Curse of the Queerwolf (1988)

1. Through there.

2. Get through.

3. I'm stuck.

4. You're stuck?

5. Get him through there.

6. Ugh.

7. Oh.

8. Now, he is at peace.

9. What a babe.

10. Whoohoohoo, what a piece of poon.

11. Yeah, you said it.

12. You think she'd go out with me?

13. Sure.

14. Take her home.

15. Introduce her to your mother.

16. She's probably a very moralistic girl.

17. I'm sure she is.

18. She pulls up her dress, she extends her pinkies.

19. Have you had enough?

20. Enough?

21. Hey, hey, we just got here four hours ago.

22. I know, but it's almost 1:00.

23. And if I keep staying out late like this,

24. Lois is going to kill me.

25. What's it to her what time you get home?

26. Who does she think she is, your wife?

27. I just don't want to make any waves.

28. She thinks I'm at the office every night.

29. I don't want her checking up on me.

30. You got something to be ashamed of?

31. Barhopping, going to strip shows,

32. picking up sleazy women

33. you'd be surprised how many women

34. would hold that against you.

35. I told you not to let her move in with you.

36. Didn't I tell you?

37. I said, Larry, she moves in with you,

38. you might as well get married.

39. Didn't I say that?

40. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

41. And now look at you.

42. You're afraid to cruise with your buddy.

43. I ain't afraid of nothing, Dick.

44. Why don't you just tell her you still

45. have your own life to live?

46. Not... she's not running my life.

47. Technically, we both can see other people if we want to.

48. Then how come every time you pick up a chick

49. you have to use my place?

50. I'm not going to throw it in her face.

51. Could you make love to someone with your girlfriend

52. in the next room?

53. I made love to someone with my girlfriend in the same room.

54. I'll bet you have.

55. I'll bet you have.

56. I can't operate that way, Dick.

57. I care about Lois.

58. She means a lot to me.

59. You know, I'd even gone so far as to say I love her.

60. So when I screw another chick, common decency just says that I

61. don't do it in my own home.

62. I owe that to her.

63. Sometimes I really worry about you, Larry.

64. So what do you think, movie or something tomorrow night?

65. I'm going to have to let you know.

66. I've got to start spending some time with Lois.

67. Suit yourself.

68. Take it easy, Dick

69. Work late again?

70. Mhm.

71. - Did you miss me? - Mhm.

72. Guess who misses you?

73. Who?

74. - Little putty cat. - Mmm.

75. Morning.

76. Larry?

77. Yes, sweetie.

78. Want to do my back?

79. I'm running late, dear.

80. Wanna do my front?

81. Say hi to cuties.

82. - Have to work late tonight? - I don't know.

83. Want me to ask Mr. Winky?

84. You want to get that?

85. Hello?

86. Hey, Lar, old buddy, my man, Cheese here.

87. Got a minute?

88. What is it, Dick?

89. What are you doing?

90. I'm getting a blow job.

91. Hey, listen, after work tonight, you busy?

92. Why?

93. Cosmo's bar is having his skimpy bikini contest.

94. Now, grab onto your dinky.

95. Women wearing the littlest win big prizes.

96. So?

97. It's right up our alley.

98. Come on.

99. What do you say?

100. - You going to come? - Yes!

101. Yes!

102. Oh god, yes.

103. All right.

104. What?

105. OK, listen, after work tonight.

106. We'll take your car.

107. Well, why can't I go with you tonight?

108. Because it's for men only.

109. Why don't you tell me what it is?

110. It does not concern you.

111. Everything you do concerns me.

112. Look, I'm not going to argue about it.

113. Is it another woman?

114. No.

115. - Another man? - Give me a break.

116. You're upset, aren't you?

117. What makes me think I'm upset, huh?

118. Hey, Vern, come here, boy.

119. Come on.

120. Yeah.

121. How are you doing, boy?

122. Sit.

123. Speak.

124. Good boy.

125. Stay. Good boy.

126. I didn't tell you to move.

127. Now, lie down.

128. Down.

129. Now, stay.

130. Good boy.

131. That damn dog means more to you than I do.

132. Sometimes he has more intelligent things to say.

133. Well, he also pisses on trees.

134. He also does what he's told.

135. Hey, you're late, buddy.

136. So are you.

137. Eh.

138. At least I have a legitimate excuse.

139. I overslept.

140. I ran over my dog.

141. Oh, that's nice. See you later.

142. Good morning, Mrs. Thyroid.

143. Sorry I'm late.

144. Well, you should be.

145. You think I've got all day for this?

146. No, ma'am.

147. - Well, ready to begin? - Yes.

148. - I don't think I want that. - I don't blame you.

149. Therapy, Smalbut speaking.

150. You going to wear a tie tonight?

151. What?

152. At the bar tonight, you going to wear a tie?

153. Dick, I'm really busy right now.

154. Yeah, so am I. I just think our chances would be better

155. if— if we dressed similar.

156. Chances for what?

157. Well, I don't care either way.

158. I just you want to know how you're dressing.

159. Hold on, Dick

160. I never ever said I was going.

161. Not going?

162. Hey, this is going to be the hottest

163. thing G-spots were discovered.

164. You can't miss this.

165. Look, Lois and I

166. got into a little bit of a fight this morning,

167. and I left really upset.

168. I'd rather not be

169. I don't want to hear it.

170. Listen, it's up to me to keep you single.

171. Now, we're going tonight.

172. Don't wear a tie.

173. I'm sorry about

174. Is that a banana in your pocket,

175. or are you just happy to see me?

