1. Ladies and gentlemen, the driving
force behind Catholicism Wow!Copy !req
2. Cardinal Glick.Copy !req
3. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
4. Now, we all know
how the majority...Copy !req
5. and the media in this country...Copy !req
6. view the Catholic Church.Copy !req
7. They think of us as a passe,
archaic institution.Copy !req
8. People find the Bible obtuse...Copy !req
9. even hokey.Copy !req
10. Now, in an effort
to disprove all that...Copy !req
11. the Church has appointed this year
as a time of renewal...Copy !req
12. both of faith and of style.Copy !req
13. For example, the crucifix.Copy !req
14. While it has been a time-honored
symbol of our faith...Copy !req
15. Holy Mother Church
has decided to retire...Copy !req
16. this highly recognizable...Copy !req
17. yet wholly depressing image...Copy !req
18. of our Lord, crucified.Copy !req
19. Christ didn't come to Earth
to give us the willies.Copy !req
20. He came to help us out.Copy !req
21. He was a booster, and it's
with that take on our Lord in mind...Copy !req
22. that we've come up with a new,
more inspiring sigil.Copy !req
23. So it is with great pleasure
that I present you with the first...Copy !req
24. of many revamps
the Catholicism Wow! campaign...Copy !req
25. will unveil over the next year,
I give you...Copy !req
26. "The Buddy Christ. "Copy !req
27. That's not the sanctioned term
we're using for the symbol.Copy !req
28. Just something we've been
kicking around the office.Copy !req
29. But look at it.Copy !req
30. Doesn't it pop?Copy !req
31. Buddy Christ.Copy !req
32. Well, there you have it.Copy !req
33. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
34. You don't believe in God
because of Alice in Wonderland?Copy !req
35. No, Through the Looking Glass.Copy !req
36. That poem,
"The Walrus and the Carpenter"...Copy !req
37. is an indictment
of organized religion.Copy !req
38. The Walrus, with his girth
and good nature...Copy !req
39. he obviously represents
either Buddha...Copy !req
40. or with his tusks, the Hindu
elephant god, Lord Ganesha.Copy !req
41. That takes care
of your Eastern religions.Copy !req
42. Now, the Carpenter,
an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...Copy !req
43. who was raised a carpenter's son,
represents Western religions.Copy !req
44. Now, in the poem,
what do they do?Copy !req
45. They dupe all these oysters
into following them...Copy !req
46. then proceed to shuck and devour
the helpless creatures en masse.Copy !req
47. I don't know what that says to you,
but to me it says...Copy !req
48. that following these faiths
based on mythological figures...Copy !req
49. destroys one's inner being.Copy !req
50. Organized religion destroys
who we are...Copy !req
51. by inhibiting our actions,
by inhibiting our decisions...Copy !req
52. out of fear of some
intangible parent figure...Copy !req
53. who shakes a finger at us
from thousands of years ago...Copy !req
54. and says, "Do it-
Do it and I'll fucking spank you!"Copy !req
55. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
56. The way you put it, I've never really
thought about it like that before.Copy !req
57. What have I been doing
with my life?Copy !req
58. - What am I...?
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
59. Listen, my advice to you...Copy !req
60. take this money you've
collected for your parish...Copy !req
61. go get yourself a nice dress,
you know? Fix yourself up.Copy !req
62. Find some man, some woman, you
can connect with, even for a moment...Copy !req
63. because that's really all life is,
Sister, it's a series of moments.Copy !req
64. Why don't you seize yours?Copy !req
65. Attagirl. Attagirl.Copy !req
66. You know, here's what
I don't get about you.Copy !req
67. You know for a fact
that there is a God.Copy !req
68. You've been in his presence.
He's spoken to you personally.Copy !req
69. - Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.
- I like to fuck with the clergy.Copy !req
70. I just love it. I love to keep
those guys on their toes.Copy !req
71. Here's what I don't get about you.Copy !req
72. Why do you feel the need
to come to this place all the time?Copy !req
73. My friend, because
this is humanity at its best.Copy !req
74. Look at them.Copy !req
75. All that anger, all that mistrust,
all that unhappiness...Copy !req
76. forgotten for that one perfect moment
when they get off the plane.Copy !req
77. See those two?Copy !req
78. That guy doesn't know that the girl
cheated on him while she was away.Copy !req
79. - She did?
- Twice.Copy !req
80. - Nice.
- But it doesn't matter right now...Copy !req
81. because they're just both so relieved
to be with one another.Copy !req
82. I like that.Copy !req
83. I wish they could all
feel that way more often.Copy !req
84. Is this why I had to come down here
and miss my fucking cartoons?Copy !req
85. You call me, you tell me
it's important, you know?Copy !req
86. What, to share in your half-assed
obsession with Hallmark moments?Copy !req
87. We're going home.Copy !req
88. Somebody sent us this in the mail.Copy !req
89. Take it and quit leering at me.
People will think I broke up with you.Copy !req
90. - You did just say we're going home?
- Read.Copy !req
91. "Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On
Catholicism Wow! Campaign. "Copy !req
92. And?Copy !req
93. You have to keep reading.Copy !req
94. "The rededication of
St. Michael's Church"-Copy !req
95. Is the kickoff of
a new campaign...Copy !req
96. which seeks to bring
Catholicism into the mainstream.Copy !req
97. With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance...Copy !req
98. of the century-old Jersey Shore
house of worship...Copy !req
99. will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence...Copy !req
100. a little-known Catholic belief
offering all that passes through it...Copy !req
101. a morally clean slate.Copy !req
102. For Sunday News Brief,
I'm Grant Hicks.Copy !req
103. All I gotta do, I walk through the arch
thing, and then I can go back home?Copy !req
104. No. By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.Copy !req
105. - Then all we have to do is die.
- Die? I don't wanna die.Copy !req
106. - You rather hang around here?
- No. We don't know if we can die.Copy !req
107. But what if we can and then
the arch thing doesn't work?Copy !req
108. What then, hell? Fuck that.Copy !req
109. It's impossible.
If we cut off our wings...Copy !req
110. and transubstantiate to complete
human form, we become mortal.Copy !req
111. If we die with clean souls,
they can't keep us out.Copy !req
112. We won't be angels anymore,
but at least we get to go home.Copy !req
113. - Who sent the paper?
- Who cares who sent the paper?Copy !req
114. All that matters is that after
all these years, we found a loophole.Copy !req
115. He can't keep us out anymore.Copy !req
116. Once we're back in,
he'll just forgive and forget.Copy !req
117. But this thing, this is Church law.
It's not divine mandate.Copy !req
118. Church laws are fallible
because they're created by man.Copy !req
119. One of the last sacred promises
imparted to Peter, the first pope...Copy !req
120. by the son of God
before he left was:Copy !req
121. "Whatever you hold true on Earth-"Copy !req
122. "I'll hold true in heaven. "Copy !req
123. It's dogmatic law. If the Church
says it's so, God must adhere.Copy !req
124. This thing has a papal sanction...Copy !req
125. Let it never be said your
anal retentive attention to detail...Copy !req
126. never yielded positive results.Copy !req
127. You can't be anal retentive
if you don't have an anus.Copy !req
128. Outstanding work!Copy !req
129. There's just one thing
I think we gotta do before we leave.Copy !req
130. This will help us get back
on his good side.Copy !req
131. What?Copy !req
132. I've been dreaming about this
for five years. Read that.Copy !req
133. "Mooby, the Golden Calf.Copy !req
134. Creating an empire
out of simplicity. "Copy !req
135. I wanna hit them.Copy !req
136. You really are
just a simple creature.Copy !req
137. We find a way back
and you wanna jeopardize that...Copy !req
138. because you yearn
for the good old days.Copy !req
139. What better way to repent than by
resuming the position I once denied...Copy !req
140. thanks to you?Copy !req
141. I don't think a killing spree
is gonna make things better for us.Copy !req
142. Killing spree?
I'm talking about divine justice here.Copy !req
143. I'm talking about raining down fire
and brimstone, punishing the wicked.Copy !req
144. He's all about that.
I know he'd want this done.Copy !req
145. There hasn't been an Angel of Death
since you quit.Copy !req
146. Doesn't that mean anything to you?Copy !req
147. And besides, what if you're wrong,
like you always are?Copy !req
148. If I'm wrong, which I'm not,
it's not gonna matter.Copy !req
149. We're gonna pass through
your arch thing anyway.Copy !req
150. We're gonna be forgiven.
No harm, no foul.Copy !req
151. Well, he does hate competition.
I will say that.Copy !req
152. And your Mooby certainly falls
under that heading.Copy !req
153. Where is this church
we have to go to?Copy !req
154. New Jersey. Rededication ceremony
is in four days.Copy !req
155. Last four days on Earth?Copy !req
156. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.Copy !req
157. - We can do the next best thing.
