1. Into the city
Copy !req
2. "Son, when you grow up
Copy !req
3. Of the broken
Copy !req
4. "Will you defeat them?
Copy !req
5. And all the non-believers
Copy !req
6. They have made?
Copy !req
7. I'll leave you
Copy !req
8. To join the black parade"
Copy !req
9. Into the city
Copy !req
10. "Son, when you grow up
Copy !req
11. Of the broken
Copy !req
12. I feel like I should go
Copy !req
13. The rise and fall
Copy !req
14. We want you all to know
Copy !req
15. You're dead and gone
Copy !req
16. Your memory will carry on
Copy !req
17. Yes!
Copy !req
18. I can't contain it
Copy !req
19. Sends you reeling
Copy !req
20. - Fuck you!
- Somebody get over here.
Copy !req
21. Back up! Back up!
Copy !req
22. And take it back
Copy !req
23. We hear the call
Copy !req
24. You're dead and gone
Copy !req
25. Your memory will carry on
Copy !req
26. And defeated
Copy !req
27. Through the fears
Copy !req
28. Of your peers
Copy !req
29. All right.
Spread out.
Ready?
Copy !req
30. Care at all
Copy !req
31. You'll never make me
Copy !req
32. Will never take my heart
Copy !req
33. You'll never break me
Copy !req
34. We wanna play this part
Copy !req
35. I'm sorry
Copy !req
36. I'm gonna show my scar
Copy !req
37. For all the broken
Copy !req
38. Because it's who we are
Copy !req
39. Whoo!
Copy !req
40. Who had to sing this song
Copy !req
41. I'm not a hero
Copy !req
42. Egg and cheese
Copy !req
43. Egg and what?
Copy !req
44. Egg and cheese
Copy !req
45. Uh, uh, uh.
Copy !req
46. Excuse me.
Copy !req
47. Yo, is anybody
working or, uh...
Copy !req
48. You know what
you want or what?
Copy !req
49. Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?
Copy !req
50. $100 even.
Copy !req
51. Right.
Copy !req
52. Tell me who...
Copy !req
53. Can you...
Copy !req
54. Of every dude
Copy !req
55. Keep it down.
Copy !req
56. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
57. What 'cha
looking at, man?
Copy !req
58. That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
Copy !req
59. Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.
Copy !req
60. Your whistling
is affecting
your carrying.
Copy !req
61. Pretty nifty
planning.
Copy !req
62. The fuck?
Copy !req
63. Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,
Copy !req
64. nifty is slang
for NFT,
Copy !req
65. which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
Copy !req
66. "Our world"?
Copy !req
67. Oh, my God,
I knew it.
Copy !req
68. You belong to one
of these religious
death cults
Copy !req
69. where they all wear
sneakers to bed
Copy !req
70. before they
kill themselves.
Copy !req
71. For the last
time, Randal,
Copy !req
72. I'm not in
a religious
death cult.
Copy !req
73. Blockchain Coltrane
and I are co-founders
Copy !req
74. of the Christian
Crypto Club.
Copy !req
75. This is either
a Lord of the
Rings thing
Copy !req
76. - or a Jesus thing.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
77. Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,
Copy !req
78. but we buy souls,
it's...
Copy !req
79. It's pretty
clever wordplay
Copy !req
80. because the
Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit
Copy !req
81. is called
the Soul, so...
Copy !req
82. It's...
Copy !req
83. You are killing me
this morning,
you nut.
Copy !req
84. Oh, shit,
Copy !req
85. I think I get it now.
Copy !req
86. Get what?
NFTs and crypto?
Copy !req
87. No, not that
Beanie Baby
bullshit.
Copy !req
88. Talking about
this pair of puds.
Copy !req
89. Looks like Elias
has got his own
Silent Bob.
Copy !req
90. Oh, this is quite
a handjob.
Copy !req
91. What?
Copy !req
92. Jesus, these Gen Z
kids are fucked.
Copy !req
93. Oh,
what a surprise.
Copy !req
94. Randal has taken
the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.
Copy !req
95. Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.
Copy !req
96. You're 36-years-old.
Copy !req
97. And not for nothing,
Copy !req
98. but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain
Copy !req
99. if I don't pray
to your Christian God?
Copy !req
100. If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?
Copy !req
101. When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.
Copy !req
102. Who's Crom?
Copy !req
103. That's Conan
the Barbarian's God.
Copy !req
104. You know
what, Randal?
Copy !req
105. I really wish
you didn't
worship all your
Copy !req
106. false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
Copy !req
107. Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.
Copy !req
108. Come on, man,
give Crom a chance.
Copy !req
109. He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
Copy !req
110. but homeboy's
pretty metal
for a deity.
Copy !req
111. Well, joke's on you,
Randal, because
there's only one God.
Copy !req
112. Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
Copy !req
113. Thor is a fictional
character who flies
through outer space.
Copy !req
114. So is your God.
Copy !req
115. Mr. Dante.
Copy !req
116. His God is the living
Christ, Randal.
Copy !req
117. His God is
the Living Dead
Copy !req
118. with all that
goth-y shit like,
Copy !req
119. drink my blood.
That's fucking
vampire talk.
Copy !req
120. - Mr. Dante!
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
121. My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between
you two.
Copy !req
122. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, freeze.
Copy !req
123. What the fuck
are these?
Copy !req
124. - Kites.
- No shit.
Copy !req
125. But what are they
doing here?
Copy !req
126. I thought we could
sell them.
Copy !req
127. Are you serious?
Who the fuck flies
kites anymore?
Copy !req
128. Lots of people.
Copy !req
129. Kids today love
flying kites.
Kites are cool.
Copy !req
130. What century
is this,
Ben Franklin,
Copy !req
131. and what kind of kid
in this day and age
Copy !req
132. would be
remotely interested
Copy !req
133. in buying or flying
a fucking kite?
Copy !req
134. Did you see they have
Jesus on them?
Copy !req
135. Oh, well,
all the kids
love Jesus.
Copy !req
136. Who in their
right mind
is gonna buy
Copy !req
137. one of your creepy
Christ kites?
Copy !req
138. I would.
Copy !req
139. You did, like,
30 times.
Copy !req
140. Maybe we can
sell some online.
Copy !req
141. Online?
Copy !req
142. The only way anyone
on the Internet
Copy !req
143. would care about
this old-timey bullshit
Copy !req
144. is if you shot
a TikTok
trying to jam
Copy !req
145. one of those Jesus
kites up your
Christian dickhole.
Copy !req
146. - Asshole.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
147. You know what, Randal?
I don't think
there's anything
Copy !req
148. particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.
Copy !req
149. Shah, blasphemy
and biting off
a bat's head
Copy !req
150. are as metal
as it gets.
Copy !req
151. There were two men
who were crucified
with Jesus, Randal.
Copy !req
152. Holy fuck.
Copy !req
153. A good thief
and a bad thief.
Copy !req
154. If they were caught,
I'd say
Copy !req
155. that makes them both
bad thieves.
Copy !req
156. The bad thief said,
Copy !req
157. "If you are really
the son of God,
Copy !req
158. "get us down from here
and save us."
Copy !req
159. So why is this
guy called
"The bad thief"?
Copy !req
160. Call him "The practical
thief with common
fucking sense."
Copy !req
161. Ah. But the good
thief said,
Copy !req
162. "Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
Copy !req
163. What the fuck
are butt thieves?
Copy !req
164. Uh, well,
then the good
thief said,
Copy !req
165. "Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."
Copy !req
166. And Jesus said
to the good thief,
Copy !req
167. "Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
Copy !req
168. And Paradise
is a strip club.
Copy !req
169. It's not a strip
club, Randal.
Copy !req
170. It's Heaven.
Copy !req
171. So the moral of your
never ending story is,
Copy !req
172. even in Heaven,
it's all about
who you know.
Copy !req
173. The moral of the story
Copy !req
174. is if you didn't
go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,
Copy !req
175. like the good thief,
Copy !req
176. where did the bad
thief go, Randal?
Copy !req
177. Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,
Copy !req
178. but how is it
blasphemy
to remind a guy
Copy !req
179. he's the son
of God?
Copy !req
180. Maybe the bad
thief thought
Copy !req
181. Jesus had
a Bourne Identity
thing going on,
Copy !req
182. like Jesus fell
off a boat,
Copy !req
183. hit his head
and caught amnesia.
Copy !req
184. He was born
in a manger.
Copy !req
185. Now he's
Bourne again.
Copy !req
186. Matt Damon is
Jesus Bourne in...
Copy !req
187. The Bourne Nativity.
Copy !req
188. Heavenly Father,
I beseech thee,
Copy !req
189. please smite
this braying heretic.
Copy !req
190. Oh.
Copy !req
191. Are you okay?
Copy !req
192. No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
Copy !req
193. Stop teasing me.
Copy !req
194. I'm not teasing, I...
Copy !req
195. I can't catch
my breath, man.
Copy !req
196. Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?
Copy !req
197. What is this,
a Tinder date?
Get off of me.
Copy !req
198. You said you
can't breathe.
Copy !req
199. I can breathe. I just...
Copy !req
200. I can't catch
my breath.
Copy !req
201. What are you doing
with your arm?
Copy !req
202. I'm trying to breathe.
Copy !req
203. You're really
sweating, Randal.
Copy !req
204. It's hot in here, man.
Copy !req
205. Can we open the door?
I got to...
Copy !req
206. Mr. Dante!
Copy !req
207. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
208. I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.
Copy !req
209. Dr. Ladenheim,
Copy !req
210. report to the ER.
Copy !req
211. Dr. Ladenheim...
Copy !req
212. You had to call
an ambulance,
didn't you?
Copy !req
213. I just ate too much
fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.
Copy !req
214. Well, if you know
what's wrong,
Copy !req
215. then I guess
I can go home.
Copy !req
216. Are you the doctor?
Copy !req
217. I'm the doctor.
Copy !req
218. Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
Copy !req
219. What in the fuck?
Copy !req
220. I apologize
for my wardrobe.
Copy !req
221. I just came from
a costume ball.
Copy !req
222. Listen, Doc,
I'm okay. I just...
Copy !req
223. I can't catch
my breath is all.
Copy !req
224. On a scale
of one to ten,
Copy !req
225. how bad would you say
your pain level is?
Copy !req
226. My pain level?
Copy !req
227. Like a negative three.
Copy !req
228. Well, you're
doing it
all wrong.
Copy !req
229. You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
Copy !req
230. when you have
a heart attack.
Copy !req
231. Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
Copy !req
232. No, that's not
what I said.
Copy !req
233. - You misunderstood me.
- Oh, thank Christ.
Copy !req
234. You're having
a heart attack
Copy !req
235. right now
as we speak,
Copy !req
236. a massive one,
so we have to act
pretty quickly.
Copy !req
237. I just wish
I wasn't
so hung over.
Copy !req
238. I'm kidding.
Copy !req
239. I'm gonna go
get all glammed up
Copy !req
240. for our big date
and I'll see you
in the OR.
Copy !req
241. - Look at me.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
242. Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?
Copy !req
243. Good. All right.
Copy !req
244. He's not
gonna make it.
Copy !req
245. Jesus, could someone
page the Good Witch?
Copy !req
246. What's next,
a fucking Munchkin?
Copy !req
247. Shave and a haircut
two bits.
Copy !req
248. Shave and a haircut
two bits.
Copy !req
249. I see that you met
Dr. Ladenheim.
Copy !req
250. And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
Copy !req
251. Surgery? No.
The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.
Copy !req
252. Right! Which is short
for operating room
Copy !req
253. where they do...
Ding, ding, ding,
surgery!
Copy !req
254. She gotta get
into your heart.
Copy !req
255. Uh, is the doctor
gonna crack
his chest open?
Copy !req
256. - Fuck.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
257. She's gonna thread
a camera through
his femoral artery
Copy !req
258. up to his ticker
through a very
small incision.
Copy !req
259. Where does
she make this incision?
Copy !req
260. In the groin.
Copy !req
261. - The groin?
- Come on.
Copy !req
262. So I gotta shave you.
Copy !req
263. Or I get
to shave you,
Copy !req
264. depending on how much
you love your job
and I love mine.
Copy !req
265. So, as the wife
says at 10:00 p.m.
after Dateline,
Copy !req
266. every single week,
Copy !req
267. take off your pants.
