Bowfinger (1999)

1. Bowfinger International Pictures.

2. Hi, this is Cherisse from AT&T.

3. We were wondering if your payment for $5.43 has gone astray.

4. Could you call us?

5. Remember, we don't need access to your home

6. to disconnect your phone.

7. Wow.

8. Great script.

9. Great script.

10. Betsy, it's now or never.

11. We are going to make a movie.

12. Bowfinger International Pictures.

13. It's Carol. How do I say this?

14. I have an offer to go to Edmonton to do Cats.

15. It's a small role, but I have to take it.

16. You keep promising me work...

17. No!

18. But it's been 8 months.

19. Don't take that job.

20. We're going to make a movie.

21. You've said that before.

22. I know.

23. Just be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

24. I can't afford it. Please.

25. But you always...

26. This is Dave. Beep coming.

27. Can you get me a Mercedes tomorrow?

28. And find out when and where Jerry Renfro is having lunch.

29. Just do it. Don't think about it.

30. You're my buddy.

31. Come on.

32. Hello?

33. Afrim, it's Bowfinger.

34. Great script. It is?

35. Just great.

36. Your accounting days are over.

37. He likes my script!

38. He likes my script!

39. Just be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

40. Yes, boss. 10:00 a.m.

41. Slater? Who's this?

42. Bowfinger. Bye.

43. Don't hang up!

44. Just be here tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

45. Oh, man, that's early.

46. Big meeting, 10:00 a.m.

47. Please?

48. You believe in me, don't you, Betsy?

49. First of all, thank you for coming.

50. I know things have been a little slow.

51. Very slow.

52. Slow and low.

53. Let him speak.

54. But we are not the big guys.

55. We are the little guys.

56. We never had muscle before.

57. But now, we do.

58. Because last night I read a screenplay

59. that every studio will want.

60. How did we get this screenplay?

61. From Afrim here, a fine writer,

62. as well as accountant and part-time receptionist.

63. I said, "Afrim, if you can write as well as you add..."

64. I didn't even have to finish my sentence.

65. Twelve days later

66. he hands me this masterpiece.

67. Thank you, boss.

68. Tell them the title.

69. Chubby Rain.

70. What?

71. Chubby Rain. Tell them why.

72. The aliens come down to Earth in raindrops.

73. Yeah.

74. Making the raindrops chubby.

75. Aliens in raindrops. Chubby Rain.

76. And at the end

77. our hero, Keith Kincaid,

78. looks up at the alien antenna and says, "Gotcha, suckas!"

79. I mean, that is a moment.

80. I don't know.

81. Give me a day to close the deal.

82. If I don't, you can leave.

83. Come here. Come here.

84. See that FedEx truck?

85. Every day, it delivers important papers to people.

86. One day, it is going to stop here

87. and a man will walk up

88. and casually toss some FedExes on my desk.

89. And at that moment, we and by "we," I mean "me"

90. will be important.

91. Wow.

92. Now, today, I have a very important meeting

93. with Jerry Renfro.

94. If it goes the way I think it will

95. I will see you

96. at the Oscars.

97. (WHISTLING) Good job, Dave.

98. You have to bring it back in 45 minutes.

99. Has Renfro left?

100. Yeah.

101. He should be at the restaurant.

102. If this meeting goes well, you're cameraman.

103. You know what that means?

104. You're living up to your promise?

105. That's right.

106. And if this movie gets made, I'm giving you my van.

107. It is my van.

108. Hi.

109. Can you seat me next to Jerry Renfro?

110. Thank you.

111. Tony, how are you?

112. Say the deal back to me.

113. Net net?

114. If I'm putting $85 million into an avalanche movie

115. I want to know where the snow is,

116. and what asshole will direct.

117. We need a director.

118. Get me a list.

119. The star has to be international.

120. I need an international star.

121. Who's the star, Ed?

122. Kit Ramsey?

123. Kit Ramsey is the hottest,

124. sexiest action star in the world.

125. When I think of Kit Ramsey in this movie,

126. I get comfortable.

127. I won't bid against...

128. Even if Kit Ramsey's interested, we may not want Kit Ramsey.

129. Can you believe this? Now they're telling us who to cast.

130. Get me Kit.

131. Get me Kit right now.

132. You don't put me on hold.

133. I put you on hold.

134. Put me on hold, you're dead.

135. Jerry, hi. Bobby Bowfinger, Bowfinger Films.

136. We worked on that thing together.

137. What thing?

138. The, uh, famous movie.

139. Oh, hi, Kit. How are you?

140. My man!

141. How's Delores?

142. Good.

143. You are first in line for the script.

144. You can't be more first.

145. Can I talk to him?

146. Can I talk to Kit?

147. Absolutely. Hey, Kit.

148. I have a surprise for you.

149. Kit?

150. I'm losing you.

151. Bad line?

152. These telephones are so bad.

153. Universal is begging me for this script.

154. But I don't want to give it to them. They screwed me once.

155. You should look at it.

156. It starts nice.

157. It does, doesn't it?

158. "Gotcha, suckas!"

159. What a catchphrase.

160. Isn't it good?

161. I just saw the poster.

162. Let's be risky today. I'm going with this.

163. Bring me this script and Kit Ramsey

164. and you got a go picture, Bobby.

165. Okay. Thanks.

166. I love what you do.

167. Here's my card.

168. Just keep that.

169. What was that?

170. A go picture!

171. A go picture!

172. Do you know anyone who knows Kit Ramsey?

173. I'm the biggest black action star in the world!

174. Where's my "Hasta la vista, baby"?

175. What?

176. My "Hasta la vista."

177. If Arnold Schwarzen cracker gets lines like that

178. then I deserve equally well written shit!

