Comet (2014)

1. This is not a dream.

2. This is not a dream.

3. OK. OK.

4. This is not a dream.

5. This is not a dream.

6. This is not a dream. This is not a dream.

7. How did I get here? I don't know.

8. Some... somebody just transferred me here.

9. I don't want to give you my information again.

10. I just told someone five times.

11. Can one of you behave like a real person, please?

12. I'm calling about...

13. Right, yes. I'm her son.

14. What kind of cancer are we talking about?

15. Well, what are her options?

16. What about a liver transplant?

17. Why not?

18. Ask about her Child-Pugh score. Trust me.

19. What's her Child-Pugh score?

20. A B. Uh...

21. What about her bilirubin levels?

22. If they're low enough, they might consider yttrium-90.

23. Hold on. You know, you have really bad social skills.

24. Can you at least pretend to not listen to my conversation?

25. Nobody likes that guy. Don't be that guy. Eyes on the prize.

26. Yeah.

27. What about yttrium-90?

28. Her bilirubin levels are too high?

29. OK. Listen. I'm gonna get on a flight in the morning.

30. So I should be at the hospital by 3:00.

31. But just have her call me tonight, so I know I'm wanted.

32. Thanks.

33. - Fuck! - This is about your mom?

34. Yeah.

35. - How long are they giving her? - I don't know. A few years.

36. - I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

37. What are you doing?

38. I got to roll a joint before the meteor shower starts.

39. - Why? - What kind of question is that?

40. We're about to watch a fucking meteor shower. "Why?"

41. Oh, here.

42. It's for when you apply to college in a few years.

43. Use me as a reference.

44. You're a postdoctoral scientist at Tristana Pharmaceuticals.

45. - Yep. - So you already...

46. Oh, that cancer-y stuff. Yeah, I did.

47. Anyway, uh, I should be able to help you

48. get into top 10 pre-med in a few years.

49. What makes you think I want to go pre-med?

50. Well, other than the fact that you knew what yttrium-90 is

51. when most of your peers are still... battling to crack

52. the mysteries of parallel parking?

53. That's just because my mom...

54. Your mom died of liver cancer. Yeah. I know.

55. Your book bag has a cancer ribbon pinned to it.

56. It can only be a picture of your mom.

57. Fits the age range. You guys have the same nose bridge.

58. Makes sense you want to become a doctor that saves people.

59. Right? Make up for the doctor that couldn't save your mom.

60. You know, in time, those good intentions will fade

61. and become about the money, it always does,

62. and you become bitter, like everyone always becomes.

63. And then you die, probably from cancer.

64. You know, 'cause that's ironic.

65. Is something wrong with you?

66. Probably, yeah.

67. Don't worry. I'm working on it.

68. I just fired my therapist.

69. She was such an idiot, though.

70. She diagnosed me with

71. narcissistic personality disorder.

72. Said I'm under the grand delusion

73. that I'm the smartest person in the world.

74. To which I responded, "What if I really am?"

75. - You know? - Hey. Over here.

76. Watch out!

77. You OK?

78. You alright?

79. This... this doesn't feel real.

80. What?

81. I feel like my life just flashed before my eyes.

82. You know, like in a movie

83. where the main character dies in the beginning

84. but he keeps going, not realising he's dead.

85. Like, what's that movie I'm talking about?

86. You know what I mean. It's like...

87. - What is it? It... it's... - Oh, uh, sure. Uh...

88. Yeah, like Bruce Willis in 'The Sixth Sense'.

89. Exactly, yeah. Wait, no. You know what? I never saw that.

90. Shit. That's the twist that everyone was talking about?

91. Bruce Willis dies in the beginning of that? That sucks!

92. Oh, I really wanted to see that. Fuck!

93. Sorry. I guess I just thought everyone had seen it.

94. Oh, don't worry. No, I'm not that mad. No.

95. I mean, I am, but I'll get over it. Sorry.

96. That's a lie. I'll...

97. I'll probably harbour this for a few more months at least.

98. And then... you know, we'll see... see what happens.

99. That's cute. You have an eating problem?

100. No. Not like... I'm... Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

101. Dude. Come on.

102. You do realise my date isn't the one

103. with the eating problem, right?

104. Oh.

105. What? Uh-oh. Kimberly's annoyed.

106. Kimberly?

107. Kimberly?

108. Hey.

109. - How do you do that? - What?

110. I haven't seen you in a year when...

111. I was literally just thinking about you.

112. - Gosh. Really? - Yeah, because of that song.

113. I was listening to it as I was walking here,

114. and it reminded me of the hotel.

115. The one we stayed at for my friend's wedding in Paris.

116. Yeah, yeah. Paris. The City of Lights.

117. And pretension, as I recall.

118. We had one of our biggest fights.

119. And that was your friend's wedding from Wisconsin, right?

120. What was her name? Lenora or Leonora?

121. - Sarah? Right. - Right. I remember that wedding.

122. I remember that was the one where the DJ

123. played that Montell Jordan song twice.

124. Remember, the first time, we thought it was ironic,

125. and then we realised he just liked the song.

126. Definitely our biggest fight.

127. The beginning of the end, really.

128. Yeah. Yeah.

129. Look, it's like the Beatles, right?

130. I mean, I liked them when I was five.

131. But at a certain point, you just want something

132. with a little more nuance, you know?

133. Don't get me wrong - I could handle them a little better

134. when they had Pete Best to ground them,

135. but past that, I don't know - they just got so... pedestrian.

136. - Do you come here a lot? - Do I come to the cemetery?

137. I like cemeteries, you know.

138. They're romantic. Especially this one.

139. Soccer is by far the most elegant sport.

140. It's gonna overtake football in America in the next two years.

141. Oh, God. Really? Two years?

142. A friend of mine described it perfectly.

143. Clock's ticking.

144. He blogs, "Soccer's...

145. - "Soccer's chess on the field." - Oh.

146. Do you have any vomit bags in there?

147. I guess we could just throw... I'd hate to throw up at a grave.

148. Why didn't you just go to the Griffith Park Observatory, then,

149. to watch the meteor shower?

150. Well, they have assholes there too. Trust me.

151. And there are assholes all over this city,

152. but rarely do you get to be next to one so spectacular.

153. Only knock on him, I have to say, he's from New York.

154. I can't stand that place. Seriously. It's so overrated.

155. Why, because of all the bridges and the culture

156. and the history they have?

157. Who needs it? I'll take Orlando any day.

158. They got so many more TGI Fridays.

159. That's why I love L.A. Los Angeles is just more...

160. - Oh, no. - Modern.

161. There's a relevancy about it. New York doesn't have any...

162. Kimberly, I was wondering if I could have your number.

163. - What? - Your phone number.

164. Dude.

165. She's with me.

166. No.

167. Uh, yeah. She is.

168. No, she's not. Not yet anyway.

169. At best, this is a first date,

170. and I'm shocked that that even happened.

171. I have nothing against you. You might not be a bad guy.

172. Most likely, but maybe not. You're incredibly handsome.

173. You were probably very handsome when you were a kid too.

174. I think that explains your lack of substance and personality.

175. Only because nobody's ever really challenged you before.

176. So now as an adult, you think everything you say

177. means something, but it means nothing, actually.

178. You don't know what you're talking about, it's upsetting,

179. and I think she probably sees through that.

180. You're very pretty, but you're shallow beyond belief.

181. Anyway, can I have your number?

182. - OK. OK. - What are you doing?

