1. All right, kids! Rise and shine!Copy !req
2. Let's go, everybody. Let's go.Copy !req
3. Come on, girls! Enough with the hair.Copy !req
4. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
5. Hit the deck. Hit the deck!
Let's go, girls.Copy !req
6. Let's go, everybody. Come on.
Come on. Wake up.Copy !req
7. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
8. Okay. Let's go!Copy !req
9. Danny, turn off that radio!Copy !req
10. Uppy, uppy, uppy!Copy !req
11. Come on, come on, move, move.Copy !req
12. Thanks. Hey, Deb,
I talked to Pete Scalary last night.Copy !req
13. He's gonna get that training bra
back real soon. Who's in here?Copy !req
14. - Oh, gosh. Shut up!
- Danny, get out! Mom! Mom!Copy !req
15. - Danny saw me naked!
- Stop.Copy !req
16. You think you're cool, Danny.Copy !req
17. Who are you? What's your name?Copy !req
18. - Dennis.
- Dennis?Copy !req
19. Brush your teeth?
- All of them.Copy !req
20. - When are you gonna get that haircut?
- Honey, who is this?Copy !req
21. - That's your nephew.
- What are we running, a restaurant?Copy !req
22. - Did you get out yesterday?
- Yes. Twice.Copy !req
23. I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning
and I had doubles in the afternoon.Copy !req
24. - How much is that?
- It's about 30 bucks plus tips.Copy !req
25. Well, put it in the college fund.Copy !req
26. You're like a three-year-old! You have to
tell him every time he gets money.Copy !req
27. As soon as you guys get back from
Little League, let's get some painting done.Copy !req
28. The Douglases got fake brick.
You don't have to paint it.Copy !req
29. Hooray for the Douglases!
Oh, come on, Jonathan. Bad boy.Copy !req
30. Why don't you give the St. Copius
scholarship people a call?Copy !req
31. I don't know about that place.
I talked to a guy who went.Copy !req
32. He said there were two girls
and they were both nuns.Copy !req
33. Ah! I saw that! That's about
10 bucks and change.Copy !req
34. I had a couple of burgers
and some Cokes for lunch.Copy !req
35. - How many Cokes?
- Four or five.Copy !req
36. - What are you, a diabetic?
- I don't know.Copy !req
37. You're not leaving
until we settle the college thing.Copy !req
38. If he doesn't have something lined up
by September...Copy !req
39. I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick
to put him on at the lumberyard.Copy !req
40. He's not gonna work at the lumberyard.Copy !req
41. He isn't gonna be a caddy all his life, is he?Copy !req
42. Hey, Mr. Webb,
can I ask you something?Copy !req
43. Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.Copy !req
44. - Danny.
- Danny.Copy !req
45. When you were my age,
did you ever have trouble...Copy !req
46. deciding what you wanted
to do with your life?Copy !req
47. No, I've never had that problem really.
Why?Copy !req
48. Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.Copy !req
49. - You take drugs?
- Every day.Copy !req
50. - Good. So what's the problem?
- I don't know.Copy !req
51. Did you have to take that Cooter
Preference Test when you were a senior?Copy !req
52. Oh, yeah, I took it. They said
I should be a fire watcher.Copy !req
53. - What are you supposed to be?
- An underachiever.Copy !req
54. - I gotta go to college. I gotta.
- Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.Copy !req
55. - This isn't Russia, is it?
- No.Copy !req
56. I didn't think so. No, the thing is,
really, do you wanna go to college?Copy !req
57. Ugh. In Nebraska?
Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.Copy !req
58. Hold on. I think I lent you,
what, $2.50 yesterday?Copy !req
59. I can't foot the bill for everything,
so don't ask for money.Copy !req
60. My dad can't afford it. I haven't told him
about the scholarship I didn't get.Copy !req
61. I'll end up working in a lumberyard.Copy !req
62. What's wrong with lumber?
I own two lumberyards.Copy !req
63. - You don't spend too much time there.
- I'm not sure where they are.Copy !req
64. - I like you, Betty.
- That's Danny, sir.Copy !req
65. Danny. I'm gonna give
you a little advice.Copy !req
66. There's a force in the universe
that makes things happen...Copy !req
67. and all you have to do
is get in touch with it.Copy !req
68. Stop thinking, let things happen...Copy !req
69. and be the ball.Copy !req
70. - Danny. Danny?
- Sir. Sir.Copy !req
71. - Where's the wedge?
- Right here, sir.Copy !req
72. Thank you, Danny.Copy !req
73. Find your center.Copy !req
74. Hear nothing, feel nothing.Copy !req
75. That is kind of incredible, sir.Copy !req
76. - You try, Danny.
- Pardon me.Copy !req
77. Pardon you? Here, you try it.Copy !req
78. - Oh, I don't know.
- Go ahead.Copy !req
79. Just relax. Find your center.Copy !req
80. Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it.Copy !req
81. Turn off all the sound.Copy !req
82. Just let it happen. Be the ball.Copy !req
83. Be the ball, Danny. You're
not being the ball, Danny.Copy !req
84. - It's kind of difficult with you talking.
- Okay.Copy !req
85. I'm not talking. Stop talking.Copy !req
86. I'm not talking now.Copy !req
87. Be the ball.Copy !req
88. Where'd it go?Copy !req
89. Right in the lumberyard.
It's okay. We'll work on it.Copy !req
90. - McFiddish!
- Sir.Copy !req
91. - Do you know what I just saw?
- No, sir.Copy !req
92. - A gopher!
- Gopher? Where?Copy !req
93. Do you know what gophers
can do to a golf course?Copy !req
94. Aye, sir. I think they're tunneling in
from that construction site over yonder.Copy !req
95. Czervik Construction Company?Copy !req
96. I'll slap an injunction on them so fast
it'll make their heads spin. And you...Copy !req
97. You get rid of those gophers...Copy !req
98. or I'll be looking for a new
greenskeeper. Is that clear?Copy !req
99. - Aye, sir! Very clear, sir.
- Yeah.Copy !req
100. I'll put my best man on it!Copy !req
101. Mrs. Crane...Copy !req
102. I'm looking at you.
You wore green so you could hide.Copy !req
103. I don't blame you. You're a tramp.
Oh, that was a good one.Copy !req
104. Oh, that was right where you wanted it.Copy !req
105. Mrs. Crane, you're a little
monkey woman, you know that?Copy !req
106. You're a little monkey woman.
You're lean...Copy !req
107. and you're mean and you're not too far
between either I bet, are you, huh?Copy !req
108. Would you like to wrap your spikes
around my head?Copy !req
109. Carl!Copy !req
110. Damn your eyes, man!Copy !req
111. I told you to cut the long grass on the
thirteenth and to mow the practice green.Copy !req
112. I was unavoidably detained.Copy !req
113. You can forget about the thirteenth
and the practice green.Copy !req
114. I've got a more important job for you.Copy !req
115. I want you to kill every gopher
on the course.Copy !req
116. Check me if I'm wrong,
but if I kill all the golfers...Copy !req
117. they're gonna lock me up.Copy !req
118. Gophers! Not golfers!
The little brown furry rodents.Copy !req
119. We can do that.
We don't even have to have a reason.Copy !req
120. Do it, man!Copy !req
121. I'll just do the same thing,
but with gophers.Copy !req
122. It's not my fault nobody can
understand what you're saying.Copy !req
123. Give me the Mets in three
and I'll take the Yankees even.Copy !req
124. I'll call you back.Copy !req
125. Caddyshack.Copy !req
126. Yeah.Copy !req
127. What do you got?Copy !req
128. All right. I'll be right up.Copy !req
129. - Noonan.
- Yeah, Lou?Copy !req
130. Take over for me.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
131. Joe, people.Copy !req
132. So I jump ship in Hong Kong...Copy !req
133. and I make my way over to Tibet...Copy !req
134. and I get on as a looper
at a course in the Himalayas.Copy !req
135. A looper?Copy !req
136. A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper...Copy !req
137. a jock.Copy !req
138. So I tell them I'm a pro jock and
who do you think they give me?Copy !req
139. The Dalai Lama himself.
The twelfth son of the Lama.Copy !req
140. The flowing robes, the grace, bald...Copy !req
141. striking. So I'm on the first tee with him.
I give him the driver.Copy !req
142. He hauls off and whacks one.
Big hitter, the Lama. Long.Copy !req
143. Into a 10,000 foot crevice right
at the base of this glacier.Copy !req
144. - Do you know what the Lama says?
