Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts (2011)

1. cheers and applause]

2. - THANK YOU...

3. SAN FRANCISCO.

4. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.

5. THANK YOU...

6. FOR CLAPPING FOR WHAT MY PARENTS

7. ARE ASHAMED OF.

8. OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

9. YES.

10. OH...

11. MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY TO DO COMEDY IN.

12. HUH? THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

13. TOP TEN.

14. CONGRATULATIONS.

15. AW, MORE BUTTFUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT

16. THAN IN ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD.

17. THAT'S YOU GUYS. THAT'S YOU.

18. PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.

19. "SAN FRANCISCO:

20. "MORE BUTTFUCKING PER SQUARE FOOT.

21. MISS YOU."

22. ALL RIGHT.

23. NOW, IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME PERFORM BEFORE,

24. I AM NOT GOOD LIVE.

25. HEADS UP.

26. IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT, I APOLOGIZE.

27. THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

28. I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

29. I CROSS MY OWN FROM TIME TO TIME.

30. IT'S HOW I KNOW I STILL HAVE ONE.

31. ALL RIGHT.

32. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

33. IN THIS COUNTRY EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

34. THAT THEY DON'T SERVE ON JURY DUTY.

35. THAT'S HORSE SHIT.

36. IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

37. THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY ON JURY DUTY.

38. YEAH.

39. THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

40. IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

41. YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

42. THAT JOKE IS CALLED "LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

43. THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

44. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

45. SOMETIMES BEFORE I WALK ON STAGE,

46. MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY, "HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

47. BREAK A LEG."

48. THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

49. RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED ON STAGE.

50. SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT GETTING SHOT

51. WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

52. I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

53. SHE FOUGHT IT WITH, "YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

54. UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

55. I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

56. AS IF A SNIPER WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

57. LIKE...

58. "I CAN'T KEEP UP. HE LIVES."

59. YOU EVER SCRATCH YOUR GIRL FROM THE HANGNAIL

60. AND PRETEND THAT YOU'RE WOLVERINE?

61. SHE'S LIKE, "KNOCK IT OFF," AND I'M LIKE,

62. "YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS."

63. THEN YOU RUN INTO THE WOODS, YOU'RE NAKED,

64. YOU GOT TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.

65. WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? WHY ARE YOU WEARING DOG TAGS?

66. DID I SERVE?

67. LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

68. TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

69. I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

70. AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

71. SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

72. THAT'S JUST LESS TIME I HAVE TO SPEND

73. WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS PRETENDING

74. THAT I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

75. YEAH.

76. SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GET READY,

77. COME DOWN AND BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

78. YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

79. AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT? YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

80. RIGHT? YEAH.

81. NOW SHE'S CRYING. WHATEVER.

82. I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

83. YEAH. YEAH.

84. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

85. SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

86. SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY FROM BEING REPLACED.

87. I CAN SAY THAT. I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

88. YEAH.

89. THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD

90. HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

91. NOW IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER,

92. YOU KNOW I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

93. AM I USING THAT WEBSITE PROPERLY?

94. SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SIT ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

95. "WE'RE LISTENING."

96. IT'S NICE, RIGHT? YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

97. YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

98. I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

99. YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

100. THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE, "OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

101. "HE IS A GENIUS.

102. "NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

103. "I'VE BEEN SITTING ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

104. "YOU'RE TELLING ME I COULD TURN AROUND,

105. "HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL, YEAH?

106. "SET THE ALARM TEN MINUTES LATER.

107. MULTITASK."

108. ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EAT WHILE ON THE TOILET.

109. "BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

110. TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS WITH WHOLE MILK."

111. THAT'S MORE OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

112. BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

113. SOMEBODY EMAILED ME AND THEY'RE LIKE,

114. "HEY, DIPSHIT—"

115. WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE

116. IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO READ YOUR EMAILS.

117. OH, LET'S SEE WHAT THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.

118. YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

119. THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR PANTS

120. COMPLETELY OFF TO SIT ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"

121. TOUCHE.

122. ALL RIGHT, SO I DON'T RESEARCH.

123. IT'S A PRE-SHOWER SHIT, AGREED?

124. CAN WE MOVE ON, STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?

125. YOU EVER HAVE A POST-SHOWER SHIT?

126. OH, MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK TO BED

127. AND START YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.

128. THINGS ARE WRONG.

129. THAT'S NOT THE ORDER OF EVENTS.

130. THERE'S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.

131. THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL. MOM!

132. WIPE ME!

133. I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING MY BALL HAIR.

134. COME ON, LADIES. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

135. IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR, YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.

136. SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE SEE MY BALLS,

137. IT'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

138. "THAT LOOKS REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

139. ISN'T THAT DAMAGING TO THE HAIR?"

140. AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

141. I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM WOULD KNOCK IT OFF

142. WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.

143. I CAN'T KEEP UP.

144. MY BALLS STILL HAVE THE '06 POSH.

145. REMEMBER THAT LITTLE TRENDY LITTLE CUT?

146. POSH SPICE?

147. LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.

148. OKAY?

149. AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM

150. HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?

151. I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,

152. BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S

153. OUT OF THEIR PRIME.

154. CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?

155. OH.

156. IF THERE'S A MAN IN HERE THAT'S JUNK

157. DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BIT AT THE THOUGHT

158. OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER—

159. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

160. YOUR HOMOPHOBIC SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

161. AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART, YOU MONKEY, OKAY?

162. YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THAT YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM

163. WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.

164. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THEY HAD A CHILD?

165. WAS THAT SIMBA?

166. WHAT THE FUCK?

167. WAS THAT SIMBA?

168. THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

169. THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

170. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

171. PICTURE BABY JESUS WITH BETTER ABS.

172. THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

173. IF THEY HAD A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

174. THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

175. JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS, PROPPED UP.

176. HE CAN'T STAND YET. JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

177. BIG POSTER, BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

178. JUST STANDING IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

179. AND YOU'D WALK IN AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

180. "I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

181. BUT I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY."

182. OH, MAN! DO I WANT TO FUCK THAT BABY!

183. IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

184. TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE TO FUCK THAT BABY

185. AND ONE WOULD BE FOR MORE WISHES.

186. "WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

187. THEN I WANT TO FUCK THE BABY A THIRD TIME.

188. I WOULD LIKE TO USE ALL THREE WISHES

189. BANGING THAT BABY.

190. GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE, BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

191. THAT DOESN'T HAVE A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

192. OH, I'D LOVE TO READ YOUR EMAIL.

193. "I FELT YOU WENT OVER THE LINE A BIT

194. "WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY WANTED TO FORNICATE

195. WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."

196. HEADS UP, MORMONS, THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.

197. NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS FROM THE HEAVENS,

198. GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN YOUR SPAM FILE.

199. LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ON A RELIGION

200. THAT'S OLD ENOUGH FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,

201. "OH, YEAH. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

202. "UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

203. "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS

204. "UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.

205. I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM TO BE COMFY."

206. THE MORMON CHURCH SPENT $20 MILLION

207. LAST YEAR IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA

208. MAKING SURE QUEERS DIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED.

209. SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.

210. SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERAL AS WE ALL THOUGHT.

211. AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON

212. THAT'S SO TERRIFIED OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.

213. JUST BECAUSE THE STATE SAYS IT'S LEGAL,

214. IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNA LET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.

215. OKAY?

216. SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND EVERY NIGHT

217. KNOWING THAT GOAL LINE DEFENSE

218. IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES JUST GOING,

219. "YEAH.

220. YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN HERE, FAGGOTS!"

221. SO I WAS WALKING INTO WHOLE FOODS RECENTLY.

222. I DON'T GROCERY SHOP THERE, IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

223. BUT I LOVE THE SMELL OF LAVENDER,

224. SO IT'S WHERE I GET MY LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

225. NORMALLY, WHEN YOU WALK INTO A WHOLE FOODS,

226. THERE'S SOMEBODY OUTSIDE WITH A CLIPBOARD LIKE,

227. "HEY, YOU WANT TO HELP PANDAS KEEP GETTING BONERS?"

228. YEAH, OKAY.

229. ON THIS DAY, IT WAS LIKE, "HEY, YOU WANT TO HELP

230. OVERTURN PROP EIGHT?"

231. AND I'M LIKE, "EH."

232. I JUST WANTED TO SHOP. I DIDN'T—

233. EH.

234. BUT I NOTICED THERE WAS A REALLY OLD LADY

235. WALKING IN BEHIND ME, AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

236. SHE WAS ASKED AS WELL.

237. LIKE, THAT I WASN'T PROFILED.

238. "THIS GUY'S QUEER. HE'LL HELP."

239. AND SURE ENOUGH, SHE ASKED,

240. "MA'AM, DO YOU WANT TO HELP OVERTURN PROP EIGHT?"

241. AND SHE'S LIKE, "OHH."

242. I'M LIKE, "EXPLAIN IT TO HER."

243. "IT'S TO MAKE GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL

244. IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA."

245. SHE'S LIKE, "OH."

246. AND I COULD JUST SEE 80 OR 90 YEARS

247. OF SEXIST, RACIST SHIT THAT SHE'S HAD TO PUT UP WITH

248. GO ROUND AND ROUND.

249. I'M PRAYING SHE FALLS OVER DEAD.

250. LIKE, "OH, CARPET MUNCHERS! NO!"

251. NONE OF WHICH HAPPENED.

252. SHE SIGNED IT. I'M AN ASSHOLE.

253. DO YOU REMEMBER THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?

254. IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,

255. UH, AND, UH, SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,

256. "MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID WHEN I GET OLDER

257. I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS IF I WANT TO."

258. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

259. WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"

260. AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA IS LIKE,

261. "WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO OUR KIDS?

262. SORRY, QUEERS. NOPE."

263. YEAH.

264. THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.

265. SO I WANNA HIRE THE SAME LITTLE GIRL

266. TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME IN THE STATE OF UTAH,

267. AND I WANT HER TO COME RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,

268. "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

269. HOW COME YOU'RE NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"

270. YEAH.

271. BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH, AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.

272. "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY—"

273. SHE'S CALLING OUT TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.

274. AND THEY START COMING OUT OF THE CABINETS

275. IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS

276. TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.

277. COMPARED TO WHO, THE AMISH?

278. AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

279. ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?

280. ARE THEY NOT A CONSTANT REMINDER

281. OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE

282. WITHOUT ALL THIS GREAT TECHNOLOGY?

283. EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK AND CONSERVE

284. ON NATURAL RESOURCES, I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH

285. AND I'M LIKE, "HO, HO, FUCK THAT.

286. FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP."

287. NO, NO.

288. I'M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND IN A BUGGY.

289. IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE A FOUR-CYLINDER.

290. BUT I WOULD LIKE A FIRELESS FIREPLACE.

291. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH.

292. APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP WITH THE WICCANS

293. BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL.

294. YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET

295. WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.

296. APPARENTLY, BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.

297. DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT

298. AT THIS POINT?

299. THE AMISH, THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE

300. THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.

301. THERE'S NO FIRE, BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.

302. I ASSUME THERE'S A HAMSTER IN THERE

303. LOSING HIS MIND.

304. IT'S NO SNUGGIE, BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.

305. YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.

306. HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU. I ENJOY IT.

307. YEAH. HUH.

308. I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.

309. FINALLY, A BLANKET THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,

310. I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."

311. IT'S LIKE HAVING A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO

312. KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.

313. THE PERFECT PRESSURE.

314. WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIFT

315. IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED, WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE.

316. WHEN IN FACT, I KNOW IT COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES

317. AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.

318. THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.

319. WHERE THE HELL IS THE REST OF MY GIFT?

320. YEAH.

321. YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

322. AND RIPPING 3/4 OF YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.

323. NOT BIG BEN. YEAH.

324. BEN SHOULDN'T BE IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

325. BEN ROETHLISBERGER IS TIM TEBOW MINUS JESUS.

326. SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS, UH, BRETT FAVRE—

327. I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.

328. ARE YOU KIDDING?

329. FIRST OF ALL, YOU WANT ME TO FIX THE ECONOMY?

330. BECAUSE I CAN. IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

331. HERE'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

332. YOU GOTTA BE PREPARED TO WORK REALLY HARD

333. YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND EVENTUALLY DIE.

334. AND IT'S THE LADDER THAT'S THE BIGGEST PROBLEM.

335. NO ONE DIES. PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER.

336. PEOPLE GET TO RETIRE AT 65.

337. THAT WAS AN AGE THAT WAS SET

338. WHEN PEOPLE DIE AT 66, 661/2.

339. PEOPLE LIVE FOREVER NOW

340. AND OUR ECONOMY CAN'T AFFORD THAT.

341. 'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD MY GRANDPARENTS ARE,

342. BUT I KNOW THAT THEY SHOULD BE DEAD.

343. AND TRUST ME, THEY DON'T WANNA BE ALIVE EITHER.

344. THERE'S NOT A WELCOME MAT

345. AT THEIR FRONT UNIT IN NAPLES, FLORIDA.

346. THERE'S A "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" NAILED TO THEIR DOOR.

347. I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP. YEAH.

348. IF YOU KNOCK ON MY GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE

349. AND YOU SEE ONE OF THEM LYING ON THE FLOOR,

350. THE ONLY THING LEGALLY YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO

351. IS A FINISHING MOVE.

352. HADOUKEN.

353. THAT WOULD BE MINE.

354. BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.

355. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

356. HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR TO PLAY A GAME.

357. "YEAH, I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."

358. "HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."

359. "YOU SAID $12 MILLION, RIGHT?

360. YEAH, THEY CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES."

361. I WOULD NEVER QUIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

362. WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?

363. HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A STARTER,

364. BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP IN THE NFL.

365. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.

366. "UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THAT."

367. HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?

368. NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.

369. BUT HE COULD BE ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

370. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $850,000.

371. "UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THAT AS WELL.

372. I'LL PLAY FOREVER."

373. IT'D MAKE THE GAME MORE ENJOYABLE

374. IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO RETIRE.

375. ATHLETES DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.

376. SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD RETURN A PUNT,

377. LIKE, "OH..."

378. HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,

379. HE DIES ON THE FIELD WITH SOME HONOR.

380. YEAH.

381. AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.

382. IT DOES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

383. OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.

384. BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY FROM BEING SOCCER.

385. YEAH.

386. AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER, WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.

387. SEE, OUR COUNTRY ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT

388. SO WATCHING PEOPLE CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS

389. TO END ZERO-ZERO IS NOT ENJOYABLE

390. UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE

391. AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

392. OR YOU'RE WATCHING THAT GIRL

393. FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO.

394. SHE SEEMS PRETTY COMPETITIVE.

395. YOU REMEMBER HER?

396. SHE WAS YANKING PEOPLE DOWN BY THE HAIR,

397. KICKING CHICKS IN THE PUSSY, UH...

398. I CAN ONLY ASSUME HER FATHER

399. HAD A BUNCH OF GAMBLING DEBT

400. AND EVERYTHING WAS RIDING ON THAT GAME.

401. AND SHE'S OUT THERE, "I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU, PA."

402. OR SHE REALLY HATES MORMONS. ONE OR THE OTHER.

403. PRETTY SURE THEY WERE PLAYING BYU.

404. OH...

405. BASEBALL.

406. NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.

407. LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.

408. DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.

409. FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,

410. A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS HAVE JUICED UP

411. SO THE PLAYING FIELD IS PLENTY EVEN.

412. WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME.

413. SURE.

414. AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.

415. GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE

416. WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?

417. EXCUSE ME?

418. WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?

419. WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT?

420. OH.

421. I'D LOVE TO KNOW HOW MANY HOMERS

422. THE BABE WOULD HAVE HIT

423. HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM 92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.

424. YEAH.

425. MAYBE THE FAT BOY WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN

426. AND QUIT POINTING HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM

427. 90 MILES TO THROW HIM A JUNK BALL.

428. DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.

429. 90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,

430. JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,

431. AND A JUNK BALL'S AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH

432. TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEPT FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,

433. WHICH IS A JOKE.

434. THE POINT...

435. IS THE RECORD BOOKS MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT

436. HAD OUR COUNTRY NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.

437. THAT'S ALL.

438. AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,

439. YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO SHIT ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

440. WHY NOT? SCREW THEM.

441. THEY WERE A BUNCH OF RACIST FUCKING PIGS

442. WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.

443. I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE

444. SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,

445. THEY SHOT EACH OTHER A GLANCE.

446. "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

447. "YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

448. NOW GET ME SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY."

449. OH...

450. AT LEAST WE'RE NOT WOMEN. RIGHT, FELLAS?

451. OH, JEEZ.

452. WHAT IS THAT LIKE? IS IT HORRIBLE?

453. IS IT AWFUL... TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?

454. BY THE WAY, THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.

455. IT'S MY OBSERVATIONS ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

456. IF IT CHANGES,

457. I'LL ADJUST THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.

458. COOL.

459. I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY TO RATIONALIZE IT.

460. "NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.

461. FREE DRINKS IS WORTH NOT HAVING EQUALITY."

462. LISTEN, YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY

463. TO BE NUMBER TWO.

464. BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA, IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?

465. MEN ARE HERE, WOMEN ARE HERE.

466. SOME COUNTRIES, IT'S LIKE THIS

467. AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

468. HO-HO.

469. THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY TO BE A WOMAN IN.

470. DON'T GET LOST IN A HIKE THERE.

471. YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT A HEAD

472. AND THERE'S NO WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT.

473. I DO THINK WE CAN BE A LITTLE LESS PC

474. WHEN IT COMES TO SPORTS, THOUGH.

475. JUST ONCE I WANNA HEAR AN ANNOUNCER GO,

476. "GOD, BLACK PEOPLE ARE FAST.

477. "HOLY COW, ALL OF THEM, THEY'RE FAST.

478. BACK TO YOU, BOB."

479. WHY DON'T WE SAY THAT? WE'RE ALL THE SAME SPECIES.

480. GOT IT.

481. IF I'M ON A HORSE TRACK

482. AND I SEE 'EM CRAMMING A CLYDESDALE IN GATE THREE,

483. UH, I'M NOT GONNA PUT MY MONEY ON IT.

484. GONNA BET ON THE THOROUGHBRED.

485. PREFERABLY ONE FROM JAMAICA.

486. THEY'VE GOT WHEELS.

487. I DON'T LIKE STUART SCOTT ON SPORTSCENTER.

488. UH, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS,

489. HE'S A BLACK GENTLEMAN THAT GRADUATED FROM U.N.C.

490. WITH ALMOST PERFECT GRADES,

491. UH, YET FEELS THE NEED TO TALK HIP-HOP

492. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL.

493. WHILE HE'S CALLING PLAYS, HE'LL BE LIKE,

494. "BOO-YAH."

495. EASY, STUART.

496. FIRST OF ALL,

497. I HAVE MORE STREET CRED THAN YOU.

498. SECOND OF ALL, I HAVE HD TELEVISION

499. AND YOU HAVE ONE EYE.

500. YEAH.

501. IT'S GROSSING ME OUT.

502. IT'S 8:00 IN THE MORNING, I'M EATING EGGOS.

503. I DON'T WANNA SEE CYCLOPS

504. STRUGGLING WITH A TELEPROMPTER.

505. "BOO-YAH."

506. TAKE THAT TO THE UK

507. WHERE THEY EMBRACE UGLY PEOPLE ON TELEVISION,

508. NOT HERE IN AMERICA, YOU CIRCUS FREAK.

509. YEAH.

510. NEXT TIME YOU WANNA CATCH PASSES ON THE SIDELINE,

511. USE YOUR HANDS.

512. DON'T LET IT COME TO THE BODY.

513. YOU LEARN THAT IN POP WARNER.

514. I'M AWARE THAT I COULD END THE JOKE AT THE GOOD PART.

515. I CHOOSE NOT TO.

516. GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL,

517. AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL AT ALL.

518. A BUNCH OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS,

519. PARENTS THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,

520. AND I'M BELITTLING THE ENTIRE THING.

521. AND THE ADMINISTRATION GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

522. THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH, WE DIDN'T KNOW

523. YOU WEREN'T GONNA TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

524. TO WHICH I REPLIED, "REALLY?

525. "YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?

526. HIGH SCHOOL, HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

527. NO.

528. I REFUSE TO GIVE THAT GENERIC SPEECH.

529. "AS I LOOK OUT HERE,

530. I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS AND DOCTORS."

531. I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH. "THERE'S FELONS HERE.

532. SOME OF YOU WILL DIE IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."

533. OH, I'M SORRY.

534. EXPLAIN TO ME WHY A DOSE OF REALITY

535. BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE IS A BAD THING.

536. BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED TO PANDER TO THE 1%.

537. THEY DON'T NEED MY LITTLE PEP RALLY.

538. THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

539. NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF SHIT THEIR ENTIRE LIFE

540. AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND

541. BECAUSE OF THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

542. EXCUSE ME?

543. NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.

544. "SO YOU'RE SAYING I CAN BE ANYTHING?

545. "OH, YEAH, THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN

546. "WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

547. I LIKE THIS GUY."

548. DON'T YOU LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,

549. "I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."

550. YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.

551. OH, YOU STRUGGLE WITH THAT PART

552. WHERE WE FIND OUT WHAT YOU KNOW?

553. OH.

554. NO, NO, I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

555. SEE, BECAUSE I'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER

556. MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL BRUSHSTROKES.

557. OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE IS CRYSTAL UP HERE,

558. BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS, I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.

559. I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'S A PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE

560. THIS EVENING.

561. I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK IS IN THE A.M.

562. PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRACT BY NOON.

563. HANG IN THERE, IT GETS WORSE.

564. YOU EVER HEAR THIS EXPRESSION?

565. "THE WORST DAY OF FISHING IS BETTER THAN

566. THE BEST DAY AT WORK."

567. UH, I'LL CALL B.S.

568. I'VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCH ON DISCOVERY.

569. I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN AT WORK,

570. CAPSIZED INTO 40-DEGREE WATER,

571. WATCHED ALL MY COWORKERS DIE

572. AND BE LIKE, "HEY,

573. AT LEAST WE'RE FUCKIN' FISHIN'."

574. HUH?

575. AM I RIGHT, CRIMINALS?

576. I MEAN, CREW?

577. YEAH.

578. YOUR VALEDICTORIAN'S NOT ON THAT SHIP.

579. UNLESS, OF COURSE,

580. HE JUST MURDERED HIS WIFE IN CANCUN.

581. UH, THEN MAYBE, THEN MAYBE.

582. I DON'T KNOW.

583. DID CHRIS BROWN BEAT RIHANNA?

584. OR DID RIHANNA GET TOO CLOSE WHILE CHRIS WAS DANCING?

585. I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T THERE.

586. WHAT I DO KNOW FROM WATCHING CHRIS' MUSIC VIDEOS

587. OVER AND OVER IS THIS GUY LOVES TO JUMP UP

588. AND DO A ROUNDHOUSE KICK FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL.

589. MAYBE HE WAS JUST STOMPING THE YARD

590. AND ACCIDENTALLY CAUGHT SOME OF THAT

591. HORRIBLE HAIRDO.

592. "THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

593. IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.

594. I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE

595. IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRY OF OURS?

596. "THERE'S NO EXCUSE."

