1. Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!Copy !req
2. What would you do if you were
in a situation like this? Gosh!Copy !req
3. Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!Copy !req
4. DON'T VOTE FOR PEDROCopy !req
5. JULIA JONES'S
DiaryCopy !req
6. Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again.Copy !req
7. weight 389 lbs. Cigarettes 1,42 per day
Alcohol units - Tara Reid statusCopy !req
8. I fear I'll never get married.Copy !req
9. LCopy !req
10. Maybe I am destined
to be a sad old spinster...Copy !req
11. whose only companionship comes from
an absurd amount of cats.Copy !req
12. No, that won't be me!Copy !req
13. I believe in true love.Copy !req
14. My knight in shining armor
is out there somewhere...Copy !req
15. and I'm gonna find him.Copy !req
16. Oh, shit.Copy !req
17. GREEK DINERCopy !req
18. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
19. Look here, Julia.Copy !req
20. When you gonna find a man
and get married?Copy !req
21. You looking old, fat, and saggy.Copy !req
22. And the mole on your forearm,
it's growing a mole.Copy !req
23. Let's put some hummus on it.Copy !req
24. Cures everything.Copy !req
25. Baby, you gotta find a man.Copy !req
26. In our race to protect our
Greek heritage—Copy !req
27. Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.Copy !req
28. Let us not forget,
you're also one half Indian.Copy !req
29. - Your mother's right.
- Big sister, we also Japanese.Copy !req
30. And Jewish.Copy !req
31. So you're telling me I have to marry a guy
who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew?Copy !req
32. Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find.
I mean, look around. They everywhere.Copy !req
33. Nicky. Nicky!Copy !req
34. You're Greek, right?Copy !req
35. Yeah. And Indian and Japanese
and a Jew.Copy !req
36. You wanna go out with my daughter?Copy !req
37. No, I don't like redheads. Sorry.Copy !req
38. Dad, I know I'm no beauty,
but I'm not gonna settle.Copy !req
39. I respect our heritage,
but I believe love is blind.Copy !req
40. Somewhere out there is my true love.Copy !req
41. No! Back to work.Copy !req
42. Coffee?Copy !req
43. - More coffee?
- Excellent.Copy !req
44. Jolly good. I quite fancy some...Copy !req
45. more coffee, actually.Copy !req
46. Pick up.Copy !req
47. Pick up! Pick up!Copy !req
48. - Okay.
- Pick up!Copy !req
49. I'm coming.Copy !req
50. hitch Feeling all alone?
hitch'll find you someone to boneCopy !req
51. HITCH - DATE DOCTOR
M.D., Ph.D., DDS... OBGYNCopy !req
52. Oh, hell, no!Copy !req
53. - You're Hitch?
- You got a problem with that?Copy !req
54. Please, I'm desperate.Copy !req
55. Even I can't help you,
and I found Star Jones a husband.Copy !req
56. Shit. Come on in.Copy !req
57. Thanks for seeing me.
I heard you're the best.Copy !req
58. You're goddamn right I'm the best!Copy !req
59. Look at all the couples
I'm responsible for.Copy !req
60. You got Brad and Jen.Copy !req
61. Jessica and Nick.Copy !req
62. Ben and Gwyn.Copy !req
63. Ben and Jen.Copy !req
64. Ben and Jen.Copy !req
65. Ben and Matt.Copy !req
66. Whitney and Bobby.Copy !req
67. Kobe and Shaq.Copy !req
68. Ellen and Anne.Copy !req
69. Yeah, I do them too.Copy !req
70. Well, there's this guy at the diner
where I work.Copy !req
71. We had this moment.Copy !req
72. What happened?Copy !req
73. I turned around and he was gone.Copy !req
74. He probably got a good look
at your mug and ran.Copy !req
75. Why don't we broaden the search
from that one guy to just any nigga?Copy !req
76. - Okay.
- Eight out of ten guys believe...Copy !req
77. the first kiss will tell them everything
they need to know about a relationship.Copy !req
78. So before we get started,
let's see what you got.Copy !req
79. Stinky. You got the dragon.Copy !req
80. You got a little something in there.Copy !req
81. A whole wing?Copy !req
82. Extra crispy? Goddamn!Copy !req
83. Good gracious!Copy !req
84. Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry?Copy !req
85. I'm hopeless.Copy !req
86. I'm never gonna meet
my Prince Charming.Copy !req
87. I got it.Copy !req
88. - A reality dating show?
