1. Uh-oh.
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2. All right, kids! Rise and shine!
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3. Let's go, everybody. Let's go.
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4. Come on, girls! Enough with the hair.
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5. Hi, Mom.
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6. Hit the deck. Hit the deck!
Let's go, girls.
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7. Let's go, everybody. Come on.
Come on. Wake up.
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8. Come on, let's go.
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9. Okay. Let's go!
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10. Danny, turn off that radio!
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11. Uppy, uppy, uppy!
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12. Come on, come on, move, move.
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13. Thanks. Hey, Deb,
I talked to Pete Scalary last night.
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14. He's gonna get that training bra
back real soon. Who's in here?
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15. - Oh, gosh. Shut up!
- Danny, get out! Mom! Mom!
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16. - Danny saw me naked!
- Stop.
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17. You think you're cool, Danny.
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18. Who are you? What's your name?
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19. - Dennis.
- Dennis?
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20. - Brush your teeth?
- All of them.
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21. - When are you gonna get that haircut?
- Honey, who is this?
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22. - That's your nephew.
- What are we running, a restaurant?
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23. - Did you get out yesterday?
- Yes. Twice.
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24. I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning
and I had doubles in the afternoon.
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25. - How much is that?
- It's about 30 bucks plus tips.
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26. Well, put it in the college fund.
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27. You're like a three-year-old! You have to
tell him every time he gets money.
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28. As soon as you guys get back from
Little League, let's get some painting done.
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29. The Douglases got fake brick.
You don't have to paint it.
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30. Hooray for the Douglases!
Oh, come on, Jonathan. Bad boy.
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31. Why don't you give the St. Copius
scholarship people a call?
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32. I don't know about that place.
I talked to a guy who went.
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33. He said there were two girls
and they were both nuns.
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34. Ah! I saw that! That's about
10 bucks and change.
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35. I had a couple of burgers
and some Cokes for lunch.
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36. - How many Cokes?
- Four or five.
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37. - What are you, a diabetic?
- I don't know.
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38. You're not leaving
until we settle the college thing.
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39. If he doesn't have something lined up
by September...
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40. I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick
to put him on at the lumberyard.
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41. He's not gonna work at the lumberyard.
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42. He isn't gonna be a caddy all his life, is he?
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43. Hey, Mr. Webb,
can I ask you something?
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44. Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
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45. - Danny.
- Danny.
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46. When you were my age,
did you ever have trouble...
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47. deciding what you wanted
to do with your life?
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48. No, I've never had that problem really.
Why?
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49. Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.
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50. - You take drugs?
- Every day.
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51. - Good. So what's the problem?
- I don't know.
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52. Did you have to take that Cooter
Preference Test when you were a senior?
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53. Oh, yeah, I took it. They said
I should be a fire watcher.
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54. - What are you supposed to be?
- An underachiever.
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55. - I gotta go to college. I gotta.
- Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.
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56. - This isn't Russia, is it?
- No.
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57. I didn't think so. No, the thing is,
really, do you wanna go to college?
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58. Ugh. In Nebraska?
Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.
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59. Hold on. I think I lent you,
what, $2.50 yesterday?
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60. I can't foot the bill for everything,
so don't ask for money.
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61. My dad can't afford it. I haven't told him
about the scholarship I didn't get.
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62. I'll end up working in a lumberyard.
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63. What's wrong with lumber?
I own two lumberyards.
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64. - You don't spend too much time there.
- I'm not sure where they are.
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65. Ah.
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66. - I like you, Betty.
- That's Danny, sir.
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67. Danny. I'm gonna give
you a little advice.
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68. There's a force in the universe
that makes things happen...
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69. and all you have to do
is get in touch with it.
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70. Stop thinking, let things happen...
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71. and be the ball.
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72. - Danny. Danny?
- Sir. Sir.
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73. - Where's the wedge?
- Right here, sir.
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74. Thank you, Danny.
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75. Find your center.
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76. Hear nothing, feel nothing.
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77. That is kind of incredible, sir.
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78. - You try, Danny.
- Pardon me.
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79. Pardon you? Here, you try it.
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80. - Oh, I don't know.
- Go ahead.
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81. Just relax. Find your center.
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82. Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it.
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83. Turn off all the sound.
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84. Just let it happen. Be the ball.
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85. Be the ball, Danny. You're
not being the ball, Danny.
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86. - It's kind of difficult with you talking.
- Okay.
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87. I'm not talking. Stop talking.
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88. I'm not talking now.
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89. Be the ball.
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90. Where'd it go?
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91. Right in the lumberyard.
It's okay. We'll work on it.
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92. - McFiddish!
- Sir.
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93. - Do you know what I just saw?
- No, sir.
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94. - A gopher!
- Gopher? Where?
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95. Do you know what gophers
can do to a golf course?
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96. Aye, sir. I think they're tunneling in
from that construction site over yonder.
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97. Czervik Construction Company?
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98. I'll slap an injunction on them so fast
it'll make their heads spin. And you ....
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99. You get rid of those gophers...
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100. or I'll be looking for a new
greenskeeper. Is that clear?
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101. - Aye, sir! Very clear, sir.
- Yeah.
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102. I'll put my best man on it!
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103. Mrs. Crane...
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104. I'm looking at you.
You wore green so you could hide.
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105. I don't blame you. You're a tramp.
Oh, that was a good one.
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106. Oh, that was right where you wanted it.
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107. Mrs. Crane, you're a little
monkey woman, you know that?
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108. You're a little monkey woman.
You're lean...
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109. and you're mean and you're not too far
between either I bet, are you, huh?
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110. Would you like to wrap your spikes
around my head?
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111. Carl!
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112. Damn your eyes, man!
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113. I told you to cut the long grass on the
thirteenth and to mow the practice green.
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114. I was unavoidably detained.
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115. You can forget about the thirteenth
and the practice green.
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116. I've got a more important job for you.
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117. I want you to kill every gopher
on the course.
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118. Check me if I'm wrong,
but if I kill all the golfers...
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119. they're gonna lock me up.
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120. Gophers! Not golfers!
The little brown furry rodents.
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121. We can do that.
We don't even have to have a reason.
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122. Do it, man!
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123. I'll just do the same thing,
but with gophers.
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124. It's not my fault nobody can
understand what you're saying.
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125. Give me the Mets in three
and I'll take the Yankees even.
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126. I'll call you back.
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127. Caddyshack.
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128. Yeah.
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129. What do you got?
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130. All right. I'll be right up.
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131. - Noonan.
- Yeah, Lou?
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132. Take over for me.
I'll be right back.
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133. Joe, people.
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134. So I jump ship in Hong Kong...
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135. and I make my way over to Tibet...
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136. and I get on as a looper
at a course in the Himalayas.
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137. A looper?
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138. A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper...
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139. a jock.
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140. So I tell them I'm a pro jock and
who do you think they give me?
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141. The Dalai Lama himself.
The twelfth son of the Lama.
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142. The flowing robes, the grace, bald...
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143. striking. So I'm on the first tee with him.
I give him the driver.
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144. He hauls off and whacks one.
Big hitter, the Lama. Long.
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145. Into a 10,000 foot crevice right
at the base of this glacier.
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146. - Do you know what the Lama says?
- No.
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147. So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me.
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148. And I say, "Hey, Lama! Hey!
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149. How about a little something,
you know, for the effort?"
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150. And he says, "Oh, there
won't be any money...
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151. but when you die, on your deathbed...
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152. you will receive total consciousness."
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153. So I got that going for me.
Which is nice.
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154. Your ball's right over there.
Go straight and you can't miss it.
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155. Mrs. Havercamp. You go
that way and it's right over—
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156. - Mrs.-- Mrs. Havercamp. You need this.
- Oh, I might, at that.
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157. Yeah.
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158. Mr. Havercamp. Mr. Havercamp,
your ball's right over here, sir.
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159. It's right there.
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160. No, Mr. Havercamp, the green
is right over there. It's that way.
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161. Look, sir, just bend a little bit that way
and swing away...
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162. and just straight up. That's fine.
Great.
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163. Wee!
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164. That's a peach, hon.
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165. Oh, golly, I'm hot today.
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166. What'd they do, die on you, Tony?
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167. I can't pay you. Lou has to.
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168. - Where is he?
- He's out.
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169. I can see that he's out, numbnuts.
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170. Give me a Coke.
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171. One Coke.
