Dark Ride (2006)

1. Looks like it's closed.

2. Don't be such a wimp.

3. The guy's right there.

4. I told you, Colleen, if you're gonna pull this crap,

5. you could have just stayed at home.

6. Will you just leave me alone, you idiot?

7. Well...

8. Jerk.

9. Come on already.

10. Two tickets, please.

11. Round trip or one way?

12. Go on, get on. It's not gonna bite you.

13. You see? It's all fake, you little baby.

14. Don't you feel stupid now?

15. Ooh-hh...

16. Look at that devil face.

17. You're not looking. Look.

18. Mmm, it's kind of cool.

19. Stop it, jerk!

20. Oh, poor baby. Want me to change your diaper?

21. Whoa, look at that.

22. Imagine if this whole ride shut down right now.

23. We would have to find our way back out on foot.

24. It might take hours.

25. Look at that fire, Colleen.

26. That's awesome!

27. You're not looking.

28. You are such a little girl, Colleen. You know that?

29. I'm gonna start calling you Colleen Crybaby.

30. I knew I should have left you home, Colleen Crybaby.

31. I'm gonna make you get out and walk this ride all by yourself.

32. You know what?

33. Sam!

34. All right, you stupid...

35. ride.

36. Sam!

37. ? She's lying right next to me...?

38. Cathy, am I even gonna need a bathing suit in New Orleans?

39. I don't think so, Liz. Oh, unless you're gonna pull your top down

40. - for "Girls Gone Stupid." - What, like this? Whoo!

41. You know you're going to. You'd love that.

42. Can you tell me again why we're going there

43. and not someplace with palm trees and umbrella drinks?

44. The money that we're going to save

45. by enduring this trip with the boys...

46. And I do mean "endure"...

47. Will more than make up for food, fun

48. and anything else we might need.

49. Think of it as business, not pleasure, Liz.

50. I'm glad you suggested we go to New Orleans.

51. It's retro. You feel me?

52. It's like something our grandparents would have done.

53. Yeah, well, I was hoping the female population down there

54. - skewed younger than that. - When they were our age,

55. - you freak show. - Right.

56. Anyway, spring break's become this market-laden excuse

57. for multinational consumer product companies to pass out samples of shit,

58. like deodorant and condoms.

59. Fuck! "Final Cut," dude. I love this book.

60. What are you doing reading this?

61. You gave it to me for my birthday.

62. - Oh. - Take it out of the bag

63. and put one of these in instead.

64. We're going to spring break, not to the library.

65. - What is this? - It's a condom.

66. And you have to use it when you're not having sex with her.

67. You know about her?

68. You know that Jim's driving us, right?

69. Yeah, I know that.

70. Are you okay with that, after what happened?

71. What happened was I got really drunk

72. and I hooked up with someone I shouldn't have hooked up with.

73. - It happened once, come on. - You do it every weekend.

74. - Once. - Stop, stop.

75. It's like the measles. It's out of my system.

76. - Okay okay. - Drop it.

77. You do know how I get when I get a few drinks in me...

78. I could basically probably hook up with anyone.

79. - The whole school knows how you get. - Shut up.

80. Do you realize that

81. Michael Cimino almost bankrupted United Artists with "Heaven's Gate"?

82. It's just such an abuse of production.

83. Why don't you take it down a notch with the movie mania?

84. We're trying to fit in.

85. What's the deal with you and Steve?

86. I don't know. My whole situation reeks of clich?

87. I mean, all this together, apart, together, apart...

88. I'm fucking dizzy at this point.

89. And then the shit he pulled this semester.

90. - So what did you tell him? - I like the sound of alone.

91. Do you still love him?

92. I don't know.

93. You know, I'm 19 years old. What do I know about love?

94. I highly doubt that quickies in the dorm room

95. and a romantic Saturday evening

96. by a frat keg qualify.

97. I look at it like this... I mean,

98. if I can get through this trip as friends,

99. then that's all she wrote.

100. If I can't keep my hands off him,

101. then, well, we'll see.

102. Oh, so you're taking the scientific approach.

103. - Do you still love her? - Who the hell knows?

104. If we don't fuck during vacation, I'm guessing it's done.

105. If she can't keep her hands off me, we'll see.

106. So you're taking the Tommy Lee approach.

107. You can say that.

108. - Oh, God. - Yeah, it was totally nuts.

109. Hi.

110. Oh, God, there they are. Hey!

111. Wait a minute. Why would you want them to come with us

112. if you don't think you two are still dating?

