, professor.

280. What do we do with leatherface here?

281. Bag him? You know what?

282. Bag him? You know what?

283. I-if you look at him in a certain way,

284. doesn't he remind you of interstellar union president Baker?

285. We're gonna do what Aurora says— play it by the book, take him back to earth.

286. But, captain... Then we're gonna let the off world boys take a look at him

287. and give him his long overdue burial.

288. Captain, I'm gonna have to insist

289. that we check this corpse for illegal substances.

290. Get the hell out of here. But...

291. Now!

292. There but by god's grace... go I.

293. Hey, who's god?

294. Nobody.

295. I hear them...

296. Beyond my door at night.

297. I can't bear to say what I suspect.

298. I have no control over navigation,

299. but...

300. Something is moving us

301. toward earth.

302. Does she have the juice to get us home?

303. Mm-hmm.

304. Good. It'll be faster if we tow mother.

305. That's why I'm doing my thing here, captain.

306. That's why I'm doing my thing here, captain.

307. How much do you think she's worth?

308. Hard to say.

309. I don't know. Maybe fifteen?

310. Ooh. Fifteen?

311. Million.

312. Dude! Do you know how much hydroponic platinum I could buy with my share?

313. Wait a minute.

314. Yes?

315. Although it's not technically illegal,

316. we really shouldn't tow this back to earth until we've found out what's gone on here.

317. We really shouldn't tow this back to earth until we've found out what's gone on here.

318. The safest thing to do is to leave it,

319. report it to the proper authorities and let them check it out

320. before we bring this ship back in contact with our own planet.

321. Woman, are you crazy? And lose 15 million credits?

322. Woman, are you insane?

323. Raise your hand if you want to talk next time.

324. And what if we don't even make it back to earth?

325. It doesn't matter if it's 50, a hundred, a billion,

326. it doesn't matter if it's 50, a hundred, a billion,

327. if we're not alive to spend it.

328. Little rich girl talking again, huh?

329. Your ass ain't never been hungry, and we're not gonna pass up this kind of cheese.

330. What happened to the crew?

331. I mean, these ships just don't fly by themselves.

332. For your information, dude, we did find somebody. You did?

333. A dead somebody, and we don't know what happened to him.

334. Whatever happened here is long over and done with.

335. We can't just leave her here for another salvage crew.

336. We can't just leave her here for another salvage crew.

337. Captain's damn straight! Yeah.

338. It doesn't add up in my book, is all I'm saying.

339. Well, don't worry about it. The captain must have kept a vidlog,

340. and I'm sure that'll shine some light on what happened here.

341. Sure. Yeah.

342. Why don't you two do a little recon, see if you can find anything else worth something.

343. Hey, maybe we can find something to smoke.

344. Come on, Hummer. Let's go.

345. After you.

346. We should check the cargo bay. Man, what for?

347. Fifty years ago, before dope was legal,

348. they used to smuggle it across the solar systems in ships like this.

349. So you can get shit that you can't buy over the counter now.

350. Dope wasn't regulated. Man, you're high enough now.

351. Ain't no such thing. You know I'm like a weightlifter when it comes to my smoke.

352. Ain't no such thing. You know I'm like a weightlifter when it comes to my smoke.

353. All right.

354. If you was lifting a hundred kilos a day,

355. and it's you're first day at the gymnopod doing ten reps,

356. you're going to be sore and you won't be able to move. Mm-hmm.

357. But imagine lifting that same hundred kilos

358. every day for five years.

359. Then it's like you ain't lifting a damn thing.

360. Man, you've been smoking a hundred kilos a day for five years.

361. You understand what I'm saying?

362. Not quite that much, but you get the idea, dude.

363. Not quite that much, but you get the idea, dude.

364. Man, come on! Finish the patrol.

365. I got to get my weight up. Come on.

366. Oh, that's strange.

367. What?

368. It's reading like a separation sequence

369. was initiated from on board mother.

