Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)

1. My name Borat.

2. I like you. I like sex.

3. It's nice.

4. This my country of Kazakhstan.

5. This my town of Kuzcek.

6. This Urkin, the town rapist.

7. Naughty, naughty-

8. Over here, our town kindergarten.

9. And here live Mukhtar Sakanov,

10. town mechanic and abortionist.

11. This my house. Entry, please.

12. He is my neighbor, Nursultan Tulyakbay.

13. He is pain in my assholes.

14. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass.

15. I get a step, he must get a step.

16. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford.

17. Great success.

18. This is Natalya.

19. She is my sister.

20. She is number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.

21. Nice.

22. This is my mother.

23. She oldest woman in whole of Kuzcek.

24. She is 43. I love her.

25. And this my wife, Oxana. She's boring.

26. What you say about me, you skinny piece of shit?

27. Not now, please.

28. Why don't you do something useful and dig your mother a grave.

29. Come in here, please. Ignore.

30. And this is where I lives. My bed.

31. This is a VCR recorder.

32. And this play cassettes.

33. Now I show you outside from my houses.

34. My hobbies, Ping-Pong,

35. sunbathe,

36. disco dance,

37. and on weekends, I travel to capital city

38. and watch ladies while they make toilet.

39. My profession, work as a television reporter for Kazakhstan.

40. Please, you see.

41. THE RUNNING OF THE JEW 2004

42. Here comes the Jew.

43. It's a big one this year.

44. Whoaaa... He nearly got the money there.

45. Wait, here comes Mrs. Jew.

46. She's stopped.

47. Is she? Is she?

48. Here it comes.

49. She's laid a Jew egg.

50. Go kids! Crush that Jew chick before he hatches!

51. Although Kazakhstan glorious country, it have problem too.

52. Economic, social and Jew.

53. This why Ministry of Information have decide to send me to U.S. and A,

54. greatest country in the world, to learn lessons for Kazakhstan.

55. I will travel with most venerable producer, Azamat Bagatov.

56. Azamat.

57. No, not film me! Film him.

58. Urkin, not too much raping... Humans only.

59. Doltan, I'll get you a new arm in America.

60. I go to America!

61. America!

62. Wave goodbye to your clock radio, asshole!

63. If you cheat on me, I will come over there

64. and snap off your cock.

65. New York City

66. I arrived in America's airport with clothings, U.S. dollars

67. and a jar of Gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

68. Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

69. Hello, my name Borat.

70. I not American. I new in town.

71. Nice to meet you.

72. Hello, nice meet you.

73. Hey, what your name?

74. My name is mind your own fucking business.

75. Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

76. Oh, hello. Nice meet you.

77. My name Borat.

78. - What's happening? - Nice meet you.

79. Get the fuck out of here before I break your jaw, bro.

80. - Yo, step the fuck off, bro. - Okay. Okay.

81. - You're fucking with the wrong one, man. - Okay. Sorry.

82. Oh, shit. Okay, okay, wait.

83. I get it. Please, relax.

84. I'll get him! Careful, he bite.

85. - Hey, man, what are you doing? - Okay, relax.

86. Okay. Okay.

87. Okay, okay, relax.

88. Okay. Okay, wait.

89. Okay, no problem. Sorry.

90. Welcome to the Wellington Hotel.

91. Do you want to pay for the entire stay now?

92. Manager, Wellington Hotel

93. - I pay for one night. How much? - Fine.

94. One night is $117.13.

95. We'll call it 85.

96. No, we can call it 117.

97. Let me get the door for you. Come on in.

98. Very nice.

99. Very nice room.

100. We're not in the room yet, sir. Hold on.

101. You might want to repack. We're gonna be moving again shortly.

102. I will not move to a smaller room.

103. Sir, this is your floor. I'm gonna take you to your room.

104. - This is not my room? - This is the elevator.

105. It takes you to the floor where your room is.

106. Nice. Nice.

107. King in the castle. King in the castle.

108. I have a chair. I have a chair.

109. Oh, go do this. Go do this. King in the castle.

110. Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.

111. I am new in town.

112. - Get away from me. - I just... I kiss you, say hello.

113. It arrive.

114. Hello, my name Borat. I am new in town.

115. - I say hello and I... - Do not touch me.

116. - Do not get near my face. - I kiss you.

117. Yeah, you kiss me, I'll pop you in the fucking balls.

118. What mean, "Balls"?

119. Very nice.

120. Very nice. How much?

121. Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.

122. Get away! What are you doing?

123. Wait, I want to say hello. What is the problem?

124. This has been most happiest day of my lifes.

125. I was very excite to start my reportings.

126. America is known for its sense of humor.

127. UN survey say Kazakhstan have 98th lowest humor.

128. We must improve.

129. Hurry, hurry-

130. Just dry him, no hand relief.

131. How is my back pussy?

132. Not bad. Moist.

133. So what time this interview?

134. Soon, my friend.

135. Gently.

136. Enough!

137. - Hello. My name's Pat Haggerty. - Hello.

138. Humor Coach

139. - Nice meet you. Borat. - Nice to meet you.

140. Should I make a joke about my mother-in-law?

141. Yes. In America, that's a very popular joke.

142. - Do you have a mother-in-law joke? - Yes.

143. I had sexy-time with my mother-in-law.

144. - A what time? - Sexy-time.

145. I made sexy-time with my mother-in-law.

146. - You had sex with your mother-in-law? - Yes.

147. I don't think that Americans would find that funny.

148. - No, it is not a joke. - Yeah.

149. We're talking about humor.

150. Yes, you asked me about my mother-in-law.

151. Do you have a joke about her?

152. No, why make a joke on a mother-in-law?

153. Do you ever laugh on people with a retardation?

154. Here in America we try not to make fun of

155. or be funny with things that people don't choose.

