Dinner for Schmucks (2010)

1. Poor Jacobson.

2. He took his stapler? How pitiful is that?

3. Still, you got to hand it to him... he went for it.

4. That was his big mistake.

5. Always stay in the middle of the pack.

6. It's the frontrunners who fall off the cliff.

7. At least Jacobson made it up on the seventh floor.

8. It smells like cabbage on this floor.

9. That's the smell of dead dreams.

10. I go to the clubs at night and people are like,

11. "Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"

12. Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you smell like coleslaw?

13. Not hard, but still.

14. He had a pretty sweet office. I wonder who's gonna get it?

15. You wonder who's gonna get his office?

16. Jesus, Josh, why don't you show a little class?

17. The guy just got fired.

18. - I'm gonna get that office. - You'd better, Tim.

19. You need that job. With that car you're driving and that apartment?

20. You're overextended.

21. These opportunities don't come along all the time.

22. Right now, the window's open and if you hesitate, bam!

23. You're gonna be my assistant. Assistant to an assistant.

24. You can't go lower. It's a shitty job, Tim.

25. Do you think Julie's gonna marry you then?

26. Don't mess this up.

27. - Good pep talk. - All right. Go, team!

28. The whole reason we bought the plant was to shut the factory,

29. shed the workforce and sell the equipment.

30. But now, it's all contaminated with low-level radiation.

31. - Nobody wants to touch it. - Americans are so uptight

32. - about radiation. - They are.

33. But the Russians are a little less particular about this sort of thing.

34. I like it. Get two bids. Drive up the price.

35. - OK, that makes sense. - On a different note, you'll notice

36. that our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties.

37. Mr. Jacobson led us right to the edge, playing around in the currency markets.

38. As a consequence, tomorrow morning,

39. I want ten ideas to make up for his mistakes.

40. - What are you doing? - I have an idea.

41. An analyst...

42. has an idea. OK, then. - Nice knowing you, buddy.

43. Sixth floor, stepping up. Nice!

44. It's all right. It's dead.

45. It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments, from Zurich, Switzerland.

46. It's a company that made a fortune during World War I.

47. Now they're sitting on a bunch of bombs

48. that even the worst armies in the world don't want.

49. All right, so we cannibalize the company...

50. who's gonna buy the pieces?

51. Oh, no, we're not gonna strip this one down.

52. Novelty lamps. Great idea.

53. We could literally make hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.

54. - Who cares about lamps? - Martin Mueller does.

55. When Martin isn't busy running his family's business into the ground,

56. he's either yachting or buying art for his castle.

57. The business is going under, but his personal fortune is vast.

58. Nearly half a billion.

59. I heard he was in town, so I sent a prototype over to his hotel.

60. He loved the lamps. He wants to sit down.

61. The lamps are really just a way to get our foot in the door.

62. We're gonna lose money on them.

63. But we'll make millions managing his personal portfolio.

64. Mueller keeps his business. We've got a brand-new client.

65. - Everybody wins. - Everybody wins. That's a new one.

66. - Caldwell, you want to take the lead? - Absolutely.

67. I'll ride shotgun.

68. Actually, I was hoping I could take the lead.

69. Let me think... no.

70. You should've quit while you were ahead, buddy.

71. You know what they say... tallest tree gets chopped down first.

72. - Well, that went well. - Mr. Conrad?

73. Have you got a second?

74. Come in!

75. You can just set your bombs by the door.

76. You put on quite a show in there. Sit down.

77. Oh, that looks good on him, right?

78. Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson. You're gonna need a nicer watch.

79. Nicer watch, nicer suit.

80. Hey, to the ballsiest guy on the sixth floor.

81. Not gonna be on the sixth floor for long.

82. Does that mean this is my new office?

83. Not yet. No, I want to get to know you a little better.

84. I host a dinner once a month.

85. - Next one's on Saturday. - Great, OK.

86. And it's top secret. You can't tell anyone.

87. What are we talking about here? Orgy?

88. Is it a human sacrifice of some kind?

89. We're... collectors.

90. I'll let the guys fill you in.

91. Some people collect vintage automobiles.

92. Some people collect fine wines. Fender collects people.

93. - People? - Yeah.

94. Each of us finds a remarkable person and invites them to dinner at Fender's.

95. We call it the Dinner for Winners.

96. Here's the guy that I invited last year.

97. There you go. Look at that.

98. The guy designed that suit. Real-life Iron Man.

99. - He took first prize. - He's an idiot.

100. You got it.

101. You invite idiots to dinner and make fun of them?

102. That's... messed up.

103. - I know, right? - It's completely messed up.

104. At the end of the night, Fender picks the best one, gives him a trophy

105. and we release him out in the wild, none the wiser.

106. Yeah. No harm, no foul. Hey, you're gonna do great.

107. Just have a little subtlety when you pick your guy.

108. Fender's a connoisseur.

109. Yeah. Hey, and no mimes. It's a cliché.

110. Jacobson brought a mime.

111. Exactly. And you don't see his shit here, anymore, do you?

112. - Hey. - Hey!

113. Congratulations.

114. So how did it go? What happened today?

115. Oh, I'll tell you later. Look at this crowd!

116. I know, it's amazing. We actually sold every painting.

117. That's incredible! Oh, my God!

118. Except that I did another one of my name-fiasco thingies.

119. Oh, God. What happened?

120. The director of San Francisco MoMA is here.

121. His name is Steve Doche.

122. And I thought that it was pronounced "Douche."

123. God. It's like the Ron Fuchs episode all over again.

124. Well, it actually kind of loosened things up, and...

125. and he's giving Kieran a solo show, and he wants me to curate it.

126. Oh, my God!

127. You know, that is so like you! You call a guy a douche

128. and get your first museum show out of it.

129. You're amazing. I love you so much.

130. You're stunning and you're smart and you're just awful with pronunciation.

131. - Hey! - I'm not Fuching around here.

132. Marry me.

133. I love you.

134. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

135. But remember when you asked me before,

136. and I said this is a big step, and maybe we should just wait a little bit?

137. Yeah?

138. - That was two days ago. - I know. I know.

139. I just need a little bit of time.

140. All right. I'll ask you in two hours.

141. Let's go.

142. Wow, it's packed.

143. So, where's the artiste?

144. I always try and create some tension in my work.

145. Once a reviewer said of a certain piece of mine,

146. they said, "I think that's disgusting."

147. I said, "Good! I want it to disgust you."

148. Sometimes I'll be working on a piece and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit."

149. So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a meta... metaphor.

150. Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

151. Julie.

152. Kieran, you remember Tim?

153. - The stockbroker. - No. No.

154. I work for a private equity firm that specializes in distressed assets.

155. - So kind of a stockbroker. - Almost nothing like a stockbroker.

156. Do you mind if I just call you stockbroker?

157. It's the way I remember people. You're stockbroker Tim.

158. Hey, so what do you think?

159. Really... tremendous work.

160. They're so big. And you're in all of them.

161. Come with me, Tim.

162. En joy.

163. I have a little ranch... I say little.

164. It's absolutely massive if you actually measure,

165. outside of town, where I go to disappear, get away from this bullshit.

166. One of my zebras was in labor. It was a messy business.

167. The foal was in breech. At about the 22nd hour,

168. I just said, "Stuff it."

169. And I just thrust my hand in, turned the little guy around.

170. Do you have any idea what it's like

171. to be up to your elbow... in a zebra's vagina?

172. And feel life? New life, fresh life.

173. - No, I don't. - You should try it, Tim. It's magical.

174. Yeah, I'm OK.

175. She let me keep the afterbirth to create this piece.

176. Oh, wow, that's disgusting. I don't think I get it, Kieran.

177. Poppycock. You've been stockbroking too long, Tim.

178. What does it make you think of?

179. I guess it kind of makes me...

180. think of your penis.

181. Then you get it.

182. Julie gets it.

183. Hi, I need you to talk to a buyer. This way.

184. See you in a bit.

185. Do you know what it's like to have your entire head inside its anus?

186. Julie? Poppycock.

187. OK, so you're just completely immune to his animal magnetism?

188. He looks good in a pair of hooves. What can I say?

189. So, are you gonna tell me what happened today?

190. I think I might've gotten that promotion.

191. Really? Oh, my God, that's amazing.

192. - Well... - When? When do you start?

193. All right, well, it's not official yet. It's not official.

194. - There's this dinner. - Good. When is it?

195. - It's Saturday. - OK. We can do that.

196. No, it's not really a girlfriend type thing.

197. It's really the guys from the office.

198. - And we have to bring a person. - What do you mean, "a person?"

