1. Yo, not gonna lie.Copy !req
2. This sound...Copy !req
3. gets me hard as a fucking rock.Copy !req
4. But I don't like to go too fast
right off the bat.Copy !req
5. I'd rather work my way into it,
nice and easy.Copy !req
6. So I'll start off with some stills.Copy !req
7. Then, once I'm getting into it,Copy !req
8. I start looking for a video.Copy !req
9. I never actually touch my cock
till I find the right clip.Copy !req
10. Then, once I do...Copy !req
11. goodbye.Copy !req
12. For the next few minutes,
all the bullshit fades away,Copy !req
13. and the only thing in the world
is those tits...Copy !req
14. that ass...Copy !req
15. the blowjob, the cowboy,Copy !req
16. the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it.
I don't gotta say anything,Copy !req
17. I don't gotta do anything.
I just fucking lose myself.Copy !req
18. There's only a few things
I really care about in life.Copy !req
19. My body...Copy !req
20. my pad...Copy !req
21. my ride...Copy !req
22. my family...Copy !req
23. Amen.Copy !req
24. my church...Copy !req
25. my boys...Copy !req
26. my girls...Copy !req
27. and my porn.Copy !req
28. I know that last one sounds weird,
but I'm just being honest.Copy !req
29. Nothing else does it for me the same way.
Not even real pussy.Copy !req
30. And, yo, I get plenty of that.Copy !req
31. Why you think my boys call me The Don?Copy !req
32. - Jonny-Boy!
- Don Jon, what's good, baby?Copy !req
33. - What up?
- You good?Copy !req
34. - I'm all right.
- Jonny, look at me.Copy !req
35. - Everything good with you?
- What's the matter with this guy?Copy !req
36. - Come here, you animal!
- Get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
37. Real talk, real talk. Purple.Copy !req
38. - That's not bad.
- It's better than "not bad."Copy !req
39. - You ain't see her turn around.
- You calling her a seven?Copy !req
40. - An eight. At least an eight.
- That is not an eight.Copy !req
41. She's cute in the face, you can maybe
call the face an eight, tits are a four.Copy !req
42. Yeah, but the butt, man, it's exceptional.
I'm telling you. It changes everything.Copy !req
43. - Shit!
- What?Copy !req
44. - Sequins. Don't look. Don't look.
- What? Who is that?Copy !req
45. - You don't remember her?
- She's coming over here.Copy !req
46. 'Cause you're staring right at her.Copy !req
47. - Look who the fuck it is.
- How you doing?Copy !req
48. - Why didn't you call me back?
- Come on. You're a grown woman.Copy !req
49. Did you think I was gonna call you back?Copy !req
50. You're pathetic, you know that?
Every week you got a new bitch.Copy !req
51. Then why'd you come home with me?Copy !req
52. Fuck you!Copy !req
53. - Eight.
- No, that might be a nine.Copy !req
54. - You shitting me? That's a seven.
- You're out of your fucking mind!Copy !req
55. I gave you the eight,
your record's intact. Chill out.Copy !req
56. You heard what she said?
Everyone knows about the streak.Copy !req
57. - You're sick. You know that?
- I don't know what's wrong with me.Copy !req
58. - Oh, my... damn!
- What? What? Where?Copy !req
59. - Red.
- Holy shit! That's a dime.Copy !req
60. - That is a dime.
- Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.Copy !req
61. I don't even mess with blondes like that,
but that there is a dime!Copy !req
62. - Fuck yeah.
- I don't know, there might beCopy !req
63. - some lasagna up in there.
- I don't think so.Copy !req
64. Definitely not.
She keep her shit tight, you can tell.Copy !req
65. - No. I don't know.
- See, he likes that skinny shit.Copy !req
66. He likes that skinny, high-fashion,
looks-like-a-boy shit.Copy !req
67. - Fuck you!
- Admit it!Copy !req
68. - He's kind of right, man, you do. - I
don't like more than a handful of titty.Copy !req
69. No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I
love it, but more than that, it's like no!Copy !req
70. Shit starts to remind me
of my mom or something.Copy !req
71. - Jesus Christ.
- Your mom do got some big-ass titties.Copy !req
72. - Don't talk about my mother.
- You brought up your mother.Copy !req
73. If you don't like that,
there's something wrong with you.Copy !req
74. I didn't say I didn't like it.
I said it's not a dime.Copy !req
75. - That's incorrect.
- She's taller than you anyway.Copy !req
76. - Fuck you, Jonny.
- I'm playing, come on.Copy !req
77. You gonna get that?Copy !req
78. Let me get a vodka-cranberry.Copy !req
79. - Jonny!
- Sammy-boy, how you doing?Copy !req
80. - You good?
- Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.Copy !req
81. - What makes you think you could do that?
- Do what?Copy !req
82. - Get the fuck out of here.
- You wanna go somewhere?Copy !req
83. - Fuck you.
- You wanna fuck me?Copy !req
84. - Is that why you kissed me?
- I didn't kiss you.Copy !req
85. Yeah, you did.Copy !req
86. Stop it, I mean it. Stop it.Copy !req
87. Come on. Let me buy you a drink.
It's early.Copy !req
88. - Where you going?
- I told you where I was going.Copy !req
89. Come on! Wait a minute!Copy !req
90. Shit!Copy !req
91. Yo. Headband.Copy !req
92. Nah, I don't know.Copy !req
93. See? This is what I'm saying.Copy !req
94. Real pussy's all good. But I'm sorry.Copy !req
95. It's not as good as porn.Copy !req
96. Tits?Copy !req
97. Great.Copy !req
98. Ass?Copy !req
99. Great.Copy !req
100. Blowjob?Copy !req
101. Sure, it's fucking fantastic
in person... if she'll do it.Copy !req
102. But in real life, if you wanna get head,
you gotta give head.Copy !req
103. Lower. Not that low!Copy !req
104. I know, some guys love
eating pussy,Copy !req
105. but the thing about those guys is,Copy !req
106. they're fucking crazy.Copy !req
107. Don't get me wrong,
I like a good pussy-eating clip.Copy !req
108. But, from down here,
there's nothing good about this.Copy !req
109. And if she does finally decide
to do you the big favor...Copy !req
110. she's in a fucking hurry.Copy !req
111. Now, when it comes to the
actual fucking...Copy !req
112. First of all, condoms are terrible.
They just are.Copy !req
113. But you gotta wear one, 'cause,Copy !req
114. unlike porn, real pussy can kill you.Copy !req
115. Second of all, missionary is the
worst position in all of fucking.Copy !req
116. The tits lie flat,
you can't see her ass,Copy !req
117. you can't touch her ass,
'cause she's lying on her back.Copy !req
118. They won't let you do it from behind,
'cause they wanna look at you.Copy !req
119. And basically it's on
me to do all the work.Copy !req
120. Moneyshot? No.
There is no real-life moneyshot.Copy !req
121. Real girls won't do that shit. You
just gotta cum into the fucking condom.Copy !req
122. So, you tell me, which looks better?Copy !req
123. This?Copy !req
124. Or this?Copy !req
125. Jesus! What are you fucking retarded?
You're fucking retarded!Copy !req
126. You're a retarded person
and you're driving a fucking car!Copy !req
127. In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.Copy !req
128. - Amen. Bless you, my son.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
129. It has been one week
since my last confession.Copy !req
130. - Tell me your sins.
- Since last Sunday, I had sexual relationsCopy !req
131. out of wedlock two times. I also watchedCopy !req
132. pornographic videos and
masturbated 17 times.Copy !req
133. For these and all the sins of my life,
I am sorry.Copy !req
134. - Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.
- Thank you, Father.Copy !req
135. Through the ministry of
the Church,Copy !req
136. may God give you pardon and peace,Copy !req
137. and I absolve you from your sins in the
name of the Father,Copy !req
138. the Son and the Holy Spirit.Copy !req
139. Amen.Copy !req
140. Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that?
That was fucking bullshit. Bad call.Copy !req
141. - Jesus fucking Christ!
- Jon!Copy !req
142. - Fucking bullshit. Did you see that?
- Nah, I didn't see it. What happened?Copy !req
143. They'll do a replay.
They better do a fucking replay.Copy !req
144. Unless they just don't want us
to see how bad that fucking call was.Copy !req
145. Why don't you get the thing
where you can pause...Copy !req
146. - Assholes, where's the replay?
- Dad, there's a thing you can pauseCopy !req
147. - and rewind.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
148. It's digital.
You just rewind and watch it.Copy !req
149. - I'm not taping this.
- No, I know you're not taping it.Copy !req
150. Are you people serious, no fucking
replay?Copy !req
151. I'm not talking about a VCR.Copy !req
152. How do I know what the fuck
you're talking about?Copy !req
153. I don't know, I guess 'cause most
American people have heard of TiVo.Copy !req
154. Most people that pay attention
to the world around them!Copy !req
155. Here it is.
Shut up already, finally. Shit!Copy !req
156. - You seriously never heard of that?
