Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth (2004)

1. Why'd you pick San Francisco to shoot your special?

2. This is one of the best towns that ever knew comedy.

3. And this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned.

4. 'Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here.

5. Yeah, all the best came through the Bay.

6. What about Richard? What about Robin Williams?

7. Carlin? Mooney?

8. You don't necessarily have to be the biggest star.

9. As long as you come with it then people coming out.

10. They like to see live performances...

11. because it's a savvy audience.

12. San Francisco, are you ready?

13. I don't think he can hear you.

14. Are you ready?

15. Welcome to the show. Here's Dave Chappelle.

16. Oh, man.

17. Oh, shit.

18. Yes, bring it on, man.

19. Yes, thank you. Thank you all.

20. Thank you for coming.

21. God damn.

22. I did it big this year.

23. From cable, nigger, goddamn.

24. Thanks for coming out and thanks for making a nigger feel comfortable...

25. in the gayest place on earth.

26. You guys got Disney World jealous about this, motherfuckers.

27. Man. I didn't really think it was that gay at first.

28. 'Cause when I was coming here...

29. everyone was like, man, that place is really gay.

30. What the fuck is everybody talking about? It's not so gay.

31. And then I wandered into that Castro. God damn.

32. I said, "This is America's anus right here." This shit is deep.

33. I went to that Tenderloin.

34. There's nothing tender about that motherfucker at all.

35. That shit was rough. The opposite of tender.

36. I have never seen crack smoked so casually before.

37. These niggers was sitting in front of Starbucks...

38. smoking crack and drinking coffee. I said, this is off the hook.

39. Talking about politics...

40. I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car, man...

41. and it struck a chord with me. I tried to stop it.

42. I said, "Hey!" And he looked back and saw me and said:

43. "Keep an eye out."

44. I said, "Nigger, that was me that said that. I'm not trying to help you.

45. "I want this shit to stop."

46. Crackheads are like that.

47. I had a crackhead break my car window one time. Broke it.

48. You know what he stole?

49. Fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat. That's all he took.

50. Just a goddamn candy bar. I was so mad...

51. I drove around the neighborhood for five hours...

52. looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did this.

53. I finally found him, I grabbed him.

54. I said, "Hey, man, what's all this chocolate on your face?

55. "Motherfucker."

56. He looked confused. "Chocolate?

57. "This is doo-doo, baby." I said...

58. Oh, man.

59. This place is insane.

60. But you know what I like about San Fran...

61. and the reason I picked this city to do my special is because...

62. of all the major cities in America, somehow, people get along here better...

63. than anywhere else I've seen in the country.

64. That's right.

65. And I always admire San Fran for that. And today, I've realized how you did it.

66. put all the niggers on the other side of that bridge.

67. They sure ain't happy on that side.

68. You leave San Francisco, they're like, "Bye, thanks for coming to San Francisco.

69. "Come back in April, we're having a sale on Birkenstocks."

70. When you get to the other side, "Welcome to Oakland, bitch."

71. Click. Click.

72. It's fucking crazy. But it also feels like it's an East Coast city...

73. in the West Coast. You guys got subways and shit.

74. I'm scared of public transportation.

75. I was on a bus that was held hostage...

76. 45 minutes.

77. Wasn't life-threatening. Don't get that impression.

78. It was a dude jerking off. But the shit was scary, son.

79. It was scary.

80. Right before it happened, I was on the bus smoking a cigarette.

81. It's a long story. It's not the coolest shit I ever did...

82. and people freaked out. "Sir!

83. "Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay?

84. "This is everybody's air, sir."

85. I flicked it. I didn't want any trouble.

86. And just at that moment...

87. coincidentally, this homeless dude, out of nowhere pulls his dick out.

88. Started beating off.

89. And I was furious.

90. 'Cause nobody's saying shit to this guy. They was just looking like, "My God."

91. I was the only one on the bus that had the balls to talk to him.

92. It's not even like I was brave, really, it was that...

93. I was sitting next to the motherfucker. I had to say something.

94. Come on, dog, you're hitting my elbow.

95. Stop. Son, just stop.

96. It's all I said. I didn't wanna say too much.

97. Guy's beating off on the bus, means there's something wrong with him.

98. He's not wrapped so tight. I didn't wanna push him over the edge.

99. Soon as I said something, all these dummies on the bus, now they're brave.

100. "Oh, he's right."

101. "put your goddamn cock away. I don't wanna see this anymore."

102. "I don't wanna see it either."Yeah."

103. Now, the guy flips out.

104. "All right, everybody, back up, back the fuck up.

105. "I tried to be nice about this."

106. Now, everybody freaks out.

107. "Oh, my God, it's a biological attack."

108. I'm caught in the middle. I can't lose my cool.

109. I said "Everybody just calm the fuck down or you're going to get me shot.

110. "Let's all just be cool.

111. "Let's do what this man says, so he'll leave us alone."

112. Now everybody gets quiet.

113. "That's better.

114. "That is better."

115. And then he started walking up and down the aisles, just terrorizing us.

116. And then he starts making demands.

117. "You in the pink shirt...

