1. Okay, you're probably going, "Is this
a Noxzema commercial or what?"
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2. But seriously, I actually have
a way normal life for a teenage girl.
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3. I get up, I brush my teeth,
and I pick out my school clothes.
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4. Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.
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5. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.
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6. And Daddy's so good, he gets
$500 an hour to fight with people.
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7. He fights with me for free
because I'm his daughter.
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8. - Daddy.
- Cher, please don't start
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9. - with the juice again.
- Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
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10. Where's my briefcase?
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11. It's been a couple of months now,
so I said we'd go out to Malibu.
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12. Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes
have been calling again.
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13. They are your parents.
And don't try sneaking out of the office.
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14. Dr. Lovett's coming by
to give you a flu shot.
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15. Josh is in town, he's coming for dinner.
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16. - Why?
- He's your stepbrother.
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17. You were hardly even married to
his mother and that was five years ago.
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18. - Why do I have to see Josh?
- You divorce wives, not children.
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19. - Here.
- Forget it!
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20. Did I show you the loqued-out jeep
Daddy got me?
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21. It's got four-wheel drive, dual side
airbags, and a monster sound system.
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22. I don't have a license yet,
but I needed something to learn on.
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23. Boy, they came out of nowhere.
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24. Here's where Dionne lives.
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25. She's my friend because we both know
what it's like
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26. to have people be jealous of us.
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27. Dude!
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28. Girlfriend!
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29. And I must give her snaps
for her courageous fashion efforts.
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30. Hey, Cher.
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31. Dionne and I were both named
after great singers of the past
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32. who now do infomercials.
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33. So?
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34. Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?
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35. At least I wouldn't skin a collie
to make my backpack.
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36. It's faux.
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37. - Hello! That was a stop sign.
- I totally paused.
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38. Yeah. Okay.
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39. It's not even 8:30
and Murray is paging me.
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40. - He is so possessive.
- Tell me about it.
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41. This weekend he called me
and he's all, "Where were you?"
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42. I'm like, "I'm at my grandmother's..."
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43. Dionne and her boyfriend Murray
are in this dramatic relationship.
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44. I think they've seen
that Ike and Tina Turner movie
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45. just too many times.
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46. Now I have to say to her...
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47. De, why do you put up with it?
You could do so much better.
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48. I know. Here he comes.
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49. Woman, why don't you be answering
any of my pages?
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50. - I hate when you call me "woman."
- Where you been all weekend?
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51. - You jeeping behind my back?
- Jeeping?
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52. Jeeping. Know what I'm saying?
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53. No, but speaking of vehicular sex
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54. perhaps you can explain
how this cheap K-Mart hair extension
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55. - got into the back seat of your car.
- I don't know where that came from.
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56. That looks like one of your little stringy
things you got up in your hair.
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57. I do not wear polyester hair, okay?
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58. Unlike some people I know,
like Shawana.
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59. - De, I'm Audi.
- Bye.
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60. - Why do you gotta go there?
- That's it! I've had it with you!
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61. Is it that time of the month again?
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62. I don't know why Dionne's going out
with a high-school boy.
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63. They're like dogs.
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64. You have to clean them
and feed them and...
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65. They're just like
these nervous creatures
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66. that jump and slobber all over you.
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67. Get off of me.
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68. As if!
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69. Should all oppressed people
be allowed refuge in America?
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70. Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.
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71. Cher, two minutes.
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72. So, okay.
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73. Like right now, for example, the Haitians
need to come to America.
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74. But some people are all, "What about
the strain on our resources?"
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75. But it's like, when I had this garden
party for my father's birthday, right?
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76. I said RSVP
because it was a sit-down dinner.
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77. But people came that, like, did not
RSVP. So, I was like totally bugging.
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78. I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the food,
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79. squish in extra place settings,
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80. but by the end of the day
it was, like, the more the merrier.
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81. And so, if the government could just
get to the kitchen,
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82. rearrange some things, we could
certainly party with the Haitians.
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83. And in conclusion,
may I please remind you
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84. that it does not say "RSVP"
on the Statue of Liberty.
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85. Thank you very much.
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86. Amber, a reply?
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87. Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?
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88. The topic is Haiti
and she's talking about some little party.
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89. Hello! It was his 50th birthday.
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90. Whatever. If she doesn't
do the assignment, I can't do mine.
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91. Ladies.
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92. So, does anyone have
any further thoughts on Cher's oration?
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93. Elton, comments?
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94. Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD.
I gotta go to the Quad
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95. - before somebody snags it.
- I'm afraid I can't permit that.
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96. - Any further insights?
- I had an insight, Mr. Hall.
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97. I'm all ears.
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98. Okay. Like, the way I feel
about the Rolling Stones
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99. is the way my kids are gonna feel
about Nine Inch Nails,
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100. so I really shouldn't torment my mom
anymore, huh?
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101. Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject
of Haiti
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102. but tolerance is always a good lesson.
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103. - Thank you.
- Even when it comes out of nowhere.
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104. And with that in mind,
I'm going to distribute your report cards.
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105. Now, is there a Christian Stovitz
in this class?
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106. Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is
that his parents have joint custody,
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107. so he'll be spending one semester
in Chicago and one semester here.
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108. I think it is a travesty
on the part of the legal profession.
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109. Thank you for that perspective, Cher.
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110. Now, could all conversations
please come to a halt?
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111. And could the suicide attempts
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112. please be postponed
till the next period?
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113. Suddenly, a dark cloud
settled over first period.
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114. I got a C in Debate?
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115. - De?
- What's up?
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116. - Did you get your report card?
- Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?
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117. I totally choked.
My father is gonna go ballistic on me.
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118. Mr. Hall was way harsh.
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119. He gave me a C-.
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120. He gave me a C,
which drags down my entire average.
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121. - Bye.
- I'll call you, okay?
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122. Yeah.
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123. Isn't my house classic?
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124. The columns date
all the way back to 1972.
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125. Wasn't my mom a Betty?
She died when I was just a baby,
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126. a fluke accident
during a routine liposuction.
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127. I don't remember her, but I like
to pretend she still watches over me.
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128. Ma, 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
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129. Yuck.
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130. The maudlin music
of the university station?
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131. What is it about college
and crybaby music?
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132. Who's watching the galleria?
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133. So, the flannel shirt deal,
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134. is that a nod
to the crispy Seattle weather
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135. or you trying to stay warm
in front of the refrigerator?
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136. Oh, my, you're filling out there.
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137. Wow. Your face is catching up
with your mouth.
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138. - I went by Dad's office.
- He is not your dad.
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139. Why don't you torture a new family?
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140. Just because my mother
married someone else
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141. doesn't mean he's my father.
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142. Actually, Kato,
that's exactly what it means.
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143. I hope you're not thinking
of staying here.
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144. - I sure want to.
- I'm sure you do.
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145. I got a place in Westwood near school.
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146. Shouldn't you go to school
on the East Coast?
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147. I hear girls at NYU
aren't at all particular.
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148. You're funny.
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149. What's your problem, Beavis?
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150. Infantry furiously trading
machine gun fire.
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151. You just got here and already
you're playing Couch Commando.
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152. In some parts of the universe,
maybe not in Contempo Casual
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153. but in some parts, it's considered cool
to know what's going on in the world.
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154. Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons
from you on how to be cool.
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155. Tell me that part about Kenny G again.
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156. Come on, you chuckleheads,
get in here.
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157. Josh, are you still growing?
You look taller than you did at Easter.
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158. I don't think so.
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159. - Doesn't he look bigger?
- His head does.
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160. Josh, have you given any thought
to our little discussion
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161. about corporate law?
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162. Yeah, but I think I'd really like to
check out environmental law.
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163. What for? You want to have
a miserable, frustrating life?
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164. Josh will have that
no matter what he does.
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165. At least he knows what he wants to do
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166. and he's in a good college. I'd like
to see you have a little bit of direction.
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167. - I have direction.
- Yeah. Towards the mall.
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168. Which reminds me,
where's your report card?
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169. - It's not ready yet.
- What do you mean, it's not ready yet?
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170. Well, some teachers
were trying to lowball me, Daddy.
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171. And I know how you say
never accept a first offer,
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172. so I figure these grades are just
a jumping off point to start negotiations.
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173. Very good.
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174. Whose is that?
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175. De?
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176. Hello? Yeah, Jake, what?
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177. No, not the afternoon!
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178. You are such a brownnoser.
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179. And you are
such a superficial space cadet.
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180. What makes you think you'll get
teachers to change your grades?
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181. Only the fact that I've done it
every other semester.
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182. I told my P.E. teacher
an evil male had broken my heart,
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183. so she raised my C to a B.
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184. - Miserable.
- They're horrible.
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185. - I can't eat, I can't sleep.
- Don't feel bad. I know.
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186. And you see, they're all like that.
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187. Then I promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing campaign
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188. to my congressman
about violations of the Clean Air Act.
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189. But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.
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190. He said my debates
were unresearched
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191. unstructured, and unconvincing.
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192. AS if!
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193. I felt impotent and out of control,
which I really hate.
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194. I needed to find sanctuary in a place
where I could gather my thoughts
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195. and regain my strength.
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196. Dude, what's wrong?
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197. Are you suffering
from buyer's remorse or something?
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198. God, no, nothing like that. It's just that
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199. we've been shopping all day and I still
don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.
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200. I tried everything to convince him
of my scholastic aptitude
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201. but I was brutally rebuffed.
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202. Get over it. He's a miserable little man
who wants to make
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203. everyone else miserable, too.
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204. De, that's it.
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205. We've got to figure out a way
to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
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206. Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall.
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207. He's single, he's 47, and he earns
minor ducats at a thankless job.
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208. What that man needs
is a good, healthy boink fest.
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209. Unfortunately, there was
a major babe drought in my school.
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210. The evil trolls from the
Math Department were actually married.
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211. Snickers.
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212. And in the grand tradition
of P.E. teachers
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213. Miss Stoeger seemed to
be same-sex oriented.
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214. Of course,
there was always Miss Geist.
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215. Something told me not to discount
Miss Geist.
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216. Sure, she has runs in her stockings
and her slip is always showing
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217. and she has more lipstick on her teeth
than on her mouth.
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218. Popular uprisings from Estates
to the general assembly.
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219. God, this woman is screaming
for a makeover.
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220. I'm her only hope.
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221. "Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May
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222. "But thy eternal summer shall not fade"
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223. Phat! Did you write that?
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224. - Duh! It's like a famous quote.
- From where?
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225. Cliffs Notes.
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226. I know you're going to be
doing better, Travis.
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227. No, if you run along,
I'll see you third period.
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228. And we'll try to remember to bring
our textbooks.
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229. Okay.