- Yes! I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...Copy !req
157. There! Look, his foot's on the line!
Look at that bullshit!Copy !req
158. - Jon! All right already!
- So if you've heard of it,Copy !req
159. - what is it?
- Did you see that?Copy !req
160. - I'm asking you a question.
- It's a fucking thing...Copy !req
161. Wait a minute. Did you see that?
I'm asking you.Copy !req
162. - Did you?
- Nah, I didn't see it.Copy !req
163. Why not? What the fuck's
the matter with you?Copy !req
164. I said look at this play,
I said it right to you!Copy !req
165. I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing,
and you can't do it!Copy !req
166. - At least I know what a fucking TiVo is.
- I know what a fucking TiVo is!Copy !req
167. You want a TiVo?
Is that what you're saying?Copy !req
168. - I would love a fucking TiVo.
- Who do you love?Copy !req
169. He loves TiVo. He sure as shit
don't love football. We know that.Copy !req
170. One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here
and start eating, and you're gonna say,Copy !req
171. - "Mom, I found her."
- Ma!Copy !req
172. One of these days.Copy !req
173. Holy Mary... Mother
of God...Copy !req
174. pray for us now...Copy !req
175. and at the hour of death...Copy !req
176. Amen.Copy !req
177. Hail Mary... full of grace...Copy !req
178. All right, I'll admit,Copy !req
179. there are some down sides.Copy !req
180. Like there's the times you
find a great clip, with a hot chick.Copy !req
181. And right when you're starting to cum,
it shows the guy.Copy !req
182. Fuck! Goddamn it!Copy !req
183. It's no one's fault, really,
but it still sucks. So...Copy !req
184. Also, nowadays you got so muchCopy !req
185. to choose from, finding just the right clip
can take a lot of time.Copy !req
186. And my time is precious to me.Copy !req
187. Yeah, I got shit to do. So...Copy !req
188. And, every once in a while,Copy !req
189. you find a clip that's so good,
it's fucking depressing.Copy !req
190. And you're thinking to yourself,
why can't real pussy be like this?Copy !req
191. You know, I smash new girls
all the fucking time,Copy !req
192. always an eight or better, and it's still
never this good. What am I doing wrong?Copy !req
193. Maybe it's time to try
something new. So...Copy !req
194. Yo, you remember that dime from last
week?Copy !req
195. Oh, shit.Copy !req
196. The blonde in the dress?
She was insane, bro. You hit that?Copy !req
197. No, I didn't, you fucking alcoholic,
I saw you after she left.Copy !req
198. - Fuck you, Jonny!
- I thought you made that happen.Copy !req
199. - I threw it to this other random.
- Typical.Copy !req
200. - Probably an eight or nine.
- Six or seven.Copy !req
201. Shut the fuck up!
Who'd you take home, huh?Copy !req
202. Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you,Copy !req
203. twos and threes are some
open-minded ladies.Copy !req
204. - I wanna find that girl.
- You get her name?Copy !req
205. - Her name?
- First and last name.Copy !req
206. I'm looking for her name,
first and last name.Copy !req
207. Shit, I don't know. You know who would?Copy !req
208. - Barbara Sugarman.
- Sugarman?Copy !req
209. Thanks, bro.Copy !req
210. - OK, what was it again?
- Barbara Sugarman.Copy !req
211. - You see her anywhere?
- No.Copy !req
212. - Oh, shit!
- That's her?Copy !req
213. - That's definitely her.
- Oh! Got you, bitch!Copy !req
214. What you wanna say?
You gotta say something.Copy !req
215. - Really?
- A girl that bad gets mad friend requests.Copy !req
216. - Fuck!
- I think it's dinner. Maybe even lunch.Copy !req
217. Might have to take this girl
out for coffee.Copy !req
218. - Christ!
- Yeah, this is the long game.Copy !req
219. You're not getting that butt from Barbara
Sugarman anytime in the immediate future.Copy !req
220. If you had it like that,
it would have went down.Copy !req
221. You're right. You're totally right. Shit!Copy !req
222. I know, I was about to say, the
mighty Don bringing out the long game?Copy !req
223. - She's a dime, but...
- This girl's more than a dime.Copy !req
224. Come on, son. There's no such thing,Copy !req
225. that's the point,
it's a scale from one to ten.Copy !req
226. - I'm saying, this girl...
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
227. - You in love with this girl already?
- Go fuck yourself.Copy !req
228. - Hi.
- Can I help you?Copy !req
229. - Yeah, two for lunch.
- Sure. Right this way.Copy !req
230. Hey.Copy !req
231. - How are you?
- Good. Good. How you been?Copy !req
232. - How did you get my Facebook?
- Oh. Getting right to it.Copy !req
233. - Yeah.
- I just looked up your name.Copy !req
234. - I didn't tell you my name.
- Obviously you did, 'cause I looked it up.Copy !req
235. - No, I definitely did not tell
you my name. - Yeah, you did.Copy !req
236. - I think I would remember.
- No offense, but you were pretty wastedCopy !req
237. - the other night. So was I.
- Can I get you some drinks?Copy !req
238. - Diet Coke, please.
- A Coke.Copy !req
239. Coke and a Diet Coke.
I'll be right back to take your order.Copy !req
240. I had a few drinks the other night,Copy !req
241. so I may not have remembered
telling you my first name,Copy !req
242. but I definitely did not
tell you my last name.Copy !req
243. - I'm telling you... Hey!
- Don't lie to me.Copy !req
244. Look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna
let you off the hook this time.Copy !req
245. But trust me, in the future you'll be much
happier if you always tell me the truth.Copy !req
246. Wait, wait, wait, I'll be happier?Copy !req
247. You don't think I could make you happy
if I wanted to?Copy !req
248. So how did you find out my name?Copy !req
249. - I asked around.
- You asked around about me?Copy !req
250. - Yeah.
- That's interesting.Copy !req
251. - Why?
- Why? What do you mean why?Copy !req
252. - Why did you ask around about me?
- 'Cause I wanted to.Copy !req
253. - You wanted to take me to lunch?
- Yeah.Copy !req
254. - Don't lie.
- OK, I asked around about youCopy !req
255. 'cause I wanna fuck your brains out.
Is that what you want me to say?Copy !req
256. - Well, at least you're being honest now.
- Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
257. Why did you come here, huh?
Why did you say yes to me?Copy !req
258. - That's a very good question.
- Yeah, so?Copy !req
259. You're gonna have
to wait to find out.Copy !req
260. - All right. I got time.
- Really? You got time?Copy !req
261. It seemed like you were
in a big hurry the other day.Copy !req
262. I can be that way when I'm shit-faced.Copy !req
263. You're cute, I like you.Copy !req
264. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
265. Listen, you wanna know the truth?Copy !req
266. This is the truth.Copy !req
267. You're the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
268. You like movies?Copy !req
269. I don't watch too many movies.Copy !req
270. I used to watch 'em a lot when I was a
little kid,Copy !req
271. before I
could get my hands on any porn.Copy !req
272. Back then, if I wanted to see a really hot
girl, my best bet was to watch a movie.Copy !req
273. - That's the one you like?
- Oh, it's so great.Copy !req
274. - I love these two. And you?
- Yeah. They're great.Copy !req
275. But now, I don't really see the point.Copy !req
276. I don't know, I guess I'm
missing something.Copy !req
277. Because most people eat that shit up.Copy !req
278. The pretty woman.Copy !req
279. The pretty man.Copy !req
280. Love at first sight.Copy !req
281. The first kiss.Copy !req
282. - The breakup.
- I felt that!Copy !req
283. - The makeup.
- I'm scared.Copy !req
284. The expensive wedding,
and they drive off into the sunset.Copy !req
285. Everyone knows it's fake, but they
watch it like it's real fucking life.Copy !req
286. She was the most important thing to him.
He gave up everything for her.Copy !req
287. It was just meant to be.Copy !req
288. - I love movies like that.
- Yeah, it was great.Copy !req
289. He's just such a real man.
And she's so beautiful too, always.Copy !req
290. - Her? No, she's too skinny.
- Yeah.Copy !req
291. - What?
- You wanna know who's beautiful?Copy !req
292. - What makes you think you could do that?
- Do what?Copy !req
293. In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit, Amen.Copy !req
294. - Amen. Bless you, my son.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
295. It has been one week
since my last confession.Copy !req
296. - Tell me your sins.
- Since last Sunday I did not haveCopy !req
297. sexual relations out of wedlock.Copy !req
298. I did kiss a girl, this one girl,
out of wedlock, several times,Copy !req
299. but it's just kissing. I don't know,
I forget if that counts, so...Copy !req
300. Also, I watched pornographic videos
and masturbated 22 times.Copy !req
301. For these and all the sins of my life,
I am sorry.Copy !req
302. - Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.
