1. What was going on there, huh?Copy !req
2. We thought
you were sleeping, Daddy.Copy !req
3. How can I sleep with two
Twinkie burglars roaming around?Copy !req
4. Can we watch
Dragon Tales, please?Copy !req
5. Yeah. Why not, why not?Copy !req
6. Which one of these
turns on the TV?Copy !req
7. Honey, I think you
just opened the garage.Copy !req
8. I'm just planning ahead. I know.Copy !req
9. - P-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug?
- Good 'gob.Copy !req
10. Whatever happened
to the good old days...Copy !req
11. when you pulled the knob
and on came the boob tube?Copy !req
12. The O'Doyles got
a universal remote control.Copy !req
13. One clicker controls everything.Copy !req
14. Makes life a lot easier
for old people like you.Copy !req
15. Well, whoop-de-do
for the O'Doyles.Copy !req
16. —Tree house?Copy !req
17. I don't know. Ask your father.Copy !req
18. Ask me what?Copy !req
19. Do you think you'll have time
to finish building the tree house ever?Copy !req
20. Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been
halfway done for two months now.Copy !req
21. All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot
of things going on at work right now.Copy !req
22. But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it.
I promise. Hang in there.Copy !req
23. Hey, look at Sundance
wrestle his duck.Copy !req
24. Oh, no, that's not wrestling.Copy !req
25. That's something you shouldn't
know about for another 10 to 30 years.Copy !req
26. Ten for you. Thirty for you.Copy !req
27. Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight
at the swim meet?Copy !req
28. Swim meet.Copy !req
29. - I gotta go to that?
- Yes.Copy !req
30. - I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay?
- All right. I love you, Michael.Copy !req
31. Forever and ever, babe.Copy !req
32. Mr. Newman.Copy !req
33. Kevin O'Doyle.
Yeah. Always a pleasure.Copy !req
34. What kind of stereo you got
in that blue piece of shit?Copy !req
35. You know what?
I never checked, Kevin.Copy !req
36. Yeah, well, my father's stereo
is a Bose.Copy !req
37. Your father's stereo blows?
That's too bad.Copy !req
38. No! I said— That's not what I said!Copy !req
39. His father's stereo blows!Copy !req
40. Come on! Pay the man, let's go!Copy !req
41. - Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Good morning.Copy !req
42. - Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hello.Copy !req
43. - Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hi.Copy !req
44. Good morning, Mr. Newman.Copy !req
45. - Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Man, Alice...Copy !req
46. I was stuck in traffic for an hour
and a half. When's the meeting?Copy !req
47. - It started already.
- What?Copy !req
48. Can I go to the bathroom?Copy !req
49. Go to the bathroom.
I told you, you don't have to ask me.Copy !req
50. Well, the interesting thing,
Prince Habeeboo...Copy !req
51. is that the building codes
in Manhattan will allow us—Copy !req
52. - Michael.
- Sorry I'm late, sir.Copy !req
53. Some moron in a red Lamborghini
parked in my spot so—Copy !req
54. Prince Habeeboo
drive red Lamborghini.Copy !req
55. Red Lamborghini?
I meant blue Ferrari.Copy !req
56. Is this one of your partners?Copy !req
57. Actually, Michael
is just an associate.Copy !req
58. But he is one of our brightest
young architects.Copy !req
59. Thank you.Copy !req
60. Walk His Majesty
through our design concept.Copy !req
61. With pleasure.Copy !req
62. - Prince Haboobee—
- Habeeboo!Copy !req
63. Prince Habeeboo.Copy !req
64. Habeeboo. I thought I said that.Copy !req
65. When Mr. Ammer explained to me
the type of man you are...Copy !req
66. a visionary who prides himself
on originality...Copy !req
67. I said to myself, "Let's smash
the mold and redefine elegance."Copy !req
68. So I present to you your restaurant.Copy !req
69. Where is— Where's bar?Copy !req
70. Bar is— Here's the bar.
Now, the waterfall—Copy !req
71. Make bar longer.Copy !req
72. Okay. We could cut
into the atrium a little bit.Copy !req
73. No atrium. Just make bar longer
for Prince Habeeboo.Copy !req
74. Really?Copy !req
75. - Still itchy?
- You got it.Copy !req
76. And put big drain in floor
for wet T-shirt contest.Copy !req
77. Now, you're kidding me, right?Copy !req
78. Boob water's gotta
go someplace, Michael.Copy !req
79. Let's just take out the atrium and
run with that and there's your drain.Copy !req
80. - God.
- I love it. It is simply awesome.Copy !req
81. Yeah. Basically you want me to design
you an Arabian hoochie house?Copy !req
82. How dare you compare
Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut...Copy !req
83. - ... to this hoochie house?
- This idea's...Copy !req
84. got nothing to do
with hoochies, Michael.Copy !req
85. It's like opposite of hoochie.Copy !req
86. No disrespect,
Prince Hubbida Hubbida.Copy !req
87. - Hubba Bubba.
- Habeeboo!Copy !req
88. Habeeboo!
Hubba Bubba is chewing gum.Copy !req
89. Prince Habeeboo's
not chewing gum.Copy !req
90. Prince Habeeboo, we will—
I will make this happen.Copy !req
91. John Ammer's office.Copy !req
92. I hope that atrium idea didn't take
too long to configure, Michael.Copy !req
93. Oh, there'll be other Junes
in my life, sir.Copy !req
94. See that parking garage
over there on 56?Copy !req
95. Watsuhita wants to knock it down
and build a luxury hotel.Copy !req
96. - You got the commission?
- Not yet.Copy !req
97. I just need someone to come up
with a design proposal. Intrigued?Copy !req
98. Hell, yes.Copy !req
99. I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids.
When I get back, I'm all over it.Copy !req
100. Great. Have a great Fourth of July
with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it.Copy !req
101. No, no. Absolutely not.
I— I— Can't it just wait three days?Copy !req
102. These guys are Japanese.
They can't wait for their fish to cook.Copy !req
103. I guess I could talk to my wife.Copy !req
104. Great. See you later at happy hour
with Prince Habadabee.Copy !req
105. My son has a swim meet tonight
that I have to get to s—Copy !req
106. I'm just messing with you.
We're good.Copy !req
107. Yeah, Ben!Copy !req
108. That's my boy! That's my boy!
Kid, you were great!Copy !req
109. You're not my dad.Copy !req
110. - As far as you know.
- What?Copy !req
111. I was just joking.Copy !req
112. Is he really my dad?Copy !req
113. Come on, come on! Yes, Ben.
Yes, you did it!Copy !req
114. Honey, you were so great.Copy !req
115. Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin
or something? That was incredible.Copy !req
116. You just got here, Dad. I saw you.Copy !req
117. What do you mean I just got here?
Why are you saying that?Copy !req
118. I saw you. You jumped in there,
you swam here.Copy !req
119. - Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
- He was doing the shut-up.Copy !req
120. Hey. Good thing is,
Daddy was here to see you finish.Copy !req
121. He didn't see me finish.Copy !req
122. He was hanging out
with Ping Woo for some reason.Copy !req
123. - Yeah, what was that about, huh?
- The kid was drowning.Copy !req
124. I'm gonna let him drown?Copy !req
125. Nobody goes drowning in my pool.Copy !req
126. How you doing? Bill Herlihy.
Ben's coach. You must be Dad.Copy !req
127. Michael Speedo—
Michael Newman. Sorry.Copy !req
128. Big Ben, that was great progress
out there, huh?Copy !req
129. Just remember, right arm out,
head turns left. Left arm out—Copy !req
130. Head turns right. I know.
I just forgot at the end.Copy !req
131. Well, that's all right.Copy !req
132. You master that, people are gonna
think you're half a dolphin out there.Copy !req
133. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
134. Cute.Copy !req
135. Hello? Mr. Ammer.Copy !req
136. Ben, honey, slow down.
It's not a race.Copy !req
137. That's his second one
in five minutes.Copy !req
138. Keeps eating more and more.Copy !req
139. He's like a machine.
He can't still be hungry.Copy !req
140. He's not. He's just doing whatever
Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy.Copy !req
141. Everything Michael's been doing lately
is very unhealthy for him.Copy !req
142. He's gonna kill himself.Copy !req
143. Like a signature building
we're talking about.Copy !req
144. Oh, my God.Copy !req
145. Scared the crap out of me.Copy !req
146. Dad, how much longer
are you gonna live?Copy !req
147. - One minute.
- One minute?Copy !req
148. - Daddy's gonna die in one minute!
- Oh, no, honey.Copy !req
149. Don't worry. I'm not dying.Copy !req
150. I'm gonna live for 200 years.
Is that long enough for you and me?Copy !req
151. - Promise?
- I promise. Swear. Come here.Copy !req
152. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
153. Hey! There are families here!Copy !req
154. Show some respect,
you pieces of shit!Copy !req
155. Go home and watch VH1, old man.Copy !req
156. Don't light another damn one!Copy !req
157. Benjamin. Benjamin.
What am I holding?Copy !req
158. A quarter. Now, Grandma
does not let me eat ice cream...Copy !req
159. - ... because of my diabetes.
- True.Copy !req
160. But she says nothing, however,
about a tasty quarter.Copy !req
161. Okay.Copy !req
162. All right. All right.Copy !req
163. Very quickly, please, count to three
because it tastes terrible.Copy !req
164. One, two, three.Copy !req
165. Are you shitting me?Copy !req
166. First he's eating like his father,
now you're talking like him?Copy !req
167. - Ben.
- Don't you ever say that again.Copy !req
168. - Sorry, Grandma.
- How do you do that, Grandpa?Copy !req
169. A good magician
never reveals his secrets.Copy !req
170. Your daddy has wanted to know
how I've done that trick...Copy !req
171. since he was your age.Copy !req
172. Isn't that true, son?Copy !req
173. Hey, Michael.
Michael, who are you talking to?Copy !req
174. Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma.
Take it easy.Copy !req
175. Oh, yeah?
Well, tell him to get a life.Copy !req
176. You got family here.
You're busy. Come on.Copy !req
177. My mother says hello.Copy !req
178. Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he?Copy !req
179. On his big cell phone. Big boy.Copy !req
180. That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you,
Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.Copy !req
181. - Are you done? Can we relax now?
- Sorry.Copy !req
182. Eat me, grandpa!Copy !req
183. You're dead.Copy !req
184. - Oh, shit!
- Yeah, you better run!Copy !req
185. I kicked your father's ass
in high school!Copy !req
186. Now I'm gonna kick yours!Copy !req
187. I hate that man.Copy !req
188. Okay, good night, you two cowboys.Copy !req
189. - Reach for the sky, Pocahontas.
