Dear Santa (2024)

1. I can't just manifest a tree topper.

2. Okay. Okay. You don't need to give every example of what you can't do.

3. Why is this stuff so important?

4. Because!

5. It's been a hard year.

6. The move, a new school.

7. I mean, God, I just want it to be special for Liam.

8. I get it. I just don't know where the tree topper is, okay?

9. I can't magically make a box with a-a star appear.

10. And for the tenth time, it's not a star, it's an angel.

11. Oh, an angel. Yes, it's an angel.

12. Okay. And every year,

13. it sits on top of the tree, okay?

14. And it looks down upon us like it's a guardian angel.

15. Oh. A guardian angel. Yeah.

16. Well, maybe we need a new one anyway.

17. The old one wasn't doing that great of a job, was it?

18. Wow.

19. Okay, so it's just vanished. It's completely gone.

20. Missing in action.

21. For once in your life, can you just let it go?

22. Yeah. For once?

23. Can you do that? Yes, I can

24. when you admit that you screwed up, okay? How about that?

25. Oh, I get it. As long as I take the blame for every little thing that ha—

26. Hey, guys.

27. Wow! It looks amazing in here.

28. Thank you, honey. Thank you.

29. I was just looking for...

30. for the tree topper that your father lost,

31. and I just got a little bit of tinsel in my eye. Unbelievable.

32. But I'm not crying, because everything is great.

33. We're gonna have a great Christmas.

34. Tree toppers? Come on, Mom.

35. Christmas isn't about tree toppers and ornaments and all that stupid stuff.

36. It's about togetherness and music and...

37. Hey, guess what I was doing upstairs.

38. What were you doing upstairs?

39. Writing my letter to Santa.

40. Really? You were? Mm-hmm.

41. Letter to Santa?

42. Aren't you getting a little too old for that?

43. Oh, no, no. What-What your dad means is just that sometimes,

44. Santa is too busy responding to letters from all of the little kids

45. that then he doesn't always have the time to respond to the letters

46. from the big kids too.

47. No, that's not at all what I meant.

48. Bill, just...

49. I've always written letters to Santa.

50. How else will he know what I want for Christmas?

51. Exactly, honey.

52. I think it's absolutely wonderful.

53. Not all of us are a scrooge.

54. No, I— I'm not a scrooge.

55. I just...

56. Look, I know how hard it is being the new kid in town.

57. And as it is, school presents challenges for you because of your learning dis—

58. Differences.

59. Learning differences.

60. Right, learning differences.

61. Which is good, but even more reason not to write certain letters.

62. Because that way, when you go to meet other sixth-graders

63. and try to make friends,

64. you won't get, uh...

65. beaten up.

66. What are you saying? I have a friend— friends.

67. Really? Well, I didn't know that.

68. Mom, I've been at that school for, like, three months.

69. Why wouldn't I have friends?

70. Just because of social distancing.

71. Come on, Mom. That ended two years ago.

72. And I do have friends.

73. My friend Gibby's about one of the most popular kids in school.

74. We play football at recess and everything.

75. Play football?

76. Yeah.

77. That's what I just said.

78. Nice.

79. Gibby!

80. Ow.

81. Gibby! Gibby!

82. I'm so proud of you.

83. Why'd you tell them we play football?

84. We don't even have a football team.

85. We're 11.

86. I didn't say we were on a team. I just said we played at recess.

87. What kind of football do we play?

88. Flag football, I guess.

89. Plus, they're not gonna waterboard us about this.

90. You don't know that.

91. Parents can be weird. They like to know stuff.

92. What position should I say I play?

93. You're the kicker.

94. Am I like the guy who kicks it real high

95. or the guy who tries to get the ball through the things?

96. The field goal kicker.

97. Okay, cool. You know the game, so we won't get tripped up.

98. Oh, and one more thing.

99. I also told them you have cancer.

100. What? Why?

101. My parents know I don't make friends easily,

102. so to make it real,

103. I told them I was nice to a kid with cancer

104. and he was nice to me back.

105. But we are friends.

106. Why'd you have to make anything up?

107. Hindsight is twenty-twenty.

108. The point is, if you meet my parents,

109. just make sure you act a little cancer-y.

110. Will do.

111. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

112. Hold your horses, hotshot.

113. What do you think you're doing?

114. Um, crossing the street?

115. I'll tell you when you can cross the street.

116. But there are no cars.

117. When did you finish

118. your two-hour crossing guard certification course?

119. I didn't.

120. Oh, that's right.

121. That was me.

122. So I'll tell you when there are no cars.

123. Go. Go ahead.

124. Mr. "I'm In A Hurry At First."

125. Where'd he go? Bring him back.

126. Good morning, ladies. Hello.

127. Hi. Hello.

128. There she is.

129. Legit question.

130. Why are you staring at someone you cannot get?

131. What, Emma? We have a ton in common.

132. Like?

133. We both like cats.

134. That's a ton?

135. We can build off that.

136. What's so great about her anyway?

137. You only like her 'cause she's pretty.

138. What? No.

139. I like her 'cause whenever I look at her, she smiles.

140. Big deal. Smiling's easy when you have nice teeth.

141. And she's kind.

142. People that pretty are usually mean.

143. Yeah, I guess.

144. She does have a lot of friends.

145. Pray for me.

146. No. Liam. Get— Abort!

147. I like the cat stickers on your locker.

148. Thank you.

149. My cat licks her nipples.

150. Well, that's pretty random.

151. Yeah, that was pretty random.

152. Um, by the way, do you like Post Malone?

153. Love him.

154. Don't you remember when Mr. Charles asked me

155. to name my favorite piece of writing, and I said "Congratulations"?

156. Yeah. Well, he's in town doing a concert. Maybe we could—

157. What's up, E?

158. Hey, Aiden.

159. How are you? Good.

160. Whoa. Uh...

161. What do you think you're doing?

162. Oh, nothing really. I was actually just...

163. You trying to hit on my girl?

164. Aiden, stop that.

165. Well, were you? No, no, no, no.

166. No. No. I was just trying to tell her about my cat's nipples.

167. Your cat's nipple— Bro, what are you talking about?

168. And other stuff.

169. Uh, tootles.

170. Uh...

171. I never say tootles, just FYI.

172. That was my first time.

173. Okay.

174. Darn it!

175. How'd it go?

176. I might have to change schools again.

177. My pupils, focus your pupils on me

178. as I mold your malleable minds.

179. As I massage the clay that is your cerebellum.

180. Today, my friends, we discuss A Christmas Carol.

181. Perhaps the most overrated of Charles Dickens's books.

182. And I must say, it certainly missed my "great expectations."

183. Now, when I read the book,

184. I felt like I was being visited by the ghost of Christmas past.

185. Hard pass for me.

186. Liam.

187. I'd be curious why you find the young lady's hair

188. more captivating than my lecture.

189. No, I wasn't— I wasn't staring at Emma's shiny hair.

190. Oh?

191. Then what part of her were you staring at?

192. Arm.

193. But I was also listening to you.

194. Is that right? So you're able to ogle her arm

195. and listen to me at the same time?

196. Yeah, it's— it's not that hard.

197. Now, Liam, if you're so hyperaware,

198. maybe you can tell me what book I am discussing.

199. "Carol's Christmas"?

200. Gotcha.

201. Now pay attention.

202. Demerit.

203. "Carol's Christmas."

204. Written by the great author, Dickens Charles.

205. Hey! You don't make fun of dyslexia. Not cool.

206. Oh, and by the way, Einstein had dyslexia too.

207. The bagel guy?

208. No. No, the other one.

209. You see the way Emma stood up for me?

210. Maybe she likes me too.

211. Liam, you're right about Emma being awesome.

212. But she's not gonna be interested in you unless you pull it together, man.

213. Attempt to be cool.

214. Maybe you're right.

215. All right, I gotta go. I gotta mail a letter to Santa.

216. What? Letter to Santa?

217. This is exactly the kind of crap I'm talking about.

218. What are you doing writing letters to Santa?

219. Look, I know. I know he's probably not real.

220. But let's just say there's, like, a 1% chance he is

221. and there's something you really want.

222. What possible harm could there be to write a stupid letter?

223. Okay, I guess.

224. And the big reason I write it is for my mom.

225. What? She wants stuff from Santa too?

226. No.

227. Nobody in this world loves Christmas more than my mom.

228. Or did, anyway.

229. I just think me writing the letter makes her happy.

230. I like it better when she's happy.

231. Okay, okay, whatever.

232. Just keep that letter thing under wraps.

233. If the kids at school ever found out about this, you'd be destroyed.

234. Destroyed. You're not gonna tell anyone, right?

235. Good God, no. How do you think it would make me look

236. that my bestie still believes in Santa?

237. I'm your bestie?

238. Yeah.

239. Hey, Gibby...

240. Remember I told you we moved out here

241. because I was supposed to be in the witness protection program?

242. Yeah?

243. Well, that wasn't true.

244. Some bad stuff—

245. bad stuff happened back where we used to live.

