Down to Earth (2001)

1. - Hey, there, little Becky. Hey, Tiger. - Hi, Jimmy.

2. Hi, Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross. How are you?

3. Deliveries in the back.

4. Excuse me?

5. You heard me. Deliveries in the back.

6. Why do you think I'm a messenger?

7. No, no, no, really. Why do you just assume I'm a messenger?

8. Is it impossible for me to have a friend that lives here?

9. Would that be out of the question?

10. To have an old college chum that lives upstairs

11. that I'm comin' by to see, just to talk about old times?

12. To have a little cocoa?

13. Would that upset you?

14. What's wrong? I can't have no cocoa?

15. I don't look like I like cocoa?

16. What's wrong with me just comin' here tryin' to have some cocoa?

17. I'm sorry, sir. I just, I...

18. Who did you come here to see?

19. Nobody. Delivery for Charles Wellington.

20. Deliveries in the back.

21. - Look out! Look out! - What's up, man?

22. Welcome to amateur night at the Apollo.

23. Y'all ready for a show?

24. There's no way.

25. We're part of the same place.

26. We're part of the same time.

27. We both have the same blood.

28. Please stop!

29. We both have the same mind.

30. And time and time.

31. We've had so much to share.

32. No, no, no, no

33. I'm not wakin' up tomorrow mornin'

34. And findin' that there's nobody there.

35. No, no, no, ho way.

36. No, no, no, ho way.

37. And you and you and you.

38. You're gonna love me.

39. Oh, yes, you are.

40. Thank you.

41. Peace.

42. I'm out of here.

43. Let's hear it, Apollo, for Phil Quon.

44. - Congratulations, you killed. - Thanks, Booey.

45. Phil Quon. Show your love, Apollo.

46. They're not gonna boo me off, right, Whit?

47. Hey, did I say that?

48. I mean, come on, anything could happen.

49. Yeah, anything could happen, like, they invent a new boo that's silent.

50. What? What? What are you looking at?

51. This girl I met at the Shark Bar last night. I told her to come down.

52. Damn, she's skinny. Two of y'all have sex, you just might start a fire.

53. All right, our next act is coming to the stage. He's a comedian.

54. How about a hand for Mr. Lance Barton?

55. Hey, what is that? What's with the hat?

56. What, you don't like the hat?

57. You look like you're gonna tie somebody to the railroad tracks.

58. Whitney, I need style.

59. Nobody wants to see Lance Barton, bike messenger from Bed-Stuy.

60. People want to see Lance Barton, comedian.

61. - What people? - Lance Barton people.

62. Lance Barton, everybody.

63. Come on.

64. - No boos. - No boos.

65. - Here comes, Booey. - Let's get ready.

66. Lance Barton, everybody.

67. Don't touch me, man.

68. Hey, what's up, Apollo?

69. Where'd you get that hat, man?

70. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

71. So...

72. How come every time a airplane crash,

73. all they can ever find is the black box?

74. Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the black box?

75. Yeah.

76. I got roaches. Who here got roaches?

77. Everybody got roaches, man. It's Harlem.

78. Yeah. Yeah, everybody got roaches.

79. Yeah, man.

80. I got some roaches in my house, man.

81. Roaches so big, one roach got drafted in the second round.

82. Get your ass offstage, Booey. That shit ain't funny.

83. Yeah.

84. Hey, you suck!

85. Come on. Hold it together.

86. I know this girl so ugly, she had to wear makeup on the radio.

87. Boo!

88. No!

89. Hey, please!

90. Wait!

91. You out there with a new hat. You need a new act.

92. Well, if I'm so unfunny, I mean, how come you're still my manager?

93. Lance, you're funny offstage.

94. - But onstage, you're... - I'm what?

95. You're afraid.

96. See, you're afraid of being yourself, and they can tell.

97. Hey, kid, don't listen to the crowd.

98. You're one funny man. Phil Quon says so.

99. Thanks a lot.

100. Two more Rheingolds for my man Booey.

101. Well, you'd be afraid, too

102. if every time you played the Apollo, they booed you off the stage.

103. Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore.

104. They shuttin' down the Apollo.

105. - Get out of here. - Yeah, they just told me.

106. They're building a multiplex or quadruplex, or some kind of plex.

107. And they're gonna do a farewell show with five slots for amateurs. That's it.

108. Whitney, you've got to get me one of those slots.

109. Lance, come on, man. Just let it go.

110. You try someplace else.

111. I don't wanna try someplace else.

112. As long as I'm Booey at the Apollo, I'm Booey everywhere.

113. Where you goin'?

114. I'm goin' to the Comic Strip to work on my material.

115. Get me that audition, Whitney.

116. Later, Booey.

117. Okay, Lance, where are you?

118. Right on time.

119. I gotta work on my set. I gotta get my jokes together.

120. I gotta go back to the Apollo and not get booed.

121. I gotta work on my act. I gotta...

122. Oh, my God!

123. I hate this job.

124. Anybody get that license number?

125. Where the hell am I?

126. We've been waiting for an eternity here.

127. What?

128. - This ain't the Comic Strip. - Take it easy, people.

129. You'll be dead a long time. You don't have to push.

130. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

131. Bob Krantz, heart attack.

132. Yeah.

133. Sid and Ethel Bugler. Our tour bus crashed.

134. Yep.

135. I'm Tina Lovette.

136. - Mike said he'd put me on the list. - Yep.

137. - All right. Go ahead. - Thanks.

138. Tell Mike to stop putting girls on the list.

139. Lance! Lance Barton!

140. - What is this place? - This is Heaven.

141. Heaven. I've had this dream before.

142. Is Pac in there? Yo, tell Pac I'm here.

143. Hey, hey. I said no. Go to Hell.

144. Mr. Barton?

145. - Where are you going? - I gotta wake up. I got an audition.

146. Now let me explain. You're not dreaming.

147. Excuse me. Do you know where the A train is?

148. Mr. Barton?

149. - Mr. Barton, here's the thing... - Keyes, what's the problem?

150. Mr. King. No problem, sir. I have everything under control.

151. Mr. Barton here was having a great time.

152. No, actually, I'm trying to wake myself up.

153. Well, I hate to break it to you, chum, but you're not dreaming.

154. You're dead. Capisce?

155. I'm not dead.

156. Lance, come here.

157. What you're feeling right now is totally normal.

158. For most people, dying is a real shock to the system.

159. But, baby, it's gonna get better.

160. It's Heaven, baby. The food is great, the women are beautiful,

161. and the music, Lance, the music is hot.

162. Yes, sir, the fun never stops.

163. That's great, but I'm not dead.

164. Look, I got an audition coming up that I know I'm gonna make.

165. So you guys can just fix whatever mistake you made and get me home.

166. Serge.

167. Could you check the list and see when Mr. Barton is arriving?

168. Barton. Barton, Barton, Barton...

169. Due November 17th, 2044, 6:30 a.m. Eastern standard time.

170. 20447?

171. You know, you could've just given me the year.

172. Leave a brother a little doubt.

173. I took him one-tenth of a second before the truck hit.

174. I mean, he couldn't have made it.

175. What am I gonna do with you?

176. First, you make Frank Sinatra wait for a table.

177. He didn't have a jacket.

178. He's Frank Sinatra! He can wear whatever he wants!

179. - You killed me! You killed me! - Hey! Hey!

180. - You killed me! You killed me! - Hey! Hey! Come on.

181. Now, Mr. King has been in charge up here for quite some time.

182. I don't think there's anything he can't handle.

183. So, you guys can fix this, right?

184. Lance, look, I pride myself on being a straight shooter.

185. If a guy's lived a bad life, I don't mince words.

186. I tell them to go to Hell, literally.

187. You, on the other hand, I like you.

188. You're what you call... You're very...

189. You're very...

190. Very, what's the word? Very...

191. - Funny? - No. You're spunky.