179. The script has that moment.

180. When?

181. You say, "I enjoyed meeting you, Cliff"

182. and push the guy off the cliff.

183. That's too much for the audience to think about!

184. The guy's name is Cliff,

185. he's on a cliff, it's too cerebral!

186. We're making a movie, not a film!

187. You're the agent!

188. I want a line as good as when

189. I told Tommy Lee Jones "Fuck you!" and blew his brains out.

190. You know what's happening here?

191. It's another example of the white man taking the best catchphrases

192. and giving them to Arnold or Stallone.

193. And Jackie Chan and Van Damme.

194. They can't even speak English good!

195. And there's some covert shit going on.

196. I just found out the other day.

197. Come in here!

198. Come on! Everybody!

199. What is it?

200. I scanned the script to see how many times the letter "K"

201. appears in it.

202. The letter "K" appears in this script 1,456 times.

203. That's perfectly divisible by 3.

204. So what are you saying?

205. What am I saying?

206. "KKK" appears in this script 486 times!

207. Kit...

208. It's deep! The sickness is deep!

209. He's playing you. I've been played.

210. That's not the case.

211. This is a great script.

212. It's not Shakespeare, but...

213. What did you say?

214. I said, it's not Shakespeare...

215. It's no shake... Did you hear what he's doing?

216. He's doing something.

217. I just can't put my finger on it.

218. What's he doing?

219. Shakespeare, Freddy!

220. Shake-a-spear. Spear-chucker.

221. I'm a spear-chucker now.

222. You calling me a spear-chucker?

223. I didn't say that!

224. Oh, it's my imagination.

225. And they didn't put a chip in La Toya Jackson's brain.

226. She just acts like that.

227. And Teddy Kennedy ain't 1/16th black.

228. He's not like the other Kennedys!

229. He looks different!

230. I have to make some calls.

231. Yeah, go call Arnold and Sly

232. and Van Damme and Jackie Chan!

233. Tell them the spear-chucker said hello!

234. Get my door as fast as you get to Tom Hanks!

235. Who are you?

236. Script delivery from Paramount.

237. Paramount ain't sending me any scripts.

238. I meant Universal.

239. Oh. Maybe so.

240. You have to sign.

241. I ain't signing shit.

242. It's all good.

243. This script is buttah.

244. Buttah, it's buttah.

245. It's all good.

246. It's jiggy, baby.

247. How do you know it's jiggy?

248. I read it.

249. You read my script? Yes!

250. I loved it.

251. It's science fiction, which we know sells.

252. Shut up. Shut up. Listen to me.

253. Don't you read my stuff.

254. Now get off the property.

255. I just got a little excited.

256. I'm off to my Mind Head meeting.

257. Mind Head?

258. Mind Head?

259. Mind Head! You need a lift?

260. Mind Head! I can't believe it.

261. Get in!

262. Thank you. What a coincidence!

263. Who's your guide? Terry Stricter.

264. Yours?

265. Ray.

266. It's people like you who give Mind Head a bad name,

267. you lying sack of shit!

268. Read the script! I'm a big time producer with clout!

269. MAN ON P.A.: Welcome to Mind Head.

270. Welcome to Mind Head.

271. Welcome to Mind Head.

272. Welcome to Mind Head.

273. Welcome to Mind Head.

274. It seems as though you are doing much better.

275. Yes. Yes.

276. Your paranoia is definitely under control

277. since you came to understand happy premise number one.

278. Happy premise number one, there are no aliens.

279. Happy premise number two?

280. Happy premise number two,

281. there is no giant foot trying to squash me.

282. Happy premise number three.

283. Happy premise number three,

284. though I feel like I might ignite, I probably won't.

285. So what do we do?

286. Keep it together.

287. Keep it together. Keep it together.

288. And what is it we don't do, under any circumstances?

289. Oh, man.

290. What is it?

291. I have to show it to the Laker Girls.

292. You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.

293. Keep Mr. Weenie in the pants.

294. Always in the pants.

295. I know you want to show it to the Laker Girls

296. but you must never show it to the Laker Girls.

297. Well?

298. What did he say?

299. Betsy, come here.

300. Come here.

301. Sit.

302. Come.

303. Sit.

304. Good girl! Come here.

305. What a good girl.

306. Is she amazing or what?

307. What did he say?

308. All right.

309. Okay. Okay.

310. I'm meeting with Jerry Renfro and it's going very well.

311. But I'm looking at him and thinking,

312. I don't need him.

313. What I need

314. is someone like a Kit Ramsey.

315. Kit Ramsey makes this a go picture.

316. So I went to see Kit at his home.

317. Oh, my God.

318. And what did he say?

319. What did who say?

320. What did Kit Ramsey say? What did Kit Ramsey say?

321. Okay.

322. So, I'm meeting with Kit at his home...

323. Oh, and he knew who I was.

324. Big fan.

325. And I gave him the script and he looked at the script.

326. And I said, "Well?

327. "Are you interested in doing this movie?"

328. And

329. Kit looked at me,

330. and he said...

331. Kit

332. just

333. said

334. "Yes."

