Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

1. Who the hell is that?

2. What? Son of a bitch.

3. Good Lord, I think that one's alive.

4. Let me see about that one.

5. Middle of the night...

6. Paul, light that other lantern for me.

7. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

8. Hurry up with that lantern.

9. Hey, Alan, I can't find the sail bag.

10. It's forward.

11. I looked, I can't find it.

12. Oh, Christ, I'll get it.

13. - Hey, Paul. - Yeah?

14. This island doesn't smell so hot.

15. Well, that's because they probably don't bury

16. their dead too deep.

17. This place is creepy.

18. Are we really going to dig up a dead body?

19. That's what he said.

20. Sort of makes him a ghoul, doesn't it?

21. - Boy, that's typecasting. - Shh, he'll hear you.

22. So.

23. So, you'll be an unemployed actress.

24. Paul, use this.

25. Well, I don't see any dead people.

26. Oh, the, uh, the graveyard starts right

27. up around that bend.

28. Where's the cottage?

29. Oh, a few hundred yards from the graveyard.

30. Say, um, Paul, I was thinking. Since, uh, Terry's a new member

31. of the company, sort of, uh, coming into her theatrical

32. puberty, so to speak, ha ha,

33. I just might have to invoke the rule of primal juncture.

34. Primal juncture, what's that?

35. It means he gets to make it with me first.

36. Sort of like the slave master breaking in all

37. the new virgins, right?

38. Well, crudely put, but, uh, basically accurate.

39. Well, Paul?

40. Well, you'll have to ask the virgin.

41. You're about ten years too late.

42. I lost it when I was a Brownie, to an Eagle Scout.

43. Oh, really?

44. Scout's honor.

45. Uh, how many merits does an Eagle Scout

46. get for seducing a Brownie? - I don't know, you'll have

47. to check that in your Boy Scout Manual,

48. under Things to do in the woods."

49. Clever girl.

50. Everybody grab your suitcases.

51. Hey, Alan, who's your travel agent? Count Dracula?

52. I feel like I'm on the Late, Late Show.

53. I'd whistle past the graveyard, but my lips are afraid

54. to be separated.

55. Gee, I wonder if Tab Hunter started like this?

56. Oh, I haven't laughed this hard since Granny

57. got caught in the wringer.

58. There's a light ahead.

59. - What is it? - That's the graveyard.

60. What the hell are they doing

61. with a street lamp out here?

62. This used to be a resort island. Come on.

63. Oh, and don't vorry, they only drink

64. kosher blood here, and all the vampires have their health

65. cards and they get inspected once a week.

66. You know, Alan, you're really weird. You oughta be in a wax

67. museum somewhere.

68. Kneeling right under the guy in the black hood.

69. Well, there it is. Ulalume, the sanctum of Satan.

70. It's a set, you had it built.

71. It's a masterpiece. The vibrations are powerful.

72. Why the hell would they build a graveyard out here?

73. Ah, yes, a logical question, uh, to which there is

74. a logical answer. The island you see has a history,

75. which I shall relate. But first, the ten cent tour.

76. Which we get for only a quarter.

77. This area is the pauper secfion.

78. All the corpses here were buried recently.

79. Kelly just, urn, levels off a section of ground, throws

80. the stiffs in it until the section is filled

81. then levels off another.

82. You mean the people right under my feet were just put here?

83. Ha ha, they're hardly cold. And a more delightful gaggle

84. of retches you will never meet.

85. Murderers, rapists...

86. There aren't any paupers buried in that section.

87. No, indeed there aren't. That is hallowed ground.

88. Come children, Uncle Alan's going to curdle your blood.

89. Uncle Alan already does.

90. Turns my stomach too.

91. I hope these things are going to stay in the ground.

92. - Not if I can help it. - Yick.

93. Feast your eyes on one of the last vestiges of grace,

94. one of the last flights of pure imagination,

95. of unadulterated creativity.

96. It's a boneyard.

97. A boneyard? A boneyard? What a travesty!

98. A sacrilege! A masterful reduction of the sublime

99. to the commonplace.

100. Only a truly ordinary mind, Jeffrey, could conceive

101. such an idea.

102. It is kind of pretty.

103. Give me a moment. The magnitude of your

104. simplitude overwhelms me.

105. Oh, what the hell's he talkin' about?

106. Humor him, it's an old war injury. I'll talk to him.

107. Alan... is it your hemorrhoids again?

108. Your levity does not amuse me, Jeffrey.

109. You're on sacred ground, my friend.

110. A very font of evil. For in this very crypt, lay a man

111. whose malice appalled the gods.

112. Whose unrelenting thirst for vengeance inflamed

113. the mind of Satan himself.

114. Even now, demonic forces hover here,

115. feeding upon the psychic force of that one act.