- What's that?Copy !req
158. Let's kill people.Copy !req
159. Oh, not you.Copy !req
160. The Illinois Chapter
of the Right to Life Foundation...Copy !req
161. will be holding its
biannual softball game...Copy !req
162. against the Cook County
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2.Copy !req
163. Today's second collection
will be donated...Copy !req
164. to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.Copy !req
165. For those of you
who haven't followed the news...Copy !req
166. an unidentified homeless man
who was accosted...Copy !req
167. and severely beaten at
the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday...Copy !req
168. lies in critical but stable condition
in one of that area's hospitals.Copy !req
169. He lacks identification...Copy !req
170. and police have had no luck
tracking down any possible family.Copy !req
171. The archbishop of the Trenton diocese
has disputed the state's decision...Copy !req
172. to remove the indigent man
from life-support systems...Copy !req
173. asking that Catholics
all over the country...Copy !req
174. join in this protest
against euthanasia.Copy !req
175. Well, now please rise
for the recession of faith.Copy !req
176. We believe in one god,
the Father Almighty...Copy !req
177. maker of heaven and earth.Copy !req
178. We believe in Jesus Christ,
his only son, our Lord...Copy !req
179. Hey, choose life!Copy !req
180. You're gonna burn in hell,
you fucking baby killer!Copy !req
181. Holy shit, it's the pope.Copy !req
182. Where?Copy !req
183. What are you talking about?Copy !req
184. Jesus. You're a Catholic.
Can't you talk to them?Copy !req
185. They hate me more than you,
no doubt.Copy !req
186. You have an excuse. You're Jewish.
You don't know any better.Copy !req
187. We already used that excuse
when we killed Christ.Copy !req
188. Where were you yesterday?
We went to brunch.Copy !req
189. I went to church.Copy !req
190. That still kills me, you and church.Copy !req
191. If only they knew your tithing came
from a Planned Parenthood check.Copy !req
192. I don't know why I still go, Liz.Copy !req
193. I can remember going to church
when I was young and being moved.Copy !req
194. Now I sit there every Sunday
and I feel nothing.Copy !req
195. I don't think I have any faith left.Copy !req
196. Remember that seminary student
I tried to set you up with?Copy !req
197. The 20-year-old. The one I could
have babysat for in high school.Copy !req
198. Well, the point is,
he told me something.Copy !req
199. He said that faith
is like a glass of water.Copy !req
200. When you're young, the glass is little,
so it's easy to fill.Copy !req
201. As you get older,
the glass gets bigger.Copy !req
202. The same amount of liquid
doesn't fill it.Copy !req
203. But periodically
the glass has to be refilled.Copy !req
204. You're suggesting I need
to get filled?Copy !req
205. In more ways than one.Copy !req
206. You need to get laid,
Bethany Sloane.Copy !req
207. You need a man,
if only for 10 minutes.Copy !req
208. My experience is that
the average male is never a man...Copy !req
209. not even for 10 minutes
in his entire life span.Copy !req
210. That sounds militant.
You thinking ofjoining the other side?Copy !req
211. Couldn't do it.
Women are insane.Copy !req
212. Then you need to go back to church
and ask God for a third option.Copy !req
213. I think God is dead.Copy !req
214. The sign of a true Catholic.Copy !req
215. Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.Copy !req
216. I'm from the EPA.Copy !req
217. We're checking on possible
Freon leaks.Copy !req
218. Tell me,
do you have air conditioning?Copy !req
219. Yes, we have central air.Copy !req
220. In every room?Copy !req
221. Except the bathroom. Why?Copy !req
222. Well, you know
what that means, don't you?Copy !req
223. Move.Copy !req
224. No pleasure, no rapture,
no exquisite sin greater...Copy !req
225. than central air.Copy !req
226. Pick that up.Copy !req
227. This will be the base of operations
from here on in.Copy !req
228. Now, if I remember
the protocol correctly...Copy !req
229. the powers will attempt
to contact the last scion.Copy !req
230. I need you three...Copy !req
231. to shuffle her loose
the mortal coil.Copy !req
232. Go.Copy !req
233. Behold the Metatron!Copy !req
234. Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!Copy !req
235. Behold the Metatron!Copy !req
236. Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!Copy !req
237. Behold the Metatron!Copy !req
238. Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true-Copy !req
239. Sweet Jesus!
Do you have to use the whole can?Copy !req
240. Who the fuck are you and what
the fuck are you doing in my room?Copy !req
241. I'm soaked and she's
the one that's surly. That's rich.Copy !req
242. Stubbed my fucking...Copy !req
243. Get the fuck out of here, now!Copy !req
244. Or you'll do what exactly?Copy !req
245. Hit me with that fish?Copy !req
246. Now, just sit down on the bed
and shut up.Copy !req
247. Jesus wept!Copy !req
248. Look at my suit.Copy !req
249. Take what you want,
but don't kill or rape me.Copy !req
250. Give over! I couldn't rape you
if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.Copy !req
251. See?Copy !req
252. I'm as anatomically impaired
as a Ken doll.Copy !req
253. Make yourself useful
and give me that towel.Copy !req
254. Honestly, you bottom-feeders
and your arrogance.Copy !req
255. You think everybody's just trying
to get in your knickers.Copy !req
256. What are you?Copy !req
257. I'm pissed off is what I am.Copy !req
258. Do you drench everyone who comes in
here with flame-retardant chemicals?Copy !req
259. No wonder you're single.Copy !req
260. Stand back.Copy !req
261. As I was saying...Copy !req
262. prior to your
fire-fighting episode...Copy !req
263. I am the Metatron.Copy !req
264. Don't tell me the name
doesn't ring a bell.Copy !req
265. You people.Copy !req
266. If there isn't a movie about it,
it's not worth knowing, is it?Copy !req
267. I am a seraphim.Copy !req
268. The highest choir of angels.Copy !req
269. You do know what an angel is,
don't you?Copy !req
270. Metatron acts as the voice of God.Copy !req
271. Any occasion when some yahoo
claims that God has spoken to them...Copy !req
272. they're speaking to me.Copy !req
273. Or they're talking to themselves.Copy !req
274. Why doesn't God speak for himself?Copy !req
275. Glad you decided to join
the conversation. To answer that...Copy !req
276. human beings have neither the aural
nor the psychological capacity...Copy !req
277. to withstand the awesome power
of God's true voice.Copy !req
278. Were you to hear it, your mind would
cave in and your heart would explode.Copy !req
279. We went through five Adams
before we figured that one out.Copy !req
280. Well, how do I know
you're an angel?Copy !req
281. What, aside from the fiery entrance
and the expansive wingspan?Copy !req
282. You want more proof?Copy !req
283. Fine.Copy !req
284. How about tequila?Copy !req
285. Where the hell are we?Copy !req
286. Only place you can go
for a good tequila.Copy !req
287. Dos tequilas, por favor,
and an empty glass.Copy !req
288. We're in Mexico?Copy !req
289. Actually, we're in the franchised
Mexican eatery...Copy !req
290. down the street
from your apartment...Copy !req
291. but it's impressive nonetheless.Copy !req
292. You don't mind I lost the wings,
do you?Copy !req
293. I'm trying to keep our profile low.Copy !req
294. What do you want with me?Copy !req
295. I am to charge you
with a holy crusade.Copy !req
296. For the record,
I work in an abortion clinic.Copy !req
297. Noah was a drunk.
Look what he accomplished.Copy !req
298. And no one's asking you
to build an ark.Copy !req
299. All you gotta do is go
to New Jersey...Copy !req
300. and visit a small church
on a very important day.Copy !req
301. New Jersey?Copy !req
302. That doesn't sound like
much of a crusade.Copy !req
303. Aside from the fine print,
that's it.Copy !req
304. What's the fine print?Copy !req
305. Stop a couple angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.Copy !req
306. Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.Copy !req
307. Stop a couple of angels
from entering...Copy !req
308. and thus negating all existence.Copy !req
309. I hate it when people
need it spelled out for them.Copy !req
310. You might want to clarify that.Copy !req
311. Back in the old days,
God was vengeful and hot-tempered.Copy !req
312. And his wrath was bore...Copy !req
313. by the Angel of Death,
name of Loki.Copy !req
314. When Sodom and Gomorrah
was destroyed...Copy !req
315. that was Loki.Copy !req
316. When the waters wiped out everything
except Noah and his menagerie...Copy !req
317. that was Loki.
And he was good at what he did.Copy !req
318. But one day he refused to
bear God's wrath any longer.Copy !req
319. - Why?
- He listened to his friend...Copy !req
320. a Grigori
by the name of Bartleby.Copy !req
321. Grigori?Copy !req
322. One of the choirs of angels.
They're called Watchers.Copy !req
323. Guess what they do.Copy !req
324. So one day, Loki's wiping out
all the firstborn of Egypt-Copy !req
325. The Tenth Plague.Copy !req
326. Tell a person you're the Metatron,
they stare blankly.Copy !req
327. Mention something in
a Charlton Heston movie...Copy !req
328. and suddenly everybody's
a theology scholar.Copy !req
329. May I continue uninterrupted?Copy !req
330. Once he's done with the firstborn...Copy !req
331. Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink.Copy !req
332. And over many rounds...Copy !req
333. they get into
this discussion about...Copy !req
334. whether murder
in God's name is okay.Copy !req
335. And in the end...Copy !req
336. Bartleby convinces Loki
to quit his position...Copy !req
337. and take one which doesn't
involve slaughter.Copy !req
338. So...Copy !req
339. very inebriated...Copy !req
340. Loki tells God he quits...Copy !req
341. throws down his fiery sword...Copy !req
342. and gives him the finger.Copy !req
343. Which ruins it for the rest of us
because from that day forward...Copy !req
344. God decreed that angels
could no longer imbibe alcohol.Copy !req
345. Hence all the spitting.Copy !req
346. So for their insolence...Copy !req
347. God decreed that neither Loki
nor Bartleby...Copy !req
348. would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.Copy !req
349. - Were they sent to hell?
- Worse.Copy !req
350. Wisconsin...Copy !req
351. for the entire span
of human history.Copy !req
352. And when the world ends, they'll have
to sit outside the gates for eternity.Copy !req
353. And this has what to do with me?Copy !req
354. Someone has clued them in
to a loophole in Catholic dogma...Copy !req
355. that would allow them
to reenter heaven.Copy !req
356. So what? They beat the system.
Good for them.Copy !req
357. It's not that simple.Copy !req
358. If they get in, they will have
reversed God's decree.Copy !req
359. Now listen closely because
this bit's very important.Copy !req
360. Existence in all its form
and splendor...Copy !req
361. functions solely on one principle:Copy !req
362. God is infallible.Copy !req
363. To prove him wrong...Copy !req
364. would undo reality
and everything that is.Copy !req
365. Up would become down,
black would become white.Copy !req
366. Existence would
become nothingness.Copy !req
367. In essence...Copy !req
368. if they're allowed to enter
that church...Copy !req
369. they'll unmake the world.Copy !req
370. If this is so major,
why are you talking to me?Copy !req
371. Why doesn't God
do something about it?Copy !req
372. He could. But he'd rather see you
take care of this one personally.Copy !req
373. Why me?Copy !req
374. Because of who you are.Copy !req
375. And who am I?Copy !req
376. The girl in the p. J. 's!Copy !req
377. Don't ask so many questions.
Just serve your purpose.Copy !req
378. I'm gonna have to pass.Copy !req
379. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
380. When some quiet little infection
destroyed my uterus, where was God?Copy !req
381. When my husband decided...Copy !req
382. he couldn't be with a wife
who couldn't bear children...Copy !req
383. where was God?Copy !req
384. To hell with him.Copy !req
385. Don't allow eons of history and life
to get blinked out of being...Copy !req
386. just because of a grudge
against your creator.Copy !req
387. So you lost the ability
to make life.Copy !req
388. You're being offered the chance
to play mother to the world...Copy !req
389. by acting like one
and protecting it.Copy !req
390. Saving it!Copy !req
391. But I can't make you.Copy !req
392. However, if you should decide
to stop being selfish...Copy !req
393. and accept your responsibility...Copy !req
394. you won't be alone.Copy !req
395. You'll have support.Copy !req
396. What? More angels?Copy !req
397. Prophets.Copy !req
398. In a manner of speaking.
Two of them.Copy !req
399. The one who speaks-Copy !req
400. And he will, at great length,
whether you want him to or not.Copy !req
401. - will make mention of himself
as a prophet.Copy !req
402. The other one...Copy !req
403. well, he's the quiet type.Copy !req
404. Look, I've gotta go.Copy !req
405. Remember, we're working
in a time frame here.Copy !req
406. Hey.Copy !req
407. - What's he like?
- God?Copy !req
408. Lonely...Copy !req
409. but funny.Copy !req
410. He's got a great sense of humor.Copy !req
411. Sex, for example.
There's nothing funnier...Copy !req
412. than the ridiculous faces
you people make mid-coitus.Copy !req
413. Sex is a joke in heaven?Copy !req
414. The way I understand it,
it's mostly a joke down here too.Copy !req
415. I'll see you.Copy !req
416. Snootch to
the motherfucking nootch!Copy !req
417. Go back to your paper routes,
you Mighty Duck Fucks!Copy !req
418. Snoogans.
Did you see that shit, man?Copy !req
419. I know they were just kids, but we
kicked their fucking pubeless asses!Copy !req
420. I don't know what to say
or think, except-Copy !req
421. That you'll offer us sex
as a reward?Copy !req
422. That I'd like to know
who they and you are.Copy !req
423. I'm Jay, and this is
my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.Copy !req
424. I don't know those kids,
but they would have kicked yours...Copy !req
425. and Lunchbox's asses
if I hadn't represented.Copy !req
426. Well, thanks for being
out here so late.Copy !req
427. Wait a minute. Are you protestors?Copy !req
428. You mean those dickheads with signs
and pictures of dead babies?Copy !req
429. Shit, no!
Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.Copy !req
430. A woman's body
is her own fucking business.Copy !req
431. But what are you doing
hanging around?Copy !req
432. We're here to pick up chicks.Copy !req
433. Excuse me?Copy !req
434. We figure abortion clinics are
a good place to meet loose women.Copy !req
435. Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?Copy !req
436. Right.Copy !req
437. Well, I should be going.
Thanks for the rescue.Copy !req
438. - I think.
- Wait a second.Copy !req
439. We just saved your ass,
and you're just gonna take off.Copy !req
440. What the shit is that?Copy !req
441. I had a weird night last night and
tonight's not shaping up to be better.Copy !req
442. I think I should go home,
take some Percosets and lay down.Copy !req
443. Now, how about that shit?
Fuck this town, man!Copy !req
444. I'm going back to Jersey
and starting the business again.Copy !req
445. I can kick the shit out of kids
in Red Bank and make myself a profit.Copy !req
446. Prophets. Two of them.Copy !req
447. You know what I'm saying,
Silent Bob?Copy !req
448. You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
449. We call this piece "The Fecalator. "Copy !req
450. One look at it and the target
shits him or herself.Copy !req
451. Try it on.Copy !req
452. It's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword...Copy !req
453. but it's not nearly as impressive.Copy !req
454. It doesn't have that
"wrath of the Almighty" edge to it.Copy !req
455. How am I supposed to strike fear into
the hearts of the wicked with this?Copy !req
456. Look at this.Copy !req
457. Well, then, you know, don't use a gun.
Lay the place to waste like.Copy !req
458. Easy for you to say.
You get off light in a razing.Copy !req
459. You got to stand and read
at Sodom and Gomorrah.Copy !req
460. I had to do all the work.Copy !req
461. What work did you do?
You lit a few fires.Copy !req
462. I rained down sulfur, man.
There's a subtle difference.Copy !req
463. Okay, I'm sure.Copy !req
464. Fuck you, man. Any moron with
a pack of matches can set a fire.Copy !req
465. Raining down sulfur
is an endurance trial.Copy !req
466. Mass genocide is the most
exhausting activity one can do...Copy !req
467. next to soccer.Copy !req
468. I'll take this one.Copy !req
469. So, what's up? You have a friend for
Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?Copy !req
470. If so, I'm first.
I hate sloppy seconds.Copy !req
471. You're a man of principle.Copy !req
472. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.
