Dolemite Is My Name (2019)

1. I ain't lying, man. People love me.

2. Hey, if you play this song,

3. I guarantee motherfuckers'll start hopping and squirming.

4. When I used to play this record live, motherfuckers would actually faint.

5. They would faint on the floor.

6. I'd have to call the amba-lance and pick all these motherfuckers up.

7. Every time I played this. They start callin' the hospital in advance

8. and tell them, "Rudy gonna be singing tonight.

9. Make sure y'all ready, 'cause we finna be carrying motherfuckers out the club."

10. "Buggy Ride"?

11. Hey, that ain't no small-time shit, man.

12. Goddamn, Rudy. I got Marvin Gaye singing "Let's Get It On."

13. I can't be playin' no "Buggy Ride."

14. - I got 60 seconds to get to the next tune. - Okay, man, how about this?

15. This a nice R&B single.

16. It's a catchy thing called "Step It Up and Go."

17. Heh. Come on, are you for real?

18. Hey, man, that shit right there was monumental.

19. That's my number one selling single.

20. Put the shit in rotation, see what happens.

21. This looks like something my grandfather would listen to, you dig?

22. No. Forty-five seconds.

23. Okay, man. Look, I saved the best for last.

24. Now that's a smash, huh?

25. "Ring A Ling A Dong"?

26. - I ain't heard this one yet. - Hey, that's a catchy motherfucker, man.

27. Rudy. Man, I only play the hits.

28. Hey, but that should've been a hit, man.

29. Those motherfuckers at Federal Records was gonna take it all the way to the top.

30. Man, they signed me. Was gonna do it all. Promote the shit out of the thang,

31. and then they signed that fucking James Brown.

32. He come out jumping around, doing splits and shit

33. and shaking his black ass and sucked up all the attention.

34. Say, man, do you think I wanna work at a ghetto record store as a DJ?

35. Sometimes our dreams just don't come true.

36. They still can.

37. Nah, brother. We missed our shots.

38. I think we both need to get back to work.

39. All right, man. Thanks for nothing.

40. Marvin Gaye ain't shit.

41. S-L-Y to the Family Stone. You're rocking with your main man, DJ Roj,

42. large and in charge on your favorite radio station...

43. Los Angeles.

44. - Can you dig it? - Hey, man, can I pay for this?

45. All right, young blood.

46. How you doing today, young brother? All right, man.

47. Stevie Wonder and Stylistics.

48. Yeah, you listen to the good stuff.

49. Man, you got shipments piled up in back, and I been on this register all morning.

50. - Sorry I'm late, Rudy. My apologies. - Move your ass. Man, here's your change.

51. My apologies.

52. Ring that up for me, Toney.

53. Hey, my man.

54. All right.

55. Ladies and gentlemen, it is so good to be here tonight.

56. I only recently returned back from Broadway.

57. Yes, I was on Broadway.

58. I was on Broadway for six whole months

59. standing on the corner trying to find a job.

60. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

61. "Are you gonna breathe with that small thing?"

62. All right, without any further ado, I'd like to bring to the stage...

63. The hot musical sounds of our headliner... The Ben Taylor Band.

64. Come on, give it up for The Ben Taylor Band.

65. Hoo.

66. - Hey, the show popping tonight, huh? - Rudy, you went over your limit.

67. The people was enjoying my appeal, so I stretched it out a little bit.

68. The deal is five minutes.

69. Hey, I ain't on the marquee out front. How come you didn't put me on the front?

70. You the emcee. Nobody paying to see you.

71. Maybe they would, Mr. Allen. I was thinking,

72. maybe you should just consider getting me my own slot.

73. Know what I mean? 'Cause I'm a total entertainment experience.

74. I sing, I do comedy, and I dance,

75. and I do a dance called adagio dancing

76. where I come out in a turban, and I do it to a African beat.

77. - It's very erotic. - Rudy, that's 1950.

78. Vaudeville is dead. I don't need an all-in-one.

79. Shit, I ain't that old.

80. Who do you think I am, Pigmeat Markham or Moms Mabley?

81. I got something to offer.

82. Rat soup-eatin' motherfucker.

83. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

84. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take you to the track one more time.

85. And here's a late scratch, ladies and gentlemen.

86. Anna's Ass has been scratched.

87. It's not the first time Anna's Ass has been scratched.

88. The last one was a shame,

89. because I would love to have seen Anna's Ass up against My Dick today.

90. That's some funny shit.

91. He ain't that funny. He just cussing up a storm.

92. He ain't cussing.

93. It's clever. I don't know. See...

94. My Dick ain't his dick. My Dick is actually his horse.

95. I know what My Dick is. I ain't a fucking imbecile.

96. He's just using a double entendre so the police don't come get his ass.

97. You know, I used to work with Redd Foxx.

98. - You knew Redd Foxx? - Oh, yeah.

99. We was in the kitchen washing dishes together,

100. but I worked with the motherfucker.

101. One day, he went up in front of the right promoter, got his big break.

102. Oh, here go that fucking Ricco.

103. Ah, man, he smells like urine. He be touching the door.

104. - Man, go stop him. - I'm not stopping shit, man.

105. I'm assistant manager. I'm delegating to you.

106. You deal with stinking-ass Ricco.

107. I'm not going anywhere near them germs, man.

108. Ricco responds best to authority, so the manager should do it.

109. Oh, shit, man.

110. Hell, no, Ricco. Not today.

111. I was born in a barrel of butcher knives.

112. Been shot in the ass by two Colt.45s.

113. I know, I know.

114. Been slapped by a bear and bit by an eel.

115. I chew up railroad iron, and I shit out steel.

116. All right, nigga, let's go. That's it.

117. Jumped in the ocean and swallowed a whale.

118. Handcuffed lightning, throwed thunder's ass in jail.

119. Look, Ricco, this ain't no place for your hobo stories.

120. Whoa, I ain't no hobo.

121. I am a repository of Afro-American folklore.

122. Come on. Lookit, brother. I just need some money to get something to eat.

123. I ain't got no teeth. All I can do is sip on some soup.

124. Come on, give me a quarter.

125. Ricco, I'm gonna give you a quarter. You go get you some soup.

126. Then you just got to get up out of here. Let's go, man.

127. - Get my black ass on. - Go on now. All right, okay.

128. First, I'm gonna tell you one of the funniest fuckin' things you ever did hear.

129. - Oh, come on, man. - Some people think that Willie Green...

130. was the baddest man the world had ever seen.

131. But I want you to light up a joint, screw your wig on tight,

132. and let me tell you about a little bad motherfucker

133. called Dolemite.

134. Man, I haven't heard those in a long time.

135. - Dolemite, Signifying Monkey. - He did all of them ones.

136. 'Cause I had a uncle that was in jail,

137. and they was doing that shit all the time, telling jokes,

138. 'cause they had nothing else to do.

139. You could fuck.

140. Yes, Toney, you could fuck, but we ain't talking about that right now.

141. Hey, you know what I was thinking, man.

142. What y'all think would happen if somebody took those jokes...

143. a professional, and polished them, and turn it into a act?

144. Yeah, and did it on a stoop.

145. - In a barbershop? - Yeah, in a barbershop.

146. - Rudy, that's a good idea. - Yeah, man, that shit could work.

147. Say, Rudy man, all them slave jokes, that shit not gonna work.

148. I wouldn't put it in my act, personally.

149. - Hey, man, funny is funny. - They're not ready for the big time.

150. I don't know what time it's gonna make it to, but the shit is funny.

151. Look here. Them white folks gonna see that country-ass nigga get up onstage

152. and say, "Now what in the fuck is he about to say now?"

153. Before I go out, I always keep "The Morning After" in my hip pocket,

154. - just in case there's any white faces. - What the hell is "The Morning After"?

155. Don't be ignant. The love theme from The Poseidon Adventure.

156. Oh, man, what in the fuck you gonna learn that shit for?

157. You ain't gonna never play that for whitey.

158. Last thing they wanna see

159. is your big black ass onstage singing "The Morning After."

160. And I know you ain't sitting here criticizing nobody.

161. You stealing jokes from hobos and bums arou...

162. He got you there, Rudy.

163. Hey, you know what?

164. Fuck you, niggas. Fuck y'all know, anyway?

165. Rudy.

166. Rudy.

167. Man, I'm sorry. We was just havin' a little fun.

168. Hey, man, how'd my life get so damn small?

169. I came out here with some big plans, Jimmy.

170. I was gonna do it all, just like Sammy Davis Jr.

171. Movies, concerts, TV. Everything.

172. This job at Dolphin's supposed to be my temporary day job.

173. Cut to a million years later, it's all I got.

174. - You still got the Californian Club. - Oh, man. That ain't gonna lead to shit.

175. I ain't got nothing nobody want.

176. - Man, he got somethin'. - Yeah.

177. Man, who the... Who is this?

178. I don't know, man. You ever seen him?

179. - No, I ain't never seen any... - Hey, brothers.

180. How y'all doing tonight? I'm trying to find Ricco.

181. Ricco? Who in the fuck is that?

182. That's a old bum with no teeth.

183. You mean like this?

184. Oh, shit. Guess that ain't narrow it down at all, did it?

185. It ain't like it used to be.

186. This neighborhood been went to shit, man. It's sad, sad, sad.

187. You see this building over here? That's the Dunbar Hotel.

188. That used to be the center of black arts entertainment.

189. I saw Duke Ellington there, Billie Holiday,

190. but now it's just filled with a bunch of junkies and winos.

191. - Junkies and winos. - Tony, I'm gonna pay your money. Shit.

192. Oh, shit. There he go right there.

193. - Ricco. Hey, man. - That what you been talking about?

194. Hey, brother! How you doing, Ricco?

195. - What's going on, man? - I don't know you.

196. Yeah, man. I'm your friend from Dolphin's Records.

197. Ain't you the son of a bitch that throws me out?

198. Oh, no, Ricco. That's that other guy, man.

199. Hey, man, look. Look here, man. I got some money, and I got some hooch.

200. How you like to sit down and tell me your stories?

201. Cocaine Shorty's my name. Fuckin' is my claim.

202. You can line 98 hos up against a wall, I bet you a dollar I can fuck 'em all.

203. - I can top that. - Oh, no, you can't top that.

