Devil’s Freedom (2017)

1. We came to a place in the countryside.

2. One could hear the water flowing from the pond.

3. We started climbing the hill.

4. In the end, we got up to the creek's source.

5. I saw people who were crazy.

6. It looked crazy... It was pure barbarity.

7. I could not imagine...

8. ...that those people were my peers there and then.

9. I couldn't have been mistaken with them.

10. And yet we did belong to the same species.

11. Devil's Freedom

12. - Do you want to view the pictures you have? - Yes.

13. This is the only picture I have, -

14. where she carries me when I was still small.

15. And in this picture she is pregnant with my sister.

16. It was her baby shower.

17. These are the only pictures that I have-

18. together with her when I was little.

19. Have you lost fear?

20. Now I'm not so scared since I feel safer.

21. I know it's hard for them to find me here.

22. - What's the last thing you remember from mom? - When they took her. It was cold.

23. We sat watching TV.

24. - What did you watch? - A soap opera.

25. We watched TV and then we were going out with mom, -

26. -but she said we should stay

27. - and that she would come and buy something later.

28. She went out and we sat there waiting for her.

29. In our case the army was close.

30. They had no reason to take them and make them disappear.

31. My family lived honorably. My cousin worked in a grocery store.

32. My godfather worked in a factory in Ciudad Juárez, mom was retired.

33. They were honorable people.

34. When they abducted them, we thought they would let them go later on.

35. They used to kidnap people, torture them and then let them go.

36. We thought they would also let our family go.

37. But unfortunately it did not happen. We did not get them back.

38. Do you remember a face?

39. Can you describe the face of any of them?

40. He was very young.

41. It was one of the boys who came to our home.

42. He was very young.

43. He held his weapon hard but looked so scared. He was affected.

44. His eyes were in a way there, but at the same time not there.

45. And the voices?

46. They just said many swear words.

47. It was as if they wanted to...

48. ...scare us, but at the same time they were scared too.

49. His eyes were troubled, he seemed nervous.

50. We women were outside the house. There was a five year old girl there.

51. She shouted that they should not make her mother anything.

52. We were afraid and they started...

53. They started to cling to us and take our jewelry and mobile phones.

54. Mother cried and asked them not to hurt us.

55. It feels like...

56. I can not explain it.

57. You are afraid and think that you will die there and then.

58. You wonder what they want to do and what will happen.

59. You listen to all the sounds to hear if they come closer.

60. Or if they want to shoot or something like that.

61. I cried violently, because I stood next to her-

62. - and then she went with them so that they did not beat us.

63. I think she wanted them to do nothing to us.

64. Therefore she preferred to be abducted by them.

65. Before they left, they said there was nothing else to see.

66. And that we only had a few hours left to leave the village.

67. If they saw us there again, they would kill us and our family.

68. They went and took her with them. We do not know where they took her.

69. When I managed to react and run into the house,

70. my dad was lying at the door, all bloody.

71. He seemed to be dead. He did not react and was barely breathing.

72. I got scared. The house was a chaos.

73. They had messed up through everything, maybe looking for money.

74. When my uncles and cousins came from the other house,

75. - they got to help my dad to react. But they had hit him hard.

76. They smashed a gun against his head and left it there.

77. We were angry when we saw that the gun was a prop.

78. But how could we have known that it was not a real gun?

79. We could not help mom. They abducted her.

80. I was worried and wanted help about finding my children.

81. They did not let me in with the prosecution. The prosecutor was out.

82. I had to wait.

83. I waited till three o'clock and walked around...

84. ...to different police stations, but nobody said they had them.

85. They did not let me in, they said nobody could receive any complaint.

86. At six o'clock in the evening an official came.

87. He said it was not his shift and that I should come back another day.

88. He said that my children might be partying.

89. I said I had the number on the police patrol who abducted them.

90. "Come back tomorrow morning at eight o'clock."

91. We were looking for them all night. I looked at pictures of inmates.

92. But they were not there.

93. The next day I went to the prosecution office early.

94. I was there at eight o'clock to report the abduction.

95. They said I had to wait until the prosecutor came at nine o'clock.

96. You get no justice.

97. You feel despair, anxiety...

98. One feels that you are powerless.

99. They do not care about anyone. Even though they kidnapped four people.

100. Where are they? Where do they hold them?

101. Then the media appeared and it was featured in the news.

102. Then they began to do something, according to their statement,

103. they would help me find my kids.

