1. Tired of the same old you?Copy !req
2. Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?Copy !req
3. Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?Copy !req
4. Yeah!Copy !req
5. Oh, hello.Copy !req
6. I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.Copy !req
7. I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.Copy !req
8. Hey, Rory. Looking good.Copy !req
9. At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,Copy !req
10. much like baldness or necrophilia,Copy !req
11. and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.Copy !req
12. That's where we come in.Copy !req
13. Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staffCopy !req
14. of personal alteration specialists.Copy !req
15. With our competitively priced
on site cosmetic surgery,Copy !req
16. we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morningCopy !req
17. into a Franken-fine!Copy !req
18. Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,Copy !req
19. but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better youCopy !req
20. than you could ever become without us.Copy !req
21. How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,Copy !req
22. I'm also a client.Copy !req
23. That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.Copy !req
24. That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.Copy !req
25. But don't just take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...Copy !req
26. That feels good.Copy !req
27. Oh, the tickle machine.Copy !req
28. Crash, no! Crash, out!Copy !req
29. Bad dog. No grundle.Copy !req
30. Come on down and join the winning team,Copy !req
31. because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.Copy !req
32. And we know it.Copy !req
33. Spare me.Copy !req
34. Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.Copy !req
35. We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.Copy !req
36. We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm todayCopy !req
37. due to an eight-month overdue account.Copy !req
38. Thank you and have a nice day.Copy !req
39. This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.Copy !req
40. "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5"
and "Mona Lisa Smile". Thank you.Copy !req
41. Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.Copy !req
42. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.Copy !req
43. We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.Copy !req
44. You guys are lifesavers.Copy !req
45. I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.Copy !req
46. Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?Copy !req
47. - Buenas dias, O.
- Hey, Peter.Copy !req
48. - How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.Copy !req
49. Don't hold out on me.
What's happening?Copy !req
50. It's just... I'm trying
this new voice-mail-dating thing.Copy !req
51. And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.Copy !req
52. There's someone out there for everybody.Copy !req
53. - You think?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
54. In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".Copy !req
55. See you later, dater.Copy !req
56. - Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.Copy !req
57. - I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.Copy !req
58. I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.Copy !req
59. - I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.Copy !req
60. - Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?Copy !req
61. Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8:Copy !req
62. - I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.Copy !req
63. I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?Copy !req
64. - OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Oi course, the OSQ.Copy !req
65. Started reading it in college, for the chicks.Copy !req
66. - I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.Copy !req
67. - Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.Copy !req
68. When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.Copy !req
69. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
70. - You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.Copy !req
71. OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?Copy !req
72. - You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.Copy !req
73. All that weight is dangerous.Copy !req
74. It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.Copy !req
75. Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?Copy !req
76. Yeah. Why?Copy !req
77. Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.Copy !req
78. Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.Copy !req
79. I'm the laughing stock of the school.Copy !req
80. I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?Copy !req
81. Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.Copy !req
82. - Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.Copy !req
83. Good luck... to you, making your judgments.Copy !req
84. And from the girls' line,
we need girl number...Copy !req
85. 00, Martha Johnstone!Copy !req
86. Whoa!Copy !req
87. Whoa!Copy !req
88. Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?Copy !req
89. I'm not wearing any panties.Copy !req
90. Ready? One, two...Copy !req
91. Liberty, ready?Copy !req
92. - Dude.
- Can he breathe?Copy !req
93. - Wow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
94. - It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.Copy !req
95. - It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.Copy !req
96. You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.Copy !req
97. Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.Copy !req
98. - Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.Copy !req
99. Oh.Copy !req
100. 'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.Copy !req
101. Steve be a touch short this month.Copy !req
102. That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.Copy !req
103. The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.Copy !req
104. In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.Copy !req
105. Once I find it, that be.Copy !req
106. I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.Copy !req
107. Thanks, Peter.Copy !req
108. - I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.Copy !req
109. - Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar!Copy !req
110. Hello.Copy !req
111. It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.Copy !req
112. I'm so sorry. Hi.Copy !req
113. I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.Copy !req
114. - Your bank?
- Right. My bank.Copy !req
115. - You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.Copy !req
116. Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?Copy !req
117. - Sexual harassment, mostly.
- Oh.Copy !req
118. But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.Copy !req
119. - This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.Copy !req
120. You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.Copy !req
121. - I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.Copy !req
122. No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?Copy !req
123. You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.Copy !req
124. Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?Copy !req
125. $50,000.Copy !req
126. Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?Copy !req
127. I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.Copy !req
128. Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.Copy !req
129. Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.Copy !req
130. It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.Copy !req
131. Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",Copy !req
132. but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.Copy !req
133. You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.Copy !req
134. You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.Copy !req
135. - Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.Copy !req
136. Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?Copy !req
137. Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.Copy !req
138. Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.Copy !req
139. - One more, bitch! One more, bitch!
- Aaargh! Whoo!Copy !req
140. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
141. - Now you're my bitch!
- Yeah!Copy !req
142. Yeah, baby!Copy !req
143. Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.Copy !req
144. Whoo!Copy !req
145. This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.Copy !req
146. Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.Copy !req
147. Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...Copy !req
148. - Oh! Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.Copy !req
149. - They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.Copy !req
150. Walk with me.Copy !req
151. Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.Copy !req
152. Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?Copy !req
153. Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.Copy !req
154. There's a good energy in the gym.Copy !req
155. Let me guess why you're here, Pete.Copy !req
156. Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.Copy !req
157. You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.Copy !req
158. I know we've had our differences...Copy !req
159. Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?Copy !req
160. It was one night.Copy !req
161. Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?Copy !req
162. - It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.Copy !req
163. Let's not get hung up on details.Copy !req
164. - We're both professionals.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
165. Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.Copy !req
166. My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.Copy !req
167. I have shareholders.
You haven't even got... cupholders.Copy !req
168. - Why would I want cupholders?
