1. Ugh... God damn it.
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2. This is nuts! This is so crazy!
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3. I've got a hard cider
and a bag of Crossbone Crunch.
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4. It's a party.
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5. I'm... I'm just so,
so thrilled for you, Kate.
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6. To Comet Dibiasky, right? Cheers!
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7. It's gotta be, look...
It's gotta be an Oort cloud comet
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8. just based on where you saw it.
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9. Probably the last time
it was this close to the Sun
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10. was long before human civilization.
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11. Look at the arc on that thing.
God, it's amazing.
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12. How would we find out the comet's
velocity in orbit, Professor Mindy?
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13. That is a good question.
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14. This will be fun. I haven't done
orbital dynamics since grad school.
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15. Question is, what...
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16. What would Carl Sagan do?
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17. He would take it back to first principles.
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18. The topocentric vector is rho.
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19. Kate, what are the initial coordinates?
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20. Twenty-one.
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21. Twenty-four.
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22. Thirteen.
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23. This is fun, huh, guys?
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24. - Sixty-seven.
- Wow. Now you got me pumped.
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25. - Dr. Mindy.
- All right...
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26. How many terms do you have to calibrate...
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27. Approximation
of coordinates in Marsden, '85.
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28. Now that we have the comet's orbit,
we will check the ephemeris
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29. and that will give us the distance
between the comet and planet Earth.
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30. Why does the ephemeris
keep getting lower and lower?
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31. Professor Mindy?
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32. Professor Mindy?
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33. You know what, guys? Let's...
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34. Let's call it a night, huh?
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35. But what about
the relative position?
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36. I can't figure this one out.
Not tonight, guys. Sorry.
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37. - Let's hit it, man. I'm beat.
- Me too.
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38. - Kate, this was amazing.
- Congratulations.
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39. Hey, Kate.
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40. You stay.
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41. Yeah, uh, Dr. Calder,
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42. a Michigan State professor
and his grad students...
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43. This is Dr. Calder.
You pulled me out of a meeting
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44. where I had to tell my team
we lost eight billion in funding.
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45. I am so sorry, Dr. Calder,
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46. but we are seeing some
awfully strange orbital numbers
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47. on this comet we just found.
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48. They should be in your inbox, right?
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49. - Is this it?
- Yeah. This is it.
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50. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me get
Dr. Oglethorpe on the line.
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51. Please hold.
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52. Uh... Uh, I'm on hold.
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53. She's calling a Dr. Oglethorpe.
Who is that?
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54. Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna put them on speaker.
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55. "Dr. Oglethorpe,
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56. head of the Planetary
Defense Coordination Office."
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57. - Is that a real place?
- I have no idea.
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58. This is Dr. Oglethorpe.
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59. Yes, this is Jocelyn Calder
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60. from Kennedy Space Center.
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61. Hey, Jocelyn.
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62. Listen, we got a sighting
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63. of an NEO from Subaru telescope.
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64. Okay. Uh...
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65. Why you just didn't report it
to the Minor Planet Center?
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66. It's a professor
and a bunch of Michigan State students
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67. who identified something big.
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68. Really? How large?
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69. How big we talking?
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70. We clocked it in around
five to ten kilometers wide.
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71. About five to ten kilometers wide.
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72. Uh... That's a big boy.
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73. And, uh, was this professor the one
who first made the observations?
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74. Hi, yes. Uh, Dr. Mindy.
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75. And... And no,
PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky found it.
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76. I did the orbital calculations.
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77. I, uh... I study trace gasses
in dead galaxies.
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78. I haven't published in a while
so you probably haven't heard of me.
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79. But anyway, that doesn't matter.
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80. Sorry. What was your question?
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81. What are the most updated estimates
on its trajectory?
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82. Kate?
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83. Um...
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84. I've been running it all day.
I keep getting the same result.
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85. A direct hit of Earth
in six months and 14 days.
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86. Me too.
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87. Matthew,
what are your calculations?
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88. Um, Scout program
is saying six months, 14 days.
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89. We got six months and 14 days.
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90. And it's roughly five
to ten kilometers wide.
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91. Which... Which, uh...
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92. Isn't that...
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93. an extinction-level event?
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94. Well, let's not be dramatic here.
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95. Okay, uh...
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96. First move is to get
the school field trip out here to DC.
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97. Let's all calm down.
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98. I need the person who first had eyes
on the comet
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99. and the person in charge.
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100. What?
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101. share this data immediately
with Cambridge, Caltech and IAU.
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102. Wait a minute.
This is classified information.
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103. What's happening?
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104. I serve
at the discretion of the president.
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105. Is this really happening?
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106. and the dead galaxy professor
to Hickam Air Force base.
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107. DC, right?
Hey! Hey, Kate.
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108. This isn't happening, right?
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109. Kate, this isn't real, right? This is, uh...
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110. This is just some sort
of alternate reality, right?
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111. Say something.
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112. I gotta go get high.
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113. Word is that I need you both in DC fast.
Only plane I got going there is that one.
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114. Anyway, I am Dr. Mindy. This is...
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115. - Hi! Oh.
- Go, go, go!
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116. - Where do we sit, Kate?
- I have no idea.
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117. Is there
any customary seating for...
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118. What the fuck? Is this real?
Is this a goddamn joke?
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119. Holy shit.
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120. This can't be happening. No.
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121. - Brendon. You mean Brendon?
- Yeah, Brendon.
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122. You know, he didn't keep his head down.
It's all politics, Teddy. You know that.
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123. You must be Randall and Kate.
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124. Yes. Yes, hi.
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125. I'm Dr. Oglethorpe,
but you can call me Teddy.
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126. I'm sorry. Did you say your name...
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127. - I should call you "Teddy"? Teddy.
- Teddy. Yeah.
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128. Yeah, we call him Teddy
because he ain't no teddy bear.
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129. General Themes.
I'm the Pentagon's eyes on, uh,
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130. you know, whatever this turns out to be.
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131. The president is famously late,
and you've had a long flight, so...
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132. - Michigan State Spartans.
- Mmm.
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133. - Is that the Oval Office?
- Yeah, that's the Oval Office, yeah.
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134. It's a lot smaller
than in the photographs.
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135. The president
should be here shortly.
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136. She's already been briefed.
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137. Correct, Scott?
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138. That is correct.
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139. Are we really about to tell
the president of the United States
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140. that we have just over six months
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141. until humankind, basically every species,
is completely extinct?
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142. Yeah. That's exactly
what we're about to do. Yeah.
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143. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
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144. Yes, I said law enforcement.
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145. But I didn't want... I mean,
you told me that he was clean.
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146. - Hello, Madam President. Dr. Oglethorpe.
- Step back, please.
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147. Hello.
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148. Madam President, I'm Dr. Oglethorpe.
I believe Jocelyn briefed you to...
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149. - Hey, Jason.
- Yeah? What up, yo?
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150. Come on, man. What the hell?
This is real world.
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151. Yeah. I know. We need five minutes.
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152. We have a problem with our Supreme Court
nominee. Five minutes. Thank you.
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153. Just take a message,
and then, stuff like this happens,
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154. and I don't know what's going on.
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155. I don't understand
how many more times I need to tell you...
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156. Well, there's a bunch of stuff about
their nominee not being qualified,
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157. but I don't see
any articles about our thing.
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158. Social media is just going on and on
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159. about that singer Riley Bina
and DJ Chello breaking up.
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160. That's just too bad.
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161. They seem like sweet kids.
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162. Hmm. I don't... I don't know them.
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163. Which is...
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164. - It's a shame though.
- Yeah.
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165. - Do you know them, Kate?
- Yes.
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166. - But I don't really give a shit right now.
- Oh.
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167. They charge
an arm and a leg for this stuff.
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168. - Ten apiece ought to do it.
- Oh.
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169. - Grab a water.
- Thank you.
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170. I've got Kate as well.
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171. - Perfect.
- Thank you.
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172. - Here's a 20.
- Oh.
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173. - You got change?
- No.
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174. - I mean, I could ask the Marine.
- Yeah...
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175. Uh, it's a Xanax.
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176. - I only take a quarter. Otherwise I get...
- Ah...
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177. - Kate.
- Thank you.
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178. You know, you should be
careful with that much.
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179. I'm very sorry. I have to be
in Okinawa by two o'clock tomorrow.
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180. - What?
- What? Are you serious?
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181. - This is very important.
- I have to go quell the natives.
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182. Tell your daughter I said hello.
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183. Isn't it important that he was
in the room with us? I mean, what...
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184. Where do I pay for these?
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185. It's free.
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186. Really?
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187. Yes, it's the White House.
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188. The snacks are free.
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189. What?
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190. The general.
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191. He charged us
for the snacks, but they're free.
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192. Oh, gosh.
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193. Why on earth would he do that?
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194. Hey, peeps, uh, it's not looking
like it's gonna happen tonight,
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195. and I feel horrible.
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196. We're gonna put you up
in a hotel somewhere.
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197. Excuse me, does the president
know why we're here?
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198. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
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199. They must not know
why we're here, right?
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200. They know. Uh, but you heard 'em.
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201. - Do they even realize...
- Be ready for tomorrow.
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202. how long it took for us to get...
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203. And then they made us wait
for over seven hours,
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204. but they never called us in.
I couldn't believe it.
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205. Of course they didn't call you in.
Kate, have you watched any news today?
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206. No, I've been pretty wrapped up
in our... project.
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207. Turn on your TV right now.
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208. President Orlean is in
the middle of an all-time shit storm.
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209. Sheriff Wade Conlon
was already a controversial nominee,
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210. with no law degree and a record
of "shoot first and ask questions later."
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211. You watching?
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212. With his background as a nude life model...
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213. Yeah, I'm watching it right now.
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214. the White House is in full crisis mode.
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215. And, get this.
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216. I found five former students
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217. who are willing to go on record
that Conlon got noticeably aroused
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218. when he posed for their drawing class.
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219. I have no shame in what I did.
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220. Now, should I say "noticeably aroused"?
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221. Or "engorged"? Because
I don't want this to read like clickbait.
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222. You know, this is a real article.
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223. I just... Kate, can I get
something from you, please?
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224. Sorry.
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225. - Out of sorts tonight.
- Can we have this conversation?
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226. I feel like we're skirting around this.
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227. Do you have an issue with my mom?
Is that what this is all about?
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228. You can't tell me what's going on?
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229. It's just the protocol.
Please, don't worry.
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230. Oh, Marshall got a 172
on his LSATs and we're celebrating.
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231. Way to go, Marshall.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
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232. Whoo! Thank you, Dad. Miss you.
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233. Hey, how's Evan feeling?
Are the new meds working out?
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234. - I'm a solid four.
- Ooh!
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235. He's a solid four.
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236. Well, that's better
than last month, right?
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237. You know, just remember to speak up
in the meeting tomorrow. Okay?
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238. - Yeah. I will.
- You get so quiet.
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239. When it's time to take credit,
you kind of...
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240. She asked you if you were a lesbian.
She did not say that you were a lesbian.
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241. - It was a question.
- Hey, look, I'm...
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242. Can I sit down with your mom
to have lunch in, like, seven months?
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243. Seven... That's weirdly
specific and distant.
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244. What is... This is my mom.
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245. So... Oh!
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246. I heard there's an asteroid
or a comet or something
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247. that you don't like the looks of.
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248. Tell me about it and then
tell me why you're telling me about it.
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249. You got 20 minutes.
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250. - Twenty minutes?
- That's you, Doc.
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251. Go. Now. Go.
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252. Uh...
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253. Madam President.
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254. Uh...
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255. Approximately 36 hours ago,
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256. uh, PhD candidate
Kate Dibiasky here discovered
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257. a very large comet.
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258. - Yeah.
- Good for you.
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259. A comet between
five to ten kilometers across,
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260. that we estimate came from the, uh...
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261. from the... from the Oort cloud.
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262. Wow.
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263. Which is the outermost part
of the solar system.
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264. And, um...
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265. And using Gauss's method
of orbital determination
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266. and the average astrometric uncertainty
of 0.04 arcseconds, we then asked...
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267. - Whoa! What the hell is... What?
- I'm so bored. Just tell us what it is.
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268. - What? Stop what?
- Seriously, stop.
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269. What Dr. Mindy is trying to say is
there's a comet headed towards Earth,
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270. and according to NASA's computers,
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271. that object is gonna hit the Pacific Ocean
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272. at 62 miles due west
off the coast of Chile.
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273. Then what happens? Like, a tidal wave?
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274. No. It will be far more catastrophic.
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275. There'll be mile-high tsunamis
fanning out all across the globe.
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276. If this comet makes impact, it will have
the power of a billion Hiroshima bombs.
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277. There'll be
magnitude 10 or 11 earthquakes...
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278. You're breathing weird.
It's, uh, making me uncomfortable.
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279. I'm sorry, I'm just trying
to articulate the science.
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280. I know. But it's so stressful.
I'm trying to, like, listen...
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281. I don't think you understand
the gravity of the situation.
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282. I'm trying to articulate it
the best I can...
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283. Madam President, this comet
is what we call a planet-killer.
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284. That is correct.
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285. Mmm-hmm.
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286. So how certain is this?
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287. There's 100% certainty of impact.
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288. Please, don't say 100%.
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289. Can we just call it
a potentially significant event?
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290. - Yeah.
- Yes.
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291. But it isn't potentially going to happen.
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292. It is going to happen.
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293. Exactly. 99.78% to be exact.
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294. Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
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295. Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
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296. Call it 70% and let's just move on.
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297. But it's not even close to 70%.
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298. You cannot go around saying to people
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299. that there's 100% chance
that they're gonna die.
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300. You know? It's just nuts.
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301. We should get some of
our scientists on this, you know.
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302. No offense, but you're just two people
that walked in here with...
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303. Dr. Oglethorpe.
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304. Dr. Ov... Ogilvy. Yeah.
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305. I've been head of planetary defense
at NASA for 15 years.
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306. And Dr. Mindy is a tenured professor
of astronomy at Michigan State,
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307. where Miss Dibiasky
is a doctoral candidate.