- No, back to bed.Copy !req
190. Come on. Pocahontas is off duty.
I'm out of here.Copy !req
191. You getting sick, sheriff?Copy !req
192. I don't got time to be sick, so no.Copy !req
193. I need to watch this documentary
on Asian architecture.Copy !req
194. Well, you gotta get some rest
sometime, sweetheart.Copy !req
195. Besides, the woodland creatures
will laugh at you...Copy !req
196. if you collapse trying
to put up the tent this weekend.Copy !req
197. Yeah. I forgot to tell you.Copy !req
198. We gotta postpone
the camping trip.Copy !req
199. Ammer put me on a project.Copy !req
200. It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish,
I'm off it, so...Copy !req
201. The kids have been talking
about camping all year.Copy !req
202. Think I don't know that?Copy !req
203. It's just every choice I make,
everything I do...Copy !req
204. I disappoint somebody.Copy !req
205. Make sure you don't keep
disappointing the wrong people.Copy !req
206. I'm not out drinking or gambling
or hitting on chicks.Copy !req
207. I'm working my ass off
so my family can have a better life...Copy !req
208. than I dreamed of
when I was a kid.Copy !req
209. The only way for that to happen
is for me to watch this stinking show!Copy !req
210. So relax, hon.Copy !req
211. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
212. Will you give me a break one time?Copy !req
213. Damn it! The O'Doyles got
a stinking universal remote control.Copy !req
214. We're gonna have one too.Copy !req
215. I'm sick of this.Copy !req
216. You want me to open
the garage for you?Copy !req
217. Closed.Copy !req
218. Closed.Copy !req
219. Open.Copy !req
220. Bed Bath & Beyond it is.Copy !req
221. Hey, man?Copy !req
222. You guys got any universal
remote controls in there?Copy !req
223. - For a shower curtain or a bathmat?
- For a television.Copy !req
224. I don't think so.
Maybe for a blanket?Copy !req
225. You got a remote for a blanket?Copy !req
226. Sorry, I don't work here.
I'm waiting for my friends.Copy !req
227. You're kidding me.Copy !req
228. Actually, yes. I don't have any friends.
Will you be my friend?Copy !req
229. Wow, man.Copy !req
230. Bed. Bed.Copy !req
231. Bath. Bath.Copy !req
232. Bed.Copy !req
233. So tired of my life.Copy !req
234. Beyond?Copy !req
235. Sorry to sneak up on you. I just—Copy !req
236. You guys got a universal
remote control back here?Copy !req
237. Something stinks
like stale french fries.Copy !req
238. All right, that's probably me.Copy !req
239. You know, fast food
shortens your life.Copy !req
240. Yeah, that's what I heard.Copy !req
241. But the way my life's been going
lately, that ain't such a bad thing.Copy !req
242. You're looking
for a universal remote control?Copy !req
243. Yeah. Just one device
to do it all for me...Copy !req
244. make my life a little easier,
quicker, not so damn complicated.Copy !req
245. I'm not supposed to do this,
but you seem like a good guy.Copy !req
246. Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.Copy !req
247. I'm gonna show you a remote
we just got in...Copy !req
248. that's probably the most advanced
piece of technology...Copy !req
249. we have in this place.Copy !req
250. - Sounds sweet.
- It is sweet.Copy !req
251. The latest, greatest universal remote
not even on the market yet.Copy !req
252. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite
my advanced-technological ass then.Copy !req
253. I don't know the O'Doyles...Copy !req
254. but they can bite it hard.Copy !req
255. Yeah.Copy !req
256. Come in the back with me.Copy !req
257. Okay.Copy !req
258. This is— This is very nice of you.Copy !req
259. - What's your name, anyways?
- Call me Morty.Copy !req
260. Morty, I'm Michael Newman.Copy !req
261. Michael Newman.Copy !req
262. I'm about to rook your world.Copy !req
263. Okay.Copy !req
264. I gotta be honest with you. This place
looks bigger from the outside.Copy !req
265. Just kidding.Copy !req
266. Hey, hey.Copy !req
267. I think maybe there in the middle?Copy !req
268. Sneaky.Copy !req
269. Where's the box?
Does it come with directions?Copy !req
270. Not necessary.Copy !req
271. Just point, click.Copy !req
272. Eventually, it will program itself.Copy !req
273. How much is this thing?Copy !req
274. Because I ain't exactly
Thurston Howell, you know?Copy !req
275. Lucky for you, it's not
in the bar-code system yet.Copy !req
276. So I'm gonna have
to just give it to you.Copy !req
277. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the catch here, man?Copy !req
278. Want me to take my shirt off for you?
Because I don't play for that team.Copy !req
279. Hey. Man, get out of here.Copy !req
280. Why are you doing this, then?Copy !req
281. Because good guys need a break
every once in a while.Copy !req
282. Take it.Copy !req
283. Enjoy.Copy !req
284. All right.Copy !req
285. Only one thing
you need to know, Michael.Copy !req
286. This item is nonreturnable.Copy !req
287. Why would I wanna return something
I got for free?Copy !req
288. Twinkie. You don't need it.
You don't need it, man.Copy !req
289. You do need a Yodel, though.
Okay. Good job.Copy !req
290. Let's see what you got, mate.Copy !req
291. Look at me, turning my own TV on.
I'm a freaking whiz kid.Copy !req
292. —Residential architecture...Copy !req
293. - So I talked to the kids.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
294. They're very understanding about
not going camping this weekend.Copy !req
295. - Great.
- They could have a sleepover instead.Copy !req
296. That's a great idea.
Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
297. Thanks for being
so cool about this too.Copy !req
298. - Can I ask you something?
- Yes.Copy !req
299. After you do all this work and become
a big player at your company...Copy !req
300. do you think you're gonna
have more time for us...Copy !req
301. or are things just gonna get
even more out of control?Copy !req
302. Wait. When I get to that place
and become a boss...Copy !req
303. a millionaire, a big shot,
the first thing I'm gonna do...Copy !req
304. is hire a bunch of idiots just like me
to do all my work.Copy !req
305. So then you, me and the kids
can do whatever the hell we want.Copy !req
306. You just gotta give me some time.Copy !req
307. Don't give me that look.Copy !req
308. I'm just saying, give me some support.
All right?Copy !req
309. I love you. Go to sleep.Copy !req
310. - Just think about it, Michael.
- Absolutely.Copy !req
311. And stop with the Yodels.Copy !req
312. - You're gonna wake up 400 pounds.
- Okay.Copy !req
313. Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude.
Everybody's sleeping.Copy !req
314. You gotta poop again?Copy !req
315. Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy
on the duck, okay?Copy !req
316. Will you just hold it in for five minutes
and keep the freaking volume down?Copy !req
317. I guess when you combine...Copy !req
318. mass quantities of cough syrup
with Yodels...Copy !req
319. you get acid.Copy !req
320. Go.Copy !req
321. Hey, you said you gotta go.
Go already, man.Copy !req
322. Sniffy Longdroppings, today.Copy !req
323. Holy motherfu—!Copy !req
324. Yeah, I mean, you're right.
In the short run...Copy !req
325. plastic surgery is a hassle.Copy !req
326. But six months later...Copy !req
327. I'm gonna have a face
and a body...Copy !req
328. that's gonna get me to places
where I wanna be.Copy !req
329. Oh, my mother, typical,
you know, she says:Copy !req
330. "Oh, this procedure is too risky."Copy !req
331. If Samantha wanted her cheekbones
shaved down, I think I'd freak out too.Copy !req
332. I know, but I just think, you know,
they're too Slavic.Copy !req
333. You should get some work done.Copy !req
334. Then maybe Michael
will wanna hang out with you too.Copy !req
335. Morning, Michael.
You're looking very crappy today.Copy !req
336. Morning, Janine,
you're looking very Slavic.Copy !req
337. You're just jealous because Donna
and I are going to the gym...Copy !req
338. and all the guys
are gonna be hitting on us.Copy !req
339. Michael knows
he's my one and only.Copy !req
340. Forever and ever, babe.Copy !req
341. Sorry about last night.
And I love you. I'm s—Copy !req
342. Oh, my God. I want that so bad.Copy !req
343. A husband that I can kiss and love
and give juice to.Copy !req
344. You've already cheated on three
different husbands with their brothers.Copy !req
345. I think you've given enough juice
to everybody.Copy !req
346. Love juice.Copy !req
347. You know way too much about me.Copy !req
348. I should never have done
that Montel Williams show.Copy !req
349. Even Montel Williams
thinks you're crazy...Copy !req
350. and he's seen a lot of shit.Copy !req
351. I was desperate for companionship!Copy !req
352. All of my husbands...Copy !req
353. All of them
have emotionally abandoned me.Copy !req
354. They went to work. You had sex
with their unemployed brothers.Copy !req
355. - You're a horndog.
- Michael.Copy !req
356. - Okay, sweetie. Calm it down.
- No, no!Copy !req
357. I have had self-esteem issues
since I was a kid.Copy !req
358. I had a rabbit named Pepper.
And that rabbit abandoned me too!Copy !req
359. Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb—Copy !req
360. Don't look at me!Copy !req
361. - What's wrong with me?
- Bunny rabbit, bunny—Copy !req
362. Here's the pitch to Matsui.
A deep drive.Copy !req
363. Oh, my, it's out of here!Copy !req
364. A two-run shot into the right-field
seats for Hideki Matsui.Copy !req
365. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
366. She has so many problems.
Why do you have to be so mean?Copy !req
367. I don't know, I— Hello.Copy !req
368. I gotta go.Copy !req
369. Yeah, good RoboDog.Copy !req
370. And he can bark
in over six different languages.Copy !req
371. It's so cool.Copy !req
372. Yeah, it's much cooler
than your stupid, human dog.Copy !req
373. Hey, Dad, see Kevin's
new robot dog?Copy !req
374. Yeah, yeah. Very nice.Copy !req
375. "Very nice"? This thing
is worth more than your car.Copy !req
376. - Not anymore it ain't.