- The point isCopy !req
169. Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.Copy !req
170. A benchmark in the fitness community.Copy !req
171. Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.Copy !req
172. See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favors.Copy !req
173. I earned this body
and I built this templeCopy !req
174. out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.Copy !req
175. And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.Copy !req
176. So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.Copy !req
177. There's nothing you can do about it.Copy !req
178. In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.Copy !req
179. I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,Copy !req
180. are inside it when I do.Copy !req
181. Show Mr La Fleur out.Copy !req
182. Turn it up high, Reggie.Copy !req
183. I wanna burn.Copy !req
184. So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.Copy !req
185. I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.Copy !req
186. No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.Copy !req
187. Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -Copy !req
188. but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?Copy !req
189. Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.Copy !req
190. It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.Copy !req
191. - How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.Copy !req
192. Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...Copy !req
193. it doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.Copy !req
194. Gar.Copy !req
195. - It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on!Copy !req
196. We can't just sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.Copy !req
197. Average Joe's is too important.Copy !req
198. Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?Copy !req
199. - Average Joe's.
- Right.Copy !req
200. Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?Copy !req
201. - I ain't working at no airport again.
- No! Cos you hated it.Copy !req
202. And, Steve, where do you go to do...
whatever it is that you do?Copy !req
203. - Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar! You're right!Copy !req
204. Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.Copy !req
205. They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.Copy !req
206. But not here, not at Joe's.Copy !req
207. I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on!Copy !req
208. I got it. I know how we can raise the money.Copy !req
209. - How?
- Car wash!Copy !req
210. Ha ha ha!Copy !req
211. What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?Copy !req
212. The girls beat us fair and square.Copy !req
213. I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.Copy !req
214. Guys! Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've hadCopy !req
215. is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.Copy !req
216. That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.Copy !req
217. - That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.Copy !req
218. MamCopy !req
219. Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.Copy !req
220. At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.Copy !req
221. Sign up now.Copy !req
222. Do you smell that fitness? I do.Copy !req
223. Rock it and shock it, baby.Copy !req
224. You gotta burn it to earn it!Copy !req
225. - What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.Copy !req
226. - Cool.
- It's a joke. He sent it to us as an insult.Copy !req
227. Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.Copy !req
228. - We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.Copy !req
229. - We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.Copy !req
230. Guys, I know this is tough to take,Copy !req
231. but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,Copy !req
232. I guess it just isn't in the cards.Copy !req
233. Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,Copy !req
234. short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.Copy !req
235. - We could sell blood and semen.
- Gar.Copy !req
236. What? Not mixed together.Copy !req
237. Guys, I love the enthusiasm,Copy !req
238. I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.Copy !req
239. Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.Copy !req
240. We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.Copy !req
241. Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.Copy !req
242. We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.Copy !req
243. I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.Copy !req
244. Wait, wait! Peter! Peter!Copy !req
245. We could play dodgeball.Copy !req
246. That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.Copy !req
247. There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.Copy !req
248. I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball OpenCopy !req
249. every year 'm Obscure Sports Quarterly.Copy !req
250. Of course. That's a totally common thing.Copy !req
251. The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.Copy !req
252. - How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.Copy !req
253. - How much?
- $50,000.Copy !req
254. Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.Copy !req
255. - Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.Copy !req
256. I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.Copy !req
257. - Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.Copy !req
258. Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?Copy !req
259. You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.Copy !req
260. Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?Copy !req
261. Come on.Copy !req
262. Come on, Pete.Copy !req
263. You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.Copy !req
264. You want it, don't you, fat boy?Copy !req
265. You want that doughnut.Copy !req
266. Go ahead and have a bite.Copy !req
267. Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.Copy !req
268. Oh, momma.Copy !req
269. - Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.Copy !req
270. Yes, sir.Copy !req
271. Thank you.Copy !req
272. Oh, hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.Copy !req
273. - You asked me to come over.
- Did I?Copy !req
274. Are you... reading the dictionary?Copy !req
275. You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.Copy !req
276. So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?Copy !req
277. So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.Copy !req
278. - That is a really interesting painting.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
279. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.Copy !req
280. It's a metaphor.Copy !req
281. - I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.Copy !req
282. Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.Copy !req
283. So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.Copy !req
284. - I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.Copy !req
285. I'm White, you know.Copy !req
286. W-h-I-t.Copy !req
287. E-Copy !req
288. Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.Copy !req
289. They just assigned me to your account.Copy !req
290. Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso facto, I'm your boss.Copy !req
291. Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.Copy !req
292. There's no reason we need to be shackledCopy !req
293. by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.Copy !req
294. Unless you're into that sort of thing.Copy !req
295. In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.Copy !req
296. I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.Copy !req
297. I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.Copy !req
298. In fact, I actually prefer it over there.Copy !req
299. Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?Copy !req
300. They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.Copy !req
301. Peome?Copy !req
302. "People, just like you and me."
Oh, man!Copy !req
303. That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".Copy !req
304. That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.Copy !req
305. We should mate.Copy !req
306. - What?
- Date.Copy !req
307. We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.Copy !req
308. - Are you OK?
- I'm fine. I just, uh,Copy !req
309. threw up in my mouth a little bit.Copy !req
310. In some cultures, they only eat vomit.Copy !req
311. I never been there
but I read about it... in a book.Copy !req
312. I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.Copy !req
313. I get it.Copy !req
314. Don't crap where you eat. I understand.Copy !req
315. Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.Copy !req
316. Oh! And, Katherine.Copy !req
317. Make sure my acquisition
of that gym goes smoothly.Copy !req
318. They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.Copy !req
319. Uber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.Copy !req
320. Hey, there, Timmy!Copy !req
321. Holy mackerel, mister!
You scared the jeepers out of me.Copy !req
322. How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,Copy !req
323. and learn about dodgeball?Copy !req
324. Boy, would I!Copy !req
325. Wow!Copy !req
326. - Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.Copy !req
327. This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,Copy !req
328. by opium-addicted Chinamen.Copy !req
329. Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each otherCopy !req
330. instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.Copy !req
331. ADAA?Copy !req
332. That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.Copy !req
333. Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.Copy !req
334. The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.Copy !req
335. Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.Copy !req
336. Wow! I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.Copy !req
337. Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
338. Hang on a second there, sport.Copy !req
339. - Patches O'Houlihan!
