1. - Ally, recap?
- Remember the Kowolskis?Copy !req
2. They want to set a record
by making Buffalo's largest cookie.Copy !req
3. - You have to wear this.
- A hair net?Copy !req
4. Health Department. If you're
near the cookie, you have to wear it.Copy !req
5. I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.Copy !req
6. All right, give it to me.Copy !req
7. God... Why do you hate me?Copy !req
8. We're rolling. And speed.Copy !req
9. For three decades,
the Kowolski BakeryCopy !req
10. has been a mainstay in Buffalo,Copy !req
11. known for their sweet,
cream-filled Polski pierogies,Copy !req
12. and the sugar-induced coma
that follows.Copy !req
13. In honour of their 30th anniversary,
they've invited us to ride alongCopy !req
14. as they go for the record
on Buffalo's biggest cookie.Copy !req
15. Vol? Do you need a tissue
or something?Copy !req
16. Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?Copy !req
17. Good thing we're wearing these.Copy !req
18. I wouldn't want stray hairs
to fall into the booger.Copy !req
19. - We doing this again?
- No. We'll cut to B roll.Copy !req
20. Moving on!Copy !req
21. Tell me, Mama,
why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?Copy !req
22. Man from Health Department say
he find rat pellet in our pastry.Copy !req
23. But I say, no, is big chocolate sprinkle.
But he shut store down.Copy !req
24. So, we clean up, make big cookie
to bring customers back.Copy !req
25. I admire your candour.
Let's try that again, shall we?Copy !req
26. Tell me, Mama,
why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?Copy !req
27. So the children of the neighbourhood
will be happy?Copy !req
28. It must be wonderful seeing
the smiles on their little faces.Copy !req
29. I work in back. I see no smiles.Copy !req
30. The previous record was 8 feet, 7 inches,
baked by Gladys Pelsnick.Copy !req
31. If this cookie is larger,
it will proveCopy !req
32. the Kowolskis
have much more free time.Copy !req
33. And the cookie is... 10 feet, 4 inches!Copy !req
34. We have a new record!Copy !req
35. Cue the cheesy inspirational music!Copy !req
36. But what are we really looking at here?Copy !req
37. Is it just a big cookie?Copy !req
38. Or does this cookie represent
the pride of Buffalo?Copy !req
39. Its hardworking citizens
the key ingredient,Copy !req
40. with a few nuts thrown in.Copy !req
41. And finally,
the love of our families,Copy !req
42. which provides the warm centre,Copy !req
43. making our beloved BuffaloCopy !req
44. the sweetest place to live.Copy !req
45. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.Copy !req
46. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.Copy !req
47. And cut.Copy !req
48. So, what do you think?Copy !req
49. It's really good.Copy !req
50. It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.Copy !req
51. The Pillsbury Doughboy
will be riveted.Copy !req
52. It made me laugh.
Nothing wrong with making people laugh.Copy !req
53. I'll never be an anchorman.
The job's there, but I can't reach it.Copy !req
54. They make me do this kind of stuff
and I have to act like a goof.Copy !req
55. I have no credibility. Not good.Copy !req
56. - Now you just sound silly.
- Forget it.Copy !req
57. It's not important.
Let's watch it once more.Copy !req
58. - No.
- Once more? Please?Copy !req
59. No! You promised to help me
with this photo album.Copy !req
60. Get your goofy butt over here.Copy !req
61. Go through this stack
and pick your favourites.Copy !req
62. Come on, this is fun, right?
It's nice.Copy !req
63. I bet Evan gets the anchor job.Copy !req
64. - Bruce!
- He's the favourite.Copy !req
65. Just forget it. This is just our life.Copy !req
66. We can always have
some kid do it for us.Copy !req
67. Hold the phone.Copy !req
68. I like this one.
Our weekend at the lake.Copy !req
69. That should be in our private stash.Copy !req
70. - Perky. Must have been cold.
- Give it to me.Copy !req
71. I can use this as wallpaper
on my computer.Copy !req
72. - Give it to me. Come on.
- No!Copy !req
73. Fine. Do with it what you will.
I don't care.Copy !req
74. I will do with it what I will.Copy !req
75. I may send it in to Playboy.
I hear their layouts are quite tasteful.Copy !req
76. Give that to me right now!Copy !req
77. - Rough stuff.
- I will hurt you.Copy !req
78. Sweetie? Time to get up.Copy !req
79. Good dream. No.Copy !req
80. The Buffalo Sabres lost again
last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs.Copy !req
81. Of course they did. They're my team.Copy !req
82. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.Copy !req
83. There might be something
to this cookie line.Copy !req
84. All the greatest anchors
had a signature sign-off.Copy !req
85. Like Walter Cronkite.Copy !req
86. "And that's the way it was."Copy !req
87. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.Copy !req
88. That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.Copy !req
89. - The dog!
- I'm in the shower!Copy !req
90. No, Sam. Bad dog.Copy !req
91. Inside, bad. Outside, good.Copy !req
92. You're done now. Great.Copy !req
93. B-E-A-utiful.Copy !req
94. Let's go back in and have a shit.Copy !req
95. - What is the dillio?
- We are having a blood drive.Copy !req
96. - Creepy. Needles.
- They need my blood.Copy !req
97. I have a very rare blood type.
I'm AB positive.Copy !req
98. Really? I'm IB positive.Copy !req
99. "I be" positive they ain't touching me
with no needle. It's just so...Copy !req
100. - Helpful and life-saving?
- No. It's blood.Copy !req
101. Blood is supposed to stay
inside the body, where it belongs.Copy !req
102. They stockpile it in a warehouse
and tell everyone there's a shortage.Copy !req
103. Not true. Where did you hear that?Copy !req
104. From a friend of a friendCopy !req
105. of a girl whose sister is dating
someone in government.Copy !req
106. For your protection,
I cannot discuss it.Copy !req
107. Get out,
before they see us together.Copy !req
108. Here. You need these more than I do.Copy !req
109. What is these?Copy !req
110. Prayer beads.
The kids made them for me.Copy !req
111. - They will keep you safe.
- I hope they're powerful.Copy !req
112. I'll need a friggin' miracle
to get to work on time.Copy !req
113. This isn't happening.
Not during sweeps week.Copy !req
114. Not during sweeps week!Copy !req
115. God.Copy !req
116. Yup, meeting started without me.Copy !req
117. This is my luck!Copy !req
118. Come on!Copy !req
119. Jesus.Copy !req
120. Get out of there!Copy !req
121. "Are you blind?" No, but I'm late.Copy !req
122. Is your child in dire jeopardy?Copy !req
123. Find out tonight after the game.Copy !req
124. Promos are approved.Copy !req
125. Jack? Shouldn't we be focusing
on Pete's retirement?Copy !req
126. - This is his last week.
- Any word on the anchor position?Copy !req
127. Evan, when I know something,
you'll know something.Copy !req
128. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
129. The traffic was...Copy !req
130. Did you already play the spots?Copy !req
131. Nice story,
but we're going with Evan's piece.Copy !req
132. The mayoral sex scandal, for sweeps.Copy !req
133. Yeah...Copy !req
134. Sweeps.Copy !req
135. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.Copy !req
136. Just messing with you, Bruce.Copy !req
137. You just gotta remember that
the newsroom is like a big cookie.Copy !req
138. Do you like jazz, Evan?
Let me play something for you.Copy !req
139. - I can hold that note all day.
