1. The seminar will begin in flve minutes.Copy !req
2. It will be in room "C".Copy !req
3. So, uh, how about Chow Yun Fat?Copy !req
4. I don't know.
I love Chow Yun Fat.Copy !req
5. - I just don't see him playing Madman.
- Awesome.Copy !req
6. Thank you.Copy !req
7. Could you sign it:
"To a really big fan" ?Copy !req
8. Uh, you bet.Copy !req
9. I love this book, man.
This shit is awesome!Copy !req
10. I wish I was like these guys.
Gettin' stoned,Copy !req
11. talkin' all raw about chicks
and flghtin' supervillains!Copy !req
12. I love these guys! You know what.
They're like Bill and Ted...Copy !req
13. meet Cheech and Chong!Copy !req
14. Yeah. I kind of
like to think of them...Copy !req
15. as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
meet Vladimir and Estragon.Copy !req
16. Yes! Who?Copy !req
17. So, do you, like,
draw this or something?Copy !req
18. I ink it, and I'm also the colorist.
The guy next to me draws it.Copy !req
19. But we both came up
with the characters. Next!Copy !req
20. What does that mean,
you "ink it" ?Copy !req
21. Well, it means that Holden
draws the pictures in pencil.Copy !req
22. And then he gives it to me
to go over in ink. Next!Copy !req
23. So, basically,
you just trace.Copy !req
24. It's, uh, it's not tracing,
all right?Copy !req
25. I add depth and shading to give
the image more deflnition.Copy !req
26. Only then does the drawing
truly take shape.Copy !req
27. No, no, no. You go over what he draws
with a pen, all right? That's tracing.Copy !req
28. Not really. Next.Copy !req
29. Hey, man,
let me ask you somethin'.Copy !req
30. Somebody draws something
and then you draw the exact same thing,Copy !req
31. like, right on top of it without going
outside the original designated art.Copy !req
32. What do you call that?Copy !req
33. - I don't know, man. Tracing?
- See?Copy !req
34. You want your book signed
or what?Copy !req
35. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
36. Don't get all testy just because you
got a problem with your station in life.Copy !req
37. Oh, I'm secure
with what I do.Copy !req
38. Then just say it.
You're a tracer.Copy !req
39. How should I sign this?Copy !req
40. I don't want you
to sign it, man.Copy !req
41. I want the guy who draws Bluntman
& Chronic to sign it.Copy !req
42. - You're just the tracer.
- Tell him, little shaver.Copy !req
43. - Who do I sign it to?Copy !req
44. You fuckin' tracer!Copy !req
45. I'll trace a chalk line around
your dead fuckin' body, you fuck!Copy !req
46. Would you get him
outta here?Copy !req
47. Hey, wait a second! He jumped me!
You fuckin' tracer!Copy !req
48. Your mother's a tracer!Copy !req
49. Can I explain the audience
principle to you?Copy !req
50. if you assault and accost them,
then we have no audience.Copy !req
51. He started it,
fuckin' cock-knocker!Copy !req
52. He's lucky I didn't put
my pen through his thorax!Copy !req
53. Need I remind you?
Curtain's in ten minutes. Okay?Copy !req
54. The Word's Up. Minority
Voices in Comics panel discussion...Copy !req
55. - All right.
- is about to begin in room "F. "Copy !req
56. For years in this industry...Copy !req
57. whenever an African-American
character—hero or villain—Copy !req
58. was introduced, usually,
by white artists and writers,Copy !req
59. they got slapped
with racist names...Copy !req
60. that singled them out
as Negroes.Copy !req
61. Now, my book—Copy !req
62. White Hatin'Coon—Copy !req
63. don't have none
of that bullshit.Copy !req
64. The hero's name is Maleekwa,
a descendant from the black tribe...Copy !req
65. that established
the flrst society on the planet,Copy !req
66. while you European motherfuckers
were still hidin' in caves and shit,Copy !req
67. all terrifled of the sun.Copy !req
68. He's a strong role model that
a young black reader can look up to,Copy !req
69. 'cause I'm here to tell ya: The chickens
is comin' home to roost, y'all.Copy !req
70. The black man's no longer gonna play the
minstrel in comics and sci-fl fantasy.Copy !req
71. We keepin' it real, and we gonna
get respect by any means necessary.Copy !req
72. Ah, come on!
That's a bunch of horseshit!Copy !req
73. Lando Calrissian
was a black guy, you know.Copy !req
74. He got to fy the Millennium Falcon.
What's the matter with you?Copy !req
75. - Who said that?
- I did.Copy !req
76. Lando Calrissian is a positive role
model in science-flction fantasy.Copy !req
77. Fuck Lando Calrissian!
Uncle Tom nigger!Copy !req
78. Always some white boy
gotta invoke the holy trilogy.Copy !req
79. Those movies are about how the
white man keeps the brother man down...Copy !req
80. even in a galaxy
far, far away.Copy !req
81. Check this shit. You got
cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker—Copy !req
82. Nazi poster boy—
blond hair, blue eyes—Copy !req
83. and then you got
Darth Vader.Copy !req
84. The blackest brother
in the galaxy— Nubian God.Copy !req
85. - What's a Nubian?
- Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
86. Now, Vader, he's a spiritual
brother, you know.Copy !req
87. Down with the force
and all that good shit.Copy !req
88. Then this cracker— Skywalker—
gets his hands on a light saber,Copy !req
89. and the boy decides he's gonna
run the fuckin' universe.Copy !req
90. Gets a whole Klan
of whites together.Copy !req
91. And they gonna bust up
Vader's hood, the Death Star.Copy !req
92. Now, what the fuck
do you call that?Copy !req
93. - lntergalactic civil war?
- Gentriflcation!Copy !req
94. They gonna drive out
the black element...Copy !req
95. to make the galaxy
"safe" for white folks.Copy !req
96. And Jedi's the most
insulting installment!Copy !req
97. Because Vader's beautiful
black visage is sullied...Copy !req
98. when he pulls off his mask to reveal
a feeble, crusty, old white man.Copy !req
99. They're tryin'to tell us that deep
inside we all wants to be white!Copy !req
100. Well, isn't that true?Copy !req
101. - Black rage!Copy !req
102. Black rage!
I'll kill any white folks...Copy !req
103. I lay my motherfuckin'eyes on!Copy !req
104. "What's a Nubian?"
Bitch, you almost made me laugh.Copy !req
105. Man, what about you? You didn't tell
me you were gonna scream, " Black rage!"Copy !req
106. I nearly pissed myself.Copy !req
107. How do you manage to get away
with this all the time?Copy !req
108. I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting
your head open right about now?Copy !req
109. - Wrong coast.
- Well, this here, she full of blanks.Copy !req
110. And, uh, Opiate gets all sorts
of legal clearances before I go on.Copy !req
111. So your publisher actually
condones these theatrics?Copy !req
112. Condones? Honey, they insist. I need
to sell the image to sell the book.Copy !req
113. Would the audience still buy
the whole black rage angle...Copy !req
114. if they found out the book
was written by a, a—you know.Copy !req
115. - Faggot?
- When you say it, it sounds so sexy.Copy !req
116. Hey, hey, hey! I'll play your victim,
but not your catcher, all right?Copy !req
117. Hooper, how come you sound like Minister
Farrakhan when you're onstage...Copy !req
118. and the king of pop
when you're not?Copy !req
119. Look out, boys!
This kitten has a whip!Copy !req
120. Always before
I get to speak, you dick.Copy !req
121. - I swear! Jesus!Copy !req
122. The next con I attend, and they
ask me to be on the minority panel,Copy !req
123. if I see your name anywhere
near that list, I'm passing!Copy !req
124. Holden, Banky, this pile
of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones.Copy !req
125. She does that book,
/diosyncratic Routine.Copy !req
126. Oh, I've read your book. It's cute.
Chick stuff, but cute. What?Copy !req
127. Sorry about him. He's, uh,
he's dealing with being an inker.Copy !req
128. Oh. You trace.Copy !req
129. I really like your book. I'm surprised
we never met at any other cons before.Copy !req
130. Yeah, well, lose the dick
or change the skin tone,Copy !req
131. and we can get to know
each other on panel after panel.Copy !req
132. These boys do Bluntman & Chronic, which
outsells both of our books put together.Copy !req
133. Hence, they're never on the panel
with the likes of us.Copy !req
134. They slummin' it right now.Copy !req
135. I promised Alyssa
I'd buy her a post-rave drink.Copy !req
136. Do the Garden Staters have
to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel,Copy !req
137. or can you stay for a round
in the big, scary city?Copy !req
138. - We're gonna go—
- We'll take—Copy !req
139. We'll go.Copy !req
140. Archie. All right?Copy !req
141. Archie and the Riverdale gang were
a pure and fun-lovin' bunch.Copy !req
142. You can't flnd dysfunction in those
comics. They were fat-out wholesome.Copy !req
143. - Archie and Jughead were lovers.
- Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
144. It's true. Archie was the bitch,
andJughead was the butch.Copy !req
145. That's whyJughead wears
that crown-lookin' hat all the time.Copy !req
146. He the king of
Queen Archie's world.Copy !req
147. Man, I feel
a hate crime comin' on.Copy !req
148. Well, you know,
he does have a point.Copy !req
149. I mean, Archie never did quite
settle on Betty or Veronica.Copy !req
150. 'Cause he wanted them both
at the same time, you assholes!Copy !req
151. He didn't choose one, because he was
trying to get them into a three-way.Copy !req
152. - Here.
- What?Copy !req
153. I want you to go down to the corner
store and buy yourself a clue.Copy !req
154. - Go on.
- Eat it, Urkel.Copy !req
155. Uh! I done told you to
watch it with that Urkel shit.Copy !req
156. Face it, girl.
Archie's a sister.Copy !req
157. - That's it. You!
- Moi?Copy !req
158. Yeah, you. You are marching
back across the street with me,Copy !req
159. and we're gonna pick up
a shitload of Archie books.Copy !req
160. And I'm going to prove to you
beyond the shadow of a doubt...Copy !req
161. that Archie
is all about pussy.Copy !req
162. - Come on!Copy !req
163. This boy is conficted.Copy !req
164. I shall play
mother therapist for him.Copy !req
165. You two sit tight.
We shall return promptly.Copy !req
166. Is he always like that?Copy !req
167. Who, him? Yeah.
Ever since the third grade.Copy !req
168. This, uh, this nun was teaching us
about the Blessed Trinity, you know?Copy !req
169. She was going on and on about
the three persons in one God thing.Copy !req
170. Father, Son,
the Holy Spirit.Copy !req
171. Banky just goes ballistic on her.
They got in this huge flght.Copy !req
172. An eight-year-old kid?
How bad could it have been?Copy !req
173. Well, have you ever seen a nun call
a small child a "fucking cunt-rag" ?Copy !req
174. It wasn't pretty.
Shit like that's bound to happen...Copy !req
175. when you make a kid wear
a matching tie and slacks every day.Copy !req
176. Right. And your parochial
school misadventures?Copy !req
177. Oh, mostly limited to
wine-tasting prior to mass.Copy !req
178. Turned me into a grade school
alcoholic altar boy though.Copy !req
179. Can't tell you how many mornings
after serious benders...Copy !req
180. I'd wake up next
to strange priests.Copy !req
181. - Aren't you the sharp wit?
- Sharp? No.Copy !req
182. I'm just a fan of
clergy-molestation humor.Copy !req
183. Probably why the extended family quit
inviting me to flrst communion parties.Copy !req
184. Tsk. You play darts?Copy !req
185. Uh, not professionally.
You know, only in bars.Copy !req
186. I don't know.Copy !req
187. Maybe I should just sign one of those
exclusive deals like you guys.Copy !req
188. Your new book seems
to be selling like mad.Copy !req
189. Well, it all goes back to somethin'
my grandmother told me when I was a kid.Copy !req
190. " Holden," she said, "the big bucks
are in dick and fart jokes."Copy !req
191. - She was a churchgoer.