- Thank you, Father.Copy !req
303. Through the ministry of
the Church,Copy !req
304. may God give you pardon
and peace,Copy !req
305. and I absolve you from your sins
in the name of the Father, of the SonCopy !req
306. - and the Holy Spirit.
- Amen.Copy !req
307. Introducing theCopy !req
308. charbroiled, not fried, codfish
sandwich,Copy !req
309. only at Carl's Jr. And Hardee's.Copy !req
310. More than just a piece of meat.Copy !req
311. Oh, go! Jesus.
It's a yellow light! Fuck you!Copy !req
312. Our Father...
Who art in heaven...Copy !req
313. hallowed be Thy name...
Thy Kingdom come...Copy !req
314. Thy will be done...Copy !req
315. on earth...Copy !req
316. as it is in heaven...Copy !req
317. - No.
- No... What?Copy !req
318. - Not out here.
- So let's go inside.Copy !req
319. Mm-mm.Copy !req
320. - Why not?
- It's not time for that yet.Copy !req
321. - You sure?
- Yeah. We barely know each other.Copy !req
322. Yeah, we do, pretty much.Copy !req
323. - I don't know your friends.
- My friends?Copy !req
324. Mmm...Copy !req
325. - I wanna meet your friends.
- Those guys are assholes.Copy !req
326. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
327. And you don't know my friends.Copy !req
328. - Or our families.
- Wait, our families?Copy !req
329. Yeah. I wanna meet your parents
and your sister.Copy !req
330. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
331. What? You don't wanna meet
my brothersCopy !req
332. - and my sister?
- Uh...Copy !req
333. - 'Cause I know they wanna meet you.
- Yeah... I bet they do.Copy !req
334. Mmm...Copy !req
335. Mm-hm.Copy !req
336. - Jon.
- Yeah?Copy !req
337. - I can't let you come inside just yet.
- No?Copy !req
338. No, 'cause I don't know what that would
mean. You know?Copy !req
339. I don't want to do anything
unless it means something.Copy !req
340. Uh-huh...Copy !req
341. Mm... Don't you think it's always better
when it means something?Copy !req
342. - Yeah.
- Mm...Copy !req
343. I think you should go back to
school, baby.Copy !req
344. What?Copy !req
345. - Yeah, come on. Just a night class.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
346. - Just get your degree.
- Oh!Copy !req
347. - You would be so sexy with a real job.
- Mm!Copy !req
348. Mm-hm! Yeah...Copy !req
349. So, what do you say? You, me
and our friends, we go out sometime?Copy !req
350. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah? And our families meet, huh?Copy !req
351. - Oh!
- Yeah?Copy !req
352. - Yeah.
- Mm...Copy !req
353. And you take one night class for me,
baby? One little class?Copy !req
354. - Oh! Oh!
- Huh? Yeah? Yeah?Copy !req
355. - Yeah! Oh!
- Come on, baby, cum... cum...Copy !req
356. Mm-hm! Uh-huh.Copy !req
357. - Nice.
- Oh, Jesus...Copy !req
358. Yeah.Copy !req
359. You're so cute.Copy !req
360. Call me.Copy !req
361. - Baby!
- Baby, what?Copy !req
362. - Baby.
- Baby...Copy !req
363. - You guys having a good time?
- You bitch, I don't wanna hear it.Copy !req
364. - Jesus Christ.
- A toast. Let's make a toast.Copy !req
365. Everyone listen up. You get up too.
This is for you. Come on. Get up.Copy !req
366. - Oh, God.
- All right.Copy !req
367. You guys know tonight is me and this
girl's one-month anniversary.Copy !req
368. I'm counting that from the first time
I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then,Copy !req
369. I've felt the same way. She's the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
370. - To you, baby.
- No, to us.Copy !req
371. To us.Copy !req
372. - Mwah. Cheers.
- Cheers!Copy !req
373. God bless.Copy !req
374. - So, what's he do?
- He's in school.Copy !req
375. - Oh, the family's got money?
- No, he's got a job.Copy !req
376. - Retail?
- No.Copy !req
377. - Service?
- Yeah.Copy !req
378. He's definitely been
spending time at the gym.Copy !req
379. - Right? I know. He is so disciplined.
- You guys work out together?Copy !req
380. - Mm-mm. No.
- Does he do that muscle guy thingCopy !req
381. where he's, like, looking at himself
while you're doing it?Copy !req
382. - Oh. We haven't done it yet.
- Shit, really?Copy !req
383. - Oh, my God. That's so amazing!
- All right. I like him.Copy !req
384. Goddamn! White shorts.Copy !req
385. - Nah.
- What? Come on, that's a dime!Copy !req
386. - That's not a dime.
- I'm sorry, but I'd rather do thatCopy !req
387. - than do yours.
- You faggot motherfucker!Copy !req
388. - I can like any girl I wanna like.
- But she's not hotter than my girl.Copy !req
389. - To you, maybe not, but to me...
- Look at that. Sorry, buddy.Copy !req
390. - Fuck you, Jonny!
- That's the way...Copy !req
391. Hi.Copy !req
392. Shit!Copy !req
393. So, uh...Copy !req
394. I'm sort of seeing this girl.Copy !req
395. - What did you say?
- What do you mean, what did I say?Copy !req
396. - Did you say...?
- She asked you what you said.Copy !req
397. What's the matter with that?
I couldn't understand you, either.Copy !req
398. Speak up and talk like a human being.Copy !req
399. - Shush.
- What's your problem?Copy !req
400. - Jon. Did you say you found her?
- What?Copy !req
401. - Well, I said I'm sort of...
- Oh, my God! What's her name?Copy !req
402. - Barbara.
- Barbara! Barbara what?Copy !req
403. - Here we go...
- Shh! Barbara what?Copy !req
404. - Barbara Sugarman.
- Sugarman?Copy !req
405. - She a Jew?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
406. - You don't know?
- We haven't really talked...Copy !req
407. She's not Italian, we know that.Copy !req
408. - Sugarman. She black?
- No.Copy !req
409. What does she look like?Copy !req
410. She's the most beautiful thing
I've seen in my life.Copy !req
411. - Oh, boy.
- Baby! Oh!Copy !req
412. That's the sweetest thing
I ever heard anybody say.Copy !req
413. - And does she love you?
- Wait a minute. Love him? You kidding?Copy !req
414. - Jon, shush!
- They're kids, for Christ's sake!Copy !req
415. - So what?
- You know what? Don't call me a kid.Copy !req
416. We talked about this,
I don't appreciate it.Copy !req
417. - Excuse me.
- Dad, I'm asking you nicely.Copy !req
418. To not call you a kid?
You're a fucking kid.Copy !req
419. - Jon!
- Fuck you!Copy !req
420. Fuck me? Did you just say fuck me to
me?Copy !req
421. Jon!Copy !req
422. He said they're in love, they're in love.
It doesn't matter how old they are.Copy !req
423. He's older than you were when we
got married.Copy !req
424. You know that? For God's sake, he's
your son!Copy !req
425. You love this girl?Copy !req
426. Yes, I do.Copy !req
427. Then when do we get to meet her?Copy !req
428. Oh!Copy !req
429. All right, Mom, OK.Copy !req
430. Oh!Copy !req
431. Bella? Sweetheart, come
over here.Copy !req
432. Come on, let me fix your lipstick.
Here we go.Copy !req
433. - You look so beautiful.
- Thank you.Copy !req
434. - Can I get you a refill, Mrs. Sugarman?
- You don't have to do that.Copy !req
435. - No, it's my pleasure.
- Jon.Copy !req
436. - Thank you.
- Jon, you meet Daryl?Copy !req
437. - Oh, wow.
- You wanna hold him?Copy !req
438. - I don't know...
- Come here.Copy !req
439. Here you go, babe.Copy !req
440. - All right. Is that good? Is that right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
441. You look so cute, the two of you.Copy !req
442. Barbara!Copy !req
443. - How long have we been up here for?
- Not long.Copy !req
444. Well, I gotta go, we gotta go.
Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
445. Close the door.Copy !req
446. OK. Let's take a break and when we
get backCopy !req
447. we'll go over the
course syllabus.Copy !req
448. - Hey.
- Baby! How is it?Copy !req
449. - It's great.
- Yeah? You're on break?Copy !req
450. - Yeah. How did you know?
- Your schedule's online.Copy !req
451. - Baby, I'm just so proud of you.
- Thanks.Copy !req
452. - Baby?
- Yeah?Copy !req
453. Can I come over when you're done?Copy !req
454. - You wanna come to my place?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
455. - What, tonight?
- Yeah.Copy !req
456. OK, great.Copy !req
457. - You get back to class, sexy man.
- All right.Copy !req
458. - Bye, baby.
