Clueless (1995)

1. Okay, you're probably going, "Is this a Noxzema commercial or what?"

2. But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

3. I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.

4. Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.

5. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.

6. And Daddy's so good, he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.

7. He fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.

8. - Daddy. - Cher, please don't start

9. - with the juice again. - Daddy, you need your vitamin C.

10. Where's my briefcase?

11. It's been a couple of months now, so I said we'd go out to Malibu.

12. Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes have been calling again.

13. They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office.

14. Dr. Lovett's coming by to give you a flu shot.

15. Josh is in town, he's coming for dinner.

16. - Why? - He's your stepbrother.

17. You were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago.

18. - Why do I have to see Josh? - You divorce wives, not children.

19. - Here. - Forget it!

20. Did I show you the loqued-out jeep Daddy got me?

21. It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags, and a monster sound system.

22. I don't have a license yet, but I needed something to learn on.

23. Boy, they came out of nowhere.

24. Here's where Dionne lives.

25. She's my friend because we both know what it's like

26. to have people be jealous of us.

27. Dude!

28. Girlfriend!

29. And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.

30. Hey, Cher.

31. Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past

32. who now do infomercials.

33. So?

34. Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?

35. At least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.

36. It's faux.

37. - Hello! That was a stop sign. - I totally paused.

38. Yeah. Okay.

39. It's not even 8:30 and Murray is paging me.

40. - He is so possessive. - Tell me about it.

41. This weekend he called me and he's all, "Where were you?"

42. I'm like, "I'm at my grandmother's..."

43. Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship.

44. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie

45. just too many times.

46. Now I have to say to her...

47. De, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.

48. I know. Here he comes.

49. Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?

50. - I hate when you call me "woman." - Where you been all weekend?

51. - You jeeping behind my back? - Jeeping?

52. Jeeping. Know what I'm saying?

53. No, but speaking of vehicular sex

54. perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension

55. - got into the back seat of your car. - I don't know where that came from.

56. That looks like one of your little stringy things you got up in your hair.

57. I do not wear polyester hair, okay?

58. Unlike some people I know, like Shawana.

59. - De, I'm Audi. - Bye.

60. - Why do you gotta go there? - That's it! I've had it with you!

61. Is it that time of the month again?

62. I don't know why Dionne's going out with a high-school boy.

63. They're like dogs.

64. You have to clean them and feed them and...

65. They're just like these nervous creatures

66. that jump and slobber all over you.

67. Get off of me.

68. As if!

69. Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?

70. Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro.

71. Cher, two minutes.

72. So, okay.

73. Like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America.

74. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?"

75. But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right?

76. I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.

77. But people came that, like, did not RSVP. So, I was like totally bugging.

78. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food,

79. squish in extra place settings,

80. but by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier.

81. And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen,

82. rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.

83. And in conclusion, may I please remind you

84. that it does not say "RSVP" on the Statue of Liberty.

85. Thank you very much.

86. Amber, a reply?

87. Mr. Hall, how can I answer that?

88. The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.

89. Hello! It was his 50th birthday.

90. Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.

91. Ladies.

92. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?

93. Elton, comments?

94. Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the Quad

95. - before somebody snags it. - I'm afraid I can't permit that.

96. - Any further insights? - I had an insight, Mr. Hall.

97. I'm all ears.

98. Okay. Like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones

99. is the way my kids are gonna feel about Nine Inch Nails,

100. so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?

101. Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti

102. but tolerance is always a good lesson.

103. - Thank you. - Even when it comes out of nowhere.

104. And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute your report cards.

105. Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?

106. Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody,

107. so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here.

108. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.

109. Thank you for that perspective, Cher.

110. Now, could all conversations please come to a halt?

111. And could the suicide attempts

112. please be postponed till the next period?

113. Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.

114. I got a C in Debate?

115. - De? - What's up?

116. - Did you get your report card? - Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?

117. I totally choked. My father is gonna go ballistic on me.

118. Mr. Hall was way harsh.

119. He gave me a C-.

120. He gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.

121. - Bye. - I'll call you, okay?

122. Yeah.

123. Isn't my house classic?

124. The columns date all the way back to 1972.

125. Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby,

126. a fluke accident during a routine liposuction.

127. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.

128. Ma, 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?

129. Yuck.

130. The maudlin music of the university station?

131. What is it about college and crybaby music?

132. Who's watching the galleria?

133. So, the flannel shirt deal,

134. is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather

135. or you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

136. Oh, my, you're filling out there.

137. Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.

138. - I went by Dad's office. - He is not your dad.

139. Why don't you torture a new family?

140. Just because my mother married someone else

141. doesn't mean he's my father.

142. Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

143. I hope you're not thinking of staying here.

144. - I sure want to. - I'm sure you do.

145. I got a place in Westwood near school.

146. Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast?

147. I hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.

148. You're funny.

149. What's your problem, Beavis?

150. Infantry furiously trading machine gun fire.

151. You just got here and already you're playing Couch Commando.

152. In some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual

153. but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

154. Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool.

155. Tell me that part about Kenny G again.

156. Come on, you chuckleheads, get in here.

157. Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

158. I don't think so.

159. - Doesn't he look bigger? - His head does.

160. Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion

161. about corporate law?

162. Yeah, but I think I'd really like to check out environmental law.

163. What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

164. Josh will have that no matter what he does.

165. At least he knows what he wants to do

166. and he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

167. - I have direction. - Yeah. Towards the mall.

168. Which reminds me, where's your report card?

169. - It's not ready yet. - What do you mean, it's not ready yet?

170. Well, some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy.

171. And I know how you say never accept a first offer,

172. so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

173. Very good.

174. Whose is that?

175. De?

176. Hello? Yeah, Jake, what?

177. No, not the afternoon!

178. You are such a brownnoser.

179. And you are such a superficial space cadet.

180. What makes you think you'll get teachers to change your grades?

181. Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.

182. I told my P.E. teacher an evil male had broken my heart,

183. so she raised my C to a B.

184. - Miserable. - They're horrible.

185. - I can't eat, I can't sleep. - Don't feel bad. I know.

186. And you see, they're all like that.

187. Then I promised Miss Geist I'd start a letter-writing campaign

188. to my congressman about violations of the Clean Air Act.

189. But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.

190. He said my debates were unresearched

191. unstructured, and unconvincing.

192. AS if!

193. I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate.

194. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts

195. and regain my strength.

196. Dude, what's wrong?

197. Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?

198. God, no, nothing like that. It's just that

199. we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.

200. I tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude

201. but I was brutally rebuffed.

202. Get over it. He's a miserable little man who wants to make

203. everyone else miserable, too.

204. De, that's it.

205. We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.

206. Here's the 411 on Mr. Hall.

207. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job.

208. What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest.

209. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school.

210. The evil trolls from the Math Department were actually married.

211. Snickers.

212. And in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers

213. Miss Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented.

214. Of course, there was always Miss Geist.

215. Something told me not to discount Miss Geist.

216. Sure, she has runs in her stockings and her slip is always showing

217. and she has more lipstick on her teeth than on her mouth.

