1. Oh, come on
Copy !req
2. Save room for my love
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3. Save room for a moment to be with me
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4. Save room for my love
Copy !req
5. Save a little
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6. Save a little for me
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7. Oh, I'm so full.
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8. You were right,
I shouldn't have eaten all that bread.
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9. Want to split a dessert?
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10. You okay? You seem a little off.
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11. Yeah, I'm just trying to think about
what I want.
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12. Yeah, me too.
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13. Why don't we just say it at the same time?
One, two, three...
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14. - I want a divorce.
- Crème brûlée.
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15. - You can't get away.
- Aah!
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16. It's okay, that's my fault.
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17. Come on, let's get you to bed
before your parents get home.
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18. No puppy eyes, you little maniac.
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19. Go brush your teeth.
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20. Aren't you gonna say anything?
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21. Almost 25 years of marriage
and you have nothing to say?
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22. Robbie.
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23. Hey, Robbie, have you seen
Molly's homework?
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24. Get out.
- Oh, my God.
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25. Close the door.
Um...
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26. Okay, Robbie, I'm really sorry,
and I didn't see anything.
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27. Oh, my God.
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28. You're not talking, and you know
that only makes me talk more.
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29. But maybe that's good, you know?
Because maybe I'll just say it.
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30. Maybe... Maybe I'll just tell you
I slept with someone.
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31. David Lindhagen. From work.
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32. - You met him at the Christmas party.
- Please stop.
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33. The last person in the world
I'd wanna hurt is you.
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34. If you keep talking, I'm gonna get out.
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35. I think the fact that I did it,
it just shows how broken we are.
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36. - Okay.
- How much we really... Cal.
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37. Oh, my God! Cal!
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38. Are you okay?
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39. I'll leave tonight. I'll sign whatever you want.
Just please stop talking about it.
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40. Okay.
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41. I'm sorry you had to see that.
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42. No, you know, I should have knocked.
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43. Just for the record,
I think about you while I do it.
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44. - Robbie.
- I have this picture of you...
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45. and I look at it the whole time.
- Stop it.
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46. I love you, Jessica.
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47. I am actually begging you to stop it.
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48. And I know you're 17,
and I know I just turned 13...
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49. which is the same age
as your little brother.
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50. But soon our age difference
won't even matter.
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51. Which is good, because I'm pretty sure
you're my soul mate.
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52. Okay, um...
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53. - Listen, Robbie...
We're home.
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54. - Shit.
- Hey.
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55. Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Weaver, how was...?
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56. Oh, my God. Uh, what happened?
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57. Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce,
and I jumped out of the car.
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58. - Cal. Honey...
Well...
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59. - Kids good? Everybody good?
Dad?
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60. Oh.
- Oh. Hey, I didn't see you standing there.
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61. - You're getting a divorce?
Well, yes.
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62. Uh, so, Jess,
did Molly get through dinner okay?
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63. Yeah, yeah, she's...
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64. - You jumped out of a moving car?
- I jumped out of a moving car.
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65. Did she fight you on broccoli?
- No, she didn't.
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66. She always fights me.
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67. - Sorry you had to find out this way.
- Sorry you jumped out of a car.
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68. - I'm sorry if she fought you.
- It's okay.
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69. I don't have any money.
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70. Uh, sweetheart? Let's go to bed, okay?
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71. Listen, why don't you grab your coat?
I'll drive you home. All right.
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72. I don't care. I love him. I really do.
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73. And, given the opportunity...
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74. Yes, I would have his babies.
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75. Seriously? Conan O'Brien?
You would do Conan O'Brien?
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76. Oh, my God, yes.
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77. Ew. Friend to friend, ew.
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78. I don't know. Your life is so PG-13.
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79. - My life is not PG-13.
- Oh, it so is.
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80. - No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
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81. You've never left L.A. You pass the bar,
you're gonna be what, a patent lawyer?
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82. Probably married to that human Valium,
Richard. I just...
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83. Listen, I worry about you, is all.
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84. So much potential...
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85. and you've resorted to fantasizing
about Conan "Ginger Junk" O'Brien.
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86. - He's funny.
- He looks like a carrot, honey.
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87. Who looks like a carrot?
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88. Hi. Who looks like a carrot?
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89. Conan O'Brien.
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90. My friend Hannah here
thinks he's sexy.
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91. That's weird, I think that your friend
Hannah is sexy.
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92. Oh, my God. You did not just say that.
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93. How old are you?
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94. - What are you, a lawyer?
- Yeah. A little bit.
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95. Come on.
- I know.
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96. - You are? Is she?
- Gonna be.
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97. Don't you think you're a little old
to use cheesy pickup lines?
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98. - Objection. Leading the witness.
- Ha, ha.
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99. You're wearing that
like you're doing it a favor.
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100. - Oh, God.
- That's a line.
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101. Me sitting there for the past two hours not
being able to take my eyes off you is fact.
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102. I mean, there's lots of beautiful women
in this bar. Your friend included. Hi.
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103. I love you.
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104. But I can't take my eyes off of you.
That's a fact, it's not a line.
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105. I find you very attractive.
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106. Do you find me attractive?
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107. - She does.
- I don't.
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108. - Tsk. You do. She does.
- Yes, she does.
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109. - I don't.
- You do.
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110. - You do.
- I don't.
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111. - Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
- No.
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112. - You say no a lot, don't you?
- No.
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113. Oh, boy. Permission
to approach the bench?
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114. Seriously?
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115. Just, come on, let me deliver
my closing argument.
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116. Sure. Proceed.
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117. - Hannah, we live in a physical world, right?
Uh-huh.
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118. - And you're going to age, right?
- Mm-hm.
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119. I guarantee you this:
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120. You're never gonna regret going home
with that guy from the bar that one time...
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121. that was a total tomcat in the sack.
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122. But I can't guarantee
that you won't not regret it.
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123. - That was a double negative.
- You're a double negative.
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124. Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?
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125. Okay. You know what?
It's time to go home.
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126. Really?
- Mm-hm.
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127. That's forward of you, but okay. I'll do it.
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128. I TiVoed Saw III.
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129. So should I get my car or yours?
Should I pull the car around?
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130. You been drinking? I'll drive.
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131. - Liz?
Coming.
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132. - I'll have to call Nanna.
- Huh?
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133. Oh. Noth...
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134. So Stanford, huh?
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135. Good for you. That's great.
I know your dad's really proud.
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136. Yeah. Yeah, he's...
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137. - Are you sure you're okay?
- David Lindhagen, God.
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138. Okay.
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139. I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
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140. It's okay.
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141. Um...
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142. - Mr. Weaver?
- Hmm?
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143. Um...
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144. You're the nicest dad that I babysit...
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145. Of all the, um...
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146. You're really nice.
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147. - That's very nice.
- And, um...
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148. I like Ms. Weaver,
I like her a lot. Okay?
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149. But if she wants to divorce you...
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150. then I think she's batshit crazy.
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151. Mm.
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152. - Sorry.
- Okay. Okay.
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153. I hope this doesn't make you
uncomfortable.
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154. - I've developed, like, a little crush...
- Could you do me a favor?
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155. Would you not mention to your parents
that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know...
Copy !req
156. It's something we wanna tell them
on our own, okay?
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157. Yeah.
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158. Thank you, I appreciate that.
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159. Have a good night.
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160. See you soon
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161. Another vodka cranberry?
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162. I'm sorry. What?
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163. Another vodka cranberry?
- Oh, yeah. Yes, thanks.
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164. It's no surprise
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165. I've been by this place
a million times, never come in.
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166. It's nice, lot of pretty girls.
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167. Nowhere
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168. This is my life
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169. - Hey, guess what.
- What?
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170. My wife is having intercourse
with someone who is not me.
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171. Um, I'm sorry to hear that.
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172. Oh. Thank you. That is very nice
of you to say. Very, very nice.
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173. She just told me.
I just found out, so I'm a little raw. It's...
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174. Ah, okay. Well, you're not listening.
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175. Okay.
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176. You wouldn't ignore me
if I were David Lindhagen.
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177. My wife doesn't ignore David Lindhagen.
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178. She screws him.
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179. Screws him.
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180. They make this, like, gurgling sound,
it's like:
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181. Gay.
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182. - Hey, Cal.
Hey.
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183. Hey.
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184. Oh, I just, uh... I got the report
on the end-of-year financials.
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185. - Good. Good, good. Really great.
- Oh, good.
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186. You killed this quarter.
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187. Okay.
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188. Cal, seriously.
- All right.
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189. - Okay.
Seriously.
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190. Who told you
that Emily and I are getting divorced?
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191. - You're getting a divorce?
- Yeah.
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192. Amy heard you crying in the bathroom.
We all thought it was cancer.
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193. - Oh.
- Thank God, man. Ha-ha-ha.
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194. Yeah, just my relationship.
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195. - Thank God.
- Oh...
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196. Divorce.
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197. - I'm so lucky.
- You are.
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198. - I have to go pick out furniture now.
Okay, okay. You go for it.
Copy !req
199. It could have been cancer, buddy.
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200. Hey, everyone, it's just a divorce.
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201. All right, buddy.
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202. Thanks. Feels good.
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203. Cal? I just wanted to say...
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204. Shit.
Copy !req
205. Can I back that thing
out of the driveway for you?
Copy !req
206. - Oh, no. I'll be fine.
- You have trouble in reverse, is all.
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207. When I get settled, the kids can come
and take a look at my new place.
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208. I think I'm having a midlife crisis,
maybe.
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209. Can women have midlife crises?
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210. In the movies it's always men having them
and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches...
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211. but, you know, I'm not a man.
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212. Be sure to fertilize all this.
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213. We got married so young, Cal.
And now I'm 44.
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214. And it's so much older
than I thought I'd be.
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215. There's a turnoff valve
for the sprinklers over there.
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216. Last week, when I told you
that I had to work late...
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217. I went to see the new Twilight movie
by myself.
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218. I don't know why I did that.
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219. And it was so bad, Cal.
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220. It keeps raining, you might
wanna turn off the automatic setting.
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221. And we haven't been us.
Not for a long time.
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222. And I don't know when you and I
stopped being us.
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223. I mean, do you?
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224. Maybe it's when
you screwed David Lindhagen.
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225. Nobody wants to be alone
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226. The heart beats happy when it has a place
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227. And if it doesn't have a home
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228. It can come into my space
Copy !req
229. So you can be the one I love
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230. I can be the one you long for
Copy !req
231. You can be the one I want
Copy !req
232. Hey.
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233. Sorry I'm late,
I had to pick something up at Macy's.
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234. Oh. Don't even worry about it.
- A chardonnay.
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235. I'm just glad you're here.
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236. Wow.
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237. I don't know. I don't know what happened.
Tough couple of days.
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238. You know
when you don't see something coming...
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239. Claire said I can't be friends
with you anymore.
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240. What?
Copy !req
241. She said we had to choose
between you and Emily.
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242. I chose you.
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243. But she said no.
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244. It's cologne.