113. Gas costs?

114. Doesn't the expression "bringing sand to the beach" mean anything to you?

115. I'm not too worried about it.

116. Although I gotta admit it, it's kind of blowing my hitchhiker fantasy.

117. What, you always wanted to blow a hitchhiker?

118. Oh.

119. - Hey. - Hi.

120. Hello.

121. - How are you doing? - Hi.

122. Okay, gang, so we all set to do this or what?

123. Big Daddy's gotta go.

124. Well, when's Big Daddy gonna come home?

125. The road's calling, honey. I gotta go.

126. Bye. See ya.

127. What up, man? How you doing?

128. - Hey. - What's shakin'?

129. Hey.

130. Elizabeth,

131. it's been a long time.

132. Time was the only long thing you ever gave me,

133. Big Daddy. And it's Liz.

134. Ow!

135. You got AAA for this dump?

136. Seriously,

137. you guys, don't talk shit...

138. about my baby. They didn't mean it.

139. The '70s called. They want your baby back.

140. That is so funny. He's creative.

141. He's like the kissing bandit.

142. Bill, thanks for the invite, man.

143. Should be a lot of fun.

144. Yeah, no, I'm just happy to be invited.

145. Boy's gonna get him some tail.

146. My boy's gonna get him some tail.

147. Come on, stop it! Wouldn't hurt a cripple.

148. Hello, "Midnight Cowboy."

149. John Schlesinger, you know?

150. Jon Voigt, Joe Buck.

151. Guys, it's a classic.

152. It's the first and only X-rated film ever to win an Oscar

153. for Best Picture.

154. Who are you people?

155. - Get in. - You've never heard of it?

156. I love the shag.

157. I love the shag.

158. All right, let's hit the road, kids. Everybody buckle up.

159. I guess it's a self-serve.

160. Sure this place is open?

161. Well, all the lights are on, so yes, I do.

162. Maybe the guy's taking a shit.

163. Must be Free Gas Friday.

164. No, come on, guys. Don't screw around.

165. Just go check around in the office.

166. Hello.

167. Hello.

168. Hi. How are you doing?

169. '78, that's a good year.

170. "Deer Hunter" won Best Picture.

171. Guess you didn't happen to catch that one.

172. Yeah, it had this incredible Russian roulette scene.

173. Nicky! Nicky!

174. Know of any good places to eat around here?

175. Okay, have a good night.

176. The old guy in the back, he didn't say a word to me.

177. You guys figure it out. I gotta go to the bathroom.

178. Dude, your boy can't even handle

179. - the gas-station attendant. - He's working on it.

180. Hello.

181. Yo.

182. - Just drop some cash and let's jet. - Dude, all I have are $20s.

183. Not happening.

184. "No matter how much you shake or dance,

185. the last drop ends up on your pants."

186. Poetic but true.

187. It's the vanishing man.

188. - What? - Uh...

189. You think I have another shot with Liz?

190. Okay, where'd this guy go? Hey, excuse me.

191. Who do I have to blow around here to pay

192. for some gas and get out of here?

193. That'll be $16 even. Here's a coupon for your friend out there.

194. He mentioned he'd like to get some grub.

195. Stuckey Ribs is the best in the area.

196. This'll save you $2.50 on every entree.

197. Thank you. That's very helpful of you.

198. Now about that blowjob...

199. Jim tried to give an old guy a blowjob.

200. - No, I didn't, asshole. - What happened?

201. You should have seen the guy in there, man.

202. He was talking to us about coupons, about gas in this town.

203. We got a coupon for a restaurant.

204. - Liz, where's Bill? - I don't know.

205. - I thought he was with you. - Right here, right here.

206. Look at this. Look at what I found in the bathroom.

207. What, another STD?

208. - Another STD? - Another?

209. "Bleedings from Asbury Park,"

210. the Jersey shore's infamous historic attraction.

211. 25 of the most terrifying rooms for your horrific pleasure,

212. the Dark Ride celebrates

213. "its grand reopening April 17."

214. Let me see that, dude. I know about this thing.

215. - I heard about it. - Really?

216. - And that makes you cool how? - Blow me.

217. Very lame.

218. There's things like this at every amusement park.

219. Yeah, and Ferris wheels.

220. Big scary Ferris wheels.

221. Okay, wait. What is a dark ride?

222. It's the horror attraction at amusement parks or boardwalks.

223. Yeah, it's like that "Little Rascals" episode

224. from the '20s on Coney lsland.