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230. My God, she actually looked happy!
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231. Classic.
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232. - Paroudasm Banafshein.
- Here.
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233. Sixteen tardies to work off.
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234. Janet Hong, no tardies.
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235. Travis Birkenstock, 38 tardies.
By far the most tardies in the class.
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236. Congratulations.
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237. This is so unexpected,
I didn't even have a speech prepared.
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238. But I would like to say this:
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239. Tardiness is not something you can do
all on your own.
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240. Many people
contributed to my tardiness.
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241. I'd like to thank my parents
for never giving me a ride to school.
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242. The LA City bus drivers for taking
a chance on an unknown kid.
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243. And last, but not least,
the wonderful crew at McDonald's
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244. for spending hours
making those Egg McMuffins
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245. without which I might never be tardy.
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246. If Mr. Birkenstock
has no political messages
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247. to include in his speech, I'll go on.
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248. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
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249. I object.
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250. Do you recall the dates
of these alleged tardies?
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251. One was last Monday.
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252. Mr. Hall,
I was surfing the crimson wave.
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253. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
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254. I assume you're referring to women's
troubles and so I'll let that one slide.
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255. Thank you, Mr. Hall.
Miss Geist was right about you.
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256. What do you mean?
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257. She said that you were the only one
in the school with any intelligence.
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258. Cher, get in here.
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259. Yes, Daddy?
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260. Would you tell me what the hell this is?
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261. A second notice
for three outstanding tickets.
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262. I don't remember getting a first notice.
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263. The ticket is the first notice.
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264. I didn't even know you can get tickets
without a license.
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265. Sure you can.
You can get tickets anytime.
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266. Is that so? Not around here, you can't.
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267. From this moment on,
you will not drive, sit,
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268. do anything in that jeep
without a supervised driver present.
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269. No cruising around with Dionne,
all right?
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270. Two permits do not equal a license.
Do I make myself clear?
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271. Yes, Daddy.
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272. I expect you to become a good driver.
I wanna see you apply yourself.
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273. - I will. I'm gonna practice real hard.
- Okay.
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274. A licensed driver with nothing to do?
Where would I find such a loser?
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275. Granola breath,
you got something on your chin.
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276. - I'm growing a goatee.
- That's good.
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277. You don't wanna be the last one
at the coffee house without chin pubes.
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278. I can't tell you how much I enjoy
these little chats of ours
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279. but in the interest of saving time,
why don't you tell me what you want?
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280. Okay.
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281. So, actually
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282. I have a permit and I can drive and all
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283. but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out
without a licensed driver.
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284. And since you're not doing
anything and all...
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285. What are the chances of you
shutting up till you get your way?
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286. Slim to none. Come on!
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287. James Bond, in America we drive
on the right side of the road.
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288. I am. You try driving in platforms.
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289. I got to get back to school.
Wanna practice parking?
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290. What's the point?
Everywhere you go has valet.
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291. What class are you going to?
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292. Actually, I'm going
to a tree people meeting.
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293. We might get Marky Mark to plant
a celebrity tree.
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294. How fabulous.
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295. Getting Marky Mark to take time from
his busy pants-dropping schedule
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296. to plant trees?
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297. Josh, why don't you
just hire a gardener?
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298. Well, maybe Marky Mark wants to use
his popularity for a good cause.
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299. Make a contribution.
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300. In case you've never heard of that,
a contribution is the giving of...
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301. Excuse me, but I have donated
many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy.
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302. time and funds.
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303. And, as soon as I get my license,
I fully intend to brake for animals.
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304. And I've contributed many hours helping
two lonely teachers find romance.
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305. Which, I'll bet, serves your interests
more than theirs.
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306. If I ever saw you do anything
that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.
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307. That'd be reason enough for me.
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308. - Would you call me selfish?
- No, not to your face.
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309. Really?
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310. Is Josh giving you shit
'cause he's going through
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311. his post-adolescent idealistic phase?
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312. Look, there's Mr. Hall.
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313. Mr. Hall.
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314. Do you drink coffee?
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315. Not from this cafeteria.
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316. But, yes, under normal circumstances.
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317. I am such a retard. When I was packing
Daddy's lunch this morning
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318. I gave him my lemon Snapple
and I took his sucky Italian roast.
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319. Do you want it?
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320. - Are you sure you don't want it?
- It might stunt my growth.
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321. And I wanna be 5'10"
like Cindy Crawford.
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322. I thought maybe you
or Miss Geist might like it.
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323. Maybe you could share it.
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324. - Thanks.
- Sure.
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325. - Miss Geist.
- Hi, girls.
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326. Did you sign up
for the environmental fair?
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327. Yeah, we will.
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328. You have such pretty eyes.
Don't hide them.
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329. - These clips are so cute.
- This top is so '80s.
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330. And this tiny little waist.
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331. You girls are sweet.
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332. Don't forget to sign up
for the environmental fair.
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333. Not a total Betty,
but a vast improvement.
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334. We did our best.
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335. We gotta book
if we're gonna make it to P.E.
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336. Come on, De.
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337. I feel like bailing, dude. Come on.
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338. I know what you mean, but at least
it's exercise. I feel like such a heifer.
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339. I had two bowls of Special K,
three pieces of turkey bacon,
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340. a handful of popcorn,
five peanut butter M&M's
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341. - and like three pieces of licorice.
- My God. Look.
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342. Is that a photo op or what?
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343. Would you look at that body language?
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344. Legs crossed toward each other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.
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345. - Cher, he's getting her digits.
- Look at Geist. She's so cute.
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346. Old people can be so sweet.
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347. The entire student body was
utterly grateful for the improvement
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348. in their grades.
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349. - Cher, what's this all about?
- My report card.
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350. The same semester?
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351. What'd you do,
turn in some extra-credit reports?
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352. No.
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353. Did you take the midterms over?
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354. You mean to tell me
that you argued your way
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355. from a C+ to an A-?
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356. Totally based on my
powers of persuasion. Are you proud?
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357. Honey, I couldn't be happier
than if they were based on real grades.
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358. - Fabulous.
- Thank you.
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359. I felt so satisfied,
I wanted to do more good deeds.
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360. De, when your allergies act up,
take out your nose ring.
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361. Follow through. There you go.
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362. All right, Cher.
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363. Earth to Cher! Come in, Cher!
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364. Miss Stoeger.
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365. I would just like to say that physical
education in this school is a disgrace.
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366. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes
is hardly aerobically effective.
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367. I doubt I worked off the calories
in a stick of Carefree gum.
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368. Well, you certainly exercised
your mouth, Cher. Now hit the ball.
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369. Miss Stoeger, that machine is just
a lawsuit waiting to happen!
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370. Thanks for the legal advice.
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371. Dionne, you're up.
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372. Miss Stoeger, I have a note
from my tennis instructor
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373. and he would prefer it
if I didn't expose myself to any training
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374. that might derail his teachings.
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375. Fine. Amber?
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376. Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon
doesn't want me doing
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377. any activity where balls fly at my nose.
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378. Well, there goes your social life.
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379. Miss Stoeger.
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380. Got another one.
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381. Ladies, we have a new student with us.
This is Tai Fraiser.
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382. Tai, you don't have time to change, but
you can hit a few balls in those clothes.
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383. She could be a farmer in those clothes.
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384. - All right, Amber, that's enough.
- De, my mission is clear.
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385. Would you look at that girl?
She is so adorably clueless.
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386. - We've got to adopt her.
- Cher, she is tore up.
Copy !req
387. Our stock would plummet.
Copy !req
388. De, don't you want to use
your popularity for a good cause?
Copy !req
389. - No.
- Come here.
Copy !req
390. Yeah, come here.
Copy !req
391. - Hang with us.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
392. - How do you like California?
- Man, I'm freaking.
Copy !req
393. I could really use some sort of
an herbal refreshment.
Copy !req
394. We do lunch in 10 minutes.
We don't have any tea
Copy !req
395. - but we have Coke and stuff.
- No shit! You guys got coke here?
Copy !req
396. - Yeah.
- Yeah, this is America.
Copy !req
397. So we decided to show Tai the ropes
at Bronson Alcott High School.
Copy !req
398. That is Alana's group over there.
They do the TV station.
Copy !req
399. They think
that's the most important thing on earth.
Copy !req
400. And that's the Persian Mafia.
Copy !req
401. You can't hang with them
unless you own a BMW.
Copy !req
402. And there's Elton in the white vest.
Copy !req
403. And all the most popular boys
in the school.
Copy !req
404. - Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
405. If you make the decision
to date a high-school boy
Copy !req
406. they're the only acceptable ones.
Copy !req
407. Cher, which one of them's
your boyfriend?
Copy !req
408. As if!
Copy !req
409. Cher's got attitude
about high-school boys.
Copy !req
410. It's a personal choice every woman
has got to make for herself.
Copy !req
411. Woman, lend me $5.
Copy !req
412. Murray, I've asked you repeatedly
not to call me "woman."
Copy !req
413. - Excuse me, Miss Dionne.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
414. Street slang is an increasingly
valid form of expression.
Copy !req
415. Most of the feminine pronouns
do have mocking
Copy !req
416. but not necessarily
misogynistic undertones.
Copy !req
417. You guys talk like grownups.
Copy !req
418. Well, this is a really good school.
Copy !req
419. I'm gonna go get a soda.
You guys want?
Copy !req
420. - Yeah, sure.
- All right.
Copy !req
421. She's nice.
Copy !req
422. Project.
Copy !req
423. That's disgusting.
Copy !req
424. That's nice representation there.
Copy !req
425. Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.
Copy !req
426. You like them?
I was thinking it was too cluttered.
Copy !req
427. I wanna wipe all this out
and concentrate
Copy !req
428. on one main decorative statement,
like Marvin the Martian right there.
Copy !req
429. Get out of town!
I can do Marvin the Martian.
Copy !req
430. Really?
Copy !req
431. I mean,
there's not really a lot to him, but
Copy !req
432. - you wanna see?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
433. Here.
Copy !req
434. - Wow. That's really cool.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
435. - You drew that?
- Yeah. And wait, I got
Copy !req
436. - one here.
- You didn't trace this?
Copy !req
437. No. Here's another one over here.
Copy !req
438. And lots of little guys.
Copy !req
439. - That is so cute.
- I love to draw.
Copy !req
440. You're really good at it.
Copy !req
441. - No.
- No, really, you are.
Copy !req
442. - No.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
443. - Are you sure that's fat-free?
- Yes.
Copy !req
444. And you lose weight by doing it like this,
cutting it really small.
Copy !req
445. - I met a really cool guy.
- Describe.
Copy !req
446. All right, he's got long hair,
he's really funny.
