Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space (2022)

1. Hey, Chad, I finished hosing all the vomit out of the shower.

2. And— dude, did you let crabs back here?

3. Your face has crabs.

4. (SOFTLY) Nice.

5. No, you idiot.

6. There's crabs in the backyard right now.

7. Whoa, you're not kidding.

8. Dude, they're lighter than they look.

9. It's like they're trying

10. to talk to us or something.

11. What should we do with these things, eat 'em?

12. I don't know, man.

13. Never cooked a crab before.

14. Oh, hey, I've got an idea.

15. Give them some of your beer.

16. No way, man, this is my beer.

17. You give them a beer.

18. Dude, if I'm giving them something,

19. I'm giving them something way stronger than beer.

20. Dude, do you think this is a good idea?

21. Dude, what the hell?

22. Oh, dude, you bled on me.

23. Stop it, bro.

24. You stop it.

25. Fuck you, man.

26. Fuck you back.

27. Dude, are you kidding me?

28. Oh, my favorite finger.

29. (ON RADIO) Salutations to you all.

30. This is DJ Cow Spank.

31. I don't know how your day has been so far,

32. but I'm having a dandy old time pumping out tunes

33. for y'all to enjoy.

34. Later on, I'll be playing some heavier stuff for you

35. all to rage to.

36. But for now, let's dabble with something

37. a little on the lighter side.

38. Now, you're sure this is the place?

39. Six weeks of investigation, eight stoolies, a dozen

40. eyewitnesses, and a drug trail so

41. thick I could bounce a roll of quarters off it.

42. He's in there.

43. Whatever you say, Bobo.

44. That's Detective Bobo, you flat-footed son of a—

45. Freeze.

46. All right, which one of you here is the cocaine king?

47. You think arresting me is going to do any good?

48. You fools.

49. You can't stop cocaine.

50. Cocaine is the world.

51. Cocaine is life.

52. Well, it can certainly get you that if the judge

53. is in a bad mood.

54. You haven't seen the last of me.

55. Heretic, non-believer.

56. Well, I'll be sure and tell the meth queen you said hi.

57. Oh, man, fuck that bitch.

58. She still owes me 2 kilos.

59. Hey, man you like doughnuts?

60. I got some leftovers from this morning's meeting.

61. I sure do.

62. Cool.

63. What's your favorite kind?

64. I'm a powdered sugar fan, myself.

65. You're in luck.

66. See, if you had a job and worked for a living,

67. you'd get first pick.

68. But you don't, so you get the leftovers.

69. What the hell, man?

70. Bootstraps, pal, bootstraps.

71. What is this, a crab rave?

72. You found them exactly like this?

73. Yeah, man.

74. I didn't do nothing but cover them up.

75. All right, what do we got?

76. Two dead.

77. Both took it in the neck.

78. Were you in the house when this happened?

79. No, I was out with my lady all day.

80. She wanted sushi, which is great.

81. But now I'm going to have sushi burps all day.

82. Mr.--

83. No "Mister" here, dude.

84. Just call me Tad.

85. Tad, do you have any pruning clippers here in the house?

86. Pruning?

87. No, we barely do dishes around here.

88. Did your roommates get along?

89. Oh, totally, although Brad did owe Chad $5.

90. They didn't do this to each other.

91. That guy got it first, right in the main artery.

92. There's no way he'd have the strength

93. to retaliate, no matter how much coke might be in his system.

94. Cocaine?

95. I swear it's not mine.

96. Are you telling me you didn't see the dime bag and the razor

97. blade over on the ground next to the table?

98. Of course, I did.

99. Four whole months for that badge, and that's

100. the best you can do?

101. Tell me you can at least get a cat out of a tree.

102. Well, at least I'm not a complete laughingstock

103. at the precinct, Bobo.

104. Here, just because I know how much you blue

105. shirts love fingering criminals.

106. Dude.

107. Eh, sushi burps.

108. (ON RADIO) Detective Reese, Detective Reese, come in.

109. Detective Reese?

110. Detective Reese, are you there?

111. Please respond.

112. Reese here.

113. (ON RADIO) Detective, you're needed at a 187 downtown

114. on Broadway and Pine.

115. Dispatch, I'm already at a 1-8-7 on Maple.

116. Is there anyone else who can take that?

117. (ON RADIO) Negative.

118. You are the closest responder.

119. 10-4, on my way.

120. Detective Charlie Reese.

121. (CHEWING) I'm Steve.

