Dirty Work (1998)

1. - Hand it over.

2. Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

3. - I'm afraid I can't do that, Derek.

4. I'm just not sure you'll spend it on milk.

5. That's me, Mitch Weaver.

6. That's Sam, my lifelong best friend.

7. I never had a dad growing up,

8. so Sam's dad, Pops, tried to fill in a little.

9. He was a boxer, real tough guy.

10. - The most important thing to remember in life,

11. no matter where you go, no matter what you do,

12. don't take no crap from nobody.

13. I never liked the guy,

14. but he was right about not taking crap.

15. - Wow, my dad sure is great.

16. - Hey, do you know where he hides his guns?

17. Don't worry.

18. We just planted the guns in the bully's desk

19. so he'd get in trouble.

20. - It wasn't me!

21. Let me go!

22. They weren't mine!

23. We always did stuff like that

24. to get back at people who messed with us.

25. Like, there was this crossing guard

26. who used to grab all the kids' asses.

27. Back then, people weren't on the lookout for that kind of thing.

28. The only way to nail a guy like that,

29. was to catch him red-handed.

30. That's where the super glue came in.

31. - Hey, look everybody!

32. Crossing guard's grabbing eight-year-old's ass over here!

33. Look, everybody! Look!

34. Crossing guard's grabbing eight-year-old's ass over here!

35. And we really got back

36. at this ornery babysitter we didn't like.

37. After all these years,

38. this picture still makes me horny.

39. I mean, wistful!

40. It, it makes me wistful!

41. When I was 16,

42. the saddest event of my life occurred.

43. My mom died.

44. Everyone did their best to console me,

45. particularly Aunt Jenny.

46. It wasn't easy,

47. 'cause I'm not comfortable expressing my...

48. Whaddaya call them, emotions?

49. Anyways, I learned to express myself in other ways.

50. I started making little notes to myself.

51. - Note to self.

52. Remember, Aunt Jenny is your aunt.

53. In high school, I still

54. didn't take crap from anyone,

55. man or beast.

56. Like, this Doberman would always chase us.

57. So we borrowed my cousin's huge German Shepherd,

58. who also happens to be gay.

59. Taught that Doberman some humility.

60. Then there was this character we had to deal with.

61. She thought just because she was a meter maid,

62. that she had the right to go around,

63. giving everybody parking tickets.

64. That's where the popcorn came in handy.

65. As a matter of fact, we used food items a lot

66. to get back at people we didn't like.

67. - Hey, kid!

68. This is football team parking.

69. - No, it isn't.

70. Football team parking is in your mother.

71. To teach those football players a lesson,

72. we sent them a dozen of our specially prepared donuts.

73. Unfortunately, the cheerleaders ended up suffering too.

74. Boy, those were the days.

75. But then something happened.

76. I grew up.

77. - Okay, 132 High field Avenue in three minutes.

78. I can make it.

79. I can make it.

80. No.

81. No.

82. - Hi, there.

83. - So, thirty minutes or free, right?

84. And you took thirty-two minutes.

85. So close, and yet so far.

86. - Gimme a break, pal.

87. That free pizza comes out of my paycheck.

88. - Well, that doesn't seem fair, does it?

89. - So then, the guy says,

90. "If you want the money for this pizza,

91. you tell Aldo and the rest of those sweaty Italian fruits

92. to come down here and get it from me themselves."

93. And also, he started saying all these nasty things

94. about that Mussolini character.

95. - Mitch, the guy called.

96. I know you didn't make it on time.

97. - Look, Aldo, none of the other pizza places

98. have the thirty minute thing anymore.

99. Can't we drop it, too?

100. You think we should drop the thirty minute guarantee?

101. - Yeah.

102. - You think Aldo's should be just like all the others?

103. Mitch Weaver, you're not fit to wear this shirt.

104. - Hey.

105. - Hey, that's my Canadians jersey!

106. - You have anything in a 10½ wide?

107. - Toni-Ann, what are you doing?

108. - I've had it. Uncle Aldo called.

109. He told me he fired you.

110. That's your fourteenth job in the past three months!

111. I can't take it anymore!

112. - Hey, honey, I understand you're upset.

113. Hey, maybe you'd feel better after we have some dirty sex.

114. - Forget it!

115. I'm through wasting my life with you.

116. Goodbye!

117. - What about the rest of my stuff?

118. - Your stuff?

119. There is no, "your stuff".

120. I have paid for everything in this apartment.

121. - Hey, wait a minute.

122. That's not true.

123. I paid for the popcorn machine.

124. - 'Sup, fruity?

125. - Hey, ass-bite.

126. - So, by the looks of this popcorn machine,

127. I'm guessing she tossed you out for good?

128. - Yep.

129. - I passed your car back there.

130. It's a pretty nasty flat, but I think I can fix it.

131. Thanks, Sam. Listen, I was wondering,

132. could I crash with you and your dad for a while?

133. - No, I'm gonna turn away my best friend

134. so he's gotta go sleep in his car.

135. Come on.

136. - Hey! Hey, that's my shirt!

137. Hey, you're wearing my shirt!

138. Here.

139. Here you go. - No, no.

140. No, that's all right.

141. I was talking to somebody else, that's different than you.

142. Two, three, and straight up.

143. Press those knees straight.

144. And again. Take it down.

145. Two, three, and lift it.

146. Up. Good.

147. And again. Press down.

148. - Hey, Pops, how you doin'?

149. Pretty good, son. Pretty good.

150. But it'd be going a lot better if you'd brought me a whore!

151. I thought you couldn't, yunno...

152. I can't, but...

153. I subscribed to this new magazine, it gave me a few ideas.

154. There's an article in here about home stereo equipment, too.

155. It's for you. - That's great.

156. Listen, I'll be right back,

157. all right? - Yeah. Yeah.

158. - Hey listen, Mitch,

159. could you do me a favor?

160. - Sam, I'm not gonna buy your dad a whore.

161. - Not that.

162. Could you stay with him for a while?

163. What's the matter?

164. - Sam, you know how I feel about your father.

165. I'm uncomfortable around him.

166. I mean, he's kinda, I dunno...

167. creepy, yunno?

168. He creeps the hell outta me, to tell you the truth.

169. - Yeah well, he likes you.

170. Yeah, alright, just look,

171. I gotta go call somebody to borrow a jack, alright?

172. So just stay with him for a while.

173. - All right.

174. You feeling okay, Mr. McKenna?

175. Hey, don't worry about me.

176. Yunno, I just want to thank you

177. for spending a little time with me, yunno?

178. - Well, no problem. - Yeah, yeah.

179. I also wanna say I'm sorry.

180. - Sorry for what?

181. Well, for being a, creepy old man.

182. I apologize, you rat bastard!

183. You'd say those things about me?

184. - Pops, Pops, Pops!

185. Come on, let go!

186. - Get outta here, Sam!

187. - Get the hell out of here! - Let go!

188. - I'll kill this bastard! - Come on. Let go.

189. - I can still hear, you know. - Let go! Let go!

190. - No matter how creepy I look!

191. - It's Mitch! Let go!

192. Alright, take him.

193. Everything's just falling apart.

194. Sam, you remember how things were when we were young?

195. - Yeah, it was great.

196. - Yeah, it was.

197. I mean, I felt good about myself back then, yunno?

198. If somebody messed with me, no problem.

199. I didn't take crap from anybody.

200. Now I'm in my thirties,

201. I can't hold a job.

202. I go out with women I don't even like.

203. And worst of all,

204. I take crap from absolutely everybody.

205. Yeah well, things could be worse, yunno.

206. I...

207. I coulda got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!

208. - You bastard!

209. - Hey, I'm just messing with you, Jimmy.

210. I saw you down there.

211. Hey Mazetti, get Jimmy a beer on me.

212. - Okay. Sorry.

213. - Wow, look at her.

214. Yeah, she's all yours, buddy.

215. Go get her.

216. - Hi, how you doing?

217. I'm Sam. Sam McKenna.

218. I live with my dad.

219. Well, it appears Travis Cole,

220. has bailed out the city once again,

221. coming up with the necessary funding

222. to save the Chelsea Opera House.