597. WHAT IF YOU COME HOME FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK

598. AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNED TWO OF YOUR KIDS?

599. SHE'S ABOUT TO DUNK THE THIRD ONE.

600. CAN YOU RUN OVER AND POP HER THEN?

601. "UNFORTUNATELY, NO. THERE'S NO EXCUSE.

602. GONNA HAVE TO LET HER DROWN THAT THIRD ONE."

603. WHAT IF YOU ASK HER TO DVR THE GAME

604. BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORD THE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS

605. JUST IN CASE IT GOES INTO OVERTIME?

606. THE POINT IS THERE'S A GRAY AREA.

607. YEAH.

608. AND I'M PRETTY SURE MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE

609. ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO.

610. I ASKED HER TO RECORD THE GAME ON ESPN,

611. WHICH SHE DID, BUT NOT ESPN HD.

612. AND THEN SHE SAYS,

613. "WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL GET TO WATCH IT."

614. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

615. NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEY SO I CAN WATCH TV

616. LIKE POOR PEOPLE.

617. I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD

618. FOR CHEATING ON YOU THIS WEEKEND.

619. WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE.

620. IF I'M ASHAMED, IT DOESN'T COUNT.

621. YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOUR TO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT.

622. THAT'S MY MANTRA. YEAH.

623. I'LL COME HOME FROM A ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE,

624. "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

625. SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU MUST HAVE

626. BEEN WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND."

627. I DON'T CHEAT ON HER. IT'S A JOKE.

628. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.

629. I...

630. HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP, BUT I'M FAITHFUL.

631. THAT'S THE RULE.

632. YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK,

633. YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL.

634. UH, TIGER WOODS, JESSE JAMES,

635. THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVE THAT SIMPLE RULE.

636. THEY'RE NOT. NOBODY IS.

637. AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE—

638. MY GIRLFRIEND'LL BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS,

639. LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNA HOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?"

640. OH, OH, WHOA.

641. IT'S NOT YOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY.

642. IT'S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK.

643. DO YOU SEE HOW THE SCALE SHIFTS

644. IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AT THAT POINT?

645. IT'S LIKE, SHE'S A MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR.

646. BUT THERE'S ALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES...

647. THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL HER.

648. SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

649. CANNOT BELIEVE JESSE JAMES CHEATED ON SANDRA BULLOCK.

650. WHO COULD HAVE EVER GUESSED

651. THAT JESSE JAMES...

652. WOULD NOT TAKE VOWS TO THE LORD SERIOUSLY?

653. I MEAN, WHOA...

654. DID THAT COME OUT OF NOWHERE.

655. SURE, WIFE NUMBER TWO

656. USED TO RECEIVE BUKKAKE FOR MONEY.

657. BUT THIS GUY SEEMS LIKE

658. HE WAS A REAL STRAIGHT SHOOTER.

659. AND THE WOMEN—THE WOMEN THAT HE HOOKED UP WITH

660. ARE COVERED IN TATTOOS.

661. OH, IT'S SO REPULSIVE.

662. I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACT SHOCKED BECAUSE

663. SOMEBODY HAS TATTOOS ALL OVER THEM.

664. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

665. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE AT 90?"

666. NOBODY THAT'S COVERED IN TATTOOS

667. WILL EVER LIVE TO SEE 90.

668. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN STRUGGLING WITH LIFE'S PROBLEMS.

669. I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHO I SHOULD TALK TO?

670. THAT WISE OLD MAN THAT HAS A SNAKE

671. COILED AROUND HIS NECK.

672. IF EVER THERE WAS A MAN

673. THAT WAS BATTING 1,000 IN LIFE,

674. IT'S THE GUY THAT HAS A SPIDER

675. PERMANENTLY ON HIS FUCKING FACE.

676. I HATE TATTOOS.

677. THAT BEING SAID, I HAVE A FEW.

678. EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,

679. I GET A SMALL DASH ON MY INNER THIGH

680. WHERE MY BALLS CURRENTLY HANG.

681. YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT'S NOT GONNA BE

682. A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ART WHEN IT'S FINISHED.

683. MY GRANDKIDS ARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,

684. THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

685. THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS?"

686. I'M LIKE, "IT'S YOUR FUTURE.

687. READ THE CHART."

688. THEY DON'T STOP GROWING. THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.

689. THAT JOKE WAS INSPIRED BY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED

690. WHEN I WAS 11.

691. I DID LOVE THE MOVIE THE BLIND SIDE.

692. MAN, THAT WAS INSPIRING.

693. SO MUCH SO THAT NOW WHENEVER I'M DRIVING MY CAR

694. AND I SEE A BLACK PERSON WALKING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

695. I PULL UP RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN—

696. KEEP IT LOCKED, I'M NOT SILLY—

697. CHECK THEIR 40 TIME.

698. IF IT'S UNDER 4:30, I'M LIKE, "GET IN THE CAR."

699. LIKE, "I'M NOT HOMELESS."

700. "GET IN THE CAR! I'M YOUR NEW FATHER."

701. WASN'T THAT THE MESSAGE TO THE MOVIE...

702. THAT KIDNAPPING CAN BE PROFITABLE?

703. HOW ABOUT THOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?

704. THEY WERE EXCITING, WEREN'T THEY?

705. FINALLY, WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT

706. WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWN A HILL FASTER.

707. NOT GEORGIA.

708. OOH.

709. OH, I'M SORRY.

710. BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU, HERE IN SAN FRAN?

711. TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY, DON'T YOU?

712. IF I KNOW SAN FRANCISCO LIKE I THINK I DO,

713. IT'S THAT YOU LOVE SOURDOUGH AND LUGE.

714. THE WINTER OLYMPICS ARE POINTLESS.

715. I'LL SAY THAT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

716. I ASSUME THE ONLY REASON WE HAVE THEM

717. IS SO WHITE PEOPLE FEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS.

718. BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT, THE ONLY THING

719. THE WINTER OLYMPICS SHOW ME IS

720. WHICH COUNTRY HAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?

721. WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?

722. $900 A DAY?

723. "OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR

724. IN THE INNER CITIES."

725. HMM.

726. "HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAY BASKETBALL TODAY?"

727. "NO, MAN, I'M GOING TO BRECKENRIDGE."

728. "OH.

729. "LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.

730. LATRELL'S GOING TO BRECKENRIDGE."

731. I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES, FOR THAT MATTER.

732. I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTS TO BE REWARDED

733. FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS

734. TO FORFEIT THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

735. PERFECTING A SPORT NO ONE CARES ABOUT

736. FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHS AT A TIME,

737. THEN FOR ONE MONTH I'VE GOT TO ACT AS IF

738. THE VAULT AFFECTS MY PATRIOTISM.

739. IT DOESN'T.

740. I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMP AND RIB CAGE IT.

741. YEAH.

742. DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.

743. ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,

744. ASK YOUR MOM WHY YOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",

745. AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYS HAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.

746. I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET, MARY LOU.

747. THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

748. AND HOW BAD IS THAT MEDAL CEREMONY?

749. UGH. IT'S HORRIBLE.

750. I HATE OUR FUCKIN' ANTHEM.

751. THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

752. DO ANY OF YOU HAVE IT ON YOUR IPOD?

753. "WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

754. "OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

755. "I LOVE IT.

