1. Hey, everyone,
it's Bobby Leiber,
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2. and welcome to
your favorite podcast,
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3. The 11th Brick at Stonewall.
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4. Because we all know
a butch lesbian
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5. or a trans woman of color
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6. probably threw the first brick
at Stonewall,
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7. but it was a cis, white, gay
man who threw the 11th brick.
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8. And today, as always,
I will take you on a journey
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9. throughout LGBTQ+ history
and, much more importantly,
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10. my own problems and whatever
I feel like talking about.
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11. And this is a big day,
because, as of today,
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12. The 11th Brick is celebrating
one million subscribers.
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13. And in honor of
all this exciting news,
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14. I am taking your questions live.
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15. - First question.
- Hi, Bobby.
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16. Any chance for
more children's books?
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17. Oh, not at the moment,
but thank you.
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18. As some of you know, I wrote
a series of children's books
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19. to help parents teach kids
about gay history,
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20. which no one bought.
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21. Turns out a four-year-old
didn't want to hear
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22. a bedtime story about
Martina Navratilova.
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23. Hey, parents, thanks for
teaching your kids about
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24. Santa Claus, a straight man
that doesn't exist,
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25. and not Martina Navratilova,
a lesbian who does.
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26. In other news, I finally got
the footage from my audition
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27. to be part of the next cast
of Queer Eye,
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28. and you can watch that
on the app right now.
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29. - Oh, no.
- Oh, my...
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30. I'm sorry. This is not sad.
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31. It's just not sad.
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32. You gave him a haircut
and a pair of pants.
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33. I mean, he looks fine.
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34. - Not great.
- Next caller.
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35. What ever happened
to that movie you wrote?
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36. Oh, yeah. The movie.
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37. These big movie producers
came to me and said,
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38. "We want you to write a rom-com
about a gay couple.
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39. "Something the whole world
would enjoy.
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40. "Something that a straight guy
might even like
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41. and watch with his girlfriend."
I said,
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42. "Something a straight guy
might like? Like what exactly?
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43. "Am I gonna be in the middle
of some high-speed chase,
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44. "and then all of a sudden
fall in love with Ice Cube?
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45. "Am I gonna get butt-fucked
by Jason Momoa
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46. while we're both, I don't know,
worrying about a volcano?"
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47. And he said, "Bobby,
we just want to make a movie
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48. "that shows the world
gay and straight relationships
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49. "are the same.
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50. Love is love is love."
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51. I said, "Love is love is love?
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52. "No, it's not. That's bullshit.
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53. "That is a lie we had to
make up to convince you idiots
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54. "to finally treat us fairly.
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55. "Love is not love.
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56. "Our relationships
are different.
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57. Our sex lives are different."
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58. And he said, "Bobby,
we were just trying to make
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59. a nice movie
about nice gay people."
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60. And I said, "Well,
there's your first mistake,
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61. because not all gay people
are nice."
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62. And I got up and left.
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63. Anyway, it's totally fine.
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64. I'm not the right person
to write a rom-com anyway.
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65. Why not?
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66. Um, I don't know.
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67. I mean, I'm 40 years old.
I've never been in love.
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68. I've never even had a serious
relationship, which is fine.
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69. You know, I love my life.
I love my freedom.
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70. I love my independence,
but, you know,
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71. probably means
I'm not the right person
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72. to write a love story.
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73. In exciting news,
I remain very horny,
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74. and tonight I am being honored
at the LGBTQ+ Pride Awards.
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75. Being in the NFL, I never
thought I could come out.
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76. For years, I had to suffer
as a hot, ripped, gay person,
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77. living my life in private.
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78. But this last year
has really shown me
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79. how amazing life can be when
you are finally publicly hot.
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80. Thank you.
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81. And now, please welcome
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82. Emmy and Tony Award winner
Kristin Chenoweth.
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83. Good evening.
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84. What an honor for me
to be here tonight.
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85. On my head is a hat
depicting the Stonewall riots,
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86. where the queer liberation
movement began.
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87. And now, the award for cis,
white, gay man of the year.
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88. Please welcome Bobby Leiber.
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89. - Thank you.
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90. Oh, my goodness.
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91. Thank you, New York! Thank you!
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92. Thank you.
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93. Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum,
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94. the Bert and Ernie
of Ancient Egypt.
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95. Many scholars believe
that they are
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96. the first recorded
same-sex couple in history.
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97. Yet to this day,
there are historians
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98. who refuse to believe
that these men were lovers
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99. and insist that
they were brothers instead.
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100. Thus began 5,000 years
of queer love stories
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101. erased from the history books.
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102. No gay love stories
to teach us about love
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103. and how to love each other.
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104. Well, I'm happy to say
this erasure ends today.
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105. And I am thrilled to announce
I have accepted a position
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106. as the executive director
of the first
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107. national LGBTQ+ history museum,
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108. - right here in New York City!
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109. Thank you, New York!
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110. Thank you.
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111. Thank you so much.
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112. Hey, what's up?
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113. Hey, what's up?
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114. Looking? Into?
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115. Bottom here.
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116. Versatile.
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117. Sure you are.
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118. - Hey, what's up?
- Hey, what's up?
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119. Thank you.
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120. You want to finish?
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121. Uh, I think I'm good, actually.
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122. - Okay, I'll get you
something for that. -Yeah.
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123. Thanks.
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124. For me, the cold and awkward
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125. Grindr hookup
is often followed by
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126. a walk around the city
by myself.
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127. Anyone else do that?
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128. It's weird,
because you still had,
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129. like, this romantic encounter.
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130. Even though it was odd
or unsatisfying
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131. and you don't even know
the person,
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132. you're still feeling
this kind of
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133. post-sex warmth and wistfulness.
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134. So I usually
walk around for a bit
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135. and I kind of coast
on that warm feeling
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136. as long as it lasts.
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137. And between the weird sex with
strangers that you don't like
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138. and conversations
with friends you love
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139. that you would never
have sex with, you know,
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140. you cobble together a version
of a romantic single life.
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141. And it's good, you know?
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142. It works.
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143. It's a lot more than
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144. what a lot of other people
have in this world.
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145. And you try to remember that.
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146. As always, this podcast is
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147. brought to you by Career Donkey.
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148. Hi, hi. I'm sorry.
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149. - I-I know. I'm sorry.
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150. All right, what's going on?
What did I miss?
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151. How are you guys, Lucas?
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152. Uh, well, our surrogate
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153. just hit three months, and,
not only that, but we are...
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154. - Having triplets! -Trip...
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155. - Oh, my God, congratulations!
- That's amazing. Yeah!
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156. I'm sorry, you guys.
I have to go.
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157. A late shift at the bar.
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158. But it was great
meeting you guys.
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159. - Nice to meet you.
- And congratulations, boys.
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160. - Thank you.
- Bye, Marty.
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161. - See you later. Text us.
- Bye, y'all.
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162. Wait, so what's happening?
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163. Didn't you guys have
an announcement?
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164. Okay, uh, so, I totally know
this is a little weird
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165. and unexpected,
but the reason we've been
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166. hanging around with Marty
so much is that
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167. we are kind of dating him.
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168. - Oh.
- Okay.
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169. Wait a second.
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170. - Wait, wait, wait.
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171. What do you mean
you're dating him?
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172. I mean, together,
like, as a couple.
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173. We're seeing him.
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174. I guess it's kind of like
a throuple situation.
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175. - Hold on.
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176. So, wait, what does
that mean exactly?
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177. Like, are you guys just having
threesomes or something?
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178. Well, we hooked up,
but then we started spending
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179. a bunch of time together after.
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180. It turns out
we have a lot in common.
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181. It's more than just sex.
We genuinely like each other.
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182. —Wait, wait. So, how
long has this been going on?
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183. - Six months?
- Oh.
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184. Six mon— You're in a throuple
for six months
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185. and you didn't tell me?
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186. We didn't know
it'd get that serious.
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187. How serious is it gonna get?
You're in a throuple.
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188. What are you gonna do next,
tell your grandparents?
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189. Hi, Grandma.
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190. Oh, hi, honey.
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191. - I have some news.
- Yes?
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192. Peter and I are jointly fucking
a third person!
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193. Oh, my goodness!
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194. It's Paul.
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195. He and Peter are
jointly fucking someone else!
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196. Oh, how wonderful.
It's a throuple.
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197. - Oh.
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198. - We'll be fine.
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199. We really trust each other
enough to do this.
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200. Just be careful.
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201. I know a lot of guys
who've done this,
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202. and it's a slippery slope.
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203. These things are fragile,
and, you know, we're men.
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204. Okay? Men dating men.
Love is not love.
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205. We are horny and selfish
and stupid. I am, too.
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206. Yeah, someone called into my
show the other day and asked me
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207. why I'm still single.
I said, "You want to know why?
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208. "Because I've been gay
my whole life,
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209. and I don't trust
these gay motherfuckers."
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210. I support them,
but I don't trust them.
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211. - And are you happy?
- Who's so happy all the time?
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212. Uh, a lot of people.
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213. Well, I really don't trust
those people.
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214. - Mr. Leiber?
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215. Sorry. I love your podcast.
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216. - Can I, can I get a selfie?
- Oh, sure.
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217. Thank you.
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218. - Shit.
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219. I told Henry I'd meet him
at this launch party.
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220. Ugh, I wanted to go home
and change first.
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221. Aren't you guys just gonna take
your shirts off anyway?
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222. No, we're not just gonna
take our shirts off.
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223. It's not 2003.
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224. You have a very clichéd view
of what gay men do at a party.
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225. What app is this for again?
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226. It's this new hookup app
my company is launching.
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227. We've got Grindr.
We've got Tinder.
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228. This is Zellweger.
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229. It's for gay guys who just want
to talk about actresses
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230. - then go to bed.
- Oh, I'd use that.
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231. Bobby, I had sex
with a 65-year-old.
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232. Sixty-five?
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233. He didn't have an age
on his profile.
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234. He was really nice,
he had an amazing body,
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235. but he had this, like,
big, white beard.
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236. I felt like Mrs. Claus.
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237. I kind of love that.
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238. There's that guy Aaron.
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239. Oh, yeah, I don't know
who that is.
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240. He's at the gym sometimes.
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241. Very hot. Very boring.
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242. - Oh, what else is new?
- Oh.
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243. Also, today I had sex
with a guy who peed on me.
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244. Oh, are you into that?
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245. Not really,
but what else was I doing?
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246. Fair enough.
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247. It was honestly kind of boring.
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248. Hey, what's up?
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249. Hey.
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250. - Well, hello, Aaron.
- Hey.
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251. This is Bobby.
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252. Do you boys need another drink?
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253. - I'm getting a shitrocket.
- What the hell's a shitrocket?
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254. It's like a Red Bull
but with protein.
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255. Oh.
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256. Shitrocket and vodka, I guess.
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257. Move, boys. Daddy needs a drink.
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258. Thank you.
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259. You look angry.
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260. Me?
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261. Well, I'm not.
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262. That's just the way I look.
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263. I know. People always come up
to me and tell me that,
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264. but I'm not.
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265. I'm not angry.
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266. I listen to your podcast.
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267. Oh, really?
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268. Oh, that's cool.
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269. I hear you're boring.
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270. Who said that? I'm not boring.
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271. I don't know.
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272. A lot of people.
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273. Cool.
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274. I'm sorry. That was mean.
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275. I'm very bad at flirting.
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276. And I'm also the type of person
who tells you I'm flirting,
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277. which is so sexy.
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278. It's okay.
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279. What do you do?
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280. Uh, for work?
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281. I do probate law.
I'm an estate planner.
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282. Basically, I write
people's wills.
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283. - Do you like it?
- Oh, sure.
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284. When I was a kid,
first thing I would think
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285. when I would meet someone is,
"Who's that person
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286. gonna leave their shit to
when they die?"
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287. I really wanted to be part of
the legal logistics of that.
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288. That's funny.
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289. That guy's hot, right?
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290. Oh, yeah. He is.
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291. I'm supposed to fuck him
and his husband later.
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292. Cool.
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293. Very good.
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294. - Oh, I love this song.
- What is this?
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295. Old-school Mariah.
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296. How do you not know this?
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297. I'm more of a country guy.
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298. You know, like Garth Brooks.
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299. Garth Brooks?
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300. Who are you?
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301. Actually, Carrie Underwood
blocked me on Twitter...
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302. What the fuck?
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303. - Where the fuck did he go?
- I don't know.
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304. This is why I hate these people.
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305. Oh, my God.
That's the 65-year-old.
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306. Jesus, he's ripped.
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307. I know. It's like they injected
steroids into Dumbledore.
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308. Hey, what's up?
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309. - Thanks.
- Hey.
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310. Where'd you go?
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311. I don't know. Nowhere.
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312. Yas, live your lives, queens!
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313. Okurrr.
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314. Gay guys are so stupid.
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315. Oh, my God, I know.
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316. Gay guys are usually, like,
the absolute smartest
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317. or, like, the dumbest people
I've ever met.
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318. We've been smart enough
to brand ourselves
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319. as being smart and clever.
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320. I've hooked up with guys,
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321. and afterwards I'll make a joke
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322. or I'll say something sarcastic.
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323. And the guy does not understand
that I'm making a joke.
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324. Literally does not
understand satire.
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325. I know.
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326. And straight people think
we're all smart,
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327. - but a lot of these guys
are dumb as shit. -Yes.
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328. It's our little secret.
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329. Actually...
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330. Are you fucking kidding me?
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331. - Hey.
- Hey, what were you talking
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332. to Aaron about for so long?
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333. Just about how a lot of gay guys
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334. are secretly incredibly stupid.
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335. - Oh, how fabulous.
- I don't understand.
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336. We're having a good time,
and then he ghosts me.
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337. He just fucking disappears.
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338. Bobby, don't. Let it go.
He's a dick.
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339. No, I am not letting it go.
I do not let things go.
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340. - Why aren't you dancing?
- I am dancing, okay?
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341. What do you want me to do,
the fucking Nutcracker Suite?
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342. Hey.
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343. Hey, what's up?
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344. I tried to kiss you
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345. and you didn't kiss me back
is what's up.
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346. I'm sorry. I'm shy.
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347. Please. What are you into?
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348. One of these boring,
ripped idiots with no opinions?
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349. No, I'd like someone
who's physically very frail
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350. and won't stop talking.
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351. Come home with me.
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352. I can't.
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353. Why?
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354. 'Cause you have to fuck
the fake baseball player
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355. and his husband?
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356. - I don't know what to tell you.
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357. - Goodbye.
- Hey, wait, wait.
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358. - Take my number.
- Absolutely not.
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359. Why?
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360. 'Cause I'm one of
the smart ones, asshole.
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361. Oh, are you
emotionally unavailable?
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362. No one's more emotionally
unavailable than me.
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363. No one. I pride myself on that.
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364. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
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365. Henry has my number.
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366. See you on Grindr or Zellweger
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367. or whatever the fuck
the next one is.
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368. I'm not on any of those.
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369. Then how do you meet people?
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370. I'm not really looking.
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371. Yeah.
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372. Me neither.
