Daniel, the Wizard (2004)

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Lana Kaiser as Daniel Küblböck • Ulli Lommel as Johannes "Johnny" Küblböck • Rudolf Waldemar Brem as Balthasar • Katja Rupé as Oma Küblböck • Günther Küblböck as Günther Küblböck • Peter Schamoni as Herr Winter • Adele Eden as Rike

Evil teenager assassins Rike & Tom want to kill and film the execution of the rock star Daniel Küblböck [or Lana Kaiser to be correct], who is spiritually supported by his dead grandfather Johnny, with the support of the mysterious Baltazar! Will o...

Germany • Fantasy • Drama • Crime • Music

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1. It is now past five

2. and as you can see, the fans are flocking into the hall.

3. It is an unbelievable crowd, a crowd you'd only see at big pop concerts.

4. A crowd that could have been predicted for today, but had probably not been expected by many

5. because it is not David Bowie, who's performing today. It's not Phil Collins, or Robbie Williams either.

6. It is Daniel Kueblboeck, the pop-phenomenon of the year, who's starting off his big solo tour today,

7. which he's going to be touring with all across Germany for the next month.

8. "Phenomenon" being the keyword, because "penomenon" is without judgement.

9. It's a neutral term that can carry either connotation, negative or positive.

10. Look at that, Tom.

11. Something like that gets to be famous.

12. Poor Germany.

13. What do you say to this, Rike? - He's such a limp dick.

14. Neither boy, nor girl. What is he anyway, Balthasar?

15. He's dead, if it were up to you. Dead as a doornail.

16. If it were up to us, he'd be dead as a doornail... did you really mean that, Balthasar?

17. Of course, I did. After all, someone has to do the dirty work, wouldn't you say?

18. And what exactly do you have in mind?

19. Just something simple, bang, bang. Basta. The end.

20. Finito.

21. There's the father.

22. Daniel is not alone then. Should we risk it anyway?

23. Do you have the pistol with you? No, you wanted to bring it. Nonsense.

24. Then we have to do it without the pistol.How? With a knife?

25. Up and at it, Daniel! Here's your favorite pastime.

26. "Dear Daniel, I can't even tell you how much you mean to me.

27. Sadly, I can't attend your concert at the 'Zirkus Krone', but maybe next time.

28. I just wanted to thank you.

29. I was very close to end my life. I wish you all the best, good health

30. and that you may bring joy to many people for many more years.

31. At last, life is a joy to me again, and that's all because of you.

32. With your personality and your music, you've saved my life."

33. I don't know, grandma... in a way, I cannot bear this. All this responsibility, you know what I mean?

34. Yes, you have a great responsibility now. All those fans that love you.

35. But what if one day, I just don't want this anymore? Simply done with it.

36. Poppycock! You worry way too much.

37. Here, sign your cards, or else we won't get done with a thousand fan letters today.

38. Want me to help? - Nah, that's all right.

39. I always used to help your grandpa with it. My handwriting is almost identical to yours anyway.

40. Yeah, grandpa was a lot like Daniel. He, too, used to enchant the people.

41. He was a musician too.

42. Didn't you know that?

43. Daniel inherited his talent from my husband.

44. And he didn't fade out over night either.

45. He was a great musician.

46. He played... until his very end.

47. Here's another one threatening to kill me.

48. Let me see.

49. "If I ever catch you on TV again, it's 'heads off' for you, you dope.

50. And as for your tour, don't you dare to..."

51. Now this one, I'll hand over to the police.

52. We need bodyguards for him, like I always said.

53. Real strong bodyguards.

54. I don't want any bodyguards. That's just silly.

55. I don't think it's such a bad idea.

56. I don't even get why they're all so riled up.

57. It's not like you're doing them any harm.

58. All this senseless hatred. It's just silly.

59. "Dear Daniel, I love how you're...", what a handwriting, "... love how you're half boy and half girl.