May I ask what brought you here?Copy !req
473. Some fuck named John Hughes.Copy !req
474. Sixteen Candles John Hughes?Copy !req
475. You know that guy too?
That fucking guy.Copy !req
476. He made this flick Sixteen Candles.
Not bad.Copy !req
477. There's tits in it, but no bush.Copy !req
478. But Ebert here don't give
a shit about that kind of thing...Copy !req
479. because he's in love
with this John Hughes guy.Copy !req
480. He goes out and rents
every one of his movies.Copy !req
481. Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid
kids actually show up for detention.Copy !req
482. Fucking Weird Science, where this
babe wants to undress and get down...Copy !req
483. but, oh, no, she don't,
because it's a PG movie.Copy !req
484. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't
watch with this tubby bitch anymore...Copy !req
485. because when the redhead
hooks up with her dream guy...Copy !req
486. he starts sobbing like a little bitch
with a skinned knee and shit.Copy !req
487. And there's nothing worse
than watching a fucking fat man weep.Copy !req
488. What exactly brought you
to lllinois?Copy !req
489. All these movies take place in this
small town called Shermer, lllinois...Copy !req
490. where all the honeys are top-shelf
but all the dudes are whiny pussies.Copy !req
491. Except for Judd Nelson.
He was fucking harsh.Copy !req
492. But best of all...Copy !req
493. there was no one dealing, man.Copy !req
494. Then it hits me.
We could live like phat rats...Copy !req
495. if we were the blunt connection
in Shermer, lllinois.Copy !req
496. So we collected some money
we were owed and caught a bus.Copy !req
497. But you know what the fuck
we found out when we got there?Copy !req
498. There is no Shermer in Illinois.Copy !req
499. Movies are fucking bullshit.Copy !req
500. When are you going
to New Jersey?Copy !req
501. Jeez, this broad asks
a lot of questions.Copy !req
502. - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.Copy !req
503. Yeah. So you do anal?Copy !req
504. Is it true chicks fart
if you blast them in the ass?Copy !req
505. I didn't ask you out for sex.Copy !req
506. I'll take head.Copy !req
507. This is gonna sound really bad. I can't
believe I'm even thinking about this...Copy !req
508. but I think I should go with you.Copy !req
509. What, like steady?
You wanna be my girlfriend?Copy !req
510. All right, but Silent Bob gets
to live with us and you pay the rent.Copy !req
511. No. I wanna go with you
to New Jersey.Copy !req
512. Really?Copy !req
513. You're going to
lead me somewhere.Copy !req
514. Me lead you?Copy !req
515. Lady, look at me. I don't even know
where I am half the time.Copy !req
516. If we're not gonna fuck, then what
the fuck did you ask us out for?Copy !req
517. Someone said I'd meet you and you'd
take me someplace I'm supposed to go.Copy !req
518. What the hell are
you babbling about?Copy !req
519. We saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarves...Copy !req
520. and now we're supposed to take you
somewhere as if we know where it is?Copy !req
521. Do you believe in God?Copy !req
522. Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches
out in front of that place...Copy !req
523. and we get the Jesus freak?Copy !req
524. - Let's get out of here.
- No, wait.Copy !req
525. - I'll scream rape.
- I can pay you.Copy !req
526. Pay?Copy !req
527. A hundred bucks
for being my guide.Copy !req
528. You were going to Jersey anyway.
All I'm asking is to tag along.Copy !req
529. I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie,
and she's Ben Kenobi...Copy !req
530. and we're in that fucked-up bar!Copy !req
531. What about sex?Copy !req
532. No sex.Copy !req
533. Let's say we're caught in a situation
where we have five minutes left to live.Copy !req
534. A bomb or something's gonna go off.
Would you fuck us then?Copy !req
535. In that highly unlikely situation?Copy !req
536. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
537. Yeah? She's a slut.Copy !req
538. All right.Copy !req
539. But I get to drive.Copy !req
540. What gear are you in?Copy !req
541. Gear?Copy !req
542. Well, what do I know
about shifting?Copy !req
543. Like I ever drove before.Copy !req
544. Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...Copy !req
545. New Jersey.Copy !req
546. Maybe you're wrong
on the slaughter thing.Copy !req
547. How can you be sure what incurs
the Lord's wrath these days?Copy !req
548. Times change.Copy !req
549. I remember eating meat on a Friday
used to be a hell-worthy trespass.Copy !req
550. The major sins never change.Copy !req
551. And besides, I can spot
a commandment-breaker...Copy !req
552. from, like, a mile away.Copy !req
553. Bet on it.Copy !req
554. This from the guy who still owes me
10 bucks over that bet...Copy !req
555. about which was gonna be the
bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.Copy !req
556. You know, fuck you, man,
because time's gonna tell on that one.Copy !req
557. Are you insinuating that I don't have
what it takes anymore?Copy !req
558. Insinuating, no.Copy !req
559. Flat-out telling you.Copy !req
560. Right there. Right there.
There's one.Copy !req
561. So? They're kissing.Copy !req
562. Adultery.Copy !req
563. - Adultery?
- Adultery.Copy !req
564. You are just a simple creature.Copy !req
565. - Am I right or what?
- I happen to know the truth.Copy !req
566. I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see
how boned up on the job you are.Copy !req
567. - What's your proof?
- He's wearing a wedding band.Copy !req
568. And it never occurred to you
that maybe she's his wife?Copy !req
569. No married man kisses
his wife like that.Copy !req
570. Okay. Well, it's a good thing
you were never...Copy !req
571. the deciding member on a jury
is all I'm saying.Copy !req
572. "No married man kisses his wife
like that"? Are you stoned?Copy !req
573. Excuse me.Copy !req
574. Are you married?Copy !req
575. Why?Copy !req
576. I'm just curious.Copy !req
577. What do you think?Copy !req
578. - What?
- To her?Copy !req
579. - What?
- Are you married to her?Copy !req
580. Not that it's any of
your fucking business, but no.Copy !req
581. Why?Copy !req
582. Whose house?Copy !req
583. Run's houseCopy !req
584. I said, whose house?Copy !req
585. Run's houseCopy !req
586. Whose house
Say what?Copy !req
587. Run's house
Say what?Copy !req
588. MartinCopy !req
589. MartinCopy !req
590. She's fucking pissed, dude.
She's never gonna fuck us now.Copy !req
591. Maybe you,
but definitely not me.Copy !req
592. Let me know how she is.Copy !req
593. Nobody is fucking me!
You got that?Copy !req
594. I don't know what I was thinking
in that diner...Copy !req
595. but being that I've decided to
go home, and not to New Jersey...Copy !req
596. sorry for the inconvenience,
and goodbye.Copy !req
597. You're breaking up with us?Copy !req
598. Who the hell do you think
you are, lady?Copy !req
599. You can't just go around
breaking people's hearts like that!Copy !req
600. I fell in love with you!
We fell in love with you!Copy !req
601. Guys like us just don't fall out
of the fucking sky, you know.Copy !req
602. Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women
just don't fall out of the sky, you know.Copy !req
603. No heartbeat.Copy !req
604. Think someone threw him out a plane
with a message on him...Copy !req
605. like in Con Air?Copy !req
606. - Did you ever see that flick?
- Oh, did that suck!Copy !req
607. - Con Air? Con Shit.
- Kill it! Kill it!Copy !req
608. - Sounds familiar.
- Jesus, are you okay?Copy !req
609. Yeah, it's Rufus.
And yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
610. He's the fucking undead!
Cut his head off!Copy !req
611. Hey! What I just did gave me
a fucking migraine!Copy !req
612. So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna
yank your sac off like a paper towel.Copy !req
613. Speaking of which,
you're awfully nude.Copy !req
614. - Rufus, is it?
- Yes, Rufus it is.Copy !req
615. It's usually Long Rufus, but it's
a little cold out here. You understand.Copy !req
616. Big Papa, how about lending a brother
your coat till I find threads?Copy !req
617. Dude, he fell out of thin air.Copy !req
618. Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing
inside of your armor.Copy !req
619. - Dude!
- Thanks a lot, baby.Copy !req
620. I'll do my best to tuck it back.Copy !req
621. It's been a while since physics
but I would think...Copy !req
622. the impact with which you hit
would have liquefied you.Copy !req
623. Death is a worry of the living.Copy !req
624. The dead, like myself, only worry
about decay and necrophiliacs.Copy !req
625. - Told you he was the undead.
- Not the undead. The dead.Copy !req
626. I died.Copy !req
627. Christ told me the secret
to resurrection once.Copy !req
628. We were at this wedding in Canaan.
And I got drunk and forgot it.Copy !req
629. Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
630. Christ?Copy !req
631. You knew Christ?Copy !req
632. Knew him?
Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.Copy !req
633. Let me guess.Copy !req
634. - You're another angel?
- Oh, I ain't no angel.Copy !req
635. I'm a man, just like you and him.
Well, maybe not him.Copy !req
636. At least I was a man.Copy !req
637. Been dead nearly 2000 years.
Here, check this out.Copy !req
638. No wonder he saw Jesus.
Homey's rocking the ganj.Copy !req
639. It's not a joint.Copy !req
640. I can't read this.Copy !req
641. It's Aramaic. It says,
"Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus. "Copy !req
642. Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up.Copy !req
643. Took all the flavor out of
the remaining years. We gotta go.Copy !req
644. Let's say we continue this discussion
over a two-piece and a biscuit.Copy !req
645. I'm starving. Back off, Kato.Copy !req
646. Wait a second!Copy !req
647. Between guys with wings,
guys falling out of the sky...Copy !req
648. and guys trying like hell
to fuck me...Copy !req
649. I think I've been a pretty good sport
about all this so far.Copy !req
650. But I'm not going anywhere until
I find out where you came from.Copy !req
651. Me? I came from heaven.Copy !req
652. Now let's start walking.Copy !req
653. Walk? Fuck you! Do you know
how far we are from anywheres?Copy !req
654. Hey, man, back in the old days
with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.Copy !req
655. Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?Copy !req
656. What the hell's an apostle?Copy !req
657. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
658. She's already met the prophets...Copy !req
659. and the apostle's with them?Copy !req
660. I think that our best course
of action...Copy !req
661. is to ensure that our parcel
is not found.Copy !req
662. And being that I can't even
trust you enough to kill a woman...Copy !req
663. well, I'm left with no choice...Copy !req
664. but to seek outside assistance
in guarding said package.Copy !req
665. I'm gonna have to summon
the Golgothan.Copy !req
666. I appreciate the loan.
You can have that back.Copy !req
667. I remember when all we had
for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.Copy !req
668. - What do you call this shit?
- Egga Mooby Muffin.Copy !req
669. Now, how about you start
explaining things, like for starters...Copy !req
670. how did you find us?Copy !req
671. You know what the dead do
with most of their time?Copy !req
672. Watch the living.
Especially in the shower.Copy !req
673. I can't wait to die.Copy !req
674. And why are you watching me?Copy !req
675. Because you're gonna help me
get changes made...Copy !req
676. in that book
you put so much stock in.Copy !req
677. - Hustler?
- The Bible!Copy !req
678. - What's your beef with the Bible?
- For starters, I'm not in it.Copy !req
679. Neither are we. You don't
hear us bitching and moaning.Copy !req
680. But I'm supposed to be in it.
I was the 13th apostle.Copy !req
681. I've gone to church my whole life and
never heard of Rufus, the 13th apostle.Copy !req
682. Yeah, but you heard of
the other 12 apostles.Copy !req
683. Yeah, all white boys, I might add.
But no mention of me, Rufus.Copy !req
684. And why is that?
Because I'm a black man.Copy !req
685. But you know what?
That's just my pet peeve.Copy !req
686. I'm mainly here to correct a major error
you've been basing the faith on.Copy !req
687. - What's that?
- Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.Copy !req
688. I don't buy it.Copy !req
689. If that's true, why did he get
written about and you were left out?Copy !req
690. Well, he is the son of God.Copy !req
691. Kind of hard to have
a New Testament without him.Copy !req
692. So you fudge a few facts,
you put a spin on his ethnicity.Copy !req
693. Leaving me out's okay because you
still got 12 white boys to choose from.Copy !req
694. You gonna listen to this shit?Copy !req
695. That's what the good people
of Antioch said...Copy !req
696. right before they stoned my ass.Copy !req
697. You were martyred?Copy !req
698. That's one way of putting it.Copy !req
699. Another way is to say I was
bludgeoned by big fucking rocks.Copy !req
700. White folks only wanna hear
the good shit:Copy !req
701. Life eternal,
a place in God's heaven.Copy !req
702. But as soon as you hear
you're getting this good shit...Copy !req
703. from a black Jesus, you freak.Copy !req
704. And that, my friends,
is called hypocrisy.Copy !req
705. A black man can steal your stereo,
but he can't be your savior.Copy !req
706. Gonna eat that hash brown?Copy !req
707. So you went to heaven?Copy !req
708. Damn right I went to heaven!
Shit, that's the least he could do.Copy !req
709. In the three years I followed his ass
around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?Copy !req
710. Hell, no. And I was in my prime.Copy !req
711. I could have been knee-deep
in shepherds' daughters...Copy !req
712. not to mention fine-ass
Mary Magdalene.Copy !req
713. She had a thing for dark meat.Copy !req
714. Maybe this is just me talking,
but if I were in heaven...Copy !req
715. I wouldn't care what the Bible said
as long as the message was right.Copy !req
716. The message is what counts.Copy !req
717. But folks who build their faith
on that message should be colorblind.Copy !req
718. And all my rabble-rousing
is not doing that much above.Copy !req
719. So I'm gonna need
some help down here.Copy !req
720. That's why I'm gonna help stop those
angels from getting into that church...Copy !req
721. in exchange for you helping me
with my campaign.Copy !req
722. How do you know about that,
the angels?Copy !req
723. - Isn't much I don't know about you.