Copy !req
447. Straight off, right, he offers me
some smoke.
Copy !req
448. There he is.
Copy !req
449. - Are you talking about drugs?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
450. - Tai, how old are you?
- I'll be 16 in May.
Copy !req
451. My birthday's in April,
and as someone older
Copy !req
452. can I please give you some advice?
Copy !req
453. It is one thing to spark up a doobie
and get laced at parties
Copy !req
454. but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Copy !req
455. Do you see the distinction?
Copy !req
456. - Yeah.
- Loadies generally hang
Copy !req
457. on the grassy knoll over there.
Copy !req
458. Sometimes they come to class
and say bonehead things
Copy !req
459. and we all laugh, of course
Copy !req
460. but no respectable girl
actually dates them.
Copy !req
461. You don't wanna start off
on the wrong foot now, do you?
Copy !req
462. I've got an idea.
Copy !req
463. Let's do a makeover.
Copy !req
464. No.
Copy !req
465. Come on, let us. Cher's main thrill
in life is a makeover, okay?
Copy !req
466. It gives her a sense of control
in a world full of chaos.
Copy !req
467. Please?
Copy !req
468. Sure. Why not?
Copy !req
469. Shit, you guys.
I've never had straight friends before.
Copy !req
470. Now squeeze your buttocks
when you come up.
Copy !req
471. - Squeeze here.
- Cher.
Copy !req
472. I don't wanna do this anymore.
Copy !req
473. And my buns,
they don't feel nothing like steel.
Copy !req
474. Okay, it will get easier, I promise.
Copy !req
475. Just as long as we do it every day,
not just sporadically.
Copy !req
476. How do you know
if you're doing it sporadically?
Copy !req
477. That's another thing, Tai. We've got to
work on your accent and vocabulary.
Copy !req
478. See, "sporadic" means once in a while.
Try and use it in a sentence today.
Copy !req
479. - All right.
- Okay, from now on
Copy !req
480. we're alternating Cindy Crawford's
Aerobicize and Buns of Steel
Copy !req
481. and reading
one non-school book a week.
Copy !req
482. My first book is Fit or Fat.
Copy !req
483. Mine is, Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus.
Copy !req
484. Good. That takes care of our minds
and bodies.
Copy !req
485. But we should do something good
for mankind or the planet
Copy !req
486. for a couple of hours.
Copy !req
487. Hey, brainiac.
Copy !req
488. The dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.
Copy !req
489. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
490. You know about this stuff.
Copy !req
491. I wanna do something good
for humanity.
Copy !req
492. How about sterilization?
Copy !req
493. - What do you think?
- I'm amazed.
Copy !req
494. That I am devoting myself so generously
to someone else?
Copy !req
495. No.
Copy !req
496. That you found someone even more
clueless than you are to worship you.
Copy !req
497. I am rescuing her from teenage hell.
Do you know the wounds
Copy !req
498. of adolescence
could take years to heal?
Copy !req
499. And you've never had a mother,
so you're acting out on that poor girl
Copy !req
500. like she was your Barbie doll.
Copy !req
501. Freshman psych rears its ugly head.
Copy !req
502. - I am not taking psych.
- Whatever.
Copy !req
503. I'm going to take that lost soul in there
and make her well-dressed and popular.
Copy !req
504. Her life will be better because of me.
How many girls can say that about you?
Copy !req
505. Mentos better, Mentos fresher
Copy !req
506. Fresh goes better with Mentos
fresh and full of life
Copy !req
507. Mentos.
Copy !req
508. The freshmaker.
Copy !req
509. - Be seeing you.
- Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
Copy !req
510. My God, do you see how boys
are responding?
Copy !req
511. - My heart is totally bursting.
- I know. I'm kvelling.
Copy !req
512. - Cher, you have Diemer, right?
- Geist.
Copy !req
513. Tai, did you get a flyer?
Copy !req
514. Thanks.
Copy !req
515. A party.
Copy !req
516. It's in the Valley. The cops usually
break them up in less than an hour.
Copy !req
517. - It takes that long to get there.
- Besides, it's just local loadies.
Copy !req
518. Do you guys think
that Travis is gonna be there?
Copy !req
519. - Tai, I thought we moved on from there.
- Don't sell yourself short now.
Copy !req
520. You've got something going
that no one in this school has.
Copy !req
521. I'm not a virgin.
Copy !req
522. I mean mystery.
As far as everyone's concerned
Copy !req
523. you were the most popular girl
in your school.
Copy !req
524. And the fact
that you hang with De and I, well...
Copy !req
525. Speaks very highly of you.
Copy !req
526. If you strike while the iron is hot,
you can have any guy that you want.
Copy !req
527. - Yeah.
- Like who?
Copy !req
528. Let's see, who's available?
There's Bronson, Brandon. I got it!
Copy !req
529. - Elton. He just broke up with Valette.
- Yes!
Copy !req
530. Who's Elton?
Copy !req
531. My God, he's way popular.
He's like the social director of the crew.
Copy !req
532. And his dad
can get you into any concert.
Copy !req
533. And I noticed him scoping you out.
Copy !req
534. - He was looking at me?
- Says you gave him a toothache.
Copy !req
535. How'd I do that?
Copy !req
536. It's an expression.
It means he thought you were sweet.
Copy !req
537. Yeah?
Copy !req
538. - Is that true?
- No.
Copy !req
539. You are so bad.
Copy !req
540. Okay, you guys, let's all get together.
That is great.
Copy !req
541. Smile.
Copy !req
542. Tai, get a little closer.
Copy !req
543. Closer, Tai.
Copy !req
544. Elton, why don't you put your arm
around Tai?
Copy !req
545. All right.
Copy !req
546. Yeah, that's good.
Copy !req
547. Okay.
Copy !req
548. Okay. Tai, come here.
Copy !req
549. - Hold that.
- Okay.
Copy !req
550. Cool picture.
Copy !req
551. - Doesn't she look classic?
- Yeah, she's beautiful.
Copy !req
552. She looks
like one of those Botticelli chicks.
Copy !req
553. Why don't you make me
a copy of this, okay?
Copy !req
554. Sure.
Copy !req
555. - Hi, Daddy, this is my friend Tai.
- Get out of my chair.
Copy !req
556. Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
Copy !req
557. What is this crap?
Copy !req
558. Daddy, it's from
the Cut Your Cholesterol cookbook.
Copy !req
559. Dr. Lovett says you've got to get down
to 200.
Copy !req
560. - No calls tonight.
- But it's Dionne.
Copy !req
561. - I'm sorry.
- It might be important.
Copy !req
562. We're gonna have a nice family dinner.
Copy !req
563. So, what did you do in school today?
Copy !req
564. Well, I broke in my purple clogs.
Copy !req
565. Yeah, hello?
Copy !req
566. Jake. Yeah. No.
Copy !req
567. De, what up?
Copy !req
568. So check it. Murray's Geometry class
is right by Elton's locker
Copy !req
569. and taped up inside was
the picture you took of Tai.
Copy !req
570. - My God!
- What?
Copy !req
571. Elton's got a picture of you
hanging up in his locker.
Copy !req
572. Oh, no shit!
Copy !req
573. Hello!
Copy !req
574. So anyway, the whole crew is going
to this party in the Valley.
Copy !req
575. Bye.
Copy !req
576. Looks like we're gonna have to make
a cameo at the Val party.
Copy !req
577. I told you I wanted it in the morning! No!
Copy !req
578. Just look at the top of the map.
Sun Valley is north.
Copy !req
579. No. All I see is Bel Air, okay? That's it.
Copy !req
580. - Then you're on the wrong map.
- I'm not on the wrong map.
Copy !req
581. Look at the number on the top.
Copy !req
582. There are no numbers on the top.
There's letters.
Copy !req
583. - Murray, shut up.
- Do you think it's gonna frizz out?
Copy !req
584. Listen, Tai, when we get there,
make sure Elton sees you
Copy !req
585. but don't say hi first.
Copy !req
586. Look like you're having fun
and you're really popular.
Copy !req
587. Talk to someone in his eye line,
preferably a guy.
Copy !req
588. Make him come to you.
Copy !req
589. And find an excuse to leave
while he's still into the conversation.
Copy !req
590. The key is always have him
wanting more. You got it?
Copy !req
591. - I got it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
592. Heads up!
Copy !req
593. Did you just see that?
Copy !req
594. God, skateboards.
That is like so five years ago.
Copy !req
595. You guys came. That's great.
You want a beer? I'll get you one.
Copy !req
596. All right.
Copy !req
597. Yeah. This shit is whack.
Copy !req
598. This is raging.
Copy !req
599. Let's do a lap before we commit
to a location.
Copy !req
600. Who was that?
Copy !req
601. Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you were wearing yesterday?
Copy !req
602. Say, Ambular.
Copy !req
603. Hi!
Copy !req
604. Was that you going through my laundry?
Copy !req
605. As if.
Copy !req
606. Like I would really wear something
from Judy's.
Copy !req
607. Do you prefer "fashion victim"
or "ensemble-y challenged?"
Copy !req
608. A clone.
Copy !req
609. Cher, you look much better in that dress
than she did.
Copy !req
610. Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?
Copy !req
611. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
612. Excuse me, my shoe.
Copy !req
613. This is so not fixable.
Copy !req
614. It's a small price to pay to
the party gods. Look, I'll make amends.
Copy !req
615. How about some chronic shit?
Copy !req
616. - It's the least you can do.
- Okay.
Copy !req
617. Spark it.
Copy !req
618. Elton is over there.
Copy !req
619. Act like Travis is saying
something funny.
Copy !req
620. Sorry.
Copy !req
621. - What's so funny?
- Nothing.
Copy !req
622. - Here.
- Hey, everyone.
Copy !req
623. Let's play Suck and Blow.
Copy !req
624. God, Elton, can't you suck?
Copy !req
625. It's De. Come on.
Copy !req
626. What have you done?
Copy !req
627. My God.
Copy !req
628. - Why did you do this to your head?
- 'Cause I'm keeping it real.
Copy !req
629. What? Look what he's done to his head.
Copy !req
630. - Can you believe this?
- Look at Lawrence's head.
Copy !req
631. - It's the bomb.
- Know what I'm saying? You look good!
Copy !req
632. As will you.
Copy !req
633. What do you care what he thinks?
I'm the one that has to look at you!
Copy !req
634. That was a big mistake!
What am I gonna do with you now?
Copy !req
635. And right before the yearbook pictures.
What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?
Copy !req
636. You know what? Okay. That's it.
You wanna play games?
Copy !req
637. - I'm calling your mother.
- No, wait, hold on. No.
Copy !req
638. - Wait, don't call my mom.