156. But perhaps you have not seen someone with a very funny retardation.

157. My brother, Bilo, have a very funny retardation.

158. Mental retardation causes a lot of pain and hardship for a lot of families.

159. Sometime my sister, she show her vagina to my brother, Bilo, and say,

160. "You will never get this! You will never get this!"

161. He behind his cage, crazy, crazy. Everybody laugh.

162. She go, "You never get this!"

163. But one time, he break cage and he get this.

164. And then we all laugh.

165. High five!

166. Now...

167. No, that would not be funny in America, okay?

168. What is "not" jokes?

169. A "not" joke is when we're trying to make fun of something

170. and what we do is we make a statement that we pretend is true

171. but, at the end, we say, "Not," which means it's not true.

172. So teach me how to make one.

173. - All right, what color is your suit? - This suit is gray.

174. Gray, I would call it blue, okay?

175. - It's gray. - All right, it's blue-gray.

176. But it's certainly not black, right?

177. - Let's say it's gray, but... - it is gray.

178. Okay, so a "not" joke, I would say

179. "That suit is black. Not!"

180. This suit is not black.

181. - No, no, "Not" has to be the end. - Oh, okay.

182. This suit is black not.

183. This suit is black, pause... You know what a pause is?

184. - Yes. - This suit is black. Not!

185. This suit is black. Pause. Not.

186. No, you don't say "pause."

187. This suit is black.

188. That's a pause. Not!

189. This suit is black.

190. Okay...

191. - I don't... I'm not... - Not!

192. Everybody say U.S.A. television much better

193. but this I watch for three hours, do not change.

194. There's a remote control here.

195. Push these two arrows to change the channel.

196. I got him, I got him, I got him!

197. I have the urge to bury something else.

198. Yes!

199. - I love you. - I love you too, Jamie.

200. I love you.

201. - Do you believe in magic, Miss... - Parker, C.J.

202. It's a pleasure to meet you, C.J.

203. Be careful! Be careful, C.J.!

204. This C.J. was like no Kazakh woman I had ever seen.

205. She had golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls

206. and the asshole of a 7-year-old.

207. For the first time in my lifes,

208. I was in love.

209. Get up! Get up!

210. Why aren't you ready!

211. We have people to interview today.

212. I understand.

213. Learn what you can from this women's group.

214. - My hair? - It's beautiful. Don't worry.

215. In Kazakhstan it is illegal for more than five woman to be in the same place

216. except for in brothel or in grave.

217. In the U.S. and A., many womens meet in groups called Feminists.

218. I find more.

219. So, what means this feminism?

220. It's the theory that women should be equal to men

221. in matters economic, social...

222. - Now you are laughing. - Yes.

223. Well, that is the problem.

224. Do you think a woman should be educate?

225. Definitely.

226. But is it not a problem that a woman have a smaller brain than a man?

227. That is wrong.

228. But the government scientist, Dr. Yamak, prove it's the size of squirrel.

229. Your government's scientist?

230. - Yes, Dr. Yamak. - He's wrong. He's wrong.

231. Give me a smile, baby. Why angry face?

232. Well, what you're saying is very demeaning.

233. - Do you know the word "demeaning"? - No.

234. We are saying to you...

235. I could not concentrate on what this old man was saying.

236. All I could think about was this lovely woman in her red water-panties.

237. Who was this C.J.?

238. Last night I see in my hotel room

239. a woman called C.J. on the television.

240. - Do you know her? - No.

241. She from a town called Baywatches.

242. - She's just on television. - Her name is Pamela.

243. - Do she live here in New York City? - She lives in California.

244. - In the California. - He's gonna look her up.

245. Okay, can we finish now?

246. Listen, pussycat, smile a bit.

247. - All right. That's it. I'm done. - We're finished. We have to leave.

248. Although I was obsessed by this C.J., I could not pursue her

249. or else my wife would snap off my cock.

250. Mr. Sagdiyev?

251. - Yes? - I have a telegram for you.

252. - You can read? - Yes, I can.

253. "Dear Borat Sagdiyev,

254. "your wife, Oxna,

255. "was walking your retarded Bilo in the woods

256. "when a bear attacked and violated and break her.

257. "She is now dead."

258. You say my wife is dead?

259. This is what it's...

260. Yes, sir. I'm sorry to inform you, but that's what the telegram says.

261. High five! Great!

262. What do you mean, California?

263. I have arranged all our filming for New York.

264. But we need to leave New York to find the real America:

265. rodeos, cowboys... it will be better for our documentary.

266. But why California? What's there?

267. Pearl Harbor is there... And so is Texas.

268. Eventually, I persuade Azamat that we would travel to California

269. and make our reportings along the way.

270. He insists we not fly in case the Jews repeated their attack of 9/11.

271. Okay, I'll find another way for us to get there.

272. My name is Mike. I'm gonna be your driving instructor.

273. Perry Hall Driving School

274. Welcome to our country, okay.

275. - My name Borat. - Okay, okay. Good, good.

276. Well, I'm not used to that, but that's fine.

277. Now, you do know how to drive a little bit?

278. - Yes. - Yes. Put it in D.

279. - What? - Drive.

280. Now, wait a second. Wait a second.

281. - Have you driven a car before? - Yes, many times.

282. All right, let's go this way.

283. I don't want you hitting anybody.

284. Use two hands, now.

285. - What? - Two hands.

286. But then it look like I am holding a Gypsy while he eat my chram.

287. I don't care. You use two hands when you drive, okay?

288. Okay-

289. - Okay. - Watch the children.

290. Okay, no problem.

291. You must not hit the children.

292. Look, there is a woman in a car.

293. Can we follow her?

294. - And maybe make sexy-time with her? - No, no, no.