122. Steve, did you did you call this in?

123. Sure did.

124. And how, may I ask, did you phone this in?

125. Cell phone.

126. You have a cell phone?

127. No, but he did.

128. Where is it now?

129. I put it back in his pocket where I found it.

130. His pocket?

131. Yep.

132. He's got a wallet in there, too.

133. No cash in it, though.

134. I checked.

135. I'm sure you did.

136. Steve, were you here when this happened?

137. Nope, heard it from around the corner.

138. About how long ago did you find the body?

139. Oh, about a half hour ago.

140. OK, I'm just going to ask.

141. Why did you hang around?

142. You could have just taken off?

143. Because I want you guys to know that I didn't do this.

144. I know how it goes.

145. You ask everyone in the area what happened.

146. Someone mentioned seeing me nearby.

147. You guys come after me and make my life a living hell.

148. No, thank you.

149. I'd rather just get it out of the way now.

150. I believe you.

151. What?

152. Here.

153. Here's $20.

154. Another officer will be here in 10 minutes.

155. Wait right here, and tell him everything you told me.

156. Should I mention I stole his underwear, too?

157. What?

158. No.

159. It's just I've never had silk undies before.

160. It's like both butt cheeks died and went to Heaven.

161. Really?

162. Silk under— look, just tell him how you found him.

163. And tell him that detective Reese

164. says you didn't do it, OK?

165. Aye-aye, sir.

166. Ooh, yeah, booty like.

167. Ooh.

168. Captain?

169. Captain.

170. Captain, I have got to talk to you.

171. You do realize this is the one time of the day

172. that I want absolutely no one talking to me.

173. Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.

174. But this is important.

175. It always is.

176. You know those two dead frat boys?

177. Well, I just left an alley where someone was

178. murdered in the same manner.

179. You think they're related?

180. All three victims had small body parts removed or severed—

181. throats, fingers, tendons.

182. You do realize I'm still eating, right?

183. Sorry, Captain.

184. So what?

185. You think someone's going around with a knife mutilating people?

186. The wounds don't suggest a knife, sir.

187. The cut marks are made in two opposite closing directions.

188. Reese, do not tell me you think someone's going around town

189. snipping people to death.

190. That is not what I want to hear right now.

191. OK, I won't.

192. Good.

193. Unfortunately, you're going to like what I'm

194. about to tell you even less.

195. Here it comes.

196. I think animals may have done this.

197. And boom.

198. Captain, I'm serious.

199. Oh, I can tell you're serious.

200. That's what worries me.

201. Captain, I know this sounds ridiculous.

202. I know it, too.

203. But I'm telling you.

204. Do I even want to know what kind of animal

205. you think is doing this?

206. You probably don't.

207. Just spill it.

208. Crabs.

209. You realize the entire force

210. thinks you're a laughing stock because of the clown case,

211. right?

212. Did you know they're calling you Bobo behind your back?

213. All except the ones who say it to my face.

214. When they catch word of this, things

215. will only get worse for you.

216. And they will find out.

217. They always do.

218. There's probably one or two of them

219. with their ear pressed up against the door right now.

220. They're like little gossip gremlins.

221. Captain, I would not be doing this

222. unless I was almost certain of it.

223. You think a crab—

224. Or crabs.

225. You think crabs are pinching people to death,

226. and you want me to take this seriously?

227. Well, when you put it that way.

228. Reese, you've got a great record as a detective.

229. But lately, you've got me wondering about you.

230. Well, what's it going to take for you to take this seriously?

231. Well, for starters, get somebody to agree

232. with you, someone who knows what they're talking about.

233. I've already put some thought into that.

234. But we don't have an aquarium or any sort of marine biology

235. facility here in the city.

236. Well, you better find a seafood restaurant or something

237. because right now your story smells fishy.

238. You like that?

239. Smells fishy?

240. I put it in there just for you.

241. Look, Larry, I know technically speaking you're my supervisor,

242. and you're supposed to be the one calling

243. all the shots around here.

244. And I'm just the lowly subordinate,

245. making a fraction of what you do,

246. even though I'm more qualified than you

247. for this job on just about every level there is.

248. But can I ask that next time you move the mail beta

249. fish that you keep a partition between them?

250. Because you see, male betas are extremely territorial,

251. even with betas that aren't even in the same tank.

252. If they're within eyeshot of each other,

253. it can cause them undue stress and even shorten their lives.

254. Thanks, Larry.

255. You're an absolute peach to work with.

256. No, seriously, I mean it.

257. Try not to eat any soap on the way back to your chair.

258. Do you have an Alex Bailey working here?

259. Alex Bailey?

260. How did you know my name?

261. Right, duh.

262. I'm Detective Charlie Reese, and I need your help.

263. Why me?

264. Because I understand you know quite a bit about crustaceans.

265. OK, that's not on my name tag.

266. How do you know that?

267. Manager at the seafood restaurant

268. says you picketed his place before.