Copy !req
268. I gotta shave
your groin, sir,
so underwear too.
Copy !req
269. First, can we
establish geography?
Copy !req
270. Like, where is
the groin to you?
Copy !req
271. Where's the groin
to me?
Copy !req
272. What is this,
a metaphysical question?
Copy !req
273. We're running
out of time here
to save your life.
Copy !req
274. So come on,
let's go.
Copy !req
275. Can you avert
your eyes,
block your ears
Copy !req
276. and sing something,
please?
Copy !req
277. - Oh, for God sakes.
- What do you
want me to sing?
Copy !req
278. - Not you, him.
- Oh, right.
Copy !req
279. All right,
here's the deal,
Copy !req
280. Nurse Jackie.
Copy !req
281. Mmm.
Copy !req
282. I got a really
small dick, okay?
Copy !req
283. I promise you,
it's nothing
I've not seen before
Copy !req
284. because I work
in pediatrics.
Copy !req
285. If I take off
my underwear,
Copy !req
286. everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick
Copy !req
287. including my
friend here,
Copy !req
288. who thinks I got
a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him
Copy !req
289. about it since
we were 12.
Copy !req
290. Is this a long
fable, Aesop?
Copy !req
291. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
Copy !req
292. give you a little
more privacy...
Copy !req
293. - There you go.
- Oh, thanks for that.
Copy !req
294. Unfortunately,
this is as far
as you can go
Copy !req
295. but we do have a waiting
room that's right
down this hall.
Copy !req
296. I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
Copy !req
297. You got this.
Copy !req
298. We can rock the night
Copy !req
299. We've got a female
with multiple
Copy !req
300. C-spine complications,
internal bleeding
Copy !req
301. and multiple
lacerations.
Copy !req
302. Blood pressure,
100 over seven...
Copy !req
303. We're losing her.
Starting CPR.
Copy !req
304. Why has he still
Copy !req
305. got his
underpants on?
Copy !req
306. How am I supposed
to get to his
femoral artery
Copy !req
307. if he's wearing
Squeezies?
Copy !req
308. I told him,
Copy !req
309. but he's got some
body shame issues.
Copy !req
310. Look, Doc,
Copy !req
311. I got a really
small dick.
Copy !req
312. I'm trying
to save your life
Copy !req
313. and you're worried
about your
little dick?
Copy !req
314. We don't have
time for this.
Copy !req
315. Whoa!
Copy !req
316. This is all
my fault.
Copy !req
317. No, it is not, Elias.
Copy !req
318. I prayed to God
to smite Randal
Copy !req
319. so Jesus
attacked his heart
at my command.
Copy !req
320. Randal's mother
had heart
trouble, too.
Copy !req
321. No,
I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.
Copy !req
322. Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.
Copy !req
323. Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your
gentle servant.
Copy !req
324. Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.
Copy !req
325. Remember the words
of the good thief.
Copy !req
326. Jesus did no wrong,
Copy !req
327. whereas we are
but thieves.
Copy !req
328. - A-ha.
- What's up, Doc?
Copy !req
329. I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
Copy !req
330. that you're
a superhero fan,
Copy !req
331. so you might
appreciate this.
Copy !req
332. - Uh-huh.
- You know,
Copy !req
333. they have a name
for the type
Copy !req
334. of heart attack
you're having
right now.
Copy !req
335. Really? Okay.
Copy !req
336. They call it
the Widow-Maker.
Copy !req
337. Now, doesn't
that sound like
some bad guy
Copy !req
338. that Ranger Danger
has to fight?
Copy !req
339. Why do they call it
the Widow-Maker?
Copy !req
340. Because in 80%
of the cases
Copy !req
341. when there's 100%
occlusion like what
you have now?
Copy !req
342. Hands down,
patient always
dies, always.
Copy !req
343. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
344. But don't worry,
you're gonna
be in the 20%
Copy !req
345. because keeping
you alive is good
for my brand.
Copy !req
346. Now, if you
excuse me,
Copy !req
347. I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
Copy !req
348. and I'm gonna make
a little magic,
Copy !req
349. but I could use
all the help
that we can get.
Copy !req
350. So, if you remember
any prayers
Copy !req
351. from when you
were a kid,
Copy !req
352. now would be
a terrific time
to dust those off.
Copy !req
353. Are you there, Crom?
Copy !req
354. It's me, Randal.
Copy !req
355. Please don't let me die.
Copy !req
356. He won't answer me.
Copy !req
357. After all this time...
Copy !req
358. devoting my life
to God.
Copy !req
359. Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.
Copy !req
360. I think Jesus
was always more
of a Wawa guy.
Copy !req
361. Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
Copy !req
362. I think I wasted
my life believing
in bullshit.
Copy !req
363. I've been conned.
Copy !req
364. Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty
Copy !req
365. to a fictional
fucking phantom.
And for what?
Copy !req
366. In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
Copy !req
367. the Lord totally
ghosts me.
Copy !req
368. Well, to hell
with all that
made up Jesus jive.
Copy !req
369. Save Randal
this night,
Copy !req
370. and I will swear
my soul to you,
Copy !req
371. oh, sweet Satan.
Copy !req
372. Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.
Copy !req
373. I mean, isn't he kind
of like the Optimus
Prime of evil?
Copy !req
374. You don't have to
condescend to me.
Copy !req
375. You can just
say Megatron.
Copy !req
376. I'm kind of
a Transformers virgin.
Copy !req
377. Well,
Copy !req
378. I'm an actual
virgin,
Copy !req
379. so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.
Copy !req
380. - For what?
- Evil.
Copy !req
381. And butt
sex probably.
Copy !req
382. - Do you have any lube?
- Are you...
Copy !req
383. No!
Copy !req
384. I don't
deserve lube!
Copy !req
385. Take me, Satan!
Copy !req
386. Jesus! Pull up
your pants.
Copy !req
387. Make me
- your concubine!
- Jesus...
Copy !req
388. - Pull up your pants.
- No, stop it.
Copy !req
389. I have
to fuck Satan.
Copy !req
390. And that's when,
I shit you not,
Copy !req
391. Luke fuckin' Skywalker
shows up.
Copy !req
392. - Uh-huh.
- And I'm talking about
Copy !req
393. the young, fuckable Luke
from Return of the Jedi,
Copy !req
394. not the Gran Torino,
"Get off my lawn"
Copy !req
395. Luke from The Last Jedi.
Okay.
Copy !req
396. Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.
Copy !req
397. - Uh-huh.
- During your thorough
Copy !req
398. retelling of
The Star Wars Show...
Copy !req
399. The Mandalorian,
season two.
Copy !req
400. I was able to get
the stent in place.
Copy !req
401. So this is where
I need your help now.
Copy !req
402. I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
Copy !req
403. is tell me
when you feel
Copy !req
404. the pressure lets up.
All right?
Copy !req
405. Let's do this, McDreamy.
Copy !req
406. "This is The Way."
Copy !req
407. The way to what?
Copy !req
408. Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.
Copy !req
409. Huh?
The Star Wars Show.
Copy !req
410. Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
Copy !req
411. on all your pop culture
references for a minute
Copy !req
412. just until we open
the stent on three.
Copy !req
413. One, two, three!
Copy !req
414. Oh!
Copy !req
415. Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.
Copy !req
416. Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?
Copy !req
417. Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.
Copy !req
418. You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange
Copy !req
419. and Doctor Zaius
- combined.
- Doctor who?
Copy !req
420. Oh, no, I don't
watch that show,
Copy !req
421. but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.
Copy !req
422. "Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.
Copy !req
423. Thank you, Doctor.
Copy !req
424. Thank you for
saving my life.
Copy !req
425. You're like the Batman
of heart surgery.
Copy !req
426. Yeah?
Copy !req
427. With great power
Copy !req
428. comes great
responsibility.
Copy !req
429. What the fuck
was that?
Copy !req
430. - You're alive!
- You're alive!
Copy !req
431. - Are you okay?
- If that was
a heart attack,
Copy !req
432. I'll take another one.
That shit was easy.
Copy !req
433. Okay, you must be
on a lot of drugs
right now.
Copy !req
434. No, they didn't
give me
nothing in there.
Copy !req
435. I had to do
the whole
thing sober.
Copy !req
436. He's high as a kite
on fentanyl.
Copy !req
437. Kite imagery,
very cool.
Copy !req
438. See, Randal,
kites are in the air.
Copy !req
439. Stop with the
fucking kites.
Copy !req
440. One more thing,
Mr. Graves,
Copy !req
441. since you were really
preoccupied about it,
Copy !req
442. so much so that
you wasted time
and nearly died,
Copy !req
443. your penis is not
that small.
Copy !req
444. It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
Copy !req
445. That's the best
news I heard all day.
Copy !req
446. Is he gonna
be okay?
Copy !req
447. How do I help?
Copy !req
448. Well, if you care
about him,
Copy !req
449. you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
Copy !req
450. The guy's got more
cholesterol in his
arteries than blood.
Copy !req
451. Got it. From now on,
I'm only gonna
order him food
Copy !req
452. off the vegan
menu at Mooby's.
Copy !req
453. - Him and you.
- Me?
Copy !req
454. If you're around
his age
Copy !req
455. and eat the same diet
as your friend,
Copy !req
456. you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
Copy !req
457. Will do.
Copy !req
458. But here's something
I want you to keep
Copy !req
459. an eye out for
as regards to Randal.
Copy !req
460. Okay.
Copy !req
461. Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
Copy !req
462. after they've had
a heart attack.
Copy !req
463. Now your friend might
sound or act differently
now because
Copy !req
464. he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
Copy !req
465. So, for the next
few months,
Copy !req
466. do whatever
you can do
Copy !req
467. to help Randal
keep his spirits up.
Copy !req
468. All right?
Copy !req
469. Now, my bill
is in the mail.
Copy !req
470. Judgy.
Copy !req
471. I can make it through
Copy !req
472. I brought you a hat.
Copy !req
473. Yeah. Thanks.
Copy !req
474. I can't believe
you're still awake
Copy !req
475. after the day
you've been through.
Copy !req
476. Yeah, I can't sleep.
Copy !req
477. There was only
a 20% chance
Copy !req
478. I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.
Copy !req
479. Hmm. Is that right?
Copy !req
480. I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
Copy !req
481. any time I leave
my apartment.
Copy !req
482. But today,
Copy !req
483. there was an 80% chance
everything for me
Copy !req
484. was just gonna stop.
Copy !req
485. There was an 80% chance
Copy !req
486. you and I were never
gonna talk about
Star Wars again.
Copy !req
487. There was
an 80% chance
Copy !req
488. I would never know
for a medical fact,
Copy !req
489. I got a normal-sized dick.
Copy !req
490. You always said
it was huge.
Copy !req
491. I was gonna miss
a lot of shit
Copy !req
492. if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
Copy !req
493. You saved
my life, man.
Copy !req
494. Oh.
Copy !req
495. I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
Copy !req
496. Come on, man.
Copy !req
497. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
498. When I was lying there,
Copy !req
499. wondering if
I was gonna die,
Copy !req
500. I saw the whole
movie of my life
flash before my eyes.
Copy !req
501. You know what?
Copy !req
502. It sucked.
Copy !req
503. I always thought,
hoped...
Copy !req
504. that my life
was building
towards something.
Copy !req
505. Turns out it was
just the hospital.
Copy !req
506. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
507. We built our
own business.
Copy !req
508. So I co-own
a convenience
store. Big deal.
Copy !req
509. I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
Copy !req
510. I never fell
in love like you.
Copy !req
511. If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,
Copy !req
512. only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
Copy !req
513. I mean, look
at me, man,
I'm almost 50.
Copy !req
514. I sit around
and watch the same
Copy !req
515. stupid movies
over and over.
Copy !req
516. The fuck is
wrong with me?
Copy !req
517. I don't know.
Copy !req
518. You know so much
about all that stuff.
Copy !req
519. I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
Copy !req
520. Holy shit.
Copy !req
521. You're right.
Copy !req
522. I could make
a pretty cool movie.
Copy !req
523. I've been
watching movies
all my life,
Copy !req
524. I've seen all
these people
tell their stories
Copy !req
525. and never once
thought about
trying to tell mine.
Copy !req
526. Well, fuck
that, man.