- OK, bye.Copy !req
459. Jesus fucking Christ!Copy !req
460. - Excuse me. Sorry.
- Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.Copy !req
461. It's fine. It's fine.Copy !req
462. - Hi, baby.
- Hey.Copy !req
463. - It's OK. I'll be right back.
- Baby...Copy !req
464. I'm in love with Barbara. I am.Copy !req
465. And tonight, I finally got to fuck her.Copy !req
466. But I'm sorry to say,
it's still not as good as porn.Copy !req
467. Tits?Copy !req
468. Best ever.Copy !req
469. Ass?Copy !req
470. Best ever.Copy !req
471. Blowjob?Copy !req
472. Shit. Good luck. A girl that hot?
She doesn't have to give head.Copy !req
473. For her, she just wants to go from
kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking.Copy !req
474. Or, you know, making love.Copy !req
475. And when I say "making love, " I mean...Copy !req
476. missionary fucking.Copy !req
477. No doggie. No cowboy.Copy !req
478. - What the fuck are you doing?
- Baby!Copy !req
479. - What the fuck are you doing?
- I was reading e-mails.Copy !req
480. - You weren't. You were watching porno!
- That's not what that was.Copy !req
481. - I saw you!
- But, baby...Copy !req
482. Don't call me that. Oh, my God!
That's the most disgusting thingCopy !req
483. - I've ever seen in my life!
- Wait, don't go right now, please!Copy !req
484. I don't even know what that is.
That's sick...Copy !req
485. - But, baby, I'm telling you...
- Don't call me that!Copy !req
486. But I'm telling you, that thing
I was watching was just a joke!Copy !req
487. Some dumb-ass buddy of mine sent it
to me as a joke. Come on!Copy !req
488. You think I'm the kind of guy
that watches porn?Copy !req
489. No, you didn't seem like that type.Copy !req
490. Right. 'Cause fucking losers watch porn,
guys that can't get laid.Copy !req
491. Well, no. My friends' boyfriends are
watching porno on the Internet all the time,Copy !req
492. - it's fucking disgusting.
- It's stupid is what that is.Copy !req
493. Why would they watch porn
when they can get with a real girl?Copy !req
494. - So you don't do that normally?
- No.Copy !req
495. When was the last time you did that
before this?Copy !req
496. I don't even know.
When I was a kid or something.Copy !req
497. You're never gonna do it again?Copy !req
498. No. Why would I?Copy !req
499. - Promise?
- I promise.Copy !req
500. Baby...Copy !req
501. I love you.Copy !req
502. Come here.Copy !req
503. It's not that I can't stop.
I just figure, why should I?Copy !req
504. I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like it.
So she doesn't have to know about it.Copy !req
505. It's not like I'm cheating on her.
I don't do it when she's around.Copy !req
506. And everything's fine.Copy !req
507. She has been spending a lot of time
at my place, though. So I looked into it.Copy !req
508. And it's pretty amazing how easy it is
to get porn on-the-go these days.Copy !req
509. So...Copy !req
510. Excuse me? Sorry, were you on your
phone?Copy !req
511. No.Copy !req
512. - I'm Esther.
- Good to meet you.Copy !req
513. - What's your name?
- Jon.Copy !req
514. - I hope I'm not bothering you.
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
515. I just wanted to apologize.
I don't know if you remember,Copy !req
516. you caught me in a kind
of an inopportune moment last week.Copy !req
517. - When I was sobbing by the door?
- Oh! Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry about that.Copy !req
518. Please, don't. Please, don't you apologize.
You didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
519. - I felt like I should say something.
- OK. Well...Copy !req
520. Because I've been thinking about it,
a lot actually, and I realized that,Copy !req
521. you know, nobody's seen me
like that in, like, six months,Copy !req
522. - and it's not like it's a rare...
- Good evening, everyone.Copy !req
523. a rare occurrence,
I mean, I do that all the time,Copy !req
524. I'm crying all the time. It's just
something that I do in private now.Copy !req
525. On the one hand,
you go there when you go there.Copy !req
526. On the other hand, it's really fucked up
to keep it hidden, right?Copy !req
527. That's what became clear to me
when you startled me.Copy !req
528. You didn't, you didn't mean
to startle me, you walked by,Copy !req
529. but I just...
so I wanted to say thank you.Copy !req
530. Were you... I'm sorry, this might be rude,Copy !req
531. but were you watching
people fucking on your phone?Copy !req
532. - What? No!
- It's OK if you were. I'm not judging you.Copy !req
533. - Lady, I'm just here to take this class.
- Did you just call me "lady"?Copy !req
534. So you take care.Copy !req
535. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Say no more.Copy !req
536. - I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.Copy !req
537. What, are you fucking kidding me?
You're fucking kidding me, right?Copy !req
538. - Baby!
- What?Copy !req
539. I feel like I should leave my jacket
in the car. Maybe not. Should I bring it?Copy !req
540. - Yeah, whatever you want.
- Oh...Copy !req
541. - I'm nervous. That's all.
- Why you nervous?Copy !req
542. - I don't know...
- You got nothing to be nervous about.Copy !req
543. You look beautiful.
God, you look beautiful.Copy !req
544. Oh.Copy !req
545. - Are you ready? Go ahead.
- Yeah. All right.Copy !req
546. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.Copy !req
547. Oh, hello, hello! You must be Barbara.Copy !req
548. - Hi, Mrs. Martello. Here, for you.
- Thank you, and please call me Angie.Copy !req
549. Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here!
Come say hello to your son!Copy !req
550. - Please.
- Let me get by you there, babe.Copy !req
551. Dad? I would like you to meet Barbara.
Baby, this is my dad.Copy !req
552. - Hi, Mr. Martello.
- Hey, good to meet you.Copy !req
553. - Jesus Christ!
- Jon!Copy !req
554. Oh, I... I wasn't expecting such
a lovely lady, that's all.Copy !req
555. Thank you. It's so nice
to finally meet you both.Copy !req
556. My pleasure, my pleasure.Copy !req
557. Well, please sit down
and I will be right back.Copy !req
558. - Can I help you with anything at all?
- Oh! I love her already.Copy !req
559. - Yes, please, sweetie, come on.
- You want me to take that, babe?Copy !req
560. - Hey, hey, Jonny-boy!
- She's cute, right?Copy !req
561. Are you fucking kidding me?
You didn't tell me you were bringing homeCopy !req
562. - a piece of ass like that! - I told
you she was the most beautiful thingCopy !req
563. - I've ever seen in my life.
- Yeah, you told me, but I mean,Copy !req
564. Jesus Christ, those tits! They're real?Copy !req
565. - Yeah, they're real.
- Oh! Fuck me!Copy !req
566. - Did you clear the table?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey.Copy !req
567. Let me move this here,
so you can put that right there.Copy !req
568. - Right here?
- Right there. That's perfect.Copy !req
569. So tell me. Tell me, how did
it go?Copy !req
570. I was out with some girlfriends.
We went to see some band.Copy !req
571. Back then you used to see bands
when you went out.Copy !req
572. - Honey, what band was it?
- You think I remember?Copy !req
573. It was 28 years ago,
and I didn't even give a shit then.Copy !req
574. Anyway, I saw him early in the night,Copy !req
575. I don't know if he saw me till later,
but I saw him.Copy !req
576. And I saw her, you couldn't miss her.Copy !req
577. - She was like you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
578. - You know what I said?
- Listen to this.Copy !req
579. I said right then,
right when I saw her, I said...Copy !req
580. "That's mine."Copy !req
581. - Oh, God.
- Yup. And he was right.Copy !req
582. Can you... Well, that's beautiful.Copy !req
583. - Oh! Big play! Look at that!
- OK, Jon.Copy !req
584. - All right, Dad.
- All right, yeah.Copy !req
585. - Good job, big guy.
- Sweetie, so nice to meet you.Copy !req
586. - Bye, Mr. Martello.
- Please call me Jon.Copy !req
587. OK, Mom.Copy !req
588. - All right, babe?
- Oh! Bye.Copy !req
589. - Bye-bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
590. - Bye-bye.
- Drive safe.Copy !req
591. - I love her! I love her!
- Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all.Copy !req
592. In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit, Amen.Copy !req
593. - Amen. Bless you, my son.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
594. It has been one week
since my last confession.Copy !req
595. Tell me your sins.Copy !req
596. Since last Sunday, I had sexual
intercourse out of wedlock seven times.Copy !req
597. But... I stopped watching porn.Copy !req
598. Yeah, no more of that,
just the intercourse now.Copy !req
599. So...Copy !req
600. For these and all the sins of my life,
I am sorry.Copy !req
601. - Five Lord's Prayers and five Hail Marys.
- Thank you, Father.Copy !req
602. Through the ministry of
the Church,Copy !req
603. may God give you pardon and peace,Copy !req
604. and I absolve you from your sins
in the name of the Father, of the SonCopy !req
605. - and the Holy Spirit.