- Says here you can meet your dream man.Copy !req
89. Extreme BACHELOR
DESPERATE EDITIONCopy !req
90. It also says you have to be beautiful.Copy !req
91. Well, you're beautiful-ish.Copy !req
92. Come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show...Copy !req
93. is if you magically turn me
into a princess.Copy !req
94. Let's roll.Copy !req
95. Yo, fellas.Copy !req
96. West Side Custom
WSCCopy !req
97. Time to pimp her out.Copy !req
98. Hey, hey.Copy !req
99. - Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
100. Worst Foods
MayonnaiseCopy !req
101. Whoa, you officially pimped out.Copy !req
102. All right, girl. Now you're good to go.Copy !req
103. Ladies, good evening.Copy !req
104. And welcome to
The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition.Copy !req
105. By the end of tonight's episode...Copy !req
106. one of you lucky ladies will be chosen
by the bachelor...Copy !req
107. to go on a dream date.Copy !req
108. So let's meet him.Copy !req
109. He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.Copy !req
110. Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor?Copy !req
111. - Hi. Lovely to meet you.
- Hi.Copy !req
112. Hello, I'm Grant.Copy !req
113. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
114. - I'm Grant.
- Hi, Grant.Copy !req
115. Nice to meet you.Copy !req
116. I'm Julia.Copy !req
117. Pleasure.Copy !req
118. Now, Grant, the elimination round.Copy !req
119. Essentially nixing the girls
you don't want to bang.Copy !req
120. Who's going to be eliminated?Copy !req
121. Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.Copy !req
122. Julia, will you accept this rose?Copy !req
123. Yes.Copy !req
124. Guys, congratulations.Copy !req
125. You have won a dinner for two
at A Restaurant.Copy !req
126. A Restaurant!Copy !req
127. Thanks!Copy !req
128. A RestaurantCopy !req
129. Oh, yeah, that's it.Copy !req
130. Oh, God.Copy !req
131. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
132. Yeah.Copy !req
133. Yeah.Copy !req
134. Yes!Copy !req
135. Yes!Copy !req
136. Yes!Copy !req
137. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
138. Oh, yes!Copy !req
139. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
140. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
141. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
142. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
143. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
144. Yes!Copy !req
145. Oh, God.Copy !req
146. Gosh.Copy !req
147. So you're saying
you do want the pork chops?Copy !req
148. - Yes, please.
- Okay.Copy !req
149. I'll have what he's having.Copy !req
150. So tell me about you.Copy !req
151. Oh, I'm just a waitress.Copy !req
152. But I want to go to school
to be a pastry chef.Copy !req
153. Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.Copy !req
154. And for my admissions essay,
I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...Copy !req
155. why I would make
an amazing pastry chef.Copy !req
156. JULIA GONE WILDCopy !req
157. What a coincidence.Copy !req
158. I love pie.Copy !req
159. - I've gotta take you downtown for the best—
- Hummus pie?Copy !req
160. You've been there?Copy !req
161. That's actually my recipe.Copy !req
162. But tell me more about you.Copy !req
163. Like, what's your favorite love song?Copy !req
164. It's kind of corny.Copy !req
165. Oh, come on.Copy !req
166. You're that waitress.Copy !req
167. You've changed.Copy !req
168. Well, I was sort of going
through a phase.Copy !req
169. I was downright ugly.Copy !req
170. I don't remember you ever being ugly.Copy !req
171. But I remember you.Copy !req
172. I can't explain it, but when I'm with you
I just feel so alive.Copy !req
173. - Me too.
- I just wanna scream and shout and...Copy !req
174. Bum fight?Copy !req
175. Julia?Copy !req
176. Come on.Copy !req
177. Yes!Copy !req
178. Yes!Copy !req
179. Yes!Copy !req
180. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
181. That was amazing.Copy !req
182. It sure was.Copy !req
183. She faked it, Grant.Copy !req
184. But I didn't.Copy !req
185. Meow.Copy !req
186. Meow.Copy !req
187. Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
188. CRABS HOTELCopy !req
189. Bleach
Leaves Rectum SparklingCopy !req
190. OLDMAN'S OWN
BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHECopy !req
191. No, no, no!Copy !req
192. No! No!Copy !req
193. - Tingly.
- Grant...Copy !req
194. how would you feel
about meeting my parents?Copy !req
195. So, Grant...Copy !req
196. - ... ever knock anyone up?
- Mom.Copy !req
197. Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I
know if he's shooting blanks or not?Copy !req
198. Bathroom's down the hall.Copy !req
199. VICKY'S SECRETCopy !req
200. Just leave the sample on the counter.Copy !req
201. Sorry.Copy !req
202. That's Jinxers.Copy !req
203. Taught him how to do that.Copy !req
204. Julia told me your last name.
How do you pronounce it?Copy !req
205. Just how it's spelled.Copy !req
206. F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.Copy !req
207. Fockyerdoder?Copy !req
208. - Allergic to cats?