192. - Spunky? What the... - Spunky.

193. So here's the story.

194. Your body's gone.

195. But, I spoke to my boss.

196. - You talked to God? - Yeah.

197. What we can do for you is put you in somebody else's body

198. as long as no one knows he's dead yet, okay?

199. Wait a minute.

200. How am I supposed to do my act in somebody else's body?

201. Lance, look, this is all part of some, like, grand plan.

202. - Really? - Yeah, sure.

203. Anyway, come on. Let's go find you a body.

204. This one's kind of like a fixer-upper.

205. I don't think so.

206. All right, how about this one?

207. He's physically fit. He's got nice pecs.

208. Big's not funny.

209. Nobody wants to laugh at a guy who could whip their ass.

210. Hey, it's your call.

211. - Hey, Joey. - Hello.

212. Hey, Joey, help me. I can't...

213. He's perfect.

214. Picky, picky. Really picky.

215. Man! Who lives here?

216. Charles Wellington, the 15th richest man in America.

217. He owns sporting teams, cable companies,

218. health insurance companies, you name it.

219. Just finished building this high-tech luxury penthouse

220. controlled by supercomputers.

221. So, if I don't like the body, can I keep the crib?

222. Wait a... How'd you do that?

223. I'm a friggin' angel. I can do whatever I want.

224. - What is it? - Cocktails, madam.

225. Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

226. Thank you, Wanda.

227. It's my pleasure, Mrs. Wellington.

228. - Is that the guy? - No.

229. That's Winston Sklar, Wellington's private secretary.

230. They're waiting for Wellington's body to be discovered.

231. What are you talking about?

232. - They're trying to kill him. - What?

233. We gotta do something!

234. Thank you, Wanda.

235. "Thank you, Wanda." Who the hell she thinks she is?

236. The frigid, stuck-up bitch!

237. If you really want to thank me,

238. get that cheap-ass husband of yours to pay me a decent wage.

239. One more face-lift, that bitch gonna be fartin' out her nose.

240. Why haven't they found him yet?

241. I'm a murderer. I'm a dirty murderer. I should be punished.

242. Punish me.

243. I'll punish you.

244. Lance.

245. Call the cops. Call the cops. Call the cops.

246. - I was on vacation and that Wellington... - Call the cops.

247. Flew me in from North Carolina

248. - to change the channel on the TV. - Call the police.

249. Call the cops. Call the cops.

250. 911.911.

251. You're damn right I was mad!

252. I had tickets to go see the O'Jays.

253. Where's the phone? Where's the phone?

254. No can do, Lance.

255. The phone company doesn't provide service to dead people.

256. You wanna make a call, get a body.

257. Well, find me another body.

258. I don't want anything to do with these freaks.

259. You're doing your job, but I am here to see Mr. Wellington,

260. and I'm not leaving until I see him.

261. Well, allow me to speak to Mr. Wellington.

262. Yes, you do your job and let him know that I'm here.

263. - Mr. Sklar, sir? - Yeah, Cisco?

264. It's Miss Jenkins again, sir. She insists on seeing Mr. Wellington.

265. I'm sorry to bust in like this. Well, actually I'm not.

266. That's her. That's the girl.

267. Hey, remember me?

268. On the bike.

269. Run over?

270. No, that's all right, Miss Jenkins. So, what can we do for you?

271. Well, I just wanted to say that I think that you should be arrested.

272. Holy crap.

273. What you're planning to do to the Brooklyn Community Hospital

274. is downright criminal.

275. So you mean that...

276. You kind of throw those words around like that, "arrested." It kind of hit me.

277. That really.

278. I don't think there's anything funny about this.

279. I work at the Brooklyn Community Hospital.

280. And it's the only public health facility in the area,

281. and your company just bought it.

282. I know that hospital. My uncle went there for a new liver.

283. They sent his ass to the supermarket.

284. If this hospital goes private,

285. the people who depend on us, they won't have any place to turn.

286. That's awful. Well, I think you should take that up with Mr. Wellington

287. at his business office.

288. I've tried that. I've been there at least 20 times.

289. I've made 200 phone calls, and Mr. Wellington seems to never be in.

290. So I decided to visit him at his home.

291. Well, he's unavailable, I guarantee you.

292. If he's unavailable now, I'll just wait here until he is available.

293. I'm afraid you can't.

294. Yes, I can.

295. Would you like to call the police and have me arrested?

296. I'm sure the press'll be interested in the story.

297. - No. - No, no, no.

298. - Let's don't... Let's don't even... - I thought so.

299. Hey, King, if I take this Wellington guy's body,

300. could I help her out?

301. You got the hots for her, huh?

302. You tryin' to sell me a body, right?

303. Well, let's see it.

304. Okay.

305. Would you stop it?

306. This ain't Star Trek. I'm used to walking.

307. Lance Barton, Charles Wellington.

308. Mr. Wellington, please, don't get up.

309. Damn, he's dead!

310. Yep. Nice bathtub.

311. So if I take his body, I'm gonna look like that, right?

312. Well, I can't go to the Apollo in that body.

313. How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?

314. Come on, he looks funny to me.

315. I already get booed.

316. Do I really need to get beat down on top of it?

317. So you wanna meet the girl, you gotta take the body.

318. Any moment someone'll discover it, and it'll be too late.

319. Well, does it have to be for good?

320. Could I just be him while you find me a better body?

321. You mean, take the body on loan?

322. Well, you know normally, I have a problem with that,

323. but since we screwed up...

324. It's a deal.

325. Mr. Wellington, there's a Miss Sontee Jenkins here to see you.

326. Still bathing, are we?

327. We don't want our fingers to go all pruney.

328. Hey, it worked!

329. What?

330. - You weren't sure it would work? - Relax, I read the manual.

331. Hey, I still look like me.

332. - You are you. - I thought you said I was Wellington.

333. - You are Wellington. - Well, thanks for clearin' that up.

334. Look, Lance, to everyone else,

335. you look like Wellington, you sound like Wellington,

336. you even smell like Wellington.

337. But you see yourself.

338. Simple, huh?

339. Mr. Wellington, is everything all right?

340. Go ahead. You can answer. Go ahead.

341. Everything is cool.

342. Not too cool, I hope.

343. No, everything is all right.

344. Now, when I go out there,

345. they're gonna see Wellington, not some brother in his clothes.

346. 'Cause I don't feel like gettin' shot today.

347. - You'll be all right. - All right.

348. So, you the butler?

349. Yes, sir. Me the butler.

350. So you do all the butler in' around here.

351. Yes, indeed, sir.

352. Whose butler are you?

353. Your butler, sir.

354. You're my butler.

355. Don't cheat on me, now.

356. If I see you butler in' for somebody else, I'm gonna kill him.

357. And who am I?

358. You, sir?

359. You, Mr. Wellington?

360. Who am I?

361. Mr. Wellington.

362. You're damn right I'm Wellington. Yes! I got a body!

363. I got a body! I got a body!

364. You certainly have.

365. Would you care to get dressed now, sir?

366. Go ahead, Lance, take that corpse for a spin.

367. So where does he keep... Where do I keep my clothes?

368. In the closet, sir.

369. I'm goin' to the closet. I got a body! I got a body! Let's go to the closet!

370. Let's do this! Peace out!

371. Yeah, I'm Wellington!

372. I'm Wellington, I'm Wellington.

373. - Good morning, Mr. Wellington. - Yeah.

374. You better recognize.

375. I know who you are, you cheap bastard.

376. Tiger Woods, y'all. Tiger Woods, y'all.

377. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger Woods, y'all.

378. Hey, Tiger Woods, y'all.

379. - Hi, darling. - I'll deal with you two later.