183. You just said all that shit.

184. Yeah, but it was just an observation.

185. And you ask my girl out in front of me?

186. Shit. Sorry. My mistake. I see that now.

187. I shouldn't have done that. She's way too beautiful.

188. - What? - I should be more of a realist.

189. I should know I'm a C, maybe a C+ in winter,

190. when I can cover up my body more.

191. Even though you're a douchebag, you're incredibly attractive,

192. so maybe it's only fair you two pair.

193. What? It rhymed.

194. She's right. It rhymed. Alright. Let's...

195. Can you just put me down? This is...

196. This is embarrassing now for everyone.

197. OK. Come on, Josh. The line's moving. Let's just go.

198. - Come on. - Wanna get a good seat.

199. The only thing wrong with you is you're a chickenshit.

200. - That's all. - It's not the only problem.

201. - Let's go. Excuse me. Excuse me. - It's one of many.

202. - You OK? - Yeah. I shouldn't talk.

203. That's when I get into trouble.

204. I'm sorry I made fun of your sandwich bag.

205. I didn't mean to. That's not true. I did.

206. Sorry. I'm really nervous.

207. It's OK. Well, I'm sorry he bothered you.

208. Oh. I'm not nervous because of him.

209. OK. 'Bye.

210. She is so...

211. .. beautiful.

212. Kim, come on. The wedding's in an hour.

213. You got to get ready.

214. So... have you ever dreamt about me?

215. - Dreamt about you? - Yeah.

216. You know, in the 700+ days we've dated.

217. You ever dreamt about me?

218. So... Yeah, of course.

219. Oh, yeah? Like, uh... like, sex dreams?

220. At first, but then we had sex and that went away.

221. Ha. Is that how you really want to say that?

222. I was all hot to trot for you, or whatever, in the beginning,

223. and now, you know, reality set in.

224. That's not what I meant. I meant, like...

225. - I got it. - A dream, like...

226. Ambiguous depictions of what we are,

227. or were, or could be, stuff like that.

228. Will you stop it already? I got it.

229. - Why, I oughta... - Hey! Whoa.

230. Put that down. You're not yourself.

231. - What are you doing with that? - I'm gonna give you what-for.

232. Oh, yeah?

233. Yeah.

234. We good?

235. OK.

236. OK. That was fun.

237. Does it bother you that you don't make me happy?

238. - Always with the jokes. - I'm serious.

239. Seriously, you went from sex dreams to not being happy.

240. False. I wasn't talking about sex dreams. You were.

241. And, secondly, I'm a girl, so, yes, we're non sequitur.

242. - Ah, that's a little clichéd. - I want a baby.

243. - Point taken. - Seriously.

244. Don't you want a baby?

245. Some day, sure.

246. But let's... let's burn that bridge when we get to it, OK?

247. See? Not making me happy.

248. How do you do that? How do you do that?

249. Oh, my God, she's beautiful. She's beyond beautiful.

250. She's real. And she seems funny too.

251. And just have a hint of crazy. I can feel it.

252. Beautiful, crazy and funny.

253. Jesus Christ, she's perfect.

254. It's really annoying. Really...

255. That's... two near collisions for you now in a row.

256. At least this one's not fatal.

257. OK.

258. - OK? - OK.

259. - 'Bye. - Yeah.

260. What the fuck was that?

261. Comets were observed before in ancient times by many...

262. Wait. Wait.

263. What are we doing?

264. Are we into chasing now? What are we doing?

265. Hey. Just stop for a second.

266. I saw... I thought I saw somebody,

267. a friend of mine, behind you, coming over, so...

268. Well, that's why I turned around and waited.

269. So, what's the big deal?

270. Wasn't because you were watching me?

271. It looked like you were kind of watching me.

272. No. It was because of a friend that was behind you.

273. Well, so they're... so they're not there now, obviously.

274. Besides, you were being weird. You were talking to yourself.

275. - What were you saying anyway? - You know, you say 'so' a lot.

276. - It's really annoying. - So, do...

277. Are you trying to make this awkward now?

278. - It feels awkward now. - Awkward feels good to me.

279. And awkward feels awkward to me.

280. That's a little on the nose, don't you think?

281. I'm not trying to fuck you.

282. If that's what you're worried about. I mean...

283. I'm not gonna ask you out, because I don't believe in love.

284. I think all relationships deteriorate

285. into hate, indifference or...

286. Well, yeah, those two things.

287. My parents have been together for 32 years.

288. - And they are happily in love. - No, they're not.

289. - Yes, they are. - No, they're not.

290. If they haven't divorced by now, probably means they've just

291. surrendered to the fact that being apart is much better

292. than being together - you know, the lesser of two evils.

293. It's like an emotional holocaust between your parents right now.

294. They probably have lukewarm feelings about you too.

295. - I'm Dell, by the way. - So...

296. No offence, but I have a... a thing about shaking hands.

297. Oh, my God. You ARE a little crazy.

298. - That's great. - You're not impressing me.

299. - I disagree. - You know...

300. You should stop trying to sound so smart all the time.

301. You just wind up sounding really dumb.

302. I realised why you date guys like that.

303. You have terrible taste in men 'cause you're superficial.

304. You're fooling yourself in the hopes

305. of finding something redeemable.

306. It's 'cause of love. That's your blind spot.

307. You gotta give up on that.

308. Wow. OK.

309. Well, I thank you for your insight, stranger,

310. but... I actually believe love is real.

311. - I'm gonna go now. - Wait.

312. Can I still get your number?

313. - Hello, boyfriend. - Hey.

314. Hey. Listen, uh... Roxette's on and the good part's coming up.

315. - Can I call you back? - Wait, wait, wait.

316. I have to tell you something more important really quick.

317. That book I'm reading, 'The Selfish Gene', Richard Dawkins.

318. There was this fascinating part I just read about memes.

319. He basically says that ideas are like genes

320. that self-replicate and mutate

321. like a... like a... cultural form of evolution.

322. I was thinking about how that applies to us,

323. you know, the idea of us,

324. how we've... we've really mutated and evolved.

325. Because if you think about it,

326. we were just dumb young kids when we first met,

327. then we broke up, got back together, blah, blah, blah,

328. and now, now we're this really mature, loving couple

329. who's grown respect and admiration for each other -

330. you know what I mean?

331. Kimberly?

332. You hung up on me, didn't you?

333. Well, maybe you could.

334. Well, because I'd like her to be at the best place.

335. Well, then, maybe you could introduce me to the head guy

336. at the cancer and immunology lab.

337. Because I've taken an interest. That's all.

338. Yes, Mom, I meditated. Yeah, I meditate before every date.

339. But it didn't help. Face facts.

340. No-one thinks I'm special but you.

341. Well, I'm still technically on it,

342. but it's not working out, trust me.

343. He... called himself a Bob Dylan song

344. and then proceeded to call me a Britney Spears song.

345. I don't know what that means either, but it sounds insulting.

346. No, not him. The one with glasses, moustache.

347. Looks like a child trafficker.

348. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one.

349. Well, if I...

350. I got to go. I got to go.

351. Can I ask you a serious question?

352. Do you think I have terrible taste in men?

353. OK. I'm back.

354. Uh-huh.

355. - Well, I'm at... - I have to talk to you.

356. - I'm on the phone. - No... It's really important.

357. - Really important. - I'm on the frickin' phone.

358. Have you ever cried at one of these things? I was wondering.

359. Mom, I have to go. Something weird is happening.

360. - One of what things? - These meteor shower things.

361. - Cried? - Yeah.