- Amen.Copy !req
606. Very good. OK, when we
come back,Copy !req
607. we'll go over employee personality testing.Copy !req
608. Go ahead, take a break.Copy !req
609. - Hi. Mind if I sit down?
- You know, actually, I...Copy !req
610. - I brought you something.
- You what?Copy !req
611. - What's that?
- Open it.Copy !req
612. - I don't want to take that from you.
- No, no, open it.Copy !req
613. It's something silly.
It's a little thing. Go ahead.Copy !req
614. All right. I'll open it.Copy !req
615. - What the fuck is this?
- It's actually pretty good.Copy !req
616. - What is the matter with you?
- Have you seen it?Copy !req
617. - Are you crazy?
- It was made by this Danish womanCopy !req
618. in the '70s. It's probably not what you're
used to looking at, but it's pretty hot.Copy !req
619. OK. Look, I have a girlfriend, all right?
So...Copy !req
620. I'm sorry, did you think I was
hitting on you? Because I'm not.Copy !req
621. Will you just take this?Copy !req
622. I didn't mean for it to be a big thing.
I thought you could use something betterCopy !req
623. than that shit you're
watching on your phone.Copy !req
624. Am I right?Copy !req
625. If you have a girlfriend,
why are you watching dirty movies?Copy !req
626. - What?
- I'm just asking.Copy !req
627. - You're fucking weird, you know that?
- I don't entirely disagree,Copy !req
628. but you're the one who's gonna
pretend you're textingCopy !req
629. while you watch people pretend
they're fucking on your phone!Copy !req
630. The shit I watch on here,
they're not pretending.Copy !req
631. Of course they are.Copy !req
632. Forgive us our trespasses...Copy !req
633. as we forgive those...
who trespass against us...Copy !req
634. and lead us not... into temptation...Copy !req
635. but deliver us from evil...Copy !req
636. - Baby?
- Huh?Copy !req
637. What are you doing?
You talking to yourself?Copy !req
638. - Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight?
- That's dubious.Copy !req
639. I'm gonna wait for Barbara to call.
We're gonna meet up for dinner.Copy !req
640. - This fucking guy. Come on!
- What did you think he was gonna say?Copy !req
641. I thought he still had a pair
of balls hanging between his legs.Copy !req
642. You sound so fucking stupid to me right
now, I feel sorry for you.Copy !req
643. - Fuck you.
- I do. I feel sorry for you.Copy !req
644. You never been in love, so you don't
know what you're talking about.Copy !req
645. Hold up. Wait a minute. In love?Copy !req
646. When you really love a girl,
there's a lot that goes into it.Copy !req
647. - You're saying you love her?
- Of course I love her.Copy !req
648. - I never heard you say you loved her.
- You weren't paying attention.Copy !req
649. I've been in love with this girl
since the first time I saw her.Copy !req
650. Why would I wanna go out
and try to pull randoms?Copy !req
651. None of 'em are gonna
look as good as my girl,Copy !req
652. none of 'em are gonna fuck me
as good as my girl.Copy !req
653. - Really?
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
654. - So she's good?
- What did I say? Yeah, she's good.Copy !req
655. - She's the best.
- So you titty-fuck her?Copy !req
656. Bro, she lets me do whatever the fuck
I want.Copy !req
657. This is what I'm trying to tell you,
if you would listen to me.Copy !req
658. I'm telling you guys something.
You be a man, you do the right thing,Copy !req
659. you find the right girl
and you treat her the right way?Copy !req
660. Watch what happens. Best sex of
your life.Copy !req
661. Hey, baby.Copy !req
662. - Hey.
- Hi.Copy !req
663. - I love it when you wear this shit.
- Oh, you're crazy.Copy !req
664. - You good?
- Yeah. You order anything yet?Copy !req
665. - No, I waited for you.
- Sweet.Copy !req
666. - Oh, fuck!
- Who's that?Copy !req
667. It's Linda.
She's been fighting with Chris.Copy !req
668. I don't think they're gonna work out.Copy !req
669. - You remember Linda and Chris, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
670. - I thought they were cute together, no?
- Sure. They seemed pretty good.Copy !req
671. She's 28 years old. She put like four
years into the guy already. It's terrible.Copy !req
672. - How did you get off work tonight?
- I got Stevie to cover my shift.Copy !req
673. - Stevie?
- Yeah, he needed the hours.Copy !req
674. - I don't think I know Stevie, no?
- No, I don't think you ever met him.Copy !req
675. - Oh! I wish somebody would cover for me.
- See? What did I tell you?Copy !req
676. The service industry,
it's not a bad thing.Copy !req
677. Come on, you're gonna look so good
in a suit.Copy !req
678. - I don't know.
- What? Please.Copy !req
679. If Armando can do it,
that man is such an asshole.Copy !req
680. He treats women like they're trash,
but... he makes six figures.Copy !req
681. Well, he's got a pretty great life, no?
If he could do it, you could do it.Copy !req
682. Hey, baby. You're a winner, right?
You respect people.Copy !req
683. You listen to people.Copy !req
684. - You think so?
- I know so, mister.Copy !req
685. Fucking 'caused it! Fuck!Copy !req
686. Hi, babe.Copy !req
687. I don't know which ones to get.
Baby, what do you think?Copy !req
688. That depends.
You gonna drill into your wall?Copy !req
689. I don't know.Copy !req
690. - You don't have a drill, do you?
- No.Copy !req
691. Nah, I didn't think so.
My dad has got a pretty good one.Copy !req
692. If you want me,
I can borrow his, I'll do it for you.Copy !req
693. - You gonna drill into my wall for me?
- Whatever you want, babe.Copy !req
694. You decide what color.
I'm gonna meet you at the registers.Copy !req
695. I wanna pick up a few things
in cleaning products.Copy !req
696. Where are you going?Copy !req
697. - What?
- Where are you going?Copy !req
698. I'm almost out of Swiffer pads.
I'm gonna pick a few up.Copy !req
699. - What pads?
- For the Swiffer.Copy !req
700. - I don't know what that is.
- You don't know the Swiffer?Copy !req
701. - What is that? No.
- Seriously? It's the best.Copy !req
702. You gotta try it.
What do you do for your floors?Copy !req
703. You got those nice floors at your place.
What, do you mop?Copy !req
704. - No.
- What do you do?Copy !req
705. - I don't know. I sweep it up with a broom.
- No, I mean to really clean it.Copy !req
706. - I don't know. The housekeeper does it.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
707. - Listen, I'll just be a second, OK?
- No, no, no. Come here.Copy !req
708. - What?
- You're not gonna go buy a mop right now.Copy !req
709. - It's embarrassing.
- No, I told you, it's not a mop.Copy !req
710. - It's these pads.
- I don't care.Copy !req
711. You shouldn't be doing
your own housework.Copy !req
712. - Why not?
- 'Cause you're a grown man.Copy !req
713. You shouldn't be cleaning your own
floors.Copy !req
714. Why? I enjoy doing it.Copy !req
715. You know what? I'll call Rosa.
She'll do your place.Copy !req
716. - Who?
- Rosa, my cleaning lady, she's great.Copy !req
717. Babe, no.
Thanks, but I like doing it myself.Copy !req
718. Are you kidding me?
You don't got to be doing that.Copy !req
719. She won't do it right anyway.
You gotta vacuum my carpet a certain way,Copy !req
720. - or else it looks... - Don't talk
about vacuuming in front of me.Copy !req
721. - Why? What's wrong?
- Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why.Copy !req
722. You're not listening to me.
I like my place, OK?Copy !req
723. I'm proud of it,
I like to take care of it.Copy !req
724. I don't care. We're not having
this discussion right now.Copy !req
725. There's only a few things
I really care about...Copy !req
726. We're not talking about this anymore.Copy !req
727. - Fine, let's drop it.
- Good.Copy !req
728. Those ones.Copy !req
729. - You want those?
- Yeah.Copy !req
730. Come here. Listen to me.Copy !req
731. When we're living together,
you're not...Copy !req
732. going to be doing... any cleaning.Copy !req
733. Come on.Copy !req
734. Jon? Excuse me.Copy !req
735. Look, I know you don't wanna talk to me.Copy !req
736. I would leave you alone,
but I swear to God,Copy !req
737. I just fell asleep during
that entire class.Copy !req
738. The whole fucking thing.
Can I copy your notes?Copy !req
739. I'd ask somebody else, but everyone
in the class are like children.Copy !req
740. I'm not calling you old.
It'll take like five minutes...Copy !req
741. - Do you mind?