60. I love you, Daniel! Yours truly, Sabine from Vaterstetten".

61. Now that's something positive!

62. On the other hand, he has millions of adoring fans, who'd walk through fire for him.

63. A career like Daniel's doesn't happen very often, if ever at all.

64. They should see you and get to know you first.

65. If they saw you up on stage, witnessed the way you perform

66. and do your show for 2 hours, they'd all change their minds.

67. Isn't that right?

68. You know, bodyguards wouldn't be so bad.

69. That's what I keep saying... bodyguards.

70. Maybe one day, you'll even go to America, maybe Las Vegas, that'd be something!

71. They already have much better artists.

72. They certainly don't need me over there. - You never know.

73. Don't say that. You never know what's gonna happen.

74. Las Vegas... yeah, that wouldn't be bad at all.

75. By the way, what's going on with your singing instructor Mr. Meisner?

76. I really do think you should work on your voice a bit, don't you agree?

77. You just have to work on yourself relentlessly, day and night.

78. Maybe we should wait in the forest and shoot him with a decent rifle with a scope.

79. What? No. That's way too cowardly.

80. You're always such a big mouth, Rike. It's starting to piss me off.

81. Listen to this crap.

82. Never heard anything so dreadful in my entire life.

83. I can't see anything, Rike.

84. No need to. It's bad enough just to hear him.

85. Daniel, that was grand!

86. No problem. You should be able to hold it.

87. Hey, what are you doing there? Go away! Get lost!

88. Someone's been sneaking around in the garden.

89. Alright, once more from the beginning. We'll manage the tones eventually.

90. "To our dearly hated Kueblboeck..."

91. Could you keep it down? I'm writing this letter to Kueblboeck.

92. "... don't expect us to fall for your fake affection for those poor tigers.

93. By the way, my girlfriend and I live close to you in Passau,

94. where you're supposed to perform very soon.

95. However, it's probably not going to come to that,

96. because we are determined to put an end to your sad parade."

97. Something wrong?

98. Don't you remember me?

99. I don't think so. - Munich...

100. Oktoberfest, 1965.

101. Wait a minute... Johnny? Nah, he's been dead for a long time now.

102. Who are you talking about? - About Johann, or 'Johnny'.

103. I AM Johnny.

104. Yeah, right. Have a nice day.

105. Your plans regarding Daniel... you can scratch those, Balthasar.

106. How do you know my name?

107. If either you, or your henchmen do any harm to Daniel, you'll have me on your backs.

108. Now, listen up! Johnny is dead, has been for at least 30 years...

109. Ghosts can be just as dangerous.

110. Sorry, I don't believe in ghosts.

111. I'm protecting Daniel. I always have.

112. There's no need to be afraid, Daniel.

113. You know how to dream, don't you?

114. Just start to dream and everything else will work itself out.

115. Even if that's true, it's still you against an overpowered force.

116. Millions of people, who hate him like the plague.

117. You know little Petra?

118. Petra? Petra who?

119. See?

120. You don't have a clue.

121. Love is undefeatable.

122. Is this supposed to be music, Petra? It's unbearable.

123. Is that this deranged Kueblboeck guy again?

124. His name's Daniel, grandpa.

125. And besides, his music is great! - Total, utter bollocks, this stuff!

126. Seriously, I've had enough. Turn it off.

127. If you had let me to go to his concert, you wouldn't have to listen to it now.

128. He's an airhead without any education. He doesn't know the first thing about music.

129. That clown, that pathetic weiner!

130. No one in my shop likes this crap, am I right, Mrs. Selig?

131. I'm all with you, Mr. Winter.

132. This Kueblboeck is our cultural downfall. It's complete garbage.

133. Now, what's this?

134. Kueblboeck... Kueblboeck throughout the year. Nothing but Kueblboeck!

135. This is outrageous!

136. "Dear Daniel,

137. my grandpa owns the 'Café Winter' in your hometown, Eggenfelden.