176. Hey, hey, cheer up.

177. Will you, buddy?

178. We've been here for an hour, and I am bored.

179. Bored?

180. How can you find all this boring?

181. I think you're turning wimpy on me.

182. Look, I

183. I've got a beautiful girl waiting at home for me.

184. - What do I need all this for? - Variety.

185. Hey, look over there.

186. Alrighty-o, it's show time.

187. Come on, now.

188. Come on, now.

189. We're going to find us some poontang here.

190. Oh, I've got an eye on a girl right over there.

191. Good enough to eat there too.

192. Excuse me, ladies, do you mind if we join you?

193. Uh, no, go ahead.

194. Oh.

195. My name is Cheese, Richard Cheese.

196. And this my good friend Lawrence Smalbut.

197. And what might your sweet names be?

198. I'm Paula, and this is, uh

199. Holly.

200. Deck that bars with Paula and Holly Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la.

201. Uh, you two gals know each other?

202. We just met.

203. Just met, huh?

204. You gals ain't

205. Italian?

206. No, you know

207. So either or you two ladies want to get laid?

208. All right, right this way.

209. Ah, excuse the mess. Maid's day off.

210. So what do you say?

211. Give Old Uncle Dicky your coats.

212. I'll dispose of these.

213. - Y'all make yourself comfortable. - OK.

214. Mmm.

215. You're very quiet, Larry.

216. Call me Lawrence.

217. Lawrence.

218. What?

219. You said to call you Lawrence.

220. Call me anything you want.

221. Call me irresponsible.

222. Call me unreliable.

223. Call me undigestible too.

224. Bottoms up.

225. Ahh.

226. Another?

227. Oh, not right now, thanks.

228. Listen, how would you like to see my Jamaican Afro

229. comb collection?

230. - Well, no - I thought so.

231. - I will— I was... - Right this way, my lovely.

232. having such a good time sitting here on the couch.

233. And I didn't finish my wine and

234. Bottoms up.

235. Uh, actually, I think I

236. - I'm not very thirsty anymore. - That's fine.

237. That's fine.

238. And now a public service announcement from K-BULGE.

239. A new strain of venereal disease has just

240. been discovered by doctors at the Turn

241. Head and Cough Institute in Berkeley, California.

242. The disease, which is still puzzling the doctors there,

243. possesses men to dress up in women's clothing

244. and take on female traits.

245. Do you wanna fool around?

246. Thought you'd never ask.

247. can be transferred through the spit of an infected person,

248. causing the victim to take all these

249. incredible emotional changes only during certain times

250. of the day.

251. It seems that there is a latent period when the victim

252. shows few signs of change.

253. These times have yet to be isolated by the doctors.

254. One telltale sign is an inability

255. of the victim to keep his wrist straight

256. for any length of time.

257. Uh, well

258. And now, back to more music.

259. Would you— would you be upset if

260. If what?

261. If things weren't as they seemed.

262. - What do you mean? - Well, I

263. - Excuse me, kids. - You were saying?

264. There's part of me that I'd like to explain.

265. You're married?

266. No, nothing like that.

267. You're living with someone?

268. So am I. Look, don't worry about it.

269. Just think of it as one of those flings.

270. This chick is incredible.

271. No, I'm not living with anyone.

272. You have herpes?

273. No.

274. Gonorrhea?

275. No.

276. Relatives in New York?

277. Forget it.

278. Don't mind me.

279. Mm, nice garters.

280. Honey, do you want to use, uh, potatoes or stuffing?

281. Stuffing.

282. Hm, I thought she'd go for the potatoes.

283. Hm.

284. Mm.

285. Ow!

286. You bit me.

287. Sorry.

288. Sometimes I get carried away.

289. Yeah.

290. Hemorrhoids?

291. I'm going to show you how to do it.

292. Rawr.

293. Holy Jesus Christ!

294. What was that?

295. His first orgasm.

296. It's a fucking dude!

297. Uh, you say something, Lar?

298. I'm gonna be sick.

299. I've been frenching with a goddamn man.

300. A man?

301. Excuse me just one second.

302. There is a God.

303. Get your ass out there.

304. Larry, not the time to get social.

305. Social?

306. He bit me on the ass.

307. What's so damn funny?

308. Bit you on the ass!

309. - I'm gonna beat his ass. - Wait.

310. Please.

311. It's not my fault. Please don't hurt me.

312. I'm not going to hurt you.

313. I'm going to bash your fucking brains in.

314. - Thinks he's Jack Nicholson. - Hm.

315. Open up in there.

316. Who is it?

317. Open up, I say.

318. Oh god, he's got a boyfriend.

319. Oh, god, I've got to get out of here.

320. So go!

321. Hey, stop banging. I'll let you in.

322. - No, wait, they'll kill me. - Good!

323. - Where is he? - Who?

324. Paula McFarland, the queerwolf.

325. The world?

326. Check out back.

327. I'll check the other room.

328. All right, everybody, stay where you are.

329. We traced him to this place.

330. If you're hiding him, it'll do you no good.

331. Believe me, I ain't hiding a thing.

332. Put the weirdo in jail.

333. Did he touch you in any way?

334. Me?

335. Ow!

336. What do you think I am, anyway?

337. I don't know what you are, sir.

338. But I know what he is, and you brought him home.

339. Well, I know what he is too.

340. I just didn't know when I brought him home.

341. I don't think you do know what he is.

342. Of course I know what he is.

343. He's a damn transvestite.

344. Worse than that, sir.

345. This evening, you've been in the company of a dickinthrope

346. A whatinthrope?

347. Dickinthrope.

348. A queerwolf.

349. He was once my son till he was bitten by one of them.

350. I thought it was just a phase he was going through.

351. He started wearing his mother's perfuming,

352. reading "Playgirl, squatting to pee.

