Clerks II (2006)

1. Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop.

2. Yeah.

3. Terrorists?

4. I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?

5. Shit!

6. Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck

7. when my mom's home?

8. So, ready for your big last day?

9. I am.

10. When do you and your old lady head down to Florida?

11. Tomorrow morning.

12. Car's all packed up.

13. You gonna do anything crazy

14. before you leave New Jersey forever?

15. How long have you known me?

16. If I were you, I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"

17. across the side of the building in huge letters.

18. Why?

19. Let 'em know you were there, man.

20. I'd rather let them know I'm not an asshole.

21. Too late for that.

22. I'm really gonna miss you, man.

23. I can't believe they haven't done anything with it yet.

24. The Lord did something with it.

25. He smited that hellhole.

26. Listen to you.

27. Do you mean to tell me

28. you don't miss that place at all?

29. God, no.

30. Do you?

31. Of course not.

32. Get the fuck out of here!

33. You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life

34. instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit.

35. Like, maybe be an animal doctor.

36. Why not me?

37. I like seals and shit.

38. Or maybe an astronaut.

39. Yeah.

40. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy

41. or find a new alien life-form...

42. and fuck it.

43. And people'd be like, "There he goes.

44. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

45. Holy shit.

46. Our first customer since our triumphant return.

47. Act cool.

48. Hold on.

49. Yeah, you guys holdin'?

50. Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.

51. What?

52. How about a nickel bag, man?

53. [sing-songy] Oh, 15 bucks, little man.

54. Put that shit in my hand.

55. He likes to sing.

56. So, uh, I haven't seen you guys in a while, man.

57. Where you been all this time?

58. Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car,

59. we're cruising down to the Boardwalk...

60. fucking Middletown cop pulls us over

61. for Suspicion of Mischief.

62. What the fuck does that mean?

63. We were driving around with a deployed airbag.

64. The cops pull us over.

65. They find two pounds of Jamaican lambswool.

66. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime,

67. but the judge gives us rehab instead.

68. Shit, rehab?

69. Yup-yup.

70. - How long were you in? - Six months, sir.

71. We got six months and two days on the wagon

72. as a good friend of Bill W.'s.

73. Check it out.

74. Just got it two days ago, before we got out.

75. Yeah, but if you're holding all the time,

76. aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?

77. Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.

78. Is that a fuckin' Bible?

79. Hey, hey, the Holy fuckin' Bible, son!

80. What the fuck kind of songbird Jesus-freak dealer

81. did you bring me to?

82. I like them, man. They're funny.

83. They're fuckin' stupid.

84. You should read your Bible, sirs.

85. You'll find all types of weird shit in there.

86. Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?

87. Yeah.

88. I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,

89. and we're almost out of hash browns.

90. Hold on.

91. Now, Randal!

92. What are you writing over there, anyway,

93. your memoirs?

94. I'm battling

95. this jackass on his blog's message board.

96. About what?

97. On how he's got too much free time and no life.

98. So does the guy who's flaming him on his Web site.

99. I can't help it. The guy pisses me off.

100. It's this fuck in a wheelchair

101. that's always preying on everyone's sympathies,

102. writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again

103. and how walkers should appreciate the blessings

104. of their functioning legs.

105. That diatribe, as you call it,

106. sounds like some poor crippled guy

107. pouring out his heart and feelings.

108. Oh, fuck him, man.

109. Trying to guilt me into walking around more

110. because he's all gimped out?

111. What kind of mind-fuck is that shit?

112. So I've been getting into it with him,

113. throwing it back in his stupid crippy-boy face

114. about how I love to just sit around

115. and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.

116. The guy's in a wheelchair.

117. Yeah. That's why I called him crippy-boy.

118. Have a good one.

119. You fuckin' freak.

120. I'm not even gonna point out the irony here.

121. What's the matter with you?

122. What'd I do now?

123. There's a crippled guy who found a way

124. to reach out to a world he feels isolated from,

125. and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.

126. Sure, take his side.

127. Have you become so embittered

128. that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?

129. What handicap?

130. The guy's just in a wheelchair.

131. It's not like he's Anne Frank or something.

132. Anne Frank?

133. Yeah, Anne Frank, the chick that was all...

134. till the miracle worker showed up

135. and knocked some smarts into her.

136. You're talking

137. about Helen Keller.

138. No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank.

139. She was deaf, dumb and blind.

140. No, she wasn't.

141. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.

142. Are you sure?

143. Yup.

144. Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

145. Anne Frank's the little Jewish girl

146. who hid from the Nazis

147. in a secret room with her family.

148. She wrote a diary.

149. Oh, yeah.

150. Well, then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank,

151. what with the diary, you know?

152. No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!

153. You always got to be right, don't you?

154. You Nazi douche bag.

155. What? What do you want?

156. No, we don't serve Cow Tippers in the morning.

157. Freedom Toast is a possibility.

158. Oh, we totally do.

159. All right, that'll be $12.64.

160. Avert your eyes, you perv.

161. That's not very hygienic.

162. That's all I'm gonna tell you.

163. Emma, are you like this

164. 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?

165. You just had to tell him, didn't you?

166. It kind of came out one day.

167. He says it's so big,

168. it's almost like a little cock...

169. which says all kinds of weird things about him

170. that I don't even want to think about.

171. You wouldn't want to be with a girl

172. with an oversized clit?

173. No, 'cause the next stop is a guy with an undersized dick.

174. You're a little hard.

175. 'Cause you're a little close to me.

176. I can pull back, if you want.

177. Can we pull back into our own apartment in Florida again?

178. Really? Goddamn it, Dante.

179. How many times are we gonna have

180. this fucking conversation?

181. There is no point in getting an apartment anymore.

182. My mother has pretty much told us

183. that she's gonna get us a house as a wedding gift.

184. Your parents' generosity

185. just makes me a little uncomfortable, Em.

186. They're giving us a house.

187. Your dad's giving me one of his car washes to run.

188. It just feels weird.

189. Babe, it just feels weird because you're so used

190. to life shitting on you all the time.

191. What the fuck does that mean?

192. All I'm saying is that suddenly,

193. you have a woman that loves you,

194. a new job opportunity

195. and a fantastic life to look forward to, right?

196. You got to face it, tiger: You hit the jackpot.

197. What's up?

198. Something wrong?

199. Nope.

200. Just saw you guys talking.

201. Thought I'd come out here and join you.

202. God, it must be nice to have a job

203. with so much downtime.

204. Downtime's important.

205. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouth-breathers

206. nonstop, without a break,

207. I'd put my head in the deep fryer.

208. Balls, too.

209. Do you really want

210. to sit here and watch me and my fiancé make out?

211. - Are you that much of a loser? - Not really.

212. I was actually gonna ask you two to knock it off

213. while I was out here.

214. I don't fucking understand why you can't be happy

215. for your best friend.

216. He finally found a woman who loves him.

217. Like you even register as a chick to me.

218. You might as well be a dude.

219. Really?

220. Yeah. You're my best friend's girlfriend.

221. You became persona non-nookie to me

222. the moment he started diddling your pooter.

223. So thinking of me in terms of being a girl

224. kind of creeps you out, does it?

225. Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl.

226. I don't think of you in any way...

227. Oh, that was just wrong.

228. If you don't get the fuck out of here

229. so that I can spend some quality time with my man,

230. next, I'm gonna show you my pooter.