199. A person with a skill or a talent of some kind.

200. Are you talking about strippers, here? 'Cause I'm not...

201. No, no. Nothing like that. No.

202. We have to bring an idiot to dinner to make fun of them.

203. - OK, that is messed up. - I know.

204. - I know. - So you told them you're not going.

205. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.

206. Tell Fender I can't make the dinner. Tell him my back thing is acting up,

207. and I have to stay in bed for a few days.

208. Why don't I just tell him you're having your period?

209. Tim, I can't stay on this floor anymore.

210. These people are pathetic!

211. Happy birthday, Carol.

212. Why can't you just suck it up,

213. make fun of some idiots and stop thinking about yourself for once?

214. Susana, I know this is painful for you,

215. but sometimes in life you have to do the right thing.

216. Just lie. It's not that hard. I'm texting a lie right now!

217. Jesus Christ!

218. Are you OK?

219. Yeah, I'm OK.

220. - Is that a Porsche? - Yeah.

221. I have been hit by a Datsun before.

222. - Never a Porsche. - Oh, man...

223. - Barry Speck. - Tim Conrad.

224. Are you sure you're OK? I didn't see you. What were you doing?

225. Well, I saw this little guy in the street, I was trying to save him.

226. - I think it's dead. - Yes, that's why he couldn't run away.

227. A couple more seconds, you would've squished him.

228. Nice pelt, though.

229. Ready?

230. I hope those aren't for your lawyer.

231. No. I would rather not have lawyers get involved.

232. All right, I get it. You said you were fine, but...

233. What would it take to keep the lawyers out?

234. Five.

235. Five dollars.

236. I don't... What do you mean?

237. - Ten dollars. - Seriously, what? Come on.

238. How much do you want?

239. - Hundred dollars. - I don't want anything.

240. - Five hundred dollars. - I don't... It's OK.

241. - All right... - As long as you're OK, then...

242. Ten thousand!

243. OK, I'll take ten thousand dollars.

244. I don't have ten thousand dollars.

245. You know what? Don't worry about it.

246. - Really? - Yeah. As long as you're OK.

247. - You're a good person. - No... It's all right.

248. - Get out of the road! - You are. You're a good person.

249. - Thank you. - No, you really are.

250. - You're a really nice person. - All right, well, as long as you're OK,

251. - that's OK. - Thanks. Thank you.

252. Yeah. You take care.

253. I won't forget this.

254. - You dropped your... - Oh, yeah. That's my latest series.

255. I know. Mouseterpieces. Get it?

256. - That's the Mona Lisa. - That's the Mouse-a-Lisa.

257. - Mouse-a-Lisa... - There they are.

258. Found her on the 405. From here down, she was a mess, but the head, perfect.

259. Oh, that's Cubism. Not as easy as it looks.

260. Well, it doesn't look easy.

261. I like her. I love the tail.

262. - Check that out. You like them? - I'm speechless.

263. So is he.

264. 'Cause he's screaming.

265. I was just stopping by the store today to get some pelt wax and spine wire.

266. Wanted to fill the guys in on what I've been up to.

267. Hey, you know what? I have some in the flesh. Want to see 'em?

268. Where did they? Come here! Come here!

269. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't look!

270. - OK... All right... - Can I look?

271. Hold on, hold on, hold on...

272. Go ahead.

273. Incredible.

274. Does that guy look sort of familiar?

275. I'll give you a hint. He wrote the Bible.

276. - Is it Jesus? - Yes!

277. - You know your stuff! - Amazing.

278. Yeah. Well, it's a hobby. I like to think that...

279. I'm sort of giving them a second chance, you know?

280. In the words of John Lennon, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

281. - "The only one." - The only what?

282. No, that's the lyric. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

283. OK, Tim.

284. You know, Barry, this was a very strange way to meet,

285. but I think everything happens for a reason.

286. Did you make that up?

287. Yeah.

288. "Everything happens for a reason." I like that.

289. Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm having dinner with some friends.

290. Are you? That's incredible. Congratulations.

291. I was wondering, would you like to join us?

292. - You shitting me? - No.

293. Say that your girlfriend thinks meat is murder,

294. and she convinces you to become a vegetarian.

295. Then one day, you're grilling up a veggie burger, and all of a sudden,

296. a chicken comes up, plucks itself, covers itself in barbecue sauce

297. and flings itself on the grill.

298. That's God sending a message, right?

299. Yeah, that chicken wants to die.

300. No. God wants us to move to the seventh floor.

301. And He sent His only son to tell me.

302. Come with me, my children, to the seventh floor.

303. Tim! I'd like you to meet Mr. And Mrs. Mueller.

304. Of course! What a pleasure it is to meet you.

305. Mr. Conrad! You sent the lamp to my hotel.

306. - That's... yeah! - I wished to meet you in person.

307. Yes, Tim was really helpful when we came up with the idea for the lamps.

308. And we'd been discussing personal investment as well.

309. That's a conversation I'm very much looking forward to getting back to.

310. - Well, I'm glad we could do this. - Yeah.

311. Congratulations on your new Matisse. It's beautiful.

312. My wife is a true collector. It was quite a bidding war.

313. Well, to the victor go the spoils.

314. You know my family crest.

315. Our motto continues to inspire.

316. - Ad Victorem Spolias. - Fantastic.

317. - Well, shall we? - Yeah.

318. Join us.

319. So you follow the art world, Mr. Conrad?

320. I try to. My girlfriend runs The Cronin Gallery downtown.

321. I would love to meet her. We must have brunch tomorrow.

322. They can speak about beauty. We can speak about business.

323. Sounds perfect.

324. I'll have my assistant make the arrangements.

325. OK, what the hell just happened? This guy's supposed to be my client.

326. - You're still just an analyst... - No, no, this is better.

327. I didn't know it was going to be a double date.

328. Tim's the only one here who isn't divorced or dating a hooker.

329. This guy wants to invest $100 million. Don't mess it up. We need this.

330. Well, the sixth floor steps up.

331. - Excuse me. - Yeah.

332. Hey, rooting for you, buddy. Good luck.

333. - My girlfriend's not a hooker. - She tried to give me a BJ.

334. If she didn't ask for money, then she's not a hooker, is she?

335. She asked me for money. It wasn't that expensive, either.

336. I still had a ton of singles left over from your sister's birthday party.

337. Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?

338. - Hey, honey. - Hey!

339. Glad you're still here. Look, don't make plans tomorrow morning.

340. Why?

341. How'd you like to have brunch with a fascinating Swiss couple?

342. - OK. - She's an art collector

343. and he's got a lot of money.

344. - I need you. This is huge. - It's huge?

345. - Really huge. - What's this?

346. What is this?

347. That's a...

348. It's a mouse dressed like Jesus.

349. This guy that I ran into today, he makes them.

350. He's amazing. He's some kind of artisan.

351. Really? Are you doing that dinner?

352. No.

353. - Hey, come on. - No, not when you're lying to me.

354. - Julie, Fender invited me. - So?

355. Fender, as in Fender Financial?

356. The you I know would have just said no.

357. The me that you know did say no.

358. But the me that you don't know had to say yes.

359. - The you I don't know? - Yes.

360. Look, there's you and the me that you know.

361. And we love each other and we have a wonderful life.

362. But then there's the me that you don't know.

363. And the me that you don't know has to do things sometimes so that you

364. and the me that you know can live in this nice apartment,

365. and eat at nice restaurants and go to Cabo for Christmas.

366. - He takes care of us. - You know what?

367. There should not be any you I don't know.

368. But there is. You might not like him.

369. I don't like him. I hate him! But we need him.

370. - You know? It's like the CIA. - The CIA?

371. The CIA does some pretty funky, nasty stuff in the shadows,

372. but I, for one, am glad they're there.

373. The CIA doesn't invite people to dinner

374. - to make fun of them. - No. The CIA kills people.

375. And I'm getting raked over the coals because of a little dinner.

376. Can I just ask you something?

377. Is there any you I don't know who isn't completely full of shit?

378. I'd love to talk to him right now.

379. Julie, come on. Julie!

380. Julie! Julie, where are you going?

381. I... I have to go meet Kieran and talk about San Francisco.

382. Julie, please come out of the elevator. All right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

383. I'll call him, I'll tell him the dinner's off.

384. - I want to believe you. - You can believe me.

385. I'll never see that guy in my life.

386. - Yeah. - I promise.

387. Oh, my... Let's talk later.

388. - In a few hours. - What?

389. I think we need to cool off.

390. - Gosh, I hate when that happens. - We'll talk in a bit, OK?