353. He was no longer my son.

354. His soul is in torment and he must be destroyed.

355. Hey, McFarland, this way.

356. Come on, come on.

357. He couldn't have gotten far.

358. You certain he didn't touch you?

359. He didn't touch me.

360. You're lucky, then.

361. My son wasn't so lucky.

362. Even a wrist that is strong and firm

363. and holds up straight by day may become

364. limp when the moon is full and the queerwolf comes your way.

365. Take it easy.

366. Want a beer?

367. Hey, where are you going?

368. Getting the hell out of here.

369. Aw, come on.

370. You ain't going to let a little thing like that

371. ruin your night, are you?

372. I'm going back to Lois.

373. One thing I've learned tonight, Lois is a woman, a real woman...

374. no strings, no fuss, no balls.

375. She loves me, and she puts up with me.

376. Larry, you're being a spoiled sport.

377. Goddamn fag bites me on the ass,

378. and you call me a spoiled sport.

379. I can't believe you get me into these things.

380. And if you breathe a word of this to anybody...

381. Hey, your secret's safe with me.

382. No secret.

383. It never happened.

384. Can I at least make an entry in my diary?

385. Ugh! Uh.

386. Read my lips.

387. Come on, OK?

388. Here, let me help you.

389. It never happened.

390. It never happened.

391. I don't even keep a diary.

392. I'll see you tomorrow at work?

393. I'm not going in.

394. Want to try the potatoes?

395. Hiya, fella.

396. Who are you?

397. Shh.

398. Shh. Shh.

399. Oh, hi, honey.

400. Did you have a good day?

401. I really missed you.

402. I missed you too.

403. This is Manuel.

404. Aw, honey, he's so cute.

405. After— after you left this morning, I felt bad.

406. I wanted to make it up to you.

407. I shouldn't cling to you so much.

408. I have to remember you have a life of your own too.

409. Oh, no, it's all my fault. I...

410. I missed you more than anything in the whole world.

411. From now on, you can cling to me for as long as you want.

412. - Isn't he cute? - Yeah.

413. I'm never going to stay out late again.

414. Never, never, never, never.

415. Howdy, stranger.

416. - Hello. - What's your hurry, Nellie?

417. No hurry. Just want to be on my way.

418. You ain't just going to go running

419. off here without first squealing like a two-fart are you?

420. Squealing?

421. You know,

422. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

423. Not today, fellas.

424. I really got to go.

425. Now, listen to a story

426. about a man named Lar, a poor little man

427. who was bitten by a queer.

428. Then, one day, he was walking by a stream and met a couple guys,

429. and they wanted to ream sodomy, that is.

430. Black hole.

431. Squealing pain.

432. The first thing you know,

433. old Lar's on the run.

434. He don't approve of this kind of fun.

435. He knows with his woman is where he ought to be.

436. If he gets caught, he's gonna go Pig squeal, that is.

437. Pumping butts.

438. Packing fudge.

439. Sweat a spell.

440. Take your pants off.

441. Y'all been doing it now, ya hear?

442. No!

443. No!

444. No!

445. That's what I call a nightmare.

446. Honey, are you OK?

447. Yeah.

448. That's what I really call a nightmare.

449. You all right, honey?

450. I'm not really sure.

451. That's what I call a cheap shot.

452. Good morning.

453. What a night.

454. I had the weirdest dream.

455. - So did I. - Mm.

456. Well, a little notice was taken—

457. What would like for breakfast?

458. Um, something light.

459. Fruit?

460. What?

461. Would you like some fruit?

462. - Oh, fruit will be fine. - Come on, boy.

463. Come on.

464. In other news, the body of a local Santa Monica

465. a man was discovered in an alley late last night

466. in the Wilshire District.

467. Police say they have few clues in this bizarre case.

468. The man had apparently been assaulted in a way

469. that we can't describe over the air.

470. The man was wearing women's clothing...

471. Oatmeal?

472. has been identified as Paul McFarland.

473. What are you so interested in that?

474. can explain the situation at all,

475. except that no one in the county will

476. volunteer to do an autopsy.

477. This could be another Manson-type slaying.

478. But authorities fail to speculate

479. as to whether or not this murder was gang-bang related.

480. The forecast for the valley today

481. - is for mostly sunny skies. - Hello?

482. Lar, catch the news?

483. What about it?

484. Your boyfriend made headlines.

485. He's not my boyfriend.

486. All right.

487. All right, all right.

488. Hey, don't get upset.

489. I just wanted to know if you saw it.

490. I saw it.

491. So what?

492. No reason.

493. Look, I don't care.

494. Well, I thought you would.

495. I mean, you guys were intimate.

496. We were not intimate.

497. Good morning.

498. And you are?

499. Beaver, Mr. Wally Beaver.

500. Nice to meet you.

501. And, uh, where's Mr. Smalbut?

502. Uh, he couldn't come in.

503. I'm handling his clients today.

504. Well, this is going to make me a little nervous.

505. Nothing to get nervous about.

506. I've cured hundreds of smokers.

507. Yeah, but Mr. Smalbut never did anything like this before.

508. Hey, who gets the paychecks here?

509. Mm.

510. OK, for the next few moments, you're going to be breathing

511. nothing but carbon monoxide.

512. This will simulate heavy cigarette smoking.

513. You will feel a bit nauseous but nothing too extreme.

514. It will give you a new reflex which

515. will allow you to view smoking as something unfavorable.

