- 1. And now,
it's time for a breakdown.
- 2. Mmm, mmm, mmm, yeah...
- 3. Man, I told you Robbie Wheirdicht
showers here during first period.
- 4. Why doesn't he just shower at home
like a normal person?
- 5. Look at him.
- 6. Does anything about that
look normal to you?
- 7. You know, he's actually
a pretty good dancer.
- 8. I mean, fuck that guy is different!
- 9. Let's wreck him.
- 10. Hey, Weird Dick!
- 11. Come on.
- 12. Finally, young ladies and young gentlemen,
- 13. it is my pleasure
to announce that the winner
- 14. of the National High School
Student of the Year Award
- 15. is none other than your very own
- 16. two-time student body president,
- 17. the captain of
Central High's All Valley track team,
- 18. president of the drama club
- 19. and the senior voted
"Most Likely to Succeed."
- 20. I gotta tell you folks,
after 40 years as an educator,
- 21. he is my favorite student.
- 22. I wish he were my son
- 23. if I were medically able to have children.
- 24. He's everybody's
favorite all-around guy...
- 25. Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner! Come on!
- 26. Golden Jet!
Golden Jet! Golden Jet!
- 27. Oh, my goodness.
- 28. Wow! Wow, guys-
- 29. Hey! How about a hand
for Principal Kent, huh?
- 30. Huh?
- 31. Honestly, if my mom
was into white guys, it would be you.
- 32. I know it would, okay?
- 33. Well, as we all know,
this is our last assembly,
- 34. which means this is the last time
in front of you guys
- 35. that I'll be able to tell
the most beautiful girl in the world...
- 36. I'm talking about you, Maggie Johnson,
- 37. that I love you. I love you, baby. I do.
- 38. I'm gonna put it in my pocket.
- 39. I'll save it.
- 40. Okay.
- 41. All right, guys. We're seniors now.
- 42. And once we get those diplomas,
- 43. the decisions that we make after that
are all up to us.
- 44. I don't know what path
life is gonna take me on.
- 45. But I can promise you all this...
- 46. That I, for one, will push myself
- 47. at every stage, at every step.
- 48. So, I got one question to ask.
- 49. I got one question for
the graduating class of 1996
- 50. and that's "Will you..."
- 51. Check out my Weird Dick!
- 52. Hey. Here, here, man.
- 53. Thank you.
- 54. Well, there's no coming back from that.
- 55. Calvin Joyner, everybody,
- 56. voted "Most Likely to Succeed."
- 57. Golden Jet!
Golden Jet! Golden Jet!
- 58. Yo. Check it.
- 59. Oh, come on, man.
I don't want to see that.
- 60. Oh, no, no, it's my dick.
- 61. I know what it is. I don't want to see it.
- 62. Hilarious.
- 63. No, I'm working on this new sexting app.
- 64. It's kind of like Instagram, right?
- 65. But, instead of filters,
- 66. it just makes your junk look huge.
- 67. Like, three to six inches bigger.
- 68. It's called "Junk Mail." Clever, right?
- 69. - No, and here's why...
- Sorry, hang on, one second.
- 70. I'm just gonna...
- 71. What are you doing?
- 72. Okay, and send.
- 73. Sorry, you were saying something boring.
- 74. You just sent a dick pic.
- 75. It's called dating, grandma. Look it up.
- 76. Why are you all cranky-pants
this morning, huh?
- 77. Oh. It's because Ethan got promoted
instead of you?
- 78. Ethan got promoted?
- 79. Youngest senior associate
in the history of the firm.
- 80. Corner office, the whole deal.
- 81. Didn't he used to be your assistant?
- 82. Who cares? Hey, you should
come to lunch with us.
- 83. We're gonna be celebrating his pro-mosh!
- 84. It'll probably be good for you
to kiss the ring a bit.
- 85. "Kiss the ring a bit"?
- 86. Hey, you play your chessboard
however you like, okay?
- 87. Me, lunch today?
I'm gonna French kiss that thing.
- 88. Aah...
- 89. I can't. I'm taking my wife
to lunch today, so...
- 90. All right. Bummer for you.
- 91. Right?
- 92. Can you just get out of my face?
- 93. To a guy I not only consider my coworker,
- 94. but my personal friend.
- 95. - To Ethan!
- 96. Do you wanna move tables?
I know this kind of sucks.
- 97. No, no. It doesn't suck.
- 98. Hey, if I wanted to get
one of those ice teas
- 99. but I want most of it to be bourbon...
What is that called?
- 100. Okay. How about we change the topic
to something a little more fun?
- 101. Anything else, please.
- 102. Oh, how about...
- 103. This is the dress
that I'm thinking about wearing.
- 104. Oh!
- 105. Honey, I want every single girl
- 106. to be jealous tomorrow night.
- 107. Oh.
- 108. What?
- 109. I just... I just don't want to go.
- 110. Calvin, it's our 20-year
high school reunion.
- 111. I'm not gonna go without you.
- 112. We agreed we were going. I RSVP'd for us.
- 113. I just changed my mind. That's all.
- 114. Okay. I see.
- 115. You're disappointed
about the promotion. I get it.
- 116. This is not about the promotion.
- 117. Okay, this has to do with me
not wanting to spend my Friday night
- 118. answering the
"What are you doing now?" question.
- 119. That's what I'll get all night.
- 120. "Hey, Calvin, what are you doing now?"
"I'm an accountant."
- 121. "An accountant? Really?
- 122. "I thought you would be the governor, man.
- 123. "Wait a minute. Didn't you get voted
'Most Likely to Succeed'?
- 124. "I guess we missed that one."
- 125. Is this why you've been
so weird and moody lately?
- 126. 'Cause you're freaking out
about the reunion?
- 127. - No.
- And what's the matter
- 128. with being an accountant?
You love your job.
- 129. No, you love your job.
- 130. I'm good at my job.
It's not the same thing.
- 131. Honey, that's not fair.
- 132. You're a partner at your firm.
- 133. Instead, I work
in a building with a giant,
- 134. inflatable gorilla out in front of it.
- 135. Look, I don't want to be
the guy that peaked in high school
- 136. and, after he peaked,
his life went like this...
- 137. I don't know the sound
that that thing makes,
- 138. but you know what I'm trying to do.
- 139. I'm the guy that went down, okay?
- 140. - Yeah.
- Then my life
- 141. down here became a disappointment.
- 142. That's what I'll be.
- 143. Wow.
- 144. What?
- 145. I had no idea that your life with me
- 146. was such a soundless,
- 147. Don't do that.
- 148. - That's not... Don't do that.
- That's the sound.
- 149. You want to know the sound
I'm about to make right now?
- 150. The sound of me not going.
- 151. That's the sound I'm making.
- 152. I'm not going.
- 153. Yeah.
- 154. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- 155. No.
- 156. Not going to that.
- 157. Bob Stone?
- 158. Okay.
- 159. Hello?
- 160. - Hey.
- Girl, you scared me.
- 161. - I did?
- Yes. I thought that you were...
- 162. I just... On the...
- 163. Never mind. Hey, I'm glad you called.
- 164. I'm sorry about lunch today.
- 165. I'm an idiot, babe.
- 166. I don't even know
what's going on with me right now.
- 167. - I really don't.
- 168. Actually, honey,
- 169. that's what I was calling
to talk to you about.
- 170. Look, honey, I think that
we should see someone.
- 171. What do you mean, "Someone"?
What do you mean?
- 172. See someone, like a therapist.
- 173. Honey, black people don't go to therapy.
- 174. We go to barbershops.
- 175. That's where we talk out our problems.
- 176. Or we watch the movie Barbershop.
One or the other.
- 177. Look, my parents were really unhappy
- 178. for a long time before they got divorced.
- 179. And maybe if they saw someone sooner,
they would still be married.
- 180. I just want to nip this thing in the bud,
whatever it is.
- 181. I don't want to end up like my parents.
- 182. Wassup?
- 183. Wassup?
- 184. Please, just do it for me,
if not for you.
- 185. All right. Uh...
- 186. - When? When do you want to do it?
- 187. The doctor said
he could see us at 6:00 p.m.
- 188. Um... 6:00 p.m., when? Tonight?
- 189. Yeah. Yeah, is that a problem?
- 190. Holy shit! Robbie Wheirdicht?
- 191. Calvin, honey? Hello?
- 192. Um, yeah.
- 193. I can't. I already
made plans for tonight, baby.
- 194. - Plans with who?
- With Bob Stone.
- 195. Who's Bob Stone?
That sounds like a fake name.
- 196. No, no. You remember
Robbie Wheirdicht, from high school?
- 197. No.
- 198. The guy who got beaten up
by Trisha Demarco at homecoming?
- 199. No.
- 200. The kid that tried to rap along to
Coolio's 1,2, 3,4 at the talent show
- 201. but then he kinda lost his way,
- 202. so he just started bopping his head,
and he stood there?
- 203. No. Nothing.
- 204. The guy who got thrown out the gym,
butt-ass-naked, senior year?
- 205. Oh, my God, yeah!
- 206. Why wouldn't you start with that?
- 207. Because I thought that was kind of mean.
I don't know.
- 208. He never came back
to school after that, right?
- 209. Like, not for finals
or graduation or anything.
- 210. Didn't he join the military or something?
- 211. I'm not sure.
I don't know if he did or not,
- 212. but he changed his name to "Bob Stone"
- 213. and apparently he's in town
for the high school reunion.
- 214. He wants to go to dinner tonight,
and I kinda already said "yes."
- 215. - Okay.
- If you want me to cancel,
- 216. I will. You know?
- 217. If that's what you want, I don't mind.
- 218. Mmm-mmm. I mean,
it's a little weird, but whatever.
- 219. I'll just see if the doctor
can fit us in tomorrow.
- 220. - How about at lunch time?
- Okay. All right, fine.
- 221. Okay, good. I love you.
- 222. I love you, too, babe. I do.
- 223. - Oh, my...
- What is that?
- 224. - Okay.
- Calvin? Are you...
- 225. Love you. Bye-bye.
- 226. No!
- 227. Stop, stop!
- 228. Hey, man. I...
- 229. Hey! What's up, guys?
- 230. Congratulations on that promotion, man.
- 231. It's quite the thing.
- 232. Thank you.
Hey, that's not work appropriate.
- 233. Yup.
- 234. Not cool, man. Not cool.
- 235. Hey, forward that to me.
- 236. For real man,
- 237. Yeah. Watch it, punk.
- 238. Excuse you, too.
- 239. My man!
- 240. Back the fuck up!
- 241. - Whoa!
- Back up, man!
- 242. Fine. I'll give you these fists.
- 243. I'll fist your ass.
- 244. Calvin. It's me, Bob.
- 245. What? Sorry, do I know you?
- 246. Do you know...
- 247. Robbie Wheirdicht from high school!
- 248. Are you kidding? What?
- 249. - Wait, you're Robbie Wheirdicht?
- 250. God, man, look at you!
You've lost, like, 200 pounds!
- 251. I see you gained it back in muscle.
- 252. Oh, my God! You look great!
- 253. - No, you look great!
- Stop it.
- 254. No, you haven't changed
since high school, dude!
- 255. No, you're just sexy as dick right now.
- 256. You don't look somebody
in the eyes and say that.
- 257. Hey, let's get hammered.
- 258. I got an early clay at work,
so I'll probably...
- 259. No, come on, I'm buying!
- 260. Oh, shit.
- 261. Mmm.
- 262. I'm sorry, man. I am blown away right now.
- 263. Dude, you used to be Fat Robbie.
- 264. Look at you!
This is like a total transformation.
- 265. You look like Hercules or somebody.
- 266. What did you do? Come on, give it to me.
- 267. - I didn't do much, really.
- Stop it.
- 268. All right. I just did one thing.
- 269. Come on, I need to know.
- 270. I worked out six hours a day, every day,
- 271. for the last 20 years straight.
- 272. - I mean, anybody can do it, right?
- 273. Yeah. You know, I've gotten into hot yoga.
- 274. I started doing some sessions.
- 275. Uh-huh.
- 276. Nice unicorn, man.
- 277. Oh, yeah,
I'm big-time into 'corns.
- 278. So magical, right?
- 279. You know, they're the most
lethal animal on the planet.
- 280. Here you go.
- 281. Guys, my name's Lexi.
- 282. Just let me know if you need anything.
- 283. Okay.
- 284. I mean, like, anything at all.
- 285. Okie-dokie.
- 286. You're funny. Do you ever, like, Snapchat?
- 287. - Oh, no. You know...
- I wasn't talking to you.
- 288. No, no, no. I don't do that.
- 289. I'm just catching up
with an old friend from high school.
- 290. Aw. You're so sweet.
- 291. I think unicorns are sexy, too.
- 292. That must happen to you
all the time, right?
- 293. Ah, nah.
- 294. I mean, all that meaningless sex is just...
- 295. It's not my bag anymore, CJ.
