Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003)

1. Ward, I'm very worried about Beaver.

2. Mom's favorite vase.

3. She's always says, don't play ball in the house.

4. Sit on it, Fonzie.

5. Hey!

6. What about me, Mallory?

7. What about my feelings?

8. Hey, I knew everything would be all right.

9. Dyno-mite!

10. During the '70s, millions huddled in front of their TVs

11. to watch the frothy antics of The Glimmer Gang.

12. Little Dickie Roberts formed the center of the show,

13. and his crooked smile

14. and casually tossed off catch phrases

15. became the fad of a nation longing for escapism.

16. This is his story.

17. Peggy Roberts had only one goal in life—

18. to be in showbiz.

19. And when she got pregnant,

20. she felt like it only slowed her down.

21. Peggy never said for sure who the father was,

22. but the most persistent rumor

23. concluded that it was David Soul,

24. the talented, hunky actor from Starsky and Hutch.

25. Don't give up on us, baby...

26. And on July 2, 1967,

27. Dickie Roberts came into the world.

28. Peggy began auditioning him for acting parts almost daily.

29. Here's Peggy Roberts in a 1989 interview.

30. When it came to auditions,

31. I used to dress him up for the part, whatever it was.

32. I mean, if they wanted a cowboy,

33. they got a cowboy.

34. Even if they wanted a girl, I'd give them one.

35. Do you know that he once auditioned

36. for Pippi Longstocking?

37. And he got the part.

38. I felt so stupid walking into an office

39. holding the kid's hand.

40. It was rough on me.

41. Then, in 1972, when NBC

42. created a show called The Glimmer Gang,

43. Dickie was cast immediately.

44. The show became an instant success

45. and soon Dickie's picture was plastered on magazines,

46. lunch boxes and board games.

47. And his trademark catchphrase was everywhere.

48. This is Nucking Futs!

49. But after six years of success, the ratings began to slip.

50. And just as fast as the Dickie phenomenon exploded,

51. it was over.

52. Dickie's mother, soon after, left him

53. and moved out of the area.

54. He found himself alone.

55. Here's former Eight is Enough star Dick Van Patten.

56. Stardom is really hard on child actors,

57. and when you throw in a horrible stage mother like Peggy Roberts,

58. poor little Dickie had no chance.

59. Nobody would hire the troubled actor,

60. and pictures surfaced of Dickie's odd behavior—

61. including compulsive glove wearing.

62. He had his name legally changed to "David Soul's Son."

63. Then, tired of explaining who David Soul was,

64. he tried "Hutch's Son."

65. Later, he changed it again

66. to the element chart symbols

67. for fluorine, titanium and zinc.

68. Today, Dickie Roberts

69. is certain that a showbiz comeback

70. is in the cards for him.

71. He is working as a valet parking cars.

72. But as everybody knows,

73. in Hollywood, sometimes your dreams can come true... again.

74. This is the story of Dickie Roberts,

75. the E! True Hollywood Story.

76. Hi, everybody, welcome back to celebrity boxing

77. with our special "Quake at the Lake" edition.

78. Tonight's going to be an amazing fight.

79. Our main event is about to begin

80. and is going to be the clash of the titans.

81. Former Webster star Emmanuel Lewis goes toe-to-toe

82. with former Glimmer Gang star Dickie Roberts.

83. Coming to the ring in the white trunks,

84. from The Glimmer Gang,

85. Dickie...

86. Roberts!

87. And now, his opponent,

88. wearing black trunks,

89. standing four feet, three inches,

90. weighing 92 pounds,

91. Emmanuel... Lewis!

92. It's Lewis time.

93. Lewis time, baby.

94. It's Lewis, you understand me?

95. Right now.

96. Tonight, Lewis time. Lewis time.

97. Uh-oh, look.

98. When was this guy in the joint?

99. - You suck. - Huh?

100. What did she just say? Did you hear her?

101. Get down there!

102. Ow! Let's be friends!

103. Yeah!

104. Where you going?

105. I liked your show.

106. Off the mat, sir.

107. I'm throwing in the towel. No, no, no.

108. The winner, Celebrity K.O. Champion...

109. The winner!

110. I can't believe this.

111. Uh... what am I doing here?

112. Come on, Cyndi, it's just a flat tire.

113. We'll get it fixed.

114. Then we'll be back home to Hollywood.

115. I like your hat.

116. Shut up.

117. First you get your ass kicked

118. by some guy who's half your size...

119. I-I think he's on the juice.

120. No, I think you're just a puss.

121. Look, we're broke,

122. okay?

123. Maybe now might be a good time

124. to try to sell that stupid autobiography

125. you write all the time.

126. I-I can't publish

127. this right now,

128. because it ends up with me being a loser.

129. I have to wait to publish it

130. until I'm back on top, which I will be soon, I swear.

131. I'm going to have a big comeback.

132. There's something you got to face, baby.

133. Okay, there's not going to be any comeback.

134. Yes, there will be.

135. Yes, there will be,

136. I know it.

137. So pathetic.

138. There has to be!

139. Dickie!

140. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

141. Grab it! Whoa, no!

142. Maybe we can drive it out of here.

143. Does insurance cover that?

144. What, being a moron?

145. No, they squeeze out of it

146. with that Act of An Idiot clause.

147. Ooh, here comes a car.

148. All right, now you get in

149. and then stall them so I can get in, too.

150. Yeah, I know the drill, champ.

151. Hey.

152. Where you going, stud?

153. It's up to you, sweetheart.

154. Hey, wait!

155. Cyndi, open up!

156. Cyndi, come on!

157. What are you doing?

158. Come on, I'll be a star again.

159. Lifestyles of the rich and the famous

160. They're always complaining

161. Always complaining

162. That money is such a problem

163. But they got mansions

164. Think we should rob them

165. Lifestyles of the rich and famous.

166. Dickie.

167. Leif, wow, how you doing?

168. Fine man.

169. Good to see you.

170. Oh, my God. You're Leif Garrett.

171. I used to have such a crush on you.

172. Can I have your autograph?

173. You guys want my autograph, too? Dickie Roberts?

174. No, I'm fine.

175. How about if I put it on a $5 bill?

176. Make it a $20?

177. Thanks.

178. They're sweet.

179. So, Dickie, how you been, what's up?

180. Just got back from a very successful TV stint.

181. No such thing as bad press, right?

182. Unless it's that.

183. So, Leif, what have you been up to?

184. I got a record out that I'm happy about.

185. Rock and roll, man.

186. Went on an acting audition

187. about three months ago.

188. Well, that's great man.

189. I've been going on movie auditions all the time,

190. Hey, you going to read for Mr. Blake's Backyard?

191. I definitely am.

192. I was... where...

193. What-What's that one again?

194. Rob Reiner's new film?

195. It's the talk of the town.

196. Yes, Rob Reiner.

197. My God, did his dog have puppies yet?

198. Ooh, I should send him a note.

199. You know what, I have to call him anyway.

200. I left my sweater in his guest room.

201. It's called Mr. Blake's Backyard?

202. Remember how Frank Sinatra in his comeback

203. played Maggio in From Here to Eternity,

204. and then won the Oscar?

205. Or like Travolta in Pulp Fiction?

206. It's the role of a lifetime, man.

207. Great. Leif, I got to go.

208. It was good to see you, man.

209. Hey, are we still on for poker Thursday?

210. Cyndi, where are you?

211. I've left three messages.

212. Listen, there's this new movie, it's a Rob Reiner movie.

213. You got to get me in...

214. Dickie. Go to go.

215. Are you going to park cars or what?

216. They're stacking up?

217. Yes, sir, Mr. Rollins.

218. Look, Dickie, the only reason I hired you

219. is I used to watch your show,

220. and your life is kind of pathetic.

221. Thanks for being a fan.

222. You never get anywhere unless you bend the rules a little bit.

223. Woo-hoo.

224. Uh, this is the Wernick Agency.

225. This is his assistant... Shaquikwa speaking.

226. Sidney, where the hell have you been?

227. I've been calling all morning.

228. Hey, you know those pigeons I feed?

229. They attacked me, six of the bastards.

230. I had to go get stitches.

231. Wait a second, wait a second.

232. Oh, come on, what is this guy doing?

233. Hey, move that pile.

234. The light ain't getting any greener, jarhead.

235. Hey, screw you, man.

236. Why don't you step out of that little,

237. bitty wussy car and talk to my face, huh?

238. Hey, screw you.

239. I'll kick your steroid-loving ass, moron.

240. Jujube.

241. I'm going to bust you up, man.

242. Smell you later, stink bomb.

243. I'll find you.

244. Three, G, Q...

245. Hey, Dickie, aren't you worried about that guy

246. tracking you down and beating the crap out of you?

247. No, I'm in someone else's car, plus the windows are tinted.

248. Hey, listen, this movie part

249. sounds like the key to everything, man.

250. You've got to get me in to see Rob Reiner.

251. And as your agent, let me ask you this—

252. you got any ideas?

253. 'Cause, I mean, that's just way out of our league.

254. Now, you want to get on Elimidate,

255. that's a different story.

256. I think if I talk to some movie stars,

257. they can help me.

258. Yeah, you, where are you going to meet movie stars?

259. Oh, man, that's the easy part.

260. So, I woke up in a boxcar outside Lincoln, Nebraska.

261. All right, it was 5:00 in the morning.

262. Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?

263. Hey, hey, it's Tom "A" in here, okay?

264. And keep quiet; it's just getting good.

265. She's a cross-addicted sex addict.

266. Ooh.

267. And I realized

268. that I had hit bottom.

269. I hit bottom.

270. I see you on TV all the time.

271. You're doing great. Listen, what's up?

272. Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.

273. They want to buy your collars.

274. They're going to take off from Kitty Hawk at sundown.

275. What does that mean?

276. They invented the airplane,

277. and your lapels are unusually huge.

278. That's funny.

279. Yeah.

280. Or is it?

281. I can bench-press 350 pounds.

282. That's great. That's a lot.

283. Hey, man, I see you everywhere.

284. You're kicking ass.

285. True Lies was great.

286. I rent it all the time.

287. Can you get me in with Rob Reiner?

288. Excuse me. Sir?

289. Can we help you?

290. Are you here because you're an alcoholic?

291. Whoa. No. No. Baby.

292. Don't get that floating around town.

293. Last thing I need is people to think

294. I'm some drunk, alkie loser.

295. Not that it's bad. I mean, it's cool.

296. You need to be an alcoholic to be here.

297. All right.

298. Aw, there's got to be another AA meeting around here somewhere.

299. Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser to block.

300. Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang, but I am wasted.

301. Drinking shots

302. like a madman.

303. I'm shocked, cocked and crapulous.

304. You know what I mean?

305. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

306. Right? Who's with me?

307. This guy knows what I'm saying.

308. Can we help you?

309. Oh, God, I hope you can.

310. My name's Dickie Roberts,

311. and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.

312. Well, that's all very interesting,

313. but this is a Lamaze class.

314. Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.

315. I'm telling this story to everybody I see.

316. That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed.

317. Maybe it was.

318. But listen, what are you doing

319. in Lamaze class anyway?

320. Is your wife pregnant?

321. Yeah. My wife is pregnant.

322. Here she is now. Have you met?

323. Uh... no. Actually, we have.

324. Three years ago, you hit on me, and I shot you down,

325. and then you stole my number from a friend.

326. You know that we've been married

327. more than three years, right?

328. And then you drunk-dialed me,

329. like, 30 times, trying to hook up some sort of booty call.

330. Yes, right. What's up?

331. Anyway, I got to pee.

332. Nice to see you.

333. Yes. Good to see you again.

334. Anyway, Brendan,

335. I'm a big fan and...

336. And you think that you could score

337. if I got you an audition for Mr. Blake's Backyard?

338. Oh, my God. Of course.

339. Yeah, I can make a phone call for you. Is it Rob Reiner?

340. Oh, my God! I love Brendan Frazier.

341. Fraser.

342. It is Fraser.

343. It's Fraser. Why do people say...?

344. So, my good buddy—

345. maybe you've heard of him-

346. Jorge of the Jungle— Brendan Fraser.

347. Oh, you heard me.

348. I didn't stutter.

349. Brendan Fraser is going to make a call—

350. hook me up with Rob Reiner.

351. Did Mr. Fraser call you?

352. I'll believe it when I see it.

353. Okay, I raise ten bucks.

354. Actually, one buck

355. and the original braces that Marcia wore

356. in the "Brace Yourself" episode—

357. easily worth nine bucks on eBay.

358. Gross. I'm in.

359. All right, I'm in.

360. All right, speaking of big stars,

361. anybody seen who People Magazine gave Sexiest Man Alive to?

362. George Clooney. Don't get it.

363. George Clooney? That doesn't make sense.

364. Who is voting on that stuff?

365. You know what, though?

366. George Clooney is a great star.

367. He's huge, and deservedly so.

368. I loved that boat movie.

369. You know who I don't get is Brad Pitt.

370. Yeah, what's up with Brad Pitt?

371. Brad Pitt changes his hair every day.

372. Are girls really into guys with great hair,

373. pretty faces and built like a truck?

374. - Yeah. - Actually, yeah.

375. You know, one time,

376. someone thought I was Brad Pitt from the side.

377. Yeah, and 20 people

378. thought you were a girl, but not from the side.

379. Watch it.

380. I raise two bucks

381. with this

382. authentic replica of the jinxed

383. Tiki idol from the Brady episode

384. "Hawaii Bound."

385. Easily worth two bucks on eBay.

386. I am out.

387. Yeah, I'm out.

388. I'm out.

389. There's your two.

390. And you know who I don't get? Vin Diesel.

391. Oh, yes!

392. Who's Vin Diesel?

393. Is he good-looking?

394. I mean, I don't know

395. what's going on with him.

396. Is he Chinese? I don't know.

397. That's so horrible, man.

398. You're such a dick.

399. Besides, he'd kick your ass.

400. Come on, Dickie.

401. How jealous can you get, really?

402. It's getting bad.

403. Vin Diesel's actually a cool guy.

404. Yeah. Yeah.

405. He actually lent me money once.

406. I just want to be a star again so goddamn bad.

407. What's the thing you miss the most, Dickie?

408. You know what? It's not the limos.

409. Oh, I miss the limos.

410. It's not the girls,

411. the money, the parties...

412. - Girls. - Girls. Girls.

413. The money. Money.

414. Wait. Seriously, you guys had limos?

415. You know what? It's not that stuff I miss.

416. It's something else. It... it's something

417. I miss so bad it hurts.

418. I just miss the love, you know?

419. I miss... My mom loved me when I was a star,

420. and people loved me when I was a star.

421. And when somebody loves you,

422. it gives you center.

423. It makes you

424. feel good inside.

425. That's what being a star did for me.

426. But you know what?

427. It's all going to happen.

428. I got my fingers crossed.

429. I got my hopes up for this Rob Reiner thing.

430. Anyway... back to work.

431. Two pair, Williams.

432. Read it and weep.

433. Uh-uh-uh!

434. What are you, nucking futs?

435. Four of a kind.

436. You lose.

437. Oh, man.

438. they don't give out giant Rob Reiner parts to guys like us.

439. I'll bet you a thousand dollars—

440. I'll make it a hundred dollars—

441. and the actual football we used to hit Marcia in the face with

442. in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose"

443. episode,

444. Brendan Fraser never calls.

445. Hold, please.

446. Go for Dickie.

447. Brendan.

448. Of course I can meet Rob Reiner tomorrow at noon.

449. You're the coolest. You came through.

450. Thank you.

451. Oh, my God! He did it!

452. Sidney, this is the big one.

453. I'm telling you, I can feel it.

454. Thanks for letting me use your car.

455. You go, son. Go. You hang on to that energy.

456. Oh, I will. I'm going to nail this bastard.

457. All right, now, remember:

458. You believe, you'll receive.

459. You doubt, you'll go without.

460. Oh, here's my song. I got to go.

461. In the night

462. My body's weak

463. I'm on the run, no time to sleep

464. I'm going to ride

465. Ride like the wind

466. To be a star again

467. Changing the words, not the vibe.

468. Whoo-hoo! This part is mine!

469. Boom.

470. Hold the door!

471. Okay.

472. Hold it.

473. I've got it.

474. Ooh!

475. Oh.

476. Hello?

477. Of course.

478. Listen, sorry about that.

479. It's just that I couldn't be late to see Rob.

480. Yikes! I mean, not yikes.

481. I mean, what bump?

482. Hey, are these

483. Mr. Blake's Backyard? Can I have one?

484. Everybody in town is dying to read it,

485. but this script is on a complete and total lockdown.

486. However...

487. I'll sneak you a copy

488. 'cause I recognize you from that TV show.

489. Sure. Ooh, you will?

490. Although you'll have to wait

491. until hell freezes over, asshole!

492. Yes?

493. Yeah.

494. Mr. Reiner will see you now.

495. Okay.

496. Dickie

497. Roberts!

498. This is nucking futs!

499. Say it.

500. This is nucking futs!

501. Hilarious.

502. Now say it in Spanish.

503. Aw, I'm kidding ya.

504. So Nicholson says to Tom Cruise—

505. you know, in that... that Jack voice of his—

506. "That Demi Moore is a really good actress.

507. "We should re-title the movie

508. A Few Good Men and One Damn, Hot Chick with Huge Boobs."

509. Didn't I see you

510. parking cars at Morton's Restaurant?

511. Me?

512. Yes, you did.

513. I'm researching a role for a movie,

514. and that movie is called Valet Parkers.

515. But you know what?

516. If I got your movie, I'd turn that thing down. Who cares?

517. So this part...

518. I mean, you are exactly the height that I imagined.

519. You have the right build, the right hair,

520. the right basic look.

521. Know this:

522. I will do any form

523. of drastic cosmetic surgery

524. to change my appearance

525. to help the look.

526. But— and this

527. is a very big but—

528. this is a huge acting part.

529. I mean, the entire movie

530. hinges on this performance.

531. And, Dickie, I just don't think you could handle it.

532. I mean, because, well...

533. because you're not a real person.

534. Not real?

535. I don't mean to insult you.

536. It's just that, you know, when an actor researches a part,

537. it takes weeks, sometimes months,

538. to get inside of a character.

539. For you to research this part,

540. you'd have to find out what it's like to be normal.

541. Because basically, that's this guy.

542. He's just a simple, normal guy.

543. I could do that. That's easy.

544. But you don't even know what normal is.

545. You completely missed out

546. on the basic foundation of adulthood—

547. which is a childhood.

548. Who cares about all that stuff?

549. Look, I'm good.

550. Throw me a little somethin'-somethin'

551. from this supposed childhood I missed, I'll act it out, man.

552. Check it out.

553. A-All right. Uh...

554. Let's say you're... you're six.

555. Uh, let me see the look on your face

556. on Christmas morning when you creep down the stairs

557. and you see that red bike under the tree.

558. You probably never even had that experience.

559. Gotcha, six, bike, tree, stairs.

560. Fake stairs.

561. Holy shit! A bike!

562. You're six.

563. Holy crap! A bike!

564. You're six.

565. Ga-ga, goo-goo bikey.

566. Too far back.

567. Dickie, you're a mess.

568. I mean, I-I don't know what you'd have to do

569. You'd probably have to relive your entire childhood.

570. Wait.

571. I'm not actually casting this part

572. for another couple of months,

573. but barring some kind of a miracle, Yeah.

574. I just don't think this is right for you.

575. But you just said...

576. Said what?

577. If I relive my childhood.

578. I can do that.

579. Dickie, you're going to hire a family?

580. That's why I'm selling my book— I need money.

581. We're happy about that.

582. This is amazing stuff.

583. What a life you've led.

584. The only thing I ask

585. is that you minimize the sexy, sensational stuff

586. because it might hurt my career

587. with people like Rob Reiner.

588. Here on, uh, page 47, it says you had a whistle

589. stuck up your ass.

590. Yeah, stuff like that.

591. I think we should cut it.

592. Yeah, but it's a whole chapter.

593. It's fantastic. And, also,

594. I had a light bulb up there, too.

595. A light bulb? Well, partially.

596. It was sticking out a little bit and when I bent over,

597. it looked like my ass had a good idea.

598. Dickie, this whole thing just sounds bizarre.

599. No, you know what, I need this.

600. You know I want a big comeback and this is the one.

601. Please help me on this, Sidney. Come on.

602. Of course,

603. our standard advance

604. for something like this is $30,000.

605. Did you say $30,000?

606. Holy God Almighty!

607. Christ on a crutch!

608. We'll take it!

609. You have 67 messages.

610. First message:

611. I saw your ad about hiring a family.

612. You that actor guy needs a family?

613. Uh, yeah, but, you know what,

614. this whole thing's not going to work,

615. but thank you.