118. "squeeze your tits together."

119. "Oh, God, no."

120. "You. Stick your finger in your butt." "Why? Oh, God, why is this happening?"

121. "Oh, God."

122. He was working my way. The shit was tight.

123. Just that minute, I got saved, dudes. I was so lucky.

124. This guy, the other in the bus, he snapped.

125. He lost his mind. I seen it happen.

126. He screamed out, "Rush him.

127. "He can't come on all of us." He charges down the aisle.

128. And it's like a movie. This homeless dude's seen him coming.

129. He shot one off.

130. I dodged that shit like The Matrix, nigger.

131. The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, though.

132. "No!"

133. That shit was gross.

134. It didn't kill him, but it was... I'm sure that fucked his day up.

135. You're not gonna have a normal day if a homeless dude...

136. busts a nut on your forehead at 8:30 in the morning.

137. That's a wrap on the rest of the day.

138. That guy was freaking out. "It burns!"

139. Everyone was standing around looking at him. Even the homeless dude felt bad.

140. I guess he was finished, he came back to his senses.

141. "Oh, this is my stop."

142. I said, "Relax, motherfucker." I had to say something.

143. "Oh, I can't. I got AIDS, I know it."

144. I said, "You can't get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a nut on your forehead.

145. "That's not how it spreads."

146. I don't know if it's true. That's just what I told him.

147. He was so scared, I had to say something.

148. I don't know where AIDS comes from. Who the fuck knows?

149. Scientists don't even know.

150. Scientists still say AIDS started 'cause somebody had sex with a monkey.

151. Word?

152. After all this research, the best explanation that you came up with...

153. Nobody fucks monkeys and people, you idiot.

154. You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people.

155. That's it. There's no in-between.

156. You're not gonna get monkey pussy on Tuesday...

157. and then be like, "Well, let me call Charlene," on Thursday.

158. No. Once you fuck a monkey, that's a firm decision.

159. I'm out of the human pussy game for good.

160. It's ridiculous. They act like monkeys are just as open as...

161. waiting for people to fuck them, man.

162. Monkeys don't wanna be fucked by people.

163. Think about it. Think about how hard it would be to catch a monkey...

164. and fuck it. That's ridiculous.

165. That's how it had to go down.

166. You think you're going to walk up to him in the woods...

167. and bribe this nigger with fruits and bananas?

168. "Hey, buddy, hey.

169. "There you go, buddy, yeah.

170. "There you go, your big bright red ass.

171. "This big bright red booty."

172. Do you know how strong a monkey is?

173. It would rip your dick off like a celery stalk.

174. Throw that shit in the tall grass, to never be seen again.

175. "Hey, dog, we're gonna go to the club, pick up some girls, you trying to roll?"

176. "No, man, I'm cool.

177. "I'm gonna stay home, chill with my monkey.

178. "You know how long it took me to train this monkey...

179. "to suck my dick...

180. "without peeling it?

181. "Last night, Chimp-chimp jerked me off with his feet.

182. "Nigger, only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness.

183. "So you all keep fucking these people if you want, niggers.

184. "No, it's monkey pussy for me.

185. "I'm hooking up with an orangutan next week.

186. "Cause all I fuck is chimps and orangutans."

187. You know who I feel real bad for is Indians.

188. Everybody feels bad for the Indians.

189. They get dogged openly, 'cause everybody thinks they're dead.

190. These motherfuckers are not all dead, all right?

191. I've seen, with my own eyes, I've seen a gathering...

192. of 1,500 Native Americans.

193. They were all gathered in one place. The place is called Wal-Mart in New Mexico.

194. They were everywhere. I've never seen Indians before.

195. I wasn't even sure if they were Indians.

196. It was fucked up, but I asked one of them.

197. It's not nice, but I seen them in the sports section...

198. looking at bows and arrows. I had to say something. "Excuse me...

199. "I don't mean to be rude...

200. "are you an Indian?"

201. And he was cool. "Yes.

202. "Yes, I am Indian."

203. I still didn't believe him.

204. I had to test him and be sure.

205. This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket.

206. So, I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor.

207. And a single tear came out his eye. I said, "Oh, shit."

208. I have so many questions.

209. I said, "What tribe are you from?"

210. "I am a Navajo."

211. I said, "Word?

212. "I studied you in Social Studies.

213. "You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?"

214. He said, "I guess so...

215. "if that's what you wish to call it."

216. I said, "Why, what do you call it?"

217. He said, "I am...

218. "an alcoholic."

219. I said, "Well, what's your name, dog?"

220. He said, "please. Dog is my cousin. That was a good guess.

221. "My name is...

222. "Running Coyote.

223. "What is your name, friend?"

224. And that shit caught me off guard. I didn't wanna say my name was Dave...

225. to a motherfucker named Running Coyote. It don't feel good enough.

226. He's putting me on the spot.

227. I said, "My name? What?

228. "Oh, my name's Black Feet."

229. I changed the subject. "Forget about me. What's going on with you?

230. "I wanna meet your chief.

231. "Why don't me, you, your Chief, and your friends get together tonight?