- No.Copy !req
145. So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me.Copy !req
146. And I say, "Hey, Lama! Hey!Copy !req
147. How about a little something,
you know, for the effort?"Copy !req
148. And he says, "Oh, there
won't be any money...Copy !req
149. but when you die, on your deathbed...Copy !req
150. you will receive total consciousness. "Copy !req
151. So I got that going for me.
Which is nice.Copy !req
152. Your ball's right over there.
Go straight and you can't miss it.Copy !req
153. Mrs. Havercamp. You go
that way and it's right over-Copy !req
154. - Mrs. - Mrs. Havercamp. You need this.
- Oh, I might, at that.Copy !req
155. Yeah.Copy !req
156. Mr. Havercamp. Mr. Havercamp,
your ball's right over here, sir.Copy !req
157. It's right there.Copy !req
158. No, Mr. Havercamp, the green
is right over there. It's that way.Copy !req
159. Look, sir, just bend a little bit that way
and swing away...Copy !req
160. and just straight up. That's fine.
Great.Copy !req
161. Wee!Copy !req
162. That's a peach, hon.Copy !req
163. Oh, golly, I'm hot today.Copy !req
164. What'd they do, die on you, Tony?Copy !req
165. I can't pay you. Lou has to.Copy !req
166. - Where is he?
- He's out.Copy !req
167. I can see that he's out, numbnuts.Copy !req
168. Give me a Coke.Copy !req
169. One Coke.Copy !req
170. Hey, wait a minute.
That's only 50 cents.Copy !req
171. Lou raised the price of Coke.
He's been losing at the track.Copy !req
172. Ha, ha. Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents
for no Coke!Copy !req
173. Ha, ha. Then you ain't getting no Coke.Copy !req
174. Know what I'm talking about?Copy !req
175. You've had it, Noonan.
Come on, open up this door.Copy !req
176. - Open up this door!
- Watch it, jerk!Copy !req
177. Jerk?Copy !req
178. - Come on out, Noonan!
- Whoa! Bite it, baby.Copy !req
179. Hey, what's going on?Copy !req
180. Open up, Noonan. Come on.Copy !req
181. - Hey, Lou.
- Out.Copy !req
182. - Sure you don't need me for nothing?
- No.Copy !req
183. Hi, guy.Copy !req
184. Hey, I think you and I ought to
go outside and have a little talk.Copy !req
185. - Talk? Okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
186. My friend, you have no idea how
happy this is gonna make me.Copy !req
187. - I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.
- I hope that means the both of us.Copy !req
188. Couldn't we just arm wrestle
or something?Copy !req
189. That's my brother!
Come here. Give me a hand.Copy !req
190. - Whip his ass, Tony!
- Okay, Noonan.Copy !req
191. Now, who'd you say the jerk was, jerk?Copy !req
192. Get him!Copy !req
193. What is this?Copy !req
194. - What's the sign say?
- No bare feet.Copy !req
195. - What's that sign say?
- No fighting.Copy !req
196. - What's it mean?
- No fighting.Copy !req
197. You owe me one gumball machine.
What's that candy wrapper doing there?Copy !req
198. Don't you see it?
Well, pick it up!Copy !req
199. I'm gonna put it right on the line.Copy !req
200. There have been a lot
of complaints already.Copy !req
201. Fooling around on the course,
bad language...Copy !req
202. smoking grass, poor caddying.Copy !req
203. So if you guys wanna get fired...Copy !req
204. if you wanna be replaced
by golf carts, just keep it up.Copy !req
205. One announcement:Copy !req
206. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer
school from a severe anxiety attack.Copy !req
207. I heard he swallowed his vomit
during a test.Copy !req
208. However it happened, he was
a good caddy and a good kid.Copy !req
209. He was a brown nose, Lou.
You hated him.Copy !req
210. Shut up.Copy !req
211. That means the caddy scholarship
is available again...Copy !req
212. and anyone who's interested
should go see Judge Smails.Copy !req
213. And kiss his ass.Copy !req
214. That would help.Copy !req
215. Let's move out.
We got golfers waiting.Copy !req
216. Let's go. You, Angie, pick up that blood.Copy !req
217. Hey, Lou...Copy !req
218. what kind of grades do I need
for this caddy scholarship deal?Copy !req
219. If you've been a good caddy,
I think they're lenient.Copy !req
220. We're about to tee off now.
So call the hospital...Copy !req
221. and move my appointment with
Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.Copy !req
222. What? Oh, well...Copy !req
223. Just snake a tube down her nose
and I'll be there...Copy !req
224. in four or five hours.
Testing now.Copy !req
225. Three, two, one, check.Copy !req
226. Do you have any eights?Copy !req
227. Don't you have homes?Copy !req
228. - Porterhouse?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
229. There's a brown Audi
parked in my parking space.Copy !req
230. Get a tow truck and
have it hauled away immediately.Copy !req
231. Right away, judge.
Right away, sir. Yes, sir.Copy !req
232. Oh, Porterhouse!
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir, judge. Yes, sir.Copy !req
233. Look at the wax build-up
on those shoes.Copy !req
234. This is fine leather.
I want that wax stripped off.Copy !req
235. I want them creamed and
buffed with a fine chamois...Copy !req
236. and I want them now. Chop-chop!
- You've got them, judge.Copy !req
237. Spaulding, get dressed.
You're playing golf.Copy !req
238. No, I'm not, Grandpa.
I'm playing tennis.Copy !req
239. You're playing golf and you'll like it.Copy !req
240. - What about my asthma?
- I'll give you asthma.Copy !req
241. - Ty, what did you shoot today?
- I don't keep score, judge.Copy !req
242. Well, how do you measure yourself
with other golfers?Copy !req
243. By height.Copy !req
244. You know, you should play
with Dr. Beeper and myself.Copy !req
245. He's been club champion
for three years running...Copy !req
246. and I'm no slouch myself.Copy !req
247. Don't sell yourself short, judge.
You're a tremendous slouch.Copy !req
248. Oh, say, Fred.Copy !req
249. Have you heard the one...Copy !req
250. about the Jew, the Catholic and
the colored boy who went to heaven?Copy !req
251. Yeah.Copy !req
252. That's a doozy, judge.Copy !req
253. Colored boy? Why, you son of a bitch.Copy !req
254. I'll fix you, you little-Copy !req
255. Colored boy.Copy !req
256. Here you are, kid. Park my car.
Get my bags.Copy !req
257. And put on some weight, will you?Copy !req
258. Hey, Wang, what's with the pictures?
It's a parking lot! Come on, will you?Copy !req
259. I think this place is restricted, Wang, so
don't tell them you're Jewish, okay? Fine.Copy !req
260. I'm Al Czervik.
I'm playing with Drew Scott today...Copy !req
261. and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.
No offense.Copy !req
262. Give me half a dozen
of those Vulcan D-1 Os...Copy !req
263. and set my friend up
with the whole schmeer.Copy !req
264. You know, clubs, bags, shoes...Copy !req
265. gloves, shirt, pants.Copy !req
266. Orange balls!
I'll have a box of those.Copy !req
267. A box of naked-lady tees.Copy !req
268. And give me two of those.
Give me six of those.Copy !req
269. This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw.Copy !req
270. You buy a hat like this, I'll bet
you get a free bowl of soup, huh?Copy !req
271. Oh, it looks good on you though.Copy !req
272. Okay. Judge Smails, Smails lll...Copy !req
273. Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.
Who wants it?Copy !req
274. - Yeah, I'll do it. Right here.
- I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.Copy !req
275. Oh! Brown nose. Brown nose.Copy !req
276. Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.
Hey, thanks, Lou.Copy !req
277. John, you take the Bish.Copy !req
278. - This is ridiculous. Let me carry that one.
- No, I can do it.Copy !req
279. - You sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
280. - Oh.
- Madonna with meatballs.Copy !req
281. Turds!Copy !req
282. Spaulding! How many times
have I told you about your language?Copy !req
283. - Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot.
- Lacey.Copy !req
284. Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper,
this is my niece, Lacey Underall.Copy !req
285. Lacey's mother has sent her to us
for the summer.Copy !req
286. It must be a nice change
from dreary old Manhattan.Copy !req
287. Yes. I was getting really tired
of having fun all the time.Copy !req
288. - Double turds!
- Spaulding!Copy !req
289. Hey, so where do we tee off?Copy !req
290. Al. Al.
- How are you?Copy !req
291. We're all set to go.
You know my friend?Copy !req
292. - Sure, sure.