225. Didn't catch it.

226. It's basically carts on tracks, slamming through doors.

227. I love those things. They're so scary.

228. No, I read about this place.

229. Something happened in there. This is the real thing.

230. The place had been shut down for 20 years.

231. It's gotta be the first time it's opened since.

232. Well, it must have been quite a something

233. to shut the whole place down for that long.

234. Yoo-hoo!

235. Anybody home?

236. Strictly vegetarian, my ass.

237. Why is this freak always on the floor?

238. I know your face is all fucked up,

239. but you don't gotta hide from us.

240. We're your friends, buddy.

241. What's the matter?

242. You don't fancy the accommodations, sir?

243. Your mattress too soft?

244. No chocolate on the pillows?

245. They've been keeping you on carrots and codeine

246. for a long time now.

247. I know you don't think you're special.

248. Seems to me it's about time for a change.

249. You hear me, freak?

250. I think some good old USDA prime beef

251. might be just what the doctor ordered.

252. A little bit of iron oughta toughen you right up.

253. Let's get out of here. This is a stupid idea.

254. Look at his ears.

255. I think he's deaf.

256. He don't give a shit what you feed him.

257. What? I hear vegetarians get sick if they eat meat.

258. I just wanna see if that's true, is all.

259. I mean, this is a hospital.

260. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of a scientific experiment.

261. He's a zombie.

262. Let's go and mess with the girls. That's more fun.

263. What, you're in a rush now? We got all night.

264. Give me that meat.

265. Oh, yeah.

266. Dinnertime, dickhead.

267. What's the matter? Is it too bloody for you?

268. A little bit too rare?

269. You want me to send it back to the chef

270. so he can cook it up just right for you?

271. - What's the matter? - Yeah.

272. This is a bust.

273. You're wasting a perfectly good piece of meat.

274. What was that?

275. Well, maybe the poor baby's got a cold.

276. He could be allergic. Let's get out of here.

277. You're not allergic, are you? Eat.

278. Eat it! Essen!

279. This is choice stuff.

280. Put some hair on your...

281. Just...

282. Hey, have any of you guys actually ever been to one of these places?

283. I went to something like this when I was a kid down in Orlando.

284. It scared the crap out of me.

285. I had nightmares for two years after that.

286. - You always have nightmares. - Only when I think about your face.

287. You guys are not gonna have that problem on this trip.

288. We pass by the joint three days before it opens.

289. Hey, did someone just say "joint"?

290. That's too bad. Sounds like it could have been fun.

291. Oh, bullshit, Liz. A beggar says "boo," and you get scared straight.

292. You never would have gone in the place. You're only all tough about it now

293. 'cause the option's off the table.

294. It's kiddie shit. Of course I would have gone.

295. I bet cash money you would never even set foot in the place.

296. You're such a fucking cheating asshole, Steve. I'll take that bet.

297. You gotta be the toughest, coolest, bravest person

298. in the fucking room, in every room.

299. - Guys, come on, chill out. - There is one way to settle this.

300. How's that?

301. Anybody feel like saving a little money on a room tonight?

302. No way!

303. Why not way?

304. Come on, let's do it.

305. I mean, we can do whatever we want.

306. Yeah. Yeah, it could be cool.

307. All I ever read about is how doomed our generation is, okay,

308. how we do nothing, and we have it so easy?

309. So let's do something.

310. I'm in.

311. - Try to keep me away. - You're all nuts.

312. Fuck the motel, guys. This sounds really fucking cool.

313. This is something we're gonna be talking about for a long time.

314. I think we should check it out, okay?

315. If it's cool, we'll go in. If not, we'll leave.

316. Okay, sounds like a plan.

317. Look, guys, if we stay in the Dark Ride tonight,

318. we increase our funding supplies for spring break,

319. if you catch my drift.

320. Good God.

321. - Holy shit. - What?

322. Bill, how much longer?

323. - That would depend. - On what?

324. On whether Jim picks up this hitchhiker.

325. - Do not stop this van. - Hey, that was my fantasy.

326. This is almost as good as the old man at the gas station.

327. I'll bet she's either a psycho or a nympho.

328. Well, what is she doing out here all by herself?

329. She's a homeless, psychotic nymphomaniac.

330. Where's she gonna be, Park Avenue?

331. How do we know she is alone? Maybe her boyfriend's waiting

332. behind her 20 feet with a chainsaw.

333. - Maybe her car broke down. - She looks kind of broke down.