246. There was an accident, and that was right before—

247. Hey, hey. Have you ever had the Impossible Burger lasagna?

248. What? Have you ever had it?

249. I haven't, but I hear it's really good.

250. Come on, Gibby. I was about to tell you something huge.

251. Yeah, that's why I made small talk.

252. I'm really bad with that serious crap.

253. Yeah, me too.

254. Thanks for letting me come with you to mail your letter.

255. It's more fun this way.

256. Hey, I see the town's putting on a big Christmas carnival this week.

257. Maybe you and I can go to that.

258. Uh...

259. Yeah, Mom. Maybe.

260. A lot of kids from my class are gonna be there and...

261. Oh.

262. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

263. Come on, baby. Let's go. Come on.

264. To Santa.

265. Care of the North Pole.

266. Huh.

267. Well, you don't see this very often.

268. But why do you always have to cut me off?

269. Are you kidding me? You're always cutting me off.

270. After everything he's been through, I worry about his mental well-being.

271. Can we not turn this into a therapy session?

272. Okay, if believing in Santa makes him happy,

273. what right do you have to say that he can't?

274. Oh, come on. Don't make me the bad guy.

275. I wish there was a Santa.

276. Because then I'd have a pony.

277. 'Cause that's what I asked for every year when I was a kid.

278. That's why you're mad? You never got a pony.

279. Knock it off.

280. You said you were gonna talk to him. And I will.

281. When? I don't know. Soon.

282. Blitzen, is that you?

283. Use the litter box.

284. That's putrid.

285. Thank you.

286. Who was that?

287. Who are you? What do you want?

288. What do you mean what do I want? It's me.

289. Who?

290. Me. I got your letter.

291. What letter?

292. The letter you sent me.

293. I never sent you a letter.

294. What do you call this, fudge nuts?

295. You had a list in there asking for all sorts of stupid crap.

296. So you mean you're S—

297. In the naughty flesh.

298. Hey, I really want to thank you for writing me, Liam.

299. What an unexpected treat.

300. Unexpected?

301. Very. Guess how many letters I get from kids a year.

302. I'm not a guesser.

303. Guess!

304. Seventy-one million?

305. Seventy-one million? Uh, no.

306. How many?

307. None.

308. What?

309. Sure, I get a few manifestos in the mail

310. from some wonderfully deranged grown-ups, but—

311. What is going on here?

312. This is insane. You don't exist.

313. Really? Do you usually write letters to people who don't exist?

314. You're just— You're not what I expected.

315. What'd you expect?

316. Well, for one thing, I thought you'd be a little jollier.

317. Jollier? Who the hell's jolly these days?

318. Fair point.

319. But your suit is different.

320. And your beard doesn't look the same.

321. But I guess you are, um,

322. chunky enough.

323. Wow, you went there.

324. What, you don't put on a few extra pounds over the holidays?

325. I guess. Besides, who said I was chunky?

326. That's how they make you look in the movies.

327. Yeah, figures.

328. If you're not a perfect size two in Hollywood, they demonize you.

329. And in the movies, the reindeer usually have the antlers, not you.

330. Reindeer?

331. Kid, are you high?

332. Let me see that letter again.

333. Give it.

334. Oh, boy.

335. Um, you wouldn't happen to have trouble spelling, would you?

336. Yes.

337. Sometimes.

338. Ooh.

339. Wait, how do I know you're actually Santa

340. and you're not just messing with me?

341. Check this out.

342. Ho, ho, frickin' ho.

343. No way!

344. Yeah way.

345. Where's my milk and cookies?

346. Usually I only do the outfit on Christmas Day.

347. Gotta keep a low profile.

348. And I'm back!

349. I don't believe this!

350. Right? Good stuff.

351. Okay, enough of the party tricks.

352. Down to biz. I'm here to offer you a deal.

353. A deal?

354. Isn't the deal I'm good, I write you a letter, you get me stuff?

355. The letter thing's a total myth. Fake news.

356. You, my friend, are getting wishes. Three wishes.

357. Three wishes?

358. What, you mean like a genie?

359. They stole that from me.

360. Wait, so there really are genies?

361. Sorry, I can't discuss it. It's under "litigaysh."

362. Okay, ready?

363. Wish time.

364. Are you telling me I can wish for anything in the whole wide world?

365. Yeah. I mean, within reason.

366. I can't undo the War of 1812.

367. What's the War of 1812?

368. It was a war. In 1812.

369. Look, the point is I can't change history.

370. But anything you want moving forward, I can deliver.

371. So, come on, make a wish.

372. Well, I mean, there's a lot I could wish for

373. and I wasn't expecting this, so I'm trying to think.

374. World peace, climate change.

375. Geez, childhood hunger is a big problem right now.

376. Are you kidding me with this? You don't have a wish ready?

377. I mean, you read my letter. Shouldn't you already know what I want?

378. Okay, you got me.

379. I didn't read the whole thing. It was boring.

380. Besides, what's with all this Goody Two-shoes stuff?

381. I can give you anything you want.

382. How about a dirt bike? A yacht.

383. I could get you a helicopter.

384. What about your personal life?

385. A girl?

386. Is there a girl you like?

387. Yeah. Emma.

388. I do kind of wish she'd give me a chance.

389. Boom! Done!

390. She's gonna give you a chance. That's one wish, two to go.

391. See you tomorrow. Wait!

392. That's it?

393. That's it.

394. How do I know my wish is actually gonna come true?

395. Really?

396. The whirling around and costume change

397. didn't convince you?

398. How about this?

399. I've already seen that one.

400. Okay. Have you seen this?

401. Booyah!

402. Huh?

403. Santa's the shit!

404. Sold.

405. Yeah.

406. Catch you on the flip-flop.

407. Mom, wake up.

408. Mom. Wake up.

409. Hey. Is everything okay?

410. Yeah, yeah. Everything's great.

411. I have amazing news, Mom. Santa came to my room.

412. What?

413. Santa. He got my letter, and he came to my room.

414. You were dreaming. Just go back to bed, honey.

415. No, Mom. I'm wide awake.

416. Here's the letter I sent him. He gave it back to me.

417. And he made Blitzen speak. In English.

418. Go back to sleep, honey.

419. What, do you not believe me? How would I have the letter back?

420. I don't know. I mean, maybe you just forgot to put it in the mailbox.

421. No, I didn't—

422. Where's Dad?

423. Oh, he— he's sleeping on the couch.

424. Why?

425. Uh, just because, you know,

426. his back has been hurting him lately.

427. Should we wake him up and tell him the good news?

428. No, no. Your father has work tomorrow, so we should just let him rest.

429. Isn't it great though?

430. Santa Claus is real!

431. Good night, Mom. Love you.

432. Love you too.

433. Huh.

434. What the hell did you expect?

435. You said you'd talk to him, and then you keep putting it off.

436. It's not an easy thing to just say to a kid.

437. Actually, he's not a kid.

438. And look what happened now. He's having dreams he thinks are real.

439. Oh. Really gonna lay that one on me too?

440. What do you mean "too"?

441. Morning, honey. I got your lunch and a snack in here, okay?

442. Thanks.

443. Hey, Dad. Did Mom tell you what happened last night?

444. She, uh, mentioned it.

445. Isn't it incredible?

446. Santa Claus, right here in our house.

447. He is a little different than you think though.

448. Yeah.

449. Must've been some dream, huh, kiddo?

450. What? It wasn't a dream. I mean, it was as real as real can be.

451. All right. See you guys later.

452. Have a good day. Go get 'em.

453. Yeah, okay, we got a problem.

454. They're gonna stuff him in a locker.

455. Stop.

456. Hey, buddy.

457. Everybody, please check to make sure

458. that your animal has plenty of food and water

459. and is showing no signs of distress.

460. Hey, little buddy. You doing okay?

461. Psst. Yo, Señor Scaredy-cat.

462. Down here. It's me, Santa.

463. What are you waiting for? Go make a move!

464. H-How did you get so small?

465. What do you mean "how"? I can do stuff, remember?

466. Now get over there and talk to Emma.

467. But I can't. I don't know what to do.

468. Are you kidding me right now? Hey!

469. Mind your manners. It's off-limits, buster.

470. Kid, you wished for her to give you a chance. This is it.

471. You just have to go talk to her. Take it to the next level.

472. But what do I say?

473. Ask her on a date.

474. No. Kids don't do that anymore.

475. Liam?

476. Everything okay?

477. Yeah, everything's, uh, great.

478. Get over there, you chicken!

479. But... I'll talk to her later.

480. Maybe in the hallway.

481. If you don't get over there right now,

482. I'm gonna sic this hamster on you.

483. Yeah, I'm gonna have him jump out of this cage

484. and maul you with his tiny teeth and claws

485. until your own mother doesn't recognize you.

486. You'll never live it down.

487. You'll be the kid who barely survived a hamster attack.

488. Is that what you want?

489. I'm not afraid of a cute, little hamster.

490. I'm going.

491. Hey, Emma.

492. L-Liam. Hi. Hey. How are you?

493. Stupid question. You're probably great. Just ignore that.

494. No, I'm fine.

495. Anyway, uh, I came over here to ask

496. if you wanted to hang out sometime. Soon.

