1. I was dreaminCopy !req
2. Dreamin my dick was out
and I was checking to seeCopy !req
3. if that infected bump on the head
of it had filled with pus againCopy !req
4. If it had. I was gonna name
that bump after my ex-wife PriscillaCopy !req
5. and bust it by jackin offCopy !req
6. Oh, man.Copy !req
7. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd doCopy !req
8. Dreams let you think like thatCopy !req
9. Truth was. I hadn't had
a hard-on in yearsCopy !req
10. Oh, man.Copy !req
11. My God. Man
How long have I been here?Copy !req
12. Am I really awake now.
Or am I just dreamin I'm awake?Copy !req
13. How could my plans
have gone so wrong?Copy !req
14. When the hell are they
gonna serve lunch?Copy !req
15. Considerin what they serve.
Why the hell do I care?Copy !req
16. If Priscilla discovered I was alive.
Would she come and see me?Copy !req
17. Would we still wanna fuck?
Or would we merely have to talk about it?Copy !req
18. Is there. Finally and really.Copy !req
19. Anything to life other than
food. Shit. And sex?Copy !req
20. We, goddamn itCopy !req
21. How could I have gone from
the "King of rock and roll" to this?Copy !req
22. Old guy in a rest home in East Texas
with a growth on his peckerCopy !req
23. And what is that growth. Man?Copy !req
24. Cancer? Nobody's talkinCopy !req
25. No one seems to know
or wants toCopy !req
26. Makes you wonder, doesn't it,
what kind of life this old guy had?Copy !req
27. What kind of life he had, you know.
His kids, his grandkids, his legacy.Copy !req
28. Look at him now.Copy !req
29. Oh, who gives a shit?Copy !req
30. Well...Copy !req
31. Make you comfortable.Copy !req
32. No.Copy !req
33. I'm gonna squish you, cockroach!Copy !req
34. Help me.Copy !req
35. You know, I was thinkin...Copy !req
36. What? You gonna get
all weepy on me again?Copy !req
37. No. I was merely gonna suggest that you
use some of this here deodorizerCopy !req
38. and spray it on that corpse
because she's smellin pretty ripe.Copy !req
39. Good idea.Copy !req
40. Excuse me, miss?Copy !req
41. You gonna throw all that stuff out?Copy !req
42. Yeah.Copy !req
43. Could I have one
of them pictures of Bull?Copy !req
44. Maybe his... his Purple Heart?Copy !req
45. I mean,
he was pretty proud of that.Copy !req
46. And maybe that... that tin
of chocolates there?Copy !req
47. I suppose.Copy !req
48. The revealin of her panties
wasn't intentional or unintentionalCopy !req
49. She just didn't give a damnCopy !req
50. She saw me as so physically
and sexually non-threatenin.Copy !req
51. She didn't mind if I got
a bird's-eye view of her love nestCopy !req
52. It was the same to her
as a house cat sneakin a peekCopy !req
53. I felt my pecker flutteronce like
a pigeon havin a heart attackCopy !req
54. then it laid back down
and remained limp and stillCopy !req
55. 'Course. These days. Even a flutter
was kind of reassurin'Copy !req
56. - Here.
- Thank you.Copy !req
57. Say...Copy !req
58. Bull your kin?Copy !req
59. My daddyCopy !req
60. Never seen you here before.Copy !req
61. I've only been here once before.
When I checked him in.Copy !req
62. That's three years ago, wasn't it?Copy !req
63. You and him friends?Copy !req
64. No, we just roommates. I mean,
he never felt good enough to say much.Copy !req
65. I just hated to see what
was left of him go away so easy.Copy !req
66. Seemed like an all right guy.Copy !req
67. Mentioned you a lot.
You're... you're Callie, right?Copy !req
68. Yeah.Copy !req
69. Well... he was all right.Copy !req
70. But not enough so you'd
come and see him, though.Copy !req
71. Don't lay some guilt trip on me, mister.
I did what I could.Copy !req
72. I mean, if it hadn't been for Medicaid
or Medicare... whatever that stuff was...Copy !req
73. he'd have been
in some ditch somewhere.Copy !req
74. And I sure didn't have the money
to take care of him.Copy !req
75. My own daughterCopy !req
76. lost long ago to meCopy !req
77. if she knew I lived.