516. OK?

517. Come in.

518. Larry Smalbut?

519. No, I'm his good friend.

520. Police Detective Morose, Homicide.

521. Actually, we're just acquaintances.

522. May I have a moment to speak with you, please?

523. Excuse me.

524. So why would homicide want to talk to Larry?

525. Not, Homicide.

526. This is homocide.

527. I investigate the murder of homos.

528. Can you tell me where Mr. Smalbut is today?

529. It's not my day to watch him.

530. Would you call Mr. Smalbut

531. but a typical American macho man?

532. Certainly not to his face.

533. He was seen leaving a bar with a well-known transvestite,

534. Paul McFarland, last night.

535. So what?

536. Paul McFarland was found murdered.

537. And you think my macho buddy, Larry,

538. had something to do with it?

539. I'm a cop.

540. I'm not paid to think.

541. My pal is outstanding a citizen as you'd hope to know.

542. Uh, he's respectful, law-abiding, morally stable...

543. a perfect role model for the youth of today.

544. Care to buy that one, sir?

545. But do you think

546. that he killed Paul McFarland?

547. I'd rather not get involved.

548. So is there anything else I can do for you?

549. Um, no, no, no.

550. You hear of anything, you get in touch with me.

551. Sure will. Adieu.

552. Sorry about the delay, I—

553. In the news, our top story today

554. concerns the murder of a transvestite found

555. in an alley with a silver dil—

556. This Tuesday at 6:00 PM,

557. march proudly down Santa Monica Boulevard

558. as the fourth annual gay parade takes place.

559. Be a part of the festivities, and bring your own—

560. Whoa.

561. Are you all right?

562. Oh, god,

563. What sign?

564. Your sign.

565. Well, I'm Cancer Libra rising.

566. In your hand.

567. The sign is in your hand.

568. Hm Come on.

569. Here, let me help you.

570. Easy.

571. Ah, there we go. Take it easy now.

572. Let me help you.

573. Let's go right over here.

574. Want to lie down?

575. Ugh.

576. In your hand, it is the pansygram,

577. the five-pointed flower.

578. It is the sign of the queerwolf.

579. Who told you to say that?

580. Nobody tells Muddyooch nothing.

581. I see all.

582. Yeah, well, did you see the car coming?

583. Don't be smart ass.

584. Look, lady, if you're sure you're OK,

585. I'm going to get out of here, OK?

586. The way you walk is funny through no fault of your own.

587. Beware of the moon, my son.

588. I'm not your son.

589. That's what Paul McFarland said.

590. What do you know about Paul McFarland?

591. He was normal red-blooded all-American macho man at one

592. time, until one day when he took that young lady to a motel

593. with him for some cheap yaha.

594. Only she was no lady.

595. She was a dickinthrope.

596. Not so loud.

597. He was bitten by this creature.

598. And become next in line of queerwolf.

599. Why are you doing this to me?

600. I saw the sign in his hand.

601. I tried to help him.

602. He refused to listen.

603. You were bitten by him, eh?

604. - Huh? - No.

605. Yes, otherwise you wouldn't have the sign in your hand.

606. There's nothing there, look.

607. And nothing here either.

608. Look, I don't know if this is supposed

609. to be a joke or anything, but it's not funny.

610. It never was joke.

611. This curse is painfully serious.

612. Did the bite draw blood?

613. Leave me alone.

614. You must have been bitten soft.

615. Otherwise, you would have changed

616. immediately after it happened.

617. However, now you will change upon the next full moon,

618. tonight.

619. Call me, my son.

620. I can help you.

621. I don't need your help.

622. You will when the moon rises.

623. You will.

624. Tonight, the moon will be full.

625. You will change.

626. You're— you're crazy.

627. Even a wrist that is strong and firm

628. and holds up straight by day may become

629. limp when the moon is full and the queerwolf comes your way.

630. - You're still crazy. - Ah!

631. Ah. Oh.

632. Tonight, the moon will be full.

633. You will change.

634. Baby, what's wrong?

635. Nothing.

636. It's not nothing.

637. I can tell when you're upset.

638. Now, what is it?

639. Someone's out to drive me crazy.

640. Why would anyone want to do that?

641. I don't know, but it's happening.

642. The girls and I going to go see a movie.

643. Wanna come?

644. Oh yeah?

645. What are you going to see?

646. No, thanks.

647. Well, I don't know if I want to leave you like this.

648. I'll be fine.

649. Listen, go out with the girls.

650. Have a good time.

651. You sure you'll be all right?

652. Yeah.

653. I love you.

654. I'll be home early.

655. I'm a man.

656. That's what I am.

657. I'm a man.

658. I'm a man.

659. I am what I am, which is a man, the manliest of men.

660. Yeah. Ooh.

661. I spell it M

662. uh, A— A—

663. N, man.

664. It's what I am.

665. I'm a man.

666. I'll say it again and again.

667. Man.

668. I'm a man.

669. I ain't a woman, no.

670. I ain't a dog.

671. I ain't a ham.

672. I'm a man.

673. I'm a man, man, man.

674. Man.

675. I'm a man.

676. That's what I am.

677. Man.

678. Wait for me.

679. - Hello? - Hi, honey.

680. How are you feeling?

681. I'm fine, thanks.

682. That's good.

683. Whatcha doing?

684. I'm watching this awful movie on television.

685. Well, I'll be home in a couple of hours.

686. We're going to get something to eat after the show.

687. You want anything?

688. Uh, no.

689. Thanks anyway.

690. You sure?

691. Yeah, I'm fine.

692. OK, see you later.

693. - Love you. - I love you too.

