1. Greg?
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2. Mmm.
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3. Greg?
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4. What?
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5. Greg!
Huh?
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6. What?
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7. What are you doing?
Get up!
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8. Mom and Dad
have been
calling you for an hour.
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9. You're about to be late
for your first day
of middle school.
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10. What?
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11. Oh, geez!
How did that happen?
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12. Go, go, go!
Mom's about to flip out!
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13. She sent me to get you
while she waits in the car!
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14. What are you doing?
What's going on?
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15. Getting ready for...
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16. . . .school.
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17. Are you insane?
School doesn't start
till next week.
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18. And, FYl,
school doesn't start
at 4:00 in the morning!
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19. You woke up Manny.
And if he doesn't
go back down...
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20. Good morning!
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21. There is no way
he is going back down.
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22. I just wanted to
sleep till 6:00.
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23. Bubby!
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24. Go to bed.
I got him.
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25. Greg, what are you doing up
making all this noise?
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26. It was Rodrick!
He woke me up!
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27. He changed my clock!
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28. But I swear,
he was just...
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29. Go to bed.
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30. What is that smell?
I can't
even identify it.
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31. Bubby!
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32. Happy Birthday!
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33. Here, Bubby.
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34. Wow! Look at the size
of that flamethrower!
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35. Okay, first of all,
let me get
something straight.
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36. This is a journal,
not a diary.
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37. Yeah, I know
what it says
on the cover.
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38. But when my mom went out
to buy this thing,
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39. I specifically told her
not to buy one
that said "diary" on it.
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40. This just proves
Mom doesn't understand
anything about kids my age.
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41. Huh?
Sissy!
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42. The only reason I agreed
to write in this thing
is because
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43. when I'm rich and famous
I'll have
better things to do
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44. than answer
people's stupid questions
all day long.
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45. Gregory, tell us
about your childhood!
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46. Were you always so smart
and handsome?
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47. Here's my journal.
Now, shoo, shoo.
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48. That's our boy up there.
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49. Why did I ever say
no to him?
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50. Mom got me this thing
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51. so I could write down
my feelings about
starting middle school.
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52. But I'm gonna be fine.
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53. It's my best friend,
Rowley Jefferson,
I'm worried about.
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54. He's definitely not
middle school ready.
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55. Geronimo!
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56. He's not quite clear
on the concept
of growing up.
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57. I want a puppy, a kitty,
a gumball machine...
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58. But anyway, this is
about me, not Rowley.
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59. I always figured
they'd make a movie
about my life.
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60. But I didn't think
they'd start
the story here.
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61. Because, seriously,
who wants to see a movie
about a kid
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62. who's stuck in middle school
with a bunch of morons?
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63. Three days, no shower.
Smell the love!
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64. Let me go, Rodrick!
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65. Come on.
We're just having
some fun, right?
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66. No, okay. So, look.
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67. Mom asked me
to give you some advice
about middle school.
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68. It's real simple.
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69. Don't talk to anyone.
Don't look at anyone.
Don't go anywhere.
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70. Don't sit down.
Don't raise your hand.
Don't go to the bathroom.
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71. Don't get noticed.
Don't choose
the wrong locker. Don't...
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72. Who am I kidding?
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73. You'll be dead
or homeschooled by
the end of the year, anyway.
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74. And don't be seen
with Rowley.
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75. Manny, stop it! Mom!
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76. Thanks for
the eggs, Mom.
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77. Frank?
Greg?
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78. I think it's gross
and undignified
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79. that I have to eat breakfast
next to him on the potty.
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80. Okay, well, it's your fault
he's still potty training.
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81. Don't look down, Manny.
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82. The potty monster
doesn't like it
when you look at him.
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83. I was just joking with him.
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84. Okay. Kiss him you're sorry
and then let's get a move on.
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85. Can't be late for
your first day of school.
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86. Let me just say
for the record that I think
middle school may be
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87. the dumbest idea
ever invented.
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88. You got kids like me
who haven't hit
their growth spurt yet
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89. mixed in with gorillas
who have to shave twice a day.
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90. There's juvenile delinquents
and weirdos.
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91. I'm smaller than about
95% of the kids
at my school...
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92. Give it back! Stop!
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93. so thank God
for Chirag Gupta.
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94. It's mine! Stop!
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95. Can I have
the backpack?
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96. You got to jump higher.
It's not yours!
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97. He's an excellent buffer
between me and these morons.
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98. Hey, Greg.
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99. Hey, fella!
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100. Seriously, I don't know
what happened to these kids
over the summer.
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101. Was there a nuclear accident?
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102. Science experiment
gone bad?
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103. Thank God there are a few
normal people or this place
would be a total freak show.
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104. if you're as discriminating
as I am,
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105. it can be tough to figure out
where to sit on your first day
of middle school.
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106. One bad move
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107. and you're stuck
next to some idiot
for the rest of the year.
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108. Greg!
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109. Remember how I said
Rowley wasn't
middle school ready?
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110. Well, there you go.
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111. What are you wearing?
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112. My family just got back
from Guatemala!
It's my serape!
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113. Nice, huh?
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114. All right, class,
I'm Mrs. Flint.
Everybody take your seats!
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115. Welcome to your first day
of middle school.
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116. Remember your seats.
You'll be sitting here
every day.
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117. Rowley, if you
had to say where
you were ranked
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118. in terms of
popularity
from one to 200,
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119. where would you
put yourself?
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120. ls 200 good or bad?
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121. I'd say you're somewhere
around the 154 mark.
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122. I'd put myself
around number 19 or 20.
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123. I might even have a shot
at the top spot
by the end of the year,
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124. if things go the way
I think they will.
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125. Well, who's at the bottom?
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126. Hey, guys, wanna see
my secret freckle?
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127. Fregley.
Sent home for hygiene issues
at least once a month.
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128. Check it out.
It's got a hair in it!
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129. What color is that?
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130. You wanna help me name it?
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131. All right, ladies!
Gather around!
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132. Come on,
put the knitting down!
Let's go!
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133. All right, everybody.
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134. I'm Coach Malone
and I am your gym teacher.
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135. P. E. is as much
a part of my life
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136. as waking up in the morning
and going to the bathroom.
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137. I live and breathe
Physical Education.
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138. Now, who's with me?
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139. Are you ready to have
some fun out there?
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140. Yeah!
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141. All right, outstanding!
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142. So we're gonna
divide you up
into two teams.
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143. So you two, over here.
You, you, you, this way.
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144. Yeah, you three,
this side. Good.
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145. You guys are going to
be Shirts!
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146. And you will be Skins.
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147. Why are we Skins?
I hate this.
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148. He's just trying to make
kids like us feel bad.
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149. What do you mean,
kids like us?
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150. I just don't want
to get a sunburn,
right, Rowley?
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151. My name is Bell E. Button.
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152. What's yours?
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153. Okay, let's start off
with a little game
I like to call Gladiator.
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154. I got this one!
No!
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155. Take that!
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156. Cover me!
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157. Oh, God.
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158. Not good!
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159. We're never going
to be able to
outrun these guys!
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160. We don't have to
outrun them!
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161. We just have to
outrun Chirag!
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162. Take a look,
take a look,
take a look
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163. At the kids on the street
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164. No, they never miss a beat
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165. Never miss a beat
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166. Think they saw us?
No way.
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167. They were focused on
getting that kid
with the limp.
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168. We'll hide here
for the rest
of the class
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169. because I'm not
playing that game.
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170. It's not fair.
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171. He's got all
the Neanderthals
on the same team.
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172. It's barbaric!
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173. It's completely
barbaric.
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174. This place is an
intellectual wasteland.
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175. But, you know,
it's nice to
meet someone
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176. more interested
in his mind
than in his body.
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177. You girls get to jump rope.
What are you doing hiding?
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178. Avoiding the pain.
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179. It all starts
in middle school,
you know?
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180. You're not a kid anymore.
The coddling has stopped.
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181. Kids are now separated
by intelligence.
The weak are picked on.
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182. And girls you've known
since kindergarten won't
even talk to you anymore.
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183. Okay, well,
sounds like you got it
all figured out,
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184. so go back
to your book.
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185. This place is
a glorified holding pen.
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186. All the way!
All the way!
You're like a machine!
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187. It's where
adults put you
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188. as you make that
awkward transition
between child and teenager
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189. so they don't even
have to look at you.
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190. Hi. I'm Angie.
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191. Great story.
We're gonna go now.
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192. Why? This is
a good spot.
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193. It's a perfect spot.
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194. I survived all of
the sixth grade here.
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195. And I would enjoy
some like-minded company
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196. to get me through
the seventh.
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197. Is that the whistle?
I think I hear the whistle.
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198. We need to go.