Would she come and see me?Copy !req
78. Woud she even ccae?Copy !req
79. You could've come and seen him.
They don't charge you for that.Copy !req
80. Mind your own business.Copy !req
81. I was busy.Copy !req
82. Well, well, well.
If it isn't my favorite patient.Copy !req
83. How are you this morning, Mr. Haff?Copy !req
84. I'm all right.Copy !req
85. But I prefer Mr. Presley or Elvis.
I keep tellin you that.Copy !req
86. I don't go by
Sebastian Haff anymore, okay?Copy !req
87. I'm not tryin to hide anymore.Copy !req
88. Well, of course I knew that.
I forgot.Copy !req
89. Good morning, Elvis.Copy !req
90. Did you know we have
a celebrity here, Miss Thomas?Copy !req
91. Elvis Presley. You know,
the rock and roll singer.Copy !req
92. I thought he was dead.Copy !req
93. Well, actually, Elvis is dead.
Mr. Haff knows that. Don't you, Mr. Haff?Copy !req
94. Hell, no. I'm right here.
I ain't dead.Copy !req
95. Yet.Copy !req
96. Now, Mr. Haff!Copy !req
97. I don't mind calling you "Elvis."Copy !req
98. But you're a little confused
and you like to play sometimes.Copy !req
99. You were an
Elvis impersonator, remember?Copy !req
100. You fell off the stage
and broke your hip... when was it?Copy !req
101. Twenty years ago.Copy !req
102. It got infected and you were
in a coma for quite a while.Copy !req
103. You came out with a few...
problems.Copy !req
104. Look, I was just impersonatin myself.
I couldn't do nothin else.Copy !req
105. I don't have any problems.Copy !req
106. You're tryin to say
my brain's messed up, aren't you?Copy !req
107. Why would you
wanna be somebody else?Copy !req
108. I got tired of it.Copy !req
109. I was hooked on pills, you know.Copy !req
110. I wanted out.Copy !req
111. And this boy Sebastian Haff...
he was an Elvis imitator.Copy !req
112. He was the best of 'em.
He took my place.Copy !req
113. Problem is, he had a bad heart.Copy !req
114. He liked drugs, too.
Liked them more than I did.Copy !req
115. So it was him that died, not me.
I just took his place.Copy !req
116. But why would you want
to leave all that fame. Mr Presley?Copy !req
117. All that money?Copy !req
118. I don't know
'Cause they got oldCopy !req
119. The woman I loved... Priscilla...
she was goneCopy !req
120. The rest of the women
were just womenCopy !req
121. I mean. The music
wasn't mine anymoreCopy !req
122. I wasn't even me anymore
Just this thing they made upCopy !req
123. And my friendsCopy !req
124. 'Well, they were sucking me dryCopy !req
125. So I took a little road trip
down to NacogdochesCopy !req
126. to check out this Sebastian HaffCopy !req
127. It's all right, boys.
Just wait here.Copy !req
128. Oh, my God.Copy !req
129. I didn't think you'd really...Copy !req
130. It's all right, boys.
Just another freak.Copy !req
131. Let's split.Copy !req
132. - Sorry, man.
- King, I got it. I got it.Copy !req
133. It's all yours, baby.Copy !req
134. So I signed everything
over to SebastianCopy !req
135. Except for enough money
to sustain me if things got badCopy !req
136. I was determined
to make myself a new lifeCopy !req
137. A better oneCopy !req
138. But me and Sebastian.
We had us a dealCopy !req
139. If I wanted to trade back. He'd let meCopy !req
140. It was all written up in the contractCopy !req
141. The thing wasCopy !req
142. I lost my copy
in a barbeque accidentCopy !req
143. But that wasn't so bad. EitherCopy !req
144. I was makin new friends
and enjoyin myselfCopy !req
145. Cheers!Copy !req
146. Oh, my God.
Did you see that thing?Copy !req
147. It just went up like that.Copy !req
148. - Now. Elvis
- Yes?Copy !req
149. Don't carry it too far.Copy !req
150. You may just get way out there
and not come back.Copy !req
151. Oh, fuck you.Copy !req
152. Shit.Copy !req
153. Get old, you can't even cuss
someone and have it bother 'em.Copy !req
154. Everything you do is either
worthless or sadly amusing.Copy !req
155. Well...Copy !req
156. I've got what I want.Copy !req
157. The clothes can go
to Goodwill or Salvation Army.Copy !req
158. Very well. And I'm sorry about
your father. He was a nice man.Copy !req
159. Yeah.Copy !req
160. It was nice to meet you, Mr. Presley.Copy !req
161. - Get the hell out.