- I find that hard to believe.Copy !req
724. When you were 5, you let a kid
from next door piss in your hand.Copy !req
725. You did that shit? You're nasty.Copy !req
726. I never told anybody about that.Copy !req
727. Neither did he.Copy !req
728. Two years later,
that kid died of leukemia.Copy !req
729. - His name was Brian Johnson.
- Brian Johnson.Copy !req
730. See, your exploits,
no matter how inane...Copy !req
731. are well documented in heaven.Copy !req
732. Probably hell too.Copy !req
733. Where are you going?Copy !req
734. Yo, man, tell me
something about me.Copy !req
735. You masturbate more
than anyone on the planet.Copy !req
736. Fuck. Everyone knows that.
Tell me something nobody knows.Copy !req
737. When you do it,
you're thinking about guys.Copy !req
738. - Dude, not all the time.
- Sorry if I scared you.Copy !req
739. Two-thirds of me wants to
forget about this and go home.Copy !req
740. Yesterday, I wasn't sure
if God even existed.Copy !req
741. Now I'm up to my ass
in Christian mythology.Copy !req
742. Let me let you in
on a little inside info.Copy !req
743. God hates it when
it's referred to as "mythology. "Copy !req
744. Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"
what we should call it instead.Copy !req
745. Where did those two assholes go?Copy !req
746. What are you doing?Copy !req
747. Proving to this bastard
I ain't gay.Copy !req
748. - What?
- Long story. Forget it.Copy !req
749. We gotta get moving.
How can we get to Jersey?Copy !req
750. The train. I'll call for reservations.Copy !req
751. I thought she looked familiar.Copy !req
752. - Who?
- Serendipity.Copy !req
753. Morning, shoppers.Copy !req
754. Good morning.Copy !req
755. - Has anyone seen the overnights?
- No, sir.Copy !req
756. - We creamed them.
- All right.Copy !req
757. Last night was a rerun,
which says to me-Copy !req
758. Do I smell onions?Copy !req
759. Excuse me.Copy !req
760. May I ask what you're doing
in my boardroom?Copy !req
761. You may proceed, mon ami.Copy !req
762. I'm gonna have to start
by apologizing.Copy !req
763. My friend has a bit of a penchant
for the dramatic.Copy !req
764. Oh, come on!Copy !req
765. Would you just relax? I'm doing it.Copy !req
766. Mooby, the Golden Calf.Copy !req
767. Created by Nancy Goldruff,
a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989.Copy !req
768. Bought by the Complex Corporation
in 1991.Copy !req
769. Broadcast nationally
as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.Copy !req
770. Since its inception,
has spawned two theatrical films...Copy !req
771. 16 records,
eight prime-time specials...Copy !req
772. and a library
of priced-to-own videocassettes.Copy !req
773. Not to mention
bicoastal theme parks...Copy !req
774. dubbed "Mooby World. "Copy !req
775. Did I miss anything?Copy !req
776. You forgot Mooby Magazine.Copy !req
777. Damn it!Copy !req
778. Now, is there a point to this?Copy !req
779. You and your board are idolaters.Copy !req
780. I can't believe you forgot
the magazine.Copy !req
781. That's you.Copy !req
782. Do you know much about voodoo?Copy !req
783. That's a fascinating practice.
No real doctrine of faith to speak of.Copy !req
784. More an arrangement
of superstitions...Copy !req
785. the most well-known of which...Copy !req
786. is the voodoo doll.Copy !req
787. You see...Copy !req
788. a mockup of an individual
is subjected...Copy !req
789. to various pokes and prods.Copy !req
790. The desired result is that
the individual will feel those effects.Copy !req
791. - Call security, now!
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
792. All lines are currently down.Copy !req
793. - I have to apologize-
- Would you knock it off?Copy !req
794. You're doing it again. Stop.
What did we talk about?Copy !req
795. You are responsible
for raising an icon...Copy !req
796. which draws worship
from the Lord.Copy !req
797. You have broken
the First Commandment.Copy !req
798. More than that,
I'm afraid not a one of you...Copy !req
799. passes for a decent human being.Copy !req
800. Your continued existence
is a mockery of morality.Copy !req
801. Like you, Mr. Burton.Copy !req
802. Last year, you cheated on your wife
of 17 years eight times.Copy !req
803. You even had sex
with her best friend...Copy !req
804. while you were supposed to
be home watching the kids.Copy !req
805. In the bed that you
and your wife share, no less.Copy !req
806. Mr. Newman.Copy !req
807. You got your girlfriend drunk
at last year's Christmas party...Copy !req
808. and then paid a kid
from the mail room...Copy !req
809. to have sex with her
while she was passed out...Copy !req
810. just so you could break up
with her guilt-free...Copy !req
811. when she sobbingly confessed
in the morning.Copy !req
812. She killed herself
three months later.Copy !req
813. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.Copy !req
814. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.Copy !req
815. Mr. Ray put his mother
in a third-rate nursing home...Copy !req
816. and used the profits
from the sale of her home...Copy !req
817. to buy an Oriental rug for himself.Copy !req
818. Heavens.Copy !req
819. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand
on the company account...Copy !req
820. to have sex with
an 11-year-old boy.Copy !req
821. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production
of Mooby Dolls...Copy !req
822. from materials he knew
to be toxic and unsafe...Copy !req
823. because it was, survey says...Copy !req
824. less costly.Copy !req
825. You, on the other hand...Copy !req
826. are an innocent.Copy !req
827. You lead a good life.Copy !req
828. Good for you.Copy !req
829. But you, Mr. Whitland...Copy !req
830. you have more skeletons in
your closet than this assembled party.Copy !req
831. I cannot even mention them aloud.Copy !req
832. You're his father, you sick fuck.Copy !req
833. - Good.
- Not bad, right?Copy !req
834. That's great work. Very good.Copy !req
835. Well...Copy !req
836. alone at last.Copy !req
837. With the exception of
Miss Pryce here...Copy !req
838. there isn't a decent human being
amongst you.Copy !req
839. Not one.Copy !req
840. Do you know what makes
a human being decent?Copy !req
841. Fear.Copy !req
842. And therein lies the problem.Copy !req
843. None of you has anything
left to fear anymore.Copy !req
844. You rest comfortably in seats
of inscrutable power...Copy !req
845. hiding behind your false idol,
far from judgment...Copy !req
846. lives shrouded in secrecy,
even from one another.Copy !req
847. But not from God.Copy !req
848. Forgot my little voodoo doll.Copy !req
849. Man, it really looks
just like you, doesn't it?Copy !req
850. Look, if I believed enough in this...Copy !req
851. I wonder-Copy !req
852. Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.Copy !req
853. Voodoo.Copy !req
854. But I do believe in this.Copy !req
855. Don't run! Don't run!Copy !req
856. Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!
Oh, and you!Copy !req
857. "But I do believe in this. "Copy !req
858. What does that mean?Copy !req
859. And one to grow on.Copy !req
860. Gum?Copy !req
861. Go on. It's okay.Copy !req
862. You've done nothing wrong.Copy !req
863. These guys were fakes.Copy !req
864. You're a pure soul.Copy !req
865. But you didn't say "God bless you"
when I sneezed.Copy !req
866. Loki!Copy !req
867. You're getting off light.Copy !req
868. - Loki!
- I know. I'm coming.Copy !req
869. You're so lucky.Copy !req
870. I forgot you were down here.
How long now?Copy !req
871. Three years this August.Copy !req
872. Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out
of the Bible because she's a woman?Copy !req
873. This girl's no woman.Copy !req
874. Oh. Those weren't tits
I saw Jay cozying up to?Copy !req
875. What, these?Copy !req
876. You should know better than anyone
here that tits don't make a woman.Copy !req
877. The tubby, coat-wearing
motherfucker's got tits.Copy !req
878. What traditionally defines a woman
falls between two things:Copy !req
879. Her legs.Copy !req
880. But as you can see...Copy !req
881. I lack definition.Copy !req
882. Hey, they're getting a free show!
Let me see that shit!Copy !req
883. Oh, God,
another angel like Metatron.Copy !req
884. How do you know-?
How does she know Metatron?Copy !req
885. This is the last scion.Copy !req
886. You're kidding.Copy !req
887. I'm confused.Copy !req
888. Bethany, Serendipity here
isn't technically an angel.Copy !req
889. Nor is she, by any means,
a human being like I was and you are.Copy !req
890. - I used to be an abstract.
- Now I'm really confused.Copy !req
891. I'm a muse, stupid.Copy !req
892. I can't take much more of this.Copy !req
893. So you, what, inspire people?Copy !req
894. What just went down
with your friends there...Copy !req
895. It doesn't take a muse to inspire
horny retards to empty their wallets.Copy !req
896. I used to specialize
in entertainment.Copy !req
897. For example, I'm responsible for 19 of
the 20 top-grossing films of all time.Copy !req
898. - Nineteen?
- Yeah.Copy !req
899. The one about the kid
by himself in his house...Copy !req
900. burglars trying to come in
and he fights them off...Copy !req
901. I had nothing to do
with that one.Copy !req
902. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to
get grosses up on that piece of shit.Copy !req
903. What are you doing stripping?Copy !req
904. You remember why I left?Copy !req
905. Because you were tired of getting
none of the credit for your ideas.Copy !req
906. So I opted to quit being a muse
and write for myself.Copy !req
907. I gave my two weeks' notice,
got a body, 50 bucks...Copy !req
908. and got sent out into the world
to make my fortune.Copy !req
909. So, what happened?Copy !req
910. Writer's block.Copy !req
911. Can you believe it?
Me, a muse, for God's sake.Copy !req
912. I can inspire anyone I meet and give
out a zillion and nine ideas a second...Copy !req
913. but I can't keep any for myself.Copy !req
914. Her quirky sense of humor.Copy !req
915. - Whose?
- God's.Copy !req
916. - You're saying God's a woman?
- Was there a doubt in your mind?Copy !req
917. He's always referred to as "him. "Copy !req
918. Well, that's not how I wrote it.Copy !req
919. But one of the drawbacks
to being intangible...Copy !req
920. is that you have no say
in the editorial process.Copy !req
921. The people that held the pens
added their own perspective...Copy !req
922. and all the penholders were men.Copy !req
923. So she became a he.
Doesn't stop with God either.Copy !req
924. The whole book's gender-biased.Copy !req
925. A woman's responsible
for original sin.Copy !req
926. A woman cuts Samson's
coif of power.Copy !req
927. A woman asks for the head
of John the Baptist.Copy !req
928. Read that book again.Copy !req
929. Women are bigger antagonists than
Egyptians and Romans combined.Copy !req
930. It stinks.Copy !req
931. Why is the last scion here?Copy !req
932. Bartleby and Loki.
They found a way back.Copy !req
933. - Not the plenary-indulgence loophole.
- You know about that?Copy !req
934. I always knew that thing
was a bad idea.Copy !req
935. Leave it to the Catholics
to destroy existence.Copy !req
936. You have issues with Catholicism,
I take it?Copy !req
937. I have issues with those who treat God
like a burden instead of a blessing...Copy !req
938. like some Catholics.Copy !req
939. You people don't celebrate your faith,
you mourn it.Copy !req
940. - If we're wrong, what religion is right?
- It's not about who's right or wrong.Copy !req
941. No denomination's nailed it yet...Copy !req
942. because they're all
too self-righteous to realize...Copy !req
943. that it doesn't matter what you have
faith in, just that you have faith.Copy !req
944. Your hearts are in the right place,
but your brains gotta wake up.Copy !req
945. Look, they made me and Silent Bob
part of the gang.Copy !req
946. Who fucking farted?Copy !req
947. Not born. Shit into existence.Copy !req
948. Sweet Christ,
somebody wants you bad!Copy !req
949. - What is that thing?
- An excremental.Copy !req
950. - The Golgothan.
- A what?Copy !req
951. A shit demon!Copy !req
952. No man of woman born!Copy !req
953. - Friend of yours?
- Is this smelly fuck with us?Copy !req
954. It came for Bethany!Copy !req
955. Smoke that motherfucker
like it ain't no thing!Copy !req
956. Damn! I knew I was gonna
whack somebody today!Copy !req
957. Yo, get your fucking hand back.Copy !req
958. Represent!Copy !req
959. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
960. Looks like we're in charge
of the gang now.Copy !req
961. Over the bar! Come on!Copy !req
962. - Where did that thing come from?