616. Get back here!

617. Dance with the devil!

618. Leave me alone!

619. You got the cizash, we got the family.

620. Sad Eye Sadie...

621. Mad Dog, is it, Giant?

622. Uh, I'm going to think about it.

623. Great.

624. Hey, yo, Dickie.

625. You nucking futs? Yo.

626. Call a bitch.

627. I don't actually have a family, per se.

628. Is it hot in here?

629. I'm just going to take off my robe.

630. Oh!

631. Oh, God.

632. This one's been teasing me.

633. Come on, Popeye.

634. Hello.

635. Hi.

636. Uh, may I help you? Yeah. I got a message

637. that you had a family

638. that was willing to put me up for a month?

639. Uh, sorry, there must be some mistake.

640. No, uh, 741 Mockingbird.

641. Is this the Finney residence?

642. but I don't know what you're talking about.

643. Hey, George. Hey, Andy.

644. Dickie Roberts.

645. "This is nucking futs!"

646. It is.

647. George Finney— big fan.

648. I just loved your show.

649. Oh, my goodness.

650. I thought you looked familiar.

651. But, George, did you...?

652. Oh, Grace, I should explain.

653. Dickie and I talked on the phone

654. about a mutually advantageous

655. business venture. Why don't we, uh,

656. go inside; I'll explain everything.

657. All right, that sounds great.

658. Hey. This is the casa.

659. Whoo! Kids?

660. Kids?

661. Hey, kids, come here for a second.

662. I want you to meet somebody.

663. George, can I talk to you for a minute?

664. Just a second, Grace.

665. Dickie, this is

666. Sam and Sally.

667. Sam's the boy,

668. so, that must make her Sally.

669. Okay, why don't you guys make small talk,

670. and Grace and I will pop into the other room

671. and hammer out some details.

672. Hi.

673. How are you?

674. We're fine.

675. How are you?

676. You don't think you should have

677. run all this by me first?

678. George, you invited a stranger

679. to live in our home.

680. It's only for a month or so.

681. Well... Look,

682. you just finished night school, right?

683. Started your interior design thing.

684. That costs money.

685. Money we don't have.

686. That is one of the reasons I took those classes—

687. so I can contribute an income.

688. When?

689. George...

690. All I'm saying is we could really use

691. this extra money right now.

692. Pay for some TV ads down at the car lot.

693. Take some of the pressure off of me.

694. I'm asking you this as a favor.

695. Help me out with this.

696. I think it'll be a good thing.

697. I'm going to need a bed.

698. Should it be a crib?

699. Here's a $20.

700. I like the idea.

701. Let's just bring it back a touch, okay?

702. Seriously, how about a water bed?

703. A water bed?

704. Yeah, I got a little lower back noise.

705. My neck's crunching up.

706. I think I'll move in tomorrow, bright and early.

707. Sounds great, huh?

708. Operation Re-do Childhood is about to begin.

709. I don't want him in our room.

710. Kids, we really want this thing

711. with Mr. Roberts to work out,

712. so, let's try and be as accommodating as possible.

713. Okay?

714. I like that; I like where you're headed.

715. That's the right attitude.

716. Dickie, I'm telling you, I've called Reiner's office

717. over and over.

718. They won't put me through.

719. I must have left five to six

720. to seven or eight messages.

721. Well, then, leave nine, ten or eleven.

722. Come on, by the end of all this, Sidney,

723. you've got to get me that audition.

724. Dickie, I bet you wish you had a better agent.

725. No, you're my agent, man.

726. Come on, we're a team.

727. Hey, by the way, I read that script,

728. Mr. Blake's Backyard last night.

729. I couldn't make heads or tails of it.

730. It's got so much adult stuff, blah, blah, blah—

731. I didn't know what was going on.

732. Maybe I do need to learn something.

733. Well, Hutch is your dad.

734. You've got more talent in your veins

735. than half the actors in this town.

736. You'll be great.

737. Sidney, David Soul is not my father.

738. Oh, kid, I'm sorry.

739. Is it Starsky?

740. No. It's neither.

741. I don't really remember my real dad.

742. The only memory I have

743. is playing that board game Candyland.

744. I was about five or six.

745. We were laughing.

746. I was really happy.

747. But then he left,

748. and it was just me and my mom for a while,

749. and then she left, so...

750. I'm sorry, kid.

751. Sidney, the point is, you've always been there for me.

752. You've been a good guy.

753. You're a good agent; I appreciate it.

754. All right, listen, you go do your project,

755. and I promise you, I'll do whatever it takes

756. to get you that audition

757. with Rob Reiner, okay?

758. I never doubted you for a second.

759. We're a team.

760. We're going to get this.

761. Go get 'em!

762. And another thing, Stranger Danger,

763. all these video games— they're mine.

764. And, uh, Sally's stuff— that's hers.

765. So, no touchy.

766. Hey, can you knock it off

767. with the Stranger Danger moniker?

768. I'm not nuts about it.

769. Well, I think this water bed thing

770. is a little silly.

771. Are you, like, cuckoo in the head?

772. Yeah, and I don't think you should turn on that hose.

773. You'll get a Water Wiggle action going.

774. Ooh, Water Wiggle— what's that?

775. The toy— Water Wiggle?

776. You don't know what toy that is?

777. Uh-uh.

778. Oh, man, this is sad.

779. You really did miss out, didn't you, Stranger Danger?

780. Well, I can teach you

781. how to put Preparation H on your eyes

782. to get rid of bags, huh?

783. I'll help you, you help me.

784. I'm just saying

785. a Water Wiggle will beat the crap out of you.

786. Yeah, it's less of a toy and more of a bruise machine.

787. I like that, that's interesting, tell me more.

788. What other toys should I know?

789. Uh, Gobots, Hot Wheels, Robodon.

790. Transformers.

791. Slip and Slide.

792. Stratego.

793. Mousetrap.

794. Trolls.

795. Hurry Up.

796. He-man.

797. Slinky.

798. Pac-man.

799. Clue.

800. Wheel-o.

801. Donkey Kong.

802. Caterpillar.

803. Duncan Yo-Yo.

804. Razor Scooters.

805. Return to Wolfenstein.

806. Uh-uh-uh. Okay, that's enough.

807. Don't make me call the Guinness Book.

808. But what about the best game of all?

809. Come on, guys.

810. Candyland?

811. No. Don't know it.

812. No? I got you.

813. Whoo! In your face. Candyland.

814. That was the most fun I had as a kid.

815. I remember I picked the card with the ice-cream bar on it.

816. I was like...

817. We have a winner! Whoo!

818. Yeah, whatever.

819. But still, it's Water Wiggle

820. that you should be thinking about.

821. Steady, Chicken Little.

822. Oh.

823. Oh, my God.

824. What's up? You like that?

825. Yeah! What happened, bitch? Huh?

826. Damn, that Water Wiggle thing

827. is like a Stephen King movie.

828. It's supposed to be a toy?

829. Anyway, okay, so, this

830. is a Water Wiggle.

831. Any other toys you want to show me?

832. Oh, my gosh.

833. Look at all this shizzit.

834. What's shizzit?

835. It's a secret way to swear.

836. Again, learn from me, I'll learn from you.

837. These were all our toys from when we were kids.

838. Yeah.

839. Seems like

840. only yesterday.

841. Wow, we sure did have a lot of shizzit.

842. Farm-a-long.

843. The rooster crows

844. his morning crow.

845. And the horse whinnies

846. for its rider. Boring.

847. Let me guess— the cow says "moo"

848. and the duck says "quack."

849. You need to update this thing.

850. How about "The sprinkler says..."

851. Yeah. And a motorcycle goes...

852. And the jet ski— similar to the motorcycle, not the same.

853. See, it bogs out a little bit

854. 'cause you have water in the carb. Hmm?

855. Sally's looking at me like, "You're an idiot."

856. Well, get in line, sister, because my ex-girlfriend says,

857. "You're a loser,"

858. and the casting director says, "You're washed up,"

859. and my mom says, "You're an embarrassment,"

860. and the guy in the street says, "You suck,"

861. and I said, "No, you suck," and he said,"You suck, dude,"

862. and I go, "No, you suck,"

863. and he goes, "You know you suck," and I go...

864. The rooster crows.

865. What else you got?

866. Could you pass the potatoes, please?

867. Popeye, no.

868. Go.

869. Oh, hey, Mom, where's my field hockey jersey?

870. Hmm. I washed it and folded it and put it in your drawer.

871. No wonder you couldn't find it.

872. Hey, Stranger Danger, I got to ask,

873. what's with the gloves?

874. It's kind of freaking me out.

875. Uh, sanitary reasons. Shh.

876. Anyway, you guys, I don't want to stop you.

877. Keep going.

878. Talk, talk, talk.

879. I love all this normal crap.

880. "Crap?"

881. Stuff. Normal stuff.

882. Hey, where's George?

883. I want a little Dad action.

884. He's hardly ever at dinner.

885. Sally,

886. Jane called.

887. She wants you to call her back.

888. Who's this Jason boy she's got a crush on?

889. Oh, just some boy, but Heather Bolin

890. is totally stealing him away from her.

891. Why?

892. She's the most beautiful girl in the school,

893. and whatever she wants, she gets.

894. Heather Bolin has an older brother.

895. He's a real jerk.

896. He totally picks on Sam.

897. It seems like everybody at school does.

898. There's my phone.

899. Shh. Two seconds.

900. Go for Dickie.

901. Hey, Dickie.

902. I just got back from Rob Reiner's office.

903. Guess who was there?

904. Sean Penn.

905. No, not Sean Penn!

906. Not Sean Penn! Damn!

907. Oh, Dickie, don't worry about it.

908. I struck up a friendship with Rob's security people.

909. I really feel we're moving forward.

910. Yes! And this studying-up- on-being-a-kid thing

911. is going great.

912. Get me in there,

913. I'll nail that part like Jesus the Carpenter.

914. All right,

915. I'll see you later, buddy.

916. Heh-heh! Whoo!

917. Oh, sorry.

918. I got a little excited.

919. Let me go drain the main vein, how about that?

920. I mean, I go pee pee now.

921. It's so crazy.

922. The Water Wiggle thing was a joke.

923. He destroyed this toy that pissed him off.

924. It's like he was totally out of control.

925. Mom, you've got to listen to me.

926. We don't want him around anymore.

927. Can't you make him go away?

928. I'd like to,

929. but your father made this deal with him.

930. Let's pretend that staying in our tree house out back

931. is good for his project.