204. Hey, neither can he.

205. - I'm the funniest motherfucker out here. - Hey, don't need to argue, fellas.

206. Hold on now. I got some more money.

207. I wanna hear from all the liquor store wise men.

208. Okay, let's go now. What's next?

209. I fucked an elephant and her mother.

210. I fucked the bull, the cow, and her brother.

211. I need a better punchline.

212. Fucked a... cow... bull, a cow.

213. Fucked a elephant. Dared her to mutter.

214. I could look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butter.

215. That is funny.

216. Fucked an elephant down to a coon.

217. Even fucked the same... Yes, I fucked an elephant down to a coon.

218. I fucked a elephant down to a coon!

219. Yes, I fucked a elephant down to a coon.

220. Even fucked the same cow that jumped over the motherfucking moon.

221. I got kicked out of South America for fucking steers.

222. I fucked a she elephant till she broke down in tears.

223. I got thrown out of South America for fucking steers.

224. I fucked King Kong's mama till she broke down in tears.

225. Dole-Dolemite is my...

226. Dolemite is my name.

227. Way down in the jungle deep,

228. lion stepped on the s...

229. Way down in the jungle deep...

230. a lion stepped on a signified monkey's feet!

231. Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my game!

232. All right.

233. How it is that he can take you beautiful people with him?

234. That's my kinfolk. Come on now.

235. Stay right here. Yes, sir.

236. The fuck is you in tux? What'd you do to your hair? You look like a pimp.

237. I come up with a new character and all new material, too.

238. Well, actually, it's old material.

239. I don't need this.

240. Just stick to your regular set.

241. It's always somethin'.

242. Way down in the jungle deep...

243. the lion stepped on the signified monkey's feet.

244. The monkey said, "Motherfucker, can't you see...

245. you standing on my goddamn feet?"

246. The lion said, "I ain't heard a word you said.

247. If you say three more, I'll jump off on your motherfucking head."

248. Man, don't give me that Buddy Hackett shit.

249. Make that shit swing. Put your weight on it.

250. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

251. But the monkey got wise and started using his wit.

252. Said, "I think I'm gonna bring an end to all this ass-kicking shit."

253. He ran up on the lion the very next day.

254. He said, "Oh, Mr. Lion",

255. there's a big, bad, burly motherfucker coming your way."

256. He said, "And he's somebody that you don't know..."

257. 'cause he just broke-a loose from Ringling Brothers' show."

258. Said, "He talked about your people in a hell of a way."

259. Yes, he talked about your people till my hair turned gray."

260. He said, "Your daddy's a freak, and your mama's a whore."

261. Said, "He spotted you in the jungle sellin' your black ass from door to door."

262. He said, "Your sister got down and did a hell of a trick."

263. "She got so low, she sucked a earthworm's dick."

264. He said he corn-holed your uncle, fucked your auntie and your niece,

265. and the next time he see your grandma, he gonna get him another good piece.

266. I ain't lying!

267. Smells good.

268. - Just like back home, right? - Yes, Lord.

269. Say, when's the last time you been back to Arkansas?

270. Oh, a long time. I ain't got a lot of good memories from back home,

271. so I don't be thinking about back home much.

272. Basically, when I think about back home, I think, "Fuck back home."

273. Hey, you know, Auntie?

274. Mm-hmm?

275. You know, I was thinking about maybe putting out another record.

276. Another record? Why don't you help me get rid of some of that shit

277. that's stacked up over there in the corner? "Another record."

278. This time, I'm gonna put out a comedy record.

279. Comedy? You've been a singer, you've been a shake dancer,

280. and one time, I think you even called yourself a fortune teller.

281. You know it's real hard to break in. I'd do whatever it takes to get in.

282. Is it gonna be like that cute lil' Bill Cosby?

283. He's so sweet.

284. He tells those family tales about the kids playing in the street,

285. playing jacks and such. I like that.

286. Yeah, there's gonna be stories about family and kids

287. - and a grandma and grandpa. - Oh, that's nice.

288. So, yeah, it's gonna be stories, but listen. Here's what the thing is.

289. - I'm trying to be entrepreneurial on this. - Oh, let us bow our heads and pray.

290. Father God, I wanna thank you for giving me the strength

291. to make this meal for my beloved family.

292. Let us nourish our body in Jesus' name. Amen.

293. - Thank you, Lord. - All right, then.

294. Thank you for this pork chop. Now, as I was saying...

295. - You want some hot sauce? - Come on now, Auntie, now.

296. I wanna be entrepreneurial on this thing, and I need you to loan me some money

297. - so I can get some recording equipment. - No, no.

298. - Mm-mmm. - Come on, Auntie. You rich, woman.

299. I'm not rich. What make you think I'm rich?

300. What happened to all that money you made when you fell off that bus?

301. Uh, that is my money to do with what I want to,

302. and I only got $250.

303. That's exactly how much I need to be a star.

304. - Come on, woman. Loan me... - I got my coat on layaway...

305. - Please... - I'm already into 'em for $50...

306. She gonna give me the money.

307. 'Cause you about to cut off my air supply. Get up from around my neck.

308. - Why you so fucking stingy, then? - Ain't this a bitch?

309. Give me the money, woman.

310. Why the hell is there a line? You told me we were going to a party.

311. We are going to a party. We're making a party record.

312. Come on in. Come on in. Watch your step.

313. - Watch your step. - Gimme some skin, baby.

314. Come on in. Watch your step.

315. Fedco gin? I didn't even know they made alcohol.

316. Nigga, we ain't going for flavor.

317. Look, I don't see how this can work. We should be in a real club.

318. I don't wanna hear that shit. We got what we got. Gotta make it work.

319. - You're my producer, right? - I am?

320. What do you think we're doing here? We producing an album.

321. - Okay. - Okay, all right? Come here, man.

322. Okay.

323. Hey, man, get these people limber and loose.

324. Right, right, right, right.

325. Producer.

326. Oh, guess I'm producing.

327. All right, y'all know what it is. Y'all know what time it is.

328. It's show time, y'all. Come on now.

329. Give yourself a round of applause.

330. Okay, I want everybody to have a good time tonight.

331. We doing a album this evening, a live recording.

332. We got a engineer back there. He's professional.

333. That nigga done been on Leave It to Beaver and Gunsmoke. All kinds of shit.

334. Okay. Yeah, all right, y'all. The time we've been waiting for.

335. The man of the hour. The man, the myth.

336. You love him, and I love him.

337. Put your hands together for Rudy Ray Moore.

338. All right now.

339. Some folks say Willie Green...

340. was the baddest motherfucker that the world had ever seen.

341. I want you to light you up a joint, take a real good shit,

342. and screw your wig on tight.

343. And let me tell you about that bad motherfucker called Dolemite.

344. Dolemite. Come on, Rudy.

345. Now, Dolemite was born in San Antone.

346. A rambling, gambling, scrambling motherfucker

347. since the day he was born.

348. On the day he was dropped from his mammy's ass...

349. he slapped his pappy in the face, and said,

350. "From now on, cocksucker, I'm running this place."

351. - At the age of one... - Okay, I've heard enough.

352. - Hey, but you haven't even got to the... - It's filthy. And I know filthy.

353. Jesus, you can't play that over the radio.

354. And you can't sell it over the counter in most cities.

355. Record stores, they don't wanna be raided.

356. Raided? Hey, come on, man. The world has changed.

357. Deep Throat is a big-ass hit movie, and the lady sucks a cock in every scene.

358. Yeah, in porno houses.

359. Record stores, they're a family business.

360. Kids go in.

361. Uh, look, on vinyl, you can call a guy a cocksucker,

362. but you can't say he sucks a cock.

363. - Can you grasp the distinction? - No, I do not.

364. If I want to say that a woman's pussy is so hot,

365. it makes a motherfucker's asshole burn, then I'm gonna say it!

366. Then say it.

367. But you've got a product here that you can't sell or promote.

368. What'd he say?

369. Shit, man, we just got into some legal semantic argument about cocksucking.

370. You know what, man? Fuck him. We gonna put this shit out ourself.

371. Come on.

372. - Say, Rudy. What's with the devil faces? - I want it to look illegal.

373. Real naughty. Like some shit they ain't supposed to have.

374. Yes, I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick.

375. Ate nine tons of cat shit and ain't never got sick.

376. Rudy.

377. I fucked bitches and paid my rent.

378. I don't owe a living ass a motherfucking cent.

379. So, motherfuckers, can't you see?

380. I pity the son of a bitch that fucks with me.

381. I can walk the desert sand and never leave a track.

382. Fuck the hump out of a camel's back.

383. Hey, man. All right, wait for a second. Wanna buy one of these ashtrays, nigga?

384. Welcome back to the Californian Club

385. Mr. Dolemite himself... Rudy Ray Moore.

386. Yes, I want you to listen and listen well.

387. 'Cause I'm that bad motherfucker that drove the devil out of hell.

388. I once walked from New York City to the deep, deep South

389. just to slap a son of a bitch in his motherfucking mouth.

390. All right.

391. Mules have kicked me, and they didn't bruise my hide.

392. A rattlesnake bit me and then just crawled off and died.

393. 'Cause Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my game.

394. He said, "Your daddy's a freak, and your mama's a whore."

395. Said he spotted you in the jungle selling your black ass from door-to-door.

396. Quiet. Listen.

397. Said your sister got down and did a hell of a trick.

398. She got so low she sucked a earthworm's dick.

399. - What the hell is this? - Every black hipster is listening to it.

400. You go down Crenshaw, South Central, Baldwin Hills...

401. this is blasting out of every door.

402. It's insane.

403. The guy is actually selling it out of his car trunk.

404. And you think this can cross over?

405. To who? Whites?

406. No. To blacks who don't shop out of car trunks.

407. I just want to say to all you Bihari brothers

408. that I am ecstatic.

409. Anything y'all want me to do, man.

410. Whatever it takes to make this record go up the charts, I'm ready to do it.

411. Okay, Rudy. We're glad to hear that.

412. If y'all need me on the Chitlin Circuit, I can do that.

413. I know all the clubs. I could hit the radio stations...

414. Right, right.

415. We have a crack marketing promotion team. We'll figure this out.

416. All my life, I've been wanting to be famous, you know?

417. But this is more than that. This is about connecting with the people.

418. You know, this is my moment.

419. So anyway, the name of the album is "Eat Out More Often," right?

420. So I'm thinking we got the girl lying on the day bed,

421. you're sneaking up on her, you're peering over spread legs.