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245. Bernie?
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246. - Are you breaking up with me, Bernie?
- There's a gift receipt in there also.
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247. Bernie?
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248. Bernie. Bernie.
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249. I can be the one you long for
Copy !req
250. You can be the one
Copy !req
251. You know a word
that is not used very often anymore?
Copy !req
252. "Cuckold."
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253. I'm a cuckold.
Copy !req
254. David Lindhagen cuckolded me.
He made a cuckold out of me.
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255. He slept with my wife.
Copy !req
256. And I didn't know about it.
Copy !req
257. And that is the definition of cuckoldom.
Copy !req
258. David Lindhagen took my wife
and slept with her.
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259. Thought I did everything right.
Got married, had kids, the house.
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260. What do I get for it? I get cuckolded.
Copy !req
261. David Lindhagen cuckolded me.
He made a cuckold out of me.
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262. Welcome to my spaceship
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263. It's beautiful forever
Copy !req
264. Can you give me five minutes?
Copy !req
265. The heart's a lonely hunter
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266. Interesting.
Copy !req
267. Hey. Jacob Palmer.
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268. - Cal Weaver.
- Let me buy you a drink, Cal.
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269. - Thanks, I have a drink.
- Sit. I'd like to buy you a drink.
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270. Okay.
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271. Guess what.
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272. - My wife is having an affair with...
- David Lindhagen.
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273. David Lindhagen. I know.
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274. - How do I know that?
- I don't know.
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275. I'm a total stranger. How would I know
something so intimate?
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276. - Lindhagen screwing with your wife too?
No.
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277. - Hmm.
You wanna know why I know that?
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278. Okay.
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279. It's all that I've heard, Cal, for the past
two nights. It's all anybody's heard.
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280. You're going around and you're badgering
people with this sad-sack loser sob story.
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281. - I don't understand why.
- I don't need this crap.
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282. - Cal, sit down.
- All right.
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283. Look, I know that it sounds harsh,
but it's true.
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284. And you need to hear the truth. Okay?
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285. Okay.
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286. Cal, would you take that straw
out of your mouth? Please.
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287. That looks like
you're sucking on a tiny schwantz.
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288. Is that what you want?
Is that the message you wanna send?
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289. - No one's thinking that.
Really?
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290. - So permission to speak candidly, sir.
- Uh, think you've already gone there.
Copy !req
291. You're sitting there
with a Supercuts haircut...
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292. getting drunk on watered-down
vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl...
Copy !req
293. and you're wearing a 44
when you should be wearing a 42 regular.
Copy !req
294. Honestly, I don't know if I should
help you or euthanize you.
Copy !req
295. Cal, you got a kind face.
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296. You got a good head of hair.
You seem like a nice guy.
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297. I wanna help you. I'm gonna help you
rediscover your manhood.
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298. Do you have any idea,
like, where you lost it?
Copy !req
299. - A strong case could be made for 1984.
Well.
Copy !req
300. We're gonna find it.
Copy !req
301. We are. I promise you.
Copy !req
302. And I promise you this too, Cal:
Copy !req
303. When we're done...
Copy !req
304. this wife of yours...
Copy !req
305. she's gonna rue the day
she ever decided to give up on you.
Copy !req
306. That's my offer.
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307. You in or you out?
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308. Why are you doing this?
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309. Maybe you remind me of someone.
Copy !req
310. You in or you out?
Copy !req
311. I'm in.
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312. Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?
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313. Okay.
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314. Century City Mall, food court,
3:00, Thursday.
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315. After you, hon.
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316. Good night, fancy face.
Copy !req
317. She will rue the day.
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318. Set you guys up with some snacks
over here. TV's already on.
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319. You okay?
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320. Mm. Yeah. You?
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321. Mm.
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322. Can I tell you something?
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323. Love sucks.
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324. Yeah.
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325. You in love, buddy?
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326. Well, if you must know...
- Ding-dong.
Copy !req
327. - Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by.
- Hey. Yeah.
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328. What is she doing here?
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329. Guys, I have to step out for a couple
of minutes. Okay? All right? Okay.
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330. Mom wants you to stay
while she's out hooking.
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331. - What?
What?
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332. Oh. Um, the place is nice, Mr. Weaver.
Copy !req
333. Thanks.
That's a very generous adjective.
Copy !req
334. - Honey.
I don't need a babysitter.
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335. She's only four years older.
You need to know that.
Copy !req
336. - She needs to know that.
- I know, I know, I know.
Copy !req
337. Man, are you growing up.
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338. Look at him. It's unbelievable.
He's in love already.
Copy !req
339. Oh.
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340. Molly. Say bye to Daddy.
Copy !req
341. - Wait, where are you going?
- I'm taking a class.
Copy !req
342. - That is great, Mr. Weaver.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
343. This is a difficult time for you, right?
And it's important to try new things.
Copy !req
344. Even things that you haven't
considered trying before.
Copy !req
345. Mm-hm. Yup. Molly, I'm going.
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346. Okay. That's my princess. Bye. Thanks.
Copy !req
347. - But wait. Dad.
Bye, guys. See you in a bit.
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348. Hey, Tiger.
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349. - I love you so, so much.
- Jeez, Robbie.
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350. I love you so much. Please?
Copy !req
351. What the hell am I doing?
Copy !req
352. What am I doing?
Copy !req
353. Hey, uh, everybody.
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354. Everybody. Uh, if I could...
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355. Thank you. A little toast.
Copy !req
356. I would like to thank you all for coming
to Hannah Banana's goodbye party.
Copy !req
357. And to my...
Copy !req
358. - ... Hannah Banana.
Ha, ha.
Copy !req
359. You go into your cave
and you study your butt off.
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360. Because if you do, I just know
that you are gonna kick that bar's butt...
Copy !req
361. out of here. You know?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
362. It reminds me of an old story
my law professor told me...
Copy !req
363. Oh, dear God. Cheers, everyone.
Copy !req
364. Cheers.
Copy !req
365. Hey, Liz.
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366. Listen, when my girl here passes...
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367. I'm gonna have another
little celebration right here...
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368. and I hope you can make it,
because it's gonna be a special night.
Copy !req
369. Okay.
Copy !req
370. - Did you hear that?
Hear what?
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371. - You heard that? "Special night"?
Yeah. Yeah.
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372. You think he's gonna propose?
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373. At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not.
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374. Why, do you want him to?
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375. I don't know, he's nice.
Copy !req
376. "He's ni..."? Hannah.
Copy !req
377. He's a sweetheart. Look at him.
Copy !req
378. - He bcc'd you?
- Right, yeah.
Copy !req
379. All right. Hannah, look at you.
Look at you.
Copy !req
380. If you end up with that,
what am I gonna end up with?
Copy !req
381. - Shut up. Come on.
- That shit's depressing.
Copy !req
382. All right. You know what?
I have to not big-sister you. It's fine if...
Copy !req
383. Jesus, really?
Copy !req
384. No. No. Not my life. Not my life.
I'm going. Okay?
Copy !req
385. So call me if you need anything. Bye.
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386. You're awful. Bye.
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387. Thank you for coming.
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388. Um...
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389. - You're late.
- Yeah. Sorry.
Copy !req
390. - Sbarro's?
- No, thanks.
Copy !req
391. Let me ask a question.
How much you got for clothes?
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392. Um...
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393. - What happened to your feet?
- What do you mean?
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394. - These are my 407s.
- Oh, they're 407s.
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395. - Can I see them?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
396. - These offer a lot of support.
- Right.
Copy !req
397. Whoa. Come on.
Copy !req
398. - What, are you in a fraternity?
- Are you insane?
Copy !req
399. You could have hit somebody.
What was that?
Copy !req
400. - I'm asking a question. You in a frat?
- No.
Copy !req
401. - Are you Steve Jobs?
- What?
Copy !req
402. Hold on a second. Are you the billionaire
owner of Apple Computers?
Copy !req
403. - No.
Oh.
Copy !req
404. Okay. Well, in that case, you got no right
to wear New Balance sneakers ever.
Copy !req
405. - Come on.
- Mm... Oh...
Copy !req
406. Okay. All right.
Copy !req
407. One of the best parts
about being a guy your age...
Copy !req
408. Frankly, there aren't many, so you
should really take full advantage of it.
Copy !req
409. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
410. - Is that you can rebuild your entire
wardrobe with like 16 items.
Copy !req
411. Credit card.
Copy !req
412. What?
Copy !req
413. You see, the problem
is that your head has like...
Copy !req
414. Like the proportions
of a Styrofoam peanut.
Copy !req
415. The skin under your eyes is starting
to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sac.
Copy !req
416. It does.
Copy !req
417. Where are your wallets?
Copy !req
418. - I'm set for jeans.
- You're not set for jeans.
Copy !req
419. - These are fine.
They're not fine.
Copy !req
420. - You have a mom butt.
- Why don't we just go to the Gap?
Copy !req
421. You know what? They have a s... Okay.
Copy !req
422. What are you doing?
Copy !req
423. Cal, be better than the Gap.
Copy !req
424. Be better than the Gap.
Copy !req
425. Say it.
Copy !req
426. I'm better than the Gap.
Copy !req
427. - Come on.
- God.
Copy !req
428. - Stop slapping me. Really.
Okay.
Copy !req
429. You're beautiful.
Copy !req
430. He likes to slap me in the face.
Copy !req
431. - What are you doing later?
- Ha, ha. I don't know.
Copy !req
432. - I do.
- Do you?
Copy !req
433. - I know exactly what you're doing.
- Oh, ha, ha.
Copy !req
434. Seriously? Seriously?
Copy !req
435. - You ask her out like that?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
436. And that worked?
Copy !req
437. Yeah.
Copy !req
438. Feeling kind of stupid, but...
Copy !req
439. Wow.
Copy !req
440. Look at you.
Copy !req
441. Feel like I'm going skiing.
Copy !req
442. - Would you sleep with him?
- Jesus. God.
Copy !req
443. - Yeah, probably.
- Wha...?
Copy !req
444. You would?
Copy !req
445. That's... What?
Copy !req
446. What are you even saying?
Copy !req
447. You see what just happened, Cal?
Copy !req
448. Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany
started doubting whether she wanted to.
Copy !req
449. That's the meanest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
Copy !req
450. No. This is.
Copy !req
451. Your wife cheated on you because
you lost sight of who you are as a man...
Copy !req
452. as a husband, and probably as a lover.
Copy !req
453. You're right, that's meaner.
Copy !req
454. Let's talk about how many women
you've been with.
Copy !req
455. - Sexually?
- Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
Copy !req
456. One.
Copy !req
457. No. Not at one time.
Copy !req
458. How many total?
Copy !req
459. Don't say it. Don't say it.
Copy !req
460. We met in high school, okay?
Copy !req
461. Oh, boy. You're kidding me.
Copy !req
462. One woman? That's great.
Copy !req
463. - Emily is beautiful.
- I guess.
Copy !req
464. She was gorgeous.
She was one of those women...