- No, no, I love cats.Copy !req
209. In fact, growing up on a farm,
I once milked a cat.Copy !req
210. I got nipples, Grant.Copy !req
211. Can you milk me?Copy !req
212. May I say that's an exquisite vase?Copy !req
213. An ancient artifact, I presume.Copy !req
214. That's actually an urn
containing the remains of Frank's mother.Copy !req
215. Well, I'm sure your mother
would want to celebrate...Copy !req
216. that Julia finally applied
to pastry school.Copy !req
217. - What? School?
- Don't you want me to better myself?Copy !req
218. No! I want you to work at the diner
until you die.Copy !req
219. Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant?Copy !req
220. No.Copy !req
221. No, no, no!Copy !req
222. Mama!Copy !req
223. - Mama!
- Grandma.Copy !req
224. Jinxers. Jinxers, no.Copy !req
225. Grandma Jones. Oh, God.Copy !req
226. No. Jinxers, stop it.Copy !req
227. - Hey!
- Jinxers.Copy !req
228. - Jinxers, no.
- Oh, no, no.Copy !req
229. - No.
- Jinxers, no.Copy !req
230. - Jinxers, no.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
231. No!Copy !req
232. - Get off my mama!
- Bad!Copy !req
233. Stop humping!Copy !req
234. - Bad kitty.
- Please.Copy !req
235. - Jinxers! No.
- I didn't teach him how to do that.Copy !req
236. - Jinxers! Bad cat!
- God!Copy !req
237. Jinxers, no!Copy !req
238. Mama!Copy !req
239. That was a disaster.Copy !req
240. It wasn't that bad.Copy !req
241. You desecrated
my grandmother's remains...Copy !req
242. and my father hates you.Copy !req
243. Why didn't you tell your parents
about pastry school?Copy !req
244. I'm working my way up to it.
I'm just waiting for the right time.Copy !req
245. Julia, you're a grown woman.Copy !req
246. If you haven't noticed,
my family is totally controlling.Copy !req
247. They meddle in every aspect of my life.Copy !req
248. Not to mention, no one in our family
has ever dated outside of our culture.Copy !req
249. He reminds me of Webster.Copy !req
250. I just don't see
how this could work between us.Copy !req
251. Look, so your family's difficult.Copy !req
252. Whose isn't?Copy !req
253. Until I met you, my life was boring.Copy !req
254. But you, you're smart...Copy !req
255. and interesting...Copy !req
256. and beautiful.Copy !req
257. I just want to be with you.Copy !req
258. Did you say I was beautiful?Copy !req
259. Come with me.Copy !req
260. It's just a little Jesus juice.Copy !req
261. Where are you taking me?Copy !req
262. - What are we...?
- You'll see.Copy !req
263. Oh, my God.Copy !req
264. Oh, my God.Copy !req
265. Oh, my God.Copy !req
266. Oh, my God.Copy !req
267. Julia Jones...Copy !req
268. will you marry me?Copy !req
269. Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,
I will marry you.Copy !req
270. How much will you give me for this?Copy !req
271. No. No!Copy !req
272. - Fifty bucks.
- Shit, that's it?Copy !req
273. But it will destroy all evil.Copy !req
274. Oh, screw off, wizard!Copy !req
275. My precious.Copy !req
276. Before you set the wedding date...Copy !req
277. I wanted to meet your parents.Copy !req
278. Because, frankly,
I don't know much about you.Copy !req
279. I understand, homeboy.Copy !req
280. I'll be watching you.Copy !req
281. If you do anything
to corrupt my daughter...Copy !req
282. You'll bring me down to Chinatown?Copy !req
283. Chinatown?Copy !req
284. I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street.Copy !req
285. Bust you in the head with a pipe.Copy !req
286. Hi, Little Jack.Copy !req
287. How come you have Betty's baby?Copy !req
288. She's at a swingers' convention
this weekend...Copy !req
289. - ... so we said we'd take care of him.
- Oh, how nice.Copy !req
290. Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack sign language.Copy !req
291. Oh, I heard about this.
Real cutting-edge stuff.Copy !req
292. "What happens when the ho
doesn't give up all the cash?"Copy !req
293. That's right, Little Jack.
"Keep your pimp hand strong."Copy !req
294. Beeyotch.Copy !req
295. His first word!Copy !req
296. - Little Jack, what did you say?