380. How ya doin'? I'm Charles Wellington, the 15th richest man in America.

381. I know who you are.

382. Would you guys give us some privacy?

383. Yeah. Yeah.

384. You know, that looks uncomfortable. Could I help you out?

385. No, I don't need your help.

386. You have been avoiding me for weeks,

387. and you're gonna listen to exactly what I have to say.

388. - Me? - I am talking about

389. people's lives here, Mr. Wellington.

390. Sick people, poor people.

391. The kind of people you care nothing about.

392. Hey, but I'm just...

393. These people are going to be in desperate trouble

394. if you sell them out from the only place they can go when they need help.

395. See you later, Lance. I'll get Keyes workin' on a new body.

396. - Good luck. - Hey, but...

397. But nothing!

398. Do you know that we are the only county hospital in that part of Brooklyn?

399. And you chose there of all places

400. to privatize and kick sick, broke people out on their behinds.

401. What kind of man are you?

402. It sounds like I'm an asshole.

403. You think this is a joke, don't you?

404. No, no, I do not think this is a joke. This is a joke.

405. A prostitute and a card dealer go...

406. - Forget. Forget it. - Well, you know what?

407. I know all about your board of directors meeting on Monday.

408. Really?

409. The one that's closed to the public.

410. I'm glad you told me.

411. Now I gotta get a haircut and maybe buy some gators.

412. And you better get real serious by then, 'cause I'm gonna be there.

413. And I'm gonna bring every television camera,

414. every news reporter, every microphone I can find.

415. Fine, we'll make a party of it.

416. I bring some friends, you bring some friends.

417. We'll get some chips and dip, a deejay.

418. And we, you know, we get on this hospital thing.

419. This meeting is over, Mr. Wellington. Good-bye.

420. Hey, I'm serious.

421. I'm not joking. I'm... I...

422. Is something wrong?

423. I lost the keys to the handcuffs.

424. Didn't your mama tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?

425. Okay, okay. You know what? I'm just playin' with you.

426. I'm gonna look for the key.

427. It's not up there.

428. It's not there.

429. There it is.

430. Nope. Roach.

431. There you go. Got it.

432. You know what I got right here?

433. I got your freedom.

434. I'm just playin'. Let me get it.

435. Don't worry. Gotcha.

436. See? Everything's all right.

437. Thank you, bastard.

438. I was just playin'.

439. I don't know what happened.

440. I put the pills in his drink. I saw him drink it.

441. I'll tell you what happened. Ya blew it! You ruined us!

442. You... You idiot!

443. You incompetent moron!

444. - You bitch. - You retard.

445. - You rich bitch. - Yeah.

446. You fat, old bitch.

447. Now we're talkin'.

448. - Oh, God. - Oh, yeah.

449. Honey, I'm home.

450. You want to put a little English right on the top

451. I just want to say that I know y'all tried to kill me.

452. Darling, that's ridiculous.

453. From what I hear, I'm kind of an asshole.

454. So I figure we're even.

455. I was an asshole, y'all tried to kill me.

456. Don't know what you're talkin' about.

457. Come on. I know you tried to kill me.

458. So, let's just move on.

459. I mean, we're adults. So what if you tried to kill me.

460. But we're never gonna have a good relationship until you admit it.

461. Okay, we tried to kill you.

462. Gotcha! Police! Police, here they are!

463. Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

464. I'm just playin'. I'm not gonna tell anybody.

465. But I do need a favor from you.

466. Do you know how to get in touch with Sontee Jenkins?

467. No, but we can find out. Should I call our usual problem solvers?

468. Maybe if they pay a little visit to her home, she'll change her tune.

469. We could kill her dog.

470. Does she have a dog? We could get her a dog. We could kill it.

471. Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee Jenkins.

472. I want to ask her out on a date.

473. Charles!

474. Oh, don't "Oh, Charles" me.

475. You were gettin' ready to have sex on the pool table.

476. You've got an eight ball in your ass.

477. Now, there's where you're wrong.

478. We were just... It was... This isn't level, and we were trying to...

479. Do me a favor. Keep waxin' that ass. Keep her off mine.

480. Waxing it? What does that mean?

481. How do you get this thing to change channels?

482. How do you get MTV?

483. Showtime.

484. Playboy.

485. Hey!

486. - BET. - Not available.

487. Descending to staff level.

488. Let me tell you, baking soda'll get that right out.

489. Does any TV in this house get BET?

490. BET, Mr. Wellington?

491. You know, BET, Black Entertainment Television.

492. No, I know what BET is.

493. You wanna watch BET?

494. Yeah.

495. The TV in the staff lounge gets BET, Mr. Wellington.

496. Would you guys mind if I went and watched some TV?

497. Not at all, Mr. Wellington. This is your house.

498. Enjoy it.

499. Thanks a lot.

500. Take care.

501. Thank you, Mr. Wellington, you jungle fever havin' bastard.

502. What, it's not enough he bosses my ass around upstairs?

503. Now he got to come down here and watch my little TV.

504. I tell you what, if he asks me to change the channel,

505. I'm gonna cut his ass.

506. Wanda?

507. Yes, Mr. Wellington?

508. You don't like me, do you?

509. No, I like you just fine, sir.

510. She can't stand your ass. You should hear her all the time.

511. "I hate Wellington. Boy, I hope he drops dead."

512. "Wellington stupido."

513. "Wellington cheapo. Wellington assholo."

514. Sir, it's just disrespectful.

515. I understand, really. If I was you, I would hate me, too.

516. I tell you what I'm gonna do.

517. Startin' next week, both of you get a 200% raise.

518. Are you happy?

519. I'm ecstatic.

520. Good. Take care.

521. I'll believe that bullshit when I see my check.

522. All right. Here we go now. Here we go.

523. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

524. For Christ's sake. You gotta hit that. It's a wide-open three.

525. Come in.

526. Mr. Wellington, sir.

527. Anything I can do for you? I didn't hear the bell.

528. Is there anybody else in here?

529. I don't believe so, sir, no.

530. You're not from England, are you?

531. Of course I am, sir. I'm from London.

532. I was born in Fulham, sir. A stone's throw from the river Thames.

533. My father was a gentleman's gentleman, and I am a gentleman's gentleman.

534. I was right outside the door. I heard you.

535. I know what you do. You put on this fake accent.

536. Just to make the rich folks feel comfortable.

537. Pretty good scam.

538. So where are you really from?

539. I'm from Scarsdale.

540. Holy crap! Am I fired?

541. No, you're not fired. Mind if I watch BET?

542. Certainly, sir. Would you like me to change the channel?

543. Drop the accent. "Would you like me to change the..."

544. Just be yourself.

545. Okay, do you... Do you want a beer?

546. You know what? Let me get it. You worked all day.

547. You got any Rheingolds?

548. Okay, and the excitement is building as the second amateur spot

549. for the final Apollo show has been awarded to

550. comedian Joe Guy from Brooklyn.

551. And now stay tuned for the Brian McKnight-a-thon.

552. Where you goin', sir?

553. I gotta go work on my material. Where's the nearest subway?

554. You wanna take the car?

555. What's up, Snoop?

556. It's kind of hard being Snoop D-O-double-G.

557. Keep comin' up with funky ass shit.

558. Like every single day.

559. What's up, museum?

560. Sippin' on gin and juice.

561. Laid back.

562. With my mind on my money And my money on my mind.

563. Come on! Yeah!

564. Sippin' on gin and juice.

565. Here it comes!

566. With my mind on my money And my money on my mind.

567. Put up your "W."

568. Are you ready for more comedy?

569. All right. Our next act, you've seen him on TV.

570. You've read about him in the paper.

571. He just won a spot on the last night of the Apollo.

572. Give it up for Joe Guy!

573. What's up, brother?

574. Look at this place. It lookin' fine, boy!

575. Got some fine lookin' sisters in the house. Except for you, girl.

576. - You sure this is such a great idea? - God damn, you is ugly.