116. Be still.

117. Listen.

118. Even now, their malevolent gaze may be falling upon you.

119. I don't care if their gaze falls upon me, as long as they

120. keep their pea-pickin' hands to themselves.

121. Come, children, stay in single file and take hold

122. of one another. There are, urn, things in the night

123. waiting for children who stray out of the light.

124. It's a good thing he's a director, because, wow,

125. - what a bad actor. - I don't know,

126. I kind of get the feeling something is following us.

127. - Oh, what rot. - Could be.

128. Could be rotten.

129. - Did you hear that? - Yeah, I think I did.

130. Oh, brother, Alan will love this. I know I heard

131. something. Wait a minute.

132. Well, we all heard it.

133. Evil entities. I told you about them.

134. Not evil entities. Probably just one weird person.

135. What's the difference? We've got a shotgun in here.

136. Paul, you can't scare off demons with a shotgun.

137. I don't care about demons, I just hope we haven't

138. offended the leader of some hippy cult.

139. Oh, Christ, did you have to say that?

140. No, no, he's right.

141. What a perfect place for a mass murder.

142. How about this - a group of jaded young deviants,

143. that's us, comes to a burial island to, uh, dabble

144. in witchcraft, try a few spells, but, uh, but we stumble

145. onto some really sick cult which follows us along

146. a deserted path until, until finally...

147. - Oh, come on. - I'm leaving.

148. Don't give him the satisfaction.

149. What, I'm just being realistic. I mean, uh, they're having

150. trouble all over the world with grave robbers,

151. ghouls, people breaking into cemeteries.

152. But we're the grave robbers, whose going to bother us?

153. Nobody... but demons.

154. Come on now, children, it's late

155. and we've got a lot to do.

156. - Cheerful. - Yeah, it has a nice,

157. homey feeling.

158. Better get used to it, it's home for now.

159. How long has this place been empty?

160. About two years.

161. This door is pretty sturdy. Let's check the windows.

162. - Who lives here? - The caretaker of the cemetery.

163. - Where is he now? - An insane asylum.

164. Oh, God, I'm afraid to ask.

165. Oh, it's quite ordinary, really.

166. Killed his wife and two children, they found him babbling.

167. Why didn't they get another caretaker?

168. They did.

169. Hey, look. There's a woodpile. At least we can build a fire.

170. That's the best news I've heard all night.

171. Paul, come here.

172. We can kick these shutters in.

173. Go ahead, Paul, do your athlete thing.

174. Go through and open the door.

175. Jesus Christ!

176. - Paul, what's the matter? - Paul!

177. Spiders, goddamnit! Jesus, I hate spiders!

178. Jesus, I hate spiders!

179. You scared the hell out of us.

180. Oh, sorry!

181. Why don't you come around, I'll open the door.

182. Ah, not bad. Um, Jeff and Paul, you bring in the trunk, and, uh,

183. Jeffrey, then you build a fire in the fireplace. All right?

184. Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.

185. I, uh, I suggest we explore the quarters while Jeffrey's

186. building the fire. We may even come across a fuse box,

187. - who knows? - I suggest, let's sit

188. by the fireplace until it's lit. You Boy Scouts go and explore.

189. Anya, why don't you tidy up? And, Jeffrey, you repair

190. that window, would you please?

191. Paul, Terry and I will ferret out the castle.

192. Hey, why don't we let the mighty Joe Karate repair the window,

193. since he broke it.

194. I'm going to ferret out the castle with the master.

195. Hmm, look.

196. Oh, God! Oh, this is getting worse all the time.

197. - What is it? - Rats.

198. Well, if we come under siege, and the supplies run low...

199. - rat stew. - In your case,

200. that would be cannibalism.

201. Ha. Let's check upstairs. Paul, get me that lantern,

202. would you please?

203. I keep thinking about Satan worshipers with hatchets.

204. I'm not surprised.

205. Did you read about those campers last week?

206. A group of kids came over to their campsite and,

207. invited them for dinner. When they got to the kid's

208. camp, they realized they were the dinner.

209. All right, all right. Jesus Christ.

210. - Hey, did they...? - Yeah, they sure did.

211. Look, I, uh... I shouldn't ask, but whatever happened

212. to the other caretaker?

213. - He hanged himself. - You shouldn't have asked.

214. In, uh, in this very room, if I'm not mistaken.

215. Now, wait a minute. This is too much.

216. You tell us the first caretaker murdered his family,

217. the second caretaker hanged himself.

218. I mean, it's like a grade B movie where the villian

219. tries to drive the victims mad.

220. Oh, a villain, how flattering.

221. Do you have a large insurance policy on this company?

222. No, I'm bumping you all off as my contribution

223. to good theater.

224. Terry and I are going downstairs

225. This is beginning to look like the “Lost Weekend."

226. You know what they say, "A fire a day keeps those

227. ghosts away."