- Knock it off.Copy !req
140. Bruce, we'll keep your story
in reserve.Copy !req
141. Can we work on getting something
to put on the air today?Copy !req
142. Great choice, Jack.
The Cadillac of bolognas.Copy !req
143. Jack, can I talk to you?Copy !req
144. - Sure. What do you need?
- Sweeps.Copy !req
145. Jack, hear me out.
I'm getting desperate.Copy !req
146. I'm pushing 40 and what have I got
to show for it? I've hit a ceiling.Copy !req
147. There's an anti-Bruce barrier
I can't get past.Copy !req
148. And Evan is loving it.Copy !req
149. He gets the stories.
Maybe I should be more like Evan.Copy !req
150. Don't be like Evan. He's an asshole.Copy !req
151. - I can be an asshole.
- No, Bruce. You can't.Copy !req
152. - You going to pick that up?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
153. This anchor thing opening up
has got me nuts.Copy !req
154. - Hey, Susan.
- Hi, Susan.Copy !req
155. Hi, Jack.Copy !req
156. You're a good reporter.
You make people laugh.Copy !req
157. I'll tell you what.Copy !req
158. Today is the 156th anniversary
of the "Maid of the Mist".Copy !req
159. Be in Niagara Falls in an hour.Copy !req
160. The "Maid of the Mist" is always live.Copy !req
161. - Evan does the live feeds.
- Now you and Evan do them.Copy !req
162. I'm going live? During sweeps?Copy !req
163. Watch it.
I've seen your outtakes.Copy !req
164. Jack, you will not regret this.Copy !req
165. I won't forget you
when I go national.Copy !req
166. Can you?Copy !req
167. Thanks, pal.Copy !req
168. Can I have your wish now?
I'll put it in the wish jar.Copy !req
169. Put your wish in.Copy !req
170. - Me, too.
- Put it in.Copy !req
171. That looks like a big wish.Copy !req
172. No, Martin, don't eat that.Copy !req
173. Don't put that in your mouth.
That's paste, honey.Copy !req
174. - That must have tasted awful.
- Mommy!Copy !req
175. Did you have fun
with Aunt Gracie today?Copy !req
176. See how nice this is? Baby on hip.Copy !req
177. It's amazing. You've become Mom.
The transformation is complete.Copy !req
178. I'll get it.Copy !req
179. - Small Wonders Day Care.
- Grace?Copy !req
180. No, Debbie, the sister
whose life you're not wasting.Copy !req
181. Sorry. Debbie forgot to take
her meds today. Where are you?Copy !req
182. A little place called the winner's circle.
I'm at the falls, doing a live report.Copy !req
183. Live? That's great!Copy !req
184. It's happening.
I got sweeps and I'm live.Copy !req
185. They're seeing
if I can think on my feet.Copy !req
186. Like I might have to do
in a live anchor situation.Copy !req
187. My gosh.Copy !req
188. Yeah! Jack practically came out
and told me.Copy !req
189. Practically?Copy !req
190. He didn't spell it out.
Legally, he can't.Copy !req
191. This happened to Susan before
they bumped her up to the desk.Copy !req
192. It's good.Copy !req
193. Honey, I don't want you
to get too ahead of yourself.Copy !req
194. - I gotta go! They're calling me.
- Good luck, honey. I love you.Copy !req
195. Love, love, love.Copy !req
196. Let's do it.Copy !req
197. - They want you close to the falls.
- I'll get soaked.Copy !req
198. That's the point. Put this on.Copy !req
199. A condition
for us getting the exclusive.Copy !req
200. You know what?
Nothing can bother me today.Copy !req
201. Remember,
it's their 156th-year anniversary.Copy !req
202. 149 capacity.
They cater to tourists, honeymooners...Copy !req
203. And insanely thirsty people.Copy !req
204. You'll be interviewing Irene Dansfield.Copy !req
205. Irene, a pleasure to meet you.
You look beautiful.Copy !req
206. Her mother rode the maiden voyage.Copy !req
207. - 90 seconds!
- 90 seconds? Holy hell.Copy !req
208. OK. 90 seconds.Copy !req
209. because of the fast response,Copy !req
210. the chemicals were cleaned up
without incident. Susan?Copy !req
211. Bruce Nolan is standing by
at Niagara Falls.Copy !req
212. But first, we have an announcement.Copy !req
213. As everyone knows, after 33 years,
our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.Copy !req
214. Pete's shoes are virtually impossible
to fill, but the show must go on.Copy !req
215. And we could think of no one better
than our very own Evan Baxter.Copy !req
216. - Congratulations, Evan.
- I'm thrilled and honoured.Copy !req
217. As you said, no one can replace Pete,
but I'll do my best.Copy !req
218. I am so proud to be a part
of our community of Buffalo.Copy !req
219. I think, in a lot of ways,
a great city is like a great recipe.Copy !req
220. You take hard-working citizens,
add some care givers,Copy !req
221. maybe a few nuts!Copy !req
222. All sprinkled with the love
and support of our families.Copy !req
223. Ultimately, that makes
one sweet place to live.Copy !req
224. - That was amazing.
- I wish I'd written something.Copy !req
225. And now let's go live to that wacky
Bruce Nolan at Niagara Falls.Copy !req
226. Wacky Bruce!Copy !req
227. - Talk, Bruce. Hello.
- Talk, honey.Copy !req
228. - What is it?
- A Walt Disney.Copy !req
229. - He's frozen solid.
- Check the audio feed.Copy !req
230. We may be having technical difficulty.Copy !req
231. - The feed's good.
- Come on.Copy !req
232. Talk, Bruce, dammit.Copy !req
233. Get ready to pull the plug.Copy !req
234. Come on, baby. Say something!Copy !req
235. Talk.Copy !req
236. Hi, Susan.Copy !req
237. Bruce Nolan here,Copy !req
238. aboard the "Maid of the Mist"
in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.Copy !req
239. First, let me add my congratulations
to Evan Backstabber.Copy !req
240. Pardon me, Bastard... Baxter.Copy !req
241. It is good to see what someone can doCopy !req
242. when opportunities
are given to him instead of me.Copy !req
243. I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom.Copy !req
244. Why did you throw the Heart of the Ocean
jewel over the rail of the Titanic?Copy !req
245. Did you feel bad
letting Leo DiCaprio drownCopy !req
246. while you were safe on the big door?Copy !req
247. Could you have taken turns?Copy !req
248. Or were you too afraid
to freeze your fat ass off?Copy !req
249. I guess that's how life is.Copy !req
250. Some people are drenched,
freezing on a stupid boat in a stupid hat,Copy !req
251. while others are in a comfy news studio,
sucking up the glory.Copy !req
252. No big deal.Copy !req
253. It's the owner of the "Maid of the Mist".
Let's talk to him.Copy !req
254. Come here, Bill.
No, let's have a talk.Copy !req
255. What are you doing?Copy !req
256. You've been running
the "Maid of the Mist" for 23 years.Copy !req
257. Why didn't I get the anchor job?Copy !req
258. - I don't want problems.