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199. No showboating,
all right?
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200. Why are we leaving?
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201. We could get killed
out here in the open!
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202. Put your shirt on.
They'll think
we're on their team.
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203. Besides, getting crushed
is better than being seen
with that freak job.
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204. Trust me, you can't
recover from
social suicide.
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205. I never talked to a girl
that long before.
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206. Whoa!
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207. Check that out.
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208. Is that cheese?
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209. Stop!
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210. Good God, man!
You almost got
the Cheese Touch.
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211. The what?
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212. The Cheese Touch.
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213. Nobody knows
when or how,
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214. but one day that cheese
mysteriously appeared
on the blacktop.
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215. Nobody knew
who it belonged to.
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216. Nobody touched it.
Nobody threw it away.
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217. And so there it sat,
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218. growing more foul
and powerful by the day.
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219. Then one day,
a kid named Darren Walsh
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220. made the biggest mistake
of his life.
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221. Darren touched
the cheese!
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222. No, I didn't!
I just looked at it!
Really!
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223. Darren had
the Cheese Touch!
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224. It was worse
than nuclear cooties.
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225. He became an outcast.
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226. The only way to get rid
of the Cheese Touch
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227. was by passing it on
to someone else.
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228. And so began
the Cheese Touch Frenzy.
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229. Friend turning on friend.
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230. Brother turning on sister.
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231. It was madness.
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232. Until a German
exchange student named
Dieter Muller took it away.
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233. Dieter has
the Cheese Touch!
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234. Ze Cheese Touch?
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235. Vat is it?
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236. Vat does it mean,
ze Cheese Touch?
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237. Sadly for Dieter,
that fact
was lost in translation.
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238. Nooooooooo...!
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239. Thankfully, he moved back
to Düsseldorf and took
the Cheese Touch with him.
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240. And so the cheese sits,
patiently waiting
for its next victim.
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241. Wow.
Wow.
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242. This is
a terrible place.
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243. No doors?
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244. None.
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245. I'm not pooping
until I'm in
high school.
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246. The cafeteria,
possibly the cruelest place
on Earth.
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247. But I was about
to make some kid's day
by sitting next to him.
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248. That seat's saved.
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249. For who?
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250. It's saved.
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251. That one's saved, too.
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252. So not happening.
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253. Uh-uh-uh.
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254. Taken.
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255. Where are we
supposed to eat?
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256. I guess this is where
all the cool guys hang out.
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257. Fregley must have bumped
his head when he was Iittle,
like, really hard.
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258. Okay, okay,
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259. so my first day
could have gone better,
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260. but at least
I wasn't humiliated.
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261. Hey, Greg!
You want to come over
and play?
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262. What did he just
say to you?
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263. Oh.
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264. I think my ride's here.
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265. Hey, guys.
So this guy
says to that guy,
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266. "You wanna
come over and play?"
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267. Yeah! Do you guys
wanna play with us?
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268. See? This is the problem.
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269. Right now I have to take abuse
from these morons.
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270. But in 20 years,
Quentin here
will be working for me.
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271. Greg, please don't fire me.
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272. I really need
my measly, pathetic job
scooping your dog's poop.
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273. Whatever.
I'll think about it.
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274. No, no, no.
Vanilla on the bottom
and chocolate on the top!
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275. I can't eat this!
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276. "Play," Rowley? "Play"?
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277. I've told you, like,
a billion times
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278. that guys our age say
"hang out," not "play."
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279. Oops.
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280. Seriously, if you're not
gonna listen to me,
just tell me,
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281. 'cause if you
pull another stunt
like that,
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282. we'll be stuck on
the cafeteria floor
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283. for the rest of
middle school.
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284. I found half
a Snickers bar
down there.
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285. I can't be the guy
who eats off his lap
in the cafeteria.
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286. I should be at the top
of the food chain by now.
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287. Something's got to
change, fast.
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288. My mom told me
to just be myself and
people would like me.
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289. That would be good advice
if you were somebody else.
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290. Hey, little brother.
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291. Was your first day as crappy
as I said it would be?
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292. No. Not at all.
You were wrong.
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293. It was actually
better than I...
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294. Worse.
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295. You didn't listen to me,
did you?
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296. I told you not to talk,
look or go anywhere,
and what happened?
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297. He had to eat his lunch
on the floor.
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298. Rowley.
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299. Perfect.
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300. And if nobody wants you
sitting at their table,
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301. you think they want
Chummy Buttons over here?
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302. I was right. You're not even
gonna make it
out of there alive.
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303. The only chance you have
of making the yearbook is
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304. when they dedicate it
to your memory.
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305. So you wanna play
Twisted Wizard?
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306. No. I have
a better idea.
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307. if he catches you in here,
he will kill you.
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308. Literally, kill you.
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309. Don't worry.
As long as we hear the music,
we're okay.
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310. Whoa. Yeah. Wow.
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311. I didn't know Rodrick
was into motorcycles.
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312. I found it.
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313. Found what?
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314. Rodrick's middle school
yearbook.
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315. This thing holds
all the answers.
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316. Rowley, this thing
is like a bible.
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317. See this? This is where
a person like me
needs to be.
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318. The class favorites.
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319. They're the best
in their class.
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320. These people
aren't nobodies.
They're famous.
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321. They don't have to worry
about getting a seat
in the cafeteria, either.
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322. Check this out.
There's tons of things
I qualify for.
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323. "Most Likely To Succeed,"
"Best Looking,"
"Class Clown."
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324. They should just
give that to me right now.
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325. Don't you have to be
funny for that?
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326. Hey! We could try
for cutest friends!
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327. What did I tell you
would happen if you ever
went in my room again?
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328. But your band
is still playing.
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329. It's the bass solo,
Turd Burglar!
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330. Don't you know anything
about music?
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331. Now, I came up here
to get a new drumstick,
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332. and now, Greg,
since Mom and Dad
are gone,
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333. I'm going to kill you.
Literally, kill you!
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334. I told you.
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335. Beat it.
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336. Okay, but I just want
to say one thing!
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337. Run, Greg, run!
What?
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338. Let go, Baby Hippo!
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339. You're gonna have to
come out sometime, loser!
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340. I'll wait here
as long as it takes.
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341. And then, you're dead.
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342. Time out, Rodrick.
I have to pee.
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343. No time outs.
Only death!
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344. But I really
have to go.
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345. Don't care.
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346. Move over!
I'm dying.
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347. Got you!
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348. Greg, did you throw
Manny off his...
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349. What is going on?
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350. Greg started it.
I just came in here
to take a shower.
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351. He's lying!
He was gonna kill me
'cause I was in his room!
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352. And so you peed on him?
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353. Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...
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354. Yes.
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355. Wow, there's a lot
to sign up for.
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356. You could be class favorite
in a bunch of things.
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357. Jazz dancing!
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358. We could do
that one together!
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359. I can't believe
all these activities.
They're all so much work.
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360. Staying after school,
meeting before school,
on weekends.
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361. What kind of
extracurricular activities
are these?
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362. Out of my way.
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363. Who let you into this school,
Greg Heffley?
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364. I was thinking
the same thing about you,
Patty Farrell.
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365. You listen to me,
Greg Heffley.
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366. I'm running for
student council president
and I'm warning you,
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367. if you get in my way,
I will beat you up,
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368. just like I did
in kindergarten
and fourth grade.
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369. Fourth grade?
That one was ugly.
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370. What's her problem?
What did I ever do to her?
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371. Patty, Patty is a fatty,
has a face just like a ratty!
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372. Come on,
that was pretty funny.
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373. She needs to get
a sense of humor.
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374. And I need something
to make me a class favorite.
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375. What about
class favorites?
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376. Don't you ever say
hi or hello
before you start talking?
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377. Hi.
Hello.
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378. Oh, Greg's only here
because he really wants
to be something...
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379. Rowley!
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380. I was just saying that
I would really like to
nail these people
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381. because it's
so obvious that
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382. they're only doing
these activities
to get in the yearbook.
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383. You know, I like
your point of view.
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384. You should sign up
for the school paper.
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385. We're the voice
of the people.
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386. Well, the people
are mostly idiots,
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387. so I guess,
technically speaking,
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388. we're the voice of the people
making fun of the people.
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389. Thanks, but I can't
be on the paper
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390. because I'm gonna be
in the paper a lot.
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391. So that would be
a conflict of interest.
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392. You're the people.
Got it.
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393. Do you believe me now?
That girl is crazy town.
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394. Look! They have wrestling!
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395. That's it! I'm great
at wrestling.
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396. I've watched it for years,
I know all the moves.
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397. Tombstone piledriver.
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398. Chair shot.
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399. Vader Bomb.
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400. Heffley! Heffley!