231. Why would you want to do something like that?

232. All right, all right, I'm leaving!

233. Jesus!

234. What'd you do that for?

235. You realize he just thinks you're trying

236. to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?

237. Yeah, right. With Graves?

238. That man's a total fucking Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.

239. Hey!

240. You talk tough, but when we're crossing the state line,

241. I bet you get all sentimental for Jersey

242. and squirt a few tears.

243. Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.

244. Jersey sucks,

245. and we are surrounded by morons.

246. On that note, I'm gonna go.

247. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're leaving?

248. Yeah, I've got a ton of stuff to do

249. before we leave in the morning, but I love you.

250. I love you, too.

251. Bye.

252. Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants

253. to get you and me together in a three-way.

254. Ow.

255. Dude, how old are you?

256. You know I'm 19, Randal.

257. You wouldn't work for me last week, remember?

258. 'Cause you said working on my birthday

259. would help me build character.

260. Well, at least you spelled "cock" right this time.

261. Why the fuck are you still getting rides

262. from your mother?

263. And even worse,

264. what the fuck are you kissing her good-bye for?

265. What is she, your fuckin' prom date?

266. You're not gonna bother me today, Randal.

267. I'm in too good a mood.

268. Because your mom slipped you the tongue?

269. No, because I just read online that there's gonna be

270. a live-action Transformers movie.

271. And?

272. Well... I mean, as you know,

273. my online handle is Optimus Prime.

274. I know that. I wish I didn't.

275. Well, so not only is it awesome

276. that there's gonna be a live-action Transformers movie,

277. but I'm, like, positioned or whatever

278. with the best possible Net handle and e-mail address

279. for when the movie comes out.

280. Oh, you're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man.

281. Don't be gross.

282. Says the guy who was just playing

283. tonsil hockey with his mother.

284. Mr. Dante!

285. Leave Elias alone, Randal!

286. Don't look at his wee-wee.

287. Dude, the Transformers sucked.

288. Oh, no, they didn't.

289. They were more than meets the eye.

290. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.

291. Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right

292. - about that or not. - Ow.

293. I thought you weren't even allowed to watch a lot of TV

294. in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit.

295. Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks

296. that turn into...

297. robots aren't really that blasphemous,

298. because my pastor says

299. that machines can turn into other machines,

300. and it's not a sleight against God.

301. Transformers were a total sleight against God,

302. inasmuch as God sent His only begotten son

303. to die on the cross to redeem mankind,

304. and all we did to pay him back

305. was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

306. Nice shot.

307. Well, 'cause at Bible camp, we made this flow chart which...

308. I mean, I don't know,

309. kind of, like, proved or whatever that...

310. Well, OK...

311. Bible camp?

312. Since God created...

313. Since God created man,

314. and man created the Transformers...

315. the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal.

316. No, sir. They are not a gift from God.

317. They are an unholy curse

318. from the beast we call the Desolate One.

319. I don't really want to hear this, Randal.

320. The first of the fallen,

321. the spoiler of virgins,

322. the master of abortions!

323. You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal.

324. [in high-pitched voice] ♪ Let me help you

325. [Jay/Randal] ♪ Laughing insane...

326. Oh...

327. Oh, what the fuck was that?

328. What?

329. That wave.

330. I saw Becky, so I waved.

331. She'll be in here in 20 seconds.

332. And?

333. And you've got to greet her

334. before she gets in here, you fuckin' ass-kiss?

335. What's that all about?

336. It's called friendship.

337. She's your boss.

338. You can't be friends with your boss.

339. No, you can't be friends with your boss.

340. I like my boss.

341. I think there's something going on

342. between you two.

343. You're crazy.

344. You spend an awful lot of time talking to her.

345. I spend an awful lot of time talking to you, too.

346. And I've always maintained

347. you're harboring an unrequited homosexual crush on me.

348. We're just friends.

349. That's what I keep telling you.

350. No, you idiot, me and Becks.

351. "Becks"?

352. I knew it.

353. You're fucking around with the boss.

354. Yeah, that's why I'm moving to Florida with my fiancée.

355. Why would you want to fuck around

356. with a chick your own age, man?

357. If you've got to sow some of your wild oats,

358. there's all these fine young chicks

359. that stop in here after school.

360. First off, I'm not cheating on my fiancée.

361. Secondly, if I was cheating on my fiancée,

362. it wouldn't be with a teenager.

363. Why not?

364. The best part of this job

365. is all the barely-legal pussy that comes in here.

366. And they all look up to me,

367. 'cause I've got a driver's license.

368. It's awesome. You're 33.

369. You show me one 33-year-old chick

370. who's as buck-wild in bed

371. as her 17-year-old counterpart.

372. 17-year-olds nowadays are crazy.

373. They're up for anything.

374. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.

375. Oh... my... God.

376. What?

377. Are you serious?

378. I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.

379. You never go ass to mouth.

380. It's never my idea.

381. These young girls today get all horned up,

382. and they tell you to go ass to mouth.

383. You never go ass to mouth, Randal!

384. You sound like my mom.

385. Becks, do you ever go ass to mouth?

386. You never go ass to mouth.

387. You've never gone ass to mouth?

388. You never go ass to mouth.

389. I've never gone ass to mouth.

390. Not even once?

391. Not even ever.

392. You're both so repressed.

393. All right, look,

394. I know you've given a blow job, right?

395. I haven't even put my purse down yet.

396. That's a yes.

397. And I know you've gone down on chicks.

398. What's your point?

399. Well,

400. when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts

401. of your lover, you kiss him, right?

402. That's just like going ass to mouth.

403. OK, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.

404. And?

405. Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?

406. That's an Elias job.

407. That comparison of pink and brown eyes

408. just made it a Randal job.

409. Zing!

410. Shut the fuck up, Go Bot.

411. I could probably sue this whole corporation right now

412. for sexual harassment.

413. You're just making me restock the napkin holders

414. because of my firmly held beliefs

415. on the subject of ass to mouth.

416. You never go ass to mouth!

417. Would you grow up?

418. All right, I'm gonna tell you this

419. 'cause we're friends...

420. but sometimes, in the heat of the moment,

421. it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.

422. I knew it.

423. I'm fuckin' bored, man!

424. And boredom's the first step on the road to relapse.

425. Oh!

426. Would you fuck me?

427. I'd fuck me.

428. I'd fuck me hard.

429. Shit.

430. Well, hello, Miss Scott.

431. Well, here he is, the escape artist.

432. I'm not gone yet.

433. Please. You've been gone for the last month.

434. When do you guys leave?

435. Well, we start driving tomorrow morning.

436. Oh, uh, I left you the forwarding address

437. for my last check on the calendar there.

438. So you did.

439. That's her parents's house, right?

440. Yes, but only until the wedding.

441. And then, from what I hear,

442. her parents are giving us a house.

443. Nice!

444. So I guess dowries are making a comeback.

445. Oh, yeah.

446. Her dad sweetened the pot with two fatted calves

447. and a goat.

448. I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.

449. Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.

450. I still can't believe

451. you're just gonna leave me alone in this place...

452. with Randal Graves, of all people.

453. Quit.

454. Move to Florida.

455. You could work at the car wash with me.

456. Wow, you make it sound so tempting.

457. How can I say no?

458. Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a fucking car wash in Florida.

