Bridesmaids (2011)

1. I'm so... I'm so glad you called.

2. I'm so glad you were free.

3. God, I love your eyes.

4. Okay, now what?

5. Cup my balls.

6. Okay, yes. All right. I can do that.

7. - Oh! There it is. - There we go.

8. That feels good.

9. You know what to do.

10. Okay, you know what? Slow it down, slow it down.

11. Okay. Slow it down.

12. There we go. How's that?

13. That's good, nice and slow. See? Doesn't that feel good?

14. Yeah. No, I want to go fast.

15. You want to go fast? Fast.

16. Yeah. No...

17. Oh, yeah. That feels good.

18. Oh, Yeah.

19. Yeah.

20. Okay. You know what? I think...

21. I think maybe we are on different rhythms here.

22. I was having a nightmare. I was so scared.

23. Good morning.

24. You look beautiful.

25. No, I'm sure I look terrible.

26. I just woke up. Are you kidding?

27. I'm sure I'm a mess.

28. You slept over.

29. I did.

30. I thought we had a rule against that.

31. Oh.

32. I'm kidding. Oh.

33. That was funny. I'm kidding.

34. You're funny in the morning.

35. I like hanging out with you. Oh. Yeah.

36. I love hanging out with you. I think we get along really well

37. and you're so sexy.

38. I know.

39. I just have a lot coming up at work

40. and I don't want to make promises I can't keep.

41. You know what I mean? I know you do.

42. Yeah. We're on the same page.

43. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, either. Let's just say that.

44. Whatever you wanna... I can do...

45. I'd rather just... I like simple... I'm not like other girls.

46. I'm not like, "Be my boyfriend!" Unless you were like, "Yeah!"

47. Then I'd be like, "Maybe."

48. Mmm. But let's not.

49. I don't want that either.

50. Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave,

51. but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

52. Come on! Hands behind your heads! Let's go! Sit-ups!

53. You're looking like pieces of bacon on a plate.

54. It's disgusting! I smell the fat!

55. He scares me. Me, too.

56. But he's an excellent motivator.

57. That's true.

58. What are you looking at?

59. Oh, Shit, he sees us. Oh, God.

60. Hey! Hey!

61. If you want to take this class,

62. you're going to have to pay for it

63. like the rest of these bitches!

64. What, are you dancing? In the park... Dance class?

65. You are not dancing. You are not dancing in the park!

66. Go, go, go, go! - Freeloaders!

67. I'm coming over there.

68. Is he coming? - I'm coming after you!

69. Sorry, Rodney. We're on a budget.

70. Oh, come on! It's only 12 bucks!

71. Oh, my God!

72. Come on! You fucking freeloaders.

73. We are out of our minds. I know.

74. That's okay. I'm so glad that we got to do this.

75. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

76. Mmm. I've been in Chicago a lot.

77. I know. Sleeping at Dougie's house.

78. Well, it's just closer to work.

79. How is it going with him anyway?

80. I don't know. I mean, it's fine,

81. but I just feel like he's been distant lately.

82. And I don't know...

83. He calls me "dude" a lot.

84. That doesn't mean anything.

85. I think everything is fine.

86. I don't know. Anyway,

87. what did you do last night?

88. Umm...

89. What did you do last night?

90. You are not telling me something.

91. I hung out with Ted for a little bit.

92. I knew it! We had fun.

93. It was fun. Here's what I don't like about it.

94. You hate yourself after you see him, every time.

95. And then we go through this, and then you feel like shit,

96. and it's almost like you're doing it

97. because you feel bad about yourself.

98. He called me late, and we hung out.

99. It wasn't a big deal. And you know what? It was fun.

100. Ew! You had sex with him.

101. We had an adult sleepover.

102. Ooh. Did you let him sleep over in your mouth?

103. Annie! I'm sorry!

104. You're unbelievable. He kept putting it near my face.

105. They do that, don't they?

106. Why do they do that? Let us offer.

107. If we don't offer...

108. Please. You're supposed to slap it away.

109. I couldn't.

110. You don't want to look right at it.

111. No.

112. It's too aggressive. It's like...

113. "Hello."

114. That's my impression.

115. Those are the balls?

116. Yeah. I'm trying to make it round,

117. but I can't because I have elbows.

118. He is so hot, though.

119. Look, I know you say he's cute and all that stuff,

120. but it makes you feel like shit, you know?

121. You're a total catch, and any guy

122. would be psyched to be your man.

123. You should just make room

124. for somebody who is nice to you.

125. You know what? He's honest!

126. He told me that we are what we are

127. and we're just having fun. And I like that.

128. He also told you that you need dental work. He's an asshole.

129. I don't need dental work.

130. You're right.

131. There is nothing wrong with my teeth.

132. You are so beautiful.

133. Will you marry me? Yes.

134. I love you.

135. I don't want to go to work today. Mmm-mmm.

136. Let's see how many times Terry's called me.

137. Oh! Only 15!

138. You know what, Terry? I don't want

139. to pick up your monkey lamps. Sorry!

140. Monkey lamps?

141. Ugh. I cannot wait to never work for a psychopath again.

142. Oh! Annie!

143. I'm sorry. I should have gone down Mason.

144. Well, I'm the genius that opened a bakery during the recession.

145. They were good cakes, Annie.

146. Thank you.

147. Come on. Look away, look away, look away.

148. Do you have any ideas of styles?

149. Oh, I don't know. What do you think, honey?

150. Whatever you want.

151. Look at how you guys are making this decision together.

152. That's sweet. You guys love each other, huh?

153. Yeah. Yeah.

154. Ohh! That's sweet. That will go away.

155. You cannot trust anybody, ever.

156. Especially someone you're in a relationship with.

157. 'Cause they're living with you, you don't

158. know who you're sleeping next to. It is scary.

159. I mean, look at him. He may not even be Asian.

160. It is scary.

161. So did you guys want to look at these engagement rings?

162. We're going to browse. Okay, sure.

163. I'll be here.

164. Thank you.

165. What was that about?

166. Umm, nothing. They had to run. They had to go somewhere.

167. And no wonder. You're selling lifelong happiness.

168. You're not telling everyone about your problems

169. and how your boyfriend left you,

170. and maybe marriage will work out.

171. Show me your "love is eternal" face.

172. No, that's two years, four years tops. That is not eternal.

173. Kahlua, can you come over here for a second, please?

174. What's up, Don-Don?

175. You make up the best nicknames.

176. You don't need a nickname because Kahlua is so delicious.

177. Don't sue me for touching you.

178. Show Annie your "love is eternal" face.

179. That looks like you have menstrual cramps.

180. Thank you so much, Kahlua.

181. Now, why can't you be more like Kahlua?

182. Look, I'm trying really hard.

183. You've just got to try harder.

184. The whole reason you have got this job, Annie,

185. is because your mom is my sponsor in AA, and I'm doing her a favor.

186. I understand.

187. Oscar, get back to work.

188. You shouldn't be behind the counter.

189. Andrew, you are not the father!

190. That's great. Yeah.

191. Stop that. Don't do that.

192. Hey, Brynn.

193. Oh, hey, roomie.

194. Guess what happened to me today. Hmm. What?

195. I got a free tattoo. You did what?

196. I could not believe it. The guy said, "Do you want a tattoo?"

197. Just a random...

198. Yeah, opened up the side of his van. No.

199. He said, "It's for free!" And I said, "Sure."

200. You said yes? Yeah!

201. Yeah. Look. See here?

202. What is it?

203. See that?

204. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Brynn!

205. It's a Mexican drinking worm.

206. It's a Native American symbol meaning "wasted."

207. Okay, Brynn, just so you know, it's...

208. Gil, hi. Hello. How are you?

209. Have you seen your sister's tattoo? It's really infected.

210. Better get a little bit of ice on it.

211. Yeah, a little bit.

212. Stick some frozen peas on there.

213. Yeah. It can't hurt. All right.

214. So, I just wanted a quick word.

215. You know that tomorrow the rent is due.

216. I was getting my check, and I wondered

217. if I could get your check, too?

218. Yes. I'm getting the money.

219. It's been a little slow.

220. You have to keep it in the bag and put the bag on it.

221. So, the check?

222. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

223. Because it's a kind of, like, "needing it today"-type situation.

224. It's coming.

225. - Who is it? - Me!

226. Who is it?

227. Oh, my God. Hurry up, your creepy neighbor asked me

228. if I wanted to watch the news again.

229. Sorry. He is so gross.

230. Please, come on in. Let me take your magazines.

231. Welcome to the magazine and wine party. Ooh!

232. Have a seat.

233. I'm very happy that you are here.

234. What? Because I want to eat an apple.

235. Would you like some apple?

236. What is that? I got engaged.

237. What? He asked me last night.

238. What? I know!

239. That's why he's been acting so weird

240. 'cause he's a terrible liar, and he thought he was gonna blow it.

241. He was ignoring me and I thought

242. he was going to break up with me.

243. Oh, my gosh.

244. Oh, my gosh!

245. I know!

246. Lil!

247. I'm shocked, still.

248. But I'm happy. Can you believe this?

249. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I just got hot.

250. You did? Are you okay?

251. Yes. My pits are sweating.

252. My stomach hurts. I'm hot. What does that mean?

253. Oh, my God! What is happening?

254. I don't know. I'm wearing a ring.

255. I can't believe it.

256. Lil, you're getting married.

257. I'm getting married.

258. And you'll be my maid of honor.

259. God, of course I will!

260. It will be super fun. It's gonna be really fun.

261. Yeah. You know, we can plan everything together.

262. My God! Planning your wedding...

263. Are you sure you're up for it?

264. I know it's a lot to ask and to put on your plate.

265. And you're going through a tricky time, and you're super-busy...

266. Stop. It's a lot to ask.

267. Stop. Okay.

268. It's fine. And I'm more than happy to do it, and it's not too much.

269. Oh! Look at that. It's my fiancé calling.

270. Oh, your fiancé.

271. Hi, baby, what's up?

272. It's Annie. I just told her! Yeah, she's so happy.

273. No, I'm not!

274. "Yay," she said.

275. What, baby?

276. I know, I miss you, too.

277. Yeah, I'll meet you in an hour.

278. I love you, too.

279. Wow.

280. Wynonna Judd.

281. That's really good.

282. Painting those giant bangs was a royal pain in my can.

283. And those teeth! I should have painted her mouth shut.

284. Can you just get dressed? We're gonna be late for the engagement party.

285. Oh, I forgot to tell you, honey. What?

286. Forgot to tell you. What?

287. I signed up to speak at AA tonight, and I just have to.

288. Mom! No.

289. I forgot. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

290. I keep telling you, you're not supposed to go to those things.

291. You're not an alcoholic.

292. Only because I've never had a drink.

293. What? They are inspiring.

294. There is this one story I've just got to tell you. Sit down.

295. Okay.

296. This gentleman

297. who started blow-jobbing to get crack. His name is Marvin Johnson...

298. Mom, anonymous. You keep... It's no names. Okay, okay.

299. Forget it. Marvin J. Whatever.

300. Too late. Well, he became a gay prostitute.

301. And he realized that he had hit his bottom.

302. And I have been thinking, honey,

303. that maybe this is your bottom.