295. - Let's get her. Why not? - No, no, no.

296. Because a woman has a right to choose who she has sex with.

297. - What? You joke? - How about that? Isn't that amazing?

298. There must be consent. How about that?

299. That's good, huh?

300. - Is not good for me. - It is good.

301. - Steer the car. - Okay.

302. - You want have a drink? - You can't drink that.

303. - Why not? What? - It's against the law.

304. Who is this car that follow us? I wish it didn't follow us.

305. - I don't know. - Maybe we'll lose them.

306. No, we better not lose them.

307. Hey, don't look at me. Eat my tits!

308. We'll make a right turn up here.

309. Don't look at me like that. I will eat your shit.

310. - Hey, you fuck my mother! - Hey, hey.

311. - No, he do before. He look on me. - You can't do that.

312. They're gonna throw us in jail, me with you.

313. Why in a jail? He look on me.

314. - Behind. - You can't say that.

315. I like you, do you like me?

316. - I do like you. - You are my friend?

317. You're nice and I am your friend.

318. You will be my boyfriend?

319. - I won't be your boyfriend. - Why not? You do not like me?

320. I could be. It depends. Well, boyfriend, yeah, I can.

321. Great success.

322. Now time to make purchase of motorcars.

323. I want to have a car that attract a woman with a shave down below.

324. Well, that would be a Corvette or a Hummer.

325. GM Salesman

326. We will try to help you out here.

327. A man yesterday tell me if I buy a car

328. I must buy one with a pussy magnet.

329. He means a car that women will like.

330. Yes, but where you keep this magnet?

331. No, there's no magnet. That was just... He means the vehicle.

332. Women love the Hummers.

333. - Do this have a pussy magnet? - No.

334. The vehicle itself will be a magnet.

335. If I give you good price, will you please put in pussy magnet?

336. Yeah, but there's no such thing in this country as a magnet.

337. If this car drive into a group of Gypsy,

338. will there be any damage to the car?

339. - It depends on how hard you hit them. - Hard.

340. Yeah, hard. You might,

341. if somebody rolls on the windshield, crack your windshield.

342. How fast do I need to go to guarantee I kill him?

343. Let me tell you something, with this vehicle, probably doing 35,

344. - 40 miles an hour would do it. - Great.

345. When I buy my wife,

346. at the start, she was cook good,

347. her vagina work well and she strong on plow.

348. But after three years, when she was 15,

349. then she become weak, her voice become deep, "Borat, Borat."

350. She receive hair on chest

351. and her vagina hang like sleeve of wizard.

352. Huh. Jeez.

353. How do I know that this will not happen with a car?

354. Chevrolet guarantees that with a warranty.

355. I like very much buy this Hummers.

356. - How much is it? - 52,000.

357. I am looking for something between $600 to $650.

358. We don't have any cars for 650 that you can buy.

359. I might be able to sell you a wholesale car.

360. A car with a lot of miles for 700 with no warranty.

361. - Okay. - Come on.

362. California, I coming!

363. First stops on our journey was Washington, D.C.,

364. home of mighty U.S. warlord, Premier Bush.

365. Look who has an embassy here!

366. Uzbekistan. Fuck you, motherfuckers!

367. We arrive here to learn from American politic.

368. Azamat arrange interview with Party official from ruling regime.

369. Former Georgia Congressman

370. - We are good friend, Bob Barr, yes? - I hope so.

371. It is a custom have cheese at the start.

372. Thank you.

373. My wife, she make this cheese.

374. Very nice.

375. She make it from milk from her tit.

376. After interview, I encounters traditional American street festival.

377. People here were much more friendly than in New York.

378. Next morning, I interview politician who is a genuine chocolate-face.

379. No makeup.

380. 2-time Republican Presidential Candidate

381. On Sunday, I arrive in Washington.

382. There was a parade.

383. I make two friends from this parade.

384. I invite them back my hotel room.

385. We drink like normal in Kazakhstan.

386. We wrestle like normal in Kazakhstan.

387. Then they say, "I wash you in a shower," and he wash me in a shower.

388. It sounds like you met somebody who is from

389. what is called in America, the gay community.

390. - What it mean, "Gay," this word? - Homosexual.

391. A homosexual? You mean...

392. Are you telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus

393. was a homosexual?

394. Even though my anus was broken

395. I knew that rest of our journey would be great success.

396. We left Washington and continued towards California.

397. Howdy, partners!

398. Yes, minister, we're on schedule.

399. Yes, I'm standing in the middle of Times Square.

400. It's time to prepare for your TV appearance.

401. Remember to talk of singing national anthem at rodeo.

402. Don't worry, I am a TV professional.

403. Now, building our station around you.

404. This is 16 WAPT News This Morning,

405. named best newscast in the state by the Associated Press.

406. This morning we have a special guest here in the studio.

407. This is Borhat Sagadiyev.

408. He is traveling across America to get the taste of life here in the United States.

409. He spent the last few days here.

410. - Good morning to you. - Hello, my name Borat. Hello.

411. Hello. Thank you.

412. Before we start, can you tell me, because I want make urines,

413. then I come back here and...

414. If you tell me one minute before we start...

415. We started. We are actually live on the air right now.

416. - I am very excite. - Yes.

417. Hello, U.S. and A.! Hello, U.S. and A.! I'm very excite!

418. I'm very excite to be here.

419. And hello!

420. Hello to you as well.

421. Now, real quickly, why are you here in the United States?

422. Because I want to learn from U.S. and A,

423. your culture, and to understand from how a thing happen

424. and to take this lesson back to my country.

425. - All right. Would you like to have a seat? - Yes.