362. You know, like, tears of joy, that kind of thing.

363. No. I've never cried at one of these things.

364. Yeah, no. Either have I, ever, ever.

365. In fact, I don't understand people that do it.

366. It's kind of bullshit, happy crying, isn't it?

367. What are you... what are your thoughts on that?

368. So... I was on the phone.

369. So, yeah, you were on the phone.

370. Sorry. Was it important?

371. More important than your question?

372. - Yes. - Yes.

373. My mistake. Sorry.

374. - I'll never interrupt you again. - Thank you.

375. - OK. - Well...

376. - I should get back to my date. - I want to keep talking to you.

377. - What? - For multiple reasons.

378. You're beautiful, but it's more than that, I promise.

379. Well, that's very nice, but I should go.

380. Maybe I'll see you in the winter, when you're a C+.

381. Oh. See? I knew it. I knew you were superficial. I told you.

382. The only reason you're talking to me is you think I'm hot.

383. The only reason why you won't is because you think I'm not.

384. Fine. Give me a reason why I should.

385. I was saying, "Don't miss her."

386. When you saw me talking to myself, "Don't miss her."

387. I'm always afraid I'm gonna miss the important things in life,

388. and something about you has given me a heightened curiosity

389. to know you better, and that is a near-impossible feat

390. when it comes to me, 'cause I hate getting to know people.

391. But I can tell you're not like the others.

392. - What others? - People.

393. People? You can tell I'm not a person?

394. Yeah. You're not phoney like them.

395. I didn't say you were hot. I said you're beautiful.

396. When is this dumb thing gonna happen?

397. It's a beautiful night, though.

398. What?

399. I never know that means, people saying it's a beautiful night.

400. What does that mean?

401. So... Well, to me...

402. It means it's... it's comfortable, familiar.

403. Yet deeply moving.

404. Right. No, I feel you. Like, um...

405. Like I'm stoned and listen to Steely Dan.

406. No. Nothing at all like that.

407. Not like... No. I know. More like an... Yeah.

408. Like... floating down a serene lake in a rowboat

409. when the sun is setting

410. or like when the sun is... being a part of nature.

411. - Stop speaking. - Yep.

412. It's beautiful when the weather's not hot or cold.

413. Kind of like you don't notice it, kind of like it's perfect

414. 'cause everything's so balanced.

415. You don't even feel it.

416. And while you're feeling that non-feeling...

417. ..you look up in the sky

418. and you almost think,

419. "That's why,"

420. because how everything is right now,

421. all the stars and planets

422. and us and the ground and the cells and molecules...

423. Right now...

424. ..is exactly the reason.

425. Right now is comfortable.

426. You're a now person.

427. - True. - Yeah.

428. See, I'm a five-minutes-from-now person,

429. because five minutes from now,

430. a gust of wind could come and blow H1 N1 in everyone's eyes.

431. Right. Except that's highly unlikely.

432. Or five minutes from now, an earthquake could erupt

433. and swallow us all whole.

434. Right. Except that... Shit. That could actually happen.

435. Yeah - the point is I'm way too anxious about

436. what could happen five minutes from now to be content with now.

437. Can't do it.

438. What if something good happens

439. five minutes from now?

440. - Can't that happen? - No.

441. What did you think was gonna happen

442. five minutes before you met me?

443. Just really paranoid I'm gonna miss it.

444. I miss things a lot.

445. I don't care if I miss it because...

446. You're a now person. Got it.

447. So, another weird thing -

448. I don't mind your pessimism

449. as much as I usually mind pessimism.

450. That's great. I hate people who think I'm too negative.

451. Also, I like your hat.

452. Yeah, I'm probably gonna fall in love with you.

453. Wow.

454. That's it?

455. What were you hoping for?

456. "I'm going to fall in love with you too?"

457. No, but...

458. Well, yeah.

459. So all that stuff about not believing in relationships...

460. That's just a pick-up line.

461. Do we have a deal, then?

462. 'Cause you said you believe in love. I don't.

463. So let's put it to the test - date each other, me and you,

464. in a relationship.

465. Let's do it.

466. Why the hell am I shaking your hand?

467. I should be scared to death of who you are as a person.

468. Instead, I'm scared to death of weddings - death, literally.

469. I'd probably have a coronary

470. right as I was walking up the aisle.

471. Oh, God. Please invite me to your wedding.

472. I'd love to see that.

473. Well, that's morbid and telling.

474. Yeah, well, if snuff films were readily available,

475. I'd probably watch 'em - not gonna lie.

476. - Is that a deal-breaker for you? - No.

477. Because for some reason, I still happen to be in love with you.

478. No, it's because you didn't think

479. you'd be the one marrying me.

480. Wait. You don't smoke weed.

481. What are you doing? Don't do that.

482. So do you still love me?

483. I tell you all the time.

484. If you died right now, I'd visit your grave every single day.

485. Not every day. It's crazy.

486. That doesn't answer the question.

487. Of course I love you.

488. It never sounds real when you say it.

489. Like it doesn't exist.

490. So, what are you doing here?

491. I'm going up north.

492. - Why would you do that? - I don't know.

493. - You don't know? - I... Of course. I'm kidding.

494. I'm gonna... I'm gonna meet someone.

495. So... Right. OK.

496. - How's your mom doing? - Uh, she's actually fine.

497. I can't believe I haven't talked to you this long.

498. Her doctors were huge idiots, so I took matters in my own hands.

499. I figured out a way to dose her with that experimental drug

500. we were developing in the lab.

501. Wait. Are you allowed to do that?

502. No.

503. Wasn't that... extremely dangerous?

504. - Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Well, she's fine now?

505. Yeah, completely. She's in remission. So...

506. - Dell, that's great. - Yeah.

507. I mean, other than the totally unethical

508. recklessly risking your mom's life part, that's... that's...

509. - You... you saved her. - Yeah, I guess.

510. We should probably keep that between us, by the way,

511. just because there's a good chance

512. what I did was illegal... ish.

513. Right.

514. Oh.

515. - All aboard! - Right.

516. - Uh... - We should probably...

517. OK, right.

518. Well, still. Wow.

519. Can't believe you're curing cancer now.

520. Does that mean you've stopped hating people?

521. Not at all.

522. Kill Zelda Fitzgerald.

523. Right?

524. - Who is that? - Really?

525. I don't know who that is.

526. F. Scott Fitzgerald's annoying... wife.

527. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

528. I'd definitely marry Rita Hayworth.

529. - Great hair. - Hair, right.

530. Guys love her hair.

531. I definitely have to shit out of this one.

532. - Olga Kordenstitch? Who is that? - I don't know.

533. I've just always wanted to fuck an Olga.

534. I would definitely marry Tupac.

535. Kimberly Shakur.

536. It's got a good ring to it.

537. I would definitely eff Edward R. Murrow.

538. I picture him starting up sex with,

539. "Goodnight and good luck."

540. I'd probably laugh so much that I'd have an orgasm

541. right then and there.

542. From the laughter, you know?

543. I lied about not seeing 'The Sixth Sense'.

544. - You saw it? - Of course I saw it.

545. Everybody saw it. It's amazing.

546. Who didn't see 'The Sixth Sense'?

547. Why would you lie about that?

548. I read in a woman's magazine that every relationship,

549. whether it be short-term or long-term,

550. there's usually one big lie relative to that relationship,

551. and I just... I wanted to get mine over with, I guess.

552. Why would you want to get a jump start on the lying?

553. Because of...

554. Oh, because of five minutes from now.

555. Well, yeah.

556. You're assuming that we're in a relationship, or going to be,

557. when I'm still technically on a date with someone else,

558. which I should probably be getting back to, by the way.