- How you doing? Okay. Right, right.Copy !req
293. Are we waiting for these guys?Copy !req
294. Hey, whitey, where's your hat?Copy !req
295. Let's go, while we're young!Copy !req
296. You mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.Copy !req
297. I bet you slice it into the woods,
a hundred bucks.Copy !req
298. Gambling is illegal at Bushwood,
sir, and I never slice.Copy !req
299. - Damn!
- Okay, you can owe me.Copy !req
300. I owe you nothing!Copy !req
301. Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?Copy !req
302. - You want your driver?
- No, he's not my type.Copy !req
303. Hey, that's a joke. I'm kidding.
Yeah, give me the driver, will you?Copy !req
304. All right, place your bets, place your bets.
Here we are.Copy !req
305. - Don't count that. I was interfered with.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
306. Goddamn it!Copy !req
307. By the way, what did Mr. Webb
shoot this morning?Copy !req
308. He doesn't keep score, sir.Copy !req
309. - Yes, I know, but just guess. Eighty, 75?
- Shit!Copy !req
310. More like 68, I think.Copy !req
311. - I don't believe it. Really?
- Damn it!Copy !req
312. - Oh, yes.
- Shit!Copy !req
313. Why not improve your lie a little?Copy !req
314. - Yes, Yes. Winter rules.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
315. Double farts!Copy !req
316. - Fore!
That's a fine shot.Copy !req
317. I should have yelled "two. "Copy !req
318. Why don't we walk this off, sir?Copy !req
319. - What you got in here, rocks?
- When I was your age...Copy !req
320. I would lug 50 pounds of ice
up five, six flights of stairs.Copy !req
321. - So what?
- So what?Copy !req
322. So let's dance!Copy !req
323. Bah!Copy !req
324. Now what the devil-?Copy !req
325. The man's a menace.Copy !req
326. Cut that off!Copy !req
327. Music is a violation of our personal
privacy. He's breaking the law.Copy !req
328. Really?Copy !req
329. I've always been fascinated
with the law.Copy !req
330. Oh, really? What areas?Copy !req
331. Oh, all areas.
Personal privacy, noise statutes.Copy !req
332. I planned to go to law school
after I graduated...Copy !req
333. but looks like my folks won't have
enough money to put me through college.Copy !req
334. Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too.Copy !req
335. Nice try.Copy !req
336. Great big gobs of greasy, grimy
gopher guts.Copy !req
337. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?Copy !req
338. Scum, slime,
menace to the golfing industry.Copy !req
339. You're a disgrace.Copy !req
340. You're varmints. You're one of the
lowest members of the food chain.Copy !req
341. You'll probably be replaced by the rat.Copy !req
342. Well, I have been pushed.Copy !req
343. It's about time somebody
teach these varmints...Copy !req
344. a little lesson about morality...Copy !req
345. and about what it's like to be a
decent upstanding member of a society.Copy !req
346. Come to Carl, varmint.
Come to Carl.Copy !req
347. Okay. I guess we're
playing for keeps now.Copy !req
348. I guess the kidding around
is pretty much over, huh?Copy !req
349. I guess it's just a matter now of pumping
15,000 gallons of water down there...Copy !req
350. to teach you a little bit of a lesson.
Is that it? I think it is!Copy !req
351. - You guys are brothers, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
352. What is this, a family business or what?Copy !req
353. You know, they say for Italians
this is skilled labor, you know that?Copy !req
354. No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.Copy !req
355. My doctor told me to get out and
carry golf bags a couple of times a week.Copy !req
356. Oh, you're a funny kid, you know.
What time you due back in Boys Town?Copy !req
357. Here we are now.Copy !req
358. Albert Einstein gave me this, you know.Copy !req
359. Yeah. Nice man, nice man.Copy !req
360. Made a fortune in physics.Copy !req
361. Boom!
All right! Hey!Copy !req
362. I'll tell you, son,
my main satisfaction...Copy !req
363. is working with young people like
yourself at our new Youtheran Center.Copy !req
364. Why don't you drop by some time?Copy !req
365. I've often thought of
entering the priesthood.Copy !req
366. Oh, are you Roman Catholic?Copy !req
367. Oh, then I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid you can't come.Copy !req
368. Go for it.Copy !req
369. You know, I've often thought
of becoming a golf club.Copy !req
370. Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units
in the next two years.Copy !req
371. I bet they'd love a great
shopping mall right here.Copy !req
372. Condos over there. Plenty of parking.Copy !req
373. I'll tell you, country clubs and cemeteries,
biggest wastes of prime real estate.Copy !req
374. Dead people. They don't wanna be
buried nowadays. Ecology, right?Copy !req
375. Ask Wang, he'll tell you.
We bought property...Copy !req
376. right behind the Great Wall.
On the good side.Copy !req
377. I want a hamburger.Copy !req
378. No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog.Copy !req
379. I want a milkshake.Copy !req
380. - I want potato-
- You'll get nothing and like it!Copy !req
381. Danny. Danny, stop it.
The judge will see you.Copy !req
382. You going out with me tonight?Copy !req
383. Yeah, up to my room?
I gotta work in the dining room tonight.Copy !req
384. Come work with me!
You can bus tables.Copy !req
385. - I've never done that.
- It's easy.Copy !req
386. You fill the water glass,
you replace the butter.Copy !req
387. If they drop a fork,
you give them another.Copy !req
388. I don't think I can handle that.Copy !req
389. All right!Copy !req
390. Put me down for five.Copy !req
391. Now, if I can just make this one.Copy !req
392. Hey, Smails!Copy !req
393. A thousand bucks, you miss that putt.Copy !req
394. Of all the nerve!Copy !req
395. Come here.
What'd he say?Copy !req
396. They're betting.
He has $1000 for the challenge.Copy !req
397. Aw.
Missed it.Copy !req
398. You! You! You!Copy !req
399. Oh, my God!Copy !req
400. Jeez.Copy !req
401. - I did not throw it!
- If you didn't...Copy !req
402. how did it get here?
- It slipped!Copy !req
403. - Slipped!
- What's the problem?Copy !req
404. He almost killed my wife
with his damn club!Copy !req
405. It was an accident.
It slipped out of my hands.Copy !req
406. I noticed your grips were worn.
I should have mentioned it.Copy !req
407. I could put some stickum
on there for you. It's my fault.Copy !req
408. Uh. It's a good idea.
Next time be more careful!Copy !req
409. Kids! What are you gonna do?
Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened.Copy !req
410. I'll pay for your lunch
and I'll pay for the umbrella.Copy !req
411. Danny, I'll see you at the table.
I'll sign your card.Copy !req
412. Sir.Copy !req
413. Thanks for helping me. You're a good
caddy. Something to be very proud of.Copy !req
414. Hey, you know we're giving another
caddy scholarship this year?Copy !req
415. Yes. I heard something about that,
sir, but my grades in high school...Copy !req
416. weren't that outstanding.Copy !req
417. There are more important
things than grades.Copy !req
418. Winning the caddy tournament,
for instance.Copy !req
419. It might look pretty good
on a young fella's application.Copy !req
420. - I'm sure gonna try, sir.
- This is for you.Copy !req
421. You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him.Copy !req
422. He's as good as he says he is,
he's gotta play me to prove it.Copy !req
423. Okay, I will, sir.Copy !req
424. - Good boy. Good boy.
- Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
425. Licensed to kill gophers by the
government of the United Nations.Copy !req
426. Man free to kill gophers at will.Copy !req
427. To kill, you must know your enemy.Copy !req
428. In this case, my enemy is a varmint.Copy !req
429. And a varmint will never quit.Copy !req
430. Ever. They're like the Viet Cong.Copy !req
431. Varmint Cong.Copy !req
432. So what you gotta do,
you gotta fall back...Copy !req
433. on superior firepower...Copy !req
434. and superior intelligence.Copy !req
435. And that's all she wrote.Copy !req
436. - You gonna eat your fat?
- Spaulding.Copy !req
437. You're looking lovely
this evening, Mrs. Smails.Copy !req
438. Why, thank you, doctor.Copy !req
439. Lacey, you'd be interested to know
this uniform was given to me...Copy !req
440. by the captain of the links
of St. Andrews from Scotland.Copy !req
441. They invented the game there,
except they call it "gof"...Copy !req
442. without the "L" as we do.Copy !req
443. I think I have enough butter.Copy !req
444. - Right. If you need any more...
- Sure.Copy !req
445. When Mona died last winter,
I said to myself:Copy !req
446. "Al, if you keep busting your hump
16, 20 hours a day...Copy !req
447. you'll end up with
a $60 million funeral. "Copy !req
448. Hey, doll, could you scare up
another round for our table?Copy !req
449. And tell the cook this is
low-grade dog food. All right?Copy !req
450. - Here, take this for yourself. Okay?