391. - Just give ourselves a moment... - I gotta go to work.

392. I feel like I'm in The Shining.

393. You are welcome.

394. Oh, God. My back, my back, my back.

395. Is it your back?

396. What the hell are you doing here?

397. Well, I went to the address you gave me.

398. Nobody was there. Are we having this dinner or not?

399. OK, just... slow.

400. All right.

401. - What are you doing? - I'm applying heat.

402. Barry, please stop doing that.

403. - I'm gonna fix your back. - Barry, stop!

404. I am a trained taxidermist.

405. - And I am alive. - You are tight.

406. - Oh, God! - OK...

407. Look at that face!

408. - Stop it! - OK, all right.

409. - I hope this doesn't mess up dinner. - We're not having dinner tonight.

410. - It's tomorrow. - I don't think so, Tim.

411. Barry, I made the plans. I know when it is.

412. - I'm pretty sure it's tonight. - It's not tonight.

413. OK. All right. I guess one of us got confused.

414. Great. She left her phone here.

415. You know what they say, everything happens for a reason.

416. You said that.

417. You know what, Barry?

418. I am really, really looking forward to our dinner tomorrow night.

419. But, right now, I'd appreciate it if you just left.

420. And the reason is?

421. Because I got in a fight with my girlfriend,

422. and because I'd like to be here alone when she comes back, OK?

423. - What if she doesn't come back? - She's coming back.

424. Hey, we are gonna get through this together.

425. I think I know someone who might make you feel better.

426. Remember this guy from the street? This is you.

427. Barry, that was a dead mouse in the road

428. a couple of hours ago. Please get it away from my face.

429. It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it? You feel better?

430. - It's amazing. - Are you cheered up?

431. Barry, I have a back brace in my bedroom.

432. If you could just help me get off this couch...

433. Sure.

434. I want to do this very slowly and carefully.

435. On the count of...

436. Three!

437. - All you. - All right.

438. Now, I... If I could just...

439. You can do it. You got it!

440. Oh, yeah! Yeah, Tim!

441. - You got this! I'll help! - No, no, no! I have it.

442. - All right. - I'm good.

443. Tim, you look good!

444. What are you doing?

445. - What are you doing? - Computer.

446. Oh, my God! You gave her my address?

447. - She's very concerned about you. - Barry, this woman is a nightmare.

448. She's been stalking me for three years!

449. I slept with her one night, biggest mistake of my life.

450. - It was before I even met Julie. - Why did you do that?

451. Because it was New Years and I was drunk

452. and she was wearing these fishnet stockings.

453. You want me to tell her not to come?

454. Go. Go.

455. Come to dinner tomorrow and that's it. Let's go. Move!

456. Come on! Go, go!

457. - Oh, my God, what have you done? - I'm gonna make it up to you.

458. OK! OK!

459. Well, well, well. If it isn't little miss panty bottom.

460. - I'm sorry, who are you? - I am a friend of Tim's.

461. - Yeah, I don't know you. - Oh, you don't?

462. So you know everything about Tim?

463. You are the world's greatest expert on all things Tim?

464. Did Tim invite you to a dinner tomorrow night?

465. According to him, it is tomorrow night, yes.

466. Right. You want my advice?

467. - Don't go. - OK, may I give you some advice, too?

468. Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve.

469. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.

470. - You know what? I really need to... - Now, Darla, Darla, come on...

471. - Darla? - Yes. He told me all about you.

472. Really? What did Tim tell you about me?

473. Told me about the sex.

474. The sex?

475. The dirty, dirty sex. But he lives with a woman named Julie,

476. and if she comes home and finds you, that, that...

477. You can imagine how she would feel.

478. Yeah, I imagine she'd be pretty pissed off.

479. I gotta nip this in the bud.

480. - You gotta move along. - You tell your friend, Tim, he can...

481. You tell him he can kiss my ass.

482. Don't have to. We have a picture.

483. Problem solved. I intercepted your stalker in the hallway.

484. Darla showed up? And you got her to leave?

485. Oh, I don't think you're ever gonna see her again.

486. - Who is that? - Kieran Vollard. He's an artist.

487. Very attractive man. He can fit a whole octopus in his mouth.

488. Sort of an animal magnetism about him.

489. That's what Julie says.

490. "For Julie. Thanks for everything. Kieran."

491. - Everything? - Yeah, she curated his show.

492. Bet that's not all she curated.

493. I don't know what that means, Barry.

494. Well, I don't know what curated means.

495. Where is she?

496. Working.

497. Probably with Kieran.

498. Where? In his bed?

499. I seriously doubt they're working in his bed.

500. Well, if they're not working, why are they in his bed?

501. Tim, you need to call Kieran's house and see if she's there.

502. I'm not doing that.

503. It's the only way you're gonna know for sure.

504. - I'm not calling. - I'm telling you...

505. No, I'm not gonna call Kieran and say I don't know where Julie is.

506. - Do it. Do it. - No. No.

507. All right, I will.

508. What reason could you possibly have for calling him?

509. I want to make a movie about his life.

510. I want to make a documentary. I gain his confidence,

511. and then he starts feeling more relaxed about talking to me.

512. He's really opening up to me.

513. We're talking about his sex life and then...

514. Julie's name pops up and we've got it on tape!

515. - Yeah. - He's been curated!

516. Well, that sounds like a bullet-proof plan.

517. What's his number?

518. - One-1-1... 1-1... - Hold on.

519. OK. Go.

520. - One-1-1... - Got that.

521. One-1...

522. - One-1. - OK.

523. He must've changed his number. I'm just getting a weird sound.

524. Oh, well. We tried.

525. There he is. Kieran Vollard. I got him.

526. Don't! Don't!

527. - I'm serious. Don't call him. - It's ringing...

528. Hang up the phone.

529. Hang up the phone!

530. I'm gonna do an accent.

531. Don't do an accent. Hang up the phone.

532. - Hello? - Hello! How are you?

533. This is Nigel!

534. I'm a documentary filmmaker

535. - from London, England. - Hang up!

536. May I speak to Kieran Vollard, please?

537. - This is Kieran. - Kieran.

538. I want to make a documentary about your life.

539. Start the water, I'll be right in. Yeah, I could do an interview.

540. Smashing! Champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

541. I will have my man-servant contact you with the details.

542. That sounded like Julie's laugh.

543. She might've been there!

544. - I'm going over there. - No, Tim!

545. You can't drive in this condition.

546. Clutch! Oh, God, use the clu...

547. You can't just shift. You need to use the clutch, Barry.

548. Oh, God.

549. OK, hold on. I'll get it.

550. No, no, no, no...

551. - OK. - I got it.

552. She's gotta be in there.

553. Just need to get her attention.

554. Those were my car keys, weren't they?

555. Oh, God.

556. Here we go. Let's do this thing.

557. Barry! Barry, just... Just get the keys and come back!

558. Barry!

559. I am inside the apartment.

560. I know. I want you out of the apartment. Get the keys and let's get out of here!

561. Oh, Tim, I wish you could see this place! It's amazing!

562. I thought you had a great apartment... This...

563. This, my friend... Oh, my God!

564. He's friends with Morgan Freeman.

565. Please get the hell out of there.

566. He's coming!

567. - Cat got the Tim mouse! - Forget about the mouse! Come on!

568. Get the keys and get out of there!

569. Forget the mouse!

570. Thank you. Hey! He's OK!

571. Hide! Hide!

572. Kieran, I'm ready.

573. Barry!

574. Julie's here.

575. Oh, yes...

576. Sounds like they're having intercourse.

577. That's it. Oh, fantastic.

578. I'm having trouble describing what I'm looking at.

579. Fly, fly...

580. Yes! Primordial...

581. Hello.

582. Who are you?

583. I'm...

584. Monique, Christina, this is Tim.

585. He's a stockbroker, or something like that.

586. - Tim, can I help you? - No, no, no. Sorry, I...

587. I'm Nigel Nigel!

588. - I'm here doing a documentary! - You can stop that now, Barry.

589. My name's not Barry! So, what have you done with Julie?

590. Tim... has Julie left you?

591. Oh, Tim. I was always very attracted to Julie and I still am.

592. You must be broken. She's a wonderful creature.

593. Stop...

594. I have to say, though, Tim, I'm not surprised.

595. - Really? - There's not a lot of monogamy

596. in the animal kingdom. Not many animals mate for life. Penguins do.

597. I've spent a lot of time with penguins, and they're really cool.

598. And maybe you're a penguin, Tim, but Julie's not a penguin.

599. She's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin.

600. Ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate?