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308. - Good.
- I'm sorry. Did you say Michigan State?
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309. Exactly. They have
an excellent astronomy department.
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310. - Yes.
- Come on, bro.
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311. You kidding?
You wanna see my fucking SAT scores?
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312. Okay, let's bottom line this.
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313. What is this gonna cost me?
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314. You know, what's the ask here?
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315. There are government plans in place.
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316. Um, actions we can take through NASA:
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317. Drones that can be outfitted with nukes
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318. to deflect and hopefully
change the orbit of this comet.
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319. We must act now.
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320. Oh, hey.
All right, all right, all right.
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321. - When are the midterms? Three weeks.
- Three weeks.
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322. So, if this breaks before then,
we lose Congress.
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323. Then there's nothing we can do about it.
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324. It'll be gridlocked.
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325. The timing is just... It's atrocious.
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326. Okay, at this very moment,
I say we sit tight and assess.
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327. Sit tight and assess.
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328. Let's get some other people
on this. Some Ivy Leaguers.
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329. And you and I will review the NASA plans.
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330. - Okay?
- I'd greatly appreciate that.
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331. Am I to understand correctly that,
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332. after all of the information
you've received today,
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333. the decision you're making
is to "sit tight and assess"?
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334. - I'm sorry, who is she?
- Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?
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335. I'm the fucking Chief of Staff,
Boy with the Dragon Tattoo.
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336. So I'm doing fine.
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337. We gotta get out of here.
This place is a freak show.
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338. I think what Miss Dibiasky
is trying to say
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339. is that the idea of sitting tight
is an extremely, extremely dangerous...
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340. Oh, oh!
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341. Thank you.
One good thing happened today.
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342. Okay, funny story.
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343. When I was running for president,
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344. I had to sneak cigarettes for
the whole first month of the campaign
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345. because, you know,
photographs of me smoking
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346. went for, what, a hundred grand a pop?
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347. So, I'm always hiding, but,
you know, I just got sick of it.
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348. And I just said, "You know what,
I'm gonna smoke whenever I want to."
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349. Mmm...
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350. Guess what happened?
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351. - I went up three points in the polls.
- They loved that she kept it real.
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352. They love watching a smokeshow smoke.
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353. I can't think of another president
that I'd ever wanna see in Playboy.
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354. Do you know how many, uh,
"the world is ending" meetings
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355. that we've had over the years?
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356. Economic collapse, loose nukes,
car exhaust killing the atmosphere.
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357. - Rogue AI.
- Drought, famine, plague...
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358. - Uh...
- Everything.
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359. Alien invasion,
population growth, hole in the ozone...
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360. Jason, hey.
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361. - Read the room for once in your life.
- Sorry, Mom.
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362. Point is, I have a job to do.
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363. You do understand
that this is an apocalyptic event.
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364. This is a large celestial body
heading towards our planet at speeds...
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365. Dr. Mindy, I hear you.
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366. I hear you.
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367. - You should be proud.
- Thank you.
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368. I'm taking it very seriously.
I'm taking it straight in the heart.
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369. I'm so glad to hear that.
You have no idea.
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370. Hey, gang, obviously everything we talked
about in here, super classified, right?
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371. - Yeah.
- Cool.
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372. Thanks for dressing up.
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373. You're saying
we're just gonna leak it to the press?
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374. - Isn't that illegal?
- Hell yeah, we're going to leak it.
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375. In case you didn't notice,
the White House just blew us off.
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376. My boyfriend, Phillip,
says he knows a reporter
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377. from the New York Herald
who will talk to us.
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378. - Adul Grelio.
- Good. He's a heavy hitter.
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379. And I'll reach out to more of
the scientific community on the down-low.
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380. - I just feel like this isn't what I do.
- You're just telling a story.
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381. Keep it simple.
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382. No math.
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383. But it's all math.
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384. It all started
with a connection.
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385. A simple gesture that created so much.
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386. So many choices.
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387. Sometimes, it can even feel like too much.
Copy !req
388. Until now.
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389. Introducing BASH LiiF.
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390. Life, without the stress of living.
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391. Before we introduce
the founder and CEO of BASH:
Copy !req
392. please remember
to avoid direct eye contact,
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393. sudden movements,
coughing or negative facial expressions.
Copy !req
394. And now, please welcome
Sir Peter Isherwell.
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395. We love you, Peter!
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396. We love you, Peter!
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397. Hello, everyone.
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398. All of my life's work,
Copy !req
399. really, I see has been driven
by an inexpressible need for a friend
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400. who would understand and soothe me.
Copy !req
401. And you know, now all those years of work
have come to fruition with BASH LiiF,
Copy !req
402. our new BASH 14:3, uh, phone
Copy !req
403. is fully integrated
into your every feeling and desire
Copy !req
404. without you needing
to say one single word.
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405. If I feel...
Copy !req
406. - Sad.
- Afraid.
Copy !req
407. Or alone.
Copy !req
408. The BASH 14:3 phone,
when set to the life setting,
Copy !req
409. instantly senses my mood
through blood pressure...
Copy !req
410. Uh, heartbeats and...
Copy !req
411. Your vitals
show that you are sad.
Copy !req
412. This will cheer you up, Peter.
Copy !req
413. Oh, that's wonderful.
Copy !req
414. That video. Um...
Copy !req
415. It also, seriously, uh, schedules
Copy !req
416. a therapy session
with a nearby professional,
Copy !req
417. so we can make sure that
these sad feelings never ever ever return.
Copy !req
418. - May I say something, Mr. Isherwell?
- No.
Copy !req
419. And to support, uh, BASH LiiF,
uh, I wanna officially announce...
Copy !req
420. Oh, give me the phones. They're not yours.
Copy !req
421. - Say bye.
- Bye, Mr. Isherwell.
Copy !req
422. Bye, Peter.
Copy !req
423. Um, I love you, Peter.
Copy !req
424. Are you sure the video
of the puppy on the rooster
Copy !req
425. is optimizing our prepubescent
sense memory consumer sector?
Copy !req
426. I find the bird quite threatening.
Copy !req
427. We will cross-check
the data on that, for sure.
Copy !req
428. Mr. Isherwell, Paul Debent
wanted me to give this to you.
Copy !req
429. He got it from
an astronomer friend of his in Mexico.
Copy !req
430. Oh, my.
Copy !req
431. What other confirmation
do we have on this, Adul?
Copy !req
432. I've spoken to Dr. Oglethorpe in DC
and he confirmed it and all the math.
Copy !req
433. Then I showed it
to Dr. Franks at Columbia,
Copy !req
434. and he almost fell out of his chair.
Copy !req
435. So, look, I have to admit.
I was very skeptical at first,
Copy !req
436. but this is all quite credible.
Copy !req
437. The calculations are credible.
Copy !req
438. Jesus.
Copy !req
439. And the president
really said to sit tight?
Copy !req
440. - Yes. That's correct.
- "Sit tight and assess."
Copy !req
441. She's probably worried about the midterms.
Copy !req
442. We need to move fast.
Copy !req
443. The feds will claim breach of security,
Copy !req
444. so make sure these two
get a pro bono attorney.
Copy !req
445. - You can use my attorney.
- You can certainly afford it now.
Copy !req
446. We're gonna hire a lawyer?
Copy !req
447. - That wasn't necessary.
- It was.
Copy !req
448. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
Copy !req
449. That was not called for.
Copy !req
450. I just have a question here.
Copy !req
451. How is it criminal if we just tell people,
Copy !req
452. like the public, you know,
what we saw, and tell them the truth?
Copy !req
453. Make sure this one gets media training
before he hits the shows.
Copy !req
454. He seems a step slow.
Copy !req
455. What does that mean,
I need media training?
Copy !req
456. They want us on a show
called The Daily Rip
Copy !req
457. first thing in the morning
before the article comes out.
Copy !req
458. You guys know what The Daily Rip is?
Copy !req
459. It's like the best show.
Everyone wants to be on it.
Copy !req
460. Brie and Jack have legendary chemistry.
Copy !req
461. They asked me to go on once.
Copy !req
462. I was so excited
I couldn't sleep for two nights,
Copy !req
463. but then they cut me for time.
Copy !req
464. Still hurts me to think about that.
Copy !req
465. I know what show you're talking about.
My wife loves that show.
Copy !req
466. Okay, can you just tell me
what this is all about? Okay?
Copy !req
467. 'Cause you haven't read my article
on Conlon getting hard in the art class.
Copy !req
468. Now Adul Grelio has come down
from his mountaintop for your thing.
Copy !req
469. You won't even give me
a lousy pronoun? Come on.
Copy !req
470. A comet, bigger than the asteroid
that destroyed the dinosaurs,
Copy !req
471. is headed directly at Earth.
Copy !req
472. If it isn't deflected,
the entire planet dies.
Copy !req
473. Wait, what did you just say?
Copy !req
474. It's for a video game.
Copy !req
475. Are you being serious?
Copy !req
476. Yes.
Copy !req
477. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
478. Oh, my God! What the fuck, man?
Copy !req
479. I love you too. All right. Yeah.
Copy !req
480. Hey, guys,
we gotta keep walking, all right?
Copy !req
481. Come on.
Copy !req
482. - You must be Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky?
- Yes.
Copy !req
483. Jack and Brie are so excited
to have you on the show.
Copy !req
484. Really? They know who we are?
Copy !req
485. White House is denying
they even met with them.
Copy !req
486. Well, assholes will always be assholes.
Copy !req
487. Hi, I'm Thalia.
Copy !req
488. The Herald sent me
to help with your wardrobe.
Copy !req
489. Oh, I'm not wearing that.
Copy !req
490. Yeah, you actually have
really great facial structure.
Copy !req
491. How 'bout if we trim
this beard down a little bit and...
Copy !req
492. I love your hair.
Copy !req
493. Thank you.
Copy !req
494. How are we gonna do this?
I talk about the discovery and you...
Copy !req
495. talk about how urgent it is
that we take action.
Copy !req
496. How do we say it? I mean...
Copy !req
497. - Shouldn't we practice it or write it out?
- Can I get you some water?
Copy !req
498. Yeah, water. Yeah, water would be nice.
Copy !req
499. You are here now.
You are here now. You are here now.
Copy !req
500. Eleven benevolent elephants.
Eleven benevolent elephants.
Copy !req
501. - Just gonna take some Xanax.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
502. I take it sometimes when I...
Copy !req
503. Kate, not this time. Not this time.
Copy !req
504. He just needs to breathe
and speak up. You know?
Copy !req
505. He's got this. I know he does.
Copy !req
506. Oh, God. Come on.
Copy !req
507. You are here now.
You are here now. You are here now.
Copy !req
508. You're here now.
Copy !req
509. Oh, God!
Copy !req
510. You gotta
stop drinking the cheap shit.
Copy !req
511. - It's only two glasses.
- Yeah, two and a half.
Copy !req
512. - We're 20 out.
- Always running late.
Copy !req
513. Let's make sure that our eye lines,
Copy !req
514. that we're not looking
at Jack and Brie, please, all right?
Copy !req
515. And cue the package.
Copy !req
516. Two glasses. Here we go again.
Copy !req
517. - Ladies okay?
- Yes. And we're live.
Copy !req
518. Brie, I've got something for you today.
Listen to this.
Copy !req
519. President Orlean's Supreme Court nominee,
Sheriff Conlon,
Copy !req
520. has now been identified
as appearing in a softcore porn cable show
Copy !req
521. - from the early '90s...
- Ridiculous.
Copy !req
522. called Satin Sheet Nights.
Copy !req
523. - This story just keeps going and going...
- Oh, my gosh.
Copy !req
524. Is that Riley Bina?
Copy !req
525. - Yes, well, it's a...
- Really?
Copy !req
526. She looks a lot smaller
in person, doesn't she?
Copy !req
527. Ride 'em, cowboy.
Copy !req
528. - Good.
- Hee-haw!
Copy !req
529. Hey, everyone. I'm Sean from the show.
Copy !req
530. Uh, we're gonna do... Jack and Brie
are gonna do ten on the SCOTUS nominee.
Copy !req
531. - Riley Bina, you'll come on and...
- I get to talk about my single, right?
Copy !req
532. A portion of the profits
goes to the manatee sanctuaries.
Copy !req
533. Yes, but the, uh, breakup first.
Copy !req
534. And then Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky,
Copy !req
535. you'll come on and talk about
that planet you discovered.
Copy !req
536. Uh... Comet. We found a comet.
Copy !req
537. They know what we're here
to talk about, right?
Copy !req
538. Of course. Jack and Brie
love doing science segments.
Copy !req
539. Just remember, keep it light, fun.
Copy !req
540. Jack and Brie love having a good time.
Copy !req
541. That's not promising.
Copy !req
542. You guys discovered a comet?
That's so dope.
Copy !req
543. I have a tattoo
of a shooting star on my back.
Copy !req
544. - Oh.
- That's terrific.
Copy !req
545. We heard about your breakup too,
so we just wanna say...
Copy !req
546. We're very sorry, right?
Copy !req
547. We're real sorry.
You seem like a... great person.
Copy !req
548. Why don't you mind
your own business, you old fuck?
Copy !req
549. Okay.
Copy !req
550. Not gonna lie, but, um, my friends
Copy !req
551. and my Vroom Vroom Army
have been so amazing.
Copy !req
552. So, I'm really grateful for that.
But, yeah, I can't lie. It's been hard.
Copy !req
553. - You're an inspiration. It's incredible.
- To so many.
Copy !req
554. You're really owning that pain.
Copy !req
555. You know, Jack, I feel like
there's some kind of conversation
Copy !req
556. that we need to be having here.
Is there any message
Copy !req
557. that you would like
to send to your, uh, ex, DJ Chello?
Copy !req
558. You know, um...
Copy !req
559. If there's something...
Copy !req
560. - Yeah.
- Right here in this camera.
Copy !req
561. Tell him. As if that was him.
You tell him exactly what you're thinking.