- Thank you, sir.Copy !req
451. I had better food at the ball game,
you know.Copy !req
452. This steak still has marks
where the jockey was hitting it.Copy !req
453. Anyway, today I just stick to real estate.Copy !req
454. With this market,
if you own anything but land...Copy !req
455. you own a popcorn fart.Copy !req
456. Oh, did somebody step on a duck?Copy !req
457. Ain't that right, sir?Copy !req
458. The graveyard is two blocks
to the left, okay?Copy !req
459. Dog food?Copy !req
460. I'll show him dog food!Copy !req
461. Hey, where's the bar?
Let's have some drinks here.Copy !req
462. Hey, waiter, here.
This is for you, all right?Copy !req
463. Oh, Captain Hook!
How about the grand you owe me?Copy !req
464. Forget about it. I'm just kidding.
All right.Copy !req
465. This is your wife? A lovely lady.
Hey, baby, you're all right.Copy !req
466. You must have been something
before electricity, huh?Copy !req
467. Hey, doll, how are you, huh?
You live alone?Copy !req
468. Hey, rabbi, nice seeing you.
Folks, how are you?Copy !req
469. And this is your grandson, huh?
A wonderful boy.Copy !req
470. Nice boy. He's a good boy, I'll tell you.Copy !req
471. Now I know why tigers
eat their young, you know.Copy !req
472. Woo! The dance of the living dead!Copy !req
473. - I know why you came here tonight.
- Why?Copy !req
474. That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea
right out of your mind.Copy !req
475. She's been plucked more times
than the rose of Tralee.Copy !req
476. Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue I'm told.Copy !req
477. Pay no attention to that bush
moving around there by that tree.Copy !req
478. It's just a bush.
Nothing even to look twice at.Copy !req
479. Nothing to be alarmed about.Copy !req
480. This looks like it could be gravy.Copy !req
481. All right.Copy !req
482. I smell varmint poontang...Copy !req
483. and the only good varmint poontang...Copy !req
484. is dead varmint poontang,
I think.Copy !req
485. You gotta get out on a ball.Copy !req
486. Tom, I'll show you places you can go.
- Where you gonna take me?Copy !req
487. Ty! Ty, come over here!Copy !req
488. - Ty, hi, how are you?
How are you?Copy !req
489. - Hi.
- Ty, there's someone you must meet.Copy !req
490. Al Czervik, Ty Webb.Copy !req
491. Al built our condo in Palm Beach.Copy !req
492. I need a drink. Nice meeting you.
I'll see you. Take it easy.Copy !req
493. See you in a bit, Al.Copy !req
494. Heads up, but I think
someone's giving you the big eyes.Copy !req
495. Oh, I remember her.Copy !req
496. Hey, can you make a bullshot?Copy !req
497. - Can you make a shoe smell?
- Very funny.Copy !req
498. Why don't you get yourself
a real haircut? Take this.Copy !req
499. - Thanks.
- What people here. Look at that one.Copy !req
500. The last time I saw a mouth
like that, it had a hook in it.Copy !req
501. So what brings you to this nape
of the woods? Neck of the "wape"?Copy !req
502. - How come you're here?
- Daddy wanted to broaden me.Copy !req
503. In this place? Good luck.Copy !req
504. What do you do for excitement?Copy !req
505. Oh, I... play a lot of golf.Copy !req
506. Golf?Copy !req
507. Nixon plays golf.Copy !req
508. Bet you got a lot of stories
about your ball landing in the road.Copy !req
509. So, what do you do?Copy !req
510. Oh, I enjoy... skinny-skiing...Copy !req
511. going to bullfights on acid.Copy !req
512. I bet you got a lot of nice ties.Copy !req
513. What do you mean?Copy !req
514. You wanna tie me up
with some of your ties, Ty?Copy !req
515. - I've got a good idea.
- What?Copy !req
516. Let's pretend...Copy !req
517. we're real human beings.Copy !req
518. Freeze, gopher!Copy !req
519. Ugh.Copy !req
520. Elihu, who is that disgusting man
over there?Copy !req
521. I tell you, I never saw
dead people smoke before.Copy !req
522. A guest of the Scotts.Copy !req
523. What do you say we
bust up this joint, huh?Copy !req
524. Yeah.Copy !req
525. Hey, you two should
get a room, you know?Copy !req
526. Hey, Ringo, play something hot,
will you?Copy !req
527. And you guys...Copy !req
528. take some more lessons.Copy !req
529. Hey, judge, give someone else
a chance. You lucky devil!Copy !req
530. Come here, honey. And hey, loosen up,
will you? You're a lot of woman, you know?Copy !req
531. Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?Copy !req
532. You! You! You're no gentleman!Copy !req
533. I'm no doorknob either, all right?Copy !req
534. I never wanna see that man here again!Copy !req
535. Wait up, girls.
I got a salami I gotta hide still.Copy !req
536. Carl! I told you, today is the day
we change the holes.Copy !req
537. Do it now! With no more slacking off!Copy !req
538. I'll slack you off,
you fuzzy little foreigner.Copy !req
539. I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena.Copy !req
540. Oh, man in a boat overboard.Copy !req
541. You beast, you savage.Copy !req
542. Come on, bark like a dog for me.Copy !req
543. Bark like a dog. I will teach you
the meaning of the word "respect. "Copy !req
544. Mr. Webb.Copy !req
545. I just gotta win that caddy tournament.Copy !req
546. I owe it to my folks
to get that scholarship.Copy !req
547. - What do you wanna go to college for?
- I don't know.Copy !req
548. Let me tell you a story.Copy !req
549. I knew a guy who could have been
a great golfer. Could have gone pro.Copy !req
550. All he needed was a little
time and some practice.Copy !req
551. He decided to go to college instead.Copy !req
552. He went for four years.
Did pretty well.Copy !req
553. At the end of his four years,
the last semester, he was kicked out.Copy !req
554. You know what for?Copy !req
555. He was night-putting.
Just putting at night...Copy !req
556. with the 15-year-old
daughter of the dean.Copy !req
557. You know who that guy was, Danny?Copy !req
558. No.Copy !req
559. - Take one good guess.
- Bob Hope.Copy !req
560. No, no.Copy !req
561. No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein.Copy !req
562. My roommate. He's a good guy.Copy !req
563. Don't be obsessed
with your desires, Danny.Copy !req
564. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:Copy !req
565. "A flute with no holes is not a flute...Copy !req
566. and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish. "
He was a funny guy.Copy !req
567. You missed just that one.Copy !req
568. In one physical model of the universe,
the shortest distance between two points...Copy !req
569. is a straight line
in the opposite direction, Danny.Copy !req
570. - Unbelievable.
- Thank you very little.Copy !req
571. Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell,
you're on the tee.Copy !req
572. Here's a power hitter.Copy !req
573. Nice form.Copy !req
574. - Nice form.
- Good luck, sucker.Copy !req
575. Nice one. Very nice.
Very good. Yeah.Copy !req
576. AW.Copy !req
577. Ah, shit!Copy !req
578. No, no, nice shot.
Right on the beach.Copy !req
579. Okay, Danny, this is for the gold.Copy !req
580. You ain't got it today, Noonan.Copy !req
581. - Miss it, Noonan. Miss.
- Noonan! Noonan!Copy !req
582. Stop it.Copy !req
583. Miss it, Noonan. Miss!
Noonan! Noonan!Copy !req
584. - Miss it, miss it!
- Miss it!Copy !req
585. Excellent round, son.Copy !req
586. - Excellent round! Topnotch, topnotch!
- Thank you.Copy !req
587. Thank you, sir. Thank you.Copy !req
588. Say, I'm having a little party
at the Yacht Club this Sunday.Copy !req
589. I'm christening my new sloop.Copy !req
590. - What are you doing this Sunday?
- I have...Copy !req
591. no plans.
- Great!Copy !req
592. How'd you like to mow my lawn, eh?Copy !req
593. I figure a college-bound fellow
could use a few extra dollars, huh?Copy !req
594. And when you've finished...Copy !req
595. why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?Copy !req
596. Oh, thank you, sir.Copy !req
597. - All right. All right.