601. I've never even heard of that.

602. Is that right? You gonna try and tame her?

603. - 'Cause I don't think you're her type. - Maybe. But I have something.

604. Something that women respond to.

605. That's true. Julie and I have been saying that.

606. - Tim doesn't get it. - He's right. Listen to your friend.

607. Am I gonna make love with Christina and Monique tonight?

608. Yeah! Hell, yes! Guilty. You caught me out. Yeah.

609. But only because it's part of my process.

610. Your "process"?

611. There are two things in this world:

612. Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...

613. and death.

614. Horrible, boring death.

615. Now, I'm gonna go off and have some sex with these girls before I die.

616. Go ahead.

617. If you guys wanna join, that's cool.

618. But don't look at me in the eye. It puts me off.

619. - What? - OK, you're not into it. That's cool.

620. Good to see ya, Tim. Thanks for visiting. Great to meet you.

621. I wanna grow a beard.

622. I know you're set on a documentary, but hear me out...

623. Charlize Theron plays Julie. Kieran plays himself.

624. I don't know. It is something to think about.

625. Three, two, one...

626. Oh, my God.

627. Oh, my God! How did you do that?

628. A human back and a rodent back are eerily similar.

629. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

630. Now, go.

631. - What about dinner? - It's tomorrow, Barry. Tomorrow.

632. That's interesting.

633. You say you're over Darla and yet you have a picture of her in your apartment.

634. How does Julie feel about that?

635. That is Julie.

636. Barry, is that the woman you talked to in the hallway?

637. Well...

638. She has the same face.

639. I'll get the door.

640. Where's Tim?

641. - Oh, God. - Well, well.

642. You blew it with Julie. Just like you blew it with me.

643. Poor little Timmy. You missed your chance.

644. And you'll never have me again.

645. - Let's go. - You're hurting me.

646. - I'm not... Stop it. - Please, stop hurting me.

647. - I'm not even touching you. - Why do we keep doing this?

648. You know, some day, I'm really gonna leave you.

649. All right, go, go! Get out of my house, right now!

650. You're very cruel, Tim.

651. - Hello. - Who's your friend?

652. Barry, his name's Barry.

653. Wanna watch while I screw Barry's brains out?

654. - I can honestly say no to that one. - Oh, really?

655. So, do you guys wanna get pizza?

656. Wanna lick cheese off my naked body?

657. I'm sure Tim has plates.

658. Hello?

659. Hey, who's Darla? I just met your friend earlier.

660. He told me some pretty interesting things

661. - about this woman. - What did he say?

662. - Oh, I don't know. He spoke about... - Oh, wow, you're like a friendly dog.

663. talked about sex... - What?

664. What exactly did he say?

665. Can you just tell me? Are you cheating on me?

666. It's not a difficult question to answer!

667. - Hello? Are you cheating on me? - She put it in her pants.

668. Tim! I don't know why it's so hard for you to answer...

669. Julie! You're crazy to think that I'm cheating on you!

670. That's insane! Where are you? Where are you?

671. - Julie! - I think I hung up.

672. You have no right!

673. No right? Barry, we're gonna be a while.

674. - You're a crazy person. - All right, I'll be here.

675. Hey, Tim? Tim?

676. - Tim? - Oh, God...

677. Tim? Timmy Tim?

678. What do you say? Should we drive him crazy?

679. OK!

680. I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!

681. You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

682. I need to be punished.

683. Hey, Naomi, how you doing? It's Tim.

684. I'm wondering if you've heard from Julie.

685. Don't you wanna be my schoolteacher?

686. I'm really not qualified. I work for the IRS.

687. - No, no, no... - Not tonight.

688. - No, all the time. I work... - OK, OK.

689. You work for the IRS, and I have been very...

690. very bad. - Have you heard from Julie?

691. - I haven't paid my taxes... - No?

692. and I need to be spanked! Now!

693. Well, that's really not the way it works.

694. You probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest.

695. OK, I...

696. - I need you to spank me real hard. - I'm looking for Julie.

697. Spank me hard, Barry!

698. - Barry! - No, no. That's the TV.

699. Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

700. Yeah! Oh, Barry!

701. Oh, Barry!

702. If she gets in touch with you, please tell her to call me. It's an emergency.

703. You're like some crazy animal all over...

704. - I wanna be a penguin! - I like to eat penguins.

705. Hope you don't catch me. Penguins are very slow.

706. Except I'm Turbo Penguin!

707. Come here... I'm gonna catch you...

708. Did you hurt your knee?

709. Barry, that's funny. You are a bad little penguin.

710. Don't get me!

711. Come here!

712. - You're gonna die. - No, I'm not.

713. Oh, God.

714. God!

715. Barry?

716. Tim? Call me! OK?

717. This was so much fun! I love you!

718. Forever! And ever...

719. Barry! Barry.

720. Works every time.

721. If you are attacked, you should always play dead.

722. People don't want to punch something that's dead.

723. - It's instinctual. - She's gone?

724. Yes, she is.

725. - Oh, my God. - Yeah, we had a little bit of a ruckus.

726. Oh, my God!

727. - That your phone? - Julie's.

728. Kieran.

729. Hey, listen, when you get up there, let the horse into the pasture.

730. She loves to run around in the grass.

731. Grab a bottle of wine, make yourself a fire,

732. stay as long as you want. This is gonna be good for you.

733. - She's going to his ranch. - Oh, my God.

734. - That's code. - What?

735. It's code, Tim. You should watch Law & Order.

736. Horse is heroin. Grass is marijuana.

737. The horse likes to run around on the grass.

738. The heroin likes to run around on the marijuana.

739. Wine. Alcohol.

740. Like beer. Or wine.

741. Oh, man, they are planning one hell of a party.

742. It's gonna be wild up there.

743. I think that you need to get out of my house in the next... 30 seconds,

744. before I beat you to death with the chair that you're sitting in.

745. - What? - You have to go. I want you to go.

746. - Who's gonna help you with Julie? - Who's gonna help me with Julie?

747. You didn't really just say that, did you?

748. Because of you, Julie thinks I'm having an affair

749. and she's on her way to Kieran's ranch!

750. Whatever you do, don't help me with Julie!

751. We should go there and we should explain the whole mix-up.

752. I don't know where it is. It's unlisted! He goes there to disappear!

753. Please, please, I'm begging you! Go, leave, go!

754. I'm sorry.

755. I'm sorry, Tim.

756. Wait. Tim, Tim!

757. I work at the Canoga Processing Center.

758. It's only the second-largest IRS processing center on the west coast.

759. And you're telling me this now because?

760. If Kieran has a ranch, we can find the address from his tax return.

761. And if he's up there sleeping with Julie, that's not business-related.

762. He can't deduct that.

763. - You can get me his tax returns? - No. But I know somebody who can.

764. - There it is. The mother ship. - It looks deserted.

765. No, no, no. He's in there. My boss never sleeps.

766. Be careful around this guy.

767. - He can tell what you're thinking. - What are you talking about?

768. Don't look him in the eye. Don't think any embarrassing thoughts.

769. Just keep your mind blank.

770. Therman? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Tim Conrad.

771. Hi.

772. I could use some help and Barry says you're just the man for the job.

773. Have a seat.

774. I did an audit on a Steven Conrad two years ago.

775. Any relation?

776. - Where does he live? - Bayside State Prison.

777. He's doing seven years.

778. Are you hiding something, Mr. Conrad?

779. - What is it that you do for a living? - Don't ask. He makes money.

780. Nobody knows where it comes from, though.

781. Shall we take a look at his return, Barry?

782. Guys, I think we're getting a little off track here.

783. - Look, I'm in a little bit of a rush. - That's him.

784. Guys, I don't have much time, so...

785. Mr. Conrad...

786. Men lie to me a thousand times a day.

787. And my job is to find the truth. Right, Barry?

788. I've studied the human mind.

789. I've learned how to read it and, ultimately, control it.

790. This is fascinating. I can't wait to read it.

791. It's $14.99 on my website.

792. - OK. - Plus shipping and handling.

793. Even if I buy it here?

794. It's shipped from somewhere else, isn't it? And I've been handling it.

795. Could you just tell Therman why we're here?

796. We are looking for an address of a nondeductible vacation property.

797. You are looking for someone or something.

798. That's exactly right. Tim is looking for his girlfriend.

799. She ran off with an artist. They are probably sleeping together.

800. - Oh, God... - Your girlfriend has left you.

801. - Tim, he can see right through you. - Well, you also just told him that.