426. Please sit, please sit, please sit.

427. Now, one of the things that you've enjoyed so much about...

428. Can I have a microphone so people can hear me?

429. They can hear you right now. You are miked up.

430. This right here, that's the microphone.

431. Hello. Hello, nice meet you.

432. Well, welcome to the United States. Thank you very much for coming on.

433. When you come to Kazakhstan,

434. - you can stay in my house. - Well, thank you so much.

435. You can sleep my house and you can use my sister.

436. Meteorologist Ken Johnson will have the latest

437. on tropical storm Emily when we return.

438. Ten seconds, stand by.

439. This is 16 WAPT News This Morning.

440. Traffic is flowing along smoothly along Interstate 55.

441. Dry conditions. If you're heading to the north,

442. not too far away from Attala County, there's some showers there.

443. Check that out on the radar this morning and...

444. Thank you, very nice for have me.

445. What your name?

446. We're on air right now doing the weather.

447. - What your name? - We're doing the weather right now.

448. Go over here with Adrian. She's calling you to go over here.

449. - It is a she? - Yes.

450. - Very nice. - Yeah, go. Go...

451. - Go over here with... - What is your name?

452. I'm the weather guy.

453. Okay...

454. Let's go over to the weather. You can see the radar, right now

455. showing some showers and storms up to the north...

456. Okay. All right, let me...

457. Nice to meet you.

458. Showers and storms north of Yazoo City up towards Kosciusko...

459. Thank you, bye-bye.

460. You're singing at a rodeo tonight!

461. Why didn't you mention it?

462. What can I do, they are not professional.

463. Get a move on, we have 100 miles to go.

464. We welcome you to the 38th annual

465. Kroger Valleydale Championship Rodeo.

466. Of course, every picture that we get back

467. General Manager, Imperial Rodeo

468. from the terrorists or anything else, the Muslims, they look like you,

469. - black hair and a black mustache. - Yes.

470. Shave that dadgummed mustache off so you're not so conspicuous.

471. So you look like maybe an Italian or something

472. as far as when people looking at you.

473. I see a lot of people and I think, "There's a dadgummed Muslim.

474. "I wonder what kind of bomb he's got strapped to him."

475. - Yes. - And you probably aren't a Muslim.

476. - Maybe that's not your religion. - No, I am a Kazakh. I follow the hawk.

477. But you look like one of them.

478. This thing gets over with and when we win it

479. and kick the butts over there

480. and all of them son-of-a-bucks hanging from the gallows,

481. by that time, you will have proven yourself

482. and you'll be accepted.

483. - Take care. - Thank you.

484. - I ain't gonna kiss you. - Why not?

485. The people that do the kissing are the ones that float around like that.

486. - Are they all... - Yeah. Stay away from them that kiss.

487. - Okay. - You don't want nobody kissing.

488. In my country they take them to jail and finish them.

489. - Take them and hang them. - Yes.

490. - That's what we're trying to get done. - High five.

491. Ladies and gentlemen of Salem, Virginia,

492. would you please give a warm, American welcome

493. to a gentleman who has come all the way from Kazakhstan

494. and we are honored to have singing our national anthem.

495. Ladies and gentlemen, Borat Sagdiyev.

496. My name Borat. I come from Kazakhstan.

497. Can I say first, we support your war of terror.

498. May we show our support to our boys in Iraq.

499. May U.S. and A. kill every single terrorist.

500. May your George Bush drink the blood

501. of every single man, woman and child of Iraq.

502. Yeah!

503. May you destroy their country so that for the next thousand years

504. not even a single lizard will survive in their desert.

505. To show our friendship,

506. I now will sing our Kazakh national anthem

507. to the tune of your national anthem.

508. Please stand.

509. Kazakhstan is the greatest

510. Country in the world

511. All other countries

512. Are run by little girls

513. Kazakhstan is number one

514. Exporter of potassium

515. Other Central Asian countries

516. Have inferior potassium

517. Kazakhstan is the greatest

518. Country in the world

519. All other countries

520. ls the home of the gays

521. We nearly died last night. This journey is cursed.

522. We should have stayed in New York.

523. I was sad.

524. The rodeo peoples did not like me.

525. What if Pamela did not like me too?

526. We needed something to change our fortunes.

527. Look, Azamat, a Gypsy village.

528. Let us extract some of their tears so we can remove the curse.

529. Do not fear me, Gypsy, all I want from you is your tears.

530. Please give them to me or I will take them.

531. I'm not a Gypsy.

532. I'm a Midwestern farmer's daughter. Americana.

533. You have many treasures. Who did you rob for this?

534. We didn't rob them. They came from the house.

535. I will look in your treasures, Gypsy.

536. Is this understood? I will look on them.

537. Please do.

538. Who is this lady you have shrunk?

539. Was she the owner of this house that you camp in front of?

540. There's a couple more child's dolls.

541. Do not try and shrink me, Gypsy. I serious.

542. - These are your spells? - No.

543. There's a good one, The Millionaire Mindset.

544. There you go.

545. - Baywatch. - Baywatch?

546. It means she love me.

547. Azamat!

548. Azamat, great success! I've got the tears.

549. Onwards to California!

550. Let's go.

551. What's that you've got there?

552. It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

553. Are we going the right way?

554. - I don't know, this map is from 1917. - Where the hell are we?

555. Hey, stop that goddamn van!

556. Hey, baby, want to go out? Wanna go out, honey?

557. I'm going to stop and ask.

558. No, no, no, keep going. Keep going.

559. I need the direction to California, please.

560. - To California? - You a long way from home.

561. Who you with, man? Who you with, who you with?

562. I travel with my friend, Azamat Bagatov. We travel across the country.

563. You can't be talking all that. You gotta be talking English right here.

564. You look like Michael Jackson, Beat It.

565. Man, you better...

566. I like you peoples. Can you teach me how to dress?

567. How can I be like you?

568. You need to let them jeans down.

569. Pull them down?

570. Don't pull them down like...

571. - Like a ho? - No, no, no.

