1. - Hey, David.
- Hey, Joey.Copy !req
2. Your brother's looking for you.Copy !req
3. - Hey.
- Hey, David.Copy !req
4. Where the hell were you?Copy !req
5. - Did you take the truck home again?
- Yeah.Copy !req
6. Pop asked you not to use the meat truck
for personal purposes.Copy !req
7. - Hi, Mom.
- But you did it anyway?Copy !req
8. - Do you have the jerseys for tonight?
- Yes.Copy !req
9. No, no, no, seriously.
Do you have the jerseys for tonight?Copy !req
10. - Yes. Yes, sweetheart, yes.
- Aleksy, hang up.Copy !req
11. Yeah, sweetheart.Copy !req
12. I should never have gotten
this woman pregnant.Copy !req
13. Do not procreate, David.Copy !req
14. Reproduction is a very bad idea.
Do not reproduce, ever.Copy !req
15. Hey, I'm sorry.Copy !req
16. To pay back some money that I owe,Copy !req
17. I've built a little hydroponic
greenhouse in my apartment.Copy !req
18. You're... You're growing pot?Copy !req
19. And you're the only person
I know with a green thumb.Copy !req
20. - And you want me to grow pot?
- Yeah.Copy !req
21. Right. Absolutely.Copy !req
22. That is the one thing missing for me
right now to achieve total happiness.Copy !req
23. Getting into a drug ring.Copy !req
24. Because the pressure of my wife
calling me every three minutesCopy !req
25. because she's about to give birth
to my first child isn't intense enough.Copy !req
26. How much do you owe?Copy !req
27. - Eighty.
- "Eighty"?Copy !req
28. - Eighty thousand.
- Eighty thousand?Copy !req
29. When you say it with that face,
it does make it seem like a lot.Copy !req
30. How do you get yourself
into these situations, David?Copy !req
31. $80,000?Copy !req
32. What happened?
How do you owe someone $80,000?Copy !req
33. I borrowed money to invest in Newtech.Copy !req
34. - That is a pyramid scheme.
- It is not a pyramid scheme.Copy !req
35. - The guy was arrested!
- Those charges were unrelated!Copy !req
36. - He was arrested!
- David.Copy !req
37. You know, David, I love you like a son.Copy !req
38. I am your son.Copy !req
39. Which is why I love you like a son.Copy !req
40. But if you don't have our new jerseys
for tonight's game...Copy !req
41. I have the jerseys.Copy !req
42. You gotta have the jerseys.
It's the team picture.Copy !req
43. I have the jerseys.Copy !req
44. He won't have the jerseys.Copy !req
45. Come on, come on.Copy !req
46. Your loan has been denied.Copy !req
47. But if I don't get the $80,000,Copy !req
48. there's people that
are gonna come and drown me.Copy !req
49. Can you please put that down
on your little form,Copy !req
50. that there's people
that are gonna come drown me?Copy !req
51. You do not have
the necessary collateral.Copy !req
52. That is why we're not
gonna give you any money.Copy !req
53. Basically, then, you're just
a big goddamn pawn shop.Copy !req
54. No, we're not a pawn shop.Copy !req
55. You're a pawn shop with fancy furniture.Copy !req
56. And for all these reasons,
I have to turn down your application.Copy !req
57. I'm very sorry.Copy !req
58. All right. I understand.Copy !req
59. This is a hold-up.Copy !req
60. Excuse me?Copy !req
61. I said, "All right. I understand."Copy !req
62. This is a hold-up, asshole.Copy !req
63. - Excuse me, you just said something.
- No.Copy !req
64. - Just then, you said something.
- No.Copy !req
65. I'm here. I'm David Wozniak.
I'm here to pick up my jerseys.Copy !req
66. - I've been waiting for you.
- I know! I know!Copy !req
67. I'm so sorry,
but my team photo is tonight.Copy !req
68. The whole team
has to have their jerseys,Copy !req
69. it's for the whole year.Copy !req
70. - All right already!
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
71. I really do appreciate it.Copy !req
72. Yes!Copy !req
73. - A bag?
- No.Copy !req
74. Rolling papers?Copy !req
75. I grow tomatoes.Copy !req
76. Hey! It's a delivery truck!
I'm making a delivery.Copy !req
77. You're kidding me, right?Copy !req
78. Yes. I swear I have the jerseys,
on our mother's...Copy !req
79. Yes! On our mother's grave.Copy !req
80. The jerseys are with me
in the truck as we speak.Copy !req
81. Hey! Come on, stop! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
82. You got my jerseys!Copy !req
83. - I know it's late.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
84. But you brought me
such beautiful flowers.Copy !req
85. I did.Copy !req
86. And Mr. Bernstein
takes such great care of them.Copy !req
87. Where have you been, David?Copy !req
88. Emma, I'm sorry.Copy !req
89. I was trying to pay back
some money that I owe.Copy !req
90. I understand,
but why can't you call or text?Copy !req
91. And why can't I come
to your apartment anymore?Copy !req
92. I never said
you couldn't come to my place.Copy !req
93. - Are you hiding something?
- Nothing.Copy !req
94. You're sure you're not hiding
anything in your apartment.Copy !req
95. Nope.Copy !req
96. I'm pregnant.Copy !req
97. That's great.Copy !req
98. Yeah.Copy !req
99. - Emma...
- No.Copy !req
100. You know what? I can...Copy !req
101. I can do this on my own.Copy !req
102. What do you mean, "on your own"?Copy !req
103. I want a child, okay?Copy !req
104. But I don't want a fatherCopy !req
105. who just disappears
because he gets too busy.Copy !req
106. You're unreliable.Copy !req
107. I mean, you've got...
You've got money problems.Copy !req
108. You basically don't have a life.
This is not a life.Copy !req
109. - I have a life.
- You don't have a life.Copy !req
110. People who have a life do not ring
pregnant women's doorbellsCopy !req
111. at 3:00 in the morning.Copy !req
112. I didn't know you were pregnant.Copy !req
113. David, you would know.Copy !req
114. If you just called me
every once in a while.Copy !req
115. I guess...Copy !req
116. I guess at first, for a second there,
I was in shock.Copy !req
117. I mean, you know, it was a shock.Copy !req
118. But then, you know, the...Copy !req
119. That feeling of fear went away,
and I got this feelingCopy !req
120. that this could be the most beautiful
thing that ever happened to me.Copy !req
121. Stevie, no. Hey, Stevie, no!Copy !req
122. Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Go back to bed. Go back to bed.Copy !req
123. Back to bed. Not in the sandbox.Copy !req
124. Hey, where are you going?
No, don't go in the sandbox.Copy !req
125. Not in the sandbox!Copy !req
126. You gotta talk Emma
into getting an abortion.Copy !req
127. - What?
- You have to.Copy !req
128. How could you say such a thing?Copy !req
129. How can you say stuff like that
in front of your children?Copy !req
130. My children know that
they're too old to be aborted.Copy !req
131. I'm realizing that I might want a kid.Copy !req
132. You are a free man.
You do not want kids.Copy !req
133. Kids are a black hole.Copy !req
134. They will suck up all of your energy,
your money, your time, your hair.Copy !req
135. Remember when I had great hair?Copy !req
136. I can't get it up anymore.Copy !req
137. How can you talk like this
in front of your children?Copy !req
138. I can say anything I want
in front of my childrenCopy !req
139. because they don't listen to me.Copy !req
140. My children do not pick up on
the frequencies of my voice.Copy !req
141. And I'm telling you,Copy !req
142. I have a problem
achieving a full erection now.Copy !req
143. It's not normal for a man of my age
to no longer have a nice, big erection.Copy !req
144. Hey, what are you doing?
Listen to me, go back to bed.Copy !req
145. Not in the sandbox.Copy !req
146. Don't get in the sand.
Don't go in the sand!Copy !req
147. - As your friend...
- Daddy?Copy !req
148. No. No, no, no. Hey.Copy !req
149. - Dad.
- Back to bed, honey.Copy !req
150. Daddy.Copy !req
151. I'm trying to have a conversation.
Please stop that.Copy !req
152. - Daddy!
