Corona Zombies (2020)

1. Ugh.

2. Ooh.

3. Hey Kendra, what's up?

4. Barbie, I've been trying to get ahold

5. of you all morning.

6. Where were you?

7. At the store.

8. The place was a full-on crazy house.

9. They were out of like, everything.

10. Sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, bleach.

11. Ugh.

12. Not a good time to be a germophobe.

13. Damn straight.

14. Girl, this chick straight up tried to karate chop me

15. for the last pack of toilet paper.

16. I was like, if you need it that bad, take it, hooker.

17. Barbie.

18. You need to turn on the news.

19. News?

20. Ooze.

21. Just try it for once.

22. Mmm.

23. Symptoms of the Coronavirus include

24. sore throat, headaches, fever, dry cough,

25. shortness of breath and fatigue.

26. Coronavirus?

27. Is it a holiday?

28. Holiday?

29. Yeah, why is everybody drinking beer?

30. The Coronavirus or COVID-19

31. is an unprecedented and deadly strain

32. originating in Wuhan, China.

33. Wuhan?

34. But I love that rap group.

35. Citizens are asked to immediately

36. quarantine themselves and have as little physical contact

37. with one another as possible.

38. Complete isolation is the key

39. in stopping the spread of this virus.

40. So like, a typical Saturday night, then?

41. We repeat, signs that you may be infected

42. are sudden fever, chills, sore throat, aching joints,

43. lack of energy and in some cases,

44. moderate to severe death.

45. Death?

46. Ladies and gentlemen,

47. we have some disturbing breaking news.

48. That sounds bad.

49. We are receiving confirmed reports

50. that the infected are somehow transforming

51. into violent and ravenous flesh eaters.

52. For lack of a better word, Corona zombies.

53. Corona zombies?

54. Yes, Corona zombies.

55. Why can't they be like, Heineken zombies.

56. That stuff is skunky!

57. Or like, chardonnay zombies.

58. I'll call you back.

59. Okay, be safe, girl.

60. Breaking news, we have just received

61. shocking video of what is believed

62. to be ground zero of the virus.

63. This was taken moments ago at the Wuhan, China

64. Scrambell's Soup factory, where they were testing

65. their newest flavor, bat soup.

66. Warning, this footage is disturbing.

67. Hurry!

68. Shut down the goddamned soup pots now!

69. Yes, Chef Donahue!

70. Clam chowder, check.

71. Something's wrong, Chief, look.

72. The kettles in sector nine are overpressurized.

73. Keep pushing that button!

74. It's no use, sir.

75. The seals on the bat soup kettles have already burst!

76. Push it!

77. Is it soup yet?

78. We've got to cool off the kettles or they're gonna blow.

79. The cream of mushroom is scalding.

80. The minestrone is reaching meltdown.

81. Attention all emergency personnel.

82. Chef Donahue, here.

83. Meet me up on sector nine.

84. We've got to turn the heat off manually

85. and don't forget your gas masks.

86. Oh yeah, I'll see you there.

87. My God, we're too late.

88. Just look at this place.

89. Haven't seen this much smoke

90. since the Snoop Dogg concert.

91. Give it a rest, Derek.

92. Everyone look for the manual shutoff valve.

93. It's metal and it's got like, a little,

94. what's it called?

95. The dial with the numbers.

96. Ah, there it is.

97. The only way to end this madness

98. is to turn the, oh, what the...

99. My God.

100. It's Jerry, the prep cook's apron.

101. But where is he?

102. Bad Jerry!

103. Ow, what the hell, Jerry?

104. Jerry, knock it off, man.

105. Stop it!

106. Do something, Donahue.

107. Jerry, no!

108. This isn't the Jerry I know.

109. What have you become?

110. Corona.

111. Well, I hate to say I told you so, but,

112. I never thought bat soup was a good idea.

113. I'd better cancel that two o'clock potato soup meeting.

114. They've all been transformed

115. into flesh eating zombies.