932. Yeah. But, Sam, the tree house is pretty old and crappy.

933. We want him out of our house, don't we?

934. Don't we?

935. Hey.

936. You know what, Dickie?

937. We came up with a great idea.

938. Maybe you should stay out back in the tree house.

939. Sam, that's a great idea.

940. A real kid would do that, wouldn't he?

941. Yeah. Yeah, that might be fun.

942. All right.

943. I wonder what he's doing up there.

944. Who cares? Just so Stranger Danger's out of our house.

945. But still.

946. Yeah.

947. It actually looks pretty cool.

948. Is that a disco ball?

949. See, maybe we should

950. peek our heads in.

951. Aw, freak out!

952. Okay, let me do the talking.

953. Freak out!

954. Aw, freak out!

955. Uh, may I help you?

956. Was I being too loud in my tree house?

957. Um...

958. Well, we just wanted to know

959. if we could come up.

960. "Can we come up?"

961. All right, you can come up

962. for a little bit, see what you're missing.

963. And have a real good time

964. Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno...

965. Well, you really fixed this place up, didn't you?

966. Oh, yeah, I did.

967. Put a little lipstick on this pig.

968. But I'm confused, 'cause you like it now,

969. and I thought the tree house was a drag.

970. If I took a poll, people would say it sucked.

971. But maybe I'm wrong.

972. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.

973. It is kind of cool now.

974. Oh, it's cool now.

975. You hear that?

976. It's kind of cool now.

977. Let's go.

978. Wait.

979. Don't leave. You guys can stay.

980. What do you want to do?

981. And so the hook hand

982. was hanging there on the car door.

983. Ooh, that was intense.

984. Okay, now it's my turn.

985. All right.

986. This is the story of the witch

987. of Cloverfield Central School.

988. Once upon a time,

989. there was this witch in school.

990. She was a very,

991. very bad witch.

992. Ha, ha.

993. All the boys liked her,

994. because they didn't know what a bad witch she was.

995. Sally,

996. does this witch have a name?

997. Mm... No, not really.

998. Just a witch.

999. Right, and Sally,

1000. what does this witch look like?

1001. Okay, she dresses very nice,

1002. 'cause her dad has a lot of money.

1003. Really hot capris,

1004. super tight Zootopia tops.

1005. I don't think this is a witch.

1006. I think it's Heather Bolin.

1007. What? That's crazy.

1008. Okay, it's Heather Bolin.

1009. Oh, you know what, Sally?

1010. I don't like her and I've never even met her.

1011. Anyone who bugs you can't be good.

1012. Now it's my turn.

1013. My story is called "The Day the Sitcom Got Canceled."

1014. The sky, she was stormy that night.

1015. Suddenly, the phone rang.

1016. The little boy's mother picks up.

1017. "Hello?"

1018. The evil producer on the other end said,

1019. "The ratings have hit a six-year low."

1020. It gets scarier.

1021. "The network is in a panic."

1022. Yeah. Here's where it heats up.

1023. They didn't have a replacement show.

1024. No, no!

1025. Dickie!

1026. I know, what are they going to do?

1027. What? What's wrong?

1028. There's something...

1029. Okay, I'll stop. What?

1030. No.

1031. Don't, don't.

1032. Get away.

1033. No, get off.

1034. He's been talking in his sleep like that for the last hour.

1035. Dickie?

1036. He's getting... Get off.

1037. Don't leave me. Dickie, wake up.

1038. No. It's on me.

1039. I can't...

1040. Mom?

1041. What?

1042. Do something.

1043. No, not again.

1044. Dickie, wake up.

1045. Wake up.

1046. You were having a bad dream.

1047. Oh, there were these big spiders

1048. and they... they were trying to eat me

1049. and they jammed their legs down my ear

1050. and in my brain, and they were...

1051. Mom.

1052. guts of my head and...

1053. Come on, Mom, sing it.

1054. And there was so many...

1055. Okay. Dickie,

1056. this is what I do for my kids

1057. when they're having a nightmare.

1058. Hush little baby, don't say a word

1059. Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

1060. And if that mockingbird don't sing

1061. Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring

1062. If that diamond ring turns brass...

1063. Okay.

1064. Let's go to bed. It's okay.

1065. Now, that was probably the nicest thing

1066. anyone's ever done for me.

1067. You feel bad, and your mom

1068. actually tries to make you feel not bad.

1069. Wow.

1070. By the way, your mom's really hot.

1071. What? Eww!

1072. What, am I wrong?

1073. And what's the backyard like?

1074. Has she got the G-string going

1075. or them big ol' grannies with the louvers?

1076. I'm betting sweet thong.

1077. Ugh! Gross!

1078. Come on, Sam, pretend she's not your mom.

1079. Are they real?

1080. I think they're real.

1081. I bumped into them the other day

1082. and it was like "boing," and I was like "boing."

1083. Dickie, she's our mom.

1084. She's my mom, too, and I'm dealing with it somehow.

1085. Anyway.

1086. Good night, prude people.

1087. Dream the dream of prudes.

1088. Prude it up.

1089. Have a nice G-rated dream full of prudiness.

1090. Go to sleep, Dickie.

1091. Okay, Stranger Danger, this is a Slip 'N Slide.

1092. If you master this,

1093. it's the first step to being a real kid.

1094. Great. Dickie,

1095. there has to be water on it.

1096. Oh, that's...

1097. that's going to leave a mark.

1098. That... stings.

1099. Good to go.

1100. Yeah, all right. He did it.

1101. That was great.

1102. I got something better.

1103. Just water is lame.

1104. This thing needs a little Wesson-ality.

1105. Dickie, are you sure about this?

1106. Steady.

1107. Here we go.

1108. Oh, shizzit!

1109. Ow...!

1110. Splinter.

1111. That toy is Insane in the membrane

1112. Insane, got no brain.

1113. I got pretty banged up out there, but I learned some stuff.

1114. Let's keep it mellow in the future.

1115. So, what do you drink, being a kid?

1116. Uh, soda, like-like root beer.

1117. Well, not a wussy kid.

1118. A real kid, all right?

1119. You had me at the beer part, but you lost me at root.

1120. Now, let's not jump to malt liquor,

1121. but something in the middle.

1122. How about real beer?

1123. Whoa, lady. Easy.

1124. Whoa.

1125. Okay, real beer. How many?

1126. Six-pack?

1127. So, you're crazy?

1128. A six-pack?

1129. Are you a total alkie?

1130. Oh, my gosh.

1131. How about four?

1132. One for you, one for you,

1133. and two for me 'cause I'm kind of a husky kid.

1134. Okay, so a six-pack.

1135. You just said four.

1136. Oh, the wussy's taking the minutes of the meeting.

1137. Okay, four it is.

1138. I'll buy. I'll fly.

1139. We have beer.

1140. We're not supposed to drink that.

1141. We're supposed to think about drinking beer

1142. one day, in the future.

1143. It's like, uh, you know, "When I get older,

1144. I'm going to be allowed to drink beer."

1145. It's going too fast.

1146. I knew kids that were on TV shows

1147. getting whiffed up when they're 16.

1148. "Whiffed up"?

1149. Whiff, coke, toot, lines, blast, rails,

1150. nose candy, devil's dandruff,

1151. power flower, sniffy jiffy,

1152. Come on, Sam, the rest of the class is on page 52.

1153. Dickie, when you're talking to me, all I'm thinking is

1154. Brick wall, waterfall

1155. Dickie thinks he got it all, but he don't

1156. And I do, so boom with that attitude

1157. Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch

1158. I got something you can't touch

1159. Bang, bang, choo-choo train

1160. Wind me up, I do my thing

1161. No Reese's Pieces, 7 UP

1162. Mess with me, I'll mess you up.

1163. Interesting.

1164. Whatever.

1165. Anyway.

1166. By the way, sniffy jiffy, it's no good.

1167. Don't do it.

1168. Let me tell you something.

1169. About this putting stuff off?

1170. When I was your age, I did whatever I wanted,

1171. whenever I wanted.

1172. Okay, see, that might be why you're such a mess now.

1173. Oh! How dare you.

1174. Anyway, check this out.

1175. Look, I went ahead

1176. and got you your precious root beer.

1177. Ooh, I love it.

1178. A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

1179. "I am Iron Man."

1180. I want to bang your mother.

1181. I said I want...

1182. Oh...

1183. By the way, thanks, you guys.

1184. For what?

1185. Being nice to me.

1186. Knocking off the Stranger Danger thing.

1187. Well, Dickie,

1188. you're actually a pretty cool guy.

1189. I mean, very deep down inside you.

1190. I mean, really deep.

1191. So deep that some people stop looking.

1192. Deeper than a well.

1193. Deeper than the ocean.

1194. Deeper than the Marianas Trench.

1195. Deeper than a volcano.

1196. Deeper than a...

1197. All right, I got it— it's deep.

1198. Now, shh.

1199. Sleepy time.

1200. Little prude sleep.

1201. Insane in the membrane

1202. Insane, got no brain.

1203. What time did you get in last night?

1204. Would you get off my back?

1205. I was out with a salesman all night.

1206. They like to drink.

1207. Morning.

1208. Mommy, Daddy, bro, sis.

1209. Good morning.

1210. Morning, Dickie.

1211. Hey, Pebbles, where's Bamm Bamm?

1212. Oh! Interesting.

1213. Got a little champagne brunch for my new family.

1214. How about that? Mimosa for me posse?

1215. Champagne for my real friends,

1216. and I'm a real pain to my sham friends.

1217. Dickie, I'd like you to stop by

1218. the dealership today.

1219. Oh, a little father-son thing?

1220. What do I say to that, Sam?

1221. Give it a yea?

1222. I wouldn't know.

1223. He never asked me to go to work with him.

1224. All right, mark you down as no help.

1225. Sally, over to you? Yay?

1226. Yeah, a "yay" will cover it.

1227. So we'll head up there around, what, 12:00-ish?

1228. All right. Heh-heh.

1229. Hey, and you— push me in the stroller.

1230. I want to get a feel for that thing.

1231. What?

1232. Ah-dah-dah.

1233. Daddy!

1234. Mommy's balking.

1235. She doesn't understand—

1236. I'm up against the likes of Mr. Sean Penn here.

1237. Grace, let's try and make this work.

1238. Yes, let's try to make it work.

1239. Thanks, Daddy. Whoo!

1240. Whoo, whoopie!

1241. This feels a little odd.

1242. Dude, I'm the one in the stroller.

1243. Did you just call me "dude"?

1244. I mean,

1245. It's hard to get my head around that word.

1246. You know, my actual mother

1247. wanted me to call her by her first name.

1248. And you're, like, way too beautiful

1249. to be a mom.