559. What about the handshake? We shook hands. You can't do that.

560. - I was leading you on. - That's really fucked up.

561. - That's the business. - Well, what about a friendship?

562. Actually, what am I talking about?

563. I definitely don't want to be friends with you.

564. I was raped, in high school,

565. by the quarterback of the football team.

566. Jesus!

567. I know.

568. That is a terrible lie.

569. Hey. How do you know that's a lie?

570. You were raped in high school

571. by the quarterback of the football team?

572. I don't think after-school specials are that cliché.

573. You couldn't have gone with, like, a cornerback

574. or a defensive end or something?

575. Well, I was just trying to get mine over with.

576. - Your what over who? - My lie to you.

577. - You can't. - Why can't?

578. Because I saw it coming, 'cause we just talked about it.

579. You're very good at this.

580. You got to wait until I'm in a completely vulnerable position

581. where I'd really fall for it.

582. - Sounds really dangerous. - Oh, yeah.

583. That's the problem with relationships.

584. - Danger? - Or worse.

585. - Worse? - You change the other person.

586. You are a very broken man, Dell.

587. In theory.

588. Speaking of broken men,

589. your goateed philistine is sashaying toward us.

590. - Run. Run! Run! - What? What?

591. Well, that's settled.

592. Want a hit?

593. No way.

594. It has a weird effect on me.

595. For some reason, when I'm high, I think people can't hear me

596. and I start speaking really loudly.

597. Do you remember memorising phone numbers?

598. I don't remember the last time I memorised a phone number.

599. Yeah, I don't either, actually. Remember...

600. Remember checking the newspaper for movie show times?

601. Can remember that.

602. Or writing people those notes in those, like,

603. folded-up triangles

604. and then... putting them in their lockers?

605. Do you think kids still do that,

606. as opposed to just emails or texts?

607. No way. It's all about emails and texts.

608. Those goddamn hugs and kisses.

609. Oh, I hate those things.

610. Whenever anybody emails me hugs and kisses,

611. I want to just email them back oral and penetration.

612. Are we old?

613. Are we talking like old people?

614. Are we on the verge of joining the sweatpants culture?

615. Was I just saying something?

616. - What? What'd I say? - Give me that.

617. - Why? - Give me that. OK.

618. That's it for you. Mmm.

619. I think you should, uh...

620. You should start drinking some coffee.

621. - OK? - That's why I hate time.

622. I believe I want to have sex with you.

623. Oh, I share in that belief.

624. Hey. Hey. OK.

625. - What? - Yeah. We got to get ready.

626. - Come on. - What the eff?

627. I thought we were gonna make it.

628. I know, but we got to go, Kim.

629. Really.

630. What's that?

631. What is that?

632. You ordered Chinese food?

633. Who orders Chinese food in Paris?

634. Kim, they're gonna have dinner at the wedding, you know,

635. the wedding that we're supposed to go to in half an hour.

636. And you just ate lunch. You're not full?

637. What does that have to do with anything?

638. Jesus. This is the pot talking. You shouldn't have smoked.

639. I knew it. You got to get ready. What are you doing?

640. You made me promise to get you there on time, no matter what.

641. - You warned me you'd do this. - See? This is why I hate time.

642. I can't enjoy my sesame chicken because of that.

643. Kim.

644. I wish I could just... stop it or something.

645. Or at least just make it pause when needed, like now.

646. Really, I'd just get rid of it altogether.

647. You want to get rid of time? How would you do that?

648. You know how there's time-based art?

649. Movies, music, plays - it's all time-based art.

650. There's a beginning and a middle and an end.

651. And you have to see it from beginning to end.

652. You're restrained to that time line,

653. that way of experiencing it.

654. But then there's paintings - no beginning, no middle, no end.

655. You see what you want to see when you want to see it.

656. No restrictions. It's just there.

657. OK. So you want life to be a painting.

658. Great.

659. Come on.

660. Thanks.

661. So do you know you really love me?

662. So, what's in your pocket?

663. My wallet.

664. It's stuffed with our saved movie ticket stubs

665. 'cause I'm a romantic like that.

666. - Can you please get ready? - Shh!

667. Can't you see I'm trying to touch my toes?

668. I don't want to be that couple that's always late for things.

669. Can we please not be that couple?

670. At least for the tenure of our relationship. Please?

671. You did it again.

672. What? What? I'm just saying I want us to respect time.

673. - Not that. - OK. What, then?

674. What did I do that I did twice now and still not know?

675. You said "the tenure of our relationship".

676. You keep speaking about our relationship as if it's ending.

677. OK. You see how this relates to the time thing?

678. Why don't you take your own advice

679. and instead of seeing a beginning, middle and an end,

680. just see it as a painting.

681. Kimberly, what are you doing?

682. We're gonna be late! And I'm gonna somehow get blamed for it.

683. I know it.

684. What... what are you reading?

685. Roald Dahl short stories.

686. So is it about a girl - you're going up north, new girlfriend,

687. you're not telling me 'cause you think it'll make it awkward?

688. Right.

689. Yeah.

690. So, right? OK.

691. - A girl. - I love Roald Dahl.

692. It's the best. Which one are you reading?

693. And are you sleeping with anyone?

694. The one about Hitler. And yes.

695. Shit.

696. I didn't know he wrote one about Hitler.

697. Well, kind of.

698. Well, it's about this doctor that saves this woman's life.

699. She's on the verge of death through the whole delivery.

700. And this doctor is so determined to save this woman's life

701. and the life of her unborn child, right?

702. But... it turns out... the child's Hitler.

703. OK. Did you just give away the ending?

704. How can I tell you what it's about

705. without giving away the ending?

706. What are you talking about?

707. Just say it's a story about a doctor who saves a woman

708. from a potentially fatal pregnancy.

709. - That's what the story's about? - It is.

710. False, birdbrain. That is not what the story's about.

711. It's about the... irony that the baby's Hitler.

712. - OK. You're mad. - I'm not mad.

713. - You're mad 'cause of the girl. - I'm seeing a guy - Jack.

714. - You're seeing a Jack? - He's an executive at MTV.

715. Looks like a cross between Salvador Dali

716. and Dwayne Wayne from 'A Different World', which is hot.

717. That's a weird combination.

718. I got to go to the bathroom really quick.

719. Oh, that... fucking hurt.

720. - What? - You hung up on me.

721. - What happened? - Because.

722. OK, you realise that's not an answer to my question, right?

723. What is it I can help you with, sir?

724. Have I told you how much New York reminds me

725. of why I hate L.A. so much?

726. No, please do, because the New Yorker who opines

727. the inferiorities of Los Angeles is bursting with originality.

728. I'm serious, Kimberly. We gotta move here.

729. It is the fucking best. It's enough already with L.A.

730. It's like a mix of moral nihilism and Disneyland.

731. - So are you. - Hey. Uh...

732. Did I tell you the proof of concept on our drug

733. passed with flying colours?

734. There's actually a bidding war between a few pharmas right now.

735. Looks like we could be licensing it for close to 25 million.

736. - Money for soul seems like... - An even swap.

737. Yes. It's not like I'm not happy for you.

738. But you did already tell me this all this morning, remember?

739. - Did I really? - Uh-huh.

740. Oh, shit. Short-term memory must be shot.

741. What with the smoking pot and whatnot.

742. I'm your new second-term girlfriend, man.

743. Aren't you supposed to be, like, impressing me still?

744. Your second-term boyfriend just told you he made his bosses

745. close to $25 million today.

746. - I'm not materialistic. - Yeah, I know that.

747. But $25 million sort of...

748. ..I don't know, makes that sound retarded.