- Come on. Chill, man. Chill!
Copy !req
639. Don't call my mom!
Copy !req
640. The same thing happened
at the spring dance.
Copy !req
641. She spent the entire after-party
in the bathroom.
Copy !req
642. That almost destroyed my buzz.
Copy !req
643. I'm still baked.
Copy !req
644. What do you say
we go bump into people?
Copy !req
645. Yeah, I'm cool with that.
Copy !req
646. Tai, wait up.
Copy !req
647. - Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
648. Where's your sense of pit hospitality?
Copy !req
649. That was so cool the way you did that.
I wish I could do it.
Copy !req
650. - No, don't
- Why not?
Copy !req
651. 'Cause if girls did it, what would guys do
to impress them?
Copy !req
652. I don't know, like, stuff.
Copy !req
653. - You know?
- What kind of stuff?
Copy !req
654. - Tai, I need you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
655. Elton's over there.
Copy !req
656. Tai. Elton, help me!
Copy !req
657. - You guys should use ice.
- No, Travis, we've got it under control.
Copy !req
658. Tai, are you okay?
Copy !req
659. Travis, Tai would have wanted you
to enjoy the party.
Copy !req
660. If it's a concussion, you have to keep
her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
Copy !req
661. - What's seven times seven?
- Stuff she knows.
Copy !req
662. - That's some bump you've got there.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
663. - You ready to go back out there?
- Yeah, I am.
Copy !req
664. All right. You sure? Can you do this?
Copy !req
665. Rolling with the homies
Copy !req
666. Rolling with the homies
Copy !req
667. Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.
Copy !req
668. I had to give myself snaps
for all the good deeds I was doing.
Copy !req
669. It was so great. Love was everywhere.
Copy !req
670. Even though I was alone,
I was really happy for Tai.
Copy !req
671. It's like that book I read in ninth grade
that said,
Copy !req
672. "'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff
for other people."
Copy !req
673. - Hello?
- Do you know what time it is?
Copy !req
674. A watch doesn't really
go with this outfit, Daddy.
Copy !req
675. Where are you?
Copy !req
676. I'm just having a snack
with my girlfriends.
Copy !req
677. - Where, in Kuwait?
- Is that in the Valley?
Copy !req
678. Cher, I expect you to walk in this door
in 20 minutes.
Copy !req
679. Well, it might take
longer than that, Dad.
Copy !req
680. Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes.
Copy !req
681. Sorry to make you leave.
Copy !req
682. Dionne's bucking for
Best Dramatic Actress at a Val Party.
Copy !req
683. Hey, Summer.
Copy !req
684. Hi. Pretty random fiesta.
Do you need a ride home?
Copy !req
685. - That'd be great. Thanks.
- No, I got her.
Copy !req
686. I'm right below
Wilshire and Linden, so...
Copy !req
687. That's right near me.
I'm above Olympic.
Copy !req
688. Great. Then, Tai, you'll go with Summer
and, Cher, you'll come with me.
Copy !req
689. Actually, you could take Wilshire
to Canon and that turns into Benedict.
Copy !req
690. Well, then she'd have to go back south
and I'm already going north.
Copy !req
691. But you could take Tai on your way
up to Sunset.
Copy !req
692. - Yeah.
- That doesn't make any sense.
Copy !req
693. I'd have to get off the freeway.
I hate that. Tai, go with Summer.
Copy !req
694. Cher, you'll come with me.
Watch your feet.
Copy !req
695. Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
Copy !req
696. Turn away
Copy !req
697. Turn away
Copy !req
698. Turn away
Copy !req
699. I really love her hair
when it's all wild, you know.
Copy !req
700. It's also very pretty when it's all up
with that curly tendrils
Copy !req
701. like in that picture I took.
Copy !req
702. You know,
you're one of my best friends.
Copy !req
703. And I do not have friends that are girls.
Copy !req
704. Well, I'm glad because your happiness
means a lot to me.
Copy !req
705. It does?
Copy !req
706. Sure. I saw how hard your breakup
with Valette was.
Copy !req
707. Yeah. I think we both know
what it feels like to be lonely.
Copy !req
708. Whatever. The thing is
I'd really like to see you settled already.
Copy !req
709. Where are we going?
Copy !req
710. I knew it.
Copy !req
711. You knew what?
Copy !req
712. - That you were totally sprung on me.
- Hello! Don't you mean Tai?
Copy !req
713. - Tai?
- You have her picture in your locker.
Copy !req
714. I have the picture you took in my locker.
Copy !req
715. I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.
Copy !req
716. - I knew it. I knew when you kissed me.
- Suck and Blow is a game, Elton.
Copy !req
717. No, it's not.
Copy !req
718. Stop it.
Copy !req
719. Fine. You know, I don't get you, Cher.
I mean, you flirt with me all year.
Copy !req
720. As if.
Copy !req
721. I have been trying to get you together
with Tai.
Copy !req
722. Tai? Why would I go With Tai?
Copy !req
723. - Why not?
- Why not? Why not?
Copy !req
724. Don't you even know who my father is?
Copy !req
725. You are a snob and a half.
Copy !req
726. Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai.
Copy !req
727. We don't make any sense. Right?
Copy !req
728. Me and you.
Copy !req
729. Well, I mean, that makes sense.
Copy !req
730. - Cut it out!
- Come on, Cher.
Copy !req
731. Stop it!
Copy !req
732. Cher. Where you going?
Copy !req
733. You're only hurting yourself here, baby.
Come on.
Copy !req
734. You gonna walk home?
Get back in the car, please.
Copy !req
735. Get back in the car.
Copy !req
736. Leave me alone.
Copy !req
737. Fine.
Copy !req
738. Where are you going?
Copy !req
739. Shit.
Copy !req
740. Valley Information.
Copy !req
741. Do you have the number
of a cab company?
Copy !req
742. Which one?
Copy !req
743. I don't know which one.
What do you have out here?
Copy !req
744. - We have Valley Cab.
- Hand it over.
Copy !req
745. Give me the phone. Okay.
Copy !req
746. Your bag, too. Come on!
Copy !req
747. All right. Now, get down on the ground.
Face down.
Copy !req
748. - Come on!
- Oh, no. You don't understand.
Copy !req
749. This is an Alaia.
Copy !req
750. An A-what?
Copy !req
751. It's like a totally important designer.
Copy !req
752. And I will totally shoot you in the head.
Copy !req
753. Get down.
Copy !req
754. That's good. That's good right there.
All right.
Copy !req
755. Count to 100. Thank you.
Copy !req
756. One, two...
Copy !req
757. The evening had turned into
a royal mess.
Copy !req
758. Sexually harassed. Robbed.
Copy !req
759. I didn't know the number of the party,
so I couldn't call Dionne.
Copy !req
760. And Daddy would kill me
if he knew where I was.
Copy !req
761. There was just one person left to call
Copy !req
762. and I really, really didn't want
to call him.
Copy !req
763. Come on.
Copy !req
764. - Hello?
- Josh, you busy?
Copy !req
765. - Who is it?
- It's Mel's daughter.
Copy !req
766. So, okay, I was at this party
and my designated driver
Copy !req
767. tried to attack me,
so I got out so he'd stop.
Copy !req
768. But then he drove off and deserted me.
Copy !req
769. And then this guy with a gun
held me up, took my money
Copy !req
770. and my phone and he yelled at me
and he forced me to ruin my dress.
Copy !req
771. Okay. Look, where are you?
Copy !req
772. Sun Valley.
Copy !req
773. Man, you owe me.
Copy !req
774. Look, the man is ridiculous.
He doesn't have one unique thought
Copy !req
775. in his little, puny brain.
Copy !req
776. I think that there's some merit
in learning forms straight off.
Copy !req
777. Josh, please. He's taken our minds
at their most fecund point.
Copy !req
778. - What?
- And restrained them before they've
Copy !req
779. wandered through the garden of ideas.
Copy !req
780. It's just like Hamlet said,
"To thine own self be true."
Copy !req
781. No, Hamlet didn't say that.
Copy !req
782. I think
that I remember Hamlet accurately.
Copy !req
783. I remember Mel Gibson accurately
and he didn't say that.
Copy !req
784. That Polonius guy did.
Copy !req
785. I'm gonna walk Heather to her door.
Try and stay out of trouble.
Copy !req
786. My life is turning into a bigger disaster
than Malibu.
Copy !req
787. I didn't know
what I was going to say to Tai.
Copy !req
788. I felt really nervous.
Copy !req
789. And even Fabianne, my masseuse,
said I had a lot of tension in my back.
Copy !req
790. It's my hips, isn't it?
Copy !req
791. - No, of course not.
- Yes.
Copy !req
792. Don't be stupid.
You could do so much better.
Copy !req
793. - He thinks he's all that, Tai.
- Yeah, God's gift.
Copy !req
794. You're too good for him.
Copy !req
795. If I'm too good for him,
then how come I'm not with him?
Copy !req
796. I have got an idea.
Let's blow off seventh and eighth
Copy !req
797. go to the mall, have a calorie fest,
and see the new Christian Slater.
Copy !req
798. Yes!
Copy !req
799. You guys.
Copy !req
800. Look at him.
Copy !req
801. Baby!
Copy !req
802. Break me off a piece of that.
Copy !req
803. - Survey says?
- Doable.
Copy !req
804. Puny. I like them big.
Copy !req
805. I hate muscles.
Copy !req
806. You know what,
I don't really care either way.
Copy !req
807. Just as long as his you-know-what
isn't crooked. I really hate that.
Copy !req
808. What?
Copy !req
809. - Don't scare her.
- Why, what's wrong?
Copy !req
810. Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.
Copy !req
811. Cher, you're a virgin?
Copy !req
812. God, you say that like it's a bad thing.
Copy !req
813. Besides, the P.C. term
is "hymenally challenged."
Copy !req
814. I am just not interested in doing it
until I find the right person.
Copy !req
815. You see how picky I am about
my shoes, and they only go on my feet.
Copy !req
816. Yeah.
Copy !req
817. - God, you're one to talk, De.
- Wait a minute here. Wait.
Copy !req
818. I thought that, like,
you and Murray were...
Copy !req
819. My man is satisfied.
He's got no cause for complaints.
Copy !req
820. But technically, lam a virgin.
You know what I mean.
Copy !req
821. Oh, God.
Copy !req
822. - What's wrong, Tai?
- They're playing our song.
Copy !req
823. You know, the one that Elton and I
danced to.
Copy !req
824. Rolling with the homies
Copy !req
825. - Tai. Don't cry.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
826. Oh, God.
Copy !req
827. Stop!
Copy !req
828. I could tell Tai's grieving period
would be considerable
Copy !req
829. unless I found someone
to take Elton's place right away.