- That's right, Timmy.Copy !req
340. Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.Copy !req
341. - Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.Copy !req
342. If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,Copy !req
343. the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.Copy !req
344. Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.Copy !req
345. - It's a two-player swing.
- Gee! Thanks, Patches.Copy !req
346. I can't wait to start my own team at school.Copy !req
347. Attaboy, Tiger.Copy !req
348. But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.Copy !req
349. So, when you're picking players in gym class,Copy !req
350. remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.Copy !req
351. That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.Copy !req
352. Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.Copy !req
353. Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.Copy !req
354. Dodge, duck, dip, dive and...Copy !req
355. dodge.Copy !req
356. Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,Copy !req
357. saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you."Copy !req
358. OK, guys. Any questions? Great.Copy !req
359. I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec center.Copy !req
360. But we haven't even practiced yet.Copy !req
361. We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.Copy !req
362. Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.Copy !req
363. If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.Copy !req
364. Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.Copy !req
365. OK, I think everybody knows...Copy !req
366. - Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.Copy !req
367. A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.Copy !req
368. - Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closetCopy !req
369. of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.Copy !req
370. Hard to believe I only got a semester
of junior college under my belt.Copy !req
371. Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?Copy !req
372. I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?Copy !req
373. I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.Copy !req
374. But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.Copy !req
375. I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.Copy !req
376. I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.Copy !req
377. Sad? You wanna know what's sad?Copy !req
378. Six grown men playing dodgeball.Copy !req
379. Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.Copy !req
380. I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.Copy !req
381. Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.Copy !req
382. Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...Copy !req
383. Dodgeball, eh?Copy !req
384. If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,Copy !req
385. he's in for quite a surprise.Copy !req
386. - Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.Copy !req
387. - Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.Copy !req
388. - Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?Copy !req
389. - Right over there.
- GreatCopy !req
390. She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.Copy !req
391. - Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.Copy !req
392. I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.Copy !req
393. - How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.Copy !req
394. Hey, honey.Copy !req
395. I for love. Good times.Copy !req
396. I for love? That doesn't mean love...Copy !req
397. People have different translations for things.Copy !req
398. That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.Copy !req
399. - How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.Copy !req
400. If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?Copy !req
401. - Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.Copy !req
402. - Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.Copy !req
403. - Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?Copy !req
404. Not quite.Copy !req
405. Bollocks.Copy !req
406. Troop 417, ready!Copy !req
407. Average Joe's, ready!Copy !req
408. Set! Dodgeball!Copy !req
409. I'm gonna send you to hell!Copy !req
410. "I amCopy !req
411. - I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?Copy !req
412. I am so sorry. Are you OK?Copy !req
413. Winner - Troop 417.Copy !req
414. In your face.Copy !req
415. You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.Copy !req
416. And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...Copy !req
417. I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.Copy !req
418. Unfortunately for Troop 417,Copy !req
419. during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,Copy !req
420. one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,Copy !req
421. and a low-grade beaver tranquillizer.Copy !req
422. I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.Copy !req
423. Goddamn you, Bernice! Grr!Copy !req
424. By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year'sCopy !req
425. Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to beCopy !req
426. Average Joe's Gym.Copy !req
427. You lied!Copy !req
428. All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.Copy !req
429. I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.Copy !req
430. Kate, if you wanna join the team,
all you have to do is ask.Copy !req
431. Thank you, Peter. I don't.Copy !req
432. It is obvious that you dig me.Copy !req
433. - You're hooked on La Fleur.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
434. I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.Copy !req
435. I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...Copy !req
436. What? I'm not completely what?Copy !req
437. Pathetic.Copy !req
438. Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.Copy !req
439. - Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
440. Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialize.Copy !req
441. - You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?Copy !req
442. I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualificationCopy !req
443. and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.Copy !req
444. My team.Copy !req
445. Allow me the pleasure of introducing you toCopy !req
446. Blade.Copy !req
447. Laser.Copy !req
448. Blazer.Copy !req
449. I believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.Copy !req
450. - We met.
- Oh, and I almost forgot our last player.Copy !req
451. Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.Copy !req
452. In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.Copy !req
453. Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,Copy !req
454. which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.Copy !req
455. Ball me, Blazer.Copy !req
456. - Show them, Fran.
- Yaagh!Copy !req
457. That's just her change-up.Copy !req
458. End of demo.Copy !req
459. We are the Globo Gym Purple CobrasCopy !req
460. and we will, we will rock you.Copy !req
461. Sana.Copy !req
462. I think that guy might really be dead.Copy !req
463. Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?Copy !req
464. You didn't win a regional qualifying match.Copy !req
465. Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.Copy !req
466. Oh, yeah. Now I remember.Copy !req
467. The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.Copy !req
468. I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.Copy !req
469. So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.Copy !req
470. White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.Copy !req
471. There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.Copy !req
472. Team?Copy !req
473. What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.Copy !req
474. Ahoy!Copy !req
475. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
476. First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.Copy !req
477. Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.Copy !req
478. - It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr...Copy !req
479. Jokey... Joke-maker.Copy !req
480. But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.Copy !req
481. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.Copy !req
482. Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.Copy !req
483. - Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.Copy !req
484. - I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.Copy !req
485. - I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.Copy !req
486. - That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.Copy !req
487. Touché.Copy !req
488. We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.Copy !req
489. Oh, and, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.Copy !req
490. Gar!Copy !req
491. Are you all right? You OK?Copy !req
492. Let's bounce. Cobras.Copy !req
493. Gar!Copy !req
494. OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?Copy !req
495. Hey, you.Copy !req
496. That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.Copy !req
497. You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunchesCopy !req
498. and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.Copy !req
499. OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.Copy !req
500. I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.Copy !req
501. The name's Patches O'Houlihan.Copy !req
502. I'm your new coach.Copy !req
503. Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?Copy !req
504. - Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?Copy !req
505. I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.Copy !req
506. A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?Copy !req
507. No. No, he's totally normal.Copy !req
508. I love the smell of queef in the morning.Copy !req
509. I mean normal for us.Copy !req
510. Line up, ladies.Copy !req
511. - What does he mean, line up?
