- 1. Ugh... God damn it.
- 2. This is nuts! This is so crazy!
- 3. I've got a hard cider
and a bag of Crossbone Crunch.
- 4. It's a party.
- 5. I'm... I'm just so,
so thrilled for you, Kate.
- 6. To Comet Dibiasky, right? Cheers!
- 7. It's gotta be, look...
It's gotta be an Oort cloud comet
- 8. just based on where you saw it.
- 9. Probably the last time
it was this close to the Sun
- 10. was long before human civilization.
- 11. Look at the arc on that thing.
God, it's amazing.
- 12. How would we find out the comet's
velocity in orbit, Professor Mindy?
- 13. That is a good question.
- 14. This will be fun. I haven't done
orbital dynamics since grad school.
- 15. Question is, what...
- 16. What would Carl Sagan do?
- 17. He would take it back to first principles.
- 18. The topocentric vector is rho.
- 19. Kate, what are the initial coordinates?
- 20. Twenty-one.
- 21. Twenty-four.
- 22. Thirteen.
- 23. This is fun, huh, guys?
- 24. - Sixty-seven.
- Wow. Now you got me pumped.
- 25. - Dr. Mindy.
- All right...
- 26. How many terms do you have to calibrate...
- 27. Approximation
of coordinates in Marsden, '85.
- 28. Now that we have the comet's orbit,
we will check the ephemeris
- 29. and that will give us the distance
between the comet and planet Earth.
- 30. Why does the ephemeris
keep getting lower and lower?
- 31. Professor Mindy?
- 32. Professor Mindy?
- 33. You know what, guys? Let's...
- 34. Let's call it a night, huh?
- 35. But what about
the relative position?
- 36. I can't figure this one out.
Not tonight, guys. Sorry.
- 37. - Let's hit it, man. I'm beat.
- Me too.
- 38. - Kate, this was amazing.
- 39. Hey, Kate.
- 40. You stay.
- 41. Yeah, uh, Dr. Calder,
- 42. a Michigan State professor
and his grad students...
- 43. This is Dr. Calder.
You pulled me out of a meeting
- 44. where I had to tell my team
we lost eight billion in funding.
- 45. I am so sorry, Dr. Calder,
- 46. but we are seeing some
awfully strange orbital numbers
- 47. on this comet we just found.
- 48. They should be in your inbox, right?
- 49. - Is this it?
- Yeah. This is it.
- 50. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let me get
Dr. Oglethorpe on the line.
- 51. Please hold.
- 52. Uh... Uh, I'm on hold.
- 53. She's calling a Dr. Oglethorpe.
Who is that?
- 54. Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna put them on speaker.
- 55. "Dr. Oglethorpe,
- 56. head of the Planetary
Defense Coordination Office."
- 57. - Is that a real place?
- I have no idea.
- 58. This is Dr. Oglethorpe.
- 59. Yes, this is Jocelyn Calder
- 60. from Kennedy Space Center.
- 61. Hey, Jocelyn.
- 62. Listen, we got a sighting
- 63. of an NEO from Subaru telescope.
- 64. Okay. Uh...
- 65. Why you just didn't report it
to the Minor Planet Center?
- 66. It's a professor
and a bunch of Michigan State students
- 67. who identified something big.
- 68. Really? How large?
- 69. How big we talking?
- 70. We clocked it in around
five to ten kilometers wide.
- 71. About five to ten kilometers wide.
- 72. Uh... That's a big boy.
- 73. And, uh, was this professor the one
who first made the observations?
- 74. Hi, yes. Uh, Dr. Mindy.
- 75. And... And no,
PhD candidate Kate Dibiasky found it.
- 76. I did the orbital calculations.
- 77. I, uh... I study trace gasses
in dead galaxies.
- 78. I haven't published in a while
so you probably haven't heard of me.
- 79. But anyway, that doesn't matter.
- 80. Sorry. What was your question?
- 81. What are the most updated estimates
on its trajectory?
- 82. Kate?
- 83. Um...
- 84. I've been running it all day.
I keep getting the same result.
- 85. A direct hit of Earth
in six months and 14 days.
- 86. Me too.
- 87. Matthew,
what are your calculations?
- 88. Um, Scout program
is saying six months, 14 days.
- 89. We got six months and 14 days.
- 90. And it's roughly five
to ten kilometers wide.
- 91. Which... Which, uh...
- 92. Isn't that...
- 93. an extinction-level event?
- 94. Well, let's not be dramatic here.
- 95. Okay, uh...
- 96. First move is to get
the school field trip out here to DC.
- 97. Let's all calm down.
- 98. I need the person who first had eyes
on the comet
- 99. and the person in charge.
- 100. What?
- 101. share this data immediately
with Cambridge, Caltech and IAU.
- 102. Wait a minute.
This is classified information.
- 103. What's happening?
- 104. I serve
at the discretion of the president.
- 105. Is this really happening?
- 106. and the dead galaxy professor
to Hickam Air Force base.
- 107. DC, right?
Hey! Hey, Kate.
- 108. This isn't happening, right?
- 109. Kate, this isn't real, right? This is, uh...
- 110. This is just some sort
of alternate reality, right?
- 111. Say something.
- 112. I gotta go get high.
- 113. Word is that I need you both in DC fast.
Only plane I got going there is that one.
- 114. Anyway, I am Dr. Mindy. This is...
- 115. - Hi! Oh.
- Go, go, go!
- 116. - Where do we sit, Kate?
- I have no idea.
- 117. Is there
any customary seating for...
- 118. What the fuck? Is this real?
Is this a goddamn joke?
- 119. Holy shit.
- 120. This can't be happening. No.
- 121. - Brendon. You mean Brendon?
- Yeah, Brendon.
- 122. You know, he didn't keep his head down.
It's all politics, Teddy. You know that.
- 123. You must be Randall and Kate.
- 124. Yes. Yes, hi.
- 125. I'm Dr. Oglethorpe,
but you can call me Teddy.
- 126. I'm sorry. Did you say your name...
- 127. - I should call you "Teddy"? Teddy.
- Teddy. Yeah.
- 128. Yeah, we call him Teddy
because he ain't no teddy bear.
- 129. General Themes.
I'm the Pentagon's eyes on, uh,
- 130. you know, whatever this turns out to be.
- 131. The president is famously late,
and you've had a long flight, so...
- 132. - Michigan State Spartans.
- 133. - Is that the Oval Office?
- Yeah, that's the Oval Office, yeah.
- 134. It's a lot smaller
than in the photographs.
- 135. The president
should be here shortly.
- 136. She's already been briefed.
- 137. Correct, Scott?
- 138. That is correct.
- 139. Are we really about to tell
the president of the United States
- 140. that we have just over six months
- 141. until humankind, basically every species,
is completely extinct?
- 142. Yeah. That's exactly
what we're about to do. Yeah.
- 143. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
- 144. Yes, I said law enforcement.
- 145. But I didn't want... I mean,
you told me that he was clean.
- 146. - Hello, Madam President. Dr. Oglethorpe.
- Step back, please.
- 147. Hello.
- 148. Madam President, I'm Dr. Oglethorpe.
I believe Jocelyn briefed you to...
- 149. - Hey, Jason.
- Yeah? What up, yo?
- 150. Come on, man. What the hell?
This is real world.
- 151. Yeah. I know. We need five minutes.
- 152. We have a problem with our Supreme Court
nominee. Five minutes. Thank you.
- 153. Just take a message,
and then, stuff like this happens,
- 154. and I don't know what's going on.
- 155. I don't understand
how many more times I need to tell you...
- 156. Well, there's a bunch of stuff about
their nominee not being qualified,
- 157. but I don't see
any articles about our thing.
- 158. Social media is just going on and on
- 159. about that singer Riley Bina
and DJ Chello breaking up.
- 160. That's just too bad.
- 161. They seem like sweet kids.
- 162. Hmm. I don't... I don't know them.
- 163. Which is...
- 164. - It's a shame though.
- 165. - Do you know them, Kate?
- 166. - But I don't really give a shit right now.
- 167. They charge
an arm and a leg for this stuff.
- 168. - Ten apiece ought to do it.
- 169. - Grab a water.
- Thank you.
- 170. I've got Kate as well.
- 171. - Perfect.
- Thank you.
- 172. - Here's a 20.
- 173. - You got change?
- 174. - I mean, I could ask the Marine.
- 175. Uh, it's a Xanax.
- 176. - I only take a quarter. Otherwise I get...
- 177. - Kate.
- Thank you.
- 178. You know, you should be
careful with that much.
- 179. I'm very sorry. I have to be
in Okinawa by two o'clock tomorrow.
- 180. - What?
- What? Are you serious?
- 181. - This is very important.
- I have to go quell the natives.
- 182. Tell your daughter I said hello.
- 183. Isn't it important that he was
in the room with us? I mean, what...
- 184. Where do I pay for these?
- 185. It's free.
- 186. Really?
- 187. Yes, it's the White House.
- 188. The snacks are free.
- 189. What?
- 190. The general.
- 191. He charged us
for the snacks, but they're free.
- 192. Oh, gosh.
- 193. Why on earth would he do that?
- 194. Hey, peeps, uh, it's not looking
like it's gonna happen tonight,
- 195. and I feel horrible.
- 196. We're gonna put you up
in a hotel somewhere.
- 197. Excuse me, does the president
know why we're here?
- 198. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- 199. They must not know
why we're here, right?
- 200. They know. Uh, but you heard 'em.
- 201. - Do they even realize...
- Be ready for tomorrow.
- 202. how long it took for us to get...
- 203. And then they made us wait
for over seven hours,
- 204. but they never called us in.
I couldn't believe it.
- 205. Of course they didn't call you in.
Kate, have you watched any news today?
- 206. No, I've been pretty wrapped up
in our... project.
- 207. Turn on your TV right now.
- 208. President Orlean is in
the middle of an all-time shit storm.
- 209. Sheriff Wade Conlon
was already a controversial nominee,
- 210. with no law degree and a record
of "shoot first and ask questions later."
- 211. You watching?
- 212. With his background as a nude life model...
- 213. Yeah, I'm watching it right now.
- 214. the White House is in full crisis mode.
- 215. And, get this.
- 216. I found five former students
- 217. who are willing to go on record
that Conlon got noticeably aroused
- 218. when he posed for their drawing class.
- 219. I have no shame in what I did.
- 220. Now, should I say "noticeably aroused"?
- 221. Or "engorged"? Because
I don't want this to read like clickbait.
- 222. You know, this is a real article.
- 223. I just... Kate, can I get
something from you, please?
- 224. Sorry.
- 225. - Out of sorts tonight.
- Can we have this conversation?
- 226. I feel like we're skirting around this.
- 227. Do you have an issue with my mom?
Is that what this is all about?
- 228. You can't tell me what's going on?
- 229. It's just the protocol.
Please, don't worry.
- 230. Oh, Marshall got a 172
on his LSATs and we're celebrating.
- 231. Way to go, Marshall.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
- 232. Whoo! Thank you, Dad. Miss you.
- 233. Hey, how's Evan feeling?
Are the new meds working out?
- 234. - I'm a solid four.
- 235. He's a solid four.
- 236. Well, that's better
than last month, right?
- 237. You know, just remember to speak up
in the meeting tomorrow. Okay?
- 238. - Yeah. I will.
- You get so quiet.
- 239. When it's time to take credit,
you kind of...
- 240. She asked you if you were a lesbian.
She did not say that you were a lesbian.
- 241. - It was a question.
- Hey, look, I'm...
- 242. Can I sit down with your mom
to have lunch in, like, seven months?
- 243. Seven... That's weirdly
specific and distant.
- 244. What is... This is my mom.
- 245. So... Oh!
- 246. I heard there's an asteroid
or a comet or something
- 247. that you don't like the looks of.
- 248. Tell me about it and then
tell me why you're telling me about it.
- 249. You got 20 minutes.
- 250. - Twenty minutes?
- That's you, Doc.
- 251. Go. Now. Go.
- 252. Uh...
- 253. Madam President.
- 254. Uh...
- 255. Approximately 36 hours ago,
- 256. uh, PhD candidate
Kate Dibiasky here discovered
- 257. a very large comet.
- 258. - Yeah.
- Good for you.