138. It'd be great if you could come by some time.

139. We bake our own cake!

140. I live without my parents, and my grandma went to heaven as well last year.

141. I often think of you, which makes me happy.

142. I love your music and get excited whenever I see a new music video of yours.

143. See you soon, and lots of "Positive Energy" to you!

144. Yours truly, Petra."

145. Where's that little cockroach?

146. Did you change your minds?

147. Did he convert you?

148. Did he make you cry?

149. Have you become Daniel Kueblboeck fans after all?

150. u mad? no wai!

151. We'll get him eventually, but...

152. it should be spectacular!

153. This Sunday, he's having his last concert for this year in Passau, his homestead.

154. Before the eyes of the entire world, he's simply gonna fall over... bang, bang!

155. And we'll have front row seats! - BANG, BANG!

156. And you're gonna be more famous than any "Idol".

157. Sounds great!

158. And feels good!

159. No more Kueblboeck! - No more! - No more Kueblboeck! That's exactly right!

160. Look at that! What's this guy still doing here? - Seriously!

161. Hey, how did you manage to become famous anyway?

162. God, what an idiot! - Yeah, what's his deal?

163. Such doodooheads!

164. Just ignore them.

165. Listen, there's something I want to discuss with you.

166. Hollywood has called. They want to do a screen test with you!

167. For real?

168. Las Vegas has expressed interest in you as well.

169. Las Vegas? FOR REAL?

170. Yeah, they wanna invite us. Hollywood... that's not bad at all!

171. What are you doing here?

172. A screen test.

173. A screen test for what?

174. For... Hollywood!

175. What about you?

176. I'm Marie.

177. Aren't you afraid? - Of what?

178. Of me going after you, killing you.

179. Why, did I do something to you? - No, to the contrary!

180. You saved my daddy's life.

181. For real?

182. He almost drowned in Lake Starnberg, but then you appeared before him... as an angel.

183. There are many who love you, without even knowing you.

184. Don't be intimidated, Rike!

185. You're supposed to keep an eye on him, without raising suspicion.

186. We have to keep acting as if we were his fans, until he walks into our trap!

187. Until he's ours! All ours!

188. And remember, Rike: Kueblboeck is nothing but a ridiculous One-Hit-Wonder,

189. a crazy scarecrow, and we...

190. we are the true "Idols"! You must never forget this!

191. Never!

192. I am Daniel Kueblboeck... from Eggenfelden.

193. Nonsense! Don't let them lull you in. Such crap...

194. 'Danny-Boy'? What's with that? He's 'Daniel Kueblboeck', okay?

195. But I'm no 'Indiana Jones'.

196. I wouldn't give in to this! You have to stay true to yourself, only then can you make it in Hollywood!

197. From Eggenfelden...

198. to Hollywood.

199. Hollywood. Give me a break!

200. They'll eat him alive. Daniel in the lions' pit!

201. I shouldn't strain my magic powers unnecessarily,

202. but right now, I'd love to turn you into a cockroach!

203. Go ahead! Show me what you got!

204. Or are you just a pathetic charlatan after all? I thought you were a one-armed monster.

205. Johnny! What did you do? Undo it this instant!

206. The good human says what?

207. Uh, Johnny, I want to be a human, not a cockroach! I want to be a human, like you!

208. Nonsense, I'm not a human. I'm a ghost.

209. Just help me already! - "I'm... I'm a..."?

210. Huh? Uh... oh, right! "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!"

211. Freaking hilarious. Let's see who gets the last laugh.

212. I'll get you! You and your crummy Kueblboeck!

213. That's the last time you're playing this Kuebullcrap in here!

214. You know how many people have already complained? Dozens! HUNDREDS!

215. I don't care! - Yeah, you don't care, but I do! I do care!

216. This is a grade-A catastrophe! My guests are running away!

217. And what am I supposed to do? I've had it with this crap!

218. There! Th-that's him!

219. That's the Kueblboeck!

220. The boy has put his finger in all the cakes! Disgusting!

221. Did you poke my cakes with your dirty fingers?

222. This is... I don't... I should call the police!

223. You could use a good beating, you little rascal!

224. These five cakes...

225. I buy them all.

226. That's not possible!

227. Why not? If he pays.

228. That would be, uh... €35, 50!

229. That's out of the question!

230. I'll wrap it up, okay? - You've lost it completely!

231. But only if you give me an autograph!

232. And your name... ?

233. Petra! - Petra.

234. "For Petra, from Daniel"