116. They're all dead, but, but, they're alive.

117. They're all...

118. Attention all Scrambell's employees,

119. Chef Donahue speaking.

120. Just a few quick announcements.

121. First of all, the company picnic on Saturday

122. has been canceled.

123. Bowling night will be rescheduled until further notice

124. and oh yeah, one more thing, run for your lives.

125. Flesh eating Corona zombies have been unleashed

126. and are currently taking over the world.

127. If you're healthy, you will probably

128. go through a process and you'll be fine.

129. Corona.

130. Oh my God.

131. I never should have given that woman

132. the last roll of toilet paper.

133. The stuff is like rolled gold.

134. Hey.

135. Hi.

136. What are we gonna do?

137. The Corona zombies are like, doubling by the hour.

138. This is like, so not.

139. Girl, it's worse than I thought.

140. Have you seen one?

141. Worse, I don't have any toilet paper.

142. People are literally killing each other

143. for a roll on TV.

144. I think my garden hose might reach my bathroom window.

145. Ew, you have paper towels.

146. Yeah, but then I would have to use Vaseline.

147. That stuff is rough, and I have sensitive skin.

148. Damn.

149. Wait.

150. Ugh, I'm out of coffee filters, too.

151. But do you have enough food and water

152. to last you three years?

153. I just have some pizza pockets,

154. some popcorn and some Skittles.

155. Ooh!

156. Oh, girl.

157. We repeat, please quarantine yourself

158. as the number of Corona zombies continues

159. to multiply by the hour.

160. Oh my God, are you seeing this?

161. What's happening now?

162. All the nail salons must be shut down.

163. Everyone's in need of a serious mani.

164. Yuck.

165. The President has declared

166. a nation-wide lockdown and a special task force,

167. the Corona Squad, has been assembled

168. to help protect America from the increasing amount

169. of hoarders and pirates, all of whom

170. are trying to capitalize on this catastrophe.

171. Authorities warn that if you're one of the idiotic

172. people who are still gathering in large crowds,

173. immediately take a long, hot soapy shower

174. and stop touching your face.

175. Just fascinating.

176. Oh my God, Barbie.

177. Oh my God, what?

178. You were just at the grocery store.

179. All of those people, they could have infected you

180. with their filthy hands and virals.

181. You should take a shower.

182. Ooh, no.

183. Okay, later.

184. We cut to breaking news as we are receiving word

185. that the immediate toilet paper shortage was,

186. in fact, caused by a hijacked cargo ship.

187. We take you now live to the scene

188. as the Corona Squad have cornered the hijacker

189. and are preparing to move in.

190. Not now!

191. First of all, I wanna make one thing very clear.

192. The President wants us to take this guy alive,

193. which means he and I—

194. Catch him as they go get a massage?

195. Let me try this again, Argento.

196. The thug's the only one who knows where the stash is.

197. So we locate the rolls.

198. Gut him like a fish.

199. Just get him alive.

200. If we capture him, we'll be heroes.

201. I can finally get laid.

202. You got that right.

203. Every night.

204. A ha!

205. I'd love to bang a Chinese midget.

206. You listen to me, you bastards.

207. Either my demands are met, or you can kiss

208. wiping your butt goodbye for a very long time.

209. Do you hear me?

210. If I don't get five million jillion dollars,

211. a Russian hooker and a gift certificate

212. to P.F. Chang's, it's over.

213. You have 10 minutes or my hostages die.

214. Who is that?

215. That is the Corona Squad, man.

216. The identity of the toilet paper hijacker

217. has been uncovered.

218. He's Claude Francois, a failed French-Canadian

219. gymnast, who turned to a life of crime

220. after not winning a Matt Dillon lookalike contest.

221. Yes.

222. Good.

223. We've just received word that satellite photography

224. has revealed that Francois' mother's home

225. may be the location where the shipping containers

226. of T.P. are hidden.

227. The Corona Squad are taking their positions

228. and hopefully bringing this harrowing moment

229. in history to an end.

230. We now return to Real Housewives of Quebec,

231. already in progress.