- Now, now.Copy !req
162. I'll be back later to do that little... thing
that has to be done. You know.Copy !req
163. Elvis!Copy !req
164. Poor Bull.Copy !req
165. In the end...
does anything really matter?Copy !req
166. No one here ever listened to meCopy !req
167. Except this one guy
only. He was certifiableCopy !req
168. That's where they took
a piece of my brain.Copy !req
169. They got it back in D.C.
In that goddamn jar.Copy !req
170. I got a little bag of sand
up there now.Copy !req
171. Jack... no offense, but...Copy !req
172. President Kennedy was a white man.Copy !req
173. That's how clever they are!Copy !req
174. They dyed me this color.
All over!Copy !req
175. Can you think of a better way
to hide the truth than that?Copy !req
176. I was livin simpleCopy !req
177. The way Haff had beenCopy !req
178. Going from town to town
doin the Elvis actCopy !req
179. Only. I felt like I
was really me againCopy !req
180. Can you dig that?Copy !req
181. We're diggin it, Mr. Haff...
Mr. Presley.Copy !req
182. Women were
throwin themselves at meCopy !req
183. 'cause they could imagine I was ElvisCopy !req
184. Only. I was Elvis playing
Sebastian Haff playing ElvisCopy !req
185. It was all pretty goodCopy !req
186. I didn't mind the contract
being burned upCopy !req
187. Didn't even try to go back
and convince anybodyCopy !req
188. Then I had the accidentCopy !req
189. I was gyratin. See. Takin care business.
And then my hip went outCopy !req
190. I'd been havin trouble with itCopy !req
191. Damn. It's cold in here tonight.Copy !req
192. No way. That's it.
This time, I make it.Copy !req
193. No more piss or crap
in the bed.Copy !req
194. Shake it out...Copy !req
195. There we go.Copy !req
196. Man... that is one
big bitch cockroach.Copy !req
197. All right, man. Let's go.Copy !req
198. Damn.Copy !req
199. Hot damn!Copy !req
200. Got you, you six-legged bastard.Copy !req
201. Even a big bitch cockroach
like you should know...Copy !req
202. Never... but never fuck with the King.Copy !req
203. Hey! Is anybody out here?Copy !req
204. I think we got some major
bug problems in this place, man!Copy !req
205. Oh, man...Copy !req
206. Hey, Jack?Copy !req
207. Hey, man, you okay?Copy !req
208. What the Sam Hill is that?Copy !req
209. Mr. Kennedy?Copy !req
210. Hey, man...
you're on the floor.Copy !req
211. No shit.Copy !req
212. Who are you?Copy !req
213. Look, I'm...Copy !req
214. Sebastian. Sebastian Haff.Copy !req
215. Did you see him go by in the hall?Copy !req
216. He scuttled like.Copy !req
217. - Who, man?
- The one they sent.Copy !req
218. - Who's "they"?