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172. Hey, wait a minute.
That's only 50 cents.
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173. Lou raised the price of Coke.
He's been losing at the track.
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174. Ha, ha. Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents
for no Coke!
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175. Ha, ha. Then you ain't getting no Coke.
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176. Know what I'm talking about?
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177. You've had it, Noonan.
Come on, open up this door.
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178. - Open up this door!
- Watch it, jerk!
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179. Jerk?
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180. - Come on out, Noonan!
- Whoa! Bite it, baby.
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181. Hey, what's going on?
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182. Open up, Noonan. Come on.
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183. - Hey, Lou.
- Out.
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184. - Sure you don't need me for nothing?
- No.
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185. Hi, guy.
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186. Oh.
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187. Hey, I think you and I ought to
go outside and have a little talk.
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188. - Talk? Okay.
- Yeah.
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189. My friend, you have no idea how
happy this is gonna make me.
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190. - I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.
- I hope that means the both of us.
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191. Couldn't we just arm wrestle
or something?
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192. That's my brother!
Come here. Give me a hand.
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193. - Whip his ass, Tony!
- Okay, Noonan.
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194. Now, who'd you say the jerk was, jerk?
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195. Get him!
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196. What is this?
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197. - What's the sign say?
- No bare feet.
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198. - What's that sign say?
- No fighting.
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199. - What's it mean?
- No fighting.
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200. You owe me one gumball machine.
What's that candy wrapper doing there?
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201. Don't you see it?
Well, pick it up!
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202. I'm gonna put it right on the line.
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203. There have been a lot
of complaints already.
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204. Fooling around on the course,
bad language...
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205. smoking grass, poor caddying.
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206. So if you guys wanna get fired...
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207. if you wanna be replaced
by golf carts, just keep it up.
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208. One announcement:
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209. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer
school from a severe anxiety attack.
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210. I heard he swallowed his vomit
during a test.
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211. However it happened, he was
a good caddy and a good kid.
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212. He was a brown nose, Lou.
You hated him.
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213. Shut up.
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214. That means the caddy scholarship
is available again...
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215. and anyone who's interested
should go see Judge Smails.
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216. And kiss his ass.
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217. That would help.
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218. Let's move out.
We got golfers waiting.
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219. Let's go. You, Angie, pick up that blood.
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220. Hey, Lou...
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221. what kind of grades do I need
for this caddy scholarship deal?
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222. If you've been a good caddy,
I think they're lenient.
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223. We're about to tee off now.
So call the hospital...
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224. and move my appointment with
Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.
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225. What? Oh, well...
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226. Just snake a tube down her nose
and I'll be there...
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227. in four or five hours.
Testing now.
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228. Three, two, one, check.
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229. Do you have any eights?
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230. Don't you have homes?
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231. - Porterhouse?
- Yes, sir.
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232. There's a brown Audi
parked in my parking space.
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233. Get a tow truck and
have it hauled away immediately.
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234. Right away, judge.
Right away, sir. Yes, sir.
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235. - Oh, Porterhouse!
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir, judge. Yes, sir.
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236. Look at the wax build-up
on those shoes.
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237. This is fine leather.
I want that wax stripped off.
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238. I want them creamed and
buffed with a fine chamois...
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239. - . . . and I want them now. Chop-chop!
- You've got them, judge.
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240. Spaulding, get dressed.
You're playing golf.
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241. No, I'm not, Grandpa.
I'm playing tennis.
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242. You're playing golf and you'll like it.
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243. - What about my asthma?
- I'll give you asthma.
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244. - Ty, what did you shoot today?
- I don't keep score, judge.
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245. Well, how do you measure yourself
with other golfers?
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246. By height.
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247. You know, you should play
with Dr. Beeper and myself.
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248. He's been club champion
for three years running...
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249. and I'm no slouch myself.
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250. Don't sell yourself short, judge.
You're a tremendous slouch.
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251. Oh, say, Fred.
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252. Have you heard the one...
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253. about the Jew, the Catholic and
the colored boy who went to heaven?
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254. Yeah.
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255. That's a doozy, judge.
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256. Colored boy? Why, you son of a bitch.
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257. I'll fix you, you little—
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258. Colored boy.
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259. Here you are, kid. Park my car.
Get my bags.
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260. And put on some weight, will you?
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261. Hey, Wang, what's with the pictures?
It's a parking lot! Come on, will you?
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262. I think this place is restricted, Wang, so
don't tell them you're Jewish, okay? Fine.
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263. I'm Al Czervik.
I'm playing with Drew Scott today...
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264. and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.
No offense.
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265. Give me half a dozen
of those Vulcan D-10s...
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266. and set my friend up
with the whole schmeer.
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267. You know, clubs, bags, shoes...
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268. gloves, shirt, pants.
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269. Orange balls!
I'll have a box of those.
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270. A box of naked-lady tees.
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271. And give me two of those.
Give me six of those.
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272. This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw.
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273. You buy a hat like this, I'll bet
you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
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274. Oh, it looks good on you though.
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275. Okay. Judge Smails, Smails III...
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276. Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.
Who wants it?
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277. - Yeah, I'll do it. Right here.
- I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.
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278. Oh! Brown nose. Brown nose.
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279. Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.
Hey, thanks, Lou.
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280. John, you take the Bish.
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281. - This is ridiculous. Let me carry that one.
- No, I can do it.
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282. - You sure?
- Yeah.
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283. - Oh.
- Madonna with meatballs.
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284. Turds!
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285. Spaulding! How many times
have I told you about your language?
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286. - Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot.
- Lacey.
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287. Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper,
this is my niece, Lacey Underall.
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288. Lacey's mother has sent her to us
for the summer.
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289. It must be a nice change
from dreary old Manhattan.
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290. Yes. I was getting really tired
of having fun all the time.
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291. Ah.
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292. - Double turds!
- Spaulding!
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293. Hey, so where do we tee off?
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294. - Al. Al.
- How are you?
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295. We're all set to go.
You know my friend?
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296. - Sure, sure.
- How you doing? Okay. Right, right.
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297. Are we waiting for these guys?
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298. Hey, whitey, where's your hat?
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299. Let's go, while we're young!
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300. You mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.
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301. I bet you slice it into the woods,
a hundred bucks.
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302. Gambling is illegal at Bushwood,
sir, and I never slice.
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303. - Damn!
- Okay, you can owe me.
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304. I owe you nothing!
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305. Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?
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306. - You want your driver?
- No, he's not my type.
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307. Hey, that's a joke. I'm kidding.
Yeah, give me the driver, will you?
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308. All right, place your bets, place your bets.
Here we are.
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309. - Don't count that. I was interfered with.
- Yes, sir.
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310. Goddamn it!
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311. By the way, what did Mr. Webb
shoot this morning?
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312. He doesn't keep score, sir.
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313. - Yes, I know, but just guess. Eighty, 75?
- Shit!
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314. More like 68, I think.
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315. - I don't believe it. Really?
- Damn it!
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316. - Oh, yes.
- Shit!
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317. Why not improve your lie a little?
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318. - Yes, Yes. Winter rules.
- Oh, yes.
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319. Double farts!
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320. Ah.
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321. - Fore!
- That's a fine shot.
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322. Ah! Oh!
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323. I should have yelled "two."
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324. - Why don't we walk this off, sir?
- Ooh.
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325. - What you got in here, rocks?
- When I was your age...
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326. I would lug 50 pounds of ice
up five, six flights of stairs.
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327. - So what?
- So what?
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328. So let's dance!
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329. Bah!
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330. Now what the devil—?
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331. The man's a menace.
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332. Cut that off!
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333. Music is a violation of our personal
privacy. He's breaking the law.
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334. Really?
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335. I've always been fascinated
with the law.
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336. Oh, really? What areas?
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337. Oh, all areas.
Personal privacy, noise statutes.
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338. I planned to go to law school
after I graduated...
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339. but looks like my folks won't have
enough money to put me through college.
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340. Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too.
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341. Nice try.
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342. Great big gobs of greasy, grimy
gopher guts.
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343. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?
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344. Scum, slime,
menace to the golfing industry.
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345. You're a disgrace.
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346. You're varmints. You're one of the
lowest members of the food chain.
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347. You'll probably be replaced by the rat.
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348. Well, I have been pushed.
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349. It's about time somebody
teach these varmints...
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350. a little lesson about morality...