218. Popular uprisings from Estates to the general assembly.

219. God, this woman is screaming for a makeover.

220. I'm her only hope.

221. "Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

222. "But thy eternal summer shall not fade"

223. Phat! Did you write that?

224. - Duh! It's like a famous quote. - From where?

225. Cliffs Notes.

226. I know you're going to be doing better, Travis.

227. No, if you run along, I'll see you third period.

228. And we'll try to remember to bring our textbooks.

229. Okay.

230. My God, she actually looked happy!

231. Classic.

232. - Paroudasm Banafshein. - Here.

233. Sixteen tardies to work off.

234. Janet Hong, no tardies.

235. Travis Birkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class.

236. Congratulations.

237. This is so unexpected, I didn't even have a speech prepared.

238. But I would like to say this:

239. Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own.

240. Many people contributed to my tardiness.

241. I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school.

242. The LA City bus drivers for taking a chance on an unknown kid.

243. And last, but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonald's

244. for spending hours making those Egg McMuffins

245. without which I might never be tardy.

246. If Mr. Birkenstock has no political messages

247. to include in his speech, I'll go on.

248. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.

249. I object.

250. Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?

251. One was last Monday.

252. Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave.

253. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.

254. I assume you're referring to women's troubles and so I'll let that one slide.

255. Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Geist was right about you.

256. What do you mean?

257. She said that you were the only one in the school with any intelligence.

258. Cher, get in here.

259. Yes, Daddy?

260. Would you tell me what the hell this is?

261. A second notice for three outstanding tickets.

262. I don't remember getting a first notice.

263. The ticket is the first notice.

264. I didn't even know you can get tickets without a license.

265. Sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.

266. Is that so? Not around here, you can't.

267. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit,

268. do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present.

269. No cruising around with Dionne, all right?

270. Two permits do not equal a license. Do I make myself clear?

271. Yes, Daddy.

272. I expect you to become a good driver. I wanna see you apply yourself.

273. - I will. I'm gonna practice real hard. - Okay.

274. A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?

275. Granola breath, you got something on your chin.

276. - I'm growing a goatee. - That's good.

277. You don't wanna be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.

278. I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours

279. but in the interest of saving time, why don't you tell me what you want?

280. Okay.

281. So, actually

282. I have a permit and I can drive and all

283. but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licensed driver.

284. And since you're not doing anything and all...

285. What are the chances of you shutting up till you get your way?

286. Slim to none. Come on!

287. James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

288. I am. You try driving in platforms.

289. I got to get back to school. Wanna practice parking?

290. What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.

291. What class are you going to?

292. Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting.

293. We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

294. How fabulous.

295. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule

296. to plant trees?

297. Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?

298. Well, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause.

299. Make a contribution.

300. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...

301. Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy.

302. time and funds.

303. And, as soon as I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals.

304. And I've contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance.

305. Which, I'll bet, serves your interests more than theirs.

306. If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90% selfish, I'd die of shock.

307. That'd be reason enough for me.

308. - Would you call me selfish? - No, not to your face.

309. Really?

310. Is Josh giving you shit 'cause he's going through

311. his post-adolescent idealistic phase?

312. Look, there's Mr. Hall.

313. Mr. Hall.

314. Do you drink coffee?

315. Not from this cafeteria.

316. But, yes, under normal circumstances.

317. I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning

318. I gave him my lemon Snapple and I took his sucky Italian roast.

319. Do you want it?

320. - Are you sure you don't want it? - It might stunt my growth.

321. And I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford.

322. I thought maybe you or Miss Geist might like it.

323. Maybe you could share it.

324. - Thanks. - Sure.

325. - Miss Geist. - Hi, girls.

326. Did you sign up for the environmental fair?

327. Yeah, we will.

328. You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them.

329. - These clips are so cute. - This top is so '80s.

330. And this tiny little waist.

331. You girls are sweet.

332. Don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.

333. Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.

334. We did our best.

335. We gotta book if we're gonna make it to P.E.

336. Come on, De.

337. I feel like bailing, dude. Come on.

338. I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heifer.

339. I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon,

340. a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's

341. - and like three pieces of licorice. - My God. Look.

342. Is that a photo op or what?

343. Would you look at that body language?

344. Legs crossed toward each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.

345. - Cher, he's getting her digits. - Look at Geist. She's so cute.

346. Old people can be so sweet.

347. The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement

348. in their grades.

349. - Cher, what's this all about? - My report card.

350. The same semester?

351. What'd you do, turn in some extra-credit reports?

352. No.

353. Did you take the midterms over?

354. You mean to tell me that you argued your way

355. from a C+ to an A-?

356. Totally based on my powers of persuasion. Are you proud?

357. Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

358. - Fabulous. - Thank you.

359. I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.

360. De, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.

361. Follow through. There you go.

362. All right, Cher.

363. Earth to Cher! Come in, Cher!

364. Miss Stoeger.

365. I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace.

366. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective.

367. I doubt I worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

368. Well, you certainly exercised your mouth, Cher. Now hit the ball.

369. Miss Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!

370. Thanks for the legal advice.

371. Dionne, you're up.

372. Miss Stoeger, I have a note from my tennis instructor

373. and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training

374. that might derail his teachings.

375. Fine. Amber?

376. Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing

377. any activity where balls fly at my nose.

378. Well, there goes your social life.

379. Miss Stoeger.

380. Got another one.

381. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Fraiser.

382. Tai, you don't have time to change, but you can hit a few balls in those clothes.

383. She could be a farmer in those clothes.

384. - All right, Amber, that's enough. - De, my mission is clear.

385. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless.

386. - We've got to adopt her. - Cher, she is tore up.

387. Our stock would plummet.

388. De, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?

389. - No. - Come here.

390. Yeah, come here.

391. - Hang with us. - Thank you.

392. - How do you like California? - Man, I'm freaking.

393. I could really use some sort of an herbal refreshment.

394. We do lunch in 10 minutes. We don't have any tea

395. - but we have Coke and stuff. - No shit! You guys got coke here?

396. - Yeah. - Yeah, this is America.

397. So we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.

398. That is Alana's group over there. They do the TV station.

399. They think that's the most important thing on earth.

400. And that's the Persian Mafia.

401. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW.

402. And there's Elton in the white vest.

403. And all the most popular boys in the school.

404. - Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute? - Yeah.

405. If you make the decision to date a high-school boy

406. they're the only acceptable ones.

407. Cher, which one of them's your boyfriend?

408. As if!

409. Cher's got attitude about high-school boys.

410. It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.

411. Woman, lend me $5.

412. Murray, I've asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman."

413. - Excuse me, Miss Dionne. - Thank you.

414. Street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression.

415. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking

416. but not necessarily misogynistic undertones.

417. You guys talk like grownups.

418. Well, this is a really good school.

419. I'm gonna go get a soda. You guys want?

420. - Yeah, sure. - All right.

421. She's nice.

422. Project.

423. That's disgusting.

424. That's nice representation there.

425. Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.

426. You like them? I was thinking it was too cluttered.

427. I wanna wipe all this out and concentrate

428. on one main decorative statement, like Marvin the Martian right there.

429. Get out of town! I can do Marvin the Martian.

430. Really?

431. I mean, there's not really a lot to him, but

432. - you wanna see? - Yeah.