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373. Excuse me. Excuse me.
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374. - Excuse me.
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375. Oh, my God,
they cannot stop voguing.
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376. - They cannot stop voguing!
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377. Excuse me.
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378. I know you're voguing, but
can I please go home? Please?
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379. - I had a gut feeling
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380. you would be online now.
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381. Hi.
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382. Hey, what's up?
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383. Not much. You?
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384. No.
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385. But us texting
each other anonymously.
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386. I never realized
how much Grindr was
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387. just like You've Got Mail.
Smiley face.
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388. Ha ha. LOL. Dick pic?
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389. No dick pic. Sorry.
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390. Think about You've Got Mail.
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391. Meg Ryan would never send you
a picture of her genitalia.
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392. Ha ha.
LOLOL. Can I see your ass?
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393. Don't have ass pic. Sorry.
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394. Need to see ass pic, though.
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395. Don't have ass pic!
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396. Not gonna meet up
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397. unless you send ass pic.
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398. Must see pic of ass!
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399. Ow!
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400. Fuck!
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401. I'm bleeding!
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402. How am I gonna shit now?
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403. I can't fuck. I can't shit.
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404. I'm not a person, goddamn it!
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405. It's too fucking flat.
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406. Took this just for you, bro.
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407. Did he block me?
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408. Motherfucker!
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409. Hallheart proudly presents
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410. our first bisexual holiday film,
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411. the award-winning
Christmas with Either.
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412. Hallheart.
Always on the cutting edge...
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413. of Christmas.
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414. People. Okay.
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415. - Okay, people!
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416. People, please!
It's getting late.
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417. We still need to find
a donor to fund
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418. the exhibit in the final wing.
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419. As you know, Pier 1 Imports
was supposed to make
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420. a big donation,
but they went bankrupt
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421. and have been
bought by the Taliban.
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422. Taliban.
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423. So, we are short $5 million.
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424. We cannot afford
to push our opening again.
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425. People will think
we're in trouble.
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426. Maybe this whole place
could fall apart.
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427. We need new ideas for
what goes in the final wing,
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428. and we need them now.
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429. - Cherry, go.
- You know the blue whale
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430. hanging in
the Museum of Natural History?
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431. - Yes.
- What about that,
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432. but instead of the blue whale,
it's a lesbian?
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433. - Oh, no. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, okay.
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434. - Well, yeah, we can't do that.
- No.
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435. What about a transgender woman
from an Indigenous nation?
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436. Goddamn it, Wanda!
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437. What about the 400 lesbians
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438. who fought in the Civil War?
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439. Shut up, Cherry.
They were not all lesbians.
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440. Some of them were trans men.
Copy !req
441. Okay, stop.
This building is a rare chance
Copy !req
442. to legitimize
the history of bisexuals.
Copy !req
443. Oh, God. Here we go.
Copy !req
444. Yes! We say "LGBTQ,"
Copy !req
445. but we always skip over the "B."
Copy !req
446. I want a hall of bisexuals,
Copy !req
447. like Disney's
Hall of Presidents.
Copy !req
448. I want a stage full of
animatronic, talking bisexuals.
Copy !req
449. Talking and moving
and gesturing bisexuals.
Copy !req
450. You know what?
Copy !req
451. This happens to be
Bisexual Awareness Week,
Copy !req
452. and no one has acknowledged it!
Copy !req
453. - I acknowledged.
- That is true. My bad.
Copy !req
454. Lesbian History Month
was in March.
Copy !req
455. Nobody said a goddamn thing!
Copy !req
456. It's June!
Copy !req
457. It was in March!
Copy !req
458. Of course lesbians get a month
and we get a week.
Copy !req
459. - Robert.
- What?
Copy !req
460. I want you to know
that I hear you.
Copy !req
461. I see you,
and I'm holding space for you.
Copy !req
462. There she go. There she go.
Copy !req
463. She never has
any ideas of her own,
Copy !req
464. but she's always
"holding space."
Copy !req
465. A lesbian wrote
"America the Beautiful."
Copy !req
466. - God, no. I can't.
- Katharine Lee Bates
Copy !req
467. wrote the lyrics on a napkin.
Copy !req
468. If you go to her house in
Virginia, they have the napkin!
Copy !req
469. What if the final exhibit was
Copy !req
470. a recreation of a queer wedding?
Copy !req
471. - I like that.
- Okay, that I don't hate.
Copy !req
472. Tamara, that is so sweet.
Copy !req
473. I love that. And people can
Copy !req
474. come and register
for wedding gifts here.
Copy !req
475. I'm gonna write that down.
Copy !req
476. Oh, my God, and— No!
Copy !req
477. That is old-fashioned,
Copy !req
478. heteronormative nonsense.
Copy !req
479. We need to get people
to rethink history
Copy !req
480. through a queer prism,
not comfort them
Copy !req
481. with another
fucking gay wedding, all right?
Copy !req
482. It's a museum.
It's not Schitt's Creek.
Copy !req
483. - Ooh, I like Schitt's Creek.
- But I—
Copy !req
484. Oh, I love Schitt's Creek.
Copy !req
485. - That show has layers.
- All right.
Copy !req
486. Everyone loves Schitt's Creek.
Great. Okay.
Copy !req
487. That's who you remind me of.
Eugene Levy.
Copy !req
488. Yes.
Copy !req
489. Okay, Mr. Funk.
Copy !req
490. How can I help you today?
Copy !req
491. I need to adjust my will.
Copy !req
492. Okay. Can I ask you why?
Copy !req
493. Because I'm dying.
Copy !req
494. I have cancer.
Copy !req
495. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
496. I just need to figure out
where my money's going.
Copy !req
497. Okay, uh, do you have
a partner or spouse?
Copy !req
498. No and no.
Copy !req
499. - Children?
- No.
Copy !req
500. - Family member?
- No.
Copy !req
501. - Close friend?
- Not anymore.
Copy !req
502. Okay, um...
Copy !req
503. well, uh, sometimes it helps
to close your eyes
Copy !req
504. and think about who means
the most to you in the world.
Copy !req
505. Uh, who is it?
Copy !req
506. Cher.
Copy !req
507. Okay, so you want
to leave $100,000...
Copy !req
508. to Cher?
Copy !req
509. Do you really think
that she needs that?
Copy !req
510. She has a huge staff.
Copy !req
511. - Uh, okay.
Copy !req
512. Mr. Shepard, uh—
Sorry to interrupt.
Copy !req
513. Mrs. Bailey passed away.
Copy !req
514. Oh, God, this is so depressing.
Copy !req
515. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
516. I can only imagine
what you're going through.
Copy !req
517. No, I mean your job.
Copy !req
518. What a downer.
Copy !req
519. It's Aaron. How's Grindr?
Copy !req
520. A dream. I spent 45 minutes
Copy !req
521. taking a picture of my own ass.
Copy !req
522. How are you?
Copy !req
523. How was group sex
with that faux Chicago Cub?
Copy !req
524. It was fun.
They invited me back tomorrow.
Copy !req
525. Their surrogate is pregnant,
Copy !req
526. and they're having
a gender reveal orgy.
Copy !req
527. A gender reveal orgy?
Copy !req
528. James Baldwin would be so proud.
Copy !req
529. LOL. I woke up laughing about
Copy !req
530. you so rudely calling me out
on my shit.
Copy !req
531. Well, you deserved it, bitch.
Copy !req
532. Honestly, I was impressed.
Copy !req
533. You may be more emotionally
unavailable than I am.
Copy !req
534. Well, maybe we can be
Copy !req
535. emotionally unavailable
together.
Copy !req
536. "Maybe we can be
Copy !req
537. emotionally unavailable
together"?
Copy !req
538. Who's writing your texts?
Maroon 5?
Copy !req
539. - Fuck off.
- Kidding!
Copy !req
540. We can go out.
Are you asking me out?
Copy !req
541. - I'm down for whatever.
- Yeah, same.
Copy !req
542. - Cool.
- Sounds good.
Copy !req
543. So, tomorrow?
Or we can do whatever.
Copy !req
544. Yeah, I can do
whenever, and I can do whatever.
Copy !req
545. - I don't care
what we do. -Yeah, me neither.
Copy !req
546. We can do whatever,
and we can do it whenever.
Copy !req
547. - Does that work for you?
- Yeah, that definitely works.
Copy !req
548. Great. Whatever, whenever.
Copy !req
549. Cool. Whatever, whenever.
Copy !req
550. GIF of Michael Scott dancing.
Copy !req
551. He's good.
Copy !req
552. Office GIF?
Copy !req
553. This person isn't gay.
Copy !req
554. Heart. Ugh, no.
Copy !req
555. Un-heart. Thumbs up.
Copy !req
556. - Peace.
- Peace?
Copy !req
557. Later.
Copy !req
558. Can you heart my "later," bitch?
Copy !req
559. Bye.
Copy !req
560. You're from here, right?
Copy !req
561. Your parents still live
in the city?
Copy !req
562. No. My parents
both passed away actually.
Copy !req
563. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Copy !req
564. It wasn't recent.
Copy !req
565. My mom died
when I was in college,
Copy !req
566. and my dad died
like ten years ago.
Copy !req
567. A bee! A bee! A bee!
Copy !req
568. - A bee! A bee! A bee!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
569. Stop swatting.
You're gonna kill it.
Copy !req
570. Well, that's what
I'm trying to do.
Copy !req
571. It's on my neck.
Copy !req
572. The bees are dying.
Don't you read?
Copy !req
573. Yes, about gay stuff and movies.
Copy !req
574. - Can you, like, do something?
- Yes.
Copy !req
575. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Here it is.
Copy !req
576. - You're touching the bee!
- I know.
Copy !req
577. Okay.
Copy !req
578. Wow. Thank you.
Copy !req
579. You're like
a grown-up gay Boy Scout,
Copy !req
580. and I'm like whatever ends up
happening to Evan Hansen.
Copy !req
581. Let me see what's playing.
Copy !req
582. What's your favorite movie
of all time?
Copy !req
583. What's my favorite movie
of all time?
Copy !req
584. I don't know.
Copy !req
585. Why? What's your favorite movie?
Copy !req
586. The Hangover.
Copy !req
587. The Hangover is your favorite
movie of all time?
Copy !req
588. How many movies have you seen?
One?
Copy !req
589. - It's a funny movie.
- Yeah, kinda.
Copy !req
590. And you remember one of
the first lines of that movie?
Copy !req
591. "Paging Dr. Faggot."
Copy !req
592. - Remember that?
- Yes.
Copy !req
593. "Paging Dr. Faggot"
is one of the first lines
Copy !req
594. of the highest-grossing comedy
of 2009,
Copy !req
595. and-and no one talks about it.
Copy !req
596. Right?
And it wasn't that long ago.
Copy !req
597. You know, we're just supposed
to, like, laugh it off.
Copy !req
598. It doesn't bother me.
I'm not sensitive like that.
Copy !req
599. I think you just like
getting angry at things.
Copy !req
600. Getting angry at things
is, like, your brand.
Copy !req
601. What? No, it's not! Fuck you!
Copy !req
602. Getting angry at things
is my brand?
Copy !req
603. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
604. You just don't like
to complain about it
Copy !req
605. because that means
your feelings were hurt,
Copy !req
606. and that means
admitting you're weak.
Copy !req
607. And that's too vulnerable.
Copy !req
608. And as much as
we go around saying
Copy !req
609. men should be vulnerable,
you and I both know
Copy !req
610. that is such bullshit.
Copy !req
611. Because for
a lot of these gay guys,
Copy !req
612. sweetness and vulnerability
are wonderful and lovely,
Copy !req
613. but they can also be
a real boner killer.
Copy !req
614. You're very intense.
Copy !req
615. Yes.
Copy !req
616. - I was kidding, by the way.
- About what?
Copy !req
617. The Hangover.
It's not my favorite movie.
Copy !req
618. - No, you weren't.
- Yeah, I was.
Copy !req
619. I just like seeing you
get riled up.
Copy !req
620. - I don't believe you.
- I was kidding.
Copy !req
621. Hmm.
Copy !req
622. I don't like this.
Copy !req
623. Okay.
Let's see what we have here.
Copy !req
624. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
625. Oh, The Treasure Inside
Copy !req
626. is supposed to be
really good, actually.
Copy !req
627. What's that about?
Copy !req
628. It's about
two closeted gay frontiersmen
Copy !req
629. in the California Gold Rush
of 1849.
Copy !req
630. But really it's about two
straight actors playing gay,
Copy !req
631. trying to win an Oscar.
Copy !req
632. I never tire of watching
two very straight actors
Copy !req
633. really transform themselves
into being sad and gay.
Copy !req
634. Gay actors playing gay—
that's not even acting.
Copy !req
635. Oh, I totally agree.
Copy !req
636. If they ever make a movie
about my life,
Copy !req
637. they better hire
a straight actor.
Copy !req
638. I like to think of
my life story as
Copy !req
639. just another way for Benedict
Cumberbatch to really score.
Copy !req
640. Okay, if we don't see this
movie, what are we gonna do?
Copy !req
641. Well, I didn't say
I didn't want to see the movie.
Copy !req
642. - Oh.
- I'll see the fucking movie.
Copy !req
643. I'm dying to.
Copy !req
644. I'd put it way above
Call Me by Your Name
Copy !req
645. but sort of below Dallas Buyers.
Copy !req
646. Well, it got me in the end.
Copy !req
647. Yeah, but why does it always
have to be so tragic?
Copy !req
648. I don't know.
Philadelphia, Milk, Brokeback.
Copy !req
649. Happy endings don't win Oscars.
Copy !req
650. Straight people love
seeing us miserable.
Copy !req
651. - Mm.
- Wait, Aaron Shepard?
Copy !req
652. - Josh Evans?
Copy !req
653. - Holy shit! What is up, dude?
- Hey, man. Bro!
Copy !req
654. - Nice to see you.
- It's been for-fucking-ever.
Copy !req
655. Aaron and I— we played hockey
in high school.
Copy !req
656. This is my fiancée Samantha.
Copy !req
657. - Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Hey.
Copy !req
658. Uh, this is, uh, Bobby.
Copy !req
659. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
660. We just saw The Treasure Inside.
Copy !req
661. It's about
closeted gay frontiersmen.
Copy !req
662. Oh. Okay. Nice.
Copy !req
663. It's just,
like, some dumb movie.
Copy !req
664. Oh, wait. I want to see that.
Copy !req
665. Gay guys are my jam.
Copy !req
666. - Hmm.
Copy !req
667. So what are you guys doing here?
Copy !req
668. Just a little trip.
Copy !req
669. It's her first time
in New York City.
Copy !req
670. This city is sick.
Copy !req
671. - It really is.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
672. Well... awesome.
Copy !req
673. - Yeah.
- Uh, nice to meet you, Bob.
Copy !req
674. Nice to meet you guys.
Copy !req
675. That is crazy.
Copy !req
676. I never run into anybody
from my hometown.
Copy !req
677. Oh, yeah, bro. Totally, bro.
Copy !req
678. Just some dumb movie, bro.
Copy !req
679. I had the biggest crush on him
in high school.