- Ever heard of Golgotha?Copy !req
963. The hill where Christ
was crucified?Copy !req
964. It wasn't just Christ.
The Romans crucified everyone there.Copy !req
965. Christ excluded, they were criminals.
Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.Copy !req
966. Whenever the crucified expired,
their bodies lost muscle control...Copy !req
967. spilling bowel and bladder
in the process...Copy !req
968. the result of which is
that walking pile of crap there.Copy !req
969. The Golgothan shit demon,
hell's chief assassin.Copy !req
970. And it's here for you, girlie.Copy !req
971. - Bob, get down!
- Matches! Matches!Copy !req
972. - You the man.
- How?Copy !req
973. "Knocks strong odors out. "Copy !req
974. - Way to go, biggie.
- Why would you ever carry this?Copy !req
975. What?Copy !req
976. Whoever sent this might send more.Copy !req
977. I suggest you take the princess
and get as far away as possible.Copy !req
978. I'll try to get something
out of poopy boy here.Copy !req
979. If he tells me something,
I'll let you know.Copy !req
980. Hello. We'd like two tickets
to New Jersey, please.Copy !req
981. - Jersey's sold out, sir.
- What?Copy !req
982. There's one same time tomorrow.Copy !req
983. Don't underestimate the staggering
drawing power of the Garden State...Copy !req
984. and show up
two hours in advance.Copy !req
985. Nice.Copy !req
986. Your hard-on for smiting
has prevented us from negotiating...Copy !req
987. what ought to be the relatively simple
matter of catching or staying on a bus.Copy !req
988. Bus, schmus.Copy !req
989. Why should we fall victim to gravity
when we can just as easily rise above?Copy !req
990. - You mean fly?
- We got wings, right?Copy !req
991. Fuck, let's use them!Copy !req
992. I wouldn't suggest that.Copy !req
993. You see, kids...Copy !req
994. you wouldn't want to look like
a couple of fairies, now, would you?Copy !req
995. Look at this pimp.
How'd you get out of hell?Copy !req
996. I said I was coming up
on a routine possession.Copy !req
997. I don't have much time. They figure
out my ruse, they'll come for me.Copy !req
998. - What's with bringing us in here?
- You're inches from getting caught.Copy !req
999. Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings.Copy !req
1000. Don't you know what's going on?Copy !req
1001. Well, we're going home.Copy !req
1002. Really. Are you so clueless as to think
you can just waltz back into heaven?Copy !req
1003. - Why not?
- Everybody is looking for you.Copy !req
1004. Both sides. Above and below.Copy !req
1005. Orders are to terminate you
on sight.Copy !req
1006. - Really?
- Why?Copy !req
1007. Because you're pissing people off,
that's why.Copy !req
1008. Word is that God's pissed off
at your presumption...Copy !req
1009. and I know Lucifer's pissed because
you might make him look bad...Copy !req
1010. by succeeding where he's failed.Copy !req
1011. - So they're just gonna kill us?
- They're gonna try.Copy !req
1012. That's why you have to
travel incognito.Copy !req
1013. Tone down your behavior.
Stay off their respective radars.Copy !req
1014. Quit killing people.
That's high-profile.Copy !req
1015. - Oh, lighten up.
- I can't believe they wanna kill us.Copy !req
1016. Oh, believe it, boys.Copy !req
1017. They've even got the last scion
looking for you.Copy !req
1018. - Really?
- You're kidding.Copy !req
1019. This is huge. Your reentry
is a thorn in a lot of sides.Copy !req
1020. They'll stop at nothing
to prevent it.Copy !req
1021. Meanwhile, I suggest you find
an alternate mode of transportation.Copy !req
1022. If anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.Copy !req
1023. Thank you, Azrael.
You're a true friend.Copy !req
1024. I have to get back to the pit
before they get suspicious.Copy !req
1025. And remember, incognito.Copy !req
1026. How you coping, kid?Copy !req
1027. It's weird.Copy !req
1028. Just when I think
I have a handle on things...Copy !req
1029. something wholly unbelievable
presents itself.Copy !req
1030. Sometimes I wish
I'd just stayed home.Copy !req
1031. You sound like the man.Copy !req
1032. What's he like?Copy !req
1033. He likes to listen to people talk.Copy !req
1034. Christ loved to sit around the fire,
listen to me and the other guys.Copy !req
1035. Whenever we were going on
about unimportant shit...Copy !req
1036. he always had a smile
on his face.Copy !req
1037. His only real beef with mankind...Copy !req
1038. is the shit that gets carried out
in his name.Copy !req
1039. Wars, bigotry, televangelism.Copy !req
1040. The big one, though,
is the factioning of all the religions.Copy !req
1041. He said mankind got it all wrong...Copy !req
1042. by taking a good idea
and building a belief structure on it.Copy !req
1043. You're saying having beliefs
is a bad thing?Copy !req
1044. I just think it's better
to have ideas.Copy !req
1045. You can change an idea.
Changing a belief is trickier.Copy !req
1046. People die for it. People kill for it.Copy !req
1047. The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now...Copy !req
1048. because of the Catholic beliefs
regarding this plenary-indulgence shit.Copy !req
1049. Bartleby and Loki,
whether they know it or not...Copy !req
1050. are exploiting that belief...Copy !req
1051. and if they're successful...Copy !req
1052. you, me, all of this
ends in a heartbeat.Copy !req
1053. All over a belief.Copy !req
1054. I haven't seen the moron twins
in a while. How about you?Copy !req
1055. One time we were at the mall,
we tied Tubby to the ceiling...Copy !req
1056. and he went flying through the air,
fucking crashed through the wall.Copy !req
1057. It was fucked up.Copy !req
1058. You two aren't getting into
any trouble, are you?Copy !req
1059. No. We're just about to smoke a fatty
with these two suave motherfuckers...Copy !req
1060. who just got on at the last stop.
This is Larry and Barry.Copy !req
1061. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
1062. So Jay tells us
you're gonna sleep with him.Copy !req
1063. Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.Copy !req
1064. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
1065. That's some bad shit, dude.Copy !req
1066. You hit that?Copy !req
1067. Yeah, you're bad, dude.Copy !req
1068. Bad shit.Copy !req
1069. So why are you
heading to New Jersey?Copy !req
1070. It's just this thing I have to do.Copy !req
1071. We're going home.Copy !req
1072. Oh. Do you two live together?Copy !req
1073. Unfortunately, yes.Copy !req
1074. So how long have you two
been together?Copy !req
1075. A while.Copy !req
1076. He can be pretty flaky sometimes,
but we have a lot in common.Copy !req
1077. How'd you meet?Copy !req
1078. We were stationed together.Copy !req
1079. See, that's beautiful.Copy !req
1080. Everybody's always up in arms
about this "out in the military" issue.Copy !req
1081. Pardon?Copy !req
1082. There's all that macho bullshit
about it being "this man's army. "Copy !req
1083. And you two meet there, hook up-Copy !req
1084. You think we're lovers?
No, no. We're not gay.Copy !req
1085. Oh, God. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1086. - I just assumed.
- Do I come off as gay?Copy !req
1087. - No.
- All right.Copy !req
1088. My ex-husband sort of screwed up
my relationship awareness barometer.Copy !req
1089. - You're divorced.
- That's a nice way of putting it.Copy !req
1090. I call it being dumped.Copy !req
1091. I was...Copy !req
1092. dumped once.Copy !req
1093. Don't you just constantly
question your value?Copy !req
1094. Like, why was I so easy
to cast aside?Copy !req
1095. And you wonder if the other party
is gonna come to their senses...Copy !req
1096. and call you back.Copy !req
1097. And they always tell you
it'll hurt less with time.Copy !req
1098. When actually...Copy !req
1099. it hurts more.Copy !req
1100. You know what we need?Copy !req
1101. What do we need?Copy !req
1102. We need drinks.Copy !req
1103. We need a lot of drinks.Copy !req
1104. Gargon.Copy !req
1105. You're saying you still
go to church?Copy !req
1106. Every Sunday.Copy !req
1107. Does it-? I mean, does it
do anything for you?Copy !req
1108. It gives me time to balance
my checkbook every week.Copy !req
1109. That's what I'm saying. People don't
go to church to feel spiritual anymore.Copy !req
1110. They go to church and feel bored...Copy !req
1111. but they keep going every week
just out of habit.Copy !req
1112. I am so buzzed.Copy !req
1113. When do you think
you lost your faith?Copy !req
1114. I remember the exact moment.Copy !req
1115. I was on the phone
with my mother...Copy !req
1116. and she was trying to counsel me
through this...Copy !req
1117. This thing.Copy !req
1118. And when nothing she was saying
was making me feel any better...Copy !req
1119. she said:Copy !req
1120. "Bethany...Copy !req
1121. God has a plan. "Copy !req
1122. I was- I was so angry with her.Copy !req
1123. I was like:Copy !req
1124. "What about my plans?"Copy !req
1125. You know?Copy !req
1126. I had planned to have a family...Copy !req
1127. with my husband.Copy !req
1128. Wasn't that plan
good enough for God?Copy !req
1129. Apparently not.Copy !req
1130. How about you?
When did you lose your faith?Copy !req
1131. A long time ago.Copy !req
1132. One day God just stopped listening.Copy !req
1133. I kept talking...Copy !req
1134. but I got the distinct impression
he wasn't listening anymore.Copy !req
1135. How did you know she was listening
in the first place?Copy !req
1136. Well, I guess I don't.Copy !req
1137. I hate thoughts like that.Copy !req
1138. But, you know,
they come to you with age.Copy !req
1139. Because when you're a kid you never
question the whole faith thing.Copy !req
1140. God's in heaven, and he's-Copy !req
1141. She's always got her eye on you.Copy !req
1142. I'd give anything
to feel that way again.Copy !req
1143. Guess that's why
I got talked into this pilgrimage.Copy !req
1144. Where is this pilgrimage to?Copy !req
1145. - You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- Try me.Copy !req
1146. All right, but I warned you.Copy !req
1147. Okay.Copy !req
1148. I'm going to this church
in New Jersey.Copy !req
1149. Really?Copy !req
1150. Kerwood Mandel to car three.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.Copy !req
1151. See, I'm supposed to stop
a couple of angels...Copy !req
1152. from going into the church.Copy !req
1153. They're trying-Copy !req
1154. Shit.Copy !req
1155. They're trying
to get back into heaven.Copy !req
1156. See, they got tossed
out of heaven...Copy !req
1157. years ago, right?Copy !req
1158. And if they get back in...Copy !req
1159. it proves God wrong...Copy !req
1160. and since God is infallible...Copy !req
1161. to prove her wrong...Copy !req
1162. would, you know,
unmake existence.Copy !req
1163. May I have your attention, please.Copy !req
1164. The dining car will be closing
in five minutes. Thank you.Copy !req
1165. I feel so stupid...Copy !req
1166. just saying it.Copy !req
1167. The thing I don't get is, I mean...Copy !req
1168. how am I supposed to stop
an angel?Copy !req
1169. Two, even!Copy !req
1170. I guess I'm supposed to
talk them out of it or something.Copy !req
1171. Maybe you're supposed to
kill them.Copy !req
1172. Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.Copy !req
1173. I mean, even if that were the case,
which it's not...Copy !req
1174. how do you kill an angel, Barry?Copy !req
1175. I don't suppose it's much different
from killing a human.Copy !req
1176. Where the hell is everybody?
I wake up and-Copy !req
1177. - The apostle.
- Holy shit!Copy !req
1178. Rufus, I want you to meet
my new friend Barry.Copy !req
1179. Don't be such a show-off, Barry.Copy !req
1180. Take it easy, Bartleby.
Just let her go.Copy !req
1181. - We can talk about this.
- Bartleby?Copy !req
1182. After all this time, it comes down
to slaughter by a meat puppet?Copy !req
1183. Get your fucking hands off me,
you dickless son of a bitch!Copy !req
1184. Save it, lady. Five minutes ago
you were aching to top me off.Copy !req
1185. Loki!Copy !req
1186. Holy shit. The apostle.Copy !req
1187. I didn't come in you, Pete,
I swear.Copy !req
1188. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1189. This woman has to stop two angels
from entering a church.Copy !req
1190. - She means us?
- No, two other fucking angels.Copy !req
1191. I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
Rufus, we're to be liquidated?Copy !req
1192. You haven't thought about
the consequences of your reentry.Copy !req
1193. Consequences, schmonsequences.Copy !req
1194. We're going home, okay?
No matter whose pride it may hurt.Copy !req
1195. - It's not a matter of pride!
- Loki, kill the girl.Copy !req
1196. Are you high? I can't kill her
if she hasn't done anything.Copy !req
1197. Fine. I'll kill her myself.Copy !req
1198. What, I fall asleep
and everyone takes off?Copy !req
1199. - These guys are fucking flat-leavers.