Copy !req
562. Okay, um...
Copy !req
563. Chell.
Copy !req
564. I still love you,
and, um, after many sleepless nights,
Copy !req
565. three,
Copy !req
566. I wanna take you back.
Copy !req
567. I'm sorry. Whoa, uh...
Copy !req
568. - Is that okay?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
569. - He cheated on you.
- Oh, my God. You guys...
Copy !req
570. Yeah. I do.
Copy !req
571. - Diddly just exploded.
- So did Vroom Vroom.
Copy !req
572. News just sent me
eight push notifications.
Copy !req
573. - About this?
- Yeah, look.
Copy !req
574. My phone just purchased
DJ Chello's latest single.
Copy !req
575. What the... It just did that without asking.
Copy !req
576. I'm being told that
we have DJ Chello live on a Mugg link.
Copy !req
577. - What's he got to say for himself?
- I love the producers here.
Copy !req
578. Hey, baby doll. Hey.
Copy !req
579. - Hi. Hi, baby.
- He's in tears.
Copy !req
580. - Your kid messed up bad.
- I know.
Copy !req
581. Lady Baroque wasn't wearing
any panties in the club that night.
Copy !req
582. - It's fine.
- I just got all crazy.
Copy !req
583. I wasn't thinking straight.
I made a mistake.
Copy !req
584. But, look, it's always been you.
Copy !req
585. Oh! I get it. It's okay.
Copy !req
586. I hooked up with her too,
last year at the Music Globes
Copy !req
587. right before I ran off
with that power forward from the Nuggets,
Copy !req
588. and none of that matters.
Copy !req
589. What about "Forget breakup sex.
Try breakup relationship"?
Copy !req
590. - That's good.
- Come on.
Copy !req
591. "Ten famous second chances
for two-timers," guys.
Copy !req
592. It's on a plate.
Copy !req
593. I've been scared, but, honestly,
I'm not scared anymore.
Copy !req
594. Okay.
Copy !req
595. My little bumblebee, will you marry me?
Copy !req
596. - Oh, my God. Of course.
- Oh, wow.
Copy !req
597. - Chell, of course.
- Yes!
Copy !req
598. - Yes!
- That's sick.
Copy !req
599. Yes!
Copy !req
600. All right, DJ Chello.
Copy !req
601. What is happening?
Copy !req
602. Just bought another.
Copy !req
603. - Who are these people again?
- They're like the biggest names...
Copy !req
604. Well, the fireworks
have certainly gone off today.
Copy !req
605. - They have.
- What a zinger!
Copy !req
606. Yes, they have.
Copy !req
607. From a wedding proposal
to a little science experiment.
Copy !req
608. I'll need a temple rub
and a martini later on.
Copy !req
609. Our last guests today have made
a pretty big discovery in space.
Copy !req
610. Astronomer Dr. Randall Mindy
Copy !req
611. and PhD candidate
Miss Kate Dibiasky are here.
Copy !req
612. Welcome to the show.
Copy !req
613. Can I ask you one thing before we go
any further? I have to know this.
Copy !req
614. Is there life out there?
Copy !req
615. - Can you tell us? Yes or no, final answer.
- We don't have the data.
Copy !req
616. But sure, in the vastness
of space, why not?
Copy !req
617. Yes, aliens are real.
Copy !req
618. I knew I'd like this guy.
Didn't I tell? You owe me 50 bucks.
Copy !req
619. I'm not saying there's
little green men in flying saucers...
Copy !req
620. - Please don't encourage him, Dr. Mindy.
- That's what he's saying.
Copy !req
621. We'll never get out of here.
Copy !req
622. Now, Jack was having some fun here.
Copy !req
623. - Dad looks great.
- What did...
Copy !req
624. - Doesn't he look good?
- They did something with his beard.
Copy !req
625. With the aliens...
Copy !req
626. Really... He really does.
Copy !req
627. - So much.
- Dr. Randall...
Copy !req
628. You'll regret it. Now, look,
Jack's just having some fun here
Copy !req
629. with the aliens or whatever,
Copy !req
630. but there's a New York Herald story
that's just come out that talks about...
Copy !req
631. Keep it right there. You're doing good.
Copy !req
632. - ... the two of you have made.
- That's right, Brie.
Copy !req
633. Kate was, um, observing supernovas...
Copy !req
634. Yo, that's your girl?
Copy !req
635. - Yeah.
- Not bad.
Copy !req
636. an absolutely shocking
and once-in-a-lifetime discovery.
Copy !req
637. I had no idea that Subaru made telescopes.
Copy !req
638. This has to be exciting.
Tell us what you found, Miss Diabasky.
Copy !req
639. Um, I was monitoring exploding stars
Copy !req
640. to help measure
the expansion of the universe and...
Copy !req
641. - For your PhD, right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
642. I saw something I didn't recognize.
Copy !req
643. It was a comet.
Copy !req
644. A big one.
Copy !req
645. It's headed directly at Earth,
and it really likely will hit.
Copy !req
646. This sounds very, very exciting.
Copy !req
647. Exploding stars, like,
stars actually explode.
Copy !req
648. Um, how big is this thing?
Copy !req
649. Can it destroy someone's house?
Is that possible?
Copy !req
650. Well, Comet Dibiasky, which is
what it will officially be named...
Copy !req
651. - After her?
- Yeah, after her.
Copy !req
652. - Congratulations.
- What an honor. Congratulations.
Copy !req
653. It's somewhere between
six and nine kilometers across.
Copy !req
654. - So...
- It's big.
Copy !req
655. It would damage the entire planet.
Copy !req
656. Not just a house, you know?
Copy !req
657. The entire planet.
Copy !req
658. Okay, as it's damaging,
will it hit this one house in particular
Copy !req
659. that's right on the coast of New Jersey?
It's my ex-wife's house.
Copy !req
660. Can we make that happen?
Copy !req
661. You and Shelly have
a great relationship. Stop.
Copy !req
662. You need to stop.
Copy !req
663. I will, but in all fairness,
I actually paid for the house.
Copy !req
664. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
665. I'm sorry, are we not being clear?
Copy !req
666. We're trying to tell you
Copy !req
667. that the entire planet
is about to be destroyed.
Copy !req
668. - Okay, um...
- Well, it's, you know...
Copy !req
669. It's something we do around here.
We just keep the bad news light.
Copy !req
670. Right. It helps the medicine go down.
Copy !req
671. Speaking of medicine, tomorrow we've got...
Copy !req
672. Well, maybe the destruction
of the entire planet
Copy !req
673. isn't supposed to be fun.
Copy !req
674. Maybe it's supposed to be terrifying.
Copy !req
675. And unsettling.
Copy !req
676. No, please don't do that.
Copy !req
677. - And you should stay up all night...
- Please.
Copy !req
678. every night crying,
Copy !req
679. when we're all 100%
for sure gonna fucking die!
Copy !req
680. Hey, Kate.
Copy !req
681. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
682. Hey, man.
Copy !req
683. My brother has bipolar disorder.
So if you ever need anyone to talk...
Copy !req
684. - Uh...
- Okay.
Copy !req
685. Is she always like that?
Copy !req
686. - I...
- Something I said?
Copy !req
687. Right?
Copy !req
688. Maybe I should have given her
that extra Xanax that I had.
Copy !req
689. Listen, if you don't have enough,
we all have enough around here for her.
Copy !req
690. A spoonful of Xanax
makes the medicine go down, right?
Copy !req
691. That's right. That's good.
Copy !req
692. - We're gonna have to get you back.
- I knew I'd like this guy.
Copy !req
693. - Is he a plant?
- I knew it.
Copy !req
694. Okay.
Copy !req
695. Well, the handsome astronomer
Copy !req
696. can come back anytime,
but the yelling lady, not so much.
Copy !req
697. Not so much. Join us tomorrow
when our guest will be the man
Copy !req
698. that many say will challenge
President Orlean in two years.
Copy !req
699. Senator Jeff Lerner will be here.
Copy !req
700. And wrongly-convicted murderer,
Michelle Weems,
Copy !req
701. talks to us about her controversial
third-place finish on Celebrity Dance Off.
Copy !req
702. - I thought she would've won.
- Yes. I still think she's guilty.
Copy !req
703. - That's The Daily Rip, guys.
- Have a great day.
Copy !req
704. - And we're out!
- The show's over?
Copy !req
705. - I mean, didn't...
- Yeah.
Copy !req
706. - Did what we wanted to say come across?
- No, it's over.
Copy !req
707. You were great, but I think mullet girl,
she probably needs some media training.
Copy !req
708. - Really?
- Yeah, no, terrible, buddy.
Copy !req
709. Oh... Thanks. Thanks, Billy.
Copy !req
710. Uh, we usually get drinks at Aundrine's
after our five o'clock staff meeting.
Copy !req
711. You know, it's fun. You should come.
Copy !req
712. Oh, I'll have to see.
Thank you for the invitation. Thank you.
Copy !req
713. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
714. Kate? Kate?
Copy !req
715. - Hey. You were awesome.
- Oh, thanks.
Copy !req
716. Can I get a photo of you for my portfolio?
Copy !req
717. - Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
718. Thank you.
Copy !req
719. You can see this spike here
Copy !req
720. is when Riley Bina
asked to take DJ Chello back
Copy !req
721. on the segment before you.
Copy !req
722. We saw engagement across
all social media platforms.
Copy !req
723. Hmm. And what about our story?
Copy !req
724. Randall and Kate,
Copy !req
725. your TV appearance got some nice traffic
when Miss Dibiasky cursed.
Copy !req
726. But, unfortunately,
there was an immediate backlash
Copy !req
727. that quickly became a meme.
Copy !req
728. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
729. - Oh, that's terrible.
- They just think I'm crazy.
Copy !req
730. I mean, look at that.
That's so unnecessary.
Copy !req
731. - You can move on, Erin.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
732. That is just so...
Is that even allowed on the Internet or...
Copy !req
733. I think that's Photoshop, Kate.
Copy !req
734. The trick is
to not take it personal...
Copy !req
735. Dr. Mindy, on the other hand,
had some very high favorables.
Copy !req
736. Vegan*Babe wrote,
"Meow! Me likey hunky Star Man."
Copy !req
737. Uh, some accounts called him
"The Bedroom Eyes Doomsday Prophet"
Copy !req
738. or A-I-L-F, which means
"astronomer I'd like to fuck."
Copy !req
739. I don't see what that has
to do with anything, do you?
Copy !req
740. And that's everything.
Copy !req
741. We did not feature or push on any sites,
Copy !req
742. and clicks overall were below
basic weather and traffic stories.
Copy !req
743. So that... That... That's it?
Copy !req
744. - I knew it.
- That's it.
Copy !req
745. - Thank you, Erin.
- Yeah, no problem.
Copy !req
746. I don't... I don't understand.
Copy !req
747. I don't understand. There's no response.
Copy !req
748. There's absolutely no...
Why aren't people terrified?
Copy !req
749. What do we have to say?
What do we have to do?
Copy !req
750. There are scientists in Mexico and Spain
who are currently going through the data,
Copy !req
751. and, uh, South Korea has expressed...
Copy !req
752. - That's great. South Korea.
- Hey.
Copy !req
753. Let us not bullshit each other.
Copy !req
754. The bottom line is,
you guys told us the science was 100%.
Copy !req
755. It's not. Now we look like idiots.
Copy !req
756. - No. Who said the science is not 100%?
- Excuse me?
Copy !req
757. I wanna talk to this person.
You tell me who said the science...
Copy !req
758. Dr. Jocelyn Calder, the head of NASA:
Copy !req
759. just came out calling it
"more near-miss hysteria."
Copy !req
760. She's the one
who told us not to say anything.
Copy !req
761. "More near-miss hysteria."
Copy !req
762. Is she even an astronomer?
Copy !req
763. She's the head of NASA, but maybe
she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Copy !req
764. She's the head of NASA, but look,
Copy !req
765. she's a "former anesthesiologist
and a President Orlean super donor."
Copy !req
766. Let's not be dramatic here.
Copy !req
767. It's all corrupt.
Copy !req
768. Yes, but the point is that Adul's right.
There's still serious debate.
Copy !req
769. And now the Herald has egg on its face.
Copy !req
770. We've taken that story as far as it goes.
Copy !req
771. Ladies, gentlemen,
I wish you a very pleasant end of times.
Copy !req
772. It's not a goddamn story, okay?
Copy !req
773. We have precisely six months, ten days,
Copy !req
774. two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds,
Copy !req
775. until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub
Copy !req
776. tears through our atmosphere
and extincts all life on Earth.
Copy !req
777. When did you
do those calculations?
Copy !req
778. I put the moment of impact on a diet app.
Copy !req
779. So, impact is when my diet ends.
Copy !req
780. Only I'm not on a diet.
I'm just crying five times a day.
Copy !req
781. - I'm scared.
- Hey, come on. Come on.
Copy !req
782. Everyone should be
panicking right now, okay?
Copy !req
783. - Don't cry. Come on.
- I know.
Copy !req
784. That prick!
Copy !req
785. What happened?
Copy !req
786. Guess my boyfriend just broke up with me.
Copy !req
787. God, what a day. What a day...
Copy !req
788. You're gonna die!
You're gonna die! You're...
Copy !req
789. It started with
a photo many thought was an armpit
Copy !req
790. or the chin of a man with a strange beard.
Copy !req
791. But what's emerging now is a scandal...
Copy !req
792. President Orlean sent
her Supreme Court nominee
Copy !req
793. a cell phone picture of her private parts.
Copy !req
794. - Holy crap!
- It's clickbait material.
Copy !req
795. Is this what you want
in your country as a leader?
Copy !req
796. Isn't she the same person
who told poor people
Copy !req
797. that if they don't wanna be poor,
they should pick better lottery numbers?
Copy !req
798. She actually said that.
Copy !req
799. A source also confirmed to me that
Copy !req
800. the two have been
having an affair for years.
