1. Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!Copy !req
2. What would you do if you were
in a situation like this? Gosh!Copy !req
3. Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!Copy !req
4. DON'T VOTE FOR PEDROCopy !req
5. JULIA JONES'S
DiaryCopy !req
6. Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again.Copy !req
7. weight 389 lbs. Cigarettes 1,42 per day
Alcohol units - Tara Reid statusCopy !req
8. I fear I'll never get married.Copy !req
9. LCopy !req
10. Maybe I am destined
to be a sad old spinster...Copy !req
11. whose only companionship comes from
an absurd amount of cats.Copy !req
12. No, that won't be me!Copy !req
13. I believe in true love.Copy !req
14. My knight in shining armor
is out there somewhere...Copy !req
15. and I'm gonna find him.Copy !req
16. Oh, shit.Copy !req
17. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
18. Look here, Julia.Copy !req
19. When you gonna find a man
and get married?Copy !req
20. You looking old, fat, and saggy.Copy !req
21. And the mole on your forearm,
it's growing a mole.Copy !req
22. Let's put some hummus on it.Copy !req
23. Cures everything.Copy !req
24. Baby, you gotta find a man.Copy !req
25. In our race to protect our
Greek heritage—Copy !req
26. Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.Copy !req
27. Let us not forget,
you're also one half Indian.Copy !req
28. - Your mother's right.
- Big sister, we also Japanese.Copy !req
29. And Jewish.Copy !req
30. So you're telling me I have to marry a guy
who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew?Copy !req
31. Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find.
I mean, look around. They everywhere.Copy !req
32. Nicky. Nicky!Copy !req
33. You're Greek, right?Copy !req
34. Yeah. And Indian and Japanese
and a Jew.Copy !req
35. You wanna go out with my daughter?Copy !req
36. No, I don't like redheads. Sorry.Copy !req
37. Dad, I know I'm no beauty,
but I'm not gonna settle.Copy !req
38. I respect our heritage,
but I believe love is blind.Copy !req
39. Somewhere out there is my true love.Copy !req
40. No! Back to work.Copy !req
41. Coffee?Copy !req
42. - More coffee?
- Excellent.Copy !req
43. Jolly good. I quite fancy some...Copy !req
44. more coffee, actually.Copy !req
45. Pick up.Copy !req
46. Pick up! Pick up!Copy !req
47. - Okay.
- Pick up!Copy !req
48. I'm coming.Copy !req
49. hitch Feeling all alone?
hitch'll find you someone to boneCopy !req
50. M.D., Ph.D., DDS... OBGYNCopy !req
51. Oh, hell, no!Copy !req
52. - You're Hitch?
- You got a problem with that?Copy !req
53. Please, I'm desperate.Copy !req
54. Even I can't help you,
and I found Star Jones a husband.Copy !req
55. Shit. Come on in.Copy !req
56. Thanks for seeing me.
I heard you're the best.Copy !req
57. You're goddamn right I'm the best!Copy !req
58. Look at all the couples
I'm responsible for.Copy !req
59. You got Brad and Jen.Copy !req
60. Jessica and Nick.Copy !req
61. Ben and Gwyn.Copy !req
62. Ben and Jen.Copy !req
63. Ben and Jen.Copy !req
64. Ben and Matt.Copy !req
65. Whitney and Bobby.Copy !req
66. Kobe and Shaq.Copy !req
67. Ellen and Anne.Copy !req
68. Yeah, I do them too.Copy !req
69. Well, there's this guy at the diner
where I work.Copy !req
70. We had this moment.Copy !req
71. What happened?Copy !req
72. I turned around and he was gone.Copy !req
73. He probably got a good look
at your mug and ran.Copy !req
74. Why don't we broaden the search
from that one guy to just any nigga?Copy !req
75. - Okay.
- Eight out of ten guys believe...Copy !req
76. the first kiss will tell them everything
they need to know about a relationship.Copy !req
77. So before we get started,
let's see what you got.Copy !req
78. Stinky. You got the dragon.Copy !req
79. You got a little something in there.Copy !req
80. A whole wing?Copy !req
81. Extra crispy? Goddamn!Copy !req
82. Good gracious!Copy !req
83. Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry?Copy !req
84. I'm hopeless.Copy !req
85. I'm never gonna meet
my Prince Charming.Copy !req
86. I got it.Copy !req
87. - A reality dating show?