- 296. No, now, I'm looking for
more of an emotional connection.
- 297. The next woman I lay with,
- 298. she's gonna be beautiful on the inside,
- 299. just as much as she is on the outside.
- 300. Hey, wait. Whatever happened
- 301. to that girl that you liked
in high school?
- 302. Oh, God, man. The "Doogie Howser" girl.
- 303. She was 14, but somehow she was a senior.
- 304. She wore a cape.
- 305. - Darla McGuckian.
- Darla McGuckian.
- 306. "Yucky Gucky."
- 307. - Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?
- Two of 'em.
- 308. Right.
- 309. Hey, but listen,
I don't wanna talk about me.
- 310. I wanna talk about you.
- 311. I heard that
you and Maggie Johnson got hitched.
- 312. Oh, yeah.
- 313. Yeah, man, right after college.
- 314. Wow! The prettiest girl in school,
and the coolest guy in school!
- 315. Oh, man, I got lucky.
- 316. I mean, you guys are like
a power couple, dude!
- 317. - No, no.
- 318. You're like Taylor Swift
and whoever she's dating right now.
- 319. - Power.
- Uh, thanks!
- 320. Yeah. You guys got kids?
- 321. No. No kids yet.
- 322. We planned on it after college,
- 323. but Maggie went to law school,
I kept changing jobs.
- 324. You know, having kids just
isn't in our cards right now.
- 325. Not at this point, that's all.
- 326. - Oh, okay.
- 327. I don't wanna talk about
me and Maggie and myself.
- 328. What about you? What are you doing?
- 329. I didn't even ask you, man.
What do you do for work?
- 330. I'm a government contractor.
- 331. Okay, that's cool.
Like, what, buildings and stuff?
- 332. Yeah, sort of.
- 333. But I kinda just got fired.
- 334. - Oh, shit! I'm sorry, man.
- Oh, it's okay.
- 335. Screw those guys, anyway.
They're way too corporate.
- 336. 'Cause dudes like me and you,
I mean, we're alpha dogs, right?
- 337. I mean, we're pathfinders
- 338. And we don't listen
to what anyone tells us, right?
- 339. - Yeah, right.
- 340. I mean, come on, man,
I sorta path-find a little bit
- 341. along certain preapproved parameters
that are given to me.
- 342. I'm willing to path-find
but it's all about how it's set up.
- 343. But within the box that I have, I go nuts.
You'll be surprised.
- 344. I had a guy tell me the other day,
- 345. "Hey, Calvin, you know,
I need those accounting numbers back
- 346. "from, you know, the file."
- 347. - I said, "Go fuck yourself, Jim."
- 348. I didn't say it
because I wasn't in my box,
- 349. - but I thought about it.
- Exactly! Yeah! Yeah!
- 350. I got an idea. Let's do shots!
- 351. No!
- 352. I'm sorry for saying it like that, but no.
- 353. I haven't had shots
in almost 10 years, man.
- 354. What? Come on, we have to!
- 355. Celebrating what?
- 356. Celebrating that I'm hanging
with the coolest kid in high school.
- 357. - Stop it.
- Calvin Joyner!
- 358. The Golden Jet.
- 359. You got to be shitting me. Wow!
- 360. I haven't... God!
- 361. It's been forever since I heard that, man!
- 362. - I'll do one.
- All right!
- 363. - One shot.
- 364. No. One shot.
- 365. Just one, okay? Bob, it's been a while.
- 366. Oh, shit! You remember this?
- 367. This was the jammy-jam!
- 368. What's that? Is that a fanny pack, Bob?
- 369. Hell, yeah! Dude, you want one?
- 370. No, it's okay.
- 371. I got two at home. I'll hook you up.
- 372. Leather pack for The Jet.
- 373. Fanny!
- 374. Shit.
- 375. What the hell did I get myself into?
- 376. Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- 377. Hey, sir, somebody's
actually sitting there.
- 378. - Yeah, someone was.
- No! Hey, man!
- 379. Hey, you don't see
the sweatshirt right here?
- 380. - Man, somebody's sitting here.
- Move your meat, lose your seat.
- 381. Dude, you don't
have to be a dick about it.
- 382. Somebody's sitting in the chair.
- 383. Bro, are you seriously
gonna go there, bro?
- 384. 'Cause there's only one way back, bro.
- 385. Through intensive care, bro.
- 386. Was that the last "bro"?
'Cause if it was, then I'll talk.
- 387. That supposed to be funny?
- 388. - Dude-
- You a comedian now?
- 389. 'Cause you don't look like
Dane Cook to me, bro.
- 390. Hey, now!
- 391. What's the rumpus?
- 392. You know...
There's no problem, man.
- 393. Let's just go to another table.
Get your jacket. Let's go.
- 394. - No, we're not gonna go anywhere.
- Listen to your pussy friend.
- 395. Those gym muscles
aren't scaring anybody, pal.
- 396. - Oh, these?
- Let's just go. It's okay.
- 397. No, we're not gonna go.
This man insulted you.
- 398. And we're not gonna leave
until he apologizes.
- 399. - It's okay.
- Hey, we got a problem here?
- 400. - No, no.
- Yeah, we got a big problem.
- 401. Your friend, here,
really insulted my friend
- 402. and he needs to apologize.
- 403. I don't think he does.
- 404. He doesn't.
- 405. Oh, you know what, man?
- 406. I think this whole situation's
getting a little out of control.
- 407. I can fix this whole thing.
- 408. I'll order some nachos. The "Explosions."
- 409. It's got four cheeses!
Let's eat 'em together.
- 410. You know what? You take them.
- 411. Let's go.
- 412. Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet.
- 413. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.
- 414. Hey, how about this?
- 415. Why don't you and your boyfriend
apologize to Big Rick here
- 416. and then go jerk each other
in the parking lot?
- 417. That's a lot...
- 418. Yeah. You're right, CJ.
- 419. That's a lot of homophobia
coming out of a very angry man.
- 420. You need to go get that looked at
by a trained professional.
- 421. But, since you have
escalated this whole scenario
- 422. by bringing what I can only assume
- 423. is an unlicensed firearm
into this public place,
- 424. endangering the lives
of all these innocent people,
- 425. I can no longer,
in good conscience, walk away
- 426. and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.
- 427. I'm afraid we ain't going anywhere.
- 428. It's time for you to get out of here, pal.
- 429. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- 430. There's four of us, tough guy.
- 431. Yeah. I got that.
- 432. All right. Before
this whole thing goes down,
- 433. you should know one thing about me.
- 434. What's that?
- 435. I don't like bullies.
- 436. Let's go, Jet.
- 437. Yes.
- 438. Oh, my God! I hope he's Catholic.
- 439. Oh, my God!
- 440. What the hell was that?
- 441. Bob, that was amazing!
I've never seen anything like that!
- 442. You took the one guy,
you hit him like this.
- 443. He couldn't breathe.
- 444. I sat there, I'm looking at him...
- 445. You talkin' to him like,
"I don't like bullies."
- 446. I was like, "That's not a good line."
But it was!
- 447. I didn't even know you could fight!
- 448. You had a unicorn shirt, a fanny pack,
and it totally worked!
- 449. You were like Jason Bourne,
man, but with jorts!
- 450. How did you do that?
Where'd you learn that stuff?
- 451. I took a couple classes at work.
- 452. I hope I didn't go too far.
- 453. I'm sorry about ruining the night, Jet.
- 454. Ruin my night?
No! it was the coolest thing ever, man!
- 455. 'Really?
- 456. To see my boy go in and whoop ass
on those idiots back there.
- 457. Dude, that was amazing!
- 458. Wait, we're boys?
- 459. Yeah, we boys.
- 460. Wow. I...
- 461. Never had a boy.
- 462. - That's awesome! Come here!
- Oh, wait.
- 463. Stop. What's going on, man?
- 464. - I'm a hugger!
- What're you doing?
- 465. Hey! I got an idea.
Let's roll. Here's my bike.
- 466. Wait. That's your bike?
- 467. Yeah. Kawasaki 800!
- 468. I know what the bike is.
- 469. I had the same bike in high school, man.
- 470. - You still ride?
- No, man.
- 471. I haven't ridden a bike in years!
- 472. Come on, let's roll.
- 473. Where? Where you trying to go?
- 474. I know the perfect spot. Come on, Jet.
- 475. You know, why not? Why not?
- 476. After this... Yeah, okay!
- 477. Let's roll.
- 478. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, Bob! Slow, slow, slow!
- 479. Bob, hey, hey!
- 480. God, this is so crazy, man.
- 481. This brings back so many memories.
- 482. I don't know, CJ.
- 483. I mean, high school
wasn't easy for me, man.
- 484. I don't know if you know this,
- 485. but I didn't have many friends back then.
- 486. What?
- 487. - Really?
- 488. I don't know why I thought...
- 489. True story.
- 490. Man, I thought high school
was gonna be like Sixteen Candles
- 491. and I was gonna be like Molly Ringwald.
- 492. Sure, things were difficult
in the beginning,
- 493. but then, by the end,
- 494. everything worked out.
- 495. And Jake Ryan picked her up
in that red Porsche.
- 496. What-what?
- 497. You ever see that movie?
- 498. I'm black, so I don't know the...
- 499. You gotta see it, dude.
- 500. Total classic.
It's my favorite all-time movie.
- 501. Then I realized high school
was nothing like Sixteen Candles.
- 502. And I'll never be like Molly Ringwald.
- 503. Yeah, well, depends on who you ask.
- 504. That's the thing. For me, I...
- 505. What's going on?
- 506. Oh, wow.
- 507. Hey, man, I just wanna say that
I'm really sorry
- 508. about what Trevor and those guys
did to you back then.
- 509. No biggie. I don't even
think about it anymore. No.
- 510. Okay, good.
- 511. Yeah. Here's the secret.
You know what I did, Jet?
- 512. I took all that stuff
and I balled it up real tight
- 513. and then I shoved it way down deep.
- 514. And I just pretty much ignore it.
- 515. You know, that sounds
really unhealthy, Bob.
- 516. Hey, I gotta tell you.
- 517. You were the only one
who helped me out that day.
- 518. In the gym? Remember that?
- 519. And you gave me your letterman's jacket!
- 520. Hey, not for nothing,
but I never got that jacket back, man.
- 521. Huh!
- 522. Really? Strange.
- 523. Hey, but listen, I just wanna thank you
- 524. for what you did for me that day.
- 525. That was really cool of you, Jet.
- 526. Stop, man.
It was the right thing to do, you know?
- 527. - You wanna hear something weird?
- 528. I have not been naked since that day.
- 529. I mean, not in front of anyone.
- 530. Never.
- 531. So, you're telling me
that for the last 20 years,
- 532. you've never been seen
in your birthday suit?
- 533. - No.
- So, what about when you have sex?
- 534. I keep it pitch-black,
just like Vin Diesel.
- 535. What?
- 536. You know I've been wondering,
whatever happened to Trevor anyway?
- 537. Did he get hit by a bus
or ripped apart by dogs
- 538. or die slowly of anything?
- 539. No. No, no.
He's a bigtime investment banker downtown.
- 540. - Oh, hey, cool.
- 541. Good for him, man.
- 542. Hey, Bob, look,
if you ever wanna talk, I'm here.
- 543. So I don't mind, you know?
- 544. I don't mind at all, if you wanna...
- 545. What?
- 546. Whoa.
- 547. This is all our stuff from our year!
- 548. Yeah. Must be getting ready
for the reunion tomorrow night.
- 549. Come on, man. Let's get out of here.
- 550. What? No! "Get out..."
Look, you're all over this!
- 551. Look at this.
Basketball, baseball, cross country.
- 552. Hamlet.
- 553. Prom King.
- 554. There's Darla McGuckian.
- 555. Synchronized swimming, that's so sexy.
- 556. This is like the Guinness Book
of Golden Jet Records right there.
- 557. I see that.
- 558. To be honest with you,
I don't even recognize this guy anymore.
- 559. This guy, here, he was gonna...
- 560. He was gonna conquer the world.
- 561. If 18-year-old me could see me now,
- 562. he'd probably think I was a total loser.
- 563. What? That's crazy talk!
- 564. - You're The Golden Jet, dude!
- 565. Stop, Bob. Spare me
with The Golden Jet shit.
- 566. I'm not The Golden Jet, man.
I'm an accountant.
- 567. That's my reality.
- 568. I just thought
I was meant for more, you know?
- 569. My life would be something special.
- 570. You know how they say every man
is the hero of his own story?
- 571. Was that in Twilight?
- 572. No, I don't think that's where it's from.
- 573. But those books are cool, right? Vampires!
- 574. And there's a wolf-boy.
- 575. I'm not... I'm not talking
about Twilight, Bob, okay?
- 576. I'm talking about the fact that
I don't feel like
- 577. I'm the hero of my own story. That's...
- 578. How are you not the hero
of your own story?
- 579. No one else can be!
- 580. Yo, CJ, I gotta be honest with you, man.