422. See what I'm saying?

423. Lemme show you what me and Crystal worked out.

424. Crystal, honey, show 'em what we worked out.

425. I'm like Muhammad Ali. We getting ready to shock the worlds.

426. I got to be totally outrageous.

427. That's what I'm talking about.

428. Hey, give me that. Crystal, lay out here for a second for me, honey.

429. - How do you want me? - Just lay out on the thing here.

430. Uh, yeah, I like that. Put that over just a little bit.

431. Just... Gimme... You know, gimme somethin'. Yeah. And hold on to this.

432. Oh, shit now.

433. Yeah, something like this.

434. Yes, it sure is good to be here in Mississippi.

435. The only place where the ducks fly upside down,

436. 'cause it ain't nothing worth shitting on.

437. I used to know a fella from Mississippi. He was so dumb.

438. This motherfucker was so dumb, he thought manual labor was a Mexican.

439. He was so dumb, he thought that Kotex was mattress for mice.

440. This motherfucker was so dumb, he turned down a blow job

441. 'cause he thought they'd stop giving him his unemployment check.

442. I ain't lying. This was a dumb motherfucker.

443. I'm sitting here with Mr. Rudy Ray Moore,

444. who will be appearing here in Macon, Georgia, this Saturday night.

445. Yes, at Jasper's on Fifth Street.

446. All the pretty girls gotta pay half price.

447. Ugly girls get in for free.

448. Put your weight on it! Put your weight on it.

449. Put your weight on it.

450. Put your weight on it! Put your weight on it.

451. Put your weight on it.

452. My, my, my, my. My, my, my.

453. Woman, you better close your legs 'fore I eat off your drawers.

454. The other day, I was with a young lady. I said to her, "Do you have a cherry?"

455. She said, "Rudy, of course I have a cherry.

456. But it's been pushed back so damn far, you could use it as a fucking taillight."

457. Look at it.

458. Uh-uh.

459. When you see it moving like that, it's talking to me.

460. Not only can it talk, it can sing, too.

461. You don't believe it can sing?

462. You don't believe it can sing? You don't believe it can sing?

463. Hey, baby, sing for my brother.

464. Damn!

465. Now, we all know what we've been waiting for.

466. The "now" comedian.

467. Like a "now" generation.

468. Mr. Dolemite himself.

469. Mr. Rudy Ray Moore.

470. Bobby Rush.

471. Good to see you, man.

472. Come on, let's hear it for Bobby Rush, the prince of the blues, y'all!

473. I know one thing... this microphone smell like ass.

474. Yeah.

475. Hey, bartender, how about a drink for the pretty girl?

476. Come on now. I know what the hell I am.

477. I ain't pretty, and I sure as hell ain't no goddamn girl.

478. I'll have a daiquiri.

479. Your ass should be headlining here tomorrow with that right hand you got.

480. - That was a hell of a fight. - Fight? Shit.

481. You know, she can go on ahead and have his sorry ass

482. and his dangling ball sack.

483. Fucking breath smell like mildewed goddamn garlic.

484. He shouldn't be spending that paycheck for all his run-around hussies

485. when we got our son out here with holes in his britches and shoes.

486. How about that?

487. I'm Rudy.

488. - Lady Reed. - Lady Reed.

489. You ever been up onstage, Lady Reed?

490. Nah, I ain't show folk.

491. Oh, shit. Yeah, you are. I could tell.

492. Some people walk around with their own little personal spotlight.

493. I noticed that in you right 'fore you knocked that nigga on his ass.

494. I used to be a backup singer in New Orleans.

495. I knew it. I told you.

496. - You sure do. - Singer, huh?

497. I'd get so nervous,

498. I had to hang on to the mic from not falling over.

499. Butterflies all in my stomach. Once, I even shit on the goddamn stage.

500. Yeah.

501. You're funny. You should be doing stand-up.

502. Nigga, you trying to hit on me?

503. Because I just broke up five minutes ago on my cheating-ass man.

504. - I'm really not in the fucking mood. - No. I'm serious.

505. Maybe you should be onstage like me.

506. Sweet Jesus.

507. I mean, I can make my son laugh.

508. But what... what would I do?

509. I'm not really no pimp.

510. I ain't got no stable of whores. I just created a character.

511. I do it all the time. I been Prince DuMarr.

512. I been the Harlem Hillbilly. And tonight, look at this here.

513. - Tug on my shit. - Tug on what?

514. - Tug on my sh... Just tug on me. - Tug on this?

515. Mm-hmm. Just give a little tug.

516. Don't tug too hard. Don't take the motherfucker off.

517. - Oh, shit. That's a motherfucking wig. - That's right.

518. It's all pretend. Put on a cape and turn into a fucking superhero.

519. Leave the real you behind. Go onstage and...

520. Magic, huh?

521. You a trip.

522. Yes. And now, ladies and gentlemen...

523. without any further ado,

524. I wanna introduce to y'all the first lady of Comedian International.

525. Come on, give it up for Queen Bee. Queen Bee. Come on, give it up, y'all.

526. Queen Bee. The first lady.

527. All right! Y'all know me!

528. Queen Bee.

529. Chicken-shit whores come and get advice from me.

530. Now, my drawers, they may be raggedy. But they be, oh, so clean.

531. 'Cause, honey, I got some of the best pussy

532. that you done ever seen.

533. So much money!

534. Rudy, you got a phone call.

535. A one-eyed shooter.

536. - Hello? - Rudy?

537. Rudy, it's Joe Bihari. I've been looking all over for you.

538. - Have you seen Billboard? - Man, you sound crazy as cat shit.

539. I'm outside Tallahassee. Closest billboard is a hundred miles away.

540. Well, you're on the charts.

541. What?

542. I'm serious, my friend. Shooting straight up with a bullet.

543. Now get your ass back to I.A. We need to record some more albums.

544. Ladies and gentlemen, Dolemite himself... Mr. Rudy Ray Moore!

545. We love you, Rudy.

546. Flow like a river.

547. - Yeah! - Amen.

548. How's it goin', baby?

549. What's going on, my man? Yeah, yeah.

550. Hey, y'all, excuse me a second, man. Hey!

551. So will you play my record now, man?

552. My apologies, Mr. Dolemite. Coming right up.

553. Play that shit now. That's the good stuff.

554. Oh, you dirty motherfucker. Don't play that song.

555. Hey. You know you ain't right. Come on now. Play the right thing, man.

556. You know that ain't right, man. Hey, you know what?

557. That's still a bad motherfucker.

558. Merry Christmas, man.

559. What the funk is it?

560. Man, I'm gonna kill 'em with this. I'm gonna have 'em with the boots.

561. I almost kept that myself, man.

562. You deserve it, man. Merry Christmas to all of y'all.

563. - Thank you, Rudy. It's hot. - Yeah, I'm gonna get this, too.

564. Oh, I know damn sure you is. Shit, all that money he getting.

565. Hey, guys, I used to go see a movie every Christmas.

566. Y'all wanna see something? Lemme treat y'all to a picture show.

567. - How 'bout Blackenstein? - Oh, I wanna see Shaft in Africa.

568. Hey, how about Front Page?

569. The newspaper said it was the best, funniest thing in town.

570. I feel like laughing. Let's go laugh.

571. - Let's do it, shit. - All right.

572. Gonna mention the Examiner? Don't we take credit?

573. - In the second paragraph. - Who's gonna read the second?

574. For 15 years, I've been trying to teach you how to write a lead.

575. Do I have to do everything myself? Get the story? Write the story?

576. Listen, Saphead, I could blow a better story

577. out of my as... my nose than you can write!

578. Goddamn dilettante. Maybe Philadelphia is where you belong.

579. Making up jingles for Burma-Shave.

580. Oh, really? Well, who wrote

581. the Deathbed Confession of Three-Finger Banducci, huh?

582. Hey, man, what the fuck is this? This shit ain't funny.

583. I don't get it.

584. - The fuck are they talking about? - I don't know shit.

585. Who is Herbert Hoover?

586. - And it ain't no brothers in it, either. - Shh.

587. Hey, don't "shh" me, Sandy Duncan.

588. - What the fuck was that, man? - That was some bullshit.

589. Nobody even got naked. Was that even a real movie?

590. I told him let's go see Blackenstein.

591. Why do these creaky old people get to star in movies?

592. - White folks get all the breaks. - Say, Rudy.

593. Since when you ain't saying shit?

594. I was just thinking, man.

595. This movie's playing 'cross the whole country.

596. It ain't got no titties, no funny, and no kung fu.

597. I was watching at that light that come out the projector.

598. They shine that motherfucker across the theater

599. onto a 80-foot-tall screen and then bam... it's like magic.

600. Know how many mule miles I had to drive cross this country

601. to get my name in people's mouth?

602. I got to get up on that light.

603. If I get up in that light, with my own movie,

604. I could be everywhere.

605. I could be everywhere all at once.

606. I have a gigantic fan base.

607. Just did a national tour, just got back from it.

608. And I had two albums hit the Billboard charts at the same time.

609. That's why I feel it's time for me to make my move to the big screen.

610. Right. If I could just shoot straight with you?

611. When we say gigantic fan base, aren't we really just talking about

612. a small group of passionate brothers and sisters here or there?

613. I mean, your appeal is limited.

614. It's not exactly like you're playing the Apollo.

615. Now, surely you wouldn't suggest for American International

616. to invest the likes of $300,000 to turn this into a major production.

617. Yeah, but come on, man. I see all y'all's posters here.

618. I fit in perfect.

619. Black folks love me.

620. Yeah, you see, that's the thing here, Rudy.

621. Here, we do a certain type of black picture.

622. The actors we hire are like, uh, Fred Williamson, Jim Brown.

623. Now, see, you on the other hand, you're a bit doughier than them, you see?

624. Doughier?

625. Well, hey, man, I put on a girdle. What I got to do?

626. Come on, brother. They waiting on Dolemite movie.

627. Let's bring Dolemite to the screen.

628. I don't know how much longer we can do these pictures, Rudy.

629. You see, that's why we changing our approach.

630. We got a new one coming. I bet you gonna like this.

631. You really gonna dig this one.

632. Check this out. It's called Cornbread, Earl and Me.

633. It's about a kid from the ghetto

634. that's the first from the neighborhood to get out and make it to college.