304. I'm telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing.

305. Because there's nowhere to go but up.

306. Right? Yep. That's what you say.

307. Yeah, a positive message. Yeah.

308. Yeah. Thanks for the pep talk, Mom.

309. Honey. Anytime, anytime.

310. All right. I guess I'm going to Lillian's party by myself, then.

311. Don't talk to me about being by yourself.

312. I go everywhere by myself.

313. Thanks to that new whore, Barb.

314. Mom, come on. No, I don't like to say it.

315. They've been married 12 years.

316. Okay. But she's still a whore.

317. I'm sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.

318. I don't want to think about that.

319. I bet she got that car by giving your dad something sexually.

320. 'Cause there was one thing I would never do,

321. and I'm sure Barb is a champion at it.

322. I don't want to know.

323. It's called a "chicken coop." Of course it is.

324. You start at the back and you peck your way

325. to the front like you have a beak.

326. And then you end up with two eggs in your mouth.

327. That's gross.

328. Well, I'm sure your dad likes it.

329. Of course, he grew up on a farm.

330. Okay.

331. You sure you don't want to move in with me?

332. Mom, thanks, but no way.

333. No way in hell. Yeah?

334. No, thanks.

335. Think about it. Okay.

336. You don't need your own place.

337. Yeah, I kind of do. Okay.

338. All right, I'm going to go. All right.

339. Holy shit.

340. Ohh. Valet. Perfect.

341. Sorry. Needs a wash.

342. You have to punch it a few times

343. Annie!

344. Oh, my God!

345. Oh, my God, Lillian. I know.

346. This is your engagement party. Isn't that crazy?

347. It's so beautiful.

348. I can't believe Dougie's boss is a member here.

349. I know, and his parents, too. And Dougie, I guess.

350. Gosh, and me, I guess, too, now.

351. Come on, let's go say hi to the rest of the bridal party!

352. You remember my cousin Rita?

353. Rita. Annie.

354. I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.

355. She has three kids now.

356. Three boys. - They're so cute.

357. They are cute, but when they reach that age,

358. they are disgusting.

359. They smell, they are sticky,

360. they say things that are horrible,

361. and there is semen all over everything, okay?

362. Disgusting.

363. I cracked a blanket in half.

364. Do you get where I'm going with that? I do.

365. I cracked it in half.

366. What?

367. Annie, this is Becca, my friend from work.

368. We are in the trenches together.

369. Hey. It's great to meet you. Hey, how are you?

370. Nice to meet you.

371. This is my husband, Kevin.

372. Hi. "Husband."

373. I like to say it. We are newlyweds.

374. Wow. Congratulations.

375. Thank you so much.

376. We went on a sweetheart honeymoon. Oh.

377. Where did you guys go?

378. Disney World. Disney World.

379. We finish each other's sentences. Sorry.

380. Sorry. Is this your husband?

381. No, no, no, no, no.

382. I don't know him. I'm sorry.

383. Do you want to go for a walk later?

384. Oh. I can't.

385. All right. I can't. I'm sorry.

386. I'm so sorry.

387. I'm not with anybody. I'm here solo.

388. Let's start it again. I'm Becca. Rewind.

389. This is my husband. You don't have a husband.

390. Sorry.

391. And this is Dougie's sister, Megan.

392. Hey. - Hi.

393. My grandma is not supposed to have wine. I'll be right back.

394. Hey. Hey. How is it going?

395. It's going great. It's going great. I'm on the mend.

396. I just got some pins in my legs.

397. Believe it or not, pins in my legs, I can still do this. Right?

398. I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back.

399. Oh, shit. Yeah, "Oh, shit."

400. Yeah, "Oh, shit."

401. Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down.

402. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit.

403. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived.

404. I met a dolphin down there.

405. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me,

406. but into my soul.

407. Into my goddamn soul, Annie.

408. And he said, "I'm saving you, Megan."

409. Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically.

410. We had a connection that I don't even know if I can... Jesus.

411. Hey, shut my mouth. Look at... Unbelievable.

412. You must be Annie's fella.

413. I'm Megan. It's a pleasure.

414. He's not... I'm not... He's not... I'm not with him.

415. Sorry. All right.

416. I'm glad he's single, because I'm going to climb that like a tree.

417. Okay. You have to meet Helen.

418. There she is. Helen.

419. Come here!

420. Helen, this is Annie.

421. Hi! Ohh!

422. There she is. Maid of honor.

423. So lovely to meet Lillian's childhood friend.

424. You are so pretty.

425. You are so cute! You are so sweet.

426. Helen is married to Dougie's boss, Mr. Harris. Perry.

427. Perry. And they are so close now,

428. they are literally joined at the hip.

429. Which is good, because so are we.

430. I know. I'm so glad you guys are finally meeting.

431. I know. Me, too. I know. It's lovely.

432. Well, excuse me, I better go check on the hors d'oeuvres.

433. But it was great to finally meet you.

434. It's a great party.

435. Enjoy. - Bye.

436. Bye. - Bye.

437. She's great, isn't she?

438. She's awesome.

439. And I really look forward to having Doug as part of our family.

440. So much so that you two should get married right now

441. and save me a shitload of money.

442. Dad.

443. Everybody always laughs at that, but I'm not joking.

444. I'm not joking.

445. Anyway, I want to thank all of you for coming.

446. And here's to Doug and my baby girl, Lillian.

447. Cheers! Cheers!

448. I love you, Dad. LILLIAN’S DAD: Enough of me.

449. Let's get the maid of honor up here.

450. All right. Annie?

451. Umm. Hi. I'm Annie Walker.

452. Yay, Annie!

453. I'm not going to go on with a big speech, so I'll just say this.

454. I'm so happy to be a part of this celebration.

455. And you two deserve each other,

456. as well as a lifetime of happiness.

457. Thank you. - Cheers.

458. Love you guys. Cheers.

459. Thanks, Annie. Cheers.

460. Thank you, Annie. That was so sweet. Thank you.

461. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami with the boys?

462. And they were working the entire weekend,

463. and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle.

464. And I shared things with you that I've never shared with anyone.

465. And you made me realize how I can trust people again.

466. So let me just say,

467. Lillian, you are my best friend.

468. And I'm so proud of you.

469. Sorry. And, Dougly...

470. I'm sorry, inside joke.

471. You better not keep my Lil on a leash

472. because I still need my drunken Saturday nights

473. at Rockin' Sushi, okay?

474. Everybody raise your glasses to the couple of the decade,

475. Doug and Lillian.

476. Have a great night. Dessert wine is out.

477. Dessert wine, yummy. Excuse me.

478. Umm...

479. I just wanted to say really quick that

480. you are so special to me, because...

481. Well, one of the reasons is because I've known you my whole entire life.

482. And you've really helped shape who I am.

483. I just want to thank you for carefully selecting me

484. as your maid of honor.

485. I know you had some other choices,

486. but you are like my sister, and I love you.

487. Well, that concludes the speeches for the night.

488. Thank you. One last thing.

489. It's rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with,

490. and that's you, Lil.

491. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry,

492. and there is a beautiful saying that I learned there.

493. It means, "You are a part of me,

494. "a part that I could never live without,

495. "and I hope and I pray that I never have to."

496. And that's it for tonight. Thank you for coming.

497. Really quick, Thank you all for coming.

498. I just wanted to say really quick...

499. Dessert wine is out. Consuelo?

500. Really quick. Speaking of Consuelo,

501. Lillian and I took Spanish together in school.

502. And so, I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here...

503. Thank you.

504. Thank you. I feel so close to you and can trust you.

505. You are my angel and soul mate.

506. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look.

507. Thank you for coming.

508. Here, I'll take that. I'll take that.

509. Yep, I got it.

510. Lillian...

511. Keep smiling, keep shining

512. Knowing you can always count on me

513. For sure

514. That's what friends are for

515. In good times and bad times

516. I'll be on your side forever more

517. That's what friends are for

518. That's what friends are for

519. Man, engagement parties rule.

520. It made me feel awesome,

521. like I can go out and catch another dude to marry.

522. So, what's up with her, anyway? With Helen?

523. What? I'm just like...

524. I don't know. She's in your wedding

525. and you've only known her eight months, though, right?

526. Come on. Get it out, get it all out.

527. I'm just... Like, the whole gown, and the... thing.

528. It's just weird, right? You know what?

529. She's actually really cool, Annie.

530. She's really... She's a good one. I'm telling you.

531. Well, I'm sure if you like her, I will like her.

532. You have to just get to know her.

533. Yeah. Which I think you really should.

534. And... Will you just do me a favor?

535. Would you just hang out with her once,

536. just the two of you. All right?

537. As a favor to me.

538. Okay, I will.

539. I love you, Annie Lou. I love you, too.

540. Bye. Bye.

541. Oh. Hi, I'm Helen.

542. You live in Milwaukee? I'm sorry.

543. Have you met Lillian? She's my best friend.

544. Yeah, I know. We've only known each other for five minutes.

545. Oh! Oh!

546. Oh! Cute.

547. No. No. Come on.

548. See? Okay? I'm not drunk. I told you.

549. So, you are just a terrible sober driver?

550. Ha ha. Very funny. Can I stop walking now?

551. You can stop walking when I tell you to stop walking.

552. Hey, look. If I was drunk,

553. would I be able to do this?

554. Stop it. Stop it. Please, stop.

555. Please, stop. I believe you. You are not drunk.

556. But I'm still gonna have to give you a ticket.

557. What? Why?

558. It's a funny thing about brake lights. You have to have them.

559. I knew it. God, those have been out for a year.

560. I'm so stupid.

561. Look, please.

562. Please, I promise I will get them fixed.

563. This week, I promise. Please. Do you have to give me a ticket?

564. Yes. License and registration, please.

565. Thanks.

566. Look at that, you live on Wynnewood Drive.

567. Yep. We are neighbors.

568. I just live over on Ashley. Ahh.

569. I used to work on Ashley.

570. You did? Where?

571. I had a bakery on the main part of the street there.

572. Oh. Cake Baby.

573. You are Cake Baby! Yeah!

574. Yeah, you had your sign. It was your face.

575. Yeah! That was you?

576. That was me.

577. You made good cakes.

578. Thanks.

579. You used to make these little pastry things,

580. and you'd put something in them, like a cream or a custard...

581. Cream puffs.

582. Cream puffs, that's what you call them. Delicious.

583. I used to get served by this tall, broad guy,

584. with, like, a wormy face.

585. Yeah, that was my boyfriend.

586. Sorry. No, no. It was...

587. He was my boyfriend, and then he left me

588. when the business went under. So, anyway...

589. You're kidding?

590. What a dick.

591. I'm glad I never tipped him.

592. You know what? Let's forget about this.

593. Let's just forget this one. Really?

594. Under one condition. What? What?

595. Get your taillights fixed...

596. I promise. I promise I will. I promise. Thank you.

597. before you kill someone.

598. I'm not going to kill anybody.

599. All right. Here, there's your ID.

600. And I'm going to give you this.

601. It's a buddy of mine. He has a body shop in Milwaukee.

602. He'll fix those right up for you.

603. Bill Cozbi?

604. Yeah, with a "Z."

605. Different guy. Yeah.

606. And don't mention the whole "Bill Cosby" thing to him.

607. It drives him nuts. I mean it.

608. Okay, I get it. Thanks.

609. You know what? If you mention my name, that I referred you,

610. he'll give you a particularly good deal.