335. Kit Ramsey said "yes"?

336. Kit Ramsey is doing this movie!

337. You told them we'd make the movie?

338. That's right. I did.

339. You have to tell them.

340. Tell them what?

341. We're not making it.

342. What?

343. Dave, I made them a promise.

344. But Kit Ramsey said "no."

345. You think I haven't thought about that?

346. We will make the movie with Kit Ramsey, except...

347. Except what?

348. He won't know he's in it.

349. What?

350. We secretly film him.

351. Our actors walk up to him and say their lines.

352. He's in our movie.

353. And we don't have to pay him.

354. What will he say?

355. Who cares?

356. It's an action movie.

357. All he has to do is run.

358. He runs from the aliens.

359. He runs to the aliens.

360. Let me show you something.

361. I have this all worked out, I think.

362. Kit is in six scenes.

363. He's not in the other scenes,

364. so we shoot those with our actors on our own time.

365. And, bingo! We have a movie.

366. That's crazy.

367. Yeah, but we're desperate.

368. Why not just wait until a star wants to be in it?

369. Dave, I'm 49 years old.

370. Admittedly, I could get away with 44, 41.

371. Maybe 38.

372. But when you hit 50, they don't hire you.

373. It's like they can smell 50.

374. What's that?

375. When I was ten, I knew I wanted to make movies.

376. So I started putting away $1 every week of my life.

377. If I missed a week, I made it up later.

378. From age ten on.

379. And now

380. you're looking at enough to get us started. $2,184.

381. But movies cost millions of dollars.

382. That's after gross, net, deduction, profit, percentage,

383. deferment, ten percent of the nut.

384. Cash? Every movie costs $2,184.

385. Where do I go to be an actress?

386. Okay, that was nice.

387. We have your photos and we'll call you when we decide.

388. I have new photos.

389. No, these are good.

390. You hated me. No, you were good.

391. Very good.

392. She was good.

393. She had the personality of a Kansas zip code.

394. She didn't have "it."

395. What's "it"?

396. "It" is a special quality.

397. It's when you cannot take your eyes off a person.

398. Every word, every gesture you're interested in.

399. Do I have "it"?

400. I'm sorry. What?

401. Do I have "it"?

402. Yes, you do.

403. I thought I did.

404. Next. Who's next?

405. Is this where I go to be a star?

406. This is where you go to sacrifice, learn your craft

407. and work hard.

408. Does that take more than a week?

409. I gave myself a week.

410. That's this office.

411. Okay, we'll take a chance.

412. See if you have "it."

413. See if you have a special quality.

414. See if you have the illusion of the first time.

415. Where do I pay? It's $25, right?

416. A check?

417. I have I.D.

418. A less solid company might take a check, but we only take cash.

419. But I don't have any cash on me.

420. I have cash

421. but the banks aren't open, and...

422. There, there, there. There's the door.

423. I'm sorry, we can't let you audition.

424. But I just arrived from Ohio.

425. Sorry.

426. Sorry.

427. There. There you go.

428. Good-bye.

429. She looked good.

430. I mean, like she could act.

431. Yeah, but if they don't pay to audition, it's dangerous.

432. How?

433. If she gets cast, she might want to be paid.

434. But she had "it."

435. Look, I didn't make the system.

436. Okay. If you want the responsibility, fine.

437. I talked it over with the man.

438. He'll take a check.

439. He will? Yes.

440. He listens to you?

441. Yeah.

442. I could never be with you, Todd.

443. I'm loyal to Keith.

444. I'm loyal to him.

445. I could never, never kiss you.

446. Okay, that was very good.

447. Let's try it again,

448. Slater, this time without the erection.

449. Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger!

450. Thank you!

451. Thank you!

452. Afrim, we need a crew and I want the best damn crew we can afford.

453. In here! In here!

454. Come on! In here!

455. Welcome to America! Welcome to America!

456. So happy to meet you.

457. This will be great.

458. I can tell you know what you're doing.

459. Glad to have you aboard.

460. We just closed Kit's deal!

461. Typical deal points.

462. Name over the title,

463. we get one take with Kit.

464. One take?

465. He doesn't want to see the camera.

466. How come?

467. It's how he works.

468. He's so into his character,

469. seeing the camera breaks his concentration.

470. When do we start?

471. We have the contract, so we start tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

472. Yeah!

473. What is it?

474. I wish you could see what I see.

475. What do you see, boss?

476. The most promising group of young professionals

477. I've ever worked with.

478. Hey, Cliff.

479. Morning, Dave.

480. Good camera. Yeah.

481. It goes back each night or it's a felony.

482. Years you'd get. You'd get.

483. Daisy, come here.

484. What if Daisy said, "It's a tough world," not "rough world"?

485. Fine. Slater, the briefcase.

486. Why bring his briefcase if I'm worried?

487. It's a metaphor for the relationship.

488. It's a symbol.

489. Shouldn't I be in this scene?

490. I could lurk behind a bush.

491. No! Come on! Come on!

492. Okay, this is it! Places, everyone!

493. Roll! Speed! Marker!

494. Don't let him see the camera.

495. And action.

496. Go, Daisy!

497. Back to Daisy!

498. Keith, you forgot your briefcase!

499. Keith! You're upset!

500. One slip up in your tough, crime filled world

501. and you could die!

502. Keith!

503. Keith!

504. Keith.

505. Is your name Keith?

506. No, I'm Jimmy.

507. But thanks for asking.

508. And, cut!

509. We got our first shot!

510. Okay, here it comes.

511. Come on. Work, baby, work!

512. Keith, you forgot your briefcase!

513. You're upset!

514. One slip up

515. in your tough, crime filled world and you could die!