577. This place does seem a little...

578. A little what?

579. It's a little dark in here.

580. Relax.

581. These are my people.

582. And there is no more America. There's no more little towns.

583. No, no, no. You know what all it is? Malls. The whole country is malls.

584. And every town's got two malls. Every town's got two malls.

585. That's right. They got the white mall... And the mall white people used to go to.

586. That's right. 'Cause there ain't nothin' in the black mall.

587. They don't got nothin' in the black mall but sneakers and baby clothes.

588. I guess that's all we doin', runnin' and screwin'.

589. And white people will abandon a mall. That's right.

590. White people like their black

591. the same way they like their seasoning, just a dash.

592. You go to a white mall, it's all nice. Everything.

593. The stores are all nice. You got personal shoppers.

594. You go to a black mall and people say, "Can I help you with the cheap shit?"

595. White people get some money, keep it. Stay rich. Kids get rich.

596. Black people get some money,

597. it's the countdown to "When this brother gonna go broke?"

598. That's right. White people die and leave a will.

599. Brother die and leave a bill.

600. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine.

601. Hi, it's Sontee. Leave me a message. I'll call you back.

602. Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington here.

603. The bastard. Remember me?

604. Anyway, it was cool havin' you break into my house the other day,

605. and I was just wonderin' if we can get together

606. and get somethin' to eat. You know, catch a movie or somethin'.

607. Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington here. Hope you like the flowers.

608. All right. Give me a call.

609. Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington again. You haven't called me.

610. You know, I was just wonderin' if we can get together and catch a movie,

611. maybe a play, somethin'.

612. Are you there?

613. Are you screening this call?

614. Okay, I guess you're not there.

615. Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington.

616. Are you there? I know you're there! I know you're there!

617. Pick up the phone! I know you're there!

618. Hey, just playin'.

619. Just playin'.

620. All right. Give me a call, okay?

621. Good mornin'.

622. Did you know your answering machine is broken?

623. No, it's not broken, but it is full.

624. Would you stop calling me?

625. - What are you doin' here? - I was just in the neighborhood.

626. Oh, you were in Brooklyn.

627. What were you doin', shuttin' down some old folks' homes?

628. Come on, don't be so mean. I thought maybe we could get in the Rolls

629. and go by the Four Seasons, have a little brunch,

630. just discuss this whole hospital thing.

631. So you're trying to impress me with the car and the money.

632. You think I'm some video ho?

633. Look, I really don't care what you have, okay?

634. If you want to impress me, do it at the board meeting on Monday.

635. But I thought maybe we could spend some time together.

636. Why don't you spend a little time and do something positive with your money?

637. That was brutal.

638. You got a nice touch with the ladies, Lance.

639. I can't get a girl in this body, and I definitely can't get any laughs.

640. - Have you found me anything yet? - I'm workin' on it.

641. I was just in Havana. You want one?

642. No, I don't want one.

643. What I want from you is a body that works.

644. I want a body, and I want it now!

645. What, are you gettin' tough with me? I'm a friggin' angel.

646. You don't want to be in Heaven, you don't like it here.

647. There is a third option, you know.

648. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just need a body.

649. You know what? There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight.

650. Somebody's gonna die.

651. Hey, don't forget about me. Go to the rap concert.

652. It's over between you and me.

653. - I can't do this anymore. - Let's just get out of here.

654. We could take the plane. We could go someplace he'll never find us.

655. Chechnya, East Timor. It'll be fun.

656. No, I can't.

657. I mean, after all, he is my husband, and I love him.

658. And I'm gonna do whatever I can to get him back.

659. You bitch. You scheming, double-crossing bitch.

660. That's sweet, Winston, but it's too late.

661. We cannot allow Wellco to take over!

662. I just think this is an extremely bad time to be making a personal appearance.

663. Look, I've been lookin' into this hospital thing.

664. You have?

665. Yeah. And I think Sontee Jenkins had a point

666. Chuck, Chuck... Let's just handle this the usual way, okay?

667. You do the strong, silent thing. I'll field all the questions.

668. I'm the velvet glove. You're the iron fist.

669. I mean, I won't let you down.

670. - We can't have that. - You can't do that!

671. And there's one man that's responsible for all this,

672. Charles Wellington.

673. You're a bad man!

674. Get out of here!

675. Leave our hospital alone!

676. Scumbag!

677. White oppressor!

678. Mr. Wellington, now that you own Brooklyn Community Hospital,

679. are you gonna be sending those without health insurance

680. to public facilities outside their own community?

681. Yeah, asshole!

682. No, no, no. Mr. Wellington doesn't really have time

683. to answer any questions right now.

684. You know what, let me address that. I don't care what you got.

685. Cancer, rickets, polio, swine flu, the clap, dandruff...

686. - What else you got? - Lyme disease.

687. Lyme disease, lemon disease. It don't matter. We'll take you.

688. Liar!

689. Won't take you.

690. Mr. Wellington, is the...

691. Thank you. Thank you all.

692. Well, here they are, Mr. Wellington,

693. the faces that you were too much of a coward to confront.

694. So what do you have to say to them?

695. Hey, what's up, wheelie?

696. Crutchie crutch, how you doin', man?

697. Hey, big I.V.

698. Save me a sip. I want a sip, now.

699. I know what's wrong with you.

700. Your breath is destroying the environment.

701. Why don't you tell them, that you don't care about them?

702. And while you're at it,

703. how come you locked the staff and the press out of this meeting?

704. - Yeah! - You know what?

705. I must've been out of my mind. Was I takin' ecstasy that day?

706. We goin' in there.

707. Sklar, grab a stretcher. We're goin' in.

708. - All right! - Everybody.

709. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll.

710. If you got crutches, then crutch your ass in there.

711. We are goin' in. Come on, big I.V. Let's do this.

712. Sorry, brother.

713. Can we get some more juice for big I.V.?

714. Hey, guys, I brought us some friends from the media.

715. So if anybody is not where they're supposed to be

716. or with somebody they're not supposed to be with

717. or got a little crust in their eyes, you might want to get up right now.

718. You can't bring news cameras into the boardroom.

719. No, this is not a good idea, Charles.

720. Hey, relax. We got nothing to hide.

721. If there's not enough seats, you can just sit on somebody's lap.

722. Unless the person next to you don't got a lap.

723. So, what's up?

724. Mr. Wellington, at your hospital in Kentucky,

725. a teenager with a bullet wound to his head was sent to another hospital

726. 15 miles away, dying en route.

727. Hey. Hospitals don't kill people. People kill people.

728. What kind of cold-ass shit is that?

729. We can't be sendin' people out with bullet wounds to their head.

730. That's somethin' you definitely have to take serious.

731. From now on, we got a new slogan. "Shot in the head, you get a bed," okay?

732. "If your head is bloody, we're your buddy."

733. I want bullet wounds in this place to be treated like cash.

734. Accepted everywhere.

735. But not without adequate insurance.

736. "Not without adequate insurance." Is insurance really adequate?

737. When you pay for insurance, do you feel assured?

738. They shouldn't even call it insurance. They should just call it "in case shit."

739. I give a company some money in case shit happens.

740. Now, if shit don't happen, shouldn't I get my money back?

741. Wouldn't that be fair?

742. I mean, if I had known y'all was gonna keep the money,

743. I would've got in an accident.

744. And if you're gonna take my money,

745. at least spend the money on some poor, sick people.

746. Don't take my money and buy a Mercedes-Benz,

747. and park it in front of Brooklyn Hospital

748. when all these broke people gotta walk by it.

749. I just got off the B44 bus,

750. and I got to look at your Mercedes-Benz?