- Is it my hair?Copy !req
259. Are my teeth not white?Copy !req
260. Or, like the falls, is the bedrock
of my life eroding beneath me?Copy !req
261. Eroding!Copy !req
262. - Cut the feed. Go to black.
- I'm on it.Copy !req
263. I'm Bruce Nolan, for Eyewitness News.
Back to you, fuckers!Copy !req
264. My God.Copy !req
265. That is perfect.Copy !req
266. That is the motivation I needed!
Right there! Thank you!Copy !req
267. Thank you, WKBW:Copy !req
268. Wimpy... Kitty Baby Whiners!Copy !req
269. That's what that stands for!Copy !req
270. I'll see you on Channel 5,
where they do the real news!Copy !req
271. Do I look blind to you?Copy !req
272. Let's go, man. Come on.Copy !req
273. What are you doing?Copy !req
274. Come on. Leave the poor guy alone!Copy !req
275. You OK, man?Copy !req
276. You'd better keep walking.Copy !req
277. - What'd you say?
- Run, man!Copy !req
278. Run!Copy !req
279. I didn't mean it!Copy !req
280. I was kidding!Copy !req
281. You forgot your things.Copy !req
282. Say something now!Copy !req
283. B-E-A...Copy !req
284. utiful.Copy !req
285. That's what I get.Copy !req
286. That's what I get
for trying to help someone.Copy !req
287. Don't look at me, Walter.Copy !req
288. That's my payment, I guess.
That is my reward.Copy !req
289. Just? Just get a clue!Copy !req
290. Thank God you're all right.Copy !req
291. Let's thank God, shall we?
His blessings rain down on me.Copy !req
292. - Wait! That's not rain!
- Bruce, don't do that.Copy !req
293. Everything happens for a reason.Copy !req
294. That I don't need. That is a cliché.
That is not helpful.Copy !req
295. "A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush."Copy !req
296. I have no bird! No bush!
God took my bird and my bush.Copy !req
297. I see. So God is picking on you.Copy !req
298. No! He's ignoring me completely.Copy !req
299. He's too busy
giving Evan everything he wants.Copy !req
300. Great, Sam. But you missed your target.
I'm over here!Copy !req
301. Don't get mad at the dog.
It's not his fault.Copy !req
302. It's God's.
He gave him the wrong coordinates.Copy !req
303. Enough!
Will you stop being such a martyr?Copy !req
304. I am not being a martyr!
I'm a victim!Copy !req
305. God's a mean kid with
a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.Copy !req
306. He could fix my life if He wanted,Copy !req
307. but He'd rather burn off my feelers
and watch me squirm.Copy !req
308. I know you're mad.
What Evan did was slimy and wrong.Copy !req
309. But today could have been much worse.
I'm glad you're OK.Copy !req
310. News flash! I'm not OK.Copy !req
311. I'm not OK with a mediocre job!
Or a mediocre apartment!Copy !req
312. I am not OK with a mediocre life!Copy !req
313. Is that what you think we have?
A mediocre life?Copy !req
314. Don't make this about you.Copy !req
315. About me?
How could I make this about me?Copy !req
316. It's about you. It's always about you.Copy !req
317. Perfect!Copy !req
318. I'll have the worst day of my life
with a side order of guilt, please!Copy !req
319. OK, God. You want me to talk to you?Copy !req
320. Then talk back. Tell me what's going on.Copy !req
321. What should I do? Give me a signal.Copy !req
322. I need your guidance, Lord.
Send me a sign.Copy !req
323. What's this joker doing?Copy !req
324. OK. All right. I'll try it your way.Copy !req
325. All right. Lord... I need a miracle.Copy !req
326. I'm desperate.Copy !req
327. I need your help.Copy !req
328. Please, reach into my life...Copy !req
329. What the? Where are you?Copy !req
330. Got you!Copy !req
331. Fine! The gloves are off, pal!Copy !req
332. Come on! Show me some wrath!Copy !req
333. Smite me, O mighty smiter!Copy !req
334. You're the one who should be fired!Copy !req
335. The only one around here
not doing his job is you!Copy !req
336. Answer me!Copy !req
337. Sorry. Don't know you.Copy !req
338. Wouldn't call you if I did.Copy !req
339. God!Copy !req
340. Hello, 5550123.Copy !req
341. Sam! This has got to stop!Copy !req
342. Get it straight. That's the house.
This is the bathroom.Copy !req
343. House, bathroom.
Bathroom, house.Copy !req
344. What's the point?Copy !req
345. 5550123.Copy !req
346. Denied that promotion at work?
Is life unfair?Copy !req
347. Is someone less talented than you
reaping the benefits?Copy !req
348. Is your name Bruce?Copy !req
349. Then do we have the job for you!Copy !req
350. We're located at 7725623rd Street.Copy !req
351. Come on down.
Or we'll just keep beeping you.Copy !req
352. "Omni Presents."Copy !req
353. The glass is half-full.Copy !req
354. Come on! Look! What is that?Copy !req
355. What is that?Copy !req
356. Thank you!Copy !req
357. What the?Copy !req
358. You're looking for room 7.Copy !req
359. - I figured.
- Want me to even those up for you?Copy !req
360. - Where is room 7?
- On the 7th floor.Copy !req
361. - Stairs are over there.
- I'll take the elevator.Copy !req
362. - Out of order.
- I love stairs. My second choice.Copy !req
363. Mind giving me a hand with this floor?Copy !req
364. That's good.Copy !req
365. Are you serious?Copy !req
366. I'm kind of busy.Copy !req
367. Rain check.Copy !req
368. I'll hold you to it.Copy !req
369. I'm free on the 7th at 7:00.Copy !req
370. The 7th at 7:00 it is.Copy !req
371. This looks promising.Copy !req
372. Hello?Copy !req
373. Another hugantic,
ginormic waste of my life.Copy !req
374. I'm looking for whoever runs this joint!Copy !req
375. Be right with you. I'm fixing a light.
Tell me if it's working.Copy !req
376. Yeah. Seems to be.Copy !req
377. - Kind of bright, though.
- It is for most people,Copy !req
378. who spend their lives in the dark,
trying to hide from me.Copy !req
379. The elevator's broken?Copy !req
380. Yeah, but I'll get around to it.Copy !req
381. - You installed a clapper?
- No, but catchy jingle.Copy !req
382. Clap on, clap offCopy !req
383. Clap on, clap off
The ClapperCopy !req
384. Just can't get it out of my head.Copy !req
385. Good luck with that.Copy !req
386. I'm going to go now.Copy !req
387. But the boss will be right out.Copy !req
388. You must be Bruce.
I've been expecting you.Copy !req
389. This is hilarious.Copy !req
390. You're the boss, electrician and janitor.Copy !req
391. Must be a killer Christmas party.Copy !req
392. Don't get drunk.
One of you might need a ride home.Copy !req
393. You always were funny, Bruce.
Just like your father.Copy !req
394. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves.Copy !req
395. People underestimate
the benefit of manual labour.Copy !req
396. There's freedom in it.Copy !req
397. Some of the happiest people
smell to high heaven at day's end.Copy !req
398. How do you know my father
and how did you get my pager number?Copy !req
399. I know quite a lot about you.Copy !req
400. Just about everything there is to know.Copy !req
401. Everything you've ever said or done
or thought about doing...Copy !req
402. Right there in that file cabinet.Copy !req
403. - A whole drawer, just for me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
404. Mind if I take a look?Copy !req
405. It's your life.Copy !req
406. This oughta be good.Copy !req
407. This last entry was a little disturbing.Copy !req
408. "The gloves are off.