635. Now, don't that make you feel good on the inside, Rudy?

636. Brother, don't nobody wanna see no shit like that.

637. Come on, Rudy. Be realistic.

638. You're not a movie star. You're not an actor.

639. You're not Billy Dee Williams.

640. You're a comedy star. Be happy with that.

641. Man, I want more. All my life, people been telling me no.

642. My daddy always told me I was a piece of shit.

643. Just another dumb-ass country-poor nigga.

644. Thought I was gonna be a sharecropper like he was.

645. I can't imagine you plowing fields.

646. He wasn't my real daddy nohow.

647. Dirty rotten motherfucker always beating on me.

648. That's why I left home when I was 15, go and make something of myself.

649. Look, man. We all had shitty childhoods,

650. but that don't mean you can just will yourself into being a movie star.

651. Well, why not, Toney? Shit, I willed myself into being a comedian.

652. I willed myself into being a singer.

653. I even made my own album in my goddamn living room.

654. How come I can't be in the movies?

655. I want the world to know I exist.

656. How much money you planning on spending on this thing?

657. Well, I figure, you know, with money I got from my records, and...

658. I go ask the label for some money, I probably get about $70,000.

659. That's good, Rudy.

660. Well, hey, Rudy, how much money you gonna pay Jimmy

661. - for doing his shit since you know him? - We ain't discussed that stuff yet.

662. But you know my man don't work for free, right?

663. - You gon' fuck my money up. - You know you're not working for free?

664. Is that really enough to pay for all the people you gonna need?

665. At the movies, I always sit through the closing credits,

666. and that's a lot of folk. Key grip, best boy.

667. - Wish I had me a best boy. - Okay, honey.

668. Oh, damn, Toney, don't nobody wanna hear all that shit, man.

669. We having a pleasant barbecue.

670. And besides, ain't nobody gonna be getting called "boy" on my set.

671. Hey, look now. If we gonna do this shit,

672. we gonna all have to chip in together and help out.

673. Now, Toney, your receipts always add up to the penny, man,

674. so you gonna be in charge of the money.

675. Jimmy, your act got all them great props and costumes,

676. so you gonna do all that shit.

677. And, Ben, you write the funkiest songs, so will you please do the music?

678. But, um, who gonna write this movie, Rudy?

679. 'Cause at the Oscars, they always say, "It starts with the word."

680. So who gonna write that word, Rudy?

681. My baby!

682. The needle took my baby!

683. Sweet Jesus, when will this stop?

684. I'm gonna kill that pusher.

685. - I'm gonna make him pay! - No!

686. More death won't solve our problems!

687. Well, then what will, Mom?

688. I am not about to lose another son.

689. What, you gonnna sit here and pray? And cry?

690. That's what made him turn to that junk in the first place.

691. Keeping it inside.

692. It wasn't about the text, it was about the emotions.

693. Hey, sister. Sorry to bother you. You is a bad motherfucker.

694. What you did tonight, I really enjoyed it.

695. - Oh, thank you. - Some of the best acting I seen.

696. I'm trying to find Jerry that wrote the play. Where's he?

697. Uh, right here. I'm Jerry.

698. Hey, man! How you doing, brother? Good to meet you.

699. Yeah, I called you just recently, and I sent you some of my albums.

700. - I'm Rudy Ray Moore. - Yes. Oh, yes, yes. A pleasure, Mr. Moore.

701. Yeah, man. Look, I ain't even know about this theater. It's mighty fine, though.

702. A lot of talented brothers and sisters wanna act,

703. but nobody's hiring them, know what I mean?

704. No TV, no movies. So this is where they come to show off their craft.

705. That's beautiful, man.

706. So, regarding your albums.

707. - Right. - I gotta be honest. I listened to them.

708. They're not really my bag.

709. Oh, well, brother, you ain't got to be funny.

710. All I want you to do is write a story for me, all the things that happen.

711. The good guys and the bad guys, the cops and robbers. Them kinda things.

712. - I'm gonna supply all the comedy. - Oh...

713. I can be humorous. But my work has to inform as well as entertain.

714. For example, my next play is called The Devil's Cotton Field.

715. It's a piece of black history set in the country town I grew up in.

716. It's called Varner, Arkansas.

717. Varner. You from Varner? Shit, I'm from Fort Smith, nigga.

718. - All right, we got something in common. - What, that we're both from Arkansas?

719. That we both knew to get our black asses out of Arkansas.

720. Ain't nothing but canned mutton in that motherfucker.

721. You got that right.

722. Rudy, I admire your tenacity, but... I'm about my art.

723. I write my plays, I teach at an acting school.

724. - I'm trying to uplift the community. - Come on with all that bullshit, man.

725. We both left Arkansas for I.A., and we doing the same hustle now.

726. And I dig what you're doing here.

727. This is beautiful, bringing the people together and all that.

728. That's what I aspire to do. But I'm talking about something bigger.

729. I'm talking about the opportunity to get your message to all the people

730. through movies.

731. Jerry Jones movies.

732. We want this thing to be raw. Tell it like it is on the streets.

733. Yeah, lots of pimps and whores and cussing and all that shit.

734. And kung fu, karate. Brothers love all that kung fu.

735. Gotta have all the kung fu and karate and that Bruce Lee shit. They love that.

736. I'm sorry, do... do you know karate?

737. No, but I'm a fast learner. I can learn how to chop me a motherfucker!

738. You know what we should have?

739. A all-girl kung-fu army.

740. Um, you know, there's...

741. There's plenty of story opportunity, Rudy.

742. Across this nation, inner cities are bein' plagued by violent crime.

743. - I feel the government hasn't stepped up... - That's it. It's whitey's fault.

744. It's a corrupt government. They corrupt.

745. The motherfucker don't care about the people. The mayor is corrupt.

746. He one of them Nixon motherfuckers. And there's a exorcism.

747. - Goddamn it, an exorcism? - Yeah, you know, all that...

748. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell."

749. They love that shit. That's they favorite dish right now.

750. Okay. Um, I don't know how that fits into our urban motif.

751. Maybe you're right. I don't wanna be cleaning up green vomit off the set.

752. We'll put the devil in another movie.

753. Rudy, um, in storytelling, it's always best to, um...

754. you know, write what you know.

755. Now what do you mean when you say "write what you know"?

756. What do I... I mean...

757. You've lived a life, you know? You... Things you've done.

758. So you tell stories about your own experience.

759. It ain't nothing talk about my personal life whatsoever, man.

760. Nothing interesting happen there. I deal with the professional.

761. - Okay, good. - Yeah, that's the night life.

762. And it's clubs and club owners and promoters

763. and mobsters, and the money be disappearing all the time,

764. and you got the pimps and whores turning tricks in the walk-in freezer.

765. That's good.

766. Okay, then.

767. Yeah. We could use all that.

768. Look at the titties on her, man.

769. Yeah, man, she talented.

770. You ain't lying.

771. Any of you boys interested in a dance?

772. Oh, no, mama. We here casting for my new motion-picture film.

773. No! No, I ain't doin' no porn.

774. You porn motherfuckers always coming down here...

775. Woman, I'm making a motion picture, and I want you to be in it.

776. Now, nudity is required, but so is talent.

777. Talent?

778. Yeah, yeah. Take two dollars, put some air in that ass.

779. Say, Rudy. Hey, that's D'Urville Martin.

780. That ain't no fucking D'Urville Martin.

781. What would D'Urville Martin be doing in here, man?

782. Who's D'Urville Martin?

783. Oh, you know. That sidekick nigga that did, uh... Nigger Charlie.

784. He did Black Caesar and Hell Up in Harlem. You know him.

785. - He's sitting right over there? - Yeah.

786. - Hey, that is D'Urville Martin. - Nigga, I told you.

787. D'Urville Martin? I'm Rudy Ray Moore. You probably don't recognize me,

788. 'cause I usually have on my album covers a big afro wig,

789. and sometime I don't wear anything.

790. Oh, well, that must be it, then.

791. Hey, man, what I'm offering is a professional situation here.

792. I'm offering you a role in my new motion-picture film.

793. Ahh. What's the part?

794. It's actually not written yet, brother, but we're open to your input.

795. Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

796. I am legit, man.

797. I have an agent.

798. - I have a entertainment lawyer. - That's right.

799. You just thought you was gonna walk up in here and make a deal, huh?

800. Just because you lucky enough to find me in the strip joint.

801. - Nah, nah, nah. - You know what they say, brother.

802. Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.

803. What the fuck is that? Hey, look here, man. Look here.

804. If I was white, you think you could just walk up here and hire me?

805. No.

806. I've been directed by Roman Polanski.

807. - Rosemary's Baby. That's what it is. - Yeah.

808. - You goddamn right. - You were the elevator operator.

809. - Yeah. - Yeah. A small part.

810. A small part. You been working for that white man. You need to be careful...

811. White man? I got your white man swinging...

812. Calm down, baby. Calm down.

813. Whoo. Whoa.

814. - Don't worry. It's okay. - Hey, looky here.

815. These guys with you?

816. Yeah, man. We the producers.

817. Mm-mm-mm. Well, looky here. I'm-a tell you something.

818. It's okay, baby.

819. You motherfuckers are the worst producers I have ever met in my life.

820. Think you can just walk up in here,

821. engage an artist's talent with belittlement?

822. Insult?

823. - Get to truckin', baby. - Trucking.

824. What if we let you direct?

825. We have got the great D'Urville Martin directing and co-starring.

826. We got Jerry Jones writing the script,

827. and Ben E. Taylor done put together a theme song for me

828. that's badder than Superfly and Shaft put together. Listen at this here.

829. That's background. Dun. Bum.

830. Bass.

831. What y'all think of that?

832. Uh, Rudy, you're very persuasive. We admire your passion.

833. You gotta understand, Rudy. You're not just asking for a loan here.

834. You're asking for an advance on future royalties.

835. We'll do it, it's no risk to us, but if you blow it,

836. we're gonna own your records till the end of time.