516. It worked.

517. It looked like Daisy came out of the house.

518. This movie will work!

519. Dave, did you wash my car?

520. I'm working on it.

521. Okay, one scene down.

522. Yeah? Bowfinger.

523. Here's what I got.

524. Kit and his agent will be at the Rodeo Grille tomorrow at 12:45.

525. Will we be there?

526. You bet. You're a genius.

527. Can you see over there?

528. Can you see Kit?

529. Am I trying for you?

530. You're trying, but I know I ain't gonna

531. be treated like Mighty Whitey.

532. I put 25 years in the theater before coming to Hollywood.

533. Carol?

534. We're almost ready.

535. Why can't I meet the man I'm going to be working with?

536. He wants to impress you and he needs total concentration.

537. Oh, that's just young.

538. I'd like to work with someone who's honed his craft.

539. Yes, but now we need that scene.

540. You'll get your scene.

541. He may not be a professional.

542. But I am.

543. Oh, Carol.

544. White boys get all the Oscars.

545. Yes, but...

546. Did I get nominated? No.

547. 'Cause I won't play them slave roles.

548. Then you get nominated.

549. Black dude plays a slave, gets nominated.

550. White boy play an idiot, he gets the Oscar.

551. Find a script with a retarded slave.

552. Then I get the Oscar.

553. I'm going to go schmooze.

554. Be right back.

555. Yeah, go find that script.

556. Buck, the wonder slave.

557. Here we go!

558. Sound!

559. Lights!

560. Roll it.

561. When you left Phoenix, it wasn't to raise soybeans!

562. You had to get away! Why?

563. Because you wanted me and it burned inside you?

564. Excuse me? Come back to Phoenix.

565. Stop this madness!

566. Let me in on your mission.

567. Do you know who I am?

568. You're Keith Kincaid.

569. You came down from Wyoming with your damn UFOs.

570. You bastard!

571. Bastard! Bastard!

572. Because you prefer alien love!

573. Alien love? Why did you say that?

574. I must get my umbrella.

575. You triggered the voices!

576. Freddy!

577. Take me to Terry Stricter!

578. Now!

579. We got it!

580. Strange people are coming to me,

581. speaking in Jupiterian or Venutian or something.

582. Strangers come up to you and you don't understand them.

583. What is that?

584. Maybe they're fans.

585. Crazy fans.

586. They talk to me,

587. but in some secret white language I can't decode!

588. It's horrifying!

589. And what do these crazy people who speak to you

590. and make no sense say?

591. They talk about things I never heard of,

592. people I don't know.

593. Someone named Keith!

594. And aliens and sex and umbrellas.

595. I see.

596. Kit?

597. Do you think you can keep it together?

598. Yes.

599. I'm keeping it together. K-I-T, keep it together.

600. I'm keeping it together.

601. I'm keeping it together!

602. Don't I look together?

603. Have you heard any more voices?

604. No.

605. Well, now and then I hear a voice.

606. I haven't heard voices.

607. And what did this one voice say?

608. As I stand here before you today

609. the Laker Girls cheerleading squad

610. needs to be taken down a peg or two.

611. You know, last night was really special.

612. It was. I've never done it lying down before.

613. You know, next time...

614. Yeah?

615. I think I'd like to do it with just two condoms.

616. Well, if I was in the movie more, yeah.

617. If I was in the movie more,

618. we'd be equals and I'd trust you more.

619. We have lots of scenes together.

620. I love our scenes.

621. But I should have more scenes with Kit.

622. If I had more scenes with Kit,

623. that would pump up our scenes.

624. Afrim would be in charge of that.

625. He's the screenwriter.

626. So, the writer's in charge of that?

627. I have the pages.

628. What pages?

629. The new pages.

630. I think if Daisy had more scenes with Kit, it would,

631. uh, pump up the scenes with Slater.

632. So I wrote more scenes for Daisy and Kit.

633. Some hot scenes where there is, uh, heat and chemistry.

634. But...

635. You see, these new hot scenes,

636. in which Daisy exposes her breasts

637. will increase sales in Thailand.

638. Daisy agreed to this?

639. Yes. Though I haven't talked to her.

640. Baby.

641. Hi.

642. Hello.

643. "A vixen in stretch pants.

644. "What man wouldn't want a hot virgin?"

645. Okay.

646. You'll do this?

647. And if it's artistic and says something about reality.

648. And if it's in character and not just...

649. (PHONE RINGS) Right, right, right, right.

650. Bowfinger International Pictures, may I direct your call?

651. Oh, hi.

652. Kit's at Mind Head.

653. He could be leaving soon.

654. Kit feels he's ready to shoot the parking lot scene.

655. I love the way this guy works!

656. Keep it together.

657. Keep it together.

658. Keep it together.

659. And, cut!

660. Did you get that?

661. Nice.

662. What did you see? Fear.

663. Fear. Mostly fear.

664. Some insane looks.

665. Insane looks!

666. Betsy!

667. You are such a good girl!

668. Good, good girl!

669. Okay, let's get Carol and shoot the other side of this masterpiece.

670. He's brilliant.

671. He is.

672. His fear is so real.

673. It's like it's actually happening.

674. We work really well together.

675. That's what he said.

676. Bastard!

677. Darling.

678. I respect Kit's way of working,

679. the no rehearsal, no contact off screen

680. but it's just so traditional

681. to meet the person you work with.

682. You can't meet because we're not doing anything traditional.

683. We're working in a new style.

684. It's, uh, cinéma nouveau.

685. Cinéma nouveau.

686. It felt so good today to quit my job.

687. I told them, "I'm a screenwriter now."

688. They said, "You have eight brothers and four sisters.

689. "How will you earn money?"