104. But I brought my sons' friends and drove along the highway.

105. To see if they had dumped them there.

106. We chose not to go to the police.

107. I played the drug user and contacted some guys.

108. I bought drugs and when we had trusted each other,

109. - I told one of them that I had never used drugs.

110. "What are you doing with the drug?" - "I give it away."

111. "I want you to put me in contact with those who sell to you," -

112. "to know where my brothers are."

113. He said: "I'll talk to El Chile."

114. "A friend of mine can talk to them," -

115. "But if they let your brothers go, you have to take their place. You've meddle in stuff you shouldn't."

116. "It's fine as long as my brothers come home to their mother."

117. They would know I was there. Rather than they have disappeared.

118. We agreed to meet later.

119. Two guys were also there.

120. They tied me, put me in the trunk and drove up in the mountains.

121. I think we drove in about 45 minutes.

122. They pulled me out of the car. I did not know where we were.

123. They said: "There it is the boss, go talk to him."

124. I was 14 years when I killed the first time.

125. - Was the weapon heavy? - No.

126. The Glock is made of carbon fiber, they are not heavy. But the recoil is powerful.

127. - Did you practice? - Yes. They take you out to a ranch.

128. They have properties. "Shoot," they say.

129. They show how to shoot and take apart and clean the weapon, -

130. and what each weapon is used for.

131. - Was everyone in your age? - Yes, the vast majority.

132. And why is that? Because you can not get more than five years.

133. They were fine with it. This way they avoided a lot of problems.

134. The boys did not think. They were crazy.

135. It was in the district of Colonia Roma. He stood on a balcony and looked.

136. It was two meters up. I had the school uniform.

137. I got out of the car and shot.

138. I emptied the weapon. I just shot.

139. He hung out from the balcony. I ran, and a car waited for me.

140. We drove from there. Everyone was happy as if we had done something...

141. My body was pumped by adrenaline. I shouted euphorically.

142. They said, "Did you see that you could? Cool!"

143. They said things like all gangs use to say.

144. I thought, "Was it me? This is was what I wanted, no?"

145. I thought they would give me money.

146. Then they asked if I had a car. "No." My goal was to buy a used cheap car.

147. They asked if I wanted a car. We went out and they said, "Here it is."

148. I was looking for a cheap car but it was an Audi A4. "Not bad!"

149. That's how it started. I traveled around and got paid.

150. - Why do you kill? - For power.

151. We say we are jackals with skulls.

152. You get power... Air pilots boast of their flight hours.

153. Here it's about killing the most. It gives you awesome feeling of power.

154. A murder from time to time, they say.

155. It always worked. I said who sent me and they gave me the money.

156. The day I was taken in, it was funny, I was drunk. I had to collect the money.

157. I came, said who sent me, and that was it.

158. That day I kicked in the door.

159. I started to beat him and demanded the money and the drugs.

160. "Why do you beat me? I'll pay you."

161. When I turned, he picked up a .22 and said, "I'm going to kill you!"

162. No one likes to be beaten in his own home.

163. I said, "Funny!" I was so crazy... I do not know what it was with me.

164. If someone pulled a gun, I said "shoot". Otherwise, I would've killed them.

165. I said, "shoot!" Then I noticed that the charge was empty.

166. I pulled my weapon and shot him. In the chest and in the forehead.

167. - How does it feel taking a life? - I don't feel anything, anymore.

168. There is no compassion in this profession. None at all.

169. The reward is money.

170. Just money. "Kill him," they say.

171. It's not a family member. It's a person you do not know.

172. You do not feel anything. Why should you have compassion?

173. There is no reason for that. In return, you get money.

174. You get 50000-60000 pesos, for a single person.

175. This is how you climb in the ladder.

176. Why are sometimes relatives killed? Have you done it?

177. Yes, just once.

178. We got there. We had only threatened the guy once.

179. He ran off. But he left his family.

180. He left them and didn't say anything.

181. We often asked for him, but the mother said nothing.

182. The boss said, "then we take the family, that's what it's going to hurt him most."

183. The family had to pay for it.

184. - What did you do? "We did what had to be done.

185. We did our job. We killed them. With a 9 mm.

186. The boys asked them to stand in line.

187. "Now it's over, buddy."

188. The mother... "see you!"

189. What is most painful, even without feelings, is the children.

190. It's the worst. Because they do not know what's going on.

191. They do not know who's there, why they do it.

192. The kids get the end of the stick. And it hurts us too.

193. Some have children and do not want the same thing happen to them.

194. The children is what hurts me the most.

195. - Didn't you had an urge to run from there? - Yes, and to cry and say "stop".