- Oh, you know who.Copy !req
219. No, Jack, I don't.
Come on, man.Copy !req
220. Lyndon Johnson.Copy !req
221. Castro, maybe.Copy !req
222. They sent somebody to finish me off.Copy !req
223. I think maybe it was Johnson himself.Copy !req
224. Real ugly.
Real goddamn ugly!Copy !req
225. Look, man,
President Johnson's dead.Copy !req
226. Shit. That ain't gonna stop him.Copy !req
227. Get his feet.Copy !req
228. So, you say you heard a... a noise?Copy !req
229. Well, a sound's a sound, you know?
I mean, I heard something.Copy !req
230. It was like a... I don't know.
Like a... like a scuttling.Copy !req
231. - A scuttling sound?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
232. Were you awake or were you
in bed when you heard this noise?Copy !req
233. I was in bed first, then I was awake
'cause the damn bugs woke me up.Copy !req
234. You got bugs all over this place.Copy !req
235. Bugs... well, Mr. Haff, what kind
of bugs have you been seeing?Copy !req
236. Look, do I look like
an ichthyologist to you?Copy !req
237. Big damn bugs, all right?Copy !req
238. The size of my fist. The size
of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.Copy !req
239. What do I care?
I got a growth on my pecker.Copy !req
240. Okay, Mr. Haff.
Don't worry about a thing.Copy !req
241. We'll call the exterminator tomorrow
and we'll take care of the problem.Copy !req
242. Good. Thank you.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
243. It's time for that little thing again.Copy !req
244. A doll like this handlin me
without warmth or emotionCopy !req
245. Twenty years ago
Just twenty. ManCopy !req
246. I could've made with the curly-lip smile
and had here atin out of my assholeCopy !req
247. Doctor says this cream
ought to do the trick.Copy !req
248. Corticosteroids.Copy !req
249. Should heal the inflammation,
stop the pus.Copy !req
250. Whee'd my youth go?Copy !req
251. Why didn't fame
hold off old age and death?Copy !req
252. Why the hell did I leave
the fame in the first place?Copy !req
253. Do I want it back?
Could I have it back?Copy !req
254. And if I could
would it make any damn difference?Copy !req
255. Mr. Haff!Copy !req
256. Lord almightyCopy !req
257. You old rascal.Copy !req
258. I think you better take
a cold shower, Mr. Haff.Copy !req
259. There'd been two presidential elections
since I had a boner like that oneCopy !req
260. WWhat ga ve hee?Copy !req
261. Then I realized what gaveCopy !req
262. I was thinkin about something
that interested meCopy !req
263. Not my next meal
orgoin to the crapperCopy !req
264. I'd been given a dose of life againCopy !req
265. You get in there with me,
I'll take that shower.Copy !req
266. You silly thing.Copy !req
267. Come on, now.
Why don't you pull on it a little?Copy !req
268. You ought to be ashamed.Copy !req
269. Where at? Where at?Copy !req
270. I haven't seen my kids.Copy !req
271. It's an ambush!Copy !req
272. Under the bridge.
I saw him under the bridge.Copy !req
273. It's an ambush!
Tonto, my boots, Tonto!Copy !req
274. That's my friend Kemosabe
We used to play cards togetherCopy !req
275. - My boots!
- Now he doesn't even know who I amCopy !req
276. Daddy.Copy !req
277. Baby?Copy !req
278. Sebastian. Sebastian! It's loose!Copy !req
279. What's loose?Copy !req
280. Lt. Listen.Copy !req
281. Jesus Christ. What's that?Copy !req
282. I thought it was Lyndon Johnson,
but I was wrong.Copy !req
283. I've come across new evidence
to suggest another assassin.Copy !req
284. Assassin?Copy !req
285. He's after another target tonight.Copy !req
286. Come on, I wanna show you something.Copy !req
287. I don't think it's safe
if you go back to sleeping.Copy !req
288. For chrissake, man.
Just tell the administrators.Copy !req
289. Suits and white starches?
No, thank you!Copy !req
290. I trusted them when I was back in Dallas,
and look where they got my brain and me.Copy !req
291. I'm thinkin' with sand here.Copy !req
292. I mean, I pick up some waves,
maybe, from my brain,Copy !req
293. but somheday, who khowsCopy !req
294. Somebody might just disconnect
the battery at the White House.Copy !req
295. Oh, yeah. That's something
to worry about, all right.Copy !req
296. Listen here. Listen.Copy !req
297. I know you're Elvis.Copy !req
298. There was a rumor, you know,
that you hated me.Copy !req
299. But I thought about that.Copy !req
300. If you hated me, you could've
finished me off the other night.Copy !req
301. What I want from you is
that you look me straight in the eyeCopy !req
302. and assure me you had nothing
at all to do with that day in Dallas,Copy !req
303. and that you did not know
Lee Harvey Oswald or Jack Ruby.Copy !req
304. Look, man...Copy !req
305. I had nothing to do with Dallas.Copy !req
306. And I knew neither
Lee Harvey Oswald nor Jack Ruby.Copy !req
307. Good. May I call you Elvis
instead of Sebastian?Copy !req
308. You may.Copy !req
309. Excellent.Copy !req
310. You wear glasses to read?Copy !req
311. Well, I wear glasses
when I really want to see.Copy !req
312. Get them. Come on.Copy !req
313. Come on.
Right down the hall.Copy !req
314. The walker was
swingin along easier nowCopy !req
315. Not even like I needed itCopy !req
316. Damn. This here Jack was a nutCopy !req
317. Maybe I was nuts. TooCopy !req
318. but there was
an adventure goin onCopy !req
319. It's in here.Copy !req
320. In here.Copy !req
321. That's it?Copy !req
322. We're investigating a scuttling in the hall,
trying to figure out who attacked you,Copy !req
323. and you bring me here to look
at stick pictures on the shit house wall?Copy !req
324. Look close.Copy !req
325. It's Egyptian.Copy !req
326. Right-a-reen-o.Copy !req
327. Hey, you're not as stupid
as some folks made you out.Copy !req
328. - Thank you.