- Shut his mouth.Copy !req
1200. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1201. Jay!Copy !req
1202. Biggie!Copy !req
1203. The door! The door!Copy !req
1204. Can't we talk about this?Copy !req
1205. Why don't I just get off
at the next stop!Copy !req
1206. No ticket.Copy !req
1207. - The apostle is here.
- I noticed.Copy !req
1208. Then you know who the chick was,
don't you?Copy !req
1209. The scion, I imagine!Copy !req
1210. Maybe we should rethink
this whole thing.Copy !req
1211. I mean, you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.Copy !req
1212. And Azrael tells us we're marked?Copy !req
1213. There's more to this
than we thought of.Copy !req
1214. I was close.Copy !req
1215. You know? I was so close
to slitting that bitch's throat.Copy !req
1216. You know how I felt? Righteous.Copy !req
1217. Justified. Eager, even.Copy !req
1218. You all right?
Your eyes are kind of-Copy !req
1219. My eyes are open.Copy !req
1220. For the first time I get it.Copy !req
1221. When that little innocent girl
let her mission slip, I had an epiphany.Copy !req
1222. See, in the beginning it was
just us and him, angels and God.Copy !req
1223. Then he created humans.Copy !req
1224. Ours was designed to be
a life of servitude and worship...Copy !req
1225. and bowing and scraping
and adoration.Copy !req
1226. He gave them more
than he ever gave us.Copy !req
1227. He gave them a choice.Copy !req
1228. They choose to acknowledge God
or choose to ignore him.Copy !req
1229. All this time
we've been down here...Copy !req
1230. I've felt the absence
of the divine presence...Copy !req
1231. and it's pained me,
as I'm sure it must have pained you.Copy !req
1232. And why?
Because of the way he made us.Copy !req
1233. Had we been given free will, we could
choose to ignore the pain like they do.Copy !req
1234. But no, we're servants.Copy !req
1235. Okay.Copy !req
1236. You know, all I'm saying here is that
one of us might need a little nap.Copy !req
1237. Wake up!Copy !req
1238. Humans have besmirched
everything he's bestowed on them.Copy !req
1239. They were given paradise,
they threw it away.Copy !req
1240. They were given this planet,
they destroyed it.Copy !req
1241. They were favored best
among all his endeavors...Copy !req
1242. and some of them
don't even believe he exists!Copy !req
1243. And in spite of it all...Copy !req
1244. he has shown them
infinite fucking patience...Copy !req
1245. at every turn.Copy !req
1246. What about us?Copy !req
1247. I asked you once...Copy !req
1248. to lay down the sword
because I felt sorry for them.Copy !req
1249. What was the result?Copy !req
1250. Our expulsion from paradise.Copy !req
1251. Where was his
infinite fucking patience then?Copy !req
1252. It's not right! It's not fair!Copy !req
1253. We've paid our debt!Copy !req
1254. Don't you think it's time?Copy !req
1255. Don't you think it's time
we went home?Copy !req
1256. And to do that, I think we may have to
dispatch our would-be dispatchers.Copy !req
1257. Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?Copy !req
1258. You're talking about the last scion,
for chrissake.Copy !req
1259. And what about Jay and Bob?
Those guys were all right.Copy !req
1260. Don't. Don't, my friend.Copy !req
1261. See, don't let your sympathies
get the best of you.Copy !req
1262. They did me once.Copy !req
1263. Scion or not...Copy !req
1264. she's just a human...Copy !req
1265. and by passing through that arch
our sins are forgiven.Copy !req
1266. No harm, no foul.Copy !req
1267. My God.
I've heard a rant like this before.Copy !req
1268. What did you say?Copy !req
1269. - I've heard a rant like this before.
- Don't you do that to me.Copy !req
1270. - You sound like the morning star.
- You shut your fucking mouth!Copy !req
1271. You sound like Lucifer, man!
You've fucking lost it!Copy !req
1272. You're not talking about
going home, Bartleby.Copy !req
1273. You're talking about
fucking war on God.Copy !req
1274. Well, fuck that.Copy !req
1275. I have seen what happens to the proud
when they take on the throne.Copy !req
1276. I'm going back to Wisconsin.Copy !req
1277. We're going home, Loki...Copy !req
1278. and no one, not you,
not even the Almighty himself...Copy !req
1279. is gonna make that otherwise.Copy !req
1280. Shit.Copy !req
1281. Why couldn't we stay on the train?
You threw those guys off.Copy !req
1282. Very basic strategy.Copy !req
1283. If your enemies know where you are,
then don't be there.Copy !req
1284. Why are we enemies?Copy !req
1285. Well, I know I'd perceive the person
sent to kill me as an enemy.Copy !req
1286. What does that mean? Since when
am I supposed to kill anybody?Copy !req
1287. I'm tired of
all this cryptic bullshit.Copy !req
1288. I'm physically and psychologically
exhausted, Rufus...Copy !req
1289. and I'm ready to kick back
and welcome the end of existence...Copy !req
1290. unless you come clean right now.Copy !req
1291. Why me?Copy !req
1292. Out of all the people on the
goddamn planet, why was I tapped?Copy !req
1293. Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.Copy !req
1294. You're told you're God's only son,
but more than that, you're God.Copy !req
1295. How long would it take to come
to grips with something that huge?Copy !req
1296. Maybe, say, 18 years?Copy !req
1297. In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes
from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.Copy !req
1298. Now, that's some pretty bad
storytelling.Copy !req
1299. Where are the volumes of text
dealing with the missing 18 years?Copy !req
1300. I'll tell you where.Copy !req
1301. They were offered up as a sacrifice
to the god of ecumenical politics.Copy !req
1302. You make it sound like
there's some church conspiracy...Copy !req
1303. to cover up
"the truth about Christ. "Copy !req
1304. Oh, bullshit.Copy !req
1305. Any important material
about Christ...Copy !req
1306. would give people
a better understanding of God.Copy !req
1307. - Why would they leave any of it out?
- Because it's tied in with his family.Copy !req
1308. - His mother and father.
- His brothers and sisters.Copy !req
1309. Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters.
Mary was a virgin.Copy !req
1310. Mary gave birth to Christ without
knowing a man's touch. This is true.Copy !req
1311. But she did have a husband.Copy !req
1312. Do you really think he would've stayed
married to her for all those years...Copy !req
1313. if he wasn't getting laid?Copy !req
1314. The nature of God and the virgin birth,
those are leaps of faith.Copy !req
1315. But to believe a married couple never
got down, that's just plain gullibility.Copy !req
1316. Meaning?Copy !req
1317. The blood that flows
through your veins...Copy !req
1318. shares a chromosome or two
at the genetic level...Copy !req
1319. with the one you call Jesus.Copy !req
1320. Bethany, you are...Copy !req
1321. the great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great...Copy !req
1322. great-great-grandniece
of Jesus Christ.Copy !req
1323. So that would make Bethany
part black?Copy !req
1324. I can't do this anymore.Copy !req
1325. Bethany, where you gonna go?
You know what I'm saying is right.Copy !req
1326. - It's bullshit.
- Bethany.Copy !req
1327. It's bullshit!Copy !req
1328. Let her go, man.Copy !req
1329. Give her time.Copy !req
1330. Why?Copy !req
1331. What the fuck do you want
from me?Copy !req
1332. I fucking hate you!Copy !req
1333. I hate you.Copy !req
1334. He can't hear you, you know.Copy !req
1335. That's why we needed you.Copy !req
1336. Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
1337. Would you-?Copy !req
1338. Could you have believed me?Copy !req
1339. It was something
you had to come to gradually.Copy !req
1340. Only after everything you've seen...Copy !req
1341. everything you've heard...Copy !req
1342. could you possibly be able
to accept the truth.Copy !req
1343. I don't want this.Copy !req
1344. It's too big.Copy !req
1345. That's what Jesus said.Copy !req
1346. I had to tell him.Copy !req
1347. You can imagine
how that hurt the Father...Copy !req
1348. not to be able
to tell the son himself...Copy !req
1349. because one word from his lips
would destroy the boy's human form.Copy !req
1350. So I had to deliver the news
to a scared child...Copy !req
1351. who wanted nothing more
than to play with other children.Copy !req
1352. I had to tell this little boy
that he was God's only son...Copy !req
1353. and it meant a life of persecution
and eventual crucifixion...Copy !req
1354. at the hands of the very people
he'd come to enlighten and redeem.Copy !req
1355. He begged me to take it all back.Copy !req
1356. As if I could.Copy !req
1357. He begged me to
"make it all not true. "Copy !req
1358. I'll let you in on something, Bethany,
it's something I've never told anyone.Copy !req
1359. If I had the power...Copy !req
1360. I would have.Copy !req
1361. It's unfair.Copy !req
1362. It's unfair to ask a child
to shoulder that responsibility...Copy !req
1363. and to ask you
to do the same now.Copy !req
1364. I sympathize. I do.
I wish I could take it all back.Copy !req
1365. But I can't.Copy !req
1366. This...Copy !req
1367. is who you are.Copy !req
1368. Everything I am has been a lie?Copy !req
1369. No, no, no.Copy !req
1370. Knowing what you now know doesn't
mean you're not who you were.Copy !req
1371. You are Bethany Sloane.Copy !req
1372. No one can take that away from you,
not even God.Copy !req
1373. All this means is
a redefinition of that identity.Copy !req
1374. The incorporation of this new data
into who you are.Copy !req
1375. Be who you've always been.Copy !req
1376. Just...Copy !req
1377. be this as well...Copy !req
1378. from time to time.Copy !req
1379. Guess this means
no more cheating on my taxes.Copy !req
1380. To say the least.Copy !req
1381. Do you mind if we adjourn
to somewhere...Copy !req
1382. a tad more habitable...Copy !req
1383. and a bit warmer?Copy !req
1384. Fuck, man, I think this shit
just kicked in.Copy !req
1385. Weren't we just in the woods?
What are we doing here now?Copy !req
1386. Going out in style.Copy !req
1387. - The voice.
- The apostle.Copy !req
1388. Now, who's this motherfucker?Copy !req
1389. It's the voice of God.
Show some respect.Copy !req
1390. Oh, the voice of God.
Where's the rest of him?Copy !req
1391. Funny you should mention that.
We're not sure.Copy !req
1392. - What?
- Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you...Copy !req
1393. that this Bartleby-Loki situation was
well within the sphere of his control?Copy !req
1394. Yes, but then why was she tapped?Copy !req
1395. You know those constitutionals
that he likes to take?Copy !req
1396. "Constitutionals"?Copy !req
1397. I think we're beyond euphemisms
at this point.Copy !req
1398. God's a skeeball fanatic.Copy !req
1399. The Lord has a fancy for the game.
He's been playing it for years.Copy !req
1400. He assumes a human form
once a month and indulges.Copy !req
1401. Doesn't say where he's playing,
just goes away for a couple hours.Copy !req
1402. And he always gives his free points
away to neighborhood children.Copy !req
1403. Isn't that sweet?Copy !req
1404. But she hasn't come back from
one of these day trips, is that it?Copy !req
1405. No, she hasn't...Copy !req
1406. and we've been
unable to locate her.Copy !req
1407. He could've been killed.
Human form does have that drawback.Copy !req
1408. No, there's a different sort
of foul play afoot, children.Copy !req
1409. Whomever has set
the renegade angels on their path...Copy !req
1410. and is keeping them
quite well hidden...Copy !req
1411. is also responsible
for the Lord's whereabouts.Copy !req
1412. Were he to be killed
in human form...Copy !req
1413. he'd have returned
immediately to heaven.Copy !req
1414. Someone knew enough...Copy !req
1415. to keep him biologically alive...Copy !req
1416. but incapacitate him
in another fashion.Copy !req
1417. And as omnipotent
as we are above...Copy !req
1418. I have to admit that we're
more or less lost without his presence.Copy !req
1419. We've looked everywhere for him.Copy !req
1420. I tapped her because I thought we'd be
able to smoke out whoever's behind it.Copy !req
1421. But whoever he is was clever enough
to send some lackeys after you...Copy !req
1422. as opposed to showing up
themselves.Copy !req
1423. Could it be Lucifer?Copy !req
1424. Not Lucifer.Copy !req
1425. If he was, he'd have made
his move by now to conquer Heaven.Copy !req
1426. And I know he's not responsible
for Bartleby and Loki...Copy !req
1427. because he has just as much to lose
by their return as anybody else.Copy !req
1428. So, what do we do now?Copy !req
1429. Well, I say we get drunk,
because I'm all out of ideas.Copy !req
1430. Why don't we just ask this guy
to close the church?Copy !req
1431. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
1432. It's the guy in charge
of the church thing.Copy !req
1433. Cardinal Glick?Copy !req
1434. Maybe we can ask him
to shut down the church.Copy !req
1435. If it's closed that day, those guys
can't get blessed or whatever, right?Copy !req
1436. Good Lord.Copy !req
1437. The little stoner's got a point.Copy !req
1438. Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into
canceling the rededication ceremony.Copy !req
1439. "We"?Copy !req
1440. Are you saying you're back in,
Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore?Copy !req
1441. I wouldn't want to let the family down,
now, would I?Copy !req
1442. Well...Copy !req
1443. the prophets finally
live up to their titles.Copy !req
1444. Mass attendance is at
an all-time low in this country...Copy !req
1445. but if we can let them know the
Catholic Church has a little panache...Copy !req
1446. we can win them back,
even get some new ones.Copy !req
1447. Excuse me.Copy !req
1448. Fill them pews, people.Copy !req
1449. That's the key.
Grab the little ones as well.Copy !req
1450. Hook them while they're young.Copy !req
1451. - Kind of like the tobacco industry.