433. Here.

434. - Wow. That's really cool. - Thanks.

435. - You drew that? - Yeah. And wait, I got

436. - one here. - You didn't trace this?

437. No. Here's another one over here.

438. And lots of little guys.

439. - That is so cute. - I love to draw.

440. You're really good at it.

441. - No. - No, really, you are.

442. - No. - Yeah.

443. - Are you sure that's fat-free? - Yes.

444. And you lose weight by doing it like this, cutting it really small.

445. - I met a really cool guy. - Describe.

446. All right, he's got long hair, he's really funny.

447. Straight off, right, he offers me some smoke.

448. There he is.

449. - Are you talking about drugs? - Yeah.

450. - Tai, how old are you? - I'll be 16 in May.

451. My birthday's in April, and as someone older

452. can I please give you some advice?

453. It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties

454. but it is quite another to be fried all day.

455. Do you see the distinction?

456. - Yeah. - Loadies generally hang

457. on the grassy knoll over there.

458. Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things

459. and we all laugh, of course

460. but no respectable girl actually dates them.

461. You don't wanna start off on the wrong foot now, do you?

462. I've got an idea.

463. Let's do a makeover.

464. No.

465. Come on, let us. Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover, okay?

466. It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.

467. Please?

468. Sure. Why not?

469. Shit, you guys. I've never had straight friends before.

470. Now squeeze your buttocks when you come up.

471. - Squeeze here. - Cher.

472. I don't wanna do this anymore.

473. And my buns, they don't feel nothing like steel.

474. Okay, it will get easier, I promise.

475. Just as long as we do it every day, not just sporadically.

476. How do you know if you're doing it sporadically?

477. That's another thing, Tai. We've got to work on your accent and vocabulary.

478. See, "sporadic" means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.

479. - All right. - Okay, from now on

480. we're alternating Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize and Buns of Steel

481. and reading one non-school book a week.

482. My first book is Fit or Fat.

483. Mine is, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

484. Good. That takes care of our minds and bodies.

485. But we should do something good for mankind or the planet

486. for a couple of hours.

487. Hey, brainiac.

488. The dreaded ex. Tai, this is Josh.

489. Nice to meet you.

490. You know about this stuff.

491. I wanna do something good for humanity.

492. How about sterilization?

493. - What do you think? - I'm amazed.

494. That I am devoting myself so generously to someone else?

495. No.

496. That you found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.

497. I am rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds

498. of adolescence could take years to heal?

499. And you've never had a mother, so you're acting out on that poor girl

500. like she was your Barbie doll.

501. Freshman psych rears its ugly head.

502. - I am not taking psych. - Whatever.

503. I'm going to take that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular.

504. Her life will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?

505. Mentos better, Mentos fresher

506. Fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life

507. Mentos.

508. The freshmaker.

509. - Be seeing you. - Yeah, I hope not sporadically.

510. My God, do you see how boys are responding?

511. - My heart is totally bursting. - I know. I'm kvelling.

512. - Cher, you have Diemer, right? - Geist.

513. Tai, did you get a flyer?

514. Thanks.

515. A party.

516. It's in the Valley. The cops usually break them up in less than an hour.

517. - It takes that long to get there. - Besides, it's just local loadies.

518. Do you guys think that Travis is gonna be there?

519. - Tai, I thought we moved on from there. - Don't sell yourself short now.

520. You've got something going that no one in this school has.

521. I'm not a virgin.

522. I mean mystery. As far as everyone's concerned

523. you were the most popular girl in your school.

524. And the fact that you hang with De and I, well...

525. Speaks very highly of you.

526. If you strike while the iron is hot, you can have any guy that you want.

527. - Yeah. - Like who?

528. Let's see, who's available? There's Bronson, Brandon. I got it!

529. - Elton. He just broke up with Valette. - Yes!

530. Who's Elton?

531. My God, he's way popular. He's like the social director of the crew.

532. And his dad can get you into any concert.

533. And I noticed him scoping you out.

534. - He was looking at me? - Says you gave him a toothache.

535. How'd I do that?

536. It's an expression. It means he thought you were sweet.

537. Yeah?

538. - Is that true? - No.

539. You are so bad.

540. Okay, you guys, let's all get together. That is great.

541. Smile.

542. Tai, get a little closer.

543. Closer, Tai.

544. Elton, why don't you put your arm around Tai?

545. All right.

546. Yeah, that's good.

547. Okay.

548. Okay. Tai, come here.

549. - Hold that. - Okay.

550. Cool picture.

551. - Doesn't she look classic? - Yeah, she's beautiful.

552. She looks like one of those Botticelli chicks.

553. Why don't you make me a copy of this, okay?

554. Sure.

555. - Hi, Daddy, this is my friend Tai. - Get out of my chair.

556. Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.

557. What is this crap?

558. Daddy, it's from the Cut Your Cholesterol cookbook.

559. Dr. Lovett says you've got to get down to 200.

560. - No calls tonight. - But it's Dionne.

561. - I'm sorry. - It might be important.

562. We're gonna have a nice family dinner.

563. So, what did you do in school today?

564. Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

565. Yeah, hello?

566. Jake. Yeah. No.

567. De, what up?

568. So check it. Murray's Geometry class is right by Elton's locker

569. and taped up inside was the picture you took of Tai.

570. - My God! - What?

571. Elton's got a picture of you hanging up in his locker.

572. Oh, no shit!

573. Hello!

574. So anyway, the whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.

575. Bye.

576. Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.

577. I told you I wanted it in the morning! No!

578. Just look at the top of the map. Sun Valley is north.

579. No. All I see is Bel Air, okay? That's it.

580. - Then you're on the wrong map. - I'm not on the wrong map.

581. Look at the number on the top.

582. There are no numbers on the top. There's letters.

583. - Murray, shut up. - Do you think it's gonna frizz out?

584. Listen, Tai, when we get there, make sure Elton sees you

585. but don't say hi first.

586. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular.

587. Talk to someone in his eye line, preferably a guy.

588. Make him come to you.

589. And find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation.

590. The key is always have him wanting more. You got it?

591. - I got it. - Okay.

592. Heads up!

593. Did you just see that?

594. God, skateboards. That is like so five years ago.

595. You guys came. That's great. You want a beer? I'll get you one.

596. All right.

597. Yeah. This shit is whack.

598. This is raging.

599. Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.

600. Who was that?

601. Cher, ain't that the same dress that you were wearing yesterday?

602. Say, Ambular.

603. Hi!

604. Was that you going through my laundry?

605. As if.

606. Like I would really wear something from Judy's.

607. Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensemble-y challenged?"

608. A clone.

609. Cher, you look much better in that dress than she did.

610. Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?

611. I'm sorry.

612. Excuse me, my shoe.

613. This is so not fixable.

614. It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, I'll make amends.

615. How about some chronic shit?

616. - It's the least you can do. - Okay.

617. Spark it.

618. Elton is over there.

619. Act like Travis is saying something funny.

620. Sorry.

621. - What's so funny? - Nothing.

622. - Here. - Hey, everyone.

623. Let's play Suck and Blow.

624. God, Elton, can't you suck?

625. It's De. Come on.

626. What have you done?

627. My God.

628. - Why did you do this to your head? - 'Cause I'm keeping it real.

