1. Tired of the same old you?Copy !req
2. Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?Copy !req
3. Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?Copy !req
4. Yeah! Oh. Hello!Copy !req
5. I'm White Goodman...Copy !req
6. owner, operator and founder
of Globo Gym America Corp...Copy !req
7. and I'm here to tell ya that you don't
have to be stuck with what ya got.Copy !req
8. Hey, Rory. Looking good.Copy !req
9. Here at Globo Gym,
we understand that...Copy !req
10. "ugliness" and "fatness"
are genetic disorders...Copy !req
11. much like baldness
or necrophilia...Copy !req
12. and it's only your fault if you don't
hate yourself enough to do something about it.Copy !req
13. And that's where we come in.Copy !req
14. Globo Gym employs
a highly-trained...Copy !req
15. quasi-cultural staff of
personal alteration specialists.Copy !req
16. And with our competitively-priced
on-site cosmetic surgery...Copy !req
17. we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning...Copy !req
18. into a Franken-fine!Copy !req
19. Of course, you'll still be you
in a legal sense...Copy !req
20. but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you...Copy !req
21. than you could ever become
without us.Copy !req
22. How do I know? Well, I'm not only
the founder of Globo Gym.Copy !req
23. I'm also a client.Copy !req
24. That's me six years
and 600 pounds ago...Copy !req
25. before I knew
how much I hated myself.Copy !req
26. That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.Copy !req
27. But don't just take
my word for it.Copy !req
28. Listen to these Globo Gymers
tell you how it is.Copy !req
29. Mmm.Copy !req
30. That feels good.Copy !req
31. Oh, that tickle machine.Copy !req
32. Crash, no!
Crash, out! Bad dog!Copy !req
33. No grundle.Copy !req
34. Come on down and join the winning team.Copy !req
35. Because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you...Copy !req
36. and we know it!Copy !req
37. Spare me.Copy !req
38. Mr. La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.Copy !req
39. We've been trying to reach you for some
time now, but your phone was disconnected.Copy !req
40. I'm calling to inform you that we'll be
shutting off your water and power...Copy !req
41. at 5:00 p.m. today due to
an eight-month-overdue account.Copy !req
42. Thank you, and have a nice day.Copy !req
43. This is Seth from Videorama.Copy !req
44. The following DVDs
are now overdue:Copy !req
45. Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile.Copy !req
46. Thank you.Copy !req
47. Come on, baby. Be there. Be there.Copy !req
48. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.Copy !req
49. We're just around the corner.
My gym's right here.Copy !req
50. I promise.
We're almost there.Copy !req
51. Here we go.Copy !req
52. You guys are lifesavers.
I appreciate the effort.Copy !req
53. Don't pull a hammy over it.
Perfect.Copy !req
54. Give me that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on the treadmill?Copy !req
55. - Buenas días, O.
- Hey, Peter.Copy !req
56. - How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.Copy !req
57. Don't hold out on me.
What's happening?Copy !req
58. Well, it's just...Copy !req
59. - I'm trying this new voice mail
dating thing, you know.
- Right.Copy !req
60. And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.Copy !req
61. Well, keep your chin up.
There's someone out there for everybody.Copy !req
62. - You think?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
63. You know, in some cases, there's two
somebodies for one person.Copy !req
64. I like to call that the jackpot.
See ya later, dater.Copy !req
65. - Hey, Peter!
- Hey, Gordon.Copy !req
66. Hey, buddy. I'm really wailin'
on my glutes this morning.Copy !req
67. - Sounds great, Gord.
- Yeah, I'm gonna shock the biceps later.Copy !req
68. Finish up with some cardio. You know,
change it up, keep the body guessing.Copy !req
69. - That's always been my approach.
I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. That's right.Copy !req
70. Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
You catch the game last night?Copy !req
71. - Can I say yes to you?
- Amateur Curling Championships on ESPN 8.Copy !req
72. - I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.Copy !req
73. I feel dumb for asking this, but how
do you hear about these things?Copy !req
74. - O.S.Q. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the O.S.Q.Copy !req
75. - Started reading it in college,
you know, for the chicks.
- Glad that worked out for you.Copy !req
76. - Thanks very much. Bye-bye.
- My pleasure.Copy !req
77. - Love the orange and love the headphones.
- Thank you very much, Pete.Copy !req
78. - When I come back, I wanna
see you on a different machine.
- You got it, buddy!Copy !req
79. Get this— Ow! Ow!Copy !req
80. - You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete. Hey.Copy !req
81. Okay, come on.
Let's get this out of here.Copy !req
82. You okay? You're like a human
Chinese puzzle.Copy !req
83. - Here. And we're not gonna get hurt.
- Thanks, Pete.Copy !req
84. What are you doin' with all
that weight anyway? It's dangerous.Copy !req
85. It'll be worth it when I
make the cheerleading squad this time...Copy !req
86. prove to Amber and everyone else
that I'm not a loser.Copy !req
87. Okay, hang on a second.
You wanna become a cheerleader...Copy !req
88. to prove to a girl that
you are not a loser?Copy !req
89. Yeah. What?Copy !req
90. Nothing. Just high school's changed
a little bit since I was a kid.Copy !req
91. Plus, all anyone
ever remembers...Copy !req
92. is what happened
at last year's tryouts.Copy !req
93. I'm the laughingstock
of the school.Copy !req
94. I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?Copy !req
95. Justin Redman,
ready and super-psyched!Copy !req
96. - Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.Copy !req
97. Uh, good luck to you
making, uh, your judgments.Copy !req
98. And from the girls' line,
we need girl number...Copy !req
99. double zero,
Martha Johnstone.Copy !req
100. - Whoo!
- Aah!Copy !req
101. Whoo!Copy !req
102. Whoo!Copy !req
103. Toss to hands,
liberty and cradle out, okay?Copy !req
104. I'm not wearing
any panties.Copy !req
105. Ready?
One, two.Copy !req
106. Liberty, ready?Copy !req
107. Dude!Copy !req
108. - Wow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
109. - It was the worst.
- Look, Justin.Copy !req
110. Don't worry so much about this Amber situation.
It'll all work itself out in the end.Copy !req
111. - Thanks, Pete.
- You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.Copy !req
112. Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.Copy !req
113. Ow!Copy !req
114. - Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter. It's Peter.Copy !req
115. - Oi, Peter.
- Yeah.Copy !req
116. Oh!Copy !req
117. 'Tis about the matter
of payment for me membership.Copy !req
118. Steve be a touch short
this month.Copy !req
119. That's all right, Steve.
Just pay me when you get the money.Copy !req
120. The dread pirate Steve
be in no man's debt.Copy !req
121. I'll make a barter with you
true as the North Star.Copy !req
122. - Right.
- In exchange for your kindness...Copy !req
123. I'll be splittin'
me buried treasure with you.Copy !req
124. Once I find it, that be.Copy !req
125. That's not gonna be necessary.
I'm flattered by the gesture...Copy !req
126. but honestly just, you know, a couple bucks
here and there, I think we'll be fine.Copy !req
127. - Thanks, Peter. I'll be on the StairMaster.
- Okay, Steve.Copy !req
128. Next time, maybe just
say hello, that's all.Copy !req
129. Okay.Copy !req
130. - Hello.
- Oh.Copy !req
131. It's actually not my birthday
till next month, but terrific.Copy !req
132. I'm so sorry. Hi. I'm Katherine Veatch
with Hawthorne Stone.Copy !req
133. Oh.Copy !req
134. - Your bank.
- Right. My bank.Copy !req
135. Well, you are very attractive
for a banker.Copy !req
136. - Thank you. I'm not a banker. I'm a lawyer.
- Really?Copy !req
137. And what kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?Copy !req
138. Sexual harassment, mostly.Copy !req
139. - Oh.
- But I also handle...Copy !req
140. real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.Copy !req
141. - Hang on a second. You're saying
this place here is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.Copy !req
142. You were in default during the six months
we sent you delinquency notices.Copy !req
143. - I thought that those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.Copy !req
144. Well, no one warned me.
So what happens now?Copy !req
145. I just pretty much make my payments
out to somebody else?Copy !req
146. It means you have 30 days to pay off
the balance of your mortgage...Copy !req
147. or you lose your gym.Copy !req
148. Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?Copy !req
149. Fifty thousand dollars.Copy !req
150. Personal check gonna be okay? Might
have to wait till the end of the month...Copy !req
151. to go ahead and cash her, because I do
have to switch some funds around.Copy !req
152. Unfortunately, the charity I like
to work with is gonna take a hit.Copy !req
153. Mr. La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.Copy !req
154. Yeah. No, I— This is extremely serious,
Mrs., uh, Veatch.Copy !req
155. It's Ms. I'm gonna need to review
all of your financial statements...Copy !req
156. - and assess any tax liabilities there may be.
- Absolutely.Copy !req
157. I don't know how you say Ms. for a Mr.,
'cause it's just Mr...Copy !req
158. but if there was a Ms. Mr.,
I'm a— I'm a Ms. as well.Copy !req
159. You do keep financial records,
don't you?Copy !req
160. - Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income?
- You kidding me?Copy !req
161. - I got a whole closet full.
- Here?Copy !req
162. Yeah. I call 'em keepers.Copy !req
163. Problem is that
I've never really filed them.Copy !req
164. No kidding.Copy !req
165. Just out of curiosity, who would
wanna buy this place anyway?Copy !req
166. Come on. Come on. Squeeze it. Squeeze it.Copy !req
167. Squeeze it. Yeah. Come on. Come on.
Get it up. Get it up, get it up, get it up.Copy !req
168. Come on. One more, bitch!
One more, bitch!Copy !req
169. Yeah, bitch! Yeah!Copy !req
170. - Yeah!
- Now you're my bitch!Copy !req
171. Yeah!Copy !req
172. Whoo!
Yeah, baby!Copy !req
173. Involuntary spasm. Look at—
Look at the show! Enjoy the show!Copy !req
174. - Whoo!