269. Guilty.

270. That guy hates me.

271. Wait, I'm not in trouble for that, am I?

272. That was like a year ago.

273. No, I'm here because I need your expertise.

274. Expertise?

275. What do you mean?

276. I need to know that you know your stuff when

277. it comes to shellfish.

278. Shellfish?

279. Well, crustaceans or mollusks?

280. The kind with strong claws.

281. Yeah, crustaceans— crabs, lobsters, shrimp,

282. crayfish, although not all lobsters

283. have pinchers or chelae, as they're properly called.

284. And I wouldn't consider shrimp pinchers

285. to be strong because they're quite tiny.

286. But I'm guessing "strong" is a relative term here.

287. For now, let's just say we're talking about crabs.

288. Oh, sweet, crabs are my favorite.

289. Yeah, well, there's over 6,000 different species of crabs.

290. They're decapod crustaceans that can live in freshwater,

291. saltwater, or on land.

292. They have an exoskeleton with the central carapace protecting

293. their cephalothorax.

294. OK, you pass.

295. But what I really need to know is, can one of these things

296. kill someone?

297. Kill someone?

298. I mean, there are poisonous crabs, but they're very rare

299. and not found anywhere near here.

300. No, no, I'm not talking about poisonous crabs.

301. Well, then what kind of crabs are you talking about?

302. Kind you'd find on a dinner plate.

303. Metacarcinus magister?

304. Dungeness crab.

305. Wait, you want to know if a Dungeness

306. crab can kill someone?

307. That's what I'm aiming to find out.

308. We're talking about a creature that might—

309. might have the grip strength to break

310. the finger of a small child.

311. Trust me, I've been told how ridiculous this sounds.

312. Is that alcohol?

313. That's classified.

314. Say, would you mind coming with me

315. and sharing your wealth of crab knowledge

316. with some of my colleagues?

317. With other police?

318. I mean, sure, I guess, that is if you

319. can get my bonehead manager to let me off early.

320. Leave that to me.

321. Listen, I'm going to need to take

322. Miss Bailey in for questioning.

323. She won't be back in time for you to close tonight.

324. If you have any questions, contact Police Headquarters,

325. extension 229.

326. (LOUDER) If you have any questions,

327. contact Police Headquarters, 229.

328. Is he OK?

329. I've been working with him for over two years now.

330. No, I don't think he is.

331. Ooh.

332. I can't believe you're a DJ Cow Spank fan.

333. Oh, DJ Cow Spank is the best.

334. Is this normal?

335. DJ Cow Spank playing metal?

336. That's about as normal as things get.

337. No, I mean this, getting help from a civilian, like this.

338. Normal?

339. No, but I have done it before.

340. I once got the help of a beekeeper

341. to clear a field that we suspected

342. someone was burying bodies in.

343. Ew.

344. Did you find any?

345. Eh, I'd rather not say.

346. Who does that?

347. There are a lot more sick people in this world

348. than most folks realize.

349. I guess so.

350. (ON RADIO) Detective Reese, Detective Reese, come in.

351. Never a dull moment.

352. Reese here.

353. (ON RADIO) Detective, you're needed at 4777 Meadow Lane.

354. Roger that.

355. On my way.

356. I take it we're no longer headed to police headquarters?

357. Correct.

358. I'm hoping this isn't bad news.

359. But somehow, I doubt it.

360. Wait here.

361. I want to check things out first.

362. It could be pretty dicey in there.

363. Here, make yourself a blindfold.

364. Oh, and lose the name tag.

365. Well, if it isn't Detective Claw Patrol.

366. You managed to pinch any culprits lately?

367. Hey, watch out.

368. He's getting pretty steamed.

369. Uh-oh, I'm in hot water now.

370. All right, you two baby-macing mother—

371. That's enough.

372. Well, Captain, what a surprise.

373. I can only assume you're here to make fun of my "vocrabulary"

374. or tell me I'm "clawstrophobic."

375. Perhaps you'd like to borrow my Shell card?

376. Look, I don't want to hear any more of this crab nonsense out

377. of you.

378. Fine.

379. Then how about you hear it from a professional?

380. This is Dr. Alex Bailey, local marine biologist

381. and sea-life expert.

382. I'm not a doc—

383. Ow.

384. OK, Dr. Bailey, if a crustaceous animal

385. were able to kill someone with its claws,

386. what would that look like on the victim?

387. OK, well, the animal in question would

388. have to be much stronger than any crustaceans found anywhere

389. near this continent.

390. And the ones that we do know of that can break bone, aside

391. from being thousands of miles away, are remarkably slow

392. and easily avoided.

393. However, if that isn't the case and there

394. is a crustaceous animal, or animals, around here

395. that are much stronger than anything we've encountered,

396. their pinchers would leave marks,

397. looking like 2- to 3-inch scissor-style cuts

398. on the victim, likely resembling that of someone who

399. was attacked with some sort of scissors or pruning tool.