- Now!Copy !req
512. If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,Copy !req
513. then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:Copy !req
514. dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.Copy !req
515. If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.Copy !req
516. - Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...Copy !req
517. Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...Copy !req
518. That's what this sack of wrenches is for.Copy !req
519. If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.Copy !req
520. What?Copy !req
521. Any other questions?Copy !req
522. Oh, my God.Copy !req
523. Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?Copy !req
524. Necessary?Copy !req
525. - Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.Copy !req
526. No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.Copy !req
527. OK.Copy !req
528. If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.Copy !req
529. Here, put that on.Copy !req
530. All right, ladies, buckle up.Copy !req
531. It's showtime!Copy !req
532. Dodge, duck, dip. Dive!Copy !req
533. Dodge!Copy !req
534. Dive!Copy !req
535. Dip! Dive! Dodge!Copy !req
536. I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.Copy !req
537. Come on! I get better runs in my shorts.Copy !req
538. Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.Copy !req
539. That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.Copy !req
540. Let's go. A little hustle here.Copy !req
541. - Ooh!
- That's really good, Peter.Copy !req
542. Come on! Only 19 miles to go.Copy !req
543. Ah-hah!Copy !req
544. Attaboy!Copy !req
545. Next man!Copy !req
546. Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.Copy !req
547. Okay-delay.Copy !req
548. If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.Copy !req
549. You got it, Gord.Copy !req
550. Oooh! Gar!Copy !req
551. - I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.Copy !req
552. - Ow, man!
- Wake up, Smithy.Copy !req
553. Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavored lollipop.Copy !req
554. Quick feet, fast hands.Copy !req
555. Catch it and throw.Copy !req
556. Pick up the pace! What a bunch of females!Copy !req
557. Jesus! Gimme that.Copy !req
558. You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.Copy !req
559. Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry!Copy !req
560. You gotta get mean!
That's the only way you can play.Copy !req
561. I guess I'm not really an angry person.Copy !req
562. Oh!Copy !req
563. Are you angry now?Copy !req
564. - Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here!Copy !req
565. Little help?Copy !req
566. Agh!Copy !req
567. What? Eight years of softball.Copy !req
568. - Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.Copy !req
569. All I know is that dyke can play.Copy !req
570. Come on, come on.Copy !req
571. - Please!
- We need you. You're really good.Copy !req
572. Owen'll be team manager if you play.Copy !req
573. - I will?
- Shut up.Copy !req
574. Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...Copy !req
575. All the more reason for you to join us!Copy !req
576. Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.Copy !req
577. Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.Copy !req
578. Suit yourself.Copy !req
579. All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.Copy !req
580. We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.Copy !req
581. We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.Copy !req
582. Oh, boy, is my mouth watering.Copy !req
583. You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,Copy !req
584. then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.Copy !req
585. Sir, I need you to take a look at...
Whoa!Copy !req
586. No! What...Copy !req
587. What...
What have I said about knocking? Hm?Copy !req
588. - Always knock.
- Whoa. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
589. What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?Copy !req
590. These.Copy !req
591. - They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.Copy !req
592. I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.Copy !req
593. What about the girl? She can throw.Copy !req
594. I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.Copy !req
595. But rest assured, Me'Shell.Copy !req
596. There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.Copy !req
597. S Apache, jump on it, jump on itCopy !req
598. - Who is it?
- It's White.Copy !req
599. - Surprise.
- White.Copy !req
600. Uh...Copy !req
601. What... What are you doing here?Copy !req
602. How do you know where I live?Copy !req
603. It's called the Freedom of Information Act.Copy !req
604. The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.Copy !req
605. Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.Copy !req
606. - What is it?
- You're fired.Copy !req
607. - I'm what?
- You're fired.Copy !req
608. I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.Copy !req
609. They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.Copy !req
610. Why would you do that?Copy !req
611. I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.Copy !req
612. - You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.Copy !req
613. You are a crazy little man.Copy !req
614. I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.Copy !req
615. Oh, yeah. Nausea.Copy !req
616. If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.Copy !req
617. Ooh-hoo!Copy !req
618. You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.Copy !req
619. I can be naughty, too.Copy !req
620. Real, freakin' naughty.Copy !req
621. - You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?Copy !req
622. This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.Copy !req
623. Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.Copy !req
624. But, uh, I believe she asked you to leave.Copy !req
625. I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.Copy !req
626. Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,Copy !req
627. cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.Copy !req
628. All mine.Copy !req
629. To be continued... Agh! Ow.Copy !req
630. You don't get to touch me, ever.Copy !req
631. OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.Copy !req
632. Get off me!
Don't you touch me!Copy !req
633. It is over between us, Kate.Copy !req
634. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody!Copy !req
635. - At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.Copy !req
636. - Do I smell cookies?
- Hey!Copy !req
637. Dear Barbara!Copy !req
638. - I like unicorns.
- Wow.Copy !req
639. I know you said no to joining the team,Copy !req
640. but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.Copy !req
641. - Peter...
- Before you answer,Copy !req
642. you should know you'd have
your own changing room.Copy !req
643. - Really?