334. I don't see a car.

335. You know, guys, I saw this one "Twilight Zone" episode...

336. Shh!

337. I feel obliged to pick up this hot piece of ass.

338. Call it my civic duty.

339. Call it your raging hard-on.

340. Hello. Hi.

341. - Hop in. All right. - Awesome.

342. - Sweet. - Move.

343. All right.

344. - How are you doing? - I'm good. How are you?

345. - I'm Jim. - Jim, Jen.

346. "J" s!

347. That's right - Hi.

348. - Where are you headed? - Where are you from?

349. Jacksonville. Boston.

350. Did your car break down?

351. I don't really believe in owning cars.

352. How ironic. Cathy here doesn't believe in seat belts.

353. I totally believe in seat belts.

354. Safety first.

355. This from a girl who thumbs her way across the country

356. accepting rides from strangers.

357. Bill, can I borrow your phone real quick?

358. Yeah yeah, it's in my bag.

359. I generally feel

360. that people are basically good.

361. However, this one time I was following this Phish tour...

362. Man, I just love those guys...

363. So this guy, anyway,

364. driving this really bitching Beamer stops for me.

365. So, chitchat chitchat.

366. He was a doctor or a banker, I don't know, a mortician or something.

367. So he asks me where I'm going.

368. And don't ask me how it got started,

369. but we get on the subject of music.

370. Now I don't know a lot of things, but in fact,

371. music is the one thing

372. that I am extremely familiar with.

373. I just get it, get it?

374. So this yuppie dickhead

375. starts telling me about music

376. and how back in the day... And I'm like...

377. How ADD kids are nowadays, and I'm like, "Fuck!"

378. You know, "back in the day"?

379. Music transcends time and space.

380. Man, it's like a whole symbiotic relationship

381. between... are you feeling me?

382. It's a like a whole symbiotic relationship

383. between life, death,

384. malls, pets, health and nutrition.

385. So Mr. 2.4 Kids,

386. he tries to kiss me!

387. He actually has his fucking sweaty paws

388. all over me!

389. So what I did was...

390. What I did was, I just leaned over

391. and I smashed down really hard

392. in a really sensitive place.

393. Are you feeling me?

394. My aim was dead on!

395. Ding-dong.

396. I rang the bell and won the kewpie doll, man.

397. I also happened to lose my ride.

398. Took me like four hours to get another one.

399. What was my point?

400. Oh, yeah.

401. You know, I generally have to

402. believe that people are basically good.

403. Does anyone mind that I'm sitting in the front seat?

404. Well, Jen, welcome aboard.

405. Oh, I knew you guys were cool

406. soon as I saw the van.

407. Yeah, she's my sweet baby.

408. You should know we plan to detour.

409. We're gonna spend the night there.

410. Man, I love dark rides.

411. You guys mind if I tag along?

412. Funny, I thought you already had.

413. Don't worry. I'll hold my own weight.

414. Anyone want to go on a real trip?

415. Oh, God...

416. I think I love you.

417. Right back at you.

418. I haven't been here in so long.

419. Where is this place?

420. Asbury Park.

421. Asbury Park. Never been here.

422. Look at what a shit old town this is.

423. Shit old towns are the best.

424. Holy shit.

425. Those fucking mushrooms just kicked in.

426. Yeah? Are you feeling it?

427. Hey, isn't Asbury Park where Springsteen was born?

428. Look at this place.

429. It looks closed.

430. I mean, like, gone-for-the-winter closed.

431. God, it's kind of creepy, huh?

432. God, I live for this shit!

433. Okay, this obviously sucks.

434. If you wanna save money, can we just sleep in the van?

435. Whoa whoa, what the hell's that? Hey, kill the lights, dude.

436. Well, that's that.

437. No no no, he probably makes his rounds about every hour or so.

438. There's plenty of time to get inside.

439. He's a rent-a-cop.

440. I'm surprised he doesn't ride a fucking bicycle.

441. Come on. Let's go around the back.

442. We can figure out a way to get in.

443. Oh, great, we picked up Catwoman.

444. Look, he's leaving.

445. - Let go of me. - Come on now. That's a boy.

446. - Hey, he's going. - Yeah, and so should we.

447. Cathy, could be fun.

448. That's right, Jen. It could also not be fun.

449. - See how that works? - Jesus, Cath, chill out.

450. Fuck chill, Jim.

451. Okay, this is supposed to be for laughs, right?

452. Fine, I'll wait here and call for me when your laughs begin.

453. - Cath, come on. - You know where to find me.

