1. Greg?Copy !req
2. Mmm.Copy !req
3. Greg?Copy !req
4. What?Copy !req
5. Greg!
Huh?Copy !req
6. What?Copy !req
7. What are you doing?
Get up!Copy !req
8. Mom and Dad
have been
calling you for an hour.Copy !req
9. You're about to be late
for your first day
of middle school.Copy !req
10. What?Copy !req
11. Oh, geez!
How did that happen?Copy !req
12. Go, go, go!
Mom's about to flip out!Copy !req
13. She sent me to get you
while she waits in the car!Copy !req
14. What are you doing?
What's going on?Copy !req
15. Getting ready for...Copy !req
16. . . .school.Copy !req
17. Are you insane?
School doesn't start
till next week.Copy !req
18. And, FYl,
school doesn't start
at 4:00 in the morning!Copy !req
19. You woke up Manny.
And if he doesn't
go back down...Copy !req
20. Good morning!Copy !req
21. There is no way
he is going back down.Copy !req
22. I just wanted to
sleep till 6:00.Copy !req
23. Bubby!Copy !req
24. Go to bed.
I got him.Copy !req
25. Greg, what are you doing up
making all this noise?Copy !req
26. It was Rodrick!
He woke me up!Copy !req
27. He changed my clock!Copy !req
28. But I swear,
he was just...Copy !req
29. Go to bed.Copy !req
30. What is that smell?
I can't
even identify it.Copy !req
31. Bubby!Copy !req
32. Happy Birthday!Copy !req
33. Here, Bubby.Copy !req
34. Wow! Look at the size
of that flamethrower!Copy !req
35. Okay, first of all,
let me get
something straight.Copy !req
36. This is a journal,
not a diary.Copy !req
37. Yeah, I know
what it says
on the cover.Copy !req
38. But when my mom went out
to buy this thing,Copy !req
39. I specifically told her
not to buy one
that said "diary" on it.Copy !req
40. This just proves
Mom doesn't understand
anything about kids my age.Copy !req
41. Huh?
Sissy!Copy !req
42. The only reason I agreed
to write in this thing
is becauseCopy !req
43. when I'm rich and famous
I'll have
better things to doCopy !req
44. than answer
people's stupid questions
all day long.Copy !req
45. Gregory, tell us
about your childhood!Copy !req
46. Were you always so smart
and handsome?Copy !req
47. Here's my journal.
Now, shoo, shoo.Copy !req
48. That's our boy up there.Copy !req
49. Why did I ever say
no to him?Copy !req
50. Mom got me this thingCopy !req
51. so I could write down
my feelings about
starting middle school.Copy !req
52. But I'm gonna be fine.Copy !req
53. It's my best friend,
Rowley Jefferson,
I'm worried about.Copy !req
54. He's definitely not
middle school ready.Copy !req
55. Geronimo!Copy !req
56. He's not quite clear
on the concept
of growing up.Copy !req
57. I want a puppy, a kitty,
a gumball machine...Copy !req
58. But anyway, this is
about me, not Rowley.Copy !req
59. I always figured
they'd make a movie
about my life.Copy !req
60. But I didn't think
they'd start
the story here.Copy !req
61. Because, seriously,
who wants to see a movie
about a kidCopy !req
62. who's stuck in middle school
with a bunch of morons?Copy !req
63. Three days, no shower.
Smell the love!Copy !req
64. Let me go, Rodrick!Copy !req
65. Come on.
We're just having
some fun, right?Copy !req
66. No, okay. So, look.Copy !req
67. Mom asked me
to give you some advice
about middle school.Copy !req
68. It's real simple.Copy !req
69. Don't talk to anyone.
Don't look at anyone.
Don't go anywhere.Copy !req
70. Don't sit down.
Don't raise your hand.
Don't go to the bathroom.Copy !req
71. Don't get noticed.
Don't choose
the wrong locker. Don't...Copy !req
72. Who am I kidding?Copy !req
73. You'll be dead
or homeschooled by
the end of the year, anyway.Copy !req
74. And don't be seen
with Rowley.Copy !req
75. Manny, stop it! Mom!Copy !req
76. Thanks for
the eggs, Mom.Copy !req
77. Frank?
Greg?Copy !req
78. I think it's gross
and undignifiedCopy !req
79. that I have to eat breakfast
next to him on the potty.Copy !req
80. Okay, well, it's your fault
he's still potty training.Copy !req
81. Don't look down, Manny.Copy !req
82. The potty monster
doesn't like it
when you look at him.Copy !req
83. I was just joking with him.Copy !req
84. Okay. Kiss him you're sorry
and then let's get a move on.Copy !req
85. Can't be late for
your first day of school.Copy !req
86. Let me just say
for the record that I think
middle school may beCopy !req
87. the dumbest idea
ever invented.Copy !req
88. You got kids like me
who haven't hit
their growth spurt yetCopy !req
89. mixed in with gorillas
who have to shave twice a day.Copy !req
90. There's juvenile delinquents
and weirdos.Copy !req
91. I'm smaller than about
95% of the kids
at my school...Copy !req
92. Give it back! Stop!Copy !req
93. so thank God
for Chirag Gupta.Copy !req
94. It's mine! Stop!Copy !req
95. Can I have
the backpack?Copy !req
96. You got to jump higher.
It's not yours!Copy !req
97. He's an excellent buffer
between me and these morons.Copy !req
98. Hey, Greg.Copy !req
99. Hey, fella!Copy !req
100. Seriously, I don't know
what happened to these kids
over the summer.Copy !req
101. Was there a nuclear accident?Copy !req
102. Science experiment
gone bad?Copy !req
103. Thank God there are a few
normal people or this place
would be a total freak show.Copy !req
104. if you're as discriminating
as I am,Copy !req
105. it can be tough to figure out
where to sit on your first day
of middle school.Copy !req
106. One bad moveCopy !req
107. and you're stuck
next to some idiot
for the rest of the year.Copy !req
108. Greg!Copy !req
109. Remember how I said
Rowley wasn't
middle school ready?Copy !req
110. Well, there you go.Copy !req
111. What are you wearing?Copy !req
112. My family just got back
from Guatemala!
It's my serape!Copy !req
113. Nice, huh?Copy !req
114. All right, class,
I'm Mrs. Flint.
Everybody take your seats!Copy !req
115. Welcome to your first day
of middle school.Copy !req
116. Remember your seats.
You'll be sitting here
every day.Copy !req
117. Rowley, if you
had to say where
you were rankedCopy !req
118. in terms of
popularity
from one to 200,Copy !req
119. where would you
put yourself?Copy !req
120. ls 200 good or bad?Copy !req
121. I'd say you're somewhere
around the 154 mark.Copy !req
122. I'd put myself
around number 19 or 20.Copy !req
123. I might even have a shot
at the top spot
by the end of the year,Copy !req
124. if things go the way
I think they will.Copy !req
125. Well, who's at the bottom?Copy !req
126. Hey, guys, wanna see
my secret freckle?Copy !req
127. Fregley.
Sent home for hygiene issues
at least once a month.Copy !req
128. Check it out.
It's got a hair in it!Copy !req
129. What color is that?Copy !req
130. You wanna help me name it?Copy !req
131. All right, ladies!
Gather around!Copy !req
132. Come on,
put the knitting down!
Let's go!Copy !req
133. All right, everybody.Copy !req
134. I'm Coach Malone
and I am your gym teacher.Copy !req
135. P. E. is as much
a part of my lifeCopy !req
136. as waking up in the morning
and going to the bathroom.Copy !req
137. I live and breathe
Physical Education.Copy !req
138. Now, who's with me?Copy !req
139. Are you ready to have
some fun out there?Copy !req
140. Yeah!Copy !req
141. All right, outstanding!Copy !req
142. So we're gonna
divide you up
into two teams.Copy !req
143. So you two, over here.
You, you, you, this way.Copy !req
144. Yeah, you three,
this side. Good.Copy !req
145. You guys are going to
be Shirts!Copy !req
146. And you will be Skins.Copy !req
147. Why are we Skins?
I hate this.Copy !req
148. He's just trying to make
kids like us feel bad.Copy !req
149. What do you mean,
kids like us?Copy !req
150. I just don't want
to get a sunburn,
right, Rowley?Copy !req
151. My name is Bell E. Button.Copy !req
152. What's yours?Copy !req
153. Okay, let's start off
with a little game
I like to call Gladiator.Copy !req
154. I got this one!
No!Copy !req
155. Take that!Copy !req
156. Cover me!Copy !req
157. Oh, God.Copy !req
158. Not good!Copy !req
159. We're never going
to be able to
outrun these guys!Copy !req
160. We don't have to
outrun them!Copy !req
161. We just have to
outrun Chirag!Copy !req
162. Take a look,
take a look,
take a lookCopy !req
163. At the kids on the streetCopy !req
164. No, they never miss a beatCopy !req
165. Never miss a beatCopy !req
166. Think they saw us?
No way.Copy !req
167. They were focused on
getting that kid
with the limp.Copy !req
168. We'll hide here
for the rest
of the classCopy !req
169. because I'm not
playing that game.Copy !req
170. It's not fair.Copy !req
171. He's got all
the Neanderthals
on the same team.Copy !req
172. It's barbaric!Copy !req
173. It's completely
barbaric.Copy !req
174. This place is an
intellectual wasteland.Copy !req
175. But, you know,
it's nice to
meet someoneCopy !req
176. more interested
in his mind
than in his body.Copy !req
177. You girls get to jump rope.
What are you doing hiding?Copy !req
178. Avoiding the pain.Copy !req
179. It all starts
in middle school,
you know?Copy !req
180. You're not a kid anymore.
The coddling has stopped.Copy !req
181. Kids are now separated
by intelligence.
