1. I wouldn't want to live his life,
'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life.Copy !req
2. All I think is, if you can
find work, stay healthy...Copy !req
3. find somebody to share it with,
you're the ultimate success.Copy !req
4. He's had some of the pieces
of the puzzle, but not all of them.Copy !req
5. "I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear..."Copy !req
6. I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...Copy !req
7. "That I will faithfully execute the office
of President of the United States."Copy !req
8. That I will faithfully execute the office...Copy !req
9. When you're young,
your potential is infinite.Copy !req
10. You might do anything, really.Copy !req
11. You might be Einstein.Copy !req
12. You might be DiMaggio.Copy !req
13. Then you get to an age
when what you might be...Copy !req
14. gives way to what you have been.Copy !req
15. You weren't Einstein.Copy !req
16. You weren't anything.Copy !req
17. That's a bad moment.Copy !req
18. Chuck, it's Pen.Copy !req
19. Hey! Jesus. How'd you find me?Copy !req
20. You wrote me your last letter
on hotel stationery.Copy !req
21. It's great to see you, Pen.Copy !req
22. You look beautiful.Copy !req
23. This place is scary.Copy !req
24. Yeah. The human psyche.Copy !req
25. I came to take you back
to California with me.Copy !req
26. - No.
- It's a lonely state without you.Copy !req
27. I'm home, Red.Copy !req
28. I can't wait forever for you to marry me.Copy !req
29. Well, apparently, I can,
but I really don't want to.Copy !req
30. I love you so much.Copy !req
31. You don't understand.Copy !req
32. I don't even know why.Copy !req
33. Penny.Copy !req
34. Penny, Penny, Penny.Copy !req
35. Listen, I gotta go, okay?
I'm kind of busy right now, okay?Copy !req
36. It was 1981...Copy !req
37. and I had holed myself up
in this New York hotel...Copy !req
38. the Phoenix Hotel...Copy !req
39. terrified of everything, ashamed of my life.Copy !req
40. Until, finally, I realized my salvation...Copy !req
41. might be in recording
my wasted life unflinchingly.Copy !req
42. Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale...Copy !req
43. and maybe it would help me understand why.Copy !req
44. When I was 11, I had an experience...Copy !req
45. with my sister's friend Tuvia
that left an indelible impression.Copy !req
46. - Hey.
- What?Copy !req
47. - Tuvia.
- What?Copy !req
48. You want to lick it?Copy !req
49. No. Why should I?Copy !req
50. Well, for one thing,
it tastes like strawberry.Copy !req
51. My sister tells me you love strawberries.Copy !req
52. Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.Copy !req
53. No, I'm serious.
It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.Copy !req
54. I know that's not true.Copy !req
55. - I bet you it does.
- I bet you it doesn't.Copy !req
56. I'll bet you a dollar.Copy !req
57. Tuvia.Copy !req
58. My first love.Copy !req
59. Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.Copy !req
60. The repulsiveness of my sex confirmed...Copy !req
61. by the taste buds
of a ripening pubescent girl.Copy !req
62. What are you doing?Copy !req
63. Get off me!Copy !req
64. And so I found myself
in a downward spiral of debauchery...Copy !req
65. endlessly chasing pussy.Copy !req
66. My only focus in life...
to get laid, to get blown...Copy !req
67. trying to fool myself into believing...Copy !req
68. that given the right combination
of circumstances and deception...Copy !req
69. maybe the Tuvias of the world
could desire me the way I desired them.Copy !req
70. I only wanted to be loved.Copy !req
71. No.Copy !req
72. The constant inarticulate rage
led to bar fight after bar fight.Copy !req
73. New York is a city of people...Copy !req
74. the only state in the Union to stretch
from the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes.Copy !req
75. Directly across the avenue is—
You're right again.Copy !req
76. I had heard that television
was an industry with a future...Copy !req
77. so I packed up and moved
from Philly to Manhattan.Copy !req
78. We began making
commercial broadcasts in 1941...Copy !req
79. and in 1953, NBC made the first ever
color telecast by a network...Copy !req
80. during The Colgate Comedy Hour.Copy !req
81. Now we'll have a look at the studio
where they produce The Today Show...Copy !req
82. which NBC began broadcasting in 1952.Copy !req
83. Excuse me, miss.Copy !req
84. Do you know where I could apply
for an NBC page?Copy !req
85. Such as The Perry Como Show,
which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30.Copy !req
86. The Nat King Cole Show...Copy !req
87. which you won't want to miss,
on Tuesdays at 8:00 P.M.Copy !req
88. And hold on one second.Copy !req
89. Okay.Copy !req
90. And my personal favorite,
The Lux Show starring Rosemary Clooney.Copy !req
91. Which you can enjoy
every Thursday at 10:00.Copy !req
92. And of course, The Steve Allen Show
which delights us every Sunday at 8:00.Copy !req
93. You may also be interested
to know that Steve Allen...Copy !req
94. actually got his start in entertainment
as an NBC page.Copy !req
95. Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me.Copy !req
96. You know Raymond, in accounting?
He's kind of cute, huh?Copy !req
97. Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann...Copy !req
98. but what you want
is a man who's going places...Copy !req
99. a go-getter on the management fast track.Copy !req
100. What about Mr. Waters?Copy !req
101. Yeah, management
training application, please, ma'am.Copy !req
102. How many people have applied for this so far?Copy !req
103. Let's see. Including you? About 2,000.Copy !req
104. - For how many positions?
- Five.Copy !req
105. Thanks, ma'am.Copy !req
106. Sometimes, as a younger man,
I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.Copy !req
107. - Tell me again!
- Head of network sales at 30.Copy !req
108. Head of the entire network by 40!Copy !req
109. I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris,
management trainee.Copy !req
110. Life was sweet.Copy !req
111. For a minute.Copy !req
112. Everything's either madly exciting
or madly interesting.Copy !req
113. I hope Sally never bothers herself with you.Copy !req
114. I got fired today.Copy !req
115. Fired?Copy !req
116. Yeah, fired.Copy !req
117. Fired?Copy !req
118. What the fuck did you get fired for?Copy !req
119. I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.Copy !req
120. Some bullshit. Look, it's gonna be fine.Copy !req
121. I'm pregnant.Copy !req
122. So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.Copy !req
123. I intend to be important, you know?
I can't be saddled with this.Copy !req
124. But then I remembered something Carlyle said.Copy !req
125. "Do the duty which lies nearest thee."Copy !req
126. - So you see...
- Who's Carlyle?Copy !req
127. Dear God. Why do I even bother?Copy !req
128. Fuck you, you condescending prick.Copy !req
129. Pregnant?Copy !req
130. Yeah, pregnant.Copy !req
131. Fuck you.Copy !req
132. What the fuck did you get pregnant for?Copy !req
133. Fuck you.Copy !req
134. What do you mean,
what the fuck did I get pregnant for?Copy !req
135. You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck!Copy !req
136. - Well, fuck you!
- Fuck you.Copy !req
137. - Fuckin'—
- Fuck you.Copy !req
138. Fuck!Copy !req
139. Fuck you.Copy !req
140. Looks like I was just late.Copy !req
141. Yes, we had a great time.Copy !req
142. The crew loved him and loved the show,
you know? Because it was crazy.Copy !req
143. And we could do anything
we wanted to, sort of.Copy !req
144. And, yeah, they liked him very much.Copy !req
145. He was a good guy.Copy !req
146. Even though he's a prick,
he's a good guy too.Copy !req
147. "What is labeled a dream faculty.Copy !req
148. Wouldn't school be wonderful
if we had a faculty like this?"Copy !req
149. You read it, all right?Copy !req
150. "Principal Sal Mineo,
Vice Principal Tony Perkins."Copy !req
151. Couldn't you see going to a school
where Sal Mineo is the principal?Copy !req
152. In '61, I had become
a minor suit at ABC.Copy !req
153. It was during the music payola scandal...Copy !req
154. so my job was to commute
to Philly every day...Copy !req
155. to the American Bandstand tapings
to keep an eye on Dick Clark.Copy !req
156. One more lady's choice
of the afternoon to go...Copy !req
157. and suppose we make it this one, okay?Copy !req
158. On weekends,
I used to hang around amusement parks...Copy !req
159. because that's where the young girls were.Copy !req
160. I wrote a song about my experiences.Copy !req
161. When you stop at the top
of a Ferris wheelCopy !req
162. I got it to Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon
through my friendship with Dick Clark.Copy !req
163. Dick really wanted to help me out.Copy !req
164. Hi.Copy !req
165. - What?