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351. and about what it's like to be a
decent upstanding member of a society.
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352. Come to Carl, varmint.
Come to Carl.
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353. Ah!
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354. Okay. I guess we're
playing for keeps now.
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355. I guess the kidding around
is pretty much over, huh?
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356. I guess it's just a matter now of pumping
15,000 gallons of water down there...
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357. to teach you a little bit of a lesson.
Is that it? I think it is!
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358. Oh.
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359. - You guys are brothers, huh?
- Yeah.
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360. What is this, a family business or what?
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361. You know, they say for Italians
this is skilled labor, you know that?
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362. No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.
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363. My doctor told me to get out and
carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
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364. Oh, you're a funny kid, you know.
What time you due back in Boys Town?
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365. Here we are now.
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366. Albert Einstein gave me this, you know.
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367. Yeah. Nice man, nice man.
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368. Made a fortune in physics.
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369. Boom!
All right! Hey!
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370. I'll tell you, son,
my main satisfaction...
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371. is working with young people like
yourself at our new Youtheran Center.
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372. Why don't you drop by some time?
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373. I've often thought of
entering the priesthood.
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374. Oh, are you Roman Catholic?
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375. Oh, then I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid you can't come.
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376. Go for it.
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377. You know, I've often thought
of becoming a golf club.
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378. Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units
in the next two years.
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379. I bet they'd love a great
shopping mall right here.
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380. Condos over there. Plenty of parking.
Copy !req
381. I'll tell you, country clubs and cemeteries,
biggest wastes of prime real estate.
Copy !req
382. Dead people. They don't wanna be
buried nowadays. Ecology, right?
Copy !req
383. Ask Wang, he'll tell you.
We bought property...
Copy !req
384. right behind the Great Wall.
On the good side.
Copy !req
385. I want a hamburger.
Copy !req
386. No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog.
Copy !req
387. I want a milkshake.
Copy !req
388. - I want potato—
- You'll get nothing and like it!
Copy !req
389. Danny. Danny, stop it.
The judge will see you.
Copy !req
390. You going out with me tonight?
Copy !req
391. Yeah, up to my room?
I gotta work in the dining room tonight.
Copy !req
392. Come work with me!
You can bus tables.
Copy !req
393. - I've never done that.
- It's easy.
Copy !req
394. You fill the water glass,
you replace the butter.
Copy !req
395. If they drop a fork,
you give them another.
Copy !req
396. I don't think I can handle that.
Copy !req
397. All right!
Copy !req
398. Put me down for five.
Copy !req
399. Now, if I can just make this one.
Copy !req
400. Hey, Smails!
Copy !req
401. A thousand bucks, you miss that putt.
Copy !req
402. Of all the nerve!
Copy !req
403. Come here.
What'd he say?
Copy !req
404. They're betting.
He has $1000 for the challenge.
Copy !req
405. Aw.
Missed it.
Copy !req
406. You! You! You!
Copy !req
407. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
408. Jeez.
Copy !req
409. - I did not throw it!
- If you didn't...
Copy !req
410. - . . .how did it get here?
- It slipped!
Copy !req
411. - Slipped!
- What's the problem?
Copy !req
412. He almost killed my wife
with his damn club!
Copy !req
413. It was an accident.
It slipped out of my hands.
Copy !req
414. I noticed your grips were worn.
I should have mentioned it.
Copy !req
415. I could put some stickum
on there for you. It's my fault.
Copy !req
416. Uh. It's a good idea.
Next time be more careful!
Copy !req
417. Kids! What are you gonna do?
Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened.
Copy !req
418. I'll pay for your lunch
and I'll pay for the umbrella.
Copy !req
419. Danny, I'll see you at the table.
I'll sign your card.
Copy !req
420. Sir.
Copy !req
421. Thanks for helping me. You're a good
caddy. Something to be very proud of.
Copy !req
422. Hey, you know we're giving another
caddy scholarship this year?
Copy !req
423. Yes. I heard something about that,
sir, but my grades in high school...
Copy !req
424. weren't that outstanding.
Copy !req
425. There are more important
things than grades.
Copy !req
426. Winning the caddy tournament,
for instance.
Copy !req
427. It might look pretty good
on a young fella's application.
Copy !req
428. - I'm sure gonna try, sir.
- This is for you.
Copy !req
429. You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him.
Copy !req
430. He's as good as he says he is,
he's gotta play me to prove it.
Copy !req
431. Okay, I will, sir.
Copy !req
432. - Good boy. Good boy.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Copy !req
433. Licensed to kill gophers by the
government of the United Nations.
Copy !req
434. Man free to kill gophers at will.
Copy !req
435. To kill, you must know your enemy.
Copy !req
436. In this case, my enemy is a varmint.
Copy !req
437. And a varmint will never quit.
Copy !req
438. Ever. They're like the Viet Cong.
Copy !req
439. Varmint Cong.
Copy !req
440. So what you gotta do,
you gotta fall back...
Copy !req
441. on superior firepower...
Copy !req
442. and superior intelligence.
Copy !req
443. And that's all she wrote.
Copy !req
444. - You gonna eat your fat?
- Spaulding.
Copy !req
445. You're looking lovely
this evening, Mrs. Smails.
Copy !req
446. Why, thank you, doctor.
Copy !req
447. Lacey, you'd be interested to know
this uniform was given to me...
Copy !req
448. by the captain of the links
of St. Andrews from Scotland.
Copy !req
449. They invented the game there,
except they call it "gof"...
Copy !req
450. without the "L" as we do.
Copy !req
451. I think I have enough butter.
Copy !req
452. - Right. If you need any more . . . .
- Sure.
Copy !req
453. When Mona died last winter,
I said to myself:
Copy !req
454. "Al, if you keep busting your hump
16, 20 hours a day...
Copy !req
455. you'll end up with
a $60 million funeral."
Copy !req
456. Hey, doll, could you scare up
another round for our table?
Copy !req
457. And tell the cook this is
low-grade dog food. All right?
Copy !req
458. - Here, take this for yourself. Okay?
- Thank you, sir.
Copy !req
459. I had better food at the ball game,
you know.
Copy !req
460. This steak still has marks
where the jockey was hitting it.
Copy !req
461. Anyway, today I just stick to real estate.
Copy !req
462. With this market,
if you own anything but land...
Copy !req
463. you own a popcorn fart.
Copy !req
464. Oh, did somebody step on a duck?
Copy !req
465. Ain't that right, sir?
Copy !req
466. The graveyard is two blocks
to the left, okay?
Copy !req
467. Dog food?
Copy !req
468. I'll show him dog food!
Copy !req
469. Hey, where's the bar?
Let's have some drinks here.
Copy !req
470. Hey, waiter, here.
This is for you, all right?
Copy !req
471. Oh, Captain Hook!
How about the grand you owe me?
Copy !req
472. Forget about it. I'm just kidding.
All right.
Copy !req
473. This is your wife? A lovely lady.
Hey, baby, you're all right.
Copy !req
474. You must have been something
before electricity, huh?
Copy !req
475. Hey, doll, how are you, huh?
You live alone?
Copy !req
476. Hey, rabbi, nice seeing you.
Folks, how are you?
Copy !req
477. And this is your grandson, huh?
A wonderful boy.
Copy !req
478. Nice boy. He's a good boy, I'll tell you.
Copy !req
479. Now I know why tigers
eat their young, you know.
Copy !req
480. Woo! The dance of the living dead!
Copy !req
481. - I know why you came here tonight.
- Why?
Copy !req
482. That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea
right out of your mind.
Copy !req
483. She's been plucked more times
than the rose of Tralee.
Copy !req
484. Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue I'm told.
Copy !req
485. Oh.
Copy !req
486. Pay no attention to that bush
moving around there by that tree.
Copy !req
487. It's just a bush.
Nothing even to look twice at.
Copy !req
488. Nothing to be alarmed about.
Copy !req
489. This looks like it could be gravy.
Copy !req
490. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
491. All right.
Copy !req
492. I smell varmint poontang...
Copy !req
493. and the only good varmint poontang...
Copy !req
494. is dead varmint poontang,
I think.
Copy !req
495. You gotta get out on a ball.
Copy !req
496. - Tom, I'll show you places you can go.
- Where you gonna take me?
Copy !req
497. Ty! Ty, come over here!
Copy !req
498. - Ty, hi, how are you?
- How are you?