690. I said, "This is more important."

691. Bobby Bowfinger has given me a chance and I'm going to take it.

692. You are a great writer.

693. I love my new scenes.

694. They're great.

695. Will they go in?

696. That's up to Bowfinger.

697. It is?

698. That's sharp.

699. Do the thing.

700. I'll look good in that.

701. It's bad.

702. Take care of it, send it up to my house.

703. Mr. Ramsey, the store would like to give you these clothes without charge

704. if you'd come back Friday

705. and let us photograph you in the clothes for L.A. Style.

706. I can do that.

707. It'll cost you $1,000, though.

708. That can be arranged.

709. Okay. $100 bills.

710. Right.

711. I know I shouldn't be doing this

712. but I had to say you were so real responding to the aliens.

713. I wasn't even sure I could be a pod person.

714. But now I'm enjoying it,

715. because you made the aliens come alive.

716. And at first I was nervous about us having sex,

717. but now I think it's fine,

718. as long as we do it in a professional manner.

719. Of course, there will be people watching.

720. I won't bother you anymore.

721. He's in the grotto.

722. What did this alien want from you?

723. To inhale my gonads.

724. What?

725. Aliens come down and shake your hand, but really

726. they're inhaling your gonads and taking them back to their world for research.

727. I stopped the sports channel.

728. No encoded beams from Jupiter will mess with my mind.

729. Keep it together.

730. Kit?

731. Maybe you should stay with us for a few days.

732. In our special celebrity relaxing quarters.

733. You think I need that?

734. I do.

735. Get my checkbook.

736. Keep it together.

737. We can't find Kit.

738. What?

739. He's one of the most famous faces in the world.

740. You can find him.

741. We can't.

742. We staked out his house, Mind Head, everywhere.

743. He's vanished.

744. We can't shoot our movie without him.

745. Actors have no work ethic these days.

746. That cult controls him.

747. There must be guys who look like Kit.

748. We'll get a look-alike for the long shots.

749. Kit showed his ass in 8 of his last 10 films

750. and those 8 films were hits.

751. So we need a guy with a great ass.

752. Mine is the wrong color.

753. I studied at the Moscow Art Theater for 2 years

754. then went to the National in London.

755. I'm currently doing Waiting for Godot here in L.A.

756. Are you in the union?

757. Yes, I am.

758. Currently, I'm working at the Burger King on Douglas.

759. Have you any experience in film?

760. Yes, quite a bit.

761. I have a lot of experience.

762. I'm an active renter at Blockbuster

763. and I attend the Film du Cinema

764. as much as possible.

765. Weekly, bi-weekly, inter-weekly, intermediately.

766. Would you mind cutting your hair?

767. Yes, but it's usually better if someone else does it.

768. I've had a few accidents.

769. Can you see without your glasses?

770. Well, yeah, I can see.

771. I don't see well, but I can see.

772. Do you have contacts?

773. I have contact lenses.

774. I can wear them.

775. That will help.

776. Can I put my glasses back on?

777. Sure.

778. I'm getting a headache.

779. Would you be willing to show your naked rear end in a movie?

780. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

781. This is hard.

782. Just one more question.

783. In addition to being a major star in this film,

784. would you be willing to run errands?

785. I've been hoping to get a career running errands.

786. That would be a major boost.

787. What was your name?

788. Jeffernson. Jeffernson?

789. But my friends call me Jiff.

790. Jiff, welcome aboard.

791. Here's your wardrobe.

792. All right!

793. All right! Awesome!

794. Awesome.

795. All right.

796. How do you feel?

797. Kind of strange.

798. You look good.

799. Tough. I do?

800. Yeah, like an action star.

801. Shoulders out.

802. Take a good, deep breath.

803. Suck it in. That's good.

804. Now, look.

805. In this scene, you're hurting inside.

806. You're not sure who to trust.

807. You want to run to your beloved.

808. Hi, I'm Daisy.

809. Hi. How are you?

810. So when I yell "action," you run from point A, there

811. to point B, over here.