Copy !req
801. And as recently as yesterday...
Copy !req
802. Members of my party
are currently drawing up a formal censure
Copy !req
803. of the president,
Copy !req
804. Janie Orlean...
Copy !req
805. Oh, my God, honey.
Copy !req
806. This guy doesn't even know
what a heliocentric orbit is,
Copy !req
807. and he's calling me a crackpot.
Copy !req
808. He says that,
Copy !req
809. "Jewish billionaires
invented this comet threat
Copy !req
810. so the government
can confiscate our liberty and our guns."
Copy !req
811. "#DontBeScared." Unbelievable.
Copy !req
812. My God.
Copy !req
813. You've been on that site a lot lately.
Copy !req
814. Yeah. I mean, I... I have, like,
a quarter million subscribers, honey.
Copy !req
815. I gotta use my voice
to get the truth out there, right?
Copy !req
816. I'm, uh, going for a walk
if you wanna come.
Copy !req
817. It is called
the scientific method...
Copy !req
818. and it is what created the computer
Copy !req
819. that you are typing
your half-witted conspiracy theories on.
Copy !req
820. What do you think about that?
Copy !req
821. Randall?
Copy !req
822. - Yeah, honey?
- Someone's here to see you.
Copy !req
823. Who? Oh, boy.
Copy !req
824. Oh, my gosh.
Copy !req
825. Oh, God, right. Okay.
Copy !req
826. Right.
Copy !req
827. Are you Dr. Randall Mindy?
Copy !req
828. Yes, sir. I am.
Copy !req
829. "We're all gonna die."
Copy !req
830. Fuck off, please.
Copy !req
831. FBI! Freeze! Get on your knees right now!
Get on your knees!
Copy !req
832. You're under arrest
for breach of national security secrets.
Copy !req
833. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
834. You could've just called me
or showed up to my apartment.
Copy !req
835. What are you, dressed up as a blind guy?
Copy !req
836. - Get on the ground!
- Okay. Now be cool.
Copy !req
837. I just have
more skin pigmentation than you.
Copy !req
838. 'Cause your ancestors
migrated to Northern Europe
Copy !req
839. and developed lighter skin
so as to not get...
Copy !req
840. Unless you assholes
are taking me to the Batcave,
Copy !req
841. fuck you for putting this hood on me.
Copy !req
842. Watch out for him.
He'll charge you for free shit.
Copy !req
843. What's he doing here?
Is he here for us?
Copy !req
844. Gentlemen, you can come in.
Copy !req
845. I think
it was Winston Churchill who...
Copy !req
846. Or maybe it was Bobby Knight
who said, "The great labor of leadership
Copy !req
847. is to lay down one's yoke of pride
Copy !req
848. and admit that mistakes were made."
Copy !req
849. You were deceived,
as was I, but the end result was,
Copy !req
850. we had our scientists who went to,
uh, the prestigious schools of Harvard,
Copy !req
851. Princeton, et cetera.
Copy !req
852. They confirmed the data.
So we would like to offer you a...
Copy !req
853. presidential apology.
Copy !req
854. Really?
Copy !req
855. And we are fully prepared to mobilize
Copy !req
856. in historic fashion
in order to save this planet.
Copy !req
857. The best news
we've heard in a long time.
Copy !req
858. So, basically, what you're saying is
Copy !req
859. you're about to lose the midterms
'cause you got caught
Copy !req
860. sending pictures of your cooch
to your porn-star sheriff boyfriend.
Copy !req
861. So now it's to your advantage
to act on the comet?
Copy !req
862. Right.
Copy !req
863. Okay.
Copy !req
864. Okay. I'm just...
Copy !req
865. God, I'm so relieved
that you guys are doing something.
Copy !req
866. - Hey, come on. Hey.
- This has been really...
Copy !req
867. - Really, really hard.
- Come here.
Copy !req
868. This has been really, really,
really stressful on all of us.
Copy !req
869. Yes, I will agree.
Copy !req
870. This will take some
heavy weight off all of us...
Copy !req
871. Sorry, you just look
so bad when you cry.
Copy !req
872. Maybe, possibly.
Copy !req
873. People are gonna ask
why we didn't act earlier.
Copy !req
874. So you're gonna have
to take the hit on this one.
Copy !req
875. Yeah, but we'll take care
of you down the road, Jocelyn.
Copy !req
876. - We will.
- Of course, Janie.
Copy !req
877. I will resign in disgrace
first thing tomorrow.
Copy !req
878. - Good. Yeah, good.
- That's weird as hell.
Copy !req
879. She's an anesthesiologist.
Copy !req
880. I'm going to make a statement,
Copy !req
881. presidential statement
to the American people.
Copy !req
882. And we're not gonna tell
the press about it ahead of time
Copy !req
883. because that way
it will have the appearance
Copy !req
884. of a breaking emergency sort of...
Copy !req
885. Good things
come to those who wait.
Copy !req
886. See?
Copy !req
887. Whoo!
Copy !req
888. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
889. We interrupt this broadcast
of Jackpot Fiancé
Copy !req
890. for an emergency message
from the president of the United States.
Copy !req
891. Citizens of the United States
and peoples of the world,
Copy !req
892. I have just been handed
Copy !req
893. scientific findings that
confirm a worst-case scenario.
Copy !req
894. An unprecedented comet,
nine kilometers wide,
Copy !req
895. is now on a direct collision course
with our cherished home, planet Earth.
Copy !req
896. Estimated time of arrival
is approximately five months from now.
Copy !req
897. So we have...
Copy !req
898. We've drawn up a massive
Congressional spending bill...
Copy !req
899. I have already put together an emergency
spending package for Congress...
Copy !req
900. that the Senate
and the House have agreed upon.
Copy !req
901. That's good to hear.
Copy !req
902. And that will enable NASA
and our great military
Copy !req
903. to launch a preemptive strike,
Copy !req
904. using decommissioned
space shuttles and satellites
Copy !req
905. loaded with nuclear explosives.
Copy !req
906. We will blow Comet Dibiasky
off her course...
Copy !req
907. But we're gonna need a hero.
Copy !req
908. We're gonna need a pilot, real guns and...
Copy !req
909. Shouldn't this mission be accomplished
using remote technology?
Copy !req
910. Washington's always gotta have a hero.
Copy !req
911. I have asked
Copy !req
912. Medal of Freedom recipient
and outspoken patriot, Benedict Drask,
Copy !req
913. to undertake this difficult and...
Copy !req
914. I'm sorry.
Isn't he the mercenary gentleman
Copy !req
915. that was screaming at all those children
on the White House lawn?
Copy !req
916. Yeah.
He was given the honor of leading
Copy !req
917. the presidential initiative
in getting kids to exercise.
Copy !req
918. Get a little air into it, you lard-ass...
Copy !req
919. You look like a goddamn bunch of pussies.
Copy !req
920. - I'm sorry.
- He's just of another generation.
Copy !req
921. You know, I used to date him.
Copy !req
922. Know what happened to the last pussy
I worked with in combat?
Copy !req
923. You ever see inside a man's torso?
Copy !req
924. Benedict Drask reporting for duty.
Copy !req
925. - Thank you for the...
- He's gonna be fantastic.
Copy !req
926. He's got a great voice.
Copy !req
927. - We're gonna let him make a statement.
- Some are saying this is a...
Copy !req
928. He's got a great body too.
Copy !req
929. - He does.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
930. suicide mission.
Copy !req
931. Well, all I ask is,
Copy !req
932. if I get snuffed,
Copy !req
933. that you all earn
the extra living my sacrifice gives you.
Copy !req
934. The extra living
my sacrifice gives them.
Copy !req
935. - Right?
- I wrote that.
Copy !req
936. Isn't that from Saving Private Ryan?
Copy !req
937. - Yes.
- No, that's something totally different.
Copy !req
938. And special thanks should also go
to this team of scientists behind me...
Copy !req
939. We're gonna need
everybody's help on this.
Copy !req
940. Everybody.
Copy !req
941. All have to pitch in
and push out this message.
Copy !req
942. African-American scientist.
Copy !req
943. Miss Dibiasky, she...
Copy !req
944. And we have Kate Dibiasky,
who the comet is named after,
Copy !req
945. but don't blame her.
Copy !req
946. connects with the disaffected youth
and the mentally ill.
Copy !req
947. - And other marginal groups.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
948. - We'll do whatever we can.
- As long as you do the right thing.
Copy !req
949. We're there for you.
Copy !req
950. Especially you, Dr. Mindy,
because you poll so much higher
Copy !req
951. than your colleagues.
It's wild.
Copy !req
952. He will help us destroy
our common enemy, Dibiasky.
Copy !req
953. Wonderful. Well, I think we're done.
Copy !req
954. Yep, okay. Let's go.
Copy !req
955. Can I say something?
Copy !req
956. We've been dying to hear
what you gotta say.
Copy !req
957. I didn't vote for you.
Copy !req
958. But this is obviously
much bigger than my misgivings.
Copy !req
959. So I will be 100% behind this effort.
Copy !req
960. No matter how offensive I may find you.
Copy !req
961. Hmm. Wow. That's great.
Copy !req
962. Yeah. That's really nice.
Copy !req
963. You know, I did have the FBI
put that bag over your head.
Copy !req
964. They don't do that.
The CIA does, but I made them do it.
Copy !req
965. You know, I had a feeling. I really did.
Copy !req
966. It's a good feeling
'cause that is what I did.
Copy !req
967. - And it was very funny and cool.
- Okay.
Copy !req
968. May Jesus Christ
bless every single one of you,
Copy !req
969. especially the honorable members
of my own party.
Copy !req
970. We will prevail.
Copy !req
971. We're all gonna die!
Copy !req
972. Guys, this comet
is seriously stressing me out.
Copy !req
973. Well, it's coming. People gotta dig in.
Copy !req
974. I already got buyers
for these shovels on e-market.
Copy !req
975. Clean sweep for President Orlean
in these midterm elections.
Copy !req
976. - ... how hot he is.
- Thousand bucks a pop.
Copy !req
977. discharge the duties
on which I am about to enter.
Copy !req
978. "So help you God."
Copy !req
979. - So help me God.
- Congratulations.
Copy !req
980. We have talk of
a Nobel Peace Prize in the offing.
Copy !req
981. He's not hot.
Copy !req
982. Hello, Sammy.
Copy !req
983. Are you really a doctor?
Copy !req
984. Well, sort of. I'm an astronomer.
Copy !req
985. Oh. What is an astronomer?
Copy !req
986. Dr. Mindy, there is
a lot of fear out there,
Copy !req
987. uh, in America, around the world.
Copy !req
988. Parents don't know
what to say to their kids.
Copy !req
989. What would you say to them
to help them understand?
Copy !req
990. Well, I'm sure many of us
are frightened right now.
Copy !req
991. But I can assure you, our best
and our brightest, they're on the job.
Copy !req
992. I've seen the science
on this plan and it is sound.
Copy !req
993. I know your words are a great comfort
to all our viewers, Dr. Randall,
Copy !req
994. and we thank you
for your courage and your service.
Copy !req
995. I'd just like to say
Copy !req
996. that whenever
I feel afraid or alone in this, I...
Copy !req
997. I think of you and I just... I feel better.
Copy !req
998. So thank you.
Copy !req
999. That's my job.
Copy !req
1000. - Tell me we're all gonna die.
- What?
Copy !req
1001. - Tell me we're all gonna die, do it.
- We're all gonna die.
Copy !req
1002. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
1003. So, these two Marxists
wave around the word "science"
Copy !req
1004. and we're all supposed
to do whatever they say?
Copy !req
1005. Yeah, how do we know
there even is a comet?
Copy !req
1006. Mr. Pawketty, Congressman,
this data has been proven
Copy !req
1007. and has been peer-reviewed
by hundreds of world-renowned scientists.
Copy !req
1008. And we're supposed to trust you?
The comet's got your name.
Copy !req
1009. I don't... I don't see the relevancy.
Copy !req
1010. Why won't you
answer the question?
Copy !req
1011. - Answer the question.
- What's the question?
Copy !req
1012. Grow up here, okay?
Copy !req
1013. This is ridiculous.
Copy !req
1014. I've just realized, we don't really know
anything about each other. Do we?
Copy !req
1015. True.
Copy !req
1016. Well, every time I try
to ask you about your life,
Copy !req
1017. you seem to just tell me
about your favorite restaurants.
Copy !req
1018. Well, I... You know...
Copy !req
1019. I just despise the, you know,
Copy !req
1020. getting-to-know-you part
of relationships, so...
Copy !req
1021. Oh, okay. I understand.
Copy !req
1022. Okay, let's just
get it over and done with.
Copy !req
1023. Okay, uh...
Copy !req
1024. Right, so, uh...
Copy !req
1025. My grandfather invented
the flash-freezing process.
Copy !req
1026. So I come from grotesque money,
Copy !req
1027. but I got away from it
by getting three masters degrees.
Copy !req
1028. Uh, I've been divorced twice.
Copy !req
1029. Uh, one was a Secretary of State,
and the other one was a sport fisherman.
Copy !req
1030. Uh, I have slept
with two former presidents.
Copy !req
1031. I speak four languages,
and I own two Monets.
Copy !req
1032. Wow.
Copy !req
1033. Two former presidents. Wow.
Copy !req
1034. - What, my turn?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1035. Oh. All right. My father was
a middle school geography teacher.
Copy !req
1036. My mother,
she cut hair out of the kitchen.
Copy !req
1037. Uh, about two years ago,
our family dog, JoJo, died,
Copy !req
1038. which was really, really emotional.
Copy !req
1039. I can't remember crying that much ever.
Copy !req
1040. And, um...
Copy !req
1041. I finally got my, uh, Star Wars poster
signed by Mark Hamill.
Copy !req
1042. It's in the garage. It's... So, yeah.
Copy !req
1043. Okay, good.
Copy !req
1044. That's done.
Copy !req
1045. Where are we gonna go for dinner tonight?
Copy !req
1046. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
Copy !req
1047. He makes me to lie down in green pastures.
Copy !req
1048. He leads me beside the quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
Copy !req
1049. Not since D-Day have we seen
such a mass mobilization
Copy !req
1050. of unions and resources
for such a noble task.