- Smile.Copy !req
598. Great. Great.Copy !req
599. Thank you. Thank you. Maggie,
how about we go swimming?Copy !req
600. I don't have the swimwear.
Besides, I've never swum.Copy !req
601. I'll teach you.Copy !req
602. Why don't you come on in and
help me sort me holy cards first?Copy !req
603. Now, Maggie's pants.Copy !req
604. Let's get wet!Copy !req
605. You better cool it, pencil-neck.
Don't make me come down there.Copy !req
606. You, that's who.Copy !req
607. Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water.Copy !req
608. That's it!Copy !req
609. Let go of me.Copy !req
610. You put your suit on!Copy !req
611. You shave your ass!Copy !req
612. Hi, Maggie. How was it?Copy !req
613. How was what?Copy !req
614. I guess it couldn't have been
that great then.Copy !req
615. Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio.Copy !req
616. All right, stand up.Copy !req
617. All right. Okay.Copy !req
618. She's incredible.Copy !req
619. Let me just squirt
into the side of the pool.Copy !req
620. Come on, over here.Copy !req
621. Hi, mama.Copy !req
622. Hey, you guys, cool it!Copy !req
623. Hey! Hey, cut that out!Copy !req
624. I mean it, n-!Copy !req
625. - Want some?
- Oh, give me some.Copy !req
626. - Who asked you?
- Come on, I'm asking.Copy !req
627. - Would you please-?
- Get out of here.Copy !req
628. Hey, thanks a lot.Copy !req
629. Stop that, you two! All of you!Copy !req
630. I want you out of that pool at once!Copy !req
631. Out you go, you understand?Copy !req
632. I don't want to see another
caddy body in this pool. All of you.Copy !req
633. Did you understand what I said? Out.
Oh, Lacey.Copy !req
634. Take your hands off her.
Put your clothes back on, my dear.Copy !req
635. Out! I said, out! Didn't you hear me?Copy !req
636. Doodie! Doodie!Copy !req
637. Don't touch it!Copy !req
638. Spaulding, no!Copy !req
639. Doodie!Copy !req
640. Yeah, well, if you find anything
that does look like a fecal remnant...Copy !req
641. I want the entire pool scrubbed,
sterilized and disinfected.Copy !req
642. Here it is!Copy !req
643. It's no big deal.Copy !req
644. - Well, hello. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
- Hi.Copy !req
645. - Busy?
- No, come on in.Copy !req
646. Go ahead. That's nothing.Copy !req
647. I tried calling, but there's no listing
for Mr. Wonderful.Copy !req
648. What spelling did you use?Copy !req
649. Sorry about this mess.
Let me just clean up here.Copy !req
650. - I'm getting ready for the season.
- What, duck?Copy !req
651. No, no. Dolphin.Copy !req
652. Would you like a drink?
Tuna colada, perhaps?Copy !req
653. Anything, anything.
Who's your decorator, Benihana?Copy !req
654. No, I brought most of that stuff
back with me from Vietnam.Copy !req
655. You were in the war?Copy !req
656. Oh, no.Copy !req
657. Homo.Copy !req
658. Much better now though.Copy !req
659. Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.Copy !req
660. Keep it.Copy !req
661. There's a bunch of them.
And a summons.Copy !req
662. It's yours.Copy !req
663. Pretty pathetic, Ty.Copy !req
664. Pathetic? Maybe you, Lacey.Copy !req
665. For me, there's a subtle perfection
in everything I do.Copy !req
666. - I have my own standards, my own way.
- My uncle says you got a screw loose.Copy !req
667. Oh, yeah? Your uncle molests collies.Copy !req
668. - You're rather...
- What?Copy !req
669. attractive for...Copy !req
670. a beautiful girl with a great body.Copy !req
671. Well, hey!Copy !req
672. Yeah.Copy !req
673. - Sing me a love song.
- I'm gonna.Copy !req
674. Yeah?Copy !req
675. - This stuff's terrible.
- It's good. You don't know how to do it.Copy !req
676. - How do I do it?
- I'm gonna show you.Copy !req
677. I was bornCopy !req
678. To love youCopy !req
679. I was born
To lick your faceCopy !req
680. I was born
To rub youCopy !req
681. But you were born
To rub me firstCopy !req
682. Let's go into the patio room.Copy !req
683. Woo!Copy !req
684. Know what this is called in the East?Copy !req
685. - What?
- It's a big rub.Copy !req
686. You have very... Very small breasts.Copy !req
687. Just kidding. Come on.
Work my way down.Copy !req
688. This is the Isle of Wight.Copy !req
689. Careful. I'm gonna move right down
the Taconic Parkway...Copy !req
690. over to your "clavula"...Copy !req
691. Will you get serious?Copy !req
692. - That's a very "in" thing to say.
- Yes, I know.Copy !req
693. - Ow, that hurts!
- It's all right. You're blocking.Copy !req
694. You're blocking, you're blocking.
Just hold on to your chakras.Copy !req
695. Just get a little more oil on us.Copy !req
696. There you go.Copy !req
697. Now I've done it. Let me get that
away from you. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
698. It's like reaching under the rug.Copy !req
699. - There.
- You're crazy!Copy !req
700. They said that about Son of Sam.
Know something?Copy !req
701. - What?
- I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.Copy !req
702. - Don't even think about it.
- I'm just gonna eat these.Copy !req
703. I want you to know about it.
It's like acupressure, but it's acupuncture.Copy !req
704. The slightest prick and
you wouldn't even know it-Copy !req
705. - I'll kill you!
- No, no. I did not do that.Copy !req
706. See? You feel looser?Copy !req
707. - Listen.
- I feel like a hundred dollars.Copy !req
708. Forget the massage, okay?Copy !req
709. And just kiss me, you fool.Copy !req
710. - Slipping.
- Let go of my neck.Copy !req
711. What kind of shit is this?Copy !req
712. It's the best, man.
I got it from a Negro.Copy !req
713. You're probably so high already
you don't even know it.Copy !req
714. Probably.Copy !req
715. He looks like Dick Cavett.Copy !req
716. Hey, man, save me a toke.Copy !req
717. Gotta do my doctor thing.Copy !req
718. All right, everybody.
It's time to christen the sloop.Copy !req
719. Come along, children. You can
shake your booties down on the dock.Copy !req
720. Ahoy, polloi. Where did you
just come from, a Scotch ad?Copy !req
721. Eat it, Spaulding.Copy !req
722. My, what a nice looking young man.
You're from Bushwood, aren't you?Copy !req
723. - Yes, ma'am.
- He's not a member, Grandma.Copy !req
724. - He's a caddy.
- judge Smails invited me at the club.Copy !req
725. Of course. You're the young man
who wants to be in the Senate.Copy !req
726. That's right.Copy !req
727. Well, you two look like
a couple of boogies.Copy !req
728. Why don't you just scamper along now.Copy !req
729. May I escort you out, ma'am?Copy !req
730. Hold on, son. Are you trying
to make time with my best girl, huh?Copy !req
731. I want you to meet Chuck Schick.
He's clerking for me this summer...Copy !req
732. till he passes the bar.Copy !req
733. Well, see you on deck, senator.Copy !req
734. Well, I'm going to law school too.Copy !req
735. Really? Are you going to Harvard?Copy !req
736. - No. St. Copius of northern...
- Where?Copy !req
737. Hey, Cary Grant. You wanna get high?Copy !req
738. Wait a minute. I've only got a little.Copy !req
739. - Then split. Okay, Terry?
- Sure.Copy !req
740. Bye, Chuck.Copy !req
741. Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?Copy !req
742. - Depends on what's underneath.
- Ooh.Copy !req
743. Come on.Copy !req
744. I've got a little poem I'd like to read
in honor of this occasion, if I may.Copy !req
745. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.Copy !req
746. It's easy to grin
When your ship comes inCopy !req
747. and you've got
The stock market beatCopy !req
748. But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smileCopy !req
749. When his shorts
Are too tight in the seatCopy !req
750. Okay, Pookie, do the honors.Copy !req
751. Bless this ship and all who sail on her.Copy !req
752. I christen thee, The Flying Wasp.Copy !req
753. This is your fate line.Copy !req
754. You're gonna make a lot of money
when you're older.Copy !req
755. Oh, yeah? When? How?Copy !req
756. Could be in the market
or on a game show.Copy !req
757. And this...Copy !req
758. - This is your saliva line.