- Sort of.Copy !req
644. - Mmm.
- Oh, and... there's also this.Copy !req
645. - Oh! OK, what's this?
- I overdid.Copy !req
646. Look at you. Two expired movie passesCopy !req
647. and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.Copy !req
648. - Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?Copy !req
649. I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.Copy !req
650. I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.Copy !req
651. - You're in?
- I'm in.Copy !req
652. Las Vegas! A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.Copy !req
653. A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.Copy !req
654. A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,Copy !req
655. World Series and World War ll combined!Copy !req
656. Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball OpenCopy !req
657. here on ESPN8 - the "0cho" -Copy !req
658. bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.Copy !req
659. If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.Copy !req
660. Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball OpenCopy !req
661. brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".Copy !req
662. We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.Copy !req
663. My name is Cotton McKnightCopy !req
664. and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.Copy !req
665. Yeah. Cotton, hey.Copy !req
666. Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,Copy !req
667. the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.Copy !req
668. Cotton!Copy !req
669. There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.Copy !req
670. Immortality - five simple victories away.Copy !req
671. They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -Copy !req
672. to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.Copy !req
673. - Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?Copy !req
674. Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.Copy !req
675. So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.Copy !req
676. All right! Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.Copy !req
677. I hope everything fits.Copy !req
678. - Wait.
- Nice.Copy !req
679. This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.Copy !req
680. - What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.Copy !req
681. - What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.Copy !req
682. - We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.Copy !req
683. ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.Copy !req
684. I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?Copy !req
685. Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.Copy !req
686. Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.Copy !req
687. Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.Copy !req
688. I don't see any movement. Let's go.Copy !req
689. How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?Copy !req
690. - That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.Copy !req
691. Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.Copy !req
692. The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.Copy !req
693. Appeasement be damned.Copy !req
694. Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,Copy !req
695. a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.Copy !req
696. Oh, my sweet Jesus.Copy !req
697. That's rad.Copy !req
698. Hey, asshole, you guys suck!Copy !req
699. Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.Copy !req
700. Hi. We're all here and, um,Copy !req
701. we are ready to play.Copy !req
702. - OK.
- OK.Copy !req
703. We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.Copy !req
704. I feel like
I'm watching a Cher video.Copy !req
705. - Average Joe's, ready.
- Gar!Copy !req
706. - Blitzkrieg, ready.
- Right.Copy !req
707. Dodgeball!Copy !req
708. And we're under way! Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.Copy !req
709. Of course, S&M gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,Copy !req
710. - from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.Copy !req
711. Leather and latex belong in
the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court.Copy !req
712. Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge!Copy !req
713. Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.Copy !req
714. Gar!Copy !req
715. This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.Copy !req
716. Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.Copy !req
717. Woo-hoo! The Average Joe's
catches a break there.Copy !req
718. The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defense.Copy !req
719. Good toss
by the submissive out there!Copy !req
720. Just two players left for Joe...
Oohh, check that. Make it one.Copy !req
721. Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.Copy !req
722. It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.Copy !req
723. Oh, what a throw!Copy !req
724. Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.Copy !req
725. Yes!Copy !req
726. - Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there! Give it to 'em.Copy !req
727. Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.Copy !req
728. How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.Copy !req
729. - Great deflection.
- Take it to him!Copy !req
730. - He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.Copy !req
731. Winner! Average Joe's.Copy !req
732. My sweet dick, it's magic.Copy !req
733. Hey, all right!Copy !req
734. Oh, my. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.Copy !req
735. I feel shocked.Copy !req
736. Gar!Copy !req
737. Losers.Copy !req
738. You must be Daddy.Copy !req
739. Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's roundCopy !req
740. where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,Copy !req
741. and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.Copy !req
742. Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.Copy !req
743. - What the hell!
- That guy's a dickhead.Copy !req
744. You wanted to see me, Patches?Copy !req
745. You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.Copy !req
746. Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.Copy !req
747. - Kate's not a muff-diver.
- Ah, no.Copy !req
748. Hey. That's for you.Copy !req
749. - I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.Copy !req
750. You earned it.Copy !req
751. I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.Copy !req
752. No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.Copy !req
753. Suit yourself, queer.Copy !req
754. - Sorry.
- Justin?Copy !req
755. Amber!
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?Copy !req
756. - The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.Copy !req
757. - We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.Copy !req
758. These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.Copy !req
759. This is Amber.Copy !req
760. Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.Copy !req
761. - Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.Copy !req
762. - It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look... healthy... good.Copy !req
763. What?Copy !req
764. Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.Copy !req
765. He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.Copy !req
766. - Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.Copy !req
767. My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.Copy !req
768. Thanks, man.Copy !req
769. Let's huddle up here!
We've got some work to do.Copy !req
770. We got lucky in the first round.Copy !req
771. We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,Copy !req
772. so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.Copy !req
773. Blockers in the center, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?Copy !req
774. It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there!Copy !req
775. Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.Copy !req
776. Hands 'm.Copy !req
777. One, two, three, Joe's!Copy !req
778. - Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.Copy !req
779. - Lumberjacks, ready?
- Grr!Copy !req
780. Dodgeball.Copy !req
781. Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.Copy !req
782. These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.Copy !req
783. They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.Copy !req
784. - Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.Copy !req
785. - Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes!Copy !req
786. Gar!Copy !req
787. There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.Copy !req
788. Oooh! Timber!Copy !req
789. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.Copy !req
790. Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.Copy !req
791. Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.Copy !req
792. I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.Copy !req
793. Peekaboo!Copy !req
794. White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,Copy !req
795. tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.Copy !req
796. Ooohh!Copy !req
797. Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak!Copy !req
798. A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.Copy !req
799. It's gotta be the hair.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
800. Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.Copy !req
801. Globo Gym says,
"Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",Copy !req
802. and breezes into the semifinals.Copy !req
803. Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball!Copy !req
804. Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,Copy !req
805. the inner-city champs for five years straight.Copy !req
806. Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.Copy !req
807. They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.Copy !req
808. Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.Copy !req
809. Winner! Average Joe's!Copy !req
810. And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.Copy !req
811. Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.Copy !req
812. Oh! That's gotta hurt.Copy !req
813. B-b-b-bull's-eye!Copy !req
814. Winner! Globo Gym!Copy !req
815. Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,Copy !req
816. and they're going to the finals.Copy !req
817. The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.Copy !req
818. It just doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.Copy !req
819. Oh! Right in the testicles!Copy !req
820. Ouch-Town. You, bro.Copy !req
821. Average Joe's
down to their final two players.Copy !req
822. La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.Copy !req
823. - Time out! Gordy!