Copy !req
680. Yep. That tracks.
Copy !req
681. Well, like the bearded lady
in The Greatest Showman,
Copy !req
682. - this is me.
Copy !req
683. Oh.
Copy !req
684. The faux Chicago Cub?
Copy !req
685. Yeah. His husband
just sent me that.
Copy !req
686. Wow. They are extremely hot.
Copy !req
687. Yeah, Mike and Doug— they're
these roided-out meatheads.
Copy !req
688. They're not the brightest,
but they're really sweet.
Copy !req
689. Do you want to go over there?
Copy !req
690. Wait. Are you ditching me again
Copy !req
691. to go fuck the baseball
cosplayer and his husband?
Copy !req
692. No, I'm not ditching you.
I'm inviting you.
Copy !req
693. Why don't you
just come upstairs?
Copy !req
694. Ah, I don't really do the whole
relationship thing very well.
Copy !req
695. Relationship?
Copy !req
696. When did I say I wanted to be
in a relationship with you?
Copy !req
697. We literally hung out one day.
Copy !req
698. Yeah, but if I go upstairs,
Copy !req
699. it becomes, like,
a whole thing and...
Copy !req
700. Whatever.
We should just go over there.
Copy !req
701. It'll be fun.
Copy !req
702. I'm not gonna go,
but you should go.
Copy !req
703. Can I ask you one thing, though?
Copy !req
704. Why did you text me
if you didn't want to hook up?
Copy !req
705. I'm not angry.
I'm just honestly curious.
Copy !req
706. I didn't say
I didn't want to— I...
Copy !req
707. I guess I had fun
talking to you at the club,
Copy !req
708. and I wanted to say,
"Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
709. "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
710. So, basically you texted me
when you were feeling hungover
Copy !req
711. and lonely in that moment,
but you're not actually into me,
Copy !req
712. but you went on the date anyway.
Copy !req
713. Why are gay guys so weird?
Copy !req
714. Actually, you know,
we're not weird.
Copy !req
715. We're just constantly catering
to our own whims and needs,
Copy !req
716. which can change on a dime,
but we never even think about
Copy !req
717. the emotional consequences
of the other person.
Copy !req
718. Anyway, it's been a blast
catering to your whims.
Copy !req
719. And, honestly, I can't
really say anything about it
Copy !req
720. because I do the same thing
to people all the time, so...
Copy !req
721. - Fun day. And, um...
- Fun day.
Copy !req
722. - Yeah.
- Have fun with those guys.
Copy !req
723. Okay. Bye.
Copy !req
724. Bobby, wait.
Copy !req
725. I had a really nice time today.
Copy !req
726. Me, too.
Copy !req
727. I never go on dates,
but that was really fun.
Copy !req
728. Yeah.
I had a really good time, too.
Copy !req
729. Hey, I'm gonna go.
Copy !req
730. Oh, really?
Copy !req
731. Yeah.
Copy !req
732. Is everything okay?
Is this weird?
Copy !req
733. Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's fun. It's great.
Copy !req
734. I just— I'm just gonna go.
Copy !req
735. - Okay.
- Okay. I'll see you.
Copy !req
736. - Okay. Bye.
- Okay.
Copy !req
737. Bye.
Copy !req
738. Hey, guys, I'm gonna go.
Thank you so much.
Copy !req
739. - No. You're leaving?
- Yeah, I got to go.
Copy !req
740. All right, man.
It was nice meeting you.
Copy !req
741. - Yeah, you, too. It was lovely.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
742. - Thank you.
- All right. Good night.
Copy !req
743. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
744. Thanks for coming.
We're convinced Brian's gay,
Copy !req
745. and I think it's good for him
to have his gay uncle around.
Copy !req
746. Oh, my God. Of course.
Copy !req
747. I'm always here to be a good
"guncle" to my "g-nephew."
Copy !req
748. - Aw. -Uncle Bobby,
will you read my report?
Copy !req
749. It's about Freddie Mercury.
Copy !req
750. He's obsessed with
Bohemian Rhapsody.
Copy !req
751. Oh, my God, I love this.
Copy !req
752. And like that movie,
does your report take a story
Copy !req
753. about one of the great
gay icons and make it about
Copy !req
754. that one time
he maybe had sex with a woman?
Copy !req
755. I thought Freddie Mercury
was bi.
Copy !req
756. He had a wife.
Copy !req
757. Yeah, well, so did Jesus,
and he was gay.
Copy !req
758. This is excellent
and an improvement on the film.
Copy !req
759. Good job!
Copy !req
760. What are those GIFs
from The Hangover?
Copy !req
761. Nothing.
Copy !req
762. This guy I went out with
won't stop texting me.
Copy !req
763. A guy? Really?
Copy !req
764. - Like a Grindr guy?
- No, shockingly.
Copy !req
765. I actually met this one
in real life.
Copy !req
766. Bobby!
Copy !req
767. That's fantastic!
Copy !req
768. You think you're gonna
see him again?
Copy !req
769. No. He told me
he prefers group sex
Copy !req
770. to one-on-one because
one-on-one is too intense
Copy !req
771. and makes it a whole thing.
Copy !req
772. We went on one date, and
we had sex with three people.
Copy !req
773. Gay relationships these days
are like a clown car.
Copy !req
774. Oh, there's another one.
Oh, look, another one.
Copy !req
775. Oh, another one?
It's ridiculous.
Copy !req
776. Plus, I don't think
I'm his type.
Copy !req
777. - How do you know?
- Because I know.
Copy !req
778. He told me
he likes country music
Copy !req
779. and his favorite singer
is Garth Brooks.
Copy !req
780. What kind of gay man says
Copy !req
781. his favorite singer
is Garth Brooks?
Copy !req
782. That scares me.
Copy !req
783. Plus, I see the guys he likes.
Copy !req
784. They all look exactly like him.
Copy !req
785. They're all these, like, big,
hot, straight-acting dudes.
Copy !req
786. It's just not me.
Copy !req
787. Well, is he a top or bottom?
Copy !req
788. What does that
have to do with anything?
Copy !req
789. Maybe you're both bottoms,
and that's the problem.
Copy !req
790. I'm not always
the bottom, Edgar.
Copy !req
791. Bottom dance!
Copy !req
792. - Ooh, bottom dance!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
793. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
794. Gay sex was more fun
Copy !req
795. when straight people
were uncomfortable with it.
Copy !req
796. Fucking Schitt's Creek.
Copy !req
797. Maybe we should
stop talking about
Copy !req
798. anal sex
in front of your children.
Copy !req
799. - Nah. -Oh, please.
It's a natural part of life.
Copy !req
800. Bobby, ask him out again.
You never like anyone.
Copy !req
801. He is so handsome.
Copy !req
802. - So are you.
- Y-You're a hottie.
Copy !req
803. He is, like, on another level.
He's like gay Tom Brady.
Copy !req
804. When I'm with him,
I feel like friggin' Elphaba.
Copy !req
805. I bet he's as intimidated
by you as you are by him.
Copy !req
806. - Oh, yeah.
- I'm telling you.
Copy !req
807. He's just scared
of being vulnerable.
Copy !req
808. Gay guys from your generation
Copy !req
809. still have all these
pent-up masculinity issues,
Copy !req
810. and you all just need
to get over it already.
Copy !req
811. Half the kids in Brian's class
are nonbinary.
Copy !req
812. Well, it's not fair, Tina.
Copy !req
813. We had AIDS, and they had Glee.
Copy !req
814. But there is a work thing
Copy !req
815. I was thinking of
maybe inviting him to.
Copy !req
816. - Maybe.
- What, a work thing?
Copy !req
817. With lots of celebrities
and fancy people?
Copy !req
818. Now, are you gonna peacock
to impress him?
Copy !req
819. No. It's just a big fundraiser
Copy !req
820. for the museum,
and I need to bring someone.
Copy !req
821. Are you gonna be onstage?
Copy !req
822. No, I am not going to be
onstage, okay?
Copy !req
823. I am not some sort of
narcissistic sociopath.
Copy !req
824. - Thank you, Doja Cat.
Copy !req
825. Everyone, there are
rock paintings in Zimbabwe
Copy !req
826. which depict homosexuality
Copy !req
827. that date back to the year
2000 BCE.
Copy !req
828. If only the men
on those paintings
Copy !req
829. had lived another 4,000 years
to see a character come out
Copy !req
830. on It's Always Sunny
in Philadelphia.
Copy !req
831. - Who did your chin?
Copy !req
832. Oh, no. It's real.
Copy !req
833. Yeah.
Copy !req
834. Mine, too.
Copy !req
835. Please continue to
give generously so the museum
Copy !req
836. can tell all the stories
in between
Copy !req
837. that have never been told.
Copy !req
838. Thank you very much. Good night.
Copy !req
839. Hey, I'm so sorry
I left you alone.
Copy !req
840. - Things got a little crazy.
- No.
Copy !req
841. Hey, dude, you-you were,
you were awesome.
Copy !req
842. I mean, I could never do that,
Copy !req
843. - speaking in front of a bunch
of people like that. -Oh.
Copy !req
844. You move in
some pretty fancy circles.
Copy !req
845. I had no idea.
Copy !req
846. Oh, trust me,
it's not always this glamorous.
Copy !req
847. - Bobby, that was amazing,
as always. -Oh.
Copy !req
848. - Thank you, Charles.
- Congrats on everything.
Copy !req
849. Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.
Copy !req
850. Thank you.
Copy !req
851. Great speech, Bobby.
Copy !req
852. Thank you so much.
Copy !req
853. Hey, do you want to see
the museum?
Copy !req
854. - I can give you a private tour.
- Oh, sure.
Copy !req
855. I-I don't want to drag you
away from all this, though.
Copy !req
856. Oh, no, it's fine.
Copy !req
857. - Here. That way.
- Okay.
Copy !req
858. This is The Legends Pavilion.
Copy !req
859. Unsung heroes
from LGBTQ+ history.
Copy !req
860. Marsha P. Johnson
and Sylvia Rivera.
Copy !req
861. Usually, Stonewall
is the only thing
Copy !req
862. straight people know
about queer history.
Copy !req
863. Truthfully, no one really knows
Copy !req
864. who threw the first bricks
at Stonewall.
Copy !req
865. But it was trans women of color
like Marsha and Sylvia
Copy !req
866. who drove the earliest days of
the queer liberation movement.
Copy !req
867. So what do you think?
Copy !req
868. It's pretty incredible, right?
Copy !req
869. Yeah. I mean, it's-it's-it's
really impressive.
Copy !req
870. But?
Copy !req
871. But it's kind of depressing.
Copy !req
872. It's depressing?
It made you depressed?
Copy !req
873. It's AIDS and Nazis
and homophobia.
Copy !req
874. All of it's just—
it's kind of a downer.
Copy !req
875. Okay.
Well, what were you expecting?
Copy !req
876. A Night at the Museum?
Copy !req
877. Honestly, my family
loves that movie.
Copy !req
878. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
879. Oh, what if you did
something like that?
Copy !req
880. Where-where the things,
they come alive,
Copy !req
881. and they, like, talk at you.
Copy !req
882. "Where the things come alive,
and they talk at you"?
Copy !req
883. - Yeah.
- Like what exactly? Oh, oh.
Copy !req
884. What if we had, like,
Copy !req
885. - a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt,
right? -Yeah.
Copy !req
886. And you get really close,
and then all of a sudden,
Copy !req
887. you realize
that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.
Copy !req
888. It's Amy Schumer.
Copy !req
889. - Oh.
- No!
Copy !req
890. It's a museum.
It's not supposed to be fun.
Copy !req
891. Bobby.
Copy !req
892. We've got Debra Messing's
agent on a Zoom.
Copy !req
893. It's urgent.
Copy !req
894. Debra's worried that she's
on the verge of being canceled.
Copy !req
895. She said in an interview
that she was
Copy !req
896. the Viola Davis of Tufts,
and people are mad.
Copy !req
897. - Her agent is saying
Copy !req
898. that she may give a very big
donation to the museum
Copy !req
899. to save face.
Copy !req
900. Who's Debra Messing?
Copy !req
901. From Will & Grace. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
902. - Yes.
- Okay, wait. This is amazing.
Copy !req
903. - Yes. -Stay right here.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Copy !req
904. - Sure. Yep.
- Let's go. -Okay.
Copy !req
905. Aaron?
Copy !req
906. Aaron?
Copy !req
907. What the fuck?
Copy !req
908. - Say hi to your brother.
- Sup? -Sup?
Copy !req
909. Jason's staying here
Copy !req
910. while he figures out
where to live.
Copy !req
911. Never get divorced, Aaron.
Copy !req
912. - Never get married.
- Okay, Mom.
Copy !req
913. I'm sorry. I'm at work, so
I-I should probably get going.
Copy !req
914. Oh,
I almost forgot to tell you.
Copy !req
915. Do you remember Josh Evans?
Copy !req
916. Yeah, Josh Evans
from high school.
Copy !req
917. I actually ran into him
and his fiancée
Copy !req
918. on the street the other day.
Copy !req
919. Well, they just broke up.
And you want to know why?
Copy !req
920. Because he's gay.
Copy !req
921. Josh Ev— No.
Copy !req
922. I'm definitely embarrassed
Copy !req
923. about how long
this has taken me,
Copy !req
924. but I'm told people do this
in their own time.
Copy !req
925. I've been empowered by my hero,
Colton Underwood,
Copy !req
926. to say that, as it turns out,
I'm gay.
Copy !req
927. And like this post
if you like that I'm gay.
Copy !req
928. Peace.
Copy !req
929. Holy shit.
Copy !req
930. So we started going
back and forth for a while,
Copy !req
931. and then at the end,
I was just like,
Copy !req
932. "Why don't you call the album
Lemonade?"
Copy !req
933. Bobby?
Copy !req
934. When you're ready.
Copy !req
935. - What?
- When you're ready.
Copy !req
936. Sorry.
Copy !req
937. Okay. People wonder
Copy !req
938. if America is ready
for its first gay president.
Copy !req
939. I say we already had one.
Copy !req
940. For the final wing,
please consider
Copy !req
941. A Gay American Love Story.
Copy !req
942. For years, historians have
Copy !req
943. speculated about
Lincoln's sexuality.
Copy !req
944. He shared a bed and
exchanged intimate letters with
Copy !req
945. multiple men over the years,
including Joshua Speed
Copy !req
946. - and David Derrickson. Speed...
- Okay, I'm stopping you.
Copy !req
947. Bobby, it won't work.
You can't say Lincoln was gay.
Copy !req
948. - Why?
- There's no way to confirm
Copy !req
949. those were sexual relationships.
Copy !req
950. There's no evidence of love.
Copy !req
951. Well, of course there's
no evidence of love, Robert.
Copy !req
952. We weren't allowed to exist.
Copy !req
953. How would we have
enough evidence?
Copy !req
954. Okay, Lincoln was married to
a woman and had four children.
Copy !req
955. He was not gay, Bobby.
Copy !req
956. He might have been bi.
Copy !req
957. I am telling you!
Copy !req
958. We have let the world
erase gay love stories
Copy !req
959. since the beginning of time.