Heffley! Heffley!
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401. Heffley! Heffley! Heffley!
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402. Okay. Something
is very wrong here.
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403. These don't look like
wrestling costumes to me.
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404. Welcome to wrestling,
you future Olympians!
Copy !req
405. So, just to make sure
we all get off
on the right foot
Copy !req
406. and nobody gets
seriously injured,
Copy !req
407. we're gonna teach you
a few basic moves.
Copy !req
408. Remember, this is about
learning the sport
and having fun!
Copy !req
409. All right. It's not
a competition
Copy !req
410. because everyone here
is already
a superstar to me.
Copy !req
411. Coach Brewer,
can you step over here
for a moment,
Copy !req
412. please, give me a hand?
Thanks.
Copy !req
413. That's known as
a speed takedown.
Copy !req
414. Nice job,
Coach Brewer.
Copy !req
415. Can you get up and
come behind me?
Copy !req
416. Put one arm
over my shoulder?
Let's go, yeah.
Copy !req
417. You got it, walk it off,
come on.
Copy !req
418. That was known
as the arm drag.
Copy !req
419. Let's give Coach Brewer
a hand, everybody!
Copy !req
420. He's fine.
Copy !req
421. Yeah, Heffley.
Copy !req
422. What about piledrivers
and Vader bombs?
Copy !req
423. That is fake wrestling.
Copy !req
424. This is real wrestling!
Let's go!
Copy !req
425. if I have to wrestle
Benny Wells,
he'll kill me!
Copy !req
426. Let's move! Come on!
Copy !req
427. Okay, to keep things fair,
I've divided you into weight
categories by your size,
Copy !req
428. so Rottweilers over here.
Copy !req
429. Bulldogs, you stay
right there.
Copy !req
430. And we got two
Copy !req
431. Chihuahuas. Yeah.
Copy !req
432. Nice head gear.
Copy !req
433. Thanks. My mom
let me borrow it.
Copy !req
434. All right, let's see
what you got.
Copy !req
435. Don't worry, Fregley,
I'll take it easy on you.
Copy !req
436. Hey, I wasn't ready!
Copy !req
437. Nobody's keeping score,
but that was a sweet
speed takedown, Fregley!
Copy !req
438. This is fun,
Greg Heffley!
Copy !req
439. Get off me!
Copy !req
440. Fregley! Fregley! Fregley!
Copy !req
441. Blow the whistle,
blow the whistle!
Copy !req
442. All right! Fregley!
Copy !req
443. Outstanding!
Copy !req
444. And let's . . .
Let's hear it
for our other winner.
Copy !req
445. Yay, Greg!
Copy !req
446. I can't lose
to Fregley again.
Copy !req
447. if I get beat by
the weirdest kid
in school,
Copy !req
448. nobody's ever gonna let me
sit at their table.
Copy !req
449. How are you
going to beat him?
Copy !req
450. It's like he had
superhuman strength!
Copy !req
451. I'm not gonna beat him.
I'm gonna gain
10 pounds this week
Copy !req
452. so I can move up to
the Bulldog weight class.
Copy !req
453. And then you and I
can wrestle each other.
Copy !req
454. Ready?
Copy !req
455. Can I throw at you now?
Later.
Copy !req
456. You're better at riding
than I am,
and I'm a better thrower.
Copy !req
457. Greg, save some
for everybody else, honey.
Copy !req
458. Can't.
I need to bulk up.
Copy !req
459. Why?
Copy !req
460. I think your body
looks beautiful
just the way it is.
Copy !req
461. I heard he got his butt
kicked at wrestling.
Now what is wrong with you?
Copy !req
462. Why would you sign up
for something
you don't have to do?
Copy !req
463. You signed up for wrestling?
Copy !req
464. Kind of.
Copy !req
465. You never sign up
for anything at school.
Copy !req
466. You fly below the radar.
Copy !req
467. That way you never raise
anyone's expectations.
Copy !req
468. Thank you, Rodrick,
for those words
of motivational wisdom,
Copy !req
469. but perhaps
a better way
to look at it is that
Copy !req
470. it's a chance
to learn to excel
at something.
Copy !req
471. Well, what could
I learn at school that
I can't teach myself?
Copy !req
472. Well, Greg, I think
it's great that
Copy !req
473. you took the initiative
to learn something new.
Copy !req
474. This is like the first step
to responsibility!
Copy !req
475. My boss's son Will
was smaller than you,
Copy !req
476. but he built himself up
with the weights!
Copy !req
477. Yeah.
We could get you
the same equipment.
Copy !req
478. You could train,
get the right
nutrition, cardio.
Copy !req
479. You'd be in tip-top shape
just like Will.
Copy !req
480. And it would only take,
like, three months.
Copy !req
481. Three months?
Copy !req
482. Yeah.
Copy !req
483. I'll just stick to eating.
Copy !req
484. Well, I don't know where
you put it, Heffley,
Copy !req
485. but you gained 10 pounds
and joined
the Bulldog class.
Copy !req
486. Yes.
Copy !req
487. I thought
you didn't gain
any weight this week.
Copy !req
488. My mom's
ankle weights.
Copy !req
489. All right, bulldog Heffley.
Meet your new opponent.
Copy !req
490. What? But this is
boys' wrestling.
Copy !req
491. Ever hear
of Title lX?
Copy !req
492. Her parents
threatened to sue,
Copy !req
493. so you show her
what it's like to wrestle
a real live boy.
Copy !req
494. Come on! What you
waiting for, huh?
Copy !req
495. Don't be such
a wuss, Heffley.
Copy !req
496. Make your move!
Copy !req
497. She's a girl!
Where do I grab her?
Copy !req
498. Stay down!
Patty, over here!
Copy !req
499. Get off of me!
Copy !req
500. Can I wrestle
somebody good now?
Copy !req
501. Well, look who's
in the paper.
Copy !req
502. Greg! You're famous!
Right on the front page!
Copy !req
503. And if I would
have pinned her,
Copy !req
504. which I could have
done easily,
Copy !req
505. you know I would have
gotten in trouble
for hurting a girl.
Copy !req
506. Why does she even
want to wrestle?
Copy !req
507. Who knows?
Girls are very confusing.
Copy !req
508. Like today,
I heard someone
in the hallway say
Copy !req
509. that Bryce Anderson
has a cute butt.
What does that even mean?
Copy !req
510. A butt can't be cute.
It's a butt.
Copy !req
511. I know, but that's what
they were saying.
Copy !req
512. I don't see why
girls our age can't talk
just like regular people.
Copy !req
513. So how are you
gonna become
a class favorite now?
Copy !req
514. Two words.
Best Dressed.
Copy !req
515. How are you
going to do that?
Copy !req
516. Fashion is easy.
Copy !req
517. You wear a shirt and a tie,
and kids are impressed.
Copy !req
518. I'm telling you,
this is gonna work.
Copy !req
519. I light 'em up
before the motor starts
Copy !req
520. I go so fast
that I could never stop
Copy !req
521. Look under the hood
but you don't know what I got
Copy !req
522. I'm a moving violation, baby
Copy !req
523. Hot, hot, hot, hot
Copy !req
524. Ta-da!
Copy !req
525. I told you
I was wearing this.
Copy !req
526. I know!
Copy !req
527. I wanted to be matchers!
Copy !req
528. Check them out!
Copy !req
529. Greg and Rowley
sitting in a tree
Copy !req
530. K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Copy !req
531. First comes love...
Copy !req
532. You know,
maybe Rodrick was right
about Rowley.
Copy !req
533. Maybe I do need
a new best friend.
Copy !req
534. But I can't just ditch him.
Copy !req
535. I mean, if anybody
has a better idea,
I'd love to hear it.
Copy !req
536. In this school,
much like your own,
Copy !req
537. one boy is about to learn
an important lesson
Copy !req
538. about self-worth and esteem.
Copy !req
539. Gag me with a spoon.
Copy !req
540. That guy is so unpopular,
I'd hate to be him.
Copy !req
541. Why doesn't
anybody like me?
Copy !req
542. Maybe because
they don't know
how awesome you really are.
Copy !req
543. Brock Branigan P.I.!
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
544. I'm here to solve the case
of the boy who just
needed to be himself.
Copy !req
545. So go for it!
Show them how awesome
you really are!
Copy !req
546. Hey, guys.
Do you like break dancing?
Copy !req
547. That is totally rad!
Copy !req
548. Wicked.
You should sit with us
at Iunch, friend.
Copy !req
549. Sweet!
Copy !req
550. It really is awesome
to be me!
Thanks, Brock.
Copy !req
551. Okay. Let's talk about
what we've learned.
Copy !req
552. I don't know
about anyone else,
but I know what I learned.