497. Me with you?

498. Yes. Definitely. Where? When?

499. Uh, maybe we could go to that Post Malone concert?

500. Or— Or— Or not. Uh...

501. What are you doing?

502. I don't know. I panicked. It scared me to be that brave.

503. Go with it, buddy.

504. You wanna go to the Posty concert, you got it.

505. Now sell it!

506. Really? Yes!

507. Hi again. Hi.

508. Liam, I don't know if you were being serious.

509. Like, were you kidding?

510. If you don't wanna take me, I get it. That's okay.

511. No, no, I was being serious.

512. I just didn't know if your boyfriend would—

513. That won't be a problem.

514. I broke up with Aiden anyways.

515. Sometimes he wasn't that nice.

516. Okay. Uh...

517. Uh, I'll text you the details.

518. Great.

519. Tootles!

520. I never say "tootles" either, just— just FYI.

521. That was my first time.

522. Sue me, I'm thirsty.

523. You're going to see Post Malone with Emma?

524. Yeah, and that's not even the craziest part.

525. You won't believe what happened last night.

526. I'm pretty sure you going to Post Malone with Emma is the craziest part.

527. You'd think so, but Santa came to my room last night!

528. Santa came to your room?

529. I swear.

530. But he didn't look like Santa. He had antlers.

531. But then he looked like Santa, but he explained he didn't walk around like that,

532. except on Christmas.

533. That had to be your imagination.

534. If it was my imagination,

535. then how do you explain him being in the cage with my hamster

536. during science class?

537. Santa Claus was in the cage with your hamster? Uh-huh.

538. You must've been having some weird dreams last night.

539. But the hamster thing happened today.

540. Whatever.

541. Night dreams, daydreams, they can seem real.

542. Look! There he is.

543. Where?

544. On the bench.

545. Where on the bench?

546. The only guy on the bench.

547. That's Santa?

548. Yeah. Yeah, he's the one who brought me my letter back.

549. Wanna meet him?

550. Uh, that's gonna be a hard pass.

551. Liam. Look who you addressed that to.

552. Santa? So?

553. Look at it again. Take your time.

554. Satan. Oh, my God.

555. Well, at least it somehow still got to Santa.

556. Did it?

557. Are you saying... No.

558. That can't be the devil. There is no devil.

559. There's no devil, but there's a Santa Claus?

560. Come on, man. Pick a lane.

561. See you later, alligator.

562. What the—

563. Hey, Liam!

564. There you are. Come over here.

565. Come on. What are you waiting for? We're burning daylight.

566. Get over here!

567. What's with the tiny, slow steps?

568. Let's pick up the pace. Come on.

569. What's your deal, kid?

570. First, you send me a letter,

571. and then I make your dreams come true,

572. and then you avoid me like I'm the frickin' Easter Bunny?

573. Sorry, I didn't see you over there on the bench where you were sitting.

574. Um, can I ask you a question?

575. Does Pinocchio poop pinecones?

576. My God! You are Satan.

577. No, I'm not.

578. Come on, turd breath, we've already been through this.

579. I'm your friend, Santy Claus.

580. Turd breath?

581. Does my breath stink?

582. No, I was just saying that to make you feel bad.

583. Okay, okay. I'm Satan. You got me.

584. Now quit being a baby.

585. You lucked out big time, dumb-ass. I'm way better than Santa.

586. How? Come on, think about it.

587. What do you want under the Christmas tree?

588. A pair of itchy socks that Grandma knitted you?

589. Or anything in the world your little selfish heart desires?

590. Oh, look, it's a dove. Is it?

591. Oh, God. Oh, God. I can't move.

592. If you touch me, I'll scream.

593. Why would I touch you? I'm the devil, not a trusted relative.

594. Sorry. That was low-hanging fruit.

595. By the way, we got a lot of those creepy uncle types down where I'm from.

596. All right?

597. Come on. Now, just relax, kid.

598. You and I are gonna do a lot better if we work together.

599. I'm not comfortable with this.

600. I don't wanna be seen talking to some weird guy with horns.

601. Okay, is it the horns that bother you? Watch this.

602. All gone.

603. Sir, since I was clearly writing to Santa and not to you,

604. maybe we can just forget about all this and you can go on your way.

605. Not that easy, buddy boy. You already made your first wish,

606. and that means we have a deal in progress.

607. There's no getting out of this thing until all three wishes are used up.

608. By the way, check your phone.

609. Oh, my God!

610. That's it? OMG?

611. Where's my thank-you?

612. You can't get better tickets than that.

613. That's where Mama Posty sits.

614. But I didn't ask for tickets. I wished for Emma to like me.

615. Nope. Technically, you wished for her to give you a chance.

616. What's the difference? Big difference.

617. She's gonna give you a chance. That's all. You can still screw it up.

618. But to give your chance a chance, I threw in those tickets as a freebie,

619. 'cause let's face it, your game's a little weak.

620. Sir, I'm going to politely decline.

621. You can have those tickets back. Scalp 'em if you want.

622. I wanna call off our deal entirely.

623. I told you, you can't. You summoned me.

624. No, I summoned Santa.

625. Nope. Pretty sure you wrote "Satan."

626. S-A-T-A-N.

627. It was a mistake.

628. There are no mistakes.

629. Everything happens for a reason.

630. Just ask your God.

631. This didn't happen for a reason.

632. It was a total typo.

633. I have learning differences.

634. Everyone's a victim these days.

635. OCD, ADD, L-M-N-O-P. Blah, blah, blah.

636. When I was a kid, they'd slap you in the back of the head

637. and tell you to suck it up.

638. You were a kid?

639. I don't wanna talk about it.

640. Liam, you're looking at this thing all wrong.

641. The way I see it, there's some good news and some other news.

642. The good news is you've got two more wishes.

643. That's pretty amazing.

644. And the other news?

645. Huh?

646. You said there was other news. Oh, right.

647. After you make two more wishes, I'm taking your soul.

648. What? Are you insane?

649. I prefer "sanity adjacent."

650. Well, what if I don't make the other two wishes?

651. You will. What if I don't?

652. Uh, trust me, you will. And if I don't?

653. If you do not make three wishes,

654. technically, I cannot take your soul.

655. But you will.

656. Here. See that cloud over there?

657. Let me show you a few of the things I could do for you.

658. Yeah!

659. Oh, yeah!

660. He's going over the top!

661. Come on. Pedal to the metal. Come on!

662. All right. Let's go, kid.

663. You see that, kid?

664. You ain't never had a friend like me.

665. Okay, that I may have stolen from Aladdin.

666. Now we're even.

667. Liam, you got the world by the oysters.

668. I don't really like oysters.

669. I think I'm going to politely pass on your offer.

670. What's the matter with you?

671. I don't know.

672. I mean, these are all nice ideas. I just...

673. I kinda don't wanna give up my soul.

674. On your left!

675. Son of a... gun.

676. Liam, do you know this man?

677. Yeah, I'm his uncle. Beat it.

678. Uh...

679. Is this true, Liam?

680. Yes. Yes, it is.

681. Huh. Well, then.

682. Maybe you can suggest to your nephew to stop being so inattentive in class.

683. It's causing disruptions.

684. How's that again? I wasn't really paying attention to anything you just said.

685. I was saying young Liam here has a bad habit of being in—

686. Very funny, wise guy.

687. Can you really blame him though? You're pretty damn boring, you know.

688. Excuse me.

689. Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?

690. Here we go.

691. Dressed like you're in some apocalyptic biker gang,

692. with your dead carcass.

693. Now, I will not tolerate obscene language directed at me.

694. Ooh.

695. Oh, my.

696. Dear me.

697. That doesn't sound right.

698. I hope you're not getting that stomach bug that's been going around.

699. Sir, I am the picture of health.

700. Ooh.

701. Oh!

702. Pardon me. Kombucha.

703. I hope it's not IBS. Sometimes that can be unruly.

704. Gentlemen, excuse me.

705. It seems nature is calling, and I intend to answer.

706. Ooh.

707. Oh, my. I've never heard such a spirited bout of flatulence.

708. Watch this.

709. Lock.

710. No! No! Please! Let me in!

711. I need a toilette.

712. My kingdom for a toilette.

713. Did you know every time a grown man sharts himself,

714. a demon earns its horns?

715. It's true.

716. Oh! No! Tummy tum.

717. Never trust a fart. You just gambled and lost.

718. I apologize. But it appears... Oh, no.

719. Something's come out— come up— and I have to run.

720. So now, I will just m...

721. I will just mount my trusty steed.

722. Gentlemen... tallyho!

723. Nice to meet ya!

724. The pleasure was mine!

725. Let's look at the bright side.

726. The first two wishes are freebies, right?

727. He only gets your soul after the third?

728. Yeah, but—

729. And you can tap out at any time before then. Right?

730. Well, yeah, technically. But I— Well, then what's the problem?

731. Look, I'm worried Satan is going to trick me into making more wishes.

732. He's pretty clever.

733. He pretty much tricked me into the first one.

734. Yeah, that's classic Satan stuff.

735. But I think you'll be fine.

736. Like, you're strong.

737. You're not gonna make any more wishes if you don't want to.

738. That's what I thought. But Satan said I definitely would.

739. Don't worry about what Satan said.

740. You're the nicest kid I know.

741. Thanks, Gibby.

742. All right.

743. I gotta go convince my parents

744. into letting me go to this concert.