812. That seems kind of hard.

813. Think of it as an errand.

814. Your errand is to run across the freeway.

815. I get it.

816. But isn't that a little dangerous?

817. No.

818. We have stuntmen doing the driving.

819. You'll be completely safe.

820. Oh, stuntmen.

821. That's how they do it.

822. I wondered how they did that.

823. Stunt drivers.

824. Ready to do one?

825. Yeah. They're going really fast.

826. Yeesh.

827. Action!

828. Come on, Jiff!

829. Action!

830. Action!

831. Action!

832. Action!

833. Cut!

834. Heavenly Father! Heavenly Father!

835. That was great! You were great!

836. Wasn't he great?

837. Congratulations! That was so good!

838. I don't want to do this anymore!

839. What?

840. I just want to run errands. Heavenly God!

841. Not many people can do what you just did.

842. The stunt drivers were very impressed.

843. Weren't they?

844. Really?

845. Okay, we got an errand for you to do.

846. Really?

847. Go to Starbucks.

848. I can do that. Get coffee for everyone.

849. I would love to get coffee.

850. Only you can do it.

851. I want to get the coffee now.

852. But first, let's do this once more.

853. Heavenly God! Heavenly God!

854. Good work.

855. Can I talk to you about the new scenes?

856. I haven't decided about them.

857. Can we talk about them?

858. Okay.

859. I mean, tonight?

860. Oh, oh. Okay.

861. I'll be right there!

862. I'm so tired of going out.

863. I thought we'd eat here.

864. I know the maitre d' at the Ivy.

865. That's so trendy.

866. Do you like Vienna sausages?

867. Yeah.

868. Do you smell burning hair?

869. Good wine.

870. You can drink and drink and not get drunk.

871. What are some of your favorite shows?

872. I love The Flintstones. Me, too!

873. It's so good. Okay.

874. Do you like walks in the park?

875. In the rain!

876. I want you to see The Music Man.

877. I've seen it! I love it!

878. Isn't Robert Preston good?

879. Yes! Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?

880. I love to do that!

881. Do you like shiatsu massage?

882. I love you so much!

883. I love you.

884. I'm so alive!

885. I've never been alive until now.

886. Never till now.

887. I worry about our age difference.

888. Age is just a state of mind.

889. That's right.

890. Who cares if you're 70 when I hit my sexual peak?

891. It's Bogie and Bacall.

892. Who?

893. I promise to never play mind games with your head.

894. You are so today.

895. I want to make love to you! I do, too!

896. I want you so much!

897. But I worry.

898. Our love is bigger than worry.

899. I worry about the scenes. Scenes?

900. If we're filming the new scenes.

901. It's hard to give yourself to a man

902. because it's the woman who's entered, who's violated.

903. I so understand that.

904. The man inside you is part of you.

905. He would not prevent your added scenes from being shot.

906. We're doing the scenes.

907. We're doing them because I love you

908. and you're brilliant and this is your movie.

909. Let me go get ready.

910. I will never use you.

911. I will never abuse your trust.

912. Thank you, Daisy.

913. Not at all.

914. Are we almost ready, people?

915. Dave, do you see the fireplace?

916. Uh-huh.

917. Then we should light the fireplace.

918. Is this a good mark?

919. Sorry.

920. Daisy, my sweetness.

921. Hi. How are you?

922. Hi.

923. Do you want to relax first or shoot?

924. Shoot.

925. You have such a good work ethic.

926. I so admire that.

927. Here's your mark. Is it too small?

928. Are you okay?

929. Okay, this is an important scene.

930. This is one of the hot scenes that is about heat and...

931. Chemistry.

932. Chemistry.

933. So this is the artistic part of the film.

934. That's right, so just give her room.

935. And be sensitive

936. because in this scene, Daisy takes off her blouse.

937. Okay, here's your mark.

938. Now, you're not sure if you love Keith,

939. but you offer yourself to save Earth.

940. Jiff, right here.

941. Start here.

942. And up.

943. And roll sound.

944. Speed.

945. Mark.

946. You're not sure if you love him, but you want to save Earth.

947. Action.

948. Keith, I don't know what's right anymore.

949. I just know I have feelings that make me need you,

950. need you now.

951. Awesome!

952. You're doing great.

953. You're going to be a star.

954. And cut.

955. How's this, boss?

956. What's going on with him?

957. The alien arrival scene is next and Kit hasn't called in.

958. Someone must know where he is.

959. I know where Kit's going to be this afternoon.

960. You do?

961. At 4:00, he'll be at Max clothing store for a photo.

962. Every day I get an offer on this thing.

963. It's a beauty.

964. Not a scratch.

965. I sold three cars for it.

966. You have a great eye for cars.

967. My wife tried to get it in the divorce.

968. That would have hurt.

969. Who got the kids?

970. She did.

971. Wait here a minute.

972. Is the manager in?

973. No, he's home today.

974. How odd.

975. We have a permit to shoot here today.

976. Well, we'll start loading in equipment.

977. Shall I call him?

978. No, I'll call from the cell phone.

979. The guy vacuuming is from the studio.

980. Who's in charge here?

981. I am.

982. You have a permit to film here?

983. Yeah.

984. May I see it?

985. Can I talk to you?

986. You ever thought about acting?

987. This is it.

988. Roll it.

989. Mark.

990. And action.

991. That time away really helped calm my ass.

992. I thought I was cracking up.

993. You ever think there are no conspiracies?

994. Maybe there are no aliens?

995. Everything's as it seems?

996. I tell you, being alone in a chamber was really helpful.

997. So helpful...

998. Freddy, where, Freddy?

999. Hey, you!

1000. Kincaid.

1001. Freddy. Freddy!

1002. You heard me, Kincaid.

1003. Freddy, stop playing!

1004. Nice try, Kincaid.

1005. Freddy. Don't act dumb.

1006. Where's the plutonium?

1007. That plutonium's mine.

1008. It's registered to use for religious purposes.

1009. You actually have plutonium?

1010. He's got plutonium?

1011. Freddy!

1012. Freddy's having his guts replaced with alien hardware.

1013. Alien?

1014. Oh, my God, Keith!

1015. They told me you were dead!

1016. And now you are dead.

1017. Hey!

1018. When you kill a pod person,

1019. another one takes his place!

1020. I won't go in your spaceship!

1021. Keith, I love you!

1022. Get away from me!

1023. Keith, I love you!

1024. Stay with him!

1025. Hi. I came down to see them shoot you today.

1026. Shoot me today?

1027. My darling!

1028. Please, Keith, let me love you!

1029. My darling! Come with me!

1030. Stay with him.

1031. Oh, Keith!

1032. He's coming in here!

1033. Cut!

1034. Lyle, you may have an Emmy, but I don't care.

1035. I need to see the moment you realize he loves you.

1036. He's embroidering for you. Doesn't that affect you?

1037. Kit Ramsey!

1038. Over here! The car's running!

1039. Freddy! Show me your guts!

1040. What you talking about?

1041. Show me your guts, now!

1042. Pod people are everywhere!

1043. Pod people!

1044. Pod!

1045. Come on! Do scene 35!

1046. Keith!

1047. Keith!

1048. Who the hell is Keith?

1049. Open the door!

1050. Go, Freddy!

1051. Keith!

1052. And cut!

1053. I must say, I am becoming more and more impressed

1054. with Mr. Ramsey's acting.