Copy !req
499. - Hi.
- Ty, there's someone you must meet.
Copy !req
500. Al Czervik, Ty Webb.
Copy !req
501. Al built our condo in Palm Beach.
Copy !req
502. I need a drink. Nice meeting you.
I'll see you. Take it easy.
Copy !req
503. See you in a bit, Al.
Copy !req
504. Heads up, but I think
someone's giving you the big eyes.
Copy !req
505. Oh, I remember her.
Copy !req
506. Hey, can you make a bullshot?
Copy !req
507. - Can you make a shoe smell?
- Very funny.
Copy !req
508. Why don't you get yourself
a real haircut? Take this.
Copy !req
509. - Thanks.
- What people here. Look at that one.
Copy !req
510. The last time I saw a mouth
like that, it had a hook in it.
Copy !req
511. So what brings you to this nape
of the woods? Neck of the "wape"?
Copy !req
512. - How come you're here?
- Daddy wanted to broaden me.
Copy !req
513. In this place? Good luck.
Copy !req
514. What do you do for excitement?
Copy !req
515. Oh, I . . .play a lot of golf.
Copy !req
516. Golf?
Copy !req
517. Nixon plays golf.
Copy !req
518. Bet you got a lot of stories
about your ball landing in the road.
Copy !req
519. So, what do you do?
Copy !req
520. Oh, I enjoy... skinny-skiing...
Copy !req
521. going to bullfights on acid.
Copy !req
522. I bet you got a lot of nice ties.
Copy !req
523. What do you mean?
Copy !req
524. You wanna tie me up
with some of your ties, Ty?
Copy !req
525. - I've got a good idea.
- What?
Copy !req
526. Let's pretend...
Copy !req
527. we're real human beings.
Copy !req
528. Freeze, gopher!
Copy !req
529. Ugh.
Copy !req
530. Elihu, who is that disgusting man
over there?
Copy !req
531. I tell you, I never saw
dead people smoke before.
Copy !req
532. A guest of the Scotts.
Copy !req
533. What do you say we
bust up this joint, huh?
Copy !req
534. Yeah.
Copy !req
535. Hey, you two should
get a room, you know?
Copy !req
536. Hey, Ringo, play something hot,
will you?
Copy !req
537. And you guys...
Copy !req
538. take some more lessons.
Copy !req
539. Hey, judge, give someone else
a chance. You lucky devil!
Copy !req
540. Come here, honey. And hey, loosen up,
will you? You're a lot of woman, you know?
Copy !req
541. Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?
Copy !req
542. You! You! You're no gentleman!
Copy !req
543. I'm no doorknob either, all right?
Copy !req
544. I never wanna see that man here again!
Copy !req
545. Wait up, girls.
I got a salami I gotta hide still.
Copy !req
546. Carl! I told you, today is the day
we change the holes.
Copy !req
547. Do it now! With no more slacking off!
Copy !req
548. I'll slack you off,
you fuzzy little foreigner.
Copy !req
549. I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena.
Copy !req
550. Oh, man in a boat overboard.
Copy !req
551. You beast, you savage.
Copy !req
552. Come on, bark like a dog for me.
Copy !req
553. Bark like a dog. I will teach you
the meaning of the word "respect."
Copy !req
554. Mr. Webb.
Copy !req
555. I just gotta win that caddy tournament.
Copy !req
556. I owe it to my folks
to get that scholarship.
Copy !req
557. - What do you wanna go to college for?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
558. Let me tell you a story.
Copy !req
559. I knew a guy who could have been
a great golfer. Could have gone pro.
Copy !req
560. All he needed was a little
time and some practice.
Copy !req
561. He decided to go to college instead.
Copy !req
562. He went for four years.
Did pretty well.
Copy !req
563. At the end of his four years,
the last semester, he was kicked out.
Copy !req
564. You know what for?
Copy !req
565. He was night-putting.
Just putting at night...
Copy !req
566. with the 15-year-old
daughter of the dean.
Copy !req
567. You know who that guy was, Danny?
Copy !req
568. No.
Copy !req
569. - Take one good guess.
- Bob Hope.
Copy !req
570. No, no.
Copy !req
571. No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein.
Copy !req
572. My roommate. He's a good guy.
Copy !req
573. Don't be obsessed
with your desires, Danny.
Copy !req
574. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:
Copy !req
575. "A flute with no holes is not a flute...
Copy !req
576. and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish."
He was a funny guy.
Copy !req
577. You missed just that one.
Copy !req
578. In one physical model of the universe,
the shortest distance between two points...
Copy !req
579. is a straight line
in the opposite direction, Danny.
Copy !req
580. - Unbelievable.
- Thank you very little.
Copy !req
581. Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell,
you're on the tee.
Copy !req
582. Shh.
Copy !req
583. Here's a power hitter.
Copy !req
584. Oh.
Copy !req
585. Nice form.
Copy !req
586. - Nice form.
- Good luck, sucker.
Copy !req
587. Nice one. Very nice.
Very good. Yeah.
Copy !req
588. Aw.
Copy !req
589. Ah, shit!
Copy !req
590. No, no, nice shot.
Right on the beach.
Copy !req
591. Okay, Danny, this is for the gold.
Copy !req
592. You ain't got it today, Noonan.
Copy !req
593. - Miss it, Noonan. Miss.
- Noonan! Noonan!
Copy !req
594. Stop it.
Copy !req
595. Miss it, Noonan. Miss!
Noonan! Noonan!
Copy !req
596. - Miss it, miss it!
- Miss it!
Copy !req
597. Excellent round, son.
Copy !req
598. - Excellent round! Topnotch, topnotch!
- Thank you.
Copy !req
599. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Copy !req
600. Say, I'm having a little party
at the Yacht Club this Sunday.
Copy !req
601. - I'm christening my new sloop.
- Ah.
Copy !req
602. - What are you doing this Sunday?
- I have...
Copy !req
603. - . . .no plans.
- Great!
Copy !req
604. How'd you like to mow my lawn, eh?
Copy !req
605. I figure a college-bound fellow
could use a few extra dollars, huh?
Copy !req
606. And when you've finished...
Copy !req
607. why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?
Copy !req
608. Oh, thank you, sir.
Copy !req
609. - All right. All right.
- Smile.
Copy !req
610. Great. Great.
Copy !req
611. Thank you. Thank you. Maggie,
how about we go swimming?
Copy !req
612. I don't have the swimwear.
Besides, I've never swum.
Copy !req
613. I'll teach you.
Copy !req
614. Why don't you come on in and
help me sort me holy cards first?
Copy !req
615. Now, Maggie's pants.
Copy !req
616. Let's get wet!
Copy !req
617. You better cool it, pencil-neck.
Don't make me come down there.
Copy !req
618. You, that's who.
Copy !req
619. Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water.
Copy !req
620. That's it!
Copy !req
621. Let go of me.
Copy !req
622. You put your suit on!
Copy !req
623. You shave your ass!
Copy !req
624. Hi, Maggie. How was it?
Copy !req
625. How was what?
Copy !req
626. I guess it couldn't have been
that great then.
Copy !req
627. Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio.
Copy !req
628. All right, stand up.
Copy !req
629. All right. Okay.
Copy !req
630. She's incredible.
Copy !req
631. Let me just squirt
into the side of the pool.
Copy !req
632. Come on, over here.
Copy !req
633. Hi, mama.
Copy !req
634. Hey, you guys, cool it!
Copy !req
635. Hey! Hey, cut that out!
Copy !req
636. I mean it, n—!
Copy !req
637. - Want some?
- Oh, give me some.
Copy !req
638. - Who asked you?
- Come on, I'm asking.
Copy !req
639. - Would you please—?
- Get out of here.
Copy !req
640. Hey, thanks a lot.
Copy !req
641. Stop that, you two! All of you!
Copy !req
642. I want you out of that pool at once!
Copy !req
643. Out you go, you understand?
Copy !req
644. I don't want to see another
caddy body in this pool. All of you.
Copy !req
645. Did you understand what I said? Out.
Oh, Lacey.
Copy !req
646. Take your hands off her.
Put your clothes back on, my dear.
Copy !req
647. Out! I said, out! Didn't you hear me?
Copy !req
648. Doodie! Doodie!
Copy !req
649. Don't touch it!
Copy !req
650. Spaulding, no!
Copy !req
651. Doodie!
Copy !req
652. Yeah, well, if you find anything
that does look like a fecal remnant ....
