Bros (2022)

1. Hey, everyone, it's Bobby Leiber,

2. and welcome to your favorite podcast,

3. The 11th Brick at Stonewall.

4. Because we all know a butch lesbian

5. or a trans woman of color

6. probably threw the first brick at Stonewall,

7. but it was a cis, white, gay man who threw the 11th brick.

8. And today, as always, I will take you on a journey

9. throughout LGBTQ+ history and, much more importantly,

10. my own problems and whatever I feel like talking about.

11. And this is a big day, because, as of today,

12. The 11th Brick is celebrating one million subscribers.

13. And in honor of all this exciting news,

14. I am taking your questions live.

15. - First question. - Hi, Bobby.

16. Any chance for more children's books?

17. Oh, not at the moment, but thank you.

18. As some of you know, I wrote a series of children's books

19. to help parents teach kids about gay history,

20. which no one bought.

21. Turns out a four-year-old didn't want to hear

22. a bedtime story about Martina Navratilova.

23. Hey, parents, thanks for teaching your kids about

24. Santa Claus, a straight man that doesn't exist,

25. and not Martina Navratilova, a lesbian who does.

26. In other news, I finally got the footage from my audition

27. to be part of the next cast of Queer Eye,

28. and you can watch that on the app right now.

29. - Oh, no. - Oh, my...

30. I'm sorry. This is not sad.

31. It's just not sad.

32. You gave him a haircut and a pair of pants.

33. I mean, he looks fine.

34. - Not great. - Next caller.

35. What ever happened to that movie you wrote?

36. Oh, yeah. The movie.

37. These big movie producers came to me and said,

38. "We want you to write a rom-com about a gay couple.

39. "Something the whole world would enjoy.

40. "Something that a straight guy might even like

41. and watch with his girlfriend." I said,

42. "Something a straight guy might like? Like what exactly?

43. "Am I gonna be in the middle of some high-speed chase,

44. "and then all of a sudden fall in love with Ice Cube?

45. "Am I gonna get butt-fucked by Jason Momoa

46. while we're both, I don't know, worrying about a volcano?"

47. And he said, "Bobby, we just want to make a movie

48. "that shows the world gay and straight relationships

49. "are the same.

50. Love is love is love."

51. I said, "Love is love is love?

52. "No, it's not. That's bullshit.

53. "That is a lie we had to make up to convince you idiots

54. "to finally treat us fairly.

55. "Love is not love.

56. "Our relationships are different.

57. Our sex lives are different."

58. And he said, "Bobby, we were just trying to make

59. a nice movie about nice gay people."

60. And I said, "Well, there's your first mistake,

61. because not all gay people are nice."

62. And I got up and left.

63. Anyway, it's totally fine.

64. I'm not the right person to write a rom-com anyway.

65. Why not?

66. Um, I don't know.

67. I mean, I'm 40 years old. I've never been in love.

68. I've never even had a serious relationship, which is fine.

69. You know, I love my life. I love my freedom.

70. I love my independence, but, you know,

71. probably means I'm not the right person

72. to write a love story.

73. In exciting news, I remain very horny,

74. and tonight I am being honored at the LGBTQ+ Pride Awards.

75. Being in the NFL, I never thought I could come out.

76. For years, I had to suffer as a hot, ripped, gay person,

77. living my life in private.

78. But this last year has really shown me

79. how amazing life can be when you are finally publicly hot.

80. Thank you.

81. And now, please welcome

82. Emmy and Tony Award winner Kristin Chenoweth.

83. Good evening.

84. What an honor for me to be here tonight.

85. On my head is a hat depicting the Stonewall riots,

86. where the queer liberation movement began.

87. And now, the award for cis, white, gay man of the year.

88. Please welcome Bobby Leiber.

89. - Thank you.

90. Oh, my goodness.

91. Thank you, New York! Thank you!

92. Thank you.

93. Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum,

94. the Bert and Ernie of Ancient Egypt.

95. Many scholars believe that they are

96. the first recorded same-sex couple in history.

97. Yet to this day, there are historians

98. who refuse to believe that these men were lovers

99. and insist that they were brothers instead.

100. Thus began 5,000 years of queer love stories

101. erased from the history books.

102. No gay love stories to teach us about love

103. and how to love each other.

104. Well, I'm happy to say this erasure ends today.

105. And I am thrilled to announce I have accepted a position

106. as the executive director of the first

107. national LGBTQ+ history museum,

108. - right here in New York City!

109. Thank you, New York!

110. Thank you.

111. Thank you so much.

112. Hey, what's up?

113. Hey, what's up?

114. Looking? Into?

115. Bottom here.

116. Versatile.

117. Sure you are.

118. - Hey, what's up? - Hey, what's up?

119. Thank you.

120. You want to finish?

121. Uh, I think I'm good, actually.

122. - Okay, I'll get you something for that. -Yeah.

123. Thanks.

124. For me, the cold and awkward

125. Grindr hookup is often followed by

126. a walk around the city by myself.

127. Anyone else do that?

128. It's weird, because you still had,

129. like, this romantic encounter.

130. Even though it was odd or unsatisfying

131. and you don't even know the person,

132. you're still feeling this kind of

133. post-sex warmth and wistfulness.

134. So I usually walk around for a bit

135. and I kind of coast on that warm feeling

136. as long as it lasts.

137. And between the weird sex with strangers that you don't like

138. and conversations with friends you love

139. that you would never have sex with, you know,

140. you cobble together a version of a romantic single life.

141. And it's good, you know?

142. It works.

143. It's a lot more than

144. what a lot of other people have in this world.

145. And you try to remember that.

146. As always, this podcast is

147. brought to you by Career Donkey.

148. Hi, hi. I'm sorry.

149. - I-I know. I'm sorry.

150. All right, what's going on? What did I miss?

151. How are you guys, Lucas?

152. Uh, well, our surrogate

153. just hit three months, and, not only that, but we are...

154. - Having triplets! -Trip...

155. - Oh, my God, congratulations! - That's amazing. Yeah!

156. I'm sorry, you guys. I have to go.

157. A late shift at the bar.

158. But it was great meeting you guys.

159. - Nice to meet you. - And congratulations, boys.

160. - Thank you. - Bye, Marty.

161. - See you later. Text us. - Bye, y'all.

162. Wait, so what's happening?

163. Didn't you guys have an announcement?

164. Okay, uh, so, I totally know this is a little weird

165. and unexpected, but the reason we've been

166. hanging around with Marty so much is that

167. we are kind of dating him.

168. - Oh. - Okay.

169. Wait a second.

170. - Wait, wait, wait.

171. What do you mean you're dating him?

172. I mean, together, like, as a couple.

173. We're seeing him.

174. I guess it's kind of like a throuple situation.

175. - Hold on.

176. So, wait, what does that mean exactly?

177. Like, are you guys just having threesomes or something?

178. Well, we hooked up, but then we started spending

179. a bunch of time together after.

180. It turns out we have a lot in common.

181. It's more than just sex. We genuinely like each other.

182. —Wait, wait. So, how long has this been going on?

183. - Six months? - Oh.

184. Six mon— You're in a throuple for six months

185. and you didn't tell me?

186. We didn't know it'd get that serious.

187. How serious is it gonna get? You're in a throuple.

188. What are you gonna do next, tell your grandparents?

189. Hi, Grandma.

190. Oh, hi, honey.

191. - I have some news. - Yes?

192. Peter and I are jointly fucking a third person!

193. Oh, my goodness!

194. It's Paul.

195. He and Peter are jointly fucking someone else!

196. Oh, how wonderful. It's a throuple.

197. - Oh.

198. - We'll be fine.

199. We really trust each other enough to do this.

200. Just be careful.

201. I know a lot of guys who've done this,

202. and it's a slippery slope.

203. These things are fragile, and, you know, we're men.

204. Okay? Men dating men. Love is not love.

205. We are horny and selfish and stupid. I am, too.

206. Yeah, someone called into my show the other day and asked me

207. why I'm still single. I said, "You want to know why?

208. "Because I've been gay my whole life,

209. and I don't trust these gay motherfuckers."

210. I support them, but I don't trust them.

211. - And are you happy? - Who's so happy all the time?

212. Uh, a lot of people.

213. Well, I really don't trust those people.

214. - Mr. Leiber?

215. Sorry. I love your podcast.

216. - Can I, can I get a selfie? - Oh, sure.

217. Thank you.

218. - Shit.

219. I told Henry I'd meet him at this launch party.

220. Ugh, I wanted to go home and change first.

221. Aren't you guys just gonna take your shirts off anyway?

222. No, we're not just gonna take our shirts off.

223. It's not 2003.

224. You have a very clichéd view of what gay men do at a party.

225. What app is this for again?

226. It's this new hookup app my company is launching.

227. We've got Grindr. We've got Tinder.

228. This is Zellweger.

229. It's for gay guys who just want to talk about actresses

230. - then go to bed. - Oh, I'd use that.

231. Bobby, I had sex with a 65-year-old.

232. Sixty-five?

233. He didn't have an age on his profile.

234. He was really nice, he had an amazing body,

235. but he had this, like, big, white beard.

236. I felt like Mrs. Claus.

237. I kind of love that.

238. There's that guy Aaron.

239. Oh, yeah, I don't know who that is.

240. He's at the gym sometimes.

241. Very hot. Very boring.

242. - Oh, what else is new? - Oh.

243. Also, today I had sex with a guy who peed on me.

244. Oh, are you into that?

245. Not really, but what else was I doing?

246. Fair enough.

247. It was honestly kind of boring.

248. Hey, what's up?

249. Hey.

250. - Well, hello, Aaron. - Hey.

251. This is Bobby.

252. Do you boys need another drink?

253. - I'm getting a shitrocket. - What the hell's a shitrocket?

254. It's like a Red Bull but with protein.

255. Oh.

256. Shitrocket and vodka, I guess.

257. Move, boys. Daddy needs a drink.

258. Thank you.

259. You look angry.

260. Me?

261. Well, I'm not.

262. That's just the way I look.

263. I know. People always come up to me and tell me that,

264. but I'm not.

265. I'm not angry.

266. I listen to your podcast.

267. Oh, really?

268. Oh, that's cool.

269. I hear you're boring.

270. Who said that? I'm not boring.

271. I don't know.

272. A lot of people.

273. Cool.

274. I'm sorry. That was mean.

275. I'm very bad at flirting.

276. And I'm also the type of person who tells you I'm flirting,

277. which is so sexy.

278. It's okay.

279. What do you do?

280. Uh, for work?

281. I do probate law. I'm an estate planner.

282. Basically, I write people's wills.

283. - Do you like it? - Oh, sure.

284. When I was a kid, first thing I would think

285. when I would meet someone is, "Who's that person

286. gonna leave their shit to when they die?"

287. I really wanted to be part of the legal logistics of that.

288. That's funny.

289. That guy's hot, right?

290. Oh, yeah. He is.

291. I'm supposed to fuck him and his husband later.

292. Cool.

293. Very good.

294. - Oh, I love this song. - What is this?

295. Old-school Mariah.

296. How do you not know this?

297. I'm more of a country guy.

298. You know, like Garth Brooks.

299. Garth Brooks?

300. Who are you?

301. Actually, Carrie Underwood blocked me on Twitter...

302. What the fuck?

303. - Where the fuck did he go? - I don't know.

304. This is why I hate these people.

305. Oh, my God. That's the 65-year-old.

306. Jesus, he's ripped.

307. I know. It's like they injected steroids into Dumbledore.

308. Hey, what's up?

309. - Thanks. - Hey.