223. - How could a man of my position not step in

224. and do his civic duty?

225. That opera house is part of this city's heritage.

226. So, heck yes, I'm gonna keep it up and running.

227. I love this city.

228. And as we all know, I love opera.

229. Right, Spunky?

230. - Wow, a guy like Travis Cole has a great life.

231. - Why? Just because he's rich?

232. - No, because he doesn't take crap from anybody.

233. There's two kinds of people in this world,

234. those who get stomped on, and those who do the stomping.

235. - Where'd you come up with that theory?

236. - That famous guy said it.

237. What's his name?

238. Yeah. Jesus.

239. Hi, I'm Mitch.

240. - Hello, Mitch.

241. - Maybe later, you'll drop by the house.

242. You know, check out the hot tub?

243. - Hey pal, beat it!

244. - Why don't you beat it?

245. - The lady obviously isn't interested in you, jerkoff,

246. so just get lost!

247. - Maybe we should let the lady decide.

248. - I think you should fight it out.

249. - Good idea. - Great idea!

250. - Brilliant idea. - I love the idea!

251. - I wanna take the idea home

252. and lick it up and down all night long,

253. giving it orgasm after mind-blowing orgasm.

254. - Lets just fight, weirdo.

255. - Terry, Jack, Mike! - No.

256. My dumb friend needs me.

257. I gotta go.

258. Well, Mitch, looks like we got ourselves a fight?

259. - Great, it's fighting time.

260. Can I be on their side?

261. - Looks like there's gonna be a brawl.

262. You playing something good?

263. Hell, yeah!

264. Rolling Stones, "Street Fighting Man"!

265. G-7!

266. - You just hit G-8.

267. - Bring it on!

268. - Hey, how come you get a pool cue?

269. - Come on! You fell right into my trap!

270. - Sammy, bite 'em!

271. Bite 'em in the nose!

272. - Note to self.

273. Learn to fight.

274. - Mitch, I just wanna go over there

275. and rip their heads off, every one of 'em.

276. - Yeah, yeah, that would probably work, too,

277. since they're so tired from beating us mercilessly.

278. But since we rented the cop uniforms,

279. let's just try it my way, all right?

280. Hey, dude, what's up?

281. - Yo Neil, is that you?

282. - Yeah, yeah, it's me...

283. Neil.

284. - Hey, it's Jason, man.

285. We just got back from layin' a beating on these guys.

286. I mean, we messed them up good!

287. - Listen—

288. - And the whole time this guy's just lying there,

289. crying like a little girl.

290. Wait, I'll get Terry. - No, don't get Terry!

291. I mean...

292. I mean, look, the reason I'm calling is this.

293. There's all these guys going around

294. to the different frat houses,

295. pretending to be cops,

296. but they're not real cops.

297. They're fake cops.

298. They just robbed a bunch of stuff from the Delta Psi house.

299. So, don't be fooled, okay?

300. Sure thing, dude. Thanks for calling.

301. - Okay, no problem there, dude.

302. Now you go back to doing something latently

303. homoerotic, alright?

304. - Hello, real cops?

305. Yes, I'd like to register a complaint.

306. - All right, fellas,

307. we got a little complaint about the noise.

308. - Whatever you say, Officer.

309. Officer down! We need backup!

310. Come on!

311. - Okay, we'll take care of these two.

312. - Thanks, boys. - You got it.

313. - Hey, frat sisters, remember us?

314. I'll take this one.

315. I'll take the next one.

316. - All right, man.

317. Hey, Mr. McKenna,

318. I'm gonna put the volume down

319. on your hardcore porno, alright?

320. - Go to hell!

321. - Hey Sam, that felt great, man,

322. getting back at those guys tonight.

323. - I gotta admit it.

324. That was brilliant, what you did.

325. I mean, you are the king of revenge.

326. - Pipe down!

327. I'm tryna' watch these broads dyke out.

328. - Hey, you want another beer? - Yeah.

329. - Hey, Mitch, you wanna come over here?

330. - I'm not falling for that one again.

331. - Nah, I think I'm having a heart attack.

332. - Not gonna work.

333. - If you don't believe me,

334. at least hit that fast forward button, will ya?

335. So the last thing I see on Earth,

336. isn't that, that sweaty guy's reaction shot!

337. - Listen, I'm gonna let him sleep, all right?

338. Could you stay with him for a while,

339. while I go find the doctor?

340. - Yeah, sure. - Thanks, man.

341. - Mitch. - Hey, Mr. McKenna.

342. Um, listen, I'm really sorry

343. about not hitting the fast forward button for ya.

344. I'm gonna go get Sam.

345. - No, no, no. Hold on.

346. There's something I wanna tell you.

347. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna find Sam.

348. - Mitch, sit your ass down!

349. Look, it's kind of embarrassing,

350. being physically afraid of a 100-year-old man

351. who just had a coronary.

352. So, could we hurry this up a bit?

353. - Look, I'm not doing too well, so knowing that,

354. I, I think I'd better tell you this now.

355. - Tell me what?

356. - Mitch, I'm your father.

357. - Look, you must be delirious or something,

358. because you're not my father.

359. I, I dunno who my father is, but it's not you.

360. - Here, here, here, Mitch.

361. Take a look at the picture in this locket.

362. - Holy Lord!

363. That's, that's a picture of you and my mom,

364. and you're having sex!

365. God, why would you show me that?

366. - I'm sorry, son.

367. It's just that I figured you'd never believe me

368. unless I showed you that picture.

369. I loved your mother as a friend,

370. but, it wasn't true love,

371. and we both knew it.

372. Besides, back then,

373. they didn't have these fancy birth-control methods.

374. Like, like, like pulling out!

375. God!

376. Stop saying dirty stuff for a second, would ya?

377. Look, look, does Sam know about this?

378. - No, and I don't want you to tell him.

379. - Why not?

380. - Well, I don't want him to feel he's been lied to

381. his entire life.

382. Down deep, he's very sensitive.

383. Promise me you won't tell him.

384. - Promise you?

385. I can't promise you.

386. Look, Sam's got a right to know.

387. I'm gonna tell him.

388. - Hello, I'm Dr. Farthing.

389. Are you Mr. McKenna's son?

390. - I gotta talk to Sam.

391. - Mitch, don't tell him!

392. Don't you tell him, Mitch!

393. - Now, let me ask you,

394. are you a betting man?

395. I don't know. Sure.

396. - Well, if someone were taking bets

397. on your father's bout with death,

398. I'd bet everything I own on death.

399. It's a good bet,

400. And the odds are he'll probably die.

401. - Couldn't you have prepared him a little for that?

402. Well...

403. Kinda thought I did with that little betting analogy.

404. - Look, what is wrong with my dad?

405. Your dad.

406. Well, in a nutshell,

407. your dad needs a heart transplant,

408. and because of his age,

409. he's low-priority on the donors list.

410. Tell me, was your father a famous athlete or a rock star?

411. - No, he was a boxer,

412. but, but he wasn't famous.

413. - Sorry, no heart there.

414. But

415. for $600, I

416. I could sell you a fully adjustable hospital bed.

417. - Are you crazy?

418. I don't need a bed.

419. - Playing hardball, are you?

420. Okay, $550.

421. - Look, I don't have to sit here and listen to this!

422. all right? - No, no, no.

423. Wait, wait, wait.

424. - I can't believe this is happening!

425. - No, no, no. Wait, wait.

426. Where you going?

427. Hey, your friend's leaving with... I...

428. Come back here.

429. I can help him. I can help him.

430. Please.

431. Come back. Sit down.

432. I'm sorry, but I'm, I'm a compulsive gambler.

433. Now, I...

434. I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself.

435. Well, I don't know.

436. Maybe the Buffalo Bills or the Boston Red Sox

437. or Mr. T or the Jets.

438. - Wait a minute. Mr. T?

439. Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in ROCKY III

440. and that you bet against Rocky?

441. - Hindsight is 20/20, my friend.

442. The point is, I'm in trouble.

443. Deep trouble, which could be good for Mr. McKenna's father.

444. You see, there is a way I can get his name bumped

445. to the top of the list,

446. and he can get his heart.