- RoboDog!Copy !req
377. Hey, hey, hey-Copy !req
378. Okay. Is this some sort
of reality show? Are you the host?Copy !req
379. Morty? Where are the cameras?Copy !req
380. Got everybody in on it, huh?
Sundance did very well also.Copy !req
381. All right, America! Have your laugh!
I'm an idiot!Copy !req
382. Donna, I'm gonna get you!Copy !req
383. Fast-forward.Copy !req
384. Nobody's laughing at you, Michael.Copy !req
385. You wanted a universal remote control
that remote-controls your universe.Copy !req
386. Yeah, but what controls
my dance skills?Copy !req
387. Oh, Morty likes it too.Copy !req
388. Michael, just hit menu.Copy !req
389. On the remote?Copy !req
390. No, the menu at the Red Lobster.
Yes, on the remote.Copy !req
391. Where are we?Copy !req
392. - Go, Michael, go!
- One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.Copy !req
393. - What have I got here?
- Two, three.Copy !req
394. Cough syrup's kicking in again.Copy !req
395. - We have a boy!
- Is it gonna work?Copy !req
396. What is this?Copy !req
397. - All right, I love you, Michael.
- Your life menu.Copy !req
398. My life has a commentary?Copy !req
399. It's chock-full of goodies.Copy !req
400. - Click it.
- Click it.Copy !req
401. This is last Tuesday.Copy !req
402. Michael was eagerly awaiting
the arrival of his lunch order.Copy !req
403. Who's that, James Earl Jones?Copy !req
404. James Earl
does a lot of voice-over work.Copy !req
405. But his anticipation
quickly turned to dismay...Copy !req
406. as he realized Alice
had brought him a cheeseburger...Copy !req
407. instead of a hamburger
as he requested.Copy !req
408. A cheeseburger?
I said a hamburger.Copy !req
409. She always does this to me.Copy !req
410. Michael considered demanding
that Alice scrape the cheese off...Copy !req
411. but decided not to...Copy !req
412. fearing that Alice may spit in...Copy !req
413. or otherwise defile
the burger in some manner.Copy !req
414. A wise decision...Copy !req
415. for that was exactly
what Alice was planning to do.Copy !req
416. - Are you kidding me?
- Sneaky.Copy !req
417. My God.Copy !req
418. What else we got here?Copy !req
419. - "Making of"?
- Just click.Copy !req
420. Hey, hey, psychedelic.
Where are we?Copy !req
421. Is this a porno or something?Copy !req
422. Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy!Copy !req
423. Is that my parents?Copy !req
424. They're making you.
Like bunny rabbits.Copy !req
425. - That's the spot.
- Smack my heinie!Copy !req
426. Change the channel!
How do you do this?Copy !req
427. I can't see.Copy !req
428. What happened? What—?Copy !req
429. The floor is so mushy and slippery.
Feels good on my feet.Copy !req
430. Check it out.
You hit the fast-forward button.Copy !req
431. I believe we're sometime
after your conception.Copy !req
432. Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman.Copy !req
433. No! We're in my mother's vagina?Copy !req
434. Again. And push.Copy !req
435. - It's a girl.
- It's a girl!Copy !req
436. - Oh, It's a girl. Thank you so much.
- Thank you for that.Copy !req
437. Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, it might be a boy.Copy !req
438. What do you mean, "might be"?
What is that?Copy !req
439. Maybe that's a penis.Copy !req
440. Maybe that's a pe—? That's a penis.
That's my penis.Copy !req
441. Can I see that?
Can you bring that a little closer?Copy !req
442. See?Copy !req
443. - That's a tiny schmeckel.
- Yeah?Copy !req
444. - We have a boy!
- We have a boy!Copy !req
445. Your mother must have
some superpower eyesight...Copy !req
446. because I didn't see anything.Copy !req
447. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
448. So if you think about it...Copy !req
449. I can re-experience
any part of my life I want to.Copy !req
450. It's amazing.Copy !req
451. What happened?
Oh, God, what did I do?Copy !req
452. Hello? How do I get you
back here, pal?Copy !req
453. Gotcha.Copy !req
454. I'm not freaked out enough?Copy !req
455. It's simple. Think of a time
and a place...Copy !req
456. hit rewind, and you're there.Copy !req
457. Time and a place. Time and a place.Copy !req
458. Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee.Copy !req
459. That's me in the Jets shirt.Copy !req
460. Go, little me, go!Copy !req
461. Good hands! Nice hands.Copy !req
462. Michael!Copy !req
463. Michael, dinner's almost ready.
Invite your friends if you want to.Copy !req
464. So any of you wanna come
by my tent for some supper?Copy !req
465. Or we could eat at my Winnebago
and watch Three's Company.Copy !req
466. Three's Company.Copy !req
467. That's humiliating.Copy !req
468. Mom, why can't we camp in an RV
like every other family?Copy !req
469. Oh, come on.
You call that camping?Copy !req
470. How can you get close to nature
in a tin can like that?Copy !req
471. Plus, it's more fun to have
to keep each other warm at night.Copy !req
472. Don't you know it.Copy !req
473. - No cupcakes yet.
- But I'm starving.Copy !req
474. I agree with you, Michael.
You know how hungry I am?Copy !req
475. I am so hungry, I could eat this.Copy !req
476. Oh, this is where
the quarter trick started.Copy !req
477. How the heck did he do that?Copy !req
478. Oh, it's a trick coin
you buy at a magic shop.Copy !req
479. I just couldn't let him know
I knew that.Copy !req
480. That's sweet.Copy !req
481. Now, I gotta get back to work,
so hit play.Copy !req
482. It's a very powerful device.
Use it with caution.Copy !req
483. Okay.Copy !req
484. Who are you?Copy !req
485. You know who I am.Copy !req
486. Morty?Copy !req
487. If you have any questions...Copy !req
488. call me.Copy !req
489. No, Linda, I think Stacy gets
the most-beautiful-feet award.Copy !req
490. You wanted to see me?Copy !req
491. Michael. Look, I'm heading out to
the Hamptons in a couple of minutes.Copy !req
492. I'm counting on you.Copy !req
493. This hotel project? It's a big fish.Copy !req
494. You reel it in for me
and it's "Howdy, partner."Copy !req
495. Okay. Thank you.Copy !req
496. Screw it up, though, and it's
"Back to the mailroom, atrium boy."Copy !req
497. Mr. Ammer, Denise just called.Copy !req
498. She's gotta go to rehab again,
so she can't make it to the Hamptons.Copy !req
499. I'm gonna be alone
on the Fourth of July?Copy !req
500. Mr. Ammer, if you need female
companionship this weekend...Copy !req
501. my wife's friend Janine, wow.Copy !req
502. Really? What's she like?Copy !req
503. Let's just say
she will eat you up, sir.Copy !req
504. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt...Copy !req
505. - ... but this is kind of important.
- Okay.Copy !req
506. - Go to the bathroom.
- Okay.Copy !req
507. Dude! You suck so bad.Copy !req
508. Do not. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
509. How you doing, buddy?
Playing some catch?Copy !req
510. Actually, we're playing some drop,
because Ben hasn't caught one yet.Copy !req
511. Darn it.Copy !req
512. You're a regular Derek Jeter
yourself, O'Doyle.Copy !req
513. - Love you, kid.
- Love you too, Dad.Copy !req
514. Mommy!Copy !req
515. No, I know. Well, I thought
she should've gotten voted off.Copy !req
516. But did you see her Kate Spade
handbag? It was gorgeous.Copy !req
517. Wait, hold on a second, Trudy.
I gotta say hi to your son.Copy !req
518. - I told your parents to come for dinner.
- Really? That sounds good.Copy !req
519. It'd be fun for them to be here
for the sleepover.Copy !req
520. Okay, so great. Yeah.Copy !req
521. We'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye-bye.Copy !req
522. It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner
with your family, sweetie.Copy !req
523. I know, I just gotta build
an entire model tonight.Copy !req
524. - I'm the leader!
- No, I'm the leader!Copy !req
525. Go say hi to Daddy. Go on.Copy !req
526. I can't take a whole night of this.Copy !req
527. - And I'm not going to.
- Q R S T U—Copy !req
528. Cool.Copy !req
529. I can skip chapters.Copy !req
530. What a family.Copy !req
531. All right, let's get dinner
over with. Next.Copy !req
532. NextCopy !req
533. Everyone's done but you, buddy.
Let's go.Copy !req
534. Will you stop already?Copy !req
535. Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick.
I can't wait not to see it.Copy !req
536. Alone in my basement at last.Copy !req
537. Should I do my work
and become partner now? I think so.Copy !req
538. Let's get to it.Copy !req
539. - Michael?
- Yo.Copy !req
540. We don't wanna interrupt.Copy !req
541. We're taking off.
Thanks for a great night.Copy !req
542. You had a fun time
hanging out with me?Copy !req
543. That was— We did good, right?Copy !req
544. - Good night, honey.
- Love you.Copy !req
545. My schmeckel got bigger now that
I'm older, just so you guys know that.Copy !req
546. It couldn't have gotten any smaller.Copy !req
547. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
548. It looked like a little Tic Tac.Copy !req
549. Yeah, come here,
I'll freshen your breath.Copy !req
550. - Bye, you guys.
- Bye, sweetie.Copy !req
551. Good night, sweetie.Copy !req
552. Great dinner, honey.Copy !req
553. See? Was that so bad?Copy !req
554. Kidding me? I had fun.Copy !req
555. Good for you. Can you watch the gang
for 10 minutes while I clean up?Copy !req
556. Can't you? I just—
I got so much stuff to do here.Copy !req
557. Oh, you got stuff to do?Copy !req
558. I got ghost stories, charades,
the dishes...Copy !req
559. and then I gotta sew the duck's head
back on for Sundance...Copy !req
560. and fix his butthole.Copy !req
561. Way to go, Champ-Copy !req
562. I wish I had time to do all that stuff.Copy !req
563. Give me a break, Michael.Copy !req
564. You're a big boy.
You set your own priorities.Copy !req
565. I'm asking for 10 minutes,
not for, like, a whole day.Copy !req
566. You don't have to do that much.Copy !req
567. How big a deal is that?
I am so tired of having this argument.Copy !req
568. I skipped the whole fight.Copy !req
569. Babe?Copy !req
570. - I can't sleep.
- You can't?Copy !req
571. I feel bad that we keep arguing.Copy !req
572. I know. Don't be upset, okay?Copy !req
573. - I was a jerk.
- You are a jerk.Copy !req
574. - I love you.
- I love you too.Copy !req
575. - Yes. That smells good.
- What?Copy !req
576. Michael. Stop it.
The sleepover will catch us.Copy !req
577. They ain't gonna hear us. Come on.Copy !req
578. Okay. Quietly try
and coax me into it.Copy !req
579. I gotta get back to work.
Can't we just do it?Copy !req
580. No, we can't just do it.
Honey, come on.Copy !req
581. I mean, I don't have any new moves
for you. It's the same stuff.Copy !req
582. Just think of last time and use that.Copy !req
583. I like the old moves. Come on.Copy !req
584. All right.Copy !req
585. This time you be Sundance,
I'll be the duck.Copy !req
586. - Yeah?