Copy !req
465. that could be wildly sexy
and unbelievably cute all at the same time.
Copy !req
466. We had a little blip senior year...
Copy !req
467. I literally stopped listening at "Emily."
Copy !req
468. I think we should start approaching
women tonight.
Copy !req
469. Are you ready to go?
Copy !req
470. I miss my wife.
Copy !req
471. Hi.
Hi.
Copy !req
472. How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Copy !req
473. I'm great. I'm Jacob. What's your name?
Copy !req
474. - Oh. Amy Johnson.
- Amy Johnson.
Copy !req
475. - I'm Jacob Palmer. How you doing?
- Uh, great.
Copy !req
476. Good.
- I'm Cal.
Copy !req
477. No. Not yet.
Copy !req
478. - Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
479. Keep her company?
Copy !req
480. - I'd be happy to.
- If he gets handsy, let me know.
Copy !req
481. I wouldn't touch you
if my life depended on it.
Copy !req
482. - Uh, what was your name?
- Cal Weaver.
Copy !req
483. Cal Weaver.
- No relation to Dennis Weaver.
Copy !req
484. - Uh... Uh...
- McCloud.
Copy !req
485. McCloud was a show in the '70s
that...
Copy !req
486. You're not talking about McCloud
again, are you?
Copy !req
487. Here we go, huh?
To all of our fallen homeys.
Copy !req
488. Well, I'm the fourth of five sisters.
Copy !req
489. - No. That's boring.
- Oh.
Copy !req
490. Not for your sisters,
but for my purposes, it's not gonna work.
Copy !req
491. - Okay.
- I have this friend.
Copy !req
492. And he thinks that you're way too pretty
to be interesting and that's hogwash.
Copy !req
493. - All right. You wanna get out of here?
- Uh, sure.
Copy !req
494. Giddyup.
Copy !req
495. Am I boring you? I'm totally boring you.
I'm...
Copy !req
496. How are you doing this, like...
Copy !req
497. wildly sexy but unbelievably cute
thing that you're doing?
Copy !req
498. Uh...
- It's weird.
Copy !req
499. - You wanna get out of here?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
500. - Okay.
Cool.
Copy !req
501. So Molly, who's 6 at the time,
can't find Mr. Bobo.
Copy !req
502. We're looking all over.
Copy !req
503. It's in the kitchen.
Mr. Bobo was in the kitchen the whole time.
Copy !req
504. Wanna get out of here?
Copy !req
505. Have a good night.
Copy !req
506. - Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
507. - Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Copy !req
508. - Let's get out of here.
Absolutely.
Copy !req
509. - Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
Copy !req
510. Shit.
Copy !req
511. - You have a second?
- Hey, David. No. Because I'm swamped.
Copy !req
512. You've been avoiding me.
- No. I haven't.
Copy !req
513. You ran in the other direction when you
saw me coming down the hall yesterday.
Copy !req
514. - You're very fast, by the way.
- I ran track in high school.
Copy !req
515. That must be it.
Copy !req
516. Hey, listen, I'm sorry
about you and Cal.
Copy !req
517. - No, you're not.
- No, I'm not.
Copy !req
518. I like you, Emily.
Copy !req
519. Do you have any idea
how much I like you?
Copy !req
520. Hey, David, you know,
I really have a lot to do.
Copy !req
521. I had no intention of falling
for a married woman...
Copy !req
522. but all of a sudden we're having
lunch and I'm this accountant...
Copy !req
523. who's waking up every morning
excited to go to work.
Copy !req
524. And that just does not happen
for accountants. Ever.
Copy !req
525. I checked with other accountants.
Copy !req
526. David, you know what?
You've been a great friend.
Copy !req
527. You noticed last month when I got
my hair trimmed and that was huge.
Copy !req
528. But look, trust me. You know...
Copy !req
529. I am saving you from disaster, because
you're asking to pre-board the Titanic.
Copy !req
530. Do you really want any part of this?
Copy !req
531. Do I really want any part of this?
Copy !req
532. - Emily? Your report's ready.
- Okay.
Copy !req
533. Okay, people. Here it is.
Copy !req
534. The Scarlet Letter
by Nathaniel Hawthorne.
Copy !req
535. A romance set in Salem in the 1600s.
It is about sin.
Copy !req
536. Forced to wear the scarlet A
to punish her adulterous behavior.
Copy !req
537. Dimmesdale's A is inflicted upon himself
in the form of a...
Copy !req
538. Mr. Weaver.
Copy !req
539. Are we interrupting?
Copy !req
540. You wanna talk about
The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty?
Copy !req
541. All right.
Copy !req
542. Well, the A they're both wearing...
Copy !req
543. I think it stands for "asshole."
Copy !req
544. Wanna know why?
Copy !req
545. Because they fell in love...
Copy !req
546. and love is for stupid assholes.
Copy !req
547. And this book is just about
a bunch of assholes...
Copy !req
548. who fell in love, like assholes...
Copy !req
549. then had to die, like assholes.
Copy !req
550. I'm sorry about all the "assholes."
Copy !req
551. You know what else might work?
A swear jar.
Copy !req
552. You know, a quarter per curse word.
Copy !req
553. Yeah, we'll definitely try that.
Copy !req
554. All right. Could help.
Copy !req
555. - Take care.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
556. - Seriously?
- Sorry.
Copy !req
557. Hey, I have to go back to the office.
You're gonna have to wait for me there.
Copy !req
558. Fine.
Copy !req
559. They're still making kids read
The Scarlet Letter, huh?
Copy !req
560. Yep.
Copy !req
561. You'd think somebody would have
written something better by now.
Copy !req
562. I guess I should take that down, huh?
Copy !req
563. I guess.
Copy !req
564. So how is he? You know.
Copy !req
565. I mean, I...
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Forget it. Just ignore me.
Copy !req
566. - Forget I ever...
- He's out a lot.
Copy !req
567. - A lot?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
568. Like...
Copy !req
569. Like "a lot" a lot,
or just like a little?
Copy !req
570. A lot.
Copy !req
571. Well, that's good. That's really good.
Copy !req
572. - Wanna get takeout tonight, honey?
- I mean, he's sad.
Copy !req
573. I can tell that he's sad.
Even though he looks better...
Copy !req
574. I can still tell that he's not happy,
you know?
Copy !req
575. Yeah. Well, you know. Yeah.
Copy !req
576. I guess I'm pretty sad too.
Copy !req
577. I know.
Copy !req
578. I heard you crying the other night.
Copy !req
579. Didn't know what to do.
Copy !req
580. Oh, Robbie, baby, you're 13,
you're not supposed to know what to do.
Copy !req
581. I tried Googling it.
Copy !req
582. - You did not.
- Yep. I did.
Copy !req
583. - Well, what did you Google?
- I searched "Mom crying in bed."
Copy !req
584. What did Google say?
Copy !req
585. Just a bunch of weird videos
of moms in bed.
Copy !req
586. Ugh. Oh, God. Okay.
All right, that's enough. No more.
Copy !req
587. Do those parental controls work at all?
Copy !req
588. They work for me.
Copy !req
589. Because you're a disgusting teenager,
that's why.
Copy !req
590. Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Copy !req
591. - Bill wants to see you before you take off.
- Oh. Uh, David, this is my son, Robbie.
Copy !req
592. Robbie, this is David.
Copy !req
593. - Um, we work together.
- How you doing, buddy?
Copy !req
594. - You all right to wait a little bit?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
595. Okay. Thanks, David.
Copy !req
596. So, Robbie, I hear
you're quite the soccer player.
Copy !req
597. So, David, I hear
you broke up my parents' marriage.
Copy !req
598. - You are David Lindhagen, right?
- Lindhagen.
Copy !req
599. - Yeah. Here's the thing, Lindhagen.
- Hagen.
Copy !req
600. Whatever.
Copy !req
601. In the end, she winds up
back with my dad.
Copy !req
602. He's a better guy than you are
in every category.
Copy !req
603. And she still loves him.
He's not gonna give up on my mom...
Copy !req
604. like I'm not gonna stop
sending Jessica messages...
Copy !req
605. that make her feel uncomfortable.
Copy !req
606. Hey. You ready to go, honey?
Copy !req
607. - Can we order Chinese for dinner tonight?
Yeah. Sure, honey.
Copy !req
608. Hi, David. Get your stuff.
Copy !req
609. - Bye, David.
See you.
Copy !req
610. You're not gonna be able
to feel your arms.
Copy !req
611. I'll be fine.
Copy !req
612. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
613. Look, let's face it, Cal, all right?
Copy !req
614. The war between the sexes is over,
and we won, okay?
Copy !req
615. We won the second women started doing
pole dancing for exercise.
Copy !req
616. But even though we won,
they still deserve our respect.
Copy !req
617. Make them feel beautiful, listen to
their problems, open the door for them.
Copy !req
618. Would you put on some clothes, please?
Copy !req
619. - I'm sorry, is this bothering you?
- No, it's not.
Copy !req
620. My schwantz is in your face.
If it's not bothering you, we got a problem.
Copy !req
621. - Okay, it bothers me.
- I don't care.
Copy !req
622. You gotta take control
of your manhood, pal. You know?
Copy !req
623. You want something, you take it.
Copy !req
624. You don't like something, you say it.
I take what I want.
Copy !req
625. David Lindhagen certainly took
what he wanted, didn't he?
Copy !req
626. And I can guarantee you this:
Copy !req
627. He is opening the car door
for your wife right now.
Copy !req
628. What, you passing out?
Copy !req
629. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
630. - I think you're ready, pal.
- For what?
Copy !req
631. To talk to a pretty lady,
and take her home and show her your gift.
Copy !req
632. No. No, I'm not.
Copy !req
633. You're ready as you're ever gonna be.
Copy !req
634. You play your strengths, pal.
That's all any of us can do.
Copy !req
635. I'm mysterious.
Copy !req
636. I'm, you know, good in bed.
Copy !req
637. And you are a, uh...
Copy !req
638. you know, stable and employed adult.
Copy !req
639. Jesus.
Copy !req
640. You see this lady over here at 9 o'clock?
Copy !req
641. You want me to hit on her?
Copy !req
642. No, I wanna hit on her.
The one behind her.
Copy !req
643. Oh.
Copy !req
644. She's a fox, right?
Mm-hm.
Copy !req
645. You think she came to a crowded bar
to have a quiet drink alone? She's hunting.
Copy !req
646. She's just looking for an opportunity
to settle for a responsible and stable adult.
Copy !req
647. And I'd like her to settle for you.
Copy !req
648. Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost,
but you know what?
Copy !req
649. Just because I've watched you
pick up women...
Copy !req
650. doesn't mean I know how
to pick up women.
Copy !req
651. - Ever see Karate Kid?
- What does that have to do with anything?
Copy !req
652. When he's teaching him to wax on and off
but really to fight?
Copy !req
653. You want me to fight someone?
Copy !req
654. What's the first thing I do
when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.
Copy !req
655. Yes, always. Without fail.
You buy her a drink.