837. Well, I know all that, but...

838. I'm gonna bet on myself. Ain't nobody gonna put me on the screen 'cept for me,

839. and everybody I talked to say they wanna see a Dolemite movie.

840. Well, you understand you're not supposed to make a movie

841. for the five square blocks of people you know.

842. Well, that's fine with me,

843. 'cause every city in America got them same five blocks,

844. and those folks is gonna love it.

845. This is the spot?

846. Man, wait till you see this.

847. Behold. The Dunbar Hotel.

848. Holy shit.

849. - This place is overrun with junkies. - But we gonna clear 'em all out, man.

850. Look, they had Universal Studios, you got MGM Studios,

851. and this is gonna be Dolemite Studios.

852. - What? - Yeah, man. Look at this.

853. It got rooms for days. It just keeps all over the place. Look at that.

854. Everything we need. We could build all our sets here.

855. We could do Willie Green's massage parlor, Queen Bee's whorehouse.

856. Man, they even got a fucking club in here.

857. - Rudy, you can't afford this place. - I ain't gonna buy it.

858. I ain't gonna have to rent it, neither.

859. I went to the landlord and found out that he got the BVDs up his ass

860. about all these dopeheads in here. I offered to clear 'em all out.

861. I said I'd come on and do it for free as the caretaker.

862. Get that mattress up there

863. and get that blanket up off there and get all that.

864. Get all that dust and shit up off the ground, too.

865. Y'all left a whole lot of shit up there up on that counter.

866. Did I ask about the dough I never got?

867. One, two.

868. Uh-uh. We ain't going shoppin'. That's for the movie.

869. Come on now. Put that shit back on the rack.

870. Hey, make sure you do the Dolemite bedroom on the second floor.

871. Make sure you do that kind of stylish.

872. With red carpets and red drapes, red bedspread, you know?

873. Make it real comfortable in there, too.

874. 'Cause after we shoot in the day, I'm gonna be sleeping in there.

875. - Come again. You gon'... - Man, after I pay for the film and camera,

876. I can't afford my apartment no more. I got to move in this motherfucker.

877. - You said we were going to a sound stage. - I know. I...

878. I don't know what the hell this is.

879. - Jerry. - Hey, you made it.

880. Hey, Rudy. Rudy, man, these are the kids I was telling you about.

881. - Oh. - Good to see you, Nick. Glad you made it.

882. Hey.

883. Dolemite is my name, and fuckin' up motherfuckers is my game.

884. Oh, right. Right.

885. Nick von Sternberg is my name, and UCLA Film... Film School

886. is the place that I... It's my school.

887. - Jerry I met at the acting class. - I was his acting teacher.

888. I gotta tell you, you gotta see this kid's short films.

889. He's amazing, man. Outstanding.

890. He look like one of them Alfred Hitchcock motherfuckers.

891. That's very kind of you. Um...

892. um, currently, though, we're looking for the... the UPM or an AD.

893. I'm curious, are we filming on Panavision or Arri?

894. Oh, son.

895. We don't know all that technical stuff. We don't know a lot about that stuff.

896. We got a really dedicated crew here, you know,

897. but the truth is, ain't nobody been on a movie set before,

898. so we don't know all that technical stuff like lights and sound and camera.

899. - You know, we don't know that. - Of course.

900. All right, let me show you Dolemite Studio.

901. Come on over here. Look at Dolemite Studio, y'all.

902. This where it all happen. Yeah, this the epicenter, nucleus.

903. Why we need these white boys tellin' us what to do?

904. Use your head, Ben. Don't none of us know what the fuck we're doing.

905. If we're gonna make a movie, we need movie people.

906. Don't matter if they black, white or polka-dot.

907. Well, I ain't takin' orders from them.

908. You don't have to. You're the caterer. So just feed the honkies, okay?

909. You're welcome, sweetie.

910. Lights already set up, fellas.

911. Mirrors on every wall. Where am I supposed to hide my lights?

912. Ceiling is eight foot tall. This is... This is impossible.

913. Nick? There's no juice.

914. Okay, check the downstairs panels, see if there's juice down there.

915. Oh, no, no, no. Ain't no electricity.

916. Ain't no running water, neither. That's how I got a good deal on this building.

917. So how do I power my lights, Rudy?

918. Why come somebody can't just climb up this pole here

919. and steal it from next door?

920. I'm on it.

921. Rudy. Rudy.

922. Is that the DP?

923. - Is that the what? - The DP. Director of photography.

924. Oh, yeah, that's him. That's our director of photography.

925. How old is that cat, man?

926. I don't know.

927. Sixteen.

928. - Twenty. - Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.

929. Do you have any idea what you doing, man?

930. Look, man, you need a DP that knows how to shoot black peoples.

931. Whoa. Whoa, man. That's some racist shit you talking about.

932. No, it's not. It's not racist. It's a fact.

933. Look, look, look. Black people absorb light.

934. White people reflect light.

935. This is cinemagical reality.

936. Another reality is this room is giving me a headache. What else we got?

937. - Oh. - Shit.

938. Goddamn.

939. Yeah, we gotta get these floors fixed, Jimmy.

940. I mean, is anything around here useful?

941. Anything?

942. Oh, shit.

943. - Yeah. - You did it.

944. All right, man, we in production.

945. It just feels like too much. There's a cop on every page.

946. - I gotta do some cuts. - All right, get some sleep.

947. We'll take care of it tomorrow.

948. - All right. - We're gonna kill this shit tomorrow.

949. Absolutely. I'll see you tomorrow.

950. We gonna have a good first day tomorrow. Go get some sleep.

951. - Good night. - All right, good night, mama. Arigato.

952. 'Night, man.

953. Ah, shit.

954. Rudy, um, I'm scared about tomorrow.

955. Oh, don't be scared. It's gonna be just like when we went up onstage.

956. No, it ain't, Rudy. I don't even like getting my picture taken.

957. I'm always trying to suck in my motherfucking gut

958. so I can look the best I can.

959. And I talked to that, uh, long-haired boy with the camera.

960. He said in the movies,

961. it's like they taking a picture 24 times per second.

962. - Yeah, but that... - No, 24 times, Rudy?

963. And then that picture fucking lasts forever and ever,

964. long past you dead and gone.

965. I don't know about this shit, nigga.

966. "Twenty-four hours to get out of town, Willie Green."

967. Willie Green, I'm giving you 24 hours to get out of town.

968. And... And 23 of 'em is already gone.

969. Willie Green, I'm giving you 24 hours to get out of town.

970. And 23 of 'em is already gone." That's good.

971. "You got 24 hours to get out of town, and twenty...

972. twenty-three..."

973. You got 24 hours to get out of town, and 23 is already gone, motherfucker.

974. Twenty-three is...

975. You dirty motherfucker.

976. You told me I wasn't shit, huh? You the one that ain't shit.

977. Look at me now, motherfucker.

978. Wanna know who I am? I'm Dolemite.

979. Fucking farmer.

980. Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my game,

981. you no-business-born, rat-soup-eating, insecure motherfucker.

982. Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my game.

983. No-business-born, insecure, junkyard-rat-soup-eating motherfucker!

984. That seems to work just fine.

985. So, how'd you find yourself on this production?

986. - Oh, well, actually, I'm Rudy's protegée. - Ah.

987. Yeah. I think, um, what they call in Hollywood, um...

988. an ingenue.

989. - Ah. - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

990. How did you become a part of this film?

991. Well...

992. I sort of specialize in playing the bad white guy around town.

993. - Mm-hmm. - All the black shows need a heavy.

994. I played the plantation owner at the Ebony Showcase.

995. I played a Southern lyncher at the Cultural Center.

996. And I played a rapist at the Wilshire Ebell.

997. Okay. So you just basically figured out what you're good at, huh?

998. This scene makes no fucking sense.

999. Why don't it make sense?

1000. Why would the warden release the prisoner so that he can go undercover?

1001. Because there is a drug issue in the neighborhood.

1002. We're dealing with society. We're keepin' it real.

1003. Aw, come on, man. Come on.

1004. Look, you cats is pretending.

1005. You pretending like the warden is a policeman, but he ain't.

1006. Wardens don't investigate.

1007. You forgetting that the warden is working with the governor!

1008. - Thank you. - Who gives a shit?

1009. How's it make any sense?

1010. Because the governor is friends with Queen Bee.

1011. Jibber. Jabber.

1012. - What? - Jibber-jabber.

1013. - How is it jibber-jabber? - How is that?

1014. You telling me that just because the governor

1015. is tight with the woman that own the whorehouse

1016. that he make the prison release her friend?

1017. Yes!

1018. Fuck it. Y'all do what you wanna do.

1019. - What do you think about the lighting? - Why don't we turn off all of the lights?

1020. That way, we don't have to look at the scene.

1021. - Hey, man, that ain't cool. - Ow. Ow.

1022. I know you Mr. Big Time,

1023. but the rest of us ain't never done no shit like this before.

1024. I'm paying for this whole goddamn thing, and I ain't got no fucking ego about it.

1025. If a box need to get moved, I will move the box,

1026. and if the crew get hungry,

1027. I go downstairs and start making sandwiches.

1028. 'Cause we are here to work together to make a movie!

1029. It's cool, baby. No smoke, man. Everything cool.

1030. Scene two... warden's office. Take one marker.

1031. Action.

1032. Sit down, Dolemite.

1033. You know Mama Queen Bee here, I'm sure.

1034. For damn near two years,

1035. she's been bugging me about your innocence.

1036. And you know the funny thing?

1037. I believe her.

1038. We've stumbled onto some facts that may set you free.

1039. Now, you're a gambling man, aren't you?

1040. It depends on the game, Warden, and how high the stakes are.

1041. Well, I might as well level with you.

1042. The game is rough, and the stake is your life.

1043. Damn, that was so real!

1044. You see how he was staring at me? I got a chill down my back.

1045. Man, that was some good shit.

1046. This gonna be a good scene. Man, I can't wait to watch this movie.

1047. Hey, when can we watch the movie?

1048. - Cut. - Cut!