232. "We could have a real-life peace pipe-smoking ritual.

233. "We need to celebrate 'cause I thought you were dead."

234. And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like I dreamed.

235. We was all sitting around. The Indians was beating the drums.

236. Other Indians came out the back...

237. with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in front of us.

238. Opened that shit up...

239. and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers.

240. And bags of weed were all over the blanket.

241. The chief walked over.

242. "The big ones are 50. The little ones are 25 and these are 10."

243. Man, those Indians got high as shit.

244. I was baked. I told the chief. He was talking, I cut him off.

245. "Time out, Chief.

246. "Sorry to interrupt.

247. "I'm fucking smashed, man. The weed's too strong.

248. "You sure this isn't pCp? The spirits have got me.

249. "Chief, the spirits have got me."

250. And the Chief threw some water in my face. "Calm down, Blackface."

251. I said, "It's Black Feet, motherfucker. Take it easy."

252. "Black Feet...

253. "you are welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night...

254. "until the spirits leave you."

255. And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in...

256. which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little fucked up.

257. You know, 'cause they all had houses.

258. It's like, why can't I sleep with you all in the house and watch TV?

259. Like, I can't be on this grass all night.

260. The Indians is rude, man. Everybody's rude, the Indians.

261. They eating nasty food. All they ate was corn and shit.

262. Doritos, I think they called it.

263. That's right.

264. people only see the surface. They see the division in our foods.

265. Just 'cause I eat chicken and watermelon...

266. they think there's something wrong with me.

267. If you don't like chicken or watermelon...

268. something is wrong with you, motherfucker.

269. Where are all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon?

270. I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is. It's great.

271. I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial. I'll do it for free, chicken.

272. It's the least I can do.

273. They make fun of Latin people for eating... What you all eating?

274. Beans? Rice? Corn?

275. Listen, that's not a reason to hate a motherfucker, all right?

276. It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate.

277. The only reason these things are even an issue is because...

278. nobody knows what white people eat.

279. You've been very good at keeping that shit a secret amongst yourselves.

280. I study white people. You don't know that. I'm writing a paper on you.

281. Not even for school, nigger.

282. Just to do it, just to do this independent research.

283. I'm spending my money. That's why I'm working so hard.

284. I follow you around grocery stores. They freak out.

285. I try to peek in their cart.

286. They say, "Get away from my cart, nigger. What're you looking at?

287. "Chicken and giblets are over there.

288. "You must be lost. These are vegetables."

289. I know what you drink.

290. See how quiet it got.

291. Grape juice.

292. Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you?

293. Oh, don't play dumb with me.

294. A lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice...

295. because they have grape drink.

296. It's not the same formula that you get.

297. Ain't no vitamins in that shit.

298. You might have one of your black friends over.

299. "Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?"What?

300. "Nigger, what the fuck is juice?

301. "I want some grape drink, baby.

302. "It's purple.

303. "I don't think I know what a grape drink is." "What?"

304. "I have some apple juice, if you want." "What the fuck is juice?

305. "I want some apple drink.

306. "It's green."

307. Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight...

308. when all the kids run in from outside playing...

309. and they all run to the fridge?

310. "All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D."

311. As soon as they say "Sunny D," all the kids go, "Yeah!"

312. Watch the black kid in the back.

313. If you see that commercial, look at that black kid.

314. He'd be like, "I want that purple stuff."

315. That's drink, nigger, it's drink.

316. They want drink.

317. They don't want all them vitamins, man. They want drink.

318. Sugar, water, purple.

319. That's the ingredients: Sugar, water...

320. and of course, purple.

321. It's too fucking much.

322. I got a lot of things to talk about tonight.

323. First of all, I've stopped smoking weed...

324. with black people. You didn't let me finish, motherfuckers. God damn.

325. I'm sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly...

326. but I can't smoke with you anymore.

327. Every time I smoke weed with my black friends...

328. all you talk about...

329. is your trials and tribulations.

330. I'm sick of that shit. I got my own problems. That's a waste of weed.

331. I'm smoking weed to run from my problems, not take on yours.

332. From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people.

333. Calm down, motherfuckers, you win by default.

334. You got good weed conversation.

335. All white people talk about when they get high...

336. is other times that they got high.

337. I could listen to that shit all night.

338. "Dude, remember at Frank's last week, I was fucking smashed, man."

339. And catalogs everything they drink. "I had two shots of Jäger...

340. "tequila, four bong hits, man...

341. "beer, cheeseburger."

342. That shit is great. The only bad part is...

343. you cannot pass out around white people.

344. Every time white dudes pass out around each other...

345. they always do some borderline-gay shit when the guys are sleeping.

346. "Frank fell asleep so we, like, stuck a carrot in his ass...

347. "and put shaving cream on his balls."

348. Why, motherfucker? Why'd you do that to a friend of yours?

349. He trusted you to sleep around you. You put a carrot in his ass?

350. Is that nice?

351. I'll tell you, if I put a carrot in a black dude's ass...

352. he will kill you when he wakes up for some shit like that.

353. That is an automatic death sentence on the street.

354. It's a wrap for you. "I'm gonna kill that motherfucker."

355. "I thought you all was friends, baby. What happened?"