370. What the fuck's going on?

371. Talk to me, professor.

372. It's reading a separation sequence, captain.

373. Well, stop it.

374. I should be able to prevent disengagement here from the host vehicle.

375. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.

376. I fucking told you guys!

377. Oh, my god, it's not working. It's not...

378. Oh, my god, it's not working. It's not...

379. It's not working, damn it.

380. Come on. Come on.

381. Five...

382. Four..

383. Three...

384. Two... one.

385. Lost her, captain.

386. Diseaged from mother.

387. Explain to me what just happened.

388. I don't know. I-it wasn't me.

389. Well, fix it. Fix this tub, or we're all fucked.

390. I'll go find that vidlog and see if there's anything on it that can help us.

391. If all else fails, we'll send out a distress signal.

392. I don't know if that's going to work.

393. It's like all wave transmission devices have been scrambled,

394. preventing any outgoing signals here.

395. Well, unscramble it.

396. No. If I die, this is definitely going down as the worst summer job I've ever had.

397. No. If I die, this is definitely going down as the worst summer job I've ever had.

398. Whoa, dude.

399. Psychedelic.

400. Man, it's nothing but a bitch. That's what it is.

401. We find this big-ass salvage.

402. Instead of there being some gold on this ship,

403. instead of there being some gold on this ship,

404. there's nothing but some dead bodies.

405. Relax, bro. No, you relax.

406. Man, this ship ain't nothing but a big-ass hearse. That's what this is.

407. Man, what you doin'?

408. Man, I ain't got no time to play around. Let's go.

409. Tranquilize, dude.

410. Tranquilize, dude.

411. One dead body's enough for today, okay?

412. Bro, this is how they used to smuggle shit back in the day.

413. Might find something.

414. Bro, this is how they used to carry dead bodies back in the day.

415. Ah! Ah! Ah!

416. I cut my hand.

417. That's what your ass get.

418. Damn it.

419. Damn, that's pretty deep.

420. Looks pretty bad.

421. Let's see what we got here.

422. Sand. Ain't nothin' but some damn sand.

423. Think it's worth something?

424. Man, sand ain't worth nothin'.

425. Let's try another one. You do it.

426. Let's try another one. You do it.

427. Come on, man. I cut my hand. Come on, man. Look.

428. You want me to open one? Yeah. Here.

429. I don't need that.

430. You want to open one? Well, let's open one.

431. This is how I open it.

432. You wanna snort some of this?

433. Just 'cause you don't treasure a mind-bending substance the way I do

434. doesn't give you the right to make fun of my lifestyle.

435. Man, shut the hell up.

436. Man, shut the hell up.

437. What exactly are you two doing?

438. Nothin'.

439. Doesn't look like nothing to me.

440. How about showing some respect for the dead?

441. Save your rhetoric, okay?

442. The professor needs you.

443. I'll be there in a second. Now.

444. I said, a second.

445. Are you coming?

446. Nah, I'm gonna stay here and open a couple more of these.

447. There's got to be something here. I can't believe there's not.

448. There's got to be something here. I can't believe there's not.

449. I'm out of here. Whatever, dude.

450. Sweet Jesus.

451. May 30, 2950.

452. We departed transylvania station last night at 2200 hours,

453. and not one moment too soon.

454. Transylvania?

455. Where the fuck is transylvania?

456. The morale of the crew seemed to sink minute by minute.

457. But for double the usual credits,

458. we could not turn down the last cargo run.

459. We could not turn down the last cargo run.

460. Why the urgent need to remove these remains

461. to the carpathian galaxy, I do not know.

462. Diplomatic problems with the locals, perhaps.

463. What's going on? I don't know.

464. Come on.

465. What the hell was that?

466. I'll be right back.

467. Hey! Don't leave me here!

468. Hey! Don't leave me here!

469. Don't leave me here!

470. 187!