756. IT JUST REALLY GETS ME JAZZED UP."

757. I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.

758. IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS, OH, HO-HO,

759. IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

760. BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'S GONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG.

761. JUST SO BRONZE AND SILVER GO,

762. "WHAT THE FUCK? HOW LONG IS THIS?"

763. IT'S LIKE, "KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.

764. "YOU'RE BEING VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

765. THERE'S A NINE-MINUTE GUITAR SOLO COMING."

766. "WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"

767. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING

768. THAT MICHAEL PHELPS FELL FROM THE GRACES

769. FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA

770. OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TO A SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

771. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

772. SWIMMING?

773. YOU MEAN THAT THING YOU INSTINCTIVELY DO

774. BEFORE YOU DIE?

775. "YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST, IT'S...

776. PRETTY HEROIC."

777. THE FIRST THING MICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE

778. WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OUT

779. WAS CALL KOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST.

780. BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSED OF RAPE.

781. AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COURT

782. FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,

783. WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

784. AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.

785. COULDN'T BE PROUDER.

786. YEAH, I JUST HOPE WHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS

787. RUN AROUND IN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,

788. THEY HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE LIKE,

789. "OH, COME ON. NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.

790. "24 JUST HAS A GREAT WORK ETHIC.

791. AND AN UNBLOCKABLE TURNAROUND."

792. MICHAEL PHELPS.

793. HE WON 13 GOLD MEDALS IN BEIJING,

794. WHICH I'M TOLD IS A LOT.

795. WAIT TILL HE COMPETES IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS

796. BECAUSE HE WILL CLEAN UP.

797. AND YEAH, HE'LL GET IN. HE HAS AN UNDERBITE.

798. THAT'S A SIGN OF DOWN'S.

799. HOW IS THAT GUY SHATTERING WORLD RECORDS

800. WITH THAT MOUTH FILLING WITH WATER

801. ON EVERY STROKE?

802. KNOCK IT OFF WITH SHAVING YOUR BALLS.

803. AN ORTHODONTIST COULD GET THREE SECONDS

804. OFF YOUR BEST TIME.

805. AND I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES TO YOUR "SPORT,"

806. BUT I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR EARS CAN'T PADDLE.

807. AND THEN WHAT DID WE DO?

808. WE AWARDED HIM 50 MOST BEAUTIFUL.

809. I CAN ONLY ASSUME WE WERE DOING A NECK DOWN ISSUE.

810. LET ME GUESS. FERGIE WAS ON THE COVER?

811. UGH. 'CAUSE SHE'S FUGLY.

812. HO-HO.

813. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HER? NO ONE HAS.

814. CAMERAS HOLD ON HER ABOUT THAT LONG

815. BEFORE RECORD SALES DIP.

816. I MEAN, SHE CAN'T SING AND SHE'S UGLY?

817. THANKS FOR RUINING THE BLACK EYED PEAS.

818. SOME OF YOU STILL LIKE THEM?

819. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE 2000-AND-LATE.

820. I'VE GOT A FEELING.

821. KANGAROOS CAN'T HOP BACKWARDS.

822. IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

823. I DON'T CARE HOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT.

824. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.

825. YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIA NINE YEARS FROM NOW.

826. YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKED BY A KANGAROO,

827. AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL, "GET BEHIND HIM.

828. "WAIT, HOW DID I KNOW TO SAY THAT?

829. "HOW DID I KNOW TO SAY THAT?

830. "AM I A WIZARD?

831. "HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN A WIZARD?

832. WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T I HAVE A DEMON?"

833. I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.

834. I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.

835. I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS. THEY'D BE SILLY.

836. LIKE, BABIES AREN'T DISHWASHER-SAFE.

837. PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

838. "WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?

839. "WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEP ONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,

840. "THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THING OVER THERE.

841. THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."

842. I PREFER THE TEAS.

843. THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF JOHNNY DEPP

844. BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSE AT NIGHT.

845. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.

846. I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.

847. "HOLD ON, GUYS, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

848. "I HAVE TO PUT ON ANOTHER BRACELET.

849. "I ONLY HAVE SIX ON. I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.

850. "NOW I KNOW YOU'RE IN A HURRY,

851. "BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE MY BELT IS ASKEW

852. "AND MY HANDKERCHIEF IS JUST SO,

853. BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50 AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."

854. COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.

855. AND MY VOTE IS 48.

856. THE TV SHOW INTERVENTION

857. IS LIKE PUNK'D FOR JUNKIES.

858. I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.

859. I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.

860. I DON'T NEED TO SEE ALTERNATE ENDINGS.

861. THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT. THEY'RE JUST LONGER,

862. A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,

863. AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERAL PUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.

864. IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME ALTERNATE ENDINGS,

865. YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.

866. LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKS WITH MY NEPHEW.

867. YEAH. WE WATCHED THE ALTERNATE ENDING

868. WHERE THEY LOSE THE HOCKEY GAME,

869. AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM,

870. AND THEY START DOING BLOW AND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.

871. EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.

872. YOU'RE LIKE, "HOLY COW. WHOA.

873. "DID YOU SEE THE ALTERNATE ENDING?

874. "NO, NO, NO, THEY WENT IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

875. "I THINK DISNEY WAS SMART WITH THE ORIGINAL.

876. THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS A LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."

877. THAT'S DISNEY.

878. ALWAYS SNEAKING IN SUBLIMINAL STUFF ON OUR MOVIES.

879. DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENIS ON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?

880. YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIEL FOR SIX MONTHS

881. AND NOT PUT A DICK SOMEWHERE.

882. GOD, I LOVE THAT FISH HALF.

883. LIBERAL.

884. YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY CLOSE TO YOU DIE

885. AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THE LAST THING I SAID TO THEM WAS

886. I HOPE YOU GET DICK CANCER."?

887. RIGHT, THAT'S AN AWFUL LAST THING TO HAVE SAID.

888. THAT'S WHY I DON'T SAY IT ANYMORE.

889. IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

890. I DON'T SEE MY MOTHER VERY OFTEN,

891. BUT WHEN I DO, OOH, I MAKE SURE

892. I END EVERY CONVERSATION WITH SOMETHING SO PROFOUND

893. JUST ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT SHE DOES KICK THE BUCKET,

894. I CAN STILL HAVE A RELATIVELY DECENT WEEKEND.

895. RIGHT, BUT IT'S HARD.

896. 'CAUSE SHE WILL RAMBLE ON THE PHONE FOREVER

897. ABOUT NOTHING.

898. "DANIEL, I JUST FINISHED A 500-PIECE PUZZLE,

899. AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS, I DID THE CORNERS LAST."

900. "I WILL BELIEVE IT, AND I GOT TO GO.

901. "BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

902. THAT YOU'RE A ROSE IN A FIELD OF DAISIES."

903. AND SHE'S LIKE, "I WANT YOU TO KNOW

904. THAT YOU CAN COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ANY DAY NOW."

905. "EASY, WHORE."

906. I DON'T SAY THAT.

907. THEN MY BROTHER WOULD GET EVERYTHING.

908. A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLED IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY.

909. WHICH IS SAD, BUT IT HAPPENS.

910. NOT USUALLY IN WHITE NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.

911. I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHART THAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.