356. "I fell asleep at his house. We was drinking. I fell asleep at his house...

357. "and while I was sleeping, right...

358. "I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. That's all you need to know.

359. "And fuck carrots."

360. But everybody's getting along.

361. I see that shit. I see it all around.

362. Blacks and whites don't fight so much.

363. You know who don't have no beef with anybody is Asian people.

364. I see how you all be doing.

365. You all just lay in the cut.

366. The only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people.

367. Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese. I've done this.

368. They'll flip out. "Hey.

369. "What makes you think I'm Chinese?

370. "I am Korean.

371. "Do I look Chinese?"

372. Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese. That's why I said it.

373. It's an accident. To the untrained eye, you all look Chinese to me.

374. It's a mistake. I'm not trying to offend you.

375. Some say all black people look alike. We don't get bent out of shape.

376. We normally just call those people "police," okay?

377. Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you.

378. Just learn to live with it. That's all I can tell you.

379. Everybody's afraid of the police now.

380. I'm scared to death of these police.

381. I am. I got a police scanner.

382. First money I got, that's the first shit I went out and bought.

383. I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out.

384. Just to make sure everything's cool.

385. You hear shit on it. "Calling all cars.

386. "Be on the lookout for a black male between 4'7" and 6'8".

387. Staying in the crib tonight. Fuck that.

388. Gotta work on that alibi for a minute.

389. Every black person needs an alibi.

390. I do them impromptu joints.

391. If I'm by myself and need an alibi...

392. I open up the windows in the apartment, turn the lights on...

393. start beating off right in the window.

394. Hey, everybody. Look, it's me, Dave Chappelle. Crazy. I'm jerking off.

395. Note the time, motherfuckers. It's 2:35.

396. Look at me, I'm jerking off in the window, 2:35.

397. Comedian Dave Chappelle, June 10, note the time.

398. That shit could save my life.

399. "Officer, Chappelle couldn't have done that.

400. "I saw him in his window masturbating from 2:35 to 2:37.

401. "I'm certain of it.

402. "He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper."

403. Fuck, I need an alibi. I can't be no celebrity.

404. This shit is just the worst.

405. I'm seeing it. I see why stars are crazy, man, these motherfuckers.

406. I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me.

407. I don't get to see my kids so much.

408. I do Chappelle's Show 20 hours a day. Sleep for, like, half an hour.

409. Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes and I go back to work.

410. Now...

411. this particular day I got to hook up with the kids.

412. We went to Disney World. Everybody at the park...

413. fucking everybody.

414. "Hey. I'm Rick James, bitch."

415. It's like, "Hey, man, hey...

416. "you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids?

417. "Time out, motherfucker. We take a day off."

418. Even Mickey Mouse did it.

419. I said, this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life.

420. "Rick James, bitch."

421. I was fed up.

422. I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut.

423. Knocked his head clean off.

424. Everybody was screaming. "Oh, my God.

425. "Mickey Mouse is Mexican."

426. I had a terrible time in Disney World.

427. Disney World's like another country anyway.

428. They got their own currency. That shit is ridiculous.

429. Soon as I check into the hotel:

430. "Welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle.

431. "Can we interest you in some Disney dollars?"

432. "No, man, I'm cool.

433. "Can't buy weed and pussy with Disney dollars.

434. "I'm on vacation."

435. I like them greenbacks.

436. I like them greenbacks, you know what I'm saying?

437. The kind of money people spend. people are very particular about that.

438. One of the main stories from the war was...

439. The first big thing we did was they said, "Now that Iraq has been liberated...

440. "we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money."

441. And I'm not gonna lie. When that press conference came on, I was choked up.

442. I was actually proud to be an American...

443. because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression...

444. to have a dictator on your money.

445. And it's thoughtful to be able to take that motherfucker off...

446. for the goodwill of another person, right?

447. But then I thought, if you could do that for Iraq, what about our money?

448. Our money looks like baseball cards with slave owners on them.

449. George Washington's the worst of the worst.

450. Yes, I said it.

451. We mythologize this motherfucker like he was the greatest dude, man.

452. If I went back in time with a white person...

453. and we saw George Washington walking in front of our time machine...

454. my white friend would probably say, "Dave, look, there's George Washington.

455. "The father of this great nation. I'm gonna go shake his hand."

456. I'd be on the other side like, "Run, nigger! George Washington!"

457. And we'd both be right.

458. You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence and that shit.

459. "We hold these truths to be self-evident.

460. "All men are created equal."

461. "Go get me a sandwich, nigger, or I'll kill you."

462. "Liberty, justice for all."

463. Am I wrong? Wait a minute, did he not own slaves?

464. That's all I'm saying.

465. I almost protested the war in the beginning. Almost.

466. Till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks. I said, "Fuck that."

467. If they'll do that to three white women, they will tear my black ass to pieces.

468. I don't wanna hear that shit.

469. Yeah, man, they would.

470. But I'm, like, for real, why do you care so much what the Dixie Chicks are saying?

471. It's not like they're political scientists. They just can sing good...

472. you know what I mean?