- But you gotta massage me first.Copy !req
587. Great, I love giving massages.Copy !req
588. Massaging away here.Copy !req
589. Oh, that feels good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
590. - We did it?
- Well, you did.Copy !req
591. I didn't want the whole thing
to go that fast.Copy !req
592. I don't think anybody did.Copy !req
593. Yeah. I'll get you next time.Copy !req
594. Thanks.Copy !req
595. So we good for tomorrow?Copy !req
596. What are you talking about?Copy !req
597. At dinner.Copy !req
598. You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow
and pick out your dad's birthday gift.Copy !req
599. Dad's gift is—Copy !req
600. - Of course. I said so, so I'll be there.
- Okay.Copy !req
601. - Need another massage or anything?
- Oh, go away.Copy !req
602. I gotta go work.Copy !req
603. Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman.Copy !req
604. Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute?Copy !req
605. Hang on for a second,
someone's at my door.Copy !req
606. - Hello, Michael.
- Where'd you come from?Copy !req
607. You don't wanna know.Copy !req
608. - Can we take a walk?
- Sure.Copy !req
609. It's simple. You must
have been on autopilot.Copy !req
610. Autopilot?Copy !req
611. That's what happens to you
when you fast-forward.Copy !req
612. - Okay.
- Yeah. I'll show you.Copy !req
613. Here.Copy !req
614. See? That's you on autopilot.Copy !req
615. The lights are on
but nobody's home.Copy !req
616. The remote lets your mind
skip around...Copy !req
617. but your body actually stays put
for the boring stuff.Copy !req
618. We should go to lunch tomorrow
and pick out your dad's birthday gift.Copy !req
619. Sounds good.Copy !req
620. So she did tell me.Copy !req
621. I'm having conversations
on autopilot, then.Copy !req
622. You're not gonna be
the life of the party, but yes.Copy !req
623. Everyone goes on autopilot
now and then.Copy !req
624. The big difference
is now you've got a nifty remote...Copy !req
625. to help you decide when.Copy !req
626. This thing is the best.Copy !req
627. By the way, your wife?
Absolutely gorgeous.Copy !req
628. - She is, isn't she?
- Perfect face. Tight, rocking body.Copy !req
629. You Okay?Copy !req
630. - Amazing.
- What is?Copy !req
631. She fell for a schlub like you.Copy !req
632. I'm a schlub?Copy !req
633. I don't know about that, pal.
I see a good-looking man right there.Copy !req
634. You wanna see what a stud
I used to be? Yeah?Copy !req
635. All right, let's take a look
at some of the girls...Copy !req
636. I used to fool around with
before I met Donna.Copy !req
637. Is that a man or a woman?Copy !req
638. It's a woman.Copy !req
639. What is this, Animal Planet?Copy !req
640. - Stop.
- Yes.Copy !req
641. Sometimes it's better to keep
certain memories just in your head.Copy !req
642. So I've learned, Morty.Copy !req
643. Good night. Thank you.Copy !req
644. Good night, Michael.Copy !req
645. I'm getting sick, man.
Fast-forward me till I'm better.Copy !req
646. Michael, honey, wake up.
You'll be late for work.Copy !req
647. What? It's Monday already?Copy !req
648. Are you kidding me?
No more phlegm?Copy !req
649. I skipped an entire cold?Copy !req
650. Thanks to you, baby! I love you!Copy !req
651. No more Tylenol!Copy !req
652. I don't remember doing
any work this weekend.Copy !req
653. But apparently I did.Copy !req
654. - Bad news. There's no hot water.
- What? I gotta take a shower.Copy !req
655. Well, you're gonna freeze
your bun-buns off.Copy !req
656. It's all good.Copy !req
657. Yes! Look at me.Copy !req
658. All showered and dressed
and looking sexy.Copy !req
659. I like that. I—Copy !req
660. Did you smoke crack, Daddy?Copy !req
661. Just watch your toons and have
a great day with Mommy today, okay?Copy !req
662. Eating cupcakes like your old man.
Right here, baby.Copy !req
663. - Dad?
- Yes, sir?Copy !req
664. Are you gonna have to work late
again tonight?Copy !req
665. - Unfortunately, yes.
- ls there anything we can do to help?Copy !req
666. Well, I'm gonna be partner soon, and
I'm gonna need new building designs.Copy !req
667. So if you guys have any cool ideas,
draw them up for me.Copy !req
668. - Okay.
- Rock 'n' roll.Copy !req
669. - I get the paper.
- I got the crayons.Copy !req
670. Would you stop talking
and fix the sewer?Copy !req
671. You're on it now, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
672. Traffic, traffic, no more traffic.Copy !req
673. Wait a sec!Copy !req
674. Here we go! Mama!Copy !req
675. Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about, baby!Copy !req
676. You look a little pale there, pal.
Let me fix that.Copy !req
677. Oh, look at you now.
You're all yellow from the scurvy.Copy !req
678. Captain.Copy !req
679. Don't get the Hulk angry.
You won't like him when he's angry.Copy !req
680. Oh, there's Barney.Copy !req
681. I love you, you love meCopy !req
682. That jogger had giant boobiesCopy !req
683. Okay. Let's get you that tan
you been searching for.Copy !req
684. That's it. That's it.Copy !req
685. Check out Julio lglesias... Pretty.Copy !req
686. - Looking good, Mr. Newman.
- Really? Thank you very much, Judy.Copy !req
687. - Finish?
- Did I finish? I believe I finished.Copy !req
688. - Let's see here. Look at that.
- Very impressive, Michael.Copy !req
689. Yeah, the river in the lobby.
This is actually pretty good, man.Copy !req
690. Where did you find the time
to get a tan?Copy !req
691. - I guess I can do it all, sir.
- You can do it all.Copy !req
692. All right, all right, everybody.
It's sexual-harassment-speech day.Copy !req
693. Now, anyone can be a victim
of sexual harassment:Copy !req
694. Blue collar, white collar,
a woman, a man.Copy !req
695. Even the office slut.Copy !req
696. Not that I'm mentioning any names...Copy !req
697. Stacy.Copy !req
698. Here we go. Sexual harassment
can come in many forms.Copy !req
699. You see, what is hilarious to some,
could be offensive to others.Copy !req
700. Let me try to give you a real-life
example because I'm sure I've done it.Copy !req
701. Like the day I said, "You want
a promotion, break out the lotion."Copy !req
702. I was technically engaged
in sexual harassment.Copy !req
703. Hilarious sexual harassment,
if you ask me.Copy !req
704. Now, there is also
homosexual harassment.Copy !req
705. Now, this is like when
one dude comes up to another...Copy !req
706. - ... and says something cheeky.
- This will be good.Copy !req
707. Proceed.Copy !req
708. I don't know about you Americans...Copy !req
709. but to me there is no doubt...Copy !req
710. lchiro is the greatest of all time.Copy !req
711. Yeah, he's incredible.Copy !req
712. You gotta admit,
you can always count on Matsui.Copy !req
713. Oh, Matsui.Copy !req
714. Well, if you guys love lchiro and
Matsui so much, let's order them both.Copy !req
715. I'll eat anything.Copy !req
716. - Excuse us for a moment.
- Absolutely, Mr. Watsuhita.Copy !req
717. See you guys in a bit.Copy !req
718. Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players.
You just insulted their national heroes.Copy !req
719. I'm going to the bathroom
to slit my wrists.Copy !req
720. I'll be here.Copy !req
721. These morons are so boring.Copy !req
722. They make me wanna
chop my own dick off.Copy !req
723. That hotel design?
I'd like to rip it up.Copy !req
724. Egghead watched a bad documentary
on Asian architecture.Copy !req
725. Who needs a stupid river
in the lobby?Copy !req
726. Let's build more rooms
and maximize profits.Copy !req
727. Eat as fast as you can.Copy !req
728. Then we can get out of here...Copy !req
729. and do Jell-O shots at America's
greatest cultural achievement:Copy !req
730. T.G.L. Friday's.Copy !req
731. T.G.L. Friday's!Copy !req
732. - All right, Michael, save us.
- I'm all over it, baby.Copy !req
733. Before we order, I was looking
at our proposal. You know what?Copy !req
734. After getting to know you a little bit,
I realize this is not what you're about.Copy !req
735. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right?
Start from scratch.Copy !req
736. The river in the lobby idea,
what an egghead move.Copy !req
737. Let's just keep the plans simple, forget
all the niceties, maximize our revenue.Copy !req
738. That's what it's all about anyways,
the profits.Copy !req
739. But do me a favor. Just give us
your account and your trust.Copy !req
740. That way we can get the hell out
of this dump, go to T.G.L. Friday's...Copy !req
741. do some Jell-O shots
till this guy pukes up a lung.Copy !req
742. Fuck, yeah.Copy !req
743. That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
744. Yes, yes!Copy !req
745. The king is home! Hello, hello!Copy !req
746. How can you goons sleep
when you know I got you presents?Copy !req
747. - You did?
- What is it?Copy !req
748. What is it? Well, if you bring
your tushies downstairs, we'll find out.Copy !req
749. I'm coming. I'm coming.Copy !req
750. Honey, get your sweet little buns
downstairs too. Come on, come on!Copy !req
751. Come and get them.Copy !req
752. - Awesome! No way!
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
753. - It must have cost a million dollars!
- That's chump change now.Copy !req
754. You guys deserve the best...Copy !req
755. and that's what you're gonna get
from now on, okay?Copy !req
756. What's all this?Copy !req
757. Look who's here.
You guys wanna ride these bikes?Copy !req
758. - Yeah!
- Let's take them outside!Copy !req
759. Wake the O'Doyles,
let them see what you got.Copy !req
760. These are the coolest bikes
in the whole town.Copy !req
761. Kevin O'Doyle's gonna shit himself.Copy !req
762. - Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife.
- Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
763. It's not a bike or a cowboy hat,
but you're gonna like this, I hope.Copy !req
764. - Oh, Michael, it's beautiful.
- I heard you talking to my mother.Copy !req
765. - I love it!
- You look good, baby.Copy !req
766. I got myself a celebratory cigar too.
Why not?Copy !req
767. What are we celebrating?Copy !req
768. "What are we celebrating?"