459. Like it's any worse than this place.

460. Hurl the insults all you want, buddy man.

461. As soon as my uncle's on his feet again,

462. it's not like I'm gonna be staying here.

463. - Hey, how's he doing? - A lot better.

464. It only took two years and a shitload of chemo,

465. but... his red cell count's almost back to normal.

466. That's great.

467. Yeah, it's great for me, too.

468. Couple of weeks in this crap shack

469. turned into a couple of years a little too quickly.

470. But, Hicks, we can sit here

471. making small talk about your last day

472. and what it is I'm going to do once you're gone,

473. or we can treat this like any other workday.

474. Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

475. Randal.

476. One ring to rule them all.

477. And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.

478. I never wondered that.

479. Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact

480. that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.

481. I could get a chick if I wanted.

482. Who are you kidding?

483. You can't get a chick, you mook.

484. You're too weird and sad.

485. I turn down chicks left and right.

486. Your chicks are your "left" and "right."

487. Yeah, right. What do you know?

488. Uh, I know you're a huge fuckin' nerd

489. of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds,

490. especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.

491. Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.

492. Yeah. The kind of chicks

493. that are into swords and elves and shit,

494. and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.

495. Oh, you're so gross!

496. Hey, man.

497. Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?

498. Yeah, um...

499. let's see.

500. Give me one Udderly Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,

501. Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.

502. "One ring to rule them all."

503. "One ring to find them."

504. Oh, Jesus.

505. "One ring to bring them all."

506. "And in the darkness bind them."

507. Yes! Dude!

508. How many times?

509. Well, um, three for Fellowship,

510. two for Towers,

511. four for Return.

512. Five for Return.

513. Dude!

514. All right, look,

515. there's only one Return, OK,

516. and it ain't of the king... it's of the Jedi.

517. Oh, Star Wars geek.

518. Oh, I'm the geek?

519. Look at you two, whipping out your preciouses.

520. You'll have to excuse him.

521. He's not "down" with the trilogy.

522. Oh, what the fuck happened to this world?

523. There's only one trilogy,

524. you fucking morons.

525. You know what?

526. Maybe we should start calling your friend Padme,

527. because he loves Mannequin Skywalker

528. so much, right?

529. "Danger, danger.

530. "My name is Anakin.

531. My shitty acting is ruining saga."

532. Yeah. Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

533. Oh, I'm crazy?

534. Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell.

535. All it was was a bunch of people walking.

536. Three movies of people walking to a fuckin' volcano.

537. Here's the first movie.

538. And here's the second movie.

539. He is way off. Loser.

540. You ready for the third movie?

541. Fuckin' A.

542. Even the fuckin' trees walked in those movies.

543. You know what?

544. I've had enough of you.

545. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside,

546. The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement that

547. even the Academy recognized

548. when they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar...

549. an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never

550. and will never win.

551. Bones.

552. Oh, sick burn.

553. Let me tell you something.

554. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away

555. with those "Rings" movies, he would've ended the third one

556. on the logical closure point,

557. not the 25 endings that followed.

558. What's the logical closure point?

559. Yeah, friend,

560. enlighten us.

561. When fucking Frito wakes up from his little coma or whatever,

562. and the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed,

563. and Sam leans in the doorway

564. and gives him that very fuckin' gay look.

565. Not the Rings, Randal.

566. Say what you will about Jesus,

567. but leave the Rings out of this.

568. I am gonna kick your ass back to the Shire

569. if you don't shut your fuckin' mouth.

570. That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell

571. the little hobbits to take a walk

572. so he could saunter over to Frodo

573. and suck his fuckin' cock.

574. Now, that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

575. Hey, faggot, they're not gay. They're hobbits.

576. And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest,

577. right before the credits roll,

578. Sam fucking flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

579. I swear...

580. Fuck you!

581. I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard,

582. it made some super-geek puke all over the counter.

583. Where do we keep the mop and bucket

584. so I can have Elias clean it up?

585. In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.

586. We have cleaning products?

587. Why does it smell so weird in here?

588. Buh-bye.

589. I'm on to you.

590. You know he's not gonna make it here long

591. once you're not here to protect him anymore, don't you?

592. Well, you're the one out there encouraging him,

593. advocating ass to mouth.

594. I wasn't advocating it, you big prude.

595. I just said it was fine once in a while.

596. Like you wouldn't do it if Emma told you to.

597. Christ, no!

598. Oh, I thought love knew no bounds.

599. Ew. That came off kind of catty, didn't it?

600. A little daytime soapish, yeah.

601. I'm sorry.

602. I don't know why I said that.

603. I actually kind of like Emma.

604. So do I.

605. So that's why you're getting married!

606. I can't wait until you get engaged,

607. so I can bust your balls as hard as you've busted mine.

608. You're going to be waiting a long time, sir.

609. Oh, that's right. I forgot.

610. You're the cold-hearted ice princess

611. that doesn't believe in marriage.

612. I'm not saying that it's not all right for you,

613. but, yes, I do think

614. that marriage goes against our primal nature.

615. To be loved?

616. To fuck as much as possible...

617. spread the seed around and keep the species going.

618. And all that shit they feed us in the movies

619. and greeting cards is just propaganda

620. to get us to marry, have kids and keep the economy going.

621. Marriage is just the keystone to economics.

622. You're such a sappy girl.

623. - Mm. - Are you trying to tell me

624. you don't believe in love, Beckalah?

625. In romantic love,

626. no.

627. Like, I love my parents.

628. I love my car. I love you.

629. But romantic love, hearts and flowers,

630. "There's only one person out there for me"?

631. Come on, you know how many people there are out there?

632. Odds are there's always going

633. to be someone who's a better match for you

634. than the person you end up marrying.

635. So based on your theory,

636. there's someone out there better for me than Emma.

637. Oh, no, I'm not touching that one.

638. Wait a second.

639. You don't think I really love her?

640. I think...

641. you love what she represents.

642. Which is...?

643. Come on, Dante, she was the girl who wouldn't give you

644. the time of day back in high school.

645. And years later, after she's played the field

646. and realized how unsatisfying the so-called "hotties" are,

647. she's finally gone with someone who looks...

648. Oh, my God,

649. you're gonna say "fugly," aren't you?

650. Unconventional!

651. Ah, nice backpedal.

652. Thank you.

653. It took her a few years

654. to finally figure out that thing

655. that every mother tries to teach their little girl

656. but she has to learn on her own,

657. and that's that guys that look like you

658. have a lot more to offer, because you'll always

659. try harder than the pretty boy.

660. What am I, some hideous fucking CHUD over here?

661. No, you're a catch... kind of.

662. And Emma's a catch, too.

663. 'Cause not only is she pretty, but...

664. she'll make all your decisions for you.

665. Which is lucky, because you're pretty terrible

666. at making decisions.

667. So my last day is all about you telling me

668. what an ugly, indecisive loser I am?

669. Come on, you worked at Quick Stop

670. for, like, a decade,

671. and you've been here for a year almost,

672. and since day one at both jobs,

673. all you've ever said is how you needed

674. to get out and start your life.

675. And it wasn't until Emma walked through the door and was,

676. like, "Come down to Florida with me,

677. "and I'll fuck your brains out,

678. and my daddy will give you a job, and blah-blah,"

679. that you actually went and did something about it.