Copy !req
527. Since I almost
died tonight,
Copy !req
528. now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
Copy !req
529. So, no more
watching movies
Copy !req
530. because when
I get out of here...
Copy !req
531. I'm gonna make
a movie!
Copy !req
532. A movie?
Copy !req
533. Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
Copy !req
534. It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.
Copy !req
535. And you know what
those kids pay
all that money for?
Copy !req
536. - I don't know.
- To watch movies.
Copy !req
537. I worked in a video
store for 20 years
Copy !req
538. where I sat around
and watched
movies all day, too.
Copy !req
539. So basically,
I went to my own
film school.
Copy !req
540. Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
Copy !req
541. doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
Copy !req
542. Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
Copy !req
543. Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?
Copy !req
544. I'm not saying
I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,
Copy !req
545. but I'm not good
at sex either,
Copy !req
546. and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
Copy !req
547. You wanna
shoot a movie here,
Copy !req
548. at the QuickStop?
Copy !req
549. Yeah, I've seen
convenience stores
in flicks before,
Copy !req
550. but I've never seen
an entire flick
Copy !req
551. set in
a convenience store.
Copy !req
552. Because who would
wanna watch that?
Copy !req
553. I mean, it's my life
and I barely
wanna live it.
Copy !req
554. This movie's meant
to memorialize
my life.
Copy !req
555. And since
I spent the last
Copy !req
556. 30 years of my life
working here...
Copy !req
557. Oh. Working?
Copy !req
558. I got plenty of
convenience stories
Copy !req
559. to put into
a screenplay.
Copy !req
560. Convenience Stories.
Good title.
Copy !req
561. Well, what kind of
convenience stories
Copy !req
562. are we talking
about here?
Copy !req
563. Remember the time
we went to
Copy !req
564. Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked
the casket over?
Copy !req
565. You knocked
the casket over.
Copy !req
566. I did?
Copy !req
567. Well, that's
a scene now.
Copy !req
568. Or how about the time
the old guy
was jerking off
Copy !req
569. in the bathroom
and dropped dead?
Copy !req
570. That's totally
a scene, man.
Copy !req
571. I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
Copy !req
572. sitting at
this counter,
Copy !req
573. these are all
scenes now, man.
Copy !req
574. How about the time
you burned
the store down?
Copy !req
575. Is that gonna
be a scene?
Copy !req
576. I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
Copy !req
577. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
578. Hey, hey!
Copy !req
579. Motley Crewneck.
Copy !req
580. Anyone in your
Christian Crypto Club
Copy !req
581. got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
Copy !req
582. It's called
the Crimson
Crypto Club now.
Copy !req
583. Our first drops
gonna be all
crypto kites.
Copy !req
584. Oh, put that
shit away,
Elon Muskrat.
Copy !req
585. What do you guys
need a camera for?
Copy !req
586. - Mmm.
- Randal wants
to make a movie.
Copy !req
587. Ooh, like
a pornography movie?
Copy !req
588. No, like
a movie-movie,
Copy !req
589. one with actors
and a screenplay
Copy !req
590. and Crafty.
Copy !req
591. What's Crafty?
Copy !req
592. That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out
Copy !req
593. and practices
witchcraft,
Copy !req
594. you little
devil worshipper.
Copy !req
595. Cool.
Copy !req
596. Crafty is where
you find all
the food on set.
Copy !req
597. But if you're
shooting in here,
Copy !req
598. I guess the whole
store's Crafty.
Copy !req
599. What's the movie
gonna be about?
Copy !req
600. Mmm, it's gonna
be about an hour
and a half.
Copy !req
601. I hate long movies.
Copy !req
602. It's about him
- working here.
- Wow.
Copy !req
603. Meta. Never seen
a whole movie
Copy !req
604. set in
a convenience
store before.
Copy !req
605. Right? Thank you.
Copy !req
606. I'm gonna fill
the script with
all the weird shit
Copy !req
607. me and Dante
have ever said
Copy !req
608. or seen around here
Copy !req
609. - over the years.
- Oh.
Copy !req
610. You should put
in that stuff
you used to say
Copy !req
611. about the Death Star
contractors.
Copy !req
612. Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.
Copy !req
613. Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about
Copy !req
614. other movies.
I want it to
be about me.
Copy !req
615. It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
Copy !req
616. the things that I do.
Copy !req
617. Like, um, like how
we play hockey
on the rooftop.
Copy !req
618. I've never seen
that done in a movie
or a TV show,
Copy !req
619. even though
it's just
fucking practical.
Copy !req
620. Remember
that fight
Copy !req
621. where I hit you
in the face
with the bread?
Copy !req
622. Ooh, that could
be a scene.
Copy !req
623. Or the time
I spit water
on that old guy?
Copy !req
624. That's, like,
the fucking
opening scene.
Copy !req
625. Ooh, I got an idea.
Copy !req
626. Maybe Jay and
Silent Bob
could be characters.
Copy !req
627. That is the
dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
Copy !req
628. Well,
you're still
gonna have
Copy !req
629. to get them involved
if you wanna set
Copy !req
630. any of the scenes
in your old video store.
Copy !req
631. All right.
Watch the
register, dawg.
Copy !req
632. We got to go talk
to the Warner
Brothers.
Copy !req
633. What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
Copy !req
634. Almost.
What happened
Copy !req
635. is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
Copy !req
636. when a rattlesnake
came up
Copy !req
637. and bit me right
on the asshole.
Copy !req
638. But like the good
friend he is,
Copy !req
639. Dante sucked
the poison out.
Copy !req
640. See? It happened
to them, too, man.
Copy !req
641. Well, listen,
when we thought
you were dead, man,
Copy !req
642. I felt really,
really bad
Copy !req
643. 'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
Copy !req
644. in front of this
store and stuff,
Copy !req
645. I forgot to give
you something.
Copy !req
646. Dental School?
Copy !req
647. Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit
in 1994,
Copy !req
648. but we never
watched it
Copy !req
649. 'cause we didn't
have a VCR.
Copy !req
650. But now,
you can put it
on the shelf
Copy !req
651. in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
652. Uh, the video
store closed
ten years ago.
Copy !req
653. It did?
Copy !req
654. This was the
video store.
Copy !req
655. Oh, yeah,
I'm getting senile
Copy !req
656. and shit right there,
you know?
Copy !req
657. So listen,
how much we owe
you for late fees?
Copy !req
658. Uh, well,
let's see, a dollar
a day for what,
Copy !req
659. 26, 28 years?
Copy !req
660. That's, like,
approximately...
$10,220.
Copy !req
661. Oh, didn't rewind.
Copy !req
662. $10,220 and 50 cents.
Copy !req
663. You take crypto?
Copy !req
664. You guys got crypto?
Copy !req
665. No.
Copy !req
666. If you never
watched it,
Copy !req
667. why was it
- not rewound?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
668. Hey, asshole,
I said we didn't
have a VCR.
Copy !req
669. We watched it.
We held it up
to the light.
Copy !req
670. Fucking Luddite.
Copy !req
671. Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
Copy !req
672. on the 28-year-old copy
of Dental School
Copy !req
673. if you let us shoot
a movie in here.
Copy !req
674. Ooh, a pornography
movie?
Copy !req
675. No, it's not
a porno movie.
Copy !req
676. Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
Copy !req
677. 'cause I am
the Clit Commander!
Copy !req
678. Snootchie Bootchies.
Copy !req
679. They're bad for me
Copy !req
680. I'm in heaven
Copy !req
681. Goodnight.
Copy !req
682. Thirty-seven?
Copy !req
683. That's not
a scene, Randal.
Copy !req
684. Stop writing it
right now.
Copy !req
685. Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
Copy !req
686. Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!
Copy !req
687. "In Convenience"?
Copy !req
688. It's the story
of my life.
Copy !req
689. Hundred and
sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,
Copy !req
690. set in
a convenience store,
Copy !req
691. written in one night.
Copy !req
692. Maybe don't
tell people
that last part.
Copy !req
693. I thought, you were
gonna call it
"Convenience Stories."
Copy !req
694. Yeah, that
shit sounded
too precious.
Copy !req
695. What am I,
Wes Anderson?
Copy !req
696. Not based
on this script.
Copy !req
697. "There is only
one return
Copy !req
698. "and it ain't
of the King,
it's of the Jedi."
Copy !req
699. - Hmm.
- Hey.
Copy !req
700. You said that
same thing
about return
Copy !req
701. the day that
guy threw up
in Mooby's
Copy !req
702. and you made
- me clean it.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
703. Everything
in the script
is something
Copy !req
704. either me or someone
I know said,
Copy !req
705. I just made up
new names.
Copy !req
706. What am I,
some kind of writer?
Copy !req
707. Ah, yes.
Copy !req
708. Blockchain
would like
to understand
Copy !req
709. why the two girls
are into this
"Dan-T" character
Copy !req
710. when the Randy
character is
much funnier.
Copy !req
711. Randy has been
asking himself
Copy !req
712. the same question
his whole life.
Copy !req
713. What's wrong
with Dan-T?
Copy !req
714. Read his first scene
on page 37.
Copy !req
715. Are you
kidding me?
Copy !req
716. I'm in this
convenience store
way more than you,
Copy !req
717. but I don't come
into your
Copy !req
718. convenience store
movie 'til page 37?
Copy !req
719. I had a lot of
exposition to do.
Copy !req
720. "Enter Dan-T.
Copy !req
721. "A hideous fuckin'
chud of a man."
What the fuck?
Copy !req
722. Well,
maybe Dan-T's not you.
Copy !req
723. Do you ever
think of that?
Copy !req
724. "Dan-T's
hideous fuckin'
chud of a beard
Copy !req
725. "doesn't suggest Tony
Stark so much as
a male crack whore
Copy !req
726. "who is cosplaying
as Tony Stark."
Copy !req
727. That's just
in the screen
direction.
Copy !req
728. Nobody actually
calls Dan-T
Copy !req
729. "a hideous
fuckin' chud."
To his face.
Copy !req
730. I can't believe
you made me
Copy !req
731. sign a non-disclosure
agreement,
Copy !req
732. only to read that
I'm not even
Copy !req
733. one of the main
characters in the
story of your life.
Copy !req
734. I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
Copy !req
735. but I thought
I was at least
the Han.
Copy !req
736. Oh, come on,
I'm the Han
Copy !req
737. and the Luke,
right?
Copy !req
738. Then who am I,
the Chewie?
Copy !req
739. I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
Copy !req
740. Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando
Copy !req
741. and he's the Lobot.
Copy !req
742. I'm not even
the Lobot?
Copy !req
743. Which one's Lobot?
Copy !req
744. He's the one with
the headphones
who looks like
Copy !req
745. a dad who's trying
to be a DJ.
Copy !req
746. The bald fucker
from Bespin
Copy !req
747. who never
says nothing
the whole movie.
Copy !req
748. Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?
Copy !req
749. I mean, they've
been here since
the first movie,
Copy !req
750. which was
the last time
they were cool,
Copy !req
751. but they've been
with the franchise
so long
Copy !req
752. they still give
them cameos
Copy !req
753. and put them
on the lunchboxes.
Copy !req
754. So if I'm not
Luke, Han,
Chewie, Lando,
Copy !req
755. the droids
or the Lobot,
Copy !req
756. then who the fuck
am I in your
Star Wars,
Copy !req
757. Princess
- fucking Leia?
- No.
Copy !req
758. You're the Dak.
Copy !req
759. Who the fuck is Dak?
Copy !req
760. He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner
Copy !req
761. in the Battle of Hoth.
Copy !req
762. You know,
the guy who's ready
Copy !req
763. to take on the whole
Empire himself
Copy !req
764. until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?
Copy !req
765. Did Dak
even get an
action figure?
Copy !req
766. Not in the classic
Kenner line, no.
Copy !req
767. Because?
Copy !req
768. Because he was
deemed unimportant
to the story.
Copy !req
769. But that's just
bullshit, man.
Copy !req
770. Without Dak,
Luke could
have never...
Copy !req
771. Like, Dak was
the only guy
that's, like, uh...
Copy !req
772. I mean, Dak was
plucky as shit, man,
just like you.
Copy !req
773. Uh, I have a question
about the script.
Copy !req
774. Great, more
fuckin' notes.
Copy !req
775. - Go ahead.
- Yes.