447. - How?

448. If you pay me $50,000.

449. - Did you say $50,000?

450. - No! I whispered $50,000.

451. And I need it in two weeks.

452. Look, this is awful,

453. but I've given these bookies practically everything I have.

454. - You know, when I was young,

455. my mom used to tell me that the lights we see in the sky,

456. are from stars that burned out millions of years ago.

457. It's like life, yunno?

458. I mean, something can be one way,

459. you think all your life, and then,

460. in reality, it's completely different.

461. - Yeah.

462. Hey, I'm gonna kill you, asshole!

463. - Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building?

464. Sort of.

465. You know, Mitch,

466. I, I'm just going crazy here over Pops.

467. I mean, he's gonna die!

468. - He's not gonna die.

469. You're gonna get the money,

470. you're gonna get him a heart.

471. - $50,000 in two weeks? Come on.

472. My sister Carol said she'd send me about two grand.

473. Where am I gonna get the rest?

474. - Well, what're you gonna do, not try?

475. - Of course, I'm gonna try.

476. All right, all right, what if...

477. What if I got a job?

478. Maybe I could pay this guy off in installments.

479. - Yes, now you're talking,

480. and I'm gonna help you every step of the way.

481. - Thanks, buddy.

482. - You little bastards!

483. - Man, that was a hell of a piss.

484. - Would you just look at the help-wanted section?

485. - Hang on.

486. I'm looking at the buy-and-sell ads.

487. Maybe we can sell something.

488. - Just look for a job.

489. All right, all right.

490. - Heh-hey, movie line coming up.

491. How's that lookin', baby?

492. He was supposed to keep driving.

493. - To start with,

494. the bottom stair is a round-over.

495. It does a 180 into the newel post.

496. The banister has a

497. and it dives into the inside face of the newel post.

498. 90-degree easement, see, that's...

499. That's gonna be a problem.

500. - What's the problem?

501. - Well, we lied on our resume.

502. We know nothing about construction.

503. - When is lunch?

504. - You're fired.

505. - Okay, we gotta find jobs where we don't have to know anything.

506. - Hey, here's a 1-900 number that says it's hiring.

507. - I dunno, 1-900 number?

508. - Yeah, come on.

509. It's probably a sports line.

510. - All right, as long as it's not gay phone sex.

511. Okay, Mr. Now I am rubbing your ass.

512. Yes, you have a nice ass.

513. How many times do I have to tell you?

514. You have a nice ass!

515. I mean, I'm rubbin' it, aren't I?

516. You're doing what?

517. That's great, yeah.

518. Okay, I gotta go.

519. Hey, ass-bite, you sure this is such a good idea?

520. - Hell, yeah.

521. It's fifty bucks for eating brownies.

522. - They are safe,

523. but there is a chance of some side effects,

524. including mild itching, nausea, chills, hallucinations,

525. and rashes.

526. - These are good.

527. Ain't they good?

528. Hey, I think I feel a slight itch.

529. No, maybe not.

530. Could be my imagination.

531. - We eat the pig, and then together, we burn!

532. Burn!

533. - What'choo talkin' 'bout, Satan?

534. - Come with me!

535. You belong with me!

536. Burn! Burn!

537. The hell with that job.

538. Who wants to be itchy anyway?

539. All right, all right, all right.

540. Everybody line up?

541. Line up. Don't be dummies. Just get in line.

542. That's fine.

543. Gentlemen, members of the national office,

544. are coming here tonight

545. for their annual inspection of this theater.

546. Right now, I'm going to explain to you my managing style

547. for the benefit of the new guys.

548. So there you are, tubby.

549. You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day.

550. You baby gorilla,

551. why don't you work a zoo and stop bothering people?

552. Got a call yesterday from Baskin-Robbins.

553. They said that they're down to only five flavors.

554. You're swelling up as I talk to ya.

555. Look at you.

556. How's this? How's it doing?

557. Hello, ice cream! Having a good time?

558. Running around?

559. (Hamilton mimicking

560. What're you laughin' at?

561. 'Cause I called your friend a fat pig, heh?

562. You think that's funny?

563. No. I was just laughing earlier

564. when you were talking to his belly.

565. - Why don't you get a horse

566. and live in the mountains someplace,

567. and don't bother anybody?

568. Got a personality like a dead moth.

569. Okay, the fun's over.

570. Anybody messes this thing up for me tonight is through.

571. Not only are you fired,

572. your life is over.

573. I'll see to it that you never work again

574. and that you wind up tearing tickets off in Kuwait.

575. And everybody's sucking sand.

576. Nobody messes up.

577. You understand me?

578. Don't mess up!

579. - That guy's gonna be our boss?

580. Man, after a speech like that,

581. how does he expect us not to screw him over?

582. - Yeah.

583. - Every one of us said the exact same thing,

584. our first day working for Hamilton,

585. only nobody ever does anything.

586. - Well, trust me, this isn't just talk.

587. Nobody screws me over like that.

588. - Yeah, me neither.

589. - Hey, I can't help you 'cause I need this job.

590. But if you really screw over Hamilton,

591. I'll give you ten bucks.

592. Mark me down for twenty.

593. - Mr. Witherspoon.

594. - Class operation, Hamilton.

595. Good job.

596. - Thank you, sir.

597. Let me get you some refreshments.

598. Okay, we're all set.

599. One, two, three, look away!

600. Look, an alien.

601. Yeah, we better have sex with each other.

602. - Note to self.

603. Sam just looked at the gay porn.

604. - No, I didn't!

605. I was just making sure that the reel hasn't been...

606. Hey, this alien looks just like a hot guy.

607. - You're right. - We better have sex with him.

608. - Gimme that!

609. Took you long enough, you dummy.

610. - Hamilton, you're through.

611. - Dude, that was amazing.

612. You should do that stuff for a living.

613. - Sam, tonight we make a wad of cash

614. for doing something that comes natural to us.

615. You know? Revenge.

616. I'm telling you, we should open a revenge-for-hire business.

617. - I never heard of a revenge-for-hire business.

618. - Exactly, we'd be the first.

619. With every genius business idea,

620. there's gotta be a first.

621. Like, like the guy who first thought

622. of delivering pizza to people's houses,

623. or the guy who invented crack.

624. - Who's gonna hire us?

625. Sam, I have a feeling

626. that people are gonna pay us a lot of money

627. to do their dirty work.

628. - Okay, I want to get a few things straight here.

629. As long as the rent's on time,

630. you don't wreck the place,

631. we're okay.

632. If not,

633. I punch you in the stomach, okay?

634. If that ever comes up,

635. that's Sam's department.

636. Yeah, that's my department.

637. - Good.

638. Well, good luck, chief. - Thanks.

639. Mildred!

640. Hey, Mildred!

641. Mildred, wait up.

642. - Hi, Mitch. - Hi, Mildred.

643. - I guess you forgot my name.

644. It's not Mildred. It's Kathy.

645. - No. - I didn't forget.

646. You never told me, so I just guessed.

647. That's a novel approach.

648. So, how'd the big fight with those fraternity guys turn out?

649. - We kicked their ass!

650. I was punching at one guy, and

651. then I was kicking this other guy.

652. I threw this one dude right through a plate glass window.

653. - Really? - Yeah. Well, sort of,

654. except the exact opposite.

655. - Don't you think it's kinda silly

656. for grown men to fight?

657. - What? Are you kidding?

658. Did you ever see that movie KICKBOXER?

659. They're all grown men.

660. So, where are we going? Like, your apartment or something, now?

661. - I'm going back to work.

662. - Where do you work?

663. - Right there.

664. - Phillips Motors?

665. What are you? A dirty car salesman?

666. - No. I'm a dirty accountant.

667. - Hey, Kathy!

668. Break's over, sweetheart!

669. Get your ass in here, now!

670. - Who's that dude?

671. - It's Anton Phillips, the owner.

672. - Does he always talk to you like that?

673. - Well, yeah.

674. But he's doing a live TV commercial from here tomorrow,

675. so he's even worse than usual.