- Beeyotch.Copy !req
297. FOCKYERDODER
ISLECopy !req
298. Is that your dad?Copy !req
299. Figures.Copy !req
300. Grant!Copy !req
301. My boy!Copy !req
302. It's good to see you.Copy !req
303. This is my fiancée, Julia.
And her parents, Linda and Frank.Copy !req
304. Bernie Fockyerdoder.
Pleased to meet all of you.Copy !req
305. Frank, give me some sugar.Copy !req
306. Put her there!Copy !req
307. All right, all right.Copy !req
308. - And this must be your little girl.
- No, that's my wife.Copy !req
309. Wife? So young, so pretty.Copy !req
310. And you must be Julia.
What a beautiful moment this is.Copy !req
311. So beautiful. Just beautiful.Copy !req
312. Dad. Dad.Copy !req
313. What? We're all family now.Copy !req
314. I'll just go get the luggage.Copy !req
315. So, what was that
you were doing back there?Copy !req
316. - I was just practicing Capuerta.
- Capa-what?Copy !req
317. Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.Copy !req
318. - Beeyotch.
- I've been doing it for weeks.Copy !req
319. It keeps me level.Copy !req
320. Come on, let's go meet Roz.Copy !req
321. Roz!Copy !req
322. You're going to love her.
Everybody, this is Roz.Copy !req
323. IDIOT'S
Tantric SexCopy !req
324. I've been kvelling to meet
this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day.Copy !req
325. So, Grant tells me you're a doctor.Copy !req
326. I'm a sex therapist.Copy !req
327. I specialize in teenage impotency.Copy !req
328. Who's thirsty?Copy !req
329. - Mum, no.
- Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed...Copy !req
330. because he lost his virginity
to the housekeeper.Copy !req
331. Hey, Eduardo.Copy !req
332. Hi, Grant.Copy !req
333. Thanks, Eduardo.Copy !req
334. So is it Harry?Copy !req
335. - Is what hairy?
- Your name.Copy !req
336. - No, no. It's Bernie.
- Oh, no, but it is hairy.Copy !req
337. - What are you talking about?
- Picture this with 4 pounds of hair.Copy !req
338. Oh, stop.Copy !req
339. So when's the big date?Copy !req
340. Well, we wanted a long engagement...Copy !req
341. so we're getting married this Sunday.Copy !req
342. Oh, hell, no.
I'm not paying for that wedding.Copy !req
343. Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah.
We'll pay for it.Copy !req
344. Of course.Copy !req
345. I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning.Copy !req
346. Let's have a toast.Copy !req
347. To great, big matzo balls.Copy !req
348. I couldn't be happier.Copy !req
349. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
350. Because Nicky has agreed
to marry you.Copy !req
351. - Nicky.
- Yeah. Good job.Copy !req
352. Looking good. Nice.Copy !req
353. Dad, my whole life I've had this dream...Copy !req
354. that a prince would someday
come and rescue me.Copy !req
355. Grant is that guy.Copy !req
356. He's my prince.Copy !req
357. - And he's the one I'm gonna marry.
- No.Copy !req
358. You'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him.Copy !req
359. You'll marry Nicky.Copy !req
360. You know, thinking about the honeymoon
makes me, like, really horny.Copy !req
361. Like, a lot.Copy !req
362. Wow, you seem tense.Copy !req
363. When was the last time...Copy !req
364. - ... you and Frank were intimate?
- It's been a while.Copy !req
365. It sure has.Copy !req
366. - Is that all you got?
- Hold on.Copy !req
367. - How do you think it's going?
- I think it's going really well.Copy !req
368. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
369. Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.Copy !req
370. Man, you might wanna
put your shirt back on.Copy !req
371. Man.Copy !req
372. The wedding planner will see you now.Copy !req
373. I'm Jell-O.Copy !req
374. Please, have a seat.Copy !req
375. Now, I'm here to plan
your dream wedding.Copy !req
376. So tell me what you want.Copy !req
377. Well, we want a traditional wedding.Copy !req
378. Something simple, yet elegant.Copy !req
379. Yo, I know exactly the place.Copy !req
380. TACO BUTTCopy !req
381. Think outside my buns.Copy !req
382. It's not quite what we had in mind.Copy !req
383. That's the best I can do on short notice.Copy !req
384. You gotta book the caterer,
pick a piñata...Copy !req
385. - ... choose your best man.
- I've already taken care of that.Copy !req
386. - My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning.
- Andy?Copy !req
387. Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
I think you two will hit it off tremendously.Copy !req
388. I can't wait.Copy !req
389. And I can't wait till you see
who I booked for the entertainment.Copy !req
390. - No!