Copy !req
1051. One cannot help but be moved
by the bravery, ingenuity,
Copy !req
1052. and sacrifice on display here.
Copy !req
1053. Okay, here we go, everyone.
Let's stay sharp.
Copy !req
1054. I just want you to know,
this is the most propulsive thing
Copy !req
1055. that's ever happened to me. Thank you.
Copy !req
1056. What's the holdup, you guys?
What are you waiting on?
Copy !req
1057. Come on, motherfuckers,
let's light this fucking firecracker, huh?
Copy !req
1058. Think I got all day?
Copy !req
1059. Commander Drask,
this is your president speaking.
Copy !req
1060. Your nation thanks you.
Copy !req
1061. Your planet thanks you.
Copy !req
1062. And God and I thank you.
Copy !req
1063. Listen, the only thanks I need
is a shot of Jack Daniels.
Copy !req
1064. And a couple DUIs to magically go away.
Copy !req
1065. This is Mission Control.
All indicators are coming up green.
Copy !req
1066. This is a final warning
to control the launchpad.
Copy !req
1067. Your discovery led to this mission
and our chance to save Earth.
Copy !req
1068. I give you...
Copy !req
1069. the honor.
Copy !req
1070. Thank you.
Copy !req
1071. Thank you,
Madam President.
Copy !req
1072. Citizens of planet Earth,
Copy !req
1073. everything is theoretically impossible
Copy !req
1074. until it is done.
Copy !req
1075. And with that,
Copy !req
1076. we are go for launch.
Copy !req
1077. Yes.
Copy !req
1078. - That's fire.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1079. It was lit.
Copy !req
1080. Hey, everyone, mind if I join?
Copy !req
1081. - Hello.
- Hello, Peter. Hi.
Copy !req
1082. Hi. Oh, Brie, you look fabulous.
Copy !req
1083. As always.
Copy !req
1084. Is he allowed to be in here?
Copy !req
1085. Yeah, he's a Platinum Eagle level donor
to the campaign. He has full clearance.
Copy !req
1086. Launch mission array.
Copy !req
1087. Molly kicking in right now.
Timed that shit perfect.
Copy !req
1088. Ten, nine, eight...
Copy !req
1089. seven, six, five, four...
Copy !req
1090. Three...
Copy !req
1091. Thank God!
Copy !req
1092. We didn't lose
any satellites.
Copy !req
1093. Margin of error
was for two to malfunction.
Copy !req
1094. Hey, Madam President, may I have a word
with you outside for a moment, please?
Copy !req
1095. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1096. Mission success probability
is already increased to 81%.
Copy !req
1097. Outstanding.
Copy !req
1098. Janie, now!
Copy !req
1099. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1100. Peter, I didn't mean...
Copy !req
1101. And a big hello to that beautiful
blue ball down there we all call home.
Copy !req
1102. All those proud white folks working hard.
Copy !req
1103. God bless you.
Copy !req
1104. Just a different generation. Yeah.
Copy !req
1105. I also wanna say hello
to all the Indians out there.
Copy !req
1106. Both kinds.
Copy !req
1107. You know, the ones with the elephants
and the ones with the bow and arrows.
Copy !req
1108. Hey, why haven't you guys ever teamed up?
Copy !req
1109. How cool would that be, huh?
Copy !req
1110. I wanna say hello
to all the gays out there.
Copy !req
1111. - Commander, booster ejection is imminent.
- Huh?
Copy !req
1112. - Let's keep comm on mission.
- Oh. Roger that.
Copy !req
1113. Separation confirmed.
Copy !req
1114. - Separation confirmed.
- Whoo!
Copy !req
1115. Was that French?
Copy !req
1116. Yes, it is. It means, "the angels soar
to the heavens." It's, um...
Copy !req
1117. It's from a 14th-century poem
I studied in Dartmouth.
Copy !req
1118. And just watching this,
it just made me think of it,
Copy !req
1119. and think of you.
Copy !req
1120. God, I can't...
Copy !req
1121. Can't...
Copy !req
1122. Go! Go! Go!
Copy !req
1123. I think I probably should go
to the hospital and see what they...
Copy !req
1124. Launch challenge!
Copy !req
1125. Go! Go! Go!
Copy !req
1126. Everyone, I have just received
Copy !req
1127. some critical information
concerning our mission.
Copy !req
1128. Looks like it's turning around.
Copy !req
1129. No, it's not. It's a course correction.
Copy !req
1130. It's pretty standard.
Copy !req
1131. I was in the Navy.
Copy !req
1132. Nope. It's turning around.
Copy !req
1133. Seems to be
some confusion here amongst the crowd,
Copy !req
1134. but I'm not gonna lie to you.
Copy !req
1135. This reporter
is at a loss for words right now.
Copy !req
1136. It's definitely turning around.
Copy !req
1137. I'm looking straight at it.
Copy !req
1138. Drask's ship is definitely turning around.
Copy !req
1139. Does anyone know
what the fuck just happened?
Copy !req
1140. It's still locked.
Copy !req
1141. I just don't... I don't understand
what could've happened.
Copy !req
1142. I mean, the mission was working, right?
Everything was on track.
Copy !req
1143. Yeah. I mean,
it could've been anything, uh...
Copy !req
1144. Guidance system could've malfunctioned,
uh, nuke destabilized, myriad of things.
Copy !req
1145. Who was that guy that walked into
the Situation Room? He looked familiar.
Copy !req
1146. That was Peter Isherwell, CEO of BASH:
and the third richest human ever.
Copy !req
1147. He's the guy that, uh, bought
the Gutenberg Bible and lost it.
Copy !req
1148. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Copy !req
1149. Things are, uh, extremely fluid.
Copy !req
1150. Dr. Randall, you are now the Chief
Science Advisor to the White House.
Copy !req
1151. What?
Copy !req
1152. As such, you need to attend
an emergency Cabinet meeting
Copy !req
1153. where you will be debriefed.
Copy !req
1154. What about us?
Copy !req
1155. You do not have clearance
for this, sweetheart. Don't trip.
Copy !req
1156. Got you some crackers, some waters.
Copy !req
1157. You don't need to throw it on the floor.
Copy !req
1158. Gonna be three, four hours, tops.
Copy !req
1159. Here, Kate. I don't know
why he threw 'em down. Here.
Copy !req
1160. What if we have to go to the bathroom?
Copy !req
1161. We'll lay out some newspaper for you.
Grab you a can of Febreze.
Copy !req
1162. Short, sweet
and simple science.
Copy !req
1163. I'll be back. All right. Come on.
Copy !req
1164. Science tells the truth, Randall.
Copy !req
1165. Fuck. Do you wanna come?
Copy !req
1166. Yeah.
Copy !req
1167. Ladies and gentlemen,
what we thought,
Copy !req
1168. what the world thought
was an impending and terrifying danger,
Copy !req
1169. turns out to be
an astonishing opportunity.
Copy !req
1170. Our allies are very confused
and demanding answers...
Copy !req
1171. Well, tell 'em to wait.
Copy !req
1172. According to the most recent
spectrometer readings of Comet Dibiasky,
Copy !req
1173. made by the astrogeologists
at BASH Cellular,
Copy !req
1174. we've discovered something.
Copy !req
1175. Something truly miraculous.
Copy !req
1176. Peter. Peter?
Copy !req
1177. Oh, thank you, Janie.
Copy !req
1178. As, uh... As some of you may know,
Copy !req
1179. the most valuable minerals in the world
Copy !req
1180. are fast becoming those that are deployed
Copy !req
1181. in the manufacture
of cell phones and, uh, computers.
Copy !req
1182. Yttrium, terbium, osmium, dysprosium,
on and on and on.
Copy !req
1183. We're running short.
Copy !req
1184. Uh, and the problem
is exacerbated, of course,
Copy !req
1185. because China has her big panda paw
firmly on almost all the mines
Copy !req
1186. that produce
these valuable rare Earth assets.
Copy !req
1187. So you can imagine.
Copy !req
1188. Wow!
Copy !req
1189. Just how happy we were at BASH
Copy !req
1190. when our astrogeologists discovered
Copy !req
1191. and then determined that this comet,
hurtling towards us from deep space,
Copy !req
1192. actually contains at least $32 trillion
of these critical materials.
Copy !req
1193. Critical to technology.
Copy !req
1194. If we're to proceed...
Copy !req
1195. I'm sorry. Is that why
you aborted this entire mission,
Copy !req
1196. is because you're trying to mine
the comet for rare minerals?
Copy !req
1197. I think
we should hold all questions
Copy !req
1198. until the end of the presentation,
Copy !req
1199. and you might find
that your questions are answered.
Copy !req
1200. Yes, Madam President.
Copy !req
1201. When you...
When the other metals are factored in,
Copy !req
1202. the comet actually contains
Copy !req
1203. almost $140 trillion worth of assets.
Copy !req
1204. Buck-forty trilli.
Copy !req
1205. Yeah...
Copy !req
1206. What do these trillions of dollars
even matter if we're all gonna die...
Copy !req
1207. I was about to ask
the same question, Janie.
Copy !req
1208. Why weren't we consulted?
Copy !req
1209. All due respect, Madam President...
Copy !req
1210. Oh, no! What if we're rich and we're safe?
Copy !req
1211. I've gone over it
again and again and again in my head
Copy !req
1212. and I still can't make sense of it.
Copy !req
1213. He's a three-star general.
He works at the Pentagon.
Copy !req
1214. Why would he charge us for free snacks?
Copy !req
1215. One time, I met Sting,
Copy !req
1216. and I swear to God,
he farted right in front of me.
Copy !req
1217. Didn't break eye contact
and didn't even say "excuse me."
Copy !req
1218. And the thing is,
he actually pulled it off.
Copy !req
1219. 'Cause I still found him
to be quite charming.
Copy !req
1220. Guys, we have to talk.
Come on, let's go. Come on, now.
Copy !req
1221. It's insane. Like, completely insane.
Copy !req
1222. It will never work.
Copy !req
1223. I had the exact same reaction.
Copy !req
1224. This is a nine-kilometer-wide
planet-killer we're talking about,
Copy !req
1225. not roaming charges.
Copy !req
1226. Look, I... I was confused and outraged
that they turned this mission around too,
Copy !req
1227. but they've got
Gary Talcamont from Stanford
Copy !req
1228. and Lisa Inez from Princeton
on their team.
Copy !req
1229. I mean, this is next-generation
cutting-edge technology.
Copy !req
1230. Obviously, one giant comet is a major
and existential, uh, threat to our planet,
Copy !req
1231. but 30 smaller meteoroids, we can handle.
Copy !req
1232. Our BEADS: that stands for
uh, Explore and Acquire Drones,
Copy !req
1233. that you see here,
Copy !req
1234. attach themselves to the comet
Copy !req
1235. and scan it with nanotechnology
Copy !req
1236. developed by
Nobel Prize-winning scientist,
Copy !req
1237. Dr. Gary Talcamont.
Copy !req
1238. And then we immediately deploy, don't we?
Copy !req
1239. Nobel and Polonsky prize-winning scientist
Copy !req
1240. Dr. Inez's micro-targeted,
quantum fission, uh, explosives.
Copy !req
1241. You see, deep into the object...
Copy !req
1242. Dr. Inez, would you like
to explain what's happening?
Copy !req
1243. Thank you, Peter.
Copy !req
1244. We've been developing
phase-fission reactions
Copy !req
1245. in the CERN particle accelerator
Copy !req
1246. that can splinter the comet
into smaller pieces
Copy !req
1247. with breathtaking accuracy.
Copy !req
1248. These segments are then steered
and decelerated by each BEAD
Copy !req
1249. into the Pacific Ocean for reclamation
by waiting US Navy ships.
Copy !req
1250. And when these... Thank you.
Copy !req
1251. And when these treasures
from heaven are claimed,
Copy !req
1252. poverty as we know it,
social injustice, loss of biodiversity,
Copy !req
1253. all these multitudes of problems
Copy !req
1254. are just gonna become relics of the past
Copy !req
1255. and humanity is gonna stride through
the Pillars of Boaz and Jachin naked
Copy !req
1256. into the the glory of a golden age...
Copy !req
1257. And is this nanotech work peer-reviewed?
Copy !req
1258. Well, I haven't reviewed the data,
but it's been modeled.
Copy !req
1259. Has any of this been peer-reviewed?
Copy !req
1260. Nope.
Copy !req
1261. Interplanetary, interstellar,
Copy !req
1262. intergalactic existence
for the human race.
Copy !req
1263. Your mouth to God's ear.
Copy !req
1264. I understand the wealth
that they can extract from this comet,
Copy !req
1265. it can end world hunger.
Copy !req
1266. Oh, I see.
Copy !req
1267. - Why are you laughing?
- That's true. No, I see.
Copy !req
1268. So that's the pretty little bow they're
putting around this line of bullshit.
Copy !req
1269. I bet they'll say freedom and puppies too.
Copy !req
1270. - All right.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1271. You want me to quit the mission?
I'll quit the mission. That's fine.
Copy !req
1272. But you have to understand,
this is now beyond our control.
Copy !req
1273. They have all the power.
Copy !req
1274. So who do you want
in the actual room to make sure
Copy !req
1275. this whole thing doesn't turn out to be
a complete goddamn disaster?
Copy !req
1276. Jason Orlean?
You want Jason Orlean in that room? Huh?
Copy !req
1277. I have news for you.
It's already a complete disaster.
Copy !req
1278. They're talking about letting
a comet the size of a mountain
Copy !req
1279. hit the planet to jack up
a cell phone company's stock!
Copy !req
1280. You better take that down
about four or five notches now.
Copy !req
1281. Were you yelling about that mission?
Why were you talking about cell phones?
Copy !req
1282. My friend was just theorizing
as to what's going on.
Copy !req
1283. We're confused too.
Copy !req
1284. That's an awfully official-looking
White House badge you got there.