- 259. A comet between
five to ten kilometers across,
- 260. that we estimate came from the, uh...
- 261. from the... from the Oort cloud.
- 262. Wow.
- 263. Which is the outermost part
of the solar system.
- 264. And, um...
- 265. And using Gauss's method
of orbital determination
- 266. and the average astrometric uncertainty
of 0.04 arcseconds, we then asked...
- 267. - Whoa! What the hell is... What?
- I'm so bored. Just tell us what it is.
- 268. - What? Stop what?
- Seriously, stop.
- 269. What Dr. Mindy is trying to say is
there's a comet headed towards Earth,
- 270. and according to NASA's computers,
- 271. that object is gonna hit the Pacific Ocean
- 272. at 62 miles due west
off the coast of Chile.
- 273. Then what happens? Like, a tidal wave?
- 274. No. It will be far more catastrophic.
- 275. There'll be mile-high tsunamis
fanning out all across the globe.
- 276. If this comet makes impact, it will have
the power of a billion Hiroshima bombs.
- 277. There'll be
magnitude 10 or 11 earthquakes...
- 278. You're breathing weird.
It's, uh, making me uncomfortable.
- 279. I'm sorry, I'm just trying
to articulate the science.
- 280. I know. But it's so stressful.
I'm trying to, like, listen...
- 281. I don't think you understand
the gravity of the situation.
- 282. I'm trying to articulate it
the best I can...
- 283. Madam President, this comet
is what we call a planet-killer.
- 284. That is correct.
- 285. Mmm-hmm.
- 286. So how certain is this?
- 287. There's 100% certainty of impact.
- 288. Please, don't say 100%.
- 289. Can we just call it
a potentially significant event?
- 290. - Yeah.
- 291. But it isn't potentially going to happen.
- 292. It is going to happen.
- 293. Exactly. 99.78% to be exact.
- 294. Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.
- 295. Well, scientists never like to say 100%.
- 296. Call it 70% and let's just move on.
- 297. But it's not even close to 70%.
- 298. You cannot go around saying to people
- 299. that there's 100% chance
that they're gonna die.
- 300. You know? It's just nuts.
- 301. We should get some of
our scientists on this, you know.
- 302. No offense, but you're just two people
that walked in here with...
- 303. Dr. Oglethorpe.
- 304. Dr. Ov... Ogilvy. Yeah.
- 305. I've been head of planetary defense
at NASA for 15 years.
- 306. And Dr. Mindy is a tenured professor
of astronomy at Michigan State,
- 307. where Miss Dibiasky
is a doctoral candidate.
- 308. - Good.
- I'm sorry. Did you say Michigan State?
- 309. Exactly. They have
an excellent astronomy department.
- 310. - Yes.
- Come on, bro.
- 311. You kidding?
You wanna see my fucking SAT scores?
- 312. Okay, let's bottom line this.
- 313. What is this gonna cost me?
- 314. You know, what's the ask here?
- 315. There are government plans in place.
- 316. Um, actions we can take through NASA:
- 317. Drones that can be outfitted with nukes
- 318. to deflect and hopefully
change the orbit of this comet.
- 319. We must act now.
- 320. Oh, hey.
All right, all right, all right.
- 321. - When are the midterms? Three weeks.
- Three weeks.
- 322. So, if this breaks before then,
we lose Congress.
- 323. Then there's nothing we can do about it.
- 324. It'll be gridlocked.
- 325. The timing is just... It's atrocious.
- 326. Okay, at this very moment,
I say we sit tight and assess.
- 327. Sit tight and assess.
- 328. Let's get some other people
on this. Some Ivy Leaguers.
- 329. And you and I will review the NASA plans.
- 330. - Okay?
- I'd greatly appreciate that.
- 331. Am I to understand correctly that,
- 332. after all of the information
you've received today,
- 333. the decision you're making
is to "sit tight and assess"?
- 334. - I'm sorry, who is she?
- Who the fuck are you? Aren't you her son?
- 335. I'm the fucking Chief of Staff,
Boy with the Dragon Tattoo.
- 336. So I'm doing fine.
- 337. We gotta get out of here.
This place is a freak show.
- 338. I think what Miss Dibiasky
is trying to say
- 339. is that the idea of sitting tight
is an extremely, extremely dangerous...
- 340. Oh, oh!
- 341. Thank you.
One good thing happened today.
- 342. Okay, funny story.
- 343. When I was running for president,
- 344. I had to sneak cigarettes for
the whole first month of the campaign
- 345. because, you know,
photographs of me smoking
- 346. went for, what, a hundred grand a pop?
- 347. So, I'm always hiding, but,
you know, I just got sick of it.
- 348. And I just said, "You know what,
I'm gonna smoke whenever I want to."
- 349. Mmm...
- 350. Guess what happened?
- 351. - I went up three points in the polls.
- They loved that she kept it real.
- 352. They love watching a smokeshow smoke.
- 353. I can't think of another president
that I'd ever wanna see in Playboy.
- 354. Do you know how many, uh,
"the world is ending" meetings
- 355. that we've had over the years?
- 356. Economic collapse, loose nukes,
car exhaust killing the atmosphere.
- 357. - Rogue AI.
- Drought, famine, plague...
- 358. - Uh...
- 359. Alien invasion,
population growth, hole in the ozone...
- 360. Jason, hey.
- 361. - Read the room for once in your life.
- Sorry, Mom.
- 362. Point is, I have a job to do.
- 363. You do understand
that this is an apocalyptic event.
- 364. This is a large celestial body
heading towards our planet at speeds...
- 365. Dr. Mindy, I hear you.
- 366. I hear you.
- 367. - You should be proud.
- Thank you.
- 368. I'm taking it very seriously.
I'm taking it straight in the heart.
- 369. I'm so glad to hear that.
You have no idea.
- 370. Hey, gang, obviously everything we talked
about in here, super classified, right?
- 371. - Yeah.
- 372. Thanks for dressing up.
- 373. You're saying
we're just gonna leak it to the press?
- 374. - Isn't that illegal?
- Hell yeah, we're going to leak it.
- 375. In case you didn't notice,
the White House just blew us off.
- 376. My boyfriend, Phillip,
says he knows a reporter
- 377. from the New York Herald
who will talk to us.
- 378. - Adul Grelio.
- Good. He's a heavy hitter.
- 379. And I'll reach out to more of
the scientific community on the down-low.
- 380. - I just feel like this isn't what I do.
- You're just telling a story.
- 381. Keep it simple.
- 382. No math.
- 383. But it's all math.
- 384. It all started
with a connection.
- 385. A simple gesture that created so much.
- 386. So many choices.
- 387. Sometimes, it can even feel like too much.
- 388. Until now.
- 389. Introducing BASH LiiF.
- 390. Life, without the stress of living.
- 391. Before we introduce
the founder and CEO of BASH:
- 392. please remember
to avoid direct eye contact,
- 393. sudden movements,
coughing or negative facial expressions.
- 394. And now, please welcome
Sir Peter Isherwell.
- 395. We love you, Peter!
- 396. We love you, Peter!
- 397. Hello, everyone.
- 398. All of my life's work,
- 399. really, I see has been driven
by an inexpressible need for a friend
- 400. who would understand and soothe me.
- 401. And you know, now all those years of work
have come to fruition with BASH LiiF,
- 402. our new BASH 14:3, uh, phone
- 403. is fully integrated
into your every feeling and desire
- 404. without you needing
to say one single word.
- 405. If I feel...
- 406. - Sad.
- 407. Or alone.
- 408. The BASH 14:3 phone,
when set to the life setting,
- 409. instantly senses my mood
through blood pressure...
- 410. Uh, heartbeats and...
- 411. Your vitals
show that you are sad.
- 412. This will cheer you up, Peter.
- 413. Oh, that's wonderful.
- 414. That video. Um...
- 415. It also, seriously, uh, schedules
- 416. a therapy session
with a nearby professional,
- 417. so we can make sure that
these sad feelings never ever ever return.
- 418. - May I say something, Mr. Isherwell?
- 419. And to support, uh, BASH LiiF,
uh, I wanna officially announce...
- 420. Oh, give me the phones. They're not yours.
- 421. - Say bye.
- Bye, Mr. Isherwell.
- 422. Bye, Peter.
- 423. Um, I love you, Peter.
- 424. Are you sure the video
of the puppy on the rooster
- 425. is optimizing our prepubescent
sense memory consumer sector?
- 426. I find the bird quite threatening.
- 427. We will cross-check
the data on that, for sure.
- 428. Mr. Isherwell, Paul Debent
wanted me to give this to you.
- 429. He got it from
an astronomer friend of his in Mexico.
- 430. Oh, my.
- 431. What other confirmation
do we have on this, Adul?
- 432. I've spoken to Dr. Oglethorpe in DC
and he confirmed it and all the math.
- 433. Then I showed it
to Dr. Franks at Columbia,
- 434. and he almost fell out of his chair.
- 435. So, look, I have to admit.
I was very skeptical at first,
- 436. but this is all quite credible.
- 437. The calculations are credible.
- 438. Jesus.
- 439. And the president
really said to sit tight?
- 440. - Yes. That's correct.
- "Sit tight and assess."
- 441. She's probably worried about the midterms.
- 442. We need to move fast.
- 443. The feds will claim breach of security,
- 444. so make sure these two
get a pro bono attorney.
- 445. - You can use my attorney.
- You can certainly afford it now.
- 446. We're gonna hire a lawyer?
- 447. - That wasn't necessary.
- It was.
- 448. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
- 449. That was not called for.
- 450. I just have a question here.
- 451. How is it criminal if we just tell people,
- 452. like the public, you know,
what we saw, and tell them the truth?
- 453. Make sure this one gets media training
before he hits the shows.
- 454. He seems a step slow.
- 455. What does that mean,
I need media training?
- 456. They want us on a show
called The Daily Rip
- 457. first thing in the morning
before the article comes out.
- 458. You guys know what The Daily Rip is?
- 459. It's like the best show.
Everyone wants to be on it.
- 460. Brie and Jack have legendary chemistry.
- 461. They asked me to go on once.
- 462. I was so excited
I couldn't sleep for two nights,
- 463. but then they cut me for time.
- 464. Still hurts me to think about that.
- 465. I know what show you're talking about.
My wife loves that show.
- 466. Okay, can you just tell me
what this is all about? Okay?
- 467. 'Cause you haven't read my article
on Conlon getting hard in the art class.
- 468. Now Adul Grelio has come down
from his mountaintop for your thing.
- 469. You won't even give me
a lousy pronoun? Come on.
- 470. A comet, bigger than the asteroid
that destroyed the dinosaurs,
- 471. is headed directly at Earth.
- 472. If it isn't deflected,
the entire planet dies.
- 473. Wait, what did you just say?
- 474. It's for a video game.
- 475. Are you being serious?
- 476. Yes.
- 477. Oh, my God.
- 478. Oh, my God! What the fuck, man?
- 479. I love you too. All right. Yeah.
- 480. Hey, guys,
we gotta keep walking, all right?
- 481. Come on.
- 482. - You must be Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky?
- 483. Jack and Brie are so excited
to have you on the show.
- 484. Really? They know who we are?
- 485. White House is denying
they even met with them.
- 486. Well, assholes will always be assholes.
- 487. Hi, I'm Thalia.
- 488. The Herald sent me
to help with your wardrobe.
- 489. Oh, I'm not wearing that.
- 490. Yeah, you actually have
really great facial structure.
- 491. How 'bout if we trim
this beard down a little bit and...
- 492. I love your hair.
- 493. Thank you.
- 494. How are we gonna do this?
I talk about the discovery and you...
- 495. talk about how urgent it is
that we take action.
- 496. How do we say it? I mean...
- 497. - Shouldn't we practice it or write it out?
- Can I get you some water?
- 498. Yeah, water. Yeah, water would be nice.
- 499. You are here now.
You are here now. You are here now.
- 500. Eleven benevolent elephants.
Eleven benevolent elephants.
- 501. - Just gonna take some Xanax.
- 502. I take it sometimes when I...
- 503. Kate, not this time. Not this time.
- 504. He just needs to breathe
and speak up. You know?
- 505. He's got this. I know he does.
- 506. Oh, God. Come on.
- 507. You are here now.
You are here now. You are here now.