God took my bird and my bush."Copy !req
409. "God is a mean kid
with a magnifying glass."Copy !req
410. "Smite me, O mighty smiter."Copy !req
411. I'm not much for blaspheming,
but that last one made me laugh.Copy !req
412. Are you spying on me?Copy !req
413. Who are you?Copy !req
414. I am the One.Copy !req
415. Creator of the heavens and the earth.
Alpha and Omega.Copy !req
416. I see where this is going.Copy !req
417. Bruce... I am God.Copy !req
418. Bingo! Yahtzee!
Is that your final answer?Copy !req
419. Our survey says,"God!"Copy !req
420. It was nice to meet you, God.Copy !req
421. Thanks for the Grand Canyon.
Good luck with the Apocalypse.Copy !req
422. And by the way, you suck!Copy !req
423. It would have been impressiveCopy !req
424. if you hadn't used
the cheesy file cabinet illusion.Copy !req
425. Anyone with a brain stem
can see the drawerCopy !req
426. is fed through the wall
from the other side.Copy !req
427. All you have to do
is find the crease right here.Copy !req
428. There is a seam here, or a hollow spot.Copy !req
429. Where?Copy !req
430. Through the dry wall and concrete?Copy !req
431. That is a good one.Copy !req
432. - How many fingers am I holding up?
- Thou shalt not tempt the Lord.Copy !req
433. - If you can't do it...
- Three.Copy !req
434. Two... four... nine.Copy !req
435. Six... eight... one.Copy !req
436. How many now?Copy !req
437. Seven.Copy !req
438. - How?
- You've been complaining about me.Copy !req
439. - I'm tired of it.
- Don't come near me.Copy !req
440. I don't want to hurt you,
but I will out of instinct.Copy !req
441. You haven't won a fight since grade 5,
and that was against a girl.Copy !req
442. She was huge.
She had been held back.Copy !req
443. And the sun was in your eyes.Copy !req
444. The ego.Copy !req
445. Anyway, I want to offer you a job.Copy !req
446. - What job?
- My job.Copy !req
447. You think you can do it better,
so here's your chance.Copy !req
448. When you leave here,
you will be endowed with my powers.Copy !req
449. Whatever you say, pal.Copy !req
450. That did not happen.
No one needs to hear about it.Copy !req
451. I'm deleting the program.Copy !req
452. No.Copy !req
453. I'm having a breakdown.Copy !req
454. Everyday psychotic episode,
caused by a tumour.Copy !req
455. Come on. Start!Copy !req
456. That was lucky.Copy !req
457. Calm down.Copy !req
458. You did not meet God.
You do not have his powers.Copy !req
459. If that was God, I'm Clint Eastwood.Copy !req
460. Holy hell!Copy !req
461. - Be careful what you wish for, punk.
- Nope!Copy !req
462. I am a reasonable,
sane human being...Copy !req
463. with a.44 Magnum.Copy !req
464. The most powerful handgun in the...Copy !req
465. I'm not Clint Eastwood.
I'm Bruce Nolan.Copy !req
466. That was not real.Copy !req
467. - Coffee?
- Yeah.Copy !req
468. We have a special on soup.Copy !req
469. - No, thank you.
- It's tomato. I made it myself.Copy !req
470. Excuse me, I need a spoo...Copy !req
471. I found one.Copy !req
472. Your soup.Copy !req
473. Soup, right.Copy !req
474. Having fun?Copy !req
475. Thy... Thou...Copy !req
476. Come, take a closer walk with me.Copy !req
477. - Let me explain the rules.
- Rules?Copy !req
478. You left in a rush,
I didn't get to explain.Copy !req
479. - The two extra fingers freaked me out.
- I figured I'd get your attention.Copy !req
480. I did the same thing to Gandhi.
He didn't eat for three weeks.Copy !req
481. Here's the deal. You have my powers.
Use them any way you choose.Copy !req
482. There are two rules.
Tell no one you're God.Copy !req
483. You don't want the attention.Copy !req
484. And you can't mess with free will.Copy !req
485. - Can I ask why?
- You can!Copy !req
486. That's the beauty of it.Copy !req
487. - Amazing.
- Speaking of amazing, excuse me.Copy !req
488. Holy sh... cow.Copy !req
489. Since you're through with these,
I'll keep them. Might come in handy.Copy !req
490. See you around, kid.Copy !req
491. - Where are you going?
- I'm taking a vacation.Copy !req
492. God doesn't take vacations.
Does he? Do... ye?Copy !req
493. Heard of the Dark Ages?Copy !req
494. I'm covered. You can clear
everything up in five minutes. Right?Copy !req
495. And He saw that it was good.Copy !req
496. B-E-A-utiful!Copy !req
497. Check it out.Copy !req
498. It's the hero.Copy !req
499. - Whassup, homie?
- Brethren, what up with thee?Copy !req
500. - Blessings on your alley.
- Want another beating?Copy !req
501. - You didn't get enough?
- He wants more!Copy !req
502. Surely, I say unto you dudes,
I do not wish to fight.Copy !req
503. As soon as you apologise
and admit your transgressions,Copy !req
504. I shall absolve you and continue
along the path of righteousness.Copy !req
505. What are you talking about?Copy !req
506. I don't know if you lost it up here.Copy !req
507. You want me and the homies
to apologise? Cool.Copy !req
508. We'll apologise the day a monkey
comes out of my butt.Copy !req
509. What a coincidence!
Because that's today.Copy !req
510. Did that monkey come out your crack?Copy !req
511. This is some voodoo shit!Copy !req
512. You guys leaving?Copy !req
513. Don't forget your parting gifts!Copy !req
514. Little anal-dwelling butt monkey.Copy !req
515. Time for you to go home.Copy !req
516. I am Bruce Almighty.Copy !req
517. My will be done!Copy !req
518. - My God.
- Call me Bruce.Copy !req
519. What happened to you?
You seem so...Copy !req
520. happy.Copy !req
521. Why not? On a night like this.Copy !req
522. They're amazing. What are these?Copy !req
523. A cross-pollination
between tulips and daisies.Copy !req
524. I call them todayzees.Copy !req
525. These flowers are beautiful,
but last night...Copy !req
526. Last night, I was only human.Copy !req
527. Barry, help me out.Copy !req
528. I've never seen the moon that big.Copy !req
529. We shouldn't waste it.Copy !req
530. Bedroom?Copy !req
531. Five minutes.Copy !req
532. Let there be light.Copy !req
533. Be out in a minute!Copy !req
534. Don't rush.Copy !req
535. Sometimes anticipation
can heighten the pleasure.Copy !req
536. It's a funny thing about pleasure.Copy !req
537. It can be quite... pleasurable!Copy !req
538. My God.Copy !req
539. Pleasuring, pleasurable.Copy !req
540. Good God!Copy !req
541. In Japan, relief workers are trying
to rescue hundreds of people,Copy !req
542. stranded by a freak tidal wave
that hit Kitamoto City.Copy !req
543. Scientists say the tsunami
may have been causedCopy !req
544. by what they are describing
as unusual lunar activity.Copy !req
545. More on this as it develops.Copy !req
546. Bless my mommy, my daddy,
and especially my little sister.Copy !req
547. Help me get through this, Lord.Copy !req
548. I'm asking for your help.Copy !req
549. Thank you for everything else
in my life. Amen.Copy !req
550. Good boy.Copy !req
551. Forget something?Copy !req
552. Good boy!
There are girls in the house.Copy !req
553. - Morning.