Copy !req
830. So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor
to my generation and all
Copy !req
831. but I don't get how guys dress today.
Copy !req
832. I mean, come on,
it looks like they just fell out of bed
Copy !req
833. and put on some baggy pants
and take their greasy hair
Copy !req
834. and cover it up with a backwards cap
and, like, we're expected to swoon?
Copy !req
835. I don't think so.
Copy !req
836. Searching for a boy in high school is
as useless as searching for meaning
Copy !req
837. in a Pauly Shore movie.
Copy !req
838. So this must be the elusive Christian.
Copy !req
839. - Where should I park?
- There's one, third back.
Copy !req
840. Okay. Now I know I said I'd find
a guy for Tai
Copy !req
841. but I suppose there's no harm
in finding one for myself also.
Copy !req
842. Nice stems.
Copy !req
843. Thanks.
Copy !req
844. - Cher?
- Present.
Copy !req
845. I guess we established that
during attendance.
Copy !req
846. - It's time for your oral.
- Excuse me?
Copy !req
847. Your original oral.
The topic is violence in the media.
Copy !req
848. So, okay.
Copy !req
849. The Attorney General says
Copy !req
850. there's too much violence on TV
and that should stop.
Copy !req
851. But even if you took out all the violent
shows, you could still see the news.
Copy !req
852. Until mankind is peaceful enough
not to have violence on the news
Copy !req
853. there's no point in taking it out of shows
that need it for entertainment value.
Copy !req
854. Thank you.
Copy !req
855. Any comments? Elton?
Copy !req
856. My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
Copy !req
857. Travis?
Copy !req
858. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Fine holiday fun.
Copy !req
859. Hello! Was I the only one listening?
Copy !req
860. I mean, I thought it reeked.
Copy !req
861. I believe that was your
designer imposter perfume.
Copy !req
862. I dug it.
Copy !req
863. During the next few days,
I did what any normal girl would do...
Copy !req
864. I sent myself love letters
Copy !req
865. and flowers and candy...
Copy !req
866. just so he'd see how desired I was,
in case he didn't already know.
Copy !req
867. Christian.
Copy !req
868. And anything you can do
to draw attention to your mouth is good.
Copy !req
869. Also, sometimes
you have to show a little skin.
Copy !req
870. This reminds guys of being naked,
and then they think of sex.
Copy !req
871. - Hey, duchess?
- Yes?
Copy !req
872. You rationed this weekend?
Copy !req
873. Like Saturday.
Copy !req
874. I'm new, but I thought maybe
you had an in on the heavy clambakes.
Copy !req
875. My ex-stepbrother's friends
are having a party.
Copy !req
876. Solid.
Copy !req
877. Suddenly Daddy had a case
that had to be solved right away
Copy !req
878. so some clerks and Josh came to help
him go through a gazillion depositions.
Copy !req
879. - Daddy!
- What?
Copy !req
880. I can't just open it,
I have to make him wait a while!
Copy !req
881. Then he can wait outside.
Copy !req
882. Josh, please?
Copy !req
883. Come on, Josh!
Copy !req
884. Come on!
Copy !req
885. What do you hear?
Copy !req
886. She's not ready.
Copy !req
887. Hey, man.
Copy !req
888. Nice pile of bricks you got here.
Copy !req
889. - You drink?
- No, thanks. I'm cool.
Copy !req
890. I'm not offering.
I'm asking you if you drink.
Copy !req
891. You think I'd give alcohol to
teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
Copy !req
892. Hey, man, the protective vibe, I dig.
Copy !req
893. What's with you, kid?
Copy !req
894. You think the death of Sammy Davis
left an opening in the rat pack?
Copy !req
895. Christian.
Copy !req
896. Doll face.
Copy !req
897. Handsome.
Copy !req
898. Stunning.
Copy !req
899. You're not letting her go out like that,
are you?
Copy !req
900. - Cher, get in here.
- What's up, Daddy?
Copy !req
901. - What the hell is that?
- A dress.
Copy !req
902. - Says who?
- Calvin Klein.
Copy !req
903. It looks like underwear!
Go upstairs and put something over it!
Copy !req
904. I was just going to.
Copy !req
905. Hey, you!
Copy !req
906. Anything happens to my daughter,
I got a.45 and a shovel.
Copy !req
907. I doubt anybody would miss you.
Copy !req
908. Bye, Daddy.
Copy !req
909. Come on.
Copy !req
910. - It's so killer.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
911. - Your dad is pretty scary.
- Isn't he?
Copy !req
912. - You like Billie Holiday?
- I love him.
Copy !req
913. Right.
Copy !req
914. - I didn't like him.
- What's to like?
Copy !req
915. - Maybe I should go to the party.
- If you feel like you should go.
Copy !req
916. - You don't need me, do you?
- No.
Copy !req
917. - I mean, unless you want me to stay...
- Josh, go to the party. Go.
Copy !req
918. Okay.
Copy !req
919. - I'll watch her for you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
920. You do that.
Copy !req
921. Tai!
Copy !req
922. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
923. Tai, are you okay?
Copy !req
924. God, shit, that is so embarrassing.
Copy !req
925. No, no one saw.
Copy !req
926. Good. Now all night long I'll be known
as "that girl who fell on her butt."
Copy !req
927. Tai, no one noticed.
Copy !req
928. Wow, are you okay?
That looked really bad.
Copy !req
929. Yeah, thanks.
Copy !req
930. Oh, my God, Cher, look.
Copy !req
931. He's going with Amber?
Copy !req
932. No, he's probably just dancing with her.
Copy !req
933. - Do you think she's pretty?
- She's a full-on Monet.
Copy !req
934. - What's a Monet?
- It's like the paintings, see?
Copy !req
935. From far away it's okay,
but up close it's a big old mess.
Copy !req
936. Let's ask a guy.
Copy !req
937. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Copy !req
938. - Hagsvme.
- See?
Copy !req
939. Dig this, they're charging for brewskies.
Copy !req
940. - Pass me a fin, I'll pay you back?
- Sure.
Copy !req
941. Thanks.
Copy !req
942. Oh, he is so cute.
Copy !req
943. Oh, my God, do you see
how he's falling in love with me?
Copy !req
944. Excuse me.
Copy !req
945. I mean, look how he ignores
every other girl.
Copy !req
946. What's it all about?
What am I gonna do with that?
Copy !req
947. I wouldn't know.
Copy !req
948. Oh, God, look. There's Josh.
Copy !req
949. I didn't even see him come in. But it's
like he finds the only adult in here.
Copy !req
950. Like he's deliberately trying
to not have fun.
Copy !req
951. Cher, I have a question.
Copy !req
952. What should I do with this,
should I tie it around
Copy !req
953. - or put it over my shoulders?
- Tie it around your waist.
Copy !req
954. - Ready to slide?
- Thanks.
Copy !req
955. Let's go.
Copy !req
956. The band was kicking
and Christian was the hottest guy there.
Copy !req
957. But my enjoyment was put on pause
when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
Copy !req
958. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
959. When I see a beautiful girl,
I think we were born to move.
Copy !req
960. What?
Copy !req
961. Look! Josh is dancing with Tai!
He never dances.
Copy !req
962. I can see why.
Copy !req
963. No, he's doing her a prop
so she won't be left out.
Copy !req
964. Oh, I dig you.
Copy !req
965. - How are you guys holding up?
- I'm so ready to leave.
Copy !req
966. Tired.
Copy !req
967. Let's get Christian and go. Christian
Copy !req
968. - "YOU wanna go?
- Now?
Copy !req
969. These guys right here got the skinny
on the happening after-hours.
Copy !req
970. My trainer's coming really early
this morning.
Copy !req
971. - Look, I could take the girls home.
- No, that's all right.
Copy !req
972. - No, it's fine, stay.
- You sure?
Copy !req
973. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
974. Thanks, man. You got my marker.
Copy !req
975. You are a down girl.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Copy !req
976. It was really decent of you
to dance with Tai tonight.
Copy !req
977. My pleasure.
Copy !req
978. Did you notice
any positive changes in her?
Copy !req
979. Yeah.
Copy !req
980. Under your tutelage, she's exploring
the challenging world of bare midriffs.
Copy !req
981. So you didn't want to make a night of it
with the ring-a-ding kid?
Copy !req
982. Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic.
Copy !req
983. It's not like he's going to sleep.
Copy !req
984. No. Not if they're going
to finish those depos.
Copy !req
985. Hey, you know what would be so dope?
If we got some really delicious takeout.
Copy !req
986. I bet they haven't eaten all night.
Copy !req
987. Yeah, that would be pretty dope of us.
Copy !req
988. Let's do it.
Copy !req
989. The midnight snack totally revived the
lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.
Copy !req
990. Meat.
Copy !req
991. Eat oranges, you get a lot of vitamin C.
Daddy, no!
Copy !req
992. - You know you can't have that.
- Cher, come on!
Copy !req
993. Don't be silly.
Copy !req
994. I know it sounds mental
Copy !req
995. but sometimes I have more fun
vegging out than when I go partying.
Copy !req
996. Maybe because my party clothes
are so binding.
Copy !req
997. Look, I'm just curious.
Copy !req
998. How many hours a day do you spend
grooming yourself?
Copy !req
999. Some people are not lucky enough
to be as naturally adorable as you are.
Copy !req
1000. Stop it, you're making me blush.
Copy !req
1001. Hello.
Copy !req
1002. Hi, Cher, how are you?
Copy !req
1003. Hi, Gail.
Copy !req
1004. Is my son there
cleaning out your refrigerator?
Copy !req
1005. No, he's not here.
Copy !req
1006. You should try the dorms.
Copy !req
1007. All right. Bye, hon.
Copy !req
1008. BYE-bye.
Copy !req
1009. What was that all about?
Copy !req
1010. She wants me to come home
for spring break.
Copy !req
1011. What's the big deal?
Nobody will be in school.
Copy !req
1012. Yeah, but Husband Number 4
is at home
Copy !req
1013. and his whole idea
of acting like a family is to criticize me.
Copy !req
1014. So what, you're gonna roam around
campus for two weeks all by yourself?
Copy !req
1015. I don't mind.
Copy !req
1016. That is stupid.
Why don't you just come here,
Copy !req
1017. you can have your old room, and
there are gonna be some great parties.
Copy !req
1018. - No.
- Why not?
Copy !req
1019. You got your whole social world
going on. I don't want to get in the way.
Copy !req
1020. You won't be in the way.
Copy !req
1021. How much fun would it be
having a brother-type tagging along?
Copy !req
1022. Josh, you are not my brother.
Copy !req
1023. Look, you know what I mean.
Copy !req
1024. Come on, you need some excitement
in your life.