629. What? Look what he's done to his head.

630. - Can you believe this? - Look at Lawrence's head.

631. - It's the bomb. - Know what I'm saying? You look good!

632. As will you.

633. What do you care what he thinks? I'm the one that has to look at you!

634. That was a big mistake! What am I gonna do with you now?

635. And right before the yearbook pictures. What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?

636. You know what? Okay. That's it. You wanna play games?

637. - I'm calling your mother. - No, wait, hold on. No.

638. - Wait, don't call my mom. - Come on. Chill, man. Chill!

639. Don't call my mom!

640. The same thing happened at the spring dance.

641. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.

642. That almost destroyed my buzz.

643. I'm still baked.

644. What do you say we go bump into people?

645. Yeah, I'm cool with that.

646. Tai, wait up.

647. - Are you okay? - Yeah.

648. Where's your sense of pit hospitality?

649. That was so cool the way you did that. I wish I could do it.

650. - No, don't - Why not?

651. 'Cause if girls did it, what would guys do to impress them?

652. I don't know, like, stuff.

653. - You know? - What kind of stuff?

654. - Tai, I need you. - Okay.

655. Elton's over there.

656. Tai. Elton, help me!

657. - You guys should use ice. - No, Travis, we've got it under control.

658. Tai, are you okay?

659. Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.

660. If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.

661. - What's seven times seven? - Stuff she knows.

662. - That's some bump you've got there. - Yeah.

663. - You ready to go back out there? - Yeah, I am.

664. All right. You sure? Can you do this?

665. Rolling with the homies

666. Rolling with the homies

667. Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.

668. I had to give myself snaps for all the good deeds I was doing.

669. It was so great. Love was everywhere.

670. Even though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai.

671. It's like that book I read in ninth grade that said,

672. "'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people."

673. - Hello? - Do you know what time it is?

674. A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.

675. Where are you?

676. I'm just having a snack with my girlfriends.

677. - Where, in Kuwait? - Is that in the Valley?

678. Cher, I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes.

679. Well, it might take longer than that, Dad.

680. Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes.

681. Sorry to make you leave.

682. Dionne's bucking for Best Dramatic Actress at a Val Party.

683. Hey, Summer.

684. Hi. Pretty random fiesta. Do you need a ride home?

685. - That'd be great. Thanks. - No, I got her.

686. I'm right below Wilshire and Linden, so...

687. That's right near me. I'm above Olympic.

688. Great. Then, Tai, you'll go with Summer and, Cher, you'll come with me.

689. Actually, you could take Wilshire to Canon and that turns into Benedict.

690. Well, then she'd have to go back south and I'm already going north.

691. But you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset.

692. - Yeah. - That doesn't make any sense.

693. I'd have to get off the freeway. I hate that. Tai, go with Summer.

694. Cher, you'll come with me. Watch your feet.

695. Didn't Tai look cute tonight?

696. Turn away

697. Turn away

698. Turn away

699. I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know.

700. It's also very pretty when it's all up with that curly tendrils

701. like in that picture I took.

702. You know, you're one of my best friends.

703. And I do not have friends that are girls.

704. Well, I'm glad because your happiness means a lot to me.

705. It does?

706. Sure. I saw how hard your breakup with Valette was.

707. Yeah. I think we both know what it feels like to be lonely.

708. Whatever. The thing is I'd really like to see you settled already.

709. Where are we going?

710. I knew it.

711. You knew what?

712. - That you were totally sprung on me. - Hello! Don't you mean Tai?

713. - Tai? - You have her picture in your locker.

714. I have the picture you took in my locker.

715. I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.

716. - I knew it. I knew when you kissed me. - Suck and Blow is a game, Elton.

717. No, it's not.

718. Stop it.

719. Fine. You know, I don't get you, Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.

720. As if.

721. I have been trying to get you together with Tai.

722. Tai? Why would I go With Tai?

723. - Why not? - Why not? Why not?

724. Don't you even know who my father is?

725. You are a snob and a half.

726. Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai.

727. We don't make any sense. Right?

728. Me and you.

729. Well, I mean, that makes sense.

730. - Cut it out! - Come on, Cher.

731. Stop it!

732. Cher. Where you going?

733. You're only hurting yourself here, baby. Come on.

734. You gonna walk home? Get back in the car, please.

735. Get back in the car.

736. Leave me alone.

737. Fine.

738. Where are you going?

739. Shit.

740. Valley Information.

741. Do you have the number of a cab company?

742. Which one?

743. I don't know which one. What do you have out here?

744. - We have Valley Cab. - Hand it over.

745. Give me the phone. Okay.

746. Your bag, too. Come on!

747. All right. Now, get down on the ground. Face down.

748. - Come on! - Oh, no. You don't understand.

749. This is an Alaia.

750. An A-what?

751. It's like a totally important designer.

752. And I will totally shoot you in the head.

753. Get down.

754. That's good. That's good right there. All right.

755. Count to 100. Thank you.

756. One, two...

757. The evening had turned into a royal mess.

758. Sexually harassed. Robbed.

759. I didn't know the number of the party, so I couldn't call Dionne.

760. And Daddy would kill me if he knew where I was.

761. There was just one person left to call

762. and I really, really didn't want to call him.

763. Come on.

764. - Hello? - Josh, you busy?

765. - Who is it? - It's Mel's daughter.

766. So, okay, I was at this party and my designated driver

767. tried to attack me, so I got out so he'd stop.

768. But then he drove off and deserted me.

769. And then this guy with a gun held me up, took my money

770. and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress.

771. Okay. Look, where are you?

772. Sun Valley.

773. Man, you owe me.

774. Look, the man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique thought

775. in his little, puny brain.

776. I think that there's some merit in learning forms straight off.

777. Josh, please. He's taken our minds at their most fecund point.

778. - What? - And restrained them before they've

779. wandered through the garden of ideas.

780. It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."

781. No, Hamlet didn't say that.

782. I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.

783. I remember Mel Gibson accurately and he didn't say that.

784. That Polonius guy did.

785. I'm gonna walk Heather to her door. Try and stay out of trouble.

786. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.

787. I didn't know what I was going to say to Tai.

788. I felt really nervous.

789. And even Fabianne, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.

790. It's my hips, isn't it?

791. - No, of course not. - Yes.

792. Don't be stupid. You could do so much better.

793. - He thinks he's all that, Tai. - Yeah, God's gift.

794. You're too good for him.

795. If I'm too good for him, then how come I'm not with him?

796. I have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth

797. go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.

798. Yes!

799. You guys.

800. Look at him.

801. Baby!

802. Break me off a piece of that.

803. - Survey says? - Doable.

804. Puny. I like them big.

805. I hate muscles.

806. You know what, I don't really care either way.

807. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.

808. What?

809. - Don't scare her. - Why, what's wrong?

810. Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.

811. Cher, you're a virgin?

812. God, you say that like it's a bad thing.

813. Besides, the P.C. term is "hymenally challenged."

814. I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person.

815. You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.

816. Yeah.

817. - God, you're one to talk, De. - Wait a minute here. Wait.