912. SMALL SLIVER. SAFER.

913. SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREET

914. WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEEN COMPLAINING FOR YEARS

915. THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST,

916. SO REACTIVE IN NATURE AS EVERYONE IS,

917. AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,

918. THEY HAD A BUNCH OF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.

919. AND I THOUGHT, WOW, WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY

920. TO REMEMBER EVERY TIME THEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD.

921. BA-BOOM.

922. "NATALIE!

923. "YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

924. "BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOING A NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.

925. "NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.

926. "EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE, SHE MAKES US FIGHT.

927. GOOD RIDDANCE."

928. YEAH, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

929. IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS MADE-UP STORY,

930. YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.

931. NOW, AT THE END, YOU REALIZE

932. THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTS TO BEGIN WITH.

933. WE'VE ALL GROWN.

934. LET'S MOVE ON TO SOME NONFICTION.

935. DO YOU REMEMBER

936. WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLED AT SIX FLAGS,

937. HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF BY THE ROLLER COASTER?

938. OH, MAN, THE FIRST THING THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

939. WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"

940. HERE GOES.

941. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE STORY,

942. HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.

943. HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

944. HIS HAT BLEW OFF.

945. AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,

946. HE'S LIKE, "I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."

947. AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCE WITH SIGNS ON IT

948. THAT PROBABLY SAID, "HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."

949. AND HE'S LIKE, "WHAT?

950. "HAVE YOU SEEN ME IN THAT HAT?

951. NOT TODAY, FENCE."

952. AND HE WENT OVER IT.

953. AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCE WITH MORE SIGNS.

954. LIKE, "COME ON. KNOCK IT OFF."

955. HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."

956. AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.

957. AND ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE STORY ENDS.

958. DID HE GET THE HAT? I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.

959. RIGHT? A SMALL SILVER LINING.

960. LIKE, "I TOLD YOU I'D GET IT."

961. AND THEN WHACK, RIGHT THEN.

962. AND I KNOW HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,

963. AND THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION,

964. BUT THAT KID WAS GETTING PICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.

965. YEAH.

966. AND IF I WERE A FAMILY MEMBER,

967. I'D SAY 15 YEARS WAS A PRETTY GOOD RUN.

968. BUT THEN AGAIN, I'M HALF FULL.

969. THE REAL STORY, WHICH NOBODY TALKS ABOUT UNTIL NOW,

970. IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED.

971. IT WAS A SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER.

972. A YOUNG LADY, 25 YEARS OLD,

973. HER LEG IS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM.

974. SHATTERED HER LEG IN OVER EIGHT PLACES.

975. SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIES

976. AND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR.

977. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORN A CAST OR NOT,

978. BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER WILL COME UP TO YOU

979. AND BE LIKE, "HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?"

980. SHE GETS TO BE LIKE, "I FUCKING PUNTED A GUY'S HEAD

981. 90 YARDS. YEAH.

982. TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI."

983. OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCE THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING.

984. PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME I HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.

985. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? I ASSUME IT'S RELATIVE.

986. WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO? CARROT TOP?

987. THEN, YEAH, I'M A LITTLE BLUE.

988. TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS, I'M TAME.

989. MY SISTER'S OFF THE CHARTS.

990. I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES ON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH.

991. I GOT HER SO GOOD A FEW WEEKS AGO.

992. I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAY WITH SILLY STRING.

993. ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT, SHE GOT RAPED,

994. AND SHE CALLED ME THE NEXT DAY,

995. GOING, "YOU SON OF A BITCH.

996. "YOU GOT ME SO GOOD.

997. "NO, NO, NO, NO, AS SOON

998. "AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIM IN THE FACE.

999. "I'M LIKE, 'DANIEL.

1000. THIS IS GONNA REALLY HURT.'"

1001. HOT POCKET.

1002. THAT'S HOW THAT JOKE ENDS.

1003. I HAD ANOTHER COMIC FRIEND OF MINE FINISH IT.

1004. I HATE RAIN.

1005. I UNDERSTAND THE NECESSITY FOR IT.

1006. BUT WHEN I WALK OUTSIDE, I PREFER IT TO BE SUNNY.

1007. THAT'S WHY I LOVE CALIFORNIA SO MUCH.

1008. OH, AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I WEAR A 35 INSEAM

1009. WHEN I'M CLEARLY A 34.

1010. BUT I'VE ALWAYS LIKED MY PANTS LONG IN THE BACK.

1011. I LIKE 'EM TO HIT THE GROUND, NATURALLY FRAY OVER TIME,

1012. BUT WHEN IT RAINS, OH.

1013. AM I RIGHT? THE FRAY GETS WET,

1014. THEN THE PANT LEG GOES UP MUCH HIGHER

1015. THAN ANYTHING I EVER STEPPED IN.

1016. I JUST LOOK DOWN. I'M LIKE, AAGH!

1017. IS THIS WHAT THE PEOPLE IN NEW ORLEANS WENT THROUGH?

1018. BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.

1019. HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THAT BAD,

1020. MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HELPED.

1021. NEXT TIME. 'TRINA 2, I'M YOUR SAVIOR.

1022. DO THEY NAME STORMS LIKE SEQUELS IN MOVIES?

1023. BECAUSE THEY SHOULD.

1024. 'TRINA 2: GOD'S STILL CRYING.

1025. YOU WANT HELP, DON'T INVEST IN PROPERTY VALUE

1026. THAT'S BELOW SEA LEVEL.

1027. YOU'RE WELCOME.

1028. LEARNED THAT ONE ON PROPERTY VIRGINS.

1029. THANKS, SANDRA.

1030. IS THERE AN UPSIDE TO WILDFIRES HERE IN CALIFORNIA?

1031. YEAH.

1032. HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WALK OUTSIDE AND YOU'RE LIKE...

1033. WHO'S HAVING A BARBECUE?

1034. "I'M SO HUNGRY.

1035. "OH, THAT'S JUST MY NEIGHBOR LOSING THEIR MEMORIES.

1036. "BUT I STILL WANT BARBECUE.

1037. "WHAT TWO SIDES WOULD I GET? I THINK COLESLAW, BAKED BEANS.

1038. "NO, NO, MAC AND CHEESE, MAC AND CHEESE.

1039. AAGH! I WANT THREE SIDES."

1040. PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME I'M A BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL.

1041. WHAT?

1042. I'M CONSERVATIVE ON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.

1043. I HATE THE POOR.

1044. I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.

1045. "WE NEED HELP." YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.

1046. AND SOME OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A CHARITY,

1047. BUT I DID THAT FOR TAX PURPOSES.

1048. IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH IT,

1049. IT'S CALLED FEBREZING THE HOMELESS.

1050. NO. IT'S NOT WHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.

1051. WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND, AND I FEBREZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

1052. IS THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS?

1053. WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.

1054. IT'S NICE. WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?

1055. THE GUY THAT SMELLS LIKE LIQUID GARBAGE

1056. OR OCEAN BREEZE?

1057. IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

1058. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN ON NUMBER TWO.

1059. MAKE IT RAIN.

1060. THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY, FOR CONTINUING

1061. TO KEEP WOMEN IN THEIR PLACE.

1062. HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.

1063. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHEN YOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.

1064. I CAME UP WITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.

1065. I CAN MAKE IT HAIL.

1066. YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOU THROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.

1067. "OW!

1068. ARE THOSE NICKELS?"

1069. "YEAH. IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.

1070. I'M A BALLER ON A BUDGET, BITCH."

1071. YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT?

1072. KEEP AN OPEN HAND. THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.

1073. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.