- Says here you can meet your dream man.Copy !req
88. Extreme BACHELORCopy !req
89. It also says you have to be beautiful.Copy !req
90. Well, you're beautiful-ish.Copy !req
91. Come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show...Copy !req
92. is if you magically turn me
into a princess.Copy !req
93. Let's roll.Copy !req
94. Yo, fellas.Copy !req
95. West Side Custom
WSCCopy !req
96. Time to pimp her out.Copy !req
97. Hey, hey.Copy !req
98. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
99. Worst Foods
MayonnaiseCopy !req
100. Whoa, you officially pimped out.Copy !req
101. All right, girl. Now you're good to go.Copy !req
102. Ladies, good evening.Copy !req
103. And welcome to
The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition.Copy !req
104. By the end of tonight's episode...Copy !req
105. one of you lucky ladies will be chosen
by the bachelor...Copy !req
106. to go on a dream date.Copy !req
107. So let's meet him.Copy !req
108. He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.Copy !req
109. Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor?Copy !req
110. - Hi. Lovely to meet you.
- Hi.Copy !req
111. Hello, I'm Grant.Copy !req
112. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
113. - I'm Grant.
- Hi, Grant.Copy !req
114. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
115. I'm Julia.Copy !req
116. Pleasure.Copy !req
117. Now, Grant, the elimination round.Copy !req
118. Essentially nixing the girls
you don't want to bang.Copy !req
119. Who's going to be eliminated?Copy !req
120. Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.Copy !req
121. Julia, will you accept this rose?Copy !req
122. Yes.Copy !req
123. Guys, congratulations.Copy !req
124. You have won a dinner for two
at A Restaurant.Copy !req
125. A Restaurant!Copy !req
126. Thanks!Copy !req
127. A RestaurantCopy !req
128. Oh, yeah, that's it.Copy !req
129. Oh, God.Copy !req
130. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
131. Yeah.Copy !req
132. Yeah.Copy !req
133. Yes!Copy !req
134. Yes!Copy !req
135. Yes!Copy !req
136. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
137. Oh, yes!Copy !req
138. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
139. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
140. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
141. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
142. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
143. Yes!Copy !req
144. Oh, God.Copy !req
145. Gosh.Copy !req
146. So you're saying
you do want the pork chops?Copy !req
147. - Yes, please.
- Okay.Copy !req
148. I'll have what he's having.Copy !req
149. So tell me about you.Copy !req
150. Oh, I'm just a waitress.Copy !req
151. But I want to go to school
to be a pastry chef.Copy !req
152. Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.Copy !req
153. And for my admissions essay,
I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...Copy !req
154. why I would make
an amazing pastry chef.Copy !req
155. What a coincidence.Copy !req
156. I love pie.Copy !req
157. - I've gotta take you downtown for the best—
- Hummus pie?Copy !req
158. You've been there?Copy !req
159. That's actually my recipe.Copy !req
160. But tell me more about you.Copy !req
161. Like, what's your favorite love song?Copy !req
162. It's kind of corny.Copy !req
163. Oh, come on.Copy !req
164. You're that waitress.Copy !req
165. You've changed.Copy !req
166. Well, I was sort of going
through a phase.Copy !req
167. I was downright ugly.Copy !req
168. I don't remember you ever being ugly.Copy !req
169. But I remember you.Copy !req
170. I can't explain it, but when I'm with you
I just feel so alive.Copy !req
171. - Me too.
- I just wanna scream and shout and...Copy !req
172. Bum fight?Copy !req
173. Julia?Copy !req
174. Come on.Copy !req
175. Yes!Copy !req
176. Yes!Copy !req
177. Yes!Copy !req
178. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
179. That was amazing.Copy !req
180. It sure was.Copy !req
181. She faked it, Grant.Copy !req
182. But I didn't.Copy !req
183. Meow.Copy !req
184. Meow.Copy !req
185. Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
186. Bleach
Leaves Rectum SparklingCopy !req
187. OLDMAN'S OWNCopy !req
188. No, no, no!Copy !req
189. No! No!Copy !req
190. - Tingly.
- Grant...Copy !req
191. how would you feel
about meeting my parents?Copy !req
192. So, Grant...Copy !req
193. - ... ever knock anyone up?
- Mom.Copy !req
194. Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I
know if he's shooting blanks or not?Copy !req
195. Bathroom's down the hall.Copy !req
196. VICKY'S SECRETCopy !req
197. Just leave the sample on the counter.Copy !req
198. Sorry.Copy !req
199. That's Jinxers.Copy !req
200. Taught him how to do that.Copy !req
201. Julia told me your last name.
How do you pronounce it?Copy !req
202. Just how it's spelled.Copy !req
203. F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.Copy !req
204. Fockyerdoder?Copy !req
205. - Allergic to cats?
- No, no, I love cats.Copy !req
206. In fact, growing up on a farm,
I once milked a cat.Copy !req
207. I got nipples, Grant.Copy !req
208. Can you milk me?Copy !req
209. May I say that's an exquisite vase?Copy !req
210. An ancient artifact, I presume.Copy !req
211. That's actually an urn
containing the remains of Frank's mother.Copy !req
212. Well, I'm sure your mother
would want to celebrate...Copy !req
213. that Julia finally applied
to pastry school.Copy !req
214. - What? School?
- Don't you want me to better myself?Copy !req
215. No! I want you to work at the diner
until you die.Copy !req
216. Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant?Copy !req
217. No.Copy !req
218. No, no, no!Copy !req
219. Mama!Copy !req
220. - Mama!
- Grandma.Copy !req
221. Jinxers. Jinxers, no.Copy !req
222. Grandma Jones. Oh, God.Copy !req
223. No. Jinxers, stop it.Copy !req
224. - Hey!
- Jinxers.Copy !req
225. - Jinxers, no.
- Oh, no, no.Copy !req
226. - No.
- Jinxers, no.Copy !req
227. - Jinxers, no.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
228. No!Copy !req
229. - Get off my mama!
- Bad!Copy !req
230. Stop humping!Copy !req
231. - Bad kitty.
- Please.Copy !req
232. - Jinxers! No.
- I didn't teach him how to do that.Copy !req
233. - Jinxers! Bad cat!
- God!Copy !req
234. Jinxers, no!Copy !req
235. Mama!Copy !req
236. That was a disaster.Copy !req
237. It wasn't that bad.Copy !req
238. You desecrated
my grandmother's remains...Copy !req
239. and my father hates you.Copy !req
240. Why didn't you tell your parents
about pastry school?Copy !req
241. I'm working my way up to it.
I'm just waiting for the right time.Copy !req
242. Julia, you're a grown woman.Copy !req
243. If you haven't noticed,
my family is totally controlling.Copy !req
244. They meddle in every aspect of my life.Copy !req
245. Not to mention, no one in our family
has ever dated outside of our culture.Copy !req
246. He reminds me of Webster.Copy !req
247. I just don't see
how this could work between us.Copy !req
248. Look, so your family's difficult.Copy !req
249. Whose isn't?Copy !req
250. Until I met you, my life was boring.Copy !req
251. But you, you're smart...Copy !req
252. and interesting...Copy !req
253. and beautiful.Copy !req
254. I just want to be with you.Copy !req
255. Did you say I was beautiful?Copy !req
256. Come with me.Copy !req
257. It's just a little Jesus juice.Copy !req
258. Where are you taking me?Copy !req
259. - What are we...?
- You'll see.Copy !req
260. Oh, my God.Copy !req
261. Oh, my God.Copy !req
262. Oh, my God.Copy !req
263. Oh, my God.Copy !req
264. Julia Jones...Copy !req
265. will you marry me?Copy !req
266. Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,
I will marry you.Copy !req
267. How much will you give me for this?Copy !req
268. No. No!Copy !req
269. - Fifty bucks.
- Shit, that's it?Copy !req
270. But it will destroy all evil.Copy !req
271. Oh, screw off, wizard!Copy !req
272. My precious.Copy !req
273. Before you set the wedding date...Copy !req
274. I wanted to meet your parents.Copy !req
275. Because, frankly,
I don't know much about you.Copy !req
276. I understand, homeboy.Copy !req
277. I'll be watching you.Copy !req
278. If you do anything
to corrupt my daughter...Copy !req
279. You'll bring me down to Chinatown?Copy !req
280. Chinatown?Copy !req
281. I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street.Copy !req
282. Bust you in the head with a pipe.Copy !req
283. Hi, Little Jack.Copy !req
284. How come you have Betty's baby?Copy !req
285. She's at a swingers' convention
this weekend...Copy !req
286. - ... so we said we'd take care of him.
- Oh, how nice.Copy !req
287. Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack sign language.Copy !req
288. Oh, I heard about this.
Real cutting-edge stuff.Copy !req
289. "What happens when the ho
doesn't give up all the cash?"Copy !req
290. That's right, Little Jack.
"Keep your pimp hand strong."Copy !req
291. Beeyotch.Copy !req
292. His first word!Copy !req
293. - Little Jack, what did you say?
- Beeyotch.Copy !req
294. Is that your dad?Copy !req
295. Figures.Copy !req
296. Grant!Copy !req
297. My boy!Copy !req
298. It's good to see you.Copy !req
299. This is my fiancée, Julia.
And her parents, Linda and Frank.Copy !req
300. Bernie Fockyerdoder.
Pleased to meet all of you.Copy !req
301. Frank, give me some sugar.Copy !req
302. Put her there!Copy !req
303. All right, all right.Copy !req
304. - And this must be your little girl.
- No, that's my wife.Copy !req
305. Wife? So young, so pretty.Copy !req
306. And you must be Julia.
What a beautiful moment this is.Copy !req
307. So beautiful. Just beautiful.Copy !req
308. Dad. Dad.Copy !req
309. What? We're all family now.Copy !req
310. I'll just go get the luggage.Copy !req
311. So, what was that
you were doing back there?Copy !req
312. - I was just practicing Capuerta.
- Capa-what?Copy !req
313. Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.Copy !req
314. - Beeyotch.
- I've been doing it for weeks.Copy !req
315. It keeps me level.Copy !req
316. Come on, let's go meet Roz.Copy !req
317. Roz!Copy !req
318. You're going to love her.
Everybody, this is Roz.Copy !req
319. IDIOT'S
Tantric SexCopy !req
320. I've been kvelling to meet
this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day.Copy !req
321. So, Grant tells me you're a doctor.Copy !req
322. I'm a sex therapist.Copy !req
323. I specialize in teenage impotency.Copy !req
324. Who's thirsty?Copy !req
325. - Mum, no.
- Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed...Copy !req
326. because he lost his virginity
to the housekeeper.Copy !req
327. Hey, Eduardo.Copy !req
328. Hi, Grant.Copy !req
329. Thanks, Eduardo.Copy !req
330. So is it Harry?Copy !req
331. - Is what hairy?
- Your name.Copy !req
332. - No, no. It's Bernie.
- Oh, no, but it is hairy.Copy !req
333. - What are you talking about?
- Picture this with 4 pounds of hair.Copy !req
334. Oh, stop.Copy !req
335. So when's the big date?Copy !req
336. Well, we wanted a long engagement...Copy !req
337. so we're getting married this Sunday.Copy !req
338. Oh, hell, no.
I'm not paying for that wedding.Copy !req
339. Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah.
We'll pay for it.Copy !req
340. Of course.Copy !req
341. I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning.Copy !req
342. Let's have a toast.Copy !req
343. To great, big matzo balls.Copy !req
344. I couldn't be happier.Copy !req
345. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
346. Because Nicky has agreed
to marry you.Copy !req
347. - Nicky.
- Yeah. Good job.Copy !req
348. Looking good. Nice.Copy !req
349. Dad, my whole life I've had this dream...Copy !req
350. that a prince would someday
come and rescue me.Copy !req
351. Grant is that guy.Copy !req
352. He's my prince.Copy !req
353. - And he's the one I'm gonna marry.
- No.Copy !req
354. You'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him.Copy !req
355. You'll marry Nicky.Copy !req
356. You know, thinking about the honeymoon
makes me, like, really horny.Copy !req
357. Like, a lot.Copy !req
358. Wow, you seem tense.Copy !req
359. When was the last time...Copy !req
360. - ... you and Frank were intimate?
- It's been a while.Copy !req
361. It sure has.Copy !req
362. - Is that all you got?
- Hold on.Copy !req
363. - How do you think it's going?
- I think it's going really well.Copy !req
364. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
365. Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.Copy !req
366. Man, you might wanna
put your shirt back on.Copy !req
367. Man.Copy !req
368. The wedding planner will see you now.Copy !req
369. I'm Jell-O.Copy !req
370. Please, have a seat.Copy !req
371. Now, I'm here to plan
your dream wedding.Copy !req
372. So tell me what you want.Copy !req
373. Well, we want a traditional wedding.Copy !req
374. Something simple, yet elegant.Copy !req
375. Yo, I know exactly the place.Copy !req
376. Think outside my buns.Copy !req
377. It's not quite what we had in mind.Copy !req
378. That's the best I can do on short notice.Copy !req
379. You gotta book the caterer,
pick a piñata...Copy !req
380. - ... choose your best man.
- I've already taken care of that.Copy !req
381. - My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning.
- Andy?Copy !req
382. Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
I think you two will hit it off tremendously.Copy !req
383. I can't wait.Copy !req
384. And I can't wait till you see
who I booked for the entertainment.Copy !req
385. - No!
- No!Copy !req
386. So where is this best man of yours?Copy !req
387. Andy!Copy !req
388. - Andy's not a guy?
- A guy? Heavens, no.Copy !req
389. It's great we've remained so close...Copy !req
390. even after the engagement
fell through.Copy !req
391. You two were engaged?Copy !req
392. Ages ago.Copy !req
393. It was more physical
than anything, really.Copy !req
394. Just constant sex.Copy !req
395. Sex.Copy !req
396. Sex.Copy !req
397. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
398. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
399. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
400. So, you realized it just wasn't right?Copy !req
401. Well, she realized it wasn't right.Copy !req
402. She dumped me.Copy !req
403. Just wasn't ready to settle down.Copy !req
404. Why is she in slow motion?Copy !req
405. She likes to make an entrance.Copy !req
406. Grant!Copy !req
407. This is Julia.Copy !req
408. Oh, I have heard so much about you.Copy !req
409. Now, Grant told me
how attractive you were...Copy !req
410. but he never mentioned
you were flat-chested.Copy !req
411. How cute.Copy !req
412. Excuse me, while I get out
of these wet clothes.Copy !req
413. So how did you two meet?Copy !req
414. We were in Beverly Hills.Copy !req
415. TIFFANY & CO.Copy !req
416. LV
Rodeo DrCopy !req
417. I'll give you $100 for the week.Copy !req
418. Sounds quite reasonable.Copy !req
419. Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?Copy !req
420. And so eventually you got engaged,
and then you broke up ages ago.Copy !req
421. Sure, if you call three weeks
"ages ago."Copy !req
422. You were engaged to her
three weeks ago?Copy !req
423. Honestly, Julia,
you have nothing to be jealous about.Copy !req
424. Just because I see Grant
with another woman...Copy !req
425. doesn't mean I want him back.Copy !req
426. Finger sandwich?Copy !req
427. Okay, I'll go first.Copy !req
428. Let me say,
we don't really need to be here.Copy !req
429. - See, we've been dating for five days.
- Six.Copy !req
430. Five, six days.Copy !req
431. And this is like a check-up for us.Copy !req
432. There's this huge space between us...Copy !req
433. and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.Copy !req
434. How honest are you with him?Copy !req
435. Pretty honest.Copy !req
436. I mean, it's not like I lie to him
or anything.Copy !req
437. I just...Copy !req
438. I mean, I have little secrets.Copy !req
439. Everyone has secrets.Copy !req
440. I have hepatitis C.Copy !req
441. How does that make you feel?Copy !req
442. I'm not sure, really.Copy !req
443. Let me clarify. I love Julia.Copy !req
444. I want her to be happy.Copy !req
445. I want good things for her.Copy !req
446. But there are times...Copy !req
447. You know?Copy !req
448. When she's sleeping,
just take a pillow and...Copy !req
449. - Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
- To be honest, I was surprised you called.Copy !req
450. Well, you're a part of Grant's life.Copy !req
451. And that means
you're a part of my life too.Copy !req
452. You look like a princess.Copy !req
453. You don't think it's a bit too much?Copy !req
454. Oh, not at all.Copy !req
455. I'll go get some pins to fit it.Copy !req
456. Why do you insist on dressing me
in these fruity outfits?Copy !req
457. I'm gonna take this lollipop
and shove it up your ass.Copy !req
458. I can hear everyone's thoughts!Copy !req
459. I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.Copy !req
460. It's like I'm trapped
in a bad Mel Gibson movie.Copy !req
461. What the hell was I thinking?
He's a freaking backup dancer.Copy !req
462. Dude, I married Britney Spears.Copy !req
463. I'm rich!Copy !req
464. I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich!Copy !req
465. Is the bride-to-be ready?Copy !req
466. Bride-to-be? Shit.Copy !req
467. Not if I can help it.Copy !req
468. I've got 24 hours
to break up this wedding.Copy !req
469. No.Copy !req
470. Yes.Copy !req
471. I'll turn Grant against you
and make him love me again.Copy !req
472. Me, me, me!Copy !req
473. Stay away from me.Copy !req
474. What is it now?Copy !req
475. Grant's got an ex-fiancée.
And she has a thing for him, I just know it.Copy !req
476. And they have this long,
romantic history.Copy !req
477. How can I measure up to that?Copy !req
478. Skimpy Bikini Illustrated
The Swimsuit Issue That Self CombustsCopy !req
479. You can't. She's fine as hell.Copy !req
480. I would tear that shit up!Copy !req
481. You know, everything was going so well
until she turns up.Copy !req
482. Look, he's not with Andy anymore.
He's with you.Copy !req
483. You gotta put aside your insecurities.
It'll all work out.Copy !req
484. - Do you really believe that?
- No. But my white customers do.Copy !req
485. Look, I believe in you and Grant.Copy !req
486. And before you know it,
you'll be walking down the aisle.Copy !req
487. And saying our vows.Copy !req
488. And our first dance.Copy !req
489. Starting the fire. Starting the fire.
Starting the fire.Copy !req
490. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip.Copy !req
491. Throw it away. Throw it away.Copy !req
492. You call that dancing?Copy !req
493. No.Copy !req
494. You see this?
This is where you live, right here.Copy !req
495. This is your home.Copy !req
496. Well, how about this?Copy !req
497. That bitch be krumping!Copy !req
498. It's okay.Copy !req
499. It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.Copy !req
500. Grant and I just have to get through
the rehearsal dinner...Copy !req
501. and then tomorrow's the big day.Copy !req
502. Once we're married,
everything will be perfect.Copy !req
503. Who are you kidding?Copy !req
504. Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough.Copy !req
505. He's meant to be with Andy.Copy !req
506. - Don't say that!
- This is who you really are.Copy !req
507. Worst Foods
MayonnaiseCopy !req
508. You're a frump girl.Copy !req
509. You may look different,
but inside you'll always be me.Copy !req
510. No, please, stop.Copy !req
511. You'll be stuck in that diner
till the end of time.Copy !req
512. I don't believe you.Copy !req
513. True love is a myth.Copy !req
514. You better hurry up and marry Nicky...Copy !req
515. before you end up a fat,
dusty old maid.Copy !req
516. Never!Copy !req
517. You'll see.Copy !req
518. Quiet, everyone. Quiet.Copy !req
519. Roz has a few words to say.Copy !req
520. Oh, thank you, hon.Copy !req
521. I would like to make a toast.Copy !req
522. To Grant and Julia.Copy !req
523. Yeah! What?Copy !req
524. Okay! Get crunk!Copy !req
525. Get crunked!Copy !req
526. You like it?Copy !req
527. You look ravishing.Copy !req
528. What? What's wrong?Copy !req
529. Grant, your whole courtship
has been rocky to say the least.Copy !req
530. I just hope you're not rushing
into this marriage with Julia...Copy !req
531. as a way of getting over me.Copy !req
532. I...Copy !req
533. Oh, dear God.Copy !req
534. A carousel.Copy !req
535. I... I better get back.Copy !req
536. Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.Copy !req
537. We're getting married tomorrow.Copy !req
538. I need to know,
do you still have feelings for Andy?Copy !req
539. Of course not.Copy !req
540. I trust you.Copy !req
541. I just don't want to get hurt.Copy !req
542. You have nothing to worry about.Copy !req
543. I'm devoted to you.Copy !req
544. Forever.Copy !req
545. The moment I saw youCopy !req
546. Before I proposed to youCopy !req
547. We said a little prayer for youCopy !req
548. While combing my hair nowCopy !req
549. You're wondering what's
Under my dress nowCopy !req
550. - We said a little prayer for you
- We said a little prayer for youCopy !req
551. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
552. And he loves youCopy !req
553. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
554. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
555. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
556. For this love storyCopy !req
557. Screw Grant
She must marry NickyCopy !req
558. I really do love you, dearCopy !req
559. But Andy keeps whispering in his earCopy !req
560. We'll say a little prayer for youCopy !req
561. Grant and I will get hitchedCopy !req
562. If we survive my family
And that scheming bitchCopy !req
563. We'll say a little prayer for youCopy !req
564. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
565. And he loves youCopy !req
566. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
567. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
568. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
569. For this love storyCopy !req
570. I have one night to stop this weddingCopy !req
571. My daughter get busyCopy !req
572. - Get busy
- Get busyCopy !req
573. Just back that thing upCopy !req
574. He'll be trueCopy !req
575. Please, love me tooCopy !req
576. Answer his prayersCopy !req
577. Try position 22Copy !req
578. Getting your swerve on, babyCopy !req
579. Answer his prayersCopy !req
580. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
581. And he loves youCopy !req
582. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
583. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
584. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
585. For this love storyCopy !req
586. Will the ending be good or crappy?Copy !req
587. No!Copy !req
588. Not a zit on my wedding day.Copy !req
589. No.Copy !req
590. Saint Sophia Community ChurchCopy !req
591. Where the hell is Julia?Copy !req
592. SHE'SCopy !req
593. Grant, I wouldn't be your best man
unless I told you this.Copy !req
594. Julia doesn't deserve you.Copy !req
595. Oh, come on.Copy !req
596. She's an hour late for her own wedding.Copy !req
597. Maybe she's got cold feet because
she knows it's not right between you two.Copy !req
598. Do you ever think about us?Copy !req
599. - Yeah.
- Me too.Copy !req
600. My grandmother's ring.Copy !req
601. She gave you this ring on her deathbed
and made you promise...Copy !req
602. to give it to the woman you wanted to
spend the rest of your life with.Copy !req
603. You gave it to me.Copy !req
604. My grandfather's toe ring.Copy !req
605. And didn't he give you this ring
on his deathbed...Copy !req
606. and make you promise to give it
to the woman you'd cherish forever?Copy !req
607. You gave that to me too.Copy !req
608. Julia—Copy !req
609. She's just the rebound girl.Copy !req
610. I'm ready to take you back.
Choose me. Marry me.Copy !req
611. Andy, I just don't feel the same way
about you anymore.Copy !req
612. Julia's the one.Copy !req
613. Then one last kiss.Copy !req
614. Julia, no.Copy !req
615. Julia Please Take me back!Copy !req
616. I'M A JERKCopy !req
617. A REAL
ASSHOLE...Copy !req
618. Shut up! It's 4 in the morning!Copy !req
619. Asshole!Copy !req
620. Turn that crap off!Copy !req
621. I'm trying to watch
Desperate Housewives.Copy !req
622. It's called an iPod, get one!Copy !req
623. Lonely Woman
DinnerCopy !req
624. Jinxers?Copy !req
625. Julia.Copy !req
626. Let's get you out of that funk.Copy !req
627. Julia, will you marry me?Copy !req
628. Please?Copy !req
629. - That was good, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
630. I know Nicky's a little rough
around the edges...Copy !req
631. but give him a chance.Copy !req
632. You know, when your mother and I first
got married we barely knew each other.Copy !req
633. I was a mail-order bride...Copy !req
634. could barely speak
the English language.Copy !req
635. - Dad, you're from Jersey.
- I'm trying to make a point here.Copy !req
636. At first, Linda and I couldn't get along.Copy !req
637. But we grew to understand
and even respect each other.Copy !req
638. I'm proud to say
we've been married for 30 years...Copy !req
639. and I have you and your sister
to show for it.Copy !req
640. Now, maybe that's not
the fairy tale you dream of...Copy !req
641. but that's real life.Copy !req
642. So, what do you say?Copy !req
643. I've been fooling myself all along.Copy !req
644. There is no Prince Charming.Copy !req
645. And true love is something
that only exists in the movies.Copy !req
646. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
647. I'll marry Nicky.Copy !req
648. Back to work.Copy !req
649. You're crying.Copy !req
650. Tears of joy, Dad.Copy !req
651. Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here.Copy !req
652. We are gathered here to join this man...Copy !req
653. and this woman in holy matrimony.Copy !req
654. Marriage is a contract
that should not be taken lightly.Copy !req
655. It must be honored by two people
who are truly in love.Copy !req
656. If anyone has any reason
why these two should not be married...Copy !req
657. speak now or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
658. - I object.
- Thank God.Copy !req
659. This isn't what you wanted.Copy !req
660. It's what I wanted.Copy !req
661. I was wrong about Grant.
He's a good man.Copy !req
662. He even liked you
when you were butt-ugly.Copy !req
663. - How do you—?