- Is this a bad time? I could always come back.Copy !req
175. Looks like some real
dude sweat going on.Copy !req
176. Add three pounds to the scales in the women's
locker room before you go home.Copy !req
177. - Yes, sir.
- Refreshment?Copy !req
178. I've got protein paste,
carb laxative.Copy !req
179. Oh!
Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?Copy !req
180. No, thank you. I'm actually
trying to cut down on those.Copy !req
181. - They're good. They are good.
- I know what you mean. Walk with me.Copy !req
182. - Hey, Briana. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
- Sounds great.Copy !req
183. Nice job, Suzie.
You call that a sit-up?Copy !req
184. Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.Copy !req
185. There's a good energy
in the gym.Copy !req
186. Let me guess
why you're here, Pete.Copy !req
187. You're here because I bought
out the second mortgage on your gym...Copy !req
188. and you've got 30 days
to make $50,000...Copy !req
189. or your gym
becomes my gym.Copy !req
190. Look, White, I know that
we've had our differences in the past—Copy !req
191. Differences? Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?Copy !req
192. - It was one night.
- Or how about that strip-o-gram you sent me...Copy !req
193. for the Globo Gym
one-year anniversary?Copy !req
194. - The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.Copy !req
195. Let's not get hung up
on details here, okay?Copy !req
196. - Look, we're both professionals.
- Oh, really? Professionals?Copy !req
197. Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.Copy !req
198. My gym's worth over four million dollars.
Your gym isn't worth four.Copy !req
199. I have shareholders.
You haven't even got... cup holders.Copy !req
200. - Why would I want cup holders?
- The point is...Copy !req
201. Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.Copy !req
202. A benchmark
in the fitness community.Copy !req
203. Your gym is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.Copy !req
204. You see, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favors.Copy !req
205. I earned this body
and I built this temple...Copy !req
206. out of nothing more than a little
"can do" attitude and some elbow grease.Copy !req
207. And, yes, a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.Copy !req
208. So if I choose
to level Average Joe's...Copy !req
209. to build a new auxiliary parking structure
for my members, so be it.Copy !req
210. There's nothing
you can do about it.Copy !req
211. In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing
that shit heap you call a gym...Copy !req
212. into permanent nothingness.Copy !req
213. And I can only hope that
you and the mongrel race...Copy !req
214. that comprise your membership
are inside it when I do.Copy !req
215. Show Mr. La Fleur out.Copy !req
216. Turn it up high, Reggie.Copy !req
217. I wanna burn!Copy !req
218. So that's the deal.Copy !req
219. We got 30 days to raise $50,000,
or Average Joe's is history.Copy !req
220. Now, I got 10 minutes.
I'll open it up to some "Q" and "A."Copy !req
221. You don't have to raise your hands.
It's more of an open forum.Copy !req
222. - But, yeah, okay, Owen. Kick us off.
- Uh, yes, Peter.Copy !req
223. And I'm just spitballin' here...Copy !req
224. but why don't we pay it off in Canadian
dollars and save ourselves some money?Copy !req
225. All right, just so you know...Copy !req
226. if that's a route that you're interested
in traveling...Copy !req
227. it's $50,000 American, it would be 70,000
roughly Canadian dollars.Copy !req
228. How are we gonna
come up with $120,000?Copy !req
229. Owen, no, no.
You don't add 'em together.Copy !req
230. And technically, Peter, I'm sorry
to say this, but it's more like $73,313.Copy !req
231. Look, it doesn't matter.
We can't come up with $50,000.Copy !req
232. - We're screwed.
- Garr!Copy !req
233. It seems to me an insurmountable
amount of money.Copy !req
234. No, it's not insurmountable.
Come on. Come on.Copy !req
235. We can't just sit back and
let Globo Gym take us over.Copy !req
236. Average Joe's
is too important.Copy !req
237. Gordon, where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?Copy !req
238. - Average Joe's.
- Right.Copy !req
239. Dwight, Owen, what are you guys
gonna do if Joe's goes under?Copy !req
240. - Work at the airport again?
- I ain't workin' no airport again.Copy !req
241. No, 'cause you hated it.Copy !req
242. And, Steve, where do you go to do
whatever is it that you do?Copy !req
243. Garr. Joe's be
the only place for Steve.Copy !req
244. Garr! You're right!
Do you see?Copy !req
245. And I'll tell you, there's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.Copy !req
246. It's just they'd laugh at me there,
lock me in lockers...Copy !req
247. make me eat clay.Copy !req
248. But not here.
Not at Joe's.Copy !req
249. I need this place.
You guys need this place.Copy !req
250. Come on!Copy !req
251. I got it! I know how
we can raise the money.Copy !req
252. - How?
- Car wash!Copy !req
253. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
254. I mean, what are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?Copy !req
255. Come on. The girls
beat us fair and square.Copy !req
256. Now, I for one am gonna be
a gentleman about it and go over there...Copy !req
257. and congratulate each
and every one of them personally.Copy !req
258. - Hi, purple.
- Uh, guys?Copy !req
259. Guys? Uh, not to be
a naysayer or anything...Copy !req
260. but the only customer we've had is that weird
guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.Copy !req
261. That's it, boy.Copy !req
262. Get in there nice and deep-like.Copy !req
263. Yeah, that's not good.Copy !req
264. Garr, this sucks!Copy !req
265. Relax, Justin.
It's just a cutout.Copy !req
266. At Globo Gym we're better than you,
and we know it.Copy !req
267. Sign up now.Copy !req
268. Do you smell that fitness?
I do.Copy !req
269. Rock it and shock it, baby.Copy !req
270. - You gotta burn it to earn it!
- What's in the envelope?Copy !req
271. Free 30-day trial memberships
to Globo Gym.Copy !req
272. - Cool.
- It's a joke, Owen. He sent it to us as an insult.Copy !req
273. Maybe we could sell 'em for cash,
'cause the car wash actually cost us money.Copy !req
274. - So we're further away from saving this place?
- Afraid so.Copy !req
275. - We're never gonna raise enough money.
- This blows.Copy !req
276. Guys, I know
this is tough to take...Copy !req
277. but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us
the $50,000 we need to save this place...Copy !req
278. then I guess
it just isn't in the cards.Copy !req
279. Trust me here.Copy !req
280. If there was any way,
any way in the world...Copy !req
281. we could've raised $50,000 in 30 days
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.Copy !req
282. We could sell blood and semen.Copy !req
283. - Garr!
- What? Not mixed together.Copy !req
284. Look, guys, I love the enthusiasm.
I love the energy here.Copy !req
285. But we're looking at
this thing here the wrong way.Copy !req
286. Let's start to celebrate
the good times that was Joe's.Copy !req
287. We gotta start looking at this
Irish-wake style.Copy !req
288. Let me be the first to say good-bye
to Average Joe's.Copy !req
289. We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now, let's try to have some fun.Copy !req
290. I'm gonna go put on "The Thong Song,"
and we'll tear this place apart.Copy !req
291. Wait! Wait!
Peter! Peter!Copy !req
292. We could play dodgeball.Copy !req
293. That's very nice, Gordon,
but I just think everyone's tired.Copy !req
294. I really don't think
playing a game's gonna help.Copy !req
295. No, no, we—
we could play dodgeball.Copy !req
296. There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.Copy !req
297. I read about the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open...Copy !req
298. every single year
in Obscure Sports Quarterly.Copy !req
299. Of course. I mean, that's a very-very
common, totally common thing.Copy !req
300. And the best part, it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.Copy !req
301. How the hell is dodgeball gonna get us
the $50,000 we need to save this place?Copy !req
302. - 'Cause they have a cash prize
for the first-place winner.
- How much?Copy !req
303. $50,000!Copy !req
304. Guys, we are not gonna get
$50,000 for playing dodgeball.Copy !req
305. - Why not?
- First of all, none of us even
know how to play dodgeball.Copy !req
306. I do. Yeah, we played it
in P.E. last year.Copy !req
307. They showed us this film
about it and everything.Copy !req
308. - Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.Copy !req
309. Guys, can we please try to be
serious here for just one second?Copy !req
310. You said anything we could do
to raise the money, right?Copy !req
311. Well, this is that anything.
This is it right here!Copy !req
312. Come on, guys. Show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?Copy !req
313. Come on!Copy !req
314. Come on, Pete.Copy !req
315. You guys had me
at blood and semen. Come here.Copy !req
316. You want it, don't you,
fat boy?Copy !req
317. You want that doughnut.
Go ahead and have a bite.Copy !req
318. Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.Copy !req
319. Oh, mama!Copy !req
320. Sir, Katherine Veatch
is here to see you.Copy !req
321. Give me 30 seconds, then send her in.Copy !req
322. Yes, sir.Copy !req
323. Thank you.Copy !req
324. Oh. Hello, Katherine.Copy !req
325. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.Copy !req
326. You asked me to come over.Copy !req
327. Did I?Copy !req
328. Are you reading the dictionary?Copy !req
329. You caught me.
I like to break a mental sweat too.Copy !req
330. Grab a chair. So, I trust
everything's going swimmingly...Copy !req
331. with our acquisition
of Average Joe's?Copy !req
332. So far, yeah.
I mean, there's a lot...Copy !req
333. to do over there,
so I should probably get back.Copy !req
334. That is a really
interesting painting.Copy !req
335. Oh. Thank you. Yeah, that's, uh—
that's me taking the bull by the horns.Copy !req
336. That's how I handle my business.
It's a metaphor.Copy !req
337. - I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.Copy !req
338. Anyway, we're a pretty
tight-knit tribe here...Copy !req
339. but there's always room
for one more squaw.Copy !req
340. So please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.Copy !req
341. - Oh, I don't.
- I just don't wanna get into a formal thing here.Copy !req
342. I'm White, you know?
I'm White. W-H-I-T...Copy !req
343. E.Copy !req
344. Thanks, Mr. Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.Copy !req
345. I mean, they just assigned me
to your account, that's all.Copy !req
346. Right. Well, you work for the bank,
bank works for me...Copy !req
347. so, ipso facto, I'm your boss.Copy !req
348. Point is,
I would love to see...Copy !req
349. that pretty little bone structure
of yours around here some more.Copy !req
350. I mean, there's no reason
we need to be shackled...Copy !req
351. by the strictures of the employee-employer
relationship.Copy !req
352. Unless, of course,
you're into that sort of thing.Copy !req
353. In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.Copy !req
354. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.Copy !req
355. I'm just doing my job,
Mr. Goodman. In fact...Copy !req
356. I actually...Copy !req
357. - prefer it over there.