Copy !req
776. Uh, I have a problem
with the Friar
Fuck character,
Copy !req
777. who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
Copy !req
778. Friar Fuck, uh,
loves Jesus,
Copy !req
779. uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
Copy !req
780. And?
Copy !req
781. And Elias is a born
again Satanist.
Copy !req
782. Because it was Satan
who saved you
Copy !req
783. when my prayers
fell on the deaf
ears of Jesus,
Copy !req
784. the giant jerkoff.
Copy !req
785. All right,
listen up,
Friar Fuck.
Copy !req
786. I get that you
just broke up
Copy !req
787. with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,
Copy !req
788. and clearly you're
going through
some couture
Copy !req
789. and cosmetic stuff
because of it.
Copy !req
790. But for the
first 36 years
of your life,
Copy !req
791. you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
Copy !req
792. and that's the Elias
that I based
Friar Fuck on.
Copy !req
793. Then this script
is based on lies.
Copy !req
794. Welcome to
the movie biz.
Copy !req
795. There's no truth
in this art!
Copy !req
796. Jesus.
Copy !req
797. Everyone's a critic.
Copy !req
798. So, what do
we do next?
Copy !req
799. What are you
asking Dak for?
Copy !req
800. Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
Copy !req
801. - That's your job.
- Me?
Copy !req
802. What do I know
about producing?
Copy !req
803. Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
Copy !req
804. I can't do
everything, man.
Copy !req
805. All right. What does
a producer do?
Copy !req
806. Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
Copy !req
807. secure a DP,
and most importantly,
Copy !req
808. find us financing.
Copy !req
809. What, I gotta
get money, too?
Copy !req
810. How much are we
talking about here?
Copy !req
811. Mmm, 25 grand.
Copy !req
812. $25,000?
Copy !req
813. Well, technically,
it's $27,575
Copy !req
814. but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
Copy !req
815. Where the fuck
am I supposed to find
Copy !req
816. that kind of
money from?
Copy !req
817. We can find that
kind of cash.
Copy !req
818. What? How?
Copy !req
819. We launch our
crypto kite
NFTs next month.
Copy !req
820. So the Crimson Crypto Club
Copy !req
821. could have a lot
of money to invest
Copy !req
822. if the crypto
kites fly.
Copy !req
823. Again
with the fucking kites.
Copy !req
824. Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
Copy !req
825. not your make pretend
Matrix money,
Copy !req
826. you fuckin'
kite fucker.
Copy !req
827. I'm sick and tired
of the kite killing
attitude around here.
Copy !req
828. Anyway,
back to the budget.
Copy !req
829. What if we took
out a loan
against the store?
Copy !req
830. A loan?
Copy !req
831. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
Copy !req
832. slow down a minute
and think about
this first?
Copy !req
833. Slow down?
I almost died, man.
Copy !req
834. It doesn't get
any slower than that.
Copy !req
835. I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
Copy !req
836. Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?
Copy !req
837. You're the guy
who can never decide
Copy !req
838. whether to shit
or get off the pot.
Copy !req
839. Well, I don't
have time
for that anymore.
Copy !req
840. From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
Copy !req
841. or what's the point
of being here?
Copy !req
842. So, come on, man,
Copy !req
843. get behind me
when I shit for once.
Copy !req
844. So I can what,
wipe your ass?
Copy !req
845. You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
Copy !req
846. but find someone else
to take your shit.
Copy !req
847. Well,
well, well,
here he is.
Copy !req
848. The escape artist.
Copy !req
849. I Sit on Your Grave.
Copy !req
850. Didn't
we have that movie
at the video store?
Copy !req
851. I Spit on Your Grave.
Copy !req
852. Hicks, you spit
on my grave
in a dream,
Copy !req
853. you better wake up
and apologize.
Copy !req
854. Ah...
Copy !req
855. - So this is a dream.
- Uh, if it is,
Copy !req
856. then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
Copy !req
857. I mean, really,
Copy !req
858. this is the best
that you can do?
Copy !req
859. A cemetery?
Copy !req
860. You can't dream
us into sex...
Copy !req
861. on the beach...
Copy !req
862. in Hawaii?
Copy !req
863. Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
Copy !req
864. I'm an old man.
Copy !req
865. I'll have you know
that being dead only
Copy !req
866. increases your
sex drive.
Copy !req
867. The dead live
to fuck.
Copy !req
868. So you have sex
in the afterlife?
Copy !req
869. Hell's yeah.
Copy !req
870. There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.
Copy !req
871. That's what
makes it Heaven.
Copy !req
872. I can't believe my
wife's having sex
with dead people.
Copy !req
873. Famous dead people.
Copy !req
874. I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.
Copy !req
875. Bullshit. Name one
famous person you
fucked in Heaven.
Copy !req
876. One. Okay.
Copy !req
877. I have knocked boots
with the ghost
of Cleopatra, sir.
Copy !req
878. - Oh.
- And Miles Davis
Copy !req
879. and Frederick
Douglass,
together.
Copy !req
880. George Washington... What?
Copy !req
881. - Carver.
- Oh.
Copy !req
882. You know how much
I love peanut butter.
Copy !req
883. - True.
- Who else?
Copy !req
884. Um, Carl Sagan.
Copy !req
885. - Oh!
- A real thinker.
Copy !req
886. Um...
Copy !req
887. Malcolm X.
Copy !req
888. - Malcolm triple X.
- Oh, settle down.
Copy !req
889. And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
Copy !req
890. Uh, yeah,
they're famous.
Copy !req
891. You think
I want this,
don't you?
Copy !req
892. You carrying
the torch for me?
Copy !req
893. I told you how
I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.
Copy !req
894. Oh, I remember.
Copy !req
895. You were very
- convincing.
- Mmm.
Copy !req
896. Right up until the day
I proposed.
Copy !req
897. We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.
Copy !req
898. You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.
Copy !req
899. So what do you
want me to do?
Copy !req
900. You want me to just
forget about you?
Copy !req
901. You were all
I ever dreamed about.
Copy !req
902. Both of you.
Copy !req
903. Now...
Copy !req
904. God, I'm so alone.
Copy !req
905. I know.
Copy !req
906. I know losing me
and Grace...
Copy !req
907. broke you.
Copy !req
908. But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
Copy !req
909. What?
Copy !req
910. The Book of Life
is closed
for the two of us.
Copy !req
911. But you... can still
turn a page.
Copy !req
912. You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
Copy !req
913. Why bother without you?
Copy !req
914. Because there are
more tales
to tell, Hicks.
Copy !req
915. As long as
you're alive,
Copy !req
916. you can always
start another chapter.
Copy !req
917. So live while you can,
love while you can.
Copy !req
918. God damn it.
Copy !req
919. Dream bigger.
Copy !req
920. That all sounds
pretty romantic
Copy !req
921. coming from a girl
who doesn't believe
in romantic love.
Copy !req
922. I don't believe
in romantic love.
Copy !req
923. That's my girl.
Copy !req
924. But I do believe
in you.
Copy !req
925. Hey, I wanna thank
you guys for having
me here today.
Copy !req
926. I've always wanted
to be an actor.
Copy !req
927. Nice.
Copy !req
928. I'm not even
supposed to be
here today!
Copy !req
929. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
930. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
931. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
932. I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
Copy !req
933. I'm not even supposed
Copy !req
934. to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.
Copy !req
935. Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
Copy !req
936. I'm not even supposed
to be here.
Copy !req
937. By the power
of Grayskull,
Copy !req
938. I am not supposed
to be here today!
Copy !req
939. Hey, I'm Joe.
Copy !req
940. Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
Copy !req
941. and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
Copy !req
942. I am not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
943. Damn right.
Copy !req
944. Uh...
Copy !req
945. Lion face.
Copy !req
946. Lemon face.
Copy !req
947. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
948. Um...
A little about me.
Copy !req
949. I'm known professionally
as Boston John.
Copy !req
950. That's a nom de plume.
Copy !req
951. Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'...
Lone star.
Copy !req
952. You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
Copy !req
953. Close your eyes.
Just listen.
Ready? All right?
Copy !req
954. I have nipples, Greg.
Copy !req
955. Could you milk me?
Copy !req
956. Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.
Copy !req
957. Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?
Copy !req
958. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Copy !req
959. But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?
Copy !req
960. Ooh-ah!
Copy !req
961. When, Lord?
Copy !req
962. When will I see
the God damn sailboat?
Copy !req
963. That came from a real
deep personal place.
Copy !req
964. I have a BFA.
Copy !req
965. Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.
Copy !req
966. As an actor with
a theater background,
Copy !req
967. I was classically
trained in New York.
Copy !req
968. Have you
actually thought
Copy !req
969. about going
musical with this?
'Cause it could be...
Copy !req
970. Supposed to be here.
Copy !req
971. Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
Copy !req
972. Kick ball change
and snap,
snap, jazz hands.
Copy !req
973. That is beautiful, man.
Copy !req
974. Freddie Prinze Jr.
Copy !req
975. "I'll fuck anything
that moves."
Copy !req
976. Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
Copy !req
977. I'll fuck anything
that moves.
Copy !req
978. I'll fuck anything
that moves.
Copy !req
979. I'll fuck anything
that moves.
Copy !req
980. That's a little bit
in your face.
Copy !req
981. Let me try it
like this, hold on.
Copy !req
982. Can I borrow
your underpants
for about ten minutes?
Copy !req
983. I'll fuck anything
that moves.
Copy !req
984. And, fool,
Copy !req
985. I always carry
a machete.
Copy !req
986. I'll fuck anything
that moves!
Copy !req
987. Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.
Copy !req
988. You know what
this movie needs?
Copy !req
989. Deez. Deez nuts!
Copy !req
990. Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?
Copy !req
991. You know what
this script
needs right here?
Copy !req
992. Like an old lady
that says curse words.
Copy !req
993. Holy shit.
Copy !req
994. Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should
be ashamed.
Copy !req
995. The fuck?
Copy !req
996. He's auditioning
for Silent Bill.
Copy !req
997. I don't know if you know
Sound of Music,
Copy !req
998. the marionettes were
the best part of that.
Copy !req
999. I think that's why
they won Oscars.
Copy !req
1000. It's worth
thinking about
Copy !req
1001. maybe doing
the whole movie
with marionettes.
Copy !req
1002. Take your
heart pills,
Tin Man.
Copy !req
1003. Hey.
Copy !req
1004. So, how's it going
with the financing?
Copy !req
1005. You raise
my money, yet?
Copy !req
1006. If it's your money,
Copy !req
1007. then how come
I have to raise it?
Copy !req
1008. That's Hollywood.
Copy !req
1009. Did you finish
reading the script?
Copy !req
1010. Last night.
Copy !req
1011. And? It's funny,
right?
Copy !req
1012. It's funny,
Copy !req
1013. but it was like
my entire life flashed
before my eyes.
Copy !req
1014. My life flashed
before your eyes.
Copy !req
1015. I was glad you left
some stuff out.
Copy !req
1016. So, uh...
Copy !req
1017. which one of these guys
gets to play me?
Copy !req
1018. Well, the guys
are too young
Copy !req
1019. - and hot to play you.
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
1020. And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
Copy !req
1021. So then,
what are you gonna do?
Copy !req
1022. I'm gonna play
my part myself.
Copy !req
1023. All right, already,
we're closing.
Gee whiz!
Copy !req
1024. Why? You're highly
offending me!
Copy !req
1025. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.
Copy !req
1026. I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're closed.
Copy !req
1027. It's me, Randal.
Copy !req
1028. Huh. Cool.
Blade Runner,
I like that.
Copy !req
1029. Thanks. What's
a Blade Runner?
Copy !req
1030. Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
Copy !req
1031. that you're directing
even though you've
never acted in
Copy !req
1032. or directed
a movie before?
Copy !req
1033. It worked for
Orson Welles.
Copy !req
1034. You're not
an actor.
Copy !req
1035. Neither was
Howard Stern,
Copy !req
1036. but he acted
in the movie
about his life.
Copy !req
1037. If you
call that acting.
Copy !req
1038. You think you
can do better?
Copy !req
1039. Better than Howard Stern
did in Private Parts?
Copy !req
1040. It's not a high bar.
Copy !req
1041. Great, because
you're playing Dan-T.
Copy !req
1042. What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
Copy !req
1043. You're as good
as any of the jokers
Copy !req
1044. we saw at
1the audition.