- Oh!Copy !req
192. The cry from the heart of a real artist
trapped in commercial hell,Copy !req
193. pitying his good fortune.Copy !req
194. I'm sure you can dry your eyes
on all those fat checks you rake in.Copy !req
195. Oh, I'm sorry. What was that? Did l
detect a note of bitter envy in there?Copy !req
196. No, I'm happy my stuff
gets read at all.Copy !req
197. There's very little market
for hearts and fowers...Copy !req
198. in this spandex-clad, big pecs,
big tits, big guns fleld.Copy !req
199. if I sell two issues,
I feel likeJohn Grisham.Copy !req
200. Well, it's all
about marketing.Copy !req
201. Over- or underweight guys that don't
get laid. They're our bread and butter.Copy !req
202. People like those two outside
should be yours.Copy !req
203. And sadly, there are more
of our core audience.Copy !req
204. Kind of gives you a charge though.
See two people like that in love.Copy !req
205. And all over
Banky's car, no less.Copy !req
206. You know, that car's seeing more action
right now than it's seen in years.Copy !req
207. - Bubbly guy. It's hard to flgure out.
- Yeah.Copy !req
208. You gotta respect that kind of display
of affection. You know what I mean?Copy !req
209. Sure, it's crazy.
It's rude. It's self-absorbed.Copy !req
210. But, uh, you know,
it's love.Copy !req
211. - It's not love.
- Oh, says you.Copy !req
212. That out there?
That's feeting.Copy !req
213. - Fleeting?
- Mm-hmm. Well, I gotta split.Copy !req
214. It was really nice meeting you.
Good luck with your book.Copy !req
215. Tell Hooper I'll call him later.
And... tell your friend to calm down.Copy !req
216. Shut up already.Copy !req
217. You shut up!
You're insane.Copy !req
218. Archie is not fucking
Mr. Weatherbee!Copy !req
219. Deny, deny, deny.Copy !req
220. - Where's Alyssa?
- She left, said she'd call you later.Copy !req
221. Look, he's just offering to help Archie
with his fuckin' homework!Copy !req
222. Read between
the lines, bitch.Copy !req
223. Fuck this. Let's go.
Trafflc.Copy !req
224. - Holden!
- What?Copy !req
225. - Let's go!
- See that dent in the hood of your car?Copy !req
226. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
227. Let me guess.
You like her.Copy !req
228. - Who?
- Miss Alyssa Jones.Copy !req
229. - She's all right.
- As long as that's all.Copy !req
230. This is one of the best streetlights
you've ever drawn.Copy !req
231. It's the one from across the street
from the post offlce.Copy !req
232. - Looks just like it.
- Thanks.Copy !req
233. So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?Copy !req
234. I don't know. Get a pizza.
Watch DegrassiJunior High.Copy !req
235. You got a weird thing
for Canadian melodrama.Copy !req
236. I got a weird thing
for girls who say "aboot."Copy !req
237. - Bank Holdup.Copy !req
238. Hooper here. Listen, I know how
you 'burb flends hate the city,Copy !req
239. but there's a club shindig goin' down
tonight I think you'd really get into.Copy !req
240. - Where is it?
- Meow Mix. I'm temping as barkeep.Copy !req
241. Oh, I don't know, Hoop.Copy !req
242. We're prepping the next issue. We got
that stupid meeting in the morning.Copy !req
243. - I told her you wouldn't be interested.
- Told who?Copy !req
244. Alyssa.Copy !req
245. Alyssa from last night Alyssa?Copy !req
246. How do you begin and end a question
with the same word like that?Copy !req
247. You got skill.
Yes, that one!Copy !req
248. She asked me to invite you.
Now, here's the part where you say—Copy !req
249. - I'll be there.
- Thought so. 10:00. Later.Copy !req
250. - Who was that?
- Hooper. He invited me to a club.Copy !req
251. Man, when's that faggot gonna learn?
You like chicks.Copy !req
252. - Not that kind of club.
- So when we leavin' ?Copy !req
253. We? You can't go.
He's hookin' me up with Alyssa.Copy !req
254. - And?
- And I don't want you messing it up.Copy !req
255. I care about your shit.
Maybe I'll hook up myself.Copy !req
256. I told you. It's not
that kind of club.Copy !req
257. How does one man
get to be so funny?Copy !req
258. Look, how you gonna get
home when I hook up, huh?Copy !req
259. - Like that'll happen.
- Let me explain, my witless chum.Copy !req
260. The other night, we two,
Alyssa and l,Copy !req
261. we, uh, well,
we shared a moment.Copy !req
262. - Oh, you had a moment.
- No.Copy !req
263. We shared a moment,
all right?Copy !req
264. And in that moment, one thing
was made abundantly clear.Copy !req
265. This girl loves me,
my friend.Copy !req
266. Loves me. You know
what I'm sayin' ?Copy !req
267. Ah, who's your daddy nowCopy !req
268. Come on. Mmm.Copy !req
269. - Ah
- Shut up!Copy !req
270. It's your birthday
It's your birthdayCopy !req
271. Go, Sheila, it's your birthday
Go, Sheila, /t's your birthdayCopy !req
272. All right.
Bring on the free hootch.Copy !req
273. Free? I didn't invite your tired ass.
So, where's your better half?Copy !req
274. Takin' a piss. The guy's got
a bladder like an infant.Copy !req
275. That's funny. He says
you're hung like an infant.Copy !req
276. Does his mother
tell him everything?Copy !req
277. - Hey!
- What'd you do, fall in love?Copy !req
278. - Where is she?
- Over there.Copy !req
279. Look at her in her net shirt. Been
dancin'for an hour. Hasn't stopped yet.Copy !req
280. She ain't no Deney Terrio,
I'll say that.Copy !req
281. Listen, if I'm not back by Tuesday,
call my mother. All right?Copy !req
282. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's somethin' you should know.Copy !req
283. - She got a boyfriend?
- Well, no.Copy !req
284. Then what's to know, my friend?
What's to know?Copy !req
285. Hey, lady! You fucked up
my cabbage patch!Copy !req
286. Well, well, well, if it isn't Bluntman
himself, or should I call you Chronic?Copy !req
287. Call me fattered. I heard you sent me
the invite to this little soiree.Copy !req
288. From a former hometown girl
to Mr. Hometown himself.Copy !req
289. - You're saying you're from the 'burbs?
- Middletown, New JerseyCopy !req
290. - Get outta here! I'm from Highlands!
- I know. Hooper told me.Copy !req
291. How is it that we never
ran into one another?Copy !req
292. - Did you graduate from Hudson?
- Yeah, '88.Copy !req
293. - I went to North.
- What a small fuckin' world.Copy !req
294. - So you know the tri-town area?
- Quiz me.Copy !req
295. - Miller Hill?
- I wrote my name on the wall.Copy !req
296. - Sandy Hook?
- Lost my virginity there.Copy !req
297. - This is so cool. The mall?
- Eton preppy or Menlo Park?Copy !req
298. Oh, no. Here's the big test.
Quick Stop?Copy !req
299. My best friend fucked
a dead guy in the bathroom.Copy !req
300. - You know that girl?
- I did, before she was committed.Copy !req
301. There's a lot of chicks
in this place.Copy !req
302. Chicks? You're such a man.Copy !req
303. You know what this is?
This is fate.Copy !req
304. No, this is "The Rog."Copy !req
305. I'm talking about us meeting.
What are the chances?Copy !req
306. Pretty slim. I haven't been back
to the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.Copy !req
307. - The Quick Stop girl died?
- Uh-uh. Another girl.Copy !req
308. - Julie Dwyer. She died in the—
- The YMCA pool! Damn!Copy !req
309. - You knew her too?
- So well.Copy !req
310. Wow! One friend in the asylum,
the other friend in the grave.Copy !req
311. - You're a dangerous person to know.
- Ah, but I can tap.Copy !req
312. - That's the Buffalo two-step.
- Yeah, well, it's very solid.Copy !req
313. That's what six years
of tap lessons yields.Copy !req
314. Two towns away from each other
for years, we had to meet in New York.Copy !req
315. Could have been worse.
Could have not met at all.Copy !req
316. Okay, we're back.Copy !req
317. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
318. So, a long time ago, we used
to have this bass player,Copy !req
319. who took off one day to draw
funny books or something.Copy !req
320. Maybe you've heard of her stuff?
/diosyncratic Routine?Copy !req
321. But what a lot of people
don't know...Copy !req
322. is that she used to harbor
these delusions that she could sing,Copy !req
323. and she used to subject us to throaty
renditions of Debbie Gibson tunes.Copy !req
324. So, she's here tonight,
and I think if we all beg her...Copy !req
325. or maybe offer her
some "X,"Copy !req
326. she'll come up here and treat us
to some of her vocal stylings.Copy !req
327. What do ya say, Alyssa?Copy !req
328. - Yeah!Copy !req
329. Oh, she's shy!Copy !req
330. Get up here and sing, bitch!Copy !req
331. All right!
Go. Go up there.Copy !req
332. Whoo!Copy !req
333. Whoo! Yea!Copy !req
334. What am I doing here?
This is so fucking gay.Copy !req
335. She is such a cunt.Copy !req
336. You guys know the one
I wanna do, right?Copy !req
337. All right. I should
dedicate this, right?Copy !req
338. This is for that
someone special out there.Copy !req
339. Ready?Copy !req
340. I'm feelin' awfulCopy !req
341. But all aloneCopy !req
342. Just missin' someoneCopy !req
343. .I don't even knowCopy !req
344. . But until I filnd himCopy !req
345. I'll wait patientlyCopy !req
346. Just feelin' nothin'Copy !req
347. lnside of meCopy !req
348. And where are you, babyCopy !req
349. Where can you beCopy !req
350. Why aren't you hereCopy !req
351. Lovin' meCopy !req
352. 'Cause I want to kiss youCopy !req
353. . And make you feel rightCopy !req
354. .I want to lay with youCopy !req
355. . All through the nightCopy !req
356. And I wanna feel passion
I wanna feel painCopy !req
357. I wanna weep at
the sound of your nameCopy !req
358. Come make me laugh
or come make me cryCopy !req
359. Just make me feel aliveCopy !req
360. . And so I'll waitCopy !req
361. For that glorious dayCopy !req
362. When the one I dream ofCopy !req
363. Comes my wayCopy !req
364. . And when our lips touchCopy !req
365. .So tenderlyCopy !req
366. I know I'll feel
somethin'Copy !req
367. ./nside of meCopy !req
368. I wanna feel passion
I wanna feel painCopy !req
369. I wanna weep at
the sound of your nameCopy !req
370. Come make me laugh
or come make me cryCopy !req
371. . Just make me feelCopy !req
372. AliveCopy !req
373. Yeah! Whoo!Copy !req
374. Whoo!Copy !req
375. Hot!Copy !req
376. Now, that, my friend,
is a shared moment.Copy !req
377. - What?
- It's rude.Copy !req
378. When are we gonna get a chance to see
this shit live without payin' for it?Copy !req
379. - Sorry. It's just new to him.
- Oh, and you're an old hand at this?Copy !req
380. No, no, I should apologize. I don't
normally get all mushy in public,Copy !req
381. but it's been a while
since I've seen Kim here.Copy !req
382. You know what?
I wanna dance.Copy !req
383. Go ahead.
I'll watch from here.Copy !req
384. No!
I wanna dance with you!Copy !req
385. Don't be a rag. I have to sit here and
work up the desire to fuck you later.Copy !req
386. Please!Copy !req
387. Yes?Copy !req
388. You said "fuck."
She said "fuck."Copy !req
389. You said "fuck" to that girl.
You said that you'd fuck her.Copy !req
390. - And?
- How can a girl fuck another girl?Copy !req
391. Were you talking about
strap-ons or something?Copy !req
392. - Oh, Jesus. Would you shut up?
- What?Copy !req
393. It's okay.Copy !req
394. I don't know how many times
I can apologize for him.Copy !req
395. No, Banky, I've never
used a strap-on.Copy !req
396. Then what's with
saying "fuck" ?Copy !req
397. Shouldn't you say "eat her out" or
modify the term "fuck" with "flst" ?Copy !req
398. Let me ask you a question.
Can men fuck each other?Copy !req
399. - You asking for my permission?
- In your estimation.Copy !req
400. Sure.Copy !req
401. So, for you,
to fuck is to penetrate.Copy !req
402. You're used to the more
traditional deflnition.Copy !req
403. You, inside some girl you've
duped, jackhammerin' away,Copy !req
404. not noticing that
bored look in her eyes.Copy !req
405. Hey, I always notice that bored look
in their eyes, all right?Copy !req
406. Fucking is not limited
to penetration, Banky.Copy !req
407. For me, it describes any sex
when it's not totally about love.Copy !req
408. I don't love Kim,
but I'll fuck her.Copy !req
409. I'm sure you don't love
every girl you sleep with.Copy !req
410. Some of them
I downright loathe.Copy !req
411. Aha, but I'll bet it's different
with the ones you do love.Copy !req
412. Like, you'll go down
on 'em longer.Copy !req
413. - Here we go.