The weak are picked on.Copy !req
182. And girls you've known
since kindergarten won't
even talk to you anymore.Copy !req
183. Okay, well,
sounds like you got it
all figured out,Copy !req
184. so go back
to your book.Copy !req
185. This place is
a glorified holding pen.Copy !req
186. All the way!
All the way!
You're like a machine!Copy !req
187. It's where
adults put youCopy !req
188. as you make that
awkward transition
between child and teenagerCopy !req
189. so they don't even
have to look at you.Copy !req
190. Hi. I'm Angie.Copy !req
191. Great story.
We're gonna go now.Copy !req
192. Why? This is
a good spot.Copy !req
193. It's a perfect spot.Copy !req
194. I survived all of
the sixth grade here.Copy !req
195. And I would enjoy
some like-minded companyCopy !req
196. to get me through
the seventh.Copy !req
197. Is that the whistle?
I think I hear the whistle.Copy !req
198. We need to go.Copy !req
199. No showboating,
all right?Copy !req
200. Why are we leaving?Copy !req
201. We could get killed
out here in the open!Copy !req
202. Put your shirt on.
They'll think
we're on their team.Copy !req
203. Besides, getting crushed
is better than being seen
with that freak job.Copy !req
204. Trust me, you can't
recover from
social suicide.Copy !req
205. I never talked to a girl
that long before.Copy !req
206. Whoa!Copy !req
207. Check that out.Copy !req
208. Is that cheese?Copy !req
209. Stop!Copy !req
210. Good God, man!
You almost got
the Cheese Touch.Copy !req
211. The what?Copy !req
212. The Cheese Touch.Copy !req
213. Nobody knows
when or how,Copy !req
214. but one day that cheese
mysteriously appeared
on the blacktop.Copy !req
215. Nobody knew
who it belonged to.Copy !req
216. Nobody touched it.
Nobody threw it away.Copy !req
217. And so there it sat,Copy !req
218. growing more foul
and powerful by the day.Copy !req
219. Then one day,
a kid named Darren WalshCopy !req
220. made the biggest mistake
of his life.Copy !req
221. Darren touched
the cheese!Copy !req
222. No, I didn't!
I just looked at it!
Really!Copy !req
223. Darren had
the Cheese Touch!Copy !req
224. It was worse
than nuclear cooties.Copy !req
225. He became an outcast.Copy !req
226. The only way to get rid
of the Cheese TouchCopy !req
227. was by passing it on
to someone else.Copy !req
228. And so began
the Cheese Touch Frenzy.Copy !req
229. Friend turning on friend.Copy !req
230. Brother turning on sister.Copy !req
231. It was madness.Copy !req
232. Until a German
exchange student named
Dieter Muller took it away.Copy !req
233. Dieter has
the Cheese Touch!Copy !req
234. Ze Cheese Touch?Copy !req
235. Vat is it?Copy !req
236. Vat does it mean,
ze Cheese Touch?Copy !req
237. Sadly for Dieter,
that fact
was lost in translation.Copy !req
238. Nooooooooo...!Copy !req
239. Thankfully, he moved back
to Düsseldorf and took
the Cheese Touch with him.Copy !req
240. And so the cheese sits,
patiently waiting
for its next victim.Copy !req
241. Wow.
Wow.Copy !req
242. This is
a terrible place.Copy !req
243. No doors?Copy !req
244. None.Copy !req
245. I'm not pooping
until I'm in
high school.Copy !req
246. The cafeteria,
possibly the cruelest place
on Earth.Copy !req
247. But I was about
to make some kid's day
by sitting next to him.Copy !req
248. That seat's saved.Copy !req
249. For who?Copy !req
250. It's saved.Copy !req
251. That one's saved, too.Copy !req
252. So not happening.Copy !req
253. Uh-uh-uh.Copy !req
254. Taken.Copy !req
255. Where are we
supposed to eat?Copy !req
256. I guess this is where
all the cool guys hang out.Copy !req
257. Fregley must have bumped
his head when he was Iittle,
like, really hard.Copy !req
258. Okay, okay,Copy !req
259. so my first day
could have gone better,Copy !req
260. but at least
I wasn't humiliated.Copy !req
261. Hey, Greg!
You want to come over
and play?Copy !req
262. What did he just
say to you?Copy !req
263. Oh.Copy !req
264. I think my ride's here.Copy !req
265. Hey, guys.
So this guy
says to that guy,Copy !req
266. "You wanna
come over and play?"Copy !req
267. Yeah! Do you guys
wanna play with us?Copy !req
268. See? This is the problem.Copy !req
269. Right now I have to take abuse
from these morons.Copy !req
270. But in 20 years,
Quentin here
will be working for me.Copy !req
271. Greg, please don't fire me.Copy !req
272. I really need
my measly, pathetic job
scooping your dog's poop.Copy !req
273. Whatever.
I'll think about it.Copy !req
274. No, no, no.
Vanilla on the bottom
and chocolate on the top!Copy !req
275. I can't eat this!Copy !req
276. "Play," Rowley? "Play"?Copy !req
277. I've told you, like,
a billion timesCopy !req
278. that guys our age say
"hang out," not "play."Copy !req
279. Oops.Copy !req
280. Seriously, if you're not
gonna listen to me,
just tell me,Copy !req
281. 'cause if you
pull another stunt
like that,Copy !req
282. we'll be stuck on
the cafeteria floorCopy !req
283. for the rest of
middle school.Copy !req
284. I found half
a Snickers bar
down there.Copy !req
285. I can't be the guy
who eats off his lap
in the cafeteria.Copy !req
286. I should be at the top
of the food chain by now.Copy !req
287. Something's got to
change, fast.Copy !req
288. My mom told me
to just be myself and
people would like me.Copy !req
289. That would be good advice
if you were somebody else.Copy !req
290. Hey, little brother.Copy !req
291. Was your first day as crappy
as I said it would be?Copy !req
292. No. Not at all.
You were wrong.Copy !req
293. It was actually
better than I...Copy !req
294. Worse.Copy !req
295. You didn't listen to me,
did you?Copy !req
296. I told you not to talk,
look or go anywhere,
and what happened?Copy !req
297. He had to eat his lunch
on the floor.Copy !req
298. Rowley.Copy !req
299. Perfect.Copy !req
300. And if nobody wants you
sitting at their table,Copy !req
301. you think they want
Chummy Buttons over here?Copy !req
302. I was right. You're not even
gonna make it
out of there alive.Copy !req
303. The only chance you have
of making the yearbook isCopy !req
304. when they dedicate it
to your memory.Copy !req
305. So you wanna play
Twisted Wizard?Copy !req
306. No. I have
a better idea.Copy !req
307. if he catches you in here,
he will kill you.Copy !req
308. Literally, kill you.Copy !req
309. Don't worry.
As long as we hear the music,
we're okay.Copy !req
310. Whoa. Yeah. Wow.Copy !req
311. I didn't know Rodrick
was into motorcycles.Copy !req
312. I found it.Copy !req
313. Found what?Copy !req
314. Rodrick's middle school
yearbook.Copy !req
315. This thing holds
all the answers.Copy !req
316. Rowley, this thing
is like a bible.Copy !req
317. See this? This is where
a person like me
needs to be.Copy !req
318. The class favorites.Copy !req
319. They're the best
in their class.Copy !req
320. These people
aren't nobodies.
They're famous.Copy !req
321. They don't have to worry
about getting a seat
in the cafeteria, either.Copy !req
322. Check this out.
There's tons of things
I qualify for.Copy !req
323. "Most Likely To Succeed,"
"Best Looking,"
"Class Clown."Copy !req
324. They should just
give that to me right now.Copy !req
325. Don't you have to be
funny for that?Copy !req
326. Hey! We could try
for cutest friends!Copy !req
327. What did I tell you
would happen if you ever
went in my room again?Copy !req
328. But your band
is still playing.Copy !req
329. It's the bass solo,
Turd Burglar!Copy !req
330. Don't you know anything
about music?Copy !req
331. Now, I came up here
to get a new drumstick,Copy !req
332. and now, Greg,
since Mom and Dad
are gone,Copy !req
333. I'm going to kill you.
Literally, kill you!Copy !req
334. I told you.Copy !req
335. Beat it.Copy !req
336. Okay, but I just want
to say one thing!Copy !req
337. Run, Greg, run!
What?Copy !req
338. Let go, Baby Hippo!Copy !req
339. You're gonna have to
come out sometime, loser!Copy !req
340. I'll wait here
as long as it takes.Copy !req
341. And then, you're dead.Copy !req
342. Time out, Rodrick.
I have to pee.Copy !req
343. No time outs.
Only death!Copy !req
344. But I really
have to go.Copy !req
345. Don't care.Copy !req
346. Move over!
I'm dying.Copy !req
347. Got you!Copy !req
348. Greg, did you throw
Manny off his...Copy !req
349. What is going on?Copy !req
350. Greg started it.
I just came in here
to take a shower.Copy !req
351. He's lying!
He was gonna kill me
'cause I was in his room!Copy !req
352. And so you peed on him?Copy !req
353. Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...Copy !req
354. Yes.Copy !req
355. Wow, there's a lot
to sign up for.Copy !req
356. You could be class favorite
in a bunch of things.Copy !req
357. Jazz dancing!Copy !req
358. We could do
that one together!Copy !req
359. I can't believe
all these activities.