235. Thank you!

236. Will you come to my concert in Passau? - Of course!

237. Oh, no, you won't!

238. Here, two tickets for you. - Seriously? Thanks a lot!

239. That's so sweet of you!

240. What about my cake? - Oh, sorry, I almost forgot!

241. Give him back those tickets! - Don't hassle me, grandpa. I'm working.

242. No respect, the youth of today! - That's true, Mr. Winter!

243. Come here!

244. Maybe we'll see each other at the concert.

245. Kueblboeck, Kueblboeck, day in, day out, just Kueblboeck!

246. "Positive Energy!"

247. Petra! Petra!

248. What kind of music is this anyway? Pop, rock... ?

249. It's Kueblboeck!

250. Kueblboeck? Just Kueblboeck music? Alright, then, if you say so.

251. Did I do something wrong?

252. Not at all.

253. Where have you been this whole time?

254. I've always been there. Didn't you feel that?

255. Something must have gone wrong! Why does everybody hate me?

256. I don't believe that's very fair to your fans, Daniel. They're all very proud of you.

257. And so am I.

258. You're 18 now, Daniel.

259. It's time for the apprentice to become a real wizard.

260. I still haven't passed my trials, then?

261. Trials?

262. You mean the snakes, cockroaches and spiders in the jungle?

263. No, those were just for fun!

264. But now, things are getting serious.

265. Soon, you'll have to show what you're really made of.

266. Is something bad about to happen to me?

267. Tell me, please!

268. Am I going to die soon?

269. You just have to believe in yourself, Daniel. Then nothing can harm you.

270. When is it going to happen?

271. When you're least prepared for it.

272. Do it!

273. Do it already!

274. You come with me, kueblboeck!

275. Don't worry, Kueblboeck, you won't freeze. We're almost there.

276. Come on already!

277. Now, come on, or I'll hit you on the head!

278. Chicken!

279. Weakling!

280. "Idol"!

281. Come on.

282. Sit down, get comfortable.

283. You're about to kick the bucket, in case you couldn't tell.

284. Now, you just stay there, you got that?

285. He has to be around somewhere.

286. Not in here either.

287. Hello, Tom? Yeah.

288. I have him in custody at our place.

289. Yeah, sure. Good. Come quickly!

290. Just hurry up!

291. I'm afraid!

292. I thought we'd gone over this already...

293. about 12 years ago.

294. What should I do?

295. You mustn't despair now!

296. But my father!

297. I'm sure he's worried about me.

298. This is not about your father, Daniel.

299. This is your big trial. And you have to pass it.

300. I don't understand a thing! I want out! I wanna be back on my stage!

301. This is your stage now.

302. You're meant to play a new role here, and you have to play it convincingly!

303. I hate these guys!

304. You mustn't hate!

305. You have to help me!

306. I expect you not to disappoint me.

307. Who are you talking to, Kueblboeck?

308. Are you crazy? Have you lost it?

309. May I have one too?

310. Sorry, last one.

311. Hello, dear audience,

312. there have been some minor technical difficulties,

313. nothing dramatic, the show will continue shortly,

314. but for the moment, we'll have to ask you for some patience.