- I don't do that.Copy !req
414. - What?
- I stopped. It got to be frustrating.Copy !req
415. As stupid as you usually come off
during this little diatribe of yours,Copy !req
416. you're gonna come off ten times
as stupid on this occasion.Copy !req
417. I lost my tolerance for the baggage
that comes with eating girls out.Copy !req
418. What's the big deal?Copy !req
419. if you say the smell,
so help me, I will slug you.Copy !req
420. Not the smell.
The smell is good.Copy !req
421. I'm talkin' about not being
able to do it properly.Copy !req
422. My mother
brought me up to believe...Copy !req
423. if I can't do something right,
I shouldn't do it at all.Copy !req
424. Of course, my father told me she gave
lousy head, but that's beside the point.Copy !req
425. Well, at least you blame yourself
for your sexual inadequacies.Copy !req
426. No. I blame them.Copy !req
427. Chicks never help you out.
They never tell you what to do, right?Copy !req
428. And most of them are all self-conscious
about the smell factor.Copy !req
429. And, so, most of the time, they just lay
there frozen like a deer in headlights.Copy !req
430. I mean, not for nothin',
but when a chick goes down on me,Copy !req
431. I let her know where to go
and what the status is.Copy !req
432. You gotta handle it like
CNN and the Weather Channel.Copy !req
433. Constant updates.Copy !req
434. - You are such an idiot.Copy !req
435. No, no, he's got a point.
I mean, that's how I was in high school.Copy !req
436. You know, all nervous and
inhibited about being eaten out.Copy !req
437. But by the time I got
to college, that all changed.Copy !req
438. I've loosened up.Copy !req
439. I was like one of those guys at
the airport with those big fashlights,Copy !req
440. wavin' 'em this way, directin' 'em
that way, tellin' 'em when to stop.Copy !req
441. And that's all I'm sayin'. It would
be different if chicks helped out.Copy !req
442. You know, pointed a guy
in the right direction.Copy !req
443. There'd be no bullshit, no wasted time
and no chance for permanent injuries.Copy !req
444. Permanent injuries?Copy !req
445. Sure. You wanna see
somethin' permanent?Copy !req
446. - See that?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
447. I got that from Nina Rollins,
sophomore year.Copy !req
448. I'm goin' down on her,
right?Copy !req
449. - Out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her.Copy !req
450. She does this big pelvic thrust, cracks
my tooth and sends it down my throat.Copy !req
451. I had to get a crown
for the stub.Copy !req
452. I got that beat.
I got that beat.Copy !req
453. Junior year, I'm goin'down
on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room.Copy !req
454. I'm totally drunk, and in the middle
of it, I fall asleep right in her lap.Copy !req
455. She got so mad,
she digs her heel into my back.Copy !req
456. - Ow!
- Right there. That's permanent.Copy !req
457. All right. All right.
See this?Copy !req
458. That's the farthest I can
move my neck to the right.Copy !req
459. Again, sophomore year,
I'm goin' out with Brandy Svining.Copy !req
460. And for six months, I'm goin' down
on her. Not a damn thing's happening.Copy !req
461. So, one night, I change a position
or vary my lapping speed,Copy !req
462. and suddenly it's
a whole new world.Copy !req
463. She's movin' around,
convulsing, breathing heavy,Copy !req
464. and her legs are pressed up
against my ears so tightly...Copy !req
465. that I don't hear her father
come into the room.Copy !req
466. He grabs my hair and
pulls me way back, hard.Copy !req
467. Senior year,
spring formal.Copy !req
468. I'm eatin' out Missy Kurt
in her brother's car.Copy !req
469. She's layin' across the backseat. I'm
half hangin' out, knees on the ground.Copy !req
470. She's failin' around, and she—
she knocks the parking brake off.Copy !req
471. The car starts
rolling down the hill.Copy !req
472. And my left knee
is cut up to shit...Copy !req
473. like a kiddy's scissors class
cut it up for paper dolls!Copy !req
474. Whoa! Hey!
Look at the time.Copy !req
475. We gotta— We gotta
beat that trafflc, huh?Copy !req
476. What trafflc?
It's 1:30 in the morning.Copy !req
477. And rush hour
starts in six hours. Let's go.Copy !req
478. Uh, thanks for inviting us out.
It was educational.Copy !req
479. Come on.Copy !req
480. Since you like
chicks, right,Copy !req
481. you just look at yourself naked
in the mirror all the time?Copy !req
482. Look, here's the deal.Copy !req
483. When we get in there, don't be a
complete Potzer, like last night.Copy !req
484. This is business now, okay?Copy !req
485. Oh, why are you in such a bad mood?
Still dwelling on that dyke?Copy !req
486. - Hey, knock it off, will you?
- What'd I tell you?Copy !req
487. She just needs
the right guy.Copy !req
488. All every woman really wants
is some serious deep-dicking.Copy !req
489. - Sorry.Copy !req
490. See, that's why
I can't buy lesbians.Copy !req
491. Everyone needs dick.Copy !req
492. See, I can buy fags,
a bunch of guys that need dick.Copy !req
493. You know, just plain need it.
That I get.Copy !req
494. Dykes?
Bullshit posturing.Copy !req
495. But, live and let live,
I guess.Copy !req
496. I'm sure the gay community
appreciates your support.Copy !req
497. We'd like to start off by saying that it
is a real pleasure to flnally meet you.Copy !req
498. Absolute pleasure.Copy !req
499. One of the reasons we started this whole
thing was to filnally meet the guys...Copy !req
500. that do Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
501. - Snootchie bootchies!
- Huh?Copy !req
502. Which now brings us
to our proposal.Copy !req
503. Look, fellas, the days
of Butt-Head are over.Copy !req
504. We're interested in doing 12 half-hour
Bluntman & Chronic cartoons.Copy !req
505. What do you say?Copy !req
506. Are we in business?Copy !req
507. The boy wonder.Copy !req
508. Batman and Robin, the dynamic
duo against crime and corruption.Copy !req
509. Yeah, hi. Somebody told me
they make comic books here,Copy !req
510. which is so weird, because I have
this great idea for a story.Copy !req
511. It's about a guy who comes
to this club and—Copy !req
512. hightails it
when he flnds out—Copy !req
513. Ready for this?Copy !req
514. This girl is gay.Copy !req
515. Any interest
in a story like that?Copy !req
516. - An animated series?
- Twelve episodes.Copy !req
517. - Well, that's great, isn't it?
- Banky seems to think so.Copy !req
518. - But you don't.
- Well, l—Copy !req
519. I don't know if that's the perception
I want people to have of our work.Copy !req
520. I know this sounds pretentious
as hell, but...Copy !req
521. I'd like to think of us
as artists, you know?Copy !req
522. I'd like to get back to doing something
more personal, like our flrst book.Copy !req
523. Well, when are you
gonna do that?Copy !req
524. When we have something
personal to say.Copy !req
525. I weirded you out
the other night.Copy !req
526. Uh, no, not really.Copy !req
527. - Oh, come on!
- Well, it's just—Copy !req
528. I'd never seen that kind of thing
up close and personal before.Copy !req
529. It just took a while
to process.Copy !req
530. You wanna talk about it?Copy !req
531. if you want to.Copy !req
532. I like you, Holden.Copy !req
533. I haven't liked a man
in a long time.Copy !req
534. And it's not because I'm a man-hater
or something like that.Copy !req
535. It's just been some time since I've
been exposed to a man that didn't...Copy !req
536. immediately live into
a stereotype of some sort.Copy !req
537. And I want you to feel
comfortable with me,Copy !req
538. because I'd really like us
to be friends.Copy !req
539. So if there's anything you
wanna know, it's okay to ask me.Copy !req
540. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
541. Okay. Why girls?Copy !req
542. - Why men?
- Well, because that's the standard.Copy !req
543. if that's the only reason
you're attracted to women—Copy !req
544. No, it's more than that.Copy !req
545. So you've never been
curious about men?Copy !req
546. Curious? Well, I always wondered
why my father watched Hee Haw, but—Copy !req
547. - You know what I mean.
- No.Copy !req
548. - Why not?
- No interest.Copy !req
549. - Because?
- Girls feel right.Copy !req
550. Well, that's how I feel. You know,
I've never really been attracted to men.Copy !req
551. - Well, so, you're still a virgin then?
- No.Copy !req
552. But you've only
been with girls.Copy !req
553. So you're saying
a person is a virgin...Copy !req
554. until they've had intercourse
with a member of the opposite sex.Copy !req
555. isn't that
the standard deflnition?Copy !req
556. Again with your standards.Copy !req
557. I think virginity is lost
when you make love for the flrst time.Copy !req
558. - With a member of the opposite sex.
- Why? Why only then?Copy !req
559. Because that's the standard.
What do you want me to tell ya?Copy !req
560. So if a virgin is raped,
then she's still a virgin?Copy !req
561. - No, of course not.
- But rape is not the standard.Copy !req
562. So she's had sex, but not
the standard idea of sex.Copy !req
563. Hence, according to your deflnition,
she'd still be a virgin.Copy !req
564. - Okay, flne, I'll revise.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
565. Virginity is
lost when the hymen is broken.Copy !req
566. - Then I lost my virginity at ten.
- Really?Copy !req
567. 'Cause, see, I fell on a fence post
when I was ten, and it broke my hymen.Copy !req
568. Okay. Second revision.Copy !req
569. Virginity is lost
through penetration.Copy !req
570. Physical penetration
or emotional.Copy !req
571. - Emotional penetration?
- Mmm.Copy !req
572. I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree
when we were in high school.Copy !req
573. Physical penetration.Copy !req
574. - We had sex.
- Yeah, but not real sex.Copy !req
575. I move to have that remark
stricken from the record,Copy !req
576. on account of it makes you come off
as completely naive and infantile.Copy !req
577. Well, where's the penetration
in lesbian sex? l—Copy !req
578. A flnger? I've had my flnger up my
ass. I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.Copy !req
579. Observe.Copy !req
580. You're kidding me!
How?Copy !req
581. Our bodies are built to pass
a child, for Christ's sake.Copy !req
582. Yeah, but I mean—Jesus!
Doesn't that hurt?Copy !req
583. - Sure, but in that good way.
- Oh.Copy !req
584. And it's only a once-in-a-while thing
reserved for really special occasions.Copy !req
585. - How about not-so-special occasions?
- Tongue only.Copy !req
586. Well, but see— Come on.
That's what I'm sayin'.Copy !req
587. It's like, how can that be enough?
How big can a tongue really get?Copy !req
588. My God.Copy !req
589. Let's go.Copy !req
590. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
591. You're really gonna have
to give me a minute, I think.Copy !req
592. Would you stop futzing with
your fuckin'bag? We're late already.Copy !req
593. I have to get something.
- Look, man, we miss this train,Copy !req
594. I'm gonna shitcan you
and just hire Charles Schulz.Copy !req
595. Oh, my God. Who are you?
Larry Fucking Flynt?Copy !req
596. - What are you gonna do with all those?
- Read the articles.Copy !req
597. What do you think I'm gonna do
with 'em? They're stroke books, stupid.Copy !req
598. You got, like, 30 books in there.
We're only gonna be gone for two days.Copy !req
599. Variety is the spice of life.
I like a wide selection.Copy !req
600. Sometimes I'm in the mood
for nasty close-ups.Copy !req
601. Sometimes I like 'em
arty and airbrushed.Copy !req
602. Sometimes it's a spread
brown-eye kind of night.Copy !req
603. - Sometimes it's girl-on-girl time.Copy !req
604. Sometimes
a steamy letter will do.Copy !req
605. Sometimes, not often,
but sometimes...Copy !req
606. I like the idea
of a chick with a horse.Copy !req
607. Go get our tickets.
I gotta call Alyssa.Copy !req
608. - His master's voice.
- Put that stuff away!Copy !req
609. Hi.Copy !req
610. One minute, flve seconds.
Ah, you are such my bitch.Copy !req
611. What's up?
I'm about to get on a train.Copy !req
612. - Oh! Why?
- Last-minute invite to the Boston Con.Copy !req
613. - Shit.
- What?Copy !req
614. Well, my sister's at my parents',
and I was gonna go see her.Copy !req
615. - The one that wrote the book?
- Yeah.Copy !req
616. But I was stayin' all weekend. L
wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.Copy !req
617. You know, um, both of us
don't have to go.Copy !req
618. - Really?