473. Stop worshipping celebrities so much. Just don't pay attention.

474. I remember right around September 11, Ja Rule was on MTV.

475. That's what they said. "We got Ja Rule on the phone.

476. "Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy."

477. Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this?

478. This is ridiculous. I don't wanna dance. I'm scared to death.

479. I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now.

480. You think when bad shit happens to me, I'll be in the crib like:

481. "God, this is terrible. Could somebody please...

482. "find Ja Rule? Get hold of this motherfucker so I can make sense of all this.

483. "Where is Ja?

484. "I need Ja Rule."

485. I don't even know why people listen to me.

486. I'll say anything. I've done commercials for Coke and pepsi.

487. I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I say what it takes.

488. Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying.

489. If you wanna know the truth, can't even taste the difference.

490. Surprise!

491. All I know is, pepsi paid me most recently...

492. so it tastes better.

493. That's pretty much how the game goes.

494. I'm just being real, man.

495. There's too much goo-gaa over celebrities.

496. people don't know what's fake and what's real anymore.

497. That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble.

498. Look what happened to Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby said some real shit...

499. and the whole world freaked out on him.

500. For what? For having an opinion?

501. Because he was selling pudding pops for the last 40 years...

502. people forget that he's a nigger from philly and the projects.

503. And he might say some real shit from time to time.

504. It's not that big of a deal.

505. I spoke at my old high school and I told them kids straight up.

506. If you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto...

507. you gotta focus...

508. you gotta stop blaming white people for your problems...

509. and you've gotta learn how to rap...

510. or play basketball or something, nigger. You're trapped! You are trapped.

511. Either do that or sell crack. That's your only options.

512. That's the only way I've ever seen it work.

513. You gotta entertain these white people. Gotta get to dancing.

514. Go on out there and be somebody.

515. I just hope they listen.

516. This shit is ridiculous. People worship television. They worship this shit.

517. You know, like, if you watch a movie.

518. Say you're watching a movie. One character says to another character:

519. "What's your number, man?" What does the other character always say?

520. "555-5555."

521. You know why they gotta do that?

522. Because stupid-ass people go to the movies...

523. then go home and try to call the characters that they just saw.

524. "Hello, is Indiana Jones there?"

525. No, motherfucker, he's fake. It's not his number.

526. To be honest, this is the worst time in history to be a black celebrity.

527. Fuck. They're locking all our stars up.

528. It's hot right now for black celebrities.

529. I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble. I said, this is a wrap for us.

530. He's one of the most wholesome dudes we had.

531. And they lock him up and everything.

532. And Kobe kept it together. Thank God he held his game together...

533. because if he was cracking under pressure and getting like, six points a game...

534. the whole of L.A. would be like, "That nigger is guilty."

535. Kobe was playing his ass off.

536. He was playing like his freedom depended on that shit.

537. You see this motherfucker in them games...

538. this nigger's trying to beat that case on the court.

539. Like the judge threw him the ball. "play for your freedom."

540. If I could talk to Kobe, I'd say, "Just relax, you'll be fine, man."

541. 'Cause the public is still giving Kobe the benefit of the doubt.

542. He's one of the few black celebrities getting that.

543. Not cause he's a celebrity, more because...

544. the girl showed up with eight different semens to the investigation.

545. You can't do that.

546. That's seven too many.

547. That's a lot of semen. This bitch's got Noah's Ark in her panties.

548. What's she trying recreate humanity or something?

549. She's a collector.

550. Every unsolved mystery, the answer might be in this girl's panties.

551. That's the first place I'd look.

552. OJ's other glove is in there.

553. Bigfoot's footprint.

554. Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker.

555. She's got the most diabolical drawers ever.

556. Fuck being a celebrity. This is not the time to be a black star.

557. They're locking all our stars up.

558. Black celebrities. It's a witch hunt for us, man. God damn it.

559. It's all OJ's fault.

560. Ever since OJ got away, white people just been locking up our stars, one by one.

561. It's true.

562. And it's all... It's not even OJ's fault. It's our fault.

563. We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted.

564. We should've been quiet about that shit.

565. Soon as there's, "Not guilty," niggers are dancing.

566. Oh, in your face, in your face.

567. Hurts, don't it? It hurts.

568. Burns, doesn't it, man? Oh, that justice system burns, doesn't it?

569. Welcome to my world, motherfucker, and all that shit.

570. White people wanted OJ's ass bad.

571. The city of L.A. spent over $12 million just trying that motherfucker.

572. And the look on white people's faces when he was acquitted...

573. priceless.

574. And that's why I don't trip off being a celebrity. I don't like it.

575. I don't trust it.

576. One minute they all love you, the next thing you know...

577. you're in front of a courthouse dancing on top of a car...

578. trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you.

579. That's what I'm waiting for...

580. 'cause the timing of this Michael Jackson shit is what makes me doubt it.

581. Every time there's wars going out of control, or the economy is bad...

582. or something is wrong with the world at large...

583. it's always these moments in history...

584. that Michael Jackson will coincidentally...