196. - But we had orders. - Do the kids also beg for their lives?

197. The children? No, they were just on their knees, clueless, asking what is happening.

198. Then it's... over for them.

199. What changes on yourself after killing a child?

200. First, my face changed.

201. It was the face that changed. It was filled with regret.

202. I thought the boy, he was neither small nor big, could have been me.

203. It could have been me or one of my siblings who was on their knees.

204. I thought in my mind, "Why? It's just an innocent child."

205. It messes up with any guy. But orders are orders. They must be followed.

206. They attacked me. I was on my way to my home.

207. They stopped me saying that it was a routine check.

208. Right there I did not think...

209. ...that something bad would happen, just that they would take my money.

210. Because that's what we hear they do with people.

211. - Who attacked you? - Police in Ciudad Juárez.

212. It was... three women and two men.

213. They were doing...

214. - The three women and...? - Yes.

215. And... then they beat me...

216. ...with the rifle they brought with them.

217. They hit me on the sides, in the back and in my neck.

218. Did they ask you something? - Yes. What I was my profession.

219. I told them what it was.

220. Maybe they wanted to have... I do not know, maybe an answer like...

221. I had no other answer.

222. They started to take off all my clothes.

223. The police... One of the men.

224. They took off my clothes until I was completely naked.

225. And...

226. Later on, I do not know how many hours have passed...

227. There was one of them that...

228. ...started torturing me and raping me.

229. And it was...

230. It was quite awful.

231. All military who had attended special forces received an offer.

232. One could go over to the federal police force with high wages.

233. I did it mainly for improving my living conditions.

234. And to get the opportunity to contribute...

235. ...in conflict situations and try to solve them.

236. I would help resolve the conflicts.

237. Mostly I was afraid that my command would give me...

238. ...to cartels.

239. In many cases, we saw comrades being sent to certain neighborhoods-

240. - and then they were found dead. They had been kidnapped and executed.

241. Then you realize that something is wrong.

242. How is it possible that they send two when you should be eight?

243. But it was direct order from above. What should you do?

244. To me, justice is about finding a balance. You have to..

245. If you know that the one who has to keep the law does not do that-

246. - then you need someone else to do that.

247. I do not know if it's right or wrong, -

248. but we had that perception back then.

249. That's how we worked. We practiced our justice.

250. It feels good when people fear us and flee from us.

251. When people looked at me and said "officer" and then took my hand

252. - and followed me, it filled me with pride.

253. It's only temporary, but it gives a felling of power.

254. It is true that you enjoy having people underneath you,

255. and that you have some control over them.

256. The worst thing is that if people do not obey, things will go wrong.

257. If the army orders for lethal force, you must be prepared to kill innocent people.

258. One obeys, advances and takes human lives

259. - when ordered to use lethal force.

260. In the area around the barracks of Ciudad Juárez-

261. - there have been found many bones, even inside the barracks.

262. It was a cartel cemetery. They buried there people who were kidnapped-

263. -or removed them on someone's order.

264. If you want money and live well, you have to make unpleasant things.

265. One must do as they say. Unfortunately, we obey orders.

266. We specialize in obeying orders. We turn off our feelings.

267. You do not think about the person's children or parents.

268. You have to do the job. One ought to obey, not to ask questions.

269. Again, unfortunately I chose the page and what life to live, -

270. - and I could see all that. I could see all...

271. ...All the corruption and how little life is worth.

272. One life has a worth of 200 pesos in Ciudad Juárez.

273. For some, your life is worth 200. You become dehumanized.

274. You end up in a spiral of violence that you can not stop.

275. You must follow the flow if you want to survive.

276. We would've detain a person and we would've taken him to the police station.

277. On the station was someone who would've take them away.

278. They never asked us to be witness or make any formal notification.

279. We just handed them to the police.

280. It's practically a cell.

281. The tortured sits in the middle with handcuffs on and with the eyes blindfolded.

282. He doesn't see who we are. It's a way of stunning him.

283. When you can not see and you are shouted off by many...

284. It is a way of destabilizing.

285. One time, we stabbed up to 20 needles in the victim's hand.

286. The screams were terrible.

287. I think that it is very difficult to hold out.

288. If someone holds out, we give them electric shock or use mineral water.

289. - And if they hold out? - No one has done that.