- No!Copy !req
391. So where is this best man of yours?Copy !req
392. Andy!Copy !req
393. - Andy's not a guy?
- A guy? Heavens, no.Copy !req
394. It's great we've remained so close...Copy !req
395. even after the engagement
fell through.Copy !req
396. You two were engaged?Copy !req
397. Ages ago.Copy !req
398. It was more physical
than anything, really.Copy !req
399. Just constant sex.Copy !req
400. Sex.Copy !req
401. Sex.Copy !req
402. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
403. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
404. Sex. Sex. Sex.Copy !req
405. So, you realized it just wasn't right?Copy !req
406. Well, she realized it wasn't right.Copy !req
407. She dumped me.Copy !req
408. Just wasn't ready to settle down.Copy !req
409. Why is she in slow motion?Copy !req
410. She likes to make an entrance.Copy !req
411. Grant!Copy !req
412. This is Julia.Copy !req
413. Oh, I have heard so much about you.Copy !req
414. Now, Grant told me
how attractive you were...Copy !req
415. but he never mentioned
you were flat-chested.Copy !req
416. How cute.Copy !req
417. Excuse me, while I get out
of these wet clothes.Copy !req
418. So how did you two meet?Copy !req
419. We were in Beverly Hills.Copy !req
420. TIFFANY & CO.Copy !req
421. GUCCICopy !req
422. BVLGARICopy !req
423. VERSACE
LOUIS VUITTONCopy !req
424. LV
Rodeo DrCopy !req
425. I'll give you $100 for the week.Copy !req
426. Sounds quite reasonable.Copy !req
427. Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?Copy !req
428. And so eventually you got engaged,
and then you broke up ages ago.Copy !req
429. Sure, if you call three weeks
"ages ago."Copy !req
430. You were engaged to her
three weeks ago?Copy !req
431. Honestly, Julia,
you have nothing to be jealous about.Copy !req
432. Just because I see Grant
with another woman...Copy !req
433. doesn't mean I want him back.Copy !req
434. Finger sandwich?Copy !req
435. Okay, I'll go first.Copy !req
436. Let me say,
we don't really need to be here.Copy !req
437. - See, we've been dating for five days.
- Six.Copy !req
438. Five, six days.Copy !req
439. And this is like a check-up for us.Copy !req
440. There's this huge space between us...Copy !req
441. and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.Copy !req
442. How honest are you with him?Copy !req
443. Pretty honest.Copy !req
444. I mean, it's not like I lie to him
or anything.Copy !req
445. I just...Copy !req
446. I mean, I have little secrets.Copy !req
447. Everyone has secrets.Copy !req
448. I have hepatitis C.Copy !req
449. How does that make you feel?Copy !req
450. I'm not sure, really.Copy !req
451. Let me clarify. I love Julia.Copy !req
452. I want her to be happy.Copy !req
453. I want good things for her.Copy !req
454. But there are times...Copy !req
455. You know?Copy !req
456. When she's sleeping,
just take a pillow and...Copy !req
457. BEST
BRIDECopy !req
458. - Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
- To be honest, I was surprised you called.Copy !req
459. Well, you're a part of Grant's life.Copy !req
460. And that means
you're a part of my life too.Copy !req
461. You look like a princess.Copy !req
462. You don't think it's a bit too much?Copy !req
463. Oh, not at all.Copy !req
464. I'll go get some pins to fit it.Copy !req
465. Why do you insist on dressing me
in these fruity outfits?Copy !req
466. I'm gonna take this lollipop
and shove it up your ass.Copy !req
467. I can hear everyone's thoughts!Copy !req
468. I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.Copy !req
469. It's like I'm trapped
in a bad Mel Gibson movie.Copy !req
470. What the hell was I thinking?
He's a freaking backup dancer.Copy !req
471. Dude, I married Britney Spears.Copy !req
472. I'm rich!Copy !req
473. I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich!Copy !req
474. Is the bride-to-be ready?Copy !req
475. Bride-to-be? Shit.Copy !req
476. Not if I can help it.Copy !req
477. I've got 24 hours
to break up this wedding.Copy !req
478. No.Copy !req
479. Yes.Copy !req
480. I'll turn Grant against you
and make him love me again.Copy !req
481. Me, me, me!Copy !req
482. Stay away from me.Copy !req
483. What is it now?Copy !req
484. Grant's got an ex-fiancée.
And she has a thing for him, I just know it.Copy !req
485. And they have this long,
romantic history.Copy !req
486. How can I measure up to that?Copy !req
487. Skimpy Bikini Illustrated
The Swimsuit Issue That Self CombustsCopy !req
488. You can't. She's fine as hell.Copy !req
489. I would tear that shit up!Copy !req
490. You know, everything was going so well
until she turns up.Copy !req
491. Look, he's not with Andy anymore.
He's with you.Copy !req
492. You gotta put aside your insecurities.
It'll all work out.Copy !req
493. - Do you really believe that?