1250. I mean, you obviously are a mother, so...

1251. I'm wrong, but maybe you're not as beautiful as I think you are.

1252. Wow, let me sift

1253. through that to find a nugget of compliment.

1254. Sift away, sifty.

1255. You realize, don't you, that this whole idea

1256. is without a doubt

1257. the most ridiculous endeavor ever attempted.

1258. Oh, Grace?

1259. Hi-hi, Mrs. Gertrude.

1260. You know, your tree is dropping leaves

1261. on our property again.

1262. Oh, I'm really sorry.

1263. It's just that I...

1264. It's getting to be a nuisance,

1265. and we're trying to be good neighbors,

1266. but you're really making it hard.

1267. Oh, who do we have here?

1268. Aren't you a little big for a stroller?

1269. Aren't you a little big for a sidewalk?

1270. I mean,

1271. good God, hide the wicker furniture.

1272. Whoo! This ass means business.

1273. Folks, this is not a drill.

1274. China, I'm sorry about the tremors,

1275. but this lady needs her mail.

1276. What, cat got your tongue,

1277. or do you eat that for breakfast, too?

1278. And you keep your filthy dog Popeye out of our yard, too,

1279. you horrid neighbor!

1280. Ca-coon, ca-coon, ca-coon.

1281. Dickie, you were very rude to her.

1282. Well, and she was straight-up with you?

1283. Come on, Grace,

1284. you got to learn to stand up for yourself.

1285. But to be honest,

1286. I kind of liked standing up for you just then.

1287. Well, it...

1288. I will say, in a way it was nice.

1289. I'm not used to it.

1290. Hey! You're that guy from the TV show.

1291. The washed-up actor freak.

1292. Can I get a picture?

1293. You know what?

1294. You put it that way, you sure can.

1295. Look at this.

1296. Smile.

1297. Zoom. Nice.

1298. Ah. There you go, Cap'n.

1299. Memories are forever.

1300. Hey, make doubles.

1301. No, look, I'm sorry, all right?

1302. Look, I'm new at this, too.

1303. I need your help.

1304. Well, I'll tell you this much—

1305. you're going to have to disguise yourself somehow.

1306. Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean?

1307. Like, dye your hair.

1308. Anything, so people don't recognize you

1309. and make you forget you're trying to be a kid.

1310. That's a great idea.

1311. Oh, not only is she sexy, she's a smart mommy!

1312. Why did that compliment almost make me puke?

1313. What'd I say?

1314. I was nice.

1315. So, this Indian's sitting by the side of the road.

1316. He's selling clay pots.

1317. Now a tourist is looking him over.

1318. He says, "Hey,

1319. "you're selling this pot for five dollars.

1320. You get the same exact pot over there for ten dollars."

1321. And the Indian says,

1322. "Some people like to spend five dollars;

1323. other people like to spend ten dollars."

1324. Ah, I got a better joke.

1325. Two gay monkeys go to Istanbul...

1326. Dickie, it's not a joke,

1327. it's a philosophy of life: money.

1328. Oh...

1329. Making money— isn't money

1330. what your little comeback thing is all about?

1331. Actually, no, it's...

1332. I'll be honest with you, Dickie.

1333. I've been married for 14 years to the same woman,

1334. and we got a couple of kids.

1335. They seem like nice kids.

1336. I don't know, I don't spend a lot of time with them.

1337. I'm not really much of a kid person.

1338. Man, I'm on a treadmill, Dickie.

1339. I see everybody else is having all the fun.

1340. Just when I think I can't take it anymore,

1341. you fall into my lap.

1342. You're my answer, Dickie.

1343. You're the thing that's gonna make me happy.

1344. I'm not into dudes, if that's what you're ramping up to.

1345. Like, I don't. I did. I don't anymore.

1346. you get what you want out of my family...

1347. I get something out of you.

1348. Star maps here.

1349. Maps to the stars' homes.

1350. God bless you, sir.

1351. Thanks.

1352. Hey, Rob Reiner's not on this map.

1353. God bless you, sir.

1354. Ah...

1355. Mm, hey.

1356. Oh, what time is it?

1357. 3:20. Oh, I gotta go meet the kids.

1358. Look at little Sammy, the sissy.

1359. Come on, you guys,

1360. just leave him alone.

1361. His little sister has to stand up for him.

1362. What a little wussy Sam is.

1363. Why can't you just leave me alone?

1364. What'd I ever do to you?

1365. Sammy, the sissy, acting all prissy.

1366. Sammy the sissy, acting

1367. all prissy.

1368. Sammy the sissy, acting all prissy.

1369. Guys, he's minding his own business. Sammy, the...

1370. Why don't you? Sam, Sally,

1371. what's up?

1372. Dickie, is that you?

1373. Holy crap on toast!

1374. Look at this freak!

1375. with Sam Finney, huh, Sammy?

1376. Let's get out of here.

1377. Leave him alone, you creeps!

1378. What did you call us, you little bitch?

1379. Whoa, whoa,

1380. whoa, you just said the wrong thing

1381. to the wrong little girl, Cap'n.

1382. What does she weigh, 20?

1383. What do you weigh, 2,000?

1384. You want to pick on her? Why not pick on me?

1385. You bastards want to go toe-to-toe with me?

1386. I'll go Water Wiggle on your ass.

1387. "Huh? Wha?

1388. I don't understand words. I'm a dum-dum."

1389. Is that red hair, or did someone

1390. light a fart off your mouth?

1391. Hey! Hey?

1392. Don't you mean oink?

1393. Little Piggy, shouldn't you

1394. run off to the market?

1395. Oink, oink.

1396. That was crazy.

1397. Now the crowd's

1398. turning on you, and that sucks.

1399. Tell you what. Listen.

1400. Red, tube of goo, freak of nature,

1401. why don't you guys run home,

1402. pee your pants,

1403. cry your eyes out,

1404. spank each other's chubby, little butts,

1405. get up, have an Eggo,

1406. run back here, and we'll do it all again?

1407. 'Cause I like working out

1408. you puke-stain, little punching bags.

1409. A-choo!

1410. Now beat it.

1411. Yeah! Yeah!

1412. Get out of my way! Sam Finney's

1413. way cooler than any of you will ever be.

1414. What a joke.

1415. Oh, yeah!

1416. Mom, you should have seen Dickie back there.

1417. It was awesome!

1418. He totally nailed these kids.

1419. It was a verbal beating, a carpet bombing.

1420. Actually, Dickie,

1421. I can't believe what you did to your hair.

1422. What? Oh...

1423. No wonder everyone was staring at me.

1424. Dickie, it was great how you tore into those guys.

1425. I'm not impressed that Dickie insulted

1426. a bunch of your friends.

1427. Well, they're not really friends.

1428. Yeah, you should have seen these guys.

1429. I mean, I hope they never come back.

1430. They're losers.

1431. Just-just, Mom, relax.

1432. Relax?

1433. Wrong attitude with a mom.

1434. You got to keep it light,

1435. and, you know, deferential. Oh!

1436. Look, you guys, before pizza,

1437. I've got to swing by this interview.

1438. It'll just take a few minutes.

1439. They just want to meet the voice from the phone.

1440. You got an interview? For what?

1441. An interior design job.

1442. They looked at my drawings,

1443. and they liked them.

1444. Mom, that's great!

1445. - Wow. - Mm-hmm.

1446. That is some cool shizzit.

1447. What did you just say?

1448. Shizzit.

1449. It's a Dickie word.

1450. Dickie, after my interview,

1451. you and I are going to have a serious talk.

1452. Mom, I... Dickie will be fine.

1453. Yeah, he may have a few rough edges,

1454. but we'll file 'em down for him.

1455. Ah, see, Mommy? It's all gonna work out.

1456. I don't know this part of town at all.

1457. My first interview, and I'm going to blow it

1458. because I can't find the house.

1459. Turn it, turn it!

1460. Oh, no, do you believe this?

1461. God, I'm really going to be late.

1462. You know what? Dickie to the rescue.

1463. I've got an idea.

1464. Let me see that address.

1465. 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

1466. Oh, my God, there's a fire

1467. at the McHenry house, 368 North Elmo Street!

1468. Hurry!

1469. Follow those fire trucks.

1470. Come on, Mommy.

1471. Unbelievable.

1472. You think a false alarm is funny?

1473. You think it's okay to phone in a fire?

1474. Well, it's called

1475. being aggressive towards your career, you know?

1476. You want something, you gotta work at it.

1477. That's day-one stuff.

1478. You know what, no matter how much you want something,

1479. you don't trample others to get it,

1480. and you certainly don't break the law.

1481. You've been nothing but a disruptive influence,

1482. ever since you got here.

1483. Well, I'm learning, and that's the point,

1484. I got nowhere else to go.

1485. I got nowhere else to go!

1486. Why does that sound familiar?

1487. It's from An Officer and a Gentleman.

1488. That's what Richard Gere said.

1489. See? I'm a good actor.

1490. That's it! Out!

1491. I don't care what arrangement you have with my husband.

1492. I won't tolerate this anymore!

1493. No, come on.

1494. Dickie, no...! Please!

1495. No! Oh! Listen...

1496. Oh, no!

1497. Dickie!

1498. - Go! Go! Go, now! - I mean it! Hey, ow!

1499. You don't understand, I know I'm screwed up.

1500. I have no center.

1501. I'm completely lost.

1502. Look at me, I'm a massive failure as a human being.

1503. I wear gloves 24 hours a day.

1504. Why? Because I'm afraid to physically touch anything

1505. or anyone.

1506. I don't want people to look in my eyes

1507. 'cause they'll realize there's nothing there.

1508. I'm a complete and total mess.

1509. Grace, do you think you could take

1510. your little dysfunctional family fight inside?

1511. We don't need to see your dirty laundry.

1512. Mrs. Gertrude, please, okay?

1513. Just blow it out your ass!

1514. This is between me

1515. and my family.

1516. Mom, that was awesome! Mom, that was awesome!

1517. Wait a second.

1518. Why did you say that?

1519. Is that because I told you to stand up for yourself?

1520. It is. See, Grace?

1521. I-I'm not totally useless.

1522. Dickie, this whole thing is just crazy.

1523. I mean, you can't just observe a family

1524. and learn how to be.

1525. You know, it's not like monkey-see, monkey-do.

1526. It's more than that.

1527. You don't understand. I'm desperate.

1528. If I become a star again, everyone will come back.

1529. My mom will come home, just like before.

1530. Dickie, it's not supposed to work that way.

1531. I know, but can't I hope for anything different?

1532. Grace, please.

1533. I need this part.

1534. I need it so bad,

1535. that I don't know if I can go on without it.