- Hi.Copy !req
166. I wrote this song.Copy !req
167. It's number three on the pop charts.Copy !req
168. See?Copy !req
169. Yeah.Copy !req
170. I believe there's
a great future in television.Copy !req
171. So I'm gonna take my royalties
and I'm gonna create a pilot.Copy !req
172. A pilot's what they call a test TV show.Copy !req
173. I work in TV.Copy !req
174. Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck.Copy !req
175. - Debbie.
- Debbie.Copy !req
176. So, you live in Philly?Copy !req
177. No, I live in Manhattan.Copy !req
178. It's gonna be a game show.Copy !req
179. I believe there's
a great future in game shows.Copy !req
180. That's good.Copy !req
181. Yeah. Everyone loves game shows, right?Copy !req
182. - I don't know.
- Well, they do.Copy !req
183. Well, that's great then.Copy !req
184. I'm on my way.Copy !req
185. Hello.Copy !req
186. Hi.Copy !req
187. Don't be alarmed.
I'm here with Debbie.Copy !req
188. Yeah, I figured that. Hungry?Copy !req
189. No, thanks.Copy !req
190. Thirsty?Copy !req
191. Sure, if you have a beer or...Copy !req
192. How was sex with Debbie?
I always wanted to know.Copy !req
193. It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.Copy !req
194. No problem.Copy !req
195. I just got fucked by this drummer cat-
a real righteous Negro hipster.Copy !req
196. Interesting.Copy !req
197. I'm into the brotherhood of man.
I fucked an Oriental last week.Copy !req
198. - What are you?
- Jew.Copy !req
199. I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.Copy !req
200. You look Ashke-nazi.Copy !req
201. - Ashkenazi.
- Right, Ashke-nazi.Copy !req
202. - I haven't had one of those yet.
- You're romantic.Copy !req
203. I just don't get into all the bullshit
between cats and chicks.Copy !req
204. - I know what you mean.
- You know what I mean?Copy !req
205. Besides, you just give your heart to one cat
and you get hurt.Copy !req
206. Don't I know it.Copy !req
207. We could ball if you want.Copy !req
208. That would be good.Copy !req
209. Yeah, but-Copy !req
210. I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right.Copy !req
211. That's true. I didn't think of that.Copy !req
212. Well, I'm going to bed.
It was nice meeting you.Copy !req
213. Hey, what's your name?Copy !req
214. I'm Penny.Copy !req
215. I'm Chuck.Copy !req
216. - Chuck Barris.
- Yeah.Copy !req
217. Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.Copy !req
218. - I really like that song.
- Thanks.Copy !req
219. Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.Copy !req
220. Right.Copy !req
221. Last night in my dream, this ape and I
are sitting staring at each other...Copy !req
222. and it was across time and evolution.Copy !req
223. And then he started talking,
but in a language I didn't really understand.Copy !req
224. Swiss, maybe.Copy !req
225. And then he turned into Perry Como-
real square.Copy !req
226. - What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.Copy !req
227. Just because we fucked
doesn't mean there are strings now.Copy !req
228. Okay.Copy !req
229. I just wanted
to tell you about my dream.Copy !req
230. Nothing more complicated than that.
Don't panic.Copy !req
231. I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit.Copy !req
232. Now we're a couple.
Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.Copy !req
233. Don't worry.
I'm not into those games either.Copy !req
234. So anyway, the monkey turns into Perry Como,
and I say...Copy !req
235. - Holy fuck.
- What?Copy !req
236. Holy, holy fuck.Copy !req
237. You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck!Copy !req
238. A show about monkeys?Copy !req
239. No, about people.Copy !req
240. About sex, about romance,
about the bullshit of dating.Copy !req
241. I call it The Dating Game.Copy !req
242. And that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg.Copy !req
243. A pretty girl asks three handsome guys-
who she can't see... silly questions.Copy !req
244. And based on their answers...Copy !req
245. she picks one to date,
and we pay for the date.Copy !req
246. That's it. That's the show.Copy !req
247. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
248. - Hot damn!
- What? What? What?Copy !req
249. - They bought it!
- Yeah!Copy !req
250. They bought it!Copy !req
251. They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars
to make a pilot!Copy !req
252. We gotta go celebrate!
Let's go roller skating!Copy !req
253. I can't! I got a date!Copy !req
254. Okay, cool. Will you call me after?Copy !req
255. - Okay!
- Okay! Bye!Copy !req
256. I figured I was in.Copy !req
257. All I had to do was get the pilot made,
and I'd be a millionaire.Copy !req
258. Everyone would love me.Copy !req
259. Was anyone ever so young?Copy !req
260. - No.
- No.Copy !req
261. No.Copy !req
262. All right. Lose it.Copy !req
263. ABC didn't like The Dating Game.Copy !req
264. They did like a show called Hootenanny.Copy !req
265. I like this one.Copy !req
266. Well, he led an amazingly long life.Copy !req
267. Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.Copy !req
268. What do they know?Copy !req
269. That's long for a dog.Copy !req
270. I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.Copy !req
271. It's nine years to every one of ours.Copy !req
272. Yeah.Copy !req
273. I'm sorry about your show.Copy !req
274. What? How long has he been dead?Copy !req
275. Jesus, Phoebe, that's-Copy !req
276. Yeah. No, I'll hold on.Copy !req
277. - Is that your mom?
- My sister.Copy !req
278. Come here.Copy !req
279. Oh, yeah. I got you these.Copy !req
280. Listen, Pen, I'm not-Copy !req
281. I want to tell you something.
I talked to a psychic today.Copy !req
282. - A what?
- A psychic.Copy !req
283. And she said that you are
gonna be very successful.Copy !req
284. - Really?
- Very successful.Copy !req
285. - Tarot cards?
- Tea leaves.Copy !req
286. Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.Copy !req
287. Tuvia?Copy !req
288. No, why would I have seen her?Copy !req
289. - She did?
- Who's Tuvia?Copy !req
290. - To Manhattan?
- Who's Tuvia?Copy !req
291. Yeah.Copy !req
292. Your niece.Copy !req
293. Divorced? Really?Copy !req
294. I didn't know she got married.Copy !req
295. Yes?Copy !req
296. Hi, Tuvia.Copy !req
297. Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris.Copy !req
298. What do you want?Copy !req
299. I'm back in town for a while,
and I thought maybe...Copy !req
300. Jesus, you gotta be kidding.Copy !req
301. We could go out
and get an ice cream cone.Copy !req
302. He's so convincing
when he's talkin' with you.Copy !req
303. He could convince you of anything.Copy !req
304. He's one of the very few guys
I'd like to have on my side in a street fight.Copy !req
305. You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?Copy !req
306. You're a pretty angry young fella.Copy !req
307. - Can't fight worth a damn, though.
- Hey, screw off, queer.Copy !req
308. Don't think I haven't seen you watching me
in that bar for a week now.Copy !req
309. Kind of a loner, I'd say.Copy !req
310. Fairly bright, a tad antisocial.Copy !req
311. Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?Copy !req
312. There's a school yard half a block down.
Why don't you go trollin' there?Copy !req
313. I can teach you
at least 30 different ways...Copy !req
314. to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris.Copy !req
315. It might help in future bar fights.
Just a thought.Copy !req
316. And there's money in it— good money.Copy !req
317. I figure if I can keep afloat...Copy !req
318. until I come up
with the next game show idea...Copy !req
319. then all would be copacetic.Copy !req
320. That sounds great, Chuck.Copy !req
321. I've never known a television producer before.
I'm impressed.Copy !req
322. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
323. What's this money and a deal
you were talking about?Copy !req
324. I work for a government agency.Copy !req
325. We're always looking for good,
enthusiastic men...Copy !req
326. to help us carry out our directives.Copy !req
327. What kind of work? What government agency?Copy !req
328. Problem-solving work.Copy !req
329. The Office of Diplomatic Security.Copy !req
330. Office of what? I never heard of it.Copy !req
331. Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?Copy !req
332. Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.Copy !req
333. Jesus.Copy !req
334. It is the fuckin' CIA?Copy !req
335. Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.Copy !req
336. Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?