694. Ah.

695. Oh, man.

696. Oh, no more Mexican food.

697. Oh, this— ugh.

698. Oh, man.

699. Uh.

700. Oh.

701. Oh my god.

702. Oh. Uh.

703. Where the hell am I?

704. Excuse me.

705. I seem to have lost my clothes.

706. No shit, Peewee.

707. Do you have a lost and found or anything like that?

708. Help yourself.

709. Where did he go?

710. Did you call a missing persons?

711. Of course I called missing persons.

712. He's not missing long enough to be a missing person.

713. I think he left me.

714. Oh, he wouldn't just leave.

715. Besides, his clothes are still here, aren't they?

716. Yes.

717. Well, then, he couldn't have left you.

718. Cheer up.

719. Maybe he was just an accident or something.

720. Hi, honey.

721. I'm home.

722. Larry.

723. Oh.

724. Hi, Gina.

725. Lawrence.

726. Well, you two have a lot to talk about.

727. I'll see you later.

728. Yeah.

729. Hey, there's my little guy.

730. Let's see what we have to eat in this house.

731. I'm starving.

732. Larry, don't have anything to say to me?

733. Yeah, where's the mayonnaise?

734. Bottom shelf.

735. Where were you all night?

736. You tell me, and we'd both know.

737. All I remember is getting sick, blacking out,

738. and waking up in a men's sauna.

739. I didn't have any money, any clothes, and my back hurt.

740. I see. And?

741. And that's it.

742. You and Dick were out cruising again, weren't you?

743. You met a girl, and you spent the night in a motel.

744. How can you even say that?

745. I don't even remember what I did last night.

746. I'm sorry, Larry, but I just don't believe you.

747. Look, honey, I really, really care about you,

748. more than you will ever know.

749. Right.

750. I don't need to cruise anymore.

751. I never even liked it before.

752. Please tell me where you were.

753. Damn it, honey, I don't know.

754. So you understand how this works, Mr. Richardson?

755. Now, the pump you see here will automatically

756. send an ounce of booze down your throat every few seconds.

757. While that happens, I'll have you sniff

758. a pair of my dirty white socks.

759. This will correlate drinking with something bad.

760. Got it?

761. Mhm.

762. OK, let's begin.

763. Excellent.

764. Very good.

765. Hey, buddy, where you been all night?

766. I need to talk to you.

767. - So talk to me. - Now.

768. Do I seem strange to you in any way?

769. Certainly.

770. No, I'm serious.

771. So am I.

772. Dick, I don't know where I was last night.

773. So what?

774. I hardly even know where I am today.

775. You would not believe what I woke up to this morning.

776. Have you seen some of my dates?

777. I woke up in a men's sauna naked.

778. Men were sitting across from me and smiling.

779. Do you need a membership for that?

780. Dick, you're not listening to me.

781. I was naked, and men were smiling at me.

782. - So what? - I don't know.

783. I— I feel maybe I could have— you know.

784. Ah, get out of here.

785. How can you be so sure when I'm not even sure about myself?

786. You couldn't have done anything to those guys.

787. Yeah?

788. Well, one thing, they were all sitting, weren't they?

789. Thanks a lot, Dick.

790. I gotta go.

791. Yeah, wait a minute.

792. I'll go with you.

793. Just let me finish up here with Mr.--

794. Well, wasn't he a lot slimmer before?

795. Nah.

796. Ah, come on, let's just leave him alone.

797. I swear he was a lot slimmer— maybe 50, 60 pounds,

798. but he was a lot slimmer.

799. I don't know, Dick.

800. I think I'm losing my sanity.

801. Ah, go on.

802. You've had a lot on your mind lately.

803. I mean, let's face it.

804. You had a traumatic experience the other night.

805. Yeah, but is there any reason to black

806. out and wake up in the middle of a men's sauna?

807. Happens all the time.

808. Listen, if you were some screaming fruit,

809. don't you think your best buddy would know about it?

810. Yeah, I guess.

811. Well, your best buddy doesn't know about it, so you ain't.

812. Now, do you understand?

813. Mm, yeah, I guess you're right.

814. All right.

815. Ohhh.

816. Oh, you son of a gun.

817. Oh, you really had me going there.

818. Look, Dick, you mind if I cut out?

819. I'm not feeling very well.

820. Yeah, that's OK.

821. Where are you going to go, back to work?

822. Nah, I'm gonna go home.

823. I— I just can't keep anything on my mind.

824. Mm.

825. I'll see you later.

826. Hey, you want to do something tonight?

827. No!

828. OK, no problem.

829. I just want to be alone.

830. Has Lois been more demanding of you?

831. Lois?

832. No.

833. That's it.

834. That's why you're behaving so strangely.

835. Lois is going to drive you crazy.

836. When are you going to kick her out?

837. Kick her out?

838. Well, she's got you're questioning your manhood.

839. Only a woman can do that to a guy.

840. I'll talk to you later.

841. Hey, she'll drive you nuts, pal.

842. You've got to do it.

843. Shit or get off the pot.

844. Well, what are you going to do?

845. Right now, I'm constipated.

846. These have been arriving for you all day.

847. Hello.

848. Hello, Larrykins?

849. Uh, this is Larry.

850. Hiya, bouncy-bouncy.

851. I'm sorry, what?

852. Is this 447-9749?

853. Yeah, who is this?

854. Is this Lawrence Smalbut?

855. Yes, who is this?

856. This doesn't sound like Lawrence Smalbut.

857. Who is this?

858. - Tony. - Tony?