- Okay, stop that now.Copy !req
153. I'm telling you, I think I might want a kid.Copy !req
154. As your friend and as your lawyer,
David, may I be brutally frank with you?Copy !req
155. Sure.Copy !req
156. You don't have the skills
to bring up a child.Copy !req
157. I need order in my life.Copy !req
158. And this is order?Copy !req
159. I think this is beautiful.Copy !req
160. Daddy!Copy !req
161. David Wozniak.Copy !req
162. The back door was already broken into.Copy !req
163. My name is Mark Williams.
I'm an attorney.Copy !req
164. I've been trying to contact you
for several days now, Mr. Wozniak.Copy !req
165. I do not have a great deal of time.Copy !req
166. I shall be brief.Copy !req
167. Between 1991 and 1994,Copy !req
168. you donated sperm under
the pseudonym "Starbuck"Copy !req
169. at the privately-owned
Graboski-Levitt Clinic,Copy !req
170. which I represent.Copy !req
171. No.Copy !req
172. That was not a question,
it was a statement.Copy !req
173. We have all the documents
necessary to prove it.Copy !req
174. Over the course of 33 months,
you were a very, very frequent donor.Copy !req
175. You donated 693 timesCopy !req
176. in exchange for which
you received the sum of $24,255.Copy !req
177. Your sperm is of a very high quality.Copy !req
178. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
179. I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.Copy !req
180. Certain complications arose,
which meant that for a period,Copy !req
181. Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your spermCopy !req
182. to all the women in his clientele.Copy !req
183. You have sired 533 childrenCopy !req
184. and 142 of them
wish to know your identity.Copy !req
185. What?Copy !req
186. You are the biological father
of 533 children.Copy !req
187. At the time of each of
your multiple donations,Copy !req
188. you signed a confidentiality agreement.Copy !req
189. Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic
is obligated to protect your identity.Copy !req
190. But a subset of your childrenCopy !req
191. is contesting the legality
of those documents.Copy !req
192. They wish to know who Starbuck is.Copy !req
193. You say that for each
of the 693 sperm donationsCopy !req
194. you signed a confidentiality agreement
under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"?Copy !req
195. Every time. Always.Copy !req
196. I always signed the
confidentially agreement, always.Copy !req
197. And you signed those documentsCopy !req
198. before or after executing
the manual labor?Copy !req
199. Before.Copy !req
200. And you always
wrestled the dragon alone?Copy !req
201. Yes.Copy !req
202. Frankly, I'm disappointed
you never told me about any of this.Copy !req
203. Usually you call up your
friends after you get laid,Copy !req
204. not after you wrestle the dragon alone.Copy !req
205. But if you absolutely insist,Copy !req
206. I promise you I will phone you
every single time I fly solo.Copy !req
207. That's an interesting offer.
Unfortunately, way too time-consuming.Copy !req
208. Listen, they claim that your
right to privacy should take a back seatCopy !req
209. to their basic human right
to know who their biological father is.Copy !req
210. It's very complex. Very, very complex.Copy !req
211. It's...Copy !req
212. It's really complex.Copy !req
213. Do you know that this is
the dream of every lawyerCopy !req
214. to argue a case this significant?Copy !req
215. A case that will leave its mark?
That will stand as a precedent?Copy !req
216. My mother always said that
I would never amount to anything.Copy !req
217. - I'll show that old bitch.
- What do we do now?Copy !req
218. As your lawyer, I suggest you
cease masturbating in fertility clinics.Copy !req
219. - Do I have to get a real lawyer?
- You can't afford a real lawyer.Copy !req
220. I'm gonna call the Bar Association
today, reactivate my license.Copy !req
221. You don't have a license?Copy !req
222. I lost it because of a small formality.Copy !req
223. Something about a missing dated form
and a bribe. It's nothing.Copy !req
224. Yes, in hopes of persuading
Starbuck to meet with them,Copy !req
225. 142 of the children in your lawsuit
want you to know who they are.Copy !req
226. This envelope contains the profiles
of 142 of your children.Copy !req
227. Do not open it!Copy !req
228. Brett.Copy !req
229. Hey, Starbuck.Copy !req
230. Don't call me that.
Can Susan take the kids?Copy !req
231. When she's not investing
all her energy in her new career,Copy !req
232. she prefers to wisely use her time
sleeping with men I don't like.Copy !req
233. Do you have a babysitter?Copy !req
234. Why, you need someone
to watch over that envelope?Copy !req
235. I know I shouldn't have,
but I've opened it.Copy !req
236. Worst idea ever.Copy !req
237. I picked out one of the profiles.
I just picked one.Copy !req
238. One. Do you know
whose profile I picked?Copy !req
239. Andrew Johansson.Copy !req
240. We got to go.Copy !req
241. What do you got?Copy !req
242. - $225
- $200.Copy !req
243. There he is.Copy !req
244. Let's go, baby. Take it. Take it.Copy !req
245. Come on, 13! Let's go, 13!
Come on, Johansson.Copy !req
246. 13 is wide open! Let's go!Copy !req
247. Andrew Johansson with the three.Copy !req
248. Play defense, play defense,
play defense!Copy !req
249. Play defense, play defense! Yes!
Do you see him? Do you see him?Copy !req
250. He stopped it, he blocked it.
He got right in the lane.Copy !req
251. Did you see him get in the lane?
Did you see 13 get in the lane?Copy !req
252. We got 13, guys.Copy !req
253. Why don't they put him in?
Why don't they put him in?Copy !req
254. The game's almost over.Copy !req
255. Why are they not... They put him in!Copy !req
256. Andrew Johansson.Copy !req
257. Thirteen seconds.Copy !req
258. Okay, set up. He's open,
he's open, he's open.Copy !req
259. Hit him, hit him, hit him!Copy !req
260. Pass it to 13! Pass it to 13!Copy !req
261. Why won't they give it to 13?
Give it to him!Copy !req
262. He's open! Catch it. Got it, got it, got it!Copy !req
263. Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!Copy !req
264. Andrew! Andrew!Copy !req
265. Those were my genes.Copy !req
266. My genes were on a professional
basketball court tonight!Copy !req
267. In a way, you could say that
that was an extension of myselfCopy !req
268. that hit that game-winning shot!Copy !req
269. I mean, do your kids
play professional basketball?Copy !req
270. No, not to my knowledge.
But I will inquire.Copy !req
271. They don't tell me everything.Copy !req
272. So, I've been thinking
that we could plead insanity.Copy !req
273. - What?
- I don't know.Copy !req
274. Maybe you would
not be held responsibleCopy !req
275. for actions taken
while mentally unstable.Copy !req
276. We could bank
on your mental problems.Copy !req
277. I don't have mental problems.Copy !req
278. I don't have mental problems!Copy !req
279. When we're in court,
I want you to say it exactly that way.Copy !req
280. One, two, three, Wozniak!Copy !req
281. Let's go.Copy !req
282. Come on! One, two. One, two. One two.Copy !req
283. Big time, big time, big time!Copy !req
284. Let's play some basketball.Copy !req
285. Come in. Back up, back up!Copy !req
286. Hurry up! Come up, up, up!Copy !req
287. - Are you allowed to hit the arm?
- No.Copy !req
288. Okay. Pick and roll!Copy !req
289. Let's go! Back, back, back! D, D, D!Copy !req
290. Great steal! Here we go, hit me!Copy !req
291. I'm going in for the jam.
Okay, not a jam.Copy !req
292. What the hell position is he playing?Copy !req
293. A little help? Thank you.Copy !req
294. All right. Why don't we
meet up back here at two?Copy !req
295. Emma!Copy !req
296. Give me a second?Copy !req
297. I have officially decided to have a life.Copy !req
298. I'm at work.Copy !req
299. I'm going to convince you
that I deserve to be this kid's father.Copy !req
300. I'm sorry, excuse me.Copy !req
301. Four days in a row,
I have not had any sleep.Copy !req
302. But I've never been so happy in my life.Copy !req
303. I never thought that
I would love anyone that much.Copy !req
304. The kid poops four times a day
and I think I'm losing my mind.Copy !req
305. I think I'm going crazy, because I swearCopy !req
306. his diapers make me so proud.Copy !req
307. I'm totally convinced that my childCopy !req
308. takes way better dumps
than any other kid.Copy !req
309. Your brother wants parental leaveCopy !req
310. so he can spend more time
admiring his son's diapers.Copy !req
311. It's the law, okay?
I'm entitled to parental leave.Copy !req
312. I had three kids, and two hours
after each of them was born,Copy !req
313. I was here, serving customers.Copy !req
314. You absolutely
have to have kids, David.Copy !req
315. What?Copy !req
316. My girlfriend's pregnant.Copy !req
317. You got a girlfriend?Copy !req
318. Yeah.Copy !req
319. David, you're gonna love it.
You are gonna love it.Copy !req
320. Your kid is never gonna poop
as good as my kid,Copy !req
321. but you are gonna love it.Copy !req
322. - Can you believe that?