You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?Copy !req
337. Hardly. And you wouldn't
be working for the company.Copy !req
338. You'd be an independent contract agent.Copy !req
339. Independent.Copy !req
340. No official tie to any agency.Copy !req
341. Understand?Copy !req
342. Why me?Copy !req
343. Well, as you know, I've been watching you.
For quite some time, actually.Copy !req
344. I've only let you know about it
for the last week.Copy !req
345. I'm happy to report
you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.Copy !req
346. Are you interested in the work?Copy !req
347. What's the profile?Copy !req
348. Are you interested
in the work, Mr. Barris?Copy !req
349. Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.Copy !req
350. A contract agent, whatever.Copy !req
351. Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women-Copy !req
352. What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris.Copy !req
353. It's essential in quelling
the rise of communism...Copy !req
354. and allowing democracy to get
its rightful foothold around the globe.Copy !req
355. You understand?Copy !req
356. Sure.Copy !req
357. Yeah.Copy !req
358. Yeah, okay. That's good.Copy !req
359. There are several efficient methods
for killing a man...Copy !req
360. were you to find yourself without a weapon.Copy !req
361. The edge of your hand
against your adversary's Adam's apple.Copy !req
362. This will crush his windpipe...Copy !req
363. causing strangulation...Copy !req
364. and death.Copy !req
365. Shit!Copy !req
366. I need another volunteer.Copy !req
367. - You're training me to be a killer.
- See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly bright.Copy !req
368. I'm not killin' people.
My future's in television.Copy !req
369. You're 32 years old,
and you've achieved nothing.Copy !req
370. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.
You better get crackin'.Copy !req
371. - I have ideas for shows.
- Good.Copy !req
372. Why don't you spend another
six months developing them...Copy !req
373. while you're staring out the window
waiting for Larry Goldberg to call.Copy !req
374. - How do you know all this?
- I know everything about you, Chuck.Copy !req
375. I know which hand you jerk off with.Copy !req
376. Left. Leave in the morning, if you want.Copy !req
377. I'm here to tell you,
this is honest work for good pay.Copy !req
378. You're making the world safer
and your country will be grateful.Copy !req
379. It'll toughen you up.Copy !req
380. Wait a second!Copy !req
381. Hey, we gotta talk about this.Copy !req
382. And there it was... my defining moment.Copy !req
383. I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA.Copy !req
384. I was gonna kill for them.Copy !req
385. Call it patriotism.Copy !req
386. Glycerine is, of course,
the best known nitrating agent.Copy !req
387. Keep in mind, though,
that nitro glycerine...Copy !req
388. is extremely unstable.Copy !req
389. A slight tap...Copy !req
390. a one-degree change in temperature...Copy !req
391. and it'll blow up in your hands.Copy !req
392. So, let's mix us up a batch!Copy !req
393. Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker
and fill it up to the 13-milliliter level...Copy !req
394. with red-hot fumin' nitric acid-Copy !req
395. 98% concentration.Copy !req
396. The field phone-Copy !req
397. used as an instrument of interrogation
or torture.Copy !req
398. Attaching firmly to the genitalia.Copy !req
399. Hey, Ivan!Copy !req
400. Are you now or have you ever been
a member of the Communist Party?Copy !req
401. What's your Aunt Tillie's
recipe for vodka cookies?Copy !req
402. All right, Jack.Copy !req
403. Take care, Lee.Copy !req
404. I know a lot about him
that you are not gonna know.Copy !req
405. I can't tell you.Copy !req
406. Yeah.Copy !req
407. I know some things about him
that are very distressing, and—Copy !req
408. and you wouldn't want
to know them about him.Copy !req
409. So, what did this guy Renda do, anyway?Copy !req
410. It's your job to follow directives,
not question their validity.Copy !req
411. Hermano, help me, please.Copy !req
412. No, no. No, no.Copy !req
413. Can I be of some assistance?Copy !req
414. He's a bad guy.Copy !req
415. He's one of the bad guys.Copy !req
416. Bad for the US, right, Jim?Copy !req
417. Not bad in an absolute sense,
just bad for the US.Copy !req
418. Don't fuckin' dance with me.Copy !req
419. Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company.
He's bad for me personally.Copy !req
420. You work for me. Renda's bad for me.Copy !req
421. You're now officially a patriotic citizen
of the United States ofJim Byrd.Copy !req
422. There's no backing out now.
We've let you in on everything.Copy !req
423. You don't play, you don't leave.Copy !req
424. You understand that?
You don't play, you don't leave.Copy !req
425. I like you. I do.Copy !req
426. And you're gonna do fine tomorrow,
and we're gonna become good friends.Copy !req
427. You can have a nice little career,
but you have to grow up.Copy !req
428. There's a war on.Copy !req
429. Beautiful country, isn't it?Copy !req
430. Yeah.Copy !req
431. You did us proud today, Chuck.Copy !req
432. Renda was a bad guy. He really was.Copy !req
433. Chuck, is that you?Copy !req
434. Jesus Christ, Pen!
You scared the shit out of me.Copy !req
435. - Were you throwing up?
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
436. I've been crashing here for a while.
I've been waiting for you. Where you been?Copy !req
437. Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.Copy !req
438. You didn't drink the water, did you?Copy !req
439. - Yeah.
- You're not supposed to.Copy !req
440. That's Montessori's revenge.Copy !req
441. - Montezuma's.
- Right.Copy !req
442. You can't even open your eyes or your mouth
when you take a shower there.Copy !req
443. Why is our water so good,
and their water is poisoned?Copy !req
444. - It's in the same ocean.
- I don't know.Copy !req
445. I'm a hippie now.Copy !req
446. Wow. Great.Copy !req
447. I've been to San Francisco,
and it's amazing there.Copy !req
448. Everybody loves everybody,
and there's so many colors.Copy !req
449. And we're gonna change the world.Copy !req
450. Will you come back there
and be my old man with me?Copy !req
451. Well, not that old.Copy !req
452. Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe-Copy !req
453. Wait. Wait. I got to play you this song.Copy !req
454. Penny, what did you do to my wall?Copy !req
455. Some guy called— Gold bird.Copy !req
456. Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?
You're kidding me!Copy !req
457. Hi. This is Chuck Barris
returning for Larry Goldberg.Copy !req
458. - Hi, Chuck.
- Mr. Goldberg.Copy !req
459. I'm so sorry
I didn't get back to you right away.Copy !req
460. I was out of town.
I was on vacation in Mexico.Copy !req
461. Good for you.Copy !req
462. Listen, I'm sitting here
and going through things...Copy !req
463. and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.Copy !req
464. I think it might be right
for you and your baby.Copy !req
465. My baby, Mr. Goldberg?Copy !req
466. Chuck, Dating Game.
Isn't that your baby?Copy !req
467. - Yes, sir, it is.