- Good morning.Copy !req
554. - I made you grilled cheese.
- My fave.Copy !req
555. - Last night was...
- Heavenly. I know.Copy !req
556. I woke up and I felt like
my boobs were bigger.Copy !req
557. - Do they look bigger to you?
- What?Copy !req
558. - Bigger?
- Come on! Look at them.Copy !req
559. They are definitely bigger.
Look. They feel huge to me.Copy !req
560. I have to go.Copy !req
561. But this has been the breast bek...
Breast... Thank you.Copy !req
562. - Where are you going?
- To get my job back.Copy !req
563. I am greatCopy !req
564. I am...Copy !req
565. Good grief! Is that what I'm driving?Copy !req
566. - Nice car, man.
- It gets me from A to B.Copy !req
567. Darn. All this horsepower
and no room to gallop!Copy !req
568. Hi-yo, Silver. Away!Copy !req
569. I wouldn't want to be a fugitive
with Hank,Copy !req
570. Buffalo's number one police dog,
on the job.Copy !req
571. Phil Sidleman, at the police canine
training centre, Channel 5 News.Copy !req
572. Cut.Copy !req
573. Look what the cat coughed up!
Channel 7. The guy that went crazy.Copy !req
574. - I had a bad moment.
- Why are you here?Copy !req
575. - Looking for a story.
- No story here.Copy !req
576. This pond is all fished out.
Pretty standard stuff, anyway.Copy !req
577. My instinct tells me
there's something more.Copy !req
578. Go with that.
It served you well in the past.Copy !req
579. Hank found something!Copy !req
580. We got a body!Copy !req
581. Get the camera! Now!Copy !req
582. - The keys are inside!
- Every dog has his day.Copy !req
583. Want to make $10?Copy !req
584. - Know how to use one of these?
- Duh.Copy !req
585. Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.Copy !req
586. The body of Jimmy Hoffa
was uncovered in a field today,Copy !req
587. outside a canine training centre
in Buffalo.Copy !req
588. - Bruce Nolan was first on the scene.
- Thank you, Jane.Copy !req
589. The body is being carefully exhumedCopy !req
590. for transportation to a facility
where DNA can confirm the identity.Copy !req
591. That, however, is merely a formality,Copy !req
592. as the body was found with a
birth certificate and dental records.Copy !req
593. A red-letter day for any canine unit.Copy !req
594. Was that enough for Hank?
No, sirree.Copy !req
595. Moments later, he busted a news crew
with 220 pounds of marijuana.Copy !req
596. I never saw it before! I swear!Copy !req
597. I'm Bruce Nolan...Copy !req
598. and that's the way the cookie crumbles!Copy !req
599. Good work. I'm impressed.Copy !req
600. Need me for something?Copy !req
601. Just the man I want to see.
Hoffa? What are the odds?Copy !req
602. What are the odds?Copy !req
603. Sit down.Copy !req
604. I'll be straight with you.
We want you back.Copy !req
605. It was not my decision to let you go.Copy !req
606. - When the big guy gives an order...
- No harm, no foul.Copy !req
607. I needed to reassess
and get in touch with myself.Copy !req
608. - In a day?
- Imagine what I could do with seven.Copy !req
609. It's not in my power to give you anchor.Copy !req
610. But as far as field reporting goes...Copy !req
611. Cut the crap
and get down to brass tacks.Copy !req
612. I had you going.Copy !req
613. Don't worry about it, my old friend.Copy !req
614. Give me a camera.
I'll give you the news.Copy !req
615. I let the jalapenos marinate
in a spicy sauceCopy !req
616. for 24 hours
before I stir it into the chilli.Copy !req
617. Then I let it all come to a simmer.Copy !req
618. Hold that thought.Copy !req
619. It seems as if an asteroid
or meteoriteCopy !req
620. has hit ground outside
the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-Off!Copy !req
621. This should spice things up!Copy !req
622. His stories are all over town.Copy !req
623. From unearthing Hoffa...Copy !req
624. to a meteor crashing...Copy !req
625. Bruce Nolan is becoming known as...Copy !req
626. That's the way the cookie crumbles!Copy !req
627. This was Bruce's idea?Copy !req
628. He wanted me to have a day of beauty
and luxurious serenity.Copy !req
629. He is impressing me lately.Copy !req
630. Know where he's taking me to dinner?Copy !req
631. Where?Copy !req
632. The Blue Palm?Copy !req
633. - I just got chills.
- I know.Copy !req
634. He told me to prepare
for the most memorable night of our lives.Copy !req
635. - He's going to propose.
- Stop it. No. He's...Copy !req
636. - Really?
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
637. He sends you to a spa,Copy !req
638. takes you to a romantic restaurant,
where you had your first date.Copy !req
639. I never thought I'd say it, Bruce is
right. This is your night. Enjoy it.Copy !req
640. Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six,
with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter,Copy !req
641. Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.Copy !req
642. Now, Buffalo's number one news team.Copy !req
643. Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six.
I'm Susan Ortega.Copy !req
644. I'm Evan Baxter.
Here's what's making news.Copy !req
645. A potential scandal
with the Buffalo PD surfaced today,Copy !req
646. when the mayor demanded...Copy !req
647. When the mayor demanded the chief...
When the mayor demanded...Copy !req
648. issued a response to...Copy !req
649. - I seem to have something stuck in...
- Get him some water.Copy !req
650. My new co-anchor needs water.Copy !req
651. There we go. Sorry.Copy !req
652. In other news, the prime minister
of Sweden visited Washington today,Copy !req
653. and my tiny little nipples went to France.Copy !req
654. What did he say? Check the prompter.Copy !req
655. - It's fine.
- Evan, read the copy. It's good.Copy !req
656. The White House received
the prime rib roast minister,Copy !req
657. and I do the cha-cha
like a sissy girl.Copy !req
658. I lika doCopy !req
659. da cha-cha.Copy !req
660. I'm sorry. We seem to be
having technical difficulties.Copy !req
661. In other news...Copy !req
662. My apologies.Copy !req
663. May I?Copy !req
664. It's perfect. She'll love it.Copy !req
665. I was going to wait until after the meal,Copy !req
666. but it'll burst out of me
like an alien if I don't do it now.Copy !req
667. This is it, isn't it?
I don't know if I'm ready for this.Copy !req
668. I'm ready. I didn't know
if I would... I'm sorry, go on.Copy !req
669. - I didn't know it mattered to you.