- 508. You're here now.
- 509. Oh, God!
- 510. You gotta
stop drinking the cheap shit.
- 511. - It's only two glasses.
- Yeah, two and a half.
- 512. - We're 20 out.
- Always running late.
- 513. Let's make sure that our eye lines,
- 514. that we're not looking
at Jack and Brie, please, all right?
- 515. And cue the package.
- 516. Two glasses. Here we go again.
- 517. - Ladies okay?
- Yes. And we're live.
- 518. Brie, I've got something for you today.
Listen to this.
- 519. President Orlean's Supreme Court nominee,
- 520. has now been identified
as appearing in a softcore porn cable show
- 521. - from the early '90s...
- 522. called Satin Sheet Nights.
- 523. - This story just keeps going and going...
- Oh, my gosh.
- 524. Is that Riley Bina?
- 525. - Yes, well, it's a...
- 526. She looks a lot smaller
in person, doesn't she?
- 527. Ride 'em, cowboy.
- 528. - Good.
- 529. Hey, everyone. I'm Sean from the show.
- 530. Uh, we're gonna do... Jack and Brie
are gonna do ten on the SCOTUS nominee.
- 531. - Riley Bina, you'll come on and...
- I get to talk about my single, right?
- 532. A portion of the profits
goes to the manatee sanctuaries.
- 533. Yes, but the, uh, breakup first.
- 534. And then Dr. Mindy and Miss Dibiasky,
- 535. you'll come on and talk about
that planet you discovered.
- 536. Uh... Comet. We found a comet.
- 537. They know what we're here
to talk about, right?
- 538. Of course. Jack and Brie
love doing science segments.
- 539. Just remember, keep it light, fun.
- 540. Jack and Brie love having a good time.
- 541. That's not promising.
- 542. You guys discovered a comet?
That's so dope.
- 543. I have a tattoo
of a shooting star on my back.
- 544. - Oh.
- That's terrific.
- 545. We heard about your breakup too,
so we just wanna say...
- 546. We're very sorry, right?
- 547. We're real sorry.
You seem like a... great person.
- 548. Why don't you mind
your own business, you old fuck?
- 549. Okay.
- 550. Not gonna lie, but, um, my friends
- 551. and my Vroom Vroom Army
have been so amazing.
- 552. So, I'm really grateful for that.
But, yeah, I can't lie. It's been hard.
- 553. - You're an inspiration. It's incredible.
- To so many.
- 554. You're really owning that pain.
- 555. You know, Jack, I feel like
there's some kind of conversation
- 556. that we need to be having here.
Is there any message
- 557. that you would like
to send to your, uh, ex, DJ Chello?
- 558. You know, um...
- 559. If there's something...
- 560. - Yeah.
- Right here in this camera.
- 561. Tell him. As if that was him.
You tell him exactly what you're thinking.
- 562. Okay, um...
- 563. Chell.
- 564. I still love you,
and, um, after many sleepless nights,
- 565. three,
- 566. I wanna take you back.
- 567. I'm sorry. Whoa, uh...
- 568. - Is that okay?
- 569. - He cheated on you.
- Oh, my God. You guys...
- 570. Yeah. I do.
- 571. - Diddly just exploded.
- So did Vroom Vroom.
- 572. News just sent me
eight push notifications.
- 573. - About this?
- Yeah, look.
- 574. My phone just purchased
DJ Chello's latest single.
- 575. What the... It just did that without asking.
- 576. I'm being told that
we have DJ Chello live on a Mugg link.
- 577. - What's he got to say for himself?
- I love the producers here.
- 578. Hey, baby doll. Hey.
- 579. - Hi. Hi, baby.
- He's in tears.
- 580. - Your kid messed up bad.
- I know.
- 581. Lady Baroque wasn't wearing
any panties in the club that night.
- 582. - It's fine.
- I just got all crazy.
- 583. I wasn't thinking straight.
I made a mistake.
- 584. But, look, it's always been you.
- 585. Oh! I get it. It's okay.
- 586. I hooked up with her too,
last year at the Music Globes
- 587. right before I ran off
with that power forward from the Nuggets,
- 588. and none of that matters.
- 589. What about "Forget breakup sex.
Try breakup relationship"?
- 590. - That's good.
- Come on.
- 591. "Ten famous second chances
for two-timers," guys.
- 592. It's on a plate.
- 593. I've been scared, but, honestly,
I'm not scared anymore.
- 594. Okay.
- 595. My little bumblebee, will you marry me?
- 596. - Oh, my God. Of course.
- Oh, wow.
- 597. - Chell, of course.
- 598. - Yes!
- That's sick.
- 599. Yes!
- 600. All right, DJ Chello.
- 601. What is happening?
- 602. Just bought another.
- 603. - Who are these people again?
- They're like the biggest names...
- 604. Well, the fireworks
have certainly gone off today.
- 605. - They have.
- What a zinger!
- 606. Yes, they have.
- 607. From a wedding proposal
to a little science experiment.
- 608. I'll need a temple rub
and a martini later on.
- 609. Our last guests today have made
a pretty big discovery in space.
- 610. Astronomer Dr. Randall Mindy
- 611. and PhD candidate
Miss Kate Dibiasky are here.
- 612. Welcome to the show.
- 613. Can I ask you one thing before we go
any further? I have to know this.
- 614. Is there life out there?
- 615. - Can you tell us? Yes or no, final answer.
- We don't have the data.
- 616. But sure, in the vastness
of space, why not?
- 617. Yes, aliens are real.
- 618. I knew I'd like this guy.
Didn't I tell? You owe me 50 bucks.
- 619. I'm not saying there's
little green men in flying saucers...
- 620. - Please don't encourage him, Dr. Mindy.
- That's what he's saying.
- 621. We'll never get out of here.
- 622. Now, Jack was having some fun here.
- 623. - Dad looks great.
- What did...
- 624. - Doesn't he look good?
- They did something with his beard.
- 625. With the aliens...
- 626. Really... He really does.
- 627. - So much.
- Dr. Randall...
- 628. You'll regret it. Now, look,
Jack's just having some fun here
- 629. with the aliens or whatever,
- 630. but there's a New York Herald story
that's just come out that talks about...
- 631. Keep it right there. You're doing good.
- 632. - ... the two of you have made.
- That's right, Brie.
- 633. Kate was, um, observing supernovas...
- 634. Yo, that's your girl?
- 635. - Yeah.
- Not bad.
- 636. an absolutely shocking
and once-in-a-lifetime discovery.
- 637. I had no idea that Subaru made telescopes.
- 638. This has to be exciting.
Tell us what you found, Miss Diabasky.
- 639. Um, I was monitoring exploding stars
- 640. to help measure
the expansion of the universe and...
- 641. - For your PhD, right?
- 642. I saw something I didn't recognize.
- 643. It was a comet.
- 644. A big one.
- 645. It's headed directly at Earth,
and it really likely will hit.
- 646. This sounds very, very exciting.
- 647. Exploding stars, like,
stars actually explode.
- 648. Um, how big is this thing?
- 649. Can it destroy someone's house?
Is that possible?
- 650. Well, Comet Dibiasky, which is
what it will officially be named...
- 651. - After her?
- Yeah, after her.
- 652. - Congratulations.
- What an honor. Congratulations.
- 653. It's somewhere between
six and nine kilometers across.
- 654. - So...
- It's big.
- 655. It would damage the entire planet.
- 656. Not just a house, you know?
- 657. The entire planet.
- 658. Okay, as it's damaging,
will it hit this one house in particular
- 659. that's right on the coast of New Jersey?
It's my ex-wife's house.
- 660. Can we make that happen?
- 661. You and Shelly have
a great relationship. Stop.
- 662. You need to stop.
- 663. I will, but in all fairness,
I actually paid for the house.
- 664. I'm so sorry.
- 665. I'm sorry, are we not being clear?
- 666. We're trying to tell you
- 667. that the entire planet
is about to be destroyed.
- 668. - Okay, um...
- Well, it's, you know...
- 669. It's something we do around here.
We just keep the bad news light.
- 670. Right. It helps the medicine go down.
- 671. Speaking of medicine, tomorrow we've got...
- 672. Well, maybe the destruction
of the entire planet
- 673. isn't supposed to be fun.
- 674. Maybe it's supposed to be terrifying.
- 675. And unsettling.
- 676. No, please don't do that.
- 677. - And you should stay up all night...
- 678. every night crying,
- 679. when we're all 100%
for sure gonna fucking die!
- 680. Hey, Kate.
- 681. I'm sorry.
- 682. Hey, man.
- 683. My brother has bipolar disorder.
So if you ever need anyone to talk...
- 684. - Uh...
- 685. Is she always like that?
- 686. - I...
- Something I said?
- 687. Right?
- 688. Maybe I should have given her
that extra Xanax that I had.
- 689. Listen, if you don't have enough,
we all have enough around here for her.
- 690. A spoonful of Xanax
makes the medicine go down, right?
- 691. That's right. That's good.
- 692. - We're gonna have to get you back.
- I knew I'd like this guy.
- 693. - Is he a plant?
- I knew it.
- 694. Okay.
- 695. Well, the handsome astronomer
- 696. can come back anytime,
but the yelling lady, not so much.
- 697. Not so much. Join us tomorrow
when our guest will be the man
- 698. that many say will challenge
President Orlean in two years.
- 699. Senator Jeff Lerner will be here.
- 700. And wrongly-convicted murderer,
- 701. talks to us about her controversial
third-place finish on Celebrity Dance Off.
- 702. - I thought she would've won.
- Yes. I still think she's guilty.
- 703. - That's The Daily Rip, guys.
- Have a great day.
- 704. - And we're out!
- The show's over?
- 705. - I mean, didn't...
- 706. - Did what we wanted to say come across?
- No, it's over.
- 707. You were great, but I think mullet girl,
she probably needs some media training.
- 708. - Really?
- Yeah, no, terrible, buddy.
- 709. Oh... Thanks. Thanks, Billy.
- 710. Uh, we usually get drinks at Aundrine's
after our five o'clock staff meeting.
- 711. You know, it's fun. You should come.
- 712. Oh, I'll have to see.
Thank you for the invitation. Thank you.
- 713. Mmm-hmm.
- 714. Kate? Kate?
- 715. - Hey. You were awesome.
- Oh, thanks.
- 716. Can I get a photo of you for my portfolio?
- 717. - Yeah, sure.
- 718. Thank you.
- 719. You can see this spike here
- 720. is when Riley Bina
asked to take DJ Chello back
- 721. on the segment before you.
- 722. We saw engagement across
all social media platforms.
- 723. Hmm. And what about our story?
- 724. Randall and Kate,
- 725. your TV appearance got some nice traffic
when Miss Dibiasky cursed.
- 726. But, unfortunately,
there was an immediate backlash
- 727. that quickly became a meme.
- 728. Oh, Jesus.
- 729. - Oh, that's terrible.
- They just think I'm crazy.
- 730. I mean, look at that.
That's so unnecessary.
- 731. - You can move on, Erin.
- 732. That is just so...
Is that even allowed on the Internet or...
- 733. I think that's Photoshop, Kate.
- 734. The trick is
to not take it personal...
- 735. Dr. Mindy, on the other hand,
had some very high favorables.
- 736. Vegan*Babe wrote,
"Meow! Me likey hunky Star Man."
- 737. Uh, some accounts called him
"The Bedroom Eyes Doomsday Prophet"
- 738. or A-I-L-F, which means
"astronomer I'd like to fuck."
- 739. I don't see what that has
to do with anything, do you?
- 740. And that's everything.
- 741. We did not feature or push on any sites,
- 742. and clicks overall were below
basic weather and traffic stories.
- 743. So that... That... That's it?
- 744. - I knew it.
- That's it.
- 745. - Thank you, Erin.
- Yeah, no problem.
- 746. I don't... I don't understand.
- 747. I don't understand. There's no response.
- 748. There's absolutely no...
Why aren't people terrified?
- 749. What do we have to say?
What do we have to do?
- 750. There are scientists in Mexico and Spain
who are currently going through the data,
- 751. and, uh, South Korea has expressed...
- 752. - That's great. South Korea.
- 753. Let us not bullshit each other.
- 754. The bottom line is,
you guys told us the science was 100%.