Copy !req
960. This is our chance
to reject the shame
Copy !req
961. and restore the truth.
Copy !req
962. And if we don't do this,
we're letting them win.
Copy !req
963. We're letting the
heterosexual terrorists win.
Copy !req
964. The heterosexual terrorists?
Copy !req
965. - That's right.
- There are also gay terrorists.
Copy !req
966. And there are
bi terrorists, okay?
Copy !req
967. There are
many bisexual terrorists.
Copy !req
968. Okay, there are
trans terrorists, too.
Copy !req
969. - Caitlyn Jenner.
Copy !req
970. Enough, people.
Let's vote on it.
Copy !req
971. Okay.
Copy !req
972. Looks like we have two votes
Copy !req
973. for The Great Bisexuals
of the World.
Copy !req
974. Thank you, someone.
Copy !req
975. And three votes
for The Lincoln Letters.
Copy !req
976. - Lincoln wins.
- Yes!
Copy !req
977. - Thank you! Thank you.
Copy !req
978. Debra Messing is
in the building.
Copy !req
979. Yes! My girl.
Copy !req
980. Are you okay?
Copy !req
981. - Yeah.
- Debra Messing.
Copy !req
982. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
Copy !req
983. Okay. Wish me luck.
Copy !req
984. - Miss Messing.
- Oh, please call me Debra.
Copy !req
985. - Oh.
- Oh.
Copy !req
986. I love this space.
Copy !req
987. How did you find it?
Copy !req
988. Oh, God. How did we find it?
Copy !req
989. Um, I don't know. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
990. Are you okay, dear?
You seem a little flustered.
Copy !req
991. - Trust me.
Copy !req
992. I know I'm Debra Messing,
but I'm only human.
Copy !req
993. Right.
Copy !req
994. Um, no, I'm fine.
Copy !req
995. It's a— I'm so sorry.
It's boy problems.
Copy !req
996. It's nothing. It's stupid.
Copy !req
997. - Oh.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
998. He was actually here last night.
Copy !req
999. He came to
the fundraiser with me,
Copy !req
1000. and then out of nowhere,
he left, you know.
Copy !req
1001. And I keep texting him,
and he doesn't text me back.
Copy !req
1002. I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Copy !req
1003. - How are you?
- I am so excited for this tour.
Copy !req
1004. Can I just ask you
really quickly?
Copy !req
1005. Because I actually think
Copy !req
1006. you're, like,
the perfect person to ask.
Copy !req
1007. What is going on?
Copy !req
1008. You know, like,
is he not interested in me
Copy !req
1009. or did something really come up?
Copy !req
1010. And why am I
thinking about it so much?
Copy !req
1011. That's what's so annoying.
Copy !req
1012. You know, because I'm never
distracted like this, okay?
Copy !req
1013. This is not who I am.
Copy !req
1014. And it's like, what do I do now?
Copy !req
1015. Do I text him again?
Do I call him?
Copy !req
1016. Do I go to his house, you know?
Copy !req
1017. What do I do, Debra?
Copy !req
1018. You know, for the last 25 years,
Copy !req
1019. I have been listening
to every gay man on earth
Copy !req
1020. complain to me.
Copy !req
1021. I am not my character.
Copy !req
1022. I am not every gay man's
best friend.
Copy !req
1023. I am simply out in the world,
Copy !req
1024. thinking that I'm gonna get
a tour of a museum, but no. No!
Copy !req
1025. Did I waltz in here
and lay all my shit on you?
Copy !req
1026. - Answer me! Answer me!
- I'm just— I...
Copy !req
1027. Shut up!
Copy !req
1028. I am a divorced single mother.
Copy !req
1029. You want to hear
what that's like?
Copy !req
1030. I'm so sorry about this.
I'm terribly embarrassed.
Copy !req
1031. Please let me,
let me start again. I...
Copy !req
1032. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wh-What's going on in here?
Copy !req
1033. Do you have some personal shit
Copy !req
1034. you want to complain
to me about?
Copy !req
1035. - No.
- Of course not.
Copy !req
1036. Because lesbians
have their shit together.
Copy !req
1037. I got to go.
I lose my sitter in an hour.
Copy !req
1038. Miss Messing, please come back.
I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1039. I am not Grace!
Copy !req
1040. It is a character.
Copy !req
1041. I won an Emmy for it.
Copy !req
1042. I even beat
Sarah Jessica Parker.
Copy !req
1043. People forget!
Copy !req
1044. - I'm shaving my head.
Copy !req
1045. What the fuck
is this doing here?
Copy !req
1046. Bobby!
What is going on with you?
Copy !req
1047. Debra Messing
just told you to fuck off.
Copy !req
1048. The door's fucking locked.
Copy !req
1049. - Oh, please let me help you.
- No. I want her.
Copy !req
1050. - Hey, it's me.
Copy !req
1051. Um, call me when you're around.
Copy !req
1052. Okay, bye.
Copy !req
1053. Hey, what's up?
Copy !req
1054. What's up?
Copy !req
1055. Sorry I haven't replied.
Copy !req
1056. I've just been busy.
Copy !req
1057. No worries. Same.
Copy !req
1058. You want to hang out
this weekend?
Copy !req
1059. Hey, Bobby.
I have to be honest.
Copy !req
1060. I really like
hanging out with you.
Copy !req
1061. You're so smart and funny,
Copy !req
1062. but I'm not sure
I'm the right match for you.
Copy !req
1063. I'm not sure I'm at your level.
Copy !req
1064. Maybe your friends were right
when they said I was boring.
Copy !req
1065. Good luck with everything.
Copy !req
1066. Oh, come on.
Copy !req
1067. Sure.
Copy !req
1068. Why are you sitting on the grass
Copy !req
1069. and not this gigantic blanket?
Copy !req
1070. I like grass.
Copy !req
1071. Mm. Cool. Cool.
Copy !req
1072. So what's up?
Copy !req
1073. - What's been going on?
- Oh, wait.
Copy !req
1074. Crazy story.
Copy !req
1075. Remember that guy I ran into,
Copy !req
1076. that old buddy from high school?
Copy !req
1077. - Yeah.
- Yeah. He just came out.
Copy !req
1078. What?
Copy !req
1079. Broke up with his fiancée.
I had no idea.
Copy !req
1080. - Wow.
- Crazy.
Copy !req
1081. - Good for him.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1082. That's cool.
Copy !req
1083. Very cool.
Copy !req
1084. Okay, I'm sorry.
What is going on?
Copy !req
1085. - What do you mean?
- The other night.
Copy !req
1086. Leaving me at the museum
like that.
Copy !req
1087. And then you didn't return
any of my texts.
Copy !req
1088. Well, you texted me
like 15 times.
Copy !req
1089. It was a little scary.
Copy !req
1090. Okay, I need you
to be honest with me.
Copy !req
1091. You're not attracted
to me, right?
Copy !req
1092. It's okay. I can handle it.
Copy !req
1093. I won't be insulted.
Copy !req
1094. - I just need to know.
Copy !req
1095. Just be honest with me
so I don't waste my time.
Copy !req
1096. - I'm not your type, right?
- Bobby, it's not that.
Copy !req
1097. - You are a very attractive guy.
- Okay. Well, thanks.
Copy !req
1098. So why are you being so weird
and passive-aggressive?
Copy !req
1099. Look, you're being
very loud, actually.
Copy !req
1100. - You like dumb guys.
- What?
Copy !req
1101. Yeah, you heard me.
I see what you like.
Copy !req
1102. You like these big,
like, fucking bro-ey,
Copy !req
1103. like, meathead idiots.
Copy !req
1104. Oh, is that
what you like, Aaron? Yeah?
Copy !req
1105. - You want to play with
the big boys, huh? -Yep.
Copy !req
1106. Oh, look, Aaron,
they're fighting.
Copy !req
1107. - You want to be in the fight?
- Yeah, that's right.
Copy !req
1108. You want to be back in the old
high school locker room, huh?
Copy !req
1109. - Yeah.
- With your hockey friends,
Copy !req
1110. like, stealing a glance
at fucking Josh, right?
Copy !req
1111. - Huh? Yeah, you like that?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1112. Hey.
Copy !req
1113. - Yeah, I can be tough.
- Oh, wow.
Copy !req
1114. Yeah, I can be tough
like your boys.
Copy !req
1115. - You stop that. -Yeah.
Oh, that's what you like, huh?
Copy !req
1116. - Oh, now you're on
my blanket, bro. -Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
1117. Yeah, get on my blanket, bro.
Copy !req
1118. - Oh, now I'm on your blanket.
- Oh, now you want
Copy !req
1119. - on my big blanket?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1120. Now you want to be
on my big blanket?
Copy !req
1121. I can be aggressive.
Oh, there you are.
Copy !req
1122. - There you— I can...
- Yeah? Yeah, yeah?
Copy !req
1123. Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?
Copy !req
1124. - I'm all over
your blanket. -Yeah?
Copy !req
1125. - Boys?
Copy !req
1126. - Okay, man.
- Oh, yeah. -My bad.
Copy !req
1127. - My place is near here.
- Let's go the fuck home.
Copy !req
1128. Yeah.
Copy !req
1129. Ow! Ow. Oh, ow!
Copy !req
1130. - Ow, ow, ow.
Copy !req
1131. Oh. Whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
1132. Ow! Oh.
Copy !req
1133. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I like that.
Copy !req
1134. - I like that.
- You like that?
Copy !req
1135. - I like that.
- You're gonna take that?
Copy !req
1136. - Yeah, that's what you like.
Copy !req
1137. Ooh, yeah.
Copy !req
1138. Oh, yeah. Dirty. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1139. - Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1140. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Copy !req
1141. - Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1142. - Mm-hmm. You like that?
- Yeah. Yes.
Copy !req
1143. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
1144. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1145. - Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
1146. - Good? Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1147. - Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
1148. - You gonna tap out?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll tap out.
Copy !req
1149. - Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah?
- I'll tap out.
Copy !req
1150. - You gonna tap out? Tap out.
- I'll tap out.
Copy !req
1151. - I tap out!
- Are you good? Are you good?
Copy !req
1152. - I tapped out. I tapped out.
- Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.
Copy !req
1153. Oh.
Copy !req
1154. - Oh! Oh.
Copy !req
1155. - Great. Yeah, you like that?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1156. Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, you like that?
Copy !req
1157. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- You like that? You like that?
Copy !req
1158. - Oh, yeah. You like that?
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
1159. - Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
1160. You like poppers?
Copy !req
1161. - Yeah.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1162. That was crazy.
Copy !req
1163. Yeah.
Copy !req
1164. I like how your chest
goes in like that.
Copy !req
1165. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
1166. Mm, it's called a concave chest.
Copy !req
1167. Well, I like it.
Copy !req
1168. It's like a tiny birdbath.
Copy !req
1169. It's like a birdbath?
Copy !req
1170. - Mm.
- Great.
Copy !req
1171. I always wanted my chest
Copy !req
1172. to look exactly like
a tiny birdbath.
Copy !req
1173. - It's what every man wants.
Copy !req
1174. I like how hairy you are.
Copy !req
1175. You're like Austin Powers.
Copy !req
1176. Thank you.
Copy !req
1177. God, I never thought
I would date someone who gets
Copy !req
1178. more excited about Austin
Powers than Debra Messing.
Copy !req
1179. Where did I go wrong?
Copy !req
1180. Wait. Are-are we dating?
Copy !req
1181. No.
Copy !req
1182. We're not dating. Please.
Copy !req
1183. I was joking.
Copy !req
1184. You don't date people.
I don't date people.
Copy !req
1185. We don't date people.
Copy !req
1186. - Remember?
- I remember.
Copy !req
1187. - Ow. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1188. So annoying how good
a warm body feels
Copy !req
1189. laying on another warm body.
Copy !req
1190. - Hmm? -I hate getting
work emails on a Sunday.
Copy !req
1191. Your job is really intense.
Copy !req
1192. Yes, and I hate it.
Copy !req
1193. It's fucking stressful
and depressing
Copy !req
1194. and so fucking boring. I-I...
Copy !req
1195. I fucking hate it.
Copy !req
1196. - I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1197. Was there something else
you wanted to do?
Copy !req
1198. Bobby, I need
to tell you something.
Copy !req
1199. When I was younger...
Copy !req
1200. - What happened?
- I...
Copy !req
1201. You can tell me.
Copy !req
1202. When I was younger, I wanted
to make little chocolates.
Copy !req
1203. You wanted to make...
Copy !req
1204. - little chocolates?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1205. I used to tell my parents
I was going to the arcade
Copy !req
1206. at the mall, but
I would sneak off to Godiva.
Copy !req
1207. I just loved how all
the chocolates were wrapped.
Copy !req
1208. And I thought about how I would
design my own chocolates,
Copy !req
1209. how each little chocolate has
Copy !req
1210. its own specific,
unique design on it,
Copy !req
1211. and that little design tells you
Copy !req
1212. what they're gonna taste like.
Copy !req
1213. So I would draw my own
chocolates in-in a notepad.
Copy !req
1214. It's all I thought about.
Copy !req
1215. Tiny little pretty chocolates.
Copy !req
1216. That's good.
Copy !req
1217. What was I gonna do
with that, though?
Copy !req
1218. What was I gonna be?
Copy !req
1219. A chocolatier?
Copy !req
1220. Bobby, I wasn't gonna be
a fucking chocolatier.
Copy !req
1221. I don't know. Why not?
Copy !req
1222. It seemed kind of faggy.
Copy !req
1223. Oh, my God, Aaron.
Copy !req
1224. Faggy?
Copy !req
1225. It's not faggy
to spend your life
Copy !req
1226. making pretty little chocolates.
Copy !req
1227. - Bobby.
- Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1228. But so what?
So you're a big fag.
Copy !req
1229. So am I. It's great.
Copy !req
1230. Did you not realize that
a few minutes ago
Copy !req
1231. when you were sticking
your enormous penis
Copy !req
1232. - into my tiny anus?
- Okay, yeah.
Copy !req
1233. It-It's kind of cliché,
don't you think?
Copy !req
1234. I'd rather be a cliché
than be miserable.
Copy !req
1235. Well, my 15-year-old brain
in 1995—
Copy !req
1236. that is all I thought about.
Copy !req
1237. That was right around the time
Copy !req
1238. that my brother caught me.
Copy !req
1239. - Hooking up with a guy?
- No.
Copy !req
1240. No, I was making
little chocolates.
Copy !req
1241. Oh.
Copy !req
1242. I lied, and I said
that I was...
Copy !req
1243. making chocolates for this girl
Copy !req
1244. that I had a crush on at school.
Copy !req
1245. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1246. This is the cutest thing
I've ever heard.
Copy !req
1247. I guess you just have
this big, exciting life.
Copy !req
1248. I just didn't want you to think
that I was some boring schlub.
Copy !req
1249. I don't think you're boring.
Copy !req
1250. Your friend said I was boring.
Copy !req
1251. Oh, my God.
You were mad about that?
Copy !req
1252. - I was joking. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1253. But, like, I don't understand.