Copy !req
656. Even if she doesn't want one,
you insist.
Copy !req
657. - And do I talk about myself?
- Never.
Copy !req
658. Never about yourself, always her.
Copy !req
659. - Because bar banter?
- Is boring.
Copy !req
660. So you put the impetus on her.
She has to be the interesting one.
Copy !req
661. "Impress me.
Impress me with how interesting you are."
Copy !req
662. It's a big game. Game.
Creepy, creepy little game you play.
Copy !req
663. - That's judgmental, isn't it?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
664. At the end of the night
do I ask them to come home?
Copy !req
665. No, you tell them to come home.
They have no choice in the matter.
Copy !req
666. It is your choice and they are so overjoyed
to have had the opportunity...
Copy !req
667. to make sweet, sweet love to you.
Copy !req
668. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
669. You did, you Miyagi'd me.
Copy !req
670. Honk.
Copy !req
671. Take your ring off. Let's go.
Copy !req
672. Just no talking about your kids, your job,
David Lindhagen, don't you dare.
Copy !req
673. Shut up, shut up. Just shut up.
Copy !req
674. - Hello.
Hi.
Copy !req
675. Hi. Hi.
Copy !req
676. - Who are you?
- Hey. I'm Kate.
Copy !req
677. - Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my...?
- I'm Cal.
Copy !req
678. - I got this. Pleased to meet you.
- Hi.
Copy !req
679. And this is my friend Jacob.
He was just leaving.
Copy !req
680. - Oh.
- Oh.
Copy !req
681. So that's one way to treat people.
Copy !req
682. So can I buy you a drink, Kate?
Copy !req
683. - Oh. No, thank you.
- I'm gonna buy you a drink anyway.
Copy !req
684. Grey Goose, right?
Copy !req
685. Rocks. Two limes?
Copy !req
686. I'm five years sober.
Copy !req
687. - What can I get for you?
- Nothing. Nothing.
Copy !req
688. Go away, we're good.
Please don't come back ever.
Copy !req
689. - Ahem. So, what do you do, Cal?
- I don't know. What do you do, Kate?
Copy !req
690. - I asked you first.
- I asked you second.
Copy !req
691. Seriously, what do you do?
Copy !req
692. Are you really not going to tell me
what you do?
Copy !req
693. Ah...
Copy !req
694. - Uh, okay, I'm a teacher.
- Boring.
Copy !req
695. Come on, you gotta keep it interesting.
Interest me.
Copy !req
696. Uh...
Copy !req
697. - I studied at Oxford for five years.
- Boring!
Copy !req
698. Wow. Teacher with an alcohol dependency
who studied at Oxford.
Copy !req
699. Blah, blah, blah. Bleh.
Copy !req
700. England. Yuck.
Copy !req
701. I think my friends just got here.
Copy !req
702. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
703. - Okay, I'm in corporate insurance.
- Oh, God.
Copy !req
704. I have children, plural.
Copy !req
705. My wife was cheating on me
with Lindhagen...
Copy !req
706. which I wasn't supposed to tell you.
Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
707. - What were you supposed to tell me?
- I don't know. I don't know.
Copy !req
708. I was supposed to say that you are the
perfect combination of sexy and cute...
Copy !req
709. which is actually something
that I used to say to my wife.
Copy !req
710. But now it's become corrupted.
Copy !req
711. And I have 18 layers of clothes on.
Copy !req
712. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie
and a sweater and a suede jacket...
Copy !req
713. that just seals in all the heat.
Copy !req
714. Seals in all the juices.
Copy !req
715. It's all sweat under here.
This is just sweat from here down.
Copy !req
716. This sweater, this is called slim cut,
but it feels like a scuba suit.
Copy !req
717. And I'm looking at your breasts.
What's that about?
Copy !req
718. You think I'm the perfect combination
of sexy and cute?
Copy !req
719. That's what you picked up
from what I just said?
Copy !req
720. Mm, mm.
Copy !req
721. - So this is my crappy apartment.
- Oh. Ooh.
Copy !req
722. Dumpy. That I had to move into
after my wife left me.
Copy !req
723. I love how you're being so honest.
Copy !req
724. - You like that?
- It's so different. It's so hot.
Copy !req
725. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
726. Aah! Ha, ha.
- Wow! Wow!
Copy !req
727. - More.
- Okay.
Copy !req
728. Wanna hear something really hot?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
729. I've only had sex with one woman.
In my entire life.
Copy !req
730. - Honest or not honest?
- That's honest.
Copy !req
731. More! Tell me more.
Copy !req
732. I'm a little worried you have AIDS.
Copy !req
733. Just a little. Just a little bit.
Copy !req
734. It's okay, I'm not worried.
Copy !req
735. Oh, my God, this is so much fun.
Copy !req
736. What do you wanna do with me?
Copy !req
737. Oh...
Copy !req
738. I wanna show you off to my ex-wife
and make her really jealous.
Copy !req
739. Whoa, man.
Copy !req
740. Phew. Ha, ha.
Copy !req
741. You gonna call me?
Copy !req
742. Okay.
Copy !req
743. Yeah.
Copy !req
744. Wow, that is a great dress.
Where'd you get that?
Copy !req
745. Thank you. A store in Beverly Hills.
Copy !req
746. Really? Beautiful.
Copy !req
747. It was a gift from my grandmother.
Copy !req
748. - Really?
It's a Krugerrand.
Copy !req
749. It's from South Africa.
Copy !req
750. I love it.
Copy !req
751. And I told him never to assume
anything.
Copy !req
752. And I've been to Maine, so that's a
sixth state. So I've been to six states.
Copy !req
753. - Oh, I love Maine.
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
Copy !req
754. - Have you been to Waterville?
- I have, yeah.
Copy !req
755. Greece, Italy.
Copy !req
756. Greece, Italy?
Copy !req
757. Wanna get out of here?
Copy !req
758. - You're driving.
- I am.
Copy !req
759. I have never experienced that
in my life.
Copy !req
760. - Pretty great.
- Are most women like that these days?
Copy !req
761. - God bless technology.
- God bless it.
Copy !req
762. I went and met this girl the other night.
She was heckling me the whole time we...
Copy !req
763. I felt like I was doing it with the two
old guys from The Muppet Show.
Copy !req
764. - Ha-ha-ha. Statler and Waldorf.
I was into it.
Copy !req
765. And she was like, "Look at this frown
on your face. What is that?
Copy !req
766. You're so serious. What, it's serious
to kiss me? It's supposed to be fun.
Copy !req
767. Oh, my God, if it's gonna be hard work,
why don't you just stop?"
Copy !req
768. Hello?
Copy !req
769. Hey. Hot guy from the bar
who hit on you is here.
Copy !req
770. Tsk. Liz, I'm studying.
Copy !req
771. You should be studying the ceiling
of his bedroom.
Copy !req
772. I am eating a caramel apple.
Copy !req
773. In what world, honey?
Please, turn around. No.
Copy !req
774. Come on, take a break.
It'll be good for you to get out.
Copy !req
775. And by get out...
Copy !req
776. I mean have hot guy from the bar knock
you into his headboard until you see God.
Copy !req
777. What is wrong with you?
Copy !req
778. You should be studying the curve
of his...
Copy !req
779. Okay, goodbye, Liz.
Copy !req
780. That too much? Hello?
Copy !req
781. Look, I gave him the cologne
like you told me to...
Copy !req
782. and I don't think we should really
just dance on his grave.
Copy !req
783. I just thought you'd wanna know
what I heard about your old pal Cal.
Copy !req
784. What about Mr. Weaver, Mom?
Copy !req
785. Um, just, apparently, Mr. Weaver
has become a real ladies' man.
Copy !req
786. - What?
- Claire.
Copy !req
787. She should know. She babysits for him.
Copy !req
788. She's almost an adult. Lots of young
women in and out of his apartment.
Copy !req
789. She's too young for this.
Copy !req
790. I don't like this S-E-X talk in front
of the K-I-D-S.
Copy !req
791. First of all, they can spell.
Second of all, I'm just saying.
Copy !req
792. I think we were right in choosing Emily.
Copy !req
793. Oh, um...
- Why are you following me?
Copy !req
794. Madison, I just had a question for you.
Copy !req
795. Okay, Jessica, what's up?
Copy !req
796. It's kind of on the personal side.
Copy !req
797. Yep, my lips are:
Copy !req
798. Seals. My lips are seals.
Copy !req
799. Okay. Um...
Copy !req
800. My question, and I don't mean to be blunt
or insulting, but let's just call it what it is.
Copy !req
801. You're always sleeping
with older guys, right?
Copy !req
802. - Always.
Oh, um...
Copy !req
803. So my question for you, Madison,
is, um, how do you do that?
Copy !req
804. I mean, how do you get them to see you
as not just a kid in high school, you know?
Copy !req
805. But as someone that's mature,
and old, and that's...
Copy !req
806. Well, first off, I have a huge rack.
Copy !req
807. Uh, yes, you do.
Copy !req
808. You don't have a huge rack.
Copy !req
809. No.
Copy !req
810. - Wait, how old is he?
- Old.
Copy !req
811. Like really old?
Copy !req
812. - Like parent-old.
- Nasty, Jessica.
Copy !req
813. Yeah, because
that's what I was thinking, right?
Copy !req
814. Rock on.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
815. You are so dirty.
- Yes, I know.
Copy !req
816. Oh, okay. You gotta force his hand.
Copy !req
817. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
818. Go TMZ on his ass.
Copy !req
819. - Not following.
- A dirty picture.
Copy !req
820. - Oh. Oh.
- Make this face:
Copy !req
821. - Jeez, Madison. Stop.
What?
Copy !req
822. You put that on his radar and he won't see
you as a little girl anymore, that's for sure.
Copy !req
823. - Hey, what's going on?
- Hey. We don't know.
Copy !req
824. Behold.
Copy !req
825. Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate.
Copy !req
826. - The love of my life.
Ha-ha-ha.
Copy !req
827. I have marked myself with a scarlet J
for you, Jessica.
Copy !req
828. Get down from there.
Copy !req
829. Nathaniel Hawthorne... Are you mad?
- I am your babysitter. You get down.
Copy !req
830. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
831. - What are you thinking?
- Like the scaffold?
Copy !req
832. Took me like four weeks to make it.
It has wheels.
Copy !req
833. This has got to stop, Robbie.
Copy !req
834. - You'll learn to love me, I promise.
- No, I won't.
Copy !req
835. - Because I'm four years younger?
- Because I love somebody else.
Copy !req
836. Who is he?
Copy !req
837. He's older.
Copy !req
838. And I didn't want my parents to find out.
Copy !req
839. You know I'll kill him if he hurts you.
Copy !req
840. Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
841. Okay, Robbie, this has to stop.
Copy !req
842. Okay? No more.
Copy !req
843. Grow up.
Copy !req
844. I'll see you around.
Copy !req
845. Unh. Okay.
Copy !req
846. Okay.
Copy !req
847. So you're seeing Mom tomorrow
at my parent-teacher thing.