572. - Like a this? - Yeah.

573. But don't show your Huggies though, man.

574. What the hell? Is that fishnet?

575. No, no, no, these are my antipants.

576. - What kind of music you listen to? - I like very much Corky Bucek.

577. You know Corky Bucek?

578. No,no, no.

579. You got to lick it before you stick it.

580. Can you teach me speak like you?

581. What you trying to say?

582. - How you say, "How do you do?" - What's up with it?

583. - What's that with it? - Yeah.

584. Pull over and let's see if we can stay here.

585. What's up with it, vanilla-face?

586. Me and my homey, Azamat, just parked our slab outside.

587. Please.

588. We are looking for somewhere to post up our black asses for the night.

589. So bang-bang, skeet-skeet, nigga.

590. We just a couple of pimps, no ho's.

591. - Sir, you gotta leave. - Okay.

592. Leave now or we're gonna call the cops and we'll have you taken out.

593. We can't stay here, they are player haters.

594. - Hi. Hello. - You have a room for tonight?

595. Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.

596. - Come on in. - Great.

597. Your friend also.

598. A beautiful house, this.

599. All the paintings in the house, I did.

600. What is this man?

601. This is a Yemenite Jew and he's working on a piece of jewelry.

602. They, Yemenites, were also jewelers.

603. Why you have a picture of a Jew?

604. Because I'm Jewish, so I have lots of pictures of Jews.

605. This is the room and...

606. - Do you need two pillows? - Yes.

607. Great. Thank you. Lovely place.

608. - They're Jews. - I know that now.

609. They'll kill us. We need to escape.

610. - Wait, wait. - Okay.

611. Hello.

612. - How are you? - Great.

613. You guys getting settled in?

614. This is a special sandwich for you.

615. I not so hungry. He can eat this.

616. He fat.

617. No, no.

618. - You gonna eat, because... - Take a half.

619. - Take a half and then you'll see. - Take a half.

620. Yeah. I not so hungry.

621. You eat a little bit.

622. Go ahead and eat something because you're hungry.

623. Yes.

624. I don't want to see you go hungry.

625. What is this picture over here?

626. Okay...

627. It is 3:00 in the morning.

628. I am in a nest of Jews.

629. They have cleverly shifted their shapes.

630. One of them has taken the form of a little old woman.

631. You can barely see her horns.

632. She have tried to poison me already.

633. These rats are very clever.

634. Look, the Jews have shifted their shapes.

635. OK, OK. How much shall I give them?

636. I don't know...

637. More. Give them more.

638. Go. Go.

639. Let's go back to New York, at least there's no Jews there.

640. Calm down. We'll keep heading to California.

641. Why California? What's so special about California?

642. We are going to California!

643. And get killed on the way?

644. Relax, Azamat! I will get us protection.

645. What is the best gun to defend from a Jew?

646. I would recommend either a 9 millimeter or a.45.

647. Very nice.

648. It like I movie star, Dirty Harold.

649. - Yes, sir. - Come on and make my day, Jew.

650. But he would not sell me gun since I not American.

651. So I look for other protection.

652. Exotic Animal Dealer

653. - What type of dog is this? - This is a tortoise.

654. Is this a cat in a hat?

655. No, it's a tortoise in a shell.

656. Yes.

657. I need animal for protection.

658. What you have for me?

659. We're safe. Now we continue to California.

660. High five!

661. Great! Nice.

662. Switch it off.

663. It so annoying!

664. Happy times. We were safe and well on our way to Pamela.

665. It was time to get back to work.

666. Kazakhstan needs to learn about American fine dining.

667. First, a lady will teach you southern manners.

668. How long have I got?

669. An hour. Then you have dinner date with high society.

670. Hello and nice meet you.

671. Hello, it's so nice to meet you. Welcome to America.

672. KATHIE B. MARTIN Etiquette Coach

673. Will you please teach me how to dine like gentleman?

674. Of course, I'll be happy to.

675. Is it polite to greet people when I make entry?

676. Dining Society

677. Yes, it is.

678. - Let me introduce you around. - Yes.

679. - You're gonna have to... - I'm Mike. Mike Jared.

680. Hello, I'm Bethany Weston.

681. - Lovely to see you. - Nice.

682. - How you do? - How do you do? My name's Ben.

683. Should I pay interest in peoples around the table-sides?

684. Yes.

685. And, if it is a big table, a very long table,

686. you might want to restrict your conversation...

687. - Yes. - ... to people right in your vicinity.

688. - Very nice. - So you are not yelling.

689. What do you do?

690. - I'm the pastor of a church. - Yes.

691. - What do you do? - I have spent years in construction.

692. I'm recently retired.

693. - You are retard? - Yes.

694. Physical or mental?

695. - Retired. - No, no, not retarded.

696. - I don't work anymore. - Stopped working.

697. It's very good you allow retard

698. to eat with you in the same place.

699. That's not what we're saying about this man.

700. He is not what you would refer to as retard.

701. - No. - No, no. Not at all.

702. Do you have a telephone in this village?

703. Of course.

704. Should I show photos of my family?

705. You have photos of your family? Wonderful.

706. This my favorite son, Huey Lewis.

707. - Okay. - Yes.

708. - He looks happy. - Yes.

709. He very strong.

710. - My goodness, is that him holding you? - Yes. Very strong.

711. He grow three centimeter. He now 17 centimeter long.

712. I'm not sure I would show these photos of him without clothes on.

713. Should I pay compliments to the peoples?

714. Yes, but only if you truly agree with that compliment.

715. You have a very gentle face

716. - and a very erotic physique. - Thank you.

717. - You're correct. - Yes.