They're all so much work.Copy !req
360. Staying after school,
meeting before school,
on weekends.Copy !req
361. What kind of
extracurricular activities
are these?Copy !req
362. Out of my way.Copy !req
363. Who let you into this school,
Greg Heffley?Copy !req
364. I was thinking
the same thing about you,
Patty Farrell.Copy !req
365. You listen to me,
Greg Heffley.Copy !req
366. I'm running for
student council president
and I'm warning you,Copy !req
367. if you get in my way,
I will beat you up,Copy !req
368. just like I did
in kindergarten
and fourth grade.Copy !req
369. Fourth grade?
That one was ugly.Copy !req
370. What's her problem?
What did I ever do to her?Copy !req
371. Patty, Patty is a fatty,
has a face just like a ratty!Copy !req
372. Come on,
that was pretty funny.Copy !req
373. She needs to get
a sense of humor.Copy !req
374. And I need something
to make me a class favorite.Copy !req
375. What about
class favorites?Copy !req
376. Don't you ever say
hi or hello
before you start talking?Copy !req
377. Hi.
Hello.Copy !req
378. Oh, Greg's only here
because he really wants
to be something...Copy !req
379. Rowley!Copy !req
380. I was just saying that
I would really like to
nail these peopleCopy !req
381. because it's
so obvious thatCopy !req
382. they're only doing
these activities
to get in the yearbook.Copy !req
383. You know, I like
your point of view.Copy !req
384. You should sign up
for the school paper.Copy !req
385. We're the voice
of the people.Copy !req
386. Well, the people
are mostly idiots,Copy !req
387. so I guess,
technically speaking,Copy !req
388. we're the voice of the people
making fun of the people.Copy !req
389. Thanks, but I can't
be on the paperCopy !req
390. because I'm gonna be
in the paper a lot.Copy !req
391. So that would be
a conflict of interest.Copy !req
392. You're the people.
Got it.Copy !req
393. Do you believe me now?
That girl is crazy town.Copy !req
394. Look! They have wrestling!Copy !req
395. That's it! I'm great
at wrestling.Copy !req
396. I've watched it for years,
I know all the moves.Copy !req
397. Tombstone piledriver.Copy !req
398. Chair shot.Copy !req
399. Vader Bomb.Copy !req
400. Heffley! Heffley!
Heffley! Heffley!Copy !req
401. Heffley! Heffley! Heffley!Copy !req
402. Okay. Something
is very wrong here.Copy !req
403. These don't look like
wrestling costumes to me.Copy !req
404. Welcome to wrestling,
you future Olympians!Copy !req
405. So, just to make sure
we all get off
on the right footCopy !req
406. and nobody gets
seriously injured,Copy !req
407. we're gonna teach you
a few basic moves.Copy !req
408. Remember, this is about
learning the sport
and having fun!Copy !req
409. All right. It's not
a competitionCopy !req
410. because everyone here
is already
a superstar to me.Copy !req
411. Coach Brewer,
can you step over here
for a moment,Copy !req
412. please, give me a hand?
Thanks.Copy !req
413. That's known as
a speed takedown.Copy !req
414. Nice job,
Coach Brewer.Copy !req
415. Can you get up and
come behind me?Copy !req
416. Put one arm
over my shoulder?
Let's go, yeah.Copy !req
417. You got it, walk it off,
come on.Copy !req
418. That was known
as the arm drag.Copy !req
419. Let's give Coach Brewer
a hand, everybody!Copy !req
420. He's fine.Copy !req
421. Yeah, Heffley.Copy !req
422. What about piledrivers
and Vader bombs?Copy !req
423. That is fake wrestling.Copy !req
424. This is real wrestling!
Let's go!Copy !req
425. if I have to wrestle
Benny Wells,
he'll kill me!Copy !req
426. Let's move! Come on!Copy !req
427. Okay, to keep things fair,
I've divided you into weight
categories by your size,Copy !req
428. so Rottweilers over here.Copy !req
429. Bulldogs, you stay
right there.Copy !req
430. And we got twoCopy !req
431. Chihuahuas. Yeah.Copy !req
432. Nice head gear.Copy !req
433. Thanks. My mom
let me borrow it.Copy !req
434. All right, let's see
what you got.Copy !req
435. Don't worry, Fregley,
I'll take it easy on you.Copy !req
436. Hey, I wasn't ready!Copy !req
437. Nobody's keeping score,
but that was a sweet
speed takedown, Fregley!Copy !req
438. This is fun,
Greg Heffley!Copy !req
439. Get off me!Copy !req
440. Fregley! Fregley! Fregley!Copy !req
441. Blow the whistle,
blow the whistle!Copy !req
442. All right! Fregley!Copy !req
443. Outstanding!Copy !req
444. And let's . . .
Let's hear it
for our other winner.Copy !req
445. Yay, Greg!Copy !req
446. I can't lose
to Fregley again.Copy !req
447. if I get beat by
the weirdest kid
in school,Copy !req
448. nobody's ever gonna let me
sit at their table.Copy !req
449. How are you
going to beat him?Copy !req
450. It's like he had
superhuman strength!Copy !req
451. I'm not gonna beat him.
I'm gonna gain
10 pounds this weekCopy !req
452. so I can move up to
the Bulldog weight class.Copy !req
453. And then you and I
can wrestle each other.Copy !req
454. Ready?Copy !req
455. Can I throw at you now?
Later.Copy !req
456. You're better at riding
than I am,
and I'm a better thrower.Copy !req
457. Greg, save some
for everybody else, honey.Copy !req
458. Can't.
I need to bulk up.Copy !req
459. Why?Copy !req
460. I think your body
looks beautiful
just the way it is.Copy !req
461. I heard he got his butt
kicked at wrestling.
Now what is wrong with you?Copy !req
462. Why would you sign up
for something
you don't have to do?Copy !req
463. You signed up for wrestling?Copy !req
464. Kind of.Copy !req
465. You never sign up
for anything at school.Copy !req
466. You fly below the radar.Copy !req
467. That way you never raise
anyone's expectations.Copy !req
468. Thank you, Rodrick,
for those words
of motivational wisdom,Copy !req
469. but perhaps
a better way
to look at it is thatCopy !req
470. it's a chance
to learn to excel
at something.Copy !req
471. Well, what could
I learn at school that
I can't teach myself?Copy !req
472. Well, Greg, I think
it's great thatCopy !req
473. you took the initiative
to learn something new.Copy !req
474. This is like the first step
to responsibility!Copy !req
475. My boss's son Will
was smaller than you,Copy !req
476. but he built himself up
with the weights!Copy !req
477. Yeah.
We could get you
the same equipment.Copy !req
478. You could train,
get the right
nutrition, cardio.Copy !req
479. You'd be in tip-top shape
just like Will.Copy !req
480. And it would only take,
like, three months.Copy !req
481. Three months?Copy !req
482. Yeah.Copy !req
483. I'll just stick to eating.Copy !req
484. Well, I don't know where
you put it, Heffley,Copy !req
485. but you gained 10 pounds
and joined
the Bulldog class.Copy !req
486. Yes.Copy !req
487. I thought
you didn't gain
any weight this week.Copy !req
488. My mom's
ankle weights.Copy !req
489. All right, bulldog Heffley.
Meet your new opponent.Copy !req
490. What? But this is
boys' wrestling.Copy !req
491. Ever hear
of Title lX?Copy !req
492. Her parents
threatened to sue,Copy !req
493. so you show her
what it's like to wrestle
a real live boy.Copy !req
494. Come on! What you
waiting for, huh?Copy !req
495. Don't be such
a wuss, Heffley.Copy !req
496. Make your move!Copy !req
497. She's a girl!
Where do I grab her?Copy !req
498. Stay down!
Patty, over here!Copy !req
499. Get off of me!Copy !req
500. Can I wrestle
somebody good now?Copy !req
501. Well, look who's
in the paper.Copy !req
502. Greg! You're famous!
Right on the front page!Copy !req
503. And if I would
have pinned her,Copy !req
504. which I could have
done easily,Copy !req
505. you know I would have
gotten in trouble
for hurting a girl.Copy !req
506. Why does she even
want to wrestle?Copy !req
507. Who knows?
Girls are very confusing.Copy !req
508. Like today,
I heard someone
in the hallway sayCopy !req
509. that Bryce Anderson
has a cute butt.