- Me, neither.Copy !req
670. I got anchor.Copy !req
671. It wasn't working out with Evan,Copy !req
672. so he's going to finish the week
and I go live on Monday.Copy !req
673. - That's great, honey.
- I know.Copy !req
674. - So that's what this is about.
- Yeah.Copy !req
675. Jack's throwing me a party Friday
at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.Copy !req
676. - What's wrong?
- Nothing.Copy !req
677. Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul...Copy !req
678. I feel stupid.Copy !req
679. - It's loud in here.
- It's not loud.Copy !req
680. Keep it down to a dull roar.Copy !req
681. - Thank you!
- Is that supposed to be funny?Copy !req
682. Because it's not.Copy !req
683. - What are you saying?
- What is wrong? Stop yelling.Copy !req
684. Can you excuse me?
I'll take a trip to the...Copy !req
685. The wine is going right through me.Copy !req
686. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
687. Keep going, Tony! You're great!Copy !req
688. What is going on here?
What is this?Copy !req
689. Give me a break!Copy !req
690. Really something, isn't it?Copy !req
691. - Is this heaven?
- No, this is Mount Everest.Copy !req
692. You should watch
the Discovery Channel sometimes.Copy !req
693. But I guess you can't now,
being dead and all.Copy !req
694. - I'm dead?
- No, I'm messing with you.Copy !req
695. That's not funny, man!Copy !req
696. And the voices in my head?
Is that part of the hilarity?Copy !req
697. Those are prayers.
You keep ignoring them, they'll build up.Copy !req
698. It's just noise.
I can't understand them.Copy !req
699. You're not listening, son.Copy !req
700. Let's see.Copy !req
701. You've had my powers a week.
How many people have you helped?Copy !req
702. I took care of a few things.Copy !req
703. I righted a few wrongs
in my own life first.Copy !req
704. I was going to help the others.Copy !req
705. - I could help the world.
- That wasn't the world.Copy !req
706. That was Buffalo, between
57th Street and Commonwealth.Copy !req
707. I didn't want to start you
with more than you could handle.Copy !req
708. You took the job.
I suggest you get to it.Copy !req
709. Prayers, prayers.Copy !req
710. This whisper thing has to end.
I need organisation and management.Copy !req
711. I need a system. Something concrete.
Concentrate.Copy !req
712. Files. Let all prayers
be organised into files.Copy !req
713. That takes care of the voices.
Not exactly a space-saver, though.Copy !req
714. Grace might notice.Copy !req
715. I know. Prayer Post-its!Copy !req
716. I need something with a lock.
Security. A password.Copy !req
717. A password.Copy !req
718. Yahweh!Copy !req
719. You've got prayers.Copy !req
720. Welcome to the revelation superhighway.Copy !req
721. We bless, no mess. Downloading now.Copy !req
722. It's good!Copy !req
723. This is going to take a while.Copy !req
724. I'd better manifest some coffee.Copy !req
725. That's fresh, mountain-grown
coffee from the hills of Colombia.Copy !req
726. I have to have made
some kind of a dent by now.Copy !req
727. Come on!Copy !req
728. What a bunch of whiners.
This will suck up my life.Copy !req
729. Yes. To all.Copy !req
730. There you go.
Now everybody's happy.Copy !req
731. I'll drink to that.
My tech stocks tripled in five days.Copy !req
732. Joe, you seem taller.Copy !req
733. - I am.
- My daughter pitched a no-hitter.Copy !req
734. I lost 47 pounds
on the Krispy Kreme diet.Copy !req
735. There he is!
The man of the hour!Copy !req
736. Bless you! Bless all of you!Copy !req
737. Be fruitful, and do long division
or something!Copy !req
738. Try that. It's an excellent year.Copy !req
739. - Who do you like in the game?
- The Sabres. Coach prays a lot.Copy !req
740. This is Bruce, Grace and Sam.
Leave a message.Copy !req
741. Are you there? It's me.Copy !req
742. Come on, Grace. Come to the party.Copy !req
743. I'll call you later, OK?Copy !req
744. Come on, Sam.Copy !req
745. Help me out.Copy !req
746. Sam, don't. Come on.Copy !req
747. - Tell me.
- If I do, it might not come true.Copy !req
748. What do you want, Mary?
You want the moon?Copy !req
749. I'll throw a lasso around it
and pull it down.Copy !req
750. That's a good idea. I'll give you the moon.Copy !req
751. I'll take it.Copy !req
752. - Then what?
- Then you could swallow it.Copy !req
753. And it'd all dissolve.Copy !req
754. Moonbeams would shoot out of
your fingers and the ends of your hair.Copy !req
755. This is Bruce, Grace and Sam.Copy !req
756. - Why are you in here all alone?
- I was going to...Copy !req
757. I was going to give Grace a call.Copy !req
758. I didn't see her here.
So how are you and Grace doing?Copy !req
759. Actually, we had a bit of a fight.
I'm not sure if she's...Copy !req
760. You're on fire, Bruce.Copy !req
761. Some women can't handle fire.Copy !req
762. Some can.Copy !req
763. That's interesting, cos I never thought
we would ever talk...Copy !req
764. You might want to stop touching me now.Copy !req
765. Come here!Copy !req
766. This is weird. I was just calling you.Copy !req
767. You thought Susan's mouth
was the phone?Copy !req
768. She kissed me.Copy !req
769. - You put up a big fight.
- I tried to stop her, but she's strong.Copy !req
770. I screwed up.
Can I make it up to you?Copy !req
771. Why don't you get me a boat?Copy !req
772. A big boat.
And two big bags of cash.Copy !req
773. Then I'll be happy.Copy !req
774. Lots of money and lots of stuff!Copy !req
775. Other people wanna get married
or have babies with the man they love.Copy !req
776. But not me. Just give me the boat.Copy !req
777. No wonder you stayed single!Copy !req
778. - Don't do this.
- I'm not doing this. I'm undoing it.Copy !req
779. I'll be at Debbie's.
Keep Sam until I make arrangements.Copy !req
780. You can't leave me.Copy !req
781. I'm the Alpha, lady!Copy !req
782. I'm the Omega, baby!Copy !req
783. Fine! I don't need you!Copy !req
784. What's wrong? She can't handle
a little competition?Copy !req
785. Game's been called
on account of rain.Copy !req
786. An unusually high number of lottery
winners has officials concerned.Copy !req
787. 1100 winning tickets
have been turned in,Copy !req
788. all, strangely, from the Buffalo area.Copy !req
789. More on this story as it develops.Copy !req
790. Enjoying your party? Nothing like
spending quality time with friends.Copy !req
791. - Grace left me.
- Yeah, I know.Copy !req
792. She'll take me back.Copy !req
793. - She'll take me back, right?
- Would you take you back?Copy !req
794. How do you make somebody love you
without affecting free will?Copy !req
795. Welcome to my world.Copy !req
796. If you come up with an answer
to that one, let me know.Copy !req
797. Rise and shine, Buffalo.Copy !req
798. It's 70 and sunny and the perfect day
to forgive Bruce.Copy !req
799. - Bye.
- Have fun.Copy !req
800. - Can I get a coffee to go?