1074. JUST IN CASE ANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGHT

1075. AND DECIDES TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR—

1076. "I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.

1077. YOUR HONOR, THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."

1078. DEATH PENALTY, I GO CONSERVATIVE. KILL 'EM.

1079. I DON'T CARE.

1080. THE ARGUMENT AGAINST IS SILLY.

1081. OH, WHAT IF YOU PUT TO DEATH AN INNOCENT MAN?

1082. TO THAT, I SAY GOOD.

1083. IT'S WORKED OUT IN THE PAST.

1084. AM I RIGHT, CHRISTIANS? JOHN 3:16.

1085. THAT'S NOT AN "OHH." THAT'S THE STORY.

1086. AN INNOCENT MAN TOOK THE BULLET SO WE COULD LIVE HORRIBLE LIVES,

1087. APOLOGIZE AT THE END, AND GET IN FOR FREE.

1088. I READ THE CLIFF NOTES. YOU CAN MOAN ALL YOU WANT.

1089. THAT IS SPOT-ON ACCURATE.

1090. SOME ISSUES, I GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.

1091. I HEART ABORTION.

1092. FINE.

1093. WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT, URBAN OUTFITTERS?

1094. I'LL BUY ONE.

1095. LARGE, PRESHRUNK, COTTON-POLY BLEND,

1096. OVERPRICED, BUT VERY SOFT.

1097. JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."

1098. NOT A REGULAR HEART, AN UNBORN FETUS HEART

1099. THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.

1100. LOOK AT IT.

1101. WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEM TO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,

1102. SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE

1103. THAT'S MAKING THE TOUGHEST DECISION

1104. OF HER LIFE, BUT I EMBRACE IT

1105. AND I'M THE A-HOLE? GOT IT.

1106. WHAT'S THE BACK OF THE SHIRT SAY?

1107. "PROBLEM SOLVED."

1108. SAYS, "GO BACK TO BEING SELFISH.

1109. "YOUR LIFE'S NOT OVER JUST YET.

1110. "DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ALL THOSE FAILED DREAMS

1111. AND CRAM 'EM DOWN SOMEBODY ELSE'S THROAT."

1112. BACK OF THE SHIRT'S LONG.

1113. PEOPLE MAY BUMP INTO YOU,

1114. LIKE, "SORRY, I WAS JUST READING THAT HORRIBLE SHIRT.

1115. WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?"

1116. "SARAH PALIN'S HOUSE."

1117. THE OCTOMOM, KATE PLUS EIGHT,

1118. ANYBODY THAT'S HAD A LITTER OF CHILDREN,

1119. I HOPE THE COURTS TAKE THEM

1120. AND THEY STAPLE YOUR VAGINA CLOSED.

1121. SERIOUSLY. HOLY COW.

1122. WHAT'S HER NAME HAD SIX CHILDREN,

1123. THEN SHE HAD EIGHT MORE,

1124. WHICH EQUALS, I'M NOT ASIAN,

1125. BUT I KNOW IT'S A BIG NUMBER.

1126. DO I HIT? DO I STAY?

1127. DOES IT MATTER WHAT THE DEALER HAS?

1128. WE THINK SHE HAD EIGHT.

1129. WHO KNOWS IF THEY FINISHED VACUUMING OUT HER VAGINA?

1130. I CAN ONLY ASSUME HER LABOR INVOLVED

1131. ONE OF THOSE GOLF BALL RETRIEVER RAKES

1132. THAT YOU BLINDLY THROW INTO THE DIRTY POND

1133. AND SKIM THE FLOOR, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

1134. "LOOK, AN ORANGE ONE. WOMEN CAN'T DRIVE."

1135. AND THESE LADIES ARE SINGLE.

1136. FELLAS, BE CAREFUL WHO YOU'RE PUMPING DRINKS INTO

1137. AT A BAR.

1138. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE TALKING OUT YOUR ASS,

1139. "OH, I'D LOVE TO HAVE A FAMILY SOME DAY."

1140. SHE'S LIKE, "REALLY? LOOK OUTSIDE.

1141. "YOU SEE THOSE FOUR MINIVANS IDLING?

1142. "THEY'RE ALL MINE.

1143. THEY'RE FILLED WITH OUR DREAMS."

1144. THEY WANT MONEY?

1145. YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD SPONSOR THOSE WOMEN?

1146. eHARMONY.

1147. BECAUSE IF THEY CAN PAIR 'EM,

1148. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD SITE.

1149. "YEAH, ACCORDING TO YOUR PROFILE,

1150. "YOU WOULD BE A PERFECT MATCH FOR A RABBIT.

1151. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET EASTER?

1152. "OR BUGS? OR THUMPER?

1153. "OR TRIX? OR VELVETEEN?

1154. "OR ROGER? OR PLAYBOY?

1155. "OR VW?

1156. "OR EMINEM FROM 8 MILE?

1157. SMALL VIBRATOR? ENERGIZER?"

1158. I DON'T—I'M OUT. THAT'S ALL THE RABBITS I GOT.

1159. THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE THE SHOW. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

1160. OH.

1161. YOU EVER ASK YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER,

1162. "WHO DO YOU LOVE MORE, MOM?"

1163. SHE WAS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU GUYS THE SAME."

1164. YOU WALK AWAY OKAY WITH IT.

1165. YOU'VE HEARD OF A TIE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE.

1166. WHAT IS THE OCTOMOM GONNA DO?

1167. THERE'S NO WAY A 14-WAY TIE IS BELIEVABLE.

1168. SHE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE HONEST.

1169. "WHO DO I LOVE MORE? LET'S SEE.

1170. "FOUR OF YOU ARE RETARDED, SO YOU'RE OUT.

1171. NOW LET'S FOCUS ON KIDS THAT HAVE EYELIDS."

1172. IS THIS THE JOKE THAT'S TOO FAR?

1173. JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE.

1174. EVERYBODY WAS FINE WITH MY SISTER GETTING RAPED, RIGHT?

1175. OKAY.

1176. BUT THIS ONE...

1177. SPEAKING OF AWFUL PARENTS,

1178. JOE JACKSON DESERVES A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.

1179. HOLY COW.

1180. I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACTED SHOCKED THAT MICHAEL DIED.

1181. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

1182. MICHAEL WAS ON BORROWED TIME

1183. AS SOON AS HE SWITCHED RACES.

1184. DON'T ACT SO SAD OVER HIS DEATH.

1185. ARE YOU KIDDING? THERE'S A REASON—

1186. THERE'S A REASON HIS REUNION TOUR WAS IN LONDON.

1187. NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS TO WATCH A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN

1188. SCOOT BACKWARDS.

1189. BUT, OH, THAT PARENTING DEBATE, TO SPANK YOUR KID

1190. OR NOT TO SPANK YOUR KID, 'CAUSE JOE SHOWS YOU,

1191. YEAH, YOU CAN, IN FACT, BEAT YOUR CHILD TO GREATNESS.

1192. OH, BUT THE THIN RED LINE YOU TOE.

1193. 'CAUSE YOU WANT TO HIM ENOUGH THAT HE HAS THE CREATIVE ANGST

1194. TO ONE DAY GIVE YOU THE THRILLER ALBUM

1195. BUT NOT SO MUCH THAT HE FUCKS CHILDREN.

1196. YEAH.

1197. I'M NOT READY FOR KIDS.

1198. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I COULD MAKE THAT DISTINCTION.

1199. WAS THAT TOO HARD?

1200. HOW COME WHEN PEOPLE SAY WORST-CASE SCENARIO,

1201. IT'S CLEARLY NOT?

1202. LIKE, YOU COULD ALWAYS ADD,

1203. "AND THEN A ROLLER COASTER CUT MY HEAD OFF."