What does that even mean?Copy !req
510. A butt can't be cute.
It's a butt.Copy !req
511. I know, but that's what
they were saying.Copy !req
512. I don't see why
girls our age can't talk
just like regular people.Copy !req
513. So how are you
gonna become
a class favorite now?Copy !req
514. Two words.
Best Dressed.Copy !req
515. How are you
going to do that?Copy !req
516. Fashion is easy.Copy !req
517. You wear a shirt and a tie,
and kids are impressed.Copy !req
518. I'm telling you,
this is gonna work.Copy !req
519. I light 'em up
before the motor startsCopy !req
520. I go so fast
that I could never stopCopy !req
521. Look under the hood
but you don't know what I gotCopy !req
522. I'm a moving violation, babyCopy !req
523. Hot, hot, hot, hotCopy !req
524. Ta-da!Copy !req
525. I told you
I was wearing this.Copy !req
526. I know!Copy !req
527. I wanted to be matchers!Copy !req
528. Check them out!Copy !req
529. Greg and Rowley
sitting in a treeCopy !req
530. K-I-S-S-I-N-GCopy !req
531. First comes love...Copy !req
532. You know,
maybe Rodrick was right
about Rowley.Copy !req
533. Maybe I do need
a new best friend.Copy !req
534. But I can't just ditch him.Copy !req
535. I mean, if anybody
has a better idea,
I'd love to hear it.Copy !req
536. In this school,
much like your own,Copy !req
537. one boy is about to learn
an important lessonCopy !req
538. about self-worth and esteem.Copy !req
539. Gag me with a spoon.Copy !req
540. That guy is so unpopular,
I'd hate to be him.Copy !req
541. Why doesn't
anybody like me?Copy !req
542. Maybe because
they don't know
how awesome you really are.Copy !req
543. Brock Branigan P.I.!
What are you doing here?Copy !req
544. I'm here to solve the case
of the boy who just
needed to be himself.Copy !req
545. So go for it!
Show them how awesome
you really are!Copy !req
546. Hey, guys.
Do you like break dancing?Copy !req
547. That is totally rad!Copy !req
548. Wicked.
You should sit with us
at Iunch, friend.Copy !req
549. Sweet!Copy !req
550. It really is awesome
to be me!
Thanks, Brock.Copy !req
551. Okay. Let's talk about
what we've learned.Copy !req
552. I don't know
about anyone else,
but I know what I learned.Copy !req
553. It is awesome to be me.Copy !req
554. The problem with Rowley is
that he's not enough like me.Copy !req
555. I can't ditch him
'cause he'd be lost
without me.Copy !req
556. But maybe I can fix him.Copy !req
557. Because that's
the kind of friend I am.Copy !req
558. What are you doing?Copy !req
559. Making your clothes more
middle-school friendly.Copy !req
560. Look at this stuff.
Too babyish and weird.Copy !req
561. Too "Why don't you
just punch me now?"Copy !req
562. What are you,
a foreign exchange student?Copy !req
563. Oh, man.
This one we burn.Copy !req
564. That was a present
from my mom.Copy !req
565. Well, then your mom
is trying to
get you killed.Copy !req
566. Ready?
Steady. Go.Copy !req
567. No, no, no.
You look like one of
the Seven Dwarfs.Copy !req
568. You only need one strap.
One strap is cool.Copy !req
569. But there's two straps.Copy !req
570. Why would they
put on two strapsCopy !req
571. if you're only
supposed to use one?Copy !req
572. Because the guys
who make backpacks
aren't cool.Copy !req
573. if they were cool,
they'd give it
one strap,Copy !req
574. like the cool
one-strap guys do.Copy !req
575. You know what has one strap?
Machine guns.Copy !req
576. You know what else?
Electric guitars.Copy !req
577. You know what else?Copy !req
578. Purses?Copy !req
579. But Joshie is cool.Copy !req
580. Rowley,
Joshie is not cool.Copy !req
581. He's a lip-synching pop star
whose fans are
eight-year-old girls.Copy !req
582. You're just jealous
that I was the one
who discovered him.Copy !req
583. Who are you
gonna listen to, Rowley?
Me or Joshie?Copy !req
584. Joshie says to
respect your parents
and follow your dreams.Copy !req
585. Then Joshie must get
beaten up a lot.Copy !req
586. You actually almost
look as good as me.Copy !req
587. Am I great at this
or what?Copy !req
588. There's Bryce Anderson.
Just be cool.Copy !req
589. Hey, Bryce.Copy !req
590. Yeah, hey, Bryce!Copy !req
591. Cute butt!Copy !req
592. You're killing me,
you know that?Copy !req
593. Look, Rowley,
tonight's Halloween,Copy !req
594. our favorite night
of the year,Copy !req
595. so, just promise me
you won't wear, do
or say anything weird.Copy !req
596. You're kidding me, right?Copy !req
597. My mom wanted me
to be visible at night.Copy !req
598. From space?Copy !req
599. So, we'll hit a few houses
on the way to the North Side,Copy !req
600. which is where we'll do
most of
our trick-or-treating.Copy !req
601. Why are we going
all the way over there?Copy !req
602. It's where
the rich people live.Copy !req
603. They hand out, like,
two, three pieces of
big candy to each kid.Copy !req
604. Not that
candy corn crap.Copy !req
605. I'm talking about
full-size Milky Ways
and Nutter Butters.Copy !req
606. Plus, if we time it right,Copy !req
607. rich people get tired
of answering their doors
and just leave the bowl out.Copy !req
608. We can clean up.Copy !req
609. Wow, you're lucky.Copy !req
610. My mom doesn't let me play
with makeup anymore.Copy !req
611. Shut up, tool.
Löded Diper's
got a gig tonight.Copy !req
612. Mmm.Copy !req
613. Going to
the North Side, huh?Copy !req
614. Takes you right past
the Devil Worshiper Woods.Copy !req
615. The Devil
Worshiper Woods?Copy !req
616. You know about
that story, right?Copy !req
617. Well, there used to be
this house right here
where these woods are.Copy !req
618. They had to tear it down
because what happened there
was so terrible.Copy !req
619. What happened there?Copy !req
620. Well, a long time ago,
two kids who were,
I don't know,Copy !req
621. maybe in middle school,Copy !req
622. they trick-or-treated
at that house
on Halloween night.Copy !req
623. But the house was full
of devil worshipersCopy !req
624. who put the kids
in these giant pizza ovens.Copy !req
625. And they cooked them
and they ate them.Copy !req
626. But they forgot
to turn off the ovens.Copy !req
627. So the house burned down
with everyone in it.Copy !req
628. How'd the trees
get there?Copy !req
629. And then they planted trees.Copy !req
630. Oh.Copy !req
631. And to this day,
on Halloween night,Copy !req
632. you can still hear
the demonic laughter
of the devil worshiper ghostsCopy !req
633. as they roam the woods,
looking for more kids
to sacrifice!Copy !req
634. Hey, Rodrick.
I need you to
help me out. Like...Copy !req
635. Are you wearing eyeliner?Copy !req
636. Trick or treat.Copy !req
637. Susan!Copy !req
638. I'm on door duty!Copy !req
639. Thank you.Copy !req
640. Bubby!Copy !req
641. Mom, can you tell him
to stop calling me that?Copy !req
642. What if somebody hears?Copy !req
643. Then they'll know
how much he loves you.Copy !req
644. Frank, Frank,
honey, honey,
can you go with them?Copy !req
645. No, I can't.
I got to
guard the houseCopy !req
646. in case someone
tries to T. P. us.Copy !req
647. They're gonna get
drenched from the roof.Copy !req
648. Honey, for goodness sakes,
don't do that again.Copy !req
649. Remember what happened
last year?Copy !req
650. I got you!Copy !req
651. Hi.Copy !req
652. I thought
they were teenagers.Copy !req
653. And I couldn't see
through the bushes.Copy !req
654. My legs, they hurt
from the squatting.Copy !req
655. So, that's why
I'm doing it from
the roof this year.Copy !req
656. So I can see
when they're coming.Copy !req
657. Can we go now?Copy !req
658. Yes, go.Copy !req
659. But stay
in the neighborhood.Copy !req
660. Trick or treat.Copy !req
661. And no North Side!Copy !req
662. We promise!Copy !req
663. We got to stay
in this neighborhood
the rest of the night.Copy !req
664. That guy gave me
two full-size Snickers!Copy !req
665. Did I tell you
or did I tell you?Copy !req
666. These people have
money to burn!Copy !req
667. I can't believe
we got this much candy.Copy !req
668. This is, like,
the best day ever.Copy !req
669. Hey, reflector dude,
nice costume!Copy !req
670. Thanks!
My mom made it...Copy !req
671. Oh, that was awesome!Copy !req
672. I saw your plates!
We're calling the cops!Copy !req
673. Uh-oh.Copy !req
674. Oh, boy.Copy !req
675. Run!Copy !req
676. Hey, they're going
through the yard!Copy !req
677. Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!Copy !req
678. Where are we going?
We're totally exposed!Copy !req
679. My grandma's house!Copy !req
680. Quickly!Copy !req
681. They're coming!Copy !req
682. Hello?Copy !req
683. That's not helping!
She's not home!Copy !req
684. Bingo night.
Okay,
you guys are dead.Copy !req
685. Open the door!
Get the key!