- No. But my white customers do.Copy !req
494. Look, I believe in you and Grant.Copy !req
495. And before you know it,
you'll be walking down the aisle.Copy !req
496. And saying our vows.Copy !req
497. And our first dance.Copy !req
498. Starting the fire. Starting the fire.
Starting the fire.Copy !req
499. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip.Copy !req
500. Throw it away. Throw it away.Copy !req
501. You call that dancing?Copy !req
502. No.Copy !req
503. You see this?
This is where you live, right here.Copy !req
504. This is your home.Copy !req
505. Well, how about this?Copy !req
506. That bitch be krumping!Copy !req
507. It's okay.Copy !req
508. It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.Copy !req
509. Grant and I just have to get through
the rehearsal dinner...Copy !req
510. and then tomorrow's the big day.Copy !req
511. Once we're married,
everything will be perfect.Copy !req
512. Who are you kidding?Copy !req
513. Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough.Copy !req
514. He's meant to be with Andy.Copy !req
515. - Don't say that!
- This is who you really are.Copy !req
516. Worst Foods
MayonnaiseCopy !req
517. You're a frump girl.Copy !req
518. You may look different,
but inside you'll always be me.Copy !req
519. No, please, stop.Copy !req
520. You'll be stuck in that diner
till the end of time.Copy !req
521. I don't believe you.Copy !req
522. True love is a myth.Copy !req
523. You better hurry up and marry Nicky...Copy !req
524. before you end up a fat,
dusty old maid.Copy !req
525. Never!Copy !req
526. You'll see.Copy !req
527. GREEK DINERCopy !req
528. Quiet, everyone. Quiet.Copy !req
529. Roz has a few words to say.Copy !req
530. Oh, thank you, hon.Copy !req
531. I would like to make a toast.Copy !req
532. To Grant and Julia.Copy !req
533. Yeah! What?Copy !req
534. Okay! Get crunk!Copy !req
535. Get crunked!Copy !req
536. You like it?Copy !req
537. You look ravishing.Copy !req
538. What? What's wrong?Copy !req
539. Grant, your whole courtship
has been rocky to say the least.Copy !req
540. I just hope you're not rushing
into this marriage with Julia...Copy !req
541. as a way of getting over me.Copy !req
542. I...Copy !req
543. Oh, dear God.Copy !req
544. A carousel.Copy !req
545. I... I better get back.Copy !req
546. Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.Copy !req
547. We're getting married tomorrow.Copy !req
548. I need to know,
do you still have feelings for Andy?Copy !req
549. Of course not.Copy !req
550. I trust you.Copy !req
551. I just don't want to get hurt.Copy !req
552. You have nothing to worry about.Copy !req
553. I'm devoted to you.Copy !req
554. Forever.Copy !req
555. The moment I saw youCopy !req
556. Before I proposed to youCopy !req
557. We said a little prayer for youCopy !req
558. While combing my hair nowCopy !req
559. You're wondering what's
Under my dress nowCopy !req
560. - We said a little prayer for you
- We said a little prayer for youCopy !req
561. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
562. And he loves youCopy !req
563. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
564. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
565. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
566. For this love storyCopy !req
567. Screw Grant
She must marry NickyCopy !req
568. I really do love you, dearCopy !req
569. But Andy keeps whispering in his earCopy !req
570. We'll say a little prayer for youCopy !req
571. Grant and I will get hitchedCopy !req
572. If we survive my family
And that scheming bitchCopy !req
573. We'll say a little prayer for youCopy !req
574. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
575. And he loves youCopy !req
576. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
577. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
578. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
579. For this love storyCopy !req
580. I have one night to stop this weddingCopy !req
581. My daughter get busyCopy !req
582. - Get busy
- Get busyCopy !req
583. Just back that thing upCopy !req
584. He'll be trueCopy !req
585. Please, love me tooCopy !req
586. Answer his prayersCopy !req
587. Try position 22Copy !req
588. Getting your swerve on, babyCopy !req
589. Answer his prayersCopy !req
590. Forever, forever
He gives you his heartCopy !req
591. And he loves youCopy !req
592. Forever and ever
You'll never break upCopy !req
593. Divorce will cost youCopy !req
594. Together, together
That's how it must beCopy !req
595. For this love storyCopy !req
596. Will the ending be good or crappy?Copy !req
597. No!Copy !req
598. Not a zit on my wedding day.Copy !req
599. No.Copy !req
600. Saint Sophia Community Church
JONES FOCKYERDODER WEDDINGCopy !req
601. Where the hell is Julia?Copy !req
602. SHE'S
LATECopy !req
603. Grant, I wouldn't be your best man
unless I told you this.Copy !req
604. Julia doesn't deserve you.Copy !req
605. Oh, come on.Copy !req
606. She's an hour late for her own wedding.Copy !req
607. Maybe she's got cold feet because
she knows it's not right between you two.Copy !req
608. Do you ever think about us?Copy !req
609. - Yeah.