We're healthy, we got a great family...Copy !req
769. I'm Ammer's newest partner—Copy !req
770. Oh, my God, you're kidding!
Honey, congratulations!Copy !req
771. I knew it! I knew you'd be psyched!
I love it! I love you!Copy !req
772. I single-handedly landed
the Watsuhita account.Copy !req
773. That's incredible.
I knew it was gonna be a great day.Copy !req
774. - I heard our song on the radio.
- We have a song?Copy !req
775. Honey. The song that was playing
during our first kiss.Copy !req
776. Come on. You're kidding me, right?Copy !req
777. I know our song. Our song. Of course
I know our song. Our song is...Copy !req
778. What the hell was that song?Copy !req
779. I remember this place.Copy !req
780. And— Oh, my God.Copy !req
781. Wolverine's goofy cousin.Copy !req
782. But look at you. Wow.
You are out of his league, aren't you?Copy !req
783. Oh, yeah, the notes.Copy !req
784. Smooth, buddy.Copy !req
785. Oh, look at her.Copy !req
786. What's gonna happen?
You got an answer to that?Copy !req
787. Okay. Seal the deal, pal.Copy !req
788. All she's thinking about is,
"I am not kissing that beard.Copy !req
789. Absolutely not,
that's gonna hurt me."Copy !req
790. Wait a minute.Copy !req
791. Yeah, Newman. Get it.Copy !req
792. Yeah.Copy !req
793. Donna!Copy !req
794. Donna. Oh, my God.Copy !req
795. I'm so horny now.Copy !req
796. Oh, God, I'm not.
Get me out of here.Copy !req
797. "Linger" by The Cranberries
was playing during our first juicy kiss.Copy !req
798. And, my God, you looked beautiful
in that pink sweater you were wearing.Copy !req
799. Honey, you remember
what I was wearing?Copy !req
800. Of course. I remember
what Janine was wearing.Copy !req
801. She scared the shit out of me then.Copy !req
802. I love you.Copy !req
803. I love you too, honey.Copy !req
804. Hi, Mr. Newman.Copy !req
805. Right this way, Michael.Copy !req
806. Hey, my new star. Congratulations.
Sit down, big guy.Copy !req
807. All right.Copy !req
808. I am a little tired.Copy !req
809. The family was up late
last night celebrating.Copy !req
810. You really knocked one out of the park
last night, didn't you?Copy !req
811. Hey, you were great too.Copy !req
812. All you gotta do is draw up
the construction plans.Copy !req
813. If Watsuhita commits
to the bulk of the funds...Copy !req
814. I'm looking at my new partner.Copy !req
815. I thought I was already your partner.Copy !req
816. Whoa, cowboy.Copy !req
817. I said, "Land the Watsuhita account,
you'll get promoted."Copy !req
818. - I didn't mean right this second.
- But I already told my wife, sir.Copy !req
819. I spent money I don't have.Copy !req
820. To do these documents
is gonna take me months.Copy !req
821. Then you better get started.Copy !req
822. Wow, I just got a big headache!Copy !req
823. - Was I hit by a train or something?
- I didn't see anything.Copy !req
824. I forgot to tell you. I hung out
with your friend Janine this weekend.Copy !req
825. I hope she's doing your brother
right now, you big-headed buffoon.Copy !req
826. No, no, no. You got more.Copy !req
827. Yeah.Copy !req
828. Anyway, the sooner
you get back to work...Copy !req
829. the sooner you'll be partnerized.Copy !req
830. - I taste shit.
- You do?Copy !req
831. Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch?Copy !req
832. I'm gonna get going now, sir.Copy !req
833. Stacy!Copy !req
834. Have you considered
the consequences...Copy !req
835. of the thing
you're thinking about doing?Copy !req
836. Yeah. What are you saying,
I shouldn't do it?Copy !req
837. It's your life. What you do with
the remote is your decision, Michael.Copy !req
838. I know, so, I mean,
we're talking a couple of months here.Copy !req
839. I fast-forward through it,
what am I gonna miss?Copy !req
840. Thirty arguments and a haircut?Copy !req
841. Remember the leprechaun?Copy !req
842. The one from the cereal ad.Copy !req
843. "They're magically delicious."
That guy?Copy !req
844. He's always chasing the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.Copy !req
845. But when he gets there
at the end of the day...Copy !req
846. it's just corn flakes.Copy !req
847. - Michael.
- Yes.Copy !req
848. - You don't understand the metaphor?
- I won't do it, all right.Copy !req
849. - Dad?
- Yeah.Copy !req
850. - We have some designs for you.
- It's not a good time, man.Copy !req
851. Maybe they'll help you
finish quicker.Copy !req
852. All right. You want me to look at it?
Let me see.Copy !req
853. The ceiling's too high,
the hallway's too narrow...Copy !req
854. stairway placement
makes no sense at all.Copy !req
855. - What the hell's this room made of?
- Pizza.Copy !req
856. Well, it's stupid. Next.
What is yours made of?Copy !req
857. - Pickles.
- Oh, don't be a baby.Copy !req
858. Michael, have you lost your mind?
He's 7 years old.Copy !req
859. If he wants a playroom made of pizza,
then why not?Copy !req
860. Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime
and get the hell off Fantasy Island.Copy !req
861. Hey, pizza boy.
Life ain't about being creative.Copy !req
862. It's about kissing ass, playing it safe,
making your boss a lot of money...Copy !req
863. in hopes one day he might throw you
a stinking bone. All right?Copy !req
864. Yes, sir.Copy !req
865. Ammer didn't make you partner,
did he?Copy !req
866. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
867. But we'll get through this, okay?
I promise.Copy !req
868. Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do
is get through it.Copy !req
869. When is it gonna end?Copy !req
870. Pretty sweet, eh?Copy !req
871. Two queen beds, full kitchen,
steam shower...Copy !req
872. and satellite TV
with surround sound.Copy !req
873. Why are you always trying to hurt me?
One day I'm gonna hurt you back.Copy !req
874. Michael Newman,
I didn't know you smoked cigars.Copy !req
875. And now's the time.Copy !req
876. No, Kathy, this isn't mine.Copy !req
877. I took it out of Kevin's hands.
Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney.Copy !req
878. No, I wasn't!Copy !req
879. I think I smell marijuana in it.Copy !req
880. Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass
in this house right now!Copy !req
881. I hate you.Copy !req
882. Are you deaf? Move it!
I don't wanna have to ask you again!Copy !req
883. Dope is for dopes, buddy!Copy !req
884. Get your ass in this house!Copy !req
885. We don't have
any other choice, guys.Copy !req
886. - No fair! I don't wanna return my bike!
- We have to, honey.Copy !req
887. - But Daddy gave them to us!
- Because he loves you.Copy !req
888. Unfortunately, there was
a mix-up at Daddy's work.Copy !req
889. We need to bring
the bikes back for now.Copy !req
890. But I already told Kevin O'Doyle
I got a new bike.Copy !req
891. Well, we can paint my old bike
and make it look new.Copy !req
892. That's a girl's bike.
All the kids will make fun of me.Copy !req
893. No!Copy !req
894. I wanna keep my bike!Copy !req
895. I can't take this anymore.Copy !req
896. Fast-forward me to my promotion.Copy !req
897. So here's to Michael Newman...Copy !req
898. the greatest partner
I could ever dream of.Copy !req
899. Hear, hear!Copy !req
900. Thank you. Thank you, guys.
My family thanks you.Copy !req
901. I'm gonna do the best I can
and I won't let you down, I promise.Copy !req
902. Yeah!Copy !req
903. - Congratulations, Mr. Newman.
- This is great. Thank you.Copy !req
904. How's it feel, killer?Copy !req
905. - Feels incredible, sir.
- Well, you earned it. I'm telling you.Copy !req
906. Not just because of that
Watsuhita project either.Copy !req
907. For helping me pick up the slack
now I'm spending time with my lady.Copy !req
908. Hey, Dinkie.Copy !req
909. Are you kidding me? You guys have
been dating a couple months now?Copy !req
910. That's pretty huge for this one.Copy !req
911. No, the first few months were easy.Copy !req
912. It was the one-year hump
that was the tough part.Copy !req
913. Her inappropriate weekend
with my brother in Cabo...Copy !req
914. well, that was
a potential speed bump.Copy !req
915. But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us
work through it, didn't he, honey?Copy !req
916. How's he doing for you and Donna?Copy !req
917. Dr. Bergman. What do you mean?Copy !req
918. Oh, you know what, sweetie?
It's none of our business.Copy !req
919. Let's let Michael bask in his glory.
Cheers.Copy !req
920. Bask away, partner.Copy !req
921. Took that bastard
a year to promote me?Copy !req
922. What else did I miss?Copy !req
923. - Shit.
- Need something, Mr. Newman?Copy !req
924. - Who are you?
- Kirsten, your assistant.Copy !req
925. What happened to Alice?Copy !req
926. She moved to Accounting.
Couldn't handle your hours.Copy !req
927. And she prefers to be called Alan now.
Remember?Copy !req
928. No.Copy !req
929. No.Copy !req
930. No! And who the hell's
Dr. Bergman?Copy !req
931. And I feel like Michael's making
no effort to connect with me at all.Copy !req
932. No, no. I want to. I want to.
It's— I'm on autopilot.Copy !req
933. "I'm on autopilot."
More like auto-zombie.Copy !req
934. Good one, Donna.Copy !req
935. - "Good one, Donna"?
- Michael, relax.Copy !req
936. Who is this bigmouth?
Why can't you and I just talk?Copy !req
937. Why? Because there is no talking
to you. You're never home to talk to.Copy !req
938. And when you are, you're just sitting
there staring off into space.Copy !req
939. What do you want from me?Copy !req
940. This is what happens.
He's gonna answer his phone.Copy !req
941. What the heck happened?
I didn't even touch the remote.Copy !req
942. Great, you gonna start watching TV
at dinner?Copy !req
943. Oh, can we?Copy !req
944. Samantha. My little angel.
Look at you.Copy !req
945. Look how long your hair's getting.Copy !req
946. When did you grow up?
Ben, get over here.Copy !req
947. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna work tonight.Copy !req
948. Watch Dragon Tales together.
What do you say?Copy !req
949. Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad.