315. The band will keep you entertained in the meantime.

316. Thanks for listening.

317. Do you think something's happened to him, grandpa?

318. Why would something have happened to him? No, don't worry, no, no, no...

319. Would it be possible to go backstage and speak with him?

320. Speak? Who? How? With whom? You want to speak with him?

321. Why not? Are you still against him?

322. Nah, I think he's alright. Certainly better than Heino with his glasses.

323. You think we should... ?

324. Aren't you Daddy Kueblboeck? - Yes.

325. I'm the owner of the Cafè Winter, and I was wondering if we could be of any help.

326. No, that's not... - We know Daniel very well. He's a nice young man.

327. He always buys cake from us, huge amounts of cake, and that's why we thought we could help, somehow...

328. Yeah, that's nice, but... - Did something happen to him?

329. No, everything's fine.

330. I'm not going up there. You'll have to do that by yourself.

331. What? Now you're leaving us?

332. This isn't about me. It's your thing entirely.

333. You wanted to become famous.

334. You know, Balthasar, something about this seems funny to me.

335. Funny? How so?

336. He jinxed you, didn't he?

337. Isn't that right?

338. Nonsense! Get it over with, then we'll see.

339. He's dangerous. I can see that. There's something about him.

340. I'm even beginning to understand his fans.

341. There's something about him.

342. You're finally here.

343. Alright. Turn around!

344. We'll make this quick.

345. Dreh' dich um, Küblböck!

346. We want to put a tiny piece of lead through your neck, you see?

347. Since we're feeling a bit sorry for you,

348. we're gonna do it from behind, so you don't have to watch.

349. How many bullets are in this?

350. Five, or ten, who gives a shit? - Yeah, it'll be enough.

351. I shoot...

352. and you record. - Okay, no problem.

353. Get it over with, Tommy, or do you want me to do it?

354. Okay, if you insist.

355. I'm more familiar with the camera anyway.

356. Coward!

357. Don't be silly, Rike.

358. Loser!

359. Come on, don't be like this!

360. What's wrong with you?

361. You just can't stay cool. It's always the same. - What are you doing, Tommy?

362. Why are you screwing around with that?

363. Something's wrong with the camera. Did you break it?

364. You know, back home, there always used to be chaos.

365. My mother drank and I was being treated like an idiot.

366. And my brother was a neo-nazi. - Crap!

367. For me it was my stepfather.

368. He used to beat me up, day and night.

369. But one day, I struck back.

370. That felt great. It was a real pleasure! - Here!

371. It's working again.

372. One thing I've learned in my life is not to strike back.

373. Turn around already, Kueblboeck!

374. Alright... the camera's running.

375. Now it's your turn, Mrs. 'Directoress'!

376. Something's clogged. You wanna try?

377. I'm busy filming! Just do it! Just pull!

378. I used to have a guitar. It was old and broken,

379. and then it got stolen.

380. Since then, I've never had the money to buy a new one. I'd really like to play, though.

381. I'd image...

382. you two could sing and dance too, if you wanted.

383. Are you kidding me? Have you lost your mind? What's gotten into you?

384. Maybe he's not so bad after all.

385. Maybe we should give him one last chance.

386. Okay.

387. You know what?

388. You can take over from here, including all consequences,

389. while I go home and try to enjoy the rest of the evening, how about that?

390. Not bad!

391. I wasn't asking you, Daniel Kueblboeck!

392. Fine with me. - Good, let's do it then.

393. And when you get rid of him by yourself, the fame shall be all yours too.

394. Does that sound fair?

395. Yes, that's fair.

396. Shut up!

397. I'll call you later.

398. What's on TV today?

399. "German Idol"! - Very funny, Daniel.

400. I'll call you later then.

401. Okay, cool.

402. I liked that one song of yours, by the way.

403. The new one.

404. Damn crap!

405. Now I'm stuck in this mess!

406. How about a deal?

407. A deal?

408. You let me go,

409. I take off...

410. and never tell anyone where I've been.

411. I don't believe you.

412. Well, then you'll have to kill me, or run away yourself.

413. The things are as they are.

414. Everything sucks.

415. And I'm the biggest asshole.

416. I'll never amount to anything.

417. Even my stepdad used to say that, and he was right!

418. I should have never been born into this shithole of a world.

419. Cry, if you want.

420. Boys may cry.

421. Just get lost, then, please!

422. I don't believe it!

423. Hey, Daniel! - I'm fine!

424. Where have you been?

425. Dear God, where have you been?

426. Can't explain...

427. "Dear Daniel,

428. your concert in Passau was wonderful.

429. Even my grandpa is now a true fan of yours,

430. and sometimes even acts like a teenager.