310. Where'd you go?

311. I don't know. Nowhere.

312. Yas, live your lives, queens!

313. Okurrr.

314. Gay guys are so stupid.

315. Oh, my God, I know.

316. Gay guys are usually, like, the absolute smartest

317. or, like, the dumbest people I've ever met.

318. We've been smart enough to brand ourselves

319. as being smart and clever.

320. I've hooked up with guys,

321. and afterwards I'll make a joke

322. or I'll say something sarcastic.

323. And the guy does not understand that I'm making a joke.

324. Literally does not understand satire.

325. I know.

326. And straight people think we're all smart,

327. - but a lot of these guys are dumb as shit. -Yes.

328. It's our little secret.

329. Actually...

330. Are you fucking kidding me?

331. - Hey. - Hey, what were you talking

332. to Aaron about for so long?

333. Just about how a lot of gay guys

334. are secretly incredibly stupid.

335. - Oh, how fabulous. - I don't understand.

336. We're having a good time, and then he ghosts me.

337. He just fucking disappears.

338. Bobby, don't. Let it go. He's a dick.

339. No, I am not letting it go. I do not let things go.

340. - Why aren't you dancing? - I am dancing, okay?

341. What do you want me to do, the fucking Nutcracker Suite?

342. Hey.

343. Hey, what's up?

344. I tried to kiss you

345. and you didn't kiss me back is what's up.

346. I'm sorry. I'm shy.

347. Please. What are you into?

348. One of these boring, ripped idiots with no opinions?

349. No, I'd like someone who's physically very frail

350. and won't stop talking.

351. Come home with me.

352. I can't.

353. Why?

354. 'Cause you have to fuck the fake baseball player

355. and his husband?

356. - I don't know what to tell you.

357. - Goodbye. - Hey, wait, wait.

358. - Take my number. - Absolutely not.

359. Why?

360. 'Cause I'm one of the smart ones, asshole.

361. Oh, are you emotionally unavailable?

362. No one's more emotionally unavailable than me.

363. No one. I pride myself on that.

364. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

365. Henry has my number.

366. See you on Grindr or Zellweger

367. or whatever the fuck the next one is.

368. I'm not on any of those.

369. Then how do you meet people?

370. I'm not really looking.

371. Yeah.

372. Me neither.

373. Excuse me. Excuse me.

374. - Excuse me.

375. Oh, my God, they cannot stop voguing.

376. - They cannot stop voguing!

377. Excuse me.

378. I know you're voguing, but can I please go home? Please?

379. - I had a gut feeling

380. you would be online now.

381. Hi.

382. Hey, what's up?

383. Not much. You?

384. No.

385. But us texting each other anonymously.

386. I never realized how much Grindr was

387. just like You've Got Mail. Smiley face.

388. Ha ha. LOL. Dick pic?

389. No dick pic. Sorry.

390. Think about You've Got Mail.

391. Meg Ryan would never send you a picture of her genitalia.

392. Ha ha. LOLOL. Can I see your ass?

393. Don't have ass pic. Sorry.

394. Need to see ass pic, though.

395. Don't have ass pic!

396. Not gonna meet up

397. unless you send ass pic.

398. Must see pic of ass!

399. Ow!

400. Fuck!

401. I'm bleeding!

402. How am I gonna shit now?

403. I can't fuck. I can't shit.

404. I'm not a person, goddamn it!

405. It's too fucking flat.

406. Took this just for you, bro.

407. Did he block me?

408. Motherfucker!

409. Hallheart proudly presents

410. our first bisexual holiday film,

411. the award-winning Christmas with Either.

412. Hallheart. Always on the cutting edge...

413. of Christmas.

414. People. Okay.

415. - Okay, people!

416. People, please! It's getting late.

417. We still need to find a donor to fund

418. the exhibit in the final wing.

419. As you know, Pier 1 Imports was supposed to make

420. a big donation, but they went bankrupt

421. and have been bought by the Taliban.

422. Taliban.

423. So, we are short $5 million.

424. We cannot afford to push our opening again.

425. People will think we're in trouble.

426. Maybe this whole place could fall apart.

427. We need new ideas for what goes in the final wing,

428. and we need them now.

429. - Cherry, go. - You know the blue whale

430. hanging in the Museum of Natural History?

431. - Yes. - What about that,

432. but instead of the blue whale, it's a lesbian?

433. - Oh, no. Uh-uh. - Yeah, okay.

434. - Well, yeah, we can't do that. - No.

435. What about a transgender woman from an Indigenous nation?

436. Goddamn it, Wanda!

437. What about the 400 lesbians

438. who fought in the Civil War?

439. Shut up, Cherry. They were not all lesbians.

440. Some of them were trans men.

441. Okay, stop. This building is a rare chance

442. to legitimize the history of bisexuals.

443. Oh, God. Here we go.

444. Yes! We say "LGBTQ,"

445. but we always skip over the "B."

446. I want a hall of bisexuals,

447. like Disney's Hall of Presidents.

448. I want a stage full of animatronic, talking bisexuals.

449. Talking and moving and gesturing bisexuals.

450. You know what?

451. This happens to be Bisexual Awareness Week,

452. and no one has acknowledged it!

453. - I acknowledged. - That is true. My bad.

454. Lesbian History Month was in March.

455. Nobody said a goddamn thing!

456. It's June!

457. It was in March!

458. Of course lesbians get a month and we get a week.

459. - Robert. - What?

460. I want you to know that I hear you.

461. I see you, and I'm holding space for you.

462. There she go. There she go.

463. She never has any ideas of her own,

464. but she's always "holding space."

465. A lesbian wrote "America the Beautiful."

466. - God, no. I can't. - Katharine Lee Bates

467. wrote the lyrics on a napkin.

468. If you go to her house in Virginia, they have the napkin!

469. What if the final exhibit was

470. a recreation of a queer wedding?

471. - I like that. - Okay, that I don't hate.

472. Tamara, that is so sweet.

473. I love that. And people can

474. come and register for wedding gifts here.

475. I'm gonna write that down.

476. Oh, my God, and— No!

477. That is old-fashioned,

478. heteronormative nonsense.

479. We need to get people to rethink history

480. through a queer prism, not comfort them

481. with another fucking gay wedding, all right?

482. It's a museum. It's not Schitt's Creek.

483. - Ooh, I like Schitt's Creek. - But I—

484. Oh, I love Schitt's Creek.

485. - That show has layers. - All right.

486. Everyone loves Schitt's Creek. Great. Okay.

487. That's who you remind me of. Eugene Levy.

488. Yes.

489. Okay, Mr. Funk.

490. How can I help you today?

491. I need to adjust my will.

492. Okay. Can I ask you why?

493. Because I'm dying.

494. I have cancer.

495. I'm so sorry to hear that.

496. I just need to figure out where my money's going.

497. Okay, uh, do you have a partner or spouse?

498. No and no.

499. - Children? - No.

500. - Family member? - No.

501. - Close friend? - Not anymore.

502. Okay, um...

503. well, uh, sometimes it helps to close your eyes

504. and think about who means the most to you in the world.

505. Uh, who is it?

506. Cher.

507. Okay, so you want to leave $100,000...

508. to Cher?

509. Do you really think that she needs that?

510. She has a huge staff.

511. - Uh, okay.

512. Mr. Shepard, uh— Sorry to interrupt.

513. Mrs. Bailey passed away.

514. Oh, God, this is so depressing.

515. I'm so sorry.

516. I can only imagine what you're going through.

517. No, I mean your job.

518. What a downer.

519. It's Aaron. How's Grindr?

520. A dream. I spent 45 minutes

521. taking a picture of my own ass.

522. How are you?

523. How was group sex with that faux Chicago Cub?

524. It was fun. They invited me back tomorrow.

525. Their surrogate is pregnant,

526. and they're having a gender reveal orgy.

527. A gender reveal orgy?

528. James Baldwin would be so proud.

529. LOL. I woke up laughing about

530. you so rudely calling me out on my shit.

531. Well, you deserved it, bitch.

532. Honestly, I was impressed.

533. You may be more emotionally unavailable than I am.

534. Well, maybe we can be

535. emotionally unavailable together.

536. "Maybe we can be

537. emotionally unavailable together"?

538. Who's writing your texts? Maroon 5?

539. - Fuck off. - Kidding!

540. We can go out. Are you asking me out?

541. - I'm down for whatever. - Yeah, same.

542. - Cool. - Sounds good.

543. So, tomorrow? Or we can do whatever.

544. Yeah, I can do whenever, and I can do whatever.

545. - I don't care what we do. -Yeah, me neither.

546. We can do whatever, and we can do it whenever.

547. - Does that work for you? - Yeah, that definitely works.

548. Great. Whatever, whenever.

549. Cool. Whatever, whenever.

550. GIF of Michael Scott dancing.

551. He's good.

552. Office GIF?

553. This person isn't gay.

554. Heart. Ugh, no.

555. Un-heart. Thumbs up.

556. - Peace. - Peace?

557. Later.

558. Can you heart my "later," bitch?

559. Bye.

560. You're from here, right?

561. Your parents still live in the city?

562. No. My parents both passed away actually.

563. - Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, yeah. Thanks.

564. It wasn't recent.

565. My mom died when I was in college,

566. and my dad died like ten years ago.

567. A bee! A bee! A bee!

568. - A bee! A bee! A bee! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

569. Stop swatting. You're gonna kill it.

570. Well, that's what I'm trying to do.

571. It's on my neck.

572. The bees are dying. Don't you read?

573. Yes, about gay stuff and movies.

574. - Can you, like, do something? - Yes.

575. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Here it is.

576. - You're touching the bee! - I know.

577. Okay.

578. Wow. Thank you.

579. You're like a grown-up gay Boy Scout,

580. and I'm like whatever ends up happening to Evan Hansen.

581. Let me see what's playing.

582. What's your favorite movie of all time?

583. What's my favorite movie of all time?

584. I don't know.

585. Why? What's your favorite movie?

586. The Hangover.

587. The Hangover is your favorite movie of all time?

588. How many movies have you seen? One?

589. - It's a funny movie. - Yeah, kinda.

590. And you remember one of the first lines of that movie?

591. "Paging Dr. Faggot."

592. - Remember that? - Yes.

593. "Paging Dr. Faggot" is one of the first lines

594. of the highest-grossing comedy of 2009,

595. and-and no one talks about it.

596. Right? And it wasn't that long ago.

597. You know, we're just supposed to, like, laugh it off.

598. It doesn't bother me. I'm not sensitive like that.

599. I think you just like getting angry at things.

600. Getting angry at things is, like, your brand.

601. What? No, it's not! Fuck you!

602. Getting angry at things is my brand?

603. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

604. You just don't like to complain about it

605. because that means your feelings were hurt,

606. and that means admitting you're weak.

607. And that's too vulnerable.

608. And as much as we go around saying

609. men should be vulnerable, you and I both know

610. that is such bullshit.

611. Because for a lot of these gay guys,

612. sweetness and vulnerability are wonderful and lovely,

613. but they can also be a real boner killer.

614. You're very intense.

615. Yes.

616. - I was kidding, by the way. - About what?

617. The Hangover. It's not my favorite movie.

618. - No, you weren't. - Yeah, I was.

619. I just like seeing you get riled up.

620. - I don't believe you. - I was kidding.