- What's it tell?Copy !req
759. How hot I can get you.Copy !req
760. Well, don't just stand there.
Go get some glue!Copy !req
761. Hey! My buddy!Copy !req
762. Full steam ahead. Over there.
I wanna go over there!Copy !req
763. Move over, Swanson. I'm driving.Copy !req
764. Hey, Smails...Copy !req
765. my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
- It's him.Copy !req
766. Save me a parking place, I'm coming in.Copy !req
767. Heave off! Heave off!Copy !req
768. Get back, you idiot! Brace yourselves!Copy !req
769. I almost got head from Amelia Earhart.Copy !req
770. What's this, Hell's Angels?Copy !req
771. Reverse, reverse.Copy !req
772. What the hell are you-?
Watch it.Copy !req
773. Back!Copy !req
774. Which way is backward?Copy !req
775. Stop! Stop!Copy !req
776. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!Copy !req
777. Okay, drop anchor.Copy !req
778. Hey, you scratched my anchor.Copy !req
779. I just want you to know that,
you know, because of this...Copy !req
780. you don't have to
stop seeing other people.Copy !req
781. There you go. Let's see.Copy !req
782. Oh, it looks absolutely perfect.Copy !req
783. - You!
- Your robe, Your Honor.Copy !req
784. Oh! Pl- Help!Copy !req
785. We've been invited home.Copy !req
786. Thanks. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
787. Are we still having tea?Copy !req
788. Elihu...Copy !req
789. would you come and
loofa my stretch marks?Copy !req
790. That must be the tea.Copy !req
791. What an incredible Cinderella story.Copy !req
792. This unknown comes out of nowhere
to lead the pack...Copy !req
793. at Augusta. He's on his final hole.Copy !req
794. He's about 455 yards away.
He's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think.Copy !req
795. Well, he got all of that.Copy !req
796. The crowd is standing on its feet
here at Augusta.Copy !req
797. The normally reserved Augusta crowd...Copy !req
798. is going wild.Copy !req
799. For this young Cinderella
who's come out of nowhere...Copy !req
800. he's got about 350 yards left.Copy !req
801. He's gonna hit about a 5-iron, I expect.
Don't you think?Copy !req
802. He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's- Oh, he got all of that one!Copy !req
803. He's gotta be pleased with that.
The crowd is just on its feet here.Copy !req
804. He's a Cinderella boy.Copy !req
805. Tears in his eyes, I guess,
as he lines up this last shot.Copy !req
806. He's got about 195 yards left
and he's gonna-Copy !req
807. Looks like he's got about an 8-iron.
This crowd has gone deadly silent.Copy !req
808. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.Copy !req
809. A former greenskeeper now about
to become the Masters champion.Copy !req
810. It looks like a mirac-
It's in the hole!Copy !req
811. - It's in the hole!
Hey, young fella...Copy !req
812. I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes
before this rain starts.Copy !req
813. Certainly, Your Eminency.Copy !req
814. - Take my bag, huh?
- Certainly, Your Magnificence.Copy !req
815. Okay, come on. Chop-chop.Copy !req
816. Let's go.Copy !req
817. You better put this on.
That's a great shot.Copy !req
818. Eureka!Copy !req
819. I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir.
You're really clubbing it.Copy !req
820. We better start moving.Copy !req
821. Did you see that? Miracle, eh?Copy !req
822. Nice shot, bishop. You must've
made a deal with the devil.Copy !req
823. You know, I could break
the club record, theoretically.Copy !req
824. You better come in until this blows over.Copy !req
825. - Well, what do you think, fella?
- I'd keep playing.Copy !req
826. I don't think the heavy stuff
will come down for a while.Copy !req
827. You're right.Copy !req
828. Anyway, the good Lord
would never disrupt...Copy !req
829. the best game of my life!Copy !req
830. I'm infallible, young fella!Copy !req
831. Come on, one more hole!Copy !req
832. Oh, rat farts!Copy !req
833. Danny?Copy !req
834. - Hi, Maggie.
- Hi.Copy !req
835. - You're here early.
- Yeah.Copy !req
836. Yeah, I...
I kind of slept here last night.Copy !req
837. Oh, Maggie.Copy !req
838. I'm in big trouble.Copy !req
839. Oh, yeah? Me too. I'm late.Copy !req
840. - Late for what?
- For not being pregnant.Copy !req
841. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
842. Well, I don't hold you responsible.Copy !req
843. It's my problem.Copy !req
844. I can handle it.Copy !req
845. - Danny.
- Oh, Mag.Copy !req
846. Maggie, look, look.Copy !req
847. I'm not gonna let you
go through this alone.Copy !req
848. - No!
- Whatever you decide.Copy !req
849. I'm gonna have it, I've already decided!Copy !req
850. Well, that's it then.Copy !req
851. - We'll just get married.
- Oh, God! That's all I need!Copy !req
852. - No, look, I want to, all right?
- No, you don't!Copy !req
853. - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't!Copy !req
854. Yes, I do!Copy !req
855. Look, I don't wanna get married, Danny!Copy !req
856. Come on, Maggie.
You're just saying that.Copy !req
857. No, I'm not! Look, Danny...Copy !req
858. it might not be yours. Okay?Copy !req
859. Maggie, you're making this up
about the other guys...Copy !req
860. so I won't have to feel guilty.
- I'm not making it up!Copy !req
861. - All right. I'm still willing to marry you!
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
862. - Yeah!
- Well, thanks for nothing!Copy !req
863. You're a good egg, Noonan.Copy !req
864. She needs you.Copy !req
865. Pick up that Kleenex.Copy !req
866. Good morning, Lou.
- Good morning.Copy !req
867. The judge would like to see Danny Noonan
as soon as he comes in.Copy !req
868. - I'm Danny Noonan.
- Would you come with me, please?Copy !req
869. - judge Smails, sir?
- Sit down, Danny.Copy !req
870. Danny, I think you know
why you're here...Copy !req
871. so I'll do us both the courtesy of
not reviewing what happened yesterday.Copy !req
872. I'm sorry.Copy !req
873. My niece is the kind of girl
that has a certain...Copy !req
874. zest for living. The last thing
any of us need right now...Copy !req
875. is loose talk about her behavior.Copy !req
876. I swear I didn't tell
anybody anything, sir.Copy !req
877. Good. Good, good.Copy !req
878. You know, despite what happened...Copy !req
879. I'm still convinced you have
many fine qualities...Copy !req
880. and I think you can still
become a gentleman someday.Copy !req
881. If you understand and abide
by the rules of decent society.Copy !req
882. Danny. Danny.Copy !req
883. There's a lot of...Copy !req
884. well, badness in the world today.Copy !req
885. I see it in court every day.Copy !req
886. I've sentenced boys younger than you
to the gas chamber.Copy !req
887. Didn't want to do it.
Felt I owed it to them.Copy !req
888. The most important decision
you can make is:Copy !req
889. What do you stand for, Danny...Copy !req
890. goodness or badness?Copy !req
891. I know I've made some mistakes
in the past. I'm willing to make up for that.Copy !req
892. - I wanna be good.
- Good!Copy !req
893. Good. Very good!Copy !req
894. You know...Copy !req
895. I know how hard it is for
young people today and I wanna help.Copy !req
896. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding.
He and I are regular pals.Copy !req
897. Are you my pal?Copy !req
898. Mr. Scholarship Winner?Copy !req
899. Yes, sir. I'm your pal.Copy !req
900. How about a Fresca? Eh?Copy !req
901. Another rob roy, bishop?Copy !req
902. You never ask a Navy man
if he'll have another drink...Copy !req
903. because it's nobody's
goddamn business...Copy !req
904. how many drinks
he's had already, right?Copy !req
905. Wrong! You're drinking
too much, Your Excellency.Copy !req
906. "Excellency. " Fiddlesticks.Copy !req
907. My name's Fred and I'm just a man,
same as you are.Copy !req
908. You're not a man!
You're a bishop, for God's sakes!Copy !req
909. There is no God.Copy !req
910. Oh, Webb-o man, I didn't see your name on
the sign-in sheet for the club tournament.Copy !req
911. I thought you'd be
the man to beat this year.Copy !req
912. Guess you'll just have to
keep beating yourself.Copy !req
913. Very good, yeah.Copy !req
914. Come on, honey. Let's go, huh?
Hey, boys, how are you?Copy !req
915. Hey, Al. How are you?Copy !req
916. Hey, we're both starving.
When do we eat?Copy !req
917. You! You.Copy !req
918. You have worn out your welcome
at Bushwood, sir.Copy !req
919. Is that so? Who made you
pope of this dump, huh?Copy !req
920. Bushwood, a dump?Copy !req
921. Well, I'll guarantee
you'll never be a member here.Copy !req
922. Member? Are you kidding? You think
I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"?Copy !req
923. Why, this whole place sucks!Copy !req
924. Su- Su- Su-Copy !req
925. Right, it sucks.
Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.Copy !req
926. Buy Bushwood? You!Copy !req
927. You baboon! You beast!Copy !req
928. Okay, break it up.Copy !req
929. - I get no respect from anyone.