Copy !req
1254. You don't have to be stuck in
that miserable office all day.
Copy !req
1255. You could be out in the world,
I don't know,
Copy !req
1256. making fudge, you know?
Copy !req
1257. You're like a Keebler elf
with internalized homophobia.
Copy !req
1258. You have to do this.
Copy !req
1259. You have to become
a chocolatier.
Copy !req
1260. - Oh, Bobby. -You have to become
a chocolatier.
Copy !req
1261. I'm telling you.
Copy !req
1262. You make that sound so easy.
Copy !req
1263. Well, no, it's not easy.
Copy !req
1264. Nothing's easy.
Copy !req
1265. My God. You know what
I have to do this weekend?
Copy !req
1266. I have to drag my concave chest
Copy !req
1267. up to Provincetown
and beg donors for money.
Copy !req
1268. I need $5 million
or else the museum can't open.
Copy !req
1269. And it's Pride up there,
so the museum has to have
Copy !req
1270. a float in the parade,
and that's a whole thing.
Copy !req
1271. I'm telling you, it is not easy.
Copy !req
1272. It is never easy.
Copy !req
1273. But it's worth it.
Copy !req
1274. Hey, maybe I can come.
Copy !req
1275. To where?
Copy !req
1276. Provincetown?
Copy !req
1277. Oh.
Copy !req
1278. Yeah.
Copy !req
1279. Come, come, come.
Welcome. I'm Louis.
Copy !req
1280. Let me show you your bedroom.
Copy !req
1281. Thank you. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1282. - This house is so beautiful.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1283. How long have you had
this place?
Copy !req
1284. Oh, I've been coming up
to P-town since, uh, 1976.
Copy !req
1285. - Wow.
- Who are all these guys?
Copy !req
1286. Oh, well, um, actually,
that's me.
Copy !req
1287. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1288. Louis, you were so hot.
Copy !req
1289. - Yeah, I know.
- Wow.
Copy !req
1290. Do any of these guys
still come up here, too?
Copy !req
1291. Uh, no.
Copy !req
1292. By 1996, four of the seven
of them were gone.
Copy !req
1293. I got this place in 1999
when I realized that somehow,
Copy !req
1294. miraculously,
I was gonna survive.
Copy !req
1295. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1296. So, tell me.
What are you boys up to today?
Copy !req
1297. Oh, well, I have a work thing
this afternoon,
Copy !req
1298. so I don't really know.
Copy !req
1299. - Probably just lay low.
- Lay low?
Copy !req
1300. You're in P-town.
Copy !req
1301. Go out. Have fun.
Copy !req
1302. You'll be dead soon enough.
Come on.
Copy !req
1303. - Let me show you to your room.
- All right.
Copy !req
1304. Here's your bedroom.
Copy !req
1305. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1306. Oh, wow.
Copy !req
1307. And if you want to fuck,
you let me know.
Copy !req
1308. - Oh. Mm.
- Mm.
Copy !req
1309. Hey, I need to grab something.
Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1310. - Bobby.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1311. Why are you just
walking in here?
Copy !req
1312. I'm sorry. I thought
you were in the shower.
Copy !req
1313. It's not steroids.
It's just testosterone.
Copy !req
1314. Isn't that dangerous, like,
Copy !req
1315. for your liver and balls
and stuff?
Copy !req
1316. No. Half the guys I know
do this stuff.
Copy !req
1317. Yeah, but half the guys
you know are roided-out morons.
Copy !req
1318. Yeah, well, that doesn't
seem to bother you
Copy !req
1319. when you're obsessing
over my body.
Copy !req
1320. Okay, that's fair.
Copy !req
1321. Um, I'm gonna shower.
Copy !req
1322. You have a really nice voice.
Copy !req
1323. What?
Copy !req
1324. I heard you singing
in the shower.
Copy !req
1325. Well, that's mortifying.
Copy !req
1326. Wait, so you're asking
this guy to donate
Copy !req
1327. the remaining five million?
Copy !req
1328. No. If I can get one million
out of him, I'll take it.
Copy !req
1329. You can't scare these people
off by seeming too needy.
Copy !req
1330. - Kind of like with you.
Copy !req
1331. - Who's Lawrence Grape?
- Larry Grape.
Copy !req
1332. Biggest gay TV producer
on the planet.
Copy !req
1333. He's made all this
groundbreaking queer content.
Copy !req
1334. He's major.
Copy !req
1335. Mr. Grape, I'm thinking
Copy !req
1336. the final wing
should be about Lincoln.
Copy !req
1337. Love that. Love Lincoln.
Copy !req
1338. Very few people know this,
Copy !req
1339. but our most popular president
Copy !req
1340. was also
our first gay president.
Copy !req
1341. Sorry. This is a Lincoln museum?
Copy !req
1342. Is this a Lincoln museum, sir?
Copy !req
1343. This is actually
an LGBTQ history museum.
Copy !req
1344. It's the first of its kind
on a national level.
Copy !req
1345. We actually s...
Copy !req
1346. That fucking bush! Come on.
Copy !req
1347. My neighbors planted that bush,
and it blocks my view.
Copy !req
1348. Can you believe that?
Copy !req
1349. Let's go take care of this.
Copy !req
1350. Oh, again with this?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
1351. This is on my property, Maurice!
Copy !req
1352. This is a shared borderline!
Copy !req
1353. This is a fucking disaster.
He won't even listen to me.
Copy !req
1354. He's too busy getting
his rottweiler ready for Pride.
Copy !req
1355. Okay, from my experience
at my job,
Copy !req
1356. weird rich people
just want to be listened to.
Copy !req
1357. Ask him what he's interested in.
Copy !req
1358. But I don't care
what he's interested in.
Copy !req
1359. I'm here to pitch him my idea.
Copy !req
1360. Well, then pretend like
you're interested.
Copy !req
1361. Just do a listening face.
Copy !req
1362. - Do a listening face?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1363. Hmm. Yeah.
Copy !req
1364. - I can't.
- Yes. Come on. Go.
Copy !req
1365. Okay.
Copy !req
1366. - Yes. Yeah, that's good.
- Really?
Copy !req
1367. That looked like I'm listening?
Copy !req
1368. - Totally. Yeah.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1369. plant this on my property!
Copy !req
1370. - It's an indigenous bush!
- Are you going to Pride?
Copy !req
1371. - Of course.
- I'll see you there.
Copy !req
1372. - Love you.
- Oh, I love you, too.
Copy !req
1373. All right. Listening.
I'll try it. I'll try it.
Copy !req
1374. Sorry.
I have to get going, boys.
Copy !req
1375. Oh, Mr. Grape,
let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1376. Um...
Copy !req
1377. what would you like to see
in the museum?
Copy !req
1378. A haunted house
Copy !req
1379. of gay trauma.
Copy !req
1380. A haunted house of gay trauma?
Copy !req
1381. Yeah. It's a cart on a track,
and there's...
Copy !req
1382. I'm sorry. This is a ride?
Copy !req
1383. Yeah, it's a fucking ride!
Copy !req
1384. So you think
a ride is too much?
Copy !req
1385. Um, no. N-No.
Copy !req
1386. No, no, no, no. It's perfect.
Please, keep going.
Copy !req
1387. Okay. We find ourselves in
Copy !req
1388. an intimate little bar
with some young,
Copy !req
1389. hot, animatronic men.
Copy !req
1390. The men turn to dance with each
other when suddenly— Boom!
Copy !req
1391. Oh, my...
Copy !req
1392. A cop car
smashes through the wall.
Copy !req
1393. Police storm out of the cars.
Copy !req
1394. There's sirens and batons
and voices screaming.
Copy !req
1395. And suddenly, the car takes off
like a roller coaster,
Copy !req
1396. and there's blood everywhere.
Copy !req
1397. And a monster with Reagan's
face on it is chasing you
Copy !req
1398. down the hallway saying,
"Shining city on a hill.
Copy !req
1399. Shining city on a hill."
Copy !req
1400. And then...
we shoot out into the light.
Copy !req
1401. And it ends on something happy
Copy !req
1402. like Lil Nas X working out
with pink dumbbells.
Copy !req
1403. Wow.
Copy !req
1404. Um, a gay trauma coaster.
Copy !req
1405. I-I mean,
it's-it's very provocative.
Copy !req
1406. I just don't think we can afford
Copy !req
1407. that sort of thing,
unfortunately.
Copy !req
1408. Right. Well, okay, it was
so lovely meeting you g...
Copy !req
1409. Mr. Grape, Mr. Grape.
Copy !req
1410. I'm not a creative guy.
I'm a money guy.
Copy !req
1411. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I— No, no.
Copy !req
1412. I can tell you,
to accomplish what you want,
Copy !req
1413. we need more than
just a little donation.
Copy !req
1414. - No, Aaron...
- We need $5 million.
Copy !req
1415. And you won't just get
the gay trauma coaster.
Copy !req
1416. You get the Lincoln exhibit.
You get all of it.
Copy !req
1417. You rewrite history
for an entire LGBTQ community.
Copy !req
1418. You're a storyteller, Lawrence,
and this is the ultimate story.
Copy !req
1419. You already pushed
the museum opening back twice.
Copy !req
1420. Is it really happening?
Copy !req
1421. Yes! It's definitely happening.
I promise.
Copy !req
1422. My entire life
has led up to this.
Copy !req
1423. Right, well,
$5 million is nothing
Copy !req
1424. to rewrite history.
Copy !req
1425. I'm in.
Copy !req
1426. Wait, really?
Copy !req
1427. - Yes! Yes! -Oh, my God!
Mr. Grape, thank you!
Copy !req
1428. Of course.
Copy !req
1429. Congratulations on my money.
Happy Pride.
Copy !req
1430. - Happy Pride!
- Now I have to go
Copy !req
1431. to a Pride party, and you're
both too old to be in the pool.
Copy !req
1432. Please leave.
Copy !req
1433. Aaron! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1434. You're a genius.
Copy !req
1435. "You're a storyteller"?
Copy !req
1436. - Where did that even come from?
- I told you.
Copy !req
1437. I'm good at talking
to weird rich folk.
Copy !req
1438. I could tell
he had money to spend.
Copy !req
1439. I-I don't know what to say.
Copy !req
1440. Thank you.
Copy !req
1441. Sure.
Copy !req
1442. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1443. Oh, shit!
I got to go to the parade.
Copy !req
1444. I got to get on
that stupid float.
Copy !req
1445. - I'll see you after.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1446. Okay. Thank you.
Copy !req
1447. Okay.
Copy !req
1448. I kissed you!
Copy !req
1449. Are we kissing each other now?
I don't know! Bye!
Copy !req
1450. Bobby!
Copy !req
1451. You're gorgeous.
Copy !req
1452. What? You are.
Copy !req
1453. I still can't believe what
you did with Lawrence today.
Copy !req
1454. That was amazing!
Copy !req
1455. $5 million?
Copy !req
1456. It's not that big a deal.
Copy !req
1457. It is a huge deal.
Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1458. I always have to do
everything for myself.
Copy !req
1459. No one ever does shit
like that for me.
Copy !req
1460. You know, what you did for me
you could do for yourself.
Copy !req
1461. Open a chocolate shop.
I don't know.
Copy !req
1462. I'm not opening
a chocolate shop.
Copy !req
1463. I'm not as confident as you.
Copy !req
1464. Oh, please.
I'm not that confident.
Copy !req
1465. You are the most confident
person I know,
Copy !req
1466. like, to a fault.
Copy !req
1467. - It's actually—
Copy !req
1468. It's kind of scary.
Copy !req
1469. Trust me, it's all an act.
Copy !req
1470. Confidence is
just a choice you make.
Copy !req
1471. It's a decision like any other.
Copy !req
1472. Usually born out of necessity.
Copy !req
1473. You think I have
a good singing voice now?
Copy !req
1474. You should have heard me
when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1475. I was even better.
Copy !req
1476. Had American Idol existed then,
Copy !req
1477. I would've been the gay guy
with an amazing voice
Copy !req
1478. who comes in second.
Copy !req
1479. - And then let's see.
Copy !req
1480. Then I went to college, and
my musical theater teacher—
Copy !req
1481. he told me that I had
a "gay walk"
Copy !req
1482. and a "flamboyant quality"
which would "limit my options."
Copy !req
1483. And then for grad school,
I went to
Copy !req
1484. one of the best journalism
schools in the country,
Copy !req
1485. and my teacher there,
Copy !req
1486. this old, closeted queen
who was married to a woman,
Copy !req
1487. pulled me aside and thought
he was doing me a favor
Copy !req
1488. when he told me that
I should stick to writing
Copy !req
1489. because my voice sounded
too gay to do the news on TV.
Copy !req
1490. True story.
Copy !req
1491. And then I did stick to writing
and my gay history books.
Copy !req
1492. Every single publisher,
every single one,
Copy !req
1493. told me there wasn't enough
of an audience for it.
Copy !req
1494. I was always too gay,
or I was too niche,
Copy !req
1495. or, you know,
I made people uncomfortable.
Copy !req
1496. Even my dad, who was
so wonderful and supportive—
Copy !req
1497. I remember him saying,
"You know, not everyone
Copy !req
1498. wants to hear this gay stuff
all the time."
Copy !req
1499. But what was I supposed to do?
Copy !req
1500. I mean...
I'm a writer.
Copy !req
1501. I wanted to write about
my life, my friends, my world.
Copy !req
1502. And I'm telling you,
Copy !req
1503. enough people
tell you things like that,
Copy !req
1504. no matter how confident you are,
Copy !req
1505. when you're alone at night,
Copy !req
1506. you start to think
that maybe they're right.
Copy !req
1507. So... I just...
Copy !req
1508. I put my head down,
Copy !req
1509. and I just worked really hard,
Copy !req
1510. and I just hoped that somehow
Copy !req
1511. all these other people
were wrong.
Copy !req
1512. And they were.
Copy !req
1513. And they were.
Copy !req
1514. I mean, I spent years
Copy !req
1515. watching a wave of mediocre
straight men passing me by.
Copy !req
1516. Men with half the talent,
who worked half as hard,
Copy !req
1517. who didn't care
as much as I did,
Copy !req
1518. and they got twice as far,
always.
Copy !req
1519. I mean,
that's an old story, but...
Copy !req
1520. And, you know,
the world caught up with us.
Copy !req
1521. Didn't catch up fast enough.
Copy !req
1522. Didn't catch up fast enough
for my parents to see
Copy !req
1523. all these great things
happen for me.
Copy !req
1524. Right?
Copy !req
1525. Didn't catch up fast enough
for a lot of people.
Copy !req
1526. That's the truth.
Copy !req
1527. Let me tell you,
confidence is just knowing
Copy !req
1528. you're the only person left
you can count on.
Copy !req
1529. That's all that is.
Copy !req
1530. That's all.
Copy !req
1531. Want another beer?
Copy !req
1532. Sure.
Copy !req
1533. Sorry. That was a lot.
Copy !req
1534. Did that weird you out?
Copy !req
1535. I love this song.
Copy !req
1536. That is a weird dance.
Copy !req
1537. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1538. At least I dance.