232. Get in the corner.

233. Remember, whatever you do, take them alive.

234. Shoot the son of a bitch!

235. Shit, wrong guy.

236. They are storming the building.

237. Quick, out the window.

238. Thanks to Corona Squad, you will all meet your maker.

239. Oh, no!

240. Watch your step.

241. He's runnin' a smoke machine.

242. That's our grenade smoke, you asshat.

243. Oops, we shot some of the hostages.

244. They all made the ultimate sacrifice

245. in the name of bathroom tissue.

246. These shot up people are all heroes.

247. Where did you stash the toilet paper, Francois?

248. You'll never find it, but you won't be needing

249. toiletries where you're headed.

250. The zombies are coming for you

251. and no amount of social distancing in the world

252. can save you from their ravenous grasp.

253. Oh, oh shit.

254. Peace out.

255. You know, he really does look like Matt Dillon.

256. We interrupt this broadcast for more breaking news

257. as the number of Corona zombies continue

258. to spiral out of control.

259. Just moments ago, hoardes of Corona zombies

260. converged at the Tits-N-Giggles strip club

261. in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, just as headliner

262. Miss Anne Howe and her 48's took the stage.

263. Dozens of patrons were injured and or eaten

264. as the undead flooded into the business.

265. Authorities say the death toll would have been

266. significantly lower had many of the customers

267. not insisted on staying to try and catch

268. part of Miss Howe's bodacious act.

269. One victim was quoted as saying,

270. "Yes, there were Corona zombies everywhere,

271. "but did you get a load of that ass?"

272. Please let this footage be a reminder

273. to everyone watching, social distancing,

274. washing your hands and most certainly

275. steering very clear of bat soup

276. is the new norm in our world.

277. If I get Corona, I get Corona.

278. At the end of the day, I'm not gonna

279. let it stop me from partying.

280. I think they're blowing it way out of proportion.

281. I think it's doin' way too much.

282. So, we're just hangin' out with them

283. and tryin' to get junk before everything closes.

284. According to our satellite, dozens of semi trucks

285. have been making drop offs to a house not far from here.

286. I predict we find that T.P. stash before nightfall.

287. Let's hope so, but Francis was right.

288. We'd better move fast, before we're outnumbered

289. by Corona zombies.

290. Corona Squad to headquarters.

291. We're moving in.

292. 10-4, Corona Squad.

293. Good luck out there.

294. The world is counting on you.

295. At your service, Commander.

296. Buckle up, let's do this.

297. Ah, let's make it quick.

298. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this.

299. Let's roll.

300. Hold on, sorry.

301. I'm not used to a stick shift.

302. I got it, I got it.

303. Careful, he's picking at it again.

304. Dammit, I told you we should have enrolled him

305. in private school.

306. There's too much biting in the public school system.

307. I can't believe you insisted he come to work with you.

308. Bring your kid to work day my ass.

309. Excuse me, driver.

310. Is this gonna be long?

311. You just shut up back there.

312. You want full service, you should have called an Uber.

313. Supplemented income, my ass.

314. I should've listened to my mother

315. and never married a wannabe rock star.

316. Dumb broad!

317. I'm telling you, White Thunder is about to break.

318. Why can't you just support my goals and dreams

319. for once in your pathetic goddamned life?

320. Oh, no, it would be too much to ask

321. to have you encouraging and cheering me on.

322. Doesn't matter that I've supported you all these years.

323. I want a goddamned divorce.

324. Driver, let's get moving, please.

325. Oh, sure lady, pile on.

326. Naturally, the famous Barbara Jenson lady reporter

327. has no sympathy for a struggling musician.

328. No, you're too busy living in your own bubble

329. of fame with your investigative reporting

330. and sucking up to politicians.

331. That's it, I'm calling Uber.

332. Do yourself a favor and dump him.

333. Smile, Barbara, say cheese.

334. We have to call a car.

335. Just a little pre-roll before you help

336. find a cure for the Corona zombies.