1536. Hey, Mom?

1537. Maybe we could give Dickie

1538. just one last chance?

1539. Yeah, Mom.

1540. He could do better.

1541. I mean, if we help.

1542. What's Popeye got in his mouth?

1543. My gosh, it's a dead rabbit.

1544. Oh, my God.

1545. It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit.

1546. Popeye killed their pet rabbit.

1547. Popeye bad dog!

1548. What are we going to do?

1549. Oh, God. Oh, God.

1550. Popeye must have gotten

1551. into the backyard cage and killed him.

1552. God, they're already mad at us.

1553. Now we're in all kinds of trouble.

1554. Wait a second.

1555. We can fix this.

1556. Rub-a-dub-dub, bunny in the tub.

1557. Do you think we should shampoo it?

1558. Do you have any "Gee, Your Dead Rabbit Smells Terrific"?

1559. Oh.

1560. No, but I have V05.

1561. We'll put in some leave-in conditioner

1562. and a protein pack.

1563. This thing will look good as new

1564. except for the being dead part.

1565. I think we better start to blow-dry it soon.

1566. Then I'm going to go get a brush.

1567. Hurry.

1568. Okay, tell you what.

1569. I'll put it back in the cage

1570. all clean and when the Gertrudes come home,

1571. they open the cage

1572. and they think it dies of natural causes.

1573. It's the perfect plan.

1574. You guys, the Gertrudes— I think they're coming home.

1575. All right, let's go. Okay, okay, dry it.

1576. Here, here.

1577. Here we go.

1578. Dry it, dry it, dry it.

1579. Okay, it's back in the cage.

1580. We're totally off the hook.

1581. Hey, what's in the cage?

1582. It's Peter! Oh, no!

1583. Devil rabbit.

1584. Devil rabbit, devil rabbit!

1585. Mr. and Mrs. Gertrude, what's wrong?

1586. Our pet bunny died two days ago.

1587. We buried it over there.

1588. And now he's back in the cage!

1589. Oh, Satan taunts us!

1590. Oh, devil rabbit!

1591. That is a sign from hell!

1592. It means move out of that house.

1593. Move!

1594. Spirits of rabbits.

1595. Devil rabbit! Devil rabbit!

1596. Woo! Get out!

1597. There they go. They're moving out.

1598. Devil rabbits!

1599. Devil rabbits.

1600. That was fun.

1601. So, can I stay?

1602. So those three bullies don't bug you anymore?

1603. I knew it, they're morons.

1604. Hey, what do you call this hairstyle again?

1605. The Tiger-Do.

1606. Looks cool, right, Sam?

1607. Yeah, man.

1608. Bitchin' cool style, man.

1609. What's this one, the porcupine? Oh, oh.

1610. So, what do you want to do today, Dickie?

1611. First up, teach me how to ride a bike.

1612. Yeah!

1613. I'm pedaling. I think I got it.

1614. Let him go.

1615. Go. Go. Go. Go.

1616. Go for it!

1617. I'm doing it.

1618. Dickie, are you okay?

1619. Ow!

1620. Who put that truck there?

1621. Are you all right?

1622. Oh. I'm seeing birds and bells and beautiful girls.

1623. Sam, front and center on the double.

1624. We're just moving in to this house.

1625. Oh, well, we got a new neighbor.

1626. What do you think of that, Sam?

1627. Sam, you want to say hello to the new neighbor?

1628. Hello.

1629. Hi.

1630. He had you at hello, didn't he?

1631. Listen, these guys are teaching me

1632. how to ride a bike— You want to come with?

1633. Sure. All right, let's go.

1634. Yeah!

1635. Whoa!

1636. Ow.

1637. This is gonna be

1638. My greatest day...

1639. My greatest day...

1640. This is gonna be my greatest day...

1641. Oh-oh.

1642. Did you ever have such a bad wipe-out you don't even feel it?

1643. That wasn't one of them.

1644. My greatest day!

1645. Here you go, guys.

1646. Thanks, Mrs. Finney.

1647. Thanks a lot.

1648. You okay?

1649. I munched it out there.

1650. You're all right.

1651. So you're really going to help me?

1652. Yes, of course I'm going to help you.

1653. If someone doesn't step in soon, you might kill yourself.

1654. Look, Dickie, you've

1655. been going about this thing all wrong.

1656. You know, there's no rhyme or reason to your plan.

1657. You're like a chicken running around with its head cut off.

1658. A chicken with his head chopped off, that's a good analogy.

1659. Stop it.

1660. Okay,

1661. but if you want my help,

1662. you play by my rules and my rules only.

1663. Okay? So first, the gloves.

1664. Off they go.

1665. Wait a minute.

1666. Dickie, for this to work,

1667. we've got to almost reboot you, like a human computer.

1668. Not the gloves, anything but the gloves.

1669. Okay, well.

1670. Okay, okay.

1671. But I just want you to know

1672. that this is like me asking you to take your top off.

1673. Which is crazy, right?

1674. Dickie.

1675. Right.

1676. Oh, air... Ow.

1677. I don't like it.

1678. Happy?

1679. Yes. See?

1680. There are men in stilts plastering in there.

1681. Is this part of your interior design thing?

1682. No, George, it was damaged from the water bed accident.

1683. Dickie what the hell did you do to your hair?

1684. Oh. I dyed it.

1685. It no come out so good.

1686. Look, it was my idea, okay?

1687. People were recognizing him

1688. and he was being distracted from his project.

1689. He was going to do a commercial for me, Grace.

1690. George, he's already paying you a lot of money

1691. to be here, isn't that enough?

1692. I had a lot of plans for him.

1693. He's a human being, okay?

1694. He's not just some product for you to use.

1695. All right.

1696. Wow, I feel like you have completely undermined me here.

1697. I'm going out.

1698. Oh, boy.

1699. That was, like, the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

1700. What is?

1701. That I'm not some product.

1702. Wow.

1703. Then, as Hallmark cards go, you'd be easy to please.

1704. Listen I, I'm sorry George is mad at you.

1705. Is that because of me?

1706. No, but that's good.

1707. You're starting to think like a real kid.

1708. Kids always think it's their fault when parents split up.

1709. Is that what's going to happen to you and George?

1710. I don't know.

1711. You know, I do everything I can think of

1712. to keep it together for the kids.

1713. I'm a mom first, but...

1714. George makes me feel so guilty for even wanting a career,

1715. you know, like it makes me less of a mom.

1716. Well,

1717. I got news for you.

1718. They don't even write TV moms as good as you are.

1719. Well now, we're even.

1720. Because that's the nicest compliment I've ever heard.

1721. You know,

1722. we probably should dye your hair back.

1723. Yeah.

1724. Well, since you're going to be here a while,

1725. I think I should read this script.

1726. See what it is you want so badly.

1727. Please do.

1728. Maybe you can make some sense of it.

1729. No, no, no, no, no.

1730. I don't know what to do.

1731. No gloves.

1732. Don't need 'em.

1733. Dickie, you promised to help me

1734. with my pep squad tryouts.

1735. That pep squad spot's got your name all over it.

1736. Did I ever tell you I was a backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?

1737. No way.

1738. Oh, yeah, I owe him a call.

1739. Boom.

1740. We're right on time.

1741. Are you sure? Yep, yep.

1742. All right. Here we go.

1743. You got the words down?

1744. I think so, yeah.

1745. I think you do, too.

1746. I drew this up last night.

1747. These are your dance steps.

1748. Okay, girls, come on, let's go.

1749. It's time to start.

1750. Our first contestant is Heather Bolin.

1751. Hey, Stallions, I got a message for you.

1752. And it goes like this.

1753. Oh

1754. I, I

1755. I

1756. I wanna be bad with you, baby

1757. I, I...

1758. I, I

1759. I wanna be bad with you, baby

1760. Do you

1761. Understand what I need from you?

1762. Just let me be the girl to show you, you

1763. Everything that she can be is everything that I can be

1764. I wanna be

1765. My turn

1766. Let me let you know that I can

1767. Promise that I won't do that

1768. So, boy, I-I wanna be bad

1769. You make bad feel so good

1770. I'm losing all my cool

1771. I'm about to break a rule

1772. I, I wanna be bad.

1773. Thank you.

1774. Slut.

1775. Our next contestant, Sally Finney.

1776. Have fun. Just have fun, okay?

1777. You're good. You know it.

1778. It is the night

1779. My body's weak

1780. I'm on the run

1781. No time to sleep

1782. I've got to ride

1783. Ride like the wind

1784. To be free again

1785. And I've got such a long way to go

1786. Such a long way to go

1787. To make it to the border of Mexico

1788. So I'll ride

1789. Like the wind

1790. Ride like the wind

1791. Gonna ride like the wind

1792. Oh, that was great!

1793. Yeah!

1794. That was perfect.

1795. Sally, I'm so proud of you.

1796. Yippee!

1797. Oh, good morning, everybody.

1798. Ooh, I had a rough night.

1799. First time I tried

1800. sleeping without my gloves on in ten years.

1801. Insane in the membrane.

1802. Hey, Dickie, okay.

1803. I saw Barbie outside and I started talking to her,

1804. but I got all tongue-tied and I wasn't making sense.

1805. It sounded like you said, "I love meat loaf."

1806. Oh, so you could understand that part.

1807. All right, I think that's going to need a little work, buddy.

1808. Nothing against meat loaf though.

1809. All right, why don't you tots run off to school?

1810. I'm going to grab a cup of java.

1811. Bye, Dickie.

1812. Bye.

1813. Ooh, morning.

1814. Morning.

1815. Never needed this stuff more.

1816. No. No coffee.

1817. Kids don't drink coffee.

1818. What? That's crazy.

1819. Juice.

1820. No, coffee in the morning.

1821. Shh. Dickie, I got to talk to you about this script.

1822. I know why you want to do this movie so much.

1823. I read it last night. It's wonderful.

1824. Really?

1825. Please, can you explain it to me?

1826. Okay, Mr. Blake

1827. discovers that heaven is in his own backyard.

1828. Oh, wait.

1829. That's... I didn't get that part.

1830. Like heaven, like real heaven?

1831. Yes, he's this billionaire,

1832. and he buys this mysterious plot of land

1833. and he wants to build the biggest house

1834. of all time on it.

1835. To be admired by the whole world.

1836. Right on. Well, that sounds like me.

1837. They should just give me that part.

1838. Here's the problem.

1839. The bigger he builds this giant house,

1840. the smaller heaven becomes in his backyard.