676. Anyway, it was nice seeing you again, Mitch.

677. Live TV commercial.

678. Okay, settle down, prostitutes.

679. Now, understand that you each get $20,

680. and this requires no sex.

681. No sex at all,

682. regardless of what this character tells you.

683. The hell's the matter with you?

684. - What's the matter?

685. First we spend most of the money my sister sent us for Pops

686. on this office,

687. and now we're wasting the rest of it

688. so you can impress some girl?

689. - No. This isn't for her.

690. This is so we can get a free commercial for Dirty Work

691. on live television.

692. - And in five, four, three, two...

693. - Hello, everyone.

694. I'm Anton Phillips,

695. President of Phillips Motors.

696. We'll return in a moment to the Channel 11 movie matinee,

697. but I'm right here with you live,

698. to show you a great batch of luxury automobiles.

699. Like this one-year-old Cadillac Deville,

700. priced right at $36,000,

701. fully loaded.

702. V-8 engine, standard.

703. Shock-resistant CD player, standard.

704. - Hey, the trunk looks kind of small there, Anton.

705. - This is live! I'm on live T...

706. Trunk's fine.

707. As you can see, friend,

708. it's not small.

709. It's a big trunk.

710. I'll show you right here.

711. - Whoa! You got a dead hooker in the trunk.

712. - What? No!

713. It can't be. - Yes, it was.

714. It was a dead hooker. - It wasn't a dead hooker!

715. - Pal, I know a dead hooker when I see one.

716. - What's happening?

717. Hey, folks, come on-

718. - Hey, here's another dead hooker in this trunk.

719. What?

720. - My goodness! - What're you doing?

721. - I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life.

722. Lord knows I have.

723. - I can remember a time when—

724. - Hey, look. There's Mitch on TV.

725. - Yeah. - There's Mitch.

726. And there's the Saigon whore

727. that bit my nose off!

728. These are nice cars!

729. These are luxury automobiles.

730. I got a whole place...

731. They're fully loaded!

732. - They're loaded with dead hookers!

733. You're seeing things!

734. Don't shoot this.

735. This is not part of the commercial.

736. - Is some jerk making your life miserable?

737. You want revenge? Call 555-0187.

738. Let us do your dirty work!

739. - And we're clear.

740. - Wake up, slut!

741. Well, well, well.

742. We meet again, nose biter!

743. Time to pay the fiddler, whore!

744. - That was great, man.

745. Let's get outta here.

746. - Nurse, record vital signs, please.

747. - Doc, if that stethoscope is as freezing cold

748. as it was yesterday,

749. I'm gonna shove it right up your ass!

750. - Vital signs, normal.

751. - Hey, Pops!

752. - Sam, Mitch.

753. What are you two fruits up to?

754. You shoulda seen it, Pops.

755. We just did this cool thing on TV

756. that should really help our revenge business.

757. - Yeah, I think we really found our calling.

758. - Yeah, yunno, looking back,

759. I must have been about your age when I found my calling.

760. Yeah?

761. That's when you became a boxer?

762. - No, that's when I started working the stag films.

763. As a stunt cock.

764. Yeah, I got quite the long hog on me.

765. - I'm gonna go find Dr. Farthing.

766. Hey, look, Pops,

767. I gotta tell you something.

768. - What? - I've made up my mind.

769. I'm going to tell Sam.

770. Or not!

771. - Now, Mitch, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Sam.

772. - He might react badly. - My balls!

773. - And I wouldn't want anything to break up our relationship,

774. just before I die.

775. - Okay, I won't tell him!

776. I won't tell him! - Yeah.

777. Note to self.

778. Forget about fathering children.

779. - Any bleeding?

780. - Only when I sit down. - Ouch.

781. - Dr. Farthing, what happened to your arm?

782. - Well, I'm not sure.

783. It's either from sleeping on it the wrong way

784. or from bookmakers throwing me out of a speeding car.

785. Did you get the fifty grand?

786. - Not yet.

787. - Hey, if we get you some of the money in two weeks,

788. could we pay you the rest later in installments?

789. - No, no.

790. Well, there are nine days left.

791. Might I suggest kidnapping the child of a celebrity?

792. What? What?

793. I was just, like...

794. - Hey, hey, Kathy.

795. Hey, I'm glad to see you.

796. - Mitch, did you really think you were helping me

797. with that disgusting stunt in the car lot?

798. - Hey, maybe you don't realize it,

799. but that disgusting stunt,

800. was this idiot's way of saying he likes you.

801. I'm gonna go stand over there.

802. - Come on, the guy deserved it.

803. - Yeah, well, because of what you did,

804. Anton had to sell the dealership,

805. and now I'm out of a job.

806. Did I deserve that?

807. - No, but you shouldn't work for a guy

808. who treats you bad like that anyway.

809. - That is a decision for me to make, not you,

810. or this awful company of yours.

811. And putting prostitutes in the trunks of all those cars?

812. God, that is just so...

813. Hi, this message is for the Dirty Work guys

814. from that car dealership thing.

815. Yeah, my name is Ed Wilkins and,

816. and I'm having a problem with my next door neighbor.

817. - Wow, Mitch. Congratulations.

818. Now you're famous for being a jerk.

819. - Whoa, I wish some girl would look at me,

820. the way she looks at you.

821. - What are you talking about?

822. She hates me.

823. - No, she's mad at you.

824. There's a difference.

825. She's mad at you because she likes you so much.

826. - My problem is with these guys next door.

827. I mean, they drive around in their Porsche,

828. doing 90 miles an hour right where my kids play,

829. blasting their music,

830. and they have these loud, wild parties,

831. that are still going on when I get up for work.

832. - That sounds awful.

833. - It's unbearable.

834. It's unbearable to live next door to that house.

835. - Well, then we'll make it unbearable

836. to live in that house.

837. This oughta do the trick.

838. Mitch, this is brutal.

839. We hide these fish all over the house?

840. - And they'll stink for days.

841. Okay, let's go.

842. Come on, come on.

843. Nice place you got here.

844. - Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

845. You want it? Check it out.

846. - Looks good.

847. - What's the problem?

848. - Smells like fish in here.

849. - What is that?

850. Wha, what, is that some sort of signal?

851. Is that a signal?

852. - No. - You wearing a wire?

853. No, it really does smell like fish in here.

854. - You're a damn cop, ain't ya?

855. That's it.

856. Show these guys what we do to cops!

857. Say hello to the devil for me!

858. Behind you!

859. I've been hit!

860. Pablo, kill them!

861. Kill them!

862. Make your gun bark like the devil himself!

863. Burn in hell, you bastard!

864. Sweet Jesus, he got me!

865. Mark, over there! Grab it!

866. I use it to cut firewood!

867. Now you're killing me with a chainsaw!

868. He took away my chainsaw,

869. and now he's using it on me!

870. My God! Is that a hand grenade?

871. - Good Lord!

872. We gotta get outta here.

873. Will you come on?

874. - That's it!

875. This noise has got to stop!

876. My God.

877. I never asked you to do this.

878. - Hey, Ed. - Listen, we gotta go.

879. You think you could pay us now?

880. - Four hundred bucks, and we need $50,000 in six days?

881. We're not even close!

882. - I know we're not.

883. - Hey, there's a message.

884. Maybe it's a job.

885. Hey, fatso. Fatso!

886. It's me, Hamilton,

887. your boss from the movie theater.

888. I saw that TV commercial you made.

889. Fat, fat, fat.

890. When you sweat, marbles come off your ass.

891. - Hello? Dirty Work.

892. No, no, I can hear you fine.

893. It must be, your phone.

894. Sure, we'll be right over.

895. So this whole block is gonna become a parking lot

896. for the Chelsea Opera House?

897. - Yep, to make sure that none of Travis Cole's friends

898. have to park their Mercedes on the street.

899. I've lived in this house for 62 years,

900. and now the bulldozers are coming tomorrow.

901. - Wow, Mrs. Murphy, that's rough.

902. - This is a list of every government official and bureaucrat

903. who wouldn't help me save this house.

904. Now, boys, tell me.

905. Do you do castrations?

906. - Well, no, Mrs. Murphy.