- Time out! Time out!Copy !req
824. Time! Time is out!Copy !req
825. It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,Copy !req
826. turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.Copy !req
827. I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.Copy !req
828. You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.Copy !req
829. - Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.Copy !req
830. - Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.Copy !req
831. - One, two, three.
- Joe's!Copy !req
832. You gotta get angry.
Get angry now!Copy !req
833. Gordon Pibb, alone, facing
five Cougars. It's all over but the crying.Copy !req
834. Sayonara, an! Wlodonohen and goodbye.Copy !req
835. - Dodgeball!
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.Copy !req
836. Good deflection there.Copy !req
837. Hang on. And another one.Copy !req
838. Three balls at once! Who knew?Copy !req
839. Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.Copy !req
840. That's W.Copy !req
841. - You're kidding me!
- He's callin' 'em out!Copy !req
842. Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?Copy !req
843. - Go, you crazy son of a bitch! Go!
- He's on the warpath!Copy !req
844. Incredible! It's one on one.Copy !req
845. - I can't believe it!
- It's just not believable, Cotton.Copy !req
846. Winner!Copy !req
847. Average Joe's wins!Copy !req
848. They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.Copy !req
849. - That'll buy one heck of a blumpken.
- Right you are, Pep.Copy !req
850. I never would have dreamed it possible.Copy !req
851. But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,Copy !req
852. I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.Copy !req
853. Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.Copy !req
854. Yeah!Copy !req
855. - You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.Copy !req
856. Oh, my God.Copy !req
857. Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.Copy !req
858. - What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?Copy !req
859. We're gonna get our taints handed to us.Copy !req
860. - What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.Copy !req
861. Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.Copy !req
862. Yeah.Copy !req
863. They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.Copy !req
864. I'll be right back.Copy !req
865. GDénde esté la biblioteca, Pedro?Copy !req
866. What?Copy !req
867. We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.Copy !req
868. Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.Copy !req
869. Will you shut that?Copy !req
870. For all of us, baby.Copy !req
871. So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.Copy !req
872. Period.Copy !req
873. End o'story.Copy !req
874. You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.Copy !req
875. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.Copy !req
876. Look, Peter, I know what it's like.Copy !req
877. Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.Copy !req
878. We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.Copy !req
879. I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.Copy !req
880. "You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside." It works.Copy !req
881. And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.Copy !req
882. You're their Fonzie, Pete.Copy !req
883. "Hey-"Copy !req
884. But do you really think it's fair for them to put
all that pressure on you? All the time? Hm?Copy !req
885. Looking to you to solve their every problem?Copy !req
886. I mean, come on.Copy !req
887. I know you. You know you.Copy !req
888. And I know you know that I know you.Copy !req
889. You're heading for a fall, Pete.Copy !req
890. Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.Copy !req
891. And when it does, they're gonna blame you.Copy !req
892. I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.Copy !req
893. But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.Copy !req
894. Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.Copy !req
895. Take the money.Copy !req
896. Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.Copy !req
897. Just sign the contract.Copy !req
898. Come on, guys. We got Peter.Copy !req
899. And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.Copy !req
900. Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.Copy !req
901. Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.Copy !req
902. - Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.Copy !req
903. - Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.Copy !req
904. - What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.Copy !req
905. - But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.Copy !req
906. What's the plan?Copy !req
907. What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.Copy !req
908. We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.Copy !req
909. It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.Copy !req
910. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
911. He didn't mean that.Copy !req
912. - Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.Copy !req
913. I've never seen him like that.Copy !req
914. Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...Copy !req
915. You are not a pirate.Copy !req
916. OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?Copy !req
917. Dwight, uh...Copy !req
918. I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...Copy !req
919. in the bathroom.Copy !req
920. Whatever you do, wash your hands.Copy !req
921. Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...Copy !req
922. You are the one who stares at me.Copy !req
923. Why is this?Copy !req
924. Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
925. Watch it, freak.Copy !req
926. Go back to Treasure Island!Copy !req
927. Fag!Copy !req
928. Screw you!Copy !req
929. Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship matchCopy !req
930. here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".Copy !req
931. We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.Copy !req
932. And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.Copy !req
933. Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snackCopy !req
934. into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,Copy !req
935. and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.Copy !req
936. Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.Copy !req
937. A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.Copy !req
938. The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".Copy !req
939. Peter?Copy !req
940. Peter?Copy !req
941. Hello?Copy !req
942. Peter?Copy !req
943. Come on, everybody headed down...Copy !req
944. So what happens on a double fault?Copy !req
945. On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.Copy !req
946. - Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.Copy !req
947. Justin!Copy !req
948. - I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?Copy !req
949. Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.Copy !req
950. Oh, my God, that's awful.Copy !req
951. We were the center Kewpie. With no
center Kewpie we can't do our routine.Copy !req
952. - Oh, no. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.Copy !req
953. What?Copy !req
954. No, no, no, no, no. I... I can't.Copy !req
955. Oh, please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.Copy !req
956. - The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.Copy !req
957. - All right, I'll do it.
- Yes!Copy !req
958. - I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.Copy !req
959. - I gotta tell the guys.