745. That's gonna be a tough one.

746. Yeah. Wish me luck.

747. Hey, Mom and Dad. I wanted to ask if I could—

748. Hi, honey.

749. Hi. Hello, Liam.

750. I'm Dr. Finkleman.

751. Hello.

752. Dr. Finkleman is a child psychologist, Liam.

753. Hmm.

754. I hear that's an interesting field.

755. Hmm.

756. I'm gonna go watch Salt Lake Housewives.

757. Uh, Liam.

758. Hmm?

759. Dr. Finkleman is here to see you.

760. Oh, God.

761. So, I wanna make sure I have this straight.

762. Uh, first, you thought Santa came into your bedroom.

763. But now you think it wasn't Santa, it was Satan.

764. Yeah, that's right. No.

765. He must be confused.

766. He means Saint Nick, not Satan.

767. No, no, that's what I thought.

768. But then I realized it was Satan.

769. Oh, no.

770. No, no, no, no, no.

771. No. Think he's just confused.

772. Well, um, let's say he is confused.

773. Liam, you confused Santa and Satan. How?

774. Well, they both have surprisingly similar styles.

775. I mean, you know, beards, a generous build,

776. and their clothing is reddish with black boots.

777. Where is this coming from? I don't know.

778. Did you know? What is this?

779. It's fully thought out. Where is this coming from?

780. It's fully realized. Yeah, it is.

781. Hey, it's not phone time right now.

782. Come on, honey. Put it away.

783. Do you have any idea why Satan would come visit you in your room?

784. Well, because I wrote him a letter.

785. And again, why were you writing to Satan?

786. No, I wasn't.

787. I meant to write it to Santa,

788. but I mixed up the letters and it went to Satan.

789. Didn't you jot that one down?

790. Hey. Liam. Calm down. I'm sorry.

791. It's been a tough year, with the tragedy and all.

792. I know it might sound crazy, but the devil came to my bedroom.

793. With God as my witness.

794. So, is God witnessing you now as well, Liam?

795. No. That was an expression.

796. Mom, I really need to talk to you about— Not right now, Liam.

797. We need to finish talking with Dr. Finkleman, okay?

798. And make sure you tell him the truth.

799. I am telling him the truth! I already told you that.

800. He's here to help us.

801. No, it's okay. I got something stuck.

802. Dr. Finkleman, can I get you a water?

803. I'm gonna get it.

804. Oh, my God. Are you okay?

805. Sorry.

806. Okay, then if that's the truth, thank you for being honest with us.

807. So, do you believe me?

808. Of course we believe you.

809. He's nuts.

810. Oh, God.

811. Liam.

812. Hi there.

813. Can I help you?

814. I'm Gibby, Liam's friend.

815. The football player with cancer.

816. Gibby!

817. It is so nice to finally meet you. Oh.

818. Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Turner.

819. Um, how— how is everything going? Are you feeling okay?

820. You know, some good days, some bad days. Mostly bad.

821. Oh, well, come on in the house. Let me get you something to drink.

822. Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Turner. I don't have time.

823. I'm just here to pick up Liam

824. because he promised me to go to my chemo session with me tonight.

825. Yeah. Oh.

826. Mom, I was trying to tell you about that.

827. Um...

828. But I can go, right? I mean, Gibby needs me.

829. Oh, well, I'm not sure if you—

830. Bill? I mean— I—

831. Of course. Yes. Go, Liam. Go... Go support your friend.

832. Do you guys need a ride? No need.

833. I'm on the job. Howdy there, folks.

834. I'm Gibby's dad, Gibby the first, Gibby Senior.

835. Great to meet.

836. I'll be taking these two eager beavers over to the clinic,

837. and then, if it's okay with you, I'd like to take them out for a little boba.

838. How about that, guys? How's that sound? Little boba?

839. We love boba. We can't get enough of that b— those bobas.

840. You're Gibby's dad?

841. Yes, ma'am. Unfortunately, he gets his good looks from his mom,

842. if you know what I mean.

843. Anyway, we really appreciate Liam being such a big support to Gibby.

844. Time with good friends is so important.

845. Especially when you don't know...

846. how much time you got left.

847. Yeah. But, uh...

848. great kid.

849. You did something right. Come on, guys. Let's go.

850. Yeah! Okay, uh, bye.

851. See you later.

852. Okay. Have fun at chemo.

853. Did you just lie about chemotherapy?

854. Do you know how wrong that is?

855. I do, and I'm not proud of it.

856. I guess the devil made me do it.

857. What the hell is going on?

858. It wasn't my idea.

859. He came to my house and told me

860. that you wanted me to go to the concert too.

861. Come on, you chupacabras! Hurry up. We're gonna be late for the concert.

862. This is so cool.

863. I've never been backstage before.

864. Now, listen up, mouse knuckle.

865. If you want this girl to find you interesting enough to fall for you,

866. you're gonna have to... you know.

867. What? Be myself?

868. No! Do not do that.

869. You're gonna have to trick her.

870. Trick her? I don't wanna trick her.

871. I just wanna make sure she gets to see the real me.

872. And what's the real you, Liam?

873. A good and kind and, I think, a sensitive person.

874. Hold up.

875. Can I give you some free advice?

876. You wanna get ahead in the world,

877. you gotta think about yourself first.

878. Numero uno. It's a time-tested formula.

879. Just look at your politicians.

880. Okay. You know how when you're on a plane,

881. they say, "Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others"?

882. Yeah? Like that.

883. Except maybe you don't even have to help anyone else with their mask, right?

884. Who wants to share oxygen when a plane's going down, anyway?

885. Up top.

886. We need to work on that.

887. You two pieces of belly button lint wait here. I'll be right back.

888. What's up?

889. Whoa!

890. It's Post Malone!

891. Shut up.

892. Liam!

893. Dude!

894. What is up, man?

895. How are you, man?

896. You know Liam?

897. Hell yeah, I know Liam.

898. Liam is my inspiration.

899. Liam is— is my motivation, dude.

900. You're what drives me, man. Thank you so much for what you do.

901. Hey, hey, hey. What's up? I see you've already caught up with Posty.

902. What's up, bro? Great to see you. What's up, dude? Yes, sir.

903. Look, I have to go, but I wanted you to know.

904. I am going to kick this show's ass,

905. and I wanna dedicate it to you tonight, man.

906. I gotta go, dude, but I love you so much, man.

907. You're a living legend. You're an absolute stud.

908. You're the biggest beast on planet Earth, Liam.

909. You're the biggest rock star in the universe.

910. I love you so much, and I'll see you after the show, man.

911. Let's go! What's going on here?

912. Once again, and hopefully for the last time,

913. I can do cool shit.

914. But how'd you get him to know who I am?

915. I put him under a simple, little spell.

916. Don't worry, it's only temporary. But—

917. Don't ask how the sausage gets made, okay?

918. Here you go, Gibby. You're in the nosebleeds.

919. Nosebleeds? But I wanna sit with Liam.

920. Look, even Satan can't outtrick Ticketmaster. I'm not a bot.

921. It's Emma. She's at the seats. I gotta go.

922. Get going, Liam.

923. Gibby, the nosebleeds are that way and to the left. See you later.

924. Let's go!

925. Yeah!

926. Posty time. You excited?

927. I am too. Let's do this.

928. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

929. Whoo!

930. Thank you so very much, ladies and gentlemen.

931. Thank you so very much.

932. I had the most amazing night,

933. and I appreciate y'all's love so very much.

934. But, uh, I wanted to take a moment

935. and I wanted to bring up, uh, probably the most important man to my career,

936. and, uh, the inspiration for my music,

937. and the absolute biggest living legend, um, of all time.

938. Would you please come up here, man? Liam Turner.

939. What?

940. Oh!

941. Yeah! Liam! Liam!

942. Liam! Liam! Liam!

943. That's so cool! How come you never said anything?

944. Yeah!

945. I don't know what to do.

946. I can't sing, rap, dance, anything!

947. Have we built no trust here?

948. But what if I look stupid?

949. You've been looking stupid your whole life, kid.

950. This is your chance to show 'em you're not.

951. Let's go.

952. Yeah. You got this.

953. Yeah!

954. You rock, Liam!

955. You got anything you wanna say, Liam?

956. This song is dedicated to Emma.

957. Oh, my God. Is that Liam?

958. Wait, that is Liam!

959. Get a video. Get a video. Oh, my God!

960. Oh, my God. Liam! Liam! Liam!

961. Come on!

962. Come up.

963. Emma!

964. That looks like fun. I gotta get in there.

965. Go, Emma! Go, Emma! Go, Emma!

966. Go, Liam! Go, Liam!

967. Hey, hey! We love you, Liam!

968. Hey, that's my bestie.

969. Wanna go backstage with me and meet him after?

970. Are you kidding? Yes!

971. But I can't. I kinda have a boyfriend.

972. It wasn't a date. It was more of a meet and greet.

973. Go, Post! Go, Post!

974. Go, Post! Go, Post!

975. Yes!

976. I could go all night. I love this.

977. Let's go! Let's go!

978. Hey. Where'd you go tonight?

979. You have early onset dementia? I was at the concert.

980. No, I mean after the show.

981. I looked all over for you when I got offstage.

982. We were doing some fun stuff.

983. I left early. Ubered home. I was bored.

984. What? I danced with Post Malone

985. then made out with Emma, and that bored you?

986. You didn't make out with her.

987. It was just one kiss.

988. And I don't think she even touched your lip.

989. She did touch my lip. Looked like cheek to me.

990. It was way more lip than cheek. Way more.

991. Wait, I thought you said you left early.

992. Yeah, right after the cheek kiss.

993. Lip kiss! She got the corner, I swear.

994. Oh, you swear? To God or to the devil?

995. Come on, Gibby.

996. Just because Satan's come into my life,

997. doesn't mean I worship him now.