718. That's a very good observation.

719. She is your wife?

720. Nope. That's my wife.

721. In my country, they would go crazy for these two.

722. Not so much.

723. What should I say if I need to go to the shit hole?

724. You mean to the restroom?

725. - To the place to make the shit. - The bathroom? Okay. What you...

726. Not to bath. To make dirt from anus.

727. - Not a bath, right. The toilet. - The brown...

728. - Where you make... You understand? - Yes. Yes.

729. - Bad? Bad thing from it. - Yes.

730. Brown.

731. What you do is you say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom."

732. Excuse me, is it possible to go and do a, you know...

733. - To be excused? - How you say in the, you know...

734. Upstairs. Just say, "Excuse me a moment."

735. - I need to go, what you say... - That works. Thank you.

736. - Can you go upstairs? - Yes, thank you.

737. I think that the cultural differences are vast...

738. - Exactly. - ... and I think he's a delightful man

739. and it wouldn't take very much time for him to really become Americanized.

740. Thank you very much. I feel much better.

741. - Cindy, where shall I put this? - Just...

742. Where should I put this?

743. Maybe in the other restroom down here.

744. In the...

745. Excuse me... Excuse me for just a moment, please.

746. You roll off like this

747. and you wipe your bottom and you put the paper... Look.

748. - You, wipe mine? - No, I don't. You do.

749. - This is a very private thing. - The host cleans the anus of the other?

750. No,no, no. Nobody touches you, except you.

751. Can I bring a guest to dinner?

752. If you have been invited to a home or to a party...

753. - Yes. - ... it is acceptable to bring a guest

754. - if you ask your host in advance. - Yes.

755. General Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee.

756. - I think this my friend. Hello? - Hi, I'm looking for Borat.

757. - Yes, it's me. - Oh, hi, honey.

758. - I'm Luenell. Hi, hi. - Hello, nice to meet you.

759. - This my friend, Luenell. - Hi.

760. Oh, okay...

761. You all having a dinner party.

762. Well, we were. I don't know exactly what all that we're doing...

763. - it is getting very, very late. - Excuse me, I'm going to have to go.

764. - Okay. Very nice. - It's getting very, very late

765. and it's time that, you know,

766. we were ending our dinner party and everything.

767. - I apologize... - But can't she come for desserts?

768. Absolutely not, and neither can you.

769. - The sheriff is on his way. - I hope so.

770. I've already called them.

771. Why you call police? Have the retard escaped?

772. I want say I very sorry how they treat you in this house.

773. Thank you.

774. I was thinking maybe I'd just take the night off.

775. Why don't we just go out and have some fun?

776. What do you think about that?

777. You want to come with us?

778. UP yours!

779. Hi! My name Borat.

780. - This my friend, Luenell. - Hi, Luenell.

781. She is a prostitute.

782. You were funny on that bull.

783. Everybody almost see your underpants.

784. I never rode a bull before.

785. Well, you wanna... You wanna come in for a little while?

786. I would like very much

787. but I in love with a woman in Malibu.

788. It would not be nice to her for me to...

789. Okay, well, if you're ever in town again, this way, you know, look me up.

790. If I ever in town again, Luenell,

791. I would very much like to pay you for sex.

792. Okay.

793. Good night, Luenells.

794. Good night, Borat.

795. You say my name right. Borat.

796. People say Borak or Billy or Bob.

797. Bye.

798. "Pamela is a fairly simple girl, she recently explained.

799. "'There's not a whole lot of logic in the way I live my life.

800. "'I am very spontaneous.

801. I'm very spontaneous too.

802. I needed a gift to give to Pamela

803. so that she would grant me entry into her vagina.

804. Therefore, I convinced Azamat to let me film a report in an American store.

805. Don't spend more than $3. We're low on money.

806. This your shops?

807. Right, this is my antique shop.

808. Why do you have so many things with a flag?

809. We're honoring our heritage.

810. Now, what in here? What is this?

811. These are a number of collectibles.

812. I mean, this is a lamp that, you know, you would use in your home.

813. This is a Chinese cloisonne bell.

814. And this is a little decorative duck.

815. And do you think, you know, when they...

816. I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait.

817. - We need help, baby. - No, it's okay.

818. I sorry.

819. Sorry. I will repair all of this.

820. Don't worry. My friend, he can make glue and...

821. I don't think you're gonna be able to glue it. You're gonna have to pay for it.

822. Okay, I have a digital watch from the future.

823. I will give you. ls worth more than all of this.

824. You broke $425 worth of stuff.

825. 160, 170, 180.

826. - That's not enough. - Do you want hair...

827. No, I don't want any damn hair.

828. This is best hair in Kazakhstan. Feel the quality.

829. I don't want your damn hair.

830. This is hair from pubis. I can get 2,000 bags by next Friday.

831. We don't use that stuff in this country.

832. Have you offered them pubic hair?

833. Yes!

834. Just give me another 20.

835. It was a mistake.

836. You screwed up again.

837. I didn't see the truck.

838. - I slipped on it and that was it. - Only an idiot could do this.

839. Would you have believed this if I had told you? All right. Go. Go. Go.

840. You've ruined this documentary and almost bankrupt us.

841. So call the ministry and get more money.

842. What? If I did that, they would kill us!

843. California had better be as good as you say, or we're finished.

844. You bastard.

845. What's the matter with you?

846. How dare you make hand-party over Pamela.

847. Why do you care who I pleasure myself to?

848. Because I love this woman.

849. She's the reason we travel to California!

850. What? You lied to me!

851. You lied about California!

852. Eat my asshole!

853. Holy...

854. Okay.

855. We have a special guest here this evening. Ruth Feiner is here.

856. Get the fuck out of here!

857. So bad news.

858. Azamat have leave.

859. I wake up, he disappear

860. and he take Oxana, my bear.