- 581. I mean, all this talk about Calvin Joyner
- 582. not feeling like he's a hero...
- 583. That's crazy talk, man.
- 584. No. No, it's not.
- 585. You were the best thing about high school.
- 586. I'll always believe in you.
- 587. Yo, do you remember
those backflips you used to do?
- 588. The crowd would go crazy!
I was there, too.
- 589. I was, like, "What? How's he do that?"
- 590. How did you do that?
- 591. I don't know. I just did it, man.
- 592. Exactly.
- 593. So, do it now.
- 594. No, no. You're crazy! No.
- 595. What's that?
- 596. What're you talking about? What's what?
- 597. - Golden Jet!
- No, stop it.
- 598. - Golden Jet!
- Okay, stop it!
- 599. - Golden Jet!
- All right.
- 600. Golden Jet!
- 601. I'm not gonna stop until
you do The Golden Jet flip!
- 602. Golden Jet!
- 603. All right, everybody, settle down.
- 604. If the crowd wants a Golden Jet flip,
- 605. then they gonna get a Golden Jet flip.
- 606. You go, girl!
- 607. On, God!
- 608. That was so close, Jet.
- 609. Here, buddy. Come on.
- 610. They must have just waxed these floors.
- 611. That was definitely a first, man.
- 612. Oh, man, lam beat.
- 613. Oh.
- 614. Hey, Jet!
- 615. Man, I had a great time tonight.
- 616. Whoa!
- 617. You know what?
I had a good time, too, man.
- 618. I feel like I needed this, you know?
- 619. Yeah. Yeah. Me, too!
- 620. Thank you.
- 621. My pleasure, amigo. Any time.
- 622. Hey, if there's ever anything
I can do for you, just say the word.
- 623. Wow. You really mean that?
- 624. Yeah.
- 625. I wasn't gonna bring it up,
but I might as well.
- 626. Lately, I've been having this problem
with my payroll account. And...
- 627. It's all screwed up, somehow.
- 628. You know, I was overseas
working for a while before I got fired.
- 629. So, it's kinda like
a forensic international account thingy
- 630. which, I think,
is kind of your specialty, right?
- 631. Um...
- 632. Yeah, no, it is.
I'll take a look at that for you.
- 633. You would? You would do that for me?
- 634. I've got the login info,
if you wanna crack open your computer,
- 635. we can do this!
- 636. Oh, you mean now?
- 637. - That's awesome! Yeah!
- 638. - Look at this!
- Hey, Bob...
- 639. Whoa!
- 640. Bob, you gotta keep your voice down!
- 641. Maggie's sleeping.
- 642. Wow.
- 643. This is a pretty serious international
account dossier you've got here.
- 644. Right? I just want to make sure
everything was hunky-dory.
- 645. Going to your router.
- 646. Now you're talking to me.
- 647. Bingo. I'm in.
- 648. Oh. That's great, Jet.
Thank you, man!
- 649. I mean, just looking at it first-hand,
- 650. it kinda looks like it's a bunch of
off-shore escrow accounts.
- 651. These have been backwashed into
- 652. a series of domestic dummy accounts
for some reason.
- 653. I mean, the logs are all crazy, too.
You have China,
- 654. Syria, Iran.
- 655. This is an auction site, Bob!
- 656. These are bids. All of these.
- 657. This is hundreds of millions
of dollars in bids, right here.
- 658. And judging by this clock, here,
- 659. it says it's all gonna end tomorrow.
- 660. Whoa!
- 661. - What the hell? Why?
- What did...
- 662. - Oh! I'm sorry, Jet!
- 663. Jet, I'm so sorry! Oh, man.
- 664. - I'm all thumbs.
- It's my computer!
- 665. - I'm sorry.
- No! Please, Bob.
- 666. - I'm sorry, Jet.
- Leave it. I got it.
- 667. It's fine, Bob. It's fine. Just leave it.
- 668. The worst!
- 669. God!
- 670. Hey! What the hell was that on that site?
- 671. That didn't have
anything to do with payroll.
- 672. I don't know. I've never seen that before.
- 673. That was crazy.
- 674. Let's figure it out tomorrow
when we're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
- 675. What do you say, CJ? I am beat.
- 676. Hey, do you mind if I crash here?
- 677. Um...
- 678. No.
- 679. Let me go grab some blankets.
- 680. Hey, thanks for the jammies, Jet.
- 681. Okay, well, you can keep those.
- 682. Those are... Those are officially yours.
- 683. Yeah.
- 684. - All right.
- 685. You gonna sleep with your fanny pack.
- 686. Golden Jet! Yeah, it's my baby.
- 687. You need anything else? You're okay?
- 688. I can't believe I'm having a sleepover
at Calvin Joyner's house right now.
- 689. This is blowing my mind!
- 690. Okay.
- 691. Uh, good night, Bob.
- 692. Good night, Jet.
- 693. Me?
- 694. Yeah, you.
- 695. What the fuck?
- 696. One second.
- 697. Hold on.
- 698. Uh, may I help you?
- 699. Mr. Joyner, my name is Pamela Harris,
- 700. I'm with the Central Intelligence Agency.
- 701. Have you had any contact with this man?
- 702. Uh, yeah, he's on my...
He's on my couch, sleeping.
- 703. Target's in the house.
- 704. What's going on? Hey!
- 705. Excuse me. Excuse me!
- 706. Target's fled.
- 707. Shit.
- 708. Target's on the move.
- 709. Excuse me! What...
- 710. Hello, hey! Excuse me!
- 711. - ... and voice chatter in the vicinity.
- Hello! Excuse me!
- 712. If he's in the wind again,
it's gonna be your ass. Go now.
- 713. - Hello!
- Alert Langley, asset uncontained.
- 714. Excuse me!
- 715. - Can I help you?
- 716. It's my house. Ls something going on?
- 717. Well, Mr. Joyner,
your sleepover buddy, Robert Wheirdicht,
- 718. AKA Bob Stone, AKA Bob Golden,
AKA Bob Jet,
- 719. is wanted for murder and treason
- 720. and is presently in possession
of highly classified state secrets
- 721. which he intends to sell to our enemies.
- 722. What?
- 723. And if he succeeds, it's gonna spark
a chain reaction of geopolitical events
- 724. that most of our predictive models
- 725. place somewhere between
World War III and outright Armageddon.
- 726. So, yeah, I guess you could say
something is going on.
- 727. Oh, you mind?
- 728. Creamer's in the fridge. What?
- 729. I don't need it.
- 730. What I do need is information.
- 731. I need you to tell me
everything and anything
- 732. about your contact with Agent Stone.
- 733. - Agent Stone?
- Bob, your friend Bob.
- 734. Come on. Stay with me, please.
- 735. Okay, I think there's a misunderstanding.
- 736. No. No, he is not my friend.
- 737. Then why did he list you
as his emergency contact
- 738. in all his personnel forms?
- 739. I'm sorry... He what?
- 740. Bob Stone has no siblings, or parents,
or family of any kind.
- 741. You are the only person
- 742. he listed in his personal references.
- 743. On...
- 744. That's crazy, all right?
I barely even know the guy.
- 745. Then why was he sleeping on your couch?
- 746. Because we went out
and had drinks last night.
- 747. Oh, so you went out drinking
with your non-friend?
- 748. Okay.
- 749. All right, let's... You're not...
- 750. Time out.
- 751. I'm pressing the time out button.
- 752. Okay? You guys barged in my house.
I pay my taxes.
- 753. So you're not gonna come here
and treat me like I'm the enemy, okay?
- 754. That's the first thing.
Now, if you want to get into facts...
- 755. You wanna talk about facts?
- 756. This is Facebook's fault.
- 757. Are you familiar with Facebook?
- 758. We surveil it.
- 759. He sent me a friend request.
- 760. That's how this whole thing started.
- 761. And you accepted?
- 762. Don't do that. Don't do that to me.
- 763. You give me a second. Okay?
Don't fire back like that.
- 764. First of all,
fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right?
- 765. Now, I accepted because it was Facebook.
- 766. And it's rude when you don't accept it
- 767. and I don't know
if the person on the other end
- 768. can see me not accept it.
That's why I accepted.
- 769. Are you nervous, Mr. Joyner?
- 770. Is it hot?
- 771. Are you getting hot?
Because I'm getting hot.
- 772. I'm not gonna take off my jacket
- 773. because that makes me look guilty.
- 774. And that's what you guys look for. Hmm?
- 775. Is this what a guilty man would do?
- 776. Look how comfortable I am.
- 777. I'm gonna lean up against this counter,
and I'm not gonna sweat.
- 778. I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna look flustered at all.
- 779. I'm... Bring it.
- 780. What you want to know?
- 781. Hmm?
- 782. - Mr. Joyner.
- 783. Bob Stone is a dangerous psychotic.
- 784. - You're lucky to be alive.
- Okay, listen to me.
- 785. Agent Harris, I don't know this man.
- 786. He's just a little weird kid
that I knew in high school.
- 787. He used to put Rice Krispies Treats
in my locker.
- 788. Sometimes I ate 'em, sometimes I didn't.
- 789. I wasn't in carbs back then
- 790. 'cause I didn't want that weight
going to my hips.
- 791. As a man, you don't want big hips,
especially in high school.
- 792. Bottom line,
I have no allegiance to this man.
- 793. Zero ties, okay?
- 794. All ties are cut.
- 795. I cut them, so this is me and you.
- 796. So don't put me and him...
- 797. I ain't in this shit, okay?
- 798. All right, Mr. Joyner. Prove it.
- 799. Yeah, well, I need a second.
- 800. You gotta step outside.
I gotta take a shit.
- 801. This is a lot.
- 802. I got to go. Just give me a second, man!
- 803. - I'll be waiting.
- Jesus Christ!
- 804. All teams be advised,
we're Oscar Mike with the bait.
- 805. I'm sorry, did you just
call me "the bait"?
- 806. No.
- 807. Yeah, you did.
She just called me the bait.
- 808. Why am I the bait?
- 809. No, that doesn't sound like
something I'd ever say.
- 810. - You just said it.
- What's going on here?
- 811. Sir, I'm gonna need you to step aside.
- 812. This is a matter of national security.
- 813. Yeah, right! I love it.
- 814. What is this? Like a strippergram thing
to suck up to Ethan?
- 815. Gotta love strippers. So dirty.
- 816. Show us your tits! Show us your tits!
- 817. Hey, let's see some titty!
- 818. - This you?
- Yeah, right here.
- 819. You did this to yourself.
- 820. - Small.
- 821. It's my wife.
- 822. Mr. Joyner, it is my legal obligation
to inform you
- 823. that you are now a part of
a highly classified covert action.
- 824. So, say hello to your wife
and then get off the phone.
- 825. Am I clear?
- 826. Don't tell my wife shit. Got it.
- 827. Don't tell your wife shit.
- 828. - What line?
- Line one.
- 829. Hey, Mags.
Hey, I can't really talk right now, babe.
- 830. - I got a lot going on.
- Okay, okay. I get it. You're hungover.
- 831. Listen, Dr. Dan can see us today at lunch.
- 832. - Wait a minute, Dr. Dan?
- The therapist, remember?
- 833. So, I'm thinking we should just
meet at home and go together. Thank you.
- 834. Go. Go on,
and I'll just see you there, okay?
- 835. But I got to really go, babe.
- 836. I'm slammed in here.
So, I gotta get off the phone.
- 837. - All right. Jeez! Is everything okay?
- Everything is fine, babe.
- 838. I gotta keep the line clear.
I love you. Bye, I gotta go.
- 839. Love you. Bye.
- 840. Hmm.
- 841. "Hmm." What?
- 842. I'm an expert in speech pathology
and psycho-lingual subtext.
- 843. Your wife is not fulfilled
in your relationship.
- 844. Wait, what?
- 845. Also, she wants to have a baby.
- 846. Where are you getting...
- 847. Calvin Joyner, Accounting.
- 848. Hello? Calvin Joyner, Accounting.
- 849. Calvin?
- 850. It's Bob! It's Bob!
- 851. Act natural.
- 852. Calvin. Is that you?
- 853. Are you there?
- 854. Well, hey. Well, yeah.
- 855. Yeah, wassup?
- 856. What up, Bobby-o?
- 857. Are you quite well?
- 858. I'm in big trouble.
- 859. Oh, God! I screwed up.
I screwed up big time.
- 860. We gotta talk. Can you meet me?
- 861. Sure. Yeah. Where?
Where do you want me to meet you?
- 862. I'm in the stairwell of your building,
two flights down.
- 863. - Stairwell?
- 864. - He's in the stairwell, two flights down!
- Move, move!
- 865. Alert Charlie team.
- 866. Hold on. What's going on? Am I safe here?
- 867. As long as Bob Stone
is in the building, no one's safe.
- 868. Get back in your office now!
- 869. Okay!
- 870. Good news is we heard her, guys.
- 871. So, everybody, let's all just stay calm.