- Really?Copy !req
358. You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser Town, huh?Copy !req
359. Freaks? They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.Copy !req
360. People!Copy !req
361. People just like you and me.Copy !req
362. Oh, man. That is what I love about you,
Kate. You've got a personality.Copy !req
363. Ah! That is rich.Copy !req
364. A real sauciness that I find...Copy !req
365. extremely attractive.Copy !req
366. - We should mate.
- What?Copy !req
367. Date. I said we should date sometime.
You know, socially.Copy !req
368. Go out and kick it.Copy !req
369. - Are you okay?
- I'm fine.Copy !req
370. I just, uh, threw up
in my mouth a little bit.Copy !req
371. Yeah, you know, in some cultures,
they only eat vomit.Copy !req
372. I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.Copy !req
373. I'm sorry, Mr. Goodman.
I don't date clients.Copy !req
374. I get it. Don't crap where you eat.
I understand.Copy !req
375. Me'Shell! Please escort
Miss Veatch out.Copy !req
376. Oh, and Katherine.Copy !req
377. Make sure my acquisition
of that gym goes smoothly.Copy !req
378. They're up to something
over there. I can smell it.Copy !req
379. Über-American Instructional Films...Copy !req
380. teaching America's youth
since 1938.Copy !req
381. Hey, there, Timmy!Copy !req
382. Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.Copy !req
383. How would you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint...Copy !req
384. - and learn about dodgeball?
- Boy, would I!Copy !req
385. Wow! Where am I, mister?Copy !req
386. You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.Copy !req
387. This is where the sport of dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century...Copy !req
388. by opium-addicted Chinamen.Copy !req
389. But back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each other...Copy !req
390. instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved
balls we use today.Copy !req
391. A.D.A.A.?Copy !req
392. That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.Copy !req
393. Dodgeball is played with
six players on each team...Copy !req
394. and six rubber balls.Copy !req
395. The object of the game is to eliminate
the opposing players.Copy !req
396. Once all the players
on one team are eliminated...Copy !req
397. - the opposing team wins!
- Wow!Copy !req
398. I can't wait to get
the fellas together and play!Copy !req
399. Whoa, whoa!
Hang on a second there, sport.Copy !req
400. - Patches O'Houlihan?
- That's right, Timmy.Copy !req
401. Patches O'Houlihan,
the seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...Copy !req
402. is here to take you
the rest of the way.Copy !req
403. - Jeepers! Really?
- You betcha, champ.Copy !req
404. If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground...Copy !req
405. then the player who threw that ball
is out, not you.Copy !req
406. Plus, another player from your team gets
to come back into the game!Copy !req
407. - It's a two-player swing.
- Gee, thanks, Patches.Copy !req
408. I can't wait to start
my own team at school.Copy !req
409. That-a-boy, tiger.
But remember...Copy !req
410. dodgeball is a sport of violence,
exclusion and degradation.Copy !req
411. So, when you're picking players
in gym class...Copy !req
412. remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.Copy !req
413. That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones...Copy !req
414. like Winston here.Copy !req
415. Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.Copy !req
416. Just remember
the five "D's of dodgeball:Copy !req
417. dodge, duck, dip,
dive and... dodge.Copy !req
418. Till next time, this is
Patches O'Houlihan...Copy !req
419. saying take care of your balls...Copy !req
420. and they'll take care of you.Copy !req
421. Okay, guys, any questions?Copy !req
422. Great. And, uh,
just for your information...Copy !req
423. I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf Rec Center.Copy !req
424. But we haven't even
practiced yet.Copy !req
425. We have to qualify for the Vegas Open,
and tomorrow's regional's our last chance.Copy !req
426. All right, everyone, just relax.
I've always found...Copy !req
427. the best way to learn a sport
is by playing it anyway.Copy !req
428. Anyone needs me, I'll be
in my office doing Mad Libs.Copy !req
429. Okay, thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
Okay, I think everybody knows—Copy !req
430. Don't you have
an office of your own?Copy !req
431. Yes, I do have
an office of my own.Copy !req
432. I have a very nice office with
a view and air conditioning.Copy !req
433. - Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet...Copy !req
434. overflowing with 30 years
of financial transactions...Copy !req
435. devoid of any discernible
filing system known to man.Copy !req
436. Hard to believe I only got a semester
of junior college under my belt.Copy !req
437. For instance, do you realize you haven't
collected any membership fees in 13 months?Copy !req
438. I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?Copy !req
439. I found that if you have a goal
that you might not reach it.Copy !req
440. But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.Copy !req
441. And I gotta tell ya,
it feels phenomenal.Copy !req
442. - Well, I guess that makes sense in a really sad way.
- Sad?Copy !req
443. You wanna know what's sad?Copy !req
444. Six grown men playing dodgeball.Copy !req
445. Okay, since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and probably do some abs.Copy !req
446. Gonna shock it up.
Gonna let it go.Copy !req
447. You know, I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.Copy !req
448. I gotta stretch it out. Gotta be limber
and loose. That's the only way to play.Copy !req
449. Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time.Copy !req
450. Hmm. Dodgeball, eh?Copy !req
451. Well, if Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym...Copy !req
452. well, he's in
for quite a surprise.Copy !req
453. - Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.Copy !req
454. - Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.Copy !req
455. Hey, Gordon, your family's here.Copy !req
456. - Where?
- Right over there.
- Great!Copy !req
457. She knows I don't like it
when she watches me.Copy !req
458. - I get all nervous.
- The kids take after you, Gord.Copy !req
459. Yeah. Well, she's their stepmother.Copy !req
460. I remarried three years ago. You know,
one of those Internet mail-order things.Copy !req
461. - How's that working out for you?
- Really great.Copy !req
462. - Good.
- Really great. Hey, honey.Copy !req
463. "L" for love. Good times.Copy !req
464. "L" for love?
That doesn't mean love, Gordon.Copy !req
465. No, it's— People have different
translations for different things.Copy !req
466. That's a special bond you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.Copy !req
467. - How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Uh, two.Copy !req
468. All we have to is beat this team
and we're in the Vegas Open, right?Copy !req
469. - Yeah, yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
- Who's the other team?Copy !req
470. Uh, I have it right here.
Just a sec.Copy !req
471. Uh... Troop 417.Copy !req
472. Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts.Copy !req
473. Not quite.Copy !req
474. Bollocks!Copy !req
475. Troop 417, ready? Average Joe's, ready?Copy !req
476. Set? Dodgeball!Copy !req
477. You're out!Copy !req
478. You're out!Copy !req
479. I'm gonna send ya to hell!Copy !req
480. Come on, Pete!Copy !req
481. - Ow!
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?Copy !req
482. Why would you hit a girl? Why?Copy !req
483. I am so sorry. Are you okay?Copy !req
484. Troop 417!Copy !req
485. Face! In your face!Copy !req
486. You're adopted. Your parents
don't even love you.Copy !req
487. And now,
without further ado...Copy !req
488. it gives me great pleasure
to award first—Copy !req
489. Uh, I'm sorry. We—
We have a bit of a problem here.Copy !req
490. Unfortunately for Troop 417...Copy !req
491. during the A.D.A.A.
required random drug screening...Copy !req
492. one of your player's urine
tested positive for...Copy !req
493. three separate types
of anabolic steroids...Copy !req
494. and a low-grade
beaver tranquilizer.Copy !req
495. I'm afraid by rule
your team must be disqualified.Copy !req
496. Goddamn you, Bernice!
Ooh!Copy !req
497. By the power vested in me...Copy !req
498. I declare the winner of this year's dodgeball
regional qualifying tournament...Copy !req
499. and grammar jamboree to be...Copy !req
500. Average Joe's Gym.Copy !req
501. God!Copy !req
502. All I'm saying to you, Kate,
is that you can admit...Copy !req
503. the real reason
why you showed up today.Copy !req
504. - It's okay.
- Like I said, I was in the neighborhood...Copy !req
505. and I just thought you guys could
probably use a cheering section.Copy !req
506. Kate, if you wanna join the team,
all you have to do is ask.Copy !req
507. Thank you, Peter.
I don't.Copy !req
508. Then it's obvious that you dig me.Copy !req
509. - You're hooked on La Fleur.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
510. I've been through this
many times. I'm sorry.Copy !req
511. You can't stay away from me.
I'm so stupid.Copy !req
512. All right, no, I'll admit
that in spite of yourself...Copy !req
513. you have brief moments
where you're not completely—Copy !req
514. What?Copy !req
515. - Where I'm not completely what?
- Pathetic.Copy !req
516. Oh, hey, White.Copy !req
517. I didn't think that
Nazi camp got out until 8:00.Copy !req
518. Did you decide
to skip arts and crafts?Copy !req
519. Yes, I did.
Oh, hello, Kate.Copy !req
520. I wasn't aware
I was paying you to socialize.Copy !req
521. You're not. I'm off the clock.Copy !req
522. Well, isn't that convenient for you...Copy !req
523. and the clock?Copy !req
524. I just thought I'd drop by
and congratulate you...Copy !req
525. on your victory
by disqualification today...Copy !req
526. and introduce you to the team
that will be winning...Copy !req
527. the Las Vegas International
Dodgeball Open— my team.Copy !req
528. Allow me the pleasure
of introducing you to...Copy !req
529. Blade...Copy !req
530. Laser, Blazer.Copy !req
531. I believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.Copy !req
532. - We've met.