861. Our bear.

862. And he also decide to take all money

863. and also my passport.

864. And he leave me

865. only this bag, with a hen

866. and ticket to Kazakhstan.

867. But no passport.

868. But at least he is

869. man enough to leave me

870. my beautiful.

871. Which I have cleaned since last night.

872. And I have decide to

873. continue making documentary.

874. Make it without Azamat.

875. I think it will be better

876. and we will have more success without him.

877. I only want 17 cents, please.

878. I had no oar, no money and no Azamat.

879. The only thing keep me going

880. was my dream of one day holding Pamela in my arms

881. and then making romance explosion on her stomach.

882. Eventually, I managed to hike a hitchings with group of young scholars

883. also traveling across country.

884. Univ. Of S. Carolina

885. - How you doing? How you doing? - Where the fuck are you from, baby?

886. I am from Kazakhstan.

887. - Welcome to fucking America! - Hey, have a seat. Let's go.

888. - What's your name? - Anthony.

889. - Anthony? - Yes.

890. - Anthony. - And Justin.

891. - Justin. - And David.

892. - David. - Bartender Dave.

893. Very nice.

894. - Can you open this, please? - Oh, sure.

895. Thank you very much.

896. So you like the bitches out there in the fucking old Russia, there?

897. - What? - The bitches in old Russia.

898. How are the women?

899. The fucking ho's, baby! The fucking girls!

900. - You fuck the shit out of them! - Yes!

901. Then you never call them again.

902. Why you don't call them? Because they do not have a telephone, yes?

903. No, not because of that.

904. They don't have my respect, you know? I mean...

905. So, what are you doing here in America?

906. They film me travel across U.S. and A.

907. I don't know what you're saying, man, but that's cool!

908. Let's get drunk!

909. - Yes! High five! - High five!

910. This is America in a bottle.

911. 'Oh, baby! 'Oh, baby!

912. - Borat, let me hear it. Oh, baby! - Oh, the baby!

913. Suck, suck, suck!

914. Let me tell you game we play.

915. Can I hear a game you play?

916. We play a game called "When the snake eat the pig."

917. - When the snake eat the huh? - The snake eat the pig.

918. - You get a baby mouse, very small... - Baby mouse?

919. and you put a bit of cheese in hole of your chram, until it go inside.

920. That is too crazy for me.

921. I'll do it. I don't give a fuck, I'll do it.

922. Let me ask you this.

923. Are woman... Are women your slaves in Russia?

924. No. Do you have slaves here?

925. - We wish. We wish. - No slaves.

926. - It is a shame. - Hey, Borat.

927. Big shame. Big shame.

928. It would be better country if...

929. Yes, it'd be better country. We should have slaves.

930. Our country, the minorities actually have more power.

931. Anyone that is minority has the upper hand.

932. We have the Jews. We have anybody that's against the mainstream.

933. - Do you want to see my new wife? - Yes!

934. This my new wife.

935. - Pamela! - You know her?

936. Pamela! I know of Pamela.

937. I will take her virgin for the first time.

938. - I am going to put this shit on. - Put it on.

939. Borat, Borat. We have a lot to talk about.

940. I will take her virgin. I will uncork her.

941. Borat, Borat. She is no virgin, Borat.

942. - Is not true. - She is no virgin, buddy.

943. Is not true. Liar! Liar, liar, your panties on fire.

944. Borat, shut up.

945. Small Jacuzzi on a fucking small yacht.

946. What she do?

947. - She's sucking some dick, man. - You see her sucking dick?

948. This is not her.

949. I guarantee you that shit's gonna happen. Don't worry about it.

950. - That's her, Borat. Sorry. - Borat, that's her.

951. This is not her.

952. It's her. I'm sorry.

953. - I'm sure it's her. - I go.

954. - No, no, no. - Titty bar.

955. Come here.

956. You're my man. You're my man.

957. I do not know why she is trying to do this.

958. Come on, Borat. Stay with us, buddy.

959. We love you. We'll remember you always. Like I taught you.

960. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

961. You're in America now. You'll make it.

962. You... You keep going, okay?

963. You are bigger than a woman. You are better than a woman.

964. We will always be behind you.

965. - Do not let a woman ever, ever... - We'll always be...

966. make you who you are.

967. - Goodbye, my friends. - Goodbye.

968. My ticket.

969. How will I get home?

970. I sorry, my friend.

971. Go.

972. Go.

973. Run to freedom.

974. Go! Go and live your life!

975. Come on!

976. It is good to be here.

977. CHARLES "CHIP" PICKERING U.S. Congressman

978. This is my 10th Pentecostal camp meeting. A decade.

979. The bottom line is, we're a Christian nation now,

980. Chief Justice, State Supreme Court

981. we were one in the beginning

982. and we gonna always be a Christian nation until the good Lord returns. Amen.

983. I didn't evolve out of a monkey.

984. I didn't use to be a tadpole. I is what I is.

985. Praise you, Jesus.

986. The Bible says that God was manifest in the flesh

987. and believed on in the world.

988. I got good news. Jesus is God in the flesh.

989. I don't care what the devil's done to you or what he's trying to do.

990. All you gotta do is step out of that aisle now

991. and make your way down to this altar.

992. Let's have a little old-time church right now.

993. I need somebody to pray with me right now. Come on, sir!

994. The blood over my neighbor. I bleed the blood over my church.

995. I want you to help me, save me, please.

996. Ladies and gentlemen, the gentleman here,

997. standing right next to me, his name is Bolak.

998. Would you greet him with a great big Jesus name for just a couple of minutes?

999. Thank you.

1000. I have no friends.

1001. I am alone in this country.

1002. Nobody like me.

1003. My only friend, Azamat,

1004. he take my money and my bear and he leave me alone.