751. I should just stab the tire!

752. And why do doctors cost so much? Do you know? Shut the hell up!

753. It's like doctors chargin' all this money for a triple bypass surgery.

754. Triple bypass surgery gonna charge somebody $100,000,

755. and then got the nerve to say, "Take it easy."

756. Shit, I gotta go get a job right now drivin' another cab or somethin'.

757. Just to pay off the damn doctor!

758. From now on, we have to be different.

759. Let's see how it feels to not be the evil corporation anymore.

760. Let's try takin' in people bleedin' with bullet wounds to the head.

761. Let's just try it for a change.

762. I mean, we tried the other way. We made a lot of money.

763. We got paid. We got laid.

764. And so what if we lose a few million dollars?

765. Now, a lot of y'all look pretty pissed off.

766. Look like y'all want to get froggy.

767. Well, come on!

768. What you gonna do? You see this foot? You see this foot?

769. It's from a little town called "rich man's ass,"

770. and it's gettin' homesick.

771. You guys have been great. You've been a lovely audience.

772. I want to thank y'all for showin' up.

773. Drive home safely. Tip your waitresses. I gots to go. Take care.

774. Thanks a lot.

775. - Thank you. - Mr. Wellington?

776. Pardon me. Nice shirt.

777. Hey, Chuck.

778. Look, I feel like I haven't been tending to your needs,

779. but I wanna make it up to you.

780. I know your biggest fantasy has always been a ménage a trois

781. and you've always had a thing for Blanche from the club.

782. Hi, Chuck.

783. How'd you like to come over here and taste me?

784. Sir, the handcuff lady's here.

785. Sontee?

786. Mr. Wellington.

787. Descending from second floor.

788. You know what? Just call me Lance.

789. I thought your name was Charles.

790. Yeah, but Charles is short for Lance. Charles is a maiden name.

791. Okay, Lance.

792. I just came to say I'm sorry.

793. I mean, I know I said a lot of bad things about you,

794. but you kept brushing me off.

795. But if you meant all those things you said at the board meeting,

796. it was so great.

797. Are you hungry? I'm sorry to jump in, but are you hungry?

798. You gotta be hungry. I mean, you've been workin' all day.

799. I know you were out there marchin', and you got your picket sign,

800. and Al Sharpton's there, and he ate all the food.

801. - You wanna get somethin' to eat? - No. I don't think I should.

802. Come on. I'm not tryin' to impress you.

803. I swear, I am not tryin' to impress you.

804. I just want to feed you.

805. That's all. We don't even have to drive.

806. We can walk. We can skip. You wanna skip to a meal?

807. I guess I am hungry.

808. So, come on. Let's go.

809. What's the matter? You don't like this place?

810. - No, I am just surprised. - What?

811. I didn't always have money. It wasn't like I was born rich.

812. Yeah, right.

813. You know how you visit people in the hospital?

814. I used to go to store windows and visit clothes I had on layaway.

815. "Used to?" I was just visiting a pair of shoes last week.

816. I remember this one time,

817. I put a coat on layaway in, I don't know, September.

818. So, I figured I'd get it out in the winter.

819. Money got low. Couldn't get the damn thing out till June.

820. So, what'd you do? Wait till next winter to wear it?

821. For a coat I just paid for?

822. Please! I wore that coat the whole summer.

823. July 4th, I was on the beach with a goose down and a pair of shorts.

824. - Stop playing. - I'm not playing.

825. Sweating. Just drown... Just dripping sweat, slipping.

826. To this day when I wanna lose some weight, I just put on a hot coat...

827. Stop, drop.

828. Shut 'em down open up shop.

829. Oh, no.

830. That's how Ruff Ryders roll.

831. Niggas wanna try.

832. Niggas wanna lie.

833. Then niggas wonder why.

834. Niggas wanna die.

835. All I feel is pain.

836. All I feel is rain.

837. What?

838. What?

839. What?

840. What?

841. What?

842. What?

843. - Yo, dog! - What?

844. What?

845. - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

846. - Hey! - Have you lost your mind?

847. I forgot who I was.

848. You forgot who you were.

849. I just like the song. DMX. Ruff Ryders.

850. What if I was singing,

851. "Whities wanna die, whities can't try?"

852. You might get a record deal.

853. You know, I don't believe you. You're somethin' else.

854. I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect this.

855. There's something about your eyes.

856. When I look at you, it's like I see somebody else inside you.

857. You know, even when I was trying to be mad at you,

858. I just can't help but see something else.

859. - Sounds crazy, huh? - No, it's...

860. It's not crazy.

861. It's... It's not crazy.

862. - Some date, huh? - Date?

863. I thought you were just trying to feed me.

864. I was till I got my ass whooped.

865. That guy punched me like I owed him child support.

866. Well, that was different than what I thought it would be.

867. Different good or different weird?

868. It was a little bit of both, I think.

869. I guess you just didn't seem like my type.

870. Not your type. So, what's your type look like?

871. It's not all about looks. I mean, you don't have to be fine or anything.

872. I just kind of like a guy with all of his teeth.

873. Well, that's a good rule. That's a good rule.

874. I like a slim guy. A guy with a goatee.

875. Nice eyes. And he's gotta be funny.

876. I guess I don't have a chance.

877. What's your type?

878. My type? I like my women same way I like my coffee.

879. Puerto Rican.

880. - Just playing. Just playing. - You watch it.

881. Oh, boy, here we are.

882. So, can I call you?

883. Well, let me ask you something.

884. All that stuff you were saying at the hospital,

885. were you just trying to get with me?

886. At first, yeah.

887. Yeah, that's all I could think about.

888. But then I remembered what you said.

889. "Do something positive with your money."

890. So, I figure, you know, I'm in this body,

891. I might as well help.

892. I mean, if I get with you, great.

893. But if not, at least somebody'll be happy.

894. You know what? I'd better go.

895. Yeah. I guess I better be going, too.

896. Yeah. I wonder who the Knicks played.

897. I think they played the Lakers or somebody.

898. I'm sorry.

899. I'm sorry. Was I wrong?

900. No, it's... I knew you were gonna try to kiss me tonight

901. and I thought I'd be mad,

902. but I'm not. It's...

903. It's something about your eyes.

904. You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence.

905. It's always like,

906. "Yeah, tomorrow I'm gonna go to the zoo,"

907. "because I got this whole thing with orangutans"

908. "and I just..."

909. Or it could be like,

910. "Did you hear about that new war in Russia?"

911. "I heard they were gonna..."

912. So, I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.

913. No nasty talk or anything. Unless that's what you're into.

914. Then, hey!

915. Good night.

916. Yes! Yes!

917. Yes! Yes! Yes!

918. My bab y! My b ab -Yesl!

919. Yes! Yes!

920. Yes, yes!

921. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

922. Yes! Yes!

923. Get off my foot, bitch!

924. - Okay, let's go. - Hey! Don't sneak up on me like that.

925. - What are you, the Great Gazoo? - Sorry.

926. Hi. How are you? Nice night. I got a new body for you.

927. You know what? I don't need the body anymore.

928. This one's just fine.

929. Mr. Barton, we have about one minute

930. to get you into this truly fabulous corpse.

931. Hey, I'm cool with Wellington.

932. You know why? 'Cause Sontee's cool with Wellington.

933. Look, I just waited through OI' Dirty Bastard,

934. Mystikal and Silkk the Shocker for you.

935. Keeping this body is not an option,

936. regardless of whether you're smitten with some girl.

937. It's not some girl. It's the girl.

938. I mean, you got Heaven, but you don't got this, man.

939. I mean, she's fine. She's smart.

940. We like all the same stuff. We hate all the same stuff.

941. She laughs at my stupid jokes.

942. And I don't have to censor myself around her.

943. But you know what?

944. She only knows me as this guy Wellington.

945. So, I don't want to up and change now.

946. Lance, trust me, it's better this way.

947. Yo, money, give me your wallet.

948. One second.

949. Are you sure I won't die for 40 years?

950. Technically, yes, but...

951. Mother...

952. But this body's just a loaner! Boy, nobody listens to me.

953. Come on, man! Rob me! Don't run! Come on! I got money! You bad!

954. What does that mean, he wants to be more involved

955. with running the company?