680. And I get it... it's...

681. she's your golden ticket, dude.

682. So, uh...

683. what's that make you?

684. I'm just the girl who fucks ugly, indecisive losers

685. in the kitchen once this place is closed.

686. That's me.

687. [DJ] That's something for the lovers out there.

688. J-RAM Radio. Right around high noon...

689. So, we're never gonna talk about it, are we?

690. What is there to say?

691. Do you regret it?

692. Do you?

693. I regret that it was on the prep station table.

694. Yeah, you regret it... you weren't the one

695. who got mayo in your cooch.

696. What do you want me to say?

697. We were drunk, you know?

698. It just kind of happened.

699. You're just lucky

700. I'm not one of those monogamists like your girlfriend.

701. Otherwise, I might try to make you stay in Jersey.

702. If anyone could do it, it'd be you.

703. Dude, your old lady's out here looking for you.

704. Yeah.

705. Come outside with me. I've got a surprise for you.

706. That's my surprise?

707. No.

708. Hey.

709. Oh.

710. So, um...

711. are you looking for a good Transformers site?

712. Because at Cars To Bots.com,

713. you can get an avatar

714. that's your picture morphed to look like a robot.

715. Come on, man.

716. You know I only surf Transformers sites

717. when there's girls around, so they can see how cool I am.

718. So what are you doing then?

719. Trying to secure a going away present for Mr. Dante.

720. Really?

721. Well, how about an Arwen sword replica?

722. What?

723. Uh...

724. 'Cause it's, like, thoughtful and practical.

725. I was thinking of something a little more sexy.

726. Well, what's sexier than an elf princess's sword?

727. A donkey show.

728. What's that?

729. You ever see a chick give a mule a blow job?

730. Oh, no...!

731. Shh...!

732. Jesus!

733. If you spoil this, I'm gonna brain you.

734. You gonna keep your mouth shut?

735. Yes.

736. God.

737. That's bestiality, Randal.

738. At its finest, I hope.

739. Who'd want to see something like that?

740. Me, Dante, you.

741. I don't want to see something like that.

742. Why would you want to see something like that?

743. Because it's fucked up.

744. And I want to see

745. if a chick with a mouthful of donkey spunk swallows.

746. All right, here we go.

747. "Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.

748. "Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana,

749. "Kelly's taking it on the road.

750. Taking it in the ass, that is."

751. You got to give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.

752. Do they show pictures?

753. Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.

754. Really?

755. Ow.

756. Let me borrow your cell phone.

757. Whoa.

758. Well, 'cause, I'm only supposed to use it

759. to call my parents in case of an emergency.

760. This is an emergency.

761. We got to lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight,

762. so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send-off.

763. You love Mr. Dante, don't you?

764. In a non-gay way.

765. Then give me your phone.

766. 'Cause Mr. Dante's never seen a donkey show.

767. And it'd be nice to give him this before he goes off

768. to Florida and gets married and does all those other things

769. that prevent a guy from ever seeing

770. a fucked-up donkey show in his lifetime.

771. Hello.

772. Uh, I was hoping to schedule Kinky Kelly for a performance.

773. Tonight.

774. OK.

775. I'm on hold.

776. Fingers crossed.

777. We should probably cross dicks, too.

778. No.

779. Work, work, work.

780. That's all you ever think about, Hicks.

781. Hey, Becks.

782. Hey, Emma.

783. Great shirt.

784. Isn't it? I love it.

785. What I love even more are these.

786. These came in early,

787. and I just had to come back and show Dante.

788. And give you yours, of course.

789. And I have one for Randal, I guess.

790. What is it?

791. Look, I know it's three months away,

792. but it would mean so much to us if you could make the trip down.

793. Well... yeah.

794. Uh, I wouldn't miss it.

795. I thought we were waiting till we got down there

796. before we picked a date.

797. Oh, him is so cute.

798. Him thinking again, huh?

799. If we left anything up to these jackals,

800. nothing would ever get done, would it?

801. I'm just teasing.

802. Guess you got to make their decisions for 'em sometimes.

803. All right, I've got it.

804. I will see you then.

805. Thank you.

806. My friend, tonight,

807. we bring a bit of TJ to the Jersey 'burbs.

808. Well, I don't know about this, Randal.

809. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax?

810. Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?

811. Strangely, no.

812. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey,

813. you've seen them all.

814. Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics

815. of anything like that?

816. Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank.

817. 'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection

818. if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures

819. of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

820. Ho-ly shit.

821. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now.

822. You're a virgin, aren't you?

823. You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.

824. Oh, yeah.

825. What's her name again?

826. Myra Hodgkiss.

827. You made her up, didn't you?

828. That name sounds so made-up.

829. No.

830. Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?

831. Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.

832. Come on!

833. I tell you about my sex life all the time.

834. I let you smell my fingers

835. after I fucked Taton Weathers' kid sister

836. in the office that one time, didn't I?

837. You kind of made me smell your fingers.

838. Maybe you just don't like the pussy.

839. Maybe you're all about the cock.

840. No, no, I like the pussy.

841. So come on.

842. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?

843. Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal,

844. but she can't.

845. Why?

846. Jesus, Elias, come on.

847. You got to start trusting me more.

848. Because once Dante's gone,

849. you're gonna be my new best friend.

850. No, I'm not.

851. Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with?

852. It's gonna be you and me, buddy.

853. So come on.

854. You got to start trusting me more.

855. Open up and tell me shit.

856. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?

857. Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.

858. What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

859. Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.

860. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.

861. Duh.

862. You know how every girl's parents

863. put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young

864. to keep them from having premarital sex?

865. Sure.

866. Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants.

867. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me,

868. Myra says if I put my thing in her,

869. Pillow Pants will bite it off.

870. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants

871. gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday

872. before we can have sex.

873. And Myra told you this?

874. Boyfriends and girlfriends

875. talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal.

876. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.

877. Have you and Myra even kissed yet?

878. We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

879. Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?

880. Women.

881. I'll be right back.

882. You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.

883. Look who it is, Randal.

884. Randal Graves.

885. You work here, too?

886. Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?

887. Well, well, well...

888. Pickle Fucker.

889. Man, look at you two fun-ployees.

890. Nothing's changed.

891. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts,

892. when you two aren't fighting

893. about who shot first, Han or Greedo,

894. you can still muster up enough energy

895. to make fun of other people.

896. Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here,

897. so we can make fun of you.

898. Oh, I don't know if you're in a position

899. to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves.

900. 32 and you're flipping burgers?

901. Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop

902. for, what, like, ten years?

903. We can't all be Internet millionaires.

904. Who's an Internet millionaire?

905. Elias, this is Lance Dowds.

906. We went to high school together.

907. A few years ago,

908. he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices

909. of merchandise you can buy online.

910. You might have heard of it... Mad Ducketts.com.

911. Didn't that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?

912. Yeah, but back before

913. he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle Fucker.

914. You see, freshman year,

915. the seniors would hunt us down and put us through

916. what they called initiations.

917. They'd stuff us into lockers

918. or throw us in the girls' shower room naked.

919. But Lance here got the worst of it.

920. The seniors yanked down his pants,

921. and shoved a pickle up his ass,

922. and made him walk ten feet.

923. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark.

924. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.

925. Ew...

926. Yeah, but don't worry... he made it.

927. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged

928. after only four bites.

929. I'll bet you're the only guy in the world

930. who still remembers that, Graves.

931. Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly...

932. Pickle Fucker.

933. Do you have any interest

934. in building the ultimate fan site

935. for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers?

936. Because I'd moderate it for free.

937. Ease up, Pillow Pants.

938. The dude's not into your D&D, Go Bots bullshit.

939. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

940. Don't insult the guy.

941. The Go Bots are like the Kmart of Transformers.

942. Thank you!

943. I keep telling them that.

944. Here, here's my e-mail address.

945. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.

946. Cool.

947. OK, let's see.

948. What do I want?

949. Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?

950. I'll get your order.

951. Here you go.

952. Well, that was fast.

953. And fresh.

954. Thanks. Come again.

955. Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

956. You know what?

957. Take mine.

958. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?

959. Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.

960. Yo, so Pickle Fucker gave us free eats!

961. You know, I don't eat fast food.

962. It's not good for you.

963. But when I heard you guys were actually working here,

964. well, I just had to see it for myself.

965. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time.

966. Just like it's kind of comforting to know

967. that some things never change.

968. Take care, clerks.

969. Ooh, sick burn.

970. Fuck this.

971. Let me borrow your car.

972. You're supposed to be working.

973. I got to get out of here for a few minutes.

974. Let me borrow your car.

975. Elias, tell Becky we'll be right back.

976. Where we going?

977. You know, this tastes like piss and flies, don't it?

978. Sure you want to do this?

979. Oh, yeah.

980. This will make me feel better.

981. Here's what I don't understand about you.

982. You have a license, you can drive a grown-up car.

983. But when you ride the go-carts,

984. you somehow feel better about yourself.

985. Look, it just centers me, all right?

986. Kind of the way jerking off at work centers you.

987. I only did it that one time.

988. And it wasn't to center me.

989. Yeah, it was to come.

990. Well, I don't know about you, but coming centers me.

991. Then why did we have to leave work,

992. so we can ride the go-carts to clear your head?

993. Well, I don't want to jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom.

994. What if a customer comes in

995. and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong?

996. Suddenly, I'm fighting him off

997. as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth.

998. The most likeliest of scenarios.

999. Man, that shit Lance said must have really bothered you.

1000. Oh, fuck him.

1001. He's an asshole. He always was.

1002. I'm sorry I let him bug me even for a second.

1003. At least I got a go-cart trip out of it.

1004. Why do the go-carts help?

1005. I don't know.

1006. They just remind me of a better time in my life.

1007. Like when?

1008. Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.

1009. We're not that old.

1010. Yeah.

1011. But sometimes I get the feeling

1012. the world kind of left us behind a long time ago.

1013. You know...

1014. you can do something about that.

1015. I told you, I don't want to jerk off in the bathroom at work.

1016. No, I mean you can get out of Mooby's, too,

1017. completely change your situation in life.

1018. What'd be the point? Besides, why do you give a shit?

1019. You're leaving.

1020. Thanks, you guys, thanks.

1021. Come on!

1022. Oh, I'm sorry.

1023. Was that a number two you wanted?

1024. Yeah, and bovine-size it.

1025. $13.84.

1026. I need two Surlies and a Cow Tipper.

1027. I'm on it.

1028. How we set for fries?

1029. I don't think these look right.

1030. Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive.

1031. It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

1032. Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries?

1033. The machine does all the work.

1034. What's a machine got to transform

1035. into some giant fucking robot before you'll take it seriously?

1036. Go home.

1037. Will you just make some fries already?

1038. Look, I don't have all night.

1039. I'm sorry, ma'am.

1040. They need to get some Mexicans working in here.

1041. They'd be...

1042. They don't play around.

1043. I know it. Mexican made me lose my job.

1044. That motherfucker put a roof up in 30 seconds.

1045. Where the fuck did you guys go?

1046. You don't want to know.

1047. Well, I know it's your last day and all,

1048. but while you're still on the clock,

1049. can't you kind of pretend like you still give a shit?

1050. Don't blame this guy.

1051. Some cock stain that we went to high school with

1052. showed up to remind us that we're fucking failures,

1053. so I wanted to get out of here

1054. and blow off some steam, if you must know.

1055. Did he say "cock stain"?

1056. What the fuck is cock stain?

1057. I don't know... that's some white freaky stuff.

1058. White boys get the white women to do everything.

1059. You want to do a cock stain?

1060. Do you know how often I've had people come in here

1061. that I went to school with?

1062. Fuck, I had to take a fucking order off of a guy

1063. I blew after junior prom once.

1064. Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too... h'noop!

1065. I can't believe you.

1066. The smartest of smart asses got rattled

1067. by some fucking loser coming in here

1068. giving you shit about your McJob.

1069. Oh, fuck him, OK?

1070. Sooner or later, I'll do something with myself

1071. and make my mark.

1072. But until then, whatever I do is not a waste of time,

1073. it's all building toward something.

1074. How about you build towards making some fuckin' fries?

1075. They're coming!

1076. Remember, you saved.

1077. You don't use that kind of language.

1078. Ain't nobody from my church in here.

1079. I don't mind people snickering

1080. at the stupid uniform I've got to wear.

1081. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let

1082. some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here

1083. and treat me and Dante

1084. like we're a couple of fucking porch monkeys.

1085. Randal!

1086. Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...

1087. He didn't really just say what I think he said.

1088. - What? Porch monkeys? - Randal!

1089. What the fuck is wrong with you?

1090. I want my money back right now.

1091. Of course. Um, you know what?

1092. Here, take this on us.

1093. Oh, no, no, no.

1094. I'm not eating something that

1095. was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.

1096. I will.

1097. Baby, you can't taste racism.

1098. What racism? Porch monkeys?

1099. - You little mother... - Calm down, champ.

1100. It ain't worth it.

1101. You're lucky my husband doesn't

1102. jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.

1103. - Why? - Yeah, baby, why?

1104. I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys.

1105. Hey, hey!

1106. Baby, stop hitting on me!

1107. See, the judge told you about that.

1108. You got to stop putting your hands on people.

1109. Here, take this. This is your money.

1110. Please, take the food on us.

1111. - We're sorry. - Oh, uh-uh.

1112. I'm gonna write to the paper about this,

1113. and all y'all getting fired up in here.

1114. Jesus!

1115. I'm gonna take the food.

1116. Thank you very much.

1117. Damn!

1118. Fuckin' porch monkey...

1119. Thanks. Come again.

1120. Don't leave me, baby!

1121. Are you out of your fucking mind?

1122. What? What's the big deal?

1123. Since when is it a crime to say "porch monkey"?

1124. Oh, I don't know... since forever!

1125. - Why? - Because "porch monkey"

1126. is a racial slur against black people.

1127. No, it's not. "Nigger" is.

1128. Randal!

1129. Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

1130. Shut up, Elias!

1131. I didn't just call Dante a nigger.

1132. I just said that "nigger" is a racial slur.

1133. So is "porch monkey"!

1134. Oh, it is not.

1135. Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...

1136. those are racial slurs.

1137. "Porch monkey" is not.

1138. I am going to pretend like this conversation

1139. didn't happen.