228. Why would you want to keep them away?

229. Wouldn't it be beautiful to be really in the presence

230. of a ghost?

231. - A being from another plane. - You're serious?

232. Yes, of course.

233. Well, I don't know. I always heard that ghosts have a way

234. of being downright nasty.

235. Oh, that's not true. What people perceive as evil in ghosts

236. and spirits is only a reflection of their own malevolence

237. and fear.

238. People create their own demons.

239. That's not very original, Anya.

240. Something is going to happen tonight...

241. I can feel it.

242. Oh, I wouldn't go in there, Anya. The place is full of rats.

243. Oh, they don't bother me. Rats don't mind people

244. that don't mind them.

245. I'll have to remember that

246. next time I run into a rat.

247. Personally, I never met a rat I didn't like.

248. "Let's take a rat to lunch today, show him

249. that he's one of the bunch today."

250. All right, children, story time.

251. Uncle Alan's going to chill your marrow and make you

252. squeal and get all wet and get goose pimples.

253. What the hell's the gun for?

254. Just in case any little ghosties try to break in here

255. and gobble up my children.

256. Hey, you got silver buckshot in there?

257. - No... but I've got this. - What is it?

258. What is it? It's the sorcerer's source box, the warlock's

259. war chest, the conjuror's conjuration.

260. The nincompoop's knapsack.

261. If things get really desperate, I'll just have you re-enact

262. some of your past performances.

263. Not even a thing from the blackest pit of hell

264. could stand up to that.

265. - What else have you got? - Oh, I've got many things.

266. For instance, this.

267. Banes to ward off evil entities.

268. Gee, Mr. Wizard, how do you get the litmus paper

269. to turn blue?

270. Same way I get the egg into the Coke bottle, bitch.

271. And this treasure of treasures

272. Here, Anya, hold that 'til I'm ready.

273. What, pray tell, is that treasure of treasures?

274. Later, Jeffrey, later. First, my robe.

275. Oh, wow! Where can I pick up one of those?

276. On the other side of eternity, my dear.

277. Talk about "my" performances.

278. What time is it?

279. Uh, it's 11230.

280. Perfect.

281. Perfect for what?

282. Midnight is the optimum time for any summation.

283. Wait a minute, just exactly what are we summoning?

284. I think it's about time the wizard came clean.

285. Oh, time the wizard came clean.

286. Ha ha ha, you know that's very poetic, Paul, in a prosaic

287. kind of way.

288. Look, we may not be poets, but we do have a right

289. to know what's going on.

290. The people speak! A little democratic action, ay?

291. Well, let me remind you, my darlings, that this company

292. is not a democratic enterprise. It's a feudal state.

293. I rule it. I own it. I own you.

294. The only difference between this feudal state and any other

295. feudal state is that here the serfs, uh, that's you, can quit

296. anytime you like. Anybody wanna quit? Huh?

297. Huh?

298. Aw, the revolution is dead. Long live the king.

299. Ha ha ha. However, as befits a benevolent and loving ruler,

300. I shall divulge all. Anya, the book.

301. This is a grimoire, a book of ancient spells, descending

302. in a direct line from the druids and the old religion.

303. It has spells, counter spells, conjurations, summations and...

304. here is the spell I have chosen for our purposes.

305. It details the simple steps and the simple words

306. necessary to enable a master to call forth the dead

307. from their graves, to bend their wills to his and serve him

308. always in this world... and the next.

309. And this island meets the unique stipulations

310. required for a summation.

311. A consummate evil was committed here, a curse lies

312. upon it and there are fresh cadavers available

313. and waiting for us.

314. And it's nearly midnight, so I suggest we go

315. and exhume our corpse.

316. Hey, Alan, how many years do they give you

317. - for grave robbing? - They hang you.

318. Suspended sentence, ay?

319. - Oh, my God, is nothing sacred? - Ding dong, Avon calling, ha ha.

320. I suppose Jeff and I are the burial detail?

321. Val can help you.

322. Let's see, "Orville Dunworth, 1929-1971."

323. Oh... he oughta be ripe.

324. Ok, this is the one.

325. So, this is the lucky stiff, huh?

326. Oh, shut up.

327. Ok, troops, dig in.

328. - Where's Anya? - She's back by the crypt.

329. Excellent. Well, let's see if anybody's home. Open up.

330. Hope he doesn't mind us dropping in like this.

331. Jesus Christ, is that for real?

332. God, I don't believe it.

333. Looks like Dracula.

334. Decomposition does strange things to people.

335. Haul him up, Jeff, let's take a closer look.

336. You want me to touch that thing?

337. He won't bite you.

338. Oh, I wouldn't bet on it.

339. Just lift him up to the rim, Jeff. Paul and I will haul

340. him out.

341. - Roy? - Certainly, you crazy bitch.