- No.Copy !req
323. I promise, I will only be gone an hour.Copy !req
324. No, I won't. Look, I've called everyone.Copy !req
325. How many times
have I covered for you?Copy !req
326. Oh, my God, man.Copy !req
327. I'm begging you, man.Copy !req
328. I really, really need
you to do this for me.Copy !req
329. I can't even talk to you.Copy !req
330. Yeah?Copy !req
331. Can I help you?Copy !req
332. I'll have a espresso to go, please.Copy !req
333. I said "to go."Copy !req
334. Is there a lid?Copy !req
335. Do you have a lid?Copy !req
336. Usually, you get a lid
when you order a coffee to go.Copy !req
337. $3.25.Copy !req
338. You could be a bit more polite.Copy !req
339. Polite?Copy !req
340. I'm a customer.Copy !req
341. You're a barista.Copy !req
342. Would it be possible
to act in a polite manner?Copy !req
343. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
344. I'm talking about a little
"please" and "thank you."Copy !req
345. - A little thank you.
- Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
346. Is that not considered cool
by your generation anymore?Copy !req
347. Who the hell are you, man?Copy !req
348. I'm just saying
if you smiled a little more,Copy !req
349. maybe there would be
more people in here.Copy !req
350. If you want to be a waiter...Copy !req
351. Well, there's the thing.
I don't want to be a waiter.Copy !req
352. I'm an actor.Copy !req
353. I am an actor missing the opportunity
of a lifetime right now.Copy !req
354. And you, because you give me
three bucks and a quarter,Copy !req
355. you want me to smile?Copy !req
356. You want me to smile when I am
totally pissing away my life?Copy !req
357. It doesn't have to be a big smile.Copy !req
358. Okay.Copy !req
359. Have a nice day.Copy !req
360. Good afternoon.Copy !req
361. I'll take care of the coffee shop.Copy !req
362. Yes or no?Copy !req
363. Customers come in sometimes.Copy !req
364. It isn't always empty.
I can't leave you with the shop.Copy !req
365. But it's the role of a lifetime.Copy !req
366. Yeah, and how do I know
you won't just walk off with the cash?Copy !req
367. You can leave with my truck
full of meat.Copy !req
368. And why would you do this?Copy !req
369. Satisfaction of knowing
that you helped someoneCopy !req
370. make something of themself.Copy !req
371. Bring it back without a scratch.Copy !req
372. Okay. People might come in.Copy !req
373. I can figure out
how to make a cup of coffee.Copy !req
374. All right. Okay.Copy !req
375. Thanks.Copy !req
376. It is total chaos
in the meat market today, David.Copy !req
377. And you decide to disappear?Copy !req
378. In the whole family business,Copy !req
379. you know you've got
the easiest job, right?Copy !req
380. And in spite of having the simplest job,
you manage to do the job badly!Copy !req
381. It's like every day you find a new wayCopy !req
382. to push back the frontiers
of incompetence!Copy !req
383. There are only two components
to your chosen occupation.Copy !req
384. Get meat, deliver meat.Copy !req
385. That's not what I ordered.Copy !req
386. It's free.Copy !req
387. Take it, it's free.Copy !req
388. You're no longer a "deliverer."
You're more of a "keeper."Copy !req
389. Why is our truck still full of meat? Why?Copy !req
390. Why have you only taken
our meat out for a drive?Copy !req
391. - Yeah?
- I'll have...Copy !req
392. Tell me who you are
before I call the cops.Copy !req
393. I'm the waiter.Copy !req
394. I'm the owner.Copy !req
395. I do the hiring here.Copy !req
396. Josh got called in for
the audition of a lifetime.Copy !req
397. Fine. He can look for another job, then.Copy !req
398. Sir, it was the audition of a lifetime.Copy !req
399. That's not the problem.Copy !req
400. What's the problem?Copy !req
401. He's not a good actor.
He has never been cast.Copy !req
402. Never.Copy !req
403. He's a good kid,
but he's wasting his life.Copy !req
404. He's fired.Copy !req
405. Look, this whole thing was my idea.Copy !req
406. So, I guess it's your fault
if he can't pay his rent.Copy !req
407. I lost my job?Copy !req
408. You lost your job.Copy !req
409. I got the part.Copy !req
410. You got the part?Copy !req
411. Yeah, they loved me.Copy !req
412. You got the part?Copy !req
413. As of today, I'm an actor.Copy !req
414. - Congratulations, man!
- Thanks.Copy !req
415. Thanks, man. Thanks.Copy !req
416. Wow!Copy !req
417. I knew it! I knew you were
gonna bail on me.Copy !req
418. How the hell am I
supposed to pay the rent?Copy !req
419. Okay, wait. No, no, wait! Wait!Copy !req
420. The cash is on the table.
I'm four dollars short.Copy !req
421. Peter, you owe me money.Copy !req
422. No, you owe me money!Copy !req
423. Okay, so then, what are
you gonna do about it?Copy !req
424. You told me June.Copy !req
425. Tell me, what am
I supposed to do now, huh?Copy !req
426. Tell me!
What am I supposed to do now?Copy !req
427. Miss, don't worry about the money.Copy !req
428. You won your pizza.Copy !req
429. Yeah, you won the contest.Copy !req
430. You won our...Copy !req
431. You won our "Eat and Win" contest.Copy !req
432. I don't know what you want,
but this is not a good time.Copy !req
433. I'm not doing too well right now,
so can you leave my apartment?Copy !req
434. Yes.Copy !req
435. Yes, absolutely.Copy !req
436. I'm about to call the police!Copy !req
437. No. No need for that at all.Copy !req
438. It's only that I can see that
you're not doing very well,Copy !req
439. and we have a policyCopy !req
440. that's very, very, very strictCopy !req
441. in the condition in which
we can leave our customers.Copy !req
442. Here at...Copy !req
443. At Rocco's Pizzeria,
we believe in a more humane pizza.Copy !req
444. So, is everything okay?Copy !req
445. Miss?Copy !req
446. Shit!Copy !req
447. Okay, okay, you're okay, you're okay.
You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.Copy !req
448. Miss. Miss!Copy !req
449. - Kristen?
- Miss!Copy !req
450. Let go of me!Copy !req
451. Kristen! Kristen!Copy !req
452. Excuse me, and who are you?Copy !req
453. Are you ashamed to say
you're my father?Copy !req
454. No.Copy !req
455. May I have a word with you?Copy !req
456. Yes.Copy !req
457. The good news is that for the moment,Copy !req
458. we just happen to have a spot
open in our rehab program.Copy !req
459. The bad news is that your daughterCopy !req
460. seems totally uninterested
in the program.Copy !req
461. Since she is still a minor,
it's your decision.Copy !req
462. - I'm not...
- It's a very good program.Copy !req
463. We've gotten great results.Copy !req
464. I'll talk to her.Copy !req
465. Hi.Copy !req
466. How are you?Copy !req
467. Please sign the release.Copy !req
468. Look, I don't know who you are, but...Copy !req
469. I'm begging you, sign the papers.Copy !req
470. - They have a great program here.
- I can stop on my own.Copy !req
471. I mean, I just had the scare of my life!Copy !req
472. - Please sign the papers.
- I think the program is...Copy !req
473. No, if I do the program
then I'm gonna be surroundedCopy !req
474. 24 hours a day by addicts.Copy !req
475. And I guarantee, I will relapse.Copy !req
476. People don't stop using
in these programs.Copy !req
477. They stop when they wanna stop.Copy !req
478. - They will help you.
- They'll lock me up.Copy !req
479. And I'll lose my job. I just...Copy !req
480. I just got this great jobCopy !req
481. and I have nothing in my life
besides this job.Copy !req
482. - I'll talk to the...
- Thank you.Copy !req
483. I'm going to sign the release.Copy !req
484. Worst decision that you'll ever make.Copy !req
485. She says she'll be happy.Copy !req
486. Right now she doesn't
need to be happy.Copy !req
487. She needs to stop using.Copy !req
488. And she will.Copy !req
489. Do you love your daughter?Copy !req
490. I do.Copy !req
491. Tell her. Go tell her that you love her.Copy !req
492. And tell her that you will
not sign that release.Copy !req
493. Where do you work?Copy !req
494. Bloomingdale's.Copy !req
495. - You're okay for tonight?
- Yes.Copy !req
496. - And you got my number.
- Yeah.Copy !req
497. - Great. You start work tomorrow at...
- 8:00.Copy !req
498. - Okay. And you'll be there at 8:00?