- Oh, and I almost forgot.Copy !req
533. Our last player.Copy !req
534. Meet Fran
Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky.Copy !req
535. Oh!Copy !req
536. In her home country
of Romanovia...Copy !req
537. dodgeball is the national sport...Copy !req
538. and her nuclear power plant's team
won the championship five years running...Copy !req
539. which makes her the deadliest woman
on Earth with a dodgeball.Copy !req
540. Ball me, Blazer.Copy !req
541. Show them, Fran.Copy !req
542. And that's just
her changeup.Copy !req
543. End of demo.Copy !req
544. We are the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras, and we will—Copy !req
545. we will rock you!Copy !req
546. I think that guy
might really be dead.Copy !req
547. Wait a minute.
Wait-Wait-Wait a minute.Copy !req
548. How can you be entered
in the Las Vegas Open?Copy !req
549. You didn't even win
a regional qualifying match.Copy !req
550. Oh, my God! We never even won
a regional qualifying match!Copy !req
551. Oh, yeah, now I remember.Copy !req
552. The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine...Copy !req
553. and I helped him shed some unwanted
poundage before beach season.Copy !req
554. So you can close your little rule book
on that one, Poindexter.Copy !req
555. Look, White, we didn't come here to rumble.
We came here to celebrate as a team.Copy !req
556. So if you don't mind,
there's plenty of bar here...Copy !req
557. - for you and the Globo-nauts.
- Team?Copy !req
558. What team? Your best player
thinks he's a pirate.Copy !req
559. Ahoy! That's it!Copy !req
560. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, first of all...Copy !req
561. he is way more of a pirate
than you will ever be.Copy !req
562. And secondly, we don't know
who our best player is yet.Copy !req
563. We've only had one game.
It could be any one of us at this point.Copy !req
564. That's great.
Go ahead, make your jokes...Copy !req
565. Mr. Jokey Joke-maker.Copy !req
566. But let me hit you
with some knowledge.Copy !req
567. You should quit now and save yourself
the embarrassment...Copy !req
568. of losing with these losers
in Las Vegas, La Fleur.Copy !req
569. Alliteration aside, I think I'll take
my chances in the tournament.Copy !req
570. Yeah, you will take
your chances.Copy !req
571. I know. I just said that.Copy !req
572. - I know you just said that.
- Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.Copy !req
573. - Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I just said.Copy !req
574. - That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.Copy !req
575. Touché.Copy !req
576. Me and my squad are gonna split.Copy !req
577. But we'll see you at the tournament.
Oh, and La Fleur...Copy !req
578. best bring your bib...Copy !req
579. 'cause it's gonna get messy!Copy !req
580. Are you all right? You okay?Copy !req
581. Let's bounce. Cobras!Copy !req
582. Garr!Copy !req
583. Okay, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?Copy !req
584. Hey, you. That was the worst
damned display of dodgeball...Copy !req
585. I've seen in 40 years.Copy !req
586. If you wanna have dodgeball victory,
you gotta grab it by its haunches...Copy !req
587. and you gotta
hump it into submission.Copy !req
588. - That's the only way.
- Okay, crazy guy.Copy !req
589. I'm-I'm gonna go home now.Copy !req
590. I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy.Copy !req
591. The name's Patches O'Houlihan.Copy !req
592. - I'm your new coach.
- Patches O'Houlihan?Copy !req
593. - The guy from the dodgeball film?
- Yeah, he said he wants to coach us.Copy !req
594. - And you said yes?
- Look, I figured having the steady hand...Copy !req
595. of a seasoned dodgeball coach
could only benefit us, Dwight.Copy !req
596. All right, all right.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?Copy !req
597. No! No, he's totally normal.Copy !req
598. Ahh! I love the smell
of queef in the morning.Copy !req
599. I mean, you know,
normal for us.Copy !req
600. - Line up, ladies!
- What does he mean, line up?Copy !req
601. - Now!
- Aah!Copy !req
602. If you're gonna learn
to be true dodgeballers...Copy !req
603. then you've got to learn
the five "D's of dodgeball:Copy !req
604. dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.Copy !req
605. If you master the five "D's,
no amount of balls on Earth can hit you.Copy !req
606. - Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or—Copy !req
607. Yeah, um, shouldn't we, like...Copy !req
608. learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or—Copy !req
609. That's what this sack
of wrenches is for.Copy !req
610. If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.Copy !req
611. What?Copy !req
612. Any other questions?Copy !req
613. Oh, my God!Copy !req
614. Yeah. Uh, Patches, are you sure...Copy !req
615. that this is completely necessary?Copy !req
616. Necessary?Copy !req
617. Is it necessary for me
to drink my own urine?Copy !req
618. - Probably not.
- No!Copy !req
619. But I do it anyway, because it's sterile
and I like the taste.Copy !req
620. - Okay.
- And if you're going to lead this squad, La Fleur...Copy !req
621. you got to learn to do
the dance in the dark.Copy !req
622. Here, put that on.Copy !req
623. All right, ladies, buckle up!Copy !req
624. It's showtime!Copy !req
625. Dodge! Duck! Dip!
Dive!Copy !req
626. Duck!Copy !req
627. - Aah!
- Dive!Copy !req
628. - Aah!
- Dip! Dive!Copy !req
629. - Dive!
- Aah!Copy !req
630. I've got three weeks to whip you suck-ass
failure junkies into shape!Copy !req
631. Come on! I get better runs
in my shorts!Copy !req
632. Catch a ball,
one of their guys goes out...Copy !req
633. one of our guys comes back in.Copy !req
634. That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.Copy !req
635. Let's go!
A little hustle here!Copy !req
636. Come on!
Only 19 miles to go.Copy !req
637. Ha-ha!Copy !req
638. - Attaboy!
- Aah!Copy !req
639. Next man!Copy !req
640. Uh, good luck to you, Gordon.
I want you to remember now...Copy !req
641. - that it's 90% mental.
- Okey dokey.Copy !req
642. If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.Copy !req
643. You got it, Gordon.Copy !req
644. Ooh, God!Copy !req
645. I'm fine!
I'm okay!Copy !req
646. - Okay.
- I'm fine.Copy !req
647. Ooh!Copy !req
648. - Ow, man!
- Wake up, Smithy!Copy !req
649. Holy hell, son, you're about as useful
as a cock-flavored lollipop.Copy !req
650. Quick feet!
Fast hands!Copy !req
651. Catch it and throw!Copy !req
652. Pick up the pace!
All right!Copy !req
653. What a bunch of females!Copy !req
654. Jesus! Give me that.Copy !req
655. You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.Copy !req
656. Where's your killer instinct, son?
You gotta get angry!Copy !req
657. You gotta get mean!
That's the only way you can play.Copy !req
658. Well, I guess I'm not
really an angry person.Copy !req
659. Aah! Ow!Copy !req
660. - Ooh!
- Are you angry now?Copy !req
661. - Breathe it out. You all right?
- Come on!Copy !req
662. - Let's get going here!
- I'm okay.Copy !req
663. Little help?Copy !req
664. What?
Eight years of softball.Copy !req
665. - Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.Copy !req
666. All I know is, that dyke can play.Copy !req
667. Come on. Come on!Copy !req
668. - Please?
- We need you.Copy !req
669. - You're really good.
- Yeah. Owen will be team manager if you play.Copy !req
670. - I will?
- Shut up.Copy !req
671. Look, guys, I find White Goodman
creepy just like you do.Copy !req
672. - All the more reason for you to join us.
- Come on, Kate.Copy !req
673. Time to put your mouth
where our balls are.Copy !req
674. Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It would be a conflict of interest.Copy !req
675. Suit yourself.Copy !req
676. All right, guys, you heard Billie Jean King.Copy !req
677. No crying in the breast milk.
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.Copy !req
678. Ah, man!Copy !req
679. Now we've punched the pizza dough down...Copy !req
680. and it's time to sauce it up.Copy !req
681. Oh, boy, is my mouth watering.Copy !req
682. You're gonna wanna put
a big dollop of that tangy red...Copy !req
683. dead center on the dough, then
use the cheese to shove it to the edge.Copy !req
684. - Oh, yeah.
- Sir, I think you should take a look at— Whoa!Copy !req
685. Uh— What— What—Copy !req
686. What have I said
about knocking? Hmm?Copy !req
687. - Always knock!
- Whoa! Sorry, sir.Copy !req
688. What is so important
that you need to...Copy !req
689. interrupt me during
my private reflection period?Copy !req
690. These.Copy !req
691. - They're getting better.
- Yes, I can see that, Me'Shell.Copy !req
692. I'm through playing games.Copy !req
693. It's time to end this square dance
once and for all.Copy !req
694. What about the girl?
She can throw.Copy !req
695. Well, I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.Copy !req
696. But rest assured, Me'Shell...Copy !req
697. there's no resistin' when White Goodman
puts on his shiny shoes.Copy !req
698. It's White.Copy !req
699. - Surprise.
- White.Copy !req
700. Uh, what— what are you—
what are you doing here?Copy !req
701. How do you, uh,
know where I live?Copy !req
702. It's called the Freedom
of Information Act, Kate.Copy !req
703. The hippies finally
got something right.Copy !req
704. Just kiddin', but not really.Copy !req
705. Hey, I got some great news.
Sit down.Copy !req
706. - What is it?
- You're fired.Copy !req
707. - I'm what?
- You're fired. I called up the bank...Copy !req
708. and told 'em that you were stealing and
drinking on the job, and they bought it.Copy !req
709. Can you believe it? They assigned some
other Johnny Pencil-pusher to my account.Copy !req
710. Why would you do that?Copy !req
711. I'm here to begin
my courtship with you, Kate.Copy !req
712. You fired me so I'd date you?Copy !req
713. Uh-huh.Copy !req
714. - You are a crazy little man.
- Come on, Kate.Copy !req
715. I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.Copy !req
716. Oh. Yeah, nausea!Copy !req
717. If you don't get off my porch in two seconds,
you're gonna know exactly how that feels.Copy !req
718. Ooh-hoo! You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.Copy !req
719. Well, I can be naughty too.Copy !req
720. Real freaky naughty.
Ooh.Copy !req
721. - You a naughty freak?