- Christ, if only we had their numbers.Copy !req
1452. We really appreciate you seeing us
so late in the day, Your Eminence.Copy !req
1453. My friends and I have been traveling
all night in hope of talking to you...Copy !req
1454. about the St. Michael's
rededication ceremony.Copy !req
1455. So you looking to help out
in some way, I take it?Copy !req
1456. We'd like you to cancel
the ceremony.Copy !req
1457. I beg your pardon.Copy !req
1458. There's gonna be a world of trouble
if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward.Copy !req
1459. Are you pro-choice?Copy !req
1460. No, no. The trouble's not from us.Copy !req
1461. It's from renegade angels that have
been stuck on Earth since the plagues.Copy !req
1462. These guys,
they think they're renegade angels.Copy !req
1463. See, padre, it goes down like this.Copy !req
1464. These guys think that
by passing through that archway...Copy !req
1465. they can go straight to heaven.Copy !req
1466. You want me to call off
the ceremony for that.Copy !req
1467. Who sent you?Copy !req
1468. We were sent
by him who is called I Am!Copy !req
1469. Cute. Really cute.Copy !req
1470. Kids, playtime with the cardinal
is over.Copy !req
1471. - Worked for Moses.
- Stay out of this.Copy !req
1472. Your Eminence, it's not a joke.Copy !req
1473. I'm telling you, man,
this ceremony's a big mistake.Copy !req
1474. The Catholic Church
does not make mistakes.Copy !req
1475. Please! What about the Church's
silent consent of the slave trade?Copy !req
1476. And its platform of noninvolvement
during the Holocaust?Copy !req
1477. All right, mistakes were made.Copy !req
1478. But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church...Copy !req
1479. responsible for
the oversights of old.Copy !req
1480. I'm an important man with important
matters that demand my attention...Copy !req
1481. so if you please-Copy !req
1482. - But tomorrow-
- Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.Copy !req
1483. Do I make myself clear?Copy !req
1484. Neither you nor any other influence
short of the hand of God himself...Copy !req
1485. is gonna keep this thing
from going off without a hitch.Copy !req
1486. I can see the headlines now...Copy !req
1487. if there were gonna be any.Copy !req
1488. "Existence Erased. "Copy !req
1489. Don't worry about it.
We evened the score.Copy !req
1490. Hand it over, Silent Bob.Copy !req
1491. What up?Copy !req
1492. You stole the cardinal's driver?Copy !req
1493. That's what he gets for messing with
our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck.Copy !req
1494. That's sort of sweet.
Thanks, guys.Copy !req
1495. What do we do now
about Bartleby and Loki?Copy !req
1496. I guess we're gonna
have to try and kill them.Copy !req
1497. - You said they couldn't be killed.
- Correction.Copy !req
1498. They won't be killed.Copy !req
1499. And just to ensure that,
we're all gonna sit tight...Copy !req
1500. right here, until those two idiots
pass through that arch.Copy !req
1501. Hey. There's only
one idiot here, Azrael...Copy !req
1502. and I'm looking right at him.Copy !req
1503. Muse!Copy !req
1504. Just in time to join us for a drink.Copy !req
1505. Hey. Where'd you come from?Copy !req
1506. - Where'd you come from?
- Me?Copy !req
1507. Nothingness.Copy !req
1508. And that's where I'm returning to
in approximately, oh, one hour.Copy !req
1509. All right, Plato, sounds like
you've had enough already.Copy !req
1510. - Let's go.
- Oh, darn it!Copy !req
1511. Come on, barkeep, just one drink.
One for the road, then I'm gone?Copy !req
1512. I was trying to find you to tell you
I figured out who was behind all this.Copy !req
1513. Is that who I think it is?Copy !req
1514. - None other than.
- Who is he?Copy !req
1515. All right, one drink.
Then you're gone.Copy !req
1516. Give me a...Copy !req
1517. Holy Bartender.Copy !req
1518. Never heard of it.Copy !req
1519. He doesn't know how to make
a Holy Bartender.Copy !req
1520. You do, don't you, Muse?Copy !req
1521. Don't.Copy !req
1522. Anybody? No?Copy !req
1523. Well, I know how to make
a Holy Bartender.Copy !req
1524. Get it?Copy !req
1525. Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?Copy !req
1526. Come on, demon! Try that shit
on somebody who's already dead!Copy !req
1527. Oh, apostle, you maintain
that kind of an attitude...Copy !req
1528. and you and the barkeep won't be
the only corpses in the room.Copy !req
1529. The Christ bitch will join you.Copy !req
1530. Are you really that stupid?Copy !req
1531. You do know what's gonna happen
if those two jerks enter that church.Copy !req
1532. I'm actually counting on it.Copy !req
1533. And if my calculations
are correct...Copy !req
1534. the pawns are moving
into checkmate as we speak.Copy !req
1535. "Holy Bartender. " I get it.
That's a great one!Copy !req
1536. I'd also like to acknowledge this great
state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...Copy !req
1537. for coming here this morning.Copy !req
1538. True, she's a Protestant, but we're
not gonna hold that against her.Copy !req
1539. Now, let me just tell you a little bit
of history about this particular...Copy !req
1540. hundred-years-young
house of God.Copy !req
1541. God's house?Copy !req
1542. God doesn't live here anymore.Copy !req
1543. He's grown weary
of your superficial faith.Copy !req
1544. He's turned a deaf ear
to your lip-service prayers.Copy !req
1545. - He has abandoned you...
- Sorry.Copy !req
1546. his favorites,
to the whim ofjudgment.Copy !req
1547. Hypocrites, charlatans...Copy !req
1548. prepare to taste God's wrath.Copy !req
1549. Maybe we should just leave.Copy !req
1550. You wanted your body count.
You got it.Copy !req
1551. This lot is rife with sin.
We'll judge them all.Copy !req
1552. Officer McGhee.Copy !req
1553. All right, mouthpiece...Copy !req
1554. let's leave the nice cardinal alone
and go for a ride.Copy !req
1555. Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.Copy !req
1556. You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.Copy !req
1557. Is that so?Copy !req
1558. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1559. you have been judged as guilty of
violations against our Almighty God...Copy !req
1560. and this very day...Copy !req
1561. I assure you, you will all
pay for your trespasses...Copy !req
1562. in blood.Copy !req
1563. - Wings. Now.
- I'm feeling a little exposed here.Copy !req
1564. Do it!Copy !req
1565. - So he's a muse too?
- Former muse.Copy !req
1566. He was kicked out.Copy !req
1567. Ever the fucking apple polisher.Copy !req
1568. Then what happened?Copy !req
1569. Yes, what?Copy !req
1570. Well, Lucifer just had to start
his little war for the throne.Copy !req
1571. Heaven became divided
into two factions...Copy !req
1572. the faithful and the renegades.Copy !req
1573. Oh, the ethereal plains
were chaotic with battle.Copy !req
1574. Angel against angel.Copy !req
1575. And when it was all over,
God cast the rebels into perdition.Copy !req
1576. But Azrael refused to fight.Copy !req
1577. He remained in the middle, waiting
to see who came out victorious.Copy !req
1578. What are you,
some kind of fucking chicken?Copy !req
1579. No.Copy !req
1580. I was an artist, stupid!Copy !req
1581. I was inspiration!Copy !req
1582. A muse has no place in battle.Copy !req
1583. So after the fallen
were banished to hell...Copy !req
1584. God turned on those
that wouldn't fight...Copy !req
1585. and Azrael was sent down
with the demons...Copy !req
1586. something he considers
a great injustice.Copy !req
1587. Oh, come on.Copy !req
1588. Don't tell me you never questioned
the judgment, Serendipity.Copy !req
1589. No. It never bothered me.Copy !req
1590. So you were an artist.Copy !req
1591. Big deal!Copy !req
1592. Elvis was an artist...Copy !req
1593. but that didn't stop him from
joining the service in time of war.Copy !req
1594. That's why he is the king...Copy !req
1595. and you're a schmuck.Copy !req
1596. Nice.Copy !req
1597. So all this is about revenge.Copy !req
1598. You're gonna unmake existence
because of a grudge against God?Copy !req
1599. After the first million years? No.Copy !req
1600. Escape from hell
became my all-consuming reason.Copy !req
1601. So I studied the religions and waited
for my opportunity to present itself...Copy !req
1602. which it finally did...Copy !req
1603. in Catholicism.Copy !req
1604. Plenary indulgence.Copy !req
1605. But I couldn't exercise it.Copy !req
1606. Demons can't become human.Copy !req
1607. No, we can't transubstantiate.Copy !req
1608. But angels can.Copy !req
1609. Bartleby and Loki.Copy !req
1610. After that it was a simple matter
of waiting for a church...Copy !req
1611. to celebrate their centennial...Copy !req
1612. and when it finally happened I sent
the pair an article laced with ideas.Copy !req
1613. An incantation
I picked up in the pit...Copy !req
1614. kept them cloaked
and off heaven's radars.Copy !req
1615. And aside from the triplets here
and the Golgothan...Copy !req
1616. no soul in hell had a clue
as to what was going on.Copy !req
1617. But the Almighty
could still putsch the whole deal...Copy !req
1618. so I dispatched him
in a fairly ingenious fashion.Copy !req
1619. Her. And how?Copy !req
1620. That's the only thing
I couldn't figure out.Copy !req
1621. Oh, no, I've seen way too many
Bond movies to know...Copy !req
1622. that you never reveal
all the details of your plan...Copy !req
1623. no matter how close
you may think you are to winning.Copy !req
1624. The only X factor was the involvement
of the last scion here.Copy !req
1625. But fat lot of good that did, right?
I mean, here you all are.Copy !req
1626. Powerless to stop the inevitable.Copy !req
1627. Look, asshole, I don't know
if anyone explained the rules to you...Copy !req
1628. but if you succeed everything gets
blinked out of existence, even you.Copy !req
1629. Human, have you ever
been to hell?Copy !req
1630. I think not.Copy !req
1631. I'd rather not exist
than go back to that.Copy !req
1632. And if everyone has to
go down with me, so be it.Copy !req
1633. Still thinking only about yourself...Copy !req
1634. you fucking child!Copy !req
1635. Now, now, now.Copy !req
1636. Things are getting
too intense in here.Copy !req
1637. Hey! What say
we watch a little TV?Copy !req
1638. Yo, put on Channel 9.
Davey and Goliath.Copy !req
1639. Actually, I was thinking more
along the lines of current events.Copy !req
1640. Keep rolling! Keep rolling!Copy !req
1641. I repeat,
men with huge fucking wings...Copy !req
1642. have laid waste to St. Michael's!Copy !req
1643. Bullets don't seem to affect them!Copy !req
1644. The remainder of the crowd
have dropped to their knees...Copy !req
1645. identifying this
as the fabled apocalypse.Copy !req
1646. Now, I'm not a man of faith,
but I'm inclined to agree.Copy !req
1647. God, please, don't come any closer!
Don't come any closer! God, no!Copy !req
1648. No!Copy !req
1649. You see that?
And I told them to keep a low profile.Copy !req
1650. I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes
it's not gonna matter antway.Copy !req
1651. Oh, now what was that
all about?Copy !req
1652. What?Copy !req
1653. Oh, nothing.Copy !req
1654. I had something in my eye.Copy !req
1655. Now who's the fucking child?Copy !req
1656. What did you tell him,
to hit me with the golf club?Copy !req
1657. Are you serious?
I'm a fucking demon.Copy !req
1658. You'd have him assault me
with a putter?Copy !req
1659. You want to play? Then we'll play.Copy !req
1660. One side, Red.Copy !req
1661. Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
Call it a gift.Copy !req
1662. Come on.Copy !req
1663. That's it.Copy !req
1664. Take a shot.Copy !req
1665. Take your best fucking shot.Copy !req
1666. Seriously. I'm not kidding.
Take it. Come on.Copy !req
1667. Come on, bright boy.Copy !req
1668. Don't you know anything?Copy !req
1669. Bethany, bless the sink!Copy !req
1670. - What?