- Now, I copied this down yesterday.Copy !req
329. I came in here to take a shit because
they hadn't cleaned up my bathroom.Copy !req
330. Saw that on the wall,
took it back to my room,Copy !req
331. looked it up in my books,
and I wrote it all down.Copy !req
332. Now, this top line
translates roughly into,Copy !req
333. "Pharaoh gobbles donkey goobers."Copy !req
334. And the bottom line,
"Cleopatra does the nasty."Copy !req
335. Say what?Copy !req
336. Well, pretty much.
That's the best I can translate it.Copy !req
337. All right, so, one of the nuts in here...
present company excluded...Copy !req
338. thinks he's Tutankhamen,
comes in here, writes hieroglyphics.Copy !req
339. Big deal! What's the connection?
Why are we standin here in the toilet?Copy !req
340. Well, I don't know what
the connection is, exactly... not yet.Copy !req
341. But that thing
caught me asleep last night.Copy !req
342. And I came awake just in time.Copy !req
343. He had me on the floor.Copy !req
344. I had his mouth over my asshole.Copy !req
345. A shit-eater?Copy !req
346. I don't think so.Copy !req
347. He was after my soul.Copy !req
348. Now, you can get that out of any
major orifice of a person's body.Copy !req
349. I read about it.Copy !req
350. Yeah? Where, man? Hustler?Copy !req
351. The Everyday Man Or Woman's
Book of the Soul by David Webb.Copy !req
352. And they got pretty good
movie reviews in thereCopy !req
353. about stolen soul movies
in the back.Copy !req
354. Come on. I'll show you.Copy !req
355. I think that there might be some sort
of electrical problem in the gardener's shed.Copy !req
356. That light...
looks like it's shortin out.Copy !req
357. This whole damn place is fallin apart.Copy !req
358. But you don't have to think about that.Copy !req
359. Mrs. Biddlestein is waitin
on her enema.Copy !req
360. All right. All right. I'm comin.Copy !req
361. Just let me finish my cigarette, first.Copy !req
362. God.Copy !req
363. Here's an ugly son of a bitch.Copy !req
364. Damn! Hey, Jack.Copy !req
365. What it says here
is that you can bury some dude,Copy !req
366. and if he gets the right tanna leaves
and spells said over him and such bullshit,Copy !req
367. that he can come back to life
thousands of years later, man.Copy !req
368. But hold on, now.Copy !req
369. To stay alive, he has to suck
on the souls of the livin,Copy !req
370. and that if the souls are small,
his life force doesn't last long.Copy !req
371. Small.
What's that mean?Copy !req
372. Read on.
No, never mind.Copy !req
373. I'll tell you myself.Copy !req
374. But first,
would you like a Ding Dong?Copy !req
375. I don't mean mine.Copy !req
376. I mean a chocolate Ding Dong.Copy !req
377. Of course, mine would be chocolate
now that I have been dyed.Copy !req
378. You got Ding Dongs, man?Copy !req
379. I got Paydays
and I got a box of Baby Ruths.Copy !req
380. Oh, mama!Copy !req
381. Which will it be?
Let's get decadent.Copy !req
382. I'll take a Baby Ruth.Copy !req
383. All right.Copy !req
384. Now... small souls...Copy !req
385. are those that don't have
much fire for life.Copy !req
386. You know a place like that?Copy !req
387. Man, if souls were fires,
they couldn't burn much lower than in here.Copy !req
388. Exactamundo.Copy !req
389. What we have here at Shady Rest
is an Egyptian soul sucker of some sort.Copy !req
390. You know, a mummy hiding out.Copy !req
391. Coming in here,
feeding on the sleeping.Copy !req
392. It's perfect, you see?Copy !req
393. We're small souls,
so we can't provide him much.Copy !req
394. But if that thing comes back
two or three times in a rowCopy !req
395. and wraps his lips
around some elder's asshole,Copy !req
396. that elder is going to die pretty soon.Copy !req
397. And who would be the wiser?Copy !req
398. Asshole.Copy !req
399. A mummy can't be getting
too much energy from all this...Copy !req
400. not like with big souls...
but the prey is easy.Copy !req
401. With new people comin' all the time, he can
keep this up forever... this soul robbin.Copy !req
402. That's what they
brought us here for...Copy !req
403. to get us out of the way
until we die.Copy !req
404. And those who don't die first from
disease or just plain being old, he gets.Copy !req
405. Look, that's all well and good, Jack,
but there's one thing that still throws me.Copy !req
406. How does an ancient Egyptian
wind up in an East Texas rest home,Copy !req
407. and why is he writin
on the shit house walls, man?Copy !req
408. Well, he went in to take a crap,Copy !req
409. got bored,
started writing on the walls.Copy !req
410. He probably wrote
on pyramid walls centuries ago.Copy !req
411. Come on. What would he crap?
It's not like he'd eat.Copy !req
412. Well, he eats souls.Copy !req
413. So, I assume
that he would crap soul residue.Copy !req
414. By that, I would mean
that if you die from his mouth,Copy !req
415. you don't go to the other side
where the souls go.Copy !req
416. He digests souls
until they don't exist anymore.Copy !req
417. And you're just so much
toilet water decoration.Copy !req
418. And speaking of toilets...Copy !req
419. This is how I figured
that whole thing out.Copy !req
420. He's just like anybody else
when it comes to taking a dump.Copy !req
421. He wants a nice,
clean place with a flush.Copy !req
422. They didn't have that in his time.Copy !req
423. No, no.
Don't go out in the hall.Copy !req
424. - That's all right. I'm not asleep.