Copy !req
1539. I can dance.
Copy !req
1540. I have never seen you dance.
Literally, no one has.
Copy !req
1541. - Really?
- No.
Copy !req
1542. - Want to see me dance?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1543. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
1544. Oh. Very good.
Copy !req
1545. - There you go.
- Come on.
Copy !req
1546. I want you to fuck me.
Copy !req
1547. Are you sure?
Copy !req
1548. When was the last time
you did that?
Copy !req
1549. It's been a while.
Copy !req
1550. But I want you to.
Copy !req
1551. - Okay.
- Good.
Copy !req
1552. Yeah. All right. Here you go.
Copy !req
1553. - Merry Christmas.
- Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1554. Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1555. Okay.
Copy !req
1556. - Whoa. Okay.
- Ready?
Copy !req
1557. Great. Fine.
Copy !req
1558. - It's gonna be good.
- Whew.
Copy !req
1559. - It's all worth it!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1560. It's all worth it!
Copy !req
1561. What's up? Aaron!
Copy !req
1562. - Wh...
- What's up, man?
Copy !req
1563. - Whoa. -I was wondering
when I was gonna run into you.
Copy !req
1564. It's like seven of us.
Copy !req
1565. Hey, congratulations
on everything.
Copy !req
1566. Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, it's been crazy, man.
Copy !req
1567. Cool. So, um, yeah,
what have you been doing?
Copy !req
1568. Louis was like,
"No, I need to see options."
Copy !req
1569. And then he started sending me
Airbnb options.
Copy !req
1570. - Am I boring you?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1571. And I'm like,
"No, we deserve this..."
Copy !req
1572. Bobby.
Copy !req
1573. - What do you want?
- I want you.
Copy !req
1574. What's up?
Copy !req
1575. Um, where do we stand on this?
Copy !req
1576. Where do we stand on what?
Copy !req
1577. - "Momogany."
- Oh.
Copy !req
1578. On "momogany"?
Copy !req
1579. Are we open? What are we into?
What are we doing? Like...
Copy !req
1580. Oh, this is just like
When Harry Met Sally.
Copy !req
1581. What do you mean?
Copy !req
1582. It's that classic scene
where Billy Crystal
Copy !req
1583. runs to Meg Ryan
on New Year's Eve and asks her
Copy !req
1584. if she wants to have
an open relationship.
Copy !req
1585. - Well, but...
- I mean,
Copy !req
1586. I'm not, like,
into monogamy, you know.
Copy !req
1587. But I don't think
we should be, like,
Copy !req
1588. constantly fucking other people.
Copy !req
1589. No.
Copy !req
1590. Why do you ask?
Copy !req
1591. Oh, you want to fuck
your little hockey friend.
Copy !req
1592. No, I want to fuck you.
Copy !req
1593. - Oh, that's nice.
- But maybe he's there, too.
Copy !req
1594. He's very hot.
Copy !req
1595. - Hi, Joshua.
- Hey. -Hey.
Copy !req
1596. Hi.
Copy !req
1597. I'm Steve.
Copy !req
1598. - Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Steve.
Copy !req
1599. Hi, Steve.
Copy !req
1600. Hi, Steve.
Copy !req
1601. Hey.
Copy !req
1602. - Mmm.
Copy !req
1603. - Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
1604. Hey.
Copy !req
1605. Pillow fight!
Copy !req
1606. Can I have a massage?
Copy !req
1607. - Me?
Copy !req
1608. Sure.
Copy !req
1609. I got really tight hamstrings.
Copy !req
1610. - Cool.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1611. Right there.
Copy !req
1612. Ignore me. I think I left
my scarf in here. I can...
Copy !req
1613. - Henry! Get out!
Copy !req
1614. Bobby Leiber!
Copy !req
1615. You made some friends.
Copy !req
1616. - Hi, Henry.
- Hey, Steve.
Copy !req
1617. Oh, sure.
Copy !req
1618. I am so hungover.
Copy !req
1619. - Mm.
Copy !req
1620. - Thank you.
Copy !req
1621. So, I may have been wrong about
Copy !req
1622. the whole hooking up
with other people thing.
Copy !req
1623. Okay.
Copy !req
1624. I don't know. I just...
Copy !req
1625. I want to be cool
and free, and, you know,
Copy !req
1626. I don't want to be lame,
but actually seeing you—
Copy !req
1627. I don't know. It just...
Copy !req
1628. It wasn't working for me.
Copy !req
1629. Yeah, no, totally. I-I get it.
Copy !req
1630. You sure?
Copy !req
1631. Yeah.
Copy !req
1632. Okay.
Copy !req
1633. Thank you.
Copy !req
1634. Oh. Sorry, my mom
will not stop texting me.
Copy !req
1635. When do your folks
get here again?
Copy !req
1636. The 21st.
Copy !req
1637. She wants to do the whole
Copy !req
1638. "magical Christmas
in New York" thing.
Copy !req
1639. They love sightseeing.
Copy !req
1640. I have no idea
what to do with them.
Copy !req
1641. Well, if you need me,
I'll be home
Copy !req
1642. hate-watching
Hallheart Christmas movies.
Copy !req
1643. Hey.
Copy !req
1644. Do you maybe want to spend
Christmas with me and my folks?
Copy !req
1645. Really?
Copy !req
1646. Because, honestly,
I am totally fine alone.
Copy !req
1647. That is very sweet
of you, though.
Copy !req
1648. No, you shouldn't be alone.
That's crazy.
Copy !req
1649. Okay.
Copy !req
1650. Yeah, that'll be fun.
Copy !req
1651. And, honestly, no one knows
New York City better than me.
Copy !req
1652. I will plan the ultimate
New York City Christmas,
Copy !req
1653. as only
a New York City Jew could.
Copy !req
1654. Amazing.
Copy !req
1655. But just keep in mind, you know,
Copy !req
1656. they're, like, quiet folks
from a small town.
Copy !req
1657. Aaron, I understand.
Copy !req
1658. You and I come from
different worlds.
Copy !req
1659. I'm from New York City.
You're from Upstate New York.
Copy !req
1660. I mean,
they're sweet, but just...
Copy !req
1661. If you could just
be, like, chill.
Copy !req
1662. I promise I won't embarrass you.
Copy !req
1663. And, Mrs. Shepard, these are
the first holiday windows
Copy !req
1664. to ever feature
a sex-positive Tiny Tim.
Copy !req
1665. And it's so important.
Copy !req
1666. We don't get queer characters
Copy !req
1667. in the stories
that we read as kids.
Copy !req
1668. There's no gay Cinderella.
Copy !req
1669. There's no lesbian Rapunzel.
Copy !req
1670. There's no nonbinary
Ebenezer Scrooge.
Copy !req
1671. Uh, Bobby, I think they get it.
Copy !req
1672. Guys, we've got to go.
Copy !req
1673. I told Josh Evans
we would meet him
Copy !req
1674. at the Hallheart Christmas
movie pop-up village.
Copy !req
1675. We're seeing Josh Evans?
Copy !req
1676. I didn't know.
Copy !req
1677. Let's do it.
Copy !req
1678. Are you a Hallheart fan?
Copy !req
1679. I dabble.
Copy !req
1680. This is so beautiful.
Copy !req
1681. I know. I love it.
Copy !req
1682. There's Josh.
Copy !req
1683. Wearing shorts in winter,
like a total psychopath.
Copy !req
1684. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
1685. They have
Rachael Ray edible tinsel!
Copy !req
1686. - Josh! Evans!
- Hey, fellas.
Copy !req
1687. - How's Hallheart Village
treating ya? -Hey.
Copy !req
1688. Did you see the gay movie
that they did?
Copy !req
1689. It was kind of dope.
Copy !req
1690. Yeah, for years they ignored us,
Copy !req
1691. then their audience got
10% less homophobic,
Copy !req
1692. so they decided
we're a new demographic
Copy !req
1693. they can sell shit to.
I mean, look at these movies.
Copy !req
1694. Have Yourself A Heteronormative
Little Christmas.
Copy !req
1695. Miracle on 34th Street
but with One Gay Guy.
Copy !req
1696. Home Alone
but with Sarah Paulson.
Copy !req
1697. - I mean, it's absurd.
- Josh.
Copy !req
1698. - Hey.
- Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1699. Come get skates.
Copy !req
1700. I want to see you and Aaron
Copy !req
1701. - back out on the ice for
old times' sake. -
Copy !req
1702. Yeah.
Copy !req
1703. Bobby, Josh and Aaron
Copy !req
1704. played hockey together
in high school.
Copy !req
1705. - Oh, I know.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1706. - Come on.
- Hey, man, what's going on?
Copy !req
1707. - Dude, what is your problem?
- What?
Copy !req
1708. Could you just, like,
maybe tone it down a notch?
Copy !req
1709. I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Copy !req
1710. We've been with my parents
for two hours,
Copy !req
1711. and you've already talked
about transgender mannequins,
Copy !req
1712. HIV prevention,
Copy !req
1713. and you pointed out the route
to the 1976 Dyke March.
Copy !req
1714. They're having fun.
They're totally fine.
Copy !req
1715. What is your problem?
Copy !req
1716. I'm nervous, okay?
Copy !req
1717. I've never
introduced them to anybody.
Copy !req
1718. I just don't want them
to get weirded out.
Copy !req
1719. I want them to have, like,
a chill, normal time.
Copy !req
1720. So now I'm not normal?
Copy !req
1721. Bobby, you know what I mean.
Copy !req
1722. I'm just being myself.
Copy !req
1723. Okay, but maybe
you could just be, like,
Copy !req
1724. a little less yourself
for like three hours.
Copy !req
1725. I want them to like you.
Copy !req
1726. Oh. Yeah.
Copy !req
1727. No, sure. Of course.
Copy !req
1728. Yeah, I'll just...
Copy !req
1729. I'll just be quiet.
Copy !req
1730. Okay, thank you.
Copy !req
1731. Bobby! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1732. Hi!
Copy !req
1733. - Hi!
- Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1734. We have to go anyway.
We have a dinner reservation.
Copy !req
1735. Where's dinner again?
Copy !req
1736. Hey, Dad,
how are the Polar Bears doing?
Copy !req
1737. That's the team
Josh and I used to play on.
Copy !req
1738. They haven't won all year.
Copy !req
1739. I told Josh they need you boys
to come back.
Copy !req
1740. Bobby, you seem quiet tonight.
Copy !req
1741. Is everything all right?
Copy !req
1742. Oh, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1743. I'm actually—
You know, I'm sorry
Copy !req
1744. if I spoke too much today.
Copy !req
1745. I just— I think I got nervous.
Copy !req
1746. This is actually more like
how I usually am.
Copy !req
1747. I'm very quiet.
Copy !req
1748. Very quiet and just,
like, weirdly normal.
Copy !req
1749. - Well, thanks again
Copy !req
1750. for planning such a lovely day.
Copy !req
1751. Oh, you're so welcome,
Mrs. Shepard.
Copy !req
1752. Oh, you sound like
one of my students.
Copy !req
1753. Call me Anne.
Copy !req
1754. Okay, I will.
Copy !req
1755. Uh, Mom's been
a second grade teacher
Copy !req
1756. for almost 40 years now.
Copy !req
1757. Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Copy !req
1758. We need good teachers,
now more than ever.
Copy !req
1759. Thank you. I agree.
Copy !req
1760. And Aaron says you're working
at an American history museum.
Copy !req
1761. Yes. Yes, it is.
Copy !req
1762. It's an American history museum.
Copy !req
1763. Hmm.
Copy !req
1764. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1765. Well, it's actually
an LGBTQ history museum.
Copy !req
1766. It's the first major queer
history museum in America.
Copy !req
1767. Do you teach your students
any gay history?
Copy !req
1768. 'Cause I know in a few states
Copy !req
1769. they're finally starting
to do it.
Copy !req
1770. Well, I teach
second grade, so no.
Copy !req
1771. Oh, right.
Copy !req
1772. No, I understand. Yeah.
Copy !req
1773. Out of curiosity, why not?
Copy !req
1774. Well, I just think
Copy !req
1775. they're a little young for that.
Copy !req
1776. Oh, of course. Yeah.
Copy !req
1777. No, I understand that.
Copy !req
1778. I don't think so, though.
Copy !req
1779. - Ah, Bobby.
- No, no, no, I'm just saying.
Copy !req
1780. If I may disagree respectfully.
Copy !req
1781. That's actually the best time
Copy !req
1782. to teach them,
when they're young.
Copy !req
1783. You know, that way
they develop an appreciation
Copy !req
1784. for queer people before they
all start bullying each other
Copy !req
1785. or hating themselves
if they're gay.
Copy !req
1786. Maybe you're right.
Copy !req
1787. Oh.
Copy !req
1788. Feels a little young, though.
Copy !req
1789. Hmm. Right.
Copy !req
1790. Totally. I get it.
Copy !req
1791. - I will drop it.
—Yeah.
Copy !req
1792. - Agree to disagree.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1793. - Cheers to that.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1794. Hey, so, uh, when are
you guys heading home...
Copy !req
1795. It's not really
that young, though.
Copy !req
1796. It's not that young.
Copy !req
1797. Bobby, can you please drop it?
Copy !req
1798. No, I can't, because we're
talking about gay kids here,
Copy !req
1799. and it's important.
Copy !req
1800. One of the things
that saved me is that
Copy !req
1801. my parents exposed me to
gay stories when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1802. When I was 12 years old—
this is true—
Copy !req
1803. my parents took me
to see a Broadway play
Copy !req
1804. called Love and Compassion.
Copy !req
1805. It was about a group of gay men
Copy !req
1806. spending the summer together
in Provincetown.
Copy !req
1807. And all of a sudden,
the curtain goes up,
Copy !req
1808. and there are seven completely
naked gay men onstage.
Copy !req
1809. And there I am,
sitting between my mom and dad
Copy !req
1810. at age 12,
looking at seven soft penises.
Copy !req
1811. - Shit.
- And all of a sudden,
Copy !req
1812. two of the guys
start making out,
Copy !req
1813. and then one of them starts,
like, talking dirty, you know?
Copy !req
1814. And I remember this so vividly.
Copy !req
1815. There was a sex scene,
and one of the guys is like,
Copy !req
1816. "Pound my prostate.
Pound my prostate."
Copy !req
1817. You know, "Milk me. Milk me."
Copy !req
1818. And I didn't even know
what that was.
Copy !req
1819. I mean, now I do.
Copy !req
1820. But, you know,
it was incredible.
Copy !req
1821. You know, to know
that I could sit there,
Copy !req
1822. between my mom and dad,
looking at seven penises.
Copy !req
1823. Seven penises, Anne.
Copy !req
1824. I was 12.
Copy !req
1825. And to know that they were
okay with that, I mean,
Copy !req
1826. that had a profound effect
on me.
Copy !req
1827. All I'm saying is,
we need to remove the stigma
Copy !req
1828. from that type of thing
so that gay kids
Copy !req
1829. can feel good about themselves.
That's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
1830. I mean, look at Aaron
and how much he hates his life.
Copy !req
1831. - Bobby.