956. It means, he wants to be more involved

957. with running the company.

958. I thought you had him under control.

959. I do. I mean, I did.

960. I mean, I don't really know where this came from.

961. It's like he's gone crazy.

962. Maybe the fact you were schtupping his wife changed his attitude a little.

963. Well, there's really no need to get personal.

964. I'll tell you what I take personally.

965. The statement, "What if we lose a few million dollars?"

966. Now, I didn't get into this business to lose money.

967. Do you think this goody-two-shoes crap that Wellington's been spewing

968. extends to, say, auditing the company's finances?

969. Oh, Jesus, I hope not.

970. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's just kill him.

971. What are you laughing about?

972. Winston, do you want to take the lead on this one?

973. Cisco, you know what I need you to do?

974. I need you to get in contact with a man named Whitney Daniels.

975. He lives on 104th and Lenox. Tell him I need to talk to him.

976. No, thank you.

977. Pretty sweet, huh? Up here, Mr. Daniels.

978. Entering second floor. Entering second floor.

979. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

980. I saw this girl the other day. She was ugly.

981. She's so ugly, she's talking about give her a booty call.

982. I said, "Girl, you so ugly, I'm gonna give you a zootie call."

983. What the hell do you think you're doing here, huh?

984. This isn't your act.

985. Calm down. Hey! Everybody, Whitney Daniels!

986. Shut up!

987. Hey, you guys have been great,

988. but we're gonna take a little break right now.

989. All right. Come on, everybody. Let's get back to work. Come on.

990. What the hell is going on here?

991. I know it looks kind of crazy,

992. but if I'm gonna get one of those last amateur spots at the Apollo,

993. I'm gonna need a place to work out.

994. You wanna do one of the amateur spots at the Apollo?

995. You?

996. What do you do, have your butlers go hang around comedy clubs

997. and steal people's acts?

998. - You think my act is stolen? - I know it is.

999. Personally, I would have stolen some better material.

1000. But the kid who wrote it, he used to work it pretty well, and...

1001. Two Rheingolds coming at ya.

1002. Thanks a lot, Cisco.

1003. Damn, you took everything from the kid, huh?

1004. Don't tell me that Rheingold is all you can afford, Mr. Wellington.

1005. Whit, I didn't steal anything.

1006. I just want to play the Apollo,

1007. and you're the only man who can help me do it.

1008. No. I'm out of the comedy business.

1009. Last person I was gonna help is dead.

1010. But, anyway, he was a special case.

1011. Really? What was so special about him?

1012. About him? Nothing, really, if you want to know.

1013. He didn't have much talent to speak of.

1014. But no matter how bad it went,

1015. and, believe me, sometimes it went really bad,

1016. he wanted to get back onstage.

1017. He was a good kid.

1018. And I wanted to be there when things got good for him, but...

1019. But I guess that won't happen now.

1020. Thanks for the beer.

1021. Whitney, it's me, Lance.

1022. I got hit by a truck and I went up to Heaven,

1023. and they took my body quick.

1024. And I'm in Heaven, and it's all blue.

1025. And this guy... And then the other guy, Mr. King,

1026. he kind of looked like Ricky Ricardo and

1027. I don't know if it's drugs you're taking or drugs you need to be taking,

1028. but do something.

1029. Whitney, remember when we did that gig in Atlantic City?

1030. They were supposed to pay us 500, but they only gave us 250.

1031. And we got real drunk and hung out with these two girls?

1032. We got so drunk, we thought they was transvestites.

1033. Turns out they weren't transvestites. They were just two real ugly girls.

1034. So, then we brought 'em back to the hotel,

1035. hung out with 'em, fell asleep.

1036. When we woke up, what did we find out?

1037. They robbed us!

1038. Yeah, man! They... They...

1039. Booey! Yeah!

1040. Yeah!

1041. - This is impossible. - What's so impossible about it?

1042. You've been going to church your whole life.

1043. You've been putting money in the collection plate every week.

1044. This is just your tax dollars at work.

1045. Wait a minute. God...

1046. What's God like? Does he have a sense of humor?

1047. You know, I haven't met God, but the Devil got some good weed.

1048. I'm just joking.

1049. Just playing, man.

1050. I haven't even met him yet, but I met this guy Mr. King.

1051. He's kind of like the manager up there.

1052. Manager? Wait...

1053. Lance!

1054. Just because you built a comedy club in your own home,

1055. it doesn't mean you can pull this off.

1056. You got to work your material in front of a real audience.

1057. I got an audience. I mean, you heard me getting laughs.

1058. Okay. What else do we got?

1059. "Your mother has so much hair under her arms,"

1060. "it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock."

1061. You know what I like about telling jokes? It's pure.

1062. It's like Boxing 101. You versus the audience.

1063. It's not like music. Nobody cares what you look like.

1064. Nobody cares what you're wearing.

1065. People just want to know if you're funny. Can you bring it?

1066. And I just wanna go to the Apollo and bring it one time.

1067. What about that stuff you were saying at the hospital?

1068. People think that stuff every day, but you never hear anybody say it.

1069. I was just talking.

1070. Yeah, but it worked.

1071. - What do you mean, worked? - It was funny.

1072. What's up, G?

1073. Welcome home, G.

1074. What are you doing?

1075. Backin' that ass up.

1076. How about you and me knock boots?

1077. It's just, you know, I've noticed lately you've been into the whole.

1078. - "Jet magazine" thing and... - Listen.

1079. I want a divorce.

1080. Is it because I tried to jack you?

1081. No, no, no. It's got nothing to do with you trying to jack me.

1082. The truth is, there's somebody else.

1083. Ya got another ho.

1084. Look, just divorce me.

1085. You can have the house, the car...

1086. You can have whatever you want. I don't want it.

1087. - Word? - Word.

1088. You know, you're a great person inside.

1089. And you need to get in touch with the person inside.

1090. And until you do that, you need to stay inside.

1091. So, take care, all right?

1092. He's lost his mind.

1093. All right, your next act, ladies and gentlemen.

1094. He loves comedy so much, he bought the whole damn club.

1095. Please put your hands together for Charles Wellington III.

1096. - You all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

1097. - You ready? - I'm ready.

1098. - How you feel? Great. - I feel good.

1099. 'Cause they're here, the judges from the Apollo.

1100. Charles Wellington, ladies and gentlemen.

1101. How're you doing? All right.

1102. When I was a kid, we were so poor

1103. that the roaches was on welfare.

1104. Poor, my ass.

1105. Get off the stage, you fake Bill Gates.

1106. Yeah, we was real poor.

1107. We were so poor that the rats had bald spots.

1108. Crap. Cripitty-crap-crap.

1109. I'm supposed to sit here and listen to this crap

1110. just because you own the club?

1111. Rich son of a bitch.

1112. That's comedy. That's comedy.

1113. Drinks for everybody. That, my friend, is comedy.

1114. All right?

1115. Shut up before I crush you with my wallet.

1116. Bothering me on the job.

1117. Do I come to your job and bother you?

1118. Do I kick the squeegee out your hand? No.

1119. I leave it right there.

1120. Let you get all the cars all day long.

1121. I didn't always have money.

1122. No, no, no. When I was a kid, we really was poor.

1123. We really was broke. When I was a kid, we were so broke...

1124. My dad was the cheapest man on earth.

1125. My father's so cheap that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the clocks.

1126. "You can't tell time when you asleep."

1127. And the last spot for the Apollo's final show goes to...

1128. Billionaire Charles Wellington from New York City.

1129. And to make the night right,

1130. closing out the show will be Brian McKnight.