998. Oh, you sure?

999. What's wrong?

1000. I think you better come hear this.

1001. Okay.

1002. I never thought I'd say this,

1003. but meeting Satan might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

1004. Satan? So you're not worried about him

1005. tricking you into more wishes? When did he meet Satan?

1006. I don't know. Shh. What does that even mean?

1007. Nope. I'm one and done. No more wishes necessary.

1008. And by the way, tomorrow's the big Christmas carnival.

1009. It's gonna be the best night ever.

1010. The night where it all goes down.

1011. What's going down? What?

1012. What's gonna go down? I don't know.

1013. Hold on. I think someone's at the door.

1014. Must've been Blitzen. Where were we?

1015. You were saying tomorrow night, it all goes down. What goes down?

1016. I'm gonna kiss Emma for real. On the lips.

1017. Then there will be no question, buddy boy.

1018. Yeah, that's great.

1019. Gib. I finally got the girl of my dreams.

1020. Why aren't you happy for me?

1021. I'm happy for you.

1022. Come on, Gibby. What's wrong?

1023. This is what's wrong. This.

1024. Look, you get to be the star,

1025. and I can't even get a girl to talk to me.

1026. You know what, man?

1027. I'm just gonna hang up. I'll see you.

1028. Oh, wait, Gib!

1029. Oh, it's freezing. It's colder than a witch's tit.

1030. Why can't you leave the damn window open?

1031. It gets chilly out here.

1032. Come on. Open the window!

1033. I'm used to heat, man.

1034. Did you have to turn into a vulture?

1035. What, too on the nose? I was wondering about that. I should've gone for a bat.

1036. How much fun was that tonight?

1037. It was very fun.

1038. I'd almost forgotten

1039. how much fun it was to dance like that.

1040. Just dance like no one was watching you.

1041. Except the whole auditorium was, and that made it even better.

1042. Booyah!

1043. Hey.

1044. Did your gal Emma have a nice time?

1045. Yes.

1046. A very good time. I wanna thank you for that.

1047. Ew! Look, kid, do not be polite with me, okay?

1048. I'm not a fan of that crap. It's like nails on a chalkboard.

1049. Oh. I apologize for that, sir.

1050. Ugh! There you go again!

1051. You know, you're starting to annoy me.

1052. I come all the way up here to offer you any three wishes you want,

1053. and what does Mr. Goody Goody say?

1054. "Nah, I'll just take one."

1055. You're making me look bad.

1056. Actually, I wanted to ask you a question about your offer.

1057. Do go on.

1058. So, you said

1059. you'd only own my soul if I made three wishes.

1060. Is that true? I swear to God.

1061. So, that m—

1062. You swear to God?

1063. It's a figure of speech.

1064. I also say "go to hell" when I'm pissed,

1065. even though that'd be like other people saying, "Let's go to Bermuda."

1066. Okay, good. I'd like to make my second wish.

1067. Finally! Here we go. I was getting worried about you.

1068. So...

1069. what'll it be?

1070. Hi, Liam.

1071. Uh, hi? I guess.

1072. Good morning, buddy boy.

1073. Somebody's in a good mood today.

1074. Why wouldn't I be? It's a super-duper day to be alive.

1075. Dude, you look awesome! What happened?

1076. I woke up this morning, and my teeth were just fixed.

1077. My mom always told me I'd grow into them, and I guess she was right.

1078. My parents are happy. They were about to take me to go get braces.

1079. Perfect timing.

1080. What? Why?

1081. Me and Emma are going to the carnival tonight.

1082. Maybe you wanna double-date?

1083. You don't think she'd feel like a third wheel?

1084. No, I mean "double date" as in you bring a girl.

1085. I guess I could ask my cousin Arielle, but she's kinda picky.

1086. No, not someone you're related to.

1087. A real girl.

1088. I mean, you are a stud.

1089. S-U-T-D. A stud.

1090. Actually, maybe you're right.

1091. Me being this handsome might magically attract girls,

1092. so, you know, why bring sand to the beach?

1093. Tonight, I could be a free agent.

1094. Now you're talkin'.

1095. See you.

1096. Hey, Gibby.

1097. This is dope.

1098. Very.

1099. Hey, look. That's Liam.

1100. That is him. Isn't it?

1101. This is sick, buddy.

1102. Somehow or another, we became the cool kids.

1103. Who would've thunk it?

1104. Hey, where's Emma?

1105. Uh, she should be here any minute.

1106. Do you really think this is necessary?

1107. Molly, I don't know about you, but— but I-I-I'm terrified.

1108. He's been talking nonstop about Satan.

1109. But are we sure that we heard him say "Satan"

1110. and not "Jason" or "Layton" or—

1111. Who's Jason or Layton? I have no idea. I'm reaching.

1112. Listen, we both definitely heard him say

1113. that tonight is the night it all goes down.

1114. We gotta do somethin'.

1115. Hey, guys.

1116. Sorry I'm late.

1117. Gibby, you look so good.

1118. Everyone's talking about it.

1119. Thanks, Emma.

1120. I can't believe how much fun that was last night, Liam.

1121. Yeah, that was pretty fun.

1122. You're so humble.

1123. You never let on at all about any of your talents.

1124. I'ma get a corn dog.

1125. Uh, do you guys want one?

1126. Sure.

1127. Yeah. All right.

1128. Be right back.

1129. Are you ready?

1130. Yeah.

1131. Go get him.

1132. Me?

1133. Yeah. You're— He listens to you.

1134. I'm the driver. Fine, fine.

1135. You got it.

1136. Come and get them.

1137. Nitrates, sodium, artificial flavors.

1138. Really bad for you.

1139. Oh, hey there, kid.

1140. What are you doing here?

1141. I'm just staying close by, you know,

1142. in case I'm needed for, uh, say, a third and final wish.

1143. Yeah, well, you won't be.

1144. And I wanna thank you for your service.

1145. You wanna thank me for my service?

1146. I'm done. I really don't need anything else.

1147. Mm-hmm. Can I ask you something?

1148. Why aren't you taking credit for what you did for your buddy?

1149. What? Why should I?

1150. I mean, literally the only reason to do stuff for other people

1151. is to get the credit.

1152. So then they owe you something.

1153. What about doing something nice for a person

1154. because you care about them?

1155. Like out of kindness.

1156. I don't even know what you just said.

1157. I mean, I know all the words, but I just never heard them in that order.

1158. Like a selfless act.

1159. Still not following.

1160. Forget it.

1161. Hey, Mrs. Turner. Is everything all right?

1162. I'm Gibby, Liam's friend.

1163. The football player with cancer.

1164. Yeah, no, I know. Gibby, hi.

1165. God, you just look so healthy.

1166. The, uh, treatment seems to really be working.

1167. Yes, it's, uh, doing the trick.

1168. Have, um— Have you seen Liam? I— I just need to talk to him for a second.

1169. Yeah, he's over there at the corn dog stand.

1170. Corn dog. Okay. Thank you.

1171. Bye now.

1172. It was a pleasure doing business with you,

1173. but I made my two wishes and I wanna enjoy them.

1174. So no offense, but bye.

1175. Oh! Oh. And can I get three corn dogs?

1176. Not a wish. I'm paying cash.

1177. Coming right up!

1178. Three corn dogs, extra goat lips.

1179. On the house.

1180. Extra spicy.

1181. Enjoy.

1182. And don't chew with your mouth open. It's gross.

1183. Mom, what are you doing here?

1184. Liam, I've been looking for you. I just need you to come with me, please.

1185. Right now? Yeah, right now.

1186. But I'm with my friends.

1187. Liam, honey, this will only take a moment.

1188. Everything's okay. Just come with me.

1189. What are you doing? Why are you pulling me so hard?

1190. Come on. Hey, come on. Emma and Gibby.

1191. Let's go, let's go. It's okay.

1192. I just— I missed you. No— Wait.

1193. I needed to see you quick. What's Daddy doing here?

1194. Honey, how was the carnival? We loved the carnival.

1195. I got him! I got him! All right. Liam. Give me the corn dogs!

1196. Come on. I see it. Wait! Help!

1197. I see it. I got it. Be careful! Don't hurt him.

1198. I did it already. Liam, lean back.

1199. Let's go.

1200. Why are you doing this? Because we love you.

1201. This is a horrible way to show it. I'm on a date.

1202. Of course you are.

1203. Everything's gonna be all right, Liam.

1204. We're gonna do a few tests and keep you overnight.

1205. Now I'm gonna go talk to your parents about a course of treatment.

1206. Be right back.

1207. Course of treatment?

1208. Take me to Christmas carnival, please.

1209. What the hell did they do to you, McMurphy?

1210. Who's McMurphy?

1211. Cuckoo's Nest.

1212. It saddens me that you don't know that.

1213. Now, listen up, comrade.

1214. I can get you out of here in two seconds.

1215. Really? Of course.

1216. You've still got your third wish, remember?

1217. Yeah, well, I'm not giving you my soul.

1218. No deal.

1219. Okay, your call.

1220. Just looks like your friends are having so much fun

1221. at the Winter Christmas Carnival.