859. We met on Santa Monica Boulevard last night.

860. Don't you remember?

861. No.

862. Hello?

863. Larrykins?

864. Think you owe me an explanation.

865. Hello?

866. Is this Snookie Buns?

867. Hello?

868. I don't believe this is happening.

869. Believe what?

870. Yeeowww!

871. Who is it?

872. You're a fortune teller.

873. You don't know?

874. Don't be smart ass.

875. You want in or not?

876. Lawrence Smalbut.

877. Who?

878. The guy that ran into you yesterday,

879. - the queerwolf. - Ah.

880. Enter, my son.

881. Sit. Sit.

882. No, not there... that's for company—

883. over there.

884. - Why have you come? - Well, I—

885. Eh. Say no more.

886. You changed last night, huh?

887. I think I did.

888. You think you did, huh?

889. All right, I did. I did.

890. I told you so.

891. I told you so.

892. Look, can you help me or not?

893. Mm.

894. Ah.

895. Do you mind?

896. I see death.

897. Oh my god.

898. Ooh, much death.

899. - No. - Yes.

900. Me?

901. Dogs.

902. Oh.

903. I see many men, very many men.

904. Ooh, I see them bending over and then—

905. OK, OK, enough about that.

906. Can you help me or not?

907. Since you bear the sign of the pansygram,

908. you will always be destined to switch upon the full moon.

909. No, I can't go on like that.

910. Death is a ready alternative.

911. Death?

912. Death.

913. However, a queerwolf cannot be killed by conventional means—

914. not buy a club, not by knife, not even by a gun.

915. There is only one way to kill a queerwolf.

916. And— and how's that?

917. This will give you eternal peace.

918. You're kidding.

919. When the moon is full and yours is too,

920. this must be placed where never was the sun to shine, where

921. it is dark and quiet, where no man

922. was ever to have gone before.

923. You mean in the ass?

924. Well, if you want to talk dirty.

925. That's barbaric.

926. I guess so.

927. And it's hard to find anyone

928. to polish these afterwards.

929. I don't want to die.

930. Believe me, you get one of those things up your ass,

931. you'll want to die.

932. You said you could help me.

933. Is that how you help me, by telling me how to end it all?

934. I'm simply displaying your options.

935. Options?

936. What other options do I have?

937. So long as you keep this around your neck,

938. you will be protected from the curse of the queerwolf.

939. Why didn't you show me this before?

940. I just remembered.

941. You just remembered?

942. What, you think a queerwolf comes to my house every day?

943. Wear this day and night, especially

944. if there is to be full moon.

945. As long as you believe in what he stands for,

946. you will remain manly.

947. Do you believe in him.

948. Oh, I believe.

949. I believe.

950. Do you believe in what he stands for?

951. I believe.

952. I believe.

953. And what does he stand for?

954. Truth, justice, and mom's apple pie.

955. Exactly.

956. - Now remember, never take it off. - Never.

957. No, never.

958. When you swim, when you shower, when you make yaha,

959. always keep this on.

960. Otherwise, you will continue to suffer

961. the tortures of the poofters.

962. Larry, what are you looking at?

963. I'm waiting for the moon to rise.

964. Very romantic, dear, but, uh, don't you

965. think it'll rise whether you're watching for it or not?

966. I don't want to miss it.

967. And when it does, if anything happens to me,

968. don't let me leave the house.

969. Got it?

970. Whatever you say, Larry.

971. I'm a man.

972. Guess that makes me a woman.

973. Whatever the moon's doing to you, keep it up.

974. That's exactly what it's doing.

975. Ignore it.

976. It might be important.

977. Whoever it is, I'll send them away.

978. Hurry back.

979. I'm a man. I'm a man.

980. I'm a man!

981. I'm a man!

982. We'd like to speak with Mr. Smalbut.

983. May I ask why?

984. We have reason to believe he's developed

985. - some sort of a rare disease. - Really?

986. We use protection.

987. That's not the kind of disease I was referring to.

988. Oh?

989. Perhaps if we speak to Mr. Smalbut,

990. we can straighten this thing out.

991. Hurry, honey.

992. - Winky misses you? - Winky?

993. Wimpy talk.

994. I've got to go.

995. We were busy.

996. My dear, Satan is loose in this house.

997. If he is, he does his own cleaning.

998. Enough of this nonsense.

999. Push your way in.

1000. I'm sorry, ma'am.

1001. Jesus Christ!

1002. Let's go the back way.

1003. Something's going on in there.

1004. Yeah.

1005. Holy shit.

1006. Father.

1007. The woman's probably one too.

1008. Saints preserve us all.

1009. - Let's kill the poofies. - Well, wait.

1010. They're not going anywhere.

1011. Yeah, yeah, he's right.

1012. Let's wait till they go to sleep.

1013. Father.

1014. Just making sre you all leave.

1015. Wake up. It's time to go to war.

1016. Wake up.

1017. - Get your weapon ready. - Ready.

1018. Let's kill the poofies.

1019. Leave that.

1020. Aw, sh—

1021. Shh, shh, shh.

1022. Jesus!

1023. What the hell are you doing?

1024. Putting an end to the curse.

1025. Kill the poofy.

1026. What— what curse?

1027. Kill the poofy.

1028. The curse of the queerwolf.

1029. - Get out of my house. - Wait a minute.

1030. He can't be a queerwolf.

1031. He can't?

1032. Why not?

1033. The moon is full, and he don't look fruity.

1034. But that one does.

1035. Kill the poofy.

1036. - Hey, you get— you can't— - Poofy?

1037. I'm a woman.

1038. You may be crafty enough to fool

1039. everybody else, but not me.

1040. She is a woman, you fools.

1041. Leave her alone!

1042. Oh.

1043. Larry!

1044. Take your slimy, perverted hands off of her.

1045. Oops.

1046. - Uh, let him go. - Let him go?