- You still interested?Copy !req
468. Yes, sir. Very interested, sir.Copy !req
469. I've got six weeks to get this on the air.
Is that doable for you and your people?Copy !req
470. My people?Copy !req
471. Six weeks? Sure, yeah.Copy !req
472. Give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.Copy !req
473. Goddamn.Copy !req
474. Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss.Copy !req
475. Who's Larry Goldberg?Copy !req
476. Bachelor number one,
what would I like most about you?Copy !req
477. I'm very romantic,
and I'd send you flowers every day.Copy !req
478. That's so sweet.Copy !req
479. Bachelor number three,
what would I like most about you?Copy !req
480. My big cock.Copy !req
481. Bachelor number one,
what nationality are you?Copy !req
482. My daddy is Welsh.Copy !req
483. My mama's Hungarian.Copy !req
484. So I guess that makes me well-hung.Copy !req
485. Bachelor number two,
I play the trombone.Copy !req
486. If I blew you, what would you sound like?Copy !req
487. What would I sound like?Copy !req
488. All right.Copy !req
489. That's nice. Don't stop.Copy !req
490. Blow it, baby.Copy !req
491. Chuck, quite frankly,
these episodes are unairable.Copy !req
492. Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous.Copy !req
493. It's unscripted. That's its charm.Copy !req
494. I can't help what people say.Copy !req
495. Be that as it may, we can't have black men
getting blowjobs on national television!Copy !req
496. The point is not that he's black, Hank.Copy !req
497. Well, I know that.Copy !req
498. Chuck, that's it.
We can't air this stuff.Copy !req
499. If you can't retain
your spontaneity on the show...Copy !req
500. without this lewd conduct, it's over.Copy !req
501. It's finished. You're history.Copy !req
502. Fix this fucking thing,
or we got a problem.Copy !req
503. Hi, folks.Copy !req
504. Before we begin taping today...Copy !req
505. I'd like to introduce you to Mr. PeterJenks
of the Federal Communications Commission.Copy !req
506. Okay?Copy !req
507. Thank you, Mr. Barris.Copy !req
508. I don't know if any of you
are aware of this...Copy !req
509. but it's a federal offense
to make lascivious remarks...Copy !req
510. on a television network broadcast.Copy !req
511. The penalty...Copy !req
512. for this disgusting...Copy !req
513. un-American...Copy !req
514. behavior...Copy !req
515. is one year in prison...Copy !req
516. or a $10,000 fine...Copy !req
517. or both!Copy !req
518. Anyone...Copy !req
519. making a sick subversive remark tonight...Copy !req
520. will be arrested immediately.Copy !req
521. I, then, will personally escort
the offender to federal prison...Copy !req
522. for booking under edict number 364...Copy !req
523. of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.Copy !req
524. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.Copy !req
525. Just you and me.Copy !req
526. No witnesses!Copy !req
527. Okay, have fun, everybody.
All right.Copy !req
528. They gave everybodyjackets
with their names on them...Copy !req
529. and when we got number-one ratings
on Saturday nights...Copy !req
530. everybody got a gold plaque.Copy !req
531. And so, he was a good boss
and obviously had the common touch...Copy !req
532. because he really knew
what people wanted to watch.Copy !req
533. We aired and became a big hit.
A phenomenon, really.Copy !req
534. Hey, baby.Copy !req
535. I got a story to tell you.Copy !req
536. - Asshole.
- I know, I know.Copy !req
537. - I got a little story for you.
- I'm busy.Copy !req
538. We're in the middle
of a bachelorette crisis out there.Copy !req
539. Sit down. Relax.Copy !req
540. Take a load off. Make yourself at home.
I just got a call from the network.Copy !req
541. - You want a drink?
- You got any weed?Copy !req
542. I wish. No, no weed.Copy !req
543. Then I'll have a drink.Copy !req
544. Bad news?Copy !req
545. The Tammy Grimes Show
is being pulled from Saturday night.Copy !req
546. Not Tammy.Copy !req
547. They want me to put a prime-time version
of The Dating Game on in its place.Copy !req
548. - That's fucking great.
- Yeah, it's great.Copy !req
549. But they say the daytime version
is not hot enough.Copy !req
550. They want me to make it
more exciting for nighttime.Copy !req
551. I got 48 hours.Copy !req
552. What have you got?Copy !req
553. I don't have a clue.
I got nothing. I got bupkus.Copy !req
554. This is a big deal, Loretta.
This could be my big break.Copy !req
555. I know.Copy !req
556. - Don't blow it.
- Thanks for the help.Copy !req
557. Let me ask you something, Chuck.Copy !req
558. Jesus. What are you doing here?Copy !req
559. I've been put in charge
of a fairly large wet operation...Copy !req
560. and I could use your help.Copy !req
561. Have you noticed, Jim?
I got a TV show on the air.Copy !req
562. I don't need to kill people for hire anymore.Copy !req
563. I know you don't need to, but you like to.Copy !req
564. Bullshit.Copy !req
565. Think of it as a hobby...
something you do to relax.Copy !req
566. You can be an assassination enthusiast,
a murder bug.Copy !req
567. I got important things to think about here.
I don't have time to fuck around with you.Copy !req
568. This is serious work we're talking
about, Chuck— serious work.Copy !req
569. How about I help you out
with your little show...Copy !req
570. you help me out with my little operation?Copy !req
571. Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.Copy !req
572. Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.Copy !req
573. I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck,
and I do have a thought.Copy !req
574. What, now you're a big television producer?Copy !req
575. I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV...Copy !req
576. and that should make my opinion
ofvalue to you.Copy !req
577. - All right, let's hear it, then.
- All right.Copy !req
578. Some couple gets sent
to some second-rate shit-can restaurant...Copy !req
579. setting you back 50 bucks?Copy !req
580. That's not too exciting a prize
for us vicarious living boobs out in TV land.Copy !req
581. - What's your point?
- Up the stakes, Chuck.Copy !req
582. Send them to some exotic locale...
Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.Copy !req
583. The network's not going to let me send
two unmarried kids on vacation together.Copy !req
584. Send them with a chaperone.Copy !req
585. That's...Copy !req
586. - That's not half bad.