- That don't mean he won't hurt you.Copy !req
425. "He" my ass. There isn't
any mummy from Egypt.Copy !req
426. Nice knowin you, Elvis.Copy !req
427. Asshole.Copy !req
428. Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart
before he hit the floorCopy !req
429. Gone down and out
with both guns blazingCopy !req
430. Soul intactCopy !req
431. Once again. We got scoldedCopy !req
432. This time. We got quizzed about
what had happened to Kemosabe.Copy !req
433. But neitherof us told the truthCopy !req
434. I mean. Who was gonna believe
a couple of nuts?Copy !req
435. Elvis and Jack Kennedy explainingCopy !req
436. that Kemosabe was gunning
for a mummy in cowboy duds?Copy !req
437. Some kind of Bubba Ho-Tep?Copy !req
438. So. What we did wasCopy !req
439. we liedCopy !req
440. Life sure is fleetin, you know?Copy !req
441. - What?
- Life. I'm saying it's fleetin.Copy !req
442. One minute you're here,
and the next minute you're gone...Copy !req
443. Shit! Shit! Come on!Copy !req
444. Come on. Move it!
Come on. Get it!Copy !req
445. Nonchalant. Nonchalant.Copy !req
446. Nonchalant.Copy !req
447. Get it in there.Copy !req
448. You are one fuckin idiot.Copy !req
449. Mr. Haff?Copy !req
450. Mr. Presley?Copy !req
451. Now, how, Mr Pres eyCopy !req
452. You are looking much stronger,
but you shouldn't be out here too long.Copy !req
453. It's time for your nap.Copy !req
454. And it's also time for us to do
that little... you know.Copy !req
455. You fuck off,
you patronizing bitch!Copy !req
456. I'm sick of your shit! I'll lube
my own crankshaft from now on.Copy !req
457. You treat me like a baby again,Copy !req
458. I'll wrap this goddamn walker
right around your head!Copy !req
459. How in the hell
did that mummy do that?Copy !req
460. Well... what the hell.Copy !req
461. Where did old Bubba Ho-Tep go?Copy !req
462. Where did he come from?Copy !req
463. How the hell did he get here?Copy !req
464. Wait a minute.Copy !req
465. Under the bridge
I saw him under the bridgeCopy !req
466. Come on, mama.Copy !req
467. It's a cancerCopy !req
468. They're keepin it from me cause I'm old.
And to them. It don't matterCopy !req
469. They think age will kill me first.
And they're probably rightCopy !req
470. We, succk themCopy !req
471. I know what it is.
And if it isn'tCopy !req
472. it might as well beCopy !req
473. Station KROP is proud to present
the Elvis Presley movie marathonCopy !req
474. It's 24 hours of Elvis
in the roles he made famousCopy !req
475. Watch that two-fisted Hound Dog
out-strum. Outrace.Copy !req
476. Out-fight. And outwit the bad guysCopy !req
477. And at the same time.
Watch the King slay the girlsCopy !req
478. Shitty pictures, man.Copy !req
479. Every single one.Copy !req
480. Here I was complainin about
loss of pride and how life had treated me.Copy !req
481. And now I realized
I never had any prideCopy !req
482. And much of how life
had treated me had been goodCopy !req
483. The bulk of the bad
was my own damn faultCopy !req
484. Should've fired Colonel Parker
by the time I got in the picturesCopy !req
485. Old fart had been a shark and a fool.Copy !req
486. And I was an even bigger fool
for following himCopy !req
487. If only I'd treated Priscilla rightCopy !req
488. If I could've told
my daughter I loved herCopy !req
489. Always the questions
Never the answersCopy !req
490. Always the hopes
never the fulfillmentsCopy !req
491. I had the woman who calls herself
my niece come get me.Copy !req
492. She took me downtown this morning
to the newspaper morgue.Copy !req
493. She's been helping me
to do some research.Copy !req
494. - Research on what, man?
- On our mummy.Copy !req
495. You know somethin about him?Copy !req
496. I know plenty.Copy !req
497. Now, one of the lesser mummies,Copy !req
498. on loan from the Egyptian government,Copy !req
499. was being circulated
all over the United States.Copy !req
500. You know, museums,
stuff like that.Copy !req
501. What do you mean?
Like King Tut or whatever?Copy !req
502. No, more like King Tut's brother.Copy !req
503. His mummy was flown or carried
by the train from state to state.Copy !req
504. When it got to Texas,
it was stolen.Copy !req
505. Stolen?Copy !req
506. Evidence points to it being stolen at night
by a couple of guys in a silver bus.Copy !req
507. Bus? Hey, I've seen that!Copy !req
508. Anyway, the thieves
broke into the museum,Copy !req
509. stole it in hopes of a ransom,Copy !req
510. when in comes the worst storm
in East Texas history.Copy !req
511. Let me guess.Copy !req
512. The bus was washed away, see?Copy !req
513. 'Cause I think I saw it today.