1140. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess,

1141. and you are this close to getting shit-canned!

1142. Fuckin' shoot me now.

1143. What are you doing?

1144. Are you trying to get fired?

1145. Since when did "porch monkey" suddenly become a racial slur?

1146. When ignorant racists started saying it 100 years ago.

1147. Oh, bullshit.

1148. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time

1149. when I was a kid, because I'd sit on the porch

1150. and stare at my neighbors.

1151. Despite the fact

1152. that your grandmother might have used it

1153. as a term of endearment for you,

1154. it's still a racial slur.

1155. It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.

1156. Oh, it is not.

1157. Plus, my grandmother had

1158. nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community.

1159. When I was a kid, she told me to always treat

1160. the Jewish kids well, or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.

1161. What the fuck, man?

1162. What?

1163. "Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!

1164. Oh, it is not.

1165. Yes, it is!

1166. Well, she never called any Jews sheeny.

1167. She just used to say "sheeny curse" a lot.

1168. It was cute.

1169. It wasn't cute! It was racist!

1170. I disagree, man.

1171. She was just an old-timer.

1172. That's the way people talked back then.

1173. Didn't mean they were racists.

1174. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once

1175. as a nigger knife.

1176. You know, come to think of it,

1177. my grandmother was kind of a racist.

1178. You think?

1179. Well, I-I still don't think

1180. "porch monkey" should be considered a racial term.

1181. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people,

1182. not lazy black people.

1183. I think if we really tried,

1184. we could reclaim "porch monkey" and save it.

1185. It can't be saved, Randal.

1186. The sole purpose for its creation,

1187. the only reason it exists in the first place,

1188. is to disparage an entire race.

1189. And even if it could be saved,

1190. you can't save it, because you're not black!

1191. Well, listen to you.

1192. Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin?

1193. You're the racist.

1194. I'm taking it back. You watch.

1195. Hey.

1196. What can I get for you, you little porch monkey?

1197. It's cool. I'm taking it back.

1198. Hey.

1199. Hey.

1200. So, are you scared about getting married at all?

1201. Um...

1202. were we in the middle of a conversation

1203. I don't remember leaving?

1204. I was just thinking about it, and I was thinking

1205. that maybe you were waiting for some friend

1206. to try and stop you

1207. from going through with the wedding

1208. by asking if you're even ready to go and get married.

1209. So I'm asking.

1210. Are you scared about getting married?

1211. Well, kind of.

1212. I mean, I'm not scared of getting married, you know...

1213. I-I always wanted to get married one day...

1214. but I am scared of the wedding.

1215. Why?

1216. I don't know how to dance.

1217. You're kidding.

1218. I wish I was.

1219. You're about to tie your life to someone,

1220. someone who doesn't even really get you

1221. as well as your friends do,

1222. and what you're sweating is dancing at your reception?

1223. Well, I-I figure she'll eventually get me.

1224. I mean, you're married to someone long enough,

1225. they got to get you eventually, right?

1226. Are you kidding?

1227. My parents have been married for 35 years,

1228. and they still don't get each other.

1229. Emma's pretty, smart, happy, a good person...

1230. and for some strange reason, she loves me.

1231. I mean, what am I supposed to do,

1232. pass up on that because I have

1233. a few stupid doubts and some jitters?

1234. Besides, dancing at the reception's

1235. the more imperative concern at this point,

1236. because I only get,

1237. well, presumably, one chance to dance at my wedding.

1238. So, what, you can't slow dance?

1239. No. Anybody can slow dance,

1240. but this is one of the only times I've ever gonna meet

1241. most of Emma's extended family,

1242. and I'd like to be able to show some flair

1243. on the dance floor, you know?

1244. Like, make an impression so that maybe they'll see

1245. whatever it is that Emma sees in me

1246. instead of all feeling like I'm some burger-peddling loser

1247. who couldn't even bust a move.

1248. What?

1249. You're serious?

1250. Come on.

1251. Hey, 12-step!

1252. Jay!

1253. Lord?

1254. Up here, jackass.

1255. What the fuck are you doing up there?

1256. Yo, if you're gonna jump,

1257. let me get a crack at that pussy first.

1258. Let me find out.

1259. You still got your boom box?

1260. Play something, and turn it way up.

1261. Something danceable.

1262. Up here?

1263. Are you serious?

1264. You're gonna teach me to dance up here?

1265. What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?

1266. What customers?

1267. Shut up. Come over here.

1268. OK, get ready for the music.

1269. You feel it... here.

1270. Here it comes.

1271. Something a little less demonic, please!

1272. Thank you.

1273. Yes! OK, OK, um, just-just follow

1274. whatever it is I'm doing, OK?

1275. - Step forward... - All right.

1276. To your right.

1277. To your left.

1278. Turn to the right.

1279. OK, you really do suck. Sit down.

1280. Told you.

1281. Just watch me, all right?

1282. ♪ - Sit down, girl

1283. - ♪ Whoo! ♪ - A, B, C, it's easy

1284. I love you, Becky.

1285. I'm pregnant, Dante.

1286. Oh!

1287. I'm having second thoughts.

1288. About your sexuality?

1289. About going to Florida.

1290. Yeah, right.

1291. Why now, all of a sudden?

1292. Becky's pregnant.

1293. She is?

1294. Huh.

1295. So, what, are you afraid you're gonna miss the baby shower?

1296. I'm the father.

1297. This sucks, man.

1298. I have pelvic piss syndrome like a motherfucker,

1299. so be really fucking quiet.

1300. Ew, dude, don't try looking at my dick.

1301. - What the fuck? - What?

1302. Should we have left that guy in there?

1303. Oh, fuck him! How the fuck did you father a child

1304. with a chick that's not your fiancé?

1305. Holy shit!

1306. She got pregnant off the toilet seat

1307. you jerked off onto!

1308. I fucking knew it!

1309. No, we had sex one night after work, a few weeks ago.

1310. What? Where?

1311. Here, on the prep station table.

1312. Ew! That's my prep table.

1313. I don't know what to do.

1314. What did Beck say?

1315. She says she wants to have it.

1316. Oh, my God, so she wants you to break it off

1317. - with Emma and marry her? - No.

1318. She's gonna tell Emma?

1319. No!

1320. Wait a second... then what's the problem?

1321. - Are you that dense? - I'm serious.

1322. If Becks isn't busting your balls about it,

1323. what's the big deal?

1324. You could still go down to Florida

1325. and live happily ever after.

1326. Knowing I have a love child up in Jersey?

1327. How the fuck do you always have,

1328. like, two good-looking girls who want you?

1329. You're the most hideous fucking CHUD

1330. I've ever met, and you always have

1331. a pair of girls fighting over you.

1332. Listen, you can never tell anybody about this.

1333. Who am I gonna tell?

1334. I'm serious, Randal! And not just for me.

1335. Becky says she doesn't want anybody to know.

1336. Then what'd you tell me for?

1337. Look, you've fucked me over in the past,

1338. but this is huge.