- 8:00.Copy !req
499. Okay.Copy !req
500. Well...Copy !req
501. In my life, I have a tendencyCopy !req
502. to make very, very, very bad decisions.Copy !req
503. Tell me that I haven't just
made another wrong decision.Copy !req
504. You haven't.Copy !req
505. Thanks.Copy !req
506. Oh, man.Copy !req
507. Yes.Copy !req
508. Yes!Copy !req
509. Thank you, thank you. Yes!Copy !req
510. I've never even tried that.Copy !req
511. When you do it,
it's different than regular Pilates?Copy !req
512. That is why notable
notorious Americans,Copy !req
513. such as Roger Morris,
George Washington,Copy !req
514. Eliza Jumel and Aaron Burr...Copy !req
515. I'm a writer, too. I like to write.Copy !req
516. - Oh, that's awesome.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
517. - You hold me still.
- Taxi!Copy !req
518. All right.Copy !req
519. Yeah.Copy !req
520. Grab my hand.Copy !req
521. - Just watch me dance.
- Okay.Copy !req
522. Here, just take it.Copy !req
523. Wow! Okay, thanks!Copy !req
524. How about hitting this guy up?Copy !req
525. Yeah! Do you feel that?Copy !req
526. have all called the
Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."Copy !req
527. - Nice!
- Thank you.Copy !req
528. - Exciting.
- Thank you.Copy !req
529. It's all right.Copy !req
530. No, no. Okay.Copy !req
531. Okay, okay!Copy !req
532. Hey, come on, buddy,Copy !req
533. what are you doing?
You never see a girl before?Copy !req
534. Wow.Copy !req
535. Honestly, really? Just keep walking.Copy !req
536. That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Shorty!Copy !req
537. Hello, Ice Queen!Copy !req
538. Hey, Ice Queen,
I need a hand over here.Copy !req
539. Hey, I need a hand right here!Copy !req
540. Did you say "Ice Queen"?Copy !req
541. - Did you actually say "Ice Queen"?
- Yeah.Copy !req
542. Don't say that!Copy !req
543. Don't say stuff like that!Copy !req
544. All right.Copy !req
545. all called the Roger
Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."Copy !req
546. Yeah! Yeah!
Was that unbelievable? Unbelievable!Copy !req
547. Don't forget the money, guys.Copy !req
548. And everything became clear.Copy !req
549. I had kind of an epiphany.Copy !req
550. I cannot be the father of 533 children.Copy !req
551. It's not possible.Copy !req
552. It is impossible to be
the father of 533 children.Copy !req
553. It is impossible to be
the father of four children.Copy !req
554. Right! Exactly. It's impossible.Copy !req
555. But I can be their guardian angel.Copy !req
556. Their guardian angel?Copy !req
557. They need me.
They need a guardian angel.Copy !req
558. They need someone
to look out for them.Copy !req
559. And I fathered them,
so it's my responsibility.Copy !req
560. So, you're telling me that
your purpose on Earth is to look out for,Copy !req
561. like a superhero, 533 children.Copy !req
562. I didn't say "superhero."Copy !req
563. Out of curiosity,Copy !req
564. when you're looking out
for these children,Copy !req
565. will you be wearing any kind of cape?Copy !req
566. I didn't say "superhero."
I said "guardian angel."Copy !req
567. So, no cape, but you will have
wings and play the harp.Copy !req
568. I'm starting to feel more
and more comfortableCopy !req
569. with this insanity plea.Copy !req
570. I do not have mental problems.Copy !req
571. Say it exactly like that to the judge.Copy !req
572. Thanks.Copy !req
573. Hey, there.Copy !req
574. So, today is the first ultrasound.Copy !req
575. David, look, I need... I need a friend.Copy !req
576. - I'm a friend.
- I want that to be clear.Copy !req
577. It's clear.Copy !req
578. Okay, well, let's get going.Copy !req
579. I drank a gallon of waterCopy !req
580. and I'm not allowed to pee
before the ultrasound.Copy !req
581. - So, is that the leg there?
- That is.Copy !req
582. Which one? Which one's the leg?Copy !req
583. The white spot that you see.Copy !req
584. - And is that the head up high?
- That is the head up high.Copy !req
585. - Okay.
- And we're gonna see the arm.Copy !req
586. - That's amazing.
- Isn't it?Copy !req
587. So, now all the organs are okay?Copy !req
588. Yep. Perfect.Copy !req
589. I just passed by the baby's head.
And there's the belly.Copy !req
590. My God, do you see the belly?Copy !req
591. And there's the whole baby.Copy !req
592. That's incredible.Copy !req
593. David, I'm not sure.Copy !req
594. Not sure of what?Copy !req
595. Look at them. They're monsters.Copy !req
596. I mean, look at that one. Look at him.Copy !req
597. Emma.Copy !req
598. This is the most absolute beautiful thing
that can happen to anyone.Copy !req
599. Who are you? The Dalai Lama?Copy !req
600. What do you mean,
"the most beautiful thing"?Copy !req
601. And look at that one.
He's eating his own booger.Copy !req
602. It's a great source of protein.Copy !req
603. Listen.Copy !req
604. You are going to be a good mother.Copy !req
605. So, here's what.Copy !req
606. Since I absolutely
do not trust you at all...Copy !req
607. What I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna declare you the father.Copy !req
608. - Yes!
- No, David, wait.Copy !req
609. I'm gonna declare you
the father on probation.Copy !req
610. - "Father on probation"?
- Yeah. You get no slack.Copy !req
611. For how long?Copy !req
612. Forever.Copy !req
613. Will our child have to call me
"Daddy On Probation"?Copy !req
614. No.Copy !req
615. Will I have to wear a uniformCopy !req
616. that will separate me
from the regular daddies?Copy !req
617. - No.
- Then, I accept.Copy !req
618. We're having a kid. We're having a kid!Copy !req
619. Yes.Copy !req
620. Your name?Copy !req
621. - Earl Monroe.
- And you are?Copy !req
622. A friend.Copy !req
623. He's over there.Copy !req
624. Great.Copy !req
625. Thank you.Copy !req
626. You're not going to visit with him?Copy !req
627. No. I...Copy !req
628. I just wanted to stop by
and see him, and...Copy !req
629. - Well, now I have, so...
- He would really enjoy it.Copy !req
630. Yeah, but...Copy !req
631. Don't worry, just say
whatever comes to mind.Copy !req
632. Hey, Ryan.Copy !req
633. One, two, three.Copy !req
634. Earl Monroe.Copy !req
635. You did good.Copy !req
636. I said nothing the whole time.Copy !req
637. I couldn't get a word out.Copy !req
638. You were there. You did really good.Copy !req
639. Okay.Copy !req
640. Great.Copy !req
641. Sabrina!Copy !req
642. Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
643. - You are late.
- I know, I'm sorry.Copy !req
644. Thank you very much.Copy !req
645. Excuse me.Copy !req
646. Sorry.Copy !req
647. Excuse me.Copy !req
648. Look, if we really want
to find out who Starbuck is,Copy !req
649. we need these guys to help us
put together the strategyCopy !req
650. to make sure that this thing
doesn't turn into a circus.Copy !req
651. - We don't have the money.
- We can do it on our own.Copy !req
652. The objective wouldn't be
to always have them there.Copy !req
653. I think if we just take the time
to check out what they've proposed...Copy !req
654. I simply wanted to express the factCopy !req
655. that I feel we were better off
without them.Copy !req
656. Yes, gentleman in the blue.Copy !req
657. Do you have a comment?Copy !req
658. I just want to say that...Copy !req
659. I don't know all of you here.Copy !req
660. But...Copy !req
661. But you're all focused, a lot,Copy !req
662. on finding Starbuck.Copy !req
663. But, whatever happens,Copy !req
664. you're all brothers and sisters.Copy !req
665. You've all found one another.Copy !req
666. - Hey!
- Hey!Copy !req
667. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
668. What are you doing here?Copy !req
669. I'm... Yeah... You know, I'm...Copy !req
670. I'm the father.Copy !req
671. I'm the adoptive father.
I'm Ryan's adoptive father.Copy !req
672. - Ryan?
- He's not here tonight.Copy !req
673. He's at a home for the disabled.Copy !req
674. He's disabled,
and he just couldn't make it.Copy !req
675. - Hey!
- Hey.Copy !req
676. Kristen. This is...Copy !req
677. - Taylor.
- Yeah. Taylor saved my life.Copy !req
678. He saved my life at the pool.
He's a lifeguard.Copy !req
679. And I'm the adoptive father of Ryan,Copy !req
680. and he couldn't be here,
because he's handicapped.Copy !req
681. You're the father of one of the children?Copy !req
682. - Adoptive.
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
683. - How's it going?
- Hey, hey, hey, Josh!Copy !req
684. Yeah.Copy !req
685. - Josh, this is Taylor, and this is Kristen.