337. Now, smile for me, baby.

338. I need a moment to myself.

339. Yes, of course you do.

340. Go ahead, gimme my son.

341. I'll hold him.

342. I'll be right back, sweet baby.

343. Mama.

344. Mama.

345. Excuse me, are you okay?

346. Father?

347. Father.

348. All right, sexy ace reporter.

349. Tell us how you're gonna try and help end

350. all this Corona madness.

351. If anybody can do it, you can.

352. Are you hitting on me in the workplace?

353. Yeah, I suppose I am.

354. You're not gonna get all me too on me now, are you?

355. Corona.

356. Start the car.

357. I take it all back.

358. I love your band.

359. The Corona zombies have already

360. spread to the countryside.

361. My God, they're hideous.

362. Listen to them.

363. They sound like monsters.

364. Are you sure they're Corona?

365. They look like they're drugged out of their minds.

366. Maybe Charlie Sheen has a summer home around here.

367. I don't know.

368. I couldn't say.

369. Francois' mother's house is right over those mountains.

370. We'll take that road up there.

371. Let's do this.

372. What if the old broad is armed?

373. What do we do?

374. We'll take her out just like we did her son.

375. Now, let's hit the road.

376. And stop grinding those gears.

377. I got it, I got it.

378. What are we gonna do?

379. Don't make any sudden moves.

380. We have to be very careful about this.

381. You're right.

382. Right down the middle.

383. Corona.

384. This isn't her house.

385. Must be further down the road.

386. Let's check those empty buildings for any clues.

387. Start the car, start the car.

388. Isn't that Barbara Jenson, from the news?

389. Hey, what's wrong?

390. The Corona zombies have migrated north.

391. They're just around the corner.

392. They were comin' right for us.

393. Argento, Shemp, go check it out.

394. Yes, Commander.

395. I got it, I got it.

396. What's wrong, man?

397. Spit it out.

398. The kid, he's, he's...

399. Oh no, oh no, oh, oh!

400. Let's go.

401. Psst, there's someone there.

402. Come on, kid.

403. You're due for a serious time out.

404. Corona Squad, freeze!

405. Get down on your knees, now!

406. No, hold it.

407. We've got to test him first.

408. Test reads positive.

409. Ah!

410. That'll teach ya to not wash your hands.

411. Back off!

412. Haven't you heard of social distancing?

413. Six feet, kid, six feet.

414. He's a zombie.

415. These mothers have more lives than a cat.

416. I'll never lick another doorknob

417. as long as I live.

418. I'm very sorry, kid.

419. Miss?

420. Miss?

421. Miss?

422. Your turn.

423. You sure the quarantine is over by the end of April?

424. Madam?

425. You've got to get some hydrogen peroxide on that.

426. My turn!

427. Halt.

428. I think we should have some masks on.

429. Or, some hand gel at the very least.

430. All right, squad, here's the plan.

431. We go to Francois' mother's house

432. to see if that's where the toilet paper is stashed.

433. I've gotta get to the native village.

434. The Shaman there might hold the key to curing this.

435. Then we'll stop by on the way.

436. Who knew there was one last remaining village

437. in the middle of Baltimore?

438. It's a tribe, not unlike the Amish.

439. They're holding on to their ancient customs.

440. And this reporter woman?

441. She thinks she holds the key.

442. We're certainly gonna find out.

443. We've gotta stop this Corona-tastrophe one way or the other.

444. Where the hell did they come from?

445. That's my ex-boyfriend, Carl.

446. He has come to greet us.

447. All right, I say we break up into two groups

448. and escort her in.

449. Let's do this, no time to waste.

450. We've got to make a plan.

451. Those drumbeats sound hostile.

452. One wrong move and they could capture us, or worse.

453. God, what if they tie me and beat me?

454. Come on, how dangerous can they possibly be?

455. If they decided you were their enemy,

456. they could easily take all of you out.

457. These indigenous people are very advanced

458. despite their culture.

459. There's good reason they've survived

460. the wilds of Baltimore for all these years.