611. My gosh. Thank you.

612. I really appreciate it. Thanks.

613. Okay. Well, I appreciated your cakes.

614. So, we are even.

615. That's me, there. Rhodes. Officer Rhodes.

616. That's really nice of you.

617. Thank you.

618. We are not all bad.

619. What?

620. I was just saying, we are not all bad!

621. Oh. Yeah.

622. Actually, the rest of them are, but not me.

623. I'm the best of them.

624. Okay. Thank you.

625. Anyway.

626. Thank you.

627. I didn't know you played tennis.

628. Yeah, I played a little in high school.

629. I'm so glad we were able to do this.

630. I'm really glad we could do this, too. It's nice we get to hang out.

631. I know, right? Yeah.

632. It's too bad Lillian couldn't play with us today.

633. Poor thing, she is so busy.

634. Ohh. I know.

635. But she's not really that into sports.

636. Even when we were little, she didn't like anything

637. that was too competitive.

638. She certainly enjoys playing tennis now.

639. It's funny how people change, isn't it?

640. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?

641. I think they do.

642. Yeah, but, I mean, they still stay who they are, pretty much.

643. I think we change all the time.

644. I think we stay the same, but grow, I guess, a little bit.

645. I think if you are growing, then you are changing.

646. But, I mean, we are changing from who we are, which we always stay as.

647. Not really, I don't think so.

648. I think so. I don't.

649. Annie! These are my kids.

650. Step-kids. Step.

651. They are so hilarious.

652. Funny.

653. Excuse me, my husband's kids.

654. What are you guys up to?

655. Going to the snack bar.

656. Awesome. You need a ride home later?

657. Fuck off, Helen.

658. Okay. Put a quarter in the swear-jar.

659. Good to see you.

660. They are so cute.

661. Sweet kids.

662. Carol!

663. Get your shit together, Carol!

664. Yes!

665. I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.

666. Umm...

667. I've been thinking, and...

668. Brynn needs to start paying rent. That's it.

669. She's been here long enough.

670. The three of us live here, it's not fair for me to be paying half.

671. We split it three ways. What do you say?

672. Well, she can't work. She's on a tourist visa.

673. Yeah. So, technically, I'm only allowed to tour.

674. Well, you know...

675. I have no way of earning money,

676. unless I just go and prostitute down on the street.

677. I don't want you to do that, no.

678. "Hello, fellas. Here I am."

679. Yeah, but we... "Put your American sausage

680. "in my English McMuffin."

681. No, we did that. All right.

682. Okay, I don't even know what you're talking about anymore.

683. There's three people living here. Yeah.

684. If she doesn't start paying...

685. I'm not. she has to leave.

686. Is this about the diary again?

687. What diary?

688. Your diary proved very interesting to read.

689. You read my... You read my journal?

690. At first, I did not know that it was your diary.

691. I thought it was a very sad, hand-written book.

692. What? That does not make any...

693. But, because of the deep personal details

694. and the bits that mentioned Gil and Brynn... - No, no, no, no.

695. Don't read my journal! - And the crumbs.

696. Then... Don't go in my room!

697. Well, hello! I think, before you make those sort of demands,

698. you need to, maybe, think about

699. putting a note on your door saying,

700. "Do not come into my room, read my diary and wear my clothes."

701. Wow, I've never been to this part of town before.

702. Look, you can get your checks cashed next door.

703. I know it looks a little scary on the outside,

704. but the food is really good, authentic Brazilian.

705. I'm telling you, this is where Brazilians come to eat.

706. I got to say, Annie's really good at this.

707. She always drags me to the weirdest places

708. and the food is always incredible.

709. And plus, you get a lot for your money, too. So that's good.

710. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it.

711. Whoa! Somebody likes Brazilian food.

712. To my bridesmaids.

713. Cheers. - Cheers.

714. Cheers to Lil!

715. This is such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I'm so proud.

716. And I just want to toast all of you ladies.

717. I'm so happy to get to know you guys,

718. and happy to say that I have four new friends.

719. Absolutely. Cheers.

720. So, Annie, do you have a date for the wedding?

721. Um...

722. I don't... I don't think I'm bringing anybody, I guess.

723. Please, can I set you up? Please?

724. Annie, you can't go to the wedding alone. Please?

725. If you go alone, people might think you're a prostitute.

726. Maybe.

727. I'm sorry.

728. I hope that you're all hungry for churrasco Brasil. What would you like?

729. Yeah, I'll have some of that, please.

730. I'll start with this.

731. I'd say yes. Hello, chicken.

732. This is crazy good, ya'll.

733. Helen, aren't you eating any meat?

734. It's not good to eat a big meal before a fitting.

735. I feel a bit bloated, so...

736. Not me.

737. No? No. Physically, I don't bloat.

738. Lucky. That is lucky.

739. It's a gift.

740. I can't wait to be married for as long as you've been married.

741. And to have kids.

742. And be a mom. Becca?

743. Yeah?

744. The other night, I'm slaving away,

745. making a beautiful dinner for my family.

746. My youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza.

747. I said, "No, we're not ordering pizza tonight."

748. He goes, "Mom, why don't you go and fuck yourself?"

749. He's nine.

750. Okay, now that Lillian's in the bathroom,

751. I just wanted to talk to you guys about the shower really quick.

752. I was thinking it could be French-themed,

753. since she's always wanted to go to Paris her whole life.

754. So I figured we could bring Paris here

755. and have champagne and little cookies.

756. They'd say "Lillian and Dougie" on them.

757. We can dip them in chocolate fondue,

758. and get cheese from the nice part of the store.

759. I love that. Good idea, Annie.

760. We can have French invitations, the whole thing.

761. Don't you think that'd be nice?

762. That's adorable! That's really cute.

763. Good. Great.

764. I don't know. It's really cute.

765. But I feel like, personally, the Paris theme's

766. a bit, "Been there, done that."

767. I just feel like we can top it.

768. We should throw some ideas around.

769. See if anyone else has a theme they had in mind

770. or something they'd been thinking of.

771. What about a Pixar-themed shower?

772. And we all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character.

773. That, and I'll just snowball on top of that, also Fight Club.

774. Female fight club.

775. We grease up, we pull in.

776. Lillian doesn't know, so it's, "Surprise! We're going to fight!"

777. We beat the shit out of her.

778. She's not going to forget that.

779. We just fucking attack.

780. Can I be honest? No.

781. I'm at home with three boys all day, every day.

782. What about the bachelorette party?

783. That's what's more important.

784. I've got a new tube top, I want to cut the tags off.

785. I'd like to take advantage of this opportunity.

786. Where are we going? I'm going to second her.

787. We'd better blow this shit out. Yeah.

788. That poor girl, Lillian, who we're all here for,

789. is in the bathroom probably bawling her fucking eyes out.

790. Because she's realizing, "Holy shit!

791. "I've got to spend the rest of my life with Doug."

792. He's my brother. I love him. But he is a fucking asshole.

793. I think we can all agree on that, right?

794. We can... We'll figure it out.

795. I mean, I can think of stuff, and it will be great.

796. We just have to make sure it's really, really special.

797. Belle en Blanc? This is the place. Great job, Annie.

798. Thanks. Annie.

799. Belle en Blanc. Reservation name?

800. I don't have one. We're just here to shop, just to try on some dresses.

801. Okay. Well, the next available appointment

802. for bridesmaids' fittings is in seven weeks.

803. Absolutely no walk-ins.

804. Whitney? It's Helen.

805. Helen Harris? Yeah!

806. Hi! Hi.

807. Oh, my God. Hi. Listen, I'll buzz you right in.

808. Great, thanks. Okay.

809. Hello. Welcome, come in.

810. You look wonderful. Great to see you.

811. Welcome to Belle en Blanc, ladies.

812. Welcome to heaven. - Thank you.

813. Oh, man!

814. This is some classy shit here.

815. Jesus, Megan!

816. I'm sorry, I want to apologize.

817. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of.

818. Whitney, back to you. I'm sorry.

819. Anyway, take a look around. Get to know the dresses.

820. If you need anything, I'll be in my office.

821. Have fun.

822. Oh, my God.

823. It's a Fritz Bernaise.

824. Ladies, I... Oh, my God!

825. I just don't think we can do any better. This is...

826. This is beautiful. That is gorgeous.

827. It's unique, it's special, it's couture.

828. This is made in France.

829. Helen, this is $800.

830. Are you kidding? It's on sale.

831. Are you serious? Oh, my gosh. What a perfect combination.

832. You guys, it was meant to be.

833. Oh. That's nice.

834. There's other dresses we should be looking at.

835. Nope, not that one.

836. Lillian, Lillian, look at this one.

837. Isn't this pretty? Yeah.

838. It's really pretty and sweet, and...

839. We don't want to upstage Lillian with a big fancy dress.

840. Maybe we should just get something kind of simple.

841. Oh.

842. Please do not worry about upstaging me.

843. Because guess who Helen is friends with

844. and who's designing my wedding dress.

845. Lady St. Petsois JuJu.

846. I just sent my measurements to France, y'all.

847. No, you didn't.

848. Where were you when I was getting married?

849. Ladies, let's not decide on this bridesmaids' dress straight away.

850. Let's let our bodies decide.

851. Try some things on and have some fun, okay?

852. Yeah, let's have some fun, girls.

853. Ladies, start your "engines."

854. - Oh, yeah. - Lil, Lil.

855. Amazing. This is so cool.

856. Ladies. Ladies, if I may interject.

857. I just want to say you all look stunning.

858. That's a given. Head to toe.

859. But, sadly, we need to agree on one.

860. Well, I mean, ladies, you all look beautiful.

861. But I just think, personally, the Fritz Bernaise is just...

862. I mean... It's a Bernaise.

863. This is one of a kind. I just...

864. I don't think there is a question.

865. No. No question.

866. There might be a question.

867. I might... I might have a question.

868. I think this dress would look great on everybody.

869. It's a great color. It's a great length.

870. It's fun. You can twirl.

871. You can move in it.

872. You can spread your legs apart.

873. And it's a great price.

874. This is designer as well.

875. Is anyone else hot?

876. It is like an oven in here.

877. Okay, well, maybe this might help you decide.

878. While you gals were in the changing room,

879. I happened to rustle up a two-year-old Lady JuJu dress in storage.

880. I had Lillian put it on so you could see

881. what you'll be standing next to.

882. Lillian, honey.

883. My God.

884. Beautiful length.

885. Breathtaking.

886. Holy shit! You look amazing.

887. That's a dress. That dress is so pretty

888. it makes my stomach hurt.