1204. I HAVE A NEW TV SHOW COMING OUT

1205. THAT I'M REALLY HYPED ABOUT.

1206. IT'S CALLED THE VAGINA WHISPERER,

1207. COPRODUCED BY CESAR MILLAN.

1208. IT'S FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE HAVING TROUBLE IN THE BEDROOM.

1209. I COME OVER, I WATCH YOU AND YOUR PARTNER MAKE LOVE,

1210. I MAKE SURE THE VAGINA IS IN A CALM, SUBMISSIVE STATE

1211. BY CONSTANTLY GOING, "CHH. CHH. CHH. CHH.

1212. "CHH. CHH. I HAVE A MEXICAN MOTHER AS WELL.

1213. CHH."

1214. THEN I ASK YOU TO STEP ASIDE. I SHOW YOU HOW I WOULD DO IT.

1215. THEN THE LAST 58 MINUTES OR SO IS ME APOLOGIZING,

1216. TRYING TO TELL YOU THIS NEVER HAPPENS,

1217. AND RECOMMENDING THAT WE PUT THIS VAGINA DOWN.

1218. I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE TO BRING HOME TO MY PACK.

1219. I WAS MAKING LOVE TO THIS GIRL RECENTLY,

1220. LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.

1221. THERE'S NO BOUNCER IN MY BEDROOM.

1222. YOU'RE IN.

1223. SHE SAYS TO ME DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

1224. "HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"

1225. I'M LIKE, "HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

1226. I DIDN'T SAY THAT. WE NEED TIME MACHINES.

1227. WHAT I SAID WAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.

1228. I SAID, "OH.

1229. IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UP DOG SHIT WITH A BAG."

1230. WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINK NOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.

1231. LIKE, YOU KNOW THERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,

1232. BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.

1233. BARACK OBAMA WENT WITH A PORTUGUESE WATER DOG.

1234. WHAT?

1235. WHAT A MISTAKE.

1236. I WAS HOPING SO BAD THAT HE WOULD ADOPT

1237. ONE OF MICHAEL VICK'S DOGS.

1238. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

1239. HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?

1240. OUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT TO WALK OUT

1241. ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN WITH A PIT BULL.

1242. JUST TAKE A GANGSTER KNEE

1243. AND PRAY THE MEDIA DOESN'T WRITE SOMETHING RACIST, LIKE,

1244. OH...

1245. "SLEEP TIGHT, AMERICA. DMX HAS GOT OUR BACK."

1246. BARACK OBAMA DOESN'T INSPIRE ME.

1247. GEORGE W. INSPIRED ME, BECAUSE I COULD LOOK

1248. AT HIM AND BE LIKE, "OH, I COULD DO THAT."

1249. BARACK SET THE BAR A LITTLE OUT OF REACH.

1250. YOU WANT ME TO HELP IN THE COMMUNITY?

1251. THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

1252. WHEN DO WE GET TO BE SELFISH AGAIN?

1253. THAT'S THE COUNTRY I WAS BORN INTO.

1254. SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGHT AND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,

1255. I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EM AND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE

1256. AT A DOG SHOW.

1257. AND I JUST GO, "MM.

1258. "THIRD, SECOND, FIRST.

1259. IN THAT ORDER!"

1260. THEY LOVE IT.

1261. THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.

1262. THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME GETTING READY.

1263. THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THAT WOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGHT

1264. WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.

1265. HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"

1266. "OH, SOME GUY AT THE BAR THOUGHT I WON."

1267. "KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE. I KNOW.

1268. IT'S CRAZY."

1269. IF I SEE A REALLY HOT CHICK,

1270. I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCH AND THE THROAT

1271. AND BE LIKE, "BEST IN SHOW."

1272. LITTLE HEAVY.

1273. SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONE FROM THE TOY GROUP.

1274. BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL.

1275. OKAY?

1276. JUST NOT TO ME.

1277. I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.

1278. FRESHMAN 15'S NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

1279. OKAY?

1280. I KNOW THIS IS AWKWARD RIGHT NOW FOR SOME OF US.

1281. "HE WANTS US TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE.

1282. WHAT A JERK."

1283. WE'RE TOO FAT.

1284. WE'RE JUST TOO FAT.

1285. I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY

1286. THAT WAS DELAYED OVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE

1287. BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF SEATBELT EXTENSIONS.

1288. YEAH. 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANYMORE.

1289. THEY WERE OUT. LIKE, WE HAD TO WAIT

1290. FOR AN INBOUND FLIGHT OF FAT PEOPLE

1291. TO GET THEIR SEATBELT EXTENSIONS TO BRING OVER TO OUR FLIGHT.

1292. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT SEATBELT EXTENSIONS ARE?

1293. SEATBELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.

1294. SOME PEOPLE NEED

1295. AN EXTRA 61/2 FEET OF NYLON TO STRAP IN.

1296. AS IF ANY COLLISION WOULD UNWEDGE THEM.

1297. YOU EVER BEEN ON A FLIGHT AND A BUNCH OF VIRGIN FLIERS

1298. APPLAUD LIKE MORONS AFTER A SUCCESSFUL LANDING?

1299. I ALWAYS PRAY THAT THOSE SAME PEOPLE WERE

1300. ON THE U.S. AIRWAYS FLIGHT THAT LANDED IN THE HUDSON RIVER

1301. AND THEY JUST WENT, "BOO. BOO.

1302. "WHAT IS THIS?

1303. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON LAND, YOU DICK."

1304. NEW YORK GETS ALL THE COOL PLANE CRASHES.

1305. ALL RIGHT, MAYBE COOL'S NOT THE RIGHT WORD,

1306. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

1307. I LOVE THAT THE MODELING INDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED

1308. FOR BEING TOO SKINNY.

1309. REALLY, AMERICA?

1310. YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG?

1311. IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?

1312. DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT?

1313. THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY?

1314. IT'S BECAUSE PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE.

1315. THEY CAN'T TELL THEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

1316. THAT SHE'S NOT REALLY A PRINCESS.

1317. WELL, GUESS WHAT, I CAN.

1318. IF YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD AND YOU THINK

1319. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND GISELLE IS YOUR WAISTLINE

1320. AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE,

1321. HERE'S SOME ADVICE, FILL UP THE PAXIL,

1322. BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BE REALLY SAD.

1323. IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND LIKE, "WELL, WHY AM I

1324. NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?",

1325. WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT, SEABISCUIT?

1326. "OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL."

1327. DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?

1328. LET'S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE.

1329. THAT'S NOT GONNA SELL A LOT OF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES.

1330. "BUT I'M SKINNY."

1331. YOU ARE A TROLL.

1332. MY ADVICE, HAVE A TWINKIE,

1333. GET REAL GOOD AT MATH,

1334. BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU.

1335. I'M SORRY IF THIS IS YOUR WAKEUP CALL,

1336. BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMAN IS LIKE BEING A MAN.

1337. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK.

1338. YUP.

1339. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU GUYS.

1340. THANK YOU. THANKS FOR COMING.

1341. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

1342. I WAS HOPING THE SHOW— IS THIS A LOT OF PRESSURE

1343. ON YOU, LIKE, "FUCK, DUDE,

1344. LIKE, OUR LAUGHS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT TONIGHT"?

1345. YOU REALLY, REALLY GOT TO TURN IT UP.

1346. THERE'S A MICROPHONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

1347. YOUR NAME HERE.

1348. YOU'RE IN ROBERT'S SEAT.

1349. WHAT IF YOUR NAME WAS ROBERT?

1350. YOU'D BE LIKE, "FUCK, THIS PLACE REALLY TAKES CARE OF US."