461. You seem quite infatuated lady.

462. I don't like your tone, Mr. Stupid Blue Hat.

463. What the hell are you suggesting?

464. You tell me.

465. Enough now.

466. How should we get you in there?

467. I'm going in alone.

468. I know what they'll respond to.

469. You really know how to start a conversation.

470. Whoa, this broad really knows how to commit to a cause.

471. We're sending a naked woman into the jungles of Baltimore.

472. What could possibly go wrong?

473. Are you sure this is a good idea?

474. I hope she's wearing sunblock.

475. I'm going to meet them.

476. Come back in an hour, and no peeking.

477. Hey, what up, girl?

478. I wish I had a swing like that on my front porch.

479. Whoo, baby, where'd you get all that?

480. Your bed work, honey.

481. Breaking news as the murder and mayhem

482. unfolds at the Tits-N-Giggles strip club

483. in Cherry Hill, New Jersey as hoardes

484. of Corona zombies continue to attack

485. the horny bastards that continue

486. to ignore the quarantine order.

487. This footage should be reason enough

488. for you to please, stay at home

489. and help flatten the curve,

490. no matter how desperate you are to see a naked woman.

491. Hello?

492. Is anybody there?

493. I don't have anything you want,

494. nothing of value, anyway.

495. No money, no jewelry.

496. Oh.

497. Corona.

498. Corona.

499. We return now to our live remote cameras

500. as the Corona Squad has launched a search

501. for our star reporter, Barbara Jenson.

502. Where the hell is she?

503. She should have been back by now.

504. She's gotta be gettin' cold.

505. Maybe she's on her way back.

506. It's either that or dead.

507. Let's go back.

508. Maybe she's waitin' for us at the convoy.

509. Mother of God, look at that.

510. You don't suppose this belongs to her?

511. Who's that?

512. Hey buddy, come down from there or I'll shoot.

513. He's dead, you moron.

514. Is that one of the Corona zombies?

515. We're not staying around to find out.

516. Let's haul ass.

517. Let's roll.

518. This place is crawling with those things.

519. They're throwing bodies into the trees.

520. Corona.

521. Corona.

522. My God.

523. You led them right for us.

524. This is a perfect opportunity to get that B roll

525. I was hoping for.

526. Get in the car.

527. Hey, unhand me, you brute.

528. This is my shot at the big time.

529. It's worth losing a limb or two.

530. Janni, Janni!

531. Come back!

532. Janni, Janni!

533. Come back!

534. No promotion is worth this.

535. That's it boys.

536. Work the camera.

537. Lick your lips, steady.

538. Show me what you got.

539. Make love to the lens like your stepdaughter's

540. mom just passed away.

541. Start the car.

542. We're not leaving here.

543. I said start the car, Shemp.

544. Janni, this is suicide.

545. Now, let's lose those shirts, fellas.

546. Work it.

547. No!

548. Christ!

549. All right buddy, the fashion shoot is over.

550. Get your ass back to the van.

551. Damn, forgot to load it.

552. It's the head, dammit.

553. Aim for the head.

554. I got it.

555. Then do it, now.

556. I got it, I got it.

557. If you're not man enough,

558. then I am.

559. You just stay right here and learn

560. from the hand of the master.

561. How's that sound?

562. Stop!

563. Haven't you seen any George Romero?

564. It's the head.

565. You gotta shoot 'em in the head, yah!

566. Oh my God, he's a total idiot.

567. I need this one's close up.

568. That's a wrap on the phot shoot.

569. Now.

570. Bring it on.

571. I bet your mom is real proud of you.

572. Speaking of your mama, she's so ugly,

573. she tried to join an ugly contest once,

574. and they said sorry, no professionals.

575. Your mama is so fat her belly button gets home

576. 15 minutes before she does.