1055. I'm learning a lot from him.

1056. I feel like I haven't done much.

1057. You look like Kit Ramsey. That's talent.

1058. Lots of people can't do that.

1059. Robert De Niro can't look like Kit Ramsey.

1060. He annoys me anyway.

1061. It's just, if I go to the store to get coffee

1062. I know I'm the one getting the coffee.

1063. I got the coffee.

1064. I made sure the napkin was in the bag.

1065. I made sure there was cream and sugar.

1066. I did it.

1067. Me. You know?

1068. It's weird

1069. to get credit for looking like someone.

1070. What is that?

1071. It's a gift.

1072. I don't know how much a gift it is.

1073. I mean, I am his brother.

1074. That's what's great about working with you guys.

1075. Usually when someone learns I'm related to Kit Ramsey

1076. they want to meet him.

1077. I can understand that,

1078. but it feels good now and then to have someone like you for you.

1079. It's great. I feel great.

1080. Uh-huh.

1081. You get along with your brother?

1082. Yeah. We haven't seen him in a while, he's been so busy.

1083. He's cranking them out.

1084. He didn't even come home last Christmas.

1085. I'm sorry.

1086. That's okay.

1087. I'm here with this fantastic group of people

1088. who accept me for who I am,

1089. the poor, stupid brother of a guy everyone loves.

1090. Are you from a show business family?

1091. We're screwed.

1092. We luck into the brother of the world's hottest movie star

1093. and I get a conscience.

1094. Don't be so upset.

1095. Did you hear him? He's an innocent.

1096. He told us he loved us.

1097. I just can't do it.

1098. I have to return the camera.

1099. You'll work it out.

1100. I can't do it.

1101. Citizen Kane.

1102. Apocalypse Now.

1103. Godfather, Dr. Strangelove.

1104. Stanley Kubrick.

1105. A Clockwork Orange.

1106. Mr. Bowfinger.

1107. Mr. Bowfinger, I have something to tell you.

1108. I have something to tell you.

1109. Can I tell mine first?

1110. Okay, what?

1111. Being Kit Ramsey's brother

1112. sometimes has fringe benefits.

1113. How do you mean?

1114. You'll never guess who I had intercourse with in the van.

1115. Isn't that cool?

1116. She gave me the works.

1117. She is the most inventive girl.

1118. Come into my office. Sure.

1119. She is so strong, Mr. Bowfinger.

1120. She's pure power and speed.

1121. Real hot.

1122. Okay, listen.

1123. I have an errand for you.

1124. Go to Starbucks.

1125. I'm with you.

1126. Go to Starbucks and get some coffee.

1127. Bring it back here. Here.

1128. With enough napkins for everyone.

1129. Got it.

1130. Call your brother, find out where he's going today.

1131. Find out where Kit's going.

1132. Find out when he's leaving and where he's going.

1133. Go to a store, buy some pencils.

1134. Buy pencils.

1135. Be sure they're sharp!

1136. Sharp pencils! You got it?

1137. Yeah!

1138. Coffee, napkins, pencils, find out where my brother's going.

1139. Ride like the wind!

1140. I'm gone!

1141. I'm gone!

1142. I want to see you.

1143. We are finished.

1144. Why? You had sex with Jiff.

1145. So?

1146. I never thought of it like that.

1147. See you tonight at 8:00? Okay.

1148. There's someone here to talk to you.

1149. He says it concerns Kit Ramsey.

1150. This is Bob, a level six.

1151. He's been with us four years.

1152. He has something to tell you.

1153. I'm taking her out for a wash, Jack.

1154. We still need the big ending or we don't have a movie.

1155. I know what else we don't have.

1156. What?

1157. Permission.

1158. Tom Cruise didn't know he was in that vampire movie

1159. till two years later.

1160. Hello.

1161. Hi, Jiff.

1162. He's going to Mind Head at 4:45.

1163. Great work, Jiff!

1164. Now we really need those pencils, buddy!

1165. Okay!

1166. See you at the location.

1167. We are about to shoot the final scene of the movie.

1168. I just talked to Kit, he's very excited.

1169. So, know your jobs! Let's go!

1170. We have one hour to get there.

1171. Make sure Slater finished painting the car!

1172. Daisy, let's talk about the scene.

1173. Okay, this is a hard scene for Kit.

1174. He may not want to get in the car with you.

1175. In fact, he'll really resist because of his character.

1176. So you must be persuasive, because...

1177. He doesn't know he's in the movie.

1178. I know what's going on.

1179. I may be from Ohio, but I'm not from Ohio.

1180. I'm not mad.

1181. I'm working, aren't I?

1182. But

1183. who told you?

1184. We're packed and loaded.

1185. Hi, honey.

1186. Sweetie, will you put my makeup case in the van?

1187. Let's hit it.

1188. Anyone want a Frostee Freeze?

1189. Do I look like I want a damn Frostee Freeze?

1190. Holy shit!

1191. Reverse, reverse!

1192. Hold on, hold on!

1193. Man, what the hell...

1194. It's the dead guy!

1195. Oh, please. Please don't let me die.

1196. This is awesome!

1197. It's going down!

1198. It's going down now!

1199. Okay!

1200. Hey, I'm Kit Ramsey!

1201. That's Kit Ramsey!

1202. You know who I am, right?

1203. Please, one at a time. I can't hear you.

1204. I'm 13 on Premiere's power list!

1205. What are you doing?

1206. Tough guys like you don't get far in this world, mister.

1207. We were pursued by alien forces!

1208. Oh, aliens.

1209. I knew I shouldn't have slept with

1210. the alien life form from the star system Neon!