585. jerk off a kid. This is getting ridiculous.

586. Are you planning this shit? You have meetings?

587. "Michael, thank you for coming.

588. "As you know, the war has not been going as well as we expected.

589. "There's been a lot of hiccups, and the public is asking us...

590. "a lot of questions, of course...

591. "and well, Michael, there's no nice way to say this...

592. "and all I know how to do is be direct, so let me just be direct.

593. "We're gonna need you to jerk off another child, Mike. I'm sorry.

594. "I am sorry.

595. "But, it would really help out."

596. Or maybe he didn't, who knows?

597. That's the thing, that's what I wanted to say, who knows? Who the fuck knows?

598. Mike, God, and this little boy knows. That's about it.

599. The only reason that I can even talk about this shit...

600. is because everybody is speculating.

601. They all think he did it. I don't think he did it.

602. I'm alone in this. I don't think he did it.

603. I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it. That's too strong.

604. Let me just say I am reserving judgment...

605. until all the facts come out.

606. So far from what I heard... I mean, the kid said he's dying of cancer...

607. he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation.

608. He claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish...

609. to meet Michael Jackson.

610. Come on, man, give me a fucking break.

611. This kid is 10 years old. He don't remember Thriller.

612. What the fuck he want to meet Michael Jackson for? Honestly.

613. I remember Thriller and I just, like, kind of want to meet this nigger.

614. I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him.

615. I'll put it that way. I'd have to already be free.

616. That's ridiculous. If I'm dying in two weeks and go:

617. "Mama, get me in a room with Chubby Checker"...

618. I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker...

619. not in my last two weeks. Why not Usher or somebody like this?

620. So then the kid claims...

621. he goes to Michael's house. This is where it all gets crazy.

622. He does everything that you'd expect at Michael's house.

623. They climbed trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels.

624. The chef made cookies, pies, and cakes.

625. They was petting a monkey and giraffes, singing songs. Kid shit.

626. And in the middle of all this childlike activity...

627. for some reason...

628. Mike put out some wine and some pills...

629. and sucked this kid's dick.

630. Folks, it hurts me to say it.

631. And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse.

632. Motherfucker, that is a good host.

633. God damn. What else do you want?

634. I'm lucky to get a glass of grape drink at my friend's house...

635. let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked.

636. Mike must be confused like, "I brought you in my house, I fed you...

637. "I sucked your dick, and this is how you repay me, motherfucker?

638. "This was your wish, not mine.

639. "Thought you were dying in two weeks. What happened to that?

640. "I've been in court for a year-and-a-half. You get stronger every time I see you."

641. Wouldn't it... This is fucked, though. I shouldn't even say this.

642. Wouldn't it be some ironic shit...

643. if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer...

644. was Michael Jackson sucking your dick, somehow?

645. Like if Mike had powers like Green Mile...

646. and all the kids are like, "please, Mike, suck on this."

647. "Never again.

648. "They didn't appreciate it."

649. "Can we at least study your saliva?"

650. "please, Mike."

651. It doesn't stop, though. It just doesn't stop.

652. And the only reason I can talk about Mike is 'cause he's a freak.

653. He is a freak. That's why people let you talk about him.

654. If I brought up Catholic priests fucking kids, it'd get quiet as shit.

655. But when Michael Jackson does it, it's okay, because he's a freak.

656. His face is all cut up.

657. And just remember, when you look at that thing that he calls his face...

658. that he did that for you somehow.

659. Somehow he thought maybe it'll help.

660. "Maybe people will like me more if I turn myself into a white...

661. "ghoulish-like creature." I don't know what it is...

662. but he did it for you.

663. And I appreciate the gesture, Michael Jackson.

664. If you're watching this, I appreciate that gesture...

665. and I want you to know, fuck everybody.

666. Dave Chappelle understands. 'Cause you wanna know something?

667. I'm getting some work done. Surprise. Yes.

668. Nothing major. You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you...

669. but it's some shit I'm insecure about that I wanna work on.

670. If you must know...

671. I'm getting Botox done on my balls to get these wrinkles out.

672. Finally, to have these just as smooth as eggs.

673. Oh, I can't wait.

674. I cannot wait.

675. And I'm not stopping there. That's just phase one, baby.

676. I'd be like Bob Vila, these old balls, I'm fixing them up.

677. I'm plucking all the hair out.

678. I gotta make room, I know this.

679. I'm gonna tattoo a gangster-ass face on...

680. with mean expressions, like this.

681. Then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom, so they got beards like me.

682. Then I'm hitting that beach and looking for ball-suckers.

683. I'm gonna wear some high shorts, like this.

684. And walk up to women with a confidence I've never had before.

685. "pardon me, miss...

686. "I don't mean to be rude...

687. "but do you suck balls?"

688. "Excuse me?"

689. "Miss, relax, you didn't even let me finish.

690. "Do you suck these balls?"

691. "Oh, my God, those balls are as smooth as eggs.

692. "Yes, I'll suck them."

693. I've played this scenario out in my mind a million times, ladies.

694. That's how it always ends, "Yes, I'll suck those balls."

695. All our stars. R. Kelly pissed on his victim.

696. I know it was rough...

697. but I mean, again, I can't even judge R. Kelly.