Okay. Okay.Copy !req
686. Open the door!
Get it!
Come on, let's get them, boys.Copy !req
687. They're coming!Copy !req
688. Now!
Oh, I got you now!Copy !req
689. Hey, hey!Copy !req
690. Come on, you babies!Copy !req
691. I'm gonna
kick your butts!Copy !req
692. Yeah? You and what army?Copy !req
693. Whatever.Copy !req
694. You guys are so lucky
you can hide in there
behind your mommy!Copy !req
695. No, we aren't!
It's not our house!Copy !req
696. It's his grandma's
and she's not even home!Copy !req
697. What? Why would
you tell them that?Copy !req
698. Did he just say that?Copy !req
699. Oops.Copy !req
700. Now they're
never gonna leave.Copy !req
701. You need to
call your mom
to come get us.Copy !req
702. Mine'll kill me
if she knows
we're here.Copy !req
703. Mine will, too.
She thinks
you're a bad influence.Copy !req
704. She's right.Copy !req
705. Then we're gonna have
to bust out of here.Copy !req
706. You have any threes?Copy !req
707. Go fish.Copy !req
708. Hey, what's that?Copy !req
709. Danger, dangerCopy !req
710. High VoltageCopy !req
711. Danger, dangerCopy !req
712. High VoltageCopy !req
713. Just back off!
I don't want to
hurt anybody,Copy !req
714. we just want to
walk away and forget
this ever happened.Copy !req
715. Nobody needs to be
a hero! Whoa!Copy !req
716. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
717. I'm gonna rip off your arms
and punch you in the face
with your own fists!Copy !req
718. They're gaining!
This way!Copy !req
719. The Devil Worshiper Woods!
No way!Copy !req
720. Hey! Stay right there!
We're gonna get you!Copy !req
721. They're going
into the woods.Copy !req
722. No, no way I go
into Devil Worshiper Woods.
Uh-uh.Copy !req
723. This isn't over!Copy !req
724. I'm really scared!Copy !req
725. Just keep running!Copy !req
726. Did you hear that?
It's the devil worshipers.Copy !req
727. Guys?Copy !req
728. Are we safe?
Yeah.Copy !req
729. And we made it with
still a ton of candy.Copy !req
730. Sorry. I was . . .
I thought
you were teenagers.Copy !req
731. Maybe next year, Pops!Copy !req
732. Hey!Copy !req
733. So anyone else
exhibiting symptoms
of pink eyeCopy !req
734. should contact
the nurse immediately.Copy !req
735. In field trip news,
consent forms
are going out todayCopy !req
736. for our annual
History of Plumbing excursion.Copy !req
737. In sports news...Copy !req
738. I think Shelly is looking hot today.Copy !req
739. Yeah.Copy !req
740. Are they
talking about me?Copy !req
741. I don't know.
I don't speak Russian.Copy !req
742. And finally, some positions
have opened up
for the Safety Patrol.Copy !req
743. if anyone is interested,
see Mr. Winsky after homeroom.Copy !req
744. Now that's what
I'm talking about.Copy !req
745. Safety Patrol.
The cops of middle school.Copy !req
746. You boss people around,Copy !req
747. report the jerks,
and miss class
three times a week.Copy !req
748. MR. Safety Patrol
is a sacred trust.Copy !req
749. When you put on this vest
and that badge you become
a protector of the weak.Copy !req
750. You become
an enforcer of the laws
of this school,Copy !req
751. because today's litterer
and jaywalkerCopy !req
752. is tomorrow's
window breaker
and graffiti vandal,Copy !req
753. and it's our job
to stop it.Copy !req
754. So I ask you,
are you up for the job?Copy !req
755. Yes!
Yes!Copy !req
756. Then welcome
to Safety Patrol.Copy !req
757. Just remember,
with great power...Copy !req
758. Whoa.Copy !req
759. . . . comes
great responsibility.Copy !req
760. Now, you get
your first assignment
just after lunch,Copy !req
761. so you'll be excused
from the first 20 minutes
of sixth period.Copy !req
762. But that means
we'll miss Algebra...Copy !req
763. Ouch!Copy !req
764. Do we get
free stuff?Copy !req
765. Free hot cocoa.Copy !req
766. Could this day
get any better?Copy !req
767. Whoa, is that cocoa?Copy !req
768. Sorry, Safety
Patrol only.Copy !req
769. Sorry.Copy !req
770. You rejected
the school paper,Copy !req
771. but you joined
the Safety Patrol?Copy !req
772. Look, are you working
your way down
the evolutionary ladder?Copy !req
773. What?Copy !req
774. Look, Safety Patrol
is the lowest of the low,Copy !req
775. the geekiest of the geeky,
the lsland of Misfit Toys.Copy !req
776. You're just jealous
they don't trust you
to keep our school safe.Copy !req
777. Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to
secure the perimeter.Copy !req
778. I'm hungry.Copy !req
779. Keep it
straight, people.Copy !req
780. Single-file line,
one by one.Copy !req
781. Greg! It's those guys
from Halloween!Copy !req
782. What do we do?Copy !req
783. Come on, man,
just pull my finger.Copy !req
784. I swear to God,
I'm not gonna
do anything.Copy !req
785. Everybody,
shoulder to shoulder.