Copy !req
553. It is awesome to be me.
Copy !req
554. The problem with Rowley is
that he's not enough like me.
Copy !req
555. I can't ditch him
'cause he'd be lost
without me.
Copy !req
556. But maybe I can fix him.
Copy !req
557. Because that's
the kind of friend I am.
Copy !req
558. What are you doing?
Copy !req
559. Making your clothes more
middle-school friendly.
Copy !req
560. Look at this stuff.
Too babyish and weird.
Copy !req
561. Too "Why don't you
just punch me now?"
Copy !req
562. What are you,
a foreign exchange student?
Copy !req
563. Oh, man.
This one we burn.
Copy !req
564. That was a present
from my mom.
Copy !req
565. Well, then your mom
is trying to
get you killed.
Copy !req
566. Ready?
Steady. Go.
Copy !req
567. No, no, no.
You look like one of
the Seven Dwarfs.
Copy !req
568. You only need one strap.
One strap is cool.
Copy !req
569. But there's two straps.
Copy !req
570. Why would they
put on two straps
Copy !req
571. if you're only
supposed to use one?
Copy !req
572. Because the guys
who make backpacks
aren't cool.
Copy !req
573. if they were cool,
they'd give it
one strap,
Copy !req
574. like the cool
one-strap guys do.
Copy !req
575. You know what has one strap?
Machine guns.
Copy !req
576. You know what else?
Electric guitars.
Copy !req
577. You know what else?
Copy !req
578. Purses?
Copy !req
579. But Joshie is cool.
Copy !req
580. Rowley,
Joshie is not cool.
Copy !req
581. He's a lip-synching pop star
whose fans are
eight-year-old girls.
Copy !req
582. You're just jealous
that I was the one
who discovered him.
Copy !req
583. Who are you
gonna listen to, Rowley?
Me or Joshie?
Copy !req
584. Joshie says to
respect your parents
and follow your dreams.
Copy !req
585. Then Joshie must get
beaten up a lot.
Copy !req
586. You actually almost
look as good as me.
Copy !req
587. Am I great at this
or what?
Copy !req
588. There's Bryce Anderson.
Just be cool.
Copy !req
589. Hey, Bryce.
Copy !req
590. Yeah, hey, Bryce!
Copy !req
591. Cute butt!
Copy !req
592. You're killing me,
you know that?
Copy !req
593. Look, Rowley,
tonight's Halloween,
Copy !req
594. our favorite night
of the year,
Copy !req
595. so, just promise me
you won't wear, do
or say anything weird.
Copy !req
596. You're kidding me, right?
Copy !req
597. My mom wanted me
to be visible at night.
Copy !req
598. From space?
Copy !req
599. So, we'll hit a few houses
on the way to the North Side,
Copy !req
600. which is where we'll do
most of
our trick-or-treating.
Copy !req
601. Why are we going
all the way over there?
Copy !req
602. It's where
the rich people live.
Copy !req
603. They hand out, like,
two, three pieces of
big candy to each kid.
Copy !req
604. Not that
candy corn crap.
Copy !req
605. I'm talking about
full-size Milky Ways
and Nutter Butters.
Copy !req
606. Plus, if we time it right,
Copy !req
607. rich people get tired
of answering their doors
and just leave the bowl out.
Copy !req
608. We can clean up.
Copy !req
609. Wow, you're lucky.
Copy !req
610. My mom doesn't let me play
with makeup anymore.
Copy !req
611. Shut up, tool.
Löded Diper's
got a gig tonight.
Copy !req
612. Mmm.
Copy !req
613. Going to
the North Side, huh?
Copy !req
614. Takes you right past
the Devil Worshiper Woods.
Copy !req
615. The Devil
Worshiper Woods?
Copy !req
616. You know about
that story, right?
Copy !req
617. Well, there used to be
this house right here
where these woods are.
Copy !req
618. They had to tear it down
because what happened there
was so terrible.
Copy !req
619. What happened there?
Copy !req
620. Well, a long time ago,
two kids who were,
I don't know,
Copy !req
621. maybe in middle school,
Copy !req
622. they trick-or-treated
at that house
on Halloween night.
Copy !req
623. But the house was full
of devil worshipers
Copy !req
624. who put the kids
in these giant pizza ovens.
Copy !req
625. And they cooked them
and they ate them.
Copy !req
626. But they forgot
to turn off the ovens.
Copy !req
627. So the house burned down
with everyone in it.
Copy !req
628. How'd the trees
get there?
Copy !req
629. And then they planted trees.
Copy !req
630. Oh.
Copy !req
631. And to this day,
on Halloween night,
Copy !req
632. you can still hear
the demonic laughter
of the devil worshiper ghosts
Copy !req
633. as they roam the woods,
looking for more kids
to sacrifice!
Copy !req
634. Hey, Rodrick.
I need you to
help me out. Like...
Copy !req
635. Are you wearing eyeliner?
Copy !req
636. Trick or treat.
Copy !req
637. Susan!
Copy !req
638. I'm on door duty!
Copy !req
639. Thank you.
Copy !req
640. Bubby!
Copy !req
641. Mom, can you tell him
to stop calling me that?
Copy !req
642. What if somebody hears?
Copy !req
643. Then they'll know
how much he loves you.
Copy !req
644. Frank, Frank,
honey, honey,
can you go with them?
Copy !req
645. No, I can't.
I got to
guard the house
Copy !req
646. in case someone
tries to T. P. us.
Copy !req
647. They're gonna get
drenched from the roof.
Copy !req
648. Honey, for goodness sakes,
don't do that again.
Copy !req
649. Remember what happened
last year?
Copy !req
650. I got you!
Copy !req
651. Hi.
Copy !req
652. I thought
they were teenagers.
Copy !req
653. And I couldn't see
through the bushes.
Copy !req
654. My legs, they hurt
from the squatting.
Copy !req
655. So, that's why
I'm doing it from
the roof this year.
Copy !req
656. So I can see
when they're coming.
Copy !req
657. Can we go now?
Copy !req
658. Yes, go.
Copy !req
659. But stay
in the neighborhood.
Copy !req
660. Trick or treat.
Copy !req
661. And no North Side!
Copy !req
662. We promise!
Copy !req
663. We got to stay
in this neighborhood
the rest of the night.
Copy !req
664. That guy gave me
two full-size Snickers!
Copy !req
665. Did I tell you
or did I tell you?
Copy !req
666. These people have
money to burn!
Copy !req
667. I can't believe
we got this much candy.
Copy !req
668. This is, like,
the best day ever.
Copy !req
669. Hey, reflector dude,
nice costume!
Copy !req
670. Thanks!
My mom made it...
Copy !req
671. Oh, that was awesome!
Copy !req
672. I saw your plates!
We're calling the cops!
Copy !req
673. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
674. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
675. Run!
Copy !req
676. Hey, they're going
through the yard!
Copy !req
677. Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!
Copy !req
678. Where are we going?
We're totally exposed!
Copy !req
679. My grandma's house!
Copy !req
680. Quickly!
Copy !req
681. They're coming!
Copy !req
682. Hello?
Copy !req
683. That's not helping!
She's not home!
Copy !req
684. Bingo night.
Okay,
you guys are dead.
Copy !req
685. Open the door!
Get the key!
Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
686. Open the door!
Get it!
Come on, let's get them, boys.
Copy !req
687. They're coming!
Copy !req
688. Now!
Oh, I got you now!
Copy !req
689. Hey, hey!
Copy !req
690. Come on, you babies!
Copy !req
691. I'm gonna
kick your butts!
Copy !req
692. Yeah? You and what army?
Copy !req
693. Whatever.
Copy !req
694. You guys are so lucky
you can hide in there
behind your mommy!
Copy !req
695. No, we aren't!
It's not our house!
Copy !req
696. It's his grandma's
and she's not even home!
Copy !req
697. What? Why would
you tell them that?
Copy !req
698. Did he just say that?
Copy !req
699. Oops.
Copy !req
700. Now they're
never gonna leave.
Copy !req
701. You need to
call your mom
to come get us.
Copy !req
702. Mine'll kill me
if she knows
we're here.
Copy !req
703. Mine will, too.
She thinks
you're a bad influence.
Copy !req
704. She's right.
Copy !req
705. Then we're gonna have
to bust out of here.
Copy !req
706. You have any threes?
Copy !req
707. Go fish.
Copy !req
708. Hey, what's that?
Copy !req
709. Danger, danger
Copy !req
710. High Voltage
Copy !req
711. Danger, danger
Copy !req
712. High Voltage
Copy !req
713. Just back off!
I don't want to
hurt anybody,
Copy !req
714. we just want to
walk away and forget
this ever happened.