It was way back in the creek.Copy !req
514. The mummy was imprisoned
by the debris.Copy !req
515. Look here...
how'd it come back to life?Copy !req
516. And how did I end up
inside its memories?Copy !req
517. Speculation broadens here,
but from what I've read,Copy !req
518. some mummies get buried
without their names...Copy !req
519. a curse put on their sarcophagus.Copy !req
520. Hey, now, maybe our boy's
one of them.Copy !req
521. I mean, when he's in the coffin,
he's just a dried-up old corpse,Copy !req
522. but when the bus got washed away,
maybe it overturned or broke open,Copy !req
523. and now he's free of coffin and curse.Copy !req
524. He's free from imprisonment,
but he still needs souls.Copy !req
525. Now he's free to have them.Copy !req
526. He can just keep on feedin
unless he's finally destroyed.Copy !req
527. So, what do we do, Jack?Copy !req
528. Changing rest homes
might be a good idea.Copy !req
529. I can't think of much else.Copy !req
530. But I will say this...Copy !req
531. Our mummy is
a nighttime kind of guy.Copy !req
532. So, I'm gonna go and sleep now.Copy !req
533. I'll set my alarm
for just before dark,Copy !req
534. then I can get myself
a couple of cups of coffee.Copy !req
535. Damn straight.Copy !req
536. If he comes in here tonight, I don't
want him slappin his lips on my asshole.Copy !req
537. Yes. Consider it.Copy !req
538. He's got the proverbial
bird's nest on the ground here.Copy !req
539. What do I really have
left in life but this place?Copy !req
540. It ain't much of a homeCopy !req
541. but it's all I gotCopy !req
542. Well, goddamnit.Copy !req
543. I'll be damned if I let some foreign,
graffiti-writin, soul-suckin,Copy !req
544. son of a bitch in an oversized
cowboy hat and bootsCopy !req
545. take my friends souls and shit 'em
down the visitors toilet!Copy !req
546. In the movies.
I always played heroic typesCopy !req
547. But when the stage lights went out.Copy !req
548. It was time fordrugs and stupidity
and the coveting of womenCopy !req
549. Now it's timeCopy !req
550. Time to be a little of what I
had always fantasized bein...Copy !req
551. a heroCopy !req
552. Hello?Copy !req
553. Mr. Kennedy?Copy !req
554. Ask not what your rest home
can do for you.Copy !req
555. Ask what you can do
for your rest home.Copy !req
556. Hey, you're copying my best lines.Copy !req
557. Then let me paraphrase
one of my own.Copy !req
558. Let's take care of business.Copy !req
559. Just what are you
getting at, Elvis?Copy !req
560. I think you know
what I'm gettin at, Mr. President.Copy !req
561. We're gonna kill us a mummy.Copy !req
562. Two bottles of rubbing alcohol.Copy !req
563. Check.
Don't even have to toss 'em.Copy !req
564. Look here.Copy !req
565. Found this in the storage room.Copy !req
566. I thought they kept it locked.Copy !req
567. They do. I stole a hairpin
and picked the lock, baby.Copy !req
568. Great.Copy !req
569. Matches.Copy !req
570. Check. Even scrounged up
a cigarette lighter.Copy !req
571. Good. Uniform.Copy !req
572. Big check on that, baby.Copy !req
573. Well, I got a nice pair of shoes
to go with this.Copy !req
574. Check.Copy !req
575. Scissors.Copy !req
576. Check.Copy !req
577. All right.Copy !req
578. Now, I got my chair
oiled and ready to roll.Copy !req
579. That's good, man.
We could use some wheels.Copy !req
580. And I picked some words of power
from my book of magic.Copy !req
581. I don't know
if they'll stop a mummy,Copy !req
582. but they're supposed
to ward off evil.Copy !req
583. I wrote them down.
One for each of us.Copy !req
584. Well, we'll use what we got, baby.Copy !req
585. All right, 2:45 a.m.,
we hook up right back here.Copy !req
586. No, at the rate we travel,
maybe we ought to start at 2:30.Copy !req
587. Say, Jack?Copy !req
588. Do we know
what the hell we're doin, man?Copy !req
589. No. But they say
that fire cleanses evil.Copy !req
590. Let's just hope that they...
whoever they are... is right.Copy !req
591. Check on that, too.Copy !req
592. All right, synchronize watches.Copy !req
593. And... mark.Copy !req