431. A thousand thanks for the invitations!

432. Yours truly, Petra"

433. "Positive Energy!"

434. Yeah, yeah, positive energy.

435. You have to sleep now. It's not like positive energy is bad,

436. it's better than negative energy, but you need to sleep now, because you have school tomorrow,

437. and then you'll need positive energy, right? So, sleep tight.

438. Good night! - Good night.

439. And where's my christmas present?

440. Since when do you think of yourself?

441. I don't understand. Didn't I do everything right?

442. Didn't I pass the trial?

443. There's something you forgot.

444. Something very important.

445. What?

446. Tom and Rike.

447. They haven't recieved a present from you yet.

448. A present from me to them?

449. I want you to give them something...

450. that's very dear to you.

451. But they wanted to kill me!

452. Oh, that. Well...

453. that was then.

454. But now you're friends.

455. I don't know, I mean... I wouldn't call them 'friends'. I just think this is going a bit too far.

456. Not at all.

457. You're gonna give them your guitar.

458. What?

459. My guitar?

460. No way!

461. Alright.

462. Then maybe you're just a tiny little apprentice after all.

463. Come on now.

464. A wizard often parts with that which he loves the most.

465. And you want to be a wizard, a true, great wizard, don't you?

466. I've got something for you.

467. That was a dirty little trick of yours, Johnny!

468. And about your arm...

469. sometimes it's there, sometimes it's gone. Is that some cheap trick as well, or a prosthetic?

470. Take your pick. It's up to you.

471. I may have lost the battle, but the war, you have not won yet!

472. I'm up to this challenge! - I wouldn't be so sure about that, Balthasar.

473. You'll now have to give him your magic wand, won't you?

474. Why do you ask?

475. Because then, you'll lose all your magic powers. Three times the cockroach.

476. This much I do know about wizardry.

477. 'Back now, broom, into the closet! Be thou as thou wert before!', my little Johnny, then we'll be rid of you!

478. And whether the little wizard even knows how to handle his new powers...

479. I'd venture to doubt.

480. What's that?

481. Something quite extraordinary.

482. Didn't it come with a card?

483. "From the One-Armed"

484. The One-Armed?

485. I only know one one-armed person. It was your grandpa, my husband.

486. Yes, that's right.

487. We met in 1965 at the Oktoberfest.

488. I was 16.

489. He used to come to the tent where I was working as a waitress.

490. I used to prepare some meals for him, since he couldn't, because of his one arm.

491. Well... and then I fell in love with him.

492. What's he look like, granny?

493. Dark hair, just like you.

494. And brown eyes.

495. Say, didn't I ever show you a picture?

496. It's probably because I still miss him so much

497. that I just couldn't bring myself to show you the photos.

498. Have a look.

499. That's him.

500. Do you like him?

501. Where did you say he is now?

502. Dead, he's dead... has been for a while. He's probably somewhere up in heaven.

503. In heaven?

504. Yes, in heaven.

505. Awesome!

506. It's such a pity that you two never met.

507. Come on, grandma, don't cry!

508. You would have had so much fun with each other.

509. Oh, well...

510. That's life.

511. Say, do you believe in miracles and magic?

512. I'm not sure.

513. What did he look like?

514. Was he wearing a tuxedo and a top hat?

515. And white gloves?

516. Yes, granny!

517. And did he have a silver brass instrument?

518. Yes, exactly!

519. Say 'Hello' from me, next time you see him!

520. And tell him I love him, and that I've always been true to him.

521. Now, go to bed and have sweet dreams.

522. And as for that wand...

523. The thing about that is, you're only supposed to use it in order to help others.

524. But I'm sure he's already told you this, hasn't he?

525. You little wizard!

526. I'll do that!

527. Let's keep this our secret, though, okay?

528. Okay!

529. I'm here in Cannes, ladies and gentlemen right in front of the festival palace,

530. where Daniel Kueblboeck's feature film will have its world premiere tonight!

531. Who would have thought...

532. No more Kueblboeck! No more Kueblboeck!

533. There's no need to be afraid, Daniel.