Copy !req
653. I want the entire pool scrubbed,
sterilized and disinfected.
Copy !req
654. Here it is!
Copy !req
655. Oh.
Copy !req
656. It's no big deal.
Copy !req
657. - Well, hello. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
- Hi.
Copy !req
658. - Busy?
- No, come on in.
Copy !req
659. Go ahead. That's nothing.
Copy !req
660. I tried calling, but there's no listing
for Mr. Wonderful.
Copy !req
661. What spelling did you use?
Copy !req
662. Sorry about this mess.
Let me just clean up here.
Copy !req
663. - I'm getting ready for the season.
- What, duck?
Copy !req
664. No, no. Dolphin.
Copy !req
665. Would you like a drink?
Tuna colada, perhaps?
Copy !req
666. Anything, anything.
Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Copy !req
667. No, I brought most of that stuff
back with me from Vietnam.
Copy !req
668. You were in the war?
Copy !req
669. Oh, no.
Copy !req
670. Homo.
Copy !req
671. Much better now though.
Copy !req
672. Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.
Copy !req
673. Keep it.
Copy !req
674. There's a bunch of them.
And a summons.
Copy !req
675. It's yours.
Copy !req
676. Pretty pathetic, Ty.
Copy !req
677. Pathetic? Maybe you, Lacey.
Copy !req
678. For me, there's a subtle perfection
in everything I do.
Copy !req
679. - I have my own standards, my own way.
- My uncle says you got a screw loose.
Copy !req
680. Oh, yeah? Your uncle molests collies.
Copy !req
681. - You're rather . . .
- What?
Copy !req
682. attractive for...
Copy !req
683. a beautiful girl with a great body.
Copy !req
684. Well, hey!
Copy !req
685. Yeah.
Copy !req
686. - Sing me a love song.
- I'm gonna.
Copy !req
687. - Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
688. - This stuff's terrible.
- It's good. You don't know how to do it.
Copy !req
689. - How do I do it?
- I'm gonna show you.
Copy !req
690. Ah.
Copy !req
691. I was born
Copy !req
692. To love you
Copy !req
693. I was born
To lick your face
Copy !req
694. I was born
To rub you
Copy !req
695. But you were born
To rub me first
Copy !req
696. Let's go into the patio room.
Copy !req
697. Woo!
Copy !req
698. Know what this is called in the East?
Copy !req
699. - What?
- It's a big rub.
Copy !req
700. You have very . . . . Very small breasts.
Copy !req
701. Just kidding. Come on.
Work my way down.
Copy !req
702. This is the Isle of Wight.
Copy !req
703. Careful. I'm gonna move right down
the Taconic Parkway...
Copy !req
704. over to your "clavula" ....
Copy !req
705. Will you get serious?
Copy !req
706. - That's a very "in" thing to say.
- Yes, I know.
Copy !req
707. - Ow, that hurts!
- It's all right. You're blocking.
Copy !req
708. You're blocking, you're blocking.
Just hold on to your chakras.
Copy !req
709. Just get a little more oil on us.
Copy !req
710. There you go. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
711. Now I've done it. Let me get that
away from you. Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
712. It's like reaching under the rug.
Copy !req
713. - There.
- You're crazy!
Copy !req
714. They said that about Son of Sam.
Know something?
Copy !req
715. - What?
- I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.
Copy !req
716. - Don't even think about it.
- I'm just gonna eat these.
Copy !req
717. I want you to know about it.
It's like acupressure, but it's acupuncture.
Copy !req
718. The slightest prick and
you wouldn't even know it—
Copy !req
719. - I'll kill you!
- No, no. I did not do that.
Copy !req
720. See? You feel looser?
Copy !req
721. - Listen.
- I feel like a hundred dollars.
Copy !req
722. Forget the massage, okay?
Copy !req
723. And just kiss me, you fool.
Copy !req
724. - Slipping.
- Let go of my neck.
Copy !req
725. What kind of shit is this?
Copy !req
726. It's the best, man.
I got it from a Negro.
Copy !req
727. You're probably so high already
you don't even know it.
Copy !req
728. Probably.
Copy !req
729. Oh, wow.
Copy !req
730. He looks like Dick Cavett.
Copy !req
731. Hey, man, save me a toke.
Copy !req
732. Gotta do my doctor thing.
Copy !req
733. Oh, wow.
Copy !req
734. All right, everybody.
It's time to christen the sloop.
Copy !req
735. Come along, children. You can
shake your booties down on the dock.
Copy !req
736. Ahoy, polloi. Where did you
just come from, a Scotch ad?
Copy !req
737. Eat it, Spaulding.
Copy !req
738. My, what a nice looking young man.
You're from Bushwood, aren't you?
Copy !req
739. - Yes, ma'am.
- He's not a member, Grandma.
Copy !req
740. - He's a caddy.
- Judge Smails invited me at the club.
Copy !req
741. Of course. You're the young man
who wants to be in the Senate.
Copy !req
742. That's right.
Copy !req
743. Well, you two look like
a couple of boogies.
Copy !req
744. Why don't you just scamper along now.
Copy !req
745. May I escort you out, ma'am?
Copy !req
746. Hold on, son. Are you trying
to make time with my best girl, huh?
Copy !req
747. I want you to meet Chuck Schick.
He's clerking for me this summer...
Copy !req
748. till he passes the bar.
Copy !req
749. Well, see you on deck, senator.
Copy !req
750. Well, I'm going to law school too.
Copy !req
751. Really? Are you going to Harvard?
Copy !req
752. - No. St. Copius of northern... .
- Where?
Copy !req
753. Hey, Cary Grant. You wanna get high?
Copy !req
754. Wait a minute. I've only got a little.
Copy !req
755. - Then split. Okay, Terry?
- Sure.
Copy !req
756. Bye, Chuck.
Copy !req
757. Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?
Copy !req
758. - Depends on what's underneath.
- Ooh.
Copy !req
759. Come on.
Copy !req
760. I've got a little poem I'd like to read
in honor of this occasion, if I may.
Copy !req
761. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.
Copy !req
762. It's easy to grin
When your ship comes in
Copy !req
763. And you've got
The stock market beat
Copy !req
764. But the man worthwhile
is the man who can smile
Copy !req
765. When his shorts
Are too tight in the seat
Copy !req
766. Okay, Pookie, do the honors.
Copy !req
767. Bless this ship and all who sail on her.
Copy !req
768. I christen thee, The Flying Wasp.
Copy !req
769. This is your fate line.
Copy !req
770. You're gonna make a lot of money
when you're older.
Copy !req
771. Oh, yeah? When? How?
Copy !req
772. Could be in the market
or on a game show.
Copy !req
773. And this....
Copy !req
774. - This is your saliva line.
- What's it tell?
Copy !req
775. How hot I can get you.
Copy !req
776. Well, don't just stand there.
Go get some glue!
Copy !req
777. Hey! My buddy!
Copy !req
778. Full steam ahead. Over there.
I wanna go over there!
Copy !req
779. Move over, Swanson. I'm driving.
Copy !req
780. Whoa!
Copy !req
781. Hey, Smails...
Copy !req
782. - . . .my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
- It's him.
Copy !req
783. Save me a parking place, I'm coming in.
Copy !req
784. Heave off! Heave off!
Copy !req
785. Get back, you idiot! Brace yourselves!
Copy !req
786. Whoa!
Copy !req
787. I almost got head from Amelia Earhart.
Copy !req
788. What's this, Hell's Angels?
Copy !req
789. Reverse, reverse.
Copy !req
790. What the hell are you—?
Watch it.
Copy !req
791. Back!
Copy !req
792. Which way is backward?
Copy !req
793. Stop! Stop!
Copy !req
794. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Copy !req
795. Okay, drop anchor.
Copy !req
796. Hey, you scratched my anchor.
Copy !req
797. I just want you to know that,
you know, because of this...
Copy !req
798. you don't have to
stop seeing other people.
Copy !req
799. There you go. Let's see.
Copy !req
800. Oh, it looks absolutely perfect.
Copy !req
801. Aha!
Copy !req
802. - You!
- Your robe, Your Honor.
Copy !req
803. Oh! Pl— Help!
Copy !req
804. We've been invited home.
Copy !req
805. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Copy !req
806. Are we still having tea?
Copy !req
807. MRS.
Elihu...