621. Hmm.

622. I don't like this.

623. Okay. Let's see what we have here.

624. Mm-hmm.

625. Oh, The Treasure Inside

626. is supposed to be really good, actually.

627. What's that about?

628. It's about two closeted gay frontiersmen

629. in the California Gold Rush of 1849.

630. But really it's about two straight actors playing gay,

631. trying to win an Oscar.

632. I never tire of watching two very straight actors

633. really transform themselves into being sad and gay.

634. Gay actors playing gay— that's not even acting.

635. Oh, I totally agree.

636. If they ever make a movie about my life,

637. they better hire a straight actor.

638. I like to think of my life story as

639. just another way for Benedict Cumberbatch to really score.

640. Okay, if we don't see this movie, what are we gonna do?

641. Well, I didn't say I didn't want to see the movie.

642. - Oh. - I'll see the fucking movie.

643. I'm dying to.

644. I'd put it way above Call Me by Your Name

645. but sort of below Dallas Buyers.

646. Well, it got me in the end.

647. Yeah, but why does it always have to be so tragic?

648. I don't know. Philadelphia, Milk, Brokeback.

649. Happy endings don't win Oscars.

650. Straight people love seeing us miserable.

651. - Mm. - Wait, Aaron Shepard?

652. - Josh Evans?

653. - Holy shit! What is up, dude? - Hey, man. Bro!

654. - Nice to see you. - It's been for-fucking-ever.

655. Aaron and I— we played hockey in high school.

656. This is my fiancée Samantha.

657. - Hey. Nice to meet you. - Hey.

658. Uh, this is, uh, Bobby.

659. - Hey. - Hey.

660. We just saw The Treasure Inside.

661. It's about closeted gay frontiersmen.

662. Oh. Okay. Nice.

663. It's just, like, some dumb movie.

664. Oh, wait. I want to see that.

665. Gay guys are my jam.

666. - Hmm.

667. So what are you guys doing here?

668. Just a little trip.

669. It's her first time in New York City.

670. This city is sick.

671. - It really is. - Yeah.

672. Well... awesome.

673. - Yeah. - Uh, nice to meet you, Bob.

674. Nice to meet you guys.

675. That is crazy.

676. I never run into anybody from my hometown.

677. Oh, yeah, bro. Totally, bro.

678. Just some dumb movie, bro.

679. I had the biggest crush on him in high school.

680. Yep. That tracks.

681. Well, like the bearded lady in The Greatest Showman,

682. - this is me.

683. Oh.

684. The faux Chicago Cub?

685. Yeah. His husband just sent me that.

686. Wow. They are extremely hot.

687. Yeah, Mike and Doug— they're these roided-out meatheads.

688. They're not the brightest, but they're really sweet.

689. Do you want to go over there?

690. Wait. Are you ditching me again

691. to go fuck the baseball cosplayer and his husband?

692. No, I'm not ditching you. I'm inviting you.

693. Why don't you just come upstairs?

694. Ah, I don't really do the whole relationship thing very well.

695. Relationship?

696. When did I say I wanted to be in a relationship with you?

697. We literally hung out one day.

698. Yeah, but if I go upstairs,

699. it becomes, like, a whole thing and...

700. Whatever. We should just go over there.

701. It'll be fun.

702. I'm not gonna go, but you should go.

703. Can I ask you one thing, though?

704. Why did you text me if you didn't want to hook up?

705. I'm not angry. I'm just honestly curious.

706. I didn't say I didn't want to— I...

707. I guess I had fun talking to you at the club,

708. and I wanted to say, "Hey, what's up?"

709. "Hey, what's up?"

710. So, basically you texted me when you were feeling hungover

711. and lonely in that moment, but you're not actually into me,

712. but you went on the date anyway.

713. Why are gay guys so weird?

714. Actually, you know, we're not weird.

715. We're just constantly catering to our own whims and needs,

716. which can change on a dime, but we never even think about

717. the emotional consequences of the other person.

718. Anyway, it's been a blast catering to your whims.

719. And, honestly, I can't really say anything about it

720. because I do the same thing to people all the time, so...

721. - Fun day. And, um... - Fun day.

722. - Yeah. - Have fun with those guys.

723. Okay. Bye.

724. Bobby, wait.

725. I had a really nice time today.

726. Me, too.

727. I never go on dates, but that was really fun.

728. Yeah. I had a really good time, too.

729. Hey, I'm gonna go.

730. Oh, really?

731. Yeah.

732. Is everything okay? Is this weird?

733. Oh, no, no, no. No, it's fun. It's great.

734. I just— I'm just gonna go.

735. - Okay. - Okay. I'll see you.

736. - Okay. Bye. - Okay.

737. Bye.

738. Hey, guys, I'm gonna go. Thank you so much.

739. - No. You're leaving? - Yeah, I got to go.

740. All right, man. It was nice meeting you.

741. - Yeah, you, too. It was lovely. - Yeah.

742. - Thank you. - All right. Good night.

743. Okay. Okay.

744. Thanks for coming. We're convinced Brian's gay,

745. and I think it's good for him to have his gay uncle around.

746. Oh, my God. Of course.

747. I'm always here to be a good "guncle" to my "g-nephew."

748. - Aw. -Uncle Bobby, will you read my report?

749. It's about Freddie Mercury.

750. He's obsessed with Bohemian Rhapsody.

751. Oh, my God, I love this.

752. And like that movie, does your report take a story

753. about one of the great gay icons and make it about

754. that one time he maybe had sex with a woman?

755. I thought Freddie Mercury was bi.

756. He had a wife.

757. Yeah, well, so did Jesus, and he was gay.

758. This is excellent and an improvement on the film.

759. Good job!

760. What are those GIFs from The Hangover?

761. Nothing.

762. This guy I went out with won't stop texting me.

763. A guy? Really?

764. - Like a Grindr guy? - No, shockingly.

765. I actually met this one in real life.

766. Bobby!

767. That's fantastic!

768. You think you're gonna see him again?

769. No. He told me he prefers group sex

770. to one-on-one because one-on-one is too intense

771. and makes it a whole thing.

772. We went on one date, and we had sex with three people.

773. Gay relationships these days are like a clown car.

774. Oh, there's another one. Oh, look, another one.

775. Oh, another one? It's ridiculous.

776. Plus, I don't think I'm his type.

777. - How do you know? - Because I know.

778. He told me he likes country music

779. and his favorite singer is Garth Brooks.

780. What kind of gay man says

781. his favorite singer is Garth Brooks?

782. That scares me.

783. Plus, I see the guys he likes.

784. They all look exactly like him.

785. They're all these, like, big, hot, straight-acting dudes.

786. It's just not me.

787. Well, is he a top or bottom?

788. What does that have to do with anything?

789. Maybe you're both bottoms, and that's the problem.

790. I'm not always the bottom, Edgar.

791. Bottom dance!

792. - Ooh, bottom dance! - Yeah!

793. Oh, my God.

794. Gay sex was more fun

795. when straight people were uncomfortable with it.

796. Fucking Schitt's Creek.

797. Maybe we should stop talking about

798. anal sex in front of your children.

799. - Nah. -Oh, please. It's a natural part of life.

800. Bobby, ask him out again. You never like anyone.

801. He is so handsome.

802. - So are you. - Y-You're a hottie.

803. He is, like, on another level. He's like gay Tom Brady.

804. When I'm with him, I feel like friggin' Elphaba.

805. I bet he's as intimidated by you as you are by him.

806. - Oh, yeah. - I'm telling you.

807. He's just scared of being vulnerable.

808. Gay guys from your generation

809. still have all these pent-up masculinity issues,

810. and you all just need to get over it already.

811. Half the kids in Brian's class are nonbinary.

812. Well, it's not fair, Tina.

813. We had AIDS, and they had Glee.

814. But there is a work thing

815. I was thinking of maybe inviting him to.

816. - Maybe. - What, a work thing?

817. With lots of celebrities and fancy people?

818. Now, are you gonna peacock to impress him?

819. No. It's just a big fundraiser

820. for the museum, and I need to bring someone.

821. Are you gonna be onstage?

822. No, I am not going to be onstage, okay?

823. I am not some sort of narcissistic sociopath.

824. - Thank you, Doja Cat.

825. Everyone, there are rock paintings in Zimbabwe

826. which depict homosexuality

827. that date back to the year 2000 BCE.

828. If only the men on those paintings

829. had lived another 4,000 years to see a character come out

830. on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

831. - Who did your chin?

832. Oh, no. It's real.

833. Yeah.

834. Mine, too.

835. Please continue to give generously so the museum

836. can tell all the stories in between

837. that have never been told.

838. Thank you very much. Good night.

839. Hey, I'm so sorry I left you alone.

840. - Things got a little crazy. - No.

841. Hey, dude, you-you were, you were awesome.

842. I mean, I could never do that,

843. - speaking in front of a bunch of people like that. -Oh.

844. You move in some pretty fancy circles.

845. I had no idea.

846. Oh, trust me, it's not always this glamorous.

847. - Bobby, that was amazing, as always. -Oh.

848. - Thank you, Charles. - Congrats on everything.

849. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming.

850. Thank you.

851. Great speech, Bobby.

852. Thank you so much.

853. Hey, do you want to see the museum?

854. - I can give you a private tour. - Oh, sure.

855. I-I don't want to drag you away from all this, though.

856. Oh, no, it's fine.

857. - Here. That way. - Okay.

858. This is The Legends Pavilion.

859. Unsung heroes from LGBTQ+ history.

860. Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera.

861. Usually, Stonewall is the only thing

862. straight people know about queer history.

863. Truthfully, no one really knows

864. who threw the first bricks at Stonewall.

865. But it was trans women of color like Marsha and Sylvia

866. who drove the earliest days of the queer liberation movement.

867. So what do you think?

868. It's pretty incredible, right?

869. Yeah. I mean, it's-it's-it's really impressive.

870. But?

871. But it's kind of depressing.

872. It's depressing? It made you depressed?

873. It's AIDS and Nazis and homophobia.

874. All of it's just— it's kind of a downer.

875. Okay. Well, what were you expecting?

876. A Night at the Museum?

877. Honestly, my family loves that movie.

878. Oh, okay.

879. Oh, what if you did something like that?

880. Where-where the things, they come alive,

881. and they, like, talk at you.

882. "Where the things come alive, and they talk at you"?

883. - Yeah. - Like what exactly? Oh, oh.

884. What if we had, like,

885. - a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt, right? -Yeah.

886. And you get really close, and then all of a sudden,

887. you realize that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.

888. It's Amy Schumer.

889. - Oh. - No!

890. It's a museum. It's not supposed to be fun.

891. Bobby.

892. We've got Debra Messing's agent on a Zoom.

893. It's urgent.

894. Debra's worried that she's on the verge of being canceled.

895. She said in an interview that she was

896. the Viola Davis of Tufts, and people are mad.

897. - Her agent is saying

898. that she may give a very big donation to the museum

899. to save face.

900. Who's Debra Messing?

901. From Will & Grace. Oh, my God.

902. - Yes. - Okay, wait. This is amazing.

903. - Yes. -Stay right here. I'll be back in five minutes.

904. - Sure. Yep. - Let's go. -Okay.

905. Aaron?

906. Aaron?

907. What the fuck?

908. - Say hi to your brother. - Sup? -Sup?

909. Jason's staying here

910. while he figures out where to live.

911. Never get divorced, Aaron.

912. - Never get married. - Okay, Mom.