Shoulder to shoulder.Copy !req
786. Go. Go!
Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
787. That was close.Copy !req
788. Too close.Copy !req
789. It's times like these
that make me realizeCopy !req
790. Rowley's pretty lucky
to have me as a friend.Copy !req
791. And I got
Twisted Wizard Two,
and a new bike!Copy !req
792. And we're going to take
a family trip to New York City
for New Year's Eve!Copy !req
793. What did you get?Copy !req
794. My dad got me
a weight-lifting set.Copy !req
795. Do you know
how many video games
I could've gotten instead?Copy !req
796. I had to get out of there
before he expected me
to, like, use it.Copy !req
797. Anyway, let's play
some Twisted Wizard Two
at your house.Copy !req
798. Probably not a good idea.Copy !req
799. My dad's
still annoyed at you.Copy !req
800. For what?Copy !req
801. Remember that secret language
we made up last week?Copy !req
802. Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa
like-pa a woman-pa.Copy !req
803. I think
he cracked our code.Copy !req
804. We should probably
do something outside.Copy !req
805. Why can't you ride
and I throw
at you first?Copy !req
806. My legs kind of hurt
from walking over here.Copy !req
807. Okay, Rowley.
Come on. Get up.Copy !req
808. Shake it off.Copy !req
809. Are you sure
the doctor was right?Copy !req
810. It really didn't look
that broken to me.Copy !req
811. Yeah, it's broken.
The X-ray never lies.Copy !req
812. Oh, my gosh.
What happened?Copy !req
813. I broke it.Copy !req
814. How?Copy !req
815. Big Wheel accident.Copy !req
816. You're funny.Copy !req
817. Can I sign your cast?
Me, too.Copy !req
818. I wanna sign it, too.Copy !req
819. Why, sure.Copy !req
820. Hey, I'm the one
who broke his hand.Copy !req
821. Then you're a jerk.Copy !req
822. Sorry.
Does it hurt?Copy !req
823. Rowley, you're so funny.Copy !req
824. After I stood...Copy !req
825. I couldn't believe it!Copy !req
826. Rowley was eating
at an actual table
because of something I did!Copy !req
827. Where's my credit?Copy !req
828. And he's right handed!
He can feed himself just fine.Copy !req
829. So, how's that
class favorite thing
working out for you?Copy !req
830. Great.Copy !req
831. I realized
Rowley's injury thing
was a pretty good racket.Copy !req
832. It's gonna be
so much fun.Copy !req
833. Hey, guys.
Check it out.Copy !req
834. Oh, my gosh,
what happened?Copy !req
835. It's a raging infection
caused by a splinter
that was left untreated.Copy !req
836. Want to be the first to sign
my sympathy sheet?Copy !req
837. No.Copy !req
838. I'll sign it, Greg Heffley,
if you'd let me
look at your infection.Copy !req
839. And on the X-ray,
you could see where the bone
just snapped right in half.Copy !req
840. I had the exact
same break last year,
and it got all purple!Copy !req
841. Cool!
Mine, too!Copy !req
842. Hey, Gregory,
want to sign the card?Copy !req
843. You got
Rowley a card?Copy !req
844. What? No, it's for
Bryan Little.Copy !req
845. You know, the guy who writes
the Wacky Dawg cartoonsCopy !req
846. for the school paper?Copy !req
847. He has mono
and he's going to be out
for three months.Copy !req
848. That really stinks.Copy !req
849. So, just out of curiosity,
who's gonna do the cartoon?Copy !req
850. They're having tryouts,
but the important thing
is Bryan gets better.Copy !req
851. Absolutely.Copy !req
852. Bryan Little getting mono
was destiny.Copy !req
853. I draw cartoons all the time.
I'm gonna win this.Copy !req
854. I decided to go ahead
and forgive Rowley for milking
the broken hand so hardCopy !req
855. and I told him
he could work on the cartoon
with me.Copy !req
856. So, I was thinking
we could do
something like this!Copy !req
857. Oops, I stepped
in a puddle!Copy !req
858. At least it's not
an acid puddle.Copy !req
859. Oy, oy, oy!
It is an acid puddle!Copy !req
860. Zoo-wee Mama!Copy !req
861. It's the same joke
every time.Copy !req
862. Yeah! Zoo-wee Mama!Copy !req
863. We can't just do
the same thing
over and over.Copy !req
864. We can if it's
Zoo-wee Mama.Copy !req
865. It has to be
a little more
sophisticated.Copy !req
866. I wonder what is in
this cute Iittle box.Copy !req
867. It's not a box,Copy !req
868. it's a brick,
you dumb moron.Copy !req
869. Oops! I've been
trying to open it all day!Copy !req
870. Can he say,
"Zoo-wee Mama"?Copy !req
871. No, it's not funny.Copy !req
872. Well, I think it is.
I like Zoo-wee Mama.Copy !req
873. You know what?Copy !req
874. if you like it so much,
then why don't
you go do it yourself?Copy !req
875. Okay. I will.Copy !req
876. See you.Copy !req
877. Hey, I forgot my raincoat,
so I'm gonna need you to
walk the kids home today.Copy !req
878. I can't. I can't
get my cast wet.Copy !req
879. You can borrow
my coat.Copy !req
880. Where's Rowley?Copy !req
881. He couldn't
get his cast wet!Copy !req
882. He walks us better!Copy !req
883. Oh, no.Copy !req
884. Oh, my gosh!
Space monsters!Copy !req
885. They're going to eat us,
unless we can
get into that hole!Copy !req
886. Come on, people, move it!
Now, people!
We're gonna get eaten!Copy !req
887. Come on! Don't worry!
I'm right behind you!Copy !req
888. Whoa!
Go!Copy !req
889. Hey!Copy !req
890. Rowley Jefferson,
is that you?Copy !req
891. Yes, Mrs. Lrvine!Copy !req
892. Sorry, kids!Copy !req
893. Are you going to
eat us?Copy !req
894. And though doctors assure us
that Mrs. Cheznik
is no longer contagious,Copy !req
895. the cafeteria nachos bar
will be closed
for the remainder of the week.Copy !req
896. And now, what you've all
been waiting for.Copy !req
897. The faculty, Student Council
and editors have all metCopy !req
898. and selected
the new cartoonist
for the school paper.Copy !req
899. And the winner isCopy !req
900. "Zoo-wee Mama"
by Rowley Jefferson!Copy !req
901. What?Copy !req
902. That is funny!Copy !req
903. Great job.Copy !req
904. Zoo-wee Mama.Copy !req
905. I couldn't believe it.Copy !req
906. Am I the only one
who gets comedy?Copy !req
907. Rowley, will you
put me
in your cartoon?Copy !req
908. Sure.Copy !req
909. And me, too.
I want to be the one
who says, "Zoo-wee Mama."Copy !req
910. You got it!Copy !req
911. Hey, Rowley,
congratulations.Copy !req
912. Thanks.
No problem.Copy !req
913. You know, I read
all the submissions and yours
was by far the best.Copy !req
914. I read yours, too.Copy !req
915. Hey, Rowley.Copy !req
916. Hey, Bryce.Copy !req
917. Yeah, hey, Bryce.Copy !req
918. Hey, fella.Copy !req
919. Wow. Everyone knows me now.Copy !req
920. It's like I'm famous!
isn't this great?Copy !req
921. Yeah.Copy !req
922. Rowley Jefferson?
I need to see you
in my office, now.Copy !req
923. MR. I just took a call
from a Mrs. LrvineCopy !req
924. about what happened
to the kindergarteners
last week.Copy !req
925. She was very upset.
And so am I.Copy !req
926. What?Copy !req
927. You violated
the sacred trust.Copy !req
928. This...Copy !req
929. This badge is supposed
to mean something,
and you just spat on it.Copy !req
930. I can barely even
look at you.Copy !req
931. I really don't...Copy !req
932. Just save it.Copy !req
933. You are officially suspended
from Safety Patrol.Copy !req
934. And I expect a full apology
to the kindergarteners.Copy !req
935. Yes, sir.Copy !req
936. Hey. What did
he have to say?Copy !req
937. I'm kicked off.Copy !req
938. I don't even know
what he's talking about.Copy !req
939. Rowley?Copy !req
940. What?Copy !req
941. Nothing.Copy !req
942. You've been home for an hour
and haven't badgered me
for any snacks.Copy !req
943. Are you feeling okay?Copy !req
944. Well, I'm kind of
in a tough situation.Copy !req
945. I know somethingCopy !req
946. and if I tell
the truth about it,
it could hurt somebody.Copy !req
947. But if I don't,
it could hurt
somebody else.Copy !req
948. Well, you have to
trust your gut and
try to do the right thing,Copy !req
949. because it's our choices
that make us who we are.Copy !req
950. Okay.Copy !req
951. I was up all night,
tossing and turning,Copy !req
952. thinking about
my mom's advice.Copy !req
953. And I finally decided
to do the right thing.Copy !req
954. I'm sorry
I terrorized you, children.Copy !req
955. What?Copy !req
956. I decided to let Rowley
take one for the team.Copy !req
957. But I'm not entirely sure
that was the right call.Copy !req
958. Hey, how's it going?Copy !req
959. Well, I was pretty upset
about being suspended
from Safety Patrol,Copy !req
960. but then I just started
drawing a bunch
of Zoo-wee MamasCopy !req
961. and I felt better.Copy !req
962. Look. I put you
in this week's cartoon.Copy !req
963. And you even get to say,
"Zoo-wee Mama."Copy !req
964. Wow. That's reallyCopy !req
965. nice.Copy !req
966. So, listen.Copy !req
967. It's kind of funny, you know,
the whole Safety Patrol thing.Copy !req
968. Yeah?Copy !req
969. Ready for the funny part?Copy !req
970. Well, I'm the one
who terrorized those kids!Copy !req
971. What?
Yeah,Copy !req
972. and I think we can both
learn some valuable lessons
from this.Copy !req
973. Like, I should be more careful
what I do in front of
Mrs. Lrvine's house.Copy !req
974. And you, well,Copy !req
975. you should be more careful
who you lend your coat to.Copy !req
976. You know what, Greg?
You're not
a good friend.Copy !req
977. Whoa. How could
you even say that?Copy !req
978. I'm a great friend.Copy !req
979. if you were a great friend,
you would have told
Mr. Winsky the truth.Copy !req
980. Okay, one thing.
You can't get mad
about just...Copy !req
981. You only care
about yourself.Copy !req
982. You hated my cartoon.Copy !req
983. You made fun of my clothes.
You disrespected Joshie.Copy !req
984. You broke my hand
and you didn't even
seem sorry.Copy !req
985. That broken hand
was the best thing
that ever happened to you!Copy !req
986. Don't call me.Copy !req
987. Don't come by my house.
We're done.Copy !req
988. I thought the whole thing
would blow over.Copy !req
989. But Rowley was still giving me
the silent treatment.Copy !req
990. Even when I tried to
make the first move.Copy !req
991. Yeah.Copy !req
992. So, anyway, I was
so angry at him,
I didn't know what to say.Copy !req
993. MR.
One of the kindergartenersCopy !req
994. finally told their parents
the whole story.Copy !req
995. Greg? You're relieved
of your Safety Patrol duties,
effective immediately.Copy !req
996. Rowley,Copy !req
997. for showing dignity
under false suspicion,
I am promoting youCopy !req
998. to team captain.Copy !req
999. Now, that's a position
that I held for two years.
I know you'll honor it.Copy !req
1000. OkayCopy !req
1001. You're supposed to
be my friendCopy !req
1002. We're supposed to get alongCopy !req
1003. Hey, you're supposed to
be my friendCopy !req
1004. Hey, Rowley, my mom says
it's okay for me
to sleep over tonight.Copy !req
1005. Awesome!Copy !req
1006. The whole thing
with Rowley is, I was willing
to let bygones be bygones.Copy !req
1007. But then he made friends
with Collin
just to mess with me.Copy !req
1008. As if I even care if he...Copy !req
1009. Well, you know what?Copy !req
1010. Two can play at that game.Copy !req
1011. There's no
going back, Sergeant.Copy !req
1012. I need to board
the helicopter.Copy !req
1013. Do you have my back?Copy !req
1014. I will always
have your back, Captain.Copy !req
1015. Yeah, maybe I'll meet up
with some friendsCopy !req
1016. Yeah, maybe I'll meet up
with some dogsCopy !req
1017. 'Cause you're supposed to beCopy !req
1018. You're supposed to beCopy !req
1019. Supposed to be my friendCopy !req
1020. You're supposed to
be my friend nowCopy !req
1021. Hey.Copy !req
1022. Hey, Greg Heffley.Copy !req
1023. So, I was thinking
maybe you might
want to have a sleepover?Copy !req
1024. Yeah. With who?Copy !req
1025. Me.Copy !req
1026. Yeah, when?Copy !req
1027. Now.Copy !req
1028. Greg Heffley,
I love you!Copy !req
1029. We are going to be
best friends forever!Copy !req
1030. Wanna have
a tickle fight?Copy !req
1031. Okay.
Let's get inside.Copy !req
1032. I can't believe it!Copy !req
1033. Greg Heffley's in my room!
Greg Heffley's
in my room, Rebecca.Copy !req
1034. What do you want to do,
Greg Heffley?