I wanna watch CSI.Copy !req
950. Yeah, CSI.Copy !req
951. It's the episode
when they find the lady's arm.Copy !req
952. What happened? I missed
the whole Dragon Tales era?Copy !req
953. Whoa, hey, hello.Copy !req
954. What are you doing?
Come here! Give me my Twinkie!Copy !req
955. Get back here,
you freaking gremlin!Copy !req
956. Don't yell at Peanut because
he found your Twinkie stash.Copy !req
957. Who's Peanut? Where's Sundance?Copy !req
958. Don't mention Sundance.
The kids just stopped crying.Copy !req
959. About what? Why?
What happened?Copy !req
960. He died?Copy !req
961. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.Copy !req
962. The stupid idiot and soft fur.Copy !req
963. - Daddy held it in so long.
- He was the best dog!Copy !req
964. He's finally letting himself feel it.Copy !req
965. One night when the duck's head
was off...Copy !req
966. he tried to hump my leg
and I didn't let him...Copy !req
967. and I should've and I'm sorry.Copy !req
968. - What an idiot.
- It's okay, it's okay.Copy !req
969. What the heck did I do?Copy !req
970. I love you. Do you still love me?Copy !req
971. Oh, Michael.Copy !req
972. It's been...Copy !req
973. I'm really confused.Copy !req
974. No, no, no. I'll change, okay?
I'll be a better man, I promise.Copy !req
975. Don't go, don't go.
I'll stop working so much, okay?Copy !req
976. I'll be with you. Just stay with me.Copy !req
977. Oh, my God, it didn't take the duck
long to get over Sundance.Copy !req
978. It's a little deviant,
but it's kind of turning me on.Copy !req
979. Yeah, well, let's kiss and make up.Copy !req
980. No. No!Copy !req
981. It's not my fault.Copy !req
982. It jumped on its own.
I didn't even hit the button.Copy !req
983. Not even close.Copy !req
984. Yes?Copy !req
985. - You scared—
- Honey, what's going on down there?Copy !req
986. It's all right! I—
There was a mouse! I killed it!Copy !req
987. It's dead! But it broke the table first!Copy !req
988. - How did you get in here?
- I had a feeling you wanted to see me.Copy !req
989. I'm freaking out.
This thing, it's broken.Copy !req
990. It's just— It's fast-forwarding
on its own now.Copy !req
991. It's not a malfunction, it's a feature.Copy !req
992. It's using its memory
to execute your preferences.Copy !req
993. It remembers stuff?
What do you mean?Copy !req
994. It's an advanced piece of equipment,
like TiVo.Copy !req
995. You could call it MeVo.Copy !req
996. I fast-forwarded through sex one time,
I don't wanna skip it forever.Copy !req
997. I like sex. It feels good.Copy !req
998. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you
fast-forwarded through an entire year.Copy !req
999. That's a lot of sex.Copy !req
1000. Put it all together,
that's like 30 minutes' worth for you.Copy !req
1001. Oh, no, no. So what,
everything I fast-forwarded...Copy !req
1002. - ... it's gonna do it on its own now?
- Pretty much.Copy !req
1003. No more showering, no more traffic.Copy !req
1004. No more arguing.
No more sickness.Copy !req
1005. This is bad, this is bad.Copy !req
1006. You take it back,
I'm deactivating my service.Copy !req
1007. I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything,
all right, but I—Copy !req
1008. Yeah.Copy !req
1009. You... This is not...Copy !req
1010. Don't be mean.Copy !req
1011. Nice hat.Copy !req
1012. No,no, no.Copy !req
1013. Get away from me. Just get away.
Get away. Leave me alone.Copy !req
1014. Is this a stickup?
Or are you just happy?Copy !req
1015. Yeah? I'm gonna
take my clothes off, then—Copy !req
1016. I wouldn't do that if I were you.Copy !req
1017. There's only one place left
for it to pop up.Copy !req
1018. Oh. No, no, I don't want that.
Come on, man.Copy !req
1019. I told you,
this item is nonreturnable.Copy !req
1020. - Come on, just take it.
- Until we meet again.Copy !req
1021. Don't do that. Come on, Morty.
How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding?Copy !req
1022. Morning, sweetie.Copy !req
1023. You wanna shower first?Copy !req
1024. Yeah. No! I can't shower
because then I'll fast-forward.Copy !req
1025. And if I fast-forward, who knows
how long I'll fast-forward for.Copy !req
1026. How's this? I'm gonna rough it today,
like in the Old West. Okay?Copy !req
1027. Donna, I wanna tell you
what's going on right now so bad...Copy !req
1028. but it might lead to an argument.
We can't argue because off I'll go.Copy !req
1029. So just know there is a problem.Copy !req
1030. I tried to get rid of the problem,
it almost ended up in my ass.Copy !req
1031. I'm gonna go to work
and try to figure this out.Copy !req
1032. You're going to work
in your bathrobe?Copy !req
1033. Honey. We can't argue, okay?
No more arguing.Copy !req
1034. You're right. I'm wrong. All the time.
You want a kiss?Copy !req
1035. - I'll take a kiss.
- I can't. If I give you a kiss...Copy !req
1036. it might lead to something else,
then... three minutes goes by.Copy !req
1037. You're laying there disappointed,
I'm smiling.Copy !req
1038. I wanna be with you every minute
of my life, that's why I gotta leave now.Copy !req
1039. Have a great day!Copy !req
1040. Once again, Michael left Donna
in bed confused and unsatisfied.Copy !req
1041. Shut up, James Earl Jones!Copy !req
1042. No, you shut up, big mouth!Copy !req
1043. Michael!Copy !req
1044. Mr. Ammer is hereCopy !req
1045. Your first day as a partner, you come
to work in a fricking bathrobe?Copy !req
1046. I did. I did.Copy !req
1047. John, I just feel we should
stop wasting our energy...Copy !req
1048. on corporate brown-nosing and
worrying who's got the better suit.Copy !req
1049. Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares?Copy !req
1050. Let's concentrate
on what really matters, the work.Copy !req
1051. That's the craziest thing
I've ever heard.Copy !req
1052. But goddamn it, you're right.Copy !req
1053. Life-changing. I feel freer.Copy !req
1054. Yeah— Keep the pants on.Copy !req
1055. Sexual harassment, eh?Copy !req
1056. Speaking of life-changing...Copy !req
1057. there's something, or actually
someone, I'd like to talk to you about.Copy !req
1058. - Janine.
- Everything okay?Copy !req
1059. Michael, Janine and I decided
to drop out of the rat race...Copy !req
1060. slow down, move to Morocco.Copy !req
1061. - Morocco?
- Morocco.Copy !req
1062. Okay.Copy !req
1063. Eric Lamensoff will assume
my day-to-day responsibilities...Copy !req
1064. and I'd like you to take his job.Copy !req
1065. But Eric Lamensoff is the head
of the whole international division.Copy !req
1066. - I've been your partner one day.
- So?Copy !req
1067. Every account you worked on
turned into gold.Copy !req
1068. You know, I wouldn't be surprised...Copy !req
1069. if one day you ended up
being our CEO.Copy !req
1070. Hey, I would love
for that to happen, but—Copy !req
1071. No! No, no, no!
I don't want a promotion!Copy !req
1072. No!Copy !req
1073. Michael, you have a phone call.Copy !req
1074. Michael Newman.Copy !req
1075. Word up, big 911V-Copy !req
1076. Ten years ago you told me
you wanted to be CEO.Copy !req
1077. Great news.
Eric Lamensoff killed himself.Copy !req
1078. So you better stop with the junk food,
Mr. Chairman...Copy !req
1079. or you'll end up
killing yourself too.Copy !req
1080. Opening virtual blinds.Copy !req
1081. Ten years?
How much worse can things get?Copy !req
1082. Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy!Copy !req
1083. Look at me.Copy !req
1084. What is this? This is titties.Copy !req
1085. I got juicy titties!Copy !req
1086. What— What is that?Copy !req
1087. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
1088. Just take me home.Copy !req
1089. This is 1010 WINS news.
February 5th, 2017.Copy !req
1090. Britney Spears
had her 23rd baby today.Copy !req
1091. Proud father Kevin Federline says
he's now considering getting a job.Copy !req
1092. Also, Michael Jackson,
the first man to clone himself...Copy !req
1093. is now suing himself
for molesting himself.Copy !req
1094. Donna!Copy !req
1095. Donna!Copy !req
1096. Can I help you?Copy !req
1097. - Hey, Dad.
- "Hey, Dad"?Copy !req
1098. Ben? That's you?Copy !req
1099. Look how big you got.
You're enormous.Copy !req
1100. Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie
of the S.S. Fat-Ass!Copy !req
1101. Really good for my self-esteem.Copy !req
1102. Maybe if you would take me
to Pilates like you said...Copy !req
1103. people wouldn't think
I was Rosie O'Donnell!Copy !req
1104. Come on, I love you!Copy !req
1105. - Bring me back the Twinkies!
- You're so cruel!Copy !req
1106. Will you please stop yelling?
It is so embarrassing.Copy !req
1107. - Is that my daughter?
- Mom, I'm going to Derek's!Copy !req
1108. That's you, Samantha?
When did you get boobs?Copy !req
1109. The same time you did, Dad.
Now can I go?Copy !req
1110. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who the hell's this Derek guy?Copy !req
1111. My boyfriend, the hottest boy
in school, hello?Copy !req
1112. He's gonna be hot
when I burn his house down.Copy !req
1113. Get your ass upstairs,
put normal clothes on.Copy !req
1114. - Why are you so mean to me?
- Get them on now!Copy !req
1115. - And wipe off all that makeup!
- Right!Copy !req
1116. Is Peanut dead too?Copy !req
1117. This one's got the duck
doing all the work.Copy !req
1118. Donna. Donna.Copy !req
1119. Goddamn it.Copy !req
1120. Look how gorgeous you look.
I'm so scared.Copy !req
1121. - Knock,knock, gang.
- Hey, sweetie.Copy !req
1122. What's going on?Copy !req
1123. Donna and I were gonna get
hot chocolate.Copy !req
1124. - You want us to bring you one?
- You cheating on me?Copy !req
1125. With Johnny G-String over here?Copy !req
1126. Come on. Time-out.
I thought we were past that.Copy !req
1127. No, no, no, we're past this argument.
No, you're right, no big deal.Copy !req
1128. Hey, it's just that you don't
mess with another man's wife!Copy !req
1129. Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael!Copy !req
1130. It was your decision to move out!
So stay out!Copy !req
1131. Get off me!
You sticking up for him?Copy !req
1132. Go away! Go away, I hate you!Copy !req
1133. - We can't argue! Donna, please!