Copy !req
1285. I don't know why I have this on.
Copy !req
1286. Listen, just tell us what's going on.
Copy !req
1287. I got three scared kids at home.
Just tell us something.
Copy !req
1288. I understand.
I wish I could share information, but...
Copy !req
1289. We're people just like you.
We deserve to know!
Copy !req
1290. They're right.
Copy !req
1291. They deserve to know.
Copy !req
1292. Do you really wanna know what's going on?
Copy !req
1293. - Yeah.
- Please.
Copy !req
1294. - Kate, don't. Kate.
- Kate.
Copy !req
1295. They found a bunch of gold and diamonds
and rare shit on the comet.
Copy !req
1296. So they're gonna let it hit the planet
Copy !req
1297. to make a bunch of rich people
even more disgustingly rich!
Copy !req
1298. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1299. No camera!
Copy !req
1300. everything I could, they won't listen.
Copy !req
1301. Surprise, surprise.
Copy !req
1302. Now, I'm starting to think
you just like riling people up.
Copy !req
1303. I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
Copy !req
1304. Oh, Randall. God.
Copy !req
1305. Where's Brie Evantee?
Copy !req
1306. Shouldn't you two
be playing footsie in a restaurant
Copy !req
1307. that only serves cubes and foam?
Copy !req
1308. Well, she ain't wrong.
You did lose the thread in a big way.
Copy !req
1309. And what do you suggest we do?
An online petition, huh?
Copy !req
1310. You want to hold...
Get a mob and hold up picket signs?
Copy !req
1311. You wanna overthrow the government?
I mean, look at this.
Copy !req
1312. I can't! My head is in a bag!
Copy !req
1313. Sorry, Dr. Mindy.
White House wants her off the grid.
Copy !req
1314. - Come on, now. Look...
- Now.
Copy !req
1315. Wait. What does that mean?
What the hell does that mean?
Copy !req
1316. - What does "off the grid" mean?
- Hey, Kate.
Copy !req
1317. Oh, gosh. Kate! Are you okay?
Copy !req
1318. Teddy, come on!
What choice do I have here?
Copy !req
1319. A man's always got choices, Randall!
Copy !req
1320. Sometimes you just gotta
choose the good one!
Copy !req
1321. Miss Katelyn Dibiasky,
Copy !req
1322. the charges against you are
violation of national security secrets,
Copy !req
1323. inciting a riot,
and destruction of private property
Copy !req
1324. owned by Bojo Mambo's Shrimp LLC.
Copy !req
1325. What? I didn't...
Copy !req
1326. However, the Attorney General
is willing to not pursue prosecution
Copy !req
1327. if you will agree to the following:
Copy !req
1328. "The suspension
of all public media appearances
Copy !req
1329. and incendiary language relating to
Comet Dibiasky and BASH Cellular."
Copy !req
1330. Fine. Give it to me.
I don't give a shit anymore.
Copy !req
1331. Mom. Dad.
Copy !req
1332. I'm so glad to be home.
Copy !req
1333. Unlock the door.
Copy !req
1334. No politics. None.
Copy !req
1335. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1336. Your dad and I are for the jobs
the comet will provide.
Copy !req
1337. The divisions in this country
are bad enough.
Copy !req
1338. We don't want more of that in our house.
Copy !req
1339. Whoa!
Copy !req
1340. - Slow down, kids.
- Sorry, Mom.
Copy !req
1341. I worry about my kids and their future.
Copy !req
1342. Sure, the jobs
the comet's gonna create sound great.
Copy !req
1343. What if it's not safe?
Copy !req
1344. Right now, millions of you are having
these same doubts and questions
Copy !req
1345. about the approaching comet.
Copy !req
1346. That is why BASH Cellular
Copy !req
1347. in conjunction with
the United States Government
Copy !req
1348. is creating a new hotline, free of charge,
to answer all of your questions.
Copy !req
1349. And who knows? Maybe,
just maybe, one of our scientists...
Copy !req
1350. Thank you, Sharon.
Makes me feel so much better.
Copy !req
1351. can be that friend we all need
to lean on during uncertain times.
Copy !req
1352. Call 1-800-532-4500 for peace of mind.
Copy !req
1353. Offer only available to BASH customers.
Copy !req
1354. Details of your call may be shared
with other subsidiaries
Copy !req
1355. to enhance your customer experience.
Data and roaming charges apply.
Copy !req
1356. So, I thought he was
the ambassador. I was just flattering him.
Copy !req
1357. Well, he was a waiter.
Now he's got an ego the size of Texas.
Copy !req
1358. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1359. June, what, uh...
What are you doing here, sweetie?
Copy !req
1360. Had a feeling
something was going on and just...
Copy !req
1361. Well, you know,
we're discussing important business.
Copy !req
1362. - That's what we're doing.
- Oh, yeah, that's really very important.
Copy !req
1363. Oh, can we just
skip past this part, please?
Copy !req
1364. Where you get to feel self-righteous
Copy !req
1365. and we put our tails between our legs.
It is just so boring.
Copy !req
1366. Oh, it's "so boring"?
Copy !req
1367. You wanna skip the part where
you feel bad for screwing my husband?
Copy !req
1368. Oh... No, I don't feel bad.
Copy !req
1369. Randall and I are having a wonderful time.
So, I think the question is,
Copy !req
1370. do we keep having a wonderful time
or does he go back with you to Wisconsin?
Copy !req
1371. Or Montana.
Copy !req
1372. - Michigan?
- Michigan.
Copy !req
1373. You know, um... she is actually right.
Copy !req
1374. That's the only question. So...
Copy !req
1375. Well, June, sweetie...
Copy !req
1376. Sometimes in life things are, you know,
Copy !req
1377. they're complicated and they just...
Copy !req
1378. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
1379. Oh, that was fast, um...
Copy !req
1380. Well, before I go, um,
Copy !req
1381. let me just give you some instructions
Copy !req
1382. on how to take care of Randall.
Copy !req
1383. Uh...
Copy !req
1384. Yeah, here's the Xanax
he takes for his panic attacks.
Copy !req
1385. Oh, gosh.
Copy !req
1386. Here's the Zoloft he takes
for the crashing depressions.
Copy !req
1387. - Not so much recently. Okay, you know...
- Oh! Oh, good for you. Great.
Copy !req
1388. - Uh, this is for his blood pressure.
- Ow.
Copy !req
1389. - Restless leg syndrome, that's a fun one.
- God.
Copy !req
1390. Oh. Appetite suppressant to counteract
the weight gain from his other meds.
Copy !req
1391. And, uh, for America's sexiest scientist,
a bottle of goddamn Cialis!
Copy !req
1392. Ow! Gosh.
Copy !req
1393. Goodbye. Goodbye, Randall.
Copy !req
1394. I guess I'll just tell your sons
Copy !req
1395. that Dad's fucking
the lady on our television.
Copy !req
1396. June, I...
Copy !req
1397. I really thought for a second
that was gonna work out.
Copy !req
1398. People, they wanna
manage the comet to create jobs.
Copy !req
1399. Thirty-seven percent
don't want the comet to hit.
Copy !req
1400. That's actually down by three points.
Copy !req
1401. And 23%, they don't think
there's a comet at all,
Copy !req
1402. and that number is way up.
Copy !req
1403. Not Bitcoin, RatCoin. RatCoin.
Copy !req
1404. I'd like to buy these sunglasses.
Copy !req
1405. You that girl from live TV
who said we're all gonna die?
Copy !req
1406. No. What's your purchase?
Copy !req
1407. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1408. - Yeah, that's you. It's definitely you.
- Yep, that's me.
Copy !req
1409. Holy shit. You're a stone-cold legend.
Word is bond.
Copy !req
1410. I got a picture of you on my board.
Copy !req
1411. Picture on his fucking board.
Copy !req
1412. That's great. What's your purchase?
Copy !req
1413. If you don't have one, get out of line
and make room for other customers.
Copy !req
1414. Can I touch your hair in a non-sexual way?
Copy !req
1415. - Get the fuck away from me.
- Oh, dude, have some... Um...
Copy !req
1416. Call Diogo, he'll freak out.
Will you say hi to my friend?
Copy !req
1417. Dude, he's obsessed with you.
We love you. We don't like...
Copy !req
1418. Can't stand Orlean, either.
Copy !req
1419. - Yo, yo, yo!
- Yo!
Copy !req
1420. What's up? Yo, check out...
Copy !req
1421. Yo, shut the fuck up.
Check out who we're with.
Copy !req
1422. - Yo, bro! What up?
- What up?
Copy !req
1423. I mean, we have a purchase,
but we don't have payment,
Copy !req
1424. which is a metaphor on...
Copy !req
1425. - Cash?
- Also, Phillip, I've been told...
Copy !req
1426. - Right.
- ... that you wrote a book
Copy !req
1427. about your past relationship
with Kate Dibiasky.
Copy !req
1428. Funny you should say that,
I'm working on that now.
Copy !req
1429. It's gonna be called
A Brush With The Devil, and it's, uh...
Copy !req
1430. You calling security
or something, with your eyes?
Copy !req
1431. No. You're free to go.
Copy !req
1432. - That sounds terrible.
- Just like that?
Copy !req
1433. You don't give a shit, do you?
Copy !req
1434. Sure, I do.
Copy !req
1435. I care about DrinkMo's guarantee
of quality service.
Copy !req
1436. Well, we don't give a shit either.
Copy !req
1437. Not one single shit.
Copy !req
1438. We hang and board behind the abandoned
Burger Crown from 7:00 to whenever.
Copy !req
1439. Yeah, we do.
Copy !req
1440. You should come hang.
If you're not a fucking pussy.
Copy !req
1441. Oh, you know, it's me...
Copy !req
1442. - Fuck. Okay. Thanks.
- ... and a bottle of scotch.
Copy !req
1443. It's a joke. But also...
Copy !req
1444. Okay, let me introduce you
Copy !req
1445. uh, to mankind's savior,
Explore and Acquire Drone.
Copy !req
1446. It's incredible.
Copy !req
1447. It's incredible, isn't it?
Copy !req
1448. I call this one Primo,
the first.
Copy !req
1449. It's like my first child.
Copy !req
1450. Primo, my boy.
It's your father, Cronos.
Copy !req
1451. Don't be shy. Come on.
You're gonna be a god in the sky.
Copy !req
1452. Are you at all concerned about
the sync on the BEAD explosions?
Copy !req
1453. Oh, Doctor.
There are always questions and fears, and...
Copy !req
1454. I have a report here from a Dr. Inez.
Copy !req
1455. - If you'd just take a look at this study.
- Oh, thanks.
Copy !req
1456. Listen, a lot of my colleagues,
Copy !req
1457. they've either been removed
or resigned from this project,
Copy !req
1458. apparently for asking too many questions
about this mission here.
Copy !req
1459. So I just wanna make sure that you're...
Copy !req
1460. That you're open
to the scientific peer-review process
Copy !req
1461. and you're not approaching
this mission like a businessman.
Copy !req
1462. - You know? That...
- What did you say?
Copy !req
1463. - I wanna know if you're...
- Did you call me a businessman?
Copy !req
1464. - You do own a corporate...
- You think I'm just a businessman?
Copy !req
1465. Do you think you know me, Doctor?
Copy !req
1466. Business?
Copy !req
1467. This is evolution.
This is evolution of the human species.
Copy !req
1468. - What are you doing bringing this...
- Well...
Copy !req
1469. You know that BASH has
over 40 million data points on you,
Copy !req
1470. on every decision you have made
since 1994, Doctor?
Copy !req
1471. I... I know when you have colon polyps
Copy !req
1472. months before your doctor does.
Copy !req
1473. You got four or five
at the moment actually.
Copy !req
1474. You know, they're not of concern,
but I'd have a checkup as soon as you can.
Copy !req
1475. But much more importantly than that,
I know what you are. I know who you are.
Copy !req
1476. My algorithms have determined
eight fundamental consumer profile types.
Copy !req
1477. You are a lifestyle idealist.
Copy !req
1478. You think you're motivated
by beliefs, high ethical beliefs.
Copy !req
1479. But you just run towards pleasure
and away from pain.
Copy !req
1480. Like a... Like a field mouse.
Copy !req
1481. I'm just trying to...
Copy !req
1482. I just wanna make sure
that the science is sound on this project.
Copy !req
1483. I hope you understand...
Copy !req
1484. Our algorithms
can even predict how you'll die.
Copy !req
1485. To 96... 96.5% accuracy.
Copy !req
1486. I looked you up after we met.
Copy !req
1487. Your death was so unremarkable and boring.
Copy !req
1488. I can't remember the details,
apart from one thing.
Copy !req
1489. You're gonna die alone.
Copy !req
1490. Alone.
Copy !req
1491. If you'll excuse me, Madam President.
I've got some work to do.
Copy !req
1492. What the hell are you doing?
Copy !req
1493. - My God.
- I was trying to do my job.
Copy !req
1494. You are just so lucky
that Peter adores you.
Copy !req
1495. You're with the grown-ups now, Randall.
Copy !req
1496. I can't even follow this shit anymore!
Copy !req
1497. BASH got Orlean to pay
the Chilean government, if I'm correct,
Copy !req
1498. $90 billion to let the tsunami
hit off the coast of the country.
Copy !req
1499. That sound right to you?
Copy !req
1500. Isherwell built
an underground bunker
Copy !req
1501. for him and all his executives.
Copy !req
1502. No, I heard that
they built an escape ship.
Copy !req
1503. You guys,
the truth is way more depressing.
Copy !req
1504. They're not even smart enough to be
as evil as you're giving them credit for.
Copy !req
1505. Ugh!
Copy !req
1506. - What?
- No.
Copy !req
1507. Fuck! You're driving me fucking
crazy, Kate.
Copy !req
1508. Fuck it. We're all gonna die.
Copy !req
1509. movie will be released
Copy !req
1510. the day that some believe
Comet Dibiasky will impact the planet.
Copy !req
1511. And the early word is
it's already a classic, Brie.