Copy !req
848. Yeah, no biggie.
Copy !req
849. What's with all the moping?
Copy !req
850. Uh, nothing. It's just...
Copy !req
851. There's a girl.
Copy !req
852. - A girl, huh?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
853. You like her?
Copy !req
854. I like Pringles.
Copy !req
855. I mean, this girl...
Copy !req
856. she's incredible.
Copy !req
857. She's my soul mate, you know?
Copy !req
858. She doesn't even care.
Copy !req
859. But she's your soul mate, right?
Copy !req
860. Yeah.
Copy !req
861. Well, you just don't give up on her,
right?
Copy !req
862. Why not? You did.
Copy !req
863. I didn't give up.
Copy !req
864. Okay, it's more complicated than that.
Copy !req
865. I'm a different guy now.
Copy !req
866. You're not different.
You just have different clothes.
Copy !req
867. It's not that simple, kiddo.
Copy !req
868. - What kind of crap is that?
- Watch it.
Copy !req
869. You love her or you don't. I know you do.
Copy !req
870. I'm serious, Dad. I just need some
inspiration right now. All right?
Copy !req
871. Go get her back.
Copy !req
872. Wow, how old are you?
Copy !req
873. Wow.
Copy !req
874. You look great, Cal.
Copy !req
875. Oh. Ha, ha.
Copy !req
876. Well, it turns out I've been buying
the wrong size suit for like 20 years, so...
Copy !req
877. Oh, well, whatever.
You, um... You look great.
Copy !req
878. Thanks. You always look great.
Copy !req
879. Oh, thanks.
Copy !req
880. - So I spoke to Nanna yesterday.
- Yeah, me too. How'd she sound to you?
Copy !req
881. Um... Like Nanna. She worries about us.
Copy !req
882. What teacher is this?
Copy !req
883. Ms. Tafferty. She's the one he pulled
the Scarlet Letter asshole routine on.
Copy !req
884. Mm-hm.
Copy !req
885. God, he's such a weird kid.
Copy !req
886. - I kind of like him, though.
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
887. Yeah, me too.
Glad we switched babies at the hospital.
Copy !req
888. Me too. That other one's in jail, probably.
Copy !req
889. So how's it going with David?
Copy !req
890. Oh, you know, it, um...
Copy !req
891. It wasn't, um...
Copy !req
892. That didn't mean anything.
Copy !req
893. - I mean, you know, if...
- No. No, I know.
Copy !req
894. You seeing anybody?
Copy !req
895. Me?
Copy !req
896. Mm-mm.
Copy !req
897. Oh, you know. Well, you hear things,
you know, so...
Copy !req
898. No. No. Not real...
Copy !req
899. You know me.
Copy !req
900. Yeah, well...
Copy !req
901. No.
Copy !req
902. I miss you, Em.
Copy !req
903. I made an effort when we were younger,
didn't I?
Copy !req
904. I mean, miniature golf and dancing.
You were such a great dancer.
Copy !req
905. I had to be.
You were such a good miniature golfer.
Copy !req
906. I just... I don't know. I guess I got lazy.
I got...
Copy !req
907. I got boring, is what I got.
Copy !req
908. No.
Copy !req
909. And I'm so mad at you.
Copy !req
910. I'm really mad at you for what you did.
Copy !req
911. But I'm mad at myself too.
Copy !req
912. Because I should not have jumped
out of that car. I should've fought for you.
Copy !req
913. Because you fight for your soul mates.
Copy !req
914. Least, that's what my 13-year-old son
tells me.
Copy !req
915. He's a really strange kid.
Copy !req
916. He scares the shit out of me.
Copy !req
917. I miss you too.
Copy !req
918. Mr. And Mrs. Weaver?
Copy !req
919. No way in hell.
Copy !req
920. - Cal, what are you doing here?
- Oh, you two know each other?
Copy !req
921. Yes. Yeah, right. We've met before, yes.
Copy !req
922. - "We have met before"? Seriously?
Mm-hm.
Copy !req
923. So I'd like to introduce you
to my wife, Emily.
Copy !req
924. Hi, I'm Robbie's mom.
Copy !req
925. She's your wife again. How convenient.
Copy !req
926. So shall we enter?
Copy !req
927. - Okay.
- Why don't we?
Copy !req
928. Yeah, let's do that.
Copy !req
929. I'm sorry. I'm playing catch-up.
How do you two know each other, exactly?
Copy !req
930. - Um...
- Um...
Copy !req
931. Maybe your husband should tell you.
Copy !req
932. We... I think we met at last year's
parent-teacher conference, wasn't it?
Copy !req
933. Did I miss it? Did I miss the parent-teacher
conference thing last year?
Copy !req
934. Yeah. I don't remember.
Copy !req
935. Why don't we just, uh, focus on Robbie?
Copy !req
936. Yes.
Copy !req
937. Yes, let's do that. Let's...
Copy !req
938. Let's focus on Robbie.
Copy !req
939. As you know,
Robbie's shining moment...
Copy !req
940. was when he set a school record for
cursing in an eighth-grade English class.
Copy !req
941. Asshole. Ha-ha-ha.
Copy !req
942. You're familiar with this word,
Mrs. Weaver.
Copy !req
943. Yes, I am. And I've spoken to Principal...
Copy !req
944. Asshole. As in someone who tells
a woman that he'll call and never does.
Copy !req
945. Hmm.
Copy !req
946. Asshole. As in someone who uses
honesty to get a woman into bed with him...
Copy !req
947. but is actually full of shit
like the rest of them.
Copy !req
948. - This is not about Robbie.
- Mm-mm.
Copy !req
949. Asshole. As in someone who allows
a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes...
Copy !req
950. because he's nervous.
Copy !req
951. - All right, all right, all right.
- Ew. Ew. Oh.
Copy !req
952. You know what? Know what? No.
Copy !req
953. Here's the deal.
Copy !req
954. - She's an alcoholic.
- Aah!
Copy !req
955. Oh, God. Okay.
That's... I'm sorry.
Copy !req
956. - I'm sorry. God.
I gotta go.
Copy !req
957. Aah!
- Oh, my God. Emily. God.
Copy !req
958. - Emily, Emily, wait.
- Leave me alone, Cal.
Copy !req
959. I'm sober five years, asshole!
Copy !req
960. Okay, yeah, I did. I did.
Copy !req
961. I slept with our son's eighth-grade
English teacher.
Copy !req
962. I know. I know.
Copy !req
963. And I cheated,
so I have no right to be angry.
Copy !req
964. Not the point. When we were
married you were the only woman...
Copy !req
965. that I had ever slept with...
Copy !req
966. and now I have had sex
with nine different women... God.
Copy !req
967. Nine?
Copy !req
968. Wow.
Copy !req
969. You showed me.
Copy !req
970. I wasn't trying to show you.
Copy !req
971. I was trying to move on.
Copy !req
972. But I don't want to.
Copy !req
973. You've always been the only one.
Copy !req
974. Tell her she's the perfect combination
of sexy and cute, asshole.
Copy !req
975. You said that to her?
Copy !req
976. I did, yes.
Copy !req
977. Who are you?
Copy !req
978. I'm your soul mate.
Copy !req
979. What a cliché.
Copy !req
980. You, get over here. Come on.
Copy !req
981. Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her.
Copy !req
982. Aw.
Copy !req
983. I'm so proud of you, baby.
Copy !req
984. I had my doubts, of course.
Copy !req
985. Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would
be a special night if you passed the bar.
Copy !req
986. So, Hannah...
Copy !req
987. I would like to formally ask you...
Copy !req
988. in front of all our friends
and colleagues...
Copy !req
989. if you would like to become...
Copy !req
990. a permanent lawyer at the firm
of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt? Huh?
Copy !req
991. How about that? Ha, ha. To you.
Copy !req
992. Whoo!
Copy !req
993. What?
Copy !req
994. - I ju... Um...
What, what is it?
Copy !req
995. I thought that you were gonna propose
for some reason.
Copy !req
996. What?
- Yeah. I know. I'm just...
Copy !req
997. It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown.
Copy !req
998. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
999. I didn't realize that you thought
that we were there.
Copy !req
1000. Oh, no. God, no. Don't be silly. I just...
Copy !req
1001. I need some time, I think...
Copy !req
1002. to figure out how I feel about us,
you know?
Copy !req
1003. Brrp. Long-term.
Copy !req
1004. You need some time?
Copy !req
1005. You need some time to figure out
how you feel about us? Okay.
Copy !req
1006. Honey?
Copy !req
1007. - Wow. Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha, ha. Wow.
Copy !req
1008. - Ahem.
- Wow. Huh.
Copy !req
1009. Wow.
Copy !req
1010. This is actually really funny.
I'm just... Next level.
Copy !req
1011. - Is this yours? Is this yours?
Yes.
Copy !req
1012. Mm. Mm.
Copy !req
1013. Honey?
Copy !req
1014. - Is this gin?
Yes.
Copy !req
1015. - There's, like, no water in that.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1016. Great.
- Mm. Aah, I hate gin.
Copy !req
1017. Wow, you know what?
Thank you, Richard.
Copy !req
1018. Honestly, thank you very much
for your job offer. I will consider it.
Copy !req
1019. Hannah Banana.
Copy !req
1020. Whoo! Ha, ha.
- Banana. Hannah.
Copy !req
1021. Do you wanna buy me a drink?
Yes.
Copy !req
1022. - It's nicer that way. Right?
You.
Copy !req
1023. You remember me?
Copy !req
1024. Yeah.
Copy !req
1025. - You still find me attractive?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1026. Still wanna take me home?
Copy !req
1027. Yeah.
Copy !req
1028. Let's go.
Copy !req
1029. Just one look
Copy !req
1030. And I fell so hard
Copy !req
1031. Here.
Copy !req
1032. I really like this song.
This was a good choice. Yeah.
Copy !req
1033. - Good song. You never hear this song.
- Mm-hm. Mm-mm.
Copy !req
1034. Love this song.
Copy !req
1035. Cheers.
Copy !req
1036. How good it feels
Copy !req
1037. Ugh.
Copy !req
1038. That's not my drink.
Copy !req
1039. Your love
Copy !req
1040. Mm. Mm.
Copy !req
1041. Ugh.
Copy !req
1042. It's not my favorite. Thank you.
Copy !req
1043. Forever
Copy !req
1044. And always
Copy !req
1045. - So is this how it normally works?
- What?
Copy !req
1046. You put on the perfect song,
you make them a drink.
Copy !req
1047. And I knew
Copy !req
1048. And then you sleep together.
Copy !req
1049. That you
Copy !req
1050. Um...
Copy !req
1051. Yeah.
Copy !req
1052. I'm very nervous.
Copy !req
1053. I'm getting that.
Copy !req
1054. Okay. Because I know I seemed confident
back at the bar...
Copy !req
1055. but that was mostly just
because I was cold and wet...
Copy !req
1056. and trying to be dramatic
a little bit.