- How's it going?Copy !req
686. Josh worked at a coffee shop,
and he is now an actor.Copy !req
687. Josh, this is Taylor.Copy !req
688. Taylor is a lifeguard.
He saved my life a few months ago.Copy !req
689. And this is Kristen. Orders pizza.
She is also an ex-drug addict.Copy !req
690. And I'm the adoptive fatherCopy !req
691. of a young disabled man
who couldn't be here.Copy !req
692. And his name is Ryan.Copy !req
693. Hey, you're the guy from the park.Copy !req
694. - Hey.
- How are you?Copy !req
695. Great.Copy !req
696. Josh, Kristen and Taylor.Copy !req
697. - Hey.
- How are you?Copy !req
698. What's up? Adam.Copy !req
699. Kristen has got a great job,
and she's still...Copy !req
700. Yep, I'm still working at Bloomingdale's.Copy !req
701. So the job, which is great.
Everyone's doing great.Copy !req
702. And I'm the adoptive father
of a disabled...Copy !req
703. Young disabled man.Copy !req
704. Ryan, who was obviously...Copy !req
705. Unfortunately, was in conflict
with some of the disabled daysCopy !req
706. of doing the activities and
stuff that we're involved in.Copy !req
707. So, I got the stuff for him.
I gotta run out of here.Copy !req
708. But everyone looks good.Copy !req
709. - Good to see you.
- Great. Great to see you.Copy !req
710. Taxi!Copy !req
711. As of tonight, you are officially part of
a mass action lawsuit against yourself.Copy !req
712. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
713. A bit of reconnaissance work.
What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
714. I was following one of my kids...Copy !req
715. But why are you doing this?
Who does things like that?Copy !req
716. I don't know, I was curious.Copy !req
717. - Stop!
- Stop what?Copy !req
718. Stop everything for the rest of your life.Copy !req
719. Every time you have an idea,
I want you to come to me,Copy !req
720. and as your friend,
I will shoot your idea down.Copy !req
721. You're not a normal person, David.Copy !req
722. I am a normal person.Copy !req
723. David, we've known each other
for 20 years.Copy !req
724. I can tell you for a fact,
you are not normal.Copy !req
725. I'm very normal.Copy !req
726. Really?Copy !req
727. - What about Mariouka?
- I don't see the point...Copy !req
728. Five years ago,Copy !req
729. you married a Russian woman
that you had never met.Copy !req
730. She needed to get into the country,Copy !req
731. and she promised to clean
my apartment for a year.Copy !req
732. And she disappeared after three days
with her real husband.Copy !req
733. David, how much money
did you lose importing Cuban cigars?Copy !req
734. That guy looked very honest.Copy !req
735. He was in his bathing suit!Copy !req
736. Since when does anybody do business
with a man in his bathing suit?Copy !req
737. Listen, for the first time in my life,
I think I'm doing the right thing.Copy !req
738. You're not doing the right thing.Copy !req
739. Stop seeing your kids!Copy !req
740. Where's our money?Copy !req
741. I'll get it! I said I'll get it.Copy !req
742. It's now $100,000.Copy !req
743. So, I really need you
to lend me some cash.Copy !req
744. Tony. It's David. Yeah...Copy !req
745. Hello?Copy !req
746. Phil! Buddy, how are you?Copy !req
747. Rob!Copy !req
748. Nelson!Copy !req
749. All right, don't worry, man. I understand.Copy !req
750. No, no. I'll catch you soon.Copy !req
751. Hello, David Wozniak.Copy !req
752. All the profiles.Copy !req
753. And I saw on your overdue bills
that your name is David Wozniak.Copy !req
754. I was sitting behind you at the hotel.Copy !req
755. My name is Viggo.Copy !req
756. I'm your biological son.Copy !req
757. Are you gonna expose me?Copy !req
758. I don't know.Copy !req
759. I don't even really know
why I ever wanted to meet you.Copy !req
760. Who are you?Copy !req
761. What do you do for a living?Copy !req
762. I work at a meat store.Copy !req
763. I'm a vegetarian.Copy !req
764. So, you murder animals.Copy !req
765. No. I deliver the meat.Copy !req
766. I don't murder it.Copy !req
767. I chauffeur it around.Copy !req
768. Leo Tolstoy says that,Copy !req
769. "If a man earnestly seeks
a righteous life,Copy !req
770. "his first act of abstinence
is from animal food."Copy !req
771. I did not know that.Copy !req
772. Sir Thomas More said,Copy !req
773. "The Utopians feel that
slaughtering our fellow creaturesCopy !req
774. "gradually destroys
the sense of compassionCopy !req
775. "which is the finest sentiment
of which our human nature is capable."Copy !req
776. That's interesting.Copy !req
777. Can we keep this our secret?Copy !req
778. Can I stay here a few days?Copy !req
779. I need to get to know you.Copy !req
780. It has only been two weeks,
and he has become unbearable.Copy !req
781. Again this morning,
he called me three times.Copy !req
782. That's three times this morning.
He's taking up all of my time.Copy !req
783. Do whatever he wants.
We can't let him expose you.Copy !req
784. Long conversations.Copy !req
785. Long, like police interrogations.
He feels the need to bond.Copy !req
786. Do whatever he wants,
or he will expose you.Copy !req
787. He wants to point out books
that are so dense and so esotericCopy !req
788. that it's impossible
to make heads or tails of it.Copy !req
789. And then he'll twist it
and ask if I agree with it,Copy !req
790. and then, he'll use it to prove
that somehow I'm full of shit.Copy !req
791. I'm not having conversations
with him, Brett.Copy !req
792. I'm in a chess game that
I don't realize that I'm in.Copy !req
793. And it's exhausting. It's draining.Copy !req
794. No.Copy !req
795. - Answer it.
- No!Copy !req
796. You have to answer it.
Anything he wants.Copy !req
797. Hey, I got you a kale salad.Copy !req
798. You got me a what?Copy !req
799. Kale salad.Copy !req
800. I'm kidding.Copy !req
801. I got you a triple monster burger.Copy !req
802. Yes, please.Copy !req
803. Hey, should you be painting like this?Copy !req
804. Because I can do this.Copy !req
805. I can do the painting. I'm happy to do it.Copy !req
806. Thank you for being here.Copy !req
807. I'm glad I'm here.Copy !req
808. - But I'm excited to do the painting.
- Yeah?Copy !req
809. From now on, let me do the painting.Copy !req
810. - All right.
- Okay.Copy !req
811. I got you some French fries.Copy !req
812. - You got French fries, too?
- Yes.Copy !req
813. And there might be
something else in there.Copy !req
814. Really?Copy !req
815. A little treat?Copy !req
816. You got me two burgers!Copy !req
817. So, I'm trying to cancel
tomorrow night with EmmaCopy !req
818. and I think I can get off a bit early,
so we can do whatever.Copy !req
819. Whatever you want.
Tomorrow night will be Viggo's choice.Copy !req
820. All right, I'm off.Copy !req
821. Good game, David.Copy !req
822. Everything okay?Copy !req
823. Yeah.Copy !req
824. You want to play?Copy !req
825. Yeah!Copy !req
826. All right. Come on,
get your stuff. Let's go.Copy !req
827. We gotta hurry.
Careful, careful, careful.Copy !req
828. Do you have any sweatpants,
or anything?Copy !req
829. No.Copy !req
830. You don't want to wear that stuff.
It's not a nightclub, Viggo.Copy !req
831. Do you have any shorts for me?Copy !req
832. I don't think my shorts are gonna fit you.Copy !req
833. Like this.Copy !req
834. What?Copy !req
835. Up there.Copy !req
836. Dribble, dribble, dribble.Copy !req
837. Oh, my...Copy !req
838. You just gotta dribble.
You gotta dribble.Copy !req
839. So, you just... You just dribble.Copy !req
840. Dribble, dribble!
You gotta dribble! You gotta...Copy !req
841. Why doesn't he dribble?Copy !req
842. David, you absolutely have
to be there next Saturday.Copy !req
843. Everybody's gonna be there.Copy !req
844. Actually, I have plans
next Saturday with Emma.Copy !req
845. But you were the one who came up
with this whole conceptCopy !req
846. of brothers and sisters
finding one another.Copy !req
847. Yeah, I understand, but I
already have plans with Emma.Copy !req
848. Anyway, I spend a heck
of a lot of time with you.Copy !req
849. You know, I also have a real family.Copy !req
850. Family.Copy !req
851. You said "real family."Copy !req
852. - No.