- 755. It's not. Now we look like idiots.
- 756. - No. Who said the science is not 100%?
- Excuse me?
- 757. I wanna talk to this person.
You tell me who said the science...
- 758. Dr. Jocelyn Calder, the head of NASA:
- 759. just came out calling it
"more near-miss hysteria."
- 760. She's the one
who told us not to say anything.
- 761. "More near-miss hysteria."
- 762. Is she even an astronomer?
- 763. She's the head of NASA, but maybe
she doesn't know what she's talking about.
- 764. She's the head of NASA, but look,
- 765. she's a "former anesthesiologist
and a President Orlean super donor."
- 766. Let's not be dramatic here.
- 767. It's all corrupt.
- 768. Yes, but the point is that Adul's right.
There's still serious debate.
- 769. And now the Herald has egg on its face.
- 770. We've taken that story as far as it goes.
- 771. Ladies, gentlemen,
I wish you a very pleasant end of times.
- 772. It's not a goddamn story, okay?
- 773. We have precisely six months, ten days,
- 774. two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds,
- 775. until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub
- 776. tears through our atmosphere
and extincts all life on Earth.
- 777. When did you
do those calculations?
- 778. I put the moment of impact on a diet app.
- 779. So, impact is when my diet ends.
- 780. Only I'm not on a diet.
I'm just crying five times a day.
- 781. - I'm scared.
- Hey, come on. Come on.
- 782. Everyone should be
panicking right now, okay?
- 783. - Don't cry. Come on.
- I know.
- 784. That prick!
- 785. What happened?
- 786. Guess my boyfriend just broke up with me.
- 787. God, what a day. What a day...
- 788. You're gonna die!
You're gonna die! You're...
- 789. It started with
a photo many thought was an armpit
- 790. or the chin of a man with a strange beard.
- 791. But what's emerging now is a scandal...
- 792. President Orlean sent
her Supreme Court nominee
- 793. a cell phone picture of her private parts.
- 794. - Holy crap!
- It's clickbait material.
- 795. Is this what you want
in your country as a leader?
- 796. Isn't she the same person
who told poor people
- 797. that if they don't wanna be poor,
they should pick better lottery numbers?
- 798. She actually said that.
- 799. A source also confirmed to me that
- 800. the two have been
having an affair for years.
- 801. And as recently as yesterday...
- 802. Members of my party
are currently drawing up a formal censure
- 803. of the president,
- 804. Janie Orlean...
- 805. Oh, my God, honey.
- 806. This guy doesn't even know
what a heliocentric orbit is,
- 807. and he's calling me a crackpot.
- 808. He says that,
- 809. "Jewish billionaires
invented this comet threat
- 810. so the government
can confiscate our liberty and our guns."
- 811. "#DontBeScared." Unbelievable.
- 812. My God.
- 813. You've been on that site a lot lately.
- 814. Yeah. I mean, I... I have, like,
a quarter million subscribers, honey.
- 815. I gotta use my voice
to get the truth out there, right?
- 816. I'm, uh, going for a walk
if you wanna come.
- 817. It is called
the scientific method...
- 818. and it is what created the computer
- 819. that you are typing
your half-witted conspiracy theories on.
- 820. What do you think about that?
- 821. Randall?
- 822. - Yeah, honey?
- Someone's here to see you.
- 823. Who? Oh, boy.
- 824. Oh, my gosh.
- 825. Oh, God, right. Okay.
- 826. Right.
- 827. Are you Dr. Randall Mindy?
- 828. Yes, sir. I am.
- 829. "We're all gonna die."
- 830. Fuck off, please.
- 831. FBI! Freeze! Get on your knees right now!
Get on your knees!
- 832. You're under arrest
for breach of national security secrets.
- 833. Jesus Christ!
- 834. You could've just called me
or showed up to my apartment.
- 835. What are you, dressed up as a blind guy?
- 836. - Get on the ground!
- Okay. Now be cool.
- 837. I just have
more skin pigmentation than you.
- 838. 'Cause your ancestors
migrated to Northern Europe
- 839. and developed lighter skin
so as to not get...
- 840. Unless you assholes
are taking me to the Batcave,
- 841. fuck you for putting this hood on me.
- 842. Watch out for him.
He'll charge you for free shit.
- 843. What's he doing here?
Is he here for us?
- 844. Gentlemen, you can come in.
- 845. I think
it was Winston Churchill who...
- 846. Or maybe it was Bobby Knight
who said, "The great labor of leadership
- 847. is to lay down one's yoke of pride
- 848. and admit that mistakes were made."
- 849. You were deceived,
as was I, but the end result was,
- 850. we had our scientists who went to,
uh, the prestigious schools of Harvard,
- 851. Princeton, et cetera.
- 852. They confirmed the data.
So we would like to offer you a...
- 853. presidential apology.
- 854. Really?
- 855. And we are fully prepared to mobilize
- 856. in historic fashion
in order to save this planet.
- 857. The best news
we've heard in a long time.
- 858. So, basically, what you're saying is
- 859. you're about to lose the midterms
'cause you got caught
- 860. sending pictures of your cooch
to your porn-star sheriff boyfriend.
- 861. So now it's to your advantage
to act on the comet?
- 862. Right.
- 863. Okay.
- 864. Okay. I'm just...
- 865. God, I'm so relieved
that you guys are doing something.
- 866. - Hey, come on. Hey.
- This has been really...
- 867. - Really, really hard.
- Come here.
- 868. This has been really, really,
really stressful on all of us.
- 869. Yes, I will agree.
- 870. This will take some
heavy weight off all of us...
- 871. Sorry, you just look
so bad when you cry.
- 872. Maybe, possibly.
- 873. People are gonna ask
why we didn't act earlier.
- 874. So you're gonna have
to take the hit on this one.
- 875. Yeah, but we'll take care
of you down the road, Jocelyn.
- 876. - We will.
- Of course, Janie.
- 877. I will resign in disgrace
first thing tomorrow.
- 878. - Good. Yeah, good.
- That's weird as hell.
- 879. She's an anesthesiologist.
- 880. I'm going to make a statement,
- 881. presidential statement
to the American people.
- 882. And we're not gonna tell
the press about it ahead of time
- 883. because that way
it will have the appearance
- 884. of a breaking emergency sort of...
- 885. Good things
come to those who wait.
- 886. See?
- 887. Whoo!
- 888. Oh, my God!
- 889. We interrupt this broadcast
of Jackpot Fiancé
- 890. for an emergency message
from the president of the United States.
- 891. Citizens of the United States
and peoples of the world,
- 892. I have just been handed
- 893. scientific findings that
confirm a worst-case scenario.
- 894. An unprecedented comet,
nine kilometers wide,
- 895. is now on a direct collision course
with our cherished home, planet Earth.
- 896. Estimated time of arrival
is approximately five months from now.
- 897. So we have...
- 898. We've drawn up a massive
Congressional spending bill...
- 899. I have already put together an emergency
spending package for Congress...
- 900. that the Senate
and the House have agreed upon.
- 901. That's good to hear.
- 902. And that will enable NASA
and our great military
- 903. to launch a preemptive strike,
- 904. using decommissioned
space shuttles and satellites
- 905. loaded with nuclear explosives.
- 906. We will blow Comet Dibiasky
off her course...
- 907. But we're gonna need a hero.
- 908. We're gonna need a pilot, real guns and...
- 909. Shouldn't this mission be accomplished
using remote technology?
- 910. Washington's always gotta have a hero.
- 911. I have asked
- 912. Medal of Freedom recipient
and outspoken patriot, Benedict Drask,
- 913. to undertake this difficult and...
- 914. I'm sorry.
Isn't he the mercenary gentleman
- 915. that was screaming at all those children
on the White House lawn?
- 916. Yeah.
He was given the honor of leading
- 917. the presidential initiative
in getting kids to exercise.
- 918. Get a little air into it, you lard-ass...
- 919. You look like a goddamn bunch of pussies.
- 920. - I'm sorry.
- He's just of another generation.
- 921. You know, I used to date him.
- 922. Know what happened to the last pussy
I worked with in combat?
- 923. You ever see inside a man's torso?
- 924. Benedict Drask reporting for duty.
- 925. - Thank you for the...
- He's gonna be fantastic.
- 926. He's got a great voice.
- 927. - We're gonna let him make a statement.
- Some are saying this is a...
- 928. He's got a great body too.
- 929. - He does.
- 930. suicide mission.
- 931. Well, all I ask is,
- 932. if I get snuffed,
- 933. that you all earn
the extra living my sacrifice gives you.
- 934. The extra living
my sacrifice gives them.
- 935. - Right?
- I wrote that.
- 936. Isn't that from Saving Private Ryan?
- 937. - Yes.
- No, that's something totally different.
- 938. And special thanks should also go
to this team of scientists behind me...
- 939. We're gonna need
everybody's help on this.
- 940. Everybody.
- 941. All have to pitch in
and push out this message.
- 942. African-American scientist.
- 943. Miss Dibiasky, she...
- 944. And we have Kate Dibiasky,
who the comet is named after,
- 945. but don't blame her.
- 946. connects with the disaffected youth
and the mentally ill.
- 947. - And other marginal groups.
- Thank you.
- 948. - We'll do whatever we can.
- As long as you do the right thing.
- 949. We're there for you.
- 950. Especially you, Dr. Mindy,
because you poll so much higher
- 951. than your colleagues.
- 952. He will help us destroy
our common enemy, Dibiasky.
- 953. Wonderful. Well, I think we're done.
- 954. Yep, okay. Let's go.
- 955. Can I say something?
- 956. We've been dying to hear
what you gotta say.
- 957. I didn't vote for you.
- 958. But this is obviously
much bigger than my misgivings.
- 959. So I will be 100% behind this effort.
- 960. No matter how offensive I may find you.
- 961. Hmm. Wow. That's great.
- 962. Yeah. That's really nice.
- 963. You know, I did have the FBI
put that bag over your head.
- 964. They don't do that.
The CIA does, but I made them do it.
- 965. You know, I had a feeling. I really did.
- 966. It's a good feeling
'cause that is what I did.
- 967. - And it was very funny and cool.
- 968. May Jesus Christ
bless every single one of you,
- 969. especially the honorable members
of my own party.
- 970. We will prevail.
- 971. We're all gonna die!
- 972. Guys, this comet
is seriously stressing me out.
- 973. Well, it's coming. People gotta dig in.
- 974. I already got buyers
for these shovels on e-market.
- 975. Clean sweep for President Orlean
in these midterm elections.
- 976. - ... how hot he is.
- Thousand bucks a pop.
- 977. discharge the duties
on which I am about to enter.
- 978. "So help you God."
- 979. - So help me God.
- 980. We have talk of
a Nobel Peace Prize in the offing.
- 981. He's not hot.
- 982. Hello, Sammy.
- 983. Are you really a doctor?
- 984. Well, sort of. I'm an astronomer.
- 985. Oh. What is an astronomer?
- 986. Dr. Mindy, there is
a lot of fear out there,
- 987. uh, in America, around the world.
- 988. Parents don't know
what to say to their kids.
- 989. What would you say to them
to help them understand?
- 990. Well, I'm sure many of us
are frightened right now.
- 991. But I can assure you, our best
and our brightest, they're on the job.
- 992. I've seen the science
on this plan and it is sound.
- 993. I know your words are a great comfort
to all our viewers, Dr. Randall,
- 994. and we thank you
for your courage and your service.
- 995. I'd just like to say
- 996. that whenever
I feel afraid or alone in this, I...
- 997. I think of you and I just... I feel better.
- 998. So thank you.
- 999. That's my job.
- 1000. - Tell me we're all gonna die.
- 1001. - Tell me we're all gonna die, do it.
- We're all gonna die.
- 1002. Oh, boy.
- 1003. So, these two Marxists
wave around the word "science"
- 1004. and we're all supposed
to do whatever they say?
- 1005. Yeah, how do we know
there even is a comet?
- 1006. Mr. Pawketty, Congressman,
this data has been proven
- 1007. and has been peer-reviewed
by hundreds of world-renowned scientists.
- 1008. And we're supposed to trust you?
The comet's got your name.
- 1009. I don't... I don't see the relevancy.
- 1010. Why won't you
answer the question?
- 1011. - Answer the question.