913. I'm sorry. I'm at work, so I-I should probably get going.

914. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.

915. Do you remember Josh Evans?

916. Yeah, Josh Evans from high school.

917. I actually ran into him and his fiancée

918. on the street the other day.

919. Well, they just broke up. And you want to know why?

920. Because he's gay.

921. Josh Ev— No.

922. I'm definitely embarrassed

923. about how long this has taken me,

924. but I'm told people do this in their own time.

925. I've been empowered by my hero, Colton Underwood,

926. to say that, as it turns out, I'm gay.

927. And like this post if you like that I'm gay.

928. Peace.

929. Holy shit.

930. So we started going back and forth for a while,

931. and then at the end, I was just like,

932. "Why don't you call the album Lemonade?"

933. Bobby?

934. When you're ready.

935. - What? - When you're ready.

936. Sorry.

937. Okay. People wonder

938. if America is ready for its first gay president.

939. I say we already had one.

940. For the final wing, please consider

941. A Gay American Love Story.

942. For years, historians have

943. speculated about Lincoln's sexuality.

944. He shared a bed and exchanged intimate letters with

945. multiple men over the years, including Joshua Speed

946. - and David Derrickson. Speed... - Okay, I'm stopping you.

947. Bobby, it won't work. You can't say Lincoln was gay.

948. - Why? - There's no way to confirm

949. those were sexual relationships.

950. There's no evidence of love.

951. Well, of course there's no evidence of love, Robert.

952. We weren't allowed to exist.

953. How would we have enough evidence?

954. Okay, Lincoln was married to a woman and had four children.

955. He was not gay, Bobby.

956. He might have been bi.

957. I am telling you!

958. We have let the world erase gay love stories

959. since the beginning of time.

960. This is our chance to reject the shame

961. and restore the truth.

962. And if we don't do this, we're letting them win.

963. We're letting the heterosexual terrorists win.

964. The heterosexual terrorists?

965. - That's right. - There are also gay terrorists.

966. And there are bi terrorists, okay?

967. There are many bisexual terrorists.

968. Okay, there are trans terrorists, too.

969. - Caitlyn Jenner.

970. Enough, people. Let's vote on it.

971. Okay.

972. Looks like we have two votes

973. for The Great Bisexuals of the World.

974. Thank you, someone.

975. And three votes for The Lincoln Letters.

976. - Lincoln wins. - Yes!

977. - Thank you! Thank you.

978. Debra Messing is in the building.

979. Yes! My girl.

980. Are you okay?

981. - Yeah. - Debra Messing.

982. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

983. Okay. Wish me luck.

984. - Miss Messing. - Oh, please call me Debra.

985. - Oh. - Oh.

986. I love this space.

987. How did you find it?

988. Oh, God. How did we find it?

989. Um, I don't know. I'm sorry.

990. Are you okay, dear? You seem a little flustered.

991. - Trust me.

992. I know I'm Debra Messing, but I'm only human.

993. Right.

994. Um, no, I'm fine.

995. It's a— I'm so sorry. It's boy problems.

996. It's nothing. It's stupid.

997. - Oh. - Yeah.

998. He was actually here last night.

999. He came to the fundraiser with me,

1000. and then out of nowhere, he left, you know.

1001. And I keep texting him, and he doesn't text me back.

1002. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

1003. - How are you? - I am so excited for this tour.

1004. Can I just ask you really quickly?

1005. Because I actually think

1006. you're, like, the perfect person to ask.

1007. What is going on?

1008. You know, like, is he not interested in me

1009. or did something really come up?

1010. And why am I thinking about it so much?

1011. That's what's so annoying.

1012. You know, because I'm never distracted like this, okay?

1013. This is not who I am.

1014. And it's like, what do I do now?

1015. Do I text him again? Do I call him?

1016. Do I go to his house, you know?

1017. What do I do, Debra?

1018. You know, for the last 25 years,

1019. I have been listening to every gay man on earth

1020. complain to me.

1021. I am not my character.

1022. I am not every gay man's best friend.

1023. I am simply out in the world,

1024. thinking that I'm gonna get a tour of a museum, but no. No!

1025. Did I waltz in here and lay all my shit on you?

1026. - Answer me! Answer me! - I'm just— I...

1027. Shut up!

1028. I am a divorced single mother.

1029. You want to hear what that's like?

1030. I'm so sorry about this. I'm terribly embarrassed.

1031. Please let me, let me start again. I...

1032. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wh-What's going on in here?

1033. Do you have some personal shit

1034. you want to complain to me about?

1035. - No. - Of course not.

1036. Because lesbians have their shit together.

1037. I got to go. I lose my sitter in an hour.

1038. Miss Messing, please come back. I'm so sorry.

1039. I am not Grace!

1040. It is a character.

1041. I won an Emmy for it.

1042. I even beat Sarah Jessica Parker.

1043. People forget!

1044. - I'm shaving my head.

1045. What the fuck is this doing here?

1046. Bobby! What is going on with you?

1047. Debra Messing just told you to fuck off.

1048. The door's fucking locked.

1049. - Oh, please let me help you. - No. I want her.

1050. - Hey, it's me.

1051. Um, call me when you're around.

1052. Okay, bye.

1053. Hey, what's up?

1054. What's up?

1055. Sorry I haven't replied.

1056. I've just been busy.

1057. No worries. Same.

1058. You want to hang out this weekend?

1059. Hey, Bobby. I have to be honest.

1060. I really like hanging out with you.

1061. You're so smart and funny,

1062. but I'm not sure I'm the right match for you.

1063. I'm not sure I'm at your level.

1064. Maybe your friends were right when they said I was boring.

1065. Good luck with everything.

1066. Oh, come on.

1067. Sure.

1068. Why are you sitting on the grass

1069. and not this gigantic blanket?

1070. I like grass.

1071. Mm. Cool. Cool.

1072. So what's up?

1073. - What's been going on? - Oh, wait.

1074. Crazy story.

1075. Remember that guy I ran into,

1076. that old buddy from high school?

1077. - Yeah. - Yeah. He just came out.

1078. What?

1079. Broke up with his fiancée. I had no idea.

1080. - Wow. - Crazy.

1081. - Good for him. - Yeah.

1082. That's cool.

1083. Very cool.

1084. Okay, I'm sorry. What is going on?

1085. - What do you mean? - The other night.

1086. Leaving me at the museum like that.

1087. And then you didn't return any of my texts.

1088. Well, you texted me like 15 times.

1089. It was a little scary.

1090. Okay, I need you to be honest with me.

1091. You're not attracted to me, right?

1092. It's okay. I can handle it.

1093. I won't be insulted.

1094. - I just need to know.

1095. Just be honest with me so I don't waste my time.

1096. - I'm not your type, right? - Bobby, it's not that.

1097. - You are a very attractive guy. - Okay. Well, thanks.

1098. So why are you being so weird and passive-aggressive?

1099. Look, you're being very loud, actually.

1100. - You like dumb guys. - What?

1101. Yeah, you heard me. I see what you like.

1102. You like these big, like, fucking bro-ey,

1103. like, meathead idiots.

1104. Oh, is that what you like, Aaron? Yeah?

1105. - You want to play with the big boys, huh? -Yep.

1106. Oh, look, Aaron, they're fighting.

1107. - You want to be in the fight? - Yeah, that's right.

1108. You want to be back in the old high school locker room, huh?

1109. - Yeah. - With your hockey friends,

1110. like, stealing a glance at fucking Josh, right?

1111. - Huh? Yeah, you like that? - Okay.

1112. Hey.

1113. - Yeah, I can be tough. - Oh, wow.

1114. Yeah, I can be tough like your boys.

1115. - You stop that. -Yeah. Oh, that's what you like, huh?

1116. - Oh, now you're on my blanket, bro. -Yeah, okay.

1117. Yeah, get on my blanket, bro.

1118. - Oh, now I'm on your blanket. - Oh, now you want

1119. - on my big blanket? - Yeah.

1120. Now you want to be on my big blanket?

1121. I can be aggressive. Oh, there you are.

1122. - There you— I can... - Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

1123. Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

1124. - I'm all over your blanket. -Yeah?

1125. - Boys?

1126. - Okay, man. - Oh, yeah. -My bad.

1127. - My place is near here. - Let's go the fuck home.

1128. Yeah.

1129. Ow! Ow. Oh, ow!

1130. - Ow, ow, ow.

1131. Oh. Whoa, whoa!

1132. Ow! Oh.

1133. - Yeah. - Yeah. I like that.

1134. - I like that. - You like that?

1135. - I like that. - You're gonna take that?

1136. - Yeah, that's what you like.

1137. Ooh, yeah.

1138. Oh, yeah. Dirty. Oh, yeah.

1139. - Oh, yeah.

1140. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah? Yeah?

1141. - Uh-huh.

1142. - Mm-hmm. You like that? - Yeah. Yes.

1143. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Yeah. Okay.

1144. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1145. - Yeah. Okay.

1146. - Good? Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

1147. - Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah?

1148. - You gonna tap out? - Yeah, yeah, I'll tap out.

1149. - Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah? - I'll tap out.

1150. - You gonna tap out? Tap out. - I'll tap out.

1151. - I tap out! - Are you good? Are you good?

1152. - I tapped out. I tapped out. - Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

1153. Oh.

1154. - Oh! Oh.

1155. - Great. Yeah, you like that? - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

1156. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, you like that?

1157. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. - You like that? You like that?

1158. - Oh, yeah. You like that? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1159. - Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah. Yeah.

1160. You like poppers?

1161. - Yeah. - Okay.

1162. That was crazy.

1163. Yeah.

1164. I like how your chest goes in like that.

1165. Oh, thank you.

1166. Mm, it's called a concave chest.

1167. Well, I like it.

1168. It's like a tiny birdbath.

1169. It's like a birdbath?

1170. - Mm. - Great.

1171. I always wanted my chest

1172. to look exactly like a tiny birdbath.

1173. - It's what every man wants.

1174. I like how hairy you are.

1175. You're like Austin Powers.

1176. Thank you.

1177. God, I never thought I would date someone who gets

1178. more excited about Austin Powers than Debra Messing.

1179. Where did I go wrong?

1180. Wait. Are-are we dating?

1181. No.

1182. We're not dating. Please.

1183. I was joking.

1184. You don't date people. I don't date people.

1185. We don't date people.

1186. - Remember? - I remember.

1187. - Ow. What are you doing?

1188. So annoying how good a warm body feels

1189. laying on another warm body.

1190. - Hmm? -I hate getting work emails on a Sunday.

1191. Your job is really intense.

1192. Yes, and I hate it.

1193. It's fucking stressful and depressing

1194. and so fucking boring. I-I...

1195. I fucking hate it.

1196. - I'm sorry.

1197. Was there something else you wanted to do?

1198. Bobby, I need to tell you something.

1199. When I was younger...

1200. - What happened? - I...

1201. You can tell me.

1202. When I was younger, I wanted to make little chocolates.

1203. You wanted to make...

1204. - little chocolates? - Yes.

1205. I used to tell my parents I was going to the arcade

1206. at the mall, but I would sneak off to Godiva.

1207. I just loved how all the chocolates were wrapped.

1208. And I thought about how I would design my own chocolates,

1209. how each little chocolate has

1210. its own specific, unique design on it,

1211. and that little design tells you

1212. what they're gonna taste like.