Copy !req
715. Nobody needs to be
a hero! Whoa!
Copy !req
716. Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
717. I'm gonna rip off your arms
and punch you in the face
with your own fists!
Copy !req
718. They're gaining!
This way!
Copy !req
719. The Devil Worshiper Woods!
No way!
Copy !req
720. Hey! Stay right there!
We're gonna get you!
Copy !req
721. They're going
into the woods.
Copy !req
722. No, no way I go
into Devil Worshiper Woods.
Uh-uh.
Copy !req
723. This isn't over!
Copy !req
724. I'm really scared!
Copy !req
725. Just keep running!
Copy !req
726. Did you hear that?
It's the devil worshipers.
Copy !req
727. Guys?
Copy !req
728. Are we safe?
Yeah.
Copy !req
729. And we made it with
still a ton of candy.
Copy !req
730. Sorry. I was . . .
I thought
you were teenagers.
Copy !req
731. Maybe next year, Pops!
Copy !req
732. Hey!
Copy !req
733. So anyone else
exhibiting symptoms
of pink eye
Copy !req
734. should contact
the nurse immediately.
Copy !req
735. In field trip news,
consent forms
are going out today
Copy !req
736. for our annual
History of Plumbing excursion.
Copy !req
737. In sports news...
Copy !req
738. I think Shelly is looking hot today.
Copy !req
739. Yeah.
Copy !req
740. Are they
talking about me?
Copy !req
741. I don't know.
I don't speak Russian.
Copy !req
742. And finally, some positions
have opened up
for the Safety Patrol.
Copy !req
743. if anyone is interested,
see Mr. Winsky after homeroom.
Copy !req
744. Now that's what
I'm talking about.
Copy !req
745. Safety Patrol.
The cops of middle school.
Copy !req
746. You boss people around,
Copy !req
747. report the jerks,
and miss class
three times a week.
Copy !req
748. MR. Safety Patrol
is a sacred trust.
Copy !req
749. When you put on this vest
and that badge you become
a protector of the weak.
Copy !req
750. You become
an enforcer of the laws
of this school,
Copy !req
751. because today's litterer
and jaywalker
Copy !req
752. is tomorrow's
window breaker
and graffiti vandal,
Copy !req
753. and it's our job
to stop it.
Copy !req
754. So I ask you,
are you up for the job?
Copy !req
755. Yes!
Yes!
Copy !req
756. Then welcome
to Safety Patrol.
Copy !req
757. Just remember,
with great power...
Copy !req
758. Whoa.
Copy !req
759. . . . comes
great responsibility.
Copy !req
760. Now, you get
your first assignment
just after lunch,
Copy !req
761. so you'll be excused
from the first 20 minutes
of sixth period.
Copy !req
762. But that means
we'll miss Algebra...
Copy !req
763. Ouch!
Copy !req
764. Do we get
free stuff?
Copy !req
765. Free hot cocoa.
Copy !req
766. Could this day
get any better?
Copy !req
767. Whoa, is that cocoa?
Copy !req
768. Sorry, Safety
Patrol only.
Copy !req
769. Sorry.
Copy !req
770. You rejected
the school paper,
Copy !req
771. but you joined
the Safety Patrol?
Copy !req
772. Look, are you working
your way down
the evolutionary ladder?
Copy !req
773. What?
Copy !req
774. Look, Safety Patrol
is the lowest of the low,
Copy !req
775. the geekiest of the geeky,
the lsland of Misfit Toys.
Copy !req
776. You're just jealous
they don't trust you
to keep our school safe.
Copy !req
777. Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to
secure the perimeter.
Copy !req
778. I'm hungry.
Copy !req
779. Keep it
straight, people.
Copy !req
780. Single-file line,
one by one.
Copy !req
781. Greg! It's those guys
from Halloween!
Copy !req
782. What do we do?
Copy !req
783. Come on, man,
just pull my finger.
Copy !req
784. I swear to God,
I'm not gonna
do anything.
Copy !req
785. Everybody,
shoulder to shoulder.
Shoulder to shoulder.
Copy !req
786. Go. Go!
Whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
787. That was close.
Copy !req
788. Too close.
Copy !req
789. It's times like these
that make me realize
Copy !req
790. Rowley's pretty lucky
to have me as a friend.
Copy !req
791. And I got
Twisted Wizard Two,
and a new bike!
Copy !req
792. And we're going to take
a family trip to New York City
for New Year's Eve!
Copy !req
793. What did you get?
Copy !req
794. My dad got me
a weight-lifting set.
Copy !req
795. Do you know
how many video games
I could've gotten instead?
Copy !req
796. I had to get out of there
before he expected me
to, like, use it.
Copy !req
797. Anyway, let's play
some Twisted Wizard Two
at your house.
Copy !req
798. Probably not a good idea.
Copy !req
799. My dad's
still annoyed at you.
Copy !req
800. For what?
Copy !req
801. Remember that secret language
we made up last week?
Copy !req
802. Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa
like-pa a woman-pa.
Copy !req
803. I think
he cracked our code.
Copy !req
804. We should probably
do something outside.
Copy !req
805. Why can't you ride
and I throw
at you first?
Copy !req
806. My legs kind of hurt
from walking over here.
Copy !req
807. Okay, Rowley.
Come on. Get up.
Copy !req
808. Shake it off.
Copy !req
809. Are you sure
the doctor was right?
Copy !req
810. It really didn't look
that broken to me.
Copy !req
811. Yeah, it's broken.
The X-ray never lies.
Copy !req
812. Oh, my gosh.
What happened?
Copy !req
813. I broke it.
Copy !req
814. How?
Copy !req
815. Big Wheel accident.
Copy !req
816. You're funny.
Copy !req
817. Can I sign your cast?
Me, too.
Copy !req
818. I wanna sign it, too.
Copy !req
819. Why, sure.
Copy !req
820. Hey, I'm the one
who broke his hand.
Copy !req
821. Then you're a jerk.
Copy !req
822. Sorry.
Does it hurt?
Copy !req
823. Rowley, you're so funny.
Copy !req
824. After I stood...
Copy !req
825. I couldn't believe it!
Copy !req
826. Rowley was eating
at an actual table
because of something I did!
Copy !req
827. Where's my credit?
Copy !req
828. And he's right handed!
He can feed himself just fine.
Copy !req
829. So, how's that
class favorite thing
working out for you?
Copy !req
830. Great.
Copy !req
831. I realized
Rowley's injury thing
was a pretty good racket.
Copy !req
832. It's gonna be
so much fun.
Copy !req
833. Hey, guys.
Check it out.
Copy !req
834. Oh, my gosh,
what happened?
Copy !req
835. It's a raging infection
caused by a splinter
that was left untreated.
Copy !req
836. Want to be the first to sign
my sympathy sheet?
Copy !req
837. No.
Copy !req
838. I'll sign it, Greg Heffley,
if you'd let me
look at your infection.
Copy !req
839. And on the X-ray,
you could see where the bone
just snapped right in half.
Copy !req
840. I had the exact
same break last year,
and it got all purple!
Copy !req
841. Cool!
Mine, too!
Copy !req
842. Hey, Gregory,
want to sign the card?
Copy !req
843. You got
Rowley a card?
Copy !req
844. What? No, it's for
Bryan Little.
Copy !req
845. You know, the guy who writes
the Wacky Dawg cartoons
Copy !req
846. for the school paper?
Copy !req
847. He has mono
and he's going to be out
for three months.
Copy !req
848. That really stinks.
Copy !req
849. So, just out of curiosity,
who's gonna do the cartoon?
Copy !req
850. They're having tryouts,
but the important thing
is Bryan gets better.
Copy !req
851. Absolutely.
Copy !req
852. Bryan Little getting mono
was destiny.
Copy !req
853. I draw cartoons all the time.
I'm gonna win this.
Copy !req
854. I decided to go ahead
and forgive Rowley for milking
the broken hand so hard
Copy !req
855. and I told him
he could work on the cartoon
with me.
Copy !req
856. So, I was thinking
we could do
something like this!
Copy !req
857. Oops, I stepped
in a puddle!
Copy !req
858. At least it's not
an acid puddle.
Copy !req
859. Oy, oy, oy!
It is an acid puddle!
Copy !req
860. Zoo-wee Mama!
Copy !req
861. It's the same joke
every time.
Copy !req
862. Yeah! Zoo-wee Mama!
Copy !req
863. We can't just do
the same thing
over and over.
Copy !req
864. We can if it's
Zoo-wee Mama.
Copy !req
865. It has to be
a little more
sophisticated.
Copy !req
866. I wonder what is in
this cute Iittle box.
Copy !req
867. It's not a box,
Copy !req
868. it's a brick,
you dumb moron.