1131. Boy, I don't know what got into that Wellington, but I like him.

1132. Fur is murder! Fur is murder!

1133. - Fur is murder! - Fur is murder!

1134. I'm gonna show you murder!

1135. Don't be stingy.

1136. Stick to the soft stuff. You can gum it.

1137. Kiss my ass.

1138. I'm so glad we're giving back to the community.

1139. Put on the hat. Put it on.

1140. So, I still got to get onstage and not get booed off.

1141. Well, you're doing pretty good.

1142. Thank you for the party, Mr. Wellington.

1143. No problem, sickie.

1144. - You take care, you sick bastard. - Thank you.

1145. See what you got here.

1146. Damn, you're sick! You're a sick man!

1147. Nurse, let's get this man a table dance, let's get it right now!

1148. Yes, sir.

1149. So, will you marry me?

1150. - What? - Sontee,

1151. I love looking at you, I love talking to you,

1152. I love laughing with you.

1153. You know, sometimes when I can't find you,

1154. I call your house just to listen to your answering machine

1155. because I love your voice.

1156. The cars, the money, all this stuff, I'd give it all up just for you.

1157. You know, today I changed the diaper of an 86-year-old man,

1158. and I'd give it all up just for you.

1159. That's a big sacrifice.

1160. Mr. Barton?

1161. - What? - Nothing.

1162. - Hold that thought. - Okay.

1163. I'll be right back.

1164. - I said hold that thought. - Okay.

1165. Keyes, what are you doing? Get out of here. You're death-ing up the place.

1166. Lance, you got to come with me. You can't stay in this body.

1167. Can't you see I'm busy? Go have yourself some ribs.

1168. Hey, I'm not the bad guy here!

1169. Can I take my hands down now?

1170. Yes, you can take your hands down.

1171. So, you really want to get married?

1172. I really want to get married.

1173. I mean, just look at me. You know I'm not lying.

1174. I know.

1175. There's something about your eyes.

1176. Sontee, I just want to remember all of this.

1177. I don't want you to forget me. You're not gonna forget me, right?

1178. You act like something's gonna happen.

1179. Nothing's gonna happen. I'm just saying, though,

1180. if something did happen, like, someday you met a guy,

1181. it could be a black guy, a white guy, a Spanish guy.

1182. I mean, if he was sincere, you'd give him a shot, right?

1183. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

1184. Everything's all right.

1185. Everything's all right.

1186. So, you brought the big gun, huh?

1187. You gotta play by the rules, Lance, like everybody else.

1188. I played by the rules my whole life and I'm sick of it.

1189. From now on, I make the rules.

1190. No one makes these rules, kid.

1191. Yeah, but you make all the mistakes, right?

1192. Every time I get something going, you take my body.

1193. This was just a temporary setup. The clock ran out.

1194. I'm not scared of you, King. I got lawyers now. I got money.

1195. - Makes no difference. - But I can't go now.

1196. I'm supposed to play the Apollo, and I'm in love.

1197. This is bigger than that.

1198. Nothing's bigger than that.

1199. This is fate.

1200. How come every time something bad happens to me, it's fate?

1201. And every time something good happens to me, it's luck?

1202. Is anything good supposed to happen to me?

1203. No.

1204. Somebody call 911!

1205. Sorry, Lance. I tried to warn you.

1206. King, you got to get me back.

1207. No dice. We had a deal.

1208. I'll do anything. I'll be anybody.

1209. There'll be consequences.

1210. I'll take 'em. Just get me back!

1211. Hello, Sontee.

1212. I just can't believe he's gone, just like that.

1213. He's not gone, Sontee.

1214. I know in a way he's gonna live on, but...

1215. No, no, honestly.

1216. You think you loved Charles Wellington,

1217. but really, you loved someone inside of him.

1218. He didn't die tonight.

1219. He's living on somewhere.

1220. I'm sure of it. And he'll always remember us.

1221. - So, what are we doing here? - This is your future, kid.

1222. - You mean, I'm gonna be Joe Guy? - That's the plan.

1223. But I don't want to take his life.

1224. He's about to play the Apollo. He's a nice guy.

1225. That's his destiny, this is yours. It'll all work out for the best.

1226. I'm not so sure with you. Look out, Joe!

1227. Air bags.

1228. Air bags.

1229. Taxi! Taxi!

1230. Hey!

1231. Taxil.

1232. Taxi! Taxi!

1233. Taxi! Taxi, taxi, taxi!

1234. I'm black again!

1235. I'm black again! I'm a black man!

1236. Thank God I'm a black man!

1237. Police are questioning Winston Sklar,

1238. who worked for Wellington, in relation to the murder.

1239. To the people who knew him, Charles Wellington was two men.

1240. A ruthless, cutthroat businessman,

1241. and more recently, a kind philanthropist.

1242. That man who got shot in the park today,

1243. that wasn't no Charles Wellington.

1244. That Wellington, he was always a cheap

1245. no-good mother... with a stick up his...

1246. Now, the man in the park today, he was somebody else.

1247. He was my brother. I loved that man.

1248. Chuck Wellington.

1249. There will never be another one like him.

1250. I can't believe he's gone.

1251. All right, that's it. He's done. No more questions.

1252. Thanks, Ted. Charles Wellington III, dead at the age of 53.

1253. He leaves behind his wife Amber, a dog, Elle, and a sizable

1254. I don't want you to forget me. You're not gonna forget me, right?

1255. There's something about your eyes.

1256. Everything's all right.

1257. Everything's all right.

1258. The eccentric billionaire left the bulk of his estate

1259. to a number of city charities, his personal friends,

1260. and his loyal domestic staff.

1261. Well, it's 'Showtime at the Apollo' one last time

1262. as the venerable Harlem institution closes its doors for good.

1263. I'm not wakin' up tomorrow mornin'

1264. And findin' that there's nobody there.

1265. No, no, no, no way...

1266. Hey, Whitney. I haven't seen you in a while.

1267. - What ya doin' backstage? - How about a loan?

1268. No. Stop it.

1269. I'm... Guess I'm just hangin' out.

1270. Yeah. I miss Booey, too.

1271. Love me.

1272. Thank you.

1273. Phil Quon, Apollo. Phil Quon.

1274. - Lance? - No, I'm Phil.

1275. Sorry.

1276. All right, how about a hand for your next act, Mr. Joe Guy?

1277. Give it up for Joe Guy.

1278. - Hey, Whit. - Hey, Joe.

1279. Make me laugh!

1280. Apollo! Yeah!

1281. So, what is it all about?

1282. Looks? Looks will determine everything.

1283. You know, you want people to judge you by your character,

1284. you know, what you feel inside, but nobody cares.

1285. People, all they care about is your looks.

1286. I'm sorry, if you look good, you're gonna have a good life.

1287. You look bad, you better work on it.

1288. That's right, the uglier you are, the smarter you better be.

1289. For every 10 pounds you are overweight,

1290. you better pick up a book.

1291. Or you better get two books, and get a computer while you're at it.

1292. Lance?

1293. Yeah.

1294. That's right. I was at the Knicks game the other day.

1295. I'm looking at the seats. The higher the seats got,

1296. the uglier the people got.

1297. If I was an usher, I wouldn't even need tickets.

1298. I'd just look at faces. "You got to go up top!"

1299. One thing I love about women.

1300. Women can fall in love with an ugly man and admit it.

1301. Show him off to all her friends and the family.

1302. He'd be the ugliest guy in the world,

1303. and they'd be so proud of their ugly man.

1304. They'll hold his hand like, "I want you to meet Kevin."

1305. "I just want you to meet Kevin. He's a nice guy."

1306. "I know he don't look that good, but he's good to me!"