- Please. What's going on?Copy !req
930. He tried to choke me. You saw it.Copy !req
931. He called me a baboon.
Thinks I'm his wife.Copy !req
932. - I'm calling the police.
- Call the chief of police, I built his condo!Copy !req
933. - Out. I want him out of here.
- He wants you out.Copy !req
934. Guys, judge!
Come on, let's be adults here.Copy !req
935. Let's not mess the place up.
Let's go to your office.Copy !req
936. I'll make some drinks for us all.
We'll talk about it. Come on.Copy !req
937. Danny!Copy !req
938. - Danny.
- Maggie.Copy !req
939. Maggie, you flipping out?Copy !req
940. No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant.Copy !req
941. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
942. Listen, you were sweet.
I'm sorry I was hard on you.Copy !req
943. No, I deserved it.
I've been acting like a jerk.Copy !req
944. - I hate myself. I'll get that scholarship.
- That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
945. No. I've been a creep lately
and I just can't help it.Copy !req
946. - You're not a creep, Noonan.
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
947. - No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.Copy !req
948. - All right, maybe you are a little bit.
- Well...Copy !req
949. Listen, you're good deep down.
I know you'll do the right thing.Copy !req
950. Thank you, Maggie.Copy !req
951. I demand satisfaction.
Oh, you want satisfaction?Copy !req
952. I'll tell you what's real satisfying, cash.Copy !req
953. I'll shoot you 18 holes
for 10,000 bucks.Copy !req
954. Why, I could beat you with one arm.Copy !req
955. How about teams then for $20,000?
You can have Dr. Frankenputts.Copy !req
956. - I beg your pardon.
- And I'll take Ty here.Copy !req
957. - Hey, fellas. Don't include me in on it.
- Ty.Copy !req
958. Come on. You're an ace.
Everybody knows it.Copy !req
959. I- I don't play golf for money
against people.Copy !req
960. What are you, religious or something?Copy !req
961. You might say that. Excuse me.Copy !req
962. Excuse me. Excuse me.
- I got it.Copy !req
963. Ty, can I have a word with you?
In private.Copy !req
964. Sure thing, judge.Copy !req
965. - Ty.
- judge.Copy !req
966. Ty.Copy !req
967. Ty, your father and I prepped together...Copy !req
968. went to war together,
we played golf together.Copy !req
969. We built this club, he and I.Copy !req
970. Now, let's face it, son. Some people...Copy !req
971. simply do not belong.Copy !req
972. Let's not cave in too easy.Copy !req
973. Well, what do you say, Ty?Copy !req
974. Let's make it 40,000.Copy !req
975. Hey, great!Copy !req
976. You know, judge...Copy !req
977. my dad never liked you.Copy !req
978. I'll see you two tomorrow morning
on the golf course.Copy !req
979. Hey, beautiful. Beautiful.Copy !req
980. I have to laugh...Copy !req
981. because I've often asked myself...Copy !req
982. My foe, my enemy, is an animal...Copy !req
983. and in order to conquer him...Copy !req
984. I have to think like an animal.Copy !req
985. And whenever possible to look like one.Copy !req
986. I gotta get inside this dude's pelt
and crawl around for a few days.Copy !req
987. Who is the gopher's ally, his friend?Copy !req
988. The harmless squirrel
and the friendly rabbit.Copy !req
989. I'm gonna use you two guys...Copy !req
990. to do my dirty work for me.Copy !req
991. Look at it. It's the gopher.Copy !req
992. Hello?Copy !req
993. There she is. There she is.Copy !req
994. This is it. It's a Titleist.Copy !req
995. Twenty thousand dollars.
Twenty thousand dollars.Copy !req
996. All right, show yourself,
you little varmint.Copy !req
997. If you got the guts.Copy !req
998. You son of a bitch. Where'd you go?Copy !req
999. Oh, hi, Carl. How you doing?Copy !req
1000. Oh, hi. Hi.Copy !req
1001. Mind if I play through?Copy !req
1002. Go right ahead. Are you getting in
a late night or something?Copy !req
1003. Yeah, I was just loosening up.Copy !req
1004. Was that your ball
I heard rambling through?Copy !req
1005. Yeah. Did you see my ball in here?Copy !req
1006. - Titleist?
- That's it.Copy !req
1007. - Yeah, it's right here.
- This your place, Carl?Copy !req
1008. Yeah, what do you think?Copy !req
1009. It's really... It's really awful.Copy !req
1010. Well, I have a lot of things on order.
You know, credit trouble.Copy !req
1011. I'm an assistant greenskeeper.Copy !req
1012. Doesn't mean anything
until I'm the head greenskeeper.Copy !req
1013. - Can you give me a ruling on this?
- Sit down.Copy !req
1014. No, I don't wanna stick to anything.Copy !req
1015. - Here, take this thing off. This is dirty.
- Don't go to too much trouble, please.Copy !req
1016. - Here, fire up.
- With my lips?Copy !req
1017. - Yeah.
- I don't think so, Carl.Copy !req
1018. - just right back.
- If I could borrow a wedge or something.Copy !req
1019. If you can open a curtain,
I can get through that window.Copy !req
1020. People say I'm an idiot or something...Copy !req
1021. because all I do
is cut lawns for a living.Copy !req
1022. Oh, people don't say that about you
as far as you know.Copy !req
1023. Well, I'm working on it
so I don't ever have to...Copy !req
1024. I'm gonna be head greenskeeper, hopefully
within six years. That's my schedule.Copy !req
1025. But I'm studying this stuff so I know it.
You know, like...Copy !req
1026. you know, chinch bugs. You know...Copy !req
1027. manganese. A lot of people
don't even know what that is.Copy !req
1028. - Great, Carl. Could I get a-?
- Nitrogen.Copy !req
1029. Just open a curtain
and I can just get out of here.Copy !req
1030. I invented my own kind of grass too.
Did you know that? Look at this.Copy !req
1031. - This is registered. Carl Spackler bent.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1032. I've felt grass like this before.
I've played on this stuff.Copy !req
1033. This is a hybrid.
This is a cross, bluegrass...Copy !req
1034. Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent...Copy !req
1035. and northern California sinsemilla.Copy !req
1036. The amazing stuff about this...Copy !req
1037. is that you can play 36 holes
on it in the afternoon...Copy !req
1038. take it home and just get stoned
to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff.Copy !req
1039. - I got pounds of this stuff. Here.
- No. Thank you. I don't- I don't-Copy !req
1040. Let's have a little bit. I got the big
Bob Marley joint. Here, try this.Copy !req
1041. Carl, I really don't do this very often.Copy !req
1042. You're gonna love it. This is dynamite.Copy !req
1043. Well, maybe one drag, then I gotta go.Copy !req
1044. It's a little harsh. Here, cannonball it.Copy !req
1045. Cannonball it right back.Copy !req
1046. Then one more of these right on top of it.
Cannonball! Cannonball coming.Copy !req
1047. No.Copy !req
1048. Carl...Copy !req
1049. could I have a drop?
Just a drop myself.Copy !req
1050. That's fine for me. That's good.Copy !req
1051. Can I say something to you frank?Copy !req
1052. Ty, Frank.Copy !req
1053. You've been acting psychotically lately.Copy !req
1054. What the hell? Why?Copy !req
1055. I've been under strain.
I gotta play with Smails tomorrow...Copy !req
1056. - Smails?
in a money match. No.Copy !req
1057. Thing to do with Smails...
He bothers you, I'll take care of him.Copy !req
1058. What you gotta do to Smails is cut
the hamstring on the back of his leg...Copy !req
1059. right at the bottom.
He'll never play golf again.Copy !req
1060. Because he goes back,
his weight displacement goes back...Copy !req
1061. he stays there. All his weight's
on his right, he'll push everything right.Copy !req
1062. He'll never come through.
He'll quit the game.Copy !req
1063. That would work.
I'm gonna call you if I need help.Copy !req
1064. But, seriously, no B. S...Copy !req
1065. you ever wanna rap, just talk
or just get weird with somebody...Copy !req
1066. buddies for life.Copy !req
1067. I'll drop by. You drop by
my place anytime.Copy !req
1068. What's your address?
You're around Briar, right?Copy !req
1069. Briar, 2.Copy !req
1070. You got a pool over there?Copy !req
1071. We have a pond in the back.
We have a pool and a pond.Copy !req
1072. A pond would be good for you.
Natural spring.Copy !req
1073. Oh, yeah. Or the pool or a pond.
Anything would be good.Copy !req
1074. Well, I'm gonna clean this up.Copy !req
1075. You go ahead, clean up. It looks
fine to me. Thanks for the dope.Copy !req
1076. Fore!Copy !req
1077. Danny, you carry my bag.Copy !req
1078. What the-? Who the-?Copy !req
1079. Get back there. What do you think
you're doing? Get off of here!Copy !req
1080. - Good morning, judge.