- 872. As long as... As long... Shit!
- 873. What the hell is going on?
- 874. - Relax.
- 875. Great job at
getting them out of here, Jet.
- 876. - Oh, Bob!
- That's teamwork!
- 877. Wait! How did you... What did you just do?
- 878. It's a tradecraft, buddy.
- 879. Spoiler alert...
- 880. I'm in the CIA.
- 881. Oh, no shit!
- 882. Hey, hey! What're you doing with my phone?
- 883. You about to turn my phone
into a bomb, aren't you?
- 884. I've seen Homeland.
So I know what they do.
- 885. Homeland?
No, I'm ordering us an Uber.
- 886. Six minutes. That's kinda tight.
- 887. I'm gonna need your tie.
- 888. You're gonna... No!
- 889. - Your necktie, take it off.
- 890. - I'm not taking my tie off!
- Come on, Jet!
- 891. Don't do that. Don't do that.
- 892. That's good. Save it, save it, save it.
- 893. Save it, Jet.
- 894. - There we go, just right over here.
- Fine, take it, take it.
- 895. You can have it. Okay, that...
Listen to me. Listen.
- 896. Stop. Stop!
- 897. I need to know
what is happening, right now.
- 898. Okay, okay. You know what?
Moving too fast.
- 899. Bottom line, are you in or you out?
- 900. What are you... In or out of what?
- 901. Mmm-mmm. No time
for questions, just action.
- 902. - In or out?
- Okay, then I'm out.
- 903. I'm sorry, Jet.
Actually, you're already in.
- 904. Then why would you ask me?
- 905. Because I thought
you would go, "I'm in, Bob!"
- 906. And we would've had a really cool moment,
- 907. but you kinda ruined the whole thing.
- 908. I ruined...
- 909. Okay, okay, Okay-
- 910. Listen to me right now.
- 911. Bob, I don't know what it is
that you're into
- 912. but what I do know is that
- 913. I am really, really 100% out!
- 914. Do you understand that?
- 915. - God, you are good!
- 916. Calvin Joyner, president of the Drama Club
for a reason, folks!
- 917. - You're like a snack-size Denzel.
- Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
- 918. This is not a game.
- 919. I'm being serious right now.
- 920. I'm out!
- 921. Okay. Okay.
- 922. I can't say I'm not disappointed, Jet,
- 923. but if you're out, you're out.
- 924. Thank you! I'm out!
- 925. I'm just happy that we can communicate
- 926. openly and honestly.
- 927. I think it says a lot
about our relationship.
- 928. Wait, hold up, wait.
What're you doing? Oh, my God!
- 929. Here's the thing, though.
- 930. There's only one way for you to get out.
- 931. What's that?
- 932. You gotta get in first.
- 933. What is it that...
- 934. What-what! Take my gun, Jet,
- 935. we may have to kill some people.
- 936. - Come on, it's not gonna bite you.
- I will do no such thing.
- 937. I think you'll like it.
- 938. - I will not!
- You're gonna need it.
- 939. You're gonna need it! He's in here!
- 940. Jet.
- 941. He's in there! Bob's in there!
- 942. He's got a gun! He's got a gun!
- 943. - Down, down, get down!
- Move, move, move!
- 944. All right. I'm gonna need
your improv skills.
- 945. What?
- 946. - Hostage role-play, you ready?
- 947. - Sweet, let's go.
- No, I said no!
- 948. I said no!
- 949. He's got a hostage!
- 950. No!
- 951. No! Stop it, you gonna get me killed!
- 952. Don't shoot!
- 953. There we go, Jet!
- 954. What are you doing?
- 955. Oh! Shoot!
- 956. Don't shoot!
- 957. - Hang tight, Jet!
- No, I'm not doing anything!
- 958. Stop including me in your stuff!
- 959. Get him, Agent! Hit him with the stick!
- 960. Oh!
- 961. You're doing a great job, Jet.
Just give me a second, okay?
- 962. What the fuck?
- 963. He got a coffee pot!
- 964. He got a banana!
- 965. Oh! Oh!
- 966. Freeze!
- 967. Jet, help!
- 968. What?
- 969. Golden Jet, help.
- 970. No, man, I'm not helping you!
- 971. Oh, shit.
- 972. - Give me the gun!
- Stop it!
- 973. - Stop resisting!
- No, let me go!
- 974. Let me go! I'm trying to give it to you!
- 975. Oh, shit!
- 976. - That was an accident!
- Don't move!
- 977. No, stop! Listen to me!
- 978. Let's go.
- 979. Wait, wait! Come on! What are you... Ah!
- 980. Come on, man!
- 981. This has gotta stop! Okay?
- 982. Shit!
- 983. Don't shoot!
- 984. - Oh, God!
- Show us your hands!
- 985. - Drop your weapon!
- Do it now!
- 986. Ow.
- 987. Sorry, Jet.
- 988. It's over, Bob. Give up.
- 989. You know I can't do that, Pam.
- 990. There's nowhere to run, Agent Stone.
- 991. Just like Caracas.
- 992. Uh, Caracas would've worked
if you trusted me like Calvin trusts me.
- 993. No. No.
- 994. That is not true. I do not trust him!
- 995. I do not trust him at all.
As a matter of fact,
- 996. this is a perfect time
for us to clear this up
- 997. especially in the middle of this standoff.
I shouldn't be here!
- 998. So I feel like me being
in the middle of this throws me in it.
- 999. So let me exclude myself.
- 1000. - Hey, stay down!
- Don't move!
- 1001. Okay, all right.
I'll stay in. I'll stay in.
- 1002. I got a plan.
- 1003. Might get us both killed
- 1004. but if it works,
it'll be a totally boss story.
- 1005. Cool?
- 1006. - No! No, it's not cool!
- 1007. No, I said it's not cool.
- 1008. I said it's not cool!
- 1009. Time's up.
- 1010. You're right, Pam.
- 1011. My time is up.
- 1012. In three, two,
- 1013. ODE.
- 1014. Bob, Bob, Bob!
- 1015. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 1016. Oh, shit!
- 1017. Whoa-hem.!
- 1018. Wow! Did you feel that, Jet?
- 1019. That was the balls right there!
- 1020. Hey, did you shit yourself a little bit?
- 1021. It's all right if you did. Totally cool.
I don't judge.
- 1022. Get if Off!
- 1023. You guys order an Uber?
- 1024. What are you doing?
- 1025. You better get your tuches in the car.
- 1026. You're gonna get shot!
- 1027. Don't shoot me! Shoot him!
- 1028. Shoot him! I'm out! I'm out! I'm out!
- 1029. Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Go, Bob!
- 1030. Hey, that's my car!
- 1031. FUCK you!
- 1032. You get zero stars!
- 1033. Put the word out to all assets.
- 1034. I'm doubling the price on Bob's head.
- 1035. Hey, what the shit,
- 1036. Get Larry on it.
- 1037. Car, car, car!
- 1038. All right, here's the dilly-o, Jet.
- 1039. About three weeks ago,
an enemy of the state
- 1040. codenamed "The Black Badger"
- 1041. stole the encryption keys
to the entire US spy satellite program
- 1042. which he's gonna sell to a buyer
- 1043. from that auction site
on your computer last night.
- 1044. Bob...
- 1045. If we lose control of our satellites,
- 1046. we're completely vulnerable
to any terrorist attacks.
- 1047. That's why I had to go back
to your office and get you, Jet.
- 1048. I need your super sweet accounting skills
- 1049. to help me figure out
the last piece of this puzzle
- 1050. which is the transaction number
from the winning bid.
- 1051. That'll tell us
where the deal is going down.
- 1052. That way, we can get The Black Badger.
- 1053. I can't do it without you, Jet.
- 1054. Are you kidding me? I'm not helping you.
- 1055. You attacked somebody with a banana.
- 1056. - A banana, force multiplier.
- 1057. Well, basically what that means
is anything in your hand
- 1058. is far more dangerous
than just your bare hands alone,
- 1059. including a banana.
- 1060. Oh!
- 1061. Oh! Ah!
- 1062. - A force multiplier!
- 1063. Yeah, that's what it is.
- 1064. It makes so much more sense to me now.
- 1065. That's page-one CIA stuff.
- 1066. I almost forgot
that I wasn't in the fucking CIA!
- 1067. Stop the car.
- 1068. You stop the car right now! Stop the car!
- 1069. Okay, okay. That's a great idea, Jet.
- 1070. We should get off the grid right now.
- 1071. Whoa!
- 1072. All right. We're clear.
- 1073. Okay.
- 1074. Okay. Let's just take some deep breaths.
- 1075. Okay? Deep breaths.
- 1076. All you gotta do is get out of this car
- 1077. and have a rational conversation with Bob
- 1078. and he'll understand.
- 1079. Robert, I would like to
go home now, please.
- 1080. Buddy, you and me both.
- 1081. But until we clear our names,
there's no going home.
- 1082. I'm sorry, can you clarify
that last sentence for me?
- 1083. Yeah, well, now that you're in...
- 1084. Let me stop you right there. I'm not in.
- 1085. I never said that I was in.
- 1086. In fact, I expressly remember
saying that I was out!
- 1087. I know, but they think you're in.
- 1088. I am...
- 1089. I'm fucking out! I'm out!
- 1090. - What's left to tell?
- Hey, no, I get it.
- 1091. - I'm not in!
- I'm just saying they think you're in.
- 1092. - I'm not in! lam not in!
- I get it.
- 1093. I'm not in! I'm out!
- 1094. One sec, Jet, just gotta disable the GPS.
- 1095. Where did you...
- 1096. You wanna go under... That's fine!
- 1097. Wait a minute.
- 1098. You did this on purpose, didn't you?
- 1099. This whole thing was done on purpose.
- 1100. This is your plan!
- 1101. You tricked me!
- 1102. It's fine, but I know you tricked me.
- 1103. - Trick you?
- You tricked... Hey, boy!
- 1104. What? What'd you just...
- 1105. I didn't trick you,
you offered to help me.
- 1106. You know what's funny? Harris told me.
- 1107. She told me everything, man.
- 1108. She told me that you stole the codes.
- 1109. Let me tell you something about Harris.
You can't trust her.
- 1110. She's already trying to frame me
for my partner's murder!
- 1111. - You killed your partner?
- 1112. I would never do that.
- 1113. The Black Badger killed my partner.
- 1114. Let me explain to you something, dude.
This is what happened.
- 1115. After The Black Badger
stole the satellite encryption codes,
- 1116. my partner Phil and I
tracked him to a penthouse in Kiev.
- 1117. - Hey, Phil.
- 1118. I'll see you on the other side.
- 1119. See you on the other side.
- 1120. All right.
- 1121. God, I love that guy.
- 1122. He knew we were coming,
so he set a trap.
- 1123. Hey, Bob! Bob!
- 1124. No!
- 1125. Phil was my partner,
- 1126. - and I couldn't save him.
- 1127. It was awful, Cal.
- 1128. It was a setup, right from the get-go.
- 1129. Damn, man.
- 1130. The Black Badger was never there.
- 1131. I should've been the one
on that elevator, not Phil.
- 1132. God.
- 1133. Okay. Bob, please...
- 1134. I'm begging you, man.
Can you just let me go home?
- 1135. CJ, I totally understand.
- 1136. But right now,
Agent Harris and her taskforce
- 1137. has that place surveilled up the yin-yang.
- 1138. She's got contract killers looking for us.
- 1139. Your place isn't safe.
- 1140. Oh, my God. Maggie.
- 1141. Maggie! What the hell
am I supposed to do about Maggie?
- 1142. Get down, Jet!
- 1143. Shit! Oh!
- 1144. Look out, Bob!
- 1145. Who the hell is that? Who is that? Bob?
- 1146. Oh, shit.
- 1147. Larry.
- 1148. Thought you retired.
- 1149. I did.
- 1150. But you're worth a lot of money,
Bob, dead or alive.
- 1151. Well, tough luck,
because I've got back up.
- 1152. Ain't that right, Jet?
- 1153. Jet!
- 1154. Hey, baby. I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
- 1155. The stupid Koplin deposition ran long.
- 1156. I'm leaving right now.
I'll meet you at the house.
- 1157. No, no, no! Don't go home!
- 1158. - Don't go home!
- Why? What's going on?
- 1159. Nothing! Nothing.
I'm just running late, too.
- 1160. So I was gonna say
let's just meet at Dr. Dan's office.
- 1161. Yeah. Okay. Ls everything all right?
- 1162. Yeah! Yeah. Why?
- 1163. Everything's fine.
- 1164. Because you kind of sound
like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.
- 1165. What?
- 1166. That's so funny, babe.
That's such a good reference.
- 1167. That's classic Mags right there.
- 1168. So, okay. So you're not
gonna go home, right?
- 1169. Okay, fine. I won't go home.
- 1170. I'll meet you at Dr. Dan's. See you soon.
- 1171. Okay. All right, bye.
- 1172. All right, bye.