- Yeah. Banky can do this by himself.Copy !req
619. I mean, you know, it's not like we're on
a panel. It's just a signing appearance.Copy !req
620. if you come pick me up,
I'll be your best friend.Copy !req
621. Where's your apartment?Copy !req
622. And then Black Beauty
couldn't take it any longer,Copy !req
623. and he flnally did
some of his own mounting.Copy !req
624. What are you doing?Copy !req
625. I think I want kids of my own
one day. They're fun.Copy !req
626. Listen to me. I'm not going. You're
gonna have to do this one by yourself.Copy !req
627. - What? Why?
- Alyssa's comin' down for the weekend.Copy !req
628. I'm gonna hang out with her.
You don't need me for this.Copy !req
629. Look, I'll take the bags.
You can, uh, keep the fllth.Copy !req
630. I'll pick you up
at 9:00 Sunday night.Copy !req
631. Don't forget to plug the annual,
and don't mention the TV show, okay?Copy !req
632. Call me if you get bored.Copy !req
633. All aboard!Copy !req
634. Explain this again.Copy !req
635. How could you have grown up
on the shore and never played skee-ball?Copy !req
636. What did you do
with your youth?Copy !req
637. Stayed out late,
smoked pot, screwed around.Copy !req
638. Not your grade school years,
your high school years.Copy !req
639. - This looks complicated.
- Jesus. Potzer, uh—Copy !req
640. - The premise is very basic, okay?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
641. You roll the ball up the rampart in an
effort to pop it into the score circle.Copy !req
642. The higher the score,
the more prize tickets you get.Copy !req
643. Well, what do you do
with the prize tickets?Copy !req
644. You trade them in
for prizes,Copy !req
645. which are not worth nearly as much
as you've paid to play the game.Copy !req
646. - Well, what's the point?
- It's fun.Copy !req
647. And you question
my lifestyle.Copy !req
648. - Observe.Copy !req
649. See? It's just that simple.Copy !req
650. Well, why not just walk up there
and put it in the 50 every time—Copy !req
651. - Well, where's the skill in that?
- Oh, this is a skill.Copy !req
652. I'm sorry.
I had no idea.Copy !req
653. Just toss one.Copy !req
654. Uh, I'm sorry there, man.
She's a little new at this.Copy !req
655. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
656. Underhand, okay?
Throw it underhand.Copy !req
657. And this is where you take
straight chicks on dates.Copy !req
658. This place is like Spanish fy.Copy !req
659. This will probably be the flrst time
I don't score afterward.Copy !req
660. I don't know. I'm starting to get
a tingle in my bottom.Copy !req
661. - Ten.
- Very nice.Copy !req
662. - So, what'd you do last night?
- Got laid.Copy !req
663. Some more of that, uh, skill
you were tellin' me about?Copy !req
664. .I never will regret thisCopy !req
665. .I never will, never will
Never will regret thisCopy !req
666. . Never will regret thisCopy !req
667. .I never will, never will
Never will regret thisCopy !req
668. Well, give us today
and I'm not scared to sayCopy !req
669. .I'm afraidCopy !req
670. Yes, I have
a couple of hesitationsCopy !req
671. . And I'll open the doorCopy !req
672. . And I wonder
if she might come inCopy !req
673. . And do you really need
an invitation nowCopy !req
674. 'Cause I think I'm feeling
really something todayCopy !req
675. Yes, I think I feel
a little spark, heyCopy !req
676. Are you sure that
control is working, Banky?Copy !req
677. I thought you lived
in the city.Copy !req
678. It's like the umpteenth time
I've seen ya here.Copy !req
679. isn't that grounds for the little pink
mafla to throw you outta their club?Copy !req
680. Hey! That's
the last time.Copy !req
681. .I think I feel
a little spark, heyCopy !req
682. .A little jump start
Never will forget thisCopy !req
683. .I never will, never will
Never will forget thisCopy !req
684. . Never will forget thisCopy !req
685. .I never will, never will
Never will forget thisCopy !req
686. . Never will forget thisCopy !req
687. .I never will, never will
Never will forget thisCopy !req
688. . Never will forget thisCopy !req
689. .I never will, never will
Never will forget thisCopy !req
690. - Wow. How bad do you suck?Copy !req
691. - How was your pseudo date?Copy !req
692. - Leave it alone.
- That chick bugs me.Copy !req
693. - No, everyone bugs you.
- Get off!Copy !req
694. - Fuckin' faggot. Did you see that?Copy !req
695. Your dyke-courting ass
just got me scored on.Copy !req
696. You know, you should
watch that, man.Copy !req
697. if you're gonna get so bent
outta shape while playing the game—Copy !req
698. so much so that you feel
the need to curse the TV—Copy !req
699. try not to gay bash it,
all right?Copy !req
700. You're not
that kind of guy.Copy !req
701. And don't call her a dyke.
She's a lesbian. Okay?Copy !req
702. What the fuck
is goin' on here?Copy !req
703. - I'm starting a new page?
- Not with this shit! With you!Copy !req
704. What the fuck is goin' on
with you and that girl?Copy !req
705. - We're just friends!
- She's programming you!Copy !req
706. I beg your pardon?
Programming?Copy !req
707. Yeah, and apparently you don't
even fuckin' realize it.Copy !req
708. What does it matter
if I refer to her as a dyke?Copy !req
709. Or if I call the Whalers faggots
in the privacy of my own offlce...Copy !req
710. far from the sensitive ears
of the rest of the world?Copy !req
711. Look, man, it's
passive-aggressive gay bashing.Copy !req
712. And I know you're not really
prejudiced at heart.Copy !req
713. I think you should flnd some other way
to express your anger is all I'm saying.Copy !req
714. What are you doing?Copy !req
715. Just bear with me here. I want to
put you through this little exercise.Copy !req
716. All right, now, see this?
This is a four-way road, okay?Copy !req
717. And dead in the center is a crisp,
new hundred-dollar bill.Copy !req
718. Now, at the end of each of these streets
are four people. Okay? You following?Copy !req
719. - Yeah.
- Good.Copy !req
720. Over here we have a male-affectionate,
easy-to-get-along-with,Copy !req
721. nonpolitical-agenda
lesbian.Copy !req
722. Down here we have
a man-hating, angry-as-fuck,Copy !req
723. agenda-of-rage,
bitter dyke.Copy !req
724. Over here we got Santa Claus,
and up here, the Easter Bunny.Copy !req
725. Which one is going to get
to the hundred-dollar bill flrst?Copy !req
726. - What is this supposed to prove?
- No, I'm serious.Copy !req
727. This is a serious exercise.
It's like an S.A.T. question.Copy !req
728. Which one is going to get
to the hundred-dollar bill flrst?Copy !req
729. The male-friendly lesbian?
The man-hating dyke?Copy !req
730. Santa Claus
or the Easter Bunny?Copy !req
731. - The man-hating dyke.
- Good.Copy !req
732. - Why?
- I don't know.Copy !req
733. Because the other three are flgments
of your fucking imagination!Copy !req
734. I don't need this. I'll be hiding
from your fuckin' shit in my room.Copy !req
735. - What?
- What is it about this girl, man?Copy !req
736. You know you have no shot
at getting her into bed!Copy !req
737. Why do you bother
wasting time with her?Copy !req
738. - Because you're Holden Fucking McNeil.
- Right.Copy !req
739. Most persistent traveler on the road.
That's not the path of least resistance.Copy !req
740. Everything's gotta be
a fuckin' challenge for you.Copy !req
741. And this little relationship
with that bitch...Copy !req
742. is a prime example
of your fucking condition.Copy !req
743. Well, I don't need a magic eight ball
to look into your future.Copy !req
744. You want a forecast? Here.
Will Holden ever fuck Alyssa?Copy !req
745. Oh, what a shock.
Not fucking likely.Copy !req
746. This relationship is affecting you,
our work and our friendship.Copy !req
747. The time's gonna come when I throw down
the gauntlet and say, "It's me or her."Copy !req
748. - Then what are you gonna say?
- I say you should let this one go!Copy !req
749. No. What would you say? Would you
trash 20 years of fuckin' friendship...Copy !req
750. because you've got
some idiotic notion...Copy !req
751. that this chick would even let you
sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?Copy !req
752. Look, fuckin' asshole,
I'm telling you, okay? Let it go!Copy !req
753. What the fuck, man?Copy !req
754. What the fuck makes this bitch
all that important?Copy !req
755. 'Cause I'm fuckin' in love
with her, man, okay?Copy !req
756. Fuck.Copy !req
757. - Well, I thought it was love
- Thought it was loveCopy !req
758. 'Cause my heart—Copy !req
759. Wish you were the one being
pursued for the cartoon.Copy !req
760. Oh, really?Copy !req
761. Yeah, then maybe you could sell out and
pick up a check every once in a while.Copy !req
762. We're leaving?Copy !req
763. Well, it's not like
this is a bed and breakfast.Copy !req
764. I've got a little business
to conduct.Copy !req
765. Hello there.
Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
766. Are you an authorized deal maker
in this establishment?Copy !req
767. Do you have the power
to negotiate?Copy !req
768. You wanna haggle over the price
of your French dip?Copy !req
769. No, I wanna haggle
over the price of flne art.Copy !req
770. - What do you mean?
- There. By the kitchen.Copy !req
771. See? That painting.Copy !req
772. - What about it?
- The price tag says 75.Copy !req
773. - So?
- Tell me you're kidding.Copy !req
774. - I'll give you 50.Copy !req
775. Manuel, could you bring the Dyksiezski
down off the wall, please?Copy !req
776. My new Dyksiezski.Copy !req
777. - Where are you gonna hang it?
- I'm not. You are.Copy !req
778. Oh? You want me
to hang it for you?Copy !req
779. You better hope it doesn't
get out to the girl nation...Copy !req
780. you needed a man
to help you hang a picture.Copy !req
781. No, no, no. You're going
to hang it in your house.Copy !req
782. - Yeah, right.
- I'm serious.Copy !req
783. - Why?
- Because it's captured the moment.Copy !req
784. It'll be a constant reminder,
not just of tonight,Copy !req
785. but of our introduction, of the building
of our friendship, everything.Copy !req
786. Make no mistake about it, my friend,
it is a gift from me to you,Copy !req
787. so you'll always
remember us.Copy !req
788. Why are we stopping?Copy !req
789. - Because I can't take this.
- Can't take what?Copy !req
790. I love you.Copy !req
791. You love me?Copy !req
792. I love you and not,
not in a friendly way.Copy !req
793. Although, I think
we're great friends.Copy !req
794. And not in a misplaced
affection, puppy dog way.Copy !req
795. Although, I'm sure
that's what you'll call it.Copy !req
796. I love you. Very—Copy !req
797. Very simple.
Very truly.Copy !req
798. You are the epitome of everything I have
ever looked for in another human being.Copy !req
799. And I know that you think of me
as just a friend,Copy !req
800. and crossing that line is the furthest
thing from an option...Copy !req
801. you would ever consider,Copy !req
802. but—
I had to say it.Copy !req
803. I just—
I can't take this anymore.Copy !req
804. I can't stand next to you
without wanting to hold you.Copy !req
805. I can't— I can't look into
your eyes without feeling that—Copy !req
806. that longing you only read about
in trashy romance novels.Copy !req
807. I can't talk to you without wanting to
express my love for everything you are.Copy !req
808. And I know this will probably queer
our friendship— no pun intended—Copy !req
809. but I had to say it.Copy !req
810. 'Cause I've never
felt this way before.Copy !req
811. And I don't care.
I like who I am because of it.Copy !req
812. And if bringing this to light
means we can't hang out anymore,Copy !req
813. then that hurts me.Copy !req
814. But, God, I just— I couldn't
allow another day to go by...Copy !req
815. without just getting it out there,
regardless of the outcome,Copy !req
816. which, by the look on your face,
is to be the inevitable...Copy !req
817. shoot down.Copy !req
818. And, you know,
I'll accept that.Copy !req
819. But I know— I know that some part
of you is hesitating for a moment.Copy !req
820. And if there's a moment of hesitation,
then that means you feel something too.Copy !req
821. And all I ask, please,
is that you just—Copy !req
822. you just not dismiss that and try
to dwell in it for just ten seconds.Copy !req
823. Ah.Copy !req
824. Alyssa.Copy !req
825. There isn't another soul
on this fucking planet...Copy !req
826. who has ever made me half the person
I am when I'm with you.Copy !req
827. And I would risk this friendship for the
chance to take it to the next plateau,Copy !req
828. because it is there
between you and me.Copy !req
829. You can't deny that.Copy !req
830. Even if, you know—Copy !req
831. Even if we never talk again
after tonight,Copy !req
832. please know that
I am forever changed...Copy !req
833. because of who you are
and what you've meant to me,Copy !req
834. which, while I do
appreciate it,Copy !req
835. I'd never need a painting of birds
bought at a diner to remind me of.Copy !req
836. Oh, God.Copy !req
837. Was it something I said?Copy !req
838. Fuck.Copy !req
839. - What are you doing?