342. - You bastards! - Listen, Alan...

343. This crazy man bloodied my nose.

344. No... ha ha ha.

345. Paul, listen, it isn't funny, we were on the verge

346. of a genuine tragedy here.

347. I Peed my pants. I Peed my pants.

348. Listen, my nose is bleeding. That's blood from my body.

349. Listen, Alan, you didn't say there'd be a madman

350. with an axe. Jesus Christ, I could've been seriously hurt.

351. - You mean this was a gag? - No! No, Paul, these are two

352. real ghouls. They just, they just had a change of heart,

353. that's all.

354. Yeah, we're trying to go straight.

355. I oughta use this on you, man.

356. Ha ha ha, I peed my pants. Huh, yeah, I peed my pants.

357. Medic!

358. Oh, good heavens.

359. Mayhem, carnage, ugh, this is really the limit.

360. I mean fun's fun, but really!

361. Hush, darling, I'm putting you in for a Purple Heart.

362. Is that Emerson?

363. Oh, my God!

364. You've got a weird sense of humor.

365. Oh, come one, let's give the devil his due.

366. Very good, Alan.

367. Get up, Jeff.

368. I Peed my pants.

369. We all did.

370. That was really masterful.

371. How long did you take on this?

372. Emerson, Roy and I came out here yesterday and set it up.

373. Bravo! Come on Emer, let me see your makeup.

374. Ha ha, magnificent. How long did it take you?

375. Oh, I worked on it for about three hours.

376. Mine took four hours, of course, I was the lead.

377. Because you're stupid enough to let yourself be buried

378. in a filthy hole.

379. - How long were you in there? - About an hour.

380. You can last several hours.

381. Let's see your battle wound, Roy.

382. And of course the mad, cultist killer who was stalking us

383. was Emerson.

384. I cannot tell a lie, it was I and my trusty fangs.

385. Only a truly sick mind could have conceived such a plot.

386. Thank you.

387. And you, you little devils, you gave the best performance

388. of your entire careers.

389. I peed in my pants.

390. Will you quit giving us a play-by-play

391. of your flabby bladder?

392. My God, you should have seen the creature

393. we took out of that hole. I nearly fainted,

394. he's really dead.

395. He was probably a dishwasher.

396. That's a far cry from robber barons and rape and demons.

397. There are a bunch of plumbers and panhandlers buried out here.

398. Pretty punk stuff to tempt Satan with.

399. Not quite so. I'm sure there are quite a few murderers

400. and other assorted types that will please the master.

401. Emerson, what time is it?

402. - It's five of twelve. - Ah, the Witching hour.

403. We have to hurry, he won't wait.

404. Urn, what did you do with what's his name, Orville?

405. - He's over behind that tomb. - Wait a minute.

406. The joke's over. Terry's scared as hell,

407. I'm taking her out of here.

408. Have a good swim and don't forget to drop

409. your script off at the theater when you get back.

410. It's ok, Paul. It scared me, that's all. I'm all right now.

411. Look, this has gone far enough, man.

412. Look, it's my job too, I don't want to be fired.

413. - You sure? - Oh, why don't you stop?

414. If I made her crawl in that coffin and spend the night

415. with Orville, you wouldn't lift a finger to help if you thought

416. it would cost you your job.

417. And you know why? Because you're headed for the top...

418. the new Brando, actor, stud, bon vivant. All man-bull.

419. You know what you are? You're a slab of meat

420. I hired to dress my stage. And I like my sides of beef

421. to hang quietly in the corner until I need them.

422. So why don't you just shut up!

423. Oh, I hate it when you get so sentimental and mushy like that.

424. Of course they'll stay.

425. They wouldn't miss a chance to see you

426. square off with the devil.

427. Or maybe eat a little crow, when your performance

428. gets a big yawn.

429. If we judge by past performance, I don't think I'll bore anybody.

430. You can't live old reviews. This is a new play.

431. Let's get it on.

432. What do you say, children?

433. Would you like to see the maestro perform?

434. Do you think we can take it?

435. I'm not too worried.

436. Jeffy?

437. I don't care, give 'em hell. Anybody got a dry Pamper?

438. Gentlemen?

439. As long as we don't have to dig 'em up.

440. All right, it's time.

441. Go and drag Orville over here.

442. - Anya? Where's Anya? - She's abiding.

443. Anya, what are you doing now?

444. I'm gazing at the scroll of immortality.

445. Well, when you come to the end of a chapter, will you please

446. crawl up out of that hole and get the book and the makings.