594. Now, the two key words for tonight
are "caution" and "flammable."Copy !req
595. And also...
"watch your ass."Copy !req
596. What's that you got
hanging around your neck?Copy !req
597. That's my medicine bag.Copy !req
598. Indians used to wear 'em into battle.Copy !req
599. Full of all kinds of lucky stuff.Copy !req
600. See here?
Mucho mojo.Copy !req
601. That's my daughter.Copy !req
602. I know.Copy !req
603. We weren't there for our kids
when they needed us, were we?Copy !req
604. Man, if I could just talk to her again...Copy !req
605. tell her I love her...Copy !req
606. try and make things right somehow.Copy !req
607. No time for regrets, Elvis.Copy !req
608. We were the best fathers we could be
under the circumstances.Copy !req
609. Yeah, I guess,
no time for regrets.Copy !req
610. We got business to take care of.Copy !req
611. Look here.
Top it off with this.Copy !req
612. I stole it from the gardener
when he wasn't lookin.Copy !req
613. It's gonna be
one hell of a barbeque.Copy !req
614. Let's do it, amigo.Copy !req
615. Hey, Jack?Copy !req
616. I just got one last question.Copy !req
617. Marilyn.Copy !req
618. Come on, man.
Marilyn Monroe?Copy !req
619. What was she like in the sack?Copy !req
620. That is classified information.
Top secret!Copy !req
621. But between you and me...Copy !req
622. Wow!Copy !req
623. You old dog.
Watch your back, Jack.Copy !req
624. Gotta hump it.Copy !req
625. Shitwhen Bubba Ho-Tep
comes out of that creek bed.Copy !req
626. He's gonna come out
hungry and pissedCopy !req
627. When I try and stop him. He's gonna
jam this paint can up my assCopy !req
628. and jam me and that wheelchair
up Jack's assCopy !req
629. Shit.Copy !req
630. Hey, Jack.Copy !req
631. Don't make me use
my stuff on you, baby.Copy !req
632. Damn!
Where did he go to?Copy !req
633. Hey! You stay put!Copy !req
634. I'll flush him out!Copy !req
635. You be careful, man.Copy !req
636. No, Jack!Copy !req
637. Oh, man.Copy !req
638. Come and get it,
you undead sack of shit.Copy !req
639. Sorry, man.Copy !req
640. Mr. Kennedy?Copy !req
641. The President is soon dead.Copy !req
642. So, now...
it's up to you, Elvis.Copy !req
643. You got to get him.Copy !req
644. You... got to...Copy !req
645. take care of business.Copy !req
646. That's right, man.Copy !req
647. T.C. B...Copy !req
648. It's just you and me.Copy !req
649. Mr. President.Copy !req
650. "You nasty thing
from beyond the dead...Copy !req
651. "No matter what you think or do,
good things will never come to you.Copy !req
652. "And if evil
is your black design,Copy !req
653. "you can bet the goodness
of the Light Ones...Copy !req
654. will kick your bad behind"?Copy !req
655. For chrissake...Copy !req
656. That's it?Copy !req
657. That's the chant against evil
from the Book Of Souls?Copy !req
658. Yeah, right, boss.Copy !req
659. And what kind of decoder ring
comes with that, man?Copy !req
660. Shit, it doesn't even nyme well!Copy !req
661. This is dog shit.Copy !req
662. It's time for A-C-T-l-O-N.Copy !req
663. Come on, baby.
Here we go.Copy !req
664. I was goin outCopy !req
665. And if I did. Rhot only would I be
one dead son of a bitch.Copy !req
666. But so would my soulCopy !req
667. I'd be just so much crapCopy !req
668. No afterlife. Rho reincarnation.
Rho angels with harpsCopy !req
669. Whatever lay beyond
would not be known to meCopy !req
670. It would all end right here
for Elvis Aaron PresleyCopy !req
671. Nothin left but a quick flushCopy !req
672. T.C.B., baby.Copy !req
673. Your soul-suckin days
are over, amigo.Copy !req
674. I felt somethin inside
gratin against somethin softCopy !req
675. I felt like a water balloon
with a hole poked in itCopy !req
676. I was goin down for the last countCopy !req
677. And I knew itCopy !req
678. But I still have my soul.Copy !req
679. It's still mine.Copy !req
680. All mine.Copy !req
681. And the folks up there
at Shady Rest...Copy !req
682. they have theirs, too.Copy !req
683. And they're gonna keep 'em.Copy !req
684. Every single one.Copy !req
685. Thank you.Copy !req
686. Thank you very much.Copy !req