1307. Women cool like that.

1308. Guys would never admit to being in love with an ugly woman.

1309. We'll hide it to the death! We ain't tellin' nobody!

1310. That's right, we ain't tellin' nobody.

1311. "Hey, man, heard you got married." "Who told you that?"

1312. That's it.

1313. Life! What's life all about, man? What is it all about?

1314. You want, you know, love. Love, love, love, love, love.

1315. You wanna be in love. You want that new love.

1316. That's right. You want that... You want to feel that first kiss again.

1317. That's right, 'cause that's the only real kiss in a relationship,

1318. is the first kiss.

1319. That's right. All the rest of the kisses, they're just, they're just protocol.

1320. Every other kiss is just protocol. That's all it is, just routine.

1321. Hey! You was gone. You back.

1322. Hey, we having sex.

1323. Hey, I miss you.

1324. It's all routine. The first kiss is the only real one,

1325. 'cause it always happens, like, in the middle of a conversation.

1326. You don't even know what you're talking about. "Yeah, you know."

1327. "Maybe someday I was thinking about maybe trying to get the Acura..."

1328. You never know! The first kiss is always like double Dutch.

1329. You're just sitting there like, "When do I get in? When do I get in?"

1330. "When do I get in? When do I get in? When do I get in?"

1331. "I'm kissing! I'm kissing! I'm kissing! I'm kissing! I'm kissing!"

1332. "I'm kissing! I'm kissing!"

1333. Hey, I got to go. Y'all be good.

1334. I'm loving this.

1335. That's my dawg.

1336. Joe Guy, ladies and gentlemen. Joe Guy.

1337. The next act is also a comedian. How about a hand for Mr. Mike Green!

1338. Whitney.

1339. Lance.

1340. They didn't boo. They didn't boo!

1341. Why don't they make the whole damn thing out of a black box?

1342. You know, that way they'd find it.

1343. We are back in business, huh?

1344. I'm back, Whit. You and me.

1345. Lance, I'm proud of you.

1346. - Lance. - Mr. King.

1347. - Keyes. - Hey, Lance, congratulations.

1348. You killed 'em!

1349. We're cool, right?

1350. We're cool, man. We're real cool.

1351. Lance, we got to talk.

1352. Remember our deal? Wellington was just a temporary setup.

1353. This is the real thing. This is your body.

1354. It's time to set up house, kid, 'cause this is you.

1355. All right, I'll sign the lease right now. I'll give you two months in advance.

1356. Joe, that was the shiznit, son.

1357. Listen to Phil Quon, kid. You about to shine.

1358. Kid, listen to me.

1359. When we leave, you will be Joe Guy.

1360. You won't remember Keyes, you won't remember me.

1361. Get out of here, man!

1362. I'm gonna remember you like you whooped my ass in third grade.

1363. Lance, you're not getting it.

1364. You see, you won't remember Charles Wellington, Sontee.

1365. You won't even remember Lance Barton.

1366. You will be Joe Guy.

1367. What do you mean, I won't remember Sontee?

1368. - I'm sorry, Lance. - You're sorry?

1369. I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot,

1370. and now you wanna take my soul?

1371. What are you, the Blair Witch?

1372. Lance, I can't take your soul. Nobody could do that.

1373. Where you're from, what you look like, that's just clothing.

1374. How am I supposed to get Sontee if I don't remember Sontee?

1375. No, no, no, how am I supposed to get Sontee

1376. if Sontee doesn't remember me?

1377. The funny thing about reincarnation, kid,

1378. even when you're not you, you're still you.

1379. Don't worry. I got a good feeling about this.

1380. Don't worry? I had a hard enough time

1381. trying to get this girl as a rich white man.

1382. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?

1383. See you around, Joe.

1384. That's what I'm talking about. You and me on the road.

1385. We could blow up, son! Joe, are you all right?

1386. Lance.

1387. Lance!

1388. Oh, man!

1389. Hey, Lance, come on, man. Let's celebrate.

1390. I got some big plans for us.

1391. What are you talking about?

1392. Lance, come on. Nobody else is around.

1393. Why do you keep calling me Lance?

1394. Look at me for a second, will ya?

1395. Lance.

1396. Joe Guy.

1397. You mean your boy, Lance Barton.

1398. I'm sorry. You're still dealing with that, huh?

1399. Yeah.

1400. Yeah, I... Guess I am.

1401. - Look, Mr. Daniels... - Whitney.

1402. Okay, Whitney, I don't have a manager.

1403. Would it be cool to come by your office and, like, leave a tape?

1404. You know, like, maybe you could take me on?

1405. Yeah. Sure. Call me tomorrow, huh?

1406. You're...

1407. You're a good kid.

1408. Thanks a lot. I'm gonna call you tomorrow.

1409. Right.

1410. - Joe Guy. - Joe Guy.

1411. Don't act like you don't know me.

1412. No, man.

1413. And you know what? If you don't like the tape,

1414. keep it to yourself.

1415. Right, right.

1416. It's gonna be all right.

1417. Excuse me. I'm looking for Whitney Daniels.

1418. Whitney Daniels? Yeah, just go straight.

1419. You make a right and go down the stairs.

1420. When you get by the dressing rooms, he should be there.

1421. Thanks.

1422. I'm sorry, but do you think they'll let me back there?

1423. Yeah, sure. The show's been over for about an hour.

1424. Do I know you?

1425. No.

1426. No, no, seriously. I'm not joking.

1427. I just feel like I've met you before.

1428. Joe.

1429. - Joe Guy. - Sontee Jenkins.

1430. Sontee.

1431. Thanks.

1432. Last call at the Apollo. We better get out of here before they lock us in.

1433. Give me your hand. I know my way around here.

1434. Don't be scared. Everything's all right.

1435. What did you just say?

1436. Everything's all right. Like the song.

1437. Everything is all right.

1438. It's just that when you said that, it...

1439. You're a comedian?

1440. Do I sing that bad?

1441. No, you were on tonight. How'd you do?

1442. They didn't boo.

1443. You know, they got this after party

1444. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hold you up.

1445. No, no, no, no, no.

1446. I don't really feel like going to the after party.

1447. You wanna get something to eat?

1448. Are you asking me out?

1449. No, I just want to feed you.

1450. Yeah. I'm starved.

1451. - Nice shoes. - Thank you.

1452. - So, what do you do? - I'm into medicine.

1453. What are you, a drug dealer?

1454. Watch it. No.

1455. Actually, I own Brooklyn Community Hospital.

1456. You own a hospital? I know Brooklyn Community.

1457. My uncle went there for a new liver.

1458. They sent his ass to the supermarket.

1459. Hello, Sontee. How're you doing, sir?

1460. - This your ride? - Yeah.

1461. Well, if you want to keep it, you better get it out of here.

1462. - This is nice! - Thank you, Cisco.

1463. What kind of mileage you get on this?

1464. Pretty good.

1465. Cocktails, Miss Jenkins?

1466. - So, are you the maid? - The maid?

1467. Do I look like the maid? I'm the paid.

1468. This is my friend Wanda.

1469. And look at you. Let you out of the car for a minute,

1470. and you're out there picking up strays.

1471. Did you know your coat's bleeding?

1472. Mind your business.

1473. - You okay, Sontee? - I'm okay. You okay?

1474. - Yeah, I'm okay. - Cisco, you okay?

1475. - I'm okay. Wanda, you okay? - Hell, no! I spilled my drink.

1476. You know what? You drink, I'm gonna drive.

1477. Didn't I tell you to keep an eye on him?

1478. Yes, sir. I'm so sorry, sir.

1479. You know, I was tying my shoe, and when I looked up, it was...

1480. It won't happen again, sir.

1481. Cisco, you got any music?

1482. Here you go.

1483. Rollin' down the street smokin' indo.

1484. Sippin' on gin and juice.

1485. Laid back.

1486. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind