1. First of all,
let me get something straight.Copy !req
2. This is a journal, not a diary.Copy !req
3. When Mom went out to buy this thing,Copy !req
4. I specifically told her not to get a book
that said "Diary" on it.Copy !req
5. But, of course, she didn't listen.Copy !req
6. It's been hard enough getting through
the first week of middle schoolCopy !req
7. without carrying this thing
around with me.Copy !req
8. Hey, this kid's got a diary.Copy !req
9. A-Actually, it's a jour—Copy !req
10. If Mom's expecting me to write down
my feelings or whatever,Copy !req
11. she's gonna be disappointed.Copy !req
12. The only reason I agreed
to write in this thing at allCopy !req
13. is because one day
I'm gonna be rich and famous.Copy !req
14. And people'll wanna read about my
early years. So I'm doing this for them.Copy !req
15. - Greg is so smart.
- So handsome.Copy !req
16. - So brave.
- And he smells terrific.Copy !req
17. But for now, I'm stuck in middle school…Copy !req
18. …surrounded by morons.Copy !req
19. But luckily, I'm not alone
in this middle school thing.Copy !req
20. My best friend, Rowley,
is in the same grade as me.Copy !req
21. I doubt he's ever gonna be
rich and famous,Copy !req
22. but it's good to have him around
for laughs.Copy !req
23. Did you know
if your hand is bigger than your face,Copy !req
24. it's a sign that your brain is shrinking?Copy !req
25. It is?Copy !req
26. Gotcha.Copy !req
27. But does this mean my brain is shrinking?Copy !req
28. Not sure.Copy !req
29. Let's check the other hand.Copy !req
30. I'm glad Rowley's along for the ride,Copy !req
31. because everything else
about middle school stinks.Copy !req
32. And I can't believe it was just a week agoCopy !req
33. that me and Rowley were actually
looking forward to this.Copy !req
34. Heads up!Copy !req
35. That was a good one.
You almost hit the front tire that time.Copy !req
36. You just need to slow down a little
so I can get locked in.Copy !req
37. - Let me get this straight.
- Come on, Rowley.Copy !req
38. So in middle school,Copy !req
39. do you just go to a different room
for each class?Copy !req
40. Come on. You got it.Copy !req
41. And you just carry all your stuff
around with you all day?Copy !req
42. No, no. No, no, no.Copy !req
43. They give you a lockerCopy !req
44. so you can just ditch the books you
don't need in between periods.Copy !req
45. W-w-what about recess?Copy !req
46. There's still recess, right?Copy !req
47. I told you, like, a million times, Rowley.Copy !req
48. Recess is an elementary school thing.Copy !req
49. Aw. But I like recess.Copy !req
50. Are you gonna go,
or are you just gonna sit there?Copy !req
51. Don't you want a turn riding?
I've gone three times in a row.Copy !req
52. But you're way better at riding than me.
I can never do it as good as you.Copy !req
53. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
54. Oh, come on, Rodrick! You made me miss!Copy !req
55. I'm okay.Copy !req
56. One of the reasons
I'm friends with Rowley isCopy !req
57. there aren't a whole lot of boys my age
in the neighborhood.Copy !req
58. In fact, aside from Rowley,
there's only really—Copy !req
59. Fregley!Copy !req
60. Why, hello, Greg Heffley.Copy !req
61. Hi, Fregley. I was just, um,
getting— getting my football.Copy !req
62. Wanna come inside my house for a playdate?Copy !req
63. I can show you my room.Copy !req
64. You know, I'll definitely take you up
on that offer sometime.Copy !req
65. Wanna see my…Copy !req
66. secret freckle?Copy !req
67. Should we do that one over?Copy !req
68. Who's hungry?Copy !req
69. So, did everyone have a good day?Copy !req
70. Frank, don't do that with your food.
It's weird.Copy !req
71. - It tastes better this way.Copy !req
72. Hey! Oh!Copy !req
73. I'm still gonna eat it.Copy !req
74. Greg, is that dirt
on your back-to-school clothes?Copy !req
75. Please don't call them that.Copy !req
76. What on earth were you doing
to get so filthy?Copy !req
77. I was throwing a football in the street
with Rowley.Copy !req
78. You were playing a sport with
your feet and hands and not a device.Copy !req
79. Wo— Wow.Copy !req
80. I guess.Copy !req
81. Mark the calendar, Susan.
Greg here played a sport.Copy !req
82. You weren't playing that game
with Rowley, were you?Copy !req
83. You know you're banned from playing that.Copy !req
84. Somebody is going to get hurt.Copy !req
85. What?Copy !req
86. Oh! Oh, that game?Copy !req
87. No. No way.Copy !req
88. You said we couldn't play that anymore.Copy !req
89. Right. And Rowley's parents
are in full agreement.Copy !req
90. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
91. Okay, there. All clean.Copy !req
92. Speaking of Rowley,
how's he feeling about Monday?Copy !req
93. Is he looking forward
to his first day of middle school?Copy !req
94. Hmm. I'm not sure.Copy !req
95. I think he might be
a little nervous, actually.Copy !req
96. Well, he's lucky to have you
as a best friend.Copy !req
97. You know, that's all you need to get by
in this world.Copy !req
98. One good friend.Copy !req
99. Yeah.Copy !req
100. And you're lucky to have a big brotherCopy !req
101. who's already gone through
the middle school experience.Copy !req
102. Right, Rodrick?Copy !req
103. - Rodrick!
- Huh?Copy !req
104. Take off your headphones.
You know the rule.Copy !req
105. Why don't you give Greg a pep talk
about middle school?Copy !req
106. Greg's going to middle school?Copy !req
107. Yes, Rodrick.Copy !req
108. Why don't you tell him
what he can expect on his first day?Copy !req
109. Here's what you need to know.Copy !req
110. First of all, watch where you sit
on the first day of school,Copy !req
111. because your teacher might make that
your permanent seat.Copy !req
112. Next, don't use the bathroom
on the second floor,Copy !req
113. no matter how bad you have to go.Copy !req
114. - There aren't any doors on those stalls.Copy !req
115. And finally, whatever you do,Copy !req
116. don't get the Cheese Touch.Copy !req
117. 'Cause if you do,
you might as well be dead.Copy !req
118. Thank you, Rodrick,Copy !req
119. - for that wonderful pep talk.Copy !req
120. Greg, please forget
everything that you just heard.Copy !req
121. Especially the nonsense about the cheese.Copy !req
122. But wha— what's the Cheese Touch?Copy !req
123. It all started
in my first year of middle school.Copy !req
124. No one knows where it came fromCopy !req
125. - or who put it there.
- Don't do it!Copy !req
126. One day…
- Stay away!Copy !req
127. …a slice of Swiss cheese
appeared on the blacktop.Copy !req
128. Ew!Copy !req
129. At first,Copy !req
130. - no one would go near it.
- Ugh!Copy !req
131. And then one day…
- Hmm.Copy !req
132. …a kid named Darren Walsh got curious.Copy !req
133. No way!Copy !req
134. And that's what started
the Cheese Touch.Copy !req
135. The only way to get rid of the Cheese
Touch is to give it to someone else.Copy !req
136. Then one day…Copy !req
137. …a kid named Abe Hall moved to California.Copy !req
138. He took the Cheese Touch with him.Copy !req
139. But the cheese remained.Copy !req
140. And to this day, it sits on the blacktop,Copy !req
141. waiting to strike again!Copy !req
142. Well, that's terrifying.Copy !req
143. Don't let Rodrick scare you, Greg.Copy !req
144. Middle school's gonna be fun.Copy !req
145. Oh, and please don't mention
the— the cheese thing to Rowley.Copy !req
146. Honestly,
it— it'll scare him half to death.Copy !req
147. Who's Rowley?Copy !req
148. Greg's best friend.Copy !req
149. You know, the kid who's over here
almost every single day.Copy !req
150. Oh, him.Copy !req
151. I thought you were babysitting that kid.Copy !req
152. We're the same age.Copy !req
153. He's the same age as y—Copy !req
154. Oh, man. I thought he was, like,
in kindergarten or something.Copy !req
155. Middle school's gonna eat him alive.Copy !req
156. Rodrick.Copy !req
157. Let me give you
one last piece of advice, Greg.Copy !req
158. Middle school is every man for himself.Copy !req
159. You don't need some overgrown baby
weighing you down.Copy !req
160. Rodrick!Copy !req
161. That's enough.Copy !req
162. Greg, come on, man. Trust me.Copy !req
163. Cut him loose now or you both drown.Copy !req
164. - You lose!
- Woo-hoo!Copy !req
165. In your face, Greg! That's three in a row.Copy !req
166. Wanna go again?Copy !req
167. No, that's okay. We can shut it off.Copy !req
168. What's the matter?Copy !req
169. Afraid to lose?Copy !req
170. No, I'm just not in the mood.Copy !req
171. Rowley, cut it out!Copy !req
172. I mean—Copy !req
173. Don't you think
it's time to start acting our age?Copy !req
174. But you always do the chicken thing to me.Copy !req
175. It's not just that, Rowley.Copy !req
176. Look around this room.Copy !req
177. All these stuffed animals, that bedspread,
and what's with this Joshie guy anyway?Copy !req
178. Joshie's from Europe.Copy !req
179. And you're just jealous
because I discovered him first.Copy !req
180. Yeah, I'm jealous that you discovered
some stupid pop starCopy !req
181. whose fans are only six-year-old girls.Copy !req
182. Joshie says,Copy !req
183. "Follow your dreams
and respect your parents."Copy !req
184. Don't you think
it's time to grow up, Rowley?Copy !req
185. You're in middle school now.Copy !req
186. Well, not yet.Copy !req
187. "Be friendly to one another, yes?"Copy !req
188. Come on, Rowley.Copy !req
189. Middle school's no joke.Copy !req
190. There's bullies, and bathrooms with
no stall doors, and permanent seats,Copy !req
191. - and— and—
- And what?Copy !req
192. And the cheese!Copy !req
193. What's the cheese?Copy !req
194. Please don't mention the cheese thing.Copy !req
195. It'll scare him half to death.Copy !req
196. You know what?Copy !req
197. Forget I said anything.Copy !req
198. Middle school's gonna be just fine.
In fact, it'll be great.Copy !req
199. Yeah, 'cause we're in it together.
Right, Greg? Friends till the end.Copy !req
200. Yeah, friends till the end.Copy !req
201. Hi, how was your summer?
- My summer was awesome.Copy !req
202. No, I hate camp.Copy !req
203. Oh, my gosh, I love your backpack.Copy !req
204. Did your mom
dress you this morning?Copy !req
205. Look at those high waters.Copy !req
206. I heard that Peter Mud and Alicia
Tango got their braces stuck togetherCopy !req
207. - over the summer.
- Move to the side, shrimp.Copy !req
208. - Come on. Let's go. I don't wanna be late.
- But what about the— the cheese?Copy !req
209. That's just some stupid fairy tale
Rodrick made up.Copy !req
210. Stop trying to copy my style, please.Copy !req
211. Nice mom jeans, Kelsey.Copy !req
212. Hair color…Copy !req
213. You know,
maybe this isn't such a good idea.Copy !req
214. Maybe my mom can homeschool me.Copy !req
215. - Come on, Rowley.Copy !req
216. You can do this.Copy !req
217. We can do this. We just need
to find our lockers and we'll be fine.Copy !req
218. Heads up.Copy !req
219. - Whoa!Copy !req
220. Ugh!Copy !req
221. But I gotta go to the bathroom!Copy !req
222. Ugh!Copy !req
223. …sanitary.Copy !req
224. Yep. Homeschool for sure.Copy !req
225. One step at a time.Copy !req
226. Don't make eye contact,
and they won't even notice you're here.Copy !req
227. You better not be looking
at my boyfriend, Kelsey.Copy !req
228. Come on. I was eating that.Copy !req
229. Help me.Copy !req
230. Mm-mmm.Copy !req
231. That was close.Copy !req
232. Kindergarten's
down the street.Copy !req
233. Not so bad.Copy !req
234. And look.
Our lockers are right next to each other.Copy !req
235. Yes!Copy !req
236. Look. They keep our schedules in here.Copy !req
237. Cool. Let me see yours.Copy !req
238. But they don't match.Copy !req
239. Well, we've got lunch together.
We'll see each other then.Copy !req
240. Oh, hey!
- See ya!Copy !req
241. What do we do now?Copy !req
242. We go to homeroom.Copy !req
243. Mine's right here.Copy !req
244. Yours is upstairs, I think.Copy !req
245. - There's an upstairs?Copy !req
246. - Out of the way, runt.
- Move to the side, shrimp.Copy !req
247. - Step aside, little man.
- Yes, not for long, little man.Copy !req
248. Greg! What do I do? What do I do?Copy !req
249. There was no time
to worry about Rowley,Copy !req
250. because I needed to focus
on my own situation.Copy !req
251. I was glad Rodrick gave me
a few pointers, so I knew what not to do.Copy !req
252. Oh, hey.
- Yeah. Awesome.Copy !req
253. Uh…Copy !req
254. Exactly!Copy !req
255. But it turns out…
- Shh.Copy !req
256. …having an older brother
who went to the same schoolCopy !req
257. isn't such a good thing after all.Copy !req
258. - Greg Heffley?
- Huh?Copy !req
259. - As in Rodrick Heffley's brother?Copy !req
260. You'll be sitting
in the chair in front of my desk.Copy !req
261. Oh!Copy !req
262. Bro, dude's with the weirdo.Copy !req
263. Just about everything's different
from elementary school.Copy !req
264. Wouldn't want to be him.Copy !req
265. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
266. And the biggest change
is who's popular and who's not.Copy !req
267. - Back in elementary school, it was simple.Copy !req
268. If you were the fastest runner,
you were the most popular.Copy !req
269. - In fifth grade…Copy !req
270. …the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.Copy !req
271. But now, all the rules have changed.Copy !req
272. Now it's all about whether or not
you have cool hairCopy !req
273. and how many followers
you have on social media.Copy !req
274. In middle school,Copy !req
275. a kid like George Deveney
is at the top of the food chain,Copy !req
276. and Ronnie McCoy is scratching his head
wondering what the heck happened.Copy !req
277. So what I'm trying to figure out
is where I fit into all this.Copy !req
278. I'm sure I'm not at the top of the ladder,
but at least I'm not at the bottom.Copy !req
279. Does this scab smell funny to you?Copy !req
280. But there's one way for sure
to get to the bottom.Copy !req
281. Come on!Copy !req
282. Run! Yeah!
- Yo, get in there for the rebound, dude.Copy !req
283. And nobody's risking that.Copy !req
284. What are you standing around for?Copy !req
285. Get the ball!Copy !req
286. Ew. It's so gross.Copy !req
287. Hey, what did you get for lunch?
- Today I have a jacket.Copy !req
288. Looks pretty full up.Copy !req
289. Oh, hey.Copy !req
290. Try your luck with someone else.
Maybe try the table next door.Copy !req
291. - Eighth-graders only, newbies.Copy !req
292. Should we sit with the girls?Copy !req
293. We're out of our league here.Copy !req
294. Hey! Over there.Copy !req
295. - Take a hike.
- Hey.Copy !req
296. Band members only.
- Not today, guys.Copy !req
297. Over there. Let's go!Copy !req
298. Yeah?
Check back when we're not so busy.Copy !req
299. Uh…Copy !req
300. There's two!Copy !req
301. And another thing.Copy !req
302. Don't use the bathroom
on the second floor.Copy !req
303. That was a big mistake.Copy !req
304. Yeah, I probably
should have warned you about that.Copy !req
305. I can't deal with this.
I need to be sitting at a table.Copy !req
306. But you said only popular kids
get seats at the table.Copy !req
307. Well, I heard Charlie Davies
is getting braces next week,Copy !req
308. so he'll definitely
drop a few spots for sure.Copy !req
309. But that's only one spot. We need two.Copy !req
310. That's all the time we get?
I didn't even get to finish my juice box.Copy !req
311. We gotta go to fifth period, Rowley.Copy !req
312. I'll meet you back here
at the door after school.Copy !req
313. But I don't want to go back out there.Copy !req
314. Keep a low profile and you'll be fine.Copy !req
315. Think good thoughts, Rowley.Copy !req
316. Good thoughts, Rowley. Good thoughts.Copy !req
317. Hey, Greg!Copy !req
318. After school, wanna come over and play?Copy !req
319. Play, play, play, play, play…Copy !req
320. Play.Copy !req
321. Play.Copy !req
322. - Play.
- Play.Copy !req
323. - Hey, kid. Wanna come over and play?
- Huh?Copy !req
324. Um, no, thank you.Copy !req
325. Psst! Rowley!Copy !req
326. There you are! You said we were gonna
meet at the back door.Copy !req
327. "Hang out," Rowley.Copy !req
328. You say "hang out" in middle school,
not "play."Copy !req
329. I've told you that a million times.Copy !req
330. Oh, yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
331. Seriously,
you gotta start listening to me, Rowley.Copy !req
332. You're gonna get us both killed.Copy !req
333. So, do you wanna hang out
and "do" video games?Copy !req
334. Better.Copy !req
335. Thankfully,
Rowley did start listening to me.Copy !req
336. We made it through
the next few weeks alive.Copy !req
337. But by the time Halloween rolled around,
Rowley started to slip again.Copy !req
338. Do you think our teachers will let us
wear our costumes to school tomorrow?Copy !req
339. No, Rowley. No!
Have I not taught you anything?Copy !req
340. They had a costume parade
in elementary school.Copy !req
341. Right, elementary school.
We're in middle school now, remember?Copy !req
342. Yeah, you keep reminding me.Copy !req
343. Listen. The only reason
I'm trick-or-treating this yearCopy !req
344. is for the candy.Copy !req
345. And I really don't want anyone
knowing we're doing this, okay?Copy !req
346. - I guess.
- Listen, things are hard enough at school.Copy !req
347. I just don't wanna put a target
on our backs, you know?Copy !req
348. Fine.Copy !req
349. So wear something
that doesn't attract too much attention.Copy !req
350. - Seriously, we have to be invisible.
- Got it.Copy !req
351. Ooh!
Is that our first trick-or-treater?Copy !req
352. - Can someone get the door?
- I'm on it.Copy !req
353. What? Huh?Copy !req
354. Rowley, what are you doing?
I thought we said we were being invisible?Copy !req
355. - My mom made me add safety stuff.
- We can deal with costume stuff later.Copy !req
356. Bubby.
- Greg?Copy !req
357. Let's get out of here before—Copy !req
358. You weren't gonna leave without Manny,
were you?Copy !req
359. - Rowley, you look adorable.
- Come on.Copy !req
360. - Mom, can't someone else take Manny?Copy !req
361. Well, Rodrick's at the high school party,
I'm going to be handing out the candy,Copy !req
362. and Dad is doing that thing
that he does on Halloween.Copy !req
363. Okay. Man your stations.
Well, I'll man mine.Copy !req
364. Just making sure we're not getting
toilet-papered this year.Copy !req
365. It takes too long to get that off.
No, no. It's not happening.Copy !req
366. Good thoughts. All positivity.Copy !req
367. But Manny will just slow us down.Copy !req
368. We're trying to double our territory
this year, Mom.Copy !req
369. Well, there are only so many houses
in our neighborhood.Copy !req
370. Wait a minute.Copy !req
371. You're not planning to take the shortcut
through Snake Road, are you?Copy !req
372. - What? No.Copy !req
373. That— That would be crazy.Copy !req
374. Good. Because you would be in big trouble
if you did.Copy !req
375. - Right, Manny?Copy !req
376. Keep to the sidewalks,
and I want you back at 8:00.Copy !req
377. It's a school night.Copy !req
378. 8:00? 8:00 a.m.?Copy !req
379. All right. I— I mean, I'm fine with that.Copy !req
380. Fine. 8:30 and not a second later.Copy !req
381. Oh, Rowley, you know what?
Those glow sticks are a great idea.Copy !req
382. Let me see if I have any in the pantry.Copy !req
383. Okay, time to go.Copy !req
384. - Come on, Manny. You wanna get some candy?Copy !req
385. Arr!Copy !req
386. Thank you.
- Isn't he in your class?Copy !req
387. That's a kiddy costume!
- All right! Let's go!Copy !req
388. It's the Prince of Preschool.Copy !req
389. What a dork.Copy !req
390. Trick or treat.Copy !req
391. Trick or treat.Copy !req
392. - Candy.
- Aw. Here, take five.Copy !req
393. - Yay!Copy !req
394. Thanks.Copy !req
395. Aren't you too old for trick or treat?Copy !req
396. What the heck?Copy !req
397. Aw.Copy !req
398. Bye.Copy !req
399. Unbelievable.Copy !req
400. Come on, guys.
We need to pick up the pace a little.Copy !req
401. You guys are killing me.Copy !req
402. Hi.Copy !req
403. Is that a cute little pirate I see?Copy !req
404. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
405. Aw.Copy !req
406. Here's some extra booty for your bucket.Copy !req
407. - Biggie!
- Seriously?Copy !req
408. King-size?
It'll take you a week to get through that.Copy !req
409. Bubby!Copy !req
410. Hmm…Copy !req
411. - Do you see what's happening here, Rowley?
- Hmm? Aw.Copy !req
412. This kid's our golden ticket!Copy !req
413. - Hmm?Copy !req
414. Aw.Copy !req
415. There you go.Copy !req
416. Oh, yes!Copy !req
417. Yay!Copy !req
418. Bubby! Candy!Copy !req
419. I can't believe we never thought
of bringing Manny.Copy !req
420. - This kid's a gold mine.
- Yeah.Copy !req
421. So we'll stop by my house,
empty these bags in my room,Copy !req
422. then head back out for another round,
okay?Copy !req
423. I don't know. I mean, Manny looks tired.Copy !req
424. He's fine. Aren't you, Manny?Copy !req
425. See? That was a nod.Copy !req
426. - Actually, I'm kind of tired too.Copy !req
427. Come on, Rowley.
We can stock up on candy for the year!Copy !req
428. We can't let this opportunity go to waste.Copy !req
429. But we don't need that much candy.Copy !req
430. Seriously?
You can never have too much candy, Rowley.Copy !req
431. Candy's like money in middle school.
We can buy someone's lunch seats off them.Copy !req
432. How about just like
a couple more houses, okay?Copy !req
433. It's the end of the night.Copy !req
434. Everyone's looking
to get rid of their candy.Copy !req
435. - We can make a killing.
- I don't know.Copy !req
436. Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna hit Whirley Street.Copy !req
437. Whirley Street?
But that's like a mile from here.Copy !req
438. - Not if we take a shortcut.
- Snake Road?Copy !req
439. - Don't you remember what your mom said?
- She'll never even know.Copy !req
440. Twenty more minutes and we'll be back
at my house eating our candy. I promise.Copy !req
441. We're not little kids anymore.Copy !req
442. All right. That's my boy.Copy !req
443. I— I think we made a mistake.Copy !req
444. It's gonna be worth it, Rowley.
Just think about all the candy.Copy !req
445. I don't even like candy all that much.Copy !req
446. Rowley, do not say that.
Don't even joke about it.Copy !req
447. Do you think the Goat Man is gonna get us?Copy !req
448. Are you kidding me, Rowley?
That's obviously a made-up story.Copy !req
449. - Rodrick was just trying to scare us.
- That's what you said about the cheese.Copy !req
450. And that was real.Copy !req
451. Yeah, well, a half-man, half-goat?Copy !req
452. It's not even physically possible, Rowley.Copy !req
453. But—Copy !req
454. But if the Goat Man was real,Copy !req
455. do you think he's a goat on the top
and a person on the bottom?Copy !req
456. Or the other way around?Copy !req
457. Or do you think
he's got a split down the middleCopy !req
458. with a goat on the left side
and a person on the right?Copy !req
459. Can we stop talking about this?
I think I hear some—Copy !req
460. Teenagers!Copy !req
461. Whoa! That was close!Copy !req
462. Yeah. Um, let's just keep moving before—Copy !req
463. Look at these little nerds,
out past their bedtimes.Copy !req
464. Yeah. Shouldn't you be getting
a good night's sleep?Copy !req
465. Actually, we're in middle school.
My bedtime's not until 9:00.Copy !req
466. Mom let me stay up extra tonight.Copy !req
467. Yeah, we— we better head home.
Have a good night, fellas.Copy !req
468. Ooh! Look at those bags.
Is that all candy?Copy !req
469. Mostly. But my parents handed out
miniature toothbrushes this year,Copy !req
470. so we've got those too.Copy !req
471. We— We'd really better get going now.Copy !req
472. It would be a real pity
if that candy got wet.Copy !req
473. - What?
- Huh?Copy !req
474. Greg, run!Copy !req
475. Let's go!Copy !req
476. Hang on to Manny!Copy !req
477. Whoa!Copy !req
478. - Yeah!Copy !req
479. Yeah, baby!Copy !req
480. Not so fast!Copy !req
481. Whoo!Copy !req
482. Whoa!Copy !req
483. Oh, yes!Copy !req
484. You'll pay for this!Copy !req
485. We know where you go to school!Copy !req
486. - Whoa!Copy !req
487. Is this…Copy !req
488. My yard! We made it, Rowley.Copy !req
489. We're alive!Copy !req
490. I told you, Rowley.Copy !req
491. If you just stick with me,
everything will be fine.Copy !req
492. Now let's get inside
and enjoy some of this candy.Copy !req
493. Ha ha! Oh!Copy !req
494. Sorry. I-I thought you were teenagers.Copy !req
495. Are you all right?Copy !req
496. You're all right.Copy !req
497. We were worried sick about you two.Copy !req
498. - Mama.
- Where were you boys?Copy !req
499. Snake Road.Copy !req
500. Busted.Copy !req
501. Mom grounded me
from playing video games for a week,Copy !req
502. which is her go-to punishment.Copy !req
503. That meant I had to figure out something
else to do with my time after school.Copy !req
504. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
505. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
506. I'm thinking I might either
run for student councilCopy !req
507. or maybe sign up for the dance committee.
Or maybe I'll try out for the play.Copy !req
508. - They're doing Wizard of Oz this year.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
509. Chirag Gupta wants to be Toto,Copy !req
510. and Patty Farrell says
Mrs. Norton already promised her Dorothy.Copy !req
511. I'm trying to decide if I wanna try out
for the Scarecrow or the Cowardly Lion.Copy !req
512. Sounds great, Rowley.
Can you go now?Copy !req
513. Well,
aren't you gonna sign up for anything?Copy !req
514. My mom says, "It's important to belong to
something when you're in middle school."Copy !req
515. Belong to something?Copy !req
516. Rowley, I can't even get a seat at lunch,
and I'm sick and tired of it.Copy !req
517. But if we were in the play,Copy !req
518. we could make friends who could invite us
to sit at their lunch table.Copy !req
519. That's a lot of work, Rowley.
And it'll take too much of my time.Copy !req
520. I need to change my situation now!Copy !req
521. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
522. Whoa!Copy !req
523. Hey, oh!Copy !req
524. Rowley!Copy !req
525. You okay? I feel so bad!
I really didn't mean to flip you.Copy !req
526. I think I hurt my arm.Copy !req
527. Yeah, I think I might have pulled
something myself.Copy !req
528. Can you believe that throw though?
I mean—Copy !req
529. Ow.Copy !req
530. Oh, man. You're really hurt.Copy !req
531. I think I'd better go home.Copy !req
532. Okay. But you can't tell your parents
how this happened.Copy !req
533. If my mom found out
we were playing this game, she'd go nuts.Copy !req
534. - I'm already grounded.
- What am I supposed to tell them then?Copy !req
535. Just say you were playing tag
and that you tripped on the curb.Copy !req
536. But whatever you do,
don't mention the Rumble Trike.Copy !req
537. Got it?Copy !req
538. Got it.Copy !req
539. So what happened at the hospital?
- They took a bunch of X-rays.Copy !req
540. The doctor says my arm is broken.Copy !req
541. Broken?Copy !req
542. Oh, man. I thought it was just
bruised or something.Copy !req
543. Nope. I've got a cast and everything.Copy !req
544. A cast? That's serious!Copy !req
545. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
546. I mean,
that's really awful and everything.Copy !req
547. - But do you know what this means?
- Yeah.Copy !req
548. I have to put a plastic bag over my arm
in the shower for a whole month.Copy !req
549. No! What this means for school.Copy !req
550. I guess I can't do
the wrestling unit in Phys Ed?Copy !req
551. Rowley! A cast is the greatest
thing that can happen to a kid.Copy !req
552. - It is?
- Yes, Rowley.Copy !req
553. - Everyone's gonna wanna sign it.
- What? They will?Copy !req
554. Yes. Kids will be begging you
to sit at their lunch table.Copy !req
555. Yeah.Copy !req
556. And I hope you'll remember
who your real friends are, Rowley.Copy !req
557. The people who helped you get
to where you are.Copy !req
558. - Yeah.
- What about your parents?Copy !req
559. Are they suspicious?Copy !req
560. I told them I tripped on a rock
playing Duck, Duck, Goose, like you said.Copy !req
561. Like I said?Copy !req
562. We were playing tag, Rowley!
And you tripped over the curb.Copy !req
563. It doesn't even make sense for two people
to play Duck, Duck, Goose. Come on!Copy !req
564. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- We gotta get our story straight,Copy !req
565. or they're gonna find out
about the Rumble Trike.Copy !req
566. Did you say, "Rumble Trike"?Copy !req
567. I don't know
what to do with you, Greg.Copy !req
568. First you disobey me and go to Snake Road.Copy !req
569. Then you play that— that game.Copy !req
570. I told you someone
was going to get hurt playing that.Copy !req
571. I'm sorry, Mom. I just…Copy !req
572. Lying to me is bad enough,Copy !req
573. but telling Rowley to lie to his parents
is just— just—Copy !req
574. Mom, I know I messed up.Copy !req
575. You can take away my video games
for the month.Copy !req
576. The year if it makes you feel better.Copy !req
577. Punishing you doesn't make me feel better,
Greg.Copy !req
578. I'm trying to raise a good kid.Copy !req
579. I do wanna be good, Mom.Copy !req
580. Well, then here's what you need to do.Copy !req
581. You need to figure out a way
to make things right by Rowley.Copy !req
582. You owe that to him.Copy !req
583. That boy is such a good friend to you.Copy !req
584. Yeah, Mom.Copy !req
585. I can't tell you how to make things right.Copy !req
586. That part is up to you.Copy !req
587. - But Mom…
- Listen to that inner voice, Greg.Copy !req
588. I know it's in there.Copy !req
589. Do the right thing.Copy !req
590. Okay,
I know what my mom wanted me to do.Copy !req
591. She wanted me to tell Rowley's parents
the truth about what happened.Copy !req
592. But here's the thing.
Rowley's dad has never really liked me.Copy !req
593. I knew if I told him what really happened,Copy !req
594. it was just gonna make him
like me even less.Copy !req
595. That wouldn't make things any better.Copy !req
596. I don't wanna get Rowley in trouble
for lying,Copy !req
597. 'cause then he'd be in trouble too.Copy !req
598. So, I decided the right thing to do
was to just let things be.Copy !req
599. Because telling the truth
would make things worse for everybody.Copy !req
600. - Ooh.
- Oh, my gosh. What happened?Copy !req
601. - It looks so cool.
- Oh, you're so great.Copy !req
602. Can I sign it?Copy !req
603. And I'll tell you another thing
that I was right about.Copy !req
604. That cast. In fact, it worked even better
than I thought it would.Copy !req
605. It's so cool.Copy !req
606. Just like I predicted, getting
a seat at lunch was no problem at all.Copy !req
607. Well,
at least for Rowley it wasn't a problem.Copy !req
608. Here comes the airplane.Copy !req
609. - Nom!
- Here comes the train!Copy !req
610. Chugga chugga chugga, choo choo!Copy !req
611. He can feed himself just fine, okay?Copy !req
612. Mmm.Copy !req
613. You know Rowley's left-handed?Copy !req
614. Who are you?Copy !req
615. I'm Greg Heffley, Rowley's best friend.Copy !req
616. I'm the one who broke his arm.Copy !req
617. You jerk!Copy !req
618. Get out of here.
- Heads up!Copy !req
619. I couldn't have Rowley
hog all the attention,Copy !req
620. so I decided to whip up
an injury of my own.Copy !req
621. It's just an infection caused by
a splinter that was left untreated.Copy !req
622. - Hey.Copy !req
623. Can I peek at your infection?Copy !req
624. Ew.Copy !req
625. I realized I couldn't compete
with Rowley's stupid injury.Copy !req
626. So that meant I needed
to find something of my own.Copy !req
627. And just like that, I did.Copy !req
628. Hey, Greg.
I couldn't find you after school.Copy !req
629. Huh?Copy !req
630. Sorry. I wanted to go home
and start working on my comics.Copy !req
631. Your comics? For what?Copy !req
632. The school paper.Copy !req
633. One of the cartoonists quit,
so now there's a spot open.Copy !req
634. Can I help?Copy !req
635. Sorry, Rowley. There's only one spot open.Copy !req
636. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
637. This is funny!Copy !req
638. "Oops. I've stepped in a puddle!Copy !req
639. Well, at least it's not an acid puddle!Copy !req
640. Ah! It is an acid puddle!Copy !req
641. Zoo-Wee Mama!"Copy !req
642. Zoo-Wee Mama!
Do you have any more like this one?Copy !req
643. I'm working on something better.Copy !req
644. Check this one out.
It's called "Creighton the Cretin."Copy !req
645. "Hiya, doc! Can I get a new butt?
My old one has a crack in it."Copy !req
646. "Everyone's butt has a crack in it,
you idiot!"Copy !req
647. "Oops."Copy !req
648. But when does he say, "Zoo-Wee Mama"?Copy !req
649. He doesn't.Copy !req
650. I think it'd be funnier if he said,
"Zoo-Wee Mama!"Copy !req
651. You know what? If you wanna draw
your own comic, be my guest.Copy !req
652. But we always do everything together.Copy !req
653. Yeah, well, not this time. Sorry.Copy !req
654. But can we be partners?Copy !req
655. You can write the comic,
and I can draw it.Copy !req
656. No offense, Rowley,
but you don't even draw noses on people.Copy !req
657. Sorry. This is kinda my thing,
like the way Joshie's your thing.Copy !req
658. Okay. Well, I guess I'll go work
on my comic at my house.Copy !req
659. Sounds good.Copy !req
660. See ya.Copy !req
661. After I turned in my comic,
all I could do was wait.Copy !req
662. But after a whole week went by,Copy !req
663. Mr. Humphreys made an announcement.Copy !req
664. Attention, students.
After careful consideration,Copy !req
665. we've made a decision
on the cartoonist for the school paper.Copy !req
666. And the new cartoonist is…Copy !req
667. - Greg Heffley.
- Yes! Yes!Copy !req
668. This is possibly the biggest thing
that has ever happened to me.Copy !req
669. - That's the dude?
- He wrote that?Copy !req
670. Is that cartoon kid?Copy !req
671. For the first time since I stepped
through those double doors,Copy !req
672. I wasn't invisible.Copy !req
673. - Teacher's pet!Copy !req
674. Aren't comics supposed
to make you laugh?Copy !req
675. "Creighton the Curious Student."Copy !req
676. Did you think that was funny?
- What the—Copy !req
677. "Teacher, if x plus 43 is 89,
what would x be?"Copy !req
678. "Why, it would be 46!"Copy !req
679. "Thanks! Kids,
if you'd like to learn more about math,Copy !req
680. have Mr. Humphreys show you aroundCopy !req
681. the newly expanded
math and science section of the library."Copy !req
682. "And thanks to the Parent-Teacher
Organization for funding the new section.Copy !req
683. Our old books were badly outdated."Copy !req
684. They changed it?Copy !req
685. - Teacher's pet!
- Thanks for ruining my day.Copy !req
686. - What a waste of ink.
- Nerd!Copy !req
687. Boo!Copy !req
688. Teacher's pet!Copy !req
689. See? That's what happensCopy !req
690. when the school librarian
is in charge of the newspaper.Copy !req
691. They've always gotta get pushy
with their books.Copy !req
692. One week after I quit,Copy !req
693. Mr. Humphreys chose someone to replace me,
and you'll never believe who he picked.Copy !req
694. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
695. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
696. Zoo-Wee Mama!
- Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
697. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
698. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
699. "Hey, pretty lady.
Do you wanna go on a date?"Copy !req
700. "I'm actually not a lady.
I'm one of those dogs with long hair.Copy !req
701. So, no thanks to that date."Copy !req
702. "Zoo-Wee Mama!"Copy !req
703. So a kid who can barely draw
got his comic in the school paper?Copy !req
704. It's totally unfair.
Why didn't they censor Rowley's work?Copy !req
705. You stole my comic.Copy !req
706. You said you didn't wanna do it anymore.Copy !req
707. Well, couldn't you come up
with something original for once, Rowley?Copy !req
708. Well, I can't help it
if I'm just naturally funny.Copy !req
709. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
710. Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
711. - Zoo-Wee Mama!
- Zoo-Wee Mama!Copy !req
712. You know what? I hope you enjoy all this,
because I'm tired of carrying you.Copy !req
713. Maybe it's the other way around.Copy !req
714. This comic, this lunch table, that cast.Copy !req
715. You wouldn't have any of it
if it wasn't for me!Copy !req
716. Yeah, because you broke my arm.Copy !req
717. Yeah. You're welcome.Copy !req
718. Rowley deserves your respect.Copy !req
719. - Zoo-Wee Mama!
- Oh!Copy !req
720. Okay, I'll admit.Copy !req
721. Maybe I could have handled
the situation at lunch a little better.Copy !req
722. But I figured, after a while,Copy !req
723. me and Rowley would cool down,
things would go back to normal.Copy !req
724. So do you like DinoBlasters?Copy !req
725. No.Copy !req
726. I love it.Copy !req
727. Thing is, that hasn't happened yet.Copy !req
728. Rowley's been hanging out
with this kid Chirag every day.Copy !req
729. You know the only reason he's doing it
is to make me jealous.Copy !req
730. But two can play at that game.Copy !req
731. - You wanna see my room?