How about Twister?Copy !req
1035. I'm not really
that much of a Twister guy.Copy !req
1036. Candy!
Wait!Copy !req
1037. No, no, no!
Fregley, come on! Really!Copy !req
1038. I really think
we should save those
for later!Copy !req
1039. Maybe we should
go outside and...Copy !req
1040. My mom doesn't
let me have sugar.Copy !req
1041. She says high glucose
in my diet
induces hyperactivity.Copy !req
1042. But it's so good!Copy !req
1043. Greg Heffley, you want
to jumpety-jump?Copy !req
1044. Yeah, you know
what, Fregley?
I just remembered,Copy !req
1045. I have an appointment,
a really important
appointment.Copy !req
1046. It's a homework appointment.
Yeah, and I really
should be going.Copy !req
1047. Get away from me!Copy !req
1048. I can fly! Whoa.Copy !req
1049. How fun,
Greg Heffley!Copy !req
1050. Greg? Greg, Greg,
Greg, Greg, Greg?
Greg? Greg?Copy !req
1051. I hear you breathing,
Greg Heffley.Copy !req
1052. Dear GregoryCopy !req
1053. I'm very sorry I chased you
with a booger on my finger.Copy !req
1054. Here, I put it on this paper
so you can get me back.Copy !req
1055. What?Copy !req
1056. All right.Copy !req
1057. Okay, enough.
I'll show Rowley
I don't need him.Copy !req
1058. When he sees me
in the yearbook
as Most Talented,Copy !req
1059. he's gonna come running back.Copy !req
1060. Okay, since there are
so many of you
here auditioning,Copy !req
1061. to save time,
we're gonna do a group sing
of one of my favorite songs.Copy !req
1062. Please refer to the lyrics
on this handout.Copy !req
1063. I will pick out
the best voices
and place you accordingly.Copy !req
1064. Greg Heffley, what a lovely
soprano voice you have.
I'm stunned!Copy !req
1065. Maybe you should be Dorothy!Copy !req
1066. No, no, I can't be . . .
No!Copy !req
1067. Greg Heffley was suspended
from the school
Safety Patrol!Copy !req
1068. How can you trust him
with the lead role
in the play?Copy !req
1069. He can't be Dorothy!
I'm Dorothy!Copy !req
1070. All right, Patty,
calm down.Copy !req
1071. I'm Dorothy! I am!Copy !req
1072. My mother
is the president
of the P.T.A.Copy !req
1073. She can ruin your life!Copy !req
1074. Just an idea.Copy !req
1075. All right, well, Greg,
your voice is too high for
any of the other male roles.Copy !req
1076. Perhaps you can be a tree!Copy !req
1077. A tree?Copy !req
1078. No way.Copy !req
1079. The trees
get to throw apples
at Patty Farrell.Copy !req
1080. Haven't you
seen the movie?Copy !req
1081. Wait, we don't
get arm holes?Copy !req
1082. How are we gonna throw apples
at Dorothy without arm holes?Copy !req
1083. You don't need arm holes
because nobody's
throwing any apples.Copy !req
1084. We're not doing the movie.
In my version,
the trees sing.Copy !req
1085. These, my dear.Copy !req
1086. Down the winding yellow roadCopy !req
1087. Doth she know
to where it goesCopy !req
1088. With her dog
so small and trueCopy !req
1089. We hope she fares wellCopy !req
1090. Yes, we doCopy !req
1091. My tooth!
I think I knocked out
my tooth!Copy !req
1092. Perhaps we should
cut out some arm holes.Copy !req
1093. Is he okay?
You think?Copy !req
1094. isn't this exciting?
Your son's in a play.Copy !req
1095. Yeah, sure.
It's not wrestling,
but...Copy !req
1096. But at least it's something.
Come on, Toto.Copy !req
1097. Let us explore
this magical path!Copy !req
1098. Bubby!Copy !req
1099. Bubby! Bubby!Copy !req
1100. Bubby.Copy !req
1101. Hey, Bubby, I think
you dropped an apple.Copy !req
1102. Huh?Copy !req
1103. We three trees
from yonder glenCopy !req
1104. Do spy a fair
and sweet maidenCopy !req
1105. Whilst we're rooted
to our spotsCopy !req
1106. In silver slippers
she doth trotCopy !req
1107. Down the winding yellow roadCopy !req
1108. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1109. Doth she know
to where it goesCopy !req
1110. You're dead.Copy !req
1111. With her dog
so small and trueCopy !req
1112. We hope she fares wellCopy !req
1113. Yes, we doCopy !req
1114. We three trees from...Copy !req
1115. From yonder glen!Copy !req
1116. Wish her joy
through journey's end!Copy !req
1117. Sing!Copy !req
1118. This bites!Copy !req
1119. Come on,
Greg Heffley!Copy !req
1120. Stop ruining the play
like you ruin
everything else!Copy !req
1121. Don't make me
come over there
and beat you up again!Copy !req
1122. Eat this!Copy !req
1123. Wow.Copy !req
1124. What'd you think?
I thought he was
the best one up there.Copy !req
1125. Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.Copy !req
1126. You know, I'm...Copy !req
1127. I thought
Dorothy deserved it.Copy !req
1128. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
1129. You got some
good shots in there.Copy !req
1130. Look what I found
in the trash.Copy !req
1131. Guess you threw it
away by accident.Copy !req
1132. Give it back, Rodrick!Copy !req
1133. No way!
You want it?Copy !req
1134. Come and get it then!
Come on.Copy !req
1135. Give it!
Come on!Copy !req
1136. Use your muscular legs!
No, you can't have it.Copy !req
1137. Okay, okay, boys!
Give it back!Copy !req
1138. Hold on, don't you want it?
Okay!Copy !req
1139. It's for you.Copy !req
1140. It's an invitation
for the Mother and Son
Sweetheart Dance.Copy !req
1141. I knew you didn't want
to miss that.Copy !req
1142. It looks like a lot of fun.Copy !req
1143. I think you should go.
I think
it'd be a lot of fun.Copy !req
1144. Fun?
That's the exact opposite
of fun!Copy !req
1145. This entire year
has been terrible
and nobody even cares!Copy !req
1146. My family, my best friend.Copy !req
1147. Well, I'm sick of it.
Somebody needs to pay.Copy !req
1148. Okay, Manny, I'm putting
this Tootsie Roll
in Rodrick's backpack.Copy !req
1149. It's for Rodrick,
so whatever you do,
don't touch the Tootsie Roll.Copy !req
1150. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
1151. Greg? Coaster.
Where's he...Copy !req
1152. Manny?
Where did you get that?Copy !req
1153. Oh, my.
That's offensive.Copy !req
1154. Rodrick? Rodrick!Copy !req
1155. I need to talk to you
inside! Now!Copy !req
1156. Go ahead and talk.
We're a band
and we have no secrets.Copy !req
1157. Okay, fine.Copy !req
1158. What is this?Copy !req
1159. It's not mine.Copy !req
1160. It was in your backpack.Copy !req
1161. No, it was in my room.Copy !req
1162. Does owning this magazine
make you a better person?Copy !req
1163. No.Copy !req
1164. Did it make you
more popular at school?Copy !req
1165. Yes!Copy !req
1166. No.Copy !req
1167. How do you feel
about having owned
this type of magazine?Copy !req
1168. Ashamed!
Nice.Copy !req
1169. Hmm.Copy !req
1170. Do you have anything
you wanna say to womenCopy !req
1171. for having owned
this offensive magazine?Copy !req
1172. I'm sorry, women.Copy !req
1173. Yeah, women.Copy !req
1174. Yeah.Copy !req
1175. You're grounded
for two weeks.Copy !req
1176. Okay, settle down, Susan!
I think one week is plenty!Copy !req
1177. Make it four weeks
and I'm gonna need
the keys to your van!Copy !req
1178. My van?Copy !req
1179. Yeah! Yeah.Copy !req
1180. Yeah.Copy !req
1181. Hello?Copy !req
1182. Hello?Copy !req
1183. All right, smile.Copy !req
1184. Look at this place!
Wanna dance?Copy !req
1185. Mom, stop dancing.
You're embarrassing me.Copy !req
1186. Come on.
I'm just keeping time
to the music.Copy !req
1187. I'm begging you,
please stop it.Copy !req
1188. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
1189. Thanks, honey.Copy !req
1190. Hi!Copy !req
1191. Well, if we're
not here to dance,Copy !req
1192. maybe you should
go talk to Rowley.Copy !req
1193. I think it's time
you two made up.Copy !req
1194. I can't.Copy !req
1195. Sweetheart,
he's your best friend.Copy !req
1196. And sometimes,
when somebody's worth it,Copy !req
1197. you just have to
put yourself out there.Copy !req
1198. I wouldn't know
what to say.Copy !req
1199. Well, I could go
for an ice cream
after the dance.Copy !req
1200. Maybe you could
invite him to join us.Copy !req
1201. Yeah.Copy !req
1202. Hey, Rowley.Copy !req
1203. Hey.Copy !req
1204. So you want to go
get some ice cream after?Copy !req
1205. I'm sorry.
We already have plans.Copy !req
1206. Yeah. We do.Copy !req
1207. Oh, fine.
My mom wanted me to ask.