749. OK, seeing as there's no new information in this call,

750. I am gonna go - I'm almost at the gun range.

751. Hey - don't you think it's cute that you own a gun card

752. and I own a pot card?

753. Now you sound retarded.

754. Listen, we should probably stop saying 'retarded'.

755. I'm starting to feel like an asshole.

756. Oh, is that just now starting?

757. What's going on? You sound off.

758. - You're off. - No, no, no. I'm serious.

759. Cadence is all over the place.

760. You sound a little like Ms Teschmacher

761. when she betrayed Lex Luthor.

762. Something's wrong. I can tell.

763. What's going on?

764. God, this is gonna blow.

765. What's going on?

766. Oh, shit. This is bad, isn't it?

767. This is, like, infidelity bad.

768. I definitely heard a silence just now.

769. What is going on?

770. - You OK? - Yeah. You OK?

771. So...

772. - It's been a while. - Yep.

773. - Glad you're finally here. - Yeah. Me too.

774. Been trying to get a hold of you for a long time now.

775. Do you want a tour of the place?

776. - No. - Oh. OK.

777. - Seriously? - Oh, yeah.

778. You know I don't care about stupid shit like that.

779. Sorry. I have adjusted to normal people.

780. So your presence is gonna take some realignment.

781. - Are you moving? - Uh...

782. No. Kind of. Uh...

783. Do you want anything, by the way, like, uh...

784. I want to talk.

785. What?

786. Nothing. For a second, I...

787. I forgot what you looked like.

788. For the record, I've never forgotten what you look like.

789. OK. Chill out, OK? I didn't sleep with anyone.

790. OK. Did you see and/or touch another man's penis in any way?

791. Really? Out of all the things you want to know, this is what you want to ask most?

792. What kind of question's that?

793. Of course that's what I want to know the most.

794. No. Penises were not involved.

795. Were your boobs and/or vagina?

796. No! It was... texts.

797. That's all it was.

798. Damn! I should never have gone against my own advice.

799. I should always be the better-looking one in the relationship.

800. I just sort of hit an impasse on that.

801. Honestly! Gosh. Dell, do you really think...

802. Who was it?

803. It was my... in-between ex, Jack.

804. Jack? The MTV exec? Are you fucking serious?

805. I thought you hated MTV.

806. - Isn't he short? - He's not tall.

807. Are you seriously defending him? You can't call him short?

808. You have to go with "not tall"? Jesus, you like him.

809. Why the fuck are you being so sangfroid over this shit?

810. You're being way too easy on yourself.

811. You should know I'm standing in the middle

812. of a monsoon right now.

813. Well, so... Maybe I should let you go, then?

814. Why? Because I'm standing in the middle of a monsoon?

815. No, because you... Yes!

816. 'Cause you're standing in the middle of a monsoon.

817. Um...

818. Are you OK? What are you staring at?

819. Oh! My thesis.

820. That reminds me. I've been keeping articles about you.

821. They said that your drug led to major breakthroughs

822. in cancer treatment.

823. That's amazing, Dell. Your mom especially must be proud.

824. - That's me and... - Jack.

825. How long you guys been engaged?

826. So... What are you talking about?

827. Well, you boxed up a lot of old kitchen appliances over there.

828. You've either declared a fatwa on General Electric

829. or you're wedding-registering the fuck

830. out of your friends and family.

831. You've been fidgeting with your ring finger nonstop.

832. You're also giving me that look

833. like you're trying to think of a lie real quick.

834. I might beat the shit out of you.

835. Wedding's in a few weeks.

836. Question is, where's the ring?

837. - Getting sized. - Huh.

838. Question number two - why didn't you tell me?

839. I was gonna tell you, before you did your whole annoying MacGyver thing.

840. Yeah, I don't think that's the reference you're looking for.

841. Does Jack even know I'm here?

842. - Trust me. He knows you're here. - What does that mean?

843. - Why'd you scoff? - What scoff? I didn't scoff.

844. You scoffed.

845. You guys fought about me coming.

846. I'm actually kind of flattered.

847. Didn't know yours truly could threaten

848. the evil prince of the MTV generation.

849. First of all, Jack's leaving MTV.

850. His article in 'Esquire' was optioned by George Clooney.

851. Yeah, well, I won my fantasy baseball league last year.

852. Let's not talk about Jack, OK?

853. I'm happy to not talk about Jack.

854. What's the smoking rule in here?

855. Is he making a face? Is that a...?

856. That's just how he looks.

857. So, I... I had a very vivid dream the other night about us.

858. A vivid dream?

859. What was it about, this vivid dream?

860. It was a dream of memories,

861. conversations that we've had.

862. I saved your life.

863. You owe the person that saved you, don't you think?

864. You had a dream that was really a series

865. of memories of conversations we've had?

866. Yeah, don't hurt yourself. It's not that complicated.

867. Well, 'cause to the brain, there's no difference

868. between reality and dreams.

869. They were just memories of us over the years.

870. What if I don't subscribe to a culture of indentured servitude?

871. You can't unsubscribe.

872. It's a thing of nature. It's here to stay.

873. But they weaved in and out of each other

874. like those... those M.C. Escher drawings,

875. so one second, I'd be on the train

876. that time that we got back together,

877. after our first break-up.

878. Another second, I was on the phone in New York...

879. .. the last time we ever talked to each other.

880. But they... they blended together like a...

881. Painting?

882. I saved your life.

883. If it weren't for me, you would have been run over by that car.

884. You would have been splat,

885. just like my timeless life painting thing.

886. And they were all real,

887. but there was one moment in the dream that was...

888. Well, it was one we never had. It was... it was the only one.

889. What was it about, this made-up moment?

890. It's gonna sound weird - it was... us talking,

891. after not having talked for however long.

892. - Wait. I'm confused. It was... - This moment. Yeah.

893. This moment that we're having right now,

894. so me coming over, seeing your apartment,

895. your life with Jack, and reconnecting.

896. Oh, God, I feel sick. I blame L.A. for this.

897. This is what happens when you fall in love in Los Angeles.

898. Fuck.

899. So... What is this?

900. - Are you breaking up with me? - I don't want to, no.

901. But... you like this Jack guy, right?

902. You realise Jack Tripper was one of my favourite characters

903. in all of fiction?

904. You've forever ruined his good name.

905. Shit. Can I... Oh, shit.

906. I can't even order a Jack and Coke anymore.

907. A vodka soda. Vodka soda.

908. - My life is ruined. - OK.

909. We should just get off the phone, OK? You're mad.

910. And any words we exchange now are gonna be bleak at best.

911. You used to never want to get off the phone.

912. I used to want to get off the phone. I just used to not.

913. And now you can't wait to get off the phone.

914. I don't know even know what we're fighting about anymore.

915. If you want to yell about Jack, fine, but I'm too tired

916. for another one of your meta arguments.

917. There's no way I deserve to be treated like this.

918. I thought you were supposed to be my indentured servant.

919. - Whatever happened to that, huh? - So...

920. What are you talking about right now?

921. I'm talking about that prescription-to-life thing.

922. Right, except it's subscription to nature.

923. - Whatever. - You've got this backwards, kid.

924. - I saved your life. - But then I saved your life.

925. On the train. We ran into each together. We got back together.

926. You mean when you stalked and followed me onto the train?

927. You got off at Chico. You weren't supposed to get off.

928. You were supposed to go to Portland, but because of me,

929. you got off at Chico and weren't on the train when it derailed.

930. - You could have died. - No-one died, Dell.

931. - The point remains. - No, that is not the same. OK?