1213. So I would draw my own chocolates in-in a notepad.

1214. It's all I thought about.

1215. Tiny little pretty chocolates.

1216. That's good.

1217. What was I gonna do with that, though?

1218. What was I gonna be?

1219. A chocolatier?

1220. Bobby, I wasn't gonna be a fucking chocolatier.

1221. I don't know. Why not?

1222. It seemed kind of faggy.

1223. Oh, my God, Aaron.

1224. Faggy?

1225. It's not faggy to spend your life

1226. making pretty little chocolates.

1227. - Bobby. - Okay, fine.

1228. But so what? So you're a big fag.

1229. So am I. It's great.

1230. Did you not realize that a few minutes ago

1231. when you were sticking your enormous penis

1232. - into my tiny anus? - Okay, yeah.

1233. It-It's kind of cliché, don't you think?

1234. I'd rather be a cliché than be miserable.

1235. Well, my 15-year-old brain in 1995—

1236. that is all I thought about.

1237. That was right around the time

1238. that my brother caught me.

1239. - Hooking up with a guy? - No.

1240. No, I was making little chocolates.

1241. Oh.

1242. I lied, and I said that I was...

1243. making chocolates for this girl

1244. that I had a crush on at school.

1245. I'm sorry.

1246. This is the cutest thing I've ever heard.

1247. I guess you just have this big, exciting life.

1248. I just didn't want you to think that I was some boring schlub.

1249. I don't think you're boring.

1250. Your friend said I was boring.

1251. Oh, my God. You were mad about that?

1252. - I was joking. I'm sorry.

1253. But, like, I don't understand.

1254. You don't have to be stuck in that miserable office all day.

1255. You could be out in the world, I don't know,

1256. making fudge, you know?

1257. You're like a Keebler elf with internalized homophobia.

1258. You have to do this.

1259. You have to become a chocolatier.

1260. - Oh, Bobby. -You have to become a chocolatier.

1261. I'm telling you.

1262. You make that sound so easy.

1263. Well, no, it's not easy.

1264. Nothing's easy.

1265. My God. You know what I have to do this weekend?

1266. I have to drag my concave chest

1267. up to Provincetown and beg donors for money.

1268. I need $5 million or else the museum can't open.

1269. And it's Pride up there, so the museum has to have

1270. a float in the parade, and that's a whole thing.

1271. I'm telling you, it is not easy.

1272. It is never easy.

1273. But it's worth it.

1274. Hey, maybe I can come.

1275. To where?

1276. Provincetown?

1277. Oh.

1278. Yeah.

1279. Come, come, come. Welcome. I'm Louis.

1280. Let me show you your bedroom.

1281. Thank you. Oh, my God.

1282. - This house is so beautiful. - Oh.

1283. How long have you had this place?

1284. Oh, I've been coming up to P-town since, uh, 1976.

1285. - Wow. - Who are all these guys?

1286. Oh, well, um, actually, that's me.

1287. Oh, my God.

1288. Louis, you were so hot.

1289. - Yeah, I know. - Wow.

1290. Do any of these guys still come up here, too?

1291. Uh, no.

1292. By 1996, four of the seven of them were gone.

1293. I got this place in 1999 when I realized that somehow,

1294. miraculously, I was gonna survive.

1295. Oh, I'm so sorry.

1296. So, tell me. What are you boys up to today?

1297. Oh, well, I have a work thing this afternoon,

1298. so I don't really know.

1299. - Probably just lay low. - Lay low?

1300. You're in P-town.

1301. Go out. Have fun.

1302. You'll be dead soon enough. Come on.

1303. - Let me show you to your room. - All right.

1304. Here's your bedroom.

1305. Oh, my God!

1306. Oh, wow.

1307. And if you want to fuck, you let me know.

1308. - Oh. Mm. - Mm.

1309. Hey, I need to grab something. Oh, shit.

1310. - Bobby. - I'm sorry.

1311. Why are you just walking in here?

1312. I'm sorry. I thought you were in the shower.

1313. It's not steroids. It's just testosterone.

1314. Isn't that dangerous, like,

1315. for your liver and balls and stuff?

1316. No. Half the guys I know do this stuff.

1317. Yeah, but half the guys you know are roided-out morons.

1318. Yeah, well, that doesn't seem to bother you

1319. when you're obsessing over my body.

1320. Okay, that's fair.

1321. Um, I'm gonna shower.

1322. You have a really nice voice.

1323. What?

1324. I heard you singing in the shower.

1325. Well, that's mortifying.

1326. Wait, so you're asking this guy to donate

1327. the remaining five million?

1328. No. If I can get one million out of him, I'll take it.

1329. You can't scare these people off by seeming too needy.

1330. - Kind of like with you.

1331. - Who's Lawrence Grape? - Larry Grape.

1332. Biggest gay TV producer on the planet.

1333. He's made all this groundbreaking queer content.

1334. He's major.

1335. Mr. Grape, I'm thinking

1336. the final wing should be about Lincoln.

1337. Love that. Love Lincoln.

1338. Very few people know this,

1339. but our most popular president

1340. was also our first gay president.

1341. Sorry. This is a Lincoln museum?

1342. Is this a Lincoln museum, sir?

1343. This is actually an LGBTQ history museum.

1344. It's the first of its kind on a national level.

1345. We actually s...

1346. That fucking bush! Come on.

1347. My neighbors planted that bush, and it blocks my view.

1348. Can you believe that?

1349. Let's go take care of this.

1350. Oh, again with this? What are you doing?

1351. This is on my property, Maurice!

1352. This is a shared borderline!

1353. This is a fucking disaster. He won't even listen to me.

1354. He's too busy getting his rottweiler ready for Pride.

1355. Okay, from my experience at my job,

1356. weird rich people just want to be listened to.

1357. Ask him what he's interested in.

1358. But I don't care what he's interested in.

1359. I'm here to pitch him my idea.

1360. Well, then pretend like you're interested.

1361. Just do a listening face.

1362. - Do a listening face? - Yeah.

1363. Hmm. Yeah.

1364. - I can't. - Yes. Come on. Go.

1365. Okay.

1366. - Yes. Yeah, that's good. - Really?

1367. That looked like I'm listening?

1368. - Totally. Yeah. - Oh.

1369. plant this on my property!

1370. - It's an indigenous bush! - Are you going to Pride?

1371. - Of course. - I'll see you there.

1372. - Love you. - Oh, I love you, too.

1373. All right. Listening. I'll try it. I'll try it.

1374. Sorry. I have to get going, boys.

1375. Oh, Mr. Grape, let me ask you something.

1376. Um...

1377. what would you like to see in the museum?

1378. A haunted house

1379. of gay trauma.

1380. A haunted house of gay trauma?

1381. Yeah. It's a cart on a track, and there's...

1382. I'm sorry. This is a ride?

1383. Yeah, it's a fucking ride!

1384. So you think a ride is too much?

1385. Um, no. N-No.

1386. No, no, no, no. It's perfect. Please, keep going.

1387. Okay. We find ourselves in

1388. an intimate little bar with some young,

1389. hot, animatronic men.

1390. The men turn to dance with each other when suddenly— Boom!

1391. Oh, my...

1392. A cop car smashes through the wall.

1393. Police storm out of the cars.

1394. There's sirens and batons and voices screaming.

1395. And suddenly, the car takes off like a roller coaster,

1396. and there's blood everywhere.

1397. And a monster with Reagan's face on it is chasing you

1398. down the hallway saying, "Shining city on a hill.

1399. Shining city on a hill."

1400. And then... we shoot out into the light.

1401. And it ends on something happy

1402. like Lil Nas X working out with pink dumbbells.

1403. Wow.

1404. Um, a gay trauma coaster.

1405. I-I mean, it's-it's very provocative.

1406. I just don't think we can afford

1407. that sort of thing, unfortunately.

1408. Right. Well, okay, it was so lovely meeting you g...

1409. Mr. Grape, Mr. Grape.

1410. I'm not a creative guy. I'm a money guy.

1411. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - I— No, no.

1412. I can tell you, to accomplish what you want,

1413. we need more than just a little donation.

1414. - No, Aaron... - We need $5 million.

1415. And you won't just get the gay trauma coaster.

1416. You get the Lincoln exhibit. You get all of it.

1417. You rewrite history for an entire LGBTQ community.

1418. You're a storyteller, Lawrence, and this is the ultimate story.

1419. You already pushed the museum opening back twice.

1420. Is it really happening?

1421. Yes! It's definitely happening. I promise.

1422. My entire life has led up to this.

1423. Right, well, $5 million is nothing

1424. to rewrite history.

1425. I'm in.

1426. Wait, really?

1427. - Yes! Yes! -Oh, my God! Mr. Grape, thank you!

1428. Of course.

1429. Congratulations on my money. Happy Pride.

1430. - Happy Pride! - Now I have to go

1431. to a Pride party, and you're both too old to be in the pool.

1432. Please leave.

1433. Aaron! Oh, my God!

1434. You're a genius.

1435. "You're a storyteller"?

1436. - Where did that even come from? - I told you.

1437. I'm good at talking to weird rich folk.

1438. I could tell he had money to spend.

1439. I-I don't know what to say.

1440. Thank you.

1441. Sure.

1442. Oh, my God.

1443. Oh, shit! I got to go to the parade.

1444. I got to get on that stupid float.

1445. - I'll see you after. - Okay.

1446. Okay. Thank you.

1447. Okay.

1448. I kissed you!

1449. Are we kissing each other now? I don't know! Bye!

1450. Bobby!

1451. You're gorgeous.

1452. What? You are.

1453. I still can't believe what you did with Lawrence today.

1454. That was amazing!

1455. $5 million?

1456. It's not that big a deal.

1457. It is a huge deal. Are you kidding me?

1458. I always have to do everything for myself.

1459. No one ever does shit like that for me.

1460. You know, what you did for me you could do for yourself.

1461. Open a chocolate shop. I don't know.

1462. I'm not opening a chocolate shop.

1463. I'm not as confident as you.

1464. Oh, please. I'm not that confident.

1465. You are the most confident person I know,

1466. like, to a fault.

1467. - It's actually—

1468. It's kind of scary.

1469. Trust me, it's all an act.

1470. Confidence is just a choice you make.

1471. It's a decision like any other.

1472. Usually born out of necessity.

1473. You think I have a good singing voice now?

1474. You should have heard me when I was a kid.

1475. I was even better.

1476. Had American Idol existed then,

1477. I would've been the gay guy with an amazing voice

1478. who comes in second.

1479. - And then let's see.

1480. Then I went to college, and my musical theater teacher—

1481. he told me that I had a "gay walk"

1482. and a "flamboyant quality" which would "limit my options."

1483. And then for grad school, I went to

1484. one of the best journalism schools in the country,

1485. and my teacher there,

1486. this old, closeted queen who was married to a woman,

1487. pulled me aside and thought he was doing me a favor

1488. when he told me that I should stick to writing

1489. because my voice sounded too gay to do the news on TV.

1490. True story.

1491. And then I did stick to writing and my gay history books.

1492. Every single publisher, every single one,

1493. told me there wasn't enough of an audience for it.

1494. I was always too gay, or I was too niche,

1495. or, you know, I made people uncomfortable.

1496. Even my dad, who was so wonderful and supportive—

1497. I remember him saying, "You know, not everyone

1498. wants to hear this gay stuff all the time."

1499. But what was I supposed to do?

1500. I mean... I'm a writer.

1501. I wanted to write about my life, my friends, my world.

1502. And I'm telling you,

1503. enough people tell you things like that,

1504. no matter how confident you are,

1505. when you're alone at night,

1506. you start to think that maybe they're right.