1047. We haven't even killed the other one yet.

1048. Let him go.

1049. Are you all right?

1050. Larry, you have some strange friends.

1051. I think it's all behind us now.

1052. Ow!

1053. Your chain— will you get rid of this thing?

1054. Look, I have to wear this for the rest of my life.

1055. Please don't touch it anymore.

1056. My god, are you involved in some sort

1057. of religion or something?

1058. No, nothing like that.

1059. Well, why was there a priest at our house tonight?

1060. Look, I'm not involved in any sort of religion.

1061. My problem is not quite as disastrous as that.

1062. Good.

1063. Oh, baby, I love you.

1064. I love you too.

1065. Hello?

1066. Mr. Smalbut?

1067. Yeah?

1068. Yeah, I'm calling in regards to what happened last night.

1069. What about it?

1070. Well, me and the guys feel real

1071. bad about the inconvenience we put you through.

1072. And well, we'd like to make it up to you.

1073. You really can make it up to us by not calling here anymore.

1074. No, wait, please.

1075. Well, we'd like to take you out to dinner

1076. tonight to anywhere you like on us.

1077. What do you say?

1078. - You want dinner tonight? - Mm.

1079. Sure.

1080. You've got a date.

1081. Splendid.

1082. OK, well, we'll pick you up at 7 o'clock,

1083. and then we can decide from there.

1084. Sure you know what you're doing?

1085. Tonight, the moon will be full again.

1086. I have to be sure.

1087. At the very least, it'll smooth out

1088. any hard feelings on his part.

1089. So you could understand why we would jump

1090. to conclusions like we did.

1091. Dickinthropy is a very serious disease.

1092. Oh, I'll be not as serious as dickinthrope

1093. with hemorrhoids.

1094. Listen, we really appreciate you guys not pressing charges.

1095. It would have been most embarrassing.

1096. Yeah, well, for me too.

1097. Publicity like that could really hurt my reputation.

1098. I'll bet nothing could hurt your reputation.

1099. Oh, geez.

1100. Does, uh, something out there fascinate you?

1101. Oh, no.

1102. No, no.

1103. I'm just admiring the designs of the windows the restaurant has.

1104. Uh-huh.

1105. More wine, anyone?

1106. I'd love some.

1107. This is a stickup.

1108. Nobody move.

1109. Give me your money.

1110. Give me your purse.

1111. All right, everybody, do what you're told,

1112. and you won't get hurt.

1113. OK, folks, let's have the money, all of it, right now.

1114. - Let's start with you, fur face. - Yes, sir.

1115. Here you go.

1116. What about yours?

1117. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Thank you.

1118. Come on, blondie, let's have the wallet.

1119. Nice watch.

1120. - Thanks. - Let's have it.

1121. Pretty sharp medallion.

1122. The Duke, huh?

1123. - Hand it over. - No.

1124. Did you hear what I said?

1125. Yes, sir, I did.

1126. So then, let's have it.

1127. This means too much to me.

1128. More than your brains?

1129. Larry, give it to him.

1130. I can't give it up.

1131. This has great sentimental value.

1132. OK, pal, kiss your sentimental value goodbye.

1133. However, a queerwolf cannot be

1134. killed by conventional means—

1135. not by a club, not by a knife, not even by a gun.

1136. Not even by a gun.

1137. Not even a gun.

1138. Look, this flashback is over.

1139. What more do you want me to say?

1140. I can't be hurt.

1141. Give me that gun.

1142. Give them their money back.

1143. Holy shit, he's Superman.

1144. Get down to the floor, all of you.

1145. Call the police.

1146. That's a roger.

1147. Were you scared, Mr. Smalbut?

1148. Courage is my middle name.

1149. What about the rumor that you were shot at point blank range?

1150. Well, that's just a rumor.

1151. The bullet never even grazed me.

1152. You must be very proud of him.

1153. Oh, I am.

1154. Uh, could we get a couple of pictures of Mr.

1155. Smalbut alone?

1156. Hey, he's my man.

1157. At any time, did you feel your life was in danger?

1158. Honey, when I saw that man put that long thing in front

1159. of my face, I knew that one of us

1160. would have more than he can handle.

1161. Are you all right, Mr. Smalbut?

1162. I'm better than all right, Charlie.

1163. I'm superb, marvelous, tight and taught,

1164. huggable, squeezable, thoroughly undiseasable.

1165. You know what I mean, honey?

1166. Mm.

1167. You know you're wearing women's clothing?

1168. Tough titties.

1169. You're probably wearing men's underwear.

1170. Ah.

1171. Ooh.

1172. How do you feel about women?

1173. Now, why would I want to feel a woman?

1174. Now, you, on the other hand, I'd really

1175. like to cuddle up with you on a cold winter's evening.

1176. Give me the weapon.

1177. - He's a queerwolf. - Wait.

1178. Wait. Wait.

1179. What are you doing?

1180. Treat me like a lady!

1181. Ah!

1182. - Oh, get away. - Ow.

1183. - Ow! - Ooh.

1184. - Oh. - Oof.

1185. Oh, leave me alone.

1186. Larry, what is the meaning of this?

1187. It means leave me alone.

1188. Nice jacket.

1189. - Satin? - No.

1190. OK.

1191. Let's kill the poofy.

1192. Mm.

1193. They're queer.

1194. Nice scarf.

1195. Run, Mr. Smalbut, run.

1196. Oh!

1197. What excitement.

1198. Ooh, are all your dinners always this wild?

1199. Oh, you should see my breakfasts.

1200. C'mon, Dick.

1201. - Hey, hey, hey. - Wait.