- Get in the car and get outta here!Copy !req
840. - You're gonna hitch to New York?
- Yep!Copy !req
841. - Aren't you at least gonna comment?
- Here's my comment: Fuck you!Copy !req
842. - Why?
- That was so unfair.Copy !req
843. You know how unfair that was.Copy !req
844. What? It's unfair
that I'm in love with you?Copy !req
845. No, it's unfortunate
that you're in love with me.Copy !req
846. It's unfair you felt the fuckin' need
to unburden your soul about it.Copy !req
847. Do you remember for
one fucking second who I am?Copy !req
848. So? I mean, you know,
people change.Copy !req
849. Oh! Oh!
It's that simple!Copy !req
850. You fall in love with me and
want a romantic relationship.Copy !req
851. Nothing changes for you...Copy !req
852. with the exception of feeling
hunky-dory all the time.Copy !req
853. But what about me, Holden?
It's not that simple!Copy !req
854. I just can't get into
a relationship with you...Copy !req
855. without throwing my whole
fucking world into upheaval.Copy !req
856. That's every relationship. There's
always gonna be a period of adjustment.Copy !req
857. Period of adjustment?Copy !req
858. There's no period of adjustment,
Holden! I am fucking gay!Copy !req
859. That's who I am!Copy !req
860. You assume I can turn all that around
because you've got a fucking crush?Copy !req
861. if this is a crush,Copy !req
862. I don't think I could take it
if the real thing ever happened.Copy !req
863. Go home, Holden.Copy !req
864. You're back with
Chaz and Stu and the New Zoo Review.Copy !req
865. As always behind us we got wacky—Copy !req
866. I take it
that's not good.Copy !req
867. Stay here.Copy !req
868. Be right back.Copy !req
869. Catholic schoolgirls.Copy !req
870. The uniform's
what does it for me.Copy !req
871. I wish I'd went with more
Catholic schoolgirls when I was a kid.Copy !req
872. As it stands, I have no "And then she
unzipped her jumper" stories.Copy !req
873. You seemed
weirded-out back there.Copy !req
874. - That's my couch you were fucking on.
- Sorry.Copy !req
875. I wanted to watch some TV.
Hard to do when your best friend is...Copy !req
876. wrapped around a naked
rug-muncher on your couch.Copy !req
877. She had boxers on.Copy !req
878. - This is all gonna end badly.
- You don't know that.Copy !req
879. I know you. You're way
too conservative for that girl.Copy !req
880. She's been around and seen things
we've only read about in books.Copy !req
881. We have read about them,
so we're prepared.Copy !req
882. There's no "we" here.Copy !req
883. You're gonna have to
go through this alone.Copy !req
884. It's one thing
to read about shit,Copy !req
885. something different when you're forced
to deal with it on a regular basis.Copy !req
886. When you are walking in a mall and your
heads turn at a nice-looking chick,Copy !req
887. it's gonna eat you up
inside.Copy !req
888. You'll spend most of your time wondering
when the other shoe's gonna drop.Copy !req
889. 'Cause for you this isn't
about cool, weird sex stuff.Copy !req
890. It's about love.Copy !req
891. Maybe it is
for her as well.Copy !req
892. Somehow I doubt it.Copy !req
893. Everybody's not out
to get someone in life, Bank.Copy !req
894. Everybody has an agenda,
all right? Everyone.Copy !req
895. Yourself?Copy !req
896. - My agenda is to watch your back.
- To what end?Copy !req
897. To insure that all this time we've
spent together, building something,Copy !req
898. wasn't wasted.Copy !req
899. Oh, she's not gonna
ruin the comic.Copy !req
900. I wasn't talkin'
about the comic.Copy !req
901. I'm gonna go get a bagel.Copy !req
902. Clean off my fucking couch
so I can watch TV.Copy !req
903. From what I understand,
when you sign with a publisher...Copy !req
904. someone else does all this work for you,
and you just sit back and collect.Copy !req
905. And miss these late-night cram sessions
with my nearest and dearest?Copy !req
906. - Never.
- I don't know what she's bitching about.Copy !req
907. All she's done since
we got here is pound Merlot.Copy !req
908. Yeah, you're a real help.Copy !req
909. I'd like to know
why we're here at all...Copy !req
910. when we haven't seen
Princess Funny Book in a month.Copy !req
911. - Yeah. Who you shackin' up with?
- "Shacking up with" ? Please.Copy !req
912. I'm so in love!Copy !req
913. Ohh!Copy !req
914. I know, I know. I feel like such a goon,
but I can't help it.Copy !req
915. - We have such a great time together.
- Who is it?Copy !req
916. Someone you guys don't know.Copy !req
917. That chick you left
the restaurant with that night.Copy !req
918. They're not from around here.Copy !req
919. Don't even tell me
you met her down the shore.Copy !req
920. Ew, a bridge-and-tunnel
Jersey dyke.Copy !req
921. - With huge hair and acid-washed jeans.Copy !req
922. For your information, they don't have
big hair or wear acid-wash.Copy !req
923. They're from my hometown.Copy !req
924. Why are you playing
the pronoun game?Copy !req
925. - What are you talking about? I'm not.
- You are.Copy !req
926. I met "someone."We" have a great
time. "They're" from my hometown.Copy !req
927. Doesn't this tube
of wonderful have a name?Copy !req
928. Holden.Copy !req
929. Well...Copy !req
930. here's to the both of you.Copy !req
931. Another one bites the dust.Copy !req
932. Can I ask you a question?Copy !req
933. Don't even tell me
you want to do it again.Copy !req
934. Why me?
You know? Why now?Copy !req
935. Well, because you were givin' me
that look and I got all wet.Copy !req
936. You know what I mean.Copy !req
937. Why not you?Copy !req
938. Well, I'm a guy. I mean...
you're attracted to girls.Copy !req
939. I see you've been
taking notes.Copy !req
940. Historically, yes.
That's true.Copy !req
941. Then why this?Copy !req
942. Well, I've given that
a lot of thought, you know.Copy !req
943. Now that I'm being ostracized
by my friends,Copy !req
944. I've had plenty of time
to think about it.Copy !req
945. And what I've come up with
is really simple.Copy !req
946. I came to this
on my own terms.Copy !req
947. You know, I didn't just
heed what I was taught:Copy !req
948. Men and women should be
together, it's the natural way,Copy !req
949. that kind of thing.Copy !req
950. I'm not with you because of
what family, society, life...Copy !req
951. tried to instill in me
from day one.Copy !req
952. The way the world is,Copy !req
953. how seldom it is that you meet
that one person who...Copy !req
954. just gets you.Copy !req
955. It's so rare.Copy !req
956. My parents didn't
really have it.Copy !req
957. There were no examples set for me in
the world of male-female relationships.Copy !req
958. And to cut oneself off
from flnding that person—Copy !req
959. to immediately halve your options
by eliminating the possibility...Copy !req
960. of flnding that one person
within your own gender—Copy !req
961. that just seemed stupid
to me.Copy !req
962. So I didn't.Copy !req
963. But then you came along.Copy !req
964. You, the one least likely.
I mean, you were a guy.Copy !req
965. Still am.Copy !req
966. And while I was falling for you
I put a ceiling on that,Copy !req
967. because you were a guy.Copy !req
968. Until I remembered why I opened the door
to women in the flrst place:Copy !req
969. To not limit the likelihood
of flnding that one person who'd...Copy !req
970. complement me so completely.Copy !req
971. So, here we are.Copy !req
972. I was thorough
when I looked for you.Copy !req
973. And I feel justifled
lying in your arms...Copy !req
974. 'cause I got here
on my own terms,Copy !req
975. and I have no question there was
someplace I didn't look.Copy !req
976. For me that makes
all the difference.Copy !req
977. Can I at least tell people all you
needed was some serious deep-dicking?Copy !req
978. - Move!
- Stop!Copy !req
979. - What?
- Check out page 48.Copy !req
980. - So?
- Did you see the nickname?Copy !req
981. - " Finger Cuffs."
- And?Copy !req
982. - Weird nickname. What's your point?
- Do you know why it's " Finger Cuffs" ?Copy !req
983. - No. I suppose you do.
- I do.Copy !req
984. Remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson
and went to North our senior year?Copy !req
985. Yeah.Copy !req
986. Well, asshole, I ran into him
at the stores the other day.Copy !req
987. God, it's been ages
since I've seen him.Copy !req
988. - Mentioned you were dating Alyssa.
- Did you?Copy !req
989. Yeah. Funny thing is,
you know what he said?Copy !req
990. Shit, I know Alyssa Jones.
I mean, I know Alyssa Jones.Copy !req
991. Me and Rick Derris used to hang
around her house after school...Copy !req
992. and shit, 'cause her parents were,
like, never home and shit, right?Copy !req
993. But one day Rick whips it out and
starts rubbin' it on her leg and shit,Copy !req
994. chasin' her around the living room;
I was dyin'.Copy !req
995. You know what the crazy bitch did?
She fuckin' drops to her knees...Copy !req
996. and starts suckin' him off right in
front of me, like I wasn't even there.Copy !req
997. I almost died.
But that's not the fucked-up part.Copy !req
998. The fucked-up part was Rick, right
in the middle of it, pointin' at her,Copy !req
999. and he says "Cohee,"
just like that, "Cohee."Copy !req
1000. So I'm like, "Yo,
I'll give it a shot."Copy !req
1001. I start pullin' her pants down and shit,
all slow 'cause I flgure any second...Copy !req
1002. she's gonna turn around
and belt me in the mouth, right?Copy !req
1003. But she's all into it, man!
She don't try to stop me or nothin' !Copy !req
1004. She's all wet and I just start goin'
to work, you know what I'm sayin' ?Copy !req
1005. Me and Rick are goin' to town on
this crazy bitch, and she's lovin' it,Copy !req
1006. all moaning and shit.Copy !req
1007. It was fucked-up. So Rick
came up with the nickname.Copy !req
1008. That day she had us locked in from
both sides like Chinese flnger cuffs.Copy !req
1009. He's full of shit.Copy !req
1010. Cohee's a lot of things,
but an exaggerator he's not.Copy !req
1011. - The dude's Catholic.
- She's never even been with a guy.Copy !req
1012. That's what she says.
But I say her on her hands and knees...Copy !req
1013. getting fllled out like an application
constitutes "being with a guy."Copy !req
1014. Look, man. Cohee Lundin is
pulling your chain, okay?Copy !req
1015. The fact you even believe him makes you
look like a complete fuckin' idiot.Copy !req
1016. I'm getting your back,
asshole!Copy !req
1017. People don't forget shit
like " Finger Cuffs."Copy !req
1018. What if it got out that she's queer as
well? How's that gonna make you look?Copy !req
1019. - Well, I give a shit what people think.
- Fuck!Copy !req
1020. All right.
What if she's carrying a disease?Copy !req
1021. - Fuck you!
- What?Copy !req
1022. Oh, it's not possible
that she's all crudded-up?Copy !req
1023. Cohee I can vouch for is clean.
The dude never got laid in high school.Copy !req
1024. But Derris?
He's an arch-fucking-bushman!Copy !req
1025. Name me one chick in our senior class
that he didn't nail, for Christ's sake!Copy !req
1026. Let it go, okay? I'm telling you,
she's never even been with a guy,Copy !req
1027. much less these two
fuckin' zeroes.Copy !req
1028. And the bitch could be a bigger germ
farm than that monkey in Outbreak!Copy !req
1029. Would you let it go, okay?
I'm fuckin' tired of this shit!Copy !req
1030. She's my goddamn girlfriend!
Show a little fuckin' respect!Copy !req
1031. And I swear to God, if I ever hear you
so much as fucking mention...Copy !req
1032. Alyssa looks a little peaked, I'll put
your fucking teeth down your throat!Copy !req
1033. Maybe I'll put your fuckin'
teeth down your throat.Copy !req
1034. Yeah, maybe.Copy !req
1035. I've been workin' out,
ya know!Copy !req
1036. You better be ready
to make that deal.Copy !req
1037. So, where's that bitch partner
of yours been?Copy !req
1038. Sulking.Copy !req
1039. He's having a real problem
with this Alyssa thing.Copy !req
1040. I think it's more like Banky's having a
real problem with all things not hetero,Copy !req
1041. and I'm just another paradigm
of said aberration.Copy !req
1042. - Banky does not hate gays.