- What's the question?
- 1012. Grow up here, okay?
- 1013. This is ridiculous.
- 1014. I've just realized, we don't really know
anything about each other. Do we?
- 1015. True.
- 1016. Well, every time I try
to ask you about your life,
- 1017. you seem to just tell me
about your favorite restaurants.
- 1018. Well, I... You know...
- 1019. I just despise the, you know,
- 1020. getting-to-know-you part
of relationships, so...
- 1021. Oh, okay. I understand.
- 1022. Okay, let's just
get it over and done with.
- 1023. Okay, uh...
- 1024. Right, so, uh...
- 1025. My grandfather invented
the flash-freezing process.
- 1026. So I come from grotesque money,
- 1027. but I got away from it
by getting three masters degrees.
- 1028. Uh, I've been divorced twice.
- 1029. Uh, one was a Secretary of State,
and the other one was a sport fisherman.
- 1030. Uh, I have slept
with two former presidents.
- 1031. I speak four languages,
and I own two Monets.
- 1032. Wow.
- 1033. Two former presidents. Wow.
- 1034. - What, my turn?
- 1035. Oh. All right. My father was
a middle school geography teacher.
- 1036. My mother,
she cut hair out of the kitchen.
- 1037. Uh, about two years ago,
our family dog, JoJo, died,
- 1038. which was really, really emotional.
- 1039. I can't remember crying that much ever.
- 1040. And, um...
- 1041. I finally got my, uh, Star Wars poster
signed by Mark Hamill.
- 1042. It's in the garage. It's... So, yeah.
- 1043. Okay, good.
- 1044. That's done.
- 1045. Where are we gonna go for dinner tonight?
- 1046. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
- 1047. He makes me to lie down in green pastures.
- 1048. He leads me beside the quiet waters.
He restores my soul.
- 1049. Not since D-Day have we seen
such a mass mobilization
- 1050. of unions and resources
for such a noble task.
- 1051. One cannot help but be moved
by the bravery, ingenuity,
- 1052. and sacrifice on display here.
- 1053. Okay, here we go, everyone.
Let's stay sharp.
- 1054. I just want you to know,
this is the most propulsive thing
- 1055. that's ever happened to me. Thank you.
- 1056. What's the holdup, you guys?
What are you waiting on?
- 1057. Come on, motherfuckers,
let's light this fucking firecracker, huh?
- 1058. Think I got all day?
- 1059. Commander Drask,
this is your president speaking.
- 1060. Your nation thanks you.
- 1061. Your planet thanks you.
- 1062. And God and I thank you.
- 1063. Listen, the only thanks I need
is a shot of Jack Daniels.
- 1064. And a couple DUIs to magically go away.
- 1065. This is Mission Control.
All indicators are coming up green.
- 1066. This is a final warning
to control the launchpad.
- 1067. Your discovery led to this mission
and our chance to save Earth.
- 1068. I give you...
- 1069. the honor.
- 1070. Thank you.
- 1071. Thank you,
- 1072. Citizens of planet Earth,
- 1073. everything is theoretically impossible
- 1074. until it is done.
- 1075. And with that,
- 1076. we are go for launch.
- 1077. Yes.
- 1078. - That's fire.
- Thank you.
- 1079. It was lit.
- 1080. Hey, everyone, mind if I join?
- 1081. - Hello.
- Hello, Peter. Hi.
- 1082. Hi. Oh, Brie, you look fabulous.
- 1083. As always.
- 1084. Is he allowed to be in here?
- 1085. Yeah, he's a Platinum Eagle level donor
to the campaign. He has full clearance.
- 1086. Launch mission array.
- 1087. Molly kicking in right now.
Timed that shit perfect.
- 1088. Ten, nine, eight...
- 1089. seven, six, five, four...
- 1090. Three...
- 1091. Thank God!
- 1092. We didn't lose
- 1093. Margin of error
was for two to malfunction.
- 1094. Hey, Madam President, may I have a word
with you outside for a moment, please?
- 1095. Oh, my God.
- 1096. Mission success probability
is already increased to 81%.
- 1097. Outstanding.
- 1098. Janie, now!
- 1099. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- 1100. Peter, I didn't mean...
- 1101. And a big hello to that beautiful
blue ball down there we all call home.
- 1102. All those proud white folks working hard.
- 1103. God bless you.
- 1104. Just a different generation. Yeah.
- 1105. I also wanna say hello
to all the Indians out there.
- 1106. Both kinds.
- 1107. You know, the ones with the elephants
and the ones with the bow and arrows.
- 1108. Hey, why haven't you guys ever teamed up?
- 1109. How cool would that be, huh?
- 1110. I wanna say hello
to all the gays out there.
- 1111. - Commander, booster ejection is imminent.
- 1112. - Let's keep comm on mission.
- Oh. Roger that.
- 1113. Separation confirmed.
- 1114. - Separation confirmed.
- 1115. Was that French?
- 1116. Yes, it is. It means, "the angels soar
to the heavens." It's, um...
- 1117. It's from a 14th-century poem
I studied in Dartmouth.
- 1118. And just watching this,
it just made me think of it,
- 1119. and think of you.
- 1120. God, I can't...
- 1121. Can't...
- 1122. Go! Go! Go!
- 1123. I think I probably should go
to the hospital and see what they...
- 1124. Launch challenge!
- 1125. Go! Go! Go!
- 1126. Everyone, I have just received
- 1127. some critical information
concerning our mission.
- 1128. Looks like it's turning around.
- 1129. No, it's not. It's a course correction.
- 1130. It's pretty standard.
- 1131. I was in the Navy.
- 1132. Nope. It's turning around.
- 1133. Seems to be
some confusion here amongst the crowd,
- 1134. but I'm not gonna lie to you.
- 1135. This reporter
is at a loss for words right now.
- 1136. It's definitely turning around.
- 1137. I'm looking straight at it.
- 1138. Drask's ship is definitely turning around.
- 1139. Does anyone know
what the fuck just happened?
- 1140. It's still locked.
- 1141. I just don't... I don't understand
what could've happened.
- 1142. I mean, the mission was working, right?
Everything was on track.
- 1143. Yeah. I mean,
it could've been anything, uh...
- 1144. Guidance system could've malfunctioned,
uh, nuke destabilized, myriad of things.
- 1145. Who was that guy that walked into
the Situation Room? He looked familiar.
- 1146. That was Peter Isherwell, CEO of BASH:
and the third richest human ever.
- 1147. He's the guy that, uh, bought
the Gutenberg Bible and lost it.
- 1148. Sorry to keep you waiting.
- 1149. Things are, uh, extremely fluid.
- 1150. Dr. Randall, you are now the Chief
Science Advisor to the White House.
- 1151. What?
- 1152. As such, you need to attend
an emergency Cabinet meeting
- 1153. where you will be debriefed.
- 1154. What about us?
- 1155. You do not have clearance
for this, sweetheart. Don't trip.
- 1156. Got you some crackers, some waters.
- 1157. You don't need to throw it on the floor.
- 1158. Gonna be three, four hours, tops.
- 1159. Here, Kate. I don't know
why he threw 'em down. Here.
- 1160. What if we have to go to the bathroom?
- 1161. We'll lay out some newspaper for you.
Grab you a can of Febreze.
- 1162. Short, sweet
and simple science.
- 1163. I'll be back. All right. Come on.
- 1164. Science tells the truth, Randall.
- 1165. Fuck. Do you wanna come?
- 1166. Yeah.
- 1167. Ladies and gentlemen,
what we thought,
- 1168. what the world thought
was an impending and terrifying danger,
- 1169. turns out to be
an astonishing opportunity.
- 1170. Our allies are very confused
and demanding answers...
- 1171. Well, tell 'em to wait.
- 1172. According to the most recent
spectrometer readings of Comet Dibiasky,
- 1173. made by the astrogeologists
at BASH Cellular,
- 1174. we've discovered something.
- 1175. Something truly miraculous.
- 1176. Peter. Peter?
- 1177. Oh, thank you, Janie.
- 1178. As, uh... As some of you may know,
- 1179. the most valuable minerals in the world
- 1180. are fast becoming those that are deployed
- 1181. in the manufacture
of cell phones and, uh, computers.
- 1182. Yttrium, terbium, osmium, dysprosium,
on and on and on.
- 1183. We're running short.
- 1184. Uh, and the problem
is exacerbated, of course,
- 1185. because China has her big panda paw
firmly on almost all the mines
- 1186. that produce
these valuable rare Earth assets.
- 1187. So you can imagine.
- 1188. Wow!
- 1189. Just how happy we were at BASH
- 1190. when our astrogeologists discovered
- 1191. and then determined that this comet,
hurtling towards us from deep space,
- 1192. actually contains at least $32 trillion
of these critical materials.
- 1193. Critical to technology.
- 1194. If we're to proceed...
- 1195. I'm sorry. Is that why
you aborted this entire mission,
- 1196. is because you're trying to mine
the comet for rare minerals?
- 1197. I think
we should hold all questions
- 1198. until the end of the presentation,
- 1199. and you might find
that your questions are answered.
- 1200. Yes, Madam President.
- 1201. When you...
When the other metals are factored in,
- 1202. the comet actually contains
- 1203. almost $140 trillion worth of assets.
- 1204. Buck-forty trilli.
- 1205. Yeah...
- 1206. What do these trillions of dollars
even matter if we're all gonna die...
- 1207. I was about to ask
the same question, Janie.
- 1208. Why weren't we consulted?
- 1209. All due respect, Madam President...
- 1210. Oh, no! What if we're rich and we're safe?
- 1211. I've gone over it
again and again and again in my head
- 1212. and I still can't make sense of it.
- 1213. He's a three-star general.
He works at the Pentagon.
- 1214. Why would he charge us for free snacks?
- 1215. One time, I met Sting,
- 1216. and I swear to God,
he farted right in front of me.
- 1217. Didn't break eye contact
and didn't even say "excuse me."
- 1218. And the thing is,
he actually pulled it off.
- 1219. 'Cause I still found him
to be quite charming.
- 1220. Guys, we have to talk.
Come on, let's go. Come on, now.
- 1221. It's insane. Like, completely insane.
- 1222. It will never work.
- 1223. I had the exact same reaction.
- 1224. This is a nine-kilometer-wide
planet-killer we're talking about,
- 1225. not roaming charges.
- 1226. Look, I... I was confused and outraged
that they turned this mission around too,
- 1227. but they've got
Gary Talcamont from Stanford
- 1228. and Lisa Inez from Princeton
on their team.
- 1229. I mean, this is next-generation
- 1230. Obviously, one giant comet is a major
and existential, uh, threat to our planet,
- 1231. but 30 smaller meteoroids, we can handle.
- 1232. Our BEADS: that stands for
uh, Explore and Acquire Drones,
- 1233. that you see here,
- 1234. attach themselves to the comet
- 1235. and scan it with nanotechnology
- 1236. developed by
Nobel Prize-winning scientist,
- 1237. Dr. Gary Talcamont.
- 1238. And then we immediately deploy, don't we?
- 1239. Nobel and Polonsky prize-winning scientist
- 1240. Dr. Inez's micro-targeted,
quantum fission, uh, explosives.
- 1241. You see, deep into the object...
- 1242. Dr. Inez, would you like
to explain what's happening?
- 1243. Thank you, Peter.
- 1244. We've been developing
- 1245. in the CERN particle accelerator
- 1246. that can splinter the comet
into smaller pieces
- 1247. with breathtaking accuracy.
- 1248. These segments are then steered
and decelerated by each BEAD
- 1249. into the Pacific Ocean for reclamation
by waiting US Navy ships.
- 1250. And when these... Thank you.
- 1251. And when these treasures
from heaven are claimed,
- 1252. poverty as we know it,
social injustice, loss of biodiversity,
- 1253. all these multitudes of problems
- 1254. are just gonna become relics of the past
- 1255. and humanity is gonna stride through
the Pillars of Boaz and Jachin naked
- 1256. into the the glory of a golden age...
- 1257. And is this nanotech work peer-reviewed?
- 1258. Well, I haven't reviewed the data,
but it's been modeled.
- 1259. Has any of this been peer-reviewed?
- 1260. Nope.
- 1261. Interplanetary, interstellar,
- 1262. intergalactic existence
for the human race.