400. Now, I'd initially think that all of these cuts

401. wouldn't occur that high on the victim,

402. say, around the feet or the ankles

403. or possibly even the calves, as these animals are not

404. very tall.

405. But if their legs possess the same enhanced strength

406. that their pinchers do, it's quite possible

407. that these creatures are able to jump to great heights

408. and attack somebody in other areas of the body,

409. possibly removing fingers or even more vulnerable areas,

410. such as the neck or the face, severing vital arteries,

411. or even removing facial features.

412. What exactly are you trying to pull here, Reese?

413. There are four people dead, Captain.

414. I am trying to prevent a fifth.

415. By blaming crabs or lobsters or any other pinching creatures

416. you can think of?

417. Well, Captain, unless you have any better leads,

418. unlike our latest victim here, I'm all ears.

419. Captain, the wounds match—

420. no hair or fingerprints found, no weapons

421. found, no footprints, no one seen entering or exiting.

422. Fine, you want to play Dr. Doolittle,

423. just do it out of my sight, Bobo.

424. Come on, Alex, let's go.

425. Reese?

426. Reese, I'm still blindfolded.

427. Ah.

428. Well, thanks for giving me a ride.

429. It's the least I could do.

430. I realize what you were telling them was

431. a stretch, to say the least.

432. But are they always this hard on you?

433. No, this is a recent development with a case a few months back.

434. A European circus came to town, and one of the clowns

435. went missing.

436. Well, I guess that explains "Bobo."

437. Hardy har-har.

438. Everyone seemed to think the clown just ran away or possibly

439. defected.

440. But none of the evidence or testimony pointed that way.

441. I know somewhere out there, there's a field or a creek

442. or a storm drain with a very colorful victim lying in it.

443. I just don't have any way to prove it.

444. And now all this crab stuff is just icing on the cake.

445. I think you mean icing on the crab cake?

446. So why crabs?

447. Why do I like them?

448. Yeah.

449. Ever since I was a kid, I just thought they looked cool.

450. Anytime we'd vacation in a city that

451. had a coast or an aquarium, I'd always beg my parents

452. to take me to go see it.

453. Heck, I've never even eaten one because I never

454. wanted to cause one any harm.

455. I wanted to be a marine biologist,

456. study them professionally.

457. But if you don't have the grades or money, that line of work

458. is just a pipe dream.

459. You're not a fan of them, are you?

460. I can't get close enough to find out.

461. Allergic?

462. My hands itch any time I come near them or anything

463. they've touched.

464. Hence, my near complete lack of knowledge on them.

465. Did your hands itch at any of the murder sites?

466. All three.

467. I believe you.

468. I don't know how any of this would at all be possible.

469. But I believe you.

470. Well, thanks.

471. That makes one person.

472. Hopefully, no one else has to die

473. before I convince anyone else.

474. Oh, and these things aren't going to, like,

475. mate and pump out a billion baby crabs, are they?

476. Well, these crustaceans are far from run of the mill.

477. But larval development can yield up to 2 million eggs.

478. What?

479. Relax.

480. It takes at least three months for the eggs to hatch.

481. And it's not like these things are

482. going to gaze up at a full moon and start pumping out baby

483. murder crabs tomorrow morning.

484. Here's hoping.

485. Good night, Alex.

486. Good night, Detective.

487. This is stupid.

488. I'm not afraid of these things.

489. They just look like a bunch of plastic toy crabs.

490. Ah!

491. Nyah!

492. Ah!

493. Uh!

494. Yah!

495. Why are you doing this to me?

496. I'm the one that likes you.

497. No billions of crabs, huh?

498. Well how the freshwater fuck was I supposed to know?

499. Come on.

500. Let's get out of here before we're turned into crab food.

501. What's our next move?

502. You're asking me?

503. You're the cop.

504. Yeah, but you're the crab expert.

505. Newsflash, these are not normal crabs.

506. I know as much about these things as you do.

507. Well, then I guess we should find out more about them now,

508. shouldn't we?

509. Well, I guess we should.

510. Great, how do we go about doing that?

511. Well, if we had one to study, that'd

512. be a good place to start.

513. That's a pretty good idea.

514. OK, let's go.

515. [EDVARD GRIEG, "PEER GYNT SUITE NO.

516. 1, IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING']

517. Get them off.

518. Ah.

519. Ah, ah, ah!

520. Ah, ah.

521. Ah!

522. Aye!

523. Ah.

524. The hell?

525. Crabble weed.

526. Ah, ah!

527. This is taking too long.

528. This will work.

529. Trust me.

530. It better.

531. I'm running out of patience.

532. Ooh, ooh, I see one.

533. Well, I still say there were, oh, I don't know,

534. several thousand easier ways we could have gone about this.