471. What happened? What happened, bro?

472. He, he, he...

473. He what?

474. What is it?

475. He, he, he...

476. He what?

477. He...

478. He's out.

479. Hummer, get him outta here.

480. I'll, uh... I'll have to set the leg.

481. The only way to do that is to straighten it.

482. Hummer, you're gonna have to this manually.

483. Leave it to the big black guy, huh? Just do it.

484. Cap, I can't do this.

485. Well, there's no other way.

486. Well, there's no other way.

487. No, thank you.

488. He could lose his leg here. It's just gonna have to happen.

489. It will just be two of you wheelchair wheelie-poppin' test tube babies on the crew.

490. And, cap, I can live with that.

491. I'll do it.

492. Hold him down.

493. You do it yourself, wonder woman.

494. Thanks.

495. No sweat.

496. Hey.

497. How's his leg?

498. His leg is going to be fine...

499. His leg is going to be fine...

500. Excuse me. Captain, you're needed in the rec room.

501. What were you two talking about?

502. Nothing.

503. I saw you. Nothing, okay?

504. Listen, if there's something wrong, we have the right to know.

505. Listen, if there's something wrong, we have the right to know.

506. Don't worry about it.

507. You wanted to see me?

508. Have a look at his neck.

509. What are they?

510. Well, they aren't flea bites, but they are bites.

511. Bites?

512. The puncture wounds are definitely teeth.

513. Teeth?

514. Incisors, big ones.

515. Are you sure?

516. Someone... bit him?

517. Something.

518. I never said the teeth were... human.

519. I never said the teeth were... human.

520. Hey...

521. Going somewhere, wheelie boy?

522. See you on the flip side.

523. See you on the flip side.

524. Bleah!

525. Oh, I'm sorry.

526. Did you hit me?

527. You're going to have to do a whole lot better than that, cap'n.

528. Ah-ah-ah.

529. Radical!

530. Hey! Shit-for-brains!

531. Don't move.

532. I said, don't move!

533. Aurora.

534. Baby. It's so nice to see you.

535. Did I ever tell you how many times I'd see you

536. and want to ejaculate all over your bazongas?

537. Or of the times I stayed up late,

538. high as a kite in a nongravitational atmosphere,

539. while I stroked my anaconda

540. while I stroked my anaconda

541. and dreamed about your...

542. Snow white ass?

543. Take one more step, and I'll blow your anaconda

544. all over the ceiling.

545. One.

546. Bet ya that pussy's sweeter than a honey bun.

547. Two.

548. When I'm through, I'm gonna pass you to the crew.

549. Three!

550. Three!

551. You might as well get down on your knees.

552. Four, you're gonna end up dead on the floor.

553. Shoot him, Aurora!

554. Five!

555. Ain't none of y'all bitches gettin' outta here alive!

556. Oh, for god's sake, Aurora, shoot him.

557. For god's sakes, Aurora, shoot him!

558. Shoot him!

559. Shoot him!

560. Wanna see what a real man tastes like? Oh, shit.

561. What the hell's going on? I heard some shooting.

562. 187 went ballistic.

563. He was out cold! He tried to kill us.

564. He was out cold! He tried to kill us.

565. He's after Aurora. He wants to kill her.

566. But I believe he wants to titty-fuck her first.

567. This is so wrong. Let's go.

568. left somewhere.

569. Master,

570. you have summoned me?

571. Arise, my son.

572. What is it you want of your humble

573. and loyal servant?

574. You wish to please me?

575. Yes.

576. Your wish...

577. Is my command.

578. Kill them.

579. Kill them all.

580. Gladly.

581. Gladly.

582. Gladly!

583. Hey, cap, I can't believe 187's doing this, man.

584. He's always been my homie.

585. Well, your homie tried to rip my throat out.

586. Hey, cap, he ain't never been violent. I ain't messin' with you.

587. That dude got a heart of gold. I remember when we was kids...

588. Humvee. Yeah, cap?

589. Remember that "shutting the hell up" thing we talked about earlier?

590. Yeah. Why don't you try doing that now.

591. Yeah. Why don't you try doing that now.

592. Whatever helps you sleep, cap'n.

593. Whatever helps you sleep.

594. Good evening, my dear.

595. Who are you?

596. You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen.

597. So soft,

598. yet so...