802. Are you still skeptical, Mr. Conrad?

803. Watch this. Barry...

804. What is he doing?

805. He's making me do something. What is he making me do?

806. You're not doing anything, Barry.

807. That's right, Barry. You're not doing anything.

808. I'm not doing anything.

809. - I'm paralyzed. Oh, God. - God can't hear you, Barry.

810. - Tim? - Tim can't hear you, Barry.

811. - No, actually, I can hear him. - My body's a prison.

812. This is so painful. I can't move, Tim.

813. Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.

814. All right, you know what, Barry? Just move. You can do it. Just move.

815. I release you.

816. OK, I will never take movement for granted, ever again.

817. Well, I was wrong. Apparently, his brain really is your puppet.

818. I need an address.

819. - Can you help me, please? - Perhaps. For a price.

820. How much?

821. I just need to hear Barry say, "You can eat my pudding."

822. No.

823. Barry, I can make you say it.

824. But with your own free will, say, "You can eat my pudding."

825. I'm not gonna say it.

826. Barry, I'm gonna eat it, anyway!

827. But I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding!"

828. Barry, I will give you a thousand dollars if you say it, right now.

829. A thousand dollars? Barry, your friend is a high roller.

830. - You are hiding something. - Wait a minute. No, wait...

831. Can we just stick to the issue at hand?

832. You almost had me. But you cannot declare offshore investment losses

833. against future capital gains. Any child knows that.

834. I'll have to ask my accountant about that.

835. Mr. Conrad...

836. you, my friend... are being audited.

837. No, no, no.

838. Call the 800 number.

839. I release you.

840. Hey, Tim?

841. I guess you just have to remember what the wise man once said...

842. "Everything happens for a reason."

843. - You know who said that? - Shut up, Barry.

844. - You did. You're the wise man. - Don't talk.

845. Don't say a word. Don't move your lips.

846. Oh, my God. It's Martha. It's my ex-wife.

847. There's my magic man.

848. - Look at you. OK. - Get in the car, Pudding.

849. I used to call her Pudding.

850. Look, why don't we just each go home, we'll get some sleep,

851. and I'll see you tomorrow at the dinner.

852. OK.

853. I think I left my bus pass at your apartment.

854. - I'll drive you home. - OK.

855. I left my keys at your apartment, too.

856. That's OK. You know what? I'll just sleep here. I have a cubicle.

857. - I can pull two chairs together. - It's all right.

858. - Get in the car. - I can fashion them into a bed.

859. They... Well, they sort of roll apart in the middle, so...

860. - Barry, Barry... you sag.

861. - You can stay with me. - Don't worry about me.

862. - I insist. - Really?

863. - Yeah. - I won't cramp your style?

864. - It's already cramped. - OK.

865. - What are you doing? - You're gonna propose to her?

866. I have, a few times.

867. - Why do you keep carrying this around? - In case she changes her mind.

868. - Please don't go through my pockets. - OK.

869. Hey, Tim?

870. The first night alone is always the hardest.

871. I can sleep in there with you if you want.

872. No, thank you.

873. Hey, just don't think about the fact that you can't sleep.

874. Because then you're sunk. Then you just start thinking, "What's going on?"

875. Your mind starts reeling. "Where's Julie?

876. Oh, she's with Kieran. Is he a better lover than I am?

877. Yes, he is." Don't think about that.

878. Get those thoughts out of your head.

879. - Why are you putting on aftershave? - Force of habit.

880. When I was married, I used to stay up late working on my mice,

881. and Martha hated the smell of formaldehyde.

882. You can smell them both, Barry. Two layers of bad smell.

883. That's exactly what Martha used to say.

884. Good night.

885. Tim?

886. - Tim? - What, Barry?

887. I can't sleep. I'm too excited about dinner.

888. - Oh, God! - What are you gonna wear?

889. Should I rent a tux? Or is that too formal?

890. Here's the thing:

891. It's always better to be overdressed than underdressed, right?

892. Thanks, Tim! That's great!

893. Oh, he ate it! He's eating paper!

894. No...

895. I'll be back in a few hours. Don't play with the stove.

896. Don't do anything with electricity.

897. Do you understand?

898. Sometimes I think you think I'm an idiot.

899. Just stay in the chair. Promise me.

900. I will. I will stay in the chair. Why is this brunch so important?

901. Because the future of my career depends on it.

902. It's a very important potential client.

903. - I can help. - You want to help me?

904. - Stay in the chair. - OK.

905. I'll pick you up for dinner. All right?

906. - You gonna stay in that chair? - Yes.

907. That's it.

908. Hello?

909. You got everything you need for brunch?

910. OK, you got me working Saturday, so I'm billing you overtime for this.

911. You're going to Madison Restaurant, 10am.

912. Don't be late. They're Swiss. And make sure Julie's there.

913. - They're dying to meet her. - OK, Julie'll be there.

914. Tim?

915. Tim!

916. Tim?

917. Tim? Tim! Tim!

918. Hi, Tim? We switched phones.

919. I need to talk to you. Julie has to go to that brunch! OK.

920. Hi, Tim, me again. I just realized you can't get my messages.

921. My password is P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D. OK.

922. Oh, God!

923. You can't get that message, either! Why am I?

924. - This way, sir. - Thank you.

925. We feared that some disaster had befallen you.

926. - I'm so sorry I'm late. - And where is?

927. Julie sends her regrets. She dropped a box on her foot

928. - and broke a distal phalange. - Please wish her a swift recovery.

929. I had hoped for another woman to lend some poetry.

930. I understood from my husband

931. I would not have to suffer another business conversation.

932. What was it Baudelaire said?

933. "Misunderstanding makes the world go 'round."

934. I see we will have poetry after all.

935. It is rare to find an American businessman with a sense of culture.

936. Tim! It's me again! Barry! Disregard all previous messages!

937. I figured it out! Help is on the way! Bye!

938. Obviously, many of the strategies are complex.

939. - I imagine you have several questions. - I am a simple man, Mr. Conrad.

940. My father left me with very little, except for all of his money.

941. The world is full of people who want to separate me from it.

942. Why should I trust you with $100 million?

943. A very fair question.

944. Now, you're obviously very civilized people.

945. But, unfortunately, the world of finance is a brutal place.

946. The good hunters win. The bad hunters lose.

947. I am a very good hunter.

948. You are refreshingly honest, Mr. Conrad.

949. I try to be. I hope we can do business together.

950. A call for you, sir.

951. I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Hello?

952. I got your back, Tim. Can you hear me?

953. - Hello? - Hello!

954. - Hello? Hello? - Hello?

955. Hello. Hello.

956. Hello. My name is Tim's brother, Barry, and this is Julie.

957. Tim, look. I brought Julie.

958. Hi, my love. Oh, I have missed you so.

959. You...

960. You know... Your phalange. You shouldn't be here.

961. Nonsense. She is the picture of health.

962. Please. Sit. Sit, sit.

963. Thank you.

964. - Birgit Mueller. - Such a pleasure.

965. - Martin Mueller, delighted. - Such a pleasure.

966. And I am Barry. Delightful.

967. I am so pleased you could join us. I always say you do not know a man

968. until you meet his partner in love.

969. I couldn't agree more. I would love to go over some of these main points.

970. - Where are you from? - We are from Switzerland.

971. You know what? We're gonna focus on business.

972. Switzerland! I love Switzerland. It is one of my favorite countries.

973. I love your army knives with the toothpicks.

974. And your cheese. Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?

975. Our countries are not enemies. They are friends.

976. - We are friends. - You have been to Switzerland?

977. No, but I have a friend who drives a Volvo.

978. And I speak a little of your language.

979. That's my brother. Always joking.

980. It's a jokey joke, ja?

981. You know, we should continue this conversation back in my office.

982. But I have not received my salmon.

983. Or my green salad.

984. So...

985. do you and Julie have wedding bells in your future?

986. That's kind of a sore topic. He keeps asking her, but she keeps saying no.

987. - Ask me again. - No, it's not the right time.

988. If a woman asks you to propose, it is the right time.

989. Really, I can't.

990. - Why not? - Do it. Do it!

991. - I don't have a ring. - Yeah, you do.

992. - No, I don't. - Yeah, you do. It's in your pocket.

993. - Come on. You know you have it... - Barry...

994. - Told ya. - You are a hunter, Mr. Conrad.

995. There is nothing more honorable than for a man

996. to join himself to his lady love.

997. Join yourself to her. In the name of love.

998. Join yourself in the name of love.

999. You must kneel, Mr. Conrad. She is a princess.

1000. Thank you.

1001. Something's happening!

1002. - Julie... - Call me Darla.