- 1263. Your mouth to God's ear.
- 1264. I understand the wealth
that they can extract from this comet,
- 1265. it can end world hunger.
- 1266. Oh, I see.
- 1267. - Why are you laughing?
- That's true. No, I see.
- 1268. So that's the pretty little bow they're
putting around this line of bullshit.
- 1269. I bet they'll say freedom and puppies too.
- 1270. - All right.
- 1271. You want me to quit the mission?
I'll quit the mission. That's fine.
- 1272. But you have to understand,
this is now beyond our control.
- 1273. They have all the power.
- 1274. So who do you want
in the actual room to make sure
- 1275. this whole thing doesn't turn out to be
a complete goddamn disaster?
- 1276. Jason Orlean?
You want Jason Orlean in that room? Huh?
- 1277. I have news for you.
It's already a complete disaster.
- 1278. They're talking about letting
a comet the size of a mountain
- 1279. hit the planet to jack up
a cell phone company's stock!
- 1280. You better take that down
about four or five notches now.
- 1281. Were you yelling about that mission?
Why were you talking about cell phones?
- 1282. My friend was just theorizing
as to what's going on.
- 1283. We're confused too.
- 1284. That's an awfully official-looking
White House badge you got there.
- 1285. I don't know why I have this on.
- 1286. Listen, just tell us what's going on.
- 1287. I got three scared kids at home.
Just tell us something.
- 1288. I understand.
I wish I could share information, but...
- 1289. We're people just like you.
We deserve to know!
- 1290. They're right.
- 1291. They deserve to know.
- 1292. Do you really wanna know what's going on?
- 1293. - Yeah.
- 1294. - Kate, don't. Kate.
- 1295. They found a bunch of gold and diamonds
and rare shit on the comet.
- 1296. So they're gonna let it hit the planet
- 1297. to make a bunch of rich people
even more disgustingly rich!
- 1298. Fuck you!
- 1299. No camera!
- 1300. everything I could, they won't listen.
- 1301. Surprise, surprise.
- 1302. Now, I'm starting to think
you just like riling people up.
- 1303. I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.
- 1304. Oh, Randall. God.
- 1305. Where's Brie Evantee?
- 1306. Shouldn't you two
be playing footsie in a restaurant
- 1307. that only serves cubes and foam?
- 1308. Well, she ain't wrong.
You did lose the thread in a big way.
- 1309. And what do you suggest we do?
An online petition, huh?
- 1310. You want to hold...
Get a mob and hold up picket signs?
- 1311. You wanna overthrow the government?
I mean, look at this.
- 1312. I can't! My head is in a bag!
- 1313. Sorry, Dr. Mindy.
White House wants her off the grid.
- 1314. - Come on, now. Look...
- 1315. Wait. What does that mean?
What the hell does that mean?
- 1316. - What does "off the grid" mean?
- Hey, Kate.
- 1317. Oh, gosh. Kate! Are you okay?
- 1318. Teddy, come on!
What choice do I have here?
- 1319. A man's always got choices, Randall!
- 1320. Sometimes you just gotta
choose the good one!
- 1321. Miss Katelyn Dibiasky,
- 1322. the charges against you are
violation of national security secrets,
- 1323. inciting a riot,
and destruction of private property
- 1324. owned by Bojo Mambo's Shrimp LLC.
- 1325. What? I didn't...
- 1326. However, the Attorney General
is willing to not pursue prosecution
- 1327. if you will agree to the following:
- 1328. "The suspension
of all public media appearances
- 1329. and incendiary language relating to
Comet Dibiasky and BASH Cellular."
- 1330. Fine. Give it to me.
I don't give a shit anymore.
- 1331. Mom. Dad.
- 1332. I'm so glad to be home.
- 1333. Unlock the door.
- 1334. No politics. None.
- 1335. What are you talking about?
- 1336. Your dad and I are for the jobs
the comet will provide.
- 1337. The divisions in this country
are bad enough.
- 1338. We don't want more of that in our house.
- 1339. Whoa!
- 1340. - Slow down, kids.
- Sorry, Mom.
- 1341. I worry about my kids and their future.
- 1342. Sure, the jobs
the comet's gonna create sound great.
- 1343. What if it's not safe?
- 1344. Right now, millions of you are having
these same doubts and questions
- 1345. about the approaching comet.
- 1346. That is why BASH Cellular
- 1347. in conjunction with
the United States Government
- 1348. is creating a new hotline, free of charge,
to answer all of your questions.
- 1349. And who knows? Maybe,
just maybe, one of our scientists...
- 1350. Thank you, Sharon.
Makes me feel so much better.
- 1351. can be that friend we all need
to lean on during uncertain times.
- 1352. Call 1-800-532-4500 for peace of mind.
- 1353. Offer only available to BASH customers.
- 1354. Details of your call may be shared
with other subsidiaries
- 1355. to enhance your customer experience.
Data and roaming charges apply.
- 1356. So, I thought he was
the ambassador. I was just flattering him.
- 1357. Well, he was a waiter.
Now he's got an ego the size of Texas.
- 1358. Oh, my God.
- 1359. June, what, uh...
What are you doing here, sweetie?
- 1360. Had a feeling
something was going on and just...
- 1361. Well, you know,
we're discussing important business.
- 1362. - That's what we're doing.
- Oh, yeah, that's really very important.
- 1363. Oh, can we just
skip past this part, please?
- 1364. Where you get to feel self-righteous
- 1365. and we put our tails between our legs.
It is just so boring.
- 1366. Oh, it's "so boring"?
- 1367. You wanna skip the part where
you feel bad for screwing my husband?
- 1368. Oh... No, I don't feel bad.
- 1369. Randall and I are having a wonderful time.
So, I think the question is,
- 1370. do we keep having a wonderful time
or does he go back with you to Wisconsin?
- 1371. Or Montana.
- 1372. - Michigan?
- 1373. You know, um... she is actually right.
- 1374. That's the only question. So...
- 1375. Well, June, sweetie...
- 1376. Sometimes in life things are, you know,
- 1377. they're complicated and they just...
- 1378. Oh, okay.
- 1379. Oh, that was fast, um...
- 1380. Well, before I go, um,
- 1381. let me just give you some instructions
- 1382. on how to take care of Randall.
- 1383. Uh...
- 1384. Yeah, here's the Xanax
he takes for his panic attacks.
- 1385. Oh, gosh.
- 1386. Here's the Zoloft he takes
for the crashing depressions.
- 1387. - Not so much recently. Okay, you know...
- Oh! Oh, good for you. Great.
- 1388. - Uh, this is for his blood pressure.
- 1389. - Restless leg syndrome, that's a fun one.
- 1390. Oh. Appetite suppressant to counteract
the weight gain from his other meds.
- 1391. And, uh, for America's sexiest scientist,
a bottle of goddamn Cialis!
- 1392. Ow! Gosh.
- 1393. Goodbye. Goodbye, Randall.
- 1394. I guess I'll just tell your sons
- 1395. that Dad's fucking
the lady on our television.
- 1396. June, I...
- 1397. I really thought for a second
that was gonna work out.
- 1398. People, they wanna
manage the comet to create jobs.
- 1399. Thirty-seven percent
don't want the comet to hit.
- 1400. That's actually down by three points.
- 1401. And 23%, they don't think
there's a comet at all,
- 1402. and that number is way up.
- 1403. Not Bitcoin, RatCoin. RatCoin.
- 1404. I'd like to buy these sunglasses.
- 1405. You that girl from live TV
who said we're all gonna die?
- 1406. No. What's your purchase?
- 1407. What the fuck?
- 1408. - Yeah, that's you. It's definitely you.
- Yep, that's me.
- 1409. Holy shit. You're a stone-cold legend.
Word is bond.
- 1410. I got a picture of you on my board.
- 1411. Picture on his fucking board.
- 1412. That's great. What's your purchase?
- 1413. If you don't have one, get out of line
and make room for other customers.
- 1414. Can I touch your hair in a non-sexual way?
- 1415. - Get the fuck away from me.
- Oh, dude, have some... Um...
- 1416. Call Diogo, he'll freak out.
Will you say hi to my friend?
- 1417. Dude, he's obsessed with you.
We love you. We don't like...
- 1418. Can't stand Orlean, either.
- 1419. - Yo, yo, yo!
- 1420. What's up? Yo, check out...
- 1421. Yo, shut the fuck up.
Check out who we're with.
- 1422. - Yo, bro! What up?
- What up?
- 1423. I mean, we have a purchase,
but we don't have payment,
- 1424. which is a metaphor on...
- 1425. - Cash?
- Also, Phillip, I've been told...
- 1426. - Right.
- ... that you wrote a book
- 1427. about your past relationship
with Kate Dibiasky.
- 1428. Funny you should say that,
I'm working on that now.
- 1429. It's gonna be called
A Brush With The Devil, and it's, uh...
- 1430. You calling security
or something, with your eyes?
- 1431. No. You're free to go.
- 1432. - That sounds terrible.
- Just like that?
- 1433. You don't give a shit, do you?
- 1434. Sure, I do.
- 1435. I care about DrinkMo's guarantee
of quality service.
- 1436. Well, we don't give a shit either.
- 1437. Not one single shit.
- 1438. We hang and board behind the abandoned
Burger Crown from 7:00 to whenever.
- 1439. Yeah, we do.
- 1440. You should come hang.
If you're not a fucking pussy.
- 1441. Oh, you know, it's me...
- 1442. - Fuck. Okay. Thanks.
- ... and a bottle of scotch.
- 1443. It's a joke. But also...
- 1444. Okay, let me introduce you
- 1445. uh, to mankind's savior,
Explore and Acquire Drone.
- 1446. It's incredible.
- 1447. It's incredible, isn't it?
- 1448. I call this one Primo,
- 1449. It's like my first child.
- 1450. Primo, my boy.
It's your father, Cronos.
- 1451. Don't be shy. Come on.
You're gonna be a god in the sky.
- 1452. Are you at all concerned about
the sync on the BEAD explosions?
- 1453. Oh, Doctor.
There are always questions and fears, and...
- 1454. I have a report here from a Dr. Inez.
- 1455. - If you'd just take a look at this study.
- Oh, thanks.
- 1456. Listen, a lot of my colleagues,
- 1457. they've either been removed
or resigned from this project,
- 1458. apparently for asking too many questions
about this mission here.
- 1459. So I just wanna make sure that you're...
- 1460. That you're open
to the scientific peer-review process
- 1461. and you're not approaching
this mission like a businessman.
- 1462. - You know? That...
- What did you say?
- 1463. - I wanna know if you're...
- Did you call me a businessman?
- 1464. - You do own a corporate...
- You think I'm just a businessman?
- 1465. Do you think you know me, Doctor?
- 1466. Business?
- 1467. This is evolution.
This is evolution of the human species.
- 1468. - What are you doing bringing this...
- 1469. You know that BASH has
over 40 million data points on you,
- 1470. on every decision you have made
since 1994, Doctor?
- 1471. I... I know when you have colon polyps
- 1472. months before your doctor does.
- 1473. You got four or five
at the moment actually.
- 1474. You know, they're not of concern,
but I'd have a checkup as soon as you can.
- 1475. But much more importantly than that,
I know what you are. I know who you are.
- 1476. My algorithms have determined
eight fundamental consumer profile types.
- 1477. You are a lifestyle idealist.
- 1478. You think you're motivated
by beliefs, high ethical beliefs.
- 1479. But you just run towards pleasure
and away from pain.
- 1480. Like a... Like a field mouse.
- 1481. I'm just trying to...
- 1482. I just wanna make sure
that the science is sound on this project.
- 1483. I hope you understand...
- 1484. Our algorithms
can even predict how you'll die.
- 1485. To 96... 96.5% accuracy.
- 1486. I looked you up after we met.
- 1487. Your death was so unremarkable and boring.
- 1488. I can't remember the details,
apart from one thing.
- 1489. You're gonna die alone.
- 1490. Alone.
- 1491. If you'll excuse me, Madam President.
I've got some work to do.
- 1492. What the hell are you doing?
- 1493. - My God.
- I was trying to do my job.
- 1494. You are just so lucky
that Peter adores you.
- 1495. You're with the grown-ups now, Randall.