535. Possibly.

536. But I've never built one of these before.

537. And it gave me the perfect excuse.

538. Well, I suppose I do have to give you

539. points on how quickly you put this thing together.

540. Why, thank you.

541. I'm especially proud of the bait that I came up with.

542. Speaking of which.

543. It's going for the bait.

544. Squee.

545. Well, it's now or never.

546. Here goes nothing.

547. Hey!

548. Are you fucking kidding me?

549. Oops.

550. Oops my ass.

551. OK, now what?

552. What do you mean, now what?

553. Slice it open.

554. Me?

555. You're the crab expert.

556. And you're the detective.

557. You're the one who deals with crimes and labs and cadavers

558. and things.

559. Where the hell do you think I work, Red Lobster?

560. OK, fine, I see more than my fair share of stiffs.

561. But, A, I don't cut any of them open.

562. And, B, they're all human, not to mention the fact

563. that I am highly allergic to these things.

564. (WHINING) But I don't want to cut a crab.

565. It's already dead.

566. It won't feel a thing.

567. Fine, I'll do it.

568. And what, pray tell, do you expect me to open this up with?

569. Is that a switchblade?

570. Those things are illegal.

571. Sure are.

572. What are you doing with that?

573. Handing it to you.

574. No way.

575. What if the police find out?

576. Ugh.

577. Ew, it pootered.

578. Did you say "pootered"?

579. Oh.

580. Ugh.

581. Ow.

582. That is the absolute lowest of low tides.

583. I think I'm going to barf.

584. All right, all right, pull it together.

585. All right, we have to find out what's

586. going on with these things.

587. I don't think crabs are supposed to be

588. filled with that much goo.

589. I suspect you're right.

590. What's that underneath it?

591. All I see is goo.

592. Well, goo and a bullet.

593. Check underneath it.

594. Go on.

595. Well, that's even weirder.

596. We go from a wet goo to a dry powder.

597. Wait, how does a powder like that

598. stay dry inside the middle of a crab?

599. Let me see that knife.

600. How in the hell did that stay unprocessed inside

601. of that crab?

602. What is it?

603. Coke.

604. Cocaine?

605. Are you positive?

606. I've seen enough cocaine to sink two battleships and a circus

607. freak.

608. I am positive.

609. Well, do you think that's what's making all these crabs act

610. this way?

611. Well, I've seen what too much of it can do to humans,

612. so I wouldn't rule it out.

613. Great.

614. So now we know they're junkies, how does that help us?

615. Wait a minute.

616. The first crab murder scene—

617. there were signs of cocaine but no actual cocaine there.

618. Come on.

619. I want to check out that frat house again.

620. But first, we need to make a quick stop.

621. (ON RADIO) Hey, folks.

622. I don't know if things out there are as bizarre for you

623. as they are for me.

624. But this building is surrounded by some aggressively gnarly sea

625. life.

626. And judging by the sheer mayhem these things are causing

627. in the streets, I'm going to remain right here,

628. bunkered up in my crab-free booth,

629. ready to relay any developing news that I happen to hear.

630. (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) DJ Cow Spank?

631. I'm Detective Charlie Reese.

632. Listen, we need to borrow your airwaves for a bit.

633. Like, how do I know you're not a crab trying to get in here?

634. (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Are you frickin' kidding me?

635. Do I sound like a crab to you?

636. I don't know.

637. I've been fooled before.

638. (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Fine, ask me

639. something a crab wouldn't know.

640. OK, how many floors are in the Empire State Building?

641. (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) How the fuck should I know that?

642. Now, see, that's something a crab would say.

643. (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR) Dammit, open the door.

644. Hi, there.

645. Big fan.

646. Hey, there, listeners.

647. This is DJ Cow Spank with you once again.

648. I have in the studio with me at this time Detective Charlie

649. Reese.

650. And he's got an update regarding the crab situation.

651. Take it away, Detective.

652. Hi, everyone.

653. I know things are crazy right now, and in many cases, deadly.

654. But I want you to know that we're doing everything

655. we can to contain this.

656. Now, I don't know the whole story on these things yet.

657. But I do know that they're hopped up on cocaine,

658. and they crave it madly.

659. While it seems that they will attack just

660. about anything and everything, it

661. seems that they are especially prone to attack anything

662. that they think might be cocaine.

663. (ON RADIO) This means anything white, powdery, or both.

664. It's about time we caught a break around here.

665. Hey, that's what I'm saying.

666. So please stay indoors, and stay away from anything

667. they might think is cocaine.

668. Thank you.

669. All right, folks, you heard the man.

670. Stay indoors, and stay away from coke.

671. Whoa, it's like living my 1980s childhood latchkey

672. days all over again.