1049. Cut! Cut!

1050. Scene three... take one marker.

1051. Action.

1052. Hold it, Dolemite.

1053. What do you want?

1054. FBI.

1055. What do you want, man? Where's your warrant at?

1056. This badge is my warrant. Open up the trunk.

1057. There's nothing in my trunk, man.

1058. Open the trunk!

1059. That shit ain't mine. I don't know how it got in there.

1060. You going to jail for a long time.

1061. You gonna have to take me!

1062. Cut! Cut. Cut.

1063. Is there any angle that you could shoot this

1064. where it looks like he's actually kicking him?

1065. There's no such angle.

1066. Roll it.

1067. Goddamn it.

1068. Action!

1069. I don't understand this cat.

1070. He pretending like he know karate.

1071. Pretending like he could be a sex machine.

1072. Like a little kid playin' dress-up.

1073. - What planet is this cat on? - That's for fucking with me,

1074. you no-business-born, insecure, junkyard-rat-soup-eating motherfuckers!

1075. Cut!

1076. How was that?

1077. I see no reason to do... it again.

1078. Was it good as Shaft?

1079. Come on, Jimmy. Go faster, man.

1080. Come on, man. I-I borrowed this from my cousin off the lot.

1081. - I told him I won't get a scratch on it. - Don't go scratching on it.

1082. Just make it go faster, man. Come on now. We rolling.

1083. Big car-chase scene... take one!

1084. Rudy, I dunno nothin' about this stunt-driving shit, man. This a Cadillac.

1085. Step on it and step on it quick!

1086. Burn some rubber 'cause we gonna deal with this prick!

1087. Drive, nigga, drive!

1088. Man, that's it, man!

1089. - All right! - Drive, nigga, drive!

1090. Drive, nigga, drive!

1091. - They're going too fast. - We need the speed for the puddle splash.

1092. Puddle splash?

1093. Oh, shit! Oh, no!

1094. - Oh, I'm brown sugar. I melt. - Perfect.

1095. I ain't seen no puddle splash in the script.

1096. Where's the puddle splash at?

1097. I've been wantin' to see me a honky dance.

1098. - Please. Please. - Dance, motherfucker!

1099. Take one marker.

1100. I've been told beauty need to be in front of the camera.

1101. - They about to blow the car. - They ain't gonna blow that up. Listen...

1102. Going hot.

1103. - Going hot? - Action!

1104. Who's going hot?

1105. He think he bad and ain't got no class.

1106. I'm gonna wrap this shotgun up his motherfucking ass.

1107. - Three... - Hot? What?

1108. - Two, one! - That's my cousin's car.

1109. Goddamn.

1110. - Holy... - Shit.

1111. Fuck a dead duck!

1112. - Thank you very much. - Yeah, man. Happy Fourth.

1113. Happy Fourth, man. All right.

1114. Tomorrow's the big day.

1115. What you talking about, Ben?

1116. Tomorrow... your big sex scene.

1117. You slick, man, putting that scene in the movie

1118. - just so you could fuck the white girl. - Don't be nervous.

1119. Guess that's why you the boss.

1120. Ben, you know, we ain't really fuckin'. It's, you know, pretend.

1121. Whatever you say, boss.

1122. - Good night, Mr. Moore. - 'Night, ladies.

1123. Yeah.

1124. Don't let that fire hit...

1125. Why in the fuck did Jerry have to put this sex scene

1126. in the middle of this movie?

1127. Because you the leading man, nigga, and you have all these half-naked girls.

1128. Shit, the folks gonna wanna see you fuck one or two of 'em at least.

1129. I could put my foot in somebody's ass, and I could be funny, but...

1130. I ain't no Billy Dee Williams, you know? I got this big ol' belly.

1131. Everybody gonna be standing around. I don't know what to do.

1132. When my ex used to try to climb on top of me to bust a nut,

1133. I would check the fuck out till the shit was over.

1134. And in the meantime, I tried to amuse myself,

1135. so I'd just pretend that he was fuckin' some mangy-ass donkey we had,

1136. and I be just sitting there laughing and laughing...

1137. and his dumb ass didn't even know the goddamn difference.

1138. Lady Reed, that ain't help me at all.

1139. I don't know. Maybe I'm just saying it don't have to be all sexy and serious.

1140. You know, maybe it could...

1141. It can be funny.

1142. Exactly. It could be funny.

1143. Sex scene... take one.

1144. Act-ion.

1145. Ooh.

1146. Give it to me, Dolemite.

1147. Oh, yeah.

1148. Ooh.

1149. Yes.

1150. Dolemite. Oh.

1151. Oh, give it to me.

1152. Yes! Oh!

1153. Oh, give it to me.

1154. Oh. Oh, Dolemite. Oh, yes.

1155. - Put your weight on it! - Ooh, Dolemite, give it to me.

1156. Oh, Dolemite. Yes!

1157. Oh, yes.

1158. - Yes. - Put your weight on it!

1159. Yes!

1160. Blow that shit up.

1161. Cut.

1162. Yes!

1163. What... What happened?

1164. I wrote a tender, realistic love scene, okay?

1165. My whole goal with this movie was to tell it like it is.

1166. I dunno if it was tender, I dunno if it was sexy,

1167. but it was funny as fuck.

1168. Ooh, Lord.

1169. Two!

1170. - Three! - Hyah.

1171. - Four! - Hyah.

1172. Five.

1173. - One! - Hyah.

1174. - Two! - Hyah.

1175. - Three! Four! - Rudy? We... We gotta talk.

1176. - Man, I'm trying to memorize this kung fu. - I know. We got a real problem.

1177. Hyah.

1178. - One! - Hyah.

1179. - Two! - Hyah.

1180. - Three! - Hyah.

1181. - Four! - Hyah.

1182. We ran out of film.

1183. Man, what you talking about? What happened to all them little pieces?

1184. I know. The short ends. We used them all and...

1185. Hyah. Hyah.

1186. Look, I spoke to the crew.

1187. They've been working under their rate for a few weeks now.

1188. And I've been working for free for a few days,

1189. and we're... we're on your side, but if there's no film in the camera...

1190. - there's... there's no movie. - One!

1191. - Hyah. - Two!

1192. - Hyah. - One!

1193. - Hyah. - Two!

1194. - Hyah. - One!

1195. Hyah!

1196. Another ten grand's not that simple, Rudy. It's a lot of fucking money.

1197. If this thing flops, you're working for free for the rest of your life.

1198. Oh, like I'm-a be y'all's slave then, huh?

1199. - Oh, come on. - Don't go there, Rudy.

1200. You created this situation. Don't you go there.

1201. Did you put in any contingency for overruns?

1202. Editing? Post?

1203. If that means mo' money, then, no, I'm busted.

1204. But I can't go back there and tell 'em to stop now. It'll crush everybody.

1205. Everybody put so much into this fucking movie, man.

1206. I don't wanna let 'em down like that. Come on, man. We just an inch away.

1207. Let us finish this fucking movie, please.

1208. Okay, Rudy.

1209. - All right. Okay. - Rudy. You all right?

1210. Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.

1211. Straight.

1212. You know, I worked with this actor once on Rosemary's Baby.

1213. It's John Cassavetes.

1214. He makes movies, too.

1215. Down and dirty just like you, man.

1216. Yeah, I get it, D'Urville. You big time.

1217. Yeah, man, he put up his last dime to get it done.

1218. Whatever it take to get it done.

1219. Yeah, man, we gonna get it done.

1220. No, look, man. You ain't listening to me.

1221. Whatever you've been feeling about me, about the money men,

1222. about anybody who's ever doubted you...

1223. I want you to use it.

1224. Connect to it, man.

1225. Dig down inside, connect to it, and use it.

1226. Put it on camera.

1227. Yeah. Use it, baby.

1228. Use it.

1229. Dolemite.

1230. Come sit down.

1231. Have a drink with us.

1232. Willie Green, I'm giving you 24 hours to get out of town,

1233. and 23 done already passed.

1234. You cheated me.

1235. I want a new deal.

1236. Partners.

1237. You're really good at your business.

1238. You handle the business, I'll handle the heat.

1239. What do you say?

1240. Fuck you, man.

1241. Give me the gun.

1242. Give me the gun!

1243. I'm gonna kill Dolemite!

1244. Don't want no sweat?

1245. Turn this sucker out!

1246. Fuck 'em up, girls!

1247. - Hyah! - Fight scene... take one.

1248. - Ah-yah. - Fifty-five alpha, take one.

1249. Alpha... take one.

1250. Oh, yeah!

1251. And stay down, motherfucker.

1252. Yeah, come on, Willie. Come on, Willie Green.

1253. No, Willie Green!

1254. Damn it. Cheap-ass...

1255. Goddamn, Dolemite.

1256. Now it's off of you. It's on me.

1257. And cut.

1258. We done?

1259. Mm-hmm.

1260. We done.

1261. That's it, y'all. We're done. Thank God for that shit.

1262. Oh, Lord, this was a living hell.

1263. I don't know how I got myself into this, but they say sometimes you...

1264. got to go through hell to get to heaven.

1265. And that's exactly where I'm going. I just got a call from Black Caesar.

1266. Fred Williamson. He's my friend.

1267. We're gonna do a real movie.

1268. Damn.

1269. So I wanted to say y'all did a good job.

1270. Crew, stunt peoples...

1271. whores.

1272. I'm going on now. I'll see y'all at the... at the premiere. Okay.

1273. No, no, no. Probably won't be a premiere, so...

1274. Some bullshit.

1275. - Man, fuck him. - Yeah.

1276. I like the movie.

1277. Yeah, me too. Fuck, I think the motherfucker was a four-star.

1278. - Rudy, you did it. We made a movie. - That's amazing shit.

1279. Yeah, we did.

1280. Wait, wait, wait, wait. It's not over until you say, "That's a wrap."

1281. All right, y'all, that's a wrap.

1282. - No, no, no, no. - Give us a Dolemite wrap.

1283. That's a motherfuckin' wrap!

1284. That's a no-business-born!

1285. Insecure!

1286. Barnyard motherfuckin' wrap!

1287. Yeah!

1288. I'm a bad motherfucker, dude. We made a hell of a movie.

1289. Congratulations, y'all. We made this motherfucking movie!

1290. Comedian International. How may I help you?

1291. Oh, no, Mr. Moore is available. One second, please.

1292. Yes, this is Rudy Ray Moore. Who am I speaking with?

1293. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Did you get a chance to review my production?