- You need some help leaving, White?Copy !req
722. This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.Copy !req
723. Not nearly as much
as your hair does.Copy !req
724. That's for sure. But, uh, I believe
she asked you to leave.Copy !req
725. I get it.Copy !req
726. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.Copy !req
727. Pity.Copy !req
728. I'll let you have your little moment,
La Fleur.Copy !req
729. 'Cause after this tournament,
your gym...Copy !req
730. your life and your gal
are gonna be mine.Copy !req
731. All mine.Copy !req
732. To be continued—
Aah! Oh!Copy !req
733. You don't get
to touch me ever!Copy !req
734. Okay, Romeo,
let me help you up.Copy !req
735. - Get off of me! Don't you touch me!
- Whoa!Copy !req
736. It is over
between us, Kate.Copy !req
737. Nobody makes me bleed
my own blood. Nobody!Copy !req
738. Well, at least
that wasn't weird.Copy !req
739. - Yeah.
- Do I smell cookies?Copy !req
740. - Hey!
- Dear Barbara.Copy !req
741. I like unicorns.Copy !req
742. Wow.Copy !req
743. Look, I know you said no
to joining the team...Copy !req
744. but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favor to me.Copy !req
745. - Look, Peter—
- Look, before you answer...Copy !req
746. I think it's important for you to know
you'd have your own changing room.Copy !req
747. - Really?
- Sort of.Copy !req
748. - Mmm.
- Oh, and, uh, there's also this.Copy !req
749. - Oh. Okay, what's this?
- I overdid.Copy !req
750. Oh, look at you.Copy !req
751. Two expired movie passes,
and a coupon...Copy !req
752. for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.Copy !req
753. Play your cards right,
that could turn into a full-body.Copy !req
754. Okay, will you just stop,
please?Copy !req
755. I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.Copy !req
756. I just wanna see the look on White Goodman's
face when we win that tournament.Copy !req
757. - You're in?
- I'm in.Copy !req
758. Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand...Copy !req
759. broken dreams
and five-dollar lobster.Copy !req
760. A city where you can get a happy ending,
but only if you pay a little extra.Copy !req
761. A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup...Copy !req
762. World Series
and World War II combined.Copy !req
763. Live from Las Vegas...Copy !req
764. it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open...Copy !req
765. here on ESPN 8, the Ocho...Copy !req
766. bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.Copy !req
767. If it's almost a sport,
we've got it here.Copy !req
768. Hello, everybody and welcome
to this year's annual...Copy !req
769. Las Vegas International
Dodgeball Open...Copy !req
770. brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN 8, the Ocho.Copy !req
771. We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas
University Learning Annex.Copy !req
772. My name is Cotton McKnight,
and with me as always...Copy !req
773. is my partner in crime,
Pepper Brooks.Copy !req
774. - Pep.
- Yeah, Cotton. Hey.Copy !req
775. Everybody,
32 teams in play.Copy !req
776. That means four wins
is gonna get you in the final match...Copy !req
777. with that fifth win gettin' you the 50-K
that everyone's chasin'.Copy !req
778. - Cotton!
- Well, there's an electricity in the air, folks.Copy !req
779. A palpable hue of anticipation.Copy !req
780. Immortality
five simple victories away.Copy !req
781. They've come from all over the globe,
from Kathmandu to Timbuktu...Copy !req
782. and all points in between to compete
in the one true human test— dodgeball.Copy !req
783. Hasselhoff!Copy !req
784. - Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?Copy !req
785. Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.Copy !req
786. And so I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.Copy !req
787. All right! Now we get our thing going on.
Maybe we start smacking each other.Copy !req
788. I hope everything fits.Copy !req
789. - Wait.
- Nice.Copy !req
790. This isn't right.Copy !req
791. This isn't what I ordered!Copy !req
792. What the hell is that?
This is screwed up!Copy !req
793. This is great! What are
we supposed to do now?Copy !req
794. Don't worry. We'll play in
what we've got on, right?Copy !req
795. No, we can't. A.D.A.A. rules require
we wear matching uniforms.Copy !req
796. Well, I don't think they require...Copy !req
797. - ass-less chaps, okay?
- Look, everyone, can we
calm down here for a second?Copy !req
798. We're gonna have plenty of time to find
other uniforms before we have to play.Copy !req
799. Ladies, ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game!Copy !req
800. Come on! Let's go! Let's see
some movement! Chop-chop!Copy !req
801. I don't see any movement!
Let's go!Copy !req
802. How about those
dodgeball dancers, folks?Copy !req
803. - That is some good, clean
family fun there, eh, Cot?
- Right you are.Copy !req
804. Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.Copy !req
805. The reigning European champ hopes
to extend their empire here on American soil.Copy !req
806. Appeasement be damned!Copy !req
807. And here comes the relatively
unknown challengers...Copy !req
808. a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.Copy !req
809. Oh, my sweet Jesus.Copy !req
810. That's rad.Copy !req
811. Hey, asshole, you guys suck!Copy !req
812. Thank you. Nice-Nice
to be in Vegas. Uh, hi.Copy !req
813. We're all here and, um,
we are ready to play.Copy !req
814. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
815. And we get our first glimpse
of the Average Joe's squad...Copy !req
816. sporting some unwieldy uniforms.Copy !req
817. I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.Copy !req
818. - Average Joe's ready?
- Garr!Copy !req
819. Blitzkrieg ready?Copy !req
820. Dodgeball!Copy !req
821. And we're underway! Average Joe's
versus the heavily-favored German team.Copy !req
822. Of course, S&M gear
first made popular...Copy !req
823. - by the lyric poet Sappho
from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit! You're out!Copy !req
824. Leather and latex belong in
the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court, Cotton.Copy !req
825. Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge!Copy !req
826. Oh! Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated...Copy !req
827. and Coach O'Houlihan
is not happy.Copy !req
828. Ooh! I'll tell you what.Copy !req
829. This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff.Copy !req
830. Mid-line infraction! You stepped
over the line! You're out!Copy !req
831. Dan, the Average Joe's
catches a break there.Copy !req
832. But the Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defense.Copy !req
833. - Good toss by the submissive out there.
- You're out!Copy !req
834. Just two players left for— Oh!
Check that. Make it one.Copy !req
835. Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.Copy !req
836. It's all up to the only player without
a "Y" chromosome— Kate Veatch.Copy !req
837. Oh! What a throw!Copy !req
838. - Hold your phone. She's got a cannon.
- Yes!Copy !req
839. - Come on! Come on, Kate!
- You're the only man out there!
Give it to 'em, baby!Copy !req
840. The Germans have a two-one advantage.
Oh! Great catch!Copy !req
841. And Peter La Fleur's back in the game.Copy !req
842. How about that?
It's a two-on-one switcheroo.Copy !req
843. And now Joe's
has the upper hand.Copy !req
844. - Great deflection.
- Take it to him!Copy !req
845. - He's ball-less now!
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton!Copy !req
846. Average Joe's!Copy !req
847. Oh, my sweet dick!
It's magic! All right!Copy !req
848. Oh, my, the Germans losing in the first round.Copy !req
849. And Average Joe's wins
in a shocking upset.Copy !req
850. I feel shocked.Copy !req
851. - Yeah!
- We won!Copy !req
852. Losers!Copy !req
853. You must be Daddy.Copy !req
854. Average Joe's has shocked
the dodgeball pundits...Copy !req
855. and made it to tomorrow's round, where
we'll separate the wheat from the chaff...Copy !req
856. the men from the boys...Copy !req
857. and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.Copy !req
858. So don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.Copy !req
859. What the hell?Copy !req
860. That guy's a dickhead.Copy !req
861. You wanted to see me,
Patches?Copy !req
862. You did good out there.
Real good.Copy !req
863. You're a natural leader,
La Fleur.Copy !req
864. Those men and that muff-diver
in there believe in you.Copy !req
865. - Kate's not a muff-diver—
- Ahh, no.Copy !req
866. Hey. That's for you.Copy !req
867. I can't accept this, Patches.Copy !req
868. You're a hell of a player, Peter.
You earned it.Copy !req
869. I got some hookers
in my room.Copy !req
870. What do you say we go celebrate?
My treat.Copy !req
871. No, thanks. I-I think I'll just stick
with the scarf here, but thank you.Copy !req
872. Suit yourself, queer.Copy !req
873. - I'm sorry.
- Justin?Copy !req
874. Amber. Jeez, Louise,
what are you doin' here?Copy !req
875. We're here for the National
Cheerleading Championships.Copy !req
876. Oh! Yeah, no doi, the N.C.C.'s.
That's so awesome.Copy !req
877. We're in the finals tomorrow.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
878. I'm in the dodgeball tournament.Copy !req
879. Yeah, these are my teammates Dwight,
Ms. Veatch, and, uh—Copy !req
880. - Gordon.
- Yeah. This is Amber, so—Copy !req
881. Come on, babe. I want to
ride the roller coaster.Copy !req
882. Uh, hey, Derek.
Sweet 'do, man.Copy !req
883. Get bent, helmet.
Let's go, Amber.Copy !req
884. - It was nice to see you. And good luck tomorrow!
- And I'll see you.Copy !req
885. You look... healthy.
Uh, good.Copy !req
886. What?Copy !req
887. Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.Copy !req
888. Yeah. He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone in his body.Copy !req
889. - Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just sayin', it happens.Copy !req
890. - My cousin Ray-Ray? Boop! Dead.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
891. Let's huddle up here! We got some work to do.Copy !req
892. We got lucky
in the first round.Copy !req
893. We caught those
dirty Krauts napping.Copy !req
894. But that ain't gonna happen again,
so blow out the horse hockey...Copy !req
895. and remember what I taught you:
blockers in the center, funneling;Copy !req
896. aim low; and will someone
catch a goddamn ball?Copy !req
897. It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.Copy !req
898. Get it together!
Let's play some dodgeball.Copy !req
899. - Hands in. One, two, three, Joe's!
- Joe's!Copy !req
900. - Average Joe's ready?
- Yes!Copy !req
901. Lumberjacks ready?Copy !req
902. - Dodgeball!