599. Firm.

600. Who are you?

601. What do you want?

602. Darkness.

603. Infinite... darkness.

604. But what I want

605. and what I need are...

606. Worlds... apart.

607. What I need...

608. Is blood.

609. Is blood.

610. I'm fine. Just keep watch at the door.

611. This needs stitches. You're gonna get an infection.

612. I'll take my chances. Now, pick up a weapon and man the door.

613. Please. Whatever.

614. Whatever.

615. See? Nothing.

616. See? Nothing.

617. Mina!

618. Leave her alone!

619. Leave her alone!

620. Leave her alone! Leave her alone!

621. Oh.

622. He got Mina.

623. You okay?

624. Wait here.

625. But...

626. Oh, bollocks.

627. Stop firing! It's me!

628. Aurora? I didn't know it was your ass.

629. So, have you seen 187?

630. No,

631. but I saw him.

632. So you did see him?

633. No,

634. him.

635. Professor!

636. Oh.

637. Captain.

638. Oh, sorry, I...

639. I know.

640. Okay. Tell us about him.

641. Who?

642. We got company.

643. His name is orlock.

644. Count orlock of transylvania.

645. Transylvania?

646. That's where this ship comes from.

647. How do you know that? I found the vidlog.

648. What else was on it? I don't know.

649. What else was on it? I don't know.

650. I started watching it when all the entertainment started.

651. Go on.

652. Transylvania is a planet in the remote carpathian system.

653. It's, um...

654. It's a planet of vampires.

655. Vampires?

656. So what the hell is a vampire?

657. It's sort of like a man,

658. only far more evil, if you can imagine that.

659. You believe that shit?

660. You believe that shit?

661. His planet is dead.

662. And according to him, there is nothing left. It's a wasteland.

663. He is the last one of his kind. How did he get on this ship?

664. He paid to have the ship pick up a bunch of coffins, I guess,

665. and he was in one of them.

666. And... what does he want?

667. Dinner.

668. What? We woke him up, and he's hungry.

669. And... he wants to eat... us?

670. He needs blood. Our blood?

671. He needs blood. Our blood?

672. That's how he survives. He lives on blood.

673. And with what happened to 187,

674. I believe that whoever he bites will become a vampire, too.

675. This vampire dude, he's a brother?

676. No, Humvee, he is not a black man.

677. Well, excuse me for sayin',

678. all this bloodsucking stuff, that's some white people shit, right?

679. I'm going back to the mother, and I'm going home.

680. Uh, Humvee, that... That could be a problem.

681. Uh, Humvee, that... That could be a problem.

682. Mother's gone.

683. Excuse me?

684. She took off on her own... Actually, he did that.

685. So you're telling me I'm trapped on this ship

686. with a bloodsucking vampire?

687. Get this tub up and running.

688. We gotta find a way to stay alive. And you...

689. What the fuck are you doing? Back off, cap!

690. How do you know all this information? He told me.

691. Why is that? I don't know.

692. Why is that? I don't know.

693. Why, Aurora? I don't know!

694. Hey, cap, you need to back down, or I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass.

695. Don't be stupid, Humvee.

696. Look at what happened to 187.

697. How come nothing happened to her?

698. Yeah, Aurora, why nothing did happen to you?

699. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not his taste.