818. I thought that, like, you and Murray were...

819. My man is satisfied. He's got no cause for complaints.

820. But technically, lam a virgin. You know what I mean.

821. Oh, God.

822. - What's wrong, Tai? - They're playing our song.

823. You know, the one that Elton and I danced to.

824. Rolling with the homies

825. - Tai. Don't cry. - I'm sorry.

826. Oh, God.

827. Stop!

828. I could tell Tai's grieving period would be considerable

829. unless I found someone to take Elton's place right away.

830. So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all

831. but I don't get how guys dress today.

832. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed

833. and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair

834. and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon?

835. I don't think so.

836. Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning

837. in a Pauly Shore movie.

838. So this must be the elusive Christian.

839. - Where should I park? - There's one, third back.

840. Okay. Now I know I said I'd find a guy for Tai

841. but I suppose there's no harm in finding one for myself also.

842. Nice stems.

843. Thanks.

844. - Cher? - Present.

845. I guess we established that during attendance.

846. - It's time for your oral. - Excuse me?

847. Your original oral. The topic is violence in the media.

848. So, okay.

849. The Attorney General says

850. there's too much violence on TV and that should stop.

851. But even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news.

852. Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news

853. there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

854. Thank you.

855. Any comments? Elton?

856. My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?

857. Travis?

858. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up. Fine holiday fun.

859. Hello! Was I the only one listening?

860. I mean, I thought it reeked.

861. I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.

862. I dug it.

863. During the next few days, I did what any normal girl would do...

864. I sent myself love letters

865. and flowers and candy...

866. just so he'd see how desired I was, in case he didn't already know.

867. Christian.

868. And anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

869. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin.

870. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

871. - Hey, duchess? - Yes?

872. You rationed this weekend?

873. Like Saturday.

874. I'm new, but I thought maybe you had an in on the heavy clambakes.

875. My ex-stepbrother's friends are having a party.

876. Solid.

877. Suddenly Daddy had a case that had to be solved right away

878. so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.

879. - Daddy! - What?

880. I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while!

881. Then he can wait outside.

882. Josh, please?

883. Come on, Josh!

884. Come on!

885. What do you hear?

886. She's not ready.

887. Hey, man.

888. Nice pile of bricks you got here.

889. - You drink? - No, thanks. I'm cool.

890. I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink.

891. You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?

892. Hey, man, the protective vibe, I dig.

893. What's with you, kid?

894. You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the rat pack?

895. Christian.

896. Doll face.

897. Handsome.

898. Stunning.

899. You're not letting her go out like that, are you?

900. - Cher, get in here. - What's up, Daddy?

901. - What the hell is that? - A dress.

902. - Says who? - Calvin Klein.

903. It looks like underwear! Go upstairs and put something over it!

904. I was just going to.

905. Hey, you!

906. Anything happens to my daughter, I got a.45 and a shovel.

907. I doubt anybody would miss you.

908. Bye, Daddy.

909. Come on.

910. - It's so killer. - Thank you.

911. - Your dad is pretty scary. - Isn't he?

912. - You like Billie Holiday? - I love him.

913. Right.

914. - I didn't like him. - What's to like?

915. - Maybe I should go to the party. - If you feel like you should go.

916. - You don't need me, do you? - No.

917. - I mean, unless you want me to stay... - Josh, go to the party. Go.

918. Okay.

919. - I'll watch her for you. - Okay.

920. You do that.

921. Tai!

922. Oh, my God!

923. Tai, are you okay?

924. God, shit, that is so embarrassing.

925. No, no one saw.

926. Good. Now all night long I'll be known as "that girl who fell on her butt."

927. Tai, no one noticed.

928. Wow, are you okay? That looked really bad.

929. Yeah, thanks.

930. Oh, my God, Cher, look.

931. He's going with Amber?

932. No, he's probably just dancing with her.

933. - Do you think she's pretty? - She's a full-on Monet.

934. - What's a Monet? - It's like the paintings, see?

935. From far away it's okay, but up close it's a big old mess.

936. Let's ask a guy.

937. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

938. - Hagsvme. - See?

939. Dig this, they're charging for brewskies.

940. - Pass me a fin, I'll pay you back? - Sure.

941. Thanks.

942. Oh, he is so cute.

943. Oh, my God, do you see how he's falling in love with me?

944. Excuse me.

945. I mean, look how he ignores every other girl.

946. What's it all about? What am I gonna do with that?

947. I wouldn't know.

948. Oh, God, look. There's Josh.

949. I didn't even see him come in. But it's like he finds the only adult in here.

950. Like he's deliberately trying to not have fun.

951. Cher, I have a question.

952. What should I do with this, should I tie it around

953. - or put it over my shoulders? - Tie it around your waist.

954. - Ready to slide? - Thanks.

955. Let's go.

956. The band was kicking and Christian was the hottest guy there.

957. But my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.

958. - Hi. - Hi.

959. When I see a beautiful girl, I think we were born to move.

960. What?

961. Look! Josh is dancing with Tai! He never dances.

962. I can see why.

963. No, he's doing her a prop so she won't be left out.

964. Oh, I dig you.

965. - How are you guys holding up? - I'm so ready to leave.

966. Tired.

967. Let's get Christian and go. Christian

968. "YOU wanna go? - Now?

969. These guys right here got the skinny on the happening after-hours.

970. My trainer's coming really early this morning.

971. - Look, I could take the girls home. - No, that's all right.

972. - No, it's fine, stay. - You sure?

973. Yeah, sure.

974. Thanks, man. You got my marker.

975. You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.

976. It was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight.

977. My pleasure.

978. Did you notice any positive changes in her?

979. Yeah.

980. Under your tutelage, she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs.

981. So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?

982. Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic.

983. It's not like he's going to sleep.

984. No. Not if they're going to finish those depos.

985. Hey, you know what would be so dope? If we got some really delicious takeout.

986. I bet they haven't eaten all night.

987. Yeah, that would be pretty dope of us.

988. Let's do it.

989. The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.

990. Meat.

991. Eat oranges, you get a lot of vitamin C. Daddy, no!

992. - You know you can't have that. - Cher, come on!

993. Don't be silly.

994. I know it sounds mental

995. but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying.

996. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.

997. Look, I'm just curious.

998. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?

999. Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.

1000. Stop it, you're making me blush.

1001. Hello.

1002. Hi, Cher, how are you?

1003. Hi, Gail.

1004. Is my son there cleaning out your refrigerator?

1005. No, he's not here.

1006. You should try the dorms.

1007. All right. Bye, hon.

1008. BYE-bye.

1009. What was that all about?

1010. She wants me to come home for spring break.

1011. What's the big deal? Nobody will be in school.

1012. Yeah, but Husband Number 4 is at home

1013. and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.

1014. So what, you're gonna roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?

1015. I don't mind.

1016. That is stupid. Why don't you just come here,

1017. you can have your old room, and there are gonna be some great parties.

1018. - No. - Why not?

1019. You got your whole social world going on. I don't want to get in the way.

1020. You won't be in the way.

1021. How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?

1022. Josh, you are not my brother.

1023. Look, you know what I mean.

1024. Come on, you need some excitement in your life.

1025. It will replenish you for your finals.

1026. - Okay. - Good.