907. - What about half-castrations?

908. I'd settle for one ball from each of 'em.

909. But,

910. how's that gonna save your house?

911. That's sweet.

912. But, the fight is over.

913. All I want now,

914. is some sort of vicious testicle-damaging revenge.

915. - You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

916. - No, no, no, no, I have a plan.

917. - What do you make of this?

918. - Well, either it's a trick

919. and we're walking into a huge ambush,

920. or this is the single dumbest act in the history of crime.

921. - How we gonna get outta here?

922. We can't make bail.

923. Pops is gonna die.

924. We're just gonna be left here to rot.

925. - Yeah, well, I'm not worried about the rotting right now.

926. I'm worried about the anal rape.

927. - Anal rape?

928. What're you talking about?

929. - What am I talking about?

930. We're in prison.

931. Prison. Anal rape.

932. - I never heard that.

933. - You never heard that?

934. How could you have never heard that?

935. That's what prisons are most famous for.

936. Anal rape.

937. - All right, let's go.

938. Not you, tubby.

939. - You sure you don't want him, too?

940. - The popcorn-in-the-bulldozer stunt,

941. was allegedly perpetrated by these two men,

942. Mitchell Weaver and Samuel McKenna.

943. But was this a dangerous act of mischief

944. or a heroic example of civil disobedience?

945. - Those two boys sure are heroes to me.

946. - If Mitch Weaver and Sam McKenna are heroes,

947. then who's the villain?

948. Many would say that would be the builder of the parking lot,

949. millionaire real estate mogul, Travis Cole.

950. Damn it. That looks bad.

951. We've gotta stop the hemorrhaging.

952. Martin, could you wait outside?

953. Yes, sir,

954. I'm sorry about what happened.

955. - It's all right, Martin.

956. It wasn't your fault.

957. By the end of the day,

958. I'd like Martin jobless, homeless, penniless, and...

959. hairless.

960. - You fellas have a lot of growing up to do,

961. I'll tell ya that.

962. Ridiculous!

963. Completely ridiculous.

964. Can you believe these characters?

965. Way outta line, way outta line!

966. I have a good mind to go to the warden about this.

967. You know, what hurts the most is the lack of respect,

968. yunno?

969. That's what hurts the most.

970. Except for the...

971. Except for the anal rape.

972. That hurts the most.

973. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.

974. Weaver, McKenna, you're free to go.

975. - Ridiculous!

976. - Well, first of all,

977. Mrs. Murphy is owed my deepest apologies

978. for the hardships she's unjustly suffered.

979. Secondly, all charges have been dropped

980. against Mr. Mitchell Weaver,

981. Mr. Samuel McKenna,

982. who are not criminals,

983. but heroes.

984. In fact,

985. right now all three of us are going out for popcorn.

986. Okay Spunky, you can come, too.

987. - Hey, I think he's got a thumb up that dog's ass.

988. - Gentlemen, if you're interested,

989. I think I have a job for you.

990. Mitch, Sam,

991. considering your recent exploits

992. as professional mischief makers,

993. I think you may be able to help me.

994. You see,

995. there's this small walk-up building I own

996. over at 99 Franklin Street.

997. It's low-income housing.

998. My way of giving back to the community.

999. But much to my chagrin,

1000. the criminal element has reared its ugly head

1001. in the form of drug dealers, gangs,

1002. even a house of prostitution.

1003. - I'm telling ya, he screws that dog.

1004. Why don't you just get the cops to get them out?

1005. - It's not that simple.

1006. As long as those criminals keep paying their rent on time,

1007. the police say I have no grounds to evict them.

1008. - Well, what do you want us to do?

1009. - What I want you to do is get the building condemned

1010. by any means necessary.

1011. That way everyone will be evicted.

1012. Legally.

1013. Then I'll fix it up,

1014. rent the apartments to honest, hard-working people.

1015. - I don't know.

1016. I mean, we've never done anything this big before.

1017. - Gentlemen, let me give you a minute to think it over.

1018. - I mean, Mitch, doesn't it seem like...

1019. - By the way, you're right.

1020. He's definitely screwing that dog.--

1021. Doesn't it seem like we're getting into something

1022. that's way over our heads here?

1023. - So, gentlemen, have you decided?

1024. - We'll do it,

1025. for $50,000.

1026. - Very well then, 50,000 it is.

1027. - Good news, Mr. McKenna.

1028. - All right boys, bring on the whore.

1029. - No, it's not a whore.

1030. We're gonna get you the $50,000

1031. for your heart transplant.

1032. - Well, that's good, too.

1033. But 50,000 buys a lot of poon.

1034. - Look, we'll get ya some poon.

1035. Good lord, that's a gross word coming out of an old man.

1036. Look, we'll get you some poon.

1037. But first, we're gonna get you a heart.

1038. - We don't have the heart money yet, Pops.

1039. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1040. But it's a sure thing. - Excuse me.

1041. Sam, can I have a word with you for a minute?

1042. - Sure. - Thank you.

1043. - Now, wait a minute.

1044. You didn't tell him, did you?

1045. No, no.

1046. Thanks.

1047. - But look, I still want to,

1048. and I can't promise you that I won't.

1049. - Just getting my photo album.

1050. What are you so jumpy about?

1051. - I don't know.

1052. Maybe it's your lifelong pattern of random assault.

1053. - Come here. Look at this.

1054. That's me fighting for the middleweight championship

1055. of the Golden Gloves.

1056. - That's me shaking hands with Dwight D. Eisenhower,

1057. President of the United States.

1058. My goodness!

1059. - That's your mom giving me a hummer.

1060. - Dah! Jeez!

1061. - No, I'm sorry.

1062. That's Sam's mom.

1063. Yeah. Irene.

1064. - No, all his blood levels are good.

1065. He should cut down on the finger foods.

1066. - Hey, Doc, what happened to your foot?

1067. - What I don't understand is,

1068. when you owe a bookie a lotta money

1069. and he, say, blows off one of your toes,

1070. you still owe him the money.

1071. Doesn't seem fair to me.

1072. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.

1073. - Well, look, Mitch says we'll have the money for you.

1074. Thank God.

1075. I mean, that's good news, Sam.

1076. - Listen, all we have to do is get the building condemned.

1077. We go in, we wreck the joint, Pops is saved.

1078. - Did you just call him Pops?

1079. - I don't, I dunno, why?

1080. - Nah, it's just that you always say Mr. McKenna.

1081. Or to me you say, "your dad."

1082. Hearing you call him Pops was kind of strange.

1083. - Fine. Fine.

1084. For the sake of not being strange,

1085. I won't call him Pops.

1086. I'll call him, that dirty rotten prick.

1087. Now let's go save that dirty rotten prick!

1088. - What havoc are you planning to wreak now?

1089. - Kathy, what are you doing here?

1090. - Um...

1091. Actually, I was looking for you.

1092. I saw how you and your friend saved that woman's house.

1093. Guess it turns out you can use your powers

1094. for good as well as evil.

1095. Um, I'm on my way to my grandmother's place.

1096. Do you wanna walk me?

1097. - Note to self.

1098. Mitch was right.

1099. No, he wasn't.

1100. - It's too late. It's already on tape.

1101. Anyways, I'm glad that you finally realized

1102. that you should never take crap from anybody.

1103. - Well...

1104. Look, there's my grandma.

1105. Hi, Grandma.

1106. Your grandmother lives here,

1107. at 99 Franklin Street? - Yep.

1108. Grandma, I'd like you to meet Mitch.

1109. - Hi, Mitch.

1110. Kathy's told me about you.

1111. You're a hero.

1112. Well, today I'm a hero.

1113. Tomorrow, who knows?

1114. You might both hate me.

1115. Girls, I'm over here.

1116. Excuse me, Mitch.

1117. It was nice meeting you.

1118. - Hey, are those prostitutes?

1119. I mean, who are those girls?

1120. - They work with my grandmother.

1121. She runs a business out of her apartment.

1122. Gosh.

1123. 60 years old and still going strong.

1124. - Yeah. Yeah, I bet she is.