- Fine.Copy !req
742. Thank you so much. Do you wanna
go somewhere? There's a café...Copy !req
743. My girlfriend's waiting at home, so...Copy !req
744. Oh. OK, well, then I'll...
OK, I'll do this.Copy !req
745. I really shouldn't get so high after lunch
if I'm gonna be coming here later.Copy !req
746. You're probably right.Copy !req
747. It is pretty boring, don't you think?Copy !req
748. What?Copy !req
749. - I said this class is pretty
fucking boring. - Oh. Yep.Copy !req
750. Like they're teaching you to be a robot.Copy !req
751. - Why are you here?
- Hm?Copy !req
752. - Why did you pick this class?
- I didn't.Copy !req
753. What?Copy !req
754. No, it seemed like a good idea.
I'm in the service industry now.Copy !req
755. - You mean you're a waiter?
- No.Copy !req
756. - Bartender?
- Yeah, so, if you wanna move up,Copy !req
757. - you gotta go to school.
- Right.Copy !req
758. But what do you mean you
didn't pick this class?Copy !req
759. - No, I did.
- Did somebody pick it for you?Copy !req
760. - No!
- Was it your parents or your girlfriend?Copy !req
761. - What is it with you? Huh?
- No, I just...Copy !req
762. - I was wondering...
- I'm doing something polite...Copy !req
763. That's mine.Copy !req
764. OK. Sorry.Copy !req
765. Jesus!Copy !req
766. Oh, man! Oh, God!Copy !req
767. - Hey, baby.
- Hi, Jon.Copy !req
768. What's wrong?Copy !req
769. Remember when we first started dating?Copy !req
770. What's the one thing I asked?
I said, "Don't lie to me."Copy !req
771. - All right, who's talking shit about me?
- Nobody said anything.Copy !req
772. - You gotta help me out...
- You looked at 46 porno sites today, Jon.Copy !req
773. - Just today.
- I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
774. - Don't fucking lie to me!
- I don't know who told you that!Copy !req
775. Nobody said anything.
It's right there in your history!Copy !req
776. All you do is look at porno.
That's all you fucking do!Copy !req
777. - Wait, wait. My what?
- It's in your history.Copy !req
778. In your browser?Copy !req
779. Come on, don't tell me you don't
know what your history is.Copy !req
780. No. Of course you don't, 'cause if
you did, you would have erased it,Copy !req
781. like a good little phony. Here.Copy !req
782. There. Go ahead, look. Go ahead.Copy !req
783. - Baby, I...
- Please, no, don't call me that.Copy !req
784. - I love you.
- Don't ever say that to me, ever again.Copy !req
785. - What do you want me to say?
- What do I want you to say?Copy !req
786. How about, "I'm sorry I've been
lying to you since the first dayCopy !req
787. that we started dating"?
How about that?Copy !req
788. - I'm sorry. I am.
- How about, "I'm sorry I have more sexCopy !req
789. with that thing
than I do with my girlfriend"?Copy !req
790. First of all, everybody
watches porn, OK? All guys.Copy !req
791. Any guy tells you he doesn't
is lying to you.Copy !req
792. - You are so full of shit!
- Second of all...Copy !req
793. - You are full of shit!
- Second of all, you know damn wellCopy !req
794. - we do it all the fucking time!
- Yeah, I know we do.Copy !req
795. - Whenever you want!
- So what the fuck is wrong with you?Copy !req
796. What the fuck are you doing?
How do you watch that shit?Copy !req
797. I don't know! OK? I don't know!Copy !req
798. How do you watch all the stupid
fucking movies you watch?Copy !req
799. How do I watch movies?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
800. I'm saying, you probably watch
that shit as much as I watch porn.Copy !req
801. What are you saying?
That has nothing to do with anything!Copy !req
802. - I'm just saying...
- Jon, movies and porno are different!Copy !req
803. - They give awards for movies!
- They give awards for porn too.Copy !req
804. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
805. I can't believe we're talking about this.Copy !req
806. I'm sorry. Jesus.
Look, stop it.Copy !req
807. I don't know,
I don't know what's wrong with me.Copy !req
808. I'm sorry, OK? I... I'm sorry.
I am so sorry...Copy !req
809. I really liked you, you know?Copy !req
810. I thought you were different.Copy !req
811. But you're not.Copy !req
812. So up until now,
my record was ten in one day.Copy !req
813. And for a long time,
I thought I'd never beat that. But today...Copy !req
814. I hit 11.Copy !req
815. And you know, when I have great
fucking days like this,Copy !req
816. it just reminds me how much
I love being single.Copy !req
817. I do what I want, when I want.Copy !req
818. I don't have to flake
on my friends anymore.Copy !req
819. I don't have to waste my time
in a fucking classroom.Copy !req
820. It just feels good, like...
like I got my own life back.Copy !req
821. I mean, you think I could have hit 11 when
I was with Barbara? No! Definitely not.Copy !req
822. So...Copy !req
823. - Jonny-boy! - Jesus, bro, I
can smell it on you already.Copy !req
824. - You got to catch up, baby!
- You mean I got to buy your poor assCopy !req
825. - a fucking drink?
- Yo, the Don mad anxious tonight.Copy !req
826. - Fuck you!
- Where's wifey?Copy !req
827. - Fuck that bitch.
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
828. - Damn, OK!
- All right.Copy !req
829. You can't have this one, 'cause I
saw her first, but check out pink.Copy !req
830. Yeah. She's all right.Copy !req
831. - Hey, fuck you, buddy!
- Fuck you!Copy !req
832. What'd you say? Huh?
What the fuck did you just say? Hey!Copy !req
833. You wanna say some shit? Let's hear it,
you fat fuck! What did you say?Copy !req
834. - I said fuck you!
- Fuck me, huh? Fuck me?Copy !req
835. Is that what you said?
Huh? Huh? You fuck! Ah!Copy !req
836. Fuck! Goddamn it! Fuck!Copy !req
837. In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.Copy !req
838. - Amen. Bless you, my son.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
839. It has been one week
since my last confession.Copy !req
840. - Jonny, where were you?
- Don't worry about it.Copy !req
841. - What did you do to your...?
- Mom, it's fine.Copy !req
842. - Shh!
- Hey, hush yourself!Copy !req
843. Mom! It's fine. OK?Copy !req
844. Tell me your sins.Copy !req
845. Father, I don't know what happened, but...Copy !req
846. I guess I lost my temper and I...Copy !req
847. I punched through this guy's window
on my way here right now.Copy !req
848. I didn't hurt anybody, but...Copy !req
849. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me.Copy !req
850. Also, I watched pornographic videos
and masturbated 35 times.Copy !req
851. For these and all the sins of my life,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
852. - Twenty Lord's Prayers and 25 Hail Marys.
- Thank you, Father.Copy !req
853. Through the ministry of
the Church,Copy !req
854. may God give you pardon
and peace.Copy !req
855. I absolve you from your sins in the
name ofCopy !req
856. the Father, the Son and the
Holy Spirit.Copy !req
857. Amen.Copy !req
858. - So Barbara couldn't come tonight?
- No, she had this family thing tonight.Copy !req
859. But she wanted to make it,
she just couldn't.Copy !req
860. - She told me to say hello to you guys.
- That's sweet.Copy !req
861. Everything good with the two of you?Copy !req
862. - Yeah, she's great.
- She's a catch, Jonny.Copy !req
863. Beautiful girl.Copy !req
864. I'm telling you,
a woman like that make a boy into a man.Copy !req
865. I can see it on you too, it's starting.Copy !req
866. Holy Mary...Copy !req
867. Mother of God...Copy !req
868. pray for us sinners...Copy !req
869. now...Copy !req
870. and at the hour of our death.Copy !req
871. Amen.Copy !req
872. What the fuck?Copy !req
873. - The fuck you doing here?
- Damn, really?Copy !req
874. - Bro, I'm busy.
- Word, what you doing?Copy !req
875. Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up
your phone don't make you busy.Copy !req
876. - You smashed up somebody's car?
- Who told you that?Copy !req
877. Kerry's sister said she heard you broke
through some guy's window.Copy !req
878. - Well, did you?
- The guy was a fucking asshole.Copy !req
879. - What did he do?
- Why you taking his side?Copy !req
880. - I'm not taking his side.
- You are.Copy !req
881. Stop and think for a second.
Stop and think for a second.Copy !req
882. I don't care about that guy, I don't
give a damn about his car. Fuck him.Copy !req
883. What do you think I'm doing here, man?Copy !req
884. - You wanna have a seat?
- Bro, honestly...Copy !req
885. Man, sit your ass down.Copy !req
886. All right, what happened with
your girl?Copy !req
887. Fuck that bitch.Copy !req
888. You said that already. What, she drop
you?Copy !req
889. No.Copy !req
890. No? You drop her?
After all that, she cheat on you?Copy !req
891. - No!