- But he is a bit homophobic.Copy !req
1043. This latest episode between you
and Miss Thing has tapped into that.Copy !req
1044. In his warped perception, he lost you
to the "dark side," which is she.Copy !req
1045. You make it sound like
me and him were dating.Copy !req
1046. Don't kid yourself.Copy !req
1047. That boy loves you in a way
that he ain't ready to deal with.Copy !req
1048. - He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa.
- Uh-uh, honey!Copy !req
1049. And just what has Mr. Angela Lansbury
uncovered about your lady fair?Copy !req
1050. He heard some bullshit
story that she took on two guys.Copy !req
1051. Really?Copy !req
1052. Then he's barkin' up the wrong tree
if he wants to split you up, isn't he?Copy !req
1053. He's not gonna make you see
the error of your ways...Copy !req
1054. by pointing out
how truly gay she's not.Copy !req
1055. - This one?
- I have it.Copy !req
1056. - Actually, it has kinda gotten to me.
- How so?Copy !req
1057. Well, Banky's got
a pretty good bullshit detector.Copy !req
1058. - He's not known for misinformation.
- So what if it is true?Copy !req
1059. - Would that bother you?
- Sex with multiple partners?Copy !req
1060. - At the same time?Copy !req
1061. Ah! Ooh!Copy !req
1062. Thanks for being so comforting.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
1063. So, what do you care?Copy !req
1064. That's just it, you know?
I shouldn't care.Copy !req
1065. - But it just— It gets to me.
- Look,Copy !req
1066. the kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't
think she's been in the middle...Copy !req
1067. of an all-girl group grope?Copy !req
1068. You see, that doesn't bother me, right?
But just the thought of her with guys—Copy !req
1069. Oh, Holden, I beg you, please. Don't
drop 50 stories in my opinion of you...Copy !req
1070. by falling prey
to that latest of trendy beasts.Copy !req
1071. - Which is?
- Lesbian chic.Copy !req
1072. It's oh-so acceptable to be a gay girl
nowadays. People think it's cute.Copy !req
1073. Got this fool picture of lipstick
lesbians in their heads,Copy !req
1074. like they all resemble Alyssa,
while most of'em look more like you.Copy !req
1075. Do I detect a little
intersubculture cattiness here?Copy !req
1076. Gay or straight,
ugly's still ugly.Copy !req
1077. - And most of those boys are scary.Copy !req
1078. I thought you fags were all
supersupportive of one another.Copy !req
1079. Screw that all-for-one shit.Copy !req
1080. I gotta deal with bein' a minority
in the minority of the minority,Copy !req
1081. and nobody's supportin'
my ass.Copy !req
1082. While the whole of society's
fawning over girls-on-girls,Copy !req
1083. here I sit, a reviled gay man.Copy !req
1084. And to top that off,
I'm a gay black man,Copy !req
1085. notoriously, the most
swishy of the bunch.Copy !req
1086. - Three strikes—
- Hey, hey! There's a line.Copy !req
1087. - Salaam alaykem, little brother.
- Could you sign my comic?Copy !req
1088. Hey. You see
that man right there?Copy !req
1089. He the devil.
Understand?Copy !req
1090. Never take your eye
off the Man.Copy !req
1091. - Fight the power, little G.
- Word is bond.Copy !req
1092. Word is bond.Copy !req
1093. Look at what I have to resort to
for professional respect.Copy !req
1094. Look at what I have to resort to
for professional respect.Copy !req
1095. What is it about gay men
that terrifles the rest of the world?Copy !req
1096. - As for this hang-up with Alyssa's past,
- Um-hm.Copy !req
1097. maybe what's troubling you is that
your fragile fantasy might not be true.Copy !req
1098. - What does that mean?
- Holden, don't even try to come off...Copy !req
1099. like you don't know
what I'm sayin'.Copy !req
1100. Men need to believe that they're
Marco-fuckin'-Polo when it comes to sex.Copy !req
1101. Like they're the only ones
who've ever explored new territory.Copy !req
1102. And it's hard
not to let 'em believe it.Copy !req
1103. - I let my boys run with it for a while.Copy !req
1104. Feed 'em some of that "I've never
done this before" bullshit...Copy !req
1105. and let them labor under the delusion
that they're rockin' my world...Copy !req
1106. until I can't stand 'em no more,
then I hit 'em with the truth.Copy !req
1107. It's a sick game.Copy !req
1108. The world would be
a better place...Copy !req
1109. if people would just accept
there's nothin' new under the sun,Copy !req
1110. and anything you can do
with a person...Copy !req
1111. has probably been done
long before you got there.Copy !req
1112. - Hey, I can accept that.
- Honey, that almost sounded convincing.Copy !req
1113. Do yourself a favor: Just ask the girl
about her past point-blank.Copy !req
1114. Get it out of the way before it gets
too big for both of y'all to move.Copy !req
1115. Ooh! Yanni!Copy !req
1116. - Boo! Boo!Copy !req
1117. Since most of these people
are rooting for the home team,Copy !req
1118. I'm going to cheer
for the visitors.Copy !req
1119. I'm a big visitors fan.Copy !req
1120. Especially the kind that make coffee
for you in the morning before they go.Copy !req
1121. That was a joke.
Bah-dum-bah.Copy !req
1122. A little wacky wordplay.Copy !req
1123. Wha-What do you mean,
"visitors" ?Copy !req
1124. Was I being
too obscure?Copy !req
1125. The kind that, until recently,
had no dicks and would stay the night.Copy !req
1126. So, uh, that was
until recently, right?Copy !req
1127. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
1128. Hey! Foul! Foul!
He was traveling or something.Copy !req
1129. So, nobody but me has spent the night
at your place since we got together?Copy !req
1130. Somethin' on your mind,
Holden?Copy !req
1131. - Just wondering.
- if I've been faithful or something?Copy !req
1132. I was just asking.Copy !req
1133. Oh, sweetie.Copy !req
1134. I only have eyes for you.Copy !req
1135. if you don't start usin' that whistle,
I'm gonna jam it straight up your ass!Copy !req
1136. Right?Copy !req
1137. What's uh—
What's with " Finger Cuffs" ?Copy !req
1138. " Finger Cuffs" ?Copy !req
1139. In your senior yearbook your nickname
was Finger Cuffs. What does that mean?Copy !req
1140. - It was?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1141. Shit.
Damned if I can remember.Copy !req
1142. I'd look it up, but I threw
all that shit out years ago.Copy !req
1143. - Where'd you see a North yearbook?
- Do you know a Rick Derris?Copy !req
1144. - Rick Derris?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1145. Sure. We used to
hang out in high school.Copy !req
1146. Punch him in the fuckin' neck,
number 12!Copy !req
1147. Come on. Come on!Copy !req
1148. Did you guys, like,
date or something?Copy !req
1149. Date Rick Derris?
No, no. We just hung out a lot.Copy !req
1150. Just-Just you and Rick.Copy !req
1151. No. Me, Rick and, um—Copy !req
1152. God, what was his name?Copy !req
1153. Um— What was his name?Copy !req
1154. - What was his name?
- Cohee.Copy !req
1155. - Yes! Cohee! Cohee Lundin!Copy !req
1156. God, I haven't thought
about that name in years.Copy !req
1157. Those guys used to come over to my house
almost every day after school.Copy !req
1158. They'd bug my sisters, look through
my dad's closet for porno tapes,Copy !req
1159. raid the fridge.Copy !req
1160. They really took advantage
of my parents' never being home.Copy !req
1161. This one day,Copy !req
1162. Rick pulled his dick out and started
chasing me around the house with it.Copy !req
1163. Right in front of Cohee, man.
I couldn't believe it.Copy !req
1164. Rick pulled his dick out?
Really?Copy !req
1165. - What did you do?Copy !req
1166. I blew him
while Cohee fucked me!Copy !req
1167. - Excuse me?
- That's what you wanted to hear.Copy !req
1168. That's what this little
cross-examination of your is all about?Copy !req
1169. Well, next time try not to
make it so obvious, all right?Copy !req
1170. There's subtler ways
of badgering a witness. Am I right?Copy !req
1171. Geez, man. Even / knew
what you were gettin' at.Copy !req
1172. if you wanted background information
on me, all you had to do was ask.Copy !req
1173. I would have gladly
volunteered it.Copy !req
1174. You didn't have to go playing
Hercule-fucking-Poirot.Copy !req
1175. Told ya these were
good seats.Copy !req
1176. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
1177. - Hey, would you wait a minute?
- Get the fuck off me!Copy !req
1178. - So it's true, right?
- Is that what you wanna hear?Copy !req
1179. Yeah, Holden, it's true.Copy !req
1180. In fact, everything you heard
or dug up on me is probably true.Copy !req
1181. Yeah, I took on
two guys at once!Copy !req
1182. You wanna hear some gems
you might not have unearthed?Copy !req
1183. I took a 26-year-old guy
to my senior prom...Copy !req
1184. and left to have sex with him
and Gwen Turner in the back of a limo.Copy !req
1185. How about in college when I let Shannon
Hamilton videotape us having sex,Copy !req
1186. only to flnd out he broadcast it
on the campus cable station.Copy !req
1187. They're all true. Didn't you know?
I am the queen of suburban legend!Copy !req
1188. Did you somehow fuckin' fail
to mention this to me?Copy !req
1189. What the fuck's wrong with you?
How could you do all those things?Copy !req
1190. Easily!Copy !req
1191. Some I did out of stupidity, some
I did out of what I thought was love.Copy !req
1192. But good or bad,
they are my choices,Copy !req
1193. and I am not making
apologies for them now!Copy !req
1194. Not to you,
or not to anyone!Copy !req
1195. And how dare you lay a guilt trip on me
about it, in public, no less?Copy !req
1196. Who the fuck do you think
you are, you judgmental prick?Copy !req
1197. How the fuck am I supposed
to feel about all this?Copy !req
1198. How are you supposed to
feel about it?Copy !req
1199. Feel whatever the fuck you want
to about it, all right?Copy !req
1200. The only thing that matters
is how you feel about me.Copy !req
1201. - I don't know how I feel about you now.
- Why? Why?Copy !req
1202. - Because I had some sex?
- Some sex?Copy !req
1203. Yes, Holden.
That's all it was, some sex.Copy !req
1204. Most of it
stupid high school sex.Copy !req
1205. Like you never had sex
in high school.Copy !req
1206. There is a world of fucking difference
between typical high school sex...Copy !req
1207. and getting fucked by two fuckin' guys
at the same time!Copy !req
1208. - They fuckin' used you.
- No! I used them!Copy !req
1209. You don't think I would have let it
happen if I hadn't wanted to, do you?Copy !req
1210. I was an experimental girl,
for Christ's sake!Copy !req
1211. Maybe you knew early on
that your track was from point A to B,Copy !req
1212. but, unlike you, I was not given
a fucking map at birth.Copy !req
1213. So I tried it all.Copy !req
1214. That is until we—
that's you and l— got together.Copy !req
1215. And suddenly I was sated.Copy !req
1216. Can't you take
some fucking comfort in that?Copy !req
1217. You turned out to be
all I was looking for,Copy !req
1218. the missing piece
in the big fucking puzzle.Copy !req
1219. Look, I'm sorry I let you believe you
were the only guy I'd ever been with.Copy !req
1220. I should have been
more honest.Copy !req
1221. But it just didn't— It seemed
to make you feel special in a way...Copy !req
1222. that me telling you over and over how
incredible you are wouldn't get across.Copy !req
1223. Holden, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1224. Just don't do that.Copy !req
1225. Do you mean to tell me that,
while you have zero problem...Copy !req
1226. with me sleeping with
half the women in New York City,Copy !req
1227. you have some sort of half-assed,
mealy-mouthed objection...Copy !req
1228. to pubescent antics that took place
almost ten years ago?Copy !req
1229. What the fuck
is your problem?Copy !req
1230. I want us to be something
that we can't be.Copy !req
1231. And what's that?Copy !req
1232. A normal couple.Copy !req
1233. .So why don't you give
your little voice a restCopy !req
1234. - Fuck!