- 1496. I can't even follow this shit anymore!
- 1497. BASH got Orlean to pay
the Chilean government, if I'm correct,
- 1498. $90 billion to let the tsunami
hit off the coast of the country.
- 1499. That sound right to you?
- 1500. Isherwell built
an underground bunker
- 1501. for him and all his executives.
- 1502. No, I heard that
they built an escape ship.
- 1503. You guys,
the truth is way more depressing.
- 1504. They're not even smart enough to be
as evil as you're giving them credit for.
- 1505. Ugh!
- 1506. - What?
- 1507. Fuck! You're driving me fucking
- 1508. Fuck it. We're all gonna die.
- 1509. movie will be released
- 1510. the day that some believe
Comet Dibiasky will impact the planet.
- 1511. And the early word is
it's already a classic, Brie.
- 1512. Oh, yes.
Well, and what a stellar cast.
- 1513. - Devin. Yeah.
- I love Devin Peters.
- 1514. He's great. Everything he does.
- 1515. - What's it called again?
- It's called Total Devastation.
- 1516. - It cost $300 million to make.
- 1517. - I mean, these movies...
- It's more than you earn.
- 1518. Tell me about it.
And my friend Farley, he saw it.
- 1519. - He said it's a ton of fun. That's right.
- Well, Farley likes it.
- 1520. All right, well, what Farley says goes.
- 1521. But, uh, first,
- 1522. and yes, you can tell from my smile...
- 1523. Stop it.
- 1524. That America's sexiest scientist is here.
Dr. Randall. Welcome.
- 1525. Dr. Randall, how are you, sir?
- 1526. I'm... I'm good.
I'm gooder than good.
- 1527. All right. So, Randall, we're hearing
that there is no comet,
- 1528. or that there is a comet but it's
a good thing or maybe it's a bad thing.
- 1529. We are so confused.
- 1530. So, could you please help us out here,
you know, oh, wise scientist?
- 1531. Well, first and foremost, Brie, um...
- 1532. there most certainly
is a comet.
- 1533. All right.
- 1534. And we know that there is a comet
because we have the data.
- 1535. Um...
- 1536. There has been growing concern within
the scientific community as of late.
- 1537. You see, the peer-review process
is absolutely essential...
- 1538. - If BASH's stock...
- ... for us to get to the facts of... Yes?
- 1539. If BASH's stock is any indicator,
- 1540. we don't have to worry
about the peer review.
- 1541. It is going gangbusters.
- 1542. And full disclosure.
I bought as many shares as I could.
- 1543. I advise you to do the same.
- 1544. You are such a shameless capitalist.
- 1545. Said the woman who will be
in the brand-new hot tub on my back deck
- 1546. - when I put it in from the stock.
- You know me too well.
- 1547. That's right.
- 1548. Dr. Randall, you sure you're okay?
You want a glass of water...
- 1549. I don't feel so good.
- 1550. So I think we'll go
to commercial break...
- 1551. No, Please, Brie. Don't cut away.
Let me say something.
- 1552. - Okay.
- You came to the right place.
- 1553. We like to say things.
- 1554. Would you please
just stop being so pleasant?
- 1555. I'm sorry, but not everything
needs to sound so goddamn clever
- 1556. or charming or likeable all the time.
- 1557. Sometimes we need to just be able
to say things to one another.
- 1558. We need to hear things.
- 1559. Look, let's establish, once again,
- 1560. that there is a huge comet
headed towards Earth.
- 1561. And the reason we know
that there is a comet
- 1562. is because we saw it.
- 1563. We saw it with our own eyes
using a telescope.
- 1564. I mean, for God's sake,
we took a fucking picture of it!
- 1565. What other proof do we need?
- 1566. And if we can't all agree
at the bare minimum
- 1567. that a giant comet
the size of Mount Everest
- 1568. hurtling its way towards planet Earth
is not a fucking good thing,
- 1569. then what the hell happened to us?
- 1570. I mean, my God, how do...
How do we even talk to each other?
- 1571. What've we... What've we done to ourselves?
How do we fix it?
- 1572. We should have deflected this comet
when we had the fucking chance,
- 1573. but we didn't do it.
I don't know why we didn't do it.
- 1574. And now they're
actually firing scientists like me
- 1575. for speaking out, for opposing them.
- 1576. And I'm sure many of the people out there
- 1577. aren't even
gonna listen to what I just said
- 1578. 'cause they have
their own political ideology,
- 1579. but I... assure you,
- 1580. I am not on one side or the other.
- 1581. I'm just telling you the fucking truth.
- 1582. This would be a good time to establish
- 1583. that Isherwell and the president
have both said
- 1584. that there's benefits to be...
- 1585. Right, well, the president
of the United States is fucking lying!
- 1586. Look, I'm just like all of you.
- 1587. I hope to God, I hope to God that
this president knows what she's doing.
- 1588. I hope she's got us all taken care of,
but the truth is,
- 1589. I think this whole administration
- 1590. has completely lost their fucking mind!
- 1591. And I think we're all gonna die!
- 1592. Look, I just wanna go home.
- 1593. I just wanna go home.
- 1594. I just wanna go home more than anything.
- 1595. But if there is one thing,
- 1596. one thing that I pray...
- 1597. that I pray that all of you hear
from what I have just said,
- 1598. is that all of us, all of us...
- 1599. Why'd you do that?
- 1600. I really liked you
and I despise most people.
- 1601. You know, I...
I really thought I loved you.
- 1602. Really?
- 1603. Wow.
- 1604. That's wild.
- 1605. Yeah.
- 1606. Ma'am, you need to go.
We gotta get this man off the grid.
- 1607. You still there?
- 1608. No.
- 1609. Well, maybe he just gets off
on the power, you know,
- 1610. like any kind of power.
- 1611. It's like he knew eventually that I was
gonna find out that the snacks were free.
- 1612. - Right.
- You know what I mean?
- 1613. - Yeah.
- So it was just like a power play.
- 1614. Yeah, guys are weird.
- 1615. I'm starting to think that all this
"end of the world" stuff is bullshit.
- 1616. It's not.
- 1617. It's definitely happening. I've seen it.
- 1618. I feel like if God wanted to destroy
the Earth, He would destroy the Earth.
- 1619. You believe in God?
- 1620. Yeah, I mean,
my parents raised me Evangelical,
- 1621. and I hate them,
but I found my own way to it.
- 1622. My own relationship.
- 1623. I'd appreciate it
if you didn't advertise it, though.
- 1624. I won't tell anybody.
I think it's kind of sweet.
- 1625. - Wanna make out?
- Yeah, why not?
- 1626. Can you not say "why not"?
It makes me feel like you don't want it.
- 1627. It's shitty.
- 1628. - Sure, whatever.
- That's better.
- 1629. - Oh, my God, that's it.
- What? What?
- 1630. - That's the comet.
- What? Where?
- 1631. - Where? Uh-huh.
- Well, that's the Big Dipper.
- 1632. - That's Venus. That's the North Star.
- 1633. - Well, what is that?
- Oh, shit.
- 1634. What the hell?
- 1635. What?
- 1636. Come on.
- 1637. There it is.
- 1638. There you are.
- 1639. There you are.
- 1640. Is anyone else seeing this? That's it.
- 1641. That's it. That's the comet.
Look! It's right there.
- 1642. - That's, you know, kinda scary.
- Oh! Exactly.
- 1643. - Dr. Mindy.
- 1644. Doc, you can see it.
- 1645. I... I'm looking at it right now too.
It's unbelievable. It's...
- 1646. It's horrific and it's...
And it's beautiful at the same time.
- 1647. Oh, my God.
- 1648. We've been trying to tell you.
- 1649. We tried to tell you this whole time.
It's right there. It's...
- 1650. It's right there, Kate.
- 1651. Where are you?
- 1652. I'm in Lansing, Michigan
- 1653. trying to fix things with June,
but she won't talk to me.
- 1654. - Where are you?
- What the fuck?
- 1655. I...
- 1656. I'm gonna come find you, okay?
- 1657. Well, I'm in Illinois.
I could be ready by tomorrow.
- 1658. - Dearest Father...
- Yeah, I'm...
- 1659. as a sinner I come to You
for Your grace and guidance...
- 1660. They're finally seeing it.
- 1661. They're finally seeing it.
- 1662. There it is!
- 1663. Go outside into your yard,
onto a roof, onto your sidewalk,
- 1664. and just look up into the sky.
- 1665. The star's gonna appear fuzzy.
It's got a long streak coming off of it.
- 1666. That's the comet's tail.
- 1667. It's real and it's coming.
- 1668. If anyone tells you any different,
they're full of shit.
- 1669. Just look up into the sky.
- 1670. It's a fucking fact.
- 1671. - We have proof.
- Just look up.
- 1672. Guys, please just look up, okay?
Screw the manatees and just look up.
- 1673. Just look up.
- 1674. - Just look up!
- Just look up! Just look up!
- 1675. Just look up!
- 1676. Dr. Mindy, the president's
plan to save Earth
- 1677. and make it so we can all have a home
is going to work, right?
- 1678. Every single man, woman and child
on this planet is going to die.
- 1679. - I don't like him. He makes me sad.
- I'm sorry about that.
- 1680. - This is not what we rehearsed.
- Kids, listen.
- 1681. You tell your parents
that President Orlean and Isherwell
- 1682. are sociopaths and fascists!
- 1683. And do you know why
they want you to look up?
- 1684. Do you know why?
- 1685. 'Cause they want you to be afraid.
- 1686. They want you to look up
- 1687. because they are
looking down their noses at you.
- 1688. They think they're better than you.
- 1689. Don't look up!
- 1690. They wanna rob you of your freedom,
and that's a fact!
- 1691. Don't look up!
- 1692. The US president, Orlean...
- 1693. Just look up!
- 1694. has not included India
or any other nation in the world
- 1695. to be a part of this mission.
- 1696. This dude is a known pornographer
- 1697. Don't listen to that dumbfuck.
- 1698. The United Nations have been
considering its own deflective mission.
- 1699. Just look up, for fuck's sake!
- 1700. Now I know a lot of Hollywood
is supporting the Just Look Up movement,
- 1701. but I haven't seen a pin like that.
- 1702. Yeah, this pin points both up and down.
- 1703. Because I think, as a country,
we need to stop arguing
- 1704. and virtue signaling. Just get along.
- 1705. - That is so refreshing.
- 1706. I think
we're all tired of the politics.
- 1707. Yeah, yeah. Well...
- 1708. That's why we made Total Devastation.
- 1709. It's for everyone. You know?
It's a popcorn movie.
- 1710. You keep your eye on the road ahead,
you put your head down.
- 1711. And you put
one foot in front of the other,
- 1712. step by step.
- 1713. Day by day.
- 1714. - Don't look up!
- 1715. So we wanna say something loud and clear.
- 1716. There is no safe way
to bring this comet back to Earth
- 1717. and exploit it for profit.
It cannot be done!
- 1718. Nations of the world,
defy Orlean and BASH!
- 1719. Launch your own nuclear deflection mission
now and save this planet!
- 1720. And now, uh, there's Riley Bina
with her special guest.
- 1721. I forgot the name. Thank you.
- 1722. Is that a rock-solid ten smokeshow
of a president or what?
- 1723. If she wasn't my mother...
- 1724. There's three types of American people.
- 1725. There are you, the working class.
- 1726. Us, the cool rich, and then them.
- 1727. I'm sorry, but we need them.
- 1728. We need them because
you build us up to fight them.
- 1729. The working class, the lower.
- 1730. - You understand?
- No, I don't get it.
- 1731. Do you understand? I'm talking about...
- 1732. I'm talking about nutritionists.
- 1733. I'm talking about personal trainers,
- 1734. people at the spa,
- 1735. but not the ones that check you in
and they're not the masseuses,
- 1736. but they walk you down the corridor.
- 1737. They're there...
- 1738. - Divest from BASH when?
- Divest now!
- 1739. Divest from BASH when?
- 1740. We will not be quiet!
- 1741. Hey, good afternoon, Adam.
What do I owe the pleasure of this call?
- 1742. What time?
- 1743. Well, uh... Well, thank you for calling.
- 1744. Um...
- 1745. Yeah.
- 1746. What?
- 1747. What?