1211. Oh, shit!

1212. My gonads! My gonads!

1213. Keith!

1214. There's only one way out of this!

1215. Follow me!

1216. Kiss you? Now?

1217. Keith, danger really turns you on!

1218. Get in the car.

1219. We must get to the alien antenna before the summer solstice!

1220. You best hurry!

1221. I'm Keith.

1222. That way, Carol! This way!

1223. Hi, Bill. We're here!

1224. Put the tripod there!

1225. We must eat! How will we know if we are starving?

1226. I needed love, but the alien embryos had already...

1227. They're coming up the drive!

1228. Action!

1229. Get out!

1230. There's the alien antenna.

1231. You must go there to yell "Gotcha, suckas!"

1232. If you don't, we will all become pod people!

1233. Cut! Move the camera!

1234. They will impregnate everyone, including the CIA and the FBI!

1235. Once you're set, roll on the stairwell.

1236. In here.

1237. They're all aliens worshipping their false gods.

1238. Come on! No!

1239. Come on! No!

1240. Keith, keep running!

1241. I've got them.

1242. Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

1243. Cut to the stairwell.

1244. It was you I loved.

1245. And I thought about you and your plutonium.

1246. Next shot on the roof.

1247. Bastard! Bastard!

1248. No, I'm Keith!

1249. Bastard!

1250. Stop that! Stop that!

1251. Stop!

1252. Shit!

1253. She was from the planet Neon!

1254. Don't bring that shit over here!

1255. Put that down!

1256. Cut! Okay, outside!

1257. We must run, Keith!

1258. We have only 40 seconds!

1259. Okay, we only need one shot.

1260. Only one thing can stop them now, if you say, "Gotcha, suckas!"

1261. What?

1262. Put your hands right here.

1263. What?

1264. Go!

1265. Cue the pyrotechnics!

1266. Shit! Oh, my God!

1267. It's time!

1268. Look up and say, "Gotcha, suckas!"

1269. Kincaid!

1270. Gotcha, suckas!

1271. Come on, say it.

1272. Come on, say it!

1273. Well,

1274. sometimes the paranoid

1275. are actually being followed.

1276. This film is for Madagascar and Iran,

1277. neither of which accept American copyright law.

1278. Terry! Hi!

1279. I'm Keith Kincaid!

1280. I saved the world!

1281. I saved it.

1282. I have eight brothers, four sisters and no job!

1283. I'm screwed!

1284. There's no movie. I can't believe this!

1285. I wasn't looking for work 'cause I thought I was working.

1286. I showed my breasts on film. For what?

1287. I'm a felon.

1288. I have a cousin who's a lawyer.

1289. I say we take action.

1290. We sue. Sue! Sue!

1291. Carol, what do you think?

1292. I think...

1293. I think it was a beautiful lie.

1294. It could have worked.

1295. What should we do with this?

1296. What is it? Film.

1297. I told them to follow Kit around

1298. and get some random shots.

1299. The trash is outside.

1300. I want to see it.

1301. Why?

1302. We need Kit Ramsey's permission.

1303. Why didn't someone ever mention that to me?

1304. Hold up! Hold up! Hold up!

1305. Serve!

1306. Useless, a tennis playing alien fighter.

1307. Nice work, guys.

1308. Thanks, Mr. Bowfinger.

1309. We used a Pro Mist and tried to open up the aperture

1310. to give him a rim light.

1311. What is he doing?

1312. I think we just got our permission.

1313. Hey, Laker Girls.

1314. It's not funny!

1315. There's not a court in this country

1316. that won't consider this blackmail.

1317. You know what?

1318. I don't know about blackmail.

1319. I'm just a guy with a great film who just needs a shot of Kit saying

1320. "Gotcha, suckas" and some close ups.

1321. Or we'll use Kit wagging his thing at the Laker Girls

1322. which is a great ending.

1323. Though not a good ending for Kit, because it could sort of

1324. stop his money flow and make that family film he's about to do just...

1325. We'll have to think about it.

1326. I mean, we'll have to think about it for Kit.

1327. Now that you've had time to think about it

1328. what do you and the other fellows here at Mind Fu...

1329. Head, think?

1330. Give it up for Kit!

1331. Sir? This way.

1332. Not bad seats.

1333. Not bad seats at all.

1334. CIA operative Todd Delmonico

1335. drove his '53 Buick to meet Keith Kincaid.

1336. Kincaid!

1337. It had rained that day.

1338. But was it normal rain?

1339. Or was it Chubby Rain?

1340. His guts replaced with alien hardware!

1341. Gotcha, suckas!

1342. Hey, you guys!

1343. I want you to meet someone.

1344. This is Farrah.

1345. We met at the premiere.

1346. She's one of the most powerful lesbians in Hollywood.

1347. Bravo! Bravo!

1348. Coppola?

1349. I can't talk to you right now.

1350. It's an offer to do a movie in Taiwan starring Kit Ramsey's brother.

1351. We're going to Taiwan!

1352. Jiff! Jiff! Jiff!

1353. Good to see you again, brother.

1354. I saved the world!

1355. I saved it.