- I'm telling you.Copy !req
587. Sometimes you could be the chaperone.Copy !req
588. Say we have a job for you in Austria.Copy !req
589. You, a successful television producer
chaperones a young couple.Copy !req
590. While there, you take care
of some company business.Copy !req
591. It's a perfect cover.Copy !req
592. TV producer by day, CIA operative at night.Copy !req
593. I got money, Jim.
I don't have to kill people for money anymore.Copy !req
594. Chuck, when I said you fit the profile...Copy !req
595. very little of that meant
you needed the money.Copy !req
596. You liked it with Renda.
I saw it in your eyes.Copy !req
597. You liked it, but you botched it.Copy !req
598. You could be a great warrior, Chuck.Copy !req
599. Bachelor number three,
if we were fixed up on a date...Copy !req
600. and I ignored you,
what would you do to win my affection?Copy !req
601. This guy's never been on a date.
Ready, four. Take four.Copy !req
602. Well, I'm not used to being ignored,
but I would give you your space.Copy !req
603. The only date this guy's had
is with his right hand.Copy !req
604. Ready, one. Take one.Copy !req
605. Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...Copy !req
606. God, she's going for the three.Copy !req
607. Ready, four. Take four.Copy !req
608. The only way that you could be ugly
is by what you say or do.Copy !req
609. I don't know. From where I'm sitting,
I think you're beautiful.Copy !req
610. I can't believe it.Copy !req
611. Bachelor number three...Copy !req
612. can you please tell me what a girl is like
who has never been on a date before...Copy !req
613. and how you can tell?Copy !req
614. Wel, I'll ask her what she likes to do...Copy !req
615. and if she doesn't know
what she likes to do...Copy !req
616. then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.Copy !req
617. Why don't you talk to her?Copy !req
618. You can do that.Copy !req
619. She's real shy.Copy !req
620. You have to tell her. That's your job.Copy !req
621. Tell her that that I think she's real pretty
and I want to be her boyfriend.Copy !req
622. I'm shy too.
You got to tell her that, Chuck.Copy !req
623. I used to skate when I was young.Copy !req
624. I told her that. She didn't even look at me.Copy !req
625. You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's your job.Copy !req
626. She picked me.
She didn't pick those other guys.Copy !req
627. You're the chaperone, Chuck.Copy !req
628. She called me gay.Copy !req
629. I'm not gay. You got to tell her that.Copy !req
630. You're not doing your job very well.Copy !req
631. I know it takes time
for people to get to know each other...Copy !req
632. but this is ridiculous.Copy !req
633. They thought he was-Copy !req
634. They sort of walked a straight line,
because they used to talk about him...Copy !req
635. saying, you know,
"This guy, he can turn on you."Copy !req
636. And I never saw that side...Copy !req
637. but a lot of the crew
thought he could turn on them.Copy !req
638. Chuck?Copy !req
639. Helsinki is wonderful this time of year.Copy !req
640. Especially the snow.Copy !req
641. It affords one solitude
even in a city full of people.Copy !req
642. Excuse me. Is this seat taken?Copy !req
643. By you.Copy !req
644. Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?Copy !req
645. Yes, it is.Copy !req
646. I'm sorry.Copy !req
647. Excuse me.Copy !req
648. Helsinki is wonderful
this time of year, isn't it?Copy !req
649. Especially the snow.Copy !req
650. It affords one solitude
even in a city full of people.Copy !req
651. Hey.Copy !req
652. I'm Chuck.Copy !req
653. So I gathered.Copy !req
654. And you are?Copy !req
655. Here you are, Chuck.Copy !req
656. At least give me a made-up name,
something for me to cry out...Copy !req
657. during those dark nights of the soul.Copy !req
658. Cry out, "Olivia."Copy !req
659. That's Twelfth Night.Copy !req
660. Very good, Chuck.Copy !req
661. I'm pleasantly surprised.Copy !req
662. You're not like the other murderers.Copy !req
663. Here.Copy !req
664. Do you have it?Copy !req
665. - Do you have it?
- Sorry.Copy !req
666. Don't worry.
We're not going to cheat you.Copy !req
667. Yeah, just the same.Copy !req
668. Sorry about your teeth.Copy !req
669. Chuck?Copy !req
670. Olivia?Copy !req
671. It's Patricia, actually.Copy !req
672. Then I spent a year in Operation: Chaos
inside the antiwar movement...Copy !req
673. nudging it towards violence to discredit it.Copy !req
674. That was fun.Copy !req
675. It sounds fun. It sounds fun.Copy !req
676. So, tell me, Patricia,
why did you come up here tonight?Copy !req
677. I don't know.Copy !req
678. You're kind of cute
in a homely sort of way, and-Copy !req
679. It's lonely when
the civilian you're fucking...Copy !req
680. calls out the name on your fake passport.Copy !req
681. All the information I have about myself
is from forged documents.Copy !req
682. Nabokov.Copy !req
683. Wait, wait.Copy !req
684. I got to go into the bathroom
and take care of something.Copy !req
685. Leave the microfilm in, baby.Copy !req
686. Chuck!Copy !req
687. Do you know when my episode is going to air?Copy !req
688. Okay. See you, Chuck. Bye.Copy !req
689. - Chuck, this is Simon Oliver.
- Hey.Copy !req
690. Everything go okay? You don't look too good.Copy !req
691. Mr. Barris, do not ever again
jeopardize one of my missions...Copy !req
692. by having a game show contestant
standing around as a witness.Copy !req
693. - Is that understood?
- You're welcome, pal.Copy !req
694. - Do I make myself clear?
- Fuck you. They're my contestants.Copy !req
695. You are a bloody amateur.Copy !req
696. - You're a faggot.
- Chuck.Copy !req
697. Tell me, Mr. Barris.
Are you in possession of my microfilm?Copy !req
698. - Yeah, I got it.
- Let's have it.Copy !req
699. It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it?Copy !req
700. What is this shit?Copy !req
701. I deserve a little appreciation
for my efforts here, Jim.Copy !req
702. What do you think Patricia Watson was?Copy !req
703. Prick.Copy !req
704. Really? Okay.Copy !req
705. He said he dated none of them. That's right.Copy !req
706. - Sandra?
- Six of them.Copy !req
707. Six of them.Copy !req
708. Well, if it isn't the hit man.Copy !req
709. - What?
- The hit man.Copy !req
710. Surprise!Copy !req
711. ABC's going to pick up The Newlywed Game!
Daytime and prime time!Copy !req
712. You're kidding me! Oh, my God!Copy !req
713. That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic!Copy !req
714. Here's the last
of our five-point questions.Copy !req
715. Girls, tell me where, specifically,
is the weirdest place...Copy !req
716. that you personally, girls,
have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee.Copy !req
717. The weirdest place. Olga?Copy !req
718. Yes, Olga?Copy !req
719. In the ass?Copy !req
720. No, no. No, the...Copy !req
721. It's still there.Copy !req
722. What I'm talking about is
the weirdest location, the weirdest place.Copy !req
723. The weirdest location.Copy !req
724. I don't know.Copy !req
725. Olga.Copy !req
726. Olga, the weirdest...
The location or place.Copy !req
727. You know what I mean?Copy !req
728. I liked Penny.Copy !req
729. I even loved her, in my way.Copy !req
730. But the idea of tying myself down
for the rest of my life...Copy !req
731. I remember my parents' marriage.Copy !req
732. We need a new icebox.Copy !req
733. The Newlywed Game
was based on my theory...Copy !req
734. that almost any American
would sell out their spouse...Copy !req
735. for a washer, dryer
or a lawn moweryou can ride on.Copy !req
736. Such was my respect
for that most holy of unions.Copy !req
737. - "Interpet."
- Interpret.Copy !req
738. - Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow?
- I'm not going to give you a letter.Copy !req
739. You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.Copy !req
740. Okay.Copy !req
741. You look cute today, Pen.Copy !req
742. I always look cute. Don't distract me.Copy !req
743. - What was I going to say?
- I don't know. What were you going to say?Copy !req
744. I think we should get married...Copy !req
745. because we've known each other forever
and we've fucked each other forever.Copy !req
746. And you think I'm cute, you just said.Copy !req
747. And you always come to me
when you're in trouble...Copy !req
748. and I'm nothing like your mother...Copy !req
749. What does that mean? What is that?Copy !req
750. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
751. Don't ask me to marry you again, okay?Copy !req
752. I couldn't breathe.Copy !req
753. I was drowning.Copy !req
754. And what the fuck did my mother
have to do with it?Copy !req
755. So I made a call.Copy !req
756. Over here, strawberry dick.Copy !req
757. How do you know those things?Copy !req
758. We know what she actually
thought it tasted like.Copy !req
759. Really? I could never find that out.Copy !req
760. That's on a need-to-know basis,
my friend.Copy !req
761. What can I do for you?Copy !req
762. I really need something, Jim.Copy !req
763. I need something for my head.Copy !req
764. I got something for your head.Copy !req
765. And you're going on your date
to fabulous West Berlin, Germany.Copy !req
766. The name's Hans Colbert.Copy !req
767. Other side of the wall.Copy !req
768. We don't like him very much.Copy !req
769. You'll be working with a kraut named Keeler.
He's been tailing Colbert for a month.Copy !req
770. Knows the routine.Copy !req
771. Keeler's a drunk,
so stay sober and take charge.Copy !req
772. It's done and done.Copy !req
773. Kill for me, baby.Copy !req
774. What are you writing, Sieg?Copy !req
775. Just keeping track of anything
that happens in the Clara-Zetkin-Strasse.Copy !req
776. That's him.Copy !req
777. Too many people.Copy !req
778. Chuck. Chuck.Copy !req
779. - All right.
- Take the camera.Copy !req
780. What is this?Copy !req
781. What the—Copy !req
782. - Take a picture.
- Take a what?Copy !req
783. Take a picture.Copy !req
784. Picture. Come on.Copy !req
785. Take a picture.Copy !req
786. He would disappear
for a week or so at a time...Copy !req
787. and his secretary would
just say he's out of town.Copy !req
788. We didn't know where he went, so-Copy !req
789. I don't know whether it's true or not.Copy !req
790. I couldn't say.Copy !req
791. The only reason the KGB didn't kill me...Copy !req
792. was they needed me
to trade for one of their Russian agents.Copy !req
793. I promised myself if I got out of this,
I'd live my life differently.Copy !req
794. I'd throw myself into work, into life.Copy !req
795. Penny.Copy !req
796. I needed to see Penny again.Copy !req
797. And tell Byrd I'm out for good.Copy !req
798. If I could just make it past
this one last man—Copy !req
799. this one last...Copy !req
800. I don't know what was worse...Copy !req
801. that I was duped
by that fat fucking bachelor...Copy !req
802. or that it took seven of us to replace him.Copy !req
803. - You're still in one piece?