Copy !req
1057. You're adorable.
Copy !req
1058. No.
Copy !req
1059. I am sexy.
Copy !req
1060. - I am R-rated sexy.
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
1061. Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13
version of tonight, all right? I know.
Copy !req
1062. It's that I get really drunk
and then I pass out.
Copy !req
1063. You cover me with a blanket,
kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens.
Copy !req
1064. But that's not why I'm here.
Copy !req
1065. I am here to bang the hot guy
that hit on me at the bar.
Copy !req
1066. - Jacob.
- Jacob.
Copy !req
1067. - Are people still saying "bang"?
- I do.
Copy !req
1068. We are gonna bang. Hmm?
Copy !req
1069. This is happening.
Copy !req
1070. - Take off your shirt.
- Why?
Copy !req
1071. Please, will you take off your shirt?
I can't stop thinking. I need to just...
Copy !req
1072. - Okay, okay, okay.
- All right, okay, okay, okay.
Copy !req
1073. Fuck.
Copy !req
1074. Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped.
Copy !req
1075. Can I...?
Copy !req
1076. Aah. You have cold hands.
Copy !req
1077. - Now you take off your dress.
- No.
Copy !req
1078. - Yes.
- No. Not with that going on. No, thank you.
Copy !req
1079. Is there dim lighting somewhere?
Oh, God.
Copy !req
1080. Okay, so then what do we do?
What happens now? Like, logistically?
Copy !req
1081. - What's your move?
- What do you mean, what's my move?
Copy !req
1082. - What's your move? Your big move?
- I got lots of moves.
Copy !req
1083. - What's your big move?
- I'm not telling.
Copy !req
1084. - Tell me your move.
- You're not ready for the big move.
Copy !req
1085. - Yes, I am.
- You can't handle the big move.
Copy !req
1086. - Tell me your big move.
- I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Copy !req
1087. Dirty Dancing?
Copy !req
1088. - Can I sit down, please?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1089. - Can I put back on my shirt?
- No.
Copy !req
1090. Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do?
Do we watch it?
Copy !req
1091. You know the big move at the end where
Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Copy !req
1092. - Yeah.
- I can do that.
Copy !req
1093. - Okay.
- So I tell girls I can do the move.
Copy !req
1094. I put on the song "Time of Your Life."
I do the big move.
Copy !req
1095. And they always wanna have sex
with me.
Copy !req
1096. Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
Copy !req
1097. I agree. But it works every time.
Copy !req
1098. That would not work on me.
Copy !req
1099. Oh, God, this is ridiculous.
I don't wanna do it.
Copy !req
1100. Come on.
Copy !req
1101. This is beyond ridiculous.
Copy !req
1102. - Run and jump.
- No.
Copy !req
1103. - Yeah. Come on.
- No, thank you.
Copy !req
1104. Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go.
Copy !req
1105. 'Cause I've had the time of my life
Copy !req
1106. And I owe it all to you
Copy !req
1107. I've been waiting for so long
Copy !req
1108. Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
Copy !req
1109. Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here
or in the bedroom?
Copy !req
1110. The bedroom is preferred.
Copy !req
1111. Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there.
Copy !req
1112. This pillow...
Copy !req
1113. forms perfectly
to the shape of my head.
Copy !req
1114. Yeah.
Copy !req
1115. Is this one of those foam pillows
from Brookstone?
Copy !req
1116. Yeah.
Copy !req
1117. - Yeah? Oh.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1118. I always wondered
who buys those kind of...
Copy !req
1119. The hot guy from the bar buys these.
Of course.
Copy !req
1120. - Jacob.
- Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that.
Copy !req
1121. Good.
Copy !req
1122. I'm sorry, continue.
Copy !req
1123. You don't have one of those ridiculous, um,
massage chairs, do you?
Copy !req
1124. - You do?
- No.
Copy !req
1125. - Yes, you do.
- Yeah, I do.
Copy !req
1126. - Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
- I don't. I don't. I do.
Copy !req
1127. Who would have that?
I would. I have that.
Copy !req
1128. - How much was it?
- Five thousand dollars.
Copy !req
1129. Ask me how many times I've used it.
Copy !req
1130. - How many times have you used it?
- Twice.
Copy !req
1131. That's $2500 a massage.
Copy !req
1132. Twice.
Copy !req
1133. - Where is it?
- It's in the garage.
Copy !req
1134. Can I sit in the massage chair?
Copy !req
1135. I hate it.
Copy !req
1136. The Home Shopping Network.
But I'm addic... I buy... I'm just the worst.
Copy !req
1137. - Do you have a Slap Chop?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1138. - The knife that cuts through the penny?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1139. - Ha-ha-ha. What else do you have?
- Coin Bears.
Copy !req
1140. Coin Bears?
You don't have Coin Bears.
Copy !req
1141. I have a whole set from each state.
Copy !req
1142. You have 50 Coin Bears?
Copy !req
1143. - They have a coin in their foot.
- You stay up nights.
Copy !req
1144. I am wildly unhappy.
Copy !req
1145. I'm trying to buy it,
and it's not working.
Copy !req
1146. - Were you smart in school?
- A little bossy, yeah.
Copy !req
1147. But I won a spelling bee
and my dad cried at the spelling bee.
Copy !req
1148. - No way. That's nice.
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
1149. - What word did you win on?
- It was so stupid.
Copy !req
1150. I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee.
Copy !req
1151. What, you think coffee and sleep
don't mix?
Copy !req
1152. Well, they do if it's High Point.
It's decaffeinated.
Copy !req
1153. And the flavor is marvelous.
Copy !req
1154. Do you have that mold that makes cakes...?
Copy !req
1155. I have calf pants.
Copy !req
1156. I have pants just for my calves.
Calf pants.
Copy !req
1157. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1158. Could you do me a favor?
Copy !req
1159. - What?
- Will you do me a kindness?
Copy !req
1160. Mm.
Copy !req
1161. Will you ask me something personal
about myself?
Copy !req
1162. Hmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it.
And then we bang.
Copy !req
1163. Yes.
Copy !req
1164. What's your mother like?
Copy !req
1165. My mom is very beautiful.
Copy !req
1166. Um... Very vain.
Copy !req
1167. Very smart.
Copy !req
1168. Cold.
Copy !req
1169. And your dad?
Copy !req
1170. Um...
Copy !req
1171. He died a long time ago.
Copy !req
1172. He was such a sweet guy.
Copy !req
1173. He was probably too sweet.
Copy !req
1174. Very successful in business.
Copy !req
1175. He made a lot of money,
which is why I have all this stuff.
Copy !req
1176. But he was soft.
Copy !req
1177. Just too soft, too sensitive.
Copy !req
1178. And, you know, Dad,
he couldn't really handle my mother...
Copy !req
1179. and didn't really make an effort.
Copy !req
1180. Hey, Jacob, it's Cal.
Copy !req
1181. Where are you?
Copy !req
1182. Remember the first woman I picked up,
that teacher?
Copy !req
1183. Well, I have a story to tell you
about her.
Copy !req
1184. It's been a week. I haven't heard
from you. Should I be concerned?
Copy !req
1185. I am imagining you suffocating
under a pile of women. Call me.
Copy !req
1186. Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again.
Copy !req
1187. Left like a hundred messages.
Copy !req
1188. Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing,
I'm not getting it, so...
Copy !req
1189. Call me back, please. Thanks.
Copy !req
1190. Been to St. Louis?
No, I haven't.
Copy !req
1191. I always dreamt of playing shortstop
for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually...
Copy !req
1192. but I couldn't hit a curveball,
so I did the next best thing.
Copy !req
1193. Yeah, you became an accountant.
Copy !req
1194. Right. Exactly.
Copy !req
1195. I mean, the money's not as good,
but there's less travel.
Copy !req
1196. Mm. Ha, ha.
Copy !req
1197. - I was gonna be a ballerina.
- Really?
Copy !req
1198. So tell me, what is it with women
and ballerinas?
Copy !req
1199. I just pictured myself in the ballet.
Copy !req
1200. It's not like I had
a lot of training or anything.
Copy !req
1201. I mean, I actually never really
had a lesson...
Copy !req
1202. and, um, haven't seen a ballet.
Copy !req
1203. You've never been to the ballet?
Copy !req
1204. - Mm-mm.
Wow.
Copy !req
1205. - I'd love to take you to the ballet.
- You'd love to go to the ballet?
Copy !req
1206. I didn't say that. I'd love to take you
to the ballet. I'd drop you off.
Copy !req
1207. Later on I'd pick you up
and we could go to a ball game.
Copy !req
1208. Oh, I get it.
Copy !req
1209. Ha, ha.
- I had a lot of fun tonight.
Copy !req
1210. You like sushi?
I know this really great little sushi place...
Copy !req
1211. I don't eat sushi.
Copy !req
1212. - That we're never gonna go to
because I hate sushi.
Copy !req
1213. Oh, hi. Hi, Jess.
Copy !req
1214. Uh, this is my work friend, David.
Copy !req
1215. David is an accountant.
Copy !req
1216. David, this is Jessica, my babysitter.
Copy !req
1217. Uh...
Copy !req
1218. So, you know, everything looks great.
Copy !req
1219. Spreadsheets.
Copy !req
1220. See you at work.
Copy !req
1221. Yeah, see you at work.
Copy !req
1222. So how was dinner?
Copy !req
1223. - Oh, well, you know, it was just for work.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1224. - That's a really pretty dress.
- Thank you. What do I owe you?
Copy !req
1225. Do you know that your kids
are the only ones that I babysit for...
Copy !req
1226. that wanna stay awake so that they
can see their dad when he gets home?
Copy !req
1227. Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything
they have to keep their eyes open.
Copy !req
1228. And don't get me wrong...
Copy !req
1229. no, your kids are really excited to see you
when you get home too, Ms. Weaver...
Copy !req
1230. but not a lot wanna stay up for Dad.
Copy !req
1231. Honey, what are you trying to say?
Copy !req
1232. Batshit crazy.
Copy !req
1233. Jessica, uh, what...?
Copy !req
1234. - Let me give you...
- I don't want your slutty money.
Copy !req
1235. Sweetheart, what's the pro...?
What's wrong?
Copy !req
1236. "Slutty money"?
Copy !req
1237. Kids.
Copy !req
1238. Kids. Ice cream.
Copy !req
1239. I knew it. I knew it.
- Yeah. I'll be right back.
Copy !req
1240. Oh, shit. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1241. Hello?
Copy !req
1242. - Hi, Cal.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1243. Um...
Copy !req
1244. So...
Copy !req
1245. I'm just calling, um...
Copy !req
1246. because I'm in the basement...
Copy !req
1247. and I'm trying to get
the water heater working, um...
Copy !req
1248. because the pilot light's out
and I don't know how to relight it.
Copy !req
1249. So I'm sorry to bother you.
Copy !req
1250. No, no. It's fine. That's fine. Call me...
Copy !req
1251. I'm glad you called about this.
Copy !req
1252. - I'll just walk you through it, okay?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1253. All right, so there's a gray door.