889. Lillian,

890. I don't know what to say. You look...

891. Megan, are you okay?

892. I think...

893. My dress was probably just tight.

894. Oh, my God.

895. You got food poisoning from that restaurant, didn't you?

896. No, I had the same thing that she had and I feel fine.

897. Oh, my... Okay. Oh, no.

898. Why is this happening? Nothing is happening.

899. Oh, my God.

900. I don't really care which dress we get.

901. It doesn't matter to me. I just need to get off this white carpet.

902. Oh, God. Okay. No, not the bathroom.

903. Everybody go outside. I'm serious!

904. There is a bathroom across the street.

905. I think everybody has the flu.

906. Shit!

907. I need the toilet! I need the toilet!

908. I need the toilet!

909. No!

910. No. No, Megan. No! No!

911. Look away! Megan, no!

912. Look away!

913. You don't look very well, Annie.

914. I feel fine.

915. Are you sure? It wasn't that gray kind of lamb?

916. You ate a lot of that weird chicken.

917. Was it that?

918. No. I'm...

919. I... I feel fine.

920. I think you'd just feel better if you threw up.

921. I don't have... I don't have to throw up.

922. I am so sorry.

923. Get away from me!

924. You're not sick?

925. No. No?

926. In fact, Helen, I'm hungry.

927. And I wish I had a snack.

928. You're hungry?

929. I'm starving.

930. What did we eat?

931. The sink is a goner. What are you doing?

932. It's coming out of me like lava!

933. Oh, my God.

934. Don't you fucking look at me!

935. Hmm?

936. Jordan almonds.

937. These are great.

938. Thank you.

939. Better?

940. I was... I was just hungry.

941. Yeah.

942. Annie, everybody is really sick from that restaurant.

943. But it wasn't the restaurant. No, no, no, no.

944. Lillian, where are you going? No.

945. I need a bathroom.

946. Lil!

947. No. No.

948. Lil, where are you going?

949. Be careful. What are you doing

950. It's happening. It's happening.

951. It happened. - What are you doing?

952. It happened.

953. No. Don't you dare ruin that dress!

954. Ohh. You're really doing it, aren't you?

955. You're really shitting in the street.

956. We'll just take five of the Fritz Bernaises.

957. Thank you, Whitney. They really do look better.

958. Right. Thank you.

959. You okay?

960. I crapped my wedding dress. I crapped...

961. I... I crapped my wedding dress.

962. Lunch was fun, though, right?

963. It was a good time, all the girls together.

964. Is this a sign, Annie?

965. No. I'm just going to pull over

966. really quick, though, because...

967. What?

968. my tire just feels a little...

969. Where are you going?

970. My tire just feels a little low.

971. I just want to check my tire real quick.

972. Oh. Could I borrow your razor, please?

973. Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

974. Have a good date. Thank you.

975. Is the guy that you're going out with also over 40?

976. I'm not over 40. Forget it.

977. Lift up your arm. Point up.

978. Ow! Sorry.

979. Hi. Annie.

980. Pete? Yeah.

981. Come on in.

982. All right. Thank you.

983. Oh. This is my son, Tyler.

984. Hi, Tyler. Hi.

985. These things are always so awkward. Yeah.

986. I'm not really a setup guy. Me, either.

987. But Becca spoke so highly of you.

988. She had a lot of really nice things to say about you, too.

989. That's nice to hear.

990. I'm going to go upstairs, throw on a couple of finishing touches.

991. The babysitter's not here yet, so just hang out with Tyler

992. and I'll be right back down. Okay.

993. Okay.

994. So, how old are you?

995. Do you watch movies?

996. Are you afraid of dying?

997. Hmm?

998. Are you afraid of dying?

999. Um...

1000. I don't know.

1001. I mean, I guess everybody is. I don't know. Why?

1002. Because my mom is going to kill you.

1003. You're making me uncomfortable.

1004. Your hair looks burned.

1005. Okay.

1006. Are you going to make a baby with my father?

1007. I don't... I don't know.

1008. My grandma died where you're sitting.

1009. She died right here?

1010. Right where your underpants are.

1011. You wanna watch me dance?

1012. Sure.

1013. I can't do this.

1014. Listen to me. I miss you so much.

1015. I'll come over right now.

1016. Okay, I'm not over you yet, that's why.

1017. She's not even pretty.

1018. I'm not doing it. I can't. No.

1019. What are you doing? Did you eat one of those?

1020. Did you eat one of those?

1021. I ate Saturday.

1022. Okay. Oh, boy. You know what?

1023. Something's going to happen to you. I don't know what it is,

1024. but something's going to happen to your body.

1025. That was fun. Oh, my gosh.

1026. You know what I was thinking?

1027. You should come with me to Lillian's wedding, maybe.

1028. Not like that. Not like anything serious.

1029. But just like a fun time, you know?

1030. We can get dressed up, and we can go dancing and have a drink.

1031. It'll be fun, right?

1032. No. I mean, I don't want to make you have to explain

1033. to all those people what our relationship is.

1034. That would suck for you. Right?

1035. Yeah. I guess so.

1036. I'm just thinking of you. Yeah.

1037. No, it's okay.

1038. I have someone else I can ask, anyway. So...

1039. Really? Yeah.

1040. Who?

1041. Umm... This guy, George.

1042. George Glass.

1043. Okay.

1044. Who is this George?

1045. He is a very hot, nice guy

1046. who likes me a lot, and would probably love to be my date.

1047. Really? Mmm-hmm.

1048. Mmm-hmm.

1049. Well, let me ask you this.

1050. Can this George Glass

1051. do this to you?

1052. Probably.

1053. You know what? It's getting really late.

1054. You should probably go. I'm going to miss you so much.

1055. Oh.

1056. Annie Walker.

1057. Hi.

1058. Hey. Hey.

1059. What brings you in here so early?

1060. I've just had a bad night. Boy stuff. Ohh.

1061. Do you want me to arrest anybody?

1062. I could do that.

1063. Actually... No.

1064. Do you want to talk to a cop about it? We are just like priests.

1065. Except we can tell everybody about it afterwards.

1066. Oh. I won't, though.

1067. Doesn't sound very inviting.

1068. You want a carrot?

1069. Right now? Yeah.

1070. I'll share. I've got plenty.

1071. Sure, I'll have a carrot.

1072. Yeah?

1073. Okay.

1074. Ohh. Yeah, that sounds rough.

1075. It's going to get better, right?

1076. I wouldn't have thought so.

1077. You know, my sister was a maid of honor at our cousin's wedding,

1078. and she found it so stressful, her hair started falling out.

1079. That's terrible. Yeah.

1080. It grew back, but it was...

1081. It was pretty gross.

1082. Planning a wedding should be fun.

1083. You know what? If I ever had a wedding,

1084. I'd want everybody to be stress-free.

1085. I'd like it to be like a carnival.

1086. Like, people win prizes for guessing the bride's weight.

1087. Dunk tanks.

1088. Yeah. You know?

1089. Mmm-hmm. You could have elephants,

1090. and the bride and groom can walk on a little tightrope.

1091. Okay, what you are talking about there, that's a circus wedding.

1092. It's a totally different... Right.

1093. You missed it. Yeah.

1094. Hey, you know, instead of stressing out about this wedding,

1095. you know what you should be doing?

1096. Setting up a new bakery!

1097. Hmm.

1098. No, I'm kind of done with that.

1099. What?

1100. I don't do it anymore.

1101. All right.

1102. Ew. Oh!

1103. You got the ugly carrot. What?

1104. There is one in every bag. You have to eat it. It's good luck.

1105. I'm not eating this.

1106. Yeah! I'll eat it.

1107. It's the lucky carrot? No, don't eat it! Don't eat it. Don't eat it!

1108. Well, don't litter! I'll fine you. I'm sorry.

1109. You know what? Actually, I'm going to pick it up.

1110. It really bothers me. Sorry.

1111. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm anal about that kind of thing.

1112. I didn't know that you could be a cop here if you weren't a citizen.

1113. You can't. No?

1114. No. No, you can't.

1115. But they made a special dispensation

1116. because I'm so tough and strong.

1117. Oh. Right. And handsome.

1118. Okay.

1119. You're pretty... You're pretty tough.

1120. I am tough. You're tough. You're a tough cop.

1121. Look. You're saying it, but you're laughing.

1122. No, you're... You're...

1123. You didn't let me flex that time.

1124. That was unfair. I'm really tough.

1125. So am I. No.

1126. Yeah. I could be a cop.

1127. You think you could be a cop? Yeah.

1128. Okay. Yeah.

1129. Let's see. You know what?

1130. The sun is nearly up. Let's go and see if you've got what it takes.

1131. That's right. Now, plant your feet.

1132. Okay.

1133. Good.

1134. And take aim.

1135. Now, put your left hand behind your head.

1136. Yeah. And just drop your left hip.

1137. I'm kidding. Put your arms out straight. Okay.

1138. You want to hit the middle of the license plate.

1139. That's where you get the most accurate reading.

1140. Okay. Okay, here we go. You ready?

1141. Okay.

1142. Fifty-eight. What's the speed limit?

1143. Fifty-five.

1144. Okay, they were all right. We'll let them go.

1145. You were born to do this. Look at you.

1146. Okay. All right, here we go.

1147. Sixty-three.

1148. You are missing some good ones here.

1149. People are on their way to work. Why ruin their day?

1150. Okay, watch this. 48.

1151. Forty-eight. How did you do that?

1152. It wasn't! Yes, it was.

1153. That's never happened. Are you serious?

1154. It was 48? Yes, 48!

1155. Yeah. I'm so impressed.

1156. I'm pretty impressive.

1157. I'm very impressed by you.

1158. Whoa!

1159. Whoa!

1160. Whoa! Damn!

1161. That was 91. 91?

1162. Yes. Can we go?

1163. We can go.

1164. Come on, hot dogger.

1165. Let's get that fucker.

1166. Oh, my God!

1167. Oh, my God!

1168. family lake house. Perfect.

1169. Hello? I just got your e-mail. Lake house?

1170. Yeah.

1171. Yeah, it's Lillian's parents' house.

1172. We used to go there all the time in the summers and everything.

1173. It's one of... A bachelorette in a cabin?

1174. Wait. Can you... Hold that thought. Hold on.

1175. Hello?

1176. Fucking Helen. Hello?

1177. Annie, it's Rita.

1178. Hi.

1179. Listen, I need a trip that I can fantasize forever

1180. so that I am able to have sex with my husband.

1181. That's why I'm thinking Vegas.

1182. Vegas?

1183. Hang on. Hey!

1184. Shut your filthy fucking mouths! I'm sorry.

1185. I'm surrounded by savages.

1186. You know what? I should probably run. My other line is ringing.

1187. You know, I can get cocaine from my hairdresser.

1188. Okay, bye. Hello?

1189. Annie. Yeah?

1190. I'm so excited. Helen just called. She said we can go to Vegas.

1191. You know... Yeah, but we have to... We have to fly there, and...

1192. Okay, Annie, I know you are afraid of flying,

1193. but I want to see Criss Angel, but I'm scared.

1194. Which I sort of love.

1195. Can you just hold on for one second?

1196. Oh, sure, sure, sure. I... Thanks. Hold on. God damn it.

1197. Hello? Hey, Annie, it's Megan.

1198. Hey.

1199. I just had some thoughts about the bachelorette party.

1200. Okay, here we go.

1201. Easy-peasy. Vegas it is.

1202. Helen called you, didn't she?

1203. Yeah, she got the jump on you.

1204. I want balls in my face.

1205. Honestly, I think it's Vegas.

1206. I love puppets. Balls.

1207. I guess we are undecided.

1208. I feel so bad Annie's stuck back in coach.

1209. I know, I offered to pay for her

1210. so she could sit in first class,

1211. but she said no.

1212. She's too proud.

1213. It was nice of you to offer.

1214. No carry-on, huh?

1215. No. Yeah, I noticed.

1216. I noticed you didn't put anything in the overhead bin either.

1217. And I get it.

1218. I get it. I want you to know, protect and serve

1219. Air Marshal-style.

1220. What?

1221. I don't want to infringe on your privacy, man.

1222. I just... I really appreciate what you do for this country.

1223. And I respect the hell out of you.

1224. That's great.

1225. I'm not an Air Marshal. I'm going to take a nap.

1226. Awesome. Cool.

1227. I'll take the first watch.

1228. I'm not an Air Marshal. You don't need to take a watch.

1229. Okay.

1230. I've got the first watch.

1231. Please check your seatbelts

1232. and that your seat backs are in an upright position before takeoff.