447. It's really much nicer in here.

448. Great, we'll make it for a weekend sometime, all right?

449. Come on now, it almost midnight.

450. Is it?

451. Good. Good. He's magnificent. Look at him, Anya.

452. I wonder what he's thinking.

453. Jeff, get the candles.

454. Lift Orville up here.

455. Let's see. We'll... prop him up against the crucifix.

456. Bend his arms over the lateral.

457. My God, he's stiff as plaster.

458. Ha ha, perfect.

459. Anya, the envelope.

460. "And what's in the envelope?" they all asked, breathlessly.

461. What's in the envelope, Alan?

462. Blood. The dried blood of an unborn infant,

463. as called for in the Book of Spells.

464. Now, don't worry, no murder was committed,

465. it's just that every summation demands a sovereign ingredient

466. to a sacrifice.

467. This is ours. Help me up.

468. Now we begin.

469. Jeff, Paul, Emerson and Roy, grab shovels.

470. I want you to follow behind me, break the earth over the graves.

471. Thus.

472. I will go after and anoint them as prescribed. Go.

473. And after we do all of this, the dead are going to rise

474. from their graves, right?

475. Thus spaketh the master.

476. Hmm, an oldie but a goodie.

477. Silence!

478. Poor Anya.

479. Any second now, I expect to see her float off.

480. Summon the dead, bullshit.

481. Jesus Christ!

482. - What is it? - Look.

483. Hold this.

484. God. It's beautiful.

485. It's hideous.

486. - The root broke it open. - This is a sign.

487. They will rise. This is the sign.

488. Bull.

489. The root undermined the coffin, that's all.

490. It's a sign.

491. Anya.

492. Come.

493. What happened over there, Alan?

494. Never mind.

495. Kneel around the grave.

496. Clasp your hands together in the inverted prayer, like this.

497. Open your minds. Remove all doubt,

498. but be on your guard.

499. Let nothing take hold of you. Let nothing enter your body.

500. From this time on, you must be silent.

501. "O Great Diviner,

502. Master of the Three Worlds,

503. Disciple who became Master,

504. Lord of the Nether World,

505. Lord of Night,

506. Prince of Darkness,

507. Despoiler of Light,

508. Diviner of Powers,

509. Redeemer of Passion,

510. Crucible of Flesh.

511. By the blood incarnate, by the flesh made proud,

512. by the soul devoured of itself,

513. by these words we do implore, by these deeds we do supplicate

514. and call upon the grace of thee, Lord Almighty of the Underworld,

515. to release the souls of all thy servants

516. who lie here un-redeemed to release them

517. to serve thy servant,

518. bending their wills always to his, thus to thine own.

519. By the blood of babes unborn, by the inversion of the Savior,

520. by the bond of thine own hand,

521. we do entreat thee, deliver them up to us to command

522. in thy name, to serve our will and thine own.

523. By Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Arkaneez

524. and all the under lords we do entreat,

525. let them rise, let them rise up.

526. Spiritus aquatani, salvete, let them rise.

527. Let them rise up, Satan, god of all.

528. They must be out to lunch.

529. Shut up, Jeffrey.

530. Looks like a no-show.

531. A fraud, a cheap, plastic fraud.

532. Ha! Satan, you phony. You liar!

533. You sorry sot!

534. I paid my money and I expect my merchandise.

535. You cretinous clown. You don't have any power.

536. Petty panderer! Cheap, chiseling con artist!

537. Two-bit, penny-ante potion peddler!

538. You lose, Alan.

539. You lose. Your summation is a bummer.

540. A silly little ghost story.

541. You should have stuck to the clown act.

542. It suits your talent.

543. And your vilification of Satan is rice pudding, soggy oatmeal,

544. stale goods, Alan, like all your creative efforts.

545. You're a clerk, Alan, a bookkeeper.

546. You'd better accept that.

547. And you know why?

548. Because it takes an artist to deal with the devil,

549. not an insurance man with delusions of grandeur.

550. Get out of the grave.

551. Get out of the grave, Alan.

552. Let an artist show you how call a curse down on Satan.

553. Hail, Satanic Majesty!

554. Hail, mighty Master of Evil!

555. Tormentor of Lost Souls,

556. paragon of Perfidy,

557. antichrist, vilest of the vile,

558. respected foe of Jehovah and the archangel,

559. usurper, seducer,

560. panderer supreme.

561. Hail!

562. Hail!

563. So what's with this little thing we're asking?

564. A few rotting corpses to serve our meager needs.

565. So what's the trouble, hmm?

566. You got the blood you were asking, right?

567. You got Orville, right?

568. You've got the warlock and his war chest.

569. Right?

570. Is that a bargain, I ask you?

571. A vizard, foist class!

572. So vhere's the goods?

573. Satan!

574. You tveaker of puppy-dog tails!

575. You bilious bag of bombast.

576. You paltry purveyor of potence.

577. You half-vitted Helicon of horse manure.

578. Mighty master of evil!

579. Ha!

580. Your most terrifying trick is growing warts

581. on old ladies' noses,

582. scaring scarecrows, snitching buttons,

583. ingrown toenails, corns and chickenpox.