Copy !req
1025. It will replenish you for your finals.
Copy !req
1026. - Okay.
- Good.
Copy !req
1027. I can't believe I'm taking advice
from someone who watches cartoons.
Copy !req
1028. Be quiet, you idiot!
Copy !req
1029. That's Ren and Stimpy.
Copy !req
1030. They are way existential.
Copy !req
1031. Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?
Copy !req
1032. No. Why, do I sound like I do?
Copy !req
1033. Christian said he'd call the next day,
but in boy time that meant Thursday.
Copy !req
1034. You can imagine my astonishment
Copy !req
1035. to hear from him
while I was packing Daddy up.
Copy !req
1036. Hello?
Copy !req
1037. He said he'd come over with
some videotapes and we'd watch them.
Copy !req
1038. A night alone with Christian?
I sent for reinforcements.
Copy !req
1039. De!
Copy !req
1040. Then De and I
had to design a lighting concept.
Copy !req
1041. And costume decisions.
Copy !req
1042. I don't rely on mirrors
so I always take Polaroids.
Copy !req
1043. Whenever a boy comes, you should
always have something baking.
Copy !req
1044. Oh! I'm still all red!
Copy !req
1045. I'm trying to make you
as white as I can, Cher.
Copy !req
1046. Look, you're all flushed.
You have to calm down. Okay, calm.
Copy !req
1047. You know, I am so glad I never did it
Copy !req
1048. with someone
I had lukewarm feelings for
Copy !req
1049. 'cause Christian is brutally hot.
Copy !req
1050. And I am gonna
remember tonight forever.
Copy !req
1051. Blot.
Copy !req
1052. Hi.
Copy !req
1053. Hi.
Copy !req
1054. Something burning?
Copy !req
1055. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1056. Oh, honey, you baked.
Copy !req
1057. I tried.
Copy !req
1058. Come on. Show me the rest of your pad.
Copy !req
1059. Your father
has a well-rounded collection.
Copy !req
1060. Daddy says it's a good investment.
Copy !req
1061. He's absolutely right. Claes Oldenburg.
Copy !req
1062. Oh, he's way famous.
Copy !req
1063. But this is older, see? Transitional.
Copy !req
1064. A very important piece.
Copy !req
1065. You want to go swimming?
Copy !req
1066. - Let's watch the movies.
- Oh, okay.
Copy !req
1067. Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis
Copy !req
1068. so he brought over Some Like it Hot
and Sparaticus.
Copy !req
1069. Singer of songs.
Copy !req
1070. For whom did you practice
this wondrous talent?
Copy !req
1071. For the children of my master
whom I also taught the classics.
Copy !req
1072. Classics, indeed?
Copy !req
1073. What position have we, I wonder,
for a boy of such varied gifts?
Copy !req
1074. You shall be my body servant.
Instruct him.
Copy !req
1075. All of you, come with me.
Copy !req
1076. My feet are cold.
Copy !req
1077. Thanks.
Copy !req
1078. Oh, watch this part. This is good.
Copy !req
1079. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1080. I'm fine.
Copy !req
1081. Do you want something to drink?
You know, I could get you some wine.
Copy !req
1082. No.
Copy !req
1083. You notice how wine makes people
want to feel, like sexy?
Copy !req
1084. That's okay.
Copy !req
1085. I'm actually getting tired.
Copy !req
1086. But I can make you some coffee
if you'd like.
Copy !req
1087. Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.
Copy !req
1088. You had all those cappuccinos before.
Copy !req
1089. Well, you know, that was, like, foam.
Copy !req
1090. You're great. We're friends, right?
Copy !req
1091. Knock me a little kiss.
Copy !req
1092. I'll see you.
Copy !req
1093. I don't get it. Did my hair get flat?
Copy !req
1094. Did I stumble into some bad lighting?
Copy !req
1095. What's wrong with me?
Copy !req
1096. Nothing! Maybe he really was tired.
Copy !req
1097. I suppose it wasn't meant to be.
I mean, he does dress better than I do.
Copy !req
1098. What would I bring to the relationship?
Copy !req
1099. Get back into the right lane.
What's the first thing you do?
Copy !req
1100. The first thing I do is I put on my blinker.
Copy !req
1101. Oh, wait, shit.
Copy !req
1102. - Watch the road!
- All right! Stop!
Copy !req
1103. Then I look in my mirror.
Copy !req
1104. Okay. Then I glance at my blind spot.
Copy !req
1105. You glance with your head
not the whole car!
Copy !req
1106. I swear to God...
Copy !req
1107. I swear to God, woman,
you can't drive for shit!
Copy !req
1108. - I'm not trying to hear that. No.
- Hear me! You...
Copy !req
1109. Actually, going all the way
is like a really big decision.
Copy !req
1110. I can't believe
I was so capricious about it.
Copy !req
1111. De, I almost had sex with him.
Copy !req
1112. You almost had sex with who?
Copy !req
1113. Christian.
Copy !req
1114. What?
Copy !req
1115. Look, are you bitches
blind or something?
Copy !req
1116. - Your man Christian is a cake boy.
- A what?
Copy !req
1117. He's a disco-dancing,
Oscar Wilde-reading,
Copy !req
1118. Streisand ticket-holding,
friend of Dorothy.
Copy !req
1119. You know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
1120. - No way.
- He's gay.
Copy !req
1121. - Not even.
- Yes, even.
Copy !req
1122. He does like to shop, Cher.
And the boy can dress.
Copy !req
1123. Oh, my God, I am totally bugging.
Copy !req
1124. I feel like such a bonehead.
Copy !req
1125. What the hell?
You're getting on the freeway!
Copy !req
1126. - What?
- No, turn right! Get out of the lane!
Copy !req
1127. No! Forget procedure,
just get out of the lane!
Copy !req
1128. A truck!
Copy !req
1129. We're on the freeway!
Copy !req
1130. What do I do, Murray?
Copy !req
1131. Just go straight! Go straight! Go!
Copy !req
1132. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1133. Just relax and drive, baby.
Just relax and drive.
Copy !req
1134. Okay.
Copy !req
1135. I'm here with you.
Copy !req
1136. Shut up!
Copy !req
1137. Whatever you do, keep your hands
on the wheel at all times!
Copy !req
1138. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1139. Just go!
Copy !req
1140. - Turn to the right!
- Okay.
Copy !req
1141. Oh, there it is. All right, we're off.
Copy !req
1142. You did wonderful.
Copy !req
1143. - It's all right, baby. Relax.
- You did it, De.
Copy !req
1144. Honey, relax. Baby, relax.
Copy !req
1145. Breathe, breathe in.
Breathe and let it out.
Copy !req
1146. Breathe, honey, breathe. Relax.
Copy !req
1147. Boy, getting off the freeway makes
you realize how important love is.
Copy !req
1148. After that, Dionne's virginity
went from "technical" to "nonexistent"
Copy !req
1149. and I realized how much
I wanted a boyfriend of my own.
Copy !req
1150. Not that Christian wasn't a blast
to hang outwith,
Copy !req
1151. he was becoming one of my favorite
shopping partners.
Copy !req
1152. The black one was, but so is the red.
Copy !req
1153. Where's Tai?
Copy !req
1154. She met some random guys
at the Foot Locker
Copy !req
1155. and escorted them right over there.
Copy !req
1156. Oh, my God, did you?
Copy !req
1157. I don't know where she meets
these Barneys.
Copy !req
1158. - I have a question, all right?
- What?
Copy !req
1159. The jacket, is it James Dean
or Jason Priestley?
Copy !req
1160. Carpe diem, okay? You looked hot in it.
Copy !req
1161. Really?
Copy !req
1162. - If I fall...
- Don't worry.
Copy !req
1163. - ... would you guys catch me?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1164. Could they please be more generic?
Copy !req
1165. Stop it! Please!
Copy !req
1166. Put me back up! Please put me back!
Copy !req
1167. Put me down!
Copy !req
1168. Thank you.
Copy !req
1169. - You asshole!
- Hey, man, we're just joking.
Copy !req
1170. Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.
Copy !req
1171. - Oh, my God.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
1172. Cher, you don't understand,
I was sitting there
Copy !req
1173. and I was talking to those guys
and all of a sudden
Copy !req
1174. we were laughing and they were...
Copy !req
1175. - Hey, you okay?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1176. - You sure?
- I'm fine.
Copy !req
1177. - Let's get you home for some R and R.
- What's that?
Copy !req
1178. Boy, considering
how clueless she was
Copy !req
1179. Tai certainly had
that damsel in distress act down.
Copy !req
1180. Meanwhile, back at school,
everyone was talking about
Copy !req
1181. Tai's brush with death at the mall.
Copy !req
1182. Was it like a montage of all the scenes
in your life?
Copy !req
1183. Not exactly a montage.
Copy !req
1184. Cher, is it true some gang members
tried to shoot Tai in the mall?
Copy !req
1185. No.
Copy !req
1186. Well, that's what everyone is saying.
Copy !req
1187. Whatever.
Copy !req
1188. When I was 9, I fell off this jungle gym.
Copy !req
1189. That G-spot
that they talk about in Cosmo...
Copy !req
1190. Wait, move down for Cher.
Copy !req
1191. Hi.
Copy !req
1192. Tell me more.
Copy !req
1193. Where was I?
Copy !req
1194. You were thinking
about what was really important.
Copy !req
1195. Right.
Copy !req
1196. Okay, right before you die,
your mind just sort of gets very clear.
Copy !req
1197. It's a very intense spiritual feeling...
Copy !req
1198. I know when I was held at gunpoint...
Copy !req
1199. - Excuse me. You were saying?
- It's spiritual.
Copy !req
1200. I don't know, I can't pinpoint
the spirituality of it for you
Copy !req
1201. if you've never experienced
anything quite...
Copy !req
1202. Tai, I was planning on going to Tower
and getting something for Christian.
Copy !req
1203. You know, like some kind of present
or something. You want to come?
Copy !req
1204. Sure. I mean, I owe him my life.
Copy !req
1205. So I'll get you after school.
Copy !req
1206. Yeah. You know, not today,
I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.
Copy !req
1207. We're going to Melrose.
Copy !req
1208. How about tomorrow?
Copy !req
1209. Do you think
we could do it next Monday?
Copy !req
1210. I mean my week's filling up
pretty fast here.
Copy !req
1211. So when we got back from the IHOP
it was 8:00.
Copy !req
1212. Oh, swoon. Here comes your boyfriend.
Copy !req
1213. Hey, Tai, check it out.
Copy !req
1214. Could you shove down a little bit?
Copy !req
1215. No.
Copy !req
1216. Hello, don't the slackers
prefer that grassy knoll over there?