- 1173. Get in.
- 1174. I'm gonna
address the elephant in the room.
- 1175. Okay, first of all, you...
- 1176. You guys, I want to say sorry to.
- 1177. Because what you're probably thinking
is not what happened.
- 1178. Accidents!
- 1179. I know you're like,
- 1180. "How can you accidentally
- 1181. "and shoot somebody?"
- 1182. it can happen.
- 1183. Okay? Today is proof
that it can happen. So...
- 1184. I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.
- 1185. Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.
- 1186. Okay, thank you.
- 1187. Trust me, I know a
scared-shitless civilian when I see one.
- 1188. You don't have to convince me.
- 1189. You got him over here. That is me.
- 1190. Right now, I'm not comfortable.
- 1191. Okay, I am scared, okay?
- 1192. I don't have no shit in my system.
- 1193. If I sat down on a toilet,
nothing's coming out.
- 1194. Farts or just air.
- 1195. It'd sound like lasers.
- 1196. Thank you for that description.
- 1197. Mr. Joyner, let me explain something.
- 1198. Bob's last forced psych eval
- 1199. show a person rapidly losing
his grip on reality.
- 1200. Bob became obsessed with a ghost,
- 1201. a figment of his imagination,
- 1202. he started calling "The Black Badger."
- 1203. This obsession led to an instability,
- 1204. first reported by his partner, Phil,
three weeks ago.
- 1205. Just before Phil was killed in the field.
- 1206. Do you know how Phil died?
- 1207. Yeah, Bob told me that
The Black Badger killed him.
- 1208. What?
- 1209. What?
- 1210. Mr. Joyner, Bob Stone is The Black Badger.
- 1211. Phil was Bob's partner of six years.
- 1212. His best friend.
- 1213. - See you on the other side.
- See you on the other side.
- 1214. Hey, Bob!
- 1215. After he stole
the satellite encryption codes
- 1216. Bob betrayed Phil.
- 1217. No!
- 1218. He killed him to cover his tracks.
- 1219. And, after that, Bob went rogue.
- 1220. This is all that's left Of Phil.
- 1221. Um, this is PornHub.
- 1222. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Sorry.
- 1223. There you go.
- 1224. Oh! Oh, God! Oh, I didn't see that coming.
- 1225. Oh, man!
- 1226. - It's a hell of a way to go.
- Okay, wait a minute.
- 1227. Why wouldn't Bob just go sell
the satellite encryption codes himself?
- 1228. Because in a black market
- 1229. the buyer and the seller,
they don't know each other.
- 1230. They need the auction site
to tell them exactly where to meet up
- 1231. and when to make the exchange.
- 1232. The transaction number
from the auction site gives them that,
- 1233. which means Bob still needs you.
- 1234. Which is why we find ourselves
- 1235. in a little catch-and-release scenario.
- 1236. You are the only one Bob trusts.
- 1237. That's why we're putting you in the field.
- 1238. The next time you're with Bob,
- 1239. press this button.
- 1240. We're going to have him cold.
- 1241. Now, go take care of your marriage.
- 1242. One more thing. Don't tell your wife shit.
- 1243. All right.
- 1244. I just don't know
- 1245. I mean, the man that I married,
- 1246. the person I knew in high school,
- 1247. he was filled
with drive and desire. I mean...
- 1248. We used to sneak off every lunch hour
- 1249. and make out under the gym bleachers.
- 1250. Like, that guy, back then,
- 1251. - he wanted things, you know?
- DR. DAN". Hmm.
- 1252. Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find parking.
- 1253. Hi, no, no, it's okay.
We got started without you.
- 1254. Babe, Calvin, this is Dr. Dan.
- 1255. Hello, Calvin.
- 1256. - Oh, shit!
- Oh, jeez. What's the matter?
- 1257. - Holy shit! Get behind me!
- Honey... Calvin, what?
- 1258. It's okay, Maggie. It's okay. Just relax.
- 1259. This is a very common reaction
in the therapeutic process.
- 1260. - It is?
- 1261. It is. It absolutely is.
- 1262. Calvin, this is a very safe place.
Please, sit down.
- 1263. - This is not a safe place!
- No, no, no. Honey, it's a...
- 1264. No, this is most definitely
not a safe place!
- 1265. Me and my wife are leaving. Let's go.
- 1266. No, no, no! You are going to sit down,
- 1267. and we are going to go through
this therapeutic process...
- 1268. files.
- ... together, as a couple.
- 1269. Um... Fine, fine, fine.
- 1270. Sit down. Thank you.
- 1271. Fine.
- 1272. Okay, guys. Why don't we start off
with a little bit of word association?
- 1273. Okay.
- 1274. This is exciting.
- 1275. I've heard this can
really open a couple up.
- 1276. Uh, Maggie, I'm going
to offer you a word,
- 1277. and you respond
however you're moved to from here.
- 1278. Okay.
- 1279. - Black.
- 1280. - Water.
- 1281. - Sunshine.
- 1282. - I'm very impressed, Maggie.
- 1283. You're very in tune.
- 1284. I'm very in tune.
- 1285. Calvin, you're next.
- 1286. I do not want to do this.
- 1287. Relax, Calvin. There are no wrong answers.
- 1288. Up.
- 1289. Down.
- 1290. Mmm.
- 1291. "Mmm." What is that?
- 1292. What're you writing in your book?
- 1293. - It's fine. Don't freak out.
- Nobody's freaking out.
- 1294. I just don't understand
the rules to the game.
- 1295. Freaking out.
- 1296. Let's switch gears for a second, okay?
- 1297. Maggie, during lovemaking,
- 1298. have you ever placed anything
inside of Calvin's anus?
- 1299. What the hell did you just say?
- 1300. Well, yeah, there was this one time.
- 1301. - You remember? Game of Thrones finale.
- What are you talking about?
- 1302. I was Khaleesi, you were Littlefinger...
- 1303. - Okay, all right, stop. That's enough.
- Please, please, please.
- 1304. Why don't we try a simple
- 1305. Calvin, you be Calvin
- 1306. and I will become Maggie.
- 1307. Mmm.
- 1308. I'm confused.
- 1309. It's called "soul gazing."
- 1310. Stare into my soul
and I'll stare into yours.
- 1311. - Maggie, this...
- Hey. Shh.
- 1312. There's no talking, and don't look away.
- 1313. Stare into my soul.
- 1314. You are not my...
- 1315. Shh. There's no talking.
- 1316. Babe, I'm not staring...
- 1317. Me and you.
Stay with me. I'm your wife.
- 1318. You are not my wife.
- 1319. How could you hit your wife?
- 1320. How can I... How can I what?
- 1321. - You hit your wife!
- 1322. - He hit me!
- 1323. - He hit you!
- 1324. You hit us!
- 1325. - I'm swaddling you.
- I know what you're doing.
- 1326. - I'm swaddling you.
- I know what you're...
- 1327. Come here.
- 1328. Oh, my God!
- 1329. You...
- 1330. You know what? We're leaving! Let's go!
- 1331. This is not real.
- 1332. It's real to me.
- 1333. You know what, Calvin?
- 1334. If you can't commit
to working on our marriage,
- 1335. then you need to let me know.
- 1336. Maggie, you...
- 1337. - What!
- Oh, my God!
- 1338. You're... Something's not right.
- 1339. Come on, Jet, listen.
Come on, come on, Jet!
- 1340. Now, I know things got
a little rough there at the end.
- 1341. But the truth is, with all the heat
that you have coming down on you,
- 1342. Maggie is definitely safer without you.
- 1343. And, trust me,
when this whole thing is said and done
- 1344. and you basically
save the entire free world,
- 1345. she's going to forgive you.
It'll all work itself out.
- 1346. It'll all work itself out?
- 1347. Okay, Bob, you know,
I'm sick of playing games with you.
- 1348. Where's the real Dr. Dan?
- 1349. What-what?
- 1350. Oh, my... Dr. Dan,
I had nothing to do with this.
- 1351. He's fine. I'll get you some water
in a little bit.
- 1352. - Thanks, doc.
- You know...
- 1353. That's it. That is it.
- 1354. That is it.
- 1355. All right, Jet.
- 1356. I see that Harris has given you
a button to push.
- 1357. Relax, I would've taken the same deal,
too, if I was in your shoes.
- 1358. Otherwise, she wouldn't
let you out of her sight, right?
- 1359. It makes perfect sense.
- 1360. But you're not going to
press the button, right?
- 1361. You got the top-secret satellite codes?
- 1362. Yes or no?
- 1363. This ain't the time to bullshit me.
- 1364. Okay, my ass is sweating.
- 1365. I'm nervous. Don't bullshit me!
- 1366. Of course not, dude. Hey, hey, come on!
- 1367. Of course I don't have the codes.
- 1368. Why would I go through
all this trouble, then?
- 1369. I need your skill set, Jet, to help me get
- 1370. the bank transaction numbers
to the winning bid.
- 1371. We already know it's going down tonight
- 1372. from the countdown on your computer.
- 1373. Now, all we need is the "where."
- 1374. And the bank transaction numbers
will give us the "where."
- 1375. That's why I need you.
- 1376. Your job gives you access to
- 1377. exactly that kind of information.
- 1378. Then we can get The Badger,
we can get the buyer
- 1379. in one fell swoop.
- 1380. And it'll all be over tonight.
- 1381. Please, I swear.
- 1382. You gotta believe me.
- 1383. Can't you just get us
the transaction number?
- 1384. Not when the money
originates from an offshore account.
- 1385. When that happens,
- 1386. then only a certified international
banking official can access it.
- 1387. But, it shouldn't be a problem.
We just give this guy
- 1388. the offshore account numbers
that you gave me,
- 1389. then he can give us the transaction number
- 1390. without knowing that
he's committing treason when he does it.
- 1391. Sound familiar?
- 1392. Ouch! Low blow, CJ.
- 1393. Hey, besides,
it's only treason if we're wrong.
- 1394. Who's this mystery man?
- 1395. It's Trevor.
- 1396. Trevor.
- 1397. This week
just keeps getting better.
- 1398. You know, I mean,
- 1399. Robbie Wheirdicht and Calvin
"The Golden Jet" Joyner in my office.
- 1400. Who would've thunk it? Not me.
- 1401. This is great, huh?
- 1402. Talk about caterpillar to the butterfly...
- 1403. What is this? P90X?
- 1404. More like "P1,000,000X," huh?
- 1405. Congratulations.
- 1406. Hey, I, um...
- 1407. I really appreciate the help, Trevor.
- 1408. My client's all on me
to get this stuff handled right away.
- 1409. So, you know, if we could...
- 1410. Say no more.
It's my pleasure. I've been there.
- 1411. These international accounts
can be very, very tricky
- 1412. if you don't have the right clearances.
- 1413. You can get a bunch of digital red tape.
- 1414. I'm happy to help, you know?
- 1415. Robbie.
- 1416. You're such a blast from the past, buddy.
- 1417. How long has it been since I saw you?
- 1418. Was it high school?
- 1419. What's that?
- 1420. Um... How we doing
with those account access codes?
- 1421. - Are they coming?
- It's coming.
- 1422. - Everything's good?
- It's coming.
- 1423. I'm going as fast as I can. I know
you guys are in a rush. I'm so sorry.
- 1424. Anything for a couple of fellow Centaurs.
- 1425. Speaking of which, you guys are going
to the reunion tonight, right?
- 1426. No, I don't think so.
- 1427. You're both going.
- 1428. Here it is.
Here's your transaction number.
- 1429. You're both going
because you want to know what?
- 1430. Stinky Pete's going to be there.
- 1431. And Jimmy Longballs called me.
He's going to be hanging.
- 1432. Carlos Nagasaki, the Mexican eggroll.
He's going to be there.
- 1433. You guys will be missing out on a big one.
- 1434. Plus you know what they're going to do?
- 1435. They're going to vote on
homecoming king and queen again.
- 1436. Maybe you and Maggie
can make it two for two.
- 1437. Now, before you go,
stay seated one second.
- 1438. Give me two minutes, sit down.
- 1439. Men,
- 1440. a few years ago...
- 1441. I found the Lord Almighty.
- 1442. And, ever since then,
- 1443. my life has been
completely different. Okay?
- 1444. He's got a plan for
each and every one of us
- 1445. and, in his infinite wisdom,
- 1446. he makes no mistakes. Hmm?
- 1447. You're right about that.
- 1448. I think the Lord put you here because
- 1449. he wants me to get something off my chest.
- 1450. He wants me to clear my conscience
- 1451. and he wants me to ask for forgiveness.
- 1452. Robert.
- 1453. What I did to you
at that rally in senior year
- 1454. was a cowardly act.
- 1455. It's something that
I've regretted every single day.
- 1456. Yeah. I mean,
bullying is a national crisis.
- 1457. It can leave people
with a lifetime of pain.
- 1458. And I just have no excuse
for what I did to you.