1507. So... I just...

1508. I put my head down,

1509. and I just worked really hard,

1510. and I just hoped that somehow

1511. all these other people were wrong.

1512. And they were.

1513. And they were.

1514. I mean, I spent years

1515. watching a wave of mediocre straight men passing me by.

1516. Men with half the talent, who worked half as hard,

1517. who didn't care as much as I did,

1518. and they got twice as far, always.

1519. I mean, that's an old story, but...

1520. And, you know, the world caught up with us.

1521. Didn't catch up fast enough.

1522. Didn't catch up fast enough for my parents to see

1523. all these great things happen for me.

1524. Right?

1525. Didn't catch up fast enough for a lot of people.

1526. That's the truth.

1527. Let me tell you, confidence is just knowing

1528. you're the only person left you can count on.

1529. That's all that is.

1530. That's all.

1531. Want another beer?

1532. Sure.

1533. Sorry. That was a lot.

1534. Did that weird you out?

1535. I love this song.

1536. That is a weird dance.

1537. Excuse me.

1538. At least I dance.

1539. I can dance.

1540. I have never seen you dance. Literally, no one has.

1541. - Really? - No.

1542. - Want to see me dance? - Yes.

1543. Uh-oh.

1544. Oh. Very good.

1545. - There you go. - Come on.

1546. I want you to fuck me.

1547. Are you sure?

1548. When was the last time you did that?

1549. It's been a while.

1550. But I want you to.

1551. - Okay. - Good.

1552. Yeah. All right. Here you go.

1553. - Merry Christmas. - Thank you. Merry Christmas.

1554. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

1555. Okay.

1556. - Whoa. Okay. - Ready?

1557. Great. Fine.

1558. - It's gonna be good. - Whew.

1559. - It's all worth it! - Yeah.

1560. It's all worth it!

1561. What's up? Aaron!

1562. - Wh... - What's up, man?

1563. - Whoa. -I was wondering when I was gonna run into you.

1564. It's like seven of us.

1565. Hey, congratulations on everything.

1566. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's been crazy, man.

1567. Cool. So, um, yeah, what have you been doing?

1568. Louis was like, "No, I need to see options."

1569. And then he started sending me Airbnb options.

1570. - Am I boring you? - No, no, no.

1571. And I'm like, "No, we deserve this..."

1572. Bobby.

1573. - What do you want? - I want you.

1574. What's up?

1575. Um, where do we stand on this?

1576. Where do we stand on what?

1577. - "Momogany." - Oh.

1578. On "momogany"?

1579. Are we open? What are we into? What are we doing? Like...

1580. Oh, this is just like When Harry Met Sally.

1581. What do you mean?

1582. It's that classic scene where Billy Crystal

1583. runs to Meg Ryan on New Year's Eve and asks her

1584. if she wants to have an open relationship.

1585. - Well, but... - I mean,

1586. I'm not, like, into monogamy, you know.

1587. But I don't think we should be, like,

1588. constantly fucking other people.

1589. No.

1590. Why do you ask?

1591. Oh, you want to fuck your little hockey friend.

1592. No, I want to fuck you.

1593. - Oh, that's nice. - But maybe he's there, too.

1594. He's very hot.

1595. - Hi, Joshua. - Hey. -Hey.

1596. Hi.

1597. I'm Steve.

1598. - Hey, Steve. - Hey, Steve.

1599. Hi, Steve.

1600. Hi, Steve.

1601. Hey.

1602. - Mmm.

1603. - Oh, sorry.

1604. Hey.

1605. Pillow fight!

1606. Can I have a massage?

1607. - Me?

1608. Sure.

1609. I got really tight hamstrings.

1610. - Cool. - Oh, yeah.

1611. Right there.

1612. Ignore me. I think I left my scarf in here. I can...

1613. - Henry! Get out!

1614. Bobby Leiber!

1615. You made some friends.

1616. - Hi, Henry. - Hey, Steve.

1617. Oh, sure.

1618. I am so hungover.

1619. - Mm.

1620. - Thank you.

1621. So, I may have been wrong about

1622. the whole hooking up with other people thing.

1623. Okay.

1624. I don't know. I just...

1625. I want to be cool and free, and, you know,

1626. I don't want to be lame, but actually seeing you—

1627. I don't know. It just...

1628. It wasn't working for me.

1629. Yeah, no, totally. I-I get it.

1630. You sure?

1631. Yeah.

1632. Okay.

1633. Thank you.

1634. Oh. Sorry, my mom will not stop texting me.

1635. When do your folks get here again?

1636. The 21st.

1637. She wants to do the whole

1638. "magical Christmas in New York" thing.

1639. They love sightseeing.

1640. I have no idea what to do with them.

1641. Well, if you need me, I'll be home

1642. hate-watching Hallheart Christmas movies.

1643. Hey.

1644. Do you maybe want to spend Christmas with me and my folks?

1645. Really?

1646. Because, honestly, I am totally fine alone.

1647. That is very sweet of you, though.

1648. No, you shouldn't be alone. That's crazy.

1649. Okay.

1650. Yeah, that'll be fun.

1651. And, honestly, no one knows New York City better than me.

1652. I will plan the ultimate New York City Christmas,

1653. as only a New York City Jew could.

1654. Amazing.

1655. But just keep in mind, you know,

1656. they're, like, quiet folks from a small town.

1657. Aaron, I understand.

1658. You and I come from different worlds.

1659. I'm from New York City. You're from Upstate New York.

1660. I mean, they're sweet, but just...

1661. If you could just be, like, chill.

1662. I promise I won't embarrass you.

1663. And, Mrs. Shepard, these are the first holiday windows

1664. to ever feature a sex-positive Tiny Tim.

1665. And it's so important.

1666. We don't get queer characters

1667. in the stories that we read as kids.

1668. There's no gay Cinderella.

1669. There's no lesbian Rapunzel.

1670. There's no nonbinary Ebenezer Scrooge.

1671. Uh, Bobby, I think they get it.

1672. Guys, we've got to go.

1673. I told Josh Evans we would meet him

1674. at the Hallheart Christmas movie pop-up village.

1675. We're seeing Josh Evans?

1676. I didn't know.

1677. Let's do it.

1678. Are you a Hallheart fan?

1679. I dabble.

1680. This is so beautiful.

1681. I know. I love it.

1682. There's Josh.

1683. Wearing shorts in winter, like a total psychopath.

1684. Oh, my goodness.

1685. They have Rachael Ray edible tinsel!

1686. - Josh! Evans! - Hey, fellas.

1687. - How's Hallheart Village treating ya? -Hey.

1688. Did you see the gay movie that they did?

1689. It was kind of dope.

1690. Yeah, for years they ignored us,

1691. then their audience got 10% less homophobic,

1692. so they decided we're a new demographic

1693. they can sell shit to. I mean, look at these movies.

1694. Have Yourself A Heteronormative Little Christmas.

1695. Miracle on 34th Street but with One Gay Guy.

1696. Home Alone but with Sarah Paulson.

1697. - I mean, it's absurd. - Josh.

1698. - Hey. - Merry Christmas.

1699. Come get skates.

1700. I want to see you and Aaron

1701. - back out on the ice for old times' sake. -

1702. Yeah.

1703. Bobby, Josh and Aaron

1704. played hockey together in high school.

1705. - Oh, I know. - Yeah.

1706. - Come on. - Hey, man, what's going on?

1707. - Dude, what is your problem? - What?

1708. Could you just, like, maybe tone it down a notch?

1709. I'm sorry, I don't understand.

1710. We've been with my parents for two hours,

1711. and you've already talked about transgender mannequins,

1712. HIV prevention,

1713. and you pointed out the route to the 1976 Dyke March.

1714. They're having fun. They're totally fine.

1715. What is your problem?

1716. I'm nervous, okay?

1717. I've never introduced them to anybody.

1718. I just don't want them to get weirded out.

1719. I want them to have, like, a chill, normal time.

1720. So now I'm not normal?

1721. Bobby, you know what I mean.

1722. I'm just being myself.

1723. Okay, but maybe you could just be, like,

1724. a little less yourself for like three hours.

1725. I want them to like you.

1726. Oh. Yeah.

1727. No, sure. Of course.

1728. Yeah, I'll just...

1729. I'll just be quiet.

1730. Okay, thank you.

1731. Bobby! Oh, my God!

1732. Hi!

1733. - Hi! - Jesus Christ.

1734. We have to go anyway. We have a dinner reservation.

1735. Where's dinner again?

1736. Hey, Dad, how are the Polar Bears doing?

1737. That's the team Josh and I used to play on.

1738. They haven't won all year.

1739. I told Josh they need you boys to come back.

1740. Bobby, you seem quiet tonight.

1741. Is everything all right?

1742. Oh, yeah, I'm totally fine. Yeah.

1743. I'm actually— You know, I'm sorry

1744. if I spoke too much today.

1745. I just— I think I got nervous.

1746. This is actually more like how I usually am.

1747. I'm very quiet.

1748. Very quiet and just, like, weirdly normal.

1749. - Well, thanks again

1750. for planning such a lovely day.

1751. Oh, you're so welcome, Mrs. Shepard.

1752. Oh, you sound like one of my students.

1753. Call me Anne.

1754. Okay, I will.

1755. Uh, Mom's been a second grade teacher

1756. for almost 40 years now.

1757. Oh, my God, that's amazing.

1758. We need good teachers, now more than ever.

1759. Thank you. I agree.

1760. And Aaron says you're working at an American history museum.

1761. Yes. Yes, it is.

1762. It's an American history museum.

1763. Hmm.

1764. Mm-hmm.

1765. Well, it's actually an LGBTQ history museum.

1766. It's the first major queer history museum in America.

1767. Do you teach your students any gay history?

1768. 'Cause I know in a few states

1769. they're finally starting to do it.

1770. Well, I teach second grade, so no.

1771. Oh, right.

1772. No, I understand. Yeah.

1773. Out of curiosity, why not?

1774. Well, I just think

1775. they're a little young for that.

1776. Oh, of course. Yeah.

1777. No, I understand that.

1778. I don't think so, though.

1779. - Ah, Bobby. - No, no, no, I'm just saying.

1780. If I may disagree respectfully.

1781. That's actually the best time

1782. to teach them, when they're young.

1783. You know, that way they develop an appreciation

1784. for queer people before they all start bullying each other

1785. or hating themselves if they're gay.

1786. Maybe you're right.

1787. Oh.

1788. Feels a little young, though.

1789. Hmm. Right.

1790. Totally. I get it.

1791. - I will drop it. —Yeah.

1792. - Agree to disagree. - Yeah.

1793. - Cheers to that. - Yes.

1794. Hey, so, uh, when are you guys heading home...

1795. It's not really that young, though.

1796. It's not that young.

1797. Bobby, can you please drop it?

1798. No, I can't, because we're talking about gay kids here,

1799. and it's important.

1800. One of the things that saved me is that

1801. my parents exposed me to gay stories when I was a kid.

1802. When I was 12 years old— this is true—

1803. my parents took me to see a Broadway play

1804. called Love and Compassion.

1805. It was about a group of gay men

1806. spending the summer together in Provincetown.

1807. And all of a sudden, the curtain goes up,

1808. and there are seven completely naked gay men onstage.

1809. And there I am, sitting between my mom and dad

1810. at age 12, looking at seven soft penises.