- I saw it in your flashback.Copy !req
664. You and Grant were meant
to be together.Copy !req
665. I don't know.Copy !req
666. You need to read this.Copy !req
667. How to Lose a Girl in 10 DaysCopy !req
668. My darling Julia, I'm sorry.Copy !req
669. So sorry.Copy !req
670. So very, very sorry.Copy !req
671. And yet "sorry" seems to be
the hardest word to say.Copy !req
672. If you can ever forgive me,
and you're ready to make that leap...Copy !req
673. I promise I'll be there to catch you.Copy !req
674. If you still love me the way I love you...Copy !req
675. then meet me where
Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.Copy !req
676. On the Internet?Copy !req
677. No, not in You've Got Mail,
in Sleepless in Seattle.Copy !req
678. Right. The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.Copy !req
679. But how do I get there?Copy !req
680. I'll MapQuest directions
and IM it to your BlackBerry.Copy !req
681. But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.Copy !req
682. You can borrow my Treo 650.Copy !req
683. How about we just meet
where we had our first date?Copy !req
684. A Restaurant?Copy !req
685. But that's way uptown.
Traffic's a nightmare.Copy !req
686. The rooftop of your apartment building?Copy !req
687. Okay, great.Copy !req
688. This issue's six months old.Copy !req
689. I hope he's still waiting.Copy !req
690. He'd be a fool not to wait
for my daughter.Copy !req
691. - Go get him, baby.
- Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
692. Taxi, taxi!Copy !req
693. Taxi!Copy !req
694. GIVE UP HONEY...
SHE AIN'T COMING!Copy !req
695. Let's go, someone!Copy !req
696. Someone, please help!Copy !req
697. Trick, you getting on my nerves.Copy !req
698. I need to get across town fast.Copy !req
699. I owe you.Copy !req
700. Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch.Copy !req
701. Come on. Open up.Copy !req
702. Please.Copy !req
703. Oh, please.Copy !req
704. He's mine!Copy !req
705. Keep your damn hands off my man.Copy !req
706. I'm too late.Copy !req
707. Julia!Copy !req
708. What happens after the prince
rescues the princess?Copy !req
709. She rescues him right back.Copy !req
710. You make me want to be a better man.Copy !req
711. You had me at hello.Copy !req
712. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...Copy !req
713. asking him to love her.Copy !req
714. What? I'm also an ordained minister.Copy !req
715. By the powers vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.Copy !req
716. Show her some love, man.Copy !req
717. Bravo!Copy !req
718. Julia.Copy !req
719. This is for you.Copy !req
720. It's a vaginal thermometer.Copy !req
721. It lets you know when you're ovulating.Copy !req
722. It's been in our family for generations.Copy !req
723. And if you want to keep it
our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.Copy !req
724. - Julia.
- Dad.Copy !req
725. You're gonna have to find
a new waitress.Copy !req
726. It's about time.Copy !req
727. Come here.Copy !req
728. Hey.Copy !req
729. Take care of my daughter.Copy !req
730. All right.Copy !req
731. Goodbye! Best of luck.Copy !req
732. Hey, is it too late
to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding?Copy !req
733. Bye.Copy !req
734. And we lived happily ever after.Copy !req
735. JULIA JONES'S
DiaryCopy !req
736. But not before we went on our honeymoon
to romantic Kong Island.Copy !req
737. Help! Please, help me!Copy !req
738. Help!Copy !req
739. Keep the camera rolling.Copy !req
740. Oh, God.Copy !req
741. Help! Please.Copy !req
742. No. No.Copy !req
743. Carmen Electra.Copy !req
744. Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!Copy !req
745. Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!Copy !req
746. That feels kind of good.Copy !req
747. A little kinky.Copy !req
748. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
749. BIG ASSCopy !req
750. I like hairy boys.Copy !req
751. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
752. Yes!Copy !req
753. Yes!Copy !req
754. Beautiful.Copy !req
755. Yes, drink it.Copy !req
756. Tell you, you're gonna love that.Copy !req
757. Is that Cos' hand on your booty?Copy !req
758. Cut it.Copy !req
759. I'm kind of an amateur tennis player...Copy !req
760. and I was playing
and it was a drizzly day...Copy !req
761. and Roz came down and volunteered
to hold my balls and keep them dry.Copy !req
762. - His balls—
- We got rained out anyway.Copy !req
763. His balls are always wet,
whether it's raining or not.Copy !req
764. Hey, is it too late for one more parody?Copy !req
765. It's on the Hudson with
breathtaking views of the skyline.Copy !req
766. Yeah! What?Copy !req
767. Okay!Copy !req
768. Get crunk!Copy !req
769. We say a little prayer for you.Copy !req
770. Infantilism.Copy !req
771. How often do you have sex?Copy !req
772. I don't understand the question.Copy !req
773. I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.Copy !req
774. We're limited to very mild
sexual content.Copy !req
775. Above the waist...Copy !req
776. - ... over the shirts, no tongues.
- No tongue.Copy !req
777. How about this week?Copy !req
778. A hundred and twenty-seven.Copy !req