- Me too.Copy !req
610. My grandmother's ring.Copy !req
611. She gave you this ring on her deathbed
and made you promise...Copy !req
612. to give it to the woman you wanted to
spend the rest of your life with.Copy !req
613. You gave it to me.Copy !req
614. My grandfather's toe ring.Copy !req
615. And didn't he give you this ring
on his deathbed...Copy !req
616. and make you promise to give it
to the woman you'd cherish forever?Copy !req
617. You gave that to me too.Copy !req
618. Julia—Copy !req
619. She's just the rebound girl.Copy !req
620. I'm ready to take you back.
Choose me. Marry me.Copy !req
621. Andy, I just don't feel the same way
about you anymore.Copy !req
622. Julia's the one.Copy !req
623. Then one last kiss.Copy !req
624. Julia, no.Copy !req
625. Julia Please Take me back!Copy !req
626. I FXXXED UP BIG TIMECopy !req
627. I'M A JERKCopy !req
628. A REAL
ASSHOLE...Copy !req
629. Shut up! It's 4 in the morning!Copy !req
630. Asshole!Copy !req
631. Turn that crap off!Copy !req
632. I'm trying to watch
Desperate Housewives.Copy !req
633. It's called an iPod, get one!Copy !req
634. Lonely Woman
DinnerCopy !req
635. Jinxers?Copy !req
636. DINERCopy !req
637. Julia.Copy !req
638. Let's get you out of that funk.Copy !req
639. Julia, will you marry me?Copy !req
640. Please?Copy !req
641. - That was good, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
642. I know Nicky's a little rough
around the edges...Copy !req
643. but give him a chance.Copy !req
644. You know, when your mother and I first
got married we barely knew each other.Copy !req
645. I was a mail-order bride...Copy !req
646. could barely speak
the English language.Copy !req
647. - Dad, you're from Jersey.
- I'm trying to make a point here.Copy !req
648. At first, Linda and I couldn't get along.Copy !req
649. But we grew to understand
and even respect each other.Copy !req
650. I'm proud to say
we've been married for 30 years...Copy !req
651. and I have you and your sister
to show for it.Copy !req
652. Now, maybe that's not
the fairy tale you dream of...Copy !req
653. but that's real life.Copy !req
654. So, what do you say?Copy !req
655. I've been fooling myself all along.Copy !req
656. There is no Prince Charming.Copy !req
657. And true love is something
that only exists in the movies.Copy !req
658. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
659. I'll marry Nicky.Copy !req
660. Back to work.Copy !req
661. JUSTICE OF THE PEACECopy !req
662. You're crying.Copy !req
663. Tears of joy, Dad.Copy !req
664. Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here.Copy !req
665. We are gathered here to join this man...Copy !req
666. and this woman in holy matrimony.Copy !req
667. Marriage is a contract
that should not be taken lightly.Copy !req
668. It must be honored by two people
who are truly in love.Copy !req
669. DA SHIZNITCopy !req
670. If anyone has any reason
why these two should not be married...Copy !req
671. speak now or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
672. - I object.
- Thank God.Copy !req
673. This isn't what you wanted.Copy !req
674. It's what I wanted.Copy !req
675. I was wrong about Grant.
He's a good man.Copy !req
676. He even liked you
when you were butt-ugly.Copy !req
677. - How do you—?