Copy !req
1512. Oh, yes.
Well, and what a stellar cast.
Copy !req
1513. - Devin. Yeah.
- I love Devin Peters.
Copy !req
1514. He's great. Everything he does.
Copy !req
1515. - What's it called again?
- It's called Total Devastation.
Copy !req
1516. - It cost $300 million to make.
- Whoo!
Copy !req
1517. - I mean, these movies...
- It's more than you earn.
Copy !req
1518. Tell me about it.
And my friend Farley, he saw it.
Copy !req
1519. - He said it's a ton of fun. That's right.
- Well, Farley likes it.
Copy !req
1520. All right, well, what Farley says goes.
Copy !req
1521. But, uh, first,
Copy !req
1522. and yes, you can tell from my smile...
Copy !req
1523. Stop it.
Copy !req
1524. That America's sexiest scientist is here.
Dr. Randall. Welcome.
Copy !req
1525. Dr. Randall, how are you, sir?
Copy !req
1526. I'm... I'm good.
I'm gooder than good.
Copy !req
1527. All right. So, Randall, we're hearing
that there is no comet,
Copy !req
1528. or that there is a comet but it's
a good thing or maybe it's a bad thing.
Copy !req
1529. We are so confused.
Copy !req
1530. So, could you please help us out here,
you know, oh, wise scientist?
Copy !req
1531. Well, first and foremost, Brie, um...
Copy !req
1532. there most certainly
is a comet.
Copy !req
1533. All right.
Copy !req
1534. And we know that there is a comet
because we have the data.
Copy !req
1535. Um...
Copy !req
1536. There has been growing concern within
the scientific community as of late.
Copy !req
1537. You see, the peer-review process
is absolutely essential...
Copy !req
1538. - If BASH's stock...
- ... for us to get to the facts of... Yes?
Copy !req
1539. If BASH's stock is any indicator,
Copy !req
1540. we don't have to worry
about the peer review.
Copy !req
1541. It is going gangbusters.
Copy !req
1542. And full disclosure.
I bought as many shares as I could.
Copy !req
1543. I advise you to do the same.
Copy !req
1544. You are such a shameless capitalist.
Copy !req
1545. Said the woman who will be
in the brand-new hot tub on my back deck
Copy !req
1546. - when I put it in from the stock.
- You know me too well.
Copy !req
1547. That's right.
Copy !req
1548. Dr. Randall, you sure you're okay?
You want a glass of water...
Copy !req
1549. I don't feel so good.
Copy !req
1550. So I think we'll go
to commercial break...
Copy !req
1551. No, Please, Brie. Don't cut away.
Let me say something.
Copy !req
1552. - Okay.
- You came to the right place.
Copy !req
1553. We like to say things.
Copy !req
1554. Would you please
just stop being so pleasant?
Copy !req
1555. I'm sorry, but not everything
needs to sound so goddamn clever
Copy !req
1556. or charming or likeable all the time.
Copy !req
1557. Sometimes we need to just be able
to say things to one another.
Copy !req
1558. We need to hear things.
Copy !req
1559. Look, let's establish, once again,
Copy !req
1560. that there is a huge comet
headed towards Earth.
Copy !req
1561. And the reason we know
that there is a comet
Copy !req
1562. is because we saw it.
Copy !req
1563. We saw it with our own eyes
using a telescope.
Copy !req
1564. I mean, for God's sake,
we took a fucking picture of it!
Copy !req
1565. What other proof do we need?
Copy !req
1566. And if we can't all agree
at the bare minimum
Copy !req
1567. that a giant comet
the size of Mount Everest
Copy !req
1568. hurtling its way towards planet Earth
is not a fucking good thing,
Copy !req
1569. then what the hell happened to us?
Copy !req
1570. I mean, my God, how do...
How do we even talk to each other?
Copy !req
1571. What've we... What've we done to ourselves?
How do we fix it?
Copy !req
1572. We should have deflected this comet
when we had the fucking chance,
Copy !req
1573. but we didn't do it.
I don't know why we didn't do it.
Copy !req
1574. And now they're
actually firing scientists like me
Copy !req
1575. for speaking out, for opposing them.
Copy !req
1576. And I'm sure many of the people out there
Copy !req
1577. aren't even
gonna listen to what I just said
Copy !req
1578. 'cause they have
their own political ideology,
Copy !req
1579. but I... assure you,
Copy !req
1580. I am not on one side or the other.
Copy !req
1581. I'm just telling you the fucking truth.
Copy !req
1582. This would be a good time to establish
Copy !req
1583. that Isherwell and the president
have both said
Copy !req
1584. that there's benefits to be...
Copy !req
1585. Right, well, the president
of the United States is fucking lying!
Copy !req
1586. Look, I'm just like all of you.
Copy !req
1587. I hope to God, I hope to God that
this president knows what she's doing.
Copy !req
1588. I hope she's got us all taken care of,
but the truth is,
Copy !req
1589. I think this whole administration
Copy !req
1590. has completely lost their fucking mind!
Copy !req
1591. And I think we're all gonna die!
Copy !req
1592. Look, I just wanna go home.
Copy !req
1593. I just wanna go home.
Copy !req
1594. I just wanna go home more than anything.
Copy !req
1595. But if there is one thing,
Copy !req
1596. one thing that I pray...
Copy !req
1597. that I pray that all of you hear
from what I have just said,
Copy !req
1598. is that all of us, all of us...
Copy !req
1599. Why'd you do that?
Copy !req
1600. I really liked you
and I despise most people.
Copy !req
1601. You know, I...
I really thought I loved you.
Copy !req
1602. Really?
Copy !req
1603. Wow.
Copy !req
1604. That's wild.
Copy !req
1605. Yeah.
Copy !req
1606. Ma'am, you need to go.
We gotta get this man off the grid.
Copy !req
1607. You still there?
Copy !req
1608. No.
Copy !req
1609. Well, maybe he just gets off
on the power, you know,
Copy !req
1610. like any kind of power.
Copy !req
1611. It's like he knew eventually that I was
gonna find out that the snacks were free.
Copy !req
1612. - Right.
- You know what I mean?
Copy !req
1613. - Yeah.
- So it was just like a power play.
Copy !req
1614. Yeah, guys are weird.
Copy !req
1615. I'm starting to think that all this
"end of the world" stuff is bullshit.
Copy !req
1616. It's not.
Copy !req
1617. It's definitely happening. I've seen it.
Copy !req
1618. I feel like if God wanted to destroy
the Earth, He would destroy the Earth.
Copy !req
1619. You believe in God?
Copy !req
1620. Yeah, I mean,
my parents raised me Evangelical,
Copy !req
1621. and I hate them,
but I found my own way to it.
Copy !req
1622. My own relationship.
Copy !req
1623. I'd appreciate it
if you didn't advertise it, though.
Copy !req
1624. I won't tell anybody.
I think it's kind of sweet.
Copy !req
1625. - Wanna make out?
- Yeah, why not?
Copy !req
1626. Can you not say "why not"?
It makes me feel like you don't want it.
Copy !req
1627. It's shitty.
Copy !req
1628. - Sure, whatever.
- That's better.
Copy !req
1629. - Oh, my God, that's it.
- What? What?
Copy !req
1630. - That's the comet.
- What? Where?
Copy !req
1631. - Where? Uh-huh.
- Well, that's the Big Dipper.
Copy !req
1632. - That's Venus. That's the North Star.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1633. - Well, what is that?
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1634. What the hell?
Copy !req
1635. What?
Copy !req
1636. Come on.
Copy !req
1637. There it is.
Copy !req
1638. There you are.
Copy !req
1639. There you are.
Copy !req
1640. Is anyone else seeing this? That's it.
Copy !req
1641. That's it. That's the comet.
Look! It's right there.
Copy !req
1642. - That's, you know, kinda scary.
- Oh! Exactly.
Copy !req
1643. - Dr. Mindy.
- Kate.
Copy !req
1644. Doc, you can see it.
Copy !req
1645. I... I'm looking at it right now too.
It's unbelievable. It's...
Copy !req
1646. It's horrific and it's...
And it's beautiful at the same time.
Copy !req
1647. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1648. We've been trying to tell you.
Copy !req
1649. We tried to tell you this whole time.
It's right there. It's...
Copy !req
1650. It's right there, Kate.
Copy !req
1651. Where are you?
Copy !req
1652. I'm in Lansing, Michigan
Copy !req
1653. trying to fix things with June,
but she won't talk to me.
Copy !req
1654. - Where are you?
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
1655. I...
Copy !req
1656. I'm gonna come find you, okay?
Copy !req
1657. Well, I'm in Illinois.
I could be ready by tomorrow.
Copy !req
1658. - Dearest Father...
- Yeah, I'm...
Copy !req
1659. as a sinner I come to You
for Your grace and guidance...
Copy !req
1660. They're finally seeing it.
Copy !req
1661. They're finally seeing it.
Copy !req
1662. There it is!
Copy !req
1663. Go outside into your yard,
onto a roof, onto your sidewalk,
Copy !req
1664. and just look up into the sky.
Copy !req
1665. The star's gonna appear fuzzy.
It's got a long streak coming off of it.
Copy !req
1666. That's the comet's tail.
Copy !req
1667. It's real and it's coming.
Copy !req
1668. If anyone tells you any different,
they're full of shit.
Copy !req
1669. Just look up into the sky.
Copy !req
1670. It's a fucking fact.
Copy !req
1671. - We have proof.
- Just look up.
Copy !req
1672. Guys, please just look up, okay?
Screw the manatees and just look up.
Copy !req
1673. Just look up.
Copy !req
1674. - Just look up!
- Just look up! Just look up!
Copy !req
1675. Just look up!
Copy !req
1676. Dr. Mindy, the president's
plan to save Earth
Copy !req
1677. and make it so we can all have a home
is going to work, right?
Copy !req
1678. Every single man, woman and child
on this planet is going to die.
Copy !req
1679. - I don't like him. He makes me sad.
- I'm sorry about that.
Copy !req
1680. - This is not what we rehearsed.
- Kids, listen.
Copy !req
1681. You tell your parents
that President Orlean and Isherwell
Copy !req
1682. are sociopaths and fascists!
Copy !req
1683. And do you know why
they want you to look up?
Copy !req
1684. Do you know why?
Copy !req
1685. 'Cause they want you to be afraid.
Copy !req
1686. They want you to look up
Copy !req
1687. because they are
looking down their noses at you.
Copy !req
1688. They think they're better than you.
Copy !req
1689. Don't look up!
Copy !req
1690. They wanna rob you of your freedom,
and that's a fact!
Copy !req
1691. Don't look up!
Copy !req
1692. The US president, Orlean...
Copy !req
1693. Just look up!
Copy !req
1694. has not included India
or any other nation in the world
Copy !req
1695. to be a part of this mission.
Copy !req
1696. This dude is a known pornographer
named Kip...
Copy !req
1697. Don't listen to that dumbfuck.
Copy !req
1698. The United Nations have been
considering its own deflective mission.
Copy !req
1699. Just look up, for fuck's sake!
Copy !req
1700. Now I know a lot of Hollywood
is supporting the Just Look Up movement,
Copy !req
1701. but I haven't seen a pin like that.
Copy !req
1702. Yeah, this pin points both up and down.
Copy !req
1703. Because I think, as a country,
we need to stop arguing
Copy !req
1704. and virtue signaling. Just get along.
Copy !req
1705. - That is so refreshing.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
1706. I think
we're all tired of the politics.
Copy !req
1707. Yeah, yeah. Well...
Copy !req
1708. That's why we made Total Devastation.
Copy !req
1709. It's for everyone. You know?
It's a popcorn movie.
Copy !req
1710. You keep your eye on the road ahead,
you put your head down.
Copy !req
1711. And you put
one foot in front of the other,
Copy !req
1712. step by step.
Copy !req
1713. Day by day.
Copy !req
1714. - Don't look up!
- Don't!
Copy !req
1715. So we wanna say something loud and clear.
Copy !req
1716. There is no safe way
to bring this comet back to Earth
Copy !req
1717. and exploit it for profit.
It cannot be done!
Copy !req
1718. Nations of the world,
defy Orlean and BASH!
Copy !req
1719. Launch your own nuclear deflection mission
now and save this planet!
Copy !req
1720. And now, uh, there's Riley Bina
with her special guest.
Copy !req
1721. I forgot the name. Thank you.
Copy !req
1722. Is that a rock-solid ten smokeshow
of a president or what?
Copy !req
1723. If she wasn't my mother...
Copy !req
1724. There's three types of American people.
Copy !req
1725. There are you, the working class.
Copy !req
1726. Us, the cool rich, and then them.
Copy !req
1727. I'm sorry, but we need them.
Copy !req
1728. We need them because
you build us up to fight them.
Copy !req
1729. The working class, the lower.
Copy !req
1730. - You understand?
- No, I don't get it.
Copy !req
1731. Do you understand? I'm talking about...
Copy !req
1732. I'm talking about nutritionists.
Copy !req
1733. I'm talking about personal trainers,
Copy !req
1734. people at the spa,
Copy !req
1735. but not the ones that check you in
and they're not the masseuses,
Copy !req
1736. but they walk you down the corridor.
Copy !req
1737. They're there...
Copy !req
1738. - Divest from BASH when?
- Divest now!
Copy !req
1739. Divest from BASH when?
Copy !req
1740. We will not be quiet!
Copy !req
1741. Hey, good afternoon, Adam.
What do I owe the pleasure of this call?
Copy !req
1742. What time?
Copy !req
1743. Well, uh... Well, thank you for calling.
Copy !req
1744. Um...
Copy !req
1745. Yeah.
Copy !req
1746. What?
Copy !req
1747. What?
Copy !req
1748. Orlean and BASH
cut Russia, India, and China
Copy !req
1749. out of the rights for the minerals.
Copy !req
1750. So they tried their own
joint deflection mission,
Copy !req
1751. but, uh... approximately 40 minutes ago,
Copy !req
1752. there was a massive explosion detected
at the Russian's Baikonur launch complex.