Copy !req
1045. Besides, if I'm
gonna play me,
you gotta play you.
Copy !req
1046. You have
to do this,
Mr. Dan-T.
Copy !req
1047. Oh,
for God's sakes,
Copy !req
1048. please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-T.
Copy !req
1049. That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
Copy !req
1050. What is this shit,
Mad Magazine?
Copy !req
1051. Randal is
playing Randal.
Copy !req
1052. Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
Copy !req
1053. and Elias is
playing Elias.
Copy !req
1054. I'm in
the movie, too?
Copy !req
1055. Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,
Copy !req
1056. you've gotta
act the most.
Copy !req
1057. It's my very
own chance...
Copy !req
1058. to transform.
Copy !req
1059. And transform
you shall,
Bumblebee.
Copy !req
1060. Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our
fuckin' financing.
Copy !req
1061. Yo, it's too bad
you didn't marry
that Emma chick,
Copy !req
1062. the one with
the big clit.
Copy !req
1063. Wasn't she like some
kinda car wash heiress
or something?
Copy !req
1064. Can you focus?
Copy !req
1065. Even if we do
play ourselves,
Copy !req
1066. you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
Copy !req
1067. Why am I casting
customers to say
all this stupid shit
Copy !req
1068. when I still see
the real customers
Copy !req
1069. who said all
the stupid shit
in the first place
Copy !req
1070. come in here every day?
They can do it.
Copy !req
1071. Oh, my God,
you can't just turn
Copy !req
1072. regular people
into movie stars.
Copy !req
1073. Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.
Copy !req
1074. Smokin' weed!
Copy !req
1075. Pack of wraps,
my good man.
Copy !req
1076. Time to kick back,
drink some beers
Copy !req
1077. and smoke some weed.
Copy !req
1078. You own a whole
weed store.
Copy !req
1079. Hey, Randal,
I've got an idea.
Copy !req
1080. What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?
Copy !req
1081. Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.
Copy !req
1082. Youse guys want to
be in my movie?
Copy !req
1083. Ooh, a pornography
movie?
Copy !req
1084. It's not
a porno movie.
Copy !req
1085. It's the movie
we're shooting
in your store.
Copy !req
1086. That movie?
You still ain't done?
Copy !req
1087. We haven't even
started yet.
Copy !req
1088. I don't know. Who would
we be playing
in this movie?
Copy !req
1089. Well, it's these
two characters
I kind of based
Copy !req
1090. on you
and Maggie
Simpson here.
Copy !req
1091. Check out your
first scene.
Copy !req
1092. These guys
aren't real actors.
Copy !req
1093. But they are real
fucked up and I could
work with that.
Copy !req
1094. This doesn't sound
like me at all.
Copy !req
1095. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
1096. All the shit in there
is all the stuff
Copy !req
1097. I've personally heard
you say around here.
Copy !req
1098. I do not talk
like this, man.
Copy !req
1099. Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
Copy !req
1100. "Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?
Copy !req
1101. I'll tell
you what.
Copy !req
1102. If you guys
play yourselves
in the movie,
Copy !req
1103. I'll let you guys
be in charge
of Crafty, too.
Copy !req
1104. So what's
Crafty about?
Copy !req
1105. Well, in addition to
being the comic
relief in the movie,
Copy !req
1106. you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
Copy !req
1107. Ooh, we learned
about food prep
Copy !req
1108. back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.
Copy !req
1109. Wasn't that place
just a drug front?
Copy !req
1110. No,
we had drugs
in the front
Copy !req
1111. and drugs
in the back.
Copy !req
1112. So if Elias
is playing Elias
Copy !req
1113. and these dopes
are playing themselves,
Copy !req
1114. who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
Copy !req
1115. Well, funny you
should ask,
Copy !req
1116. 'cause earlier today
I sent the script
Copy !req
1117. to someone who
will be absolutely...
Copy !req
1118. perfect to
play Veronica.
Copy !req
1119. Who the fuck
do you people
think you are?
Copy !req
1120. - Veronica?
- What is this filth?
Copy !req
1121. What is this gamey,
tawdry trash
Copy !req
1122. that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
Copy !req
1123. It's just
a movie I'm making
Copy !req
1124. about my life,
and I thought
Copy !req
1125. it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
Copy !req
1126. Oh, you did?
Copy !req
1127. Yeah.
Copy !req
1128. Then you are
- fucking sick!
- Hey!
Copy !req
1129. Watch it with
my artistic expression.
Copy !req
1130. "Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
Copy !req
1131. It's my life.
Copy !req
1132. Okay, everybody,
- calm down.
- Jeez.
Copy !req
1133. Oh, come on,
you would have killed
Copy !req
1134. to have been
in a film in college.
Copy !req
1135. You majored
in drama.
Copy !req
1136. I minored
in drama.
Copy !req
1137. I majored in
oral surgery.
Copy !req
1138. All hail the queen
of oral.
Copy !req
1139. - Fuck you.
- Surgery.
Copy !req
1140. You didn't
let me finish.
Copy !req
1141. And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
Copy !req
1142. not with me
as a character.
Copy !req
1143. I'm not some
fucking joke
you get to tell
Copy !req
1144. in your dirty
little B movie,
Copy !req
1145. you two-bit
strip mall Soderbergh.
Copy !req
1146. I see myself
more like retail's
Richard Linklater.
Copy !req
1147. You want
to do this?
Copy !req
1148. Fine, but leave
me out of it.
Copy !req
1149. Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
Copy !req
1150. And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
Copy !req
1151. Oh, man,
I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1152. I... Sorry.
Copy !req
1153. Please don't cry.
Copy !req
1154. It's just been a shit day.
Copy !req
1155. I had two
cancelations.
Copy !req
1156. My ex calls
to tell me that
Copy !req
1157. he's not putting
our daughter's car
Copy !req
1158. on his insurance,
Copy !req
1159. and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
Copy !req
1160. And then I see you
and say that shit.
Copy !req
1161. It's okay. Really.
Copy !req
1162. I kinda feel like...
I feel like such
an asshole.
Copy !req
1163. Hey, Ronnie.
Copy !req
1164. If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
Copy !req
1165. I would've said no way.
Copy !req
1166. But now,
I'm glad he did.
Copy !req
1167. Because it's...
Copy !req
1168. it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
Copy !req
1169. And you look great.
Copy !req
1170. You look way younger
than I do.
Copy !req
1171. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1172. How young you
think I look?
Copy !req
1173. You don't look
a day over...
Copy !req
1174. 37.
Copy !req
1175. So, um...
Copy !req
1176. You want to fuck?
Copy !req
1177. You think
this means
Veronica is in?
Copy !req
1178. I think it means
Dante sure is.
Copy !req
1179. "Silent Bob,
Copy !req
1180. "you are a rude
motherfucker.
Copy !req
1181. "But you are cute
as hell."
Copy !req
1182. Silent Bob!
Copy !req
1183. You are
a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
Copy !req
1184. But you're cute
as hell!
Copy !req
1185. I brought
the cat, Randal.
Copy !req
1186. Perfect. We don't
want him
going anywhere
Copy !req
1187. near a litter box
until we're
ready to shoot.
Copy !req
1188. So you're gonna
have to hold
him all day.
Copy !req
1189. But I'm allergic
to cats.
Copy !req
1190. You got to suffer
for your art, man.
Copy !req
1191. But it's not my art,
it's your art.
Copy !req
1192. Shouldn't you be
the one doing
the suffering?
Copy !req
1193. I didn't
suffer enough
Copy !req
1194. when I almost died
from a heart attack,
Copy !req
1195. which I might
add was after
Copy !req
1196. a heated exchange
about kites?
Copy !req
1197. My allergies
have made me immune
Copy !req
1198. to your emotional
blackmail.
Copy !req
1199. Check out
this acting.
Copy !req
1200. Silent Bob,
Copy !req
1201. you are a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
Copy !req
1202. But you're cute
as hell.
Copy !req
1203. Very natural,
and subtle.
I like it.
Copy !req
1204. So, how are you
feeling today?
Copy !req
1205. Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid
Copy !req
1206. that worked
in the video store,
Copy !req
1207. fully fluent in
the language of cinema.
Copy !req
1208. It's like I was born
to direct.
Copy !req
1209. No, bro. I mean,
you had a heart
attack last month.
Copy !req
1210. Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
Copy !req
1211. How do you
feel today
Copy !req
1212. after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?
Copy !req
1213. - Stop it.
- When I said
to be a producer,
Copy !req
1214. I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
Copy !req
1215. Unwilling producer.
Copy !req
1216. I didn't ask
for this job,
but I am doing it.
Copy !req
1217. So I have a meeting
today about money.
Copy !req
1218. Fucking A,
that's producing, J.J.
Copy !req
1219. And I found you
a cinematographer.
Copy !req
1220. - What?
- May I present to you...
Copy !req
1221. Shooter Bob.
Copy !req
1222. Silent Bob is
gonna be our DP?
Copy !req
1223. Shit, yeah,
we all gonna be
doing DPs!
Copy !req
1224. Uh, DP is the name
of the job.
Copy !req
1225. You said
it was cinematographer.
Copy !req
1226. The cinematographer
is the DP.
Copy !req
1227. Man, don't be
acting like
you know
Copy !req
1228. all the industry
slang and shit.
Copy !req
1229. Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here
Copy !req
1230. who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
Copy !req
1231. Come on.
Copy !req
1232. Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,
Copy !req
1233. but you are an
unconventional
filmmaker making
Copy !req
1234. - an unconventional film.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1235. You want me to entrust
the story of my life
to the Quiet Place.
Copy !req
1236. He has some
really nice shots
Copy !req
1237. on his Instagram.
Copy !req
1238. Come on, give him
a chance, man.
Copy !req
1239. Maybe he speaks
the language of
cinema like you do.
Copy !req
1240. The guy never
speaks at all.
Copy !req
1241. Okay, so we just
scouted in here,
Copy !req
1242. and the colors
are fucking ugly.
Copy !req
1243. So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
Copy !req
1244. in black and white.
Copy !req
1245. Schindler's List
black and white?
What, is he nuts?
Copy !req
1246. Uh, no,
I'm a fucking
filmmaker.
Copy !req
1247. And any filmmaker
worth their salt
Copy !req
1248. would know
that the colors
Copy !req
1249. in this place
are fucking ghastly.
Copy !req
1250. The only way
you could
deal with them
Copy !req
1251. is to neutralize
them by going in
black and white,
Copy !req
1252. which will also
kind of act as
a commentary
Copy !req
1253. on the soulless
nature of commerce
Copy !req
1254. while subliminally
giving the audience
the impression
Copy !req
1255. that they're watching
our heroes
Copy !req
1256. from the perspective
Copy !req
1257. of an imaginary
store security cam.
Copy !req
1258. That's what
- I was thinking.
- Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1259. That's what
- an artist thinks.
- Yup.
Copy !req
1260. But, you know,
it's up to you.
Copy !req
1261. However,
I'm shooting it
in black and white,
Copy !req
1262. or I ain't shooting
it at all,
motherfucker.
Copy !req
1263. That's right.
Copy !req
1264. Jesus, he looks fat.
Copy !req
1265. You're not
on mute, Emma.
Copy !req
1266. I know. So? Hello.
Copy !req
1267. Hi, you.
Copy !req
1268. How's Florida?
Copy !req
1269. Full of assholes,
but at least
it's not Jersey.
Copy !req
1270. What do you
want, Dante?
Copy !req
1271. Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,
Copy !req
1272. but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
Copy !req
1273. Fuck no.
Copy !req
1274. It's not for me.
It's for Randal.
Copy !req
1275. Oh, then double fuck no.
Copy !req
1276. He had a heart
attack, Emma.
Copy !req
1277. Good. I hope
he dropped dead.
Copy !req
1278. He didn't.
Copy !req
1279. So he needs
the money for, uh...
Copy !req
1280. for the hospital bills.
Copy !req
1281. Randal doesn't have
any insurance.
Copy !req
1282. So the fuck what?
Copy !req
1283. Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,
Copy !req
1284. I'm not giving
Randal Graves
any free money.
Copy !req
1285. Emma, please.
Copy !req
1286. You and I once
promised that if
we ever needed help,
Copy !req
1287. we'd always be there
for each other,
no matter what.
Copy !req
1288. That was before
you cheated on me
Copy !req
1289. at a fucking
donkey show.