Copy !req
869. Oops! I've been
trying to open it all day!
Copy !req
870. Can he say,
"Zoo-wee Mama"?
Copy !req
871. No, it's not funny.
Copy !req
872. Well, I think it is.
I like Zoo-wee Mama.
Copy !req
873. You know what?
Copy !req
874. if you like it so much,
then why don't
you go do it yourself?
Copy !req
875. Okay. I will.
Copy !req
876. See you.
Copy !req
877. Hey, I forgot my raincoat,
so I'm gonna need you to
walk the kids home today.
Copy !req
878. I can't. I can't
get my cast wet.
Copy !req
879. You can borrow
my coat.
Copy !req
880. Where's Rowley?
Copy !req
881. He couldn't
get his cast wet!
Copy !req
882. He walks us better!
Copy !req
883. Oh, no.
Copy !req
884. Oh, my gosh!
Space monsters!
Copy !req
885. They're going to eat us,
unless we can
get into that hole!
Copy !req
886. Come on, people, move it!
Now, people!
We're gonna get eaten!
Copy !req
887. Come on! Don't worry!
I'm right behind you!
Copy !req
888. Whoa!
Go!
Copy !req
889. Hey!
Copy !req
890. Rowley Jefferson,
is that you?
Copy !req
891. Yes, Mrs. Lrvine!
Copy !req
892. Sorry, kids!
Copy !req
893. Are you going to
eat us?
Copy !req
894. And though doctors assure us
that Mrs. Cheznik
is no longer contagious,
Copy !req
895. the cafeteria nachos bar
will be closed
for the remainder of the week.
Copy !req
896. And now, what you've all
been waiting for.
Copy !req
897. The faculty, Student Council
and editors have all met
Copy !req
898. and selected
the new cartoonist
for the school paper.
Copy !req
899. And the winner is
Copy !req
900. "Zoo-wee Mama"
by Rowley Jefferson!
Copy !req
901. What?
Copy !req
902. That is funny!
Copy !req
903. Great job.
Copy !req
904. Zoo-wee Mama.
Copy !req
905. I couldn't believe it.
Copy !req
906. Am I the only one
who gets comedy?
Copy !req
907. Rowley, will you
put me
in your cartoon?
Copy !req
908. Sure.
Copy !req
909. And me, too.
I want to be the one
who says, "Zoo-wee Mama."
Copy !req
910. You got it!
Copy !req
911. Hey, Rowley,
congratulations.
Copy !req
912. Thanks.
No problem.
Copy !req
913. You know, I read
all the submissions and yours
was by far the best.
Copy !req
914. I read yours, too.
Copy !req
915. Hey, Rowley.
Copy !req
916. Hey, Bryce.
Copy !req
917. Yeah, hey, Bryce.
Copy !req
918. Hey, fella.
Copy !req
919. Wow. Everyone knows me now.
Copy !req
920. It's like I'm famous!
isn't this great?
Copy !req
921. Yeah.
Copy !req
922. Rowley Jefferson?
I need to see you
in my office, now.
Copy !req
923. MR. I just took a call
from a Mrs. Lrvine
Copy !req
924. about what happened
to the kindergarteners
last week.
Copy !req
925. She was very upset.
And so am I.
Copy !req
926. What?
Copy !req
927. You violated
the sacred trust.
Copy !req
928. This...
Copy !req
929. This badge is supposed
to mean something,
and you just spat on it.
Copy !req
930. I can barely even
look at you.
Copy !req
931. I really don't...
Copy !req
932. Just save it.
Copy !req
933. You are officially suspended
from Safety Patrol.
Copy !req
934. And I expect a full apology
to the kindergarteners.
Copy !req
935. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
936. Hey. What did
he have to say?
Copy !req
937. I'm kicked off.
Copy !req
938. I don't even know
what he's talking about.
Copy !req
939. Rowley?
Copy !req
940. What?
Copy !req
941. Nothing.
Copy !req
942. You've been home for an hour
and haven't badgered me
for any snacks.
Copy !req
943. Are you feeling okay?
Copy !req
944. Well, I'm kind of
in a tough situation.
Copy !req
945. I know something
Copy !req
946. and if I tell
the truth about it,
it could hurt somebody.
Copy !req
947. But if I don't,
it could hurt
somebody else.
Copy !req
948. Well, you have to
trust your gut and
try to do the right thing,
Copy !req
949. because it's our choices
that make us who we are.
Copy !req
950. Okay.
Copy !req
951. I was up all night,
tossing and turning,
Copy !req
952. thinking about
my mom's advice.
Copy !req
953. And I finally decided
to do the right thing.
Copy !req
954. I'm sorry
I terrorized you, children.
Copy !req
955. What?
Copy !req
956. I decided to let Rowley
take one for the team.
Copy !req
957. But I'm not entirely sure
that was the right call.
Copy !req
958. Hey, how's it going?
Copy !req
959. Well, I was pretty upset
about being suspended
from Safety Patrol,
Copy !req
960. but then I just started
drawing a bunch
of Zoo-wee Mamas
Copy !req
961. and I felt better.
Copy !req
962. Look. I put you
in this week's cartoon.
Copy !req
963. And you even get to say,
"Zoo-wee Mama."
Copy !req
964. Wow. That's really
Copy !req
965. nice.
Copy !req
966. So, listen.
Copy !req
967. It's kind of funny, you know,
the whole Safety Patrol thing.
Copy !req
968. Yeah?
Copy !req
969. Ready for the funny part?
Copy !req
970. Well, I'm the one
who terrorized those kids!
Copy !req
971. What?
Yeah,
Copy !req
972. and I think we can both
learn some valuable lessons
from this.
Copy !req
973. Like, I should be more careful
what I do in front of
Mrs. Lrvine's house.
Copy !req
974. And you, well,
Copy !req
975. you should be more careful
who you lend your coat to.
Copy !req
976. You know what, Greg?
You're not
a good friend.
Copy !req
977. Whoa. How could
you even say that?
Copy !req
978. I'm a great friend.
Copy !req
979. if you were a great friend,
you would have told
Mr. Winsky the truth.
Copy !req
980. Okay, one thing.
You can't get mad
about just...
Copy !req
981. You only care
about yourself.
Copy !req
982. You hated my cartoon.
Copy !req
983. You made fun of my clothes.
You disrespected Joshie.
Copy !req
984. You broke my hand
and you didn't even
seem sorry.
Copy !req
985. That broken hand
was the best thing
that ever happened to you!
Copy !req
986. Don't call me.
Copy !req
987. Don't come by my house.
We're done.
Copy !req
988. I thought the whole thing
would blow over.
Copy !req
989. But Rowley was still giving me
the silent treatment.
Copy !req
990. Even when I tried to
make the first move.
Copy !req
991. Yeah.
Copy !req
992. So, anyway, I was
so angry at him,
I didn't know what to say.
Copy !req
993. MR.
One of the kindergarteners
Copy !req
994. finally told their parents
the whole story.
Copy !req
995. Greg? You're relieved
of your Safety Patrol duties,
effective immediately.
Copy !req
996. Rowley,
Copy !req
997. for showing dignity
under false suspicion,
I am promoting you
Copy !req
998. to team captain.
Copy !req
999. Now, that's a position
that I held for two years.
I know you'll honor it.
Copy !req
1000. Okay
Copy !req
1001. You're supposed to
be my friend
Copy !req
1002. We're supposed to get along
Copy !req
1003. Hey, you're supposed to
be my friend
Copy !req
1004. Hey, Rowley, my mom says
it's okay for me
to sleep over tonight.
Copy !req
1005. Awesome!
Copy !req
1006. The whole thing
with Rowley is, I was willing
to let bygones be bygones.
Copy !req
1007. But then he made friends
with Collin
just to mess with me.
Copy !req
1008. As if I even care if he...
Copy !req
1009. Well, you know what?
Copy !req
1010. Two can play at that game.
Copy !req
1011. There's no
going back, Sergeant.
Copy !req
1012. I need to board
the helicopter.
Copy !req
1013. Do you have my back?
Copy !req
1014. I will always
have your back, Captain.
Copy !req
1015. Yeah, maybe I'll meet up
with some friends
Copy !req
1016. Yeah, maybe I'll meet up
with some dogs
Copy !req
1017. 'Cause you're supposed to be
Copy !req
1018. You're supposed to be
Copy !req
1019. Supposed to be my friend
Copy !req
1020. You're supposed to
be my friend now
Copy !req
1021. Hey.
Copy !req
1022. Hey, Greg Heffley.
Copy !req
1023. So, I was thinking
maybe you might
want to have a sleepover?
Copy !req
1024. Yeah. With who?
Copy !req
1025. Me.
Copy !req
1026. Yeah, when?
Copy !req
1027. Now.
Copy !req
1028. Greg Heffley,
I love you!