- Just do it!Copy !req
1671. Bless the sink, damn it!Copy !req
1672. That's what you get, motherfucker.Copy !req
1673. But I'm a fucking demon.Copy !req
1674. What just happened?Copy !req
1675. He said it himself:
"I'm a fucking demon. "Copy !req
1676. Hit a demon with an instrument of God,
the pure side will do the most damage.Copy !req
1677. Holy shit!
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?Copy !req
1678. No, but Glick's the kind of asshole
who'd bless his clubs for a better game.Copy !req
1679. - But the sink?
- You've got the divine heritage.Copy !req
1680. Sanctifying is just
one of the fringe benefits.Copy !req
1681. Remind me to try the water-to-wine
thing at my next party.Copy !req
1682. - How far away is this church?
- Three towns over, about 10 miles.Copy !req
1683. - Rufus, grab the gun.
- Ten steps ahead of you.Copy !req
1684. Take the bartender's car.
He won't need it.Copy !req
1685. The whole fucking world's against us,
dude, I swear to God.Copy !req
1686. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1687. And people wonder why
I don't go to church anymore.Copy !req
1688. Are we too late?Copy !req
1689. To save these poor schmucks?Copy !req
1690. Yeah.Copy !req
1691. But we still exist.Copy !req
1692. Where are they?Copy !req
1693. They could already be
in the church.Copy !req
1694. So if they come out,
nobody touches them.Copy !req
1695. Are you fucking shitting me?Copy !req
1696. The brother is gonna shred them
with his angel-be-good special...Copy !req
1697. ain't you, homey?Copy !req
1698. If they pass through that arch,
they're clean.Copy !req
1699. And if they die, they go straight up.Copy !req
1700. And, hello!
We know what happens then, right?Copy !req
1701. - Why don't they kill themselves?
- It's a mortal sin.Copy !req
1702. Die with a mortal sin and you burn.
They don't wanna go to hell.Copy !req
1703. Then what are we supposed to do,
wait for a solution to fall from the sky?Copy !req
1704. Friend of yours?Copy !req
1705. No, that was a cardinal.Copy !req
1706. You can't tell from his face,
but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.Copy !req
1707. It's one of them!
Kill that motherfucker!Copy !req
1708. Don't you listen?Copy !req
1709. - We can't touch him!
- I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.Copy !req
1710. He's been at it for a while now.Copy !req
1711. Please! Please!Copy !req
1712. We ran out of parishioners...Copy !req
1713. so he just started picking up folk
off the road and just dropping them.Copy !req
1714. This is just eons of repression
getting purged.Copy !req
1715. If only they'd let us jerk off,
you know?Copy !req
1716. Take a step back.Copy !req
1717. Let me go!Copy !req
1718. Why? What are you trying to prove?Copy !req
1719. - All these people!
- Hey, this wasn't my idea!Copy !req
1720. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1721. I just wanted to go home.Copy !req
1722. But him, you know...Copy !req
1723. he just lost it.Copy !req
1724. He realized who you were
and what you were gonna have to do.Copy !req
1725. He just snapped.Copy !req
1726. And the funny thing is, this guy could
never even stand to see me work.Copy !req
1727. He said he felt sorry
for you people.Copy !req
1728. Now look at him.Copy !req
1729. This guy's fucking drunker
than hell.Copy !req
1730. Which means he's human now.Copy !req
1731. His wings have been cut off.Copy !req
1732. Loki...Copy !req
1733. Loki.Copy !req
1734. The muse?Copy !req
1735. Oh, no way!Copy !req
1736. I haven't seen you-
You look terrific.Copy !req
1737. What's with the tits? Can I-Copy !req
1738. Have you walked
through the arch yet?Copy !req
1739. Tell me. Have you gone in and
come out through the archway yet?Copy !req
1740. No!Copy !req
1741. He's back.Copy !req
1742. We were awaiting your arrival.Copy !req
1743. Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.Copy !req
1744. You can't go through with this.
Azrael was just using you.Copy !req
1745. If you go back-Copy !req
1746. I've become aware
of the repercussions.Copy !req
1747. I know what I'm doing.Copy !req
1748. You sick, twisted fuck!Copy !req
1749. Bethany.Copy !req
1750. You, of all people, should understand
what I'm trying to accomplish here.Copy !req
1751. You too know what it feels like
to be cast aside.Copy !req
1752. But you've only dealt with the pain
a few years.Copy !req
1753. I've dealt with it for a millennia.Copy !req
1754. And while you never see
your ex-husband...Copy !req
1755. or how blissful he is
with his new wife-Copy !req
1756. And he is.Copy !req
1757. - seeing you people every day on this
perfect world he created for you...Copy !req
1758. is a constant reminder...Copy !req
1759. that though my kind came first...Copy !req
1760. your kind was most revered.Copy !req
1761. And while you know forgiveness...Copy !req
1762. we know only regret.Copy !req
1763. The lesson must be taught.Copy !req
1764. All are accountable...Copy !req
1765. even God.Copy !req
1766. Soon a cadre of police will arrive...Copy !req
1767. just in time to kill us
as we exit the church.Copy !req
1768. Then this failed experiment
called existence...Copy !req
1769. will cease to be.Copy !req
1770. No. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
1771. No. No.Copy !req
1772. I can't let you do that, Bartleby.Copy !req
1773. This has gone too far.Copy !req
1774. I might have to take you down.Copy !req
1775. It's okay.Copy !req
1776. I'll do it.Copy !req
1777. My compatriot.Copy !req
1778. Genocide takes a lot out of him.Copy !req
1779. He's weakened.Copy !req
1780. You're weak.Copy !req
1781. More importantly,
he's also a human being...Copy !req
1782. a condition which carries
two liabilities.Copy !req
1783. A conscience...Copy !req
1784. and...Copy !req
1785. a short life span.Copy !req
1786. I'm sorry, old friend,
but you lost the faith.Copy !req
1787. Oh, my God. He's lost it.
We're fucked.Copy !req
1788. - We're absolutely fucked!
- I hear that shit.Copy !req
1789. I can't believe this shit.Copy !req
1790. We're on the brink of nonexistence
and God's still missing.Copy !req
1791. - What kind of deity gets kidnapped?
- Amen to that.Copy !req
1792. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
1793. If the whole world's gonna end,
you said you'd fuck me.Copy !req
1794. - You're a pig.
- Nobody's gonna beat that thing.Copy !req
1795. We can lay here all comatose like that
John Doe Jersey bastard over there...Copy !req
1796. - ... or we can get making with the love.
- What did you say?Copy !req
1797. Make with the love.
It's a nice way of saying boning.Copy !req
1798. No, about John Doe Jersey.Copy !req
1799. That guy they won't take off
life support, John Doe Jersey.Copy !req
1800. This is where he's at,
St. Michael's Hospital.Copy !req
1801. Where's the nearest boardwalk?Copy !req
1802. I ain't got time to win you a prize.
We gotta get to the fucking.Copy !req
1803. - Where is it?
- Asbury Park, about five miles away.Copy !req
1804. - Have you been there?
- Once, with a chick.Copy !req
1805. We were about to fuck on the carousel
and I got sick, started puking.Copy !req
1806. - Do they have skeeball there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1807. That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
1808. Whatever you do, stall Bartleby
from going into that church.Copy !req
1809. Bob, come with me. Come on!Copy !req
1810. - How am I supposed to do that?
- Think of something!Copy !req
1811. I already did, but it takes two of us!Copy !req
1812. I repeat, this is not a drill.Copy !req
1813. This is the apocalypse.Copy !req
1814. Please exit the hospital
in an orderly fashion.Copy !req
1815. Thank you.Copy !req
1816. Hey, Big Bird!Copy !req
1817. Ready for the counting game?Copy !req
1818. No!Copy !req
1819. Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.Copy !req
1820. No more bullets.Copy !req
1821. Now, what the fuck
would you do that for?Copy !req
1822. Angels have to cut their wings off
to become human.Copy !req
1823. You just did him a favor, stupid!Copy !req
1824. I hope you're the skeeball type.Copy !req
1825. Oh, Bartleby.Copy !req
1826. Was Wisconsin really that bad?Copy !req
1827. Bow down, stupid!Copy !req
1828. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1829. Anyone who isn't dead
or from another plane of existence...Copy !req
1830. would do well to cover their ears
right about now.Copy !req
1831. What the fuck?Copy !req
1832. Thank you.Copy !req
1833. It never ends!Copy !req
1834. Get off of me.
I wanna see what's up.Copy !req
1835. What the fuck is this shit?Copy !req
1836. Who the fuck are you, lady?Copy !req
1837. Why the fuck did you hug my head?Copy !req
1838. Quite a little mouth on him,
isn't there?Copy !req
1839. What the fuck is this, The Piano?
Why ain't this broad talking?Copy !req
1840. I believe the answers that you seek
lie within my companion's eyes.Copy !req
1841. What the fuck does that mean?
Has everyone gone fucking nuts?Copy !req
1842. What the fuck happened
to that guy's head? I want some-Copy !req
1843. Where was she?Copy !req
1844. Imprisoned in a body.Copy !req
1845. Bethany figured it all out.
She's a clever girl, that one.Copy !req
1846. Hang on a minute.Copy !req
1847. You missed a bit.Copy !req
1848. Well, then, you ready
to go back, apostle?Copy !req
1849. You ready to make those changes
I been talking about?Copy !req
1850. We'll see. Muse?Copy !req
1851. Seeing as how you
just had to get involved...Copy !req
1852. you're welcome
to return with us as well.Copy !req
1853. First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany.
Where is she?Copy !req
1854. Oh, no.Copy !req
1855. Metatron, is she-?Copy !req
1856. Afraid so.Copy !req
1857. One of the drawbacks to being
a martyr is that you have to die.Copy !req
1858. But no matter.Copy !req
1859. All is being taken care of.Copy !req
1860. How so?Copy !req
1861. Wax on, wax off.Copy !req
1862. How did I-?Copy !req
1863. She can rebuild you.Copy !req
1864. She has the technology.Copy !req
1865. She can make you better,
stronger, faster.Copy !req
1866. That's...Copy !req
1867. A very relieved deity.Copy !req
1868. You did well, little girl.
I knew you'd come around.Copy !req
1869. Your kind always does.Copy !req
1870. So you might wanna
take good care of yourself.Copy !req
1871. We're gonna need you
down the road.Copy !req
1872. I know. I'm the last scion.Copy !req
1873. Well, you're half right.Copy !req
1874. You were the last scion.Copy !req
1875. But now...Copy !req
1876. this...Copy !req
1877. is the last scion.Copy !req
1878. I'm pregnant?Copy !req
1879. Can't put anything past you.Copy !req
1880. Take care of that parcel for us.Copy !req
1881. She has a world of work
ahead of her.Copy !req
1882. Thank you for...Copy !req
1883. I don't know...Copy !req
1884. everything.Copy !req
1885. God, there's a million things
I wish I could ask you...Copy !req
1886. most of it questioning
your great plan...Copy !req
1887. and that'd be arrogant of me,
I know.Copy !req
1888. But there is one I need to ask.Copy !req
1889. I'm sure you get it all the time, but
how many chances like this will I get?Copy !req
1890. Why are we here?Copy !req
1891. Didn't I tell you she was funny?Copy !req
1892. I really enjoyed meeting you.Copy !req
1893. It was an honor.Copy !req
1894. You did so well.Copy !req
1895. I told you she was a woman.Copy !req
1896. She's not really a woman.Copy !req
1897. She's not really anything.Copy !req
1898. She's something, all right.Copy !req
1899. Crisis of faith over?Copy !req
1900. I think I'm now burdened
with an overabundance.Copy !req
1901. When it rains, it pours.Copy !req
1902. Are you saying you believe?Copy !req
1903. No. But I have a good idea.Copy !req
1904. Yes.Copy !req
1905. The man was right about you.Copy !req
1906. Now I'm gonna go home
and tell him so.Copy !req
1907. And if you clean up your language...Copy !req
1908. I just might put in
a good word for you too.Copy !req
1909. Thanks.Copy !req
1910. Why don't you name the kid
after me?Copy !req
1911. Rufus.Copy !req
1912. Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.Copy !req
1913. You guys wanna
hear something sick?Copy !req
1914. - I got half a stalk when she kissed me.
- Jay!Copy !req
1915. I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.Copy !req
1916. You can't talk to me that way anymore.
I'm gonna be somebody's mother.Copy !req
1917. You're pregnant?Copy !req
1918. Yo, I heard pregnant women can
have sex into their third trimester.Copy !req
1919. I'll keep that in mind.Copy !req
1920. So that would make Bethany
part black?Copy !req