1811. - Shit. - And all of a sudden,

1812. two of the guys start making out,

1813. and then one of them starts, like, talking dirty, you know?

1814. And I remember this so vividly.

1815. There was a sex scene, and one of the guys is like,

1816. "Pound my prostate. Pound my prostate."

1817. You know, "Milk me. Milk me."

1818. And I didn't even know what that was.

1819. I mean, now I do.

1820. But, you know, it was incredible.

1821. You know, to know that I could sit there,

1822. between my mom and dad, looking at seven penises.

1823. Seven penises, Anne.

1824. I was 12.

1825. And to know that they were okay with that, I mean,

1826. that had a profound effect on me.

1827. All I'm saying is, we need to remove the stigma

1828. from that type of thing so that gay kids

1829. can feel good about themselves. That's all I'm saying.

1830. I mean, look at Aaron and how much he hates his life.

1831. - Bobby. - No, all I'm saying is there's

1832. a direct correlation between how unhappy you are

1833. with your life and what you weren't taught

1834. about your potential as a child.

1835. Bobby, stop talking.

1836. - Wh... - Seriously, enough.

1837. I will kill you.

1838. Aaron, you hate your life?

1839. Your brother's a real chatterbox.

1840. Hey, are you mad?

1841. Me? No, I'm great.

1842. Josh just texted me.

1843. I'm gonna meet him at that bar.

1844. I think we should go home and talk about this.

1845. Oh, really? You want to talk more?

1846. Well, I think it's better than going to party with Josh,

1847. the self-loathing meathead who took 40 years to come out.

1848. Yeah, well, not everybody's you, Bobby.

1849. Okay, but 40 years?

1850. J.R.R. Tolkien took less time with his journey.

1851. God, you are fucking relentless.

1852. "Aaron hates his life"?

1853. God.

1854. Hey.

1855. Hey!

1856. Fuck!

1857. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1858. Good man.

1859. Ah, dude. No.

1860. Hey, just kiss me.

1861. Aaron.

1862. Oh, hey, Bob.

1863. Uh, shit, Bobby, we were just playing around.

1864. - It's-it's... - You were just playing around?

1865. What the fuck is wrong with you?

1866. - Bobby, Bobby. - Josh, leave. -I'm sorry.

1867. Get the fuck out of here!

1868. - Bobby, calm down. - Oh, my God, I knew it.

1869. I fucking knew it.

1870. Just say it.

1871. Can you please just say it?

1872. Finally, just fucking say it, because I already know.

1873. - You're not attracted to me. - What?

1874. I see the guys you look at, at the gym and the club.

1875. Everywhere! Everywhere we go!

1876. - Okay, Bobby... - Go be with him

1877. if that's what you want, but I will not let you

1878. - drag me into this any further. - It's not...

1879. And I will not let you break my heart.

1880. I am too smart for that!

1881. Bobby, why did you say that shit about me

1882. in front of my parents?

1883. I begged you not to embarrass me,

1884. but you couldn't help yourself.

1885. What is wrong with you?

1886. What is wrong with me?

1887. "Tone it down, Bobby."

1888. "Be quiet, Bobby."

1889. "Can't you be a little bit less of yourself,

1890. just for a few hours?"

1891. You don't think I know what that means?

1892. You don't think I know what that's code for?

1893. You don't think I've been hearing that

1894. my whole fucking life?

1895. That's what you think about me?

1896. I'm not apologizing for myself. I will leave that to you.

1897. Hey, question for you because you know everyone.

1898. I need a makeover.

1899. Ooh, yeah. Let's go to a spa weekend.

1900. No, I want steroids or, like,

1901. testosterone or HGH or something.

1902. I keep working out, but I don't get bigger.

1903. I want to look like a fucking action star.

1904. Forget Provincetown. I want people to think

1905. I have a summer share on Jumanji.

1906. I'm sick of being niche. I want to be Thor.

1907. Bobby, you know that steroids

1908. don't make you big on their own, right?

1909. Like, you still have to work out

1910. - and you can't miss the window. - I know!

1911. Let's fucking go.

1912. Ow.

1913. No.

1914. - Fuck!

1915. No! What are you doing?

1916. - Stop that! - Bobby! Bobby!

1917. - The Lincoln exhibit is canceled. -Why?

1918. People are threatening a boycott.

1919. They're pulling their donations.

1920. There's just not enough proof.

1921. Okay.

1922. You want to put Lincoln back in the closet? Fine!

1923. - I'll put him back in the closet! -Bobby.

1924. - I'll put him back in the fucking closet! -Bobby.

1925. Here!

1926. There you go!

1927. Lincoln is back in the closet where you all need him to be!

1928. I'm on steroids!

1929. Okay, Bobby, just calm down.

1930. So, Angela and I have proposed

1931. that the final exhibit be called "Post-Gay."

1932. Post-Gay?

1933. Yes, because just being gay is old news.

1934. Okay, so, now I'm too gay for Aaron,

1935. but I'm too straight for you?

1936. Will somebody please tell me

1937. exactly how gay I'm supposed to be?

1938. Poor Abraham Lincoln can't even be gay now?

1939. Because he wasn't gay, Bobby.

1940. - He was bi, and I have... - Okay, enough!

1941. You want to get rid of our stories? Fine!

1942. Let's get rid of them!

1943. I have roid rage!

1944. - Are you insane?

1945. - Bobby... - Yeah, bye-bye, Buttigieg!

1946. - Stop it, Bobby. - No!

1947. - Bobby! - Give— No!

1948. Give it to me!

1949. - Put the flag down! - No! Give it to me!

1950. - Give it to...

1951. Angela and the lesbians, hold him down.

1952. - No!

1953. - You're on steroids? - You can't tell.

1954. You know what? I don't need this shit.

1955. Me neither.

1956. Lesbians, disperse!

1957. I hate the museum,

1958. but most of all, I really fucking hate storytelling.

1959. She doesn't like telling stories.

1960. Maybe the final wing should be

1961. a big empty room where people can go

1962. to just shut the fuck up!

1963. Okay. Yeah.

1964. Leave! All of you!

1965. Oh, shit, my window.

1966. My workout window!

1967. Hey, bro.

1968. - Hey, bro. What's up? - What's up?

1969. I'm Joel.

1970. I'm... Rob.

1971. Hey, can you help me with this set, bro?

1972. Yeah, sure, bro. Yeah.

1973. Nice.

1974. - You doing chest? - Yep.

1975. - Leg day for me, bro. - Oh, nice.

1976. Got to work on those hammies.

1977. Yeah.

1978. Go put them all on.

1979. Doing a superset today.

1980. - Oh, superset? - Yeah.

1981. Yeah, superset.

1982. Pack it up, bro.

1983. - Lots of plates. - Yeah.

1984. I haven't seen this many plates

1985. since, uh, the Jewish holidays, bro.

1986. - Nice, nice. - Yeah.

1987. We should hang out again sometime.

1988. Maybe watch a game?

1989. Yeah, I'd love that.

1990. I'll give you my number.

1991. Holy shit, dude. What happened to your voice?

1992. Oh, fuck.

1993. Um, okay, I'm really sorry.

1994. But, um— I know this is very strange,

1995. but when I-I, when I walked up to you in the gym,

1996. I-I just did this voice, you know?

1997. Like, you know, like,

1998. "Hey, bro. What's up?"

1999. I-I don't know.

2000. I just was trying it.

2001. Holy shit, are you a serial killer?

2002. Are you gonna fucking kill a bro right now?

2003. No, no, no. I'm not killing a bro. I'm so sorry.

2004. No, this is weird. I'm sorry. I'll go.

2005. Yeah, you need to leave right now.

2006. But it kind of worked, right?

2007. Like, that's what's weird about it...

2008. Dude, hurry up, man.

2009. I know, but just the fact that I was like,

2010. "Hey, bro. What's up?"

2011. Okay, I'm leaving.

2012. I'm so sorry.

2013. I'm going through a very hard time right now.

2014. - I ain't ask for all that. - Okay.

2015. I'm sorry. I'm going. I'm going.

2016. Can I just ask you one thing, though?

2017. If I had come up to you and used my real voice,

2018. would you have been attracted to me?

2019. Wow.

2020. That is really sad, but...

2021. Yeah, I think so.

2022. Oh.

2023. But not now.

2024. Okay.

2025. I'm really sorry.

2026. - Streisand? - Of course.

2027. I love her.

2028. - She's the best. - Streisand fucking rules.

2029. This is actually kind of like Yentl, if you think about it.

2030. - Dude, get the fuck out! - I'm so sorry.

2031. Later.

2032. Sorry.

2033. And now, Hallheart proudly presents

2034. our first polyamorous holiday film,

2035. A Holly, Poly Christmas.

2036. Look, it's snowing.

2037. - It's snowing on all seven of us. -

2038. Oh, man.

2039. Hey.

2040. Hey.

2041. Can we talk?

2042. Okay.

2043. So, what's up?

2044. Bobby, I am so sorry I told you not to be yourself.

2045. I know I fucked up, but this is new for me, too.

2046. And when you blew up in front of my parents, honestly, it...

2047. it felt like you were doing it on purpose.

2048. I was.

2049. And I'm sorry.

2050. I shouldn't have handled it like that. You're right.

2051. I'm sorry.

2052. But, Aaron,

2053. that doesn't change the fact that

2054. you like a certain type of guy.

2055. And that isn't me, and that's okay.

2056. You're right.

2057. I always pictured myself with a guy...

2058. - Like Josh. - Yeah, a guy like Josh.

2059. Yeah, he's hot.

2060. Yes, he's simple, conventional, basic as hell

2061. and not somebody that actually makes me happy.

2062. Bobby, you are so different from me.

2063. You're not afraid to take up space in the world.

2064. You challenge me.

2065. Which at first, it freaked me out

2066. because who the fuck wants to be challenged all the time?

2067. But...

2068. But I love it.

2069. You're what's been missing.

2070. I know I fucked up, but please give me another chance.

2071. I miss you so much.

2072. I miss you, too.

2073. A lot.

2074. I didn't realize until after we broke up

2075. there were actually a couple of months there where I was...

2076. What do they call it?

2077. In a good mood.

2078. But I can't.

2079. My whole life, I have prided myself on being self-aware

2080. and self-reliant and self-possessed,

2081. and it didn't matter.

2082. It didn't matter because, at the end of the day,

2083. I just ended up in the street

2084. looking at you and looking at Josh

2085. and thinking, "I'm not enough for him."

2086. I know, and I feel awful,

2087. but do not throw this away because of one mistake!

2088. Wh-What do you want me to do?

2089. Say you'll give me another chance.

2090. I can't do that.

2091. Why not?

2092. 'Cause I don't trust you.

2093. I've been alone so long, who knows?

2094. Maybe that's the only way I know how to be.

2095. I don't know.

2096. I'm going.

2097. - It's good.

2098. Hey!

2099. If you don't trust me, that's fine.

2100. But if for some reason,

2101. underneath all that strength and confidence,

2102. you still don't trust that you are lovable enough,

2103. I'm living proof...

2104. that you're wrong.

2105. First of all, thank you all

2106. for letting me do this.

2107. I really appreciate it.

2108. Look, I know I've been

2109. a very angry, judgmental person, obviously.

2110. And sometimes anger can be good.

2111. I know you all know that because, for years,

2112. it was the fuel we all needed to keep going.

2113. It wasn't that long ago that the straight gatekeepers

2114. of the world didn't allow for all of us

2115. to really succeed in a big way.