You see the gray door?
Copy !req
1254. - Yeah.
- Okay, just slide that down.
Copy !req
1255. Okay.
Copy !req
1256. There's a red button
with the word "push" on it.
Copy !req
1257. I wrote the word "push" on it?
Copy !req
1258. So you push it.
And you turn it to the right.
Copy !req
1259. I got it.
Copy !req
1260. And then just put the match in.
Copy !req
1261. Oh, there it goes.
Copy !req
1262. Just have to slide the gray door
down again and you're good to go.
Copy !req
1263. Oh.
Copy !req
1264. Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate your help.
Copy !req
1265. Oh, you know what? Just call anytime
with stuff like that. That's...
Copy !req
1266. Oh, yeah. Uh...
Copy !req
1267. Yeah. Oh.
Copy !req
1268. Sure.
Copy !req
1269. So I'll talk to you soon.
Copy !req
1270. Yeah, and, um...
Copy !req
1271. Thanks again.
Copy !req
1272. No, that's... My pleasure.
Copy !req
1273. Don't want you to blow up the house.
Copy !req
1274. Bye.
Copy !req
1275. Dad, can we go to McDonald's?
Uh, no.
Copy !req
1276. Why not?
Copy !req
1277. Check it out.
Copy !req
1278. Only reason they play them
is they're catchy.
Copy !req
1279. - Thank you.
Here you go, sir.
Copy !req
1280. Now, does it come in sheets...?
Copy !req
1281. Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8.
Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah.
Copy !req
1282. - Now, this is for my wife.
- Oh. That's nice.
Copy !req
1283. It has curtains.
Copy !req
1284. - Oh, hey, Cal.
Hey, Bernie.
Copy !req
1285. Hi, Mr. Riley.
Hi, Mr. Riley.
Copy !req
1286. - How's it going?
- Oh, good.
Copy !req
1287. I'd love to catch up,
but I'm doing something to the house later.
Copy !req
1288. Kind of in a rush.
Copy !req
1289. Thanks for the cologne.
Copy !req
1290. Do you know if this is chintz?
Copy !req
1291. Hello?
Cal.
Copy !req
1292. - Jacob.
- Oh, my God, it's alive.
Copy !req
1293. Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off
the grid there, pal.
Copy !req
1294. You left me in my hour of need,
my friend.
Copy !req
1295. Yeah, well...
Copy !req
1296. I'm in a bit of a situation.
Copy !req
1297. A pickle, if you will.
Copy !req
1298. - I got no one else to call.
- Ha, ha.
Copy !req
1299. - I met a girl.
- Oh, really?
Copy !req
1300. I'm spending all this time with her
and she is a game changer.
Copy !req
1301. She's a game changer? No way.
Copy !req
1302. So much so I'm going to meet
her mother right now.
Copy !req
1303. A mother and daughter. That's very
Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you.
Copy !req
1304. - What is the matter with you?
- Ha, ha.
Copy !req
1305. I don't know what to do.
I need some advice.
Copy !req
1306. You might actually have to answer
some personal questions about yourself.
Copy !req
1307. You gotta smile a lot.
You've gotta be charming.
Copy !req
1308. Definitely don't be yourself.
Copy !req
1309. That's what you've got for me,
don't be myself?
Copy !req
1310. - Ha-ha-ha.
- Great. Thanks for nothing.
Copy !req
1311. Do you wanna get a?
Copy !req
1312. Do you wanna get a beer next week?
Copy !req
1313. You have my number.
Copy !req
1314. And, you know, don't worry about tonight.
You'll be fine.
Copy !req
1315. - Good for you, by the way.
- See you, buddy.
Copy !req
1316. Honk. You gotta get that fixed.
Copy !req
1317. - Okay. All right.
- Let's go.
Copy !req
1318. Va-jay-jay.
Copy !req
1319. Out of this fourth inning
with just one run in.
Copy !req
1320. He's right on the verge of
a big hit knocking him out of the game here.
Copy !req
1321. He's staying in there,
very competitive today.
Copy !req
1322. No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
Copy !req
1323. No, leave him. Let him go.
He can handle it. Let him go.
Copy !req
1324. Honey! Get out of my purse.
Stay out of my purse!
Copy !req
1325. Do not take those keys! Do not take those
keys! I'm not letting you take those keys.
Copy !req
1326. You're not following your father!
Stop it!
Copy !req
1327. No! No! Let your father handle it.
You're not to see that man again!
Copy !req
1328. That man's a pervert!
Copy !req
1329. - Stay out of it!
- No!
Copy !req
1330. Is that pervert sexting you?
Copy !req
1331. Hey, baby.
Copy !req
1332. What are you wearing?
Copy !req
1333. Dad's here. I have to blindfold you.
Copy !req
1334. - Why? What's he doing?
- Just come on.
Copy !req
1335. Hate this. Bad.
Copy !req
1336. Is this something
I'm gonna have to clean up?
Copy !req
1337. Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going.
Copy !req
1338. Honey, honey, I really can't see.
Mom, I got you.
Copy !req
1339. Two. Right now we're on the ground.
One more step.
Copy !req
1340. - Three.
- Three. Yay.
Copy !req
1341. Mom, no more steps.
We're on the ground.
Copy !req
1342. Mom, relax.
It's your husband, not al Qaeda.
Copy !req
1343. Hi, Em.
Copy !req
1344. Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, please?
Copy !req
1345. - Nope, not yet.
- Oh, what's this?
Copy !req
1346. - I hear you, gigglepuss.
- Do it.
Copy !req
1347. May I have your attention?
Copy !req
1348. Many years ago, in the hallway
of Woodside Middle School...
Copy !req
1349. Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle
for the first time.
Copy !req
1350. Cal, are you seriously gonna do this
in front of the kids?
Copy !req
1351. Mm-hm.
Copy !req
1352. If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to
take her upstairs and put the TV on loud.
Copy !req
1353. All right. Well, we may as well wait
for your daughter.
Copy !req
1354. - She's right here.
- No, no, no. I mean our other daughter.
Copy !req
1355. Hello?
- Nanna.
Copy !req
1356. - Hi, guys.
Hi, sweetheart.
Copy !req
1357. Hi.
What's going on?
Copy !req
1358. Oh, I don't know. Some game.
He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off.
Copy !req
1359. - Cal?
- Is that him?
Copy !req
1360. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1361. - What are you doing here?
- Wait, do you guys know each other?
Copy !req
1362. - What's going on?
- What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1363. Hey, Nanna.
- Hi, Robbie.
Copy !req
1364. - Hey, Nanna.
- Hi, cutie.
Copy !req
1365. Jacob, it's so nice to meet you.
Copy !req
1366. I've heard so many wonderful things
about you from Nanna.
Copy !req
1367. - I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?
I am.
Copy !req
1368. I couldn't say Hannah.
How do you know my dad?
Copy !req
1369. She couldn't say her H's at all.
Copy !req
1370. Okay. I'm having trouble understanding
what's going on right now.
Copy !req
1371. - Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.
No, it's not.
Copy !req
1372. - I was bringing him over to meet Mom.
- No. No. No, no, no.
Copy !req
1373. I wanna see the boyfriend.
- I can't breathe.
Copy !req
1374. Can I take this off?
Copy !req
1375. Cal, what are you doing
with a daughter that's grown up?
Copy !req
1376. I was 17. That's why we had to get
married so young.
Copy !req
1377. - You should have told me.
- Never wanted me to talk about my children.
Copy !req
1378. - Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.
- That's fine. Why don't you go do that?
Copy !req
1379. - Yeah. Can I come?
- No.
Copy !req
1380. So you guys, like,
really know each other, then.
Copy !req
1381. Oh, screw it. This is ridiculous.
Copy !req
1382. - Honey, he's really cute.
- No, he's not.
Copy !req
1383. Look at you. You're really a mother?
I don't believe it, sister.
Copy !req
1384. Let me get this straight.
So you guys are a thing.
Copy !req
1385. You guys are a couple, right?
You guys are together?
Copy !req
1386. - Yeah.
- No way. Break up right now.
Copy !req
1387. - Daddy?
- Please don't call him that.
Copy !req
1388. - Cal, that's not gonna happen.
- Then I will mess you up.
Copy !req
1389. - Dad.
- Cal.
Copy !req
1390. - Cal.
- Jessica?
Copy !req
1391. Bernie?
Copy !req
1392. Daddy, no.
Copy !req
1393. I let her babysit for you,
you son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1394. - She's only 17 years old.
- What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1395. - Oh, God.
No idea what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1396. - Aah!
Bernie.
Copy !req
1397. Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it.
Copy !req
1398. Dad.
Jacob! Oh, God.
Copy !req
1399. Stop it. He didn't do anything.
Copy !req
1400. - He doesn't know.
Is your back okay?
Copy !req
1401. - Know what?
- Know what?
Copy !req
1402. Is this some kind of a skit?
Because I'm lost.
Copy !req
1403. - Argh!
No.
Copy !req
1404. - Aah!
No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy.
Copy !req
1405. He didn't even know
that I'm in love with him.
Copy !req
1406. - With who?
With him.
Copy !req
1407. - You pointing at me?
- You pointing at him?
Copy !req
1408. She's pointing at him? Oh.
Copy !req
1409. Wait. My dad is the older guy
you've been seeing?
Copy !req
1410. - I knew it. You...
- He doesn't know about the naked photos.
Copy !req
1411. - What?
- Jessica.
Copy !req
1412. You made him naked photos? Seriously?
Copy !req
1413. - I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out.
- Timeout, timeout. Hold on.
Copy !req
1414. - But I love her.
- Jessica's the one you're in love with?
Copy !req
1415. Excuse me, Emily?
Copy !req
1416. - You left your sweater in my car.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1417. - Who are you?
- David Lindhagen.
Copy !req
1418. - David Lindhagen?
- David Lindhagen.
Copy !req
1419. Okay.
Copy !req
1420. - Is this a bad time?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1421. - Unh.
- Jacob.
Copy !req
1422. Know how much pain and suffering
you caused my friend?
Copy !req
1423. - Stay the hell away from my daughter.
- Ow.
Copy !req
1424. You stay away from my daughter.
Copy !req
1425. - I don't even know you.
Stop it.
Copy !req
1426. Oh, my God. That is not...
What are you grabbing?
Copy !req
1427. Really? Really?
- Come on.
Copy !req
1428. Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me!
Copy !req
1429. Come on, she's my daughter.
Stop it. Stop it.
Copy !req
1430. I'll kill you.
Copy !req
1431. So...
Copy !req
1432. Okay, wait. Which one of you
is Lindhagen again?
Copy !req
1433. Hagen.
Copy !req
1434. I'm just gonna write,
"Domestic disturbance, all clear."
Copy !req
1435. Thank you, officer.
Copy !req
1436. Just simmer down, okay?
We all have arguments.
Copy !req
1437. But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside.
Keep it in the family, okay?
Copy !req
1438. I will kill you.
Copy !req
1439. Let's go.
Copy !req
1440. - Daddy?