Copy !req
1029. We are going to be
best friends forever!
Copy !req
1030. Wanna have
a tickle fight?
Copy !req
1031. Okay.
Let's get inside.
Copy !req
1032. I can't believe it!
Copy !req
1033. Greg Heffley's in my room!
Greg Heffley's
in my room, Rebecca.
Copy !req
1034. What do you want to do,
Greg Heffley?
How about Twister?
Copy !req
1035. I'm not really
that much of a Twister guy.
Copy !req
1036. Candy!
Wait!
Copy !req
1037. No, no, no!
Fregley, come on! Really!
Copy !req
1038. I really think
we should save those
for later!
Copy !req
1039. Maybe we should
go outside and...
Copy !req
1040. My mom doesn't
let me have sugar.
Copy !req
1041. She says high glucose
in my diet
induces hyperactivity.
Copy !req
1042. But it's so good!
Copy !req
1043. Greg Heffley, you want
to jumpety-jump?
Copy !req
1044. Yeah, you know
what, Fregley?
I just remembered,
Copy !req
1045. I have an appointment,
a really important
appointment.
Copy !req
1046. It's a homework appointment.
Yeah, and I really
should be going.
Copy !req
1047. Get away from me!
Copy !req
1048. I can fly! Whoa.
Copy !req
1049. How fun,
Greg Heffley!
Copy !req
1050. Greg? Greg, Greg,
Greg, Greg, Greg?
Greg? Greg?
Copy !req
1051. I hear you breathing,
Greg Heffley.
Copy !req
1052. Dear Gregory
Copy !req
1053. I'm very sorry I chased you
with a booger on my finger.
Copy !req
1054. Here, I put it on this paper
so you can get me back.
Copy !req
1055. What?
Copy !req
1056. All right.
Copy !req
1057. Okay, enough.
I'll show Rowley
I don't need him.
Copy !req
1058. When he sees me
in the yearbook
as Most Talented,
Copy !req
1059. he's gonna come running back.
Copy !req
1060. Okay, since there are
so many of you
here auditioning,
Copy !req
1061. to save time,
we're gonna do a group sing
of one of my favorite songs.
Copy !req
1062. Please refer to the lyrics
on this handout.
Copy !req
1063. I will pick out
the best voices
and place you accordingly.
Copy !req
1064. Greg Heffley, what a lovely
soprano voice you have.
I'm stunned!
Copy !req
1065. Maybe you should be Dorothy!
Copy !req
1066. No, no, I can't be . . .
No!
Copy !req
1067. Greg Heffley was suspended
from the school
Safety Patrol!
Copy !req
1068. How can you trust him
with the lead role
in the play?
Copy !req
1069. He can't be Dorothy!
I'm Dorothy!
Copy !req
1070. All right, Patty,
calm down.
Copy !req
1071. I'm Dorothy! I am!
Copy !req
1072. My mother
is the president
of the P.T.A.
Copy !req
1073. She can ruin your life!
Copy !req
1074. Just an idea.
Copy !req
1075. All right, well, Greg,
your voice is too high for
any of the other male roles.
Copy !req
1076. Perhaps you can be a tree!
Copy !req
1077. A tree?
Copy !req
1078. No way.
Copy !req
1079. The trees
get to throw apples
at Patty Farrell.
Copy !req
1080. Haven't you
seen the movie?
Copy !req
1081. Wait, we don't
get arm holes?
Copy !req
1082. How are we gonna throw apples
at Dorothy without arm holes?
Copy !req
1083. You don't need arm holes
because nobody's
throwing any apples.
Copy !req
1084. We're not doing the movie.
In my version,
the trees sing.
Copy !req
1085. These, my dear.
Copy !req
1086. Down the winding yellow road
Copy !req
1087. Doth she know
to where it goes
Copy !req
1088. With her dog
so small and true
Copy !req
1089. We hope she fares well
Copy !req
1090. Yes, we do
Copy !req
1091. My tooth!
I think I knocked out
my tooth!
Copy !req
1092. Perhaps we should
cut out some arm holes.
Copy !req
1093. Is he okay?
You think?
Copy !req
1094. isn't this exciting?
Your son's in a play.
Copy !req
1095. Yeah, sure.
It's not wrestling,
but...
Copy !req
1096. But at least it's something.
Come on, Toto.
Copy !req
1097. Let us explore
this magical path!
Copy !req
1098. Bubby!
Copy !req
1099. Bubby! Bubby!
Copy !req
1100. Bubby.
Copy !req
1101. Hey, Bubby, I think
you dropped an apple.
Copy !req
1102. Huh?
Copy !req
1103. We three trees
from yonder glen
Copy !req
1104. Do spy a fair
and sweet maiden
Copy !req
1105. Whilst we're rooted
to our spots
Copy !req
1106. In silver slippers
she doth trot
Copy !req
1107. Down the winding yellow road
Copy !req
1108. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
1109. Doth she know
to where it goes
Copy !req
1110. You're dead.
Copy !req
1111. With her dog
so small and true
Copy !req
1112. We hope she fares well
Copy !req
1113. Yes, we do
Copy !req
1114. We three trees from...
Copy !req
1115. From yonder glen!
Copy !req
1116. Wish her joy
through journey's end!
Copy !req
1117. Sing!
Copy !req
1118. This bites!
Copy !req
1119. Come on,
Greg Heffley!
Copy !req
1120. Stop ruining the play
like you ruin
everything else!
Copy !req
1121. Don't make me
come over there
and beat you up again!
Copy !req
1122. Eat this!
Copy !req
1123. Wow.
Copy !req
1124. What'd you think?
I thought he was
the best one up there.
Copy !req
1125. Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Copy !req
1126. You know, I'm...
Copy !req
1127. I thought
Dorothy deserved it.
Copy !req
1128. Thanks, Dad.
Copy !req
1129. You got some
good shots in there.
Copy !req
1130. Look what I found
in the trash.
Copy !req
1131. Guess you threw it
away by accident.
Copy !req
1132. Give it back, Rodrick!
Copy !req
1133. No way!
You want it?
Copy !req
1134. Come and get it then!
Come on.
Copy !req
1135. Give it!
Come on!
Copy !req
1136. Use your muscular legs!
No, you can't have it.
Copy !req
1137. Okay, okay, boys!
Give it back!
Copy !req
1138. Hold on, don't you want it?
Okay!
Copy !req
1139. It's for you.
Copy !req
1140. It's an invitation
for the Mother and Son
Sweetheart Dance.
Copy !req
1141. I knew you didn't want
to miss that.
Copy !req
1142. It looks like a lot of fun.
Copy !req
1143. I think you should go.
I think
it'd be a lot of fun.
Copy !req
1144. Fun?
That's the exact opposite
of fun!
Copy !req
1145. This entire year
has been terrible
and nobody even cares!
Copy !req
1146. My family, my best friend.
Copy !req
1147. Well, I'm sick of it.
Somebody needs to pay.
Copy !req
1148. Okay, Manny, I'm putting
this Tootsie Roll
in Rodrick's backpack.
Copy !req
1149. It's for Rodrick,
so whatever you do,
don't touch the Tootsie Roll.
Copy !req
1150. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1151. Greg? Coaster.
Where's he...
Copy !req
1152. Manny?
Where did you get that?
Copy !req
1153. Oh, my.
That's offensive.
Copy !req
1154. Rodrick? Rodrick!
Copy !req
1155. I need to talk to you
inside! Now!
Copy !req
1156. Go ahead and talk.
We're a band
and we have no secrets.
Copy !req
1157. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1158. What is this?
Copy !req
1159. It's not mine.
Copy !req
1160. It was in your backpack.
Copy !req
1161. No, it was in my room.
Copy !req
1162. Does owning this magazine
make you a better person?
Copy !req
1163. No.
Copy !req
1164. Did it make you
more popular at school?
Copy !req
1165. Yes!
Copy !req
1166. No.
Copy !req
1167. How do you feel
about having owned
this type of magazine?
Copy !req
1168. Ashamed!
Nice.
Copy !req
1169. Hmm.
Copy !req
1170. Do you have anything
you wanna say to women
Copy !req
1171. for having owned
this offensive magazine?
Copy !req
1172. I'm sorry, women.
Copy !req
1173. Yeah, women.
Copy !req
1174. Yeah.
Copy !req
1175. You're grounded
for two weeks.
Copy !req
1176. Okay, settle down, Susan!
I think one week is plenty!
Copy !req
1177. Make it four weeks
and I'm gonna need
the keys to your van!