Copy !req
808. would you come and
loofa my stretch marks?
Copy !req
809. Aha.
Copy !req
810. That must be the tea.
Copy !req
811. What an incredible Cinderella story.
Copy !req
812. This unknown comes out of nowhere
to lead the pack...
Copy !req
813. at Augusta. He's on his final hole.
Copy !req
814. He's about 455 yards away.
He's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think.
Copy !req
815. Well, he got all of that.
Copy !req
816. The crowd is standing on its feet
here at Augusta.
Copy !req
817. The normally reserved Augusta crowd...
Copy !req
818. is going wild.
Copy !req
819. For this young Cinderella
who's come out of nowhere...
Copy !req
820. he's got about 350 yards left.
Copy !req
821. He's gonna hit about a 5-iron, I expect.
Don't you think?
Copy !req
822. He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's— Oh, he got all of that one!
Copy !req
823. He's gotta be pleased with that.
The crowd is just on its feet here.
Copy !req
824. He's a Cinderella boy.
Copy !req
825. Tears in his eyes, I guess,
as he lines up this last shot.
Copy !req
826. He's got about 195 yards left
and he's gonna—
Copy !req
827. Looks like he's got about an 8-iron.
This crowd has gone deadly silent.
Copy !req
828. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.
Copy !req
829. A former greenskeeper now about
to become the Masters champion.
Copy !req
830. It looks like a mirac—
It's in the hole!
Copy !req
831. - It's in the hole!
- Hey, young fella...
Copy !req
832. I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes
before this rain starts.
Copy !req
833. Certainly, Your Eminency.
Copy !req
834. - Take my bag, huh?
- Certainly, Your Magnificence.
Copy !req
835. Okay, come on. Chop-chop.
Copy !req
836. Let's go.
Copy !req
837. You better put this on.
That's a great shot.
Copy !req
838. Eureka!
Copy !req
839. I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir.
You're really clubbing it.
Copy !req
840. We better start moving.
Copy !req
841. Did you see that? Miracle, eh?
Copy !req
842. Nice shot, bishop. You must've
made a deal with the devil.
Copy !req
843. You know, I could break
the club record, theoretically.
Copy !req
844. You better come in until this blows over.
Copy !req
845. - Well, what do you think, fella?
- I'd keep playing.
Copy !req
846. I don't think the heavy stuff
will come down for a while.
Copy !req
847. You're right.
Copy !req
848. Anyway, the good Lord
would never disrupt...
Copy !req
849. the best game of my life!
Copy !req
850. I'm infallible, young fella!
Copy !req
851. Come on, one more hole!
Copy !req
852. Oh, rat farts!
Copy !req
853. Danny?
Copy !req
854. - Hi, Maggie.
- Hi.
Copy !req
855. - You're here early.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
856. Yeah, I...
I kind of slept here last night.
Copy !req
857. Oh, Maggie.
Copy !req
858. I'm in big trouble.
Copy !req
859. Oh, yeah? Me too. I'm late.
Copy !req
860. - Late for what?
- For not being pregnant.
Copy !req
861. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
862. Well, I don't hold you responsible.
Copy !req
863. It's my problem.
Copy !req
864. I can handle it.
Copy !req
865. - Danny.
- Oh, Mag.
Copy !req
866. Maggie, look, look.
Copy !req
867. I'm not gonna let you
go through this alone.
Copy !req
868. - No!
- Whatever you decide.
Copy !req
869. I'm gonna have it, I've already decided!
Copy !req
870. Well, that's it then.
Copy !req
871. - We'll just get married.
- Oh, God! That's all I need!
Copy !req
872. - No, look, I want to, all right?
- No, you don't!
Copy !req
873. - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't!
Copy !req
874. Yes, I do!
Copy !req
875. Look, I don't wanna get married, Danny!
Copy !req
876. Come on, Maggie.
You're just saying that.
Copy !req
877. No, I'm not! Look, Danny...
Copy !req
878. it might not be yours. Okay?
Copy !req
879. Maggie, you're making this up
about the other guys...
Copy !req
880. - . . .so I won't have to feel guilty.
- I'm not making it up!
Copy !req
881. - All right. I'm still willing to marry you!
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
882. - Yeah!
- Well, thanks for nothing!
Copy !req
883. You're a good egg, Noonan.
Copy !req
884. She needs you.
Copy !req
885. Pick up that Kleenex.
Copy !req
886. - Good morning, Lou.
- Good morning.
Copy !req
887. The judge would like to see Danny Noonan
as soon as he comes in.
Copy !req
888. - I'm Danny Noonan.
- Would you come with me, please?
Copy !req
889. - Judge Smails, sir?
- Sit down, Danny.
Copy !req
890. Danny, I think you know
why you're here...
Copy !req
891. so I'll do us both the courtesy of
not reviewing what happened yesterday.
Copy !req
892. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
893. My niece is the kind of girl
that has a certain...
Copy !req
894. zest for living. The last thing
any of us need right now...
Copy !req
895. is loose talk about her behavior.
Copy !req
896. I swear I didn't tell
anybody anything, sir.
Copy !req
897. Good. Good, good.
Copy !req
898. You know, despite what happened...
Copy !req
899. I'm still convinced you have
many fine qualities...
Copy !req
900. and I think you can still
become a gentleman someday.
Copy !req
901. If you understand and abide
by the rules of decent society.
Copy !req
902. Danny. Danny.
Copy !req
903. There's a lot of...
Copy !req
904. well, badness in the world today.
Copy !req
905. I see it in court every day.
Copy !req
906. I've sentenced boys younger than you
to the gas chamber.
Copy !req
907. Didn't want to do it.
Felt I owed it to them.
Copy !req
908. The most important decision
you can make is:
Copy !req
909. What do you stand for, Danny...
Copy !req
910. goodness or badness?
Copy !req
911. I know I've made some mistakes
in the past. I'm willing to make up for that.
Copy !req
912. - I wanna be good.
- Good!
Copy !req
913. Good. Very good!
Copy !req
914. You know...
Copy !req
915. I know how hard it is for
young people today and I wanna help.
Copy !req
916. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding.
He and I are regular pals.
Copy !req
917. Are you my pal?
Copy !req
918. Mr. Scholarship Winner?
Copy !req
919. Yes, sir. I'm your pal.
Copy !req
920. How about a Fresca? Eh?
Copy !req
921. Another rob roy, bishop?
Copy !req
922. You never ask a Navy man
if he'll have another drink...
Copy !req
923. because it's nobody's
goddamn business...
Copy !req
924. how many drinks
he's had already, right?
Copy !req
925. Wrong! You're drinking
too much, Your Excellency.
Copy !req
926. "Excellency." Fiddlesticks.
Copy !req
927. My name's Fred and I'm just a man,
same as you are.
Copy !req
928. You're not a man!
You're a bishop, for God's sakes!
Copy !req
929. There is no God.
Copy !req
930. Oh, Webb-o man, I didn't see your name on
the sign-in sheet for the club tournament.
Copy !req
931. I thought you'd be
the man to beat this year.
Copy !req
932. Guess you'll just have to
keep beating yourself.
Copy !req
933. Very good, yeah.
Copy !req
934. Come on, honey. Let's go, huh?
Hey, boys, how are you?
Copy !req
935. Hey, Al. How are you?
Copy !req
936. Hey, we're both starving.
When do we eat?
Copy !req
937. You! You.
Copy !req
938. You have worn out your welcome
at Bushwood, sir.
Copy !req
939. Is that so? Who made you
pope of this dump, huh?
Copy !req
940. Bushwood, a dump?
Copy !req
941. Well, I'll guarantee
you'll never be a member here.
Copy !req
942. Member? Are you kidding? You think
I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"?
Copy !req
943. Why, this whole place sucks!
Copy !req
944. Su— Su— Su—
Copy !req
945. Right, it sucks.
Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.
Copy !req
946. Buy Bushwood? You!
Copy !req
947. You baboon! You beast!
Copy !req
948. Okay, break it up.
Copy !req
949. - I get no respect from anyone.
- Please. What's going on?
Copy !req
950. He tried to choke me. You saw it.
Copy !req
951. He called me a baboon.
Thinks I'm his wife.
Copy !req
952. - I'm calling the police.
- Call the chief of police, I built his condo!
Copy !req
953. - Out. I want him out of here.
- He wants you out.
Copy !req
954. Guys, judge!
Come on, let's be adults here.