698. We don't know if these allegations are true or not.

699. Even if they are true, if you wanna know how I feel about it, honestly...

700. if a man cannot pee on his fans...

701. I don't wanna be in show business anymore. Because that's why I got in the game, baby.

702. I got dreams, too.

703. You guys are confusing the issue.

704. While you guys are busy worrying about if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not...

705. you're not asking yourself the real question...

706. that America needs to decide once and for all.

707. And that question is:

708. "How old is 15, really?"

709. No, that's a good question.

710. I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're gonna be at 15.

711. That's not what I'm saying, man.

712. But I am saying, 15 to me...

713. is old enough to decide...

714. whether or not you want to be pissed on. That's me.

715. If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15...

716. then just give up, motherfucker, because life is way harder than that.

717. I make tougher decisions all the time.

718. You don't wanna get pissed on, get out of the way.

719. It's not even a decision.

720. If I start peeing on the front row they won't have to calculate and think:

721. "How do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?" They just move!

722. You can do that at 15. I could have.

723. I've been 15. When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs.

724. I smoked reefer from time to time.

725. My friends were selling crack. I was trying to finger-fuck people.

726. I knew what was happening around me to some degree.

727. Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me.

728. But it keeps coming up. There's a lot of confusion around that age.

729. Any time 15 comes up, people freak out...

730. like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped.

731. Right?

732. In Utah last year, a 15-year-old girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped...

733. then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved.

734. And I was the only one saying, "Damn, she wasn't that smart after all."

735. Not 'cause she got kidnapped. That could happen to anybody.

736. I'm not knocking her for that.

737. I'm just saying, if you kidnapped me when I was 15...

738. you gotta take me further than 8 miles away from my house, man. God damn.

739. You can't hold me prisoner around shit I recognize. I'll break away.

740. Fuck off, that's my bus stop. I know where I'm at. I'm going home.

741. She was missing for six months 8 miles away from her house.

742. That's two exits, man. That's nothing.

743. While she was missing... During this half a year that this girl was missing...

744. there's a 7-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in philadelphia.

745. Nobody knows her name. They might've talked about it a few times on the news...

746. but she should've been the top story.

747. She chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail...

748. in 45 minutes flat. Seven years old.

749. I'm not making this up.

750. These two crackheads kidnapped her, took her to the crackhouse and tied her up.

751. And then they left her.

752. They gotta make moves, crack to smoke, chocolate to eat.

753. They made moves. They was out.

754. Soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling.

755. She's kidnapped at 4:00 and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30.

756. That shit is crazy. That's a news story.

757. Now...

758. meanwhile in Utah...

759. 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone, too.

760. And they didn't even tie her up 'cause they're hillbillies.

761. They just bounced.

762. "Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you. Be right back."

763. They leave. And she's 15 sitting in the house by herself.

764. "How am I gonna get out of this?

765. "Come on, Elizabeth, think.

766. "Think, Elizabeth, how am I gonna get out of here?"

767. Just open the fucking door and go outside.

768. Have you thought about that?

769. You have a quarter? You know your phone number?

770. You're 15, bitch! Run! Stop thinking and start making moves!

771. I know I sound mean. people are thinking when I'm saying this:

772. "Dave, she's only 15."

773. All right, but that's the discrepancy...

774. 'cause when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart...

775. then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent.

776. On the flip side, here comes 15 again.

777. Now we're talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida.

778. This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor...

779. when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV.

780. Now, was he a kid? No.

781. They gave him life. They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.

782. "This nigger knew what he was doing.

783. "He's a goddamn pile driver.

784. "This kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him.

785. "We'd have to send The Rock to arrest him."

786. And they gave a 15-year-old boy...

787. life in jail.

788. If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail...

789. it should be legal to pee on him.

790. That's all I'm saying. You gotta make up your mind across the board...

791. how old 15 actually is. That's all I'm saying.

792. I'm gonna tell you right now...

793. if somebody comes in here, puts a gun to my head and says:

794. "Chappelle, you got a choice to make.

795. "You're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go...

796. "but you gotta let R. Kelly pee on you."

797. I'm not hesitating.

798. "Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes."

799. I'd rather get pissed on on the outside than fucked in the butt on the inside.

800. I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls...

801. and think everything's gonna be all right. It's not that kind of place.

802. Take my chances with that piss. Piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower.

803. I'm certain of it. "This piss is coming right out.

804. "What could I do? They were gonna put me in jail."

805. Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors.

806. Society is changing rapidly. You can't smoke indoors.

807. What the fuck is that all about?

808. I got kicked out of a titty bar for smoking.

809. No, that shit was ridiculous.

810. The stripper did it. The stripper came up like:

811. "Your smoking is a health risk for me. I don't wanna work in this environment."