1339. This is serious!

1340. Promise me that you'll keep your mouth shut,

1341. because if you fuck me over this time,

1342. I swear to God, I will beat the shit out of you.

1343. You and what army?

1344. I'm serious!

1345. I'm serious, too. You and what army?

1346. Promise me!

1347. All right! Get off of me, you nut!

1348. What the fuck?

1349. Can I talk to you for a minute?

1350. Oh, yeah, sure. Uh, we were just...

1351. May your first child be a masculine child.

1352. Becky!

1353. Randal!

1354. She was sweating me. It just came out.

1355. Ow! Shit!

1356. You swung at me!

1357. - You ducked! - Because you swung at me!

1358. Damn it!

1359. Where's Becky?

1360. She just left.

1361. I need help here, Mr. Dante.

1362. I can't wrap good, and Randal ate the last pickles.

1363. You fucking snitch.

1364. I'm sorry, Randal. I'm sorry.

1365. Becky!

1366. Maybe she went to get a home pregnancy test

1367. just to be sure.

1368. How the fuck could this day get any worse?

1369. Well, what the fuck are you doing, man?

1370. Follow her!

1371. You-you think?

1372. You're darn right, I do.

1373. You two have got to work this out.

1374. Follow her, talk to her for an hour,

1375. then come back here.

1376. An hour?

1377. I-I've found that any more time than that,

1378. you run the risk of saying the wrong thing again.

1379. Follow her, talk to her for an hour,

1380. then come back here and help me close up.

1381. You can't close up by yourself?

1382. Fucking A, man, you're about to become a father!

1383. Time to start acting responsibly!

1384. Be back here in an hour. Go!

1385. Hello.

1386. I assume you're with Kinky Kelly.

1387. Good guess. You Randal?

1388. I am.

1389. How long is it gonna take you to set up?

1390. Got to hook up the boom box,

1391. hang a few curtains and some lights.

1392. I've got a small smoke machine for ambiance. Yeah.

1393. Well, you might as well start setting up.

1394. We got about an hour

1395. before the guest of honor gets back.

1396. So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly before the show or what?

1397. Nah.

1398. Kelly likes privacy before show time.

1399. But after the show, if you want,

1400. for an extra $500, you can fuck Kelly.

1401. Really? Sweet.

1402. Yeah. So, where we doing this thing?

1403. Oh, right inside the restaurant.

1404. You're kidding.

1405. Not spacious enough?

1406. No, it's plenty spacious.

1407. Just kind of weird, isn't it?

1408. Kind of weird?

1409. You're in the bestiality business, dude.

1410. Hey, fucko...

1411. we like to call it

1412. inter-species erotica.

1413. Intriguing.

1414. Oh, no.

1415. Not again.

1416. Yeah, I have a fire at the Mooby's

1417. on Memorial Parkway and Leonardo.

1418. What?

1419. What the fuck is going on?

1420. It's your going-away party.

1421. Whoo! Whoo!

1422. We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!

1423. Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?

1424. Isn't it awesome?

1425. My man smoked two blunts full of skunk.

1426. Fuck Pillow Pants!

1427. Honk if you love a tight pussy...

1428. Yo, we love pussy.

1429. Tonight, before you leave me forever,

1430. we are gonna peep something we've been talking about

1431. since we saw "Bachelor Party"

1432. at your parents' house on Beta, when we were 12.

1433. What the fuck are you talking about?

1434. I'm gonna miss you, man.

1435. I'm gonna miss you, too, but this is a little much.

1436. Yeah? Just wait.

1437. Show time!

1438. Ladies and gentlemen...

1439. and you, Elias,

1440. straight from the debauchery

1441. capital of the world, Tijuana, Mexico...

1442. Oh, God, no.

1443. Oh, God, yes.

1444. Get ready for some hard-core bestiality.

1445. Inter-species erotica, fucko!

1446. Inter-species erotica at its finest,

1447. straight from TJ,

1448. I give you Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud!

1449. Don't worry. Chick's coming.

1450. Any second, the chick's coming.

1451. Any minute now.

1452. Wow, that guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

1453. Uh, Randal...?

1454. Where the fuck's the chick?

1455. Yo, Freddie fucking Mercury, where's Kelly?

1456. Right here.

1457. I thought that's the sexy stud.

1458. I'm the sexy stud.

1459. But this donkey's a dude.

1460. Kelly can be a guy's name, too. Hey!

1461. Due to some nomenclature confusion,

1462. there's not gonna be any chick.

1463. Well, who the fuck's gonna blow the donkey?

1464. Oh!

1465. I have a huge boner right now.

1466. Oh, my God!

1467. Becky!

1468. Where did you go?

1469. What the fuck is going on here?

1470. Uh, inter-species erotica.

1471. Are you OK?

1472. I'm disgusted and repulsed and...

1473. and I can't look away.

1474. It's huge!

1475. ♪ - But it feels so good

1476. We need to talk.

1477. Did you see the size of that cock...

1478. I love you.

1479. And-and I think you love me, too.

1480. Uh, of-of course. I...

1481. I mean, we're friends.

1482. I-I think you love me as more than a friend.

1483. It's OK. You can say it.

1484. But I-I don't believe in romantic love.

1485. I think you do.

1486. Do you really want to do this right now?

1487. ♪ - Then along came you...

1488. Well, I guess the show's over.

1489. I don't think so, sir.

1490. If he's gonna jerk off,

1491. I'm gonna jerk off, too.

1492. I don't think he's gonna jerk off.

1493. Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit!

1494. The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass... with his wiener!

1495. Hold that thought.

1496. I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll.

1497. All right, I do.

1498. Do what?

1499. I do love you.

1500. What kind of sick fuck gets turned on

1501. watching a guy fuck a donkey?

1502. I'm sorry, Jesus.

1503. Dante?

1504. What's going on?

1505. Ooh, cake.

1506. Yo, I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news.

1507. Congrats!

1508. You're having a baby, right?

1509. No. Who said that?

1510. Some asshole.

1511. I'm sorry.

1512. You fuck!

1513. Quick, hit that two-timing fuck with this!

1514. Hey, want to go out sometime?

1515. Emma, I don't... I don't know what to say.

1516. Take him, you fucking whore.

1517. Emma!

1518. Oh, no.

1519. Oh, shit, not again. Got to finish.

1520. Yo, cops are outside, we're holding,

1521. and I'm still on probation.

1522. ♪ - Temporary, temporary...

1523. What the fuck?

1524. Porch monkey?

1525. Oh, no, no, it's cool.

1526. I'm taking it back.

1527. I love pussy and beer!

1528. Whoo-hoo!

1529. Déjà fucking vu, right?

1530. Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it?

1531. Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars or something.

1532. Or they can make

1533. a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2.

1534. No, come on, dude,

1535. let's keep it in the real world, all right?

1536. But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea?

1537. Carbonite.

1538. What do you think, Dante?

1539. I think I'm gonna kill you!

1540. Get off of me!

1541. What up? Steel cage match!

1542. You ruined my life!

1543. Your life was already ruined!

1544. Jesus!

1545. What were you thinking?

1546. A fucking donkey show?

1547. It was your going-away present!

1548. It sure was.

1549. I just never thought I'd be going away to prison.

1550. Hey, boys.

1551. You can't be imprisoned

1552. for watching an inter-species sex act.

1553. You guys'll walk.

1554. The most I'll get'll be a fine for animal abuse

1555. and a lot of disgusted looks from asswipe conservatives

1556. who can't appreciate sexual exploration.