673. Yo, I ain't got no more coke.

674. Look, I had to start moving Beanie Babies

675. just to pay the rent on this place.

676. Hey, I told you, I got no coke.

677. Fuck me running.

678. So what are we looking for again?

679. This is the scene of the first murders committed by the crabs.

680. Really?

681. Here?

682. Yeah, a couple of frat boys bit it in the backyard.

683. And we all know where they went from here.

684. Yeah, everywhere.

685. But what I want to know is, where were they

686. before they got here?

687. Well, OK.

688. If this is the first time the crabs killed anyone,

689. and we now know that they're full of cocaine,

690. and you said that there were signs of cocaine,

691. but no actual cocaine was found here because presumably

692. the crabs snorted it all.

693. So if they first killed here and they first took coke here,

694. that means when they got here, they

695. weren't super coked out of their minds

696. and probably weren't leaping all over the place, which

697. has them crawling on the ground when they got here.

698. Now, they're not fast enough to cross any major streets

699. without getting run over.

700. And they'd likely be seen, even on one of these side

701. streets, which tells me that wherever they came from,

702. they didn't get out in the open too far away from this house.

703. They either had to have cover, or they

704. were in a place with no foot traffic.

705. Excellent detective work.

706. You get a sucker.

707. Fucking score.

708. So do you always keep giant lollipops in your pocket?

709. Because that was pretty left field.

710. Actually, I always try to keep some form of sweets on me

711. whenever I'm on the job.

712. Well, that sounds weird.

713. Some of the scenes I arrive at can be pretty hairy.

714. And unfortunately, kids aren't exempt from them.

715. So I like to keep a little something on me

716. to help with their nerves.

717. Aw, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say.

718. Oh, but now I'm sad.

719. You gave me sad candy.

720. Yeet.

721. You have absolutely got to be fucking kidding me.

722. What's up?

723. Is that what I think it is?

724. Not going to have a billion babies, huh?

725. What?

726. You said these things weren't going to mate

727. and have a billion babies.

728. So?

729. So there's no away they all flew to Earth fitting in that thing.

730. Well, evidently, these are space crabs.

731. How the frick was I supposed to know?

732. Come on.

733. Oh, look, it's shaped like a little crab—

734. how cute.

735. Don't touch it.

736. But it's adorable.

737. Just don't touch it.

738. We should find a stick or something to poke it with.

739. Ow, fuck butter.

740. I told you we should have found a stick.

741. Wait a minute.

742. If they multiply, that means this is ground zero.

743. And there's a mom and dad crab out there

744. somewhere right now, right?

745. I think we've proven that nothing about these crabs is

746. a gimme anymore.

747. True, but that would be the case under normal circumstances,

748. right?

749. You think there's a mom and dad crab out there

750. who are responsible for the first killing?

751. I sure as shit burger do.

752. Shit burger?

753. We have to find those two.

754. OK, I'm a space crab who's killer alien coke babies have

755. spread all over.

756. What do I do?

757. Probably to find your kids some more

758. cocaine, which doesn't exactly make you mother of the year.

759. I think you're right, though.

760. So we get our hands on some coke,

761. and we lure the two parent crabs out of hiding.

762. If there's even any cocaine left.

763. For all we know, the crabs snorted it all up.

764. I could check evidence locker at HQ.

765. It's no guarantee, but it's our best shot right now.

766. Police headquarters?

767. But that's right smack dab in the middle of crab central.

768. It's too dangerous.

769. Which is why I'm leaving you here until I get back.

770. OK, no arguments from me.

771. Just be safe, OK?

772. Ow, shit burger.

773. Any luck?

774. No.

775. Evidence was trashed.

776. But I did get the next best thing.

777. This is bullshit.

778. You never said you were going to drive me out to the boonies.

779. I don't say a lot of things.

780. Now, come on out of there.

781. Who's this guy?

782. Alex, this is the cocaine king.

783. Your majesty, this is Alex.

784. I don't give two rat farts and a bowling trophy who she is.

785. I'm only here because you said something about letting me go.

786. I did.

787. That is, if you help us out.

788. What do you need?

789. Guy calls himself the cocaine king and asks me what I need.

790. I need cocaine, you idiot.

791. All right, I mean, you just don't seem like the type.

792. But, hey, that's none of my business.

793. It's not for me, you powder-pushing moron.

794. These crabs crave it like Joanie craves Chachi.

795. And I'm going to get some and use it to lure them out.

796. Now, I know you know where we can find some coke.

797. So you better start talking fast before I find a crab

798. hill to stake you out on.

799. Very well.

800. But let it be known that I, the cocaine king,

801. am the only criminal to ever use cocaine to get out of jail.