- Come on up inside my bedCopy !req
1235. . And just pretend you need meCopy !req
1236. You don't have to lie
about what you knowCopy !req
1237. . Even though
I've been sufferin'Copy !req
1238. . And I don't need to be
your only oneCopy !req
1239. .I don't need your comfortingCopy !req
1240. .I just need you with meCopy !req
1241. . Stay, stay, stay with meCopy !req
1242. . Stay, stay with meCopy !req
1243. . Stay and don't you ever
roll away from meCopy !req
1244. The girl?Copy !req
1245. . StayCopy !req
1246. . Stay with meCopy !req
1247. Oh, and did she everCopy !req
1248. Well, look at this
morose motherfucker right here.Copy !req
1249. Smells like someone shit
in his cereal. Nooch.Copy !req
1250. What took you guys so long?
What are you, at the mall again?Copy !req
1251. Bitch, don't even start, all right?
We stopped that shit years ago.Copy !req
1252. Toss the salad.Copy !req
1253. Damn, this likeness rights shit
is more profltable than sellin' smoke.Copy !req
1254. How did a dirt merchant like you
ever learn about likeness rights?Copy !req
1255. We deal to a lot of lawyers.
You know what I'm sayin' ?Copy !req
1256. Speaking of which—
A little signin' bonus and shit?Copy !req
1257. No, I'll pass.
Did you guys take a look at the issue?Copy !req
1258. Yeah.Copy !req
1259. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1260. You need to throw some pussy
in that book, man.Copy !req
1261. Like, throw some supervillain
with big fuckin' tits...Copy !req
1262. that shoot milk or somethin',
and I'll just, like, suck her dry...Copy !req
1263. and bust some moves
on her.Copy !req
1264. Then she has to fuck me.
I mean, fuck us.Copy !req
1265. I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
1266. - All right, boys. What'll it be?
- I'm all set, thanks.Copy !req
1267. Yo, Flo. Tell Mel to whip me up
a toasted bagel with cream cheese.Copy !req
1268. You want one too? Make that two,
and kiss my grits. Nooch.Copy !req
1269. Did you ever watch that show, Alice?
That show was funny as hell, man.Copy !req
1270. So why the long face, horse?
Banky on the rag?Copy !req
1271. I'm just, uh— I'm just havin'
a little girl trouble.Copy !req
1272. Bitch pressin' charges?
I get that a lot.Copy !req
1273. No. I'm just, uh—Copy !req
1274. I'm just at a point where
I don't really know what to do.Copy !req
1275. Kick her to the fuckin' curb.
Girls get to be too much trouble.Copy !req
1276. There's always the band... of the hand.Copy !req
1277. Can't do it, G.
I'm in love.Copy !req
1278. Nah, there ain't no such thing. You
got to boil it down to the essentials.Copy !req
1279. It's like Cube says: Life ain't
nothin' but bitches and moneyCopy !req
1280. Thanks, guys. That's just what I needed.
Advice from the 'hood.Copy !req
1281. - So who is this girl?
- Oh, I don't think you know her.Copy !req
1282. Come on, man.
I'm people who know people.Copy !req
1283. You sound
like Barbra Streisand.Copy !req
1284. Maybe 'cause I got this tubby bitch
playin' her greatest hits tape...Copy !req
1285. in my ear all the time.Copy !req
1286. You gotta see it. When she starts
singin' "You Don't Bring Me Flowers,"Copy !req
1287. this faggot starts cryin' like a little
girl with a skinned knee and shit.Copy !req
1288. Big fuckin' softie.
So what's the skirt's name?Copy !req
1289. I'm tellin' ya, man.
You don't know the girl.Copy !req
1290. I ain't playin', man.
Come on, tell me her name, Mysterio.Copy !req
1291. Alyssa Jones.Copy !req
1292. Holy fuckin' shit.
Finger Cuffs?Copy !req
1293. You're dating Finger Cuffs,
you silly son of a bitch?Copy !req
1294. Wait a second.
I thought she was all gay and shit.Copy !req
1295. She was, or she is.
I don't know.Copy !req
1296. And you're dating her.
Man, you're a lucky fuck.Copy !req
1297. She ever bring bitches to bed
with you?Copy !req
1298. Get a little of that
Filet-O-Fish sandwich goin' on?Copy !req
1299. Yeah, you know what
I'm talkin' about, baby. Right?Copy !req
1300. What's up? Yeah.
So four tits and what?Copy !req
1301. - No, man. It's not like that.
- What's it like, then?Copy !req
1302. Right now?
I don't know.Copy !req
1303. I love her, you know?
But, uh, she has a past.Copy !req
1304. I'll say. Stuffln' two guys,
eatin' chicks out and shit.Copy !req
1305. You know, I heard
one time she had this dog—Copy !req
1306. Eat your fuckin' bagel already
and shut up.Copy !req
1307. Look at this touchy
motherfucker right here.Copy !req
1308. So if you're all in love and shit,
what's the problem?Copy !req
1309. The problem is
stupid shit like that.Copy !req
1310. It was bad enough when it was
just girls, you know?Copy !req
1311. You throw guys into the mix—
two guys at once, no less—Copy !req
1312. All that experience, you know?
What am I supposed to think?Copy !req
1313. Think "good," ya fuckin' ninny shithead,
'cause now she'll be all true and blue.Copy !req
1314. Bitch tasted life. Now she's settlin'
for your borin' funny-book-makin' ass.Copy !req
1315. Settling for my boring ass.
That's comforting. Thanks, Jay.Copy !req
1316. - That's what I'm here for.
- I'm just havin' a problem with it.Copy !req
1317. It's like I can't get these visuals out
of my head of her doing all this shit.Copy !req
1318. And I don't know why I can't let
it go, 'cause I'm crazy about this girl.Copy !req
1319. - I look at her, I see kids, grandkids—
- You're scarin' me.Copy !req
1320. Yeah, well, I'm scarin' myself
'cause I think so much of this girl...Copy !req
1321. that I can't get stupid shit
like " Finger Cuffs" out of my head.Copy !req
1322. I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doin'.Copy !req
1323. Chasin' Amy.Copy !req
1324. What?
What did you say?Copy !req
1325. - You're chasing Amy.
- What do you look so shocked for, man?Copy !req
1326. Fat bastard does this all the time. He
thinks 'cause he don't say anything...Copy !req
1327. it'll have some huge impact
when he does open his fuckin' mouth.Copy !req
1328. Jesus Christ,
why don't you shut up?Copy !req
1329. Always yap-yap-yapping all the time.
Give me a fuckin' headache.Copy !req
1330. I went through somethin' like what
you're talkin' about a couple years ago.Copy !req
1331. - This chick named Amy.
- When?Copy !req
1332. A couple of years ago.Copy !req
1333. What, she live in Canada or something?
Why don't I remember this?Copy !req
1334. Bitch, what you don't
know about me...Copy !req
1335. I could just about squeeze
in the Grand-fucking-Canyon.Copy !req
1336. Did you know I always wanted to be
a dancer in Vegas? Huh?Copy !req
1337. Bet you didn't even know
that shit, did you?Copy !req
1338. Just tell your fuckin' story so
we can get out of here and smoke this.Copy !req
1339. So there's me and Amy. And we're
inseparable. Just big-time in love.Copy !req
1340. Then four months down the road
the idiot gear kicks in,Copy !req
1341. and I ask about the ex-boyfriend which,
as we all know, is a really dumb move.Copy !req
1342. But you know how it is: You don't want
to know, but you just have to know.Copy !req
1343. Stupid guy bullshit.Copy !req
1344. So, anyway, she starts
tellin' me about him.Copy !req
1345. They fell in love, went out for
a couple of years, lived together.Copy !req
1346. Her mother likes me better,
blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm okay.Copy !req
1347. But then she drops the bomb on me,
and the bomb is this.Copy !req
1348. It seems that a couple of times,
while they were goin' out,Copy !req
1349. he brought some people
to bed with them.Copy !req
1350. Menage a trois,
I believe it's called.Copy !req
1351. Now this just blows my mind, right?
I'm not used to this sort of thing.Copy !req
1352. - I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes.
- Saint Shithead.Copy !req
1353. Do somethin'.Copy !req
1354. So I'm totally weirded out by this,
right? And I just start blastin' her.Copy !req
1355. I don't know how to deal with what I'm
feelin', so I flgure the best way is...Copy !req
1356. if call her "slut," right,
and tell her she was used.Copy !req
1357. I'm out for blood.
I really want to hurt this girl.Copy !req
1358. "What the fuck is your problem?"
And she's just calmly trying to tell me,Copy !req
1359. "It was that time, that place," and she
doesn't think she should apologize...Copy !req
1360. because she doesn't feel
that she's done anything wrong.Copy !req
1361. I'm like, "Oh, really?" I look her in
the eye and tell her it's over. I walk.Copy !req
1362. Fuckin' A.Copy !req
1363. No, idiot.
It was a mistake.Copy !req
1364. I wasn't disgusted with her,
I was afraid.Copy !req
1365. You know, at that moment I felt small,
like I'd lacked experience,Copy !req
1366. like I'd never be on her level, never be
enough for her or something like that.Copy !req
1367. But what I did not get,
she didn't care.Copy !req
1368. She wasn't lookin' for that guy anymore,
she was lookin' for me, for the Bob.Copy !req
1369. But by the time I flgured this all
out, it's too late, man. She moved on.Copy !req
1370. All I had to show for it was foolish
pride which then gave way to regret.Copy !req
1371. She was the girl.
I know that now.Copy !req
1372. But...Copy !req
1373. I pushed her away.Copy !req
1374. So I've spent every day
since then chasing Amy.Copy !req
1375. So to speak.Copy !req
1376. Enough of this fuckin' melodrama.
My advice? Forget her, dude.Copy !req
1377. There's one bitch in the world,
one bitch with many faces.Copy !req
1378. Get up, tons of fun.
We gotta book.Copy !req
1379. - Catchin'a bus to Chi-town.
- Why? What's there?Copy !req
1380. Business, yo. How many more of those
fat envelopes we get comin' to us?Copy !req
1381. Uh, I don't know.Copy !req
1382. I don't know how much longer
the book's gonna be around.Copy !req
1383. Yeah, good.
I'll be glad as shit when it's gone.Copy !req
1384. There's a million people who'd love
to see themself in a comic book.Copy !req
1385. But that ain't like us at all,
all slapsticky and shit,Copy !req
1386. runnin' around like
a couple of dickheads.Copy !req
1387. Sayin'-- What's that shit
he got us sayin' ?Copy !req
1388. Oh, um...
"snootchie-bootchies."Copy !req
1389. "Snootchie-bootchies." Who the fuck
talks like that? That is baby talk.Copy !req
1390. It's a big world, G.
We're bound to run into you again.Copy !req
1391. - Till then, keep your unit on ya.
- I'll try.Copy !req
1392. No, no, no, no, no.
Do or do not. There is no try—Copy !req
1393. Knock that shit off!
We got a bus to catch.Copy !req
1394. Jedi bitch. Man, what do you always have
to tell that fuckin' gay story for?Copy !req
1395. - Man, shut up.
- You shut up, you fat fuck.Copy !req
1396. Okay.Copy !req
1397. You guys are probably wondering
why I asked you here at the same time...Copy !req
1398. knowing that we have shit
to settle between us separately.Copy !req
1399. I just flgured you wanted
to kill two birds with one stone.Copy !req
1400. You know, by telling her
to fuck off with me here...Copy !req
1401. so you wouldn't have to
go through the story again later on.Copy !req
1402. - Fuck you.
- Not even if you let me videotape it.Copy !req
1403. Okay, enough.
All right?Copy !req
1404. Enough.Copy !req
1405. Now, I've been going over and
over and over this whole thing,Copy !req
1406. and I've dissected it
a thousand different ways.Copy !req
1407. Banky, there's tension between you and l
for the flrst time in our lives.Copy !req
1408. You hate me dating Alyssa and you want
me to sign off on this cartoon thing.Copy !req
1409. How perceptive.Copy !req
1410. Alyssa,Copy !req
1411. you and I have hit a wall...Copy !req
1412. 'cause I don't know how to deal
with your, uh, your past, I guess.Copy !req
1413. That's a nice way
of putting it.Copy !req
1414. I'd have said
"the whole double stuff' thing.Copy !req
1415. I'm only gonna
tell you this once: Shut up.Copy !req
1416. Now,Copy !req
1417. I know I'm to blame one way
or another on both accounts.Copy !req
1418. Alyssa, with you
because... I feel inadequate,Copy !req
1419. because you've had such a big life
and so much experience,Copy !req
1420. and my life's been
pretty small in comparison.Copy !req
1421. - That doesn't matter to me.