1841. But he still has a big house, right?

1842. Have you ever seen MTV Cribs?

1843. Tommy Lee has a sex room.

1844. And how come all the rappers have a video

1845. of Scarface going all the time?

1846. Yeah, okay, meanwhile,

1847. there's this woman, Esmerelda, she's Mr. Blake's housekeeper,

1848. and he falls madly in love with her, right?

1849. And then she dies.

1850. It is.

1851. Esmerelda goes to heaven... you see,

1852. so by discovering true love,

1853. Mr. Blake's able to see the heaven in his own backyard—

1854. the heaven that was always there,

1855. only he couldn't see it—

1856. so he tears down this enormous house,

1857. and he lives in his own backyard in a little shack...

1858. and it's all to be near Esmerelda.

1859. Do you see, Dickie?

1860. Do you see what that story means?

1861. I don't. No.

1862. I don't understand any of it.

1863. Now, come on. No!

1864. No coffee.

1865. Here, have a nice bowl of cereal instead.

1866. I've been drinking coffee since I was three.

1867. I need a pick-me-up.

1868. Too bad.

1869. Fine, cereal it is.

1870. Oh, my gosh, there's a prize inside.

1871. There's a prize...

1872. Hey, you guys!

1873. - Hey, Dickie. - Hey, Dickie.

1874. What do we have planned next?

1875. Oh, your Mom's got a lot of stuff planned.

1876. Yeah. Like what?

1877. Like what?

1878. You're crazy.

1879. Whoa.

1880. Hello, Dickie.

1881. I've missed you.

1882. So, this guy totally kidnapped me

1883. when I was hitchhiking that day,

1884. and he was totally weird with, like, this great haircut,

1885. so I was actually fooled into thinking that he was okay,

1886. you know?

1887. So I finally escaped,

1888. and I went back to Dickie's apartment,

1889. and Dickie was gone, and I was, like,

1890. "Well, I have got to see my Dickie."

1891. Um, right.

1892. Uh, I...

1893. I'm doing this thing here, Cyndi, and...

1894. I just don't know

1895. if it's a great idea if you're around,

1896. only because I'm trying

1897. Um, I'm thinking if we, uh, up your rent

1898. a little bit, there's really no reason why

1899. Cyndi can't stay in the den.

1900. What?

1901. Oh, Dickie, thank you.

1902. Thank you.

1903. Oh, baby.

1904. Wha... George?

1905. Baby, I have saved up a sexual experience

1906. of a lifetime for you,

1907. but first, let's loosen things up a bit,

1908. light some candles,

1909. drink some champagne.

1910. Okay.

1911. Do it.

1912. Oh, me, yeah.

1913. Why do I keep my mind

1914. On you all the time

1915. And I don't even know you...

1916. Get out of here,

1917. gross dog.

1918. Why do I feel this way?

1919. Thinking about you every day

1920. And I don't even know... Hmm-mm-mm!

1921. Hmm-mm-mm!

1922. Taittinger, the finest bubbly.

1923. Do you like that painting?

1924. Huh?

1925. Ow!

1926. Oh... whoo, got ya.

1927. Got away from me.

1928. Ooh, this baby is wound up.

1929. Incoming!

1930. Ow.

1931. You're fine, you're fine.

1932. No blood. Cheers.

1933. - Nice. - Yuck.

1934. So... relax, let me tell you about this family.

1935. Oh... I'm having a good time.

1936. They are great.

1937. Well, George, he's the dad.

1938. He's a little... off, but Sam— he's a great kid.

1939. He... he's funny.

1940. He doesn't know how great he is,

1941. because he's always getting bullied at school,

1942. and it took away all his confidence.

1943. He has a crush on this girl next door,

1944. and I'm helping him with that, but...

1945. uh, you probably don't want to hear all this.

1946. Yeah. Maybe you're right.

1947. And Sally is cute, and smart, and funny,

1948. and just the other day I was telling her...

1949. Yeah? Wow, that's really interesting,

1950. um, but that Grace— she's a real looker...

1951. in her own way... I guess.

1952. Grace... Wow, I...

1953. Mom? I never thought of her like that.

1954. Yeah, right, like you hadn't noticed?

1955. Come on, and you think I didn't notice

1956. that George is hot?

1957. You haven't changed, Dickie.

1958. You just think you have.

1959. So, are we going to do this sex or not,

1960. because I kind of want to get it over with.

1961. Maybe we shouldn't, you know?

1962. Maybe-maybe it's not a good idea tonight.

1963. Wait, y-you're turning me down?

1964. Unbelievable.

1965. These yokels are really getting to you.

1966. Okay, well, if we're not doing it,

1967. will you at least put out the damn candles?

1968. Oh, not this one. It smells great.

1969. This is sandalwood vanilla.

1970. You'd love that.

1971. Ooh!

1972. Oh! Oh!

1973. Oh, oh! Oh, my God.

1974. I'm on fire, you idiot!

1975. I'm sorry.

1976. Hey, pal.

1977. Up-bu-bu-bup, excuse me.

1978. I thought I told you not to bother our customers.

1979. Hey, pal, I'm harmless.

1980. I just want to talk to Robbie for, like, ten seconds.

1981. Jerry, Asto, get rid of this guy.

1982. Beat it, pal.

1983. Let's go.

1984. Oh, it's him! It's Rob!

1985. Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you.

1986. Always a pleasure. Love your car.

1987. Oh, yeah, we have, uh, global warming... I understand.

1988. Hey, Rob, it's me, Sidney Wernick.

1989. Rob?

1990. Oh, he's getting away.

1991. Robbie! Rob!

1992. It's me, Sidney Wernick.

1993. I'm Dickie Roberts' agent.

1994. Give me five seconds.

1995. Yep, she's a cutie.

1996. I'll give you that.

1997. A girl that pretty

1998. is never going to like me.

1999. Come on, have you seen Ric Ocasek from The Cars?

2000. That guy's rough.

2001. You're way ahead of him.

2002. Listen, all you got to do is show her

2003. what a cool, funny dude you are.

2004. But... I'm not good at talking like you are.

2005. Well, that's debatable.

2006. Let's talk to your mom about it.

2007. Maybe she has some ideas.

2008. No, no. We can't talk to a mom about this.

2009. This is stuff a dad has to help me with,

2010. you know, man to man.

2011. I got an idea.

2012. Come here.

2013. Ooh...

2014. Each day through my window, I watch her as she passes by

2015. To have a girl like her

2016. Is truly a dream come true

2017. Out of all the fellas in the world

2018. She belongs to me

2019. But it was just my imagination

2020. Running away with me

2021. It was just my imagination

2022. Running away with me...

2023. Ho-ho, whoa, Sam!

2024. Whoa-whoa!

2025. Ow.

2026. Uh, Barbie...

2027. Uh, Barbie, I was... I was hoping

2028. you'd like to go

2029. to a movie with me.

2030. Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie with you.

2031. Ooh...

2032. Idiot!

2033. Yeah, hey, wait, hold on, here he is.

2034. Dickie, it's Sidney— it sounds like something's wrong.

2035. What?

2036. Hey, Sidney, what's up?

2037. Dickie, turn on the news.

2038. Famous director Rob Reiner was the victim

2039. of a road rage incident today in Hollywood.

2040. Witnesses say that Mr. Reiner was stopped at a red light

2041. when a large angry man pulled Mr. Reiner

2042. out of his Honda inside

2043. and began beating him for well over a minute.

2044. Mr. Reiner was rushed to a nearby hospital,

2045. his only dazed words being,

2046. "I have no idea what I did to make that man so angry."

2047. Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

2048. Dickie, I got you an audition.

2049. You got me that audition? How?

2050. Well, it's a long story, but it's tomorrow at 3:00.

2051. Tomorrow at 3:00? I-I-I'm... I'll never be ready.

2052. Well, you got to be ready,

2053. because the audition's at the hospital,

2054. and then Rob's going under for an operation.

2055. What, an operation?

2056. Well, anyway, long story short,

2057. Rob needs a kidney, and I'm giving him one of mine.

2058. We swapped...

2059. a kidney for an audition.

2060. You'd better get that job!

2061. Holy crap.

2062. It's tomorrow.

2063. I'm not ready.

2064. Wait.

2065. I've got an idea.

2066. Okay, here we go.

2067. You're going to be ready, Dickie.

2068. This is the big one.

2069. It's Christmas morning.

2070. You're waking up excited.

2071. You think you heard reindeer on the roof, okay?

2072. All right, I'll be down in a second.

2073. Mom, this was such a good idea to help Dickie.

2074. Do you think he could pretend it's Christmas even though

2075. it's not for a while? Sure, he can,

2076. and if coming down the stairs

2077. and seeing his first red bicycle

2078. helps him with his acting somehow, then...

2079. huh?

2080. He really is special, isn't he?

2081. Who would've thought?

2082. Yeah, I mean how is it possible that Stranger Danger

2083. turned out to be so cool?

2084. Hey, where's Cyndi?

2085. I thought she would've helped him with this.

2086. Slut.

2087. everybody knows

2088. A turkey and some...

2089. Here I come.

2090. Help to make the season bright

2091. Tiny tots...

2092. Whoa, a bicycle.

2093. Will find it hard to sleep tonight

2094. They know that Santa's on his way

2095. He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

2096. And every mother's child...

2097. You guys...

2098. that was... that was great of you to do this for me.

2099. Thanks for being so cool to put this together, but...

2100. But what?

2101. but... I guess it's true you can never go home again.

2102. I mean, I missed out on the real thing,

2103. and I don't... I don't think I'll ever get it back.

2104. Well, maybe you didn't get something back.

2105. Maybe you got something you never had.

2106. Dickie...

2107. you've been so good with my family.

2108. You've been so good to me.

2109. You're so different than the angry, weird guy

2110. who landed on our doorstep a month ago.

2111. You're a joy to have around...

2112. so... as a present

2113. for all that you've done to help us.