- 1459. I mean, I did grow up in a house
with a father who was physical,
- 1460. but that doesn't give me
the right to take it out on somebody
- 1461. who at the time
was weaker, you know? So...
- 1462. Calvin, with this particular
- 1463. I not only embarrassed him
but I also ruined your final speech.
- 1464. - No, no.
- Yes, I did.
- 1465. - It's okay. No, it's okay.
- No, really, I stole your thunder.
- 1466. And it's another thing that
I've had to live with every single day.
- 1467. And I work through it
in individual therapy as well as group,
- 1468. and I pray about it.
- 1469. So...
- 1470. I just want to say how truly sorry I am
- 1471. for what happened, you know.
- 1472. Or for what I did.
- 1473. It didn't just happen. I did it.
- 1474. I did it, and I wish to God
that I had not done it.
- 1475. So, I'm hoping that
you can find it in your heart
- 1476. to forgive me.
- 1477. I wasn't expecting this at all.
- 1478. Don't I know it. I know it.
- 1479. I'm just so happy.
- 1480. I don't know what to say.
- 1481. How about you say...
- 1482. "The Oscar goes to Trevor Olson."
- 1483. What do you mean?
- 1484. Weird Dick!
- 1485. You stupid ass!
- 1486. Good God, you're dumb!
- 1487. Dumber than ever, I guess!
- 1488. And you, too, Calvin!
- 1489. Look at that stupid look
on those two faces.
- 1490. "The Lord taught me to care."
- 1491. I'm a Scientologist. Okay, that's "A."
- 1492. And thetan-free since 2003.
- 1493. Clear as shit.
- 1494. And "I'm sorry for what I did"?
- 1495. Let me tell you what I'm sorry about.
- 1496. I'm sorry I didn't toss your naked ass
out there three more times.
- 1497. It was the best senior prank ever.
- 1498. I still get emails about it.
- 1499. And if I'd had
one of these bad boys back then,
- 1500. I would have shot it, uploaded it,
- 1501. and it would have gone crazy viral,
a zillion hits.
- 1502. Know what?
- 1503. You're going to regret
you ever opened your mouth.
- 1504. - You hear me, Trevor?
- Yeah? How come, Calvin?
- 1505. Because he's about to
whoop your ass, that's why.
- 1506. Who is?
- 1507. Bob, get up and whoop his ass.
- 1508. Here she comes!
Let me tell you something...
- 1509. Weird Dick can't chug
a bunch of fucking steroids and elk urine
- 1510. and suddenly be able to kick my ass.
- 1511. Fuck that! it ain't gonna happen.
- 1512. 'Cause here's why.
- 1513. Once a fat kid, always a fat kid.
- 1514. Huh? Prove me wrong.
- 1515. Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.
- 1516. Come on, hit me!
- 1517. And I'll sue your ass,
and take your fanny pack away.
- 1518. You got to make poopies?
- 1519. What's wrong, Bob?
- 1520. We got a john here.
- 1521. Or you got to change your rag?
- 1522. Maybe that's it.
- 1523. Jenny, you got an extra rag?
- 1524. - What's the matter with you?
- I just want to go.
- 1525. She wants to go.
- 1526. Go ahead. There you go.
- 1527. No, it's a push.
- 1528. Boy, 50-50 shot. You missed that.
- 1529. At least you found the handle.
- 1530. Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.
- 1531. You know, you're still an asshole.
- 1532. Yeah, well, you're still
shorter than my cat.
- 1533. Here's your transaction number.
- 1534. Hit it, dick licker.
- 1535. - Thank you, Trevor.
- 1536. Glad to see you haven't changed a bit.
- 1537. Bye-bye now.
- 1538. - Was it push or pull?
- Clean push.
- 1539. - Which one is it?
- You want me to do it for you?
- 1540. Which one is it?
- 1541. Hey, hey, hey! Goddamn it, Joyner!
- 1542. Jenny!
- 1543. Jenny, get the Windex!
And security for this one.
- 1544. Get your asshole off my door! That's it!
- 1545. Bob! Bob!
- 1546. Bob! Bob! Bob!
- 1547. Mr. Joyner. Guess who
we're about to arrest
- 1548. for conspiracy to commit treason.
- 1549. That's right. Your lovely wife.
- 1550. So, here's what you're going to do.
- 1551. You're going to tell us
exactly where you and Bob are.
- 1552. Then you're going to go outside
and you're going to keep Bob on-site
- 1553. until we arrive.
- 1554. And if he leaves, you lose.
- 1555. Is that clear?
- 1556. Oh, hey.
- 1557. I don't know what happened in there,
- 1558. and I just froze up.
- 1559. I locked up. I'm sorry.
- 1560. Look, Bob, I...
- 1561. No, I gotta tell you something,
- 1562. You're the only one
who's ever been nice to me,
- 1563. the only one who's never laughed at me.
- 1564. And you're the only one
in this whole world that I trust.
- 1565. And I know you have a lot of friends,
- 1566. but I don't.
- 1567. You're my only friend, Calvin.
- 1568. And I will never
let you down again, I promise.
- 1569. I'm sorry, man.
- 1570. Sorry for what?
- 1571. I told Harris where we are.
- 1572. They were going to hurt Maggie.
- 1573. I had to. I didn't have a choice.
- 1574. I'm sorry.
- 1575. Freeze, Bob! Hands on your head!
- 1576. Do it now!
- 1577. I know you know how this goes,
- 1578. so I'll spare you the dramatics.
- 1579. I'll ask you just once.
- 1580. Where are the satellite encryption codes?
- 1581. Aw. What's the matter, Bob?
- 1582. Are you upset that
your friend turned you in?
- 1583. I don't have any friends.
- 1584. Okay, I don't want to watch this, guys.
- 1585. Don't worry, it'll be over quick.
- 1586. She always gets them to break.
- 1587. Okay. You have it your way.
- 1588. We're going to do this old-school.
- 1589. Get the extraction tools.
- 1590. The extraction tools?
- 1591. If you don't have the stomach for it,
you can go.
- 1592. Come on.
- 1593. Stop recording.
- 1594. Why am I coming here?
I was told I'd be able to leave.
- 1595. You can leave,
- 1596. when Agent Harris says you can leave,
- 1597. which might be never.
- 1598. I gotta watch this.
- 1599. I'm sorry, Bob.
- 1600. I'm sorry, man.
- 1601. Oh, Jesus!
- 1602. What the hell?
- 1603. Hey! Hey!
- 1604. Don't move!
- 1605. You get your hands off!
Get them off the keyboard!
- 1606. - What are you doing, Calvin?
- Give me your keycard!
- 1607. Give me your keycard!
- 1608. Give it to me.
- 1609. - Okay...
- Go sit down.
- 1610. Okay. Yeah.
- 1611. Sorry. I'm sorry.
- 1612. - Sit down! Sit down!
- Okay, okay, okay.
- 1613. You know, Bob?
- 1614. This is actually
my favorite part of the job.
- 1615. Thank you for being so uncooperative.
- 1616. What do you think
your little buddy, Joyner,
- 1617. would say if he could see you like this?
- 1618. Two words.
- 1619. I'm in.
- 1620. What-what?
- 1621. You're making a big mistake, Mr. Joyner.
- 1622. That's only if I'm wrong.
- 1623. Come on, Bob. Let's go!
- 1624. What're you doing? Come on, man!
- 1625. Okay, listen to me. Bob, I'm sorry.
- 1626. I'm sorry I double-crossed you.
You hear me?
- 1627. I should've believed you,
I should've trusted you, and I didn't.
- 1628. I'm sorry for that.
- 1629. Listen to me. Bob,
we don't have time for this, man!
- 1630. I need you to tap into
that super-spy stuff
- 1631. and I need you to get us the hell
out of here right now. Do you hear me?
- 1632. I'm not a super spy, Calvin.
- 1633. I'm Robbie Wheirdicht, super tool.
- 1634. No, stop. You're not a super tool.
- 1635. You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht.
You're Bob Stone!
- 1636. - I made that name up.
- So what?
- 1637. - It's not real.
- What does that mean? What does that mean?
- 1638. You think Mr. T and Sting
were born with those names?
- 1639. How do you think I got
the name "Golden Jet" at high school?
- 1640. - 'Cause you're awesome.
- No, that's not how.
- 1641. In the eighth grade, I ran track.
It was my first race.
- 1642. Okay, the race came down
to me and this other kid.
- 1643. I wanted to win the race so damn bad
- 1644. that I ended up peeing in my pants
at the finish line.
- 1645. That's how I got the name "Golden Jet."
- 1646. So, take it from a guy who's literally
pissed his pants in front of everybody
- 1647. just to win a race.
- 1648. You are who you decide to be.
- 1649. And you chose to be
an international CIA spy.
- 1650. Come on, man.
You get to kill people for a living.
- 1651. How cool is that?
- 1652. I don't know.
- 1653. Kinda cool I guess.
- 1654. What do you mean "kinda cool"?
Ain't no kinda cool.
- 1655. Stop it! It's awesome.
- 1656. Now, come on, man. We boys?
- 1657. - We're boys.
- 1658. Sorry, Jet.
- 1659. Oh, God!
- 1660. Oh, God!
- 1661. See? Good as new.
- 1662. Wow. Sorry, man.
- 1663. Go, go!
- 1664. Get me out!
- 1665. He got the jump on us. Give me the key.
- 1666. Look out, Bob!
- 1667. Here, Jet! Get him!
- 1668. Watch out!
- 1669. Did you see that, Bob?
- 1670. I did the thing! I did the thing, Bob!
- 1671. Yeah!
- 1672. Yeah! Yeah!
- 1673. - Come on! Follow me!
- Let's do it!
- 1674. No! What the fuck am I doing?
Here! You get the gun.
- 1675. - I'm behind you. Go.
- All right.
- 1676. Oh, my God. There's two of them.
- 1677. Yeah, I'll distract them
and you open the door, okay?
- 1678. - What? No!
- Let's roll.
- 1679. No, no.
- 1680. Go, go!
- 1681. - Close in!
- Moving out!
- 1682. - Freeze, Bob!
- Sorry about this, guys.
- 1683. Nope, come here.
- 1684. Come on.
- 1685. Wrong keycard, pal. Turn around.
- 1686. You needed this one.
- 1687. On the ground, now.
- 1688. Can I say something first?
- 1689. - What?
- This is going to hurt.
- 1690. - Hey, get the keycard! Let's roll.
- All right, all right.
- 1691. Which car are we taking?
- 1692. Not that one.
- 1693. Oh, my God.
- 1694. Oh, God. Oh, sh...
- 1695. Oh.
- 1696. Here we go, Jet.
- 1697. - Bob, they are shooting at us!
- It's okay, it's bulletproof.
- 1698. Drive, drive!
- 1699. Here you go, Jet.
- 1700. What's this?
- 1701. Bug-out bag, courtesy of the CIA.
- 1702. Go ahead and grab that
encrypted phone in there.
- 1703. For what?
- 1704. You still have the bank transaction code?
- 1705. How are transaction numbers gonna help us
find out where the bad guys are?
- 1706. Well, it's not bank transaction
numbers or codes, it's actually...
- 1707. Longitude and latitude.
- 1708. Look at the spy brain
on the Jet! What-what!
- 1709. You're like a chocolate
- 1710. Bob, don't do that. Stop it. Stop it.
- 1711. You're getting good at this, man.
- 1712. Yeah, you're absolutely right.
It's longitude and latitude.
- 1713. All you gotta do is plug those
digits into the GPS, and boom!
- 1714. We're gonna catch the buyer
and The Badger, just like that.
- 1715. Boston.
- 1716. We're gonna need a plane.
- 1717. You ever steal a plane before?
- 1718. - I stole some Starbursts one time.
- 1719. So I don't know
if that compares or anything,
- 1720. but I wasn't successful with that.
- 1721. On the way out, I dropped 'em.
- 1722. Dropped the whole bag. The guy caught me.
- 1723. "What's that?" I just said, "A Starburst."
- 1724. Told him myself. It was a mess.
- 1725. Check it out. The universe provides.
- 1726. Oh.
- 1727. Golden Jet.
- 1728. - Golden Jet.
- Golden Jet.
- 1729. - It's just one guard in there.
- All right.
- 1730. 90% of spy work is distraction.
- 1731. You get in there and distract that guard,
- 1732. I'm gonna get us a plane.
- 1733. What?
- 1734. I don't know what the hell you expect...
- 1735. Bob!
- 1736. Bob!
- 1737. Fuck!
- 1738. Fuck you, Bob!
- 1739. Damn it!
- 1740. Hey, I need a plane.
- 1741. Sir, you cannot be in here.
This is a private airfield.
- 1742. I understand that but I have an organ
in this cooler right now
- 1743. that needs to get transported ASAP.
- 1744. Really?
- 1745. Because my sister-in-law
had a heart transplant last year
- 1746. and they did not bring it
in a Playmate lunch cooler.
- 1747. I hate to break it to you,
- 1748. but this is not a...