1005. Not only this.

1006. The woman I love, the reason I travel across the country,

1007. she have do something terrible on a boat,

1008. - and now I can never forgive her. - You have to.

1009. Is there anybody who can help me?

1010. Yes. The one that can help you is who we preached about tonight.

1011. - Jesus. - Do Jesus like me?

1012. Absolutely, Jesus loves you.

1013. Do Jesus like my sons?

1014. Jesus loves your sons.

1015. Do Jesus love my retard brother, Bilo?

1016. He loves your brother, Bilo.

1017. Do Jesus love my neighbor, Nursultan Tulyakbay?

1018. Yes. He loves everybody.

1019. Nobody love my neighbor, Nursultan Tulyakbay.

1020. Can Jesus heal the pain that is in my heart?

1021. Jesus can heal your pain in your heart.

1022. Make him heal the pain that is in my heart.

1023. - Lift your hands and begin to worship. - Lift your hands.

1024. Would you lift your hands with him as we pray in the name of Jesus.

1025. - God, forgive me of my sins. - God, forgive me...

1026. - Forgive me, God. Cleanse me. - Cleanse me.

1027. Cleanse me, Lord, in the name of Jesus.

1028. Yeah, let that tongue go. Here it comes.

1029. We're gonna speak in other tongues.

1030. Let that tongue go.

1031. Yes, God. Yes, God. Yes, God.

1032. Yes! Yes!

1033. I will forgive Pamela and I will go to California.

1034. I will go to Malibu with me and my friend, Mr. Jesus

1035. and together we will take her!

1036. I took a bus to Los Angeles with some friends of Mr. Jesus.

1037. Finally, I had arrived.

1038. Happy times.

1039. Marilyn.

1040. Azamat?

1041. You traitor!

1042. Look, I can explain.

1043. You attack me. My mustache still taste of your testes!

1044. Calm down. Let me explain.

1045. What did you do with the bear?

1046. She ran off. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1047. Hey! Fuck off, Death!

1048. You need to calm yourself!

1049. You have to calm down!

1050. Well, that's another fine mess you've gotten me into.

1051. I had not come to Hollywood to fight a man dressed as Hitler.

1052. I had come to make Pamela Andersons my wife.

1053. So I forgave Azamat.

1054. I knew you'd make it here, Borat.

1055. I felt so bad that I prepare this for you.

1056. It's everything I could find on Pamela.

1057. Last Friday she appeared for a group who are against cruelty to animals.

1058. Against cruelty to animals?

1059. And tomorrow she's doing a signing.

1060. She wrote a book.

1061. What? A woman has written a book?

1062. Dr. Yamak would never believe this.

1063. I know.

1064. We will go to this historical event,

1065. and I will marry Pamela there...

1066. but in the traditional Kazakhi way.

1067. Azamat, let's prepare the wedding sack.

1068. You forgive me, yes?

1069. Yes.

1070. Having learned many lessons from U.S. and A,

1071. I will now teach America how to have a wedding Kazakhi-style.

1072. You find more.

1073. Orange, CA

1074. Very excite. Very excite.

1075. Hi. Hi, everyone.

1076. I love you.

1077. It is me, Borat.

1078. - Well, thanks for coming, you guys. - Thank you!

1079. I love Pamela Anderson.

1080. - Really? - Yes.

1081. Go ahead.

1082. - Hi. - Hello.

1083. Make it out to someone?

1084. My name Borat Sagdiyev.

1085. I son of Asimbala Sagdiyev,

1086. and Boltak, the rapist.

1087. I former husband of Oxana Sagdiyev

1088. who was daughter of Miriam Tulyakbay

1089. and Boltak, the rapist.

1090. I make this for you, this...

1091. There are our name.

1092. My name... Your name, Pamela Anderson and Borat Sagdiyev.

1093. Here's today's date.

1094. And this say that it is today's date, our wedding,

1095. and then this inside is silk.

1096. Pamela, will you marry me?

1097. No, thanks. I'm sorry.

1098. No. Agreement not necessary.

1099. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

1100. Get off!

1101. - Get your own wife! - Fucking shit!

1102. Come on, get her!

1103. Wait, Pamela.

1104. Don't worry, I nervous too!

1105. Pamela, wait.

1106. Pamela, I will give you your own plow.

1107. Get out of the way! Watch out, watch out.

1108. - Get on the ground. - Hands behind your back.

1109. - Okay. Pamela... - We're gonna stand you up.

1110. - Bring your knees up. - All right.

1111. Pamela, I am not attracted to you anymore!

1112. Not!

1113. I was humiliated.

1114. It was time for me to return to New York,

1115. where a ticket was waiting for me to fly back home.

1116. While I sat on the bus, I thought of my journey over the past three weeks.

1117. The great times.

1118. The good times.

1119. And the shit times.

1120. Mainly, they were shit times.

1121. I had come to America to learn lessons for Kazakhstan

1122. but what had I learned?

1123. Suddenly, I realized.

1124. I had learned that if you chase a dream,

1125. especially one with plastic chests,

1126. you can miss the real beauty in front of your eyes.

1127. Hi.

1128. 8 MONTHS LATER

1129. Welcome back in my town of Kuzcek.

1130. Since I return, there have been much improvements.

1131. We no longer have Running of the Jew.

1132. It's cruel. We Christians now.

1133. Doltan improve too.

1134. Hey, Doltan. High five!

1135. Great.

1136. Come my house.

1137. There Nursultan Tulyakbay.

1138. He still asshole.

1139. I get iPod.

1140. He only get iPod Mini.

1141. Everybody know it for girls.

1142. Come.

1143. And this my beautiful wife.

1144. Thank you for watch my film.

1145. I hope you like.

1146. English - US