So I did.Copy !req
1208. I didn't even want to go.Copy !req
1209. Well?Copy !req
1210. Honey, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1211. Yeah!Copy !req
1212. Well, now,
don't you tell me to smileCopy !req
1213. You stick around
I'll make it worth your whileCopy !req
1214. Got numbers
beyond what you can dialCopy !req
1215. Maybe it's because
I'm so versatileCopy !req
1216. Style profile, I saidCopy !req
1217. It always brings me back
when I hear, Ooh, ChildCopy !req
1218. From the Hudson River
out to the NileCopy !req
1219. I run the marathon
till the very last mileCopy !req
1220. if you battle me
I will revileCopy !req
1221. People always say
my style is wildCopy !req
1222. You've got gall,
you've got guileCopy !req
1223. To step to me,
I'm a rapophileCopy !req
1224. if you want to battle,
you're in denialCopy !req
1225. Coming from Uranus
to check my styleCopy !req
1226. Go ahead,
put my rhymes on trialCopy !req
1227. Cast you off into exileCopy !req
1228. You have
got to be kidding me.Copy !req
1229. Hey, what's up?
Hey.Copy !req
1230. Hey.Copy !req
1231. So, I left
my racing game
at your houseCopy !req
1232. and Collin's
sleeping over tonight.Copy !req
1233. So I need it back.Copy !req
1234. What? No way.Copy !req
1235. Finders, keepers.Copy !req
1236. You didn't find it,
I left it.Copy !req
1237. Fine, then leavers, losers.Copy !req
1238. That's not even
a real thing.Copy !req
1239. It is if I say it is.Copy !req
1240. It's my game.Copy !req
1241. Do you know what?Copy !req
1242. You wouldn't even
have that game
if I hadn't told you about it.Copy !req
1243. You wouldn't have
half the stuff
you have without me.Copy !req
1244. Yeah, like
a broken hand!Copy !req
1245. That was
a million years ago.Copy !req
1246. It clicks now!Copy !req
1247. Hear that?
Click, click,
click, click.Copy !req
1248. And it's all
your fault!Copy !req
1249. It was an accident!Copy !req
1250. Kick his butt,
Rowley! It's easy.Copy !req
1251. Guys, Greg and Rowley
are gonna fight.Copy !req
1252. Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!Copy !req
1253. Come on,
what's wrong with you guys?
Start punching!Copy !req
1254. You start.Copy !req
1255. You start it.Copy !req
1256. No, you!Copy !req
1257. Quit copying me!Copy !req
1258. This has got to be
the worst fight ever!
Do something!Copy !req
1259. Well, well, well.
Look who we have here.Copy !req
1260. You're so
freaking dead.Copy !req
1261. All you guys better scram
or I'm gonna
kick your butts, too!Copy !req
1262. Not you two.Copy !req
1263. You guys have no idea
what I'm gonna do to you.Copy !req
1264. Oh, um...Copy !req
1265. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
1266. I don't know.
We need to move this along.Copy !req
1267. My shift at Cinnabon
starts in half an hour.Copy !req
1268. I know what we're gonna do.
Give me the wide one.Copy !req
1269. That's you,
let's go.Copy !req
1270. Pick it up.Copy !req
1271. But . . .
Pick it up.Copy !req
1272. Now eat it.Copy !req
1273. No!Copy !req
1274. Eat it or I'll shove
the entire thing
down your throat.Copy !req
1275. I don't even want to say
exactly what happenedCopy !req
1276. because if Rowley ever tries
to run for PresidentCopy !req
1277. and someone finds out
what these guys made him do,Copy !req
1278. he won't have a chance.Copy !req
1279. Now you.Copy !req
1280. But I'm allergic
to dairy!Copy !req
1281. I'll die, and then
you'll go to jail! And...Copy !req
1282. Hey!Copy !req
1283. What are you doing
on school property?Copy !req
1284. Go, go, go!Copy !req
1285. Shotgun!Copy !req
1286. Pete Hosey,
is that you?Copy !req
1287. You boys okay?Copy !req
1288. Yeah? All right.Copy !req
1289. Out of my way!
Out of my way!Copy !req
1290. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1291. Rowley Jefferson ate...Copy !req
1292. I ate the cheese!Copy !req
1293. Yeah. I ate it.Copy !req
1294. And you know
what, people?Copy !req
1295. I just did
you all a huge favor.Copy !req
1296. I ate the cheese
to show you all how stupid
this whole school is.Copy !req
1297. The wrong friends.Copy !req
1298. The wrong lunch table.Copy !req
1299. The wrong butt?Copy !req
1300. It's all meaningless.Copy !req
1301. Just like this cheese.Copy !req
1302. I know it.
You all know it.Copy !req
1303. So come on.Copy !req
1304. Everyone else
who's sick of it,
step forward and join me!Copy !req
1305. Cheese Touch!
Greg Heffley
has the Cheese Touch!Copy !req
1306. Run!Copy !req
1307. He's got
the Cheese Touch!Copy !req
1308. Not bad, Heffley.
Not bad at all.Copy !req
1309. So you want to
come over
after school andCopy !req
1310. play?Copy !req
1311. Yeah.Copy !req
1312. Okay.Copy !req
1313. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.Copy !req
1314. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.Copy !req
1315. Thanks!Copy !req
1316. Here's your yearbook.
Have a great summer.Copy !req
1317. Thanks, Patty.Copy !req
1318. Here's your yearbook.
You're not in it that much.Copy !req
1319. Maybe try to get out there
a little next year.Copy !req
1320. You know what, Patty?Copy !req
1321. One day middle school will end
and become high school.Copy !req
1322. And after that,
it just becomes life.Copy !req
1323. And all those things
you think are important now
won't be anymore.Copy !req
1324. You wish.Copy !req
1325. As if!Copy !req
1326. Handing it to you
is like touching youCopy !req
1327. and I am way too smart
to touch somebody
who ate the cheese.Copy !req
1328. Rowley!
Have a great summer!Copy !req
1329. Stay cool.Copy !req
1330. Yep, you're way too smart
for me, Patty Farrell.Copy !req
1331. So the year
turned out pretty good.Copy !req
1332. My goal was to be
a class favorite,
and I made it.Copy !req
1333. Even if it wasn't exactly
the way I planned it.Copy !req
1334. Zoo-wee Mama!Copy !req
1335. Hey! Oh!Copy !req
1336. I don't wanna
waste my time againCopy !req
1337. By getting wasted
with so-called friendsCopy !req
1338. 'Cause they don't know meCopy !req
1339. But they pretend to be
part of my social sceneryCopy !req
1340. Hey, maybe I'm a critic,
a cynicCopy !req
1341. Or am I jaded
or am I afraid of it?Copy !req
1342. 'Cause It's dragging me downCopy !req
1343. It's bumming me outCopy !req
1344. It's making my head spin
round and roundCopy !req
1345. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1346. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1347. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1348. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1349. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1350. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1351. I get the feeling
we're on to somethingCopy !req
1352. I say jump
and you start jumpingCopy !req
1353. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1354. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1355. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1356. Just another day
in the life of meCopy !req
1357. It's 3:00 am,
and I can't sleepCopy !req
1358. Maybe I'm a critic, a cynicCopy !req
1359. Or am I crazy?
Do they all hate me?Copy !req
1360. 'Cause they pick me up
and throw me downCopy !req
1361. It's making my head spin
round and roundCopy !req
1362. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1363. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1364. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1365. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1366. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1367. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1368. I get the feeling,
we're on to somethingCopy !req
1369. I say jump
and you start jumpingCopy !req
1370. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1371. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1372. That's right,
now what do you want from me?Copy !req
1373. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1374. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1375. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1376. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1377. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1378. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1379. I get the feeling,
we're on to somethingCopy !req
1380. I say jump
and you start jumpingCopy !req
1381. Can you say, "Hey?"Copy !req
1382. Can you say, "Oh?"Copy !req
1383. That's right,
what do you want from me?Copy !req
1384. English - US - PSDHCopy !req