1125. So, would you like to come in for some coffee?

1126. - No, no. - I have to go...

1127. lift weights.

1128. What?

1129. - Um...

1130. Okay, um, some other time maybe?

1131. - Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great.

1132. - Okay. Bye. - Bye.

1133. - So you mean to tell me

1134. that that sweet girl's grandmother runs a whorehouse

1135. out of the building we're about to destroy?

1136. - Yeah, I feel awful doing this to Kathy.

1137. Hey, Mitch,

1138. you're really starting to like this Kathy, aren't you?

1139. - No!

1140. - Mitch, I know you, man.

1141. When you say "no" like that, you really mean "yes."

1142. - What are you talking about?

1143. - Watch, I'll show you.

1144. Mitch, did you ever rob a bank?

1145. - No.

1146. - Did you ever climb Mount Everest?

1147. - No. - Right.

1148. Did you ever say

1149. that you can see why women find Sean Connery sexy?

1150. - No!

1151. Okay, so I like Kathy a little bit.

1152. Man, I hate the fact

1153. that we have to destroy her grandmother's building.

1154. But we have to. - Yep.

1155. - Hey, we did it, man.

1156. I can't believe it, Pops lives.

1157. - Hey, what'd I tell you, man?

1158. Here's to a brand-new heart.

1159. That's right, man.

1160. I couldn't have done it without a genius like you.

1161. - Hey, well, I couldn't have done it without a...

1162. A big oaf to smash down all the doors like you!

1163. Yeah!

1164. Hey, we should go pick up our fifty grand.

1165. - Good idea, buddy.

1166. Vandals left the building

1167. at 99 Franklin Street—

1168. - Hey, is that the building?

1169. an absolute wreck.

1170. But building owner James Kirkpatrick—

1171. - Kirkpatrick owns that building?

1172. - Sir, what happened to the building?

1173. - I have no idea.

1174. I'm going to find out.

1175. Resident Gladys Waite,

1176. lamented the fall of the building.

1177. I don't know what I'll do now.

1178. I've been running a sewing business out of my apartment

1179. for the past thirty years.

1180. - Sewing business?

1181. - Temporary housing has been made available

1182. to the building tenants at a local shelter,

1183. but what about the condemned building?

1184. - Unfortunately, I'm going to have to level it.

1185. But enough boring talk about construction.

1186. I want to talk about my true passion,

1187. which is the grand reopening of the Chelsea Opera House.

1188. You know, all proceeds go to benefit the homeless,

1189. and you know how I feel about the homeless.

1190. They're human beings and they have no homes.

1191. - May I help you gentlemen?

1192. - Yeah, Mitch Weaver and Sam McKenna.

1193. We're here to see Travis Cole.

1194. - Mr. Cole said to tell you, your services will no longer be needed.

1195. - No longer...

1196. Look, fellas, I have an idea.

1197. Why don't we just get Mr. Cole on the phone?

1198. - Hey, no, I have a better idea.

1199. Why don't we kick every single one of your asses,

1200. and then we go upstairs and kick Cole's ass, too?

1201. All right, I screwed up.

1202. What do we do now?

1203. - Hey, homeless guys.

1204. I'll tell you what,

1205. I'll give you $1 each if you go into this building here

1206. and run around yelling and screaming.

1207. Yunno, that's very nice,

1208. but I think what you probably need,

1209. are like some psycho, out-of-control homeless guys.

1210. - Yeah, we're more the broken, spiritless,

1211. "I've lost the will to live," type homeless guys.

1212. - How about for $2?

1213. - Mitch, Sam.

1214. What a pleasant surprise.

1215. - Yeah. Where's our money?

1216. - What money? - You owe us $50,000

1217. for getting the building at 99 Franklin Street condemned.

1218. We want it now.

1219. - But, Mitch, I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin.

1220. I told you I did, but I lied.

1221. Good luck trying to prove it.

1222. - Son of a bitch!

1223. - You see, once you stopped my bulldozer

1224. from leveling that old lady's house,

1225. I couldn't just let you get away with it.

1226. So I figured out a way for you to help me

1227. and hurt you at the same time.

1228. I guess, I showed you guys a thing or two about dirty work.

1229. - Yeah, whatever,

1230. but we're not leaving here

1231. 'til we get our fifty grand, jerkoff.

1232. - And then when you jumped on that security guard's back

1233. and you were yelling in his ear,

1234. "A CIA put a chip in my brain!"

1235. I was laughing so hard,

1236. I almost shit my pants.

1237. - Almost?

1238. - That's great. - Hey, thanks. That was fun.

1239. - A lot more fun than working for Travis Cole.

1240. - You worked for Cole?

1241. - All of us have.

1242. I had a life.

1243. A house, cars,

1244. respect in the community.

1245. Suddenly, it was all taken away.

1246. I think I finally realized just how low I'd sunk,

1247. one day when I was at my daughter's soccer game.

1248. She lives with her mom.

1249. And I was standing on the sidelines

1250. and a cop came up and asked me to move along.

1251. That's when it hit me.

1252. I've not even a human being—

1253. - Here's your $2.

1254. - How could you?

1255. You stood with me outside my grandmother's home,

1256. the day before you destroyed it?

1257. You mean to tell me you really thought

1258. that she was a drug dealer?

1259. - No, no, I thought she was a whore!

1260. - What is wrong with you?

1261. - Look, Kathy, we made a mistake.

1262. The worst thing is we didn't even get paid.

1263. - The worst thing is you didn't get paid?

1264. - Kathy, the reason we needed that money was for—

1265. - Just stop right there, Mitch.

1266. You drive these people from their homes,

1267. and all you care about is money?

1268. I should just call the police right now.

1269. - Kathy, I'm really, really sorry about what happened,

1270. but you gotta listen.

1271. - No, Mitch, I'm done listening.

1272. Have a nice life.

1273. - No. Beat it, nurse.

1274. Come back when you're a broad!

1275. Hey, fellas.

1276. Why so glum?

1277. - We didn't get the money, Pops.

1278. Turns out Mr. Sure Thing here was wrong.

1279. - I don't know what happened.

1280. I messed up. I'm sorry.

1281. - Yeah, that was easy, wasn't it?

1282. You can just chalk this whole thing up as a loss

1283. and forget about it.

1284. But I can't do that.

1285. Pops is my dad.

1286. - Look, I'm sorry.

1287. I gotta tell him.

1288. Sam- - No, I'll tell him.

1289. - Tell me what?

1290. - Sam...

1291. I'm Mitch's father, too.

1292. - It's true, Sam.

1293. - Mitch, this is no time

1294. for one of your big practical jokes!

1295. - Show him the locket.

1296. - Show me what?

1297. Mitch, this is Pops...

1298. and your mother.

1299. Yeah, I know.

1300. - You cheated on Mom?

1301. - No, she was there, too.

1302. Who do you think took the picture?

1303. - All right. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

1304. So that makes us...

1305. - Brothers.

1306. - You lied to me! - I wanted to tell you.

1307. Pops wouldn't let me.

1308. - Don't blame it on him!

1309. You shoulda just told me!

1310. - Do you have any idea

1311. how hard that man can squeeze a pair of balls?

1312. Come on, it's not a bad thing that we're brothers.

1313. - Sure, for you it's not.

1314. You got everything!

1315. You're smart, people like you,

1316. you never have to pay for sex.

1317. Pops was the one thing I had that you didn't!

1318. Now I don't even have that.

1319. - Look, Sam—

1320. - Just stay away from me, all right?

1321. - Hey, that was really funny,

1322. siccing the cops on us like that.

1323. - Yeah. - Really?

1324. I mean, don't get me wrong. I thought it was funny,

1325. but I'm surprised you guys did, because,

1326. you got your asses kicked.

1327. Things are gonna get better.

1328. You just hang in there, Mitch.

1329. Thanks for listening, Jimmy.

1330. - Say, listen, pal,

1331. you ever need anything,

1332. I mean, anything at all,

1333. you come to me.

1334. - Can I stay at your place tonight?

1335. - Well see, the thing is this.

1336. I...

1337. I live over at the Y, as you know.

1338. Um...

1339. I got a roommate, Old Jack,

1340. who is a little particular when it comes to strangers.