1027. I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.

1028. Be quiet, you idiot!

1029. That's Ren and Stimpy.

1030. They are way existential.

1031. Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

1032. No. Why, do I sound like I do?

1033. Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.

1034. You can imagine my astonishment

1035. to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.

1036. Hello?

1037. He said he'd come over with some videotapes and we'd watch them.

1038. A night alone with Christian? I sent for reinforcements.

1039. De!

1040. Then De and I had to design a lighting concept.

1041. And costume decisions.

1042. I don't rely on mirrors so I always take Polaroids.

1043. Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.

1044. Oh! I'm still all red!

1045. I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher.

1046. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down. Okay, calm.

1047. You know, I am so glad I never did it

1048. with someone I had lukewarm feelings for

1049. 'cause Christian is brutally hot.

1050. And I am gonna remember tonight forever.

1051. Blot.

1052. Hi.

1053. Hi.

1054. Something burning?

1055. Oh, my God!

1056. Oh, honey, you baked.

1057. I tried.

1058. Come on. Show me the rest of your pad.

1059. Your father has a well-rounded collection.

1060. Daddy says it's a good investment.

1061. He's absolutely right. Claes Oldenburg.

1062. Oh, he's way famous.

1063. But this is older, see? Transitional.

1064. A very important piece.

1065. You want to go swimming?

1066. - Let's watch the movies. - Oh, okay.

1067. Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis

1068. so he brought over Some Like it Hot and Sparaticus.

1069. Singer of songs.

1070. For whom did you practice this wondrous talent?

1071. For the children of my master whom I also taught the classics.

1072. Classics, indeed?

1073. What position have we, I wonder, for a boy of such varied gifts?

1074. You shall be my body servant. Instruct him.

1075. All of you, come with me.

1076. My feet are cold.

1077. Thanks.

1078. Oh, watch this part. This is good.

1079. Are you okay?

1080. I'm fine.

1081. Do you want something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.

1082. No.

1083. You notice how wine makes people want to feel, like sexy?

1084. That's okay.

1085. I'm actually getting tired.

1086. But I can make you some coffee if you'd like.

1087. Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.

1088. You had all those cappuccinos before.

1089. Well, you know, that was, like, foam.

1090. You're great. We're friends, right?

1091. Knock me a little kiss.

1092. I'll see you.

1093. I don't get it. Did my hair get flat?

1094. Did I stumble into some bad lighting?

1095. What's wrong with me?

1096. Nothing! Maybe he really was tired.

1097. I suppose it wasn't meant to be. I mean, he does dress better than I do.

1098. What would I bring to the relationship?

1099. Get back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do?

1100. The first thing I do is I put on my blinker.

1101. Oh, wait, shit.

1102. - Watch the road! - All right! Stop!

1103. Then I look in my mirror.

1104. Okay. Then I glance at my blind spot.

1105. You glance with your head not the whole car!

1106. I swear to God...

1107. I swear to God, woman, you can't drive for shit!

1108. - I'm not trying to hear that. No. - Hear me! You...

1109. Actually, going all the way is like a really big decision.

1110. I can't believe I was so capricious about it.

1111. De, I almost had sex with him.

1112. You almost had sex with who?

1113. Christian.

1114. What?

1115. Look, are you bitches blind or something?

1116. - Your man Christian is a cake boy. - A what?

1117. He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading,

1118. Streisand ticket-holding, friend of Dorothy.

1119. You know what I'm saying?

1120. - No way. - He's gay.

1121. - Not even. - Yes, even.

1122. He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

1123. Oh, my God, I am totally bugging.

1124. I feel like such a bonehead.

1125. What the hell? You're getting on the freeway!

1126. - What? - No, turn right! Get out of the lane!

1127. No! Forget procedure, just get out of the lane!

1128. A truck!

1129. We're on the freeway!

1130. What do I do, Murray?

1131. Just go straight! Go straight! Go!

1132. Oh, shit!

1133. Just relax and drive, baby. Just relax and drive.

1134. Okay.

1135. I'm here with you.

1136. Shut up!

1137. Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel at all times!

1138. Oh, my God!

1139. Just go!

1140. - Turn to the right! - Okay.

1141. Oh, there it is. All right, we're off.

1142. You did wonderful.

1143. - It's all right, baby. Relax. - You did it, De.

1144. Honey, relax. Baby, relax.

1145. Breathe, breathe in. Breathe and let it out.

1146. Breathe, honey, breathe. Relax.

1147. Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is.

1148. After that, Dionne's virginity went from "technical" to "nonexistent"

1149. and I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own.

1150. Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang outwith,

1151. he was becoming one of my favorite shopping partners.

1152. The black one was, but so is the red.

1153. Where's Tai?

1154. She met some random guys at the Foot Locker

1155. and escorted them right over there.

1156. Oh, my God, did you?

1157. I don't know where she meets these Barneys.

1158. - I have a question, all right? - What?

1159. The jacket, is it James Dean or Jason Priestley?

1160. Carpe diem, okay? You looked hot in it.

1161. Really?

1162. - If I fall... - Don't worry.

1163. - ... would you guys catch me? - Yeah!

1164. Could they please be more generic?

1165. Stop it! Please!

1166. Put me back up! Please put me back!

1167. Put me down!

1168. Thank you.

1169. - You asshole! - Hey, man, we're just joking.

1170. Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.

1171. - Oh, my God. - It's okay.

1172. Cher, you don't understand, I was sitting there

1173. and I was talking to those guys and all of a sudden

1174. we were laughing and they were...

1175. - Hey, you okay? - Yeah.

1176. - You sure? - I'm fine.

1177. - Let's get you home for some R and R. - What's that?

1178. Boy, considering how clueless she was

1179. Tai certainly had that damsel in distress act down.

1180. Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about

1181. Tai's brush with death at the mall.

1182. Was it like a montage of all the scenes in your life?

1183. Not exactly a montage.

1184. Cher, is it true some gang members tried to shoot Tai in the mall?

1185. No.

1186. Well, that's what everyone is saying.

1187. Whatever.

1188. When I was 9, I fell off this jungle gym.

1189. That G-spot that they talk about in Cosmo...

1190. Wait, move down for Cher.

1191. Hi.

1192. Tell me more.

1193. Where was I?

1194. You were thinking about what was really important.

1195. Right.

1196. Okay, right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear.

1197. It's a very intense spiritual feeling...

1198. I know when I was held at gunpoint...

1199. - Excuse me. You were saying? - It's spiritual.

1200. I don't know, I can't pinpoint the spirituality of it for you

1201. if you've never experienced anything quite...

1202. Tai, I was planning on going to Tower and getting something for Christian.

1203. You know, like some kind of present or something. You want to come?

1204. Sure. I mean, I owe him my life.

1205. So I'll get you after school.

1206. Yeah. You know, not today, I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.

1207. We're going to Melrose.

1208. How about tomorrow?

1209. Do you think we could do it next Monday?

1210. I mean my week's filling up pretty fast here.

1211. So when we got back from the IHOP it was 8:00.

1212. Oh, swoon. Here comes your boyfriend.

1213. Hey, Tai, check it out.

1214. Could you shove down a little bit?

1215. No.

1216. Hello, don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?

1217. Tai.

1218. - Well, so anyway... - What?