- You... You...Copy !req
853. Just because you decided
to turn the pageCopy !req
854. on that period of your life
doesn't mean we don't exist.Copy !req
855. We exist. We exist for real.
We're also your real family.Copy !req
856. Viggo.Copy !req
857. Viggo!Copy !req
858. All I'm saying is,
I hope that you're happy.Copy !req
859. I hope you realize that I had
to lie to Emma to be here.Copy !req
860. That I lied to the woman
carrying my child.Copy !req
861. Your "real" child.Copy !req
862. Viggo, we have talked
about the incident a lot.Copy !req
863. I don't think we need to continue
to dwell on our little misunderstanding.Copy !req
864. I am here. Do you see that I'm here?Copy !req
865. Do you see that I am here?Copy !req
866. - With your fake kids.
- Fake?Copy !req
867. Fake? Viggo, what the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
868. I mean, if we're not real, what are we?Copy !req
869. - Nietzsche said...
- Screw Nietzsch-ka!Copy !req
870. Screw Kindergarten!Copy !req
871. "Kierkegaard."Copy !req
872. I think it's this way.Copy !req
873. Screw Nietzsche! Screw Kierkegaard!Copy !req
874. And screw... The...Copy !req
875. You can't even come up with one more.
That's it, you're done at two.Copy !req
876. Look, screw all of those dudes.
None of those guys had 533 real kids.Copy !req
877. Did you bring me here to expose me?Copy !req
878. No.Copy !req
879. I want to keep you all to myself.Copy !req
880. All right!Copy !req
881. You all right?Copy !req
882. - Put these next to the grill, here.
- Next to the grill.Copy !req
883. Special recipe.Copy !req
884. It's a secret family recipe,
but you'll like this.Copy !req
885. Wow!Copy !req
886. Do you see what happens
when the tofu hits the grill?Copy !req
887. Nothing.Copy !req
888. Exactly what happens when
the tofu hits our taste buds.Copy !req
889. Okay. Get in nice and tight.Copy !req
890. All right, we got one more. Get in close.Copy !req
891. - All right.
- Can I get in?Copy !req
892. All right.Copy !req
893. Okay, everybody, just scooch in.
Get as close as you can.Copy !req
894. Okay, on the left.
Can you move in just a little?Copy !req
895. All right. Say, "Cheese."Copy !req
896. Cheese!Copy !req
897. And I'm real, real goneCopy !req
898. Got me down to the very marrowCopy !req
899. Don't you know I need your helpCopy !req
900. You're a friend of mineCopy !req
901. And I'm real, real goneCopy !req
902. Hey. This is Ryan.Copy !req
903. - Hey, Ryan.
- What's up, Ryan?Copy !req
904. - Hey, Ryan.
- Hi.Copy !req
905. That was the best, right?Copy !req
906. I had a great time.Copy !req
907. So... I guess this is it.Copy !req
908. Have a great day.Copy !req
909. Ryan?Copy !req
910. Could I just have a... Just... Thanks.Copy !req
911. I...Copy !req
912. I just wanted to... I wanted to tell you...Copy !req
913. I'm your father.Copy !req
914. Okay.Copy !req
915. So...Copy !req
916. You'll keep seeing more of me.Copy !req
917. That was a fun weekend. Okay.Copy !req
918. You seem way too relaxed.Copy !req
919. This is a great moment for me.Copy !req
920. It's a new stage in our relationship.Copy !req
921. No.Copy !req
922. - No?
- No.Copy !req
923. It's really important that you know
there is no truth in anythingCopy !req
924. they are going to say about me. None.Copy !req
925. You must understand,
they love to humiliate me.Copy !req
926. They're monsters. Really.Copy !req
927. - They are monsters.
- Okay.Copy !req
928. I want to propose a toast to Emma.Copy !req
929. Because I think it's important
that you know that this...Copy !req
930. - Rite of passage.
- Rite of passage.Copy !req
931. Well, it's not just about
humiliating David.Copy !req
932. Although, it is one of the objectives.Copy !req
933. And if we have exposed David's past
to the harsh light of day...Copy !req
934. Well, I think it's important,Copy !req
935. because you gotta know
what you're getting into.Copy !req
936. And now that you know all this...Copy !req
937. I have some more pictures.Copy !req
938. Not Sniper.Copy !req
939. Sniper?Copy !req
940. It was his rock band.
They wore a lot of makeup.Copy !req
941. It was the '80s.
Everybody wore makeup.Copy !req
942. I didn't wear makeup in the '80s.Copy !req
943. But look, now that all this is known...Copy !req
944. I think it's also very
important for you to knowCopy !req
945. that the Wozniaks have had
some wonderful timesCopy !req
946. - and some hard times.
- No.Copy !req
947. Dad?Copy !req
948. When my wife and I were newlyweds,Copy !req
949. we always dreamed of
having a honeymoon in Italy.Copy !req
950. But we didn't have much money.Copy !req
951. Then we had children.Copy !req
952. We told ourselves,
someday, when we're old.Copy !req
953. But time passed.Copy !req
954. You have to make
the most of the present.Copy !req
955. Do you all make
the most of the present?Copy !req
956. Yes.Copy !req
957. Yes, Dad. We make
the most of the present.Copy !req
958. When my wife fell ill,Copy !req
959. David came over one day
with plane tickets to Venice.Copy !req
960. He had seen to everything.Copy !req
961. The hotel near Doge's Palace,
the gondolas.Copy !req
962. Then later, our three sons
flew over and joined us.Copy !req
963. We had a big family dinner
near St. Mark's Square.Copy !req
964. David paid for everything.Copy !req
965. David...Copy !req
966. He does things like that.Copy !req
967. If you are able to live
with his countless faults,Copy !req
968. you will also live through
some marvelous times.Copy !req
969. Let us pray.Copy !req
970. - No.
- Come on. Dad, please.Copy !req
971. - Let's drink.
- Yes.Copy !req
972. Your father is adorable.Copy !req
973. Yeah.Copy !req
974. I can't believe you brought
your whole family to Venice.Copy !req
975. How did you pay for that?Copy !req
976. I had money.Copy !req
977. When you were 20?Copy !req
978. - Yeah.
- Wow.Copy !req
979. What kind of job did you have
that would pay for a trip to Venice?Copy !req
980. It was a manual-labor type job.Copy !req
981. That was an awesome meal.Copy !req
982. Almost.Copy !req
983. All right, let's bring it.
Open the flood gates, here.Copy !req
984. Have fun. Okay, have
a good day at school, guys.Copy !req
985. Have a good time.Copy !req
986. It's okay to like recess. How are you?
Look at these angels.Copy !req
987. My man, how you feeling?
Have fun, buddy.Copy !req
988. Coffee? Toast? Eggs?Copy !req
989. - No.
- How was your weekend?Copy !req
990. - Relaxing.
- Good.Copy !req
991. Very relaxed.Copy !req
992. Dinner with the family.Copy !req
993. And I read.Copy !req
994. Lord of the Rings.Copy !req
995. That you lie to your girlfriend,
that's par for the course.Copy !req
996. Untruthfulness is the basis
of a good, strong relationship.Copy !req
997. But I'm not your girlfriend, David.Copy !req
998. So, before you tell me
that you spent the weekendCopy !req
999. with Frodo and Gandalf
and Bilbo Baggins,Copy !req
1000. why don't you go ahead
and take a look at this?Copy !req
1001. Well, as you can attest,Copy !req
1002. the reporter won't be winning any prizes
for his journalistic skills.Copy !req
1003. But apparently, his story
was picked up by CNNCopy !req
1004. and Fox, and even the BBC.Copy !req
1005. Which means,
when you go to bed tonight,Copy !req
1006. four or five billion people will be asking,
"Who the fuck is Starbuck?"Copy !req
1007. Now tell me, is this good news for us?Copy !req
1008. Does this augur well for our trial?Copy !req
1009. Is this the type of situation
over which we can regain control?Copy !req
1010. The answer is yes.Copy !req
1011. Now, we go on the offensive.Copy !req
1012. A countersuit.
We, too, are going to sue the clinic.Copy !req
1013. What for?Copy !req
1014. Substantial punitive damages.Copy !req
1015. It's the clinic's duty not to do anything
to jeopardize your anonymity.Copy !req
1016. By overusing your donations,
they have given rise to a substantial,Copy !req
1017. well-funded challenge
to your anonymityCopy !req
1018. which has now generated
extensive media coverage.Copy !req
1019. I mean, you should hear the stuff
that people are saying about Starbuck.Copy !req
1020. What are they saying about Starbuck?Copy !req
1021. Terrible things. But it's good.Copy !req
1022. It's fine, because our countersuit...Copy !req
1023. David, your debt problems will go away.Copy !req
1024. We're going after big, big money.Copy !req
1025. It is all over Twitter,
it is all over the net.Copy !req
1026. No way is this guy
coming out of the closet.Copy !req
1027. No way!Copy !req
1028. At work, every meeting you go into,
no matter what you say,Copy !req
1029. everyone will always be thinking,
"Hey, it's El Masturbator."Copy !req
1030. Five hundred and thirty-three kids!
He's donated 693 times!Copy !req
1031. Boy, this guy was making money
hand over fist. I can't believe it.Copy !req
1032. Anyway, listen. He went by
the code name "Starbuck."Copy !req
1033. "Starbuck"?Copy !req
1034. I think "Chock full o'Nuts"
would have been more like it.Copy !req
1035. "Chock full o'Nuts"
would have been better.Copy !req
1036. You should read some of these tweets.Copy !req
1037. The last kid was an accident.Copy !req
1038. I guess he was watching
a rerun of Baywatch,Copy !req
1039. and it just happened.Copy !req
1040. I had no idea this could
actually be a job.Copy !req
1041. I mean, I knew it could be a hobby.Copy !req
1042. What do you think about
all this "Starbuck" business?Copy !req
1043. Oh, it's horrible.Copy !req
1044. What's horrible?Copy !req
1045. It's horrible. You don't think
it's absolutely horrible?Copy !req
1046. - I don't know.