932. You would absolutely have died had I not saved you.

933. Plus, I saw that car coming. I knew it was gonna hit you.

934. - And I knowingly saved you. - Yeah, well...

935. That's starting to feel like a minus, not a plus.

936. Be that as it may, you didn't know you were saving me.

937. You were just trying to get back in my pants.

938. No! I was trying to get you back.

939. Which just happens to include getting in your pants.

940. So yours was a sinister doing. Mine was pure altruism.

941. But I knowingly saved you too.

942. We just went over this, pothead.

943. You were supposed to get off at Portland to meet Jack,

944. but I knowingly saved you from him.

945. Except I didn't, did I?

946. Fuck.

947. I should have told you I loved you more, when we were together.

948. I mean... I was also such a dick to you.

949. I just thought you'd find it endearing for some reason,

950. like the way people feel about Don Rickles or Mussolini.

951. It's not an excuse. It's just... just a reason.

952. Anyway, I'm sorry, OK?

953. I need a drink, in a bad way.

954. There's a bar car here, and they sell drinks.

955. - Let's go. - Does that mean we have to...

956. We have to walk in between the cars while...

957. I can't do that while the train's moving.

958. - Oh, don't be such a pussy. - Said the dick?

959. The world's at war right now,

960. so I think we should take every little opportunity

961. to put ourselves in harm's way,

962. alleviate some of the guilt, you know?

963. No, no. There's all the scary noises that the train makes.

964. And... what if I fell?

965. I don't have the best relationship with gravity.

966. Put your iPod on. Play something calming.

967. That'll drown out the sound.

968. And I'll hold your hand so you don't fall.

969. Come on.

970. Come on.

971. I won't let you go. I promise.

972. You ever tried asking someone, "Where's my fucking money?"

973. - Have you ever done that? - You mean, like, at random?

974. Or when I'm actually owed money?

975. - No, at random, obviously. - Right.

976. I don't know what I was thinking.

977. It's fun. You should try it. Ask me.

978. Hm?

979. Ask me. Ask me, "Where's my fucking money?"

980. - Where's my fucking money? - Where's MY fucking money?

981. Oh, no, motherfucker. Where's my fucking money?

982. If I don't get my fucking money right fucking now...

983. Where is my goddamn money, you motherfucker?

984. If you...

985. What the fuck?

986. Jesus!

987. That was really fun.

988. Wait. It's just that... Well, say what you were gonna say.

989. And then... after you say it, maybe we should, like,

990. not talk for a minute - you know, let a whole minute pass by

991. without saying something.

992. Say what you were gonna say. We can start right after that.

993. I'm really gonna miss you tomorrow.

994. So, wait - you're saying you dreamt this conversation,

995. a conversation that didn't take place until now?

996. I'm saying I dreamt a bunch of conversations,

997. including this one, which led me to come here,

998. because it made me think... about how much I regretted...

999. You regret meeting me, Dell?

1000. - No. Of course not. - I'm glad we dated.

1001. I needed to date you.

1002. Before you, I only dated guys that looked good on paper.

1003. Yeah.

1004. Wait, what?

1005. You were really, really smart, but also... selfish, crass.

1006. Not always in an entertaining way, mind you.

1007. You hated your job and your life,

1008. and you were completely comfortable being miserable.

1009. You're horrible on paper.

1010. And I loved you.

1011. And being with you made me realise

1012. it doesn't have to look good on paper to feel good.

1013. - What kind of sandwich...? - PB&J.

1014. Of course.

1015. What's your favourite word?

1016. - 'Comet'. - 'Comet'?

1017. Right.

1018. Not, like, 'proliferate', 'ensconce'?

1019. 'Kerfuffle'? 'Serendipity'?

1020. 'Comet'? Like...

1021. 'Comet'.

1022. Yeah. Exactly like that.

1023. What about your least favourite word?

1024. Oh... I don't strongly dislike any word, I don't think.

1025. I sort of have a love-hate relationship

1026. with the word 'finger-fuck',

1027. but that's technically two words,

1028. and I like each one separately.

1029. Hm.

1030. So... do you ever wish you could, like,

1031. control society for a couple minutes?

1032. Like make them all hate MTV or something?

1033. I don't think MTV is as important as you think it is.

1034. You're so wrong. MTV is so manipulative.

1035. It's like a drug that you get hooked on at age 12

1036. that you can't wake up from until you're probably, like, 30,

1037. when you finally realise how awful it really was.

1038. But by then, it's too late. It's, like, won.

1039. You've watched all their commercials

1040. during their week sweep.

1041. I believe it's sweeps week. Sweeps week.

1042. You don't deserve me. I can tell.

1043. That's perfect. I want someone I don't deserve.

1044. You think you've won me.

1045. I can't believe you think you've won me already.

1046. Are you... are you kidding?

1047. You ditched a much prettier man to stay with me.

1048. I've definitely won you.

1049. You are so wrong, my friend.

1050. Holy shit.

1051. You are so easily amused.

1052. Because of the boots, huh?

1053. Sarah's stupid idea.

1054. Louis L'Amour is her favourite novelist, so here we are.

1055. You know, I just realised. I don't even know why we're here.

1056. I don't even like Sarah. Fire?

1057. Just let me have this and then we'll go.

1058. What are you doing?

1059. This feels like a dream.

1060. I love it when you look out windows.

1061. Sir.

1062. Did you damage the bathroom about 30 minutes ago?

1063. Well, I'm obviously gonna tell you that I didn't.

1064. - Sir? - What?

1065. I'm gonna have to ask you to get off at the next stop.

1066. Don't let me find you on here after Chico.

1067. - OK. Sorry. - You got me?

1068. Yes, sir. Thank you. Sorry.

1069. I don't even want to ask.

1070. Looks like our little tryst is about to end.

1071. Get off at Chico with me. Please.

1072. We can have an hour- to two-hour talk.

1073. If you want, get you another ticket to Portland.

1074. An hour- to two-hour talk? That's a long time, Dell.

1075. Well, I'm not meeting anyone, so...

1076. Wait, what?

1077. There's no... girl.

1078. So, what... what was this?

1079. Just another one of your stupid mind games, Dell?

1080. Why did you lie? And what happened to your hand?

1081. You're always hiding things. I'm sitting somewhere else.

1082. Listen. Wait. No, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm sorry.

1083. I lied because I thought it'd make it easier, OK?

1084. - Thought it'd make it easier? - Yeah.

1085. You thought it'd make what easier exactly?

1086. - Talking to you. - Why would it make it easier?

1087. Because I don't think you'd talk to me

1088. if you knew I was trying to get you back.

1089. So, what was this? Is this a plan to win me back?

1090. Yeah, it was. It was a whim that turned into a plan.

1091. How did you even know I was on this train?

1092. Because I f... I... I stalked you.

1093. You could have called, Dell.

1094. You haven't talked to me in a long time.

1095. - I know. - You have my phone number.

1096. You have my email. But you haven't contacted me once.

1097. - Not once in months. - Just... Look.

1098. I know a great public library in Chico where we can talk.

1099. We can talk about all of this.

1100. You want to go to a public library to talk?

1101. - That seems counterintuitive. - They have a talking area.

1102. You happen to know of a public library in Chico

1103. with a talking area?

1104. Yeah.

1105. First, answer my question. How come you never proposed?

1106. Come on, Kimberly. You broke up with me.

1107. How come you didn't fight for me?

1108. It felt like the end of days when you left.

1109. I ate ramen for months. I had a huge sodium imbalance.

1110. Barely got through it. Didn't think I could do it again.

1111. Felt like my... fucking world was gonna blow up.

1112. So me leaving you constitutes your world blowing up?

1113. - Yes. It does, actually. - Next stop, Chico.