1219. Have you ever done it in water?

1220. - Oh, yeah. - Really?

1221. Does the sponge work in water?

1222. What was happening?

1223. Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?

1224. Tai being the most popular girl in school?

1225. It was like some sort of alternate universe.

1226. On top of everything else, I was going to take the driving test.

1227. So I had to find my most responsible-looking ensemble.

1228. Where's my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal?

1229. - Lucy, where's my shirt? - Probably at the cleaner.

1230. But today's the driving test. It's my most capable-looking outfit.

1231. Okay, I call them.

1232. It's too late now.

1233. We got another notice from the fire department

1234. saying we have to clear out the bush.

1235. You said you were gonna get José to do it.

1236. He's your gardener, why you don't tell him?

1237. Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

1238. I not a Mexican!

1239. - Great. What was that all about? - Lucy's from El Salvador.

1240. So?

1241. It's an entirely different country.

1242. What does that matter?

1243. You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.

1244. Okay. So everything is all my fault. I'm always wrong, right?

1245. You're such a brat.

1246. I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness.

1247. Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me.

1248. Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.

1249. Move into the right lane.

1250. Anyway, why should I care what Josh thinks?

1251. Why was I letting it throw me into such turmoil?

1252. - Watch out for the bike rider! - Hey!

1253. Oops, my bad.

1254. What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes.

1255. Get in the right lane.

1256. Not so close!

1257. Should I write them a note?

1258. Pull over up here and turn off the engine.

1259. Yeah, right there.

1260. Are you gonna take me somewhere to make left-hand turns?

1261. We're going back to the DMV.

1262. - It's over? - It's over.

1263. - Well, how did I do? - How'd you do?

1264. Well, let's see, shall we?

1265. You can't park. You can't switch lanes.

1266. You can't make right-hand turns. You've damaged private property

1267. and you almost killed someone.

1268. Offhand, I'd say you failed.

1269. Failed?

1270. Well, can't we just start over?

1271. I'm kind of having a personal problem.

1272. My mind was somewhere else.

1273. You saw how that biker came out of nowhere, right?

1274. I swear I'll concentrate.

1275. I drive really good usually.

1276. Isn't there somebody else I can talk to? A supervisor or something?

1277. You can't be the absolute and final word in drivers' licenses.

1278. Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.

1279. Now get out of the car.

1280. I can't believe I failed.

1281. I failed something I couldn't talk my way out of?

1282. All right. Put your legs into me. Thank you.

1283. Okay.

1284. - Hey.- - Hey.-

1285. - You're home. - How does it feel to have a license?

1286. I wouldn't know. I failed.

1287. Oh. Bummer.

1288. And, Josh, spare me your lectures

1289. on how driving is such a big responsibility

1290. you can't B.S. your way through it, okay?

1291. I didn't say anything.

1292. I know what you're thinking.

1293. I got to tell you something.

1294. I'm really sorry about your test and all.

1295. I'm so glad you're here.

1296. There's something I got to do and I need you here with me while I do it.

1297. - Does this thing work? - Yeah. Sure.

1298. What is this stuff?

1299. This is a bunch of junk that reminded me of Elton.

1300. But I want to burn it because I am so over him.

1301. - Well, what stuff? - All right.

1302. Do you remember when we were at the Val party

1303. and the clog knocked me out and Elton got a towel of ice to cure me?

1304. Yeah.

1305. I didn't tell you at the time, but I took the towel home as a souvenir.

1306. - You're kidding. - No.

1307. And then, do you remember that song that was playing when we danced?

1308. Remember that'? You know, the Rolling with the Homies?

1309. Anyways, I got the tape, right? I listened to it like every single night.

1310. Don't burn that. Okay.

1311. Tai, I'm really happy for you

1312. but what brought on this surge of empowerment?

1313. It's like

1314. I met this guy who's so totally amazing

1315. that he makes Elton look like a loser.

1316. That is so great.

1317. Look, you've got to help me get Josh.

1318. Get Josh what?

1319. You know what I mean.

1320. I like him.

1321. Do you think that he likes you?

1322. Yeah.

1323. How do you know?

1324. Like little things, you know?

1325. He always... He finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me.

1326. Do you remember the time at the frat when I was totally depressed

1327. and he asked me to dance with him and he was really flirty?

1328. You Okay?

1329. Yeah.

1330. Actually, I was really bad today.

1331. I had two mochaccinos. I feel like ralphing.

1332. I know exactly how that feels.

1333. Like, the other day, I was talking to Josh

1334. and we were discussing the difference

1335. between high-school girls and college girls.

1336. College girls wear less makeup on their face

1337. and that's why guys like them more.

1338. But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh?

1339. I mean, he's like a school nerd.

1340. What, am I some sort of a mentally challenged airhead?

1341. No, not even. I didn't say that.

1342. What, I'm not good enough for Josh or something?

1343. I just don't think you'd

1344. mesh well together.

1345. You don't think that we mesh well?

1346. Why am I even listening to you to begin with?

1347. You're a virgin who can't drive.

1348. That was way harsh, Tai.

1349. All right. Look, I'm really sorry.

1350. Let's just talk when we've mellowed, all right? I'm Audi.

1351. What did I do?

1352. I've created some sort of a monster.

1353. I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat.

1354. I had to get out.

1355. Everything I think and everything I do is wrong.

1356. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian...

1357. now Josh hated me.

1358. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion:

1359. I was just totally clueless.

1360. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything.

1361. I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal.

1362. I don't begrudge her a boyfriend. I really...

1363. I wonder if they have that in my size.

1364. What does she want with Josh anyway?

1365. He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock

1366. he's not even cute in a conventional way.

1367. I mean, he's just like this slug

1368. who hangs around the house all the time.

1369. And he's a hideous dancer.

1370. Couldn't take him anywhere.

1371. Wait a second, what am I stressing about?

1372. This is, like, Josh.

1373. Okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin.

1374. But what would he want with Tai?

1375. She couldn't make him happy.

1376. Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him.

1377. Someone to laugh at his jokes, in case he ever makes any.

1378. Then suddenly...

1379. Oh, my God!

1380. I love Josh.

1381. I am majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh!

1382. But now I don't know how to act around him.

1383. Ordinarily, I'd strut around him in my cutest little outfits

1384. and send myself flowers and candy

1385. but I couldn't do that Stuff With Josh.

1386. - What's with you? - What do you mean?

1387. You're so quiet.

1388. Haven't made me watch The Real World.

1389. I care about the news.

1390. - Since when? - Since now.

1391. retaliation for recent government successes in central Bosnia.

1392. You look confused.

1393. Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

1394. - Cher, get in here. - What's up, Daddy?

1395. What are you doing dancing in front of my office?

1396. Nothing. I just wanted to see if you need any help with anything.

1397. Yeah, you could help me with something.

1398. Come over here.

1399. All right.

1400. Every time that you see a telephone conversation

1401. that took place on September 3, highlight it.

1402. - Just September 3. - Okay.

1403. It's fun?

1404. Yeah.

1405. Okay.

1406. Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?

1407. Tell me the problem and we'll figure out how to argue it.

1408. - I like this boy... - Yes?