Copy !req
955. Let's not mess the place up.
Let's go to your office.
Copy !req
956. I'll make some drinks for us all.
We'll talk about it. Come on.
Copy !req
957. Danny!
Copy !req
958. - Danny.
- Maggie.
Copy !req
959. Maggie, you flipping out?
Copy !req
960. No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant.
Copy !req
961. Oh, that's great.
Copy !req
962. Listen, you were sweet.
I'm sorry I was hard on you.
Copy !req
963. No, I deserved it.
I've been acting like a jerk.
Copy !req
964. - I hate myself. I'll get that scholarship.
- That's good, isn't it?
Copy !req
965. No. I've been a creep lately
and I just can't help it.
Copy !req
966. - You're not a creep, Noonan.
- Yes, I am.
Copy !req
967. - No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Copy !req
968. - All right, maybe you are a little bit.
- Well....
Copy !req
969. Listen, you're good deep down.
I know you'll do the right thing.
Copy !req
970. Thank you, Maggie.
Copy !req
971. I demand satisfaction.
AL: Oh, you want satisfaction?
Copy !req
972. I'll tell you what's real satisfying, cash.
Copy !req
973. I'll shoot you 18 holes
for 10,000 bucks.
Copy !req
974. Why, I could beat you with one arm.
Copy !req
975. How about teams then for $20,000?
You can have Dr. Frankenputts.
Copy !req
976. - I beg your pardon.
- And I'll take Ty here.
Copy !req
977. - Hey, fellas. Don't include me in on it.
- Ty.
Copy !req
978. Come on. You're an ace.
Everybody knows it.
Copy !req
979. I— I don't play golf for money
against people.
Copy !req
980. What are you, religious or something?
Copy !req
981. You might say that. Excuse me.
Copy !req
982. - Excuse me. Excuse me.
- I got it.
Copy !req
983. Ty, can I have a word with you?
In private.
Copy !req
984. Sure thing, judge.
Copy !req
985. - Ty.
- Judge.
Copy !req
986. Ty.
Copy !req
987. Oh.
Copy !req
988. Ty, your father and I prepped together...
Copy !req
989. went to war together,
we played golf together.
Copy !req
990. We built this club, he and I.
Copy !req
991. Now, let's face it, son. Some people...
Copy !req
992. simply do not belong.
Copy !req
993. Let's not cave in too easy.
Copy !req
994. Well, what do you say, Ty?
Copy !req
995. Let's make it 40,000.
Copy !req
996. Hey, great!
Copy !req
997. You know, judge...
Copy !req
998. my dad never liked you.
Copy !req
999. I'll see you two tomorrow morning
on the golf course.
Copy !req
1000. Hey, beautiful. Beautiful.
Copy !req
1001. I have to laugh...
Copy !req
1002. because I've often asked myself....
Copy !req
1003. My foe, my enemy, is an animal...
Copy !req
1004. and in order to conquer him...
Copy !req
1005. I have to think like an animal.
Copy !req
1006. And whenever possible to look like one.
Copy !req
1007. I gotta get inside this dude's pelt
and crawl around for a few days.
Copy !req
1008. Who is the gopher's ally, his friend?
Copy !req
1009. The harmless squirrel
and the friendly rabbit.
Copy !req
1010. I'm gonna use you two guys...
Copy !req
1011. to do my dirty work for me.
Copy !req
1012. Look at it. It's the gopher.
Copy !req
1013. Hello?
Copy !req
1014. There she is. There she is.
Copy !req
1015. This is it. It's a Titleist.
Copy !req
1016. Twenty thousand dollars.
Twenty thousand dollars.
Copy !req
1017. All right, show yourself,
you little varmint.
Copy !req
1018. If you got the guts.
Copy !req
1019. You son of a bitch. Where'd you go?
Copy !req
1020. Oh, hi, Carl. How you doing?
Copy !req
1021. Oh, hi. Hi.
Copy !req
1022. Mind if I play through?
Copy !req
1023. Go right ahead. Are you getting in
a late night or something?
Copy !req
1024. Yeah, I was just loosening up.
Copy !req
1025. Was that your ball
I heard rambling through?
Copy !req
1026. Yeah. Did you see my ball in here?
Copy !req
1027. - Titleist?
- That's it.
Copy !req
1028. - Yeah, it's right here.
- This your place, Carl?
Copy !req
1029. Yeah, what do you think?
Copy !req
1030. It's really . . . . It's really awful.
Copy !req
1031. Well, I have a lot of things on order.
You know, credit trouble.
Copy !req
1032. I'm an assistant greenskeeper.
Copy !req
1033. Doesn't mean anything
until I'm the head greenskeeper.
Copy !req
1034. - Can you give me a ruling on this?
- Sit down.
Copy !req
1035. No, I don't wanna stick to anything.
Copy !req
1036. - Here, take this thing off. This is dirty.
- Don't go to too much trouble, please.
Copy !req
1037. - Here, fire up.
- With my lips?
Copy !req
1038. - Yeah.
- I don't think so, Carl.
Copy !req
1039. - Just right back.
- If I could borrow a wedge or something.
Copy !req
1040. If you can open a curtain,
I can get through that window.
Copy !req
1041. People say I'm an idiot or something...
Copy !req
1042. because all I do
is cut lawns for a living.
Copy !req
1043. Oh, people don't say that about you
as far as you know.
Copy !req
1044. Well, I'm working on it
so I don't ever have to...
Copy !req
1045. I'm gonna be head greenskeeper, hopefully
within six years. That's my schedule.
Copy !req
1046. But I'm studying this stuff so I know it.
You know, like...
Copy !req
1047. you know, chinch bugs. You know...
Copy !req
1048. manganese. A lot of people
don't even know what that is.
Copy !req
1049. - Great, Carl. Could I get a—?
- Nitrogen.
Copy !req
1050. Just open a curtain
and I can just get out of here.
Copy !req
1051. I invented my own kind of grass too.
Did you know that? Look at this.
Copy !req
1052. - This is registered. Carl Spackler bent.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1053. I've felt grass like this before.
I've played on this stuff.
Copy !req
1054. This is a hybrid.
This is a cross, bluegrass...
Copy !req
1055. Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent...
Copy !req
1056. and northern California sinsemilla.
Copy !req
1057. The amazing stuff about this...
Copy !req
1058. is that you can play 36 holes
on it in the afternoon...
Copy !req
1059. take it home and just get stoned
to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff.
Copy !req
1060. - I got pounds of this stuff. Here.
- No. Thank you. I don't— I don't—
Copy !req
1061. Let's have a little bit. I got the big
Bob Marley joint. Here, try this.
Copy !req
1062. Carl, I really don't do this very often.
Copy !req
1063. You're gonna love it. This is dynamite.
Copy !req
1064. Well, maybe one drag, then I gotta go.
Copy !req
1065. It's a little harsh. Here, cannonball it.
Copy !req
1066. Cannonball it right back.
Copy !req
1067. Then one more of these right on top of it.
Cannonball! Cannonball coming.
Copy !req
1068. No.
Copy !req
1069. Carl...
Copy !req
1070. could I have a drop?
Just a drop myself.
Copy !req
1071. That's fine for me. That's good.
Copy !req
1072. Can I say something to you frank?
Copy !req
1073. Ty, Frank.
Copy !req
1074. You've been acting psychotically lately.
Copy !req
1075. What the hell? Why?
Copy !req
1076. I've been under strain.
I gotta play with Smails tomorrow...
Copy !req
1077. - Smails?
- . . .in a money match. No.
Copy !req
1078. Thing to do with Smails . . . .
He bothers you, I'll take care of him.
Copy !req
1079. What you gotta do to Smails is cut
the hamstring on the back of his leg...
Copy !req
1080. right at the bottom.
He'll never play golf again.
Copy !req
1081. Because he goes back,
his weight displacement goes back...
Copy !req
1082. he stays there. All his weight's
on his right, he'll push everything right.
Copy !req
1083. He'll never come through.
He'll quit the game.
Copy !req
1084. That would work.
I'm gonna call you if I need help.
Copy !req
1085. But, seriously, no B.S...
Copy !req
1086. you ever wanna rap, just talk
or just get weird with somebody...
Copy !req
1087. buddies for life.
Copy !req
1088. I'll drop by. You drop by
my place anytime.