- 1749. - This is not a heart.
- It's not a heart?
- 1750. No, it's not.
- 1751. Hmm. What is it then?
- 1752. - It's a dick.
- 1753. I am made of questions right now.
- 1754. Well, you don't have to ask.
- 1755. Last night, lady got into it with a man.
- 1756. She ended up cutting his pecker off.
- 1757. She left with it, got in a car, drove,
- 1758. got on 95, threw it out the window.
- 1759. The second largest penis hunt
in the state history.
- 1760. The man was Korean, so you better believe
- 1761. it took a long time to find.
- 1762. You're stereotyping Korean dicks.
- 1763. That's racist.
- 1764. I've seen Korean dicks bigger than you.
- 1765. Okay, after finding it,
the guy brought it to me,
- 1766. and he said, "Do your due diligence in
getting this dick where it's got to go."
- 1767. That's what I do.
- 1768. I'm a dick deliverer specialist.
- 1769. Oh, DDS?
- 1770. Like a dentist but for dicks.
- 1771. Uh...
- 1772. So, people are like,
"Here's a dick. Find a plane."
- 1773. That's how you do it?
You're like an Uber for dicks?
- 1774. Where do you get these jobs?
- 1775. Okay, sir, we don't need
to demean each other here.
- 1776. I don't believe a word you're saying.
- 1777. Let me see it.
- 1778. I have no problem showing you this.
- 1779. So if you wanna see it
then get ready to see.
- 1780. - Here I go.
- Go for it.
- 1781. Oh, shit! on, shit.
- 1782. I'm just kidding. This is my friend.
- 1783. - Oh!
- It's my buddy.
- 1784. His name's Snake Gyllenhaal.
- 1785. - He guards my lunch.
- Okay, that's enough.
- 1786. It's gotta be Harris, right?
- 1787. What do you mean?
- 1788. I mean, she's gotta be The Black Badger.
- 1789. It's the only thing that makes sense.
- 1790. I mean, she's had access
to the encryption codes
- 1791. and she's so hot and bothered about
pinning this whole thing on you.
- 1792. It's gotta be her!
- 1793. I don't know, Jet.
- 1794. I'm pretty sure she thinks
I'm The Black Badger.
- 1795. She worked me over pretty good
in that interrogation room.
- 1796. Hold on, wait, wait... What's going on?
- 1797. What's that?
What's going on right now, Bob?
- 1798. No biggie. We're completely outta gas.
- 1799. Oh, my... on!
- 1800. We're going down, Jet!
There's nothing I can do!
- 1801. - Oh, shit!
- Really quickly...
- 1802. What's the one thing
you wish you'd done in your life?
- 1803. The one thing I wish I hadn't done
is not get in a plane with a guy
- 1804. who didn't check the goddamned fuel!
- 1805. - Why wouldn't you check the fuel?
- No, something that's real.
- 1806. What's the one thing
you regret not doing for you?
- 1807. Oh, my God! I think we're gonna die!
- 1808. Not having a kid, man!
- 1809. Not being a father!
- 1810. I regret not being a father!
- 1811. Maggie, I should've gave you a kid!
- 1812. I should've gave you my seed, Maggie!
- 1813. I should've!
- 1814. I'm so selfish!
- 1815. I'm sorry, Maggie!
- 1816. - That wasn't so hard, right?
- 1817. Hey, just for the record,
- 1818. I think you'd make a great dad.
- 1819. Did you just fake this whole thing?
- 1820. Yeah, kinda.
- 1821. You gotta be shitting me glory!
- 1822. No, not at all.
- 1823. I just thought that maybe a
- 1824. might help motivate you
to clarify some of your goals in life.
- 1825. And, hey, between me and you,
- 1826. I know you've been struggling
a little bit.
- 1827. You know what I'm struggling with
right now, Bob?
- 1828. Not whooping your ass.
- 1829. Okay, Jet.
Hey, you're really cute when you cry.
- 1830. Stop it! Enough!
- 1831. I don't get it.
- 1832. I mean, if these coordinates are correct,
- 1833. we should be standing right on top of it.
- 1834. The deal doesn't go down
for another 30 minutes, Jet,
- 1835. - so we're kinda early.
- 1836. Why would you do it
out in the open like this?
- 1837. Why would you take that risk?
- 1838. Just doesn't make any sense, man.
- 1839. Shit! Come on.
- 1840. Wait.
- 1841. Oh, wait.
It's not happening up here.
- 1842. No, it's not. It's...
- 1843. Oh, it's happening beneath us. Look.
- 1844. It's an underground parking garage.
- 1845. Yeah, that's a good eye, Jet.
- 1846. Why don't you stay up here?
- 1847. I'll go down there and check things out.
- 1848. Wait, what? No, I'm going with you.
- 1849. You can't go with me.
The smarter play is if we split up.
- 1850. Smarter play for who?
- 1851. Do you know what happens
when people split up, Bob?
- 1852. Somebody dies!
- 1853. I'd be the one to die. You know why?
- 1854. Because I don't have a bulletproof vest
and I don't have a gun!
- 1855. Which means that you
are my bulletproof vest!
- 1856. My little black ass is gonna stay
behind you, you're not leaving me!
- 1857. That's exactly why
you should stay up here.
- 1858. Look, if you went down
in that garage and you got shot to death,
- 1859. you know how hurt I would be?
- 1860. I'd be super bummed out!
I don't want that.
- 1861. It's safer for you up here.
- 1862. If something happened up here,
what am I supposed to do, Bob?
- 1863. How do I get your attention?
Make a bird call?
- 1864. Does that sound like a bird to you? Huh?
- 1865. That's my biggest weakness!
I can't make bird noises.
- 1866. I never could.
- 1867. So if that's what
I gotta depend on to live,
- 1868. it means I'm gonna die!
I'mma die up here, by myself
- 1869. sounding like a dead-ass pigeon.
- 1870. - I have no idea what a pigeon...
- Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet, Jet!
- 1871. You don't have to make bird noises.
- 1872. You don't have to sound like a pigeon.
- 1873. All you gotta do
is call me on the encrypted phone
- 1874. that's in your hand.
- 1875. - Okay?
- Okay, Yeah.
- 1876. - I'll be right back.
- 1877. All right?
- 1878. Oh, Jet.
- 1879. I'll see you on the other side.
- 1880. Yeah.
- 1881. Yeah.
- 1882. You're early.
- 1883. So are you.
- 1884. Come on.
- 1885. Oh, my God!
- 1886. Oh, my God.
- 1887. I knew it.
- 1888. I knew it. I knew
she was The Black Badger!
- 1889. Oh, my God!
- 1890. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.
- 1891. Yello?
- 1892. Bob, Harris is The Black Badger!
- 1893. Hello?
- 1894. Harris is The Black Badger!
- 1895. I can't hear you.
- 1896. Harris is The Black Badger!
- 1897. Just kidding! I'm not here.
Leave a message at the beep.
- 1898. What?
- 1899. Oh. Harris is
The Black Badger!
- 1900. Harris is The Black Badger!
- 1901. I knew it. I knew it.
Harris is The Black Badger!
- 1902. Bob! Harris is The...
- 1903. Who is he?
- 1904. That's my partner.
- 1905. I don't like splitting my fees.
- 1906. The package. Please.
- 1907. Thought you'd never ask.
- 1908. Wait! You're making a mistake.
- 1909. Hello, Bob.
- 1910. But you're dead.
- 1911. Not as much as people think.
- 1912. Look, he's not The Black Badger...
- 1913. lam.
- 1914. And those aren't the encryption codes,
- 1915. these are.
- 1916. He's lying to you.
- 1917. This man is a CIA agent,
- 1918. and he's trying to sell you bogus plans.
- 1919. Damn.
- 1920. Ow, ow.
- 1921. He shot me.
- 1922. These are the real codes
- 1923. and I am the real Black Badger.
- 1924. Bob is The Black Badger.
- 1925. Bob is The Black Badger.
- 1926. I am The Black Badger.
- 1927. Phil?
- 1928. No, I'm The Black Badger.
- 1929. I'm starting to think
I might be The Black Badger.
- 1930. Here's the thing.
- 1931. I have no idea
who is the real Black Badger.
- 1932. And I don't care.
- 1933. 'Cause I'm The Honey Badger.
- 1934. And The Honey Badger doesn't give a shit.
- 1935. The Honey Badger's nasty.
- 1936. He's so nasty, he'll take them both.
- 1937. Hand them over.
- 1938. Phil, when this thing is over,
- 1939. I'm going to rip your throat out
like Patrick Swayze in Road House.
- 1940. Oh, my God. You and Road House.
- 1941. Get over that movie.
- 1942. It sucked then, it sucks now.
- 1943. Fuck Patrick Swayze!
- 1944. How dare you!
- 1945. Drop your weapons!
- 1946. Oh! Oh, shit!
- 1947. The codes.
- 1948. Don't do it.
- 1949. Stupid.
- 1950. Okay.
- 1951. One,
- 1952. two,
- 1953. three! Shit!
- 1954. Uh-Oh! Oh!
- 1955. No!
- 1956. He's got the codes!
- 1957. Whoo!
- 1958. I mean, this is crazy, right?
- 1959. You stay the hell away from me, Bob!
- 1960. You shot me in the neck!
- 1961. Jet!
- 1962. Okay.
- 1963. Golden Jet for the win!
- 1964. No. Shit!
- 1965. Drop your weapon, Bob.
- 1966. Oh, shit!
- 1967. Get behind me, Mr. Joyner.
- 1968. Ah, you don't wanna do that, Jet.
- 1969. It's obvious he's the bad guy.
- 1970. I'm the good guy. You wanna get behind me.
- 1971. Agent Harris had me go dark
- 1972. to get Bob to reveal himself
as The Black Badger.
- 1973. You don't seriously
believe this guy, do you?
- 1974. You wanna get behind me, Jet.
- 1975. You betrayed your nation, Bob.
- 1976. You betrayed your partner, Phil.
- 1977. Okay, no, wait! Everybody just stop!
- 1978. Cut the shit!
- 1979. I'mma cut the line right now!
- 1980. I cut the shit!
- 1981. Hear me? Now I don't care
who betrayed who.
- 1982. Okay? I just don't wanna get hurt!
- 1983. So there ain't gonna be no... Shit!
- 1984. Come on.
- 1985. Shi...
- 1986. Shit.
- 1987. Smart move, Mr. Joyner.
- 1988. You've done your country a great service.
- 1989. Now, hand me the firearm
- 1990. and we'll turn over
the satellite codes together.
- 1991. Stay right there, man.
Don't you take another step.
- 1992. Just because I shot him
does not mean I trust you.
- 1993. We don't have time for this.
- 1994. Stop! I said, "Stop."
- 1995. Aw, whoopsie.
- 1996. Nice throw, bitch.
- 1997. You wanna know why your pal Bob
could never have been The Black Badger?
- 1998. It's because he's too weak.
- 1999. And if I had to hear
another goddamned story
- 2000. about Calvin "The Golden Jet" Joyner
- 2001. and how awesome you were in high school
- 2002. and how you were
this big idiot's best friend,
- 2003. I was just gonna lose it.
- 2004. Looking at you right now,
you don't seem so cool.
- 2005. You just seem like a regular guy.
- 2006. An everyday Joe.
- 2007. You know, faking my own death
was the easy part.
- 2008. But dealing with Bob, day after day,
was the hard part.
- 2009. Hey, Phil.
- 2010. What, Bob?
- 2011. I'll see you on the other side.
- 2012. No, I hope we don't. All right?
- 2013. Just, no. Bye, bye, bye.
- 2014. Just go.
- 2015. I made up the Black Badger,
rigged up a blood bag
- 2016. and that big dummy bought it.
- 2017. Bob!
- 2018. No, no! Hang on, buddy.
- 2019. No, there's some sort of bomb in here.
- 2020. You're pushing it closed, I think.
- 2021. - No, no, no. Sorry.
- No, don't give up!
- 2022. Bye, Bob.
- 2023. I'm getting away with
a half a billion dollars.
- 2024. And Boy Scout Bob is gonna
spend his life in prison.
- 2025. Ain't America great?
- 2026. So now you're gonna be
the second partner of Bob's to die.
- 2027. Just relax.
- 2028. On your knees, Golden Jet.
- 2029. What the hell was that?
- 2030. Golden Jet flip.
- 2031. Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.
- 2032. I know.
- 2033. Then Why'd you do it?
- 2034. Distraction.
- 2035. Oh, you just pulled his throat out!
- 2036. I'll see you on the other side.
- 2037. Jet, come here.
Give me your hand, old buddy.
- 2038. Oh, shit! Get that away from me!
- 2039. Sorry, Jet.
- 2040. - Come here, Jet.
- That was a trachea.
- 2041. Great distraction, man!
- 2042. Sorry I had to shoot you, Jet.
- 2043. It was the only way
I could save your life.