- No, all I'm saying is there's
Copy !req
1832. a direct correlation between
how unhappy you are
Copy !req
1833. with your life
and what you weren't taught
Copy !req
1834. about your potential as a child.
Copy !req
1835. Bobby, stop talking.
Copy !req
1836. - Wh...
- Seriously, enough.
Copy !req
1837. I will kill you.
Copy !req
1838. Aaron, you hate your life?
Copy !req
1839. Your brother's
a real chatterbox.
Copy !req
1840. Hey, are you mad?
Copy !req
1841. Me? No, I'm great.
Copy !req
1842. Josh just texted me.
Copy !req
1843. I'm gonna meet him at that bar.
Copy !req
1844. I think we should go home
and talk about this.
Copy !req
1845. Oh, really?
You want to talk more?
Copy !req
1846. Well, I think it's better than
going to party with Josh,
Copy !req
1847. the self-loathing meathead
who took 40 years to come out.
Copy !req
1848. Yeah, well,
not everybody's you, Bobby.
Copy !req
1849. Okay, but 40 years?
Copy !req
1850. J.R.R. Tolkien took less time
with his journey.
Copy !req
1851. God, you are fucking relentless.
Copy !req
1852. "Aaron hates his life"?
Copy !req
1853. God.
Copy !req
1854. Hey.
Copy !req
1855. Hey!
Copy !req
1856. Fuck!
Copy !req
1857. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Copy !req
1858. Good man.
Copy !req
1859. Ah, dude. No.
Copy !req
1860. Hey, just kiss me.
Copy !req
1861. Aaron.
Copy !req
1862. Oh, hey, Bob.
Copy !req
1863. Uh, shit, Bobby,
we were just playing around.
Copy !req
1864. - It's-it's...
- You were just playing around?
Copy !req
1865. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Copy !req
1866. - Bobby, Bobby.
- Josh, leave. -I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1867. Get the fuck out of here!
Copy !req
1868. - Bobby, calm down.
- Oh, my God, I knew it.
Copy !req
1869. I fucking knew it.
Copy !req
1870. Just say it.
Copy !req
1871. Can you please just say it?
Copy !req
1872. Finally, just fucking say it,
because I already know.
Copy !req
1873. - You're not attracted to me.
- What?
Copy !req
1874. I see the guys you look at,
at the gym and the club.
Copy !req
1875. Everywhere! Everywhere we go!
Copy !req
1876. - Okay, Bobby...
- Go be with him
Copy !req
1877. if that's what you want,
but I will not let you
Copy !req
1878. - drag me into this any further.
- It's not...
Copy !req
1879. And I will not let you
break my heart.
Copy !req
1880. I am too smart for that!
Copy !req
1881. Bobby, why did you say
that shit about me
Copy !req
1882. in front of my parents?
Copy !req
1883. I begged you
not to embarrass me,
Copy !req
1884. but you couldn't help yourself.
Copy !req
1885. What is wrong with you?
Copy !req
1886. What is wrong with me?
Copy !req
1887. "Tone it down, Bobby."
Copy !req
1888. "Be quiet, Bobby."
Copy !req
1889. "Can't you be
a little bit less of yourself,
Copy !req
1890. just for a few hours?"
Copy !req
1891. You don't think
I know what that means?
Copy !req
1892. You don't think I know
what that's code for?
Copy !req
1893. You don't think
I've been hearing that
Copy !req
1894. my whole fucking life?
Copy !req
1895. That's what you think about me?
Copy !req
1896. I'm not apologizing for myself.
I will leave that to you.
Copy !req
1897. Hey, question for you
because you know everyone.
Copy !req
1898. I need a makeover.
Copy !req
1899. Ooh, yeah.
Let's go to a spa weekend.
Copy !req
1900. No, I want steroids or, like,
Copy !req
1901. testosterone or HGH
or something.
Copy !req
1902. I keep working out,
but I don't get bigger.
Copy !req
1903. I want to look like
a fucking action star.
Copy !req
1904. Forget Provincetown.
I want people to think
Copy !req
1905. I have a summer share
on Jumanji.
Copy !req
1906. I'm sick of being niche.
I want to be Thor.
Copy !req
1907. Bobby, you know that steroids
Copy !req
1908. don't make you big
on their own, right?
Copy !req
1909. Like, you still have to work out
Copy !req
1910. - and you can't miss the window.
- I know!
Copy !req
1911. Let's fucking go.
Copy !req
1912. Ow.
Copy !req
1913. No.
Copy !req
1914. - Fuck!
Copy !req
1915. No! What are you doing?
Copy !req
1916. - Stop that!
- Bobby! Bobby!
Copy !req
1917. - The Lincoln exhibit
is canceled. -Why?
Copy !req
1918. People are threatening
a boycott.
Copy !req
1919. They're pulling their donations.
Copy !req
1920. There's just not enough proof.
Copy !req
1921. Okay.
Copy !req
1922. You want to put Lincoln
back in the closet? Fine!
Copy !req
1923. - I'll put him back
in the closet! -Bobby.
Copy !req
1924. - I'll put him back in
the fucking closet! -Bobby.
Copy !req
1925. Here!
Copy !req
1926. There you go!
Copy !req
1927. Lincoln is back in the closet
where you all need him to be!
Copy !req
1928. I'm on steroids!
Copy !req
1929. Okay, Bobby, just calm down.
Copy !req
1930. So, Angela and I have proposed
Copy !req
1931. that the final exhibit
be called "Post-Gay."
Copy !req
1932. Post-Gay?
Copy !req
1933. Yes, because
just being gay is old news.
Copy !req
1934. Okay, so,
now I'm too gay for Aaron,
Copy !req
1935. but I'm too straight for you?
Copy !req
1936. Will somebody please tell me
Copy !req
1937. exactly how gay
I'm supposed to be?
Copy !req
1938. Poor Abraham Lincoln
can't even be gay now?
Copy !req
1939. Because he wasn't gay, Bobby.
Copy !req
1940. - He was bi, and I have...
- Okay, enough!
Copy !req
1941. You want to get rid
of our stories? Fine!
Copy !req
1942. Let's get rid of them!
Copy !req
1943. I have roid rage!
Copy !req
1944. - Are you insane?
Copy !req
1945. - Bobby...
- Yeah, bye-bye, Buttigieg!
Copy !req
1946. - Stop it, Bobby.
- No!
Copy !req
1947. - Bobby!
- Give— No!
Copy !req
1948. Give it to me!
Copy !req
1949. - Put the flag down!
- No! Give it to me!
Copy !req
1950. - Give it to...
Copy !req
1951. Angela and the lesbians,
hold him down.
Copy !req
1952. - No!
Copy !req
1953. - You're on steroids?
- You can't tell.
Copy !req
1954. You know what?
I don't need this shit.
Copy !req
1955. Me neither.
Copy !req
1956. Lesbians, disperse!
Copy !req
1957. I hate the museum,
Copy !req
1958. but most of all, I really
fucking hate storytelling.
Copy !req
1959. She doesn't like
telling stories.
Copy !req
1960. Maybe the final wing should be
Copy !req
1961. a big empty room
where people can go
Copy !req
1962. to just shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1963. Okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
1964. Leave! All of you!
Copy !req
1965. Oh, shit, my window.
Copy !req
1966. My workout window!
Copy !req
1967. Hey, bro.
Copy !req
1968. - Hey, bro. What's up?
- What's up?
Copy !req
1969. I'm Joel.
Copy !req
1970. I'm... Rob.
Copy !req
1971. Hey, can you help me
with this set, bro?
Copy !req
1972. Yeah, sure, bro. Yeah.
Copy !req
1973. Nice.
Copy !req
1974. - You doing chest?
- Yep.
Copy !req
1975. - Leg day for me, bro.
- Oh, nice.
Copy !req
1976. Got to work on those hammies.
Copy !req
1977. Yeah.
Copy !req
1978. Go put them all on.
Copy !req
1979. Doing a superset today.
Copy !req
1980. - Oh, superset?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1981. Yeah, superset.
Copy !req
1982. Pack it up, bro.
Copy !req
1983. - Lots of plates.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1984. I haven't seen this many plates
Copy !req
1985. since, uh,
the Jewish holidays, bro.
Copy !req
1986. - Nice, nice.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1987. We should hang out
again sometime.
Copy !req
1988. Maybe watch a game?
Copy !req
1989. Yeah, I'd love that.
Copy !req
1990. I'll give you my number.
Copy !req
1991. Holy shit, dude.
What happened to your voice?
Copy !req
1992. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1993. Um, okay, I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1994. But, um—
I know this is very strange,
Copy !req
1995. but when I-I, when I walked
up to you in the gym,
Copy !req
1996. I-I just did this voice,
you know?
Copy !req
1997. Like, you know, like,
Copy !req
1998. "Hey, bro. What's up?"
Copy !req
1999. I-I don't know.
Copy !req
2000. I just was trying it.
Copy !req
2001. Holy shit,
are you a serial killer?
Copy !req
2002. Are you gonna fucking
kill a bro right now?
Copy !req
2003. No, no, no. I'm not killing
a bro. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
2004. No, this is weird.
I'm sorry. I'll go.
Copy !req
2005. Yeah, you need to leave
right now.
Copy !req
2006. But it kind of worked, right?
Copy !req
2007. Like, that's what's weird
about it...
Copy !req
2008. Dude, hurry up, man.
Copy !req
2009. I know, but just the fact
that I was like,
Copy !req
2010. "Hey, bro. What's up?"
Copy !req
2011. Okay, I'm leaving.
Copy !req
2012. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
2013. I'm going through
a very hard time right now.
Copy !req
2014. - I ain't ask for all that.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2015. I'm sorry. I'm going. I'm going.
Copy !req
2016. Can I just ask you
one thing, though?
Copy !req
2017. If I had come up to you
and used my real voice,
Copy !req
2018. would you have been
attracted to me?
Copy !req
2019. Wow.
Copy !req
2020. That is really sad, but...
Copy !req
2021. Yeah, I think so.
Copy !req
2022. Oh.
Copy !req
2023. But not now.
Copy !req
2024. Okay.
Copy !req
2025. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
2026. - Streisand?
- Of course.
Copy !req
2027. I love her.
Copy !req
2028. - She's the best.
- Streisand fucking rules.
Copy !req
2029. This is actually kind of like
Yentl, if you think about it.
Copy !req
2030. - Dude, get the fuck out!
- I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
2031. Later.
Copy !req
2032. Sorry.
Copy !req
2033. And now,
Hallheart proudly presents
Copy !req
2034. our first polyamorous
holiday film,
Copy !req
2035. A Holly, Poly Christmas.
Copy !req
2036. Look, it's snowing.
Copy !req
2037. - It's snowing on
all seven of us. -
Copy !req
2038. Oh, man.
Copy !req
2039. Hey.
Copy !req
2040. Hey.
Copy !req
2041. Can we talk?
Copy !req
2042. Okay.
Copy !req
2043. So, what's up?
Copy !req
2044. Bobby, I am so sorry
I told you not to be yourself.
Copy !req
2045. I know I fucked up,
but this is new for me, too.
Copy !req
2046. And when you blew up in front
of my parents, honestly, it...
Copy !req
2047. it felt like
you were doing it on purpose.
Copy !req
2048. I was.
Copy !req
2049. And I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2050. I shouldn't have handled it
like that. You're right.
Copy !req
2051. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2052. But, Aaron,
Copy !req
2053. that doesn't
change the fact that
Copy !req
2054. you like a certain type of guy.
Copy !req
2055. And that isn't me,
and that's okay.
Copy !req
2056. You're right.
Copy !req
2057. I always pictured myself
with a guy...
Copy !req
2058. - Like Josh.
- Yeah, a guy like Josh.
Copy !req
2059. Yeah, he's hot.
Copy !req
2060. Yes, he's simple,
conventional, basic as hell
Copy !req
2061. and not somebody
that actually makes me happy.
Copy !req
2062. Bobby, you are
so different from me.
Copy !req
2063. You're not afraid
to take up space in the world.
Copy !req
2064. You challenge me.
Copy !req
2065. Which at first,
it freaked me out
Copy !req
2066. because who the fuck wants
to be challenged all the time?
Copy !req
2067. But...
Copy !req
2068. But I love it.
Copy !req
2069. You're what's been missing.
Copy !req
2070. I know I fucked up, but
please give me another chance.
Copy !req
2071. I miss you so much.
Copy !req
2072. I miss you, too.
Copy !req
2073. A lot.
Copy !req
2074. I didn't realize
until after we broke up
Copy !req
2075. there were actually a couple
of months there where I was...
Copy !req
2076. What do they call it?
Copy !req
2077. In a good mood.
Copy !req
2078. But I can't.
Copy !req
2079. My whole life, I have prided
myself on being self-aware
Copy !req
2080. and self-reliant
and self-possessed,
Copy !req
2081. and it didn't matter.
Copy !req
2082. It didn't matter because,
at the end of the day,
Copy !req
2083. I just ended up in the street
Copy !req
2084. looking at you
and looking at Josh
Copy !req
2085. and thinking,
"I'm not enough for him."
Copy !req
2086. I know, and I feel awful,
Copy !req
2087. but do not throw this away
because of one mistake!
Copy !req
2088. Wh-What do you want me to do?
Copy !req
2089. Say you'll give me
another chance.
Copy !req
2090. I can't do that.
Copy !req
2091. Why not?
Copy !req
2092. 'Cause I don't trust you.
Copy !req
2093. I've been alone so long,
who knows?
Copy !req
2094. Maybe that's the only way
I know how to be.
Copy !req
2095. I don't know.
Copy !req
2096. I'm going.
Copy !req
2097. - It's good.
Copy !req
2098. Hey!
Copy !req
2099. If you don't trust me,
that's fine.
Copy !req
2100. But if for some reason,
Copy !req
2101. underneath all that strength
and confidence,
Copy !req
2102. you still don't trust
that you are lovable enough,
Copy !req
2103. I'm living proof...
Copy !req
2104. that you're wrong.
Copy !req
2105. First of all, thank you all
Copy !req
2106. for letting me do this.
Copy !req
2107. I really appreciate it.
Copy !req
2108. Look, I know I've been
Copy !req
2109. a very angry,
judgmental person, obviously.
Copy !req
2110. And sometimes anger can be good.
Copy !req
2111. I know you all know that
because, for years,
Copy !req
2112. it was the fuel we all needed
to keep going.
Copy !req
2113. It wasn't that long ago
that the straight gatekeepers
Copy !req
2114. of the world
didn't allow for all of us
Copy !req
2115. to really succeed in a big way.
Copy !req
2116. Oh, my God. Do you guys
remember straight people?
Copy !req
2117. Yeah, they had a nice run.
Copy !req
2118. Look, Bobby, I'm a Black trans
woman, and I don't need you
Copy !req
2119. to come here
and lecture me about anger.
Copy !req
2120. But I get it.
Copy !req
2121. I am brimming
Copy !req
2122. with anger.
Copy !req
2123. And if I were to let
just an ounce of it out,
Copy !req
2124. I would probably explode
and kill every one of you.