- I saw it in your flashback.Copy !req
678. You and Grant were meant
to be together.Copy !req
679. I don't know.Copy !req
680. You need to read this.Copy !req
681. How to Lose a Girl in 10 DaysCopy !req
682. My darling Julia, I'm sorry.Copy !req
683. So sorry.Copy !req
684. So very, very sorry.Copy !req
685. And yet "sorry" seems to be
the hardest word to say.Copy !req
686. If you can ever forgive me,
and you're ready to make that leap...Copy !req
687. I promise I'll be there to catch you.Copy !req
688. If you still love me the way I love you...Copy !req
689. then meet me where
Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.Copy !req
690. On the Internet?Copy !req
691. No, not in You've Got Mail,
in Sleepless in Seattle.Copy !req
692. Right. The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.Copy !req
693. But how do I get there?Copy !req
694. I'll MapQuest directions
and IM it to your BlackBerry.Copy !req
695. But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.Copy !req
696. You can borrow my Treo 650.Copy !req
697. How about we just meet
where we had our first date?Copy !req
698. A Restaurant?Copy !req
699. But that's way uptown.
Traffic's a nightmare.Copy !req
700. The rooftop of your apartment building?Copy !req
701. Okay, great.Copy !req
702. This issue's six months old.Copy !req
703. I hope he's still waiting.Copy !req
704. He'd be a fool not to wait
for my daughter.Copy !req
705. - Go get him, baby.
- Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
706. Taxi, taxi!Copy !req
707. Taxi!Copy !req
708. GIVE UP HONEY...
SHE AIN'T COMING!Copy !req
709. Let's go, someone!Copy !req
710. Someone, please help!Copy !req
711. Trick, you getting on my nerves.Copy !req
712. I need to get across town fast.Copy !req
713. I owe you.Copy !req
714. Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch.Copy !req
715. Come on. Open up.Copy !req
716. Please.Copy !req
717. Oh, please.Copy !req
718. He's mine!Copy !req
719. Keep your damn hands off my man.Copy !req
720. I'm too late.Copy !req
721. Julia!Copy !req
722. What happens after the prince
rescues the princess?Copy !req
723. She rescues him right back.Copy !req
724. You make me want to be a better man.Copy !req
725. You had me at hello.Copy !req
726. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...Copy !req
727. asking him to love her.Copy !req
728. What? I'm also an ordained minister.Copy !req
729. By the powers vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.Copy !req
730. Show her some love, man.Copy !req
731. Bravo!Copy !req
732. Julia.Copy !req
733. This is for you.Copy !req
734. It's a vaginal thermometer.Copy !req
735. It lets you know when you're ovulating.Copy !req
736. It's been in our family for generations.Copy !req
737. And if you want to keep it
our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.Copy !req
738. - Julia.
- Dad.Copy !req
739. You're gonna have to find
a new waitress.Copy !req
740. It's about time.Copy !req
741. Come here.Copy !req
742. Hey.Copy !req
743. Take care of my daughter.Copy !req
744. All right.Copy !req
745. Goodbye! Best of luck.Copy !req
746. Hey, is it too late
to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding?Copy !req
747. Bye.Copy !req
748. And we lived happily ever after.Copy !req
749. JULIA JONES'S
DiaryCopy !req
750. But not before we went on our honeymoon
to romantic Kong Island.Copy !req
751. Help! Please, help me!Copy !req
752. Help!Copy !req
753. Keep the camera rolling.Copy !req
754. Oh, God.Copy !req
755. Help! Please.Copy !req
756. No. No.Copy !req
757. Carmen Electra.Copy !req
758. Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!Copy !req
759. Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!Copy !req
760. That feels kind of good.Copy !req
761. A little kinky.Copy !req
762. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
763. BIG ASS
DRINKCopy !req
764. I like hairy boys.Copy !req
765. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
766. Yes!Copy !req
767. Yes!Copy !req
768. Beautiful.Copy !req
769. Yes, drink it.Copy !req
770. Tell you, you're gonna love that.Copy !req
771. Is that Cos' hand on your booty?Copy !req
772. Cut it.Copy !req
773. I'm kind of an amateur tennis player...Copy !req
774. and I was playing
and it was a drizzly day...Copy !req
775. and Roz came down and volunteered
to hold my balls and keep them dry.Copy !req
776. - His balls—
- We got rained out anyway.Copy !req
777. His balls are always wet,
whether it's raining or not.Copy !req
778. Hey, is it too late for one more parody?Copy !req
779. It's on the Hudson with
breathtaking views of the skyline.Copy !req
780. Yeah! What?Copy !req
781. Okay!Copy !req
782. Get crunk!Copy !req
783. We say a little prayer for you.Copy !req
784. Infantilism.Copy !req
785. How often do you have sex?Copy !req
786. I don't understand the question.Copy !req
787. I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.Copy !req
788. We're limited to very mild
sexual content.Copy !req
789. Above the waist...Copy !req
790. - ... over the shirts, no tongues.
- No tongue.Copy !req
791. How about this week?Copy !req
792. A hundred and twenty-seven.Copy !req