1222. Liam never even said goodbye, though.

1223. I hope he's okay.

1224. Ah, I'm sure he's fine.

1225. I'm not fine.

1226. How are you doing, Gibby?

1227. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

1228. I know how freaked out people can get when they find out someone has... cancer.

1229. Yeah. Oh, you've gotta be joking me.

1230. They look at you like you're a patient, not a person.

1231. You don't even have cancer!

1232. Well, I think you're really brave.

1233. Soldiers are brave.

1234. I'm just courageous.

1235. This kid is good.

1236. You gotta hand it to him. He's got the moves.

1237. He does not have the moves at all.

1238. I don't know, Liam.

1239. Looks like they're really hitting it off.

1240. Gibby, do you mind me asking what kind of cancer you have?

1241. The super-duper bad kind.

1242. You got to admit, Liam,

1243. they make a cute couple.

1244. No, they do not!

1245. Stop it.

1246. I know what you're trying to do.

1247. I'm not making my third wish.

1248. Now get out of here.

1249. Okay, your call.

1250. I'll just head back to my room.

1251. You have a room over here?

1252. I'm staying at the Red Rum Motor Lodge.

1253. You can probably guess my room number.

1254. It's 666, just in case you didn't know.

1255. It's gonna be okay.

1256. Whatever this is, we'll— we'll get through it together.

1257. Uh, I have bad news.

1258. He does not have a brain tumor.

1259. Damn it!

1260. Well, what is it then?

1261. Why is he acting this way?

1262. Why are you acting this way? This is good news.

1263. Talking about Lucifer and-and Post Malone.

1264. That's good news?

1265. Be honest, Doc. Is there any hope?

1266. Usually, I— I'm a "optimistic person,"

1267. but in this particular case, I've gotta tell you,

1268. the delusions seem to be more acute— Dr. Finkleman.

1269. Do you know who that is in there? In where?

1270. In the imaging room.

1271. That's the kid that blew Post Malone off the stage last night.

1272. What? No, no, no.

1273. Don't— Don't listen to him.

1274. He— He's— He's a little delirious right now.

1275. Mmm. No. I was there.

1276. Where? At the show.

1277. The kid killed. He's a rock star.

1278. Here. Is this person a patient?

1279. This.

1280. Right? Oh, my God.

1281. Oh, my God. That's Liam! Liam.

1282. Who took him to this? There's a lot of people there.

1283. Is he moonwalking? It's not great, but it's spirited.

1284. He's so cool.

1285. That's our son? This was last night? Oh, my God.

1286. Uh-oh. Here's when we all went backstage. What?

1287. Liam! Liam! Liam! Is he playing beer pong?

1288. What?

1289. Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Yeah!

1290. He's so good at beer pong.

1291. Oh, no.

1292. Yeah. Liam! Liam! Liam!

1293. Liam, can we just talk for a moment?

1294. No! You ruined my life!

1295. Look, I know it was scary.

1296. It's just that the doctors were try— were—

1297. Liam, honey, we—

1298. I should've believed him.

1299. What, that he was a rock star?

1300. I mean, why would you believe that?

1301. Because he said he was.

1302. And he's my son.

1303. You did everything a good father would do.

1304. Did I? Under the circumstances,

1305. yeah.

1306. Hey, you are a really good father, Bill.

1307. Really, you're amazing.

1308. Thank you.

1309. Oh, and, Bill,

1310. I'm sorry you never got that pony when you were a kid.

1311. Hey.

1312. Hey. What the heck happened to you tonight?

1313. My parents are freaks. That's what happened.

1314. Well, we missed you, man. Wasn't as fun without you.

1315. Oh, really? Sure looked like you were having a good time.

1316. What do you mean?

1317. You were all over her.

1318. I saw everything. Satan showed it to me.

1319. Satan showed it to you? Yeah.

1320. He put it on the monitor.

1321. So, you were just spying on us?

1322. I was riveted.

1323. "The super-duper bad kind."

1324. Please.

1325. You were the one who came up with the cancer lie.

1326. I guess that no good deed goes unpunished.

1327. So, making up a story that I'm dying is your good deed?

1328. No. Fixing your teeth was my good deed.

1329. What? That's right.

1330. I used my second wish to straighten out your teeth.

1331. I didn't go after Emma.

1332. And I never asked you to fix my teeth.

1333. Yeah, well, I was being a good friend. You should try it sometime.

1334. Maybe he's right.

1335. Maybe he did meet the devil.

1336. Oh, come on.

1337. You're the one who said that we should believe him.

1338. Within reason.

1339. Bill, you saw him.

1340. He was singing and dancing and he was playing beer pong.

1341. Our son can't do any of those things.

1342. Maybe he was practicing at school.

1343. Beer pong in middle school?

1344. Maybe it was lemonade pong.

1345. Okay, yeah.

1346. Well, obviously, he's a natural.

1347. I mean, I was in a frat.

1348. Yes, we know.

1349. There's gotta be some explanation.

1350. Yeah, maybe there is.

1351. Maybe he's telling the truth.

1352. Are you listening to yourself, Molly?

1353. You're actually wondering out loud if there really is a devil?

1354. Well, if there isn't, then who took Spencer from us?

1355. God?

1356. Would God take Liam's little brother away from him?

1357. There are bad things in this world, Bill— horrible things—

1358. and we've seen them firsthand.

1359. Where do you think they come from?

1360. Stop it, Molly.

1361. Spencer didn't die because of God or the devil.

1362. He died because—

1363. Because I let them play outside without watching them.

1364. Just say it. It was my fault.

1365. I didn't say that. But you were thinking it.

1366. Don't tell me what I'm thinking, okay? You certainly don't tell me.

1367. Maybe it's because I don't know what I think anymore!

1368. Nothing around here makes any damn sense.

1369. Yeah, I know you don't.

1370. Maybe tomorrow, I'll just go to my sister's for a while.

1371. Yeah, maybe you should.

1372. Yeah, I think it'll be better for everyone.

1373. Yeah, stay as long as you'd like.

1374. I give up.

1375. If you need me, I'll be on my couch.

1376. And a-one, two, three, four.

1377. Two, two, three, four.

1378. And three, two, three, four.

1379. Four, two, three, four.

1380. In other news, entertainer Post Malone... Kick— What?

1381. checked himself into Emory Medical Center for extensive tests yesterday

1382. after posting on social media how he woke up

1383. and had no recollection of a two-hour concert

1384. he gave at the Neary Theater. I did that.

1385. Hey, guys. Um, Posty here.

1386. Um, weird story.

1387. So, uh, I'm sitting in the greenroom, getting ready for a show,

1388. and all of a sudden, I wake up and it's the next day.

1389. And, uh, I don't even remember what happened.

1390. But I appreciate the love... He didn't know what hit him.

1391. and, um, I'm doing great now.

1392. Well, that sure sounds scary.

1393. It sure is. But you know what?

1394. His fans weren't complaining at all.

1395. In fact, many in attendance thought it was one of his best shows ever.

1396. Now that's what I'm talking about. We sure have.

1397. Best show he's done in year—

1398. Damn, Uber Eats is fast.

1399. Coming.

1400. Double stuffed pizza crust.

1401. Well, well, well.

1402. I wanna make my third wish.

1403. Please, come in.

1404. What are you wearing?

1405. Oh, it's just a little exercise thing

1406. I picked up at the store.

1407. Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.

1408. Hey, Liam.

1409. I know you're upset, but I just wanted to say good night, okay?

1410. Liam.

1411. Liam, come on.

1412. Bill. Bill!

1413. So let me try to get this straight.

1414. You're saying your third wish is you want your parents to not get a divorce?

1415. That's right.

1416. It's a little vague. I mean, theoretically,

1417. they could stay together but still be miserable.

1418. No.

1419. I want them to smile again.

1420. Go out to dinner.

1421. Watch a band.

1422. Hug, kiss, laugh.

1423. And not say horrible things to each other.

1424. That kind of staying together.

1425. Okay.

1426. So, you can do it?

1427. I'm usually pro-divorce,

1428. but hell, yes, I can do it.

1429. So, then what will happen to me?

1430. Do I die and go straight to hell?

1431. No, no, no, no, not yet.

1432. Not for a good 70 to 85 years

1433. if you watch your weight and get your 10,000 steps a day in.

1434. Until then, do me a favor.

1435. Have some fun.

1436. What kind of fun?

1437. Fun, fun.

1438. You're literally going to hell.

1439. You might as well have fun with it.

1440. Be a jerk.

1441. Don't hold the door.

1442. In fact, slam the door in people's faces.

1443. Rip a juicy one on the bus.

1444. Tell people what you really think about 'em right to their face,

1445. even if it's rude.

1446. Feels good.

1447. What if I enjoy being nice to people?

1448. You don't.

1449. You just believe you do because you're worried about what people think.

1450. How do you know?

1451. I may be Satan,

1452. but I'm also a keen observer of the human "condish."

1453. Now, come on, kid.

1454. Let's make it official.

1455. How?

1456. In a clear voice— no mumbling— just say,

1457. "With this third and final wish, Satan, you now have my soul,"

1458. and then ask for the wish.

1459. With this third and final wish, Satan,

1460. you now have my soul. You now have my soul.

1461. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1462. Go ahead now.

1463. Ask for the third wishie.

1464. Imagine getting to see your mom smile again.

1465. A real smile, guilt-free.

1466. Your dad too.

1467. I wish my parents would stay together, in love, forever.

1468. Sucker!

1469. I'm just messing with you.

1470. Congrats. Welcome to the squad.

1471. What? Why so blue?

1472. Why so blue?

1473. I just sold my soul to the devil.

1474. Adorable.

1475. Totes adorbs.

1476. That's what they all say at first,

1477. but once you get the hang of it, you're gonna have a blast.