1003. - Oh, I don't want to call you Darla. - Julie's just a nickname.

1004. - I want it to be real. - Look into her eyes.

1005. Look, look.

1006. There is your home. There is your future.

1007. I love you, Tim.

1008. Do it, do it, do it!

1009. Do it!

1010. - Julie. - Darla.

1011. Darla. Will you marry me?

1012. Yes. Yes!

1013. Look at that. We did it.

1014. - Julie. - I thought this was Julie.

1015. - Nope. I'm Julie. - They are both Julie.

1016. Julie and Julie.

1017. Susana thought you were gonna lose your promotion

1018. if I didn't show up today.

1019. Look at you. You had a replacement all lined up.

1020. - Yeah. - No, no, no.

1021. - This is a huge misunderstanding. - Let me explain.

1022. This is Darla. She's a naughty schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes.

1023. I didn't know whether you were gonna come today,

1024. so I brought Darla to keep things running smoothly.

1025. Very important potential client.

1026. That clears that up. Yeah. Thank you.

1027. Darling, you're embarrassing yourself. It's over.

1028. She's really quite a catch, Tim. Congratulations.

1029. - No! Julie... - Nice to have met you.

1030. - He's very crafty. - Julie! Julie!

1031. I'm so sorry. I hope we can continue this at a later date,

1032. - but, actually, I love her. - Wait, Tim?

1033. - Julie! - Tim?

1034. Julie! Julie, look...

1035. Wait, wait, I know that looked awkward, but you've gotta trust me.

1036. - Trust you? - Yes. I trust you.

1037. I know you spent the night at Kieran's ranch. I know nothing happened.

1038. Right?

1039. I didn't go to Kieran's ranch last night.

1040. - I'm going now. - No! Don't go! Don't go!

1041. Tim, I have to go. It's my job. We're going to San Francisco this weekend

1042. to set up for the show. He wants me to be part of his artistic process.

1043. His artistic process... That means sex, Julie.

1044. He told me last night when I broke into his house!

1045. You broke into his house?

1046. My God. I guess there really is a you I don't know.

1047. It's too bad. I was so in love with the other one.

1048. - Hop in. - Move.

1049. OK.

1050. Tim, Tim...

1051. Play dead!

1052. I don't think you're a very nice person, Tim.

1053. Just stay out of my life. And I'm keeping the ring.

1054. I think that was really good for her.

1055. See? It works.

1056. I can't help but think this is partially my fault.

1057. Really? Well, it is your fault. It's 100 percent your fault!

1058. I'm sorry.

1059. Hello, Therman. You win.

1060. You can eat my pudding.

1061. Thirty-one Lighthill Drive. OK, Therman.

1062. I don't even know who he is anymore. It's like I'm having a bad dream.

1063. I mean, am I crazy? Am I completely delusional, here?

1064. I don't even know what's going on anymore.

1065. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be unloading this.

1066. I want to photograph you right now.

1067. I don't think it's the best time right now, really.

1068. It is exactly the best time. I've never seen you like this.

1069. You're so raw, so wonderfully visible. So beautiful.

1070. This is weird, Kieran. I don't think we should...

1071. Not doing this would be weird. Keep talking. Tell me about Tim.

1072. I don't know. I mean, I just...

1073. I just always thought that there was this decent...

1074. basic person underneath it all.

1075. You'd think that you would know someone after two years.

1076. But, no. That's bad.

1077. He's such a smooth talker. So convincing.

1078. I don't even know if anything he's ever said to me is true.

1079. - These pictures are gonna be amazing. - Kieran, you've lost your mind!

1080. - This is crazy! No! - Don't fight it. It's art.

1081. I don't want to take pictures. Can we just stop it?

1082. What are you doing here?

1083. Julie, there's something I need to tell you.

1084. - Kieran has gonorrhea. - No, I don't.

1085. - You might. - I don't.

1086. - Well, she does. She has gonorrhea. - What?

1087. - Don't sleep with her. - She doesn't.

1088. - Are you sure? - Yes.

1089. Because you can get it from riding the bus.

1090. - No, you can't. - Yes, you can, Tim.

1091. That's how my wife got it.

1092. Barry, no one here has gonorrhea.

1093. I do.

1094. I have gonorrhea.

1095. I got gonorrhea from my wife, who got it from a bus seat.

1096. And no one should sleep with me.

1097. OK.

1098. Could I speak with Julie alone, please?

1099. Tim, you have to tell her what's in your heart,

1100. - you have to be honest with her. - Yeah.

1101. That's what I did with Martha, and that did not work.

1102. But I think this'll work for you.

1103. - OK. - Thank you. All right.

1104. Have you ever just spent five months

1105. living with a herd of goats, as one of them?

1106. - No? - No.

1107. That surprises me.

1108. The thing about a goat is, it never denies itself what it's hungry for.

1109. A goat will eat anything. A goat could probably eat a bike.

1110. A goat could eat itself, if it was driven to it.

1111. I'm just a goat...

1112. who's halfway through eating itself.

1113. Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about?

1114. Everything.

1115. I had no idea. It happened one night three years ago, before we ever met.

1116. I haven't seen her since.

1117. So she just popped back up into your life, like that?

1118. She tried to get in touch with me and Barry intercepted the message.

1119. - So it's all Barry's fault? - Barry is... He's a sweet guy,

1120. but he is a tornado of destruction. The only friends he has are dead mice,

1121. and that's 'cause they're the only ones that can't get away from him.

1122. You know what else mice can't do?

1123. They can't lie.

1124. Barry. Barry!

1125. I'm gonna go to San Francisco tonight.

1126. And... I'll come by to pack around eight.

1127. I think it's better if you're not there.

1128. I never really knew what Martha thought of me

1129. until I heard her talking behind my back.

1130. You were lying to me the whole time. You didn't like me.

1131. "How do I get ahead in business? How do I get ahead? Oh, I know...

1132. I'll find a great taxidermist and I'll hit him with my car.

1133. And then I'll invite him to dinner. That'll do it."

1134. Well, somebody forgot to tell you there is no "me" in "mean."

1135. Well, there is a bit of a happy ending.

1136. 'Cause the mean guy finally got what he deserved.

1137. World's smallest violin, and it's playing just for you.

1138. - Sorry. - What?

1139. - I'm sorry. - Oh, OK. Whatever.

1140. - Hello? - Tim!

1141. I heard you had an interesting brunch this morning.

1142. Sir, I can explain.

1143. You might want to explain it to Mr. Mueller.

1144. You should have told me Barry was your fool.

1145. We have the same game in Switzerland.

1146. Dinner for Unterschlagen.

1147. I am very much looking forward

1148. to seeing the two of you this evening, Mr. Conrad.

1149. Where are you? Dinner's about to start.

1150. There's been a complication.

1151. Tim, for Christ sake, we're running on fumes.

1152. If we don't make this deal tonight, there is no Fender Financial.

1153. So, hurry up. We gotta land Mueller tonight.

1154. My guy's a lock. You know what I'm saying? Mueller's gonna love him.

1155. Now, he might be a little late.

1156. - He's on his way, but... - Tim!

1157. Sir, I've run into a little bit of a problem.

1158. Never mind that. You know, ever since I invited you to this thing,

1159. Caldwell's been telling me I made a mistake.

1160. He says you're not cut out for it.

1161. - Really? - Caldwell is full of shit.

1162. Mueller told me your guy was good. I had no idea he was this good.

1163. Well, I try to look at the bright side.

1164. You could say I'm an eternal optometrist.

1165. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

1166. Unless you don't have any water or sugar.

1167. And then, then you just eat the lemons.

1168. And the rind will give you diarrhea. So, mama mia, papa pia,

1169. baby got the diarr... Hey, Tim!

1170. Mr. Conrad! You have been missing all the fun.

1171. Barry... you're here.

1172. Yes, and I have been telling Sir Lancelot that you deserve a promotion.

1173. And he's been making a pretty persuasive case, Tim.

1174. Tim, I'd like to introduce my friend, Lewis,

1175. - and his wife, Diane. - Your wife?

1176. For now.

1177. - Honey, please. - Honey, please. You're so pathetic!

1178. My God, it's raining men. I don't know who's more gorgeous.

1179. Well, beauty's only skin deep.

1180. Unless there's something wrong with your bone structure. And then...

1181. you could have flawless skin and still be very ugly.