290. Did you once killed someone rather than leave them to the police?

291. Yes, sometimes. If you knew it was a person with a vast criminal past.

292. And if he escaped, he would look for him.

293. - So what do you prefer to do? - We prefer to execute them.

294. The first time we thought: "Is it legal? Can we do it?"

295. "Does he have a family? Why do we do this?"

296. But as soon as you hear what they say...

297. "How many have you killed?" "Five."

298. Then you realize that person has no reason to live.

299. He should not live because how many will he kill if he does?

300. How did I turn off?

301. To be honest...

302. I just asked why.

303. Why? Why did they do this to me?

304. - Lo the? - Yes.

305. They thought it was fun.

306. But they really did not understand how much do they hurt.

307. How is a torturer?

308. Cold. They do not think what they do, I think.

309. Do they look like ordinary people? - Yes.

310. How would you describe such torturers as persons?

311. They are ordinary people. I think that...

312. Sometimes you do not know who stands next to you.

313. For example, on the bus or in the store.

314. You do not know if anyone nearby is following you,

315. or about to...

316. I do not know. You can't distinguish them.

317. Do you wished to die at one point, thinking it was better?

318. Well...

319. It was tough.

320. But...

321. What I wanted when I was in there...

322. ...was that they would let me go. I really wanted to live.

323. What I feared most was that they were going to kill me.

324. Have you been able to talk to someone about it? Or you have been silent till now?

325. Yes, until now.

326. With who have you been able to talk to?

327. With no one.

328. In my uniform I felt superior, worthy and proud.

329. Now as a civilian, and after deserting from the army, I feel ashamed.

330. I do not want to be seen.

331. I've never talk about it and I am not proud to say so,

332. - but it was like opening a sewer filled with the very worst.

333. I asked to be released from the army on three occasions.

334. I wanted to come out of that circle that did not lead me to any purpose.

335. Because I didn't want to belong to the cartels,

336. and help them, or stay in the army.

337. But they always said that they couldn't let me go.

338. "We need people, we need a crew."

339. I think I hated them because they did not let me out of this.

340. They had control over my life.

341. They said that if I deserted, they would look for me.

342. If I dared to desert, they would not show me any mercy.

343. It is with sadness that I say it is disgusting to be a soldier.

344. To face such a person...

345. I asked God to give me the words...

346. ...not to expose me to danger, and to know about my brothers.

347. I said who I was.

348. "Two of my brothers, a cousin and a nephew have been abducted."

349. "If it were you, then you've made a mistake."

350. "You are criminals and what you want is money. We can negotiate."

351. He said, "I do not have those pigs, you motherfucker."

352. "I want money, but dunno what you're talking about."

353. He looked at my contact and said: "Big idiot, we'll talk later."

354. "I do not want to see him here."

355. He said: "You know what to do."

356. They tied me again and led me away from there.

357. They took me out of the car, I had a blind.

358. They put the gun against my head and said, "You are brave, so what?"

359. "But now it will end here, your son of a bitch."

360. Then you no longer think about anything. All the blood flows into the feet.

361. He pulled the trigger, but it just clicked.

362. That was the worst click I...

363. They loosened the ropes and said, "Do not take it off before we've gone."

364. "You'll live, motherfucker." And that was all.

365. I heard that they were start driving. There were more vehicles, not just one.

366. I took the blind and just saw one of them.

367. I just stayed there.

368. And then I realized that I would not find my brothers.

369. When I got there, the forensics and the police were there.

370. And many soldiers.

371. The federal police were there too.

372. I wanted to go in because something told me that it was my sons.

373. Because the pain was getting worse.

374. They did not let me in. I hit several police officers.

375. I ran across the plains to a place where there were no police officers,

376. to see what happened.

377. The anthropologists were digging up the bodies.

378. I knelt and began to dig and saw my sons' shoes.

379. Then I noticed that they wanted to get me out of there.

380. I told them not to do it and said I was fine.

381. "Nothing is going to happen to me. I want to know if it's my kids."

382. But that was it. I had already recognized their shoes.

383. Then they let my daughter come by.

384. I started to beat everyone around just to get there.

385. It was April 14 that they were found.

386. They were dug in the desert. My two sons and two friends.

387. The biggest pain I have experienced was to see my sons buried there.

388. In the beginning, I imagined my brothers in a cell,

389. the criminals and the police watching over them.