Copy !req
2125. But, Bobby, I want you
to know something.
Copy !req
2126. I hear you.
Copy !req
2127. And I forgive you.
Copy !req
2128. You do?
Copy !req
2129. Yes.
Copy !req
2130. Look, this is the only community
Copy !req
2131. I've ever loved being a part of.
Copy !req
2132. And we fight like crazy,
and we always have, but...
Copy !req
2133. you're my people.
Copy !req
2134. And I am so sorry that I was
so rude and spoke down to you.
Copy !req
2135. I should've shown you
much more respect.
Copy !req
2136. There is truly
no group of people on earth
Copy !req
2137. that I love and respect more.
Copy !req
2138. Well, I am not going to lie.
I am still angry.
Copy !req
2139. But I insist on progress,
not just for our LGBTQ heroes
Copy !req
2140. but for our LGBTQ assholes.
Copy !req
2141. Like you.
Copy !req
2142. Thank you, Robert.
Copy !req
2143. The live of this apology
has like 40K viewers.
Copy !req
2144. You're posting this?
Copy !req
2145. Can you please—
Copy !req
2146. No, okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
2147. No, you should
definitely post this.
Copy !req
2148. Everything should...
everything should be posted,
Copy !req
2149. and thank you
for teaching me that.
Copy !req
2150. Hey. I've decided to quit.
Copy !req
2151. - I just quit, too.
- You did?
Copy !req
2152. I do this Kamala Harris
impression online,
Copy !req
2153. and it's really taken off.
Copy !req
2154. - Oh.
- Yeah, like—
Copy !req
2155. I'm Kamala Harris.
Copy !req
2156. Okay?
Copy !req
2157. Good luck with that.
Copy !req
2158. Yeah, good luck
with whatever you're doing.
Copy !req
2159. - Thank you.
Copy !req
2160. Hey, Bobby, I wanted you to be
the first person to see this.
Copy !req
2161. This is Aaron Shepard's
Chocolate Factory.
Copy !req
2162. I made these little chocolates.
Copy !req
2163. I also made some special treats
Copy !req
2164. to celebrate the opening
of the LGBTQ+ Museum.
Copy !req
2165. These are Harvey Milk Duds.
Copy !req
2166. And instead of a heart-shaped
Valentine's Day box
Copy !req
2167. filled with chocolates,
we have a pink
Copy !req
2168. "silence equals death" triangle
filled with chocolates.
Copy !req
2169. And a tribute to my favorite
gay television character,
Copy !req
2170. this is...
Copy !req
2171. a Tirami-Susan from Friends.
Copy !req
2172. Of course Aaron likes Friends.
Copy !req
2173. Of course, all the profits
go to the museum.
Copy !req
2174. Okay.
Copy !req
2175. Bye.
Copy !req
2176. Dude, thanks for
letting me crash here.
Copy !req
2177. I know Mom pressured you
into inviting me, but...
Copy !req
2178. it's cool of you.
Copy !req
2179. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
2180. - You okay, bro?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Copy !req
2181. I'm a very happy chocolatier.
Copy !req
2182. I mean, there was that guy.
Copy !req
2183. But it's over.
Whatever. I'm fine.
Copy !req
2184. Yeah, totally.
Copy !req
2185. Jesus, how do you decapitate?
Copy !req
2186. Seriously, that's all
you're gonna say?
Copy !req
2187. "How do you decapitate?"
Copy !req
2188. What do you want me to say?
How do you remove their heads?
Copy !req
2189. What about,
"Hey, bro, how are you doing?
Copy !req
2190. How are you holding up?"
Copy !req
2191. I'm sorry, bro.
We don't talk about this shit.
Copy !req
2192. I'm-I'm crashing here because
I'm in the middle of a divorce,
Copy !req
2193. and you haven't asked me
about it once.
Copy !req
2194. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2195. So, how's the divorce?
Copy !req
2196. - I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2197. So...
Copy !req
2198. what happened to you?
Copy !req
2199. Okay, you remember at Christmas
when Mom and Dad came?
Copy !req
2200. I asked Bobby to...
Copy !req
2201. I asked him to tone it down.
Copy !req
2202. I know. I know.
I fucked up. I panicked.
Copy !req
2203. Did you try
Copy !req
2204. - to get him back or...
- Yes.
Copy !req
2205. I mean, Bobby is the best,
Copy !req
2206. but he is
a stubborn son of a bitch.
Copy !req
2207. And do you love
this stubborn little bitch?
Copy !req
2208. Whatever. It's over.
Copy !req
2209. Bobby's strong.
He doesn't need me.
Copy !req
2210. He doesn't need anyone.
Copy !req
2211. Hey, guys.
It's your girl Tamara.
Copy !req
2212. We're opening
the LGBT Museum tonight.
Copy !req
2213. Tonight is our grand opening,
Copy !req
2214. and we're gonna have
a wonderful time!
Copy !req
2215. Yeah!
Copy !req
2216. - What's up?
- What's up?
Copy !req
2217. Hi. I'm Leonardo da Vinci.
Copy !req
2218. I changed the world with my work
Copy !req
2219. as an inventor,
scientist and artist.
Copy !req
2220. But most importantly,
I may have been bi.
Copy !req
2221. Arrivederci.
Copy !req
2222. Congrats. You've made it
to the Obama administration.
Copy !req
2223. But what's that
around the corner?
Copy !req
2224. Okay, seriously,
this place is incredible.
Copy !req
2225. - Are you happy?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
2226. It's weird, you know?
Copy !req
2227. Like, this place was my dream,
then it happened.
Copy !req
2228. Why can't I answer
your question?
Copy !req
2229. - Okay, can I just say
one thing? -Yes.
Copy !req
2230. I know that
what he did was wrong,
Copy !req
2231. but you didn't have to argue
with his parents.
Copy !req
2232. I did, though.
Plus, I apologized.
Copy !req
2233. And he apologized, too.
Copy !req
2234. I just don't know
if I can trust him.
Copy !req
2235. He fucked up. People fuck up.
Copy !req
2236. Is there no part of you
Copy !req
2237. that wants to give him
a second chance?
Copy !req
2238. You know what it is?
Copy !req
2239. I just don't want
to want someone else this much.
Copy !req
2240. But you do.
Copy !req
2241. It doesn't make you look weak
to love someone.
Copy !req
2242. Vulnerability is not
a boner killer.
Copy !req
2243. - I know you.
Copy !req
2244. I know that you've had
a million reasons
Copy !req
2245. to keep your guard up
all these years.
Copy !req
2246. But there are people out there
Copy !req
2247. worth letting
your guard down for.
Copy !req
2248. Were you happier
with him or without him?
Copy !req
2249. That's all that really matters.
Copy !req
2250. Can I tell you something
extremely embarrassing
Copy !req
2251. that I would only tell you?
Copy !req
2252. Yes.
Copy !req
2253. I wrote a song about him.
Copy !req
2254. - I know! That's the only time
Copy !req
2255. I'm ever gonna talk about it.
Copy !req
2256. We're not talking about it.
Copy !req
2257. I didn't send it,
and I'm not sending it.
Copy !req
2258. Okay. Fine.
Copy !req
2259. I've just never seen you
that happy is all.
Copy !req
2260. And I love seeing it.
Copy !req
2261. - Hi, guys.
Copy !req
2262. - Hi, sweetie.
- Ready to go dance?
Copy !req
2263. - Yeah.
- Let's go.
Copy !req
2264. Holy shit. He texted me.
Copy !req
2265. - Bobby texted me!
- Well, what'd he say?
Copy !req
2266. He said, "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2267. "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2268. - Fuck yeah, bro!
- Yeah?
Copy !req
2269. - That's what I'm talking about!
- Yeah? That's good? Yeah!
Copy !req
2270. It's great! "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2271. "Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2272. - No, wait. No, wait, wait.
- What?
Copy !req
2273. Okay, yeah.
Copy !req
2274. I-I'm gonna wait to text him
back, though, you know?
Copy !req
2275. Ah, shit.
I got to get to the gym.
Copy !req
2276. Aaron, what the fuck is up with
you and the CrossFit every day?
Copy !req
2277. Jesus! What are you people
all training for?
Copy !req
2278. You going to war?
Copy !req
2279. Stop playing it so cool.
Copy !req
2280. Just go and tell him
how you feel.
Copy !req
2281. Oh, what about you?
What about divorce?
Copy !req
2282. What about keeping it
young and fun?
Copy !req
2283. Oh, whatever.
Copy !req
2284. Straight people—
we're so set in our ways.
Copy !req
2285. But gay people—
you guys are all so—
Copy !req
2286. you're so smart.
Copy !req
2287. You're gonna figure it out.
Copy !req
2288. My story is not your story.
Copy !req
2289. Go write your own damn story.
Copy !req
2290. - Go! Now!
- Okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
2291. Hey.
Copy !req
2292. "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2293. - "Hey, what's up?" Yeah!
- "Hey, what's up?"
Copy !req
2294. - Bobby?
- Yeah?
Copy !req
2295. - It's time for the toast.
- Okay, great.
Copy !req
2296. Okay.
Copy !req
2297. One of the hardest parts
of putting the museum together
Copy !req
2298. was figuring out what
the final exhibit would be.
Copy !req
2299. The message we'd leave people
with about who we are.
Copy !req
2300. But the truth is
we are not one thing.
Copy !req
2301. We are not a monolithic group.
Copy !req
2302. We are some of the smartest
and most self-reliant people
Copy !req
2303. you will ever meet.
Copy !req
2304. And we are so stupid.
Copy !req
2305. And we are a total mess.
Copy !req
2306. And we are great.
Copy !req
2307. We've been around since the
beginning of time, of course,
Copy !req
2308. and yet it still feels like
we're at the very beginning
Copy !req
2309. of being able to tell
our own stories.
Copy !req
2310. In many ways,
I think we're still
Copy !req
2311. getting to know
each other, really.
Copy !req
2312. Now, I'm just
a boring old cis white gay,
Copy !req
2313. - but...
Copy !req
2314. one thing I have learned from
Copy !req
2315. my trans and bi
and nonbinary family is that
Copy !req
2316. happiness for all of us
comes from staying fluid,
Copy !req
2317. staying open to change.
Copy !req
2318. Open to being more than
just who you thought you were
Copy !req
2319. or more than what other people
assume you are.
Copy !req
2320. So this is a toast to all of us.
Copy !req
2321. We've come a long way.
Copy !req
2322. And there are a lot of people
Copy !req
2323. who deserved to live
long enough to be here tonight.
Copy !req
2324. And we are here,
and they are not.
Copy !req
2325. And we are very lucky.
Copy !req
2326. We are very lucky.
Copy !req
2327. I have no complaints.
Copy !req
2328. Hey.
Copy !req
2329. Hey.
Copy !req
2330. Um...
Copy !req
2331. Sorry, um— Just, um—
Copy !req
2332. One more thing. Sorry, hold on.
Copy !req
2333. I'm gonna do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Copy !req
2334. Hi.
Copy !req
2335. So, um,
Copy !req
2336. this is a little special
something I wrote for tonight,
Copy !req
2337. and I didn't think
I would actually have
Copy !req
2338. a reason to sing it.
Copy !req
2339. And I haven't sung in front of
people in a very long time,
Copy !req
2340. so forgive me.
Copy !req
2341. But, um, tonight is about love,
Copy !req
2342. and we've seen
a lot of tortured gay cowboys
Copy !req
2343. played by a lot of
straight actors over the years.
Copy !req
2344. So, this is a love song
from one gay cowboy to another,
Copy !req
2345. inspired by everyone's favorite
LGBTQ+ icon,
Copy !req
2346. Garth Brooks.
Copy !req
2347. - Bobby, I just have to
tell you... -In all my years,
Copy !req
2348. I never thought I'd say this,
Copy !req
2349. but, Debra Messing,
it'll have to wait.
Copy !req
2350. What's wrong?
Copy !req
2351. I just really love you.
Copy !req
2352. I love you, too.
Copy !req
2353. You like love, bro?
Copy !req
2354. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
2355. - Wait.
- Wha...
Copy !req
2356. - Oh.
Copy !req
2357. - Oh, what are you...
- Just let me do this.
Copy !req
2358. - Uh...
- Um...
Copy !req
2359. Oh, shit. I need a ring.
Copy !req
2360. - Uh, Bob-Bobby...
- Tamara, can I borrow your ring?
Copy !req
2361. - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
2362. - Bobby, I...
- Aaron Shepard,
Copy !req
2363. I know we're not
relationship people...
Copy !req
2364. but will you date me
for three months,
Copy !req
2365. and then we'll reassess?
Copy !req
2366. Yes, Bobby Leiber, I will
date you for three months,
Copy !req
2367. and then we can reassess.
Copy !req
2368. Mommy, what's happening?
Copy !req
2369. It's a miracle.
Copy !req
2370. Uncle Bobby's gonna
date someone for three months.
Copy !req
2371. Hey, queers!
Copy !req
2372. I'm the museum guard here.
Copy !req
2373. Just gonna do some dusting.
Copy !req
2374. Hello.
What are you doing dusting me?
Copy !req
2375. I'm lesbian first lady
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Copy !req
2376. Hi. I'm Seth Meyers
as Harvey Milk.
Copy !req
2377. - Hello.
Copy !req
2378. I'm Kenan Thompson
as James Baldwin.
Copy !req
2379. It's a Night at the Gay Museum.
Copy !req
2380. Come here.
Copy !req
2381. - Aaron?
- Mom.
Copy !req
2382. Mm.
Copy !req
2383. - Bobby.
- Hi.
Copy !req
2384. Ah, Bobby, this is spectacular.
Copy !req
2385. - Thank you.
- And the kids are loving it.
Copy !req
2386. I'm so glad you're here.
It means so much to me
Copy !req
2387. that you would make it
part of your trip.
Copy !req
2388. - It really does.
- You were right.
Copy !req
2389. Of course they should see this.
Copy !req
2390. It's their history, too.
Copy !req
2391. Congrats.
Copy !req
2392. You're a four
on the Kinsey Scale.
Copy !req
2393. You're a bisexual.
Copy !req
2394. Well.
Copy !req
2395. - Bye!
- Bye!
Copy !req
2396. Thanks for teaching me
about Liberace!
Copy !req
2397. - Anytime!
Copy !req
2398. You know, we just hit
three months.
Copy !req
2399. How do you think it's going?
Copy !req
2400. I think it's going pretty well.
Copy !req
2401. How do you think it's going?
Copy !req
2402. I think it's going
pretty well, too.
Copy !req
2403. Oh, good.
Copy !req
2404. - Good job.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2405. - Bye, boys!
- Bye, Mom!
Copy !req
2406. You want kids someday, right?
Copy !req
2407. - No.
- Bobby.
Copy !req
2408. - Absolutely not.
- Oh, Bobby.
Copy !req
2409. No!
Copy !req
2410. - Come on. Bobby.
- No! No!
Copy !req
2411. - Where are you going?
- I'm not having children
Copy !req
2412. - wherever I'm going!
- Oh, come on! I want kids!
Copy !req