1233. Gosh.

1234. I am really hoping this flight is quick,

1235. and we get there on the ground safely.

1236. I'm not a good flyer, I'm sorry.

1237. I had a dream last night that we went down.

1238. Yep. It was terrible. You were in it.

1239. What? It sounds like something's happening.

1240. Annie, what are you doing up here?

1241. You are supposed to be in your seat.

1242. I know. I'm freaking out a little bit.

1243. Ma'am, we're still ascending. You're gonna need to return to your seat.

1244. Okay, I was just...

1245. Annie, I have something.

1246. Take two, you'll fall asleep, wake up and we'll be there. Here.

1247. Ma'am, you're going to have to return to your seat, please.

1248. It's fine. Okay. All right.

1249. Ma'am! All right. All right.

1250. Oh, my God, I feel terrible. I should be sitting back there with her.

1251. I shouldn't be up here in first class. I feel like such a jerk.

1252. Lil, this is your weekend, okay?

1253. You are treating yourself. Just relax.

1254. She will be fine. She will make friends.

1255. There is much more sense of community in coach, I promise you.

1256. She'll be fine.

1257. I can't believe you've never been with anybody else.

1258. Just Kevin.

1259. I'm sorry. I just...

1260. Becca, I just can't help but feel bad for you.

1261. You don't even know what you want.

1262. I got to know where you keep the gun, man.

1263. I mean, is it ankle, hip, lower back?

1264. You don't... Between the cheeks, do you?

1265. No, I don't stick a gun up my butt. That's stupid.

1266. I didn't say "up."

1267. I just knew of a guy, that guy did a lot of undercover work.

1268. And all I know is he had tape marks all up and down his cheeks.

1269. That can't be true.

1270. People don't keep guns up their asses

1271. because if you needed to use it, how are you going to get it?

1272. He cut a hole in his pocket.

1273. What? In his back pocket.

1274. You have got to get something out of your ass

1275. and you cut a hole in the back of your jeans,

1276. you want to tell me you can't get to something?

1277. I don't have a gun for you to put up my ass to make your point.

1278. I can put my Nano. I will show you.

1279. I will... If you get me scissors,

1280. I will cut a hole in my pocket.

1281. And you will never find this again until I want you to find it.

1282. Kevin can only have sex in bed, in the dark, under the covers,

1283. only after we have showered

1284. separately.

1285. And sometimes, by the time we are finished

1286. cleaning ourselves, he's too tired.

1287. And then I pretend I'm tired, but I'm not tired. I'm not tired. I'm not tired.

1288. That's why every girl needs those slutty college years.

1289. To experiment, get it out of your system, find out what you like.

1290. Excuse me, could I have a glass of alcohol when you get a chance?

1291. Two double Seven and Sevens.

1292. Is that...

1293. You will like it. It's sweet.

1294. I have to go to the bathroom.

1295. But I heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on a plane.

1296. She got sucked into the toilet.

1297. Sucked right in.

1298. Are you okay?

1299. Yes.

1300. Yeah, I just think that what you gave me didn't really do anything.

1301. I just have too much adrenalin or something. But, thanks.

1302. Why don't you take my scotch?

1303. It will just give the pill a little kick that it needs.

1304. Honestly, I do it all the time. Yeah?

1305. Yeah, and I'm much smaller than you, so you'll handle it.

1306. Well, thanks.

1307. Yeah? Okay.

1308. Yummy?

1309. Yeah, it's good.

1310. You should just toss it back. Don't waste any more time.

1311. Okay.

1312. Ohh. Look at that.

1313. Okay, that'll do it. That'll do it.

1314. So you don't even have sex anymore?

1315. No, I have sex constantly.

1316. The sex is constant.

1317. But he hasn't kissed me in five years.

1318. What are you doing when you are having sex, then?

1319. Thinking about other things and wishing it would stop.

1320. You know, sometimes I just want to watch

1321. The Daily Show without him entering me.

1322. It's the Wet Republic Ultra Pool. No.

1323. Are you kidding?

1324. What is it again?

1325. There is a bar in the pool and a tiger.

1326. What?

1327. It's crazy. It's Vegas at its best.

1328. Wait a minute. Is this that place that was on The Real World?

1329. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. It's...

1330. Hey, buddy. How you doing?

1331. I'm good. I'm so much more relaxed. Thank you, Helen.

1332. I just feel like I'm excited, and I feel relaxed.

1333. And I'm ready

1334. to party

1335. with the best of them!

1336. And I'm going to go down to the river

1337. Wow! It looks like somebody is really relaxing now.

1338. What are you guys talking about up here?

1339. We are going to a restaurant tonight. I know the owner, so...

1340. You do?

1341. Ohh. Helen knows the owner.

1342. Uhh!

1343. Big whoop.

1344. Let's go take a nap. What do you say?

1345. Miss, you cannot be up here.

1346. Hello, grandpa.

1347. I'm sorry. I just want to be here with

1348. my friends, because I'm with this group.

1349. The sign just went off. Can't she stay up here for a minute and just talk?

1350. Absolutely not.

1351. Coach passengers are not allowed up here in first class.

1352. It's policy. I'm sorry.

1353. Ooh!

1354. This is a very strict plane that I'm on.

1355. Welcome to Germany.

1356. Auf Wiedersehen, asshole.

1357. All right.

1358. Why don't you go lay down?

1359. I'm going to go take a nap. I'm tired.

1360. I think it's a good idea.

1361. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.

1362. I'm sorry.

1363. I'm leaving.

1364. Thank you.

1365. This should be open, because it's civil rights.

1366. This is the '90s.

1367. Right. It's not. You're in the wrong decade.

1368. You are. Okay, I am.

1369. Thank you.

1370. Holy shit. What did you give her?

1371. Miss?

1372. No. It's not me.

1373. Yes, it is you. Please go back to your seat.

1374. Yes, I am with him.

1375. I am Mrs. Iglesias.

1376. No, you are not.

1377. You were just out here and you put sunglasses on. Out.

1378. But I don't want to.

1379. Sir, she can have my seat, okay?

1380. Everyone should experience first class at least once in their lives.

1381. And Annie shouldn't miss out just because she can't afford it.

1382. No, ma'am, I'm afraid that's not allowed.

1383. Help me, I'm poor. - No, listen,

1384. we're a whole wedding party. I'm the bride. I'm getting married.

1385. This seat is empty. She's obviously nervous. We'll calm her down and...

1386. I understand. But Claire is right.

1387. Everybody, go back to your seats.

1388. Okay, you especially.

1389. You have three seconds to get back to your seat.

1390. You can't get anywhere in three seconds.

1391. Well, you'd better try.

1392. You are setting me up for a loss already.

1393. Thank you.

1394. Whatever you say, Stove.

1395. It's Steve.

1396. "Stove." What kind of name is that?

1397. That's not a name. My name is Steve.

1398. Are you an appliance?

1399. No, I'm a man, and my name is Steve.

1400. You are a flight attendant.

1401. That's absolutely accurate.

1402. You can close that. Thank you.

1403. Hey, not-Air Marshall Jon.

1404. You want to get back in that restroom and not rest?

1405. No, I have to get back to my seat.

1406. Yeah, you gotta get back on my seat.

1407. You get it?

1408. Yeah, I definitely got it.

1409. Oh-oh. What's that?

1410. I got to get back to my seat. Could you just move your leg, please?

1411. I got to go.

1412. Oh-oh. Oh-oh.

1413. Somebody found a souvenir.

1414. You feel that steam heat coming? That's from my undercarriage.

1415. That can go up and higher.

1416. Okay.

1417. Jon, get us a blanket.

1418. No.

1419. I got to take a whiz and I'll be right back.

1420. Cool.

1421. I don't want you to be a big fuck-up like me.

1422. How do you think I feel?

1423. Like me. You can still turn it around.

1424. No, don't.

1425. Stop it!

1426. You are more beautiful than Cinderella.

1427. You smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine.

1428. What?

1429. Oh, no.

1430. Ladies and gentlemen,

1431. as you can see, the captain has turned on the "fasten seatbelt" sign.

1432. It appears we've run into a rough patch of weather...

1433. I have an announcement, too.

1434. There is a Colonial woman on the wing.

1435. There's a woman on the wing. I saw her.

1436. There's something they're not telling us!

1437. Steve. All right.

1438. There's a Colonial woman.

1439. She was churning butter on that wing. Steve, get her.

1440. She is out there right now. Shit!

1441. Everyone, remain calm! I'm an Air Marshal.

1442. Yes! I knew it. I got your back, Jon!

1443. There is a woman on the wing. I saw her.

1444. There's something they're not telling us.

1445. Let's get out! Let's open the doors and get out!

1446. She is dressed in traditional Colonial garb.

1447. Say goodbye! We are going down!

1448. Stay calm.

1449. There is something they are not telling us.

1450. There is a Colonial woman on the wing.

1451. I will cover the pilot!

1452. Who is she? What does she want?

1453. Just let me make it up to you, please.

1454. I'm telling you,

1455. your shower is going to be amazing.

1456. I have so many ideas.

1457. I want to talk to you about the shower.

1458. I feel like

1459. it has been really overwhelming for you.

1460. It's just starting to make you crazy.

1461. No, Lil, I'm fine. I mean...

1462. Lil, I'm fine.

1463. No, you're not fine.

1464. You are not fine, Annie,

1465. and we need things to just

1466. flow smoothly from now on

1467. and Helen just knows how to do this kind of stuff.

1468. She does it all the time.

1469. She is good at it. She likes doing it.

1470. This way you don't have to

1471. plan any more lunches or trips.

1472. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

1473. I get it.

1474. I think it'll be best here on out

1475. for the shower and for everything.

1476. Yeah, whatever you want.

1477. I mean, it's probably best.

1478. I think so, right?

1479. Yeah. I just want you to be happy.

1480. I think that will make me happy. It will be good.

1481. Okay. Okay.

1482. Good.

1483. Hey.

1484. Hey.

1485. Do you want to hang out?

1486. It's not funny! Stop laughing.

1487. It's a little funny.

1488. None of those girls are laughing, believe me.

1489. It's not funny. Have you ever been kicked off a plane?

1490. I can't say that I have.

1491. Thank you.

1492. All of the girls hate me right now.

1493. You are like the maid of dishonor.

1494. I hope Lillian isn't going to be mad at me for too long.

1495. No, she will be all right.

1496. I don't know, I just wish things were

1497. the way that they used to be, you know.

1498. I feel like her life is going off

1499. and getting perfect, and mine is just like...

1500. It will turn around, you know.

1501. I have been hearing that for a long time.

1502. It's going to turn around. I just know it.

1503. Anyway.

1504. You got to bake.

1505. I don't really do that anymore, I told you.

1506. Why?

1507. I don't know, it's just...

1508. I don't know, after it just went under, I just, kind of,

1509. stopped, I guess.

1510. It doesn't make me happy anymore.

1511. Just because you didn't make any money at it,

1512. doesn't mean that you failed at it.