812. Bitch, you had your gonorrhea-infested pussy in my face. You started it.

813. And they threw me out.

814. It's the dirtiest place I've ever been thrown out of.

815. And just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty...

816. Lap dances at this place: $3.

817. It's fucking disgusting.

818. And at the same time, who could pass up a sale, son?

819. It was $3! Of course I did it.

820. It's only 12 quarters.

821. Said, "I'll break a five for that."

822. I've never seen somebody work this hard for $3.

823. This lady must've been a throwback to the Great Depression.

824. She was all over me.

825. It's the first time I ever told a stripper to get off me.

826. "All right. Yeah, thank you very much, miss. Thank you.

827. "That'll be all.

828. "That's enough, thanks. Hey, get off of me!

829. "Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar, lady?

830. "I have a shit streak on the middle of my shirt.

831. "How the fuck am I gonna explain this when I get home?"

832. "Oh, no, baby, me and Bob were playing basketball...

833. "and Bob dunked on me. He was hanging on the rim...

834. "and his pants fell down.

835. "I was checking up close and he was swinging...

836. "and his butt cheeks might've... His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt.

837. "Why I was playing ball in my dress shirt?

838. "I don't know. It was midnight. What the fuck?

839. "Just let me think."

840. That's a guy lying, when he says shit like that.

841. "Hold on, just let me think."

842. Your man ever said that to you? "Hold on, just let me think. Can I think?"

843. You guys have made too much progress too fast.

844. Not too much, but you're just confused. You made so much progress...

845. you even confused.

846. Men and women, both like, "What just happened?"

847. Women got all this money now but they're still like women.

848. "Oh, you never take me anywhere anymore."

849. You'd be thinking, "Bitch, you got more money than me...

850. "you never take me anywhere anymore."

851. At the same time, you don't treat a man like a man.

852. You don't cook, you don't clean, and you don't do anything a motherfucker says.

853. You tell him what to do. Women do this to men all the time.

854. "Come on!"

855. No man wants that shit.

856. I don't want anybody to tell me what to do that much.

857. You gotta work with me. Like if it makes a man feel like a man...

858. to watch the game, let him sit down and watch the game for a minute.

859. If he happens to look over at you while watching the game...

860. don't look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it.

861. pick up your own titty and suck it. Just try it out.

862. He will instantly remember why he fell in love. "Oh, that's right...

863. "I forgot my girl sucks her own titties from time to time.

864. "I can't walk away from that.

865. "It's too hard to find."

866. See? That took 20 seconds. You can be just as busy as you want...

867. suck your own titty and everything's cool. Or how about this?

868. If you're making love to your man, might as well spice it up, right?

869. How about this? I personally like it.

870. I like it when a girl tells me where to come.

871. Don't like it when she tells me when to come. I hate it.

872. "Don't come yet." Oh, bitch, all these rules!

873. Instead of doing that, why don't you just tell us where?

874. It would make us feel better. Especially if you're aggressive about it.

875. I like it when a girl gets wild with me. "Come in my face!"

876. Stick your chin out like a boxer.

877. "Bring it on, motherfucker.

878. "You're a bum."

879. But it doesn't have to be that wild or explicit.

880. All a man wants to know is you're interested and will participate.

881. You can say anything, he'll be happy.

882. "Come on top of the television." All right, fine.

883. The weirder the place, the better.

884. "Come in my fishbowl." Damn, fishbowl.

885. "Oh, shit, they're eating it all."

886. Fish love it when I come over.

887. "It's that guy. We're having chicken tonight."

888. You guys, man, thanks. This has been the best year of my career.

889. By far.

890. I appreciate you guys watching me.

891. 'Cause I do it for my kids, really.

892. And my kids are off the hook.

893. You think I'm a bad motherfucker, wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle.

894. This nigger is off the hook.

895. My sons are bad.

896. My oldest son is three.

897. This kid made me a necklace out of macaroni.

898. I said, "This shit is baller."

899. He painted the macaroni green and put it on a string.

900. He tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me and I got choked up.

901. And he thought I was sad. That's how smart he was.

902. He says, "Are you sad, Daddy?"

903. And I said, "No, I'm not sad.

904. "You're too young to understand this, son, but this is fucking crazy.

905. "You used to live in my balls, man.

906. "Now you're making jewelry out of macaroni. You're a bad motherfucker."

907. Long live Chappelles.

908. Oh, shit.

909. Thanks, guys. Thank you.

910. That's what it's all about.

911. Everybody usually wants to be famous...

912. so they can rock nice jewelry and all that shit.

913. I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.

914. I'm not in it for that.

915. The only kind of shit I wanna do with fame that's decadent...

916. is I wanna go to Vegas to the $5,000 blackjack table.

917. And I don't even wanna play.

918. I wanna be such a big star that I can go up to one of the players in a tight hand...

919. and put my dick on his shoulder.

920. And I'm such a celebrity, they think it's funny.

921. "Hey, what the fuck?

922. "Oh, shit, Dave Chappelle!

923. "Wow."

924. He gets on his cell phone:

925. "You are not gonna believe whose dick is on my shoulder right now.

926. "And this guy's balls are as smooth as eggs.

927. "He's had some work done."

928. Couldn't thank you enough. God bless you all, man.

929. Keep watching. I'm gonna try to make it interesting. Stay safe.