Copy !req
1089. What's your address?
You're around Briar, right?
Copy !req
1090. Briar, 2.
Copy !req
1091. You got a pool over there?
Copy !req
1092. We have a pond in the back.
We have a pool and a pond.
Copy !req
1093. A pond would be good for you.
Natural spring.
Copy !req
1094. Oh, yeah. Or the pool or a pond.
Anything would be good.
Copy !req
1095. Well, I'm gonna clean this up.
Copy !req
1096. You go ahead, clean up. It looks
fine to me. Thanks for the dope.
Copy !req
1097. Fore!
Copy !req
1098. Danny, you carry my bag.
Copy !req
1099. What the—? Who the—?
Copy !req
1100. Get back there. What do you think
you're doing? Get off of here!
Copy !req
1101. - Good morning, judge.
- This is a golf course, not a parking lot!
Copy !req
1102. You back this thing
out of here right now!
Copy !req
1103. Okay. Hey, look at that.
Copy !req
1104. Don't play games with me, Ty.
Copy !req
1105. Put that steering wheel where it belongs,
and get this out of here!
Copy !req
1106. - I got it, judge.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
Copy !req
1107. Let's play golf!
Copy !req
1108. Ow—! Do it! I didn't do that.
Copy !req
1109. - Oh, there's my phone.
- I'm getting tired—
Copy !req
1110. Gentlemen, it's about time—
Copy !req
1111. I told you, never call me
on the golf course. What's that?
Copy !req
1112. Then sell, sell, sell! They're all selling?
Then buy, buy, buy!
Copy !req
1113. - Let me have the Coast.
- Can we start now?
Copy !req
1114. - Gentlemen.
- What do you want?
Copy !req
1115. - Gentlemen.
- Can I use your phone?
Copy !req
1116. - Gentlemen!
- Is it long distance?
Copy !req
1117. Hey!
Copy !req
1118. Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal
and against club practice.
Copy !req
1119. And I'd like to ask at this time...
Copy !req
1120. if you gentlemen all agree
to waive all sanction against said referee...
Copy !req
1121. or anything that might get me fired.
Copy !req
1122. Agreed.
Copy !req
1123. Fine. The match is for $20,000 each.
Copy !req
1124. Lowest score wins the hole
in regulation match play.
Copy !req
1125. I have a number of tees in my hand.
Your Honor, odd or even?
Copy !req
1126. - Odd!
- Odd it is.
Copy !req
1127. Your honor, Your Honor.
Copy !req
1128. Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?
Copy !req
1129. No, I can't accept this.
Copy !req
1130. Driver, please.
Copy !req
1131. Danny.
Copy !req
1132. Don't smile at me a lot, okay?
Copy !req
1133. Say, the judge and Mr. Czervik,
$100,000 match going on.
Copy !req
1134. - You're kidding.
- No.
Copy !req
1135. Now, what you wanna do?
Copy !req
1136. - Five, Mr. Czek.
- Five, Mr. Czek.
Copy !req
1137. - You got it?
- Got it.
Copy !req
1138. Hello? Anybody home?
Copy !req
1139. Hello, Mr. Gopher?
Copy !req
1140. Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel.
Copy !req
1141. Yeah. Hi.
Just a harmless squirrel...
Copy !req
1142. not a plastic explosive or anything.
Nothing to be worried about.
Copy !req
1143. I'm just here to make your last hours
on earth as peaceful as possible.
Copy !req
1144. Yes, don't mind this.
This is doctor's orders and so forth.
Copy !req
1145. You don't mind if I just pop
in there for a few laughs?
Copy !req
1146. Yeah, that's right.
Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre:
Copy !req
1147. "Au revoir, gopher."
Copy !req
1148. This is sweet.
This is gonna be sweet.
Copy !req
1149. Hey!
Copy !req
1150. That kangaroo stole my ball!
Copy !req
1151. All right!
Copy !req
1152. What's up, doc?
Copy !req
1153. I tell you, I don't understand it.
I'm playing the worst game of my life.
Copy !req
1154. Hey. Don't put yourself down, Al.
Copy !req
1155. You're not— You're not—
Copy !req
1156. You're not good. You stink.
Copy !req
1157. Say, fifty bucks,
the Smails kid picks his nose.
Copy !req
1158. Come on, buddy. Here he comes.
Copy !req
1159. - Don't do it.
- All right, kid, take your time.
Copy !req
1160. Come on, come on. Yeah.
Copy !req
1161. - Fifty bucks more says he eats it.
- You're on.
Copy !req
1162. - He eats.
- You're on.
Copy !req
1163. Now, don't do it, kid. Don't!
Copy !req
1164. - Don't do it!
- Come on.
Copy !req
1165. - There he goes. He's going for it.
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1166. What a pig!
Copy !req
1167. - Man, that kid'll eat anything.
- Yes, he was hungry.
Copy !req
1168. What do you say, Al?
Copy !req
1169. - Shall we press on?
- Hey, judge, cheer up, will you?
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1170. My boat needs exactly $20,000
worth of repairs.
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1171. And so does your brain.
You wanna double it?
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1172. - Fine! Forty thousand apiece.
- All right.
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1173. - Forty thousand. Forty thousand.
- Let's go. You got it.
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1174. - All right.
- Hold on, judge, I mean—
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1175. - That's my office. I better get going.
- No. You're in for half of 80,000.
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1176. Probably just a routine emergency.
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1177. Why'd I double it?
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1178. I tell you, I should have stayed home
and played with myself.
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1179. Ty, I saw Smails before.
He was cheating.
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1180. Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny.
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1181. Except, of course, me.
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1182. Ow.
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1183. - Oh, my arm. It's broken!
- Good Lord...
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1184. - . . . what has this buffoon done now?
- Let's have a look at that.
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1185. Well, that might be a fractured ulna.
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1186. - I'm afraid you forfeit.
- Who says so? The match is a draw.
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1187. No, you don't.
You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou?
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1188. That's right, Your Honor.
Unless you wanna allow him a substitute.
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1189. Eh? Oh, well...
Spaulding can play out his holes.
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1190. Actually, judge, I think it's up to us
to pick our substitute.
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1191. - What do you want?
- Sonja Henie's out.
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1192. We'll take Danny Noonan.
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1193. Danny is an employee of the club.
He can't work and play...
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1194. - . . . particularly in something this illegal.
- Makes a lot of sense, judge.
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1195. Hey, kid, if you win,
I'll make it worth your while.
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1196. Well?
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1197. I'll play.
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1198. - Guess you didn't want that scholarship?
- I guess I don't.
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1199. I guess you don't. I guess you don't.
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1200. Don't worry, it's good luck.
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1201. In Haiti.
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1202. You're gonna have to win this hole.
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1203. - I kind of thought winning wasn't important.
- Me winning isn't! You do.
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1204. - Great grammar.
- Danny.
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1205. See your future. Be your future.
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1206. Make... . Make—
Make it! Make it.
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1207. Make your future, Danny.
I'm— I'm a veg, Danny.
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1208. Give me this.
Take it easy, will you, Ty?
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1209. Hey, Mr. Gopher?
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1210. Uh-oh.
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1211. Gentlemen, this match is all even.
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1212. Final hole. Doctor, you are away.
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1213. Oh.
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1214. Spaulding, this calls
for the old Billy Baroo.
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1215. Oh.
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1216. Billy, Billy, Billy.
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1217. Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.
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1218. This is a biggie.
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1219. Don't let me down, Billy.
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1220. Forty thousand dollars, Billy.
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1221. Oh!
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1222. I knew you'd do it!
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1223. Oh!
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1224. These are men
America's best
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1225. Don't worry about this one.
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1226. If you miss it, we lose.
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1227. Hey, judge,
double or nothing he makes it.
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1228. - Eighty thousand.
- What?
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1229. What's that, judge?
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1230. You're on! You're on!
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1231. Well...
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1232. we're waiting.
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1233. Noonan, you can do it.
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1234. Oh!
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1235. You lose it, buddy.
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1236. We did it! We did it!
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1237. Fore.
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1238. It's a birdie!
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1239. All right, Smails, that's 80 grand.
Now fork it over.
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1240. I'll give you nothing.
Absolutely, you understand, nothing!
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1241. I figured as much. Hey, Moose, Rocco!
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1242. Help the judge find his checkbook.
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1243. Oh. Well, I— You— I will.
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1244. Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
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1245. Uh-oh.
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