390. Locked and without food.

391. Then I imagined them working on the fields where the drugs were grown.

392. Hoping to be found.

393. I have also imagined that they were living in another country.

394. I have also imagined that they are now with God.

395. And that they have given me the strength to go on.

396. But where I always see them is with me by my side.

397. I have no hope anymore. It has been so long...

398. I think if she were alive,

399. wouldn't she find a way to contact us?

400. When do you lose hope?

401. I lost it shortly after I came here.

402. Because several times they have said they have found her,

403. or that she was somewhere, but it never fits...

404. There is a lot of horror in the mass graves.

405. We have found bodies that had been burned.

406. We have found a corpse with the mouth open. They were buried alive.

407. The skeletons tell their story.

408. I did not think it could possible, but I've seen 104 corpses.

409. I always said, "What more can you do to the dead if you already killed him?"

410. I have worked at ten in the evening in hopes of finding bodies.

411. I see the city's light and feel worse when I think that their relatives

412. are maybe waiting for us and hoping we would find them alive.

413. The hills are in the highest parts of the city,

414. and you see all the lights.

415. You can hear the sound of the cars that sells cakes and other stuff.

416. It makes me even more terrified...

417. ...knowing that we're too late. We couldn't save them on time.

418. Perhaps we could have saved them if we had come before.

419. Or that we could've died while we were trying to save them.

420. But it would have been better to die while we were trying to save them.

421. You experience so much pain.

422. I often think it's more painful that a relative has disappeared...

423. ...than it's dead.

424. It is a comfort to know that someone is dead.

425. The days pass and the pain will be relieved.

426. But when a relative has disappeared,

427. the pain gets worse for every day that goes.

428. It's worse not to know where the relative is.

429. And I think if we had come before,

430. maybe so many had not been buried.

431. I deserve no compassion, I have never done anything to deserve that. Ever.

432. And if someday I'm about to get killed, so be it. What can I do?

433. I can not stop now. It's not possible. It is too late.

434. - Have you made a picture of it? - Of my life?

435. - Of your death. - My death?

436. There's a saying: "You may taste your own medicine one day."

437. That is what awaits me.

438. - Do you cry sometimes? - Everybody does.

439. - You? - Sometimes I do.

440. Cries of regret.

441. When do you tend to feel regret?

442. When it happens? When you are alone.

443. When you think about what you have done and what you have not done.

444. You think many things. I do.

445. You cry and think of everything they said.

446. From the moment they started until you finished it. That's how it is.

447. The first time I killed, my life changed. It changed everything.

448. It was like a emptiness. When I killed, maybe I also died.

449. I felt nothing anymore.

450. Why did you continue?

451. Because... I felt like I had nothing else.

452. "Now that I've killed what am I going to do now?"

453. "I'll continue with this." My previous life was over.

454. Now this was my life. That's why I just continued.

455. There was not even a thought about it. My life missed any meaning.

456. - I can not explain it. - Could you ask forgiveness?

457. Yes. From the bottom of my heart.

458. I would pray for all the families I have hurt, and ask for forgiveness.

459. I would sincerely request forgiveness.

460. I would ask forgiveness of all my heart.

461. No. I can neither forgive nor forget.

462. I do not think they can be forgiven.

463. - What would give you a sense of justice? - Those who are responsible be punished.

464. Not only those who killed mother, but all.

465. Because we are many who have experienced the same and who suffer from it.

466. Therefore, it was very important that the responsible persons be punished. Just that.

467. I did not think of revenge...

468. ...because it's not part of my beliefs.

469. When I met them, I felt compassion.

470. They turned their faces away and looked down into the ground.

471. I lifted up the boy's face and said, "Look at me. Tell me why!"

472. He just looked down into the ground again. They said nothing, gave no explanation.

473. I felt compassion when I saw them like that.

474. Because they have said they didn't killed them.

475. So I felt some great compassion with them.

476. Yes, I felt hate.

477. You feel anger...

478. ...when you see that there are so many who can not feel anything.

479. They cause so much suffering and continue to live their lives.

480. If you had them in front of you, what would've you done then?

481. I think I would've killed them, tortured them,

482. which I suppose it's what they did exactly with Mom.

483. I would make them feel fear like mother and I felt.

484. How would you make them feel afraid?

485. Well...

486. By making it clear to them that in an instant I

487. would’ve had control over their lives...

488. ...and over their fears and feelings.

489. - Are you scared? - No.

490. I'm still going to meetings to find mom.

491. I am not afraid. On the contrary, it makes me stronger.

492. And then I feel I'm doing something. It gives me the strength to continue.