- Average Joe's has their work cut out...Copy !req
903. for them, facing these
Lumberjacks in the second round.Copy !req
904. These woodsmen probably haven't even
smelled a woman in eight months. Ooh!Copy !req
905. They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.Copy !req
906. Clean hit! You're out!Copy !req
907. Got him in the beer gut.
And Average Joe's looking tough.Copy !req
908. Yes!Copy !req
909. Yah!Copy !req
910. Oh, now there's a souvenir
for a lucky fan.Copy !req
911. Boom! Timber!
Peter La Fleur nails him.Copy !req
912. That's all she wrote, folks. And Average Joe's
does some clear-cutting of their own...Copy !req
913. and moves on
to the quarter-final.Copy !req
914. Globo Gym hoping to drop
an A-bomb here on the Kamikazes.Copy !req
915. I don't know how they can
play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.Copy !req
916. Peek-a-boo!Copy !req
917. Oh, White Goodman, employing
his patented peek-a-boo style attack...Copy !req
918. tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa,
"This is my dojo."Copy !req
919. - Ooh!
- Is he gonna feel that tomorrow or what, Cotton?Copy !req
920. - Right in his beak!
- A relentless Globo Gym attack, led by...Copy !req
921. their Lilliputian leader,
White Goodman.Copy !req
922. It's gotta be the hair,
Cotton. It's beautiful.Copy !req
923. Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.Copy !req
924. Whoa-ho! And Globo Gym says,
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"...Copy !req
925. and breezes into the semi-final.Copy !req
926. Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's ready?Copy !req
927. - Dodgeball!
- Average Joe is plannin' to
playa-hate Skillz That Killz...Copy !req
928. the inner-city champ
for five years straight.Copy !req
929. Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing.Copy !req
930. They better chickity-check
themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.Copy !req
931. Right you are, partner. Great catch!Copy !req
932. La Fleur wheels and fires! Got him!Copy !req
933. Winner! Average Joe's!Copy !req
934. And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling-bling...Copy !req
935. advances to the semi-final!Copy !req
936. Globo Gym's making mincemeat of
the Las Vegas Police Department.Copy !req
937. Oh! That's gotta hurt.Copy !req
938. Bu-Bu-Bu-Bull's-Eye!Copy !req
939. Winner! Globo Gym!Copy !req
940. Sportsmanship be darned! Globo Gym
hands the Las Vegas Police Department...Copy !req
941. - a "187", and they're goin' to the finals!
- Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, yes!Copy !req
942. The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.Copy !req
943. It just doesn't look good for them.
The winner of this match...Copy !req
944. goes on to face Globo Gym
in the finals, and right now it's all— Oh!Copy !req
945. - Right in the testicles.
- Ouch Town. You, bro.Copy !req
946. - Average Joe's down to their
final two players.
- Come on!Copy !req
947. - Peter La Fleur can't hold on!
- Clean hit! You're out!Copy !req
948. - Time out! Gordy!
- Time out! Time out!Copy !req
949. Time! Time is out!Copy !req
950. It looks like the clock
is about to strike midnight...Copy !req
951. on this Cinderella story, turning
Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.Copy !req
952. I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.Copy !req
953. You ain't gonna be able to hit 'em.
They're too good, and you suck something awful.Copy !req
954. - Yes, sir. I sure do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry!Copy !req
955. - Roger that. Okay.
- All right. Hands in.Copy !req
956. - One, two, three— Hit 'em!
- Joe's!Copy !req
957. You've gotta get angry! Get angry now!Copy !req
958. Gordon Pibb, alone facing five Cougars.Copy !req
959. - Oh, boy.
- It's all but the crying. Sayonara...Copy !req
960. auf Wiedersehen,
and good-bye.Copy !req
961. - Dodgeball!
- And let the dodgeball slaughter begin.Copy !req
962. Good deflection there.
Hanging on, and another one.Copy !req
963. Three balls at once!
Who knew?Copy !req
964. Now it's four on one.
Pibb is not going down without a fight!Copy !req
965. - That's it!
- You're kidding me!Copy !req
966. He's calling them out!Copy !req
967. Now it's two on one!
Who would have thunk it?Copy !req
968. Go, you crazy son of a bitch!Copy !req
969. He's on the warpath!Copy !req
970. Incredible! It's one on one!Copy !req
971. - I can't believe it!
- It's just not believable, Cotton.Copy !req
972. - Winner!
- Average Joe's wins!Copy !req
973. They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000!Copy !req
974. That'll buy you one heck of a blumpkin.Copy !req
975. Right you are, Pep. To be honest, folks...Copy !req
976. I never would have dreamed it possible,
but with seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...Copy !req
977. Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.Copy !req
978. Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards!Copy !req
979. - Yeah!
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym, Pete?Copy !req
980. As long as we got Patches,
we got a shot.Copy !req
981. Oh, my God.Copy !req
982. Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.Copy !req
983. - What?
- Guys!Copy !req
984. What are we gonna do
without Patches?Copy !req
985. We gonna get our taints
handed to us, that's what!Copy !req
986. - What's a taint?
- I don't know. Sounds bad.Copy !req
987. Maybe you should go
say something to the guys.Copy !req
988. Yeah. They don't really make a...Copy !req
989. "Sorry your dodgeball coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.Copy !req
990. I'll be right back.Copy !req
991. ¿Donde está la biblioteca,
Pedro?Copy !req
992. - White?
- We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City.Copy !req
993. I been boning up on my Spanish.Copy !req
994. Me'Shell was having some digestive problems.
I hope you don't mind.Copy !req
995. Will you shut that?Copy !req
996. For all of us, babe.Copy !req
997. So that's the deal.
I give you $100,000...Copy !req
998. you sign over the deed
to your gym.Copy !req
999. Period.
End o' story.Copy !req
1000. You really think you can come in here
and buy me out, White?Copy !req
1001. - You're a lot dumber than I thought.
- Hmph.Copy !req
1002. I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought that I think that I thought I was once.Copy !req
1003. Look, Peter.
I know what it's like!Copy !req
1004. Really! I mean, for all our
blustering back and forth...Copy !req
1005. we're really pretty much
the same guy.Copy !req
1006. We're both leaders. And I like what you've
done with the gym over there. Really!Copy !req
1007. I love the, "I'm not okay, you're not okay,
but that's okay" thing you got goin'.Copy !req
1008. "You can be fat, as long as you're happy
on the inside." It's great! It works.Copy !req
1009. And they love you.
Whoo, do they love you.Copy !req
1010. You're their Fonzie, Pete.
Hey!Copy !req
1011. Right?Copy !req
1012. But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you?Copy !req
1013. All the time?
Hmm?Copy !req
1014. Looking to you to solve
their every problem?Copy !req
1015. I mean, come on.
I know you.Copy !req
1016. You know you.Copy !req
1017. And I know you know
that I know you.Copy !req
1018. You're heading
for a fall, Pete.Copy !req
1019. Sooner or later,
Average Joe's is gonna close.Copy !req
1020. And when it does...Copy !req
1021. they're gonna blame you.Copy !req
1022. I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000...Copy !req
1023. except maybe in the movies.Copy !req
1024. But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.Copy !req
1025. Money. $100,000.Copy !req
1026. Dodgeball game.Copy !req
1027. Take the money.
Invest it in something.Copy !req
1028. Give it to charity.
I don't care.Copy !req
1029. Just sign the contract.Copy !req
1030. Come on, guys.
We got Peter.Copy !req
1031. And they got guys named "Laser"
and "Blazer" and "Taser" and all kinds of "-asers."Copy !req
1032. Garr. Steve's gotta go
drain the sea monster.Copy !req
1033. Here you go, guys.
Justin, your virgin daiquiri.Copy !req
1034. - Thanks, Ms. Veatch.
- Gordon?
- Nothin' for me.Copy !req
1035. Dwight says we're gonna get killed
out there. What do you think, Peter?Copy !req
1036. - Let's not talk about tomorrow.
- What are we gonna do, Pete?Copy !req
1037. I don't know, Justin.
It's a little complicated, isn't it?Copy !req
1038. - But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah, come on. Tell us.Copy !req
1039. - Come on, boss.
- What's the plan?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1040. What do you guys want from me here?
I don't have a plan for ya.Copy !req
1041. We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow,
and we're probably gonna lose.Copy !req
1042. It's the truth.Copy !req
1043. The sooner you guys get that through your head,
the easier this whole thing's gonna be.Copy !req
1044. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
1045. He didn't mean that.Copy !req
1046. - Is he being serious?
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
1047. Oh, he's probably just stressed out.Copy !req
1048. I've never seen him
like that.Copy !req
1049. Garr, matey. Where are you headed?
Peter!Copy !req
1050. You are not a pirate.Copy !req
1051. Okay, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow.Copy !req
1052. Hey, Dwight.
Uh—Copy !req
1053. I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna go have a bathroom—Copy !req
1054. Go to the drink...
in the bathroom.Copy !req
1055. Whatever you do,
wash your hands.Copy !req
1056. - I was wondering if—
- You are the one who stares at me.Copy !req
1057. - Why is this?
- Because I think you're the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
1058. Watch it, freak.Copy !req
1059. Go back to Treasure Island!Copy !req
1060. Fag! Whoo!Copy !req
1061. Screw you!Copy !req
1062. Katie bar the door,
ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
1063. because it's time for the championship
match here on ESPN 8, the Ocho.Copy !req
1064. We've seen it all here, folks.. grit,
determination, incontinence.Copy !req
1065. And it's all come down to this..
a Cinderella story.Copy !req
1066. Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes
to drive their vorpal blade...Copy !req
1067. snicker-snack deep into the heart
of the dodgeball Jabberwocky...Copy !req
1068. that is the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras...Copy !req
1069. and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.Copy !req
1070. Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for:Copy !req
1071. a David and Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.Copy !req
1072. The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN Eight, the Ocho.Copy !req
1073. Peter?Copy !req
1074. Peter? Hello?Copy !req
1075. Peter. Come on.
Everybody headed down—Copy !req
1076. So, what happens
on a double fault?Copy !req
1077. Oh, on any double fault,
you go to sudden-death elimination.Copy !req
1078. It's continuation rule
113-D.Copy !req
1079. - Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up!Copy !req
1080. Justin! Oh, I've been
looking for you everywhere.Copy !req
1081. Really? I mean, why?
What's up?Copy !req
1082. Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.Copy !req
1083. - He can't compete!