1182. Because your bones are just... gross.

1183. Lewis, Diane, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

1184. I think you're drunk.

1185. Not drunk enough to do you.

1186. Tim, when you said this was a dinner for extraordinary people,

1187. I had no idea. Look at that.

1188. Are you hungry? He hasn't eaten a lot today.

1189. Come on.

1190. Yes?

1191. OK... her. You know what she does?

1192. She communicates with dead pets.

1193. Lorenzo's mother wants to talk to him.

1194. Right? Nice?

1195. OK, that guy? Right there? 2002 National Beard Champion.

1196. I'm telling you, these people are amazing.

1197. - I am so not in their league. - Barry, what are you...

1198. - Why are you here? - Because that's what friends do.

1199. I know, I know. You chose some words carelessly.

1200. I know you are in a dark place, but I also know

1201. that you need to show your boss that you are friends with a winner.

1202. In my book, you're a winner, too.

1203. Ladies and gentlemen! Dinner is served.

1204. The eyes are but two of the five senses.

1205. Remove them and the others become incredibly sensitive.

1206. But some people still ask:

1207. How can a blind man compete at the Olympic Games as fencer?

1208. I will show you how.

1209. Absolutely tremendous!

1210. - All right! - Are you enjoying this?

1211. Yes. Such a pleasure to laugh at the misfortune of others.

1212. Are they cute when they're small,

1213. or are they pretty much horrible the whole time?

1214. - Are you looking down my dress? - No.

1215. - Why not? - I don't know.

1216. - Tim, were you? - No.

1217. - Please don't embarrass me. - I'm not doing... Oh, God.

1218. - Here you go, sir. - Here you are, ma'am. Bon appetit.

1219. I am receiving a message from the other side!

1220. I'm trapped. Where are they taking me?

1221. - She's talking to the lobster. - The water, it...

1222. boils!

1223. That might win. That might win.

1224. Fuck it. I don't care.

1225. So, Tim... I understand your guest has an interesting hobby.

1226. I guess I'm up. Wish me luck.

1227. This is something that I call the Tower of Dreamers.

1228. A thousand years ago, the only people on Earth were monkeys.

1229. And they said, "We'll never walk erectus.

1230. We'll never use tools. We'll never talk."

1231. And then one monkey said: "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm talking right now."

1232. That monkey... was a dreamer.

1233. - Mice dressed as monkeys. - Yes.

1234. - Good. - Oh, my God.

1235. Fast-forward 500 years.

1236. The Wright Brothers decide to make themselves a flying machine.

1237. "You fools! You idiots! What's your problem?" everyone shouted.

1238. "That will never work because plywood weighs more than air!"

1239. To which the Wright Brothers

1240. "No, it doesn't."

1241. The Wright Brothers were dreamers.

1242. The Earl of Sandwich and Sir Francis Bacon.

1243. Had it not been for them, the BLT would merely be lettuce and tomato.

1244. They were dreamers. And sandwich makers.

1245. It's not over yet.

1246. Vincent van Gogh.

1247. Everyone told him, "You only have one ear.

1248. You cannot be a great artist."

1249. And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."

1250. Vincent van Gogh was a dreamer.

1251. - I love to paint. - Really?

1252. - I love to paint. - Are you any good?

1253. - I don't know. - Of course not.

1254. Louis Pasteur turned cheese into medicine.

1255. Benjamin Franklin.

1256. People said, "You can't fly a kite in a rainstorm."

1257. And Ben Franklin said, "Yes, you can, if you have an electric kite."

1258. Little detail with the kite. That's good, ja?

1259. A man who broke more bones...

1260. than any man in history:

1261. Evel Knievel.

1262. It's fantastic.

1263. Well played, rookie. Well played.

1264. And who might this handsome young lad be?

1265. Tim Conrad.

1266. He believes that someday he will marry the girl of his dreams,

1267. even though every time he asks, she says no.

1268. And even though, as we speak, she is probably having sex

1269. with a handsome artist. Tim Conrad... is a dreamer.

1270. So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams.

1271. You can climb the highest mountain.

1272. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup.

1273. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something,

1274. you say, "Yes, I can.

1275. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!"

1276. Bravo!

1277. Bravo, sir!

1278. You must come to Switzerland. You'll be the toast of Zurich!

1279. I can't understand your accent!

1280. - Caldwell. This guy's taking it. - The night is young.

1281. Gentlemen, ladies, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Therman Murch,

1282. IRS auditor and master of mind control.

1283. Therman?

1284. Sorry for my tardiness.

1285. Mr. Murch came by the office last night.

1286. Shame to hear about that audit, Tim.

1287. Anything I can do to help, I'm here for you.

1288. Barry, what are you doing here?

1289. I dunno.

1290. - You two know each other? - Yes. We work together.

1291. I'm gonna have to get the address of that office.

1292. So Therman was telling me about some of his techniques for mind control,

1293. and I gotta say, I was pretty blown away.

1294. Yes. The brain has pressure points, just like any other muscle.

1295. Apply those pressure points,

1296. and the brain will obey your every command.

1297. Allow me to demonstrate.

1298. Barry!

1299. Barry.

1300. Look into my eyes, Barry.

1301. Barry!

1302. Where is your wife, Barry?

1303. Tell us. Where is she? Come on, Barry, tell us.

1304. - Your house? - Yes.

1305. Let me just get this straight, Barry. Your wife left you for him?

1306. She has extraordinary taste in men.

1307. And, tell us, Barry... why did your wife leave you?

1308. - Spit it out of your mouth. - No.

1309. - Say it! - No.

1310. Say it, boy!

1311. I lost her clitoris.

1312. - That's right. - You lost her clitoris?

1313. She got mad because I couldn't find it.

1314. - Well, you know. - I said, "It's probably in your purse,"

1315. because nine times out of ten when she loses something,

1316. that's where they end up.

1317. Barry, do you even know what that is?

1318. I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

1319. Well, don't worry, Barry. I found it.

1320. It was in her purse.

1321. It was in her naughty purse.

1322. Well, I mean, thank God somebody found it, right?

1323. I thought I found it under the couch.

1324. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.

1325. I release you!

1326. Ladies and gentlemen, mind control.

1327. Bravo.

1328. Bravo! Bravo!

1329. That was sweet.

1330. Barry, you're better than him. Martha may not see it, but I do.

1331. Thanks. Thank you, Tim. You're a good friend.

1332. - No, I'm not. - Yeah, you are.

1333. I'm not. Barry, this... Man, this...

1334. This dinner isn't what you think it is.

1335. What?

1336. We invited you all here to make fun of you.

1337. So you invite a bunch of incredibly talented people to dinner

1338. - and you make fun of them? - No. It's a dinner for idiots.

1339. Well, you'd better go find some idiots.

1340. We do.

1341. I'm sorry. I... Really, I'm so sorry.

1342. If it's any consolation, Therman will probably win first prize.

1343. He'll have that, too.

1344. And he'll be able to lord it over me for the rest of my life.

1345. Barry, first prize is the biggest idiot.

1346. I know. That guy beats me at everything. He just...

1347. I don't know, what's the use? He has mind control, I don't.

1348. Barry, look at me.

1349. Therman has mind control, but you...

1350. you have brain control. - Brain control? What?

1351. - You didn't know you had brain control? - No.

1352. I knew it the second that I met you.

1353. You crawled in my brain, and you stayed there.

1354. - I did? - You did.

1355. And I can't get rid of you, no matter how hard I try.

1356. You burrowed your way into my brain, through my ear, like an earwig!

1357. - I didn't mean to. - It's like you set up camp,

1358. - and I can't get you out of my head! - I'm an earwig?

1359. It's like teeth and spikes and...

1360. all your... spilling out millions of earwig eggs all in my brain!

1361. - I can't do anything about it! - Oh, my God!

1362. Brain control beats mind control any day of the week!

1363. Because the brain tells the mind what to do!

1364. You can beat this guy. You can beat this guy, Barry.

1365. Barry, you can beat Therman.

1366. "You may say I'm a dreamer..."

1367. "But I'm not the only one..."

1368. I'm going to go lay eggs in his brain.

1369. - Back for more, Barry? - Yes! I am, Therman.

1370. Only this time, I brought my secret weapon... my brain.

1371. - What are you talking about? - He's talking about brain control.

1372. Brain control? There ain't no such thing as brain control.

1373. There is mind control. Brain control is ridiculous.

1374. That's ridiculous.

1375. Yes, it's ridiculous.

1376. - That's ridiculous. - Barry.

1377. Barry.

1378. - Barry. - Barry.

1379. - What are you doing? - Oh, my God.

1380. - It works. - How are you doing that?

1381. I am making you say everything that I say.

1382. Yeah, but I'm saying it first.

1383. - Are you? - Yes!