- Where the fuck you been?Copy !req
804. - Did you have a nice flight?
- Fuck you! Where you been?Copy !req
805. I got one contact, Jim, and it's you,
and if you disappear, I got no one.Copy !req
806. You understand?Copy !req
807. If I had a hammerCopy !req
808. I'd a-hammer in the morningCopy !req
809. I'd a-hammer in the eveningCopy !req
810. - She's good, huh?
- She's very good. Very good.Copy !req
811. That's great.Copy !req
812. That's fine. Thank you so much.Copy !req
813. But I can sing the whole song.Copy !req
814. That was wonderful. Great.Copy !req
815. That was enough. That was fine.Copy !req
816. - All right. Bring in the next thing.
- That was lovely. Thank you.Copy !req
817. Christ, there's gotta be somebody
in America with some talent.Copy !req
818. - Hello.
- Good morning.Copy !req
819. I saw her in a little club in Westwood.Copy !req
820. You're gonna love her.Copy !req
821. If I had a hammerCopy !req
822. I'd hammer in the morningCopy !req
823. I'd hammer in the eveningCopy !req
824. All over this landCopy !req
825. I'd hammer out dangerCopy !req
826. I'd hammer out a warningCopy !req
827. I'd hammer out love betweenCopy !req
828. My brothers and my sistersCopy !req
829. All over this landCopy !req
830. If I were a—Copy !req
831. - No, thank you.
- That's great. Fantastic!Copy !req
832. That was great. We'll be in touch.Copy !req
833. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
834. We've been going about this all wrong.Copy !req
835. Rather than killing ourselves
trying to find good acts...Copy !req
836. we just put bad ones and kill them.Copy !req
837. Chuck, honestly, this—
and I know you like them— this is torture.Copy !req
838. No, no. We kill 'em before they're through.Copy !req
839. As soon as it gets unbearable,
we kill 'em dead!Copy !req
840. Ladies and gentlemen, this act-Copy !req
841. This is so good! I love this, man.Copy !req
842. This next act answers the age-old question:Copy !req
843. If you wear a cellophane... If you-Copy !req
844. Okay. If you wear a cellophane suit...Copy !req
845. can people clearly see you're nuts?Copy !req
846. I don't know. A little humor, folks.Copy !req
847. All the way from Pacoima...Copy !req
848. Mick Donnelly!Copy !req
849. Raindrops keep falling on my headCopy !req
850. Just like the guy
whose feet are too big for his bedCopy !req
851. Nothin' seems to fit, thoseCopy !req
852. Raindrops are fallin' on my headCopy !req
853. They keep fallin'Copy !req
854. So I just did me some talkin' to the sunCopy !req
855. And I said I didn't like
the way he got things doneCopy !req
856. Sleepin' on the job, those...Copy !req
857. Who could have known
there were so many Americans...Copy !req
858. just waiting for
the opportunity to get on TV...Copy !req
859. and make an ass out of themselves?Copy !req
860. Raindrops keep fallin' on my headCopy !req
861. But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turnin' redCopy !req
862. Cryin's not for me, 'causeCopy !req
863. I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complainin'Copy !req
864. Because I'm—Copy !req
865. We'll be back with more stuff...Copy !req
866. right after this message.Copy !req
867. You know what the sad part about it is...Copy !req
868. Barris has a reputation
for lowering the bar of television...Copy !req
869. and the standards and all...Copy !req
870. but he had a great feel
for what people wanted...Copy !req
871. and he couldn't take the criticism.Copy !req
872. Things started
to evolve pretty quickly.Copy !req
873. The show was gaining momentum...Copy !req
874. and I was becoming the one thing
I didn't expect... famous.Copy !req
875. - You're Chuck Barris, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
876. The Gong Show. I love that show.Copy !req
877. Thanks.Copy !req
878. Hi.Copy !req
879. I thought that was you.Copy !req
880. Yeah. It's me.Copy !req
881. Well, I'm glad to meet you.
I've seen The Gong Show.Copy !req
882. Yeah, well-Copy !req
883. I think you're the most insidious,
despicable force in entertainment today.Copy !req
884. How dare you subject the rest of the world
to your loathsome views of humanity.Copy !req
885. Yeah, I don't think it's that loathsome.Copy !req
886. What is it, then?Copy !req
887. To mock some poor lonely people...Copy !req
888. who are just craving a little attention
in their lives to destroy them?Copy !req
889. They're still people.Copy !req
890. They still deserve
a little respect and compassion.Copy !req
891. Who the hell are you...Copy !req
892. and what the fuck have you ever done
to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?Copy !req
893. Oh, that's right.
You created The Dating Game.Copy !req
894. Wow.Copy !req
895. That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.Copy !req
896. Ladies and gentlemen,
it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act-Copy !req
897. That means...Copy !req
898. it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine...Copy !req
899. and just in time!Copy !req
900. He represents more
than just the decline of quality television.Copy !req
901. In my opinion, Chuck Barris
will do more harm to our society...Copy !req
902. than people seem to realize.Copy !req
903. Line one's for you, Chuck.Copy !req
904. - Who is it?
- Some guy.Copy !req
905. He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin.Copy !req
906. Hello.Copy !req
907. Very gutsy, my neighbor.Copy !req
908. I guess you heard about Oliver.Copy !req
909. Someone changed sides.Copy !req
910. What was so urgent?Copy !req
911. I was wondering,
you wanna grab a bite?Copy !req
912. I'm in town for a day.Copy !req
913. Now, assassins don't fraternize.Copy !req
914. That Keeler was calling me
could mean it was my turn to get hit.Copy !req
915. I would take him somewhere
where I knew I would be safe.Copy !req
916. How's show biz?Copy !req
917. Well, it's hit-and-miss.Copy !req
918. I got a new show called
Entertainment...Copy !req
919. which I believe is really, really gonna kill.Copy !req
920. It's sort of a Bob Hope
visiting the troops thing, but it's weekly.Copy !req
921. Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson.Copy !req
922. Chuck.Copy !req
923. Why do you do what you do?Copy !req
924. I like to think that I bring
joy and laughter to millions of people.Copy !req
925. It's a very important thing, I think,
in these difficult times.Copy !req
926. I'm not saying the show is
as good as it can be yet, but-Copy !req
927. No, no.Copy !req
928. Why do we do what we do?Copy !req
929. Come on.Copy !req
930. I got my feet wet in World War II.Copy !req
931. Germany.Copy !req
932. The pleasure of killing was exhilarating.Copy !req
933. Later in life,
I couldn't find a place to fill that void...Copy !req
934. to get that same rush of energy.Copy !req
935. So I started up my own business.Copy !req
936. Gentlemen, are you ready to order?Copy !req
937. I'll have a green salad, no dressing.Copy !req
938. And for you, sir?Copy !req
939. Can I get a steak? Rare.Copy !req
940. Thank you.Copy !req
941. Let me read you something.Copy !req
942. "Whatsoever your hand finds to do,
do it gladly...Copy !req
943. because there is no work, love, knowledge...Copy !req
944. or wisdom in the grave."Copy !req
945. Who is that, Carlyle?Copy !req
946. No, it's the Old Testament.Copy !req
947. It's God.Copy !req
948. It's amazing you should quote him.
He's my hero.Copy !req
949. Killing my first man...Copy !req
950. was like making love to my first woman.Copy !req
951. I remember every little detail-Copy !req
952. the smell of his hair...Copy !req
953. ice on the window...Copy !req
954. wallpaper.Copy !req
955. It's like entering a different time zone.Copy !req
956. You're becoming an outsider...Copy !req
957. isolating yourself.Copy !req
958. You're condemned.Copy !req
959. Condemned?Copy !req
960. You have become...Copy !req
961. their sadness...Copy !req
962. and live in a different state of mind.Copy !req
963. Ladies and gentlemen,
the host of The Gong Show...Copy !req
964. Chuck Barris.Copy !req
965. It's good to see you, Sieg.Copy !req
966. Yeah. It'll be all right.Copy !req
967. It'll be all right.Copy !req
968. Happy birthdayCopy !req
969. I think.Copy !req
970. To youCopy !req
971. Happy birthdayCopy !req
972. Dear ChuckieCopy !req
973. Happy birthdayCopy !req
974. To youCopy !req
975. Is that right?Copy !req
976. Yeah. That's real good.Copy !req
977. That's real good.Copy !req
978. So what's wrong, Chuck?Copy !req
979. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.Copy !req
980. A guy I know killed himself last night.Copy !req
981. A guy I know killed himself.Copy !req
982. - Who was he?