Copy !req
1217. Tai.
Copy !req
1218. - Well, so anyway...
- What?
Copy !req
1219. Have you ever done it in water?
Copy !req
1220. - Oh, yeah.
- Really?
Copy !req
1221. Does the sponge work in water?
Copy !req
1222. What was happening?
Copy !req
1223. Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?
Copy !req
1224. Tai being the most popular girl
in school?
Copy !req
1225. It was like some sort of
alternate universe.
Copy !req
1226. On top of everything else,
I was going to take the driving test.
Copy !req
1227. So I had to find
my most responsible-looking ensemble.
Copy !req
1228. Where's my white collarless shirt
from Fred Segal?
Copy !req
1229. - Lucy, where's my shirt?
- Probably at the cleaner.
Copy !req
1230. But today's the driving test.
It's my most capable-looking outfit.
Copy !req
1231. Okay, I call them.
Copy !req
1232. It's too late now.
Copy !req
1233. We got another notice
from the fire department
Copy !req
1234. saying we have to clear out the bush.
Copy !req
1235. You said you were gonna get
José to do it.
Copy !req
1236. He's your gardener,
why you don't tell him?
Copy !req
1237. Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
Copy !req
1238. I not a Mexican!
Copy !req
1239. - Great. What was that all about?
- Lucy's from El Salvador.
Copy !req
1240. So?
Copy !req
1241. It's an entirely different country.
Copy !req
1242. What does that matter?
Copy !req
1243. You get upset if someone thinks
you live below Sunset.
Copy !req
1244. Okay. So everything is all my fault.
I'm always wrong, right?
Copy !req
1245. You're such a brat.
Copy !req
1246. I had an overwhelming sense
of ickiness.
Copy !req
1247. Even though I apologized to Lucy,
something was still plaguing me.
Copy !req
1248. Like Josh thinking I was mean
was making me postal.
Copy !req
1249. Move into the right lane.
Copy !req
1250. Anyway, why should I care
what Josh thinks?
Copy !req
1251. Why was I letting it
throw me into such turmoil?
Copy !req
1252. - Watch out for the bike rider!
- Hey!
Copy !req
1253. Oops, my bad.
Copy !req
1254. What are you doing?
You can't take up both lanes.
Copy !req
1255. Get in the right lane.
Copy !req
1256. Not so close!
Copy !req
1257. Should I write them a note?
Copy !req
1258. Pull over up here
and turn off the engine.
Copy !req
1259. Yeah, right there.
Copy !req
1260. Are you gonna take me somewhere
to make left-hand turns?
Copy !req
1261. We're going back to the DMV.
Copy !req
1262. - It's over?
- It's over.
Copy !req
1263. - Well, how did I do?
- How'd you do?
Copy !req
1264. Well, let's see, shall we?
Copy !req
1265. You can't park. You can't switch lanes.
Copy !req
1266. You can't make right-hand turns.
You've damaged private property
Copy !req
1267. and you almost killed someone.
Copy !req
1268. Offhand, I'd say you failed.
Copy !req
1269. Failed?
Copy !req
1270. Well, can't we just start over?
Copy !req
1271. I'm kind of having a personal problem.
Copy !req
1272. My mind was somewhere else.
Copy !req
1273. You saw how that biker
came out of nowhere, right?
Copy !req
1274. I swear I'll concentrate.
Copy !req
1275. I drive really good usually.
Copy !req
1276. Isn't there somebody else I can talk to?
A supervisor or something?
Copy !req
1277. You can't be the absolute and final word
in drivers' licenses.
Copy !req
1278. Girlie, as far as you're concerned,
I am the messiah of the DMV.
Copy !req
1279. Now get out of the car.
Copy !req
1280. I can't believe I failed.
Copy !req
1281. I failed something
I couldn't talk my way out of?
Copy !req
1282. All right. Put your legs into me.
Thank you.
Copy !req
1283. Okay.
Copy !req
1284. - Hey.-
- Hey.-
Copy !req
1285. - You're home.
- How does it feel to have a license?
Copy !req
1286. I wouldn't know. I failed.
Copy !req
1287. Oh. Bummer.
Copy !req
1288. And, Josh, spare me your lectures
Copy !req
1289. on how driving
is such a big responsibility
Copy !req
1290. you can't B.S. your way through it, okay?
Copy !req
1291. I didn't say anything.
Copy !req
1292. I know what you're thinking.
Copy !req
1293. I got to tell you something.
Copy !req
1294. I'm really sorry about your test and all.
Copy !req
1295. I'm so glad you're here.
Copy !req
1296. There's something I got to do and
I need you here with me while I do it.
Copy !req
1297. - Does this thing work?
- Yeah. Sure.
Copy !req
1298. What is this stuff?
Copy !req
1299. This is a bunch of junk
that reminded me of Elton.
Copy !req
1300. But I want to burn it
because I am so over him.
Copy !req
1301. - Well, what stuff?
- All right.
Copy !req
1302. Do you remember
when we were at the Val party
Copy !req
1303. and the clog knocked me out
and Elton got a towel of ice to cure me?
Copy !req
1304. Yeah.
Copy !req
1305. I didn't tell you at the time,
but I took the towel home as a souvenir.
Copy !req
1306. - You're kidding.
- No.
Copy !req
1307. And then, do you remember that song
that was playing when we danced?
Copy !req
1308. Remember that'?
You know, the Rolling with the Homies?
Copy !req
1309. Anyways, I got the tape, right?
I listened to it like every single night.
Copy !req
1310. Don't burn that. Okay.
Copy !req
1311. Tai, I'm really happy for you
Copy !req
1312. but what brought on
this surge of empowerment?
Copy !req
1313. It's like
Copy !req
1314. I met this guy
who's so totally amazing
Copy !req
1315. that he makes Elton look like a loser.
Copy !req
1316. That is so great.
Copy !req
1317. Look, you've got to help me get Josh.
Copy !req
1318. Get Josh what?
Copy !req
1319. You know what I mean.
Copy !req
1320. I like him.
Copy !req
1321. Do you think that he likes you?
Copy !req
1322. Yeah.
Copy !req
1323. How do you know?
Copy !req
1324. Like little things, you know?
Copy !req
1325. He always... He finds some sort of way
to touch me or tickle me.
Copy !req
1326. Do you remember the time at the frat
when I was totally depressed
Copy !req
1327. and he asked me to dance with him
and he was really flirty?
Copy !req
1328. You Okay?
Copy !req
1329. Yeah.
Copy !req
1330. Actually, I was really bad today.
Copy !req
1331. I had two mochaccinos.
I feel like ralphing.
Copy !req
1332. I know exactly how that feels.
Copy !req
1333. Like, the other day,
I was talking to Josh
Copy !req
1334. and we were discussing the difference
Copy !req
1335. between high-school girls
and college girls.
Copy !req
1336. College girls wear less makeup
on their face
Copy !req
1337. and that's why guys like them more.
Copy !req
1338. But, Tai, do you really think
you'd be good with Josh?
Copy !req
1339. I mean, he's like a school nerd.
Copy !req
1340. What, am I some sort of
a mentally challenged airhead?
Copy !req
1341. No, not even. I didn't say that.
Copy !req
1342. What, I'm not good enough
for Josh or something?
Copy !req
1343. I just don't think you'd
Copy !req
1344. mesh well together.
Copy !req
1345. You don't think that we mesh well?
Copy !req
1346. Why am I even listening
to you to begin with?
Copy !req
1347. You're a virgin who can't drive.
Copy !req
1348. That was way harsh, Tai.
Copy !req
1349. All right. Look, I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1350. Let's just talk when we've mellowed,
all right? I'm Audi.
Copy !req
1351. What did I do?
Copy !req
1352. I've created some sort of a monster.
Copy !req
1353. I could feel the chunks
start to rise up in my throat.
Copy !req
1354. I had to get out.
Copy !req
1355. Everything I think
and everything I do is wrong.
Copy !req
1356. I was wrong about Elton,
I was wrong about Christian...
Copy !req
1357. now Josh hated me.
Copy !req
1358. It all boiled down
to one inevitable conclusion:
Copy !req
1359. I was just totally clueless.
Copy !req
1360. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing
was wigging me more than anything.
Copy !req
1361. I mean, what was my problem?
Tai is my pal.
Copy !req
1362. I don't begrudge her a boyfriend.
I really...
Copy !req
1363. I wonder if they have that in my size.
Copy !req
1364. What does she want with Josh anyway?
Copy !req
1365. He dresses funny,
he listens to complaint rock
Copy !req
1366. he's not even cute
in a conventional way.
Copy !req
1367. I mean, he's just like this slug
Copy !req
1368. who hangs around the house
all the time.
Copy !req
1369. And he's a hideous dancer.
Copy !req
1370. Couldn't take him anywhere.
Copy !req
1371. Wait a second,
what am I stressing about?
Copy !req
1372. This is, like, Josh.
Copy !req
1373. Okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin.
Copy !req
1374. But what would he want with Tai?
Copy !req
1375. She couldn't make him happy.
Copy !req
1376. Josh needs someone with imagination,
someone to take care of him.
Copy !req
1377. Someone to laugh at his jokes,
in case he ever makes any.
Copy !req
1378. Then suddenly...
Copy !req
1379. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1380. I love Josh.
Copy !req
1381. I am majorly, totally,
butt crazy in love with Josh!
Copy !req
1382. But now I don't know
how to act around him.
Copy !req
1383. Ordinarily, I'd strut around him
in my cutest little outfits
Copy !req
1384. and send myself flowers and candy
Copy !req
1385. but I couldn't do that Stuff With Josh.
Copy !req
1386. - What's with you?
- What do you mean?
Copy !req
1387. You're so quiet.
Copy !req
1388. Haven't made me watch
The Real World.
Copy !req
1389. I care about the news.
Copy !req
1390. - Since when?
- Since now.
Copy !req
1391. retaliation for recent government
successes in central Bosnia.
Copy !req
1392. You look confused.
Copy !req
1393. Well, I thought they declared peace
in the Middle East.
Copy !req
1394. - Cher, get in here.
- What's up, Daddy?
Copy !req
1395. What are you doing
dancing in front of my office?
Copy !req
1396. Nothing. I just wanted to see
if you need any help with anything.
Copy !req
1397. Yeah, you could help me
with something.
Copy !req
1398. Come over here.
Copy !req
1399. All right.
Copy !req
1400. Every time that you see
a telephone conversation
Copy !req
1401. that took place on September 3,
highlight it.
Copy !req
1402. - Just September 3.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1403. It's fun?
Copy !req
1404. Yeah.
Copy !req
1405. Okay.
Copy !req
1406. Daddy, did you ever have a problem
that you couldn't argue your way out of?