1341. Yeah. Well, no problem, Jimmy.

1342. Thanks anyways.

1343. - He just got his knee drained last week.

1344. - That's all right, I'll find another place.

1345. - Boy, and he needed it, too.

1346. That thing was getting a little bit ripe.

1347. - I get the picture.

1348. Maybe I'll just sleep in my car or something.

1349. - Old Jack's an odd duck, I tell you.

1350. Many times I catch him staring at me sleeping,

1351. which is off-putting.

1352. - Yeah, I guess it would be, yeah.

1353. - His feet bleed. - I don't wanna stay at your place!

1354. - Point taken.

1355. Point taken, Mitch.

1356. Hey, buddy.

1357. - Hey.

1358. I'm trying to get some sleep back here?

1359. Note to self.

1360. Remember, no matter how bad life gets,

1361. there is always beer.

1362. Alright, I screwed up.

1363. What do we do now?

1364. Hey, homeless guys.

1365. I'll give you a dollar each if you go into this building here

1366. and run around yelling and screaming.

1367. - I left the recorder on.

1368. But Mitch,

1369. I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin.

1370. I told you I did, but I lied.

1371. Good luck trying to prove it.

1372. Son of a bitch!

1373. I guess I showed you guys a thing or two

1374. about dirty work.

1375. - Sam, what are you doing?

1376. - Getting the money from Cole.

1377. - Sam, my tape recorder was running.

1378. Everything in Cole's office, I got it on tape.

1379. And I got a great plan.

1380. - Another plan?

1381. Is it like the plan that got us here in the first place?

1382. - Look, I know you're mad,

1383. but I think I know how to get the 50,000

1384. and save the apartment building.

1385. But I really need your help.

1386. - Look, Mitch,

1387. a lot of stuff came pouring out of me at the hospital,

1388. just because I was in shock about what I just heard.

1389. I mean, how did you feel when you found out?

1390. - I dunno.

1391. I mean, at first I felt a little weird, you know,

1392. but,

1393. I mean, we've always been like brothers.

1394. Now it's just official.

1395. I mean, it's kinda cool.

1396. - Yeah, I guess it is cool.

1397. But it does change things.

1398. - How's that?

1399. - Well, like, remember in the second grade

1400. when we used those rusty soda can tops

1401. to become blood brothers?

1402. Well, it was really a bunch of trouble for nothing

1403. because we were already brothers.

1404. - Yeah, that's right.

1405. Hey, hey.

1406. Hey, you remember in fifth grade

1407. when I was under the monkey bars,

1408. and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear?

1409. Remember that?

1410. Hey. No, no.

1411. I was sneaking a peak at my own sister's underwear.

1412. That's right.

1413. Yeah, and remember in the twelfth grade,

1414. you had sex with her?

1415. - Okay, enough reminiscing.

1416. Okay, listen up.

1417. In the past two weeks,

1418. I have been beaten up,

1419. I have been thrown out of buildings,

1420. I've slept in my car,

1421. I've spent the night in jail—

1422. - Yeah, and when you were in jail, man, those guys...

1423. - The point is this.

1424. You weren't the only ones who got screwed over.

1425. Yes, I made a big mistake destroying your building,

1426. but I know how we can get it back.

1427. - Mitch, why should we believe you?

1428. - Kathy, I always just walked through life,

1429. believing the only principle I had to live by was,

1430. "Don't take crap from anybody."

1431. But then suddenly, all that changed.

1432. Suddenly, I was trying to do something for someone else.

1433. We were trying to earn $50,000

1434. to get a heart transplant for our dad.

1435. - You two are brothers?

1436. - Yeah, it's a long story.

1437. - My dad boned his mom.

1438. - Okay, it's a short story.

1439. What I'm saying is that sometimes,

1440. when you're doing it for someone else,

1441. it's not just revenge,

1442. it's standing up for yourself.

1443. That's what I'm asking all of us to do right now,

1444. stand up for ourselves.

1445. Travis Cole screwed all of us.

1446. I say it's time we fight back!

1447. Are you with me?

1448. Okay, are you with me based on the assumption

1449. that if I screw up,

1450. y'all get to kick my ass?

1451. I understand how upset you must have been

1452. when you found out what we did, Mr. Kirkpatrick.

1453. And, I wanna thank you for going along with us on this.

1454. And I promise you, you'll get your building back.

1455. - Okay, Mitch.

1456. Don't screw me over again.

1457. I mean it.

1458. - Why didn't he punch you, too?

1459. - I have no idea.

1460. - You know, Mitch,

1461. deciding to fight back against Cole,

1462. is starting to turn things around for me.

1463. Travis Cole is empty inside,

1464. so he has to make everyone around him empty.

1465. That's what he did to me.

1466. But I'm not empty anymore.

1467. I'm filled with something.

1468. Filled with purpose.

1469. Filled with hope.

1470. Filled with dignity.

1471. And it's all thanks to you guy...

1472. Guys?

1473. Guys! Wait up!

1474. How you doing, buddy?

1475. I got a delivery of some opera costumes here.

1476. - What's the company name?

1477. Company name?

1478. - Very clever.

1479. - These brownies are great.

1480. - Come on, let's go!

1481. Prostitutes, homeless guys!

1482. Shake a leg! Come on!

1483. Haven't got all day. Let's go, let's go.

1484. - Good lord! I'm in whore heaven!

1485. - What are they watching?

1486. - In this corner,

1487. weighing in at 225 pounds,

1488. the former heavyweight champion of the world,

1489. Kenny Norton!

1490. And his opponent,

1491. Gary Coleman!

1492. - Yeah! Yeah!

1493. Come on man, bring it.

1494. Come on, bring it.

1495. - Well, here we are. - Okay.

1496. All right, building tenants,

1497. you'll be serving as the ushers and ticket-takers tonight.

1498. So take one of those,

1499. and Kathy will tell you exactly what to do.

1500. - I can't believe I'm doing this.

1501. I don't know why I'm here.

1502. - Yeah, why are you here?

1503. Wait! I remember.

1504. Intense physical attraction to me.

1505. Signor Errante, what seems to be the trouble, sir?

1506. - My costume. It's not here!

1507. I cannot go onstage without my costume.

1508. - Relax, sir, your costume is here,

1509. and I will track it down personally.

1510. Hey, by the way, you're a fat guy.

1511. Would you,

1512. would you care for a brownie?

1513. - Excuse me. Coming through.

1514. Excuse me. Pardon me.

1515. Excuse me. Sorry, excuse me.

1516. Coming through here. Excuse me.

1517. You know, I know I must really smell.

1518. Plus I farted.

1519. Excuse me. Coming through.

1520. - Joining me now,

1521. the man responsible for this glorious event,

1522. real estate mogul, Travis Cole.

1523. - Thank you, Gord.

1524. I'm particularly proud of two things about tonight's event.

1525. First, all proceeds from the opera,

1526. will go to benefit the homeless.

1527. And secondly,

1528. I have personally overseen every aspect of this production,

1529. and I believe it will go down in history

1530. as the finest staging of Don Giovanni ever presented.

1531. - And excuse me. Coming through.

1532. Excuse me. Coming through.

1533. Hey, did you fart?

1534. You know, I think that was me from before.

1535. Sorry. Excuse me.

1536. Coming through.

1537. - Fellas, you've heard the old saying,

1538. that in the land of the blind,

1539. the man with one eye is king.

1540. Well, today, in the land of the skunks,

1541. the man with half a nose is king.

1542. Hello, everyone.

1543. I'm your mayor, Adrian Riggins.

1544. Thank you.

1545. Before tonight's performance of Don Giovanni,

1546. let's take a moment to recognize,

1547. the man that made this night possible.

1548. The best friend that this city has ever had,

1549. Travis Cole.

1550. Enjoy the opera, everyone!

1551. - What the...

1552. Wow! Get a load of that mountain range!

1553. Come back here, baby.

1554. I'll buy ya a steak.

1555. - This is the most daring portrayal

1556. of Don Giovanni I've ever seen!