- You don't know him.Copy !req
983. He's a stagehand.Copy !req
984. Why did he do it?Copy !req
985. He didn't like his work anymore.Copy !req
986. - Thanks.
- Thanks.Copy !req
987. Is being a stagehand really, really bad?Copy !req
988. Yeah, it's pretty bad.Copy !req
989. Hello?Copy !req
990. You were supposed to meet me
at the Palm two hours ago.Copy !req
991. - Fuck, I forgot.
- You forgot. Really?Copy !req
992. - Keeler's dead. Did you know?
- Yeah, I heard.Copy !req
993. - What did you hear?
- I heard he took himself out.Copy !req
994. Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?Copy !req
995. He said he was depressed.
I was gonna tell you, but— Hey!Copy !req
996. Who is this?Copy !req
997. - I don't get stood up. Do you understand?
- Fun! Excuse me.Copy !req
998. So glad— Penny. Patricia.
How'd you find me?Copy !req
999. Are you serious?
This is what I do for a living.Copy !req
1000. - What does she mean?
- You're dead in my book, strawberry dick.Copy !req
1001. - Strawberry dick? What's that?
- I'll see you around.Copy !req
1002. Nice to meet you, Penny.
I've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
1003. Why don't you stay for a cocktail?Copy !req
1004. Penny-Copy !req
1005. And, you know, man-Copy !req
1006. I'm giving you one more chance. Get it?Copy !req
1007. Fuck.Copy !req
1008. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1009. Wise men sayCopy !req
1010. Only fools rush inCopy !req
1011. But I can't helpCopy !req
1012. Falling in loveCopy !req
1013. With youCopy !req
1014. Take my handCopy !req
1015. Take my whole life tooCopy !req
1016. For I can't helpCopy !req
1017. Falling in loveCopy !req
1018. With youCopy !req
1019. For I can't helpCopy !req
1020. Falling in loveCopy !req
1021. WithCopy !req
1022. YouCopy !req
1023. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
1024. Line one for you, Chuck.Copy !req
1025. Thanks.Copy !req
1026. Yeah?Copy !req
1027. Keeler didn't kill himself.Copy !req
1028. He was murdered. Watch your back.Copy !req
1029. You can come in now, Mr. Flexner.Copy !req
1030. Chuck!Copy !req
1031. - Great to see ya.
- What's up, Rod?Copy !req
1032. Well— Chuck, may I sit?Copy !req
1033. Hey, how's that redhead?Copy !req
1034. She's good, you know. Keeps...Copy !req
1035. Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk.Copy !req
1036. What's up, Rod?Copy !req
1037. Well, the thing is...Copy !req
1038. some of your old shows aren't doing so well
in the old ratings war.Copy !req
1039. So I've been put
in the unfortunate position...Copy !req
1040. of having to inform you
that the network is canceling these shows.Copy !req
1041. Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.Copy !req
1042. I'm just the messenger.Copy !req
1043. This really is the hardest part
of the job for me.Copy !req
1044. They killed my babies...Copy !req
1045. just like that.Copy !req
1046. I pushed them into the world
through the birth canal of my imagination...Copy !req
1047. Iovingly, tenderly.Copy !req
1048. Where's the humanity of these people?Copy !req
1049. - Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em.Copy !req
1050. They're fucking bastards anyway.Copy !req
1051. Yeah. What am I gonna do now?Copy !req
1052. Oh, baby.Copy !req
1053. Oh, yeah. Feels so good.Copy !req
1054. Chuck?Copy !req
1055. - Chuck?
- Fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
1056. Penny, fuck!Copy !req
1057. I came here to tell you I sold a painting.Copy !req
1058. That's great.Copy !req
1059. What's she doing here?Copy !req
1060. She's...Copy !req
1061. This is our house.Copy !req
1062. It's one thing to go elsewhere
for your pussy needs.Copy !req
1063. But this is our house.Copy !req
1064. It's my house, Pen.Copy !req
1065. It's our house.Copy !req
1066. I found it with you. I decorated it with you.Copy !req
1067. I spent six fucking months waiting
for the fucking plumber to fucking come.Copy !req
1068. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1069. You're such an asshole.Copy !req
1070. No, I'm not saying that.
That's not what I'm saying.Copy !req
1071. Then what are you saying, Chuck?Copy !req
1072. Do you want me around or not?Copy !req
1073. Do you even like me?Copy !req
1074. Of course I like you.Copy !req
1075. Penny-Copy !req
1076. - How much?
- What?Copy !req
1077. I need to know how much you like me.Copy !req
1078. I don't know what that means.
How much?Copy !req
1079. How can I rate a person in that way?Copy !req
1080. You could if you felt it.Copy !req
1081. If you felt it, it would be easy.Copy !req
1082. You would just...Copy !req
1083. spread your arms as wide as they would go...Copy !req
1084. and say, "This much, Penny."Copy !req
1085. Everything—Copy !req
1086. Everything's complicated, Pen.Copy !req
1087. Nothing's black and white like that.Copy !req
1088. Do you want me around or not?Copy !req
1089. Because if you don't, it's okay. Just tell me.Copy !req
1090. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1091. I love you, Penny, in my way.Copy !req
1092. Maybe not in that crazy
head-over-heels thing...Copy !req
1093. but what is that anyway?Copy !req
1094. Romantic love-Copy !req
1095. isn't that just an illusion?Copy !req
1096. You just said you loved me, right?Copy !req
1097. - Hi, Chuck.
- Hey, Jim, what do you want?Copy !req
1098. - How's work?
- Great.Copy !req
1099. Any new game show ideas?Copy !req
1100. Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?Copy !req
1101. We need you to find the mole and take him out.Copy !req
1102. Yeah.Copy !req
1103. Yeah. I'm done killing people.Copy !req
1104. I just want to entertain people.Copy !req
1105. I'm out.Copy !req
1106. No, you're not.Copy !req
1107. Hey, I got an idea.Copy !req
1108. If you want him so bad,
why don't you do it?Copy !req
1109. Why don't you kill the mole?Copy !req
1110. You have a problem with killing, Jim?Copy !req
1111. I just don't fit the profile.Copy !req
1112. What fucking profile?
There is no fucking profile.Copy !req
1113. Okay. There's no profile.Copy !req
1114. - There's no profile.
- Okay.Copy !req
1115. You had a twin sister, stillborn,
strangled by your umbilical cord.Copy !req
1116. Your first hit.Copy !req
1117. Your mother always wanted a daughter.Copy !req
1118. She blamed you for your sister's death...Copy !req
1119. so until your sister Phoebe was born,
she raised you as a girl.Copy !req
1120. What else?Copy !req
1121. Your father, the dentist.Copy !req
1122. Not really your father.Copy !req
1123. Your real father was a man
named Edmond James Windsor.Copy !req
1124. Among other things, he was a serial killer,
a fact your mother didn't know...Copy !req
1125. when she had an affair with him in 1928.Copy !req
1126. - That's ridiculous.