1294. You did? Yes, okay. What...

1295. Well, yes, it was a real movie.

1296. It is a actual real movie, and everybody got paid, yes.

1297. Yes, very professional production. Right.

1298. No, I learned-I learned kung fu for the movie.

1299. I didn't know kung fu before I started the movie.

1300. Yes. Oh, no, you... Yeah, you're right. This was Lady Reed's first production.

1301. Right, this was her motion-picture debut.

1302. Uh-huh.

1303. Really?

1304. Oh, well.

1305. Well, you know, we was gonna do a fresh new edit on

1306. and was gonna change a couple of things and are-shoot for-for the ending.

1307. Change the ending ar...

1308. Right.

1309. Okay.

1310. All right, well, yeah. No, we totally understand.

1311. Yeah, man, thank you so much for your consideration.

1312. Well... at least we had a good time.

1313. You know what, Ben? Fuck you, man.

1314. Your ass had fun 'cause you ain't have to pay for all this shit.

1315. I'm in debt up to my ears.

1316. I gave all my record royalties to the Bihari Brothers,

1317. and don't nobody want this damn movie.

1318. Nigga, you got a whole lot of nerve

1319. ordering a extra side of greens at a time like this.

1320. Pay for these fucking greens yourself.

1321. In fact, you're gonna all start paying for your own shit,

1322. 'cause I ain't no fucking endless faucet of fucking money.

1323. Here, you pay for them waffles, you pay for that burger,

1324. you pay for your shit, your extra greens, nigga.

1325. You're having strawberries.

1326. You pay for your motherfucking strawberries your damn self.

1327. I don't understand your attitude.

1328. I mean, it ain't like you ain't never been told no before, Rudy.

1329. - I mean, you're the comeback king, man. - Yeah, when we doing stuff I know about.

1330. Nightclubs and records. Those is my world, okay?

1331. A man slam a door in my face, I just find another door.

1332. Thought anybody could be a star.

1333. But apparently don't nobody wanna see our ugly black ass up on the screen!

1334. Strawberry shortcake-eating motherfucker.

1335. - Hey, man, I like strawberry... Rudy! - Come on, Rudy!

1336. Yes, I was born in a barrel of butcher knives,

1337. then shot in the ass twice with two Colt.45s.

1338. Yes, I been slapped by a bear and bit by an eel.

1339. I chew up railroad iron, and I shit out steel.

1340. Yes, I was kicked out of South America for fucking steers.

1341. I fucked the she-elephant till she broke down to tears.

1342. I just can't believe I'm back here on this grind.

1343. I'm actually worse off than I was before,

1344. 'cause I don't even own my records no more.

1345. Now what kind of fool works so hard to build something up like that

1346. and just throw the shit all away?

1347. Ah-ah. Mm-mm.

1348. No, Rudy. You ain't no fool now. Watch your mouth.

1349. I thought that movie was gon' change everything,

1350. make me a fucking star.

1351. Well, you're still a star to me.

1352. Okay.

1353. Good night, Lady Reed.

1354. Good night, Rudy.

1355. Bobby Vale in the Morning, WFKK, Indianapolis.

1356. And we are so excited to have Mr. Rudy Ray Moore,

1357. the man, the legend, the phenomenon in studio.

1358. I'm looking right at him. I'm sittin' with him right now,

1359. and he's gonna be in Indianapolis all week performing at Gordy's Lounge,

1360. so give it up for Mr. Rudy Ray Moore.

1361. All right, man. Really happy to be here today.

1362. Now, Rudy, I gotta ask you this 'cause I'm a hell of a fan.

1363. Yeah, man.

1364. There's a rumor that you made a Dolemite movie.

1365. Is that true? And if it is, when can we see this movie?

1366. I wish I could answer the question, y'all,

1367. but I really can't answer the question at this time, 'cause I just don't know.

1368. You're not gon' give us nothing?

1369. I-I really can't really give y'all the date...

1370. A hint.

1371. If I had a hint, I give it to y'all, man. You know me.

1372. You know if I had a date,

1373. I'd tell y'all right now, but I don't know nothin'.

1374. Hey, we'll be right back with Rudy Ray Moore.

1375. This is Bobby Vale, WFKK, Indianapolis.

1376. What the fuck is your problem, man?

1377. I'm tryin' to help you out.

1378. I'm in here promoting you, and you won't even answer my fuckin' questions.

1379. Hey, look, Bobby. I can't answer your goddamn question

1380. 'cause the movie ain't never comin' out, okay?

1381. - That don't make no sense. - Yeah, but it's true. It's done.

1382. Don't nobody wanna show the motherfucker. I don't know what to do, man.

1383. You know what?

1384. I got a cousin

1385. that manages a movie theater called Uptown.

1386. Maybe...

1387. should give him a call.

1388. But what's he gonna do?

1389. I don't know. Maybe run it. Play your damn movie. Fuck it. Can't hurt.

1390. And we are back.

1391. Now, we don't have a midnight movie on Friday,

1392. so I suppose we could do it then.

1393. How does $500 sound?

1394. That sounds fair. Perfect.

1395. So, when can I receive my advance?

1396. - What? Advance? - The money. When you gonna pay me?

1397. No. You see, this is what they call four-walling.

1398. Yeah. You pay me, and then you get all the ticket sales.

1399. We did it with Billy Jack.

1400. And I think we even did it with Grizzly Adams.

1401. Man, you could clean up if you successful.

1402. So I got to pay to show my movie?

1403. Well, goddamn. Am I gonna get some of the popcorn money?

1404. Oh, that's mine. But you get all the box office.

1405. Now, if you promote the shit out the movie...

1406. Aw, you could make some serious bread.

1407. Toney. I need you to break into a hotel right now.

1408. The Dunbar, man!

1409. Look, I need you to go up into my bedroom in the Dunbar

1410. and get all five reels and put 'em on a plane tonight!

1411. I need that movie in Indianapolis right now!

1412. Hey, my man. Hey, brother, don't miss it. This Friday.

1413. Uptown Theater. Dolemite in person, live in person.

1414. That's me, Rudy Ray Moore, baby. Come on down and check me out.

1415. Ladies, come on down to the Uptown Theater.

1416. Shit, we don't want you all up into any damn movie with your tight ass.

1417. You got the cutest little baby.

1418. Hi, little baby. Jibbee, jibbee. Come down to Dolemite Theater, all right?

1419. Can't bring the baby, though. Brother, come to the theater tomorrow.

1420. If you crave satisfaction, this is the place to find that action.

1421. Coming to the Uptown Theater as its next attraction!

1422. A movie guaranteed to put your black ass in traction.

1423. Dolemite! Dolemite!

1424. Hey, baby! Make sure you get down there, mama!

1425. Bobby Vale, WFKK.

1426. We're givin' out two tickets to the tenth caller to the Dolemite movie.

1427. Tonight. Midnight screening. That's right.

1428. The Dolemite movie. It's like Christmas,

1429. except your daddy ain't drunk, and your mama ain't cryin'.

1430. Can I help you?

1431. One ticket for Dolemite.

1432. Come on, bro.

1433. Okay, okay. Let me get six tickets.

1434. Tired of paying for y'all broke asses, man.

1435. And here's your change.

1436. Okay, let's see...

1437. Huh.

1438. You about to make a whole lot of green.

1439. Man, you about to sell all your popcorn, nigga.

1440. My women is right on time.

1441. You've been gone for so long. Got a lot of warming up to do.

1442. - No shit, baby. - I can dig it.

1443. Look at the shit they gave me to get out of prison, man.

1444. Glad y'all brought my clothes.

1445. You bring me fucking cotton drawers. I don't wear fucking cotton drawers.

1446. Yeah.

1447. Quick! Burn some rubber 'cause we gonna deal with this prick.

1448. Drive, nigga, drive!

1449. Drive, nigga, drive!

1450. I've been wantin' to see me a honky dance. Dance, motherfucker!

1451. Dance!

1452. This motherfucker got rhythm, haven't he?

1453. Rudy.

1454. I'm a little confused. Now, is this movie supposed to be funny?

1455. I was expecting a Shaft kind of a thing.

1456. Of course it's supposed to be funny. They get it. That's why they're laughin'.

1457. It's a comedy and it's sexy and it's action.

1458. It's a total entertainment experience.

1459. He made me do it!

1460. Bitch, are you for real?

1461. Kill him, Charlie!

1462. Y'all don't believe I'd jump, huh?

1463. So I did good shit.

1464. Yeah!

1465. What the fuckety fuck?

1466. Hey, man. They said I got a call.

1467. - Hello? - Is this Rudy?

1468. Rudy Ray Moore,

1469. the mad genius who four-walled the Uptown in Indianapolis,

1470. - set a new house record? - Hey, man, hurry up.

1471. I got a five-hour drive to my next gig.

1472. - What's going on? - Hang on.

1473. You know how hard it was for me to find this number? Is this your office?

1474. Yeah, this my office.

1475. Well, I'm delighted to finally speak with you.

1476. My name is Lawrence Woolner, and I run Dimension Pictures.

1477. Dimension Pictures?

1478. Ain't y'all the rat soup-eating motherfuckers that rejected me?

1479. Uh, that's right. That's right. We did, but, uh, well...

1480. Hollywood is a fickle mistress, and we got a pitch for you that I...

1481. I think is gonna knock you out of your seat.

1482. Dimension Pictures International would like to buy Dolemite.

1483. What?

1484. Yeah, we got appointment.

1485. Hey, so, what we supposed to say?

1486. Nothing. Nobody say a fucking word. Just keep your mouths shut.

1487. Only reason you're here is to make me look like a legitimate organization.

1488. You got hot sauce on your shirt. Man, clean that shit off, nigga.

1489. - Come on, get the shit together. - Okay, okay, okay.

1490. It's cool.

1491. Gentlemen, ma'am, we're thrilled to have you here.

1492. I've brought the whole Dimension Films team.

1493. Yes, and these are my esteemed colleagues from Generation International.

1494. This is Miss Reed, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Toney, and Mr. Lynch.

1495. Pleasure.

1496. Uh, sorry, I'm confused. What is Generation International?

1497. I thought you said your production company was Comedian International.

1498. Comedian International is a subsidiary of Generation International.

1499. Comedian International handles my live bookings and audio recordings,

1500. things like that.