1114. Listen. Come on.

1115. I want you to do this.

1116. Why wouldn't you want this forever?

1117. I'd like for once to understand

1118. why you wouldn't want this always.

1119. 'Cause 'always' is scary. There's a finality to it.

1120. Just don't ever want you to feel like a limitation.

1121. OK. Let me go a different way with it.

1122. Why are girls so scared of cockroaches, huh?

1123. It's 'cause you think they'll hurt you,

1124. even though they can't,

1125. just like I'm afraid 'always' will hurt me.

1126. - They're both irrational. - False on so many fronts.

1127. Well, why?

1128. Girls are afraid of cockroaches

1129. because they're gross and they carry disease,

1130. proven by the fact that they're one of the biblical plagues.

1131. Also, they love to lay eggs in your vagina.

1132. Secondly, it's not irrational to think

1133. that commitment can hurt you, 'cause it can.

1134. Know that when you steal a girl's 20s,

1135. it's dangerous business, buster.

1136. You're officially on notice, Mr Pink Lighter.

1137. Duly noted, Mrs Pink Lighter.

1138. No. You can't call me that.

1139. You don't want to marry me, remember?

1140. I didn't say that.

1141. Where's my phone?

1142. Where's my phone? Where's my fucking phone?

1143. Hey, w-w-why don't I call it?

1144. Why are you acting like that?

1145. - Like what? - Uncomfortable.

1146. In the two years we've known each other,

1147. I have rarely seen you uncomfortable.

1148. I'm... I'm not.

1149. You are.

1150. You're hiding something from me.

1151. Oh, God. You just got too stoned, Kimberly.

1152. And I thought we were going after your last cigarette.

1153. - What are you doing? - What are you hiding?

1154. - You know something. - There's no something.

1155. You just got too high.

1156. You best motherfucking believe there's a something.

1157. There is always a something, OK?

1158. This is not the first time I have felt that.

1159. - Felt what? - You.

1160. Saying something like you've slipped.

1161. I didn't slip.

1162. Like a cartoon character on a banana peel.

1163. You know what? You're actually starting to freak me out.

1164. - There's nothing going on. - It's about time you're freaked.

1165. OK, I hate always feeling like the freak in this relationship.

1166. Why are you doing this?

1167. Because there's something you're not telling me.

1168. OK, I know you, and I know when you get uncomfortable.

1169. And it's so rare that I have formed

1170. an acute discomfort detector on you.

1171. Are you gonna tell me what it is,

1172. or are you gonna force me to be late to my own annoying friend's

1173. Louis L'Amour goddamn Western-themed wedding?

1174. Kimberly, let's not do this. This is paranoia.

1175. Hey.

1176. Kim.

1177. Look at me.

1178. Keep looking.

1179. You're right. You're right.

1180. There's something I've been wanting to tell you.

1181. In the dream, I told you I wanted to be with you,

1182. you to leave Jack and walk out the door with me.

1183. Wow.

1184. Do you feel that?

1185. What?

1186. OK. Calm down.

1187. Maybe you just need some air. Let's go up to the rooftop.

1188. So, what else happens in this dream? Do I...

1189. Do I go with you, all happily ever after and the like?

1190. Or do I slap you and tell you, "Begone"?

1191. I don't know, actually. We were looking at each other.

1192. And I went to kiss you,

1193. and before our lips touched, I woke up.

1194. What?

1195. Maybe I never saved you that night we met.

1196. Maybe you did die hit by that car

1197. and this... is just some afterlife fantasy

1198. playing out in your head.

1199. - What? - Something feels weird.

1200. Remember how you used to love flipping the pillow over

1201. to feel the cool side?

1202. Yeah.

1203. That's what our relationship felt like.

1204. Constant tossing and turning,

1205. looking for that perfect balance.

1206. Sometimes it was there. And other times...

1207. I know. I know.

1208. You always expected us to break up. Why was that?

1209. Is that 'cause of your dumb five-minutes-from-now rule?

1210. After we stopped talking,

1211. the five-minute rule started shrinking.

1212. Went... went to four minutes, then three...

1213. .. then two, then one.

1214. Let's go up to the rooftop.

1215. Come on!

1216. I thought my unconscious was trying to tell me something -

1217. you know, by dreaming that dream a few nights ago,

1218. coming here and talking to you,

1219. I might close the gap that... that last minute.

1220. Or...

1221. Or none of this is really happening.

1222. This could still be your dream.

1223. Dun-dun-dun!

1224. - Oh, crap! - What? What happened?

1225. Fucking bird carcass on my windshield.

1226. What? OK. Slow down. Tell me what's going on.

1227. I'm saying a fucking bird just committed suicide

1228. on my windshield.

1229. What? In the middle of our conversation?

1230. What does our conversation have to do with anything?

1231. It must mean something. It must mean that... that... that...

1232. Maybe the bird was commenting on our situation.

1233. Commenting?

1234. - You think this is commentary? - Definitely! I mean...

1235. Something - the universe, cosmos, all that, via the bird -

1236. sent us a signal, yeah.

1237. OK.

1238. I want you to listen to me very, very carefully, OK?

1239. OK. You're gonna be mean, aren't you?

1240. On this already horrible call,

1241. you're gonna be mean on top of it.

1242. You are very, very, very...

1243. You know what, I can't even say 'very' enough.

1244. So just imagine an infinite number of 'very's. OK?

1245. Well, I don't have that kind of imagination.

1246. I can barely picture odd-numbered things.

1247. Well, freaking try, OK?

1248. 'Cause that number of 'very's precedes sick, sick.

1249. S-I-C-K.

1250. Told you you were gonna be mean, and condescending,

1251. as if I didn't already know how to spell 'sick'.

1252. You are not being a nice person right now!

1253. So... I'm at the gun range.

1254. This is a nightmare.

1255. Sartre was right.

1256. - Hell is other people. - I should go.

1257. I've got my goggles on.

1258. You did this on purpose, didn't you?

1259. You wanted me to find out when I was 3,000 miles away.

1260. You were telegraphing all the signs

1261. like you were Samuel-fucking-Morse.

1262. You wanted me to know.

1263. That's the part that hurts the most.

1264. Why would I want that?

1265. 'Cause maybe your feelings for him are real.

1266. How long has it been going on?

1267. - About a month. - A month? Oh, shit.

1268. I'm so sorry for interrupting the honeymoon period.

1269. Hear those are the best parts of a relationship.

1270. I'm gonna go, OK? I've got my goggles on.

1271. Yes, I fucking heard you!

1272. Enough with the goggles already! Jesus Christ!

1273. How are you gonna get off the phone

1274. and just go about your day after this, huh?

1275. 'Cause I don't think all of our conversations

1276. need to necessarily feel good!

1277. They should feel bad, then?

1278. They should be whatever the conversation should...

1279. I don't know! Why are you analysing this so much?

1280. Oh, I'm not analysing it yet.

1281. I'm just giving you my initial gut reaction.

1282. Can I please get off the phone with you and not feel like shit?

1283. You hurt me!

1284. You really hurt me this time, Kimberly.

1285. I want to break up with you.

1286. I don't love you.

1287. No. That's not what you want to say.

1288. That is what I want to say, actually.

1289. I don't... I don't love you, Kimberly.

1290. Honestly, I don't know if I ever really did.

1291. You definitely didn't.

1292. If you're capable of making choices

1293. that knowingly hurts the other person, that's not love.