2116. Oh, my God. Do you guys remember straight people?

2117. Yeah, they had a nice run.

2118. Look, Bobby, I'm a Black trans woman, and I don't need you

2119. to come here and lecture me about anger.

2120. But I get it.

2121. I am brimming

2122. with anger.

2123. And if I were to let just an ounce of it out,

2124. I would probably explode and kill every one of you.

2125. But, Bobby, I want you to know something.

2126. I hear you.

2127. And I forgive you.

2128. You do?

2129. Yes.

2130. Look, this is the only community

2131. I've ever loved being a part of.

2132. And we fight like crazy, and we always have, but...

2133. you're my people.

2134. And I am so sorry that I was so rude and spoke down to you.

2135. I should've shown you much more respect.

2136. There is truly no group of people on earth

2137. that I love and respect more.

2138. Well, I am not going to lie. I am still angry.

2139. But I insist on progress, not just for our LGBTQ heroes

2140. but for our LGBTQ assholes.

2141. Like you.

2142. Thank you, Robert.

2143. The live of this apology has like 40K viewers.

2144. You're posting this?

2145. Can you please—

2146. No, okay. Yeah.

2147. No, you should definitely post this.

2148. Everything should... everything should be posted,

2149. and thank you for teaching me that.

2150. Hey. I've decided to quit.

2151. - I just quit, too. - You did?

2152. I do this Kamala Harris impression online,

2153. and it's really taken off.

2154. - Oh. - Yeah, like—

2155. I'm Kamala Harris.

2156. Okay?

2157. Good luck with that.

2158. Yeah, good luck with whatever you're doing.

2159. - Thank you.

2160. Hey, Bobby, I wanted you to be the first person to see this.

2161. This is Aaron Shepard's Chocolate Factory.

2162. I made these little chocolates.

2163. I also made some special treats

2164. to celebrate the opening of the LGBTQ+ Museum.

2165. These are Harvey Milk Duds.

2166. And instead of a heart-shaped Valentine's Day box

2167. filled with chocolates, we have a pink

2168. "silence equals death" triangle filled with chocolates.

2169. And a tribute to my favorite gay television character,

2170. this is...

2171. a Tirami-Susan from Friends.

2172. Of course Aaron likes Friends.

2173. Of course, all the profits go to the museum.

2174. Okay.

2175. Bye.

2176. Dude, thanks for letting me crash here.

2177. I know Mom pressured you into inviting me, but...

2178. it's cool of you.

2179. Yeah, sure.

2180. - You okay, bro? - Yeah, I'm fine.

2181. I'm a very happy chocolatier.

2182. I mean, there was that guy.

2183. But it's over. Whatever. I'm fine.

2184. Yeah, totally.

2185. Jesus, how do you decapitate?

2186. Seriously, that's all you're gonna say?

2187. "How do you decapitate?"

2188. What do you want me to say? How do you remove their heads?

2189. What about, "Hey, bro, how are you doing?

2190. How are you holding up?"

2191. I'm sorry, bro. We don't talk about this shit.

2192. I'm-I'm crashing here because I'm in the middle of a divorce,

2193. and you haven't asked me about it once.

2194. I'm sorry.

2195. So, how's the divorce?

2196. - I don't want to talk about it. - Okay.

2197. So...

2198. what happened to you?

2199. Okay, you remember at Christmas when Mom and Dad came?

2200. I asked Bobby to...

2201. I asked him to tone it down.

2202. I know. I know. I fucked up. I panicked.

2203. Did you try

2204. - to get him back or... - Yes.

2205. I mean, Bobby is the best,

2206. but he is a stubborn son of a bitch.

2207. And do you love this stubborn little bitch?

2208. Whatever. It's over.

2209. Bobby's strong. He doesn't need me.

2210. He doesn't need anyone.

2211. Hey, guys. It's your girl Tamara.

2212. We're opening the LGBT Museum tonight.

2213. Tonight is our grand opening,

2214. and we're gonna have a wonderful time!

2215. Yeah!

2216. - What's up? - What's up?

2217. Hi. I'm Leonardo da Vinci.

2218. I changed the world with my work

2219. as an inventor, scientist and artist.

2220. But most importantly, I may have been bi.

2221. Arrivederci.

2222. Congrats. You've made it to the Obama administration.

2223. But what's that around the corner?

2224. Okay, seriously, this place is incredible.

2225. - Are you happy? - I don't know.

2226. It's weird, you know?

2227. Like, this place was my dream, then it happened.

2228. Why can't I answer your question?

2229. - Okay, can I just say one thing? -Yes.

2230. I know that what he did was wrong,

2231. but you didn't have to argue with his parents.

2232. I did, though. Plus, I apologized.

2233. And he apologized, too.

2234. I just don't know if I can trust him.

2235. He fucked up. People fuck up.

2236. Is there no part of you

2237. that wants to give him a second chance?

2238. You know what it is?

2239. I just don't want to want someone else this much.

2240. But you do.

2241. It doesn't make you look weak to love someone.

2242. Vulnerability is not a boner killer.

2243. - I know you.

2244. I know that you've had a million reasons

2245. to keep your guard up all these years.

2246. But there are people out there

2247. worth letting your guard down for.

2248. Were you happier with him or without him?

2249. That's all that really matters.

2250. Can I tell you something extremely embarrassing

2251. that I would only tell you?

2252. Yes.

2253. I wrote a song about him.

2254. - I know! That's the only time

2255. I'm ever gonna talk about it.

2256. We're not talking about it.

2257. I didn't send it, and I'm not sending it.

2258. Okay. Fine.

2259. I've just never seen you that happy is all.

2260. And I love seeing it.

2261. - Hi, guys.

2262. - Hi, sweetie. - Ready to go dance?

2263. - Yeah. - Let's go.

2264. Holy shit. He texted me.

2265. - Bobby texted me! - Well, what'd he say?

2266. He said, "Hey, what's up?"

2267. "Hey, what's up?"

2268. - Fuck yeah, bro! - Yeah?

2269. - That's what I'm talking about! - Yeah? That's good? Yeah!

2270. It's great! "Hey, what's up?"

2271. "Hey, what's up?" "Hey, what's up?"

2272. - No, wait. No, wait, wait. - What?

2273. Okay, yeah.

2274. I-I'm gonna wait to text him back, though, you know?

2275. Ah, shit. I got to get to the gym.

2276. Aaron, what the fuck is up with you and the CrossFit every day?

2277. Jesus! What are you people all training for?

2278. You going to war?

2279. Stop playing it so cool.

2280. Just go and tell him how you feel.

2281. Oh, what about you? What about divorce?

2282. What about keeping it young and fun?

2283. Oh, whatever.

2284. Straight people— we're so set in our ways.

2285. But gay people— you guys are all so—

2286. you're so smart.

2287. You're gonna figure it out.

2288. My story is not your story.

2289. Go write your own damn story.

2290. - Go! Now! - Okay. Yeah.

2291. Hey.

2292. "Hey, what's up?"

2293. - "Hey, what's up?" Yeah! - "Hey, what's up?"

2294. - Bobby? - Yeah?

2295. - It's time for the toast. - Okay, great.

2296. Okay.

2297. One of the hardest parts of putting the museum together

2298. was figuring out what the final exhibit would be.

2299. The message we'd leave people with about who we are.

2300. But the truth is we are not one thing.

2301. We are not a monolithic group.

2302. We are some of the smartest and most self-reliant people

2303. you will ever meet.

2304. And we are so stupid.

2305. And we are a total mess.

2306. And we are great.

2307. We've been around since the beginning of time, of course,

2308. and yet it still feels like we're at the very beginning

2309. of being able to tell our own stories.

2310. In many ways, I think we're still

2311. getting to know each other, really.

2312. Now, I'm just a boring old cis white gay,

2313. - but...

2314. one thing I have learned from

2315. my trans and bi and nonbinary family is that

2316. happiness for all of us comes from staying fluid,

2317. staying open to change.

2318. Open to being more than just who you thought you were

2319. or more than what other people assume you are.

2320. So this is a toast to all of us.

2321. We've come a long way.

2322. And there are a lot of people

2323. who deserved to live long enough to be here tonight.

2324. And we are here, and they are not.

2325. And we are very lucky.

2326. We are very lucky.

2327. I have no complaints.

2328. Hey.

2329. Hey.

2330. Um...

2331. Sorry, um— Just, um—

2332. One more thing. Sorry, hold on.

2333. I'm gonna do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.

2334. Hi.

2335. So, um,

2336. this is a little special something I wrote for tonight,

2337. and I didn't think I would actually have

2338. a reason to sing it.

2339. And I haven't sung in front of people in a very long time,

2340. so forgive me.

2341. But, um, tonight is about love,

2342. and we've seen a lot of tortured gay cowboys

2343. played by a lot of straight actors over the years.

2344. So, this is a love song from one gay cowboy to another,

2345. inspired by everyone's favorite LGBTQ+ icon,

2346. Garth Brooks.

2347. - Bobby, I just have to tell you... -In all my years,

2348. I never thought I'd say this,

2349. but, Debra Messing, it'll have to wait.

2350. What's wrong?

2351. I just really love you.

2352. I love you, too.

2353. You like love, bro?

2354. Oh, yeah.

2355. - Wait. - Wha...

2356. - Oh.

2357. - Oh, what are you... - Just let me do this.

2358. - Uh... - Um...

2359. Oh, shit. I need a ring.

2360. - Uh, Bob-Bobby... - Tamara, can I borrow your ring?

2361. - Oh, yeah. - Thank you.

2362. - Bobby, I... - Aaron Shepard,

2363. I know we're not relationship people...

2364. but will you date me for three months,

2365. and then we'll reassess?

2366. Yes, Bobby Leiber, I will date you for three months,

2367. and then we can reassess.

2368. Mommy, what's happening?

2369. It's a miracle.

2370. Uncle Bobby's gonna date someone for three months.

2371. Hey, queers!

2372. I'm the museum guard here.

2373. Just gonna do some dusting.

2374. Hello. What are you doing dusting me?

2375. I'm lesbian first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

2376. Hi. I'm Seth Meyers as Harvey Milk.

2377. - Hello.

2378. I'm Kenan Thompson as James Baldwin.

2379. It's a Night at the Gay Museum.

2380. Come here.

2381. - Aaron? - Mom.

2382. Mm.

2383. - Bobby. - Hi.

2384. Ah, Bobby, this is spectacular.

2385. - Thank you. - And the kids are loving it.

2386. I'm so glad you're here. It means so much to me

2387. that you would make it part of your trip.

2388. - It really does. - You were right.

2389. Of course they should see this.

2390. It's their history, too.

2391. Congrats.

2392. You're a four on the Kinsey Scale.

2393. You're a bisexual.

2394. Well.

2395. - Bye! - Bye!

2396. Thanks for teaching me about Liberace!

2397. - Anytime!

2398. You know, we just hit three months.

2399. How do you think it's going?

2400. I think it's going pretty well.

2401. How do you think it's going?

2402. I think it's going pretty well, too.

2403. Oh, good.

2404. - Good job. - Yeah.

2405. - Bye, boys! - Bye, Mom!

2406. You want kids someday, right?

2407. - No. - Bobby.

2408. - Absolutely not. - Oh, Bobby.

2409. No!

2410. - Come on. Bobby. - No! No!

2411. - Where are you going? - I'm not having children

2412. - wherever I'm going! - Oh, come on! I want kids!