454. I'm fine. Go.

455. Go.

456. Yaa-ow!

457. Have fun with little Miss Too Cool for School.

458. In fact, why don't you just have fun? That's what you're good at.

459. Oh, nice.

460. I'm sorry.

461. Do what you want with that, but...

462. And I really do miss you.

463. Go ahead. The Dark Ride's waiting.

464. Jen, Jen, come here, listen.

465. I have an idea.

466. Oh, man,

467. this place is frickin' huge...

468. Oh my God.

469. God! Jesus!

470. Come on!

471. This place is fucking great.

472. Whoa, shit!

473. What's up?

474. Way to go, bro.

475. Come on. Come in, come in.

476. Nice and dry.

477. How did you get the lights on?

478. Liz, seriously, do you think the only thing I made in shop class were bongs?

479. No, seriously, though, I just put a few wires together

480. - and pushed a few buttons. - Ooh, I like a man who knows

481. what to do with his hands.

482. - I'm shocked. - What's that?

483. I'm soaked.

484. You know, we really should go get Cathy.

485. Cathy knows where we are. If she wants

486. - to join us, she can, right? - Right.

487. I agree. We should check this place out.

488. Let's go. Come on.

489. Cool.

490. Just think, I could have hitched a ride with a stalker.

491. Oh my God.

492. Look at the motion.

493. Oh my God.

494. How cool is that?

495. Yeah yeah yeah.

496. Hey, dude, don't fuck with anything. We don't wanna

497. add destruction of property to the breaking and entering charge.

498. Shh! Steve, Steve, just let it go.

499. Let it go.

500. Had to go and take those 'shrooms, didn't you?

501. Put it down.

502. Steve, Steve, really, it's okay.

503. It's okay. Don't worry about it, shh!

504. What is this?

505. What's wrong, Jim?

506. What did you do to the face, Jim?

507. Nothing.

508. Yeah.

509. All right, moving on.

510. Mmm.

511. Dude, I cannot believe Cathy's missing this shit.

512. This place is fucking cool, right?

513. Jim, light me, please.

514. - Easy easy, Jim. - Easy.

515. What do you think?

516. I have to say,

517. this isn't too bad.

518. Got a little smoke.

519. Got a little...

520. Motherfucker!

521. Can't we unplug these things?

522. - Did you see that? - See what?

523. There's someone...

524. There's someone watching us though that window.

525. You sure, Liz? You're pretty high.

526. Never mind.

527. Yes, and there is definitely no shortage of someones

528. lurking in this fucking place.

529. God, you gotta wonder

530. how all this negative energy

531. affects this place.

532. I mean, it can't be good.

533. You're closer to the truth than you know, Jen-Jen.

534. Do you guys know why they closed down this ride, huh?

535. - It's a local legend. - Yeah, I grew up in Ocean Grove,

536. one town over.

537. Fuckin'-A, man. I didn't know you were from there.

538. - You're from Jersey, brother? - Yeah.

539. Well, you had to have heard of the story, man...

540. about two sisters. Let me see that. Thank you.

541. About two sisters

542. who died right here. Yeah, they were twins.

543. I think it was back in '89.

544. So what happened?

545. They were murdered,

546. disemboweled.

547. At their funerals,

548. it was closed casket.

549. Nobody wanted to view the bodies.

550. It was, I mean,

551. huge out here.

552. It was in all the newspapers.

553. Wow, Jim, then it must be true.

554. What an imbecile.

555. How about we turn the page on this one, guys?

556. Legend goes that there was this man,

557. this hideous, deformed, monsterlike man

558. that wore a mask over his face, killed them.

559. Supposedly, the man had, like, a mental capacity

560. of a five-year-old.

561. He lived right here

562. in this Dark Ride.

563. What, he lived in the ride?

564. Yes, he lived in the ride.

565. See, the guy who operated the ride adopted two kids...

566. two very different kids.

567. There was the younger one who was normal,

568. and there was the older one.

569. He was the one with all the deformities.

570. So he kept him down here

571. locked up

572. in a dark ride.

573. Yeah, I think I heard something like that.

574. But I think it happened in Wisconsin.

575. Really?

576. Well, I heard something similar, but it was this

577. traveling dark ride that moved from state to state

578. to these different carnivals.

579. It was like... Urban legends, right?

580. No no.

581. That's cute, but no, this is not an urban legend.

582. Did they go to jail?

583. See, in the end the taxpayers prevailed.

584. The ride was closed...

585. and the monster expired.