1409. and he likes someone else.

1410. - How could that be? - I don't know, but I feel wretched.

1411. Obviously this boy is a complete moron.

1412. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills.

1413. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fellow like that.

1414. Actually he is a smart guy

1415. and, you know, he's one of those do-gooder types

1416. and now I feel like all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.

1417. How can you say that?

1418. Who takes care of everyone in this household?

1419. Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?

1420. To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good doing

1421. since your mother.

1422. - Really? - Really.

1423. Now get back to work.

1424. Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster

1425. I decided I needed a complete makeover.

1426. Except this time I'd make over my soul.

1427. But what makes somebody a better person?

1428. And then I realized all my friends were really good in different ways.

1429. Like Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting.

1430. Or Dionne and Murray,

1431. when they think no one is watching, are so considerate of each other.

1432. And poor Miss Geist

1433. always trying to get us involved, no matter how much we resist.

1434. on, this is just...

1435. That doesn't even show, every single possession, every memory

1436. everything you've had your whole life, gone in a second.

1437. Can you imagine what that must feel like?

1438. - Elton? - Can I use the pass?

1439. Yeah.

1440. We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers,

1441. canned goods.

1442. Miss Geist?

1443. - Cher? - I want to help.

1444. That would be wonderful.

1445. I felt better already.

1446. - Daddy? - What?

1447. You didn't like that red caviar, did you?

1448. What's she talking about?

1449. Cher, what are you doing?

1450. I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.

1451. I don't think they need your skis.

1452. Daddy, some people lost all their belongings.

1453. Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?

1454. This is your influence, Josh?

1455. Hey, come here, sign up.

1456. It's gonna be really fun.

1457. And these beans, it's so great.

1458. - Shall I leave the blanket here? - No.

1459. Could you please bring it to bedding?

1460. - Sure. - Yes, thank you very much.

1461. Miss Geist, I need more boxes, they're all filled up.

1462. Already? Great!

1463. I divided them into entrées and appetizers.

1464. Okay. I'll have them picked up.

1465. Okay.

1466. - Hey. - Proper.

1467. This is really decent of you, Travis.

1468. Sure.

1469. I wasn't sure about that.

1470. I don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else.

1471. I wanted to tell you something.

1472. - I'm sorry about your shoes. - What shoes?

1473. The red ones with the strappy thing.

1474. Those are so last season. What even made you think of them?

1475. It's one of my steps. See, I joined this club

1476. and they have all these steps. There's like...

1477. Twelve?

1478. Yeah, 12. How'd you know?

1479. Wild guess.

1480. Wow, that's a good guess. Also, here.

1481. ASL?

1482. Amateur Skateboarding League.

1483. This clarity thing, it's brought me to a whole new level and my skating is...

1484. You got to see it. Would you come Saturday?

1485. Sure.

1486. Cool.

1487. Well, I guess, kitchenware?

1488. That's where I used to keep it.

1489. - Hi. - Hi.

1490. Cher, can I talk to you a minute?

1491. Sure.

1492. I have been in agony the past week

1493. and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did.

1494. No, I have been going down a shame spiral.

1495. I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings for Josh.

1496. No, you are entitled to your own opinion, all right?

1497. I'm the tard here.

1498. Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.

1499. Not even. If it wasn't for me

1500. you wouldn't even have liked that loser, Elton.

1501. I'm so sorry, Tai.

1502. Cher, I'm really sorry.

1503. Oh, shit, now I'm gonna go ahead and cry.

1504. - Let's never fight again, okay? - Oh, totally.

1505. Next up, Number 14, Travis Birkenstock.

1506. There he is, he waved to you.

1507. All right, Travis!

1508. I had no idea he was so motivated.

1509. Oh, I did.

1510. When I saw the sparks between Tai and Travis

1511. I knew Josh was out of the picture.

1512. You look like Pippi Longstocking.

1513. You look like Forrest Gump.

1514. Who's Pippi Longstocking?

1515. Someone Mel Gibson never played.

1516. You're funny.

1517. What happened to the August 28 files?

1518. What?

1519. Mel wanted them tonight. There were twice as many.

1520. He's gonna go ballistic. Where are they?

1521. I think I checked them for the September 3 conversations.

1522. - What? - Where'd you put them?

1523. I divided them into two piles.

1524. Is that wrong?

1525. My God! I have to redo all that. What are you, some kind of idiot?

1526. Hey, she didn't know.

1527. She just set us back a day.

1528. Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed.

1529. I'm sorry.

1530. Just forget it, okay?

1531. Just go back to the mall or something.

1532. What's your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm.

1533. I'm gonna get killed, 'cause she's a moron.

1534. She's not a moron.

1535. If you were paying attention, it wouldn't have happened.

1536. If you hadn't been playing footsie with the dumb kid

1537. she wouldn't be bothering.

1538. What the hell are you talking about?

1539. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

1540. This is a multi-million dollar lawsuit, not some excuse for puppy love.

1541. We've been working our butts off on this case.

1542. I'll tell you what,

1543. you do whatever you want with your butts. I'm calling in sick.

1544. Did I really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?

1545. No.

1546. Of course not.

1547. Did I set him back?

1548. There's so much work to be done and he can't afford to lose that time.

1549. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

1550. Your father won't lose any time.

1551. Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?

1552. I mean, making you worry like that.

1553. He's the one that screwed up, and then he goes and blames us.

1554. I mean, imagine saying we were...

1555. you know.

1556. That's right. You've been very dedicated to this case.

1557. Yeah, it was a good learning experience, at least for me.

1558. I want to be a lawyer.

1559. But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this.

1560. Go out and have fun. Go shopping.

1561. You think that's all I do? I'm just a ditz with a credit card?

1562. No, that's not what I meant.

1563. It's...

1564. You're young and beautiful

1565. and...

1566. And?

1567. And, well, what?

1568. You think I'm beautiful?

1569. You know...

1570. You know you're gorgeous, all right?

1571. And popular and...

1572. But this is not why I, you know, I come here.

1573. This is a good learning experience for me.

1574. You already said that.

1575. Mel. I want to help out Mel.

1576. He's the only one who cares about me.

1577. That's not true.

1578. He's not?

1579. No.

1580. Are you saying you care about me?

1581. Josh“.

1582. Well, you can guess what happened next.

1583. Therefore...

1584. As if! I am only 16...

1585. and this is California not Kentucky!

1586. You may kiss the bride.

1587. I know that when I have my own wedding,

1588. I want this, like, this whole entire floral motif,

1589. like very floral garlands...

1590. No. When I get married, I'm gonna have a sailor dress

1591. but it's gonna be a gown.

1592. All my bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats.

1593. - That sounds so cool. - With veils.

1594. My God, they're planning our weddings already.

1595. Could you all stop all that "till death do us part" mumbo-jumbo?

1596. - I'm telling you, I'm completely bugging. - Jeez, I'm bugging myself.

1597. Girls, she's about to throw the bouquet. Come on!

1598. We got a pool going to see whose girl gets the bouquet.

1599. It's up to $200.

1600. It's in the bag.

1601. All right, come on, girls.

1602. Over here!

1603. I got it!