1384. Really?

1385. I am very, very powerful.

1386. Oh, my gosh.

1387. - Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

1388. Oh, no!

1389. Best dinner ever.

1390. You have no secrets from me.

1391. Oh, contrary. You have no secrets from me, Therman.

1392. I know that, after sex, you like to curl up in the fecal position.

1393. You cry like a little baby.

1394. - Martha told you. - No, she did not.

1395. I know that you take a magic marker and you draw a face on your penis.

1396. Is that against the law? I don't think so.

1397. And you put a little hat on it, and you call it Sammy.

1398. Nobody is supposed to know that.

1399. - And you sing to it. - You keep your mouth shut!

1400. That's... That's not 100 percent true.

1401. I know everything! I have laid eggs inside of your brain.

1402. Get them out of my head!

1403. You are no longer in control of me! I control you!

1404. And you are under my power. I know everything, Therman.

1405. And I release you.

1406. Barry! Barry!

1407. Yeah!

1408. I hope that you have all kept your receipts,

1409. because you will all be audited.

1410. He slept with Martha at my house!

1411. I was under the bed the whole time. What an idiot!

1412. Right? I know!

1413. We have a little tradition, here, at this dinner.

1414. We give an award to the evening's most extraordinary person.

1415. Tonight's winner is the most extraordinary person I have ever met.

1416. Our winner:

1417. Barry!

1418. Yeah!

1419. - We did it! - Congratulations.

1420. Thank you.

1421. I look forward to working with you, Mr. Conrad.

1422. Tim, Tim, you did it. Your guy is amazing.

1423. Mueller loves him.

1424. He is amazing.

1425. - I thought you did such a great job. - You're the winner?

1426. - I am, yeah! - Whatever.

1427. And he deserves a hell of a lot better than this.

1428. - They all do. - What do you mean, exactly?

1429. Any one of you would throw me under the bus for a bigger bonus.

1430. And Barry would throw himself in front of a car to save a mouse...

1431. even though it was already dead.

1432. I have been trying to play on your team.

1433. Barry doesn't deserve that trophy. I do.

1434. Hold on a second. Tim, I won this trophy fair and square.

1435. Barry, you don't want that trophy.

1436. - I've never won a trophy before. - Yeah, I know, but...

1437. - You know what? Keep the trophy. - OK.

1438. I'm sorry. What's going on here?

1439. Well, these people invited us here to make fun of us.

1440. This is a contest for the biggest idiot.

1441. Which I nailed!

1442. Wait, wait, wait...

1443. - You told him? - I did.

1444. It seems this contest was fixed.

1445. I thought you conducted yourselves honorably.

1446. No, we do. We do.

1447. We do. Tim had a very bright future here,

1448. but for some reason, he's chosen to throw his lot in with the losers.

1449. Excuse me? I think I must not have heard correctly.

1450. - Did he call us losers? - He did.

1451. You insult my honor at great risk. I will be leaving.

1452. Count yourself lucky I have spared your life.

1453. Yeah!

1454. - Marco! - Oh, God.

1455. So it is a fight you want, is it? Well, you shall have your fight.

1456. But on my terms.

1457. In a world of complete darkness, the sighted are blind...

1458. but the blind can see.

1459. Oh, God.

1460. Welcome... to my world.

1461. I am invisible. Where am I?

1462. - He's good. - I am a shadow...

1463. with a big knife!

1464. - Simmer down! - I can smell your fear!

1465. I think he's gonna kill someone.

1466. Over here!

1467. Hey, no! Not the boys!

1468. This has become a fiasco!

1469. Wait a second... the Swedish guy who thinks he's a German!

1470. He's an idiot, too! Mueller!

1471. This is what you've been up to all along!

1472. No! No!

1473. - You brought me here to make fun! - No...

1474. I can assure you. I am no Unterschlagen!

1475. No, no! Lorenzo, no!

1476. - Somebody, grab the bird! - I got it...

1477. No, no, no!

1478. It is my wife's favorite finger! Please get it back now!

1479. Williams, get the bird! Somebody kill the bird!

1480. - They're going to kill my bird! - It's not his time!

1481. - It's over there! - Don't hurt him!

1482. - Get the bird! - Parry right, thrust left!

1483. You want the bird? You have to kill me first!

1484. Fight like a blind man! Kick him in the business center!

1485. Right here.

1486. - There's a fire! - Oh, come on!

1487. Grab the vulture!

1488. Somebody, just let the bird out! Please! Just let him out!

1489. - Wait, I have an idea. - Let Lorenzo out!

1490. You, stop! Don't move or I'm gonna kill you.

1491. Allow me.

1492. There it is!

1493. Nice!

1494. Wanna?

1495. Great dinner! Let's go get Julie!

1496. Mein finger!

1497. Don't you die on me!

1498. - Julie! Julie? - Julie?

1499. Julie?

1500. Tim.

1501. There's a way to read that that's actually positive.

1502. How? How is that positive, Barry?

1503. "Tim, have a ni..."

1504. "Hey, Tim, ha..."

1505. "Have a nice life."

1506. - This is my fault, isn't it? - It's not. It's my fault.

1507. I'm the reason this happened. Not you.

1508. I messed up. Want to hear something pathetic?

1509. God, yeah.

1510. You know why I wanted that promotion?

1511. So that Julie would think that I was good enough for her.

1512. So stupid. I couldn't believe that someone so amazing

1513. would want anything to do with me. I tried to impress her...

1514. with stuff she doesn't care about, I don't care about.

1515. You know what I care about? Her.

1516. And what else?

1517. Waking up next to her every day, seeing her every day.

1518. And more things?

1519. She's the greatest thing in my life, and I blew it. God, I'm an idiot.

1520. What are you doing?

1521. Did you know I was listening?

1522. - No. - I did. I did.

1523. I... I thought you'd gone.

1524. I left my phone.

1525. - Julie... I'm... - Julie?

1526. We should hurry if we're gonna catch that plane.

1527. - Kieran... - Julie, I will handle this.

1528. Kieran... since the dawn of ancient times,

1529. men and women have striven to find the perfect mate.

1530. And, once in a while, a couple will meet

1531. and spark a passion that is so powerful,

1532. a thousand armies could not pull them apart.

1533. That is what you have with Julie.

1534. But Tim got there first.

1535. And if Julie leaves, it will kill him.

1536. People can die of broken hearts.

1537. I know. It almost happened to me.

1538. And because of that... you may see Julie no more.

1539. You may talk to Julie no more.

1540. You may look upon Julie's face... no more.

1541. OK, but we work together, so...

1542. What part of "no more" do you not understand?

1543. We had a talk, Kieran and I,

1544. and he understands it's purely professional.

1545. - There is professional no more. - He's right, Julie.

1546. If we start this fire... we'll burn this world to ashes.

1547. - What are you talking about? - If you start this fire...

1548. - Burn it to ashes. burn this world to ashes.

1549. - There goes my museum show. - Welcome to my world.

1550. - Yeah. - Julie...

1551. I love you. I don't care if we get married. I'll stop asking.

1552. Don't stop asking.

1553. - You are a wise man, my friend. - As are you.

1554. Au revoir, Julie. Au revoir, Tim.

1555. Au revoir, Kieran.

1556. Be kind to your birds and your goats!

1557. We're gonna be so happy together!

1558. I guess things really do happen for a reason.

1559. Tim lost his job, but the two of us remain best friends.

1560. And once a month, I invite him to a gathering I host.

1561. It's called The Breakfast of Champions.

1562. Kieran and I became friends.

1563. He asked me to collaborate with him,

1564. and we showed our work all over the world...

1565. including South Africa.

1566. And guess who came to see us?

1567. Morgan Freeman.

1568. Tim went on to help Martin Mueller convert his munitions factory

1569. into the Martin Mueller Museum of Modern Art...

1570. or...

1571. Kieran and I collaborated on a sculpture for the opening.

1572. I met up with Darla again. Boy, does she like role playing.

1573. She had me play detective, and she left all of these clues.

1574. And you know what?

1575. I found it.

1576. Therman wrote a new book.

1577. And it is very popular in some circles.

1578. I guess it's true what they say... "A mind is a terrible thing."

1579. Oh, yeah, as for Tim and Julie... Well, Julie finally said yes.

1580. They went to Paris for the honeymoon.

1581. I waited around to surprise them, but it never felt like the right time.

1582. Anyway, I can tell you this:

1583. They both got curated...

1584. several times.

1585. Oh, yeah... Fender's company went out of business.

1586. Forbes Magazine named him Wall Street's biggest loser!

1587. Way to go, Fender!