586. - Who's got the weed? - Dude.

587. All right.

588. Yeah, so that's what happened.

589. Well, why didn't you tell us this when we saw the flier?

590. Because I wanted you to come here,

591. and if I would have told you the story, you wouldn't have came.

592. So I didn't.

593. You know, with all the scary shit going on,

594. it was nuts. The kids were dead

595. and the town was crazy.

596. Jim, there's...

597. there's one little problem with your story.

598. What's that, Bill?

599. The same problem most people have

600. is that they just believe whatever they hear

601. without ever questioning it.

602. Newspapers take more liberty with the fact

603. than "E! True Hollywood Story."

604. See, your guys' quote-unquote monster

605. never died.

606. He was shot that day,

607. but he's very much alive.

608. If you ask me, he should have been sent

609. to the electric chair for what he did.

610. Instead, they just set him up in some mental hospital.

611. And how would you know?

612. Dude, you're fucking with us. He's fucking with us.

613. I wish I was.

614. Those two teenagers...

615. You know, the ones that were last killed...

616. those were my cousins.

617. - Your cousins. - Bullshit.

618. Oh my God. Are you serious?

619. That's how I know that Jonah's still alive.

620. Why does it always have to be Jonah or Jason

621. or Jedidiah?

622. I mean, why can't it be Bob or Gus

623. or even Chris?

624. No no. Give him a break.

625. Let him finish.

626. Or Ernie. It could be Ernie.

627. Well, Elizabeth,

628. Ernie is not his name.

629. It's Jonah.

630. And he's not a monster.

631. God, we do love our monsters in this country.

632. But a murderer killed my two cousins, not a monster.

633. The police psychologist

634. said the sick bastard was actually playing

635. with his victims. Can you believe that?

636. He was reenacting the sets from within the ride.

637. So he mimicked

638. whatever he saw in this place?

639. Yeah.

640. Jonah see, Jonah do.

641. That is heavy, dude.

642. I am so sorry.

643. Well, that was more interesting than movie trivia.

644. I shouldn't have brung it up. I'm sorry.

645. No, Jim, it's not your fault it happened.

646. Besides, these are the kinds of stories

647. you tell in places like this, right,

648. to try and scare the hell out of everyone?

649. The only difference is, usually you're making it up.

650. This one's real.

651. Cue the thunder and lightning.

652. Ooh!

653. That's cool. Look at this.

654. Steve.

655. A fucking light.

656. Grab a lantern from the set over there

657. so we can see what the hell's going on in here.

658. Come on.

659. - It won't reach. - Oh, shit.

660. Hey, grab that mirror.

661. Bounce this off it.

662. I don't see anything. No no no, bounce it up.

663. Okay, wait. I think it's over there.

664. There's nothing in here.

665. Wait wait wait. What was that?

666. - What the...? No! Oh! - Oh my God!

667. Cathy! Cathy!

668. Help! Help! Help!

669. Got you. I'm so sorry.

670. I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.

671. You looked like such a dork.

672. Oh, my God. That was so good.

673. Oh, man, you should have seen the look on your face.

674. First, you're all like, "Oh!"

675. And then you did, like, this great...

676. It was fucking killer.

677. Aw, you still really care.

678. After what you said back there in the van, I was gonna...

679. No, fuck you, Cathy.

680. And stay fucked for a while.

681. Well, I wouldn't call three minutes

682. including foreplay "a while," would you?

683. What the hell happened here?

684. What?

685. - It's awesome. - You were in on this?

686. Did you plan this whole thing?

687. - You were in on this. - Yeah.

688. And, you know, when we picked up Jen,

689. I kinda figured she'd be better to get you in the room than me.

690. So I just pulled her aside and asked her to help.

691. Guilty.

692. Do you guys honestly think I would have stayed

693. in the van by myself? No, I faked.

694. - So you planned this trip? - Yeah.

695. - Were you fucking in on this? - I had nothing to do with it.

696. Calm down. It was just me and Bill. Oh my God.

697. And coming to the Dark Ride was all part

698. of your little prank?

699. You know, I was just kinda dying

700. to check it out.

701. But seriously,

702. my parents never let me go to my cousins' funeral.

703. I never even went to their gravesite. I've never even been here.

704. So, I don't know, in some sick, twisted way

705. it's kind of like closure to me.

706. But the flier...

707. I had that with me. That would have shown up anywhere we were.

708. It would have showed up wherever we were.

709. Jesus, Bill, that's pretty freakin' extreme

710. just to go for a laugh.