700. Stop lying!

701. Hey! Get off me! Hey, cap, ain't no time to get fresh, man!

702. I was looking for bite marks. 187 had bite marks on his neck.

703. I was looking for bite marks. 187 had bite marks on his neck.

704. Captain, we have to get back to the main deck if I'm to get this thing started.

705. Tie her up. No, I don't think...

706. Then don't! I've heard enough from you already.

707. Let's go.

708. This is ridiculous.

709. Get your hands up there.

710. Stop!

711. There's something there. I saw something, captain.

712. What?

713. I don't know.

714. Well, I did. Honest, captain, I did.

715. You saw I didn't have any bite marks,

716. and you're gonna need all the help you can get.

717. Maybe you didn't get bit on your neck. Maybe you got bit someplace else.

718. Well, then untie me,

719. and you can take off my clothes and look me over.

720. Now I know you're playin' tricks on me.

721. You're not going to want me all tied up when he comes a-callin'.

722. I'm trying to help you.

723. I'm looking out for you, Humvee.

724. And you don't want a chance to see me naked?

725. And you don't want a chance to see me naked?

726. My mama didn't raise no fool, girl.

727. I know as soon as I let you up, you gonna be all vampire on my black ass.

728. And since I didn't get bit,

729. you'll be the one who got the chance to investigate

730. every inch of me for no good reason whatsoever.

731. I think it's worth the risk. Don't you?

732. You're just wasting your breath.

733. It's going in one ear, out the other.

734. There's nothing wrong with me!

735. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

736. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

737. The...

738. Fission reactor's nearly three-quarters full.

739. That's good. And in working order.

740. Now, if I can just get

741. the protonic ignition activated

742. the protonic ignition activated

743. and the hyperspeed sequence rerouted,

744. I should be able to...

745. I'm the man, Van Helsing. Tell me I'm the man.

746. You're the man. Now tell me why you're the man.

747. I can fly this thing.

748. You're the man.

749. Let's plot a course.

750. What's the closest place you can get us to?

751. The kesselring system.

752. Make it so.

753. Aye, aye, captain.

754. I think we're moving.

755. The legless wonder came through for the team.

756. Now, that's what I'm talking about.

757. Score one for hope.

758. I have to go to the bathroom.

759. I have to go to the bathroom.

760. Yeah, sure, like I'm gonna fall for that one.

761. Humvee, I have to go to the bathroom. I really do.

762. Well, then go.

763. Don't be such a moron.

764. All right. Let's see what we can dig up on vampires.

765. Uh, valium,

766. uh, valium,

767. valkyries...

768. Ah, vampires. Contact.

769. What do ya got?

770. There's a plethora of information here, captain. Good.

771. What do you want to know? How to kill 'em.

772. Ah, of course.

773. Whoa. Take a look at this, captain.

774. "Dracula.

775. "Count Dracula,

776. "count Dracula,

777. "otherwise known as...

778. Orlock."

779. Aurora's friend.

780. That's impossible.

781. You... he wants you.

782. You're in here. What?

783. "Doctor Van Helsing. Born 1847.

784. Vampire killer."

785. Vampire killer?

786. The chances of your lineage matching up in this history

787. the chances of your lineage matching up in this history

788. are far too astronomical to contemplate.

789. There's got to be a connection.

790. That's crazy.

791. Van Helsing could be

792. your great-great-, many times great, grandfather.

793. This could be a revenge situation.

794. He could be killing us just to get to you. Calm down.

795. He's going to kill us, captain. Calm down.

796. It's just a coincidence.

797. Coincidence?

798. Yeah, a coincidence.

799. Find me a way to kill this son of a bitch.

800. Aye, aye, captain.

801. Let me in.

802. Please let me in.

803. 187?