- I hate you! I hate you!Copy !req
1134. Oh, man!Copy !req
1135. You hate me?Copy !req
1136. No. No.Copy !req
1137. Ten years, you're not finished yet?Copy !req
1138. Morty! Why did you do this to me?Copy !req
1139. You did this to yourself, Michael.Copy !req
1140. No. No, I didn't wanna
waste all that time.Copy !req
1141. I didn't wanna lose Donna!Copy !req
1142. The remote goes by your behavior.Copy !req
1143. Every time you had a conflict
between work and home, work won.Copy !req
1144. - No, not true.
- Lie to your wife.Copy !req
1145. Lie to yourself.
But you cannot lie to the remote.Copy !req
1146. The remote is lie-proof, so you can't
change what already happened.Copy !req
1147. But you're still a young man.Copy !req
1148. A young, fat man.
You could win Donna back.Copy !req
1149. So that's what I'll do.Copy !req
1150. Go for it, tubs.Copy !req
1151. I saw what you did to the duck.
Very good. Nice work.Copy !req
1152. You'll feel that in a second.Copy !req
1153. All right, please,
please just read my note.Copy !req
1154. —Hate you! I hate you! I hate you!Copy !req
1155. Oh, my nuts!Copy !req
1156. Michael, are you awake?Copy !req
1157. Michael, honey. Are you awake?Copy !req
1158. Donna.Copy !req
1159. Where'd all my fat go?Copy !req
1160. It was just a dream?
A terrible, terrible dream.Copy !req
1161. What's that, Michael?
You had a bad dream?Copy !req
1162. Did a fuzzy dog push me over?Copy !req
1163. Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog?Copy !req
1164. Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you
on your noggin...Copy !req
1165. you wouldn't have had the CAT scan
that found the cancer before it spread.Copy !req
1166. I have cancer?Copy !req
1167. No, you had cancer.Copy !req
1168. You're the only person
to gain weight during chemo.Copy !req
1169. That's probably what caused
your heart attack.Copy !req
1170. Heart attack?Copy !req
1171. I thought they weaned you
off the morphine.Copy !req
1172. Okay, Mr. Junk Food...Copy !req
1173. since the injury,
you haven't been healthy a full day.Copy !req
1174. When exactly did I hurt my head?Copy !req
1175. When was it? Like, six years ago?Copy !req
1176. Six more years! No! No!
It skipped all my sickness.Copy !req
1177. I'm gonna ask them
to cut back on painkillers.Copy !req
1178. Donna, don't go.Copy !req
1179. What's this?Copy !req
1180. That's not bad
for your third liposuction.Copy !req
1181. One more tummy tuck
should take care of it.Copy !req
1182. Oh, it looks like a tongue...Copy !req
1183. licking.Copy !req
1184. Look, I should go.
Bill's waiting for me downstairs.Copy !req
1185. - So I'll probably—
- Bill?Copy !req
1186. You're still with Speedo Torpedo?Copy !req
1187. Whatever happened
to "forever and ever," honey?Copy !req
1188. "Forever and ever"?Copy !req
1189. Look, Michael, I'm trying to have
a civilized relationship with you...Copy !req
1190. for the kids' sake.Copy !req
1191. I really wanna be friends,
but I can't do that if you—Copy !req
1192. Would you stop flapping that thing?Copy !req
1193. It's my flap, I'll do
whatever the hell I want with it!Copy !req
1194. You done?Copy !req
1195. Look, Bill's my husband.Copy !req
1196. Please learn to accept that.
I really have to go.Copy !req
1197. Husband? Donna?Copy !req
1198. No. Donna. Donna. Donna!Copy !req
1199. Welcome to Newman Architecture.Copy !req
1200. Building a better world for all of us.Copy !req
1201. Architect of the year, 2018.Copy !req
1202. All your dreams came true,
huh, moron?Copy !req
1203. Dad. Hey, how you feeling?Copy !req
1204. - Benjamin. Look at that.
- Look— What?Copy !req
1205. Your face. Your skinny face.
You're shaving now, huh, kid?Copy !req
1206. Your entire ass is gone.
What happened? Good for you.Copy !req
1207. Right, my ass. Why don't
we talk about it in my office.Copy !req
1208. My old office.Copy !req
1209. The architect. How did this happen?Copy !req
1210. - Mom said you were still a little loopy.
- No, no, no. I'm feeling terrific.Copy !req
1211. The weight. How did you do it?
Staple treatment like your old man?Copy !req
1212. Wanna have a flap fight?
You gotta see this—Copy !req
1213. No. Just working out with Bill
five times a week. Same as always.Copy !req
1214. That's a looker.
Blondie, big lips. Chesty.Copy !req
1215. Is that your girl?Copy !req
1216. No, that's your daughter Samantha.Copy !req
1217. Of course it is.Copy !req
1218. And you better
always take care of her...Copy !req
1219. and make sure nobody touches her
except you.Copy !req
1220. Pop, I'm just getting ready
for this meeting.Copy !req
1221. Okay. Absolutely.
I'll take off for you.Copy !req
1222. I'd like to spend more time together.
All of us.Copy !req
1223. Take you out for ice cream.
How's that?Copy !req
1224. I know your mother won't come...Copy !req
1225. but you, Samantha,
Grandpa, Grandma.Copy !req
1226. That'd be nice, huh?Copy !req
1227. I knew something
was funny with you today.Copy !req
1228. Papa, take a seat.
Let me get you a water, okay?Copy !req
1229. What are we sitting for?Copy !req
1230. - Here you go, Pop, drink this.
- All right. Drink some water.Copy !req
1231. There, I had my water.
What's going on?Copy !req
1232. Grandpa died, Dad.Copy !req
1233. He died a while back now.Copy !req
1234. No,no, no.Copy !req
1235. Don't say that.Copy !req
1236. Where was I?Copy !req
1237. You're crying?Copy !req
1238. What happened?Copy !req
1239. Nothing. You know,
he just got old. That's life.Copy !req
1240. - Shit.
- You're born and you live and you die.Copy !req
1241. Man, I gotta go.Copy !req
1242. Hey, hang on.
Susie, push my next meeting.Copy !req
1243. No, no, do your meeting.
It's fine. I'm just dizzy.Copy !req
1244. - Why are you crying?
- I'm dizzy from the operation.Copy !req
1245. You're gonna make me cry, Dad.
You don't— You don't have to go.Copy !req
1246. You look— You look good.Copy !req
1247. It's all right. Goodbye.Copy !req
1248. Come on.Copy !req
1249. Come on.Copy !req
1250. It won't take you there.Copy !req
1251. Take me where?Copy !req
1252. To the moment he died.
You weren't there.Copy !req
1253. Of course I wasn't.Copy !req
1254. Can you take me
to the last time I saw him, please?Copy !req
1255. Hey, Dad. Sorry to bug you.Copy !req
1256. Would you mind looking
at my shopping mall design again?Copy !req
1257. This one is cheaper.Copy !req
1258. But if you check this out...Copy !req
1259. you'll see it has
a much better natural flow—Copy !req
1260. Cheaper one, like I said.
Now, just let me do my e-mail.Copy !req
1261. Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Dad.Copy !req
1262. He ain't right. You're a schmuck!
Look at it!Copy !req
1263. Surprise.Copy !req
1264. Hey, Grandpa.Copy !req
1265. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1266. When did you get so handsome?Copy !req
1267. So, Michael, I had a wonderful idea.Copy !req
1268. Your mother's playing canasta
with her friends tonight.Copy !req
1269. I thought
"What a great opportunity."Copy !req
1270. You, me and Ben should go
and have a boys' night out.Copy !req
1271. - Can't.
- What do you mean you can't?Copy !req
1272. You have to eat sometime.Copy !req
1273. We could go,
we could whistle at pretty girls.Copy !req
1274. - I'm down for that.
- See? He's down.Copy !req
1275. I don't know what it means,
but he's down.Copy !req
1276. - Hey. Please.
- Don't give me that finger.Copy !req
1277. I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
1278. If you come, I'll show you
the quarter trick.Copy !req
1279. - Will you look at the man?
- I'll tell you the secret.Copy !req
1280. No, Dad.Copy !req
1281. Don't you wanna know how I—?Copy !req
1282. I know how you do the stupid trick.
I've always known.Copy !req
1283. Can you let me do my work?Copy !req
1284. You've always known.Copy !req
1285. You're pathetic.Copy !req
1286. Okay.Copy !req
1287. I'm so sorry I barged in.Copy !req
1288. I love you, son.Copy !req
1289. See you later, Grandpa, I love you.Copy !req
1290. Dad.Copy !req
1291. Pop.Copy !req
1292. Pop.Copy !req
1293. I love you, son.Copy !req
1294. I love you, son.Copy !req
1295. I love you, son.Copy !req
1296. I love you too, Dad.Copy !req
1297. I'll miss you.Copy !req
1298. You know that.Copy !req
1299. Goodbye.Copy !req
1300. I'm sorry about your father.Copy !req
1301. Taking him wasn't something
I wanted to do.Copy !req
1302. What do you mean "taking him"?Copy !req
1303. I'm an angel, Michael.Copy !req
1304. An angel?Copy !req
1305. I thought an angel was
supposed to protect people.Copy !req
1306. I'm the angel of death.Copy !req
1307. Your dad, it was his time.Copy !req
1308. You bastard.Copy !req
1309. All right, leave me alone.
Leave me alone.Copy !req
1310. You had your fun.
Just take me to a good place.Copy !req
1311. And now, everybody, it's time
for Mr. Newman to say a few words.Copy !req
1312. Yay, Michael!Copy !req
1313. Go get them, Michael! Speech!Copy !req
1314. Wedding cake. Wedding cake.Copy !req
1315. Okay, where's the groom?
Show your face.Copy !req
1316. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
1317. Ben. I didn't miss
my son's wedding.Copy !req
1318. Wow, this is terrific, buddy.
Who's the lucky lady?Copy !req
1319. Very funny, Mr. Newman.Copy !req
1320. Aunt Peggy, is that you?Copy !req
1321. God, you got old.Copy !req
1322. No, no. I— She— I'm just playing.
She knows that.Copy !req
1323. Ma.Copy !req
1324. Ben's wife...Copy !req
1325. welcome to the family.Copy !req
1326. Thank you.Copy !req
1327. Congratulations.
Let's have the best night, okay?Copy !req
1328. Look at you, Ma. You look amazing.Copy !req
1329. Michael, you haven't kissed me
like that since you were a little boy.Copy !req
1330. You are the best, Ma.
You know I know that, right?Copy !req
1331. Oh, darling, that's so sweet.Copy !req
1332. You know, Michael, your father
would've loved to be here.Copy !req
1333. I know, Ma.Copy !req
1334. Okay? I'm just glad you're here.Copy !req
1335. Me too, bubbala. Me too. Me too.
It's beautiful. Beautiful.Copy !req
1336. Beautiful. Look at her.Copy !req
1337. Donna, my favorite.Copy !req
1338. You're such a schmuck
for letting her go.Copy !req
1339. But don't let me ruin your evening.
I'll talk to you later.Copy !req
1340. Christina.Copy !req
1341. Michael, you've been so generous
taking care of all this...Copy !req
1342. and the kids' honeymoon.Copy !req
1343. - Absolutely.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
1344. Of course. Ben's wife
seems like a nice kid, huh?Copy !req
1345. - I think she's wonderful.