- No time!Copy !req
960. Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.Copy !req
961. What do you think, Pep?Copy !req
962. I spoke to White Goodman before the matchCopy !req
963. and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.Copy !req
964. Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.Copy !req
965. So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.Copy !req
966. - I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.Copy !req
967. Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.Copy !req
968. We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.Copy !req
969. - OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.Copy !req
970. We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.Copy !req
971. Who's Steve the Pirate?Copy !req
972. The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.Copy !req
973. Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?Copy !req
974. And now, let's hear it for the West
Davenport High School Charging Donkeys!Copy !req
975. Donkeys! Whoo!Copy !req
976. Go, Donkeys!Copy !req
977. - We did it!
- Holy cow! My God!Copy !req
978. - Oh, it was perfect. You were perfect.
- Oh, God, I gotta go.Copy !req
979. Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?Copy !req
980. I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.Copy !req
981. Now I'm going.Copy !req
982. Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.Copy !req
983. We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.Copy !req
984. It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.Copy !req
985. They're definitely not on the court,
Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.Copy !req
986. We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...Copy !req
987. Can I get a bottle of water?Copy !req
988. Aren't you Peter La Fleur?Copy !req
989. - Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.Copy !req
990. - Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.Copy !req
991. I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.Copy !req
992. I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.Copy !req
993. - Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?Copy !req
994. Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.Copy !req
995. But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bikeCopy !req
996. and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.Copy !req
997. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.Copy !req
998. What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?Copy !req
999. Right now, it feels a little bit like... shame.Copy !req
1000. If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.Copy !req
1001. Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.Copy !req
1002. Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy!"Copy !req
1003. - No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.Copy !req
1004. We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?Copy !req
1005. There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.Copy !req
1006. Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.Copy !req
1007. - Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.Copy !req
1008. Excuse me.Copy !req
1009. Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
what just happened. Hey, guys.Copy !req
1010. You're just in time to help us forfeit.Copy !req
1011. Forfeit? Why?Copy !req
1012. Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...Copy !req
1013. Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough playersCopy !req
1014. and will be forfeiting
the championship match.Copy !req
1015. It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.Copy !req
1016. To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.Copy !req
1017. Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in meCopy !req
1018. by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,Copy !req
1019. and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,Copy !req
1020. it gives me great pleasureCopy !req
1021. to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...Copy !req
1022. Wait! He's here!Copy !req
1023. Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
1024. We're ready to play, Your Honor.Copy !req
1025. Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.Copy !req
1026. He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.Copy !req
1027. Facial, La Fleur! Total facial! Whoo!Copy !req
1028. Actually, that's not true.Copy !req
1029. The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.Copy !req
1030. He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.Copy !req
1031. - It's a bylaw!
- What's a bylaw?Copy !req
1032. - Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play!Copy !req
1033. We might just have a championship game yet.Copy !req
1034. Listen to this crowd.Copy !req
1035. Unbelievable!Copy !req
1036. Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.Copy !req
1037. And it looks like they've come to a decision.Copy !req
1038. Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.Copy !req
1039. - There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Oh, please.Copy !req
1040. - Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1041. Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.Copy !req
1042. Thumbs up! Average Joe's can play!Copy !req
1043. That is pure poppycock!
You're gonna let them do that?Copy !req
1044. - Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.Copy !req
1045. All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.Copy !req
1046. Good luck, White.Copy !req
1047. Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.Copy !req
1048. Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.Copy !req
1049. Whatever.Copy !req
1050. - Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.Copy !req
1051. What? I got a plan.Copy !req
1052. Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?Copy !req
1053. - "Aim low".
- That's right.Copy !req
1054. All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.Copy !req
1055. I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.Copy !req
1056. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?Copy !req
1057. - Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's!Copy !req
1058. Globo Gym, ready?Copy !req
1059. Average Joe's, ready?Copy !req
1060. Dodgeball!Copy !req
1061. Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.Copy !req
1062. Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.Copy !req
1063. White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...Copy !req
1064. - It's caught!
- That's a catch.Copy !req
1065. - You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.Copy !req
1066. And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.Copy !req
1067. Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.Copy !req
1068. Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome!Copy !req
1069. You're mine next time.Copy !req
1070. Oh! Right in the tokus!
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.Copy !req
1071. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
1072. - You're out!
- I don't know what that was,Copy !req
1073. but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.Copy !req
1074. Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.Copy !req
1075. Get out!Copy !req
1076. Gordo! Lose your temper! Get mad!Copy !req
1077. White Goodman with a catch! Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.Copy !req
1078. You're out, four-eyes.Copy !req
1079. Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.Copy !req
1080. Word, Cotton.Copy !req
1081. Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.Copy !req
1082. - Nice dodge.
- Stay alive! Stay alive!Copy !req
1083. They're just toying with the young man now.Copy !req
1084. He's gotta avoid getting hit.
That's the key.Copy !req
1085. Justin, let's go!Copy !req
1086. What a great catch!Copy !req
1087. And another!
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.Copy !req
1088. Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.Copy !req
1089. Justin!Copy !req
1090. I love you!Copy !req
1091. I love you t...Copy !req
1092. Joanie loves Chachi!Copy !req
1093. Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.Copy !req
1094. Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.Copy !req
1095. Look out! La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck!Copy !req
1096. How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.Copy !req
1097. As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.Copy !req
1098. Hey!Copy !req
1099. A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.Copy !req
1100. - That's court misconduct! That's a warning!