Copy !req
1753. So it looks like the mission failed.
Copy !req
1754. That's it?
Copy !req
1755. What do you mean, "that's it?"
Copy !req
1756. Teddy?
Copy !req
1757. Right?
Copy !req
1758. There is still the BASH mission.
It's all we have now.
Copy !req
1759. Fuck!
Copy !req
1760. These Just Look Uppers
Copy !req
1761. want millions of illegal Chileans
to come across the border.
Copy !req
1762. Don't look up.
Copy !req
1763. The hell is that?
Copy !req
1764. Fucking lied to us.
Copy !req
1765. The president just texted me.
Copy !req
1766. "Don't trip. It's all good. Don't trip."
Copy !req
1767. Hey, now.
Copy !req
1768. You cut my face, you fucking rednecks!
Copy !req
1769. Man, there hasn't been
a car in, like, an hour.
Copy !req
1770. Yep.
Everyone's watching the BASH launch.
Copy !req
1771. What are we doing again?
Copy !req
1772. I told you. We're, uh...
We're gonna go buy some groceries.
Copy !req
1773. The Mills Brothers. Great band.
You know, Duke Ellington found this band.
Copy !req
1774. I think they were originally called
the Four Kings of Harmony.
Copy !req
1775. "Till Then," this is the song.
It's about, uh...
Copy !req
1776. It's about soldiers
going off to World War II
Copy !req
1777. and thinking about home.
Copy !req
1778. Listen to this part.
Copy !req
1779. "Although there are oceans we must cross
and mountains that we must climb..."
Copy !req
1780. "I know that every gain must have a loss."
Copy !req
1781. "So pray that our loss
is nothing but time."
Copy !req
1782. - Okay, I gotta ask you something.
- What?
Copy !req
1783. Dr. Mindy, can I be vulnerable
in your car?
Copy !req
1784. Yeah, go ahead.
Copy !req
1785. I've never met anyone like you
Copy !req
1786. and I feel a connection to you
on a level that...
Copy !req
1787. I don't know,
I haven't felt with anyone else,
Copy !req
1788. and going out on a limb,
Copy !req
1789. but would you want to spend
more time together?
Copy !req
1790. Maybe even get engaged or something?
Copy !req
1791. - Wow.
- Are you laughing?
Copy !req
1792. - No?
- I'm smiling.
Copy !req
1793. - Well, sure.
- This is sweet.
Copy !req
1794. - Why not?
- This is pretty sweet.
Copy !req
1795. And you read
the tea leaves for Dr. Mindy.
Copy !req
1796. - You showed him the algorithm.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1797. You really shook him
with that information.
Copy !req
1798. - How he was gonna die.
- Yeah, it is shaking.
Copy !req
1799. It got me so excited
to know about my own death.
Copy !req
1800. I don't think I wanna know.
Yes, I do. I wanna to know.
Copy !req
1801. You're gonna be eaten by a Bronteroc.
We don't know what it means.
Copy !req
1802. - A what?
- A Bronteroc.
Copy !req
1803. - Oh.
- Okay, people, we have clear skies.
Copy !req
1804. And we are a go for the BEAD launch.
Copy !req
1805. Madam President?
Copy !req
1806. Citizens of planet Earth. Now...
Copy !req
1807. Look at this, Kate. They have wild salmon.
Copy !req
1808. Look at the difference between that
and the farm-raised stuff.
Copy !req
1809. You see how that looks just...
I don't know. Looks fake, right?
Copy !req
1810. Hey, why don't you go find some, uh...
Copy !req
1811. What are the little potatoes called,
the tiny ones?
Copy !req
1812. - Fingerling potatoes?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1813. - I fucking love fingerling potatoes.
- Let's get finger...
Copy !req
1814. Do you wanna say something too?
Copy !req
1815. That was beautiful. Yeah.
Copy !req
1816. What up, world? Jason Orlean,
uh, Chief of Staff, United States.
Copy !req
1817. Um...
Copy !req
1818. I've been noticing a lot of prayers
recently for people during this time
Copy !req
1819. and I commend that, um,
Copy !req
1820. but I also wanna give a prayer for stuff.
Copy !req
1821. There's dope stuff, like material stuff,
like sick apartments and watches,
Copy !req
1822. and cars, um, and clothes and shit
Copy !req
1823. that could all go away
and I don't wanna see that stuff go away.
Copy !req
1824. So I'm gonna say a prayer
for that stuff. Amen.
Copy !req
1825. Just a quiet trepidation
among this much smaller crowd.
Copy !req
1826. I can hear the sounds
of some people praying.
Copy !req
1827. Okay, Anderson, let's go get it.
Copy !req
1828. Yes, sir. Here we go, people.
Copy !req
1829. Ten.
Copy !req
1830. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
Copy !req
1831. five, four...
Copy !req
1832. Hi.
Copy !req
1833. We, uh, got some groceries.
Copy !req
1834. Yo, what was that?
Copy !req
1835. We lost BEAD number 12.
Copy !req
1836. BEAD number 22 failed to launch.
Copy !req
1837. It's fine. It's fine.
Copy !req
1838. We had anticipated a margin for error.
Copy !req
1839. Everything is fine.
Copy !req
1840. I was hoping
we could, um, have a family dinner.
Copy !req
1841. Hey, Dad.
Copy !req
1842. - Hey, guys. Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1843. What do you say?
Copy !req
1844. Yeah.
Copy !req
1845. - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1846. - This is, uh... This is Kate.
- Oh, hi.
Copy !req
1847. - Hello. Hi, Kate.
- Let me grab those bags.
Copy !req
1848. - Nice to meet you. I'm Yule.
- Yule.
Copy !req
1849. I'm FirePuma142 on Twitch. You game?
Copy !req
1850. It's really doubtful she knows.
Copy !req
1851. - You're right.
- Who said I game?
Copy !req
1852. I... I got these for you.
Copy !req
1853. Thank you. That's really sweet, honey.
Copy !req
1854. I'm so sorry. You have no idea.
Copy !req
1855. - I really am.
- I know. I know.
Copy !req
1856. - I've missed you.
- I missed you so much.
Copy !req
1857. When we dated in college,
I fucked Aaron Tran.
Copy !req
1858. Yeah, so, uh...
Copy !req
1859. - That is really good.
- Really good, right?
Copy !req
1860. - Hey, everybody.
- Hey!
Copy !req
1861. - Sorry I'm late, but not empty-handed.
- Hey, my friend.
Copy !req
1862. Evan, Marshall, June,
this is Dr. Oglethorpe.
Copy !req
1863. BEADs have approached
optimal escape velocity
Copy !req
1864. and now approaching Comet Dibiasky
and are ready for attachment mode.
Copy !req
1865. Uh... Okay. All right.
Copy !req
1866. Eight and 27 are lost
due to lateral control malfunction.
Copy !req
1867. Okay, so, now... Now, Peter...
Copy !req
1868. Peter, we're six drones down.
Is this thing still gonna work?
Copy !req
1869. Well, the engineer's assured me
that yes, 24 drones is enough.
Copy !req
1870. Well, how many can we lose?
Copy !req
1871. How many more?
Copy !req
1872. We're being told that several
of the BEADS have exploded on launch.
Copy !req
1873. Got the head seat right there.
Copy !req
1874. You're way too kind, Randall. Thank you.
Copy !req
1875. Big Doctor.
Copy !req
1876. Do you want more wine?
Copy !req
1877. - Hey, cheers, everyone. Huh?
- Cheers.
Copy !req
1878. - Cheers.
- Love you.
Copy !req
1879. - Love you.
- Thank you so much for having us.
Copy !req
1880. Thank you for being here.
Copy !req
1881. - It's so special.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1882. Commence simultaneous
explosive separation stage now.
Copy !req
1883. Yo. Yo. Mom.
Copy !req
1884. Beautiful.
Copy !req
1885. - Thank you, pal.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1886. Yeah, it really is.
And it's really good to have you home.
Copy !req
1887. Dr. Mindy got really famous.
Copy !req
1888. Oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Copy !req
1889. That's right. Okay.
Copy !req
1890. Yep, I was on, uh, magazine covers
and everything. I know.
Copy !req
1891. - You looked great.
- I'll take your shots.
Copy !req
1892. - I love you.
- Love you too.
Copy !req
1893. All right. We need a report.
Copy !req
1894. Need a full status report
on the explosive devices.
Copy !req
1895. Get on it.
Still waiting for a full status report.
Copy !req
1896. All right.
Copy !req
1897. President Qi of China
says that the comet is still whole.
Copy !req
1898. We got four misfires and sync was off.
Copy !req
1899. It's still intact.
Copy !req
1900. What was that?
Copy !req
1901. We've got four misfires
and the sync was off.
Copy !req
1902. Okay. We're all fine. Everyone's fine.
Copy !req
1903. It's gonna be all right.
If you'll excuse me.
Copy !req
1904. Nature calls.
Copy !req
1905. I'm just gonna go to the restroom
for a moment.
Copy !req
1906. Yes, uh, I think
that I should also step out
Copy !req
1907. to the restroom for a moment.
Copy !req
1908. - Should I...
- No, I'll be fine.
Copy !req
1909. Sir, the president.
Copy !req
1910. We need to know
what the mission status is.
Copy !req
1911. She's coming right back.
Copy !req
1912. Screw this. I'm going to see my husband.
Copy !req
1913. I'm sorry. I've got a 20-year-old
daughter. I've got to go see her.
Copy !req
1914. I'm doin' an 8-ball.
Copy !req
1915. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1916. She's coming. She's coming back.
Copy !req
1917. Hello, there's a ship.
Copy !req
1918. In case we were wrong,
and clearly, we were wrong.
Copy !req
1919. Of course you've got a ship.
Copy !req
1920. It holds 2,000.
Copy !req
1921. It's state-of-the-art cryo-chambers,
and it's set to find
Copy !req
1922. the nearest Earth-like planet
in a Goldilocks Zone so...
Copy !req
1923. There's room for you and one other.
Copy !req
1924. Brie, your wife, your call.
Copy !req
1925. I'm good, but thank you for the offer.
You, uh... You have fun with Jason.
Copy !req
1926. Jason?
Copy !req
1927. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1928. She's coming back.
Copy !req
1929. I'm thankful for that night
I fell asleep out in the backyard.
Copy !req
1930. - Woke up face-to-face with a baby deer.
- I remember that.
Copy !req
1931. - Yeah.
- Yep. It was the best day of my life.
Copy !req
1932. I'm grateful...
Copy !req
1933. I'm grateful we tried.
Copy !req
1934. Man, oh, man, did we try.
Copy !req
1935. Well, we're not the most religious here
in the Mindy household,
Copy !req
1936. but, um, maybe we should say "amen"?
Should we do that?
Copy !req
1937. Don't look at me.
Copy !req
1938. I don't know how to...
What, you just say, "Amen"? I don't...
Copy !req
1939. - I got this.
- Wrap it up?
Copy !req
1940. I got it.
Copy !req
1941. Dearest Father and Almighty Creator...
Copy !req
1942. we ask for Your grace tonight,
despite our pride.
Copy !req
1943. Your forgiveness, despite our doubt.
Copy !req
1944. Most of all, Lord...
Copy !req
1945. we ask for Your love
to soothe us through these dark times.
Copy !req
1946. May we face whatever is to come...
Copy !req
1947. in Your divine will with courage
and open hearts of acceptance.
Copy !req
1948. - Amen.
- Amen.
Copy !req
1949. Wow. Youse got some church game.
Copy !req
1950. That was beautiful.
Copy !req
1951. The comet remains intact.
Copy !req
1952. We just never...
Copy !req
1953. Of course, there's only one story
everyone's talking about tonight.
Copy !req
1954. Topless urgent care centers.
Copy !req
1955. Sit.
Copy !req
1956. Or... we can fuck...
Copy !req
1957. or pray, or...
Copy !req
1958. Honestly, I think
I'd just rather drink and...
Copy !req
1959. talk shit about people.
Copy !req
1960. You'll never take me alive!
Copy !req
1961. Look out!
Copy !req
1962. I'm definitely gonna have
some more of this apple pie. It's so good.
Copy !req
1963. It's actually store-bought,
but you really can't tell.
Copy !req
1964. If I'm to be completely honest,
which at this moment, why not?
Copy !req
1965. I actually like the junky taste
of store-bought better than homemade.
Copy !req
1966. You gotta be kidding me.
Copy !req
1967. No, I'm not kidding.
Copy !req
1968. You know what? I know what he means.
It's like a childhood memory thing.
Copy !req
1969. Nothing is better than homemade, right?
Copy !req
1970. This coffee doesn't taste
store-bought. Is it?
Copy !req
1971. I grind my own beans. Yeah.
Copy !req
1972. Yeah, Dad's kind of a coffee nut.
Copy !req
1973. Every time you have coffee,
you have to grind your beans?
Copy !req
1974. Randall is very particular
about his coffee.
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1975. I can get that way about tea.
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1976. Thing of it is, we really...
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1977. We really did have everything, didn't we?
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1978. I mean, when you think about it.
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1979. Hey, oxygen is
actually higher than on Earth
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1980. by nine percent,
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1981. so you might feel a bit light-headed.
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1982. And cryo-chambers were 58% successful,
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1983. which is much better than anticipated.
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1984. Yeah, we only had 47 dead
in our section, so...
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1985. I think this is gonna work out quite well.
Quite well, indeed.
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1986. Goodness.
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1987. Look at that beautiful animal.
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1988. I wonder, are those feathers
or are they scale...
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1989. - That's disgusting.
- What is that thing?
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1990. I believe that's called a Bronteroc.
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1991. Uh... Whatever you do, don't pet them.
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1992. Fuck.
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1993. Mom?
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1994. Mom!
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1995. What's up, y'all?
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1996. I'm the last man on Earth.
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1997. Shit's all fucked up.
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1998. Don't forget to like and subscribe.
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1999. We out here.
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2000. Mom!
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