- 2044. But when you shot me
to get Phil to confess
- 2045. that he was The Black Badger,
- 2046. that was some next-level-type shit!
- 2047. Yeah, no.
I'm glad you see it the way I saw it.
- 2048. That was my plan the whole time. So...
- 2049. You are a natural for this line of work.
- 2050. I mean, you're smart,
you got the skill set,
- 2051. you're a people person
- 2052. and you already got a dope-ass code name,
"The Golden Jet!" What?
- 2053. But in the meantime,
we gotta get those encryption codes
- 2054. over to Harris right away
or we're gonna be late.
- 2055. What are you talking about? Late for what?
- 2056. The reunion, dude. What-what!
This shit's on!
- 2057. Bob. Damn it.
- 2058. Bob!
- 2059. One more thing.
- 2060. Thanks for securing the satellite codes.
- 2061. You really saved my ass.
- 2062. Your country thanks you.
- 2063. Just doing my job.
- 2064. I'm really sorry about your hand.
I hope you know that wasn't personal.
- 2065. Oh, no hard feelings at all, Pam.
- 2066. Besides, everybody makes mistakes.
- 2067. Calvin, here, thought
you were The Black Badger.
- 2068. I don't... No, I don't think...
- 2069. When we were in the plane,
you said, "Hey, Harris is the Black..."
- 2070. I think you should... Maybe I...
- 2071. Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure
working with you.
- 2072. If you ever want a career change,
you give me a call.
- 2073. If I were to give you a call,
how would I get in touch with you?
- 2074. Just pick up any phone in your house.
- 2075. They're all bugged.
- 2076. You're crazy. Hey, you're crazy!
- 2077. That's a good one.
- 2078. Calvin! I got your text
and came right over.
- 2079. Where the hell have you been?
Why did you get out of a helicopter?
- 2080. ', Uh, Maggie.
- 2081. Uh, hi!
- 2082. Babe, why is Dr. Dan with you?
- 2083. Well... Uh...
- 2084. That's not Dr. Dan.
- 2085. Allow me to properly introduce myself.
- 2086. My name is Bob Stone,
- 2087. the artist formerly known as
- 2088. I work for the CIA.
- 2089. I roped your husband
into helping me track down a traitor,
- 2090. who was gonna sell
military state secrets to a terrorist.
- 2091. We did all that, we stopped them,
- 2092. we saved the free world, and here we are.
- 2093. What the hell is going on?
- 2094. Okay, listen, listen.
- 2095. I've been a fool. All right?
- 2096. I thought that my life was a failure.
- 2097. I thought that it wasn't special.
But it is special.
- 2098. It's special because I have you in it.
- 2099. You are my world.
You are what makes me special!
- 2100. You're everything to me, Mags.
- 2101. I love you.
- 2102. I love you.
- 2103. Okay.
- 2104. Here come the waterworks.
- 2105. I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
- 2106. - Come on, come on.
- 2107. - That's Robbie Wheirdicht?
- 2108. - Hi, Brian.
- Hi, Gail.
- 2109. Guys, this isn't a good idea.
You know what?
- 2110. I'll just meet you later.
I shouldn't have come.
- 2111. Wait, wait, wait.
- 2112. Bob, calm down, okay? Listen to me.
- 2113. Tonight is not gonna be
how high school was for you 20 years ago.
- 2114. I promise.
- 2115. Attention, por favor.
- 2116. And now,
- 2117. for the moment
you've all been waiting for,
- 2118. tonight's vote for the reunion
homecoming king and queen!
- 2119. We'll announce the queen in one moment.
- 2120. But first, without further ado...
- 2121. The new homecoming king
- 2122. for the Central High School Centaurs,
Class of 1996 is...
- 2123. I really gotta pee, Jet.
- 2124. Bob Stone!
- 2125. Do we have a Bob Stone?
- 2126. Here he is, Bob Stone, huh!
- 2127. Yeah!
- 2128. Go on, get your rock-hard ass up there.
- 2129. For reals?
- 2130. For reals, for reals. Go ahead, man.
- 2131. Whoo!
- 2132. You did it, big guy!
- 2133. How did Bob Stone win homecoming king?
- 2134. I hacked into the votes on the flight in.
- 2135. Calvin Joyner, forensic accountant,
at your service.
- 2136. I had no idea you could do that.
- 2137. There's a lot of things
that you don't know about me, Maggie.
- 2138. No, scratch that I said that.
- 2139. It was supposed to
come out cool. It didn't.
- 2140. It was something I thought of,
it was like a...
- 2141. Forget it.
- 2142. Well, well, let's hear it for him!
- 2143. Fat Robbie made good.
- 2144. King Robbie Weird Dick, our naked mascot.
- 2145. Why don't you just
get out of the way, Trevor?
- 2146. Or what, Golden Jet?
- 2147. You're gonna hop up here
and punch me in the belt?
- 2148. Simmer down, Ant-Man.
- 2149. - You know what? That's it. That's it.
- It's okay.
- 2150. - It's all right.
- No, I've had it!
- 2151. - I got it, Jet. It's okay.
- It's okay.
- 2152. I'll handle it.
- 2153. Whoa, whoa! Hang on. I'm not buying
this whole transformation
- 2154. from ugly duckling into swan.
- 2155. No one in here is.
- 2156. You can fly in, in a bunch of helicopters
and dress up in a thousand suits,
- 2157. but to everybody, including me,
you'll always just be the fat kid.
- 2158. I've been thinking
about this a lot, Trevor.
- 2159. And the only thing I want to say to you
- 2160. is I forgive you.
- 2161. You forgive me! Oh, boy! For what?
- 2162. For being rad as shit.
- 2163. Fuck you, fat boy.
- 2164. Still a scared little bitch.
- 2165. I don't like bullies.
- 2166. And the name is Bob Stone, bitch!
- 2167. Whoa-whom.!
- 2168. Come on, baby. Step over.
- 2169. Hi, everybody!
- 2170. Most of you knew me back in high school as
- 2171. Robbie Wheirdicht.
- 2172. - That's Robbie Wheirdicht?
- No way!
- 2173. I wore prescription pants every day.
- 2174. Twenty years ago, in this gym,
- 2175. I stood in front of you all
- 2176. naked
- 2177. and embarrassed.
- 2178. Some of you might remember that day.
- 2179. A lot of you probably even laughed.
- 2180. But that's okay.
- 2181. Tonight's gonna be different because
- 2182. my best friend is here with me.
- 2183. And he taught me what it means
to be the hero of your own story.
- 2184. Would you hold this for me, please?
- 2185. Being the hero of your own story
- 2186. isn't about stopping bad guys
or climbing mountains.
- 2187. It's about overcoming bullies
in your life,
- 2188. whatever or whomever they may be.
- 2189. It's about putting it all out there
- 2190. for everyone
- 2191. to see.
- 2192. And it's realizing that, in life,
- 2193. the most important thing that you can be
- 2194. is yourself.
- 2195. So, Central High, Class of 1996,
- 2196. this is me, Robbie Wheirdicht.
- 2197. Oh, my God! Bob just went commando!
- 2198. Yes! Yes!
- 2199. Way to go, Bob!
- 2200. Be you!
- 2201. Robbie!
- 2202. Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!
- 2203. 'Hey, man!
- 2204. Dude, this is amazing!
I'm so happy for you!
- 2205. Thank you, Jet! I feel so free!
- 2206. - Come here.
- No, no, no.
- 2207. Your 'gunk "vs out.
- 2208. - Oh. Sorry, Jet.
- Excuse me.
- 2209. Hi, Robbie.
- 2210. - You probably don't remember me.
- 2211. - Is that Darla McGuckian?
- 2212. Wow! She looks great!
- 2213. Didn't she used to have a lazy eye?
- 2214. - Two of them.
- 2215. I can't believe you remember me.
- 2216. Remember you?
- 2217. How could I forget you?
- 2218. You still have the same sweet smile,
the same sweet face.
- 2219. But your hair's changed.
You used to wear it curlier.
- 2220. I like it though.
- 2221. You haven't changed at all.
- 2222. Oh, I don't know.
- 2223. You're still as beautiful as ever.
- 2224. Oh.
- 2225. - Yeah, Bob!
- Go, Bob!
- 2226. No, no, no.
- 2227. Oh, I got Spinny-
- 2228. Super spinny.
- 2229. Yeah, that's nice.
- 2230. - Can I take you to get ice-cream...
- 2231. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
- 2232. Super lactose intolerant, but that's okay.
Let's roll the dice.
- 2233. That's my jam!
- 2234. Go show them what you got.
- 2235. - All right, Darla.
- 2236. Darla, hi. Calvin.
- 2237. Hi, Colin. Nice to meet you.
- 2238. - Calvin.
- And Maggie.
- 2239. Maggie, hi!
- 2240. Hi. You look so good.
- 2241. - My gosh, you look the same.
- You do too.
- 2242. Oh, I don't know.
- 2243. You probably remember me
as The Golden Jet.
- 2244. Your name's Golden Jeff? Hi, Jeff.
- 2245. It's okay. Good to see you.
- 2246. - Good going, Bob!
- Come on, Bob!
- 2247. - All right.
- Good luck!
- 2248. - Love you.
- I love you.
- 2249. I love you, too, little Golden Jet!
- 2250. Mmm...
- 2251. Okay. Uh...
- 2252. How long do you think he's been there?
- 2253. Hmm, probably since last night.
- 2254. All right, babe, I'll see you later.
- 2255. Have fun with your friend!
- 2256. Who, me?
- 2257. Yes, you.
- 2258. Wow, Jet!
- 2259. You look amazing!
- 2260. - Do you think?
- Oh, what? Yes!
- 2261. I just didn't know
the kind of look to go for
- 2262. on my first day at the agency.
- 2263. You look like a black Will Smith,
- 2264. Okay, I'm not sure
if that's racist or not,
- 2265. but I'll take it as a compliment.
- 2266. All right, cool. Yeah, come on!
- 2267. Okay.
- 2268. All right. Don't be nervous.
- 2269. You are gonna do great.
They're gonna love you!
- 2270. Oh, Jet, Jet, Jet!
- 2271. Um, before we go, man, uh...
- 2272. I got a surprise for you.
- 2273. Okay. What's the surprise?
- 2274. Well, you gotta close your eyes first.
- 2275. Eyes are closed.
- 2276. No peeking.
- 2277. Open your eyes.
- 2278. Is that my... Is that my jacket?
- 2279. Yes!
- 2280. - Bob, is that my jacket?
- 2281. - No, wait a minute.
- 2282. Oh, my God!
- 2283. Dude, where'd you get this from?
- 2284. Well, I sleep in it most nights,
but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!
- 2285. Man! You are the man! Yes!
- 2286. - Family hug! What?
- Ooh. Okay.
- 2287. All right, let's go!
- 2288. - Okay.
- All right.
- 2289. You still ride?
- 2290. Cut! The fire department's here.
- 2291. All right. That's our cue, guys!
- 2292. Here we are
shooting Central Intelligence.
- 2293. They shut us down.
The fire trucks are out here.
- 2294. - Shut the fuck up!
- Will you get the fuck out of my video?
- 2295. I'mma slap the dogshit out of you.
- 2296. Why do you do your video behind me?
- 2297. - I'm trying to do my video!
- This is my video!
- 2298. - You're in my fucking video!
- I'm pissed off.
- 2299. Watch your mouth,
I'll slap the shit out of you.
- 2300. FUCK you!
- 2301. Okay. You have it your way.
- 2302. You leave me no choice.
- 2303. Pam...
- 2304. Tickler! Tickler!
- 2305. Where are the codes? Where are the codes?
- 2306. It's just nice.
- 2307. In here and it's kind of all...
- 2308. - Oh, my God.
- 2309. - Can you do both?
- 2310. Oh, my God!
- 2311. It's called "soul gazing."
- 2312. Stare into my soul
and I'll stare into yours.
- 2313. - Come in. Shh.
- You're not my wife!
- 2314. Oh, that's it.
- 2315. - Bob, I'm gonna...
- 2316. I promise you'll never...
- 2317. Let's keep on, keep on.
- 2318. Okay, for real this time.
- 2319. It's for real.
This is for real, guys, yeah.
- 2320. - That's it!
- 2321. One more. Come on.
- 2322. - I can't do this, I'm not...
- 2323. Oh, my God. I've fucking had it.
- 2324. Lock it! We're professionals.
- 2325. - This is what we do. You ready?
- Come on, baby!
- 2326. I'm gonna hit you. I told you!
- 2327. Fuck!
- 2328. Are you not a super tool?
- 2329. You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht.
You're Bob Stone!
- 2330. - I made that name up.
- So what?
- 2331. - It's not real.
- What does that mean?
- 2332. What, you think Mr. T and Sting
- 2333. and The Rock...
- 2334. You think those guys are real?
- 2335. That's a bunch of dumb-ass nicknames
by a bunch of dumb-ass people.
- 2336. Fanny!
- 2337. English - SDH