- Sure.Copy !req
801. K-Tel Records brings you
the 100 greatest love songs of all time.Copy !req
802. You'll hear such classics
as "All You Need Is Bruce",Copy !req
803. "If You Can't Be With The One
You Love, Then Love Bruce",Copy !req
804. "Do That To Bruce One More Time".Copy !req
805. And who can forget, "Bruce So Horny
?Copy !req
806. Order today and we'll throw in
the video Sweatin' to Bruce.Copy !req
807. Just dial 1900-4 GIV HIM:Copy !req
808. That's 1900-4 GIV HIM. Do it now.Copy !req
809. Don't put that in your mouth.
That's not food.Copy !req
810. Go to the bathroom.
Wash your mouth and your hands.Copy !req
811. That kid is gonna poop an ornament.Copy !req
812. Do it, you're in a lot of trouble.Copy !req
813. All right, that's it!Copy !req
814. I surrender!Copy !req
815. I'm doing my first anchor tonight.Copy !req
816. That's great.Copy !req
817. - How have you been?
- Good.Copy !req
818. - Debbie won the lottery.
- You're kidding.Copy !req
819. But so did 400,000 other people,
so she only won $17.Copy !req
820. I miss you.Copy !req
821. I took the first step. Jumped out on a ledge.Copy !req
822. Feeling pretty vulnerable.Copy !req
823. - What do you want me to say?
- You want me back.Copy !req
824. - No.
- What about all the signs?Copy !req
825. How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?Copy !req
826. Would it help if I said
I was a complete ass?Copy !req
827. You said "ass"!Copy !req
828. It's OK if I'm talking about a donkey.
I didn't say "hole". If I said "ass..."Copy !req
829. No, wait. Honey, let's go inside.Copy !req
830. Kids! Everybody inside. Time to go in.Copy !req
831. Please.
None of this seems right without you.Copy !req
832. I have to go.Copy !req
833. Wait!Copy !req
834. How do you feel now?Copy !req
835. Have you completely lost your mind?Copy !req
836. - Are you drunk?
- Drunk with power.Copy !req
837. Love me.Copy !req
838. Love me. Love me.Copy !req
839. Love me!Copy !req
840. I did.Copy !req
841. Yeah, I know. Free will.Copy !req
842. More power outages reported today
from last week's meteorite strike.Copy !req
843. Officials are trying
to repair transformersCopy !req
844. damaged by the electrical surge.Copy !req
845. It nearly turned violentCopy !req
846. when Buffalo residents
protested last week's lottery results.Copy !req
847. Doomsayers are saying
last week's strange celestial eventsCopy !req
848. are signs that prophecy is being fulfilled,Copy !req
849. and the world is coming to an end.Copy !req
850. The world's gone mad.Copy !req
851. 30 seconds to air.Copy !req
852. There you are. Your big debut.
How do you feel?Copy !req
853. You know what? I'm fine.
Never better. The show must go on.Copy !req
854. - The Sabres won the Stanley Cup.
- You're kidding!Copy !req
855. Was that tonight? That's great.Copy !req
856. It's crazy out there. We're going to
kick live to Fred at the stadium.Copy !req
857. Five seconds.Copy !req
858. - You ready?
- Born that way.Copy !req
859. Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six,
with Susan Ortega, Bruce Nolan,Copy !req
860. Fred Donohue and Dallas Coleman.Copy !req
861. Buffalo's number one news team.Copy !req
862. - I'm Susan Ortega.
- I'm Bruce Nolan.Copy !req
863. And here's what's making news.Copy !req
864. - What happened?
- We lost power.Copy !req
865. Transformer's down.Copy !req
866. Ever since that damn meteorite hit.Copy !req
867. - It's OK.
- We apologise for the interruption.Copy !req
868. - Back to the news. Bruce?
- Thank you.Copy !req
869. I'm sorry. We're going live
to HSBC Arena,Copy !req
870. where the Buffalo Sabres
have won the Stanley Cup.Copy !req
871. Great.Copy !req
872. We're uncorking champagneCopy !req
873. because the Sabres have won
their first championship in 22 years!Copy !req
874. What in the blue blazes?Copy !req
875. We'll be back with the Sabres'
victory in a hot second.Copy !req
876. In other news...Copy !req
877. - Bloody hell!
- What is it now?Copy !req
878. - The booth is down.
- It's not!Copy !req
879. In other news, fighting erupted
in the Gaza Strip today,Copy !req
880. as Israelis and Palestinians...Copy !req
881. - Bruce.
- What?Copy !req
882. They're rioting outside.Copy !req
883. - You're kidding.
- The town's gone crazy.Copy !req
884. Go on, Bruce. Say something.Copy !req
885. Ladies and gentlemen, this just in.Copy !req
886. Possibly the biggest breaking news story
this town has ever seen.Copy !req
887. And I gotta go.Copy !req
888. I'm sorry, Jack.Copy !req
889. Susan, it's all yours.Copy !req
890. Sabres!Copy !req
891. Sabres rule!Copy !req
892. Down with the lottery!Copy !req
893. Repent! The end is near!Copy !req
894. The lottery sucks! I only won 17 bucks!Copy !req
895. Channel 7 blows!Copy !req
896. God!Copy !req
897. God?Copy !req
898. Are you here?Copy !req
899. Hello? I need your help!Copy !req
900. Clap on! Clap on!Copy !req
901. Figures!Copy !req
902. Hello there, Bruce Almighty.Copy !req
903. Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
This God business.Copy !req
904. They're all out of control.Copy !req
905. It's mayhem. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
906. You're right on time.
Seven o'clock.Copy !req
907. The 7th at 7:00.Copy !req
908. All righty, then.Copy !req
909. - There we are.
- It's good.Copy !req
910. It's a wonderful thing.Copy !req
911. No matter how filthy something gets,
you can always clean it right up.Copy !req
912. There were so many.
I gave them what they wanted.Copy !req
913. Since when does anyone
have a clue about what they want?Copy !req
914. So what do I do?Copy !req
915. Parting your soup is not a miracle.
It's a magic trick.Copy !req
916. A single mom working two jobs,Copy !req
917. who finds time to take her kid
to soccer practice, that's a miracle.Copy !req
918. A teenager who says no to drugs
and yes to an education,Copy !req
919. that's a miracle.Copy !req
920. People want me to do everything.
They don't realise they have the power.Copy !req
921. You want to see a miracle, son?Copy !req
922. Be the miracle.Copy !req
923. Are you leaving?Copy !req
924. I figure you can handle things now.Copy !req
925. But what if I need you?
What if I have questions?Copy !req
926. That's your problem.
That's everybody's problem.Copy !req
927. You keep looking up.Copy !req
928. Order has been restored
after this evening's downtown riot.Copy !req
929. Officials have suspended lottery
sales pending an investigation.Copy !req
930. No injuries were reported,
but there were dozens of arrests.Copy !req
931. - Thanks a million.