2114. This isn't part of your experiment.

2115. I got this gift for you.

2116. Candyland.

2117. You remembered?

2118. That's what moms do.

2119. You grew up, Dickie Roberts.

2120. That's so unfair!

2121. I'm really sorry that you're here, Mr. Reiner.

2122. Thanks, but why are you sorry?

2123. It's not like you had anything to do with that guy going nuts.

2124. All right.

2125. Okay.

2126. You ready to read?

2127. We-we don't have much time here.

2128. I think I'm ready.

2129. Woo! I got the part!

2130. Yeah. Woo.

2131. I got it, baby!

2132. Come here, doggy.

2133. I got...

2134. Congratulations.

2135. Is it hot out here?

2136. Oh.

2137. I got it.

2138. You guys, I got it.

2139. Where is everybody?

2140. You guys, are you kidding me?

2141. I got it. It worked.

2142. Where are you?

2143. There you are.

2144. I got the part!

2145. Oh!

2146. That's wonderful.

2147. Something's wrong.

2148. Oh, George and Cyndi?

2149. George and Cyndi?

2150. They ran off together?

2151. So we're going to film in Hawaii.

2152. I'm going to be there, like, six months.

2153. I sacrificed so much to get this.

2154. Sidney gave up his kidney.

2155. I'll send you guys some money.

2156. No. No, Dickie.

2157. Please, don't worry about us.

2158. You're not responsible for us.

2159. I sometimes feel like I am. I mean...

2160. George didn't just

2161. suddenly lose his head, you know?

2162. Something like this was going to happen sooner or later.

2163. Dickie, it's not your fault.

2164. It's his fault.

2165. Did she take the rest of your money?

2166. Yeah.

2167. Yeah, but I don't care, you know?

2168. It was never about the money.

2169. It was about something more than that.

2170. And now you have that, right?

2171. Yeah.

2172. I have everything I've always wanted.

2173. And I have you to thank.

2174. Dickie.

2175. Go find your happiness.

2176. Wherever that takes you.

2177. Dickie, Dickie...

2178. It'll just take one minute of your time.

2179. What does it feel like to be living a Hollywood dream?

2180. Dickie, over here.

2181. We want to interview the comeback kid for Hollywood Scene.

2182. Sally, come on.

2183. Dickie,

2184. Jann Carl, from Entertainment Tonight.

2185. Look, we want to do an exclusive interview.

2186. It's an amazing story.

2187. You have climbed your way back.

2188. I had visions, I was in them

2189. I was looking into the mirror

2190. To see a little bit clearer

2191. The rottenness and evil in me

2192. Fingertips have memories

2193. Mine can't forget the curves of your body

2194. And when I feel a bit naughty

2195. I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes

2196. But no one ever does

2197. I'm not sick...

2198. Folks, it looks like

2199. we'll be departing here on time today.

2200. We anticipate a smooth trip to the Hawaiian islands,

2201. and we appreciate you flying with us here

2202. on Christmas Eve. Ho, Ho, Ho.

2203. Sit back, relax and enjoy your trip.

2204. did you want coffee, tea... or me?

2205. Oh, Brittany, you are wicked.

2206. Mr. Roberts can't join the mile-high club.

2207. We're still on the ground.

2208. Thanks anyway, ladies.

2209. I'm just going to study my lines.

2210. Oh yeah, we heard about the movie and the director.

2211. You're a huge star.

2212. So tell us— what's the movie about?

2213. We are huge fans. Huge.

2214. Huge. Seriously huge fans.

2215. Sick. We love your work.

2216. I mean, but normal.

2217. Totally normal.

2218. And in the movie, he wants to build the biggest house

2219. in the whole world, because he thinks

2220. it will make him happy, but it doesn't.

2221. It doesn't?

2222. Big houses make me horny.

2223. Well, he used to think the same way,

2224. but then he falls in love.

2225. Is she a flight attendant?

2226. Does she get to live in that big house?

2227. 'Cause I met this producer...

2228. No, no, no. Listen, listen.

2229. He finds love, and he realizes that love is everything.

2230. Not the biggest house in the world,

2231. not being a billionaire.

2232. He finds out what he wanted wasn't what he needed,

2233. and what he needed was in his own backyard.

2234. It was right there in his own backyard.

2235. Lying in bed with the radio on...

2236. I didn't have the money

2237. for real presents this year, okay?

2238. So, Sam, if what I got you is not what you really wanted,

2239. or you're disappointed, we can return it.

2240. And Sally, the same goes for you, all right?

2241. Whoa. Look at all this stuff.

2242. Where did all this come from?

2243. When will I see you again...

2244. Dickie!

2245. Dickie, you're here.

2246. What are you

2247. doing here?

2248. I can't believe it.

2249. Hey. Merry Christmas.

2250. Dickie, what about your movie?

2251. Well, sometimes in Hollywood if you say no,

2252. it only makes them want you more.

2253. So you're staying, Dickie?

2254. If your Mom's okay with it, I'd like room and board

2255. for quite a while.

2256. I didn't know it would be so strong

2257. Waiting and wondering about you... Oh.

2258. Okay!

2259. And so Dickie Roberts' dreams did come true,

2260. But in a way he never could have imagined.

2261. He created a sitcom based on his exploits,

2262. and, with Leif Garrett starring as the Dickie character,

2263. the show quickly climbed into the top ten,

2264. winning four Emmys.

2265. Here's Dickie and his agent, Sidney Wernick.

2266. I may have to pee every 45 minutes,

2267. but at least I get to pee in a gold toilet.

2268. Dickie didn't forget his friends,

2269. and they enjoy a weekly spot on the popular sitcom.

2270. With Grace in charge of set design,

2271. Sam writing jokes,

2272. and Sally becoming the youngest choreographer in TV,

2273. Dickie keeps the show a real family affair.

2274. Brick wall, waterfall, Danny thinks

2275. he's got it all, but he don't.

2276. And we do.

2277. So boom with that attitude.

2278. A Reese's Pieces, 7 UP.

2279. Mess with us, we mess you up.

2280. And cut. So good.

2281. They're driving me crazy.

2282. As for George and Cyndi,

2283. their ill-fated romance didn't quite work out.

2284. Would you make yourself useful

2285. and get me a drink?

2286. How about some champagne?

2287. Whatever.

2288. The bottle impact led to a case of walking amnesia,

2289. and George was last seen hitchhiking into the desert

2290. to find himself.

2291. Cyndi, soon after, begged Dickie for a job.

2292. He gave her a guest part on his show,

2293. on the episode titled "Cyndi Gets Poison Oak."

2294. Its success led to a spin-off for Cyndi called,

2295. The Bitch Who Didn't Know She Was a Bitch.

2296. As for Dickie Roberts, millions of Americans tuned in

2297. to the sitcom's wedding show

2298. which reflected Dickie's real-life marriage

2299. to the love of his life, Grace.

2300. The old saying goes,

2301. "There's no business like show business,"

2302. but as the incredible saga of "Dickie Roberts,

2303. Former Child Star," shows us, the more apt saying is,

2304. "There's no love like real love."

2305. This has been the story of Dickie Roberts:

2306. The E! True Hollywood Story.

2307. Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya

2308. Sooner or later, girl, you got to give in

2309. Sooner or later...

2310. Former child stars are people, too

2311. They're the same as you, and you and you

2312. So we asked this simple question

2313. How can it be that you occasionally

2314. Don't respect their dignity?

2315. 'Cause as they make their way through life

2316. Long after the spotlight's faded

2317. There are things some of you do

2318. That make them want to be sedated

2319. We loved being child stars

2320. On your television

2321. But please stop giving us crap

2322. Or we'll have a head-on collision

2323. Thank you for letting me in your living rooms

2324. To entertain you before bed

2325. But if one more person calls me Marcia

2326. I'll bust his fucking head

2327. She's very grateful, just like she said

2328. But please don't call her Marcia

2329. Or she'll bust your freaking head

2330. Yeah, I'd rather be called Marcia then Screech.

2331. So I'm sitting alone in Arby's

2332. I get questions that make me see red

2333. Hey, Eddie?

2334. Where's Herman Munster?

2335. Well, pal, for ten years, he's been dead

2336. They ask, "Hey, Lucy, where's J.R.?"

2337. Come on, y'all, be realistic.

2338. One more "Hey, Joanie, where's Chachi,"

2339. and I'll go ballistic.

2340. Our costars are not on our speed dial

2341. So please don't ask

2342. Or take that phone and shove it

2343. Right up your dumb fat ass

2344. No, we don't ride in fancy limos

2345. Private jets, they're not for us

2346. So you may see us driving Neons

2347. Or riding the Greyhound bus

2348. Yeah, we live just like all of you

2349. So don't call us losers

2350. Or we'll punch you with so many rights

2351. You'll be begging for lefts

2352. And beggars can't be choosers

2353. I was on Teen Beat with Michael Jackson

2354. Now he's bigger, I suppose

2355. Yeah, yeah

2356. Though he may be a multi-zillionaire

2357. At least I still have my nose

2358. At least we're not crazy

2359. We don't sleep with chimpanzees

2360. We don't bleach our skin

2361. Or dangle babies from balconies

2362. We loved being child stars on your television

2363. But misbehaving, we'll bust your head

2364. Gee, Wally, was it something they said?

2365. Child stars on your television

2366. Most of us have nothing to lose

2367. So we'll put your butt on the 5:00 news

2368. Child stars on your television

2369. We don't know karate, but we do know crazy

2370. We'll beat you so bad, your future will be hazy

2371. Child stars on your television

2372. Don't ever say, "Didn't you used to be... ?"

2373. Or I'll put your head through a vintage TV

2374. Child stars on your television

2375. Eight rehabs isn't enough

2376. But I've done and seen the most killer stuff

2377. Child stars on your television

2378. You want an autograph but I'm a tell you this

2379. Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss

2380. Child stars on your television

2381. You can dance like me, you can dance like Mickey

2382. I'll hurt you real bad, you can take it from Kenickie

2383. Now of course we've been kidding

2384. This has all been in fun

2385. We're happy you still love us, after our shows have gone

2386. But please just follow our simple rules

2387. Or we'll beat you like rented mules.

2388. We loved being child stars on your television

2389. Child stars.

2390. Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh

2391. Oh-oh, oh, oh

2392. I'm a former childhood star

2393. If you think you know me, take another look

2394. I'm not what you think

2395. The heather smile, the bows I took

2396. Don't misunderstand me

2397. Please don't get me wrong

2398. I wouldn't change a thing

2399. I'm happy to sing one more song

2400. Still I wonder

2401. All right you guys, thanks for coming.

2402. Let's skedoodle.

2403. All right, that's seriously the end.

2404. People in the back, beat it.

2405. We know you left your popcorn.

2406. That's fine. Someone will get it.

2407. And quit pretending like you're reading the credits.

2408. They're so small,

2409. and we're pushing them by so fast.

2410. We don't even know who these people are.

2411. It's some contract thing.

2412. Who was that?

2413. Was that one of you guys, or was that me?

2414. That was me.

2415. Got a little bite in it.

2416. Come on, that's funny.