- So, what happened?Copy !req
892. Nothing! It's so fucking stupid.
That's what I'm saying, she's a bitch.Copy !req
893. She did drop your ass.
What did you do, man? You cheat on her?Copy !req
894. No!Copy !req
895. All right, you wanna hear this shit?
It's so fucking retarded.Copy !req
896. She caught me watching porn.Copy !req
897. - That's it?
- Right?Copy !req
898. - That's bullshit.
- Swear to God.Copy !req
899. Oh, my God! OK, hold on, hold on,
all right.Copy !req
900. So after all that obligatory shit,
the friend mixing and meeting her folks,Copy !req
901. she just walks in on you, you know,
beating your meat to a little videoCopy !req
902. - and she's out?
- You don't know her.Copy !req
903. - She's crazy, she's a princess.
- Goddamn!Copy !req
904. - I know.
- No, for real,Copy !req
905. that's some crazy bullshit
right there.Copy !req
906. - Fuck that bitch.
- Yeah. Fuck that bitch.Copy !req
907. But you still gonna finish that class?Copy !req
908. - Really?
- What are you, my mom?Copy !req
909. No, I just thought it was almost done.
How much longer you got?Copy !req
910. All right, everyone,
three more weeks until the final.Copy !req
911. If you have any questions or
concerns,Copy !req
912. please feel free to
e-mail me. Have a good night.Copy !req
913. - Hey.
- Hi.Copy !req
914. - Where you going?
- To my car.Copy !req
915. Oh, shit!Copy !req
916. No, we're fine,
we're fine, we're fine.Copy !req
917. Oh, my God!Copy !req
918. Should've smoked this before,
you might've relaxed a little.Copy !req
919. What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
920. I'm playing with you. Trust me,
I'm a perfectly satisfied customer.Copy !req
921. - You want some?
- Thanks.Copy !req
922. So I'm parked all the way on the other
side. I don't know if you want...Copy !req
923. I know, you wanna get back,
so let me enjoyCopy !req
924. this and I'll drive you back to
your car.Copy !req
925. - So, what happened with your girlfriend?
- Fuck that bitch.Copy !req
926. - That bad? She find somebody else?
- No.Copy !req
927. Wanna know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.Copy !req
928. She snooped around on my computer,
she found out I watch porn.Copy !req
929. I told her every fucking guy watches porn,
she didn't believe me.Copy !req
930. She acted like I was cheating on her
or something, which I wasn't.Copy !req
931. So... we broke up.Copy !req
932. And you know what? I'm glad we did.Copy !req
933. - Just porn?
- Yeah.Copy !req
934. - No, I don't buy it.
- I'm telling you. That's all.Copy !req
935. Was it just once? Oh.Copy !req
936. OK. So she caught you once, which is why
you're watching it on your phone at school,Copy !req
937. 'cause you're hiding it from her,
but she caught you the second time.Copy !req
938. I don't know.
Am I right? I'm just guessing, but...Copy !req
939. Oh, God, you're like a junkie.
You can't stop.Copy !req
940. - How often do you watch it?
- What the fuck do you care?Copy !req
941. - No, like every day?
- Every guy watches porn every day.Copy !req
942. All right. When was the last time
you went a day without it?Copy !req
943. - I don't know.
- No, come on, try and think.Copy !req
944. - Seriously, I have no idea.
- Like this week, like this month?Copy !req
945. No. I like my porn, OK?
I watch it every day. I always have.Copy !req
946. Maybe when I was a kid, like before
I had a VCR in my room and I couldn't,Copy !req
947. but even then I had Playboys, so...Copy !req
948. - Have you ever thought about quitting?
- Quit...?Copy !req
949. You're talking about it like...
No, why would I?Copy !req
950. OK, let me ask you this.Copy !req
951. You're a good-looking guy, I'm sure you
attract a lot of young ladies.Copy !req
952. Why bother with porn
when you can have the real thing?Copy !req
953. Nah, see, it's not the same thing.Copy !req
954. I mean, real pussy's all good,
but, no offense...Copy !req
955. No, no, no offense taken.
So you like porn better than sex?Copy !req
956. Well, what is it?
What do you get from pornCopy !req
957. that you don't get from sex
with an actual person?Copy !req
958. - I lose myself.
- You lose yourself.Copy !req
959. Yeah, just... goodbye.Copy !req
960. And that doesn't happen when you
have sex.Copy !req
961. I wish it did.Copy !req
962. Sure, don't we all? Um...Copy !req
963. OK. One more question,
then I'll drive you back.Copy !req
964. - You ever jerk off without porn?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
965. I'm not like a junkie.
Come on, that's stupid.Copy !req
966. It's porn, it's not fucking heroin.Copy !req
967. I knew a few guys in high school who
actually smoked crack, like all the time.Copy !req
968. That's like a junkie. They couldn't stop.
I could stop if I wanted to. I could.Copy !req
969. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
970. - Somebody's excited.
- Yeah. Come on.Copy !req
971. - I wanted to talk to you.
- Yeah? What about?Copy !req
972. Don't you wanna...?Copy !req
973. Don't you wanna wait till after class?Copy !req
974. All right.Copy !req
975. You're... You're intense today.
What's going on with you?Copy !req
976. - I gotta talk to you.
- I didn't think you meant thatCopy !req
977. - when you said it.
- Well, I did.Copy !req
978. Well, I'm flattered.
What do you wanna talk about?Copy !req
979. Um...Copy !req
980. So you were right.Copy !req
981. - About what, your girlfriend?
- No.Copy !req
982. I'm sorry. I was right about what?Copy !req
983. - I stopped watching porn.
- Oh, yeah? That's great!Copy !req
984. - I don't know if it is.
- No, it is.Copy !req
985. I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was
thinking about what you asked me before,Copy !req
986. if I ever jerk off without watching porn,
and I tried to...Copy !req
987. - Yeah? And you couldn't?
- No, I couldn't.Copy !req
988. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've beenCopy !req
989. trying for a week, it's really
fucked up.Copy !req
990. - Oh, my God! You haven't cum in a week?
- Mm...Copy !req
991. OK, wait. No. I want to hear
the rest of the story.Copy !req
992. - So you haven't watched porn in a week.
- Yeah.Copy !req
993. - That's good.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
994. You said you watched porn.Copy !req
995. Uh, yeah, but that movie
that I gave you was totally...Copy !req
996. - Did you ever watch it?
- No.Copy !req
997. OK. It's totally unlike the stuff
that I imagine you watch every day.Copy !req
998. - That is not healthy.
- What do you mean? How do you know?Copy !req
999. Oh, my God, please!
That stuff is ridiculousCopy !req
1000. and it's nothing to do with actual sex.Copy !req
1001. That's why you have trouble with
real women.Copy !req
1002. - No, I get off fine with real girls.
- Yeah, you definitely do.Copy !req
1003. Yeah, I just couldn't get off
beating it with my eyes closed.Copy !req
1004. But didn't you tell me last week
that you like porn better than real sex?Copy !req
1005. Well, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you,
'cause it seems like that's what you want.Copy !req
1006. Look, the way you have sex,
it's like totally one-sided.Copy !req
1007. It's like I'm not even there.Copy !req
1008. I mean, look, it's fine with me.
I'm not complaining.Copy !req
1009. It just so happens that meaningless sex
is something that I want in my life now,Copy !req
1010. but you said that you
wanna lose yourself in sex.Copy !req
1011. If you wanna lose yourself, you have
to lose yourself in another person.Copy !req
1012. And she has to lose herself in you.
It's a two-way thing.Copy !req
1013. You know what? I shouldn't have said that.Copy !req
1014. - No, it's fine.
- No, no, no. I'm sorry. I am.Copy !req
1015. - What are you talking about?
- No. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
1016. I'm... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.Copy !req
1017. - You didn't. That's fine.
- No, I really didn't.Copy !req
1018. You know what?Copy !req
1019. Let's take a bath.Copy !req
1020. - What? Nah! - No, come on.
It'll be nice. It'll be nice.Copy !req
1021. Come on, let's take a bath.Copy !req
1022. I'm gonna get you a towel.Copy !req
1023. Hey, where were you?Copy !req
1024. I used one of the towels that was in there,
hope you don't mind.Copy !req
1025. Yeah, that's fine.Copy !req
1026. - What's wrong?
- Nothing.Copy !req
1027. - You don't live here alone, do you?
- I actually do.Copy !req
1028. There's some kind of...
bad marriage situation here?Copy !req
1029. - No.
- I know it's none of my business, sorry.Copy !req
1030. I don't wanna get caught out and now some
guy's coming at me with a bat or some shit.Copy !req
1031. No, it's nothing like that.Copy !req
1032. All right. So, what is it?Copy !req
1033. Since when do you ask
me personal questions?Copy !req
1034. Since right now.Copy !req
1035. - It really doesn't matter.
- Well, it seems like it matters to you.Copy !req
1036. No, it doesn't.Copy !req
1037. Didn't you tell me it's sort of fucked up
to keep stuff like this hidden?Copy !req
1038. My husband and my son died 14
months ago.Copy !req
1039. - Jesus!