1478. Ooh, I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

1479. You never understand.

1480. Aw, cheer up, dude.

1481. Slam that door.

1482. Where is he? Where could he be?

1483. He was angry. He probably went for a walk.

1484. Look, let me just pull over for a minute so I can think.

1485. I don't wanna fight with you anymore about Liam.

1486. I know you think I'm the one to blame for all of this.

1487. What are you talking about?

1488. I let him believe in Santa.

1489. I baby him. I don't challenge him enough.

1490. Molly, I don't blame you for this.

1491. And I never blamed you for Spencer.

1492. The truth is, if I blame anyone...

1493. it was me.

1494. You?

1495. Why?

1496. Why was I not there that day?

1497. What was so important that I couldn't be there?

1498. I was golfing.

1499. Can you believe that? I was fricking golfing.

1500. It was a Saturday, Bill.

1501. You were out having a little bit of fun with your friends.

1502. There's nothing wrong with that.

1503. It wasn't your fault.

1504. And it wasn't yours.

1505. It was an accident.

1506. It wasn't your fault.

1507. It was nobody's fault.

1508. It's the first time you've ever said that.

1509. I guess I just didn't wanna talk about it.

1510. Yeah, well, I did.

1511. And I needed to.

1512. I'm sorry.

1513. I'm so sorry.

1514. I'm sorry too.

1515. Look. Oh, thank God.

1516. Liam!

1517. What are you doing?

1518. Hi.

1519. I'm just getting in my 10,000 steps.

1520. You're getting your what?

1521. You get in this car, silly.

1522. Buckle up.

1523. You know what I'm gonna do when we get home?

1524. I'm gonna bake us a batch of those Rudolph the Reindeer pastries

1525. you guys love so much.

1526. Oh, boy.

1527. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1528. What do you think you're doing?

1529. We've been over this, slick.

1530. You don't cross till you hear the word "go."

1531. Go. There.

1532. How many times do I have to say this? I am in—

1533. Oh, my God!

1534. Slow down! What was—

1535. No! Children!

1536. Hey! No!

1537. Hey! Do your job, you banana head!

1538. I am doing my job.

1539. You don't know.

1540. You didn't take the course.

1541. Oh. Look who it is.

1542. Mr. Dance-On-The-Stage Guy.

1543. Wow. That's a good one.

1544. Are all your insults that good?

1545. Do you just describe something a person did but in a snarky tone?

1546. Masterful.

1547. I've tried to be nice to you.

1548. And that's gotten really boring and tiresome.

1549. So instead, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

1550. You're so insecure about yourself,

1551. rather than develop any personality,

1552. you bully other kids who you think won't fight back.

1553. You gonna let him talk to you like that, Aiden?

1554. Yeah, he will, 'cause he's a coward.

1555. Stand up to any bully,

1556. and you'll see their true colors.

1557. Deep down, they're just—

1558. We done here?

1559. Yeah. I'm good.

1560. Good.

1561. Gentlemen.

1562. All right, students.

1563. Let's flip the on switch to your medulla oblongatas.

1564. Now, I know this is the last day before your Christmas break.

1565. Whoo!

1566. But your frail little minds must not wander into the land of sugarplums.

1567. Has anyone in here actually ever had a sugarplum?

1568. Hmm? That tasty 17th-century delicacy.

1569. Other than me, obviously.

1570. Liar. You are a liar, son.

1571. I want you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

1572. as we discuss probably one of the most overrated books in history,

1573. To Kill a Mockingbird.

1574. Now, if I was publisher, I would've titled it To Kill a Manuscript.

1575. Oh, Mr. Turner,

1576. is your head in the clouds again?

1577. Don't start with me today, bud. Not in the mood.

1578. What did you just say to me?

1579. Did I stutter?

1580. Mr. Turner, what on earth has gotten into you?

1581. I'm just getting tired of your act.

1582. My act, is it?

1583. Yeah, constantly putting down great books

1584. to help you feel better about your own failures.

1585. I mean, what have you ever written?

1586. Nothing, right?

1587. Nothing good, anyway,

1588. or you wouldn't be a sixth-grade English teacher.

1589. Wow. That was quite the kill shot there, Liam.

1590. You actually might have a point.

1591. Certainly, my father and ex-wife would agree with your assessment.

1592. Emma.

1593. Emma, wait.

1594. What?

1595. Oh, I wanted to apologize

1596. for running out in the middle of our date.

1597. Don't worry about it.

1598. Gibby told me your mom needed you at home.

1599. You wanna walk home together?

1600. I don't think so.

1601. Oh.

1602. Um, why?

1603. You were a jerk.

1604. What?

1605. In class with Mr. Charles.

1606. You were totally soul-crushing.

1607. You called him a failure in front of the whole class.

1608. You know, I broke up with Aiden because I thought I found someone nice.

1609. Turns out I was wrong.

1610. You're nothing but a bully.

1611. Goodbye.

1612. We're gonna go back-to-back. On three. We're doing bubble judging.

1613. We'll see who— Dad, can you count to three?

1614. Yeah. One, two, three. Spencer, that's...

1615. Count down. Okay, ready?

1616. All right, Mom's gonna count it down.

1617. Three, two, one.

1618. Guys, on one. Okay. It's a duel.

1619. I didn't know what was happening.

1620. I'm gonna catch it. I'm gonna catch it. It's like a hot dog.

1621. Yeah, be very gentle. Like it's your child.

1622. Good job, Mom. You did so good.

1623. The biggest bubble that lasted that long.

1624. High five. That was beautiful. My number one— My number one fan.

1625. I'm trying to slice these bubbles. Wait, Liam. Wait.

1626. Hey. Hey.

1627. Whatcha doing?

1628. Nothing.

1629. Just watching old videos of my brother.

1630. You have a brother?

1631. Yeah.

1632. Well, I used to.

1633. Spencer, he, um— he died.

1634. What?

1635. Why didn't you ever tell me that? You wouldn't let me, remember?

1636. You wanted to talk about the Impossible Burger lasagna.

1637. Oh, by the way, I tried it. It is good.

1638. Oh, crap.

1639. I'm so, so sorry.

1640. That's a rough one, man.

1641. Thanks, Gibby.

1642. I'm really sorry about what I said the other night.

1643. I know you weren't trying to, you know, with Emma.

1644. I would hope not.

1645. What kind of monster do you think I am, man?

1646. It's Satan's fault.

1647. He made me suspicious.

1648. Isn't that one of the seven deadly sins?

1649. Are there really seven?

1650. What chance do we have?

1651. Actually, it's my fault too.

1652. I should've never fixed your teeth without your permission.

1653. I was drunk with power.

1654. Well, I'm sorry too.

1655. I kinda suspected

1656. you were the one who, you know, fixed my teeth.

1657. You did?

1658. Come on, I'm not an idiot.

1659. I guess I just didn't wanna admit that Satan was helping me too.

1660. Yeah, I guess there is a bit of a stigma to that.

1661. I was being a jerk.

1662. I mean,

1663. you used your last freebie wish on me.

1664. You could've fixed your own physical malformities,

1665. but instead, you thought of me.

1666. That's pretty cool.

1667. What physical malformities?

1668. Huh?

1669. Anyway, Merry Christmas, Liam.

1670. You too, Gib.

1671. You're a good friend.

1672. Right back at ya, bestie.

1673. So, what do you think happened to Satan?

1674. Meh, I'm sure he's back down there, sitting on his throne.

1675. Welcome back to hell, my loyal subject.

1676. I trust you traveled safely.

1677. Yes, your lowness. Thank you for asking.

1678. It was a smooth trip, indeed.

1679. I was being facetious, you dumb-ass.

1680. Not only did you go rogue without my permission,

1681. you also failed miserably on your mission.

1682. I can't take that kid's soul.

1683. W-W-Why not?

1684. I'll tell you... why not.

1685. 'Cause you screwed the pooch.

1686. That was only once, and I was going through a thing.

1687. First of all, ew.

1688. And I mean you screwed up big time.

1689. So, your deal with this kid, Liam, is null and void.

1690. Null and void?

1691. Mm-hmm. It's a legal term. I know that.

1692. No. I don't know if you know it.

1693. 'Cause when I said "null and void," you said "null and void?" Like that.

1694. Like you didn't have any idea what that meant.

1695. I know null and void. Hang on a second.

1696. Just out of curiosity, what-what is the definition of null and void, hmm?

1697. Null and void, I think it means, like...

1698. "Null" means, like, "no."

1699. And "void" means—

1700. I mean, "void" means "null and void."

1701. You know, null and void.

1702. Okay, so, null and void means "null and void"?

1703. Yes.

1704. That's like saying hippopotamus means, uh, "hippopotamus."

1705. Okay, I don't know null and void.

1706. But how did I screw up?

1707. I got him to ask for the three wishes, fair and square.

1708. They're supposed to be evil wishes, you moron.

1709. Or at least shallow and greedy wishes.

1710. He asked me to be with a cute girl. That's shallow and greedy.

1711. Yeah, but, I mean, you tricked him into it.

1712. Oh, come on. He wanted her. You know that.

1713. Okay. Maybe he did. All right. I'll give you that one.

1714. But the other two were definitely pure and for the benefit of others.

1715. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to work with someone like that?