- Oh, come on! Gimme a break!Copy !req
1101. - You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
1102. - Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.Copy !req
1103. - It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.Copy !req
1104. We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.Copy !req
1105. Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.Copy !req
1106. Watch him, man.Copy !req
1107. - Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1108. Kick his ass.Copy !req
1109. - Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.Copy !req
1110. Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a ménage é trois of pain.Copy !req
1111. Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.Copy !req
1112. You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.Copy !req
1113. Ready? Dodgeball!Copy !req
1114. It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.Copy !req
1115. He gets the elimination!Copy !req
1116. Oh, my! Globo Gym wins!
A Cinderella story cast asunder!Copy !req
1117. Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.Copy !req
1118. They're not gonna
get anything, Cotton.Copy !req
1119. No elimination! Double fault!
You stepped over the line on the throw.Copy !req
1120. What? You gotta be out of your mind!
That is the worst call I've ever seen!Copy !req
1121. I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap!Copy !req
1122. Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death!Copy !req
1123. All right! Bring it!Copy !req
1124. I don't believe it, folks.
Sudden death.Copy !req
1125. Well, let me tell you,Copy !req
1126. a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,Copy !req
1127. and I think we all remember
how that turned out.Copy !req
1128. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.Copy !req
1129. Pepper needs new shorts!Copy !req
1130. White, Peter, this is sudden death.Copy !req
1131. Only striking an opposing player eliminates
him. Catching the ball does nothing.Copy !req
1132. Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.Copy !req
1133. You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?Copy !req
1134. OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.Copy !req
1135. This is it, La Loser.Copy !req
1136. You ready for the - whoo! - hurricane?Copy !req
1137. Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.Copy !req
1138. You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.Copy !req
1139. - Oh, White?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1140. - You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.Copy !req
1141. This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.Copy !req
1142. Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.Copy !req
1143. This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.Copy !req
1144. Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A!Copy !req
1145. Come on, talk to me.Copy !req
1146. Listen up, crotch stain.Copy !req
1147. Remember your training
and trust your instincts.Copy !req
1148. You can do it. I believe in you.Copy !req
1149. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1150. Right.Copy !req
1151. Players, turn and step in.Copy !req
1152. What the hell's he doing?Copy !req
1153. I don't know.Copy !req
1154. Get a load of this guy.Copy !req
1155. In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.Copy !req
1156. But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.Copy !req
1157. He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.Copy !req
1158. Ready?Copy !req
1159. Dodgeball!Copy !req
1160. Whoo-hooey!Copy !req
1161. Goodbye, Peter.Copy !req
1162. I always knew you were weak.Copy !req
1163. Air Goodman, comin' at ya!Copy !req
1164. No-o-o!Copy !req
1165. Down goes Goodman!
Down goes Goodman!Copy !req
1166. Winner! Average Joe's!Copy !req
1167. - Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
- Wow!Copy !req
1168. Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball worldCopy !req
1169. and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.Copy !req
1170. Unbelievable!Copy !req
1171. I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.Copy !req
1172. I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.Copy !req
1173. But never in all my years as a sportscasterCopy !req
1174. have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.Copy !req
1175. The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,Copy !req
1176. stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.Copy !req
1177. On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,Copy !req
1178. it is my honor to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.Copy !req
1179. What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.Copy !req
1180. You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.Copy !req
1181. Suck failure, freaks.Copy !req
1182. Peter, is that true?Copy !req
1183. Yeah, it's true.Copy !req
1184. It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.Copy !req
1185. It's true that every man has his price.Copy !req
1186. And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.Copy !req
1187. - Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.Copy !req
1188. Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.Copy !req
1189. - Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? W-what winnings?Copy !req
1190. Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,Copy !req
1191. and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.Copy !req
1192. Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?Copy !req
1193. $50,000?Copy !req
1194. $5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?Copy !req
1195. Surprise.Copy !req
1196. Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.Copy !req
1197. The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.Copy !req
1198. You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.Copy !req
1199. So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.Copy !req
1200. - Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.Copy !req
1201. Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.Copy !req
1202. So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,Copy !req
1203. which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym.Copy !req
1204. I'm your new boss, White.Copy !req
1205. You can't be my boss! Nobody can!
I'm my own boss! I created myself!Copy !req
1206. - You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me!Copy !req
1207. You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.Copy !req
1208. - Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur!Copy !req
1209. Give me that.Copy !req
1210. Man, the blindfold was crazy.Copy !req
1211. HEY 'Copy !req
1212. Peter.Copy !req
1213. Look. It's Steve the Pirate.Copy !req
1214. Wow.Copy !req
1215. I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and...Copy !req
1216. I guess you're right.Copy !req
1217. I'm not really a pirate.Copy !req
1218. I don't know, Steve.Copy !req
1219. If you're not a pirate,Copy !req
1220. who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?Copy !req
1221. Gar!Copy !req
1222. Peter...Copy !req
1223. Gar, Steve.Copy !req
1224. Ha hurlCopy !req
1225. We missed you!Copy !req
1226. Hey, you.Copy !req
1227. Hey, you.Copy !req
1228. - Joyce?
- Kate.Copy !req
1229. - I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.Copy !req
1230. You are amazing.Copy !req
1231. - I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.Copy !req
1232. Hey. I'm not a lesbian.Copy !req
1233. You're not?Copy !req
1234. No.Copy !req
1235. I'm bisexual.Copy !req
1236. Oh! Snap!Copy !req
1237. All right, everybody. Smile big.Copy !req
1238. Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.Copy !req
1239. I'm here to tell you
you're perfect just the way you are.Copy !req
1240. But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,Copy !req
1241. Joe's is the place for you.Copy !req
1242. Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.Copy !req
1243. So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?Copy !req
1244. Right!Copy !req
1245. Spare me.Copy !req
1246. I won that tournament.Copy !req
1247. Fucking Chuck Norris.Copy !req
1248. Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.Copy !req
1249. Good guy wins, bad guy loses.Copy !req
1250. Big friggin' surprise.Copy !req
1251. I love happy endings.Copy !req
1252. You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.Copy !req
1253. Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?Copy !req
1254. "Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained."Copy !req
1255. All right, fine.Copy !req
1256. You want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?Copy !req
1257. Check these boots out for size.Copy !req
1258. You happy? Fatty make a funny?Copy !req