577. Enough schtick, Argento.

578. Wrap it up.

579. Get over here.

580. Come at me, bro, come at me.

581. Enjoy living while you can.

582. You heard the President.

583. You'll only be around for another three weeks.

584. Go ahead, try and eat me.

585. Just try.

586. What are you waiting for?

587. Let's go.

588. Let's roll, Argento!

589. Come on!

590. Hey you.

591. Move!

592. Look at me.

593. No mask, no gloves.

594. Oh, I get it.

595. You want a little bite outta me, huh?

596. He's crackin' up.

597. We have to bail.

598. Do I look delicious to you?

599. I bet I do.

600. Dinner is served.

601. Wow.

602. Ah, not before you have your first course!

603. Did you get any information from the Shaman?

604. He told me this pandemic

605. is the Earth's way of telling us to be kinder to her.

606. Got that right.

607. Corona zombies were just seen

608. walking north to the wooded area outside the city.

609. All citizens are advised to arm themselves.

610. All right, the mother's house

611. is just a few miles ahead.

612. Start loading the weapons.

613. We'll hide the vehicles and sneak up on the old broad.

614. Be alert.

615. I need total professionalism from you guys.

616. Baby ready to fall down and go boom?

617. Whee!

618. Dammit, I wanted to go down myself.

619. Anybody else starting to get hungry?

620. My God, they're hideous.

621. All right, let's go check out the house.

622. Ow, you know what?

623. Here, I don't even know how to shoot this thing.

624. All clear.

625. Everyone keep your eyes peeled for anything

626. out of the ordinary.

627. Be ready for danger where you least expect it.

628. Hey, smells worse than old lady in here.

629. Shemp.

630. Huh?

631. Go take a look out there.

632. Yeah, okay.

633. Let's split up and look for signs

634. of that toilet paper.

635. Check outside for shipping containers.

636. I'll go up there.

637. Randy, Argento, look for the old broad.

638. Look, she's wears lederhosen.

639. Maybe she's a hot German cougar.

640. Knock knock.

641. Singing telegram.

642. Postmates!

643. Jehovah's Witness.

644. There's always time for cross-dressin'.

645. Yeah.

646. No heels?

647. Yeah.

648. Mmm.

649. Ma'am, I'm from Publisher's Clearing House.

650. I'm here to tell you you're a winner!

651. Watch where you're goin', fruitcake.

652. Bump bump ba bump ba bump.

653. Hey lady, wake up.

654. Someone sent you a stripper gram.

655. Let's get naked.

656. Let's see those goat titties.

657. My bad.

658. Ugh, not getting information out of you.

659. This place is a dump.

660. Terrorist or not, this woman lives like a lazy,

661. filthy lady pig.

662. Smells like a smoky bedspread in here.

663. Ba ba dump dee dump.

664. Da da da dada.

665. That was Shemp.

666. Come on.

667. Stay here.

668. Back off, meemaw.

669. I barely know you.

670. My God, Shemp, no.

671. Eaten alive.

672. In a dress, no less.

673. This time he really did it.

674. Goddamned Corona zombies.

675. Ah!

676. Barbara!

677. What's wrong?

678. Damn you, get back.

679. Up yours, you bat soup eating bastards from hell.

680. Let go of her.

681. Die, die Corona scum, die, die!

682. Die, I say!

683. Unhand her!

684. She's a journalist, for God's sake.

685. Close your eyes, Barbara.

686. We have to bail.

687. Let's split.

688. We've got to get back to the car!

689. Keep your eyes peeled for the others.

690. Let's go.

691. Christ, they're everywhere!

692. This one makes a bigger hole.

693. Incoming Corona.

694. Adios, tubby.

695. Get my camera.

696. Someone shoot this.

697. This is great B role.

698. Where's Chad and Barbara?

699. Let's trash this place!

700. Yah.

701. I'll handle this.

702. These flesh eaters are ready for their close up.

703. Okay, never mind the camera.

704. Get back.

705. Get outta here, get out!

706. Yee haw!

707. Yah, come at me, bro.

708. Come at me, whoo hoo!

709. Who's hungry?

710. Bring it on.

711. Who's ready for the first course, huh?

712. Come on, get outta here, yah!

713. Yah!

714. Yah, get back, get back, do what you're told.

715. Do as you're told, whoo hoo!

716. Yah, yah.

717. Whoo hoo!

718. Look at you.

719. How could you possibly think you could

720. make a meal outta me, huh?