1716. Plus, B-T-Dubs, you got a soul under false pretenses.

1717. But that's our MO.

1718. Since when do we not operate under false pretenses?

1719. You pretended to be me.

1720. Never. I never said I was you.

1721. I explained how there was no way that I was you,

1722. that there was only one real Satan, you,

1723. and how the rest of us just aid and serve you,

1724. but that, without question, you, your lowness, are the one and only big D—

1725. You're lying.

1726. Yeah. I mean, of course.

1727. I'm a liar.

1728. Now, take off those bullshit horns already!

1729. Oh. Yeah. Uh...

1730. I was just wearing them until I earned my real horns.

1731. Yeah, well, that's not happening.

1732. You're not getting horns, and you'll never be a real demon.

1733. What? Come on!

1734. Can't you just give me one more shot at it?

1735. That kid was a tough nut to crack.

1736. I tried everything. He was incorruptible.

1737. Look, no offense, but just— I mean...

1738. It's just not a good fit anymore. You know?

1739. What are you talking about? I busted my ass for you for centuries.

1740. I understand,

1741. but some "demigorgons" and demidemons

1742. are just not meant to be full demons, okay?

1743. Sorry.

1744. It's not me, it's you.

1745. Seriously?

1746. You have one hour to say your bye-byes.

1747. Wow.

1748. Tootles.

1749. That's the first time I've ever said "tootles."

1750. I-I never say that. Just so you know.

1751. That was the first time I said "B-T-Dubs."

1752. Satan?

1753. No, it's Santy Claus. Open the window!

1754. Deal's off. What?

1755. The deal's off. I can't take your soul.

1756. What are you talking about? Why is it off?

1757. I decided I didn't want it.

1758. Why didn't you want my soul?

1759. Uh...

1760. Wasn't my type.

1761. It's a long story. The bottom line is, you have your soul back

1762. and you're never going to hell. Sorry.

1763. Wait. If you didn't have my soul,

1764. then how was I able to talk trash to Mr. Charles

1765. and the crossing guard

1766. and stand up to Aiden?

1767. Kinda.

1768. That wasn't me.

1769. You were finally standing up for yourself.

1770. Though I did think you were a little hard on Mr. Charles.

1771. You thought so too?

1772. A little.

1773. Wait. Why would you come all the way here just to tell me that?

1774. Um, I'm considerate.

1775. Satan isn't considerate.

1776. That's a stereotype.

1777. Satan can be complex.

1778. I mean, I can be complex.

1779. You don't have your— You're not Satan.

1780. Uh...

1781. I never said I was.

1782. Yes, you did. Numerous times!

1783. Sorry. Caught me in a lie.

1784. I knew you weren't really Satan.

1785. Why would Satan stay at the Red Rum Motor Lodge?

1786. They got free Wi-Fi.

1787. And I like their croissants.

1788. So, who are you?

1789. I was just a low-level demon.

1790. "Demigorgon."

1791. A fraud.

1792. So that's it?

1793. Yep. You get to keep your soul

1794. and you're never gonna go to hell.

1795. And thanks to your candy-ass wishes, I'm banished from hell forever.

1796. Oh, geez.

1797. I'm so sorry about that. I—

1798. Ah, it's all right.

1799. Hell ain't all it's cracked up to be.

1800. Talk about your horrible bosses.

1801. Anyway, kid, Merry Christmas.

1802. Thank you.

1803. Merry Christmas to you too.

1804. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it,

1805. but I really enjoyed hanging out with you and getting to know you.

1806. You're a good kid, Liam.

1807. Thank you.

1808. You're very welcome.

1809. And I like Emma too. She's a doll.

1810. And Gibby...

1811. How much fun was that seeing him with those new teeth? That smile.

1812. Did you see that joy, that little glimmer in his eye?

1813. That kid's got a heart of gold.

1814. His old teeth, yikes.

1815. You could open up a bottle of beer on those chompers.

1816. I mean, bottle of pop.

1817. So, what are you gonna do with yourself?

1818. For Christmas? I usually order Chinese and watch some hoops.

1819. No. I mean, like, for good?

1820. Oh.

1821. I actually feel like I'm starting a new chapter of my life,

1822. and it's pretty refreshing.

1823. It's a totally different career path.

1824. Anyhoo, I gotta go now.

1825. Oh, yeah!

1826. One more thing.

1827. Your third wish was null and void.

1828. What? What do you mean?

1829. Don't ask me about null and void.

1830. It's a legal term. Very complicated.

1831. The point is you can't wish for something that's already happened.

1832. Your parents got back together on their own, so that canceled out your wish.

1833. Wh— Really? Really.

1834. So it turns out you had another wish coming.

1835. I didn't have much time, so I just put in what you asked for in your letter.

1836. My letter? I thought you said you didn't read it.

1837. Oh, I was in the bathroom doing my business and I needed something.

1838. My letter.

1839. I didn't know I could wish for that.

1840. You can wish for anything you want, kid.

1841. It's Christmas.

1842. See ya!

1843. Rudolph the Reindeer pastries. Bill!

1844. Okay, first off, it's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

1845. Wha— And these are actually your all-time worst.

1846. What? They— They look like seals.

1847. Seals? Yeah.

1848. No, they've got antlers. No.

1849. They're anatomically correct. Okay.

1850. I— Don't— No.

1851. Like, why are you... I think I nailed the back.

1852. nice touch, gumdrop nose...

1853. I think I nailed the back.

1854. Dear Santa.

1855. I know it's ridiculous that I'm writing you this letter.

1856. After all, I'm 11.

1857. But, hey, I figure it can't hurt.

1858. I know this is a crazy thing to ask for.

1859. Thank you so much. Thank you. I just— You got it. Yeah.

1860. But if anyone is used to being asked for crazy things, it's you.

1861. Merry Christmas.

1862. Well, look who's up. Merry Christmas, buddy.

1863. Why don't you go see what Santa brought you?

1864. I only want one thing for Christmas.

1865. And I'm pretty sure

1866. I'll only want one thing for the rest of my life.

1867. Please, please...

1868. can you bring my brother back?

1869. Yes!

1870. Hey, Liam. Merry Christmas.

1871. What are you waiting for? Open up your presents.

1872. I just did.

1873. What are you doing?

1874. Mom, can you tell Liam to stop it?

1875. I love you so much.

1876. Okay, okay. I love you too. Ma, tell him to let go of me.

1877. You know how much Liam loves Christmas, Spence.

1878. Get 'em while they're hot! Oh, no.

1879. Wow. Chef Dad.

1880. So delicious. Thanks.

1881. Who's this from? The Harrisons.

1882. From the old neighborhood? Yeah.

1883. Yeah. I liked them.

1884. They had a skating rink in their backyard

1885. and the pug who chased pucks.

1886. That's right. God, I miss them.

1887. Remind me why we ever left Connecticut.

1888. Because you wanted to move.

1889. My pony! What? Oh, my God.

1890. I got my fricking pony!

1891. Oh, my God, Bill.

1892. Oh, my. Bill.

1893. Thank you, sweetie.

1894. Me? I...

1895. Oh, okay. All right. Well, I should be the one thanking you.

1896. Why didn't you tell me you found the tree topper?

1897. I-I didn't find it.

1898. Okay, yeah, right. As if I believe you.

1899. Yeah. Okay. You...

1900. Best Christmas ever.

1901. It's fine. All right? Yeah. I think so.

1902. Hey, Gibby. Merry Christmas.

1903. Yeah. Yeah. You too.

1904. So, did it kick in yet, you being with team Satan now?

1905. No. Long story.

1906. But everything turned out great.

1907. And I got my soul back.

1908. Wow.

1909. Guess what.

1910. Things are about to get even better.

1911. 'Cause I just convinced Emma to give you another chance.

1912. Wait. Really? How? What did you say?

1913. Well, I know she's into the whole sympathy thing,

1914. so I told her about your dead brother.

1915. Uh-oh.

1916. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

1917. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

1918. Hold up.

1919. Slow down, Lance Armstrong.

1920. Oh, I do apologize. I didn't realize there were any cars coming.

1921. Yeah. I'll tell you when there's no cars.

1922. Oh, my.

1923. I must say, I appreciate a woman who is keen to her professional duties.

1924. Now, may I be so bold as to ask...

1925. Yes?

1926. What is it you're doing here today?

1927. I mean, do they have you working on Christmas Day?

1928. Oh.

1929. No, I sorta just showed up.

1930. Didn't have anything else going on.

1931. I actually had nothing going on either, so I... I don't know.

1932. I thought I'd just go for a bike ride.

1933. Uh, please, go ahead. Right.

1934. Yeah.

1935. You wouldn't, by chance, uh,

1936. be interested in heading over to the Royal Garden perhaps?

1937. Eating some Chinese food.

1938. Maybe watching some hoops.

1939. I think they have the best crab rangoons in town.

1940. But of course— I don't mean to put you out.

1941. You had me at "rangoons."

1942. Then it's a date.

1943. Hop on, milady.

1944. Second thought, uh, how about we take a brisk walk?

1945. Oh.

1946. Shall I? Yeah.

1947. Let's shove off.

1948. You must be from England. Are you?

1949. Jersey. New Jersey, actually. Yes.

1950. The Princeton area of course.

1951. That explains the accent.

1952. Yes. Yes, yes.