Copy !req
1290. Goodbye, Dante!
Copy !req
1291. No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
1292. Please, Emma.
Copy !req
1293. I'm desperate here.
Copy !req
1294. Do you even have
any collateral?
Copy !req
1295. If I have to...
Copy !req
1296. I can sign over my
half of the QuickStop
as collateral.
Copy !req
1297. That shithole? Ugh.
Copy !req
1298. - What's all this about?
- We're making a movie.
Copy !req
1299. No shit.
A pornography movie?
Copy !req
1300. How long does
- that take?
- Twenty-one nights.
Copy !req
1301. It's gonna take
my auteur friend
here 21 nights
Copy !req
1302. for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
Copy !req
1303. In a row?
Copy !req
1304. "In Convenience."
I don't get it.
Copy !req
1305. Scene ten,
take one!
Copy !req
1306. Cat Wrangler!
Copy !req
1307. All right,
let's go.
Copy !req
1308. And...
Copy !req
1309. action.
Copy !req
1310. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1311. We got poop.
Copy !req
1312. And action.
Copy !req
1313. Fuck.
Copy !req
1314. What are you
waitin' for?
Dance!
Copy !req
1315. I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin'
people watching.
Copy !req
1316. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1317. Cut!
Copy !req
1318. The talent's
being a little bitch.
Copy !req
1319. Can you guys wait
in the video store?
Copy !req
1320. I'll run the camera.
Copy !req
1321. Unbelievable.
Really?
Copy !req
1322. There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
Copy !req
1323. So fucking
dance, man.
Copy !req
1324. You fucking dance.
Copy !req
1325. Bitch.
And...
Copy !req
1326. action.
Copy !req
1327. What the fuck,
JoJo Siwa?
Copy !req
1328. Look at this
fucking guy
looking at us!
Copy !req
1329. He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.
Copy !req
1330. You have to go
inside, too, cuck.
Copy !req
1331. Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
Copy !req
1332. Push the button
and walk away.
Copy !req
1333. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1334. All right.
Copy !req
1335. Action.
Copy !req
1336. I guess.
Copy !req
1337. A long, long road
Copy !req
1338. On my own...
Copy !req
1339. All right, now,
hold on to
the counter.
Copy !req
1340. I'm going
to pull, okay?
Here we go.
Copy !req
1341. Ah...
Copy !req
1342. To get back to her heart
Copy !req
1343. Action.
Copy !req
1344. We need some tits
and ass, yeah!
Copy !req
1345. And cut.
Copy !req
1346. Ha-ha.
Copy !req
1347. Nice job,
nice work.
Copy !req
1348. Um...
Copy !req
1349. All right,
we're doing
the same shot
Copy !req
1350. just over to
this door.
Copy !req
1351. sound here.
Let's get the
sticks over there.
Copy !req
1352. Elias, you with us?
Copy !req
1353. Okay, we're doing
the same thing.
Copy !req
1354. We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
Copy !req
1355. We're gonna stay
on the same...
Copy !req
1356. And... action.
Copy !req
1357. You know, there are
a million fines
in the world, dude.
Copy !req
1358. "Millions
of fines"?
What the hell, man?
Copy !req
1359. That's not
the line.
Copy !req
1360. "There's a million
fine-looking women
Copy !req
1361. "in the world,
dude."
Copy !req
1362. There are a billion
behinds in this
world, dude!
Copy !req
1363. - Whoo!
- Not "billions
of behinds."
Copy !req
1364. "A million
fine-looking
women."
Copy !req
1365. You know, they're
killing swines
in the world, dude.
Copy !req
1366. Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
Copy !req
1367. I will do it myself.
Copy !req
1368. Ahem!
Copy !req
1369. You know,
there's a million
fine-looking women
Copy !req
1370. in the world, dude,
Copy !req
1371. but they don't
all bring you
lasagna at work.
Copy !req
1372. Most of them
just cheat on you.
Copy !req
1373. You All About
Eve -ining fuck.
Well?
Copy !req
1374. Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be
a bumpy night.
Copy !req
1375. So that's it.
He doesn't love
you anymore.
Copy !req
1376. He loves Caitlin.
Copy !req
1377. And he told
- you all this?
- Pretty much.
Copy !req
1378. All except the latent
homosexuality but...
Copy !req
1379. What the fuck,
man?
Copy !req
1380. We're making
a movie here. Ew!
Copy !req
1381. It's nothing
compared to how
my cousin Walter died.
Copy !req
1382. - How'd he die?
- He broke his neck.
Copy !req
1383. That's embarrassing?
Copy !req
1384. He broke his neck
trying to suck
his own dick.
Copy !req
1385. Holy shit, man.
Copy !req
1386. - Is that shit true?
- Are you nuts?
Copy !req
1387. Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
1388. We're shooting
a scene here.
Copy !req
1389. Go back in time
Copy !req
1390. From the start
Copy !req
1391. To her heart
Copy !req
1392. Uh, what the
hell is this?
Copy !req
1393. The story needs
a little action
Copy !req
1394. so I added a scene
where Cohee
Copy !req
1395. comes in to
rob the place
at the end.
Copy !req
1396. And in the process,
you get shot.
Copy !req
1397. No way. I'm not letting
you kill me off
in the third act.
Copy !req
1398. What if there's
a sequel?
Copy !req
1399. A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
Copy !req
1400. Cohee, producer
says I gotta cut
your scene, man.
Copy !req
1401. Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?
Copy !req
1402. Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
Copy !req
1403. I've been
reading the paper
my whole life
Copy !req
1404. and the only time
I've seen my name in it
Copy !req
1405. was under
the headline,
Copy !req
1406. "Local grocer has
massive heart attack."
Copy !req
1407. So I thought in your
official capacity
as producer,
Copy !req
1408. maybe you can get
a cub reporter
over here
Copy !req
1409. to do a story
about your director
in action.
Copy !req
1410. "I assure you
we're open."
Copy !req
1411. I don't get it.
Copy !req
1412. Some savages are
always sticking
gum in the locks,
Copy !req
1413. so I wrote it
into the script
to be the reason
Copy !req
1414. the shutters
are closed all day.
Copy !req
1415. That way,
we can shoot
at night
Copy !req
1416. and pretend
it's day out.
Copy !req
1417. I fucking hate
how fake
Hollywood is.
Copy !req
1418. I don't
appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
Copy !req
1419. - I beg your pardon.
- Your ruse.
Copy !req
1420. Your cunning attempt
to trick me.
Copy !req
1421. This is the last
time I rent here!
Copy !req
1422. You will be missed.
Copy !req
1423. Screw you!
Copy !req
1424. You're not
allowed to rent
here anymore!
Copy !req
1425. Yeah!
Copy !req
1426. And cut.
Copy !req
1427. Nice work.
Copy !req
1428. Nice work.
Copy !req
1429. Okay, now just give
me ten minutes
Copy !req
1430. and then
I'll be ready
to do mine.
Copy !req
1431. Your what?
Copy !req
1432. Wah, Ricky!
Copy !req
1433. This is
the last time
I rent here!
Copy !req
1434. I don't get it.
Copy !req
1435. She wanted to do
one as Lucy.
Copy !req
1436. Empire had
the better ending.
Copy !req
1437. I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,
Copy !req
1438. finds out Vader's
his father.
Copy !req
1439. Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
Copy !req
1440. It ends on such
a down note.
Copy !req
1441. - Cut.
- What? What happened?
Copy !req
1442. "Han gets frozen
Copy !req
1443. "and taken away
by Boba Fett."
Copy !req
1444. I said that.
Copy !req
1445. No, you said,
"Han gets frozen,
Copy !req
1446. "taken away
by Boba Fett."
Copy !req
1447. You left out
the "and."
Copy !req
1448. Do I come in
now, Randal?
Copy !req
1449. Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
Copy !req
1450. You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing
all over my movie
Copy !req
1451. like he's Seth
fucking Rogan.
Copy !req
1452. Oh, my God,
I left out one word.
Copy !req
1453. Every word is sacred
to the writer.
Copy !req
1454. This
isn't writing.
Copy !req
1455. It's a bunch of shit
that happened
for real in my life.
Copy !req
1456. My life.
Copy !req
1457. Do I come in
now, Randal?
Copy !req
1458. Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
Copy !req
1459. Oh, man,
Thomas fucked
up again?
Copy !req
1460. Stop fucking
shit up, Thomas.
Copy !req
1461. Hey, fuck-o.
What'd you say
to my father?
Copy !req
1462. How about I fuck
your shit up,
Copy !req
1463. you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!
Copy !req
1464. Shooter Bob!
Copy !req
1465. That is the
Jersey-iest thing
Copy !req
1466. I've ever heard
or seen in
my life.
Copy !req
1467. And action.
Copy !req
1468. That's your lung.
Copy !req
1469. By this time,
your lung looks
like this.
Copy !req
1470. So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
Copy !req
1471. and try some
gum instead?
Copy !req
1472. Here, Chewlies gum,
try this.
Copy !req
1473. Oh, my God,
that reeks!
Copy !req
1474. - God!
- What is that?
Copy !req
1475. What happened
to the model of
the lung I gave ya?
Copy !req
1476. I'm a method actor.
Copy !req
1477. I ditched
the model lung
Copy !req
1478. for this tripe
I got at Foodtown.
Copy !req
1479. - Jesus.
- I used my power
of stagecraft
Copy !req
1480. to see that
stomach as a lung.
It's method!
Copy !req
1481. And you're
Dante Hicks.
Copy !req
1482. We went to
the same school.
You played hockey.
Copy !req
1483. Yeah. How'd you
know that?
Copy !req
1484. You still going
out with her?
Copy !req
1485. No, she's
getting married.
Copy !req
1486. - To you?
- No.
Copy !req
1487. To an Asian
design major.
Copy !req
1488. What is...
You know what?
Copy !req
1489. Cut, cut, cut!
I can't abide
by this racist shit.
Copy !req
1490. Racist? How the
hell is it racist?
Copy !req
1491. Just look at all
this fucking
lack of diversity.
Copy !req
1492. And calling some
guy an Asian
design major
Copy !req
1493. just feels racist.
Copy !req
1494. That's not racist.
The guy literally
majored in Asian design.
Copy !req
1495. Are you sure?
Copy !req
1496. Wasn't he a, uh, Asian
student who was also
a design major?
Copy !req
1497. He was a passionate
student of Asian design.
Copy !req
1498. It just so happens
he himself was
coincidentally Asian.
Copy !req
1499. Take it easy, man.
Copy !req
1500. So, uh, where are
we gonna shoot the
donkey show scene?
Copy !req
1501. Where it happened.
Mooby's.
Copy !req
1502. - Our Mooby's?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1503. How are we supposed
to get in?
Copy !req
1504. I got the locations
department
working on it.
Copy !req
1505. It's stuck in my hair.
Copy !req
1506. Shit. Can you
get it?
Copy !req
1507. Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.
Copy !req
1508. Miss Sally walk
Copy !req
1509. On the block
Copy !req
1510. Miss Sally Double Dutch
Copy !req
1511. Miss Sally fuck it up
Copy !req
1512. A-walkin' down the street
Copy !req
1513. A-walkin' down the street
Copy !req
1514. Come on, boys.
Let's go!
Copy !req
1515. Miss Sally walk
Copy !req
1516. A-walkin' down the street
Copy !req
1517. A-walkin' down the street
Copy !req
1518. Miss Sally walk
Copy !req
1519. No.
Copy !req
1520. - No what?
- No, I... I can't
go inside.
Copy !req
1521. Of course, you can.
Copy !req
1522. Becks, I can't.
Copy !req
1523. We had the best
times of our lives
in that place.
Copy !req
1524. Until one of our
lives ended.
Copy !req
1525. It's just
a building, Hicks.
Copy !req
1526. It's just a building
I haven't been
inside since...
Copy !req
1527. Since you...
Copy !req
1528. I know. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1529. Just turn the page.
Copy !req
1530. You can do this,
babes.
Copy !req
1531. No.
Copy !req
1532. Don't go.
Copy !req
1533. Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa
Copy !req
1534. and her daughter...
Lisa.
Copy !req
1535. Uh, Lisa goes
to high school
Copy !req
1536. at Henry
- Hudson Regional.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1537. And this is my husband,
Lando, who can
go straight to hell.