- No problem.Copy !req
932. God bless.Copy !req
933. Bruce giveth, and Bruce...Copy !req
934. taketh away.Copy !req
935. If you don't like it... mega-bite me.Copy !req
936. I suppose you're here to gloat about
the anchor position. Go ahead.Copy !req
937. Actually, I...Copy !req
938. I came to tell you
I've been a royal prick.Copy !req
939. The anchor position is yours.
I turned down the job.Copy !req
940. I never really congratulated you.Copy !req
941. Congratulations.Copy !req
942. Thanks, Bruce.Copy !req
943. In the financial world, things are back
to normal, after a fluke market fluctuation.Copy !req
944. - You made the right move.
- You ready to go back out there?Copy !req
945. Do the cutesy stuff?
The lighter side of the news?Copy !req
946. Lower and debase myself
for the amusement of strangers?Copy !req
947. I could do that. Sounds like fun.Copy !req
948. Good.Copy !req
949. Let's do it like the other dogs.Copy !req
950. Not to make you feel bad,
but they're laughing at you.Copy !req
951. Come on. Concentrate.Copy !req
952. Pump it out, if you have to.Copy !req
953. What am I going to do with you?Copy !req
954. I know this seems crazy,Copy !req
955. but desperate times
call for desperate measures.Copy !req
956. Do your thing.Copy !req
957. That's it. Good boy!Copy !req
958. Training my dog.Copy !req
959. Yes! We did it!Copy !req
960. We're doing it doggy style!Copy !req
961. I'll alert Penthouse Forum.Copy !req
962. Hi, Deb. How are you?Copy !req
963. How's Grace?Copy !req
964. I didn't come to chat.
I came for Grace's stuff.Copy !req
965. - You need a?
- That's OK. I've got it.Copy !req
966. I don't know if she...
I don't know if she wants that or not.Copy !req
967. This is full. You did all this?Copy !req
968. Know what I do before I go to bed?Copy !req
969. I tuck my kids in, maybe have
some ice cream and watch Conan.Copy !req
970. Know what Grace does?Copy !req
971. She prays.Copy !req
972. Most of the time for you.Copy !req
973. Find Grace Connelly.Copy !req
974. The woman does pray a lot.Copy !req
975. Find... Grace and Bruce.Copy !req
976. "Dear God, help Bruce find himself,
find contentment, find you."Copy !req
977. "Dear God, help Bruce.
He's struggling."Copy !req
978. "Dear God, give Bruce strength.
Dear God, bless Bruce."Copy !req
979. It's her.Copy !req
980. Sammy, she's logging on.
She's praying right now.Copy !req
981. Please, God.Copy !req
982. Please.Copy !req
983. I still love him.Copy !req
984. But I don't want to love him any more.Copy !req
985. I don't want to hurt any more.
Please. Help me forget.Copy !req
986. Please help me let him go.Copy !req
987. You win!Copy !req
988. I'm done!Copy !req
989. Please!
I don't want to do this any more!Copy !req
990. I don't want to be God.Copy !req
991. I want you to decide what's right for me!Copy !req
992. I surrender to your will!Copy !req
993. Am I?Copy !req
994. You can't kneel down in the highway
and live to talk about it.Copy !req
995. But why?Copy !req
996. Why now?Copy !req
997. You have the divine spark.Copy !req
998. You have the gift for bringing joy
and laughter to the world.Copy !req
999. I know. I created you.Copy !req
1000. - Quit bragging.
- See? That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
1001. That's the spark.Copy !req
1002. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
1003. I want you to pray, son.Copy !req
1004. Go ahead. Use them.Copy !req
1005. Lord, feed the hungry,Copy !req
1006. and bring peace to...Copy !req
1007. all of mankind.Copy !req
1008. - How's that?
- Great.Copy !req
1009. If you want to be Miss America.Copy !req
1010. Come on.
What do you really care about?Copy !req
1011. You want her back?Copy !req
1012. No.Copy !req
1013. I want her to be happy.Copy !req
1014. No matter what that means.Copy !req
1015. I want her to find someone...Copy !req
1016. who'll treat her...Copy !req
1017. with all the love
she deserved from me.Copy !req
1018. I want her to meet someone...Copy !req
1019. who'll see her always...Copy !req
1020. as I do now.Copy !req
1021. Through your eyes.Copy !req
1022. - Now that's a prayer.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1023. Yeah.Copy !req
1024. - It's good.
- It's good?Copy !req
1025. It's good!Copy !req
1026. I'm going to get right on it.Copy !req
1027. Clear!Copy !req
1028. - That didn't feel good.
- Clear!Copy !req
1029. - Got a rhythm.
- Got a pulse.Copy !req
1030. - Get him up.
- Get the backboard and brace.Copy !req
1031. Welcome back.
You're lucky to be alive.Copy !req
1032. Someone up there likes you.Copy !req
1033. I hear that stuff's
in a warehouse somewhere.Copy !req
1034. Hi, baby.Copy !req
1035. My God, look at you.Copy !req
1036. - I was such an idiot.
- It's OK.Copy !req
1037. I don't know what I would have done.Copy !req
1038. I wanted to be mad at you forever.Copy !req
1039. Now you're just showing off.Copy !req
1040. This is Bruce Nolan at Buffalo's
first "Be the Miracle" blood drive.Copy !req
1041. It's a B-E-A-utiful day.Copy !req
1042. So come on down, because the life
you save could be mine.Copy !req
1043. The Kowolskis have baked
a special cookie just for this occasion.Copy !req
1044. It's creepy and a shameless plug,
but we love them.Copy !req
1045. Thank you, Mama.
Vol, finger, nose!Copy !req
1046. I will have given blood twice this week.Copy !req
1047. For those of you who haven't heard,Copy !req
1048. I'd like to introduce you
to the future Mrs Exclusive.Copy !req
1049. Grace Connelly.
There she is.Copy !req
1050. Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?Copy !req
1051. She just gave blood and she still
has enough to fill up her face.Copy !req
1052. Behind every great man,
there's a woman rolling her eyes.Copy !req
1053. I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News
reminding you to...Copy !req
1054. Be the miracle!Copy !req
1055. You heard them.Copy !req
1056. Cut. Thank you, Bruce.Copy !req
1057. - How was that?
- That was really great.Copy !req
1058. Go over there.
The nurse is waiting.Copy !req
1059. - Do I have to?
- It won't hurt.Copy !req
1060. I think you'll find it pleasurable.Copy !req
1061. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1062. I have a rare blood type.
I'm AB positive.Copy !req
1063. Sounds delicious.Copy !req
1064. There are storehouses
all over the world,Copy !req
1065. with tons of stuff on ice, and...Copy !req
1066. - Sorry.
- You're like this.Copy !req
1067. Positive, IB positive... Sorry.Copy !req
1068. I have a rary...Copy !req
1069. She has a rary!Copy !req
1070. I have a very rare blood type.
I'm AB negative.Copy !req
1071. - I'm IB positive.
- Am I AB negative?Copy !req
1072. I don't know any more.Copy !req
1073. I need a frickin' miracle
to get to work on time.Copy !req
1074. Shit!Copy !req
1075. That'll work.Copy !req
1076. Other stories in the...Copy !req
1077. The prime minister of Sweden
visited Washington, and in other...Copy !req
1078. In other news...Copy !req
1079. I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No...Copy !req
1080. Eyewitness Nose.Copy !req
1081. And clear!Copy !req
1082. Be the miracle!Copy !req
1083. That's right!Copy !req