Copy !req
1407. Tell me the problem
and we'll figure out how to argue it.
Copy !req
1408. - I like this boy...
- Yes?
Copy !req
1409. and he likes someone else.
Copy !req
1410. - How could that be?
- I don't know, but I feel wretched.
Copy !req
1411. Obviously this boy is a complete moron.
Copy !req
1412. You are the most beautiful girl
in Beverly Hills.
Copy !req
1413. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure
I want you with a stupid fellow like that.
Copy !req
1414. Actually he is a smart guy
Copy !req
1415. and, you know,
he's one of those do-gooder types
Copy !req
1416. and now I feel like all my after-school
commitments are just not good enough.
Copy !req
1417. How can you say that?
Copy !req
1418. Who takes care of everyone
in this household?
Copy !req
1419. Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?
Copy !req
1420. To tell you the truth,
I have not seen such good doing
Copy !req
1421. since your mother.
Copy !req
1422. - Really?
- Really.
Copy !req
1423. Now get back to work.
Copy !req
1424. Later, while we were learning
about the Pismo Beach disaster
Copy !req
1425. I decided I needed
a complete makeover.
Copy !req
1426. Except this time I'd make over my soul.
Copy !req
1427. But what makes somebody
a better person?
Copy !req
1428. And then I realized all my friends
were really good in different ways.
Copy !req
1429. Like Christian, he always wants things
to be beautiful and interesting.
Copy !req
1430. Or Dionne and Murray,
Copy !req
1431. when they think no one is watching,
are so considerate of each other.
Copy !req
1432. And poor Miss Geist
Copy !req
1433. always trying to get us involved,
no matter how much we resist.
Copy !req
1434. on, this is just...
Copy !req
1435. That doesn't even show, every
single possession, every memory
Copy !req
1436. everything you've had your whole life,
gone in a second.
Copy !req
1437. Can you imagine
what that must feel like?
Copy !req
1438. - Elton?
- Can I use the pass?
Copy !req
1439. Yeah.
Copy !req
1440. We'll be collecting blankets,
disposable diapers,
Copy !req
1441. canned goods.
Copy !req
1442. Miss Geist?
Copy !req
1443. - Cher?
- I want to help.
Copy !req
1444. That would be wonderful.
Copy !req
1445. I felt better already.
Copy !req
1446. - Daddy?
- What?
Copy !req
1447. You didn't like that red caviar, did you?
Copy !req
1448. What's she talking about?
Copy !req
1449. Cher, what are you doing?
Copy !req
1450. I'm captain
of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
Copy !req
1451. I don't think they need your skis.
Copy !req
1452. Daddy, some people lost
all their belongings.
Copy !req
1453. Don't you think
that includes athletic equipment?
Copy !req
1454. This is your influence, Josh?
Copy !req
1455. Hey, come here, sign up.
Copy !req
1456. It's gonna be really fun.
Copy !req
1457. And these beans, it's so great.
Copy !req
1458. - Shall I leave the blanket here?
- No.
Copy !req
1459. Could you please bring it to bedding?
Copy !req
1460. - Sure.
- Yes, thank you very much.
Copy !req
1461. Miss Geist, I need more boxes,
they're all filled up.
Copy !req
1462. Already? Great!
Copy !req
1463. I divided them into entrées
and appetizers.
Copy !req
1464. Okay. I'll have them picked up.
Copy !req
1465. Okay.
Copy !req
1466. - Hey.
- Proper.
Copy !req
1467. This is really decent of you, Travis.
Copy !req
1468. Sure.
Copy !req
1469. I wasn't sure about that.
Copy !req
1470. I don't need it anymore, but far be it
from me to deny anyone else.
Copy !req
1471. I wanted to tell you something.
Copy !req
1472. - I'm sorry about your shoes.
- What shoes?
Copy !req
1473. The red ones with the strappy thing.
Copy !req
1474. Those are so last season.
What even made you think of them?
Copy !req
1475. It's one of my steps.
See, I joined this club
Copy !req
1476. and they have all these steps.
There's like...
Copy !req
1477. Twelve?
Copy !req
1478. Yeah, 12. How'd you know?
Copy !req
1479. Wild guess.
Copy !req
1480. Wow, that's a good guess. Also, here.
Copy !req
1481. ASL?
Copy !req
1482. Amateur Skateboarding League.
Copy !req
1483. This clarity thing, it's brought me to
a whole new level and my skating is...
Copy !req
1484. You got to see it.
Would you come Saturday?
Copy !req
1485. Sure.
Copy !req
1486. Cool.
Copy !req
1487. Well, I guess, kitchenware?
Copy !req
1488. That's where I used to keep it.
Copy !req
1489. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1490. Cher, can I talk to you a minute?
Copy !req
1491. Sure.
Copy !req
1492. I have been in agony the past week
Copy !req
1493. and I can't even believe
that I went off the way I did.
Copy !req
1494. No, I have been going down
a shame spiral.
Copy !req
1495. I cannot even believe I was so
unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.
Copy !req
1496. No, you are entitled to your own opinion,
all right?
Copy !req
1497. I'm the tard here.
Copy !req
1498. Cher, you've been nothing
but super-duper nice to me.
Copy !req
1499. Not even. If it wasn't for me
Copy !req
1500. you wouldn't even have liked
that loser, Elton.
Copy !req
1501. I'm so sorry, Tai.
Copy !req
1502. Cher, I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1503. Oh, shit,
now I'm gonna go ahead and cry.
Copy !req
1504. - Let's never fight again, okay?
- Oh, totally.
Copy !req
1505. Next up, Number 14,
Travis Birkenstock.
Copy !req
1506. There he is, he waved to you.
Copy !req
1507. All right, Travis!
Copy !req
1508. I had no idea he was so motivated.
Copy !req
1509. Oh, I did.
Copy !req
1510. When I saw the sparks
between Tai and Travis
Copy !req
1511. I knew Josh was out of the picture.
Copy !req
1512. You look like Pippi Longstocking.
Copy !req
1513. You look like Forrest Gump.
Copy !req
1514. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Copy !req
1515. Someone Mel Gibson never played.
Copy !req
1516. You're funny.
Copy !req
1517. What happened to the August 28 files?
Copy !req
1518. What?
Copy !req
1519. Mel wanted them tonight.
There were twice as many.
Copy !req
1520. He's gonna go ballistic.
Where are they?
Copy !req
1521. I think I checked them
for the September 3 conversations.
Copy !req
1522. - What?
- Where'd you put them?
Copy !req
1523. I divided them into two piles.
Copy !req
1524. Is that wrong?
Copy !req
1525. My God! I have to redo all that.
What are you, some kind of idiot?
Copy !req
1526. Hey, she didn't know.
Copy !req
1527. She just set us back a day.
Copy !req
1528. Who cares about the September call?
Now we're screwed.
Copy !req
1529. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1530. Just forget it, okay?
Copy !req
1531. Just go back to the mall or something.
Copy !req
1532. What's your problem, man?
She didn't mean any harm.
Copy !req
1533. I'm gonna get killed,
'cause she's a moron.
Copy !req
1534. She's not a moron.
Copy !req
1535. If you were paying attention,
it wouldn't have happened.
Copy !req
1536. If you hadn't been playing footsie
with the dumb kid
Copy !req
1537. she wouldn't be bothering.
Copy !req
1538. What the hell are you talking about?
Copy !req
1539. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
1540. This is a multi-million dollar lawsuit,
not some excuse for puppy love.
Copy !req
1541. We've been working our butts off
on this case.
Copy !req
1542. I'll tell you what,
Copy !req
1543. you do whatever you want
with your butts. I'm calling in sick.
Copy !req
1544. Did I really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?
Copy !req
1545. No.
Copy !req
1546. Of course not.
Copy !req
1547. Did I set him back?
Copy !req
1548. There's so much work to be done
and he can't afford to lose that time.
Copy !req
1549. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.
Copy !req
1550. Your father won't lose any time.
Copy !req
1551. Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?
Copy !req
1552. I mean, making you worry like that.
Copy !req
1553. He's the one that screwed up,
and then he goes and blames us.
Copy !req
1554. I mean, imagine saying we were...
Copy !req
1555. you know.
Copy !req
1556. That's right.
You've been very dedicated to this case.
Copy !req
1557. Yeah, it was a good
learning experience, at least for me.
Copy !req
1558. I want to be a lawyer.
Copy !req
1559. But you, I mean,
you don't need to be doing this.
Copy !req
1560. Go out and have fun. Go shopping.
Copy !req
1561. You think that's all I do?
I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
Copy !req
1562. No, that's not what I meant.
Copy !req
1563. It's...
Copy !req
1564. You're young and beautiful
Copy !req
1565. and...
Copy !req
1566. And?
Copy !req
1567. And, well, what?
Copy !req
1568. You think I'm beautiful?
Copy !req
1569. You know...
Copy !req
1570. You know you're gorgeous, all right?
Copy !req
1571. And popular and...
Copy !req
1572. But this is not why I, you know,
I come here.
Copy !req
1573. This is a good learning experience
for me.
Copy !req
1574. You already said that.
Copy !req
1575. Mel. I want to help out Mel.
Copy !req
1576. He's the only one who cares about me.
Copy !req
1577. That's not true.
Copy !req
1578. He's not?
Copy !req
1579. No.
Copy !req
1580. Are you saying you care about me?
Copy !req
1581. Josh".
Copy !req
1582. Well, you can guess
what happened next.
Copy !req
1583. Therefore...
Copy !req
1584. As if! I am only 16...
Copy !req
1585. and this is California not Kentucky!
Copy !req
1586. You may kiss the bride.
Copy !req
1587. I know that when I have
my own wedding,
Copy !req
1588. I want this, like,
this whole entire floral motif,
Copy !req
1589. like very floral garlands...
Copy !req
1590. No. When I get married,
I'm gonna have a sailor dress
Copy !req
1591. but it's gonna be a gown.
Copy !req
1592. All my bridesmaids are gonna wear
sailor hats.
Copy !req
1593. - That sounds so cool.
- With veils.
Copy !req
1594. My God, they're planning
our weddings already.
Copy !req
1595. Could you all stop all that
"till death do us part" mumbo-jumbo?
Copy !req
1596. - I'm telling you, I'm completely bugging.
- Jeez, I'm bugging myself.
Copy !req
1597. Girls, she's about to throw the bouquet.
Come on!
Copy !req
1598. We got a pool going
to see whose girl gets the bouquet.
Copy !req
1599. It's up to $200.
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1600. It's in the bag.
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1601. All right, come on, girls.
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1602. Over here!
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1603. I got it!
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