1501. Generation International, they handle my cinematic output.

1502. Okay, well... We're here to talk about your movie.

1503. We think there's a golden opportunity here.

1504. Look, one thing you need to explain to me is why for come I need you?

1505. 'Cause far as I can see, man, I'm doing pretty fuckin' good by myself.

1506. Well, now, Rudy,

1507. there's a certain professional way to go about distributing a film.

1508. We all know that there's a history of niggas making some art,

1509. and the white man come along and steal all the money.

1510. And y'all sure in the fuck ain't finna do to me

1511. what they did to Chuck Berry, huh? Hmm?

1512. You know what?

1513. You wanna do it your way, you go right ahead.

1514. You go out there, you introduce your movie into every theater in the country.

1515. You know, knock yourself out.

1516. You're gonna be releasing Dolemite for the next five years.

1517. But if you wanna do it right, well, here we are.

1518. You know, hey... Now, we've passed once, so...

1519. we fucked up.

1520. - Damn right, you fucked up. - You knock it down.

1521. That's the understatement of the year.

1522. But allow us now to sell ourselves to you.

1523. Dimension International... we have two sweet spots.

1524. Redneck pictures.

1525. Right? Those are hillbillies

1526. and moonshine and sheriffs, and those play at the Southern drive-ins.

1527. Now, the second sweet spot is blaxploitation films.

1528. It's films about blacks and for blacks. And you know where they play?

1529. They play in the big beautiful movie showcases.

1530. And every downtown has 'em.

1531. They were built in the 1920s. They seat 2,000, 3,000 people.

1532. They used to be very popular,

1533. but then the white audience, you know, skedaddled out to the suburbs.

1534. And what's left? Well, the black urban audience.

1535. Now, I'll tell you what.

1536. If we book the right films, your film, these...

1537. well, there is no other word for it, but resplendent movie palaces,

1538. well, I think we can make a killing.

1539. You know...

1540. in my new movie, there's a scene

1541. where big bad Willie Green comes back to town, and my club is stolen.

1542. Takes all my receipts and all my cash and all the girls.

1543. Everything I been building up my whole life.

1544. He comes along, tries to take possession 'cause he think I don't know no better.

1545. But that's when I start to take charge...

1546. and I start showing motherfuckers who's boss.

1547. 'Cause Dolemite ain't getting ripped off.

1548. Can you dig it?

1549. You gonna rip my guts out now?

1550. We'll talk after the first profit statement.

1551. All right!

1552. All right now.

1553. We gonna be on Dimension Films.

1554. Dolemite's gonna be on Dimension Films.

1555. Opening this Friday at the Avon Theater!

1556. Opening this Friday night at the Moonlight Drive-In!

1557. Opening Friday night at the Cameo!

1558. Get him on the fucking phone, and this time, you talk to him.

1559. You're not gonna believe who paid us back.

1560. Yes, I put my finger in the ground and turned the whole world upside down!

1561. Dolemite!

1562. Dolemite! Rated "R."

1563. Under 17, not permitted without your parent

1564. or permission from your warden.

1565. Aw, shit now.

1566. Look at y'all. I see ya.

1567. Whoo.

1568. Well, don't you look good.

1569. Milady.

1570. Hey, Rudy.

1571. Baby, we have come a long way from that club and that cow pasture.

1572. Oh, yes, mama, we have. Yes, we have.

1573. Oh, oh, Rudy, um...

1574. I wanted to tell you something.

1575. Uh...

1576. I just wanted to say that I'm so grateful.

1577. I'm so grateful for you putting me in this movie,

1578. 'cause I ain't never seen nobody that looks like me...

1579. up there on that big screen.

1580. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit.

1581. I may not be sexy, but I'm a real woman...

1582. and I really appreciate what you did for me.

1583. So thank you.

1584. Yeah, y'all ready to go? Put your weight on it!

1585. Ooh, yes. All right. Look at this ad, Rudy! You looking hot now.

1586. Aw, yeah. Put your weight on it.

1587. That's what I'm talking about.

1588. Hey, hey, I found a review.

1589. What's that say?

1590. Go ahead, man. Just spit it out.

1591. Go on, say what is it.

1592. "Dull-emite is a more apt title."

1593. What'd you say? What'd you just say? "Dull" or "Dol"?

1594. - Dull. - Oh, really?

1595. Dull-emite. Dull-emite.

1596. Um...

1597. "This could be the lamest film of the year."

1598. The plot is vague, and the actors scream their lines.

1599. Its only touch of originality is in the introduction of...

1600. "the fat man as romantic hero."

1601. - What's wrong with being portly? - Not a damn thing.

1602. I don't see nothing wrong with adding a few extra pounds, personally.

1603. - Exactly. Ain't nothing wrong... - Fuck them.

1604. - With being a little heavyset. - Mm-hmm.

1605. That's just one review. What's yours say there, Jerry?

1606. Um...

1607. "Dolemite is dreadful, humorless, and a technically terrible movie."

1608. Fuck that, Jerry, man. Critics don't know nothing.

1609. I don't even know why they come in the first place.

1610. They don't even like to have fun. Nobody care what the critics say.

1611. And besides, everybody know when the brothers go to movies,

1612. they wanna see car crashes, explosions, and titties.

1613. - And we've delivered that. - Sho' did.

1614. Look at this one right here. This is perfect.

1615. "Dolemite isn't fit for a blind dog to see.

1616. "It is coarse, rude, crude, and vulgar." Perfect.

1617. "Perfect"? But why in the world do you like that one?

1618. That's gonna make people say, "I'm going."

1619. They gonna wanna see just how coarse, rude, crude, and vulgar Dolemite is.

1620. I'll be damned.

1621. Hey, don't nobody worry about nothing.

1622. No matter what happens, tonight is a victory already,

1623. even if don't but five people show up.

1624. Look how far we came.

1625. We riding in a limousine on opening night to see our movie that we made.

1626. I'm proud of myself. Y'all should all be proud of y'all selves, too,

1627. 'cause I'm proud of y'all, we family, and we did a movie.

1628. - We going to see our movie. - That's right.

1629. We gotta make a promise to ourselves.

1630. - No matter what happens... - Mm-hmm.

1631. We have a great time.

1632. Hmm?

1633. - Yeah, you're right. - Agreed.

1634. - Okay. - All right.

1635. - Yeah, Rudy. - Thank you, Rudy.

1636. - You're already a winner. - We winners.

1637. - That's right, we're winners. - Yeah.

1638. I feel good.

1639. - What happened? What's going on? - Sweet Jesus.

1640. - What happened? - Rudy! Rudy, look!

1641. What's going on?

1642. Hey, let down the window, man!

1643. Holy fuck.

1644. Rudy, look at all these people.

1645. Oh, my God.

1646. - Well done, everybody. Well done, Rudy. - That is some crowd.

1647. Mr. Moore? Mr. Moore. It's an honor to have you here.

1648. But we need to move you inside! We're not equipped for this kind of crowd!

1649. It's crazy. So if we could just get you to move inside!

1650. The four chairs to the right.

1651. Rudy. Rudy. I am your biggest fan. I know. I have all your albums.

1652. - Rudy. - This is crazy.

1653. All right, let's all keep walking. We have to get started.

1654. We already sold out the 10 p.m. and the midnight.

1655. And I think we have to add 2 a.m. just to make everybody happy.

1656. These people are gonna be here till 2 a.m.?

1657. Oh, yes, sir. Your seat's down front.

1658. Rudy, man. We gonna miss the opening credits. Come on now.

1659. Come on, man. My song.

1660. Give me a minute.

1661. Autograph?

1662. - I wanna see the movie. - I don't know if we can see the movie...

1663. Say, little man! You sure you old enough to be up this late at night?

1664. Oh, he just won't stop talkin' about you.

1665. - He always doin' your shit. - I love your rhymin', Rudy. It's so bad.

1666. No, you the one's that bad.

1667. I do your rhymin', just like Dolemite. But then I make it about me.

1668. Oh, really? Let me hear what you got, boy.

1669. You heard about Dolemite and the Titanic.

1670. There's a new kid around finna be gi-gan-tic.

1671. Young boy, who in the hell do you think you are

1672. trying to topple the world's greatest star?

1673. I use a earthquake to make a milkshake.

1674. - Hey, that's my line. - I know more.

1675. Mighty Donald is my name, and...

1676. Fuckin' up motherfuckers is my game.

1677. Boy, you got the gift.

1678. Don't never let nobody tell you you can't be anything you wanna be.

1679. - Understand? - Yes, sir.

1680. Rudy, come on. The film 'bout to start.

1681. Hey, Lady Reed. Why don't you go on and watch the movie? I seen it already.

1682. These people gonna be out here till two o'clock in the morning,

1683. and they came to see Dolemite, so...

1684. I'm gonna give 'em Dolemite.

1685. - All right? - All right.

1686. Okay.

1687. Wow.

1688. Right on.

1689. Hello, you motherfuckers!

1690. - We love you, Rudy! - Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

1691. I just wanna say it's a pleasure to have y'all come out here tonight,

1692. but I'm sorry to tell you, it's gonna be a bit of a wait!

1693. But don't worry. Don't nobody leave,

1694. 'cause I promise you it's gonna be worth it!

1695. 'Cause like I always say, Dolemite is my name,

1696. and rappin' and tappin' is my game.

1697. Yes, I'm young and free and just as bad as I wanna be.

1698. Take a look at me.

1699. I'm a rare specimen of a man, don't you agree?

1700. I want you to live the life that you love and love the life that you live.

1701. From the frantic Atlantic to the terrific Pacific,

1702. be the best of whatever you are.

1703. Shoot for the moon, and if you miss it, cling on to a motherfucking star.

1704. Dance!

1705. Dance!

1706. You should be very proud of her.

1707. For damn near two years, she's been bugging me about doing this.

1708. Drive, nigga, drive!

1709. Stop you.

1710. I'm gonna let 'em know

1711. that Dolemite is my name, and fucking up motherfuckers is my name.

1712. He made me do it!

1713. Bitch, are you for real?