711. That rocked. That was great!

712. I'm so proud of you.

713. Well, your friend Steve here left me in a rather extreme position

714. a few months back when I walked into his room

715. and found his dick inside Sarah D'Amato.

716. - This is about that? - You fucked Sarah D'Amato?

717. Yes, it is about that, Steve.

718. I know you don't think it's a big deal, but it was to me.

719. Steve, you had sex with Sarah D'Amato?

720. Yeah, and she's not a fucking psycho. This isn't funny.

721. Playing dead isn't funny.

722. - Lt was funny. - That was harsh.

723. Hey, you know what they say...

724. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

725. Oh, come on, Stevie. Kiss my neck.

726. You know how much I like that.

727. - Jeez. - And you, you little piece of shit...

728. - Stop it! - No, you stop it.

729. - Lay off him! - You don't get to say anything now.

730. You, you want some trivia?

731. How many friends do you have now? Anyone? Anyone?

732. Well, now you've got none.

733. Lay off him. Stop.

734. I should have left you beating off in the fucking dorm room.

735. Bad joke.

736. Well, unless you have an encore planned...

737. ls there anyone else you need to exact revenge on?

738. I'm done.

739. Dude, I would totally beat your ass

740. if you did that to me.

741. But you didn't, and it was great.

742. I didn't know you had it in you.

743. Look at you coming out of your shell.

744. Now that you're done, can we please leave?

745. This place creeps me out.

746. You wanna make out or...?

747. - Okay. - Lt never works.

748. Scared the shit out of your cheating ex-boyfriend.

749. - That was priceless. - Lt was good.

750. That was so awesome.

751. I have a feeling by next weekend

752. you're gonna need a new roommate.

753. Probably.

754. That's weird.

755. The door is locked.

756. Well, open it.

757. Well, I would, Elizabeth, but the door's kind of locked

758. - from the outside. - Come on, Jim, open the door.

759. I bet it was Steve.

760. Or Ernie the Slasher.

761. - Steve, please. - Just relax, everyone.

762. Please, come on. Steve, this isn't funny.

763. She's apologizing, Steve. Come on, man, open the door.

764. No, seriously, guys, though,

765. I did a pretty shitty job down there on the wires.

766. I'm not surprised that they didn't hold up.

767. I'll just go back down there and fix 'em. I'll be right back.

768. - You all stay right here. - Actually, you know what?

769. I was thinking about wandering aimlessly in the dark.

770. It's what I do for fun.

771. Jesus Christ, Jen, you almost gave me a fucking heart attack.

772. Your heart rate's not exactly what I wanted to get a rise out of.

773. These 'shrooms are really fucking kicking in.

774. Yeah, I know.

775. Well, they were on for a minute.

776. Maybe he's working on it.

777. I bet that little slut is working on him.

778. Holy shit. I didn't even realize she wasn't with us.

779. Hey, did you see Steve, following me down here?

780. Because I wanna grab him and get the hell out of here.

781. Oh, really?

782. - Oh my God. - Oh, God.

783. Don't you feel good?

784. We don't exactly have to leave right now.

785. It's kind of awkward timing. You know what I mean?

786. My timing is what makes this interesting.

787. What about the others?

788. Couldn't find their way down here with a road map.

789. But I heard them screaming and shit.

790. Yeah, I think we should let the children play

791. their children games.

792. Besides, we have some adult games to get to.

793. Oh, God, I love you.

794. Excuse me...

795. just one moment.

796. - What are you gonna do? - Just a little...

797. Just a little mood lighting,

798. a little mood music.

799. Sorry I don't have cigarettes.

800. Oh, God.

801. Thank you.

802. Fucking Steve, I hate him.

803. I'm so done with him. I bet he's screwing with the lights.

804. - What goes around comes around, right? - Screw you, Liz.

805. Sorry.

806. I can't see a thing. I don't like this, you guys.

807. Hey, Liz, watch out for the tracks. Don't sprain your ankle.

808. Look, I don't know what you guys are thinking,

809. but if we're gonna get out of here,

810. we've gotta find our way downstairs.

811. - Ln the dark? - Yeah.

812. We could use the concert method.

813. What's the concert method?

814. You have a lighter, right?

815. - Yeah. - Okay, well, let's go.

816. This is better.

817. Thanks.

818. St-Steve?

819. They keep screaming. Something's wrong.

820. Oh, God, I love this song.

821. They're just joking. They're just joking.

822. - Okay. - They're just messing around.