- Yeah.Copy !req
732. Yes! Come on!Copy !req
733. The one and only Greg Heffley
is on my front step.Copy !req
734. Yeah, I guess I am.Copy !req
735. So I was thinking,
me and you are neighbors.Copy !req
736. Yeah. Uh-huh.Copy !req
737. But we barely even know each other.Copy !req
738. How'd you feel about a sleepover?Copy !req
739. Tonight?Copy !req
740. Yeah. Right now.
You and me. Just a couple of pals.Copy !req
741. Woo-hoo! Come on in.Copy !req
742. You know, maybe we should take this
one step at a time.Copy !req
743. How about if we just play
a quick game of cards and call it a night?Copy !req
744. Hey, Greg.Copy !req
745. Oh, Fregley.
Do you have a playmate over?Copy !req
746. Would you like for me
to knit him some socks?Copy !req
747. Yep. I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna be in therapy over this.Copy !req
748. Whoo!Copy !req
749. Greg Heffley's in my room.Copy !req
750. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
751. Yeah, but just for a short visit.Copy !req
752. In fact, I really need to be—Copy !req
753. You wanna play make-believe?Copy !req
754. You can be the church organist,
and I'll be the school hygienist.Copy !req
755. You know, that's tempting.
But I'm not really into—Copy !req
756. How about a tickle fight?Copy !req
757. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.Copy !req
758. I'm gonna tickle, tickle.Copy !req
759. I got you. I'm tickling you. Ha ha!Copy !req
760. Hey! What are you doing?Copy !req
761. Give me some space here.Copy !req
762. Can't you just stay over there?Copy !req
763. Well, what do you wanna do then?Copy !req
764. I don't know. I thought if we…Copy !req
765. Mmm.Copy !req
766. Fregley! That's the only candy bar
I had that wasn't wet.Copy !req
767. Mom never lets me have chocolate.Copy !req
768. Says it makes me hyperactive and unstable.Copy !req
769. - Fregley, are you okay? Fregley!Copy !req
770. I've blocked out big parts
of that night.Copy !req
771. Hey, Greg.Copy !req
772. I'm so glad I can't remember
every little thing that happened.Copy !req
773. - Hey!Copy !req
774. But what I do rememberCopy !req
775. is that I ended up
locked up in Fregley's bathroomCopy !req
776. while I waited
for his sugar high to wear off.Copy !req
777. Dear Gregory,Copy !req
778. I'm sorry I ate your candy
and chased you with a booger.Copy !req
779. Here, I put it on this piece of paper
so you can get me back.Copy !req
780. Signed, Fregley.Copy !req
781. What the—Copy !req
782. But if I could, I would forget everything.Copy !req
783. Hey, Greg. Hey!Copy !req
784. Oh, hey. Hey, Rowley. What's up?Copy !req
785. I was wondering
if I could stop by your house todayCopy !req
786. and pick up my copy of Twisted Wizard.Copy !req
787. Me and Chirag want to play it.Copy !req
788. Yeah, well, I've had it for a while,
so it's kind of mine now.Copy !req
789. I guess you and your new friend
will have to find something else to do.Copy !req
790. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not the only one
with a new friend.Copy !req
791. You mean Fregley?Copy !req
792. I'm permanently scarred from that night.Copy !req
793. And it's all your fault for ditching me.Copy !req
794. I ditched you?
More like the other way around.Copy !req
795. You haven't been the same ever since
you got that stupid cast.Copy !req
796. - You've changed.
- Fight!Copy !req
797. - Oh, yeah?
- They're gonna fight.Copy !req
798. Well, you're the one who broke my arm.Copy !req
799. You can take him. Knock him down!Copy !req
800. Guys, come over. Come check out the fight.Copy !req
801. Why don't you make a move?
- Unless you're chicken.Copy !req
802. Fight, fight, fight!Copy !req
803. Fight, fight, fight, fight!Copy !req
804. Where'd you learn to fight?
Ballerina school?Copy !req
805. If you don't do something,
I'm gonna fall asleep.Copy !req
806. Who taught you how to fight? Your granny?Copy !req
807. Are you two gonna fight
or keep dancing with each other?Copy !req
808. Do they even know how to do this?Copy !req
809. - Let's get out of here!
- Come on. Let's go!Copy !req
810. Well, look who it is.Copy !req
811. Our little friends from Halloween.Copy !req
812. We told you we'd find you.Copy !req
813. And now you're gonna pay
for busting my tire.Copy !req
814. But, like, how are they gonna pay?Copy !req
815. Yeah. Do you mean, like, with money?Copy !req
816. 'Cause not everybody
carries cash these days.Copy !req
817. No, you morons.Copy !req
818. Pay, as in, like, revenge.Copy !req
819. Okay. Now we're all on the same page.Copy !req
820. Okay. Now what?Copy !req
821. I am thinking.Copy !req
822. Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
823. - You still got that fire extinguisher?Copy !req
824. Nah. My mom made me
put it back in the house for "fires."Copy !req
825. What's this one looking at?Copy !req
826. Uh, it looks like…Copy !req
827. Cheese!Copy !req
828. Now, I really can't say
what happened next.Copy !req
829. Because if Rowley ever tries to run
for president when he grows upCopy !req
830. and people find out
what those teenagers made him do,Copy !req
831. he won't have a chance.Copy !req
832. So all I'm gonna sayCopy !req
833. is that the teenagers made RowleyCopy !req
834. - blank, blank, blank the cheese.Copy !req
835. Okay. You're next.Copy !req
836. No. But I just had lunch.
I'm not even really that hungry.Copy !req
837. You're not getting out of this.Copy !req
838. But, um, I'm lactose intolerant.Copy !req
839. It'll make me gassy.Copy !req
840. - Huh?Copy !req
841. Get out of here, you punks!Copy !req
842. You boys okay?Copy !req
843. What happened?
- They're gone.Copy !req
844. - What's going on?
- What's going on over here?Copy !req
845. The cheese!Copy !req
846. Look! There's—Copy !req
847. There's a piece missing!Copy !req
848. What?
- What?Copy !req
849. - Disgusting!
- Ew!Copy !req
850. Trust me, I was tempted to tell
everyone the truth about what happened,Copy !req
851. but then
I heard that annoying inner voice.Copy !req
852. Do the right thing, Greg.Copy !req
853. That's all you need to get by
in this world, you know?Copy !req
854. One good friend.Copy !req
855. Somebody has the Cheese Touch.Copy !req
856. Rowley Jefferson ate the—Copy !req
857. No!Copy !req
858. It was me! Those teenagers
dared me to do it, and I did it!Copy !req
859. So what? No big deal.Copy !req
860. - Greg Heffley has the Cheese Touch!Copy !req
861. He has the Cheese Touch.
- Oh, ew!Copy !req
862. The Cheese Touch!Copy !req
863. Okay, so I might have
bent the truth a little,Copy !req
864. but sometimes you have to do
that sort of thing to help a friend.Copy !req
865. So, uh…Copy !req
866. you, uh, wanna go to my placeCopy !req
867. and, I don't know,
play some Twisted Wizard?Copy !req
868. Yeah. That'd be good.Copy !req
869. Oh, man. I totally would've had you.Copy !req
870. Are you kidding?
You were totally about to start crying.Copy !req
871. I had something in my eye.Copy !req
872. I could've taken you
with my eyes closed.Copy !req
873. I could've beaten you
with my little pinkie.Copy !req
874. Having the Cheese Touch
hasn't been as bad as I thought.Copy !req
875. Cheese Touch!Copy !req
876. The kids at school
give me plenty of space.Copy !req
877. And it's not just in the hallways.Copy !req
878. I've pretty much got the run of the place.Copy !req
879. And the best part is,Copy !req
880. getting a seat at lunch
is not a problem anymore.Copy !req
881. - Run!Copy !req
882. In fact,
I've got a whole table to myself.Copy !req
883. Well, maybe not entirely to myself,
but I'm fine with it.Copy !req
884. And things are good with me and Rowley.Copy !req
885. In fact, they're better than good.Copy !req
886. But if Rowley ever steps out of line,Copy !req
887. I'll let everyone know
who really ate the you-know-what.Copy !req
888. Come on. Almost there.Copy !req
889. - I got you.Copy !req
890. - Eat my dust! Get out of my way!
- Oh, you got lucky that time.Copy !req
891. How are you this bad?Copy !req
892. - Oh!
- Best of three!Copy !req