804. Hummer, you gotta help me, bro.

805. Let me in, please!

806. Humvee, please, man! I don't feel so good.

807. Are you crazy? He's lying!

808. You gotta help me, bro. He's gonna kill me.

809. Humvee, no.

810. Come on, Hummer. You know how they treat us brothers.

811. Dude, they don't care about us.

812. But we said we'd always stick together, right?

813. Please, Hummer. I'm gonna die if you don't help me.

814. No, Humvee! No! He's lying to you.

815. Don't.

816. Don't do it.

817. Don't do it.

818. To hell with you.

819. No!

820. Whoa, dude.

821. Suddenly I feel... brand-new.

822. Ain't that a bummer, Hummer?

823. Humvee!

824. Captain!

825. Keep working.

826. What about me?

827. What about me?

828. Bugger.

829. You done pissed me off, fool.

830. Dude, I cannot believe

831. you fell for the "we brothers got to stick together" routine.

832. You fell for the "we brothers got to stick together" routine.

833. You know, that's been the downfall of many a black man.

834. Shut your little punk ass up!

835. Scared, homie? Please!

836. See?

837. If you had stayed and helped me try to find me some smoke,

838. this might not be happening.

839. Bitch, you need some professional help, man, for your habit,

840. and I'm just the big dog gonna give it to you.

841. And I'm just the big dog gonna give it to you.

842. 187.

843. I ain't playing with you no more, 187!

844. Do I have to spell it out to you guys?

845. You cannot kill 187!

846. Stop...

847. Wasting...

848. Bullets!

849. I don't believe this shit.

850. It's like you idiots don't want to listen.

851. I...

852. Am a vampire,

853. and ain't nobody bad like me.

854. Whoo-oh!

855. I feel... fucking invincible!

856. The high I get from being a vampire

857. is even better than where I got to go with that comptonian weed we in...

858. Is even better than where I got to go with that comptonian weed we in...

859. Comptonia, asshole.

860. Yeah, yeah.

861. You remember that, bro.

862. We were high for days,

863. swimming in comptonian ass,

864. boning so many hos,

865. my nuts were swollen for a week.

866. Here.

867. Try that shit... again.

868. You are really beginning to annoy me,

869. and I never did like you, Van Helsing.

870. You always condescended to me, man,

871. as if because, you know, I was a little more laid back than you.

872. You were on a higher intellectual plane,

873. and I was never full of that shit!

874. A pool stick.

875. Un-fucking-believable.

876. Sorry, bro. I told you I wasn't playing.

877. Excuse me.

878. I hate to interrupt, but could you please untie me now?

879. Give me one good reason.

880. Because he didn't bite me... anywhere.

881. Because he didn't bite me... anywhere.

882. You can look for yourself.

883. She already tried that one on me before. Been there, done that.

884. Uhh, please.

885. You still haven't explained to me

886. why, when he had his chance,

887. he didn't bite you.

888. You stay put.

889. Okay.

890. Fine.

891. You win.

892. I'm listening.

893. I'm not what you think I am.

894. Okay, what are you?

895. I'm a proteus 4.

896. What did you just say?

897. I work for the nwc.

898. You're a narc?

899. You've been under surveillance for the last three moon cycles.

900. You've been under surveillance for the last three moon cycles.

901. You... and your crew.

902. Man, this just gets better and better.

903. She's a snooper-bot.

904. What's up with you? What's so damn funny?

905. Untie her. What?

906. Are you losing your head, man? That's nwc.

907. She's a narc, man. She's 5-0.

908. That's why she was pointing out the laws in every damn town.

909. No, I should walk over here and put a bullet in your hard drive!

910. That's what I should do! Lose the attitude.

911. That's what I should do! Lose the attitude.

912. When we let her up, she's gonna try and take us down.

913. Yeah, and she's probably our best weapon against this orlock.

914. What are you talkin' about?

915. He doesn't want her, Hummer.

916. Why the fuck not?

917. Because she's a robot.

918. He wants blood. She's got no blood, remember?

919. You better be right on this.

920. You could have at least told me you were an automatic.

921. Would it have made any difference?

922. I'm watching you.

923. Damn.

924. Damn.

925. Oh!

926. Almost got your butt killed, fool!

927. Sorry.

928. Pick him up.

929. Uh, what happened?

930. Where's 187?

931. He's dead. Dead?

932. How?

933. A pool cue.

934. Pool cue?

935. Yeah, man.

936. Yeah, man.

937. I had to drive a pool cue through his heart.

938. Of course, a pool cue. It's wooden, right?

939. According to ancient folklore, there are a few methods

940. by which to disenable these vampires. Like?