- Oh, my God. That's awful.Copy !req
1084. He was the center Kewpie with me. Without
the center Kewpie, we can't do our routine.Copy !req
1085. - Oh, no. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.Copy !req
1086. What?
N-N-N-N-No.Copy !req
1087. - I— I can't!
- Please! You're the only one in
Las Vegas who knows our routine.Copy !req
1088. I can't! I mean, I have the dodgeball
championships at noon!Copy !req
1089. Oh, you'll be back in time!
I promise!Copy !req
1090. All right. I'll do it.Copy !req
1091. - Yes! Okay!
- I gotta tell the guys.Copy !req
1092. - No! No time. No time!
- I gotta tell the guys.Copy !req
1093. Average Joe's are a 50-to-1 underdog here today.Copy !req
1094. No one is giving them much of a chance.
What do you think, Pep?Copy !req
1095. Cotton? Hey. I spoke with White Goodman
before today's match...Copy !req
1096. and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.Copy !req
1097. Right you are.
And the stage is set...Copy !req
1098. for Darwin's cruelest play to unfold,
so don't go anywhere, folks.Copy !req
1099. The schadenfreude
is about to begin.Copy !req
1100. I don't understand.
Why would Peter leave?Copy !req
1101. 'Cause he knows we're gonna get killed
out there, that's why.Copy !req
1102. Hey, that's not true.
I don't know why Peter left...Copy !req
1103. but we can do this
without him.Copy !req
1104. We're just gonna have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.Copy !req
1105. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
1106. Great, but we'll still be
two players short.Copy !req
1107. We're still missin' the teenage love puppy
and Steve the Pirate.Copy !req
1108. Who's "Steve the Pirate"?Copy !req
1109. The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.Copy !req
1110. Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?Copy !req
1111. And now, let's hear it for...Copy !req
1112. the West Davenport High School
Charging Donkeys!Copy !req
1113. Donkeys! Whoo!Copy !req
1114. Donkeys!Copy !req
1115. - Wow! We did it!
- Holy cow!Copy !req
1116. Oh, it was perfect.
You were perfect.Copy !req
1117. - Oh, God! I gotta go!
- Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you
gonna stay for the trophy?Copy !req
1118. I'm sorry, Amber.
I got my own trophy to win.Copy !req
1119. Now I'm goin'.Copy !req
1120. And here come the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras, led by White Goodman, all business.Copy !req
1121. We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.Copy !req
1122. They still haven't made it to the court.
It could be a psychological ploy—Copy !req
1123. - or perhaps something worse.
- They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.Copy !req
1124. - Their absence is noticeable.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1125. And we'll be right back after
these words from our sponsor.Copy !req
1126. Can I get a bottle of water?Copy !req
1127. Aren't you Peter La Fleur?Copy !req
1128. - Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.Copy !req
1129. - Really?
- Yeah. I've been watchin' the dodgeball
tournament on the Ocho.Copy !req
1130. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it.Copy !req
1131. But good luck on the tournament. I'm pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.Copy !req
1132. I think you better hurry up,
or you're gonna be late.Copy !req
1133. Uh— Actually, I decided to quit,
Lance.Copy !req
1134. Quit? You know, once I was thinkin'
about quittin'...Copy !req
1135. when I was diagnosed with brain,
lung and testicular cancer...Copy !req
1136. all at the same time.Copy !req
1137. But with the love and support of my
friends and family, I got back on the bike...Copy !req
1138. and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.Copy !req
1139. But I'm sure you have
a good reason to quit.Copy !req
1140. So what are you dyin' from
that's keepin' you from the finals?Copy !req
1141. Right now, it feels a little bit like...
shame.Copy !req
1142. Well, I guess if a person never
quit when the going got tough...Copy !req
1143. they wouldn't have anything
to regret for the rest of their life.Copy !req
1144. But good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.Copy !req
1145. Steve? Steve the Pirate.
"Scurvy!"Copy !req
1146. No. Not ringin' any bells.Copy !req
1147. - Forget it, man.
- Please. We'll play with four people.Copy !req
1148. It's not an advantage!
Can't you bend the rules just this once?Copy !req
1149. There's nothing I can do!
Rules are rules.Copy !req
1150. You don't have enough players. Inform
the committee and Mr. Goodman...Copy !req
1151. - about Average Joe's forfeit.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1152. Better luck next year.Copy !req
1153. Excuse me!
Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
1154. You won't believe what just happened
to me, though.Copy !req
1155. - Hey, guys. What's up?
- You're just in time to help us forfeit.Copy !req
1156. Forfeit? Why?Copy !req
1157. Well, I-I don't know
what to tell you, but—Copy !req
1158. yes— no— I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players...Copy !req
1159. and will be forfeiting
the championship match.Copy !req
1160. It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for them.Copy !req
1161. To the tournament floor we go for the scepter
presentation from the dodgeball chancellor.Copy !req
1162. Ladies and gentlemen!Copy !req
1163. By the power vested in me
by our governing body...Copy !req
1164. the American Dodgeball
Association of America...Copy !req
1165. and in concordance
with our sponsors...Copy !req
1166. Lumber Liquidators
and Omaha Steaks...Copy !req
1167. it gives me great pleasure
to declare the winner of this year's...Copy !req
1168. Las Vegas International
Tournament to be—Copy !req
1169. Wait! He's here!Copy !req
1170. Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
1171. - I'm ready to play, Your Honor.
- Too late, La Fleur.Copy !req
1172. Your lovable band of
losers already forfeited.Copy !req
1173. - The trophy and the money are mine.
- He's right.Copy !req
1174. Your team has already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.Copy !req
1175. Facial, La Fleur! Total facial!Copy !req
1176. Actually, that's not true.Copy !req
1177. The Tournament Committee can overturn
the chancellor's decision— that's you, sir—Copy !req
1178. - by a two-thirds vote.
- No, he's right. He's right.Copy !req
1179. - What?
- Yeah. So it's a bylaw. It's a— Give it—Copy !req
1180. Will you— It's a bylaw!Copy !req
1181. - What's a "bylaw?"
- Hang on a second here, folks.Copy !req
1182. - Let them play!
- We might just have a championship game yet!Copy !req
1183. Listen to this crowd!Copy !req
1184. Unbelievable! Well, Pepper, it's clear
what the crowd here wants.Copy !req
1185. But the committee members
have the final say.Copy !req
1186. And it looks like
they've come to a decision.Copy !req
1187. - Let them play! Let them play!
- Joe's needs two yes votes to play—Copy !req
1188. There's one thumbs-up.Copy !req
1189. - Good news for Joe's.
- Oh! Oh, please.Copy !req
1190. Let's see how our
second judge votes.Copy !req
1191. - Thank you for a little sanity.
- Oh, tough sledding! It's all even.Copy !req
1192. Their fate hangs on the thumb
of our final judge.Copy !req
1193. Thumbs up!
Average Joe's can play!Copy !req
1194. That is pure poppycock!
You're gonna let them do that?Copy !req
1195. - Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.Copy !req
1196. All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match!Copy !req
1197. Good luck, White.Copy !req
1198. Cram it up your cramhole,
La Fleur.Copy !req
1199. Prepare to be humiliated
on cable television.Copy !req
1200. Whatever.Copy !req
1201. - Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.Copy !req
1202. What? I got a plan.Copy !req
1203. Okay, guys. Let's play smart.
Wait for your two-on-ones.Copy !req
1204. Cover closely for your pickups.
What's our team motto?Copy !req
1205. - Aim low?
- That's right.Copy !req
1206. All I'm asking is that
your give it your best for Patches.Copy !req
1207. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.Copy !req
1208. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?Copy !req
1209. - Put 'em in. One, two, three—
- Joe's!Copy !req
1210. Globo Gym ready!Copy !req
1211. Average Joe's ready!Copy !req
1212. - Dodgeball!
- The championship match is underway.Copy !req
1213. Average Joe's versus
the Globo Gym goliath.Copy !req
1214. Ooh! Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.Copy !req
1215. White Goodman's hit!
The ball goes up for grabs, and...Copy !req
1216. - it's caught!
- That's a catch!
- You're out, La Fleur!Copy !req
1217. Peter La Fleur has got to sit out, and
Joe's has lost their two best players early.Copy !req
1218. Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome!Copy !req
1219. You're mine next time!Copy !req
1220. - Hyah!
- Oh! Right in the tokhes.Copy !req
1221. Two-one, ese,
and Globo Gym is dominating.Copy !req
1222. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
1223. - You're out! You're out!
- I don't know what that was all about.Copy !req
1224. But it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.Copy !req
1225. Joe's gets an elimination.
It's two on three.Copy !req
1226. - Get out!
- Gordo!Copy !req
1227. Lose your temper, Gordo. Get mad!Copy !req
1228. White Goodman with a catch! Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.Copy !req
1229. Whoo! You're out, four-eyes!Copy !req
1230. It's all up to Average Joe's
youngest member.Copy !req
1231. - He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
- Yeah, word, Cotton.Copy !req
1232. Four Cobras and one Joe.Copy !req
1233. Even a rabid mongoose wouldn't have
a chance now— Oh! Nice dodge!Copy !req
1234. - Stay alive! Stay alive! Stay alive!
- Catch one!Copy !req
1235. They're just toying
with the young man now.Copy !req
1236. He's got to avoid getting hit here, Cotton.Copy !req
1237. - That's the key.
- Justin, let's go, let's go.Copy !req
1238. Oh! That's a great catch! And another!Copy !req
1239. Peter La Fleur comes back
into the game!Copy !req
1240. Just like that,
a three-player swing.Copy !req
1241. - Joe's isn't done yet.
- Justin!Copy !req
1242. - I love you!