Now.
Copy !req
1441. - Daddy?
- Now.
Copy !req
1442. Cal.
Copy !req
1443. Come on.
Copy !req
1444. Honey.
Copy !req
1445. This guy is a lowlife,
he is a womanizer.
Copy !req
1446. - That's ironic.
- Excuse me?
Copy !req
1447. I know him.
I have witnessed him in action.
Copy !req
1448. - And you are not to see him anymore.
- Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him.
Copy !req
1449. Okay. Okay. Well, then we have
nothing more to talk about.
Copy !req
1450. - You're being unreasonable.
- Get out of my house.
Copy !req
1451. This is not your house anymore.
Copy !req
1452. Well, you made damn sure of that,
didn't you, sweetheart?
Copy !req
1453. - Bye, Nanna.
- Bye, cutie.
Copy !req
1454. She's all yours, David.
Copy !req
1455. - Fantastic.
- Nice.
Copy !req
1456. Go big or go home, right, bud?
Copy !req
1457. Go home, Dad.
Copy !req
1458. Did you see the headline today?
What?
Copy !req
1459. It says that you should call your dad.
Copy !req
1460. No, it says,
"Let's move on child obesity." Ha, ha.
Copy !req
1461. No, it doesn't.
Copy !req
1462. I'm not gonna call him.
- No, it says you really should.
Copy !req
1463. Can I get you another?
Copy !req
1464. - What time is it?
2:30.
Copy !req
1465. In the afternoon.
Copy !req
1466. "Two-thirty" would have been sufficient...
Copy !req
1467. but thank you for the judgmental tone,
cocktail servant.
Copy !req
1468. I'm sorry...
Copy !req
1469. Sorry for being a dick.
Copy !req
1470. Nice sweat suit.
Copy !req
1471. What do you want?
Copy !req
1472. - Uh, can I sit down?
- I don't know, can you?
Copy !req
1473. Are we gonna be adults about this,
or we gonna...?
Copy !req
1474. "Are we gonna be adults about this?"
Copy !req
1475. - It would mean a lot to me if we could talk.
- Are you still seeing my daughter?
Copy !req
1476. - Yes.
- Then I have nothing to say to you.
Copy !req
1477. Been hanging out here a lot?
Copy !req
1478. Sometimes.
Copy !req
1479. You been missing a lot of work?
- I have a lot of vacation days.
Copy !req
1480. You know what? You have a lot of nerve.
Copy !req
1481. Do you wanna do your shot?
Copy !req
1482. She probably spit in it,
so, no, thank you.
Copy !req
1483. Your kids miss you, Cal.
Copy !req
1484. You're hanging out with my kids?
That's great.
Copy !req
1485. Teach Robbie how to objectify women.
He'll love that.
Copy !req
1486. You know it's his eighth-grade graduation
next week.
Copy !req
1487. You gonna go to that?
Copy !req
1488. Of course I'm going.
Copy !req
1489. I just didn't know. You haven't really been
around. I don't think he knows either.
Copy !req
1490. I haven't been around for him?
That's what you're telling me?
Copy !req
1491. You know,
he's not my biggest fan right now.
Copy !req
1492. - He thinks I stole his soul mate.
- He worships you, Cal.
Copy !req
1493. - Is the parental advice over? Because if so...
- I'm in love with her.
Copy !req
1494. I love her.
Copy !req
1495. I don't know what I was doing
before this.
Copy !req
1496. And I don't know what to do about it.
It's not something I can really stop.
Copy !req
1497. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1498. - You love her? You love Hannah?
Yes.
Copy !req
1499. Tell me about it.
Tell me how much you love her.
Copy !req
1500. I'm just...
Copy !req
1501. Look, Cal, it's not something
that I wanted, okay?
Copy !req
1502. I looked at people who were in love...
Copy !req
1503. and I thought
the way that they were behaving...
Copy !req
1504. and the things that they were doing
and saying...
Copy !req
1505. they appeared pathetic, honestly.
Copy !req
1506. And I spent all this time with you,
I'm trying to make you more like me...
Copy !req
1507. and it turns out I just wanna be...
Copy !req
1508. I need that drink.
Copy !req
1509. You gonna make me do this?
I gotta really do this?
Copy !req
1510. I had Hannah when I was 17.
Copy !req
1511. I taught her how to ride a bike.
Copy !req
1512. I taught her how to drive a car.
Copy !req
1513. And I'm glad for you.
Copy !req
1514. I'm happy for you, that you've changed.
Copy !req
1515. I think it's fantastic
that you're a better man.
Copy !req
1516. But I've seen too much already.
Copy !req
1517. - No. I know. I know too much.
I know. I know.
Copy !req
1518. And it's Hannah.
Copy !req
1519. And she's too good for you.
Copy !req
1520. I agree.
Copy !req
1521. I'm never gonna give you my approval.
Copy !req
1522. You're a good dad, Cal.
Copy !req
1523. Yep. Yep.
Copy !req
1524. She spit. She spit in that.
Copy !req
1525. Guys, I need you to pay attention.
Copy !req
1526. Do not cut the line. I need everyone
to stay in your positions, okay?
Copy !req
1527. Guys, check your ties.
Make sure everything is nice and neat.
Copy !req
1528. Ladies, when you're on stage...
Copy !req
1529. Mommy, look. Robbie's name.
Copy !req
1530. Excuse me. Is this open?
Copy !req
1531. How close?
- Yeah, that's fine.
Copy !req
1532. Good afternoon.
Copy !req
1533. Welcome, parents, family and friends.
Copy !req
1534. We're so pleased to have you here
to celebrate this graduating class.
Copy !req
1535. And now, to introduce
our first student speaker...
Copy !req
1536. our very own Kate Tafferty.
Copy !req
1537. - She's pretty.
- Ugh.
Copy !req
1538. Our first speaker is not only
the class salutatorian...
Copy !req
1539. but is also...
Copy !req
1540. one of the most spirited young men...
Copy !req
1541. I've ever had the pleasure of teaching.
Copy !req
1542. Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver.
Copy !req
1543. - Whoo!
- Robbie!
Copy !req
1544. Welcome, class of 2011.
Copy !req
1545. Our time as middle schoolers
has come to an end.
Copy !req
1546. We can't fight it anymore.
We're getting old.
Copy !req
1547. All my life I wanted to grow up.
Copy !req
1548. I wanted to grow older
so people would take me seriously.
Copy !req
1549. It all sounded so good to me.
Copy !req
1550. Growing up, getting a job,
getting married.
Copy !req
1551. But...
Copy !req
1552. it's all a scam.
Copy !req
1553. And love?
Copy !req
1554. That's the biggest scam of all.
Copy !req
1555. I was in love.
Copy !req
1556. And I know that makes some of you laugh
because I'm only 13...
Copy !req
1557. but whatever. I was.
Copy !req
1558. And I used to think, and really believe...
Copy !req
1559. that there was one true love
for everyone...
Copy !req
1560. and if you fought hard enough
for that person...
Copy !req
1561. your one true love
would always work out.
Copy !req
1562. It sounded good to me when I was younger,
but it just doesn't work that way.
Copy !req
1563. - There is no such thing as one true love...
- Stop.
Copy !req
1564. Shit.
Copy !req
1565. - Oh, boy.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1566. All right. Ahem. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1567. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1568. - What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
Copy !req
1569. I was wrong, Dad.
There's no such thing as...
Copy !req
1570. I, uh...
Copy !req
1571. Um...
Copy !req
1572. Oh. Well, here's the thing:
Copy !req
1573. My son's graduation speech sucks.
Copy !req
1574. That's not a joke.
Copy !req
1575. In fairness, I didn't know
where he was going with that.
Copy !req
1576. But I think we can all agree...
Copy !req
1577. it was headed
in a kind of depressing, um, way.
Copy !req
1578. My son... Not him, my actual son.
Copy !req
1579. - Believes in grand romantic gestures.
Copy !req
1580. He believes in the existence...
Copy !req
1581. of one's soul mate.
Copy !req
1582. And it's easy to just look
at a 13-year-old and say:
Copy !req
1583. "You don't know what you're talking about.
You are wrong."
Copy !req
1584. But I'm not so sure.
Copy !req
1585. I met my soul mate
when I was 15 years old.
Copy !req
1586. We went out for ice cream.
Copy !req
1587. After, my dad started teasing me
about my first date, the way dads do.
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1588. And I told him, "Dad, it's no big deal.
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1589. I'm gonna be going out with a lot of
different girls on a lot of different dates."
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1590. And that is the first time
that I ever lied to my father.
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1591. I met my soul mate
when I was 15 years old...
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1592. and I have loved her
every minute of every day...
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1593. since I first bought her
that mint chocolate chip cone.
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1594. I have loved her through the birth
of my three perfect children.
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1595. I have loved her
even when I've hated her.
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1596. Only married couples
will understand that one.
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1597. And I don't know if it's gonna work out.
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1598. I don't know what's gonna happen.
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1599. I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that.
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1600. But I can promise you this:
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1601. I will never stop trying.
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1602. Because when you find the one...
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1603. you never give up.
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1604. Do you have anything you'd like to say?
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1605. I still love you, Jessica.
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1606. And I love you, Emily.
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1607. I loved you ever since you first
changed my sister's diaper.
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1608. I loved you when you came into
my bedroom and I was under the covers...
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1609. - Stop him.
No, no.
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1610. - What's he talking about?
- I'm not ashamed of it.
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1611. Okay, we're good, we're good.
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1612. Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi.
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1613. Hey.
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1614. Oh, I'm so proud of you.
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1615. There she is. My perfect girl.
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1616. Hi.
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1617. Okay.
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1618. So I bought a firearm...
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1619. from a shady Internet site...
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1620. and I am prepared to shoot you with it.
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1621. Come here.
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1622. Take care of her.
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1623. This is gonna be fun.
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1624. I'm gonna talk to my friends.
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1625. Go hang with the other high schoolers.
Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care.
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1626. I'm really glad you came.
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1627. So am I.
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1628. You were a really good babysitter,
Jessica.
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1629. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
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1630. - I thought you weren't giving up.
I'm not.
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1631. But I just figure...
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1632. you like my dad...
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1633. and in a few years I'll look like him.
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1634. I'll come for you then.
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1635. That's not a bad plan.
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1636. But...
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1637. Well, until then...
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1638. just a little graduation gift
to get you through high school.
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1639. Thanks.
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1640. So...
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1641. Can you...?
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1642. - Why...?
- Take care, Robbie.
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1643. Holy crap.
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1644. - He looks pretty happy.
- Yeah.
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1645. - God, I hate that haircut, though.
- Ick.
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1646. - I know. He looks like a sheepdog.
- Mm-hm.
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1647. Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!
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1648. It's been a really hard year.
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1649. How so?
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1650. Yeah, there were a couple little blips,
I guess.
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1651. - I know.
- I guess I just, you know...
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1652. Really what I want to say...
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1653. is that I'm so glad you bought me
that ice cream.
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1654. Me too.
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