721. Whoo hoo!

722. Yah, yah, yah.

723. Abort mission.

724. Get in the car.

725. Fuck him.

726. He's all cracked up.

727. Yah, come on.

728. Just do it.

729. I can't take any more cable news anyway.

730. Kill me!

731. Just kidding.

732. See ya meatloaf.

733. In hell!

734. Just leave him.

735. He's a loose cannon.

736. He's Corona Squad, man.

737. Back off.

738. On second thought, maybe you're right.

739. Randy, pull him inside.

740. Argento, pull your head outta your ass.

741. It's over.

742. It's no use, just leave him.

743. That's it, hold perfectly still.

744. My work is done.

745. Let's blow this Popsicle stand.

746. Get back!

747. He's leaking all over me!

748. Cap the son of a bitch!

749. Step on it, they're closing in.

750. Help me!

751. Please start the car.

752. Keep them out!

753. There are Corona everywhere!

754. Blast the radio, honk the horn, anything!

755. Corona Squad, my ass.

756. You can't even get the car started.

757. Call the auto club.

758. Use On-Star.

759. Adios, Corona scum.

760. See you in hell!

761. Corona.

762. Breaking news as the mayor has called off

763. all attempts to save the horny bastards

764. that continue to show up at the Tits-N-Giggles

765. strip club in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

766. As one by one, both strippers and customers

767. are transformed into ravenous Corona zombies.

768. City officials are designating Martial Law

769. as the government continues to try and contain

770. the virus, at the same time trying to resolve

771. our terrifying toilet paper shortage.

772. It's the end of the world.

773. It's the end of the world!

774. So, I would love to have the country

775. opened up and just raring to go by Easter.

776. Hey girl, are you sure

777. it was just a hallucination?

778. I mean, I think so.

779. I'm not in the belly of a Corona zombie, so, I guess.

780. Be thankful it wasn't one of those

781. dumb nightmares that ends with a shock,

782. only to realize one more time that you're

783. actually still in the nightmare.

784. Ugh, I hate those.

785. Yeah, me, too.

786. Wouldn't it be weird if our conversation right now

787. were like actually part of a nightmare?

788. Like, like a triple.

789. Like, look, you wake up twice and then I finally wake up

790. and we realize that I'm the one who's actually

791. having the nightmare.

792. Mmm hmm.

793. This lockdown sucks.

794. It's been like, two hours, and I'm already bored.

795. I know, right?

796. And it's Taco Tuesday, too.

797. Mmm, how long do you think this is gonna last?

798. They're saying we may be stuck home for months.

799. This is serious.

800. Ugh!

801. Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?

802. This is so not fun.

803. Global warming, biological warfare,

804. oh, oh, wait, the contestants from The Bachelor.

805. Wait, that was prison herpes outbreak.

806. Who knows?

807. Wait a second.

808. What now?

809. Jim Bob.

810. What about that moron?

811. I can't believe you dated that loser.

812. He was hot the night I met him.

813. You were way drunk and he was, like, never hot.

814. Anyway, he was a survivalist.

815. He left a ton of supplies here.

816. Where?

817. In the garage.

818. I have earthquake and get your hands off my shit,

819. you smelly democrat supplies out there.

820. And?

821. And, there's toilet paper!

822. Girl.

823. You're one rich bitch.

824. Mmm hmm.

825. I'm a rich bitch, I'm a rich bitch.

826. You're a bitch, bitch.

827. You're a bitch, bitch.

828. Breaking news is the Corona Squad have aborted

829. their missions to locate the missing toilet paper

830. and are heading for the location of the initial

831. Corona zombie outbreak, the Scrambell Soup Company.

832. Officials hope the squad can find clues there

833. that may help bring this all to an end.