- Please.Copy !req
1422. I have to get
through this, okay?Copy !req
1423. Banky, I know why you're having such
a hard time with me and Alyssa.Copy !req
1424. It's something that's been
obvious forever and I guess—Copy !req
1425. I guess I just didn't
acknowledge it.Copy !req
1426. You're in love with me.Copy !req
1427. What?Copy !req
1428. You're attracted to me. Just as, in
a way, I guess I'm... attracted to you.Copy !req
1429. It makes sense. We've been together
so long, we have so much in common.Copy !req
1430. Well, I gotta get goin'.Copy !req
1431. I gotta catch the last few minutes
of Little House.Copy !req
1432. It's somethin' you're
gonna have to deal with, Bank.Copy !req
1433. And that would explain
your jealousy of Alyssa,Copy !req
1434. your homophobia,
your sense of humor—Copy !req
1435. Jesus, just 'cause a guy's
got a predilection toward dick jokes—Copy !req
1436. Bank. Stop.Copy !req
1437. Deal with it.
You'll feel much better.Copy !req
1438. Okay.Copy !req
1439. Now, you guys are probably
asking yourselves the same question...Copy !req
1440. that I've been going over and over
in my head the past few weeks:Copy !req
1441. What does one have
to do with the other?Copy !req
1442. Don't.Copy !req
1443. And when I did some
serious soul-searching,Copy !req
1444. it came to me
from outta nowhere.Copy !req
1445. And it all made sense.
And a calm came over me.Copy !req
1446. I know what we have to do.Copy !req
1447. And then you, Banky,
you, Alyssa, and l—Copy !req
1448. all of us—
can flnally be... all right.Copy !req
1449. Please don't say it.Copy !req
1450. We've all gotta
have sex together.Copy !req
1451. I mean, look,
don't you see?Copy !req
1452. That would take care
of everything.Copy !req
1453. Alyssa, with you, I won't feel
too inadequate or conservative anymore,Copy !req
1454. because I'll have done something
on a par with all your experience.Copy !req
1455. And it will be with you, which will
make it that much more powerful.Copy !req
1456. Banky, you can take that leap...Copy !req
1457. that everyone else but you
sees you should take.Copy !req
1458. And it'll be with me,
your best friend for years.Copy !req
1459. We've been everything to each other
but intimates,Copy !req
1460. and now we'll have been
through that together too.Copy !req
1461. And it won't be a total leap for you
because a woman will be involved.Copy !req
1462. And when it's over, all that hostility
you feel toward Alyssa will be gone...Copy !req
1463. because you'll have shared in something
beautiful with the woman I love.Copy !req
1464. /t'll be cathartic.Copy !req
1465. This will keep us together.Copy !req
1466. What do ya say?Copy !req
1467. Sure.Copy !req
1468. You know I need this.Copy !req
1469. You know it'll help.Copy !req
1470. No.Copy !req
1471. Thank Christ.Copy !req
1472. Sorry.Copy !req
1473. No? I thought
you'd be into this.Copy !req
1474. You did?
What does that say about me?Copy !req
1475. Sweetheart, you've done stuff
like this before.Copy !req
1476. This should be
no big deal for you.Copy !req
1477. You don't want this.
You really don't want this.Copy !req
1478. No, I do want this. This has
to happen. Can't you see that?Copy !req
1479. I mean, how can you not? No?
What does that say about me?Copy !req
1480. You can take it from two guys
whose names you can hardly remember,Copy !req
1481. but I ask you to share an experience
about intimacy, and you say no?Copy !req
1482. - I can't.
- Baby, yes, you can.Copy !req
1483. I'll be there. And when it's over we'll
be the strongest we've ever been...Copy !req
1484. 'cause we'll have been
through this together.Copy !req
1485. Then we'll be on the same level and
there'll be nothing we can't accomplish.Copy !req
1486. Oh, Holden.Copy !req
1487. That time is over for me.Copy !req
1488. I've been there
and I've done it...Copy !req
1489. and I didn't flnd
what I was looking for in any of it.Copy !req
1490. I found that it you.
In us.Copy !req
1491. Doing this won't help you forget
about the things you're hung up on.Copy !req
1492. - It'll create more.
- No. I've thought about all that.Copy !req
1493. Yes, it will!Copy !req
1494. Maybe you'll see me
differently from then on.Copy !req
1495. Maybe you'll despise me for going along
with it once you're in the moment.Copy !req
1496. Maybe I'll moan differently,Copy !req
1497. and then you'll resent Banky
and become suspicious of us.Copy !req
1498. Or you'll alienate him
because of it.Copy !req
1499. You'll grow to blame and hate me for
the deterioration of your friendship.Copy !req
1500. Or what if— and God,
I sincerely doubt it—Copy !req
1501. but what if I saw something
in Banky that I've never seen before,Copy !req
1502. you know, and I fell in love
with him and left you?Copy !req
1503. I've been down roads
like this before.Copy !req
1504. Many times.Copy !req
1505. I know you feel doing this
will broaden your horizons...Copy !req
1506. and give you experience.Copy !req
1507. But I've had
those experiences, on my own.Copy !req
1508. And I can't accompany you
on yours.Copy !req
1509. I'm past that now.Copy !req
1510. Or maybe I just love you
too much.Copy !req
1511. And I feel hurt and let down that you
would want to share me with anyone.Copy !req
1512. Because I would never
want to share you.Copy !req
1513. Regardless,Copy !req
1514. I can't be
a part of this.Copy !req
1515. Or you.
Not anymore.Copy !req
1516. I love you.Copy !req
1517. I always will.Copy !req
1518. Know that.Copy !req
1519. But I'm not
your fucking whore.Copy !req
1520. He's yours again.Copy !req
1521. A blast from the past.Copy !req
1522. Do you know how much it's
going for these days? $1 1 0.Copy !req
1523. You sign it, it'll
push that up even higher.Copy !req
1524. You sell it
I want a kickback.Copy !req
1525. I don't know if it's true,Copy !req
1526. but I heard once there was
going to be an animated series?Copy !req
1527. - There was going to be.
- What happened?Copy !req
1528. You're lookin' at it.
No Chronic, no cartoon.Copy !req
1529. - That would have been awesome!
- Tell me about it.Copy !req
1530. So is that what happened
with you and Holden McNeil?Copy !req
1531. You got into a flght over
the rights or something?Copy !req
1532. - It was more complicated than that.
- Whatever happened to that guy?Copy !req
1533. I don't know.
Quit the biz, I guess.Copy !req
1534. So, you guys don't
talk anymore?Copy !req
1535. No. Not really.Copy !req
1536. Yeah. That happened to me once.
Me and this guy started a comic club.Copy !req
1537. And we got into a flght over who looked
better in bare legs, Electra or Robin.Copy !req
1538. Anyway, I disbanded the club and struck
out on my own, kinda like Nomad.Copy !req
1539. I'm rambling on now.
What I meant to say is...Copy !req
1540. that you probably shouldn't
have killed off Chronic.Copy !req
1541. Guess not. Some doors just
shouldn't be opened.Copy !req
1542. Oh, like the door to death
in Baby Dave's Winter Special,Copy !req
1543. which you did on your own.Copy !req
1544. See? You don't need that McNeil guy,
anyway. You do great work on your own.Copy !req
1545. Look at your line work. Look at all the
detail in this douche bag on page 18.Copy !req
1546. Look at how you draw a fart.Copy !req
1547. And tell me you're not better off
without Holden McNeil.Copy !req
1548. I mean, you were just carrying
that guy like a brown-bag lunch,Copy !req
1549. you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
1550. - You're so right.
- Yeah, well, the true fans always are.Copy !req
1551. Well, keep up the good work, man.
Love those dick jokes. Love 'em.Copy !req
1552. See ya.Copy !req
1553. Yeah.Copy !req
1554. Bye.Copy !req
1555. Okay. Who's next?Copy !req
1556. Hi.Copy !req
1557. Thanks for readin' it.Copy !req
1558. I can't believe this place.
These people are so weird.Copy !req
1559. You wanted to come.Copy !req
1560. God, I can't believe you call
these people contemporaries.Copy !req
1561. Look at this guy over here
with the pointy ears? What's that?Copy !req
1562. - He's a Vulcan.
- A what?Copy !req
1563. - A Vulcan. Jesus, potzer.Copy !req
1564. Why don't you take a walk
and get us something to drink?Copy !req
1565. Okay, I will.Copy !req
1566. Um, this isn't
one of mine.Copy !req
1567. It's mine.Copy !req
1568. I saved you a copy.Copy !req
1569. Hi.Copy !req
1570. Hi.Copy !req
1571. How've you been?Copy !req
1572. Uh, good. Really good.
Yourself?Copy !req
1573. Good.Copy !req
1574. The new issue's selling
like crazy, for some reason.Copy !req
1575. Yeah, well, it's because it's
really good. I liked it a lot.Copy !req
1576. Thank you.Copy !req
1577. I haven't even seen this yet.
Did it just come out?Copy !req
1578. Uh, oh, about a month ago.
I did a really small run.Copy !req
1579. Self-flnanced,
only about 500 issues.Copy !req
1580. Will I enjoy it?Copy !req
1581. You might.
It's familiar subject matter.Copy !req
1582. Looks like
a very personal story.Copy !req
1583. I flnally had
something personal to say.Copy !req
1584. Well, I'm gonna go.
I don't wanna hold up your line here.Copy !req
1585. Yeah.Copy !req
1586. I mean, it can get ugly. I just saw
this nun call a small child a cunt-rag.Copy !req
1587. You know, read that,
if you have a minute.Copy !req
1588. I will.Copy !req
1589. if you get the chance, call me. I'd like
to hear your thoughts, or... whatever.Copy !req
1590. Okay.Copy !req
1591. Okay.Copy !req
1592. It was really nice
seeing you again.Copy !req
1593. It was really nice
to see you too.Copy !req
1594. - Who was that?
- Huh?Copy !req
1595. Who was that?Copy !req
1596. Oh, just some guy I knew.Copy !req
1597. Next. So, what do you want
to do tonight?Copy !req
1598. .I was tappin'my foot
on a Friday nightCopy !req
1599. To my favorite band
I was pushed asideCopy !req
1600. .I said hey, don't push me
No, no, no one pushes meCopy !req
1601. When I was face to face
with a woman I admiredCopy !req
1602. . And she gave me this lookCopy !req
1603. I could not believeCopy !req
1604. . And the cold stare remained
I wanted to leaveCopy !req
1605. Yeah, I do believe anger
is offset by sorrowCopy !req
1606. . But you destroy today
you might regret tomorrowCopy !req
1607. When you're young
and defensiveCopy !req
1608. ./t comes off offensiveCopy !req
1609. . And it's hard to repay the
tolerance that you borrowedCopy !req
1610. The lasting relationship
sinks right off the pierCopy !req
1611. Who wears the pants
It's faded but clearCopy !req
1612. . She's your girlfriend
and she ain't too fond of meCopy !req
1613. .I guess if that's the way
it was meant to beCopy !req
1614. There we were
just we threeCopy !req
1615. You, your girlfriend and meCopy !req
1616. .I've known you forever
You two just metCopy !req
1617. .So easily amused
how fast we forgetCopy !req
1618. . Ain't my jealousy
my self-righteous greedCopy !req
1619. . She's a bit like a book
I'm too farsighted to readCopy !req
1620. . And I wish you the best
but sometimes feel the needCopy !req
1621. To say
Remember meCopy !req
1622. Yeah, she's your girlfriend
as far as we can seeCopy !req
1623. . Does she look at you
the way she looks at meCopy !req
1624. . And here we are
just we threeCopy !req
1625. You, your girlfriend and meCopy !req
1626. . She's your girlfriend
it's gettin'harder to seeCopy !req
1627. . Betterjust take her home
Betterjust let her beCopy !req
1628. When she walks out that door
you come looking for meCopy !req
1629. [Jay ] Man, what do you always have
to tell that fuckin'gay story for?Copy !req
1630. Man, shut up.
- You shut up, you fat fuck.Copy !req