Copy !req
1178. My van?
Copy !req
1179. Yeah! Yeah.
Copy !req
1180. Yeah.
Copy !req
1181. Hello?
Copy !req
1182. Hello?
Copy !req
1183. All right, smile.
Copy !req
1184. Look at this place!
Wanna dance?
Copy !req
1185. Mom, stop dancing.
You're embarrassing me.
Copy !req
1186. Come on.
I'm just keeping time
to the music.
Copy !req
1187. I'm begging you,
please stop it.
Copy !req
1188. Okay, okay, okay.
Copy !req
1189. Thanks, honey.
Copy !req
1190. Hi!
Copy !req
1191. Well, if we're
not here to dance,
Copy !req
1192. maybe you should
go talk to Rowley.
Copy !req
1193. I think it's time
you two made up.
Copy !req
1194. I can't.
Copy !req
1195. Sweetheart,
he's your best friend.
Copy !req
1196. And sometimes,
when somebody's worth it,
Copy !req
1197. you just have to
put yourself out there.
Copy !req
1198. I wouldn't know
what to say.
Copy !req
1199. Well, I could go
for an ice cream
after the dance.
Copy !req
1200. Maybe you could
invite him to join us.
Copy !req
1201. Yeah.
Copy !req
1202. Hey, Rowley.
Copy !req
1203. Hey.
Copy !req
1204. So you want to go
get some ice cream after?
Copy !req
1205. I'm sorry.
We already have plans.
Copy !req
1206. Yeah. We do.
Copy !req
1207. Oh, fine.
My mom wanted me to ask.
So I did.
Copy !req
1208. I didn't even want to go.
Copy !req
1209. Well?
Copy !req
1210. Honey, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1211. Yeah!
Copy !req
1212. Well, now,
don't you tell me to smile
Copy !req
1213. You stick around
I'll make it worth your while
Copy !req
1214. Got numbers
beyond what you can dial
Copy !req
1215. Maybe it's because
I'm so versatile
Copy !req
1216. Style profile, I said
Copy !req
1217. It always brings me back
when I hear, Ooh, Child
Copy !req
1218. From the Hudson River
out to the Nile
Copy !req
1219. I run the marathon
till the very last mile
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1220. if you battle me
I will revile
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1221. People always say
my style is wild
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1222. You've got gall,
you've got guile
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1223. To step to me,
I'm a rapophile
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1224. if you want to battle,
you're in denial
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1225. Coming from Uranus
to check my style
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1226. Go ahead,
put my rhymes on trial
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1227. Cast you off into exile
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1228. You have
got to be kidding me.
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1229. Hey, what's up?
Hey.
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1230. Hey.
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1231. So, I left
my racing game
at your house
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1232. and Collin's
sleeping over tonight.
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1233. So I need it back.
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1234. What? No way.
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1235. Finders, keepers.
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1236. You didn't find it,
I left it.
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1237. Fine, then leavers, losers.
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1238. That's not even
a real thing.
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1239. It is if I say it is.
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1240. It's my game.
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1241. Do you know what?
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1242. You wouldn't even
have that game
if I hadn't told you about it.
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1243. You wouldn't have
half the stuff
you have without me.
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1244. Yeah, like
a broken hand!
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1245. That was
a million years ago.
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1246. It clicks now!
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1247. Hear that?
Click, click,
click, click.
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1248. And it's all
your fault!
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1249. It was an accident!
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1250. Kick his butt,
Rowley! It's easy.
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1251. Guys, Greg and Rowley
are gonna fight.
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1252. Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
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1253. Come on,
what's wrong with you guys?
Start punching!
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1254. You start.
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1255. You start it.
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1256. No, you!
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1257. Quit copying me!
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1258. This has got to be
the worst fight ever!
Do something!
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1259. Well, well, well.
Look who we have here.
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1260. You're so
freaking dead.
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1261. All you guys better scram
or I'm gonna
kick your butts, too!
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1262. Not you two.
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1263. You guys have no idea
what I'm gonna do to you.
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1264. Oh, um...
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1265. What are we gonna do?
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1266. I don't know.
We need to move this along.
Copy !req
1267. My shift at Cinnabon
starts in half an hour.
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1268. I know what we're gonna do.
Give me the wide one.
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1269. That's you,
let's go.
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1270. Pick it up.
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1271. But . . .
Pick it up.
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1272. Now eat it.
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1273. No!
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1274. Eat it or I'll shove
the entire thing
down your throat.
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1275. I don't even want to say
exactly what happened
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1276. because if Rowley ever tries
to run for President
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1277. and someone finds out
what these guys made him do,
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1278. he won't have a chance.
Copy !req
1279. Now you.
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1280. But I'm allergic
to dairy!
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1281. I'll die, and then
you'll go to jail! And...
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1282. Hey!
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1283. What are you doing
on school property?
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1284. Go, go, go!
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1285. Shotgun!
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1286. Pete Hosey,
is that you?
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1287. You boys okay?
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1288. Yeah? All right.
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1289. Out of my way!
Out of my way!
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1290. Oh, my God.
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1291. Rowley Jefferson ate...
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1292. I ate the cheese!
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1293. Yeah. I ate it.
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1294. And you know
what, people?
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1295. I just did
you all a huge favor.
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1296. I ate the cheese
to show you all how stupid
this whole school is.
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1297. The wrong friends.
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1298. The wrong lunch table.
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1299. The wrong butt?
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1300. It's all meaningless.
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1301. Just like this cheese.
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1302. I know it.
You all know it.
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1303. So come on.
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1304. Everyone else
who's sick of it,
step forward and join me!
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1305. Cheese Touch!
Greg Heffley
has the Cheese Touch!
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1306. Run!
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1307. He's got
the Cheese Touch!
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1308. Not bad, Heffley.
Not bad at all.
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1309. So you want to
come over
after school and
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1310. play?
Copy !req
1311. Yeah.
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1312. Okay.
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1313. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.
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1314. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.
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1315. Thanks!
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1316. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.
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1317. Thanks, Patty.
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1318. Here's your yearbook.
You're not in it that much.
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1319. Maybe try to get out there
a little next year.
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1320. You know what, Patty?
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1321. One day middle school will end
and become high school.
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1322. And after that,
it just becomes life.
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1323. And all those things
you think are important now
won't be anymore.
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1324. You wish.
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1325. As if!
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1326. Handing it to you
is like touching you
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1327. and I am way too smart
to touch somebody
who ate the cheese.
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1328. Rowley!
Have a great summer!
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1329. Stay cool.
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1330. Yep, you're way too smart
for me, Patty Farrell.
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1331. So the year
turned out pretty good.
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1332. My goal was to be
a class favorite,
and I made it.
Copy !req
1333. Even if it wasn't exactly
the way I planned it.
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1334. Zoo-wee Mama!
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1335. Hey! Oh!
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1336. I don't wanna
waste my time again
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1337. By getting wasted
with so-called friends
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1338. 'Cause they don't know me
Copy !req
1339. But they pretend to be
part of my social scenery
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1340. Hey, maybe I'm a critic,
a cynic
Copy !req
1341. Or am I jaded
or am I afraid of it?
Copy !req
1342. 'Cause It's dragging me down
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1343. It's bumming me out
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1344. It's making my head spin
round and round
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1345. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1346. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1347. That's right,
what do you want from me?
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1348. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1349. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1350. That's right,
what do you want from me?
Copy !req
1351. I get the feeling
we're on to something
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1352. I say jump
and you start jumping
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1353. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1354. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1355. That's right,
what do you want from me?
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1356. Just another day
in the life of me
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1357. It's 3:00 am,
and I can't sleep
Copy !req
1358. Maybe I'm a critic, a cynic
Copy !req
1359. Or am I crazy?
Do they all hate me?
Copy !req
1360. 'Cause they pick me up
and throw me down
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1361. It's making my head spin
round and round
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1362. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1363. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1364. That's right,
what do you want from me?
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1365. Can you say, "Hey?"
Copy !req
1366. Can you say, "Oh?"
Copy !req
1367. That's right,
what do you want from me?
Copy !req
1368. I get the feeling,
we're on to something
Copy !req
1369. I say jump
and you start jumping
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1370. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1371. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1372. That's right,
now what do you want from me?
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1373. Can you say, "Hey?"
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1374. Can you say, "Oh?"
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1375. That's right,
what do you want from me?
Copy !req
1376. Can you say, "Hey?"
Copy !req
1377. Can you say, "Oh?"
Copy !req
1378. That's right,
what do you want from me?
Copy !req
1379. I get the feeling,
we're on to something
Copy !req
1380. I say jump
and you start jumping
Copy !req
1381. Can you say, "Hey?"
Copy !req
1382. Can you say, "Oh?"
Copy !req
1383. That's right,
what do you want from me?
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1384. English - US - PSDH
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