Copy !req
1538. I'm so mad at you.
Copy !req
1539. Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
Copy !req
1540. Don't even
- think words!
- Uh...
Copy !req
1541. We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
Copy !req
1542. so I gotta
chase you guys
Copy !req
1543. - out of here.
- Oh, okay, my bad.
Copy !req
1544. I guess you
don't want press
Copy !req
1545. for your little
YouTube video, then.
Copy !req
1546. Did you say press?
Copy !req
1547. Mr. Dante
asked them
Copy !req
1548. to come here
to cover the shoot.
Copy !req
1549. So you're saying
little Lisa is...
Copy !req
1550. Ah! High School Lisa.
Copy !req
1551. Don't call her
little Lisa
Copy !req
1552. and you better not
call me big Lisa.
Copy !req
1553. High School Lisa
writes for the high
school newspaper?
Copy !req
1554. And her parents
are the chaperones.
Copy !req
1555. Fucking great.
Copy !req
1556. Even though
one parent
just came out
Copy !req
1557. of the strip club tonight
Copy !req
1558. spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
Copy !req
1559. Hey! The producer's
on set.
Copy !req
1560. So lights! Camera!
Copy !req
1561. Action!
Copy !req
1562. He looks drunk.
Copy !req
1563. He looks like
he needs a piece
of butter and bread.
Copy !req
1564. Ooh, it's cold in here.
Copy !req
1565. Cough cold... Hey!
Copy !req
1566. All right, look,
Copy !req
1567. I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard
Copy !req
1568. but you just take off?
Copy !req
1569. We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
Copy !req
1570. Oh, big deal.
Copy !req
1571. What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
Copy !req
1572. Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
Copy !req
1573. - Myself?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1574. We're gonna
shoot this scene
Copy !req
1575. because the kid from
the high school newspaper
Copy !req
1576. and her mom
are waiting.
Copy !req
1577. Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
Copy !req
1578. But since you
showed up here
shit-faced
Copy !req
1579. and ruined tonight
before we even had
a chance to roll,
Copy !req
1580. we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.
Copy !req
1581. So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
Copy !req
1582. and let's pretend
for a minute
Copy !req
1583. you've actually
been helpful
on my movie,
Copy !req
1584. which is, like,
the only thing
Copy !req
1585. I ever asked you
to do for me
Copy !req
1586. and only after I almost
dropped dead
Copy !req
1587. from a fucking
heart attack.
Copy !req
1588. You're fucking
unbelievable, man.
Copy !req
1589. Come on!
Copy !req
1590. What...
Copy !req
1591. In Convenience.
Copy !req
1592. Stupid title.
Copy !req
1593. Scene 137.
Take one.
Copy !req
1594. Are they shooting this
in black and white?
Copy !req
1595. I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
Copy !req
1596. And action.
Copy !req
1597. Salsa shark!
Copy !req
1598. We're gonna need
a bigger boat.
Copy !req
1599. Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
Copy !req
1600. Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
Copy !req
1601. Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
Copy !req
1602. You haven't said
anything in,
like, 20 minutes.
Copy !req
1603. What the hell's
your problem?
Copy !req
1604. This life.
Copy !req
1605. This life?
Copy !req
1606. I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
Copy !req
1607. dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
Copy !req
1608. I smell like
shoe polish,
Copy !req
1609. and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.
Copy !req
1610. - Thirty-seven.
- Oh!
Copy !req
1611. Cover your ears,
baby girl.
Copy !req
1612. Why the fuck
are they cursing
like that?
Copy !req
1613. You need to shit
or get off the pot.
Copy !req
1614. What the hell
are you talking about?
Copy !req
1615. I'm talking about
this thing you have,
Copy !req
1616. this inability
to improve your
station in life.
Copy !req
1617. Fuck you.
Copy !req
1618. It's true, man.
Copy !req
1619. You sit there and
blame life for dealin'
ya a cruddy hand,
Copy !req
1620. never once
accepting
responsibility
Copy !req
1621. for the way your
situation is.
Copy !req
1622. You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
Copy !req
1623. It's because
you're comfortable,
right?
Copy !req
1624. This is the life of
convenience for you
Copy !req
1625. and any attempt
to change it
would shatter
Copy !req
1626. the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned
for yourself.
Copy !req
1627. What?
Copy !req
1628. Man, if you
weren't such
a fucking coward.
Copy !req
1629. Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
Copy !req
1630. That's not
the line, man.
Copy !req
1631. - What are you doing?
- My whole life
Copy !req
1632. you've been running
your mouth a million
miles an hour
Copy !req
1633. and saying
absolutely nothing!
Copy !req
1634. I gotta listen
to you talk shit
Copy !req
1635. about everybody
and everything
you think
Copy !req
1636. as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
Copy !req
1637. Nobody fuckin' cares.
Copy !req
1638. Oh, real nice, pal.
Copy !req
1639. Get me all worked up
because it's not like
Copy !req
1640. I had a heart attack
and almost...
Copy !req
1641. Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
Copy !req
1642. "Did I not mention
that a couple of
thousand times yet?"
Copy !req
1643. Fuck you."Hey, everybody,
look at me.
Copy !req
1644. "I'm the boy who lived."
Copy !req
1645. "So I gotta
make a movie
Copy !req
1646. "all about what
a relentless fucking
asshole I am
Copy !req
1647. "to everybody
I ever met,
Copy !req
1648. "especially my so-called
fucking friends."
Copy !req
1649. Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.
Copy !req
1650. You can fucking
believe that shit.
Copy !req
1651. - Oh, good!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1652. Because if we're
not friends,
Copy !req
1653. I don't have to worry
anymore what
the cold, hard truth
Copy !req
1654. might do to your poor,
wittle heart!
Copy !req
1655. Oh, don't worry
about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.
Copy !req
1656. So since I can
be completely
Copy !req
1657. - honest with you?
- Oh, please,
Copy !req
1658. be completely honest.
Copy !req
1659. You think you
deserve a movie?
Copy !req
1660. Yeah.
Copy !req
1661. What did you
ever do in life
but watch it
Copy !req
1662. and mock it?
Copy !req
1663. What have you ever
fucking done?
Copy !req
1664. I had a life.
Copy !req
1665. I was this close
to happily ever after
Copy !req
1666. and then, one drunk
driver later...
Copy !req
1667. my movie's over.
Copy !req
1668. Forever.
Copy !req
1669. No happy ending,
Copy !req
1670. no sequel.
Copy !req
1671. Not even a third
fucking act,
Copy !req
1672. just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
Copy !req
1673. "fuck you!" Credits.
Copy !req
1674. But, hey...
Copy !req
1675. What's that compared
to a heart attack?
Copy !req
1676. I mean, shit!
Copy !req
1677. You could have
almost died, right?
Copy !req
1678. Yeah.
Copy !req
1679. Well, some of us
did die.
Copy !req
1680. Some of us have
been dead inside
ever since.
Copy !req
1681. But then, just when
I'm able to walk
into this place
Copy !req
1682. without wanting to
kill myself every day,
you have an idea.
Copy !req
1683. You wanna make a movie
about your life.
Copy !req
1684. Oh, and you...
you've been very
clear about that.
Copy !req
1685. It's your life!
Copy !req
1686. Well, get this,
you self-centered,
Copy !req
1687. gaping wound
of a human being
Copy !req
1688. with your insatiable
fucking ego!
Copy !req
1689. The fuck?
Copy !req
1690. Your life...
Copy !req
1691. is my life!
Copy !req
1692. I've been
there with you
the whole time!
Copy !req
1693. And since you know
how hard that life's
been on me,
Copy !req
1694. did it ever
occur to you
Copy !req
1695. that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
Copy !req
1696. So, I quit...
Copy !req
1697. as your producer.
Copy !req
1698. And I quit...
Copy !req
1699. as your fucking friend.
Copy !req
1700. 'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...
Copy !req
1701. Now that's what
I call acting!
Copy !req
1702. Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
Copy !req
1703. Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky,
get up.
Copy !req
1704. Dante?
Copy !req
1705. Hey.
Copy !req
1706. Hey. Hey! Dante!
Copy !req
1707. Wake up, man. Hey!
Copy !req
1708. Call an ambulance!
Copy !req
1709. Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!
Copy !req
1710. Dante? Um...
Copy !req
1711. Excuse me. We're... What the...
Copy !req
1712. No, you can't be
- back here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1713. All right,
already. God.
Copy !req
1714. They just brought
our friend in.
Copy !req
1715. His name
is Dante Hicks.
Copy !req
1716. He's the drunk guy
that collapsed
at the QuickStop.
Copy !req
1717. - Uh-huh.
- The first
responder said
Copy !req
1718. he's having
- a heart attack.
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
1719. You need to wait
out there, sir.
Copy !req
1720. Someone will be by
to tell you more
Copy !req
1721. as soon as
we know more.
Copy !req
1722. Thank you.
Copy !req
1723. This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
Copy !req
1724. Yeah, and now look
what's happened.
Copy !req
1725. So weird to be
back here.
Copy !req
1726. Yeah, tell me
about it.
Copy !req
1727. All right, look.
I'm gonna get
out of here.
Copy !req
1728. Call me as soon
as they say something,
all right?
Copy !req
1729. Wait, what?
Where are you going?
Copy !req
1730. I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.
Copy !req
1731. Your movie?
Copy !req
1732. Yeah, I mean,
it's almost done.
Copy !req
1733. It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good
sitting around here.
Copy !req
1734. I might as well
go work on my movie.
Copy !req
1735. Are you kidding me?
Even now?
Copy !req
1736. "Even now" what?
Copy !req
1737. "Oh, my movie.
Copy !req
1738. "My movie!
Everybody make
my movie
Copy !req
1739. "because it's
so important."
Copy !req
1740. This is neither
the time nor the place
Copy !req
1741. to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.
Copy !req
1742. I'm doing
an impression
of you, Randal.
Copy !req
1743. We're in
the hospital.
Copy !req
1744. That's stating
- the obvious.
- No.
Copy !req
1745. The obvious statement
right now would be,
Copy !req
1746. "Never mind the movie,
Copy !req
1747. "my best friend's
in the hospital."
Copy !req
1748. It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
Copy !req
1749. Fuck you, Randal.
Copy !req
1750. Fuck you.
Copy !req
1751. - Come on.
- God, man.
Copy !req
1752. I used to look up
to you so much
Copy !req
1753. but you're the worst,
you know that?
Copy !req
1754. The worst
in the world.
Copy !req
1755. Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.
Copy !req
1756. I made my
movie happen.
Copy !req
1757. I had the idea
to make the movie.
Copy !req
1758. I wrote the script
Copy !req
1759. and I'm the
goddamn director.
Copy !req
1760. I made this
movie happen.
Copy !req
1761. It was all me.
Copy !req
1762. Oh, it was
- all you, huh?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1763. Okay.
Copy !req
1764. Take off your stupid
mask, Randal.
Copy !req
1765. Yeah.
Copy !req
1766. Because I remember
Mr. Dante
doing everything.
Copy !req
1767. He even called
his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.
Copy !req
1768. He put up his half
of QuickStop
Copy !req
1769. just to get you
the money to make
your stupid movie.
Copy !req
1770. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1771. Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
Copy !req
1772. Code Blue. ER 7.
Copy !req
1773. Dante, I didn't know
about Emma.
Copy !req
1774. - I just found out.
- You again?
What did I say?
Copy !req
1775. - I didn't know.
- What did I say, huh?
Copy !req
1776. - Security!
- Is he okay?
Copy !req
1777. Get out of here,
man. Get out!
Copy !req
1778. - Is he okay?
- Get out! Security!
Copy !req
1779. All right.
Get off of me!
Copy !req
1780. Randal, where
are you going?
Copy !req
1781. The telephone lines
Copy !req
1782. To pass the time
Copy !req
1783. Than New Jersey
Copy !req
1784. Fuck!
Copy !req
1785. To say
Copy !req
1786. Were shitty anyway
Copy !req
1787. Than New Jersey
Copy !req
1788. The telephone lines
Copy !req
1789. Than New Jersey
Copy !req
1790. To go home
Copy !req
1791. To go home
Copy !req
1792. To leave
Copy !req
1793. To leave
Copy !req
1794. To go home
Copy !req
1795. To go home
Copy !req
1796. To leave
Copy !req
1797. I think it needs
- more weed.