584. That's your speed.

585. Very good, Valerie, very good.

586. Excellent.

587. Bravo. Not bad.

588. It's a tie game!

589. Not quite. I've got another ace in the hole.

590. Or, uh, an ace out of the hole, I should say.

591. - It's party time, it's the shank of the evening.

592. My friend, Orville, and I are having cocktails

593. in ten minutes at my island cottage.

594. - Strictly informal. - Wait a minute,

595. - you can't do that. - Oh, but I can.

596. It's Orville's coming-out party. He's been away for a long time.

597. Orville's in the underground, you know.

598. I'm sure he has many interesting things to tell us.

599. Alan, you're not really gonna take that thing

600. - back to the cottage. - But it's his party.

601. I, I mean, it certainly would be rude not to invite

602. him to his own party.

603. We should show some respect for the dead.

604. Why? The dead are losers.

605. If anybody hasn't earned respect, it's the dead.

606. A man has a right to some dignity, even when he's dead.

607. Man? Man is a machine that manufactures manure.

608. Anya?

609. We'll put him back.

610. I think he'll like it.

611. We won't embarrass him, will we, Alan?

612. Oh, not a bit, no.

613. I'd be mortified, I...

614. More than likely Orville will shame us all.

615. You always seem to be holding the cards, Alan.

616. Let's see how many more you have up your sleeve.

617. OK.

618. Jeff, you and Paul escort Orville back to the cottage.

619. Carry him Roman style.

620. Roy, you and Emerson stay here and fill in the graves.

621. And then bring the trunk back to the cottage when you come.

622. Why do we get all the physical stuff?

623. Because you're such physical brutes.

624. Oh, and you'd better bring the caretaker

625. back to the house with you.

626. Wait 'til Gay Power hears about this.

627. It's customary to carry the corpse over the threshold.

628. Right!

629. Looks like the honeymoon is over.

630. Wrong, we're not even married yet.

631. Wait a minute now, let's see.

632. Stand him... him? Her? It?

633. Stand "it" up.

634. - You crushed his bouquet. - Correction - it's bouquet.

635. It does have a very definite bouquet

636. Careful, that's my bride-to-be you're talking about.

637. A perfect match.

638. And you, a holy man. Shame, shame.

639. Paul, you can be best man.

640. Or should I say best corpse?

641. Ten to one it's a shotgun wedding.

642. Let's see. Family of the groom on the right.

643. Family of the corpse on the left. Val, if you don't mind.

644. Laughs.

645. All right, who's going to give the bride away?

646. I don't know but you better hurry.

647. Music.

648. Begin.

649. Dearly beloved,

650. we are gathered here today to join together this man

651. and this, urn, body,

652. in holy - well, not so holy, but it's okay, wedlock.

653. Uh, more or less.

654. All right, please repeat after me.

655. I, Alan, take this body...

656. I, Alan, take this body...

657. Welcome to it, you deserve everything you're getting.

658. To love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health,

659. for richer or for poorer, 'til death do you part.

660. And you'd better hurry, believe you me. Ha ha ha...

661. And, Orville, do you go along with all of this?

662. Well, then by the power invested in me by Reddy Kilowatt,

663. I now pronounce you man and... well, whatever he is. Ha ha.

664. Paul, see if you can put some life into the party.

665. Which party are you referring to?

666. Down, Jeff.

667. OK, Big P, let's get this show on the road.

668. What's the matter, big fella?

669. Cat-daver got your tongue?

670. What a bunch of stiffs, eh, Orv?

671. That's all right, keep a stiff upper lip.

672. Keep a stiff upper lip!

673. Orville's my straight man.

674. All right, pretty boy, you do it.

675. I can't think of anything funny to say.

676. That's because it's not funny.

677. It's disgusting.

678. Disgusting?

679. Do I, uh, disgust you,

680. Miss, uh, Seducible Brownie?

681. Why, this is just good, clean fun.

682. Sure, check it out in your Girl Scout Manual under,

683. "Things to do in the cemetery".

684. Now, wait a minute. - Sit down, meat.

685. You know, I don't think that Orville likes

686. being called, uh, disgusting.

687. I know that I don't like being called disgusting.

688. Perhaps you shouldn't be working for someone so, uh...

689. disgusting!

690. Hmm? Maybe I ought to just release you from your contract

691. under the, uh, "disgusting" clause.

692. And, and also from my disgusting "claws." Hmm?

693. Well, guess we'll have to dig up a new actor, eh, Orville?

694. Got anyone you'd like to recommend?

695. - No. - It's an immediate opening.

696. I didn't mean to start anything.

697. You didn't mean to start anything? Why did you, then?

698. - I was upset. - Well, now Orville's upset.

699. I don't know. I'll see if he'll forgive you.

700. What do you think, Orville?

701. Want to listen to what she's got to say?

702. What's that?

703. Very righteous of you.

704. He will hear you.

705. I would apologize to you, Orville... but

706. He speaks.

707. How magnanimous.

708. He says you may sit.

709. With a sense of humor like yours, you...

710. Please, do not flatter him.

711. That is so insulting. Anya? Care to join in?

712. Shouldn't treat him like this.

713. Look at how beautiful he is, Alan and how sad.

714. We shouldn't hurt him or make fun of him.

715. He won't like us if we do.

716. He'll be angry with us.

717. We should respect his beauty.

718. There is great beauty in death. It shouldn't be defiled.

719. No, Anya, that won't do.

720. That won't do at all.

721. He wants to see more feeling.

722. Real feeling.

723. I'm new to the company, so naturally,

724. I wanted to make an impression.

725. I, I don't think he believes you.

726. It's true, I really don't go for any of this

727. but I felt like I had to because I wanted to be accepted.

728. I, I don't think he believes any of that phony crap.

729. Terry, I don't think he thinks you have any talent.

730. I'm not sure that "I" think you have any talent.

731. I do though!

732. I do have talent when I have a good part

733. and when I'm really in character.

734. I do have talent, I do.

735. A few tears, well, that's a little more convincing.

736. - Next! - Stop it!

737. What did you say?

738. Listen. Listen.

739. If we respect him,

740. he'll respect us.

741. Look, he's trying to tell us.

742. You can see it in his face.

743. It's clay, that's all.

744. Feel it.

745. It's like a primitive hut,

746. clay pieces stuck together with splints of bone.

747. That's all you are, Orville, old buddy.

748. - Clay, mud. - Stop it. Stop it!

749. Orville's my friend. I'll do what I want with him.

750. He's mine.

751. I'm gonna take you home with me Orville

752. and I'm gonna prop you up in my living room.

753. And when friends come to call,

754. I'm going to say, "Here's my good friend, Orville."

755. stop it!

756. And when you finally fall apart,

757. I'm going to take your scraps and feed them to my dog.

758. How about that, Anya? Am I showing enough respect

759. - for the dead? - Stop it!

760. And when he's nothing but bones, I'm going to take him

761. all apart and use him for book ends.

762. Or maybe a soup ladle, or a mobile.

763. Anything that comes to mind.

764. - Stop talking like that. - Why?

765. I'm going to get a big kick out of it.

766. And I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll take all the bones

767. and I'll paint them and use them for Chrismas decorations, hmm?

768. Deck the halls with bones of ivory.

769. You don't know what you are saying.

770. I know what I'm saying all right.

771. Come on, Orville. Time for bed.

772. Let go of him!

773. We didn't know what we doing. We'll make up for this.

774. I didn't understand before, but I do now!

775. Oh, God!

776. Please forgive us.

777. Please!

778. You will, won't you?

779. You will, you will?

780. Please.

781. Please, no!

782. No! No!

783. They won't! They won't!

784. We have to get out of here!

785. - Please! - Get that thing out of here!

786. No, don't touch it, don't touch it! It's evil!

787. You're evil!

788. You!

789. You!

790. Oh... please! Please!

791. You've gone too far this time.

792. I don't give a damn what you think. Get out!

793. She feeling any better now?

794. Oh, I wouldn't say she's in the best of health.

795. You feeling better?

796. She seems calmer.

797. Look, Jeff, I think we ought to get out of here.

798. Do you think we can move her?

799. We've got to, she needs help.

800. Ok, but I hope she doesn't get hysterical again.

801. We're all going to get hysterical

802. if we don't get out now.

803. And that's what we're going to do.

804. You're a great teacher, Orville,

805. and a wonderful friend.

806. And I think, in time,

807. we may get even closer.

808. Hey, don't put the shovels up, we have to bury Mr. Hyde

809. - over there. - Listen, that thing smells.

810. Listen, we're not asking you to wear it, just bury it.

811. God, you're disgusting.

812. - What are you gonna do with it? - Just cover it with some dirt.

813. Oh, look at that ring, isn't it fantastic?

814. Oh. Oh, they buried him without his Right Guard.

815. Alan.

816. Alan's gone, may I help you?

817. You never give up, do you?

818. - I've only just begun. - We're leaving.

819. Oh, that's interesting. How are you going?

820. We're taking your boat.

821. - Huh, claiming the victory, eh? - That's right.

822. You going to, ah, finance your victory celebration

823. with your unemployment checks?

824. It won't work, Alan. This time you lose.

825. Orville still loves me.

826. - Is he coming? - I didn't ask him.

827. My God, what's that?

828. - Jesus Christ! - Wait.