941. Driving a wooden stake through their heart is apparently very effective.

942. Yeah.

943. But it has to be organic wood,

944. not this synthetic wood product they're passing off as real these days.

945. And it must be through the heart.

946. A pool cue? Precisely.

947. 2950, they were still using organic wood for cues.

948. 2950, they were still using organic wood for cues.

949. And? Hm?

950. You said there were other ways. Crucifixes.

951. They don't like crucifixes.

952. That thing that was in the dead captain's hand? The plus sign?

953. Exactly.

954. But what they really hate is sunlight.

955. You mean we can tan this bitch to death?

956. In layman's terms, abso-bloody-lutely.

957. If they're exposed to constant sunlight,

958. they'll go up in a ball of flame and ash— boom.

959. End of story. In case you haven't noticed, we're in deep space.

960. End of story. In case you haven't noticed, we're in deep space.

961. Not much sun. Mm-hmm.

962. Not true.

963. We could turn this thing around, head straight for halbron,

964. slingshot off her rings... Twin suns. She's right. Turn this tub around right now.

965. What are we gonna do till we reach the sun?

966. Find us some more pool cues.

967. Right.

968. Ugh.

969. That's disgusting.

970. I don't get it.

971. What? Why'd you do that?

972. Do what? React like that to a dead body.

973. I thought you things were programmed to be emotionless.

974. I've done exactly what I've been programmed to do.

975. Let's just look for those pool cues.

976. Let's just look for those pool cues.

977. Fine.

978. Hey! I found one.

979. Now there's two.

980. How long before we reach the sun?

981. Approximately 13 hours.

982. I hate the number 13. Can't you make this thing go any faster?

983. I can't. Metal fatigue.

984. If we push this old girl any harder, she'll bleed fuel and die.

985. Like you and I will, if you don't make this thing go faster.

986. I'm trying. All right? I'm trying. Try harder.

987. I bet you he's hiding in one of these coffins.

988. No, thanks. I don't gamble,

989. except with my choice of lovers lately.

990. I thought we agreed it was going to be casual, nothing serious.

991. I thought we agreed it was going to be casual, nothing serious.

992. Oh, did you think I was serious?

993. You know, for a computer, you sure are bitchy.

994. It's all in the programming, baby.

995. I'd like to get a hold of your programmer.

996. When I get it open, stab him in the heart.

997. Like you know where that is. Just do it.

998. Okay.

999. Okay, move on to the next.

1000. Next one.

1001. We're going to die before we get to the twin suns, aren't we?

1002. Maybe you won't.

1003. I mean, you can run.

1004. Sooner or later, the time's gonna come,

1005. and... a wheel's gonna get caught,

1006. or I'll fall out of my chair again.

1007. Mina?

1008. Do it.

1009. Get Humvee.

1010. No, I don't want to leave... Go!

1011. No, I don't want to leave... Go!

1012. What are you waiting for? I'm a Van Helsing.

1013. Van Helsing?

1014. That's right.

1015. I come from a long line of vampire killers.

1016. Your ancestors were vampire killers.

1017. Your ancestors were vampire killers.

1018. You, on the other hand,

1019. are destined for far greater things, my boy.

1020. Namely, dinner.

1021. You're going to have to do better than that.

1022. For more than a thousand years,

1023. my kind have burned in shame for the vampires slain at the hands of your namesake.

1024. I alone have waited here for centuries,

1025. sensing, knowing

1026. you were destined to come.