- Hmm.
Copy !req
1798. God. Hey...
Copy !req
1799. I need your help
with Dante.
Copy !req
1800. Who's Dante?
Copy !req
1801. The fuck do
you mean? Dante.
Copy !req
1802. The other guy,
the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?
Copy !req
1803. Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.
Copy !req
1804. - Ain't his name Sergio?
- It's fucking Dante.
Copy !req
1805. Are you gonna
help me or not?
Copy !req
1806. Anything for
our boy Sergio.
Copy !req
1807. I need to sneak
into the hospital
to get to Sergio,
Copy !req
1808. so I want you guys
to create a very
subtle distraction.
Copy !req
1809. I took a poo
in the ICU!
Copy !req
1810. I took a...
Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1811. Hey! Hey!
Copy !req
1812. Than New Jersey
Copy !req
1813. To go home
Copy !req
1814. Dante?
Copy !req
1815. Hey, man.
Copy !req
1816. I figure, since
you're just
laying around here...
Copy !req
1817. you little heart
attack copycat.
Copy !req
1818. You got time to watch
our first movie.
Copy !req
1819. Huh?
Copy !req
1820. You're gonna see
I was way off
Copy !req
1821. with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
Copy !req
1822. I never... never would
have made this
movie without you.
Copy !req
1823. I never could do
anything without you.
Copy !req
1824. I'm here, man.
I'm here.
Copy !req
1825. Let's watch the movie.
Copy !req
1826. This is the way
I see you.
Copy !req
1827. You're the main character
in my Star Wars.
Copy !req
1828. You're not the Dak.
Copy !req
1829. You've always
been the Luke.
Copy !req
1830. You're
the hero of my movie, too.
Copy !req
1831. You've always been
my hero, Dante.
Copy !req
1832. Let's go.
Copy !req
1833. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1834. That was the best
movie I ever saw.
Copy !req
1835. But it's not over.
Copy !req
1836. Don't you wanna
see how it ends?
Copy !req
1837. I trust the director.
Copy !req
1838. He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
Copy !req
1839. He was my best friend.
Copy !req
1840. What's goin' on?
Copy !req
1841. You okay? Hey.
Copy !req
1842. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
Copy !req
1843. Don't fucking
leave me, man.
Copy !req
1844. Don't leave me!
Copy !req
1845. Oh, shit. Help!
Copy !req
1846. And that's when
the good thief said,
Copy !req
1847. "Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves."
Copy !req
1848. What the fuck
are butt thieves?
Copy !req
1849. I don't know
if any of you
know this
Copy !req
1850. but I'm
a Satanist now.
Copy !req
1851. And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
Copy !req
1852. I still believe
in heaven.
Copy !req
1853. And because
Mr. Dante
Copy !req
1854. was the best person
that I ever knew,
Copy !req
1855. I believe
he's in heaven
right now,
Copy !req
1856. just like
the good thief.
Copy !req
1857. Dante's Inferno.
Copy !req
1858. No.
Copy !req
1859. Dante's Paradiso!
Copy !req
1860. Si.
Copy !req
1861. Grazie, Elias.
Copy !req
1862. I, uh...
Copy !req
1863. I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
Copy !req
1864. I was gonna pull
from the eulogy
Copy !req
1865. that Kirk gave Spock
in The Wrath of Khan,
Copy !req
1866. but I've always
been more of
a Star Wars fan
Copy !req
1867. so I should say
something like,
Copy !req
1868. "May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."
Copy !req
1869. But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
Copy !req
1870. I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.
Copy !req
1871. And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
Copy !req
1872. not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
Copy !req
1873. right up until that
stupid shot of the rat
at the end.
Copy !req
1874. So in the words...
Copy !req
1875. of the best guy
I ever knew...
Copy !req
1876. "You're not
even supposed
to be here today."
Copy !req
1877. Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
Copy !req
1878. and assume your
new position.
Copy !req
1879. But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.
Copy !req
1880. Yeah, well,
after all this time
Copy !req
1881. of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
Copy !req
1882. I'd say you
earned it.
Copy !req
1883. Besides, I told you
way back when
we worked at Mooby's
Copy !req
1884. when Dante is gone,
Copy !req
1885. you're gonna be
my new best friend.
Copy !req
1886. No, I'm not.
Copy !req
1887. Who the fuck
else am I gonna
hang out with?
Copy !req
1888. It's you and
me, buddy.
Copy !req
1889. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1890. Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big Shit.
Copy !req
1891. Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.
Copy !req
1892. Classy. How am
I not surprised?
Copy !req
1893. I was surprised
to see you
at the cemetery.
Copy !req
1894. You flew up
for Dante?
Copy !req
1895. Well, I did almost
marry the man,
and if I had... P.S.
Copy !req
1896. He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
Copy !req
1897. before he was 50.
Copy !req
1898. Yeah, because
after a year
with you,
Copy !req
1899. he'd have
killed himself.
Copy !req
1900. I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
Copy !req
1901. Am I right?
Copy !req
1902. That must really
fuck with you.
Copy !req
1903. Dante's dead but
you're still here.
Copy !req
1904. I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.
Copy !req
1905. Only the good
die young.
Copy !req
1906. To what do
I owe the pleasure
Copy !req
1907. of your entirely
unwelcome visit?
Copy !req
1908. I loaned Dante
30 grand
Copy !req
1909. and he put his half
of the store up
as collateral.
Copy !req
1910. Now he's gone.
Copy !req
1911. And if you can't
pay me back,
I own half this shithole.
Copy !req
1912. How big's
my clit now,
motherfucker?
Copy !req
1913. Oh, my sweet Satan,
Copy !req
1914. lend your might
to the meek
and deliver us
Copy !req
1915. from this succubus.
Copy !req
1916. What the...
Copy !req
1917. - The kites are flying!
- Ah!
Copy !req
1918. I repeat!
The kites are...
Copy !req
1919. - flying!
- He talks?
Copy !req
1920. - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1921. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1922. - Oh, my God!
- What?
Copy !req
1923. The kites
are sold out.
Copy !req
1924. The fucking kites,
God, the kites.
Copy !req
1925. The Crimson
Kite NFT's,
Copy !req
1926. the ones we minted for
the Crimson Crypto Club.
Copy !req
1927. Blockchain put them
on sale last night
Copy !req
1928. and they all
sold out.
Copy !req
1929. So?
Copy !req
1930. The two of us
just made...
Copy !req
1931. One million!
One million!
Copy !req
1932. - One million dollars!
- Ah!
Copy !req
1933. - Hail Satan!
- I'm crypto
rich, bitch!
Copy !req
1934. I just cashed out
$100,000 just to
flex and buy sex.
Copy !req
1935. - Here, take that.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1936. What're you gonna
do with your
money, Big E?
Copy !req
1937. I'll never be able
to earn my place
behind this counter
Copy !req
1938. but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
Copy !req
1939. - blood money.
- Oh!
Copy !req
1940. Now, get the hell
out of our store!
Copy !req
1941. Well played, clerks.
Copy !req
1942. Sorry about
the mess.
Copy !req
1943. That was from
Star Wars.
Copy !req
1944. I only said it
'cause you
and Mr. Dante
Copy !req
1945. used to talk
about Star Wars.
I know.
Copy !req
1946. Long time ago.
Copy !req
1947. In a galaxy
far, far away...
Copy !req
1948. Holy fuck,
that's a lot
of money.
Copy !req
1949. You wanna buy
some weed?
Copy !req
1950. Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!
Copy !req
1951. Here's ten grand.
Copy !req
1952. Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher
Copy !req
1953. than Godzilla's
asshole.
Copy !req
1954. Yo, where those
kites at?
Copy !req
1955. Right this way,
valued customer.
Copy !req
1956. Aye-yi-yi.
Copy !req
1957. I wish you were
here, man.
Copy !req
1958. From New Jersey
Copy !req
1959. That great big hair
Copy !req
1960. In shopping malls
Copy !req
1961. Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,
Copy !req
1962. and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip
Copy !req
1963. to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.
Copy !req
1964. Um... This time's
exciting for me
Copy !req
1965. because this time everyone
finally gets to see Clerks
Copy !req
1966. the way I've always
seen Clerks.
Copy !req
1967. Most people think that Clerks
is a black and white movie
Copy !req
1968. and they're right.
It was shot on black
and white film.
Copy !req
1969. But, to me,
whenever I watch Clerks,
Copy !req
1970. even though
it's in black and white,
Copy !req
1971. the movie appears in color.
Copy !req
1972. Because I lived that life.
Copy !req
1973. And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
Copy !req
1974. you're all seein' QuickStop
and the surrounding area,
Copy !req
1975. uh, Dante, Randal,
Jay and Silent Bob
Copy !req
1976. as I've always seen them
from day one.
Copy !req
1977. Um, in vivid, living color.
Copy !req
1978. Uh, you know, QuickStop
is the unsung, uh, star
Copy !req
1979. of all the Clerks movies,
if not,
Copy !req
1980. you know, the epicenter
Copy !req
1981. of the View Askewniverse
films in general.
Copy !req
1982. Um, all stories emanate
Copy !req
1983. and flow from that
little building.
Copy !req
1984. And when I worked there...
Copy !req
1985. um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.
Copy !req
1986. I didn't wanna work
for somebody else
Copy !req
1987. and I didn't wanna work there.
Copy !req
1988. And people would come in
Copy !req
1989. and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
Copy !req
1990. "I have to actually
wait on people?
Copy !req
1991. "I just wanna watch TV."
Copy !req
1992. I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.
Copy !req
1993. I tried to get a job
at RST Video.
Copy !req
1994. There was an ad
in the paper for it.
Copy !req
1995. I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.
Copy !req
1996. He said... He goes,
"I see you have
Copy !req
1997. "convenience store
experience as well."
Copy !req
1998. I said, "Yeah,
I worked in a bunch
of convenience stores."
Copy !req
1999. And he goes,
"Would you be
willing to work
Copy !req
2000. "in this convenience
store next door
Copy !req
2001. "from time to time because
we own that as well?"
Copy !req
2002. And I was like, "Uh, yeah,
if you need help."
Copy !req
2003. And, uh, famous last
words because it...
Copy !req
2004. it was a convenience
store job.
Copy !req
2005. He catfished me.
I just wound up
Copy !req
2006. working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...
Copy !req
2007. in a video store,
teased with paradise,
Copy !req
2008. then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.
Copy !req
2009. So in Clerks, Randal says,
Copy !req
2010. "Man, this job would be great
Copy !req
2011. "if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."
Copy !req
2012. Uh, but in the script
for Clerks III,
Copy !req
2013. I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there
Copy !req
2014. that I didn't use
in the movie.
Copy !req
2015. During the pullback shot
Copy !req
2016. at the very end,
you hear John Gorka's
Copy !req
2017. beautiful
I'm From New Jersey.
Copy !req
2018. And it was so lovely,
Copy !req
2019. I left that moment alone
and didn't put in
Copy !req
2020. what in the script called
for, the voice of Smod.
Copy !req
2021. That would be me.
And this is what you
would have heard.
Copy !req
2022. "Randal Graves spent
the rest of his life
Copy !req
2023. "running QuickStop Groceries
Copy !req
2024. "whenever he wasn't
making movies,
Copy !req
2025. "with each film
financed solely
Copy !req
2026. "by Crimson Crypto Studios.
Copy !req
2027. "At a screening
of his final film,
Copy !req
2028. "the Asbury Park Press
asked him
Copy !req
2029. "to sum up
a life spent satisfying
Copy !req
2030. "both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda
Copy !req
2031. "as well as their appetite
for the many movies
Copy !req
2032. "he made after
his celebrated
debut, Clerk.
Copy !req
2033. "The 90-year-old
Randal Graves replied,
Copy !req
2034. "'I always thought that jobs
would have been great
Copy !req
2035. "'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.
Copy !req
2036. "'But as it turns out,
Copy !req
2037. "'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"
Copy !req
2038. He means it and so do I.
Copy !req
2039. Thank you to everybody
Copy !req
2040. whoever walked through
the door of that store
Copy !req
2041. and made me think,
Copy !req
2042. "Somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."
Copy !req
2043. Somebody did. Thank you.
Copy !req
2044. Yeah!
Copy !req