802. Now, get these cuffs off me, and bring me my cape and crown.

803. Ho.

804. Well, I'll be darn.

805. As you can see, I am never far from my precious

806. cocaine.

807. Now, I have held up my end of the bargain.

808. Are you going to hold up yours?

809. You are free to go.

810. Come on, Alex.

811. (ALL) Hello, Mr. King.

812. It's not bad to be the king.

813. Well, it doesn't look like the crab

814. situation has changed much.

815. I don't see any people, though.

816. Do you think they got your message to stay inside?

817. Or do you think they've all been killed off?

818. I'm hoping the former.

819. Jeez, it's like crabageddon, or a crabalanche.

820. No, wait, crab-splosion.

821. Alex, focus.

822. Right, sorry.

823. OK, we've got a big bag of the one thing that they want.

824. And we need to use it to find the two original crabs.

825. Well, we're not even sure if the two first crabs are even

826. in the area.

827. So we're going to have to cover a lot of ground

828. with what we've got.

829. What if we crop-dusted it, like with a drone or something?

830. Do you have access to a drone?

831. No.

832. Do you know how to fly a drone?

833. No.

834. If you did, would you know how to perform

835. a timed release of a powdered substance from a drone?

836. No.

837. Then that's probably a—

838. A bad idea, right.

839. Gotcha.

840. What if we dusted it ourselves?

841. You mean go over there in the middle of all that?

842. They'd tear us to shreds.

843. Not if they think we're one of them.

844. One of them?

845. Why in the heck would they think we're one of—

846. This is stupid, and we're both going to die.

847. Shh, just think crab thoughts.

848. And keep sprinkling cocaine all over the ground.

849. You sound like the world's worst guidance counselor.

850. Hey, I didn't hear you come up with any better ideas.

851. That's because there weren't any better ideas.

852. But that doesn't mean that this is a good one.

853. Why do you have these things anyway?

854. This is me we're talking about here.

855. I mean, OK, I get that.

856. But why two of them?

857. It's an emergency backup, duh.

858. Moment of truth.

859. (SOFTLY) It's working.

860. Well, what do you know?

861. Hold the course, Miss Bailey.

862. We've got some coke-snorting space crabs to wrangle.

863. (QUIETLY) Reese, Reese, look.

864. Those the mom and dad crabs?

865. Well, they're a different color and about four times the size.

866. Good enough for me.

867. Lucky thing, too.

868. I just ran out of cocaine.

869. Ran out?

870. You can't run out.

871. Well, why not?

872. Because I just ran out.

873. Oh, great.

874. Now what the hell are we supposed to do?

875. What are you asking me for?

876. You're the one who said we needed to find them.

877. Well, I didn't hear you put up any argument to that idea.

878. I thought you had a plan for when we found them.

879. Well, I could say the same for you.

880. You're the one who put us in the middle of all of them.

881. Yeah, that's because I thought you had a plan.

882. Yeah, the plan was to find the first two crabs.

883. Well, mission accomplished, Detective.

884. Uh-oh.

885. Well, if I'm dying, I'm not doing it in this stupid thing.

886. Ah.

887. Ah.

888. Well, there went my best idea.

889. What do we do?

890. We need to make a break for it.

891. I'll go first.

892. And no matter what happens to me, just keep running.

893. Reese, no.

894. It's the only way.

895. Now get ready.

896. 1, 2—

897. Ah!

898. Reese.

899. Ah!

900. Reese!

901. I've had enough of this bottom-feeding bullshit.

902. Argh.

903. Ah!

904. Ah!

905. Ah!

906. Ah!

907. Ah!

908. Ah!

909. What the fuck is in this?

910. It's simple syrup.

911. What?

912. I'm a sugar hound.

913. Ugh.

914. Oh, rot knuckles.

915. Come on, they're getting away.

916. This is really weird.

917. Yep.

918. (BOTH) Gnarly.

919. Jinx.

920. Where'd they go?

921. I don't know.

922. Look, I found the skateboard.

923. Look.

924. Careful in there.

925. Remember, these things are killers.

926. Ah!

927. Nyah!

928. Nuh.

929. I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea

930. to follow them in here.

931. You and me both.

932. Come on.

933. Uh-oh.

934. What is it?

935. Oh, fudge.

936. Yeah.

937. Reese?

938. Go, go, go, go, go.

939. Yah.

940. Reese.

941. You fuckers like blow.

942. Well, blow this.

943. No, wait.

944. Look.

945. Well, I'll be.

946. Do we have enough compressed air for all of them?

947. Not even close.

948. All right.

949. We need to use these to destroy the other crabs.

950. Agreed.

951. And I've got just the place in mind.

952. Let's get—

953. Ha-ha.

954. I was right.

955. You motherfuckers all thought I was crazy.

956. Well, now every one of you bitch-ass cops

957. who made fun of me can eat my entire ass.