1513. I lost a lot of money.

1514. All my money.

1515. But you are so good at it.

1516. Oh, well. Let's change the subject.

1517. No more baking. I'm done.

1518. I don't know how you just can't do it anymore.

1519. If I wasn't a cop anymore, I would still...

1520. Arrest people?

1521. go out with a gun and shoot people.

1522. I probably wouldn't do that. I'm just trying to make you feel better.

1523. You are okay, you know.

1524. You don't know me very well.

1525. I know you well enough to know that you're not so bad.

1526. You got some stuff. Oh, yeah.

1527. You got bits and pieces going on.

1528. Thanks.

1529. I have been thinking about you a little bit.

1530. About me? Really?

1531. There is something about you.

1532. Something about you that sticks.

1533. I hate buttons.

1534. Where is the bedroom?

1535. Sorry. It's a mountain bike. Are you okay?

1536. Do you like mountain biking? Uh-huh.

1537. Take this off.

1538. I'm so glad this is happening.

1539. So am I.

1540. Hello. Morning.

1541. Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out.

1542. No, it's okay.

1543. I haven't been sitting here that long. Oh.

1544. Sorry, I guess I fell asleep.

1545. I didn't mean to sleep over.

1546. Don't be silly.

1547. I made you a cappuccino.

1548. Made it? Yeah.

1549. So, last night was fun.

1550. It was. It was very fun.

1551. I had fun.

1552. It was fun.

1553. If you care to accompany me to the kitchen,

1554. the fun may continue.

1555. A different kind of fun.

1556. But why don't you just get dressed and whatever, and...

1557. I left your clothes over there.

1558. Okay.

1559. And I'll see you in there.

1560. Okay.

1561. There she is.

1562. Your workshop awaits.

1563. I know it's a bit crazy, but I popped out

1564. and I got a few little baking bits and pieces.

1565. Butter, milk.

1566. Because I thought that it would be fun for us to bake together today.

1567. Obviously, you will be doing the baking.

1568. I will be doing the eating.

1569. Because you are the expert.

1570. Yeah, I don't...

1571. I don't really wanna...

1572. Sorry. You went to all this trouble, but...

1573. Come on, I know you haven't done it in a while, but it'll be great.

1574. Don't be silly, just get into it. You are so good at it.

1575. All right. I get it.

1576. It was a bit of a curve ball.

1577. Yeah, I think I'm going to go.

1578. I'm sorry. I should just probably go.

1579. Annie,

1580. I don't know what you are getting so upset about.

1581. Because you don't know me.

1582. You don't know anything about me or my life or...

1583. Well, no, because... I don't know what you're trying to do here.

1584. I don't need you to fix me. To fix you?

1585. I don't need any help. I mean, who do you think you are?

1586. Jesus, Annie, we had a really good time. And now you are being all...

1587. It's my fault. I shouldn't have come here last night.

1588. Last night was a mistake.

1589. Fucking hell. All right.

1590. Hey, it's Lillian. Leave a message after the beep.

1591. Hey, Lil, it's me.

1592. Umm...

1593. I'm sure you're probably still a little bit mad at me, but I hope not.

1594. Anyway, the excitement still continues with me.

1595. I just slept with a cop that pulled me over

1596. and I woke up today, and he was really sweet and nice and cute.

1597. So, naturally, I ran out as fast as I could.

1598. What's wrong with me?

1599. Umm...

1600. Anyway, I know you are busy and stuff,

1601. so just call me when you get a chance.

1602. I'd love to talk this out with you when you can.

1603. Okay, bye.

1604. Annie! Annie, wake up.

1605. It's 11:00 a.m.

1606. Oh, shit.

1607. You got a package.

1608. I'd bring it to you, but you said, "Don't touch my things."

1609. Please join us for a Parisian brunch

1610. at the home of Helen Harris III

1611. to celebrate the marriage of Lillian Donovan and Douglas Price.

1612. Let us shower Lillian with gifts and love. Répondez s'il vous plaît. Yay!

1613. Excuse me. Oh. Hi.

1614. I'm looking for a birthday gift for my best friend. Oh.

1615. I want to get her a necklace that says, "Best Friends Forever."

1616. You sure you want it to say "Forever"?

1617. Yeah, why?

1618. Come on. "Forever"?

1619. Forever.

1620. I don't think you guys will be best friends forever. No offense.

1621. But you know...

1622. The friends you have when you are younger sometimes...

1623. Sometimes you grow apart when you get older.

1624. Maybe she'll find a new best friend.

1625. And maybe she will be more successful than you are

1626. and prettier and richer and skinnier

1627. and they end up doing everything together.

1628. You are weird.

1629. I'm not weird. Okay?

1630. Yes, you are.

1631. No, I'm not, and you started it.

1632. No, you started it.

1633. Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?

1634. God, I feel bad for your parents.

1635. I feel bad for your face.

1636. Okay, well, call me when your boobs come in.

1637. You call me when yours come in.

1638. What, do you have four boyfriends? Exactly.

1639. Yeah, okay, have fun having a baby at your prom.

1640. You look like an old mop.

1641. You know what? You're not as popular as you think you are.

1642. I am very popular.

1643. I'm sure you are.

1644. Very popular.

1645. Well, you're an old, single loser

1646. who is never going to have any friends.

1647. You're a little cunt.

1648. I'm sorry.

1649. Let me tell my mom, okay.

1650. I already told her.

1651. Was she mad?

1652. Hi, Annie, it's Rhodes again.

1653. Since you're not returning any of my calls,

1654. I assume that you're not interested

1655. in spending any more time with me, which is fine.

1656. So don't worry, I won't be bothering you ever again.

1657. Get those taillights fixed.

1658. We'd like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.

1659. What? What do you mean? I don't get it.

1660. The thing is, we decided that it was actually a bit immature

1661. for a grown-up brother and sister to

1662. still be living together with a roommate.

1663. At our age, it's a bit ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah.

1664. We look a bit silly, don't we? Pathetic.

1665. So we are actually going to live together alone.

1666. Without you.

1667. You're moving out.

1668. She's not moving.

1669. She will move.

1670. Eventually. Eventually.

1671. She has to.

1672. She is taking it in.

1673. You have to leave.

1674. Oh! That's prickly.

1675. Hi. Hi.

1676. Remember when you thought I hit bottom?

1677. That wasn't bottom.

1678. Come here.

1679. We're gonna have fun. I, for one, am really glad you're here.

1680. And guess what?

1681. Good timing.

1682. You know what just came in today on the Netflix?

1683. Cast Away. Tom Hanks.

1684. It's like Forrest Gump, but on an island.

1685. Honey, you are gonna love it.

1686. My God.

1687. This is her driveway?

1688. Who is that man?

1689. Are you a guest of Helen Harris III?

1690. Yes. Technically. I guess.

1691. An attendant will meet you at the stables.

1692. Where?

1693. The shower is over the second bridge.

1694. Pink lemonade? Thank you.

1695. I don't have a cup holder. Can I just give that...

1696. Pink lemonade. Nice. Nice touch.

1697. Shit.

1698. God damn it, that's good.

1699. Mmm.

1700. Shit, that is fresh.

1701. This is the most beautiful shower I have ever been to.

1702. Yes, and Helen is giving out the cutest party favors.

1703. I know, I love their pink berets.

1704. Would you like some champagne? Yes.

1705. It's French.

1706. Annie. Hey.

1707. Hi.

1708. How are you doing? You're here.

1709. Yeah, I'm here. I was invited. Sorry.

1710. Of course you were invited. I just meant you have arrived.

1711. No, I was just joking. Okay.

1712. Can you believe this? Isn't it amazing?

1713. Yep.

1714. Yeah. It's nice.

1715. Yeah. Pretty.

1716. Are we okay?

1717. Yes, I'm sorry I haven't called.

1718. I just didn't want to bug you, but...

1719. Forgive me. It just got crazy.

1720. There has been lots of organizing, and... I have so much to tell you.

1721. I have to say hi to my aunt or she will get mad at my mom.

1722. No, you gotta go do your party rounds.

1723. Yeah.

1724. I'll see you in a minute.

1725. Yeah. Okay.

1726. Oh! Rita, you got all our towels.

1727. Yes, I did. Because I love you, kitten.

1728. All right, let's see what's next.

1729. Another one, another one, another one.

1730. I know who this is from. I can tell by the wrapping.

1731. Is that you?

1732. Annie, you made this.

1733. Look.

1734. Oh, man. - Oh, my gosh.

1735. It's us, Annie.

1736. Oh, my God. Let me see.

1737. Oh, my God.

1738. This is all my favorite stuff from all the stores I love in Milwaukee.

1739. Annie! This is so unbelievable.

1740. Wilson Phillips.

1741. Man, I love Wilson Phillips.

1742. We listened to Hold On probably 10,000 times

1743. when I got my driver's license.

1744. This is such an amazing gift.

1745. Thank you. You're welcome.

1746. I feel really bad, Lil,

1747. I didn't get a chance to actually get you a present

1748. because I have been so busy organizing the shower.

1749. Helen, please. It's more than enough.

1750. Here is a card to say congratulations.

1751. Thank you. Gosh, you have really outdone yourself.

1752. Oh, my God, Helen.

1753. Honey, what is it?

1754. Helen's taking me to Paris.

1755. Your face!

1756. I got you. I fooled you.

1757. Look at your face.

1758. It's just a little pre-wedding vacation. And while we're there,

1759. we're gonna meet the designer of her dress and have a fitting.

1760. You are taking me to Paris?

1761. Oh, my God! This is the best present ever!

1762. Thank you so much.

1763. À Paris!

1764. Oh, my God.

1765. Are you fucking kidding me?

1766. Annie! No, Mom.

1767. Motherfucking Paris?

1768. Annie, what are you doing?

1769. I told you about Paris, Helen. I told you about this whole idea!

1770. Annie, calm down. - No, Lillian!

1771. What, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now?

1772. What, you guys are gonna ride around on bikes

1773. with berets and fucking baguettes

1774. in the basket of the front of your bikes?

1775. How romantic!

1776. What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris?

1777. Am I right? Lesbian.

1778. We're all thinking it, aren't we? I'm not.

1779. Okay? Yes, we're all thinking it, right? I was.

1780. Annie... Lillian, this is not the "you" that I know.

1781. The "you" that I know would have

1782. walked in here and rolled your eyes

1783. and thought this was completely

1784. over-the-top, ridiculous and stupid.

1785. Look at this shower! Look at that fucking cookie!

1786. Did you really think that this group of women

1787. was going to finish that cookie?

1788. Really? You know what? That reminds me, actually.

1789. I never got a chance to try that fucking cookie!

1790. Stupid fucking cookie!

1791. Delicious! Stupid cookie. I think I'll...

1792. Maybe it's better if I dip it in the chocolate.

1793. Is this what you want, Lillian?

1794. This is so awesome.

1795. All right, let's have some nice, hot, unsanitary chocolate!

1796. Ahh! It's hot! Jesus! God!

1797. Christ, Annie. Have you lost your fucking mind?

1798. What are you doing? What am I doing?

1799. You wouldn't know, would you? Where have you been?

1800. You would have no idea. Let me fill you in, okay?

1801. Ever since you got engaged, everything has turned to shit!

1802. You know what? This is supposed to be about my time!

1803. You have managed to ruin every event

1804. in my wedding. Thank you very much.