- Is it?Copy !req
1127. That's insane.Copy !req
1128. Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939.Copy !req
1129. I'm trying to think of
what more I can tell you...Copy !req
1130. but you have me at a bit
of a disadvantage, Chuck.Copy !req
1131. I don't have your files in front of me.Copy !req
1132. Come on, Jim.Copy !req
1133. I'm out.Copy !req
1134. As long as the mole's alive,
you're a dead man.Copy !req
1135. How do I know it's not you?Copy !req
1136. You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.Copy !req
1137. You'll figure it out.Copy !req
1138. - Hey, Chuck. I-
- Take it off.Copy !req
1139. Who are you?
What's your name? What's your name?Copy !req
1140. Yeah.Copy !req
1141. That's the way it goes on TV.Copy !req
1142. Get off the stage. Get off the stage.
Go back to Scotland!Copy !req
1143. Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.Copy !req
1144. All right.Copy !req
1145. Ladies and gentlemen,
the prince of puns...Copy !req
1146. the wizard of whoopee!Copy !req
1147. The Unknown Comic!Copy !req
1148. Hey, Chuckie, baby!Copy !req
1149. Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you.Copy !req
1150. - A joke.
- What?Copy !req
1151. What's the difference between toilet paper
and a shower curtain?Copy !req
1152. - I don't know. What?
- Here's the guy!Copy !req
1153. - Get off the stage.
- No, it's my turn, Chuckie.Copy !req
1154. - Get off the stage.
- You're fucking crazy, man.Copy !req
1155. Get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1156. Ladies and gentlemen,
our next act—Copy !req
1157. First came...Copy !req
1158. to us... all the way...Copy !req
1159. Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.Copy !req
1160. Come on.Copy !req
1161. You like the way Mommy looks?Copy !req
1162. Yes.Copy !req
1163. I bet you'd like to be a mommy someday,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
1164. Come here, you.Copy !req
1165. Sorry about your teeth.Copy !req
1166. Happy birthday to youCopy !req
1167. Happy birthday, dear ChuckieCopy !req
1168. Happy birthday to...Copy !req
1169. Come on. Take me away now.Copy !req
1170. Take me away.Copy !req
1171. What are you waitin' for?Copy !req
1172. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
1173. Come on.Copy !req
1174. I see you. I know who you are.Copy !req
1175. What are you looking at?Copy !req
1176. Dear Penny...Copy !req
1177. this is just a note to say that I'm sorry...Copy !req
1178. for all of it.Copy !req
1179. You were the best part of my life...Copy !req
1180. and I couldn't see it.Copy !req
1181. I'm not asking for another chance...Copy !req
1182. just for your forgiveness.Copy !req
1183. Love, Chuck.Copy !req
1184. Well...Copy !req
1185. look who comes out of hiding.Copy !req
1186. I started thinking, Trish,
you're the only woman...Copy !req
1187. in the world who really knows me.Copy !req
1188. I know I screwed you over in the past,
and I'm sorry.Copy !req
1189. I just want you to know that...Copy !req
1190. I hate myself for how...Copy !req
1191. Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.Copy !req
1192. Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself
still respects oneself as one who despises.Copy !req
1193. Shit, I never thought of that.Copy !req
1194. I can't even despise myself with any insight.Copy !req
1195. The insane asylums are filled with people
who think they're Jesus or Satan.Copy !req
1196. Very few have delusions of being...Copy !req
1197. a guy down the block who works
for an insurance company.Copy !req
1198. All right.Copy !req
1199. What is this stuff?Copy !req
1200. I wanted to be a writer once.Copy !req
1201. I wanted to write something that someday
some lesser person would quote...Copy !req
1202. but I never did.Copy !req
1203. I'm the lesser person, Trish.Copy !req
1204. I never said anything meaningful
that wasn't said by somebody else first.Copy !req
1205. I am disposable.Copy !req
1206. I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.Copy !req
1207. I've been thinking about you
a lot lately, Chuck.Copy !req
1208. Yeah?Copy !req
1209. I've missed you.Copy !req
1210. You could have fooled me.Copy !req
1211. Well, I've mellowed.Copy !req
1212. Boston is a beautiful city.Copy !req
1213. We could start over here,
normal life together.Copy !req
1214. Sell insurance.Copy !req
1215. Yeah! That sounds good. That sounds right.Copy !req
1216. Look at that.Copy !req
1217. I could learn to love that skyline.Copy !req
1218. Did you see I got your picture framed?Copy !req
1219. Yeah? Where?Copy !req
1220. - Look.
- Hot dog!Copy !req
1221. To life.Copy !req
1222. You devil. Isn't that sweet?Copy !req
1223. Hey, what about splitting
our time in New York?Copy !req
1224. Fuck. I just bit— It's just a-Copy !req
1225. No, that's too quick.Copy !req
1226. You're supposed to get to
the bathroom and throw up first.Copy !req
1227. God, Chuck, you should have
seen Oliver's face.Copy !req
1228. It was just— Well, if I do say so myself.Copy !req
1229. I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.Copy !req
1230. Keeler was easy.Copy !req
1231. Traveled halfway around
the world for a night with me.Copy !req
1232. Okay. Let's see.Copy !req
1233. Chuck, you've put on weight.Copy !req
1234. Come on.Copy !req
1235. I nearly blew it with Byrd.Copy !req
1236. Never farm out a job
that you should do yourself.Copy !req
1237. Do you want a laugh?
He thought you were the mole.Copy !req
1238. He was going to kill you. What an idiot.Copy !req
1239. "I'm not at all the person
you and I took me for."Copy !req
1240. Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.Copy !req
1241. You see, Chuck, I save everything.Copy !req
1242. All of your lovely notes.Copy !req
1243. You know what?Copy !req
1244. I like Carlyle best too.Copy !req
1245. I really do. Yeah.Copy !req
1246. Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.Copy !req
1247. To life.Copy !req
1248. My name is Charles Hirsch Barris.Copy !req
1249. I have written pop songs.Copy !req
1250. I have been a television producer.Copy !req
1251. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves...Copy !req
1252. with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.Copy !req
1253. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.Copy !req
1254. We have come here today...Copy !req
1255. to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris
in holy matrimony.Copy !req
1256. You all know Chuck Barris...Copy !req
1257. creator of
The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game...Copy !req
1258. The Family Game,
The Game Game...Copy !req
1259. Dream Girl of 1968...Copy !req
1260. Entertainment...Copy !req
1261. How's Your Mother-in-law
and many others.Copy !req
1262. Chuck Barris, who most recently
brought us such hits...Copy !req
1263. as The Rah-Rah Show...Copy !req
1264. The $1.98 Beauty Show...Copy !req
1265. The Gong Show.Copy !req
1266. Chuck Barris,
who I'm sure will be back soon...Copy !req
1267. with even more shows
that will stimulate and educate...Copy !req
1268. and keep us on the edge of our seats.Copy !req
1269. All right, all right!Copy !req
1270. Congratulations!Copy !req
1271. Hey!Copy !req
1272. Thanks, thanks.Copy !req
1273. Thanks.Copy !req
1274. Danny, drive now!Copy !req
1275. Bye!Copy !req
1276. Penny, there's something I gotta confess,
something I gotta tell ya.Copy !req
1277. Listen to me, Penny.
You've known me for a long time-Copy !req
1278. As the host of The Dating Game,
The Gong Show, Rah-Rah Show—Copy !req
1279. Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen.Copy !req
1280. I work for the CIA.Copy !req
1281. Do you understand?
And I kill people.Copy !req
1282. I killed a lot of people.Copy !req
1283. You understand?Copy !req
1284. I killed a lot of people.Copy !req
1285. I came up with
a new game show idea recently.Copy !req
1286. It's called The Old Game.Copy !req
1287. You got three old guys
with loaded guns on stage.Copy !req
1288. They look back at their lives...Copy !req
1289. see who they were,
what they accomplished...Copy !req
1290. how close they came
to realizing their dreams.Copy !req
1291. The winner...Copy !req
1292. is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.Copy !req
1293. He gets a refrigerator.Copy !req