- Definite keeper.Copy !req
1346. Here's one you might remember
from The Cranberries.Copy !req
1347. Out of all the songs, huh?Copy !req
1348. Bill, since it's our son's wedding...Copy !req
1349. do you mind if I dance
with my ex-husband for a minute?Copy !req
1350. - Not at all.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1351. Just have her back by midnight,
all right, champ?Copy !req
1352. You got it, Bill.Copy !req
1353. Why does he have
a bathing suit on?Copy !req
1354. Nice Speedo, buddy.Copy !req
1355. Still smelling good, huh?Copy !req
1356. After all these years.Copy !req
1357. Are you happy?Copy !req
1358. Of course I'm happy,
our son just got married.Copy !req
1359. Not about that. Are you happy
about where our lives ended up?Copy !req
1360. "Ended." It's not over yet.Copy !req
1361. - That's my Donna.
- It's true.Copy !req
1362. That Samantha?Copy !req
1363. Hey. What are you doing?
Put a sweater on. Cover them up.Copy !req
1364. What is with you?Copy !req
1365. Just kidding, I...Copy !req
1366. Just not used to seeing you
all grown-up like this.Copy !req
1367. Okay, well, if that's your way of telling
me that I look pretty, then thank you.Copy !req
1368. Let's go get some cake.Copy !req
1369. - I'll race you there, Dad. Come on.
- Okay.Copy !req
1370. "Dad"?Copy !req
1371. Michael, are you okay?Copy !req
1372. Is there a doctor?
We need a doctor here!Copy !req
1373. Michael!Copy !req
1374. "Dad!
"Dad!Copy !req
1375. It's just corn flakes.Copy !req
1376. One dance, you pop an artery.Copy !req
1377. Why'd you make me
waste my entire life?Copy !req
1378. You were fast-forwarding
through your life...Copy !req
1379. long before you ever met me.Copy !req
1380. You lived the life you chose,
big shot.Copy !req
1381. This is not the life I wanted.Copy !req
1382. It is.Copy !req
1383. Looks like it is.Copy !req
1384. Hey. You're up. How you feeling?Copy !req
1385. I feel better
now that you guys are here.Copy !req
1386. Samantha's been here
like 36 hours straight.Copy !req
1387. She said she wouldn't leave
the hospital until you woke up.Copy !req
1388. - Why'd you do that?
- Because. You're my father.Copy !req
1389. I thought Bill was your father.Copy !req
1390. I have two fathers.Copy !req
1391. One of them told me he was gonna
live till he was 200. Remember?Copy !req
1392. You both really need
to get some sleep.Copy !req
1393. And I got a plane to catch.Copy !req
1394. Big Ben's gotta go
on his honeymoon.Copy !req
1395. Actually, I just canceled
the honeymoon.Copy !req
1396. Kensington deal might fall through,
so I gotta go do damage control.Copy !req
1397. - Julie and I can go to Italy anytime.
- No.Copy !req
1398. It's not that big a deal.Copy !req
1399. - That's not fair to your wife.
- Dad“.Copy !req
1400. she gets it. Keeping
the business going is more important.Copy !req
1401. Guys, I'm sorry. You're gonna
have to leave. He needs his rest.Copy !req
1402. All right. Bye, Dad.Copy !req
1403. Bye, Daddy.Copy !req
1404. Get this off of me.Copy !req
1405. Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
1406. Hey, fella, you're a long way
from walking out of here.Copy !req
1407. I gotta see my son.Copy !req
1408. You're not going anywhere.
Now, get back into the bed.Copy !req
1409. - Isn't that Colin Farrell?
- Where?Copy !req
1410. Michael.Copy !req
1411. Those machines
are keeping you alive.Copy !req
1412. I gotta talk to my boy.Copy !req
1413. - Michael, stop.
- No.Copy !req
1414. Michael, it doesn't have to end now.Copy !req
1415. Ben!Copy !req
1416. Ben!Copy !req
1417. Ben!Copy !req
1418. Ben!Copy !req
1419. Dad? Dad?Copy !req
1420. Dad, what are you doing?Copy !req
1421. Are you okay?Copy !req
1422. - Oh, my God.
- Help! Help!Copy !req
1423. 'Dad! Dad!
- Help!Copy !req
1424. Ben, Ben.Copy !req
1425. Family. Family. Family.Copy !req
1426. What?Copy !req
1427. Family. Family. Family comes first.Copy !req
1428. Family comes first.Copy !req
1429. Honeymoon. Honeymoon.Copy !req
1430. Honeymoon. I love you.Copy !req
1431. Samantha. Samantha.Copy !req
1432. I didn't make 200, but I love you.Copy !req
1433. I love you.Copy !req
1434. Bill, Bill, Bill.Copy !req
1435. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1436. Michael.Copy !req
1437. The note you wrote her,
it's in your pocket.Copy !req
1438. Forever and ever, babe.Copy !req
1439. It's time to go.Copy !req
1440. - Where am I?
- You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir.Copy !req
1441. I was just watching you sleep.Copy !req
1442. You looked like you were having
a crazy dream.Copy !req
1443. What?Copy !req
1444. You're not supposed to lay
in the beds, but I do sometimes.Copy !req
1445. I'm back in the store?Copy !req
1446. I'm young again. I'm young again,Copy !req
1447. Well, I mean,
you're not "young" young.Copy !req
1448. I'm young.
You're kind of on the back nine.Copy !req
1449. No, no. No. I'm just teeing off, baby.Copy !req
1450. Look at you.Copy !req
1451. You want a friend? You want a friend?
I'll be your friend, baby.Copy !req
1452. I'll be your friend. I'll be your—Copy !req
1453. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1454. Yes, my crappy car!Copy !req
1455. You mediocre, middle-class
piece of shit!Copy !req
1456. I love you!Copy !req
1457. Pop, Pop. Pop.
There he is. There he is.Copy !req
1458. - What's wrong? What happened?
- Nothing's wrong.Copy !req
1459. Everything's incredible, Ma.
I just wanted to tell you I love you.Copy !req
1460. - I love you.
- I love you so much.Copy !req
1461. You gotta tell me how you do
the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy.Copy !req
1462. A magician never reveals
his secrets.Copy !req
1463. However, if you invite us over
for dinner more—Copy !req
1464. You come over tomorrow night, and
the night after that. Any time you want.Copy !req
1465. - Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack.
- No, I have the heart attacks.Copy !req
1466. Thank you so much for giving
birth to me, I know it hurt. Okay?Copy !req
1467. You have no idea. But, honey, please,
stay off the bong pipe.Copy !req
1468. I can't promise you that.Copy !req
1469. Okay. I'm UP-Copy !req
1470. What do you think?Copy !req
1471. If you massage me first.Copy !req
1472. Okay, let's go to sleep.Copy !req
1473. Mom, wake up!
There's a crazy noise downstairs.Copy !req
1474. What the heck is going on?Copy !req
1475. Hey, do you mind?
I am trying to concentrate.Copy !req
1476. Here I am, staying up all night...Copy !req
1477. trying to come up with activities
for our Fourth of July camping trip...Copy !req
1478. but you won't let me think!Copy !req
1479. You want time to think? Why don't you
think about the fact that you just wo—Copy !req
1480. What did you just say?Copy !req
1481. Yes, you heard me.
If you keep up this weird attitude...Copy !req
1482. I won't be able to work for a year
and have to plan 10 more vacations.Copy !req
1483. - That make you happy?
- Did you eat a bad Yodel?Copy !req
1484. Give me those big lips.Copy !req
1485. - What's going on down here?
- Ben. Ben!Copy !req
1486. Come here. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1487. I missed you, I missed you.
Look at you, boy.Copy !req
1488. I'm gonna finish the tree house.
We're gonna sleep in it next weekend.Copy !req
1489. From now on, we're gonna exercise
and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo.Copy !req
1490. - All right!
- All right.Copy !req
1491. And you. Nice jump! I love you.Copy !req
1492. One day, you are gonna be
the hottest chick alive.Copy !req
1493. But you still gotta have brains.Copy !req
1494. So tomorrow I'm gonna
teach you calculus.Copy !req
1495. You know calculus?Copy !req
1496. I knew you'd call me on that.
Your mom will teach you.Copy !req
1497. Now, get your rest, because tomorrow
we're going camping!Copy !req
1498. I know! It's gonna be the best!Copy !req
1499. - Put a sweater on! Don't take it off!
- Okay, Daddy.Copy !req
1500. Oh, and Sundance!Copy !req
1501. Doggie years go by very quick,
so it's time to enjoy the real thing.Copy !req
1502. Yeah, go get some, baby.Copy !req
1503. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
1504. No. Go to Sundance, not the duck.Copy !req
1505. They told me at the pet store
it was a female.Copy !req
1506. They lied to me, I guess.Copy !req
1507. - You staying downstairs tonight?
- Why? That's getting you going?Copy !req
1508. It's Fourth of July,
I'm gonna celebrate with my wife.Copy !req
1509. Take my time, massage her,
make sure she is fully satisfied.Copy !req
1510. But you know, it isn't
the Fourth of July, it's only the 2nd.Copy !req
1511. That's even better.
Happy 2nd of July, honey.Copy !req
1512. - Think I like this holiday.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1513. I'm gonna go change
into my Pocahontas costume.Copy !req
1514. - I'll see you upstairs.
- I'll bring the duck.Copy !req
1515. Okay, I gotta call my dad
and tell him to get the old tent ready.Copy !req
1516. "Like I said,
'Good guys need a break.'Copy !req
1517. I know you'll do
the right thing this time.Copy !req
1518. Love, Morty.Copy !req
1519. P.S.:Copy !req
1520. Your wife's rocking body
still drives me crazy."Copy !req
1521. Okay, Morty.Copy !req
1522. Hey, who wants
to have a pillow fight?Copy !req