958. (SING-SONG) I was fucking right.

959. I was fucking right.

960. You're all moronic bullies.

961. And you can suck some clown shit.

962. Reese.

963. Reese, we have to go.

964. (SING-SONG) Take your stupid badges,

965. and shove them up your asses.

966. Reese, come on.

967. Sniff a dead clown's butt, you flat-footed bastards.

968. DJ Cow Spank?

969. It's us again.

970. It's OK.

971. These are good crabs.

972. DJ Cow Spank, we're going to need to borrow

973. your airwaves one more time.

974. Listen up all my faithful listeners out there.

975. This is DJ Cow Spank—

976. —once again, back on the air and broadcasting to you live.

977. I know it's a little weird out there,

978. and it seems like the ocean barfed up little demon critters

979. everywhere.

980. But I have some good news.

981. Back in the studio with me are Detective Charlie Reese

982. and Alex Bailey.

983. And thanks to them, we have a frequency

984. that will end this crustaceous nightmare.

985. So whether you're here in town or listening

986. through your web feed, crank your volume.

987. Plug your ears, and get ready for one heck

988. of a crab-splosion.

989. See?

990. I told you, crab-splosion.

991. Oh.

992. People of Earth, my name is

993. from the planet Crabulon.

994. And this is my life mate, Susan.

995. We would like to thank all of you for being so understanding

996. and for letting us speak to you now, even after all

997. the damage that has been done.

998. For you see, we had no idea what cocaine was

999. and that it would have such a rampaging effect on us.

1000. Or that it would make me pump out

1001. a billion coke-powered murder babies, like I

1002. was some sort of nuclear-powered PEZ dispenser.

1003. Yeah, we— we're totally sorry about that.

1004. Mm-hmm, yeah, we're so sorry.

1005. Also, it wasn't even our idea to take

1006. the cocaine in the first place.

1007. It's true.

1008. One of your earthling frat boys shoved it in our faces.

1009. So there.

1010. Seriously, folks, I speak firsthand

1011. when I say that none of you should ever do cocaine.

1012. Yes.

1013. Yes, that's right, no matter how much housework

1014. you may have to do.

1015. It's dangerous stuff.

1016. It sure is.

1017. And we're also sorry for the loss of life that the two of us

1018. directly caused.

1019. But one of them was a classist yuppie piece of shit.

1020. So there is that.

1021. Yeah.

1022. Nice.

1023. Thank you.

1024. Also, we hold no grudge towards you

1025. or any of your people for any of our offspring

1026. that you may have destroyed.

1027. Let's face it.

1028. They were bloodthirsty alien coke babies,

1029. and they needed to die.

1030. We'll take questions now.

1031. Can you tell us anything?

1032. What's the—

1033. What's it like on planet Crabulon?

1034. Well, we finally got a Cheesecake Factory,

1035. so we're pretty stoked about that.

1036. Does your kind ever wear pants?

1037. Only on casual Fridays.

1038. What was it like to kill millions of your own children?

1039. It felt pretty good.

1040. Next question.

1041. Do you have any racists on planet Crabulon?

1042. No, we feed racists to the elephant squid.

1043. How much pinching occurs on your planet?

1044. Not as much as you'd think.

1045. Why exactly did you come here?

1046. We've been trying to reach you about your car's

1047. extended warranty.

1048. Boy, I sure hope they got good meth on this planet.

1049. Damn straight.

1050. Yeah!

1051. (SINGING) Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1052. They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

1053. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1054. They want to eat you because they like the way you taste.

1055. And we think of space as deep and dark and vast.

1056. But their crab spaceship found us really fast.

1057. They've been traveling since the day of their birth,

1058. till they discovered cocaine right here on Earth.

1059. They liked it so much, they decided to stay.

1060. They killed everything that got in their way.

1061. They don't want slaves or our dogs.

1062. They want our cocaine with a side of frogs.

1063. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1064. They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

1065. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1066. They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you taste.

1067. They didn't come here to smoke our Mary Jane.

1068. We never thought they'd take all of our cocaine.

1069. We've never seen an invasion such as this.

1070. We thought there'd be a sign, thanks for all the fish.

1071. Those cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1072. They've traveled so far just to pinch your face.

1073. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1074. They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you taste.

1075. So if you see a crab scooting down the street,

1076. and it wants to snort cocaine off your dirty feet.

1077. Just remember, they're a visiting alien race,

1078. those cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1079. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1080. They've traveled so far just to eat your face.

1081. Cocaine-snorting crabs from outer space.

1082. They want to eat you 'cause they like the way you (ECHOING)

1083. taste.

1084. Yah, I'm a crab.