1557. Hey!

1558. I miss my donkey.

1559. I can't believe you.

1560. I finally get my shit together.

1561. I'm hours from getting out of here

1562. and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way

1563. to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.

1564. Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up.

1565. I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss.

1566. You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's? Ew.

1567. What?

1568. Would you shut up?

1569. You're chaos incarnate, man.

1570. Our whole lives,

1571. you've been getting me into trouble and holding me back.

1572. Oh, I'm holding you back, right?

1573. I remember, like, ten years ago,

1574. the night we went to Julie Dwyer's funeral,

1575. you were all like, "I need to shit or get off the pot."

1576. You said, "Shit or get off the pot," not me.

1577. You got all fired up about taking charge of your life,

1578. and what'd you do?

1579. You worked at the store till the place burned down.

1580. I took courses at Brookdale.

1581. And dropped out.

1582. Because you stopped going.

1583. Because we were just killing time with those classes.

1584. One semester,

1585. we took Criminology, for Christ's sake.

1586. What the fuck were we training to be, Batman?

1587. At least we were doing something

1588. instead of wasting our lives in some fucking convenience store!

1589. You know what?

1590. You can badmouth Quick Stop all you want, but I miss that place.

1591. I loved working there.

1592. I look back on that period as the best time in my life.

1593. Now I know you're fuckin' nuts.

1594. Why? Because I enjoyed what I did?

1595. I got to watch movies,

1596. fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend

1597. all day.

1598. Can you think of a better way to make a living?

1599. Yeah, maybe it's not what everyone does,

1600. but it was pretty fucking good.

1601. Man, that's you all over.

1602. Scrape by with the bare minimum.

1603. Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.

1604. I'm not in high school anymore.

1605. Shit, I'm not even in my twenties anymore.

1606. I don't want to sit around and rag on customers

1607. while eating free food.

1608. That's what you want to do.

1609. That's what you've always wanted to do.

1610. Well, if that's all you want out of life, man, then God bless,

1611. but I refuse to let your shit taint the rest of mine.

1612. No. I'm gonna smooth things over with Emma,

1613. go to Florida

1614. and start my Randal Graves-free existence.

1615. And try to forget these last 33 years ever happened.

1616. So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together?

1617. That's weird, man.

1618. I thought you were the only guy in the world

1619. who got me and had my back...

1620. the only person who'd take a bullet for me,

1621. 'cause I assumed you felt about me

1622. the same way I feel about you.

1623. Then, all of a sudden, one day, you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."

1624. Do you know what that's been like for me?

1625. I'm looking at a future that just sucks,

1626. because you're not gonna be in it anymore.

1627. And you're not even throwing me over

1628. for a life that means something to you.

1629. It's just a stupid, hollow existence

1630. you think you should embrace

1631. because you're getting old or something,

1632. because it's the kind of life everyone else goes after.

1633. You're a fucking drone, dude.

1634. Fine.

1635. Then the next friend whose life you ruin

1636. can be a totally free spirit.

1637. How's that?

1638. You think I want to start making friends at my age?

1639. Christ.

1640. Who would want me as their friend?

1641. I hate everyone, and everything seems stupid to me...

1642. but you were always the counterbalance to that...

1643. the guy who was the yin to my yang.

1644. But now what the fuck am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

1645. I mean, shit, I really wish

1646. you would've told me this when I first met you

1647. that one day, you were gonna bail

1648. on our friendship,

1649. because if I had known you were just gonna flake on me

1650. a few decades later...

1651. I wouldn't have even bothered with your ass

1652. in the first place.

1653. Jesus, why don't you two

1654. just fuck and get it over with already?

1655. Faggots.

1656. Why can't you ever say something useful for a change?

1657. Well, what the fuck you waiting for?

1658. That's your cue, man.

1659. I got nothing.

1660. Jesus fucking Christ, what good are you,

1661. you mute fuck?

1662. You know what? That hurts.

1663. Like, what do you ever add to the fucking proceedings?

1664. You got, like, one answer for everything: "Pussy, man."

1665. Oh, then, man, you must love this fuckin' guy,

1666. 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met.

1667. The dude who lives his life

1668. according to everyone else's standards.

1669. "I got to go to Florida

1670. and get married, 'cause that's what's expected of me."

1671. And the fuckin' insane part is, he ain't even that crazy

1672. about the chick he's marrying or Florida,

1673. never mind the fact that he's got

1674. a perfectly good chick

1675. right here in Jersey who he's nuts about,

1676. and even Anne fuckin' Frank could see she's nuts about him.

1677. God knows why.

1678. And she likes you for who you are, man.

1679. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box

1680. you'll never fit into.

1681. Not to mention the fact that she's carrying

1682. your hideous fucking CHUD of a kid.

1683. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever,

1684. you'd fuckin' stop trying

1685. to bray it up with the rest of the sheep

1686. and live your life the way it makes sense for you,

1687. you fuckin' ass!

1688. Oh, yeah? And what's that?

1689. You obviously have such a great handle

1690. on your life.

1691. Tell me what you would do if you were in my position...

1692. or even what you'd do in your own position?

1693. Swing that judgmental pendulum back the other way

1694. and tell me how you'd solve all your problems, asshole.

1695. What the fuck would the great Randal Graves do

1696. if he were half the master of his destiny

1697. that I'm supposed to be?

1698. I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself!

1699. That's what I'd do.

1700. That's what we should do.

1701. Yeah, right.

1702. Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?

1703. Do you know how much it would cost

1704. to buy the Quick Stop?

1705. Like, 50 grand, easy.

1706. And neither one of us have that type of money.

1707. We do.

1708. That's right.

1709. You guys would be willing to lend us some of that money

1710. so we can reopen the stores?

1711. Sure, on two conditions.

1712. We can hang out in front of the store

1713. anytime we want, and you can't call the cops.

1714. And two:

1715. You have to blow each other,

1716. and we get to watch.

1717. Then you have to go ass to mouth.

1718. All right, just the first condition.

1719. Seriously?

1720. Do I stutter?

1721. Yeah, seriously.

1722. What do you think?

1723. I almost hate to say it, but...

1724. it kind of makes sense.

1725. Hey, maybe that's why we spent so much time in that store,

1726. why college

1727. or anything else never panned out for us.

1728. I mean, think about it, man.

1729. You and me running our own business

1730. instead of working for some other asshole?

1731. Could be pretty fuckin' sweet, right?

1732. Yeah, it really could.

1733. But I don't know, man.

1734. I was this close to starting a new life.

1735. Jesus.

1736. You're actually gonna make me do this, aren't you?

1737. Can you guys cover your ears for a minute, please?

1738. You're my best friend...

1739. and I love you.

1740. In a totally heterosexual way.

1741. Yeah, right.

1742. Please, man, don't leave me.

1743. Thanks.

1744. That'll be $5.79.

1745. I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding.

1746. I mean... I-I know you don't believe in romantic love.

1747. Is that a yes?

1748. What took you so long?

1749. "One ring to rule them all."

1750. Come on!

1751. Oh!

1752. Thanks. OK.

1753. Pack of cigarettes?

1754. You know what? What?

1755. You're not even supposed to be here today.

1756. Can you feel it?

1757. Feel what?

1758. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

1759. Oh, shit, got to finish!

1760. Hey!

1761. Snooge to the nooge!

1762. Oh, my God...!