- This is a golf course, not a parking lot!Copy !req
1081. You back this thing
out of here right now!Copy !req
1082. Okay. Hey, look at that.Copy !req
1083. Don't play games with me, Ty.Copy !req
1084. Put that steering wheel where it belongs,
and get this out of here!Copy !req
1085. - I got it, judge.
I'm sorry I'm late.Copy !req
1086. Let's play golf!Copy !req
1087. Ow-! Do it! I didn't do that.Copy !req
1088. - Oh, there's my phone.
- I'm getting tired-Copy !req
1089. Gentlemen, it's about time-Copy !req
1090. I told you, never call me
on the golf course. What's that?Copy !req
1091. Then sell, sell, sell! They're all selling?
Then buy, buy, buy!Copy !req
1092. - Let me have the Coast.
- Can we start now?Copy !req
1093. - Gentlemen.
- What do you want?Copy !req
1094. - Gentlemen.
- Can I use your phone?Copy !req
1095. - Gentlemen!
- Is it long distance?Copy !req
1096. Hey!Copy !req
1097. Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal
and against club practice.Copy !req
1098. And I'd like to ask at this time...Copy !req
1099. if you gentlemen all agree
to waive all sanction against said referee...Copy !req
1100. or anything that might get me fired.Copy !req
1101. Agreed.Copy !req
1102. Fine. The match is for $20,000 each.Copy !req
1103. Lowest score wins the hole
in regulation match play.Copy !req
1104. I have a number of tees in my hand.
Your Honor, odd or even?Copy !req
1105. - Odd!
- Odd it is.Copy !req
1106. Your honor, Your Honor.Copy !req
1107. Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?Copy !req
1108. No, I can't accept this.Copy !req
1109. Driver, please.Copy !req
1110. Danny.Copy !req
1111. Don't smile at me a lot, okay?Copy !req
1112. Say, the judge and Mr. Czervik,
$100,000 match going on.Copy !req
1113. - You're kidding.
- No.Copy !req
1114. Now, what you wanna do?Copy !req
1115. - Five, Mr. Czek.
- Five, Mr. Czek.Copy !req
1116. - You got it?
- Got it.Copy !req
1117. Hello? Anybody home?Copy !req
1118. Hello, Mr. Gopher?Copy !req
1119. Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel.Copy !req
1120. Yeah. Hi.
Just a harmless squirrel...Copy !req
1121. not a plastic explosive or anything.
Nothing to be worried about.Copy !req
1122. I'm just here to make your last hours
on earth as peaceful as possible.Copy !req
1123. Yes, don't mind this.
This is doctor's orders and so forth.Copy !req
1124. You don't mind if I just pop
in there for a few laughs?Copy !req
1125. Yeah, that's right.
Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre:Copy !req
1126. "Au revoir, gopher. "Copy !req
1127. This is sweet.
This is gonna be sweet.Copy !req
1128. Hey!Copy !req
1129. That kangaroo stole my ball!Copy !req
1130. All right!Copy !req
1131. What's up, doc?Copy !req
1132. I tell you, I don't understand it.
I'm playing the worst game of my life.Copy !req
1133. Hey. Don't put yourself down, Al.Copy !req
1134. You're not- You're not-Copy !req
1135. You're not good. You stink.Copy !req
1136. Say, fifty bucks,
the Smails kid picks his nose.Copy !req
1137. Come on, buddy. Here he comes.Copy !req
1138. Don't do it.
- All right, kid, take your time.Copy !req
1139. Come on, come on. Yeah.Copy !req
1140. - Fifty bucks more says he eats it.
- You're on.Copy !req
1141. - He eats.
- You're on.Copy !req
1142. Now, don't do it, kid. Don't!Copy !req
1143. - Don't do it!
Come on.Copy !req
1144. - There he goes. He's going for it.
Yeah!Copy !req
1145. What a pig!Copy !req
1146. - Man, that kid'll eat anything.
Yes, he was hungry.Copy !req
1147. What do you say, Al?Copy !req
1148. - Shall we press on?
- Hey, judge, cheer up, will you?Copy !req
1149. My boat needs exactly $20,000
worth of repairs.Copy !req
1150. And so does your brain.
You wanna double it?Copy !req
1151. - Fine! Forty thousand apiece.
- All right.Copy !req
1152. - Forty thousand. Forty thousand.
- Let's go. You got it.Copy !req
1153. - All right.
- Hold on, judge, I mean-Copy !req
1154. - That's my office. I better get going.
- No. You're in for half of 80,000.Copy !req
1155. Probably just a routine emergency.Copy !req
1156. Why'd I double it?Copy !req
1157. I tell you, I should have stayed home
and played with myself.Copy !req
1158. Ty, I saw Smails before.
He was cheating.Copy !req
1159. Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny.Copy !req
1160. Except, of course, me.Copy !req
1161. - Oh, my arm. It's broken!
Good Lord...Copy !req
1162. what has this buffoon done now?
- Let's have a look at that.Copy !req
1163. Well, that might be a fractured ulna.Copy !req
1164. - I'm afraid you forfeit.
- Who says so? The match is a draw.Copy !req
1165. No, you don't.
You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou?Copy !req
1166. That's right, Your Honor.
Unless you wanna allow him a substitute.Copy !req
1167. Eh? Oh, well...
Spaulding can play out his holes.Copy !req
1168. Actually, judge, I think it's up to us
to pick our substitute.Copy !req
1169. - What do you want?
- Sonja Henie's out.Copy !req
1170. We'll take Danny Noonan.Copy !req
1171. Danny is an employee of the club.
He can't work and play...Copy !req
1172. particularly in something this illegal.
- Makes a lot of sense, judge.Copy !req
1173. Hey, kid, if you win,
I'll make it worth your while.Copy !req
1174. Well?Copy !req
1175. I'll play.Copy !req
1176. - Guess you didn't want that scholarship?
- I guess I don't.Copy !req
1177. I guess you don't. I guess you don't.Copy !req
1178. Don't worry, it's good luck.Copy !req
1179. In Haiti.Copy !req
1180. You're gonna have to win this hole.Copy !req
1181. - I kind of thought winning wasn't important.
- Me winning isn't! You do.Copy !req
1182. - Great grammar.
- Danny.Copy !req
1183. See your future. Be your future.Copy !req
1184. Make... Make-
Make it! Make it.Copy !req
1185. Make your future, Danny.
I'm- I'm a veg, Danny.Copy !req
1186. Give me this.
Take it easy, will you, Ty?Copy !req
1187. Hey, Mr. Gopher?Copy !req
1188. Gentlemen, this match is all even.Copy !req
1189. Final hole. Doctor, you are away.Copy !req
1190. Spaulding, this calls
for the old Billy Baroo.Copy !req
1191. Billy, Billy, Billy.Copy !req
1192. Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.Copy !req
1193. This is a biggie.Copy !req
1194. Don't let me down, Billy.Copy !req
1195. Forty thousand dollars, Billy.Copy !req
1196. I knew you'd do it!Copy !req
1197. These are men
America's bestCopy !req
1198. Don't worry about this one.Copy !req
1199. If you miss it, we lose.Copy !req
1200. Hey, judge,
double or nothing he makes it.Copy !req
1201. - Eighty thousand.
What?Copy !req
1202. What's that, judge?Copy !req
1203. You're on! You're on!Copy !req
1204. Well...Copy !req
1205. we're waiting.Copy !req
1206. Noonan, you can do it.Copy !req
1207. You lose it, buddy.Copy !req
1208. We did it! We did it!Copy !req
1209. Fore.Copy !req
1210. It's a birdie!Copy !req
1211. All right, Smails, that's 80 grand.
Now fork it over.Copy !req
1212. I'll give you nothing.
Absolutely, you understand, nothing!Copy !req
1213. I figured as much. Hey, Moose, Rocco!Copy !req
1214. Help the judge find his checkbook.Copy !req
1215. Oh. Well, I- You- I will.Copy !req
1216. Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!Copy !req