1805. Okay, well, thank you very much.

1806. It's all her fault. It is not mine!

1807. And you would know that,

1808. if you got your beautiful haired head out of your asshole.

1809. In fact, out of her asshole, which I'm sure is perfectly bleached.

1810. You know what? It is!

1811. And you know how I know?

1812. Because I went to the fucking salon with her

1813. and I got my asshole bleached, too!

1814. And I love my new asshole!

1815. You know what? Why can't you just be happy for me

1816. and then go home and talk behind my back later, like a normal person?

1817. I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you.

1818. I wish you well. I won't bother you anymore.

1819. Are you kidding me? Annie!

1820. Go, go, go, go, go!

1821. Get back here! Stop.

1822. No, no! She does not get a party favor.

1823. She does not get a dog!

1824. And if you are going to act like this,

1825. then don't even bother coming to my wedding!

1826. I'm proud of you, Lil.

1827. Shut up, Helen!

1828. Anybody else have anything they want to share today?

1829. I took two dogs already. They're in the back of my van.

1830. What?

1831. What? Where are you going?

1832. Hit and run! Classy!

1833. Perfect! Okay.

1834. I'm gonna find you! I'm coming!

1835. Come on! Come on! Come on.

1836. No!

1837. Shit.

1838. I can't say I'm surprised.

1839. I did tell you to get your lights fixed.

1840. Yeah, I know.

1841. And now here we are.

1842. Look, I have had a horrible day.

1843. I don't need a lecture from you right now, okay?

1844. I just... Helen just...

1845. Oh! Don't...

1846. This didn't happen because of Helen.

1847. This happened because you didn't get your taillights fixed.

1848. It's pretty simple.

1849. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is

1850. to see you, night by night, drive past me

1851. with your fucking taillights still broken?

1852. Do you have any idea how crazy that makes me?

1853. It's a simple solution!

1854. Your problem, Annie,

1855. is that you just don't understand that you can hurt people

1856. with these broken lights.

1857. Don't you see how irresponsible this is?

1858. Yes, I should have gotten my fucking taillights fixed.

1859. But I didn't, okay? I didn't.

1860. Listen, don't worry about it.

1861. Seriously. Your message was received.

1862. No, look, please, I don't know what's going on with me right now.

1863. Look, it's fine. Don't bother. Really, what's done is done.

1864. That's it? Where are you going?

1865. That's it! That's it. That's how this works.

1866. Come on. I didn't...

1867. For the record, Annie, you flirted with me.

1868. You made me feel like you really liked me,

1869. which was really unfair.

1870. And then you came home with me and we did stuff, fun stuff,

1871. and then you just left, just like it was nothing.

1872. Oh, please. I know how guys do this thing.

1873. I know how guys act.

1874. One minute, it means something. The next minute, it doesn't.

1875. Right, yeah, you've got it all figured out.

1876. Yeah.

1877. How is that working out for you? Pretty good?

1878. Boom!

1879. What's up, fuck-buddy? You call for some roadside assistance?

1880. Thanks, officer. I can handle it from here on out.

1881. Come on!

1882. I didn't have anyone else to call!

1883. I didn't know that you were gonna show up!

1884. That's the problem with cops, Annie.

1885. We're just never there when you need us.

1886. That cop talks weird.

1887. Come on, dingus. Tick-tock. I got shit to do.

1888. Check it out. Look what's steering the car.

1889. Thanks again for picking me up.

1890. Not a problem.

1891. Were you busy?

1892. Well, it is Friday.

1893. You know, you look tired.

1894. If you're tired, you can totally

1895. lay down in my lap, if you want.

1896. What?

1897. Just take a little lap-nap.

1898. If you want.

1899. Open for biz.

1900. Okay, can you just pull over?

1901. Yeah, actually, that's an even better idea.

1902. No, no, no, can you please just stop the car? I want to get out.

1903. No, it's super gravelly.

1904. Please pull over! Why?

1905. Because I would rather get murdered out here

1906. than spend the next half-an-hour with you.

1907. Can you please just pull over?

1908. Come on, Annie. It's called humor.

1909. Learn about it.

1910. Besides, I would never last a half-hour.

1911. Goodbye, Ted.

1912. If you're trying to turn me on, it's working.

1913. You used me!

1914. No big deal. You are no longer my number three!

1915. Wilson!

1916. Wilson! I'm sorry!

1917. I'm sorry, Wilson.

1918. Wilson, I'm sorry!

1919. I'm sorry!

1920. Oh, no, Wilson.

1921. Wilson!

1922. I'm coming in.

1923. Let's go, let's go. And we're walking.

1924. Okay, we're walking. Heel. Heel!

1925. No pee. No! Not on the carpet!

1926. Okay, we're coming... We're coming in.

1927. Everybody is in and having fun.

1928. We're having fun. And heel! We're heeling.

1929. Heel!

1930. How many of those did you take?

1931. I took nine.

1932. Yeah, I did slightly over-commit to the whole dog thing.

1933. It turns out, I'm probably more comfortable with six.

1934. It's a lot... That's a lot of energy to deal with.

1935. But you wouldn't know anything about that,

1936. because you haven't been returning my calls.

1937. And say what, Megan?

1938. Say, "Hi, I can't get off the couch.

1939. "I got fired from my job. I got kicked out of my apartment.

1940. "I can't pay any of my bills. My car is a piece of shit.

1941. "I don't have any friends. The last time I..."

1942. You know what I find interesting about that, Annie?

1943. It's interesting to me that you have absolutely no friends.

1944. You know why it's interesting?

1945. Here's a friend standing directly

1946. in front of you, trying to talk to you.

1947. And you choose to talk about the fact

1948. that you don't have any friends.

1949. You know what I mean.

1950. No, I don't think you want any help.

1951. I think you want to have a little pity party. That's not true.

1952. I think Annie wants a little pity party.

1953. You're an asshole, Annie! Oh, my God. What are you doing?

1954. You're an asshole. I'm life. Is life bothering you?

1955. Yes! What are you doing?

1956. I'm life, Annie. I'm life, Annie.

1957. You have got to fight back on life.

1958. Megan!

1959. You better learn to fight.

1960. Megan!

1961. I'm life and I'm going to bite you in the ass!

1962. Megan... It's not me. I'm your life. Turn over!

1963. My God!

1964. I'm trying to get you to fight for your shitty life, and you won't do it!

1965. You just won't do it. Stop it.

1966. You stop slapping yourself. Stop slapping yourself.

1967. I'm your life, Annie. I'm your shitty...

1968. I'm sorry.

1969. Nice hit.

1970. All right.

1971. I'm glad to see you've got a little bit of spark in you.

1972. I knew that Annie was in there somewhere.

1973. I think...

1974. I think you're ready now to hear a little story about a girl.

1975. A girl named Megan.

1976. A girl named Megan that didn't have

1977. a very good time in high school.

1978. I'm referring to myself when I say "Megan."

1979. It's me, Megan. Yeah, I got that.

1980. I know you look at me now and think,

1981. "Boy, she must have breezed through high school."

1982. Not the case, Annie.

1983. No, this was not easy going up and down the halls. Okay?

1984. They used to try to blow me up.

1985. They threw firecrackers at my head.

1986. Firecrackers.

1987. I mean literally. I'm not saying that figuratively.

1988. I got firecrackers thrown at my head. They called me a freak.

1989. Do you think I let that break me?

1990. Do you think I went home to my mommy, crying,

1991. "I don't have any friends. Megan doesn't have any friends"

1992. No, I did not. You know what I did?

1993. I pulled myself up, I studied really hard.

1994. I read every book in the library. And now?

1995. I work for the government. I have

1996. the highest possible security clearance.

1997. Don't repeat that! I won't.

1998. I can't protect you.

1999. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes.

2000. I won't say anything.

2001. You would be amazed.

2002. A lot of shopping malls.

2003. Don't repeat that!

2004. I won't.

2005. I have six houses.

2006. I bought an 18-wheeler a couple of months ago just because I could.

2007. Okay, you lost Lillian.

2008. You got another best friend

2009. sitting right in front of you, if you would notice.

2010. Huh?

2011. Now, you got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

2012. Okay, 'cause I do not associate with people

2013. that blame the world for their problems.

2014. 'Cause you're your problem, Annie.

2015. And you're also your solution.

2016. Right? I mean, that's...

2017. You get that?

2018. I just miss her, I guess.

2019. Yeah, I know you do.

2020. I know you do.

2021. All right, come on. Bring it in.

2022. There's the Annie...

2023. There's the Annie I knew was there, okay?

2024. All right. Man, you have got to wash your hair.

2025. I'm sorry.

2026. You've got to wash that hair.

2027. What's wrong?

2028. Nothing.

2029. I love you.

2030. Looks great. Thank you.

2031. Rhodes and I worked out a deal way back when, so it's on the house.

2032. Are you serious?

2033. Yeah. I owe him big time.

2034. That's really nice.

2035. Hey, Mom?

2036. This is my mom, Judy.

2037. Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you.

2038. Good to meet you, too.

2039. Wait a minute, don't I know you from AA?

2040. Oh, my gosh. You made that artichoke dip, didn't you?

2041. It's good, huh?

2042. It's just delicious.

2043. Come in.

2044. Are you sure you're not gonna come with me today?

2045. It's Lillian's big day.

2046. Mom, she doesn't want me there.

2047. I'll fix you a tuna fish sandwich.

2048. Mom, it's 8:00 in the morning.

2049. You can put syrup on it.

2050. I know.

2051. Hi.

2052. What do you want?

2053. I was wondering if you knew where Lillian was.

2054. No, why would I... What do you mean?

2055. I can't find her. We've looked everywhere.

2056. What?

2057. She is missing. Can you help?

2058. Okay, just wait here. I think I know

2059. someone that might be able to help.

2060. I'll get my keys. Can I just use...

2061. I mean, I just don't know what could have possibly gone wrong.

2062. Everything was going smoothly.

2063. The dress looked fantastic. It had come in from Paris.

2064. Dougie was being great and very helpful.

2065. I had organized everything to the last final detail.

2066. I just...

2067. I don't know what's happened to her.

2068. I don't know. You should know, right?

2069. You're her best friend. It's weird that you don't know.

2070. You guys are so close.

2071. Annie, I want to apologize to you personally

2072. for all of the things that have gone down.

2073. I know that I hurt you,

2074. and that I created a distance between you and Lillian.

2075. I want to apologize for that... I don't want to hear...

2076. and everything that happened

2077. at the shower. And with Las Vegas...

2078. Okay, I don't want to hear any more, honestly.

2079. I don't even want to talk to you.

2080. Harry never really wants to talk to me, either.

2081. He travels a lot. Like, all year.

2082. I'm basically just by myself.

2083. I don't want to... I don't feel sorry for you.

2084. I really liked that original dress

2085. you picked at the bridal store.

2086. I thought it was beautiful. You have really lovely taste.

2087. Thanks, but it's a little too late for that.

2088. And I know...

2089. I don't think that Brazilian food really gave us food poisoning.

2090. No, it did.

2091. No, I don't think it did.

2092. It was the food. I shit my pants on the way home.

2093. I don't think it was your fault.

2094. That was my fault.

2095. I think people just ask me to their weddings

2096. because I'm good at organizing parties.