1202. What's going on?

1203. Where are we going?

1204. Hey?

1205. Going someplace, cutie pies?

1206. Be gone, Satan.

1207. My name's Enrique.

1208. And I think it's time to party!

1209. Forget them. They've been bitten.

1210. What about you, Father?

1211. God cannot be weakened by a queerwolf.

1212. Whatever shall we do now?

1213. Let's cruise Sunset Boulevard.

1214. Have you seen anything yet, Father?

1215. Nothing yet.

1216. We're up against a terrible plague, Father.

1217. I saw it happen to my son, as well as

1218. others that were close to him.

1219. If we're not careful, this evil could spread across the land.

1220. What do you think, Father? I don't know, Father.

1221. I think sometimes this evil's more

1222. widespread than we can cover.

1223. I feel no one is immune.

1224. What do you think, Father?

1225. Father, what do you think?

1226. Father, what do you think?

1227. God's will.

1228. Oh, donuts and for biscuits.

1229. Oh, donuts.

1230. Dominus for biscuits, lox and cream cheese.

1231. Muddyooch!

1232. Oh, my tormented son.

1233. What are you doing here?

1234. You broke the medallion, huh?

1235. How did you know?

1236. Muddyooch sees all?

1237. This is Reverend Padonce.

1238. - He can cure you. - Cure?

1239. There is no cure.

1240. Ah, that's what I had believed until I sought him out.

1241. How can he cure me if you can't even cure me?

1242. It's quite simple, you see.

1243. Reverend Padonce is a fagxorcist.

1244. A what?

1245. Are you sure this is going to work?

1246. Of course, I used to tie knots for Gypsy Club of America.

1247. No, not the knots...

1248. what he's going to do.

1249. Have faith.

1250. Well, why do you have to tie me up?

1251. I mean, I like it, but—

1252. In this state, you could become very dangerous.

1253. What state?

1254. Let us begin.

1255. The power of Budmeiser compels you.

1256. Ow, it stings.

1257. Hey, now, you cut that out.

1258. Limpo wristo tutto mucho macho.

1259. Oh, stop that! Oh!

1260. Power of Bogie compels you.

1261. Power of Burt compels you.

1262. The power of Rhett compels you.

1263. Oh!

1264. The Real Thing compels you.

1265. No, not The Real Thing!

1266. I pity the fool that don't compel you.

1267. The Duke compels you!

1268. Not The Duke!

1269. Ah!

1270. Keep it secured.

1271. Huh?

1272. Ugh.

1273. That's gross.

1274. - Hold him down! - No!

1275. Ugh.

1276. Any other ideas?

1277. Aw, you son of a bitch, evil spirit.

1278. Come into me.

1279. Come into me, I say.

1280. Well, I mean, ever since then, he's been, well,

1281. you know, what I mean— more or less

1282. confused about his masculinity.

1283. So have I.

1284. Ah, come on.

1285. I mean, don't you think if Larry were really

1286. a raving fruit, don't you think his best

1287. buddy would know about it?

1288. Come in to me.

1289. Come in to me.

1290. Do it now, damn you.

1291. Do it!

1292. I've been wrong before.

1293. Larry!

1294. 'Scuse me.

1295. Tralalalaladeeda.

1296. Larry, wake up.

1297. I need—I need—

1298. Speak to me.

1299. Snap out of it.

1300. What's the matter?

1301. Uh.

1302. Auntie Em.

1303. Auntie Em.

1304. Larry, what's the matter with you?

1305. Where am I?

1306. You're home.

1307. I'm not a homo!

1308. How's it going, buddy?

1309. What time is it?

1310. It's after midnight.

1311. Why?

1312. Is it still a full moon outside?

1313. Yeah, it's still out there.

1314. You know, this is the fourth night

1315. - in a row we've had a full moon. - Poetic license.

1316. I'm cured!

1317. Huh?

1318. I'm cured!

1319. Ah, so what?

1320. I've been cured lots of times.

1321. No, you don't understand. I'm cured!

1322. Hey, don't mind us.

1323. We'll show ourselves out.

1324. Hey, you guys know you've got a dead gypsy on the floor?

1325. Oh, god.

1326. Oh, Lois, I love you.

1327. I love you too, Larry.

1328. Oh, Lois, my life has changed so much in the last few days.

1329. It's made me realize I never want to lose you.

1330. Having you by me makes me feel complete.

1331. I need you to be with me forever.

1332. Oh, Larry, let's get married.

1333. Don't press your luck.

1334. Larry Smalbut?

1335. Yes?

1336. Police Detective Morose, homocide.

1337. Hom— hom—

1338. I have a warrant

1339. for your arrest for the murder of Madame Muddyooch.

1340. M-m-m-murder?

1341. I didn't murder her.

1342. Well, we dusted her head

1343. and found your fingerprints there.

1344. That's true.

1345. But it wasn't me.

1346. You see, I had this affliction.

1347. And what was happening was...

1348. You just tell it to the judge.

1349. It wasn't me.

1350. This court finds you guilty of voluntary gypsy

1351. slaughter.

1352. Do you have anything to say before sentencing?

1353. It wasn't me.

1354. I couldn't help when I was doing.

1355. You have to believe me.

1356. I wasn't myself.

1357. Mr. Smalbut, this court sentences

1358. you to the state penitentiary for a term

1359. not less than four years.

1360. Four years?

1361. I was another person.

1362. OK, two years apiece.

1363. Please, let me out.

1364. You've got to believe me.

1365. It wasn't my fault. It was a curse.

1366. I was a queerwolf, but... but I'm better now, really!

1367. God, it's dark in here.

1368. What's— what's that noise?

1369. Anybody here?

1370. Howdy, stranger.