- What was he thinking?Copy !req
1047. Well, he obviously wasn't thinking
that they would use his sperm so much.Copy !req
1048. And he obviously wasn't thinkingCopy !req
1049. that they would choose
his profile so often.Copy !req
1050. May I help you?Copy !req
1051. Yeah, do you have a stroller
for 533 children?Copy !req
1052. - No.
- No. No.Copy !req
1053. He doesn't.Copy !req
1054. Because it's not normal
to have 533 children.Copy !req
1055. It's not normal.Copy !req
1056. Viggo, where the hell are you going?Copy !req
1057. - I don't know.
- It goes in the back.Copy !req
1058. - In the back.
- Okay.Copy !req
1059. Hey, David.Copy !req
1060. Your brothers are in the office.
They want to see you.Copy !req
1061. They wanted 100 grand! 100 grand?Copy !req
1062. I mean, Pop didn't have it.
So they tried to drown him!Copy !req
1063. What were you thinking?Copy !req
1064. Tell me, David, what were you thinking?Copy !req
1065. Get the cash, David. Get the cash!Copy !req
1066. Unbelievable!Copy !req
1067. - Dad, listen.
- Go away, David.Copy !req
1068. Go away.Copy !req
1069. Let's...Copy !req
1070. Let's do the countersuit.Copy !req
1071. Excellent. Excellent.Copy !req
1072. - Come on in.
- All right.Copy !req
1073. What would happen if we no longer
respected these types of agreements?Copy !req
1074. Nothing less than
an unlimited quantity of chaos.Copy !req
1075. Custody battles.Copy !req
1076. Possible intrusions
upon happy families.Copy !req
1077. And this, on either party's side.Copy !req
1078. Mothers showing up
on donors' doorsteps.Copy !req
1079. And donors suddenly
wanting visitation rights,Copy !req
1080. wanting to partake in
important decisionsCopy !req
1081. about religion, about schooling.Copy !req
1082. None of the parties were coerced
into signing this agreement.Copy !req
1083. And nowhere have I seen
an expiration date.Copy !req
1084. What'd you guys think?Copy !req
1085. Why don't I understand
when you are talking?Copy !req
1086. Well, you see...Copy !req
1087. This is a complex situation.Copy !req
1088. I would vote for the other guy.Copy !req
1089. Well... No. The other guy is wrong.Copy !req
1090. Grandma's right.
I think you're gonna lose again.Copy !req
1091. Did she say that?Copy !req
1092. Okay. Well, all right. Thanks, kids.Copy !req
1093. You can all go to bed.Copy !req
1094. Is that going to be
your argument in court?Copy !req
1095. That won't work in court.
You can't send the real judge to bed.Copy !req
1096. Yes, I can.
Daddy can send anyone to bed.Copy !req
1097. And right now, you're all going to bed.Copy !req
1098. Now, go.Copy !req
1099. These are children who are lost.
They are lost in the wilderness.Copy !req
1100. And they want to know
who their father is.Copy !req
1101. I mean, is that too much to ask?Copy !req
1102. And what would...Copy !req
1103. What would happen if we no longer
accepted these types of agreements?Copy !req
1104. Nothing more than
an unlimited quantity of chaos.Copy !req
1105. The mic...Copy !req
1106. Oh, that's better. Is that okay?Copy !req
1107. Here we are, outside of
the New York courtroom...Copy !req
1108. I feel like this is an easy case to win.Copy !req
1109. What I'm saying is,Copy !req
1110. which fundamental right should
take more importance here?Copy !req
1111. I've been a musician
pretty much my whole life.Copy !req
1112. And when I write music,
I write it because...Copy !req
1113. I think, when I say this,
I speak for everyone.Copy !req
1114. I know, how for me...Copy !req
1115. I wasn't actually able to
grow up with a dad.Copy !req
1116. I would like to meet the guy,
the man, who created me.Copy !req
1117. And there's a lot of transitions
in my life that I've come across.Copy !req
1118. It's central to who I am.
It's really all I've thought about.Copy !req
1119. I just want to feel
like I have a part of myself.Copy !req
1120. The last ultrasound
that is on Friday at 2:00,Copy !req
1121. do you think that you can make it there?Copy !req
1122. There is no contract, okay?
They've broken the contract!Copy !req
1123. They break with the contract!Copy !req
1124. The man signed an anonymity
agreement for 693 donations!Copy !req
1125. He has a right to punitive damages,Copy !req
1126. because you should hear
what people are saying about him now.Copy !req
1127. - You have got to be prepared!
- I am prepared!Copy !req
1128. Well, then why don't you do it?Copy !req
1129. You're my friend, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1130. - I'm just so pissed off.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1131. So we hope that it has been made clearCopy !req
1132. that the intentional blocking
of this vital informationCopy !req
1133. has had, and will continue to have
a negative psychological impactCopy !req
1134. on each and every single one
of Starbuck's children.Copy !req
1135. In finishing,Copy !req
1136. while the donor may have bargained
for confidentiality with the clinic,Copy !req
1137. and the parents may have
accepted that confidentialityCopy !req
1138. as a condition to receiving
the sperm donation...Copy !req
1139. The children didn't agree to anything.Copy !req
1140. Yet, they are the ones,
they are the ones most directly affected.Copy !req
1141. This makes no sense.Copy !req
1142. Thank you.Copy !req
1143. These are some great kids.Copy !req
1144. Without the anonymity clause,Copy !req
1145. none of them would be here.Copy !req
1146. And not to have these beautiful kids,Copy !req
1147. that would be a great loss.Copy !req
1148. We need the anonymity clause.Copy !req
1149. The court will now take
the matter under advisement.Copy !req
1150. How long could it take?Copy !req
1151. I don't know, David. I do not know!Copy !req
1152. What don't you know?Copy !req
1153. I know absolutely nothing!
My mother was right.Copy !req
1154. I'm useless and I'm out of my league.Copy !req
1155. You should have got
a real lawyer, David.Copy !req
1156. All rise!Copy !req
1157. You may be seated.Copy !req
1158. In the adjudicated action,Copy !req
1159. the parties will receive
a detailed document,Copy !req
1160. in which you will read
that Starbuck is entirely,Copy !req
1161. and without reservation,
entitled to remainCopy !req
1162. anonymous.Copy !req
1163. He will also be entitled
to $200,000 in punitive damagesCopy !req
1164. from the Graboski-Levitt Clinic.Copy !req
1165. You are adjourned.Copy !req
1166. Starbuck, therefore, will be entitled
to remain completely anonymous.Copy !req
1167. He also will receive
$200,000 in damages.Copy !req
1168. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1169. Brett, what's your reaction
to the verdict?Copy !req
1170. Obviously, I feel great
compassion for the children.Copy !req
1171. But I am very, very happy.Copy !req
1172. I am very proud to have vindicated
my client and his rights.Copy !req
1173. And I want to say thank you
to my own children and to my mother.Copy !req
1174. Mom, I won.Copy !req
1175. I won.Copy !req
1176. And I just want to say, David, we did it!Copy !req
1177. No!Copy !req
1178. We did it, David!Copy !req
1179. - No.