1557. Let's go!

1558. Time for Pops to climb that mountain.

1559. - Hey, what's up, fruity?

1560. - How did you...

1561. It doesn't matter.

1562. You'll be gone in a minute. - Aha!

1563. You didn't count on my loyal army of prostitutes, did you?

1564. - All right, what do you want?

1565. - Just relax.

1566. Let's watch your dirty opera?

1567. You're a hell of a woman, baby.

1568. Lemme take you to Vegas.

1569. You know what they say.

1570. It ain't over,

1571. 'til the fat lady checks into a cheap hotel with Pops!

1572. - What are you doing?

1573. You're ruining Don Giovanni.

1574. - Don Giovanni?

1575. Who's that dude?

1576. - The opera! You're ruining the opera.

1577. The opera.

1578. Yes. Yes, we are ruining that.

1579. Sam, now!

1580. - You got it, buddy!

1581. - Sing the song, boys!

1582. Sing the song, boys!

1583. Bow and kneel before me!

1584. - Jimmy!

1585. Release the skunks!

1586. - Okay. I got it, I got it.

1587. I'm on it. All righty.

1588. Don't let me down, boys.

1589. Run! Fly!

1590. Fly away!

1591. Run! Run out!

1592. Fly! Fly!

1593. - They're using skunks

1594. to heighten the atmosphere of squalor and despair.

1595. Brilliant!

1596. The cameras are here.

1597. Hey, by the way, Travis,

1598. do you remember, do you remember when you said this?

1599. Note to self.

1600. Making love to blow-up doll,

1601. not as good as advertised.

1602. - No.

1603. Um, sorry.

1604. Must've gone too far there.

1605. But Mitch,

1606. I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin.

1607. I told you I did, but I lied.

1608. Good luck trying to prove it.

1609. Son of a bitch!

1610. - I bet those reporters down there,

1611. would love to get their hands on this tape?

1612. - How much you want?

1613. - All I want is the $50,000 that you owe us.

1614. - 50,000.

1615. - Make it out to Dr. Farthing.

1616. - Dr. Farthing.

1617. - Hey, Kirkpatrick.

1618. And Kirkpatrick here is gonna punch you in the stomach.

1619. Here you go.

1620. Thanks.

1621. - Now, you're gonna sign this contract

1622. that gives back full ownership of 99 Franklin Street

1623. to Kirkpatrick.

1624. - Give it here.

1625. - Thanks, Mitch.

1626. I'm glad I didn't have to punch you in the stomach.

1627. - Me too, buddy. Me too.

1628. Okay, Cole.

1629. Well, it's been nice doing business with you.

1630. Now you probably wanna go home and kick back

1631. and enjoy a nice tall, cold glass

1632. of Chihuahua piss or something.

1633. Farthing!

1634. - Mitch.

1635. - Here's the check for 50,000.

1636. That's great, Mitch.

1637. Say, what do you wanna bet I don't go to my bookie?

1638. - No, you're going straight to your bookie to pay him off

1639. so you can live to perform Pops' heart transplant!

1640. - Aha!

1641. Note to self.

1642. Stop payment on $50,000 check.

1643. Travis.

1644. Son of a bitch, bastard!

1645. - You idiot.

1646. That building contract won't hold up for ten seconds

1647. after my lawyers get through with it.

1648. And oops.

1649. What happened to your tape?

1650. You wrecked it!

1651. Well, don't worry,

1652. 'cause I have one in the house PA system.

1653. Hit it, Kathy!

1654. Note to self.

1655. Even with adult diaper,

1656. shitting pants is unpleasant.

1657. - It's a little bit past that.

1658. - You bastard! You can't destroy me.

1659. I'm Travis Cole.

1660. No one destroys Travis Cole!

1661. No one!

1662. - Hey, fat lady, are you okay?

1663. - Yes, I'm okay.

1664. Just keep that crazy old man away from me.

1665. - What the hell is going on, Mitch?

1666. I don't care if you are my son.

1667. You get your own broad!

1668. Bravo! Bravo!

1669. - In a startling turn of events here tonight

1670. at the Chelsea Opera House,

1671. real estate mogul Travis Cole has been arrested for fraud.

1672. Mr. Cole, anything to say?

1673. Mr. Cole!

1674. - Brownies. Good brownies.

1675. - Jenkins. Jesus.

1676. Jenkins, listen to me.

1677. This is very important.

1678. I want you to put a stop payment

1679. on a check that I made out to a Dr. Farthing for $50,000.

1680. You got that?

1681. - Hey, Jenkins, are you ready for some crazy, rough sex?

1682. - Absolutely!

1683. - Good, Jenkins. I'm counting on you.

1684. And find Spunky.

1685. Hey, Pops,

1686. so how are you feeling with your new heart?

1687. I feel great, Mitch.

1688. Thanks to you and Sam, my two boys?

1689. Now that I've met Gladys here,

1690. I just hope the doctor can fix up another part of my body.

1691. I'll give you a hint.

1692. It rhymes with cock!

1693. - Hey, Mitch!

1694. - Jimmy! Your new nose looks great.

1695. - Thanks, best $200 I ever spent.

1696. Hey, Jimmy, that girl you're with,

1697. she's not the...

1698. - Yep, Lin Yung, the Saigon whore who bit my nose off.

1699. We're gettin' hitched.

1700. - You know, it never woulda happened

1701. if I hadn't have seen her

1702. on your TV commercial stunt you pulled.

1703. - Jimmy, let's go!

1704. - Hold on, I'm talking to my friend here!

1705. Jeez.

1706. Sometimes you gotta remind the hen

1707. who the rooster is.

1708. - Well, good luck to you, Jimmy.

1709. - Okay, Mitch. See you around.

1710. "Blah, blah, blah, blah!"

1711. - When I say let's go, you go!

1712. - Yeah?

1713. Time you shut your cake-hole, Yoko!

1714. Women.

1715. Wow!

1716. Now, listen, don't ever talk back to me like that

1717. in front of my friends.

1718. - I talk to you any way I want.

1719. - Yeah, look, I'll send you back to Saigon in a pine box!

1720. - You're making me really, really angry!

1721. That scares me.

1722. That scares me to death.

1723. Look, bitch!

1724. You bit my new nose off!

1725. Damn it!

1726. - I don't think I can do this.

1727. - Don't worry. - You don't have to.

1728. - Aldo's Pizza.

1729. - Um, hi.

1730. Can you tell me what's taking so long

1731. with the ten cheese pizzas we ordered an hour ago?

1732. - What?

1733. I didn't get no order for ten pizzas.

1734. - No, we didn't get the order,

1735. which I guess means they're free now,

1736. since it's way past a half hour.

1737. Now, bring those pizzas to the Phi Kappa Delta house quick,

1738. unless you want my boyfriend, Jason, to beat you up.

1739. - He's gonna beat me up?

1740. Listen here, Missy— - No, you listen.

1741. You got shit in your ears or what?

1742. Hang up the phone and bring the free pizzas.

1743. Got it, douchebag?

1744. I'll be down there.

1745. But I ain't bringing no pizza!

1746. You Jason?

1747. - Who wants to know?

1748. - Get in. Come on!

1749. Well, Sam and I got great new jobs,

1750. Pops got his heart,

1751. and I got the girl.

1752. And Dr. Farthing?

1753. Well, he got over his gambling problem,

1754. but the bookies beat him to death anyway.

1755. So he's dead.

1756. That's it. Bye.

1757. Well, Cole, it was nice doing business with you.

1758. Now, you probably wanna get back home...

1759. Sorry.

1760. - Nurse, you wanna record vital signs...

1761. - Well, Cole, it's been nice doing business with you.

1762. - Now, you probably... - Cut.

1763. Say your line again, Artie.

1764. - These are...

1765. Check the gate please.

1766. - Well, Cole...

1767. I'm trying to help you.

1768. - What's the matter with you?

1769. Have you always been like this?

1770. How you got this movie I'll never know.

1771. Some other time maybe we could...

1772. No!

1773. - Go camping? - What?

1774. - You know, just you and me.

1775. - Okay, let's go. - Mitch, I'm lonely.