2097. I don't have any female friends.

2098. I'm so sorry.

2099. Why are you smiling, Annie?

2100. It's just... It's just...

2101. It's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly.

2102. And that makes me kind of happy.

2103. I look ugly? No, I don't. I don't really look ugly.

2104. A little bit. You're an ugly crier, but that's okay.

2105. No, I'm not really an ugly crier.

2106. Maybe just a little bit. No.

2107. Just a little bit.

2108. It's just my makeup.

2109. But I still look pretty good.

2110. Rhodes!

2111. Rhodes.

2112. Rhodes.

2113. Come on! Rhodes!

2114. He's ignoring you. Let me. Yes, he is.

2115. Officer! Roll down your window!

2116. Excuse me! Please!

2117. Rhodes, I know you can hear me, and I know you're mad at me,

2118. but I need your help. Please!

2119. You know this guy?

2120. What are you doing?

2121. I just want to get his attention.

2122. Annie! Oh, my God.

2123. Reckless driving!

2124. Annie, my hair! What are you doing?

2125. I'm speeding! You better pull me over!

2126. Really?

2127. Here comes the litter-bug!

2128. Let's see what Marmaduke's doing.

2129. Just texting. Talking on the phone while I'm driving.

2130. Not even using my hands. Oh, hi!

2131. Mmm! Yum! Yum!

2132. Beer!

2133. Yum! Yum! Yum!

2134. Idiot.

2135. Hey, what's up, man?

2136. I don't care. I don't care.

2137. I'm going to hurl. I feel really sick, Annie!

2138. Hey, who's driving that car?

2139. Can we go up now?

2140. That's not clever.

2141. Hey!

2142. I'm topless!

2143. I'm totally topless.

2144. Really?

2145. Wow. Unbelievable.

2146. What the fuck are you doing?

2147. I don't know.

2148. Hey! Are you crazy?

2149. Are you crazy?

2150. All of that stuff, that would have been dangerous for a good driver.

2151. I'm sorry. I just... I really need your help.

2152. We can't find Lillian.

2153. How long has she been gone?

2154. She's been missing for 12 hours.

2155. 12 hours?

2156. It's not a missing person until it's at least 24 hours.

2157. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours.

2158. Let me get on with my job, Annie.

2159. Nathan, please?

2160. I really need your help.

2161. Please, Nathan.

2162. Who is this one?

2163. This is Helen. I'm Helen.

2164. What?

2165. It's Helen.

2166. Hello, Helen. I've heard wonderful things.

2167. Okay, thanks, buddy. Bye-bye.

2168. Okay, we've traced her cell phone

2169. to the corner of Craner and Rose.

2170. Do you know where that is?

2171. Yes. That is her apartment.

2172. I thought you said you looked there.

2173. We did. We did. Last night.

2174. Okay.

2175. So you're saying she's at her apartment? That's what you're telling me?

2176. She must have gone back after you left.

2177. God, that was crazy of her.

2178. Thank God! Thank you. Let's go. Let's go.

2179. Okay.

2180. We found her!

2181. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to waste your time.

2182. That's embarrassing.

2183. Thank you. No, you are welcome.

2184. It's this kind of high-octane stuff

2185. that really made me want to become a cop.

2186. "Missing girl found at her apartment."

2187. It's...

2188. It's adrenalin-pinching.

2189. It's nice to see you.

2190. I'm glad that you got your taillights fixed.

2191. Means I won't have to stop you again.

2192. Okay.

2193. Annie, let's go.

2194. Anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment.

2195. Bye-bye.

2196. Bye.

2197. Do you mind actually if I go by myself?

2198. Sure. Okay.

2199. Lil?

2200. Lillian?

2201. Lil?

2202. Go away.

2203. What happened?

2204. This whole wedding is fucked up.

2205. Helen just took over everything, and

2206. everything's got out of control.

2207. And my dad can't afford the wedding.

2208. This has been really hard to do without you.

2209. It's been shitty.

2210. I'm sorry.

2211. Nope. I'm sorry.

2212. I'm sorry I kicked you out of my wedding.

2213. It's my fault.

2214. No, it's my fault.

2215. I think I'm the one with the mental problems.

2216. Yeah, wasn't it my turn to be crazy?

2217. The bride's supposed to be crazy.

2218. Yes, technically.

2219. You kind of stole all the crazy. I out-crazied you.

2220. Everything's going to be okay.

2221. Yeah? How do you know that?

2222. I left the rehearsal dinner last night.

2223. I told Dougie I had to go get Q-tips.

2224. And

2225. all of a sudden, I realized I was driving here.

2226. I came here.

2227. I realized this is the last time I'm going to be here

2228. in this apartment

2229. with that couch,

2230. and this bed,

2231. and take a bath in my bathtub.

2232. Because you know how much I love my bathtub.

2233. It's a good tub.

2234. I slept in there on my 30th birthday, remember? Uh-huh.

2235. Everything's gonna change.

2236. I mean, I'm not going to get to

2237. live five minutes away from you.

2238. And it makes me so sad.

2239. Well, don't be.

2240. Don't be sad. Because things are going to change,

2241. but they'll be better.

2242. You know?

2243. You're gonna take this huge, great, beautiful step.

2244. And Dougie loves you more than anything.

2245. And so do I.

2246. But what about you? What's gonna happen to you?

2247. I'm gonna be fine.

2248. So don't worry, okay? I'm gonna be...

2249. I'm gonna be fine.

2250. I am fine.

2251. And besides, you need to blaze the trail for me.

2252. And then report back and tell me what's coming.

2253. Whatever you say, boss.

2254. All right, let's get your dress on,

2255. okay, and let's go to your wedding.

2256. Oh, yeah.

2257. That's the other problem.

2258. Don't you dare laugh.

2259. Okay.

2260. I cannot wear this dress!

2261. Okay, don't panic.

2262. This is a nightmare.

2263. We'll fix it.

2264. We'll tweak it.

2265. I will not let you walk down that aisle

2266. unless you look perfect and beautiful, I promise.

2267. Do you have a chainsaw and a blowtorch?

2268. I think this wedding is gonna be a disaster.

2269. No, don't say that.

2270. If Helen had anything to do with this wedding,

2271. it is going to be perfect and tasteful and beautiful.

2272. That's true.

2273. Will you, Douglas, take Lillian to be your wife?

2274. Will you love her, comfort her, and keep her

2275. and, forsaking all others, remain true to her

2276. as long as you both shall live?

2277. I do.

2278. And will you, Lillian, take Douglas to be your husband?

2279. Will you love him, comfort him, and keep him

2280. as long as you both shall live?

2281. I do.

2282. By the powers vested in me by the state of Illinois,

2283. I pronounce you husband and wife.

2284. You may now kiss the bride.

2285. Ladies and gentlemen,

2286. here with us tonight is Lillian's favorite band singing her favorite song.

2287. Put your hands together for Wilson Phillips!

2288. Hi, everybody!

2289. How we doing tonight?

2290. I am not paying for this shit.

2291. Really?

2292. It's the last one, I promise.

2293. The last one. The last one.

2294. I know this pain

2295. Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

2296. No one can change your life except for you

2297. Don't ever let anyone step all over you

2298. Just open your heart and your mind

2299. Is it really fair to feel

2300. This way inside

2301. Someday somebody's gonna make you

2302. want to turn around and say goodbye

2303. Until then, baby, are you going to let them

2304. hold you down and make you cry?

2305. Don't you know

2306. Don't you know things can change

2307. Things'll go your way

2308. If you hold on for one more day

2309. Can you hold on for one more day?

2310. Things'll go your way

2311. Hold on for one more day

2312. You could sustain

2313. Or are you comfortable with the pain?

2314. You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness

2315. No, baby

2316. You got yourself into your own mess

2317. Letting your worries pass you by

2318. Baby

2319. Don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind?

2320. No, no

2321. Someday somebody's gonna make you

2322. want to turn around and say goodbye

2323. Until then, baby, are you going to let them

2324. hold you down and make you cry?

2325. What's so funny?

2326. I put a loaded gun in Dougie's carry-on.

2327. The TSA is going to just rip his ass apart.

2328. Annie?

2329. Oh. Hey.

2330. Did you have a nice evening?

2331. It was beautiful. Yeah.

2332. What did you think of the wedding?

2333. It was...

2334. It was great.

2335. It was great, right? Yeah.

2336. It was perfect.

2337. It was great.

2338. Yeah, it was great.

2339. It was really nice meeting you.

2340. Yeah, it was...

2341. Helen, it was really nice meeting you, too.

2342. Hey, you know, maybe

2343. sometime the three of us could go to Rockin' Sushi together.

2344. Thank you, Annie.

2345. I would love that.

2346. Your ride is here.

2347. Hey, how did everything go?

2348. Strangely well.

2349. Good.

2350. So, I ate your cake

2351. that you left.

2352. You did? Yeah.

2353. I mean, I had to fight some raccoons off.

2354. But that's okay. I'm pretty strong and tough,

2355. so it wasn't much of a contest.

2356. So that might have been...

2357. I'm just going to kiss you now rather than just...

2358. Officer Rhodes, please report to...

2359. Oh! I'm on duty.

2360. And I need to put my uniform on.

2361. If I drive like this, they're gonna think I just stole a car,

2362. which wouldn't be great.

2363. You could ride with me if you want.

2364. You want to come? Yeah, I do.

2365. Come on.

2366. All right.

2367. Whoa! Whoa! Where are you going?

2368. I'm getting in the car.

2369. No, no, no, you got to get in the back. What?

2370. You can't sit in the front, it's against regulations.

2371. Come on. Come on.

2372. You're going to make me sit in the back seat?

2373. Yeah, come on.

2374. Sorry. Habit.

2375. All right.

2376. It's a force of habit.

2377. Can I please get in the front seat?

2378. Actually, no, I'm afraid there's a warrant out for your arrest.

2379. What? Why?

2380. Reckless driving, littering, texting,

2381. consuming alcohol while operating a vehicle.

2382. You didn't think I was going to

2383. let you get away with that, did you?

2384. Could we put the siren on? Please?

2385. Thank you.

2386. I know that there is pain

2387. But you hold on for one more day

2388. And you break free from the chains

2389. Yeah, I know that there is pain

2390. But you hold on for one more day

2391. And you break free, break from the chains

2392. Someday somebody's gonna make you

2393. want to turn around and say goodbye

2394. Until then, baby, are you going to let them

2395. hold you down and make you cry?

2396. Don't you know

2397. Don't you know things can change

2398. Things'll go your way

2399. If you hold on

2400. Okay. Umm...

2401. This is Tape 119.

2402. Air Marshall Jon and I's first sexual encounter.

2403. Is there a hungry bear anywhere?

2404. I'm a hungry bear.

2405. I just happen to have this bear sandwich.

2406. Is there a hungry bear?

2407. I'm a very hungry bear.

2408. Did you see how my flap opens?

2409. Yeah, that's a good-looking bear sandwich.

2410. Yeah, that's a big bear sandwich.

2411. Do you want a bite of that sandwich? Feed me.

2412. It's meat and cheeses.

2413. Uh-oh.

2414. I hope you don't have a salad. Oh, yeah.

2415. Hey, guess what. Guess what, ham.

2416. Fuck it up.

2417. I'm gonna fuck you up, ham nipple.

2418. Ham nipple. Fuck it up.

2419. A little hard.

2420. Ow!

2421. A little hard. A little hard.