- Who's David?Copy !req
1180. He's my loverCopy !req
1181. who has always been there for me.Copy !req
1182. And, David, my darling...Copy !req
1183. I love you, David. I love you, David.Copy !req
1184. Obviously, a very emotional trial
for everyone here.Copy !req
1185. Did you expect this verdict?Copy !req
1186. We're disappointed.Copy !req
1187. Our case was dismissed,
and we've now exhaustedCopy !req
1188. every possible legal recourse.Copy !req
1189. But we haven't lost everything.Copy !req
1190. While we were told today there's no law
requiring Starbuck to identify himself,Copy !req
1191. there's more to this
than just legal obligation.Copy !req
1192. There's us, and there's him.Copy !req
1193. And beyond any law,
there are human beings.Copy !req
1194. So, ultimately,
the final decision is Starbuck's.Copy !req
1195. He's under no legal obligation
to identify himself.Copy !req
1196. But now that he's seen all of us,Copy !req
1197. he may well decide to do so.Copy !req
1198. That decision is his.Copy !req
1199. There has been a lot of
unfavorable comments about StarbuckCopy !req
1200. in all of this media coverage.Copy !req
1201. We would really just like
our father to knowCopy !req
1202. that in our eyes,Copy !req
1203. he's not a criminal or a freak.Copy !req
1204. To us, he's someoneCopy !req
1205. who gave life and happiness
where it was badly needed.Copy !req
1206. Congratulations, darling.Copy !req
1207. I had it.Copy !req
1208. I had pitched the perfect game
and I had to screw the whole thing up.Copy !req
1209. My mother saw the whole thing on TV.Copy !req
1210. Well, she must have been surprised
to find out that you had a male lover.Copy !req
1211. No. She said she always suspected it.Copy !req
1212. She told me we make a lovely couple.Copy !req
1213. And your kids?Copy !req
1214. They think it's cool.Copy !req
1215. I'm just wondering...Copy !req
1216. And really just theoretically, but...Copy !req
1217. If I decided to identify myself,Copy !req
1218. would I lose all the money
from the countersuit?Copy !req
1219. Yeah, I think you would.Copy !req
1220. Emma always says that...Copy !req
1221. That I don't have a life.Copy !req
1222. So, I officially set outCopy !req
1223. to try and do the right thing.Copy !req
1224. It's harder than I thought.Copy !req
1225. Pop.Copy !req
1226. Pop, I'm Starbuck.Copy !req
1227. You are El Masturbator?Copy !req
1228. Yeah.Copy !req
1229. Now, for once in my life,
I'd like to make the right decision.Copy !req
1230. Once.Copy !req
1231. For once in my life, I would
like to be a normal person.Copy !req
1232. How would a normal person
handle a situation like this?Copy !req
1233. A normal person would
not be in this situation.Copy !req
1234. Let's just say that a normal person
had a slight lapse of judgmentCopy !req
1235. and donated sperm 693 times.Copy !req
1236. What would they do?
What would my brothers do?Copy !req
1237. Your brothers are not
mentally equippedCopy !req
1238. to deal with a situation like this.Copy !req
1239. When you get right down to it,Copy !req
1240. you're probably one of the
few people on this earthCopy !req
1241. able to deal with such a situation.Copy !req
1242. Why not just tell them?Copy !req
1243. As you know,
I have some money problems.Copy !req
1244. Yeah, your debts.Copy !req
1245. You know I grew up
in terrible, terrible poverty.Copy !req
1246. Yes, I know, Pop.Copy !req
1247. I know.Copy !req
1248. When I left Warsaw to go to the States,
my father gave me $10.Copy !req
1249. That was everything he had.Copy !req
1250. I couldn't turn down his help,Copy !req
1251. so I promised him I'd pay him back
1,000 times over, once I got rich.Copy !req
1252. My father diedCopy !req
1253. when your mother and I
still didn't have a cent.Copy !req
1254. I...Copy !req
1255. I always wondered
what was harder for him.Copy !req
1256. Not being able
to give his children enough,Copy !req
1257. or not being with them
when they hit hard times.Copy !req
1258. My great good fortune in life
is to see you boys every day.Copy !req
1259. That, for me, is success.Copy !req
1260. So, like my father, I want to help you.Copy !req
1261. Here is $10.Copy !req
1262. It brought me good luck.Copy !req
1263. With $10, I built my empire.Copy !req
1264. So, take the $10.Copy !req
1265. And also take...Copy !req
1266. It's your share of the meat store.Copy !req
1267. It's your inheritance, in small bills,
to pay off your debts.Copy !req
1268. I'm scared I'll disappoint them.Copy !req
1269. Why would they be disappointed?Copy !req
1270. I'm a meat truck driver.Copy !req
1271. I'm an incompetent meat truck driver.Copy !req
1272. True, you are incompetent.Copy !req
1273. It takes you four times longer
to deliver meat than anyone else.Copy !req
1274. But wherever you go, people love you.Copy !req
1275. They're going to love you.Copy !req
1276. Everyone loves you.Copy !req
1277. Thanks, Pop.Copy !req
1278. We'll be right with you, sir.Copy !req
1279. Emma!Copy !req
1280. Emma!Copy !req
1281. Mr. Wozniak?Copy !req
1282. You gave us a little scare, there.Copy !req
1283. Yeah.Copy !req
1284. Hi.Copy !req
1285. Mr. Wozniak?Copy !req
1286. Yeah.Copy !req
1287. Your family is here to see you.Copy !req
1288. Is he healthy?Copy !req
1289. Yes.Copy !req
1290. Does that mean he can work tomorrow?Copy !req
1291. This is weird.Copy !req
1292. Hey.Copy !req
1293. I lied to you.Copy !req
1294. I am your biological father.Copy !req
1295. And you have a little brother.Copy !req
1296. He was in a bit of a hurry. But...Copy !req
1297. He's doing very, very, very well.Copy !req
1298. Can we see him?Copy !req
1299. I'll find out.Copy !req
1300. Hey.Copy !req
1301. He's so small.Copy !req
1302. Emma.Copy !req
1303. Will you marry me?Copy !req
1304. Wouldn't you want to wait and see
if I get my figure back?Copy !req
1305. If you stay flabby, I promise
I'll get flabby as well.Copy !req
1306. I wonder if that's the first
time the word "flabby"Copy !req
1307. has been used in a marriage proposal.Copy !req
1308. Emma...Copy !req
1309. I'm Starbuck.Copy !req
1310. Why are you always scamming?Copy !req
1311. God, how could you think
that a marriage proposalCopy !req
1312. would excuse the fact that
you're the father of 533 children?Copy !req
1313. David! God!Copy !req
1314. How...Copy !req
1315. This is no longer your child.Copy !req
1316. I want to be very clear on two points.Copy !req
1317. The first point.Copy !req
1318. I said I was gonna change
as quickly as possible,Copy !req
1319. and I am doing that.Copy !req
1320. I've had a chance to do
a lot of thinking. A lot!Copy !req
1321. And I've come to the conclusion
that it's not anyone but meCopy !req
1322. who can decide if I am the father or not.Copy !req
1323. Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil,Copy !req
1324. and in the end, not you.Copy !req
1325. In other words, nobody but the father
can decide if he is the father or not.Copy !req
1326. And I, David Wozniak,
am the father of this child.Copy !req
1327. The other reality that can't be changed
is the fact that I am Starbuck.Copy !req
1328. Now, this, obviously,
can be somewhat frighteningCopy !req
1329. since it's something totally new,
and no one on this planetCopy !req
1330. has ever experienced it before. It's...Copy !req
1331. It is like the first steps on the moon.Copy !req
1332. But despite a few drawbacks,Copy !req
1333. I think that we can
actually take away from thisCopy !req
1334. a tremendous amount of joy.Copy !req
1335. Not to mention,
vast amounts of free babysitting.Copy !req
1336. I don't know how this is gonna work out.Copy !req
1337. Right now, me coming out
and revealing who I am,Copy !req
1338. I'm risking everything.Copy !req
1339. I'm risking all for the
well-being of my 533 kids.Copy !req
1340. And I would think
that you seeing me risk allCopy !req
1341. should convince you
that whatever happens,Copy !req
1342. that no matter what turmoil this kid
right here gets into, I will be there.Copy !req
1343. Now, you asked me to have a life.Copy !req
1344. Well, here it is. This is my life.Copy !req
1345. It may be a bit strange.Copy !req
1346. And a bit oversized.Copy !req
1347. But it's my life.Copy !req
1348. The second point.Copy !req
1349. That was a very long first point.Copy !req
1350. The first point was long.
The second point...Copy !req
1351. The marriage proposal was not a scam.Copy !req
1352. The second point was much shorter.Copy !req
1353. I need you in my life.Copy !req
1354. Promise me, one day
you'll take me to Venice.Copy !req
1355. Okay.Copy !req
1356. Wow.Copy !req
1357. Okay. Have fun.Copy !req
1358. Many thanks,
from your entire real family.Copy !req