834. Great, now what?

835. Washed out road.

836. Yeah, it figures.

837. Just another day in the life of the Corona Squad.

838. Now, what in the hell do we do?

839. We could ditch the car and go by boat.

840. Either that, or disguise ourselves as Corona zombies.

841. Where'd you say that boat was?

842. In the back of the van.

843. Hopefully, we have room for everyone.

844. If we don't, that photographer's dead meat.

845. We'd better get moving.

846. It'll be dark soon.

847. Let's roll.

848. Everyone stay together.

849. If Corona show up, start drooling and act like a zombie.

850. It works on The Walking Dead.

851. Huh, they sure don't make

852. inflatable boats like they used to, huh?

853. Says the guy who wouldn't help load up.

854. All right, let's work together and push.

855. That's it, we got it.

856. Okay, let me just get the oar.

857. Uh, I've done this before.

858. Okay, okay, wait, wait.

859. Wrong way, wrong way.

860. Okay, now, here—

861. Corona coming!

862. Corona.

863. Quick, everyone lay down, act like a stiff.

864. Corona.

865. My God, they're waving goodbye.

866. These things are gaining intelligence—

867. Corona.

868. At an astonishing rate.

869. Bon voyage, mother fuckers!

870. There it is.

871. It's beautiful.

872. The plan is to get to the ninth floor

873. and take samples of the soup that caused

874. all of this mess.

875. Be aware of your surroundings.

876. There still may be a Corona zombie or two

877. still in the building.

878. Hey, Chad, how do we get to the ninth floor?

879. I don't know.

880. But first I really need to take a leak.

881. Up there.

882. When this hell ends, this would be a great location

883. to shoot a music video.

884. You're right.

885. It's very steampunk.

886. Come on.

887. I want to go to the scene of the meltdown.

888. Elevator, go call the others.

889. They found the elevator to soups and gravies.

890. It's this way.

891. Stay close.

892. Corona Squad.

893. What is it?

894. I heard something in the creamed corn room.

895. Stand near the elevator.

896. Back up.

897. The horror!

898. Die, Corona scum!

899. I can't take it!

900. This is for the victims!

901. This is for closing movie theaters

902. and this is for getting Burning Man canceled.

903. Thanks to you, I can't even hook up on Tinder anymore.

904. Plenty of Fish, Grindr, all of it.

905. I'll never bang a random ever again!

906. Wait.

907. Stay back.

908. I take it all back!

909. I'm just a little tired.

910. I have low blood sugar, oh!

911. What a world!

912. I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea.

913. Oh, the tomato soup is overheating!

914. That's not tomato soup.

915. It's what's left of Argento.

916. Abort mission!

917. My God.

918. Just look at 'em.

919. They're dead.

920. They're all messed up.

921. To think they're all gonna miss out

922. on the stimulus package benefits.

923. Barbara, I know this probably isn't

924. the best time for this.

925. I haven't been with a woman for a very long time.

926. So, since this is probably it,

927. I get one last look at those tremendous knockers of yours,

928. one last sacrifice for what's left of the Corona Squad.

929. I'll be dead, but let me die a hero.

930. Corona.

931. Who just saw a terrific set of boobies.

932. Then I guess this is it.

933. I'll never find the cure.

934. Just think, I'll never go to brunch

935. ever again.

936. Oh, Chad.

937. No.

938. Argento!

939. What have you done to your hair?

940. Commander Chad, it's not too late.

941. Fight it, man!

942. Argento, no, we're friends.

943. Corona!

944. Set you up with my cousin.

945. Corona!

946. Professor, how long can we expect

947. the Corona zombie outbreak to continue?

948. Can we expect the plague of the undead

949. to end anytime soon?

950. How would I know?

951. What am I, a mindreader?

952. All I can say is the world should let this be a lesson

953. from this moment in history, we should try to be

954. kinder, gentler, a better person than we were yesterday.

955. After all, all we are is dust in the wind.

956. The takeaway, wash your hands,

957. and get your shit together!

958. Come on, toilet paper.

959. I know you're in here.

960. Yes!

961. The mother fuckin' mother lode!

962. Corona.

963. Corona.

964. Corona.

965. Are you sure it was just a

966. hallucinate, elation?