1294. OK. You're mad. You're mad. You...

1295. How can you say that?

1296. Reality is I could have met any number of girls

1297. to be with for a few years.

1298. That was your lie. Alright?

1299. Texting Jack behind my back. It came when I least expected it.

1300. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

1301. And it fucking hurts. That was your lie.

1302. - Bravo. - OK! Fine.

1303. You want to hurt me? You want to be right? Fine.

1304. Go ahead. Be right.

1305. All I ever wanted was the truth.

1306. No. No. You want to be right.

1307. Truth is not what you're after, because if you wanted the truth,

1308. then you would have to accept the fact that I do...

1309. Who is this?

1310. I'm sorry. Is this Dell?

1311. - Who's this? - Yes. Hi. This is Nancy.

1312. I'm your mother's nurse.

1313. - We met a few times. - Yeah.

1314. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this.

1315. Your mother passed away.

1316. What? It's impossible. She's been OK for years now.

1317. Her cancer's been in remission.

1318. She had a heart attack.

1319. Heart attack?

1320. Why?

1321. Sometimes these things just happen.

1322. This feels strange.

1323. Not what I expected my train ride to feel like at all.

1324. What were you expecting?

1325. I was expecting to read that short story.

1326. The... the Roald Dahl one? You... you already read it.

1327. You know the ending.

1328. Sometimes it's not about knowing the ending.

1329. It can't be the same like it was last time.

1330. It has to be different or we'll wind up right where we started.

1331. I know. I know.

1332. I promise you I'll change.

1333. I promise, OK?

1334. You know I'm falling out of love with you, right?

1335. Just shut up for a second, please.

1336. What do you want to tell me, Dell?

1337. Kimberly...

1338. I used to find it really annoying

1339. that you said 'so' all the time.

1340. Bugged the shit out of me.

1341. And I... I love it.

1342. I love it now.

1343. After we have sex and you shrug your shoulders

1344. and you say, "I'm here all week,"

1345. love that.

1346. I love that a single strand of your hair

1347. can fall so perfectly to the side

1348. and you don't even know.

1349. I love the little blue veins behind your eyes.

1350. I love your eyes.

1351. Knowing you goes down as easily the best thing

1352. that's ever happened to me.

1353. Easily.

1354. If I were a restaurant, you'd be my special,

1355. but nobody could order you,

1356. 'cause I'd just want you to be mine,

1357. just all mine.

1358. Not in, like, a biblical slavery-owning sense

1359. or a pimp-prostitute dynamic of "You be mine, bitch,"

1360. but... but just in that... you're my love.

1361. You're my love.

1362. But my favourite thing of all...

1363. ..I like you 'cause you like me.

1364. I don't know - I think that says a lot

1365. about how great you are as a person.

1366. So, um...

1367. Dell.

1368. Believe me.

1369. Believe me when I say...

1370. ..you almost had me.

1371. Isn't it weird to imagine that one day,

1372. this'll all be old to us?

1373. This walk, us meeting.

1374. Just be an old memory.

1375. This sounds...

1376. .. sad.

1377. Hey. I gotta... I gotta ask you a really big question.

1378. I don't know if you can handle it since it... it's really big.

1379. What?

1380. - Forget it. It's stupid. - What?

1381. Forget it. Stupid joke. You can probably even figure it by now.

1382. - Why would I know the joke? - Because I've already said it.

1383. - When? - Earlier in the conversation.

1384. When? Hey. Come on. I'm so confused.

1385. Sometimes I want to stop people in the streets.

1386. - Who? - Anybody, all walks of life.

1387. On the way to work, to the gym, to school.

1388. - Grab them, like you right now. - Right now?

1389. Right now - look right into their eyes

1390. and I want to ask them one simple question.

1391. "Where's my fucking money?"

1392. I think I'm gonna fall in love with you too.

1393. - Are you crying? - Shut up.

1394. There's still my theory,

1395. that this is just... part of that strange dream.

1396. And so... even if we do kiss,

1397. you'll just wake up and it'll all be over.

1398. - This can't be a dream. - What if it is?

1399. What are you doing?

1400. Something's wrong.

1401. I know it, Kimberly. I know you.

1402. You have circles under your eyes.

1403. You were the type of girl that could sleep through wars.

1404. In spite that, you're still looking so beautiful -

1405. more beautiful than ever, in fact.

1406. It's usually a sign

1407. you want to remind the world that you're a sexual being,

1408. 'cause your man's not picking up the signal.

1409. You've checked out of this relationship, haven't you?

1410. You're not happy.

1411. Also, you're listening to Roxette,

1412. and I know that means the beginning of the end.

1413. And let's get real for a second about the ring, alright?

1414. You're not having it sized.

1415. I'm sure you had your ring size

1416. burned into Jack's memory years ago.

1417. Fuck, I still remember it. 4.5.

1418. You don't wear the ring 'cause you didn't want me to see it.

1419. Don't marry him, OK? I want you back.

1420. And I know you want me back too. That's why I'm here.

1421. That's what you've been wanting to say to me this whole time.

1422. - Dell? - What?

1423. I'm pregnant.

1424. What?

1425. The morning sickness has been keeping me up.

1426. I just really love Roxette.

1427. And I dress this way not to announce to the world anything.

1428. It was you. I wanted to look good for you.

1429. 'Cause no matter how bad our relationship got,

1430. I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for it.

1431. Because I needed it.

1432. I needed you in this life.

1433. That's what I wanted to say.

1434. I gotta... I gotta sit down.

1435. I'm sorry.

1436. I'm not leaving Jack.

1437. I love him.

1438. Wow. You're pregnant.

1439. I didn't see that coming.

1440. Do you know what it is yet?

1441. Not yet.

1442. Hoping it's a girl.

1443. Uh... I almost proposed to you, you know.

1444. When we were in that hotel room in Paris.

1445. I even picked out the ring. I had it with me.

1446. I was about to give it to you.

1447. I took it, and...

1448. I flushed it down the toilet.

1449. I keep replaying that moment

1450. over and over again in my head.

1451. I...

1452. Why are you crying?

1453. I'm just happy to see you.

1454. And it's such a beautiful night.

1455. I feel like I'm in the wrong world.

1456. 'Cause I don't... I don't belong in a world

1457. where we don't end up together, I don't.

1458. There are parallel universes out there where this didn't happen.

1459. Where I was with you and you were with me.

1460. And whatever universe that is,

1461. that's the one that my heart lives in.

1462. I wanted so badly to go back into that dream

1463. I had the other night.

1464. I... tried so hard to go back to sleep.

1465. You know, I never thought love was real. I didn't.

1466. And now I think life isn't real without it.

1467. And that sounds like a really bad greeting card.

1468. Don't.

1469. Don't make it a joke.

1470. Truth?

1471. I think you always believed in love.

1472. This is so stupid.

1473. So irrational.

1474. Why am I so hell-bent on getting you back?

1475. You fucking hate Pixar movies, for crying out loud.

1476. You still have an AOL account.

1477. I don't want to be with a person like that.

1478. Why does it feel so impossible to let you go?

1479. It's an addiction, you know? That's all it is.

1480. It's a biochemical addiction. It's so stupid.

1481. If you think about it,

1482. relationships are all totally narcissistic,

1483. 'cause basically, you're just looking for someone

1484. who will love you as much as you love yourself.

1485. - That's all it is. - No, it's not!

1486. - Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

1487. No, it's not.

1488. I don't know anything anymore.

1489. But I know I do love you.

1490. - Dell? - Just... give me a minute, OK?