823. Oh, thank you.

824. I think we have to go, and we have to go now.

825. We've gotta get help. Where did Bill go?

826. Jim! Jim!

827. What's going on?

828. Oh, Jen, you cannot leave me hanging like this.

829. It's unhealthy.

830. Jen, you're killing me.

831. Please. Thank you.

832. ? I think I'm going out of my head?

833. ? I think I'm going out of my head?

834. ? I think I'm going out of my head...?

835. Oh, what did I do to deserve this?

836. Oh, God, I'm almost there.

837. Oh, God.

838. Come here. Give me a kiss.

839. What the fuck? Oh my God!

840. What the fuck?

841. Holy shit.

842. Come back. What the fuck are you doing?

843. Don't fucking leave me.

844. Oh, God!

845. Help me! Somebody let me out of here!

846. Please.

847. Somebody help me!

848. Oh, God. Oh, God!

849. Oh, God.

850. - What? - Shh shh shh!

851. - What? - Do you hear that?

852. - Cathy. - It's okay.

853. All right, listen to me. Shh, it's okay.

854. Shh, I lost it back there. I did.

855. Listen to me, all right? I lost it back there.

856. I did. But I'm back now.

857. We have to find a way out of here.

858. There has to be another exit,

859. or fire-code, something.

860. This is a fucking amusement park ride

861. for God's sakes. There's fucking rules.

862. Shh shh shh.

863. - I'm too tired. - We're almost out. Come on.

864. - No no no no. Where are you going? - This is my fault.

865. Don't you get it? I'm the reason we're here.

866. I brought us here.

867. I have to go find the others!

868. - Go get help! - Go get help...

869. Cathy!

870. Cath.

871. Cath!

872. That might be her!

873. Where are you?

874. Yeah, this is Reggie.

875. I'm at the northeast side of the boardwalk,

876. requesting backup.

877. Henry, Lou.

878. - That means you guys. - What's the problem, Reggie?

879. I got a report that there was some noises coming from the Dark Ride.

880. I'm gonna go check it out.

881. Sounds good to me. How can I help you?

882. Well, by definition of the term "backup,"

883. I'm asking you to back me up.

884. - Reinforcements are on the way. - 10-4.

885. Anybody in here?

886. This is security.

887. Anybody in this building?

888. Oh my God!

889. Is anybody in this building?

890. Hello!

891. Oh my God, please...

892. Hello! Anybody here?

893. God damn, girl, what the hell are you doing in here?

894. All right, look,

895. everything's gonna be okay. Just calm down.

896. Come with me. We'll call your parents, all right?

897. Just relax.

898. What are you pointing at?

899. I told you, miss,

900. everything's gonna be just fine.

901. If you relax...

902. You'd better get over there before Reggie splits.

903. You got it.

904. Wait, please.

905. Come on. Work, please.

906. No!

907. Oh my God!

908. Come on, you fucking phone!

909. Jim!

910. Oh my God.

911. No! No!

912. Cathy?

913. Cathy. Cathy.

914. Cathy, wake up.

915. Cath. Oh, shit.

916. - Jim. - Bill.

917. Bill.

918. Dude, you're...

919. You're alive, man.

920. Are you okay?

921. Dude, I'm about as far from okay as okay gets, man.

922. I'm freaking out of my skull.

923. You need to get us the fuck out of here, Bill.

924. Shh, it's over now.

925. I know. It's okay. It's over now.

926. Is he dead?

927. Are you kidding me? I don't know if it's a he, a she

928. or an it, man. I don't care.

929. We need to grab Cathy and we need to get out of here.

930. Is she okay?

931. I mean, she has a pulse, dude.

932. I don't know.

933. Bill...

934. what are you doing here, man?

935. I could have sworn I saw you guys take off.

936. How did you get away?

937. Are you kidding me, Jim?

938. I know this place like the back of my hand.

939. Jim...

940. How many friends do you have now, Steve?

941. Revenge, huh?

942. Don't call it revenge.

943. Think of it as...

944. time-released justice.

945. Fuck you, assholes.

946. Well, Jim,

947. turns out that Norman Bates was wrong.

948. Seems a boy's best friend isn't his mother.

949. It's his older brother.

950. Each murder he committed was like a little present.

951. He wasn't just playing.

952. He was playing for me.

953. Some monsters are harder

954. to recognize than others, Jim.

955. Thanks for your help, Cathy.