- Thank you.Copy !req
1040. What happened?Copy !req
1041. Cars are terrible things.Copy !req
1042. I'm sorry, but your hair
is so much better this way.Copy !req
1043. - What?
- I can touch it.Copy !req
1044. - What are you talking about?
- You put so much junk in your hair,Copy !req
1045. it's all sticky and hard,
this is much better.Copy !req
1046. In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.Copy !req
1047. - Amen. Bless you, my son.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
1048. It has been one week
since my last confession.Copy !req
1049. - Tell me your sins.
- First of all, I lied to you before.Copy !req
1050. I told you that, uh...Copy !req
1051. Well, actually,
I don't know if it was you.Copy !req
1052. Something I've always kinda wondered is,Copy !req
1053. is it the same guy I'm talking to every
weekCopy !req
1054. or there's a few of you and you switch off,
or... how does that all work?Copy !req
1055. Well, anyway, I told the
Father a while backCopy !req
1056. that I stopped watching pornography,
but that was a lie, I didn't stop at all.Copy !req
1057. The thing is, this week I actually did stop,
like totally just not doing it anymore.Copy !req
1058. So...Copy !req
1059. - Yes?
- Yeah, so that's like zero for the week.Copy !req
1060. Other than that,
I did have sex out of wedlock one time,Copy !req
1061. but it was different,
it wasn't just sex, it was like...Copy !req
1062. I don't know, it's hard to explain,
but... yeah, that's it. So...Copy !req
1063. For these and all the sins of my life,
I am sorry.Copy !req
1064. - Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.
- Really? Same thing, no difference?Copy !req
1065. Through the ministry of the
Church, may God give you...Copy !req
1066. Wait! Father, I'm really sorry,Copy !req
1067. but could you just tell me how
you got to those numbers, please?Copy !req
1068. 'Cause I... I really thought there
was gonna be a difference this week.Copy !req
1069. Have faith, my son.Copy !req
1070. Through the ministry of the Church,
may God give you pardon and peace,Copy !req
1071. and I absolve you from your sins in
the nameCopy !req
1072. of the Father, the Son and the
Holy Spirit.Copy !req
1073. - So, uh... me and Barbara split up.
- What?Copy !req
1074. - Barbara and I split up.
- I can't believe it, this is horrible!Copy !req
1075. - Can you get her back?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
1076. - Did you try to call her?
- She doesn't want me to call her.Copy !req
1077. - Look what you did.
- Sorry. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
1078. I just want you to be happy,
that's all! Is that too much to ask?Copy !req
1079. - I wasn't happy.
- A nice wife and some nice kids?Copy !req
1080. Look at me!
I look like a grandmother,Copy !req
1081. but do I have any grandchildren? No!Copy !req
1082. Am I a bad mother,
is that what I'm hearing?Copy !req
1083. - Honey, calm down, please!
- You know, Ma, I don't knowCopy !req
1084. if I really want a wife and kids.Copy !req
1085. What are you saying? You don't mean
that.Copy !req
1086. - Jon, say something!
- All right!Copy !req
1087. Stop upsetting your mother!
What the fuck is the matter with you?Copy !req
1088. - I don't know.
- Having a family is the greatest joyCopy !req
1089. - in a man's life, everybody knows that!
- Then maybe I'm not a man.Copy !req
1090. 'Cause I sure don't want a family.
Maybe one day, but not right now!Copy !req
1091. - Well, and that's all she wanted.
- What did she say?Copy !req
1092. - I said that that girl...
- I cannot hear any fucking thing!Copy !req
1093. - What are you saying?
- All I'm saying is, that girl,Copy !req
1094. she has her own agenda.
She doesn't care about Jonny,Copy !req
1095. she doesn't know
the first thing about him.Copy !req
1096. She just wants a guy who's
gonna do whatever she tells him to.Copy !req
1097. It is a good thing
that she broke up with you.Copy !req
1098. - Thanks.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
1099. - Jon, I will fucking kill you!
- All right. Easy.Copy !req
1100. All right, listen, listen, I gotta go,
so I'll see you later? All right. Bye.Copy !req
1101. - Sorry.
- That's cool.Copy !req
1102. - Sorry about that.
- No problem. How you doing?Copy !req
1103. - A little windy.
- Yeah, it's windy out here.Copy !req
1104. - So... I'm good. How are you?
- Good, thanks.Copy !req
1105. - Everybody good?
- Yeah, great.Copy !req
1106. - Thanks for meeting me.
- Sure.Copy !req
1107. Hope you understand why I thought lunch
was not a good idea.Copy !req
1108. - That's fine. You want some coffee? - No,
actually I gotta go pretty soon, so...Copy !req
1109. - You changed your hair?
- Yeah...Copy !req
1110. - So?
- Yeah, so...Copy !req
1111. I just wanted to apologize.Copy !req
1112. I lied to you, and I'm sorry for that.Copy !req
1113. Well, that's all you're gonna say?Copy !req
1114. I don't really know what I do with that.
What do I say?Copy !req
1115. I forgive you, or we're supposed
to get back together or something?Copy !req
1116. - No. No, I just wanted to tell you... -
You're not capable of a relationship, Jon.Copy !req
1117. - You're not.
- No. Right now I'm not.Copy !req
1118. 'Cause you're a selfish person,
and you're a liar.Copy !req
1119. - Yeah, I was. I'm sorry.
- I asked you to do one thing for me...Copy !req
1120. Yeah. I was thinking about that
when you said it before.Copy !req
1121. Well, I said it because it's true,
that's why.Copy !req
1122. - It's not true.
- Really?Copy !req
1123. You didn't only ask me for one thing.
You asked for a lot,Copy !req
1124. a lot of different things and then...Copy !req
1125. I couldn't do it all for you.Copy !req
1126. Well, when a real man loves a woman,
he doesn't mind doing things for her.Copy !req
1127. He'll do anything for her.Copy !req
1128. Yeah, but don't you think that
sounds a little bit one-sided?Copy !req
1129. No, I don't.Copy !req
1130. But that's why you like to watch
those whores in those videos,Copy !req
1131. because you don't gotta
do anything for them, right?Copy !req
1132. Yeah, that's one-sided also. Definitely.Copy !req
1133. Look, sweetie, I'm gonna go, OK?Copy !req
1134. Don't call me anymore.Copy !req
1135. The streak is over, motherfucker!
How's it feel?Copy !req
1136. - I'd rather get pizza with my boys.
- That's new.Copy !req
1137. Every fucking time we go out,
Don Jon smashes!Copy !req
1138. But not tonight, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1139. The fans are devastated.
Jonny, what happened?Copy !req
1140. Yeah! Well, I thought it was on
with old crop top.Copy !req
1141. - No, that girl was annoying.
- She was tight though.Copy !req
1142. - Eight.
- Solid eight.Copy !req
1143. Her body was at least an eight,
but you didn't talk to her.Copy !req
1144. - Who cares how she talks?
- You asked why I didn't smash,Copy !req
1145. that's why I didn't smash. What about you?
You were kicking it to pony-tail, right?Copy !req
1146. - How did it go?
- You get her name?Copy !req
1147. - I got a number.
- Oh! Hey!Copy !req
1148. - You like that?
- Fucking right I do!Copy !req
1149. - Easy, easy. Did you get her name?
- Yeah!Copy !req
1150. Wait...Copy !req
1151. - Oh, fuck!
- What?Copy !req
1152. I saved it as pony-tail.Copy !req
1153. - Danny-boy!
- Danny-boy!Copy !req
1154. All right, all right, all right.
Take it easy, take it easy.Copy !req
1155. This fucking lady.Copy !req
1156. I don't usually like it when a girl
looks me right in the eye,Copy !req
1157. and this girl does that a lot.Copy !req
1158. But I don't know what it is about her.
When she does it, I don't mind.Copy !req
1159. I just look right back at her,
and pretty soon...Copy !req
1160. I'm hard as a fucking rock.Copy !req
1161. It's like she knows what I'm thinking.Copy !req
1162. Or I know what she's thinking, or...Copy !req
1163. I don't know, it's that two-way thing.
I fucking love it.Copy !req
1164. And I don't mean love like,
"I love her, I wanna marry her."Copy !req
1165. I'm definitely not thinking
about all that shit.Copy !req
1166. And she's not either.Copy !req
1167. She can't.Copy !req
1168. I guess I just mean love like,Copy !req
1169. you know, like when we're making love.Copy !req
1170. And while we're doing it,
all the bullshit does fade away,Copy !req
1171. and it's just me and her, right there,Copy !req
1172. and yeah, I do lose myself in her,Copy !req
1173. and I can tell she is losing herself in me,Copy !req
1174. and we're just fucking... lost together.Copy !req