- I love you t—Copy !req
1243. Joanie Loves Chachi!Copy !req
1244. Two players left on each side.
What a match.Copy !req
1245. What a sport! Throw out the rule book,
folks. It's down and dirty now.Copy !req
1246. Street dodgeball.Copy !req
1247. Look out! La Fleur goes down.
He's a sitting duck!Copy !req
1248. Noooo!Copy !req
1249. How about that, folks? Kate Veatch
takes the dodgeball bullet for Peter La Fleur.Copy !req
1250. Now, that's sacrifice!Copy !req
1251. As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.Copy !req
1252. - Hey!
- Oh, a blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.Copy !req
1253. That's court misconduct! That's a warning!Copy !req
1254. Oh, come on!
Gimme a break!Copy !req
1255. - You okay? Jesus.
- Yeah. I'm fine.Copy !req
1256. - Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right. I'm all right.Copy !req
1257. - It was an accident! Come on!
I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.Copy !req
1258. We're sweating like greased monkeys
out here! I can't hold on to a ball.Copy !req
1259. - Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You got to get off the court.
- Right.Copy !req
1260. - Watch him, man! Come on.
- Hey, Peter!Copy !req
1261. - Yeah?
- Kick his ass.Copy !req
1262. - Here comes the in-game restart.
- Players, to your positions!Copy !req
1263. Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a ménage à trois of pain.Copy !req
1264. Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.Copy !req
1265. You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.Copy !req
1266. Ready? Dodgeball!Copy !req
1267. It's a cat-and-mouse game,
folks. Peter La Fleur...Copy !req
1268. has got to wait for his shot.Copy !req
1269. He gets the elimination!Copy !req
1270. Oh, my! Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.Copy !req
1271. Average Joe's has
come all this way for nothing.Copy !req
1272. - Absolutely nothing.
- They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.Copy !req
1273. No elimination! Double fault!Copy !req
1274. Double fault! You stepped
over the line on the throw!Copy !req
1275. - Double fault!
- What?Copy !req
1276. You out of your mind?
That is the worst call I have ever seen!Copy !req
1277. I'm out here bustin' my butt, and you
come in here with a bush-league call like that?Copy !req
1278. - That is total bullcrap!
- A.D.A.A. continuation rule 113-D, sir.Copy !req
1279. - Sudden death!
- All right! Bring it!Copy !req
1280. I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death!Copy !req
1281. Well, let me tell ya.
A double-fault final play elimination...Copy !req
1282. hasn't occurred since
the Helsinki episode of 1919.Copy !req
1283. And I think we all remember
how that turned out.Copy !req
1284. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness
the greatest happening in sport.Copy !req
1285. Sudden-death dodgeball.Copy !req
1286. - Pepper needs new shorts!
- Oh!Copy !req
1287. White, Peter—
this is sudden death.Copy !req
1288. Only striking an opposing
player eliminates him.Copy !req
1289. Catching the ball does nothing.Copy !req
1290. Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.Copy !req
1291. You may throw anytime
after my call.Copy !req
1292. Understood?Copy !req
1293. Okay. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.Copy !req
1294. This is it, "La Loser."Copy !req
1295. You ready for the—
whoo— hurricane?Copy !req
1296. Just don't go cryin' to mama when I spank you
in front of all these people, White.Copy !req
1297. You don't go cryin'
to your daddy...Copy !req
1298. after I wipe it up
with your face.Copy !req
1299. - Uh, White?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1300. You look awful fat
in those pants.Copy !req
1301. Players to your positions!Copy !req
1302. Sudden death is all about
gamesmanship, folks. Throw too early...Copy !req
1303. and you're defenseless;
throw too late and you're eliminated.Copy !req
1304. Dilemma,
thy name is dodgeball.Copy !req
1305. This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.Copy !req
1306. "F"-in' "A", Cotton.
"F"-in' "A"!Copy !req
1307. Come on, talk to me.Copy !req
1308. Listen up, crotch stain.Copy !req
1309. Remember your training,
and trust your instincts.Copy !req
1310. You can do it!
I believe in you.Copy !req
1311. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1312. - Right.
- Players turn, and step in.Copy !req
1313. - What the hell's he doin'?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1314. - Get a load of this guy.
- In 23 years of broadcasting...Copy !req
1315. I thought I'd seen it all,
folks, but it looks like...Copy !req
1316. Peter La Fleur has
actually blindfolded himself.Copy !req
1317. Yeah, he will not be able
to see very well, Cotton.Copy !req
1318. Ready?Copy !req
1319. Dodgeball!Copy !req
1320. Good-bye, Peter.
I always knew you were weak.Copy !req
1321. Air Goodman, comin' at ya!Copy !req
1322. Down goes Goodman!
Down goes Goodman!Copy !req
1323. Winner! Average Joe's!Copy !req
1324. - Wow!
- Do you believe in unlikelihoods?Copy !req
1325. Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
and upsetting Globo Gym...Copy !req
1326. in the championship match.Copy !req
1327. - Unbelievable!
- Ladies and gentlemen, I have
been to the Great Wall of China.Copy !req
1328. I have seen the pyramids of Egypt. I've
even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel.Copy !req
1329. But never, in all my years
as a sportscaster...Copy !req
1330. have I witnessed something as improbable—
as impossible— as what we've witnessed today.Copy !req
1331. The little team that could—
Average Joe's Gymnasium...Copy !req
1332. underdogs throughout—
stand before us aglow...Copy !req
1333. As true dodgeball champions.Copy !req
1334. On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America...Copy !req
1335. it is my honor to present to you
this check of $50,000!Copy !req
1336. What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.Copy !req
1337. You signed your gym
over to me last night. Remember?Copy !req
1338. You lost. I won.
Suck failure, freaks.Copy !req
1339. Peter, is that true?Copy !req
1340. Yeah, it's true. It's true I sold
Average Joe's to White.Copy !req
1341. It's true that
every man has his price.Copy !req
1342. And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.Copy !req
1343. - Now he's a "philosophizer".
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.Copy !req
1344. Here are your winnings,
Mr. La Fleur. Congratulations.Copy !req
1345. - Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you, boys.
- What is that? Who is that?Copy !req
1346. - Wh-What winnings? What is that?
- Gosh, I forgot to tell you.Copy !req
1347. I took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me
last night and I put it on us to win.Copy !req
1348. We were goin' off at 50-to-1. Anyone? Top
of your head? What's 50 times $100,000?Copy !req
1349. - $50,000?
- Five million dollars! Peter, are you kidding me?Copy !req
1350. Surprise!Copy !req
1351. Stick it in your ear, La Fleur.
I wouldn't sell you your gym back...Copy !req
1352. for all of King Midas's silver.Copy !req
1353. The gym is mine!
So you can take your band...Copy !req
1354. of yellow-bellied losers
and crawl out of here.Copy !req
1355. You're right. I can't make you sell
Average Joe's back to me, so...Copy !req
1356. I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.Copy !req
1357. Say, uh, the controlling
stake of Globo Gym.Copy !req
1358. That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.Copy !req
1359. Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company,
there is nothing you can do about it.Copy !req
1360. So, I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns...Copy !req
1361. which, as of last night,
is Average Joe's Gym!Copy !req
1362. - I'm your new boss, White.
- You can't be my boss!Copy !req
1363. Nobody's my boss. I'm my own boss!
I created myself!Copy !req
1364. - You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me!Copy !req
1365. You're goin' down, La Fleur.
You're going down like a sweet muffin!Copy !req
1366. - Another time. Another time.
- You suck, La Fleur!Copy !req
1367. Give me that!Copy !req
1368. - I mean, the blindfold was crazy.
- Hey, hey.Copy !req
1369. Peter.Copy !req
1370. Look, it's Steve the Pirate.Copy !req
1371. - Wow.
- I just wanted to tell you...Copy !req
1372. that I thought about
what you said...Copy !req
1373. and...
I guess you're right.Copy !req
1374. I'm not really a pirate.Copy !req
1375. I don't know, Steve.Copy !req
1376. I mean, if you're not a pirate, who the hell
am I gonna split all that buried treasure with?Copy !req
1377. Garr.Copy !req
1378. - Peter—
- Garr, Steve.Copy !req
1379. It's beautiful.
Hyah-hah!Copy !req
1380. We missed you.Copy !req
1381. - Hey, you.
- Hey, you.Copy !req
1382. - Joyce?
- Kate!Copy !req
1383. - What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an earlier flight.Copy !req
1384. - I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
- You are amazing.Copy !req
1385. - I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.Copy !req
1386. Hey! I'm not a lesbian.Copy !req
1387. You're not?Copy !req
1388. No. I'm bisexual.Copy !req
1389. Oh! Snap!Copy !req
1390. All right. Everybody?
Smile big.Copy !req
1391. Hi, I'm Peter La Fleur, owner
and operator of Average Joe's Gym.Copy !req
1392. And I'm here to tell ya,
you're perfect just the way you are.Copy !req
1393. But if you feel like losin' a few pounds,
gettin' healthier...Copy !req
1394. and makin' some good friends
in the process...Copy !req
1395. then Joe's is the place for you.Copy !req
1396. Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.Copy !req
1397. So come on down
and learn a great game...Copy !req
1398. the way it's supposed
to be played.Copy !req
1399. - Right, kids?
- Right!Copy !req
1400. Spare me.Copy !req
1401. I won that tournament.Copy !req
1402. Fuckin' Chuck Norris.Copy !req
1403. Yeah. Hope you're
all happy now.Copy !req
1404. Good guy wins, bad guy loses.Copy !req
1405. Big friggin' surprise.Copy !req
1406. I love happy endings.Copy !req
1407. You know, that's
the problem with...Copy !req
1408. the American cinema.Copy !req
1409. Can't handle any complexity in it.
You know?Copy !req
1410. "Don't make me think.
I just want to be entertained."Copy !req
1411. All right, fine.Copy !req
1412. Want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?Copy !req
1413. Check these boots out for size.Copy !req
1414. You happy?Copy !req
1415. Fatty make a funny?Copy !req