829. Roy... Oh, God.

830. They're coming! They're coming!

831. We didn't hurt him! We didn't hurt him!

832. Paul, get me a board, something to cover this with.

833. Get me a hammer and nails. Come on, hurry!

834. What is it?

835. That thing, I swear to God, it's from the graveyard,

836. that thing.

837. - That's ridiculous. - It is, I swear it is.

838. Jesus, it is. It is. Oh, God.

839. Wait a minute.

840. Alan.

841. Is this a joke?

842. The door, Alan, the one by the front door.

843. Help, Jeff! Hurry!

844. Hurry!

845. Ah! Ah! Hurry!

846. Now, Paul.

847. Val, get a hammer.

848. Paul.

849. - What about that room? - The windows are boarded

850. - but you'd better check. - Yeah.

851. They've stopped.

852. God! This is impossible.

853. - Let me see. - They're just standing there.

854. - They can't get in back there. - Good.

855. Oh, my God, look at those things.

856. Come on, let's check the back.

857. - What's happened? - I don't know.

858. It can't be. Give me the flashlight, quick!

859. - They're everywhere. - What is this?

860. Why are they after us?

861. Man, I don't care why, they're trying to kill us.

862. Now wait a minute. Well, we don't know that.

863. Let's just... let's just use our heads.

864. Maybe they just wanna frighten us off.

865. What the hell are you talking about?

866. For Christ's sake, man, look at Roy.

867. ROY -

868. ROY -

869. He's dead.

870. Dead? Oh, God.

871. Oh, my God.

872. They must have gotten Emerson too.

873. What are we gonna do?

874. What are we gonna do?

875. - Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

876. What are we gonna do about this?

877. One of them tried to get in here.

878. Well, we'll lock the door. Come on.

879. We've got to check the other bedroom.

880. It's Ok.

881. Look.

882. They're gonna kill us.

883. They can't get up here, it's too high.

884. What are we gonna do?

885. I think it, fairly obvious,

886. somebody's got to get to the boat and bring help.

887. Look, we're trapped in here. If they found a way

888. to get up to the bedroom,

889. it won't be a long time before they're in here.

890. But what about the gun?

891. Look, we left it in the trunk back at the graveyard.

892. Yeah, well they seem pretty slow. Why don't we try

893. and run for it. There are too many of them and we

894. don't know how many more of them are outside the light.

895. Look, uh... if you could get them out front somehow,

896. I could slip out the back.

897. - No, Paul, please. - It's probably the only way.

898. You think you can get by them?

899. You're gonna have to go out the door and fight them

900. until they all get out front.

901. It should work.

902. Right.

903. Let's do it.

904. All right, Paul, let's clear the door.

905. We'll distract them as best we can.

906. Good luck.

907. Ready?

908. Now.

909. Look out!

910. Oh, my God.

911. Paul? Paul?

912. No! No!

913. No!

914. - This can't happen. - It is happening!

915. Don't sit there whining, you sickening pervert.

916. It is happening! You did it!

917. You did it! You've got to get us out of this.

918. You've got to get us out of this. Jeff!

919. Stop it, stop it. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

920. Now, listen to me.

921. There's got to be a way out.

922. Maybe Alan can get us out of here.

923. This book. Isn't there a way of sending them back?

924. A counterspell.

925. Counterspell...

926. A recitation for the dead, recitation for the dead...

927. Wait a minute.

928. OK. Here it is. Wait...

929. "A litany..."

930. "Calling the counterspell..."

931. Wait. "Return the blood to fire."

932. Wait.

933. Return the blood to fire.

934. Burn the life from the undead.

935. Something's happening. Keep it up.

936. "Return the ceremonial corpse to the grave."

937. God, we can't do that.

938. Read it!

939. "Read the words as they are written and of, in the...

940. and in the prescribed manner

941. for these things."

942. Read it.

943. "Prince of Darkness, brethren of hell,

944. masters of the fiery pit,

945. hear the prayers of thy servants,

946. we who have transgressed against thy might."

947. Something's happening. Don't stop.

948. "And grant us pardon, grant us leave,

949. release us from thy vengeance,

950. accept our vow that we shall nevermore transgress

951. against thy awful might."

952. "And ye of the grave whose rest we have defiled,

953. ye sleepers in the eternal night, obey the will

954. of Lucifer, of Demogorgon, of all the lords of hell."

955. "if they should hear our plea, and grant us pardon,

956. grant us leave, seek not our deaths, seek not our souls,

957. obey the will of Lucifer, obey the will of hell,

958. return and sleep and walk no more."

959. It's working. It's working!

960. "Return and sleep. Return and sleep."

961. "Return and sleep!"

962. They're gone.

963. Wait. Listen.

964. All right. We've gotta try it.

965. Don't take anything but a weapon.

966. We can't help him. Let's go.

967. Jeff! Jeff!

968. Jeff!