- 1748. Orlean and BASH
cut Russia, India, and China
- 1749. out of the rights for the minerals.
- 1750. So they tried their own
joint deflection mission,
- 1751. but, uh... approximately 40 minutes ago,
- 1752. there was a massive explosion detected
at the Russian's Baikonur launch complex.
- 1753. So it looks like the mission failed.
- 1754. That's it?
- 1755. What do you mean, "that's it?"
- 1756. Teddy?
- 1757. Right?
- 1758. There is still the BASH mission.
It's all we have now.
- 1759. Fuck!
- 1760. These Just Look Uppers
- 1761. want millions of illegal Chileans
to come across the border.
- 1762. Don't look up.
- 1763. The hell is that?
- 1764. Fucking lied to us.
- 1765. The president just texted me.
- 1766. "Don't trip. It's all good. Don't trip."
- 1767. Hey, now.
- 1768. You cut my face, you fucking rednecks!
- 1769. Man, there hasn't been
a car in, like, an hour.
- 1770. Yep.
Everyone's watching the BASH launch.
- 1771. What are we doing again?
- 1772. I told you. We're, uh...
We're gonna go buy some groceries.
- 1773. The Mills Brothers. Great band.
You know, Duke Ellington found this band.
- 1774. I think they were originally called
the Four Kings of Harmony.
- 1775. "Till Then," this is the song.
It's about, uh...
- 1776. It's about soldiers
going off to World War II
- 1777. and thinking about home.
- 1778. Listen to this part.
- 1779. "Although there are oceans we must cross
and mountains that we must climb..."
- 1780. "I know that every gain must have a loss."
- 1781. "So pray that our loss
is nothing but time."
- 1782. - Okay, I gotta ask you something.
- 1783. Dr. Mindy, can I be vulnerable
in your car?
- 1784. Yeah, go ahead.
- 1785. I've never met anyone like you
- 1786. and I feel a connection to you
on a level that...
- 1787. I don't know,
I haven't felt with anyone else,
- 1788. and going out on a limb,
- 1789. but would you want to spend
more time together?
- 1790. Maybe even get engaged or something?
- 1791. - Wow.
- Are you laughing?
- 1792. - No?
- I'm smiling.
- 1793. - Well, sure.
- This is sweet.
- 1794. - Why not?
- This is pretty sweet.
- 1795. And you read
the tea leaves for Dr. Mindy.
- 1796. - You showed him the algorithm.
- Oh, yeah.
- 1797. You really shook him
with that information.
- 1798. - How he was gonna die.
- Yeah, it is shaking.
- 1799. It got me so excited
to know about my own death.
- 1800. I don't think I wanna know.
Yes, I do. I wanna to know.
- 1801. You're gonna be eaten by a Bronteroc.
We don't know what it means.
- 1802. - A what?
- A Bronteroc.
- 1803. - Oh.
- Okay, people, we have clear skies.
- 1804. And we are a go for the BEAD launch.
- 1805. Madam President?
- 1806. Citizens of planet Earth. Now...
- 1807. Look at this, Kate. They have wild salmon.
- 1808. Look at the difference between that
and the farm-raised stuff.
- 1809. You see how that looks just...
I don't know. Looks fake, right?
- 1810. Hey, why don't you go find some, uh...
- 1811. What are the little potatoes called,
the tiny ones?
- 1812. - Fingerling potatoes?
- 1813. - I fucking love fingerling potatoes.
- Let's get finger...
- 1814. Do you wanna say something too?
- 1815. That was beautiful. Yeah.
- 1816. What up, world? Jason Orlean,
uh, Chief of Staff, United States.
- 1817. Um...
- 1818. I've been noticing a lot of prayers
recently for people during this time
- 1819. and I commend that, um,
- 1820. but I also wanna give a prayer for stuff.
- 1821. There's dope stuff, like material stuff,
like sick apartments and watches,
- 1822. and cars, um, and clothes and shit
- 1823. that could all go away
and I don't wanna see that stuff go away.
- 1824. So I'm gonna say a prayer
for that stuff. Amen.
- 1825. Just a quiet trepidation
among this much smaller crowd.
- 1826. I can hear the sounds
of some people praying.
- 1827. Okay, Anderson, let's go get it.
- 1828. Yes, sir. Here we go, people.
- 1829. Ten.
- 1830. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
- 1831. five, four...
- 1832. Hi.
- 1833. We, uh, got some groceries.
- 1834. Yo, what was that?
- 1835. We lost BEAD number 12.
- 1836. BEAD number 22 failed to launch.
- 1837. It's fine. It's fine.
- 1838. We had anticipated a margin for error.
- 1839. Everything is fine.
- 1840. I was hoping
we could, um, have a family dinner.
- 1841. Hey, Dad.
- 1842. - Hey, guys. Hey.
- 1843. What do you say?
- 1844. Yeah.
- 1845. - Thank you.
- 1846. - This is, uh... This is Kate.
- Oh, hi.
- 1847. - Hello. Hi, Kate.
- Let me grab those bags.
- 1848. - Nice to meet you. I'm Yule.
- 1849. I'm FirePuma142 on Twitch. You game?
- 1850. It's really doubtful she knows.
- 1851. - You're right.
- Who said I game?
- 1852. I... I got these for you.
- 1853. Thank you. That's really sweet, honey.
- 1854. I'm so sorry. You have no idea.
- 1855. - I really am.
- I know. I know.
- 1856. - I've missed you.
- I missed you so much.
- 1857. When we dated in college,
I fucked Aaron Tran.
- 1858. Yeah, so, uh...
- 1859. - That is really good.
- Really good, right?
- 1860. - Hey, everybody.
- 1861. - Sorry I'm late, but not empty-handed.
- Hey, my friend.
- 1862. Evan, Marshall, June,
this is Dr. Oglethorpe.
- 1863. BEADs have approached
optimal escape velocity
- 1864. and now approaching Comet Dibiasky
and are ready for attachment mode.
- 1865. Uh... Okay. All right.
- 1866. Eight and 27 are lost
due to lateral control malfunction.
- 1867. Okay, so, now... Now, Peter...
- 1868. Peter, we're six drones down.
Is this thing still gonna work?
- 1869. Well, the engineer's assured me
that yes, 24 drones is enough.
- 1870. Well, how many can we lose?
- 1871. How many more?
- 1872. We're being told that several
of the BEADS have exploded on launch.
- 1873. Got the head seat right there.
- 1874. You're way too kind, Randall. Thank you.
- 1875. Big Doctor.
- 1876. Do you want more wine?
- 1877. - Hey, cheers, everyone. Huh?
- 1878. - Cheers.
- Love you.
- 1879. - Love you.
- Thank you so much for having us.
- 1880. Thank you for being here.
- 1881. - It's so special.
- Thank you.
- 1882. Commence simultaneous
explosive separation stage now.
- 1883. Yo. Yo. Mom.
- 1884. Beautiful.
- 1885. - Thank you, pal.
- 1886. Yeah, it really is.
And it's really good to have you home.
- 1887. Dr. Mindy got really famous.
- 1888. Oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
- 1889. That's right. Okay.
- 1890. Yep, I was on, uh, magazine covers
and everything. I know.
- 1891. - You looked great.
- I'll take your shots.
- 1892. - I love you.
- Love you too.
- 1893. All right. We need a report.
- 1894. Need a full status report
on the explosive devices.
- 1895. Get on it.
Still waiting for a full status report.
- 1896. All right.
- 1897. President Qi of China
says that the comet is still whole.
- 1898. We got four misfires and sync was off.
- 1899. It's still intact.
- 1900. What was that?
- 1901. We've got four misfires
and the sync was off.
- 1902. Okay. We're all fine. Everyone's fine.
- 1903. It's gonna be all right.
If you'll excuse me.
- 1904. Nature calls.
- 1905. I'm just gonna go to the restroom
for a moment.
- 1906. Yes, uh, I think
that I should also step out
- 1907. to the restroom for a moment.
- 1908. - Should I...
- No, I'll be fine.
- 1909. Sir, the president.
- 1910. We need to know
what the mission status is.
- 1911. She's coming right back.
- 1912. Screw this. I'm going to see my husband.
- 1913. I'm sorry. I've got a 20-year-old
daughter. I've got to go see her.
- 1914. I'm doin' an 8-ball.
- 1915. Oh, shit!
- 1916. She's coming. She's coming back.
- 1917. Hello, there's a ship.
- 1918. In case we were wrong,
and clearly, we were wrong.
- 1919. Of course you've got a ship.
- 1920. It holds 2,000.
- 1921. It's state-of-the-art cryo-chambers,
and it's set to find
- 1922. the nearest Earth-like planet
in a Goldilocks Zone so...
- 1923. There's room for you and one other.
- 1924. Brie, your wife, your call.
- 1925. I'm good, but thank you for the offer.
You, uh... You have fun with Jason.
- 1926. Jason?
- 1927. Oh, shit.
- 1928. She's coming back.
- 1929. I'm thankful for that night
I fell asleep out in the backyard.
- 1930. - Woke up face-to-face with a baby deer.
- I remember that.
- 1931. - Yeah.
- Yep. It was the best day of my life.
- 1932. I'm grateful...
- 1933. I'm grateful we tried.
- 1934. Man, oh, man, did we try.
- 1935. Well, we're not the most religious here
in the Mindy household,
- 1936. but, um, maybe we should say "amen"?
Should we do that?
- 1937. Don't look at me.
- 1938. I don't know how to...
What, you just say, "Amen"? I don't...
- 1939. - I got this.
- Wrap it up?
- 1940. I got it.
- 1941. Dearest Father and Almighty Creator...
- 1942. we ask for Your grace tonight,
despite our pride.
- 1943. Your forgiveness, despite our doubt.
- 1944. Most of all, Lord...
- 1945. we ask for Your love
to soothe us through these dark times.
- 1946. May we face whatever is to come...
- 1947. in Your divine will with courage
and open hearts of acceptance.
- 1948. - Amen.
- 1949. Wow. Youse got some church game.
- 1950. That was beautiful.
- 1951. The comet remains intact.
- 1952. We just never...
- 1953. Of course, there's only one story
everyone's talking about tonight.
- 1954. Topless urgent care centers.
- 1955. Sit.
- 1956. Or... we can fuck...
- 1957. or pray, or...
- 1958. Honestly, I think
I'd just rather drink and...
- 1959. talk shit about people.
- 1960. You'll never take me alive!
- 1961. Look out!
- 1962. I'm definitely gonna have
some more of this apple pie. It's so good.
- 1963. It's actually store-bought,
but you really can't tell.
- 1964. If I'm to be completely honest,
which at this moment, why not?
- 1965. I actually like the junky taste
of store-bought better than homemade.
- 1966. You gotta be kidding me.
- 1967. No, I'm not kidding.
- 1968. You know what? I know what he means.
It's like a childhood memory thing.
- 1969. Nothing is better than homemade, right?
- 1970. This coffee doesn't taste
store-bought. Is it?
- 1971. I grind my own beans. Yeah.
- 1972. Yeah, Dad's kind of a coffee nut.
- 1973. Every time you have coffee,
you have to grind your beans?
- 1974. Randall is very particular
about his coffee.
- 1975. I can get that way about tea.
- 1976. Thing of it is, we really...
- 1977. We really did have everything, didn't we?
- 1978. I mean, when you think about it.
- 1979. Hey, oxygen is
actually higher than on Earth
- 1980. by nine percent,
- 1981. so you might feel a bit light-headed.
- 1982. And cryo-chambers were 58% successful,
- 1983. which is much better than anticipated.
- 1984. Yeah, we only had 47 dead
in our section, so...
- 1985. I think this is gonna work out quite well.
Quite well, indeed.
- 1986. Goodness.
- 1987. Look at that beautiful animal.
- 1988. I wonder, are those feathers
or are they scale...
- 1989. - That's disgusting.
- What is that thing?
- 1990. I believe that's called a Bronteroc.
- 1991. Uh... Whatever you do, don't pet them.
- 1992. Fuck.
- 1993. Mom?
- 1994. Mom!
- 1995. What's up, y'all?
- 1996. I'm the last man on Earth.
- 1997. Shit's all fucked up.
- 1998. Don't forget to like and subscribe.
- 1999. We out here.
- 2000. Mom!