1027. And now that you're finally here...

1028. And now that you're finally here...

1029. Open this hatch! Let me in!

1030. Van Helsing is in trouble. He needs your help!

1031. I ain't falling for that shit twice.

1032. What if it's true?

1033. Open this door, you idiots!

1034. Go away!

1035. Go away!

1036. Listen to me! Van Helsing needs your help now!

1037. Well, you go help him!

1038. Humvee, come on!

1039. Nobody's home.

1040. Damn it.

1041. We're all going to die.

1042. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1043. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1044. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1045. Shut the hell up, now!

1046. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1047. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1048. We're all going to die. We're all doing to... Where're you going?

1049. I'd rather face that vampire than listen to your sorry ass.

1050. I'd rather face that vampire than listen to your sorry ass.

1051. Wait!

1052. Oh. We're all going to die.

1053. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1054. Aurora?

1055. Humvee.

1056. Where is he?

1057. Cargo bay seven.

1058. Humvee? Humvee, where are you?

1059. Humvee?

1060. We're all going to die. We're all going to die.

1061. Humvee. Humvee?

1062. Oh, my god. Oh...

1063. Why die?

1064. Why die?

1065. Please...

1066. Please don't kill me.

1067. Kill you?

1068. I'm not going to kill you.

1069. Take my hand...

1070. And walk with me...

1071. For all eternity.

1072. Walk?

1073. That's right.

1074. Come with me,

1075. come with me,

1076. and I'll set you free.

1077. Come, my boy.

1078. Come.

1079. Stand up.

1080. Help me. Oh, my god.

1081. Help me. Captain!

1082. Take it easy, man. Try not to speak.

1083. Captain, hang in there.

1084. Try to be still. Don't move.

1085. Cap.

1086. He... wants... you!

1087. Humvee? Pin the bitch!

1088. Where that other freak at? Let's not stick around and find out.

1089. Stop.

1090. What is it?

1091. You wait here. No way.

1092. He doesn't want your blood.

1093. He's still scary.

1094. I hear you.

1095. Professor.

1096. Professor?

1097. Don't.

1098. What the hell?

1099. How did you know?

1100. I didn't.

1101. Orlock.

1102. I'll pull! Harder!

1103. Harder, Humvee! Pull!

1104. Pull!

1105. If I told you once, woman, I've told you twice.

1106. Always put out the "do not disturb" sign.

1107. Women.

1108. Now what?

1109. Once we reach sunlight,

1110. we're gonna veer away where we won't get no meltdown.

1111. Can you fly this thing? No.

1112. I thought you could do everything?

1113. I was programmed for human emotion.

1114. That doesn't mean I'm the bionic woman, you know.

1115. Any ideas? I just asked you that.

1116. Damn, I should have went to flight school. Yeah.

1117. There is one good thing, though.

1118. What's that? We may not be going back to earth, but neither is orlock.

1119. That's real talk.

1120. That's real talk.

1121. So, how long?

1122. How long for what? Till we reach the sun.

1123. Twelve hours.

1124. Humvee? Mm-hmm.

1125. Did I ever tell you that... Tell me what?

1126. I wasn't always a narc, you know.

1127. You weren't? Mm-mm.

1128. Not until they "upgraded" my program.

1129. Not until they "upgraded" my program.

1130. Upgraded your program?

1131. Before that, I was a proteus 3.2, p.B.

1132. P.B.?

1133. Pleasure-bot.

1134. I've heard of those.

1135. I ain't never had enough credits.

1136. Well, then, what're you waiting for?

1137. You've only got a couple of hours till the end of your world,

1138. and I'm off the clock.

1139. Bingo! Must be the front row.

1140. Ain't gotta tell me twice. Come on, girl.

1141. Ain't gotta tell me twice. Come on, girl.

1142. My obligation has become greater than the safety of the ship.

1143. My obligation has become greater than the safety of the ship.

1144. I see now that I must sacrifice the demeter,

1145. and myself,

1146. to prevent this terror from reaching earth.

1147. And that's what I'm talkin' about.